More of the10th prettiest and 12th hottest Attainable Women inside!!!

A ttainableWoman

Location, Location, Location *Where to fi nd Your AW. She’s A Keeper! * What makes her AWWorthy? First Moves *Asking her out, before He does.

AWWorthy Team 2006: Jenna Fischer of NBC’s The Offi ce * The Slan 2 t OTHERNEWS The Slant - www.theslant.net - November 16, 2005

Garnier Fructis Frank Perry dismissed foul play, stating, organization. Because of the continued Long And Strong “We’re really not that surprised.” Perry insolence Owens has shown towards them, Mistakenly Applied continued, “He locked himself in his room the Eagles front office has suspended him To Genitals and played World of Warcraft all day long. for four games. Owens hastily apologized Vanderbilt Senior Nowadays, it seems that Darwin is winning for his actions, but is now reconsidering his Lauren Thorton awoke out over these kids who stay in their singles apology. In a press conference yesterday, in horror the other day all day.” Walter’s floor mates could not be Owens stated, “I wish to apologize to all my to find out that she had reached, because they were perched atop a fans. I gave you the impression that I might grown a penis over the very tall tree. have some sense in me. For this, I am deeply night. After a thorough sorry. I promise to defy league and team medical examination, it Circuit Trainer Uses 4 Lines At regulations like never before to make it up was discovered that the Supermarket to you.” He then added, while doing shirtless cause for the sudden change was Garnier Kroger Supermarket on 21st was thrown crunches in his Moorestown parking lot, Fructis Long and Strong shampoo. “I, into turmoil last Thursday night, as Bill “I’m thinking of claiming racism. I haven’t like totally always shampoo ALL my hair,” Walters, Nashville resident, began to check done that yet. Yeah, racism.” emphasized Thorton. “I feel the need to out his groceries. Walters is a known circuit keep it all in good condition. I had run out trainer at the Vanderbilt rec center, and is Colorado Man of my own shampoo, and so just used my commonly referred to as “that asshole who 53 Continually boyfriend’s... I should have checked the bot- uses six machines when the Gym is full”. Getting Glued to tle!” Thorton then erupted into tears, real- Kroger shoppers were exposed to a new Toilet Seats Number of izing that the chances of a “Garnier Fructis kind of horror: circuit shopping. Walters days soror- Denver resident Penis Eraser” are pretty much nil. began throwing 2 groceries on each open ity hopefuls Bob Dougherty got aisle, and would frequently dash across the have to glued to a toilet Roommate Causes Severe Cabin store at full speed and chide any customer mark unat- seat yet again last Fever tractive trying to move in on the lines saying, “no body parts Friday afternoon Chaffin resident Mary Bartleby isis suf-suf- man, I’m using that”. Plans to dismember pre-emp- at a local Denny’s. fering from severe cabin fever due to the the circuit shopper and place a body part at tively. This marks the third door to her room constantly being closed. each machine at the rec is underway. “He time that Dougherty Bartleby has asked her roommate several wants to be at every machine at once, we’ll has been pranked in such a manner, and times if the door could remain open during grant him his wish,” commented a conspira- had just passed a lie detector test regarding time she is in the room, as long as neither tor who wished to remain the second such incident at a Home Depot. of them are sleeping. Bartleby’s room- nameless. Regardless of recent events, Dougherty mate, although she agreed to the request in plans to continue his policy of sitting direct- principle, actively ignores it. Despite obvi- Terrell Owens ly on public toilets without applying the ous hints that Bartleby doesn’t like to shut Apologizes for toilet paper buffer. “I figure the chances of it herself away from the world by closing her Apology happening again are so small, it’s not worth door, Bartleby’s roommate is insistent to The Eagles organiza- checking the seat,” claimed Dougherty. close the door, even when just surfing the tion has been thrown Clerks all around the city have been given a net. “I just feel like I’m locking myself away into turmoil the past few picture of Dougherty, so that they will know like a hermit,” commented Bartleby. “I don’t weeks due to controversy surrounding star to pour glue all over the seats of toilets understand it. When I talk to her about it, wide receiver Terrell Owens. Owens, known when he enters their stores. Experts say that she seems fine with it. But then she fake league wide for his selfish attitude and ter- Doughety is lucky that no-one has tried the stretches and closes the door.” Bartleby con- rible personality, was suspended for four infamous “Lethal Weapon 2” prank on him The Slan tinued, “I wouldn’t mind if it was that she games following comments about the Eagles yet. t was doing schoolwork, but even when she The Slan is just checking e-mail she closes the door.” SPORTS Bartleby is planning on removing the hinges t to the door to alleviate her problem. SEC Official Kickbacks to Double this Year Student Found Dead in His Single Vanderbilt Student Mike Walter was The SEC’s co-ordinator of football, Bobby Gaston announced last found dead the other day in his Barnard sin- week that kickbacks will double this year for SEC football officials. gle. Walter had been missing for weeks, and Gaston commented, "In the past, we have been backhanded about our hall residents only noticed that something pure hatred of Vanderbilt. However, the officials last year have been was amiss from the stench of rotting flesh unparalleled in shitty calls against them.” Gaston went on to explain from emitting from the room. The cause of the “hidden rules” in the rule book, that state that every close call goes death has been determined to be an extreme against Vanderbilt. “I think the greatest point in the season was when we overdose of Bawls soda. “The extreme jolt pretended to review that touchdown at the Georgia game,” commented of energy to his body was just too much for Gaston. “Yeah, we sent a letter claiming to apologize for calling it a him,” explained paramedics. VUPD officer touchdown regardless, but in invisible ink it says ‘SUCKERS!’” Corrupt official. MASTHEAD

The Slan 11.16.2005 t Waiting at the DMV . . . since 1886.

