Making Bad Stuff Good

Sandra McLeod Humphrey

Royal Fireworks Press Unionville, NY Dedicated to all the young men and women with whom I have worked, both professionally and as a volunteer. You have taught me far more than I could ever teach you. Thank you!

Royal Fireworks Press First Avenue, PO Box 399 Unionville, NY 10988-0399 (845) 726-4444 FAX: (845) 726-3824 email: [email protected] website: rfwp.com

ISBN: 978-0-89824-379-6

Printed and bound in the United States of America using vegetable-based inks on acid-free, recycled paper and environmentally friendly cover coatings by the Royal Fireworks Printing Co. of Unionville, New York. Contents Dear Honorary No-Name Clubber ...... 1 Meeting 1: Garbage In, Garbage Out ...... 2 Meeting 2: Black, Black Everywhere ...... 6 Meeting 3: Good News, Bad News ...... 11 Meeting 4: Choices, Choices, Choices! ...... 15 Meeting 5: Whatever Works!...... 19 Meeting 6: What You See Is What You Get ...... 23 Meeting 7: Now You See It, Now You Don’t ...... 27 Meeting 8: Conscious? Subconscious? ...... 31 Meeting 9: Messing Up Can Be Habit Forming ...... 36 Meeting 10: Attitude Is Everything! ...... 40 Rainbows and Chocolate Chip Cookies ...... 45 Meeting 11: Lights, Camera, Action! ...... 49 Meeting 12: Blue, Blue, My World Is Blue ...... 54 Deviled Eggs and Dracula ...... 58 Strikeouts and Interceptions ...... 61 Meeting 13: Failure Isn’t Final ...... 64 Baseball and Hot Dogs ...... 69 Chapter 14: If Only, Next Time ...... 72 Chapter 15: Bad Day Blues ...... 76 Use It or Lose It! ...... 80 Talent Shows and Butter!ies ...... 83 Meeting 16: Really Bad Stu" ...... 86 Meeting 17: Give a Little, Get a Little ...... 89 Meeting 18: A Whole New Ball Game ...... 92 Meeting 19: Our Ten Rules to Live By ...... 95 #e Bottom Line ...... 99 How we respond to what happens to us is more important than what actually happens to us. Attitude is everything! Dear Honorary No-Name Clubber

This book is all about problems and what you can do about them. Problems aren’t necessarily bad. They are a part of life, and dealing with them constructively can make you a stronger person. Meeting a challenge or solving a problem can sometimes even be fun. ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING! What matters is: 1) How you see the problem—as devastating or as a challenge or an opportunity. 2) What you do about the problem—whether you run away from it or whether you face up to it and deal with it. 3) And how you feel about yourself after you deal with the problem—whether you feel like a loser or whether you problem. If we face each problem as it comes and deal with it, then we’ll be more ready and able to tackle the next problem that comes along. More important than what happens to us is how we respond to what happens to us, and we have the power to choose how we respond to what happens to us. Remember, you can learn from your problems and grow stronger in the process. How you handle your problems today can give you a good start on handling tomorrow’s problems— no matter how big or small! So come along and join the members of the No-Name Club as they learn some new things about solving their problems.

1 Meeting 1 Garbage In, Garbage Out

“So what do we call our club?” Lisa asked, pulling some sheets of paper out of her notebook and spreading them out on the table in the cafeteria. “How about the Losers Club since we’re all losers?” Keisha jabbed Jamal in the ribs. “Jamal, we’re not losers just because we don’t hang out with the popular kids.” Cynthia shook her head. “Let’s face it, the popular kids wouldn’t be caught dead with us. Just look at us—we’re all a bunch of losers.” Lisa was quiet for a minute, then reached for her backpack. “Guys, I think we’re forgetting why we formed this club—to help us with Ms. Jackson’s new class.” Jamal plopped himself down on his chair and let out a big sigh. “And that’s exactly why we’re all losers. Why do you think she chose us to be in her problem solving class? Think about it. She’s a guidance counselor. You don’t have to be a Lisa rummaged through her backpack and pulled out a book. and she said she chose us to be like a trial run for her. If we like the class, then she’ll offer it to other kids.” Everyone was silent. Cynthia bit her nails. Jamal popped his gum. Lisa plowed on. “I think this book we’ll be reading looks pretty cool. It’s supposed to help us solve all sorts of problems. Besides, the class only meets once a week. How hard can that be?” Cynthia pointed to the book. “Just look at the title. When Bad Things Happen. It’s making me feel worse already.

