Stand by for Tape Back-Up Ross Sutherland

PiecesStand By for Tape Back-Up Ross Sutherland

Introduction ally blown up and projected onto the back wall behind me. For the hour-long performance, I Returning to the script of Stand By for Tape play an old VHS tape belonging to my grand- Back-Up, a script that I spent nearly three years dad and tell true stories inspired by the tape. writing and then another three years perform- The tape is a patchwork of cultural artifacts, ing, the whole thing feels pretty insubstantial. made in collaboration with my granddad when I’m not talking about the usual hand-wringing I was between the ages of 7 and 12. The tape embarrassment that I project whenever I have contains two of my favorite childhood films, to present my work on the page. That’s a given. plus bits of old British quiz shows and fuzzy There’s a bigger problem here: only about half adverts from the period. It’s a powerful piece of the story is accessed through the perfor- of nostalgia for me. It’s also the four hours of mance text. The other half is hidden inside the moving image I know best on the planet. I TV set that plays continuously onstage dur- know the whole tape practically shot-for-shot. ing the performance. The energy of Stand By Part of the joy of performing Stand By is dem- for Tape Back-Up comes from the interplay onstrating my knowledge of the tape. The tape between live performance and video. Each is has always been a valuable conduit to my past, synchronized with the other to reveal hidden but along the way it transformed into some- messages. It’s a kind of duet, and the script is thing greater. It became a kind of shifting ink- only one half of the act. Looking at it today, it blot that I could use to explore my thought reads a bit like half a phone conversation — and processes. Writing poetry that synchronized I know there’s a much more interesting person with the tape helped me map the inside of my stuck on the other end of the line. brain. It revealed my innermost thoughts and I do have a partial alternative solution. dislodged buried memories. The story of Stand There is now a film version ofStand By that By for Tape Back-Up is constructed from these can be streamed freely online at standbyfor buried memories, in particular the death of my tapebackup.com. The film does not contain my grandfather and my consequent battles with live performance, just a voiceover, nevertheless depression. The hidden parts of my adult life it might be a useful resource. This script will are unlocked through my interactions with the make sense of the video, and vice versa. The tape, almost as if the VCR were some kind of duet will be reunited, image and text pulled mechanical therapist. back into sync. With that in mind, I strongly When Director Rob Watt came onboard, recommend watching the film before continu- he wanted to take this uncanny synchronic- ing on to the script that follows. ity a step further. He saw my relationship with The set for Stand By is just an old televi- the videotape as a kind of unhealthy codepen- sion, a VCR, and a chair. The TV image is usu- dency. I’ll admit there is some truth in that.

Ross Sutherland is a poet and playwright from Edinburgh. Stand By for Tape Back-Up was shortlisted for the Art Foundation Award for spoken word. The play was then adapted to film in 2015, winning the Grand Jury Prize for Experimental Film at BAFICI in Argentina. He is a regular contributor to Short Cuts on BBC Radio 4 and host of the experimental storytelling podcast, Imaginary Advice. His new play, Party Trap, is a single hour-long dramatic palindrome. It debuted at Shoreditch Town Hall in October 2016. [email protected]

Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28 September 2021 Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28September 2021 108 Ross Sutherland vouch forthis. Itdoesn’t matterwhoisin front who haseverbeeninapubfull of TV setscan information overauditoryinformation. Anyone chronicity betweenthetwo? taneously, andrecognizethe momentsofsyn- an audiencetotakeinbothnarrativessimul- tives couldworktogether. Was itpossiblefor visual. Iwasinterestedinhowthesetwonarra- simultaneously: onespoken, theotherentirely two independentnarrativesoccurringonstage tion. Initially, Iwantedtoexploretheideaof out ofaslowprocessformalexperimenta- not thereyet. the showaltogether. I’mclose, althoughI’m repetition-compulsion istostopperforming know fullwellthattheonlywaytobreakthis three yearsofperforming, itbecamelessso. I again. Once, thisprocesswascathartic. After to thestart, soIcandothewholethingallover sis. The finalthingIdoisrewindthetapeback of necessity, StandBybecameastoryaboutsta- lesson alloveragain. Sointheend, almostout before yougetonstage, youhavetoforgetthat learn orgrow, becausethefollowingnight moment attheendwhereyouasstoryteller onstage everynight, youcan’t reallyhavea us. However, whenyou’retellingatruestory even ifthoseroutinesareslowlydestroying memory/nostalgia trapusinsideroutines, and changeoverthecourseofhour. put riskbackintotheplay, forcingmetoadapt sense likeanidiot. Through thesemethodswe articulate thestory, leavingmebabblingnon- manipulated soitwasimpossibleformeto floor. Thefinalminutesofthissectionwere of itI’musuallyred-faced, wheezingonthe ten tobebeyondmylungcapacity. Bytheend section towardstheendwasintentionallywrit- these questionsinthesecondhalfofplay. A when theideologyfails?” We triedtoaddress this relationshipbreaksdown? What happens my feelings. it asawritingtoolhelpedmecontrolandshape dominion overatinypatchofmyworld. Using gave mebacksomesenseofcontrol. Iregained nected fromtheworld. Memorizingthetape During mydepressionIfelthopelesslydiscon- Our brainsaredesignedtoprioritize visual I arrivedatthestorybyaccident. Itevolved The endofStandByisabouthowwelet Rob wantedtoknow: “What happenswhen replaced itwith adigitalcopyofthevideotape, remote wasnotreliableenough forthejob. I fast-forwarding ofthevideotape. An infrared split-second controlovertherewinding and actual VHS usedonstageisaprop. Irequired a paranoiac. in itsgrooves. It’s frighteninglyeasytobecome enough andyou’llseeyourwholelifehidden triggered changed, butthenewfootagewouldstillhave age hadbeendifferent, thestorieswouldhave am asshockedanyone. Truth is, ifthefoot- domly selectedpieceofvideo. Believeme, I draw somuchpersonalmaterialfromaran- is incrediblyunlikelythatIwouldbeableto stand wherethesequestionscomefrom. It part ofanextendedfiction. Icompletelyunder or whethertheentirestory, tapeandall, are could havepossiblyanticipated. buried confessions. ItwasmorecatharticthanI to write, Ihadaccidentallyreleasedaseriesof depression. Somehow, bymakingitsodifficult my lategrandfather, aboutgriefandmy tively actingoutmystory. had finished, itfeltasif Will Smith was figura- shot-for-shot withthefootage. BythetimeI bursts, Islowlywroteatextthatsynchronized theme. Watching thefootageinsecond-long line lengthorrhymescheme, butbytimeand became apoeticformofsorts, notmarkedby own purposes. The creditsoftheFresh Prince of emptysymbolsthatIcouldrecycleformy background ofthemind, reducedtoaseries mation remainedonscreenwouldfadeintothe familiar withitsshape. Whatever visualinfor unfamiliar withtheclipwouldquicklybecome was looped, soeventhoseaudiencemembers circulating onBritishtelevision. The footage among themostwell-knownminuteoffootage Prince ofBel-Air, whichIreasonedmustbe decided tousetheopeningcreditsofTheFresh shot, ifatallpossible. Formyfirstexercise, I ence wouldalreadyknowintimately. Shot-for- something popular, somethingthatanaudi- I knewthatthevisualsourcewouldhavetobe ple; it’s justhowbrainsprioritizeinformation. to thescreenincorner. We’re notbadpeo- etc.), you’llstillfindyoureyesbeingdragged of you(long-lostbestfriend, estrangedparent, However, Iwilladmitonefabrication. The People oftenaskmeifthevideotapeisreal, It wasasurprisetofindmyselfwritingabout something. Stare atanythingforlong - - Stand By for Tape Back-Up 109 - But... what if...? Just what if...? What if all What if what if...? Just what if...? But... nected, infinite, eternal. Our metaphors have Our metaphors have eternal. infinite, nected, No along with our technology. been updated of mind inaccurate the comparison matter how be impossible it might may be, and computer our revival of it Even the clock. to turn back to be a digi- production turned out inside this tal illusion. ...then sat back on your beanbag (it’s usually ...then sat back on your beanbag (it’s a beanbag) as both of those artworks played har through together finding this new strange mony with one another. this If you’ve ever experienced something like in any shape or form... you will at some point, Then I guarantee, I know this “OK, have said to yourself, a must be a coincidence! It must be! I’m not fucking idiot — (Beat.) “— these coincidences...happened specifically- deliberately-on-purpose?” This phenomenon...it happens to all of us. as a species... Human beings, the point. That’s we are fundamentally designed to see patterns... even where no pattern exists. It has a faux- another videotape. (ROSS retrieves an old Bible.) leather box that looks like This tape here is my own version of that madness. to I’ve come Over the last couple of years, think of this tape as my own personal church. - the same experiment students —

