VOLUME 13 ISSUE 3 #021915031115 READ THE PLANET, IT’S FREE WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM (256) 533 • 4613

INSIDE THIS ISSUE: FEBRUARY 18 - MARCH 11, 2015 From Kenya with Love, Interstellar, That Game Show Thing, The Original Public House, Humorist Tired of Sitting Down... Tries Standing Up, Marley from the Darkside, Best Bartender in the Valley, Dr. Anarcho: Tony Joe White, The Greatest Calendars on Earth!!! 2 WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM #021915031115 VOLUME 13 ISSUE 3 THE VALLEY PLANET In The Planet february 19 - march 11, 2015 NEXT ISSUE: MARCH 12, 2015 THE VALLEY PLANET VOLUME 13 ISSUE 3 #021915031115 203 Grove Ave., Huntsville Al, 35801, phone 256.533-4613 Letter from the Table of Contents Publisher 3 On the Cover Publisher 3 Letter From The Publisher hat a memorable week we have had in Jill E. Wood 4 Humorist Tired of Sitting Down, Tries Standing Up, Tim Benton Alabama! We witnessed legal gay mar- 4 Providence’s Little Free Library, LaDawn Edwards riages in Huntsville, Alabama’s Big 4 Sci-Fi Review: Interstellar - The Official Movie Novelization, Matthew Kresal W Spring Park and Temple B’nai Sholom! It IS a big Calendar 5 On a Mural Mission: From Kenya with Love, Lori J. Connors Joanie Williams deal. I never thought it would happen in my life- 5 Zee’s Rocket City bEAT, Jim Zielinski time. History was made, right here, last week due 5 Unchained Maladies, Ricky Thomason to the courage of many. Graphic Design 6 News of the Weird, Chuck Shepherd 7 The Original Public House – A Nice Upgrade, Mike Ragoza Douglas A. Lange Another Alabama history making moment is 7 The Jazz Lounge, Jackie Anderson being commemorated March 5 – 9, the 50th An- 7 Dr. Anarcho’s Rx For Old Stuff That Don’t Suck: Tony Joe White – Any and all. niversary of the Selma to Montgomery March. Contributors 8 From The Darkside, Marley Alabama is making a new history, one hopefully 8 Gal About Town: That Game Show Thing, Tina Leach without ignorance, hatred, and prejudice. Bonnie Roberts 10 Music Calendar Begins Elaine Nelson 11 Music Calendar Continues Peace, Ricky Thomason 12 Music Calendar Ends Jill E. Wood 12 Regional Concert Calendar Jim Zielinski 12 Gay Marriage in Alabama (Photos) Tim Owen 13 Calendar of Events Begins Aaron Hurd 14 More Calendar of Events Tina Leach 15 FREE WILL ASTROLOGY, Rob Breszny 15 On The Lam 4, Shawn Bailey Jackie Anderson 16 Events Calendar Concludes Tim Benton 16 Unleash Your Inner Awesomeness LaDawn Edwards 17 What Then Must We Do? Bonnie Roberts 17 Best Bartender in the Tennessee Valley? Diamond’s Sportsbar’s Jennifer Peters! Matthew Kresal 17 New Lit, Ricky Thomason & Lisa Gray Thomason Lori J. Connors 18 Music Exchange Mike Ragoza 18 The Single Guy: Communi-Date, Aaron Hurd D’Licou Dinin 18 To Yuno From Yunohoo Shawn Bailey 19 Valley Planet Demographics & Smokehous Gril “I don’t care about wealth. America Caribbea What seems to be upsetting is institutionalising the advantages that wealth gives you.” Cuisin & Ful Bar - John Stewart Tues. - Sat. 10:30am to 9pm 255 Pratt Ave, Hsv 256-469-7271 www.dlicousdining.com Jer Chicke, Ri, Catfis , ­lapi‚, Reƒ On the Cover: Snapper, Wing, Chicke †nger, Burger, Deep by Star Weems Gumb‡, Goaˆ & Homemad Side Classic tarr Weems is an artist who enjoys designing colorful, dreamlike watercolor paintings. Burger & SShe has shown solo exhibits at Kentuck Fries $5.59 Museum’s Clarke Gallery, Lowe Mill, and the Birmingham Public Library. Currently, her work is on display as part of The Arts Council exhibit at the Von Braun Civic Center. When she isn’t painting, she is teaching art to teens at Ardmore High School. To see more of her work, visit www. StarrWeems.com.

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THE VALLEY PLANET #021915031115 VOLUME 13 ISSUE 3 WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM 3 Humorist Tired of Sitting Down, Tries Providence’s Standing Up Little Free Library by Tim Benton by LaDawn Edwards their starts performing at that venerable institution hat’s not writing, that’s typing,” Tru- of standup comedy known as the “Open Mic.” ’m rich, I’m rich, I’m rich!” cried a di- man Capote once said about a writer, minutive Daffy Duck as he hugged a “Tof whom he may have been jealous. Open mic is just what the name implies, open gold coin in the classic WB cartoon. to anybody. If you’ve ever thought about giving “I That’s how I mentally reacted on a morning dog- Capote should have realized that typing is hard comedy a try, just show up at one of the weekly walk in January when I rounded the corner and enough, particularly when authorwritus sets in, a open mic venues in Huntsville and you’ll get five saw a Little Free Library (LFL) smiling at me debilitating condition that prompts some humor- minutes of stage time. Guaranteed. You’ll be in- from its post in front of a white picket fence in ists to stop using their fingers and start using their troduced as a “first time comedian.” That’s a good Providence. Right there, right then, I knew I could mouths. thing because you’ll capture the full attention of help myself to a FREE book from the juicy smor- not only the audience, but the other comics as gasbord of reading material in this lovely house- That’s an endeavor also known as standup com- well. We automatically like you because we’ve shaped receptacle. edy. After years of writing my so-called humor, been where you are now and we know it takes I decided to try saying it. Into a some nerve to get on a stage The only identification on the box was a bum- microphone. Standing on a stage. and tell jokes and be stared at. per sticker that referenced littlefreelibraries.com. Being stared at. And we’re pulling for you be- (When I checked it out later I found an interactive cause we love the Huntsville map to the thousands of LFLs worldwide, includ- The last part is the most challeng- comedy scene and always wel- ing a half dozen in Madison County, AL.) I told ing. Because when you orate that come new people to become myself that in the interest of spreading the wealth masterpiece of humor you’ve so part of it. and making a bit more room to properly display lovingly crafted for the assembled the collection, I could borrow more than one. For masses, you never know when There’s an open mic some- a friend, you know? one of them will say “That’s not where every Monday through joking, that’s talking.” Thursday. Details are at hs- The first titles that greeted me were childhood fa- vcomedy.com along with all vorites - “The Secret Garden” and beloved dog What are you doing here, Mr. Ca- you need to know about fea- tale “Where the Red Fern Grows.” Oooh, what pote? I thought you were dead. ture comedy shows. As for else? The LFL was a tad crowded so, I pulled open mics, all you need to do is out a few hardback mysteries to better access Huntsville, in case you haven’t show up, ask to meet the come- the bestselling trade paperbacks from the past 20 heard, is delivering some great dy host, and tell him you would years now hiding in the back row. comedy these days, and I don’t like to give it a try. just mean the occasional Jerry Seinfeld that plays But, which one to choose? I was ridiculously curi- the VBC. We have our own comedy scene. It’s You’ll be glad you did. There’s no feeling like that ous about the collection and my fellow patrons. vibrant, growing, and it’s all happened in about heartwarming feeling that comes when you give Clearly there was at least one child or encourag- three years. Touring professional comedians are the gift of laughter. And always remember this, ing parent who would have contributed a picture making Huntsville a regular stop, joining local if you can tell a joke and just one person laughs, book on baseball... but we’ve got the thought- comedians to perform in sold-out rooms at the well, maybe you should rewrite that joke. Better provoking stuff that’s reviewed on NPR like “The Lowe Mill Arts center and other places. to have at least two people laughing. Then you’re Immortal Life of Henrietta Lapp,” Autobiogra- on your way! phy of Malcolm X, Patterson whodunits and yes But the heart of the Huntsville comedy scene is a paperback romance set in an exotic destination. made up of the local comedians, all of whom got Maybe a grownup favorite like “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood? Nope, I mustn’t be greedy so no taking books I’ve already read.

Sci-Fi Review: Interstellar - Hey, what’s this? “A Dirty Job” by Christopher Moore, a laugh-out-loud author whose work The Official Movie Novelization ranges from modern vampire slaying to gospel by Matthew Kresal according to Biff. That’s one I needed to read! Prize triumphantly in hand, I continued my stroll, ne of the biggest films of last year wasInterstellar , Chris- pondering what kind of person becomes a LFL topher Nolan’s big budget science fiction film with a cast “librarian.” O including Matthew McConaughey, Anne Hathaway, Jes- sica Chastain, and Michael Caine. The film has left some scratch- Certainly she or he is an avid reader who probably ing their heads over the plot because of occasional bits of drowned shares my impulse when we close a good book: out dialogue and the science behind the fiction. As if to answer Now, who do I know who’d like to read this? Now those questions, there’s the official movie novelization written by I don’t have to decide, but I can release it into the science fiction author Greg Keyes. wild through LFL. Maybe she wanted more in- teraction with her neighbors, however subtle, the The novelization is, like the film itself, built around the screen- way a nature lover might put a birdfeeder outside play by Christopher Nolan and his brother Jonathan, which gives the window. Who knows? the book a strong grounding. Some of the strongest elements of the film, its characters and dialogue in particular, are all repro- A few days later I prepared to return a book that duced here. The book also allows for what’s next to impossible to my neighbor passed. But before we reached our do on-screen in that it allows the reader to get into the mindset and LFL my steadfast Springer spaniel greeted the motivations of the characters, to explore just why it is they make groundskeeper at Providence square and I told the choices that they do. Perhaps the greatest accomplishment of him about this new resource. He’s more of a short Keyes’ writing is that he manages to capture some of the film’s story fan, but sent me over to our local dry cleaner best and most emotional moments without the benefit of either its where his best friend works. myriad performances or its special effects. Two minutes later I was showing the title to her. The best part of the book might be what it adds to the film. The film is, almost intentionally, a bit vague With a smile and nod she said, “I’ve been want- regarding certain issues relating to how the Earth is in the situation it’s in when the film begins. The ing to read that one.” Now, my work was done novelization fills in some of those gaps, building upon the references made in the film’s first half to ex- here - keep- plore how our world turns into the agrarian one in the film. The book also explores some of the science ing the book involved in more depth than was perhaps possible on-screen, such as explaining a spacecraft maneuver circulating, used late in the film and the nature of black holes. The results add, not detract, from the film itself. spreading the word about If the book can be criticized, it’s for two things. Being prose, it of course lacks the film’s visuals but a new source Keyes’ seems to make little effort in trying to find a way of getting those visual moments across in of books, and prose for the most part, something that can make it difficult to imagine things without having seen the doing my bit film first. The second is that the book doesn’t quite shake off its screenplay origins when it sometimes to nudge my cuts back and forth between things like in film, often for just a paragraph or less at a time. Those faults neighborhood are all fairly minor though and don’t detract much from the book itself. towards being a community As a whole, the book not only offers insights into the film but is an enjoyable read in its own right. Even of readers. without the visuals or performances that are such a large part of the film, the book makes for fascinating reading that adds to the experience of having seen the film. It also shows the power of the story behind the film and why it’s one of the better science fiction films in recent memory.

4 WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM #021915031115 VOLUME 13 ISSUE 3 THE VALLEY PLANET The presentation of this traditional street food is enticing…shaved, pinkish ice (via Thai Red Syr- On a Mural Mission: Zee’s Rocket City up) piled atop a mélange of Jackfruit, Mango, Co- conut, Grass Jelly, Red Beans, Palm Seeds, and From Kenya with Love bEAT more…you don’t need to know all the secrets. by Lori J. Connors by Jim Zielinski Just how to eat it. nce upon a time, Jayne Russell sported With only a few months to raise funds, Jayne HIS WEEKEND: Maslenitsa, the fam- around town with a 4-foot stuffed Pink knew that donations would help, but wouldn’t Of sufficient size to share, this dessert is great for ily-friendly Spring Festival, returns from celebratory events, or just a cooling delight. But Panther on the back of her motorcycle, cover the entire cost of the trip. On a whim, Jayne 10 a.m. – 4 p.m., Saturday, 21 March! Ocomplete with its own helmet covered with de- started posting art for sale on Facebook and start- T why wait? Just mix the shaved ice with the ingre- dients below it and…have at it. cals. Jayne has always been a renegade, always ed taking orders for stained glass and paintings Now at Madison’s James Clemens High School willing to try something new and creative. for the holidays. The response was overwhelm- [11306 County Line Road], it’s hosted by the In- By the time you’re reading this, Hildegard’s Bier- ingly supportive. Proceeds from her art sales ternational Services Council of Alabama, the City It began with stained glass in her funded two-thirds of the travel garten [1010 Heathland Drive, NW; (256) 513- of Madison, and our area’s Eastern European and 8260] will have opened (6 February). A faster- spare time. When the physical de- expenses! This kept Jayne busy Central Asian communities. mands of being a working manager in the studio, making stained paced “beer garden” with lively music, Sabine for her cleaning business became glass crosses, cats, and sunflow- Collins’ newest venture will entice you with Wurst By definition, Maslenitsa is a family event, and Shashlik, Bratwurst auf Brötchen, and more. too much, Jayne came off the road ers, along with paintings, right this celebration is no exception; moreover, it’s and expanded her artsy repertoire up until New Year’s Eve. open to the public: admission is $5 per person; Lizzy B’s Bakery and Deli [7900 Bailey Cove with oils, watercolors, jewelry cash or checks will be accepted. making, and just about any media On New Year’s Day, the Ke- Road, SE; Suite 3; (256) 603-7631] is set to open on the site of the former Coffee Tree Books and she could get her hands on. Little nya Relief group left Hunts- Families can immerse themselves in the pre-Lent- did she know that one day, her cre- ville. The travel itinerary was Brew. Join owner Liz Behr on her new Facebook en celebration, indulge in traditional foods, enjoy site for specifics on her grand opening. ativity, and resourcefulness would grueling; 33 hours; starting by authentic regional folksongs and folkdances, take take her halfway across the globe. air from Huntsville to Atlanta; part in numerous FREE children’s (and adults!) Suddenly, I’m craving Lofton’s seafood buffet. Atlanta to Amsterdam; Amster- activities, and experience firsthand an insider’s Through Cove Church, Jayne dam to Nairobi, then a 7 hour But the site of my Lee High School Class of 1979 view of fifteen nations, including Ukraine, Ka- Tenth Reunion, as well as Ground Zero - and I do caught the “mission bug.” Three drive from Nairobi to Migori in zakhstan, Moldova, Russia and Tajikistan! years ago, she went to Costa Rica Western Kenya. Then, there’s mean zero - for a misbegotten series of one-acts involving Gahgee and the Coma Queen (and some to help build a school. Last year, Jayne made her the accounting for a 9-hour time difference. Maslenitsa’s “edible mascots” are Blini (Crêpes), first trip to Kenya with Kenya Relief. As part of really cool prank calls) is now…well…Pompeian further beautified by lashings of honey, preserves, in stature. an Eye-Team, her duties consisted of instilling While in Kenya, Jayne worked with JoJo, a local sour cream, and such. Expect to see mounds of pre-op eye drops while praying over the patients. from the Luo tribe. She generated a lot of atten- same, courtesy of St. Michael’s Serbian Orthodox Alas, poor Hilton, we abused thee well. While in Kenya, Jayne took many beautiful tion and not just because of the murals; women Church. Plov, the Uzbeki take on Pilaf, will join photos, which provided the inspiration for many artists are nonexistent in that region. In 10 days, the Blini in satiating your hunger…as will an “In- Kaffeeklatsch Klosed? The shockwaves of this of her paintings. four murals were completed as Jayne connected ternational Bake Sale.” with community, made new friends, and took lots surprising development will reverberate for years to come. Jayne had hoped to return to Kenya someday. of amazing photos. Food service begins at 10:00 a.m…and three Back in the fall, she attended a missionary presen- bucks gets you two Crêpes and Fixin’s! Get more This venerable site, which I’ve visited, off and on, tation at Cove, just to hear what the speakers had The mission of Kenya Relief is to rekindle hope info at (256) 585-8354 and olgaosadcii@gmail. to say. One of the speakers spoke about “Going for a new generation in Kenya through partner- for around 35 years, has been a home-away-from- com, or by following “Maslenitsa in Alabama” on home for many of the theatre set, particularly where God sends you.” His words resonated in ship between communities, uniting for a common Facebook. her heart. Then, there was an appeal from Kenya good. For more information, go www.kenyare- members of the Twickenham Repertory Compa- ny. Lee Deal called it “The Kratsch.” Relief Founder Steve James. It included a list of lief.org. You’ll be hard pressed to find anything like it, jobs needing to be filled. There was a request for anywhere else in the Southeast. a mural painter to help beautify the plain cement One ancient memory involves Bettinna Student and I whiling away our time on a cold, misty win- walls surrounding the Kenya Relief compound. NASDROVIA! “That,” said Jayne, “made it pretty obvious to me ter Sunday at the Spragins Hall hot tubs, winding that I was meant to go.” up sitting next to the Kaffeeklatsch windows, gaz- John and Nose Barisa and I committed a pre-Mar- ing out into the Londonesque haze whilst sipping di Gras invasion of Po Boy Factory [815 Andrew hot chocolate. Jackson Way, NE; (256) 539-3616; poboyfactory. com]: Herr Barisa is most democratic when de- Hardly something most people associate with a vouring, explaining that when he bites into food, blues bar, but there you have it. Maybe sitting in he believes “it should bite back.” the back of the joint, discovering Ethel and the Shameless Hussies, is more your speed. The spicy Crawdads we shared with Marie Thig- pen bit, big time. Get them while they’re in sea- Already missing Carole Record, Tam-Tam-Let son! Fichtl called it the “trendiest watering hole in town,” full of “nice, funny, zany clients.” Fortu- Speaking of great food, I threw up most of mine nately, the original coffee shop soldiers on. when I saw the parking for the prehistoric VBC Playhouse is $10:00; $7:00 if you trudge from the Everyone chides the French for eating snails; South Hall. the Mexicans for eating grasshoppers; the Afri- cans for eating grubs; and the Chinese for eating Unchained Maladies On the happy side of life, Creole Gypsy Taco what’s left. by Ricky Thomason Guacamole and I were introduced to a new menu item by Kelvin Wang, he of Thai Garden [800 When The Apocalypse comes, you’ll be begging ike every writer in the Valley Planet I occasionally get requests from Wellman Avenue, NE; (256) 534-0122; ilovethai- for their recipes. readers to write columns on particular subjects, usually the reader’s pet garden.com]: Nam Kang Sai! Lpeeve. The latest entreaty was from some guy wanting me to burn the hair off the issue was a deal done behind closed doors, lock, stock and barrel before the dog and pony shows for Huntsville / Madison County education systems with my thoughts on the Spark- the morons were suffered through. At the end of everything count on the evidence that the rich get the man school kerfuffle. clean end of the stick while the poor get to lick the other.

