FebruaryTHE 7, 2001 MICHIGANTHE MICHIGAN REVIEW R —EVIEW The Campus Affairs Journal of the University of Michigan Volume 19, Number 11 February 7, 2001 MR Building the Battle In This Issue: 2 Letters to the Flip-flops, Marches and Resolutions Editor .We explain why Adam BY D.C. LEE However, not every student House, while the Dancy peacefully protesting representing the U-M was other 50% were to is different than some The March for Life is the necessarily there because he go to Planned drunken liberal trying to pick largest pro-life event, march and believed in that for which he was Parenthood, a a fight with thousands of rally in the country. This year, marching. At least that’s the controversial conservatives. Plus, we on the 28th anniversary of Roe conclusion that many students abortion-rights finally hear from a concerned v. Wade, people from around the have drawn after witnessing the clinic. parent. country, and including the “squishy” behavior of Nolan the MSA From University of Michigan, following day at the student representative Doug descended on Washington D.C. government meeting. Every year, Tietz found the 4 Suite One to demonstrate their support for the Vagina Monologues draw a resolution a child’s right to life and their great deal of publicity, and more questionable and We’ve always said the Left displeasure with the seven of importantly, donations from the thus proposed a was wrong, but now here’s nine judges, who in 1973, ruled various students, faculty and resolution in which why. And Bubba succeeds in that a woman’s right to choose residents in the area. 100% of the crapping on the Presidency is more important than this life. Historically, as was true the donations would go up until the last day. Included among the contingent preceding year, 100% of these to support SAFE from the U-M were Young donations have gone to SAFE House, as per Columns Americans for Freedom (YAF) House, a shelter for battered tradition. “Many 5,8 figurehead Chip Englander and women. This year, however, the See FLIP-FLOP Justin talks about what’s Michigan Student Assembly Women’s Issues Commission Page 9 MSA rep. Matt Nolan tells fellow rep. wrong with Abercrombie and (MSA) representative Matt decided that 50% of these Jessica Cash about the March for Life. Fitch, and the Token Nolan. donations were to go to SAFE Libertarian proves that while we all may have voted for ENCOUNTERS WITH THE LEFT Bush, not all of us love him Faith in Washington so. The Attack of the Leftist Professors! A Special BY BRAD SPRECKER gain at the White House travel BY BEN SMITH the history of time has been 6-7 Tribute office, after illegal contributions oppressive and just how this was T THE END of a cold, from a Buddhist temple, after HEN I SIGNED up so. (Ok, maybe not the ENTIRE dark, eight year winter in nuclear secrets were sold to the to take a survey-level history of time…we only went as Awhich personal Chinese and their sudden WCommunication far back as the Big Bang, which, responsibility seemed to retreat elevation to “most favored Studies class, I expected to learn incidentally, was a VERY to some inner sanctum, civility nation” trade status, after all about the mass media—not oppressive event!) Now, I really seemed to lay dormant, and storming a religious compound an altogether crazy notion. I don’t mind if you have a political American identity became a and the adoptive home of an assumed that if I did my affiliation that I don’t agree mélange of hyphenated sub- innocent Cuban child with high- readings, kept one eye on the with….I’ll laugh at you for it, but classifications; at the end of a tech weaponry, after a long, overhead and the other on the it’s your right. What I do mind Features long string of scandal, lawsuit, knock down, drag out, “count crossword, and took the exams is when a professor teaches from 10 innuendo, and a singular soiled and recount” election, AT that I should have an “easy A.” one perspective and refuses to dress, after years of investigation LONG LAST a fresh voice of I should have known better. present both sides of an argument We have your music right into investment fraud, wrongful vision and hope has come to Having spent several years here and let people form their own here! Plus, Kurt becomes an use of FBI resources for political Washington. in the “People’s Republic of Ann opinions. expert in his field. Although it comes as no Arbor” apparently hadn’t taught To sit back at my computer El Señor Quikshot surprise that conservatives greet me anything. About five and write all of the asinine things 11 Number of recent occurences of the new Bush era with much minutes into the opening about this class would (1) be Guípe “BAMN” in the Review excitement and expectation, the lecture, I realized that I had entirely too much fun, and (2) Who’d have thought, pretty entire nation has reason to plunged myself into a twice- exceed vastly the amount of space girls not returning El Señor embrace the new president with weekly, hour and a half session I am allotted for this article. Guípeemails? Plus, our 20 optimism. The reason: after With said reason being true, I am of left wing, quasi-socialist personal ads just in time for having run on a platform as a ranting from a professor who going to give a list of the top ten Valentine’s Day. Someone 10 “uniter, not a divider”, President had only a slight interest in things that pissed me off about PLEASE call Dustin. And Bush has devoted a good deal of teaching me anything about the this class. just because Jim is on an his first two weeks in office mass media. Rather, this (10) The video we watched lifelong mission of

Novt. 22 Dec. 17 Jan. 10 Jan. 24 Current professor had an insatiable vengeance doesn’t make him See BUSH Page 3 desire to tell me, to make a long See ENCOUNTERS Page 3 a bad guy. And Matt’s death story short, that everything in ray? No joke.

First three copies free,additional copies 50 cents. www.michiganreview.com Stealing is Illegal and a sin (Exodus 20:15) Page 2 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW —SERPENT’S TOOTH, LETTERS February 7, 2001 SERPENT’S TOOTH THE MICHIGAN REVIEW Supposedly a group of professors get together each week at the IM Building pool The German government has just The Campus Affairs Journal of and play water polo. In the nude. Yes, announced that in order to curb mad cow the University of Michigan the nude. What we want to know is, how disease, they would be slaughtering “What is this, a f*cking battleship? do they know who's on what team? Hoods 400,000 cattle, or as they called it, vs. Helmets? (Take a second with that one - "relocating" the cattle. Eds) James Y. Yeh A man attacked three women and a stance simply because of tradition the Editor-in-Chief Let's get this straight, the new Bush five kids with a baseball bat and a machete definition of conservative? administration will have an Arab as the in an elementary school in York, Matthew Franczak Secretary of Energy and an Asian as Pennsylvania last week. No fatalities were Publisher Secretary of Labor? What's next, a gay man reported, but as usual, Democrats Bush’s recent campaigjn to reach out James Justin Wilson as Secretary of the Navy? (Our sincere immediately called for more bat and to Democratic legislature has been dubbed Assoc. Publisher, Managing Editor apologies to the Navy.) machete control, with the new lobby the “hug-a-Democrat-a-day” initiative. group Baseball Bat Control, Inc. Senator Bush may want to be careful however lest D.C. Lee Last week, the men's basketball team Joe Lieberman then questioned whether Barney Frank get the wrong idea. Managing Editor was once again thrashed by the Michigan the man was listening to Marilyn State team, with an unusually large Manson or Eminem before the attack, R. Colin Painter contingent of MSU fans. What are all those and again called for the censorship of films We sincerely hope that our fearless Senior Editor MSU people doing in Crisler? What do that feature violent baseball bat attacks, President Bolligner does not leave us for CAMPUS AFFAIRS ED: Ruben Duran they think it is, an unemployment office? like the Untouchables and Casino. more ivy-encrusted grounds. After all, NAT’L AFFAIRS ED: Brad Sprecher without him who avoid making decisions ASSISTANT EDITOR: Gina Fraternali FEATURES EDITOR: Kurt Rademacher It was reported by the Internet Movie The new editorial staff at the Daily for us? SATIRE EDITOR: David Guipe Database that actress Alyssa Milano enjoys declaired that page 4 would take liberal COPY EDITOR: Tyce DeBoer gardening topless. Wow, just like in our stances because the Daily has traditionally ONLINE EDITOR: Branden Muhl dreams... been a liberal paper. But guys, isn’t taking MUSIC EDITOR: John Pratt STAFF WRITERS: Margaret Allen, Adam Dancy, Alexander Bokov, Ryan Serra, Ben Smith, LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Michael Veeser EDITORS EMERITI: Lee Bockhorn issue. ideas. Constructive disagreement has the Benjamin Kepple Review has “double -Laura Reeds capacity to augment one's personal The Michigan Review is the independent, student-run jour- standard” demeanor and growth. nal of conservative and libertarian opinion at the University Ms. Reed, you make a good point. If I am troubled a little about your of Michigan. We neither solicit nor accept monetary dona- tions from the U–M. Contributions to the Michigan Review As a Libertarian, I greatly enjoy we are guilty of anything, however, it is opinions on diversity and affirmative are tax-deductible under Section 501 (c)(3) of the Internal reading your newspaper. I find it a poorly showing our feelings. We didn’t relish action which you mistakenly seem to Revenue Code. The Review is not affiliated with any political refreshing alternative to the liberal trash in the beating and arrest of that a-hole in defined as a racial preference. Since party or university political group. that masquerades as news in other D.C. because he was a liberal a-hole, we words have so much currency in the Unsigned editorials represent the opinion of the editorial board. Ergo, they are unequivocally