2 Garbage In, Garbage Out

Seriously, how can a book help us solve problems? I call it a stupid book for a stupid class!” Mario signaled for a time-out. “Don’t you think we should at least give it a chance before we decide it’s a dumb class?” chapter last night, and I have a question for you, Mario, our computer whiz. What does ‘garbage in, garbage out’ mean?” Mario smiled. “Well, the computer can only use what the programmer puts into it. If the programmer puts in a bad program, only bad stuff will come out.” Lisa nodded. “That’s just what the book says. It compares our brains to a computer, and it says it’s really important how we program our brains.” Cynthia rolled her eyes dramatically. “Okay Miss Teacher, so what does that mean in regular English?” “I think it means,” Lisa continued, “that since our brains will try to come up with the answers to the questions we ask it, it’s important to ask it the right questions.” Mario looked up. “So it’s like if I ask myself, ‘Why do bad things always happen to me?’ then my brain is going to come up with a whole list of all the bad things that have happened to me David nodded. “I get it. So my brain is going to search my memory bank and come up with all the bad stuff that’s ever happened to me. Things like not getting invited to Melissa’s and eating lunch by myself yesterday because my friends were loser, a really big loser. But I guess my brain was just doing its best to answer the question I asked it.” Then Keisha’s eyes lit up like two headlights. “Hey, so what if you ask a different question? Like you ask yourself, ‘Why am I always so lucky?’”

3 Meeting 1

“Then I guess I’d come up with a whole different list,” replied David. “Things like my great friends, the A I got on my math test, and going to a car show with my dad this weekend.” Jamal grinned. “Yeah, I’m always asking myself why I’m such a loser, and I come up with this really huge list. I’m a loser because I didn’t make the basketball team, because I got a D on my math test, and because I’m always late for everything. Do you want me to keep going?” There was a group groan, and everybody shook their heads. Keisha was quiet for a moment, then looked at Jamal. “But what if you asked yourself a different question—like ‘What good stuff has happened?’” Jamal’s grin came back. “It’d be a totally different list. Going to the baseball game with my uncle, going camping with my cousins, and getting a B on my science test.” Lisa interrupted as she pushed her glasses back up on her nose. “So how does that make you feel?” “Actually, I’m feeling pretty good. So if my brain is going to try to answer my questions and solve my problems, then I guess I’d better ask the right questions.” “Okay, all this is very interesting, and I see what you’re getting at, but we still don’t have a name for our club.” Cynthia stood up and moved toward Mario, her eyes Just when did we even decide to become a club? I thought this was just a study group for Ms. Jackson’s class.” “I like the idea of making this a club,” David said, glancing up at Cynthia. “I say we call ourselves the No-Name Club until Monday, I say we have our club meetings every Wednesday after school so we can talk about the next chapter together.”

4 Garbage In, Garbage Out

Keisha nodded. “Sounds like a plan, and I vote we meet at Lisa’s house, since it’s the closest to school.” Everyone voted in favor of calling themselves the No-Name Club and meeting every Wednesday at Lisa’s house, except for Cynthia, who just rolled her eyes again. to us—the No-Name Club. May we always ask the right questions!” Cynthia shook her head. “Jamal, you are such a nerd.”

More to think about:

Think of something that scares you. How do you feel? Think of something embarrassing. How do you feel? Think of something that was a lot of fun or really satisfying. How do you feel? Think of something you’re proud of doing. How do you feel? How can you change how you feel by changing your thinking?

