Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
1/45 Click These Coloured Tabs To Switch Quickly Between Months Farewell To 2018 As the world’s descent into screaming chaos continues unabated, there seems to be little else to do but laugh. To that end, we’ve collected together some of our favourite stories of 2018 so you can hopefully look back on the year with a smile. Cherish it – as there’s no guarantee we’ll be able to do the same in 2019...
//////////////////////////////////////////////////// Jan/Feb/Mar ...... 3-12 Presidential pornstar NDAs! Pube-licking pop stars! Skidmarks in Her Majesty’s bowl! The year began exactly the way you’d expect a year to start these days. With absolute madness.
Apr/May/Jun ...... 13-23 Swinging, slimming chefs! Celebrity conspiracies! Pregnant teachers of the rich and famous! While the world faced nuclear oblivion once more, pop culture kept on delivering weirdness.
Jul/Aug/Sep ...... 24-33 Bigfoot erotica! Piss-play with Ricky Martin! Elon Musk: paedo vigilante! Even when everything else is in disarray, Silly Season never disappoints.
Oct/Nov/Dec ...... 34-45 Cundy the Bog Clogger! Sexting with the stars! Christmas with Rick Astley! The year might be winding down, but the stories aren’t letting up.
Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
3/45 Befriend It Like Beckham January The year kicked off with some extraordinary scandal at the White House as Stormy Daniels’ $130,000 sex NDA was uncovered, setting off a chain of events that led us to learn the leader of the free world once got spanked with a copy of Time magazine that had his own face on the cover – making Gwyneth Paltrow’s coffee enemas look positively tame... //////////////////////////////////////////////////// >> Crank Shaft << the props on display was the set of metal Beckham and deck’em dentures made famous by Bond baddie, Jaws. Richard Kiel, the giant who played David Beckham started the year as he him, found that he could only wear them meant to go on: by drawing serious for a few minutes at a time because the whispers about the state of his marriage. size of them made his mouth bleed. But He was seen getting rather close to one of when Walliams asked to try them on, he the women at his agency – but as well as happily wore them for a solid hour or more. making an unwise friend, it looks like he made a bit of an unwise enemy too. So, please. Let’s all try to be kind next time he comperes a seedy gropefest. That big Becks used to be good mates with Jason mouth of his is potentially a medical issue. Statham, but the Stathamator spent a lot ______of early 2018 telling pals how much he’d like to “punch David Beckham in the face”. “Everyone knows that they shouldn’t take Why? Because Becks wouldn’t stop texting a shit on my plane” his fiancée, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. – Lewis Hamilton ______Stormy Daniels’ movie credits include >> Girl Talk << Breast Side Story, The Da Vagina Code and What’s in a name? Legally Boned. ______The decision to retire walk-on girls – first at the darts, then for F1 – made for some >> Host With The Most << lively debate. And who did Radio 5 Live Bigmouth strikes again get on to give their opinion on the matter of whether or not it’s appropriate to have David Walliams’ big mouth got him in women displaying their bodies at such trouble when he hosted the Presidents Club events? Part-time grid girl... Charlotte Gash! Dinner in January – but it does occasionally come in handy. (Better yet, Charlotte goes by “Lottie” on social media – giving her the sort of name Walliams was once treated to a visit around that even Austin Powers would boggle at... the James Bond archives, where one of Lottie Gash!) Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
4/45 Big Questions: Answered Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
5/45 The Price Is Shite February Kylie Jenner demonstrated the power of modern celebrity when she wiped $1.3 billion off the share price of a Silicon Valley giant with a single tweet about Snapchat. Meanwhile, Quincy Jones went on an outstanding press tour, giving two of the greatest interviews of all time, holding forth on everyone he’d ever met... //////////////////////////////////////////////////// >> ‘Merkin sweethearts << about 10 minutes in she turned round to Hair today, gone tomorrow him and said “Have you slimed yet, Terry?”
What caused Jennifer Aniston and Justin When he pointed out his name was actually Theroux’s split? Was Jen hoarding notes Robbie, her response was: “Whatever...” from Brad Pitt? Did Justin have his head ______turned by Emma Stone? Or was it something to do with Justin’s inability to clean up after “[Marlon Brando] was the most charming himself, post-grooming? motherfucker you ever met. He’d fuck anything. Anything. He’d fuck a mailbox” Crew who worked on The Leftovers series – Quincy Jones got a taste of Justin’s sloppy habits first- ______hand. One poor dogsbody was tasked with cleaning the basin and toilet of Justin’s >> Official business << pubic hair cuttings – which he attended to Inspecting the Royal throne with nail scissors in his winnebago on a bi- weekly basis. When she visited Parliament in February to discuss online trolling and Harvey’s Law, ______Katie Price – along with her mum and two Dom from Don’t Get Done, Get Dom’s of her kids – was given a special tour of the doorbell plays Knocking On Heaven’s Door. Palace of Westminster. ______As part of the tour, the guide managed >> Slime Of The Times << to sneak them into the Robing Room, the Doing things down under room that’s reserved for the Queen to change into her ceremonial robes when she Robbie Williams played a big outdoor gig is in attendance, as well as pointing out the at a winery in the Yarra Valley, telling the special bathroom that Her Majesty uses. audience “I fucking love you, Australia”. This is the story he used to illustrate why. Katie’s mum and kids were very respectful and reverent throughout – but Katie was Williams told the crowd that on a previous less so, screeching at the guide “COME tour he met a girl in a club and took her ON THEN, LET’S SEE IF THERE ARE ANY home. They got down to business and SKIDMARKS!” Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
6/45 Celebrity Shilling Taking Care Of Bidness The story of Paul from S Club 7 selling his BRIT Awards on eBay really caught the imagination of the public. But he’s not the first celeb to try to hawk stuff on eBay to make ends meet. Hell, he’s not even the first member of S Club 7 to do it. There’s a thriving marketplace for celebrity tat – and it’s often run by the celebs themselves...
//////////////////////////////////////////////////// It’s a tricky position to be in, being a to eBay with a pseudonymous account and dormant celeb. Not famous enough to bring then auction off whatever old shit they can in the big bucks for a personal appearance; stick their signature on – and maybe skim too famous to be able to apply for a normal an extra quid or two in surplus postage job on civvy street. You basically have to charges. hope that you strike a good enough deal appearing in panto in December that you In January, Paul Cattermole became the can coast by until Freshers’ Week gigs kick latest in a long line of former stars who off the following September. have been taking to the internet to flog their wares. Here’s a couple of the others... But what if the call never comes? What if the years roll by, your savings deplete, the //////////////////////// royalty cheques get smaller, and you find yourself doing supermarket openings for Jo from S Club petrol money and per diems? You still have bills to pay. You still have to put food on Wherever did Paul get the idea to hawk his the table. How are you supposed to make old SC7 stuff for some cash? Probably from money? S Club stalwart, Jo O’Meara...
The preferred method of the unsentimental After tanking her reality TV prospects celeb (the type who collected a ton of after getting embroiled in the Celebrity Big memorabilia in their heyday) is to sign up Brother race row of 2007 (and S Club 3 never really taking off, despite many …but as for the rest of us? We had to scour attempts to launch) Jo’s official Twitter “Lenny”’s transaction history to confirm our account suddenly became very interested suspicions. in all the S Club memorabilia that was available on eBay. Jo would frequently direct her followers to check out various bits of bric-a-brac that were up for auction – often featuring signed pictures of Jo herself.
Then, last August, she finally came clean to everyone.
