Issue: 554 www.varsity.cam.ac.uk 08 February 2002 THE CAMBRIDGE STUDENT NEWSPAPER 20p where sold

QUESTION INTERVIEW SPORT Should the British Varsity gets the Men and Women Monarchy be gossip on Hockey Blues abolished? Paul ‘Tad’ Dutton victorious PAGE 8 PAGE 10 PAGE 32

Victory is by no means out of reach as Cambridge competitors have the chance to show which is the better university – PAGE 31 AN END TO ALL CREATION

Oliver Duff tertainment and nightlife to both cur-

rent and prospective students, point- CUSU CUSU Council voted on ing out that Cambridge compares un- Wednesday to bury Creation Ents favourably to many other university deep in the dustbin of Cambridge towns. history. Emma’s Seb Hoyle called the doc- The decision was the result of a ument, "a useful way to analyse the lengthy and heated debate amongst good and bad aspects of past activities the college reps. The controversy sur- and to capitalise on that" but also la- rounding Creation Ents was ignited by belled it "blinkered", in that it "had not the financial debacle surrounding last fully explored all the possible avenues summer’s all-night dance party at for CUSU Ents to be a success in the Oakington. A series of appalling or- future." ganisational blunders, including hav- CUSU admitted: “We recognise ing to buy last-minute provisions of that a reduction in the scale and scope bottled water and failing to take into of CUSU Ents may not be popular. account in the payment of VAT, led to However, our responsibility is to make a final £24,000 deficit. a decision based on the long-term fi- Added to this were the losses made nancial stability of the union.” at the poorly-attended October 2000 In its defence, CUSU can claim Toploader freshers’ gig and the to be learning fast from its mistakes. November 2001 Ministry of Sound Following Creation last summer, more night. CUSU Services Officer Stewart rigorous financial procedures have Morris spoke of the “dire financial been introduced, and despite its loss- prospects” of running similar events es, the Ministry night in November again, explaining that the ‘Creation was far better organised – its low at- Ents’ label was too “tarnished” to hold tendance possibly a result of the “tar- any further credibility. nished Creation brand name”. CUSU This follows the admission in can also point to the continuing pop- CUSU’s recent ‘Ents and Finances’ re- ularity of its midweek nights at Cindy’s port that, “if Creation 2001 had been and Life, which generated a profit of cancelled for any reason at a late stage, £32,000 last year. the total losses to CUSU over the year The decision poses big questions as could have been catastrophic”. Morris to whether or not university-wide ents told college reps not to “pretend that have a future in Cambridge. Morris the current system is working”, stating stated that it would be at least “a few that history proves that Creation Ents years” before such a venture would be “are simply not economically viable” viable, adding that “the only serious – a statement supported by the even- way of moving forward would be to tual £34,000 worth of losses that have a central union building”, allow- CUSU accumulated through Creation ing CUSU to offer cheap events in a alone last year. similar manner to most other student He concluded: “I’m extremely hap- unions. Creation events, however, as py that the motion has passed, as it the ‘Ents and Finance’ report con- gives the Executive a clear direction cluded, had simply become “an un- on ents for the remainder of the year.” bearable burden for CUSU and…an Those opposing the motion high- over-expansion of CUSU’s activities lighted the importance of good en- beyond the point of sustainability”.

The region’s best guide to what’s on – see next Thursday’s Cambridge Evening News 02 NEWS 08 February 2002 A www.varsity.cam.ac.uk Inside this issue…

pg 4 Analysis Valentine RAG One World Week The state of the University Welfare Clare Bielby colleges will meet up to match cou- System ples together. Though personality is With Valentine’s Day approaching, taken into consideration, bribery pg 9 Perspective many will be preparing for yet plays a large role and is the best Should the British another miserable 14th February. chance of securing a “hot” date. monarchy be abolished? But this coming Tuesday sees RAG Shaw informed Varsity: “There’s Blind Date: an opportunity to secure been some bribes that have gone up yourself an eligible partner. to £50.” Corruption? Yes, but for a Over two thousand students took good cause. part in the event last year, raising The full £4 cost of a Blind Date over £8,000. It is RAG’s most lucra- form goes directly to charity. You tive event and it caters for every- and your partner are assured free body. Whether you’re straight, gay, entry to Toxic nightclub, and vari- single, married or in a relationship ous pubs and restaurants are sup- pg 10 Editorial you can enjoy RAG Blind Date. porting the event with special drinks Will Kirby every student to look beyond the Self–loathing and Louise Shaw, RAG President, told offers. next essay crisis and see what’s Science Varsity: “Even if you don’t meet the Paul Wright, Caius’ RAG Officer On Saturday morning ‘One going on in the wider world”. love of your life, it’s a great way to concluded “I don’t know of any World Week’ – a series of During the days there’s a host Inside Living… have a damn good night.” marriages as yet, but I’ve heard events about human rights and of lectures and discussion-based Forms have been on sale all week quite a few stories of couples still environmentalism – was events, all centring broadly and RAG representatives from all being together after a year.” launched outside King’s around human rights issues. The pg 12 Fashion College. programme aims to illuminate the Let’s talk about sex From the eclectic mix of the potential, and real, western programme, it seems the organis- exploitation of the Third World. A pg 14 Science ers hope to temper the fun with major highlight is the alternative Lifts for a noble cause the serious, the escapist with the careers fair, ‘One World Works’, educational. One of the organis- taking place in the Examination ers, Phil McCormish, told Varsity Halls on the New Museums Site. that the event was designed to The evenings are crammed full make politics and culture less of ethnically-based bops, including remote for young people. He said: a Thai party and a Rich/Poor din- “One World Week is all about rais- ner. One World Week is supported ing awareness and combating apa- by the Cambridge University thy: it is about realising that the branch of Oxfam and the Hindu pg 20 Food world goes beyond Girton.” He Cultural Society. A Thai experience described it as being “a chance for www.green.cusu.cam.ac.uk/oww One of these fine specimens could be yours. Inside Arts…

pg 22 Theatre Review Black Comedy, BAR BRAWL Speakers’ Corner The Massacre at Paris, and My Mother said I never Katy Long less mainstream styles of music. It This week, Varsity pits Socialist against neo-Liberal Should also opens every Wednesday to hold King’s Cellar Bar was forced to the only LesBiGay night in the close early on Friday night when University. This diversity in Cellar Socialist neo-Liberal a member of Wolfson College events means that King’s is frequent- Mark Seddon Dr Madsen Pirie started a fight, hitting a ly visited by large groups of students Editor, Tribune Adam Smith Inst. $ Peterhouse student who later from other colleges. Last term an required medical attention. incident also occurred when non-stu- Benn Tony Benn or Tony Blair? Blair Just after midnight, a man emerged dents tried to enter King’s and a Ye s Anything Socialist about New Labour? Not much from the Cellars with blood stream- porter was assaulted. Ye s Capitalism responsible for Third World poverty? No pg 26 Music ing from his face. Shocked students Normally, King’s is one of the easiest Gore Bush or Gore? Bush The search for the alerted the King’s porters, telling colleges to enter: visitors are rarely 9 Bush’s Presidency on a scale of 1-10? 9 definitive indie-kid them there was a fight happening asked for ID. Security was notice- Ye s America’s treatment of Cuba unfair? By now downstairs. Hollie McNish, a King’s ably tighter on Saturday night, as Ye s Camp X-ray inhumane? No pg 28 Film student who witnessed the incident, entry into college ground was Ye s Afghan people better off now Taliban gone? Ye s Monsters Inc reviewed said: “I’m not sure whether the man restricted to Kings’ members and No Enron scandal big enough to topple Bush? No was hit with a bottle or a fist, but the guest numbers to two per student. At Prob. Glad that America won the Cold War? Ye s Inside Sport… cuts to his face were bleeding.” the main college bar, all those buy- Prob. Hilary Clinton to stand for President? Hope not Another bystander added ‘it wasn’t a ing drinks were asked to provide Ye s A Marxist component to political action today? Ye s fight exactly. The man was drunk identification and refused service if No China the last hope for Communism? No pg 30 Football Focus and he was hurt as he tried to inter- unable to prove they were from Ye s Blair’s Higher Education policy anti-egalitarian? No A roundup of college vene’. King’s. Ye s Grants not fees? No football action On arriving, the porters emptied the As Jo Tate, a first-year Kings’ student Ye s Do you smoke? Cigars bar, and having established who had commented: “It’s not any more than Ye s Should cannabis be legalised? Ye s been involved in the incident, many college bars already do, and it No Should cocaine be legalised? Ye s pg 32 Blues Rugby removed them from King’s College is completely understandable. I just Ye s Should Blair tell Press if Leo had MMR vaccine? Ye s Army gunned dowm by grounds. After the ruffian element hope it doesn’t last, because one of Brown Next leader of the Labour party? Blunkett Blakie’s men had been removed students were the things I love about Kings’ is the 70 Labour’s majority after the next Election? Negative allowed back in to carry on enjoying fact it’s so relaxed.” Hollie McNish Mirror Favourite national newspaper? Telegraph the night. added a further comment: “It was a Nero Starbucks or Caffe Nero? Starbucks King’s Cellar Bar is extremely popu- serious incident, but I’m sure that Don’t care Will or Gareth? Gareth lar with students throughout the neither the Cellar Bar nor the college D’n’B Hip-hop or Drum and Bass? D’n’B University. Open every Friday and is going to over-react, and it certain- Varsity Varsity or TCS? Varsity Saturday, it is one of the few colleges ly won’t be the last time a drunk man No Lib Dems to the left of Labour? No to regularly host nights dedicated to takes a swing at someone in a bar.” CNN MTV or CNN? CNN A 08 February 2002 NEWS 03 www.varsity.cam.ac.uk NEWS IN BRIEF CONSERVATIVE FUTURE James Hayton David Benson University’s animal lab rejected Plans to build a new animal testing site Will Gallagher, the new, softer face at 307 Huntingdon Road were dis- of the Cambridge University missed on Wednesday by the South Conservative Association, scored a Cambridgeshire District Council’s partial success last week. He or- Development Control Committee. The ganised a reception in Westminster decision is believed to have been due that gave CUCA members the to fears that the site would attract the chance to meet shadow cabinet min- same kinds of protests that Huntingdon isters in person. Life Sciences experienced last year. The reception was attended by around 80 students, including repre- Man gets someone else’s goat sentatives from OUCA (CUCA’s Rail passengers on their way from Hull Oxford equivalent). Peter Lilley, former to Bridlington this week called police Shadow Chancellor, described the event on their mobile phones after they wit- as a “nostalgia trip”, saying: “I value any nessed Stephen Hall, aged 23, lasso a opportunity to discuss politics with goat with his belt in the Paradise CUCA members. I’m an old CUCA Howard and “Mr Eyebrows” Allotments and then have sex with it. man myself.” Gallagher’s final comment is indica- flect the modernising mantra of the de- A vet who later examined the animal The event is just one example of of CUCA’s Westminster reception al- tive of the feelings of current CUCA feated Portillistas. said it seemed “subdued” by the assault. the supposed transformation taking leged the event was purely “cosmetic”, members. They are faced with the fol- CUCA has a long way to go before Hall was found guilty under Section 12 place in the Conservative party as a and “not a genuine attempt at dialogue”. lowing dilemma: on the one hand they it completes its journey to the political (Buggery) of the Sexual Offences Act whole. Duncan Smith used a speech to Either way, the reception suffered from are young, aspirational political hacks; centre, and even further before it gets 1956. He will be sentenced on March A-level students last Tuesday to unveil Iain Duncan Smith’s failure to turn up. on the other, the Tories are fast becom- the Tory hierarchy to pay attention. 13. Hall commented, “My friends have plans for his party’s first dedicated youth Gallagher, much aggrieved by Duncan ing a minority party. CUCA is acutely Richard Burgon, chair of Cambridge been giving me a lot of stick”. spokesman. In an attempt to re-engage Smith’s absence, criticised his party aware of this. Most of its members Labour Students, dismissed CUCA’s re- with young people, this spokesman will leader in his concluding speech: “I’d like backed Portillo in last year’s leadership forms: “No one who understands the Bush keeps the score on al-Qaida address issues concerning the under-30s to thank all the shadow cabinet mem- contest. They are desperate for their par- appalling social cost of Duncan Smith’s The President of the United States ad- from the Tory front bench. bers who managed to come along,” he ty to adopt a more moderate, modern ideology being implemented between mitted this week that he keeps track of Reaction to this and to other recent said. “At least we know some people care tone. This week CUCA launches 1979 and 1997 will be convinced by the most wanted members of al-Qaida Tory initiatives has been sceptical. Critics about the future of our party.” ‘Focus’, a student think tank that will re- sudden changes of presentation.” on a scorecard, so that he can cross off their faces as they are killed. “One time early on, I said, ‘I’m a baseball fan, I want a scorecard,’” Bush told the Washington Post. “When you’re fight- Camp Controversy Price of Casual Sex ing an enemy like al-Qaida, people – including me – don’t have a sense of Eve Woolfson these practices are in contraven- Oliver Duff The rampant spread of STIs casts a who we’re fighting. And I actually have tion of International Law and Islamic gloomy shadow of uncertainty over the got a chart,” Mr Bush said. It’s under- Controversial pictures published religious principles. Geoffrey Britain is suffering from a sexu- increasingly relaxed sexual climate – stood the President recently won ten in this week’s British press have Hawthorn, Professor of International ally transmitted infections epidem- infections such as genital herpes are jellybeans off Donald Rumsfeld in the sparked international debate Politics at Cambridge University, ar- ic, with huge numbers of young peo- treatable but not curable, and AIDS and daily White House top-trumps con- over the American treatment of gues that although the prisoners are ple often unknowingly “sharing hepatitis B are potentially fatal. ference with a 100-point ‘Fahid El- Afghan prisoners in Camp X-Ray. being demeaned in “small ways”, on around” potent viruses, claim re- CUSU Welfare Officer Helen Evans Hoorie’. This contentious issue has the whole they are treated well. ports in the media this week. said: “A frightening complacency has reached us here in Cambridge as “They’re being fed and watered and Diagnoses of almost every STI have developed, and sexual health in gen- Ex-stripper to be stripped of office professors and student groups generally cared for, for instance med- risen dramatically during the last five eral has been overlooked. For some time Koleen Brooks, Mayor of Georgetown, alike are debating the morality ically, in a reasonable way”. CAM- years, in some cases to an astonishing CUSU has been very concerned about Colorado and former stripper at of US behaviour toward these sus- SAW disagrees. Spokesperson David degree. Statisticians report a 74 percent the rising figures for STIs amongst Shotgun Willie’s in Denver, may be pected terrorists. Babbs stated that Human Rights are increase in gonorrhea since 1995, with young people, and takes them very se- impeached. The townsfolk have ap- Camp X-Ray is located in universal and no matter how small, an even more frightening 211 percent riously, as is demonstrated by the work parently lost patience with her incom- Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, one of any impingement on these is under- rocket in the incidences of syphilis in we undertake.” Amongst other things, petence, repeated breast flashing which America’s oldest military bases. Post- mining civil liberty. men in the past three years. CUSU distribute sexual health packs to allegedly took place at Dexter’s Tavern September 11th, it has been home to The issue of Camp X-ray is prov- However, it is the increase in diag- freshers and this October gave presen- and, she admits, at the Red Dam restau- over 100 al-Qaeda terrorists sus- ing very divisive. Certain groups ar- noses of chlamydia – an insidious bac- tations to new students in fifteen colleges. rant. She is also alleged to have ordered pected of associations with Osama gue that given the nature of the terial infection with few early symptoms “I would strongly urge any student a hit on one of the town’s two police- Bin Laden. Last Sunday, several crimes al-Qaeda perpetrated against but which can cause infertility and ec- who is, has been, or might be sexually men. She claims to be a victim of a newspapers carried photographs of America, some punishment of al- topic pregnancies in women if left un- active to take an active interest in their gerontocratic mafia (though of course prisoners at Camp X-Ray kneeling Qaeda members is justified. treated - that is most worrying. It is own sexual health,” emphasises Evans. not words of that length). It is not chained and blindfolded behind wire Cambridge Student Liberal thought that one person in ten is now This is a point echoed by LBG known whether she is considering a cages, as well as one disturbing im- Democrats take a different view. A unknowingly infected. Of particular con- Communications Officer Nick Hughes: run for the CUSU presidency though age of a wounded Afghan being tak- spokesman said: “Any form of de- cern is the fact that the rise is most vir- “a basic knowledge of what you have to she would have Varsity’s full backing. en for interrogation on a trolley, un- grading treatment to these people is ulent among girls aged 16 to 19, some do to avoid such diseases reduces the der the caption “shackled and wrong, and only helps to loose the of whom now face a future without chil- risk of catching them by a huge Boredom: The way forward? sedated”. The US Defence Secretary hard won moral high ground which dren. amount.” Dr Teresa Belton of the University of Donald Rumsfeld dismissed these al- the anti-terrorist coalition has built These figures are undoubtedly in part Anyone who is concerned that they East Anglia announced this week the legations as “ill-informed”, claiming up.” CAMSAW take a similar line: due to the public’s greater willingness may have an STI or who has a sexual findings of her research into childhood that there is no cause for concern “Mistreating the prisoners is hardly to be checked for venereal disease at sex- health query can visit Clinic 1A at development: “There is a growing over the prisoners’ well-being. He enhancing America’s standing ual health clinics – one journalist re- Addenbrookes in complete confidence trend in middle-class and wealthier said that the prisoners were given abroad, or helping to improve rela- cently described the waiting room of a and anonymity, or contact families to structure non-stop activities shelter from the rain, and fed three tions with those countries opposed London centre as being “about as quiet [email protected], college nurs- for their children in the belief this is es- “culturally appropriate” meals a day. to the attack on Afghanistan”. as the M25 in rush hour”. es, the University Counselling Service sential to ensure they are one or two Human Rights groups such as Whether America has a legitimate Young people are reportedly less like- or Cambridge dHIVerse. For further ad- steps ahead of others…But parents Amnesty International this week de- right to treat the terrorists harshly or ly to use a condom than in the previous vice on sexual health, safer sex and oth- must realise they have to give their chil- manded access to Camp X-Ray to is simply inviting international con- decade, and are a generation too late to er related issues, see the CUSU ‘Welfare dren time to chill out, to relax and even investigate claims that prisoners are demnation, this emotive debate con- have absorbed the chilling government Handbook’ or LesBiGay’s ‘Freedom become bored.” It is unclear, howev- under sensory deprivation and made tinues to cause a rift in both world AIDS campaign of the 1980s featur- Book’. And remember, as CUSU say, er, whether there would be enough to have their beards cut off. Both of and Cambridge politics. ing tombstones and icebergs. don’t rock before you roll. places at UEA to go around. 04 NEWS ANALYSIS 08 February 2002 A www.varsity.cam.ac.uk STRESS AND SUPPORT Discrimination The state of the University welfare system Tim Stanley time and a lot of work to establish a Susannah Nightingale formula that everyone is happy At a university renowned for its with.” Mark Phippen does, howev- Rob Sharp lofty academic standards and Drake Kieran er, have some interesting and cre- leaden workload, it seems self-ev- ative ideas for the further develop- ident that the strain might some- ment of pastoral care in Cambridge, times overwhelm students. Which though he feels that it is already NatSci is prepared for five and a among the best provisions national- half days of lectures each week ly. He is interested in encouraging and which arts student feels able more preventative work, providing In order to brighten up those dull, to manage her work independ- “support for those who support stu- sexually frustrating January days, ently? And what happens when dents”. This might take the form of God created JCR elections. Here’s other problems get in the way of liaison with and even training for col- a cautionary tale to help you your academic devotion: parental lege tutors and welfare officers, as avoid social embarrassment in the troubles, relationship grief, be- well as the promotion of workshop post election haze. Taking a mid- reavement or depression? What sessions to combat common prob- night stroll the evening after I does Cambridge offer its under- equipment and relevant information. The magnitude of this need is re- lems, and the expansion of group chanced upon a young French graduates in the way of pastoral There are various volunteer-run or- flected in the number of students work. Hopefully, such measures thing who’d stood for my college support? ganisations in Cambridge, catering who use the service: last year, might slow down the growth of the in the recent election. Racking my The tutorial system is widely tout- to a spectrum of issues including eat- around 1000 students were seen, and waiting list, so that the UCS can re- gin soaked brain, I told him I’d ed as the first port of call, with the ing disorders, sexual health, sexual- there are over 200 receiving regular main as responsive and efficient as voted for him. “No you didn’t,” official purpose of offering informal, ity and general support, but these counselling at any time. Mark possible. was his reply. “I stood for non-academic support. Although tend to be phone line services: in- Phippen, head of the UCS, says that The diverse advantages of study Overseas Welfare Officer and you fundamentally a helpful idea, it of- valuable for one-off support or in- the number of students seeking in Cambridge cannot be denied, but aren’t from overseas.” ten collapses in practice. The slight- formation, but less useful for ongo- counselling has risen by around 10% Not only does such petty politi- ly detached air of many Cambridge ing problems. every year for the past five years, and “It is essential that cally correct niggling open an avenue academics seems to reduce their ca- this is on the increase: at times, there a system so geared for incredible embarrassment, but it pacity to help with emotional or “The number of is a much greater demand for the towards success also smacks of racism. Why should- practical problems. One tutor, re- students seeking service than can be satisfied. The tar- n’t the overseas position be open to cently approached with complaints get waiting time for an initial con- remain aware of the English? After all I’ve been over- about thoroughly insufficient com- counselling has sultation is currently one week, al- the dangers of seas many times, and could well be puting facilities, replied quite calm- risen by around though this has been unattainable in overwork” capable of representing the interests ly that the best solution would be for 10% a year for the periods of high demand, such as last of overseas students. This isn’t pure- the student to purchase her own past five years” term (November to February is gen- it is essential that a system so geared ly bitterness, though it is true that my computer and printer. In any case, erally the busiest period). After the towards success remain aware of the new Officer did once vomit in both many students have never even met first appointment, most people will dangers of overwork, and the po- my rooms on the same night. But I’m their tutor, or find him/her unap- According to Helen Evans, CUSU wait an average of three more weeks tentially disruptive effects of exter- sure I know an awful lot more than proachable. Perfectly understand- Sabbatical Welfare Officer, “it is to be offered a regular slot, but ap- nal factors. In a place brimming over Abhiroop Lal does about Italy and able, given their usual seniority with- the University (as a public servant), pointments are not allocated on a with achievement, the student who Bali. in college. Tutors’ pastoral role is just not the college, which has a legal first come, first served basis: each in- is not managing as well as s/he feels Moreover why shouldn’t men be one among many, and clearly they ‘duty of care’ to the student when it dividual’s need is assessed, so that s/he should, for whatever reason, able to stand for Womens’ Officer? I too are under other pressures, such comes to welfare support and coun- urgent cases will be seen as quickly might easily feel embarrassed or was told that to stand for the position as their own academic work. While selling.” An important facility pro- as possible. Phippen concedes, “At ashamed: the threat of failure is con- one had to self-define as a woman, tutorial support can be invaluable in vided to this end is the University times, the waiting lists are longer stant, perhaps more so than else- an argument full of holes, since it puts financial and academic matters, it Counselling Service, funded partly than we feel comfortable with, but where. It is, therefore, imperative forward the sexist notion that a mem- cannot, and does not claim to satis- by the University and partly on a per we are working hard to counter that the welfare network is promot- ber of one gender is incapable of fy all pastoral needs. capita basis by the colleges. The serv- that.” ed to all students, so that everyone looking after the interests of another. College JCR Welfare Officers and ice offers confidential counselling He cites recent increases in fi- knows where help is available. Those of us with ideals don’t find life CUSU Welfare, generally more ap- with either a behavioural or psycho- nancial pressure on students, the na- Services such as the UCS can pro- in Cambridge that easy. A lot of the proachable figures, can offer valu- logical approach, determined after tional rise in divorce rates and in de- vide superb support, and their fund- time it’s better to pull down the blinds able guidance to students, normally an initial consultation. It also runs pression among young people as ing should reflect this. If demand for and keep the champagne pouring in the form of information as to various support groups for specific potential contributing factors to the them continues to escalate, one can and pretend things like JCR elections where specific help can be found; issues such as eating disorders, pro- ever increasing demand for coun- only hope that the University and aren’t happening at all. Gentlemen this is certainly a useful starting crastination (?) and revision. Offering selling. “We live and work in a won- colleges will respond with sufficient don’t stand. So gentlemen won’t vote. point. Practical help with specific is- students the chance to receive pro- derful university, but there is a lot of capital. Mental health does, after all, When I voted mentally in the post sues such as disability or dyslexia can fessional support in absolute confi- pressure to succeed coming from often prove useful in academic en- room, studying the faces of all my be provided by the centralised dence, quite separate from their ac- various sources, including the de- deavours. candidates, I decided that if I did Disability Resource Centre, which ademic environment, these are partments and students’ families.” Information about the university vote, I’d go for the prettiest and the offers individual assessment, loan of plainly much-needed provisions. He also points out that the stigma at- counselling service can be found on the ones who hadn’t chosen a picture tached to counselling is on the de- website: www.counselling.cam.ac.uk of themselves drunk/wearing a false cline, so that students are more like- afro/looking into car headlights. As About the counselling service ly to ask for help when they need it, such, the only two people I would and GPs, tutors and welfare officers Who to turn to… vote for were uncontested anyway • Since 1995 the number of students visiting the are much more likely to make re- Chaplain because no one would dare run University Counselling Service has increased by 10% an- ferrals. Friend against such beauty. Of course I nually With demand evidently on the Tutor would’ve voted for all of them if increase, it is possible that the UCS Counselling Service they’d bought me a drink. • Those most likely to require counselling are gradu- might eventually have significant ates, women, international students and arts students problems in responding to students’ needs. Predictably, funding seems • Last year 960 students used the University Counselling to be an issue: Helen Evans points Service i.e. 6% of the student body out that “Colleges see student wel- fare as their domain, and are willing Appointments at the UCS can be arranged by email to contribute financially, but when [email protected] or phone 323865 central services such as UCS try to negotiate a funding agreement with all 32 colleges, it can take a long

