Perry groaned as his phone chimed for the umpteenth time that evening. Someone obviously could not get the hint that seven in the fucking morning was not a good time to be trying to reach him. “Motherfucking what...” he mumbled, only reaching for the phone with the vague concern that it could actually be something important and not just Jiyong texting him to ask if he'd really blown the kid last night.
5:48 just got home, can't sleep. So, how was it? Seungri says he gave you head
5:51 kkkkkk
6:10 did you let him fuck you? maknae won't tell me...
6:13 helloooo?
6:17 I tortured Seungri into confession – kkk
6:45 ^_____^
Verse 1
u-yeonhi gireul geodda ne namjal bwasseo (Yeah I saw him)
hokshina haetdeon nae yaegami majaseo (I told you) naega jun banjireul bbaego hanjjoken pal-jjangeul kkigo
geunyang yeogi kajiman marhalke (I don’t wanna hurt you)
geundae o-hiryeo neoneun naege hwareul nae (Why)
geuneun jeoldaero geureol-liga eobdae (Sure you’re right)
naneun ne nunchil salpigo naega jal mot bon georago
geurae neol wihae geotjimal halke (I’m sorry)
CHORUS
Oh nal molla juneun nega miwo i-gidarimi shireo
geu son ije noh-eurago
naega seulpo halddaemyeon naneun chokeul geotman gat-dago baby
geu saekki boda naega mot-hange mwoya
dodaechae wae naneun gachil su eobneun geoya
geu saekki-neun noreul sarang-haneunge aniya eonjaekkaji babogachi ulgoman isseul keoya
Verse 2
neon geu saram yaegil hal ddaen haengbokhae boyeo (You look happy)
ireohke rado useuni joha boyeo (I’m happy)
geureul jeongmal sarang-handago machi yeongwon halkeo rago
midneun ne moseubi I don’t know what to say no mo’
neoye chingu-deul modu geureul jarara (yup they know)
bbeonhi da bo-i-neungeol neoman wae mot bwa (It’s you)
They say love is blind, oh baby you so blind
jebal hae-ohjikireul baralkae
CHORUS
Oh nal molla juneun nega miwo i-gidarimi shireo
geu son ije noh-eurago naega seulpo halddaemyeon naneun chokeul geotman gat-dago baby
geu saekki boda naega mot-hange mwoya
dodaechae wae naneun gachil su eobneun geoya
geu saekki-neun noreul sarang-haneunge aniya
eonjaekkaji babogachi ulgoman isseul keoya
RAP
bissan ja-eh yeppeun-ot gogeub restaurant neon jal eo-uryeo
hajimane yeop geu ex neun jongmal aniya neorang eun an eo-ullyeo
ne apeseo geojit misoreul jieuimyeo ne bolgwa meoritgyeoreul manjimyeo
seokeuron bunmyeong dareun yeojareul saengakhae eojjeom geureol su itni jwae gatae
naega heullin nunmul mankeum naega deo jalhae julkae baby
neo honja kamdang hal apeum naegaedo jom nanweo jullae baby
na jom bwadallago guedae sarangi wae naran geol molla wae noman molla
CHORUS x2
geu saekki boda naega mot-hange mwoya
dodaechae wae naneun gachil su eobneun geoya
geu saekki-neun noreul sarang-haneunge aniya
eonjaekkaji babogachi ulgoman isseul keoya
KOREAN
우우우우우 우우 우 우우 우우 (Yea I saw him)
우우우우우 우 우우우 우우우 (I told you)
우우우 우우우 우우 우우우 우우우 우우
우우우우우우우 우우우 (I don’t wanna hurt you)
우우우우우 우우 우우 우우 우 (Why?)
우우우우우 우우 우우 우우 (Sure you’re right)
우우우 우우 우우우 우우 우 우 우 우우우
우우우 우우 우우우우우 (I’m sorry)
Oh 우우우우우 우우 우우 우 우우우우 우우 우우 우우 우우우우
우우우우우 우우 우우 우우 우우 우우우 baby
우우우우우 우우 우우 우 우우
우우우우 우우 우우 우 우우 우우
우우우우 우우 우우우우 우 우우
우우우우우우우우 우우우 우우 우우
우우 우우 우우 우 우 우우우 우우 (You look happy)
우우우우우우우우 우우 우우 (I’m happy)
우우우우 우우우우우 우우 우우우우우우
우우우 우우우 I don’t know what to say no mo
우우우우우 우우 우우 우 우우 (yup they know)
우우우 우우우우 우우 우 우 우 (It’s you)
They say love is blind Oh baby you so blind
우우우우우우우 우우우
Oh 우우우우우 우우 우우 우 우우우우 우우
우우 우우 우우우우
우우우우우 우우 우우 우우 우우 우우우 baby
우우우우우 우우 우우 우 우우
우우우우 우우 우우 우 우우 우우
우우우우 우우 우우우우 우 우우
우우우우우우우우 우우우 우우 우우 우우우우 우우 우 우우 우우우우 우 우 우우우
우우우우 우 우 X 우우우 우우 우우우 우 우우우
우우우우 우우우우우 우우우 우 우우 우우우우 우우우
우우우우우 우우 우우우 우우우 우우 우우 우 우우 우 우우
우우우우 우우우우 우우 우 우우우우 baby
우우우 우우우 우우 우우우 우 우우우우 baby
우우 우우우우 우우 우우우 우 우우우 우우
우우우 우우
우우우우우 우우 우우 우 우우
우우우우 우우 우우 우 우우 우우
우우우우 우우 우우우우 우 우우
우우우우우우우우 우우우 우우 우우
우우우우우 우우 우우 우 우우
우우우우 우우 우우 우 우우 우우
우우우우 우우 우우우우 우 우우
우우우우우우우우 우우우 우우 우우
These songs are released in physical album/singles or digital release.
I tried to make it as organized as possible. The songs are listed alphabetically with their english titles.
THIS POST WILL BE UPDATED WITH STREAMING/DOWNLOAD LINKS SOON. (If any of you want to contribute please let me know because I don’t think I can upload everything.) **BOLD means complete (with streaming and download links)
I need to use abbreviation:
GD - G-Dragon
TY - Taeyang
DS - Daesung
SR - Seungri
1S - 1st Single
S07 - Since 2007
1st - The Real Live tracks
2nd - The Great Live tracks
SU - Stand Up
TUIB - The Ultimate International Best
BLT - Big Bang + Live tracks
S4.5 - Special Album 4.5
SAL - Shine A Light
L&H - Love and Hope Tour Live tracks
BS - Big Show (Year)
/ - same version but different album/single
| - same song but different version
*NOTE: Big Bang and Bringing You Love is the same album
PLEASE CHECK BECCABLES POST FOR COMPLETE DISCOGRAPHY
UPDATED 08/06/12 1 Year Station – GD – Heartbreaker | SAL
19 (Nineteen) - TOP & SR – 19 OST - DL
A Boy – GD – Heartbreaker
A Fool’s Only Tears – 1S/S07 | 1st | 2nd | BS2011 - DL
A Fool’s Only Tears & I Don’t understand – BS2010
A Good Man – SU | BS2009
Accept Me – TY & Se7en - Se7olution
Act Like Nothing’s Wrong – TOP – Always [Ft. Kim Ji Eun] | 2nd | BS2009
After You Sleep – TY & Swings – Solar
Ain’t No Fun - Alive -Jap Ed.-/Monster -Alive Ed.-
Alive - Intro - Alive
Always – Always/TUIB | 2nd
Always (English Version) – For The World/Number 1 - DL
Always (Japanese version) – Big Bang/BLT - DL
Anystar – GD & Park Bom & Gummy – Digital Single
A-Yo – GD & YG Family – Why Be Normal
Baby Baby (English Version) – With U/Number 1 - DL
Baby Baby (Japanese Version) – BLT/TUIB/Big Bang - DL
Baby, Don’t Cry – DS – S4.5 | BS2011
Baby, I’m Sorry – TY – Hot | Solar Live
Bad Boy - Alive/Still Alive
Bad Boy (Japanese Ver.) - Alive -Jap Ed.-/Monster -Alive Ed.-
Bad Boy – TY & Masta Wu – Masta Peace
Beautiful Hangover – Beautiful Hangover/Big Bang 2 | L&H
Big Bang – BB03 | 1st Big Bang (English Version) – For The World
Big Bang (Intro) - Big Bang – Since 2007
Big Boy – TOP – S07 | 1st | DL
Big Hit! – DS – Digital Single
Bingle Bingle - Still Alive/Monster -Alive Ed.-/Still Alive
Blue - Alive/Still Alive
Blue (Japanese Ver.) - Alive -Jap Ed.-/Monster -Alive Ed.-
Break Down – TY – Solar | Solar Live
Breathe – GD – Heartbreaker | SAL
Bringing You Love – Big Bang/BLT - DL
But I Love You – GD – Hot Issue | 2nd | SAL
Butterfly – GD & Jin Jung – Heartbreaker | SAL
Cafe – Tonight/S4.5 | BS2011
Can You Feel Me – GD & Se7en – Se7olution
Candle (Michitomo remix) – My Heaven
Candle (Together Forever) (Japanese) – Number 1 - DL
Clap Your Hands – TOP & Gummy
Come Be My Lady (English Version) – Number 1 - DL
Connection (English Version) – TY & Big Tone – Solar (Int.Ed.) | Solar Live
Cotton Candy - DS - Digital Single | BS2010
Crazy Dog – Hot Issue | 2nd
D.I.S.C.O. – TOP & Uhm Jung Hwa - D.I.S.C.O.