correct and just. Signed publications. I have never written in relished it because he was being a drunk information age, this perspective on articles, letters, and cartoons represent the opinions of the response to an article before, believing that dickhead that was admittedly trying to pick affirmative action and diversity naturally author and not necessarily those of the Review. The Serpent’s Tooth shall represent the opinion of individual anonymous writers have a right to have their opinions a fight with the people around him, and it creates conflict; but that in my opinion is contributors to the Review, and should not necessarily be heard, regardless of whether I agree with was he that started the fight that lead to healthy and can be rewarding at the end taken as representative of the Review’s editorial stance. The opinions presented in this publication are not necessarily them or not. However, I felt that I had to his expulsion from the viewing area, not of the day. My only reservation is that those of the advertisers or of the University of Michigan. We point out a rather blatant contradiction in the Republican crowd that was there. In dogma from the right is equally as welcome letters, articles, and comments about the journal. your latest edition. In two articles, "The the other hand, what was Mr. Dancy doing worthless as dogma from the left and the Hey liberals, you know that burning feeling you felt inside Shattering of a Dream" and "Marching for other than trying to get his views across reader is left with circular dialogue without when you heard about PRESIDENT Bush’s money for faith- based organizations plan or when John Ashcroft was con- Hate," you lambasted (and rightly so) the peacefully? Whenever he was physically any redeeming function or value. firmed as Attorney General? Yeah, well get used to it. It’s BAMN members who attacked Mr. Dancy attacked, he turned the other cheek and Nonetheless, I do encourage spirited only been two weeks, with at least 206 weeks left. Maybe, by the 104th week, it may eventually sink in that a REPUBLI- for standing up for what he believed in never did hit back. Was Mr. Dancy drunk? combat and issue-based analytical dialogue CAN IS IN THE WHITE HOUSE! Better sign up for those and protesting in the face of a crowd which No. Was he trying to pick a fight? No. Was on serious life-altering issues. Absence of anger management courses soon, Ann Arbor only has so many of them. And if you want to prevent a second term, make did not share his views. On the same page, he otherwise hostile in any way? No. We this type of exchange creates a void. The sure you teach your voters how to vote first. another article, "On the Steps of the Hill," apologize for not making that more clear. - resultant effects of underdeveloped Please address all advertising, subscription inquiries, and detailed a road trip to the capitol. On Eds thinking is lethal to our societal growth donations to Publisher c/o the Michigan Review. page 3, the author of the article described and progress so please carry on and offer Editorial and Business Offices: the beating of a protester and described it We may not be right, up more divergent views on the prevalent The Michigan Review as "the crowning moment of the entire issues of the day. 911 N. University Avenue, Suite One but we’re needed Ann Arbor, MI 48109-1265 ceremony." I don't understand how you I look forward to another visit on [email protected] http://www.michiganreview.com can, in one case, denounce an attack on I am a parent with a daughter campus because after completing my Tel. (734) 647-8438 • Fax (734) 936–2505 Mr. Dancy and then, in the next article, currently attending the university. Often loving but obligatory gopher, parenting Copyright © 2000 The Michigan Review, Inc. All rights reserved. condone an attack on another person during my forays onto your campus I like role for my daughter, my visit on campus The Michigan Review is a member of the Collegiate Network. under similar circumstances. Both should to survey as many newspapers and will provide me yet another opportunity be exposed for what they are; an attempt unconventional perspectives as possible to read the Michigan Review and that is Love us or hate us, by those who do not like a particular often just for some amusement and on a good thing.... write us. message to censor that message through occasion to enrich my intellectual capital. violence. I understand that these articles Your publication, although a bit Thanks, were written by different people. Even still, mediocre in substance, nonetheless has E-mail [email protected] with subject, “Letter to the Editor” I would have hoped that you, as editors, value; and as a person of color I enjoy -Greg Thrasher Or send mail to: would have had the good sense to recognize your perspective on race related topics. The Michigan Review this double-standard and prevent it from Alternative opinions and dissent have 911 N. University Ave. tarnishing the what was otherwise a great enormous value in the market place of Ann Arbor, MI 48109 February 7, 2001 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW —CAMPUS/NATIONAL AFFAIRS Page 3

new single next month….”BAMN Killer.” allocated for non-religious activities. And ENCOUNTERS (3)The lovely informational session BUSH if any unscrupulous body decides to divert we had on the history of the movie such funds toward a religious cause, Continued from Page 1 Continued from Page 1 industry. It was all well and good until we private civil liberties groups will in class that said the news media aren’t learned how each era of Hollywood toward garnering support for policies that undoubtedly be there to check such abuses left leaning. Have these people read the irrevocably oppressed the proletariats. will both involve and assist all citizens. with necessary litigation. Daily recently? Damn, they have us all figured out…..we At the top of the President’s list of Quite outside the opposition (9) The day the Professor told us must join forces with the movie industry priorities is equitable government support addressed previously, many churches what a moron George W. Bush was to squash the rebellion. for both secular and faith-based charities. themselves are concerned that government because he didn’t know all of the state 2)The day our professor came to our Of course, the mere mention of public money may come with government capitals. Excuse me, professor, that’s discussion section. Ever-ready to listen funds for religious groups will snap regulation. This is an important issue to President George W. Bush to you! Ha! to the opinions of others, the professor church/state police to rapt attention. In consider, especially when it may dictate (8) The day we learned all about the forced a ridiculous stance regarding an a Tuesday (01/27) speech to a Christian the way in which the charitable activities grand social contributions of “Gangsta insignificant media event on the class, grade-school in Washington, President will be performed. If, as some churches Rap.” Yeah…..no comment necessary. cutting off anyone who was disagreeing Bush, joined in attendance by a diverse will want to do, the charitable organization (7) The warm feeling I got in with or questioning the argument. (Which Congressional entourage, including Sen.’s. wishes to use its newfound resources as a class….it felt just like my days with Mrs. amounted to the entire class!) Way to Joseph Lieberman, Rick Santorum, Mark means of conscription to the religious Anderson in second grade! Oh yeah, lest foster the learning environment. These Souder, and Tony Hall, was quick to cause, state funding would certainly be out I forget to mention that the reason it felt liberals….always open to new ideas. respond to his critics. “Government,” he of line. For this reason, government funds like this was because she spoke to us on a (1)The day we learned about how said, “cannot fund and will not fund should be distributed with very stringent slightly lower level than that of my oppressive the internet is….the conclusive religious activities.” But, he said, by the criteria regarding their use. To avoid schoolhouse days at age seven. Silly proof was found in a survey from 1995!! same token, denying government dollars lawsuits from vigilant external parties, the undergraduates we were…clearly we must Apparently, only white males were dialing to “faith-based” charity programs is charitable group will need to adopt strict be talked down to, threatened with the in via their Apple II’s back then. Clearly, paramount to discrimination based upon accounting measures. Although this will confiscation of ringing cell phones, and this is still relevant. I am sure nothing religious conviction. undoubtedly saddle local churches with ridiculed for asking certain questions. has changed since then...that pesky In fact, it seems quite antithetical for unwanted new responsibilities, additional This must be what it takes to enlighten us “information revolution” must have been Bush’s opponents to argue against public resources will, at the same time, serve to to the wonderful ways of the left. a figment of my imagination. (When funds for religious charities. If the end alleviate the cost of staff needed to oversee (6)The time BAMN came in and took asked about this, the professor assured goal of the separation of church and state compliance with federal guidelines. up 30 minutes of class time (class time us that these statistics – gathered in 1993- was fairness to all citizens, regardless of On a final note, constitutional that my student loans paid for) to force 94 are still perfectly valid…no need to creed, why should government scholars such as William Allen are quick upon us their ludicrous ideology, and left worry!) preferentially send money to those to mention that the Founding Fathers to thunderous applause initiated by the With all that being said, I did learn charitable organizations whose creeds are forbade government “establishment of professor. one or two things in the class. Best of all, secular? If the end goal of the separation