06 NEWS ANALYSIS 08 February 2002 A www.varsity.cam.ac.uk Cambridge Celebrates Golden Jubilee

Gabrielle Bradfield Meanwhile, the University itself will The controversy has been borne views on celebrating the monarchy are more interesting, more important be sending a telegram of congratula- out across the political divides of the clear. “If we can’t afford to drop the and more relevant things to celebrate As the Queen’s Golden Jubilee ap- tions to the Palace. An official serv- university. CUCA, the Cambridge whole of third world debt, pay for hos- than the Golden Jubilee.” proaches,our University finds itself ice of thanksgiving will take place at University Conservative Association, pitals without handing them over to So just what will your average in a rather bizarre position.The un- Great St Mary’s and the university are unsurprisingly supportive of the private companies or fund free Higher Cambridge student in the street be do- easy alliance between blazered- buildings will be joyously decked out monarchy and everything it stands for. Education and restore the mainte- ing about the jubilee? Judging from conservative and woolly-liberal/ker- in flags. CUSU will not be organising “The monarchy is an important part nance grant, how can we afford to con- hoards that stood waving in the rain azy-anarchist that lies at the heart anything themselves. President Pav of British heritage, and no political cor- tinue handing huge sums of money when the Queen arrived on King’s of Cambridge student life is thrown over to the royal family? The royals Parade last year, and the way the into sharp relief. Students and es- “The monarchy is an important part of British should be stripped of any remaining Union has been packed out beyond tablishment alike are taking up heritage,and no political correctness should powers they have, have their huge capacity for recent guests Princess their positions on the issue of the cause us to be embarrassed about celebrating wealth taxed and should stop receiv- Anne and Princess Margaret, the moment: whether or not to sup- the Golden Jubilee ing civil list payments.” Sean Hartnoll, chances are that this is going to be yet port official Jubilee celebrations. ” the Socialist Workers’ man in another poor show for the radical Wherever it’s the principle,as they Akhtar stressed that it was a matter for rectness should cause us to be em- Cambridge, agreed, saying that camp. So roll out the flags, renew your say, it’s always the money. And in- college authorities and unions to de- barrassed about celebrating the “Spending money on public celebra- membership of CUCA: thy com- evitably,the debate on Jubilee cen- cide, adding, “we certainly do not ‘ap- Golden Jubilee,” said Will Gallagher, tions per se is not a bad thing but there memorative mug runneth over. tres on the question of just how prove’ or ‘disapprove’ of what indi- CUCA President. But Richard much money anyone can justify vidual JCRs and MCRs spend their Burgon, Gallagher’s Labour counter- spending on the Queen’s big bash. money on. That’s up to them and we part, was less enthusiastic. In contrast Here in Cambridge, there should support them whatever they do.” to the official Parliamentary Labour be a variety of events going on. Chris Hilton, the Trinity Hall JCR Party line, he counts himself as a re- Cambridge City Council will be mak- President, said, “I’m a great royalist my- publican. “Although some people ing grants available to organisations self and my committee and I are very complain that Tony Blair is too pow- that want to do something at a local lev- keen indeed to do something for it, be- erful, I’d much rather he were our el to mark the event. Sums of money cause Her Majesty the Queen was President. There is more to Britain’s have already been allocated to groups Trinity Hall’s official visitor last year. greatness than the monarchy, the for manufacturing commemorative We might organise a fancy dress Royal foundation of the Welfare State, for ex- trinkets and organising parties for Bop.” King’s, however, will be taking a ample. But we mustn’t forget that disadvantaged members of the com- rather different stance. Josh Reddaway, some good things came out of the 1977 munity. The council are also hoping to King’s College Student Union external Jubilee, a great Sex Pistols song, for in- incorporate a Golden Jubilee theme officer, explained, “A little known fact stance.” into a large civic event during the sum- about King’s College is that the student Elsewhere, the real radicals about mer, the identity of which is being kept body declared itself a socialist republic town are, as ever, making their stand. a closely guarded secret. While street in the mid-1980s. KCSU will not be cel- Helen Salmon, a member of the parties are not officially recommend- ebrating the ‘Queen’s’ Jubilee this year National Union of Students executive ed, there will be funding available for but will wait two years to celebrate twen- council and a staunch supporter of the street closures if residents ask. ty years of republicanism.” Socialist Workers’ Party made her Queen’s last visit to Cambridge, opening the Faculty of Divinity When bad business is good business

Ed Dallal on the ethics of UK foreign policy The ECGD is underwriting a pro- ronmental and social issues inherent in posed BAE export of aviation equip- the project.” Now, another British com- At the1997 Denver G7 summit,our Look for example at the arms trade. ment costing £28 million which goes far pany, AMEC, is applying for ECGD glorious leader Tony promised to The ECGD has always been heavily Botterill Tim beyond anything the country needs. backing for another Dam at Yusufeli in take “environmental factors into ac- involved in the UK arms industry, Even the IMF and World Bank are Turkey with many of the issues raised count when providing financing sup- most famously in selling Saddam the threatening to cease all loans to the coun- by the Ilisu Dam in the air again. port for investment in infrastruc- weapons he used in the Gulf War. As try if this deal goes ahead. So why does There is currently a campaign un- ture and equipment.” How then,can a 1992 House of Commons debate re- the ECGD support such schemes? 250 derway by Friends of the Earth, our unswervingly honest govern- vealed, “the British taxpayer stands to British jobs are the reason. It’s nice to Kurdish Human Rights and Mark ment have working for it a depart- foot £170 million to pay for the equip- know that our national ethics can be set Thomas (comedian/activist) to force ment whose actions ignore frequent ment that we provided for Saddam’s aside when a few British jobs are at stake. the ECGD to legally binding sustain- government pledges to have an ‘eth- war machine. We did not just arm his The Ilisu Dam proposed for the able development standards. The best ical foreign policy?’ This department forces – we paid for them into the bar- Kurdish region of Turkey threatened to bet for a concerned Cambridge student is known as the Export Credit gain.” flood and destroy the homes of up to would be to contact People and Planet, Guarantee Department (ECGD). So, has the ECGD cleared up its act 78,000 ethnic Kurds with no proposed a Cambridge society which is heavily In their own words the ECGD aims since then? The answer is simply, no. resettlement plan. Balfour-Beatty was involved in these issues and had this to “to help UK exporters compete effec- In 1998/9 the ECGD had new busi- the company who applied for export say on the ECGD; “It is one thing for tively in overseas markets by arrang- ness worth £3.3 billion, of which 51% credit which was under consideration a Government to be business-friendly, ing finance facilities and credit insur- was classified as military. In that year one to India, and huge dam projects and would most likely have gone ahead but quite another for it to place corpo- ance for contracts ranging from around £600 million of cover was given to the to China and Turkey. In short, the were it not for the efforts of combined rate interests and British jobs above the £20,000 up to hundreds of millions of sale of defence equipment to ECGD completely ignores environ- NGOs who persuaded Balfour-Beatty livelihoods and human rights of peo- pounds.” That means the taxpayer’s Indonesia, a country whose human mental issues despite government as- to pull out due to “commercial, envi- ple abroad.” money is used to insure deals by UK rights record is appalling. The UK is surances. exporters with foreign governments the world’s second largest arms ex- Finally, the ECGD is responsible The ECGD in Brief and if those governments default, we porter and much of this highly uneth- for much of the Third World debt • Originally set up in 1919 to help British exporters re-establish foot the bill. This is no minor under- ical trade is facilitated by the good old owed to Britain. For every project their trading positions following the disruption caused by the Great taking; the department underwrites on ECGD. where the ECGD has to meet the costs War average over £4 billion of UK exports But if we didn’t do it, someone else because the foreign government has • Today derives its powers from the 1991 Export and Investment every year. would, right? Maybe, but wait, there’s defaulted on payment, the cost is sim- Guarantees Act helps UK manufacturers and investors trade overseas So what is wrong with giving UK more…Friends of the Earth regard the ply added to their outstanding and of- by providing them with insurance and/or backing for finance to pro- companies a competitive edge? Well, ECGD as the least green branch of ten financially crippling national debt. tect against non-payment. nothing, in principal, but it is the nature government. Environmentally un- An estimated 95% of debt owed by For further information, see the ECGD website: http://www.ecgd.gov.uk/, of the companies and of the projects sound projects include three massive Southern countries to the UK is in the or Cambridge People and Planet website: http://go.to/campp that should cause eyebrows to raise. coal-fired power stations to China and form of export credit debt. A 08 February 2002 EDITORIAL NEWS 07 www.varsity.cam.ac.uk

Editorial: The death of modern thinking…

As a ruddy-cheeked, doe-eyed need to understand what the f**k schoolboy, no more than ten years- MMR means,” his supporters cried. old, I opened the badly-oiled, oak- The problem is; no-one wants to panelled door of my college ca- study science; it’s boring, it’s unassail- reers office. “I would like, sir, to able. Popular scientists are ostracised become an astronaut,” I squeaked because they’re accused of selling out. demonstratively to the ageing Natural Sciences dons wouldn’t both- crusty, for even then I had a fun- er making their subject less an object damental grasp of ironic grandil- of ridicule because they’re too busy oquence. abusing the diligence of the people that Instead of helping me achieve my apply to do it. First year Cambridge pro-active goals, improving my com- ‘NatScis’ have one of the highest work- munication skills and wiping my arse, loads in the country, and seldom have the old fart handed me a multiple time to do anything else. So much choice questionnaire. After comple- for breadth of educational experience. tion, the medley of boxes were fed into CP Snow’s thirties-grounded a dilapidated Turing machine, ‘Deep Cambridge education is often cited as Careerist Thought’ which vibrated for the beginning of such bolshy cross-dis- several million computations before ciplinary talk. Cambridge students like spewing forth an answer. The answer, the youthful Snow make it their pre- my answer, stared up at me curtly from rogative to experiment with intellec- the results slip. “Research Scientist”, it tualism like the true wankers they pre- said. It all went downhill from there. tend not to be. Yet the fundamental The problem with specialisation fault lies at the feet of British second- is that it breaks down the links be- ary education. People at school and tween the arts and sciences. I real- college are force-fed facts to regurgi- specialise in. ‘Those who can’t, teach,’ ly want to understand post-mod- tate like parrots without a true under- and that’s the way it’s generally always Letter of the week ernism, I want to impress my standing of science. Modular exams been, despite fluffy, self-deprecating The winner of the letter of the week receives two free tickets parents, I want to read a single pa- destroy expansion between subjects PR campaigning. to the Arts Picture House per in Nature then write White Teeth. and wider reading, and the poor qual- Whatever. Let’s acquiesce. I’m Martin Kettle, to the pervasive cha- ity and training of teachers often forces gonna put all of my efforts into be- How delightful it Many colleges do not even ad- grin of the scientific community, crit- pupils to take out private tuition. It also coming a ‘full-time dilettante’ and was to see justice mit other college undergrads dur- icised the teaching of science in The means that ‘Sir’ and ‘Miss’ don’t un- screw everything else. done last week. Our esteemed bar ing exam term. Yet Homerton un- Guardian last week. “The public derstand anything except what they Rob Sharp manager Franc Meechan, was right- dergoes the conference influx fully cleared of assault. Although which regularly takes up a third of greater note was the fact that of the Great Hall, and results in men or women. And are they inter- he admitted under oath to ad- exam-taking students queuing for Unbelievable Belgian ested in this discussions? Have they dressing a student, during term their grub far off into the distance. interests of meeting us. We maybe time, on college property with the At last we shall be able to regale In last weeks Varsity in the article First of all, my english in this mail will have got a lot to offer to each other words “I’m going to knock your them with happy cries of “Piss off!”, “Everyone’s on Ecstasy”, you refer to probably be bad...excuse me for that. (publications, discussions, even fucking block off!” and yet remains “Get out of my chair you bitch.” 2% of the Cambridge student popu- Let me introduce myself. I am student European cooperation…). Can you in employment. (Varsity last week). and “Who gives a flying fuck about lation who regularly take the drug. I at the University of Leuven (Belgium). bring these witers, publishers or oth- Members of staff are by defini- Leeman Brothers?” am a PhD student about to run a I have a lot of interests in art. With er students who just are interested tion expected to be conversant with In fact I’m just off to inform my study on the long term effects of other students, I’ve got my art maga- in contact with me? college rules of behaviour to a supervisor that the non-submission MDMA and I need people who have zine. Its name: Van Nu & Straks. Hans De Boeck greater degree than students. So at of one of my essays is due to the taken a moderate amount (at least 30 My question to you: I saw on the in- KULeuven (Belgium) last it seems we can finally herald fact that she’s a cock shy muff- pills) for about 2 hours testing. If any- ternet that the university of a new era of free speech within muncher. If she doesn’t like it I’ll one in that 2% is reading this please Cambridge has a lot of art and litera- Debasing Homerton College. Could it be that cheerfully inform her of my inten- could you contact me! Complete ture-projects. So, a lot of students the days when students faced in- tion to shove my fist through her anonymity is guaranteed, as is pay- must be involved. In an article of Where are my cinema tickets, you stant rustication for being abusive throat. Oh happy day. ment. Emily Haworth-Booth in “Varsity”, magazine-name-changing louts? to conference guests are now long Anonymous Jon Roiser she mentions even a “Cambridge lit- James Bench-Capon gone? Homerton Trinity erary scene”. Do you know any of this Editor, Clareification

The A Team : If you would like to contribute to Varsity, turn up to a section meeting (times below) at the Varsity offices (unless otherwise indicated) or email a section editor

Editor: Rob Sharp [email protected] Chief News Editor: David Benson Business Manager: Ed Hall [email protected] News Editors: Oliver Duff, James Hayton, Katy Long (Mon 4 pm) [email protected] Technical Director: Tim Harris News Analysis Editors: Hugh Collins, Neil Ramsorrun (Fri 4 pm Bath Ale House [email protected] Company Secretary: Diana Tapp News Perspective Editor: Anna Gunn (E-mail for details) [email protected] Deputy Editor: Will Bland [email protected] Living Editor: Anushka Asthana [email protected] Director of Design: James O’Connor [email protected] Science Editor: Tim Jarratt (Mon 6 pm) [email protected] Fashion Editors: Clemmie Burton-Hill, Mike Dixon (E-mail for details) [email protected] Snr Design Consultant: Will Hill Interviews Editor: Jack Thorne (E-mail for details) [email protected] Design Consultants: Debbie Barrow, Claire Parker, Gemma Partridge, Gary White Satire Editors: Joe Craig, Ali Smart [email protected] Production Manager: Jim Minter [email protected] Food Editors: Johan Duramy, Charlie Rahtz [email protected] Online Webmaster: Alex Mathy [email protected] Travel Editor: Julia Mason (E-mail for details) [email protected] Online Editor: Jon Mills [email protected] Arts Editors: Sarah Savitt, Dave Thorley [email protected] Photos Editor: Kieran Drake [email protected] Theatre Editors: Fiona Kelcher, Mark Richards (Fri 5 pm Bar Ha!Ha!) [email protected] Sport Photos Editor: Rowan Huppert Film Editor: Howard Gooding (Thu 5 pm The Anchor) [email protected] Senior Page Setters: James Southgate (Technical), Tom Walters (Design) Music Editors: Jonny Anstead, Ed Maxwell (Fri 4 pm The Eagle) [email protected] Page Setters: Christian Ashby, Suli Chen, Simon Dangoor, Phil Earis, Tori Classical Music Editor: Rebecca Taylor (Wed 5.30 pm Eagle) [email protected] Flower, Wenjun Hu, Sean Parris, Laurence Tailby, Fran Turner Literature Editor: Sameer Rahim (Mon 5.30 pm) [email protected] Subeditors: Daniel Crompton (Chief), Sophie Davies, Gavin Kermack, Visual Arts Editor: Hannah Barry (Tue 5 pm The Vaults) [email protected] Emily Norton, Jonathan Styles, Helene Williamson Sport Editors: Nick King, Ben Speight (Fri 3pm Maypole) [email protected] 08 NEWS PERSPECTIVE 08 Febuary 2002 A www.varsity.cam.ac.uk Should the British Monarchy be abolished?

Anna Gunn elephant and a canary by foreign heads the dignity of royal ceremony, pointing the top three factors attracting tourists of state and inspired everyone from the out that even the worst annus horribilis to the UK to spend their money. “The It was fifty years ago last Wednesday Sex Pistols to Lucien Freud. Prince is preferable to the squalid squabbles Queen factor” is especially important that Her Majesty Elizabeth Phillip, by contrast, has (according to over Florida and the US Head of State. for the American market, less so for Alexandra Mary Windsor the the Movement Against the Monarchy ) Others note the Crown’s million pound the German one, but it is certainly the Second,“The Queen” for short,ac- shot some 15,000 pheasants, 2 croco- price tag and suggest that toe-sucking, case that many foreigners perceive a ceded the throne.You might have no- diles and a tiger. The Chancellor of pot-smoking, fox-shooting elitist toffs visit to Buckingham Palace or the ticed the Union Jacks flying from var- Cambridge University is perhaps most are hardly the dignified representatives changing of the guard as an impor- ious Cambridge colleges. Across the famous for a series of unfortunate re- of modern Britain at all. tant reason to visit these Isles. Tourism country,celebrations and to a lesser marks, regarding Indians, the Scottish Whichever way you look at it, the as an industry accounts for almost 5% extent protests have been planned and the banning of cricket bats. monarchy is a prominent part of British of British GNP, and employs some to mark the Golden Jubilee year. The Royal Family polarises opinion. life. The Queen’s impact on tourism is 2.1 million people. During her reign, Her Majesty has They’re wildly popular with most of the not be understated; she is a national as- Although the BTA is unsure what conferred 380,630 honours and awards, country, but repeatedly inspire fierce set, our very own Mickey Mouse. effect the abolition of the monarchy received 3 million letters and made no opposition from a significant minori- Surveys conducted by the British would have on this sector, these are fewer than 4,632 speeches. She has vis- ty, who regard them as “the nation’s Tourist Authority repeatedly show certainly figures worth keeping in ited over 325 countries, been given an biggest estate scroungers.” Some love that “Heritage and Royalty” is one of mind.

