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The Ticker, March 29, 1988

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The Ticker, March 29, 1988 .-. - ~ '....... .,' -.- ... -00 -1932 * ALL THE NEWS- THAT FITS THE PAGE *1911* Vol. 56 No. 13 Baruda~, CUNY March 32, 1988 President Seagull Takes Subway Student Government Funds Religious Cult Figures Baruch Students BY K. E. PARDo Question His Ima Crookards, president of the showing payments made to the Day Session Student Government, Bhagwan and Mrs. Baker. The first Vast Wardrobe emphatically denied charges that was paid to the Bhagwan on the student government has been February 16. He purchased incens­ improperly funding religious and ed air filters and beads for one of df T• ..,. ... Pi ••••, ..... die .Il" IN I II II .. c. aM... cult figures such as the 'Bhagwan Utenlllre Dep t, lie ... tacIIes IIItroclUCtiOD to EalOBlOlogy. his 50 Rolls Royce. When reached By CARMEN MOTO Rajneesh, the Reverend Sun Yung for comment in his home in Moon and his Unification Church, Canada, the Bhagwan said, "Yes Jonathon Livington Seagull, and Tammy Faye Baker. my son, that Ima Crookards is so president of Baruch, has decided to Deceased Marketing Prof. Crookards claimed that all are very, very kind for buying me ac­ begin taking the subway to school, presidents of clubs charted with the cessories for my car. The Baruch OSSG. Although no documenta­ OSSG has been ever so generous in giving up his college-provided ). ­ limousine service, in an un­ Refuses Loss of Tenure tion to verify this could be produc­ this year of my exile." The J characteristic wave of altruism. The ed, Crookards said, "Hey man, you Bhagwan fled this country early last money previously used for Seagull's can't jump to conclusions about im­ year when faced with charges of By MENTAL WARD limo. will now go towards hiring proper funding just because my ver­ tax evasion. more professors to open up more sion of the truth doesn't coincide The second two vouchers, dated During a seance in northern Con­ Company to protest their selling of with the evidence." February 18, were used to purchas­ business course sections for necticut, the ghost of former a disproportionate amount of students. According to college rules, all ed three pounds of rouge, fifteen Marketing Professor, James Bran­ vanilla ice cream, an action which clubs, student organizations, and bottles of mascara and three chisels Said Seagull, HI could no longer son, told those seated around the as usual, has nothing to do with cults must be chartered by the Day for Tammy Faye Baker. Also, a circle he was upset over losing his anything, he was told by Morton Session Student Council. This book, Lily Munster's Guide to j ustify living this iet-set lifestyle, tenured positionas an instructor at - ... knowing that many·poor, suffering Downey Jr. that Branson was charter-must also include a letter of Ghoulishly Good Health and Beau­ Baruch. In a wispy. eery voice he white. Sharpton, apologized pro­ Baruch students were getting closed purpose and a list of at least 10 ty, was bought. We were unable to shouted, UI HAVE TENURE! out ofnurses because of a lack of fusely to the Baruch Administration members. All must be present reach her for comment. But, The JUST BECAUSE I'M DEAD I funds. You know I've been told saying, "If he was white I'm glad before a group may receive student Tickler did receive a mascara-and­ DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T he's dead." that -some of them actually can't fee money. tear stained letter thanking the TEACH!". Baruch's main -argument against - OSSG for its continued generosity graduate. on time because of this?" BraQ~)fJ .teachiilg.;lI -the cOd• Is During the initial search on The American Civil Liberties M:areh 2,. 1988 for DSSG towards Iost causes. While Seagull's presence, 111 the purely Said - ".... ." Union, upon hearfgg Branson's bureaucratic. ·Banicb -documents concerning this matter, Faced with these documents, . _subway has _.s!ve.!!..Jllat!Y ._sJ..u.d.eJlts_ complain t .assigned their bel• resident, Joel SeekBull nWe'v tkir.firsLglim~ -'If...the president, ­ 1Rdaph)'Sical- lawya-t& .~.. ease. .