“Making Amends”

January 31, 2021

2537 Lee Road Psalm 51:3; Matthew 5:23‐24 Cleveland Heights, OH 44118‐4136 Rev. Andy Call, Lead Pastor Telephone: 216‐321‐8880 Website: www.COTSumc.org

We are in week four of a six‐week series titled Breathing Under Water, based on the book of the same name by Richard Rohr. Throughout the course of this series, we’re exploring how the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous can serve as spiritual guidance for all of us and how the principles they illuminate embody the message of the Gospel. Whether or not you’re an alcoholic or close to someone who is, the spiritual wisdom of the 12 steps can lead to genuine transformation in our lives with God. The first seven steps focus on the individual as they grow in trust of God with the help of a sponsor or confessor. Today we explore steps eight and nine, which address making amends. Recovery from addiction and addressing the problem of sin are both heavily dependent on grace – grace from God, grace from others. It is essential to understand that grace removes the effect of sin, but not the consequences. Grace is not a “get out of jail free” card. We still bear responsibility for what we have done and the harm we have caused as a result of our actions. Forgiveness is an enormous step, but not the only step. We need to be reconciled with God and with one another (2 Corinthians 5:16‐21). Jesus forgave the thief hanging next to him on the cross, assuring him of his place in paradise, but he did not reverse his sentence or rescue him from the cross. King David’s sloth, greed, and lust led to murder, adultery, and lies. God accepted David’s confession, but the consequences of his sin would remain with him the rest of his life and become a permanent part of his legacy. There’s an important distinction between forgiveness and restoration, though they are closely related. Forgiveness removes the offense and releases the feelings associated with it. Restoration involves repairing the harm the offense has caused. Steps eight and nine are about restoration. Step Eight: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. “Step eight is the beginning of the end of isolation,” according to Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.1 As Rev. Moseng shared last week, sin can be broadly understood as that which separates us from God. Even the sins we commit against one another are ultimately offenses before God. But we know that our sins impact those around us – sometimes in obvious ways, other times less visibly. We need to be honest with ourselves and one another if we want to mend the relationships we have broken. But honesty is hard. We are better at making excuses, reinventing the past to justify ourselves. “I may have lied to my boss, but if she hadn’t been so unreasonable in the first place I wouldn’t have had to.” “I did what I had to in order to keep everybody happy.” “I had it under control, but people wouldn’t leave me alone.” There is no path to peace, no future to embrace, without honest reckoning with the past. The 2005 sitcom, “My Name Is Earl” features a man who has an epiphany after winning the lottery and subsequently being hit by a car. Earl (Jason Lee) decides he is on the wrong side of Karma, and the only way to reverse his luck is to make amends to everyone he’s ever hurt. He literally makes a list – scribbled on a scrap of notebook paper – of 259 things he has done wrong in his life and begins to work his way through the list at random. The list ranges from “I’ve been a litterbug” to “Faked death to break up with a girl” to “Rolled John Fenster down a hill in a porta‐potty.” Though Earl’s adventures make for good TV and some side‐splittingly funny moments, it’s apparent he’s in this for himself. He is so focused on his own needs and actions that it never even occurs to him that his victims might actually forgive him. Moments of grace always seem to come as a surprise to Earl. There’s a lesson in that for all of us. Making amends can lead to healing and wholeness, but genuine healing doesn’t come from selfishness. If we do something good to make ourselves feel better or so others can see how good we are, the action itself is tainted. The goal is to help those we’ve harmed, not simply to have them think better of us.

1 Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. Eighty‐fourth printing. New York: Alcoholics Anonymous Publishing (2019), 7.