Lenny is the name of her son – which accounts for the ‘Lenny’ and the ‘Boy’ portions of the moniker. But 831? It’s not immediately clear. Jo was born on April 29th. Lenny was born on May 12th. So it’s neither one’s birthday.
Vanity searching on eBay? We wouldn’t 831 is unlikely to be just a random sequence put it past any celeb to do that – but however, because it’s not the only internet there was something unusual about the account she uses it for… lots she was finding. They weren’t listed under ‘josclubofficial’ or ‘omearamemories’ or anything. They were all being sold by ‘lennyboy831’
Obviously anyone who had signed up to play Words With Friends with Jo back in 2011 would have been wise to the username…
(FYI: She’s talking about her cat…)
//////////////////////// Abz from 5ive “Collections” sub category. Looks like Abz is potentially looking into Not only is Paul not the first member of S Club 7 to sell stuff on eBay, he isn’t the first releasing a line of… dog jumpers. pop star to try to flog a BRIT Award either.
Abz from 5ive tried the same thing in 2015, suggesting people “take advantage of my poverty and grab this rare opportunity to own a bit of pop history!!” so that he could buy top soil and some gardening tools for his farm.
The amounts bid for it quickly reached £1.1 million. //////////////////////// Katie Price Despite her many book deals, branding partnerships and perfume ranges, Katie Price has struggled a bit with her finances in recent years (down, in large part, to her rather expensive litigation habit with former friends and lovers).
A visibly stunned Abz was trotted around Pricey was one of the early celebrity adopters on the publicity circuit, interviewed about of eBay, and has been selling items of how it felt to be selling an old award he clothing from her extensive wardrobe had been using as a doorstop for a seven- for years now. figure sum – only to have the dream cruelly snatched from him at the last minute by eBay’s fraud squad.
The auction was deleted, Abz never got his million quid payout – and the watching world moved on.
Abz has since changed his user name from ‘abzonthefarm’ to ‘lovefarmwales’ Unfortunately, in providing so much stock (his stage-surname being ‘Love’; the farm over the years, she has somewhat debased being in Carmarthenshire, Wales) and he the currency of her clothing. Items in her has nothing listed for sale at the moment. last clear-out would routinely go to the first bidder, with people getting full outfits – all That said, there is a rather interesting previously owned and worn by Pricey herself looking placeholder in the lovefarmwales – for the sorts of sums they’d go for in any regular high-street charity shop. bring in a useful sum?
Still, she knows how to pull out the big guns So what then? What can a media personality when the occasion calls for it. Two years sell on eBay? Simple. Their own art. ago, in January 2016, she put one of her wedding dresses up for sale.
Tabloids at the time made a point of the fact that she had put the dress on sale a few days after her third wedding Rather than try to profit off a bunch of old anniversary to Kieran Hayler – suggesting tat she’d touched, used, or otherwise come that it was maybe a big fuck you to her into contact with, Lauren Harries creates former husband, Alex Reid. new and original works of art for her eBay customers. The actual reason? The previous month she had settled a huge court case with Of course, there’s always the risk that her other former husband Peter Andre people will try to scam you with this sort of and her former manager Claire Powell – thing. No such worries with Lauren Harries. and didn’t have the cash on hand to cough There’s absolutely no way this isn’t hers. up for all her costs.
Luckily for her lawyers, the dress ended up going for over a grand.
//////////////////////// Lauren Harries What if your career doesn’t really lend itself all that well to memorabilia? Singers have gold discs; actors have film scripts; athletes have their sweat rags. But if you’re a media personality, what then? You could potentially auction off your ID pass for the This Morning studio, but would that really Not only that, Lauren has also been known However, if the eBay listings are accurate to pop in a separate, handwritten note to (and to not violate eBay’s terms of service, each package, thanking customers for being they need to be) it seems there are some patrons of her art. “Brand New” Rolf Harris paintings that were added to the site in November 2017 All in all, a real class act. – being sold by user sc3005. November 2017 is six months since Rolf was released Unlike someone else we could care to from prison. mention… Has he taken up the paints again and started selling his work through the backchannel //////////////////////// of eBay? The titles of his recent output certainly have a bit of a ‘post-prison’ vibe Rolf Harris to them… Obviously the disgraced sex criminal Rolf Harris is no longer selling his once-revered art through any official or reputable dealers, but his paintings did continue to change hands on eBay throughout his prison sentence.
Anyone who invested in a Rolf Harris painting pre-Yewtree will have seen the price drop significantly. Most fell instantly by about 90% – but now that the dust has settled a little, some are still going for as much as a grand a pop on eBay (enough to buy you a wardrobe’s worth of Katie Price cast-offs)
How is sc3005 getting their hands on so many Harris originals, including some (extremely flattering) self-portraits?
Who knows?
Maybe Rolf will reveal himself on Twitter in due course… Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
11/45 Swish Swish, Sis March Stories don’t come much more Popbitch than ‘Nun Curses Katy Perry With Dying Breath In Court’ – but in March, Sister Catherine Rose Holzman of the Sisters Of The Immaculate Heart of Los Feliz died shortly after a court appearance in which she tried to block the pop star from buying up her convent. Her last words? “Katy Perry, please stop.” //////////////////////////////////////////////////// >> A Question Of Time << According to one lucky lady who met him Ringing a bell now, boys? one night, Redfoo took over the stereo to put on one of his own songs (I’m In Miami, Stephen Hawking loved Depeche Mode. Bitch) and sang along while he got to work. During the 90s, he wrote to their management to see if he could meet them But changed the lyrics to “I’m in your pussy, backstage after a gig. No-one replied. bitch”. ______So he wrote again saying he was a massive fan and would be honoured to meet them. “I had to write down the number Again, no reply. 1,000,000,000 to understand how big it was” He eventually asked his assistant to contact – Liam Payne ______their record label, Mute, who then contacted Depeche Mode themselves. >> Secret meating << The reply came back that they “Always get David’s giant olives letters off this bloke trying to blag tickets, and who the fuck is he anyway?” David Haye has made a pretty big name for himself as the poster boy of veganism. So ______it was a little confusing for the TV producer According to Brett Anderson’s memoir, who walked into his dressing room to check when he first met Justine Frischmann she a few notes with him before air, to find him had such a posh voice that he thought she tucking into what appeared to be three had a speech impediment. whole chickens. ______As his veganism was due to come up in conversation, they thought they’d just >> Sexing with the stars << Laughing our fucking arses off double check with his handler: they couldn’t possibly have seen him wolfing down We knew that Redfoo from LMFAO likes to multiple cooked animals, could they? request his own songs at clubs when he’s out and about, but it seems this policy also “No,” came the stony-faced response. extends to the bedroom. “Those were olives...”
Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
13/45 University Challenged April A very challenging month for the British celebrity as Mel and Sue’s rebooted Generation Game was absolutely savaged by critics, Katie Price halted her highly-publicised London Marathon attempt to stop for an ice-cream, and Ant McPartlin found himself up in court, receiving the single largest drink-driving fine in history. //////////////////////////////////////////////////// >> Andi Blandi << the pot plant by her desk. Instead, Bob very Keeping the air clean diligently went to the head of HR to ask them what would be the most appropriate way What with all the drink-driving, pill- of asking her out. And when they started popping and plant-pot masturbation stories dating seriously, HR suggested that Annie we’ve heard over the last few years, should maybe get a job outside of Miramax you’d be forgiven for thinking that the to avoid any complications – which she duly entire entertainment industry is a godless did. hellscape without a single pure soul left in it. But you’d be wrong. In many ways, it was the perfect modern work-place love affair. Except that it all Andi Peters is so clean-cut that he won’t ended in an acrimonious divorce in 2012, even let anyone swear in front of him. If with Annie getting a restraining order you curse in his presence, not only will he against Bob, and Bob staging an intervention leave the room, he will add you to his ‘list’. regarding Annie’s drinking. ______The Duke of Cambridge went to the “The mouth is for eating, not for sex” University of St Andrews, while the Earl of – President Museveni of Uganda ______St Andrews went to Cambridge. ______>> Spit Take << >> Mira Image << A new hacking scandal The other side of Weinstein Cuba Gooding Jr made his West End debut Harvey Weinstein’s actions may have in Chicago in April. Heaven help the crew bankrupted their company, but they also member who was in charge of cleaning up robbed his brother Bob of something far his dressing room. One Popbitch reader more valuable: his good name. remembers being at a spa in Miami, having their treatment interrupted by the rather When Bob took a shine to the Miramax distressing sound of someone hacking receptionist, Annie, he didn’t make a move their lungs up in the bathroom next door. by inviting her up to his suite at 2am. He It turned out to be Cuba – who left an didn’t ask her for a massage while in his ungodly amount of phlegm all over the bathrobe. He didn’t even masturbate into floor for spa staff to clean up. Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
14/45 Big Questions: Answered Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
15/45 The High Flying Birds May Celebrity culture got another of its feet rammed right into the corridors of power as the star of Suits, Meghan Markle married into the British Royal Family. Elsewhere, serial killer and amateur chef Dennis Nilsen carked it, while Sir Martin Sorrell’s habit of hiring high-class escorts on the company dime finally caught up with him. //////////////////////////////////////////////////// >> Bell End << playing for a shit team instead, the keeper’s Clarkson’s hosting knowledge temper flared up and he booted the kid’s ball over the community centre and out of There was a brand new lifeline on the the grounds. rebooted Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? where the player got to ask Jeremy Clarkson Then he didn’t let in a single goal for the for his opinions on the answer. rest of the day. ______The first contestant to use it when they were filming the pilot asked Clarkson who “My dad has given his blessing to have sex” he thought wrote (classic feminist favourite) – Dani Dyer The Bell Jar. Unsurprisingly, he didn’t know. ______
______>> Digitrouble << Alicia Vikander’s karaoke song is Jolene. Rehab gets GDPR compliant ______The hottest new trend in rehab? Analogue >> Hartless << admin. Taking his ball home Many rehab programmes encourage The news that he’d been dropped from patients to undergo a digital detox as England’s World Cup squad wouldn’t have part of mindfulness awareness – to help gone over well with Joe Hart. He’s got increase their inner peace and lower rather poor form when it comes to dealing their anxiety – but fancy new ‘sanctuary’ with that sort of thing. The Hygrove has extended its ban on computers and smartphones to their Last year, while filming a package for entire clerical staff too. Children In Need, Joe was invited to a community centre to surprise some young Not because they think they’re unhealthy carers and go in goal for a charity penalty or any sort of distraction, particularly. shootout. However, when one of the kids (a Mainly because they want patients to nine year old) started getting a bit mouthy, feel confident that there’s absolutely no taunting Joe about the fact he’d been way any of their delicate data could be dropped by Man City and had ended up harvested or hacked. Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
16/45 Chimtrigue The Cole, Hard Truth We were rather hoping that motherhood would give us a year or two off from the interminable circus of Cheryl Cole’s love life, but no. Here we are again. Like clockwork. Another six months of will-they-won’t- they split stories all over the papers. So what was the deal with it all this time? Well, it kid of depends who you ask...
//////////////////////////////////////////////////// If you want to pass an utterly unproductive the benefit of watching it all play out in five minutes, think about this: What will real time – we struggled to figure out historians of the future make of Cheryl exactly what to make of the last round of Cole? headlines about that “scheduled split” she was supposed to have with Liam Payne. Criminal records last, so they’ll probably What purpose did any of it serve? remember that she had a conviction for assault. Marriage certificates (and decrees Normally, there are four main ways to nisi) will be a matter of public record interpret any Cheryl story that appears in too, so they’ll be able to collate certain the press. adminsitrative facts about her love life. Presumably we’ll maintain some sort of The first is at face value – and that way is archive of the UK Top 40, so her number utterly worthless. You’re more likely to hit ones, platinum plaques and million-sales upon the truth of the matter by dropkicking certificates will be catalogued somehow. a Scrabble set into a wall and reading the resulting mess of tiles than trusting But what of her personal life? What of her anything printed in the tabloids. personality? Beyond the basic paperwork, what will last of Cheryl? That leaves three other ways, but their worth all depends on whether you consider The reason the question has been on our yourself to be a Cynic, a Cole-Brand minds this year is because – even with Conspiracist or a Chim Shipper. The Cynics are those who think that these questions even though they’re not involved sorts of Cheryl stories are driven by a in the film. They have to promise to show desperate need to generate publicity for up to the first night of their tour to post her professional projects. a supportive Snapchat from the dressing room. They have to promise to sit in the The Cole-Brand Conspiracists are those who audience of Strictly, and tell Tess Daly how think that Cheryl deliberately sabotages her proud they are and how tightly everyone at love life in order to deflect other negative home has their fingers crossed. press that might do damage to her public image. It’s no small undertaking, dating a celeb, but the reward for doing all that extra work The Chim Shippers are those who believe is that you have someone to return the that everything Cheryl does is part of favour for you when you’re the one with a an extremely carefully-managed fiction, project you need to plug. tailored specifically to cover the fact that she has actually been in a secret lesbian Completely coincidentally, Cheryl and Liam relationship with Kimberley Walsh from both had a few big projects on this year. Girls Aloud for the last 15 years or so. Liam was doing the rounds promoting the The notion of this last one may strike you as duet he did with Rita Ora that appeared being particularly implausible, but can you on the last Fifty Shades movie, alongside honestly say – hand-on-heart – that it’s any a couple of other featured appearances on less plausible than the ‘official’ stories that singles – all while teasing his debut solo her people are constantly trying to pass off album (which is yet to materialise...) as real? (Us neither.) Cheryl was teasing some new music for So, if only for the sake of our future scholars, release too, as well as launching a new let’s treat all these opinions with respect. charity initiative with the Prince’s Trust. The very least we owe the citizens of the But, most notably, she was filming a non- 22nd Century is the opportunity to hear all broadcast pilot of a dance talent show sides of this increasingly stupid story. called The Greatest Dancer – produced by Simon Cowell’s Syco Productions.
//////////////////////// It was uncanny enough that Pop Idol’s Cheryl Tweedy and X Factor’s Liam Payne #1: The Cynics should have found love with one another in the first place – but a drawn-out semi-bust When two celebrities decide to become a up at exactly the point in the year when the couple, they don’t just make the private two of them need a little extra publicity? commitments that regular people make to one another. They have a lot of extra, Why, it’s just too good to be true… public-facing commitments to make too.
They have to promise to turn up for red //////////////////////// carpet events around the world, and answer #2: The Cole-Brand may have already considered the possibility Conspiracists of a contract that’s about to expire. You don’t need to be particularly eagle-eyed The celebrity relationship contract is the sort to notice that the stories of their potential of thing that sounds like fantasy to a civilian split started to emerge exactly two years – a deeply unromantic and unsentimental since details of the Cheryl-Liam brand concept that couldn’t possibly exist in the merger were first confirmed. real world, beyond the peculiar mind of the pop culture obsessive.
However, the truth is that they’re pretty mundane and they’ve existed in some form since the days of the Golden Age of Hollywood.