religion” not that the state might be (5)The day we watched a scene from I got an “A.” I only wish that perhaps of church and state was to strengthen a protected from any church, but that the a movie and the professor stopped it after ideas other than those that were spilling feeling of belonging to a community, why church might be protected from a a humorous scene, only to explain the off the left side of the cliff might have should those organizations that wish to powerful state. Even if the clause was joke to us because she could tell that “the been presented for our analysis. It seems bind broken communities be excluded intended to save the state from a laughter was racially divided.” It’s nice only fair to allow people the right to form from access to funds for that purpose? threatening church, Bush’s plan to send to see we’re moving past this racial divide. their own opinions based on both sides It is clear that the separation of public money to religious charity is no Keep up the good work. of an issue—especially in an educational church and state is intended to deter clear menace. On the contrary, the plan (4)When we were graciously atmosphere. I also wish that we could government from advancing the teachings offers to help a compelling state interest: informed that the song “Cop Killer” have been treated as though we were of any one religious body. In this regard, that of the health, home, and happiness should not be censored…..are there no young adults at a prestigious university, the President’s plan is completely within of its citizens. MR societal norms of decency anymore? rather than as delinquents in a high school the limits of the law. As Bush says, Should we just create products that classroom. Oh well, I guess it’s the price charitable government funds shall only be advocate the murder of whoever we don’t you pay when you go to a liberal like? Good idea. I’m coming out with a university. MR Serpent’s Special! Subscribe To The Michigan Review! For a tax-deductible contribution of $35 or more, you’ll receive a year’s subscription to the Michigan Review, which includes 14 biweekly issues plus our annual summer new student issue. Your subscription will allow you to keep tabs on the radical left that infests Ann Arbor, and it will also updated you on the continued erosion of traditional academic standards and the politicization of the classroom. Reclaim the University of Michigan from the infiltration of the Left, subscribe to the Michigan Review! Please send my subscription to: Name: Address:

Please make check or money order payable to: The Michigan Review 911 N. University Avenue, Suite One Ann Arbor, MI 48109-1265 While Harvard expressed interest in making Lee “Mophead” Bollinger its next president, it has also expressed interest in having Bollinger perform in a somewhat lesser capacity. Page 4 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW —EDITORIALS February 7, 2001 FROM SUITE ONE Worse Than A Crime, A Blunder: Three Strategic Mistakes of Leftism ODERN LEFTISTS ARE may have to make a demand leveraged and its parent organization, Revolutionary from the memes you already have accepted typically attacked on moral by power; a stick. When one does make Worker’s League, leftist pressure groups to each of the new, probationary memes. M grounds— their lack of respect demands, the intelligent thing to do is ignore any opportunities for negotiations. If you are being asked to ally with for civil liberties and the liberal/rationalist exercise as little power as possible. Just They often don’t even issue a demand somebody and doing so is not a direct tradition of the Enlightenment. What the right amount of power to teach the leveraged by power, whether real or imperative of your existing memes, you hasn’t been done enough is to point out other party some respect without imaginary. Instead, they proceed as if have every right to demand a practical/ the flaws in leftism relative to a value that foreclosing on the possibility that in the everyone who disagrees with them is like strategic justification of why this alliance everybody (hopefully) shares, regardless of future they will ‘learn their lesson’ and seek the above-mentioned mugger. They play is beneficial. personal politics: practicality and common out win-win interactions. Obviously, there their trump card right from the beginning, 3. Equality sense. are cases where there is no possibility for and unfortunately for them, this trump Leftism tacitly places a high priority 1. No Justice, No Peace future cooperation at all— if you’re being card turns out to just be a lot of noise and on the equality of all people (or, in the The most obvious clash between mugged, forget about speaking softly and name-calling. case of environmentalist leftism, equality leftism and practicality is victim politics. carrying a big stick, just draw whatever Nevertheless, oil companies and of all organisms) and critics rarely If a reasonable person wants something weapon you’ve got and use it as effectively logging companies are falling over challenge this logic. Where did this from another reasonable person, they as you can! themselves to show everybody how green equality meme come from, anyway? It’s negotiate; they bargain until they arrive If one lacks both a carrot and a stick, they are. The Republican Party wraps itself not even false— it’s meaningless because at a win-win solution; a carrot. If a win- one cannot count on getting what one in the mantle of ‘compassionate’ it is an incomplete statement. Equality win solution is absolutely not possible, one wants; it’s time to rethink strategy until a conservatism. The University of Michigan with respect to what? carrot or stick can be found. Like BAMN loses a lucrative contract with Nike Let’s for argument’s sake suppose because it won’t stand up to a small group we’re talking about equality with respect of professional activists trespassing on to the Ultimate Good. This is a question Pardon Me! University property. What’s more of personal conviction, but there is a remarkable is that an organization such working approximation of the Ultimate Clinton’s pardons abused power as BAMN, which couldn’t bring anything Good that won’t be too far off from the ANUARY 20TH, 2001 will be administration was not welcome. The to the table if it tried— neither votes to a consensus of most creeds— the survival remembered simply as the date yet departing ex-President (now scumbag-at- politician, nor significant investor or of our species and ultimately its spread another President took office. It will large) did not feel it was enough to rape consumer dollars to a corporation, nor through the universe. With respect to this J prestige or school spirit to a campus— Ultimate Good, it’s self evident that every part of the pictograph in history books the Constitution and leave it crumpled and where one notices Bush Sr. is only one whimpering in the corner; he must add doesn’t even realize its own outrageous human being cannot possibly have equal space away from Bush Jr. But the scandal insult to injury, and play pranks on the fortune at being able to influence policy value. That doesn’t mean that we should that took place on January 19th should incoming administration; to the tune of at all. They have the gall to make demands shun those we think have lesser value for never be forgotten. The eve of the $200,000. This obvious demonstration from a position of weakness, and don’t a simple reason— we are extremely bad Presidential Inauguration has been known of indiscretion and ethical wrongdoing is even bother to say ‘thank you’ when the at appraising this value. The point of the to be subject to many controversial, almost expected from one of the most ‘patriarchal’ ‘imperialist’ ‘corporate’ system tolerance meme as handed down by our occasionally humorous, 11th-hour ethically corrupt administrations in the decides to humor them. As if there’s some Enlightenment liberal heritage is not that activities by lame-duck Presidents and history of the country. overarching morality inherent in the fabric everyone and everything literally has equal their administrations. However, not since The Clinton Administration should of reality and having this morality on your value, but rather as a heuristic to keep us President Adams and the Midnight Judges be held accountable for the wrongdoings side is all the reason anybody should ever erring on the safe side. has the power of the Oval Office been that it committed. To allow obvious need to do what you tell them. A person doesn’t have to make a abused so thoroughly as it was last month. criminals and social deviants to walk free 2. Part of the Solution or Part of the detectable contribution to group survival; Bubba’s last act as The Most Powerful is a disgrace to the country and a mockery Problem he can even be a passive ‘drain’ on the Man in the World was to pardon 176 of the Constitution. While legal and Like genes, things people believe are group’s resources because you never convicted criminals, many of whom were Constitutional, the Presidential-issued, mix-n-match. Let’s call these belief-atoms know. There is no need to act against him connected to the Arkansas-based Rose late-night pardons are an obvious parting ‘memes’. Like genes, some memes tend until it is clear beyond the shadow of a Law Firm and the Clintler-family shot by the losing side. To allow any justly- to cluster together— for example, by doubt that he is not only failing to Whitewater scandal. Included in this convicted criminal to walk out of prison historic coincidence, feminism happens contribute but is actively and significantly “Great Break-Out”, according to the solely because they were owed a favor is to have allied with Gay-rights and African- harming individuals or society as a whole. National Review, were Susan Rosenberg, not only corrupt, it is evil. The American-rights while fiscal conservatism This particular topic can be stalemated a former Weather Underground Radical Presidential power of pardon was placed happens to have allied with religion. by challenging the