Jonny Mather Lucy Taylor Girton College Fitwilliam College

Yes Drake Kieran No Everyday we hear various politi- I thought I was a fairly liberal, for- cians, journalists and commentators ward-thinking, rational person. attacking social and racial injustice But then, last year, The Queen in the way the country is run: came to open the Divinity Faculty. Oxbridge is criticised for having too Suddenly there I was standing many students from independent tall, filled with an inexplicable schools, the old school tie is held up pride. Was it a pride in being as though it should be burned at the British? I am not sure. stake, and any hint of “jobs for the What I can tell you is that I am a boys” or cronyism is sniffed out and monarchist. I like the idea of there be- lambasted by the national press. ing something above party politics, It is admirable that we should be en- above endless squabbles, back-stab- deavouring to create a nation in which bing and sleaze. I like the idea of family background is not to be an ad- someone in the public eye who is not vantage in securing jobs or senior po- subject to the whims of the people. We sitions, and the strength of this move- are marking the Golden Jubilee to cel- ment towards a more egalitarian state ebrate the one constant in the whirl- seems to be growing ever stronger. Why wind of government. Parliaments last then is the monarchy – the epitome of five years, with seemingly endless power conveyed through birth – the reshuffles, but the Queen has been greatest example of undemocratic elec- around for 50 years (and my college tion, the very pinnacle of inequality, left Corgies and clergymen: perpectives on the Royal Family isn’t even that old!). For five decades well alone and largely ignored by the she has been an ambassador for the national press? How can we claim to UK, keeping coherence in the com- live in a meritocracy, to have a fair and Abolishing the monarchy immediately brings for many older people the relationship between the Queen and monwealth and representing us just society, when the role of the head to mind what alternatives are on offer. Every state Prince Philip provides an example of a stable, loving marriage abroad. Other countries even envy us: of state is determined not by ability or has to have a Head of State and the concept of an that has endured for 54 years. The changing attitudes towards you need only look at the queues into suitability, but by lineage? “American style presidency fills me with horror. If we opt- religious and spiritual beliefs amongst younger people are en- Buck House to grasp at the fascination Journalists remain afraid to tackle ed for a presidency let’s face it, who would be the most shrined in Prince Charles’ wish to change the title ‘Defender of people still have with monarchy. the issue of the Royal Family serious- likely candidates for office, undoubtedly a politician the Faith’ to ‘Defender of Faith’. The monarchy has, particu- Forget what people tell you about ly, because the Windsors still have a would be elected – President Thatcher? President Blair? larly since Diana’s death, accepted a need to change, has adapt- the cost of the monarchy. You could strangely enduring popularity with a A head of State requires a sense of loyalty and respect which ed itself and sought to modernise. It will continue to do so. At not spend the money on hospitals, it public that is desperate to cling on to is more commanding than the Prime Minister. A head of State the same time it provides a sense of continuity and ritual that would be spent on her replacement, any last vestige of Britishness. The gives life to the importance of ritual and tradition which tries can give our divided post-modern society some sense of co- probably President Blair (excuse me Royals represent the final bastion to remind us of the importance of living together in a sense of herence. Let’s keep party divisions away from the Head of State while I wretch), and on the various against increasing Europeanisation harmony. In many ways the monarchy now serves a quasi-re- and try to rise above the petty squabbles of politicians. representatives who would do HM’s and immigration, while providing a ligious function for many people. It serves this in two functions, Marcus Ramshaw, Chaplain of Downing former jobs. Who, not born to it, last tentative link with our colonial would have the time or patience to past. It seems that the attraction of the Speaking as a US citizen, we abolished our Majesty’s dogs would not well be provided for, fear not. open countless hospital wards and glamorous royal lifestyle, the soap monarchy in 1776 and all that. However, If the Monarchy were abolished, there would” be watch unending fly-pasts? Who but opera of royal affairs, and the glitz of we’ve noted that many Americans are in- more work for the Lesser Corgi Society. This fine group The Queen has the dignity to listen to large royal events conceal the in- veterate Royalists as long as the royals stay on their was established in Seattle in the mid 1990s to work to- people and make them feel special? equality right before their eyes. “side of the pond. CorgiAid was established to pro- ward defaming the reputation of Pembroke and I felt the magic royal touch on that If we are to support a multicultur- vide funds for rescue of the Welsh Corgi dog breeds, Cardigan Welsh Corgi dogs, since the breeds were sud- rainy day at the Sidgwick site. Many al Britain, if we are to see the true and we keep getting asked, “Corgis?” and an- denly becoming altogether too popular. The Queen’s of you were also there, and we all shame of our imperial past, rather than swering, “Sure, you know, The Queen’s dog”. dogs do so much to further the work of the Lesser Corgi cheered together. In the end, that is glory in it, to realize that life can go on Which Queen it is, of course, is understood. Society, every time they bite a footman or a maid. If the what will keep the monarchy in this without a few silly men in fancy dress If the Monarchy were abolished, would we need to Monarchy were abolished, the Lesser Corgi Society country. riding horses around the streets of rescue The Queen’s corgis and dorgis? Our organisa- would have to pick another prominent person with a London, and to move once and for all tion is a non-profit one, and includes the funding of res- significant lack of success at dog training to be their pa- Next weeks issue: away from the last vestiges of the feu- cues for corgi mixes – so The Queen’s and Princess tron. Frankly, Her Majesty and the Queen Mum have Is Ethical Investment a dal system, then the nation must re- Margaret’s incredibly ugly corgi-dachshund crosses that done such a good job, we’d hate to change now. So, on realistic possibility? alize its own hypocrisy and hold the they call “dorgis” would certainly fall into our purview. balance, I think the world of corgis would just as soon To contribute on the issue email: Royal Family up as the anachronism So if any potential anti-Monarchists are teetering on the keep the Monarchy, thank you. [email protected] that it so clearly is. edge, and resisting because they are afraid that Her Walt Boyes, CorgiAid Inc. www.corgiaid.org ” LIVING

INTERVIEW 10 SCIENCE 14 Tad from Neighbours explains its It’s a Nobel cause. appeal.

TRAVEL 11 HUMOUR 19 Wolverhampton, the home of the Position of the week... best sunset.

FASHION 12 FOOD AND DRINK 20 Let’s talk about sex. A Thai Experience 10 LIVING INTERVIEW 08 February 2002 A www.varsity.cam.ac.uk THE FROG PRINCE Anushka Asthana is introduced to the Ramsay Street scene with Jonathon ‘Tad’ Dutton

Jonathan Dutton is Tad Reeves. ‘Tad the tall, slim, beautiful Flic. It was real- pantomime? “It’s fantastic. A great tadpole’, the third part of the triumphant ly very kind of her to give Tad a go opportunity to come to a new coun- triumvirate that is Stonefish, Toadie and in the first place. try, meet new people and do some- Tad. Jonathan Dutton has had numer- I have to admit, when I met thing different for seven weeks.” It

ous TV roles in Thunderstone, Blue Jonathan I was somewhat disap- would have been rude to ask why he Asthana Anushka Heelers, Cartoon Blitz and had a previ- pointed. It was a bit like that moment chose Tameside in East Manchester ous appearance on Neighbours. His movie (officially the dirtiest place in credits include: Refuser and The McLosers “ There’s not a lot of England and home to both the and he has featured in an array of com- Moors murders and Harold mercials from the Melbourne Motor Show time, there’s not a lot Shipman) for this great opportunity. to Le Snak and Screen Actors Studio. I love Neighbours. I always have. I’m sad. Jonathan is not Tad. of money and there When I was younger, I used to cry if Tad is not Paul. Paul is tanned, I missed it. And even now, students good-looking, and plays Australian are lots of cram into their JCRs every lunch Rules Football. Tad is small, freck- time to procrastinate their lives away, led and an unsuccessful DJ. Flic was restrictions” actually caring about the monoto- not meant for Tad. Flic was meant nous lives of those on Ramsay Street. for Paul. But Jonathan isn’t com- when the screen pulls back in Blind Why? Some think it is habit. But per- plaining. “Kissing Flic was a pleas- Date and you find that the sexy voice sonally, I put it down to Karl ure.” belongs to someone oh-so-average. Kennedy. Everyone I know – male As Tad has progressed through He was a little bit short, a little bit or female – loves him, and to my joy, Neighbours we have really started to plain and well, to tell the truth, ever Jonathan tells me that the man who love him. The scriptwriters have so slightly dull. I had to accept it; Tad acts the part, Alan Fletcher, is the used that well-known formula: we is an invention of some bright same as his character: nice, witty, start with the troublesome teenager, scriptwriters. and extremely sexy. put him in a good family (the ever- He left school to pursue his role in So what about the man who plays affectionate Harold and Madge), Neighbours and when asked if he re- the Good Samaritan, Harold Bishop? are sad to have lost. Since then they So, Neighbours isn’t meant for stu- teach him the good way and end grets it, he replies, “Not at all.” What about Ian Smith? Is he really have brought in an Indian family, dents. Neither is it meant for house- up with a cheeky but loveable char- Neighbours is his success and has fur- the God-adoring boy scout? “Not and have even built a corner shop in wives. It’s really meant for kids acter. It’s this same formula that dic- nished him with a well-worn path to at all.” The teetotal vegetarian? “Not Lassiters for them to run. But a who want to read Just Seventeen but tates Tad as a loser in love. It had the world of pantomime. So why, at all. He is the complete opposite. month or two in, once Lata had cor- can’t afford it yet. Either way, I to end in tears. This is Flic after all – Jonathan, would you choose to do He’s the reason for my dirty joke rupted Brett and Vikram had fulfilled don’t care. I like it, and more im- his politically correct brief, they were portantly, it fills that lonely gap be- The Famous Five repetoir. He’s one of my good friends. If he was anything like binned, and with them went the tween lunch and Diagnosis Each week we ask the same five questions to our celebrity: Harold he’d probably do my head shop. Murder. What’s the first word you think of when I say in.” Trivia Cambridge? If Tad was like Jonathan he’d do “The problem with Blank.That’s the one word I would think of the scriptwriters’ heads in. If Neighbours is screened by 40 What would you say to an 18 year old who wanted to Neighbours was like the on-set reality having someone, er, broadcasters accross 60 coun- be you? we wouldn’t watch. The more I tries. It’s been a success in Why? Why would you wanna be me, be yourself spoke to Jonathan, the more the re- coloured is you can’t countries as varied as What did you wanna do when you were 15? ality of Ramsay Street and Lassiters Zimbabwe, Croatia and Probably, at that stage, I wanted to be an actor started to fall apart. I had to come to do any stories based China. The show now aver- Who’s your hero? terms with the fact that what I am ages more than 120 million Guy Pearce watching is not really a bustling café, on it” viewers every day. Would you send your kids to private school? hotel and shopping complex, but a Bit too young for all that fairly unsturdy budget set. Jonathan 1985: ‘Ramsay St’ started on relays one scene where he and Paul “The only problem with having Channel 7 in Australia. After were cycling towards the Coffee someone, er, coloured in the show is six months and 170 episodes Shop. “On the take, my foot slipped. you can’t do any stories based on it,” the show was cancelled. ‘Ten’ We were supposed to slam on the says Jonathan. It is too controversial. network seized the chance breaks and slide in. My foot got It’s the time slot.” and, quicker than you can say, caught and the break got released. I But the early time slot isn’t always “Men Behaving Badly”, com- went straight into the Coffee Shop such a problem. Remember when missioned the failure, renam- and the pole that supports it fell out. Michelle turned anti-vivisectionist, ing it Neighbours and bring- I went one way and the pole went an- Woody was ‘knocked off’, Brett ing in a young cast of good other and then, of course, the roof snogged Helen Daniels and Paul lookers. 3,000 episodes later went schoom and all the leaves came Robinson accused the Korean fami- Channel 7 rue their fate. off! It’s the best goof tape ever!” ly of stealing and eating dogs? Whatever you think, the combi- Indeed, dealing with relevant issues Stars created by the show in- nation of a bargain set, scriptwriters is a continuous struggle for Neighbours. clude Jason Donovan, Kylie who are pressured to write two and “We have to fight the censors to have Minogue, Craig McLachlan, a half hours a week, and a group of scenes with underage drinking,” Natalie Imbruglia, Guy reasonably uninteresting actors has Jonathan told Varsity. “It is very hard Pearce, and, more recently, caused a storm. Neighbours was the to do anything that resembles a good Jonathan Dutton. TV surprise of the ‘80s. Moved to drama scene. If we show a house burn- 5.35pm because the daughter of a ing down, we can’t show anyone on The saviour of British after- BBC executive fancied Scott, it fire. We can’t do anything really real- noon TV is, officially, Alison peaked with audiences of 18 million. istic and we don’t have a lot of mon- Grade, the ten year-old We are obsessed. “Soaps aren’t that ey to make extravagant sets.” Hence daughter of Michael Grade, big in Australia. I can’t believe the Coffee Shop being supported by a BBC’s then head of program- you’ve got TV shows that interview pole. “We have to shoot two and a half ming. Alison, who also hap- soap stars about soaps. Soap fever!” hours a week. There’s not a lot of time, pens to be the grandniece of A fever that has got us scratching. there’s not a lot of money and there are the late, great, Lew Grade, I once heard that Neighbours was so lots of restrictions because the audience now works for Thames popular because it represented an is between eight and sixteen years old. Television. old white ideal that British people That’s the target market, I guess.” A 08 February 2002 INTERVIEW/TRAVEL LIVING 11 www.varsity.cam.ac.uk TITS AND GLORY Hana Nushi puts it on a plate for James Whale

James Whale started working as a DJ on Engrossed in the TV brilliance of And for those of you out there who in the press, he had barely heard about but to my utter disappointment he nev- local radio in Teeside. He later entered the ‘Louis Theroux meeting the Hamiltons,’ want to spend a life surrounded by tits the recent stories surrounding er rang. I could only cringe and hope TV world with The James Whale Show on I barely noticed James arrive and for- and glory James has some advice to of- Cambridge students. But that didn’t stop my mum wasn’t listening when he also ITV. Since the departure of ‘Caesar the got to give myself the perfectly balanced fer. “If you want to do something him having an opinion. “I don’t care told me over the air that Indian or not, Geezer’, he has presented a controversial personality that he apparently calls for. enough, then anything is possible. Don’t what people do as long as the rest of I was clearly sexually unashamed! late night talk show on Talk Sport (previ- Turns out it didn’t matter. The charac- us are not paying for it. If the rich I answered phone calls for them and ously Talk Radio) and has recently start- ter James Whale plays on the radio is Cambridge students have rich mum- had callers begging not to be waiting too ed a new TV programme on Ali G’s just that – an assumed persona. He is mies and daddies who pay for them to long. I always promised they wouldn’t favourite channel, Men and Motors. He is simply acting a part and whilst he does eat cat food then that is fine. If someone but, unfortunately for the men, if a renowned for his controversial views on it well, it is not true of the man himself. thought it was funny to run up to me and woman rang in, James would always go pretty much everything and we can only Despite his radio tirades about the in- throw up in front of me I’d make them to her first. hope that he is joking when he tells us that adequacy of cyclists, the inferiority of Radio Courtesy of Talk lick it up.” I clearly picked a bad night for con- he thinks “baby boys should be sterilised at smokers and the incompetence of stu- I also had the joy of meeting James’s tent. Their guest was a lady who was birth.” dents, in reality he is not so easily an- sidekick producer, the much-loved (and convinced that spirits talked to her We all have ambitions, and there are noyed and I am sorry to say that if you deservedly so) Ash. I know that Ash has through her dictaphone. Unluckily for many different ways of achieving them. are a listener who gets wound up by his a dedicated following because he spent her, the ghosts must have been tuned “I saw all these famous people wan- spouting, you’ve been conned. quite a while showing me all the fan sites into FiveLive this particular night. But dering about and thought, ‘That looks But still, you have to wonder how his dedicated to him. I thought it would be James was surprisingly nice to the guest. like a really good way of making a liv- wife puts up with his regular requests rude to point out that they all seemed Although he clearly thought she was ing. I’d like to be famous.’ Then I for a personal consortium of beautiful expect people to help you though, be- to have been set up by his mum. James talking rubbish he was fairly pleasant, thought, ‘I haven’t got any talent so I’ll blonde women, preferably with mas- cause they won’t. Lots of people are insists that he considers Ash to be a c**t, giving her numerous chances to redeem be a disc jockey.’” sive breasts. Lucky for James, he has met gonna tell you they’re gonna help you. but in reality they seem to get on bril- herself and a full two hours of airtime. I When I went to meet James Whale I a woman with a sense of humour. His Lots of people are gonna tell you that liantly and their banter is part of what was disappointed. The man I had con- was briefed on how to treat him: stand new “very dirty” TV show on the Men you are great, that you look wonderful, makes the show. Much to my delight, sidered ballsy let me down. I had even up, say “hello”, give him some space for and Motors channel just happens to see that you sound great, that you are mar- after the interview James said I could flattered him by asking him if he mod- five minutes and then sit near him un- James alongside yet another glamorous vellous, that they’ll do lots for you. It is stay and sit in. Going with the theme of elled himself on Howard Stern. He til he notices you. His show co-ordina- assistant. If you want to see whether she all bollocks.” racism in Britain, and wanting to pro- replied, “What you should have asked tor warned me, “The thing is he does- meets his stringent criteria, watch the Despite the fact that in his job James mote cultural harmony he decided to is does Howard Stern model himself on n’t want people to be too forward, but show – it’s definitely one for the boys. spends most of his time slagging people try and set me (Hindu) up with Ash me?” he hates someone who is too shy.” Tits and Glory. off and trashing stories that have been (Jewish). We agreed to go for a coffee Sorry James, but I don’t think so. Don’t let the sun go down on me Dan Skeldon seeks enlightenment in Nepal but finds it in Wolverhampton

Sunrises just don’t happen abroad. It’s true. ma. Just. Only another four hours of destination, you will always find sev- As an eighteen year-old in Nepal, the door-holding joy before breakfast… eral Kiwis there ready to tell you how If it hasn’t got an ATOL don’t book it at all prospect of sunrise over the Himalayas filled Three months later and we’ve shit it is. me with wonder. Stumbling through the made it to Egypt’s Sinai peninsula, Two hours later and it’s definitely Student travel agency USITCampus for which tickets have not yet been is- Katmandu pre-pre-dawn, we jumped into where the standard tourist hit is to daylight but, despite careful observa- went bust last week, affecting ap- sued will be honoured by airlines; the car – a stunning example of a subcon- climb Mount Sinai for the sunrise. tion, the sun appears to have been proximately 1,500 travellers and other customers will have to claim a tinent special, sporting no glass or func- Setting off at midnight our feeble torch- transplanted directly into the sky. I’ve 3,500 would-be travellers. Fortunately refund from the CAA and re-book tioning door catch in the entire vehicle. es are dwarfed by the champagne clear seen more stirring a Pot Noodle. We all holidays booked through USIT flights. Those who have booked pack- Huddling together in the back we were at magic of the desert sky. Six thousand head back down to the camp, grateful are underwritten by the Civil Aviation age holidays through USIT may well least well-ventilated. After a while, des- feet later I gain the final crest in this at least that we don’t have to hold any Authority as USIT is an ATOL- be able to travel if they have received perately pulling the door shut round desolate wilderness and am slightly doors shut. bonded company. All those who are their tickets, although once more Himalayan hairpins became a non-event surprised to be greeted warmly by sev- But back home in Dear Mother currently abroad will be able to com- accommodation may need to be paid and we managed to doze off. Dreams of ris- eral Arab men selling chocolate and England I can’t move for rousing sun- plete their trips as planned, although for again. More detailed information ing golden globes illuminating Johnny souvenirs. This appalls my obnoxious rises. Huge fiery orbs ascending from any accommodation booked through and claim forms are available from Everest and his mates filled the hours. ‘adventure traveller’ sensibilities and the North Sea, blinding you on your USIT may have to be paid for again. CAA (0207)453 6350. Suddenly, the Arriving at pre-dawn Nargakot, dust- I make some snooty comment…be- way to work or reflecting off a hund- The CAA will reimburse travellers corny slogan of an advert rings very encrusted and still with our morning fore gratefully buying all the chocolate red college windows. Best of all, on a on their return. Some flight bookings true. thousand-yard stares, we head up to he can sell me. In the process I wake magnificent snowy morning: the viewpoint. Several shades of grey ten sleeping Kiwis from their rock-top Wolverhampton bathed in perfect pur- and a tiny sun through a dusty haze lat- retreat. They appear to be following ple dawn reflected as far as the eye can Sally & Kitty’s Travel Tips er and we can see the Everest panora- the standard protocol; whatever your see, and not a Kiwi in sight.

•Never have sex on a plane; it gives you thrombosis. •Getting an e-ticket instead of a paper one can save

you a fiver. If you need to save a fiver, that is. Botterill Tim •Try transporting cocaine by taking the whole lot before you get on the plane. The high should last a good few days. •Don’t take animals on coaches. It is cruel, and moreover it disturbs the other passengers. •Avoid Americans. •Never travel with men. They smell and are not to be trusted. •Gareth will probably win Pop Idol. •Guest tip of the week from freetraveltips.com: Keep your mouth shut when you’re in the shower, even an accidental spray can get you sick. Send in your tips to [email protected]. The best tip wins the Lonely Planet Guide to Cuba. Remember, only one person can be the best. Dan Skeldon 12 LIVING FASHION 08 February 2002 A www.varsity.cam.ac.uk

Let’s talk about sex, baby

Clemency Burton-Hill and Mike Dixon

With Valentine’s Day just around the cor- Okay, so the whole point of out them. The Flower House on ner, Varsity felt it was our duty as up- Valentine’s Day is to get all your Magdalene St. will sort you out with standing journalists to put you all in the clothes ripped off, but why not de- all the heavenly-scented blooms you mood. It was a tough job, what with all lay the moment for a bit by heading need, so take one between your teeth the champagne, roses, hotel suites, jacuzzis off to Le Rêve on Bene’t St. for the and start growling, baby. (Helpful and sexy underwear, but somebody had most delectable fine Italian and hint: remove thorns first). to do it. Poor us. French underwear? Our girls are That champagne has simply got to For the most romantic night in wearing selections from La Perla, flow all night. Sip it through a straw, Cambridge (excepting Rag Blind Malizia and Aubade, and we’re sure down it from crystal goblets. Damn, Date, of course) we recommend you you’ll agree they’re almost too beau- why not even have a bath in it! Ours take full advantage of a special deal tiful to take off. came from Cambridge Wine at the Crowne Plaza hotel, where And after all that hard work, Merchants and very nice it was too. you can enjoy a luxury bedroom, a there’s no better way to relax than It might even help to explain why three-course Valentine’s dinner, with a naughty jacuzzi. The hot tub some of our models appeared to breakfast, and surprise gift for only at Glassworks even has a beautiful leave together… £69 per person. We’re sure there’s view over the river, although our Finally, for any lonely singletons nothing subliminal in that price, guess is, you probably won’t be look- out there, don’t feel bad, just curl up boys. Just remember to keep the cur- ing out of the window much. with this week’s issue. Whoever said tains shut: Varsity forgot and attract- Whatever happens, don’t forget Cambridge wasn’t a sexy place ob- ed quite a crowd. Call 01223 464466 the roses. Cliché? Try telling that viously never read Valentine’s for details. to you girlfriend if you turn up with- Varsity…

Photography: Nishant Lalwani Models: Catherine / Dan / Emeka / Gemma / John / Sarah / Shea Make-up: Prav A 08 February 2002 FASHION LIVING 13 www.varsity.cam.ac.uk 14 LIVING SCIENCE 08 February 2002 A www.varsity.cam.ac.uk Cambridge 77-56 France Jonathan Zwart and Celine Tinloi look at Cambridge’s dominance of science’s biggest prize

Forget about the Emmys, the Turner Prize Nobel, a Swede, much to the horror means trivial – prize money for each awards. Our Oxford counterparts mechanics, Nobel winning scientists and even the Oscars! In the academic world of his family who unsuccessfully tried award in 2001 amounted to ten mil- have amassed a comparatively at Cambridge have had a major im- there is only one award, and it’s true to say to contest it, resulting in a five-year le- lion Swedish Crowns (just over mediocre 29, which, to rub salt into pact on the face of science and the rest that nothing captures the imagination more gal battle. Alfred Nobel was an avid £650,000). However, as Alfred Nobel the wound, is actually less than the of the modern world. However, be- than the Nobel Prize. Since 1901 these ac- scientist and had a distinguished ca- himself commented, “contentment is number from Trinity College alone – fore we bask in the glory of our pred- colades have been made annually to those reer as a chemical engineer, but he the only real wealth”. a spectacular 31. Trinity are followed ecessors, it is important to remember who have made the most outstanding con- is most (in)famous for his discovery of Cambridge, as one might expect, (as per usual) by John’s, who have a the spirit behind the prizes. This is best tribution in their chosen field. There are dynamite. His brilliance as a scientist, has had more than its fair share of claim to a paltry eight prizes, two of summed up by the inscription on the three Nobel prizes dedicated to scientific along with good business sense, al- Nobel laureates, with an impressive which have both been won by one medals for chemistry and physics: activities, namely chemistry, physics, and lowed him to amass an enormous for- 77 prizes to date; four awards are fea- Fred Sanger. Inventas vitam juvat excolusse per artes, medicine & physiology, with other Nobel tune, which enabled him to set up the tured below. This is more than the tal- The achievements of the which is taken from the 6th song of prizes being awarded for economics, liter- prize fund. Whilst the greatest satis- ly of any other academic institution Cambridge laureates have been as di- Virgil’s Aeneid and translates as ature and peace. faction in winning the prize undoubt- and surpasses most countries – for ex- verse as they have been profound. ‘Inventions enhance life which is The Nobel Prize was instituted in edly comes from the recognition and ample, the whole of France has won From the discovery of the structure of beautified through art.’ the last will and testament of Alfred prestige, the monetary award is by no only 56 prizes in the history of the DNA to pioneering work in quantum www.nobel.se

