COLD OPEN: Who was Eleanor Roosevelt? She was the niece of Theodore Roosevelt. The wife of Franklin D. Roosevelt. So much Roosevelt. She was a Goddamn super Roosevelt. She revolutionized the role of First Lady in American Politics. She didn’t just plan parties for other women of privilege - she gave press conferences with the public and wrote an internationally distributed newspaper column. After her husband’s death, she served at the United Nations, focusing on human rights and women's issues. She stood up for the oppressed in an age when most did not. She spoke her mind during a time when most women could not. She was a light in the darkness, a beacon in the storm, a cool glass of sanity and reason in a desert of ignorance and oppression. And today, she’s getting fucking sucked. Right here. On Timesuck.

PAUSE TIMESUCK INTRO

I. Welcome! II. Happy Monday Cult of the Curious! I’m Dan Cummins aka The Prophet of Nimrod the Suckmaster, the Sultan of the Suck, the tamer of Bojangles, and this beautiful and talented friends, is Timesuck.

HUEGE thanks to the Madison Wisconsin Timesuckers who came out this past week. Three sold out shows in Madison and two others that were damn close. Thanks to Joey for being one of the best club managers in the game! All the shows were fun but over half of the Saturday first show crowd were clearly Timesuckers, and that show was ELECTRIC! One of my favorite in recent memory. More of that please! Got I love it when you guys come out. It pumps me up. Pumps more engird into the suck. I got two hours of sleep Saturday night and didn’t give a fuck as I got this episode ready. You make the sacrifice worth it!

I really like how the new material is coming together for the standup show. Very Timesuck-esque.

Closing out the year at Comedy Works in Denver, Colorado, December 28 through New Year’s Eve next week. Hope to see you there! Heard that clubs a blast.

Indianapolis!! C’mon Indy. Be good to me again. Morty’s Comedy Joint January 5th and 6th. Get those tickets now Indy suckers!

Providence, RI - The Comedy Connection January 19-20th.

Chicopee, MA - Cabot Comedy Club Jan 21st

Philadelphia! I’ll be at The Punchline January 25-27th.

Chicago! January 31st through Feb. 3rd at Zanies in Rosemont.

New York City - Gotham Comedy Club, one night only, Feb. 11th.

Two live podcasts now on the books for 2018!!!

Small Town Murder swap cast in Detroit on Feb. 16th, 2018 at the Magic Bag is happening! Live swap cast podcast tickets are on sale. Two shows now in one night - standup at 7PM, and the swap cast will start at 10PM.

Sisyphus Brewing in Minneapolis on March 3rd. Only $10 tickets for a live Timesuck podcast. Hopefully they’ll get those on sale soon. We can only bug them so much. And I’ll be doing standup shows there March 2nd and the 3rd as well.

Check the tour date section on the website, either dancummins.tv or timesuckpodcast.com for more info. Ticket links in the episode description for all the shows I mentioned that have ticket links available.

More announcements about merch and the app at the end of the show, right now let’s get to Timesuck 66 - Eleanor Motherfuckin’ Roosevelt.

PAUSE INTERLUDE

III. Feminist/Humanist: Eleanor Roosevelt is adored by a large number, if not by most, feminists. I took a feminism 101 course years ago and I’m pretty sure she was covered.

I’d say Eleanor Roosevelt is one of the great feminists of all time, but really, she is one of the great humanists of all time. And I feel, that’s what genuine feminism is - humanism. Real feminism is not advancing women’s rights AT THE EXPENSE OF men. It’s advancing women’s rights TO BE EQUAL TO THAT OF men. And often, and certainly in the case of Eleanor, it is about bringing the rights of women to equal the rights of men and then pushing to bring the rights of everyone into balance. Bringing the rights of the have nots in alignment with the haves. It’s what Eleanor fought for her entire adult life. And let’s take a nice long look at that life, with a Timesuck Timeline!

IV. Eleanor Timeline. 1. October 11th, 1884. Anna Eleanor Motherfuckin’ Roosevelt was born in Manhattan, New York. She was the first child born to Elliot Bulloch Roosevelt, brother of Timesuck 53, Teddy Motherfuckin’ Roosevelt. That’s how she got that extra middle name of hers that I just made up. And her mother was Anna Rebecca Hall, wealthy socialite. Eleanor was born into money and privilege, her family being part of the wealthy East Coast elite, the Platinum Privileged class the rest of the country began to refer to as The Swells. Ha. The “Swells”! I love it.

(late 19th century/ early 20th century musical voice) “Life sure would be grand if I were swell! I could be the Big Cheese! A real live wire, the Real McCoy yes please! I could be the Cat’s Pajama’s and live so well if only I could be a Swell! Chase the gals with the grandest gams, only time will tell if I will be a Swell!

There actually was a real song - song with a melody that stays in key and follows musical theory - that was later made about the Swells. A little ditty sang by Judy Garland and Fred Astaire. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hrzo5SPaOvg - start at 0:13, play to 0:28. (So good)

a) Mom: Her mother was a Manhattan socialite noted for her physical beauty and vanity, a woman born into multigenerational wealth. Old money! And, she apparently was an asshole. More on that in a bit. b) Dad: Her father was also part of a very wealthy family.

Eleanor came from the same line of Roosevelts as Teddy Roosevelt - the Oyster Bay Roosevelts. This side's rise to wealth (19th century) was via banking, namely Chemical Bank, now known as Chase/JP Morgan.

Chemical Bank was a bank with a headquarters in New York City from 1824 until 1996. At the end of 1995, Chemical was the third-largest bank in the U.S., with about $182.9 billion in assets and more than 39,000 employees around the world.

For more on that old Teddy Roosevelt money, listen to Timesuck 53.

Aside from being rich, Elliot was also a raging alcoholic. More on that in a bit as well. And, like his wife, he was known for being quite the looker. A handsome man from a wealthy family! What a catch! What a swell Dandy! Not really. Dude comes across like a pathetic, emotionally unstable, lazy deadbeat. However, Eleanor adored her father and, when he was around and sober, he seemed like a good dad who reciprocated that love. Only, he wasn’t around and sober very often.

He was known to be charismatic and made his presence felt when he walked into a room. He didn’t seem to ever hold a real job, or need one. Eleanor, when asked what her father did, would describe him as a “sportsman”. Not a professional athlete. A sportsman. A guy who has lots of time for big games hunts and tennis and the polo club because he never needs to get a real job.

Eilliot’s father had left him a lot of money when he’d died. He was able to afford doing stuff like traveling to and climbing the Himalayas, bouncing around in Asia for awhile, then coming back and regaling other socialites with his tales of adventure.

He played lots of Polo at the Meadow Brook Club on Long Island. Finally, he got a job working for New York’s leading real estate establishment, the Ludlow Firm where he wasn’t terribly successful because, he didn’t earn it. Family connections basically just gave him a new place to drink and chat with other rich people. Instead of a bar or a polo club, it happened to be called an office. He didn’t stay there long. Took a later job at his uncle’s Investment firm. Didn’t show up much around the office. Traveled extensively through Europe. Drank a lot more.

Elliot was, essentially, the movie character of the rich aristocrat that no one has any real respect for. His brother Teddy is out there using his family connections and wealth for good and he’s wasting his life on booze and decadent travel, which Lucifina tells me I should do if I ever fall into money. Get drunk on beaches, eat the finest meals, and never give back to those less fortunate! Hail Lucifina!!! I mean, begone Lucifina! Don’t do that! Hail Nimrod! c) Bad Mom: Eleanor preferred to be called by her middle name, probably because her mother’s name was Anna, and she wasn’t a huge mom fan. Her mom called her “Granny” as a young child because she was such a serious child, and because she was so plain looking (and not nearly as pretty as her mother).

What an asshole! I can’t imagine teasing one of my kids about their looks. And I could’ve easily been doing that for years. Both of my kids, Kyler and Monroe, are VERY ugly. REALLY ugly. Painful to look at really.

But I don’t go around calling them trolls and goblins even though they look more like those creatures than actual humans, ‘cause that’s not cool. I never make fun of their horrible, horrible looks, not even at dinner when I have to continually gaze up and away or stare through them instead of fixating on their nasty, ugly, monster faces to keep from losing my appetite. Makes my skin crawl just to think about the way my kids look.

Seriously though, based on this alone, I’m gonna just say that Anna is not a good mom, or, a good person in general. And my kids are handsome and beautiful by the way. My daughter’s handsome, and my son is beautiful. And now both are going to punch me when they hear this episode.

As a result of mom’s cruel teasing, Eleanor was rather shy growing up. Jesus. Poor kid. Her mom’s cruelty influenced her personality, giving her more empathy for the world than she would’ve likely otherwise had. Since mom made it clear that relying on her looks in life was not an option, she learned she could earn love and affection by doing things for others and being useful. This strong aspect of her personality stayed with her until the end of her life.

Funny how if mom would’ve just thought she was beautiful, she probably never would’ve grown up into this amazing, empathetic, civic-minded person. Her life wouldn’t of been nearly as memorable or impactful had she been born with a slightly different look. Looks certainly are not everything. The beautiful people aren’t necessarily the best people to be. I love this angle on today’s tale.