5 Meeting 2 Black, Black Everywhere

David rolled over and pulled the covers up over his head. There was no way he was going to get up and go to school. He might never even get out of bed again. Ever. Yesterday had been a horrible day, and he was not about to have a rerun today. In spite of himself, an instant replay of yesterday’s disasters rolled through his head. not cleaning up his room, and his younger sister Tina scribbled all over his karate lesson book. And today he had a big science test. He couldn’t even pronounce some of the words, let alone understand them. He heard his mom calling him for breakfast, so he dragged himself out of bed and padded down the stairs in his bare feet. again because she had to call him twice for breakfast. Things were bad enough already. Tina was already at the breakfast table, drawing pictures of her favorite cartoon character—a dumb robot called Sammy. She was in one of her irritatingly good moods, as usual. Just wait until she started middle school. Then she wouldn’t be so dang happy all the time. If there was anything David hated, it was someone feeling good when he felt rotten. At school, David sat through all of his classes like Tina’s robot Sammy, sitting there but not really listening. He was counting the minutes until his No-Name Club meeting. At least there he felt like he belonged. They were all losers, too. hadn’t been too bad, but he couldn’t erase yesterday’s disasters 6 Black, Black Everywhere from his memory. All the way to Lisa’s house, he rattled on and on about his horribly horrible day. while everyone staked claims to their favorite chairs and Keisha Lisa held up the book for Ms. Jackson’s class. “Has anyone read Chapter 2 yet?” “I’m sure you have,” Cynthia muttered under her breath. No one raised a hand, so Lisa continued. “Good, because I’m going to try the experiment that’s in Chapter 2. Is everybody ready?” Cynthia did her usual dramatic eye roll, Jamal shrugged, and the rest of the group just nodded. “Okay, everyone, look around the room, and notice everything that’s black. Then after a few minutes, you’re going to close your eyes, and I’ll ask you to try to remember everything you saw that was black.” After everyone closed their eyes, Lisa asked them to name everything they could remember that was black. sweater. And Jamal’s backpack. And Cynthia’s hair band.” Lisa reminded them all to keep their eyes closed for a few more minutes. “Cynthia, what did you see?” Cynthia thought a minute. “I saw what David saw plus pen is black.” “Now keep your eyes closed, and tell me what you saw that was green.” There was a group groan. Mario was the only one to try. “I’m wearing a green sweater.” Lisa continued. “Okay, who can tell me what was red?”

7 Meeting 2

Again everybody groaned, and Cynthia opened her eyes. “That’s not fair. You didn’t tell us to look for anything red or green. You told us to look for black.” “That’s the whole point of this experiment, Cynthia. Okay, guys, open your eyes. We see what we’re looking for. When you looked for black, you saw black. But you missed all the red and green that were also out there. I’ve already read the chapter, but does anyone else get what this means for our lives?” Jamal hesitated. “I think I get it. There’s lots of stuff out there, but what we see is what we’re looking for. If we’re looking for the bad stuff, we see the bad stuff, and if we’re looking for the good stuff, we’ll probably see the good stuff. Is that it?” time, what we look for is what we get, so maybe it’s important to keep our eyes and our minds open so that we see the good stuff. “So what do you guys think? I don’t know about you, but I’m really getting into this book. It’s got some pretty cool stuff in it. So do you want to keep meeting and talking about it or not?” David shrugged. “Sure, why not? What do we have to lose? If we’re already losers, there’s no place to go but up, and maybe this book can help us.” Keisha nodded. “It’s okay with me, as long as I can bring my snacks. They don’t call me the Junk Food Queen for nothing.” “Hey, wait just a minute here—don’t I get a vote?” Cynthia’s cheeks were as red as her hair as she stood up and blasted away at everyone. Jamal held up both of his hands to fend her off. “Whoa there, Cynthia. Just chill. So what’s your vote?”

8 Black, Black Everywhere

Cynthia glared at Lisa. “I’ll stick around for a while, but I’m really sick of Ms. Perfect here treating us all like we’re a bunch of morons. Who made Lisa camp counselor anyway?” Lisa picked up the book and shoved it toward Cynthia. “Here, Cynthia, be my guest! The book’s all yours, and you can call all the shots.” Cynthia refused to take the book and backed away, still glaring at Lisa. “I don’t want the stupid book! I just want you to get over yourself and stop treating us like we’re idiots. You’re no better than the rest of us just because you’re always on the stupid honor roll.” Keisha stopped chewing her gum and blasted Cynthia right back. “Hey, girl, if anyone’s got a chip on her shoulder, it’s you! You’re always complaining—nothing is ever good enough for you. So maybe you should get over yourself and join the rest of us down here in the real world.” Cynthia opened her mouth to say something, then changed her mind and sat back down. Lisa held up the book. “If anyone wants to be the leader leadership so we have a different leader each week. That way everyone has a chance to lead the group.” is. Everyone in favor of Lisa leading the group, get your hand up.” All hands shot up except Cynthia’s. Cynthia crossed her the way it is, but I’m not going to stick around forever. I’ll be here next week, but I don’t promise anything after that.” “Good,” said Jamal. “I think we can all use a book like this. And who knows? Maybe some of us can learn not to be so negative all the time.”

