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Mark Twain Tickles the Legal Funny Bone

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Mark Twain Tickles the Legal Funny Bone Hon. Michael L. Stern LOS ANGELES SUPERIOR COURT July 2017 Issue Mark Twain tickles the legal funny bone THE LEGENDARY AUTHOR AND HUMORIST SATIRIZED THE LAW TO PROMOTE HIS IDEAL OF JUSTICE Practically everyone is familiar with to produce some of the most witty lawyer One of Twain’s characters in Life on the Tom Sawyer, Huckleberry Finn and Mark humor ever conceived. But this jesting Mississippi remarked, “My father was a Twain’s other fictional characters who critic of the legal system had purposes: justice of the peace, and I supposed he redefined American literature through promoting higher moral standards for possessed the power of life and death their exploits on the Mississippi River a civil society, advancing fairer justice and over all men and could hang anybody 2 century and a half ago. Less well-remem - fostering better lawyering. that offended him.” 2 bered today are the many humorous sto - Judge Clemens aspired to elevate his ries and remarks crafted by Twain that Son of a judge lowly judicial position to County Circuit lampooned lawyers, judges and the legal Mark Twain began life as Samuel Court Clerk, but caught pneumonia on process. The author used satire and sar - Clemens, the son of Judge John Marshall a stormy night while campaigning casm in his tales to advocate that legal Clemens (named after the great Supreme for office and died suddenly in 1847. 33 systems are a means to achieve justice Court Chief Justice). His Honor was a His eleven-year-old son Samuel stood and enforce moral standards in civil minor magistrate in bucolic Hannibal, over his father’s casket and promised his society. Missouri, who had trouble making financial mother that he would be faithful and With a keen insight into human ends meet. Perhaps it was his father’s industrious if she allowed him to drop nature, Mark Twain enjoyed poking fun example of barely scratching out a living out of school. She agreed and he went 1 at courts and lawyers. His writings as a “sometime lawyer and judge” 1 that to work as a printer’s apprentice at his exploited the foibles of the legal system convinced Sam to avoid a legal career. Stern, Next Page Hon. Michael L. Stern , continued July 2017 Issue older brother Orion’s newspaper, where The always adventurous younger broth - property removed and complained. he learned about journalism and writ - er decided to join him out west. Eager to please, the prosecuting attorney 4 ing. 4 As a member of the bar, Orion was took on the case without inspecting the no more immune from criticism by his scene or checking the facts. He filed a Studying law ain’t for me sibling than any other attorney. Not lawsuit to right the grievous wrong and Notwithstanding the awe that he impressed with Orion’s ascension to the presented the case in court. Rising to held for his father the judge, lawyering bar, Twain said that the hapless Orion deliver his closing argument: would not be in the cards for Samuel was always “waiting for clients who never [He] pounded on the table, he 11 Clemens. His later writings about his lack came.” 11 Characteristic of his lifelong low banged the law books, he shouted, of a disposition to be a lawyer underscore esteem for attorneys, he commented: “I and roared, and howled, he quoted his doubts about how the profession ben - laid one of the plainest and simplest of from everything and everybody, efits society in general. In an 1861 letter legal questions before Orion once, and poetry, sarcasm, statistics, history, to his mother and sister, he said, “I never the helpless and hopeless mess he made pathos, bathos, blasphemy, and 12 intend to be a lawyer. I have been a slave of it was absolutely astonishing.” 12 Nor wound up with a grand war whoop several times in my life, but I’ll never be was he impressed with Orion’s powers of for free speech, freedom of the 5 one again.” 5 He claims to have given the persuasion and legal reasoning: “He press, free schools, the Glorious Bird law a try, but “I had studied law an entire would examine both sides of a case so of America, and the principles 18 week, and then given it up because it was diligently and so conscientiously that of eternal justice! [Applause]” 18 6 so prosy and tiresome.” 