I gladly entertain suggestions of topics from readers, but I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck and land It appears to me that Huntsville and Madison County’s new school plan is “resegregation today, reseg- in front of this computer. Let me put this as politely as I am capable; if you write me and don’t have the regation tomorrow, resegregation forever.” stones to give me a real email address, name and a working phone number you are a card carrying moron if you think I am fool enough to write a column based on “facts” you quote without sources, facts you Thanks to frugality turned mental illness and the shameless personal larceny Alabama’s state govern- probably just pulled out of your butt to suit your agenda. ment worries more about commandments on rocks and the reproductive rights of women (none of neither my nor their damned business) than education. Schools in Alabama are little more than day Here’s a suggestion. Write whatever you want and ask Jill Wood, our editor and publisher if she will cares for zoo animals. consider giving you the space to express your views. She may very well do that, but you can bet she also will require correct, pertinent information about you. After almost 20 years of writing about politics in this state I can say with complete conviction that I would not trust a politician of any ilk in an outhouse with a muzzle on and a bucket over their head. If you want 40 words or so to rant anonymously, try the VP’s “From Yuno to Yunohoo” section. Fifteen or twenty use the Yunos each issue to throw bouquets and grenades. You can even say Huntsville City Will someone (like a federal judge) please whack Alabama Supreme Court Justice Roy Moore in the School Superintendent Dr. Casey “The Warden” Wardinski has the dull flat, soulless eyes of a shark if head with a big gavel and put him out of my misery? He’s already been removed from office once for you want. Many might agree with you and add that a smile on his face would be like Judge Judy’s smile. violation of his oath of office and is in danger of it happening a second time. He can’t keep his pie hole It looks like she’s growling. (Not me, of course.) shut.

As for my opinion on the Sparkman deal you really are foolish if you think these so called “meetings” to He is the cause of all but 9 counties in Alabama NOT marrying same sex couples on Monday, Feb 9th get input from the public are anything more than a show to give you the illusion that your voice counts after it being legalized on Friday, Feb. 6. Kudos to Judge Ragland and the other 8. in the decision making process. Are you naïve enough to believe the school boards and superintendents give a fuzzy, red rat’s butt about what you think? You can bet the farm that the decision on any political There is a rumor that the Westboro Baptist Church has contacted Moore and offered him a chance to be head idiot in charge there if he is punted from office again. THE VALLEY PLANET #021915031115 VOLUME 13 ISSUE 3 WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM 5 “and produced interesting hypotheses in the ensu- Weird reported a similar such case, from London, out” of its host. ing Reddit conversation.” in December 2006. Now, in January 2015, the British Columbia Supreme Court awarded Alissa New World Order Suspicions Confirmed Afonina $1.5 million for her auto-accident brain -- Last year in Middle East school -- (1) A January examination of New injury. She was apparently a demure, high-achiev- markets, the worldwide publishing giant Harper- York City records through NYC Open Data found ing student, but following the 2008 collision, she Collins was selling a popular atlas whose maps that the five most common first names of taxicab had no impulse control, become “isolated,” had pretended there was no such country as Israel. drivers licensed by the city are five variations in “outbursts,” made “inappropriate sexual com- The space that is Israel was merged into Jordan, the spelling of the name “Mohammed.” (2) The ments” -- and was able to earn a living only as Syria and Gaza. The company said it was merely last McDonald’s burger to be sold in Iceland be- a dominatrix. (Alfonina’s mother, also injured in honoring “local preferences” of potential atlas fore the chain abandoned the country in 2009 has the accident, was awarded $940,000.) purchasers, whom HarperCollins presumed were been on open display at the National Museum of Arabs wishing that Israel did not exist. (In Janu- Iceland and was recently moved to the Bus Hostel Good Ol’ Boy ary 2015, the company finally changed course, in Reykjavik, “still in good condition,” according A miles-long traffic jam on Interstate 20 publicly “regretted” its decision and recalled all to the hostel manager. “Some people have even near Tuscaloosa, Alabama, on Jan. 25 and on into existing stock.) stolen some of the fries.” the next morning was caused by an 18-wheeler -- Montanan John Abarr told the Great -- Harvard University medical re- that jackknifed and overturned when the 57-year- Falls Tribune in November that his Rocky Moun- searcher Mark Shrime documented recently how old driver took his hands off the wheel to pull out tain Knights of the Ku Klux Klan opposes the easily made-up research can wind up in reputa- a tooth with his fingers. Efforts to haul the truck “new world order” pushing a “one government” ble-sounding academic journals -- by submitting from the roadside required an hours-long detour system on the planet -- but also stands against an article composed by random-generating text of traffic off of the interstate. (The driver’s mis- discrimination based on race, religion or sexual software, supposedly about “the surgical and neo- sion was successful; he had the tooth in his pocket orientation. “White supremacy is the old Klan,” plastic role of cacao extract in breakfast cereals” when rescued.) he said. “This is the new Klan” (except that, he (and authored by “Pinkerton A. LeBrain and Or- said, robes and hoods will still be required, along son Welles”). Of 37 journals, 17 quickly accepted Unclear on the Concept with “secret rituals”). it, some feigning actually having read it, with the -- Luis Moreno Jr., 26, was pursued by -- The New Normal: In January, Mit- by Chuck Shepherd only catch being that Shrime would have to pay a police in Fort Lee, New Jersey, after he entered the tens the kitten and Charcoal the Chihuahua mix standard $500 fee for publication. Shrime warned carpool lane approaching the George Washing- made news as hermaphrodites whose veterinar- Weird News You Can Use that some of the journals have titles dangerously ton Bridge in January because he appeared to be ians had recommended which gender the since- It turns out that a person having a heart close to highly respected journals and cautions alone in his SUV. After ignoring several signals to adopted strays should retain. Mittens, of the town attack is usually safer to be in an ambulance journalist (and reader) skepticism. pull over, he finally stopped and, when informed of Heart’s Desire, Newfoundland, was scheduled headed to a hospital than to already be a patient of his offense, told the officer, “I have two pas- for “gender assignment” surgery to become solely in a hospital, according to a study by University Wait, What? sengers in the back” and rolled down a window to male, and Charcoal, of Boise, Idaho, is recover- of North Carolina researchers. It takes longer, on Ms. Meng Wang filed a lawsuit recently show them (in the vehicle’s third row), apparently ing from mid-January surgery to leave her exclu- average, for non-ER hospital staff to comply with in New York City against Gildan Outerwear over satisfying the officer. However, as Moreno pulled sively female. News reports did not disclose why hospital protocols in ordering and evaluating tests her disappointment with Kushyfoot Shaping away, one passenger began screaming and bang- “male” was chosen for Mittens, but the doctor (nearly three hours, according to the study) than it Tights. In television ads, Wang wrote, a young ing on the back door. Moreno sped off with his said correcting Charcoal’s pre-surgery problem, does for ER (and ambulance) staff, who treat ev- model sashays down a city street with her eyes hostages, but was subsequently stopped again and urination, would be less stressful as a female. ery case of cardiac symptoms as life-threatening. dreamily closed and “moans and utters highly charged with kidnapping and criminal restraint Overall, according to a February Wall Street Jour- sexually charged phrases” “including ‘That’s the (but no HOV violation!). Fine Points of the Law nal report, the study found the mortality rate for spot’ and ‘so good’ ... passersby (stop) in their -- Mike Montemayor, until recently a The Supreme Court of Canada turned heart-attack victims treated in emergency rooms tracks to look at her with mouths agape.” Wang county commissioner in Laredo, Texas, pleaded down Joel Ifergan’s appeal in January, leaving his is 4 percent, compared to 40 percent for patients said the ad clearly implies that the tights produce guilty to bribery charges in June and had argued winning-number lottery ticket from 2008 worth- already admitted for other reasons and then suf- an orgasmic sensation of some sort, wrote Go- in January 2015 that he should get a light sen- less. He had bought two tickets seconds before the fering heart attacks. thamist.com, but that she, herself, has come up tence because, after all, he had subsequently 9 p.m. deadline on May 23 of that year, and the empty. helped FBI agents in a sting against three other tickets had started to print on the store’s machine, The Continuing Crisis officials accused of bribery. However, the pros- but only the first one carried that day’s date. By -- Uh-Oh: The man hospitalized in fair Cliches Come to Life ecutor immediately countered that Montemayor the time the second one -- with winning numbers condition in January after being rammed from be- (1) Margaretta Evans, 63, finally report- had in fact tried to steal the recording devices and for the $27 million jackpot -- had gone through hind by a car while on his bicycle happened to be ed her missing son to the Myrtle Beach (South Apple computer the FBI had furnished him to do the lottery’s central computer system and back to Darryl Isaacs, 50, one of the most ubiquitously Carolina) Police Department in January. She said the undercover work. (He got six years in prison the store’s printer, the program had already kicked advertising personal-injury lawyers in Louisville, Jason Callahan, who would be 38, had been miss- and a $109,000 fine.) over to the following day and to the next week’s Kentucky. Isaacs calls himself the “Heavy Hitter” ing since “early June of 1995” when he left home drawing. and the “Kentucky Hammer” for his aggressive- to follow the Grateful Dead on tour in California Compelling Explanations ness on behalf of, among other clients, victims of and Illinois. (2) Riccardo Pacifici, described as -- Lame: (1) Briton Roberto Collins, 51, Undignified Deaths traffic collisions. The (soon-to-be-poorer) driver the head of Rome’s Jewish community, was ac- was sentenced to 13 months in jail by Manchester (1) Police in Seville, Spain, reported told police the sun got in his eyes. cidentally trapped while visiting the Auschwitz Crown Court in January after being caught stand- in November that a 23-year-old medical student -- Elephants in Love: (1) India TV re- prison death camp in January on Holocaust Re- ing on a ladies’ room toilet and peering into the visiting from Poland accidentally fell to her death ported in January that a wild male elephant from membrance Day, after staff had departed. When next stall. He told police he stood up only to better at the famous Puente de Triana bridge when she an adjoining sanctuary had broken into the Nan- Pacifici and four associates crawled out through scratch an itch and was in the ladies’ room only maneuvered herself into position on a ledge to dan Kanan zoo in Odisha, wildly besotted with a window, security officers spotted them, provok- because, wearing faulty glasses, he thought it was take a “selfie.” It was the third “selfie” death on a female, Heera. The male cast aside two other ing the New York magazine headline, “Polish Po- the men’s room. (2) Scotsman Dean Gilmartin, the Iberian peninsula in five months; in August females trying to protect Heera and mated with lice Detained a Jewish Leader Trying to Escape 25, actually persuaded a judge at Perth Sheriff a tourist couple (both also from Poland) fell to her. The male lingered overnight until zookeepers Auschwitz.” Court in January of his “innocence” -- that he their deaths while posing for their photo at Cabo could shoo him away. (2) A frisky male elephant might not have been masturbating at the front de Roca, Portugal. (2) In January, a tourist visit- crushed four cars in 10 days in January at Thai- Least Competent Criminals window of his home. He admitted he was nude ing the Spanish island of Ibiza with her boyfriend land’s Khao Yai National Park -- the result, said a -- Two men remain at large after stealing (changing clothes), but pointed out that he plays jumped up joyously as he proposed marriage to park veterinarian, of the stress of the mating sea- an ATM from Casino Calgary in Calgary, Alberta, musical instruments and was probably just pick- her, lost her balance and fell 65 feet off a cliff to son. (Only the last of the four cars was occupied, in January. They had smashed through glass front ing out tunes on his ukulele (rather than “holding” her death. but no injuries were serious.) doors, unbolted the machine, put it on a dolly and his genitals and moving “side to side,” as a neigh- -- While nearly all Americans enjoy rolled it to a waiting car (though it briefly toppled bor had charged). Recurring Themes low gasoline prices, residents of sea-locked Alas- over onto one of the culprits). Managers told po- -- Explanation for Child-Porn Posses- Ultra-Expensive Trysts: The ones re- kan towns (Barrow, Kotzebue, Nome, Ketchikan) lice the ATM was empty, disabled and scheduled sion Never Before Heard: Poet Les Merton, 70, ported previously in News of the Weird involved have continued to pay their same hefty prices to be moved to another location later that day. A denied in January that he had ever abused chil- celebrities ultimately nailed for high-ticket child ($7 a gallon, according to one January report on Calgary police officer expressed bemusement at dren, but had a more difficult time explaining why support payments based on a single encounter Alaska Dispatch News). Though the price in An- the city’s recent ATM smash-and-grab epidemic, a child-porn website had his credit card informa- (e.g., tennis star Boris Becker, who admitted con- chorage and Fairbanks resembles that in the rest since the machines are hard to unbolt, hard to tion. Merton holds the appointed title of Cornish ceiving a child in a restaurant closet rendezvous). of America, unconnected towns can be supplied open and emptied several times a day. “It’s a very bard in Cornwall, England, and is the author of British tourist Peter Cousins, 55, is now dealing only during a four-month breather from icy sea ineffective way to make a living.” the Official Encyclopedia of the Cornish Pasty -- with a medical bill of $250,000 after deciding that conditions and thus received their final winter -- Unwise Robbery Target: Police in and explained in Truro Crown Court that he must the middle of a Nevada desert was a good place to shipments last summer. The price the supplier Champaign, Illinois, charged Clayton Dial, 23, have mindlessly entered his credit card informa- have sex -- which provoked a heart attack, lead- was forced to pay then dictates pump prices until with robbery on New Year’s night, for carrying tion while researching the 19th-century Russian ing to emergency rescue and a five-day hospital around May or June. a pellet gun into the Kamakura Japanese restau- figure Rasputin. stay (and, eventually, breakup with his then-girl- rant and demanding money from the hostess. friend). The Ever-Valuable Internet However, he fled quickly when chef Tetsuji Miwa What Researchers Do In January, “Captain Mercedes,” a reg- walked over, holding his large sushi knife. “He “Entomologists are not like other peo- Send your weird news to istered user of the Reddit.com social media site, saw the blade,” Miwa said later, and “started run- ple,” Wired.com reported in January, revealing WeirdNews at announced he had compiled a data file catalogu- ning.” (Miwa and two co-workers gave chase and that two of them had “proudly” issued “birth” earthlink dot net, ing every bowel movement he had in 2014 and held him for police.) announcements for the “Human bot fly” whose and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa, FL 33679. was offering the file to other users to design hy- larvae one had let gestate beneath his skin for Copyright, potheses and visual representations of the data in Recurring Themes two months. Scientist Piotr Naskrecki and pho- Chuck Shepherd ways that might improve his relationship with his One of the legendary American lawsuit tographer Gil Wizen had been inadvertently bit- alimentary canal. According to the data-analysis successes is the 1970 award of $50,000 to Glo- ten while on assignment in Belize and decided the website FiveThirtyEight.com, the “researcher” ria Sykes, whose brain injury on a San Francisco egg-laying “attack” on a human was an important used the standard “Bristol stool scale” (seven cable car left the previously modest Midwestern opportunity for research. After all, Naskrecki categories of excreta, by shape and consistency) woman with an unrestrained libido. News of the said, he had never seen an adult bot fly “crawl