2. 1889: In 1889, when Eleanor is not quite five, the wonderful Roosevelt parents welcomed a second child into the world to mock and neglect, Eliot Jr, who would lead a short, tragic life.

3. 1891: In 1891, when Eleanor is six, a second brother is born, Gracie Hall Roosevelt. You heard that right. They had a boy and named him Gracie because they were assholes. Why just name him Linda or Michelle. Gracie would go by Hall because, apparently, he did not enjoy the taunts and fists of schoolyard bullies. Hall would go on to a have a minor career in politics and sadly, share his father’s alcoholism. I didn’t have any stats to back this up, but, I feel like your chance of becoming an alcoholic increases when you’re a boy and your parents name you Gracie.

1891 - big year for the Roosevelts! The also welcome their third son into the world. Well… at least Elliot did. Awkward. He’d been having an affair with Katy Mann, a family servant, and the affair resulted in a half brother: Elliott Roosevelt Mann. Anna was understandably less than overjoyed about this. There was a payoff and Katy went away.

In addition to Elliot’s womanizing - in addition to the baby with one mistress, he also had a prolonged affair in Europe with another one Florence Bagley Sherman - an expatriate living in Paris with her two children. And due to this and his alcoholism and more and more frequent emotional outbursts, he was essentially banished from the family. They don’t divorce, don’t necessarily separate, but, he begins to live separately. When the family returns from a trip to Europe in 1891, Elliot does not join them.

Theodore weighed in on all of this. God I love me some Teddy Motherfuckin’ Roosevelt! Man was a pistol! He was beyond disappointed in his brother. He was disgusted. Hearing about his brother’s womanizing and drunkenness, he called Elliot “a maniac mentally as well as morally.” Haha! He also referred to Elliot as a “flagrant man swine”.

4. 1892: 1892, not a good year for the Roosevelt “Swells” A very un- swell year for certain. Eleanor’s mother Anna dies of diphtheria on December 7, 1892. Diphtheria is a bacteria infection with symptoms that begin between 2 to 5 days after exposure, usually starting off mildly with a sore throat and a fever. It can develop to grow a grey or white patch in the throat that can block the airway creating a barking cough, the neck swells due to enlarged lymph nodes. There’s also a form that can involve the skin, eyes, or genitals. Complications can include myocarditis, inflammation of nerves, kidney problems, and bleeding problems due to low levels of platelets. Myocarditis may result in an abnormal heart rate and inflammation of the nerves may result in paralysis. Usually spread through direct contact or through the air, it was a rough way to go out.

Diphtheria is now extremely rare in the United States and other developed countries, thanks to widespread vaccination against the disease. For those not vaccinated, medications are available to treat diphtheria. However, in advanced stages, diphtheria can damage your heart, kidneys and nervous system. Even with treatment, diphtheria can be deadly — up to 3 percent of people who get diphtheria die of it. So, you know, vaccinate your fucking kids already!

Anti-vaxxing. Another future suck. One I will get some angry emails about for sure! That issue is a HUGE trigger for some as I’ve already found out in my personal life.

So, Anna dies of a disease science can now vaccinate against, and she dies without her husband at her side, because he is a drunken, sloppy, spoiled mess of a human. And the last words Anna ever spoke were to Eleanor. She told her young daughter, only eight at the time, “Please, if you ever want to be loved, you must figure out how to become beautiful. Or, at the very least, have big tits. Or, at the very, VERY least, pad your bras. And of course be very, very skinny. Don’t eat, pad your bras, agree with what men say and laugh at all their jokes, and always remember that ugly women die alone.” And then Anna herself expired.

Of course she didn’t say that. But she may have thought it!

Poor Eleanor is now left without a mother, even if she was a shitty one, and her dad is not around. Money and privilege do not grantee an easy childhood, do they? Reminds me of the JFK two part Suck.

5. 1893: Six months later, her brother, Elliott Jr, died 6 months later of the same thing at the age of only three in 1893 when Eleanor is still only eight. (May 1893) Another rough year for Ellie.

6. 1894: In 1894, a shit-storm continues to blow through Ellie’s life. Her father, already estranged, is now dead. Confined to a sanitarium for treatment for alcoholism, he jumped from a window in August in a fit of delirium at the age of 34. He survives the initial fall, but suffers a seizure and dies a few days later on August 14th.

At the time of his death, his alcoholism had escalated such that he was consuming numerous bottles of Champagne and brandy each day. Champagne every day? I know serious alcoholism isn’t funny, BUT, there is something funny about drinking numerous bottles of Champagne every day. Such a cartoonish rich guy cliche. Living every day like it’s a New Year’s Eve party. I just picture him wearing a little party hat, with confetti poppers, and noisemakers,

(drunk rich guy) “Break open a couple more bottles of champagne everyone! Let’s do a countdown! 5 - 4- 3- 1! Happy New Day! Congratulations anyone! It’s March 7th! Woooooooooo!!! For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good felloooooooow! That anyone can deny!”

In that scene I just made up, I want you to know that Elliot was completely alone singing that song in his sanitarium room. Yup. It’s even sadder than what you were already thinking.

Eleanor is devastated. Even though dad was rarely around and clearly had some problems, she adored her father. She adored him, most likely, because he wasn’t around. She was able to create some idealized version of him in her mind, blame her mom for him not being around. Maybe blame her mom for his drinking too.

And now, nine year old Eleanor Roosevelt is down both parents and one brother. Eleanor and her remaining sibling, Hall, went to live with her maternal grandmother Mary Livingston Ludlow of the Livingston family in Tivoli (Tih voh lee), New York. Her half brother, Elliot Mann, was living with his mom, estranged from her side of his family. They did not grow up together.

Life at grandma Mary’s was a little chaotic. More of the same pattern of money and privilege and people doing nothing good with it. Being surrounded by all these people who had the means to do so much and did so little had to have clearly affected Eleanor’s worldview and plans for adulthood.

Her grandmother Mary had married a much older, rigidly religious, controlling man who treated her like a child and when she was 50 and he died, she wasn’t equipped to be a mother or raise grandkids. Or do much of anything really. She’d been sheltered from actual responsibility until middle age. Her two sons, Eleanor’s uncles, Valentine and Edward, had serious problems with alcohol just like her father did, and, from what I could find about them, they seemed to be a couple of rowdy, spoiled, petulant assholes. Anna had helped her mom with the family budget, and when she died, Mary was really lost.

One cousin recalled, her home was "a very unpleasant place" and it took its toll on her. She seemed "beaten," as though "life was more than she could bear”. Her home was a secluded, semi- barricaded place, with shades pulled tightly against the light, doors between rooms closed, and visitors tightly screened.

Eleanor would later reflect upon her grandma: "Her willingness to be subservient to her children isolated her . . . and it might have been far better, for her boys at least, had she insisted on bringing more discipline into their lives simply by having a life of her own."

Eleanor understood Hall's sadness and used it as a catalyst for her own happiness. "My grandmother's life had a considerable effect on me, for even when I was young I determined," she wrote in This I Remember,"that I would never be dependent upon my children by allowing all my interests to center in them."

Living with her grandma, she did seem to overcome her mother’s fixation on physical beauty, writing, at 14, "no matter how plain a woman may be if truth and loyalty are stamped upon her face all will be attracted to her.” I get that. Truth and loyalty - way more important than fading looks.

7. 1899: In 1899, at the age of 15, she was sent to Allenswood Academy outside of London in Wimbledon. It was a finishing school ( a school for young women basically teaching them how to be a lady to “enter into society.” It finished their education and also taught them manners and etiquette. In her later autobiography, she noted how she felt so free for the first time in her life. She loved learning. She was a Timesucker - although probably would have found my humor quite distasteful and unnecessary. She became the headmistress, Marie Souvestre (soo-vestrah)’s favorite student. Eleanor learned fluent French. She was loved by her peers.

8. 1902: She visited with her aunt Anna “Bamie” Roosevelt often, who had encouraged her to go to Allenswood in the first place, she’s keep in touch with Souvestre until the head mistress died in 1905, and she wished to stay at Allenswood as long as possible but she was summoned back to the States by her grandmother, Mary, in 1902 to make her social debut (much to her dismay). Rich people problems! Aw man, can’t stay at a prestigious private school, not making any money, living in Europe. Gotta come home and find a man. She’s 17 without a single man interested in her, she’s practically an Old Maid already! Does she want to DIE ALONE???

She’d later remembered this time being terrible. She didn’t really know anyone in the debutante circuit anymore. She was a fish out of water in New York. Again - rich people problems! At least you didn’t have to, I don’t know, find a fucking job and actually pay your way through life. BUT - I haven’t walked in her shoes so maybe I shouldn’t judge.