D.I.S.C.O. Part2 – GD – Uhm Jung Hwa – D.I.S.C.O. Part2 (Digital Single)
Day by day – Asia’s Best/Number 1/TUIB/Stand Up - DL | BS2010
Day by day (Acoustic Ver.) – Remember | BS2011
Day by day (Japanese Ver.) - Monster -Alive Ed.- Day by day (Orchestra Ver.) – 2009 Live Concert – Big Show
Digital Bounce - TOP & Se7en – Digital Bounce
Dirty Cash – S07 | 1st | DL
Dirty Cash (Fan ver.) – 1st Concert Live Album – The Real
Don’t Leave – GD & TOP – High High
Ego - Alive -Jap Ed.-/Monster -Alive Ed.-/Still Alive
Emotion – Big Bang/My Heaven/BLT - DL
Everything – Number 1/TUIB - DL
Fall In Love – TY & Aoyama Thelma – Fall In Love | DL
Family Day – DS & Family Members – Family Outing OST
Fantastic Baby - Alive/Still Alive
Fantastic Baby (Japanese Ver.) - Alive -Jap Ed.-/Monster -Alive Ed.-
Feeling - Alive -Jap Ed.-/Monster -Alive Ed.-/Still Alive
Fly Gentlemen – GD & YG Family - Why Be Normal
Follow Me – Big Bang/BLT - DL
Fool – Hot Issue | 2nd
Foolish Love – Remember
Foolish Love & Oh Ma baby – BS2010
Forever With You – Big Bang 03 | 1st
Friends – TY & TOP – Friend, Our Legend OST | DL
Gara Gara Go!!! – Gara Gara Go!/Big Bang/BLT - DL | BS2010 | L&H
G-Dragon – GD - DaeHanMinGook Hip Hop Flex 2001
G-Dragon - GD & Perry - Perry By Storm
Get Up (Intro) – TY & Lexy – Rush
Get Up and Dance - GD & Seven – Se7olution
Give Me Permission - TY & Se7en – Se7olution Good Bye baby – Big Bang 03 | 1st
Gossip Man – GD & Kim Gun Mo – Heartbreaker | SAL
Gotta Be With U (Intro) – With U
Hallelujah – GD, TY & TOP – Iris OST | BS 2010 | DL
Hands Up – Big Bang 2/Tell Me Goodbye | BS2011 | L&H
Hands Up (Korean Version) - Tonight (Japan Version)
Heartbreaker – GD – Heartbreaker | BS2010 | SAL
Heaven (Orchestra Ver) – BS2009
Heaven – Big Bang – Number 1/SU - DL | BS2010 | BS2011
Hello – GD & Park Sandara – Heartbreaker | SAL
HeoSooAbi – GD & Masta Wu – Masta Peace
High High – GD & TOP – High High/S4.5 | BS2011
Hip-Hop Nation - GD - DaeHanMinGook Hip Hop Flex 2001
Hot (Intro) – Taeyang - Hot
Hot Issue (Intro) – Big Bang & CL – Hot Issue
How Did We Get - DS & Lee Hyori – H-Logic | DL
How Gee – Big Bang – For The World/Number 1/TUIB - DL | BS2010
I Don’t Understand – Hot Issue
I Know – SR & IU - VVIP
I Need a Girl – TY & GD – Solar/S4.5 | Solar Live
I See Only You – TOP & Zia - Road Movie | DL
I Should’ve Loved You Less – TY & Kim Jo Han
I Will Always – SR - Shower Musical OST
I’m Having An Affair – GD & Park Myung Soo & Park Bom – Infinity Challenge
I’m Not Laughing – TOP & Leessang & Ali
I’m Sorry – TOP & Gummy – Comfort I’ll Be There (English Version) – TY – Solar (Int. Ed.)
I’ll Be There (Korean Version) – TY – Solar (Int. Ed.) | Solar Live
Instincts – TY & Swings & Yoon JongShin – Digital Single
Intro – Big Bang - DL
Intro - S07 | DL
Intro – Number 1 - DL
Intro – Big Bang + Live Tracks
Intro – GD & TOP – High High
Intro – GD & Se7en – Just Listen
Intro - With U - DL
Intro (Everybody Scream) – Remember
Intro (Put Your Hands Up) – First Single
Intro (Thank You & You) – Big Bang 2/Tonight
Intro: Work It Now – GD & Gummy - Comfort
It’s Not Funny - Alive
It’s Okay - SR - Shower Musical OST
Just a Feeling – TY – Solar | Solar Live
Just Listen – GD & Se7en & Perry
Knock Out – GD & TOP – High High
Korean Dream – GD & TY – Heartbreaker | SAL
La La La – Bigbang is V.I.P/S07/Asia’s Best | 1st | 2nd | BS2011 | DL
La La La (English Version) – Big Bang – For The World
Lady – Stand Up | BS2009
Last Farewell (Remix) – Remember | BS2009
Last Farewell – Hot Issue | 2nd | BS2011
Let Me Hear Your Voice (Acoustic Version) – Koe Wo Kikasete Let Me Hear Your Voice (Club Mix) – Koe Wo Kikasete
Let Me Hear Your Voice – Big Bang 2/Koe Wo Kikasete & BS2010 | L&H
Lies (Remix) – Remember | BS2009 | BS2010
Lies (English Version) – For The World
Lies – GD - SAL
Lies – Always/TUIB/Asia’s Best | 2nd | BS2011
Little Stone - SR - Shower Musical OST
Lollipop – Big Bang & 2NE1 – Digital Single/Asia’s Best
Lollipop Pt. 2 – Digital Single | DL
Look At Me, Gwisoon – DS – Digital Single
Love Club – Big Bang/BLT - DL
Love Dust - Alive/Alive -Jap Ed.-/Monster -Alive Ed.-/Still Alive
Love Song – Big Bang 2/Special 4.5
Ma Girl – 1st
Ma Girl – TY – Bigbang is V.I.P | S07 | 2nd | Solar Live | DL
Ma Girl (Japanese version) – TY – With U - DL
Mad About You [English/Japanese version of Fool] – With U - DL
Magic – SR - VVIP
Magic Eye – GD & Wheesung - Like A Movie
Make Love – TY – Hot | BS2009 | TUIB
Make Love (English Version) – Asia’s Best/Number 1 - DL
Monster - Still Alive
Monster (Japanese Version) - Monster -Alive Ed.-
Move – TY & Teddy – Solar
Ms. Liar – Big Bang 2/L&H
My Heaven – My Heaven/BLT/L&H My Heaven (Club mix) – My Heaven
My Heaven (Japanese version) – Big Bang - DL
Next Day – SR – Since 2007
Now We – DS & Nemo - NEMO 002 (Digital Single)
Number 1 – Number 1/TUIB/Asia’s Best - DL | BS2009 | L&H
Obsession – GD – High High
Of All Days – TOP – High High
Oh Ma Baby – Always
Oh Mom – TOP – High High
Oh My Friend – BS2009
Oh My Friend – Big Bang & No Brain – Stand Up
Oh Yeah – GD & TOP & Park Bom – High High/S4.5 | BS2011
Oh, Ah, Oh – Remember | BS2009
One Of A Kind - GD
Only Look At Me (Remix) – BS2009
Only Look At Me – TY – Hot/Solar (Int. Ed.) | Solar Live
Only Look At Me Part 2 – G-Dragon | SAL
Open The Window – SR & GD - VVIP
Ora Yeah! – Koe Wo Kikasete/Big Bang 2
Outro (In My World) – SR - VVIP
Party - G-Dragon & Uhm Jung Hwa
Player – TY & Wheesung & Baekkyoung - It’s Real
Prayer – TY & Teddy – Solar (Int. Ed.)/Hot | Solar Live
Rain is Fallin’ (Hybrid Dream) – GD & Winds – Rush
Real Talk – TY & YMGA - YMGA Made In R.O.K
Realize Yourself - GD - DaeHanMinGook Hip Hop Flex 2001 Remember – Remember/Asia’ Best | BS2010
Remember (English Version) – Number 1 - DL
Run – GD & TY & Se7en - Se7olution
Rush – TY & Lexy – Rush
Scarecrow – GD & Masta Wu - Masta Wu
Shake It (English version) – Big Bang & Ji Eun – With U - DL
Shake It - Big Bang & Ji Eun – S07/TUIB | 1st | 2nd | BS2011
She Can’t Get Enough - Big Bang – S07 | 1st | DL
She’s Gone – GD & Kush – Heartbreaker | SAL
Sinner – TY – Hot | Solar Live
So Beautiful – Gara Gara Go!/TUIB
So Beautiful (English Version of Wrong Number) – For The World/Number 1 - DL
So Fresh, So Cool – So Fresh, So Cool Digital Single
So In Love Part 2 – GD & Kim Jo Han - KimJohan Vol. 5
Solar (Intro) – TY – Solar/Solar (Int. Ed.)