6 WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM #021915031115 VOLUME 13 ISSUE 3 THE VALLEY PLANET ing and embracing the style of the bossa novas from decades ago. I had The Original Public House – fun and learned a lot during my won- derful labor of love, and I truly hope A Nice Upgrade you get the same pleasure from this by Mike Ragoza album that I have experienced when I sit down after a long day and put on ecently visited the former Finnegan’s Pub which has been elcome to the Jazz Lounge. This session will focus on Kenneth Bruce Gorelick, my ‘bossa nova’ sounds. Words can’t describe transformed inside and out to the new Original Public that feeling but hopefully the melodies that I’ve House. The restaurant off of South Memorial Parkway near better known as Kenny G. This saxo- R Wphonist has had one of the most eclectic and domi- played here will.” Hollywood 18 has been cleaned up and brightened up on the in- side, and the menu overhauled as well as part of new ownership. nant careers the music business has ever seen. He has maintained a high level of creative excellence Melodies and music have long been a signature But what about the food? In short, it was very good and definitely part of Kenny G’s life. Since releasing his self- worth a return visit. through decades of unprecedented commercial success by never allowing himself to stay in one titled debut disc in the fall of 1982, he has become the biggest selling instrumental musician of the We started with the Beer Chips with cheese and bacon, but this was place too long. That reputation for musical curios- th modern era, and one of the best-selling artists of the one letdown of the entire meal as the chips came out cold. In ity stays well intact on his latest release – his 14 studio album - ‘Brazilian Nights’. all time, with global sales totaling more than 75 talking to the owner later he mentioned that a new timer for their million records. His biggest album was 1992’s broiler should fix that problem. They did reheat our chips but it ‘Breathless’ – which sold 12 million copies in the wasn’t quite the same. The main courses were much better. The Kenny says, “I’ve been in love with bossa nova my whole life. I think the first song that won me United States alone. In addition, his 1994 Christ- Pretzel Covered Chicken with a honey mustard sauce with a slight mas album ‘Miracle: The Holiday Album’ ranks kick was tasty and moist. The sandwich was large too, necessitat- over was Cannonball Adderley’s version of ‘Qui- et Nights,” and more recently I’ve been listening as one of the most successful Yuletide albums ing a take home bag. The Crispy Cod was equally tasty, moist, and hot and our sides of cabbage and ever – with sales of over 8 million copies. Seven homemade mashed potatoes complemented a first-rate meal. Good beer and wine selection including (non-stop!) to Stan Getz’s album ‘Getz For Lov- ers’. I think I’ve listened to that record almost ev- of his singles have hit the Top 40 on the Billboard my favorites from Stone Brewery in California. I left room somehow for the dessert a bread pudding Hot 100. He has also been ranked as one of the that was delicious, nailing my sweet tooth. ery day for the past 5 years, and it really was the inspiration in making this album. My goal was not most played artists in the Adult Contemporary format – with 9 top ten singles. His biggest hit The service was very good, too. They do not take reservations but offer “call ahead” seating, which we only to make a bossa nova album that pays tribute to the ‘Masters’ who I’ve been listening to (Can- came with 1987’s ‘Songbird’, which peaked at # 4 employed on a busy Saturday night. We only waited a minute or two once we arrived. The servers all on the Hot 100. Kenny G continues to play to sold have tablets that sped up the order and delivery process- their goal is your meal in less than 15 minutes, nonball Adderley, Paul Desmond and Stan Getz) but also to write and record original bossa novas out venues both here and abroad, with dates on ours was around 10. The place was packed but the entire wait staff really hustled and I never had to his calendar already filled through mid-2015. wait for anything. that I hope can ‘hold their own’ in this distin- guished company. I humbly say that I feel we’ve succeeded.” Kenny G has collaborated with some of the big- Overall just a great meal, The Original Public House is just a few crispy potato chips away from per- gest names in the business during his legendary fect. Starting with melodious sounds of ‘Bossa Anti- career, ranging from Michael Bolton to Weezer to Whitney Houston. He recently worked with pop st qua,” the 10-track album is a mixture of classics The Original Public House won 1 Place for Best New Restaurant in the Valley Planet’s Best of the superstar Katy Perry on her single ‘Last Friday Valley Readers’ Poll! and Kenny G originals. Writing five of the ten tracks with longtime collaborator (and co-produc- Night’. er) Walter Afanasieff, the veteran performer plays alto, tenor, and soprano sax, and is especially out- ‘Brazilian Nights’ would make a great addition to standing on tracks like ‘Bossa Real’, ‘April Rain’, your collection. and the title track ‘Brazilian Nights’. This is a very impressive album. That’s it for this session of the Jazz Lounge. You can always reach me at [email protected]. Kenny G admits that he took his time making this album, as he wanted to immerse himself into the Until next time, stay cool, & keep it jazzy! light and melodic sounds of music from across the globe. He says, “I spent a year and a half study-

Dr. Anarcho’s Rx For Old Stuff That Don’t They have an acoustically perfect design and you Suck: Tony Joe White – Any and all. can eat an upscale, white table cloth dinner while some of the top singer / songwriters of today per- e recently had the pleasure - make that form. honor – of seeing Tony Joe White per- Wform at the City Winery in Nashville. The food is pricey, but the tickets for the shows The “Polk Salad Annie” man is still alive and are not. Twenty–two dollars per seat put us less well. In fact, he is better than ever. Over the de- than 15 feet from the stage. City Winery is one cades White has released 16 studio albums and of the new concept “green” wine bars. It has nei- four “live” ones. ther bottles nor corks. Wines are shipped in from many of the best vineyards in the world in the You can’t go wrong with any of them and they casks in which they are aged. A layer or argon gas are timeless, each as good as or better than the keeps oxygen away and the wines are on tap, just previous offerings. His latest “Hoodoo” is no ex- like draft beers. ception. We will definitely be back; especially if Tony Joe While having a number of hits on his own, White White returns and the place is only 40 miles from is a prolific writer and a rarity these days because Whites country home in Franklin, TN. his lyrics actually mean something. He is a poet and storyteller. He wrote the soulful, heartbreak- For the uninitiated White fans, his “Greatest Hits” ing “Rainy Night In Georgia” and it gained in- album is a good starting place, but be warned. It ternational acclaim when picked up by Brook is addictive. Benton and went to the top of the charts. Rainy Night is so different from “Polk Salad Annie” Tracks are: that many, including me at one point, had no idea that White penned the song. He also has numer- 1. Polk Salad Annie ous other songs that were covered by other art- 2. Soul Francisco ists including Tina Turner’s version of “Steamy 3. Willie and Laura Mae Jones Windows.” 4. Rainy Night in Georgia 5. Roosevelt and Ira Lee (Night of the Mossacin) His four piece travelling band is magnificent and 6. Stockholm Blues as tight as any I have ever heard. He also performs 7. High Sheriff of Calhoun Parrish solo or with just a drummer, and what a steady 8. Old Man Willis drummer, a solid metronome with such steady 9. Train I’m On 3/4 time licks that even white people can dance to 10. If I Ever Saw a Good Thing them and clap on time. 11. As the Crow Files 12. Even Trolls Love Rock and Roll White has a cult following in the US and Does 13. Backwoods Preacher Man world tours regularly. He is particularly beloved 14. Takin’ the Midnight Train in Europe. 15. Did Somebody Make a Fool out of You 16. They Caught the Devil and Put Him in Jail in I have his entire discography and listen to all of it Eudora, Arkansas regularly. They are like visiting old friends. 17. Saturday Night in Oak Grove Louisiana 18. I’ve Got a Thing About You Baby Incidentally, “City Winery” in Nashville is one 19. For Ol’ Times Sake of the best venues you will ever see a performer. 20. Ol’ Mother Earth

THE VALLEY PLANET #021915031115 VOLUME 13 ISSUE 3 WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM 7 Marley From the Darkside t was a typical Sunday, lying around with my human, and indulging in a rousing game of Wake and Bake, I believe it’s called, when the television caught my eye. My human usually keeps some sort Iof animated thing or blood soaked, guitar heavy naked lady program of sorts on the thing, but today in his apparent stupor the channel sits idle and I saw something I couldn’t believe.

It was a little man in a very expensive suit, waving his diamond encrusted fingers in the air, asking other poorer humans to send him money to help. Help who? That Game Show Thing: Coming Soon to a Lowe Mill Near You! Well, him, apparently. f you’ve ever wanted to go behind the scenes of a game show, and just don’t have the means to stand in line wearing a stupid tee shirt asking Bob Barker to put you on TV (which wouldn’t work He spoke of a place called Heaven, to which tickets seem very expensive, and a place called Hell, since he’s retired - at this point that’s just stalking), then I’d suggest you head over to Lowe Mill where you go if you don’t have any money or disagree with Diamond fingers. At any rate the poor don’t I on February 28 at 8pm (at Prototype Studios near Vertical House Records) for taping (digitaling??) of seem to get much more than an honorable mention when it comes to these TV guys. That Game Show Thing. About this time my human wakes up, briefly, just long enough to mutter something about the size of the $8 will get you in. You won’t get to be a contestant/panelist because they’ve already been chosen (Beth preacher’s house and the sports car he drives, then back to his nap. He does have a point. These men Norwood, Sam Ashby, Mark Bentley, and Sam McLeroy have that honor this time), but you can watch whom we trust to use money given to help the poor are lining their pockets with the hopes and dreams the whole process and stay for a Q&A with the cast and crew after. of people giving, and the people hoping to receive. Geez man, these cats are dressed better than a New Orleans pimp, during Mardi Gras. It really is no wonder that I hate most of you humans, especially the That Game Show Thing was started by host Tom Hand (who had done an earlier version in 2014), and dumb ones. team captains Stephen Claybrooks and Patrick Cunningham, who had previously worked together developing a sitcom. But that didn’t work out for various reasons, and now they’re in the game show Speaking of humans, mine biz. They partnered with Prototype Studios to make what they say may be “the only full studio, profes- is wide awake now, and the sional, game show being made in the state of Alabama.” They’re hoping to shop the format around to TV preacher is no more. networks and content generators. Black Sabbath videos now rule the screen and my hu- Yes, but what is it? man is cursing something called a network for let- The format of the show will be in the vein of British panel games, where it’s more about just entertain- ting these Bible thumping ing the audience. So, in American terms kind of like @Midnight with more people. There will be two thieves on the air in the teams, each with 3 people. Round one will involve contestants answering questions in funny/creative first place. “Never trust a ways. Round 2 will be improvisational challenges. Round 3 will be rapid fire quips. Points will be preacher wearing a Rolex,” awarded in a somewhat arbitrary system, but who cares? It’s not about winning. It’s not about knowing as if I give a s***, but it that the capital of Iceland is Reykjavik. It’s about being awesomely funny and knowing that comedy makes my human calm if I is going to be judged. Possibly harshly. pretend to care. So check it out. Enjoy some comedy. Wear a stupid tee shirt to get Bob Barker’s attention. And don’t Well the magic smoke is forget to answer in the form of a question. Okay, I’m going to stop here because now I’m just making filling the air, so it’s time random references to old game shows and I’ll probably just keep on doing it till I select door number to get up from here and go 3, which is the end of this article. over there.

F*** catnip.

Hey preacher, what’s in your wallet?...... Meow.