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DISCLAIMERS Corrections: This publication is a work of humor, parody and satire. None of the subjects or writers are intended In the last issue, "Rosa Parks Buried In Back to represent real people, unless those people are Of Graveyard" was intended for layout on page public figures. You must be over 18 to read The Slant. This publication and the content thereof does 12, not page 5, but the story would not budge. not always reflect the opinions of Vanderbilt Student The Slant regrets the error. Communications, Inc. Each member of the Vanderbilt community is entitled to one copy of this publication; additional copies are five dollars each. If The Slant t offends you, do not read it. Support our advertisers. Copyright © 2005, The Slant. All rights reserved

Quo usque tandem abutere, Catilina, patientia nostra? quam diu etiam furor iste tuus nos eludet? quem ad finem sese effrenata iactabit audacia? 4 SLANTFEATURES The Slant - www.theslant.net - November 16, 2005

FROM THE EDITOR

The past two weeks have been disappointing, to say the least. We received nary a complaint about the last issue, despite fill- ing it chock-full of articles on Rosa Parks, severed foreskins, and sex tourists. This, of course, means that we can push the boundar- CEAF LEWIS ies of good taste even far- ther, which is going to be awesome. Not in this issue, though; that way you have to pick up every issue after this hoping that each one you pick up will be the one with the hardcore nudity on pages 6 and 7. At any rate, you may have noticed that our cover is a little different this week. Or you may not have, in which case you can skip the rest of this paragraph entirely. But if you did notice, this is the dawn of a new golden age of Slant innovations. It’s like the Harlem Renaissance, only instead of living in Harlem, we live in a tiny office deep in the bow- els of Sarratt, emerging periodically to feast upon snacks from the vending machines. And we don’t have a cheating basketball team. I have noticed lately that certain members of the Slant staff appear to have been awarded pat- ents of nobility, among them Lord-Baron Andrew Charles Collazzi, Esquire, and Poet Laureate Lord Andrew von Banecker. This is unfortunate, because it means that I’ll have to lead a revolution against this corrupt aristocracy and that might delay pro- duction somewhat while we clean the blood and entrails from the keyboards. So if we don’t put out an issue immediately after Thanksgiving break, that’s why, and despite their cruelties to their Fucked Image various and sundry serfs and peasants, everyone I'm lovin' it. should pray for their unfortunate souls as they drift their way to the underworld. A thought occurred to me the other day, said thought being that yelling “It’s over, Anakin! I have the high ground!” would be a hilarious phrase to yell during sex. Somebody needs to try it and Does Chad Burchard offend report on the results. I personally nominate resi- dent “Star Wars” nerd Andrew Collazzi, but we could always use more comedy on campus (Make sure you’re on top when you say it, however, or you you? might look like a jackass). Bonus points if after- wards you weep copiously while screaming “YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!” Probably not as much as that clown nipple Well, looks like I’ve once again filled my col- umn requirement for this issue. Next week, hope- fully we can read Collazzi’s girlfriend’s response to did (plus, nobody cares). The Slan inopportune “Star Wars” quotery. t November 16, 2005 - www.theslant.net - The Slant SLANTMAGAZINES 5

