Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement

Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement

THE LEADERSHIP CENTER AT

Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement

Printed in the United States of America. No part of this publication may be used without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews, which do not require permission. This book is available in individual chapters at www.projectfatherhood.org and in its entirety at www.childrensinstitute.org.

FIRST EDITION First printing, June 2009

Edited by Elizabeth Bailey and Betsey Binét 2B Communications, Inc.

ISBN 978-0-9841168-0-5 Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Fatherhood in Social Context By James Garbarino, PhD...... 7

Fathers, Fathers Everywhere – Not to Be Seen By Eloise Anderson...... 15

The Inestimable Value of Responsible Fathering By Ken Canfield, PhD...... 23

Why Fatherhood? Why Now? By Hershel K. Swinger, PhD...... 31

Implementing Project Fatherhood to Help Homeless Fathers By Susan Lux, Miguel Lorenzana, Karla McLean and Jana Plasters...... 41

Fatherhood in Recovery: Fathers, Families and PTSD By Jerry Tello, M.A...... 49

Project Fatherhood at Heavenly Spirits, Inc. By Monica Williams...... 53

Birthing Daddies By Kathryn Hall-Trujillo, MPH...... 61

Fathers and the Courts: A Conversation with The Hon. Michael Nash ...... 69

“It’s a father thing.” By Gregory J. Boyle, S.J...... 81 Acknowledgments We owe a debt of gratitude to all of the distinguished professionals who contributed to this publication and to Dr. Ronald W. Banks, director of Project Fatherhood at Children’s Institute, Inc. Thanks also to 2B Communications, Inc., for editorial and production expertise. Special thanks to Susan Cuscuna and Lizanne Fleming of Children’s Institute, Inc., for their assistance in preparing content for this book. Introduction As a professional involved with the child welfare system, I’ve seen the primary focus of attention on the mother’s role in the family, while the father’s role has been largely ignored. Yet, research and my own experience argue that fathers who are actively engaged in raising their children have a profoundly positive impact on those young lives.

Over many years, I’ve learned that fathers are eager to participate but are often held back by poor social and economic conditions, cultural and legal bias, and the absence of a father when they were growing up. But the consequences are devastating to the children and to our communities. Children growing up without their father in their lives are five times more likely to be poor, three times more likely to use drugs, and twice as likely to end up in jail.

I started Project Fatherhood at Children’s Institute, Inc. (CII) to give chiefly poor, urban, culturally diverse fathers an opportunity to connect with their children and play a meaningful role in their lives. Project Fatherhood starts with fathers, but the program is ultimately about the children. We know that if a man is a success at parenting, all the other aspects of his life will fall into place. The benefits to children, and ultimately to society, are exponential.

In 2007, CII launched the Project Fatherhood Community Grants Program to fund small community and faith-based organizations’ efforts to replicate the program in conjunction with the federally funded Responsible Fatherhood Initiative. To date more than 7,000 fathers have participated in the program, and their numbers are growing.

On the following pages, you’ll learn why it is vital that society support the engagement — and often the re-engagement — of all fathers in their children’s lives. You’ll hear from some of the community Project Fatherhood program leaders. And you’ll discover the incalculable impact that fatherhood programs are having on future generations.

Hershel K. Swinger, PhD Children’s Institute, Inc.

Fatherhood in Social Context

By James Garbarino, PhD

The legendary anthropologist Margaret a set of social conventions designed to Mead once wrote, “Motherhood is a structure the roles of men and women. biological necessity, but fatherhood Thus, fatherhood is essentially a social is a social invention.” That is a good invention with diverse forms. Social place to start a discussion of the social science documents that some cultures context of fatherhood. When we look have all but done away with fatherhood across time and cultures, we can see as a social role linked to biological that parenthood for women is tied to relationship. Others have found ways their essential biological role in the to bond men to their children closely process of bringing children into the and intimately. world and, in most situations, caring for them in the early years of life; but All this may seem abstract and the role of the father is intrinsically theoretical, but it does provide an ambiguous and relies upon cultural important starting point for looking at prescription for its social significance. contemporary issues of fatherhood in the context of American society A Social Invention today. Once a child is conceived, it is Even in our fractured modern society, a biological given that it will dominate a woman who gives birth knows that a woman’s life for the better part of a she is the mother of “her” child. Unlike year. The child’s continued existence motherhood, paternity is always in depends upon the nourishment and doubt, and belief in one’s paternity care it receives from its mother (or is always an act of faith based in a some other woman) in her arms and at particular relationship and person. It is her breast. Even in “modern” societies, also faith in the strength and validity of a script exists for women to follow,

7 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement should she choose to do so – a script and the cultural norms and social of unconditional nurture, commitment, structures established to bind men to and love. their children (so that the women who bear them can count on support in On the other hand, the meaning of raising those children). But the modern fatherhood has been quite different. social context has changed the terms Fathers play their role in the moment of this contest for women who can of conception, to be sure (although support children on their own (and even this is being thus don’t need made optional “ Father absence is a fact of life for men) and for by modern about a third of American children.” men who cannot technology), but support children it is only a brief, and/or are freed albeit dramatic, biological contribution from the cultural norms and social of genetic material to get the process structures that ordinarily bind them to of child development started. the mothers of their children. The result Sociobiologists even argue that what is a lot of children growing up without makes “sense” from an evolutionary live-in fathers and, in many cases, with standpoint is for men to maximize fathers who are totally absent. Father their opportunities for paternity by absence is a fact of life for about a impregnating as many women as third of American children (about 25 possible, since their investment million of the 75 million kids in the and the costs to them of each child United States). This issue is a portal “fathered” are small relative to that to understanding fatherhood in social of women, who can only give birth to context in America. a relatively small number of children. This has two important implications for Fatherhood and IQ understanding the contemporary social To enter this portal we need a context of fatherhood. perspective on human development that begins with the realization that First, it means that there is traditionally there are few hard and fast simple rules a kind of tug-of-war between the about how human beings develop; sociobiology of fatherhood (with its complexity is the rule rather than the imperative to impregnate as many exception. Rarely, if ever, is there a women as possible to generate as simple cause-effect relationship that much genetic “success” as possible) works the same way with all people in

8 Fatherhood in Social Context every situation. Rather, we find that the eight risk factors, of which father process of cause and effect depends absence was one (the others are both upon the child as a set of biological parental characteristics, educational and psychological systems set within level, mental health status, substance the various social, cultural, political, abuse and family characteristics, and economic systems that constitute economic status, race, maltreatment, the context in which developmental and number of children). phenomena are occurring. The results indicated that the This insight is the essence of an average IQ scores of children were “ecological perspective” on human not jeopardized by the presence development as articulated by scholars of one or two risk factors. Since such as Urie Bronfenbrenner. It is research indicates that what matters captured in the answer to the question, for resilience is that children reach “Does X cause Y?” because the best an “average” level of cognitive scientific answer is almost always, competence (about 100), it is highly “It depends.” It depends upon all significant that children with zero, the constituent one or two risk elements of child “...one important corollary of our factors averaged and context. ecological perspective is the fact that IQ scores of 119, generally it is the accumulation of risks 116 and 113, How does this respectively. But and assets in a child’s life that tells the matter? It matters IQ scores declined story about developmental progress...” in the context significantly into of what else is the dangerous going on in a child’s life, because one range with the presence of four or more important corollary of our ecological (averaging 90 with four risk factors and perspective is the fact that generally it 85 with five). In Sameroff’s research, is the accumulation of risks and assets each risk factor weighed equally in in a child’s life that tells the story the effect; it was the accumulation about developmental progress, not of risk factors that accounted for the the presence or absence of any one differences. Thus, if we ask, “What negative or positive influence. Father is the impact of father absence on absence is no exception. For example, development of basic intellectual Arnold Sameroff’s classic study of competence?” the answer is, “It threats to child development included depends.”