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THE VALLEY PLANET #021915031115 VOLUME 13 ISSUE 3 WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM 9 Thursday, February 19 LISA’S LOUNGE, Karaoke w Mac Lawrence BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Dave Anderson LONE GOOSE, Upper Decker BLUE PANTS BREWERY, Seducing Alice MADISON STATION BAR & GRILL, Karaoke w/ D’LICOUS DINING (SEE AD PG.3), Karaoke Jim McGriff FURNITURE FACTORY, Robby Eichman MOE’S (PROVIDENCE), Cheryl Llewellyn GUADALAJARA (DECATUR), Karaoke w/ DJ MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke Jammin Jeff MVP SPIRTIS, Tyler AK HICKORY HOUSE, Karaoke SAMMY T’S, DJ Keibot and DJ Blin W���� HIGHWAY HAVEN, Karaoke THE BRICK (DECATUR), Mad Hatters HOPPER’S, Karaoke w/ DJ Tara THE HOT SPOT, Karaoke HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Cash Colley VOODOO LOUNGE, 5ive O’clock Charlie MADISON STATION BAR & GRILL, Karaoke w/ Jim McGriff Saturday, February 21 MAGGIE MEYER’S (SEE AD PG.11), The Kid AMERICAN LEGION POST 176, Karaoke E����bo�� MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Dave Anderson MVP SPIRTIS, Chris & Tommy CD PUB, Karaoke w/ Hit Master D PINCHI’S PLACE 2 (PRICEVILLE), Karaoke w/ DIAMONDS (SEE AD PG.10), St. Valentine’s Hit Master D Day Massacre Party Mr. Crowley SAMMY T’S, DJ Keibot and DJ Blin FURNITURE FACTORY, Calico SPORTS PAGE, 5ive O’clock Charlie HARD DOCK CAFE (DECATUR), Down South El�� G�e�! THE BRICK (DECATUR), Tim Cannon HICKORY HOUSE, Karaoke THE HOT SPOT, Bike Night w/ Live Music HIGHWAY HAVEN, Karaoke VOODOO LOUNGE, Open Mic HOPPER’S, Kozmic Mama ENTERTAINMENT HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Dirt Circus Friday, February 20 JEFFERSON STREET PUB, Jeff & Jordan AMERICAN LEGION POST 176, The Mersey LAS TROJAS, Edgar FRI 02/20 - STEADY ROLLERS Band LEEANN’S, Real Deal SAT 02/21 - ST. VALENTINE’S DAY BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Red Headed Step Child LISA’S LOUNGE, Karaoke w Mike B BISHOP’S WEST, Karaoke w/ Hit Master D LONE GOOSE, 45 Surprise MASSACRE PARTY BLUE PANTS BREWERY, Dr. Whateva Duo MADISON STATION BAR & GRILL, Karaoke w/ MR. CROWLEY DIAMONDS (SEE AD PG.10), Steady Rollers Jim McGriff EL HERRADURA, Edgar MAGGIE MEYER’S (SEE AD PG.11), Mayhem FRI 02/27 - “347” FURNITURE FACTORY, Juice MOE’S (DECATUR), Alexa Rankin/Rachel Kate HARD DOCK CAFE (DECATUR), Groove MOE’S (PROVIDENCE), Mike Roberts SAT 02/28 - CRUSH HICKORY HOUSE, Karaoke MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke HIGHWAY HAVEN, Karaoke MVP SPIRTIS, Emma Klein FRI 03/06 - SPACE DONKEYS HOPPER’S, Kozmic Mama SAMMY T’S, DJ Keibot and DJ Blin HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Trick Zipper STRAIGHT TO ALE, Dawn Osborne Band SAT 03/07 - BLACK LABEL JEFFERSON STREET PUB, Chad Bradford TANGLED STRING STUDIO, Ricky j Taylor Band JUNO, Dave McConnell THE BRICK (DECATUR), Jeff Whitlow & the Old FRI 03/13 - BIG DADDY KINGFISH LEEANN’S, Space Donkeys Barn Band SAT 03/14 - WET BANDITS THE HOT SPOT, David Holland and the Bootleggers ST. PADDY’S PARTY VOODOO LOUNGE, King’s Haze

FRI 03/20 - CHAKA BOOM Sunday, February 22 SAT 03/21 - RELAYER COTTON ROW, Sunday Brunch w/ Ken Watters & Keith Taylor EAGLES (DECATUR), Karaoke w/ Hit Master D FRI 03/27 - DRIVEN UNDER LONE GOOSE, Sunday Night Blues Jam SAT 03/28 - NO RECESS MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke VOODOO LOUNGE, Karaoke w/ DJ Brandon

Monday, February 23 BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Robby Eichman COPPERTOP, Karaoke w/ DJ Wes TRIVIA FURNITURE FACTORY, Open Jam w/ Andrew LIVE MUSIC TUESDAY - SATURDAY Johnson and Clay O’Dell MAC’S SPORTSBAR (ATHENS), Hitmaster D Mon- 50¢ Every Tuesday – 7:30 PM & Saturday Karaoke Smoked Brunch 10 AM MADISON STATION BAR & GRILL, Karaoke w/ Every Friday – 6:30 PM Chicken Wings Jim McGriff Tues 1/2 Price MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke Burgers Happy Hour THE HOT SPOT, Ladies Night VOODOO LOUNGE, Josh Allison Everyday Wed - $6 11AM - 6PM Steak & Side Tuesday, February 24 T�� Pla�� BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Josh Allison FURNITURE FACTORY, Karaoke w/ Super Lou HOPPER’S, Karaoke w/ DJ Tara T� B� HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Aaron Bradley MADISON STATION BAR & GRILL, Karaoke w/ Jim McGriff S��� �� MAGGIE MEYER’S (SEE AD PG.11), Karaoke w/ NO DJ Wes COVER MOODY MONDAYS, Open Mic SPORTS PAGE, Chelvis and the Bean S�u�� CHARGE THE HOT SPOT, Karaoke VOODOO LOUNGE, Dave Anderson

H�nt������! MON - THURS 11AM - 12 AM Wednesday, February 25 FRI 11 AM - 2 AM BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Microwave Dave Meadowbrook Shopping Center SAT 10 AM - 2 AM BISHOP’S WEST, Karaoke w/ Hit Master D 11208 Memorial Parkway SW BLUE PANTS BREWERY, We Care 256-704-5555 HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Zach Mayhall Huntsville, AL 35803 109 Washington Street, Huntsville, AL 35801 LISA’S LOUNGE, Ladies Night Karaoke w/ KJ www.humphreysdowntown.com Aubrey Must Be 21 MADISON STATION BAR & GRILL, Karaoke w/ with Valid ID Jim McGriff music cont. on pg. 11 10 WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM #021915031115 VOLUME 13 ISSUE 3 THE VALLEY PLANET music cont. from pg. 10 THE WELL CHURCH (PULASKI), Timothy Davis VOODOO LOUNGE, Karaoke w/ DJ Brandon MAGGIE MEYER’S (SEE AD PG.11), Open Mic Presented by Valley Planet & Maggie Meyers, in cooperation MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke Monday, March 2 with Singing River, Trim Tab, & Old Black Bear Breweries MVP SPIRTIS, Open Mic BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Robby Eichman NICK’S RISTORANTE, Josh Allison COPPERTOP, Karaoke w/ DJ Wes THE FOYER, Open Mic FURNITURE FACTORY, Open Jam w/ Andrew VOODOO LOUNGE, Dr. Whateva Johnson and Clay O’Dell MAC’S SPORTSBAR (ATHENS), Hitmaster D Maggie Meyers Marathon Thursday, February 26 Karaoke BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Dave Anderson MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke BLUE PANTS BREWERY, Aaron Bradley THE HOT SPOT, Ladies Night D’LICOUS DINING (SEE AD PG.3), Karaoke VOODOO LOUNGE, James Irvin FURNITURE FACTORY, Scott Morgan O' Mayhem & Merriment GUADALAJARA (DECATUR), Karaoke w/ DJ Tuesday, March 3 Jammin Jeff BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Josh Allison HICKORY HOUSE, Karaoke FURNITURE FACTORY, Karaoke w/ Super Lou 5 days of St Paddy's Fun HIGHWAY HAVEN, Karaoke HOPPER’S, Karaoke w/ DJ Tara HOPPER’S, Karaoke w/ DJ Tara HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Aaron Bradley HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Mayhem MADISON STATION BAR & GRILL, Karaoke w/ Corned Beef & Cabbage and other Traditional MADISON STATION BAR & GRILL, Karaoke w/ Jim McGriff Jim McGriff MAGGIE MEYER’S (SEE AD PG.11), Karaoke w/ Irish Foods, Local Craft Beer & Irish Beer Specials, MAGGIE MEYER’S (SEE AD PG.11), Tyler DJ Wes Drink Specials, T-shirts & Giveaways, Darts-Live! MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke MOODY MONDAYS, Open Mic MVP SPIRTIS, Chris & Tommy SPORTS PAGE, Chelvis and the Bean NICK’S RISTORANTE, Gus Hergert THE HOT SPOT, Karaoke PINCHI’S PLACE 2 (PRICEVILLE), Karaoke w/ VOODOO LOUNGE, Dave Anderson Hit Master D SAMMY T’S, DJ Keibot and DJ Blin Wednesday, March 4 SPORTS PAGE, 5ive O’clock Charlie BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Microwave Dave THE HOT SPOT, Bike Night w/ Live Music BISHOP’S WEST, Karaoke w/ Hit Master D the lineup VOODOO LOUNGE, Open Mic HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Tim Cannon 13th Fri - SlipJig LISA’S LOUNGE, Ladies Night Karaoke w/ KJ Friday, February 27 Aubrey 14th Sat - Bagpipes, Tony Perdue & the Devastators AMERICAN LEGION POST 176, The Mersey MADISON STATION BAR & GRILL, Karaoke w/ Band Jim McGriff 15th Sun - Variety Drag Show BISHOP’S WEST, Karaoke w/ Hit Master D MAGGIE MEYER’S (SEE AD PG.11), Open Mic 16th Mon - Open Mic Comedy & 2nd Annual Limerick Contest D’LICOUS DINING (SEE AD PG.3), Karaoke MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke DIAMONDS (SEE AD PG.10), 347 MVP SPIRTIS, Open Mic 17th Tues - Cracker Jacks EL HERRADURA, Edgar NICK’S RISTORANTE, Josh Allison maggiemeyersirishpub.com or Facebook for details each day FURNITURE FACTORY, Relayer STRAIGHT TO ALE, Bluegrass Jam HARD DOCK CAFE (DECATUR), Whiskey THE FOYER, Open Mic Straight VOODOO LOUNGE, Dr. Whateva HICKORY HOUSE, Karaoke HIGHWAY HAVEN, Karaoke Thursday, March 5 HOPPER’S, Groove BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Dave Anderson HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Seducing Alice D’LICOUS DINING (SEE AD PG.3), Karaoke JUNO, Dave McConnell FURNITURE FACTORY, Robby Eichman LEEANN’S, Big Daddy Kingfish GUADALAJARA (DECATUR), Karaoke w/ DJ LISA’S LOUNGE, Karaoke w Mac Lawrence Jammin Jeff LONE GOOSE, Permagroove HICKORY HOUSE, Karaoke MADISON STATION BAR & GRILL, Karaoke w/ HIGHWAY HAVEN, Karaoke Jim McGriff HOPPER’S, Karaoke w/ DJ Tara MAGGIE MEYER’S (SEE AD PG.11), Tres Locos HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Cheryl MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke Llewellyn MVP SPIRTIS, Dawn Osborne Trio MADISON STATION BAR & GRILL, Karaoke w/ NICK’S RISTORANTE, Dave McConnell Jim McGriff SAMMY T’S, DJ Keibot and DJ Blin MOE’S (PROVIDENCE), Drew Richter STRAIGHT TO ALE, Alex Dietrich MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke THE BRICK (DECATUR), Coal Rain PINCHI’S PLACE 2 (PRICEVILLE), Karaoke w/ THE HOT SPOT, Karaoke Hit Master D VOODOO LOUNGE, Rachel Kate (Nashville) SAMMY T’S, DJ Keibot and DJ Blin SPORTS PAGE, 5ive O’clock Charlie Saturday, February 28 THE HOT SPOT, Bike Night w/ Live Music AMERICAN LEGION POST 176, Karaoke VOODOO LOUNGE, Open Mic CD PUB, Karaoke w/ Hit Master D DIAMONDS (SEE AD PG.10), Crush Friday, March 6 FURNITURE FACTORY, FD/DC AMERICAN LEGION POST 176, The Mersey HARD DOCK CAFE (DECATUR), Unbroken Band HICKORY HOUSE, Karaoke BISHOP’S EAST, Blackbird HIGHWAY HAVEN, Karaoke BISHOP’S WEST, Karaoke w/ Hit Master D HOPPER’S, Groove DIAMONDS (SEE AD PG.10), Space Donkeys HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Sweet Tea EL HERRADURA, Edgar Jubilee FURNITURE FACTORY, Duane Walker JEFFERSON STREET PUB, Larry Fleet HICKORY HOUSE, Karaoke LAS TROJAS, Edgar HIGHWAY HAVEN, Karaoke LEEANN’S, Tom Cat Bark the Dog HOPPER’S, Emily Joseph Band LISA’S LOUNGE, Karaoke w Mike HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Winslow Davis LONE GOOSE, Steady Rollers Ensemble MADISON STATION BAR & GRILL, Karaoke w/ LISA’S LOUNGE, Karaoke w Mac Lawrence Jim McGriff MADISON STATION BAR & GRILL, Karaoke w/ MAGGIE MEYER’S (SEE AD PG.11), Mystery Jim McGriff Twins MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke MVP SPIRTIS, Flux Capacitator Overdrive MVP SPIRTIS, Christian Lee SAMMY T’S, DJ Keibot and DJ Blin SAMMY T’S, Chippendale’s THE HOT SPOT, Karaoke THE BRICK (DECATUR), Plato Jones VOODOO LOUNGE, Chop Daddy THE HOT SPOT, Horizon VOODOO LOUNGE, Lance Almon Smith Saturday, March 7 AMERICAN LEGION POST 176, Karaoke Sunday, March 1 CD PUB, Karaoke w/ Hit Master D COTTON ROW, Sunday Brunch w/ Ken Watters D’LICOUS DINING (SEE AD PG.3), Karaoke & Keith Taylor DIAMONDS (SEE AD PG.10), Black Label EAGLES (DECATUR), Karaoke w/ Hit Master D HICKORY HOUSE, Karaoke LONE GOOSE, Sunday Night Blues Jam HIGHWAY HAVEN, Karaoke MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke music cont. on pg. 12 THE VALLEY PLANET #021915031115 VOLUME 13 ISSUE 3 WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM 11 music cont. from pg. 11 MADISON STATION BAR & GRILL, Karaoke w/ Saturday, March 14 Jim McGriff AMERICAN LEGION POST 176, HOPPER’S, Emily Joseph Band MAGGIE MEYER’S (SEE AD PG.11), Open Mic Karaoke HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), 45 Surprise MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Dave ATLANTA JEFFERSON STREET PUB, Wes Loper NICK’S RISTORANTE, Josh Allison Anderson February 19, Maroon Five, Philips Arena LAS TROJAS, Edgar THE FOYER, Open Mic CD PUB, Karaoke w/ Hit Master D February 21, Charlie Wilson w/ Kem, Philips Arena LISA’S LOUNGE, Karaoke w Mike B VOODOO LOUNGE, Dr. Whateva DIAMONDS (SEE AD PG.10), St. February 21. Tinsley Ellis, Variety Playhouse MADISON STATION BAR & GRILL, Karaoke w/ Patty’s Day Party w/ Wet Bandits February 26, Sojo, Masquerade Jim McGriff Thursday, March 12 HICKORY HOUSE, Karaoke February 26, The Punch Brothers, The Tabernacle MAGGIE MEYER’S (SEE AD PG.11), Lost Dog 11TH FRAME, Hawthorne Heights HIGHWAY HAVEN, Karaoke February 26, Future Islands, Variety Playhouse MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Dave Anderson HOPPER’S, Kozmic Mama February 27, Lights, Masquerade February 27, Willie Nelson, Variety Playhouse NICK’S RISTORANTE, Dave McConnell D’LICOUS DINING (SEE AD PG.3), Karaoke HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), SAMMY T’S, DJ Keibot and DJ Blin February 28, Corey Smith, Variety Playhouse GUADALAJARA (DECATUR), Karaoke w/ DJ Winslow Davis, Chelvis &the February 28, Billy Joel, Philips Arena THE HOT SPOT, Behind the Wire Jammin Jeff Bean, Chris Stalcup Trio, The March 7, Bush, Variety Playhouse HICKORY HOUSE, Karaoke Beasley Brothers March 9, Fifth Harmony, Buckhead Theatre Sunday, March 8 HIGHWAY HAVEN, Karaoke LAS TROJAS, Edgar March 10, Hozier, Variety Playhouse COTTON ROW, Sunday Brunch w/ Ken Watters HOPPER’S, Karaoke w/ DJ Tara LISA’S LOUNGE, Karaoke w Mike B March 13, Hozier, The Tabernacle & Keith Taylor HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), George Scherer MADISON STATION BAR & March 13, John Mellencamp, Fox Theatre EAGLES (DECATUR), Karaoke w/ Hit Master D MADISON STATION BAR & GRILL, Karaoke w/ GRILL, Karaoke w/ Jim McGriff LONE GOOSE, Sunday Night Blues Jam Jim McGriff MAGGIE MEYER’S (SEE AD BIRMINGHAM February 22, Charlie Wilson w/ Kem, Legacy Arena at BJCC MAGGIE MEYER’S (SEE AD PG.11), Slip Jig MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke PG.11), Chris Conway bagpipes, MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke February 24, Jason Aldean, Bancorp South Arena PINCHI’S PLACE 2 (PRICEVILLE), Karaoke w/ Tony Perdue & The Devastators March 6, Little Big Town, BJCC Concert Hall VOODOO LOUNGE, Karaoke w/ DJ Brandon Hit Master D MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke March 7, Gladys Knight, BJCC Concert Hall SAMMY T’S, DJ Keibot and DJ Blin NICK’S RISTORANTE, Dave March 12, John Mellencamp, BJCC Concert Hall Monday, March 9 THE HOT SPOT, Bike Night w/ Live Music McConnell March 15, Santana, BJCC Concert Hall BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Robby Eichman VOODOO LOUNGE, Open Mic SAMMY T’S, DJ Keibot and COPPERTOP, Karaoke with DJ Wes DJ Blin HUNTSVILLE MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke Friday, March 13 STRAIGHT TO ALE, St. Patty’s February 23, Gordon Lightfoot, VBC Concert Hall THE HOT SPOT, Ladies Night AMERICAN LEGION POST 176, The Mersey Day Celebration w/ Bourbon & March 4, Elton John, VBC Propst Arena VOODOO LOUNGE, Cheryl Llewllyn Band Shamrocks NASHVILLE BISHOP’S WEST, Karaoke w/ Hit Master D THE HOT SPOT, Buck Sixx February 21, Jason Aldean, Bridgestone Arena Tuesday, March 10 DIAMONDS (SEE AD PG.10), Big Daddy VOODOO LOUNGE, Ant & February 27, Maroon 5, Bridgestone Arena BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Josh Allison Kingfish Andrew Sharp February 27, Punch Brothers, Ryman Auditorium HOPPER’S, Karaoke w/ DJ Tara EL HERRADURA, Edgar March 1, Lights, Rocktown Main Building, HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Winslow Davis HICKORY HOUSE, Karaoke Sunday, March 15 March 1, Chris Brown, Bridgestone Arena MADISON STATION BAR & GRILL, Karaoke w/ March 3 – 4, Willie Nelson, Ryman Auditorium HIGHWAY HAVEN, Karaoke COTTON ROW, Sunday Brunch rd Jim McGriff HOPPER’S, Kozmic Mama w/ Ken Watters & Keith Taylor March 8, Hound Mouth, Twin Limb, 3 and Lindsey MAGGIE MEYER’S (SEE AD PG.11), Karaoke w/ HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), CBDB Album EAGLES (DECATUR), Karaoke w/ March 11, Santana, Ryman Auditorium DJ Wes March 14, Hozier, Ryman Auditorium Release Party Hit Master D March 14, Catfish & the Bottleman, The High Wyatt MOODY MONDAYS, Open Mic LISA’S LOUNGE, Karaoke w Mac Lawrence LONE GOOSE, Sunday Night SPORTS PAGE, Chelvis and the Bean MADISON STATION BAR & GRILL, Karaoke w/ Blues Jam THE HOT SPOT, Karaoke Jim McGriff MAGGIE MEYER’S (SEE AD VOODOO LOUNGE, Dave Anderson MAGGIE MEYER’S (SEE AD PG.11), Slip Jig PG.11), Variety Drag Show MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke MOODY MONDAYS, Karaoke Wednesday, March 11 MVP SPIRTIS, Christian Lee VOODOO LOUNGE, Karaoke w/ BANDITO SOUTHSIDE, Microwave Dave SAMMY T’S, DJ Keibot and DJ Blin DJ Brandon BISHOP’S WEST, Karaoke w/ Hit Master D THE HOT SPOT, Karaoke HUMPHREY’S (SEE AD PG.10), Mike Slaten VOODOO LOUNGE, Dawn Osborne LISA’S LOUNGE, Ladies Night Karaoke w/ KJ Aubrey the end!! History Made in Alabama! Legal Same Sex Marriages Held in Big Spring Park!