Somebody To Love – S4.5/Beautiful Hangover/Big Bang 2 | L&H | BS2011
Somebody To Love (Korean Version) - Tonight (Japan Version)
Stand Up (Intro) – Stand Up
Stay – Big Bang/BLT - DL | BS2010
Still Alive - Monster -Alive Ed.-/Still Alive
Storm – GD & Perry & Sean & Masta Wu - Perry By Storm
Strong baby (Remix) – SR - BS2010
Strong Baby – SR – Remember | BS2009
Stupid Liar - Big Bang – Special 4.5
Stylish – Gara Gara Go!/Fila Digital Single/Asia’s Best | BS2009
Stylish (The Fila) [Perry Remix] – BS2010 Sunset Glow – Remember | BS2009 | BS2010
Super Fly – GD & TY & TOP & Lexy – Another World/Rush
Superstar – TY – Solar/Solar (Int. Ed.) | Solar Live
Take It Slow – TY – Solar/Solar (Int. Ed.)
Tell Me Goodbye – Big Bang 2/Tell me Goodbye/L&H
Tell Me Goodbye (Remix) – Tell Me Goodbye
That XX - Untitled - GD
The Leaders – GD & Teddy & Lexy – Heartbreaker | SAL
The Next Day – SR – 1st | 2nd
The Shouts Of Reds Part 2 - Big Bang & Trans Fixion & Kim Yuna
This Love – GD –1S/S07/TUIB | 1st | 2nd | SAL | DL
This Love (English version) – GD – With U - DL
Together Forever (English Version of A Fool’s Only Tears) – For The World
Together Forever– TUIB/Asia’s Best
Tomorrow - Tablo ft. TY
Tonight – Special 4.5/Tonight | BS2011 | L&H
Tonight (Japanese Version) – Big Bang 2
Top of the World – Big Bang – Big Bang/Gara Gara Go!/BLT - DL | L&H
Track 1 – GD - Little Roo’Ra Christmas Carols
Track 2 – GD - Little Roo’Ra Christmas Carols
Track 3 – GD - Little Roo’Ra Christmas Carols
Track 4 – GD - Little Roo’Ra Christmas Carols
Track 5 – GD - Little Roo’Ra Christmas Carols
Track 8 – GD - Little Roo’Ra Christmas Carols
Track 9 – GD - Little Roo’Ra Christmas Carols
Tree Frog - Psy ft. GD Try Smiling – DS – Big Bang 03/Since 2007 | 1st | 2nd
Turn It Up – TOP – High High | BS2010
Twinkle Twinkle – Remember
Unfold At A higher Place – GD & TY - YG-02 Why Be Normal
V.I.P – 1st | Bigbang is V.I.P
V.I.P. (Intro) (English Version) – For The World
V.V.I.P – SR - VVIP | BS2011
Victory (Intro) – Big Bang – Big Bang 03
VIP (Intro) – TUIB
We Are Big Bang (Intro) – Always
We Belong Together – GD & TOP & Park Bom – 1S/TUIB/Asia’s Best | 1st
We Belong Together (English version) – With U - DL
We Found Them – SR - Shower Musical OST
Wedding Dress – TY – Solar | Solar Live
Wedding Dress (English Version) – TY – Solar (Int. Ed.)
Weird - Seungri - Shower Musical OST
What - YG Family - YMGA Made In R.O.K
What Can I Do – SR – S4.5/VVIP
What Do You Want? – GD – High High
What is Right – Tonight | BS2011
Where U At – TY – Solar/Solar (Int. Ed.) | BS2010 | Solar Live
Where U At + I’ll Be There – TY – BS2011
White Love – SR - VVIP
Why Be Normal - GD & YG Family - Why Be Normal
Why Be Normal - G-Dragon - Why Be Normal
Wild Wild West – 2nd Wings - DS - Alive/Alive -Jap Ed.-/Monster -Alive Ed.-
With U - With U/TUIB - DL
With U (English Version) - Number 1 - DL
Wonderful – Remember | BS2009
Wrong Number – Always
YMCA – GD & YG Family - Why Be Normal
You’re My – TY – Solar | Solar Live
우우우 우우 + 우우 + 우우우우우 + G-Dragon – GD - SAL
우우우우우우우 (Space Hip Hop Duck) – GD & Swi.T - Ost Opening Theme
우우우우우우우 (Space Hip Hop Duck) – GD & Swi.T - Ost Ending Theme
Non-Official Release
Buckwild – TOP & NBK Gray
Café Latte
Gara Gara Go [Korean version]
GMarket – GD | DL
Killing Me Softly – GD & Gummy
Lady – GD version - DL
The North Face – GD & TOP & TY & SR
Until Whenever - Global Warning Concert
Demo Versions
G-Dragon - Put your Hands Up | DL
G-Dragon - Hot Issue | DL G-Dragon - Stand Up | DL
G-Dragon - Lady | DL
G-Dragon + Others - Gara Gara Go! | DL
FOR A CAPELLA VERSIONS STREAMING
Album downloads:
Vol. 1 The Real Live Concert
Vol. 2 The Great Live Concert
My Heaven
Love and Hope Tour Live CD
Koe Wo Kikasete
Gara Gara Go!
Taeyang - 1st Solar International
Big Bang
Always
Number 1
Since 2007
*PLEASE DO NOT REPOST THIS ANYWHERE. JUST LINK BACK.
**Credit: Soompi Big Bang, Wikipedia, Various Big Bang Fansites, VIPs.
***Special thanks to angelmmm, susanpinky, swaggalevel-1000 for streaming and download links.
7:15 off to schedules, we're coming over tonight. Don't try to tell me you're busy, you're never busy. BYE! Damn it.
Sighing, Perry fell back into bed, quickly thumbing out a "who's we?". After slight consideration, he added in "bring beer. Not fucking soju". He made sure the phone was off before chucking it into the darkness. It was way too early to be dealing with Jiyong of all people.
-
At noon, Perry finally got up, tired as all shit but unable to fall back asleep. He sent Jiyong another message before pulling on a pair of jeans and heading out for coffee and to meet up with Teddy and the girls. He finished just in time for a meeting with YG at 5, which was thankfully simple enough to have him out the door by 5:30. After a quick stop at the mart (he was pretty sure his fridge was not guest-worthy), he headed home to clean and hopefully receive a response of some sort from Jiyong.