9 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement

If father absence is the only risk factor, accumulate, the likelihood that a then the average child will still be child or adolescent will be engaged in doing well (an average IQ of 116). But negative outcomes such as substance if the child is already facing three other abuse, early onset of sexual activity, risk factors (for example, being poor, and antisocial violence declines (in dealing with the impact of racism, the case of violence, from 61% for and dealing with a mother with low kids with 0-10 assets to 6% for kids educational attainment or mental with 31-40 assets). Conversely, as the health problems or substance abuse or number of assets increases, so does any other risk factor), the average child the likelihood of positive outcomes will exhibit below-average intellectual such as success in school, good health competence (the average IQ with four habits, valuing diversity, and delay of risk factors is 93) and thus at risk for gratification. academic difficulties and reduced resilience. Sameroff and his colleagues Social Toxicity report the same pattern when it comes Asset accumulation predicts resilient to social and psychological problems. response to stress and challenge, Of course, there may be effects of and this is particularly important in father absence modern America, beyond its effect “As with physical toxicity, social toxins where there are on intellectual so many “social can be fatal – in the forms of suicide, development, toxins” that can homicide, and drug-related and other most notably bring kids down. in its effects lifestyle-related preventable deaths.” Social toxicity of the child’s refers to the accumulation of “developmental extent to which the social environment assets.” of children and youth is poisonous in the sense that it contains serious Standing against the accumulation of threats to the development of identity, risk are the number of developmental competence, moral reasoning, trust, assets in a child’s life. Research hope, and the other features of conducted by the Search Institute has personality and ideology that make identified 40 developmental assets for success in school, family, work, – positive characteristics of family, and the community. As with physical school, neighborhood, peers, culture, toxicity, social toxins can be fatal – and belief systems. As these assets in the forms of suicide, homicide,

10 Fatherhood in Social Context and drug-related and other lifestyle- context of fatherhood and/or heighten related preventable deaths. But the importance of fathers who are mostly it results present and in diminished “We can see social toxicity in the actively engaged “humanity” in the values, practices, and institutions in the lives of lives of children that breed feelings of fear about children. They undermine and youth by the world...” virtue of leading fathering (for them to live in example, the pop a state of degradation, whether they culture that glorifies fathers who are know it or not. absent from the lives of their children and poisons the consciousness of boys What are the social and cultural and young men). They increase the poisons that are psychologically need for strong, effective parenting to equivalent to lead and smoke in the build resistance to negative influences air, PCBs in the water, and pesticides in the life experience of children and in the food chain? We can see social youth, resistance that is enhanced by toxicity in the values, practices, stable families including present and and institutions that breed feelings engaged fathers. of fear about the world, feelings of rejection by adults inside and outside The presence vs. absence, the the family, exposure to traumatic involvement vs. disengagement of images and experiences, absence fathers, can play a role in each of these of adult supervision, and inadequate assets. This is one way to interpret the exposure to positive adult role models. many studies that link father absence These feelings and experiences arise and disengagement to lower levels of from being embedded in a shallow “social capital.” materialist culture, being surrounded with negative and degrading media “Wrestling with Your Father” messages, and being deprived of What are the mechanisms that link relationships with sources of character father absence to accumulation of risk in the school, the neighborhood, and factors and decline in developmental the larger community. asset accumulation? There are no doubt many such links. We can All of these social toxins provide an identify two that speak to the social important influence on the social context of fatherhood. One has been

11 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement identified with respect to aggression with low educational attainment, mental and violence by psychologist Richard health problems, and substance abuse Tremblay. Tremblay’s research problems are less likely to attract documents that aggression is virtually and hold husbands who can earn the universal among males and females in income necessary to prevent poverty, infancy. Most children learn to manage, in contrast to the welfare programs control, and channel their innate of the State that do provide minimal aggression in socially acceptable economic support. Women who have and culturally prescribed ways. He the education and level of functioning identifies “wrestling with your father” necessary to support a family as one of the important mechanisms independently are less likely to put up in learning how to do this. Little boys with the inevitable burdens of marriage (and increasingly and more likely to to some extent “Most children learn to manage, believe they can little girls) learn compensate for control, and channel their innate “the ropes” the absence of a aggression in socially acceptable of aggression father in the home. through and culturally prescribed ways.” The corrosive wrestling with cumulative effects their fathers. This finding may be an of race and racism on males and male- important explanation for the oft- female relationships further strengthen repeated finding that fatherless boys the links between father absence and have disproportionate problems with risk accumulation. managing aggression and violence. When it comes to asset accumulation, A second example concerns the role of father absence tends to reduce the fathers in risk and asset accumulation likelihood that children will have the for children. While in Sameroff’s motivation, access, and personal study each of the eight risk factors is attributes that predict developmental examined as a single variable (and each asset accumulation. They are less has a separate impact), all of them likely to experience the stability and are in some way linked to fatherhood. unconditional regard in the home that Poverty is more likely when a family are the foundation for the 10 assets has only one parent, particularly when that are directly linked to family or that parent is the mother (as it is in 90% the child’s sense of self (such as, “My of single-parent households). Women family provides a high level of love and

12 Fatherhood in Social Context support,” and “I believe my life has When all is said and done, few a purpose.”). They are less likely to dimensions of the social context are have the material and psychological more important to children than those support necessary to develop the that directly or indirectly shape the role cultural assets (such as “I read for of fathers, as both a cultural construct pleasure three or more hours per and as a day-to-day factor in family week,” or “I play organized sports three and community life. or more hours per week.”) Present and emotionally engaged fathers can bolster James Garbarino, PhD, holds the Maude C. the process of developmental asset Clarke Chair in Humanistic Psychology at accumulation just as they can prevent Loyola University, Chicago. the accumulation of risk factors.

Fathers, Fathers Everywhere – Not to be Seen

By Eloise Anderson

My Thoughts men coming and going, women having I can’t remember ever not being children with each new relationship. fascinated with fathers. As a child Mothers were treating their young sons I thought fathers were the most as men and their daughters as peers; important thing in the world. I noticed, the family structure was corrupted, even as a child, the difference in how each member seeking the father. those of my friends who had fathers and those who did not behaved. For me, thinking about fathers means As I got older it became even more thinking about what it takes for a man interesting to notice how mothers to become a father and the types of behaved when they had husbands support he needs to fulfill this role. I versus those without husbands. think that in order for a man to become Cohabitation was not the norm, but a a father he first must become a man few women had men living with them, and must have children with a woman and their children behaved more like he respects and cares about. I hesitate those with no fathers at all. These were to state that he will “support” because the observations that colored my view, the notion of “support” is often a favoring fathers in families. material thought, and I think “support” is larger than the material. Working in predominately black communities as a young adult, I began Raising Boys to notice fewer fathers there than in First off, how do men become men? my childhood community. Where had They start out as this little bundle; the the fathers gone? There still were question at the beginning is what do children in almost every household – we want for him? How should parents

15 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement go about developing his character? their fathers and other men as well What does he need to become a as modeling from their mothers. My man? Frivolous behavior, lack of observation has been that single worthy aims, and lack of self-control mothers who bring men into their lives are considered boyish. Manhood: and homes who are not the father of reserved and selected expression, their son(s) often abandon their sons mature, consciously learned, under emotionally and neglect them, leaving careful control of reason. Men are them on their own for support and expected to control their aggressive connection – often from a gang. passions. It is expected that the movement from boyhood to manhood Never-married mothers and divorced is a transition whereby he learns mothers often have in common to suppress unresolved issues or moderate “Boys have a need to feel emotionally with the father of his aggression their son(s). Often, connected. They need close, supportive and focus unresolved anger relationships that protect them.” those energies is unleashed into socially on the son. acceptable competitive work. There is The more the son resembles the also the expectation that he will bring father in physical appearances and to the male-female relationship more mannerisms the more he may receive wealth than she; that he will have the the displaced anger of the mother. He resources to provide. learns early from the mother that men are no good, abandon their children Without getting into all the issues boys and mistreat women. They display face compared to girls, it is important frivolous behavior, have no worthy to note that boys from birth are more aims, and lack self-control. at risk of dying than girls. Therefore, For those boys who live with both the first concern of parents and the parents it clearly is good if the father society is to assist boys in getting in loves the mother. I was taught that touch with their emotional self and to the best thing for a child is for the have a way to express it nonviolently. father to love the mother. All things Boys have a need to feel emotionally flow from that love. However, I think it connected. They need close, equally important that the mother love, supportive relationships that protect know, and understand her son’s father, them. They need male modeling from for it frees her to nurture her son, to