working definition of convicted of hauling explosives and in the Constitution so that the President There are African-American Ultimate Good. That’s easier said than weapons used for terrorist attacks in could have the power to check the conservatives. There are Libertarian Gay done because 1) species survival subsumes 1984, Mel Reynolds, convicted of bank Supreme Court, not so he could let his people. There are Christians opposed to so many other codes of ethics and 2) one fraud and pedophilia, and Marc Rich, who friends loose when he had nothing to lose. capital punishment and U.S. imperialism would have to come up with some non- was on the lamb for buying oil illegally In collaboration with all of the other abroad. If you wish to buy into a pre- reducible definition of Ultimate Good from Iran while that country held US ethically impure actions the Clinton packaged ideology, that’s your prerogative, with respect to which all humans really citizens hostage, as well as racketeering administration took, this one takes the but don’t get fooled into thinking that’s would be equal. and 51 counts of tax evasion. The list cake. It is not enough that our nation’s the only option. In summary, the equality mantra of goes on… leader has presented himself as a liar, thief Leftists don’t own a single one of ‘their’ leftism is illogical; insisting on linking all This is only one part of a great deal and traitor; now he appears as a vandal causes. They can’t claim any inherent supposedly leftist causes is intellectually of vandalism committed by the departing and “way out” for convicted felons. monopoly over opposition to, say, dishonest; and demanding that others administration. From writing “Bush Hopefully, the next four years will return domestic violence or hate crimes. If you conform to the demands of one’s own Licker” on one wall of the White House honor and dignity to the highest office in are being asked to accept two memes, morality without either a reward or a to removing all the “W’s” on the the land. God knows the last eight have unless the connection between them is credible threat is downright lousy strategy. keyboards of computers, Herr Clintler’s tarnished it.MR self-evident to you, you have every right MR cronies made sure the incoming to demand a line of reasoning leading By Alex Bokov February 7, 2001 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW —COLUMNS Page 5 DON’T DO ANYTHING I WOULDN’T DO A & F: Screwing Kids Since 1892

ALWAYS DREAMED of being an double any reasonable price for most of “catalogs” and “shorts.” Maybe the Sears- dancing. Abercrombie boy; actually I believe their stuff, I usually wondered down to Roebuck catalog is their next target. The material was so “questionable,” I the preferred nomenclature is the GAP. I just can’t stand A & F stores, A judge realized the frivolous nature Attorney Generals in Michigan and “Abercrombie Boi.” My great-great- and it’s not like their catalogues are much of the lawsuit and dismissed it, but that Indiana contemplated citing A & F for grandfather, James Wilson I, was an better. doesn’t let A & F off the hook. They have, violating public decency laws, citing laws Abercrombie enthusiast, but not of the The second rant is simple; I’ve had and continue to work to form a monopoly requiring proof of age in order to sell their contemporary enough with these damn A & F “sports on the youth clothing market. Everyone catalogues. Since then, A & F has strain. He and teams.” You know what I’m talking already knows that American Eagle and required proof of age and shrink-wrapped Teddy Roosevelt about: the A & F soccer teams and A & the rest are SOL when it comes to the more recent issues. Balderdash, if a actually went on F hockey teams. What’s next, A & F popularity; they are the Pepsi of colas, the pimply faced fourteen year-old wants a a safari together League Bowling or A & F Lawn Darts? I Beta-max of video tapes, the MSU of Big catalog, he’s going to get one. almost mean, is the Men’s Warehouse going to Ten universities. This kind of business Now, notice I said “he.” There is completely start training an Olympic bobsled team? practice, while effective, is disingenuous something to be said about the outfitted by what And where do these teams of theirs play? in that it stifles competition, drives up homosexual tendency of A & F. It’s no was then the Grosse Pointe? Long Island? Is there an prices, and generally messes up the secret that A & F targets gay youth. Their leading outfitter, IM Sports league just for them that I don’t market. stores, their website, their catalog, hell, Abercrombie James know about? Seriously, if you heed any This is not to say that A & F’s clothing even their shopping bags are covered in and Fitch. But Justin of my advice, don’t buy this crap, it’s just is sub standard quality-wise. This is not half naked men. Those half-naked photos things have Wilson stupid. All it says is that you weren’t good the case at all; they do provide a product. are shot by Bruce Weber, a well-known changed since enough to make it onto a real team, so But don’t take my word for it, the erotic gay photographer. Lisa Lenior, of the days of yore. you just bought the shirt. Ok, on to the proof is in the pudding. In 1998, A & F the Chicago Sun Times, explained that I have always been, and probably good stuff. had 156 stores and posted record earnings “Greek god-like images are a Weber always will be, your typical tee shirt and This critique could easily take a left of over $500 million. Meanwhile, trademark, where men become sexual jeans kind of guy. But during my formative turn into oblivion, so I feel it necessary American Eagle, with its 336 stores, barely objects with their chiseled physiques years, Abercrombie aficionados were “the serving as hangers for boxers and cargo sh*t.” They attracted women like a piece pants.” of road kill attracts flies, and just seemed It’s no secret that A & F targets gay youth. These kids are at a critical and to have life easier than me. Meanwhile, I confusing stage in their life, and the last was still wearing my tee shirt and jeans, Their stores, their website, their catalog, hell, thing they need is some two-bit corporate chugging away – it seemed endless. clothing manufacturer to exemplify an In my old age, I’ve come to even their shopping bags are covered in half alternative lifestyle, and then taunt them understand a little more about naked men. with sultry gay imagery. Now, I’m not Abercrombie and Fitch, and what makes saying that being gay is wrong, or anything it the single most powerful marketing remotely like that – that is a whole other force among American youth. Its power to say that I believe that capitalism is the made $400 million. That’s half the profit, column. What I am saying is that A & F stems from the strong tendency of teens, life blood of our economy. I also believe judging by the number of stores. shouldn’t have any role in influencing these and even some of us, to put more value in the First Amendment and all its What is the catalysis for A & F’s kids, especially when it comes to such a on material goods and appearance than trapping. If A & F wants to sell anal beads success? Marketing, but therein lies the delicate issue. more endearing personality characteristics (I don’t even know what they are, but they balance of the problem. A & F’s What it all boils down to is simple: – teens like eye candy. Along with that, sound disgusting.) and dildos, that is their marketing strategy revolves around sex, sex sells. But so does a bunch of color- clique formation and mob behavior are prerogative. Along with that, any and all and lots of it. The problem stems from coordinated people dancing to “They Call also dominant behaviors, and, of course, marketing strategies that promote goods their targeted demographic, kids – not Me Mellow Yellow.” Which technique all of this requires a means of are, in my opinion, fair game. But these teens, not college students, kids. Following they choose is up to them, the suppliers identification. Abercrombie’s marketers both fall on the supply-side of the Phillip Morris’ lead, A & F realized that – where we shop is up to us, the found the niche and have managed to fully equation. We, the demanders, also have it needed to hook kids young and ride demanders. That is the point of all of capitalize on it. Now the real question is a say in what is produced and how it is them as long as possible. Of course they this. what this is doing to America’s youth. marketed. like the older crowd as well, but that is Kids, they look up to us; they emulate Before I go any further, I have two That being said, the critique begins. not where the money is. Children of soccer us. Now, ask yourself, do you want your superfluous rants that I have to get off my A & F’s problems began in 1997 with its moms and executive dads who “just can’t little brother or sister assimilating chest: introduction of A & F Quarterly, its live without” those $80 cargo pants are A themselves into little A & F drones? You The first regards the nature of pseudo-magazine/catalog. Earlier that & F’s aim. want a bunch of little sex charged kids, Abercrombie stores. I’ve ventured (or year, A & F had already brought attention Now, lets get back to that pudding I procreating like jackrabbits, running been dragged) into A & F a few times. to American Eagle’s alleged copying was talking about before. The 1999 around all looking the same? And while From the very start I always felt a little practice, citing a particular pair of plain Christmas A & F Quarterly, “Naughty or it’s totally reprehensible for the out of my element. I was surrounded by forest green shorts that were similar. Nice,” included some “questionable government to censor or ban A & F into sorority-chicks-to-be and jocks clad in Three months after A & F Quarterly material” (read: porn). More specifically, oblivion, you can do something. Take their trademark of choice, A & F. I made debuted, American Eagle released it featured an interview with porn-star off that damn hat and moth ball the it past the giant homoerotic poster in the American Quarterly, their own catalog. Jenna Jameson and was smattered with a sweater. Go buy some original clothing, front, only to find myself assaulted by a That was evidently the proverbial straw, bunch of naked photos of men and and for gods sake, stop wearing those cacophony of obnoxiously loud techno because A & F proceeded to sue American women, or should I say boys and girls. f*cking A & F team shirts. I hate those – music. Maybe it’s just me, but this is not Eagle for “intentional and systematic Tell me this, if this is a catalog, what kind a lot. MR exactly conducive to buying pants or a copying of Abercrombie’s brand, its of clothing do naked people sell? More stupid shirt. After looking around and images and business practices.” Evidently recently, the fall A & F Quarterly featured Thanks to the guys at the Cornell Review realizing that they were charging at least A & F though it had exclusive rights to a photo spread of a male lap-dancer, well, who inspired this column. Page 6 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — SPECIAL TRIBUTE February 7, 2001 REAGAN AT 90