Cleaning eventually took a back seat to napping, and the next thing Perry knew, it was 11 at night and someone was ringing his doorbell. “Damn,” he spat as he caught his reflection in the mirror across the room. He looked like shit.
Thankfully, Jiyong had only brought Seungri, not a troop of hot, available gay males. Well, not thankfully, exactly, Perry thought amusedly.
“Hey,” said Perry, moving to the side and gesturing them in. Jiyong grinned and slid past him, Seungri following behind. The plastic bag in his hand clinked against the door frame and Perry glanced down. “What the hell?” Perry protested, following the other two into the living room. “I thought I said to bring beer and not soju?”
Jiyong collapsed dramatically onto the couch, dropping the bag onto the glass table in front of him with a thump. Sighing in exasperation, he propped his feet up against the edge of the table. “I don't like beer. I get a hangover,” he replied, in English.
Seungri, in the chair next to him, kept shooting glances at Perry, who nodded in his direction and smirked. Seungri saw and grinned back. Good to know that things were still cool between them.
Perry sat next to Jiyong, shoving his feet off the table before slumping back into the expensive leather of his couch. “So, what brings you two here?”
Jiyong hissed in pain as his heels thumped into the ground, but grinned. “Well, I was hoping for a drunken threesome, but I guess Maknae still has some reservations.”
Perry laughed, wincing slightly. He knew that everyone knew about yesterday, but trust Jiyong to bring it up within the first five minutes of them meeting. “What? I thought you and Youngbae were still dating.”
“We were, but--”
“They still are, they're just fighting again,” Seungri interrupted, rolling his eyes. Jiyong scrunched up his nose, reaching over to shove the younger boy off the chair. “Can't you keep your mouth shut just once?”
Seungri scoffed, offended. “What? It's true!” “I said I didn't want to talk about it!”
Perry was surprised. As far as he knew, Youngbae didn't "fight" with anyone. “What'd you do, kid? It's pretty hard to piss YB off.”
Seungri laughed, nodding. “I want to know, too.”
“I don't wanna talk about it,” Jiyong declared, standing. “I just wanna get drunk. Where are your soju glasses?”
Perry stood as well, heading into the kitchen, trying not to laugh. Jiyong always wanted to talk. Sometimes he just wanted to be drunk first. Perry was pretty sure that discussing his boyfriend problems was the real reason Jiyong had come over tonight. “I'll grab 'em.”
“Hyung, is it all right if I look through your CD collection?” Seungri called from the living room.
“Just don't mess up the order,” Perry called as he pulled glasses from the shelf, trying to find the third soju glass that he knew was somewhere back there. “Go ahead and put something on, too.”
“All right -”
Perry heard Keyshia Cole's A Different Me start to play behind him and chuckled.
“Not bad,” he commented, returning with the three glasses. The kid really did have pretty good taste. Seungri grinned.
-
Perry woke up to quiet moaning and the rustling of cloth. What...?
The last thing he remembered was playing dumb-ass drinking games with Jiyong and Seungri and getting drunk. Very drunk – he really should have known better than to play "I never" with his track record. He must have passed out, then.
Cracking his eyes open, he sat up, looking around slowly. Judging from the way the room spun when he turned his head, he was probably still pretty drunk. Not drunk enough, however, to miss Jiyong with his hand shoved down Seungri's pants, the smaller boy sprawled out on the ground next to the coffee table. Perry squinted, information slipping through his oversaturated brain. Not noticing Perry, Jiyong continued to stroke Seungri, palming himself through his jeans with his free hand as he moaned lowly. Seungri made a small noise but otherwise remained unmoving. Probably passed out, Perry mused, alcohol turning him stupid. Fuck, that's like, rape, probably.
“Jiyong, that's... fucked up. Kids's passed out,” Perry slurred, trying to stand and failing. Jiyong jumped at the noise, head jerking up, but he didn't stop his motions, cocking an eyebrow towards Perry. Eyes still locked with Perry's, he reached down and unzipped Seungri's pants, pulling out his now half-hard cock. Jiyong smirked, continuing to jerk it. “What? You jealous?”
Perry's breath quickened slightly, his eyes drawn involuntarily to the hand still wrapped around Seungri's length before flicking back up to see Jiyong watching too, fascinated. Perry returned the smirk. “Are you?”
Jiyong hand stilled and he huffed out a laugh, incredulous. “What the fuck do you mean?”
Perry knew he was being dumb as hell, getting involved in any of Jiyong's emotional bullshit, but it was just too easy to bait him. “You're pissed I got a piece of the ass you've been chasing, right?” he said in English.
Jiyong's expression went sour. Letting go of Seungri, he made his way towards Perry. “Sorry, I don't understand,” he said in Korean as he crawled across the floor. He licked his lips slowly and Perry almost groaned aloud at the sight, already half-hard from earlier.
“Liar,” Perry breathed lowly.
Jiyong ignored him, opting instead to crawl up into Perry's lap and grind against him, his arms wrapping around his neck. “Wanna fuck?” he whispered as he tongued Perry's ear, switching to accented English that had Perry practically coming right there.
Perry moaned lowly, his hand hovering above the skinny boy's back. This was a bad idea. A pretty fucking bad idea, but he couldn't say he hadn't thought of it before. The alcohol hadn't helped, either. “What about Youngbae?”
Jiyong rolled his hips into his again, his cock hard against Perry's hip through his too-tight jeans. “What about him?”
Perry rolled his eyes but dropped his head back against the couch and moaned again when Jiyong's hand dropped down to squeeze at his clothed erection. “You are such a shit boyfriend.” Jiyong ignored Perry again, sliding down onto the floor in front of him. Reaching out, he unbuttoned Perry's jeans with more dexterity than a drunk teen should really have, then gently pulled out his cock. His tongue darted out once to lap lightly at the tip, but he wasted no time, opening his mouth wide and dropping his head down to deepthroat Perry.
Perry hissed, hips thrusting forward unconsciously as his hand landed heavily on the back of Jiyong's head. Jiyong rode out the thrust easily, pulling back before bobbing his head down again, taking the length as far down his throat as possible.
“Oh, fuck, Ji',” Perry growled, his fingers tightening in Jiyong's blond locks as his throat contracted around him. He continued to thrust into Jiyong's mouth, and Jiyong took it, not pulling back even when he gagged. “Yeah, just like that.”
As he stared across the room and tried not to come, his eyes settled on Seungri, whom he had completely forgotten about. The younger boy was still asleep, cock soft and hanging out of his jeans. For some reason, that made Perry even hotter, even as he knew that the boy could wake at any moment. Groaning again, he tugged at Jiyong's hair and he drew back, looking up at him questioningly.
“Let's take this into the bedroom. I don't wanna wake the kid,” Perry said, voice low with arousal. Jiyong shot a look back at Seungri before standing, helping Perry up as well.
Ji Yong walked backwards until his back thumped gently into the bedroom door, then chuckled. “Why don't you just fuck me here, against the door, right where he can see us?” He palmed himself slowly. “It'd be hot.”
Perry's mind took to that idea instantly, but the smidgen of sense left in him told him it was bad enough to fuck someone with a boyfriend that he both knew and liked. He didn't need to make matters worse by doing it in front of another member of their group. Reaching around Jiyong, he twisted the door knob, letting Jiyong stumble back onto the bed before closing the door behind him. “I'd rather fuck you on your hands and knees. Turn around.”
Jiyong groaned, following directions like a good little whore. Head and shoulders pressed to the mattress and ass in the air, he wiggled out of his jeans. Perry watched him as he slipped out of his own, his hand reaching out to smooth over Jiyong's now bare ass. Jiyong purred like a cat and pushed into the touch. Perry, without thinking, pulled his hand back and smacked the smooth flesh firmly.
“Fuck! Yesss...” Jiyong whined into the pillow, so Perry did it again, a little harder. Jiyong whimpered, begging for more, which Perry was more than happy to fulfill.
“You like that?” he growled, smacking Jiyong's ass and thighs and watching them turn pink. He was usually on the receiving end in this sort of situation, but something about Jiyong had always made him want to abuse the skinny boy, smack him around, fuck the shit out of him. Punish him for being the little slut he is, he thought darkly.
Jiyong gasped, one hand still pumping his own erection. Perry reached forward, his hand digging into Jiyong's hair to pull him up and backwards. “Do you want me to fuck you?” he whispered into his ear.
