The Forgiving Way to Transforming Life and Relationships
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Praise for Dr. Dincalci’s forgiveness book and work: This is a very outstanding book. What an invaluable and needed book for our times. - Angeles Arrien, PhD, Anthropologist/Author/Teacher I’m experiencing deep healing by forgiving others and myself. The Power Forgiveness Process in this book has been so profound. It was the missing piece to my healing. - S. Weechie Baker, MA, Counselor This book has set me free! I knew something was wrong, but I could not figure it out. I was able to identify why I felt inferiority and rejection and let them go. - LeVonder Brinkley, PhD, Author/Speaker I had no idea that I would receive gifts so much greater than understanding the concepts and being able to put the ideas into practice. This book helped to renew my spirit. I highly recommend this book to apply the techniques, which will last a lifetime and will be a well-spent effort on self- improvement. - G. Thomas, MD By using methods in this book, it was easy to release upsets that I never really felt I could deal with. Dr. Dincalci covers an extensive list of forgive- ness techniques, providing the tools to tackle any upset that may be currently weighing you down! - Dr. Eric F. Donaldson, Researcher Being able to work through an issue from childhood so quickly (after years of various other tools) was a thrill. - Trice Bonney The process is much faster than I had thought possible. The surprising thing for me was that everything leads to and proceeds from self- forgiveness. - Cate Griffiths It gave me specific tools for guiding my own process of forgiveness— excellent content to meet any situation. - Deborah Klass, RN, PhD I didn’t know what questions to ask to analyze my situations. Now I have a roadmap. I not only learned a process for forgiving, I forgave. - Evan Lloyd Thank you for helping us all become heroes of our own lives. This work helped me see things in other ways, and gave me tools to use in my rela- tionships. - Debbi Berto It really put the processes of how to forgive in “layman’s terms” so that I can explain and discuss forgiveness easily with others. Most significant was realizing that I held some myths of forgiveness. - Laura Lutz Forgiveness is a missing link in social evolution, via the individual heart. The part about self-forgiveness was valuable, especially in a culture that values selfishness, yet not self-forgiveness. - Kit Lofroos This work exceeded my expectations. The personal learning was intense and profound. - Harriette Linn It gave me a “how to” process to breakdown an overwhelming issue with many angles to a manageable level. - M. Rolewei Meaningful, and helpful. Intense and Enlightening! - Elizabeth Bakewell This work feels like the missing piece of the puzzle for deeper love, joy and peace. My overall response was excitement, empowering—New tools. - Ren Nelson Successes From People Who Work With Clients On a professional level, I am now equipped to teach my clients about for- giveness and to guide them through the process. - Sally Lobb Dr. Dincalci's approach actually helped me deal with past emotions to find an internal peace long sought after. The book has also helped me in dealing with patients in my own practice as well as students whom I work with in clinical settings. – Paulette Mahurin, Nurse Practitioner I now have the information to help my clients who may be struggling with forgiveness. - C. Slovonik I highly recommend this. The Principles of Forgiveness are a blueprint for self-acceptance and compassion, and are wonderful intervention tools for clinicians. - Suzette Dotson It gave me the information and the process to resolve issues I was hanging onto that needed forgiveness. — It will also be useful in my work with fam- ilies. - Carol Newman I learned tools to use in my own personal life and also to share with clients. I’m excited about new possibilities in my clinical life. - J Bennett Jordan I gained insights and competency in working with clients. - Jacqueline Doyle Extremely helpful information framed in a useful way. Every process gave me insight. - Tawny Martin, MFT The reading is infused with evocative and inspiring quotations which enrich and sustain the reader’s focus throughout. This book is best viewed as a reference to return to again and again as one attempts to pursue the for- giveness process thoroughly. - Nicholas Morano, Ph.D., ABBP Diplomate in Clinical Psychology HOW TO Forgive WHEN YOU CAN’T by DR. JIM DINCALCI Winner - Living Now Book Award in Personal Growth 2010 by the Independent Publisher Magazine Finalist - Book of the Year Award in Self-Help 2009 in the Foreword Review Magazine Awards. Finalist - 2010 Indie Book Award in Self-Help 2010 by the Independent