BY R. COLIN PAINTER

VER TWO CENTURIES ago, our forefathers brought into being a Great Republic, her key devotions being the protection of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. That Great Republic remains today, having survived a tumultuous, yet prosperous history. As we bid farewell to the 20th century it does well to pay careful attention to Oone of those great men so rare in history. Like Alexander or Caesar, or perhaps more aptly, Washington or Lincoln, Ronald Wilson Reagan looms large in the annals of heroes. Ronald Reagan was born in Tampico, Illinois, on Feb. 6, 1911 to an unassuming family that was hard- working and devoted to the American dream. Reagan was very much his parents’ son, and he remembered their lessons and ethics throughout his life. After graduating from Eureka College, he began a career as a radio announcer, covering local sports interests. A business trip to California in 1937 resulted in a deal with Warner Bros. to play a radio announcer in the movie “Love is on the Air.” Reagan then went on to star in more than 50 movies, including “Knute Rockne—All American” and “King’s Row.” His role as George Gipp earned him the famous moniker, “the Gipper.” Reagan took a break from acting in 1942 and served in active duty for three years in the US Army, attaining the rank of Captain. In 1947 he was elected president of the Screen Actor’s Guild, and served that office for five one-year terms. In 1949 his marriage to Jane Wyman ended in divorce, and in 1952 he married Nancy Davis, with whom they had two children. During this time, Reagan, who had until then been a New Deal Democrat, began to mature in his political philosophies, and he slowly became a conservative Republican in the mold of Barry Goldwater, the father of modern American conservatism. In 1962 he officially joined the GOP. Several Republican elders of California suggested that he continue with his political campaign and run for governor. Reagan beat incumbent Governor Edmund G. Brown, Sr., by a margin of over one million votes, the largest plurality by which a sitting governor has lost an election throughout American history. Reagan served two four-year terms as governor of California, and then turned his focus to the presidency. During Ford’s and Carter’s presidencies, the nation’s military readiness, economic prosperity, and prestige quickly plummeted. The time was right for a new political order, a phenomenon later called the “Reagan Revolution.” Reagan handily beat George H.W. Bush for the GOP nomination in 1980, and brushed aside Carter’s impotent and ineffective campaign to win the general election by a landslide—he swept all but 6 states. All but the most outrageously liberal experts on domestic policy agreed Reagan’s ideas (called “Reaganomics” by the media) were the medicine necessary to heal the country’s wounds after Carter’s meddling. Reagan quickly and decisively slashed the federal budget by $39 billion, and followed by greasing the wheels of industry with a whopping 25% tax cut for the poor and middle class. Unemployment, which had hovered at 10% under Carter, plummeted to a mere 5.5% by the end of Reagan’s presidency in 1988. Inflation, which had also peaked under Carter at 13.5%, gradually fell to 4-6%—all of this without the Internet or the “New Economy.” Reagan’s White House further ravaged the bloated federal budget by deregulating inefficient and wasteful industries, including the airlines—Reagan further demonstrated his strength as a leader and revolutionary when a strike by the air traffic controller’s union threatened to bring the nation to a screeching halt. Reagan, as a former union president, reacted brilliantly— he fired every last one of the controllers and hired new ones, reaffirming his loyalty to the conservative philosophy of his mentor, Barry Goldwater. The people adored him. He gave them the strong leader for which they had been yearning. In 1984 he won by a huge landslide; he won every state but Minnesota (and Washington DC) and grabbed 525 electoral votes, the most in US history. More important than his domestic successes, however, were President Reagan’s skillful breakthroughs in foreign policy. He took a hard-line with the Soviets at first, due to an atrocity which occurred in the Far East. In 1983 a Soviet MIG shot down a civilian South Korean airliner, killing hundreds of men, women, and children. The world, and America specifically, reacted with indignation and outrage at the brutal massacre perpetrated by the “Evil Empire,” and this event helped shape foreign policy during the rest of Reagan’s years in office. Other tragedies during his Presidency also led him to decisive action on the behalf of peace and freedom. In 1983 a crazed Muslim extremist exploded a bomb in the barracks of a US Marine peacekeeping contingent in Beirut, Lebanon, murdering 241 Americans. Two years later, Libyan terrorists hijacked TWA 847, holding 39 passengers hostage for 17 days and murdering an American sailor on furlough who was on board. A few months later, Muslim terrorists hijacked the Italian ocean liner Achille Lauro, and murdered an elderly American passenger. Reagan responded with lethal force against American threats around the globe. As for the Soviet Union, Reagan’s brilliant mix of peaceful summits and steady military build- up caused an implosion of the Soviet military-industrial machine, and was the direct cause for the disintegration of the communist bloc and the subsequent establishment of democracy throughout Eastern Europe and Central Asia, a sweet breath of freedom for hundreds of millions of people who had until then lived as slaves under the brutal regimes of repressive police states. “Governme Reagan is in the twilight of his years now, but he casts a long shadow over his successors—his strength in a decade of fear and uncertainty was a beacon in a cold world, inspiring those yearning for freedom around the globe, from East Berlin (“Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!”) to Tiananmen Square in Beijing. He also changed the face of American politics—he took the new Goldwater conservatism and made it mainstream, refreshing the old and decrepit federal machine and giving new vibrancy to the nation’s “My fellow government, setting the stage for the “New Economy” based on deregulation, the Internet and the free flow of information across the planet. He knew, unlike most Democrats, that the American people could be trusted, and indeed, HAD to be trusted to run their own affairs. This is a tribute to a brave American, and it is fitting to end with a quote from his Second Inaugural Address which accurately sums of his firmest of beliefs, his faith in the average American; “No arsenal or no weapon in the arsenals of the world is so legislation th formidable as the ... moral courage of free men and women.”MR February 7, 2001 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — SPECIAL TRIBUTE Page 7 “It’s Morning Again in America.” “With our eyes fixed on the future, but recognizing the realities of today. . . . we will achieve our destiny to “It is not my intention to do away with be as a shining city on a hill for all mankind to see.” government. It is rather to make it work — work with us, not over us; stand by our side, not ride on our back. Government can and “It is the Soviet Union must provide opportunity, not smother it; that runs against the foster productivity, not stifle it. This tide of history.... [It is] Administration’s objective will be a healthy, the march of freedom vigorous, growing economy. “ and democracy which will leave Marxism-Leninism on the ash heap of history as it has left other tyrannies which stifle the freedom and muzzle the self-expression of the people.” “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” “Republicans believe every day is “Did you hear that the the fourth of July, Democrats communists now have a believe every days is April 15th.” “The key to restoring million dollar lottery for their people? The the health of the winners get a dollar for a economy lies in million years.” cutting taxes. At the same time, we need to get the waste out of federal spending.” “In closing, let me thank you, the American people, for giving me the great honor of allowing me to serve as your president. When the Lord calls me home, whenever that day may be, I will leave with the greatest love for this country of ours and eternal optimism for its future. I now begin the journey that will lead me into the sunset of my life. I know that for America there will always be a bright dawn ahead.” “Sometimes when a cabinet meeting starts to drag, I wonder what would happen is the jar on the table was filled with “Government does not solve problems - it subsidizes them.” jalapeno jelly beans.” “My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.” Page 8 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — COLUMNS February 7, 2001 SCIENTIA ET VERITAS So This is “Compassionate Conservatism?”