12 WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM #021915031115 VOLUME 13 ISSUE 3 THE VALLEY PLANET CALENDAR OF EVENTS Thursday, February 19 The Lost and Found Farewell Tour Concert will be The North Alabama Center for Educational at the All Saints Lutheran Church, 12100 Bailey Cove Excellence will be offering help to find money Road at 7pm. Free. www.aslc-elca.org. for college during February and March which are designated as Financial Aid Awareness Months. The There will be a Teacher Professional Development centers will be open Monday - Friday 8am - 5pm and Workshop with Dori DeCamillis at the Huntsville Saturdays 9am - 1pm. www.nacee.net, 256-372-4600. Museum of Art from 8am - 3pm. www.hsvmuseum.org. Alabama Center for the Arts will host a showing of work by Artist Michael Liu, Paper and Portraits on Maggie Meyer’s Irish Pub will have Trivia Night display now through February 25. every Thursday.www.maggiemeyersirishpub.com. (See ad pg.11) The Weeden House will have the exhibit, “A Century of Fashions and Wedding Gowns” on display now February 20 – 21 through February 28th daily except Mondays. UAHuntsville Chargers Hockey vs. Ferris State will https://weedenhousemuseum.com. be at 7pm at the VBC Propst Arena. The Monrovia Masterminds Science Club will meet February 20 – 22 at 4pm for Kids in grades 2-5 to explore potential and The Play, Aesop’s Foibles, will be at the VBC kinetic energy at the Monrovia Branch Library. Free. Playhouse. Performance times are Friday and 256-489-3392. Saturday at 7pm and Sunday at 1:30 and 5pm. http:// www.letthemagicbegin.org. The UAH Office of Multicultural Affairs Annual Black History Month Luncheon will be celebrating 25 years Lyrique Music Productions presents The Odd Couple featuring the melodic voices of 8VALuation at the at the Renaissance Theatre. Performance times are UAH Shelby Center, Room 301. $12. 256-824-2332 Friday at 7pm and Saturday and Sunday at 2pm and 7pm. www.renaissancetheatre.net. There will be a Music Forum from the Constellation Concert Series at 9:35am in Roberts Recital Hall at Saturday, February 21 UAH. $10 and free for students. www.uah.edu. The Artist Market will be every Saturday from 12 – 4pm at the Flying Monkey. Free. $ The US Space and Rocket Center will have The www.flyingmonkeyarts.org. m Exhibit: 101 Inventions That Changed the World ‘E for now through March 15. 256-837-3400. A New Leash on Life will have dogs and cats available ix for adoption every Saturday from 12 – 4pm at Pet F 5Every Carnegie Visual Arts will have the exhibit Smart on Carl T. Jones. www.anewleash.org. Photographs of North Alabama on display through March 7. www.carnegiearts.org. Publisher Steve Gierhart of Ardent Writer Press will Dog Owner5810 be at the meeting of the National League of American Live in0? in 3 ! The Huntsville Botanical Gardens will show the Pen Women- Huntsville Chapter. The meeting starts at 581 Qualifies work of William Thomas through April 15. 9:45 am at the Garden Room of First Christian Church. 3 r www.hsvbg.org. www.facebook.com/NLAPWHUNTSVILLEBRANCH. x you No Fi ! The Alabama Master Gardener Volunteer program The 6th Annual Wounded Warrior 5K will be at Dog Income will meet every Thursday through April 30th. The McGucken Park at 8am. Restrictions meetings will be at the Tennessee Valley Research and http://grissomjrotcwoundedwarrior5k.com. ONLY$ Extension Center two miles north of Belle Mina. 5 www.mginfo.org. The Rocket City Weather Fest will be at the UAH Free Shelby Center from 10am - 4pm. Free. Rabies Shot The Huntsville Museum of Art will have the exhibits, www.rocketcityweatherfest.com. with surgery Grandma Moses: Visions of America through March 1, and Rembrandt, Rubens, Gainsborough & The The “Impact of Racial Stereotypes in America” 35810 Golden Age of Painting in Europe now through discussion group will meet at the Bessie K. Russell April 26th. www.hsvmuseum.org. Library at 2pm. Free. 256-859-9050. 256-830-8459 The Shirts-n-Skirts square dance club will have Burritt on the Mountain will have a Free Day with no dancing on the 1st & 3rd Thursdays at the Dance admission charge from 10am - 4pm. and dogs welcome - $15) will be at the Huntsville All-Stars “House Band” from 4 - 7pm at 2020 Country Factory on Freeman Ave. then on the 2nd & 4th www.burrittonthemountain.com. Botanical Gardens from 12 - 1pm. www.hsvbg.org. Club Avenue in Huntsville. $5. www.tvjs.com, 256- Thursdays at the Athens Recreation Center on Hwy 604-8172. 31. 256-423-4141, www.shirts-n-skirts.com. The Spaces Sculpture Trail Walking Tour will be from Georgia Bottoms: A Comic Opera of the Modern 10am - noon at Alabama A&M University, park at the South presented by Huntsville Symphony Orchestra Monday, February 23 Call for entries begin now for Decatur’s Princess Morrison Building. Free. will be from 7:30 – 9:30pm at the VBC Concert Hall. There will be a Monday Night Women’s Ride (every Theatre 5th Annual River City Film Festival held April www.spacessculpturetrail.org. www.hso.org. Monday) at 5:30pm. Meet at the MSSP Biker’s Parking 10 - 11. 256-350-1745 x 301, Lot. 256-585-0905. www.facebook.com, rivercityfilmfestival. Art 21 Screening & People’s Studio will be from 1 - Mensa Kids Trek 27th Annual Young Inventors Day 3:30pm in the Flying Monkey Arts. Free. Also offered will be at the Huntsville-Madison Library from 2 - Your Yoga with Casey Beginner’s class will be in Thursday Night Swing will be at the Flying Monkey March 7th. www.flyingmonkeyarts.org. 4pm. www.hmcpl.org. studio # 258 at Lowe Mill. Fee. It will be every Monday Theatre from 6:30 – 10pm (every Thursday.) www. from 6 - 7pm. [email protected]. flyingmonkeyarts.org, www.huntsvilleswing.com. There will be a 2015 Skate-a-thon from 10 - 11:30am The Mardi Gras Masquerade Ball will be at Joe www.lowemill.net. at Skate Odyssey. Dixie Derby Girls and RAD Juniors Wheeler State Park, 4403 McLean Drive, Rogersville, Duos and Solos Square Dance Club will be offering will be hosting this event. All proceeds benefit AL. Packages available for Saturday night, $99 Maggie Meyer’s will have Comedy Open Mic Night, lessons to couples and singles every Thursday at SNAP. $3. 256-247-5461. hosted by Matthew Tate every Monday at 8pm. 6:30pm at the Tom Bevill Enrichment Center in www.maggiemeyersirishpub.com. (See ad pg.11) Rainsville, AL. www.duosandsolos.com. There will be a Planetarium Show every Saturday There will be a Maslenitsa Spring Festival at James night at 7:30pm at the Planetarium. www.vbas.org. Clemens High School at 10am. Live Trivia will be every Monday at Straight to Ale Harmony Park Animal Safari will have self-guided Brewery. www.straighttoale.com. tours daily 10am until sundown. 877-726-4625. 431 Can’t Afford Cable Presents: Clockwork Comedy at There will be a Contra Dance in the gym of Faith Clouds Cove Rd. $8 8pm at Prototype Multimedia in Lowe Mill. Presbyterian Church with live music by David Coe & The Huntsville Photographic Society Competition, www.lowemill.net. friends and calling by Matt Hawkins. 7:30 - 10:30pm. “America the Beautiful” will be at the Huntsville- A Sweet Obsession: Antique Chocolate Molds will Lessons begin at 7pm. $8 and $6 for students. 256- Madison Library from 7 - 8:50pm. www.hsvbg.org. be on display now through March 1 at Burritt on the The UAH Music Department and the Alabama Chapter 837-0656, http://www.secontra.com. Mountain. www.burrittonthemountain.com. of the Percussive Arts Society presents A Day of An Evening with Gordon Lightfoot will be at the VBC Percussion from 9am - 5pm in Roberts Recital Hall. There will be a Kids Art Class from 1 - 2pm in Denise Concert Hall at 8pm. The Community Cinema: American Denial will be www.uah.edu. Onwere’s Studio 314 of Lowe Mill. $75 Admission. It from 7 - 9pm in the Film Co-op Studio 251 of the will be offered every Saturday through March 15th. Tuesday, February 24 Flying Monkey Arts. Free. Picking and Grinning will be every Saturday from 6 www.lowemill.net. Zumba Fitness will be every Tuesday from 5 – 6pm www.flyingmonkeyarts.org. – 9pm at the New Hope Senior Center on Church in the Athens State University Sandridge Student Street. 256- 723-2208. Sunday, February 22 Center. Fee. 256- 749-5485. The Huntsville Havoc vs. Columbus will be at 7:30pm The Film Co-op Monthly Workshop will meet from at the VBC Propst Arena. The Downtown Dish historical walking tour 2 - 4pm in the Film Co-op Studio 251 of the Flying Games Night with Pinball Tournament will be every through the streets and neighborhoods of Monkey Theatre from 2 - 4pm. Free. Tuesday from 6 - 9:30pm at Straight to Ale Brewery. The Madison Chamber of Commerce Monthly downtown Huntsville will be every Saturday. www.flyingmonkeyart.org. www.straighttoale.com. Luncheon will be from 11:30 am - 1pm at the Best www.huntsvillefoodtours.com. Western Plus in Madison The HAM Radio Club meets every Sunday from 2 - The Student Senior Recital with Adam O’Boyle, The Huntsville Botanical Gardens will have the 4pm at First Baptist Church (Governor’s Drive) in the piano will be at 7:30pm at Roberts Recital Hall. February 19 – 22 exhibit William Thomas now through February 28th. Library. www.fbchsv.org. www.uah.edu. The Whole Backstage presents Whodunit the www.hsvbg.org. Musical by Ed Dixo at 7pm except Sunday it will be at There will be a Lecture: U.S. Army Units Composed The U.S. Space & Rocket Center will have Senior 2pm. $18 for adults and $16 for students. HBCU College Fair will be at Union Chapel MBC Solely of Black Soldiers, at the Huntsville -Madison Appreciation Series every Tuesday for guests ages www.thewholebackstage.com. Family Life Center, 315 Winchester Road, from 10am Library. Free. www.hmcpl.org. 55 and up through February. Seniors get a discounted - 1pm. www.huntsvilleurbannetwork.com. museum admission price of $11. 256- 721-7140. Friday, February 20 Learn how to get your garden ready for spring on Dance Rocket City Dance Party will be every Friday In celebration of the new novel The Hotel Monte Sano from 2 - 4pm at the Huntsville-Madison Library. The Voices of Hope will present a program of civil from 8 – 10pm at 2614 Artie Street. Dance is $10; by Charles Farley, The Land Trust of North Alabama Free. www.hmcpl.org, 256-532-2362. rights songs and African-American spirituals at 6pm lesson is $5/10. www.dancerocketcity.com. will have the first of three interpretive hikes. Hike 1- in the Atrium of the downtown Huntsville-Madison The Hotel Loop meets at the Little Green Store; hike is Steve Waldrip will be in concert at the Cowboy Library. Free. 256-532-5975, www. hmcpl.org. The UAH Faculty Recital will be at Roberts Recital from 1- 2pm. landtrustnal.org. Church of Marshall County, 100 Carroll Street in Hall at 7:30pm. www.uah.edu. Albertville at 10am. http://stevewaldrip.org, Wednesday, February 25 Drop-In and Create! A Golden Day of Hatmaking 256-572-6055. Every Wednesday there will be a Bike Ride at 5:30pm Alright Bayou Comedy is a standup comedy show will be at the Huntsville Museum of Art from 11am starting at Bicycles Etc. www.bicyclesetc.us. every 1st, 3rd, and 5th Friday, at 8pm at Tim’s Cajun - 1pm. Free. www.hsvmuseum.org. Alabama A&M University WJAB 90.9, Tennessee Valley Kitchen. $5. Jazz Society, Focus Live Martini Bar & Grill present The Race for Top Dog begins at 8am (humans only Talking All That Jazz with The Tennessee Valley Jazz - $20) and 1-mile Doggie Dash Fun Run (humans events cont. on pg. 14