‘Anti-Maxim’ Hits Racks AWWorthy Team 2006 Jenna Fischer (“The Office”): Our inaugural AW QueenQueen starsstars asas Pam Beesley on the US version of This Week the British sitcom “The Office,” the gold standard of AW-hood: cute yet feisty, responsible yet irrever- ent, she defines the total package "However, Husni remains skeptical. 'After restaurants, magazines for today’s man. Lucy Davis of the original series qualifies as well. are probably the worst investment decision in the world.'" Alyson Hannigan (“American Pie”, “Buffy, the Vampire Slayer”): Maxim. FHM. Stuff. Loaded. they create a pressure for women to with.” In many ways the prototypical The list of so called “lad” maga- compete in terms of thinness and Crazy as it sounds, he may be on AW. Prized for her skills with both zines goes on and on. For nearly cleavage and lack of pubic hair, they to something, says magazine expert the flute and the skin flute, she a decade these glossy mags have pressure men to be on the lookout Dr. Samir Husni of the University of showed that apple pie-fucker it’s spilled out of the nation’s magazine for an even sexier woman. Even Mississippi. more important to be interested in racks like their cover models’ racks when they are already with some- “Magazines tend to run in boom someone who’s interested in you spill out of their bikini tops. Add one, they tend not to be satisfied and bust cycles, if you will. Right rather than cling to childish fanta- to this traditional magazines like with what they already have or what now, we’re in a period with a heavy sies about exchange students. Esquire, GQ, and Vanity Fair, and they can realistically attain.” emphasis on busts. It is only natural Felicity Huffman (“Desperate the D-cups runneth over. The situation is even more disap- for the pendulum to swing the other Housewives”): Huffman is the “It’s ridiculous. They’re the pointing because every guy has this direction. If people start buying this thinking man’s desperate house- same magazines, the same models, same attainable woman on his own publication, it could start a new wife. All the buzz for DH goes to month after month,” says editor-in- list. “The truth is, there are no hid- trend.” Teri Hatcher and her “spectacular” chief, publisher, and budding media den gems. Every guy has this same However, Husni remains skepti- breasts, or Nicollette Sheridan and mogul Robert Saunders of the new girl on his list as this sort of safety cal. “After restaurants, magazines her over the top sexuality. Even magazine, AW: Attainable Woman, valve. They just never realize it until are probably the worst investment though she’s more likely to be on a magazine devoted to the real some other guy finally asks her out, decision in the world. A magazine the cover of Redbook thanthan starstar in a women in the lives of men. and she says yes. That’s when guys is lucky to get past issue two. The remake of “The Red Shoe Diaries”, “Ooh! Jessica Simpson has a new confess to each other, ‘You mean odds are really stacked against she’s a strong independent woman, video? Here comes cleavage. Pamela you liked her, too?’ It’s a tragedy that Mr. Saunders’ venture. Ooh, look, tolerable of your faults, yet still Anderson is releasing a novel? I plays itself out every day.” another pun.” playful (especially when hepped guess I’ll get to see her nearly naked “So women aren’t the only ones Still, Saunders will not be up on her kids’ ADD meds). On this month, unless the novel is as fucked up by a culture that fetishizes deterred. “I’m creating the anti- top of that, in real life, she’s mar- bad as I imagine, in which case I’ll women’s body parts,” says Saunders. Maxim here. I don’t mind if you ried to William H. Macy, the guy see her completely naked--again--in However, freakishly proportioned buy Maxim so you can jerk off from “Fargo” and “Boogie Nights”, Playboy, too.” women are only part of the prob- to Carmen Electra for the ump- so she’s not hung up on your being Saunders thinks he has identified lem, argues Saunders. “Men and teenth time,” says Saunders. “I just a male model either. a niche of men who are fed up with self-help gurus like to chalk up this think there’s a group of men out Sofia Coppola (director, “Lost the pinup. tendency to strive for the sexiest there who appreciate another type in Translation”): The older portion “Every guy thinks he has this hid- woman to some Darwinian bullshit of woman, a realreal woman thatthat he of our readership will remem- den gem of a girl. She’s not the hot- about how they ‘have to search for hashas actuallyactually metmet and likes,likes, who ber her screen debut in “The test or the sexiest girl he knows. She the best mate to perpetuate the spe- would appreciateappreciate adviceadvice on how toto Godfather III” less for her acting may be only like the seventh pretti- cies.’ That’s just a rationalization for approachapproach thisthis realreal woman. skillsskills and moremore forfor her blurringblurring est and tenth sexiest even. But she’s men’s roving eyes. It’s a conditioned “Who“Who knows,knows, maybemaybe she’llshe’ll jerkjerk thethe line between,between, “Is sheshe reallyreally hot,hot, still attractive,” says Saunders. behavior, and it can be broken.” him offoff instead.insteThead. And really,really, who or isis sheshe kindkind Slanof ugly?”ugly?” Now in her More importantly, he’s not intim- Thus, the launch of AW: wouldn’twouldn’t preferprefer thatthat anyway?”anyway?” 30s,30s, she’sshe’s on thethe sortsort of hot side. idated by her attractiveness. “He can Attainable Woman. “If you can get JustJust who areare thosethose men? MoreMore And on toptop of that,that, she’sshe’s an amaz-amaz- actually talk to an AW and he feelsfeels men to appreciate what they have importantly, who are these AWs? ing director and doesn’t need you like he has a shot with her.” and focus on the tangible benefits of See exclusive excerpts inside The toto taketake carecare of her.her. The Slan But because this guy is so real women in their lives, you won’t Slant. t conditioned to shoot for the Eva see them looking over their date’s GotGot your ownown suggestion?suggestion? SendSend Longorias and Jessica Biels of the head on the dance floor to scan for it toto [email protected]@gmail.com. world Saunders says, “Not only do a better looking woman to dance 6 SLANTMAGAZINES The Slant - www.theslant.net - November 16, 2005 Letter From The Editor Of Attainable Woman

