Substitute Culture

SUBSTITUTE CULTURE

Written by Tim Blevins

EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY A bright sunny day. ELFMAN, a fashionably bundled 32 year-old, sits alone on a see-saw. TITLE CARD: October, 2007. LIL' BARISTA, a six year old girl, pulls a radio flyer wagon up beside him. The wagon is over-stocked with stuffed animals, plastic children toys and a shiny espresso machine. LIL' BARISTA Are you waiting for something? ELFMAN For a change. LIL' BARISTA You're waiting for a change? ELFMAN (Points) For them to change. Into their elite illusions and contrived conventions. Lil' Barista follows Elfman's gesture toward the playground's populace of typical 5 year-olds. LIL' BARISTA They're kids. ELFMAN They certainly act like it. LIL' BARISTA Would you like a cappuccino?

ELFMAN Double skim dry. And for here. Lil' Barista begins operating the espresso wand like a pro. 2.

ELFMAN (cont'd) They're all mild-mannered members of the innocuous in- crowd waiting for some comic book call to action. Just so they can shed these secret identities and put on something even more ridiculous. Lil' Barista hands him the perfect cappuchino. ELFMAN (cont'd) Do you have any nutmeg? LIL' BARISTA I have a gummy worm. Elfman sips the drink as he ID tags the kids before him. A TOMBOY girl plays dodge-ball, a NERD waits impatiently for the swings and a PLUTONIC PAIR play in the sandbox. ELFMAN Look at that Millennial Princess, running with the boys so they'll carry her books later. There's the Tag-a-long Sidekick who thinks the movies he keeps quoting are his own jokes. And the Wonder Twins, always finishing the other's sentence. Wait until just one of you gets invited to the big birthday swaree. LIL' BARISTA What are you? ELFMAN I'm a Mutant. Shunned by the very world I've been sworn to impress.

LIL' BARISTA Are you wearing make-up? 3.

ELFMAN Lip gloss to make the words shine, alternating polish to show I'm amphi-dexterous and indigo eye-liner so you can see my reflection on the bus. (to her) Does it show? LIL' BARISTA Seems a little forced. ELFMAN Then its working. CUT TO:

MAIN TITLES

INT. ELFMAN'S APARTMENT - DAY The steady CREAK of bed springs mesh with the JANGLE of keys in the front lock. Elfman enters and begins unpacking a cloth bag of groceries. As he opens the refrigerator he becomes aware of the creaking bed springs. Searching for the source he zeroes in on a closed door off the kitchen. Leaning against the door he hears the springs now entwined with FEMALE GASPS. He tries the knob but its locked. He peeks through the key hole but still no explanation. Elfman steps away from the door returning with a well- organized tool box. The sounds of orgasm increase as he takes out a power screwdriver and proceeds to remove the screws from the door hinge. He pulls out a hammer and spatula and, with a few quick strikes, removes the bottom hinge. He does the same up top as the female gasps are joined by male grunts nearing climax. Elfman struggles to slide the door aside revealing ... 4.

INT. ELFMAN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Elfman, still holding the spatula, stares at the bed against the wall. NICO, a 28 year-old female and JAMIE, a 26 year-old male, reach simultaneous orgasm atop the bed. As their breathing steadies, Nico lights up a nearby cigarette and notices Elfman. NICO We didn't hear you come in. She passes the cigarette to Jamie as she pulls the sheets over her body discreetly. ELFMAN I went out for groceries. That's what the person who does this kind of thing normally says. JAMIE Its not what it looks like. Although probably what it sounded like from the other side. I mean, it was an amazing piece of sex. ELFMAN Those were new sheets. And "an amazing piece of sex?" That's what you say to someone brandishing a power tool? NICO A spatula's not a power tool. ELFMAN No, but I had one in my hand earlier.

Elfman crosses to the dresser and fidgets with a picture frame, unable to look back. ELFMAN (cont'd) That's our bed. 5.

Jamie stands up, pulling on his boxers. JAMIE I know. And you think you'd be surprised- ELFMAN You're both lying in our bed. JAMIE -but hear me out- Elfman turns back pointing at Nico. ELFMAN With a fucking het? NICO Should I put some clothes on? JAMIE No. Elfy's fine with it. He understands. Jamie sits Elfman down between himself and Nico. ELFMAN Given the two proper stereotypes, it should have worked out. I'm six years older with the well-paying office job, you're a theater school graduate with no further aspirations for theater. JAMIE We did seem destined for San Fran. ELFMAN (Nico) And you. I always chalked you up to being- NICO A fag hag? 6.

ELFMAN Exactly. So please understand if its all just a bit of an apocalyptic shock. JAMIE Nico and I found something very special together. ELFMAN What? JAMIE The simultaneous orgasm. ELFMAN (Nico) You told me that was a myth. NICO I thought so. But Jamie did some research and, turns out, it exists. JAMIE Elfy, honey, its not you. This has nothing to do with you. Well, I'm not gay anymore so it's a little about- ELFMAN How can you not be gay? JAMIE My younger sister is a lesbian in the seventh grade. Her health teacher had her make a diorama about it for the whole class. And this is in little town Connecticut. Let's face it, being gay is out.

Elfman glances to Nico's supportive face. He then turns back to Jamie's equally optimistic outlook. 7.

INT. QUEEN BAIT FETISH CLUB - NIGHT Its a spectacular gathering of drag queens in flashing lights tuned to the tribal beats of techno. Elfman, done proud in heels, hair and make-up, sips from an ornate cocktail glass. DOLLY LLAMA, a bearded fellow in a Princess Jasmine theme, sits beside him. They shout over the music. DOLLY LLAMA Boy-Jamie told me things were going like whiskey sours between you two. 'Least you got that queen sized apartment to your self. ELFMAN He's staying in the apartment. I'm still into him, he's still into me, he's just not into guys. DOLLY LLAMA (gesturing to speakers) Can't hear a thing. Isn't it great? Attention turns to the main stage as a Joel Grayed EMCEE speak into a microphone. EMCEE Ladies and leftovers drop your best behavior and bang your friends together for this next sack of snatch. Ms. Fuckenstein! FUCKENSTEIN, dressed "Like A Virgin" struts about the stage twirling a mylar balloon. The drunken crowd screeches their approval with the exception of Elfman.

ELFMAN She's a girl. DOLLY LLAMA Probably still pop that balloon. 8.

ELFMAN I'm serious. That's a real girl. They tip their heads in a thorough double-take. ELFMAN (cont'd) A female female impersonator. DOLLY LLAMA Now I've seen three things. Dolly Llama shrugs it off as Fuckenstein continues dancing.

EXT. CENTRAL SQUARE - NIGHT Elfman is seated atop a fire hydrant in full drag splendor. As he breaths a cigarette, an 11 year-old KID comes up to him. ELFMAN Trouble dealing with a real Catholic abomination? A polite FATHER steps up beside his son. FATHER Sorry to bother you. He just loves fire hydrants. Father nods a good night and the two continue walking. Elfman watches them go as if he's fading into the background.

INT. NICO'S APARTMENT ATRIUM - NIGHT The third floor landing of an apartment building. The hall is a yard sale's worth of clutter ranging from a discarded card table to a beat-up Big Wheel. Nico comes clattering up the stairs, drunkenly dressed to impress the raver scene. NICO Shit, shit, just hold it- 9.

She fumbles through her teeny-weeny latex purse, turning it upside down as a single gum wrapper drops to the ground. NICO (cont'd) SHIT. Where are you? She drops the purse and checks her vinyl skirt only to discover- NICO (cont'd) No pockets. She looks down to see her house keys entangled on her leather boot laces. She struggles to untie them from the knot. NICO (cont'd) Come on. COME ON! She frees the keys and stands up poised to unlock the door. NICO (cont'd) Shit! Nico stops all movements as a wet stain appears on the carpet beneath her.

INT. NICO'S BATHROOM - NIGHT Nico drenches her soiled pants with the shower head. She throws the front door mat atop it and shuts the shower off. The older voice of MRS. KONISBERG calls into the bathroom. KONISBERG Ms. Parks. Nico puts a towel around her waist as she exits the bathroom. 10.

INT. NICO'S KITCHEN - CONTINUING Nico comes out of the bathroom to find Mrs. Konisberg, in her late fifties, standing in anticipation. NICO Mrs. Konisberg, how are you? KONISBERG I tried calling. NICO (realization) My phone. Konisberg picks it up from the counter and hands it to her. KONISBERG And then I heard it ring. NICO I just lost total track of time. (noticing barren wrist) And my watch. KONISBERG Linus is sleeping in my bed. He loves that bed. NICO I know. He says its so big- KONISBERG A boy should say good night to his mother. NICO Thank you. I'll go in and- KONISBERG He's fast asleep. I'll sleep on the couch. (sniffs) And you take a shower. 11.

NICO There's a vinyl skirt in there. I don't get to go out that often- KONISBERG When my children were home, I never went out. I take care of him because he's a good boy. But I'm not going to take care of you. Konisberg kisses Nico on the cheek and turns to exit. KONISBERG (cont'd) I'll bring him back for breakfast. Seven exactly. Konisberg leaves. Nico sighs and crosses to her bedroom.

INT. OFFICE - MORNING STINSON, 24 and humble, pushes a cart of files on a guided path through the interlocking labyrinth of office cubicles. He is noticeably younger than his co- workers, as demonstrated by the flirtatious cooing of the middle-aged women on staff. He passes MS. BLITZ's cubicle. MS. BLITZ What you pushing there Stinson? STINSON These envelopes, Ms. Blitz. He passes another office cubicle where MRS. MANDELL sits with a CO-WORKER. MRS. MANDELL Hey Stinson, your girlfriend dressed you well. 12.

STINSON I don't have a girlfriend Ms. Mandell. MRS. MANDELL You could have two right here. He passes the break room where MS. HOWES and MR. LAYTON are having donuts. MS. HOWES You'll have to join us for breakfast someday Stinson. STINSON Some day Ms. Howes. Stinson pushes the cart to the open doorway of the RECORDS ROOM. Inside LISA and TERRA sit, giggling at something online. Stinson stops in the doorway. STINSON (cont'd) Here's the files from maintenance. LISA So punctual. TERRA So helpful. STINSON Thank you ladies. LISA AND TERRA (sing-song unison) Thank you Stinson. Stinson politely nods and continues down the corridor finally stopping at... 13.

INT. STINSON'S CUBICLE - CONTINUOUS Stinson slouches down before his computer. Already stricken with boredom he begins to enter the day's data. Elfman pokes his head out of an adjacent cubicle to see Stinson typing. He rolls out of his cubicle and up behind Stinson with no regard for personal space. ELFMAN Ladies L-U-V you. STINSON (uncomfortable) I do well with single mothers. ELFMAN I am so sincere. The women in this office flirt with you. STINSON They talk to you too. ELFMAN Just to show they're majority liberals. STINSON You could rent yourself out. ELFMAN You're equating me to a hooker. STINSON No, I meant that as a joke. I thought it was going to be funny and I guess it could have been but now I'm just coming across as some spoiled, close-minded white guy from New Jersey. Unless you were also joking.

ELFMAN You are close-minded. And white. 14.

As Stinson goes back to typing, Elfman leans in closer. ELFMAN (cont'd) The weekend was not without a holocaust. Boy-Jamie and I broke up. STINSON I never really knew Jamie. The "boy" is just part of a nickname-? ELFMAN You two have more in common than previously thought. And he's never even heard of Jersey. He's seeing a girl. STINSON Yeah but ... he can't just ... I mean, he can't suddenly, ahm ... no longer ... he still likes ... ELFMAN Most of the phrases you're avoiding are inoffensive. Even when spoken by Catholics. STINSON He's gay. He likes gays- (correcting self) -guys. ELFMAN I've been with a girl before. STINSON When? ELFMAN 1998.

STINSON Do you need to talk about it? Because Ms. Howes is divorced. 15.

ELFMAN These women talk to you everyday. All the time. About anything. STINSON But its in that flirty kind o tone that's supposed to make everything sound hot. ELFMAN Can't YOU listen to me? Stinson puts his hand in his pocket. STINSON Of course I can listen but ... I don't know how good that would be. I'm not gay. I would just be nodding my head to seem informed. I'm sorry. ELFMAN (Glances at Stinson's pocket) If you want to dial your extension to break the tension, go ahead. Stinson's desk phone rings on cue. He pulls his cell- phone out of his pocket. Embarrassed, he hangs up his desk phone.

INT. ELFMAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Elfman's kitchen. A frying pan spits with life as exotic vegetables forge an experimental rice dish. Ever the chef, Elfman serves up three plates.

INT. ELFMAN'S APARTMENT - LATER Elfman, Nico and jamie sit around the coffee table, eating so carefully and drinking so grandly. 16.

Jamie and Nico share the couch while Elfman shares a plush pillow with the floor. Watching the two talk he sips directly from a wine bottle.

EXT. FRONT BALCONY - NIGHT Jamie and Nico crawl out the living room window onto the outside porch. She swills from a wine glass as he rolls up a joint. NICO (Glances at watch) Is it 9:30? I've got to get going. JAMIE (lights the joint) You never stay over. NICO And how would that work? JAMIE Same as earlier then we'd chgange the sheets. NICO Where does Elfman sleep? JAMIE He gets the couch, I get the couch. NICO Is that comfortable? JAMIE Hasn't really been my turn yet.

