“Keep the Cat Free” ISSUE 1502 FELIX 18.11.11 The student voice of Imperial College London since 1949 GREEN WEEK 2011 Get ready for next week’s events with a special green feature : Page 22-23

Tommy Allieri POLITICS NHS Trust rejects Are we apathetic? improper As students across the country prepare for further action, Felix asks Imperial about the importance of protesting: Page 6 fi nancial Palestinian students behaviour come to Imperial allegations Page 15 Charles Betts Maciej Matuszewski MUSIC The Imperial College Healthcare NHS Trust has rejected allegations of impropri- ety from The Sunday Times and Private Eye concerning its commissioning of man- agement training courses from Coales- cence Consulting, which is owned by the Trust’s interim chief executive Mark Da- vies and his wife Karen Johnson. Davies is not employed directly by the NHS. Imperial College pays £2,000 a day to a company called Scenario One, owned by Johnson, for his services. He can be Aftermath of the engaged for up to 200 days a year for no more than two years and has already been Felix Music Night paid £144,000. He will be paid £800,000 by the trust if he holds the position for the Page 28 full term. It was reported in The Sunday Times that over £55,000 has been paid to Coalescence Consulting since 2010, including £39,570 so far this fi nancial year. The courses were said to include “equine guided leader- TELEVISION ship”, run by Redland Equestrian, which is owned by Johnson and lists Davies as a director. It has also been reported that staff are very angry about money being spent on leadership training courses. The Trust has stated that the decision to commission Coalescence took place before Davies joined Imperial College Health- care and that that the services of Redland Equestrian had last been employed more than two years prior to him taking up his post. A spokesperson for Imperial College Dealing with the Healthcare NHS Trust said: “The Trust has never commissioned equine leadership hard-hitting Top Boy courses while Mark Davies has been its ...Continued on Page 5 Page 32 2 Madagascar contains a rainforest where 60% of its 12,000 different plant species are unique to that island – GREEN WEEK 2011 Friday 18 november 2011 FELIX HIGHLIGHTS

What’s on GREEN WEEK CLASSIFIEDS

We’ve gone Green. Like the Hulk, One spare room available at £487.50 a month in Shepherds Bush, 20 minute cycle from college. RAG LOST but not as angry Open to anyone, other lodgers are three males. Contact details: [email protected] Possibly the most fun you can have without spend- ing any money, LOST is a unique event where you wind up somewhere in the countryside and all you need to do is get back to the Union for a well-earned drink. The day starts with a blindfolded coach trip, and then you need to beg and barter your way back, with prizes for most interesting ride hitched and highest raisers. Beit Quad, Imperial College Union Send us your classifieds! Saturday 26 November [email protected]

The Data Debate

Scientifi c data is more freely available than ever. But does the push for openness help or hinder Serious greenery going on here science?A debate to launch the new issue of In- dex on Censorship magazine, ‘Dark Matter: what’s Just so we’re clear, Felix accepts no responsibility science got to hide?’ Registration in advance at for services bought or sold, capiche? Good. http://bit.ly/rF8NWP So we’ve gone a little environmentally mad this week. Next Monday marks the Mech Eng, Lecture Theatre 220 beginning of Green Week, where Imperial Tuesday 06 December holds several environment-themed Lolcat of teh week 18:30–20:00 events. You might just notice the green Andrew Greig headers throughout the paper this week. ggonnaonna wwowow tehteh ladiezladiez Intelligence² Check them out, we’ve also gone fact ddownown eefoseefos crazy. And I mean literally everywhere. Intelligence² is launching its inaugural fl ight into the future with the iq² If Conference. Our crew of Our Environmental Fact Guru has earned celebrated scientists, award winning architects, far- sighted futurologists and other brilliant minds will their year’s (zero) salary with this week’s enlighten us about the excitements and the dan- gers of tomorrow’s world. For online discounts, visit performance. Have a look at our double http://bit.ly/v3m5Vs page spread, see what events take your Royal Geographical Society fancy, and get going! November 25-26 iinn mmahah nnewew vvestest Editor

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Email: [email protected]. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, Northcliffe House, Meadow Road, Derby. Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. FELIX Copyright © Felix 2011.

Editor-in-Chief Matthew Colvin Deputy Editor Charles Betts News Editors Sophia David Alex Nowbar Reporters Alexander Karapetian Maciej Matuszewski Deepka Rana Features Editors Katy Bettany Stephen Smith Sports Editors Indy Leclercq David Wilson Sports Rookies Gabriel Oppetit Johnny Wong Science Editors Kelly Oakes Alexander Karapetian Politics Editors Rajat Jain Joseph Letts Business Editors Beñat Gurrutxaga Lerma Nina Kearsey Technology Editors Chris Bowers Feroz Salam Comment Editors Tim Arbabzadah Samuel Horti Arts Editors Will Prince Eva Rosenthal Music Editors Iñigo Martinez de Rituerto Stephen Smith Fashion Editors Saskia Verhagen Alice Yang Television Editors Matt Allinson James Simpson Film Editors John Park Lucy Wiles Games Editor Laurence Pope Food Editors Anastasia Eleftheriou Michael Krestas Home & Garden Editors Tim Arbabzadah Charles Betts Navid Nabijou Travel Editors Dushi Arumuganesan Chris Richardson Online Editors Chris Birkett Jonathan Kim Kadhim Shubber Puzzles Captain James Hook Photo Editor Miles Robertson Copy Editors Veli Akiner Carol Ann Cheah Philip Kent Jonathan Peek Deepka Rana Annina Sartor FELIX Friday 18 november 2011 3 News Editors: Sophia David Alex Nowbar [email protected] NEWS

Online calculator launched Kadhim Shubber Prospective students to have increased access to fi nancial support information as new package approaches

Sophia David rial College London, said: “Over the ual household income of up to £60,000 last year, we’ve been working closely will be eligible. Those students in the A new online calculator was launched with out Students’ Union to develop top bracket (from households with an this week by Imperial, aiming to give a fi nancial support package that is at- income of £55,001 to £60,000), will prospective students better access to tractive and reassuring to prospective receive a £900 bursary. At the other information on the fi nancial support students. The new web tool helps us to end of the scale, a maximum amount available to help fund their studies. communicate that package alongside of £6,000 will go to home undergradu- the other types of fi nancial assistance ate students from households with an available to students from government annual residual household income of “We’ve been working sources. It gives anyone considering up to £25,000. Of this £6,000, £2,500 undergraduate study at Imperial clear of this will be used directly towards ... to develop a fi nan- advice on what support they may be paying tuition fees, whilst the remain- eligible for and reinforces our message ing £3,500 will be paid directly into the cial support package that if you have the ability to manage student’s bank account. our courses, we will help you manage that is attractive and our costs.” Scott Heath, President of Impe- “To anyone who is reassuring to pro- rial College Union, said: “As a stu- Yet again, companies attract students with even more shiny things spective students.” dent from a single-parent family I am considering applying greatly aware of the fi nancial consid- erations around university application. ... I recommend that Beit Quad was transformed on Tuesday With tuition fees rising to £9,000 per Tools such as the fi nance calculator are year and new fi nancial support arrange- invaluable, as they make it clear how they try the calcula- evening when J.P. Morgan installed their ments being introduced by the College, much support prospective students ‘Field of Sparks’ light installation. Simi- the calculator is designed to help pro- could get if they come to Imperial. To tor today.” spective undergraduates considering anyone who is considering applying, or lar to exhibits at the Eden Project and joining in September 2012. By input- is just curious about the result, I rec- ting details about their fi nancial cir- ommend that they try the calculator The launch of the new calculator the V&A Museum, it was made up of cumstances, prospective students and today.” on Monday coincided with Student parents can receive information on the The new fi nancial package for 2012 Finance Day, designed to explain the stems and spheres containing fi bre optic support they may be entitled to, from will provide support on a sliding scale changes to student fi nance from 2012 both Imperial and government sources. to a wide range of students. All those and improve understanding of the new threads. Sir Keith O’Nions, Rector of Impe- from households with an annual resid- system.

Exhibition Road hosts festival to Sponsored Editorial coincide with Olympic Games More student cuts Navid Nabijou Discount haircuts for Imperial For those of you planning a work place- ment this summer, here’s something that students at Fresh Hairdressers might make you reconsider. The (Ex- hibition) Road Show, a nine-day street festival being held right on Imperial’s More student cuts for Imperial 0207 823 8968. Ask for a doorstep, is set to be unmissable. Part students at South Kensington’s student discount and bring your of the wider celebrations for the 2012 FRESH Hairdressers. Imperial ID. Olympics, the event will be held from Men’s cuts £22 Cash only. July 28 until August 5, coinciding with Women’s shampoo and cut and the beginning of the Games. shake dry £28 The event draws parallels with Ex- Women’s shampoo, cut and hibition Road’s original namesake: the blow-dry £38 Great Exhibition of 1851. The blueprint All of our cuts are done by highly for all ‘Great Exhibitions’ to come, it Artist’s impression of the completed refurbishment of Exhibition Road experienced stylists. drew people from all over the world to Tuesday to Fridays 9.30 to marvel at its exhibits, presented in the 4.30 (sorry no discounts on spectacular (now destroyed) Crystal will be displayed in all their glory, along dancing and salsa. Saturdays). Palace in Hyde Park. with large trailers hosting an array of And if all that still doesn’t tickle your We are only 70 metres from During next year’s festival, the different entertainments. Amongst the interest, you won’t be able to resist the South Kensington tube station lengthy refurbishment works on Exhibi- exhibits lined up are a number of art-sci- spectacular aerial acrobatics display, To book an appointment, call tion Road – long the chagrin of Imperial ence collaborations; and in the evening a set amidst the columns of the College’s students rushing to morning lectures – live orchestra will accompany ballroom main entrance on Exhibition Road. Deutsche Bank

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NEW YORK, USA FELIX Friday 18 november 2011 5 News Editors: Sophia David Alex Nowbar [email protected] NEWS Trust responds to news reports

Imperial College Healthcare NHS Trust ...Continued from Front Page made payments to Coalescence Consult- In response to the allegations, Mark Chief Executive. Preliminary investiga- ing of £39,000 for this fi nancial year. Davies wrote an email to all Imperial tions indicate that there were two half- However, this fi gure does not relate to Healthcare Staff on November 14 that is days in 2008 - more than two years be- the commissioning of any equine cours- inline with the response from the spokes- fore Mark joined - where a small group es and relates to leadership development person for Imperial College Healthcare of senior clinicians and managers from training including coaching, facilitation, NHS Trust. He concludes: “I hope this the Trust attended the equine guided strategic planning sessions and team de- clears things up and reassures [the staff] leadership courses. Approximately 15 velopment.” that all the business carried out was people in total attended. The purpose of completely above board and in line with the training was to assist in the develop- Trust policies.” ment of leadership skills amongst newly “Taking all relevant Issues still remain regarding the fi nan- formed clinical management teams. cial and administrative situation of Impe- “Imperial College Healthcare NHS factors into account, rial College Healthcare, which manages Trust (ICHT) commissioned leadership fi ve London Hospitals including Charing and development services from Coales- the Trust has thought Cross, Hammersmith and St Mary’s. The cence Consulting in line with normal Trust, which the Fulham & Hammer- processes prior to the appointment of it is still appropriate smith Chronicle recently reported had Mark Davies as interim Chief Executive the seventh highest number of “com- in May. for the company to plaints referred to the Health Service “Prior to his arrival at ICHT, Mark provide its services.” Ombudsman in 2010/2011”, is facing Davies resigned as a director of the com- a budget defi cit of over £35m. While it pany. On arrival he declared an interest rejected claims by made by the Indepen- in the company and he has not been in- dent earlier this year that it is consider- volved in the decision-making regarding Mark Davies is described as a “Senior ing closing down St Mary’s as a result the continuation of any services. Taking Consultant and Executive Coach” on the of this shortfall, many will be wondering all relevant factors into account, the Trust Coalescence website. Karen Johnson is whether the cash-strapped organisation has thought it is still appropriate for the described as “Managing Director of Co- can afford to be paying tens of thousands company to provide services to the Trust. alescence, Board Development and Ex- of pounds for “ leadership development “Imperial College Healthcare has ecutive Coach”. training”. Chief Executive of the Imperial NHS Trust Mark Davies WE (STILL) FELIX NEED YOU News Reporters ...and everything in between. If you’re interested in getting involved with Felix in any way, Illustrators just send an email to [email protected]. Or swing by the offi ce, we have Photographers a microwave now. Score. 6 When you visit a pharmacist, a quarter of all purchases will have come from a tropical rainforest – GREEN WEEK 2011 Friday 18 november 2011 FELIX Features Editors: Katy Bettany Stephen Smith FEATURE [email protected] Why aren’t we protesting? Matthew Colvin reports on what prevents students from taking to the streets

Tommy Allieri he past year has seen stu- dent activism reach previ- ously unmatched levels. Just over a year since the fi rst major protest against Tthe Coalition Government’s policies on higher education, the past week has seen another take place on the streets of London. Organiser for the National Campaign Against Fees and Cuts Mi- chael Chessum has announced a further day of action next week on November 23. These protests have seen vocal sup- port from other universities, yet one constant remains – a perceived lack of interest from Imperial students. Despite the close proximity of Imperial to the heartland of the protests, there has been no recent concerted effort to gather stu- dents in an effort to join the protestors. Felix spoke to students this week in order to determine their opinions towards student protests and unravel the reasons behind what could be per- ceived as campus-wide apathy. What emerged from conversations were varying claims covering a wide area of Imperial life. Last Wednesday’s protests attracted thousands of students from across the country One of the most popular responses students gave for a lack of political ac- tivity was a large workload. A fi rst year mate amongst students at Imperial, terms of attracting support from Impe- ever, I don’t think it is apathy either. dicative of the feelings of Imperial EEE student remarked that they had something the chair describes as “very rial. There is a lack of encouragement to do students: “We may see counterparts at “too much work to be bothered,” with a different from 10 years ago at Impe- “I think when something as emotion- so, possibly. UCL and LSE leading their students second year biochemistry student refer- rial, where nearly everyone I knew was al as this hits this close to home, people “Maybe the political views are just on protests but that doesn’t mean their encing “four deadlines last week” as an out en force for the protest against the start to take a stand. Personally, I just too varied, and the Union can’t easily entire student body is more caring than example of such assignments. invasion of Iraq.” When asked as to felt that I owed to it to the lecturers who pinpoint some and support those. May- ours about political issues.” It may have been one of the most the reason behind Imperial’s compara- had taught and were teaching me at the be the Union and its involved students “Instead of fi ghting the College about popular responses from students Felix tive political inactivity today, the chair time. These lecturers had invested so are too wrapped in internal politics to its stance of the £9k fee, the Union asked but could it really be the case noted a number of potential reasons, much time in teaching, coaching and in- really notice what’s going on beyond worked with it to ensure students are that a perceived higher workload is including an “intense” workload, “apa- teracting with students, bringing us up Beit Quad to an extent where they more fi nancially supported when com- responsible for a lack of political mo- thy along the lines of ‘I can’t make’ a from freshers to graduates. We all got would join a protest en-masse. I’m re- ing to Imperial next year. Student will tivation? Other individuals are keen to difference’” and Imperial’s location in to know them not just as teachers, but ally not sure. I don’t particularly think have more support than they get under make mention of Imperial’s unique po- Central London, claiming that “Impe- as people. The manner in which these it is the Union’s fault, either. I know the current £3k fee system. Instead of sition as a science-based institution – a rial students would rather be doing people we respected and admired were they have done plenty to support and spending hours promoting marches, we second year biochemistry student com- something that is more exciting.” being sacked was completely atrocious. oppose national political proposals in are championing the ideas we raised in mented that, “science is in isolation; it’s “There are a whole host of reasons I guess someone had to stand up and the past. Look at the Browne Report, the NSS response that will directly af- not about dealing with relationships. in my humble opinion, but I believe show the College how badly they were the President that year was actively fect our members and will reap greater People do not disagree that something raising awareness is fundamental so at handing the entire situation.” involved in consultation with Lord benefi ts for the students of tomorrow.” is wrong but science is not directly least there is an informed choice to be Asking whether Imperial would Browne himself.” Parmar, conversely, supports the about what happens now.” active or not.” benefi t from a more politically active Unlike other student unions across view that “it is the political stance of Equally, it is a possibility that politi- Yet Imperial students have stood to- and aware student body, Wan believes the country, Imperial College Union re- the students as a whole,” alongside a cal identity has something to do with gether en masse in protest for a joint that, “as a student body, Imperial likes fuses to break ultra vires, or act outside higher workload: “The majority (but of the decision of students not to protest. cause – not in Central London, but at to keep themselves to themselves. In of its constitution. Actively supporting course not all) of our students tend to It is, of course, wholly irresponsible to last December’s Life Science Protests. some ways, it can be healthy that Impe- the protests, as sabbatical offi cers from focus on their degrees and involvement class the majority of Imperial students Following the announcement of staff rial students rather concentrate on the other UK universities have done, would with societies. Our students can often under one entire ideology, but does this redundancies and departmental restruc- matters that directly affect themselves, be an example of this. Felix spoke to feel like they’re over-worked and don’t university lend itself to one particular ture in the Department of Life Sci- such as the Life Sciences Protests.” Union President Scott Heath and Dep- feel like they have time to campaign on viewpoint? In particular, a viewpoint ences late last year, over 1000 students When asked why it is that national uty President (Education) Jason Parmar political issues.” that encourages uncapped fees in order signed a petition against the proposed events do not command the same to discuss their views on the situation. In terms of actual activism, it is clear to benefi t the university? Rory Fen- changes. Alongside this, students took amount of attention from Imperial Heath – supporting the view that being that this university is unique. Ultimate- ton’s article (right) attempts to dissect to protesting outside a Senate meeting. students, Wan concedes that this “is at a science-focused university lends ly, the fact that this institution fi nds it- the issue in greater detail. Felix spoke to one of the organisers something I have always struggle to itself to students focusing on their de- self in such a science-focused position Felix contacted Imperial College behind the protests, Dan Wan, then a understand. I don’t think it is a lack of grees and future careers – is keen to will allow the debate surrounding stu- Conservative Society in order to gauge third year biologist, to determine what opinion, you can see that through just stress that the sight of students from dent protests to continue for now – be- its opinion on the current political cli- set this protest apart from others in talking to people around campus. How- other universities protesting is not in- hind closed doors. FELIX Friday 18 november 2011 7 FEATURE Protesting at Imperial Kelly Osborne on why she feels the need to protest

What protests have you been to recently? opportunities of higher education, which is from privileged backgrounds where cuts on important. But I also feel they have been education or rising food prices due to cli- The last protests I went to were some of counterproductive in that they have been mate change won’t affect them. the student cuts protests last year. The infamous for violence and general idiotic student cuts protests were genuinely in- behaviour by the minority of people. I also think it has become unfashionable, “They have allowed peo- timidating so I haven’t attended recently. other ways of expressing annoyance are pre- Do I think the current government will ferred. And of course everyone is very busy ple to express their genu- Why do you feel the need to protest? change their minds about the increas- and stressed. ing fees over the protests? Not unless it ine outrage at an elitist I feel it is another way to express your opin- proves to be economic for them. Do you think that Imperial should in fact system that will harm ion in a democratic society, where other be more active and whose responsibility is mechanisms of getting your voice heard, Why do you think that Imperial is politi- that? the lower middle classes such as writing to your local MP, feel like cally inactive compared to other universi- they are getting nowhere. ties? I don’t think people should be forced to pro- opportunities of higher test, I think people should care about the Do you think the protests regarding the I read recently that scientists, and male issues at hand and so use their initiative to education, which is im- changes to the current student fi nance scientists in particular, are less likely to go to protests, if they feel the issues would system so far have achieved anything? display empathy than the general popula- benefi t from that sort of complaint. Maybe portant.” tion. (From Matt Ridley’s, Nature via nur- its society’s responsibility to shape future I think they have allowed people to express ture) A lack of empathy could lead to apathy generations to be less indifferent? Although their genuine outrage at an elitist system on issues that do not directly affect you, I’m not trying to say that not protesting that will harm the lower middle classes and so I think imperial students are often makes you indifferent. Just how conservative are we? Rory Fenton on Imperial’s political viewpoint

The week before I started my fi rst year pus it’s the infamous “ratio”, not old- fash- servatism to protect their vested interests. rial aren’t so much dyed-in-the-wool To- here I went to the Fresher’s Fair at Queen’s ioned morals. It is certainly true that Imperial students ries as libertarians, “conservatives with a University Belfast, my local. Going to Im- But while we may be generally apathetic, are more privileged than most – some small ‘c’” in the words of the Conservative perial’s the week after was a more or when we do get political are we, as a stu- 37% came here from private schools and Society chair. More philosophical than less similar affair – the same hobbies dent body, quite right-wing? This seemed just 2.9% qualifi ed for free school meals, partisan. In fact it may well be that the and sports, the same international soci- to be the case last year when Imperial Col- compared to 7% and 5% respectively in the relatively calm political atmosphere here eties and charities. But one thing stood lege Union spoke out on the Brown Review country. But Oxford and Cambridge with enables people to have opinions that in out as missing – where was the political of tuition fees. This made them no differ- their famously privileged intake still have another university would leave them os- Left? Unlike Queen’s with its range of left ent to any other students’ union except signifi cant left wing groups and student tracized. wing groups all vying for attention, sing- for one thing- they spoke out in favour of protest movements. And while, yes, the cur- ing revolutionary songs and pronouncing the fees. So did Felix. Brown was in favour rent Conservative leader went to Oxford, so on student fees and corporate greed, this of uncapped fees, a move that even the did the Labour leader. We’re still no further. “Some would argue that fl edgling physicist saw just two people Conservative-led coalition government op- quietly manning a Socialist Workers stall, posed and yet our union, a lone island in Imperial students are nestled uncomfortable between stalls a sea of student union outrage, backed “90% of students agree from the various investment banks and oil them. simply posher than most companies we all know and love on cam- But how representative of its students with paying something pus. The Left, it seemed, had left. The was ICU’s decision? From the Union’s own and naturally lean to- question is – has it ever been here? Is survey at the time of the Brown Report, for our time here, put- Imperial naturally conservative? while some 90% of students (including wards conservatism to overseas students) supported some kind ting them signifi cantly at protect their vested in- of fees, just 13% agreed with a fully un- odds with the majority of “One thing stood out as capped system, as supported by their terests.” Union. So it seems that the full extent of students nationwide.” missing – where was the the Union’s stance was unrepresentative of its students. But it remains the case It would seem that IC student opinion that 90% of students agree with paying political Left?” So how does this perceived right-wards tends to be shifted to the right of most something for our time here, putting them shift fi t with the idea that Imperial students other universities but there may be many signifi cantly at odds with the majority of We certainly aren’t socially conserva- are apolitical? The chair of Imperial’s Con- reasons behind this. It could just be that students nationwide. tive. Imperial was ranked by LGBT rights servative Society points out that “conser- more than anything else, the calmer, Of course the elephant in the room for group Stonewall as the most gay-friend- vatism as a movement and being a member more tolerant political atmosphere simply such an issue is class – some would argue ly university in the UK and if anything is of the political party are two vastly different allows for a wider exploration of different that Imperial students are simply posher stopping students from availing of the things”. Viewed in this way, things start to ideas. A strange irony for such an apoliti- than most and naturally lean towards con- freely distributed condoms around cam- make more sense. Conservatives at Impe- cal place. 8 The energy saved by recycling a single aluminum can is enough to run a TV for three hours – GREEN WEEK 2011 Friday 18 november 2011 FELIX Science Editors: K e l l y O a k e s Alexander Karapetian SCIENCE [email protected] In brief Global warming is Frog trade linked to killer fungus

Scientists have reason to believe that the global happening, say sceptics trade in amphibians may have helped create and spread a deadly fungal disease. Dr Matthew Fisher, from the School of Public Health at Imperial Col- Carys Cook on why the Berkley Earth Project is a step in the right direction lege London, has led an international team of sci- entists in the inquiry of this issue. Their research has shown that trade may have allowed non-lethal t’s offi cially offi cial! The Earth is heat- strains of the chytrid fungus from different parts of ing up. This is the conclusion of the most the world to come into contact with each other. This up-to-date and comprehensive study into interaction has lead to the formation of a new and recent changes in Earth’s land surface lethal strain of chytrid fungus by a process called temperatures. The Berkeley Earth Proj- recombination, and which may responsible for the Iect (BEP), based at the University of California, decline of the amphibian population. was developed by a group of climate scientists Scientists are perplexed by the fact that some and statisticians in response to criticisms by cli- amphibians are able to coexist alongside the chy- mate sceptics of existing surface temperature trid fungus, Batrachochytrium dendrobatidis (Bd). In records. The project combined over 1.6 billion an attempt to trace the history of Bd, 20 samples measurements from the last two hundred years of the skin-infecting fungus were isolated from 11 from over 39,000 weather stations globally, and amphibian species worldwide and subsequently utilised new statistical algorithms to integrate sequenced and compared. As the researchers had the multiple fragmented data sets available from already suspected, results yielded that there actu- the historical record. Their results reveal an 1°C ally exists more than one type of strain of chytrid increase in average global temperature since the I didn’t commision this piece just so I could use a photo of baby polar bears. Honest fungus. A total of three were found and the deadly, 1950’s, a conclusion that is supported by mul- global panzootic lineage (GPL) was identifi ed. Evi- tiple existing temperature records produced by dence of gene exchange was found in the hyperviru- the Met Offi ce, NASA, the US National Oce- lent BdGPL, which has made an appearance in at anic and Atmospheric Administration and the in the BEP are considered as some of the most that others have found – is not usually seen least fi ve continents so far. The fungus is respon- Climate Research Unit (CRU) at the University vocal climate change sceptics in the academic as signifi cant enough for a paper in a major sible for the extinction of over 200 species of frogs, of East Anglia. world, with the project developed to address journal.” As recognised by the BEP group, one toads, salamanders and newts and has caused So you may ask why is this news worthy, these very concerns. The ultimate irony, there- of the complaints held by some non-specialists infections in North America, Central America, the if the scientifi c community already knew the fore, lies in the fact that despite the criticisms critical of how climate science is produced is Caribbean, Australia and Europe. Earth was heating up? Well, unless you have of existing records, the attempt to produce a the isolated and potentially closed off nature Experts have been able to match the initial dip had your head stuck in a bucket over the last more ‘robust’ temperature record has produced of the formal peer review process. Without in the amphibian population around the 1970s few years, you will know that the climate sci- the exact same results as the previous records. getting into the philosophy behind the ensur- with the emergence of the amphibian trade. In one ence community has had a pretty rough time of Another possible issue is the BEP’s decision ing scientifi c rigour, there is no doubt that, scenario, a captive breeding and reintroduction it lately. Death threats, slander and the risk of a to release their fi ndings to the public before by and large, independent review by peers is program attempting to boost numbers of an endan- ruined career are all possibilities climate scien- subjecting them to peer review – they argue an excellent form of improving the quality of gered Mallorcan midwife toad may have actually tists must face today. Despite an overwhelming that an open access wiki-style forum is better scientifi c publications. Professor Hoskins ex- helped spread Bd from captive African clawed frogs consensus held by the vast majority of climate for the scientifi c process than independent re- pressed some concern about the BEP’s deci- to toads. Despite widespread effort to understand scientists that the Earth is warming, there is still views by academic peers, an opinion that may sion to hold back on subjecting their fi ndings the emergence of chytrid fungus, many aspects of a palpable disparity between this agreement and be more damaging to the robustness of their and methods to peer review before releasing its existence still remain largely unknown. Dr Fisher the views held by a small but very vocal and conclusions than they realise. Another less them into the public realm. “After all of the stresses that to halt further spread of this lethal infl uential group of climate change sceptics. publicised concern, though bordering in the criticism of the Intergovernmental Panel on disease there is urgent need to increase global bi- No one is resistant to their often overblown conspiracy realm, are questions being asked Climate Change, I am really surprised that osecurity. DOI: 10.1073/pnas.1111915108 criticism: the Nobel Prize winning Intergov- about the motivations behind the funding they have done this. I am sure that most aca- Katherine Portilla ernmental Panel on Climate Change, which demics feel that their papers are improved serves as a platform for climate scientists to through the formal and informal peer review communicate their fi ndings in a format di- TheThe bbasica notion that process and I do not think we should circum- rectly accessible to policy makers, politicians, vent this.” He agreed that whilst it is possible business leaders and the public, was heavily we are performing that the closed-off nature of the peer review criticised last year for accidentally including a process can damage the public’s perception of small piece of literature in one of their reports a very dangerous climate change research, the reaction should that had not been subjected to peer review. An- not be to get rid of it. “It is healthy for climate other example of attack was the ‘Climategate’ experiment with our science to be treated in a sceptical manner: like ‘scandal’ in 2009, when hackers released thou- “ all science it should be continually probed and sands of personal emails written by scientists planet now seems tested. Hopefully this work will help us move based at the CRU into the public domain. The on to discuss the really challenging science of emails were forensically analysed by climate difficult to refute climate variability and change and the implica- sceptics for evidence of data manipulation and tions of it. However the basic notion that we are falsifi cation, causing a huge slew of global sources of the BEP – in particular, the Novim performing a very dangerous experiment with governmental inquires into climate science, Group, a charitable NGO who funds the BEP our planet now seems very diffi cult to refute.” and resulting in untold damage to the public’s and only one other research program investi- Whilst it seems that sceptics can now fi nally opinion of the fi eld. gating climate engineering in response to dra- agree with the scientifi c community that the Surface temperature records such as those matic climate change. ” Earth is indeed warming dangerously, they produced by the hacked CRU scientists have Professor Sir Brian Hoskins, director of the still have many questions that they feel remain long been an easy target for climate change Grantham Institute of Climate Change and a unanswered, such as whether rising green- sceptics – criticisms include data falsifi cation, climate change advisor to the government, house gas emissions are in fact causing cli- sample bias, large degrees of errors on temper- agrees that the fi ndings of the Berkeley Earth mate change. Time is running out to convince This isn’t what we meant by Green Week... ature estimates, poor spatial coverage and in- Project are not particularly groundbreaking: the world that this is the case, and despite its creasing urban development. It is no small co- “The overall message – that by using a dif- foibles and motivations, programs like the incidence that some of the scientists involved ferent technique the same answer is produced BEP are certainly a step in the right direction. FELIX Friday 18 NOVEMBER 2011 9 SCIENCE Nanocars with four-wheel drive Imperial iGEM success