16 Fathers, Fathers Everywhere – Not to be Seen support his maleness and assist him uncompassionate. These men have in developing and understanding injured images of their fathers. his emotions. Chances are the Widows are “Carl Jung said ... if a male is son will become much better at brought up mainly with the mother, this image. Many supporting their he will take a feminine attitude fathers’ behaviors toward their sons’ emotional toward his father.” maturity and children are not keeping them in reaction to connected with their fathers because their children but in reaction to the they hold on to the love, knowledge, mother, who herself sees the father and understanding they had of the through her own loss of father and the father. The father – not frivolous, who unresolved anger of her mother. Men had worthy aims and self-control – who grow up with mothers who have was a man, a good man. issues with their son’s father and her own father will see themselves – how? Men and Their Needs Unmarried men in America are more What’s to be done with men whose likely to have low incomes. They also mothers made them “Momma’s little are more prone to mental and physical man?” My experience indicates that health issues such as addictions, we humans get our needs met in physical disease, and early mortality. the family. When mothers are never They also earn less over their lifetime married or divorced, what becomes than any other group. Many black of the father role in the family? Where men, and more and more men of does the son get the support of the other ethnic groups, are unmarried father, and on whom does the mother and suffer these consequences. So rely? What kind of man does the son it seems that one of the things men become? Carl Jung, probably my need is marriage. favorite observer of humans, said if a male is brought up mainly with Women are the vehicles by which men the mother, he will take a feminine enter marriage. Without the woman’s attitude toward his father. The male invitation, men become studs, will see his father through his mother’s constantly excited by new women and eyes. Therefore, boys become men sexual challenges. With their invitation, who see men as inadequate, brutal, women show men the possibilities of unfeeling, obsessed with sex, and a relationship and convey their need

17 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement for a man in their life. Marriage is not known is sex. It’s what their mothers the only way, but it provides the most have shown them by the many men dependable way for a man. in their lives and how they have responded to men. The problem society faces is that, having grown up in families without Men need nurturing and encouraging marriage, women and men do not male role models. know how to make a marriage work. If they grow up in families where Now you’re a man, my son. there have been many generations of The problem society needs to solve single parenthood and cohabitation, is how to get men and women to then marriage is a “movie” with no have children as a married couple. model to use when conflicts arise. More babies were born in the U.S. in But even more 2007 than in any devastating to “A woman has no idea what to expect other year in the men is that while of a man if she has never had a father.” nation’s history, a few men without according to fathers as models federal data. Also turn out to be wealthy and powerful, in 2007, births to unwed mothers hit many more turn out to be thugs – unfit a record high of nearly 40 percent. for family life. Father loss in society continues to drive teenagers into situations where I believe what men need most is their the outcome is teen single parenting. own fathers; they suffer from father It drives women to believe that it is loss. This is true for women as well. of no consequence to bear and raise Many men who did not grow up a child without benefit of marriage. with their fathers do not know how What will happen to society when to be men, or particularly how to be 40 percent of the children have lives fathers, because they never had one. without their fathers? We should look A woman has no idea what to expect to the inner-city slums for a glimpse of a man if she has never had a father. of the future. A few unmarried families She is unable to separate sex and can be absorbed and supported, but affection because all she has known not 40 percent. is sex, even though she is seeking affection. Fatherless men have no idea In Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan’s re- how to provide affection; all they’ve port, The Negro Family: The Case For

18 Fathers, Fathers Everywhere – Not to be Seen

National Action, he voiced concern picted the black mother as someone about the black family. He concluded who conformed to the typical image that the structure of family life in the of a good mother: nurturing and car- black community constituted a “tangle ing for her children but at the same of pathology....” and that “at the heart time unfeminine, strong-willed, and of the deterioration of the fabric of domineering. Now, all women long Negro society is the deterioration of to become “superwomen,” and the the Negro family. It is the fundamental American matriarchy has been estab- source of the weakness of the Ne- lished. What will become of the sons gro community at the present time.” of the American matriarchy? More He also argued that the matriarchal prisons to contain their sons, and their structure of black culture weakened daughters getting pregnant at younger the ability of black men to function as and younger ages. authority figures. This particular notion of black familial life has become What’s to be done? a widespread, if not dominant, para- In the 1950s, ’60s and ’70s the digm for comprehending the social society-watchers (the academics), and economic disintegration of late women advocates, and policymakers twentieth-century black urban life. doubted the significance of fathers This was 1964-65, when about a quar- in shaping the experiences and ter of black births took place outside development of their children, of marriage. Now especially their it’s three-quarters “What is America’s fate when daughters. Today, or more. What 40 percent of babies are born into I think society is America’s fate families without marriage?” may be coming when 40 percent to its senses – of babies are fathers matter. born into families without marriage? The society is in search of policies that benefit fathers and needs to know Black matriarchy was a popular ste- which policies push fathers away from reotype of the black family structure their families. Father programs are in the 1950s and 1960s. The mother- searching for strategies that support hood role black women were expected and enhance fathers’ commitment to fulfill created an unrealistic view of to their children. Maybe the keys to the black mother as a “superwoman.” getting men to marry, and keeping This image of the superwoman de- men with their families and connected

19 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement to their children, are in the hands from middle-class fathers, and our of women and the mothers of their policies and laws need to recognize children. those differences. Many fathers who do not live with their children are not Women have to demand that the “deadbeat dads.” They could provide advertised view of men as immature for their children but choose not to. and childlike be replaced with images There are some men who can provide of capable, grown-up men in intimate for their children and do not, and they and equitable relationships with should be held accountable. However, women. Also, many women don’t there are many more fathers who are really trust men to be parents and low-income and poorly educated, believe that they don’t really need men who have weak connections to the to be parents. work force and Therefore, every “Programs that work with men who want to be day, everywhere, need to be operated by people who are a part of their children are concerned about supporting men.” children’s lives growing up but don’t know without their how. What the fathers. Mothers with sons should be society should do is teach these men taught about the needs of boys and how to work, assist them in finding men and what effect they have on the jobs, support them in maintaining development of their sons, especially employment, show them how to as it relates to how they view girls advance, and provide them with and women. Mothers need to address information, mentors, and support their own father loss and how it has on how to be first a man and then manifested itself in their lives. Girls a father. Programs that work with and women should be made aware men need to be operated by people of their behavior and how it affects who are concerned about supporting their relationships with boys and men. men. Most women cannot do this Unmarried mothers of daughters need work, mainly because they do not to understand that the relationships understand men, are hostile to men, of their daughters are neither their and are themselves afflicted with relationships nor a replay of their failed unresolved father issues. relationships. Men and boys have to be taught that Poor fathers have different issues sperm is not a woman’s responsibility.

20 Fathers, Fathers Everywhere – Not to be Seen

Boys and men need sex education Eloise Anderson is founder of the non-profit taught by doctors, lawyers, fathers, organization Anderson Resource Management and men of all professions. Masculinity Services (ARMS) and the former director of has to be seen as something other the California Department of Social Services. than producing children that one is not Her concerns in founding the organization are willing to rear or reside with. based in her experiences over many years with child protection services and its poor outcomes, Where are all the fathers? Usually not especially for boys coming out of foster care. She too far from their children, watching – has had similar concerns for fathers, particularly without a voice, without a presence, noncustodial and those fathers coming out of jail and stripped of their value. or prison who want a second chance.