The Cynics’ interpretation of Cheryl’s first marriage (to Ashley Cole) was that it was an attempt at creating a Posh’n’Becks-style power couple. A way to create a team who could shift a wide range of goods, from shampoo, to trainers, to lottery tickets.
And did you note the strange wording of the Mail’s take on the matter?
“Could split in weeks”. What? Why the delay? What could possibly have been holding matters up?
If you’re of the persuasion that Cheryl deliberately manipulates her love life specifically to generate headlines, then you The Cole-Brand Conspiracy suggests something more subtle: that the two were married to solve the couple’s complementary publicity problems.
Cheryl, having punched a black toilet attendant in a nightclub (and reportedly used a racial slur while doing so), was having trouble convincing people she wasn’t a huge racist. Ashley, having recently sued Cheryl Cole was now Cheryl Fernandez- the News Of The World for alleging that he Versini. was in a gay relationship, was finding his sexuality openly questioned in the national Apparently, she’d got married the week press. previously and decided – seemingly apropos of nothing – to tell everyone about In bringing the two together – only it the day after hints of financial shadiness to later break them up on account of emerged. Ashley’s ‘rampant infidelity’ – you solve both problems. Cheryl is absolved of the Which could have been complete accusations of racism (she’ll punch anyone coincidence, of course – but it was mighty – honest!) and Ashley is left looking like a helpful all the same. Herculean shagger. So what was it this time? Cheryl and Liam The Cole-Brand theory was further aren’t married, of course (so quite why he refined with her second marriage, to needed to see ‘divorce lawyers’ was a bit the immaculately bearded Jean-Bernard of a mystery) but what could Cheryl be Fernandez-Versini. wrapped up in that required such drastic measures? Has something happened that On July 13th 2014, a story broke about how she’ll need to blame on the stresses of a Cheryl had shut down a company of which failing relationship and single-motherhood? she was the sole owner, Tara Entertainments Limited – a live entertainment firm based This is what Cole-Brand Conspiracists are out of Ireland. Ireland has a famously low wondering… corporate tax rate and is therefore a favoured location of the savvy ‘tax efficiency’ expert. ////////////////////////
As big names like Gary Barlow, Jimmy Carr and Chris Moyles had all been hauled #3: The Chim Shippers over the coals for their part in various tax avoidance schemes, all eyes were on Since we last set foot aboard the Chim celebrity tax dodgers at that time. Cheryl Ship a few years ago, another extremely Cole – the nation’s sweetheart – was all solid piece of evidence has emerged in the primed to get caught up in it, but the story internet’s ongoing investigation to reveal was quickly overshadowed though by a the true nature of Cheryl and Kimberly shock announcement on July 14th. (a.k.a. Chim)’s relationship. Kimberley Walsh gave birth to another son Cheryl could get pregnant by someone else, in late 2016, which she publicly introduced so that Bear can join his “half-brothers” to the world in January 2017. The name of Bobby and Cole in the loving Chim home. this child – a child that a very dedicated corner of the internet is convinced will be raised by Cheryl and Kimberley in a loving lesbian home?
Cole.
TO REPEAT: Kimberley called her baby Cole.
This is not the only bit of evidence – nor is it the most brow-raising bit of it either (Chim Shippers are nothing if not exhaustive in gathering receipts) – but we needn’t retread old ground here. What we want to know is the Chim Shipper angle on the latest news. What’s the view on the Liam split?
They too believed that Liam Payne’s contract was up. Not to deflect from some negative press, but because he has outlived his use in the ‘babygate’.
Babygates are a strange part of super- fandom. It’s the name given to a series of theories that celebrities have faked stories about their babies – or, in some cases, even faked the babies themselves. There’s a surprising amount of them around. Louis from One Direction has a good one. So does Benedict Cumberbatch.
Cheryl and Liam are also the focus of a babygate: Babygate 2.0 (Babygate 1.0 was Louis Tomlinson’s). There seems to be little doubt about the fact that Cheryl was pregnant, but fans refuse to believe that the baby is his and feel that he’s been roped in as a semi-plausible spooge-stooge.
Quite who the baby’s biological father is is uncertain, but the masterplan all along was to have Liam provide some cover, so that Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
21/45 Drunk Turtle Power! June The whole of Planet Earth feared for its life as Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un met in Singapore for their much-feted summit; Taylor Swift got roasted by one of the co-writer’s of September after her lacklustre cover of it went viral, and the concept of Big Dick Energy got a wider airing as Ariana Grande announced her engagement to Pete Davidson. //////////////////////////////////////////////////// >> Mail Aggression << “So what?” you might think. “It’s her money, Doubles for everyone! it’s her body, it’s her choice.” We completely agree. Paul Dacre was famous around Fleet Street for what became known as his “double We only mention it to say: if she hasn’t cuntings” – the extremely profane orders called her new tits Pinky and Perky, she’s he barks at people who displease him. really missed a trick. Who will continue to call the newsroom ______cunts after Dacre’s retirement? Mail Online supremo Martin Clarke, most likely. “When I sing, you know it’s Tony Hadley” – Tony Hadley He’s been known to engage in the odd ______double cunting here and there too, on one memorable occasion screaming at a news >> Sexy Safari << editor who dared to suggest that Clarke Not on your nelly was perhaps being a little unreasonable, The Beckham rumours ramped up a gear “STOP TALKING FUCKING CUNTISH, YOU in June, with social media ablaze with CUNT!” gossip that a divorce announcement was ______imminent, supposedly stemming from an incident regarding David and one of Sir Martin Sorrell’s nickname is “June 21st”. Harper’s teachers. Because he’s the shortest knight. ______It struck us as being pretty unlikely though >> Moneybags << as a very similar story did the rounds in How to stash your cash early 2016, suggesting that Harper was having to change schools because David What does one do with the money you get had got one of her teachers pregnant. from writing a book about the sitting prime minister shagging a dead pig’s mouth? We Of course, it’s possible that these two stories can’t speak for Lord Ashcroft, sadly, but are one and the same. A two year pregnancy word around Fleet Street is that Isabel is perfectly plausible. If Harper had been Oakeshott put a bit of her pigfucking funds taught by an African Bush Elephant. And towards a particular cosmetic operation. David Beckham had shagged it.
Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
24/45 Twat’s Entertainment! July Gareth Southgate did a solid job of getting millions of people to temporarily put aside their differences to rally round the England squad for the World Cup – but Danny Dyer went one better, managing to briefly unite all four countries of the UK in a rare moment of shared national pride as he loudly called David Cameron a twat on live TV... //////////////////////////////////////////////////// >> Bottled off << Cheryl and Liam responded by making a Water load of fuss very public appearance at the BRIT Awards together. July was a banner month for Tory back- stabbing, but the most egregious example Not because they wanted to, particularly. of it went widely unreported. They stayed together simply to spite the Sun’s former showbiz editor, Dan Wootton A visitor to the offices of the Secretary of ______State for Transport told us that everyone working there was surviving the summer “I’m the daddy with power. I’m the daddy heatwave thanks to their snazzy new Love with the naughtiest streak” – Andrew Griffiths MP Island water bottles. ______
Everyone except for Chris Grayling, that is. >> Drippy Martin << Because no-one wanted to buy him one. Silence: no longer golden ______The National Enquirer ran a pretty risqué Robson Green’s middle name is Golightly. ______quote from Ricky Martin this July: “I love giving the golden shower. I’ve done it >> Chimplosion << before in the shower. It’s like so sexy, you All too much to Bear know, the temperature of your body and the shower water is very different.” Almost four years to the day she married the immaculately bearded Jean-Bernard, When Ricky first talked about enjoying Cheryl Cole split from her baby-making golden showers a few years back, he got baby-boyfriend, Liam Payne. in big trouble with conservative America – who demanded he close down his children’s We understand that the pressures of media charity as he must be an absolute perv. attention can make it harder for a celebrity couple to stay together, but this is one So what on earth could have caused a occasion where the opposite was true. Republican, Trump-loving magazine like When the Sun declared that the couple were the Enquirer to suddenly take a favourable in crisis talks at the beginning of the year, view of piss-play? We can’t think... Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
25/45 Big Questions Answered Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
26/45 A Bold Musk August Madonna turned 60, which gave us the perfect excuse to revisit all of our favourite stories about her; The Chuckle Brothers became the Chuckle Brother, as Barry laughed his last; and Pete Doherty made a welcome return to the front pages – this time for being one of a handful of people to complete the Cliftonville Breakfast Challenge. //////////////////////////////////////////////////// >> Elon-gate << to buy him a drink, whatever you do – unless Out of sight; out of mind you’re willing to pick up a pretty hefty tab.
