Substitute Culture
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SUBSTITUTE CULTURE Written by Tim Blevins Copyright (c) 2011 Final Revised Shooting Draft 2/01/11 CALAMITY HOUSE PRODUCTIONS FADE IN: EXT. PLAYGROUND - DAY A bright sunny day. ELFMAN, a fashionably bundled 32 year-old, sits alone on a see-saw. TITLE CARD: October, 2007. LIL' BARISTA, a six year old girl, pulls a radio flyer wagon up beside him. The wagon is over-stocked with stuffed animals, plastic children toys and a shiny espresso machine. LIL' BARISTA Are you waiting for something? ELFMAN For a change. LIL' BARISTA You're waiting for a change? ELFMAN (Points) For them to change. Into their elite illusions and contrived conventions. Lil' Barista follows Elfman's gesture toward the playground's populace of typical 5 year-olds. LIL' BARISTA They're kids. ELFMAN They certainly act like it. LIL' BARISTA Would you like a cappuccino? ELFMAN Double skim dry. And for here. Lil' Barista begins operating the espresso wand like a pro. 2. ELFMAN (cont'd) They're all mild-mannered members of the innocuous in- crowd waiting for some comic book call to action. Just so they can shed these secret identities and put on something even more ridiculous. Lil' Barista hands him the perfect cappuchino. ELFMAN (cont'd) Do you have any nutmeg? LIL' BARISTA I have a gummy worm. Elfman sips the drink as he ID tags the kids before him. A TOMBOY girl plays dodge-ball, a NERD waits impatiently for the swings and a PLUTONIC PAIR play in the sandbox. ELFMAN Look at that Millennial Princess, running with the boys so they'll carry her books later. There's the Tag-a-long Sidekick who thinks the movies he keeps quoting are his own jokes. And the Wonder Twins, always finishing the other's sentence. Wait until just one of you gets invited to the big birthday swaree. LIL' BARISTA What are you? ELFMAN I'm a Mutant. Shunned by the very world I've been sworn to impress. LIL' BARISTA Are you wearing make-up? 3. ELFMAN Lip gloss to make the words shine, alternating polish to show I'm amphi-dexterous and indigo eye-liner so you can see my reflection on the bus. (to her) Does it show? LIL' BARISTA Seems a little forced. ELFMAN Then its working. CUT TO: MAIN TITLES INT. ELFMAN'S APARTMENT - DAY The steady CREAK of bed springs mesh with the JANGLE of keys in the front lock. Elfman enters and begins unpacking a cloth bag of groceries. As he opens the refrigerator he becomes aware of the creaking bed springs. Searching for the source he zeroes in on a closed door off the kitchen. Leaning against the door he hears the springs now entwined with FEMALE GASPS. He tries the knob but its locked. He peeks through the key hole but still no explanation. Elfman steps away from the door returning with a well- organized tool box. The sounds of orgasm increase as he takes out a power screwdriver and proceeds to remove the screws from the door hinge. He pulls out a hammer and spatula and, with a few quick strikes, removes the bottom hinge. He does the same up top as the female gasps are joined by male grunts nearing climax. Elfman struggles to slide the door aside revealing ... 4. INT. ELFMAN'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS Elfman, still holding the spatula, stares at the bed against the wall. NICO, a 28 year-old female and JAMIE, a 26 year-old male, reach simultaneous orgasm atop the bed. As their breathing steadies, Nico lights up a nearby cigarette and notices Elfman. NICO We didn't hear you come in. She passes the cigarette to Jamie as she pulls the sheets over her body discreetly. ELFMAN I went out for groceries. That's what the person who does this kind of thing normally says. JAMIE Its not what it looks like. Although probably what it sounded like from the other side. I mean, it was an amazing piece of sex. ELFMAN Those were new sheets. And "an amazing piece of sex?" That's what you say to someone brandishing a power tool? NICO A spatula's not a power tool. ELFMAN No, but I had one in my hand earlier. Elfman crosses to the dresser and fidgets with a picture frame, unable to look back. ELFMAN (cont'd) That's our bed. 5. Jamie stands up, pulling on his boxers. JAMIE I know. And you think you'd be surprised- ELFMAN You're both lying in our bed. JAMIE -but hear me out- Elfman turns back pointing at Nico. ELFMAN With a fucking het? NICO Should I put some clothes on? JAMIE No. Elfy's fine with it. He understands. Jamie sits Elfman down between himself and Nico. ELFMAN Given the two proper stereotypes, it should have worked out. I'm six years older with the well-paying office job, you're a theater school graduate with no further aspirations for theater. JAMIE We did seem destined for San Fran. ELFMAN (Nico) And you. I always chalked you up to being- NICO A fag hag? 6. ELFMAN Exactly. So please understand if its all just a bit of an apocalyptic shock. JAMIE Nico and I found something very special together. ELFMAN What? JAMIE The simultaneous orgasm. ELFMAN (Nico) You told me that was a myth. NICO I thought so. But Jamie did some research and, turns out, it exists. JAMIE Elfy, honey, its not you. This has nothing to do with you. Well, I'm not gay anymore so it's a little about- ELFMAN How can you not be gay? JAMIE My younger sister is a lesbian in the seventh grade. Her health teacher had her make a diorama about it for the whole class. And this is in little town Connecticut. Let's face it, being gay is out. Elfman glances to Nico's supportive face. He then turns back to Jamie's equally optimistic outlook. 7. INT. QUEEN BAIT FETISH CLUB - NIGHT Its a spectacular gathering of drag queens in flashing lights tuned to the tribal beats of techno. Elfman, done proud in heels, hair and make-up, sips from an ornate cocktail glass. DOLLY LLAMA, a bearded fellow in a Princess Jasmine theme, sits beside him. They shout over the music. DOLLY LLAMA Boy-Jamie told me things were going like whiskey sours between you two. 'Least you got that queen sized apartment to your self. ELFMAN He's staying in the apartment. I'm still into him, he's still into me, he's just not into guys. DOLLY LLAMA (gesturing to speakers) Can't hear a thing. Isn't it great? Attention turns to the main stage as a Joel Grayed EMCEE speak into a microphone. EMCEE Ladies and leftovers drop your best behavior and bang your friends together for this next sack of snatch. Ms. Fuckenstein! FUCKENSTEIN, dressed "Like A Virgin" struts about the stage twirling a mylar balloon. The drunken crowd screeches their approval with the exception of Elfman. ELFMAN She's a girl. DOLLY LLAMA Probably still pop that balloon. 8. ELFMAN I'm serious. That's a real girl. They tip their heads in a thorough double-take. ELFMAN (cont'd) A female female impersonator. DOLLY LLAMA Now I've seen three things. Dolly Llama shrugs it off as Fuckenstein continues dancing. EXT. CENTRAL SQUARE - NIGHT Elfman is seated atop a fire hydrant in full drag splendor. As he breaths a cigarette, an 11 year-old KID comes up to him. ELFMAN Trouble dealing with a real Catholic abomination? A polite FATHER steps up beside his son. FATHER Sorry to bother you. He just loves fire hydrants. Father nods a good night and the two continue walking. Elfman watches them go as if he's fading into the background. INT. NICO'S APARTMENT ATRIUM - NIGHT The third floor landing of an apartment building. The hall is a yard sale's worth of clutter ranging from a discarded card table to a beat-up Big Wheel. Nico comes clattering up the stairs, drunkenly dressed to impress the raver scene. NICO Shit, shit, just hold it- 9. She fumbles through her teeny-weeny latex purse, turning it upside down as a single gum wrapper drops to the ground. NICO (cont'd) SHIT. Where are you? She drops the purse and checks her vinyl skirt only to discover- NICO (cont'd) No pockets. She looks down to see her house keys entangled on her leather boot laces. She struggles to untie them from the knot. NICO (cont'd) Come on. COME ON! She frees the keys and stands up poised to unlock the door. NICO (cont'd) Shit! Nico stops all movements as a wet stain appears on the carpet beneath her. INT. NICO'S BATHROOM - NIGHT Nico drenches her soiled pants with the shower head. She throws the front door mat atop it and shuts the shower off. The older voice of MRS. KONISBERG calls into the bathroom. KONISBERG Ms. Parks. Nico puts a towel around her waist as she exits the bathroom. 10. INT. NICO'S KITCHEN - CONTINUING Nico comes out of the bathroom to find Mrs. Konisberg, in her late fifties, standing in anticipation. NICO Mrs. Konisberg, how are you? KONISBERG I tried calling. NICO (realization) My phone. Konisberg picks it up from the counter and hands it to her. KONISBERG And then I heard it ring. NICO I just lost total track of time. (noticing barren wrist) And my watch. KONISBERG Linus is sleeping in my bed. He loves that bed.