The Inestimable Value of Responsible Fathering

By Ken Canfield, PhD

The economics of fathering, more On the national scale our federal deficit specifically fatherlessness, is a topic is paralleled by our “fathering deficit.” that has received no small attention.1 If we have trillions of dollars borrowed Recent data estimates a figure of to underwrite our federal deficit, how 100 billion dollars annually as the cost much are we in arrears for the loss of of fatherlessness.2 This a significant potential that a generation of fathers sum, but does that cost include the have failed to invest, to help their staggering emotional, moral, and “loss children or their children’s children of potential” costs that plague a child succeed? It has to be a big number, when they don’t have a dad? Certainly maybe in the tens of trillions. not, and it likely doesn’t get close. Now let’s flip that argument and, Conservatively, twenty-five million instead of looking at the deficits, let’s children under the age of 18 don’t live explore strategies to develop the with their dad.3 Add to that the number potential of our children by calculating of children who live with their dad but the value of fatherfullness; that is, aren’t connected to him relationally, having fathers are who engaged and emotionally, psychologically, or spiritually. involved in their child’s development. I’d say that’s a much clearer picture of The research on child well-being, the true costs of fatherlessness. prevention and developing strengths gives a boost to this discussion. 1 B. Scafidi, The Taxpayer Costs of Divorce and Unwed Childbearing, Institute for American Values. Georgia Family Council and Institue for American Infants who have time alone with their Values, 2008. dad show richer social and exploratory 2 S. L. Nock and C. J. Einolf, The One Hundred Billion Dollar Man, The Costs of Father Absence, NFI. behavior than do children not exposed June 2008 to such experiences. They smile more

3 Fathers Count. Annie E. Casey Foundation, 1994. frequently in general, and they more

23 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement frequently engage in playful behaviors have been described in great detail in with their dad.4 the literature, the benefits and assets created by fatherfullness have been Children who feel a closeness to less so. The absence of a father leaves their father are twice as likely to a child at risk, with hopelessness and enter college disaster waiting or find stable “The absence of a father leaves a in the wings. But employment the presence of a child at risk, with hopelessness and after high school, dad, particularly disaster waiting in the wings.” 75 percent less one who is likely to have a humble and teen birth, 80 percent less likely to compassionate, can breathe hope and spend time in jail, and half as likely to life into a child. experience depression.5 How much is the role of “responsible A four-decade study found that when fathering” worth? What does a dads encouraged their daughters to thousand trillion equal? A quadrillion. excel and achieve and were emotionally And I’d say that at a minimum, that’s close to their sons, their daughters the collective asset value of responsible were more successful in school and in fathering. If we fail to activate this asset their careers, and their sons achieved and make strategic investments in the greater status later in life.6 next generation, we will be settling for the status quo, which in reality is The data is powerful. While the costs stagnation. The time has arrived for and consequences of fatherlessness us to tap into the inestimable value of responsible fathering and cast a vision

4 Frank A. Pedersen, Joan T. D. Suwalsky, Richard of hope, so our children’s limbs will not L. Cain, Martha J. Zaslow, and Beth A. Rabinovich, hang limp and lifeless, but rather be “Paternal Care of Infants During Maternal Separations: Associations with Father-Infant Interaction at One resilient and strong. Year,” Psychiatry 50 (August 1987):203.

5 F. F. Furstenberg Jr. and K. M. Harris, “When and We need a clarion call to fatherfullness Why Fathers Matter: Impacts of Father Involvement on the Children of Adolescent Mothers,” in Young Unwed out of which we create a movement Fathers: Changing Roles and Emerging Policies, ed. R. I. Lerman and T. H. Ooms (Philadelphia: Temple that resurrects the ideals, the virtues, University Press, 1993). and the practices of responsible 6 John Snarey, How Fathers Care for the Next fatherhood. We need to challenge men Generation: A Four-Decade Study (Cambridge, Mass.: Harvard University Press, 1993), 278. that being a father is a matter of honor,

24 The Inestimable Value of Responsible Fathering a privilege, something a mature man would like you to contact my daughter should devote his life to. We need to and ask her to come and see me. I equip fathers with the tools and secrets really want to see her.” Second, letters of their trade and and phone calls empower them to were made by a “We need to equip fathers with succeed in their third party to see homes, where the the tools and secrets of their trade, if Latasha, who sincerity of life and empower them to succeed in lives three hours is truly revealed. their homes...” away, wanted And when we to come. When have made our staff worker, progress that is measurable, we must Lea, finally sat down with her and then turn our attention to the fatherless, read her father’s request, Latasha was those who have been waiting and overwhelmed. She deeply misses her hoping someone would hear their call. father, even though she hasn’t seen Someone like Latasha. him in over a decade and he has made some very poor choices about his life. When we visited Latasha last week to As Lea left the meeting after getting all arrange for her to meet her dad, she the paperwork in order, Latasha asked wept. She hasn’t seen her father for 13 if she could keep the note from her years. He has been incarcerated for 10 father, because that’s all she has to live years and has another 7 before he is on for the moment. “Absolutely,” Lea paroled. He asked if “Get on the Bus,”7 replied. “Here it is.” an organization that is dedicated to uniting children with their incarcerated Now, I’m not naïve in thinking that parents, could bring Latasha to see bringing a daughter and a dad together him on Father’s Day, as he wants to to spend the day in a less-than- reconnect with her. optimal environment (the prison visitors center) will change the world. But it’s Fulfilling his request required mounds a beginning; a bold beginning. And if of paperwork. First, Latasha’s dad had daughter and dad are willing, we must to make a written appeal. He wrote, “I make it happen. lost contact with my daughter 13 years ago, and today I got a letter from her. I If you multiply Latasha’s story times 1.6 million, you have the approximate

7 www.getonthebus.us number of children under the age of

25 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement

18 whose fathers are incarcerated8. To pass on their pain to their sons facilitate connecting these children with and daughters. Unless the cycle is their fathers, where appropriate and broken, the damage wreaks havoc for wanted, is a daunting task. However, generations. No one knows this more if we dare to believe that “responsible clearly than incarcerated fathers. There fathering” is a vital contributor to child is strong evidence of intergenerational well-being, how can we mobilize the imprisonment in which a father, resources to make father-daughter grandfather, brother, or older male connections between Latasha and her relative had also been incarcerated10. dad possible and successful? And what As Samuel Osherson11 concluded preventive strategies can we develop to in his masterful piece, Finding our help dads succeed in their goal of being Fathers, “The psychological or physical a responsible father, even if it’s from absence of fathers from their families behind bars? is one of the great “...a first step toward becoming a underestimated This is a huge responsible father is to come to terms tragedies of our undertaking, and with one’s past by resolving feelings, times.” to do so, we need attitudes, and actions as a son.” to go to the heart Despite the of a father. I’ve overwhelming written extensively about this tactic, amount of research confirming the because the primary influence on a impact of a father on a son’s ability father’s heart is a man’s father9. In other to father, many men I have met are words, a first step toward becoming a reluctant to think about their fathers responsible father is to come to terms and deal with underlying feelings. with one’s past by resolving feelings, Some reluctance is certainly a fear attitudes, and actions as a son. of pain. You can dredge up some hurts that seem overwhelming. Yet, Fathers, damaged by their fathers, psychologist Donald Joy12 points

8 From Prison to Home: The Effect of Incarceration 10 Mumola, Christopher J. (2000). Incarcerated and Reentry on Children, Families, and Communities, parents and their children (NCJ182335). Washington, Effects of Parental Incarceration on Young Children. DC: U. S. Department of Justice. Ross D. Parke University of California, Riverside, K. Alison Clarke-Stewart University of California, 11 Samuel Osherson, Finding Our Fathers (New Irvine, December 2001. http://aspe.hhs.gov/HSP/ York” Fawcett Columbine, 1987), 6. prison2home02/parke-stewart.htm 12 Donald Joy, Unfinished Business (Wheaton: 9 Ken Canfield, The Heart of a Father (Chicago: Victor, 1989), 34. Northfield, 2006).