Elon Musk spent most of August doubling Someone who recently made the offer down on his decision to call a British rescue when they bumped into the millionaire star diver a paedophile, suggesting that because found themeselves taking an order to buy the diver didn’t try to sue him there must vodka for Aoki’s entire table be some truth to his allegation (a legal argument that even we aren’t stupid ______enough to try...) “Millennials are very sweet to me but I’ve read they’re all virgins” It’s easy to mock Musk, but it’s worth – Jilly Cooper remembering that he isn’t the most ______articulate when it comes to explaining himself. >> Thwack to black << The sounds of seduction For example, when he and Talulah Riley split up, rather than get into big conversations Even when he’s engaged in consensual about the break-up, or the heartache, or romancing, it seems that Celebrity Big any of the other emotional unpleasantness Brother housemate Hardeep Singh Kohli that separations inevitably involve, he still manages to make a nuisance of himself simply started telling people she was dead. – as someone who used to live in the flat below him a few years back attests. Including his kids. Whenever Hardeep brought a conquest ______home, they remember very clearly that Vintage Gruesome Twosome? Steve he would crank his stereo right up in an McFadden and Barbara Windsor. (unsuccessful) attempt to cover up the ______worst of the grunting and rutting sounds. >> Six Shooter << Milking vodka from strangers The album he consistently picked to pump to? If you ever spot Steve Aoki in the club and find yourself a little starstruck, don’t offer Back To Black by Amy Winehouse. Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
27/45 Monkey Business The Biggest Question Just when you thought American politics couldn’t get any weirder, a Virginian Republican candidate for Congress, Denver Riggleman, was uncovered as being the artist behind some rather detailed Bigfoot erotica in late July. As ever, it fell to Popbitch to answer the most pressing question it raised: What is going on with Bigfoot’s dick?
//////////////////////////////////////////////////// We at Popbitch try not to pass judgment for Congress, Denver Riggleman was on other people’s sexual proclivities. discovered to have drawn some extremely As Conservative minister after detailed anatomical sketches of the Conservative minister has been outed fictional creature Bigfoot. as having a clear sexual interest in pigs, we have been nothing but supportive.
As experimental sex shops introduce all sorts of fantastical, dystopian and cartoonish dildos into their ranges, we have always made a point of encouraging our readers to check them out.
Over the years we’ve introduced our audience to all sorts of outré sexual practices, including ice-docking, seagulling, dry-socketing and wolfbagging – but, we must confess, Bigfoot erotica was a new one on us.
We learned about it earlier this year when a Virginian Republican candidate The discovery, understandably, caused a lot its girth is likely to be in rough proportion of conversation. to its length. So how thick are we talking here? Yet in all the coverage it generated we couldn’t find a single person who had tried The most comprehensive studies into to answer the most pressing question that humanoid physiology show that, in its this whole thing poses. Specifically: What relaxed state, the human penis has the hell is going on with Bigfoot’s dick? an average length of 3.61in and an average girth of 3.66in. When erect, Seeing as no-one else is willing, or able, to figure it out, it falls to us. So join us as we those dimensions change, lengthening to crack out our rusty GCSE geometry in an 5.16in (a 43% increase) and widening to attempt to get to the bottom of this thing. a circumference of 4.59in (+25%).
If we’re to apply those same proportions //////////////////////// to Bigfoot, then its 22.5in flopper would have a resting circumference of about Monkey Business 23in. When aroused, the entire thing would swell to become 32.2in long and Though there has never been an official 28.5in around. sighting of Bigfoot, folklore has commonly estimated the creature as being anywhere That’s about 2ft 8in long. between six and ten feet tall. For the sake of simplicity, we’ll take a rough average Perhaps this is why Virginian Republican and assume a height of eight feet so that candidate for Congress, Denver we can start to get some answers. Riggleman, chose to create erotica in As we can see from Virginian Republican which Bigfoot’s member isn’t engorged. candidate for Congress, Denver For not only is the prospect of a 32-inch Riggleman’s drawing, this particular cock enough to bring a tear to even the Bigfoot has a dick that, on the slack, reaches most experienced eye, such an almighty all the way down to his knee: approximately whopper would be so big as to (at least the same length as his femur. partially) obscure the Bigfoot’s face.
The femur-to-full-body ratio is about 1:4 in (And according to the book of Bigfoot humans, and about 2:9 in chimpanzees. That erotica, Bigfoot Depravity by Robyn means that, at 8ft tall, we can reasonably North, Bigfoot is described multiple times assume Bigfoot’s flaccid penis just a touch as having a “bloated bell-end”, which shy of two feet long, somewhere close to would only exacerbate this problem.) 22.5 inches. (Or, if you prefer to imagine these things in metric, about 57cm).
Unless Bigfoot has a skinny pencil dick (which isn’t immediately apparent, judging from the width of that censored sign) then ellipsoid shaped, not cuboid, we need to use the formula V = 4/3πabc (where a, b, c are radii) in order to get an accurate gauge of their volume.
That being so, each human testicle takes up about 12.6cm³ of space; and 25.2cm³ as a pair.
As the balls don’t swell to anything like the same degree as the penis in the event of an erection, it doesn’t really matter which state of arousal we use when matching them up so long as we’re consistent. However, for the sake of clarity, we’ll be using the various subjects’ stonk-ons with which to make our calculations.
An average human erection will displace roughly 141cm³, with the balls displacing a further 25cm³ – making the testicle-to- dick volume ratio roughly 2:11. Of course, now that we’ve flipped the censored sign up to cover his towering Our hypothetical Bigfoot erection will erection, another question presents itself: displace roughly 33,986cm3, so we can How big are Bigfoot’s balls? therefore expect the corresponding hypothetical balls to take up about //////////////////////// 6,179cm3 of space. Assuming human testicle shape, you’d Ball Games expect each ball to shape up at 6.2cm x 9.3cm x 12.4cm – but dimensions like Again, we’ll have to assume that Bigfoot that seems as though they would have works along the lines of human proportions required some bulging at the top of the more readily that he does a chimpanzee’s original censored sign to accommodate (and if you have a problem with that, them. blame Virginian Republican candidate for Congress, Denver Riggleman’s drawings As there wasn’t (and we defer to Virginian – not us). Republican candidate for Congress, Denver Riggleman’s greater understanding on The average human male sports testicles these matters) we will have to assume that are 2cm x 3cm x 4cm. As they are that the only way Bigfoot could contain them within such constraints is that he has monster cock talk. Calculating the length, long, narrow balls. girth and capacity of Bigfoot’s dick might be a fun way to spend a few hours, but it’s really just a cover to keep us from asking the truly serious question this whole thing poses.