by ROBERT SAUNDERS theory by focusing on a group of guys to jerk off to Jessica Alba or Jessica Not sure who the AWs are in approaching a group of girls at a bar. Simpson or even Marge Simpson your life? Here’s your guide to You If everyone descends upon the hot- doesn’t mean you should let this AWs, things that make us glad we thought test girl, then unless she starts a train, define your tastes in real women for have our secret crushes on them it was at best only one guy will end up with dating purposes. Instead of fetishiz- instead of the eating disordered tough one girl, and everybody else feels like ing the physical attributes of these girl on the ellipitical at the rec getting they’re getting leftovers. But if you women, we’ll fetishize the intangibles center. Things that make them a date ignore the hot girl and pick somebody of these women, the way they make AWWorthy!Worthy! before. else, then everybody gets laid, which us feel. * Wears panties, not a thong This is more efficient and makes every- Sure, we’ll have photos of our cur- * Uses Monday Night Football magazine body happier overall. rent celebrity crushes—this is a maga- theme song for her cell phone has made This is generally sound advice until zine after all—but we’re not going to ringtone things you realize: John Nash, the principal stuff Alyson Hannigan into a bikini or * Wears hockey sweater to NHL consid- architect of game theory, was crazier pose Sofia Coppola on the cover with games erably than a shithouse rat; and, Russell her hands over her nipples. * Likes to get flowers but tougher Crowe, who plays Nash, ends up with Because we’ve made things tougher doesn’t consider you cheap for for you. Jennifer Connelly. for you by outing your secret crush, getting daisies instead of long- You see, we at AW: Attainable Still, this logic is partially relevant this magazine will offer advice on how stem roses Woman, are exposing a dirty little to the idea behind Attainable Woman. to beat other men to the punch, to * Maxes out her credit card at secret about men. In fact, the secret is We encourage you to give up your work up the courage to ask that girl TJMaxx, not Versace boutique actually common knowledge among hopes and dreams of getting it on out before some other douche bag * If she spent an hour putting men, only they don’t realize it. with the Jennifer Connellys of the does. We’ll coach you through dates on her makeup, you’ll never hear Men like to believe they have world and to focus on women who so you stop checking out the hot girl about it from her or be embar- a hidden gem of a girl whose true are more in your league. who just walked by in the restaurant rassed that she looks like she was beauty and value only they appreciate. But you see, Nash’s logic falls apart while you’re in the middle of a con- face-painted at a state fair She’s attractive, but not intimidatingly under AW theory. We believe that versation with your AW. We believe * Thinks dinner and a movie so. It’s not an effort to maintain a con- all the guys will descend on the same you’ll find us indispensable as you sounds like a fun date versation with her. She’s not so self- girl, which leaves everybody in the reshape your relationship to women. * Trims her pubic region, conscious that she won’t eat in front same position as before—five guys Anyway, this is who we are, this but doesn’t attend to it like it’s of you or snort when she laughs. duking it out for the same woman. is the way we think. We know there Augusta National Here’s the secret: that girl is on And that’s why things just got tougher are more of you out there, and the * When she smiles at you, she your friend’s list, too. And your other for you. competition will be intense. So buy makes it seem like it’s intended friends’ list. And his friends’ lists, too. This magazine is devoted to help- yourself an AW. exclusively for you OK, maybe we’re exaggerating a ing you retrain your eye from the Game on! * Reads Real Simple, not Cosmo little. Not every friend will have the fetish du jour—Britney’s pre-pregnan- * Will split the Bloomin’ Onion same woman on his list, but you’ll cy abs, J Lo’s booty, Pam Anderson’s Robert Saunders and hot fudge brownie sundae be surprised at how many of your bosom—and appreciate the women Editor/Publisher with you TheThe Slan Sl friends have your attainable woman, you have been treating as your safety Attainable Woman ant * Read a book this year . . . and or AW, on theirtheir lists.lists. TheThe oddsodds are:are: if valve. To use some football logic, this it wasn’t “The DaVinci Code” you’ve thought about asking her out, is the West Coast Offense of dating. * You don’t have to be drunk to if you’ve thought about kissing her, if Stop throwing downfield all the time ask her out, she doesn’t have to be you’ve thought about what she looks and be willing to drop one off to the drunk to say yes. like naked, assume that the majority tight end or someone out of the back- of your social circle has, too. field just a few yards downfield. Focus Got your own criteria? Send them An early scene in “A Beautiful on the “yards after catch.” in to attainablewoman@gmail. Mind” depicts the logic of game You see, just because you like com

Want an internship with Attainable Woman? SSendend an apapplicationplication ttoo [email protected]! November 16, 2005 - www.theslant.net - The Slant SLANTNEWS 7 Popular Store Changes Name To ‘Me White, You Black, Get The Hell Out’