26 The Inestimable Value of Responsible Fathering out, “Men with a damaged father This epiphany or revelation came as connection will be healed only to the a result of being in a small group with extent that they can describe the loss other fathers. These fathering groups and the pain.” Donald Joy learned have a profound impact on how men this truth by leading hundreds of men learn. I have listened to hundreds of through small-group experiences over fathers give testimony over the years his distinguished career. I have had the about how the small-group experience same experience, as have Dr. Hershel helped them learn from other men, Swinger, George Williams, Ron Nichols, identify new goals, and put them into Rick Wertz and many other leaders specific, concrete actions related to who have labored in the vineyards of their fathering. fatherhood. Children’s Institute, through Project I believe that small groups have the Fatherhood, has been a pioneer in greatest potential to achieve lasting shaping both the content and process and positive of strengthening change. In “I have participated in those groups fathers through Latasha’s father’s and have heard fellow fathers small groups. I have participated case, he was attribute their learning to the shared meeting with in those groups experiences with other fathers and other incarcerated and have heard the group leader.” men, and fellow fathers working on his attribute their own fathering, as well as on personal learning to the shared experiences with issues, in a small group long before the other fathers and the group leader. It is visit with his daughter. It was during a transformative experience. those times that he learned he was not alone. Ninety percent of the men in Social psychologists13 have also his small group grew up without a dad. confirmed that members of a group When Latasha’s father recognized his experience higher achievement and vulnerability and was able to verbalize greater cooperation than individual to other men how being fatherless had efforts in learning. In addition, we have stifled his potential and impacted his choices in life, it became clear to him 13 Tindale, R.S., Heath, L., Edwards, J., Prosavc, El, Bryant, F., Surez-Balcazar, Y., Henderson-King, E., that he didn’t want that for his little girl. and Myers, J. (1998). Theory and research on small So he wrote her a letter. groups. New York: Plenum Press.

27 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement learned that group members (fathers in rialize as Gore had hoped, the Bush small groups) are more apt to: administration carried the vision forward by providing significant funding to • Take on difficult tasks and establish fatherhood training for men, persist, despite difficulties, in particularly fathers in challenging cir- working toward accomplishing cumstances. Bush said,15 “Promoting goals; fatherhood was a commitment I made • Remember what they learn; as governor, it’s a commitment I make • Achieve a higher level of as President, and it’s a commitment reasoning and critical thinking; I have made every day since our little and girls were born…” • Maintain a positive attitude. In many cases, the real power of this Again, applied to process – where training fathers, “I have seen more than their the inestimable whether in prison fathering skills strengthened through value of a father is or a board room, vividly portrayed the small-group experience...” we have the – is among the opportunity to urban poor. Dads help another father who may face in these settings are facing challenging challenging economic or personal economics and complex family issues. This was the idea Al Gore had situations. I have seen more than their in mind when he called for a father-to- fathering skills strengthened through father initiative14. Fathers would meet the small-group experience and together for mutual support and extend through their mutual16: that outreach to specific fathers in need. In Gore’s words, “I’m asking you to join • Giving and receiving of financial me in launching a nationwide father-to- help and assistance; father movement. We must mobilize a • Exchange of resources and national movement of fathers meeting information; and together to mutually support and reach • Giving and receiving of out to one another.” feedback on task work;

Although this initiative did not mate- 15 Bush, G. (2001). Speech given at the Fatherhood Summit, June 11, 2001. Washington, D.C.

14 Gore, A. (1994). Speech given at the Family 16 Williams, G. (2000). jttp://fathers.com/urban/ Reunion IV, Nashville, Tennessee July 11th. index.html

28 The Inestimable Value of Responsible Fathering

• Challenging of one another’s one thing is sure: Unless we create reasoning; opportunities and a forum for men • Advocacy and increased efforts to become proactive in sharing their to achieve; pilgrimage, including their challenges • Influence on one another’s and losses, we will have failed to reach behavior; and our potential. To do so, with humility • Engagement in the and dedication, we must challenge interpersonal and small-group every adult male to the high calling of skills needed for effective being a father or father figure for the teamwork. generation to come.

Regardless of how one comes to the Ken Canfield, PhD, is executive director of the fields and practice of responsible Boone Center for the Family at Pepperdine fathering, through the streams of University. He is also the founder of the fatherlessness or fatherfullness, National Center for Fathering in Kansas City.

Why Fatherhood? Why Now?

By Hershel K. Swinger, PhD

“I used to think it was poverty. Then I thought it was racism. I finally decided it was child abuse, or drug abuse. Now I know it’s about being fatherless.”

Twentieth-century poet and able to take care of them. The Social philosopher George Santayana wrote, Security Act was designed to keep “Those who cannot remember the disadvantaged children from suffering past are condemned to repeat it.” because of poverty. But there were History is a source of inspiration and two major flaws with Aid to Mothers of indignation, the breadth of human with Dependent Children. You were accomplishments and failures. How did required to remain poor in order to we get to where we were in the early qualify for the grants; and the more 1990s? How did we find ourselves children you had, the more money you where we are today? received. Inadvertently, the system left fathers out of the equation, presenting I used to think it was them as untrustworthy and casting poverty. them in a negative light in order to A milestone in the history of the United ensure that the funds would continue. States’ response to underprivileged The skepticism toward public social families began with the 1935 Social services that fathers still feel today was Security Act, which gave us Aid to set in motion. Mothers with Dependent Children. Astonishingly, married women did Aid to Mothers with Dependent not qualify because if their children Children was one of many programs had a father, surely that father would designed to help move the United want to take care of them, would be States out of the Great Depression.

31 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement

More than 2 million African Americans whose fathers had joined the service. were on relief in 1933, but between Following World War II, in 1948, the 1935 and 1943, the creation of the United States military was racially Works Progress Administration integrated. The nation established the provided 8 million jobs. Eighty- model of a highly productive society seven percent of WPA workers were that shared and invested its prosperity men, and 70 percent of the jobs for a more affluent and more fulfilling were unskilled. The program built future. The idea was to try to make life many public buildings, roads, parks, fair for everyone. Optimism reigned. bridges, and schools. It fed children and redistributed food, clothing Then I thought it was racism. and housing. In 1940, the WPA In 1954, the Supreme Court changed policy and began vocational unanimously ruled in Brown v. Board educational of Education that training of the “Segregation had given African racial segregation unemployed American children a false sense of in public to make them inferiority, self-rejection, and loss of schools was available for unconstitutional. self-esteem, which negatively affected factory jobs and It was a landmark their ability to learn.” the onset of decision, applying war production. the Equal Leading up to and during World War II, Protection Clause of the Fourteenth 100 percent of the nation’s work force Amendment that overturned the was employed, including women and “separate but equal” doctrine that minorities. Husbands and sons drafted had legalized segregated schools into the military sent home an allotment. for decades. Segregation had given Because of working mothers and African American children a false sense fathers, for a large percentage of poor of inferiority, self-rejection, and loss of families heretofore on public welfare, self-esteem, which negatively affected the need for Aid to Mothers with their ability to learn. The ruling changed Dependent Children was eliminated. American public schools forever, paving the way for integration and the The Servicemen’s Readjustment Act of civil rights movement. 1944, commonly known as the GI Bill of Rights, and other veterans’ benefits The Civil Rights Act of 1964 was a greatly improved the welfare of children historic piece of legislation in the United