This is also about the same time she started into her first charity work, giving of herself to the general public is the legacy she’d become most known for. Sorry about the job crack Ellie. Turns out you were doing cool stuff. She became active with the New York Junior League shortly after its founding, teaching dancing and calisthenics in the East Side slums. The New York Junior League, still around today, was founded just the year before in 1901. Mary Harriman, a student at Barnard College, was so moved by the poverty in New York City that she decided to do something about it. She rallied her friends to join the cause and soon they were visiting the Lower East Side settlements, teaching and mentoring the immigrant families who were living there. And now Eleanor is helping as well.

She was immediately criticized by some relatives for engaging in public activity not common for a young woman.

(Spoiled aristocrat voice) “How dare you help those poor people, Eleanor! Why, if they wanted better lives they would’ve been born into wealthy families like we were. It’s all about one’s choices! I wanted a life of beach home vacations, European trips, lobster and champagne, so, I was born into wealth and privilege. They chose to be born into squalor and filth - they must want it!”

Work like this at that time was not the norm for the Swells. Mucking about with the poor and disenfranchised. Crazy that her noble decision to help others drew criticism.

9. November 22, 1903: That summer, she met her father’s fifth cousin, Franklin Delano Roosevelt on a train to Tivoli, New York. And they immediately did it. They’d had sex eight times before he even knew her name. They had sex three times before he even knew she was a woman. They had sex once before he even knew she was human. Hail Lucifina! I mean, BEGONE!

No. They had a nice old-time-y courting.

The two began a secret correspondence and romance, and they became engaged on November 22, 1903. “Who’s Granny now MAMA?? Who’s Granny NOW???”

Eleanor’s future mother-in-law, Sara Ann Delano, apparently opposed the union, and made FDR promise that the engagement would not be officially announced for a year. Eleanor just couldn’t win with maternal figures. Sara tried to give him a year to change his mind.

Wow. That’s gotta be shitty. To have your future mother-in-law that opposed to you. And to have your future husband agree to delay the announcement had to have stung too. Luckily for him, I guess, she was used to being beaten down by her own mother.

Franklin finally stood up for Eleanor and wrote his mother: “I know what pain I must have caused you, I know my own mind, and known it for a long time, and know that I could never think otherwise.” Adding, “Now stop being such a selfish, controlling bitch!” And then he immediately threw that draft of the letter away and rewrote it without the last part.

Sara even sent baby boy FDR, the young man who, five years later would invest $5,000 into finding that Oak Island treasure as you learned last week, she even sent FDR on a Caribbean cruise in 1904 hoping to kill their romance, but FDR was determined, loved Eleanor, and the two were married on March 17, 1905. Again what a bitch.

(SARA) “Franklin my dear boy, I have a surprise for you! I’ve bought you a trip to the Caribean. You can explore ship wrecks, drink on tropical paradises, maybe even find some time for romance!”

(FDR) “Thank you mother! I can’t wait to tell Eleanor, she’ll be delighted!”

(SARA) “Eleanor’s not invited!!! I bought a ticket for you and you alone. There’ll be a lot of single women on the boat. I want you to explore your options.”

He goes on the trip but, as I said, they stay together and they get married. Eleanor’s uncle, President Teddy Roosevelt, gives Eleanor away at the wedding.

Jesus. The prestige of this family. “Who’s giving you away?” “My Uncle.” “And what does your Uncle do?” “He’s the leader of the free world.”

Teddy’s presence put their wedding on the Front Page of the New York Times and other newspapers, and he said of their wedding: "It is a good thing to keep the name in the family.”

Okay… Kind of cool I guess. Also - pretty creepy. A bit incestuous.

(Teddy voice) “Keep it in the family! That’s what I always say! When looking for a good woman, look no further than down the Hallway of your own home. Start with siblings and if they’re taken, look to cousins next. Don’t muddy the water! Keep the bloodlines pure! Unlike other women, at least you have a good idea where your sisters and cousins have been!”

I know I’m being a little ridiculous. A fifth cousin is not nearly the same as a sister. Still - odd thing to say.

The spent the summer of 1905 on a three month honeymoon tour of Europe. Three months. In Europe. And then FDR’s mommy gave them one of the family homes, a house in Hyde Park, New York. The house FDR was born in. It’s a National Historic Site now. 20,000 foot mansion on 265 acres. You can have it when you get back from staying in the finest hotels in Europe for an entire summer.

Holy shit. This level of wealth is mind blowing to me. The kind where, when you travel, you truly don’t have to think about money. There is literally no hotel too expensive for you to stay at. You don’t consider price when you look at a menu. You don’t budget for activities and outings - you just do whatever you want to do that you have to fit into your plans. Unreal.

FDR’s side of the Roosevelt, like Eleanor’s, also made their money in banking. I traced back the Roosevelt wealth that includes FDR’s branches in that Suck on Teddy.

All this awesomeness came, however, with a nasty string attached. FDR’s mom would also live in the family Hyde Park mansion, her quarters connected to the newlyweds by a sliding door. How terrible would that be? To be living with your mother-in- law immediately after your honeymoon? No thanks. I get along great with my mother-in-law, but, I would never want her a sliding glass door away at all times. And I ESPECIALLY would not want to live with a mother-in-law you know doesn’t like you. How the fuck do you accept that? I guess him being SUPER rich didn’t hurt. And, she clearly loved him.

Sara sounds like the mother-in-law from Hell. Poor Eleanor. Shitty mom, checked out grandma, and then super shitty mother-in-law.

And Sara Ann Delano didn’t just not like Eleanor, she also didn’t trust Eleanor to be in charge of her son’s family. She ran both households, especially when her 6 grandchildren were born. That’s right - six grandkids. Apparently, mom being right around the corner didn’t stop old FDR and Ellie from knocking it out! Just crushing it every time mom steps away.

Sara sounded like a terrible grandmother. Eleanor’s eldest son James remembered Sara once telling her grandchildren, "Your mother only bore you, I am more your mother than your mother is.”

Fuck that! That’s when mom gets kicked out. Actually, to be fair, while Eleanor was an amazing woman, she wasn’t the best mother. She admitted as much, saying “It did not come naturally to me to understand little children or to enjoy them”. She also admitted late in life that she also didn’t enjoy making them, saying that having sex with FDR was an “ordeal”.

But they had kids nonetheless. They had Anna Eleanor Roosevelt, born in 1906 who would live until 1975. James Roosevelt II, born in 1907, who would live until 1991. Franklin Roosevelt, born in 1909 who would also die in 1909 at the age of 8 months. He never was a healthy baby, battling jaundice and the flu early on, and he had an enlarged heart and a heart murmur. That had to have been Hell to deal with his death. The couple then had Elliott Roosevelt, born in 1909, who live until 1990, and then they took a few years off of baby making, and then had two more kids: Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Jr. (1914-1988) and John Aspinwall Roosevelt II (1916-1981)

And then, I’m guessing Eleanor was like, “Enough! Jesus. You’re either putting on one of those new condom thingys, or you’re keeping your thingy out of me.”

That’s a direct quote. Of course it’s not. 10.1918: Maybe five kids was finally enough for them. Maybe Eleanor, who didn’t love sex, at least not with FDR, was done. Maybe FDR just focused his sexual energy elsewhere? Actually, that last one is what happened. He may have focused his energy elsewhere based on his wife having no interest in having sex with him. I’m not cavalier about infidelity, BUT, if your partner is sexually repulsed by you, I get cheating. If you join in a relationship where you agree to be someone’s sole sexual outlet - FOR LIFE - it’s unreasonable to cut them off and then expect them to remain faithful.

ANYWHO!

In 1918, FDR got caught having an affair with Eleanor's own secretary, Lucy Mercer. In September 1918, when Eleanor, unpacking for her husband, who had just returned from England with the flu, discovered a bundle of incriminating letters. Uh oh.

Five years prior, in 1913, on the advice of Anna Roosevelt Cowles, a family elder known as Aunty Bye, Eleanor Roosevelt had hired Lucy Mercer, seven years younger, to be her social secretary. FDR was newly installed as the assistant secretary of the Navy; she was in the early stage of pregnancy and overwhelmed with the demands of Washington society. Attractive and personable, Lucy quickly proved herself so useful and efficient that she became practically a member of the family.

Eleanor offered FDR a divorce, but Sara, old Mommy Dearest, actually stepped in and said that if he left his wife she would cut him off without a cent. Did not see that coming. Not sure if Eleanor had grown on her or if she just new that his political career was over if he left the mother of his five children for his wife’s assistant. Guessing it was the latter. She was a bitch but no dummy. FDR was an ambitious young politician currently serving as Assistant Secretary of the Navy - the second highest ranking official in the Navy. He had been a New York State senator prior to his appointment. He had ambitions to go much further and mom knew he’d never achieve political glory with a scandalous divorce.

Louis Howe, Franklin’s trusted adviser, reaffirmed that a divorce would mean the end of his political career. So Franklin agreed to stay in the marriage - under two conditions set down by Eleanor: he had to break off with Lucy Mercer immediately and for good, and he could never again share his wife’s bed.