by KRIS STENSLAND how we feel,” said one cashier, who ingenious. Me White, You Black, Get low every order given to them by their preferred to remain anonymous. “We the Hell Out is catering to a very spe- bosses immediately. A severance pack- After a Tennessee State University don’t want this sort of misunderstand- cific market that no one else has the age for said workers has been set at and Vanderbilt student protest outside ing to occur again.” guts to serve: bigots who like custom forty acres and a mule. of the Greek and Vanderbilt para- While the company has lost orders printed T-shirts.” In addition to the protest about the phernalia store You Greek, Me Greek from nearly all NPHC fraternities Although the store at first seems to store’s racial marketing, a lawsuit has on West End Avenue last Wednesday and sororities on both the TSU and be unrelenting on their new business been filed to cover the slurs uttered brought the issue of race to the atten- Vanderbilt campuses, business is, plan, arbitrators are certain that an by the cashier. While the tone and tion of store owners, the proprietors strangely enough, booming. It seems agreement can be reached. diction of the cashier’s comments are announced a change in both name that the racism protests attract more “Me White, You Black has already being emphasized by the plaintiff, the and store policy. and more people out of the back- agreed to fill 60% of the NPHC defense is sure to bring in “sass factor” Catering to the Greek community woods areas of Nashville. More are orders for the year, in what we’re call- to help justify the cashier and owner’s at Vanderbilt, the store has changed expected to arrive from the greater ing the ‘3/5 Compromise,’” said Jim actions. its name to reflect the preferred cus- Tennessee area later this month. Vandeveer, mediator. “We’re almost “We understand that some racially language was used,” said judge tomer base. Accordingly, signs and “We’ve had a HUGE increase in certain that there can be a better charged Mario Brothers. “What we are trying to advertisements have already been custom white hoodies and camo arrangement, but for now, we’ve made figure out now is the level of ‘sass’ that changed to “Me White, You Black, pants,” said the owner. “They’re just progress. I’m hoping for at least a sep- was given to the cashier, in Get the Hell Out.” While this may flying off the rack! And for some rea- arate store that’s equal. Or that they’ll order to seem offensive, store owners defended son, we just got an exclusive contract let us use the front door.” determine if the action was in verbal their statement by referencing the T- from KA!” Another progressive step for the self-defense.” shirt order form, which specifically In addition to the expansions here business is the new policy for hiring Regardless of the verdict, You states in capital letters “All non-white in Nashville, the company has also black workers. The ‘black worker cap,’ Greek, Me Greek has made some customers will be verbally abused.” been busy trying to fill requests for which until a week ago stood at 1, strong changes, resulting in both an Management staff has merely made new store locations all across the has now been completely abolished. anti-racist outcry and an ironic busi- this information more readily acces- south, as well as Idaho. All black workers are welcome, under ness boom. Surely, Me White, You “This type of business plan hasn’t specific conditions. Namely, they Black, Get the Hell Out has flourished The Slan sible to the public. t “We just wanted everyone to know been seen for over fifty years,” said aren’t paid, have to work at the store in the face of diversity. economist Bill Friar. “It’s really pretty for their entire lives, and have to fol-

