CREATED by Nick Kroll | Andrew Goldberg | Mark Levin | Jennifer Flackett EPISODE 2.05 “The Planned Parenthood Show” an Argum
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CREATED BY Nick Kroll | Andrew Goldberg | Mark Levin | Jennifer Flackett EPISODE 2.05 “The Planned Parenthood Show” An argument in sex ed class turns into a skit-tastic journey through the worlds of Planned Parenthood, contraceptives and STDs. WRITTEN BY: Emily Altman DIRECTED BY: Bryan Francis ORIGINAL BROADCAST: October 5, 2018 NOTE: This is a transcription of the spoken dialogue and audio, with time-code reference, provided without cost by 8FLiX.com for your entertainment, convenience, and study. This version may not be exactly as written in the original script; however, the intellectual property is still reserved by the original source and may be subject to copyright. MAIN EPISODE CAST Nick Kroll ... Nick Birch / Maury the Hormone Monster / Coach Steve Steve / Rick the Hormone Monster / Pubes (voice) John Mulaney ... Andrew Glouberman / Detective Florez (voice) Jessi Klein ... Jessi Glaser (voice) Jason Mantzoukas ... Jay Bilzerian (voice) Jenny Slate ... Missy Foreman-Greenwald (voice) Fred Armisen ... Elliot Birch / Bob the Hormone Monster (voice) Maya Rudolph ... Diane Birch / Connie the Hormone Monstress / Principal Barren (voice) Jordan Peele ... Featuring Ludacris (voice) Bobby Cannavale ... Gavin the Hormone Monster (voice) Neil Casey ... Detective Dumont / D.N. Ape (voice) Jessica Chaffin ... Shannon Glaser / Grace (voice) Jon Daly ... Judd Birch (voice) Kat Dennings ... Leah Birch / Lorriane the Hormone Monstress (voice) Nathan Fillion ... Nathan Fillion (voice) John Gemberling ... Tyler the Hormone Monster (voice) Natasha Lyonne ... Suzette / Intellect Sphinx (voice) Gil Ozeri ... Brad (voice) Andrew Rannells ... Matthew (voice) Jean Smart ... Depression Kitty (voice) David Thewlis ... Shame Wizard (voice) Joe Wengert ... Stan the Hormone Monster / Ambition Gremlin (voice) 1 00:00:07,465 --> 00:00:09,592 ["Changes" playing] 2 00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:15,598 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 3 00:00:19,185 --> 00:00:25,442 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 4 00:00:25,525 --> 00:00:27,944 ♪ Oh, in my life ♪ 5 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:31,990 ♪ Oh, ooh, ooh ♪ 6 00:00:40,665 --> 00:00:42,375 -[bell rings] -[Coach Steve] All right, guys. 7 00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:45,295 Today we're focusing on sexual education, 8 00:00:45,378 --> 00:00:48,173 which I am now qualified to teach, 9 00:00:48,256 --> 00:00:51,718 because I recently made thick in the warm. 10 00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:54,179 -Any questions? -Yeah. Nick Birch, row three. 11 00:00:54,262 --> 00:00:56,222 When you say "thick in the warm," 12 00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:58,641 -what do you mean by that? -I had the same question. 13 00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:01,978 I'm talkin' about emptying my guts into a lady. 14 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,646 Who could be anyone's mom. 15 00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:04,814 Oh, I see. 16 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:09,402 So the lady is the warm, and then Coach Steve, he makes the thick? 17 00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:10,612 -Oof! -Ugh! 18 00:01:10,695 --> 00:01:12,405 I hope you at least wore a condom. 19 00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:15,617 A yogurt balloon? No. Those things taste terrible. 20 00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:17,702 Aren't you worried about getting the woman pregnant? 21 00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:18,953 Or like getting an STD? 22 00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:22,123 Oh, I didn't even think of that. I was so busy gooping. 23 00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:24,793 Maybe you should go to a doctor or a Planned Parenthood. 24 00:01:24,876 --> 00:01:26,252 What's Planned Parenthood? 25 00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:27,837 It's an abortion factory. 26 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,839 Jay, you don't know what you're talking about. 27 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,800 You've never even been to a Planned Parenthood. 28 00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:35,011 Oh, for your information, I've been in the car a number of times 29 00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,055 when my dad has dropped off his receptionist there, 30 00:01:37,138 --> 00:01:38,765 and he calls it an abortion factory. 