According to author Joseph Persico’s book, “Franklin & Lucy: President Roosevelt, Mrs. Rutherfurd and the Other Remarkable Women in His Life,” Franklin observed the second part of the agreement. How long he kept the first has been a matter of some scholarly debate. Some believe that Lucy attended Roosevelt’s first inauguration, in March 1933, hiding in the back of a limousine he had sent for her. The White House logs show that someone named “Mrs. Paul Johnson” — believed to be a pseudonym for Lucy Rutherfurd as she was then, having married Winthrop Rutherfurd, a wealthy widower — visited in August 1941 and again in November. And it has been known for some time that after Winthrop’s death in 1944, Lucy began seeing Franklin fairly regularly, and that she, and not his wife, was with him when he died in Warm Springs, Ga., in April 1945.

The interesting and complicated lives powerful people so often live.

Historical author Perseico, by the way, is a pretty reputable source of info. He wrote about the CIA, Nuremberg, the Civil War, WW1, and he was the primary speech writer for the Governor of New York and Vice President Nelson A. Rockefeller.

And so the romantic chapter of the long marriage between FDR and Eleanor came to a close. It became a partnership based primarily on political goals, much like what I strongly assume Bill and Hillary Clinton’s marriage to have been now for many, many years. Wonder how many years it’s been since those two had sex? Twenty years? Thirty?

After their new agreement, Eleanor became active in public life and threw her focus into her social work, rather than into being a dutiful wife, the role she had been attempting to play for the last decade.

While no longer romantic, Eleanor did still hold a close and influential relationship with FDR. She wouldn’t cross a line that would jeopardize his career and his strategies and agendas, and she’d would encourage him to take a harder stand on many things, rather than tabling subjects he found politically difficult. Without Eleanor, there’s a chance FDR wouldn’t have taken a stance on civil rights. In June of 1941, Roosevelt would issue Executive Order 8802, which created the Fair Employment Practice Committee (FEPC). It was the most important federal move in support of the rights of African-Americans between Reconstruction and the Civil Rights Act of 1964. The President's order stated that the federal government would not hire any person based on their race, color, creed, or national origin. The FEPC enforced the order to ban discriminatory hiring within the federal government and in corporations that received federal contracts. Millions of African American men and women achieved better jobs and better pay as a result.

Eleanor also clearly loved and cared for FDR

11.1921: In August 1921, FDR was diagnosed with polio while on vacation with his family at Capobello Island, New Brunswick, Canada.

He was enjoying a day of sailing on his yacht when he suddenly fell overboard into the icy waters of the Bay of Fundy, which ironically felt paralyzing to his body. The following day, FDR complained of lower back pain and went for a swim in hopes to ease the soreness. As the day progressed, he could feel his legs becoming weaker and by the third day, he could no longer stand and hold his own weight. His skin quickly became very sensitive and eventually even a slight breeze across his body caused great distress.

Eleanor was the one who took charge of the situation and began to contact a handful of doctors, hoping one of them would be able to find a remedy to his unknown infirmity. One of these doctors was Dr. Keen who insisted the issue stemmed from a blood clot located in the lower spinal cord and recommended that he receive lumbar massages daily in order to help circulation. Days later, FDR was notified by Dr. Keen that his earlier diagnosis was incorrect and instead he claimed the distress was being caused by spinal lesion. The massage therapy continued but did not prove to be successful in curing the paralysis.

On August 25, 1921, another physician, Dr. Robert Lovett, diagnosed FDR with infantile paralysis (i.e. polio). Polio is a virus that destroys nerve cells in the spinal cord. And, before a vaccine was developed and in their d world countries where there is no vaccine, it hits some people a lot harder than others. 70% of people infected never exhibit symptoms. Many who do regain full use of their limbs. But not FDR.

Again - vaccinate your kids! You can vaccinate against polio but you can’t cure it. If don’t get vaccinated and catch it, you can’t just get a penicillin shot to guarantee your legs are still gonna work.

What a strange affliction for FDR to come down with. It was uncommon for a man of 39 to come down with polio. Most people acquired the disease during infancy, but most children become immune to the disease by the age of four. Lovett explained that in order for a person to combat poliomyelitis, they must be in good emotional and physical health and have a healthy immune system. FDR though the stressful life of politics might have made him susceptible to the disease and he stepped away from politics for awhile.

Again - must be nice. Not to come down with polio, BUT, to have the family money to be able to walk away from your career at 39 when you don’t feel good. And, how stressful can your career really be when you don’t need it to pay your bills? I don’t know. Maybe it’s harder being super duper rich than I realize. From the outside, it seems FANTASTIC.

FDR would be remain partially paralyzed from the legs down permanently and Eleanor had to fight with Sara about FDR’s future. She persuaded him to stay in politics, despite Sara’s objections for him to retire. Eleanor impressed FDR’s doctors during his recovery, one doctor even proclaiming Eleanor to be “one of my heroines” because of her devotion to FDR during this time.

Following FDR’s Polio diagnosis in 1921, Eleanor began to make more public appearances, standing in for her husband, pun intended.

Eleanor really started to become a prominent political figure after FDR came down with polio. He now needed her and had to rely on her like never before. She was coached by FDR advisor Louis Howe, and became a great orator and political power. She worked with the Women’s Trade Union League to raise funds to support their goals of a 48-hour work week, a minimum wage, and abolishing child-labor She became an influential leader in the Democratic Party in New York, and networked for her Franklin. She made friends with the women of the party to strengthen FDR’s standing with New York Democrats while he worked on recovering.

12.Jan. 1922: In January 1922, FDR was fit with braces that locked in at the knee and continued the length of his leg, and by the spring of that year he could stand with assistance. He wanted to heal enough to resume his political career and he knew that if he couldn’t stand it wasn’t happening. He knew America, at least the America of the 1920s, would not vote someone in a wheelchair into an important political office. He was a tough dude. Wasn’t gonna let polio stop him.

Eleanor may have been even tougher.

13.1924: She had her principals and refused to back down from them. In 1924, she campaigned for Democrat Alfred E. Smith in his successful re-election bid as governor of New York State against the Republican nominee and her first cousin Theodore Roosevelt, Jr. Son of the man who gave her away at her wedding.

Her aunt Bamie, once being a source of inspiration to her, publicly broke ties with her and would never forgive her for campaigning against her own family, saying, “I just hate to see Eleanor let herself look as she does. Though never handsome, she always had to me a charming effect. Alas and alack, ever since politics have become her choicest interest, all her charm has disappeared!”

Wow. Cheap shot Aunt Bamie! Attacking that sore spot of her looks. Low blow. Getting in her head. Bringing back all those memories of her asshole mom.

Eleanor hit back and said she was an “aged woman”. Teddy Jr. was defeated by 105,000 votes and never forgave his cousin Eleanor. Little tension for sure over that at future family functions.

“Teddy, do you mind not being a sore loser and passing the grilled artichoke?”

“Why don’t you have your husband get it for you Eleanor, or is he too busy being paralyzed!!”

14. 1928: In 1928, Eleanor again campaigned for Smith, this time in his run for presidency. He lost but she did campaign for a winning candidate as well that year - her husband. FDR ran for governor of NY, to take over the seat Smith had left vacant. And FDR won. That must have of really pissed off Teddy Jr.

During his term, Eleanor traveled all across the state of NY, made speeches, and inspected state facilities on FDR’s behalf, reporting back to him. Eleanor became so much more involved than she ever would have had he not contracted polio. He couldn’t walk and see things for himself so she did it for him.

She also taught upper-level classes in American Literature and history, and encouraged independent thought about current events and social engagement at the Todhunter School for Girls, an institution she helped buy in 1927. It was a finishing school that offered college prep classes in NYC, Eleanor taught 3 days a week until FDR was elected president in 1932.

She also helped run Val-Kill industries, a small factory to provide supplemental income for local farming families who would make furniture, pewter, and homespun cloth using traditional craft methods. In 1927, she and three friends she’d met through her activities in the Women's Division of the New York State Democratic Party, Nancy Cook, Marion Dickerman, and Caroline O'Day, had established Val-Kill, locating on the banks of a stream that flowed through the Roosevelt family estate in Hyde Park. I’m sure mother-in-law LOVED that.

(ANNA) “Franklin! Why do you allow your wife to run some sort of Bohemiam commune on our family’s sacred grounds?? Why they’re probably drinking moonshine and listening to jazz down there! Our neighbors must think we’re socialists!”

Capitalizing on the popularity of the Colonial Revival, most Val-Kill furniture products were modeled on eighteenth-century designs. Eleanor loved her business and promoted Val-Kill via interviews and in her public appearances.

Unfortunately, it never became what it was envisioned to be, but it laid the ground work for New Deal initiatives later during FDR’s tenure as president.

How random and cool is that? Future first lady running some sort of hippy, artisan furniture shop.

Presidential Period

15. 1932: 1932 was a huge deal for Eleanor and FDR, her husband decided to run for President and she was deeply involved in his campaign. A tough campaign during the primary stage. On the first presidential ballot of the Democratic convention, Roosevelt received the votes of more than half but less than two-thirds of the delegates, with Smith finishing in a distant second place. Speaker of the House John Nance Garner, who controlled the votes of Texas and California, threw his support behind Roosevelt after the third ballot, and Roosevelt clinched the nomination on the fourth ballot.