Eighteen-Year-Old Mayor Still Can’t Win Female Demographic

by SEAN TIERNEY ther than second base. nothing has changed. Sessions con- voted for the other guy. At least he This past Election Day, Sessions tinues to practice forced celibacy. seemed to know what he was doing.” HILLSDALE, MI- High school senior defeated incumbent Doug Ingles as a “Between school and my mayorship, Commented fellow senior Ashley and new mayor-elect of Hillsdale write-in candidate in a closely contest- I now have almost no time to even Deerfield, “I still wouldn’t go out with Michael Sessions has done more in his ed race. The newly-christened politi- speak to girls. If things don’t improve him, but I’m sure someone will now.” eighteen years than many men do in a cian, who now presides over a town soon, I may have to legalize prostitu- “This mayorship will certainly look lifetime . . . except for women. of 9,000 people, threw his hat in the tion," said the new mayor. good on my college applications, but “Hillsdale’s Favorite Son” is an all- ring after his birthday in September. Amid claims that the high school it’s not really helping me get laid.” American football player. He holds “I realized that I was eighteen and senior lacks the experience and know- Confessed the eighteen-year-old. “I Hillsdale High School’s record for had never been any closer to getting how to run a large town, several stu- was sorta hoping to be the Bill Clinton most points in a single game in bas- some action than the time I ran into dents at Hillsdale High expressed their of Hillsdale, except without the whole ketball, and has a 4.0 GPA. Sessions is that burning building to save Jenna concerns that Sessions’s floundering being married to Hillary thing.” also a published author and designed Hampshire’s little brother. So I decid- sex life is in desperate need of a boost. If Sessions has not reached third a new solar power harvesting process ed to do something about it. I figured Said long-time friend John Reeves, “I base by January, he plans to give up for a science project last year. There is that if I won the election, I could lose really hope this whole mayor thing trying to get girls with his position my virginity once and for all.” eventually helps Mike get some and go with the tried-and-true tradi- one accomplishment that still eludes The Slan t him, however; he has never gone fur- Unfortunately for the young man, tail, because otherwise I would’ve tion of embezzlement of funds. 8 SLANTCOLUMNS The Slant - www.theslant.net - November 16, 2005 I Hate Israel Way More I Knew I Should Have Paid Than You The Five Euros To Park In A by MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD you only kept down two bowls Garage President of Iran before puking in that hummus eat- by PIERRE CHARLEMAGNE ing contest. But anyways, back when make it even worse, it only took two Parisian Columnist I’m just going to come out and you wanted to push them into the of them to do it. Damn minis. say it: I hate Israel. A lot. My rage sea, I wanted to throw them into the I remember when I first bought for their people, their “country,” and sea. If you only push them, they’ll Three weeks ago, my life was fan- it and my wife was nagging me to their presence knows no bounds. have time to get into their boats, tastic; I managed to beat the odds get a parking space in the garage. I Since day one I’ve been fighting of which they have many. Come on and land a job with a salary high was like, “Damn you, sea hag, quit against them like a bad case of the man, use your head. enough for me to purchase a new pestering me! Five euros a day is a clap, painfully but with the best And then there was that time you car: the Renault Twingo. So what if lot of money and I’ll just clean off intentions to rid the world of dis- said they should be wiped off the it was a supermini? There’s noth- the pigeon shit with a soft cloth.” ease. In fact, by my figuring I hate map. I was advocating a complete ing worth visiting outside of Paris Eventually I had to smack her to Israel more than anyone else on the bleaching off the map, cutting out anyway, I thought. It’s not like I’m get her to stop talking, but now I’m planet, especially you. of the bleached spot, and setting it planning to go on a road trip. At least going to have to go to all that extra Yeah, that’s right. You. You’ve on fire. I also called for the carv- I had the luxury of thinking about it effort and apologize to her and tell gone really easy on them lately. ing out of Israel from all globes and then, though; it looks like I won’t be her she was right. I hope she’ll be Suicide bomb them only if they the removal of all references to that going anywhere since those damn satisfied with the flowers, because attack us? Nice call, ass. I bet you country in encyclopedias and other North Africans lit my car on fire. I’m way too pissed off to take her to believe all their empty promises published works. As you can see, The first supermini on the market, dinner. about peace. Talk about appease- the extent of my hate pushes me to my Twingo really stood out from the Anyway, this not-having-a-car ment! Who do you think you are, excellence. I take pride in my rage. crowd. I guess it still did while it was business is ruining my life. One Neville Chamberlain? My strat- It’s not a half-assed thing like it blazing merrily on the street in front would think it would be easy to avoid egy has always been that the best clearly is with you. of my apartment building, but the joy the gangs of ruffians fighting it out defense is a good offense and I’m Maybe now that I’ve shown you was a little hollow then. My automo- with the police in the streets, but not going to stick by it, no matter the error of your ways, you can take bile used to be synonymous with fun when you’re forty-five years old and how “diplomatic” you think you’ve off your panties and start acting like and adventure, but now it’s synony- on foot. In my Twingo, I could make become. Bombings forever, that’s a real Israel-hating man by support- mous with half-melted plastics and my escape at its top speed of thirty what I say. I’ve even come up with ing some of my newest initiatives. a bill from the city to haul it away. miles an hour if need be; now that a jingle to gain support for my plan: First of all, hold anti-Israel marches The sliding rear bench? Gone in the dream is dead. I’m definitely going “Bombings in the morning, bomb- everyday. I’ve already got those conflagration. The central instru- to write a stern letter to Monsieur ings in the evening, bombings at going, because I motivate people. ment panel? Immolated. As practical Chirac about this, or at least I will once those teenagers outside stop suppertime, when bombings are on People see me and think, “Wow, as it is ergonomic? Not now. Oh, and The Slan t the table, I win.” I’m still working on that guy really hates Israel. What a those anti-roll bars sure did a lot of lighting the mailbox on fire. the ending. baller. I’m going to do whatever he good when those teenagers were roll- And what’s with your actions says.” If you really hated Israel, you ing my new car along the street. To during the Israeli pullout from Gaza totally would to. (which I attribute solely to my undy- Secondly, you can sign my peti- ing hate)? I saw you on the news, tion to have the name of the Balfour burning houses along with everyone Declaration changed to the “Don’t The Slant hates the following else. I’ll give you minor props for Take This Document Seriously political ideologies: that. But I certainly didn’t see you Declaration.” That would really go a pissing on the ashes once the houses long way towards turning my hate- were done burning, or dancing on filled vision into a hate-filled reality. graves, or anything like that . . . any- Finally, you can grow a pair and thing like I would have done. All in start thinking of your own ways to all it was a very mild desecration. I hate Israel. If you really put your bet you have a soft spot (read: weak- mind to it, you could hate Israel ness) in your heart for the Israelis! just as much as I do now, only by 1. Libertarianism Poor form. Poor form. then I’ll hate them even more, so I’ll And now that I think about it, still hate them the most. So get it you actually have a pretty long his- together and take the hate to a new tory of being a soft-core bitch when level. That’s what I did and now I’m The Slan it comes to Israel. Not that you’re a President. I rest my case. t not soft-core elsewhere, like when November 16, 2005 - www.theslant.net - The Slant SLANTCOLUMNS 9 It's Unreasonable Of Coincidence? I Think Not. You To Tell Me To Be Prophecy? Definitely. Quiet In Your Class "Many may dispute my status as a modern-day Nostradamus, but I really think that I’m bordering on the You're such an asshole. level of superhero status . . ."

