CREATED BY Nick Kroll | Andrew Goldberg | Mark Levin | Jennifer Flackett
EPISODE 2.05
“The Planned Parenthood Show”
An argument in sex ed class turns into a skit-tastic journey through the worlds of Planned Parenthood, contraceptives and STDs.
WRITTEN BY: Emily Altman
DIRECTED BY: Bryan Francis
ORIGINAL BROADCAST: October 5, 2018
NOTE: This is a transcription of the spoken dialogue and audio, with time-code reference, provided without cost by 8FLiX.com for your entertainment, convenience, and study. This version may not be exactly as written in the original script; however, the intellectual property is still reserved by the original source and may be subject to copyright.
MAIN EPISODE CAST
Nick Kroll ... Nick Birch / Maury the Hormone Monster / Coach Steve Steve / Rick the Hormone Monster / Pubes (voice)
John Mulaney ... Andrew Glouberman / Detective Florez (voice)
Jessi Klein ... Jessi Glaser (voice) Jason Mantzoukas ... Jay Bilzerian (voice) Jenny Slate ... Missy Foreman-Greenwald (voice) Fred Armisen ... Elliot Birch / Bob the Hormone Monster (voice)
Maya Rudolph ... Diane Birch / Connie the Hormone Monstress / Principal Barren (voice)
Jordan Peele ... Featuring Ludacris (voice) Bobby Cannavale ... Gavin the Hormone Monster (voice) Neil Casey ... Detective Dumont / D.N. Ape (voice) Jessica Chaffin ... Shannon Glaser / Grace (voice) Jon Daly ... Judd Birch (voice) Kat Dennings ... Leah Birch / Lorriane the Hormone Monstress (voice)
Nathan Fillion ... Nathan Fillion (voice) John Gemberling ... Tyler the Hormone Monster (voice) Natasha Lyonne ... Suzette / Intellect Sphinx (voice) Gil Ozeri ... Brad (voice) Andrew Rannells ... Matthew (voice) Jean Smart ... Depression Kitty (voice) David Thewlis ... Shame Wizard (voice) Joe Wengert ... Stan the Hormone Monster / Ambition Gremlin (voice)
1 00:00:07,465 --> 00:00:09,592 ["Changes" playing]
2 00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:15,598 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪
3 00:00:19,185 --> 00:00:25,442 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪
4 00:00:25,525 --> 00:00:27,944 ♪ Oh, in my life ♪
5 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:31,990 ♪ Oh, ooh, ooh ♪
6 00:00:40,665 --> 00:00:42,375 -[bell rings] -[Coach Steve] All right, guys.
7 00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:45,295 Today we're focusing on sexual education,
8 00:00:45,378 --> 00:00:48,173 which I am now qualified to teach,
9 00:00:48,256 --> 00:00:51,718 because I recently made thick in the warm.
10 00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:54,179 -Any questions? -Yeah. Nick Birch, row three.
11 00:00:54,262 --> 00:00:56,222 When you say "thick in the warm,"
12 00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:58,641 -what do you mean by that? -I had the same question.
13 00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:01,978 I'm talkin' about emptying my guts into a lady.
14 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:03,646 Who could be anyone's mom.
15 00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:04,814 Oh, I see.
16 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:09,402 So the lady is the warm, and then Coach Steve, he makes the thick?
17 00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:10,612 -Oof! -Ugh!
18 00:01:10,695 --> 00:01:12,405 I hope you at least wore a condom.
19 00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:15,617 A yogurt balloon? No. Those things taste terrible.
20 00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:17,702 Aren't you worried about getting the woman pregnant?
21 00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:18,953 Or like getting an STD?
22 00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:22,123 Oh, I didn't even think of that. I was so busy gooping.
23 00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:24,793 Maybe you should go to a doctor or a Planned Parenthood.
24 00:01:24,876 --> 00:01:26,252 What's Planned Parenthood?
25 00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:27,837 It's an abortion factory.
26 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,839 Jay, you don't know what you're talking about.
27 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,800 You've never even been to a Planned Parenthood.
28 00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:35,011 Oh, for your information, I've been in the car a number of times
29 00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,055 when my dad has dropped off his receptionist there,
30 00:01:37,138 --> 00:01:38,765 and he calls it an abortion factory.
31 00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:40,308 Yeah, we've seen his law commercials.
32 00:01:40,391 --> 00:01:43,103 Don't forget his Twitter feed. Pretty outspoken on Twitter.
33 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:45,647 I'm sorry, but they do a lot more than abortions.
34 00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:47,023 Yeah, they save lives.
35 00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,942 -By killing babies? -Jay, please stop.
36 00:01:49,025 --> 00:01:50,401 Watch YouTube, guys.
37 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:51,945 Just watch YouTube.
38 00:01:52,028 --> 00:01:54,447 Oh, gentlemen, I think Jessi is referring to cancer screenings.
39 00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:56,157 [stutters] I don't understand.
40 00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:58,409 Do you have some sort of skit we can watch
41 00:01:58,493 --> 00:02:00,245 that would be entertaining and informative,
42 00:02:00,328 --> 00:02:02,122 but also not too preachy?
43 00:02:02,205 --> 00:02:03,957 Ooh! That is a fine line we're trying to walk.
44 00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,334 -Well, we're gonna do our best. -All right.
45 00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:08,920 [Missy reading out on-screen text]
46 00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:31,067 Captain, we're getting an urgent transmission.
47 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,945 A female on Texania is due for a pap smear.
48 00:02:34,028 --> 00:02:35,446 Chewbacca sound!
49 00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:37,490 Affirmative. Initiate hyper speed.
50 00:02:38,199 --> 00:02:39,951 [swooshing]
51 00:02:40,034 --> 00:02:43,079 Texania. That's Bilzerian territory.
52 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,206 Don't worry, Missy. I'll protect you.