In his acceptance speech, Roosevelt declared, "I pledge you, I pledge myself to a new deal for the American people... This is more than a political campaign. It is a call to arms.” Roosevelt promised securities regulation, tariff reduction, farm relief, government-funded public works, and other government actions to address the Great Depression.

And then Roosevelt crushed it in the general election. He won 57% of the popular vote and carried all but six states.

And I’d go more in depth, but FDR will get his own Suck some day.

16.March 4, 1933: On March 4, 1933, Eleanor Motherfuckin’ Roosevelt is inaugurated as easily the most badass First Lady of the United States of America up until that point in history. Actually, FDR is inaugurated President, BUT, this is a huge day for Eleanor’s own political future as well.

Eleanor redefined how a First Lady handled office. Before her, First Ladies wore swimsuits and were drunk most of the time.

No. That’s weird.

Before Eleanor, First Ladies grilled cheese burgers and farted on the white house lawn and flashed their boobs at truckers.

No. That’s even weirder.

Before Eleanor, First Ladies hosted parties and that was pretty much it, since they had a large staff to maintain the house as it was on display to the public.

Yeah. That one’s correct.

Now, for the first time, a First Lady was doing more than her “wifely” or “motherly” duties. She was taking on social projects that supported FDR’s New Deal. She had the support of her predecessors because they had stopped their feminist activities once they became First Ladies.

She intimidated a lot of D.C. men. They were not always, or even often, fans of a woman being so involved in what they considered a man’s business and they weren’t used to a woman speaking her mind the way Eleanor did. She’d become known as “the most controversial First Lady in United States history” up until that point.

She also quickly became beloved.

In early 1933, the "Bonus Army", a protest group of World War I veterans, marched on Washington for the second time in two years, calling for their veteran bonus certificates to be awarded early. The previous year, President Herbert Hoover had ordered them dispersed, and the US Army cavalry charged and bombarded the veterans with tear gas. How fucked up is that? Attacking veterans peacefully protesting to be taken care of after the war. Shit like that makes my blood boil. Veterans are the only reason any of our lives are worth a shit in this country today.

Well, no tear gas on Ellie’s watch. No sir. No ma’am. This time, They were visited by Eleanor at their muddy campsite, listening to their concerns and singing army songs with them. The meeting defused the tension between the veterans and the administration, allowing them to negotiate. One of the marchers later commented, "Hoover sent the Army. Roosevelt sent his wife.”

She stood up for the little guy, even when she didn’t agree with all of his views. a) Work with Miners: One of her main areas of concern for US labor was the Miners. They had unionized during the Depression and those who participated in activities were blackballed from being hired. She proposed a resettlement community in Arthurdale, West Virginia. The idea was that they could make a living by farming, making handicrafts, and by working at a local manufacturing plant. She wanted the project to be a model community to have workers cared for and it went along with FDR’s New Deal ideals, so he was all for it.

Initially, it didn’t work at all. They tried using prefabricated houses (the failed part) but in 1934 they tried it again with “every modern convenience” which means (get ready to be impressed!) indoor plumbing and central steam heating!

Families occupied the homes in June with 30 year loans. Eleanor wanted a racially mixed community, the miners insisted on it being a white christian community (they even voted on it). This excluded black and jewish miners.

People are so goddamn ignorant sometimes. “Hell yes I want to live in a government subsidized modern home with heat and indoor plumbing - I sure would like a helping hand! HOWEVER - I’ll keep my dirty, starving kids living in the squalor of a cold cabin and a dirty out house if it means I don’t have to live around the Jews and the Negroes!” Unbelievable. If it were me I would’ve been tempted to let ‘em suffer after voting that down - you want to be that ignorant - then go fuck yourselves! But I guess that doesn’t break the cycle of ignorance, does it? But Eleanor was a much better person than I am. And smarter. And she wanted to help them anyway.

The racism of this event did motivate Eleanor to take a stand on racial equality. Despite her disappointment in their backwards racial views, she didn’t give up on helping this project. She raised money for the community for years and even spent her own money. Both sides of the aisle didn’t really like the project and conservatives called it a socialist and a “communist” plot, and democrats said it put government in competition with private enterprise. It was also expensive with all those modern amenities like plumbing and heating (I forgot how much I love indoor plumbing and heating). It was considered a failure overall because it was very expensive and dependent on outside assistance. But the residents loved it and it allowed many of them to re-enter the economy and be self-sufficient so Eleanor considered it a success and loved seeing the improvements in people’s lives. b) Racial equality: She was a very early and powerful advocate for civil rights and racial equality. One of her best friends was Mary Mcleod (pronounced McCloud) Bethune. Mary was born from slaves, she worked the cotton fields (she picked 250lbs/ day at 9 years old), and then she opened a school for black girls in Florida out of a four room cottage in 1904 with only 5 students.

Through her tenacity and resourcefulness in fundraising, the school expanded to include 250 students just two years later. The school gained in popularity and eventually merged with the Cookman Institute for Men in Jacksonville to form Bethune-Cookman College in 1923. As its original founder, Bethune served as president of this institution, one of the nation's few colleges open to black students, until 1942. With such success, Mary became a leader in the black community and the feminist community. She founded the National Council of Negro Women in New York in 1935.

And Eleanor loved her.

And she made sure her husband knew about Mary. There’s something about Mary!

FDR appointed Mary as Director of the Division of Negro Affairs of the National Youth Administration (1936-1943) where she excelled immensely because of her love of education.

Eleanor and FDR were both strong advocates for education as well - they believed they had to empower the future, and Bethune was right on board with that. She was one of FDR’s most trusted advisors of the unofficial black cabinet.

Mary came to the White House often, and in Eleanor’s same ball-busting attitude, she always insisted Bethune sat right next to her. Applauding "her wisdom and her goodness,” Eleanor dedicated a "My Day" column in memoriam to the black educator at the time of the latter's death in 1955. They were true friends.

To avoid problems with the staff when Bethune would visit the White House, Eleanor would meet her at the gate, embrace her, and walk in with her arm-in-arm. Eleanor broke a butt-ton of traditions. Especially by inviting African-American guests to the White House. She resigned from the Daughters of the American Revolution because they denied Marian Anderson (a black singer) from the use of Washington’s Constitution Hall in 1939. She arranged another concert on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and presented her to the King and Queen of England and had her perform at a White House dinner. Love it. She refused to succumb to the ignorance of so many of her peers.

Eleanor lobbied behind the scenes for the 1934 Costigan- Wagner Bill to make lynching a federal crime, including arranging a meeting between Franklin and NAACP president Walter Francis White.

Fearing he would lose the votes of Southern congressional delegations for his legislative agenda, however, Franklin refused to publicly support the bill, which proved unable to pass in the Senate. Eleanor came out in 1937 and publicly condemned a lynching, which was unheard of for a First Lady.

Between 1882 and 1968 more than 3,500 African Americans were murdered by lawless white mobs. There were 28 such murders in 1933 alone. The victims were often tortured, beaten, burned alive and hanged. Almost no one was arrested or convicted for these crimes. In 1934, Mrs. Roosevelt joined the NAACP and started working with its leader Walter White to help pass federal anti-lynching legislation.

This is HUGE! Talking about lynching as a white person, especially as a white woman, just did not happen. Which is tragic, because lynching was sickeningly common and zero repercussions were felt by the white perpetrators of crimes against black citizens.

Eleanor gave a LOT of fucks about civil rights and she grew so popular among African-Americans, previously a reliable Republican voting block, that they became a consistent base of support for the Democratic Party.

Eleanor was also a prolific writer, spreading her ideals in print.

17.1935: She started writing a column called “My Day” in 1935 and kept writing it until 1962, 6 days per week. Fuck. And I thought I was kicking out a lot of content recently. I got NOTHING on ER.

FYI - there’s a link in the show notes on the Timesuck app to a website that has archived all of her old My Day articles. |

Eleanor discussed whatever she felt was important: race, women, key events. The column gave her a voice to spread her ideas. She was the first First Lady to write a daily newspaper column - what she was doing was truly unprecedented. No American woman had ever used a media platform in this way before. Or had access to one.

At it’s height, it was published in 90 papers all over the nation. She also made money off her column. While she had a crazy inheritance, she also wanted to make her own money for her own independence. She matched FDR’s presidential salary of $75,000. Haha. Love it. Not only making as much as a man - making as much as a President!

She was a busy bee. She lectured, wrote for newspapers and magazines. She even hosted a weekly radio show. She wanted to stay connected to the citizens and voters. Wow. She’s doing about 1,000 times more good each day in the world than either of her parents ever did in their cumulative existences.

She hosted weekly press conferences exclusively to women journalists so that they could have big scoops and to give them things to report on. She did this because at the time, female journalists had a hard time getting hired and were the first to be let go because they didn’t have anything to write about.

Eleanor created her women only weekly press conferences so that these women would be irreplaceable at their newspapers and magazines.