6 He removed all when he got through with his arguments Only a Mark Twain could capture doubt about his disdain for a legal career neither he nor a jury would know which the farcical hilarity of this summation by 13 in another letter to his mother: “Tell side he was on.” 13 this buffoon of an attorney ranting about aunt Mary that I am sorry she thought Clemens fell back on journalism a phony claim. It was a ridiculous concoc - I intended to study law, because . after an attempt at prospecting in tion, but it sold newspapers and widened 7 14 I do not love the law.” 7 Nevada did not pan out. 14 He chose the Twain’s reputation. He advised his read - immortal nom de plume Mark Twain from ers that this pompous fool of an advocate Samuel Clemens becomes “Mark his riverboat days and began writing for was to learn some two months later that Twain” the Virginia City Enterprise . During his the whole thing had been a hoax. Young Sam worked at various jobs brief Nevada sojourn, he began writing a He related to his territorial readers until he turned twenty-one, when he steady stream of biting zingers about that “Ranches in Nevada are very scat - decided to try his hand as a coca hunter the law and the legal profession that tered – a scattering, perhaps, as lawyers 15 19 in the Amazon. On his way to South continued until his death in 1910. 15 in heaven.” 19 Doubling-down on this America, he stopped in New Orleans and But there were not that many news - assessment, he wrote: “Carson City, the got the notion that he could become a worthy events in the territory. So, among capital of Nevada, had a wild harum- riverboat pilot. He borrowed some other things, the inventive writer pointed scarum population of editors, thieves, 20 money to sign aboard as an apprentice his creative pen at the world of lawyers lawyers, in fact all kinds of blacklegs.” 20 cub pilot and began plying the muddy and the law. In Roughing It , he said, “In Little wonder that Twain hightailed it out waters of the Mississippi, where safe Nevada, for a time, the lawyer, the editor, of town in 1863 with particular haste water passage on the river was marked at the banker, the chief desperado, the chief after facing possible felony charges for 21 a depth of two fathoms with the cry gambler, and the saloon-keeper, occupied having issued a challenge to a duel. 21 8 “Mark Twain.” 8 In New Orleans, he visit - the same level in society, and it was the 16 ed an astrologer who foretold to him, highest.” 16 Surveying the crop of lawyers, Crime reporter on the bawdy “You should have been a lawyer – there is it was his opinion, “If we had as many Barbary Coast where your talents lie . try the law – preachers as lawyers, you would find it Twain continued his budding career 9 you will certainly succeed.” 9 Fortunately mixed as to which occupation could as a journalist in rough and tumble early 17 for posterity, he did not take this advice. muster the most rascals.” 17 San Francisco. As a novice reporter on Samuel Clemens’s footloose life as One fictional tall tale contrived for the prowl for stories, he built a reputa - a cub pilot took a new turn when the publication by Twain was about a practi - tion for insightful reporting of court pro - Civil War broke out in 1861, and he cal joke played on a pretentious Eastern ceedings, police calls and nefarious deeds joined the Confederate Army. His mili - lawyer who came out to serve as the committed in the sordid back alleys of 22 tary stint lasted only two weeks. He territorial Untied States Attorney. In the “City That Knows How.” 22 resigned due to being “incapacitated order to give the greenhorn dude some - No writer has better captured the by fatigue through persistent retreat - thing to do, the locals fabricated a story flavor of gritty justice in the cesspool of 10 ing.” 10 In that year, his brother Orion, about how one man’s land had slid down - San Francisco’s early criminal courts than now an attorney, was appointed as hill and stacked on top of the tract of his Twain: Secretary of the Nevada Territory. neighbor. He wanted the trespassing Stern, Next Page Hon. Michael L. Stern , continued July 2017 Issue “You cannot imagine what a horrible ultimately vindicated. The real culprit is money to fight with, and the ghost of an hole that Police Court is. The identified through the honest actions of excuse, and they would manage to post - cholera itself couldn’t stand it there . the trial judge, a dogged defense attorney pone anything in the world, unless it it has but one window, and and Tom Sawyer serving as a surprise wit - might be the millennium or something 31 now that is blocked up . there is ness who reluctantly comes forth to tell like that.” 31 not a solitary air-hole as big as the true facts in court at the trial about Annoyed by such attorney shenani - your nostril about the whole place .
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