32 Why Fatherhood? Why Now?

States that outlawed racial segregation have learned that biological fathers in public places and in employment. want their children, but the judicial Conceived to help African Americans, system is reluctant to turn their children the bill was amended prior to passage over to them without social and/or to include women, who officially economic support. Visitation, custody, became minority-class members for and financial rights and responsibilities the first time. We believed if minority of fathers are determined by the courts, people were included in all aspects of not by the needs of the children. life, things would be better for Somewhere children overall. “Visitation, custody, and financial between 1935 and The promise was rights and responsibilities of fathers today, the stigma to rid the society are determined by the courts, not by of having sex or of racism. the needs of the children.” a child outside of marriage In the United was removed. States, divorce used to be difficult to There is no longer any shame or obtain, and usually it was impossible disgrace when unmarried political without good reason: adultery, leaders, professionals, and celebrities abandonment, alcoholism, abuse. In blatantly have children. As recently 1970, California enacted a no-fault as 1960, three-quarters of African divorce law that enabled women and Americans were born to a married men to get out of marriages without couple. Between 1970 and 1992, the having to place blame. While many proportion of babies born outside of social and economic factors have marriage leapt from 11 to 30 percent. conspired to weaken our marriages, In the first two years following a no-fault divorce laws pushed us over divorce, family income among white the edge. Between 1970 and 1996, children falls about 30 percent; for the number of children living with both black children, it falls by 53 percent. parents declined from 85 to 68 percent. During this same period, the proportion I finally decided it was child of children living with one parent grew abuse, or drug abuse. from 12 to 28 percent. Today, nine in ten In 1962, Henry Kempe and his women are awarded physical custody colleagues first coined the phrase of their children despite the fact that “battered-child syndrome” and children’s protective services workers identified it as a clinical condition

33 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement in children who have suffered small and that their adult caregivers continuous serious physical abuse needed to be treated for the emotional such as beatings, bruises, scratches, problems that caused them to abuse hematomas, burns, or malnutrition. their children. We did not look closely Battered child syndrome results at those who were abused as children in life-threatening and sometimes and did not grow up to abuse their life-extinguishing injury to a child, children. Until the 1970s, child abusers usually inflicted were treated as by parents, “Children raised in institutions criminals, and guardians, or other had the worst outcomes of any their children adult caregivers. at-risk children.” were frequently According to placed in foster the definition of care while the battered-child syndrome, children are court ordered their parents to receive abused and neglected because of what treatment or to be placed in jail. happened or didn’t happen when their We also learned that “the system” parents were caring for them. was the worst parent of all. Children raised in institutions had the worst In 1975, the National Center on Child outcomes of any at-risk children. Most Abuse and Neglect implemented of the treatment was aimed at women the Child Abuse Prevention and and children because the majority Treatment Act. First, the term “child of children in the child protective abuse and neglect” needed to be services system were without fathers. defined, followed by a mechanism for Because of spousal abuse, substance addressing it. Early research found abuse, and sexual abuse, men were that most child abusers were abused viewed as the cause of the problem, themselves as children, repeating the despite the fact that about half of pattern when they grew up and had the children who entered the system children of their own. Overdisciplined were neglected by their mothers. For and deprived of parental love in their a while, mothers who used cocaine infancy, they looked to their own bore “crack babies,” and that was children for what they had missed. viewed as the cause of the problem. Cocaine use in pregnancy was treated During the 1970s, it was thought that as a moral issue rather than a health the number of children who were problem, so treatment programs for abused and neglected was relatively substance-abusing mothers and their

34 Why Fatherhood? Why Now? children were established. A number of Who is going to father our children? women abandoned or lost custody of their children, had their parental rights The U.S. Census Bureau reported in terminated, and were prosecuted and 2004 that more than 25 million children jailed because of their addictions. lived apart from their biological fathers. The methods of treating child abuse That is one out of every three children and neglect were psychodynamic (34.5 percent) in the United States. and/or behavioral. The preferred Nearly two in three African American modality for child abuse and neglect children (65 percent) live in father- was and is parent-education classes. absent homes. Nearly four in ten Groups of adults meet to learn how Hispanic children (36 percent), and to appropriately parent their children. nearly three in ten Caucasian children This method has (27 percent) live had mixed results. “According to the FBI, a missing in father-absent In California, father is a more reliable predictor homes. The traumatized of criminal behavior than race, United States children receive reportedly leads environment, or poverty.” individual therapy the world in from trained fatherlessness. mental health professionals. When the numbers of abused children The numbers get worse every year. reached millions nationwide, it became Substandard public schools are profoundly clear that we were very definitely not working; physical and good at identifying and reacting to mental health care are inadequate; no child abuse and neglect, but we didn’t one is deterred by state legislatures’ know how to prevent it. stricter criminal sentencing; incarceration, parole, and probation are Now I know it’s about being neither rehabilitative nor threatening. fatherless. Faith-based and government programs Statistical studies began to appear – “wars” on guns, drugs, gangs, about the outcomes for children who violence, teen pregnancy, welfare, and do not have their biological fathers far-flung conflicts – have all been lost. in their lives. According to the FBI, In order to understand our behavior a missing father is a more reliable and change our collective thinking, we predictor of criminal behavior than need to study the past and find a way race, environment, or poverty. to correct the future. We must do it for

35 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement the sake of the children. The current infants and toddlers who had been statistics have been current too long. removed from their parents due to child abuse or neglect. With a grant from From the wild Irish slums of the 19th the Office of Minority Mental Health, century Eastern seaboard to the we proposed to demonstrate a free riot-torn suburbs of Los Angeles, program utilizing biological fathers to there is one unmistakable lesson decrease physical and emotional father in American history: a community absence; to ensure that fathers are that allows a large number of emotionally and financially supportive young men (and women) to grow parents; and to help them concentrate up in broken families, dominated on their children’s crucial needs. We by women, never acquiring any wanted to prevent their sons from stable relationship to male authority, perpetrating aggression as child never acquiring any set of rational abusers, spousal abusers, sexual expectations about the future … abusers, drug abusers, and violent that community asks for and gets gang members by focusing specifically chaos. Crime, violence, unrest, on the relationship between fathers disorder – most particularly furious, and their children. By increasing unrestrained lashing out at the the involvement of disadvantaged whole social structure – is not only fathers in the lives and upbringing of to be expected; it is very near to their children, those fathers would inevitable. And it is richly deserved.” demonstrate the validity of our model. We hypothesized that if we addressed Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan (D-NY) the factors of stress, separation and “A Family Policy for the Nation,” America loss, child abuse and neglect, poor September 18, 1965 self-esteem, and intergenerational issues, the fathers would parent Project Fatherhood their infants and young children in a In 1994, we were not yet focusing on conscious manner that would maximize men as an integral part of the family the chances of the child growing up to when Children’s Institute, Inc. (CII) be a healthy individual. reached out to fathers and began the process of engaging them in the While fatherhood is a near-universal lives of their children. At the time of experience for men, there are wide Project Fatherhood’s creation, CII was differences in culture, knowledge, and a residential care facility housing 78 skills that fathers bring to parenting.