Elsa Sotiriadis the gradient and be actively taken up Philip Kent Farhan Abdullah into the roots. Capillary assays have shown effective malate chemotaxis of Researchers at the University of Gron- It was a truly triumphant success for cells containing the construct and the ingen, Netherlands have announced that Imperial this November at MIT in Bos- natural uptake by roots was demon- they have succesfully produced a sin- ton, where the iGEM world champion- strated with confocal stack imaging. gle-molecule ‘car’, capable of moving ship took place. iGEM, first launched With the second module, “Auxin by use of its four ‘wheels’ when excited in 2004, is the most prestigious and Xpress”, the students successfully ex- by a scanning tunnelling microscope largest undergraduate competition in pressed the genes for Auxin expres- (STM). This announcement follows synthetic biology worldwide. Impe- sion from Pseudomonas savastanoi in previous research by the group, led by rial has a long history of success in the E.coli. They further determined the Ben Feringa, into light-driven molecu- competition, but the Imperial iGEM IAA expression level of the module lar motors, fi rst reported in 1999. team managed to break all records this and the IAA concentration treshold for Molecular motors use light or other year. optimal root growth, thereby laying the stimulation to rotate a hydrocarbon The group of nine students took basis for further fine-tuning of gene group around a double bond. After rota- home a series of major prizes from both expression levels. In simulations of xxx tion to form an unstable isomer, an exo- the European jamboree in Amsterdam, soil erosion (watering with hoose) and thermic isomerisation process causes where they were declared regional application of the optimum concentra- the groups to rotate into a more stable winner, and the world championship tion of IAA, the team has demonstrated The nanocar in action on a surface of copper... It really is a car. Sort of position (helix inversion), with the re- in Boston. Despite the strong competi- improvement to soil stability. sult of movement. This process can be tion, Imperial was a proud finalist and The concerns about releasing GMO repeated to return to the original con- 1st runner up for the final grand prize, to the environment were addressed by fi guration. pulses; with 6nm of movement being molecule – if the molecule is not cor- and won the iGEMers prize as well as the third module, “Gene Guard”. This This new research involves a mole- experimentally observed, meaning that rectly absorbed in the right orientation, numerous other prizes. safety mechanism should prevent the cule designed with four of these motors the ‘swerving’ of the car is not as a sig- movement is prevented due to the front With their project, the iGEM re- spread of synthetic DNA to naturally about a central axis. Electrical pulses nifi cant problem as could have been. ‘wheels’ moving in the opposite direc- searchers have tackled the problem of abundant soil bacteria with a combina- produced by the STM excite the mo- The molecule requires a STM pulse of tion to those at the back. In addition, world-wide soil erosion and deserti- tion of separately existing toxins and tors, and cause it to move across a cop- 500 millivolts or greater, so imaging the isomers in an incorrect confi guration fication of drylands. Lacking a stabi- anti-toxins, rendering the recipient cell per surface; the direction of the pulses molecule is possible without movement produce haptic movement, due to the lising and anchoring root system, the of horizontal gene transfer non-viable can be controlled by the operator of the by use of a lower voltage. In addition, onside and offside of the ‘car’ moving nutritious soil is highly vulnerable to and thereby minimizing the contami- STM, and so precise control over the negative voltages caused no movement. in alternative directions. erosive forces, such as rain and wind. nation risk of the natural rhizosphere. movement is possible. The direction of motion can be con- Conditions for the molecular ‘car’ Arable land, on whose cultivation ap- In the very short time span of a sum- The group experienced diffi culty in trolled by the confi guration of the mol- prohibit commercial use at present (vac- proximately two billion people de- mer, the group has paved the way to- making all the motors work in tandem ecule. Depending on the orientation uum conditions and temperatures of 7K pend, is being successively lost. Soil wards a smart and safe solution that – they reported that perfectly straight of the groups on each side of the axis, was necessary), however, lead author integrity is crucial to avoid the severe could improve the lifes of billions of movement is not possible. However, the correct isomer can both produce Tibor Kudernak told the BBC that this aggravation of food scarcity, and bio- people around the globe. their calculations predicted a maxi- forwards movement and no move- was the next problem to resolve. diversity loss due to the effects of cli- Certainly, the enhanced engineering mum of 7nm of movement per 10 STM ment, depending on the ‘landing’ of the DOI: 10.1038/nature10587 mate change. of biological systems with standard- The first module, ‘Phyto-Route’ ized parts, the fostering of synergies aimed at rewiring E.coli chemotaxis between systems and synthetic biolo- by introducing a malate chemoreceptor gy, and the study of ecological, human from a soil bacterium. The seeds would and ethical implications will continue germinate and then secrete L(-)malic to provide means for optimized, in- Cyborg yeast is out to get you acid (malate), acting as chemoattrac- spired and impactful researching-dur- tant, E.coli would then move towards ing iGEM and happily ever after.

Jula Humphries Phytochrome, a molecule that de- Imperial College iGEM 2011 tects light, has active and inactive “It is an important Scientists have succeeded in creating forms in red and deep red light re- an artificial feedback loop between spectively. Upon becoming active, it process already uti- a computer and yeast. Algorithmic can set off gene expression cascades programs on the computer controlled to produce a desired protein. lised by biochemical flashes of light to start and stop gene The level of gene expression can expression, thus regulating how then be measured through the amount pathways in cells” much protein was produced. This in- of fluorescence a reporter molecule emits in the presence of the desired protein communication barrier between com- “The computer, with The computer, with its algorithmic puter and cell. wizardry, analyses the fluorescence. The implications of synthetic cir- its algorithmic wiz- Once a threshold level of protein ex- cuitry are wide; in silico feedback pression has been reached, deep red could be used to create biosensors to ardry, analyses the light is fired back to the yeast, the regulate the level of by-products gen- phytochromes are turned into their erated from manipulated metabolic fl uorescence.” biologically inactive forms and the pathways. It could be utilised within circuit is turned off. biofuel and small molecule drug pro- Feedback control allows for precise duction to allow for tight control of novative technique could possibly be regulation of these artificial circuits; yield production. used in industry to control production it is an important process already Whilst it is an exciting step for- of biofuel by microbes. utilised by biochemical pathways in ward, it is just a small part of the The beauty of this technique lies cells, famously in the krebs cycle and technical breakthroughs that will be in its simplicity, in contrast to the in engineering. However, in silico needed to generate complex synthetic incredibly complicated biochemical feedback control is the first time sci- biological circuits. Autofl uorescent roots (blue) of Arabidopsis Thaliana and E.coli express- pathways it could potentially control. ence has managed to transcend the DOI: 10.1038/nbt.2018 ing superfolder GFP (green) 10 On average 10 calories of fossil fuel energy is needed to deliver 1 calorie of food energy to our tables – GREEN WEEK 2011 Friday 18 november 2011 FELIX Science Editors: K e l l y O a k e s Alexander Karapetian SCIENCE [email protected] In brief Natural born killers? Pandas’ confusing diet explained Pavitar Devgon on what makes some people become psychopaths

Giant pandas lack enzymes to digest the principle e can all name famous components of a fi brous plant diet. It has long psychopaths, be they the been assumed that their famous bamboo regimen fi ctional Hannibal Lecter is digested by symbiont bacteria. or real life Jack the Ripper. Now, researchers from the Chinese Academy of They can cause fear or un- Sciences have confi rmed the symbiont hypothesis Weasiness in even the most hardy of us. But what (Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, really makes a serial killer? Why are psycho- DOI: 10.1073/pnas.1017956108). The authors paths so different from ‘us’? analysed RNA sequences from microbes found in The Horizon episode, Are you Good or fecal samples of giant pandas, and compared the Evil, examined the search for a so-called results with other mammals. Seven unique strains ‘moral gene’. At a fundamental level, hu- of bacteria, closely related to cellulose-digesting mans are animals, so how did we come to Clostridium taxa, were found only in the pandas’ possess morals, something other than instinct digestive tracts. The newly discovered symbionts or self-motivation to guide our actions? produce enzymes that cleave cellulose into absorb- Paul Bloom and Karen Wynn designed an able glucose. experiment to see if children were naturally Strong teeth, pseudo-thumbs and copious gut born with a sense of morality or whether it mucus also help to sustain this unusual bear. was something they learned growing up. The Jennifer Whyntie experiment consisted of showing children a play with one ‘good’ character and one ‘bad’ character. When asked to choose a character, almost 70% picked the ‘good’ one, as most people presumably would. But what about the 30% that were drawn to the bad character? Would they become bul- lies or ‘troublemakers’? Another aspect of the show looked at mili- tary marines who were trained to fi ght, de- How quickly would you turn to killing your friends in order to live? fend and, when necessary, kill. At a training base in the USA, marines are trained to act on instincts that have been drilled into them by years of training. This is necessary because emotional impact. the genetic mutation become serial killers? when under pressure, they cannot afford to In order to test this, Bob Hare brain scanned The idea seems so wrong. Another excuse for a cute animal picture... waste time reviewing actions; after years of known serial killers using MRI while words While visiting his family, James Fallon discipline, the body reacts in the way it needs were displayed on a screen. Monitoring the was asked by his mother to research his fa- to, even if it means taking a life. brain’s impulses, Hare noticed that emotional ther’s relatives. He discovered that there was But one cannot ignore the idea of right and words trigger certain synapses for most peo- a lineage of violent killers in the family dat- wrong. It is the reason why ex-soldiers re- ple. In the psychopaths’ brains, there was in- ing as far back as 1667. James decided to test turning from battle cannot readjust to soci- difference in responses to both emotional and his immediate family using PET scans. Only Confused by DOIs? ety – they have lost their sense of morality regular words. Hare soon developed a ‘psy- one brain showed classic psychopathic be- and hold more than just the opposing army in chopathic checklist’ that tested things like haviour – his. Continuing further, he found contempt; they struggle to have empathy for personality, how you would react to certain that he had also inherited the ‘warrior gene’. DOI stands for digitial object identifi er. A DOI will anyone. As Captain Jack Hoban, a US Ma- situations and impulsivity. Both characteristics were there and yet he help you fi nd the journal article a science news sto- rine Corp, says “Humans are not natural born Professor James Fallon, a psychologist was not a psychopath. He did have certain ry is based on. killers.” Psychologically, they cannot handle working in the fi eld of disorders like depres- traits such as hot-headedness, lack of pa- Just type http://dx.doi.org/ into the URL bar the idea of killing with morality, so they lose sion and schizophrenia, was asked to analyse tience and at times, an uncaring attitude, all and add the DOI to the end. For example: http:// this sense all together. a variety of PET scans to deduce the char- common amongst serial killers. This showed dx.doi.org/doi:10.1038/nature10550 will take you However, not all soldiers are psychopaths. acteristics of the people to whom they per- that the mind-set was there, but not at an ex- straight to the Nature letter about the dwarf planet The Marines soon realised that instead of tained. One common theme emerged: the ac- treme level. Eris. Alternatively go to http://dx.doi.org/ and put turning cadets into killers, they should turn tivity of two areas of the brain seemed to split Interestingly, the traits of psychopaths – the DOI into the search box on that site. them into ‘protectors’. Protectors would only the group, the orbital cortex and parts of the impulsiveness, an uncaring demeanour and Or, if you’re feeling lazy, Googling the DOI usually kill when absolutely necessary; rather then temporal lobe that surrounds the amygdala. lack of pathos – can be found in professional works too... remove their moral compass, they would ‘re- These areas are known to control animal im- jobs, such as CEOs and leaders of big cor- calibrate’ it. pulses and decision-making. All of the scans porations. Many of these people would rank Both neurobiologists and psychologists with damage in these areas came from serial highly on Hare’s checklist. It’s interesting have worked extensively into fi nding a chem- killers. Was this the sole cause of psycho- how someone with a similar mind to a killer ical or gene that gives us our moral traits. paths’ behaviour? could work so well in business and society. Like us on Facebook Bob Hare is a psychologist who has looked In 1993, one family was tested used ge- Not that all bosses are psychopaths. particularly far into this fi eld. netic analysis. All of the males in this family Fortunately, there emerged a third factor On the outside, serial killers look normal had a background in violence and, interest- that ultimately determines your ‘destiny’: Follow the latest science news and just like everyone else; no sign of self- ingly, all of them had a mutation of the same your childhood. If you have the genes and infl icted wounds or grotesque disfi gure- gene sequence. The fi ndings then showed brain patterns, a nurturing childhood envi- from Imperial and more on our ments. Psychologically however, they seem that a variant of the MAO-A gene promoter ronment can reduce and even remove the to have a profound lack of empathy and an (or ‘warrior gene’ as it became known), could risk of becoming a psychopath. Conversely, Facebook page: egocentric mind-set. They are not necessar- also lead to psychopathic behaviour later in a damaging, dysfunctional, abusive child- ily unemotional, but while emotions usu- life. hood could trigger the aggressive genes. ally guide us to act, the psychopath feels no Our brain chemistry and genetic mutations Your genes may lay the foundations, but facebook.com/FelixScience compulsion; they could very easily slaughter can reveal the traits corroborating with psy- your upbringing dominates who you will innocent victims, despite understanding the chopathic behaviour. But will everyone with become. FELIX Friday 18 NOVEMBER 2011 11 SCIENCE China is living proof of Fisher’s principle How we can explain China’s gender ratios from an evolutionary standpoint and what they mean to imbalances in the rest of the world

Marcus Shepheard weakened. As people have promoted their tions are illegal in China that has done the human cost, with many poor men who ing direct incentives to people producing sons, any resultant surplus has been met little to close the Pandora’s box combina- are unable to fi nd a wife facing an old girls, but this offers up the worrying con- Fisher’s principle is an evolutionary argu- by greater breeding success for the pool tion of the one-child policy, the possibil- age without a companion, without chil- cept of placing a value on a child’s life, ment that explains why most sexual spe- of girls, maintaining the gender balance. ity to effectively ‘pick’ your child’s gen- dren to bring them joy or care for them. when that value should be innate. It also cies tend to have a stable gender ratio that The one-child policy wreaked havoc with der, and a social pressure to have sons. By Finally there is the issue of competition doesn’t consider the fi nancial burden to approximates 1:1. The principle is that, this. Given the choice many more parents the turn of the millennium China’s sex ra- between males; older men who have had the country. Ultimately, the most pow- as one gender increases in abundance, preferred sons to daughters. Orphanages tio at birth had hit 120 boys to 100 girls, more time to accumulate wealth have erful changes China could make would the marginal value of having offspring began to fi ll with abandoned daughters, infl ating an already wide gender gap. an advantage over younger males from have to be social. Empowering women as of the other gender increases. So any ge- and by the early eighties the offi cial sex This situation has posed a series of comparable backgrounds, and so there wage earners equal to men would weaken netic predisposition to have more of one ratio at birth in China had risen to 108 problems for both the government, and is a tendency for the age difference be- the concept of men as providers. Offer- gender than the other gets balanced out. boys to 100 girls. society. Within society there is now an tween male and female partners to grow, ing better end-of-life care so that parents Most species exhibit this property, and In one sense children are an investment extensive group of effectively unmar- as older men outcompete younger, poorer are not so dependent on children for sup- historically the gender ratio of Humans at for parents, an investment which comes riageable men. While marriage is not men for the few available girls. None of port would have a similar range of social birth has been ~105:100. Males having a to fruition in old age, when the children necessarily the ultimate goal in life, it is these outcomes are positive, and yet there benefi ts, albeit at a cost. Fundamentally slight historical surplus due to our greater become the providers and care-givers for something many people strive for. These are no simple solutions to easily bring the there needs to be a change to the historical tendency than females to get ourselves the elderly parents. In this context males men are not evenly distributed across so- gender gap down. patriarchal paradigm so that society sees killed; fi ghting wars, hunting bears, or are seen as preferable; historically they ciety either. In accordance with Fisher’s Despite this there is evidence that Fish- women as equal in potential and value to similar. The stability innate in Fisher’s have been much better equipped to earn principle, as women have become scarc- er’s principle is in effect; the increased males, at every level of society, not just principle is elegant, and easily under- the money needed to support the parents. er, their marginal value has increased and value of daughters in such an imbalanced in the educated middle and upper classes. stood, and this is why it is celebrated as Daughters are somewhat of a dead-end, single women have a leverage that is not society is starting to be noted, and in the These changes are not simple, and China one of the greatest arguments in evolu- generally married away into a family present in societies with healthy gender last few years the ratio at birth has been is not the only country that will fi nd it- tionary theory. which they would then support, replaced ratios. In a curiously retrograde way, it falling. It is now down to around 118 self needing to implement them. While In China today there are between 30 and by wives married in to accompany sons. creates a twisted form of social mobil- males to 100 females, which while still China’s situation is more pronounced, 50 million men who will die single for the This system only works when there is an ity, as women are able to marry upwards, severely imbalanced, is an improvement. India and Indonesia are examples of other simple reason that they are surplus, there adequate supply of women to be wives, should they so chose. The losers in this are There are few direct interventions any countries with a growing surplus of males simply aren’t enough women in China for and in China the relative birth rate of the poor, the rural, the unskilled and the government can impose to ameliorate this that will need to be balanced out in the them to marry. Historically the Chinese, women was falling fast during the 80s unfortunate. A surplus of males is never sort of situation. Rescinding the one-child future. It is too late for the millions of sur- as with most cultures, have favoured male and 90s, dangerously so. good for a country, it can lead to unrest, policy offers no guarantee that people plus men in these countries, but hopefully offspring over females; however Fisher’s The second blow to gender balance was and you might expect violence against will not continue to pursue a ‘sons fi rst’ in time, things can return to a more bal- principle has seen that the advantage of the advent of screening for gender using women, abductions and forced marriages policy, and keep abandoning or aborting anced state, for the benefi t of all people having female offspring has never been ultrasound. Although sex-specifi c abor- to become more common. There is also daughters. There is a possibility of offer- living in the country. Quantum information

Alexander Karapetian fi elds of plasmonics and nanophotonics reading data with single photons. “We will allow ‘quantum light’ to be used in need a very effi cient source of single Two developing technologies have future machines. photons”, Shalaev said, “the challenge been touted to mark the emergence of Professor Vladimir Shalaev, scientifi c here is to increase the effi ciency of new quantum systems. Published in the director of nanophotonics at Purdue generation of single photons in a broad journal Science last month, the fi elds of University’s Birck Nanotechnology spectrum, and that is where plasmonics plasmonics and nanophotonics promise Center, said that the technology, being and metamaterials come in”. to speed up the advent of quantum in- a “seamless interface” between the two One obstacle quantum computers formation systems, which are capable fi elds, “could guarantee the use of light hope to overcome is the challenge of of achieving processing powers that are to overcome limitations in the opera- preserving entangled quantum informa- orders of magnitude larger than classi- tional speed of conventional integrated tion long enough to be read and record- cal computers. circuits”. ed. A possible solution involves the use Quantum computers operate by ma- Researchers propose the use of plas- of diamond with “nitrogen vacancies”. nipulating photons to represent binary mon-mediated interactions, which are These are natural defects which occur in digits, and can harness quantum me- devices that can manipulate individual the crystal lattice of diamonds. “The ni- chanical effects to provide superior photons and quasiparticles such as plas- trogen vacancy in diamond operates in parallelism during processing. These mons, combining electrons and photons a very broad spectral range and at room systems use Quantum Bits (or qubits) together, in order to increase circuit temperature, which is very important”, in order to represent a larger number of throughput. Shalaev commented. states with fewer bits compared to clas- The individual photons and plasmons The hybrid technologies will be put to sical machines. can be coupled by way of a nanowire, use along with work from the new re- Metamaterials, artifi cial nanostruc- a technique pioneered at Harvard Uni- search fi eld of diamond photonics. Hy- tured objects with exotic properties, versity allowing data to be encoded one perbolic metamaterials integrated with will be used in combination with optical photon at a time, increasing transfer nitrogen vacant diamonds are expected emitters to improve transfer rates and rates of meaningful output. The use of to work to produce single photons ef- data processing. This hybrid technology hyperbolic metamaterials is another ap- fi ciently and hasten the onset of stable An individual nitrogen vacancy centre in diamond can be used as a Qubit which takes advantage of the emerging proach which will allow recording and quantum information systems. 12 Friday 18 november 2011 FELIX Burning one gallon of gasoline creates about 19 pounds of CO2. The average mature tree can absorb 48 pounds of CO2 per year – GREEN WEEK 2011 Technology Editors: Chris Bowers Feroz Salam TECHNOLOGY [email protected] Tips & Hacks

Robot controls human arm

Human-machine interfaces till now have largely depended upon humans telling machines how to behave, to help us achieve our goals. Now, work at the Montpellier Laboratory of Informatics, Robot- Free vs. open source: why you should care ics and Microelectronics has shown that things can work the other way around, with a robot con- trolling the movements of a human arm using electrodes attached to the arm. Given the goal of Sanchit Sharma on why ‘Free’ is more than you expect dropping a ball into the net and a human carrying a ball, the robot can apply electrical impulses to the arm that swivel it to the required position. The recently had the opportunity to attend Chromium, amongst others) is not necessarily simply conforms to freedom 1. Free software robot then generates a short pulse that releases a talk by Richard Stallman, founder free software, as free software insists on the gives you, the user, freedom, but Open Source the muscles in the hand and causes the ball to of the Free Software Foundation, and four fundamental freedoms listed above and does not. drop into the net. While it’s not entirely clear what a strong Free software advocate. He Open Source proponents don’t always agree the applications of this ability are, it’s hoped that spoke on Free software, and the rights with these freedoms. However, all free soft- the robot might assist in hospitals with patient ofI us all as users of software, and in the process ware (such as the GIMP) is by definition also Free software everyday? rehabilitation. When used regularly by a person he brought something to my attention. open source, as this is necessary for freedom. with limited limb movements, the system should A term is being increasingly used in the me- How much should this matter to you? Finding re-familiarise the body to regular motion. dia, one which is taken by most to have a posi- truly Free software, for a variety of reasons, tive connotation. I’m sure you’ve all heard it Why it matters is a lot more difficult than you would hope, before – ‘Open Source’. Open Source means so it might not be wise to depend on it. Yet if simply that the code is available for anyone So why should you care about this? There you get the chance, supporting and using Free to view if they so wish, and then compile are numerous reasons to avoid any non-free software is definitely the way to go. themselves if they don’t want to use the pack- (proprietary) software (including backdoors Stop Online Piracy Act under fire age normally provided to them. Whilst this is allowing the writer to control your comput- indeed a good thing, it is often taken by the er, large and unwieldy programs using more media to mean much more than it actually is. memory, and of course, more bugs, to name A long drawn out legislative battle is looming in What the media often imply it means is just a few), but in practice completely avoid- The four freedoms of America, with media houses and Senators pushing ‘Free’, used in a context more akin to ‘free- ing proprietary software is impossible. forward a draconian new copyright law that redefines dom’, a concept coined by Richard Stallman There are two main reasons that it’s impor- Free software the responsibilities of content providers and users in the 80s. A commonly quoted description is tant for you to know the difference, and why in adhering to copyright law. In simpler English, this “Free as in speech, not free as in beer”, and it’s important to care. means that websites such as YouTube and Vimeo to this extent, it is sometimes instead called Firstly, individuals should be aware not only Freedom 0: would be reponsible for ensuring that copyrighted “Libre” (for example, the free office suite Li- of the dangers of trusting proprietary software, The freedom to run the program, for content wasn’t stored on their servers. breOffice) to try and avoid the confusion. It is but also of the fact that Open Source software any purpose The implications of this would be huge, as it would on this that Stallman spoke. does not always remove these dangers to the Freedom 1: probably mean the end of content-sharing as we now same extent that Free software does. The freedom to study how the pro- know it. Given the volume of data uploaded to You- Secondly, there has been a thought process gram works, and change it so it does Tube (35 hours/minute in late 2010), the cost of ex- prevalent in software companies over the past Making the choice your computing as you wish. Access haustively monitoring uploaded content will probably few years. “If it fails, open source it and claim to the source code is a precondition prove prohibitive for most video hosting providers. Free software has an altogether different that you’re giving back to the community”, for this. The law has naturally been met with vocal opposi- meaning, and is much more about morality trying to gain good rep by ‘giving’ their failed tion from a coalition of leading technology firms: in than open source is. There are four freedoms projects to the community. Many people fall Freedom 2: a rare show of unity, Facebook, Google, Twitter, Aol, listed by the Free Software Foundation as fun- for this, believing that Open Source is inher- The freedom to redistribute copies Ebay, LinkedIn and Yahoo have published a public damental to free software. ently a good thing, but this is simply not the so you can help your neighbor. letter to the Senate expressing concern about the Free software often (nearly always) over- case. In actual fact, these programs are often ‘serious risk’ to innovation and job creation within laps with Open Source but the two are not the given very restrictive licenses, and/or rely on Freedom 3: the industry. Another key provision of the bill would same thing, and this is something that, in my the community to clean it up so that it can be- The freedom to distribute copies of make unauthorized streaming a felony. experience, few people realise. In short, Free come a useful program. Free software licences your modifi ed versions to others. By Whatever the final outcome of the American policy software was created due to moral reason- force companies who donate software to the doing this you can give the whole debate, there’s bound to be an impact on British ing, it’s about people having power over their community to actually give the software up community a chance to benefi t from copyright law in the near future. Preserving our right own computing and being able to decide how when they donate it, thus allowing it to truly your changes. Access to the source to keep our data private and pushing for fairer copy- to use their own computers, whereas Open become community owned. code is a precondition for this. right solutions is vital. Source is the development technique that So, in short, Free software conforms to the came from this. Open Source software (like four fundamental freedoms, but Open Source FELIX Friday 18 november 2011 13 TECHNOLOGY Boosting mobile innovation Kin-Hing Lo explores the revolutionary impact of mobile proliferation on our lives

s each second ticks away, those willing to take the biggest risks. there’s a quiet revolution The modern smartphone is a platform going on in every town which democratises innovation by cut- and every city across the ting the cost of development and the globe. Mobile technol- associated financial risk to almost zero. Aogy disrupts the way we live our lives, We can cut out manufacturing, design, the way we communicate with others distribution and retail – just write code, and the way we function as a society. deploy it through an application store, In the time it’s taken you to read just make money and iterate. With a single this sentence, over 3,000 mobile appli- piece of commodity hardware, it is cations have been downloaded to hand- possible to access realtime informa- sets across the world. Many of these tion from a huge array of local sensors applications may just be pointless bird such as GPS, a camera, microphone, ac- throwing, rope cutting and fruit slicing celerometer, compass and a barometer. games but a growing number of innova- Combine that with the ability for your tive new applications are changing the smartphone to provide context (through way in which we communicate, shop your social networks and location) and and travel. the ability to pull in data from millions of sources online, all you need to do is to combine data from those sources in a Freeing innovation useful way to solve a real problem and the hardware and APIs do the rest. With Just a couple of years ago, creating a the ease of innovating on the smart- new and innovative product to solve a phone platform, it’s no wonder the pace problem would require you to design a of innovation has been so quick. bespoke piece of hardware, manufac- ture it, distribute it and retail it through a high street store or a mail-order cata- Improving lives logue. You’d need to find a designer, a manufacturer and suppliers for your In the UK, mobile applications have components. Then you’ve got to find helped us to communicate with our Mobile applications have intrinsically changed the way we process information and go about our daily lives a distributor to take your product, a re- peers around the world, to live healthier tailer willing to dedicate the shelf space lives, saved us time and saved us mon- to it and a marketing firm to promote it. ey. ‘Google Translate’ and ‘Word Lens’ The route from idea to marketplace was have helped us to traverse language helped us to get home safely after a mobile phone calls will allow a farmer reside in Asia, the Middle East or Africa slow, expensive and risk-ridden: launch- barriers and to communicate with night out. Various GPS navigation apps or a producer to determine the price he – these are people who will be access- ing a new product to solve real world people regardless of whether or not we save us time by routing us around traf- can sell his goods at different markets ing the internet for the first time through problems was a process accessible only share a common language. ‘Transport fic jams – traffic jams reported by other and to negotiate the best price without their mobile phone. to those with the deepest pockets and for London’ and ‘Addison Lee’ have users of the application. Applications spending days making successive trips As the UK struggles through our deep- such as ‘ShopSavvy’ compare prices to different markets. est recession to date, we should realise against other high-street shops and on- Mobile banking companies such as that long term economic growth only line stores so we don’t get ripped off. M-Pesa allows people to invest mon- comes from making things that better The ‘Asthmapolis’ application helps ey for their future and to pay suppli- other people’s lives. If I can produce a asthma sufferers by tracking their ers without a long journey to the bank product which is worth £10 to you but symptoms over time, looking for a de- whilst also eliminating the risks and only costs me £2 to produce, I could sell terioration in symptoms and analysing costs of transporting physical money. it for £5 and it’s a win-win situation. It’s where those symptoms occur so public Other apps such as EpiSurveyor help only by creating real value that we can health officials can find the source of with disease monitoring: they allow build a sustainable economy: speculat- the pollution. And there’s Lewisham physicians to monitor the spread of ing on the markets in an investment Council who keep their streets clean diseases in real-time without the delay bank doesn’t provide this long term with a mobile app for members of the introduced by sending and collating value and isn’t a sustainable model for public to report graffiti, fly-tipping and paper forms. the UK economy. The mobile industry other environmental crimes. is one which has a huge positive social Looking to the developing world, the impact as well as huge potential for new promise for mobile technology to have Mobile innovation ideas. a positive social impact seems to be Whether you’re an engineer or a scien- even greater. Many developing coun- The potential to change the world and tist at Imperial, I believe the mobile in- tries currently lack the efficient physi- to make money in the world of mobile dustry provides a unique opportunity for cal infrastructure we take for granted technology is unparalleled. The mobile you to develop the new products which (the roads, phone lines, GP surgeries application market is already worth benefit society with almost no cost and and banks). Mobile technology can be $15bn annually and is only set to con- no risk to you. Take a look at the An- deployed incredibly quickly in these tinue growing exponentially. Globally, droid Developer website for example: countries as one mast covers a huge the number of people with a mobile it’s free to anyone interested and there area – instantly giving the population phone is set to pass 4.5 billion by 2012. are countless tutorials to get you started. access to services such as mobile bank- Many of the next one billion people to With no investment required apart from ing, healthcare and trade. Several short be connected to a mobile network will your time, there’s little to lose. unionpage Green Week - all next week! #icugreenweek