Sir Joseph John

Thomson Botterill Tim 1906 Prize in Physics – in recogni- tion of the great merits of his theoretical and experimental investigations on the conduction of electricity by gases. …in other words, the discovery of the electron. This, Thomson’s most brilliant work, resulted from an ini- tial investigation into cathode rays. Thomson, already well-established in a distinguished mathematical ca- reer, was also an industrious writer of inspirational books such as The Corpuscular Theory of Matter, and had a strong influence on Cambridge at the beginning of the Twentieth Century. He was made Professor at the age of 28 and soon became Master of Trinity. Under his direc- tion and with the opening-up of the University to researchers who had not been Cambridge undergradu- ates, the Cavendish Laboratory en- tered a golden era. Knowledge of the electron allowed him to come up with the first proper atomic theory, the embryonic ‘plum pudding’ mod- el. Thomson’s son George, based in London, also has a Nobel Prize – which, coincidentally, happens to be for work on electron diffraction. Paul Dirac

1933 Prize in Physics – for the dis- covery of new productive forms of atom- ic theory. Dirac, one of the fathers of Quantum Mechanics, came to ticle accelerators at places such as Crick as he walked into The Eagle one ifests itself as cloning, gene therapy, moved on to studying protein struc- Cambridge from Bristol to read for CERN. Dirac, the man who lectured day in February 1953. That morning, forensic identification and the ture, with a view to solidifying the sci- a PhD. Just as Newton’s Laws de- our lecturers, died in 1984. It is a after several frustrating years at the Genome Project – and we’ve only just entific basis of a number of medical scribe everything you do on an or- shame he is not here to witness the old Cavendish Lab in Free School scratched the surface. Thanks to Crick problems. A novel fractionation dinary trip to Sainsbury’s, Quantum emerging fields of Quantum Lane, he and James Watson had fi- and Watson, the next century belongs method permitted the complete se- Mechanics relates to the world at a Information, Computing and nally determined the structure of de- to biochemistry. quencing of insulin, for which Sanger sub-atomic scale. As soon as Cryptography, which will be so oxyribonucleic acid, DNA – a dou- received his first prize in 1958. The Heisenberg had introduced prominent in the coming decades. ble helix. How? With X-ray Fred Sanger award spurred him on and allowed Quantum Mechanics in 1928, Dirac diffraction techniques, now the stuff him to attract the best possible col- began the development of the im- Francis Crick and of first-year Materials courses. Crick’s 1958 Prize in Chemistry– for his leagues. In 1962 he moved to portant mathematical foundations in statement may have sounded con- work on the structure of proteins, especially Cambridge’s Laboratory of Molecular the field, which up until that point James Watson ceited at the time, but it could hardly that of insulin; Biology, joined by Crick and Watson had been extremely sketchy. Dirac have been more prophetic. In terms 1980 Prize in Chemistry– for contri- and the rest of the Cavendish team. is also given credit for introducing 1962 Prize in Medicine – for their dis- of what it has unleashed, it is clearly butions concerning the determination of Sanger then applied his sequencing relativity theory into Quantum coveries concerning the molecular struc- a contender for the greatest scientific base sequences in nucleic acids. skills to nucleic acids, and was award- Mechanics, resulting in the equation ture of nuclear acids and its significance advance ever. Fifty years on, the re- A former John’s NatSci (there’s ed a second prize in 1980 for this that bears his name. Throughout the for information transfer in living materi- sults of Crick and Watson’s discovery hope for us all!), Fred Sanger joined work. There are high hopes for a hat- next few decades, extensions to the al. are all around us – what once took the the Biochemistry Department in trick, and given that he even likes to theory were made to include the sub- “My friends, we have discovered form of examining photographs and 1940. Originally concentrating on “mess about in boats”, that means nuclear world, applicable in the par- the secret of life,” announced Francis playing with stick models now man- amino acid metabolism, he later there’s hope for the boaties too. A 08 February 2002 SCIENCE LIVING 15 www.varsity.cam.ac.uk Living in a material world

Tim Jarratt meets materials guru Professor Mike Ashby Rowan Huppert

A whole generation of Cambridge problems of being a physicist is that of Cambridge.” Currently, he has students have used his books to ease there is not too much room at the strong links with institutions in their way through materials super- top. There are lots of good problems France and Holland; indeed his lat- visions. Indeed the two volume work in engineering and I’d always liked est book is written in French in col- by Ashby and Jones’ ‘Engineering the idea of making things.” laboration with researchers in Materials’ has become an essential So, almost three decades on after Grenoble. text for students throughout the taking such a major decision, how In the eyes of undergrads, it is his world. Although technically retired, does he view it? “In hindsight I’m work on materials selection for which Professor Mike Ashby continues to very glad. I loved America, but Professor Ashby is most famous. strongly influence research in design Europe is now a very exciting place Prior to the formation of the Engineering Design Centre, there was relatively little teaching of de- sign within CUED. Professor Ashby With Granta Design now leading Professor at the Royal College of Art felt that there was a need for a new the development of materials selec- and travels down to London regu- approach to educating engineers tion, Professor Ashby now concen- larly to teach. about which materials could be used trates on two distinct areas. The first At the end we returned to the issue during design and thus the concept is based within the micromechanics of retirement. Professor Ashby has of Materials Selection Charts was group where novel sandwich struc- theoretically retired – he receives no born. During one summer vacation tures are being developed for a vari- pay from the university, so why, I a computer based tool was developed ety of engineering applications. wondered, was he still regularly cy- from the basic charts. What was orig- Recent technological advances have cling in through the wind and rain? inally intended as an in-house aid for enabled metallic foams to be creat- As I said it, I was struck by the point- Cambridge students has blossomed ed with incredible energy absorption lessness of the question. To me, the into a company called Granta Design properties. These developments ob- answer was obvious, his enthusi- that employs 22 people. The firm, of viously excite Professor Ashby and asm for his work was both infectious which Professor Ashby is still a share- his office contained numerous ex- and inspiring, but anyway here is his and micromechanics and takes an ac- to be.” Professor Ashby then reeled holder, is tailoring the product for in- amples of these revolutionary struc- response. “I still find research very tive part in the life of the Engineering off an extensive list of academic col- dividual industrial partners as well tures. The second area is based with- stimulating. Some people run out Department. laborations in which he has been in- as supporting the more established in the Design Centre and concerns of ideas, which must be extremely Born in 1935, Mike Ashby spent volved covering most countries in academic customers. As Professor the use of materials in industrial de- frustrating, and have to stop, but I his formative years in Sydney, Europe. He feels that the formation Ashby comments, with the formation sign, a topic he finds that “really enjoy being around and about peo- Manchester and Belfast. Upon leav- of the EU has encouraged interac- of the company, “we had to stop giv- stretches the mind.” This role does ple with ideas. I dreaded the thought ing school he arrived at Queens’ tions and persuaded people that “the ing it away free and hire some decent not confine Professor Ashby to of not working with students – I’d College to read Natural Sciences fol- world does not end at the boundaries software engineers.” Cambridge – he is also a Visiting miss that more than anything.” lowed by a PhD in physics, which was awarded in 1961. After Cambridge a three year stint teaching at the Institute for Metal Physics at the University of Göttingen followed. Then in 1966 it was off to the United States for a post-doctoral position at Harvard where soon he had risen to become a Professor of Applied Physics. “I dreaded the thought of not working with stu- dents – I’d miss that more than any- thing”

When asked about his time there, Professor Ashby talks highly of the supportive atmosphere that enabled students and lecturers alike to flour- ish. “I can’t praise it enough,” he con- cludes enthusiastically, which leads onto the topic of what made him leave. In 1973, Mike Ashby was offered the position of Professor of Engineering Materials at Cambridge University Engineering Department (CUED) and he agreed to return to the city after a twelve year absence. “If I had not come back to England then I probably would still be in America.” The move also enabled a shift away from the theoretical world of physics to the more applied disci- pline of engineering. “One of the Lattice Structure developed with Prof. Fleck and Dr Deshpande

Lattice Structure developed with Prof Fleck and Dr 16 LISTINGS 08 February 2002 A www.varsity.cam.ac.uk

New Hall: Thursday Festival of German Film: Christ’s Films Valentine’s Day “Winterschlaefer” 1997 English sub- Movie THE AFRICAN QUEEN: titles. Classic Humphrey Bogart and This House believes New Hall, Buckingham House Katharine Hepburn comedy romance Listings Lecture Theatre. set during WW1. a funny thing happened on the way to Union 8:30pm. Christs College, New Cout The Union’s finest wits take on the cream of the Theatre. Sunday 10pm. £2 Footlights… Christ’s Films A KNIGHT’S Robinson Films: TALE: America’s Sweethearts. Friday February 15th, at 8pm in the Chamber Heath Ledger, action/comedy/ad- Robinson College Film venture inspired by Chaucer’s 9:30pm. £2 Canterbury Tales. St John’s Films: Christs College, New Court Yi, yi (A One and a Two). One Arts Picture House Theatre. World Week film. EXHIBITION THE DAY I BECAME A WOMAN 8pm. £2. http://come.to/johnsfilms. FLIGHTS OF REALITY (PG) 78mins Iran 2001 Christ’s Films A KNIGHT’S St. John’s College, Fisher Building. until 3 March Fri 8th - Thurs 14th Feb: 1.00 (Sun TALE: 9pm. £2.00. only) 3.00 (not Sun), 5.10 (Tues only), Heath Ledger, action/comedy/ad- Charles Avery, Matthew Ritchie, Keith Tyson, Grace Weir and Keith Wilson 7.00 (not Tues) venture inspired by Chaucer’s KANDAHAR (PG) 85mins Iran Canterbury Tales. ‘seductive contemporary work 2001 Christs College, New Court creating competing visions of an Fri 8th -Thurs 14th Feb: 1.00 (not Theatre. LesBiGay alternative universe’ The Guardian Sun), 5.00, 9.10 (not Tues) 10:30pm. £2. Gallery open Tues-Sun 11.30-17.00, free GOSFORD PARK (15) 137mins Robinson Films: Fri 8th - Sun 10th Feb: 12.00, 2.45, The Fast and the Furious. Monday 5.30, 8.15 Robinson College CUSU LesBiGay: FANCY WRITING FOR Mon 11th - Thurs 14th Feb: 12.30 (not 7pm. £2 Mixed Weekly LesBiGay social. Tues), 3.15 (not Tues), 3.30 (Tues Robinson Films: Grad Pad A UNIVERSITY-WIDE only), 6.00, 8.45 The Fast and the Furious. 9pm. PUBLICATION? A MA SOEUR! (18) 86mins Robinson College 10pm. £2 Tuesday Gender Agenda, the CUSU Fri 8th - Sun 10th Feb: 1.10, 5.50 Mon 11th - Thurs 14th: 1.10, 5.00 St John’s Films: Phoneline: Women’s Union Magazine (Weds and Thurs), 6.50 (not Weds or The Others (12). 7:30pm and 10pm. Confidential LesBiGay phoneline. Thurs) http://come.to/johnsfilms. (7)40777. 8-10pm. PROVE THEY WERE WRONG WHEN LAST ORDERS (15) 109mins St. John’s College, Fisher Building. CUSU THEY DIDN’T AWARD YOU THE 7:30pm. £2.00. 8pm. WHITBREAD PRIZE! Fri 8th - Sun 10th Feb: 3.20 (not Sun), 8.00 THEFT presents Velvet Email Chris Holly (cah44) to Mon 11th - Thurs 14th: 2.50 (not Goldmine: Wednesday write for the Lent term issue Mon), 4.20 (Mon only), 9.00 A film by Todd Haynes, starring King’s LBG Night: SHOW BOAT (U) Ewan McGregor. http://go.to/theft. Popular mixed social with cheese mu- Tues 12th Feb: 1.30 Trinity Hall, Lecture Theatre. sic. Undergrads and postgrads wel- Christ’s Films GONE TO EARTH (PG) 7:30pm. £2. come. Sunday 10th Feb Tues 12th Feb: 9.15 TRINITY FILM: King’s College, Cellar Bar. 8pm & 10:30pm DOWN FROM THE MOUNTAIN LIFT TO THE SCAFFOLD 9:30pm. A KNIGHT’S TALE (U) Stylish french crime drama featuring Fri 8th and Sat 9th Feb: 10.50pm sounds by Miles Davis. Thursday 14th Feb 10pm BROTHERHOOD OF THE Trinity College, Winstantley THE AFRICAN QUEEN WOLF (15) Theatre Fri 8th and Sat 9th Feb: 10.40pm 9pm. £ 2.00. Misc New Court Theatre, Christ’s RICHARD III (15) £2 inc. raffle for wine Sunday 10th Feb: 3.00 Monday www.christs.cam.ac.uk/cfilms LE JOURNAL DE LA RESIS- TRINITY FILM: Saturday TANCE (15) LIFT TO THE SCAFFOLD Stylish Cambridge University Hispanic Sun 10th Feb: 3.00 french crime drama featuring sounds Society: URANUS (15) by Miles Davis. Latin fiesta for OWW, music & lots WANT TO WRITE Weds 13th Feb: 7.00 Trinity College, Winstantley of fun for charity. A SELF-MADE HERO (15) Theatre Newnham College, College Bar. This mixed-voice a capella FOR VARSITY? Thurs 14th Feb: 7.00 9pm. £ 2.00. 8pm. choir is seeking a new Cambridge University Judo Friday Tuesday Club: MUSICAL DIRECTOR COME TO A Cambridge Union: CCCP: Open to all men and women. for the start of Easter Term SECTION MEETING ‘The Rocky Horror Show’, members ALL ABOUT MY MOTHER. Fenner’s Gym, Gresham Road. 2002 and guests only. McCrum Theatre, Benet Street, 6pm. Contact Madeleine on SEE TEAM BOX ON Union Society, in the Blue Room. Next to Eagle pub. Cambridge University Thai [email protected] for more PAGE 8 FOR DETAILS 8pm. 8pm. £2. Society (CUTS): details New Hall: CUJS Thai Night 2002 - Come, drink in Festival of German Film: Bridget Jones’ Diary at 9:30 followed our tradition. Detail: “Deutschland, bleiche Mutter” 1979 by O Brother Where Art Thou at http://www.cam.ac.uk/societies/cuts/t English subtitles. 11:15. hainight.htm. New Hall, Buckingham House The Culanu Centre, 33 Bridge St Andrew’s Street Baptist EDINBURGH FESTIVAL Lecture Theatre. Street Church, Regent Street, 8:30pm. Cambridge. Solve your accommodation problems by calling Wednesday 6:30pm. £14 members/ 16 stu- Carole Smith/Anne Goring on 01620 810620 Saturday Churchill MCR Film Soc: dents/ 18 non-students. New Hall: THE WHITE BALLOON Kettle’s Yard: email address: [email protected] Festival of German Film: “Kurz und (Badkonake sefid). A One World SATURDAY DRAWING. drawing Schmerzlos” 1998 English Subtitles. Week event. with artist Anna Townley. Booking or write to New Hall, Buckingham House Churchill College, Wolfson Hall. Essential. Festival Flats, 3 Linkylea Cottages, Gifford, East Lothian, EH41 4PE Lecture Theatre. 8pm. £2.00. Kettle’s Yard 5:30pm. 11:30am. £5. A 08 February 2002 LISTINGS 17 www.varsity.cam.ac.uk

The Pembroke College Winnie- CU Yoga: The-Pooh Society: Iyengar yoga with Pavara. Relaxation Evening Elevenses - A little smackeral of some- Pembroke College, New Cellars. Crystal balls, music, thing 7:15pm.£3.50 or 10 for termcard (4 Music massage, Reiki healing, CAST INVITE APPLICATIONS (http://www- sessions). herbal teas, chill out FOR A TECHNICAL CREW FOR stu.pem.cam.ac.uk/pooh/). CUTAZZ: THEIR 2002 TOUR OF Pembroke College,AA20, Foundress Beginners Jazz. Friday music,The Matrix and Court. United Emmanuel Reform Church, Jubilation Sound: chocolate AMERICA. POSITIONS AVAILABLE INCLUDE 4pm. Church hall Jubilation Sound System playing roots SUNDAY 10TH FEBRUARY, SM,TD, DESIGNER, LIGHTING 7pm. £2.50. reggae and dubwise. FROM 6PM AND SOUND. Sunday CUTAZZ: Robinson College THE CULANU CENTRE CONTACT AH323 OR AC338 Samatha Meditation: Advanced Jazz. 8pm. £2. 33 BRIDGE ST FOR MORE INFORMATION Meditation classes for everyone. No United Emmanuel Reform Church, Kettles Yard: charge. Church hall. LUNCHTIME CONCERT. Free con- Darwin College, Old Library. 8pm. £2.50. certs programmed by students. CULTURAL JOURNAL 8pm. Queens Art Society: Kettle’s Yard Soraya’s 8-week Beg. Oriental Life drawing class 1:10pm. INPRINT Belly Dance Course: Everyone welcome Queens’ Ents: INVITES SUBMISSIONS FOR THE Learn how this beautiful ancient dance (materials provided). Naughty! - Nineties to the Naughties 2002 PUBLICATION. CAMBRIDGE STUDENT ART can get you in shape and be fun! Queens’ College, Erasmus Room. Back to School Bop. WE ARE KEEN TO ENCOURAGE THE EXHIBITION SUBMISSIONS Cambridge YMCA, Pye Room, 7pm. Queens’ College, Fitzpatrick Hall. SUBMISSION OF ALL LITERARY FORMS: info:[email protected]. Quiz Society: 9pm. PROSE, POETRY, DRAMA, ARTICLES ETC. 6pm.£36Students,£40non-students. Fun pub quiz. Free entry. All welcome. The Junction CDC: Submissions to Henry’s Cafe DEADLINE: 24 FEBRUARY 2002 CUJS Brain optional. Boogie Wonderland: 70s and 80s Disco 5A Pembroke St QUERIES AND SUBMISSIONS TO JODIE Relazation Evening – crystal balls, Newnham College, Bar. Extravaganza 10 -2am. 9 – 10 Feb 11am – 6pm GREENWOOD ST JOHN’S COLLEGE Reiki Healing, massage, herbal teas, 8pm. The Junction [email protected] www.studentart2002.co.uk chocolate, and The Matrix The Globe Cafe: 10pm. £3.50/5.50adv and after 11. The Culanu Centre, 33 Bridge St For international students, informal chat with Chinese New Year theme. Saturday Monday 9 Victoria Street, Just off Christs Cambridge Union: Barbara Harding Yoga: Pieces. Jazz & Cocktails with the Radegund MALE ACTOR REQUIRED TO CADS INVITE APPLICATIONS Beginners class- all welcome. 7pm. Trio. Free for members, £3 for non- PLAY A LEAD ROLE IN CADS TO DIRECT A AYWEEK Newnham Old Labs members. M TH EEK RODUCTION OF 4pm.£3.50 for a term pass,£5 drop Wednesday Union Society, in the Bar. 6 W P SHOW IN CHRIST’S COLLEGE in. CU Yoga Society: 8:30pm. MICHAEL FRAYN’S FELLOWS GARDEN Belly Dance: Yoga with Shuddassara. CCMS - The Beaufort Ensemble: APPLICATIONS TO BRUCE Belly dance for absolute beginners. Newnham College, Old Labs. Beethoven: Symphony no.2; Dvorak: Donkeys Years DOUGLAS AT CHRIST’S Relaxing and fun. 5:30pm.£3.50 or 10 for termcard (4 Wind Serenade. Email Becky Lowe on BY EBRUARY King’s College, Chetwynd room. sessions). Emmanuel College, Queen’s Building. [email protected] or phone on 18 F 7:30pm. £conc. CU Yoga Society: 8pm. £6 / £3. 07815 109858 (EMAIL BMD21 FOR MORE INFO) Belly dance: 8 week course with Shuddassara (for- Clare ents: Belly dance for intermediates. merly Nancy). Asabre Quaye Saneko. Powerful art form. Improvisation and Newnham College, Old Labs. Live African Percussion in association Corpus Christi College choreography. . 7:15pm. £20 with ONE WORLD WEEK. The Cambridge Arts Theatre King’s College, Chetwynd room. Quiz Society: Clare College Gonville and Caius & The Fletcher Players 6pm. £conc Intercollegiate Championship: 9pm. £3/4. invite applications from students and drama societies wishing to stage CU Yoga Society: Gonville and Caius Musical Society: May Ball 2002 Pembroke/NewHall, Queens’/Clare, productions at the newly refurbished Iyengar yoga with Philippe. Fitz/Wolfson, LucyC vs Downing. Geoffrey Webber, Harpsichord. Corpus Christi College Playroom Lucy Cavendish College, Oldham Christs College, Lloyd Room. Caius College, Bateman Auditorium. Auditions for 10 St Edward’s Passage, Student Bar. 7:15pm. 1:15pm. during the Easter Term. Application forms can be collected from the 5:15pm. £3.50 or termcard - 4 ses- Queens’ Ents: Entertainers Porters’ Lodge, Corpus Christi sions for 10. Thursday Es Paradis - Ibiza anthems and club Forms should then go to: CUSAGC: Cambridge University Judo Club: The Theatre Administrator, c/o Corpus Christi classics. Contact Lucy (lmd29) Enquiries to Anna Jones, (arj25) Pub Quiz- Great Prizes. Raising mon- Open to both men and women. Queens’ College, Fitzpatrick Hall. The deadline for receipt of applications is 9am, ey for the 20th World Scout Jamboree. Fenner’s Gym, Gresham Road. 9pm. Thursday 21st Februaury Churchill College, Bar 8pm. 8pm. The Junction CDC: VOUCHER 8pm. £1. CU Yoga Society: WildStyle: RnB/Hiphop Valentine’s CUTAZZ: Iyengar Yoga with Yvonne. ball with Andrez from Damage 10-3am. Beginners tap. Girton College, Wolfson Court. The Junction FREE Robinson College, Games room. 6pm. £3.50 or termcard for 10 (4 10pm. £7/9. 8oz 6pm. £2.50. sessions). HOT CUTAZZ: Greek Dancing Club: Sunday DRINK Intermediate/advanced tap. Come have fun by learning to Greek Clare live: WITH Robinson College, Games room. dance! Beginners welcome . Morrocco + support. Rockfunk’n’roll. ANY 7pm. £2.50. Darwin College, Common Room. Returning to their favourite venue. SANDWICH