I think sometimes certain men get pissed at stuff like this because it feels unfair. “How is it okay to combat men not giving women chances by giving chances to women at the expense of men?” Because that’s the only way these women ever got chances! Eleanor wasn’t trying to put women above men, she was trying to bring them up to an equal place.

She also had a VERY busy travel schedule. She made tons of appearances at labor meetings to assure the workers of the Depression so they knew the White House was working for them.

Eleanor developed a relationship with the American Youth Congress leading to the formation of the National Youth Administration (part of the New Deal in 1935) that focused on providing work and education for young Americans between 16 and 25. She cared a lot about the youth of America, saying: ”I live in real terror when I think we may be losing this generation. We have got to bring these young people into the active life of the community and make them feel that they are necessary.”

She was always in FDR’s ear about civil rights for races and genders. Whenever there was a nomination, she always made sure that at least one woman was included on the list. He would always give some remark saying he must have missed it, or he could have sworn that there was one included and then fix the problem immediately.

She dealt with a lot of sexism. It was the norm at that time. Not just from FDR. She had to quit many of her endeavors because it brought about SO much negative publicity that it hurt the causes she often worked for. Many people were not fans of the First Lady having so much influence of the President. Luckily, more people didn’t have a problem with it. He won four fucking elections.

18. Early 1940s: She was incredibly active during WWII in the early 1940s. During WWII, she traversed the ocean despite the Nazi submarines that posed a threat to any passenger ship. She was utterly terrified, but she made the trip anyway to speak with Prime Minister Churchill. She was almost like an ambassador of FDR’s policies. She visited the South Pacific, and even earned the trust of the military leadership to go to Guadal Canal where active fighting was still happening. She visited many active military during the war and listened to their concerns. Of course, she was met with negativity that she was spending tax-payer money on this trip. More often than not, she funded her own trips personally.

Following the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941, Roosevelt spoke out against Japanese-American prejudice, warning against the "great hysteria against minority groups.” When her husband, under some political pressure, passed Executive Order 9066, which required Japanese- Americans in many areas of the U.S. to enter, she publicly defended the rights of Japanese Americans and was widely criticized for it. The Los Angeles Times that she be "forced to retire from public life" over her stand on the issue.

Wow. That’s scary. The press telling someone to shut up for defending the rights of a minority group in the US. Reminder that you should never feel beholden to the moral laws of the times that you live in. Follow only the universal moral law of treating others as you yourself would want to be treated. Yeah Christians, I like a lot of your ethical principles. Give others the respect their due as an equal member of the human race.

19. April 12, 1945: On April 12th, 1945, Franklin dies after suffering a cerebral hemorrhage. He’d been in declining health since at least 1940. In addition to the polio, he’d been a chain smoker his entire adult life. He had high blood pressure and congestive heart failure. AND, doctors had been continually removing small metal objects, such as little pewter figurines, the kind you use for battle recreations and such, from his rectum for years. It’s estimated that somewhere around 5 pounds of metal was removed from FDR’s rectal cavity over the last decade of his life. So weird. No one knows how any of it got in there.

On March 29, 1945, Roosevelt had gone to the Little White House at Warm Springs, Georgia, his personal retreat, to rest before his anticipated appearance at the founding conference of the United Nations. On the afternoon of April 12, Roosevelt said, "I have a terrific pain in the back of my head." He then slumped forward in his chair, unconscious, and was carried into his bedroom. The president's attending cardiologist, Dr. Howard Bruenn, diagnosed the medical emergency as a massive cerebral hemorrhage. At 3:35 p.m. that day, Roosevelt died.

His mistress, Lucy Mercer Rutherford, was with him when he died. Eleanor and FDR’s child, Anna, had apparently put together his final meeting with Lucy. Fairly unconventional family dynamics.

Please tell me at least a few of you believed me about FDR getting little metal guys stuck up his ass. Pounds of them. That’d make me happier than the ol’ Sea Chicken lie I pulled of in the Bermuda Triangle episode.

While Eleanor did love FDR in her way, she also felt relieved when he died. She finally had a life that didn’t revolve around someone else’s agenda. Her kids were grown - her youngest was almost 30 - and she could essentially do as she wished. She had money, name recognition, political influence, and she could do as she pleased.

Her kids were a bunch of hot messes. Not entirely unsuccessful, some would go on to have minor political careers themselves, but they would lead tumultuous lives. Two of her kids would end up getting married five times each. Fuck. Four divorces! I’ve been through one divorce and I can’t imagine going through three more. If for any reason I found myself single again, which I hope I don’t - I hope I just remain alone. There’s so much good TV. So many causes to work on. Alone is okay. Four divorces. So much pain in the ass. Not quite FDR metal figurine pain in the ass, but still a lot. So much. Another kid was married four times, another three times, and the remaining kid only married twice.

Part of all this turmoil has to be blamed on Eleanor. She was an amazing woman, NOT an amazing mom. She let her crazy mother-in-law raise her kids without putting up much of a fight.

But - no one’s perfect! She did more overall good in the world than most amazing parents have ever done.

20.1945: In December of 1945, Harry Truman (her hubby’s successor/VP) appointed her as delegate to the UN General Assembly.

21.1946: In April 1946 she became the first chairperson of the preliminary UN Commission on Human Rights. She basically wrote the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. It set out, for the first time, fundamental human rights to be universally protected for International citizens. Truman called her the “First Lady of the World”. In a speech on the night of September 28, 1948, Eleanor spoke in favor of the Declaration, calling it "the international Magna Carta of all men everywhere”. It was adopted by the General Assembly on December 10, 1948. The vote was unanimous with 8 abstentions (6 soviet countries, South Africa and Saudi Arabia). 48 nations agreed to it. The soviet countries abstained mostly because of Article 13, which provided the right of citizens to leave their countries, which luckily for us kept serial killer Andrei Chikatilo in Rostov!

“What big deal?? I want come to America and sight see. I want see statue of liberty, and wrassle Lady Freedom until cumming. I want see Whitehouse - sex wrassle capitalists on lawn. I want eat steak, wear star and stripe sweat pants, choke soft shame cock at Lincoln Mermorial, maybe live in ‘Merica. Open gymnasium, teach pelvic thrust wrestling moves to capitalist youth. I bother no one.”

Eleanor also served as the first United States Representative to the United Nations Commission on Human Rights and stayed on at that position until 1953, even after stepping down as chair of the Commission in 1951. The UN posthumously awarded her one of its first Human Rights Prizes in 1968 in recognition of her work.

She campaigned against JFK in the primaries for the Democratic ticket, but ultimately, he asked when he won for her blessing and she gave it to him. 22.1949: In 1949, she was made an honorary member of the historically black organization Alpha Kappa Alpha.

23.1960: In April 1960, Roosevelt was diagnosed with aplastic anemia soon after being struck by a car in New York City.

24.In 1961, President Kennedy's undersecretary of labor, Esther Peterson proposed a new Presidential Commission on the Status of Women. Kennedy appointed Roosevelt to chair the commission, with Peterson as director. Tough lady! 76 yeas old, hit by a car, and still working in politics.

This was Roosevelt's last public position however. She died just before the commission issued its report. It concluded that female equality was best achieved by recognition of gender differences and needs, and not by an Equal Rights Amendment.

25.1962: In 1962, she was given steroids, which activated a dormant case of tuberculosis in her bone marrow and she died of resulting cardiac failure at her Manhattan home at 55 East 74th Street on the Upper East Side on November 7, 1962, at the age of 78, and ascended directly into Nimrod’s eternal and glorious sack of everlasting life where she now consults Bojangles on how to best implement Nimrod’s will to the Suck faithful! And sometimes he listens but not always because no one, other than Nimrod, gets to tell Bojangles what to do, not even Eleanor Motherfuckin’ Roosevelt.

Eleanor lived at Campabello - just outside of Lubec, Maine in Canada towards the end of her life, the first place she felt was hers, and not over run by her mother-in-law. Her funeral was attended by 3 presidents (former and present) and was at Hyde Park. She was buried in the garden next to FDR. At the services, Adlai Stevenson said: "What other single human being has touched and transformed the existence of so many?", adding, "She would rather light a candle than curse the darkness, and her glow has warmed the world.

And that Mothersuckers, takes us out of this Timesuck Timeline.

PAUSE TIMESUCK TIMELINE

V. The context of Eleanor’s life. A. Wow. Pretty epic life, right? Inspiring. She accomplished so much. And she did as a woman when the deck was so stacked against her.

The 19th amendment (women's suffrage) was passed August 18th, 1920. Eleanor was 36 at this point. She went 36 years of her life, birthed 6 children, and campaigned vigorously for her husband and his associates for half of her life before she was even allowed to vote.

She was way ahead of her time in being a white woman that cared about the rights of minorities. She was born just 20 years after the Civil War and many people were still alive that had been born into slavery.

She was a part of high society, one of those Swells!, which meant she was taught how to be a wealthy wife and home maker. She was raised to make babies.

She broke the silent role of wives. She had opinions, she loved learning, and being a part of the conversation. This was the opposite of what people expected of her. In addition to this, she spoke up for women whenever she could.