It took a moment for Jiyong to process the English, but he gritted out “yes, fuck me, yes” and a “please” when Perry tugged at his scalp again. Perry reached with his free hand into the nightstand for the lube and chucked the bottle at the boy. “Prep yourself, then.
If there was one thing Jiyong knew, it was how to put on a show, writhing and pushing back onto his own fingers as he fucked himself. Perry sat on the edge of the bed and watched as Jiyong whined and stretched himself around three fingers, his free hand alternating between pumping his cock and spreading his ass cheeks for Perry to see better.
After a few minutes, Jiyong pulled out and dropped his head back into the pillow, spreading his legs as he braced himself. “Fuck me, now.”
Perry laughed and moved forward, slicking himself quickly – he hadn't even gotten soft waiting – before reaching forward, lining up, and pushing into Jiyong in one hard stroke. Jiyong actually yelled, his voice muffled by the pillow. Perry paused, worried for a second whether he had gone too far, but Jiyong pulled himself forward and then pushed himself back down on Perry's cock as hard as he could, leaving Perry breathless.
“Agh, fuck, if that's how you want it, fine,” Perry breathed, and then he was fucking Jiyong fast and hard, his fingers digging into the smaller boy's hip and his voice shaking in time with the strength of his thrusts.
“Is this what you want Seungri to do to you, hmm? You want his little dick in your ass? I bet you'd like that,” he groaned, reaching around Jiyong to pinch his nipple. “I bet you'd let all of Big Bang fuck you, wouldn't you.”
Jiyong didn't say anything, but his hole tightened around Perry's cock, and Perry couldn't stop talking, saying the dirtiest fucking shit he could think of as he fucked Jiyong. When he was getting close he pulled out, flipping the skinny boy over and straddling his chest. Jiyong just opened his mouth, pulling hard at his own cock. “Give it to me, I want it, I want it,” he moaned, and then Perry was coming hard enough to see spots, across Jiyong's face and in his mouth and hair.
“Take it all,” he whispered, stroking out the last drop onto Jiyong's waiting tongue. He dipped his fingers into the sticky mess, scooping up as much as he could onto his fingertips before shoving them into Jiyong's mouth. He sucked them deep into his mouth, groaning, and Perry felt a hot splash against his back as Jiyong came as well. Letting out a harsh pant, Perry rolled off Jiyong and collapsed onto the bed next to him. When he finally caught his breath, he chanced a glance over at him.
“Fuck,” Perry exclaimed, looking Jiyong up and down. The boy looked like shit, bruised, lip split, bite marks covering his shoulder. “Damn, Ji', I'm really sorry, that was way too... much.”
Jiyong just looked over at him, sleepy and unconcerned. “'s no big deal. It's not like we're promoting now or anything.”
Still, Perry worried, that had been a little hardcore for a first fuck. And last fuck, his mind chimed in, you dumb shit.
All of the shit that Perry had "forgotten" about during the sex was coming back to him now. The worry must have shown on his face, because Jiyong rolled over, wrapping an arm around his torso.
“Really, it's not a big deal. I liked it. Go to sleep,” Jiyong mumbled.
That's not what I'm worried about, Perry thought helplessly, but post-sex lethargy was sucking him in. As he began to doze, he couldn't help noting that every time he woke up, bad things happened.
-
“Perry-hyung?” Perry woke to a screaming headache and a very concerned- looking Seungri. He sat up, groaning, and rubbed at his face roughly. “'t is 't?” he mumbled, trying to keep his head from splitting.
“Um...” Perry looked up, about to bitch the kid out for not getting to the point, when he saw Seungri staring at the other side of the bed in concern.
Perry glanced over at a still sleeping Jiyong, the gears of comprehension squeaking slowly in his brain. Jiyong, him, sex. YB. Seungri. Ffffuck. Perry groaned quietly, turning and kicking his feet off the bed as he buried his head in his hands and willed everything to dissapear .
“Uh... Hyung?”
No such luck.
“Yeah, uhm... Seungri. Last night...”
Perry felt Seungri's hand on his shoulder as he sat next to him. “It's okay, hyung. You were really drunk last night. I passed out, and when I woke up you and Jiyong were sleeping. Right?”
Perry glanced up at the younger boy, who attempted to grin charmingly at him and would have succeeded if not for the line of dried drool down his face. He wondered if he could really trust the kid to keep his mouth shut. Well, it wasn't like he had a choice. “Uh, yeah, thanks.”
Seungri smiled again and stood up, making his way to the door before pausing. “Uh, I didn't do anything, you know, weird, last night, did I? I don't really remember.” Perry, frowned, wondering what the maknae was talking about. He realized belatedly that Seungri was probably just worried about why his pants had been down in the morning. Holding back a snicker, he grinned. “Nah, you just went to the bathroom and passed out after going. We had to drag you out into the living room, but we were pretty drunk then, too.”
Seungri's relief was audible. “Oh, okay, thanks. All right then.” He slipped out, closing the door behind him. Perry stood up and felt his way through the room, trying to find his pants without waking up Jiyong. He found them, and was just buttoning up when the doorbell rang. A second later, Seungri poked his head back into the room. “Hyung, it's Youngbae-hyung!” Seungri whispered dramatically, eyes wide. Perry swore and reached over to shake Jiyong. “Hey, wake up. Your boyfriend's here, put something on.” He wondered how Jiyong would hide the bruises and bite marks from Youngbae, or if he'd even bother at this point. Perry really liked Jiyong, but he'd never want to date someone as unstable as that.
You're not exactly a saint yourself, Perry's brain chimed in cheerfully. He followed Seungri back into the main room, tugging on his shirt as he went.
If he'd felt guilty beforehand, it was nothing compared to how he felt when he actually saw Youngbae. Youngbae bowed and greeted Perry respectfully, the dark circles under his eyes characteristic of the boys whenever they were promoting. Perry invited him in and swallowed, trying to dispel the lump in his throat.
“Jiyong told me he was going out with Seungri, but not where. I found out later from manager-hyung. I hope you don't mind me stopping by, we have an interview later today and I thought there might have been drinking, so...” Youngbae looked as worried as Perry felt. “Uhm, I tried to call your phone first, but there was no answer, so...” Perry realized the look on his face must not be very welcoming. He shook his head, running one hand through his hair.
“No, man, it's totally cool, you can stop by anytime.” He tried a smile and half succeeded. “Uh, sorry if I seem weird, I'm just really hung over. Really, it's fine.” Youngbae smiled in relief, his eyes turning into slits. He really was adorable, Perry thought. Yet another reason why he was the scum of the earth.
Seungri emerged from the bathroom, looking cleaner and less covered in drool, which made Perry wonder just how horrible he must look. He suddenly found himself embarrassed in front of Youngbae, who was dressed to the nines as usual.
Seungri greeted Youngbae cheerfully, apparently unaffected by the massive amounts of alcohol he had consumed. Launching into a tirade on how Youngbae's new solo was "100% the best", he easily took charge of the conversation, for which Perry was extremely grateful. It allowed him the time to get up and brew some much needed coffee, down a few (dozen) aspirin, and confirm that yes, he looked terrible. When he finally sat down, coffee in hand, he noticed that Youngbae kept shooting glances his way. Perry reddened slightly.
“Uh... what is it? I know, I need a shower, sorry...” He knew he was gross, but he'd washed up at least a little. Maybe Youngbae had figured it out? Had Seungri let something slip?
“Oh, no!” Youngbae quickly interjected. “You look fine. It's just, I was wondering about Jiyong...?”
“I was sleeping. What about me?”
Jiyong stood in the doorway, fully clothed and looking like he was ready for a fashion shoot. He shot a quick glance at Perry before turning to face Youngbae. “Hey,” he said, a little coolly.
Youngbae smiled slightly. “Hey. Are you ready to go? We're gonna be late if we don't hurry up.” Jiyong looked away, walking toward the door. “All right.” Youngbae looked down, still smiling, but it was a little off. Perry felt bad, and at another time he would have asked the younger man about it, but at this point he figured that keeping his mouth shut was probably the best strategy.
He followed the boys to the door and saw them out. Jiyong was out first, walking out the door without saying anything. Seungri waved cheerfully as he left, apparently immune to the tense atmosphere between the other two. Youngbae turned to apologize for Jiyong's rudeness, explaining that he wasn't normally like this, really.