So I’m not going to talk about why you CO2 (CO2e). She then gets dressed and You get the idea. Through ten simple and should save energy. I’m not going to goes to the kitchen where she grabs the easy steps she has saved 5603Kg* CO2e tell you why you have to switch off the jam and digs out the dregs stuck at the in a year. If that were multiplied out by lights or eat less meat. I’ll let the activists bottom of the jar before looking for a new 15000 (the population of Imperial – ish) on page 22 do that… I’m here to cover one. BANG, by not throwing away the it would save 84,000 tonnes of CO2e something far more straightforward and jar before it was really empty (and not emissions. Imperial’s calculated carbon yet something that even the cleverest of throwing away old vegetables whenever footprint for 2008/9 was 84,026 tCO2 – you lot seem incapable of understanding. fresh ones arrive) she has saved an for all campuses. I’m as surprised as you Individual change. Students (and staff) at average of 8.53kg CO2e per week. On are. Small actions can make a difference. Imperial often stare at me blankly when her way to lectures she passes by the Go to http://thedonation.org.uk/doers/ your I suggest making small changes to their JCR and refi lls her water bottle. BANG, icugreenweek/green-week and pledge to daily lives that are neither especially 0.22kg CO2e by not buying a new water Something. Anything. Let’s blast through sabbaticals inconvenient nor expensive, generally bottle. She then runs up to her lecture our 30 tonne target. stating (often vehemently) that ‘it won’t in Pippard LT saving 0.5KgCO2e each make a difference’. If you’ll indulge me, day by not taking the lift fi ve fl oors. At Check out http://www3.imperial.ac.uk/ Nicolas Massie I’ll walk you through exactly what we lunch she picks the vegetarian option sustainability/stepchange. Become an Deputy President (Welfare) could do at Imperial, with minimal effort. and saves 8.65kg CO2e. At home that ambassador. [email protected] All my fi gures come from http://www. evening she has her shopping delivered dothegreenthing.com/wiki. Feel free to (1.64KgCO2e saved). Dinner is seasonal *I appreciate that these are estimates and that ‘a contact me for clarifi cation. and organic (1.34 and 0.64KgCO2e lift that has ten people in it might be more carbon savings respectively). She then does her effi cient than ten people exercising up the stairs Keep up-to-date with your Sabbaticals at: An Imperial student wakes up in the washing and dries her clothes on a rack in respirating’. These are estimates and means valid imperialcollegeunion.org/sabbs morning and takes a shower seven her room. (1.90 kg CO2e saved per load). for the general case. The points stand. minutes shorter than her usual fi fteen. BANG, she saved 0.63kg Equivalent Green Week Pledge your CO2 savings online now

More of a celebration of cycling than a cycling out how you convert raw and cooked food Monday 21 Tuesday 22 protest. We will head over to the south bank and wood pellets into lovely compost that is Meat Free Monday! Clothes and book Drop and join vast numbers of cyclists taking to the used around college to keep our green spaces All day, Across Campus In FiveSixEight in the evening, during the day streets. The general idea of critical mass is fertile. Meat consumption has a huge impact on at Union Reception and Sherfi eld foyer. that the more people who cycle, the safer it our environmental impact, having one meat When you drop off your clothes for the gets, this is a celebration of cycling but also free day per week reduces our emissions clothes swap later in the week, get tokens pointing out how fragile humans are compared more than having all of our food grown in our that you can use in the clothes swap to get to cars. Friday 25 gardens! some lovely (not so) new (but great) clothes. Clothes and book swap Felting Session By Women in Science, Engineering and Bike Maintenance workshop Green Week Union Quiz By Environmental Society, 16:00, Union Technology. All day, Union Meeting Room 7. By London Campaign for Cycling and Imperial FiveSixEight at 18:00 Meeting Room 7 Come in with your tokens from earlier on in Bike Users Group, 18:00 in Union Meeting Come and test your green-grey-matter. Add in Do you have any old woolen clothes with the week trade them in for lovely books and Room 6 a bit about general quiz blurb but with a green holes in them/beyond repair? You can bring clothes. Bikes are amazing transport, no fossil fuels, slant to it. them new life by turning them into various free exercise and time saving in London. The felt works. You don’t need to bring your own Chutney Session only downside is that things do break and wool, but reusing clothes would be ideal. By Waste Watch, 12:00 in Union Meeting wear, come along and learn how to repair and Room 4. maintain some basics of your bikes to keep Wednesday 23 Clothes and book swap After a discussion on our relationship to food, you rolling. By Women in Science, Engineering and Thursday 24 we will head up to the Union kitchens and Technology. All day, Union Meeting Room 7. Composter visits cook up come delicious chutney that is free for Veg Soc Cooking meeting Come in with your tokens from earlier on in Meet at the Green Week Stand in Sherfi eld, all to take away. By ICU Veg Soc, Meet at 18:00 in the week trade them in for lovely books and 12:00-14:00. FiveSixEight. clothes. 20 minute tours of 10 people at a time, can Look for the carrot hat. Session on cooking sign up on the day for their session or just more sustainably, be it using up leftovers or Critical Mass - Cycling event! drop in and wait until the next slot. College just handy tips on how to reduce throwing By Imperial College Bike Users Group, meet is in the process of composting all of their stuff out. outside of the Faculty Building bike park at food waste, this is just shy of 10% of their 17:00, leaving at 17:15. entire waste sent to landfi l! Come and check

imperialcollegeunion.org FELIX FRIDAY 18 november 2011 15 Politics Editors: Joseph Letts Rajat Jain [email protected] POLITICS Palestinian students visit Imperial Exchange students reveal their thoughts on Palestine’s struggle for recognition

Rajat Jain Britain has been a strong ally of Israel and does not recognise Pal- On Tuesday, Imperial was visited by a estine. What is your view of the British and has it changed since you group of six Palestinian university stu- arrived? Is there anything British people who support the Palestin- dents spending eleven days in London ians can do? as part of a cultural exchange. Felix H: The British people have shown their support for us. We do not see took the opportunity to speak to them. the government and the people as the same. There are a large num- In particular, I spoke to Haifa Ansari, ber of organisations who you can visit to support us. I urge British peo- a fi nal year law student and Zacharia ple to come and visit Palestine and see the suffering of our people. Zanoon, a second year dentistry stu- Z: The British left the Jews here in 1948 and are responsible for the dent. Both are from fairly similar back- situation we are in. But now, we have come here and got so much sup- grounds, part of the growing young port. The British are now our friends. They understand our problems well-educated Palestinian middle class Haifa Ansari Zacharia Zanoon and support us. There are so many organisations in Britain, such as and got on well with each other, seem- the one that brought us here, that are helping us. ingly holding a similar world view. Palestine has taken the policy of turning to other countries for rec- Certainly, both have a sincere liking ognition of their state. Given their failure to gain UN membership, Do you accept Israel’s right to exist? Do you support a two state for the British people, despite seeing was this policy a waste of time? solution? British policy as being partly respon- H: No, I don’t think it was. We were expecting the bid to fail. But it sible for the confl ict. This refl ects my H: I do not accept the right of Israel to exist as they have taken our has led to membership of UNESCO and greater knowledge of the own experience of the urban parts of land. But, I can see that they view it as their home. If it would bring plight of the Palestinian people. the West Bank, where the locals were peace, I would accept the two states though. But, this would have to always excited to meet tourists (even if Z: It was not a waste; at least we tried to improve the situation. We be a fi nal peaceful state. I do not know if the Palestinians can trust they had nothing to sell), and had a rath- must try every option available to us. Israel to be peaceful. er positive reaction to hearing we were Given the failings of the diplomatic route, are the Palestinians likely British. It is also hard to fi nd any Pal- Z: Let me ask you: If someone comes and takes your land, every- to take more forceful action? estinians who would trust Israeli’s from thing you own, would you offer to share it with them? Israel does not any faction to be true to their word. Is- H: No, not necessarily. The majority of Palestinians are still peaceful have any right to this land. All the land is Palestine. There may be no rael has long resisted a Palestinian state and want peace. The membership to UNESCO is still a small step in peaceful solution. Even when the Oslo agreement was being signed, out of legitimate concerns that the new the right direction. As long as there are small steps, Palestinians will the Israeli prime minister was lying to us. The Zionists are liars- they state will need to be guaranteed to not remain hopeful. cannot be trusted. The Jews here in London are peaceful. The Zion- be a threat to its national security. It is ists are not. Let me tell you a story. A boy complains to his father that Z: Of course forceful action will be necessary. If Israel uses violence interesting to see that most Palestinians his bedroom is too small. His father tells him to get a cow and put it against me, I will respond in the same way. What else can we do? feel the same concern about Israel. in his room. The boy does so and now complains it is even small. His Some of them [Israelis] believe that if you kill an Arab child, you will father tells him to take two sheep and put them in. The boy does so enter paradise! We do not: we only use violence because it is used and continues to complain. The father tells him to put fi ve chickens “Scratch the surface, against us. in his room. The boy complains he can barely fi t. The father says take the cow out. The boy says it feels bigger. Now the father says take a Countries such as Iran and Syria claim to support the Palestinian sheep out. The boy says the room now feels very large. This is what and a clear line still people but focus more on being anti-Israeli. Do you consider them to the Israelis are trying to convince us of! emerges among the be true allies? Does Palestine have any true allies? H: We will take support from any country that gives it to us. But this Palestinians.” does not mean we support their own internal politics. The Palestinian people will always gladly accept support from anyone who sincerely Would you like to report on a political issue offers it. It is, however, people who can help us, not governments. However, scratch the surface, and that means something to you? a clear line still emerges among the Z: Of course, any country who supports us is our ally and we shall Palestinians. When asked about Is- accept their support. Email us at: [email protected] rael, neither would recognise a ‘right’ to exist, but while Haifa would accept their existence, Zacharia would not. He Rajat Jain also believed that force was absolutely necessary and the main measure by which Palestinian ‘freedom’ would be gained. Haifa, however, believed that diplomacy would be successful given enough time and peace was of the ut- most importance. She also appeared to be rather more sceptical of govern- ments (whether allies or enemies of Is- rael), and believed that pressure from people around the world would have a greater impact. Although they are hardly representa- tive of the whole of Palestinian soci- ety, the contrasting views of these two students refl ects some of the key prob- lems that will still face the Palestinian people, even if a more moderate Israeli government comes into power. ICU President Scott Heath (third from left) and a few Imperial students posing with the students from Palestine 16 Only 1% of China’s 560 million city residents breathe air that is considered safe by the European Union – GREEN WEEK 2011 FELIX Business Editors: B e ñ a t G u r r u t x a g a - L e r m a Nina Kearsey BUSINESS [email protected] Groupon: Is the social buying giant losing fuel?

By always lucrative for businesses as discounts backs. They stormed into a joint venture with are so large, many of them suffer loses while Gaopeng in February, establishing themselves bargain hunters seek the next giveaway ahead within a couple of months. China is notoriously of becoming loyal repeat customers. Groupon hostile to international companies and Groupon Annabelle Mayers is expected to generate $1.7bn of revenue this is no exception. Now most of the international year which, whilst sounding impressive, in fact managers, oblivious to the Chinese culture, Letter from the Editors If you have found time to follow the news in equates to little more than breaking even. have since been removed and returned to their between episodes of Made in Chelsea and The There is a major lack of organisation within respective home countries. Just last week Grou- X Factor, then you will be aware that Groupon, the company due to its rapid development in pon hit the rocks again for accidently linking Weatherforecasting during an considered the fastest growing company ever, such a short space of time. Initially based in up with a company selling counterfeit luxury has recently been valued at $12.7bn. The com- Chicago, Groupon now operates in 175 North watches. Many speculate that Groupon are Economic Climate Change pany’s rapid global expansion and large valua- American markets and has quickly spanned heading downhill in the direction of other inter- tion (the highest since Google was launched in the globe entering into 47 countries so far. The net giants such as Yahoo and Google who failed 2004) imply it is a hugely successful business. number of employees has soared from 39 to to break into the harsh Chinese market. In the Guardian comment cartoon published this However, investors question whether the com- over 10,000. Although these fi gures sound im- In 2010 Groupon famously rejected Monday, artist Martin Rowson depicts a repentant pany’s business model is sustainable, and sug- pressive, they are accompanied with internal Google’s offer to buy the company for $6bn. “St. Vince” Cable as a monk, exiled to the desert gest that internet giants Google and Facebook chaos. Communications within the company Fighting back from its rejection, Google has where he is camped outside a tent marked OCCU- could prevent Groupon from dominating the have been criticised and employees have com- launched Google Offers – a site with a star- PY. It comes in response to an interview conducted social buying industry. So can Groupon main- plained that people in managerial roles were tling resemblance to Groupon. Competition is over the BBC’s The Politics Show broadcast this tain the position it has propelled itself into, or friends of the founder and are now not expe- nothing new for Groupon (there are over 500 Sunday in which Cable admitted he shared “sym- are its days in the spotlight over? rienced enough for their current role. The lack similar sites in America alone) but few pose pathy with the emotions behind [the movement]”. The idea behind Groupon is simple: bulk of organisation is not restricted to employees; such a signifi cant threat to the social buy- The interview marked a return to the spotlight buying is cost effective. Groupon utilizes this there are numerous reports of vouchers being ing giant. Facebook has created their version for the current Business Secretary, who has been truth by offering vouchers for services and sold for a business which had since been closed which when fully established and implement- notably absent in the media (as from a previously products at a fraction of the retail price, pro- down and customers not receiving a promised ed across the globe could see the end of Grou- held role in media policy) since last December viding that enough people purchase the deal. refund. Two Imperial students had fi rst-hand pon’s time at the top. With such an extensive when he publicly declared war on the Murdoch em- This is theoretically benefi cial for all parties experience of Groupon’s chaotic communica- user base Facebook has the potential to knock pire following their BSkyB takeover bid. However it as the consumer saves money, the participating tions when they were offered internships in Groupon off of the playing fi eld and dominate seems already that this most recent interview is businesses gain new customers and Groupon China, signed a contract and were told a few social buying. Google and Facebook also have cementing the image of Cable as somewhat of a generates profi t by taking cuts of around 50%. days before they were due to fl y that the place- the advantage of not being the fi rst to enter the PR liability. In voicing empathy for the occupiers, It sounds ideal, but does it work in reality? ment was no longer possible. market meaning they can steal the successful Cable has simultaneously managed to go against Groupon has 115 million subscribers (August The most notorious of Groupon’s mistakes elements of Groupon whilst avoiding many of David Cameron’s public line of scepticism – “pro- 2011) with 32.5 million vouchers purchased in was simultaneously upsetting the Chinese and the mistakes. testing is something you, on the whole, should do the last quarter; the site seems popular with the Tibetan populations when they released an ad- In order to survive Groupon must be inno- on two feet, rather than lying down, in some cases public. But for small businesses, such as restau- vertisement which made a plea for the people vative. Launching ‘Groupon Now’ may have in a fairly comatose state” – and anger those sup- rants and beauty salons which Groupon depend of Tibet – “The people of Tibet are in trouble” been a step in the right direction. This service porters of the movement who view his attempts heavily upon, the outcome is not always posi- – before jokingly adding “but they still whip harnesses the smartphone craze and opens an to reconnect with public spirit as little short of tive. Many small businesses have been over- up an amazing fi sh curry.” Complaints came entirely new revenue stream. The simple inter- hypocrisy following the perceived sell-out to the whelmed by the infl ux of customers, running in thick and fast over Groupon light heartedly face consists of the two buttons, “I’m hungry” Conservatives over issues such as the austerity out of stock or not fi tting in everybody’s ap- using the suffering of Tibetans in order to pro- and “I’m bored” which use GPS to provide the measures and raising of tuition fees. pointments before the vouchers expired (tragic mote their product. user with deals for eateries and entertainment But such political and judicial slip-ups shouldn’t for those who absolutely need their fake tan In fact the story of Groupon’s attempt to close to their location. This differs from the undermine the reputation of the Business Secre- by Friday!) On top of this, participation is not enter the Chinese market is adorned with set- classic ‘daily deals’, which can be redeemed tary as economist. Also present in Rowson’s car- several months later, and provides an attrac- toon is the desert of the economic landscape: fl at- tive option for businesses as they can increase lining growth fi gures of 0.7% for 2011 and 0.6% sales during usually slow periods. Another for 2012, and, on the horizon, the tornado that is new product, ‘Groupon Rewards,’ imple- the crisis in the eurozone. As the Politics Show mented in September in an attempt to increase highlighted, Cable has a knack for predicting these -customer loyalty. Customers who purchase kinds of economic ‘weather systems’. Before step- multiple vouchers from a business which reg- ping into offi ce he urged caution over the auster- ularly offers Groupon deals will ‘unlock’ re- ity measures, warning that to cut too far too fast wards which entitle them to further discounts. would impede growth. Now the man responsible This will allow Groupon to accurately track for the UK’s growth strategy, Cable, will soon have how many people are repeat customers, how the chance to improve it. much individuals spend on average and should On November 29 the Government will issue its increase the number of purchases per user. Autumn Statement. Cable has already stated that Groupon, one of the hottest internet start- it will not contain any large tax cuts or increases ups, has wowed the world with its unprec- in public spending, but with Bloomberg reporting edented rate of growth. Whether it will win possible legislation to limit executive pay, inclus- the battle against Google and Facebook is yet ing options such as giving shareholders a binding to be determined. Only by addressing its fun- vote on pay, and putting employees on company damental errors, embracing new technologies renumeration committees, it looks as though he and continuing down the innovative road they may just have more to offer the protesters than a will they stand a chance in defying the odds sympathetic ear. and emerging as the rightful ruler of the Social – The Business Editors Buying Empire. Groupon must take on Google and Facebook if it is to triumph www.imperialentrepreneurs.com FELIX Friday 18 november 2011 17 BUSINESS Thomas Young’s Entrepreneurial Endeavours

Bernhardt Kreuzweg-Burgheim cess, fortunes could be made by in- vesting in non-existent factories, by It was perhaps due to the imperfect trading incredible amounts of Latin knowledge or absolute ignorance hu- American public debt, or by buying mankind had back then that true poly- and selling land titles in the middle of maths could still exist; nowadays, in the the jungle, where colonies where alleg- age of specialization, it seems almost edly going to be built out of nowhere. impossible. But back in the old days, Adventurers also entered the game: the same person, if gifted and lucky some Gregor MacGregor (1786-1845), enough, could undertake forefront re- who had formerly fought in the South search in the most diverse areas and American wars of independence, pub- make enormous contributions, large licly proclaimed himself ruler of the enough for their names to be remem- fi ctitious Principality of Poyais, and bered. Thomas Young (1773-1890), a successfully drew City investors and physician by training, was such a poly- colonists into this fraudulent venture. math. Colonists would land in Panama only to Engineers will always remember his discover Poyais did not exist, and that name through Young’s modulus. Physi- MacGregor, safely living in Caracas, cists, because he established (or un- had just taken the money and fl ed. earthed) the wave theory of light. Phy- The madness of those days is hard to sicians, because he explained colour match, but not perhaps its sophistica- perception and described astigmatism. tion, as the recent and ongoing crisis Musicians, due to the Young tempera- has shown. And, as it happened in 2007, ment. Egyptologists, for his partial (and the bubble could only burst. By 1825, truly remarkable) decipherment of hi- industrial revolution in Europe had eroglyphics. Capillarity, surface ten- made some other investments rather at- sion, haemodynamics, comparative phi- tractive, too: suddenly, railroads, heavy lology, the double-slit experiment, the machinery, coal mining, steelworks,… measurement of the speed of light, all became obvious and more trustworthy of it was due to Thomas Young. investments. However, most City banks His interests being so wide, it comes had their money placed on Latin Ameri- almost to no surprise that Young did not can ventures; so, in order to fi nance the only endeavour in all that, but became former, they simply decided sell off a successful businessman as well. It all the latter. As it became obvious that no Thomas Young – the man, the myth, the polymath was triggered by a huge economic cri- one really wanted the Latin American sis: the “Panic of 1825”. assets, panic grew and, inevitably, the Following the Napoleonic invasion of London Stock Exchange crashed. the Iberian peninsula, the Kingdom of Banks, the main backers of the specu- shown quite clearly the need of assess- Young was of an inquisitive and rigor- Palladium Company, he realised that his Spain, formerly the biggest colonial lative investments, were the fi rst and ing risk and of prudent expansion. That ous mind. Sometime earlier in his life scientifi c approach could be extended power in Europe, lost its grip in South major victims of the crash. Sixty Eng- was how the Palladium Insurance Com- he had proposed an empirical equation to some other areas of business. For in- America: one by one, all the countries lish banks, including six of the ma- pany, which had been founded amidst for calculating the value of life and, af- stance, his centred his attention in the from Mexico down to Chile and Argen- jor ten, declared bankruptcy as panic the general excitement of this period, ter working on the issue, came up with market of “annuities”. For the layman, tina became independent, a process that spread; but the main survivor, and un- felt in the aftermath. They saw the need a formula calculating the joint value of an annuity is a contract, usually between fi nished in 1821 in Peru. The Spanish doubtedly the biggest culprit, was the of looking for ways of assessing the risk any number of lives too. This method, a pension fund holder and an insurance Empire had usually taken a protection- Bank of England, which back then was, of the insurances they offered so that although cold-hearted and rather im- company, by virtue of which the pen- ist stance and, even though a certain essentially, a chartered yet private busi- they could be priced accordingly, and perfect, outperformed any other current sioner hands over his pension fund – or, amount of smuggling had existed, trade ness that, as such, had heavily fuelled money made in a certain and prudent practice. His analysis, based on statisti- equivalently, a great deal of money – to between their American colonies and the bubble. Ironically, the British gov- way, rather than through adventurous cal data on the number of yearly deaths the insurance company under the agree- Europe had been restricted to Spaniards ernment had to allow the humiliating games in the Stock Exchange. of people of different social positions ment that the insurance company will alone. bail-out of the Bank of England by no However, at that time risk assessment in different locations, allowed him for then pay the pensioner, for the remain- Therefore, when the independence other than the Banque de France, which and pricing were in its teens, and know- the fi rst time to estimate individual life ing of his life, a certain income –the an- process was complete, British fi nan- infused its colleague with enough gold ing of Thomas Young’s fame and exper- expectancy and, thus, to price life insur- nuity. Annuity titles could be purchased ciers saw the newly former countries reserves to prevent its collapse. The tise, they thought he could be the most ances based on the probability someone and sold in the market, and obviously as a great chance of entering a hitherto crisis spread to the rest of Europe, and suitable person for a job consisting on, had to die in the near future. He kept the risk was in the subject living too forbidden market. They were the days prompted a general default of Latin essentially, re-structuring the insurance adding factors into his formula, (diet, long for making the business not profi t- following Napoleons defeat, when Brit- American debt. Governments world- business on scientifi c grounds. They at- profession, family antecedents,...), to able. Young applied his methodology to ain had established itself as the domi- wide promptly learnt the lesson: banks, tracted him in the most generous way; a the point of making his method too this market too, and he was able to cal- nant power. Little regulation existed left alone and unregulated, can cause big salary of £500 was offered to him, complicated for anyone but himself. culate annuities on single or joint lives on the banking sector, as little practice great trouble. Thus, for the fi rst time in along with a considerable number of Nevertheless, being more thorough and and minimise the losses of the insurer. on fi nancial markets existed. Thus, the history, banking policing and regula- stock shares. However, Young appar- serious in his analyses than anyone else, By the time of his death (1829), his initially alluring investments in Latin tions were established. ently thought the deal was too good for Young was quite successful and helped scientifi c insight into the insurance America rapidly attracted too many in- The resulting business environment him: he refused these liberal terms and, the Palladium Company make a great business had attracted enough attention vestors, and speculation followed. was, as it is nowadays, one of uncer- after some negotiations, accepted the profi t. to allow dubbing Young the father of At the height of this speculative pro- tainty and distrust. The bubble had job for £400 per annum alone. While working on these issues for the modern insurancing. 18 1% of Australia’s untapped geothermal power potential could provide enough energy to last the country 26,000 years – GREEN WEEK 2011 Friday 18 november 2011 FELIX Comment Editors: Tim Arbabzadah Sam Horti COMMENT [email protected] FELIX Car Sick: Why we need to Trust issues reclaim our streets