She never got to see the civil rights act passed. But she did live through the Great Depression and helped end it. She lived through both world wars. She saw the creation of the UN. She wrote the Declaration of Human Rights, because she saw what it was like to not have rights.

But all of that isn’t enough for some people. And those people are called Idiots of the Internet.

PAUSE IDIOTS OF THE INTERNET

VI.Idiots of the Internet

A. Under a Youtube Eleanor Roosevelt - American Experience video published by user Edward G.L. II - an excellent, well produced bio-doc.

User R.M. Earles posted, “What a load of CRAP!!!! Why didn't she donate her millions to alleviate the suffering of the poor in her country!?!!?!?? Typical demo without doubt and a sex manic to boot!!!!”

Alright, first, let’s address the “sex manic” reference, which I think was supposed to be “sex maniac”. There is a real good chance Eleanor was bisexual if not gay. And if you’re thinking, “But she had all those kids!” Yes, gay people have kids all the time. Closeted gay people. Maybe she didn’t like sex with FDR because he had the wrong parts.

There’s a book called Eleanor and Hick: The Love Affair That Shaped a First Lady where Quinn reveals details from the more than 3,300 letters Eleanor and reporter Lorena Hickok exchanged over 30 years.The book quotes one letter in which Eleanor wrote to Hickok, who was openly gay: “Oh! how I wanted to put my arms around you in reality instead of in spirit. I went and kissed your photograph instead and the tears were in my eyes. Please keep your heart in Washington as long as I’m here for most of mine is with you!”

Okay, so she also had at least one affair in this marriage of convenience. Not sure that makes her a sex maniac. And - how dare you fucking criticize her for not helping the poor you waste of flesh! I googled R.M. Earles and nothing of significance comes up because you haven’t done anything of significance. How much have you given to the poor? I’m guessing absolutely nothing.

She dedicated her life to helping the less fortunate. And for this shit head, it’s not enough. Yeah - but she’s still rich! So fucking what. Always hate it when people who do nothing criticize others for not doing enough.

B. User Carlos Perez comments, “That’s a dude.” Haha. Get it!?! GET IT!?! Because she doesn’t look AS traditionally feminine as some other women. What the fuck. I know a lot of people think simplistic, obvious shit like that is funny, but why are you coming to an Eleanor Roosevelt documentary in the first place if this is your sense of humor? Just to troll? Much like the previous poster, have fun not amounting to shit in life. Be the guy who just takes the cheap shots against those whose significance you’re intellectually incapable of understanding.

C. And then, we have today’s dumbest of the dumb. User Redolentone, who posts “ She, he like all royal families so to say was a high bread transexual. Her husband the tranny too. These people are all positioned like in Hollywood for their missions and what they represent. Like going to the movies and they play their parts well. It is their job.”

Huh? Wow.

I clicked on Redolentone to find out more about them. They have one video and it was NOT what I expected. They didn’t upload it, they just subscribed to a playlist of spa-like relaxation music. Guess they need something to take the edge off when they start thinking about that Hollywood elite, transexual, royal agenda!

Wow what a fucking moron! On so many levels.

First off, Eleanor Roosevelt wasn’t a transexual. She identified as a woman her entire life. May have been, probably was bisexual or gay, not transexual. And FDR never identifies as anything other than as a straight dude. So, first off, you’re just making up shit. Second, tranny is offensive, that’s a cheap, derogatory term thrown around by ignorant bigots, so you’re fucking ignorant.

Third, what missions are they carrying out? Always attack and plans, and agendas, and missions. What are they? What are they being positioned to do? Usually this kind of talk leads back to demons and Devils and Satan because these superstitious dumb shits aren’t any less ignorant than European peasants worrying about demons and devils in the Dark Ages. It’s backward, uneducated, anti-intellectual drivel. Willfully ignorant.

All these Capital Hill and Hollywood Elite Illuminati puppets! That’s how they got be famous! They sold their souls! That’s how the Rockefellers and the Roosevelts made their fortunes, by signing secret pacts with evil doers! Nope. They got it because their family trees had a lot shinier apples than yours did. Their ancestors were given more opportunities than yours were. It’s not fair, but, it’s not part of a secret agenda. Stars don’t sell their souls. They usually work really hard, like thousands of other actors, but happen to get some nice lucky breaks along the way, and are smart enough to capitalize on them. The world isn’t full of secrets.

It is however, full of Idiots of the Internet, and we will continue to mock them rather than ignore them thus tacitly embracing their wanton ignorance.

I’m not genius. You’ve heard enough of my fuckups to know that by now. But, at least, unlike Redolentone, I’m trying not to be an idiot of the internet!

PAUSE IDIOTS OF THE INTERNET OUTRO

VII.Conclusions A. So. Eleanor Roosevelt. What a bright shining light she was. Not perfect. We humans never are. But so inspiring. She could’ve so easily followed in the footsteps of her parents, or in the footsteps of so many of her other relateives and lived a life of decadence and leisure, getting fucked up on champagne every day, or traipsing around Europe, galavanting around the world like a dandy ol’ Swell! But she didn’t. She fought for social justice. Love how in some people’s minds Social Justice Warrior is a derogatory title - “how dare you try and make the world a better place!”

She fought for women’s rights, she fought for the rights of minorities and the poor. She fought for veterans. She seemed, consistently really, when it came to public policy and politics, to do what was right regardless of what people thought about her.

For a kid who was taunted for being unattractive, she sure turned out to be a truly beautiful soul. And let’s take another look back at her with some Top Five Takeaways.

PAUSE TOP FIVE TAKEAWAYS INTRO

VIII.Top Five Takeaways 1. Number one: Eleanor Roosevelt lost both her parents, neither who were very good at parenting, early in life and was surrounded by people more than happy to do as little as humanly possible to help others through the family’s money and connections. And she decided to do arguably more for others than any other woman of her lifetime.

2. Number two: FDR and Eleanor remained married until death did them apart but both may have very well have had lifelong affairs. Heroes can be just as complicated as the rest of us.

3. Number three: Eleanor redefined what it means to be the First Lady, not content to be, essentially, a dinner party hostess and party planner. She communicated more with the general public and left a greater political legacy as a First Lady than many actual Presidents.

4. Number four: Eleanor was torment by the mother-in-law from Hell for all but the last four years of her marriage. Note to all moms - cut the fucking cord and let your kids be autonomous adults. And if you do happen to live in the same house as them, let them run their own family. You already had your crack at that. If you blew it the first time around, tough shit.

5. Number five - new info! The new info for today is my favorite Eleanor Roosevelt quotes. Here’s the first. a) “Do what you feel in your heart to be right—for you’ll be criticized anyway. You’ll be damned if you do, and damned if you don’t.” —Eleanor Roosevelt

Or how about this one?

b) “Courage is more exhilarating than fear and in the long run it is easier. We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just a step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down.” - You Learn By Living (1960), 41

And here’s a great one about religion and nationalism.

c) “The important thing is neither your nationality nor the religion you professed, but how your faith translated itself in your life.” - “My Day," 23 September 1943

And the last one reminds of my favorite quote of all time.

d) “My greatest fear has always been that I would be afraid - afraid physically or mentally or morally and allow myself to be influenced by fear instead of by my honest convictions.”

Reminds of that great lyric from Rage Against the Machine’s “Vietnow”. “Fear is your only God”. My favorite quote ever. Fear is your, fear is your, fear is your only God! Fear is your, fear is your, fear is your only God!

Yeah, you don’t always get McDonalded. Sometimes, maybe you’ll get De La Rocha-did

PAUSE TOP FIVE TAKEAWAYS OUTRO

IX. Ending Announcements

X. THE APP: Episode 66, second to last show of 2017, done and done. Christmas show is the last to check off the list. Hope you enjoyed this one - I did. I needed it. Needed some light and inspiration.

If you don’t already, listen to Timesuck on the new Timesuck App. The Contact the show button has been submitted to the update Gods and is likely there by the time you hear this. The Bit Elixir dudes are troubleshooting it right now. Send in topic requests and updates via the app. Making it so easy! Also, if you don’t see the new episodes show up, refresh the feed by pulling down on the episode list. Same way you refresh most apps. And if it’s in the system, it’ll pop right up!

Thanks again for rating the app everyone in the Apple and in the Google Play store - really appreciate that. Ratings anywhere and everywhere help so, so, so much! Over 2100 ratings for the show on iTunes - that is really helping to spread the suck. Gotta figure out the options for the next Bonus suck soon. January 5th will be Bonus Suck 15!

More merch getting restocked! Hoodies and Pullovers are in and flying off the shelves! And they look fucking good. Get that 400% Cult of the Curious arctic fox tail hoodie - I know sometimes I saw “arc-tic”. They are available now as is the green, Space Lizard Cult of the Curious 605% hummingbird tail feather pull over. AND - the red men’s 251% domestic starved, elderly moleskin Hail Nimrod shirt is in. Hoping the mens and women’s Cult of the Curious shirts will hit the store very early this week as will the women’s red Hail Nimrod tee. I heard Danger Brain has the colors dialed in now. I like that they want it perfect!! Hail Nimrod!