About three months ago, I did to accomplish the former is giving me establishing the sort of coalition that could be paying for a procedure many Americans, something I’m not proud of: I voted for some trouble. Instead of simply refraining make progress on education reform, tax myself included, believe to be on some level George W. Bush. No, there was no poorly from nailing interns, lying under oath, cuts, and other items on the Bush agenda murder, I was shocked at Bush’s timing. constructed ballot behind this fact; I fully and accepting illegal campaign with a degree of bipartisan support. Not only did he chose to act at a moment intended to vote for our new president contributions, thereby gradually However, some of these appointees when Democrats already were having fits and if the election were held again I still reestablishing the American people’s happened to be pro-choice, a fact which about confirming Ashcroft, but he did it would. In fact, I have defended Bush for respect for the office of the presidency, was not to the liking of the social on the anniversary of the Roe v. Wade president more than many conservatives Bush has decided to go for the quick fix conservatives who made it known that ruling. The pro-choice side was infuriated, I know, although and simply throw in a little God. their continued backing was contingent the pro-life side was ecstatic, and battle this may be because During the campaign, Bush, billing upon Bush placing a little more emphasis lines were drawn. Not missing a beat, when I saw that some of himself as right-leaning but still willing on the second part of “compassionate asked, Bush supported a ban on the use of his actions did not to reach out to Democrats and conservatism.” Bush was presented with tissue from aborted fetuses for research, have so many clear compromise in order to get things done, the fork in the road every president must an action which would severely limit merits. Even so, if which seemed like the right attitude for face. He could either try to reach out to research on stem cells, the not fully the man who I someone who had to work with a closely moderates across the aisle and risk losing differentiated cells from which other tissues barely supported divided congress on many touchy issues. the support of the extremes of his own develop, which show great promise for for president and Instead, Bush appears to be catering to party or appease the strong conservatives treating a wide variety of diseases affecting who has busily the religious right, pressing a and hope he does not burn too many tissues that do not regenerate well within worked at eroding Matthew controversial social agenda while trying bridges in the process; Bush swerved to adults, particularly the nervous system. my confidence in Franczak to wed God and government in faith- the right. Banning such research is as backward as him since entering based initiatives. In retrospect, it should Senator John Ashcroft was the 19th century laws that forced scientists office slips up any No, we didn’t screw up, that is have been apparent that Bush would try nominated for Attorney General. to illegally dig up the freshly dead in order further, I may be his real column picture. to study human anatomy. making a Baldwinesque threat to move to Finally, Bush’s latest initiative in what international waters. This made it quite easy for Bush to become the seems to be turning into a campaign to I voted for Bush and possibly will alienate anybody who is less socially again in 2004 for one important reason: lesser of two evils, seeing as all he had to do conservative than your average Missouri He is not Al Gore. Although I agree with was promise to restore a little dignity to the Republican is the faith-based charity the Naderites in the assessment that when initiative. Like many others who believe they are compared on paper and from a presidency and cut taxes to win me over. that separation of church and state, although reasonably distant ideological viewpoint not the text of the 1st Amendment, is a Bush and Gore dissolve into a blob of dousing the Oval Office with divinity in Ashcroft, of course, is sufficiently very good idea, I am suspicious of the centrist goo, poll-driven politics, and an attempt to clean the various Clinton qualified for the post, having served as a government, wary of organized religion, and stupid catchphrases characteristic of stains. After all, invoking God in the state attorney general, governor, and a absolutely frightened when the two are Compassionate (but still) Conservatives public realm is just the sort of innovative member of the US Senate. The problem combined. The problem with Bush’s faith- and New (but not improved) Democrats, political tactic you would expect from a is that John Ashcroft is the sort of based charity plan is that it seems to have the style and tone each of these two would guy who has a dog named “Spot;” even politician that puts the “religiously no purpose other than channeling bring to office is starkly different. There the extremely “inventive” Gore campaign conservative” in “religiously conservative government funds into the coffers of was a reason Al Gore could never make tried it in its emphasis of Joe Lieberman’s Southern Republican” and unlike many religious organizations. Groups that are his way clear of Bill Clinton’s shadow; Al strong religious convictions. Of course other high level positions, like the head religiously aligned are already allowed to Gore is Bill Clinton’s shadow. Clinton’s there were warning signs. Back in the of the EPA or Secretary of State, the form charities capable of receiving silhouette maintains self-righteousness, days of the Republican primary, pressure Attorney General has the power to make government funds, for example The dishonesty, lack of respect for the law and from the moderate McCain placed Bush some decisions on extremely partisan Salvation Army and Catholic Charities, but Constitution, underhanded tactics, in the arms of the religious right, a group issues involved in the enforcement of our they must be fiscally independent 501(C)(3) hypocrisy, of the original, but lacks the that normally occupies itself with reading nation’s laws. Although the charges by non-profit organizations. This distinction charisma, shameless opportunism, and the Bible, trying to get prayer in schools, critics that Ashcroft would not enforce is appropriate since religious organizations unyielding commitment to do what is condemning homosexuals, and ruining laws he does not agree with will not likely are exempted from civil rights regulations popular over what is right that was the Republican convention. McCain, in hold true, the discretionary aspects of his and it assures that the money does not end responsible for Bill Clinton’s success. his typical fashion, took the bull by the post would likely be used for partisan up going to the direct promotion of that Instead, the void was filled with a whining horns and said some less than diplomatic plans, a fear shared by both Democrats particular faith. Bush’s plan, however, allows know-it-all attitude and nasal drone. things about Pat Robertson and Jerry and some moderate Republicans. The the funding to flow directly into the accounts Incapable of wheeling and dealing with Falwell, a factor which probably charge of racism some have leveled of the religious organization, creating the the opposition and without any real ideas contributed to the fall of the McCain against Ashcroft seems to be more of a very difficult task of assuring that the of his own, Gore would have introduced presidential bid by galvanizing the far political gambit than a legitimate concern, money is properly directed to the charitable an age of gridlock where the economic right’s support for Bush. as Ashcroft’s colleagues, including the lead operations rather than the religious ones. stagnation that is starting to rear its head After the primaries, the religious Democrat on the Senate Judiciary Furthermore, the mere fact that a charity would plunge us into recession with no right took backstage as the quadrennial Committee, Patrick Leahy, dismiss it. is directly associated with a given religion more action from the president than an rush of the presidential candidates to the Thus Ashcroft seems, although not ideal, is disadvantageous in the fact that people exaggerated sigh. center began in preparation for the at least tolerable and I assumed he was who follow a different faith probably would This made it quite easy for Bush to general election. But as soon as it became just there to appease the social not be comfortable approaching that become the lesser of two evils, seeing as apparent that Bush had won the election conservatives. organization for help. This action is even all he had to do was promise to restore a (or stolen it via an oligarchical coup if But soon after Bush was inaugurated more troubling when it is considered that little dignity to the presidency and cut that explanation is more to your liking), it became apparent that the diplomacy it may be just part of an incremental move taxes to win me over. As far as the second it was time to pay the dues. Bush’s was over. One of Bush’s first actions was goes, I can’t complain about Bush’s push cabinet started off with an array of to ban funding international groups that See CONSERVATIVES Page 10 to start chipping away at those tax rates moderate Republicans and it looked like provided abortions. Despite the fact that ASAP. However, how Bush has decided the administration was on its way to I agree that the government should not February 7, 2001 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — CAMPUS/NATIONAL AFFAIRS Page 9 Bush Enjoys Honeymoon, Early Success