5pm.£2 pounds / class or 15 / term. Clare College VOUCHER Tuesday Salsa Dancing - Absolute 9pm. £3/4. Barbara Harding Yoga: Beginners Class: Emmanuel College Music Society: The best sandwiches FREE Beginners class- all welcome. £10 to join; £1.20 per class. Cello recital by Catherine Dawson. 8oz Newnham Old Labs St Paul’s School Hall, Coronation Featuring Bach’s Suite in E flat. in Cambridge HOT 7:45pm.£3.50 term pass,£5 drop in. Street. Emmanuel College, Old Library. DRINK Cambridge University Judo Club: 7pm. 8:30pm. £2 / £1 and if you love coffee, WITH Open to all Men and Women. SalsaPassion: Relax... ANY Fenner’s Gym, Gresham Road. All Style Salsa Dance Classes; 8:30 Monkey Boy & Pete Radford spin chilled then you’ll love O’Brien’s SANDWICH 8pm. Beginners, 9:30 Advanced; £5 (£3 beats & bobs. beanbags & easy vibes... CU Yoga Society: Students). Selwyn College Bar Iyengar yoga with Yvonne. St.Columba’s Hall, Downing Street 7pm. Pembroke College, New Cellars. 8:30pm. 43 Regent St. 6 St. Edward’s Passage 5:30pm.£3.50 or 10 for termcard (4 sessions). Cambridge Arts Theatre 18 LISTINGS 08 February 2002 A www.varsity.cam.ac.uk

Friday University of Cambridge One World Week: An informed and informal discussion Music Talk about homelessness in Cambridge. Leslie Stephen Lecture 2002 King’s College, Keyne’s Hall. contd. 6:20pm. Friday Monday Cambridge Inter-Collegiate Victoria Cambridge University Christian Union: Troubadours: “Blind Faith? - does faith start where Rehearsals of vocal and instrumental facts end” by Kris Kandire. Theatre Glendinning medieval music. Queens’ College, Fitzpatrick Hall. will lecture on Jesus College, Octagon Room. 1pm. 7:30pm. Cambridgeshire Bird Club: Friday King’s College CICCU group: “Hope for farmland birds” talk by My Mother Said I Never Should: The Lies and Silences of Handel’s Messiah with libretto ex- Roger Buisson (RSPB). A play about mothers, daughters, plained by Vaughan Roberts. Milton Country Park Visitor childhood and adulthood. Is there a King’s College, Chapel. Centre, off Tesco roundabout generation gap?. Biography 7:30pm. £2. A10/A14 junction. The Playroom 8pm. £1 non-members. 7:15pm. £4. The Senate-House, Cambridge Wednesday War on Want: Pembroke Players: 5.30pm on Wednesday 13 February 2002 Bad Timing: Presentation on the Tobin Tax at 1.15- Marlowe’s The Massacre at Paris . Minimal/abstract/lofi/early electron- 1.45pm and again at 4.45-5.15pm. Pembroke College, New Cellars. Admission is open to all ics/ Jesus College, Prioress Room. 10pm. £4 (£3.50). randomness with resident and 1pm. Pembroke Players: Members of the University wear gowns guest DJs, live digital processing, Sexual Perversity in Chicago by live PA tbc. Sunday David Mamet. Portland Arms, Mitcham’s Corner. One World Week: Pembroke College, New Cellars. 8pm. An informed and informal discussion 8pm. £4/£5 w/o student id. Hobbs Pavilion about homelessness in Cambridge. ADC Mainshow Thursday RESTAURANT King’s College, Keyne’s Hall. Black Comedy by Peter Shaffer. Kettle’s Yard: 6:20pm. “Geninely funny” - Varsity SUBSCRIPTION CONCERT. ADC Theatre Parkers Piece French Conection. Monday 7.45 01223 367480 Kettle’s Yard One World Week: 8pm. £8.50 for six concerts. An informed and informal discussion Saturday 15% NUS RAWGANICS: about homelessness in Cambridge. FOOTLIGHTS AUDITIONS: discount hiphop reggae soul Kela, Braintax, King’s College, Keyne’s Hall. For Bar Night & Smoker. TaskForce, Jehst, Skully, Delegates 6:20pm. Writers/performers wanted. An excellent Mediterranean menu The Junction Sketch/song/stand-up/mononlogue ) ( www.varsity.cam.ac.uk freshly prepared every day, a Tuesday special vegetarian and vegan menu 9pm. £8/£7. welcome! Bring material 11am - available, a comprehensive wine Cambridge Union: 1pm. list and attentive service all within Friday Talk by Michael Winner:’My life in ADC Theatre, Bar. its unique location in Cambridge. Kettles Yard: Movies & other Places’. 11am. Private parties welcome. BOOK LUNCHTIME CONCERT. Free In the Chamber. My Mother Said I Never Should: NOW FOR VALENTINE’S DAY concerts programmed by students. 8pm. A play about mothers, daughters, Kettle’s Yard crosstalk society: childhood and adulthood. Is there a What others say about us: 1:10pm. “What if? Re-running evolution” generation gap?. “Excellent” – FHM The Junction CDC: Simon Conway-Morris. Info: The Playroom VIA OUR WEBSITE VIA OUR “Quality food, the breadth of Boogie Wonderland: 70s and 80s www.corpus.cam.ac.uk/collegelife/pcts. 7:15pm. £4. choice is tantalising” – The Disco Extravaganza 10 -2am. Leckhampton House (Corpus Pembroke Players: Guardian The Junction Christi), off Grange Road. Marlowe’s The Massacre at Paris . “A textbook display of fine 10pm. £3.50/5.50adv and after 11. 8pm. Pembroke College, New Cellars. cooking” – Varsity “Wonderful” – Customer’s letter One World Week: 10pm. £4 (£3.50). An informed and informal discussion Pembroke Players: ARE FREE & SHOULD BE SUBMITTED BY 3PM MONDAYS, COST FROM £20.00,COST FROM DEADLINE 3PM MONDAYS. about homelessness in Cambridge. Sexual Perversity in Chicago by King’s College, Keyne’s Hall. David Mamet. 6:20pm. Pembroke College, New Cellars. 8pm. £4/£5 w/o student id. Checking Listings? Wednesday ADC Mainshow Cambridge Union: Black Comedy by Peter Shaffer. Talk by Zaki Badawi, prominent “Geninely funny“ - Varsity British Muslim. ADC Theatre Check Online In the Chamber 7.45 8pm. One World Week: Sunday www.varsity.cam.ac.uk An informed and informal discussion FOOTLIGHTS BAR NIGHT: about homelessness in Cambridge. Enjoy excellent stand-up, fine music King’s College, Keyne’s Hall. and good company! Free for mem- 6:20pm. bers. Interested in ADC Theatre, Bar. Thursday 7:45pm. £3.00. Kettle’s Yard: My Mother Said I Never Should: working for online? LUNCHTIME GALLERY TALK. A play about mothers, daughters, Kettle’s Yard childhood and adulthood. Is there a 1:10pm. generation gap?. email webmaster@ One World Week: The Playroom An informed and informal discussion 7:15pm. £4. about homelessness in Cambridge. Pembroke Players: varsity.cam.ac.uk King’s College, Keyne’s Hall. Marlowe’s The Massacre at Paris . 6:20pm. Pembroke College, New Cellars. BOX ADS BOX LISTINGS 10pm. £4 (£3.50). A 08 February 2002 GYPSY LIVING 19 www.varsity.cam.ac.uk/kuwaiti Candid Tortoise “If at first you don’t succeed, so much for skydiving” Joseph Craig and Ali Smart Harry Potter And The Iraqi Dictator KAMA SUTRA This we bring you our favourite On a Hogwarts school trip to India, Harry, S: Have you thought about being a dic- S: True, we had to cancel the Baghdad Kama Sutra positions: Ron and Hermione slip into a seedy bar to get tator? Grand Prix. some under-age drinking in. They strike up H: Well of course, but I don’t know H: That sounds like a dangerous race.

Christine Haseldine a conversation with a shady character. shorthand. S: Yeah, but not as bad as the Arabs. S: You know, I’m in the dictator game H: The only Arabs I’ve seen were in Harry: Excuse me, are you Des Lynam? myself. that film, The Mosque Of Zorro. Saddam Hussein: Er, no, I’m just in town H: Oh, really? Do you think I could S: Oh, I saw that one. I prefer more re- for the UN seminar on nuclear weapons. get work experience? alistic films, like Terminator. H: Are you here to speak at it? S: Do you inspire a religious devo- H: My favourite is Father Of The S: No, I’m here to blow it up. Can I tion in small-minded peasants? Bride. get you a drink? H: Actually, yes. S: Don’t you mean “brides”? The one H: I’ll have a goblet of fire, please. S: Well, pop down to Baghdad some- with the soundtrack by Halal Cool J? S: Alright, I’ll ask the barman. One time. H: That was Chicken Run. fire goblet please. H: Dumbledore says there’s a law S: Oh well, I’ve got to go – I don’t want Osama Bin Laden: Would you like a against sending arms to Iraq, but to miss Husseinfeld. ‘Bye. Manhattan with that? maybe he’ll let the rest of me go. Hermione: I don’t think you should be S: No, but have one yourself. Now tell S: Sounds like a case for Allah McBeal. talking to strangers, Harry. me, young man, what do you want to be By the way, how did you get that scar? Harry: But he doesn’t look like an evil when you grow up? H: It’s a long story. Very long. Much wizard. Top Left H: Well, I considered the priesthood, too long. Ron: No, he looks more like a porn star. but they want little boys for other things. S: We don’t have time to burn the mid- Hermione: Or a pimp. Dear Tortoise I’m at the wrong end of the wand, if you night oil. Ron: Do you think he could get us see what I mean. H: I thought you burned it all already. some action?

Dear Tortoise, TWO COWS...IN ART You are petty and foolish. Leonardo Da Vinci: You have two Damien Hirst: You have two half “Don’t mind if I do” Steve, King’s cows which smile at each other enig- cows. Pickled. matically. Dear Tortoise, Picasso: You have two very messy I’m a big fan of the page, but Michelangelo: You have a white bull cows. how can you justify giving more called David who just stands very, publicity to that horrific monster? very still. He has large genitalia. Jackson Pollock: You have two cow- pats.

Osama Bin Laden is one thing, Christine Haseldine but another picture of Pav Akhtar Rembrandt: You have two cows, but you ignore them and just paint pic- Warhol: You have 32 cows, arranged is unacceptable. Mike, Jesus tures of yourself over and over. in an eight by four grid. They are pink. Dear Tortoise, Magritte: This is not a cow. My lawyer will be in touch. So Haring: You have two dancing cow- will my father. Dali: You have one fish and one cow. blobs. Jesus, Christ’s The cow is a fish. Right in the middle

What do you get...? Guide to palm reading (or: other things you can do with your hands) 1.) If any of these fingers is missing, By the end of term our Random “I’m a frayed knot with too many you’ve been in Sicily too long. Joke Generator™ will write this Essex girls to change a light bulb” Minnie is waiting for you at home. page for us, but as yet it is still a says Cliff. Disappointed that nobody 2.) If there is a line here, Mick prototype. Here are its first fruits: asks him how many, he takes a mag- Jagger is your father. Chris Tarrant, Cliff Richard and ic duck from under his mother-in- 3.) This is the ‘Heart Line’. A line Osama Bin Laden walk into a bar. In law, and picks a fight with a chicken. here indicates that you have a the corner there’s a man with unfeasi- “What’s the difference between heart. bly large breasts sipping on a Fatima Cliff and the chicken?” Bill asks Ben. 4.) This is the ‘Head Line’. With Whitbread. She looks up and asks Suddenly, the barman screams: Trevor MacDonald. “Why the long face?” “I’m an Englishman, an Irishman 5.) This is the ‘Northern Line’. and a Scotsman!” 1 Change here for a Charing Cross So the foot-high piano player 6 train. strikes up with ‘Living Doll’ and a 6.) Medical researchers studying shaggy dog starts singing along. Not skin patterns (dermatoglyphics), 9 having a nose, he just howls ‘Hit me, 5 have discovered a correspondence Bay B. Juan! More thyme!’ between wedding rings and being Chris Tarrant turns round and says married. 10 “Don’t listen to him, he doesn’t 7.) A pulse here indicates that se- 3 know a thing about cars. Let me cretly, you laugh about Osama Bin 8 show you how to get to the other 2 Laden too. side…” 7 8.) A lack of a pulse here indicates It’s then that Michael Barrymore that you wouldn’t be caught dead finds a desert island on the floor and with a necrophiliac. 4 posts it to the gates of heaven, where 9.) This is your ‘Direct Line’. Do- Jim Morrison grabs it by the lapels d-d-do-do-do-do-do-do-dooo. and, in a near perfect impression 10.) This is your ‘Life Line’. Do you of Michael Caine, shouts at the top a) phone a friend, b) ask the audi- of his voice: “But what did you do ence, c) go 50–50 or d) sleep with Marketing Director, Proctor & Gamble with the ship?” Anne Robinson? 20 LIVING FOOD & DRINK 08 February 2002 A www.varsity.cam.ac.uk Leg 3 – Thailand

Johan Duramy & Charlie Rahtz

Khao San Road. Bangkok. Any backpack- boss, yeah? Biggest Buddha in all er’s first stop in South East Asia. The front Thailand! Cheap cheap! Yeah, like, I feel line of Thai culture – half a mile of complete at one with the people and the culture.

sensual overload. We take a deep breath of Please mister? Ten baht for me? Please Eborall Rich Eating Out the warm, multi-scented air, step into the sir? Help me eat sir? They’re all just Bangkok City fray and… like us, you know? Hello! You want see Woh! Hello! Handsome man! Where pussy? Pussy do ping pong, pussy do Bangkok City is central you go?! You want taxi? I take you see banana, pussy do balloon? Taxi?! Pretty Cambridge’s only Thai restaurant big Buddha! Good price! Yes yes, I take bag for you sir? It’s like, inside me, there’s and thus corners a large portion you anywhere, only ten baht! Good this Thai person trying to get out, you know? of the student market. The range of price, I make you good suit. You I sell you CD, mister? Cold drink for the menu is wide enough and the English man, yes? Okay – I from you lady? Quick quick, yes, I take you food is tasty although not spectac- Manchester, I sell you noodle, spring see palace, taxi, good price, OK, yes. ular. Singha (a genuine Thai lager) roll! Pretty lady?! You like sarong? Tuk tuk?! is available, providing a touch of Thank you sir, I ‘keep the change’, ha? But there is more than this to Thailand. authenticity, and the warbling back- Ha ha! Oh yeah, totally! I feel like I’ve fi- We leave the hawkers, the taxi-drivers ground music certainly hints at nally found myself. Tuk tak?! You! Mister! and the hippies of this strange micro- some sort of Thai atmosphere, al- I take you see pretty temple! Man, come cosm and head to Ban Sai Moon and though it doesn’t bring the hustle on! You’ve just got to let him know who’s the mountains of the North. and bustle of Bangkok itself to life. Religion and cooking are inextricably entwined Food-wise, this would be an inade- quate review without praising the Recipes of the week delicious kaeng keow wan (green cur- ry) and the prawn satay starter. The secrets of two ancient dishes There’s spicy food for those who like it and milder dishes for those Thai Salad (serves 4 easily) Thai Chicken and Peanut Curry who don’t. The prices are perhaps Woh! You want to cook fresh salad? You Salad not enough for you – we still hungry, out of the average student range but handsome English man, you! My cousin he no? We cook famous tasty curry! at £20–£25 a head, this might be lives in the mountains and has ancient se- Heat 3 tablespoons of vegetable oil in suitable as a little treat. cret…Forget the som tam stall – they no good! a wok (go borrow one) and add in a ta- I give you recipe for tasty salad he always blespoon of Thai red curry paste. Navin Sivanandam make. Turning the heat to low, add 500g Shopping Start with the dressing…Take stalk of chicken and stir. lemongrass, and chop! Once curry sauce has blended (Sainsbury’s) Add 1 pinch chopped ginger through the meat, add 400 ml of co- Not a great selection, but some es- 1 tablespoon soya sauce conut milk, 250 grams of ground sentials. Get your Nam Pla (fish 1 1/2 cups olive oil peanuts (“my cousin, he lazy but he sauce) here, alongside lemongrass, 2/3 cup of rice vinegar smart, he use peanut butter”), 2 ta- soya sauce, etc… Look good, yeah? Now mister on blespoons of sugar, and roughly 2 ta- to main ingredients! Look! Take large blespoons of Nam Pla (see right). The Market bunch of coriander, one big red chilli, Stir in some kaffir lime leaves! Veggies, get your veggies here! one pack of chives and one pack of Wow! You English, you crazy man! spring onions. Chop! Add to a pack of You no have kaffir? You mad in the Cho Mee, 108 Mill Road prawns. heat or what? Use lemon grass in- Excellent for oriental food, get your Cook 125–150 grams of rice noo- stead. Thai Salad rice vinegar here. dles. Add to the rest of the ingredi- Simmer for around ten minutes, ents and pour dressing. Finished al- garnish with basil leaves and serve Chang Mai Central Market, ready! Wow! with rice. Yum yum! Thailand Live chickens waiting to be roast- ed, ducks aplenty, frogs to be

Book recommendation Navin Sivanandam skinned, chilli galore and even dogs for those gap year kiddos who want Cooking Class Thai, Australian Women’s Weekly Cookbooks to ‘find themselves’… £5.99 Paperback (Borders)

Buying Thai cookbooks in Cambridge The Mystery of Nam Pla is no small feat. However, unlikely as it sounds, this series by the Australian Take several hundred small fish, Women’s Weekly magazine provides lay them in a barrel and add salt. a highly instructive introduction to Thai Put the lid on and come back cuisine. three months later by which time Cooking Class Thai presents flavour- the fish will have fermented. If ful recipes in a step-by-step format. you skim the liquid off the top of An introduction and glossary deal- the barrel, you will have the finest ing with essential Thai ingredients nam pla, a fish sauce which has a Thai chicken and peanut curry are particularly welcome. The pres- ‘powerful’ aroma to say the least. entation and traditional way of eat- Foul as this sounds, nam pla is ing are also briefly covered. an essential ingredient in any Thai The photographs are mouthwa- Tip of the week or Vietnamese kitchen and most tering, and the recipes very ap- recipes will not require more than proachable thanks to the clear and a tablespoon or two of this potent detailed instructions. The recipes “Although no Thai will admit to this,some elixir. Like its ancient Roman cover classic combinations such as cousin, garum, it provides a sub- sweet and sour, as well as the less Heinz tomato ketchup added to your pad tle but distinctive background well known kaffir and tamarind. flavour. Special mention goes to two salads: Thai makes for a nicer colour and enhanced Those who know claim that the calamari, and the chicken with there is nothing that can replace toasted rice. sweetness.” it. Don’t be shy! THEATRE 22/3 Text: Dave Thorley; Illustration: Shelley Keight Dave Thorley; Illustration: Text:

VISUAL ARTS 23/4

LITERATURE 25

MUSIC 26/7

WE THE HEANEY-BOPPERS I clicked open the padlock on my delivering the first of his Tanner lectures fashioned and casually dropped jokes CLASSICAL 27 wrought iron address book and called up for 2002. For those who don’t know – and about the OED exert dutiful titters from each and every one of my contacts; as we were enthusiastically informed be- the Dons and Fellows. This is a man play- sources close to Seamus Heaney dis- forehand – the Tanner lectures are the ing to his fans. And I’m left screaming in- closed that he wasn’t doing interviews. most prestigious lectures ever to be ternally, “you’ve won the Nobel Prize for So I cooked up a plan. I’d meet Seamus named after a commercial jewellery literature; held a professorship at Oxford; at the station, bundle him into a taxi and mogul with an interest in poetry. taught at Harvard; and are widely held whisk him round the block, all the time Heaney’s poet’s voice (standard issue to be the great-granddaddy of modern engaging him in a conversation, poised from the Arts Council of England) is mel- poetry: get used to being institutionalised, between casual chit-chat and probing low and modulating, like a bassoon. And, man”. commentary. We’d careen right onto also like a bassoon, it’s prone to the oc- Seamus Heaney is not one to be hur- Hills Road; left through the red light and casional unwanted squeak when his con- ried, though. It takes him nigh on an hour onto Lensfield; left across the hillock of centration wavers. To confuse trouble- to get round to playing the hits. But when the mini roundabout; slam on the hand- some groupies (all of whom have come he finally launched himself into a bit of brake at the next lights; another left dressed as Seamus Heaney, in green Beowulf, the assembled Heaney-boppers into the path of an oncoming Bedford Macs and woolly hats) the real Seamus went crazy. They nodded and tutted and FILM 28/9 van; and roar back right into the station wears a grey suit and a full-length city inhaled sharply like there was no to- before he could begin discoursing on the coat. And it’s at this point that my atten- morrow. And they bore him aloft on their figurative importance of boggy places tion sputters, stalls, and breaks down. shoulders and carried him home. and burping frogs. Seamus begins discussing Wilfred Owen, But alas, he didn’t come by train. He his well-adjusted tones wooing the gath- arrived stylishly, having easily evaded ered and gawping academics into sub- the booby traps I had laid along his way mission. He’s obviously conscious of be- and promptly set about the business of ing in Cambridge – his carefully ARTS 22 ARTS THEATRE 08 February 2002 A www.varsity.cam.ac.uk It’s Reigning Women Light Comedy Andrew Haydon reviews a new play Edward Evans reviews Black Comedy