The news that the management training company Coalescence Consulting has received payments of £39,570 this finan- cial year may raise a few eyebrows. While Mark Davies, Chief Executive of the Im- perial College Healthcare NHS Trust, has stated that, “On joining Imperial I rightly declared an interest in the company and resigned as a director of Coalescence to avoid any issues of a conflict of interest. I have had nothing to do with the commis- sioning of any work historic or ongoing,” Luke Sheldon he remains a Senior Consultant and Ex- ecutive Coach for the company, with his wife in the position of Managing Director. ur streets are currently Not only is the issue of conflicts of inter- being occupied by est at best not entirely clear, but in the aggressive, murder- current economic climate and continu- ous, polluting inhab- ing financial instability, it is fair to ask itants: cars. They are Bob Marley caused a smog on the M25 last week whether it is appropriate for a company to effectivelyO environmental squatters. continue to pay out large sums of money Unfortunately, whereas the crimi- for what are described as “innovative, nalisation of squatting, which was pollution. This was attributed to the bespoke organisational development ser- voted through the Commons the retraction of the congestion charge We hahavehavv actually vices for health and social care, to help other week, will throw thousands of from West London, rises in public you, your team and your organisation suc- the most vulnerable in our society transport costs and a lack of invest- warpedd the ceed” on the Coalescence website. The onto the street, it will do nothing to ment in clean buses. intrinsic value of such courses should be solve the environmental and social There is also a social justice issue usefulness of cars thoroughly determined and subsequently ills of cars. However, as it’s Green in this pollution. The statistical ge- reviewed. Week and all, I’m taking this oppor- ographer, Danny Dorling, found that “in our minds, and The Imperial College Healthcare NHS tunity to explain why we don’t need the places with the highest poverty Trust is facing a budget deficit in excess them (which hopefully won’t be too rates were the areas of greatest pol- the pseudo-freedom of £35m and there have been strong alle- difficult as west London is the most lution, but that also the inhabitants gations that St Mary’s may close as part congested area of London I cycle of these areas emitted the least. Es- they promise us of a cost saving exercise, despite protes- through). sentially, due to our road distribu- tation from senior figures. It is therefore Simply put: our society is trapped tion, the most affluent – who are re- not entirely surprising that the news was in a dangerous car culture. As Lon- sponsible for the majority of driving picked up in varying degrees by the na- don students, it may not be an issue and polluting – are destroying the air the 21st century, and that hopefully, tional media: Private Eye, The Telegraph, during term time, but a large propor- quality where the poorest in our so- like with open sewers, we will soon and The Sunday Times all covering the tion of us probably drive when we ciety live. rid our streets of cars and the deaths issue. Despite Mark Davies’ attempts to get home in the holidays. A quarter On top of the environmental fac- they cause. ” clarify the allegations, the story is certain of journeys though are less than 2 tors, cars are too often overlooked We have not let cars invade our to at least cause a few blushes amongst miles; which for the majority of us as the murderers they are. You may lives without a fight. The 90s saw the senior staff. can be easily substituted by walking, think this is strong language, but anti-roads movement with the cam- In his email to the staff, Davies con- biking and/or taking the bus. The when a terrorist attack, often pro- paign to stop the Newbury bypass cludes that “At a time when it is very clear longer journeys can also regularly voked by imperialist wars, to every- and ‘Reclaim The Streets’, shutting that we are facing very large operational be replaced by train and coach. It’s one’s regret kills 50 people we are down roads and motorways for large and financial challenges, I would ask an interesting point from research up in arms. New laws are brought parties, showing how fun life without that they do not deter us from our abso- that people tend to overestimate the in, our civil liberties etched away roads can be. The anti-roads move- lute priority of providing the best possi- length of time to undertake a jour- and we go to war with two countries. ment caused the most expensive evic- ble care to our patients.” While Felix ac- ney by public transport but underes- However, this is minor compared to tion ever as a soon to be demolished tively supports his keenness to resolve timate that same journey by car. We the deaths at the hands of cars, which street had a 70ft tower erected on the financial issues of the Trust, it does have actually warped the usefulness we do nothing about as more people top of a house to stop the motorway not preclude that until the matter of any of cars in our minds, and the pseudo- die every year. that was inevitably built in its place. wrongdoing is fully resolved the news will freedom they promise us. Ask your- Danny Dorling has done a lot of Currently, monthly bike rides, called remain disquieting for staff, concerned self: how free are you in traffic jams work on the deaths caused by cars. Want to Critical Masses, of up to 1000 people not only for the their own job security but or stuck behind a tractor? This car He showed that the ratio of men to swamp the streets of London bringing for the wellbeing of the entire Trust in a obsession is damaging our planet, as women dying between the ages of 20 discuss cars to a stand still as they regularly week when figures showed unemployment nearly a fifth of our country’s carbon and 30 has hit an historical high. It is something, cycle to places where cyclists have rising by a further 129,000 to 2.62m in dioxide emissions come out of their greater than the World Wars, and that but real life been killed, paying their respects the last three months and the Bank of exhaust pipes. this is a consequence of car deaths. conversations (South Bank of Waterloo Bridge, England cutting its forecasts for growth in Environmentally, cars are not just Car deaths are the single biggest kill- 7pm, last Friday of every month if 2011 and 2012 to approximately 1%. We responsible for a large proportion of er of the under 35s, and for people are too you’re interested). The ex-mayor of sincerely hope that there will be a robust climate change, but also, in cities, of undergraduate age, cars account difficult? Bogota, Enrique Penalosa, remarked and proper investigation into the affair. pollute the air we breathe. A recent for nearly half of the non-medical re- Then go to: that you can have a “city friendly to report of 17 European cities by Ger- lated deaths. These deaths are com- cars, or a city friendly to people, not man environmental groups ranked pletely pointless and Danny Dorling felixonline. both”. Let’s make ours friendly to London as one of the worst for air refers to cars as the open sewers of co.uk people and the environment. FELIX Friday 18 november 2011 19

We’re not going to patronise you by saying that the views expressed are the opinions of the authors, not Felix. Oh, wait, we are. Ooops. COMMENT Cats and babies

Lizzy Griffiths he fact that I’m still alive is one of weary tolerance. Cats are more surprising to say the least. than capable of taking over the world. Every day, my life is a The only reason that they don’t is that constant struggle against they would have to feed themselves the innumerable dangers afterwards, which would be the most Tthat surround me. Some are obvious; tremendous bother. But conspiring to cycling to college focuses the sum ha- ruin my life and/or corduroy trousers is tred of all commuters on my little two child’s play for them. wheels. My home is no safer; I actually Babies are even worse because they pay for deadly substances like electric- are even more innocuous. They just lie ity and gas to be pumped through into there all day, laughing and crying, eat- Rhys Davies my living space. At night, I sleep with ing and pooping. Not an obvious danger a blanket and pillows. How I haven’t to anyone, providing they’re wearing smothered myself is a mystery. nose-clips at all times. They don’t even But of all these dangers, there are two seem to have the same otherworldly in- I am especially wary of. These nemeses telligence of cats – or do they? We talk are all the more dangerous because they nonsense to babies and suppose that are so often overlooked. They are com- they have all the smarts of a steamed monly encountered by most people ev- pumpkin. I think these biases colour ery day, in some shape or form. Most our views. Ask a baby about the missing don’t pay them a second thought but works of Shakespeare or the Riemann I pay them third and fourth thoughts. hypothesis or string theory and you may Even fi fth thoughts when I’m feeling be treated to some very sagely stares. particularly paranoid. Knowing of the But sadly we don’t – instead, we dangle threat they pose is one way of protect- our keys in front of them. ing myself against them. This constant underestimation com- I’m talking about cats and babies. bined with a child-like image of justice I have ppersonal Don’t laugh. can lead babies to be pretty vindictive. It is a criminal offence to carry a knife You make choo-choo sounds with a evidenceevidenc that a cat’s but there is no such crime for carrying spoonful of mushy peas; the only fair a cat, despite having more than a dozen retaliation is to vomit over the back of This is terrifying. Look at that yarn ball. Creepy claws can penetrate times the number of blades. I have per- your fancy evening dress. If you happen sonal evidence that a cat’s claws can to be wearing it at the time, that is just denim, corduroy, penetrate denim, corduroy, lead and icing on the karmic cake. and a baby cannot do and heaven help their own right – but what they can be- “ human skin – in that order. Just as an A house with both a cat and baby is you if you have crossed them. For this come. Cats are only ten minutes down lead and human offensive weapon cats are dangerous, where angels fear to tread. Cold intel- reason, not only do I lock my doors at the road genetically, or two missed but it is coupled with a cold and most ligence and tempered, pure, diapered night – I also lock the cat-fl ap. meals, away from the leopard, the most skin – in that order. supreme intelligence. The most benign vengeance is a match made in the dark- What terrifi es me most is not cats and deadly of predators. And babies? expression I have ever read in a cat is est bowels of hell. There is nothing a cat babies themselves – though awful in We all know what they grow up into. Calm” down dear, it’s only an opinion! Felix’s Deputy Editor on the perils of the Comment section

ilvio Berlusconi has proved to inform the reader. It is fair to ask tion is there to inform the reader, both don movement, I’m better off going to himself a great salesman how this can achieved by voicing the students and staff, of college events St Paul’s than reading an atrociously and a poor statesman. opinions of students whose best source in a similar vein to local town news- formed argument in Felix. In short, I’ll Sounds good, doesn’t it? of information is Question Time and papers. The Comment section of Felix resort to more robust, better-informed Has a certain panache. The Newsnight. Arguably, the News sec- is debatably a more selfi sh place where outlets. onlyS thing is, I didn’t come up with tion of Felix is the best place where students get to indulge in forming, at As a result, if I disagree with some- it. The succinct, elegant sentence was the reader can fi nd unique, researched times ill-constructed (much like this one’s opinion in this paper, I am likely written by Beppe Severgnini, the repu- journalism in this publication. Unlike piece), rationalised opinions on, pri- to turn a blind eye and move on. No- table Italian political commentator, Nick Robinson or Simon Jenkins, stu- marily, current affairs. body likes to be demonised by their Charles Betts in a recent Financial Times column. dent columnists don’t lunch with top This paper has, over recent weeks, peers for something they have writ- My opinions on Berlusconi’s reign brass politicians, patiently digging for published many articles on religion. ten, especially when one has often as Prime Minister of the eurozone’s the truth behind the headlines. It’s encouraging to see that students meant the tone to be light hearted. Any third largest economy are limited to Yet, unlike national media, Felix’s take a keen interest in the issues, but single Comment piece in Felix merely Felix’sFelix’s kkey purpose what I have read in national media; I key purpose is to act as a hub for stu- if I want to form my own view on the refl ects the thoughts of one student, have never met an Italian politician, let dents to express their creativity. At a subject I will read Dawkins’ infamous some you’ll agree with and others you is to act ac as a hub for alone voted in an Italian election. And predominately science-based univer- book and speak to the College Chap- won’t; each has been written to enter- herein lies the problem with student sity, Felix holds a unique role in pro- lain personally. The same goes for the tain. Each has also been founded on students to express opinion pieces: they cannot be more viding a much needed artistic outlet Jeremy Kyle debate; if I want to make incomplete subject knowledge, and as than a regurgitation of other, profes- and puts to bed the misconception that a judgment, I’ll watch the show for such should be taken, as per Mr Berlus- their creativity. sional, columnist’s original thoughts. Imperial students are all geeky, singu- myself. And, more recently, if I wish coni’s self-confessed sexual prowess, “ ” A newspaper’s prime objective is larly focused boffi ns. The News sec- to form an opinion on the Occupy Lon- with a pinch of salt. 20 Every day in the U.S, enough waste is produced to equal the weight of the Empire State Building – GREEN WEEK 2011 Friday 18 november 2011 FELIX Comment Editors: Tim Arbabzadah Sam Horti COMMENT [email protected] Flogging a dead God

y unquestionable I write this article in response to an faith in the non- article written two weeks ago entitled existence of an inef- “There’s probably no Dawkins…” fable, unfathomable in which Joshua asks “why does and utterly unintel- Dawkins refuse to debate Craig?”. It Mligible being has been brought into appears that Joshua’s queries were question. “Aha! The fundamentalist answered when Dawkins himself atheist finally sees that the existence wrote an article (20th October) in The of the ultimate voyeur (as Sartre Guardian entitled “Why I refuse to would put it…) is still very much up debate William Lane Craig.”… The for debate.” What has brought about only real question to ask is whether Kishan Manani this paradigm shift? Dawkins’ reasons are legitimate. I The past couple of weeks have seen shall not venture down such an alley a hurricane of religious and at some and let the reader make up their own points even rational debate. PhilSoc’s mind after reading Dawkins’ article. “Is there a rational proof for God” I’d rather get to the next point. debate, a guest lecture from William The closing remark of Joshua’s ar- Lane Craig and a flurry of Felix ar- ticle was of most interest. The article “You’re fired!” This is what Alan Sugar sees in his head in the boardroom ticles on related topics have raised claims that 4000 views of a YouTube the age old issue of God and religion video of Craig arguing for the exis- again. tence of God indicates that this area At this stage I must confess. As a is “still a hot topic…” and “very much God and stop thinking), the teleologi- ments in which he explicitly supports fundamentalist, I have not changed open for debate”. Being a blind fol- cal argument (the Universe appears to God’s instructions to commit a geno- my mind. My dogmatic faith in rea- lower in the Cult of Dawkins I de- be made for our existence just like the cide are enough to bring into question son, evidence and rational thinking cided to examine the claims and use puddle on the road thinks the pothole the intellectual integrity of any such remain an obstacle. Brainwashed by reason to come to a conclusion. was made for its existence) and many, debater. Bertrand Russell I cannot see the util- Fifty minutes of my life were many more. After hundreds of years of argu- ity of adopting beliefs which are un- thrown into the past as I watched the In Felix’s interview last month, ment, there has been little progress true or at best unlikely. Thus, just as Craig lecture. Unsurprisingly, Craig Craig was asked whether his belief in concerning God’s existence. The de- My dogmaticdodogg faith I have faith in the non-existence of was flogging a dead God. All of his ar- God would be diminished if he found bate is only “open” to the extent that unicorns, fairies and girls studying guments are at least 500 years old and refutations (which he found convinc- we keep reiterating the same argu- in reasreason, evidence CompSci, I also believe, yes believe, have been thoroughly refuted (See ing) to the arguments he presented. ments and refutations time and time that anything like the God of Abraham Russell, Wikipedia, Kant, Google, His response was “I would still have again. On all things concerning super- and rational falls into this category. I would like to Hume). Craig’s arguments included my belief, because my belief in God natural entities which transcend the remind the reader that it would be im- great classics such as: the ontological is not based on these arguments… I understanding, we should take the ad- thinking remain an polite to pooh-pooh at my faith at this argument (where God is defined into think my faith in God is based on the vice of Ludwig Wittgenstein: “What “ stage, as that would be disrespectful existence), the cosmological argument inner witness of God’s Spirit…”. The we cannot [intelligibly] speak about obstacle and cause offence. As we all know it is (causality implies the Universe has a arguments are not strong enough even (i.e. the ineffable) we must pass over outrageous to dispute someone’s faith. first unphysical cause, let’s label this to convince himself. This and com- in silence.” I want” an armistice

ast week, we marked the wore a poppy for the week or so up nutters who choose to complain about The answer is that they do want to, and death of millions of sol- to that weekend, and not afterwards. wars fought half a millennium ago by this is of course because of the wars in diers. They had all died By contrast, now, it seems to have re- burning large poppies are talked about Iraq and Afghanistan. We have a new in action at some point gained its previous name, Armistice at this sort of time, though their activi- generation of mourners. The tone has in the last 93 years, since Day, and it really does happen on ties are fortunately no longer public. changed because pretty much every- theL start of the First World War. The the 11th November. Almost everyone So, we have a change of tone towards body knows someone, knows someone eleventh day of the eleventh month wears a poppy, and many people wear Armistice Day being taken much more who knows someone, or knows some- has been marked in this way for years. black arm bands or black ribbons as seriously, at least in Europe. There one who went out with someone who In fact, only a handful of people cur- well. There is also a certain uniformity is no upset about this; there is an in- knows someone, that was killed in the rently alive today were also alive to it, with pretty much everyone doing built politeness to anyone in mourning Middle East. And that does include when it was not. You might think that it in the same way; many of my French that defl ects negative criticism. But ‘both sides’ of the war. Realising that as those who were there in WWI start colleagues also wore a poppy despite it at any rate, this change seems at odds someone you either knew, or were not Samuel Furse to die, the seriousness would start to being a symbol of a British charity. In- with the fact that WWI is a far distant that far away from, was killed by an wane, that the idea would start to lose evitably some people managed to cock memory. The last WWI combat vet- IED inevitably makes a day of remem- its punch. Even as children we were it up in a thoughtless and shy-making eran died earlier this year. My grand- brance much more personal. It makes all acutely aware of the signifi cance way. An American I know updated her parents’ generation were amongst the you think about those in the trenches but also the distance from us. But have Facebook status with “Happy 11th No- youngest to fi ght in WWII and they in WWI who met a similar fate, albeit you noticed recently how the tone has vember”, proving that she has no idea are dying out at alarming speed. So a muddier and wetter one. It makes the ...people...... peoppeop do not changed? what Armistice Day means. I tried to where does it come from, this change Blackadder joke, about what happens When I fi rst knew about it, it was an point this out gently but it turned out in tone? It is obviously not a politi- when you step on a landmine, all the grieve if they do obviously reverential day called Re- that all of her friends who bothered cal or governmental thing. Even if the more poignant. And actually, shutting membrance Day that rarely fell on the to comment thought the same as her, coalition did want to push national up and standing still for two minutes not want to. 11th November, as it was bunged over and as doctors, they do not even have mourning, it would not work: people on a given day is a pretty small price “ ” to the nearest Sunday. Some people the defence of being stupid. And the do not grieve if they do not want to. to pay even if you disagree with it. FELIX Friday 18 NOVEMber 2011 21 COMMENT This title doesn’t fit, that’s quite emba...

don’t really know how to start this round, and then trying again. Throughout article. That’s quite embarrassing. this process, I try and fail to look non- Then again, I think that’s a recur- chalant. I could give more examples, but ring theme in my life. I always fi nd thinking of them is making me cringe, so a way to embarrass myself. In a for the rest of this I’ll be a bit vague. wayI I’m like Bob Dylan. Except it’s em- Occasionally, when I’m talking to some- barrassment’s door that I’m knock knock one, I’ll say something a bit weird. Then knocking on. I then realise that I’ve actu- I have to try to laugh it off and stammer ally got the wrong door, just as it’s too late through the conversation. Unfortunately, and the person who lives there is opening this is not in a charming Hugh Grant “Oh it. my gosh I really am rather mortifi ed, erm, Tim Arbabzadah I am a lightning rod for embarrassment. blimey, erm, terribly sorry” way, it’s more If there is a name of a person I’ve met too of a “No, wait. I didn’t mean… It was a many times to forget, I’ll forget. If there’s joke… Stop walking away” kind of way. a step to trip up on, I’ll trip up on it. If Whenever I go out, especially if alco- there’s a song that I can mutter when I’m hol is involved, I’ll inevitably wake up walking down the street, I’ll mutter away. the next morning (more accurately late A man who knows how to awkwardly bumble his way through conversations and I’ll then notice the odd looks and try to afternoon – for anyone that knows me still be charming. A true role model, except for the whole prostitute thing decide if it’s best to stop, or to just pre- well) feeling that familiar ‘Oh shit, that tend I’m on the phone with someone. If I actually happened didn’t it, can I rewind get in a lift, I’ll end up turning round and time?’ sensation. Usually, followed by ing thing they did to care about what you noticed, will tell people. With 6 degrees of looking at the mirror. Then someone gets a groan and that dreadful feeling that, at did, you are liberated. It’s all really just separation and all that everyone will know in, sees me, and we have to have a silent some point soon, I’m going to have to see in your head. The trick is just not letting and sneer. Actually, that is pretty bad; I’ve two person lift ride. Of course, this is after the people I was out with the night before. it get to you. Unfortunately, that trick is forgotten what my point was going to be I say ‘which fl oor?’; only to realise that This feeling is like Silvio Berlusconi to a like doing a backfl ip: you may how to do as I’m feeling your pain right now. Oh they had already pressed the button and woman: it just refuses to leave me alone. it theoretically, but actually pulling it off wait, it COULD have been worse. You ThisThis feelingfe is like my voice had just broken up an octave as For the rest of the day I have to keep practically is the hard part. That was a bit could have done an inebriated Tweet (@ if I’m 15. my mind actively occupied with every of a contrived simile. I feel quite emb… girlthatsitsarowinfrontofme You’re well Silvio Berlusconi If you ever see me walking into the li- thought except what happened last night. ahhh, damn it, see how hard it is? fi t, seriously, like, I defi nitely would #up- brary (that’s just the kind of party animal I like to think that I’m not alone in this Okay, last night, after one too many, forit). Then, the next morning you would to a woman: it lifestyle I lead) you will notice the doors pain. This torment. This mortally embar- you may have danced like a bit of an idiot. have been confronted with the irrefutable decide to open at the very last moment. rassing coil. In fact, that’s the point. You Sure, at the time you felt like you were evidence. just refuses to Or sometimes, just not at all. This means are not alone. Everyone feels this in some being a sleek suave Imperial version of Whenever you feel that dread welling “ I end up walking very close to the doors, way; some are just better at hiding it than James Bond when you were trying to get up inside, spare a thought for me. I legiti- leave me alone. awkwardly pausing when I lose my nerve others. Once you realise that everyone is with that girl; but what’s the worst that can mately could have written this article at and think it’s not going to open, turning too busy worrying about what embarrass- really happen? She, and everyone who any point in time over the last four years. The ”real benefit cheats