9 Meeting 2

More to think about:

Do you think the experiment helped David? How? How could the experiment help Cynthia? Why? Do you ever see just the bad stuff? What can you do to see more of the good stuff?

10 Meeting 3 Good News, Bad News

Keisha was the last one to arrive for the third meeting of the No-Name Club the following week, and everyone was already talking about Chapter 3 in the book. Lisa held the book up and asked, “So what is a problem?” Like when the drain in our bathroom sink got all clogged up and we couldn’t use it. My dad had to crawl under the sink and take Lisa nodded. “That sure sounds like a problem to me. So how about this next question? Is a problem necessarily bad?” Cynthia shook her head. “Duh! That’s why it’s called a problem. Because it’s something bad that happens.” Keisha interrupted. “Wait a sec. I don’t think a problem is just something bad that happens. It can be a lot of things. Like I have a problem with this girl in my drama class. I swear when she comes into the room, she’s gotta be the center of attention. She never stops talking about herself—she just goes on and on and on. Now I call that a problem!” Jamal nodded. “I know what you mean. There’s a kid like that in my Scout troop, and sometimes I want to stuff a pillow in his mouth just to shut him up. Keisha’s right. A problem can be Lisa nodded. “So if a problem can be different for different people, is it possible to change the problem from something negative to something positive? Maybe by changing the way we look at it? Maybe we can’t change the situation, but we can 11 Meeting 3 look at the problem as a challenge or as an opportunity to learn something, can’t we? What about Mario’s dad? Did he learn Mario grinned. “I can tell you how he felt. He felt pretty darn good. He told my mom that he’d just saved us some real megabucks because we didn’t have to call a plumber.” thing we have to do?” out exactly what the problem is.” “And what may be a problem for one person may not be a problem for someone else,” David interjected. “Like I hate to read, so reading a whole chapter for history would be a problem for me. But Lisa loves to read, so my problem wouldn’t be a problem for her. And I like to do math, but math is hard for Keisha, so a math test would be easy for me, but it might be a problem for her.” Jamal nodded. “So is that what the book says? That we have to decide what the problem is?” Lisa nodded. “Right. That’s exactly what the book says. It “Duh! We can’t try to solve a problem if we don’t know what the problem is,” Cynthia added, rolling her eyes again. “You’re right,” Lisa agreed. “So once we know what the problem is, then we have to decide what to do about the problem. We have to come up with a plan. So what can David do about his I-hate-reading problem?” Keisha thought for a minute. “Maybe he could just do a few pages every night until he got through the chapter. Or maybe he could ask someone like you to read it with him so that it would go faster.”

12 Good News, Bad News

David nodded. “Yeah, maybe. So then what? I choose what to do?” “Exactly,” Lisa said. The third step is to take action as quickly as possible. So what would you do about your problem?” “I like Keisha’s idea of dividing up the chapter so I just have to do a few pages every night. That way it wouldn’t seem so bad. I think that’s what I’d do. Okay, so now what? Is that it?” “Then the fourth step is to see if your plan is working. If it’s not, then you may have to try something else. So what could “If I didn’t stick to reading a certain number of pages every night, I could ask someone over to read with me so then I’d have to do it. Or I could tell myself that I couldn’t watch any TV until I’d read those pages. Or I could treat myself to a new video game download after I’d done it. That way, I’d be working toward something.” Lisa smiled and closed the book. “The book doesn’t say anything about rewarding yourself, but I like that.” “That would work for me, too,” Keisha added. “I hate cleaning my room, but I think if I knew I was going to do something fun afterward, I wouldn’t mind so much. It might make it less of a pain.” “This book says that after you take care of one problem, it’s easier to tackle the next problem that comes along.” Mario nodded. “I guess that makes sense. The more problems you solve, the less scary the next problem’s going to be. And you might even be able to see the next problem as what the book calls a ‘challenge,’” he said, using air quotes. Cynthia shrugged. “I’ve got news, guys. There’s no way I’m ever going to see a problem as ‘a challenge’ or ‘an opportunity’”—she used air quotes—“or whatever else the book wants to call it. A problem is a problem is a problem!”

13 Meeting 3

Keisha shook her head. “Lighten up, girl. I think that book guy has the right idea. I think we can grow stronger and more Jamal held up his can of soda. “So here’s to more challenges and opportunities!” “You’re such a cheeseball, Jamal,” Keisha said, punching him in the shoulder.