NICO He doesn't sleep in his own bed. He offers her the joint but she waves in refusal. 17.

JAMIE We live together so we share things. NICO He takes care of you. And that has got to be weird with you and me. JAMIE We were in a three year relationship. NICO And now I'm your GIRL friend- JAMIE Is that how you see it? "My girlfriend?" "My ex-boyfriend." You think like a fucking "undergrad." NICO I'm fucking a fucking "undergrad." Jamie flashes an unimpressed look. Nico rolls her eyes. NICO (cont'd) (correcting self) "Drop-out anarchist." (smiles) Come home with me. JAMIE Then I'd have to meet the "little you." NICO You SHOULD meet the- (catches herself) -Linus. Stay over and we can have pancakes before school. JAMIE I'm a "drop-out anarchist." 18.

NICO HIS school. JAMIE I should be fully caffeinated when I meet this kid. And all we have is tea. Nico shakes her head as Jamie leans in to kiss her. NICO You've got to meet my son. She smiles as they kiss. Framed in the porch window is Elfman, holding a tray of desserts as he watches.

INT. OFFICE - DAY Stinson places his coffee cup atop the desk calendar. Elfman shoves his chair over in a sweeping gesture that knocks the desk-top bric-a-brac onto the floor. ELFMAN I saw something last night that I don't understand so I'm relying on your insight to figure it out. Jamie, my formerly gay boyfriend was seated out on our fire escape with his actual female GIRLfriend after the three of us had a dinner I prepared QUITE exquisitely. And as I was washing the dishes I looked out our kitchen window to see that my soul mate and, as recently as Tuesday, LOVER now kisses ... like a girl. STINSON He kissed a girl.

ELFMAN And kissed LIKE a girl. 19.

STINSON With a girl? Elfman nods. STINSON (cont'd) I don't watch a lot of ... erotica ... online ... with just guys ... but ... isn't that how you'd want to be kissed? ELFMAN NO! Two men kissing is nothing like KISSING a girl. And it just makes me look single which is like the worse sensation. STINSON (Shrugs) I don't know. ELFMAN Because you're straight. You can meet someone anywhere. I have to go to various wings of the public library. And even then its so hard to tell. STINSON Like gaydar. Elfman squints his eyes in a piercing gaze of disgust. STINSON (cont'd) It sounds like I'm trying to hard. ELFMAN (sarcastic) We should go out sometime. (an idea dawns) We should go out. STINSON Pardon? 20.

ELFMAN Two guys, a night on the town, but how YOU do it. STINSON I'm not that exciting. ELFMAN You're a thrill hole. STINSON Its nice in the cubicle. You've got firends, I've got friends but they're not the same friends. Tey don't do the same things- ELFMAN I WANT TO SEE WHAT HE'S SEEING. Stinson bites his lip in silence.

INT. LAUNDROMAT - NIGHT Elfman and Stinson sit straddling an empty laundry basket. The background is scented with the steady tumbling of a dryer. Stinson reads as Elfman glances about. ELFMAN I thought we were going some place to ... pick up ... chicks? STINSON I don't think either of us know how to do that. ELFMAN Don't you have a girlfriend? STINSON Then why would I be flirting? Elfman glances over at the many selections of laundry detergent as Stinson puts down his book. 21.

STINSON (cont'd) You watch a lot of sitcoms, don't you? ELFMAN Sometimes I'll watch the Weather Channel. For days. STINSON But you think all straight guys date. ELFMAN Don't they? STINSON You're probably thinking of straight women. ELFMAN I stay at home a lot. I do the crosswords and I'm perfectly happy. But suddenly that's not enough for Jamie. So there must be something he wants. STINSON (After a long pause) We could get a cup of coffee. The suggestion barely registers with Elfman.

INT. COFFEE HOUSE - NIGHT Regulars with lap-tops and Decaffs with Murakami are scattered about grounds zero. Stinson and Elfman step up to KIRA, a 23 year-old trendsetter tending the cash register. KIRA Hello sir. (sniffs Stinson) You left your laundry unsupervised. 22. KIRA (cont'd) I like the smell of fabric softener and it smells like you've handled some. What can I get for you? STINSON I'll have a coffee. And ahm- Stinson gestures to Elfman. ELFMAN I would adore a single cappuccino. In the back corner a BEARDED faux-folkie strums a guitar. He's flanked by a girl in a STOCKING CAP and a black-shirted ARTIST guy, all just one year shy of being in a bar. Stinson and Elfman sit at a table in view of the counter. Elfman shakes his head at this "impromptu" music session. ELFMAN (cont'd) Heterosexual bandwagon. Stinson glances back to Bearded. STINSON He's just playing guitar. ELFMAN He's whoring Sophomore hootenannies who mistake wearing bandannas for being socially conscious. STINSON Tht was a well crafted sentence. Have you seen him before? ELFMAN Yeah. Not that specifically groomed beard but I've been in a coffee shop before. Jamie would take me places. 23.

Elfman notices Stinson is staring past him. He glances over his shoulder to see Kira working at the counter. He then turns back toward Stinson with an amused smile. STINSON Is it obviious? ELFMAN Is what obvious? STINSON (whispering) The girl. Elfman gestures at the counter. STINSON (cont'd) Don't point, okay. Don't draw any attention. Let's just steal the cups and go. ELFMAN You like this girl. Stinson's face goes white as he gestures for Elfman to stop. ELFMAN (cont'd) She's working. STINSON (gesturing to surroundings) Well these people don't need to know. Elfman turns his attention to CASSANDRA, a thirty-six year-old dressed like she's twenty-six, seated at an adjacent table. ELFMAN (To Cassandra) My friend and I are just having an intimate conversation. 24.

Cassandra, wrapped up in her headphones, types on a laptop. Elfman taps her shoulder, gaining her attention as she takes the headphones off. ELFMAN (cont'd) Excuse me, Miss. We're just having a private conversation about my fiend's crush. Cassandra nods with a smile and goes back to her headphones. Elfman's gaze is reunited with an annoyed Stinson. ELFMAN (cont'd) So you and this girl are like... Elfman makes talking puppet gestures with both his hands. STINSON Yeah, we talk so I think that's probably where its going to end. ELFMAN That's enough for you? STINSON It'd be nice if it was more but ... we've kind of got this going. ELFMAN Modern consumerism? STINSON THAT and I know her name. But I'm pretty sure she doesn't know mine. ELFMAN Have you given it to her?

STINSON I might of. But tons of people come through here. She can't remember all of them. 25.

ELFMAN How did you get her name? STINSON They post the schedule on the back of the kitchen door. So, one night when she was working, I pretended not to know which one was the bathroom and saw it on the schedule. There's a chuckle from Cassandra's table. They both look over to see her listening to their conversation. CASSANDRA (gestures to headphones) They're not even plugged in. Stinson turns back to Elfman with an embaressed look.

EXT. LAUNDROMAT - NIGHT As Stinson folds inside, Elfman paces with his cell- phone. ELFMAN (into phone) We're not arguing about it ... because its MY bed ... well, it was from MY checking account-... no, no wait Jamie, wait ... just make sure the couch is made up. With the good quilt ... no ... no, I'll see you in a few. Elfman clicks off his phone. CASSANDRA (O.S.) You're friend is kin of like a detective.

Elfman turns to see Cassandra waving as she approaches. 26.

CASSANDRA With the back of the door and that gurl's name. I was heading home when I saw you. I'm Cassandra. ELFMAN Elfman. CASSANDRA That' not common. ELFMAN My parents say it all the time. Stinson exits the laundromat with his clothes basket. CASSANDRA You guy's need a ride? My car's right over there. She points up the block.

INT. CASSANDRA'S CAR - NIGHT Elfman and Stinson simultaneously buckle themselves into the back seat with the laundry basket between them. Cassandra ignites the engine and they are both jolted back from the centrifugal force. CASSANDRA (shouting over a bad transmission) So you guys probably never ride in cars, huh? ELFMAN This is my first one. CASSANDRA Yeah, and the guzzle up petroleum. But I can go to New Hampshire whenever I want. Is this you place? 27.

STINSON Yes. They swerve to a screeching halt spilling the laundry basket.

EXT. STINSON'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Cassandra's car peels out leaving Elfman and Stinson at the curb. ELFMAN Thanks for the straight old time. STINSON I'll see you at work. Elfman nods good-night as Stinson takes his laundry into his apartment. Alone at the curb, Elfman starts down the street.

EXT. SCHOOL BUS STOP - DAY Jamie takes a drag of his cigarette as he stands with Nico amongst the other parents. NICO Aren't you excited? You finally get to meet Linus. She steals the cigarette from Jamie's hand to take a drag. NICO (cont'd) No afternoon smoking. Its his policy. JAMIE He makes policy?

NICO He's in the Model U.N. 28.

She snubs out the cigarette as the bus pulls up. Among the cattle-call of elementary scholars, seven year-old LINUS steps off the bus. He approaches with eyes locked on Jamie. Nico bends down to kiss him. NICO (cont'd) Hey honey. How was art class? (looking back to Jamie) He made a comic book for his art class. All professional looking and in color. Nico stands up, leading Linus between her and Jamie. NICO (cont'd) Linus, this is who I was telling you about. This is Jamie. Jamie nods a slight hello as Linus stares back. JAMIE (pointing) That your bus? LINUS That's the Brown Bear. Toby rides the Red Crab. NICO Toby and Linus use to ride the same bus until the routes changed. Come on. You can tell Jamie all about you comic book. Nico leads Linus by the hand as Jamie follow behind.

INT. NICO'S APARTMENT - DAY Linus enters with Nico in the midst of an unending monologue. 29.

LINUS Toby has Nintendo and died seven times and his mom said I could play and I told her no because when I die that's it. Done like breakfast. Jamie enters glancing at a sheet of art-work on a nearby table. NICO (glances back at Jamie) Those are some of his drawings. Linus, do you want to show Jamie you drawings? LINUS He's already seen them. They should speak for themselves. NICO (to Jamie) But maybe he's go a question to ask you. JAMIE I'm told they speak for themselves. NICO (to Linus) Sweetheart, why don't you go read some of your comic books and then you, me and Jamie will make tacos. (to Jamie) Does that sound feasible? JAMIE Yeah, see you in a bit champ.

LINUS I'm the messiah. Linus shuts his bedroom door behind him. 30.

JAMIE Are you listening to anything this kid says? NICO He hears words, its a Catholic school. He's an artist. JAMIE Let's take a look at what he's painting. Jamie holds up an elaborate visage of a demonic dominatrix grasping a skull and spinal chord. NICO That's a portrait of me. JAMIE Nico- (points at the dominatrix) -he thinks your hair is red. Nico takes the painting from Jamie and places it back on the tabletop. NICO Its a big effort for him to meet new people and you're not even trying. JAMIE He didn't want to bring much to the conversation. I told you, I have stuff to do and this was already out of the way. Its a packed afternoon for him too. All those people getting slimed on Nickelodeon. NICO You said you were going to stay for dinner. If we're going to be together, the THREE OF US need to be together. 31.

JAMIE I'll be back. I'll SLEEP over. NICO What time? JAMIE After we have sex. NICO What time are you coming back? He goes to bed at seven-thirty and I want you to hang out with him. JAMIE I'll be here before he goes to bed. NICO Promise you'll come back. JAMIE Across your heart. Jamie leans in and kisses her. NICO I'm mad at you. JAMIE Then that's what I'll come back to. He hands her a cigarette and exits out the door. She glances at Linus's shut bedroom door and then tosses the smoke on the table.

INT. ELFMAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Elfman sits alone in his silent apartment. He grabs his cell phone, consults a nearby note-pad and dials a number. 32.

ELFMAN (into phone) Hello, Stinson? Its Elfman. I got your number off the internet. (holds up a print-out) And your credit history. He awaits a response.

INT. BAR - NIGHT Its a crowded Friday night as Stinson and Elfman sit at the end of the bar. Elfman watches a beautiful and busting out of her blouse BLONDE REDHEAD lean over Stinson to order. Stinson averts his line of sight in all sorts of directions, finally relaxing his shoulders as she exits. ELFMAN I think you're going about this all wrong. You're a single straight male in his twenties. You've got good health insurance. You're not a faux paus to look at. (sweeping gesture) This is a heterosexual fantasia. A rather handsome GENTLEMAN walks past, briefly holding Elfman's attention. ELFMAN (cont'd) And not a bad slide show for the rest of us. I don't understand why you're so miserable. STINSON I was a journalism major. And I graduated from college and I've been working this JOB for five years. 33.

ELFMAN So? STINSON Isn't that enough? ELFMAN I'm sure it helps. Look, my relationship with Jamie is in transition. That could potentially flat-line me so I just need a convincing facsimile until I sort it back out. You're the same way. STINSON I think we're two different delusions. ELFMAN You just have to ask someone out. How about that girl at the coffee shop? STINSON Kira? ELFMAN Ask her out for a drink. STINSON (holds up glass of water) I don't drink. ELFMAN Ask her out for coffee. STINSON That's where she works so it would just be another transaction. Bars are where people meet so I don't meet people. 34.

ELFMAN You complicate things with a brilliance.