elfare can be a 2011 was £4.9 billion. or otherwise “getting around” obliga- tax base. They take the benefi ts of a controversial issue An excellent graphic representing tions. Like MPs cheating the expenses working society, (police and fi re pro- these days, invok- the total government expenditure for system, tax avoiders follow the letter tection, national security, public roads, ing heated debate. 2010-2011 can be found on The Guard- but not the spirit of the law. As the for- utilities, the internet, publicly funded It is often said ian newspaper’s website. Using that, mer Chancellor Denis Healey wrote: research and development, educated thatW the hard-working majority are and other sources, we can look at the “The difference between tax avoidance workers, etc.) but don’t want to pay for forced to pay taxes for the idle few numbers and decide whether it’s right and tax evasion is the thickness of a them. The burden thus falls ever harder benefi t-scroungers who don’t pull their to blame the poor for runaway taxes prison wall”. on the middle-class and the poor. weight. In these economic times, many on the majority, or whether it’s really Offshore tax havens are complicated It should be pretty clear by now that have wondered whether these pay- someone else leeching off our nation’s and expensive to set up, often requir- the money lost to corporate tax dodg- ments should be cut. collective wealth. ing entire teams of accountants, so ing by the rich is even greater than the Jakov Marelic Trouble is: that’s not the situation Apart from the already mentioned they are usually used only by multina- money spent on the working and un- we’re actually in. Far from your tax- Jobseekers Allowance (£4.9 billion), tional corporations and the extremely working poor. Yet you’d never guess es being spent mostly on the nation’s other benefi ts perceived as unfair are wealthy. A prominent example of this that reading most of the mainstream poorest, more cash is actually handed incapacity benefi t (£7.7 billion) which was the retail giant Philip Green get- newspapers. (See my other article “The out to the richest 1% through corporate helps people too ill or disabled to work, ting around his £285 million tax bill by media’s inevitable right-wing slant” in welfare and tax dodging. council tax benefi t (£4.9 billion), hous- paying all the profi ts to his wife who Felix 14.10.11 for why this happens. TheThe newnneew breed of Last winter, the country was rocked ing benefi t (£21.6 billion) and income was registered as living in the Monaco Rather than demonising the job- by protests against tax avoidance. In support (£7.8 billion). These fi gures are tax haven. less, we should be focusing on closing too-rich-to-pay-tootoo-rich-rich particular the UK Uncut group were all benefi t expenditure, honest or other- HM Revenue & Customs own esti- the tax gap – the difference between arguing against the alleged £6 billion wise. Illegal benefi t fraud accounts for mates say that £60 billion is lost every the amount of tax which the law sug- tax freeloaders is unpaid tax bill of Vodafone, in what a mere £1.1 billion. year through a combination of illegal gests should be paid in the UK and the investigative magazine Private Eye Tax dodging comes in two fl avours. tax evasion and legal tax avoidance. the amount actually paid. For the rich- hollowing outut our described as “an unbelievable cave-in” Illegal tax evasion is where companies The TaxJustice pressure group esti- est 1% to lead the criticism of welfare “ by Britain’s top tax inspectors. To put simply hide their profi ts from the au- mates £120 billion. programmes for the poor is therefore tax base this fi gure into perspective, the total thorities. Legal tax avoidance is the art The new breed of too-rich-to-pay- hypocritical at best, and cynical propa- ” cost of Jobseekers Allowance in 2010- of fi nding loopholes, using tax havens, tax freeloaders is hollowing out our ganda at worst. 22 If the entire world lived like the average American, we’d need fi ve planets to provide enough resources – GREEN WEEK 2011 Friday 18 november 2011 FELIX GREEN WEEK The Environmental Vegetarianism: Only for Hippies? Impact of Fashion April Williamson ways more sustainable, but cutting off trade means Whilst trawling through the latest collection in we are neglecting to use it as a way to bring people Topshop one rarely stops to consider the environ- Why the hell would someone want to become a out of poverty. However, because of the amount of mental impact of the fashion industry, but with the vegetarian – this is probably the general consensus resources necessary to rear the amount of livestock increasing trend of disposable fashion it’s quickly for most of the UK population, am I right? You are we are consuming, it actually all the air miles from becoming more of an issue than ever. From the destined to a world of tasteless, soya-bean fi lled You may not think that all animals are sentient, your vegetables actually add up to a lower envi- pesticides used during the farming of cotton and non-existence, and you don’t want to get grouped but if you have a pet who you know full well loves ronmental impact than eating the same amount of the large quantity of water needed in the dying pro- in with those dirty hippies. you, animals with the same level of intelligence meat. cess to the carbon footprint of the transportation, So why do it? are getting battery farmed into packaged meat. So you still don’t want to be a vegetarian – what every step of the product line causes harm to the Stepping away from vegan-freeganism ranting, You want to be sure that they should have a good can you do? environment. Landfi ll sites are also feeling the even the odd carnivore is bound to be curious why standard of life. Anyone out there who claims they Fair do’s – not everyone can give up meat. I strain as people throw away bags full of unwanted vegetarianism has seen a rising trend in the last love animals is ultimately hypocritical if they never know how hard it is, I had to wean myself off meat, pieces. twenty years. And I’m not just talking about those take into consideration where their food is sourced- and fear meat relapses where I become an animal- Of course there has always been some degree bastard east-end hipsters being “trendy”. I’m going you can’t pick and choose which animals deserve istic murderer. But there is still so much that can of harm to the environment, but modern day prac- to be honest, I’m a vegetarian – but don’t get me welfare. be done. tices are worsening the problem. Only a couple of wrong, meat is F**KING TASTY – I do not feel This is where you fi nd some of the most compel- You can reduce our carbon footprint, become decades ago, the majority of clothes bought in Eng- sick when someone eats a burger next to me, nor ling arguments for vegetarianism, which are sadly more ethical and save money by just cutting down. land had actually been made in England from start do I ask them to move. So let’s give a couple rea- not that well publicized. Hippie or not, for a sus- In the UK, meat makes up about 16% of the av- to fi nish, but now we see even home favourites like sons why I gave up my Nando’s and BBQ steak. tainable future vegetarianism is not just speculative erage diet – if everyone cut down to a quarter of Marks and Spencer outsourcing to less developed Here there’s going to be a lot of controversy, no malarkey. The facts speak for themselves – the way this we would have cut down enough to meet all countries. Whilst this obviously brings up the issue doubt. We’ve heard about murdering defenseless we consume meat is unsustainable. food based cuts to be reached by 2020. Also, stop of sweatshops and poor working conditions, the in- ducklings and the cruelty – I know what you’re I am certainly not saying that vegetarianism is wasting food at home – 30% of food goes to waste, creased amount of air transportation has also had thinking – ‘it’s nature, suck it up’. However, al- the way forward for everyone – I will never be one which equates to a huge amount of cumulative re- a signifi cant impact on carbon pollution. though I am inclined to agree with the circle of life, of those people to call another person wrong in this sources. The introduction of shops like Primark and H&M people need to understand the consequences of respect. However, the way in which we consume is Start off small – try cutting down a little bit at have exacerbated the problem with their constantly what they are eating. inarguably fl awed. a time. You don’t have to eat as much meat at ev- evolving collections and cheap prices. Where, in If it were a chicken and I stuck on a desert island 18% of C0 and 37% of methane emissions are ery meal, or every day. Quitting on meat a couple past years, a girl might buy one new dress a month, 2 I would take him out before he tried to become attributable to livestock; that’s more CO than all times a week is not going to break your soul and she can now afford to buy fi ve to keep 2 friends with me, but we live in a society where the transport put together. The resources pumped into willpower now – it’s easy and you probably won’t on top of all of the latest trends. consumption of meat has become unhealthy. Back livestock rearing are unbelievable – 70% of agri- notice that much of a different to your lifestyle. Rather than buying key investment in the day when it was us, a spear and the wild, we cultural space is used up either in grazing animals If you want to cut down but aren’t sure how, pieces that, whilst costing more, worked for our food in a fair fi ght and we ate as or for growing food to raise them, so this crap wow this sounds like an AA ad, you can always are a better quality and will be much as we could catch that would sustain us. about vegetables taking up more space is bunt. check out different meal plans with the Part-Time worn for years to come, people We now live in a society where most animals One of the biggest issues we face is water con- Carnivore Project. There are so many ways that are opting for quantity. The fast that you buy on the high street are raised in an un- sumption. It’s been argued that our crops take the you can organize your diet so that it is sustainable paced nature of the fashion in- natural manner. Animals are often reared in poor majority percentage of unsustainable global water and incorporates your favorite foods: http://www. dustry means that what’s ‘in’ is conditions and treated totally inhumanly, despite use – and to some extent this is true. However, so parttimecarnivore.org/ always changing, and shops like the efforts of organizations such as the RSPCA, to much of what we grow goes on to feed our live- If you want to get your geek on, you can double- Primark mean that everyone can satisfy our cravings. On average the British con- stock that things are put into perspective – one kilo check all the horrifi c facts and fi gures: http://pubs. keep up. sume 1000 calories more than necessary – this and of meat uses up 6x more water than a kilo of wheat. acs.org/doi/full/10.1021/es702969f But things need to change. Some shops have too much meat has been proven to cause long-term Finally, transport. There is the argument that Interested in how food consumption effects the started to introduce eco-friendly designs, specifi - health problems. A lot of lives are going to waste with globalization we are increasingly getting veg- environment and check out what else you can cally made from raw organic materials, or some- over wanting to slap a chicken fi llet on the grill etables that have come from the other side of the do: http://www.wwf.org.uk/what_we_do/cam- times even from recycling old clothes, but more can without thinking about where it’s sourced. world. This is a dilemma – localized sourcing is al- paigning/food_campaign/livewell_2020/ be done to lessen the problem. With vintage de- signs becoming increasingly popular, it has never been more in vogue to recycle unwanted clothes, FUN FACTS! By replacing a manual process that involved copying invoices and sending and receiving approvals by internal mail, 240,000 pieces of paper a year and through charity shops, vintage stores and auc- have been saved New software that enables switching off of computers has reduced energy consumption and will save £25 per annum per PC College uses 100% recycled paper tion sites like eBay, it has never been easier. College has spent over 1.2 million pounds on metering equipment All furniture is FSC certifi ed, i.e. from sustainable forests All food is locally grown – College won a ‘Good Another craze sweeping the nation is clothes Egg award’ for it! All catering food waste is composted We have on-site combined heat and power generators that save us at least 1000 tonnes of CO2 per year by being more swapping parties. This is where a large group of effi cient than the grid (normally) women get together, bringing any un- wanted clothes with the intention to swap them for something someone else has brought. Not only Students turned on by switching off are they great for the environment, they’re really sociable events and are ideal for the current fi nan- Stefan Piatek the energy saving boards, so of heating is all we ask for. For cial climate. congrats to them. added fun, you can check out For Green Week (Monday 21 November – Friday Hey, remember that awful band 5ive? I’ve got a To make things even more the geeky videos on the web- 25 November), Imperial’s Women in SET are host- friend in Bristol who loves them. Anyway, they fun, there will be towers of site ing a college wide clothes swap. So if you have also did that horrible song ‘When the Lights Go prizes throughout the year for energy-saving ac- These tiny actions, last year energy consumption any clothes you don’t wear anymore, that don’t Out’, something I’m glad I can’t really recall. They tions. Roughly every two weeks Ben & Jerry’s in halls reduced by 3% compared to previous years. fi t, or that you’re simply bored of, then this is the did however hit a good point – that turning off un- ice cream, club tickets, NUS extra cards and more This prevented 26 tonnes of CO from entering the perfect opportunity to get rid of them and swap 2 necessary lights is pretty ace. This is what Student things than you can paint in a day. To hit it off, atmosphere in just 4 months and is equivalent to them for new ones. Every day during the start of Switch Off is all about. like the Facebook page ‘Imperial College Student the energy needed to either power an energy saving Green Week you can drop your clothes off in the I should stress that choosing that song was not Switch Off’ and while you’re at it, slam yourself light bulb for 373 years, make 1,500,000 cups of foyer Sherfi eld for Tokens, and on Tuesday evening my choice, but energy saving aspirations will hope- onto the mailing list so you know when you can tea, or fl y from London to Manchester 588 times! in FiveSixEight (one of the union bars). The swap fully redeem me. The Student Switch Off is a cam- win prizes like mad. For more information and to ‘show you what will happen on Wednesday (the 23rd) all day in the paign in halls of residence to save energy (queue The idea behind this is that lots of little actions it’s all about’ please visit the website www.stu- Union Meeting Room 7, where you come along and pun about how you should ‘get down’ with energy- collectively make big differences. So you don’t dentswitchoff.org. exchange your tokens for clothes. This is for both savvy actions). have to stop using technology or revert to a cave You don’t have to be a 90s pop enthusiast to boys and girls so everyone can get involved! Here’s the deal, the hall that saves the most en- man diet. Switching things off when not in use, take part, but it would be great if you could turn Laura Johnston ergy at the end of the year will get a massive party using a lid when cooking, fi lling the kettle to just the lights off (and all the rest of it) when you’re funded by Imperial. Last year Eastside dominated the amount you need and using clothing in place going out! FELIX Friday 18 november 2011 At least 50 million acres of rainforest are lost every year, totaling an area the size of England, Wales and Scotland combined – GREEN WEEK 2011 23 GREEN WEEK Love is for Bicycles... Marathon Man At the end of the summer, just as term was about to start again, Jarvist Frost and care about, the clicks and ticks and With no opportunity cost of stopping, are hard to keep to. Commuting regimes I thought it was about time to mechanical whirls as familiar as the throb and an infi nite number of choices of much less so, even if you’re blowing off attempt a new challenge. A few When I was very young, I learnt to ride a of my heart. routes from place to place, discovering college for the day, there’s always places years ago I did the London Mar- bike at the same time as my big sister. We All mechanical things break. And I new shops, bars and cafes became so to go and people to see. Without ever re- athon for the fi rst time; some lived on the coast, and I still remember have been truly exasperated when wheels much easier. I realised the wastelands that ally intending to, I was suddenly doing an years later I did it again, and, whizzing along the wide promenade with have punctured and bearings seized at the I’d dreaded trudging through were just a hour of exercise a day, with the inevitable wanting to raise more money, I the grey channel on the left, the stabilisers worst possible time. But a bike is a simple few short blocks long, a few minutes of repercussions. I fi rst noticed that I’d done did it alongside the Paris Mara- digging in alternately as I threaded a wild a wheeled vehicle as it is possible to imag- peddling and then suddenly you were in something fairly radical when I was lying thon which was two weeks be- S along the Tarmac. As a teenager cycling ine, and almost anything can be fi xed with another, slightly different, vision of Lon- idle in bed, listening to my watch tick and fore. This time, wanting to carry became a method of liberation, of visiting a tiny set of tools and a bit of knowledge. don. my heart beat. With some horror, I noticed on exponentially up the ‘slightly friends at the opposite end of town and in I honestly think it’s been more reliable I used to stumble through the winter that the seconds were ticking by faster mental’ ladder, the concept of rural villages, without needing parents, commuting on my bike than the tube or in a fog of drowsiness, getting chilled on than the blood was pumping. doing 5 marathons in 5 weeks without needing to drive, without the im- bus. Cyclists help each other, and working the walks, then roasted in my heavy coat My favourite cycle journey by far is the came and wouldn’t go away. possible cost of owning a car. on bikes is really quite fun, understanding on public transport. Little light and every- late night return from a party. In the sum- The chance also came to raise On coming to Imperial, my physical and fi xing them is a challenge but one that thing felt submerged in sleep, concentrat- mer, this is often in the fi rst light of dawn, money for The Outward Bound world shrank as my many options ex- anyone is capable of. ing in lectures made me feel like I was the city abandoned by its asleep humans Trust, one of the best youth panded. I always meant to get cycling The speed, to be honest, was a bit of a deep sea diving, struggling against an un- but the buildings bathing the pink glow of development charities in the again, but due to a combination of dis- shock. I’m no Lance Armstrong, and it’s dertow. Now the winter coat stays in the a new sun. The quiet & empty streets are UK, and I couldn’t resist. They organisation and a dark underlying fear clear that even buses cupboard, your body a joy to ride, a brief and transitory insight got me the place in the London of the congested roads I lived in London travel faster than puts out so much into what our city would be like with few- Marathon, and it wasn’t hard without a bike for many years. I under- you do on the heat cycling that er motor vehicles, the air fresh and soot to fi nd 4 other marathons sur- stood the city as these spheres of existence open straights. you only need free before the lorries fi re up their fi lthy rounding it to complete the set. around tube stations and bus terminals. Of But conges- a thin layer diesels. So much of our built environment It was soon after embark- course I had an A-Z, and I sometimes set tion is porous for warmth is structured around these inhuman metal ing on training that I was ap- off on long walks but soon found myself when you’re and something boxes living on borrowed time and energy proached about a totally new tramping through the enormous waste- on such a nar- windproof. from a prehistoric sun. concept in sponsorship, and, lands that separate civilisation. The cost of row vehicle, The cold air is So please, don’t waste your time like though I also do need to raise travel limited how I spent my time, I lived and lots of back terrifying early me. Get a bike. Ride it. Don’t fear the traf- money, I decided to accept the within walking distance of college and de- roads that are closed on a winter morn- fi c, you will soon gain the confi dence to Do Nation challenge and get viating far from the corridor I trudged ev- off or ‘one wayed’ to ing, you drink fi re and cycle amongst it. Do it to get fi t, do it to people to sponsor me by cut- eryday cost money and time. I lived in the prevent abuse by cars are ice as you leave the house reduce your impact on the environment, ting their carbon. There’s no largest city in Europe, but I may as well as open for cyclists. Some even and spin up to speed. But it cer- to help construct the city and community cost involved, merely a pledge lived in any large town, except for the lack have Toucan crossings to whisk you tainly wakes you up! that you want to live in, to enjoy the city, to change something in your of space and high rents. across the main traffi c fl ows. Racing the I never meant to exercise. The to be more happy, to meet other people, life for a while and lessen your I fi nally came back to cycling when I tube on a long journey is more diffi cult, thought of sweating in a gym that reeks to whizz around a Velodrome, to cut wild affect on the environment. The started living with a friend who seemed to but it is surprising how close cut it is. of other’s exertions fi lls me with horror. swathes across the countryside at the ways to do this are surprisingly live on his bike. Getting my own pair of Cycling around suddenly pooled all the I just used my bike to go from place to weekend. It really doesn’t matter. Just get simple – eat less meat, air dry wheels back was revolutionary. No more disparate scraps of bits of London I knew place. When I wanted to go faster (I was, some wheels. your clothes, cycle to work, and stifl ing tube in the winter, no more sitting into a rich tapestry. I slowly learned routes and still am, eternally late for everything) Fat wheels, thin wheels, single speeds, many more – all things we hear amongst the grey people peering through from place to place that encompassed or get warmer I would push on the pedals hub gears, drop handlebars, dutch bikes, about all the time but some- steamed up bus windows at grey London the whole of London, a spiders web that harder. But the more I rode, the faster I’d cargo bikes, mountain bikes, steel frames times are just too much effort outside. Instead of frittering away money means that no matter where you end up, have to go before I got out of breath. I was to carbon fi bre Monocoques. Bikes are to bother with. The beauty of on public transport, I started spending on point me in the direction of Centre Point more hungry than usual, which makes amazingly individual. Just fi nd one that the Do Nation idea is that by things that I’d own. My bike became an & a few hundreds metres later I’ll recog- food taste nicer, yet my body just got fi ts your body, budget and lifestyle and sponsoring someone and say- extension of myself, something to own nise where I am and thread my way home. leaner and more toned. Exercise regimes enjoy it. ing you are going to do some- thing, you have a reason, some- thing to work towards when you A CHECKLIST FOR BIKE USERS – Register for the swipe card access parking – either under the are trying to save carbon. After all, running several marathons – Sherfi eld security sell mega-D-locks for only £28, less than faculty building or behind Huxley, just google “Imperial Bike has got to be harder than air Parking”. drying your clothes, right?! half price! Of course, I hope people will – Learn how to change a fl at tyre, you can fi nd this out anywhere sponsor me not just in carbon – Always lock your bike frame with a decent (high quality D-lock) and all bike shops should happily explain how you should do it. but in cash, but there’s no lock to an immoveable object, lock the wheels up with some- reason not to do both. Even if you don’t know anyone who is thing less hardcore. – http://union.ic.ac.uk/presidents/icbug/ trying to get sponsorship it’s worth searching the site and sponsoring someone you don’t know. And if you’re already pretty green and want to show it, why not show off! I’m hope- Food for thought on Thought For Food fully going to write something more about this challenge later next year when intense training Rodrigo Pracana what can we do about it? A team decided to run around their cam- whole process and presented their solution has begun, but for now please This is what the teams in the pus dressed in chicken costumes to in a 5-minute video, which can be seen on check out my sponsorship site About 1 billion out of the world’s 7 billion Thought For Food challenge promote Meatless Monday. We Thought For Food’s YouTube channel. at http://bit.ly/tFIybN and my inhabitants do not have access to their ba- were keen to answer. After two at Imperial, decided to build an The challenge will be running again Do Nation site at http://bit.ly/ sic nutritional needs. But what exactly is months of late-night reading ev- app, currently being developed, this year, and rumours say it will be going sjy2lR the problem? Not enough food being pro- ery team came up with a solution to that will help reduce waste from left- global. Maybe you want to participate with Alex Kendall duced? Unfair distribution and waste? And be put in practice at their local level. overs. Best thing is, all the teams fi lmed the your Thought For Food? Some things never go out of style Movember is raising money for Prostate Cancer Research. To find out more, or to donate to our team, visit http://goo.gl/JMPyF or scan the adjacent QR code! 26 2.5 million plastic bottles are thrown away every hour in the USA alone – GREEN WEEK 2011 Friday 18 november 2011 FELIX Arts Editor: Eva Rosenthal Will Prince ARTS [email protected] The Poet’s Column 13: Unlucky for most? Vagabonds Fresh from the successes of Earthquakes in London, Mike Bartlett’s new by Michael A. Anderson Burley play takes a new angle of government, protest and personal responsibility

We wander long, We vagabonds in dream begotten tales. Such trails as weave like filigree upon this earthly sphere. Trod misty vales, having slipped free those surly bonds. Still, under storm-crowned sails the myriad coursings are begun before the cloud-veiled summit breach towards the freshly risen sun.

Felix Arts is constantly looking for new poets. If you want to see your work ap- pearing here, do get in touch. Addition- ally, those interested in joining Poetry Society, contact Osas Omoigiade, at [email protected].

Message from Marilyn: “ICSM Drama’s Main Play returns this March with an adaptation of The play gets its title from its opening week box offi ce takings Billy Wilder’s classic fi lm ‘Some Like it Hot’. Ladies, if you reckon you’re the next me? Umar Nasser off,’ (not to mention – very sleep deprived) there intonation. The standout performer however Gentleman, do you have an inner comes an unassuming people’s prophet: ‘John was Adam James; at once effortlessly convinc- gangster to let out? Come and be The lights dimmed, an enigmatic black cube in the Park.’ As the play progresses we watch ing, utterly compelling and genuinely moving – part of the most hilarious, began to descend from the ceiling, and a voice to see whether this generation really can affect even without a sympathetic role. This is an actor scandalous and glamorous play in Imperial’s whispered unsettlingly, “You know when a change, or whether they’ll once again resign at the top of his game. (venerated) history! you’re in that deep sleep…” At this point, the themselves to the will of the controlling powers. The play is not fl awless though. Since it production Felix saw suddenly halted – a tech- Though occasionally teetering on juggling too serves both as a character-based drama, and a Auditions start next month - keep your eyes peeled nical glitch we were told that would be swiftly many character arcs, the play is by and large philosophically-minded social commentator, it here and around campus in the coming weeks for resolved. Whilst the superstitious amongst us quite engaging – aided by seamless transitions, cannot fulfi l either role to its utmost. As well as more details!” would have us believe that something like this short and snappy scenes, and a rather unique set. this there are characters who, whilst well acted was inevitable, given the name of the National Said ‘set’ is really just a massive black box that and entertaining don’t really add to the narra- Theatre’s new play 13, once restarted the play rotates according to the setting – bringing new tive in any meaningful way. But in a sense its rarely faltered, and proved hypnotising through- characters on and off in a silent whirl, and giv- ‘weaknesses’ are also its greatest strengths. The out. Playwright Mike Bartlett’s newest endeav- ing a contextual but sparse backdrop to scenes surplus of characters ensure that the play never our is an ambitious one, at once attempting to that demand it. It is never overbearing nor gim- becomes humourless, and with disarmingly interweave social commentary with real human micky, but serves to streamline what is actually frank discussions on God and religion, it is in- drama, profound philosophising with block- quite a long play at two and a half hours. How- evitably far more thought provoking than the buster staging, whilst all the while trying to hold ever the play only rarely drags with fast paced average drama, whilst giving a human heart to it together with a narrative that actually makes set pieces like the club-dance number, and the well reasoned discussions. The real danger lay sense. And against all the odds, it largely suc- rather hilarious rendition of Rihanna’s ‘Only in the possibility that it would become preachy ceeds. Girl in the World.’ The acting too is universally and moralising, especially in the second half, In a parallel but all too familiar London, peo- good, with perhaps one exception, that of Kirsty which was largely a debate between two op- ple from all walks of life have been having the Bushell’s rather pre-emptive ‘Rachel’. Instead posing ideologies. But the two viewpoints are ARTSOC have the pleasure to present you all with same nightmare – one with monsters, chaos and of acting well, she decided to spend her time so well represented that one can’t really fault it, very special offers of discounted musical tickets! explosions. They can’t sleep. In this atmosphere onstage experimenting with ‘inTEReSTIng’ as well as helpfully delivered by characters that of unrest and disquiet director Thea Sharrock in- you actually believe in. With a spine chilling Dec 1 Million Dollar Quartet £15.00 troduces us to a slew of characters that paint the and all too realistic climax, the play ends with Dec 6 Wizard of Oz £25.00 picture of a deeply unhappy London. ‘Britain’s “With disarmingly frank the same excitement that defi ned its best mo- ugly’ quips an American child as she visits for ments. Having drawn you into a superbly well Tickets of the shows above will be sold at the the fi rst time, a sentiment echoed by its inhabit- discussions on God and crafted human drama, Mike Bartlett’s 13 leaves ARTSOC meeting. ants throughout the play. But the discontent isn’t you debating the questions raised for the entire Date: 23 November 2011 (Wednesday) limited to our four shores – Iran’s the same, and religion, it’s far more journey home. Not perfect, but very good, and Time: 12:30pm – 1:30pm elements in Westminster and Washington quite highly recommended. Venue: G65 SAF Building fancy a war there- apparently afraid of the pros- thought provoking than pect of a nuclear armed Tehran. In the midst of 13 runs at the National Theatre until Janu- a public that is largely ‘unemployed and pissed your average drama” ary 8 2012, tickets from £5 FELIX Friday 18 November 2011 27 ARTS Yerma-d not to see this!

Will Prince Yerma a bad omen according to local superstition. Torn between her irre- I imagine all of us know a ‘Yerma’ pressible maternal desires and the need character – that girl who arrives as to socially conform, Yerma is fi nally an innocent and pure fresher only to driven to clandestine means of impreg- then link up with a guy in the fi rst few nation and, when revelations surface weeks. He ensnares her despite his in- regarding her husband and an amorous ability to satisfy her physical needs and childhood friendship, she driven to un- provide her with children, all the while speakable acts. using her own naivety to convince her she is the source of her own problems, eventually driving her to despair in her “The gradual turning childlessness and visit a crazy voodoo lady who lives under a tree in search of of the screws layers a solution. Hmm. Actually, on refl ec- tion, maybe not. But it’s this transfor- the plot with a mation from darling bud to withered fl ower that forms the spine of Lorca’s polished fi nesse” tragic play Yerma and whilst her char- acter at the end may be pretty far from anyone you know, the character at the It says a great deal of our modern start is very familiar. sensibilities that the two main objec- Brought this week to the Gate Theatre tions to Lorca’s play on its publishing in conjunction with the Hull Truck, a seventy years ago – namely its negative cast of fi ve present a new stripped down portrayal of Catholicism and discussion production of one of Lorca’s most in- of homosexuality – would today cause cendiary plays. Yerma tells of a doting hardly a murmur of discontent. All this Tensions come to a head when she confessed to wiping Top Gear off the Sky+ box young girl’s desperate efforts to have commends the efforts of the produc- children in the face of her uninterested tion to modernize the piece. In reduc- (presumably arranged) husband Juan. ing the piece down, a stark intensity is of Maria. the investment in the Jerwood Young it lacks the tapestry that distinguishes Married off young with little worldly brought to the mundane conversation The beauty of tragedy lies in the Designers project is paying off – creat- more complete works of tragedy. For wisdom and living in the barren Span- that constitutes the most revealing parts descent – the slow and inavoidable ing a set that is both visual appealing this reviewer, that is a tragedy in itself, ish outback, Yerma’s life consists of of the play. Played with a gentle inno- downfall of the tragic hero, whether and economical is no mean feat and as the able cast would be more than up little more than wifely duties and banal cence by Ty Glaser, Yerma’s tragedy is it be Macbeth or Phaedra or Yerma. this production achieves both. Whilst to the task of something a little meatier. conversations with neighbour, Maria. all the more painful and her unworldly This production crafted theirs well, the the play provides intriguing parallels, Even these sour as Maria herself be- nature emphasized opposite Alison gradual turning of the screws layering most markedly with that of Lorca’s ru- Yerma runs at the Gate Theatre, Not- comes a mother and the still childless O’Donnell’s earthy humour in the role the plot with a polished fi nesse. Clearly moured homosexual liaison with Dali, ting Hill, until December 17 Tales of the absurd Saunders’ absurdist play Next Time I’ll Sing To You gets an airing at Richmond’s Orange Tree Theatre

Alex Roocroft around various topics covering questions didn’t really fi t. The delivery of the play of death, identity and their own exis- was very good, with all the actors play- Next time I’ll Sing to You is currently be- tence; mostly with irony and humour. In ing their parts impeccably resulting in a ing staged at the Orange Tree Theatre in particular, whether, as the hermit had not production that captivated the audience Richmond until the 10 December. Writ- been seen for such a long period of time, as it progressed. In particular, I liked the ten by James Saunders in 1962 it has it can be said he really existed at all. performances Jamie Newall put in as the recently been revived by the theatre he Its plot is deeply absurdist, the fl ow of actor playing the Hermit and Holly El- had such a close involvement during his which is not the easiest to follow to begin mes as the ditzy Lizzie. As a venue, the career. It is remembered mostly today with, but it utilises the divergences from Orange Tree Theatre is small and cosy as the play which saw Michael Caine’s the background storyline to articulate the with the audience on all four sides of the West End debut as Meff when it was fi rst major existentialist themes very well. De- stage, a set-up which works well and cre- staged at the Arts Theatre. As a story it, it spite its age, the skilfully crafted dialogue ates an absorbing experience. is based around fi ve characters planning and blend of surreal humour with philo- All in all, it is in parts a challenging, a play about the real life story of a hermit sophical crisis stands up well to time. weird play but one which is ultimately who spent the last 36 years of his life in Only on occasions does it come across as invigorating, enjoyable and good fun. isolation before dying in 1942. As well dated, oddly in the parts where there is as loosely telling the story of Alexander an obvious attempt to update the dialogue Next Time I’ll Sing To You runs at the James Mason, the Great Cranfi eld Her- for the modern audience, such as the ref- Orange Tree Theatre until December mit, it involves the 5 characters bouncing erence to Strictly Come Dancing which 10 Putting superglue on his hand was bad, but the fl y swat was too far 28 In Mali the desert has taken over around 220 miles in the last 20 years – GREEN WEEK 2011 Friday 18 november 2011 FELIX Music Editors: Íñigo Martinez de Rituerto Stephen Smith MUSIC [email protected] Kadhim’s totally hot album of the week Reports from a sick night A$AP Rocky in Metric... no, seriously LiveLoveA$AP Tri Angle Kadhim Shubber reports from KABLAAM 2011 on’t let anyone convince you to put on a music event. It’ll stress you out, distract you from your degree, and worst of all, when it comes off, the feeling of sat- I recently told my friend that I couldn’t understand Disfaction will make you forget all the shit and the hype surrounding A$AP Rocky. In a complete- make you think about doing it all again. ly unrelated incident, I was called “a fucking cod- Last Saturday was KABLAAM, the fi rst Felix piece” on Twitter by Felix Music Night headliner Music Night of the year. The idea of bringing Mikill Pane (we’ve since patched things up). He Felix, Jazz & Rock and Music Tech together didn’t think any of my questions in an email in- to take advantage of Metric’s uber-expensive terview were any good. In particular, one question sound system was concocted by Imperial grad- about why he didn’t rap about “guns and bitches” uate Greg Power, last year. When he left, he received this put down: “I’ll pretend you didn’t ask looked in me in the eye and said, “Kadhim, you that…” must now carry the fl ame. Bring music to the I learnt the hard way that rappers who pride people.” (Ok, he may not have used those ex- themselves on the intelligence of their lyrical con- act words, but you get the jist). What he didn’t tent get pretty exasperated at constantly being say, however, is, “Kadhim, you’ll be so worried asked why they don’t rap about “guns and bitch- about the night being a total fl op that your balls es”. By contrast, rappers like A$AP Rocky are rid- are going to crawl back up inside you and start ing on the fact the fl ow and twists of their raps punching you in the gut”. Read this article on felixonline.co.uk to see a video of the night by Jeremiah Vocaturo sound fucking swag, rather than anyone thinking Which brings us to around 7:30 on Saturday they’re saying anything profound. night. lo. batt. / algo ritmico is still sound This is what I didn’t understand. The fi rst checking even though SMB was meant to have few times I listened to A$AP Rocky’s mixtape started DJing 30 minutes ago (algo ritmico is not quite into success territory yet. for the whole of his 45 minute set, he’s got the LiveLoveA$AP (partly produced by Clams Casino) dragging on so much I’m beginning to suspect Operation Midnight Climax up next. I clam- crowd dancing and bouncing. I ask the chaps at I was constantly put off by the obnoxious predict- that he’s just playing his set. Oh god, he is…) ber on stage again and, in addition to my boxing the door to count the takings and see how many ability of his lyrical content, which can be sum- I’m already three beers and one straight spiced announcer-style, “OPERATION MIDNIGHT people have turned up; it’s around 200. marized thus: “I’m high, I’ve got a big dick, I’m rum down and only about 30 people have CLIMAAAAAAAX”, I also crack a few jokes; The rest of the night was a bit of a blur. hitting on bitches, nigga yeah I’m the shit”. But, shown up; I’m going to need another beer. I think I heard a bit of laughter, but it may just be Monsk and Niceberg DJed out the night until and this is a pretty big ‘but’, if you stuck those I head to the door to check ticket sales: 35 the beer. They turn up the rock a few notches and 1am, but I was a bit far gone and forgot to in- frankly awful lyrics that I just wrote together with people… I walk back into Metric. It’s almost blow a few minds with their cover of t.A.T.u. troduce them (sorry guys!) Looking back at the A$AP’s cheeky intonations and Clams Casino’s 8pm and SMB has fi nally got started. He’s ‘All the Things She Said’. It’s getting towards photos, I realised that Mikill Pane had posed bass-heavy, weed-ready production you might just playing chilled out, groovy house music. He’s ten and the headliner Mikill Pane should be for photos with a big crowd of people; respect fi nd yourself saying, “This shit is fucking real”. (Ok, obscenely good but people are avoiding the arriving soon. Metric is rapidly fi lling up and for that. As everyone fi ltered out at 1am, and maybe not quite, but you get my point). dance fl oor like Greeks avoid taxes. This is go- though the guys at the door have lost count, they we sorted out the money and concluded that it Ignore what he’s saying and just hear how it ing to change: I drag a friend onto the dance- reckon there are another 30/40 people now. had been a success, lo. batt. /algo ritmico (a.k.a sounds and you’ll understand why some people fl oor and start chatting to her, casually dancing. When Mikill Pane arrives at the union I go Íñigo the Felix Music Editor) comes up to me are saying that A$AP Rocky is what hip-hop will Set an example, I tell myself, everyone else into full-blown happy butler mode. “Hi there, and says, “Cool, shall we start organizing the sound like in 2012. will follow… This isn’t working, I walk back how you doing? Yep come this way, certainly, next one?” out of Metric, I’m just walking around for the ok, cool. Yep a couple of drinks, ok, one second If you agree that my mini-rap was god-awful, tweet sake of it at this point; I’m going to need an- … *sprint to the bar *sprint back with drinks I just want to say thanks to all the acts who per- me @kadhimshubber and call me a “fucking cod- other beer. … here you go.” He’s at least 6ft 4 and towers formed and to Will, Chrissy, Íñigo, Greg, Luke, piece”. If, on the other hand, you think it was pretty 8:20pm. lo. batt. / algo ritmico is back on over me, and he’s got an entourage – I wish I and Deepka for their help organising the night. good, tweet @_ASAProcky and tell him to check out stage for his set. There’s a bit of a crowd now, had an entourage – including a Pete Doherty “this sweet underground rapper from London”. ok, cool. Is that his mum fi lming? … His music lookalike with little brown hat with a huge is dreamy and spaced out in a completely sur- wide brim. Do you have a band? Do you DJ? real way. Kind of like listening to alien beeps Operation Midnight Climax fi nish their set. Be sure not to miss... coming from outer space. He’s got a laptop, a The equipment is cleared away and for about If you want to play at the next Felix guitar, a delay pedal and... an ironing board? 40 minutes the plug for the mixer screws with Music Night in the Spring term, let Oneohtrix Pointer Never I’m going to need another beer. the sound and I’m running back and forth us know! We want to give our own About half an hour later, Black Sands are on apologizing for the delay; several more beers student bands and DJs exposure and St Giles Church stage; we’re back on schedule. I relax a little follow. experience on home turf, and most Thursday 24, November bit; well, either I’m relaxing or I’m too drunk But fi nally, I get on stage to announce Mikill importantly keep the scene alive and Never has the analogue synthesizer produced such to care any more. Oh shit, I have to go intro- Pane. I can see people streaming through the thriving. soul-rippling and heart-wrenching sounds. OPN’s duce them. I’ve got no idea what to say and end door as I speak and Metric’s looking pretty deeply personal voice can be uniquely attributed up doing a boxing announcer-style, “BLACK. packed now. I retreat to the bar and when Send us a demo, a link to your to Lopatin’s baby, a Roland Juno 60 synth inherited SAAAAAAANDS!” People cheer, ok that Mikill Pane gets on the mic, everyone cheers Bandcamp, SoundCloud or whatever from his father, with which he channels emotions didn’t go too badly. There’s a decent number and my balls fi nally stop punching me in the works. from far beyond the uncanny valley. His new record of people dancing along to them. They play gut. His DJ is mashing together classic hip- Replica sees him experimenting with samplers, af- pretty straightforward indie music but they do hop dancefl oor tunes to get everyone warmed We’re open to anything. Whether ter his “echo jam” experiments of slowed down and it bloody well. up; everyone’s getting down so it seems to be you’re into hypnagogic pop, brutal looped 80’s pop ballads. The sound of R2D2’s teen- I ask the lovely chaps on the door what our working. Mikill Pane knows how to work the death metal or sly techno, email your age heartbreaks. Íñigo Martínez De Rituerto ticket sales are like. We’re edging slowly to- crowd. He’s got everyone chanting “FUCK!” interest to [email protected] wards 100. We’re out of disaster territory but in time with the music every few rhymes and FELIX Friday 18 november 2011 29 MUSIC