BY CHRIS WHITE his staff, “We must remember the high increase standardized testing, and easily” before July 4th of this year. standards that come with high office…I increased funding for early reading While President Bush was using his HE HONEYMOON CAN expect every member of this programs, and also included in the plan early days to create a coalition between be considered one of the most administration to stay well within the are controversial school vouchers, in parties in the divided House and Senate, Tenjoyable times in an early boundaries that define legal and ethical which parents would receive federal his administration quietly passed some marriage. In Washington, the same is true conduct.” funding to move their children out of conservative measures. On January 22nd, with an early presidency. Though Upon receiving the office of failing schools. Bush has said he would he reenacted the executive order banning President Bush was only elected by a slim presidency, Bush wasted no time. Typical like the legislation in place by summer so the use of federal funds on international majority, he has found success in his early of when the White House changes hands, that school districts would have time to planning groups that offered abortion or days as president with the exception of the new President blocked many of enact policies for the 2001-2002 academic abortion counseling. This sparked limited Linda Chavez. All of his Cabinet Clinton’s final acts that were not yet printed year. controversy, as Patricia Ireland, president designates have made it through the of the National Organization for Women, confirmation process. John Ashcroft explained, “Certainly we can’t count on made it through the round of attacks and While President Bush was using his early days the White House now.” Another was the last to be confirmed on February controversial step was to create, through 1st. Bush has also gained support among to create a coalition between parties in the an executive order, a new White House several Hill Democrats, which is office that will be responsible for helping considered to be a key to success due to divided House and Senate, his administration “faith based” groups obtain federal tax the razor-thin majority held by dollars. There is some worry in Republicans. Missouri Rep. Richard quietly passed some conservative measures. Washington that religious groups will Gephardt, the Democratic leader in the compete with federal and other secular House of Representatives, complimented groups for federal funding. There is also the new leader by saying, “He is doing a in the federal registrar. Some of these Another central issue is Bush’s ten concern that separation between church good job,” and commended him for issues, including setting aside more year tax cut plan, in which over $1.6 and state may be in jeopardy. Bush, “reaching out so often.” The Texan’s federally protected land and new labor trillion in taxes are to be eliminated. These amongst these concerns, calmly stated, compassionate conservatism was even able laws, had been heavily contested by cuts would reduce federal income tax rates “Real change starts street by street, heart to sway Sen. Edward Kennedy, D- Republicans. for all tax brackets, eliminate the estate by heart — one soul, one conscience at a Massachusetts, who explained, “I found The primary focus of Bush’s first week tax, and lower the marriage penalty. time.” The plan is part of the him feisty, I found him engaged.” was education reform. “We must confront Though the plan has been widely opposed administration’s goal to move Missing “Ws” on keyboards, cut the scandal of illiteracy in America ... We by Hill Democrats, it got a boost last week responsibility from government to the phone lines, and $200,000 worth of other must address the low standing of when Sen. Zell Miller, D-Georgia, spoke private sector. damage to the white house could not American test scores amongst for the cuts. Also aiding the president’s Though Bush has found success in dampen the new administration’s spirit. industrialized nations in math and science, effort is the slowing economy – a tax cut his early days, there is no doubt that he Though reminders of Clinton have the very subjects most likely to affect our would put more money in people’s pockets has many battles ahead. With the almost surfaced in the form of pranks played by future competitiveness,” stated the and spur economic growth. Appearing on evenly divided House and Senate, Bush his staff, the immoral days of Bush’s president. Central to the administration’s Fox News Sunday on January 28th, Senate has to continue to appeal to both sides of predecessor have begun to erode. On his plan are initiatives that would give Majority Leader Trent Lott, R-Mississippi the political spectrum as he carefully wades first truly active day in office, Bush told increased power to states and localities, claimed that the package would “pass his way through Washington politics.MR

FLIP-FLOP women in America is abortion . . . and Americans to assure that our laws protect the March for Life with Nolan, has been [within a few hours] he said that it’s ‘pro- the right to life of each human being. An associated with Tietz in his bid for the woman’ to kill women . . . whether or not important step is adoption of a Mandatory presidency, while Nolan’s vice presidential Continued from Page 1 that’s true is debatable, but that’s his belief. HUMAN LIFE AMENDMENT to the nominee will in all likelihood be Jessica students in this university find Planned He believes abortion is murder. He Constitution of the United States. Such Cash, the current MSA Budget and Parenthood objectionable. Even to the believes it kills women.” Tietz and an amendment would require that Priorities Committee Chair and ex- point that they think Planned Parenthood Englander have been asking the very individuals and society provide protection running mate of Tietz’s back when the commits murder . . . . SAFE House is a questions that many students on campus for the right to life of each human being Wolverine Party existed. locally operated house for battered have been asking: why did someone attend in existence at fertilization.” On the same All this creates a huge mess, but that women that everyone can agree to a pro-life rally in Washington D.C. one note, Priests for Life argued that the is nothing compared to the bad blood support,” said Tietz. Yet, when put to the day, only to return to Ann Arbor and cast march was organized in order to give a between the four. Currently, Tietz, Nolan ultimate test, Tietz’s resolution failed to a vote supporting Planned Parenthood the “voice to the children.” and Cash all sit on the MSA, while Tietz, pass. And among those supporting the next? Separately, the Planned Parenthood Cash and Englander are all active members original resolution, in which some of the Said Nolan in response to the Federation of America would like to of College Republicans (CRs). Tietz and donations would go to support the accusations, “While some people might “ensure that women have the right to seek Englander sit on the executive board of abortion-rights Planned Parenthood, was see my participation at the March for Life and obtain medically safe, legal abortions CRs (while Cash failed in her attempts to Matt Nolan. as contradictory to my vote at the MSA under dignified conditions and at be VP), and Cash and Nolan own “What’s amazing about Nolan’s meeting, I obviously don’t . . . the March reasonable cost,” and it goes on further commission chairs on the MSA. metamorphoses from a pro-life zealot to was wonderful, and I am 100% pro-life. to say that “abortion must always be a All four consider themselves a pro-abortion feminist was that it At the same time, there are services matter of personal choice.” Republicans, but according to some, only occurred within the short time of twenty- (medical procedures, counseling, etc.) that Thus, Nolan’s vote comes to the two have proven to be consistent in their four hours,” said YAF representative women need that Planned Parenthood forefront of the student assembly debate views. Along with Nolan, Cash also voted Chip Englander, a U-M student who provides. Less than 10% of their services and election that is to come in the to give half of the donations to Planned marched with Nolan just hours earlier in are abortion requests, and they suggest following weeks. It is likely at this point Parenthood. Inevitably, this leaves the Washington D.C. alternatives at any rate.” that Doug Tietz will be running atop the students with an interesting mix of Said Tietz of Nolan’s surprising vote, According to the March for Life’s Michigan Party ticket, and similarly Matt characters from which they can choose “This is a guy who earlier that day would webpage, “the MARCH FOR LIFE is the Nolan will likely be running atop the Blue their next student body president. MR have agreed that the number one killer of collective effort of grassroots pro-life Party ticket. Chip Englander, who attended Page 11 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW — FEATURES February 7, 2001 Music News RECENT ALBUM RELEASES Public Will Have to Swallow More Tool Announces New Album and Release Papa Roach. Ozzy Osbourne, the man Vitamin C Date behind Ozzfest and touted rock legend, Less Than Jake - "Greased" has announced on VH1 that he would be Vitamin C - "More" The same pop girl who unleashed the The progressive-rock band, known promoting a brand-new studio release for sentimental “Graduation Song” and for its strange clay-mation videos and hard this next tour. The festival will have UPCOMING ALBUM RELEASES motivational “Smile” is reaffirming her surreal sound, has finished mastering its approximately 30 performances and will place in the world as a woman with her next album, entitled “Lateralus.” Although start on June 8 in Chicago. Week of February 6 new album “More.” Definitely not a in December Tool released a CD and record for anyone whose body produces DVD set containing unreleased studio and Grammy Nominees Posted Jeff Beck - “You Had It Coming” testosterone, Vitamin C’s new album has live tracks, the band has not released any moe. - "dither" the letters “TRL” written all over it: song- new material since their 1996 “Aenima.” On February 21, the Recording titles like “As Long As You’re Loving Me” The group plans to release the new album Academy will once again suck millions of Week of February 13 and a remake of the 80’s hit “I Know What on April 21, 2001 and music videos and mindless viewers into watching its over- Boys Want.” tour arrangements are in development. hyped and drawn-out 2000 Grammy John Frusciante - "To Record Only Part of the delay between albums might awards show, for which it recently Water For Ten Days" Pearl Jam To Sell “Bootlegs” of Tour have been due to the fact that during the announced all of its nominees. For Paul Oakenfold - “In Roots Of” last two years the band’s frontman, “Album of the Year,” contenders are Beck Pearl Jam announced on its fan web Maynard James Keenan, known for his for Midnite Vultures, Eminem for Marshall NOTABLE CONCERT DATES site (tenclub.net) that it would shortly be ethereal vocals, has been pursuing side Mathers LP, Radiohead for Kid A, Paul releasing authorized “bootlegs” of the first projects such as the successful A Perfect Simon for You’re the One and finally Steely February 13 – Taproot leg of the band’s North American Circle, which caught alternative rock Dan for Two Against One. For “Song of Pontiac Theatre, Pontiac (Binaural) tour. The release will include enthusiasts’ attention this past year by the Year” the competition includes U2 for twenty three double-disc live master becoming the first new band to debut at “Beautiful Day,” Faith Hill for “Breathe,” February 14 – Aretha Franklin recordings. #1. Lee Ann Womack for “I Hope You Music Hall Center, Detroit Dance,” Macy Gray for “I Try” and Ozzfest List of Performers Released CONSERVATIVES Destiny’s Child for “Say My Name.” As February 15 – Carl Cox with all awards shows, expect some Motor, Detroit Continued from Page 8 The touring hard-rock concert festival celebrity to wear something or say recently announced the band lineup for something outrageous. MR February 15 - Backstreet Boys its next summer tour. The list includes towards funding religion with /Destiny’s Child - Silverdome, Pontiac government money. Pat Robertson, who Black Sabbath, Marilyn Manson, Slipknot, Linking Park, Disturbed and seems to have had the Bush February 22 – Erykah Badu administration’s ear so far, has already Fox Theatre, Detroit complained that giving religions money but telling them not to preach is an Who Needs a Degree? February 22 - Orgy unfeasible state of affairs and I doubt he Clutch Cargo, Pontiac believes the remedy to this is not to give government money to religious BY KURT RADEMACHER I probably have an inferiority