JAMIE How did you and Jamie meet? ELFMAN At a bar. Stinson shrugs as if his battle is won. ELFMAN (cont'd) It wasn't AT a bar. I mean, we were at a bar when we met but I wasn't there to be romantic. I came in with a friend. DISSOLVE TO:

INT. FANTASY BAR - NIGHT Its a pastel colored diorama of comic book illustration. Th air-brushed counter-tops an neon- stained bar stools are populated by stationary PVC piped mannequins done up in thrift store designs. The backdrop includes a window looking out at a German Expressionist sky-line. Elfman narrates this memory as the scene plays out with distinctly different but fully fashionable cast. A goth-stained SIOUXSIE in a sleeve-less mistake sits dejected while reading a text. A glam-rocking BOWIE in spider-from-mars apparel hugs her consolingly. ELFMAN (V.O.) She had been stood up so we went out and with the intention of falling down drunk. Fortunately, she looked tragic. A stage spot-light hits her like an "OH DEAR" in headlights. 35.

ELFMAN (V.O.) (cont'd) And, as a fashion faux paus, she happened to catch the glamorous eye of one queer passer-by. An album poised IGGY POP stands with eyes fixed on Siouxsie. He flicks his Victorian cigarette holder into the bar crowd. ELFMAN (V.O.) (cont'd) He stopped to look her over calling her Tran-zan of the Jungle or something linke that. Siouxsie balls mascara-stained tears into a handkerchief. ELFMAN (V.O.) (cont'd) It was mean spirited, poorly timed and he knew it. Still, it was clever.

INT. BAR - NIGHT A brief cut back to reality as Elfman smiles at the attractive memory. ELFMAN And mine was better.

INT. FANTASY BAR - NIGHT Back in the diorama, Bowi and Iggy flank both sides of Siouxsie shoving her to and fro. ELFMAN (V.O.) He attempted to one up my one- up-manship, we sparred like serpents and, in under seven minutes-

They swat her to the ground as Bowie slides into her vacant stool. Iggy sits down with him. 36.

ELFMAN (V.O.) (cont'd) -I switched seats to introduce myself. Bowie hands his glimmering gold-plated credit card to the bartender. ELFMAN (V.O.) (cont'd) I started a tab and we talked all night. Bowie and Iggy talk as silhouettes in front of the bar window. A cartoon moon moves quickly across the surreal skyline. ELFMAN (V.O.) (cont'd) I couldn't tell you what was playing on the stereo but I could burn you the perfect play-list from my mind. Bowie exits the Men's room past a loitering LOU REED. He stops in his steps as he looks toward the stools. ELFMAN (V.O.) (cont'd) I ot up once before last call and when I came back- Iggy's empty bar stool spins to a halt, shedding brilliant glitter on the ground. ELFMAN (V.O.) (cont'd) I didn't even get his name.

EXT. FANTASY PORCH - NIGHT Up the front past and atop three free-standing steps sits Iggy, surrounded by empty, over-turned liquor bottles. He's illuminated by a single spotlight amid an entirely black back-drop. He grins maniacally, exposing a black leather wallet between his teeth. 37.

ELFMAN (V.O.) I left the bar and headed home only to find him sitting on my front steps holding my wallet.

INT. BAR - NIGHT Back in reality, Elfman is lost in the memory. Stinson is just lost. STINSON Wait, how did he find your apartment? ELFMAN Its on my driver's license. STINSON What if the address wasn't accurate? ELFMAN Why wouldn't it be accurate? STINSON People move. ELFMAN And they should get change of address labels from the DMV. STINSON But if you hadn't, he would have just stolen your wallet. ELFMAN Yeah, he was a little thief. And three weeks later he moved in. STINSON That's how he won you over? 38.

ELFMAN That's how I got my stuff back. Jamie just kind of pushed that one button repeatedly until it was finally "love at first sight." STINSON Is that romantic? ELFMAN If you don't ask too many questions. Elfman downs a shot to drown out the memory. Cassandra enters the front door on a mission. She glances around and finally lays eyes on Elfman. CASSANDRA I saw you guys come in earlier when I was in the coffee shop. I wasn't sure if you'd still be here. Cassandra drops her large backpack on the floor and orders a drink from the BARTENDER. CASSANDRA (cont'd) Seven and seven. (to Stinson) You ask the girl out yet? Stinson barely holds his water from spitting back out. ELFMAN (to Cassandra) You possess the divine art of timing. CASSANDRA (to Stinson) You seem cute, what's the problem. Elfman elbows him politely. 39.

STINSON The approach, I guess. ELFMAN (to Cassandra) Which is why its impeccable that you came to this exact bar at this exact moment. You can help in a demonstration. CASSANDRA Really? ELFMAN Can I ee your purse? CASSANDRA Okay. Cassandra lifts her purse onto the bar. Elfman begins rifling through its contents. CASSANDRA (cont'd) Are you robing me? Because my money is in my stocking. Elfman holds up a copy of "Twilight." CASSANDRA (cont'd) Its what I'm reading. ELFMAN And what are you drinking? CASSANDRA Seagrams whiskey with 7-Up. Elfman hands back her purse. He gets up from his ztool still holding the book. ELFMAN (to Stinson) Pay attention. Stinson watches Elfman walk through the crowd as Cassandra sits down on the now vacant seat. 40.

CASSANDRA Your friend abandoned you. STINSON He'll be back. CASSANDRA That girl is cute. At the coffee shop. You should ask her out. STINSON She's probably seeing someone. CASSANDRA Then she'll say "some other time," which doesn't mean some other time, its just polite. But you should ask. The Bartender brings Cassandra another drink. CASSANDRA (cont'd) I've already got one. BARTENDER From the guy. Cassandra and Stinson follow the Bartender's gesture to the opposite end of the bar. Elfman is seated there exaggeratedly reading "Twilight." Looking over the binding, he makes eye contact with Cassandra. She laughs at his intention. Elfman makes a gesture of inquisition between her and stinson. Cassandra shakes her head, gesturing a thumb at Stinson. CASSANDRA (shouting) He's my cousin. Elfman points to her drink and Cassandra raises them both in a faux toast. He then grabs a pen from over the bar and quickly sketches atop a napkin. He whispers to the reluctant PATRON beside him as he passes the now-folded napkin. Patron to patron the napkin passes around the length of the bar finally reaching Cassandra's giddy grasp. 41.

She unfolds the napkin to find a stick figure drawing of her at the bar seated beside a second stool crowned with a giant question Mark. She laughs, grabbing a pen from her purse and scrawls across the napkin's back. It passes hands back the way it came. Elfman glances up from the napkin as Cassandra places her cell phone ceremoniously atop the bar. He takes out his phone, consults the napkin and dials her number. She lets it ring twice before answering. CASSANDRA (cont'd) (into phone) Hello? Yeah, come on over. Elfman's already crossing back over as she hangs up. He show her the napkin. ELFMAN You write "Suck Yeah?" CASSANDRA Yup. Would you like a stool? ELFMAN Indubitably. Stinson surrenders his seat to Elfman so he can sit beside Cassandra.

EXT. NICO'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT A swaying Jamie repeatedly rings the buzzer. Nico, wrapped in a bathrobe, finally answers the door. NICO Its 9:30. JAMIE Actually its- (checks watch) -quarter past ten. 42.

NICO Why even correct me? I let him stay up until eight o'clock. JAMIE Great. Does he have plans in the morning? NICO He had plans TONIGHT. We were all- JAMIE And we WILL all. Look, I'm here, all right? I'm here, I'm back- Fumbling through his pockets Jamie drops a pack of cigarettes to the ground. He kneels down and instead picks a flower from the bed at the base of the steps. He then offers it on bended knee to Nico. NICO (off flower) I just transplanted those. Jamie fumbles to reset the flower back in the dirt. He takes the cigarette from his mouth and offers it filter first. JAMIE We never wake up together. Nico hesitates as Jamie holds his proposal. Finally- NICO Get your ass in here. Jamie shoots back to his feet and kisses her passionately, pushing the two back through the door. NICO (cont'd) Just your ass. They make out in the foyer as Jamie kicks the door shut. 43.

EXT. BAR - NIGHT Elfman smokes in front of the bar as Cassandra waves good-bye. STINSON I thought you were fixing me up. ELFMAN See how easy that was. STINSON Sure (realization) Wait, you're not going out with her. ELFMAN Monday night. It'll be like a field trip. STINSON You don't know anything about her, you don't seem to have anything in common. There's very little to her other than ... being a girl. ELFMAN And that, my friend, completes the shot. Elfman smiles as he takes a lengthy drag.

INT. NICO'S BEDROOM - NIGHT The room shows signs of interrupted foreplay. Jamie pace the room while Nico sits up on the bed. NICO I don't feel right about that. I don't feel right about that at all. 44.

JAMIE Its okay, its alright. No, its not. That is totally not right, Nico. That is sick. Statements like that are best left for the facelessness of internet chat rooms. NICO He was on my mind. JAMIE DURING? NICO No, not during. He's always on my mind. JAMIE Then YES. NICO You know what I mean. JAMIE That's NOT OKAY. Jamie grabs his pack of smokes from the dresser. NICO Just keep it down. JAMIE Yeah, let's not wake anybody by calling out there name. NICO (sarcastic) That's right, I'm a pedophile. Look what you're making me say about my own son.

JAMIE I'm not making you say any of it. Maybe the tone- (flicks lighter) -but not the context. 45.

NICO There's no smoking in the house. JAMIE I earned this one. NICO I'm in an apparent crisis here. JAMIE I'M having the crisis. You're in, like, act two of King Lear. NICO Have you even READ King Lear? He's my SON. Linus is ... is- (begins fidgeting with one of Jamie's cigarettes) His school called tonight. He's refusing to go out for recess. JAMIE We should burn this bed. NICO He hates the swings. "Hates" a strong word but he certainly dislikes the swings. He doesn't relate well to the swings. He has a tenuous relationship with the swings so he won't go outside and i'm just trying to figure out what's wrong with my son. Jamie grab his phone and another cigarette from the dresser. NICO (cont'd) And now you're leaving.

JAMIE Can't smoke in the house. Jamie exits the bedroom leaving Nico alone on the bed. 46.

EXT. NICO'S APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT Jamie sits in the front steps sucking down a smoke. He glances at his stagnant cell phone. He quickly dials a number and listens as it rings.

INT. ELFMAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Elfman enters his home, struggling to answer his cell phone while holding To-Go Chicken Fingers. ELFMAN Hello? Elfman's conversation with Jamie is inter-cut back and forth between locations. JAMIE I've been calling all night. ELFMAN (glancing at phone) I don't have a single voicemail. JAMIE That's because In CALLED. Like a thousand times. Why didn't you call me back? ELFMAN I was at a bar. JAMIE That sounds made up. ELFMAN I thought so to, but they exist. Ours even served- (faux whisper) -"al-co-hol." JAMIE Who'd you go with? 47.

ELFMAN Ah...I went...with that person I work with...that work person. JAMIE I know what pronouns mean. ELFMAN Actually those were nouns. A PRONOUN is "she" or "he," "it"...why are you pretending to call me? JAMIE I can't stand Nico. That kid is fucking with her head. Like suddenly she's just a mom. ELFMAN Jamie, she's always had Linus. JAMIE Only for, like, seven years. ELFMAN You've only been drinking for six. JAMIE But she just woke up one morning and decided I should meet him? ELFMAN That's how it works. No evolution just sudden change. Kind of like how vampires were popular and then zombies. Or maybe it was the other way around. JAMIE So what do I do?

ELFMAN You should do what you always do. Go where the discomfort is most comfortable 48. ELFMAN (cont'd) (as a hopeful suggestion) You know, I have an excessive amount of meat on sticks right now- JAMIE I bet she's already fallen back to sleep. That girl can really snooze through trauma. ELFMAN So you're about to leave? JAMIE Well, I'm here. She's got a big couch. And then tomorrow morning we can finish the fight. ELFMAN Victorious as always. JAMIE Always a stellar phone call. ELFMAN Yeah well, conversation has alwayts been- JAMIE Night, Elfy. ELFMAN -our greatest discomfort. He tosses his meat skewer back in the box and sighs defeated.

INT. NICO'S APARTMENT - MORNING Jamie awakens in the living room to the repetitive banging on an outside door. He rolls over on the couch, startled to make eye contact with Linus standing too close beside him. He pushes past Linus to find Nico banging on the neighbor's door. 49.

JAMIE What's going on? NICO (continues banging) I switched shifts. And I forgot I switched shifts and now Mrs. Konisberg IS NOT HOME! Jamie blocks the next knock. Nico reenters the apartment and begins gathering up her purse. JAMIE You're heading off to work? NICO And I need you to stay here. JAMIE No, because that would be with- Jamie gestures toward the couch but is surprised to see Linus standing right beside him. Nico crosses over to Linus. NICO Hey baby, you still got your comic books? LINUS They need to be poly-bagged and back-boarded. NICO Well make sure you read last month's and I promise we'll get down to the comic ship first thing when I get home. LINUS You said we'd go to the comic book store. 50.