Punk Planet by Now, not then, JCQ Douglas Heaven George Jeffery on golfi ng pros, bitches and hoes This week: High Dependency Unit

his week I’m going back straight back to the UK post-punk/hard- core scene by way of a review of the debut full-length album of The James Cleaver Quintet (JCQ), TThat Was Then, This Is Now. Nearly two years ago the JCQ released their fi rst and only EP Ten Stages of a Make Up to massive critical ac- claim. Fans have been eagerly awaiting another release and on Halloween this year, they were given what they wanted. If you read my review of &U&I’s album Light Bearer two weeks ago then you will know that I like my music one way and one way only: men- You can’t go much further than Dunedin, New tal. That Was Then, This Is Now fi ts perfectly Zealand, before you’re on the way back again. into this category. The album opens with a track Nearly 20,000 kilometres away, give or take, it’s titled ‘Golfi ng Pros, Bitches and Hoes’. This probably the remotest city in the world. track starts off with an eerie tune, reminiscent of Wherever you go, though, it’s usually only the something you would hear at a fairground, but little things that change. A good friend who moved after only 15 seconds, shit gets real. to New Zealand was struck most by the habits of That awkward moment when someone takes the last piece of cake... or the cake. Their sound is completely unique, if I could barefoot supermarket shopping and thanking bus describe it in any way it would be a divine drivers. But as you stand there refl ecting on how combination of garage post-punk and hardcore. everything’s more or less the same on the other Punkcore? Garage post-hunk? No, that’s too a distinctive style, with an almost pop-punk show there is always some blood coming from side of the world, you suddenly notice they have a weird. Sounds like a lost member of the Village sound in the less wild sections of the songs. somewhere (usually the bassist’s face). This different sky. People. But listen to the album and you’ll know The tracks themselves are diverse, some of defi nitely comes across on the album and from So it is with the Dunedin band High Dependency what I mean. them being heavily post-punk without much of start to fi nish you feel like you’re in the pres- Unit (HDU), whose claims to fame include tour- The songs are fast-paced, with massive riffs a hardcore element, and some of them being ence of this amazing band. ing with Shellac and exciting John Peel enough to and breakdowns. In terms of the singing in- utter skull-crushing noise (in a good way). A Ten Stages of a Make-Up was an incredible call them “one of the 10 best bands in the world volved, there is certainly an element of signa- couple of the tracks also have a defi nite blues EP and I wasn’t sure if they would be able to top you’ve never heard of”. ture hardcore roaring but a lot of the vocals are feel with one of them, titled ‘The JCWho?’ it but they have had a bloody good go. They cur- Starting off on the Christchurch-based indepen- melodic and extremely catchy. Every song has being a full on jazz number until a hardcore rently have a free download (available on their dent label Flying Nun Records with Abstinence: Ac- a chorus that I can guarantee will be stuck in breakdown mid-song. Facebook page) of an awesome track from the rimony (1995), HDU have released 6 or 7 records your head at some point, which is uncommon If you have been to one of their shows, you album if you’re interested. If you’re reading this (depending how you count) and a bunch of EPs of for a post-punk/hardcore album and defi nitely will know of their unmistakably punk attitude, in a lecture then I have only one thing to say to dirty psychedelic punk. This isn’t punk played with a breath of fresh air. Vocalist Jack Saunders has indicated by the fact that by the end of each you: f**k lectures, go and listen to this album! pace: HDU take their time, the songs building up to what for most bands would be a starting point. The vocals are the slow slur of a drunk proclaim- ing happily to a world hurrying by. Their sound has become even more drawn out, more ambient as they’ve aged. You could argue that the ethereal soundscapes Apocalypse at the Union of their latest release, Metamathics (2008) – which drummer Dino Karlis pointed out was “the fi rst album where we’ve used hand-claps, the fi rst Íñigo Martinez de Rituerto prophesies the End Times with Music Tech where we’ve used saxophone and the fi rst where we’ve used piano” – aren’t punk at all, but I’m not going to. HDU just do things at a distance. Familiar ollowing the interlude at the Felix Mu- in dance music is long overdue. enough to be uncanny; same bedrock, different sic Night last weekend, Music Tech The night kicks off in left fi eld with a psy- sky. FSociety return to Metric next Saturday chotropic blend of experimental hip hop The local New Zealand scene even has a name 26 November with their fi rst We Are Metric courtesy of Not Indigo, followed by SMB’s – the “Dunedin sound” - which is helpfully char- night of the year. Given the Union’s new deep vibes. A variety of society members acterised by one well-known Internet source as policy on clubs & societies requiring a spe- will hone their skills behind the turntables, “jingly jangly”. Indeed, Flying Nun Records was cial theme in order to host a night, what with the intent of making you dance like it’s also a home to the Californian band Pavement better way to welcome 2012 than naming the end of the world. Livers and ears alike who made up for not being local by being the jingli- it after one of the most widely misinterpret- will teeter the abyss as the clock approach- est jangliest band of the lot. If you wanted a more ed biblical events of all time A.D.? Perhaps es the eleventh hour and the thunderous upbeat variety of Dunedin punk, check out the painting a van with slogans prophesying duo of Snatch DJs (recently spotted at the similarly psychedelic but far more bouncy Die Die the End Times? (With stupid subwoofers in Summer Ball after party) take the fl oor, fol- Die! who share a split 7” with HDU. the boot perhaps?) lowed by the chunky swagger of Milkshake- The Greek word apokálypsis literally resident Nick Thorne.Ministry of Sound All of HDU’s releases can be streamed by turning means “lifting of the veil” or “revelation”, veterans DJ Andy & Martin2Smoove crack on the tap at highdependencyunit.bandcamp. referring to the disclosure of something the void at midnight and fl ip the switch. com – but don’t rush things. Let it drip drip drip. If previously hidden in an age of deception. Entry is a shabby £3 in advance or £4 on you need a chaser you can stream one song from With the kind of music blaring through the the door, discounted for members of Music Die Die Die!’s latest We Built Our Own Oppressors radio and pummeling dancefl oors at stu- Tech or anybody dressed like it’s the end of (2010) at diediedie.bandcamp.com. dent nights nationwide, such a revelation the world. That should be interesting. Oh no! 30 In Peru a single bush may contain more ant species than in the British Isles – GREEN WEEK 2011 Friday 18 november 2011 FELIX Music Editors: Iñigo Martinez de Rituerto Stephen Smith MUSIC [email protected] KABLAAM Felix Music night Photos by Gordan Kam

Unfortunately the audience members forgot to bring their caps...

Black Sands is three guitarists, a drummer, and one headless mannequin The smile says, “Don’t worry, he won’t hurt anyone. I promise”. FELIX Friday 18 november 2011 31 MUSIC

Holy fucking awesome – the light board behind Mikill Pane plays Pacman...

Photo by Paz de Troya

SMB doing his best, “I am Tiesto” face

After three years at uni, algo ritmico fi nally puts his ironing board to use...

Someone’s putting on their, “screaming little girl”, hat... Incidentally, this hat is popular with [Don’t you dare – Ed] Kids these days are fi nding new and easy ways to become single parents 32 Every week 42,000 people die from unsafe drinking water and unhygienic living conditions – GREEN WEEK 2011 Friday 18 november 2011 FELIX Television Editors: Matt Allinson George Barnett James Simpson TELEVISION [email protected] This week on Twitter Time to deal, innit bruv Some top tweets from Felix TV’s followers and followees

@Lowenaffchen @FelixTelevision you are a piece of shit

@RadioTimes Good canapes! If one were, for instance, to be a non-meat eater, one would be extremely impressed by the vegetarian quail Scotch eggs. We’re posing on the top fl oor of a multi-storey car park. No. We don’t know why either @bbcpress Marie-Laure Hicks yourself. This depiction is a little too dramatized especially in desperate situations. But I guess Victoria Wood, Christopher and oversold when crime has been reduced mas- that’s mainly for dramatic effect. The show , Welcome to Summerhouse, fam. Here, food sively in Hackney. The police (the mighty feds) however, does give some insight to outsiders, Eccleston & @stephenfry star (the kind you smoke) is sold on the streets by are mentioned but are mostly absent and no one with the kids working on the streets and broken 10-year olds, snakes (traitors) get stabbed and gets arrested, slightly unbelievable when a large families. in The Borrowers on #BBC1 adults run farms (not the kind that grow fruit part of the storyline consists of rude boys deal- Top Boy, luckily, isn’t all seriousness. By the and veg). In the shadow of the mighty Canary end of the four episodes, you will be fl uent in this Xmas Wharf, this Hackney estate is the centre of Du- gang slang and understand the ins and outs of shane and Sully’s drug dealing business. And “a large part of the running a drug dealing business. Don’t get too they are expanding. Ra’Nell is a local 13-year inspired. Amidst the tragedy, comedy is always @FelixTelevision old who has to live alone and fend for himself storyline consists of rude around the corner, for example watching 13-year whilst his mother is in a mental hospital. With olds trying out their fl irting skills. The characters A review copy of Michael his friend Gem, they get sucked into the gangs boys dealing or killing are either endearing or on the brink of psycho- and violence of the streets. pathic madness. The camera work is brilliant, Portillo’s Great British Railway Written by Ronan Bennet, Top Boy can basi- people” showing stunning views of London and main- cally be described as The Wire meets Weeds taining an intimate vibe throughout. In addition, Journeys (Series 2) is on its meets Skins. This Channel 4 drama attempts the music is simply incredible. There is no other to give an accurate portrayal of life on the East ing or killing people. You would also expect the way of describing it. The show is worth watch- way! Oh the excitement! London estates. It touches on themes such as characters to show some common sense which ing if only to listen to the soundtrack. So go for single parenthood, gangs, drugs and violence, clearly isn’t always the case. Some of them seem a trip into the dark dealings of East London and temptation and the desire to make something of to forget the existence of their mobile phones, watch Top Boy, it comes highly recommended. @ProfBrianCox That’s the fi rst time I’ve seen @jonculshaw do me. Bloody Feeling under the weather? This’ll make you right as rain good! George Barnett – Wales and Cornwall – would be subject to rain whilst there existed a high chance that the North Watching this week’s BBC Weather, the viewer is of the country would be enveloped by gloomi- Jeremy of the week immediately gifted with the presence of the pride ness. of the meteorological arena: Alex Deakin. A phys- Accuracy, succinctness and presentation are ics graduate (thanked, apparently, in S. F. Hels- what the discerning viewer looks for in a weather don and T. J. Ponman’s paper “The intragroup forecast. Which would have been the exact ex- medium in loose groups of galaxies”) turned Met perience befallen upon you had you viewed this Offi ce employee turned BBC hyperstar-idol-to- specifi c episode. Alex Deakin delivered on all the-masses-weatherman. We’re even treated to grounds – hand gestures correlated to adjectives the mandatory abomination of a fl oral tie. with great fl uidity whilst diction was well chosen This particular episode was Tuesday evening’s and laconic. The greatest question, however, is national edition (the 10:32 PM broadcast if we’re should one watch the BBC weather broadcast? It getting the facts in). It, as one would hope, de- depends. Can you be bothered to look out of the tailed the expected weather for the succeeding window? day: a cloudy night followed by a dreary grey (Pick of the week’s TV? No? Whatever – Ed) start with the possibility of it brightening up in the In case you haven’t noticed we need writ- South East. Other parts or the United Kingdom ers. Desperately. Email [email protected] Yes, I do look insufferably smug here Bonkers

25 November 2011 20:00 - 02:00 Only £3.00

Drinks Offer from 8pm in Metric House spirit & mixer – £2.20 Vodka Redbull – £3.00 Jägerbomb – £3.30 imperialcollegeunion.org/metric 34 Worldwide more people have access to mobile phones than a toilet – GREEN WEEK 2011 Friday 18 november 2011 FELIX Film Editors: J o h n P a r k Lucy Wiles FILM fi [email protected] In brief Time is money in the new sci-fi In Time The new 007 is a go In Time Director Andrew Niccol Screenwriter Andrew Niccol Cast Justin Timberlake, Amanda Seyfried Tim Davies

The premise: humans are engineered to die at 25, beyond this age you can only live if you have “time” on your clock. How do you accrue more time? If you are one of throng of the pro- letariat, by working for it, if you happen to be one of the rich, by doing evil capitalist stuff like exploiting the poor, owning banks etc. In this dystopian world you pay for everything with time, from buying a coffee to paying for your Gimme Gimme Gimme some time (feat. Justin Timberlake) bus fare. Poor people struggling to accrue time face increases in the cost of living which drains their clock and potentially brings about their fact that the unfettered dominance of corpora- points it makes with the subtlety of a sledge- early death. To separate the haves and the have- tions in its society has a largely negative impact hammer and as a result, leaves the characters nots, ghettos have sprung up. These are crime on the majority its population, or at least if they feeling distinctly one dimensional. Add to that ridden slums where people steal time from each were already aware they are no longer willing the fact that the later scenes descend into a se- MGM’s fi nancial woes, be gone! After months of other. In these districts people will “murder you to put up with it. ries of action movie clichés and you are ulti- speculation on whether England’s iconic, bed- for a week .” Contrasting this is New Green- The messages that the fi lm tries to get across mately left with the feeling that a potentially hopping, ass-kicking agent will return or not after wich, a bastion for the rich where people are are admirable, but where the fi lm falls down is decent premise has been squandered. Justin its production company decided to declare bank- rendered practically immortal by the thousands that the cast come across largely as caricatures. Timberlake does an admirable job in the lead ruptcy, Daniel Craig’s third outing as James Bond of years they possess. The rich spout ideas about social Darwinism but the the supporting cast are merely service- was fi nally given the green-light last week, along So In Time is a not-so thinly veiled metaphor and the necessity of a downtrodden underclass able due mainly to the fl at characters they are with its title, a couple of Bond girls for Craig to for the inevitable inequality which arises as a whilst carelessly gambling away thousands of asked to portray. no doubt shag, and an offi cial confi rmation on the result of unrestrained capitalism. It is a prudent years of life. The “timekeepers” (In Time pun- Niccol writes and directs a fi lm very similar rest of its cast to put all sorts of internet rumours metaphor then, at a time of economic stagna- speak for policemen) wax lyrical about the ne- to his previous work Gattaca, but one which to rest. tion and fi nancial uncertainty. A time when, if cessity of maintaining the status quo and how doesn’t reach the same heights due to a lack of The title – Skyfall: an improvement from its pre- the Occupy Wall Street movement is anything too much time in the hands of the poor would well rounded characters and clunking lack of decessor Quantum of Solace for sure, but perhaps to go by, America seems to be waking up to the “crash the system.” The fi lm rams home the subtlety in deliverance of its core messages. not quite as slick and stylish as Casino Royale. Craig wasn’t allowed to expand too much on what the title is referring to, but producer Barbara Broc- coli briefl y stated that it may have “some emotion- al context which will be revealed in the fi lm.” Just what emotion the word Skyfall may be referring to Brett Ratner resigns as Oscar Producer is not clear at this point, but it appears we need to wait a whole another year to fi nd out what is going on, with the fi lm’s release date set for Friday 26 Lucy Wiles Gabourey Sidibe, to which Ratner’s response fi lmmaker who over the past 25 years has October 2012 including a London premiere that was: “Rehearsal? What’s that? Rehearsals for produced a diverse and extraordinary body of will no doubt take over the redecorated Leicester The American producer/director Brett Rat- fags.” This comment caused outrage, despite work,” said Sherak. “He will certainly bring Square. ner, known for such fi lms as Rush Hour, Red the Academy of Motion Pictures, Arts and his tremendous talent, creativity and relation- More often than not, especially among certain Dragon and newly-released Tower Heist, has Sciences (who run the Oscars) making an of- ships to the Oscars.” individuals down here in the Felix offi ce, the cast- stepped down from his prominent position as fi cial apology condemning Ratner. In light of Ratner’s resignation, his friend ing of Bond girls generates more interest than any- producer of the 2012 Oscars. The fi lmmaker then made the decision to Eddie Murphy has also quit his role as the thing else, and so the news of Naomie Harris and His resignation follows a string of inappro- give a telephone interview on the Stern radio presenter of the 2012 Oscars show. The come- French actress Bérénice Marlohe (pictured above) priate comments in a number of recent media show, which was supposed to be to apologise dian/actor was hired by Ratner to rejuvenate landing the two crucial roles is a welcome one. appearances, most notably for using an of- for previously implying a sexual relationship the show after its lacklustre ceremony last This will be Marlohe’s Hollywood debut, in which fensive term in an interview while promoting between himself and Iron Man 2 actress Ol- year; Murphy’s appointment was an attempt she will play a “glamorous and enigmatic” char- his new fi lm Tower Heist, and a very strange ivia Munn. Instead of the expected apology, to return to the programme’s original winning acter, whereas Harris, who was once rumoured telephone interview on Howard Stern’s radio however, Ratner chose instead to regale the formula of having a comedian presenting. Af- to be playing Miss Moneypenny, landed the role show, during which he gave explicit details of listeners with tales of his past sexual con- ter his resignation, Murphy said: “I was truly of a “fi eld agent.” In addition, Judi Dench will be his sex life. quests, his oral sex skills, the size of his balls, looking forward to being a part of the show reprising her role as M for the seventh time in a In a letter of resignation, 42-year-old Ratner his masturbation techniques, his disdain for that our production team and writers were just row, with Javier Bardem, who once ferociously por- said that he had “gotten a well-deserved ear- condoms…and much more. Needless to say, starting to develop, but I’m sure that the new trayed an unforgettable villain in the Coen broth- ful from many of the people I admire most this did not go down too well on national production team and host will do an equally ers’ No Country for Old Men, will play the fi lm’s in this industry expressing their outrage and radio, despite the fact that Ratner was being great job.” main antagonist. Prominent Brit names are also disappointment over the hurtful and stupid encouraged to spill the beans by the show’s Despite an online campaign for the Mup- appearing in yet-unspecifi ed roles, with Ralph things I said in a number of recent media ap- host. pets to take over from Murphy gaining popu- Fiennes, Albert Finney, Helen McCrory and Ben pearances. To them, and to everyone I’ve hurt Following the resignation last week, the larity last week, the Academy has announced Whishaw also on board. and offended, I’d like to apologise publicly president of the Academy, Tom Sherak, was that Billy Crystal will be fi lling the role. The Filming has already begun, with the Academy and unreservedly.” quoted as saying that Ratner had “done the 63-year-old actor has previously hosted the Award winning Sam Mendes directing. The offi cial Ratner’s fi rst blunder was made during a right thing for the Academy, and for himself.” Oscars nine times, most recently in 2004. James Bond twitter reads “8.45am, 07/11/11: promotional interview for his Tower Heist He added: “Brett is a good person, but his “Some of the best moments of my career have ‘Action!’ was called for the fi rst time on the 23rd two weeks ago. A member of the studio audi- comments were unacceptable.” happened on the Oscar stage,” he said. James Bond movie, Skyfall. We are offi cially go!” It ence asked whether he had found it hard han- Ratner has now been replaced by Brian The 84th Academy Awards ceremony is due is certainly nice to have you back Bond. dling rehearsals for a group of such actors as Grazer, the Oscar-winning producer of A to take place at the Kodak Theatre in Los An- Eddie Murphy, Ben Stiller, Casey Affl eck and Beautiful Mind. “Brian Grazer is a renowned geles on Sunday 26 February 2012. FELIX Friday 18 NOVEMBER 2011 35 FILM

To believe or not to believe? Top 10 Box Anonymous and turns are presented, with dirty se- Offi ce fi lms crets that have been buried for years Director Roland Emmerich starting to surface. The subplots hardly Screenwriters Jon Orloff in the UK this Cast Rhys Ifans, Vanessa Redgrave, ever have happy endings, and the brutal Joely Richardson, Rafe Spall, fi ght for power is a good fun romp, with week Sebastian Armesto numerous seedy characters pitching in for unpredictable developments. The John Park harsh palace life with unstable dynamic is boosted by the dark scenery made Was Shakespeare a fraud? The gener- even more sinister by plenty of shad- ally accepted answer is “no” but the ows coming from hundreds of candles. Oh my god...you’ve been tangoed! debate will go on, new evidence will be Ifans is effortlessly convincing in the found, and the sceptics will always fi nd role of a literary genius, and no mat- holes in the already laid-out, widely ter how hard it may be to believe that known historical events. It’s an inter- with her humongous dresses and fright- Jonson (Sebastian Armesto), a virtually he can whip out a stirring play in a esting notion though, something that ening make-up. unknown playwright, to stage his plays matter of days, the struggles of an op- shouldn’t possibly be immediately A fi rm prologue, delivered with con- for him. For years, de Vere has spent pressed genius, trapped in a society of 1) Immortals - 15 - Henry dismissed. If there is compelling rea- viction by Derek Jacobi, sets the tone – hours putting ink to paper, producing strict boundaries is shown well in his Cavill, Freida Pinto, Mick- son to actually doubt the authorship that William Shakespeare never wrote works such as Macbeth, Hamlet, and character’s genuine passion for the- ey Rourke, Luke Evans of William Shakespeare, the man who a single word of “his” work. How is Julius Caesar. By complete accident atre. The mother-daughter casting for has been the icon of English literature this possible? First, there’s Edward however, the good-for-nothing drunk Queen Elizabeth works brilliantly here, for centuries, then bring it on, which de Vere, Earl of Oxford (Rhys Ifans), actor Will Shakespeare (Rafe Spall) as hints of Richardson in Elizabeth’s 2) Arthur Christmas - is what the brave Emmerich sets out to whose brilliance with his words and ends up taking the writer’s credit. He’s youth can be seen later in Redgrave, U - James McAvoy, Jim do. prose came to life even at a young illiterate too, but the crowd doesn’t both of whom are magnetic their piv- Broadbent, Bill Nighy Yes, the man who loves destroy- age. Playing Puck from A Midsummer know that. They embrace him, and are otal roles; they hold so much power. ing our beloved planet (Independence Night’s Dream at the age of ten, he moved by his words. This makes her the perfect target for Day, The Day After Tomorrow) is the even enchanted the then-young Eliza- Success and money corrupt Shake- snarky “advisors” to poison with their 3) The Adventures of man directing a thought-provoking, beth I (Vanessa Redgrave’s daughter speare and his obnoxious behaviour venomous lies, adding another layer of Tintin: The Secret of the “what-if” period piece. A change in Joely Richardson). But writing plays starts to get on Jonson’s nerves. Spall treacherous palace drama to the already Unicorn - PG - Jamie Bell, genre for sure, but Emmerich’s Anon- is no job for an Earl, especially when is fantastic as the slimy yet hilariously packed narrative. Andy Serkis, Daniel Craig ymous is just as intense as when he his father-in-law, William Cecil (David stupid Shakespeare, a horrifying por- Whether you believe in this alter- spends millions of dollars sucking ev- Thewlis), a close advisor to the Queen, trayal for anyone who respects the man, nate theory is obviously up to you. But ery last breath out of the human race. vehemently protests anything involv- but this unique depiction is a welcome Anonymous is a confi dent spin on what 4) In Time - 12A - Justin Set in Elizabethan England, London is ing art or theatre. He claims that theatre change, and Spall is an invaluable pres- was thought to be a well-known tale. Timberlake, Amanda Sey- transformed into a grim, damp place of is the satanic product of worshipping ence. Our sympathy goes out to Jonson It would serve well as a period thriller fried greed, betrayal, jealousy, and a whole false idols. more than to anyone else, and Armesto even for those who are fans of Shake- load of back-stabbing. This moral cor- One day however, he stumbles on plays the frustrations of a wronged man speare and his works. Emmerich shows ruption extends to people of all social something extraordinary. A crowd of with enough intensity and anger. plenty of promise in directing fi lms 5) Tower Heist - 12A - classes, from the grey streets of the two thousand being moved and united Flashbacks that are comprehensibly outside his usual disaster-fi lm genre, Ben Stiller, Eddie Murphy, English capital, to the colourful royal through one play alone. With his own edited in reveal more than expected, and he has managed to create one of Casey Affl eck courts where the ageing Elizabeth I plays, he predicts that he could bring diving into the intimate sides of de the most exciting guilty pleasures of (Vanessa Redgrave) rules her country the house down. He approaches Ben Vere and Elizabeth. Disturbing twists this year. 6) The Rum Diary - 15 - Johnny Depp, Giovanni Let’s talk about mummy’s little monster Ribisi, Aaron Eckhart 7) Johnny English Re- born - PG - Rowan Atkin- We Need to Talk About Every scene contains a strong under- moment at which they clearly become son, Dominic West, Gil- current of violence, from Kevin’s trau- responsible for Kevin’s evil. He appears lian Anderson Kevin matic birth through to the mass-murder to have made it his mission to destroy which is the culmination of his life. his mother’s life before he is even born Director Lynne Ramsay Screenwriters Lynne Ramsay, Rory There is extensive use of bright colour – at least from her perspective. Their 8) The Help - 12A - Viola Kinnear, Lionel Shriver (novel) – most obviously red, which symbolises behaviour towards one another is self- Cast Tilda Swinton, Ezra Miller, John fi rst the threat and later the paralysing perpetuating and fascinating to watch. Davis, Octavia Spencer, C. Reilly guilt of Kevin’s traumatised mother. Eva certainly considers it to be her Emma Stone The camera focuses on awkward and fault, whilst being manipulated by her Henry Turner-Chambers anxious movements of hands, feet and son into apathy as he mutilates his little mouths. A shot involving the consump- sister. 9) Paranormal Activ- I can’t say that I walked into We Need tion of a lychee is particularly vile. Tilda Swinton’s portrayal of Eva is Where the hell’s the tomato soup?! ity 3 - 15 - Chloe Csen- to Talk About Kevin expecting a trippy, The fi lm opts out somewhat from the masterful. By the (chronologically) gery, Jessica Tyler Brown, synaesthetic nightmare. But that’s what discussion of nature/nurture that was later scenes her life has been destroyed has left. Since his infancy, each has Christopher Nicholas I got, and it was very good with it too. so prevalent in the book, exchanging so utterly that the viewer is left unable been the only one to truly understand Smith The fi lm is intensely visual – sparse on realist interactions with an oppressive to empathise with the strange shell that the other. Their love, written in hatred dialogue and fi lled with kaleidoscopic and immediate sense of doom. In this has been left. After losing her family as it is, is the only survivor of Kevin’s and non-chronological sequences, par- it has much more in common with para- and business (exactly how she loses massacre. As individuals, neither made 10) The Ides of March ticularly in the fi rst half. The linearity noid horror fi lms like Rosemary’s Baby her money is not really explained – one it out alive. - 15 - George Clooney, of the closing scenes is less impressive than the kitchen-sink mundane school of the fi lm’s few narrative slips) and Incidentally, who should sit next to Ryan Gosling, Marisa To- in many ways, in spite of Ezra Miller’s of nastiness. While Kevin’s mother gaining the almost universal hatred of me in the cinema but Simon Amstell! In mei, Evan Rachel Wood hypnotically ugly and malevolent pres- Eva and father Franklin are not the best the townspeople she is left completely retrospect I probably should have asked ence as the teenage Kevin. parents, it is impossible to establish a alienated and alone. Kevin is all she him what he thought. 36 Friday 18 november 2011 FELIX Did you know nuclear power produces no CO2 and is half as expensive and 99% less polluting than coal-burning power? – GREEN WEEK 2011 Games Editor: Laurence Pope