Charlotte Keatley’s My Mother ularly impressive), while Hannah space; the acting succeeded despite Flight had crashed and The cries of panic from behind the Said I Never Should is a play Boyde shines as the eldest mother of the different demands of a studio. And burnt. Instead of being treat- safety curtain before the start of the that I have avoided for a very the four. The direction is imaginative, to say that the scenes occasionally ed to Bulgakov, we got show suggested that the cast might not long time. the plot flows, and there is a feeling of courted banality is not a criticism but Shaffer; with only twelve be able to exploit the script’s comic For a start, it is a monument in real dedication and craft behind the a measure of its realism.This pro- days to put together a potential as best they could. Once Women’s Theatre; it has the reputa- simple staging. The set manages to en- duction took the play and gave it a hu- replacemnt, would Keir warmed up, however, the cast more tion of being a badly written, man-hat- Shiels’ production of Black than rose to the challenge. Thomas ing, po-faced, wilfully politically-cor- Comedy meet the same fate? O’Connor’s portrayal of the louche rect dirge that one would pay money It appears that almost no-one artist’s fall was as energetic as it was to avoid. Indeed, there is some fairly cared: I had the choice of engaging, and his ex-girlfriend’s mal- heavy-handed dialogue in the script, almost any seat in the house. ice was neatly conveyed in a careful- mostly of the ‘whoops, exposition!’ The audience was no bigger than ly-paced performance by Katie school; at times the play seems frag- two dozen, and if the lights were on, Baines. mentary, it certainly wears its colours no-one was listening. This was a pity Some characters may have been on its sleeve (“I’m making banners for since, despite the lack of rehearsal one-dimensional, but in this show that our Greenham Common protest”); time, the cast and crew of Black didn’t detract from the whole; Simon and it sometimes seems in danger of Comedy put on a show that was, if not Radford’s cardboard Colonel Melkett not escaping its literary historical cir- polished, certainly of a respectable was loud, grumpy, and fitted his Old cumstances of composition. sixth-form standard. Etonian tie perfectly. Similarly, Keir However, this production is in fact There could even be a lesson in this Shiels’ Harold Gorringe was a toe- a charming and entertaining evening. production’s speed. The short time curlingly camp combination of Bruce It could do with cutting – the action spent rehearsing meant the director Forsyth and Lovejoy with none of of the play takes in the lives of four had less of a chance to tinker with or their redeeming characteristics. This women from successive generations justify this show. No pseudo justifi- man is surely set for a career in day- between 1900 until 1987, and, after cations of Shaffer’s reversal of dark- time television. two and a half hours on the opening Jessica Reynolds ness and light here. No ramblings Don’t go and see this show if you’re night, it did feel like we’d been compass the impressionistic and un- manity and warmth not usually found about the themes of class conflict and keen on “intelligent” student drama; through eighty-seven years with them. certain atmosphere of children’s in agit-prop theatre. As a result, it was manners in the swinging sixties. This this show is the result of group of peo- But the four outstanding performances games (with striking and beautiful use both funny and moving without sac- show did exactly what it said on the ple putting on a show with limited make this production a pleasure to of white sheets and ultraviolet lights), rificing any of its underlying serious- tin: it amused the (few) members of time and resources and succeeding. watch; Micha Colombo, Anna as well as the more naturalistic pres- ness. the audience who bothered to turn up. Yes, the script may have only just been Mackay and Jennifer Kidd all give ex- entation of the character-led scenes. Why? First, Shaffer’s script is first pulled off the shelf. Yes, the produc- cellent performances as their charac- It is a pleasure to see the Playroom be- My Mother Said I Never Should rate. Brindsley Miller is set to show tion is slightly creaky. But it’s still a ters age throughout the play (Jennifer ing used so well, and to have actors is on at the Playroom today and off his new sculpture to a millionaire perfectly competent, unpretentious, tomorrow at 7.15 Kidd’s impression of a baby is partic- evidently enjoy the more intimate when a power cut interrupts his plans. and even genuinely funny production. Having borrowed his neighbour’s best How refreshing. antique furniture, his sales pitch is de- stroyed by his fiancée, her military Spoonface Steinberg Black Comedy is on at the ADC dad, an elderly female neighbour, and today and tomorrow at 7.45 Award winning drama from the ents her unique and pragmatic per- the return of a different neighbour. Oscar-nominated pen of spective on life, death, mankind and Cambridge graduate Lee Hall faith. (Billy Elliot) comes to the ADC The play may be of interest to students this week. of the post-1970 paper (‘popular senti- Spoonface Steinberg is a moving and hu- mentalism’, Drew Milne), and those with mourous portrayal of a young autistic a more general interest incontemporary girl with cancer who makes sense of her theatre. situation much more readily than the All the proceeds will also be donated adults around her–Dr Bernstein, her par- to charity–divided between the National ents, and Mrs Spud the cleaner. Autistic Society and and East Anglia In just under an hour of engaging and Children’s Hospices. Please come and unconventional theatre Spoonface pres- support the production. A very silly play Nathan Koblintz and Claire Wingfield review The Massacre at Paris

If you like your plays camp, tardly Duke of Guise, played by Andrew from the action in front of you, despite irreverent, and full of plastic Ormerod. Bedecked in swishing purple, the resourcefulness shown in the use props, you’ll enjoy the Ormerod is perfect for the extravagance of two foldaway tables that variously Pembroke Players’ production and lavishness of Marlowe’s verse. He serve as tree, ditch, and bed. This is a of Marlowe’s The Massacre at is ably supported by the evil and giggling play with a refreshing lack of preten- Paris. Jeannette Leslie, and, after the Duke’s sion, if we ignore the bizarre, unful- This is a shameless spoof, which murder, Alistair Nunn’s Henry III fills filled claims of the publicity flier: “the hams up its school-play atmosphere, the void admirably, with a memorably play…provides subtle insight into po- whilst speeding through seventeen orgiastic death scene. The rest of the cast litical and religious hypocrisy, as years of history, focusing on the mas- seem to lack the courage fully to seize telling now as when it was premiered.” sacre of Protestants in Paris in 1572, and the words, so the result offers variegat- This production whole-heartedly Correction including the deaths of almost all its cen- ed success. However, there are a lot avoids making a virtue of subtlety. There was a mistake in last week’s article ‘Playroom Renaissance’ re- tral characters. If you have any objec- more hits than misses, and the infectious Time to sack your ghost-writer, we garding the make-up of the CCC Playroom Programming Committee. tions to laughing at such lines as, “take enthusiasm of the cast combined with feel. The article should have stated that the body will consist of three student her away, and throw her in a ditch,” you the intimacy of the space, leads to a Fletcher Players, one Corpus Fellow, and two Art Theatre Representatives, won’t be wanting to see this production. pleasantly funny and silly evening. The Massacre at Paris is on at and not what was printed. Varsity apologises for the error. Pembroke New Cellars today and The plot itself is confusing, convolut- The simple set, lighting and sound tomorrow at 10 ed and best ignored, centring on the das- design do not draw attention away A 08 February 2002 THEATRE / VA ARTS 23 www.varsity.cam.ac.uk Kinky Sex in the Windy City Anything but predictable Mark Watson graduated from And in your spare time? Zoe Strimpel reviews Sexual Perversity in Chicago Queens in 2001. His play Tales Wrote a novel. of the Predictable won a com- “Legs are like money from petition at Queens, and was Mark is quick to assure me that he managed home.” Indeed. In this slightly judged “magnificent” by this within a month only because he had a off simile there is the sexual Stephen Fry. Watson is cur- lot of free time. What’s it about? confusion, humour, and excess rently writing for Hat Trick Bullet Point is experimental in form, of words that characterise Productions. His play, written as you might guess, in bullet David Mamet’s Sexual Screaming Heads is on at the points. I have an agent, but there’s a lot Perversity in Chicago. ADC 13th - 16th February. of luck involved with getting it pub- The scene is Chicago, (impossible!!), lished. People are rightfully suspicious and the content is Bernie (Andre What did you do after graduating? of experimental stuff, so it’s all up in the Marmot, who also directed), a sex- Acted in the Footlights tour Far Too air at the moment. crazed, jabbering, anecdote-stuffed, Happy, which I’m currently re-writing emotional wasteland, Deb (Laura Kolb), for a Radio 4 pilot series, and am now Not following the Bridget Jones brigade then? the illustrator and pseudo-lesbian part- directing my play Screaming Heads at No, whereas theatre tends to en- ner of Danny (Vinay Jain), and Joan the ADC. courage experimentation in lots of ar- (Jeanette Leslie), the bitterest kinder- eas, I’ve found that many modern nov- garten teacher you’ll ever see. Although Astutely realising that this man may have els tend to be more conservative, not blindingly perverse, the obvious career advice in store for me, I ask him his especially in their form and structure. preoccupation of all four people is sex key to success: and what it means. As with all good Being in Footlights gave me a lot of Final word? plays, subtext is where it’s at, although emphatically, perhaps parodying our Danny with admirable fluidity of speech exposure to TV people, which was When you graduate, you choose be- not to a pretentious degree. Here, Deb silly attempts to find meaning in life. and range of expression,0 excelling in good. Even if they think it’s going to flop tween time and money. I was deter- and Danny probably have the most sub- The humour is at its pinnacle in Joan; a the slimy bastard, the sensitive but hen- they turn up just in case. It’s strange mined not to get a proper job. So I have text, as they scrabble to want sex and caricature done to perfection. Laura pecked boyfriend, and the abusive one. re-writing for radio, because a lot of the lots of time. love at the same time, an attempt which Apart from the repetitive staccato comedy depended on visuals. ends with, “You’re a lousy f***!” Deb, Although not blindingly voice of Bernie, who sounds like a thir- feeling maltreated and undervalued, perverse, the obvious teen-year old telling a story, this is a starts withholding the whereabouts of preoccupation of all wholly pleasing play, and the Ronnie Competition! the shampoo, pinning the meaning of four people is sex and Size thrown in between scenes will The Reduced Shakespeare Company, best known for their 90-minute distil- “everything and nothing” on it, much what it means. make you feel as perverse as the lation of the works of England’s favourite bard, are coming to Cambridge with like the meaning of the entire play, and charaters themselves. their new show The Bible - The Complete Word of God (abridged). To celebrate their all things dependent on subjectivity. So, Kolb succeeded very well as the limp arrival, the Corn Exchange has kindly donated two pairs of tickets to Varsity to we can search for meaning or let that but angry Deb, allowing her jaw to hang Sexual Perversity in Chicago is on give away to the first correct replies to this taxing question; What is the Son of happen subconsciously as we enjoy the in just the right expression of sexual per- at Pembroke New Cellars today and God’s alter ego? Answers to [email protected] tomorrow at 8pm humour in the way Deb says it so over- versity and weariness. Jain played Show up and show off Lucy and TK (the co-presidents) invite submissions for the Cambridge Student Art Show

This year we are looking especially as a context for instal- fringe events to run alongside the for painting, sculpture, lation. If you need details of how show. These include an unusual photography and installa- to reach the venue do not hesitate night at Clare Cellars and a talk by tion, and especially video, to contact the presidents via the Charles Thompson from the film and slide work. Art website listed at the end of this ar- Stuckists (Tracey Emin said Billy Thomas Klassnik can be skilful, subversive, ticle. Childish’s work was “stuck, stuck, conservative or new – last Have a look through the win- stuck!” – he is the founding mem- year’s exhibition included dow when you next pass. The clos- ber of the group, see www.stuck- a television installation in ing dates for submissions is this ism.com for more detailed infor- a corner of the space, large weekend (9th and 10th February). mation). oil paintings, geometric Work should be taken to Henry’s There will also be a forum on drawing, and resin and Café between 11am and 6pm on the under-representation of visu- plaster sculpture. This is an either day. al arts in Cambridge, at which exciting chance to show So please bring your work along, Anthony Gormley will speak. your work publicly in we are lookingfor any visual arts AND the film festival is running Cambridge, perhaps even related work: drawing, painting, from 1st-4th March in conjunction to sell it. sculpture, film andillustration. If with the exhibition. The venue this year is Henry’s you have the completed work, Details of these events, the show, Café on Pembroke Street, which bring that with you, but if the work and other art events in Cambridge, offers interesting and unusual pos- is at home it may be possible for as well as some revelatory photo- sibilities for the hanging of works, us to consider it from photographs. graphs that should make you Installation proposals shouldbe smile, can be found at www.stu- written in relation to a proposed dentart2002.co.uk. site. Apart from the exhibition, Submissions to Henry’s Cafe, which will run from 1st-10th 5a Pembroke Street on 9-10 February between 11am and 6pm March, we are also organising 24 ARTS VISUAL ARTS 08 February 2002 A www.varsity.cam.ac.uk Mastery of the Line James Lockhart-Smith strolls through the Hayward’s much anticipated Klee exhibition

on the part of other galleries, or a con- between each work, however minor; scientific and the mythic can be in- which every mark must emerge with scious curatorial decision? That it does- to scrutinize it in this way is fascinating. cluded without a sense of theory being an intense and unrecorded struggle and n’t matter too much is a credit to the At the moment of creation itself, Klee compromised. In ‘The Pathos of each work in its end state be a tri- aptly chosen curators, Bridget Riley and believed in and practiced a kind of Fertility’, a female figure reaches up, umphant balancing act: the grotesque Robert Kudielka; they’ve divided it up absolute freedom, a negative capabili- like Tantalus, toward hanging fruit, but ‘She-Equilibrist Over the Swanp’ can One particular Klee-sim I into sections that broadly represent dif- ty of the hand and eye. The formal as- inside her belly we see growing some be read as Klee’s own satiric comment always remember, because I ferent aspects of the art as much as they pects, all important, are yet only one kind of horrible weed, all cervical roots on the consequences of adopting such associate it with my fear of my do different periods of Klee’s life, and slant; his art has access to a great rich- and fallopian stems. Immense com- an aesthetic so rigorously. art teacher. “Stone the crows!” pride of place is given to paintings and ness of content, it is a space where the plexity held in potency then, from In a morbid way, the last section of he would bellow and spit over illustrations directly related to his the- the show, Disrupted Rhythm, is perhaps my shoulder. “Stop scribbling; oretical writings. Klee’s character was the most interesting. In 1953, Klee be- take the line for a walk!” Klee implicated in some of the most turbu- gan to suffer from scleroderma, a rare watched over our fumblings lent political and artistic developments and incurable disease of the connec- with the impenetrable stare of of the Twentieth Century: forced to tive tissues, and so taking a line for a the basilisk, or so it seemed to move from school to school in the 30s walk, or even a shuffle round the block, me, and the apparently easy by the Nazis, they eventually labeled became increasingly difficult. whimsy of his work, contrast- him as degenerate. He was closely as- Nevertheless the period of reduced ing so starkly with the sweat we sociated with certain movements, yet artistic activity that marked the onset expended, made it all the more there was always something imper- of the disease was followed by the fi- galling. I walk round Paul turbable and highly individual in the nal surprising chapter of Klee’s art, Klee: The Nature of Creation, way his art and theory evolved; his nick- namely the adoption of a much sim- and feel the return of the old name in the Bauhaus was ‘Buddha’. pler and starker visual language, forms familiar resentment. Though something is inevitably made and figures reduced to thickly painted Klee’s more famous works are con- of Klee’s time at the Bauhaus, in all oth- hieroglyphs. spicuous through their almost complete er respects he is presented as a man No concession to populism, but absence. The exhibition doesn’t suffer, alone in this exhibition. The primary London loves this exhibition - when I but I just wonder why this happened. emphasis is therefore on the unity of left the queue extended beyond the

Was it a result of unusual recalcitrance the work as a whole, the interrelations © DACS 2002. Courtesy of Hayward Gallery, SBC, London 2002 gallery entrance – and justly so. The all-seeing I Anyone own a fountain pen? What does a But does state funding produce Claire Bodger goes green over a Royal Academician flaneur mediocrity by removing the respon- with artistic sibility to please? The London Evening For Anthony Green, the much- up the duvet and stare into the penum- but powerful etchings of rock forma- ambitions Standard film critic Alexander Walker acclaimed Royal Academician bra at our toes”. Green is driven by the tions in Cornwall by the exhibition or- have to do thinks so regarding British film. He whose vibrant work has been desire to capture all those transient ex- ganiser Peter Sumner. The works are for finan- thinks that by easing the pressure to exhibited worldwide, art must periences and thoughts that, alongside inspired by a broad spectrum of expe- cial back- reach out to an audience, such fund- be a frank expression of life. the clutter of everyday objects, make up rience: from comment on the tragedy ing? In past ing encourages sloppy self-indul- Life in all the messy grittiness the palimpsest of our visual memory. of September 11th to the familiar centuries, gence. Walker’s skepticism is rooted of its unabashed, unrefined Green was the perfect choice for crutches of student life. you had to in his observation that cinema lives and often excruciatingly inti- adjudicator and speaker at the Downing Green’s response to the work dis- Joe Harris tickle the or dies by its capacity to excite pay- mate everyday reality. He was played was pragmatic; “good but not fancy of some grand courtier. ing customers. Does the same argu- quick to remind his audience Displaying your own good enough” became a leitmotif in his In the Soviet Union, you had ment work for art or writing? When when he spoke at the Downing work is like hanging adjudication speech particularly where to throw yourself prostrate Samuel Johnson said, “No man but College annual art exhibition, your dirty underwear he felt that originality or sheer crafts- before Stalin. In contempo- a blockhead writes, except for mon- that there is nothing naff about out for all to see manship were lacking. If the artwork rary Britain, forget Charles ey,” he was embracing what would appreciating an inherent aes- was of ‘biro’ rather than ‘fountain pen’ Saatchi – the biggest patron once have appalled any literary gen- thetic beauty or even prettiness Art Exhibition held last week. Work quality, then Green felt that there was of the 90s was the DSS. tleman: the idea that commerce and in art. But he is not concerned in a wide range of different media was room for improvement. Yet praise was The dole underwrote the early ca- art should go hand in hand. by the shock-value culture exhibited including evocative photog- also on the menu. He selected three reers of Damien Hirst and Tracey Yet patronage has not always been established by such artists as raphy by Ramjoue, Sarkar and de works that he felt deserved recognition Emin; Britain might never have be- unproductive. What would William Hirst or Emin. Mendona, the accomplished and strik- and also reminded the rest of us about come a pop superpower without it. Blake have done without his eccen- Indeed, he wholeheartedly embraces ing oil Lady in Red by Alex Banks, the the gallery courage needed by any artist State sponsorship of the arts also oc- tric patrons? The exquisiteness the need to paint his own world with mixed media abstract from Hannah who displays in public. “Displaying curs in more targeted ways, some- weirdness of his hand-coloured unrestrained honesty and he enthusi- Adcock entitled How do I look which re- your own work,” Green jovially sug- times requiring the nod of the likes Songs of Innocence and Experience took astically accepts the challenge posed to vealed her original approach to jew- gests, “is like putting your dirty under- of Carol Vorderman. Vorderman art as far from commercial viability our often-delicate sensibilities to “pick ellery and costumery, and the exquisite wear out for all to see.” (famed for thinking Shakespeare “as as is possible. He was an artist with- dull as ditchwater”) is one of the out any kind of public. In ‘trustees’ of the National Cambridge, young talented artists Robinson caters for escapists Endowment for Science, Technology would not be given opportunities and the Arts (Nesta), which annu- like The Student Art Exhibition or When the windows are so Points of View. The exhibition pres- ally awards 13 “amazing people” ImPrint without University funding. myopic with rain that any ents more than one hundred images sums large enough to banish garrets. In a week when the legitimacy of the pleasant view in Cambridge is documenting all aspects of observa- Every year the interest from £200m art establishment has been under- obscured, take an hour or so to tion: new acquaintances, companions, of lottery money - about £10m - is mined by accusations of “disap- amble over to Robinson architecture, light, and the ubiquitous

doled out to promote what the pearing up its own arse”, perhaps College for a pleasant dose of but thoroughly satisfying scenery. Eleanor Burke Paris, body’s chief executive Jeremy Lewis the question is not whether young escapism. This show is perhaps a cost-effective an- calls “the development of an artistic artists should accept state funding From Saturday 9th February until tidote to any niggling aspirations towards gift, or a new discovery, product or because it might corrupt and com- Monday 11th Sophie Crawford takes Ryanair-fuelled weekend escapades. theory that improves the quality of promise, but how we ensure that over the college Games room to hang The exhibition is open daily from 10am un- life for everyone”. such funding does not dry up. an exhibition entitled A year abroad: til 7pm. A 08 February 2002 LITERATURE ARTS 25 www.varsity.cam.ac.uk Unlocking the Past Fionnuala Woods pans the gold from the dirt