NICO And we will. Mommy's just got to go to work first. Our friend Jamie is going to be here, okay? Linus looks over to see Jamie shifting through the coffee shop clutter for his cigarettes. He sticks one in his mouth and nods back to Linus. LINUS Okay. Nico kisses him on the cheek. Linus returns to his room as she pulls her coat on. NICO I just need you to watch him until Mrs. Konisberg gets home. JAMIE She doesn't know who I am. NICO She'll recognize Linus. Nico takes the cigarette from jamie's lips. JAMIE I have so much to do. NICO I can't be late again. JAMIE So bring him with you. NICO It won't be all day. Can I borrow your lighter. Jamie tosses it to her as she steps into the hall and lights the stolen cigarette.

NICO (cont'd) I'll talk to you this afternoon. 51.

Nico pulls the door shut as she leaves. Jamie glances toward the kitchen to see Linus placing a stack of comic books on the kitchen table. He begins to bag and backboard each issue meticulously. He stops this activity and locks eyes with Jamie. He ceremoniously prepares his breakfast, pouring a carton of orange juice over his cereal. As he eats a spoonful of the tangy-tinged cereal, Jamie mimics the swallow, with a bout of disgust. Jamie crosses to the kitchen as the two keep their sights on each other. Peeling a banana, Jamie sits down across from Linus. The orange juice soaked cereal drips from Linus's spoon. JAMIE So. Do they just call you "Linus?" LINUS I wanted Xavier. JAMIE As your first name? LINUS As my middle name. Then I could be Parker Xavier Howlett. JAMIE Parker Xavier Howlett? That's the name you want? LINUS Spiderman is funny when he talks, Professor X reads minds and Wolverine has an accelerated healing factor. JAMIE WHAT about Spiderman?

LINUS He makes jokes. And can climb up a building. 52.

JAMIE Where did that come from? LINUS He was bitten by a radioactive spider. In a laboratory experiment. Linus holds up one of his comic books in demonstration. LINUS (cont'd) That's Peter Parker. And that's the Scorpion. And that's J. Jonah Jameson. JAMIE (getting it) "Parker." And then "Professor X" is from the X-Men. But why the last name? LINUS (gestures at an issue of "Wolverine") Wolverine. Jamie snatches one of the comics and flips through it carelessly. Linus winces the whole time. JAMIE When the hell did he get a last name? LINUS It's from his dad. JAMIE Valid point. Jamie hands back the comic book and heads to the coffee maker.

JAMIE (cont'd) Do you want some coffee? 53.

LINUS I like it regular. Jamie pours Linus a juice tumbler of coffee. JAMIE Is that with cream or ... with orange juice? LINUS Cream and two sugars. That's regular. Jamie prepares both coffees and crosses back to the table. JAMIE For myself, regular means that AND a cigarette. LINUS You don't smoke in the kitchen. JAMIE I suppose that's true. Jamie glances at the doorway to the back hallway.

INT. NICO'S APARTMENT ATRIUM - MORNING A hastily scrawled note is pinned to Mrs. Konisberg's front door. In bright crayon letters it reads "I'M ON THE ROOF" followed by the addition of more adult penmanship reading "UNDER PROPER SUPERVISION." The note is signed in crayon "PARKER X HOWLETT."

EXT. APARTMENT ROOF - DAY Jamie sits in a shoddy beach chair staring at the skyline. He sips his coffee and drags off hi smoke. Linus cowers by the access door clenching his comics and coffee. 54.

JAMIE You sure you don't want to come over here? LINUS No. JAMIE We're only three floors up. Spiderman could jump it. LINUS Spiderman would CRAWL up. JAMIE I bet Batman could jump it. LINUS That's not Marvel Universe. JAMIE But you know who he IS, right? LINUS I only read Marvel Universe. Jamie turns around to see Linus crouch down cautiously with his comics and coffee. Jamie gets up from his comics and coffee. Jamie gets up from his chair. JAMIE It just doesn't seem like any of YOUR guys wear capes. Batman wore a cape. And Superman. And I bet Wonder Woman could have if she wasn't always showing off her- (catching himself) -well I'm sure she has one. Accessorizing is the key.

Linus looks back on the ground, still crouched in fear. JAMIE (cont'd) But I like Spiderman. He's got that whole cob-web ensemble. 55. JAMIE (cont'd) And the big bug eyes. He's dressed to undress, as they say. LINUS I know that. Jamie turns back to rest his hands on the ledge as he looks out over the skyline. JAMIE That's because you're a- (thinks of word) "comicologist." "The Kamikaze Kid." That's not bad. Well, probably in the 1940s given the tensions of the time, but I bet history doesn't really start for you until Britney's first child. Linus slowly moves toward Jamie, each step a little bolder. LINUS I know Peter Parker's parents. And I know Aunt May and Uncle Ben. And I know Mary Jane Watson. Linus leans against the ledge still avoiding the skyline. LINUS (cont'd) I know everything about Spiderman. They stand side by side as Jamie looks out across the building tops of Cambridge.

INT. RECEPTION ROOM - DAY Nico works the rush behind the reception desk.

NICO (answering phone) Gibissier Medical. 56. NICO (cont'd) (shocked) What...where are you calling me from...seriously? Nico is stunned listening to the voice on the other end.

EXT. STREET - DAY Nico can barely keep her purse together as she rushes down the block toward herb apartment.

INT. NICO'S APARTMENT ATRIUM - DAY Nico hurries up the steps to the third floor landing. She knocks repeatedly on her door as she fumbles for her keys. NICO Hello? Hello? She finds her keys and unlocks the door.

INT. NICO'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS She scans the quiet apartment for signs of life. NICO Linus? Jamie? Damnit. She sees her cell phone on the coffee table. She grabs it and dials a number, waiting through a voicemail greeting. NICO (cont'd) Shit, Jamie, I'm home. Where the fuck ARE you guys? Call me back.

She throws her phone down on the couch and begins to straighten the room like a homemaker possessed. 57.

INT. DOLLY LLAMA'S LIVING ROOM - DAY Fairly cluttered but ever so clean, this fabulous contradiction is Dolly Llama's spacious apartment. Dressed more conservative than the Queen Bait club he towers above Linus, seated innocently on the couch. Dolly Llama hands him a poly-bagged first printing of Frank Millar's "Batman" work. DOLLY LLAMA That my friend is Batman: Year One. It has everything one needs to know about the Caped Crusader minus his wonderful predilection toward young circus wards. I assume you know how to handle it? Linus nods, gingerly removing the comic. Dolly llama moves to the kitchenette counter where Jamie sits. DOLLY LLAMA (cont'd) Who squeezed him out? JAMIE He's Nico's. DOLLY LLAMA Still meandering around that bush? Jamie makes a hand gesture to imply a joint. DOLLY LLAMA (cont'd) In front of the lil' specimen? JAMIE He's smelt it before. Dolly llama motions toward the potential narc in time to see him curiously affix a ball-gag to his forehead.

DOLLY LLAMA Oh my lord, he's wearing it like a helmet. 58.

Dolly llama crosses over to grab an ornate hookah pipe on the floor beside Linus. DOLLY LLAMA (cont'd) Would you like a Capri Sun? LIL' BARISTA No thank you. Dolly Llama crosses back to the table and packs the device like a pro. The two take turns taking hits. DOLLY LLAMA Seriously, what are you dealing? JAMIE With Nico? DOLLY LLAMA Without Elfman. You dumped his formerly twenty-something ass for another pair of leather pants. And this pair sits down to pee. JAMIE I like Nico. And Elfman and I are like soul-mates so we understand it. DOLLY LLAMA Elfman would do anything for you and you're traipsing all over his little heart. You, lady and that tramp. JAMIE Don't talk like that about Nico. DOLLY LLAMA We always talk like that about Nico. That's why we like Nico.

JAMIE Not anymore. She and I have a lot in common. 59.

DOLLY LLAMA Like liking guys? (glances at Linus) That blanket is just skinny legs and all. (to Linus) Honey, I'm gonna fatten you up with either Teddy-Grams or some E.L. Fudge. Dolly Llama goes to his cupboard to load up a tray with cracker snacks. Jamie pulls out his phone to check the LCD. JAMIE (to Linus) Hey Parker, we missed a call from your mom. Dolly llama walks the tray of cookies and his martini into the living room. Linus eyes himself some cookies while Jamie calls Nico back. JAMIE (cont'd) (into phone) Hey...wow you love to swear... we're at a friend's house... we'll be right back, what's the damage about? Dolly llama looks up from the cookie tray over to Jamie. Something is obviously up.

EXT. STREET - DAY Jamie and Linus walk quickly towards Nico's apartment. JAMIE How often does your dad come to town?

LIL' BARISTA Whenever he brings me back. I saw him two weeks ago. Mommy never does. 60.

They walk up the steps to Nico's apartment.

INT. NICO'S APARTMENT - DAY The door opens as Linus and Jamie enter the apartment. Linus's eyes light up as he spots a gentleman sitting on the couch beside Nico. Its MICAH, a handsome well- dressed twenty-nine year-old. MICAH Linus! LINUS Daddy! The two embrace as Nico's smile drops for Jamie. Micah, ever the gentleman, extends his hand MICAH Hi. I'm Micah Pollard. Linus's dad. NICO And my ex husband. MICAH Somehow I'm both. Jamie refuses to take Micah's hand. MICAH (cont'd) (to Linus) So, where are you guys coming from? LINUS A bear's house. MICAH Like the zoo?

JAMIE Not exactly. 61.

MICAH I don't normally show up like this, with no announcement, so I'm sorry if you had to cut it short. NICO Can't be too short now that it's almost evening. Jamie sizes Micah up as he takes out his pack of cigarettes. JAMIE Cigarette, sir? Micah smiles politely, looking to Nico. NICO Not in the house. Jamie knows that. Obvious to the tension, Micah turns to Linus. MICAH Linus, want to show me this comic book you've been working on? LINUS Yes. Linus leads Micah into his bedroom. Nico shakes her head as she steps toward the roof access door in the kitchen. Jamie follows close behind.

EXT. APARTMENT ROOF - DAY The access door is pushed open as Nico storms onto the roof. Jamie follows, lighting up two cigarettes in his mouth. 62.

NICO Do you know what it makes me look like when I can't find my own son? Or when he finally comes strolling in with- (off Jamie's fingernails) -those half-polished nails? Jamie hands Nico one of the lit cigarettes. JAMIE That guy's a homophobe. NICO You're not gay anymore. JAMIE Then he's a fascist. NICO Based on what? JAMIE That he expects your lives to just match up. NICO We share custody. Our lives need similarity. JAMIE Your kid had a great day. I showed him a great time and he enjoyed being with me. NICO This isn't about you, Jamie. JAMIE Then what's it about?

NICO It's about YOU. 63.

JAMIE You can take this. It's your ex who has a problem with it. Everything has to be fine and dandy with Mr. Pollard. I'm making you conscious so you don't have to be comfortable. NICO Micah and I have reservations in- (checks watch) -one hour. JAMIE You're going to eat with this guy? NICO Yes, and Mrs. Konisberg is going to watch Linus and you are going to go home. JAMIE Fine, great and YES. I would love to just slide down the fire-escape. But I don't think it's really up to code. So I'll just go down the front steps. Jamie pushes past Nico and reenters the apartment building.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Nico and Micah sip wine over a plate of appetizers. MICAH Always nice of her to watch Linus.

NICO She misses her dozen or so kids. MICAH 64. MICAH (cont'd) I remember when Robbie moved out. How often do they come by? Nico sips her wine as a response. MICAH (cont'd) Linus was excited to show me his room. He's been drawing on the walls. NICO It's chalk. It should come off. MICAH He's also still sleeping on that futon frame. I thought since I was up for a few days I could get him a real bed. NICO If Linus needs anything I'll get it. Save your millions for every third weekend. MICAH I guess that's kind of why I'm here. And there's no easy way to say it. (takes a sip of wine) I want full custody of Linus. NICO FASCIST! MICAH What? NICO I think I said "fashion." What did YOU say?

MICAH Nico, you're great. And I know you're trying but- 65.

NICO But what isn't good enough for my son? MICAH Look at your apartment. It's a mess. I get him new clothes and they're shredded the next time he comes out. NICO I am working so many shifts for that kid. I make him meals, I get him books and I am a great mother. MICAH It's not like you won't see him. You'll have visitation rights- NICO You can't come to MY house, when I HAVE HIM and pull this. Just because you've got, what? A swing set? He HATES the swings. MICAH You want to know what I hear about? I hear about late nights, constant smoking, you coming home drunk- NICO Does Mrs. Konisberg tell you this? MICAH HE tells me. Linus is seven years old. He's a smart kid and he needs a stable home. NICO He has a hard time making friends, he has high anxiety. It's taken this long for him to get comfortable with his social worker- 66.

MICAH Then we'll figure out a way he can still see her. NICO He's not going anywhere and he's not going with you. MICAH I've got a lawyer to take it to court. What do you have? Nico's mouth drops open in silence.

INT. NICO'S APARTMENT ATRIUM - NIGHT The door to Linus's bedroom is open as he lays asleep in his bed. Nico watches from the kitchen table. She looks to her phone and, after a moment of hesitation, dials a number.

EXT. NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT Jamie leans against the outside wall, sucking down a cigarette with three well-coifed friends. He looks down at the cell phone to see Nico' name on the display. He shuts his phone off, flicks his cigarette and re-enters the club.

INT. COFFEE HOUSE - NIGHT Elfman sits at the counter pretending to read as he waits for his date. Kira approaches him from the espresso machine. KIRA Whatcha' doing?