GAMES [email protected] Brained by a purple dildo Jonathan Wang talks about Volition Inc.’s latest offering Saints Row: The Third’s attempts to not just eclipse the GTA franchise, but to beat it into the dust. With a dildo bat

o someone who has never heard of ans on your hover bike is commended. Saints Row before, there's only one The setting this time is Steelport, a fi ctional city comparison you can make, so I’ll get based on Chicago and Detroit, where the Saints are it out of the way: it’s like Grand Theft top of the food chain: they even having their own Auto. The behemoth that is Rockstar mascots and a line of energy drinks. This fame al- TStudios’ third-person, driving-shooting free-roam lows the player to get away with all sorts of hijinks. franchise single-handedly created a new genre and In fact, this unconventional initial scenario is an also infl uenced a whole slew of games over the last excuse for making a lot of items and, by implica- decade. However, whilst rival studios were taking tion, fun, accessible before completing missions. note and adopting some of the successful elements We also meet our primary antagonists, The Syn- of GTA, whether it’s the driving or the shooting or dicate, a multinational conglomerate of gangs, the open city, Volition was taking notes. Like sci- when the Saints inadvertently raid a Syndicate entists citing and Kanye sampling, Volition knew bank in mission one. Cue the fi rst insane set piece. that the better the original source, the more you You're throw out of the back of the plane, and, should put in. whilst falling, fi ghting off skydiving gangsters and Of course, Volition didn’t just copy the ingredi- dodging debris and the plane, you also rescue your ents – they also improved the recipe. Saints Row: girlfriend. If that doesn't make you want to play the The Third is like GTA IV. On acid. This genre re- game I don't know what will. quires two important things done right: combat and The GPS system, which directs you along the vehicles. Saints Row doesn’t just do them right, it shortest route on your mini map, makes a suc- does them fun. cessful return, as does the ability to restart failed To start, you’re given the standard controls: left missions immediately after failing. The Notoriety and right shoulder buttons for punches, one but- system is also much more forgiving than GTA's ton pulls out your gun menu, and an every but- Wanted system, exchanging realism for the free- ton which ranges from grabbing people to use as dom to do what you want. human shields, to commandeering cars by diving through their windows. There is already a lot of havoc that can be “Saints Row: The Third wrecked on foot. Running up to people and press- ing punch pulls off a variety of wince-worthy vio- exchanges realism for the lence. The standard bare-fi sted attack is a punch or a kick to the groin. It gets worse (or should that be freedom to do what you better?) from there. Giant fi sts that make punched The insane amount of character customisation is the next priority. The former can be spent on up- people explode into a fi ne red mist, farts in a jar also on show. Enter a plastic surgery parlour and grading your skills, the latter on purchasing prop- want” used as gas grenades, and most infamously of all, its possible to change every part of your body and erty, weapons and character modifi ers. Both can be the Penetrator: a giant, purple, rubber phallus stuck clothing, with the character models good enough to earned through completing various Activities and over a baseball bat that swings about limply, are all make this exercise worthwhile. In addition, choos- Diversions, which number one fewer than Heinz Nevertheless, it’s not all good news. There are available to be picked up. Other ridiculous methods ing to wear outlandish costumes can earn you Re- has varieties, guaranteeing that the chances of get- some minor criticisms of the game, one of which is of bringing death to your enemies include calling spect, the game’s XP equivalent. ting bored is slim. Respect can also be earned by the dialogue. Voice acting can be occasionally fl at in airstrikes and launching them from manapults. After having fun, earning Respect and money is doing what you like; yes, running down pedestri- and the humour can at times come across as im- There’s even a rocket launcher that makes enemies mature or a little forced. The enemies are also not dance like Michael Jackson before they spontane- particularly smart, forgoing cover and embracing ously combust. rush tactics. These are the only foibles I've come across in the short time I've been playing, but they don’t detract from my recommendation. “Farts in a jar used as gas Multiplayer modes from earlier games have also been dropped in favour of a more polished single grenades” player, but the co-op mode remains: a friend can drop into any point in your story to help you out. I don't know many many times I've reiterated Naturally, the designs are just as ludicrous when this, but SR:TT is FUN. The sandbox setting it comes to vehicles. Fighter jets with heat seeking means you choose how, where, and when you have missiles are casually parked in allotments and, at fun, and who with. In a game world where even the some point, you can drive a moon buggy through skyline can be altered, the choices and possibilities the streets. However, my favourite has to be the seem endless. Specter: fl ashy, high-speed hover bikes with ma- Saints Row: The Third sets itself apart by al- chine guns that can barrel roll, a Godsend in such lowing you to offend your own sensibilities in a large setting. The vehicles are also much sturdier every way you can imagine. It’s a game full of than their GTA counterparts, encouraging a more bright colours and Tarantino violence, a world of aggressive driving style. Whilst there are occasion- Luchadores gangs and dildo bats. It’s immensely al traction issues the overall handling is tight and immature, terribly unsubtle, and totally over the Looks like someone forgot the safeword easy to pick up. top but, nonetheless, it’s fun in its purest form. FELIX Friday 18 november 2011 37 GAMES ‘Cringe-inducing football pun goes here’ Simon Carnochan kicks about some of his thoughts on Sports Interactive’s latest product, Football Manager 2012

ootball Manager, undeniably the best what, I’ve never been convinced by it and couldn’t football management game on Earth, really care less if I can see Titus Bramble concede is back again. My addictive relation- an own goal in improved animation. Call me old- ship with the game began at the tender fashioned, but I remember the days when I got by age of seven and I’ve been hooked ever with commentary text only and the (epileptic fi t in- since,F even turning up fi fteen minutes late to my ducing) fl ashing text of “GOAL FOR LAZIO!!!!!” GCSE Religious Studies exam due to an FA Cup sent me into howls of excitement. Whist the 2D semi-fi nal with Hull running into extra-time. Any- match engine was a revolutionary feature in FM05, one who claims to be a football fan but has never the 3D view stills has the quality of a crappy 90’s owned a copy of this game is clearly lying – the PS1 game and needs a bit of attention. two are mutually exclusive. Rugby fans (wrong There are those who simply skim through a sea- ball), Americans (can’t even name the sport right) son in a day, only ever distracted from match days and girls (computer game plus football equals un- with the occasional headline transfer, yet this type fortunate sausagefest) have never understood the of user does the game a disservice and fails to ex- joys of playing Football Manager, and although a perience the microscopic depth of control avail- full tutorial for novices has been included in the able as the most acute details can make or break game for the fi rst time, this article may have little a season. It is not until you fully immerse yourself relevance to those who have never played the se- into the game and begin organising your team’s ries before. training schedule, choreographing your team’s set- pieces and start buying unknown Brazilian seven- teen year olds, that you can truly experience FM at “Wives and girlfriends of its best. Some say that this sort management sim is nothing more than dull spreadsheets and num- those who play are known bers, but these morons have no imagination and can fuck off back to playing Mario Kart. Where as ‘Football Manager Football Manager succeeds is that unlike almost new features tempting us addicts like a free beer proper football,” they claimed), yet the feature is every other game there are an infi nite amount of Widows’ for good reason” festival for alcoholics. Each new database over the improved upon yet again with the ability to take on years has offered their own quirks and anomalies, a persona during team talks, and a range of ‘tones’ including various overrated players, but the joy in allows even more customization of your man- To those unfamiliar with Football Manager, the fi nding those hidden wonderkids in the depths of management style. Whether it be a bit of the ol’ simple premise is to give armchair fans a chance the Slovakian lower leagues and fi elding a team Fergie ‘hairdryer’ treatment or playing it cool like to become real-life managers in a way no normal including the likes of Stefan Kuntz, Yo-Suk Bum, Mourinho, the instant player feedback highlights fantasy football game can, with almost every pos- Argel Fucks and Wan King make up for Jermaine the impact of your words, giving a more conver- sible aspect of running a team available for tinker- Pennant bizarrely starting for England. Making sational feel to the dressing room – although there ing. The game is seriously addictive; wives and magical transfer moves (my personal favourite doesn’t appear to be an ‘offer your team shit ad- girlfriends of those that play are commonly known was bringing Roberto Baggio to Watford in 2004) vice in your poorly pronounced Italian-English’ as ‘Football Manager Widows’ for good reason. has become that little bit easier, as you can now option, à la Fabio Capello. Be careful though – After only a week of playing the new release, I can offer loyalty bonuses to players and are able to when the mid-season rut of poor results dampen confi rm that time fl ies just as quickly as in previ- ‘lock’ certain areas of your contract negotiations, your season’s hopes, your players’ moral takes on ous years, and hours spent fi ddling with tactics meaning there are no more frustrating “David even more importance and the way in which you I was told this guy has something to do with football and making moves in the transfer market pass by N'Gog demands an increase of £300 to his con- verbally rape your players after that 0-0 draw with within the blink of an eye. In fact, every full stop tract” moments. Another new feature perfect for Swansea can have devastating, and perhaps exag- in this article not only indicates the end of a sen- those hoping to replicate the wild career paths of gerated, effects. tence, but also the immediate minimizing of this Roy Hodgson and Sven-Göran Eriksson is the abil- Whilst the new ‘Intelligent Interface’ may at fi rst career paths and gameplay is not bound by specifi c document and another twenty minutes spent taking ity to add additional foreign leagues to your save appear a bit crowded and overwhelming, once you missions or tasks – in FM you are completely free the mighty Dagenham & Redbridge back into the game at any point. As soon as your season in the have grown used to the extra information crammed to roam the football world as you please. Whether Premier League. Whilst the continuity and quality Premier League or La Liga gets a bit frustrating into your screen you begin to wonder how you ever it be showing Mourinho how it is done at Real Ma- of this article may suffer as a result of my poor at- then the opportunity to pack your bags and head to used to stay up till 3am playing without it. How- drid; overhauling the likes of Yeovil Town with a tention span, with a Carling Cup tie against Arsenal the lowly Finnish Third Division has never been so ever, I have never liked the interactive media con- bunch of skinny Romanian under-21s, or emigrat- just round the corner and my team sitting outside easy, and the convenience of not having to choose ferences and they remain as hopeless as ever with ing to Jamaica and bringing the World Cup trophy the playoffs, this piece just has no real signifi cance which nations are playable at the start of your ca- reactions from your players and the media either to the Caribbean, life as a Football Manager addict in comparison. reer means the game can process at a far quicker confusing or overdramatic, and although the nov- looks set to continue. Each annual release of FM is fundamentally speed (“I know my game is loading slower than elty of storming out of a press conference for no I’ll give myself until Christmas before I pack it a slight variation on the previous, yet minor im- Emile Heskey, but one day I might want to manage apparent reason never ceases to amuse, this aspect in and retire from the world of management, as the provements in gameplay and an updated database in the Indonesian Premier Division!”) of the game remains an unnecessary disruption be- potential impact on my education is so great even force thousands of fans to splash the cash on an an- Up until recently the idea of interacting with tween match days. Similarly, whilst the 3D graph- another season of Champions League football with nual basis. This year is no different, with numerous players scared many users (“a distraction from ics engine during matches has improved some- Tottenham Hotspur wouldn’t make for it. 38 Every day 40,000 children die from preventable diseases – GREEN WEEK 2011 Friday 18 november 2011 FELIX Games Editor: Laurence Pope

GAMES [email protected] Grow beard; Kill dragons Douglas Heaven on The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim and incredible manliness

kyrim is a foreign country: they do world in Oblivion, Skyrim’s predecessor, was un- things differently there. I’ve been trek- doubtedly beautiful, but ultimately bland and soul- king its sunny snow-packed hills and less. The astonishing detail is there again – maybe alpine meadows for seven days now, you’ll only notice that daytime shadows move with but apart from an incredible beard I’ve the sun or that the stars edge across the night sky if littleS to show for it. I know I ought to be more de- you put the controller aside and let the game idle for pendable; I know there’s a lot at stake. I know that a bit – but Skyrim feels more fully realised, more dragons have suddenly returned to the world, and varied – you get the impression that each vignette I know that, as one of the Dragonborn, it’ll prob- of water-splashed rocks or shade-dappled spinney ably turn out to be my problem. But with so many have been shaped by artists’ hands and not proce- rabbits to chase, fl owers to pick and butterfl ies to dural generation alone. And it’s not just the land- eat I’m fi nding it hard to concentrate on any of the scape: this time the people have more than three many tasks at hand. voices to share between them and background con- It went wrong from the start. I emerged into the versations are less inane. Everyone’s also a lot less vast open world with a companion who bid me join ugly – except for elves, who for some reason now him in the next town – there was a main quest to all look like angry aliens. be played. But this is an Elder Scrolls game, and New research has shown that dragons make everything 110% more badass There’s also a lot more to your interactions with there’s side-quest gold to be found in them hills. I the world: crafting now encompasses tanning, waited until my companion turned a corner in the smithing and cooking, as well as enchanting and road and then I ran in the opposite direction. I’ve become pretty good at picking locks but not She’s obedient but violent: she’ll pick up anything alchemy. Fighting has been made more strategic I’ve found adventure and moderate riches, but at sneaking, which has left me in several embar- I tell her to and sit where I point, but when it comes with the option to wield what you like in either no glory – not yet anyway. I came upon an aban- rassing situations in other people’s houses late at to my horse the only thing she’s willing to do is hand, be it weapon, shield or spell. And you can doned fort in the mountains and rid it of skeletons. night. I’ve seen mammoths, sabre-toothed tigers attack it. shout at things. Shouts are learned from defeated But its current owner turned out to be a vampire and bears and run away from all of them. But you probably want to know about the drag- dragons – I’ve just learnt my fi rst one and it seems master who refused to fall over even after a dozen I don’t know what came over me when I fi nally ons. Bethesda’s announcement a year ago that The most effective at mildly stunning my horse. A piece reloads – I ran away. I made friends with a were- arrived at my original companion’s village. I saw Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim would feature dragons of loading-screen lore, however, has informed me wolf, delivered a love letter, stole vegetables from a chicken scratching in the street in front of me, set the tone for the marketing hype that followed. that a king of Skyrim was once “shouted to pieces”. the shelves of a shop and sold them back to the took out my bow and shot it. As it fl opped over We’re not talking some dragons, either, but unlim- Levelling up appears to work in much the same shopkeeper. I bought a fat horse who occasionally sideways, a woman ran at me, shouting, “That’s ited dragons, randomly encountered, fl apping out way as it did in Fallout 3 and Fallout: New Ve- disappears when I’m riding it, killed twenty ban- a valuable animal!” She was followed by the en- of the sky with a scream and a shadow. However, gas, with each level giving you a point to spend dits and ran away from a bandit thug. tire village, who came at me with axes and sticks. other than during a couple of scripted introductory on perks. But it’s easy to forget about the level- I met a bard crossing a plain one night and paid When I reloaded I gave that chicken a wide berth. encounters, I’ve so far seen only one. It was a long ling – none of these Bethesda games are RPGs in him twenty-fi ve gold pieces to stand and sing for After a while I acquired a servant of sorts – a way off, minding its own business, majestically the traditional sense, like Baldur’s Gate, say, or me; he was still singing when he went out of ear- house carl, though I’m a long way from having a circling a cold grey peak; I turned and ran back the even Dragon Age. Let’s instead call them action shot. I walked alongside a mute giant for a mile house – who diligently carries my heavier items way I’d come. RPGs, or choose-your-own FPSs, or FPSs-with- or more, but I’m not sure he knew I was there. and picks off mudcrabs I can’t be bothered with. Running is such a simple joy in this game. The conversations. An ode to the beauty of Minecraft

Keir Little ey, to make sure he’d raise you well. Of course, you were worth only €10 back then. Happy birthday, Minecraft, my sweetling. You’ve You grew so quickly over the next year, and I been like my own child all these years, but you’re was with you every step of the way. You fl ourished, all grown-up now, your features well formed and taunting me over exam time, rewarding me during bug-free; yet you’re worth only a modest €20. It boring summer days. You stretched my creativity, wasn’t always this way, you know. Oh yes – I re- my spirit for adventure, and together we explored member before you were born. deep, dark caves for their treasures, and made Spring, 2009, what a fi ne season that was. I re- beautiful creations. member playing with Notch, your father, on the I was so happy for you last year when you got to game Infi niminer, with its 3D world made up of your beta stage. You earned so many new friends cubes, all of us playing together, mining and build- then! But you began to grow away from me. So ing blocks. Sound familiar? “Oh, it has Infi nimin- many new features, and it became hard to keep up: er’s look,” we cooed when you were born, and “it’s I felt like an old man bewildered by a computer like a 3D Dwarf Fortress!” Back then you were a Rolling hills and sweeping valleys compose when you showed me your redstone, yet your new the pristine landscape simple, precious thing: your grass all one colour, A time to forgive and forget pals raced ahead with using it. always sunny, so few block types. I know I’ve not had much time for you recently, You’ve been told this time and time before, I bet, Minecraft, and I’ve not been staying up-to-date but you really are quite like Lego. At least, back so thrilled. I watched with glee as you developed ed: creative, yet challenging; stimulating, satisfy- with everything you wanted to show me, but you’ll then you were: you’ve defi nitely matured since monsters, crafting, day and night cycles, so much ing, and sometimes scary. When you grew infi nite always have a place in my heart. Happy birthday, then (and are doing so much better for it). When more! worlds, I saw that your father had something to be Minecraft, and here’s to many years of exploring we fi rst heard about your ‘survival’ mode, we were You were quickly becoming what we all want- truly proud of. That’s when I handed over my mon- all that you’ve got to offer.

40 Rainforests higher than 3,000ft above sea level are called cloud forests – GREEN WEEK 2011 Friday 18 november 2011 FELIX Food Editors: Anastasia Eleftheriou Michael Krestas FOOD [email protected] Expert’s View Campus Food Review Scouring South Kensington for the ultimate in College cuisine – who will triumph in this war of gastronomy? Junior Common Room

The quality of food in the JCR is high; I often have the Fish and Chips for lunch. However, I feel the variety can be im- proved on: more hot food, such as pasta, could be available. Frankie says RELAX! 7/10 Yong Zi Tan

Variety is queen, and the Queens Tower Restau- rant appears to be worthy of its royal name. At a university as international as ours, a mixed plate is a necessity, and our restaurant seems to pro- vide just that. The Chinese noodles, for instance, are a must-try for those who have not yet had the The fast food section of the JCR hasn’t got much in the fortune of tasting culinary masterpieces from the way of variety. Sandwiches run out really early (I can’t fi nd East. With curries served daily and Italian meals any good ones by 13:00) and the Sushi should have more also regularly in the mix, the restaurant has an choices: they could introduce single options like wasabi. international feel that makes it an indispensable The pasta section really should have better options and bor- part of every student’s lunch time. To top it off, the row some of Pret A Manger’s ideas (such as bacon, cheese, classic meal deal – a drink, main dish, and soup or I have had various meals in the JCR, including sandwiches ham, tomato, and chocolate croissants). The ‘Create-your- dessert – makes it an affordable lunch. from the Delhi bar and the other places. I have to say, I’m own’ section needs improvement too, like having toasted 7/10 rather impressed at the quality of the food as I expected it sandwiches and more in the meat section (where is bacon to be much worse! For about £5 you have a wide choice of and melted cheese?). The pancakes and panini section – During irregular hours, our pseudo around-the- full meal combinations at the cafeteria, much needed during the best in my opinion – has some good options, though the clock Library Café can be a life saver. Whether it’s the course of the day, and the various sandwiches available biggest problem for me is the fact that the JCR closes way shortly before morning lectures and you just what are fresh and prove ideal if you don’t have the time to sit too early. Everybody knows when the time for a pancake is to grab a quick coffee, or late in the evening after down and eat. The food should be able to satisfy most of – just after fi nishing your lecture at 4! Overall, the JCR just long hours in labs, the café gives you just what the students since it ranges from common foods to Italian can’t compete with a street shop in its category, due to the you need: quick food. But beware: while service is and Chinese. 7.5/10 medium quality, taste, and the lack of options. 4/10 swift during off-peak hours, the queues that form Michalis Michaelides Kyriakos Ioannou during lunch time or exam season can be a frus- trating experience. Thankfully the café seems to have acknowledged this and now has opened a new third till. 5/10

Fresh Deli. Fried chicken. Burgers. Pancakes. It’s a complete assortment that you rarely see so close together anywhere in South Kensington. The Fast Foods Corner defi nitely doesn’t offer the healthi- est of choices, but it’s undeniably tasty. The deli- cacies produced by our star chef at the fast foods corner could easily rival those from Burger King or On the one hand, you can fi nd a variety of different foods; KFC. My favourite food in the JCR, however is the from salads tofresh sandwiches, sushi to crepes. The mem- freshly made sandwiches at the Deli Bar. Despite bers of staff are polite and they are very quick at the ca- long queues that form at the Deli Bar, when I’m in shiers. It’s also a cozy place with nice, comfortable couch- no rush to get to a lecture, I try to drop by the bar es. On the other hand, it gets very crowded and is therefore to pick and choose the contents of my own cus- The JCR is okay. I do really like the sandwiches, especially noisy at around midday. I think this might happen because tom sandwich. Subway lovers, this is just better. the make-your-own counter – I always go with the freshly there is not enough space to accommodate everyone. Pric- 7/10 made baguette with cheddar cheese, tomato and pesto. The es are reasonable and overall I consider the JCR as a place coffee is fi ne, the variety of drinks is very good and sofas are to grab something that I can eat elsewhere, unless it is not Mario Hayashi relaxing! 7/10 peak time. 6/10 Anastasia Eleftheriou Ioannis Kourouklides FELIX Friday 18 november 2011 41 FOOD Queen’s Tower

Restaurant Half of the days the food is good and half of the days it is not. There certainly is room for improvement. It defi nitely qualifi es as a second choice, not as a fi rst. 5/10 Half of the time the food is Sometimes, the food is quite Most of the times, there are good, and half of the time it’s good but sometimes it’s not. only one or two dishes I can not. There is certainly room There is mostly Asian food eat. Food is of average quality for improvement. It defi nitely on offer, and it’s not of the and the prices could be lower, qualifi es as a second choice best quality. 6/10 maybe by 30p or 40p. 6/10 rather than a fi rst. 5/10 Alexia Christophide Michael Krestas Katerina Apostolidou

Love campus food? Hate campus food? Have your say! Send an email with your review to [email protected]. Your opinion could make a change! Library Cafe

As I generally feast upon the sandwich selection and the occasional jacket potato in the Library Cafe, my comments will be based upon these! In general, the taste is rather good (maybe except for the falafel...). Value is good compared with the closest non-campus food sources. 7/10 Christina Ng

I often eat here. Portions are large and the price is fair. Sometimes, especially during peak times, the queue is a bit too long. However, students are served fast so I don’t have to wait for long. Sandwich selection is good too, I usually have the Chicken & Bacon. Salads, on the other hand, aren’t so good. The one time I had one, it was tasteless so I had to add every kind of sauces I could fi nd. Overall, the Library Cafe offers good quality food and it’s a nice place to have your snack. 6/10 Stalo Constantinou 42 IT’S GREEN WEEK! Newspaper, printed on dead trees, tells you why you should be more environmentally conscious Friday 18 NOVEMber 2011 FELIX

HANGMAN [email protected] The Alternative Periodic Table Chemical elements can’t talk, no matter how much acid you take. The following is a completely bizarre world created by someone who feels the need to assign human qualities to everything, because 1 deep down they are so very lonely. Hands-on-crotch-on- 2 H Chatroulette lonely. He Hydrogen Helium Ooh, look at me, I’m 70% of all You’re anorexic and nobody visible matter in the Universe! I will go near you. From afar, you was around before the Universe hear jibes from neon and argon: was cool! Do you want another “lose more neutrons, fatty!”. You Universe to house your ego as pick yourself up and head off well? God, just do the periodic to the nearest particle collider table a favour and fuck off. Oh, and throw yourself in front of a and while you’re at it, take off proton beam. those oversized glasses.

55 Cs 79 Au 80 Hg 9 F Caesium Gold Mercury Fluorine What a stud, eh? Voted “Most Have you ever tried winding this The metal that just cannot keep The biggest slut of the periodic Electropositive” in his high guy up? There is almost nothing its shit together. Looked upon table. Christ, you’ll even sleep school yearbook, since francium that will get to him. Mention his with disdain by fellow transition with xenon, that fat ugly thing was nowhere to be found. Fluo- (atomic) weight? Eh, he’s not metals: “You call that a melting in group 8/on the rugby team. rine can’t get enough of him, it’s the fattest. He just sits there, point? You should be ashamed Chlorine is constantly jealous just a shame that he gets a bit glistening yellow with a stupid of yourself!”. Iron likes to pre- of her because she gets to do too excited and literally explodes grin. He does get creeped out tend he’s a big man like that some “hydrogen bonding”. If when he touches her. Only once, by mercury though, and runs for until tungsten comes along and you’re shagging number 1 why though. That guy from American cover if you ever mention “aqua shows him who’s the real wolf- try harder? Pie is still the bigger loser. regia”. ram among sheep. the turnip Hangman’s Finest College News Source Student emerges from Huxley after 20 years

40-year-old man re- edge, resulting in the commonplace als who have been stranded from ported to have a beard sight of undergraduates circling the civilisation or travelled forward in “as long as your mum building like pillocks. time. is wide” was spotted “I tried to ask people for direc- Currently Universal Studios is in- exiting the Huxley tions, but everyone avoided eye terviewing the man, with a view to buildingA via Queen’s Gate last Mon- contact like they were socially make next summer’s blockbuster: day, having spent two decades find- awkward or something. After two it has been described as “Castaway ing his way out. After being stopped weeks I gave up trying to escape so meets The Terminal, but with nei- by security, who mistook him for a I learned how to survive by sneak- ther the humour, suspense nor Tom homeless person seeking shelter, he ing into offices for food and water Hanks”. claimed to be an ex-student of Im- while their owners were out. I even Channel 4 is also jumping on the perial who got lost after looking for stole the odd problem sheet to keep bandwagon, with plans to com- the room he had a tutorial in. myself entertained.” mission a six-part survival series Huxley’s layout is notoriously The student is expected to receive starring Bear Grylls. Bear Grylls confusing: room numbers run in counselling and be brought up to celebrated the good news with an The particular individual who “pulled” these pints was very dehydrated. an order not discernible without speed about the world’s events since ice-cold pint of urine, noting that it Don’t even ask about where the froth came from advanced mathematical knowl- 1991, as per protocol for individu- still tasted better than Blackthorn. FELIX Friday 18 NOVEMber 2011 43 HANGMAN

Felix may no longer have a Books section, but this will THE NEWS WITHOUT THE NEWS do. Probably. You can fi nd reviews here. Obviously, we just judge them by their cover, but the only person Horoscopes* that ever hurt was Dominique Strauss-Kahn: “She G'ddafing a laugh? American *New and improved since going on a pointless training course at the Cartier Polo Presidential candidate Herman Cain looked like she was giving me the eyes, I swear”. tries to recall if Libya is the pizza with the palm dates topping Aries Taurus

This week is anti-bullying week. You This week you post a facebook update still have a completely reprehensible and about Skyrim. Notifications start popping pathetic personality and absolutely no up. 10 people like it! While looking at your physical presence at all. So your flatmates profile you realise that everyone else has treat you like shit when you get home. This defriended you. The sensation of loss lasts wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the fact for approximately 0.6 seconds longer than that you live with your parents. it takes Skyrim to load up again. Gemini Cancer

This week, you decide to do a show on IC This week, you think to yourself how The cover of this book shows what appears to be a potential serial Radio. While chatting with your friends everyone warned you that every flat killer balancing food that he plans to devour after his latest victim is on air you remember an opinion you hold at uni would have one dickhead who fi nished off. Then you realise, it’s actually Heston Blumenthal. about the NUPSA. Just as you’re about no one liked, but now you’re here and DRUNKEN MATE It is a little known fact that he was once banned from cooking outside to air said opinion, the Union’s Pre-crime yours doesn’t. When you walk into of a television environment under the ‘Protection of Animals Act’ after team burst through the door and shoot the kitchen everyone stops talking and OF THE WEEK marinading live chicken by fi ring peri-peri ammunition from a semi- you in the head. looks away. automatic paint gun for a Nandos advert that never aired. He was also once in trouble after using the internet and fi nding an incorrect defi ni- tion of ‘spitroasting’. This was 10 years ago, and he has since sought Leo Virgo psychiatric treatment. Nevertheless, this intimate journal documents his struggle to come to terms with the ban just as his career was just taking off. Blumenthal speaks candidly of how he would break down It’s been three weeks into movember This week, you are Theresa May. Yes! The Illiteratein Booktears Club before his toastie maker, after fi nding the instruction manual and all you have to show for it is By- For some bizarre and unknown rea- had been confi scated by the authorities. He attributes his lack of hair ron burger sauce stained fluff on your son you still have a job. Seriously, no to a desperate attempt to cook with only a chicken fi llet, a can of Lynx top lip. One the plus side, mothers of one likes you and you’re not even that Africa and a zippo lighter. Although, in a funny twist of fate, this is now young families move their kids out of competent at what you do anyway. In the trash like the piece of shit he is. the way when you walk down the street. Somehow you manage to avoid get- Harsh? No. Who wears shorts on a night out? his recommended method of fl ame grilling chicken. You love a good tease. ting fired. Irritating. Libra Scorpio

This week, you are offended by This week, you realise that you’re com- something you read. Awwww, poor you, pletely naked and standing in the middle I feel really bad. Hang on, we just got an of Oxford Circus, alternating between First, you sacrifi ce your entire life to email in. It’s a man who is starving and screaming at the top of your lungs and some morally bankrupt business has a family to provide for. He said he vomiting up a pale brown caustic liquid. venture to the detriment of your chil- is really sorry to hear about your plight. The cold November air starts to bite and, dren’s happiness, any respect from You complain about this horoscope. shivering, soaked in your own bile, you die. the male species, and any form of femininity (like you had that anyway). Then your sweaty suit goes for 0.2% of the value of some shitty Indian Sagittarius Capricorn shirt worn by an Irish twot. AND, this is all for Charity, this is people being This week, you go to the Union for This week, you start working on a generous. Humiliated? You fucking a pint of snakebite. It’s only 10 am group project. There are 4 of you and should be. No wonder you’re such a but when you’re Felix editor the rules luckily you’re not the smartest person grumpy bitch. bend to you. Blind drunk 3 hours later in the group, or the dumbest or most a wildly contentious diatribe arrives in organised. You coast through and are a your inbox. You put it in the comment good team player and get a good mark. section. Banter ensues. Everyone else hates you. Fuck them. Aquarius Pisces

