Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec 1/45 Click These Coloured Tabs To Switch Quickly Between Months Farewell To 2018 As the world’s descent into screaming chaos continues unabated, there seems to be little else to do but laugh. To that end, we’ve collected together some of our favourite stories of 2018 so you can hopefully look back on the year with a smile. Cherish it – as there’s no guarantee we’ll be able to do the same in 2019... //////////////////////////////////////////////////// Jan/Feb/Mar ..................... 3-12 Presidential pornstar NDAs! Pube-licking pop stars! Skidmarks in Her Majesty’s bowl! The year began exactly the way you’d expect a year to start these days. With absolute madness. Apr/May/Jun ..................... 13-23 Swinging, slimming chefs! Celebrity conspiracies! Pregnant teachers of the rich and famous! While the world faced nuclear oblivion once more, pop culture kept on delivering weirdness. Jul/Aug/Sep ..................... 24-33 Bigfoot erotica! Piss-play with Ricky Martin! Elon Musk: paedo vigilante! Even when everything else is in disarray, Silly Season never disappoints. Oct/Nov/Dec ..................... 34-45 Cundy the Bog Clogger! Sexting with the stars! Christmas with Rick Astley! The year might be winding down, but the stories aren’t letting up. Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec 3/45 Befriend It Like Beckham January The year kicked off with some extraordinary scandal at the White House as Stormy Daniels’ $130,000 sex NDA was uncovered, setting off a chain of events that led us to learn the leader of the free world once got spanked with a copy of Time magazine that had his own face on the cover – making Gwyneth Paltrow’s coffee enemas look positively tame... //////////////////////////////////////////////////// >> Crank Shaft << the props on display was the set of metal Beckham and deck’em dentures made famous by Bond baddie, Jaws. Richard Kiel, the giant who played David Beckham started the year as he him, found that he could only wear them meant to go on: by drawing serious for a few minutes at a time because the whispers about the state of his marriage. size of them made his mouth bleed. But He was seen getting rather close to one of when Walliams asked to try them on, he the women at his agency – but as well as happily wore them for a solid hour or more. making an unwise friend, it looks like he made a bit of an unwise enemy too. So, please. Let’s all try to be kind next time he comperes a seedy gropefest. That big Becks used to be good mates with Jason mouth of his is potentially a medical issue. Statham, but the Stathamator spent a lot _________________________________ of early 2018 telling pals how much he’d like to “punch David Beckham in the face”. “Everyone knows that they shouldn’t take Why? Because Becks wouldn’t stop texting a shit on my plane” his fiancée, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. – Lewis Hamilton _________________________________ _________________________________ Stormy Daniels’ movie credits include >> Girl Talk << Breast Side Story, The Da Vagina Code and What’s in a name? Legally Boned. _________________________________ The decision to retire walk-on girls – first at the darts, then for F1 – made for some >> Host With The Most << lively debate. And who did Radio 5 Live Bigmouth strikes again get on to give their opinion on the matter of whether or not it’s appropriate to have David Walliams’ big mouth got him in women displaying their bodies at such trouble when he hosted the Presidents Club events? Part-time grid girl... Charlotte Gash! Dinner in January – but it does occasionally come in handy. (Better yet, Charlotte goes by “Lottie” on social media – giving her the sort of name Walliams was once treated to a visit around that even Austin Powers would boggle at... the James Bond archives, where one of Lottie Gash!) Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec 4/45 Big Questions: Answered Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec 5/45 The Price Is Shite February Kylie Jenner demonstrated the power of modern celebrity when she wiped $1.3 billion off the share price of a Silicon Valley giant with a single tweet about Snapchat. Meanwhile, Quincy Jones went on an outstanding press tour, giving two of the greatest interviews of all time, holding forth on everyone he’d ever met... //////////////////////////////////////////////////// >> ‘Merkin sweethearts << about 10 minutes in she turned round to Hair today, gone tomorrow him and said “Have you slimed yet, Terry?” What caused Jennifer Aniston and Justin When he pointed out his name was actually Theroux’s split? Was