Elfman continues "reading." ELFMAN Waiting. 67.

KIRA For a girl? ELFMAN (laughs to himself) Yeah, right. (snapping realization) Yeah, right. (turns toward Kira) How did you know? KIRA You've been staring at that same page for twelve minutes. And it's a listing for coastal real estate. Elfman examines the digest's cover. ELFMAN Who ARE these for? KIRA That was entirely intrusive of me but I've seen you before. I'm your friend's friend. ELFMAN Kira KIRA Yes. Like the Gelfling. Elfman nods politely and turns back to his digest. Kira hovers for a moment and just as she turn back toward the Espresso machine- ELFMAN So, was it convinicing?

She turns back immediately. KIRA Fake reading's supposed to be. 68.

ELFMAN And I look like i' waiting for a girl? KIRA Well, you are. ELFMAN I suppose. KIRA Blind date? FIRST date. After a previous relationship. ELFMAN How do you know? KIRA I DON'T. I just thought it would be a cool character trait if I DID. ELFMAN Your italicized inflection IS flawless. KIRA And this counter-top banter is a bit precious. ELFMAN It's a tad Rosalind Russel. KIRA Or maybe a little Irene Dunnish? ELFMAN Now THAT is truly fascinating. KIRA "Old Hollywood" geek.

ELFMAN (looking about) Isn't there anything else to read in here? 69.

Kira hands him a newsprint schedule of an indie movie house KIRA That's the schedule for the Brattle theater. It's this town's last ditch bastion for proper films that aren't just fully restored anniversary re- release prints. And it's got uncomfortable seats, which is worth it. ELFMAN (reading schedule) "The Awful Truth." KIRA Thursday at 7:30 and again at 10:45. On a double-bill with "Penny Serenade." It's on my daily planner. Kira holds up her cell phone to show the programmable calendar. Cassandra, well dressed with too much eye- liner, rushes the counter, breaking the moment. CASSANDRA Elfman! ELFMAN Celeste. CASSANDRA (correcting) Cassandra. ELFMAN I should gave said "Cassandra." Ready to get dinner?

CASSANDRA I already had lunch. Want to go for a walk? 70.

ELFMAN Sure CASSANDRA Great, my car's right out front. As the exit, Elfman turns to Kira with a friendly wink. She waves back, watching them through the window.

EXT. WOODED ROAD - NIGHT Cassandra's car barrels down a dimly lit road. CASSANDRA (O.S.) I know this road really well. ELFMAN (O.S.) Are your headlights on? CASSANDRA (O.S.) You don't like drivers, huh? ELFMAN (O.S.) Some o them. I like you... clutching that steering wheel with your knees. CASSANDRA (O.S.) You go out a lot?" ELFMAN (O.S.) Into well lit areas. CASSANDRA (O.S.) I date all the time. And I go to Sexaholics Anonymous. The car takes a curve kicking up dirt as it fishtails.

EXT. WOODS - NIGHT

Elfman stands behind Cassandra in a quiet wooded area. It's lit by the quarter moon and aided by Cassandra's headlights. 71.

CASSANDRA (inhales) Take in all that ... wood. ELFMAN It's so unnatural. CASSANDRA What is? ELFMAN Th sounds of nature. (glances back at the car) Is that good for the battery? CASSANDRA You weren't expecting Walden Pond? ELFMAN Well, no. But we're here. Cassandra shakes her head "no" with a smiule. ELFMAN (cont'd) No? This is actually just a forest in the middle of nowhere? CASSANDRA I've never been able to find it in the dark (laughs) Found this though. Isn't it great? ELFMAN I bet there are a lot of mass graves out here. CASSANDRA You make a better first impression. Remember that guy at the coffee shop? That was YOU talking. And the guy at the bar who said all the right things. 72. CASSANDRA (cont'd) (points at Elfman) THIS guy talks a little different. ELFMAN THIS GUY talks immaculately and more of society should emulate and reciprocate his precise diction. CASSANDRA (lunges sexually) Ooooooh, is that dirty? Elfman pushes her back in panic. ELFMAN No. No that ... what are you doing? CASSANDRA I'm going to jump you here in the woods. She grabs him but he fights free. ELFMAN Seriously, I think I got in the wrong car back there. I was supposed to be going out with a Divinity school student and I'm seeing no sign of that in your actions. She grabs his shoulder to kiss him sloppily. CASSANDRA Hail Mary all over your FACE! ELFMAN (backing away) Jesus Celeste- 73.

CASSANDRA (keeping close steps) That's Babar's wife. ELFMAN (correcting himself) -Cassandra...you're like a nymphomaniac. CASSANDRA I've been profiled in three science journals. ELFMAN That's scholarly. Look, I'm going to tell you something and I think it might make you... a little... angry. I'm gay. CASSANDRA I've been with zoo animals. ELFMAN I broke up with my boyfriend, a human, and, to better understand it, I asked you out. CASSANDRA You dumped him? ELFMAN Not exactly- CASSANDRA He dumped YOU. ELFMAN Is that what we want to focus on?

Elfman stumbles over an upright branch, grabbing it like a walking stick for support. 74.

CASSANDRA You're on the rebound. I love catching people on the rebound. ELFMAN I'm not on the rebound. CASSANDRA Sure you are. No one likes to be broken up with. And everyone love affection. She jumps at him. He instinctively swings the stick and swats her in the face. She falls to the ground. ELFMAN I'm so sorry. Please tell me you're into that. Cassandra's kneeled over on her hands and knees. CASSANDRA You knocked out a contact. ELFMAN I'm sure we'll find it. Elfman turns to look for the lens accidentally smacking her a second time.

EXT. WOODS - LATER Elfman and Cassandra sit on the roof of her car. She holds a shirt-wrapped ice-pack to her eye while nursing a martini. Elfman sips from a vodka bottle. ELFMAN It's pretty fortunate you have a mini-bar in your trunk. She downs her drink and holds up her cup for Elfman to top off with straight vodka. She takes a sip. CASSANDRA You look like the night's been ruined. 75.

ELFMAN You're bleeding from your eye. CASSANDRA So we're not going to make out? OH BITCH! ELFMAN That's all you want from this? CASSANDRA WE'RE ON A DATE. ELFMAN I've been trying to tell you this is just research. After my boyfriend went, well, another direction- CASSANDRA THAT'S A COCK-OUT! QUEER IS SUCH A COCK-OUT. ELFMAN It's "cop-out." CASSANDRA This is dating. You don't learn anything from this. ELFMAN I'm going to. CASSANDRA By coming out to the woods drunk? ELFMAN You drove here drunk? CASSANDRA You get drunk and stupid and make-out. That's how you're supposed to do it. It's how i do it and I guarantee your ex does too. 76.

She swigs her drink.

EXT. ELFMAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Cassandra's wheel peels out leaving Elfman at the curb. He turns back toward his house. As he approaches the front stoop he spots Jamie, with a half-drank whiskey bottle, spray-painting the front of the house. ELFMAN You're tagging our own home? Elfman steps past to unlock the door. JAMIE Where have you been? ELFMAN Just out. JAMIE You're seeing someone. Elfman turns back to see Jamie slumped down on the stoop. As he holds up his arms Elfman pulls him to his feet.

INT. ELFMAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Elfman drags Jamie into the apartment. JAMIE (drunken slur) Fucking Nico. Fucking Micah. ELFMAN At least once. Elfman lays Jamie on the couch and then goes to hang his coat up. He pours himself a drink as Jamie continues. JAMIE The guy is dull news. 77.

ELFMAN He's the father of her child. JAMIE That doesn't mean anything. I get Nico out of her head and her job and the orphanage apartment. All this guy has is some... mansion with a...yacht...moat. Elfman sits down across from Jamie. ELFMAN Do you know any actual facts? JAMIE Micah's conservative thinking. Micah comes from money. ELFMAN So that's how he pays for the moat? JAMIE Stay on my side. We like me. ELFMAN She was married to this man. Give him do credit. JAMIE She didn't know anything when they dated. And I'm trying to show her that there's something to life she doesn't get. It was the same with you. ELFMAN I don't have a kid. JAMIE You take things so seriously like an adult. You two are the same deal. And I could've shown it to her HER. 78.

ELFMAN This guy came to town for a reason. And if you really think you're so great...then be great. JAMIE I could do less for Nico. Elfman gets up and crosses toward the bedroom. ELFMAN And you'd still be a headache tomorrow. Elfman leaves Jamie in the living room alone. JAMIE Everyone's a bitch but me. Jamie glances toward Elfman's bedroom then back into thought.

EXT. APARTMENT ROOF - DAY Nico smokes b herself. She becomes aware of a clanking sound from beneath the roof's edge. Crossing to the fire escape she is greeted by an awkward-in-size potted plant. Jamie places the plant on the ledge as he struggles to climb onto the roof. NICO This is the opposite of an emergency. Most people go DOWN the fire escape. JAMIE I didn't think you'd let me in the front. NICO What are yo doing here?

JAMIE (gesture to pot) I felt bad about the flower bed. 79.

NICO That's what you felt bad about? I called you thee days ago. He wants to take my son. Doesn't that warrant more than...a stupid potted plant? (looks at it) That isn't even indigenous to this coast. Where did you get this thing? JAMIE You didn't want me here. You kicked me out as soon as that big, fake name showed up. NICO And then I called you. JAMIE My voice-mail. You kicked me out in person, you know, face and lips. NICO You're no anti-luddite. You text me when we're in the same house. JAMIE (takes out phone) And I can do it right now. Saves on the minutes. NICO There are so many directions to push you. JAMIE (while texting) And a complex of stay-at-home neighbors to witness. Why are you smoking up here? NICO There's no smoking in the house. 80.

JAMIE Even when he's at school? NICO I kept him home. Jamie look up from his texting. NICO (cont'd) I just wanted him around. Jamie pockets his phone as the two catch their breath. JAMIE Then let's got get him. Nico holds her position, unsure of Jamie's intentions.

EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD PLAYGROUND - DAY A community play-ground alive with wealthy parents and trophy children. Jamie, Nico and Linus (in an elaborate Painter's Beret) stand outside the gate looking in. NICO It looks pretty crowded. JAMIE They're kids so it's actually half as many. Linus fidgets nervously, looking down at his feet. NICO He doesn't want to go. JAMIE No, you don't want to go, with all those moms in there. What kid doesn't like the playground?

Jamie steps in and turns back, expecting them to follow. 81.

NICO It's not something we do. JAMIE That's not normal. LINUS I'm not normal. I am abnormal. Nico kneels down to console him. NICO No, honey, don't say that. (to Jamie) He doesn't have to go. JAMIE What's up kid? LINUS The swings sever our connection to the Earth. When we are in the air we could keep on going. Like the Wendigo. Jamie looks to Nico in disbelief. She shrugs her shoulders. Jamie kneels down before Linus. JAMIE Have you ever tested this theory? NICO Let it rest. We're not going. JAMIE (to Linus) No, you're not. (gestures to Nico) WE'RE going.

LINUS That' the same pronoun. 82.

JAMIE (to Nico) You've rode the swings before. NICO Yes. JAMIE And lived to tell the tale. NICO Of course. JAMIE Prove it. Nico follows Jamie's line-of-sight, locking eyes with an uncertain Linus. She looks back up to a smiling Jamie and then back down to Linus. Jamie grabs her hand and leads her into the park. Linus remains at the gate. Nico keeps her eyes on him as Jamie and her begin to swing. NICO I'm a bad mother. Leaving him at the gate. JAMIE You can see him from here. And all the other mothers can see you watching him. Nico follows Jamie's line of sight once again back to Linus. NICO What's your sudden interest in him? JAMIE He takes after his mother.

NICO What does that mean? 83.

JAMIE That he has the potential to be a stellar human being. The two continue to soar back and forth through the air. Linus remains by the gate watching their every swing.

INT. BED AND MATTRESS STORE - DAY Linus presses his face up against the glass as he peers in from the outside. Soon, he, Nico and Jamie are inside browsing the floor. Linus leads Jamie around, pointing out various child beds of interest.

INT. CANVAS BED - CONTINUING Jamie and Linus are still in the Mattress Store only now they lay side by side engulfed by the tent-like covering of a hild's canvas bed. JAMIE So, you must think you're a pretty good artist. LINUS I guess. But I want to be the Pope. JAMIE Don't you like drawing? LINUS Not really. But its what artists do and my dad says I'm artistic. JAMIE You can be something else.

LINUS We are only who they say we are. 84.

JAMIE No, Linus. These people, your dad, they're going to tell you what songs to listen to and which sneakers fit, but they're going to starve you for what you really need. You've go to be different to make their life a living Hell. Linus looks toward Jamie and nods.

INT. BED AND MATTRESS STORE - CONTINUOUS Nico checks a price tag, wincing at the price. She glances over to see Jamie and Linus's feet jutting out of the canvas bed. She smiles at the sweet sight of it.

INT. BED AND MATTRESS STORE - CONTINUING Linus rocks the devil horns salute. LIL' BARISTA "Don't trust the man." JAMIE (reciprocates the salute) NEVER trust the man. (points at self) Unless he's as fabulous as you are. The two bump fists.

INT. NICO'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Nico and Jamie sit on her couch sipping wine.

NICO What's your dad like? 85.