Perry caught his shoulder lightly, cutting him off in the middle of his apologies. “It's okay. I'm the one who should be sorry, really.”
Youngbae frowned, confused. “What? Why?”
“I just am.” He squeezed Youngbae's shoulder once before letting go and stepping back. Youngbae still looked confused, but nodded and smiled. “All right. Whatever it is, hyung, it's fine. Thanks for taking care of us. I'll see you at the studio.” He smiled again and bowed before running to catch the elevator with the other boys. Perry watched him, then headed back inside.
Slumping against the door frame, he scrubbed his face with his hand. “I'm getting too fucking old for this kind of drama.”
He sighed, and went to go finish his coffee for the day.
Account of my sister's shoot with GD! (spoiler free)
My sister sent an email with a detailed account of the shoot, and I’ll share with you those things that are ok (though because of that the post will become a lot shorter than it’d otherwise be)
My sister was told by her agent she’d have a shoot with a Korean singer, and she expected it to be some ballad singer or something, but never G- Dragon. When he told her it was GD from Big Bang, she could hardly realise it: she felt excitement but it was kind of a distant excitement, like, it was too surreal to be true, you know? Anyway, they were having some kind of party but my sister left early because she realised there was no way she could be late tomorrow, she’d have to completely ready for this (in her words) ‘epic occurence.’
It was a two-hour drive to the shoot, they went to Incheon (the island with the airport) to some industrial site with a lot of barracks that are often used for shootings. It was supposed to last from 10 a.m to 2 p.m, but it turned out it only started 4 p.m. and lasted till 8. (I’ve never heard of a shoot that didn’t start hours later than planned, to be honest.) Part of the reason for this was GD himself, who really took his time in his trailer or in-between shoots. Some of the models were annoyed because of this but my sister was kind of like ‘well, he’s the star, so it’s expected / he can do that’. All the models were Western by the way, though later in the day there also arrived some Korean models.
The first time she saw GD he was doing a solo shoot and it was completely surreal. I think it’s kind of like you’re walking in a dream, you know, like it’s not actually real and therefore you don’t have a freak-out moment (if that makes sense.) Only when she started shooting with GD it became reality for her, but by then it felt normal (I presume because this is work for her, but again also because of her down-to-earth character).
The shooting itself went very smoothly and fast, it was clear that GD (and also the team) were professionals. GD took everything very seriously, he followed the instructions of the photographer but also showed initiative. And both GD and the team paid attention to every little detail: if there was one little hair styled wrongly, it was corrected immediately.
The lunch also very nice, which is always a very important factor for my sister haha. The food consisted of rice with red beans (azuki) lettuce with mushrooms, seaweed soup, bbq meat Korean style, and fruit. I’ve included a picture of the box she got her lunch in below, I think it was a gift from his fan club or something because it says ‘GD supporters’? GD had his own catering, though his food was probably the same. image
All right, there were a lot of different themes and my sister liked them a lot though again I can’t say anything about that (which is kind of frustrating, I constantly have to check if I’m not giving away something haha) During the fist shoot my sister wasn’t standing next to GD, but there was one model in- between them. That model was constantly touching his hat, and she didn’t know if this made him annoyed but the crew looked kind of worried haha
Speaking of the crew: she said they really are like servants, there are constantly five people surrounding him and following him everywhere, there’s even a person who always holds his water bottle for him. He also went smoking several times and everyone had to wait for him then.
There was a shoot with little children and even though usually GD acts really cute with them, this time he didn’t. The little boys were constantly staring at him wide-eyed haha, especially at his hair.
One model was taking pictures of the shoot, but the crew asked her not to because they didn’t want the shoot to leak. A different model also asked for a picture with him, but he said ‘No, sorry’ presumably for the same reason but maybe also because he was tired / didn’t feel like it. During shoots, he barely smiled, but when he was at his own trailer he laughed a lot. She thinks maybe he is a bit nervous or shy around people he doesn’t know (and who are foreign) but more likely it’s the distinction between GD / Jiyong. There was a cute moment when he was sitting somewhere with his staff and had two bags of chips in his hand (he never puts on any weight so he’s allowed to eat that haha) and someone said something and he laughed really cute, GD- style. She thought that was a cute moment.
In the second shoot my sister did stand next to GD (jeeej!) so this time she could observe him well, haha. She says he has a nice, smooth skin and is also pretty tanned. He didn’t really smell like anything particular (I asked this, haha) but looked pretty much the same as in pictures. He looked nice, and fashionable, and had a lot of swag haha. He also walked in a ‘cool’ manner but the look in his eyes or his movements still were kind of child-like sometimes. He’s also very small / short.
She hasn’t really spoken with GD, except when he sighed and my sister said ‘It’s hot, right?’ and GD said ‘yeah.’ Haha, but that’s better than nothing right? She’s already content with the fact that she’s made eye contact / has spoken some words with him / has had the chance to see him up close / and ehm features in his photoshoot. When my sister finally left, GD wasn’t done yet, he still had a couple of solo shoots to go. She figures he must have been exhausted and definitely respects him for handling it all well. All in all it was an amazing experience, needless to say! :D
Red headed monster,
Hair askew,
Wings a'flapping
Horn standing tall.
His rosette colored eyes sparkle like crystals,
Diamond lip ring glinting in the dusty sunlight.
He looked like an innocent devil,
The words of his very appearance clashing and fighting.
His hair muted and skin pale, he looked as a monster concealed in a boy.
Or perhaps he was no monster.
Perhaps he is lost.
Lost in a fate that was not meant for him,
But was forced upon his fragile body,
Pushing him in this direction,
In disaster, refusing to release him
Free.
우우, 우우우우우우우 . 우우우! 우우우우. HOW TO BECAME AN OFFICIAL VIP”
—
Just to clear the air about how to become a member of Big Bang Official Fanclubs. There are 2 VIP Fanclubs run by YG: VIP1/VIP2 and the Official Fancafe @ Daum Cafe.
Official Fancafe:
To become a member of this cafe, you’ll need to go through the usual process like: create an ID, join the cafe and go through a level-up process with a quiz. But i dont think there’s an English section for this site.
Official Fanclubs:
A while ago, the old admin of Overseas BBVIPz did explain to me the whole process and all but i misplaced that info somewhere. So i asked Beau for help. She explained to me how VIPz registered for the 2nd generation official fanclub. Mind you that the process may varies from time to time. Definitely this year, there’ll be some changes again.
[vip2]: First, you need to join the official YG homepage. We know that YG official site has open a foreign button for us to apply as well. However even though you are a part of the YG official page, for the next step:
you need to have the Korean social security number in order to apply for the VIP card.
To apply for the VIP card, you’d have to join the ‘shinhan card’ site and apply.
Then they’d send you the official vip card and as usual they’ll ask for your personal info when you register: like phone num, address etc. [vip1]: For first generation fanclub, to become a member, fans must have:
5 photo mounts for all the single albums {GD, TaeYang, DaeSung}/first album {Top, Seungri} and a ticket from the Real Concert.
Then, they opened another fans registration, twice on different occasion where VIPs are required to have:
5 photo mounts of all singles/first album and to pay 5000 won.
5 photo mounts of all singles/first album and a ticket from the Lies Showcase.
*photo mounts: if you look in the singles albums and the first regular album (Vol 1), you’ll see in the album jacket there’re these little plastic thingy with one of the faces of each members. *5000 won: roughly about USD$4++.
[number of fans]: This is very subjective. There’s no real way of knowing the numbers of fans. There’s about 370,000 VIPs in the official bigbang daum cafe, which is probably the best number to follow. Nevertheless, please note that some of them are members of both VIP fanclub and Daum Cafe. Again, it’s quite difficult to get the accurate number.
In a nutshell, they are not recruiting any fans at the moment and most probably have to wait until they start accepting registrations for the third generation VIPs. VIP3 in the making? Its doubtful as we are uncertain about the facts yet.
pomegranate / zakuro a voice screaming out your name/ koe wo dashite sakenda anata no
namae surely it will not reach you my voice/ kitto todokanai wa ne watashi no koe sae mo
why am I so weak?
I write, I sing, all for him
He is the midnight sun, and I am but a barbarian star.