53 00:02:45,290 --> 00:02:46,958 -Well, I'll protect her, too. -Oh!
54 00:02:47,041 --> 00:02:50,044 General Fillion and Janitor Glouberman, though I'm flattered,
55 00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:52,130 I'm fully capable of protecting myself.
56 00:02:52,213 --> 00:02:53,548 Excuse me, am I a janitor?
57 00:02:53,631 --> 00:02:55,925 Every person on this team is equally important.
58 00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:58,720 Even the person who throws our feces out of the window by hand.
59 00:02:58,803 --> 00:03:01,389 Whoa. What? Why do I have to do it that way?
60 00:03:01,472 --> 00:03:03,808 Uh, fuck you, Glouberman, and go wash your hands.
61 00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:05,727 No matter how much you wash your hands,
62 00:03:05,810 --> 00:03:07,770 a trace amount of feces will always remain.
63 00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:08,688 [groans]
64 00:03:10,106 --> 00:03:12,192 [Fillion] Captain, our sensors have detected
65 00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:13,860 a Bilzerian patrol in the area.
66 00:03:13,943 --> 00:03:15,445 [Caleb] The patient is ready.
67 00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:17,864 Brace yourself, people! Initiating shrink down.
68 00:03:17,947 --> 00:03:21,117 I wish there was a way to shrink my burning desire to be with you, Missy.
69 00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:23,328 Well, I wish we could shrink the feces.
70 00:03:23,411 --> 00:03:25,455 I mean we obviously have the technology.
71 00:03:25,538 --> 00:03:27,874 [Missy] Prepare for pelvic exam!
72 00:03:29,417 --> 00:03:32,837 [Andrew] You know, I'll never get used to this part of the job.
73 00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:36,299 Extending the swab, Captain.
74 00:03:37,425 --> 00:03:40,136 Okay, now scan the sample for abnormal cells.
75 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,263 Captain, another ship has entered the vagina.
76 00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:45,141 What sort of space ship would enter a vagina without consent?
77 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,560 -The Bilzerians. -Yeah, the Bilzerians.
78 00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:48,937 I was totally gonna say that.
79 00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:50,438 You heard me say it first, though. Right, Missy?
80 00:03:50,521 --> 00:03:51,731 Oh, boys. Please.
81 00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:58,947 Attention! Your ship is in violation of Bilzerian Space Law 69,
82 00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:01,491 but only on the guy. Surrender immediately.
83 00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:03,743 Not on my watch, friend.
84 00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:07,830 We'll lose them in the fallopian tubes. I guarantee it.
85 00:04:08,206 --> 00:04:09,374 Whoa! Gonna be a tight squeeze.
86 00:04:09,457 --> 00:04:12,043 [Fillion] Oh, Missy, if anyone can do it, you can.
87 00:04:12,126 --> 00:04:13,503 [Andrew] Kiss butt much, Fillion?
88 00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:14,796 [Fillion] I'd rather kiss butt
89 00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:17,590 than take what comes out of a butt by hand and fling it out the window.
90 00:04:17,674 --> 00:04:19,926 You know, you're 50 years old.
91 00:04:20,009 --> 00:04:22,929 Missy, I need you to know I am only in my mid-forties.
92 00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:25,932 [Missy] Oh, sweet mother Gaia.
93 00:04:26,015 --> 00:04:29,269 Look at all of these beautiful ova.
94 00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:32,105 When the average woman is born, she has 300,000 eggs.
95 00:04:32,188 --> 00:04:34,023 Gracious me! Do you see what I see?
96 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,608 An ovarian cyst!
97 00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:38,319 Oh, fuck. I mean, Chewbacca sound!
98 00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:40,154 We have to remove in case it ruptures.
99 00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:41,364 I'm goin' out there.
100 00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:43,157 No, Missy. It's too dangerous.
101 00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:46,577 -For once, I agree with Mr. Shit. -Do you see how mean he is to me?
102 00:04:46,661 --> 00:04:47,912 Guys, I have to do it.
103 00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:50,331 This woman's reproductive health might be at stake.
104 00:04:52,250 --> 00:04:53,626 [Missy] Approaching cyst.
105 00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:55,795 It looks... it looks cyst-y.
106 00:04:57,588 --> 00:04:59,007 [Fillion] Missy, we've got a problem.
107 00:04:59,090 --> 00:05:02,010 [Andrew] Is it that you're 46 and she's 13?
108 00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:03,344 Stop right there.
109 00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:05,013 We've got you surrounded.
110 00:05:05,096 --> 00:05:07,765 Any last requests, science lesbo?
111 00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:10,059 Well, actually, yes. Just one.
112 00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:13,604 I ask you to look around
113 00:05:13,688 --> 00:05:16,941 at the majesty of the female reproductive system,
114 00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:19,152 because it is this very system
115 00:05:19,235 --> 00:05:22,530 that brings each and every one of us into the world.
116 00:05:22,613 --> 00:05:24,282 Even you, Bilzerians.
117 00:05:24,365 --> 00:05:25,533 You are of us.
118 00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:27,285 You know, she's right.
119 00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:30,538 The female reproductive system is how you make...
120 00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:32,915 -boys. -Go now, Missy,
121 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:36,669 and I will see to it that we protect these beautiful factories
122 00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:38,046 for male excellence.
123 00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:40,381 -Come on, boys! -Dudes!
124 00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:44,427 Okay, not exactly the point I was making, but, uh, I'll take it!
125 00:05:44,510 --> 00:05:45,803 Vagina wipe!
126 00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:49,474 Missy, we've analyzed the cells, and our patient is gonna be okay.
127 00:05:49,557 --> 00:05:51,726 What an exciting adventure this has been.
128 00:05:51,809 --> 00:05:54,145 Yes, it really makes you think about what's important.
129 00:05:54,228 --> 00:05:56,939 Andrew, I'm sorry that you're a shit flinger.