31 00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:40,308 Yeah, we've seen his law commercials. 32 00:01:40,391 --> 00:01:43,103 Don't forget his Twitter feed. Pretty outspoken on Twitter. 33 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:45,647 I'm sorry, but they do a lot more than abortions. 34 00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:47,023 Yeah, they save lives. 35 00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,942 -By killing babies? -Jay, please stop. 36 00:01:49,025 --> 00:01:50,401 Watch YouTube, guys. 37 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:51,945 Just watch YouTube. 38 00:01:52,028 --> 00:01:54,447 Oh, gentlemen, I think Jessi is referring to cancer screenings. 39 00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:56,157 [stutters] I don't understand. 40 00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:58,409 Do you have some sort of skit we can watch 41 00:01:58,493 --> 00:02:00,245 that would be entertaining and informative, 42 00:02:00,328 --> 00:02:02,122 but also not too preachy? 43 00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:03,957 Ooh! That is a fine line we're trying to walk. 44 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,334 -Well, we're gonna do our best. -All right. 45 00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:08,920 [Missy reading out on-screen text] 46 00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:31,067 Captain, we're getting an urgent transmission. 47 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,945 A female on Texania is due for a pap smear. 48 00:02:34,028 --> 00:02:35,446 Chewbacca sound! 49 00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:37,490 Affirmative. Initiate hyper speed. 50 00:02:38,199 --> 00:02:39,951 [swooshing] 51 00:02:40,034 --> 00:02:43,079 Texania. That's Bilzerian territory. 52 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,206 Don't worry, Missy. I'll protect you. 53 00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:46,958 -Well, I'll protect her, too. -Oh! 54 00:02:47,041 --> 00:02:50,044 General Fillion and Janitor Glouberman, though I'm flattered, 55 00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:52,130 I'm fully capable of protecting myself. 56 00:02:52,213 --> 00:02:53,548 Excuse me, am I a janitor? 57 00:02:53,631 --> 00:02:55,925 Every person on this team is equally important. 58 00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:58,720 Even the person who throws our feces out of the window by hand. 59 00:02:58,803 --> 00:03:01,389 Whoa. What? Why do I have to do it that way? 60 00:03:01,472 --> 00:03:03,808 Uh, fuck you, Glouberman, and go wash your hands. 61 00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,727 No matter how much you wash your hands, 62 00:03:05,810 --> 00:03:07,770 a trace amount of feces will always remain. 63 00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:08,688 [groans] 64 00:03:10,106 --> 00:03:12,192 [Fillion] Captain, our sensors have detected 65 00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:13,860 a Bilzerian patrol in the area. 66 00:03:13,943 --> 00:03:15,445 [Caleb] The patient is ready. 67 00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:17,864 Brace yourself, people! Initiating shrink down. 68 00:03:17,947 --> 00:03:21,117 I wish there was a way to shrink my burning desire to be with you, Missy. 69 00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,328 Well, I wish we could shrink the feces. 70 00:03:23,411 --> 00:03:25,455 I mean we obviously have the technology. 71 00:03:25,538 --> 00:03:27,874 [Missy] Prepare for pelvic exam! 72 00:03:29,417 --> 00:03:32,837 [Andrew] You know, I'll never get used to this part of the job. 73 00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:36,299 Extending the swab, Captain. 74 00:03:37,425 --> 00:03:40,136 Okay, now scan the sample for abnormal cells. 75 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,263 Captain, another ship has entered the vagina. 76 00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:45,141 What sort of space ship would enter a vagina without consent? 77 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,560 -The Bilzerians. -Yeah, the Bilzerians. 78 00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:48,937 I was totally gonna say that. 79 00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:50,438 You heard me say it first, though. Right, Missy? 80 00:03:50,521 --> 00:03:51,731 Oh, boys. Please. 81 00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:58,947 Attention! Your ship is in violation of Bilzerian Space Law 69, 82 00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:01,491 but only on the guy. Surrender immediately. 83 00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:03,743 Not on my watch, friend.