////////////////////////
The Hard Of The Matter
If we were being sensible, what we’d be asking is why – given that it’s pretty easy to figure out just how big the fictional Bigfoot’s erection would be – did Virginian Republican candidate for Congress, Denver Riggleman, chose to draw Bigfoot erotica depicting Bigfoot with his droop on? Wouldn’t it be more erotic to see him stiff, ready to ravage?
The sexual connoisseurs among you might argue that the best erotica always leaves something back for the imagination. We know what you’re thinking. “What sort Something to stimulate the mind as well of load would long, narrow balls like those as the crotch. It’s that sort of cerebral manage to hold?” element that helps keep erotica distinct from pornography. Don’t worry. We’re way ahead of you. From the type of erotic images that he Human balls, with their 25cm³ capacity, draws in his own private time, it’s entirely generally express an average of 3.5ml of reasonable to deduce that the Virginian semen between them per ejaculation. Republican candidate for Congress, Denver Rigglesman, isn’t that interested seeing in Bigfoot, on the other hand – rocking his huge, beastly cocks squirting out thick ropes femur length dick and his big 6,179cm³ of ape jizz. He might not wish to consider balls – would manage to pump out 809ml the sort of catastrophic devastation that of the good stuff each go (about a pint and such cross-species mating rituals would a half; a few gulps less than what Marc inevitably involve. Almond supposedly got pumped out of him in the 80s). Perhaps Virginian Republican candidate for Congress, Denver Riggleman, feels that it’s Which is all very impressive – but it’s rather best to just marvel at the majesty of its too easy to get distracted with all of this nature – as is. Which is fair enough. Each to their own. The restraint paid off too. For since we first wrote this back in July, Virginian Republican Most likely though, it’s probably because candidate for Congress, Denver Riggleman, an expert like Riggleman will understand has run in the November midterms and that a creature with a dong as monstrous won his seat. At time of writing, this as Bigfoot’s would have trouble sustaining authority on bigfoot erotica is currently a lasting erection. the Representative-Elect for Virginia’s 5th Congressional District. The amount of blood that an erection of Bigfoot’s dimensions could hold would How is this going to eat into his dick- be about 67 pints – the blood of five full drawing leisure time? Probably not well. humans. But Riggleman fans can take solace in the Obviously, there’d be a certain amount of fact that his distillery business will still turn penile and erectile tissue taking up at least over while he takes office – so they can some of that space. But even discounting continue to enjoy his very particular the resting volume of his slack, docile penis brand of ape-based spirits and (14,561cm3) and just considering the liquors... added volume of blood needed to engorge it to full tilt, we’re still looking at 19,425cm3. Nearly 39 pints.
And, yes. You’re right. It’s highly probable that an ape-like creature like Bigfoot would also have a baculum to add to the mix (a bone that runs through the dick of most primates to keep it up during mating). Without knowing the size of said bone, we can’t gauge the exact amount needed – but the point remains. Such a hefty weapon still would require a lot of blood for continued maintenance, likely more than an 8ft primate had to spare at any given moment.
So, in actual fact, Virginian Republican candidate for Congress, Denver Riggleman, ought to be commended for this drawing. It is far too easy to pander to Bigfoot fetishists in the race for high office. Drawing a huge, hulking willy that was fit to burst, would be such an easy way to get his community onside, and lock up that voting bloc. But instead, he has shown some honorable restraint here, depicting Bigfoot with – at most – a lumbering semi. Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
32/45 Cocaine Colons September International politics hit the height of dignity when Stormy Daniels told the world that Donald Trump’s dick reminded her of “the mushroom character in Mario Kart”; Katie Hopkins entered an appeal for an IVA to avoid bankruptcy after libelling Jack Monroe and Vanilla Ice was quarantined aboard a plane after flying from Dubai to New York. //////////////////////////////////////////////////// >> Sleazy Being Green << (Gemma at James Grant Management) will Careful what you contract no doubt be delighted at the effusive praise that Toff heaps on her on page 50. Kate Moss first met Philip Green when he bought a gift that she had donated to a Not to spoil the sentiment, but the entire charity auction - a kiss. Sir Phil chivalrously thing was copied word-for-word from a paid £60k for it, before donating it on to the section she had in an earlier draft that was person he outbid (Jemima Khan). all about her previous manager, Matt. Toff simply switched Gemma’s name in at the It was not long after this that Kate suggested last minute and left the rest of the page the TopShop collaboration that would go on exactly the same. to make them both millions. We’re sure it’s just as heartfelt though... With his post-BHS business fortunes decidedly mixed, Green seems to have ______turned back to this tried-and-tested business “I’ve never been a huge Cher fan” formula. This summer he apparently offered – Cher another young lady up to “half the year’s ______profits” in return for a kiss. >> A low blow << We’ll know if it worked if we see a new Hitting rock bottom clothes range in TopShop by Kate’s teenage daughter before the financial year is out... The newspapers were very keen to point ______out what a blow it must be for Sara Cox to lose out on the Radio 2 Breakfast Show to Bill Cosby’s first meal in prison was a chicken Zoë Ball – especially as the two are such patty with gravy, mixed veg and mash, with close mates. vanilla pudding for afters. Delicious! ______The phrasing might have caused a few >> Toff’s double entry << longtime Popbitch readers to raise their Georgia mismanages her book brows as, back in the height of the ladette scene, the two of them were heavily Georgia Toffolo’s new book, Always Smiling, rumoured to have been dabbling in a little came out in September and her manager Stevie Nicks-style action.
Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
34/45 Getting The Banned Back Together October Injunctions were on the tip of everyone’s tongue again after Sir Philip Green was identified in Parliament as the holder of one; the curse of Strictly struck again as comedian Sean(n) Walsh was caught snogging his married dancing partner on his girlfriend’s birthday; and the editor of Waitrose Magazine decided to wage war on vegans. //////////////////////////////////////////////////// >> Clean Cundy-carriage << strangers who look like they might be able Making a good fist of it to lay on a few lines, Alex likes to pretend that he’s never done cocaine before, but When using the loos at work, footballer would be quite interested in trying it. turned TalkSport broadcaster Jason Cundy If anyone’s gullible enough to fall for it, doesn’t like to use the standard issue toilet they’ll be stuck with him all night as he roll they have on offer to wipe his arse. miraculously develops a taste for it. Instead, he has a more ‘bespoke’ routine. ______
He likes to scrunch a bunch of paper “I would love to be the person who says handtowels around his fist – sort of like a you read this stuff and it doesn’t bother human cottonbud – then douses it in water you. Every word bothers you. Every word.” – Gary Barlow and rubs away until he’s squeaky clean. ______
Obviously he’d risk clogging the bogs if >> Cockwatching << he tried to flush such a mucky wad away In the green room afterwards. So he throws them in the bin instead. We’ve written many stories this year that ______might imply the radio industry is filled with tawdry, cavalier shaggers. In the interests Matthew Vaughn is so colourblind that his of balance, we should point out that there wife, Claudia Schiffer, acts as his unofficial are some responsible shaggers out there colour tester on the films he’s directing. ______too.