The material for this book comes detail. This is true both for tiny inci- from an autobiographical piece of dents like early memories of his moth- writing which was given to the author er’s laugh and the mundane manner by the owner of a bistro in South in which she pats his head each night, Kensington. There is a distinctly au- as well as for major experiences such tobiographical tone throughout the as his relationship with Mark and “I have been a disturbed soul novel; much of the material has been his struggle to overcome his com- and in a way, perhaps not a lifted directly from the journal which pulsion to steal. very nice one. But we are what was given to Lock. However, certain Lock has previous gained fame for we are – aren’t we?” Edwin passages have also been reworked by his talents as an Independant Cinema Carpenter, the novel’s protag- the author because “parts of the man- scriptwriter but he is rapidly gaining onist, poses this question at uscript were written in a rather hasty, credibility as a novelist, now with the beginning of Samuel slapdash manner”. This lends a slight- three publications, including As Luck Lock’s The Whites of Gold. ly disjointed feel to the novel, because Would Have It, which won the But Carpenter undertakes a substan- it is constantly shifting between the Sagittarius Award in 1996. The slight- tial journey along with much soul- styles of two very different men. This ly awkward style of The Whites of searching before he can arrive at this construction also has the disadvantage Gold may mean that there will be no conclusion. He abandons his rural up- of ensuring that the voices are con- repeat award, but it remains a touch- bringing, which included a tyrannical stantly shaded by ambiguity; we are ing and very personal account of one father and a passive mother, but his never quite sure if it is Edwin man’s struggle with addiction and how kleptomaniac personality follows him Carpenter speaking to us directly or he finally obtained peace of mind. all the way to 1950s Chelsea. It is only if he is speaking to us through Samuel with the help of his lover, Mark, that Lock. The Whites of Gold Edwin can begin to free himself from However, Carpenter’s journey is by Samuel Lock his addiction and reconcile himself to always portrayed in a touching man- Vintage £6.99 his past. ner, and with immense thought and Trysting in the City Michael Loeffler finds Jan Morris’s Trieste Brimful of Bill Jan Morris’ writing on journey is made spicy by the contin- Phillipa Pyatt grooves to the 45 beat Manhattan, Venice and gency of gender that the sex-change il- Oxford, is concerned with the lumines. Boys (or are they girls?) have Scotland’s greatest living KLF. During this time he pioneered establish world peace by placing an subjective city that lies some- the poetic habit of sitting beside wa- artist(e), Bill Drummond, sampling and white rap, and re-in- Icon of Elvis at the North Pole are where amongst the temporal, ter and learning that they are her- chose to celebrate his forty- troduced country music queen more difficult to align with literary and remembered city. maphrodite - Narcissus, Orlando, fifth year by asking some of Tammy Wynette to the top of the Drummond’s unconventional tilt at Whatever Trieste means to us Tiresias. Morris’ prose swirls and rush- the big questions. What ever British and American charts. The fi- the windmills of contemporary art is founded in words as much es, it is perfect water-writing: rhythmic happened to Big in Japan, nancial success of the KLF allowed and music. as in mortar. as the tides, its crests break and, as they The Justified Ancients of Mu Drummond to pursue his agenda in Drummond’s style is lucid which The melancholy vision of retreat, expose everything as it once Mu, The Timelords, Echo the world of contemporary art. He certainly contrasts with the con- Miramare, stuck out on a dark little and the Bunnymen, the KLF challenged the supremacy of the tent of his life. A review of his book promontory, rests at the top of the and The K-Foundation? Turner Prize with the K-Foundation is necessarily difficult, since it offers front cover, bathed in the syrupy ha- Drummond was the musical and famously burned a million nothing more than a review of his lation of memory. You can know this creator and ringmaster of all pounds on a remote Scottish island career, which is as interesting and book from its distant, pining cover. of the above, and the art and offered the cased ashes as a varied as you would expect from a The fantastical castle of Miramare arsonist who burnt a million music indiustry maestro. was built for the ill-fated Maximilian, quid to prove a point; he is a His logic is well reasoned and brother of Franz Joseph I the difficult man to place. we can easily concede the necessity Emperor of Austria. Miramare is a When dealing with the writings for hoisting the carcass of a dead hyperbolic vision of that castle. Max’s and motivations of Mr Drummond, cow over the M4; perhaps it is the uncle, Ludwig I of Bavaria, who was we must not forget that this was the spaces between his vignettes that agreed to have suffered from mad- man who offered the world a mon- matter more than the war stories of ness, inspired the fairytale design. Its ey-back guarantee if the reader a rock veteran. What links the man image hovers associatively under the failed to lodge a Number One sin- who wrote “1987 - What the Fuck is ‘nowhere’ of the book’s title. Its very gle after following his step-by-step Going On?” on the side of the South name, like all good Triestine names, was but now glistens and is made new: instructions in a pop star self-help Bank Centre in 3ft lettering, to the is swollen with tristesse, mira mare, “‘the coffee of Trieste’, the waiter as- book. To prove that he wasn’t jok- man who then rented the Barbican a wonder by the sea. sures us approvingly, as though to com- ing, Drummond’s transport, a ven- Centre for his showcase “Fuck the For Morris, the only way to move pliment our taste, ‘is the supreme cof- erable US cop car, released the Millennium” performance? Surely through a city is by riding on the nib of fee in the world’. And when we pay chart-topping Doctorin’ The Tardis more than the expletive, come on a pen: For it is only through this that our bill and wander off again, in half a under the Timelords name. laddie, explain yourself! There are we are made sensitive to the com- minute we are at the water’s edge.” Drummond, or ‘King Boy D’ as he many gaps in Drummond’s life pressions of history, to its stains and Trieste and the Meaning of Nowhere was known in his rapping days, gives which this book does not fill in. spillages - some still visible, others par- asks how we inhabit spaces. The phys- you every opportunity to call his Despite the rock-art antics of this tially erased by progress or neglect. ical and the written exchange proper- bluff. impresario I couldn’t help feeling, Guidebook topography can be an ob- ties; the word is granted the solidity of Drummond cherry-picks twelve come on laddie exaplin yourself! jectifying and spiritually impoverished the brick, and the brick in turn con- months from his forty-five years to way of negotiating a city. cedes the vulnerability and penetra- chart his rise from his religious Scots work of artistic substance and rele- 45 The “necessary explanation” at the bility of language. We are reminded roots to becoming a Liverpudllian vance. Other escapades such as a by Bill Drummond beginning of the book tells us that Jan that there are many ways to live in a indie art and rock impresario and on twenty-four-endurance drive around Abacus £8.99 was once James and so the memory- city; this is the one I choose. to chart topping success with the the M-25 and an abortive attempt to 26 ARTS MUSIC 08 February 2002 A www.varsity.cam.ac.uk PREVIEWS Panic! at Sophbeck Sessions Competition Name: Rowan Stevens College: Sidney Sussex The ruffest, tuffest Jungle night in Subject: Biological Anthropology Cambridge is back again for its Favourite item of clothing: My leather mighty soundclash, and this month Sorry, guys – Vas he too busy this jacket it promises to be one to remember. week for preview write, right – so iss Favourite Album: Psalm 69 (Ministry) me, Georgiou of coss for one time, Ambition: To make my own electronica or maybe two time. record h’OK tonight iss good one. In Hero: Sid Vicious dees Chili times why no go get some Adjective that best describes you: Useless hot Jamaican vibe in Robinson What makes you panic? Waking up and re- Party Room. Is Reggae and Dub alising I should be somewhere from DJ Narrator and crew at Revelation, innit. Name: Charlie Phillips Saturday night I go and support College: Trinity Hall One Whirl wick and to enjoy Subject: English Hafrican Percussion in Clare Favourite item of clothing: My pink To p Cellars. Is Asabre Quaye Saneko. of The Pops T-shirt Warning returns to the Junction on I love the pitta pâté of drummin’ Favourite Album: The Holy Bible (Manic 16th February with a celebration of almost as much as sesame sauce. Street Preachers) a decade of drum’n’bass. DJs tak- Sunday’s to relax, innit, so go Ambition: To be Great Britain’s greatest ing us through this ten-year jour- Relax in Selwyn Bar. DJ Monkey film director ney will be Concrete, DJ Ron, Zinc, Boy wot is one of my bes’ customer Hero: Harmony Korine Ray Keith, Swift, Shimon and Andy is spin all type of hambient music . Adjective that best describes you: C. To win a pair of tickets to Vas he always tellin’ me I over- Neurotic Warning, just answer the question cook burgers. Maybe dees why I below: love Bad Timing at Portland Arms Apart from alluding to an igno- so much. Jus’ like my design for Name: Adele Thomas minious UK Garage collective, the amazing future kebab music policy College: Fitzwilliam following sentence refers to a fa- here is electronic, lo-fi, abstract and Subject: English mous Jungle track: “Underground minimal. Favourite item of clothing: My kinky music was never about 21 seconds Thursday night is Valentine day boots in a crew; it’s always been about 31 of coss. Romantic way for Favourite Album: The Hissing of Summer seconds in a long dark tunnel”. Tell Cambridge rude boy and gel to Lawns (Joni Mitchell) us the name of the track and the spend it is to Hip Hop along to Ambition: To travel back to the ’60s in a artist who wrote it by emailing mu- Junction for Rawganics. You know time machine [email protected]. The first cor- to say you love raw rap music but not Hero: Rene Magritte rect answer to be pulled out of my raw meat innit. Remember, your ke- Adjective that best describes you: bad-ass FUBU cap will win. babiss always well cook a’ Gardies. Psychedelic STEREO-TYPES Live Reviews Back2Back Spy @ The River Bar Thursday 31st January 2002 The next two DJ fantasy trump cards in the limited edition cut-out-and- I’m bored of going to the same old Glassworks gym, it is a small up- to an outstanding set by duo Reed- keep series. bars. Call me a snob but I want market bar and restaurant, stylish- killer. A live sax was played funki- something more than a skipping ly decorated with an excellent range ly over the very best in drum ‘n’ bass CD, playing quietly in the back- of cocktails and an intimate atmos- tunes. DJ Nikon finished off the ground, drowned out by the inces- phere. I headed over there last night with some high quality breaks sant chanting of a victorious rugby Thursday for its weekly offering of mixing. The drinks are a little bit team. So, I found it a refreshing Spy. Tommy Pies started off the pricey but the atmosphere and the change when I discovered the River night with some excellent break- music more than make up for it. Bar. Hidden away, above beat, and built up the atmosphere Anushka Asthana

Courtney Pine @ The Junction Wednesday 30th January 2002 Courtney Pine appears, larger than who’s had a tenor saxophone life and older than last time. The ven- plumbed directly into his windpipe DJ Name: Monkey Boy: I’m hairy. DJ Name: Nikon: it beats erable man of sax emerges, OBE and – and extravagant. Not only can he Styles: Nu-Skool Breaks/Breakbeat ‘Pubehead’. all, a few fashionable seconds into play two saxes at once, but he can do Garage for dancing and eclectic beats Styles: Breaky-tech-funk-eight-pint- the first number. And then we get it collapsed on his ample backside. for chilling. two-steps-fall-on-the-floor beats. jazz. We get virtuoso widdley jazz, Not only can he play from the stage, Weapon of Choice: The Funk Weapon of choice: The Lynx ef- like one of Joe Satriani’s army-sur- but he can play from the farthest (TM). fect. plus guitar solos and we get big band reaches of the highest balcony too. DJ Pulling Power: I’ve had my fair DJ pulling power: Haven’t pulled “new jazz swing” (which is Amazing. Where will he appear share of groupies... any DJs recently! Courtney’s current favourite phrase). next? And in what position? This is Number of Records: At least 250. Number of records: One: world’s And we also get cool handshakes. the type of showmanship which Stamina: My longest set was 3 hours. longest lie-in. Pow. shouldn’t be missed. Next time, fire Special Skills: Dropping an entire- Stamina: Not a lot, see above. Courtney’s talents are various – juggling, snake charming and saxo- ly inappropriate tune that makes the Special skills: Forgetting things, and which is an achievement for one phone swallowing. Dave Thorley Catchesides Tom crowd go wild. then making them up. Favourite DJs: Adam Freeland and Favourite DJs: I honestly can’t re- Cambridge lad Vigi. member, um, “Medium” Dave? What tune rocks the What tune rocks the Hear the music editor’s best tracks at Gardenias on Friday and Saturday nights from 11pm. Cambridge Booty?: Cambridge booty? And there’s more...win a kebab by completing this song lyric: “She’s like the wind...”(e-mail Reach & Spin - Hyper! (Hype The Any minimal drum and bass mixed your answers to [email protected]. Remember, the first five correct answers pulled out Funk) Stanton Warriors Mix. into A-ha’s “Take on Me”. of a hat will win a Gardi’s kebab!) Catch him next @: Relax @ Catch him next @: River Bar on Selwyn Bar 10th Feb. Thursdays, King’s Cellar this Saturday. A 08 February 2002 MUSIC/CLASSICAL ARTS 27 www.varsity.cam.ac.uk

REVIEWS

Following the path of the “New Acoustic Movement”, which already boasts the delights of Turin Brakes and Ed Harcourt, this has the potential to be a beautifully realized record. The falsetto folk-electronica has been heard before, but we forgive this because of his excellent arrangement and talent as a multi-instrumentalist. Ben Christophers does not just aim to please, he Ben Christophers succeeds in refreshing the genre. Lyrics on the side of sensitive melancholia combined with acoustic junctures exude tran- quillity. However, his distorted vocals, reminiscent of Radiohead fused with synthetic sounds, provide an enigmatic edge. If one criticism must be made, it is that despite the substantial bass and confident tone, it never quite reaches the peak you ex- Leaving My Sorrow pect. Yet this is merely a blip on an otherwise untainted horizon. A deviation from his first offerings, “Leaving My Sorrow Behind Behind” is an admirable addition to Christophers’ growing back catalogue: intriguing and atmospheric, making for an ac- cessible sound. Nicky Blewett 11th February 2002

And All That Could Have Been is a live album of their 2000 tour of the States. If you’re a fan of NIN, buy it, you’ll like it; if you’re not, don’t start here. There are songs from all three studio albums, with the old ones probably holding up best: tracks like “Sin” from 1989, which maestro Trent Reznor has successfully updated to sound like gritty trance. He’s the Nine Inch Nails brains behind the layering of the noise and the tight production (although maybe not with the lyrics; don’t listen too closely to “March of the Pigs”, for instance), and when they leave the portentous guitar thudding aside for the looping dance rhythms, it all melds quite nicely. And any band that plays a theremin (look it up – I had to) shouldn’t be written And All That Could off lightly. Yes, NIN do this kind of thing better than most of their rivals. That sounds like Jeremy Clarkson picking Have Been the best of a bunch of family saloons. I guess you could say it just depends what sort of thing you’re looking to spend your money on. Pete Lockley Out Now

Ed Harcourt is the new hope of English singer-songwriting. As such he has achieved critical acclaim (most notably, a Mercury nomination) that no doubt will soon be translated into some semblance of commercial success. His current single is a worthy piece of piano-led pop, influenced by such luminaries as Carole King and The Beatles, topped with a voice that would be Jeff Ed Harcourt Buckley but is rather like Kelly Jones. It has clever chord changes at every juncture, a wealth of catchy tunes, repeats of the final chorus for effect, and all the rest of it. This is a guy who knows his art, who has written a textbook piece of songwriting. But, as with most textbooks, it is also inextricably dull. Listening to this you feel a singular lack of pleasure, as if no one real- Apple Of My Eye ly enjoyed being involved in the making of this track; he writes great pastiches but nothing more. The lyrics, “you walk around the house, then walk around again” are particularly symptomatic of someone who has nothing to say. Here is a record so refined it is stagnating. David Nowell-Smith Out Now

CUMC STRUTS ITS STUFF LISTINGS Friday 8 February Jo Kirkbride checks out Cambridge Talent Mumford Theatre, Cambridge, 1.10pm. Anglia Polytechnic Lunchtime ments showed the orchestra’s true for the many contrasts of character Concert. Duo46. Contemporary music by American and British composers. flair. and emotion. Beth Ilana Schneider-Gould (violin), Matt Gould (guitar). Admission free. Perhaps a somewhat daring inclu- How to follow such impressive acts? Girton College Hall, 8.15pm. Bach: Concerto for two violins in D minor; Handel: sion in this programme, the Bartok Schumann’s Symphony no.4 in D mi- Dixit Dominus; Corelli: Concerto Grosso. Girton College Orchestra and Chapel was for me the highlight of the nor is a somewhat strange piece in itself, Choir. Anna Blinkhorn, Naomi Rump (violins) James Lark, Dominic Grier evening, though it certainly took a due to its single movement design, yet (conductors). Tickets: £4/£2. great deal to surpass the excellent it provided an excellent end to the display Robin Ticciati gave in evening. Dominic Grier’s sensitive di- Saturday 9 February Mozart’s Piano Concerto in A ma- rection led the orchestra through the rap- jor. He quickly settled into the melo- idly changing tones of the piece with ease Bateman Auditorium, Gonville and Caius College, 1.15pm. Saturday The CUMC Chamber concert dious character of the first move- and lucidity, bringing out each section’s recital: Jennifer Dunford (soprano). Admission free, retiring collection. at Clough Hall, Newnham, ment, executing an alarming number individual character, while maintaining St. John’s College Chapel, 1.15pm. Organ Recital: Robert Houssart was always going to be an of scalic passages with ease and an overall sense of balance and direc- (Westminster Cathedral). Admission free. exciting prospect. Featuring poise. In addition, he was able to tion. The triumph of the piece, howev- Queen’s Building, Emmanuel College, 8.00pm Christ’s College Music two of Cambridge’s most bring out the more expressive tones er, came in the final few bars, a vivacious Society presents: Beethoven: Symphony no. 2; Dvorak: Wind Serenade. The promising young conductors, of the second movement with keen rush to the climax that marked a glori- Beaufort Ensemble, Jonny Sells. Tickets: £6/£3. a new yet very talented understanding and an obvious feel ous end to a stunning concert. young pianist, and an orches- Monday 11 February tra comprising most of Cambridge’s finest instru- King’s College Chapel, 7.30pm. Handel’s Messiah. New Cambridge mentalists, how could it fail? Sam Hayes Ensemble, Andrew Griffiths, with Louise Kateck, Tim Mead, Richard Butler, Quite simply, it couldn’t; Edward Grint (soloists). Tickets: £7/£5/£2. from the opening moments of Bartok’s Divertimento for Wednesday 13 February Strings, the audience was entranced. Clare College Chapel, 10.00pm. Ash Wednesday Vigil and imposition of The string sound was rich and ashes. Choral works, including Allegri’s Miserere. Admission free. sonorous, the players demonstrating an accuracy and precision that sug- Thursday 14 February gested they had been playing to- gether for a lifetime, rather than a Pavillion Room, Hughes Hall, 6.00pm. Be my love - a selection of love arias few weeks, a great tribute to Matilda and songs for Valentine’s day. Anando Mukevjee (tenor), Dr Rohan Stewart Hoffman’s precise direction. MacDonald (piano). Admission free. There were a few unsteady mo- The Corn Exchange, 7.30pm. Dvorak: Symphonic Variations, Tippett: A Child ments in the oppressed opening of of our time. Cambridge Philharmonic Society, Martin West, with Patrizia Kwella, the Adagio but that is almost to be Emma Selway, Mark Wilde and Peter Savage (soloists). Tickets pedantic; the energy and exuber- £16/£13/£9/£5. ance displayed in the outer move- 28 ARTS FILM 08 February 2002 A www.varsity.cam.ac.uk

College Films

You’d be a mule to miss: The African Queen Here be Monsters If I was a Bogie, would you blow your nose? Chris Turtle reviews Monsters Inc. 14th/10pm/Christ’s Other Films (this week reviewed by Childcare Action Project–Christian analy- sis of American Culture):

America’s Sweethearts Not only are human sexual vul-

I woke up, dimly aware that I © Disney Enterprises, Inc. garities [Rev. 2:20] and homo- was on a train. It was 9am. sexuality [1Cor. 6:9-10] paraded I rubbed my eyes and coughed–my as acceptable ‘entertainment’ for lungs felt like they’d been through a our young teens and preteens, sawmill. A look out of the window and now bestiality is poking its ugly it was obvious that I was on the out- head into popular movies for skirts of London. I was going to youth. This movie even excuses London to watch a cartoon. masturbation. But I soon forgot my prejudices and 14th/9.30pm/Robinson cheered up–right from the outset, Monsters Inc is irresistibly funny. The A Knight’s Tale movie’s premise is along the same lines Note that the homosexual in- as that of Pixar’s earlier Toy Story; what ference by the use of two major if a popular childhood myth were ac- songs by homo/bisexual artists, tually true? In the latter’s case, toys re- We Will Rock You (Queen) and ally were alive; in Monsters Inc, the mon- Golden Years (David Bowie) is not sters in your closet are real. And there’s likely accidental. At least two a perfectly good explanation for this: homosexual suggestions were energy giants “Monsters Incorporated” presented in the movie serving are harvesting children’s screams to as more de-sensitisation towards power the city of Monstropolis, spin- God’s decree that the practice of ning the myth that kiddies are no more homosexuality is a sin [1Cor. 7:2; than a convenient (though highly tox- 1Cor. 6:9-10]. ic) resource, so that nobody feels guilty 10th/8–10.30pm/Christ’s about scaring the living shit out of them. That is, until a two-year old girl Rush Hour 2 finds her way into the city and be- While Chan was as masterful in friends professional scarer James physical acrobatics as he has ever ‘Sully’ Sullivan (the blue hairy one with been, Tucker was exceptionally the horns). abrasive in his verbal acrobatics. The film works best when it’s being Downright dirty. His motor- just plain silly, and thankfully, it does And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem to be born mouth was about 90% of the ver- this most of the time. There’s plenty of bal ignominy of this movie. If action and adventure too, culminating monsters were a personal favourite), When the press screening was over, ics, mentally preparing reviews of Rush Hour 2 were shown in the most exhilarating animated though it’s a shame the bad guy was- I headed back through the London Monsters Inc in which they would praise through a CurseFreeTV unit, chase scene since the climax of The n’t a little more threatening. My only rain to the station, bustling through the film’s incredible animation and there would be more silence than Wrong Trousers. The monsters them- other gripe was with the wise-cracking crowds of management consultants, original plotline before bemoaning its sound throughout the 85 minutes selves are unlikely to scare anyone–for one-eyed green thing you’ve seen on investment bankers, and other as- lack of “sophisticated” humour and because of Tucker’s mouth. the most part, they’re just amusing par- all the posters, which was irritating and sorted cellphone-sporting yuppies. slapping on four stars. Whatever. I en- 10th/8.30pm/Queens’ odies of human archetypes (the nerd hideous in equal measure. Some of them were probably film crit- joyed myself anyway. Take it and like it With two classic Bogart films at college cinemas this term, Joshua Perry takes a fond look at his legacy So often the knack of becom- ing. From his big screen breakthrough Perhaps most memorably, Bogart of- amoral private eye, he retains an un- As the film acknowledges, a cine- ing a cultural icon seems to in 1941 with High Sierra through to fered us the hard exterior and gift of the derlying sense of justice. This soft cen- ma audience is unable to leave its revolve around the actor’s the 1956 boxing movie The Harder gab of characters such as Philip tre is developed further in films such as celebrity preconceptions at home. ability to die at the right They Fall, released a year before he Marlowe. Long before James Bond be- Casablanca, culminating in the more Bogart’s performances will always have time. Hang around too long succumbed to terminal cancer, Bogart gan smooth talking on celluloid, overt sentimentalism of The African something of the ‘Bogie’ in them, since and, as Marlon Brando would churned out a steady stream of clas- Marlowe was engaging in sharp-suited Queen. In this, Bogart plays Charlie we are unable to separate the two in our tell you if he made sense any sic roles that have elevated him into double entendre with Lauren Bacall in Allnut, an unrefined, gin-loving river- minds. Instead, we appreciate this cu- more, you risk diluting your the pantheon of ‘Heroes of the The Big Sleep. During a suggestive con- trader, opposite Katherine Hepburn’s mulative screen presence, growing to stock through senility. But Twentieth Century’. There were mis- versation at the races he remarks, virtuous missionary, Rosie Sayer. There love his sharp talking and more-or-less follow James Dean to an takes along the way of course. Swing “speaking of horses, I like to play them is plenty of romantic humour in the jux- developed sentimental streak. early grave and there is the Your Lady was considered by Bogart myself. See if they’re front runners or taposition of the two, yet the real in- Consequently, the Bogart movie has danger that you will accom- to be his worst film, creating as it did come from behind.” Similarly, we can trigue lies in how the film plays on the become a distinct genre in itself. The plish too little to demonstrate an entirely new genre: the ‘hillbilly only admire Sam Spade’s audacious- legendary personalities of its lead ac- hill-billy musical farce, thankfully, has fully your talent. musical farce.’ Yet such errors should ness in The Maltese Falcon when, having tors. The episode in which Rosie pours not. At 57, Humphrey Bogart may have be forgiven, partly since the studio hit Joe Cairo, he follows the blow by away Charlie’s gin whilst he recovers The African Queen is being shown by died unfortunately early, yet in terms system made it difficult to turn a telling him, “when you’re slapped, from a hangover was mirrored in real Christ’s College Films on Thursday 14 of legend building, he seems to have script down, but also because the in- you’ll take it and like it.” life, with the straight-laced Hepburn at- February. The Big Sleep will be playing used the same impeccable timing for evitable misses were punctuated by However, Bogart is no one-dimen- tempting to convince Bogart of the joys at Trinity Film on Sunday 10 and Monday his death that he displayed in his act- many unforgettable hits. sional wise guy; even when playing the of milk during filming. 11 March. A 08 February 2002 FILM ARTS 29 www.varsity.cam.ac.uk Hard and fast Digital Film Cornelius returns to spread the love Howard Gooding guesses at unexpected changes mingling with generous helpings of stars to do double anal, but unfortu- The last few years have seen a that fading VHS could never stock. gyrating big-bootyed honies in typ- nately has ceased working since massive jump in the affordabil- DVDs offer, alongside the film, delet- ical porn surroundings such as swim- 1997. ity of digital video. Buy your- ed scenes, director’s commentaries, trail- ming pools and the like. After pick- VCA Pictures’ 1998 release Brown self a camcorder for £500, link ers and more. There is proof that this ing up both the Best Music Award Eyed Blondes, is a truly unique pic- it to your Mac and you’ve added value results in sales: The Matrix and being named top-selling tape of ture in modern porn history, com- got more technological power (one of DVD’s first major successes) can 2001, the rapper, accompanied by a bining a half-decent plot containing than Welles ever had. be re-released with new features and sell 70-strong entourage, celebrated in a refreshing exposure of surfing cul- Enthusiastically adopted by again. Compare this to waiting at the fine style in Vegas’s Venetian ho- ture with regular doses of rubbered- artists, it provides for a degree end of your tape for a brief talking-head tel…before being ejected from the up anal scenes. It features Nikita, Jill of autonomy that earlier with an actor (as if you ever bothered). premises after Snoop’s security men Kelly, Shayla LaVeaux, PJ Sparxx, auteurs were denied: genuine With such contexts and appendices implemented a controversial. Kelsey Heart and Timber, as mem- bedroom film-making. comes the ability to delve into individ- “Chicks only, no dudes!!” rule. bers of an all-girl, surf-music-play- Alongside the growing acceptance of ual scenes and to search scripts: all tools Vivid’s Fade to Black scooped most ing band of blondes. video art, there is slowly building a awards, eight in all, including best Initially the plot develops as the canon of digital films given theatrical re- A medium that offers director and best film. girls seek to secure a lucrative lease: Mike Figgis’s Timecode has a quar- not only high quality In a recent compilation of the top recording contract. But after a high- tered screen given over to four simulta- sound and vision but a 50 porn stars of all time, none other flying record producer (Jim neously shot stories; Harmony Korine’s permanent library that Joe Harris than that moustached-munchkin Julien Donkey-Boy used cameras hid- fading VHS could himself, Ron Jeremy, came out on The movie, for the most den on actors and played with digital never stock top. Undoubtedly a legend in his part, consists of Snoop distortion to beautiful effect. In both cas- A horny hello and a warm own lifetime, the veteran bonker has and his crew intermin- es digital cameras allowed directors free- that promise to revolutionise the study wet welcome back to appeared in over 1500 features, di- gling with generous dom to experiment at a cheap price. of film. With companies like Artificial Cornelius Cunning’s Adult rected over 100 and has also worked helpings of gyrating The new film Atanarjat is the first to Eye re-releasing lost classics, it is possi- Entertainment Review. This on mainstream features such as big-bootyed honies in be made within Inuit language and cul- ble to see and own for yourself the week, I’ll be shedding some Boogie Nights and 9 1/2 Weeks. We typical porn surround- ture, and without Digital Betacam could movies that everyone name-checks, light on some recent porn salute you Mr Jeremy and thanks for ings such as swimming not exist. Much is now being made of rather than waiting years for a random award winners, revealing the giving us all hope – if someone as pools and the like. the expansion of world cinema such print to surface at an obscure theatre. greatest pornster of the lot, damnright vulgar-looking as you can events represent; the hope is that film- Whilst this sounds like an un- and reviewing a 1998 VCA slip into as many juiced-up utopian- Holliday) signs them up, it quickly making will now enter a new era of wanted literariness is being thrust Pictures classic as well. We tittied fillies as you have over the becomes an 11-scene melange of democracy and creativity. upon cinema, perhaps a move in start with the ‘Doggfather’ years (and get bloody paid for it), we fast-paced f**king. Overall, it’s a The other less-reported, yet more fa- that direction would preserve the himself, Snoop Dogg, who all can! pretty well-constructed picture and miliar area of change, is how, why and frontier with television, and may last week picked up two I can also reveal the most recent features a delightful four-girl scene where we can watch these and, just as even spell a revival of live the- gongs at the 2002 Adult Video inductee into Adult Video News’ between PJ, Nikita, Shayla and importantly, older films. Over atre?.Films as individual artefacts, News Awards, for his much- Hall of Fame is Kaitlyn Ashley. Danielle Rogers. Certainly worth a Christmas, DVD players and discs sold freed from studio stereotypes and acclaimed debut f**k- Former winner of several AVN look. in record numbers; consumers are re- carrying with them their own criti- flick…what else – Doggystyle. awards, including Best Supporting Catch you naughty nymphos next sponding to a medium that offers not cal apparatus are perhaps better The movie, for the most part, con- actress in Vivid’s Shame in 1994, week, till then, give her one from only high quality sound and vision but placed than ever to find cultural im- sists of Snoop and his crew inter- Miss Ashley was one of the first porn me! the promise of the permanent library portance.