I cannot live this life anymore
You fucking bitch
but for now, I am okay/ demo ne ima wa sore demo watashi wa ii no someday in my heart, you will../ itsuka kokoro no naka de anata wo
No one will miss me, I’m only a liability
A waste of oxygen a waste of life a bag of flesh
He won’t notice I’m gone
Not even Totchi will know I am gone
How could you? How DARE you fucking kill yourself!?
Were you truly so unhappy in your heart, The magic of Christmas it’s tainted by your blood
tonight, too, I will dream a dream of you/ yume wo konya mo miru wa anata no yume wo beneath my pillow I placed your letter/ makura no shita ni oita anata no tegami no sei my dream is too cruel my breathing interrupted/ yume wa zankoku
sugite iki ga togire always, at 4:30am I awaken in pain/ itsumo gozen yojihan kurushiku me ga sameru wa
I clutch the clean knife in my hand the blade is smooth and cool
I thought of shattering the mirror and cutting myself with a shard
But that would be too long, and draw attention
I want to die alone
I glance at the clock, 4:30am
Cutting your wrists, a poetic way to die
I’m staring at it your clutching it even in death
It is dark with your congealed blood Dark blood stains the white sheets you lie on
Burgandy rivers and lakes on a white desert
the time is too long/ toki wa naga sugite the time is too painful/ toki wa tsura sugite
I pick up my black shirt and cover my pale chest
I’m not wearing my favourite shirt, my sister likes it, so she can have it
I don’t care
As I pick up my knife I see myself in the mirror
I’m so ugly
My short frame my disobedient hair
And my eyes…my ugly eyes…
Why couldn’t I be perfect? Like him…
Your favourite shirt still smells of you
I clutch it to my chest tightly
I do not cry but I look at you
So small and beautiful, beauty preserved in eternal sleep
Your dark eyes are open and you look peaceful
But
If I had told you how I felt would you still be alive?
the dream will not stop/ yume wa tomaranai my love is frozen, dead/ ai wa kogoete yuku no on this cold evening/ hieta yoru so, in this long night/ konna ni nagai yoru ni wa
The knife bites my wrist as I drag it through my tender flesh
It hurts…it hurts so much!
Fascinated, I see my blood spray on the walls
And floor of my room
I quickly switch hands, and slice the other wrist quickly
Blood everywhere it drips onto my bare feet
I sit on my bed and squeeze the wounds
The pain dulls I feel sleepy
Kaoru I love you
You do not notice me I am hideous
Dir en Grey will find another vocalist
They will forget me
My parents have my sister
They will forget their failure son
Blood everywhere
Your blood is all over the fucking room
I would throw up but I had no chance to eat
I can’t stop staring at you
Your beautiful eyes are staring empty and unseeing
They do not see me. they do not see the others, or your crying sister
You’re so goddamn selfish, can’t you see what you’ve done? Shinya is holding a sobbing Toshiya, tears are running down his face as well
Toshiya found you, you know, and he called me
Die is next to me his eyes are blank he is silent
Shell-shocked, he does not take it in lost in the darkness of his mind
Yesterday you were alive you came to my place
And you asked about true friendship I answered
I think I answered wrong
Should I have told you my feelings?
My love for you that I have felt for years
No one but you, Kyo
---my conciousness is torn apart/ ishiki gga chigirete becoming tiny pieces/ konagona ni natte my memories scattering/ omoide wo chirashi your ring I grasp it as tightly as I can/ anata no yubiwa nigirishimeru hodo ni my tears soaking my pillow/ namida ga makura wo nurasu
I clutch the knife All I have left to hold on to
I fall back and try to curl up
I’m so alone
Gaze is blurry breathing heavy heart slowing and breaking
I see my blood crimson blooms leaking over my sheets
My vision is darkening…I feel death approach me …Kaoru…
I leave the silent room
And pick up the phone
A pause
.
I dial an ambulance
like I cannot hear blocked up my ears/ kikoenai you ni mimi wo fusaideta
The morgue.
It’s been two days.
I stare at the name slot Nimmura Tohru
I open the drawer, and unzip the body bag
There you are cold and stiff a blue tint to your lips
But you’re beautiful
Cold and beautiful you used to be warm and sultry
I want to see you smile again
your voice../ anata no koe wo the scar on my wrist/ tekubi no kizuato
I’ve been here for 10 minutes
All I’ve done is trace the stitching on your wrists
When you cut your wrist it takes too long to die I don’t want delays I want to see you now
I brush your dark hair from your cold forehead
And place a kiss on your frigid lips
I need you
increasing once more/ mata hitotsu fuete melting into the wound you/ kizu ni tokekonde iku anata
I pull the gun from my coat heavier than I thought
Only one bullet no mistakes
I won’t do it wrong
My thin fingers undo the safety, and I hold the barrel to my temple
Don’t run too far ahead of me Kyo
I’m gonna catch up with you
I start to squeeze the trigger, and my vision is blurred and heavy, did
Kyo feel this way?
Ai shiteru Kyo
BLAM!!
I am broken the letter burnt becoming ashes/ watashi wa kowareru tegami moyashi hai ni naru
I am broken my heart broken becoming ashes/ watashi wa kowareru kokoro kowashi hai ni naru A tear drop…the body falls…the gun slides from a hand
Consuming love
I am broken I lost you I love you/ watashi wa kowareru anata wo nakushi ai shiteru
Kaoru-
I'm dying. Can't you tell? I think you could see it, in fact I know you could. And I know that you understood why it was happening. You did didn't you? So why didn't you stop it? I have so many questions. But if I wait for you to come home, it'll just add more questions to my list. Let's start again. Shall we?
Do you remember the first time you kissed me? No, wait, I'm going to start with something farther back.
Do you remember the first time we actually went on a ‘date.' I almost don't want to say it was a date. It was more like....okay. It was a date. Do you remember how you came up to me after practice and sort of blushed and looked down, then at my face? I do. You stood there, as the others shuffled out and left us alone. You blushed, looked at your feet and then blushed again. Then, in the softest voice....you said: ‘Would you like to come with me to the movies?' It was so sweet, you didn't ask me to a bar, you know I don't like to drink. I nodded and said yes. I didn't really understand. Because back then...I was so blind...so fucking blind. I thought you actually liked me. It had been a while, since I had begun liking you. And I thought...just maybe, you actually cared. But, like I said, I was blind.
You took me home that night dropped me off at my door. You stood there while I opened the door. I was watching you from the corner of my eye. Something flashed on you're face. I couldn't place it then, I can now. You were annoyed. I know why now, but that....that comes later. Right now...right now all I want to remember is how you smiled at me...how you hugged me gently and asked if you could have a glass of water before leaving. I said yes and invited you in. Totchi was up, sitting on the couch, reading. That was weird. He never sat up and waited for me. I remember thinking he looked so much like a mother hen. That was before. I simply walked into the kitchen, leaving you two talking softly. When I returned, you were gone. I frowned and shrugged walking back and dumping the water down the drain. I walked back out and sat next to Totchi. He didn't say anything. Now that I really think about it...he looked upset. God, why didn't I see it. That was also the night that he first slept with me.
Yeah, I know you know that though, but that comes later. First, I thought that the world had suddenly realized that it had cut my half short and was making up for it, by giving me first you, then Totchi. I thought...I thought that everything was coming back to me. But I was wrong. Do you remember the next day? Die asked me if I wanted to come over. I accepted with a smile. Suddenly, after being ignore and left out for so long....you all wanted me...ALL of you. Except Shinya...Shinya wasn't playing into the game. At first I thought that he was just jealous. Yes, that's how disillusioned I was. I thought Shinya, the beauty, was jealous of me. Little old me. What a bunch of shit. I cornered him one day and asked him why he kept giving you all nasty looks he wouldn't say, so I bawled him out for being mean, trying to hurt me. I was such a dope.
After a few weeks all three of you began to work harder to get my attention. Gifts, trips, even songs. It was so...strange. I started to get suspicious. Everything came in an order. First you, then Totchi, then Die. It was beginning to make me a bit unhappy. It seemed as if you all had a plan. That's when it hit me that everything was done in order. That order. On Monday's I was with you, Wednesday's was Totchi and Friday's were Die. I canceled dates. I stopped seeing any of you outside of work. It was just too organized. And none of you seemed jealous of the others. Now...here I need to ask, Why. Why couldn't you have just loved me? All I wanted from the moment I saw you...was you. Only you.