__ ba.d. _ple.ntt__of.. _ 'lie ...... oe8tJe sil, .lid iile i8taizl sources say dealing with New York Baruch. In fact some of our best eaten'ili, on Kyle Northstar. attorney and noted Lexington Avenue. AccOrcfina to not recall her body ever taJdnB a City's mass transit system has not spiritual healer for National En­ teachers have been dead. We are a vote to charter these'two fiBures as fair and impartial school Teachers Medical DJs, tieasurer of-the DSSG, been an easy adjustment for him. quirer will file the charges. Nor­ all other documents held by the stu­ cults or clubs. &CBut. if lrna Said Pablo Eclair, chief academic thstar, one might remember, is the who are tenured can feel comfor­ dent government had been sent out {CrookardsJ says we did then we officer and- pervert, uHe still can't lawyer who won visitation rights for table in the knowledge that they will for copying. Said Dis, "We sent must have, even if there are no get used to the fact that a telephone the deceased Peter Sellers to see his still have their jobs even after those 10 sheets of paper along with minutes of the meeting." Nonsense and a TV set are not immediately daughter. The mother Britt Eklund death." "But," he added, "Bran­ our copy of Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs said. "We all kind of worship him son went one step too far. He's not around here. you know. " available in a subway car." objected saying. U A cemetery is not and Ham, out for reproduction. a corpse, he was cremated. We had The normally unresponsive Meanwhile, rumors are flying the kinda place for a young girl to Ima [Crookards] says they will be spend her weekends." She added, to take his position at the school back in a semester or two after he's Crookards made one final com­ that Seagull, in order to hire more away because it's against the rules. ment. "These charges are a con­ guidance counselors, is giving up "Peter is just not a good father -gone." anymore, he's too lenient with her Ifa teacher cannot be in the annual spiracy to get me. I don't even his CUNY-funded city apartment faculty picture, he loses his tenure. Crookards would not comment know Tammy personally. And as and has actually cut down on his (the daughter)." The case is on ap­ on the absent records. Vice peal. Branson in an urn just won't cut for the Bhagwan, I would never clothing expenditures. The latter it." president Chapter-One Genesis of give my, I mean the students. change was first noticed during the The Reverend Al Sharpton had the DSSG did say, "I am Sam. Sam money to a man who doesn't know Leadership Training Weekend, planned to demonstrate against Northstar has filed charges and I am. Would you like some green the difference between the words when an astute student leader pick­ Baruch College's treatment of hopes to get the rule expanded to eggs and ham.' That's a great quote 'bursar' and 'treasurer' unless he ed up on the fact that Seagull ap­ Branson, by organizing another include urns, pepper shakers. shoe and it is our favorite book." was chartered with the OSSG," he parently owns only one pair of Day of Outrage. However, before boxes, old coke bottles or any A second search for the DSSG said. "They would laugh us off the jeans, and Questioned him about it. he could boycott the Mr. Softee other human ash receptacle. docments produced three vouchers world you know." Crookards challenged the press to keep looking for proof that these were not chartered dubs or cults. TAKING EDUCATION TO NEW HEIGHTS "Since there are no documents that say otherwise. then -I am right," said Crookards. Crookards is a senior at Baruch By BIBI MAKMOID and was twice an assistant national ben applied in over eight New York chairperson for the presidential Under pressure from students, junior high schools and is becoming campaign of Gary Hart, this last faculty and vagrants residing in increasingly popular in over­ year. nearby welfare hotels, a crack-team populated Third World countries. of space analysts hired by Baruch He was featured last month on the College has developed what they cover of Memobouncers Digest in a have dubbed a "futuristic resolu­ story entitled "Students on the Rise: a Surefire Way to Raise In­ tion n to the dilemma of overcrowd­ tellect. " ed classrooms. In the proposal writ­ ten by team leader and "seating There are still a few problems coordinator" Arnold Longform, with the plan that has already cost the answer to the problem lies in ef­ Baruch over $ISO,OOO, a small sum ficient vertide desk placement. when compared to the cost of ren­ Longforrn said, U Just picture in­ ti ng - extra building space. highly futuristic learning centers." writing a tru1script ef a sold-out stead of a square of thirty or forty Longform's assistant. Dr. Eliot TIle ctassesare Contemporary-Pro­ -concert or dtscl ibing an experience I students you can have different Pencilhead, has commented on the blems of Urban Posture, Advanced of learning hishly technical'lllbject levels to fit over one hundred, sort varous U kinks" in the system. Contortion (with a short overview matter from a helicopter hovering of like a three dimensional effect." "Well, you see, to ina-ease the effi­ on the history of gymnastics) and a 20 feet from the instructor equipped Langform's _ tbeory~callcd .
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