Book Publishing Professionals Group HOW TO Forgive WHEN YOU CAN’T The Breakthrough Guide to Free Your Heart & Mind Healing Upsets Without Condoning or Being Hurt Again DR.. JIM DINCALCI FOUNDER OF THE FORGIVENESS FOUNDATION Copyright ©2011, 2010 by James Dincalci. Ruah Press Edition - All rights reserved under the International and Pan-American Copyright Convention. Publisher: Ruah Press, the publishing division of The Forgiveness Foundation, a 501(c)3 non-profit charity www.ForgivenessFoundation.org The material in this book may not be copied or reproduced in any form, in whole or in part, without the express permission of the author or The Forgive- ness Foundation. Send requests for permission to use the material in this book to the Permissions Department, The Forgiveness Foundation, at P.O.Box 16352, Chapel Hill, NC 27516; or fax to 262-244-3823; or to: [email protected] Profits from this book go toward building caring families and communities worldwide by people helping each other heal blame, resentment and grudges. Owing to the limitations of space, acknowledgement of permission to quote from previously published materials will be found at the end of the bibliography. Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no warranties with respect to the completeness of the contents of this book. Some of the advice and strategies con- tained herein may not be suitable for your situation. The information and opinions provided in this book are believed to be accurate and sound, based on the best judg- ment of the author, but readers who fail to consult with appropriate mental health professionals assume the risk of any problems. Neither the publisher nor author shall be liable for any loss of health or profit or any commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, or other damages. The Forgiveness Foundation books and products are available through our website. To contact us directly call within the USA - 919-799-2113 or fax 262-244-3823. We also publish in a variety of electronic formats. Library of Congress Catalogue Number: 2009937128 ___________________________________________________________________________________________________ Publisher's Cataloging-in-Publication Data Dincalci, Jim. How to forgive when you can't : the breakthrough guide to free your heart and mind : healing upsets without condoning or being hurt again / Jim Dincalci. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN: 978-0-9824307-1-2 1. Forgiveness. 2. Self-acceptance. 3. Mind and body. I. Title. BF637.F67 D54 2010 158.2—dc22 2009937128 DEDICATION To my daughter, Erica, and the young people of the world. May this book bring you the means to a better future. To my parents, Grace and Tony, I guess I will always miss you. To my wife Rita who enriched my mother’s life, And to all those who take care of people. May this book lighten your heart. To those who have been to hell from terrible trauma. May this book help bring you peace. In this Ruah Press Edition, besides small changes throughout, I have added some research findings from psychologists who work with war veterans. They believe that PTSD is the result of “moral injury” and say that forgiveness is important in dealing with it. In addition, I’ve included “Effective Ways of Empowering Yourself and Others” which people have found useful in my classes. The full list with helpful questions is in Appendix E. Throughout the book, I’ve added different empowerment resources, which can assist when dealing with very stressful situations and trauma. Please Note: There are raised letters and numbers at the end of some sentences. These are either references to publications where I found the in- formation or notes giving more data on what was said. See the “Notes” section at the end of the book for the references in each chapter. Readers should be aware that Internet Web sites offered as citations and/or sources for further information may have changed or disap- peared between the time this was written and when it is read. _________________________________________________ CONTENTS Successes From People Who Work With Clients ...... ii DEDICATION ........................................................................ VII CONTENTS .............................................................................. ix FOREWORD ........................................................................... xiii ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS ........................................................ xv PART 1 - Opening to a Different Way The Opening ........................................................ 3 Stages and Phases of Forgiveness ........................................ 4 The Very First Step Is ............................................................ 4 The Search for What