More to think about:

What can you do to see your next problem as a challenge or as an opportunity? How can you learn something from it? Why is it important to take action to resolve your problem?

14 Meeting 4 Choices, Choices, Choices!

“So what did you guys think of the movie Ms. Jackson showed our class on Monday?” Lisa asked after the fourth meeting of the No-Name Club was called to order. Jamal cleared his throat and leaned forward in his chair. “I learned what not to do when you have a problem. Like that one girl slept all the time. I think she thought her problem would go away if she just went to bed and tried to forget about it. But the problem was still there when she woke up. And how about the kid who got a stomach ache or a pain somewhere every time he had to do something he didn’t want to do?” “And how about the kid who slashed his teacher’s tires kid who started using drugs because he was so overwhelmed he couldn’t deal with his problems? That was really sad because those drugs were a bigger problem than the problems he was dealing with.” David nodded. “Yeah, it seemed like all those things just added more problems. And how about the girl who got bad grades on purpose because she was mad at her parents? And the girl who practically lived in her refrigerator? Every time she had a problem, she pigged out on brownies and ice cream.” Cynthia smirked at Keisha and was about to say something. Keisha glared right back at her. “Do not even look at me. I don’t pig out the way that girl did.” Then Mario chimed in. “Hey, don’t forget the kid who blamed everyone else for his problems and was mad at someone or something just about all the time. He kicked his bike when he stubbed his toe on the wheel. Poor bike. And how about the kid who never did anything on time? He kept putting

15 Meeting 4 everything off until the last minute and turned in everything late. He reminded me a lot of Jamal. I think Jamal would be late for his own funeral.” Jamal shook his head. “Get off my case, man. At least I don’t waste my life away like you with your video games. Mario, you are one serious gamer! Don’t you ever worry that one day you might just go over the edge and land up in some fantasy nerd-gamer world permanently?” Mario patted his head. “No way, man. My old brain is fantasy life—like your fantasy about ever making the basketball team. Now that’s a real fantasy!” Keisha signaled for a time-out. “Hey, guys, cool it. We’re getting off track here. Let’s get back to the kids in that movie. Like how about the girl who cut her arm every time she had a problem? I felt really bad for her. Now she had serious problems!” Cynthia stopped nibbling on her nails and groaned. “Duh! That was the whole point of the movie. That those kids weren’t dealing with their problems in a healthy way.” “Yeah, I know,” Jamal agreed. “Those kids were doing everything they could to avoid dealing with their problems. I think the book is right—you have to admit that you have a problem and face up to it. Trying to pretend that you don’t have the problem doesn’t work because it doesn’t just go away all by itself. And if you wait too long, the problem can get bigger.” “And you shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help if you need help,” Keisha added. “Sometimes talking to someone who’s already had a problem like yours can help a lot. Like sometimes there, done that. I can ask her things I’d never ask my parents in a hundred years. Make that a zillion years. Having someone cool like my sister around can really help.”

16 Choices, Choices, Choices!

“And you’ve got to keep a cool head so that you’re thinking clearly,” Mario interjected. “I liked the part about spending 20% of your time on the problem and 80% of your time on the solution. I think sometimes I spend 100% of my time just worrying about the problem. Like when I was freaking out because I thought we were going to have a pop quiz in our health class, and then it never even happened.” David nodded. “I know what you mean. I liked the idea of comparing life to a marathon and not a sprint. I’m on cross- country, and it’s a lot different than being on track. You really have to build up your endurance and learn how to pace yourself or you’ll never make it to the end. I think we need to pace ourselves with our problems, too. Taking it one day at a time can make things seem a lot easier than if we try to do everything all at once and end up feeling overloaded and overwhelmed.” Jamal nodded. “I think it’s a lot like my uncle’s weight training. He actually stresses his muscles by lifting heavier and heavier weights each time. That strengthens his muscles, and I little more each time.” Cynthia shook her head. “I still think that movie was about as dumb as our book. Those kids were pretty messed up. All those kids were real losers.” Keisha shrugged. “Maybe, maybe not, but that movie made the same point as the book, and I think it’s a good point. What counts is how we handle our problems—not so much what the problems are.”

17 Meeting 4

More to think about:

Do you think that solving one problem can make solving the next problem any easier? Why or why not? If you have a problem, what can you do when you begin to feel overwhelmed? Who can you ask for help when you think you need it?