130 00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:59,609 And I'm sorry that all your shows got canceled.
131 00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:00,568 [laughs]
132 00:06:00,651 --> 00:06:03,321 Touché. Perhaps we're more alike than we care to admit.
133 00:06:03,404 --> 00:06:06,074 Andrew, would you be willing to dance the merengue with me
134 00:06:06,157 --> 00:06:08,993 while we both make searing eye contact with Missy?
135 00:06:09,077 --> 00:06:11,621 Sí, señor. A thousand times sí.
136 00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:14,874 Chewbacca sound!
137 00:06:14,957 --> 00:06:16,125 Wow-wow-wow!
138 00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,294 You said it, baby. [Chewbacca sound]
139 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:19,337 Ugh!
140 00:06:19,420 --> 00:06:20,546 Okay, fine.
141 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:23,883 Maybe Planned Parenthood does a couple cancer screenings.
142 00:06:23,966 --> 00:06:27,053 -But it's mostly abortions. -Oh, common misconception, Jay.
143 00:06:27,136 --> 00:06:29,847 Abortions make up only a tiny percentage of what they do.
144 00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:31,557 Yeah, they also do breast exams.
145 00:06:31,641 --> 00:06:33,976 Which I've already offered to do for free
146 00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:35,645 for all the girls in the class.
147 00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:38,398 In fact, I'll pay you in Bitcoin.
148 00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:39,941 Kid's a financial genius.
149 00:06:40,024 --> 00:06:43,027 Why aren't you offering girls money to touch their tits?
150 00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:44,737 Because it's prostitution.
151 00:06:44,821 --> 00:06:47,281 Not if you do it so good, she falls in love with you.
152 00:06:47,365 --> 00:06:48,658 You know it's possible, right?
153 00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:50,910 Also, Planned Parenthood offers birth control
154 00:06:50,993 --> 00:06:53,204 to literally millions of people.
155 00:06:53,287 --> 00:06:54,664 -[Coach Steve] Bird control? -What?
156 00:06:54,747 --> 00:06:55,623 Good luck.
157 00:06:55,706 --> 00:06:58,376 Everybody says that pigeons are the rats of the sky,
158 00:06:58,459 --> 00:06:59,836 but let me tell you something,
159 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:03,423 they're the Einsteins of the diaper barge where I live.
160 00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:06,217 I think the person who had sex with you may have committed a crime.
161 00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:09,512 -[softly] Yeah. -Steve, we're talking about contraception.
162 00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:13,850 Again, if you had some sort of skit that referenced a TV show,
163 00:07:13,933 --> 00:07:16,519 I might have a shot at understanding.
164 00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:18,271 Okay, you broken Roomba.
165 00:07:18,354 --> 00:07:22,108 I wish I had wheels, running into walls and whatnot.
166 00:07:23,901 --> 00:07:25,778 Babies, they're like tuna melts.
167 00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:28,531 They sound good, but do you really want one right now?
168 00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:31,451 I don't want a baby or a tuna melt.
169 00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:32,785 The tuna is all hot,
170 00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:35,413 and a baby is, like, a lot of responsibility.
171 00:07:35,496 --> 00:07:38,166 That's why tonight, we're gonna help Leah find...
172 00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:40,751 the perfect contraception!
173 00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,589 Leah, let's meet your choices, girl.
174 00:07:44,672 --> 00:07:46,048 I'm so excited.
175 00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:48,759 Okay, easy, Anne Hathaway. [laughs] Calm down.
176 00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:52,972 Hi, Leah.
177 00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:56,225 -Umm! What's up? -Oh, wow!
178 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,185 Nice to meet you.
179 00:07:57,268 --> 00:07:58,895 Did we just hug? I couldn't feel anything.
180 00:07:58,978 --> 00:08:00,188 Yeah, we definitely hugged.
181 00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:02,773 [chuckles] Just kidding. I felt it a tiny bit. It was okay.
182 00:08:04,025 --> 00:08:05,526 Hi, Leah, I'm the pill.
183 00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:08,362 Let's get right to it. I need to know you're serious.
184 00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:09,447 Uh, I think I am.
185 00:08:09,530 --> 00:08:12,700 No, no, no, you have to make a commitment to me every day.
186 00:08:12,783 --> 00:08:15,244 -What if I forget? -Then every day for the rest of your life,
187 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:17,288 -you're gonna have a tuna melt. -Ugh!
188 00:08:18,414 --> 00:08:21,626 Hey, girl, I'm surgically implanted in your arm for up to three years.
189 00:08:21,709 --> 00:08:24,587 With me, just set it and forget it, let the dude just slam it home.
190 00:08:24,670 --> 00:08:27,048 Slam it home? Is that what sex is like?
191 00:08:27,131 --> 00:08:28,758 Uh, through college at least.
192 00:08:29,675 --> 00:08:30,801 [coughs]
193 00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:34,180 We both know you're not gonna pick me.
194 00:08:34,263 --> 00:08:36,766 -I'm just here for the buffet. -Uh, okay.
195 00:08:36,849 --> 00:08:39,519 Your mother and I were really good friends.
196 00:08:41,020 --> 00:08:42,438 I'm an IUD.
197 00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:45,399 I'm incredibly effective, but it's going to hurt going in.
198 00:08:45,483 --> 00:08:50,112 -But perhaps you like a little pain. -Oh, your lips are freezing.
199 00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:52,240 [sighs]
200 00:08:52,698 --> 00:08:54,242 Hey, hey, what's up?
201 00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:56,202 -I'm the Pull Out Method. -Oh, hi.
202 00:08:56,285 --> 00:08:58,871 Oh, whoa! Were we about to kiss, babe?
203 00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:01,040 Um, excuse me, his hand is on my boob.
204 00:09:01,123 --> 00:09:03,709 Hey, get off of her! Go to the mansion and get some wine.