JAMIE (gestures at self) My father produced THIS. But not from upbringing. So we don' talk. NICO I bet you still get an outlandish allowance. JAMIE That a judgment call? NICO (shakes her head "no") Entirely. You don't work but you drink top shelf wine. You can't live as well as you do without some sort of family ties. JAMIE That money's supposed to be college money so I use it in revolt. NICO And you're dressed very well for the revolution. JAMIE Eff off. NICO Calm down, I'm the only one here. (she studies his face) You're unique with Linus. (with a smile) Doesn't mean you're good with kids but a last you're here. 86.

She leans in and kisses him, spilling the wine glasses on the carpet. The red stain stays as their sillhouettes embrace.

INT. VINTAGE CLOTHES STORE - DAY Elfman and Stinson browse the racks for fashion. Elfman is on a fashion mission. Stinson is just looking for something resembling Levis. ELFMAN So I've got some leads about Kira. She likes old Hollywood movies, loves Cary Grant and there's this perfect double bill at some theater in Harvard Square called the Brattle. (off Stinson's blank look) Its playing Thursday. (off same stare) She'd want to see it. (same stare) You could ask her. STINSON What if she's already going? ELFMAN You could go with her. STINSON I don't have her phone number- ELFMAN She works at that coffee shop. STINSON I guess I could get the number from information.

ELFMAN Just go down there. STINSON I don't want to go down there. 87.

ELFMAN But you DO go down there. You're a customer. STINSON I do have that angle. But I hate playing an angle. I want to be sincere, not some social Mandrake tricking her into sincerity by sleight of hand. ELFMAN Mandrake was an actual magician. STINSON He was a comic strip character. ELFMAN He WAS a comic strip character but in the comic strip he used actual magic. STINSON Yes. ELFMAN So, it wasn't sleight of hand. Therefore, if you were a social Mandrake you wouldn't really be tricking her into anything. You would be relying on actual charms. STINSON I think you just did something with words there but I'm not sure I follow. Is this part of your gay research project? ELFMAN No.

STINSON Then why do you want me to ask her out? 88.

ELFMAN So I can say that you did it. Elfman holds a particularly stylish shirt up to Stinson.

INT. COFFEE HOUSE - NIGHT Stinson approaches Kira at the counter with an empty mug. He wears the shirt Elfman picked out. KIRA Another cup, huh? STINSON Another cup. She fills his mug. KIRA You've been here for- (glances at clock) -almost a hundred and eighty minutes. STINSON I've got my book. KIRA What book? STINSON "A Wild Sheep Chase." Kira hands Stinson his cup of coffee. KIRA Never heard of it. STINSON No? Do you like movies? KIRA I do like movies. 89.

STINSON What do I owe you. KIRA One dollar.

Stinson hands her a dollar and drops another in the tip jar. STINSON Thanks. He takes his coffee in caffeinated shame.

INT. COFFEE HOUSE - LATER Only a few scholarly souls remain. Stinson is still seated reading his book. Kira collects empty cups as she passes his table. KIRA We're locking up in fifteen. Stinson watches as she crosses back behind the counter.

EXT. COFFEE HOUSE - NIGHT Stinson fidgets atop the bench in front of the coffee shop. The interior lights click off as Kira nad her co-worker exit the front door. She locks up and waves to Stinson as they pass by. He nods watching her move down the street.

INT. ELFMAN'S BEDROOM - DAY The room is ransacked as Jamie sorts through the closet for clothes. Elfman enters, still jangling his keys.

ELFMAN I'm home, by the way. JAMIE Most of these don't fit. 90.

Jamie holds up on particular shirt for examination. ELFMAN I use to wear that all the time. JAMIE And those were harsh times. Jamie tosses the shirt to the floor and starts to stuff his three choices into a duffle bag on the bed. Elfman reclaims the shirts and properly folds them neatly into the bag. ELFMAN Haven't seen you in a while. Jamie begins shifting through the bureau. JAMIE I've been at Nico's. ELFMAN And that's working out? JAMIE Micah wants to move Linus down to rural town USA. And I'm showing her how to fight back. ELFMAN This rural town ... where is it? JAMIE Vermont. Fucking cheese capital. ELFMAN That would be Wisconsin. Has he got a good home? JAMIE He's got a home.

ELFMAN And a full time job? 91.

JAMIE I guess. What do you care? ELFMAN The guy sounds like he cares for his son. And can probably take CARE of his son so ... maybe he should. Jamie zips up the bag in a dramatic gesture, JAMIE REPUBLICAN! ELFMAN You seemed over her the other night. JAMIE I'm just trying to change this planet. Make it different. ELFMAN Three years, jamie. We've had three years but this has been, like, six days that I haven't seen you. JAMIE This is how it is, this is how I told you it would be. ELFMAN You said you weren't gay and then you said you felt like Ethiopian so I marinated some raw beef and we're still together. Not sexually but you get your Netflixes here, you still live here. JAMIE How do you want this to end? You want to wait up every night until I stop coming home? 92.

ELFMAN I want you back in the house. Just tonight. And tomorrow. Elfman reaches out to Jamie but he pulls away from his hand. JAMIE Get over me Elfy. Jamie turns to leave as Elfman seaches the nightstand for cigarettes. ELFMAN Don't go. Don't leave. Let's just have a cigarette, you don't have to leave- The front door slams shut. Elfman look up to see Jamie has left. ELFMAN (cont'd) No. He stands in place staring at the door.

EXT. BRATTLE THEATER - NIGHT Stinson buys a single ticket and steps past a marquee advertising "The Awful Truth."

INT. BRATTLE THEATER - NIGHT Stinson sits in the balcony watching people mull in. To his surprise Kira takes a seat two rows in front of him. He sinks further into his seat as the house lights dim.

EXT. BRATTLE THEATER - NIGHT

Stinson steps out with the rest of the movie-going public. He notices Kira and walks in her direction. He's almost past her when he stops and points to her cigarettes. 93.

STINSON Could I bum one of those? KIRA I only have two left. Want a drag? STINSON No, I don't really smoke. They both stand in a moment in silence. KIRA I don't know you name. STINSON It's Stinson. KIRA First or last? STINSON First. My last name is Bern. KIRA I'm Kira. STINSON I know. I mean, I've heard people use it so I assumed they were talking about you. You guys sell the coffee in bulk, right? KIRA Yeah. STINSON I come in all the time but I've got one of those stove top, ahm ... what are they called?

KIRA Stove top presses. 94.

STINSON Right. I'd probably save a lot of money if I brewed it myself. KIRA You like Cary Grant? STINSON That was my first time seeing him. KIRA I love them both. STINSON The Awful Truth and... KIRA Cary Grant and Irene Dunn. They're hilarious. Cary Grant, GOD! Its almost a cliche to talk about him. STINSON He's pretty ... ahm ... a leading man. KIRA THE leading man. I'll only watch him on the big screen. Places like this are becoming extinct. STINSON (blurting out) Do you want to get a cup of coffee? (catches self) I'm sorry. Its like asking someone who works in insurance- (struggles for analogy) -a question about insurance. KIRA I'll get a cup of coffee. 95.

STINSON Really? KIRA Do you know any places? Stinson thinks for a moment and then nods cautiously.

EXT. FANCY COFFEE SHOP - NIGHT The front door of a pricey gourmet coffee shop. The door is locked and an employee inside hangs up the "CLOSED" sign.

EXT. HARVARD SQUARE - NIGHT Stinson and Kira walk with the appropriate distance between them. They each carry a cup of 7-11 coffee. KIRA What do you do? STINSON It's nothing, really. KIRA What do you WANT to do? STINSON I studied journalism for four years. Kira takes the lid off her coffee and examines the inside. KIRA Investigative and hard-hitting? Or tabloid and sensational? STINSON Ahm...print. Reporting it as it occurs, interviewing eyewitnesses- 96.

KIRA (off her coffee) Did you put milk in yours? Stinson nods and Kira takes his cup and adds a splash to her own. She takes a sip and, satisfied, hands it back. KIRA (cont'd) You always drink it black. STINSON I do. KIRA Do you mean to? STINSON You have the milk behind the counter so- KIRA (gestures to cup) That's actually a lot of milk. STINSON It cools it down. Otherwise, it takes forever to drink. KIRA Our coffee's hot too. STINSON Hotter. Kira takes an exaggerated side-step around a corner. Stinson follows.

EXT. LIQUOR STORE - NIGHT

Nico sits on the curb sipping from a brown-bagged booze bottle. Jamie exits the liquor store with a bottle of whiskey. He lights up a cigarette and pull Nico to her feet. 97.

JAMIE The party started three hours ago so everyone arrived half an hour ago. NICO I'm already tipsy. JAMIE Then you can only get more. NICO I'm serious. I didn't eat much today. I'm so stressed. JAMIE (stern) No, no, we don' think about it, remember. Tonight is Absentee Mother night. NICO It's just ... Micah wants to take him, you know. He wants to. JAMIE So tell him to fuck off. NICO I can't do that. JAMIE (looking around) Yes you can. (spots what he's looking for) Come on. He leads a stumbling Nico toward...

EXT. STREET CORNER - CONTINUING An antiquated phone booth. 98.

JAMIE Have a quarter? NICO (hands him one) I also have a cell phone. JAMIE (inserts quarter) This is more dramatic. (checks instructions) Got another quarter? Nico hands him another quarter. JAMIE (cont'd) Who's the lawyer? NICO I don't know. JAMIE He gave you the guy's card. NICO (searching purse) Yeah but- (hands it over) -his office is closed. JAMIE (dials number) So you're going to tell his answering machine. NICO Tell it what? JAMIE That you'll see him in court. Nico hangs the phone back up as the quarters drop back out. 99.

NICO I can't do that. JAMIE The reason you can't stop thinking about this is that all you do is think about it. Micah thinks he's a better parent but he LEFT. You've always been here, you've always been with Linus and he has no right to come back. (holds up quarters) So tell his lawyer to suck it. Nico hesitates and then dials the number. NICO (into phone) Hello, I'm Nico Parks, estranged wife of your client Micah Pollard. And I'm calling ... I'm calling you to say- (glances at Jamie, then smiles) -he's not the stay at home type of dad. He's not a dad and he can't have Linus because he's never had Linus so I'm going to fight for him and I'll see you in court. Death to all lawyers. She hangs up the phone, swallowing a surprised laugh. Jamie smiles back.

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - NIGHT Kira prances along the sidewalk as Stinson follows in steady stride.

KIRA I like you friend. 100.

STINSON Elfman? We work together. You know him? KIRA I talked to him. Not much but- (giggles at herself) -he's kind of seeing some girl, right. STINSON Kind of. KIRA He said it was a blind date, I was just curious. You can tell him I asked. STINSON You like Elfman? KIRA We had a fun conversation. STINSON You must be heading somewhere. KIRA Not really. STINSON Oh. (looks around) Because I thought we were heading this way... Kira shakes her head no. STINSON (cont'd) We're still in Cambridge, right?

Kira shakes her head again as something catches her eye. She darts off the street toward it. 101.

STINSON (cont'd) You could get us back? He frantically follows her.

EXT. PLAYGROUND - NIGHT The sidewalk becomes sand as Stinson stop at the mouth of an open gate. He's looking into a child's playground, adorned with see-saws, balance beams and Kira' current resting place, a swing set. He glances at the gate's plaque. STINSON They close. After ten. Kira remains silent at the swing set. STINSON (cont'd) Did you know this was here? Kira starts to pump her legs, getting the swing to go higher and higher. Stinson leans against the open gate, the squeak of the swing cutting through the silence.

EXT. STINSON'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Kira and Stinson walk to the front of Stinson's building. STINSON Thanks for walking me home. KIRA This is home? STINSON Yeah. You sure you know where you're headed?

KIRA Do you? 102.

STINSON No. KIRA Thanks for the coffee. Kira begins walking away. Stinson watches as she gets a block between them finally shouting in place. STINSON I HAD A GOOD TIME. Kira continues walking, waving over her shoulder. Stinson takes out the keys to his apartment.

INT. OFFICE - DAY Elfman sits in the break room. He pours a cup of coffee and attends to it with a flask of whiskey. He looks up to see Stinson enter. ELFMAN Good morning. (glances at flask) We were out of cream so ... I'm drinking at 8:45am. STINSON Why'd you want me to ask Kira out? ELFMAN Because you like her. And did you? STINSON Not really. We went for a walk. ELFMAN Was it a nice walk? 103.

STINSON Parts of it. The other night I asked you why you wanted me to ask her out and you said you wanted to see if I could. That's not the same reason as liking her. So you're telling me two different things and they conflict. ELFMAN You're a little paranoid. STINSON I know. (pulls prescription bottle from pocket) That's why I take these. ELFMAN (off label) Hey, me too. STINSON (pockets pills) Do you find her interesting? ELFMAN Yes, the very little I know about her is interesting. STINSON So why not ask her out? Elfman shrugs as Stinson cuts him off with authority. STINSON (cont'd) BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY. (slight recovery) I don't know anything about her, but I'm actually LOOKING for a relationship. 104. STINSON (cont'd) YOU meet her, she likes YOU, which is fine, but none of this seems to be about me. ELFMAN Look, I honestly had no idea that she felt that way, IF she feels that way. I can talk to her. I can fix this STINSON If you're really getting what you want from asking these people out then you should just ask her out. I'm just getting in the way. Stinson, unable to make eye contact, leaves the break room. Elfman remains, watching him leave.