by LORD-BARON ANDREW saying, “Oh please young master, By KRIS STENSLAND lucky [the ceiling] will collapse on CHARLES COLLAZZI, ESQUIRE would you consider being slightly Prophetic Columnist us! Wouldn’t that be GREAT?” Yes, Douchebag Columnist quieter?” THEN I might grant you I predicted nearly everything that your request. Many stu- would happen that night. But what Since the beginning of this semes- As a matter of fact, it IS your fault dents were does this mean? ter, I have been living in a prison. Day I’m not doing well in this class. I’m affected by the While many will say that the after day, more and more unrealistic far smarter than you, despite your flooding of flooding of Vandy/Barnard on the demands are placed on me. It’s get- PhD. I’m sure that I could teach this Vandy/Barnard, same night as the release of my ting to the point that I am no longer class, and I’d do a far better job. a freshman resi- article to be mere coincidence, I have able to freely exercise my God given Teaching isn’t about knowing the dence hall. Yes, taken this event as merely a sign. Yes, rights. The time has come to put an subject, it’s about being an entertain- it was a tough this event has implications of abnor- end to your unreasonable standards. ing presenter of information. Why time for some; mal, supernatural powers. Not to be You are nothing but a tyrant who do you think everybody is paying lots of people’s taken lightly, I have researched my thinks you should have control of attention to me instead of you during stuff was ruined, condition, and I have come to a star- me just because I am student of your class, lame-o? carpet had to be tling conclusion. class. Well, I have news for YOU It’s not my fault I’ve gotten bad taken out, and a I, Kris Stensland of The Slant, asshole: It’s unreasonable of you to grades on the tests. That is merely bunch of furni- have the power of prophecy. tell me to be quiet in your class. a function of you not making every ture needs to be I know that many of you may be Because I’m so above this class, I lecture enthralling. You should be replaced. There’s skeptical, but I have found that my decided long ago that I was above lis- THANKING me for talking in your not much that’s powers of prediction are not limited tening to lecture, reading the assign- class. How else are you going to funny about this to merely the one-time occurrence of ments and attempting practice tests. know that your lecture sucks? whole scenario. Vanderbilt Hall flooding, and many What nerve you have telling me to And you can bet that I’m going Lots of rooms may dispute my status as a modern- be quiet. You’re sitting up there talk- to get you good when it comes time flooded, a roof collapsed, and people day Nostradamus, but I really think ing the ENTIRE hour, and you get for class evaluations. I am fed up had to take refuge in the lobby and that I’m bordering on the level of annoyed at ME for talking? You’re a with your standards of having a TV lounges. But wait . . . this all superhero status. fucking selfish asshole for thinking class “without disruption.” I am fed sounds so . . . familiar . . . Consider: sure Superman, Batman, that YOU should be able to lecture up with you assuming that I should This brings me to possibly the Spiderman and all the others are to us! Seriously, why can’t I talk with learn the material. I am fed up with most disturbing and life altering mat- great, but they’re all so . . . reaction- my neighbor. You wouldn’t want to your not making the graded assign- ter to be considered in this whole ary. Yeah, they could fly in and do a hear what I’m saying anyway. I don’t ments at the level where even an ordeal. daring rescue, but realistically, what’s care if you’re talking about how to H.O.D. major could understand them I predicted this entire night. better: almost letting Mary Jane die find the period of a planet’s orbit so I can coast. Count on getting a Loyal readers of The Slant will in the hands of an evil mastermind, using Kepler’s Third Law; I’m having one on my class evaluation for “effec- remember the article that I had or foreseeing the events and then a riveting conversation about my new tively teaches the material”. published in the last issue. I’d like going and preventing them? Mine Manolos! You tried to screw me out of a few to start off by noting that our issues sure wouldn’t make for an interesting Also, why do you have to get so minutes of talking with my neigh- are printed beginning early Monday movie, but it definitely makes for a excited when asking me to be quiet? bor, and now you will pay for it with morning, and distributed beginning safer world. Christ, don’t you realize how obnox- your job. Good luck, peasant. You Tuesday night. What else happened Unfortunately, I’m not quite to ious you sound when you say, “Hey, should have realized earlier that this Tuesday night, about half an hour this point yet. Right now, my visions could you please keep it down?” I is Vanderbilt. My father is paying after distribution? The Vandy Flood. just kind of pop into my head, and guess you don’t, because every time $40,000 a year for you to give me This might seem like just a far off then I have to figure out how to har- you try to quiet me down, I always As, not for you to teach me. Oh well, coincidence, but do you remember ness them (mainly to get some win- have to put my hands up to indicate I guess it doesn’t matter how I do. all that happened? Citing my article, ning lottery tickets). to you to calm yourself. Everyone No matter how badly I do in school “The bathroom and rooms have all But really, could all this have hap- in the class knows that you’re just father will allow me a job in his law been flooded,” “I’m really looking pened by coincidence? I think not. The Slan The Slan t totally out of line with your tone and firm. Tell THAT to be quiet. forward to our ‘Take Refuge in the Am I a prophet? Definitely. t word choice. Next time, how about TV Lounge!’ night,” and “If we’re 10 SLANTCULTURE The Slant - www.theslant.net - November 16, 2005 High Society And The Truth About TaleSpin Middling-Quality Poetry by REEVE HAMILTON 10 “TaleSpin” is clearly by lord ANdrew von ban- art in history that compares to this SOUP A harsh commentary on ecker, poEt laureaTe brillance. With it’s profound allusion Condensed Tomato Globalization. to the emotional abyss of “Mambo Again Commentary in italics by Number 5” it only strengthens it’s place Again Baloo and King Lou EVAN ALSTON on the throne of all of history’s poetry. Again Were carefree jungle swingers Flash of color. In “The Jungle Book.” Indeed, this is an anthology which DOGS PLAYING POKER Monotony. will give fodder to poetry scholars for Two of a kind Then Mowgli arrived. many decades to come. It starts out The poodle’s bluffing GUERNICA Capitalism followed. with such a brilliant, simple piece: Suicide Kings are wild And the battle rages on Everything has changed. Two men die in each other's arms MONA LISA WAS A WHORE The sheer artistic brilliance evi- Cubic bull? Now, they live indoors. I despise your half assed smile denced in this poem made me realize Guernica They fly planes and they tend bars. Mocking that I don’t deserve to live. Is that natural? Trembling RHAPSODY IN BLACK Take off your dress and stay awhile DAVID The backdrop of kings They no longer sing. Mona Lisa was a whore. You mock me Velvet They must wear silly T-shirts. With your tiny penis Elvis No more nudity! It shows a unique strength as it says Sistine Chapel was better. Memphis scares children what many of us have been wanting to David. Production is up, say for some time now, and it’s perfect DRIPPING But this only helps The Man. iambic meter only buttresses the raw Mr. Banecker took a pitiful little Never ending run-off The White Man, I bet. emotional power inherent in these chipped rock and crafted this epic mas- Will this end? short lines. “Mocking./Trembling.” short terpiece, condensed into the dewy drops No! What about Baloo bursts . . . like Mona Lisa herself. It of perfection. He then took those drops Time. And his dear old friend King Lou? shows a power unmatched. and condensed them even more to give Essence. How do they get helped? these 12 famous words. Words that will Salvador Dali? DADA determine the fate of humanity. Dewy, Air Quality? Bad! Public urinal dewy humanity. I fear that I cannot go CHAGALL DREW HORSIES Deforestation abounds! Crime scene chalk outline on, for the incredible emotional toil of The neverending struggle of the No living wages! Mambo number 5 sucked simply glancing at the page that these 19th century Russian Jew PointlessnessensseltnioP works are on sends me into convulsions Chagall drew horsies. You may say that they of ecstasy. These extracalafragalistic Are happy and smile a lot. You would be hard-pressed to find poems are the best thing ever written in LIBERTY LEADING THE You close-minded fool. anything in contemporary, nay, any history . PEOPLE Liberty This propaganda Motivating Is designed to deceive you. Bastard Confession She leads the nation of France It does not show truth. Onward and upward Rebellion King Lou and Baloo We will not eat cake! Crave the old days in secret. Delacroix drew a booby They are corporate slaves! Independence. For more on horrors “I leave fake messages WHISTLER’S MOTHER Wrought by Globalization, from girls on my dry She sits motionless in a chair Watch TaleSpin! It’s great! erase board.” Forever staring into the abyss that is nature P.S. I admit Her wrinkled skin entices me The ape’s name is not King Lou -Sean Tierney Why, Oedipus? Why? It is King Louie. I must kill her It is the only way And actually, The Slan Matricide, oil based. t In TaleSpin it’s just Louie. The Slan Those pigs stole his crown! t November 16, 2005 - www.theslant.net - The Slant SLANTHUMOR 11