205 00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:06,587 Don't threaten me with a good time. [hiccups]
206 00:09:07,171 --> 00:09:10,550 The cocktail party was a great way to get to know my options a little better
207 00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:12,051 while eating coconut shrimp.
208 00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:17,014 Honey, can you get me a doggy bag for the mango salsa?
209 00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:20,476 Seven of them are sugar pills, but I'd take them just to keep track.
210 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,686 Sounds complicated.
211 00:09:21,769 --> 00:09:23,771 Wait, so do I get my period during those days?
212 00:09:23,854 --> 00:09:25,523 Yeah, it's kind of a bummer, but--
213 00:09:25,606 --> 00:09:27,608 I'm sorry, can I just steal you for a sec?
214 00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:28,818 Oh. Let me just...
215 00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:29,986 I hate talking shit,
216 00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:33,322 but none of these other choices prevent STDs.
217 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,741 -Oh! -Babe, babe, baby...
218 00:09:35,825 --> 00:09:38,786 I just wanna be close to you with nothing in between us.
219 00:09:38,869 --> 00:09:40,830 -Is that so wrong? -I guess not?
220 00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:45,751 Also, with these other methods, you don't get that sweet belly blam.
221 00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:46,752 Oh!
222 00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:53,676 Well, Leah, it's time.
223 00:09:54,510 --> 00:09:57,763 This is the hardest choice I have ever had to make.
224 00:09:57,847 --> 00:10:02,310 You are all so special, but I have to go with my heart and pick...
225 00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:04,437 [clock ticking]
226 00:10:16,532 --> 00:10:17,825 The Pull Out Method!
227 00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:18,826 Yes!
228 00:10:18,951 --> 00:10:21,078 I cannot wait to come inside you.
229 00:10:21,162 --> 00:10:22,622 -[The Implant] Oh, man. -Wrong choice.
230 00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:24,040 [kissing, moaning]
231 00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:24,999 Oh, yeah.
232 00:10:25,082 --> 00:10:26,417 There it is, ladies and gentlemen.
233 00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:28,711 Another teenager making a terrible life choice.
234 00:10:28,794 --> 00:10:31,005 -Cut! Nope. Turn the lights on. -[man] Yeah.
235 00:10:31,088 --> 00:10:33,507 -Oh. -You are not picking the Pull Out Method.
236 00:10:33,591 --> 00:10:34,967 Mom, we love each other!
237 00:10:35,051 --> 00:10:37,219 -Whoa! Your mom is hot. -I know this guy.
238 00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:39,263 He gave me chlamydia.
239 00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:41,015 You are beautiful.
240 00:10:41,098 --> 00:10:42,892 Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
241 00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:45,061 You're going on the pill, and you're using condoms.
242 00:10:45,144 --> 00:10:46,312 -Yes. -Come to me, baby.
243 00:10:46,395 --> 00:10:48,230 -And that's final, young lady. -Double up.
244 00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:50,066 Diane, is that you?
245 00:10:50,149 --> 00:10:52,735 I haven't seen you since senior prom.
246 00:10:52,818 --> 00:10:55,696 -Yeah. -Michael Villareal? Hello.
247 00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:57,948 -He was a catch. -Yeah. How are you doing?
248 00:10:58,032 --> 00:11:00,451 -I'm dying, Diane. -Oh, uh...
249 00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:01,702 Bone cancer.
250 00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:03,287 Sorry to hear that. Leah, let's go.
251 00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:04,705 It spread to my feet.
252 00:11:05,122 --> 00:11:07,416 Honestly, it's just at this point, like a disappointment,
253 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,710 like, it's hard enough to be open in today's world,
254 00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:11,671 and I offered to be fully implanted,
255 00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:14,799 and I think that is a rare find to just meet a contraceptive that's like,
256 00:11:14,882 --> 00:11:15,966 "I will implant today,
257 00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:18,803 and I can guarantee you that I'll be there for you for three years,"
258 00:11:18,886 --> 00:11:20,137 but if that's not enough,
259 00:11:20,221 --> 00:11:22,223 maybe she's not the person I should be protecting.
260 00:11:22,306 --> 00:11:24,975 Maybe I should be protecting myself, 'cause obviously I'm hurt now.
261 00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:27,770 [sobs] Maybe I should just put a fucking condom over my own self.
262 00:11:29,730 --> 00:11:32,942 Well, in the end, I think she made a wise choice.
263 00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:36,320 Coming up next, the finale of Spatula in Paradise.
264 00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:38,948 You're both such amazing spatulas,
265 00:11:39,031 --> 00:11:41,867 so this is one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make,
266 00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:43,327 but I'm going to choose...
267 00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:46,664 -the metal one. -They're both metal.
268 00:11:46,747 --> 00:11:48,624 The one I did pancakes with.
269 00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:52,378 Wow! I never realized women had to make so many birth control choices.
270 00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:54,505 Well, men need to take responsibility too, though.
271 00:11:54,588 --> 00:11:55,965 Beautifully said, Jessi.
272 00:11:56,048 --> 00:11:57,800 Dad, wh... what are you doing here?
273 00:11:57,883 --> 00:12:00,136 Nickie, I knew you would've been so embarrassed
274 00:12:00,219 --> 00:12:02,596 if I didn't come and tell your entire sex ed class
275 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:05,182 -about my decision to get a vasectomy. -A vasectomy?
276 00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:08,269 Your mother and I are making a commitment to pleasure.
277 00:12:08,352 --> 00:12:10,229 -What does that mean? -Please don't ask him that.
278 00:12:10,312 --> 00:12:11,731 Okay, everybody, from now on,
279 00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:14,066 my erotic ministrations with Nickie's mother
280 00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:17,403 will be purely an expression of lust and gratitude.
281 00:12:17,486 --> 00:12:19,113 -We're done here. -No more babies.