INT. COFFEE HOUSE - DAY Elfman enters the packed coffee house looking for Kira. He approaches the counter to be greeted by a BARISTA. ELFMAN Is Kira working? BARISTA Not today. KIRA (O.S.) Elfman. Elfman turns, surprised to find KMira seated at a table sipping ice tead. KIRA (sips her tea) I ran into you little friend the other night.

ELFMAN I know. He kind of intended that. 105.

KIRA Did he say I asked about you? ELFMAN He may have. KIRA I mentioned you because I like talking to you. And because we like the same movies. ELFMAN Did Stinson like the movie? KIRA He said he did. How was your date? ELFMAN She's...out of traction. KIRA She terrifies a lot of people. ELFMAN Yes. Look, Stinson may no be the most...likely to speak, but...he's a good guy- KIRA Did he send you here with a mix disc? ELFMAN No. He doesn't know I'm here. (pause) Is this at least a LITTLE awkward for you? I know you like me because you told the guy I was trying to fix you up with- KIRA And now you know. Do you want to hang out? 106.

ELFMAN (surprisingly quick ) Yes. He is pleasantly surprised by his response.

EXT. INMAN STREET - DAY ELFMAN'S POV as he and Kira walk past a dog-walker, a mailman, a bike messenger and others. Each passerby stares the couple down, breaking the cinematic illusion. ELFMAN You'll just walk with anyone? KIRA Pretty much. It's free. There's lots to get lost in and, if it goes bad, you can still do it in silence. ELFMAN Sounds like a nice alternative to dating. KIRA Walking? ELFMAN Silence. A band of joggers pass.

EXT. CHARLES RIVER - LATER Elfman and Kira sit under the afternoon shade of a large tree.

ELFMAN Everyone goes into your coffee shop so they can be seen at your coffee shop. Its mistaking capitalism for conversation. 107.

KIRA Well, I like being seen. Its why I work there. And its why any of us go out. ELFMAN They're using you. KIRA Not really. I get to interact with the audience, perform different lines in different outfits and, if it goes badly, its forgotten the next day. ELFMAN People don't want to be forgotten. They want to be noticed. KIRA Even if its as the person who doesn't want to be noticed? ELFMAN You're clever with words. KIRA Which makes for great conversation. ELFMAN I should probably be going. KIRA I haven't shown you my favorite part. ELFMAN Of Cambridge? I've probably seen it in a college brochure.

KIRA Not like this. 108.

Kira stands up and pulls Elfman to his feet. He steps cautiously from underneath the foliage into a glimmering rainbow of light.

EXT. FANTASY SHORE - DAY Its a gallery of cartoon depictions of the Charles River. Some are bright pastels, some are sequential story-boards and some shiver with the slightest hint of texture. The montage pans through trees, fields and bridges showing frozen silhouettes walking about, crewing the water and otherwise occupying the canvas of Cambridge. Elfman and Kira stand before on of these panoramic illustrations of the shoreline. It encompasses their entire view. ELFMAN So, no boyfriends? KIRA No. ELFMAN No girlfriend? KIRA Requisite question? ELFMAN We are in Cambridge. KIRA Would that stop you? ELFMAN From? KIRA Flirting?

CUT TO: 109.

EXT. CHARLES RIVER - DAY We are back in the real world as Elfman and Kira continue their conversation without missing a beat. ELFMAN I should probably level with you. I'm gay. Besides, I've seen where flirting gets me and it requires a GPS. KIRA Flirting doesn't have to go anywhere. ELFMAN It doesn't have to go anywhere long term which makes it more exhausting. But if I'm going to put in the effort ... I want some longevity. KIRA Is that how you remain a single gay man? ELFMAN I'm not exactly single. KIRA Too bad. It could have been fun. ELFMAN Unfortunately we'll have to take a vow of "no fun."

EXT. MASSACHUSETTS BRIDGE - LATER Elfman and Kira have reached the Mass. Ave bridge that connects Cambridge with Boston. They stand on its edge looking across at the unreachable kingdom that is Back Bay Boston. The sun is beginning to set as the Citgo sign rises for dusk. 110.

EXT. MASSACHUSETTS AVENUE - NIGHT Kira and Elfman walk past MIT toward Cambridge. KIRA So do you text? ELFMAN I don't. KIRA Facebook? ELFMAN I still use a rotary phone. KIRA Rotisserie what? ELFMAN I do have a cell phone. KIRA So I could tell you if something came up. ELFMAN What might come up? KIRA Plans ELFMAN Kira, this seemed fun but I don't know what you're expecting from it. KIRA Right now? Your phone number. They each take out their phones to enter their numbers.

ELFMAN So what is this exactly? 111.

KIRA An intentional exchange of numerical value. And in public so totally for show. Elfman smiles at their exchange. DISSOLVE TO:

INT. OFFICE - DAY Elfman stands in the same position, holding his phone beside his cubicle wall at work. His smile drops as he looks toward Stinson, seated at his desk. He is oblivious to Elfman, as he dully focuses on his data entry. Elfman sits down, glances at his phone and tosses it atop the desk.

INT. ELFMAN'S APARTMENT ATRIUM - DAY A doorbell rings. Elfman opens the front door surprised to see Nico smiling sheepishly from his doorstep.

INT. ELFMAN'S APARTMENT - DAY Elfman enters his apartment with Nico following close behind. NICO I wouldn't have come over but he needs that phone charger. His phone died and its been costing me a fortune because he likes calling the movie phone in Tokyo. Elfman leads Nico into the bedroom and begins rummaging through a bureau drawer. ELFMAN It should be in one of these. 112.

NICO So, how are you? We don't have to talk about that. It is incredibly inappropriate. ELFMAN I, ahm ... I'm doing fine. NICO Really? ELFMAN I'm sort of ... spending time with this friend which I did not anticipate. I kind of enjoy it without expecting anything else from it. Its incredibly unhealthy. He finds the charger and hands it to Nico.

EXT. FRONT BALCONY - LATER Elfman and Nico sit on the fire escape passing a joint. NICO They need to see bank statements, credit cards, rental agreements, all just to verify my income. I've been raising him this long but I've faulted on a few loans and now they're using that against me. I can barely afford a lawyer. (takes a long drag) You'd think there'd be some Harvard undergrad willing to just show up in a suit. I mean, this is Cambridge, right?

ELFMAN Is Jamie helping? 113.

NICO He spends a lot of time with Linus. Takes him out some morning so I can sleep. He's really trying to be a support system. ELFMAN And that's his intention? NICO I on't know. ELFMAN Do you ever wonder why you live like this? Your rent is high, you work constant shifts, its not the most ideal situation to raise a child in. NICO That' why. Elfman takes a long drag. NICO (cont'd) Look, Elfy, for what its worth, this whole thing must be impossible for you. ELFMAN You and I were friends, I met him through you and now you're with him. If I had the time, I'd involve a fourth person. (Pause) He does still mention me, right? Nico grimaces with a slight flinch. Elfman's smiles meekly off in silence.

INT. COFFEE HOUSE - NIGHT Its Closing Time. Kira and a co-worker are putting the last of the chairs atop the tables as Elfman comes bursting in the door. 114.

ELFMAN Am I boring? Am I forgettable? Can you see me? Please tell me why i is that my supposed soul- mate can't take two moments out of his wide open day and express to his current girlfriend that he still sporadically thinks of me. KIRA Because life's a pop song in need of that hook. ELFMAN I give up. I totally and completely give up. He's moved in with her, he has his phone charger which means he also has his Ipod because somehow they're still the same device and now ... now ... what are you doing? KIRA I'm going to a party. And i'm going with you. She smiles as she grabs his hand and leads him down the street.

INT. NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT Jamie and Nico sip drinks among the dress-code of a trendy Cambridge hot-spot. JAMIE Want to dance for attention? Nico forces a smile, shaking her head "no." JAMIE (cont'd) Want to watch me dance for attention? 115.

NICO Linus is with Micah. Secretly I use to look forward to these weekends. And you know I love him but it was always a nice little memory of a social life. Is that awful? (becoming more desperate) You know they're in boston at the Plaza? Some comic book convention and a night in the city. He's twenty-five minutes away and I can't see him. Jamie's eyes look past her, formulating a plan.

INT. PARTY CENTRAL APARTMENT - NIGHT An alcoholic-ed party has taken over this five person apartment. Music spills from separate rooms as people in or around the drinking age stumble about. BICYCLE KID, a 19 year-old in reflective arm and ankle bands, opens the front door to let Kira and Elfman in. BICYCLE KID (recognition) Coffee shop! Kira holds up a six pack of beer as an offering. KIRA (same recognition) Bicycle kid. Elfman looks around as Kira throws her jacket on the spoke on an intricate bike rack protruding from the wall. Elfman adjusts his, preferring to keep it on. Snapshots of party excess surround them. 116.

INT. PARTY CENTRAL APARTMENT - NIGHT In one of the poster-clad bedroom a small circle of onlookers have gathered to watch Kira strum guitar atop the bed. She performs an acoustic version of the Lemonhead's "It's A Shame About Ray." A line of onlookers bob their heads in sync with her interpretation. All except Elfman, standing by the doorway and shaking his head. Feeling out of place, Elfman slips out the door unseen. Kira continues to strum.

EXT. PARK PLAZA HOTEL - NIGHT Boston's city skyline is silhouetted behind the classic architecture of the Park plaza Hotel.

INT. HOTEL BAR - NIGHT Its an elegant hotel bar populated with well-dressed patrons. Micah enters from the lobby and spots Jami sipping whiskey at the bar. He looks up as Micah crosses over to him. JAMIE Where's Linus? MICAH Upstairs watching TV. Micah places his cell phone atop the bar as the BARTENDER steps up politely. BARTENDER Good evening Mr. Pollard. 117.

MICAH Hello. (gestures at Jamie's drink) Scotch on the rocks? JAMIE No, its whiskey. Micah sits down and politely orders. MICAH I'll have a scotch straight up. BARTENDER Of course sir. Bartender prepares the drink as Micah turns to Jamie. MICAH You left that message about Nico being here. JAMIE Would you have come down if you knew it was me? MICAH I did know. When the concierge gave me the message I called her back. She has no idea why you're here. JAMIE Well, I could tell you. Bartender puts Micah's drink down/ MICAH Its about Linus. Why hasn't he ever mentioned you?

JAMIE You interrogate your son? What, does he tell you everything? 118.

MICAH Yes he does. I'm his father. JAMIE Well, while you have that legal title over him, I'm his, what, mentor? Front man? I give Linus what he needs. I get him into music, i show him movies and he belongs here. MICAH So you take him out, you buy him things and then, what? What are you doing for him? What are you teaching him? JAMIE I'm showing him about life in revolt. Everything you can't give him. MICAH You've been in his life then for, a month? Maybe a little longer? JAMIE As long as Nico and I have been together. MICAH Well, I don't always agree with Nico's decisions but I know every thing she says to him. The good stuff, the bad, things about me, because Linus tells me. He repeats what is important to him and I've yet to hear a single word you've taught him. 119.

JAMIE You don't deserve to. You got your alumni magazine and your, whatever, fortune, but you're scared of me. What I am and what I am for your son. MICAH What you are is a little boy who can take all these stands but can't take care of himself. JAMIE That's what you got? That's what you're going to say to me? I'm not afraid, all right? That kid loves me and you ex-wife agrees. And you can fight me all you want because you're not his dad. MICAH Stop treating my son like a tool. Nico can support herself. She can't support Linus. But she loves him. So she's going to fight. But you don't love him. So I don't give a fuck what you say. Micah downs his scotch and reaches for hi wallet. He puts twenty-five dollars on the counter as the bartender returns. MICAH (cont'd) This is for both. Thank you. Jamie glares at the money as Micah gets up. JAMIE You left. You left him and you don't get to come back. You can't have him. The Bartender takes Jamie's arm. 120.

BARTENDER All right, you're done. Get some air. Jamie watches as Micah exits the bar.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT Elfman flushes the toilet as the prattling sounds of the party reverberate through the closed door. He steps over to the sink and braces himself atop the counter for a moment of peace. His own voice speaks to him with a cutting tone. FABULOUS ELFMAN (O.S.) Well look at this discount rack outfit. Elfman looks up toward the large bathroom mirror. An animated version of his reflection stares back at him, done up in detailed drag. FABULOUS ELFMAN (cont'd) Aren't you a Penny Dreadful. ELFMAN Its a tight economy. FABULOUS ELFMAN But those pants are loose. You have a gym membership and you don't even use it to meet guys. Show a little something. ELFMAN I own other clothes. I just happened to wear these to work. FABULOUS ELFMAN Wearing them is work. What are you doing in here? 121.

ELFMAN Seeking shelter from the 21st century. You know, a lot of these people were born via text. FABULOUS ELFMAN Unclear on the process but go on. ELFMAN Everybody's drunk to create the illusion that its the alcohol when its actually the outfits that dictate what they drink. PBR for the hipsters, micro- brews for the tweeds and half- empties for the one Yoga princess. Until people stop paying attention to her, then ... Peachtree Schnapps. FABULOUS ELFMAN Didn't you come in with a drink? ELFMAN Yeah, its on the toilet. FABULOUS ELFMAN Gin and seltzer. Because queens don't like Quinine. ELFMAN But its not just about the drinks. They're all constantly speaking so that no one else can. Just repeating the same five word blog entry on the "Sublime Object Of Ideology" like they formed their own opinion. FABULOUS ELFMAN You've got that tongue-twister in your own book-of-the-moment club. 122.

