Troubling and Reclaiming Schizophrenia Through Women of Color Feminism and Madness Studies
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DePaul University Via Sapientiae College of Liberal Arts & Social Sciences Theses and Dissertations College of Liberal Arts and Social Sciences 6-2021 Crazy tubby girl/mad fat transman: troubling and reclaiming schizophrenia through women of color feminism and madness studies Tyler Allen Selsor DePaul University, [email protected] Follow this and additional works at: https://via.library.depaul.edu/etd Recommended Citation Selsor, Tyler Allen, "Crazy tubby girl/mad fat transman: troubling and reclaiming schizophrenia through women of color feminism and madness studies" (2021). College of Liberal Arts & Social Sciences Theses and Dissertations. 310. https://via.library.depaul.edu/etd/310 This Thesis is brought to you for free and open access by the College of Liberal Arts and Social Sciences at Via Sapientiae. It has been accepted for inclusion in College of Liberal Arts & Social Sciences Theses and Dissertations by an authorized administrator of Via Sapientiae. For more information, please contact [email protected]. Crazy Tubby Girl/Mad Fat Transman: Troubling and Reclaiming Schizophrenia Through Women of Color Feminism and Madness Studies A Thesis Presented in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree of Master of Arts July 2021 BY Tyler Allen Selsor Department of Women’s and Gender Studies College of Liberal Arts and Social Sciences DePaul University Chicago, Illinois 1 Table of Contents Abstract ....................................................................................................................................................................................... 2 Fig. 1. Tyler Selsor, Live Through This. 2020 ................................................................................................................ 3 Preface .......................................................................................................................................................................................... 4 Introduction: Boulevard of Broken Dreams ................................................................................................................. 7 Genealogies of Madness and a Sliver of Hope .............................................................................................................. 7 Chapter 1: I Heard I’m Still Alive: Madness and Trauma ...................................................................................... 36 Chapter 2: A Body Persisting ............................................................................................................................................ 58 Chapter Three: Schizophrenic Knowledges ................................................................................................................ 95 There’ll Be Peace When You are Done: A Reflection on Autobioethnography ......................................... 111 Appendix ................................................................................................................................................................................ 132 References ............................................................................................................................................................................. 135 2 Abstract Through autobioethnography this project demonstrates a complex, yet incomplete picture of schizophrenia as an illness mediated by and through racist ableist (trans)misogynistic queerphobic capitalist heteropatriarchy. It describes the beginnings of schizophrenia as genetically inherited, yet entirely socially mediated process where subjects come to know themselves as pariahs through the processes of criminalization, incarceration and poor healthcare. Furthermore, it questions the project of wellness and contests schizophrenia as a site of wholly illness. It uses the disciplines of Madness Studies and Women of Color Feminism to argue that schizophrenia is a way of being that upsets patriarchy, so it must be valued. Schizophrenia is a terrifying illness, but it also contains a wealth of counter hegemonic knowledge and new ways of thinking more madly that ‘out mad’ the system and provide liminal space for liberatory politics. 3 Fig. 1. Tyler Selsor, Live Through This. 2020 Image Description: Drawn in black and white, a naked fat figure with scars on their legs and bandages on their arms stands on the right side of the page facing away from a flower that grows up and entwines itself with the burner of a gas stove. The figure has thick thighs, a rounded stomach, large breasts and short curly hair. To the right of the figure’s face, written in capital letters, is the phrase “Live Through This.” Flowers rain down into a small pool of liquid on the far bottom left from cartridge razors depicted above. 4 Preface Acknowledgements First and foremost, I want to thank my parents, Laurie and Mike Selsor, and my partner, Matthew Magliola, for quite literally making my graduate career possible through their endless trips to Chicago from Indiana with me when I was too sick to drive, their advocating for me during frequent and frustrating doctor’s visits and their compassion, understanding and patience as I often stumbled through this process. I want to thank the faculty and staff at DePaul’s Women’s and Gender Studies Department for their mentorship and support. I am fortunate to have many understanding and patient people in my life and the members of the Women’s and Gender Studies Department were certainly nothing but patient and understanding. I would especially like to recognize Dr. Heather Montes Ireland, Dr. Sanjukta Mukherjee, Dr. Anne Mitchell, Dr. Laila Farah and Leo Masalihit. Dr. Montes Ireland, my committee chair, worked tirelessly to get this project done and inspired me in my first quarter to write about mental illness. Dr. Mukherjee guided me through the proposal writing process, which was invaluable for the development of this thesis. Dr. Mitchell mentored me in a teaching internship where I got to test my skills as a lecturer and learn from the best. Dr. Farah gave our cohort a thought provoking and beautiful bittersweet ending to our last class together. And, of course, Leo runs the show, and I would have been lost without his help. Thanks as well to my committee members Dr. Noam Ostrander and Dr. Allison McCracken for their thoughtful dedication to the project. I believe I have made some lifelong friends in my cohort. To Jesse, Hayley, Zayne, Matima, Haley and Laura I am deeply thankful for your friendship, and hey, I think it’s fair to say that I love you all. I’m so glad we met, and even though our lives are going different ways, I know we’ll stay in touch. 5 Finally, I want to thank my longtime friend, colleague, and fellow trans dude Soren for his love and support through all my ups, downs, twists and turns. I used to think I was alone, maybe that’s just because I was a teenage edge lord, but I really did feel that way. Now I know I’m not. I wanted someone to perfectly understand everything about me at that time, but now I know that the point of a good relationship is not to understand completely, but to listen, empathize and struggle together. I quite literally wouldn’t be here without all of you. Love, TAS For all the schizophrenics, for the ones we’ve already lost and the ones we’re already losing And for all of us who “wake up tired in the dark.”1 1Sandra Cisneros, The House on Mango Street (New York: Alfred A. Knopf, Inc, 2015), 57. 6 Trigger Warnings: self harm, psychosis, houselessness, racism, violence, suicide, childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse, animal abuse, hoarding, squalid environments, trauma, verbal abuse, kidnapping, racism, colonization, misogyny, ableism, sexual assault, addiction, psychiatric hospitalization, violence, suicide, body image, disordered eating, fatphobia, doctors, slavery, incarceration, racism, chemical restraint, death, memory loss, aphasia, disassociation, hearing voices 7 Introduction: Boulevard of Broken Dreams Genealogies of Madness and a Sliver of Hope Trigger Warning: psychosis “I got a bad disease, But from my brain is where I bleed. Insanity it seems, Has got me by my soul to squeeze.” “Soul to Squeeze” Red Hot Chili Peppers2 “Mama” I said, pointing to the stained-glass window in the cathedral, “I see Mary up there. Do you see her too?” “No. It must be the light from the window.” “It’s not the light from the window. She’s right there.” I pointed above the altar. “I don’t think so,” my mom said uneasily, but she dropped the matter, thinking that it was just a childhood fantasy. This was my first hallucination. My first experience of schizophrenia as far back as I can remember. I first found out that I had Schizoaffective Disorder four years after I had been diagnosed with it. I was handing in the paperwork for my accommodations my freshman year at Columbia College Chicago. In my doctor’s handwriting, the line for diagnosis read: Schizoaffective 2The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Soul to Squeeze, 1993. 8 Disorder. I had no idea what that was, only that I had been living with it all my life. I could take a pretty good guess because I knew my symptoms: anxiety, depression, mood swings, and psychotic episodes, but I didn’t know what was in store for me and how it worked. I set out to find this information, but there wasn’t a lot out there except the typical Web MD page. I have been at a loss as to what to do for the last four years and have continued to just live with my condition in isolation. It was not until I began to understand the nature of trauma last