>> Blurred Lines << Colin Murray was getting so much action Who’s still falling for this? when he was on Radio 1 he became a little concerned it was turning his cock green. There’s not much to find cute about Alex Obviously, a sensible swordsman always James from Blur these days now that he’s wants to make sure that his piece is healthy, a middle-aged Chipping Norton cheese- so he immediately got it checked out. shagger – but we did enjoy hearing that he’s still pulling his old coke trick. By asking a group of broadcast assistants if they’d cast their eyes over it before he Whenever he’s out and mingling with went on air... Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
35/45 Big Questions: Answered Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
36/45 The Tim Westwood School Of Sexting November A month of high-profile comebacks was kicked off with Carly Rae Jepsen’s Party For One, seemingly an ode to wanking in hotel rooms. Then Cheryl returned with Love Made Me Do It, a decent pop song that only just scraped the Top 20. Then, 25 years after his Christmas No.1, Mr Blobby started taking TV interviews again. //////////////////////////////////////////////////// >> Dyer Situation << ______Pwoper nawty boxers “Journalists say I’ve bullied them. Well, if they A crew member who worked with Danny behave like cunts they get told to fuck off” – Sir Philip Green Dyer on an acting gig was tasked with ______getting him a fresh pair of plain boxers for a scene he was shooting (he couldn’t wear >> Textual misconduct << his own Calvin Klein’s as they couldn’t have Right back plays forward branded clothes on screen). Liverpool’s Trent Alexander-Arnold is She averted her eyes while he pulled his often held up as an example of the new pants down to change, but couldn’t help breed of England footballer. Humble, but hear the question: “Are these going to unflashy, thoughtful – even an enthusiastic fit? Because I’ve got massive balls.” chess player, who put in a pretty decent ______performance against the current world champion. Johnny Depp’s average daily joint consumption on the set of Crimes Of Trent has tried his hand at being a shagger, Grindelwald? Eight. ______but we don’t really think he’s cut out for it. He spent a chunk of his downtime during >> Hungry Ass << the World Cup sexting a pregnant woman Chat-up lines of the stars who had approached him to record a Father’s Day message for her boyfriend. John Barrowman entered the I’m A Celebrity... jungle in November – and we The best he could manage was “Do u like were a little unsure as to how he would cum inside u? I’ll do it inside u... while ur respond to the show’s infamous lack of pregnant” nourishing square meals. ______Not that he’s no stranger to hunger, you >> Old Jokes Home << understand. Back when he was starring in Q/ What is made of brass and sounds like Doctor Who, his preferred chat-up line was Tom Jones? “I got a hungry ass – and it needs feeding.” A/ Trombones ______Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
37/45 Tricks Of The Trade The Clean Kill Now that they can’t hack phones or dress up as Arab businessmen to get the inside scoop on celebrities, unscrupulous tabloid reporters have fewer options left open to them. So when they’re not nicking their ‘exclusives’ off Twitter, how are they sourcing their big, blockbuster stories these days?
//////////////////////////////////////////////////// Ever since the Leveson Inquiry wrapped No, everyone these days has gone legit. Or up, the newspaper industry – in particular, at least that’s how it seems. tabloid showbiz journalism – has been rather keen to make itself look a little more Instead of illegally intercepting their ethical. inboxes, hacks are now bending over backwards to highlight the sorts of positive The days of cheeky bin-rummagers, matey and supportive relationships they have phone-hackers and chummy undercover built with stars. The idea, presumably, is to stings ended when Glenn Mulcaire, Andy display such an outsized sense of respect Coulson and the Fake Sheikh all got sent and appreciation that celebs will somehow to prison. feel comfortable sharing the sorts of stories that once had to be prized out of them by It’s no longer cool to brag about buying force. up people’s medical records. Pressuring impressionable young starlets into scoring But that seems a little strange though, you coke isn’t the crowd-pleasing wheeze no? Settlements are still being reached it once was. If Piers Morgan has any more regarding the phone-hacking scandal. In stories that self-evidently came from the last year, both the Mirror Group and listening to Heather Mills’ answerphone News Group Newspapers have made messages, he’d be smart not to include multiple six-figure payouts to a number of them in any further instalments of his celebrities. The wounds still appear to be memoirs. fairly fresh. So why would celebrities be so willing to line in being exposed; or when PRs want to expose up to make friends with the same papers someone who isn’t really that interesting they’re so often in court with? to access. This can result in a little bit of conflict, but it’s nothing insurmountable. What’s going on? Has the media really found its soft side? Or is there something more One way to solve it is to create some sort of complex at play here? ‘package deal’ where, in order to land a big- name celeb, the journalist will also agree (We’ll give you a clue: the media doesn’t to write a couple of puff pieces elsewhere have a soft side.) about some lesser-known acts who share the same management company. //////////////////////// If the celeb doesn’t have much leverage Business As Usual in the way of star-power, another way is to bump up the level of access they’re For the most part, it works like this. prepared to offer. Maybe they’d allow some Journalists with a page to fill turn to less-than-flattering things to be said about celebrities who are eager to fill a page. them in print? Perhaps they’d agree to some Between them they strike a deal. Exposure candid, intimate shots of a beach holiday? Or in exchange for access. grant an interview about a recent personal tragedy? Sometimes the arrangement is unspoken: say, lobbing a glamorous star a softball If the story is juicy enough (or you’re prepared question on the red carpet so that they to have someone tail you 24 hours a day to give a bland (but exclusive) soundbite that document your every fag, shit or phonecall) can then be whipped up into a story. then it can go a long way to counterbalance the lack of name-recognition. Sometimes the arrangement is more formal: say, Simon Cowell offering up his But what happens when the press gets hold X Factor acts for exclusive interviews on of a proper bombshell? An exposé on a very the understanding that all other coverage influential celebrity; the type that PRs are of his ailing, anaemic singing contests is expressly paid to keep out of the press’s fawning and uncritical. hands?
Stories like this have filled a hundred million An explosive story would all but guarantee a pages, and will fill a hundred million more. spike in sales for the paper, but it would also It is the starch of showbiz journalism. It destroy any chance of any lucrative, long- could be replaced by machine learning term relationship with the celebrity – not to tomorrow and the only people who would mention their colleagues, their keepers and be any the wiser would be the writers who a number of their high-powered associates got fired. too.