282 00:12:19,196 --> 00:12:21,407 -Just knee buckling orgasms. -Dad--
283 00:12:21,490 --> 00:12:23,617 To say I'm eager to please is an understatement.
284 00:12:23,701 --> 00:12:26,954 Wow, Dr. Birch. You're a real partner in family planning with your wife.
285 00:12:27,037 --> 00:12:30,624 Well, Mrs. Birch's birth control was robbing her of her natural moisture.
286 00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:32,752 Ooh! What, are we talking about, your mom's NM?
287 00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:34,170 -Jay-- -Natural Moisture.
288 00:12:34,253 --> 00:12:37,173 Dad, get out of here and go get your vasectomy already. [laughs]
289 00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:38,340 -Okay? -You got it, Nickie,
290 00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:40,050 but you're coming on the journey...
291 00:12:40,134 --> 00:12:41,635 -[softly] ...with me. -Oh, dear Lord.
292 00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:45,765 [Elliot] It all started in Brooklyn, my hometown.
293 00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:50,019 Land of the Dodgers, Coney Island and Nathan's Famous dogs.
294 00:12:50,102 --> 00:12:52,646 These were dogs that had their own head shots.
295 00:12:52,730 --> 00:12:55,107 The year was 1955.
296 00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:56,567 Hold on. 1955?
297 00:12:56,650 --> 00:12:58,360 No. You weren't even born yet, Dad.
298 00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:00,362 Not to mention, Nathan's sells hot dogs.
299 00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,490 Oh, they were hot, Nickie. Red hot.
300 00:13:02,573 --> 00:13:05,326 -The biggest stars in the country. -So the dogs were movie stars.
301 00:13:05,409 --> 00:13:06,535 It's my vasectomy.
302 00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,454 I'll tell the story how I want.
303 00:13:08,537 --> 00:13:10,039 [Elliot] The first year of my residency,
304 00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:12,750 I was working nights at a 1950s themed diner,
305 00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:14,168 which back then was just a diner,
306 00:13:14,251 --> 00:13:18,547 when in walked the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen: your mother.
307 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:21,550 -Hi, I'm Diane Keaton. -[Nick] That's not Mom's maiden name.
308 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,761 I'm an independent woman who's sexually liberated.
309 00:13:23,844 --> 00:13:25,012 That's why I'm wearing pants.
310 00:13:25,095 --> 00:13:27,306 [Elliot] She was a woman who knew what she wanted.
311 00:13:27,389 --> 00:13:29,767 Pants, and also your old man,
312 00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:33,020 who was a young man then in 1955.
313 00:13:33,103 --> 00:13:36,440 I was smitten, Nickie. And one night, your mother called me over
314 00:13:36,524 --> 00:13:38,025 because a lobster was attacking her.
315 00:13:38,108 --> 00:13:40,611 I came as soon as my analyst told me you called.
316 00:13:40,694 --> 00:13:42,112 [Nick] Is that a Woody Allen thing?
317 00:13:42,196 --> 00:13:45,115 I've never seen any of his movies, 'cause Mom says he's a monster.
318 00:13:45,199 --> 00:13:46,700 [Elliot] And I saved your mother
319 00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:49,703 -by giving the lobster a tennis racket. -[Nick] Okay, I'm gonna stop you.
320 00:13:49,787 --> 00:13:51,580 I thought this was the story of your vasectomy.
321 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,541 It's about our family. Anyway...
322 00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:57,002 Elliot, we've done oral to each other a number of times,
323 00:13:57,086 --> 00:13:58,838 but now I wanna have sex with you.
324 00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:00,381 You mean, make love.
325 00:14:00,464 --> 00:14:01,674 Ugh! Sure.
326 00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:04,802 [Nick] So what is this, the night that you guys conceived Judd?
327 00:14:04,885 --> 00:14:07,388 [Elliot] Not that night, Nickie, because it was during the day.
328 00:14:07,471 --> 00:14:09,640 Your mother rolled a condom on slowly.
329 00:14:09,723 --> 00:14:14,562 My penis was as hard as it is for me to watch you kids grow up so fast.
330 00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:16,814 [Nick] Dad, this is unforgivable.
331 00:14:16,897 --> 00:14:19,066 [Elliot] Flash forward to the 1970s.
332 00:14:19,149 --> 00:14:21,110 The year was 1955.
333 00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:24,989 Your mother and I, now married, were ready to start a family.
334 00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:28,409 Diane, I long to be with child.
335 00:14:28,784 --> 00:14:30,828 Well, then you can't use those condoms you love.
336 00:14:30,911 --> 00:14:33,497 [Elliot] Now that was the night we conceived Judd.
337 00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:36,041 [Nick] Dad, are you on a bunch of painkillers for your surgery?
338 00:14:36,125 --> 00:14:38,919 I am. It's the Randy Quaid cocktail.
339 00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:42,756 [Elliot] A few years later, flash forward to 1955.
340 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,259 It was the '80s, and greed was good.
341 00:14:45,342 --> 00:14:47,136 Look, I'm the movie Baby Boom.
342 00:14:47,219 --> 00:14:49,722 I've got career on the brain, but also these three kids.
343 00:14:49,805 --> 00:14:50,806 So now I'm on the pill.
344 00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,600 Folks, what's the deal with baths?
345 00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:54,226 Why do I never wanna take one?
346 00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:56,854 But then once I'm out, and I come down in my pajammies,
347 00:14:56,937 --> 00:14:57,813 I'm so happy.
348 00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:00,232 Anyway, that's my time. You've been a great family.
349 00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:01,150 Good night.
350 00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:02,443 [farting]
351 00:15:02,526 --> 00:15:04,361 [Elliot] Our family was complete,
352 00:15:04,445 --> 00:15:07,740 and now it's my turn to take over our reproductive destiny,
353 00:15:07,823 --> 00:15:09,408 by getting a vasectomy.