36 Why Fatherhood? Why Now?

Men meet in groups to eliminate the with a trained professional and begin psychological isolation associated a group in their own neighborhood with antisocial behavior. Combating for the benefit, care, and well-being shame and disgrace, men feel relief of everyone’s children. Our children’s and self-respect when they realize group members have demonstrated their potential to be fathers. The improved confidence, social skills, components of the Project Fatherhood and school achievement. While model are Men in Relationships the community can’t always find a Group, Job Club, children’s groups solution to the economic and human and significant problems facing others groups. families, Project “Men meet in groups to eliminate Through Men in Fatherhood Relationships the psychological isolation associated groups can be Group, the with antisocial behavior.” started with the fellowship of limited resources fathers can make something positive and the multiple needs of local schools, happen by helping their children agencies, or faith-based organizations. reach their potential. And if a man is not fulfilling his role as a father, As a method of service delivery that the issues in his background that allows fathers to be on a par with prevent him from doing so can be counselors who are not traditional resolved. Job Club training reaches therapists, and neither interprets out to unemployed fathers struggling nor confronts group members, with poverty and offers skills, tools, Project Fatherhood flies in the face and attitudes that prepare them for of traditional treatment. By offering employment. Because biological peer-to-peer dialogue about issues fathers need to be integrated into the in members’ present and past lives whole family as well, the groups for without judgment, labeling or diagnosis, significant others and children mend the focus becomes saving the lives that bond. Once the family is accepted of the children by not doing anything into CII’s Project Fatherhood, they to fathers but with them. In fact, the participate for life and are encouraged goal of this process is to develop to come back at any time. If a group a fellowship of caring adults who becomes too large or has progressed relate to one another in a supportive, through the five levels of relatedness, constructive way, and who can relate to the men are encouraged to pair off their own children in the same way.

37 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement

Training and made me realize that in our We train professionals to be Project mission to serve the poor, to give Fatherhood group leaders in a five-day, the poor what the rich can buy, 40-hour process that replicates the we’re able to offer something else, exact program model through which something more, that lifts up what I they will take the fathers and significant truly believe our clients really want, others. Expecting a typical classroom which is to live out their role as training experience on day one, people parent.” are anxious but prepared to take notes. Carla Scarr After being introduced to these unique Valley Family Center methods of practicing respect, self- disclosure, and mutuality, defenses “This effort takes all of us working are down and the group becomes one, together and not in a competitive allowing participation by all attendees way, but in a way that…this will to experience the group dynamic. By change the world. I strongly believe Friday’s final training day, future group that, and that’s why I’m here to take leaders are describing their experience the training again. And I thought I of the process in very personal and knew what I knew, but I’ve learned revealing ways: even more this time…” Charlene Meeks “It was really good to be able to Program Director learn about this new approach California Institute of for working with fathers who Health & Social Services have multiple needs and limited resources. It was a really wonderful We believe that all fathers can and do opportunity to be able to participate love their children and want the very in this training, where the really best for them. Self-motivated fathers excellent staff modeled for us the can provide a wealth of social capital way to do a warm, relationship- and demonstrate that despite what based approach that seems to be they’ve gone through in their lives, very effective…” they want to be close to their children. Denise Johnston Fathers have the ability to give and Executive Director accept love, to treat others with love Center for Children of Incarcerated Parents and respect, and to love and respect themselves. When a man fulfills his “The project challenged my thinking biological imperative of being a father,

38 Why Fatherhood? Why Now? the rest of his life will fall into place, in this together and all of us qualify as and he will bring to his child and the partners in this community effort. All of society at large a more personally us have to for the sake of the children. successful and productive member. While they say it takes a village to raise a child, it will take our children and their Children in the United States are at fathers to raise our village. risk, but they have great potential to do well if we can mobilize fathers. To “The test of the morality of a society prevent child abuse and neglect, to is what it does for its children.” curb family violence and make families Dietrich Bonhoeffer whole, and to secure a decent future for every one of us, we must count on our family members, social service Hershel K. Swinger, PhD, is Senior Vice agencies, elected officials, businesses, President, Leadership Center, at Children’s and anyone who comes into contact Institute, Inc., and founder of CII’s Project with families and children. We are all Fatherhood program.

Implementing Project Fatherhood to Help Homeless Fathers

By Susan Lux, Miguel Lorenzana, Karla McLean and Jana Plasters

In 2007, the Weingart Center This mission is realized through Association (WCA) applied for and intensive case-management services, received a small grant from Children’s mental health services, and an Institute, Inc., to replicate its highly employment continuum in a variety of successful Project Fatherhood specialized residential programs that program. At the time we applied for the target veterans, women, parolees, grant we had no idea how important probationers, and those in early this relationship recovery from would become to “My family is better off without me.” addiction. our organization Individual plans – Project Fatherhood participant and how impactful focus on obtaining the partnership competitive would be to our program and our employment and maintaining sobriety participants. with the end goal of maintaining a savings and moving into permanent Nationwide, Los Angeles County has housing. For an idea of the scope of the largest homeless population, with this task, in 2007, the Los Angeles more than 80,000 people sleeping Homeless Service Authority (LAHSA) on the streets on any given night. conducted an intensive census of The Weingart Center Association is homeless living on Skid Row. LAHSA’s located in the heart of Skid Row in count determined that each night some downtown Los Angeles and brings 5,200 men and women can be found to life its mission of providing high- on Skid Row either in shelter programs quality human services that help to or on the street. The WCA programs break the cycle of homelessness. account for approximately 600 of

41 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement those beds, or a little over 11% of the children, a plan was initiated at the start population. Of the people surveyed, of her stay to help reunite her with her 76% were men, and more than 80% children. A focus of treatment became were between the ages of 25 and 55. providing the mother with parenting Mental illness was identified in 51% of skills, working with the Department the population, and 50% admitted to of Children and Family Services, if having substance abuse issues. needed, and advocating on behalf of the mother for family reunification. For As anyone who has had the pleasure our male participants, the focus was of working with Children’s Institute’s Dr. almost exclusively on employment Hershel Swinger and maintaining knows, his sobriety, with “Project Fatherhood asked us to shift passion for fathers the end goal of our focus and consider the crucial and Project establishing a Fatherhood is role of the father on the success of savings account contagious, their children...” and moving and he takes into permanent no prisoners in his approach to housing. Project Fatherhood asked making fatherhood and father-child us to shift our focus and consider the reunification the single most important crucial role of the father on the success therapeutic intervention we can provide of their children, and to apply the same to clients. As we quickly learned, sense of urgency in helping fathers that Project Fatherhood challenged us to we gave to our mothers. This transition change our service paradigm on how was to change the entire culture and men and fathers were viewed in our therapeutic milieu of our agency. programs. Before we received the grant, we had not percieved the men As with each of the funded Project living on Skid Row as fathers. We Fatherhood programs, we had a knew that many of our male clients challenging learning curve. WCA would had children, but that information was be the first agency to implement the gathered for statistical purposes and program with homeless and formerly not incorporated into their case plans. homeless fathers who had ten-, But it was accepted for our female twenty- and thirty-year histories of drug clients. In almost every instance, if and alcohol addiction, long periods of a WCA case manager found that incarceration, and significant periods a mother was separated from her of homelessness. Our first major hurdle

42 Implementing Project Fatherhood to Help Homeless Fathers in implementing the program came were daunted by the idea of coming not from the participants but from to Skid Row to participate in the our own case project. Ultimately, managers. They “Many of the fathers were afraid to we decided to were reluctant to locate their children because they focus efforts on refer participants knew that they owed large sums developing the to the group of money.” fathers group in because they the hope that the could not see other two groups how helping fathers to reconnect would follow. Unfortunately, over the with their children helped our male course of the year, we were never able participants find employment or to get the two support groups started maintain their sobriety. Months were – a testament, in part, to the amount of spent re-educating case managers effort required to help homeless fathers about the positive benefits associated reconnect and re-engage in their with father-child reunification and how children’s lives. it could actually lead to greater stability for these men. Eventually we were able While the fathers’ hesitation and to encourage case managers to refer resistance to contacting their children fathers; however, this remains an area was complex, the largest single of continual re-education for our case barrier was the fear of repercussions management staff. associated with failing their financial responsibilities. Men emerge from Once participants started to attend homelessness or prison with large group sessions the real work began. As restitutions owed to the state, and we worked with the fathers in preparing there is enormous pressure on them them to reconnect with their children, to eradicate a history of poor or we started to encounter the next hurdle nonexistent child support. Many of and soon realized that developing both the fathers were afraid to locate their the children’s support group and the children because they knew that they significant others group would be more owed large sums of money. It was difficult than anticipated. Most of the not uncommon for our fathers to owe fathers had little or no contact with as much as $80,000 to $100,000 in their children, and a larger percentage back child support. One father stated did not even know where their children that he never worked at a job more were. Extended family members than a couple of months to ensure