THE VALLEY PLANET #021915031115 VOLUME 13 ISSUE 3 WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM 13 events cont. from pg. 13 The Family Egg Drop Challenge will be at Sci-Quest Hands-On-Science Center from 10am - 4pm. The Beginners Melt and Pour Soap Class will be www.sciquest.org. from 6 - 8pm at the T - n- T Treasures Studio 266 of the Flying Monkey Arts. $42 Admission. It will also The Spring into Summer Activities Fair will be at the be offered on March th4 , March 7th and 14th. 412-378- Davidson Center for Space Exploration from 10am - 6896, www.flyingmonkeyarts.org. 3pm. www.rocketcenter.com. West Coast Swing in the Rocket City presented by For Michael – The Music of Michael Jackson Rocket Westies will be at Lowe Mill – Flying Monkey presented by Huntsville Symphony Orchestra will Arts Theater every Tuesday at 7pm. $10. be from 7:30 – 9:30pm at the VBC Concert Hall. www.lowemill.net. www.hso.org. Comedy Open Mic Night will be every Wednesday at The Huntsville Museum of Art will have the exhibit, Copper Top in Huntsville. 256 -536-1150. Dori DeCamillis opening now through June 14th. www.hsvmuseum.org. The Singles & Doubles Square Dance Club will meet each Wednesday night at Berachah Gym located Sunday, March 1 at 3011 Sparkman Drive from 6 – 8:45pm. 256-881- The Huntsville Museum of Art will have a docent-led 5720. tour of Grandma Moses: Visions of America from 1 - 1:45pm. www.hsvmuseum.org. The Beloved Books and Gallery Studio 257 will have From Mess to Mindfulness: Beginning Journaling The UAH Spring 10K Road Race will be at 2pm at the from 6:30 - 8pm. $120. Also be offered March 4th. UAHuntsville Fitness Center www.lowemill.net. 301 Sparkman Drive. Learn about African-American inventors through The Huntsville-Madison County Public Library hands-on activities, crafts, and more at Inventor presents “Ready Player One” by Ernest Cline as the Celebration Stations in the Youth Services featured book for Madison County Reads 2015. Department of the downtown Huntsville-Madison Throughout March, all 12 library branches will Library from 2:30 - 4:30pm. www.hmcpl.org, celebrate the ’80s with games, movies, lectures, and 256-532-5982. more.www.hmcpl.org. Thursday, February 26 The Huntsville Museum of Art will have a Gallery The UAH Art & Art History and Humanities Center Walk with Encounters Artist Dori DeCamillis at 2pm presentation “Southern Sounds: Recontextualization with a reception following. www.hsvmuseum.org. of Typography, Music and Cultural History in the Creative Process” will be at UAH Wilson Hall Theatre The Zeta Phi Beta Sorority Inc. Psi Alpha Zeta Chapter (first floor) at 7pm. Free. www.uah.edu. presents a “Natural Hair Workshop: Part 3” feat stylist Tawanna Hester from “Styles by Tawanna” will be at Printmaking in the Classroom will be from 6 - 8pm the Reserves Clubhouse, 116 Natures Way from 3 - at the Green Pea Press Studio 122 of Lowe Mill. $40. 5pm. $20. [email protected]. www.lowemill.net. The Film Co-op Monthly Workshop will be from The Entrepreneur Forum- Business Startups and 2 - 4pm in the Film Co-op Studio 251 of the Flying Growing Small Businesses will be from 5 - 7pm Monkey Arts. Free. www.flyingmonkeyarts.org. upstairs at Amendment XXI. Register in advance. https://hsvchamber.chambermaster.com. Tuesday, March 3 There will be live trivia at Straight to Ale at 7pm. The Rocket City Black Rodeo: Live and ‘N Color will www.straighttoale.com. be at the Alabama A&M Agribition Center at 8pm. 256-859-5896. Homegrown Huntsville Twosday (Demo + Tasting) will be at Humphrey’s Bar and Grill from 6 - 8pm. Friday, February 27 256-850-3231. The Paranormal Study Center will have a presentation by Gene Skaggs, “Using Psych-K for Self-healing”. It The Nature Explorers’ will be at Hays Nature will be at Hilton Garden Inn, Governor’s House Drive Preserve from 2 – 3pm. Free. from 6:30 - 9:00pm. $10. www.natureexplore.org. www.parapsychologystudygroup.com. Wednesday, March 4 There will be an Advance Technique Soap Making The Huntsville Museum of Art will have a GALA from 6 - 8:30pm in the T-nT Treasures Studio 261 of Luncheon with featured artist, Dean L. Mitchell at the Flying Monkey Arts. $15. Also offered March 6th. 11:30am. www.hsvmuseum.org. www.flyingmonkeyarts.org. Thursday, March 5 The 4th Annual Medi Gras Bash will be at the The Huntsville Museum of Art will have a GALA Jackson Center from 6 - 10pm. Black Tie Dinner and Live Auction will be at 6pm. http://huntsvillehospitalfoundation.org. www.hsvmuseum.org. The Black History Storytelling Time for Kids with TEDx Salon: Space Exploration viewing/discussions guest presenter Tierney Malone will be from 4 - 5pm of pre-recorded TED talks will be at 7pm at Straight to at Lowe Mill. Free. www.uah.edu, www.lowemill.net. Ale. www.straighttoale.com. February 27 -28 March 5 - 7 The UAH Chargers vs. Alaska Hockey Game will be The Polk Sallet Follies Annual Dinner Show will be at the VBC Propst Arena from 7 - 9:15pm. at the Limestone County Council on Aging Senior www.uahchargers.com. Center, 912 West Pryor Street in Athens. Reservations $35. www.pokesalletfollies.org The Rocket City Black Rodeo will be at the Alabama A&M Agribition Center, 4925 Moores Mill Road at The Alabama Fashion Alliance announces Lifetime’s 7:30pm. Doors open at 6pm. Project Runway’s Sandhya Garg as headlining designer for its 5th Fashion Week Alabama. All Fashion Week There will be a family-friendly African Sunset Plains events will take place at the DesignLab, located on Art Class at 11am at the Bessie K. Russell Branch of the second floor of the historic Lincoln Mills, 1300 the Huntsville-Madison Library. Free. 256-859-9050, Meridian Street. www.afa.ticketleap.com. www.hmcpl.org. Friday, March 6 February 27 – March 1 The 17th Annual UCP “An Irish Evening” will be at The Play, Aesop’s Foibles, will be at the VBC The Depot Roundhouse. United Cerebral Palsy of Playhouse on Friday and Saturday at 7pm and Huntsville and the Tennessee Valley will have a night Sunday at 1:30 and 5pm. of Irish-inspired fun from 6 - 10pm. $25. http://www.letthemagicbegin.org. ucphuntsville.org. There will be a Focus on Nature Photography The American Association of University Women Workshop at Joe Wheeler State Park. The Huntsville Branch hosts its annual Breaking Through photographer’s weekend will have field trips and Barriers Luncheon from 11:30am - 1pm, at the seminars. Packages start at $249.00 and include room Jackson Conference Center. $45 for Friday and Saturday nights. 256-247-5461. http://huntsville-al.aauw.net. Saturday, February 28 Jim Parker’s Songwriters Series will be at the VBC The Hospice of Limestone County Chili Challenge Playhouse at 6:30pm. jimparkermusic.com. and Silent Auction will be at Athens High School. 256-232-5017. March 6 – 7 The Monster Jam Truck Show will be in the VBC The Paper Chase Race will be at Constitution Village Arena at 7:30pm Friday and 2pm and 7:30pm from 8 - 10am. www.free-2-teach.org. Saturday. Tickets start at $27. www.ticketmaster.com, 800-745-3000. (See ad pg.10) There will be a Black History Emphasis with Special Guest: Sybrina Fulton (mother of Trayvon Martin) and March 6 - 8 the Central State (Ohio) University Choir at Oakwood Tarzan the Stage Musical will be at Grissom High University Church. www.oucsda.org. School Auditorium at 7:30pm and on Sundays at 2pm. www.grissomtheatre.org. The 20th Annual Storytelling Festival: “Tell Me A Story” will be at Trinity United Methodist Church at The Broadway Theatre League presents Peter and the 10am, 2pm, and 7pm. $15 256-883-3200. Star Catcher, A Grownup’s Prequel to Peter Pan, will be at the VBC Concert Hall at 8pm. Tickets start at That Game Show Thing comedy quiz show will be at $17. www.broadwaytheatreleague.org. 8pm at Prototype Studios at Lowe Mill. $8. www.lowemill.net. events cont. on pg. 16

14 WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM #021915031115 VOLUME 13 ISSUE 3 THE VALLEY PLANET FREE WILL ASTROLOGY On The Lam 4 February 19 - March 11 not the endowment I would have wanted if I had by Shawn Bailey © Copyright 2015 Rob Brezsny been Chaucer. I’d never get any work done if I were quaffing 16 glasses of wine every 24 hours. o after weeks of searing heat inside my can- ARIES (March 21-April 19): There are many dif- Couldn’t I instead be provided with a regular vas oven, I decide to find a hotel for a week. ferent facets to your intelligence, and each ma- stipend? Keep this story in mind, Libra, as you S I’ll treat myself and enjoy a real bed and air tures at a different rate. So for example, your abil- contemplate the benefits or rewards that might conditioning. ity to think symbolically may evolve more slowly become available to you. Ask for what you really than your ability to think abstractly. Your wisdom need, not necessarily what the giver initially of- The first hotel I go to is a known chain, just off the about why humans act the way they do may rip- fers. interstate. It takes 45 minutes to check in because en more rapidly than your insight into your own there are people in front of me and they’re slow. emotions. In the coming weeks, I expect one par- SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): To make the cock- Then he takes me to the room and I notice one small ticular aspect of your intelligence to be undergo- tail known as Sex on the Beach, you mix together problem. The floor is moving. Since I haven’t been ing a growth spurt: your knowledge of what your cranberry juice, orange juice, pineapple juice, drinking, this disturbs me. It’s ants. And there’s body needs and how to give it what it needs. peach schnapps, and vodka. There is also an alter- something on the bed covers we can’t quite classify. native “mocktail” called Safe Sex on the Beach. Was it once alive? Not sure. So he apologizes and TAURUS (April 20-May 20): What is the proper It has the same fruit juices, but no alcohol. Given retrieves another key. The next room has hairs on blend for you these days? Is it something like the likelihood that your inner teenager will be the pillow and again, some kind of miniature husks 51 percent pleasure and 49 percent business? Or playing an important role in your upcoming ad- on the cover. Abandoned insect armor? I ask for my would you be wiser to shoot for 49 percent plea- ventures, Scorpio, I recommend that you favor money back and eventually get it. Two hours of my sure and 51 percent business? I will leave that the Safe-Sex-on-the-Beach metaphor rather than life gone. decision up to you, Taurus. Whichever way you the Sex-on-the-Beach approach. At least tempo- go, I suggest that you try to interweave business rarily, it’s best to show a bit of protective restraint At another hotel, I ask to see the room before I pay. and pleasure as often as possible. You are in one toward the wild and sometimes erratic juvenile When we enter the room, I lift the corner of the bed of those action-packed phases when fun dovetails energy that’s pushing to be expressed. and then pull a pillow back. The young girl panics really well with ambition. I’m guessing that you and tells me I can’t do that. I say, do what? Pull the can make productive connections at parties. I’m SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): In Herman covers back? She says yes. I say why? She says be- betting that you can spice up your social life by Melville’s short story “Bartleby, the Scrivener,” a cause the cleaning crew has already left and there’s taking advantage of what comes to you through lawyer hires a man named Bartleby to work in his no one to fix the beds back. I look over at the pillow your work. office. At first Bartleby is a model employee, car- that I have turned over and turn it back over, set- rying out his assignments with dogged skill. But tling the chaos I have just caused. I notice again that GEMINI (May 21-June 20): In 1900, the world’s one day everything begins to change. Whenever there is hair on the pillow. A pattern is developing. most renowned mathematicians met at a con- his boss instructs him to do a specific task, Bar- ference in Paris. There the German whiz David tleby says, “I would prefer not to.” As the days go The next hotel is a weekly one. The initial price doesn’t sound too exorbitant, but it turns out there’s a Hilbert introduced his master list of 23 unsolved by, he does less and less, until finally he stops al- fee for everything. Internet, extra. Bath towels, extra. The ability to flush one’s toilet, extra. The price mathematical problems. At the time, no one had together. I’d like to propose, Sagittarius, that you is soon over the $300 mark. done such an exhaustive inventory. His well-de- take inspiration from his slowdown. Haven’t you fined challenge set the agenda for math research done enough for now? Haven’t you been exem- After a myriad of failed attempts, I finally find a hotel in a good location for a decent price. When I throughout the 20th century. Today he’s regarded plary in your commitment to the daily struggle? look at the room, it’s got a 42″ TV. Nice. I finally hand over my money. Then they immediately give me as an influential visionary. I’d love to see you Don’t you deserve a break in the action so you another room. The one in the back corner. Down the short, dark rape corridor. The bathroom sink has no come up with a list of your own top unsolved can recharge your psychospiritual batteries? I say counter. No problem. I can juggle. The curtains (and the window faces the road) don’t come together. I problems, Gemini. You now have extra insight yes. Maybe you will consider making this your have to use my chip clips to seal them. about the catalytic projects you will be smart to battle cry: “I would prefer not to.” work on and play with during the coming years. But I have an air conditioner. I am cool for the night. Maybe too cool. In my exuberance at being able CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): “All life is an to play God with my climate, I turned the control too far and wake up an icicle. From this point, I will CANCER (June 21-July 22): “Spanipelagic” is experiment. The more experiments you make the gradually decline in health over the next 3 weeks until I am forced to go the doctor. Also, during the an adjective scientists use to describe creatures better.” That’s what American philosopher Ralph night, I wake up and there’s a heavy smell of old people in my room. Creepy. that typically hang out in deep water but float Waldo Emerson advised. Even if you’re not natu- up to the surface on rare occasions. The term is rally inclined to see the potential wisdom of that A few weeks later, I come back and enter the room to find a small roach on the cover. I kill it and think not a perfect metaphorical fit for you, since you approach, I invite you to play around with it for nothing of it, because this creepy corner room is not sealed as well as the other rooms, and I have seen come up for air more often than that. But you do the next three weeks. You don’t need to do it for- at least one type of insect every night. No roaches, though. I’m on my way to work the next day when go through phases when you’re inclined to linger ever. It doesn’t have to become a permanent fix- I see these huge pimple/bite marks on my forearm. Three raised whiteheads all together. I really don’t for a long time in the abyss, enjoying the dark ture in your philosophy. Just for now, experiment know what they are. That night I ask the owner for new sheets. He looks at me like I’m crazy. I show mysteries and fathomless emotions. According to with the possibility that trying lots of experiments him the marks on my arm. He says they’re not going to change them, but I can bring the sheets and my reading of the astrological omens, that’s what will lead you not just to new truths, but to new he’ll wash them and give them back to me. I say, “You don’t have sheets you can just hand me when you’ve been doing lately. Any day now, however, truths that are fun, interesting, and useful. I give you mine?” Because I have an aversion to these sheets, and at this point in time, I can tell this I expect you’ll be rising up from the Great Down cheapskate is probably going to throw them in a dryer for 3 minutes and hand them back to me. He Below and headed topside for an extended stay. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The art of the stares again like I’m the crazy one and shakes his head. Okay, he seems to be saying, if you want to French Aquarian painter Armand Guillaumin make sense, let’s just do it then. So I bring my sheets and blanket to him. As I’m handing it over, he LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): When faced with a big (1841-1927) appears in prestigious museums. He stops again and just stares at me. I’m the insane one again. What’s wrong with the blanket, he says. To decision, you might say you want to “sleep on it.” isn’t as famous as his fellow Impressionists Paul be clear, he is asking me why I have decided to return the blanket and not just the sheets. He will now In other words, you postpone your final determi- Cézanne and Camille Pissarro, but he wielded a have to wash an extra piece of linen. I am too dumbfounded to answer at first. Then I explain again nation until you gather more information and rip- big influence on them both. His career developed about the bug and show him my arm. He shakes his head again. The logic is too much for him. en your understanding of the pressing issues. And slowly because he had to work a day job to earn a that could indeed involve getting a good night’s living. When he was 50 years old, he won a wad Yet a few weeks later, this hotel being the only one in the city without excess hair and bugs, I return for sleep. What happens in your dreams may reveal of free money in the national lottery, and thereaf- more punishment. Asking for a few small hand-rags is met with wide eyes and disapproval. A few? He nuances you can’t pry loose with your waking ter devoted himself full-time to painting. I’m not says. They cost money to wash, he says. He will give me two, he says. I want to tell him that technically consciousness alone. And even if you don’t recall saying you will enjoy a windfall like that anytime two rags are only one short of a few rags, but I hold back. Later, I begin to ask his wife something and your dreams, your sleeping mind is busy process- soon, Aquarius, but such an event is possible. At notice she’s shaking her head almost, but not quite, imperceptibly back and forth in the ‘No’ direction. ing and reworking the possibilities. I recommend the very least, your income could rise. Your odds I haven’t even asked my question yet, but the answer is already no, her brow wrinkled in distrust and that you make liberal use of the “sleep on it” ap- of experiencing financial luck will increase to the proactive irritation. proach in the coming weeks, Leo. Revel in the degree that you work to improve the best gifts you wisdom that wells up in you as you’re lying down have to offer your fellow humans. I strike up a conversation with the owner/husband later and find out that there was once a guy who was in the dark. working down here like me. He lived in the hotel for some time. A few years. More than two. And then PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): “It isn’t normal to he had medical problems and died. I think of the smell in my room when I awoke the other night. Now VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): In 1962, Edward Al- know what we want,” said pioneering psycholo- it takes me a little longer to go to sleep in that room. bee published his play Who’s Afraid of Virginia gist Abraham Maslow. “It is a rare and difficult Woolf? It won numerous awards and is still per- psychological achievement.” That’s the bad news, My goal: To find a hotel not run by crazy people and infested with insects and ghosts. Do they exist? formed by modern theater groups. Albee says the Pisces. The good news is that you may be on the title came to him as he was having a beer at a verge of rendering that theory irrelevant. In the bar in New York City. When he went to the rest- coming weeks, you will be better primed to dis- room, he spied the words “Who’s Afraid of Vir- cover what you really want than you have been ginia Woolf?” scrawled in soap on the mirror. I in a long time. I suggest you do a ritual in which urge you to be alert for that kind of inspiration you vow to unmask this treasured secret. Write a in the coming days, Virgo: unexpected, provoca- formal statement in which you declare your inten- tive, and out of context. You never know when tion to achieve full understanding of the reasons and where you may be furnished with clues about you are alive on this planet. the next plot twist of your life story. Homework: Where in your life do you push hard- LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Edward III, a medi- er than is healthy? Where do you not push hard eval English king, had a favorite poet: Geoffrey enough? Testify at FreeWillAstrology.com. Chaucer. In 1374, the king promised Chaucer a big gift in appreciation for his talents: a gallon of wine every day for the rest of his life. That’s