ELFMAN Yeah, but I've actually read Zizek. I paraphrase him all the time. These children of the dance-dance revolution just stick it on their bookshelf for display. They're all post- structure with no pre-substance. FABULOUS ELFMAN So why are you still here? ELFMAN Kira's having some sort of a time. FABULOUS ELFMAN Ah yes, the accomplished accomplice. That little girl is too much of a straight shooter. ELFMAN That little girl is ... kind of cool. FABULOUS ELFMAN Come on Eileen, you could run ovary-sized circles around her Soph-bore intellect. ELFMAN She's actually pretty ... quite ... competent. Do you know most of her favorite bands are full sentences. FABULOUS ELFMAN That's a reach-around. She's the same stock quote as the rest of these cows. But you're blocking that out so you can focus on her mannequin spread.

ELFMAN I'm not attracted to her. I mean... not- 123.

FABULOUS ELFMAN Homo-sexually? ELFMAN No. Hanging out with her is- FABULOUS ELFMAN A research project. What does that even mean? ELFMAN Why is this so hard for everybody? I'm getting Jamie back by figuring out what he's after. FABULOUS ELFMAN He's got what he's after. ELFMAN Not yet. We're a couple. FABULOUS ELFMAN Of what? ELFMAN Perfect outsiders. FABULOUS ELFMAN From that party? ELFMAN Yes. And every party. With their sub-cultures of cliches. They never know me out there. FABULOUS ELFMAN Which is exactly how they peg you. And that might be childish but their kids. And you're not. Elfman, don't you ever worry that, with or without the make- up, we're still just a cliche? ELFMAN Maybe you should ask yourself that question. 124.

FABULOUS ELFMAN I just did. Elfman turns away from the mirror to face the bathroom door.

EXT. MASSACHUSETTS AVENUE - NIGHT Jamie walks back from Boston hunched in failure. As he takes a dejected drag, echoes of an argument overlap in his mind. JAMIE (O.S.) Well, he called you. What did he say? NICO (O.S) He asked what I saw in you. Where I thought this was going. JAMIE (O.S.) What did you tell him? NICO (O.S.) That I'm trying to keep focus.

EXT. CENTRAL SQUARE - NIGHT Jamie passes the club-going, pub-crawling public. His shoulders start to straighten as he regains confidence among his people.

JAMIE (O.S.) You're so caught up in how other people see you. NICO (O.S.) I don't want to have this argument.

JAMIE (O.S) I'm what you need. I'm your spark. I'm your drama. 125.

NICO (O.S.) All we do is fight. JAMIE (O.S.) It's a mistake not to.

INT. APARTMENT ATRIUM - NIGHT Jamie bounds up the stairs to Nico's third floor landing. He snuffs his cigarette out between fingers and whips the house-keys from his pocket. NICO (O.S.) I need to be a good mother. JAMIE (O.S.) He doesn't need a mother. He needs you. And he needs me. And he's LOOSING US BOTH. Unlocking the front door, he barges in ready for sa confrontation.

INT. NICO'S APARTMENT - LATER Jamie sits on the couch with bravado deflated. JAMIE What did you just say? Nico sits across from him in a surprising calm. NICO I wanted to be with you and I thought it was because I wanted a relationship but what I really wanted was to have sex. Well done sex. With a flexible schedule. But I'm still a mom. Linus and I need to share a relationship with someone. And it was never going to be with you. Jamie shrugs coldly as he lights up a cigarette. 126.

EXT. BACK PORCH - NIGHT Elfman has sequestered himself beneath the back porch, among the garbage cans. As he lights up a cigarette, Kira comes down to find him. ELFMAN Whenever I feel a slip of dignity or drop in self-esteem I like to light up a cigarette and go smoke- (gestures at garbage barrels) -between these. Kira ducks in and snatches a cigarette from his pack. KIRA I jut left a room of dueling ring-tones. She settles down beside Elfman, making the gesture of a cigarette lighter. Elfman obliges. KIRA (cont'd) Did you see their collage of parking tickets? It looks like a swastika. (beat of realization) You're not having a good time. Elfman looks up at the deck above their heads. Through its cracks he can see the constant movement of drunken subcultures. ELFMAN I feel like I've done this before. This whole scene playing round in my head. Its so well-rehearsed. I hit every mark.

KIRA That's because you're a grander thespian than the rest. 127.

ELFMAN No. I'm just ... older. Kira leans in an kisses Elfman on the lips. KIRA You gonna kiss me back? Elfman shakes his head slightly. Kira reels back, surprised. KIRA (cont'd) Shit. I miscalled that. Elfman shrugs apologetically. KIRA (cont'd) Aren't you drunk? Elfman offers a polite laugh. KIRA (cont'd) I'm going back inside. Elfman nods as Kira goes back to the porch.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT Elfman walks with a drunken saunter down the sidewalk.

EXT. ELFMAN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Elfman takes out his keys as he turns toward his apartment atrium. He stops in his steps as he sees Jamie sitting on his front steps. He looks wistful as Elfman offers his best patch-work smile. Jamie stumbles to his feet as the two stand a breath apart. He initiates a passionate kiss ending it by resting his closed eyes of Elfman's shoulder. Elfman's eyes remain open with sobriety. 128.

INT. ELFMAN'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Jamie lies asleep atop the couch. His hand stretches down into Elfman's willing clutch. Sitting with his back against the couch Elfman turns to look at Jamie. He struggles to keep his urges at bay, eventually turning back forward as reality begs responsibility.

INT. OFFICE - DAY Stinson pushes a cart of files down the cubicle corridor. He's stopped short as Elfman, seated atop his office chair, slides into his path. ELFMAN Look, we haven't talked in like three Netflix returns so I'm just going to say it all at once. Kira is a lot of fun. She's also a lot of young. That doesn't mean I can't like her except that I rarely like anyone and somehow I like you. Not a ton. But enough. You're like my social-light thing. STINSON Are you coming on to me? ELFMAN No. Maybe in your mid teens, but beyond that I find the thought of you and I ... really repulsive. There was only one way to hear that. Elfman reenters his cubicle. STINSON So ... that's it?

ELFMAN (With a smile) Almost. Actually, I wanted to smooth things over so I could tell you ... it worked. 129. ELFMAN (cont'd) (off Stinson's blank look) I finished my thesis. (off blank look) That you helped with the research for. (off blank look) That this had all been about. (off blank look) I'm back with Jamie. Are metaphors primarily a gay thing? STINSON That's what you wanted to tell me. ELFMAN Pretty much. STINSON How did it happen? ELFMAN With the proper lighting. In an exterior shot. Right in front of my house. (wishful) Oh, if the neighbors were voyeurs. STINSON But what changed? ELFMAN Nothing changed. That's why we have the relationship. STINSON You don't have a relationship. You don't have a healthy one, you don't have an unhealthy one, you just have the text book definition of a psychotic break. ELFMAN Where did this dashing diagnosis come from? 130.

STINSON I didn't have much to talk to my therapist about so I pretended I was you. According to her you prefer sub-cultural fantasy to actual substance. (pause) And, apparently, so do I. ELFMAN Wow. Look, I didn't expect you to understand it. I just thought you'd be happy for your friend- STINSON It'd probably be a lot of fun to be your friend and keep hanging out but I don't think you know how to do that. ELFMAN I have dozens of friends. And I'm not even on Facebook. STINSON I'm sorry Elfman, but we're just co-workers. And that's only because we share an office. ELFMAN Then why did we go to all those cafes and bars and once to an American Apparel? STINSON So you could be seen out of the apartment. You used me. And you used Kira. And now you're using Jamie. Stinson pushes his cart on, leaving Elfman to watch him exit. 131.

INT. NICO'S APARTMENT - DAY Nico, dressed in a skirt and blouse, straightens Linus's tie. NICO Don't you look all handsome. LINUS Why do I have to wear a suit? NICO So the suit can feel handsome. LINUS Is Daddy going to be in a suit? NICO Daddy. And his lawyer. LINUS You look very handsome. NICO Like mother like son. Linus, what do you think of me? LINUS Well you're like Jean Grey because you can read my mind and you're like Aunt May because we live together. And you're a good cook. Nico holds his shoulders and looks him straight in the eyes. NICO You're going to hear some things. They may not be good but that's okay. There might be some shouting and ... well, I really don't know what to expect. But you just think whatever you want to think. 132.

LINUS "Don't trust the man." NICO No, Linus. You can trust the man. If he's a good man. You father ... can be a good man. And whatever happens ... you can trust him. A tear runs down Nico's cheek. LINUS Why are you crying? NICO Because I trust you. Linus hugs her as she squeezes him tight.

INT. ELFMAN'S APARTMENT - DAY Elfman sits on the couch doing a crossword puzzle. Jamie pokes in behind him. JAMIE Let's go out right now. I want to transvest the club scene. ELFMAN Puns aren't real words. Besides I thought we'd stay in tonight. Jamie leaps on the couch playfully. JAMIE No one's going to see us here. ELFMAN Is that important to you?

JAMIE It's important to us. At least go to the bar with me. 133. JAMIE (cont'd) Then I'll keep going and you can be home by 10:00 to cry over BBC America., Jamie pulls Elfman close with a romantic kiss. Elfman smiles. ELFMAN Why didn't I try to stop loving you? JAMIE Because I hit all the marks. And you strike all the poses. And together, we're the postcard picture of the perfect couple. ELFMAN Is that why you wanted me back? JAMIE I never wanted you to go. ELFMAN Think about it. You left me and dated someone else who left you, so, that's probably why you're here. Its not romantic to use someone. JAMIE Pop psychology's got a beat everyone can dance to. ELFMAN And I used you Jamie. JAMIE Wait ... what? ELFMAN I used you to keep this going, whatever this was. JAMIE Sounds like a defense mechanism. 134.

ELFMAN Sometimes a drag queen, sometimes a scenester, and all through the guise of the perfect gay couple. But no couple is perfect. Nd some ... aren't even a couple. JAMIE God, this whole town thinks its so intellectual just because we got Kim Deal and the Liberty Bell. Elfman winces at the factual error. JAMIE (cont'd) You sound like a fucking asshole, when you talk like that. Like one of those grad school faggots whose parents pay for them to live their entire life on campus. ELFMAN We're not that far off. JAMIE Maybe you, because of that stupid Cantabrigian outfit, that tie and those pants. But I scare the fuck out of these people. And I thought you were the same way. But if you're not- ELFMAN If I'm not... JAMIE Well...if you're not...I can't be locked down. Not by gender... not by ... age- 135.

ELFMAN (chokes) I want to love you, so badly. But then I'd have to die young. Jamie's eyes glisten with a second of vulnerability, then- JAMIE Hey, I get it- ELFMAN No. Maybe someday. Until then you should just ride this right off the curb till it crashes. Because I think what they pull from that wreckage...could be a stellar individual. You have to find your place. I'll help you get started but you can't stay here. JAMIE Elfman, look. We already broke up once. ELFMAN And everybody breaks up twice. The first time's dramatic. And the second ... verifies the first. Jamie is silenced into shock. Elfman is surprisingly hopeful.

INT. NICO'S APARTMENT - DAY Nico stands in the kitchen staring into the empty room that was Linus's bedroom. There's a KNOCK at the door. She crosses into the living room and opens the door to be greeted by Mrs. Konisberg. She falls into her arms sobbing. 136.

INT. NICO'S KITCHEN - LATER Nico and Mrs. Konisberg sit at the kitchen table. They smoke with an ashtray littering between them. KONISBERG I once went twenty-seven years between cigarettes. From the day my oldest was born till the moment the last one moved out. You make the big compromises because you know how to. But its the little ones, the ones you don't want to pass on, that you always regret. NICO I tried to give Linus everything. Everything I was capable of being. KONISBERG Then he leaves with everything you gave him. Nico looks back toward Linus's empty room.

EXT. SCHOOL PLAYGROUND - DAY Its recess and Linus sits alone on the see-saw, his feet firmly on the ground. JODI, an eight year-old girl in a patch-work Batman cape, crosses over to him. JODI Why are you over here? Linus looks over to the two kids on the swing set. LINUS I don't like the swings. Kids are supposed to like the swings but I'm different. JODI How? 137.

LINUS I don't like to leave the ground. Jodi begins to examine the high end of the see-saw. JODI I do. That's why I wear a cape. Like Batman. LINUS I only read Marvel universe. Linus is lifted skyward as Jodi sits on the opposite side. LINUS (cont'd) WOAH! Linus is held up as Jodi refuses to budge. JODI (laughing) You look funny. LINUS That's because I have anxiety. JODI What's anxiety? LINUS This. Jodi takes off her cape and sits down on the lower plank. The two slowly begin see-sawing back and forth. Linus is still uncomfortable about the height. Jodi laughs again, raising her arms freely to her sides. Linus cautiously mimics her as the two teeter and totter back and forth in slow motion.

And at the outskirts of the playground, one lone CHILD watches from just beyond the gates. FADE OUT: