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With special thanks to Jaym, Chris & Jessi, and David & Christine. Acknowledgements Salvo 1 was not originally published in Th e New Yorker Salvo 7 was not originally published in Th e Paris Review Salvo 13 was not originally published in Th e Christian Science Monitor Salvo 19 was not originally published in Playboy Salvo 31 was not originally published in Th e Atlantic Salvo 44 was not originally published in Th e Nation Salvo 68 was not originally published in Maxim A Note From the Publisher: No Korans were harmed in the creation of this book. A Note From the Author: Every Koran was harmed in the creation of this book. New Mosque City © 2010 by John Edward Lawson Th is work is registered under the Creative Commons license, meaning it can be shared, transmitted, and copied free of charge so long as the author is credited with an attribution. All other rights are retained by the author. If you are interested in commercial rights including but not limited to adaptation for fi lm, stage, or television, please visit www.johnlawson.org for contact information. First Edition Book design: M. Garrow Bourke Printed in the United States of Electronica www.JohnLawson.org New MOSQUE City a novel John Edward Lawson Also by John Edward Lawson Novels Last Burn in Hell (Picaresque Book 1) Collections Discouraging at Best Pocket Full of Loose Razorblades Poetry SuiPsalms Th e Troublesome Amputee Th e Plague Factory Illustrated Books A Child’s Guide to Prison A Child’s Guide to Death As Editor Tempting Disaster Sick: An Anthology of Illness Of Flesh and Hunger: Tales of the Ultimate Taboo Take me down to the New Mosque City Where the goats are green and the burqas are pretty Oh won’t you please take me home… yea-ee-aahhh —Tanks ’n Pansies, “New Mosque City” Praise! “We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren’t punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top offi cers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. Th at’s war. And this is war…Not all Muslims may be terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslims… Being nice to people is, in fact, one of the incidental tenets of Christianity, as opposed to other religions whose tenets are more along the lines of ‘kill everyone who doesn’t smell bad and doesn’t answer to the name Mohammed.’” —Ann Coulter, author of Godless: Th e Church of Liberalism “I never liked you anyway, pretty motherfucka!” —Nino Brown, New Jack City “Th ey would have us believe that Islam is just as good as Christianity. Christianity was founded by the virgin-born son of God, Jesus Christ. Islam was founded by Muhammad, a demon-possessed pedophile who had 12 wives, the last one of which was a nine-year-old girl.” —Jerry Vines, Southern Baptist Convention “What ever happened to ‘I am my brother’s keeper?’” —Nino Brown, New Jack City “Th e long-term goal of Christians in politics should be to gain exclusive control over the franchise. Th ose who refuse to submit publicly to the eternal sanctions of God by submitting to His Church’s public marks of the covenant—baptism and holy communion—must be denied citizenship.” —Gary North, author of Foundations of Christian Scholarship “Yo baby, we talkin’ about combinating and consolidating, that’s what’s up!” —Nino Brown, New Jack City “Th e Bible says we are to be salt and light. And salt and light means not just in the church and not just as a teacher or as a pastor or a banker or a lawyer, but in government and we have to have elected offi cials in government and we have to have the faithful in government and over time, that lie we have been told, the separation of church and state, people have internalized, thinking that they needed to avoid politics and that is so wrong because God is the one who chooses our rulers…If you are not electing Christians, tried and true, under public scrutiny and pressure, if you’re not electing Christians then in essence you are going to legislate sin. Th ey can legislate sin. Th ey can say that abortion is all right. Th ey can vote to sustain gay marriage. And that will take western civilization, indeed other nations because people look to our country as one nation as under God and whenever we legislate sin and we say abortion is permissible and we say gay unions are permissible, then average citizens who are not Christians, because they don’t know better, we are leading them astray and it’s wrong.” —Katherine Harris, decider of the 2000 Presidential Election “Relax, you’ll be great. A-number-one. You’re the best man for this job. You’re a fuckin’ genius.” —Peretti, New Jack City “When the Christian majority takes over this country, there will be no satanic churches, no more free distribution of pornography, no more talk of rights for homosexuals. Aft er the Christian majority takes control, pluralism will be seen as immoral and evil and the state will not permit anybody the right to practice evil.” —Gary Potter, Catholics for Christian Political Action “Would you please shut the fuck up before you have a seizure!” —G-Money, New Jack City “I want you to just let a wave of intolerance wash over. I want you to let a wave of hatred wash over you. Yes, hate is good…Our goal is a Christian nation. We have a biblical duty, we are called by God to conquer this country. We don’t want equal time. We don’t want pluralism…Our goal must be simple. We must have a Christian nation built on God’s law, on the ten Commandments…When I, or people like me, are running the country, you’d better fl ee, because we will fi nd you, we will try you, and we’ll execute you. I mean every word of it. I will make it part of my mission to see to it that they are tried and executed.” —Randall Terry, author of Accessory to Murder: Th e Enemies, Allies, and Accomplices to the Death of Our Culture “I wanna shoot you so bad my dick’s hard!” —Scotty Appleton, New Jack City “As the church watches from the sidelines, the ungodly elect atheists and homosexuals to school boards and legislatures to enact policies and laws that destroy our Christian children and discriminate against Christian families… Atheistic secular humanists should be removed from offi ce and Christians should be elected…Government and true Christianity are inseparable.” —Robert Simonds, Citizens for Excellence in Education “You’re incapable of running this shit.” —Nino Brown, New Jack City “Go back to what our founders and our founding documents meant—they’re quite clear—that we would create law based on the God of the Bible and the Ten Commandments.” —Governor Sarah Palin “You used to be a prom queen? Now you ain’t nothin’ but a prom fi end! Look at you now. Look at you!” —Pookie, New Jack City “Anybody that believes in separation of church and state needs to leave right now.” —Star Parker, Coalition on Urban Renewal & Education “Cancel that bitch! I’ll buy a new one!” —Nino Brown, New Jack City “Our culture is superior because our religion is Christianity…Th ere were no politics to polarize us then, to magnify every slight. Th e ‘negroes’ of Washington had their public schools, restaurants, bars, movie houses, playgrounds and churches; and we had ours…Rail as they will about ‘discrimination,’ women are simply not endowed by nature with the same measures of single-minded ambition and the will to succeed in the fi ercely competitive world of Western capitalism.” —Pat Buchanan, author of State of Emergency: Th e Th ird World Invasion and Conquest of America “Fucking Cain. My brother’s keeper. What is this glass dick you’ve been sucking on?” —Nino Brown, New Jack City “I’m an old-fashioned woman. Men should take care of women, and if men were taking care of women today, we wouldn’t have to vote.” —Kay O’Connor, Kansas Senate Republican “Th at fucking skeezer? You think I give a fuck about her? Fuck that ho bitch! I don’t give a fuck about her!” —Nino Brown, New Jack City “Th e demise of our community and culture is the fault of sissifi ed men who have been overly infl uenced by women.” —Tony Evans, Promise Keepers “Th at curry-goat eatin’ skinny-ass!” —Nino Brown, New Jack City “We are engaged in a social, political, and cultural war. Th ere’s a lot of talk in America about pluralism. But the bottom line is somebody’s values will prevail. And the winner gets the right to teach our children what to believe.” —Gary L. Bauer, author of Doing Th ings Right “Look man, I don’t know about all that ‘change the world’ shit, but what I do know, is that they be going crazy over this, man! I’m tellin’ you! And the bitches? Oh, Lord! Th e bitches! Yo! Th ey do anything for this, man! Yo, I had my jimmy waxed every day last week, ya understand?! Several times a day!” —G-Money, New Jack City “Th ey’re 12 percent of the population. Who the hell cares?…[Obama the Magic Negro is] a halfrican American…an affi rmative action candidate…Obama is more African in his roots than he is American and is behaving like an African colonial despot…Obama is an angry black guy.” —Rush Limbaugh, angry white guy “Sit your fi ve-dollar ass down before I make change.” —Nino Brown, New Jack City “Just from what little I’ve seen of her and Mr.