THE VALLEY PLANET #021915031115 VOLUME 13 ISSUE 3 WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM 15 Sunday, March 8 March 13 - 15 The Huntsville Museum of Art will have Art Comes How NOT to Commit a Murder will be at the Historic to Life with Randolph School Theatre at 2pm. www. Lowry House at 7:30pm. $10. 256-489-9200. hsvmuseum.org. The Rocket City Latin Fest will be at the University The Huntsville-Madison County Historical Society of Alabama in Huntsville. will meet at 2 pm, at the Huntsville-Madison Library www.therocketcitylatinfestival.com. Free. 256- 509-3940. Friday, March 13 The Spelman Jazz Ensemble Concert, sponsored by DIY Home Cleaning Products will be in the T-nT the Huntsville Alumnae Chapter of National Alumnae Treasures Studio 261 of the Flying Monkey from 6 - Association of Spelman College, will be at the Marriott 7:30pm. 412-378-6896, www.flyingmonkeyarts.org. Hotel at 5pm. www.huntsvilleurbannetwork.com. There will be a concert: Hermitage Piano Trio at Trinity United Methodist Church at 7:30pm. 256- Monday, March 9 489-7415. The Elk River Canoe and Kayak Trail Cleanup Buck Island Boat Ramp will be today. 256-233-8728, Saturday, March 14 [email protected]. The 38th Annual Ellen McAnelly Memorial St. Patrick’s Day Parade will be in Downtown Huntsville Tuesday, March 10 at 11:30 am. www.huntsvillestpatricksday.com. The ABC’s of Domestic Violence Class will be at the Center for Lifelong Learning 121 South Marion EarlyWorks Children’s Museum will have a Book Street, Athens. $30. 256-233-8185, www.myathens. Swap the first Saturday of every month in the lobby net/web/abcs-domestic-violence. from 10 am- 2pm. For every two books you bring you get to pick out and take one new book home. Free. Paul’s Letters to the Philippians Class will be at the www.earlyworks.com. Center for Lifelong Learning Conference Room, 121 South Marion Street, Athens from 6:30 - 8pm. $10. The Great Cross Country Race Family Fun Day & 5K athens.edu/cll/personal-interest. will be at Fantasy Playhouse from 7:30pm - noon. www.letthemagicbegin.org. There will be a Lunch ‘n’ Learn Workshop on Vegetables: “Time to Start a Vegetable Garden, The Ardmore Shamrock Shuffle Race 5K Run and Seeds, and Buying Plants,” at Dublin Park from 1 Mile Fun Run/ Walk will be at the First Baptist 11:30am - 12:30pm. Free. www.mginfo.org. Church in Ardmore. www.ardmoreshamrockshuffle.com. Wednesday, March 11 The Business of Art will be from 12:30 - 1:30pm in There will be a St. Patrick’s Day Party with live music Classroom 2008 of Lowe Mill., $20. by Slip Jig and Bourbon & Shamrocks, food trucks www.lowemill.net. and performances by local Irish dancers, season beer release at Straight to Ale. www.straighttoale.com. Alabama Arts Advocacy Day! Show Alabama’s policy makers that the arts matter to the citizens of the state, The Athens Home and Garden Show will be at the and to elicit active support for arts funding across the Greater Limestone County Chamber of Commerce at state at Embassy Suites in Montgomery. the Limestone County Event Center on 114 West www.alaae.org. Pryor Street in Athens. 256-232-2600. Kellye McCormick, Owner March 11 - 22 International Drone Day will be at the Rocket City UAH Theatre presents “A Midsummer Night’s Dream,” RC Airfield on Leeman Ferry Road from 9am - 5pm. Master Esthetician in Chan Auditorium on the UAH Campus. $15. 256- Free. 256- 541-4254. 824-6871, www.edu/theatre. Licensed Barber The Strauss Connection will be at the VBC Concert Thursday, March 12 Hall at 7:30pm. 256-539-4818. The TN Valley Civil War Round Table will have Dr. Glenn LaFantasie of Western Kentucky University, The Huntsville Bead Society will meet the 2nd “Gettysburg Requiem: The Life and Lost Causes of Saturday of the month at the Crestwood Women’s Melissa Steelman Confederate Colonel William. Oates”, at 6:30pm at the Center on 185 Chateau Drive at 10am. facebook- Elks Lodge, 725 Franklin St, Huntsville. huntsville bead society. Master Hair Design Color Specialist Free. www.tvcwrt.com. The Huntsville Symphony Orchestra will have Opus The North Alabama NSBE Professionals Scholarship Tadpole at 10:15am at the VBC Concert Hall. Free. Program will be at Lockhead Martin at 6pm. www. www.hso.org. huntsvilleurbannetwork.com. Lesley Williams Sunday, March 15 March 12 – 14 The Huntsville Museum of Art will have the opening Color Specialist, Hair Stylist The Sparkman Drama presents Cinderella at the VBC of YAM 2015: Exhibition for Youth Art Month.www. *20% First Visit with Lesl Playhouse. $10 - $20. www.sparkmandrama.com. hsvmuseum.org. March 12 - 15 Tarzan the Stage Musical will be at Grissom High THE END! School Auditorium at 7:30pm and on Sundays at 2pm. www.grissomtheatre.org. Unleash Your Inner Awesomeness ave you ever had an interest in video games and/or comic books? HDid you ever have a character that you felt connected with? Greg Stargell is currently in the process of developing a comic book/video game series with a main hero that he has developed called Da Spokesman. The story is divided into four segments including Minor League, Major League, International League, and Galactic League. With each segment, Da Spokesman progresses as he grows into the understanding of his life transitions, his powers, and most importantly himself.

events cont. from pg. 16 Club Avenue in Huntsville. $5. www.tvjs.com, 256- Greg said, “I have a professional background, but in this venture I wanted to do something more 604-8172. than just audios, videos, and seminars. As a fan of comic books and video games, I have developed The Junior League American Girl Fashion Show will Da Spokesman And The Awesomeness League as an avenue to reach a familiar audience, to provide be at the VBC East Hall. There will be a Kite Festival at John Hunt Park and inspiration, to provide entertainment, and to help people unleash their inner awesomeness at the same https://www.jlhuntsville.com. Jaycees Building from 10am - 3pm. Free. 256-508- 5198. time. I absolutely believe that through this series we have achieved these goals and so much more. The Building Home & Remodeling Show will be I also believe the audience would be able to relate to one or more of the characters as the storyline at the VBC Friday 1 - 8pm, Saturday 9am - 7pm and Can’t Afford Cable Presents: Clockwork Comedy at progresses.” Sunday 11am - 5pm. 8pm at Prototype Multimedia in Lowe Mill. www. www.buildinghomeandremodelingshow.com. lowemill.net. Da Spokesman And The Awesomeness League is currently in development of the third installment of Sunday, March 7 The Learn to Read Corporate Spelling Bee will be at the game, International League. The first two games, Minor League and Major League, are now avail- The DIY Mineral Make-up Class will be from 10am 10am in the Athens High School Cafeteria. Team fee is able to the public. - 12:30pm in T-n-T Treasures Studio 261 of the Flying $300 and benefits Learn to Read programs. Spectators Monkey Arts. $65. www.flyingmonkeyarts.org. Free. 256-230-3050. When asked what are some future plans for Da Spokesman And The Awesomeness League, Greg said, LIT (Light + Innovation + Technology) will be at the There will be a Contra Dance in the gym of Faith “I plan on starting a crowd funding campaign to raise money for the expansion into the mobile gaming Downtown Huntsville Square, from 7 - 10pm. Presbyterian Church with live music by Turnip arena and depending on how much is raised, may go into the animation arena as well.” www.artshuntsville.org/news/lit-li the Beet and calling by Jane Ewing. 7:30 - 10:30pm. Lessons begin at 7pm. $8 and $6 for students. 256- The Huntsville Museum GALA Silent Auction and 837-0656, http://www.secontra.com. Greg is an active person in the Huntsville community. He is an alumnus of Alabama A&M University Cocktail Party will be Friday night at 7pm. where he acquired his Bachelors and PhD in Physics. He also holds a Masters Degree in Mechanical www.hsvmuseum.org. Hooping with Chrisha will be from 1 - 3:30pm in the Engineering from Iowa State University. In his spare time, Greg enjoys Salsa Dancing and doing co- Flying Monkey Theatre. $15. medic performances under the stage name, Greg “Da Spokesman” Stargell. Alabama A&M University WJAB 90.9, Tennessee Valley www.flyingmonkeyarts.org. Jazz Society, Focus Live Martini Bar & Grill present Talking All That Jazz with The Tennessee Valley Jazz There will be a Read-A-Thon from 10am - 5pm at the Check out Da Spokesman And The Awesomeness League and unleash your inner awesomeness! All-Stars “House Band” from 4 - 7pm at 2020 Country Monrovia Branch Library. 256-489-3392, www.hmcpl.org. For more information, go to http://awesomenessleague.com/daspokesman.

16 WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM #021915031115 VOLUME 13 ISSUE 3 THE VALLEY PLANET Jennifer: Good thing I have a smartphone, in cial thank you to all that voted for me! It this fast changing industry every bartender gets is a great honor and privilege to be voted Best Bartender in the Tennessee stumped at some point or another. #1 bartender in The Valley Planet’s BOTV!

Valley? Diamond’s Sportsbar’s VP: What is your favorite drink? And, have you VP: Anything else you would like to say? concocted your own special drink (s)? Jennifer: Thank you Huntsville! Thank you Val- Jennifer: There are several but to keep it rated ley Planet! And thank you Diamonds!! Xoxo, Jen Jennifer Peters! PG - banana split. That is one of our “in house” Jen n case you didn’t know, Dear Reader…our Best of the Val- concoctions… if you want to know what it is come ley Readers’ Poll results were announced in the last issue! see me and find out! Diamond’s Sportsbar & Grill racked up in this The votes were tallied and…you voted Jennifer Peters as the year’s Poll: I VP: What was your “best day ever” as a bartend- 1st Best Bartender in the Valley! So…we thought we would ask her Best Bartender: Jennifer Peters a few things for those of you who do not know her, yet! er? 1st Best Place for a Shot Jennifer: My customers, my boss, and my fellow 1st Best Place to Shoot Pool VP: How long have you tended bar? And where all have you employees pulled of a SURPRISE birthday party 2nd Best Bar Overall been a bartender? for me! I can’t believe no one let the cat out of the 3rd Best Place to Pig Out Jennifer: I have bartended for 15 years all of which have been bag. What an AWESOME day! 3rd Best Late-Nite Grub at Diamonds! 3rd Best Sunday Brunch VP: When do you bartend? VP: What is your favorite thing about your job? Jennifer: You can catch me at Diamonds Tuesday Congratulations Jen Jen & Everyone at Dia- Jennifer: I love my job for many reasons but the first two that thru Friday and other special occasions. mond’s! Always a pleasure to see a local small come to mind are: a great clientele and co-workers that are business shine! awesome to work with. Diamonds is like one big family! VP: What do you do in your off time? Jennifer: What is off time...? When I am not busy VP: Can you do any bartender “tricks” like you see on TV and in the movies? at work I am busy at home. Jennifer: I do not do any “flair” bartending, I save that for the nighttime bartenders! VP: What would you like to say to the people who VP: Has a customer ever stumped you on a drink that you didn’t know how to make? If so, what was voted you as number 1? it? Jennifer: I would like to give a very spe-