Dark Dark of Oz and Pink Floyd’s Wizard The

The human mind used to be compared to mind used to be compared The human mation, the human brain is so efficient that mation, sometimes we can see patterns inside things that turn out to be completely random. I probably already noticed this yourself. You’ve everybody has. know you have, you learn a new word... one time, Maybe, despite having and then for the next 24 hours, that never heard that word before you now see the on billboards, Written word everywhere. etc. in magazines, sides of buses, your part- you break up with one time, Maybe, Then that night you End of a relationship. ner. hear turn on the radio...only to come home, somehow directly ref- every single song is now, Almost erencing the details of your breakup... as if every single one of those songs was written solely to torment you. it away.) VHS tape and boxes (ROSS ejects the you even carried out a lit- one time, Maybe, tle experiment have been doing since the late 1970s where you took Side of the Moon and started them at exactly the same time... (ROSS stops the video. Music also stops.) (ROSS stops the video. infor When it comes to collecting and sorting Stand By for Tape Back-Up Stand By for Tape Production Credits and performed by Ross Sutherland Written Watt Directed by Rob Corrall Set Designed by Nik Sound Design by Ross Sutherland Tell Produced by Show & at Dark Side of the Moon plays Pink Floyd’s of Oz. Wizard The playing TV combo, VCR and (Preset: wall TV set is also projected onto the back on the The image with the footage. synchronized the same time, wires, checking as the audience enters, ROSS is onstage an empty chair. TV unit, the Facing of the stage. connections.) magnetic tape: something fragile, rewritable, rewritable, something fragile, magnetic tape: the mind is com- These days, and degrading. something intercon- pared to a computer: then went to great technical lengths to hide to great technical lengths then went but the tech- true, the stories are So, that fact. is a lie. of the performance nical presentation Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28 September 2021 Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28September 2021 110 Ross Sutherland Almost everysingle partofmypersonal- You see, prettymuchevery aspectofmylife... slow motion.) (ROSS hitsabuttonthatdropsthe videointo Yes. It’s Ghostbusters. Murray beingslimed.) It startsinthemiddleofGhostbusters —Bill VCR. Heretrieves aremote controlandhitsPLAY. (ROSS ceremoniously pushesthetapeinto And nowI’mgoingtoshowityou. found it, aboutthreeyearsago. me At thatpoint, thisvideotape, itpassedto lowed in2007. My grandmadiedin2005. Mygranddadfol- they died. parents, onceuponatime. Iinheriteditafter This tapeoriginallybelongedtomygrand- that Iturnto. commune withtheunknown...thisisplace want togolookingforclues, whenIwantto look beneaththesurfaceforpatterns, whenI What Imeanbythatis...wheneverwantto Sutherland inStandByforTape Back-Up,August2014,Summerhall,Edinburgh.(PhotobyPaulBlakemore) Figure 1.BillMurraygetsslimedinslow-motion.“Ghostbustersisnotacomedywhenyou’refour.” Ross — ended upinmyloft. Which iswhereI your face. room...waiting forghoststocome screamingat You’re justatinychildsittingin apitch-black You don’t evenknowwhata “Bill Murray” is! with therole... At thatage you know, appreciate BillMurray’s playfulness Because youcan’t enjoyanyofthe dialogueor, Ghostbusters isnotacomedywhenyou’refour. because Iwasabsolutelyfuckingterrified. Ghostbusters sovividly... This mightexplainwhyIcanremember years old. first tookmetoseethisfilmIwasonlyfour Which meansinactualfactwhenmygranddad the cinemain1984. that inactualfactGhostbusters firstcameoutin some research, right...and Wikipedia tellsme I wasaboutsevenoreightyearsold, butIdid I thoughtthatI’dfirstseenGhostbusters when see it. was mygranddad, infact, whofirsttookmeto Now, IfirstsawGhostbusters atthecinema. It to ity atsomepointorother...it allcomesback Ghostbusters. — you can’t even... Stand By for Tape Back-Up 111 - fingers) fingers) (snaps — it’s out there. it’s However, I do genuinely believe that hidden on believe that I do genuinely However, entire life story. is essentially my this videotape into the cor to put all the bits back I just need I go through every time know, You rect order. that I get a little further through this ritual on the tape will be a new scene There maze. Something that noticed before. that I hadn’t slots perfectly into place... to see my entire life on One day I am going that screen. to probably not going Spoiler alert: it’s be today. this ritual at least I’ve already been through think there are a few more And...I 300 times. attempts still to go. face, is now frozen on Bill Murray’s (The screen mid-scream.) didn’t The last time that I saw my granddad he know who I was. him There were things that I wanted to say to that I left too late. difficult to say that. And...it’s so hard to I think one of the reasons that it’s like say that stuff out loud is because it sounds It sounds like the kind of thing you’re a cliché. you’re And if supposed to say about the dead. going to blame something for that then you right? should blame television, Think about it TV shows us people dying and people grieving about TV throws a funeral at us all the time. dress spend our entire lives in We once a week. and then when it happens to us in rehearsal, - real life...when someone we care about actu feel... ally dies...the whole thing can just start to strangely unreal. When I try to picture in my head being I immedi- the death of a loved one, informed of ately start to piece it together from things I’ve TV that tells me what It’s seen on television. that scene is supposed to look like... tearing up.) to over-act, (ROSS begins Like...someone turning to you in slow motion, better take a seat...” “You saying, for now spinning as you’re waiting head, Your sudden a of Then...all name... that

anticipate the film. I could see what was coming anticipate the film. I began to synchronize with surely Slowly, next. scare me any more. until it didn’t Ghostbusters the next time that I came up to years later, Two my grand- grandparents, Edinburgh to visit my And when VCR. dad had just bought his first what film would “Ross, my granddad asked me, I told you like to record off the television?” .” I want...Ghostbusters “granddad, him, I had unfinished business with that film. that’s (I mean, And that is how this tape began. What I mean is, how the tape always begins.) was the first element recorded onto Ghostbusters you, The same tape I’m showing this videotape. right here right now. - this is a ritual that me and my grand Now, my parents repeated every single summer of I would travel up from Essex to childhood. record Edinburgh to visit my grandparents, then at something new onto the videotape...and back down again. come the end of the summer, he would also use this same And my granddad, videotape in my absence for anything that he wanted to record! Usually taping over the things that I had wanted to record! know why there was only one videotape I don’t Perhaps we thought we were only in my family. one videotape? It was new technology allowed knew how to think any of us really and I don’t use it at the time. that when you know Another thing: we didn’t recorded something you were supposed to line up the end of one program with the start Whenever we wanted to record of the next. something we just slammed in the tape and hit record. So as you can imagine over the course of its the contents of this tape have become... life, they’re complicated. Now, maybe 1984 was a bad summer. Maybe Maybe summer. 1984 was a bad maybe Now, my granddad just maybe day, it rained every to do with a four-year- know what else didn’t reason my his care...but for whatever old left in to the cin- to take me back granddad decided for five days every day Ghostbusters ema to see in a row. because it remains one And yet (and I say this the more times I saw of my earliest memories) the less scary it became. Ghostbusters was able to each new successive viewing I With Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28 September 2021 Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28September 2021 112 Ross Sutherland These routinesofgrief, they’re thingsthatI’ve I justwantyoutorecognizethe factthatI’ve You seeI’mnottryingtoplayagamewithyou isn’t completelyconvincing. OK Iknowmyacting I trytomakeaword, butIcan’t. And forasecond And thensuddenly My headspinning, asI’mwaitingfor “You bettertakeaseat.” — dialogue, synchronizing hiswords withtheshots.) soundtrack. ROSSrepeats thelastminuteof of Bel-Air. A droningmusicplays over the TV muted openingcredits of (Paused VHS startsupagain. Tape fuzzesinto was abitlike So, whenIheardthatmygranddadhaddiedit work offiction... to lookupon The Kingdomistolookupona death. Deathhasnoshape, justasmell. And Because thetruthis, wecan’t takephotosof place offscreenwhereafreshscriptiswaiting. has taughtme. Ittransportsme, forafee, toa follow me, issomethingthatIthinkHollywood family. OfcourseIfeltsick. Butsickness, ifyou TV. Notthewisdomimpartedonmebymy when Iheardthatmygranddadhaddiedwas The firstthingthatwentthroughmyhead just posturing. you either. Forme, thisisnotaboutpain, And I’mnottryingtoscorepointsagainst and memorized. grief, they’rethingsthatIthinkI’vegoneaway practiced. All thesekindsofroutinesaround want youtorecognizethefactthat...I’ve not tryingtoplayagamewithyouhere. I just It’s just...IwantyouguystoknowthatI’m convincing... Look, Iknowmyactingisn’t particularly natural voice.) (ROSS dropsthemelodramatic tone, returnstohis You trytomakeaword, butyoucan’t... And forasecond, you’reblind. And ithurts. someone turninginslowmotion: memorized. practiced. here. that name, — — — I’m blind. Ithurts. it’s outthere. The FreshPrince credits andplays itagain.) (ROSS rewinds thetapetobeginning ofthe put himinthatIcandefine. Then Ihavetobuildaplace Because ifI’mgonnaseehimlater, to thegatesofaworldthatisn’t mine? Why leadmygranddad to someoneelse’s heaven? fervent withdirections with openpalmandtokens, Well, whygreettheboatman Really. “Don’t worry:he’s gonetoabetterplace...” but thestorycarrieson: Both leadtoabrokenneck, Both havesongsthatputyouonyourfeet I can’t say “heaven” withoutsoundinglikea is tolookuponafiction. And tolookupon The Kingdom Death hasnoshape, justasmell. But thetruthis, wecan’t takephotosof death. where afreshscriptiswaiting. It transportsme, forafee, toaplaceoffscreen Is somethingthatHollywoodhastaughtme. Caught betweenthestoryofheroand (It’s justhowwemarkedourterritory.) Born andraisedasadribbler Always tryingtospeakthecamera. begged thecityforanotherday. F’d ourwayintocustody, those wordsontohighwalls. And we’vesprayed the deadgetaguidebook. Ever sincethePharaohs, Now youbelongtothelibrary. Sleep Tight SweetPrince, blood rushingintothehead A goldkeyturninginalock, and plays itagain.) (ROSS rewinds tape tothebeginning ofthecredits And yes, Ifeltsick. Butsickness, ifyoufollow not thewisdomimpartedbymyfamily. when Ihearthatmygranddadhasdied, That’s thefirstthingthatrunsaroundmy head It’s notthepain, buttheposturing. And I’mnottryingtoscorepoints! victim. tool. me, Stand By for Tape Back-Up 113 Philadelphia palatial paradise actualized. Prince of Bel-Air The Fresh ? Twilight Zone over. the paradise he desires. traced straight out of the Renaissance, forgotten possible. who responds by forcing Will to leave Will by forcing who responds to a residential community and relocate Angeles of Los Westside of the in the hills his relatives. to live with into a is transported Will Suddenly whim can be where even his slightest to heaven! died...and gone It is almost as if he’s of the the beginning the tape to (ROSS rewinds it again.) and plays credits whether or not And who are we to say A kind-of hip hop that? exactly isn’t What if Will was killed on that basketball court? rudely interrupted... A teenage rebellion, this courtyard, never left Will his body held in its golden ratios... And yet his spirit played on, searching for something beyond the hoop... where the story gets dark. But here’s struggle with the system is far from Will’s For meets Will For it turns out that the God is not the God he believes in. of heaven. must suffer the trauma Will And Will incapable of granting A hegemonic state, Now trapped in a sterile vision of happiness do but gird his senses Will what can and begin to rebuild a new Philadelphia in Heaven... right here, somehow reconstructing his entire life inside the very mind of God. of the the tape to the beginning (ROSS rewinds it again.) and plays credits, And when I imagine my granddad night after night sitting there, Prince of Bel-Air, The Fresh watching I feel connected to him in ways I’d I know it sounds stupid,

wrote me. too. hardened, first time. projects. local street gang head — an act And recreate the reasons that you wrote them, that you wrote them, And recreate the reasons before the world I want to picture you move like I did. back when you could One dance on your slippers it... for every time I missed angel. And I’ll fight off every I’ll pull the plug on heaven, let it gurgle down the drain, I’ll hide you in stories that grandma told when I was sick. Who cares about truth? Her license was to entertain... forgetting my age, for a moment, And so, if I could find a single point in time until I die... that I could loop you in, then I choose four years old, outside the Odeon on South Clark Street. Both of us about to see a ghost for the of the the tape to the beginning (ROSS rewinds it again.) and plays credits it turns out that my granddad So, Prince of Bel-Air. was a massive fan of The Fresh As far as I can work out at least, one of the last entries onto the tape. it’s all are know how familiar you I don’t with the narrative arc of the show... Smith Will It features the actor Smith Will who plays a character called who gets brought up in the Philadelphia a chance encounter one day with a There’s quickly that escalates really around another man’s spinning Will into that greatly disappointments his mother So if you’re willing, take a minute willing, So if you’re there... and sit right me to sleep in. that he used to rock on the chair where my dreams The chair by the television, were replaced time same channel. always same recreate every letter that you granddad, Please, Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28 September 2021 Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28September 2021 114 Ross Sutherland Edinburgh. (PhotobyPaulBlakemore) the deadgetaguidebook.”RossSutherlandinStandByforTape Back-Up,August2014,Summerhall, Figure 2.TheFreshPrincereconnectsSutherlandtohisdeadgrandfather:“EversincethePharaohs, I canfollowmygranddad and withhisdirection, as heleaveshisearthlyworldbehind, All IhavetodoisfollowthePrince It’s simple, really. coded intothebackground. A secretmessage hidden inthewhirlwind. I mighthearavoice But ifI’mlucky If Imessedup, what’s theworstthat He coulddothehardworkforme. I’d lettheFreshPrincetellmewhattosay. A techniqueIcouldplayaroundwith. So I mightjustsaysomethingaboutthemeaning if Iwroteaboutthatbrickwall But Ithoughtperhaps But ifyoutrytowriteaboutdeath — could happen? of death. you’ll justendupstaringatabrickwall. I developedagame. Now you’repartoftheteam. Doomedforever see it’s not whatitseems...” Learn theroutine: “Point atF, pretendto clean, Trace wheretheghostshavebeen... Cross beams, repeatthescene... It’s scary, right? All donewithlight. The ghostscan’t leavethe screen. Lesson One:lightsoff. Don’t speak. Don’t The titleslidelikeawhiteboardsqueak Four yearsoldinafront-rowseat. credits andplays itagain. This verse israpped.) (ROSS rewinds thetapetobeginning ofthe As... As... I’ll evensitonthethrone, as... I’ll lookforpeaceanywhere, So whenitcomestoDeath, I’m anatheistatbest. Now, mygranddadwasone-quarterBuddhist, into thelight. beyond thegrave, scream. Stand By for Tape Back-Up 115 what’s going on... what’s The Crystal Maze) KATHLEEN: Well, let’s get up and find out find out get up and let’s Well, KATHLEEN: mansion The Crystal Maze? electricity: that we do. more rooms in... to get oneself trapped The Crystal: Maze of embarrassment, sprawling ’90s labyrinth surface of the videotape running beneath the like a subliminal message. a puzzle room. trying to solve shows a woman (Tape a battery connected her to wire The room requires synchronize words ROSS’s As before, to a doorbell. with the footage.) As each of us approaches death, will everything in life begin to resemble end for us? Is this how it will I wonder. Shuffling about in our pajamas... Flustered by household objects... in a room Trapped with a bunch of meaningless symbols whilst morons yell incomprehensible advice? Here we are “Industrial Zone” inside the trying to solve a simple puzzle involving wires. Two battery terminals. Two All the contestant has to do is connect them up. right? Simple, Surely even a dying monkey could solve a puzzle this pant-wettingly simple. is one of perspective. I believe, The problem, perspective: because this lady Visual camera angles have access to the same doesn’t more importantly But also, the problem is perspective of time. The human brain is so terrible at judging time under stress I’ve never seen how Will gets out of this room. Will seen how I’ve never good at offering solutions. very The tape isn’t 2... 3, 4, we get 5, Instead, cuts into an episode of the quiz out, fuzzes (Tape show, we get this... Instead, basement of the Bel-Air Lurking beneath the

under a table, hugging a teddy bear... I under a table, hugging a teddy bear... am not fine! taught me how to play. That’s why I That’s taught me how to play. took up basketball... me feel a little better. out of Blackula. up in here and died. probably round here somewhere...

WILL SMITH: I’m a grown man, sitting VIVIAN: Fine, Phillip let’s go — VIVIAN: Fine, Phillip let’s WILL SMITH: Earthquake!!!! WILL SMITH: My mom gave me this. She WILL SMITH: My mom gave me this. She WILL SMITH: I come down here...it makes WILL SMITH: I come down here...it makes my mitt at? Ah! Here it is... Where’s WILL SMITH: Man this door like straight WILL SMITH: Man this door like straight It looks like the ’70s crawled KATHLEEN: lips J.J. Walker’s WILL SMITH: Yeah, some tickets from Phil’s office... some tickets from Phil’s basement. spooked, Will immediately begins to regress. Will When all of a sudden the ground begins to shake. happening... to explain what’s Will Cut back to OK, meanwhile, Phil and Viv are picking up Viv Phil and meanwhile, OK, I still don’t get this joke: I still don’t Alright, so, Will’s about to go on a date. Will’s so, Alright, he needs something from the Before he goes, which brings me to Lesson Two: me to Lesson which brings never get old. so we turn back, see the clock afraid of no ghost,” ain’t “I And just like, on time, Right we’ll never get old. you and I. we’ll always stay fresh, death is a door, Grandfather to grandson: a revolving one. we’ll meet enough, And if you push hard side of the screen. somewhere on the other a curse And perhaps it’s to save your goodbyes Then again know. ...I don’t the price... But maybe that’s of stepping in the same river twice. (The video continues into the opening scene of ) The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. to repeat these moves. Caught in a loop, Caught moves. to repeat these to lose... a game that we’re destined trapped in locals are The time? Noooh! Maybe this Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28 September 2021 Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28September 2021 116 Ross Sutherland she’s neveronceunderstoodwhy But this ladyhasdoneexactlywhatherteammates all thewaythroughthisgame Now, yousee when wetendtomakemistakes. And thosearethemoments the mindandbodyworkagainsteachother. but it’s mostlyamentalone: And perspectiveispartlyaphysicalgame Yes, perspectiveiswhyshefails. that itbecomesalmostimpossibletostop. Leaving ussoengrossedinthetaskathand and inthisversion, time...doesnotexistat all. there isanotherversionofreality, However, paralleltothat and trapsusinsidethisnightmareforever. before thedoorslamsshut We constantly feelliketherearemereseconds time isalwaysrunningoutforus. In thefirstversionofreality, between twocompetingversionsofreality. being bufferedbackandforth that weoftenfindourselves Aided withtheadvicefromher teammates But don’t worry, aplanisforming. Richard O’Brienpuncheshismonitor and Whilst Sandraplayswithagiant buttononthe like childrenwatchinganantdrown. Outside, therestofherteammatesgoadher on Sandra usesthewireasamagicwand...nothing. What doesitallmean? This junkyardMagritte Sandra grabswire...and...nut. Looksperplexed. magnified 100timestheirnaturalsize. into achamberfilledwithobjects OK, so, enterSandra game andplays itagain.) (ROSS rewinds the tapetobeginning ofthe Let’s watchagaininalittlemoredetail... if youhaven’t seenexactlywhyshefailed. And it’s OK And that’s whyshedoesn’t winthecrystal. have toldhertodo. left ontheclock appears toleave. floor, seems impenetrable. it. shewasdoing At onepointintime, Bells havehadmanydifferent functions but technically, that’s whatit’s supposed to be. Granted, itdoesn’t lookmuchlikeadoorbell, Sandra, ifyoucanhearus, ringthebell... People, joinhands... Come back. No, Sandra. game andplays itagain.) (ROSS rewinds thetapetobeginning ofthe I can’t dothis...I’mcoming out!” but that’s justameaninglessdecorativeobject. You’ve justgottoringthebell. Justringthe “Sandra! Sandra! You’ve doneitSandra! Her teammates, meanwhile, areoutsideatthe Why isstillnothinghappening? her face, nowsuddenlychildlike:whyis One motion, that’s allsheis! That’s all In momentslikethis, everythingseems the worldunfurlingbeneathherlikea diagram. Man andmachine, nowlockedtogetherinan like acongalinethoughrevolvingdoor... the solution, glowinginherhandslikeaCup- assistant managerattheChelmsfordPitchand Sandra Flack:second-yearChiropodystudent, This isit:thetimehascomeforSandra Flack. possibly wizardswhocanseethefuture. who areclearlyallMENSA-rankinggeniuses, Thank godforherteammates so shecanuseittoclimbupthetopof Sandra movesthematchboxovertoother I mean, there’s abuttononthefloor...that leads There isn’t abellinhere. Where’s thebell? Sandra’s going, “What areyoutalkingabout? “Every toolhasaprecisepurpose...andIam over theyears. to aboxonthewall... bell, Sandra!” door, shouting, nothing happening? just suchatool,” thinksSandra, anybody is! to accelerate... endless dance, a-Soup inthebreakroom, Putt, battery. side oftheroom Stand By for Tape Back-Up 117 on the TV. hear: the tears. 18th dynasty) But seeing that I looked a little uneasy, But seeing that I looked like they could still he talked to the mummies in years...” seen you George! I haven’t “Alright TV. He made it like the I held back He gave them a story...and I can still remember him Do you know, lifting me up to look into the crypt Amenhotep (second pharaoh of the of And my granddad saying, Ross...this is gonna be me.” “Soon, a few things And there’s that I thought that might mean... One: that time does not run straight like an arrow but instead like a boomerang it doubles back around somehow. so lives repeat, my granddad could be here with me, Thus, then go on to reign in 1500 BC. Or two: that time does not run at all. The clock stays still, us that move around. and it’s Our face tells the time, every lie. older with every smile, Whether covered in gold or otherwise, everybody dies. Let me tighten up this point a little bit... until it feels like the pain in my chest. TV.) next to the to the empty chair (Addressed This was the one time you spoke about death. why I talk That’s Still... for the bell... we listen out of the the tape to the beginning (ROSS rewinds it again.) and plays game body time I ever saw a dead The first of Scotland. was in the National Museum My granddad took me wonders of ancient Egypt: to this exhibit on the full of foreboding sarcophagi, cryptic symbols. and tombs covered in we saw bodies all the time My granddad and I, that’s her team at that’s — that can be Richard — existing between both worlds... —

We know that. We

O’Brien was real: the door. bell” Sandra — she’s our spirit. Plus he has the jacket. over the course of the séance, Now, which would usually last several hours, the medium would lead his or her guests through a series of increasingly complex cons to convince them that the visiting spirit plates would spin around; spoons would bend; hair would stand on end. And more often than not all of these cons were controlled through the power of electricity, home electrics being a relatively new invention back in the 19-teens and indistinguishable to most from the world of magic. we know these days, Now of course, that if we go to a séance “entertainment purposes only.” we do it for Right? And if we play the game we do it without want of prizes. we’re never surprised That way, when nothing materializes. dead! speak to the Of course we can’t can shout questions, We we can scream their name HEAR ME SANDRA? YOU ...CAN No. know these attempts will fail. We And the medium in the middle of a large room in the middle reach. way out of everyone’s questions Then they would ask of the spirit questions who would answer those ...by ringing a bell. that just assume for a second let’s Now, And the rest of the séance they were even once used to contact the dead.even once used to contact they were together people would come A group of guidance of a medium under the “spirit known as a place a small bell, who would Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28 September 2021 Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28September 2021 118 (Photo byPaulBlakemore) in Figure 3.“Theclockstaysstill.It’s usthatmovearound.”Ross Sutherland Ross Sutherland Stand ByforTape Back-Up,August2014,Summerhall,Edinburgh. (ROSS stopsthetapeagain. The screen isstill blue.) technology. This ishowwedoflashbacks on analogue Rewind... left outthefirsttime round. the tapecamebackintomypossessionthatI ble-back. There’s someinformationabouthow Before Igoanyfurtherforward, Ineedtodou- just abluescreen.) (ROSS begins torewind thetape. There’s noimage, I canpushitmyselfwheneverwant. I don’t needtowaitforhim topushthebutton. with me. as longIhavethistape...itfeelsifhe’s still And, doyouknowwhat?Igenuinelyfeelthat in crying. There isnopoint. Nopointwhatsoever (Beat.) (Stops VCR. The screen goes blue.) I’ve beenwaitingforthatbellallmylife. See, I’ve... waiting forpermissiontocry. Stood byyourside, It’s tomakeupforearliertimes. as ifyouarestillhere. my host’s newkittens. out thesofabedIhadbeenscratched byoneof Now, earlierthatevening whenIwasputting also gonebrightpink, and...kind of...lumpy. I takeoffmy T-shirt andIseethat my bodyhas and Icanseethatmyfacehasgonebrightpink. and Ilookatmyreflectioninthemirror... any difference. SoIgetup. Iturnthelighton I takemyasthmainhaler, but itdoesn’t make have asthma. And I’mnostrangertothatsound. BecauseI going crazyforme. It soundsabitlikestadiumfullofpeople, all It kindasoundsabitlike... (Rasps.) the soundofmyownbreathing. this strangesound...Itactuallyturnsouttobe I’m tryingtosleep, whenIbecomeawareof So I’mlyinginmyfriend’s spareroom. It’s late. put meupinherspareroom. rather thangetthelasttrainbackhomeshecan At theendofnight, myfriendsaystome friend ofmine. month afterthatIwasinNorwich, visitinga Second thingthathappenstome:abouta reformatted. all beencorruptedandthenconsequently All recordofmyfriends, myfamily much norecordofmylifefrompre-2010. situation whereIhadpretty ing Ifoundmyselfinthisstrange photographs andallmyoldwrit- all myoldmusicand drive crashendeduptakingout Physical stuff. Sowhenahard- a tremendousamountofstuff. adult lifeIhaven’t accumulated moved housemostyearsofmy Now, assomeonewhohas computer. I hadahard-drivecrashonmy Shortly afterfindingthetape, happened — move on. Firstotherthingthat both ofthembeforewecan and Ineedtotellyouabout things happenedtomethatyear, in myloft2010. Two other I rediscoveredthevideotape — they’d Stand By for Tape Back-Up 119 fact, official doctor’s orders. official doctor’s fact, whatsoever.” work, times before. hours (days, if necessary) hours (days, times over. your illness. comes two whole weeks I’d been advised by my doctor post–asthma attack to stay indoors for as long as I possibly could. he said. go outside,” “Don’t Do no attempt anything strenuous. “Don’t TV.” “and watch he said, “Sit on the couch,” as I mentioned, Now, I have been through these cycles many many And that means that I also know what tends to come next... Next after the asthma attack and the self-imposed house arrest that follows, comes the slow inevitable slide into depression... of doing nothing but sitting on my couch and watching television. right? terrible, I know, in But you have to understand that these were, until your airways close up entirely. until your Now I was a little boy. I’ve had asthma since these routines many many I have been through learn to anticipate you can Over time, coming next. can learn what’s You you can synchronize with it surely, Slowly, scare you anymore. Until it doesn’t The paramedic arrives of minutes and it only takes a matter to restore my breathing completely to normal. But then — The screen the video image. (ROSS fast-forwards Then Smith and Crystal Maze. Will strobes past morningThe video continues with a he hits PLAY. TV studio interview.) — if you can find a way if you can fear from the equation to remove attack for drag out an asthma then you can — Ghostbusters scene.)

condition. faster. You’re going to bring the asthma attack along You’re But... And as any asthmatic will tell you when the situation gets as bad as this, the best thing you can do is just try not to panic. your you’re going to exacerbate If you panic, rather than just go to the bedroom next to rather than just go to the bedroom next to - mine and just wake up the friend I was stay ing with. bring I just couldn’t I was just so embarrassed. I have no this day, Still to myself to wake her. idea what I was supposed to say: knock. Knock, been but...I’ve Sorry to wake you, “Um... scratched by your kitten...and I’m dying.” say that. I can’t I decide to crawl out the front door. So, - In retrospect this does strike me as a quintes sentially British dilemma. I’m lying I get to the end of the street. Anyway, I’m shivering and wheezing... on the ground, returns to the It on the video. (ROSS hits PLAY slow-motion And now I can see that the puncture wound the can see that the puncture And now I grown into left in my side has now kitten had chest. huge lashes across my these three by a much big- I’ve been attacked It looks like kitten. threat than...than a more credible ger, up by this point. I’m having trouble standing need an ambulance rela- I know I’m going to I’ve got this.” OK, “It’s But I think, tively soon. call an is that I can’t The biggest problem my address and ambulance without knowing my friend lives. I’ve got no idea where in logical course of action, So I decide the most is to crawl... I am, order to find out where of the house ...out the front door the road ...crawl to the end of ...so I can see a road-sign and then call an ambulance from there Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28 September 2021 Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28September 2021 120 Ross Sutherland because and listentooldmusic that Iwouldbegintolookatoldphotographs in thecycleofmyhealth Now thisisusuallythepoint into monthsandmonths. and theseweeksofrecoverycouldspiral that Imightdisconnectfrommyselfentirely there’s asmallchance If Idon’t fightbackagainstmydepression without anyideawhatthosesymbols and seenothingbut “symbols” and lookoutofmywindow I willwakeuponeday that thetornadomightswallowmewhole. Then there’s asmallchance And ifIdon’t fightbackagainstmy for metofullycomprehend... each onemovingtooquickly my lifedetachingintomeaninglessfragments, to mergetogether, The daysaregoingtobegin I knowthatit’s goingtohappen: (The videofuzzesintostatic.) (well aboutonceamonthasit happens) to usethevideotapemedicinally, regularly And soIstart It makesmefeelnormalagain. through thescreen. and thensendingthembacktome Packaging togethermyemotions and lockingthemintoitscore. Absorbing allmyscatteredthoughts The videotapebeginstoregulatemy madness. in awaylikeI’veneverseenitbefore. the pastopensuptome And asIwatchit, — A tamponadvert...) (Old ’80s TV adverts appearoutofthewhite noise. And theonlythingthatremainsofme This time, myharddrivehasbeenwiped clean. But thistime, Ican’t dothat. I trytoanchormyselfinsidemyown history. is mygrandfather’s videotape. might mean. depression... that’s howIfightback — — But whatif “it” isjustgettingabettergripon the secondorthirdtimeround. And I’veoftenwonderedaboutthe that Iwasfirstdiagnosedwithdepression. My granddaddiedinthesameyear (A footballadvert...) of theoutsideworld. and ithelpsmemakesense male employee atthebank.) The adisamini-documentary, followingayoung (Banking advert begins, andthevolume israised. pretty muchexactlylikethis... But, itlookedandsounded And Idon’t wanttonamenames, I wasworkingforabank... At thetimeofmybreakdown We alwayssaythatwegetabettergripon You wanttobreakout, butthemomentumis Repetition becomesacage. repetition isnotyourfriend. In situationslikethis, as hardIpossiblycould. and thendrinkingeverynight working everydayinajobthatIhated, at itsmostdestructive: This isrepetition Partying aswell. I don’t mindsaying. I wasdrinkingtoomuchatthetime, a littledeadtome. everyone wasalreadybeginningtolook See, backin2007 a prettymiserablesummer. (Orange juiceadvert...) in whatwasalreadyturningouttobe had beenthefinalstraw I wonderedifperhapsmygranddad’s death which includeskeepingthecash machine so Idoabitofeverything, BANK CLERK:I’mstillquitejunior us? something just toogreat. connection... loaded... Stand By for Tape Back-Up 121 — her name... Now I’m making it her name... “DEATH-SHALL-CONQUER” password... was “score.” think each night. a living. was It eyes closed — erase this recording... just maybe And maybe, we might just never go back in the morning... to the start and the advert (ROSS rewinds replays it.) Fuck. Alright. Piss off bastards! time to change my briefing, Nine a.m. Sorry, I’m tired. And I think I spend too long around money. I know that tonight gonna come clubbing. she ain’t And all of this effort boils down to nothing. I’ve done enough time and seen enough shifts coming. to know that the future ain’t “love” And words like always end on the cutting room floor till we hit that door. we we will!” deal in change, “If the banks won’t Each glance gets filled remember what we do for until we won’t The grind of our lives overwritten... Hold each other tight (ROSS rewinds the advert to the start and the advert (ROSS rewinds replays it.) The birds depart. Slurp. Click. “Alright?” to the girl: nod Awkward never happened! like last night Christ! It’s up my yap I never should have opened metaphors: and told her all my innermost money...” I think you’re “Baby, Or difficult to copy. I think I meant powerful. for a bet. Not that she gets swapped wallet. in every man’s Nor that her picture’s I meant, I needed twenty of her. I might have used the word that be honest, To — —

side of the wall! side of the lifeline suppose we all did

Of course we do! not all work work work! It’s No, it’s easy! No, it’s Bit like a photocopier more expensive. paper’s Except the in, sure I put plenty And I make the other night, I’ll be on cuz Saturday Funny thing is when I was at college, bank I hated going into the — so the hole in the wall was a bit of a so the hole in the wall is! Well...still it... wankered in the pub mate!” start — all crunched down spent trying to forget this shit. (ROSS rewinds the advert to the start and replays to the start and replays the advert (ROSS rewinds an instrumental remix by sound is replaced The it. soundtrack) of the advert’s How am I going to do this? How am I going to describe to you the worst four years of my life? All the money I never earned... Every ounce of my strength... Every time that I crossed the office peripheral vision... just to appear in Sue’s — into a single transaction. I wonder if you can imagine This was my life. All those identical Friday nights spent half my earnings! there’s look, — Like this prick. fucking kill you, you talk to her! I’ll “Oi! Don’t we do what we must. Still, get pissed at lunch, We we search for love... but... Anything to give these days some worth, “work work work.” not, say it’s Don’t hurt! tell me that the nights don’t Don’t a less formal shirt. Same shit, And the circle jerks to the our heart. Working (Advert shows blossoming romance between the guy between shows blossoming romance (Advert and a fellow employee.) Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28 September 2021 Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28September 2021 122 Ross Sutherland It’s notthat badherereally! Hey couldoneofyousignmy if youwanttogetridofme, haha. I’majoker, Hey, you’regoingtohavetryharder It wasjustpubtalk... I’m notgonnaquitona Tuesday, amI? That’s No, Iwasjokingaboutthewhole YOU’RE NEVERGONNASEE THIS FACE I QUIT MOTHERFUCKERS!!! replays it.) (ROSS rewinds the advert tothestartand You’re nevergonnagetholdofthis. Why? And eventhoughyou’vegotmorecashpoints It beatsaslowdeathinNat West. then jumpintotheMerseyanddrown. I mighthireanescort, buyasmuchsmack I’m nevercomingback. It’s finallyover... There, it’s done. Don’t lookatmelikethat!I’mdesperate! I thinkmightpissinthekettle... Is thisaflashback?I’msoconfused... What? and agun? just tobuyoneticketforMammaMia two weekslater, takingouteverythingIown Is thismenow, Is allofthisjustinmyhead?HaveI Who amItalkingto, anyway? ...his twinbrother? is thatguy... Hey, is... We become likeclocksincasinos:blank, time disappears... With moneyatthecenter, I’ll maketheSa$ cuz thisneeds to be stronger. you’re busy... aren’t I? than that ridiculous. “quitting” thing. AGAIN!! Oh, heyhow’s itgoing? Because Iquit than anyothercrypt... my paycheckwillallow already quit? identical. — — No? Well, Mates! Bestintheworld!Hisfaceisabitof I mean, betterthanabladeuptherectum. Ain’t £120 perweek?Perperson?Great! good jobsseldommakeyoufeelwelcome. I fitinwell. Andifyouthinkaboutthecity ’course wedo it’s cheaptosurrender You knowandI that we’velostthecenter. If thehategoes...that’s thesign I’ve gotnothing. Cuz ifthehategoes Don’t smile. Imeanit. Or anyofthesepeople... Or evencopythatguy... What wouldyoucopymefor? all thesamemistakesyoumade before. Just fuckoffandrepeat So takeyourcashandbealone. all thevaluesdroptozero. Lit bythescreen, you’llfeel connected totherealworld. things youdoaren’t really You’re gonnastarttodreamthese They’re gonnamakeiteasy. They’re gonnamakeiteasy shrinking toapin-head. that littleeffortneeded or you’llfindthatsoon Don’t copytheirmovements Don’t repeatamoment... If youwantgold, thentakeanote, friend: Unless youfoundgoldupyourboss’s rear end. It’s...shit, nottherichnewaromaof Shit breathwon’t makeyoupopular “Yes, inlife, Iselectedthis:abigoldcup replays it.) (ROSS rewinds the advert tothestart and Getting inatsix, withalookthatsays: One day, we’llbeadvertsforourkids, but itcan’t be1980sLiverpoolforever. So leavethenestquick, kid. Findabetter lifeline... that right, Declan? Gold Blend. with Brenda. vendor. of shit.” — — Stand By for Tape Back-Up 123 universe re-runs been avoided there. said: So when he imagined him So when he and his grandfather together walking home through the Edinburgh weather, conventional them. the years around he could accelerate 35... 25, 10, be 5, He could pretend to But every single time like an adult. he learnt how to speak always start to forget.His grandfather would They’d switch places. And as his grandfather behind fell further and further far too late, The boy realized, to have been his turn that it was supposed to be the listener. fears, listen to his grandfather’s To as before though, the years between them were too great. matter how many times It didn’t he re-ran the memory the outcome was always the same. his own private the boy discovered later, Years where he could be free to create endless of the things that had scared him from his past. And slowly... he learnt to love his mistakes. He forgave himself for the errors he made. every paranoid thought... Every anxiety, he summoned them all back to the surface to dance. Every word he’d left unsaid to his granddad Every career decision he made out of fear Every near death experience that could have it was just because Each year lost to drinking, bell un-rung Every button un-pushed, And all the pointless sadness that went with it. It was all part of him. He learnt to name his monsters. He made them his pets. They they learnt to speak as one. And together,

gatekeeper. teach you. your breathing. seen on TV. Happiness is numbness, that’s all I have to all I have to that’s is numbness, Happiness fear out of they leech all the Get out before not things you’ve need, That fear is what you real: fear a thing that’s To them make it easy let Don’t them make it easy let Don’t them make it easy let Don’t them make it easy let Don’t the floor. onto over keels (ROSS runsof breath, out making West: “Nat the end of the advert. Onscreen, The videotape cuts to a football match, life easier.” ROSS slowly recovers noise of the crowd. with white gets up.) he Eventually, on the floor. I can’t... Not this bit. No no. control and fast- his remote (ROSS retrieves to the changes The image footage. the forwards chest He stands, He hits PLAY. Thriller video. Onscreen, and tries to focus himself. heaving, muted.) exits the cinema...volume Jackson Michael Once upon a time back in 1984, boy A four-year-old went to the cinema with his granddad. After the film he tried to explain to his granddad what had scared him so much about the movie, but he couldn’t. He didn’t have the words to describe that feeling. implicitly... Though they loved each other, the years between them were too great. The boy grew up, moved away, but returned to this memory so over time again and again in his head, he learnt how to cheat his own brain. Once you ran from monsters; now you’re their ran from monsters; now Once you Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28 September 2021 Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28September 2021 124 Ross Sutherland ae se forward — step a no —take free on —nostruggle hold to Tryin’ strung upwithlies. We skateupontheice, Pulled forwardsbynothingbutfright. Deny itallwelike. trapped inthebodiesofmen. We’re children On theretreatanddesperate. all ofusstuckinthemud. Steve, Jackie, Gary, Clive: And I’mcrazyifwefuckorfight. Hands upifyou’recrazy. Brain grasping, Iheardmynameinsongson looking backatnothingbutthemoon. living outthecornersofmyeyes, paranoid, I hadmyheadinabass-bin, Jump afewyearsback, leave usgrabbingatthecobwebs, pacingthe If Supermancouldlookintoourskulls, he’dbe the groundunsteadyfromslackinour belt. and talkthroughpuppets, then goonline We bitchabouttruth, we’re spreadacrosstheetherlikeweownit. but meandmymates And I’mnosoldier... but Ikillmothsforfun. Butterflies fine, that keepsamanoutofharm. Give aslowclapforthesarcasm So goahead:yawn. nor adrinktomylap, I neveroncetookasmacktomyface, A whambarforaspine. get scratched. all backs then outcometheclaws: Friends leave I onlydancewhenstampingants. I onlyholdtheelevatordoorforgirls. would ruinmymonth. Though acliptotheear My lungs?Halfshrug. I’m anasthmaticthatsmokes. Look...look... (Beat kicks inasMichael Jackson begins todance.) the radio. streets... gone, Um...we fallinlovewithimagesof...each programs, movingtoofast tocomprehend.) (The videostartstostrobethroughother TV I cangetitback. Justwait... OK, hangon, hangon. Shit. (Forgets thewords.) They fallinlovewithimagesof... They fallinlovewithimagesof... They fallinlovewithimagesof... People seehimwherehe’s not. is hallucinatedleftandright. What’s beautiful...isthatSuperman(like Elvis) that onceseemedsourasfunerals. Take awalkbackthroughthosestreets Instead: jumpoutofthattinycubicle. Don’t bashyourbrainsout, sauerkraut! It’s stillworththebloodyfingers. Your songmightonlyreachahandful and thenrealizedthey’restrangers. We’ve allwavedatfriends, none ofthemcanpenetrate. and neighbors, exes, bosses, zombies... Now, letmedrawacircle:thisspaceissafe Back painmakesmenoticethelittlethings. Even ifthequeueislong. Longerthan Let’s skip, allofus, allthewaytobackof ,I dunno(shrug) thoughIdon’t knowyou. It’s notthecoldthatmakesmewannahug. I feelprettygood! And apartfromthecrampinmylegs Oh yeah!Herewegoagain. Right, OK back intoThriller.) starts toplay inreverse...back throughthefootball, (ROSS jabstheremote atthescreen. The video FUCK. No. Comeon, comeon back intothefootballmatch.) (ROSS loseshisplaceintherap. Thrillerturns lifting, theascension, of...for...this isnot I wasblindatthetime...to rising, the snow...snow...snowmobile... Snowblind: and communities...cominginto...snow... what’s real andwhat’s not. It’s aboutideas other... It’s adialogue, butwelosetrackof life itself. the queue. — back fromthedead Stand By for Tape Back-Up 125 it’s called it’s — commonly commonly once trapped inside a once trapped inside a — interest me particularly. is interesting. It’s funny that my lasting memory of him is funny that my lasting It’s me. him not remembering the brain this condition in There’s It’s confabulation.” “spontaneous also with with amnesiacs and associated the elderly. mind becomes trapped It happens when the experiencing the same inside a feedback loop, again. memory over and over we remember some- Every single time that the previous version of we overwrite thing, the memory. So as you can imagine feedback loop that signal quickly deteriorates. feedback loop that signal with things that you’ve Memories get confused in books or short-term TV or read seen on one of the reasons that the faces It’s memories. of daughters often replace the faces of mothers. syn- The world begins to take on the strange the bizarre inner-logic chronicity of a dream, of a poem. And if I get to live as long as my granddad, that eventually I’m going to start then I expect, After to see the world the same way that he did. down they often get passed these things, all, the line... And I hope so too. grab I too will be able to I hope that one day, the arm of someone I love and lean into them, and say, to “I think I’ve worked out what I’m supposed be doing here...” My secret mission finally exposed... or anything... Seen in the reflection of a crystal, back Anything that takes in light and gives us patterns. TV set Like a or a ghost. The video continues. on. TV comes back (The up on ROSS.) Spotlight fades this is the last five minutes of the videotape. So, . the opening scene from Jaws It’s really itself doesn’t the story of Jaws Now, — that the story behind Jaws However,

about film... It’s about the way we condense the way we condense about It’s about film... child of...hidden people...a these theatres to...the farewell...fuck...dance embracing inside the sleep...it’s...it’s... ending...sit (The screen is strobing very fast now. The tape has The now. fast very is strobing (The screen loses himself inside ROSS become supernatural. becomes a He light. the flashing by hypnotized it, Full blackout.) it. shadow against my granddad he didn’t The last time that I saw know who I was. I wanted to say to him There were things that that I left too late. He know who I was. not just that he didn’t It’s either. he was, where know didn’t a nursing home just out- Where he was...was which is just about half an hour side Braintree, down the road from where my parents live. He thought that he Where he thought he was... liner. an ocean Like, was on a cruise ship. He also thought that he was back in the war, that he’d been placed onboard this ship on an There was some kind of secret mission. for. object of some kind that he was searching This object that was going to help the allied effort somehow. The was. he’d forgotten what that object Now, but they were details of his mission were gone, slowly coming back to him over time. I remember him gripping my arm and leaning into me and saying to me, to “I think I’ve worked out what I’m supposed be doing here.” know that he was talking At the time he didn’t to his grandson. He thought that I was the pianist from the house band. ship’s that I was his know But even though he didn’t grandson... he still trusted me enough to tell me the details a Probably of his top-secret military mission. court martial offense. And I’ll take that. still a truth in that. There’s Although that is probably the moment that I realized I’d lost him. Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28 September 2021 Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28September 2021 126 Ross Sutherland Money begantoimmediatelyhemorrhage from the entirefarcewasexposed. Now, assoonthat photowaspublished, and gotaphotographofBrucein managed tosneakonset Shortly after, someonefrom Time magazine for allpretenderstostayaway. maybe thissharkwasasign Just maybe, I’msaying, where abirdpeckedouthisliverevery sunset. got trappedinsideatime-loop, Prometheus, forhistrouble And storieslikethat...theydon’t tendtohave That seemstobealittlebitlikemanplaying Sharks A shark...thosethingsaretrueforcesof nature! And sure, let’s behonest. this entirefilmwasimpossible. Word quicklygotaroundsetthatjustmaybe, Every week, Brucelookedalittleless “shark- The crewhadtoconstantlyrepatchhim, rewire broke downonprettymuchthefirstday Bruce’s state-of-the-arthydraulicjaw Despite costing1.2milliondollars He namedhimafteroneofhislawyers. is thenamethatSpielberggaveshark. Bruce, ifyoudon’t know, You couldcallthatstory, “The Storyof What that speakstomemorethananyother. However, thereisonestoryfromthemaking the filmitselfcanbarelycontainitall... That sometimes There issomuchmythologygoingoninside that hassomanybookswrittenaboutit. Jaws isoneofthosefilms the project. between takes. happy endings. God. to buildone? just maybe like” thanthelast. him. of filming. Happened toBruce.” of this film. Jaws are Death, incarnate. Isitevenpossible After all, whatistheonethingscarierthana if thattrickdidn’t savethepicture. And mygod, That’s it. Empty water. (Pauses theimage onimage ofthesea.) And initsplace, whatdidheleave? And that’s whathedid. Cut thesharkfrommovie. was tocutthesharkoutofpicture. He decidedthattheonlywaytosavethe film And inamomentofsheergenius But no, hepersevered. Heclungonto He wouldbetheshark’s onlytruevictim. he’d nevergetthemoneytomakeanother one. that ifhedidn’t finishthepicture After all, herealized None moresothanSpielberghimself. that shark’s notgone, notreally. but ifyouaskme, a lotofpeoplewereupsetabout that, And, asyoucanimagine they gotridoftheJawsride. Shutitdown. but aboutthreeyearsagoatUniversalStudios I don’t knowifyouthis You justhavetobelievethatit’s outthere. Stop lookingatit...justforasecond. stop lookingatit. If youreallywanttobelieveinsomething... And that’s thethingItrytotakefrom as soontheygotridoftheshark. Jaws becamebelievable He cangetyouinthesmallestroomof He cangetyouintheliftofyourbuilding... He cangetyouinthesupermarket... Invisible Jaws? Because youcan’t hidefromnothing! How aboutasharkmadeofnothing? Sponsors pulledoutleft, right, andcenter. he decidedtodo. Somewhere. Waiting... this picture. the house... shark? the project. Everybody waspanicking. — here’s what Stand By for Tape Back-Up 127 all the way back back all the way — with picture — The tape rewinds to the start. The tape clicks off, ready to begin again. again. to begin ready off, clicks The tape to the start. audience leaves, as the onstage stays ROSS End. connections.) wires, checking END. To view supplemental materials related view To please visit to this article, http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi /suppl/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 that shark is going to come that shark —

for us when the time is right. for us when We’ll see that son of a bitch again. see that We’ll Letting go as forgetting. is not the same Because is he? not forgotten, he’s the ROSS watches into static. (The tape dissolves rewind. remote and hits He lifts the static flicker. If anything, they’ve just set him free. they’ve just set him If anything, right me, Trust Downloaded from http://www.mitpressjournals.org/doi/pdf/10.1162/DRAM_a_00695 by guest on 28 September 2021