354 00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:12,995 Nickie, my final child, hold my soft moist hand
355 00:15:13,078 --> 00:15:15,664 while this crustacean slices open my scrotum.
356 00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:16,582 Oof!
357 00:15:16,665 --> 00:15:18,584 -I love you, Nickie. -I love you too, Dad.
358 00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:20,753 [muffled shouting]
359 00:15:24,048 --> 00:15:26,675 Barbara, did you touch my box of peach pits?
360 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:29,762 I'm looking for the one I was sucking on the toilet last week. It's not here.
361 00:15:29,845 --> 00:15:32,264 You're asking me if I took your toilet pit?
362 00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:34,683 Yeah, I like to suck the fiber out of the ridges.
363 00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:37,019 This one was perfect. It was a sucker's dream.
364 00:15:37,102 --> 00:15:38,979 No, Marty. I did not.
365 00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:41,982 Fine. Andrew! Did you lay your grubby hands on my pits?
366 00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:43,609 [groans]
367 00:15:43,692 --> 00:15:45,486 [man on radio] You're listening to the radio,
368 00:15:45,569 --> 00:15:49,114 which means you're either in a rental car or the community room in nursing home.
369 00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:51,450 Up next, another song we've chosen for you.
370 00:15:51,533 --> 00:15:53,577 Deee-Lite's 1990 classic,
371 00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:54,787 "Groove Is in the Heart."
372 00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:02,336 ♪ Dig ♪
373 00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:12,680 ♪ The chills that you spill up my back ♪
374 00:16:12,763 --> 00:16:15,307 ♪ Keep me filled with satisfaction When we're done ♪
375 00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:17,810 ♪ Satisfaction of what's to come ♪
376 00:16:17,893 --> 00:16:20,646 ♪ No, I couldn't ask for another ♪
377 00:16:22,064 --> 00:16:24,066 [playing notes]
378 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:37,496 ♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
379 00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:41,000 ♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
380 00:16:41,917 --> 00:16:44,920 ♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
381 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,006 ♪ Astronomical ♪
382 00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:49,383 [playing notes]
383 00:16:56,932 --> 00:16:59,643 -♪ Watch out ♪ -♪ The depth of hula groove ♪
384 00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:01,603 ♪ Move us to the nth hoop ♪
385 00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:04,648 ♪ We're going through to Horton hears a who ♪
386 00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:08,235 ♪ I couldn't ask for another ♪
387 00:17:09,236 --> 00:17:12,031 ♪ No, I couldn't ask for another ♪
388 00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:15,534 ♪ DJ Soul was on a roll ♪
389 00:17:15,617 --> 00:17:17,745 ♪ I been told he can't be sold ♪
390 00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:21,498 ♪ Not vicious or malicious Just de-lovely and delicious ♪
391 00:17:21,582 --> 00:17:24,251 ♪ I couldn't ask for another ♪
392 00:17:24,334 --> 00:17:25,335 -[thud] -♪ Sing it ♪
393 00:17:25,419 --> 00:17:28,672 ♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
394 00:17:29,089 --> 00:17:33,177 ♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
395 00:17:33,260 --> 00:17:37,139 ♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
396 00:17:37,222 --> 00:17:40,350 ♪ Groove is in the heart ♪
397 00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:51,737 -I do. -[woman] One, two--
398 00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:52,654 I do.
399 00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:55,032 [music playing]
400 00:17:59,953 --> 00:18:01,955 ♪ Blow them all along ♪
401 00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:07,920 Well, what are we gonna name him?
402 00:18:08,003 --> 00:18:10,631 How about... Andrew?
403 00:18:10,714 --> 00:18:12,758 Andrew. Andrew?
404 00:18:12,841 --> 00:18:15,094 Andrew! Andrew!
405 00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:16,428 Yeah, that works.
406 00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:20,432 Mom, I threw one of Dad's peach pits at an aggressive squirrel,
407 00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:23,435 -and I think he knows. Help me. -[Marty] I heard that! Andrew!
408 00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:24,353 Aw!
409 00:18:24,436 --> 00:18:28,649 ♪ I couldn't ask for another Mm-mm ♪
410 00:18:31,068 --> 00:18:33,779 Busted! Planned Parenthood does do abortions.
411 00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:37,407 Yeah, because women have the right to choose what happens to their bodies.
412 00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:40,202 Oh, shit. I'm gonna get some Twitter comments about this.
413 00:18:40,285 --> 00:18:42,830 They're gonna be mean and threatening, and weirdly personal.
414 00:18:42,913 --> 00:18:44,206 You okay, Andrew?
415 00:18:44,289 --> 00:18:47,668 -These things, they're just skits, right? -Most of them are,
416 00:18:47,751 --> 00:18:50,087 but that one seems like it really happened.
417 00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:51,588 -It does, doesn't it? -[laughs]
418 00:18:51,672 --> 00:18:53,423 Andrew's older brother is an abortion.
419 00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:55,467 Your older brothers make you eat cum crackers.
420 00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:57,511 My mom says that's how I get my nutrients!
421 00:18:57,594 --> 00:19:00,597 Sex is... so complicated.
422 00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:03,433 I know. And we haven't even talked about STDs.
423 00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:08,147 -STDs? -No! I think this one's gonna be scary.
424 00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:10,440 Be careful, black and white Andrew!
425 00:19:12,568 --> 00:19:14,153 -Andrew! -Lola!
426 00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:15,654 How do you know where I live?
427 00:19:15,737 --> 00:19:18,240 I Googled it, you chinless turd.
428 00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:21,577 Because I needed to tell you that you gave me Blue Waffle.
429 00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:23,036 Blue Waffle? What's that?
430 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,079 Google it!
431 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:27,791 It's an STD that makes your vagenitals look like this.
432 00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:29,418 [screaming]
433 00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:31,003 Is that you?
434 00:19:31,086 --> 00:19:32,337 No, but it will be.
435 00:19:32,421 --> 00:19:35,090 Right now, I'm just, like... [deep voice] super itchy.