February 23 – The Temptations organizations at all. Of course none of complex, or superiority one, or maybe a Fox Theatre, Detroit this sat well with the ACLU, another NTRODUCTORY PSYCHOLOGY complex that’s relatively well adjusted. powerful liberal interest group. classes at the University of Michigan I’m suffering from writer’s block and February 24 – Buddy Guy After managing to anger the Irequire students to place themselves a chronic lack of inspiration, although I Michigan Theatre, Ann Arbor NAACP, Planned Parenthood, and the at the mercy of upperclassman and grad don’t think that’s any kind of psychological ACLU, three of the most powerful liberal students playing doctor. I proved that diagnoses – at least not one they teach in interest groups, within a couple weeks watching TV makes men like large chests introductory psych. Should I choose to here, three are talking on cell phones. of entering office, the Bush and small waists. take another psych class I might find it This is a coffee house, and that’s more administration has engaged in an I felt like asking for a diagnosis, but labeled as a mental illness there. than are drinking coffee. intensive effort to win over congressional I’m a little anxious when it comes to pop There is a some kind of psychology I suspect nobody has any idea where Democrats with a combination of charm psychology. Since graduating the school interview occurring before me now – an they are – some sort of disassociative and willingness to compromise on taxes of One Intro Psych Class I’ve been interview of some sort or another – about disorder. In the psychology business they and education. Bush has already offered diagnosing people in every direction past experiences and likes and dislikes. call it being crazy – or at least that’s the to strike vouchers from his education because I’m more qualified to do so than, Maybe its just an interview of a member way I imagine it. plan, which makes it essentially the same at the very least, a graduating high school of the Backstreet Boys. They’re all A forth person just pulled out a as Al Gore’s. Furthermore, Bush has senor. completely crazy, although the gentlemen phone. been silent about Social Security, the I’m a valuable commodity. being interviewed before me seems oddly Certainly some sort of oral fixation – other big issue of the 2000 election. The older gentlemen across from me, even-tempered. too much thumb sucking as a child. Also, Hopefully the Bush administration will without even knowing it, is either So even tempered that he’s probably dreams about stairs and horseback riding. soon realize that sliding in on a razor obsessive or compulsive. Hell, maybe he’s crazy too. Nobody seems at all happy – although thin margin in Florida does not give it a both. I think I would have labeled the psych contentment doesn’t seem too rare: we’ll mandate to push a strongly conservative Two more people are speaking only teacher somehow mentally ill – but I can’t call it extremely mild depression. social agenda at the expense of the issues what I believe to be French – I’ll tag them because he could have probably proved If the man walking past me were he campaigned on. The man who claims with some Freudian infirmity– an me wrong. I would have inevitably ended dreaming about himself walking past me to read the Bible every day should obsession with computer smut – because up labeled crazy because that’s the way its I’d be insulted by the Freudian remember that he was elected to Freud was big with the French. It’s done in the psych business – or at least interpretation. represent the American people, not to connected to their childhood. I’ve imagined it that way before. He’s talking on a phone now – and I represent his faith. Until then I will be I, of course, am the model of mental It’s like a street fight - with diagnoses haven’t the slightest clue how Freud was shopping around for a seaworthy health – except for my bent opinion of replacing the roundhouse. interpret that in a dream. houseboat. MR beauty due to excessive television viewing. Out of the eight people I can see from I’m sure it would nauseate me.MR FACE-OFF

February 7, 2001 THE MICHIGAN REVIEW —FEATURES Page 11 STOP ME IF YOU’VE HEARD THIS ONE The Good Señor Enjoys Long Walks in the Park... O I WAS perusing through the old native of Bloomfield Hills (God bless easy going than those stuck up sorority prompt response. “Weekend” insert in the Michigan the University Directory) who, despite the snobs who turn their noses up at people But on the brighter side of things, that SDaily the other day when I “decent genetic hand” she had been dealt like you and me, right? And if I email article by Meredith did give me a brilliant happened upon an article by an attractive (read: she’s hot!), she never seems to find her, offering to take her out in a suave idea. Using her column as a way of young lady. Naturally, I was very that special someone. Yes Meredith, I and polite manner, she’s sure to respond meeting members of the opposite sex was interested in what she had to say (read: I agree, the Saturday sleepover does start positively, right? (You do know what’s a stroke of genius. So, in the tradition of was bored and had to get old after the first five hundred times. coming next, don’t you?) Ms. Keller, I’ve decided to do the same. nothing even Realizing that I was the solution to all of WRONG! Not only did Meredith Of course, considering I’m about to reach remotely better to Meredith’s problems in life, I decided to NOT go out with me, she refrained from my word limit for the week, I’ll have to do), so I began to respond to her extended personal ad. even acknowledging my existence. There make my personal ad short and sweet: read her article. It Local columnist seeks vixen. Are you turns out that this looking for something more than just vivacious vixen, “Hey babe! You’re hot! Let’s get it on!” wild, tawdry sex? Or are you simply whom I’ll refer to as looking for wild, tawdry sex? Either way, “Meredith Ann And so I sent an email to Ms. Keller wasn’t even a nice little rejection letter El Señor Guípe is the man for you! Armed Keller,” author of using the address published in the Daily. telling me how she couldn’t go out with with his keller, er, killer wit, the good the oh-so-cleverly El Señor Using all of the charm and personability me because of various deaths in her Señor will give you a night to remember. titled column, Guípe that can be conveyed over email, I immediate and/or extended family. I even Interested? Send an email to “Keller Instincts,” informed her of my feelings regarding her emailed her a second time, just in case [email protected]. was having a bit of article, and how I’d “be honored if you she accidentally deleted my initial email Well, there you have it. And just to a problem when it would accompany me to dinner, a movie, without reading it (hey, it could happen), show that there are no hard feelings comes to the dating scene here in old Ann or whatever it is that you love to do.” but once again, I received no response. against Meredith, I’ve decided to plug her Arbor town, a problem that can only be Now how could kind, sweet girl turn down Well, it wasn’t until after the rejection offer here in the Review. In her column, solved by everyone’s favorite Casanova, an offer like that? (or lack thereof) that I realized my she asked anyone interested in going out El Señor Guípe! Right now you’re probably thinking, mistake. Apparently the idea that an with her on a “blind date” to email her at As I read Meredith’s heartfelt column, “Señor, have you gone mad? When was attractive girl could actually be looking for [email protected]. Once again, that my own heart begin to fill with pain. Then the last time you successfully picked up a substance in a guy is simply a fantasy. address is [email protected]. I I realized that I was in the midst of another girl who looks like that?” Ah, but you Instead of trying to be polite, intelligent, encourage you all to take advantage of this heart attack. I knew they screwed up that don’t understand. This girl isn’t like all and an all around nice guy, I should’ve wonderful opportunity. And when you quadruple bypass. Stupid Catholic the others. The mere fact that she would written an email that went something like email her, tell her Guípe sent you!MR hospitals. Anyway, I couldn’t help but use her column to attempt to get a date this: “Hey babe! You’re hot! Let’s get it begin to identify with this nineteen year shows that she is far more laid back and on!” I’m sure it would have elicited a SWM (read: on the rebound) seeks weather machine, or stolen nuclear SF: Yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve been weapon from a hidden base within a In honor of Valentines Day in the game, but I’m back on my feet now hollowed out volcano or at the bottom of and looking for that special someone. She the ocean your ideal romantic evening? If The Review Introduces: doesn’t have to be the “perfect” woman, so, then I may just be because for one, no such woman exists, the man for you. Email him at and secondly, I’m far from “perfect” [email protected] and maybe Personals for Really myself. All I really want is that we can be we can plot elaborate but easily escapable perfect for each other . . . . deaths for secret agents attempting to Bitter Desperate Guys Likes: someone who smiles a lot and foil our diabolical schemes together. who can brighten up my day when it’s Men Seeking Women going pretty shitty and I’m at the Review SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND!!! BUT till 6 am on a Sunday night . . . someone NOW I HAVE MADE IT MY MISSION who is soft and likes to curl up and be A fixer-upper IN LIFE TO MAKE YOU SUFFER FOR held while watching a movie . . . someone WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME, AND who likes being kissed on the forehead, cheeks and neck . . . . SAM seeks any female. Must be able ONE DAY, AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, to deal with non-substance induced mood I’VE GOING TO SKIN YOU ALIVE, THEN ROLL YOU AROUND IN Dislikes: Gore supporters, pre-meds swings and prolonged periods of brooding, and atheists . . . but with a good sense of humor who ROAD SALT, THEN FINISH YOU OFF doesn’t drink or smoke. WITH A BLOWTORCH AND A CHAINSAW!!! SLEEP WITH ONE EYE Interested ladies can reach me at OPEN, BECAUSE I WON’T REST [email protected] or (for those on the Turn-ons: conservative women with edge) call me blind at 668-1003. a sense of humor who like the simpler UNTIL YOU DIE A PAINFUL things in life, ladylike behavior a must. DEATH!!! umm, feminists, and women who aren’t content with what God gave Turn-offs: smoking, liberals, women them. If interested, email I’ll give you the who have no regard for my feelings for [email protected] them who later go on to date good friends world, OR DIE of mine who don’t know the meaning of I want a cuddle TRYING! Come on ladies, how can you say loyal - YOU BASTARD SON-OF-A- no to a face like this? PLEASE, oh BITCH, I’VE GOING TO KILL YOU Do you like intelligent and ambitious pretty please call him at 668-1003 IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO! I buddy, please... men? Is holding the world hostage or email him at [email protected]. TRUSTED YOU, YOU WERE using a death ray, mind control device,