The dynamic starts to get a little more That’s quite a lot of collateral for a single complicated when the press wants access scoop. Surely there’s a neater way to work to someone who isn’t really that interested a story like that? Of course there is. It’s called the Clean Kill. If they push the button on this, it will cause you some serious headaches. There are very //////////////////////// few brands or companies that can afford to keep their ties to a documented drug user unsevered – and the bigger and brighter a Setting The Trap star you are, the greater the pressure they’ll be under to distance themselves from you, Ready to do some entirely hypothetical for even the most minor transgression. imagining? So what do you do? You can’t afford another Let’s pretend that you are a famous media injunction. You can’t cross your fingers and personality. The exact particulars of your hope it’ll go away. What other choice do you job are unimportant for our purposes, so have? let’s just say you are well known – both as a name and as a face. You enjoy your job, the Your best bet in this sort of situation is to public seems to like you and your bosses confront the people who have a gun to your are extremely happy with your annual head – and offer to slit your own throat performance. You’re not overexposed, instead. you’re not under-utilised. You work your niche perfectly and you look, pretty much, This is how the Clean Kill works. to be set for life. You agree to go on the record. You agree The only problem is you’re mad into coke. to give quotes, and pictures, and, most importantly, your word that this will all stay This isn’t a little weekends-and-high- exclusive. This is really all that they’re after holidays habit. It’s not really that you take – so, in exchange for that, the journalists a connoisseur’s interest in it either. You just will then afford you some artistic control on love the stuff, plain and simple. With friends. the direction their story takes. Alone. With drinks. Without. Afternoon. Evening. Night. You can’t get enough of it. For example, rather than framing the story around drugs that are illegal to obtain like It’s a problem. Not just in terms of your marijuana or cannabis-derived CBD, you own well-being, but in terms of your career might be able to persuade them to focus prospects too – because guess what? You’ve more keenly on the sorts of drugs you can got sloppy. The press have been tipped off legally possess instead. Like alcohol, for to your prodigious intake and they’ve had instance. Or prescription painkillers. Or bath people staked outside your flat for weeks salts. now, documenting every time your dealer arrives. This will prevent anyone dwelling too much on the potential criminality of your They have pictures. They have people behaviour, and it gives any companies, prepared to offer up quotes. They have all charities or other organisations with whom the evidence they need to get this past their you do business the leeway to spare your in-house lawyers, and they’re ready to print. contract. It will also save the tabloids from having to Maybe you could spin some story about the take too moralistic a stand about cocaine – stresses of fame taking their toll on your the way they would have to when the story marriage – in order to explain your now- hinges around Kate Moss taking it, or Tulisa imminent divorce. As long as you don’t trying to procure some for someone else. grant their rivals an exclusive, the paper won’t care. You may also be able to frame the story in such a way that it sets you up for a Or maybe it’s both. Maybe you’ve been redemptive arc. No-one wants to see caught nursing a prodigious drug habit while someone totally destroyed. So if you look as you’ve been cheating on your wife, and the though you are addressing your problems press has caught you in a tactical pincer head on – that you are making a pledge movement. It happened to Paul Ross. It to do better; taking a chance to take some could happen to anyone. time from the spotlight to work on yourself – not only does it reflect well on you as a The benefits of a Clean Kill should be obvious person, it gives the reporter a whole journey to a snared celebrity – but the press aren’t to cover. There’s three months of stories in giving up their great scoop out of charity. that, for no extra effort. They have their reasons for keeping this neat too… If you wanted to be really cheeky about it, you could even pretend that you’re coming //////////////////////// clean about your drug use to serve some wider, more noble purpose. You could say The Wipe Down that you came to the press with the story to help dismantle the stigma of substance If a paper runs a long lens photo of a celeb addiction, and that the press is doing the emerging from their side-piece’s shagpad, public a great service by running it as it it’s pretty clear how the journos came into may encourage anyone else with similar possession of the story. It’s also pretty struggles to seek help. clear how it might violate a celeb’s Article 8 right to a private life. It doesn’t need to be drugs. Maybe you’ve got a mistress that you’ve been caught with. If the celebrity happened to be aggrieved You could have been spotted out on the town, by the tenor of the article (or, more on a remote tropical island, emerging from likely, the size of the divorce settlement it her house in the Home Counties. It doesn’t inspired) they would have every legal right matter where. It happens everywhere. to sue. Not only would the paper need a The ever-benevolent hacks who have been watertight reason for the intrusion, more trailing you have done you the great service widely it gives the general impression that of handing copies to your PR before they showbiz hacks are up to their old tricks hand any to your wife. again. Snooping around in the bushes, trying to trick people. All very grubby. All They’re offering you the chance to get ahead very early 2000s. of this story if you’re prepared to make it an exclusive? However, if there was some way to convince a celebrity that it would be in their best interests to come forward and speak about investors who have stumped up money these delicate matters without anyone for projects that hinge heavily on a star’s having to resort to publishing such tawdry marketability or executives whose share photos, that would go quite some way to prices are at the mercy of a scandal. making the story look more respectable. They weren’t really too fussed when the It’s the same thing with drug use. Unless papers were filled with reality stars and the celeb is doing it off the bar in the glamour models. But now that bombshells Groucho, it’s usually pretty hard to drum up are bursting in the upper echelons of any hard evidence without installing secret cameras or setting up some sort of sting. Hollywood, TV, the comedy and music And given how badly that backfired for industries, their interest in the matter has Mazher Mahmood last time he tried it (he been somewhat piqued… ended up in jail as an indirect result of his botched attempt to fell Tulisa) it seems that our appetite for this sort of subterfuge is not as endless as it once was.
So, if a reporter can keep that side of the story hidden (the unappetising raw ingredients) and just present us with the end result (a compliant celebrity sausage) then we are much happier with that.
Fandom is much more tribal and intense than it used to be too. If the tabloids go in hard on someone that the public has great affection for, the chances are that it will only serve to create a backlash against the paper. Fans will side with the celebrity, shun the journalist who tried to disparage them and encourage other fans to boycott the paper.
Obviously a fan-led boycott is unlikely to worry the bean-counters, of course, but why risk rocking the boat? If the paper looks to be treating the story seriously and sensitively, then it works out well for everyone. Hack, star and fan alike.
There is one other category of individual who benefits also from the Clean Kill, but theirs is a story that we can’t really do justice here. We’ll tackle them in due course, but they are the shareholders; Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
41/45 Very Legal And Very Cool December And so we reach the end of the year. What’s left on the calendar as 2018 closes out? The way the current horror show of existence is unfolding, it’s anyone’s guess. So to take your minds off whatever fresh disaster is in store, here’s a Rick Astley story that never fails to warm our flinty little hearts... //////////////////////////////////////////////////// >> Ast Christmas << jungle life, as he was the first one to be He never let us down booted out of I’m A Celebrity...
After a particularly gruesome year of stories But Noel has clearly given some thought about the sexual, scatalogical and scrotal as to how he’ll survive when resources get dealings of celebrities, hopefully we can scarce though, as he’s had a 20,000 gallon send you into 2019 with something a little tank of oil fitted at his home in anticipation more wholesome. Like this story, from a of the world’s supply running dry (he reader who told us about what happened tells people he’ll have “two years of clear when Rick Astley moved in near her parents. motoring ahead of him” when it happens).
A younger member of her family came to ______stay for Christmas that year. The kid was “Noel Edmonds is a brand” an autograph hunter who knew Rick Astley – Noel Edmonds from the Rickrolling meme. He wrote a very ______polite note and posted it through Rick’s front door asking if he would sign something for >> Happy Holidays << him. Christmas with the Camerons
On Christmas morning, their doorbell rang. What’s coming up on the David Cameron It was Rick Astley, pen in hand, offering agenda? Well, we’ve just found out that he’s autographs to anyone who wanted one headed to the White House for Christmas. and stuck around for a festive glass of champagne too. Not the one in Washington, obviously. The ______holiday villa in Costa Rica. The good news for Dave is that it looks absolutely lovely. A Elton John’s guest WiFi password is paradise on the coast. The perfect place for ______‘rocketman’ a idyllic getaway.
The bad news? We know who’s renting it >> Crude awakenings << Slick manoeuvres from Noel immediately before you.
Noel Edmonds clearly wasn’t suited to So be sure to sniff your towels...
Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec
Issue Information Credits Huge, huge thanks to everyone that has sent us a story this year, that has offered feedback, that has made a donation to keep us running. It’s been a weird year – and we’re glad that we can play a small part in bringing about some of these stories to wider attention. We couldn’t do it without you, so thanks so much for your support in 2018.
Here’s hoping for more in 2019! //////////////////////////////////////////////////// Pictures Mariah Carey James Devaney/WireImage Penguin WOOHAE CHO/AFP/Getty Images Katie Price Rupert Hartley/REX Kim Jong-un KNS/AFP/Getty Images Nicki Minaj Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images Cliff Richard Jonathan Hordle/REX Meerkats Imagebroker/REX Bigfoot Erotica Denver Riggleman Cheryl Neil Mockford/Alex Huckle/GC Images Otter Handout/Getty Entertainment Images
//////////////////////////////////////////////////// Want More? Sign up for our free weekly newsletter at popbitch.com Email us [email protected] Follow us on Twitter @popbitch