Jen hoarding notes Robbie, her response was: “Whatever...” from Brad Pitt? Did Justin have his head _________________________________ turned by Emma Stone? Or was it something to do with Justin’s inability to clean up after “[Marlon Brando] was the most charming himself, post-grooming? motherfucker you ever met. He’d fuck anything. Anything. He’d fuck a mailbox” Crew who worked on The Leftovers series – Quincy Jones got a taste of Justin’s sloppy habits first- _________________________________ hand. One poor dogsbody was tasked with cleaning the basin and toilet of Justin’s >> Official business << pubic hair cuttings – which he attended to Inspecting the Royal throne with nail scissors in his winnebago on a bi- weekly basis. When she visited Parliament in February to discuss online trolling and Harvey’s Law, _________________________________ Katie Price – along with her mum and two Dom from Don’t Get Done, Get Dom’s of her kids – was given a special tour of the doorbell plays Knocking On Heaven’s Door. Palace of Westminster. _________________________________ As part of the tour, the guide managed >> Slime Of The Times << to sneak them into the Robing Room, the Doing things down under room that’s reserved for the Queen to change into her ceremonial robes when she Robbie Williams played a big outdoor gig is in attendance, as well as pointing out the at a winery in the Yarra Valley, telling the special bathroom that Her Majesty uses. audience “I fucking love you, Australia”. This is the story he used to illustrate why. Katie’s mum and kids were very respectful and reverent throughout – but Katie was Williams told the crowd that on a previous less so, screeching at the guide “COME tour he met a girl in a club and took her ON THEN, LET’S SEE IF THERE ARE ANY home. They got down to business and SKIDMARKS!” Jan-Mar Apr-Jun Jul-Sep Oct-Dec 6/45 Celebrity Shilling Taking Care Of Bidness The story of Paul from S Club 7 selling his BRIT Awards on eBay really caught the imagination of the public. But he’s not the first celeb to try to hawk stuff on eBay to make ends meet. Hell, he’s not even the first member of S Club 7 to do it. There’s a thriving marketplace for celebrity tat – and it’s often run by the celebs themselves... //////////////////////////////////////////////////// It’s a tricky position to be in, being a to eBay with a pseudonymous account and dormant celeb. Not famous enough to bring then auction off whatever old shit they can in the big bucks for a personal appearance; stick their signature on – and maybe skim too famous to be able to apply for a normal an extra quid or two in surplus postage job on civvy street. You basically have to charges. hope that you strike a good enough deal appearing in panto in December that you In January, Paul Cattermole became the can coast by until Freshers’ Week gigs kick latest in a long line of former stars who off the following September. have been taking to the internet to flog their wares. Here’s a couple of the others... But what if the call never comes? What if the years roll by, your savings deplete, the //////////////////////// royalty cheques get smaller, and you find yourself doing supermarket openings for Jo from S Club petrol money and per diems? You still have bills to pay. You still have to put food on Wherever did Paul get the idea to hawk his the table. How are you supposed to make old SC7 stuff for some cash? Probably from money? S Club stalwart, Jo O’Meara... The preferred method of the unsentimental After tanking her reality TV prospects celeb (the type who collected a ton of after getting embroiled in the Celebrity Big memorabilia in their heyday) is to sign up Brother race row of 2007 (and S Club 3 never really taking off, despite many …but as for the rest of us? We had to scour attempts to launch) Jo’s official Twitter “Lenny”’s transaction history to confirm our account suddenly became very interested suspicions. in all the S Club memorabilia that was available on eBay. Jo would frequently direct her followers to check out various bits of bric-a-brac that were up for auction – often featuring signed pictures of Jo herself. Then, last August, she finally came clean to everyone. Lenny is the name of her son – which accounts for the ‘Lenny’ and the ‘Boy’ portions of the moniker. But 831? It’s not immediately clear. Jo was born on April 29th. Lenny was born on May 12th. So it’s neither one’s birthday. Vanity searching on eBay? We wouldn’t 831 is unlikely to be just a random sequence put it past any celeb to do that – but however, because it’s not the only internet there was something unusual about the account she uses it for… lots she was finding.