436 00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,592 But we didn't even have sex.
437 00:19:36,675 --> 00:19:39,261 Our tongues did, dummy. We frenched!
438 00:19:40,345 --> 00:19:41,471 Oh, God. We did.
439 00:19:41,555 --> 00:19:44,141 Wait, what happens when guys get Blue Waffle?
440 00:19:44,224 --> 00:19:47,728 Your dick busts open and it turns into a bumpy blue waffle,
441 00:19:47,811 --> 00:19:50,689 and you can't even put ice cream on it 'cause it's too hot.
442 00:19:50,772 --> 00:19:52,858 -It's hot? -No doi, Andrew.
443 00:19:52,941 --> 00:19:55,194 It's pulsing with, like, dick fever.
444 00:19:55,277 --> 00:19:58,071 -[thunder crashes] -You can't tell anybody about it,
445 00:19:58,155 --> 00:20:01,158 'cause no one will ever speak to you or touch you ever again.
446 00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:03,368 Lola, isn't there anything I can do?
447 00:20:03,452 --> 00:20:05,954 You might as well go to a DoubleTree Hotel buffet,
448 00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:08,415 and stick your dick in a waffle maker,
449 00:20:08,498 --> 00:20:12,002 'cause your life is over, you blue-dicked buffoon!
450 00:20:12,085 --> 00:20:13,003 [thundering]
451 00:20:14,254 --> 00:20:16,965 Okay, symptoms. "After contracting Blue Waffle,
452 00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:20,469 your penis will swell until it sprouts?"
453 00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:22,763 Oh, my God, Andrew. It's worse than I thought.
454 00:20:22,846 --> 00:20:23,722 -I know. -[sniffs]
455 00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:26,934 Andrew, what's happening?
456 00:20:27,017 --> 00:20:28,810 -Help me. -I don't know how!
457 00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:29,728 [knocking at door]
458 00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:31,730 [Marty] Andrew! What's all the screaming about?
459 00:20:31,813 --> 00:20:33,190 I'm fine.
460 00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:35,734 Actually, I'm starting to feel better. [retching]
461 00:20:35,817 --> 00:20:37,527 What's going on with you, Andrew?
462 00:20:37,611 --> 00:20:40,447 Mom, Dad, I have Blue Waffle.
463 00:20:40,530 --> 00:20:42,449 You weren't supposed to say anything!
464 00:20:42,532 --> 00:20:46,620 -[both scream] -Andrew, what have you done to us?
465 00:20:46,703 --> 00:20:50,249 -[quavers] -I'm never gonna get this off the walls!
466 00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:53,502 This stops here.
467 00:20:53,585 --> 00:20:55,254 Run, sweetheart, run.
468 00:20:56,672 --> 00:20:57,673 [gunshot]
469 00:20:57,756 --> 00:20:59,591 Maury! Shit!
470 00:20:59,675 --> 00:21:01,718 [gunshots]
471 00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:03,679 I need help. Anybody?
472 00:21:03,762 --> 00:21:06,306 -I need help! -[Missy] Hey, Andrew! Over here!
473 00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:07,808 How about some hanky-panky?
474 00:21:07,891 --> 00:21:08,976 -Hubba-hubba style. -What?
475 00:21:09,059 --> 00:21:12,312 Let's climb all over each other while we listen to the Mets.
476 00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:14,439 Oh, Missy, that sounds amazing,
477 00:21:14,523 --> 00:21:16,650 but I... I can't!
478 00:21:16,733 --> 00:21:19,278 What's wrong? Don't you want to canoodle?
479 00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:22,322 Put your finger in my hoodle? Come on, you sexy Jewdle.
480 00:21:22,406 --> 00:21:23,949 [moans] Missy, no! Don't!
481 00:21:24,032 --> 00:21:26,076 Galuska! What's wrong with me?
482 00:21:26,159 --> 00:21:27,577 -I'm so sorry, Missy. -[Missy groans]
483 00:21:27,661 --> 00:21:28,996 I just gave you Blue Waffle!
484 00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:31,081 -Is this supposed to be happening-- -[gunshot]
485 00:21:31,164 --> 00:21:33,458 Oh, fuck! Her fucking nose is in my hands!
486 00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:36,336 -[thuds] -I shot your kid girlfriend
487 00:21:36,420 --> 00:21:39,756 because you ruined my walls with your sex disease.
488 00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:41,216 -[gunshot] -[groans]
489 00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:45,387 -Nick! Let me in! -Hey, buddy.
490 00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:47,180 Ah! I'm so glad to see you.
491 00:21:47,264 --> 00:21:48,932 You, too. You're my best friend, Andrew.
492 00:21:49,016 --> 00:21:50,976 Come on in. Leah made us a Dorito cake.
493 00:21:51,059 --> 00:21:52,394 Hey, Andrew.
494 00:21:52,477 --> 00:21:55,981 I've decided it's cool that you're a disgusting pervert.
495 00:21:56,064 --> 00:21:57,691 Oh, that's a huge relief,
496 00:21:57,774 --> 00:21:59,985 'cause I just found out I have a pervert's disease.
497 00:22:00,068 --> 00:22:01,403 -Blue Waffle? -Yeah, you know it.
498 00:22:01,486 --> 00:22:04,156 That's fine. Just relax. Duke's hanging out, too.
499 00:22:04,906 --> 00:22:06,241 -Get out. -What?
500 00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:07,326 Get out!
501 00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:12,039 What... what happened?
502 00:22:12,122 --> 00:22:15,000 Oh, my God! Nick! Leah! Someone! Help!
503 00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:17,044 We are helping, best friend.
504 00:22:17,127 --> 00:22:19,171 Yeah, before you infect anyone else,
505 00:22:19,254 --> 00:22:22,341 we're gonna chop your rotten dick off.