You’re eating in the chemistry café with This week, despite the best efforts of your friends. When you’re done, you get your tutor to put you off, you decide up and don’t take your litter with you. YOU to take an Imperial College Business ARE A TWAT. IF I EVER FIND YOU School module as part of your degree. I’LL KILL YOU BY RAMMING YOUR It nearly costs you your 2-1 . Swearing LITTER DOWN YOUR THROATS. The to never do that shit again, you go into Actual value: at least £2000 Actual value < 10 rupees closest the Horoscopes get to Green Week. science academia. WIN! 44 Friday 18 november 2011 FELIX Puzzles Editor: James Hook

PUZZLES [email protected]

Last Week’s It’s Green Week, so your puzzles will have a ‘green theme’. Yes, puzzles can make a point as well! Solutions Crossword 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 8 Across Down 9 10 10 1. Be careful about how you 1. Production company, fi lms Slitherlink behave; Irving Berlin musical include AI, Ocean’s Eleven (5,4,4) (6,8) 9. Pulse-based location detector 2. Royal dynasty (5) 11 12 12 15 3 2 2 3 (5) 3. Stubborn; pragmatic (10) 10. Country home of the 4. Egg-shaped wind instru- 2 232 world’s largest crocodile (9) ment (7) 13 2 2 2 3 1 11. Illuminator of new moons; 5. Fruit of prickly stemmed 141316 151417 18 191516 2016 3 2 2 1 1 3 Arthur C. Clarke 1955 sci-fi plant (4,3) 2 1 2 1 333 novel (10) 6. Period of time; name (4) 12. Eye infection; pig pen (4) 7. Policy making committee of 16 21 222 12 14. Large handkerchief (7) a Communist Party (9) 31 12 16. Make anxious; destabilise a 8. 90’s sitcom - characters 1722 23 1824 18 19 25 22322 3 system (7) include Screech and Slater 17. Escape pipes (7) (5,2,3,4) 19 2 3 1 19. Home of Lions, Tigers. 13. Oregon caldera (6,4) 1 2 3 Pistons, Red Wings (7) 15. Name for the Virgin Mary 2620 21 21 22 2322 20. Pay attention to (4) adopted by several cathedrals 21. Author of Th e Rainbow; (5,4) 23 Lady Chatterly’s Lover (1,1,8) 18. Distinguished academic (7) 24. Achieve; range (5) 19. Impassive or expression- 24 25 26 25. Circuit; thighs when seated less (7) (3) 22. Group of 9 musicians (5) Crosswords 26. ‘82 musical famous for It’s a 23. Knife or razor used as a Hard-Knock Life (5) weapon (4) 26 27 27. Green (13) QUICK(ish) - Across 1. Tiger Lily 6. Cameo 9. Aroma 10. President 11. Tiger Woods 12. Prof 14. Trainees 15. Camera 17. Gaffer 19. Face card 22. Rout 23. Chopsticks 26. Word Wheel Entourage 27. Godly 28. Early SLITHERLINK L N 29. Ever ready Down 1. Toast 2. Georgia 3. Roadrunner 4. Imploded TARGET: 15 5. Yields 6. Cain 7. McEnroe 8. Out 2231 2 O L of hand 13. Paper tiger 14. Tiger’s eye 16. Earpiece 18. Flutter 20. U 233 Make as many words of at least Arcadia 21. Thrace 24. Stymy 4 letters as you can, always using the T P 25. Busy 3 2 2 2 central one. NO plurals, conjugated verbs, comparatives or superlatives, O I 1 322 2 because I said so.. There is always at least one 9 letter word. CRYPTIC - Across 1. Samaritan 6. Clamp 9. Ad-lib 10. Ingenious 11. 3 3 2 2 3 Fortissimo 12. Stow 14. Academia 22 322 15. Career 17. Pastry 19. Reck- Champagne Crossword Answers less 22. Anon 25. Bank Robber 26. Spare tire 27. Aorta 28. Leech 223 3 Big thanks to everyone who took part, winners and answers below: 29. Strike out Down 1. Scarf 2. Malaria 3. Rabbit ears 4. Tailspin 121 3 Cryptic Winner: Neil Hati-Kakoty 5. Nagami 6. Cane 7. Apostle 8. Across 1.Copperfi eld 7.Teetotaller 13.Disgraced 14.Alpha Centauri 15.Litchi 16.Arbital 17.Ear- Passwords 13. Back to back 14. nest 19.Get Off On The Wrong Foot 22.Bananas 23.Endorse 25.Run Into 27.Oven 28.Cosmetic Appraisal 16. Neckwear 18. Stor- 3 2 3 3 2 31.September 34.Aforeseen 35.Readapts 36.Slot 38.Cheddar 40.Rollmop 43.Raiders 44.Scratch- age 20. Embargo 21. Rapids 24. ing The Surface 48.Israeli 49.Lyonnais 50.Armpit 52.Sound Judgment 53.Intention 54.Resur- 2 2 1 3 2 2 gences 55.Pamphleteer Down 1.Coddle 2.Push The Envelope 3.Earthbound 4.Face 5.Endurance React 25. Mesh 6.Deafi sh 7.Top Drawer 8.E-mail 9.Overeager 10.Loudest 11.Reists 18.Offshore 20.Open Sea 21.Socrates 22.Buoyant 24.Deter 26.Nobel Peace Prize 29.Monarch 30.Chasm 32.Peter Out 33.Fender Bender 37.Difference 39.Retribute 41.Londoners 42.Presidium 44.Strauss 45.Tank Top 46.Kisser 47.Stoner 49.Logic 51.Etch The aim with Slitherlink That’s all the info you need Quick Winner: Richard Worrall is to make one continuous to get the one logical answer Across 1.Hide And Seek 7.Kirk Douglas 13.Negotiate 14.Little Bighorn 15.Sparta 16.Familiar Chess closed loop by connecting (though waiting a week to see 17.In A Hole 19.Take With A Grain Of Salt 22.Hotline 23.Student 25.Detects 27.Yarn 28.As- the dots. The numbers in the solution will also do). An- terisk 31.Orchestra 34.Two-Handed 35.Noahs Ark 36.This 38.Centavo 40.Mittens 43.Omicron Astonishingly, black is in zugzwang each square indicate how swers to puzzles.felix@im- 44.Chitty Chitty Bang Bang 48.Parmese 49.Compadre 50.Bother 52.Chocolate Chip 53.Dark after the move 1. Ba6!! Now no many edges of the square perial.ac.uk, as the puzzles Horse 54.Crystal Ball 55.Empowerment Down 1.Honest 2.Dog Day Afternoon 3.Antithesis matter which move black chooses, are part of the loop, so if it team recieves one EU bailout 4.Draw 5.Eyelashes 6.Killing 7.Kittiwake 8.Ruler 9.Debriefed 10.Unguaranteed 11.Lookout he will be mated next move contains a “2”, you know package per correct solution. 12.Sander 18.Finessed 20.Notions 21.Assassin 22.Haystack 24.Union 26.Catcher In The Rye that two and only two out 29.Endemic 30.Knave 32.Cartoons 33.Paradise Lost 37.Big Brother 39.On The Ball 41.Trium- phal 42.Sobered Up 44.Cursory 45.Traipse 46.Ipecac 47.Arrest 49.Chela 51.Crow of four edges have lines. FELIX Friday 18 november 2011 45 PUZZLES

Nonogram - Floe Rider ChessSoc Chess The harrowing, horribly pixellated effects of climate change are shown in this puzzle. Watch as your twisted 1 1 logic slowly reveals inevitable envi- 3 2 6 5 4 2 6 2 3 ronmental destruction. Hmm... Maybe 2 2 3 12 2 1 5 2 1 2 1 2 2 3 2 puzzles isn’t the best place for this stuff after all... 2

5 The cells in a grid have to be coloured or left blank according to numbers at 3 the side of the grid.

6 The numbers measure how many un- 4 3 broken lines of filled-in squares there are in any given row or column. Look 4 3 at last week’s solution to see what a typical solution looks like. 1 2 1 1 The overall solution should yield 1 2 1 1 some sort of picture, or as good as a 2 2 picture can look in monochrome on a 15x15 grid. 2 1 As usual, answers to puzzles.felix@ 4 imperial.ac.uk. 1 1

3 2 3

3 1 6 1 1 2 2 Comics Are Back In Force...

FUCWIT League Leader Board The Felix University/College- TTeams:eams: The Jailbaits 40 Wide Invitational Tournament Pegasus & the Parrots 35 League is new and improved, Elbowfart 34 with prizes for both the win- ning team and the winning Paddy Got Bummed 28 individual. IIndividuals:ndividuals:

Jeremy Neale 50 Send your solutions to: [email protected] Wael Aljeshi 22 for points galore!

QFDROIMFVWZ A B C D E F G H I J K L M CRYPTOGRAMS N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

K R N D R M I N B M N I C G N D U R N T M I B C J K N D T N

O D M G L K N V V N I T R X R D W J I R Y N D B Q M I B J X R D

Welcome to another round of cryptograms. Here are David K U R D R C U R W N D R B J M I B C J Y M C Suzuki’s thoughts on climate change... Each letter stands for a different letter. Use the box above to record what you’ve already fi gured out. 46 Madagascar contains a rainforest where 60% of its 12,000 different plant species are unique to that island – GREEN WEEK 2011 Friday 18 november 2011 FELIX Sport Editors: Indy Leclercq David Wilson SPORT [email protected] Felix Sports League ...where do you stand? Holloway Bears get mauled by IC Mike Peacock American Football Imperial Immortals 19 Team P W D L F A Diff Index Royal Holloway Bears 0 1 Badminton M2 2 2 0 0 14 2 12 5.00 2 Basketball M1 3 3 0 0 197 144 53 5.00 The Imperial Immortals American Football 3 Fencing W1 2 2 0 0 270 137 133 5.00 team stormed through for another victory this 4 Hockey M2 1 1 0 0 4 1 3 5.00 Sunday with a hard fought battle against the 5 Hockey W1 3 3 0 0 9 4 5 5.00 Royal Holloway Bears. At their last meeting 6 ICSM Badminton M2 1 1 0 0 6 2 4 5.00 the Bears had won by the closest of margins 7 ICSM Football M2 3 3 0 0 11 6 5 5.00 (scoring a fi eld goal in 3rd overtime) so the 8 ICSM Hockey W2 2 2 0 0 10 1 9 5.00 Immortals stepped on the fi eld with something Not to be clichéd, but... Hut! Hut! Hike! 9 Lacrosse W1 2 2 0 0 36 3 33 5.00 to prove. With the momentum of last weeks 10 Netball W1 3 3 0 0 108 75 33 5.00 win behind them the Immortals fi nished the quality tackling. To top off their awful half, dominance throughout the second half, with 11 Rugby M2 2 2 0 0 47 13 34 5.00 game with their fi rst shut-out of the season the Bears second choice Quarterback, under Holloway losing their Centre due to injury it 12 Tennis W1 1 1 0 0 3 2 1 5.00 and a well earned 19 points. pressure from rushing lineman Temi Ladega, was even easier for the Immortals to blow-up 13 Ultimate Frisbee 1 1 1 0 0 15 0 15 5.00 The fi rst half went very well for the Immor- threw a lofted pass straight into the arms of any potential running plays in the Holloway 14 Tennis M2 3 2 1 0 22 14 8 4.00 tals, receiving the kickoff and driving the ball waiting linebacker Dexter Valencia who re- backfi eld. In fact, this game had the highest 15 Hockey W2 2 1 1 0 4 3 1 3.50 up the fi eld repeatedly with power running by turned for the fi rst defensive touchdown in number of interceptions and turnovers as the 16 Squash W1 2 1 1 0 6 2 4 3.50 Tino Millar; breaking a number of tackles and Immortals history. With the Surrey offense Immortals forced the Bears to keep making 17 Badminton W1 3 1 2 0 15 9 6 3.00 carrying two of the Bears Linebackers into pushed back to their touchdown line after mistakes. Veteran Cornerback George Barnes 18 Fencing M2 2 2 0 1 368 216 152 3.00 the endzone to score the fi rst touchdown of kick-off, Imperial hopes for a safety (sacking making a fantastic interception but was unable 19 Rugby M1 4 3 0 1 116 58 58 2.75 the game. However, there were moments that the quarterback in their own endzone) were to run it in to the Bears endzone due to age and 20 Badminton M1 3 2 0 1 18 6 12 2.00 the Immortals struggled against some power- dashed when the half was called and a down- lack of pace. 21 ICSM Hockey W1 4 2 1 1 23 9 14 2.00 ful players, needing to make long yards on cast Holloway team stumbled off the fi eld In the fi nal quarter of the game Holloway 22 Football M2 3 1 1 1 9 9 0 1.00 third down. With the weather perfect the team with the score at 19-0. realized they had been thoroughly beaten and 23 Basketball W1 2 1 0 1 117 69 48 0.50 could turn to its passing game; Michael Pea- However in the second half Royal Holloway instead turned to poor sportsmanship. Unfor- 24 Football W1 2 1 0 1 8 11 -3 0.50 cock making an important catch in the Bears stepped up their game. The Immortals clearly tunately resorting to poor play and question- 25 Golf 1 2 1 0 1 5.5 5.5 0 0.50 red zone to ensure fi rst down. The catch of the were suffering from over-confi dence as the able behavior in an attempt to force the Im- 26 ICSM Badminton W1 2 1 0 1 8 8 0 0.50 day however came just before the half, with offense seemed lackluster; failing to drive the mortals to their level. Thankfully, the Imperial 27 ICSM Football M1 2 1 0 1 4 6 -2 0.50 the Immortals Quarterback Bob Wolsten- ball repeatedly and having to punt a number team remained calm and played the football 28 ICSM Netball W1 2 1 0 1 82 72 10 0.50 holme having plenty of time to throw a 40 of times. Meanwhile the Holloway defense they wanted to play; fi nishing the game with 29 ICSM Netball W2 2 1 0 1 52 50 2 0.50 yard pass to rookie Wide Receiver Max Hol- showed aggression and fought incredibly hard a shut-out. 30 ICSM Netball W4 2 1 0 1 47 50 -3 0.50 lister who was free to run it to the endzone for for every tackle, with a solid effort to try and The game was incredibly hard fought but 31 ICSM Rugby M3 4 2 0 2 88 90 -2 0.50 the last score of the half. pull Holloway back into the game. Even with the team look forward to their game next Sun- 32 Lacrosse M1 2 1 0 1 34 18 16 0.50 The Surrey offense struggled all game; hav- this Imperial still came close to scoring again; day against the Reading Renegades. If you’d 33 Squash M3 2 1 0 1 3 7 -4 0.50 ing a number of players injured by the hard until Bob Wolstenholme threw yet another ill- like to get involved in the sport the team is 34 Tennis M1 2 1 0 1 15 5 10 0.50 hitting Immortals defense. Not only were the conceived pass straight into the arms of a Hol- currently looking for physically large guys to 35 Futsal M1 4 2 0 2 18 27 -9 0.50 Bears unable to keep the Defense away from loway Linebacker. Thankfully he was tackled play as linemen. If you think you would like to 36 Football M1 2 0 1 1 1 3 -2 -1.00 their quarterback, any completed pass or run to the ground immediately before any yards give it a go, message us by searching ‘Impe- 37 Football M3 3 1 0 2 7 8 -1 -1.00 was shut down quickly by fast pursuit and could be made. The defense maintained their rial Immortals AFC’ on Facebook or Twitter. 38 Hockey M1 3 1 0 2 6 4 2 -1.00 39 ICSM Rugby M1 3 1 0 2 52 104 -52 -1.00 40 ICSM Rugby M2 3 1 0 2 32 135 -103 -1.00 41 Netball W3 3 1 0 2 74 67 7 -1.00 42 Squash M1 3 1 0 2 3 12 -9 -1.00 in association with 43 Table Tennis M1 3 1 0 2 23 28 -5 -1.00 Selected results Sports Partnership 44 ICSM Netball W5 4 0 1 3 25 185 -160 -2.50 45 Fencing M3 1 0 0 1 120 130 -10 -4.00 46 Fencing W2 1 0 0 1 84 129 -45 -4.00 Wednesday 16th November Royal Holloway 2nd 5 Men’s 1st 0 Brunel 1st 5 47 Hockey M3 3 0 0 3 3 11 -8 -4.00 BADMINTON Men’s 3nd 123 NETBALL 48 Hockey M4 3 0 0 3 0 24 -24 -4.00 City University 123 Medicals Women’s 2nd 2 Women’s 1st 1 49 ICSM Badminton M1 1 0 0 1 0 8 -8 -4.00 Men’s 1st 7 Canterbury Christ Church Medicals 1st 73 LSE 1st 4 50 ICSM Basketball M1 1 0 0 1 46 64 -18 -4.00 Essex 1st 1 2nd 1 Kent 2nd 11 51 ICSM Hockey M1 3 0 0 3 6 26 -20 -4.00 FOOTBALL Men’s 3rd 2 52 ICSM Hockey M2 3 0 0 3 3 19 -16 -4.00 Men’s 2nd 0 Medicals Women’s 3r RUGBY UNION LSE 1st 2 53 ICSM Hockey M3 1 0 0 1 0 3 -3 -4.00 Brighton 1st 8 Men’s 1st 3 d 0 TABLE TENNIS 54 ICSM Hockey W3 1 0 0 1 0 7 -7 -4.00 Bucks New Uni 1st 2 City University 1st 7 Men’s 1st 25 55 ICSM Netball W3 3 0 0 3 26 106 -80 -4.00 Women’s 1st 5 Chichester 1st 24 Men’s 1st 10 56 Netball Women's 2nd 1 0 0 1 14 41 -27 -4.00 LSE 1st 3 Men’s 3rd 0 Medical Men’s 2nd 4 Cambridge 1st 7 57 Rugby M3 3 0 0 3 22 57 -35 -4.00 Kingston Uni 2nd 5 Roehampton University 1st 2 Men’s 2nd 11 58 Squash M2 1 0 0 1 0 5 -5 -4.00 Medicals Men’s 2nd 4 Goldsmiths 1st 20 Women’s 5 59 Squash M4 1 0 0 1 1 2 -1 -4.00 Royal Free & University College HOCKEY Medical Men’s 1st 2 Kings 1st 0 60 Table Tennis M2 1 0 0 1 5 12 -7 -4.00 Men’s 4 Royal Holloway 2nd 3 Medicals Men’s 2nd 0 Men’s 3rd 1 Surrey 1st 64 Men’s 2nd 13 The (actual) League table is back! It doesn’t have all the BASKETBALL Brunel 3rd 4 LACROSSE LSE 1st 4 teams in it yet, as some of you haven’t played yet...but will Medicals Men’s 3rd 31 be updated every week. Women’s 1st 59 Men’s 4th 0 Women’s 1st 23 Westminster 1st 36 TENNIS Chichester 1st 51 Chichester 2nd 6 Brighton 1st 0 5 points for a win | 2 points for a draw | -4 points for a loss Men’s 11 SQUASH Men’s 1st 8 FENCING Women’s 2nd 0 Royal Holloway 1st 3 Brighton 1st 4 FELIX Friday 18 november 2011 47 SPORT Captains’ Interviews: Cryptic Crossword 1,502

1 2 3 4 5 5 6 7 8 Rowing Club Captain 9 10 11 10

1211 12 13 15

14

151316 1417 16 18 1915 2016

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182217 19 23 1824 19 25 20 21 Essential info: Likes: Flat water and sun to row in 22 262320 21 24 22 23 Patrick Hudson, 22 A decent cooked breakfast 25 75 kg, 181.5 cm, arm span: 186 cm after training 2624 25 27 3 years’ rowing experience Montage videos with

Information Systems MEng Undergrad bangin’ soundtracks 2628 29

Dislikes: ULBC, DUBC, Brookes Across Down Union paperwork 1. Mould at inside of house (8) 1. Give up! Whether I win lotto or change, 5. Space-based revolutionary culture in US Ireland misses out (5,2,3,5) city (6) 2. Place setting in Electrical Engineering for 10. Alien from the east takes break outside theatre performance (7) Indy Leclercq “A 4th place out of 300 for the girls will deliver – his hunger for winning is from SQTs (7) 3. Not as much to do in class (6) Sport Editor at Women’s Eights Head of the River; unmistakeable. 11. Young one at half 5 beat with cane (7) 4. Mission for army’s king (4) winners of the University Pennant and Moving on to something slightly dif- 12. Bereaved one having no outlet (6) 6. Whole of utmost corruption extremely I hope that the avid Sport readers (you four crews in the top 25 out of 400 ferent, I ask about an association that a 13. Large block of time swallowing fishy abnormal (3,5) know who you are) have been enjoying at the Men’s Eights Head – no club lot of people make in their minds: the oil (8) 7. Madrid to win for logical one (7) the Captains’ Interviews series – be- matched that achievement, student one between rowing and the Olympics. 15. Urgency that knee develops partially (4) 8. Odd beetle trapped with arachnid’s legs cause we’ve decided to go weekly on or otherwise. Those successes were It’s a very exciting time for any sports- 16. Leader of circus to call boy (10) following hand in epistle about God’s you. After having the Rugby fi rst XV followed by wins and strong perfor- man-or-woman to be in London; will 18. Manager begins to get benefits (4,6) words (3,5,2,5) captain last week, we turn to an equally mances at the Henley Regattas in the any Imperial rowers be involved in the 20. Student workshop bar (4) 9. Gloated of design for sluice (9) popular (and equally gruelling) sport. summer. The current squad is in great Games? 23. Boogie to bore boy nowadays (3,5) 14. I manage lots of money, having more Live from the Boathouse in Putney, shape and looks set to build on last “Mel Wilson from Imperial is in the 24. Rough, very dry, heartlessly anal (6) elaborate home inside (9) Rowing Club Captain Patrick Hudson Women’s Quadruple Sculls and Adam 26. Removed merchandise outside for battle 17. Headless Marquis grasps hat in exciting answers my questions. Freeman-Pask, an alumnus who still (7) adventure (8) I have always been slightly in awe The current squad rows with us, is also in the frame for 27. Staring intently from sheltered confine 19. Cravin’ medicine (7) of rowers, with their steely, up-at-the- a seat. Both Mel and Adam competed (7) 21. Coffee encapsulates Imperial regular crack-of-dawn training ethos and their is in great shape at the World Championships this year.” 28. Northerner surrounded by stitch-up with structure (7) sheer drive for success. Somewhat in- After my noises of wonder and excite- time for knife (6) 22. Enemy without initial revenge not enemy evitably, the fi rst question I ask Patrick and looks set to ment subside, Patrick continues: “A 29. Even Steven’s breathless from warmth! (6) revolves around this: where does he few club members are volunteering at (4,4) 25. Colour nearly making music (4) fi nd the motiviation to get up at such build on last year’s Dorney Lake and for the rest of us, or scarily hours to train? those lucky enough to get tickets, we’ll “I don’t know where the motivation achievements be cheering for GB from the bank.” comes from...Possibly the fact that I Personally, I’ll be cheering on any live at the Boathouse and my crew will Imperial athlete who makes it to the bang on my door to get up?” Ah, it’s all year’s achievements.” games – in any sport. for after races.” He then lets me in on development as well as teamwork.” I about location then? Not quite, he says: I ask him to elaborate further; what Speaking of cheering, what of the so- a further piece of (confi dential?) infor- can’t help but think that squash lost out “Seriously though, it’s a rewarding are the main objectives for this season? cial side of rowing? We don’t often see mation: “ICSMBC were kind enough somewhere along the way. sport and we do everything we can to “The most prestigious events for us the oarpeople (not sure if that’s PC or to expose the weaknesses in our drink- What have his personal achivements win – anything less wouldn’t be good are the Eight’s Head races in March, not? – Ed.) around the union, as they ing ability at our joint pub crawl re- been so far, then? He is hesitant to enough.” Impressive stuff. then Henley Royal Regatta” and Hen- tend to be down by the boathouse any- cently . . . maybe we should work on make much of this question – unsure My next question is about the Boat ley Women’s Regatta in the summer. way. Does he have the time to take a that, but we wouldn’t want to steal whether people are going to be inter- Club itself. Historically, it is one of Im- Building the fastest possible crews to breather and enjoy a drink with your their thunder.” Wise words from the ested or not. I tell him that most stu- perial’s strongest sporting outfi ts, with compete and win at these regattas is rowing mates, I ask – or is the training captain there. dents are interested in seeing the peo- the Putney Boathouse a testament to our focus.” What about BUCS points? regime just too strict? Finally, as is customary, I ask him a ple behind the clubs. “Well, I won three that fact. What is the level of the cur- “BUCS is good fun,” he says, “and According to Patrick, it’s about get- bit about himself. How did he get into BUCS gold medals last year, and came rent senior squad? How has the club we’ll put in a strong performance to ting the balance right: “Training is de- rowing? “I started rowing as a begin- 23rd at Men’s Eights (also in 2011) fared in recent years? do our bit for the uni, but it’s not our manding but there’s a big social side ner in my fi rst year at IC by default – winning a pennant. Patrick proudly admits that “last sea- ultimate goal.” Sport Imperial do have built around the Boathouse and the I was too fat at the time to make the On the back of that, I think it’s safe son saw our best performance in the some lofty objectives for this season, fact that most of us live in Putney. We squash team. It’s incredibly addictive to say: bring on the races! Good luck to last few years”: but I feel that Patrick and the boat club normally save the mad-for-it nights out and I like the potential for personal ICBC for the rest of the season. SPORTISSUE 1502 18.11.11 Rugby: 1st XV edge out Chichester Third win in a row sees 1sts go top of their league

David Wilson “[Chichester] were Rugby using their physical Men’s 1st XV 28 Chichester 1st 24 game to good effect”

Travelling the long distance to Chiches- score, with the conversion added. Go- ter and producing a convincing perfor- ing behind so early did not spring Impe- mance against a physical minded team rial to life but they good pressure deep is not an easy feat and as a result this within Chichester’s half allowed fl y half Imperial lost full back James Hayward and needed to dig deep to rescue their the opposite corner to cut Chichester’s fi xtures has, in recent years, been a tight James Cox to take a penalty opportunity before halftime to a neck injury but game. Wingers Joe Weddon, who was lead to one point with less than fi ve affair. Unsurprisingly, the most recent and cut the defi cit to four points. Al- were able to hold out until the break named man of the match, and Syarif minutes to go. Upon winning a penalty clash was no different, yet the grit and though Chichester may not have had the trailing by just six. Hertog were stretching Chichester out within their own half, Imperial kicked determination shown by Imperial was technical acumen which Imperial pos- Again it was Chichester who had the wide and ultimately it was superior fi t- for territory. typical of the never say die attitude sessed, they were using their physical upper hand at the outset of the second ness which proved to be the decisive in David Wilson shrugged off the aver- which this side has shown over the past game to good effect around the fringes half; despite this good work by the front determining the match. age chat directed at him by Chichester few years. of rucks. Their physical endeavour was row of James Scaife, Roby Kyle and Si- Imperial spread the Chichester defence supporters at the lineout which was won Imperial arrived well ahead of kick rewarded with a second try which was mon Fenton had the upper hand in the on the open side before switching back by Charlie Esberger, Imperial then put off and were able to enjoy a relaxed again converted. Imperial struggled to scrums whilst openside Jack Flanagan to the blind side and slick hands allowed on an impressive drive from outside and lengthy warm up, despite their fi nd an opening and exasperated coach was constantly committing multiple replacement Olisa Ufodiama, on for Mi- the Chichester 22 with Ufodiama at the ideal preparation, it was Chichester who Brimah Kebbie implored them to use defenders to bring him down. Impe- chael O’Connell, to score in the corner. back going over for his second try to struck fi rst. After Imperial put good the open side to greater effect. After rial scored their second try of the match Imperial gave away a needless penal- give Imperial the lead for the fi rst time pressure on the Chichester scrum within good pressure within the Chichester through replacement Josh Lowe but ty within their own 22 which Chiches- in the match, with one minute to go. Im- the Imperial 22 meter line, the ball was half, Imperial were able to use their Chichester were not deterred and a long ter’s full back duly sent over to cushion perial wound down the clock and came recycled and Chichester’s full back driven lineout, caught by Chris Mc- range effort in order to lead 21-13 going their lead. Sensing the game was still away with an impressive victory, which cut between George Lane and Michael Geough, to good effect and come away into the last twenty minutes. Imperial alive, Imperial surged up the pitch after will hopefully spur them on for the rest Floyd in the centre to go through and with fi ve points courtesy of Sean Baker. knew they had a game on their hands the restart and James Cox went over in of the season. SCIENCE BUSINESS ARTS FILM FOOD

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