A. Recorded this one in the Suck Dungeon today. In the Suck House. Just didn’t use all the new equipment because my audio engineer’s not here to get it all rolled out. Hoping next Monday’s episode, the Christmas Suck, will be the first time using all the new toys.

Still don’t have all the Timesuck episodes on Youtube. The problem is wifi upload speed. I have business class wifi now and it still takes an hour or more to upload each one of those fuckers. But - cranking away. Marching ever forward.

Special thanks to Timesuckers Anna M, my sister Donna Hale, and anyone else who suggested this topic, including Bojangles’ very own research intern, Maddie Teater! Maddie killed the research on this one which saved my ass during a VERY busy two episode lot of stand up shows week.

Thanks to Sydney Shives for killing it on social media and Harmony Vellekamp for all of her kick ass positive energy help on social media as well. Thanks to Jesse Dobner for crushing it again with the editing. Thanks to all of you who wrote in this past week. Every email is appreciated.

3. NEXT WEEK: This Monday- Timesuck 67 - Christmas Day, we’re diving into Einstein. Ol’ Albert. I believe he will be our first Jewish subject. Long overdue. Almost all I know about this guy is that he’s a genius. But I don’t know why. I don’t even remember what E=MC squared means, but I know it’s related to him. And that he was bad at math in school when he was young or something. Sorry you murder lovers - just can’t do a murder suck on Christmas. Doesn’t feel right. So let’s get smart. Let’s get inspired. Let’s get Einsteined.

And now, it’s time, for Timesucker Updates.

PAUSE TIMESUCKER UPDATES INTRO

XI.TIMESUCKER UPDATES UPDATES:

1. First update. Little shoutout to Timesucker John Porter. His wife, Amber Porter wrote in telling me what a huge fan of the show you are John and I appreciate it! Hail Nimrod and keep on suckin’.

2. Next updates comes in from Michigan Sucker Timothy Wahmhoff, who says,

Dear King Cummins the Magnificent, You mentioned in Grand Rapids a possible live TimeSuck in February. What is happening with that and what would the dates be? Might catch you in Detroit for the swap-cast as well. Also, Hercules is not a Biblical figure, even though he's obviously buried in a shaft on Oak Island. Samson would be the Biblical strongman. Keep on Suckin’

Okay - regarding the Grand Rapids Suck - I apparently jumped the gun announcing the date. Should’ve spoke with my agent first. I am going to figure out a date for a live podcast in Grand Rapids, or, I should say, the venue and my agent will figure it out, I just don’t know, at this time, exactly when that will be.

Trying to figure out dates for Madison, WI and elsewhere also. This stuff, for whatever reason, always just takes longer than I think it will. Everything takes longer than I think it should - I have zero patience.

Regarding Hercules - damn it! I fucked up. Yes, of course, Samson is the Biblical strongman. I got my old time strong men confused! Sorry about that. I will stomp the skulls of several cocker spaniel puppies to appease Nimrod for my transgression.

3. Another message from the Oak Island suck from James Pitt. Thanks for your input on reality shows during the Oak Island Timesuck. As Law Enforcement Officers, we often talk about the reality shows about guns and how embarrassing it was to watch the family from American Guns. For one, the daughter is dressed like Daisy Duke over dosed on silicone and borderline flirts with her brother. Then we noticed in one episode where they do a slow motion shot of a bullet from a 30 caliber rifle hitting a bottle of champagne. While the bottle shattered we noticed that the bullet bounced off of the bottle, not even breaking the paper label attached. Instant fury at the lie. Then on the other show Sons of Guns, the father/daughter owners weren’t even allowed to sell guns in their shop because an ATF raid discovered multiple weapons missing. The employees on that show were the actual owners, but Discovery had a contract and they all had to play a part. Oh yeah and the Dad was a fuckin’ incestuous child molester (chomo for short). Had to vent to you because it sounds like you get it. Hail Nimrod and all praise to you, Cleric of Jangelism. May you show us the path to our own third leg.

Thank you James and much respect for you and your fellow officers. Without you guys we devolve into anarchy. Whenever people talk shit about the police, I always think, yeah, some officers are dicks. There are dicks in every profession. But most are good people keeping your ass safe. Hate cops? Wish they weren’t around? Think about that the next time someone breaks into your home or tries carjacking your wife’s SUV.

4. And finally, one last one from Sucker Julie Bennet regarding Pizzagate.

Dear Lord Reverend Suckington, First off, thank you for the amazing podcast! My boyfriend and I finally found a podcast that we both love, and we are dedicated members of the Cult of the Curious. We can’t wait to be Space Lizards. Second, to start off, I want to say I completely agree with you about Pizzagate! This is not a message to tell you how wrong you are. It’s a classic idiots of the internet conspiracy. However, a child sex ring associated with the government is not, unfortunately. I would suggest that you look into the Franklin Credit Union Scandal if you have not already. It is very sad and very hard to read about, but there are many victims who have come out about it, and it has been swept under the rug very well due to the fact that those victims have been made to look insane. Just something I figured you would appreciate looking into. Keep up the amazing work, keep defending your loyal subjects from Lucifina, and keep on sucking! Julie

Well Julie, thank you for writing in! However, gonna have to disagree about the Franklin Credit Union Scandal. I urge you to listen to the Mandela Effect episode, Timesuck 31, where I talk about both False Memory Syndrome and the 80s Satanic pedophile scares that swept the nation and put a lot of innocent people in jail.

A federal grand jury concluded that the Franklin abuse allegations were unfounded and indicted 21-year-old Alisha Owen, an alleged victim, on eight counts of perjury. The same grand jury also indicted multiple officers of the credit union, including King, for crimes related to the embezzlement of funds from the credit union. Alisha Owen served 4-1/2 years in prison. That’s not easy to go to prison for years for false accusations.

The accusations included shit like Satanic orgies and ritual sacrifice and even eating the kids. Look up the McMartin Preschool trial from the 80s. Same shit. Outlandish accusations made by paranoid religious fanatics who still worry about devil worshippers even though we are no longer living in the Dark Ages. Lot of innocent peoples lives were destroyed.

There is real shit going on with politicians - look at all of today’s sex scandals. Look at all the people going down. It’s just not cartoonish scandals involving the devil and cannabalism. It’s dudes abusing positions of power - like so many pedophile priests have done over the years, or how so many female teachers have done lately. That’s the shit we need to look out for.

Don’t worry about some Satanic pedophile ring - worry about your neighbor. It’s the ones right in front of us who are usually the perpetrators.

Anyway - sorry to be a buzz kill again - I just dig and report on what I find. If you have more info that isn’t readily availably on the web, I’d love to see it Julie - I am also open to eating my words and being correct. Thank you!

XII.GOODBYE! A. That’s all for today, and almost all for the year. Hope you all are having an amazing holiday season so far. Happy Hannukuh, Merry Christmas, happy whatever else may be celebrated, talk to you on Christmas, and keep on suckin’! https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2012/6/18/1101080/-In-the-1920s-The- Swells-Paid-25-Income-Tax-The-Depression-Followed http://www.hudsonrivervalley.org/review/pdfs/hvrr_5pt1_white.pdf https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eleanor_Roosevelt http://www.theodorerooseveltcenter.org/Learn-About-TR/TR- Encyclopedia/Family-and-Friends/Elliott-Roosevelt.aspx https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/diphtheria/symptoms- causes/syc-20351897 https://www.geni.com/people/Elliott-Roosevelt-Jr/6000000003681322719 https://www2.gwu.edu/~erpapers/teachinger/glossary/hall-mary.cfm http://www.firstladies.org/biographies/firstladies.aspx?biography=33 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ Home_of_Franklin_D._Roosevelt_National_Historic_Site http://www.chriswhitesucks.com/dp32.shtml http://www.nytimes.com/2008/04/20/weekinreview/20mcgrath.html https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ Franklin_D._Roosevelt#Early_political_career_(1910%E2%80%931920) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ Franklin_D._Roosevelt%27s_record_on_civil_rights https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_E._Persico#Author https://fdrlibrary.org/polio https://www.cdc.gov/polio/about/ https://www2.gwu.edu/~erpapers/myday/ http://www.humanrights.com/voices-for-human-rights/eleanor- roosevelt.html http://people.com/books/new-biography-explores-eleanor-roosevelts- romance-with-a-woman/

Additional Sources: ¥ Eleanor Roosevelt’s Autobiography ¥ The Roosevelts: a 7 part Ken Burns documentary series ◦ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eleanor_Roosevelt#Early_life ¥ https://www2.gwu.edu/~erpapers/mep/displaydoc.cfm?docid=erpo- myday (talks about her column My Day) ¥ http://www.firstladies.org/biographies/firstladies.aspx? biography=33 (this is a good source of a lot of her political work) ¥ http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/features/eleanor- bethune/ (Eleanor and Mary Mcleod Bethune ¥ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7T7ktyyf6Y (speech that you should definitely include) ¥ https://fdr.blogs.archives.gov/2016/02/12/eleanor-roosevelts-battle-to- end-lynching/ (battle to end lynching)