506 00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:24,926 Oh, that's what I was hoping you weren't gonna do!
507 00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:27,220 Don't worry. I'll do it nice and slow.
508 00:22:27,304 --> 00:22:29,973 -[chainsaw revving] -[Andrew screaming]
509 00:22:30,057 --> 00:22:31,933 -What's the matter, Judd? -[chainsaw stops]
510 00:22:32,017 --> 00:22:34,019 -Feeling a little... blue? -[groans]
511 00:22:34,102 --> 00:22:37,230 -Andrew, I was cool. Did you hear that? -Yes, it was funny. Come on, keep moving.
512 00:22:37,314 --> 00:22:40,984 -Andrew, your STD is killing everyone! -Argh!
513 00:22:41,068 --> 00:22:43,028 Eat a dick, Nick! [grunts]
514 00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:44,404 [gags]
515 00:22:44,488 --> 00:22:46,490 Suck on my diarrhea, Leah!
516 00:22:46,573 --> 00:22:49,034 -[Maury laughing] -[groans] Ew, gross!
517 00:22:49,117 --> 00:22:51,995 Maury, I owe you my life. How did you do that, by the way?
518 00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:53,622 -How did you spray that much diarrhea? -[gasps]
519 00:22:53,705 --> 00:22:54,539 Maury!
520 00:22:54,623 --> 00:22:55,957 [Andrew panting]
521 00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:57,959 -[chainsaw whirring] -[all groaning]
522 00:22:58,543 --> 00:23:00,087 Whoa! What the--
523 00:23:01,380 --> 00:23:02,798 "Planned Parenthood?"
524 00:23:02,881 --> 00:23:05,967 Are you crazy? That place is just for girls.
525 00:23:06,551 --> 00:23:09,721 [grunts] Everyone, listen! I have Blue Waffle.
526 00:23:09,805 --> 00:23:11,139 Can you please help me?
527 00:23:11,223 --> 00:23:13,016 Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I can't.
528 00:23:13,100 --> 00:23:14,643 Is it because I didn't sign in?
529 00:23:14,726 --> 00:23:18,063 No, no, no. It's because, um, Blue Waffle is not real.
530 00:23:18,146 --> 00:23:20,899 -Wait, what? -Then what's going on with my body?
531 00:23:20,982 --> 00:23:24,569 Is the violent diarrhea because I brush my teeth with raw chicken?
532 00:23:24,653 --> 00:23:27,239 Uh, Blue Waffle is an urban legend.
533 00:23:27,322 --> 00:23:28,490 It's a complete hoax.
534 00:23:28,573 --> 00:23:29,991 Oh, thank God.
535 00:23:30,117 --> 00:23:31,785 STDs are fake.
536 00:23:31,868 --> 00:23:34,996 Well, no. STDs are real, but they are treatable.
537 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:38,708 And I wish people would come in and get tested before they start Googling
538 00:23:38,792 --> 00:23:40,085 and driving themselves crazy.
539 00:23:40,168 --> 00:23:44,089 Food for thought, but one more time: Blue Waffle is not real, right?
540 00:23:44,172 --> 00:23:46,425 One more time, it is not real.
541 00:23:46,508 --> 00:23:47,676 -But, Andrew? -What?
542 00:23:47,759 --> 00:23:50,971 -Slender Man is. -[screaming]
543 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:55,475 Andrew, that was upsetting.
544 00:23:55,559 --> 00:23:59,146 Yeah, especially the whole nightmare scenario of you making out with Lola.
545 00:23:59,229 --> 00:24:01,022 Yeah, that's crazy.
546 00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:03,316 That's, you know, magical realism.
547 00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:05,527 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop the clock!
548 00:24:05,610 --> 00:24:08,155 I think I understand Planned Parenthood now.
549 00:24:08,238 --> 00:24:09,072 Really? You do?
550 00:24:09,156 --> 00:24:12,659 Yeah! They do medicine for your bathing suit parts.
551 00:24:12,742 --> 00:24:14,286 Yeah, basically.
552 00:24:14,369 --> 00:24:17,038 Steve, you actually learned something.
553 00:24:17,122 --> 00:24:18,957 I did? I did.
554 00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:23,170 Oh, thank you, everybody. And thank you all for watching.
555 00:24:23,253 --> 00:24:25,172 What an incredible week!
556 00:24:25,255 --> 00:24:29,634 You know, it's always been a dream of mine to host whatever this is.
557 00:24:29,718 --> 00:24:32,721 I want to thank Deee-Lite for "Groove Is In The Heart,"
558 00:24:32,804 --> 00:24:35,640 Bootsy Collins, Nathan Fillion, you're a real sport.
559 00:24:35,724 --> 00:24:37,309 -[Fillion] I love you! -The whole cast.
560 00:24:37,392 --> 00:24:41,313 The cue card guy for drawing my dialogue in pictures.
561 00:24:41,438 --> 00:24:44,566 Lorne, the Pull Out Method, Slender Man.
562 00:24:44,649 --> 00:24:45,525 I love you, dude.
563 00:24:45,650 --> 00:24:48,403 Oh, I can't forget the liberal elite for their awesome agenda.
564 00:24:48,487 --> 00:24:49,446 You guys rocked it.
565 00:24:49,529 --> 00:24:52,324 You convinced us to do an episode on Planned Parenthood,
566 00:24:52,407 --> 00:24:56,203 even though so many people are gonna be furious at us for doing it.
567 00:24:56,286 --> 00:25:00,874 Oh, and don't forget, Blue Waffle is absolutely real!
568 00:25:00,957 --> 00:25:03,293 -No, it's not! -I love you! Good night!
569 00:25:03,376 --> 00:25:05,629 Stick around for Showtime at the Apollo
570 00:25:05,712 --> 00:25:10,091 or a Cindy Crawford melon skin cream infomercial.
571 00:25:13,678 --> 00:25:15,680 [saxophone playing]
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