NewLit – Good New Stuff To Read Either way, it is a fun read and answers again the aming The Beast” (The Untold old question “What do you have when you give Story Of Mike Tyson) by Rory Hol- an idiot a million dollars?” The answer is: a mil- “Tlaway (with Eric Wilson) lion dollar idiot. (Review by Ricky Thomason) * * * All who thought Mike Tyson “Land O’ Goshen” by: couldn’t even read a book, much Charles McNair. less write one (Undisputed Truth) Alabama author Charles Mc- had to be surprised, and many did Nair must have had a crystal dispute Tyson’s “truth.” ball when he wrote this book in e must pay attention to the quantum wood when she pointed to the boat and asked in 1994. If he did, it was a darned physics of words. her most hysterically audacious “faux southern Rory Hollaway was chief among good one. “Land o’ Goshen” W drawl”: them. Hollaway was one of four tells the tales of a future time We live in a galaxy of words. Some we do not people who took care of Tyson dur- when religious fundamentalists and cannot ever comprehend, anymore than we Miss Bonnie, is that the Holy Bassinette in which ing his early years. Make no mis- wage a brutal civil war with all can fully comprehend a distant nebula. you will ascend? take. Mikey needed a keeper more whose beliefs are not the same than his pet tiger. I wonder if the as theirs. The rest of the sin- At a department store tonight, I said the strangest Beth and I still laugh over the memory of the Holy tiger taught Tyson the correct meth- ners, all other churches and de- words: “I can’t find my lamp.” I had acciden- Bassinette. Only I could have painted a boat that od to use when he bit off Evander nominations are doomed as the tally left the pewter lamp base in a bag at the cash resembled a bassinette. Especially a holy one! Holyfield’s ear. fundies seek control of the very register. More importantly, only Beth Norwood could have fabric of our political system. conceived of such an idea, such words, which In Hollaway’s version of the truth Those words I uttered, receipt in hand, in quiet took me on a quantum leap of the imagination. he took care of everything for the Does any part of this sound fa- desperation that I would not find my lamp, or that champ including managing his pre-fight training miliar to you? McNair must have had a time ma- someone had accidentally picked up the deserted “I can’t find my lamp” and “the Holy Bassinette” to making deals extricating him from wife Robin chine and visited America in this day and age. bag with their own. revealed that the future is infinite in possibilities, Givens and her gold digging mother to handling McNair can hold his own with other great Ameri- of which I cannot even dream. This learning is things with Don King. He also spills all about Ty- can writers from any day and age, Mark Twain, When I was a child, I did not know I would ever either positive or negative, depending upon which son’s sex addiction, his comically horrible driv- Joel Chandler Harris, Truman Capote, Toni Mor- say, “I can’t find my lamp.” Who the heck would nebula I might someday visit and say something ing, and his wild man approach to life. rison, Ken and Ken Kesey to name a few. “lose” a lamp? Of course, I never even asked that I cannot imagine saying now, such as “I can’t question, which would have been a completely breathe very well for all the stardust whirling in Tyson was like a kid in a candy Author Fannie Flagg calls “Land impossible and absurd thing for me to say--until this nebula.” store when he found he had the O’ Goshen” a “psycho-political tonight. money to blow on an endless parade thriller.” And I will vaguely remember the first time I ever of hookers. The words I said tonight--”I can’t find my lamp”- said, “I can’t find my lamp”- and was astounded. It is set in Alabama where all psy- -chipped away even more of my childhood inno- But not nearly as much as I would be upon finding Hollaway found his job increas- chos come to run for office and cence that I lost long ago. myself in a nebula of which I had never dreamed, ingly more difficult as Tyson spun get elected by a group of voters and floating along in a “Holy Bassinette.” more and more out of control. After with IQs somewhere below the The shocking revelation of “I can’t find lamp” is fifteen years of friendship, Tyson temperature of lukewarm tea. that I never even dreamed of saying such a thing. We must imagine words we might want to say fired him and moved closer and Therefore, it seems we are surrounded by thou- someday - to create a vision of the future expan- closer to Don King, not exactly the LOG is funny, but also sad be- sands upon thousands of expressions that we DO sion of our inner selves, such as “I accept my- most trustworthy guy to have his cause the future is now. (Review NOT KNOW we will ever say. This knowledge self,” “I accept others,” and “I am not afraid.” For paws on your purse strings. by Ricky Thomason) has made the world a more unstable, volatile, but some of us, those could be the greatest quantum * * * fascinating, place to be. leaps of all. Someone in Tyson’s ear told him Hollaway was “Gone Girl” by Gillian Flynn pretty much the cause of all his problems. Be- Nick and Amy are about to celebrate their fifth Who knows what I might say in the future? “I As a footnote, I don’t expect to travel through a sides, the new management had an endless supply wedding anniversary when Amy disappears. can’t find my glass eye.” “I love you.” “I think nebula, except in my imagination, but what an of the best drugs as well a long queue of the best When a search does not find Amy, the police look the lost murder weapon is sticking in my back.” amazing journey that would be. Because I am hookers money could buy. at the husband. Nick has a lot of secrets and he “Here comes the meteor!” “Children no longer now spoiled for the idea of “the Holy Bassinette,” lies a lot. starve.” “Please repair the dent in my Porsche.” that, too, would be a vital part of my imagination Hollaway sounds bitter, and who could blame him journey, as I attempt to create more inner beauty, if things happened the way he said it did. But could he kill his beautiful charming wife? I regret that I destroyed a “painting” of mine more laughter, and the sense of infinite possibili- “Gone Girl” is fast paced and takes a lot of twists in which I had made an effort to portray a tree ties. One gets the feeling that “Taming The Beast and turns. It keeps you guessing. house that my father had supposedly built me at “smells a whole lot like a man playing big time the seashore. I had painted the “semblance of a Tonight at the department store, I did find my defense. The real truth probably lies somewhere You are not going to want to put this book down. boat”- secured to the side of the tree house by a lamp - though I never thought I would say those in between Tyson’s book and Hollaway’s tell all. (Review by: Lisa Gray Thomason) “semblance of a boatlift.” words, either.

The ultimate beauty of that painting was the com- ment made by my dear friend Miss Beth Nor-

THE VALLEY PLANET #021915031115 VOLUME 13 ISSUE 3 WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM 17 Send in your random encounters today. It’s FREE!! We are putting all the categories together since it seems like there are always more jeers than any- thing else!! But just to give you an idea of what the To Yuno from Yunohoos are about… I Saw you: but you didn’t catch my name, You saw me or you think you were seen: Cheers: Pay your respect to those who deserve it and of course Jeers: Frustrated? Tell us all about it. Thankfully, we don’t know who you are! To send in your FREE ad 1. Keep your word limit to 40 words. No names, just initials if you want. The Valley Planet Music Exchange is FREE to any individual (not businesses) looking to 2. Meet the deadline. buy, sell, trade or find bandmates. You get a headline and 3 lines of text for FREE! 3. Get it to us: Put “To Yuno from Yunohoo” in the subject line of the email and send to classifieds@ Please call (256) 533-4613 or valleyplanet.com. email your ads to [email protected]. Dave – Please stop telling everyone I don’t like you anymore. That is a lie. I never did like you. You. Multi-inst’ist/vocalist seeks guitarist/harmonicist/singer Leslie model 900 speaker w/Combo preamp. Very good named Danny, 65, from Madison. Call/text Joe at condition-320 watts, 2 piece Leslie. JBL loaded. Will blister (Ed note: Your wish has been granted. Marley has a column in this issue of the VP. Enjoy) 256-617-1395. the paint on the wall.. $2000. Call Mike @ 256-347-2950 and please leave contact info. Guitarist/Keyboardist/Singer seeks another guitarist R&S – I overheard you guys saying “Wish I could do that” when you saw Sugar Bear cleaning himself: and/or keyboardist, as well as a bassist who’s quick on the Serious musician with experience playing in professional Don’t let me catch you licking on my dog.” Craw uptake. Ideally, should sing (well). Have drummer. For bands seeks band/musicians for cover act. Plays guitar, bass, multiple different projects: Wedding/corporate gig band banjo, and sings. Call Alex at 334-268-7403. D – Which is better, DD or K K? If you said D you just proved you like frozen donuts better than freshly (covers, ‘60s-‘10s); jazz/blues/fusion; originals in ALL styles. Call/text Joe at 256-617-1395. Fender Squire Bronco Bass and Line 6 Tone Port UX2 made ones. Nine out of ten cops prefer KK, and they can’t be wrong. Mgr for sale. Bass is great for backup, beginner, or practice Speaker For Sale, Used 50 inch tall, 25 inch wide and 16 bass. $150 OBO. $75 for Tone Port. Includes USB cord. No J, Are you really gonna do that at the MardiGras Parade? I guess half the peeps will like it…F inch deep. Black with wheels. $110. 256 606-5152, Decatur. Software. 256-431-5130

Looking for a music comedy side kick. I change words in Club lighting system used in home studio for recording I have an Epic question: can one of you barefooted jokers tell me what possible reason or right a church songs but, I need a guitar player or Keys. call Fred and performances. 7 different lights. Package includes the has to run credit checks on its members? Epicurious 256-653-3503 lights and an 8 channel control system. Various quality instruments for sale as well. Rick 256-425-4992. Okay, Brit Twit, tell me why everything is “bloody” this or “bloody that” in England? A bloody Yank 15” Hartke Transporter Bass Guitar Cabinet for Sale. Comes with Eminence Alpha A-15 speaker inside. Large Epiphone Wildkat Electric Guitar. Buff Colored Hollow enough to play with a loud band but light enough for body Archtop Brand new condition! All set up & ready Happy Valentines Pixie! I love you anyway…J convenient transport. $150 256 431-5130 to play! Includes case, tooled leather strap and ‘Pignose’ practice amp. All this for $600, firm. Serious inquiries only. Marley the Cat is our new hero. Last issue’s column left no doubt in anyone’s mind that Jackson Galaxy Charvel Model One, made in Japan Mid 80’s. One Text me at (256) 457-9204 Humbucker, one volume knob, Rock Maple neck, Glossy Red has truly met his cat from hell. Marley needs her own fan club and Facebook account. VP fans. finish, Spring fulcrum Trem, Charvel Hardshell Case,Simple, TAMA Starclassic Bubinga 7 pc. Drum Set (magnetic Classy, Hard to find in Very good Condition, Serious Only $325 orange) with hard cases, plus 10 piece set of Paiste LGT – You better, you better, you bet. Who, me? call Mark 256-722-9250 Signature cymbals with TAMA stands and pro touring case. All professional equipment in excellent condition. $2,950. Call Steve at: 256-771-3385. Blue Jean – You’re going to wish you had taken a flu shot. Despite what you believe, there isn’t a con- spiracy behind every tree and the gov’t isn’t out to poison the whole community. Disappointed friend.

So, I broke my own rule and I made the mistake So proud to be the mother of my “just married” gay son! CD The Single Guy: of inviting the kid along on the date, which was mistake number 2! I thought “I will look like the Can anyone besides an NBA player that cannot lie tell me what’s so appealing about Kim K’s Banjo cool great guy who invites the kid,” Nope! In- butt? Last time I saw an arse that big it was on buffalo. Wondering Communi-Date stead, I looked like the nice guy who will help by Aaron Hurd entertain the kid so mom can have a night out Does your unvaccinated kid have the measles? Enjoy – and thanks for spreading the disease and expos- while she texts the whole time. Yes, she was on ing the responsible parents’ progeny while you are at it. The rest of the herd “Just Friends” her phone most of the date while I was “playing house” with the kid. t doesn’t matter how old you are that phrase is Idiot driver on Greene St: You cannot do a u-turn from the right lane, across the left lane and into the parking lot without getting more than a WTH! Yes, I am the one who barely missed your stupid self! never easy to swallow when you’re pursuing Mistake #3 I asked her out for a second date (in someone you feel could possibly be something I my defense - she is hot!) and more signs she was You have to have a license to have a dog but any two fools can have a baby. Go figure. Too bad abortion and they drop that famous line on you! You know not interested popped up. I even felt the famous can’t be performed retroactively. My choice – not yours. MYOB the one, “I was hoping we can just be friends” or knot in my stomach which tells me, Aaron what “I like you just as a friend.” I wish there was a the hell are you doing? She is not into you; she How does one get a job manicuring camels’ toenails? Job Seeker better phrase than those stupid two words (Just has a kid, run! Friends). To make it worse is when someone tries to sugar coat it with “I just want to be friends, but L- I knew you were addicted to that iPhone when you were texting while we were sexing. R Just to re-assure myself that she is not for me, if you don’t, I understand.” Let’s be real, what this I texted her that night for a third date just to be REALLY means is, “If you want to be friends, To the late and much missed Melinda: You immortalized yourself with the words, “Get off me! My sure I had no chance. Yes, I like torture! And brownies are burning.” cool, but I would rather not be friends with you… more than 24 hours later, I got the famous “Just so please just move on!” friends” reply and more. Here is what I got back JD, Let’s divorce on Valentines since that is when we married 20 yrs ago. Really. YuNoHoo word for word “I was hoping we can be friends. I So why do I bring this up? Because, yep-you was interested in someone a few months ago and guessed it - it happened to me. What makes it sat on that just due to timing. He is waiting for me worse is I got this from a forty-one year old wom- when I am ready. Would you be interested in just a an. I can understand getting this from a twenty- friendship? I understand if the answer is no.” I so something female, but it just sounds wrong and wanted to text back “Well, he sounds more patient immature coming from an older woman. Look I than me, good luck!” and the old me would have! got dissed, yes it hurt my ego, but it also made me I was civil and wrote back “yes, of course.” But realize how stupid those two words sound when man -I should have gone with my gut reaction. you’re turning someone down. Let me tell you my story and break it down for you. First of all, why do I need to hear about a guy who is “Waiting for you!?” And why in the world Mistake #1 - This woman was forty one, had a are you wasting time with me if your mind is set three year old kid with a guy, left him and has an on someone else? Truth be told, she is probably “waiting” for her and I have a dog at home waiting for me. So maybe she does have more options. Just ex-husband, who I think she’s trying to get back waiting for him and I was a distraction. The prob- glad I got off the train (ok, pushed off the train), but I sure did learn a few lessons - the biggest being… with and she is gorgeous! Now, if you read any of lem I created is inviting the kid and never giving never say “I just want to be friends” and if I do use that phrase, never belittle it with an “if you do not my past articles, you know I usually do not go out myself a one on one chance with her. I never had want to be friends - I understand.” That is one cocky stuck up way of turning someone down. Hope the with single mothers, just because it usually comes a chance to be me when a three year old in my dude who is “waiting” for her knows what he is getting into - or maybe he is the smartest guy in the with a lot of drama and baggage not so much the presence, and once again the good, nice guy game world waiting for the kid to turn 18 and move out, and for her to grow up. If so, I need advice from him! kid, but the ex-drama is what I have a problem never ends with a happy ending. with. And when they have a kid, that ex is usually Have you gotten the “Just Friends” turn down, did it work out as friends or ruin things? Have you used somehow always still in the picture. Who wants I made mistakes, I tried and failed, but my options the phrase yourself, does it bother you when you get the “if not I understand” piggy back to it? Email that? I know I certainly don’t. are a lot bigger than a forty one year old with a me [email protected]. kid. However, she apparently has a line of guys

18 WWW.VALLEYPLANET.COM #021915031115 VOLUME 13 ISSUE 3 THE VALLEY PLANET Report: Media Quick Pro le Bases: Adults Age 18+ Base Population: 784,215 Media Persons: 50,444

26.1% 25.1% 24.3%

18.7% 17.4%

14.1% 13% 13.4% 11.7%

Age Analysis (Cume) Analysis Age Annual Income (Cume) 8.5% 7.3% 5.9% 5.8% 5.5% 3.3% 25-34 35-44 45-49 50-54 55-64 65-74 75+ 75+ <15K 15K- 25K 25K-35K 35K-50K 50K-75K 75K-100K 100K-150K 150K+

Gender Pro le (Cume) Education Ethnicity Pro le (Cume) 51.8% 6.3% Pro le (Cume) 2.2% 48.2%

ADVANCED DEGREE 13.6% 22% OTHER COLLEGE DEGREE 13.7% BLACK 11.7% SOME COLLEGE WHITE H.S. GRADUATE 46.3% 84.3% H.S. OR LESS MALE FEMALE

Audience Pro le (Cume) Total Income: $3,834,166,750 Mean Income: $76,009 Mean Age: 48 Home Owners: 91% Mean Home Value: $196,832 Mean Miles Past Week: 234

Based on The Media Audit: Huntsville Apr-Jun 2013

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