AROUNDTHELOOP SLANTHOROSCOPES Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21): Ironically, John Malkovich will discover a por- tal into your mind, controlling your body from the Why did your poorly- inside. After a few minutes, he will decide to do conceived terrorist plan what you couldn’t. fail? Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Don’t even think of going to France right now! Argh, too late, you thought of it! You can’t do any- thing right. Get lost. Go to France. Good luck with the rioters. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You want to get high legally. Denver or Rowdy Rooster, Cartoon Terrorist Nick Jarmason, Stoner Terrorist Amsterdam? Denver or Amsterdam? Damn, tough decision. Good luck. The Slan The Slan The Slan The Slan The Slan The Slan t t t t t t Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): “I thought I grabbed the Somebody will tell you the words are actually backpack with the bomb “It turns out Cheez Whiz “revved up like a deuce”. You will no longer enjoy in it but it was the one isn’t so much explosive as singing this song. with silverware and an it is delicious.” Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): anvil in it instead.” Hoping to do your body some good, you take up drinking milk every day, only to remember that you are lactose intolerant . . . and a moron. Aries (March 21-April 19): Billy Mays, Infomercial Terrorist Abdullah, Urban Terrorist Want to get over that nasty break up and actively support a cause, but don’t have time to do both?

The Slan The Slan The Slan The Slan The Slan The Slan t t t There is a solution. Become a suicide bomber. t t t Taurus (April 20-May 20): “It didn’t fail. In hind- Setting off fireworks inside isn’t the best idea “Because dirty bombs sight, however, I should what with the new cameras and all. are easily stopped with have realized no one in the awesome power of Detroit would know the Gemini (May 21-June 21): OxiClean!” difference.” It’s time to do laundry, champ. No amount of Axe could ever cover up the fusty slap in the face that seems to follow you around these days. Cancer (June 22-July 22): You will read no other horoscopes other than Che Guevara, Charismatic Terrorist Al-Fatwa Jihad, Deli Owner your own. Don’t read any other horoscopes, or it won’t come true.

The Slan The Slan The Slan The Slan The Slan The Slan t t t t t t Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Ramadan is over, so you can stop eating obnox- iously in front of all the Muslim kids. “I was convinced by the “I was feeling too dead to get rhetoric of President Bush Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): started on it today.” that I had already won.” Way to go, Cancer. You’ve rendered your horoscope fucking moot. I hope you die of cancer. Or crabs. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): What some people call cruel exploitation, other people call making hobos fight each other for food. 12 BACKPAGE The Slant - www.theslant.net - November 16, 2005

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“Is it a bad thing if my data Tuesday Nights 2 port starts to itch?” 6:30 P.M. 1 "Be excellent to each other." Sarratt 363