The dogma of Jason Lee Buena Vista Nick Forgacs follows a skater to stardom

The only legitimate excuse So many young male actors today tu song as he slides down rails, is just- himself to be perfect at making you could have for wanting seem to want to cultivate a laid-back, ly celebrated as one of the greatest Smith’s bile-fuelled abuse sound like to see new release Vanilla zoned-out manner in front of the films in skateboard history. high comedy. Smith declared him to Sky is Jason Lee. Pitched camera; Lee, however, has a kind of Lee subsequently founded his own be the best actor of his generation against Tom Cruise’s grin- free and easy insouciance which pro- company, Stereo Skateboards, which and promptly cast him in his next ning narcissism, his self-dep- claims him a natural. Unlike most of aims to bring an element of what he project, Chasing Amy. This time the recating performance in the his Hollywood contemporaries, he described as “fine artistry” to the film was a huge critical and com- supporting role is a delight; didn’t spend his teenage years locked sport. Unfortunately this high-mind- mercial success and Lee won the tender and scruffy, yet rueful away in drama school, but instead ed aspiration failed to ignite the 1997 Independent Spirit award for and resigned. Lee has actual- travelled the world as a leading pro- imagination of many of his fellow his portrayal of the malcontent com- ly been quietly rescuing fessional skateboarder. After turning skaters, and, disolusioned, Lee de- ic-book colourist Banky Edwards. major Hollywood films for pro at the age of 16, Lee became one cided to give up skateboarding alto- Lee has subsequently bided his the past couple of years; his of the most celebrated figures in the gether. Virtually untried as an actor, time in largely sub-standard fare, but sarcastic put-downs were the sport during the early nineties; he he walked into the part of smart- 2002 looks set to be the year that he sole redeeming feature of last was the first ever to perfect the art of ass Brodie Bruce in Kevin Smith’s finally goes big. He is set to take his year’s atrocious comedy the 360 degree flip, and one of the Mallrats. The film, the follow-up to first lead roles: alongside MTV’s Tom Heartbreakers, whilst his first to be immortalised in his own the indie-hit Clerks, was a spectacu- Green in The Promise; and, a lot much ephemeral turn as an egotis- signature Airwalk shoe. His per- lar failure, but Lee shone through. exciting, reprising Chevy Chase’s role tical rock star in Almost formance in the 1991 Spike Jonze-di- He announced his arrival into the in Smith’s remake of the 1985 classic Famous was the only palat- rected film Video Days, which sees world of major motion pictures by Fletch. In an industry dominated by able part of that sickly-sweet him hamming it up in front of the yelling, “Sweet fucking Christ, would Toms and Nicoles, it’s about time Cameron Crowe offering. camera and bursting into impromp- you just knock it off?” and proved he got the recognition he deserves. 30 SPORT 08 February 2002 A www.varsity.cam.ac.uk FOOTBALL FOCUS A round-up of college football from the Varsity Sports Team

captain Jez Moloney – the final score Magdalene put pressure on the lead- Division 1 Division 2 5-1. Darwin now go top on goal dif- ing runners at the top, which is now Division 3 ference. Meanwhile, Magdalene beat becoming increasingly tight as two With so many fixtures yet to be This week saw a top-of-the-table clash Caius 2-1; a result which means points separate the top five. A two-horse race has developed between played, it would be hard to predict as Downing, in second place, met Selwyn and King’s. Their recent 2–2 where the title will end up this year. Emmanuel, positioned just below draw did little to separate them, though

The goals of Gower have put John’s them in third. With Homerton, the Seb Jones Selwyn’s extra fixture has let them es- in a commanding position and, fol- leaders, not playing, it was an ideal tablish a slender lead. With crucial vic- lowing their defeat at the hands of chance for one of the two to jump into tories in the bank, Corpus seem to have Homerton in Cuppers that allows top spot. Neither of them took ad- made third position their own for the time them to focus on the League, they vantage though. Mark Tsang scored being, whilst there is only three points’ must be seen as favourites. Providing for Emma, only for his goal to be difference between fourth and last place. they keep on winning, they will be equalized in the dying minutes by Strong challenges may yet come in the champions but should there be any James Brown of Downing. The result form of Long Road II, Sidney Sussex, slip-up then Jesus will be keen to meant that the prospect of becom- and Queens’ II, though this will depend seize the opportunity to go top. The ing league champions now seems a lit- on how these teams take advantage of only difference between the two is tle distant given they have both played their games in hand. There is little to John’s narrow 1-0 victory but since significantly more matches than every- choose between St John’s and Trinity then Jesus have been piling in the one else in the division. This gave Hall; either team could still go down, goals and Jon Young’s decisive win- Darwin the chance to sneak in from whilst Christ’s, having already played six, ning goal against Girton means the fourth spot to go level with Homerton will find it difficult to move themselves pressure is still being applied at the at the top. The opportunity was taken from the foot of the table. However, top. as Darwin netted five goals past the season is barely halfway through, with Churchill, including a goal from their Heading for the top: St John’s, Darwin and Selwyn lead the divisions much more football to be played. League Tables, Results & Fixtures Men’s Rugby Men’s Football Men’s Hockey Women’s Hockey Women’s Rubgy

Division 1 Division 1 Division 1 Division 1 Division 1 PWDL F APts P W D L F A Pts P W D L F A Pts St John’s 13 11 0 2 370 64 46 St John’s 43108010 Emmanuel 751119411 P W D L F A Pts P W D L F A Pts Downing 12 9 0 3 287 83 39 Jesus 43011429 Pembroke* 751127810 St. Catherine’s 440032012 St. John’s 55001891710 Robinson 12 7 0 5 210195 33 Fitzwilliam 3210617 St John’s 64021688 Jesus 32011026 Queens 440095148 Emmanuel 12 7 0 5 291203 31 Queens’ 52121067 Caius 632118128 APU 3201445 Jesus 531170687 Jesus 11 6 0 5 142167 29 Pembroke 51221105 Christ’s 74031068 Fitzwilliam 4121375 Churchill 530290556 St Catharine’s 13 5 0 8 216287 27 Girton 3111254 Cambridge City 531113137 Girton 41128114 Newnham 6303101946 Fitzwilliam 11 4 0 6 146189 21 Trinity 3102843 Robinson* 622225185 Queens 2101523 Clare 630398916 Magdalene 14 0 0 14 75 546 12 St Catharine’s 1001020 Jesus 52121065 Caius 2101453 Trinity 410358532 APU 30031180 St Catharine’s 6213495 New Hall 3012191 Emmanuel 301221871 Division 2 Long Road* 100102-1 Queens’ 51135122 Churchill 60033300 St Catherines 400401040 P W D L F A Pts Fitzwilliam* 6006123 -1 St. Johns II 4 0 0 4 12 151 0 Division 2 Trinity Hall 12 10 0 2 198136 42 APU* 6006130-2 Division 2 P’house/Selwyn 12 6 2 4 207109 32 P W D L F A Pts Division 2 Trinity 12 6 1 5 223152 31 Darwin 440022312 Division 2 P W D L F A Pts Queens 12 6 0 6 145129 30 Homerton 440017412 P W D L F A Pts Pembroke 4301919 P W D L F A Pts Christ’s 10 5 0 5 167151 25 Downing 632115811 Trinity 7511311511 Homerton 3300729 Caius 4400110198 Girton 10 5 0 5 140104 25 Emmanuel 7322101311 Downing 74121599 Trinity Hall 2200916 Pembroke 421167345 Churchill 93159113219 Magdalene 43106110 Clare 732216108 Emmanuel 2200406 Girrton 421154425 Pembroke 91082628411 Churchill 412310135 Trinity Hall 5410718 Trinity 4112334 Downing/Magd.320144294 Clare 3112384 Sidney Sussex 540113158 Clare 4112354 Trinity II 320142324 Division 3 Robinson 41039163 Magdalene 53112237 Newnham 3102283 Fitzwilliam 420252584 P W D L F A Pts Caius 51047153 Corpus Christi 622212126 Magdalane 3003170 Christs 410352782 Sidney Sussex 99003904236 Fitzwilliam II 50052170 Peterhouse 7 2 1 4 10 12 5 St. John’s 3 0 0 3 2 13 0 Peterhouse 5104271032 Caius 6402141 88 18 Girton 821511224 Sidney Sussex 300326790 Clare 640216910918 Division 3 Selwyn 62046224 Division 3 *deducted 1pt King’s 52037218011 P W D L F A Pts St John’s II 70257172 Corpus Christi 6006563035 Selwyn 651026516 Churchill 610510222 P W D L F A Pts APU 4004221502 King’s 541022813 Robinson 431011110 Courtesy of Kate Whittaker Division 3 Courtesy of Ben Poynter Corpus Christi 7412161213 Christs 2200906 APU II 520312126 P W D L F A Pts St. Catherine’s II 2200716 Sidney Sussex 420210116 Jesus II 550016010 Selwyn 3111424 Any league secretary Blues Rugby Long Road II* 520310135 Caius II 5 3 0 2 13 10 6 Downing 31023103 Queens’ II 4112684 Queens’ II 2512895 Jesus II 3021252 wishing to have league Fixture St John’s II 511310144 Kings 32011074 Sidney Sussex 3012181 Trinity Hall 51139204 Pembroke II 3201534 Corpus Christi 40132121 tables published in Varsity BLUES V RAF Christ’s 61055233 St. Catherines II 4112363 Sport should contact: Wed 13th Feb (1900) Emmanuel II 2101322 Courtesy of Rachel Cooke Grange Road Courtesy of Rachel Cooke Girton II 70070210 Men’s Hockey Courtesy of Dave Emery [email protected] A 08 February 2002 SPORT 31 www.varsity.cam.ac.uk

WOMEN’S HOCKEY CROSTYX UNPICKED Continued from back page... alike, in a harrowing ten minute spell. Whilst Cambridge went for the gressive challenge went unpunished as Undaunted by the equaliser, the MEN’S HOCKEY Cambridge were forced to concede a proverbial jugular, Crostyx seemed to Rob Lancaster was set-up wonderfully Blues returned to the pitch with re- Jenny Taylor penalty corner, and the resulting strike go for the literal one, as the game turned by a pin-point pass only to be pole axed newed determination and a burst of beat keeper Artaman and battered the into a contest approaching warfare. The as he pulled the trigger. exciting passing play that put BLUES 2 back-board. The Cambridge pride ral- inevitable calamitous result was Jamie Resolute tackling from Neil Wilson Stortford immediately back on the Fulford (17), Little (50) lied, and had the best of the last ten min- Parker finding himself ambushed at the and Rusty Abel on the left flank snuffed defensive. Keeper Daly and full backs utes, but both packs went into the in- top of the ‘D’ by a hideous challenge. out some surging striking play. Gareth Coveney and Kendall defended CROSTYX 1 terval with a goal apiece. Though he won a short corner, his re- Kenny and Rob Cole combined well as solidly, dispossessing the Stortford But it was Cambridge who came out sulting injury will mean he misses the they released Rob Fulford and Stevie attackers and distributing the ball The gentlemen of CUHC play with fighting the harder in the second half, next vital few weeks in Varsity Match Sweets down the right. By this stage of with poise and control. a Golden Lion emblazoned on their and their pressure was rewarded when build up. the game the Essex old boys in midfield The woodwork once again denied chests. Man has always honoured Dickie Little made a run into the ‘D’. Rog Wilcox nearly put his paw print began to run as well as the second-hand Cambridge as Vicky Hutley’s strike the King of Beasts, crediting this ma- He decided to go it alone and finished on the game with a marauding attack, cars they usually sell, but the match was pinged off the post, but she got a vi- jestic moggy with attributes he decisively with a ‘purrfect’ flick into the but was hacked down by Crostyx keep- already over. In the end, Cambridge tal touch on one of Parkinson’s trade- prizes most; nobility, courage, com- right netting just ten minutes into the er as he rounded him. Yet again, the um- were the cats to get the cream, whilst mark short corner bullets to put the bative skills and sexual prowess. The half. pires failed to act and another overly ag- Crostyx were left to lick their wounds. Blues back in front. Two dubious short Blues showed such quintessential corner decisions from the umpire de- qualities in abundance on Saturday, nied both Laura Sorensen and Jenny in a game that looked closer to a Parkinson positions on the score ‘rumble in the jungle’ than a stroll sheet. But then Parkinson converted in the savannah. The Crostyx chee- another short corner opportunity, the tahs were sent back to Essex, tails ball making a satisfying crash against between their legs, with a 2–1 win, the backboard, having blasted its way seeing Cambridge take the lion’s between the keeper’s pads. share of the points. The match culminated in a glori- Though Cambridge seemed to be ous movement in which the ball start- catnapping early on, they put together ed on the right, before being switched a few decent attacks. Captain McClive through Martha Newell and out to mauled magnificently in midfield, re- the left from where Rosie Reeve sent leasing Paul Bevan who began to roar a fine cross which was inches away up the field with ever-increasing results. from the sticks of Sorensen and Katie Against the run of play, a sweeping de Wit who were advancing on the move on the counter attack saw Jamie right, and the thrilled and chilled Parker at full pelt deliver a ball to young crowd were left eager for more. The cub Rob Fulford, who steered the ball Blues performance topped off a fine into the top right corner with feline fi- day for Cambridge Women’s hock- nesse. However, the Essex boys were ey as the Nomads and Bedouins both never going to roll over that easily. With dispatched Peterborough opposition a renewed vigour, Crostyx took the 2–0 and 4–1 respectively. This bodes game by the scruff of the neck and Rowan Huppert well for their Varsity matches, sched- hacked and harassed player and umpire Paul Bevan dribbling freely uled to take place at Iffley Road, Oxford, on Monday 18th February. Games for a laugh? Varsity takes it seriously... Varsity previews the Light Blues’ foremost confrontation

Never mind it being the eve of the dividuals compete regularly in na- port. The committee, who formed last

Winter Olympic Games and all tional leagues and have been very suc- year, have been meeting weekly to Phillip O’Keefe that. The only Games we should cessful in BUSA competitions. ensure everything in the Games runs be worrying about are the Varsity With Oxford winning the overall games smoothly and, above all, that the Games starting in a week’s time. quite convincingly last year, the 30th Varsity Games take place at all! This year, The weekends of the 16th and Games are set to be some of the most ex- sponsors include Tesco’s and the Law 23rd of February shall see the cul- citing yet as the Blues teams aim to turn that firm Denton Wilde Sapte whose sup- mination of literally thousands of result around. Some of the competitors in port is both generous and essential – hours of gruelling training to what the Games hold International colours so we thank them greatly. is one of the most prestigious and so it really will be an awesome event As this year’s games are to be events of the Cambridge sporting for spectators and competitors alike. held in Oxford, the Dark Blues will year – the 30th annual Varsity Whether the Dark Blues will triumph again have the home advantage so any Games. or whether the Light Blues have what it takes spectator support received from Over 800 competitors from two of to fend off their Dark Blue foes is all in the Cambridge students, or from any- the leading academic institutions in hands of the competing sportsmen and one who doesn’t like Oxford, will the country, the Universities of women as they make their final prepara- be greatly appreciated. If anyone Cambridge and Oxford, will be meet- tions to face each other in their respective can find their way over to Oxford ing in Oxford to represent their uni- Varsity matches. on either weekend, their support versities in no fewer than twenty Almost as staggering as the amount will be warmly received – especial- sports. Ranging from sports as diverse of physical preparation the competi- ly as Cambridge are this year’s un- as lifesaving to those as mainstream as tors undergo is the amount of prepa- derdogs thanks to the humiliating swimming and basketball, these ration and organisation undertaken defeat last year. Having said that, Games act to exemplify the sheer mul- by the Varsity Games Committee. victory is by no means out-of-reach titude of talent competing, as well as Led by President Gavin White, the as the Cambridge competitors have providing a forum to act out the an- committee of six, who themselves will the chance to show, once and for cient rivalry between these Oxbridge be competing in the Games, handle all, which is the better Oxbridge institutions. Many of the teams and in- everything from sponsorship to trans- university. Ding Dong Ping Pong. ARMY FIRES BLANKS

in the corner before half time to score RUGBY UNION himself; only for Edwards to fluff the Jonny Mather conversion once again. The Army team boasted several at-

Rowan Huppert tractive Fijian players who are probably BLUES 29 recruited as much for their military skill Count, Blaikie, Rivaro, Baker 2 as many Blues players are for their ac- ademic excellence. But in the second ARMY 15 half, they began to lose their strength and could not continue their spirited re- Any wintry Cantabrigian who pression of the continued Cambridge headed down to a perishingly cold attacks. This was good despite their good Grange Road on Wednesday night restart, when fly half Daryl Cooper in search of some exciting rugby charged straight through Tom Blathwayt to rekindle the internal fire will to score. have left slightly glowing, but still Although the Cambridge players only just lukewarm. New captain started succumbing to a strange bout of Duncan Blaikie’s side drew up the injuries and the team started to lose its battle lines against a British Army discipline (with lock Ed Mallett being team playing only their second sin-binned on 56), they had finally be- proper match of the season; the gun to get the ball out to their flanks. first a recent 32–12 defeat against This was achieved not through the fine- Oxford. With this in mind, it is sur- ly rehearsed moves of the first half prising that it was only with the in- that had been prone to be unravelled troduction of Marco Rivaro in the by moments of indecision, but by sim- 63rd minute, and the final quarter ple no-nonsense rugby. Here James of an otherwise frustrating match, Baker was able to show off his blister- that Cambridge managed to make ing pace with a fine late brace of tries, their superiority show. after the shining Rivaro had run through Charge of the Light Blue brigade with military precision to touch down Charge of the Light Blue brigade this was not. Too often moments of right under the posts, giving re- fast-flowing and attractive rugby were gave the ball away, leaving his stunned and only a few minutes later, the Blues ing up though, the Blues failed to secure spectability to the score line. let down by poor handling or bad tim- team mates exposed to the pace and scored. Mike Count broke through with the ball from the restart and then gave The Army are traditionally the ing as Cambridge struggled to pene- quick change of direction that the a football-style dribble to initiate a maul away a penalty right in front of their own strongest of the armed forces sides, so trate the massed ranks of the Army’s Army showed, allowing full back Dave on the Army line, from which he bus- posts, converted by Coen. Skipper the upcoming games against the RAF defence. The first try came after just Blackburn to run through. tled in for his third try in two games. Blaikie could be seen trying to calm and the Royal Navy should be even three minutes as number 10 Owen From this inauspicious beginning, However Edwards’ conversion was his side and, not wishing to be outdone more of a training exercise than Edwards, who had a shocking first half, Cambridge gradually cranked into gear miles off target. Just as things were look- by his predecessor Count, went over Wednesday’s game.

Blues Bash Bishops Seb Jones

WOMEN’S HOCKEY misses and goals – some of which were ward Helen Lloyd that whistled past allowed! the post, and Laura Sorensen’s un- Jo Galloway Cambridge won the toss and chose dercut from the top of the D that hit BLUES 3 to take first push back since the cross-pitch the upright, elicited sharp intakes of Sorensen, Hutley, Parkinson winds favoured neither side. The first few breath from the onlookers on the minutes saw the Blues settle into their windswept touchline. As half time ap- BISHOPS STORTFORD 1 game, with Martha Newell distributing proached, it looked as though the goal well from the middle of the park, and Elly “drought” reported to have been The Ladies’ Blues fixture against Pickford and Shona MacKenzie link- plaguing the Blues side had finally Bishops Stortford last Saturday drew ing up nicely down the left-hand side. come to an end. However, Stortford a crowd of hardy supporters, who Cambridge opened the scoring when full equalised on the stroke of half time braved the gale-force winds that back Kath Coveney made one of her with a nicely taken open-play goal that swept Fortress Wilby, and came to characteristic forays into the Stortford de- slid past the orange pads of goalkeep- support the Blues, who have been fensive 25. After weaving her way er Marie-Lou Daly. languishing perilously close to the through the bemused Stordford defence, The Cambridge performance af- bottom of the East Premier League. Coveney slipped the ball to skipper Laura ter half time was testament to the Those who watched were rewarded Sorensen, whose well-prepared reverse composed and collected play that Will Cambridge bounce back? for their dedication by a spectacle of stick flick sailed past the static keeper. coach David Richardson has instilled hockey that had it all: fine skill, profes- One goal up, the Blues piled on the in the girls. sional passing play, breathtaking near pressure. A smart strike from centre for- Continued on page 31… Varsity Games - Pg 30