Ego always seems to get in the way. Even the harm we have done to others can masquerade as harm done to us. Ego protects itself by making us the victim, which prevents us from seeing the truth and taking the necessary steps to healing. Honest and sincere amends do not invite pity or reverse the roles. Honest accountability leads to freedom; self‐ justification perpetuates brokenness. Making amends isn’t easy. And it isn’t a linear process. Sometimes an honest examination of the hurt we have caused others reveals hurt within ourselves we hadn’t even realized. Seeking forgiveness from others may need to involve extending forgiveness, as well. We can’t expect from others what we aren’t ourselves willing to offer. Step eight starts with making a list, but it points to a process. “Became willing to make amends to them all.” Becoming willing is a process that takes courage, humility, and time. Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Have you ever received an apology that you knew was not sincere? Maybe it was an, “I’m sorry” muttered through gritted teeth, the kind that often follow parental intervention among childhood siblings (surely not in my house, though!). Or maybe it was a saccharine note that implied moral high ground: “We’ve both said things we regret, but I just want you to know I am soooo sorry!” Or my personal favorite, the apology that isn’t really an apology: “I’m sorry if I’ve caused you harm” instead of “I’m sorry that I caused you harm.” (There’s a world of difference between the word “if” and the word “that.”) This is a favorite of politicians in damage control mode, appearing contrite while covering their own backs. I had a coworker once who, when confronted about inappropriate comments he made, offered this doozy: “I’m sorry you didn’t understand what I was trying to say.” Any genuine attempt to make amends for past wrongs should be honest and direct. It starts with honesty. If we are unable or unwilling to name the specific wrong we have committed, it’s highly unlikely that a specific or lasting absolution will follow. David, after being confronted by the prophet Nathan about his relationship with Bathsheba, is said to have written the words found in Psalm 51: “For I know my transgressions. My sin is ever before me.” Reconciliation must be direct. A text or an email probably isn’t going to cut it. And it’s no good sending someone else as an emissary to apologize on our behalf. We have to do this ourselves. What if we want to make amends but the other person does not? One of the people who graciously shared her recovery journey with me confided that there are people who made it clear that they wanted no contact from her. She recognized that she had violated many boundaries with some people in the past and, as much as she would feel relieved of her guilt to connect with them, to press the issue would be selfish and cause more pain. Richard Rohr reminds us that we can’t control how people respond, but we can control how we react. “You opened the door from your side, and it thus remains open, unless you reclose it.”2 Perhaps the door has been opened and a conversation begun. The initial affirmation may provide a feeling of relief and a sense of satisfaction. But making amends is more than just feeling relief. Building trust takes time and a willingness to go deeper. For one person, an initial attempt felt empty and insincere, and was met with skepticism. What the wronged person needed was a demonstration of action, not just a desire for absolution. Let’s say I’ve made a list of wrongs, I’ve become willing to make amends, and I’ve even started reaching out to those I’ve harmed. With respect to step nine, how do I know whether my actions would injure them or others? Rohr says this is an example of Bill W.’s deep wisdom, the kind of wisdom one can only gain from doing it wrong, probably many times. Even when our motives are pure, we have to consider the needs and feelings of those we have harmed. If not done well, an apology could make the problem and the hurt it caused worse. Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions warns, “We cannot buy our own peace of mind at the expense of others.”3 Revisiting the past or rehearsing a list of harm inflicted can cause more pain for those who have been wronged. One recovering alcoholic shared with me that failed attempts to make amends with someone she hurt taught her to check with her sponsor first to gauge whether reaching out is a good idea. While reconciliation can be liberating, we cannot force it. The guiding principle is “Do no harm.” I want to take a moment here to address a sensitive topic. When we’re talking about making amends for the past, that could include instances of abuse – physical, mental, and/or emotional. A higher level of awareness and sensitivity is called for in such circumstances. Maybe you were part of an abusive relationship. You may have caused

2 Richard Rohr. Breathing Under Water: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps. Cincinnati: Franciscan Media (2011), 76. 3 Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, 84.

deep pain to someone, or been the victim of abuse yourself. Making amends does not mean retraumatizing yourself or someone else. What is needed in this circumstance is both courage and discernment; courage to face the truth, and discernment to decide if and how it is appropriate to approach that situation. The wisest step is to seek help in making that decision. In 12‐step programs, there are safeguards in place for this: a sponsor, a group, access to counseling. For others, help with discernment might come from a therapist, a counselor, a pastor, or a support group. It's always best to check motives – to remember it’s not about me, it’s about the person I’ve hurt – and to remember that we don’t control the outcome. In extreme cases, amends may not be possible, either out of a need to avoid trauma or because the person with whom we need to make amends is no longer with us. In those cases, there is something called “living amends,” which means living rightly going forward. That could be as simple resolving not to repeat the mistakes of the past or as major as dedicating one’s life to a cause. Living amends is not a substitute for responsible action, but an alternative when making amends more directly is impossible or inadvisable. Now, making amends is not to be understood as “works righteousness,” that somehow through right living we can earn our way into favor with God. Unlike Earl, we don’t believe that Karma governs our lives. Good things don’t just happen to us because we’re good people. We are followers of Jesus Christ, beneficiaries of grace – free, unmerited, and full – that makes us right with God. But the grace in which we stand is not cheap grace. We don’t abdicate responsibility to one another by confessing to God. I believe that’s what Jesus had in mind when he said, “If you bring your gift to the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift at the altar and go. First make things right with your brother or sister and then come back and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5:23‐24) God is eager to forgive, but God also wants us to live in right relationship with one another. Ultimately, any sincere effort to make amends for the wrongs we have done and the hurt we have caused must be based not on self‐interest, but on love. Love is what empowers us to do the hard and necessary work required to make amends. It’s the kind of love Paul talked about in 1 Corinthians: Love is patient, love is kind… It doesn’t seek its own advantage… Love puts up with all things, trusts in all things, hopes for all things, endures all things. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:5, 7‐8, CEB) There can be no peace, no embracing of the future without an honest reckoning with the past. God loves us and wants the best for us, which means God is also growing us up in both grace and accountability. When we take responsibility for the hurt we have caused – to ourselves and one another – we can approach God’s presence with confidence. That’s when true healing begins. Let us pray: God of mercy and compassion, we want to be more like you. But when we’re honest, we see that our sin and selfishness have hurt those around us, sometimes the people we love the most. Help us to have the courage and the discernment to know how to repair the brokenness we have caused. By your grace, forgive us for the pain we have caused and show us the path to reconciliation. We pray this in the name of Christ, in whose grace we stand. Amen.