Anyway, after that I found out what was up. I called Shinya and asked him to please come over. He sat next to me and asked what was wrong. I stared at him and asked: ‘What are they doing?' He wouldn't tell me at first, but when I looked at him quietly for a moment he broke, out spilled details of lust and betrayal. God it all sounds so dramatic. Doesn't it? But that's what it was.
This next part you know.
The three of you loved each other. Die loved Totchi, you loved Totchi. Totchi wanted you both. You know how he is. So selfish. But from what Shinya tells me, you and Die cornered him one night. Told him he had to chose. You or him. He told you that he couldn't choose, that he loved you both, so there would be a contest. You would all attempt to make me fall in love with you, if you won then Totchi would choose you, if Die won, then Totchi was his. If Totchi won, then he got you both. While Shinya told me all this is just stared at him. It was such a stupid thing to do. None of you counted on me loving you. You all figured that playing with me like a pawn was fine. I told Shinya to leave. He did., then Totchi came home and I got an idea.
This makes me feel so stupid, to write this...
I loved you, so maybe...maybe if I made Totchi think that Die had caught my interest...he would choose him, and you would realize you loved me....I told you it was stupid. So when Totchi came home I told him that I didn't want to date him at all anymore. He asked why and I said that I had fallen for Die. Or, I at least felt the need to explore what ‘we' had. Something flashed on his face. This time it didn't take me two years to know what it was. I knew right away. It was jealousy. He actually thought that I wanted Die. See, what I didn't know was that he had just come home from breaking up with you to be with Die. But that didn't last for long. Do you know what happened? Did he tell you? I don't think he ever did. But I will. He hit me. Hard. Again, and again. So many times that I can't remember. I yelled and said I'm sorry that I didn't mean it, just to please stop, tell me what was wrong. He did stop after a while. I just laid there on the floor, bleeding and curled up. He stood over me and I think what he did sunk in because he started crying. He ran to the bathroom, and...I think this is rather amusing. He brought out a big box of first aid cream and some band aids. He sat there crying and putting band-aids on my face and other places that were cut or bruised. I remember that he got so frustrated when the band-aid on my nose wouldn't stay because my nose was swelling. I started laughing and he just sat there crying. I really loved him right then. I told him it was okay, but could he please bring me a bag of ice. He said yes and ran to get me some, when he came back he sat down and apologized then told me that Die and him were seeing each other. I told him that it was okay and that all I really wanted was you. You should have seen him, so confused. I explained that I knew about his way of choosing between you two and that I had planned on him picking Die so I could have you. He said ‘oh....well you could have just asked me for him.' just like that, like he owned you. It made me smile.
The next day it was like a big chasm had divided the band. You sat and glared at Totchi and Die, fuck, if looks could kill...Shinya was smart. He stayed out of the whole mess. He was happy, being behind his drums. But I was right in the line of fire. You yelled. A lot. At everyone. Except Shinya. I think that you knew he had nothing to do with it. You're smarter then I thought.
And that's how things stayed for a few months. Totchi and Die against you. I loved you... I really did. I kept thinking, that maybe somehow you would wake up and realize that you loved me too. But you didn't. I remember the day you asked me out again. I don't know why I thought you wanted me. But I did. So I agreed and we went out. Do you remember. Was it just an act, because I thought...I thought I saw happiness on you're face, when it started to rain. We were outside and it began to pour. Remember? Near that fountain in the park? No warning, nothing. Just started pouring on our heads. I giggled. I know that I did. And I looked at you with a grin and said: ‘Look Kaoru! It's raining!' And started spinning. It was beautiful. You were standing there watching me and I just spun. I started singing. That X Japan song that Shinya had been playing the night before.
Endless Rain was the name. I only sang some of it: **‘It's a dream I'm in love with you, madoromi dakishimete, Endless rain fall on my heart kokoro no kizu ni, Let me forget all of the hate all of the sadness I awake from my dream, I can't find my way without you...'** I looked over at you and you were watching me. At that moment....you made me the happiest person in the world. You just watched me with a smile on your face and genuine happiness in your eyes. Then you walked over and slid your arms around me leaning your head down and pressing you're lips against mine. Even now I know you felt something for me. At least during that moment in time I held your heart. Your lips were so soft. When you pulled away you smiled and touched my cheek before taking my hand and walking me home.
That was the best moment of our relationship.
We dated for a month or two before we began sleeping together. After we fucked....well. I know you remember the rest. After that you began abusing me. I would come home to find you waiting in my bed. By then Totchi had moved out. After a few times you didn't even say anything anymore. You just took me. Violently. Then you left. Everything since then has been a blur. Pain, suffering, fucking, blood, semen, and hate. All rolled up into one big long year.
There were some rare times when you didn't leave after you hurt me. Those were the times I hated the most. You would tell me exactly why you hated me. Would tell me why I couldn't be to one you loved. Told me how I could never be Totchi. Could never have you're heart. But that was only for the last few weeks. After you moved in with me....remind me again why I let you do that?
But I still loved you. After all of it. And I still do. I think the final straw came last night. You were standing in the doorway of the practice room and you asked if you could talk to Totchi and Die alone. Shinya and I left. I don't know what was said, or anything like that. All I know is that when you walked out you were smiling. You looked at Totchi and then at Die. And you smiled. Then you looked at Shinya and chuckled. He just shook his head and looked away. You know, he was always there for me....those nights you left me bruised and beaten I could call him and he would come and help me. He always knew. Always knew how to help. Anyway, then....you looked at me. I stood back in the corner next to the vending machine. I was wondering when you would look at me. I was wondering when you would remember me. You walked over slowly. I noticed Shinya, Die and Totchi were watching. You came over and looked at me. Then you said: ‘I'm coming to get my stuff tomorrow, around midnight. Have it ready.' I didn't say anything. But I know a tear rolled down my cheek. You leaned in close and whispered. ‘I told you, you can never be Totchi, and you can't ever have my heart...' Then you turned around. Linked hands with Die and Totchi and left. I started sobbing. Totchi and Die both looked back all I could do was cry. Shinya wrapped his arms around me and told me it would be okay. He took me home and now, here I sit. It's almost ten. You're coming in two hours.
I stopped eating a while ago. Small portions. I started cutting myself too. It was all a release from the pain you set on me. But I'm dying. I started dying the day I went to the movies with you. I was dying when you kissed me. I was dying when you left me. When you need me again...I'll be dead. Kaoru....all I wanted was you. All I wanted was for you to look at me and to love me. Even if it was only in a friendly way....I'm dying... Kaoru...all I want is to stay in that moment, in the rain when you kissed me. And have you hold me and look at me the way you did. If I could relive that moment....once. I would die happy. But I won't....I'm not going to die happy. But at least I'm letting you know, that I died loving you.
I'm dying. Couldn't you tell? Why didn't you stop it? Kaoru....why?
....Why.....
Love,
Kyo.
~~~~~~
Epilogue ~~~~~~
Kaoru stood over the newly covered grave and cried silent tears.
"It's to late now Kyo....to late. I realized what I had to late. I realized....that night, when I was with the others. I realized that it was you I loved. I was coming home to you, to tell you that I was sorry, to beg for you to forgive me.... Kyo, you died not knowing that I loved you...you died thinking I hated you....Kyo...I'm so sorry. So sorry. I love you." Kaoru talked softly before sliding down and laying on the grass curled into a ball. He reached into his wallet and pulled out the dried bloody razor. Muttering his dead lovers name, Kaoru pressed the edge to the flesh of his wrist and began to press down.....
Rain poured out of the sky and Shinya stood staring at the fountain in the park. He smiled through his tears. Crying for his friends. But somewhere amid the patter of rain drops he swore he could hear a manly voice giggle and say: ‘Look Kaoru! It's raining!' then a voice started singing sweetly: ‘It's a dream I'm in love with you, madoromi dakishimete, Endless rain fall on my heart kokoro no kizu ni, Let me forget all of the hate all of the sadness I awake from my dream, I can't find my way without you...' Shinya felt the tears slid slowly from his eyes. Turning he walked away and disappeared into the rain.
~owari~
So? What do you think? Um the lyrics are from X Japan's Endless Rain. As if you didn't know. Uh, my friend said that I should have made the ending happier. But that was as happy as it gets. Comments anyone?
~Mana Crystal