43 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement that his check was never garnished. coaster of ups and downs, watching In response to this challenge, we fathers get clean only to relapse, or to contacted the Los Angeles County obtain employment and then relapse, Child Support Services Department, or to make promises they don’t keep and over the course of the year we because they relapse. Most of the developed a strong partnership. individuals who end up on Skid Row Representatives from the department have “burned all their bridges” with came to our their families. facility to “Most of the individuals who end up Their addictions conduct monthly on Skid Row have ‘burned all their lead to a family’s information bridges’ with their families.” mistrust and their sessions on unwillingness child support, to believe that after which they took information the person has really changed. This from attendees regarding their cases mistrust leads to many families not for evaluation. In most situations the really wanting or encouraging the County was able to reduce significantly father’s participation in the lives of or even eliminate the amount of money his children. Moreover, many fathers owed. One father who reported that he truly believed that their children no had been running for years, thinking longer needed them, especially if the that he owed large sums of money, children were older. They reasoned discovered he owed nothing; he had that their children had learned to live had $88,000 in debt removed. For without them while they were lost in those who did give back support, the their addictions or incarceration, and County worked with them to set up that by trying to reconnect, they would reasonable repayment plans. somehow disrupt their children’s lives. Others believed that their children had Even when the issue of back child simply forgotten about them. Most support was eliminated, fathers still believed that because they had little struggled with their own fear, shame, or no money, they had nothing to offer and guilt about not being available for their children. We heard over and over their children. One of the most difficult from participants that they wanted to dynamics to address when working “get themselves together” before they with chronic substance abusers contacted their children. Usually this is reunification with their families. meant having a job and an apartment Families have spent years on this roller of their own.

44 Implementing Project Fatherhood to Help Homeless Fathers

Working with the fathers on these offered to help the man search for his issues, we started with a single rule: son on the Internet. Eventually they “Don’t promise anything you can’t located his son’s Facebook page, and deliver.” We placed no limits on how or e-mails quickly lead to a telephone call. when a father contacted his children; Now living in Chicago, the young man we simply asked that if they promised told his dad that he had thought of him to call them next week, they kept that every day. The father came back into promise. For some of our fathers, their group, told the story, and broke down commitment was to write their children in tears. He said he always believed monthly. For others, it was that they that “my son was better off without would call each week. Some wrote me” and had no idea how much his letters to their children in the hope son had actually missed him. Such was that one day they would be able to the experience of group members time give the letters to their children. The and time again. Since the inception of focus was always on the idea that the the program not one father has had a most important part of being a father is negative experience when he finally consistency and having your children contacted his children. know you are there for them. Emotionally, the most difficult barrier When several of the fathers finally for these fathers to address was their faced their fears of rejection and belief that if they could not provide contacted their financially for their children, the “...a father who had lost touch with children, they synergy within his teenage son about eight years ago had nothing to the group shifted and wanted to find him sought offer. Frustrations dramatically. As around their advice from the Fatherhood group.” fathers came back inability to get to the group and and maintain shared their overwhelmingly positive employment sabotaged many group experiences, more fathers began to members. Some struggled with not consider the possibility of contacting wanting their children to “see them their children. In one case, a father homeless,” while others wanted to who had lost touch with his teenage achieve success before contacting son about eight years ago and wanted their children. We interwove the to find him sought advice from the concepts of the 12-Step Program into Fatherhood group. Another father the groups to help members accept

45 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement and view reconnecting with their their emotions when another man children in their current situation as has stepped into the father role for part of their recovery process. The two the child? As they begin to confront group facilitators, both of whom had these new issues, the overwhelming histories of addiction while parenting response of fathers is that participating their own children, helped members to in Project Fatherhood has helped them become more balanced in this area. We cope with such challenges with grace developed a list of things fathers could and dignity. The group has helped contribute that did not cost anything. one father, who was unable to locate Suggestions included walking their his daughter after a year of searching, children to or from remain clean school, meeting “How do our fathers handle and and sober while them after school, facing the uphill address their emotions when another helping them with battle. Another man has stepped into the father role homework, or father’s significant caring for them for the child?” other changes while their primary her address caregiver was at work. We encouraged every time he locates his child. The them to move away from thinking they group reinforces that it is not about needed to bring or buy their children him and the changes he has made, something every time they visited their but more about the significant other children. New group members still trying to protect the child from what struggle with this, but we continue to she has experienced in the past. For reinforce the idea that consistency over still another, whose significant other the long haul is most important. refused visitation rights after he was unable to help with a dental bill, the As we enter our second year of Project group urged him not to give up the Fatherhood, an entirely new set of hope that he will one day reconnect challenges awaits us. How do we with his son. help participants locate their children when their attempts have been One of the most moving stories of unsuccessful? What happens when the last year was a father who came there has been some contact with the to group one day and said that he child but the significant other is not wanted to shake the hand of the man helping to facilitate continued contact? who had been caring for his children How do our fathers handle and address while he was away. In the past, he

46 Implementing Project Fatherhood to Help Homeless Fathers said, he would have created a scene to deal with the loss of their children in and threatened to harm both his a healthy way.” girlfriend and her new boyfriend. But participating in the group made him WCA has incorporated the Project realize how important a father figure Fatherhood group into the very was to his children, and he owed the foundation of our clinical services. new boyfriend a debt of gratitude Project Fatherhood is no longer seen for caring for his children. He said as a separate program requiring he surprised even himself when he specialized funding. Rather, due to the realized he was not angry at the new shift in our service paradigm, it has boyfriend, but really appreciative of crystallized our vision that every father all the man had done while he had has a right and a responsibility to be been away. an active participant in his child’s life. For the fathers and staff of WCA, this Along with new challenges, our has been a life-changing experience, understanding of the issue is also one that we would encourage all evolving. As one of the group organizations to undergo at least once. counselors stated, “I’m just now realizing that some of our fathers may Susan Lux, Miguel Lorenzana, Karla never reconnect with their children. But McLean and Jana Plasters are members of the group is a way for them to reclaim a the Weingart Center Association Project part of themselves, a way to learn how Fatherhood team.

Fatherhood in Recovery: Fathers, Families and PTSD

By Jerry Tello, M.A.

Reginald is 28 years old, married, and The United States Defense Department the father of three children. A mechanic, reports that more than 500,000 troops he has worked in the same shop since were deployed to Iraq alone, and with graduating from high school. After the Persian Gulf and Afghanistan wars serving in the Reserve Officers Training requiring more men and women to Corps in high school, he continued his serve, that number is almost double. military service by joining the National Many of the men involved are fathers Guard. Other than his work and who are now returning to communities monthly commitments to the National all across the nation. These wars have Guard, he has devoted all of his time to not only created many fatherless (and his family and children. Several years motherless) families, returning fathers ago, he deployed to Iraq and served have physical, mental, and emotional for 14 months. He experienced severe wounds. The mental and emotional open combat and the death of several impact is referred to as Post-Traumatic close comrades. Stress Disorder ( PTSD). PTSD results in survivors often experiencing Reginald’s return was met with much problems in their intimate and family jubilation, but after several months relationships. at home, his wife reached out for assistance. “My husband’s different At the other end of the spectrum now,” she said. “He’s not the same is Jose, the 22-year-old father of a person. He’s edgy and mad at the three-year-old girl and a one-year-old kids all the time. When we spend boy. Jose lives in the same East Los time together it’s almost like he’s not Angeles neighborhood his family has there. He drinks more, and that makes lived in for three generations — an everything worse. We need help.” area in which three gangs control

49 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement the streets. Many of Jose’s family be a good father. By serving their members, including brothers and country, both men were attempting uncles, have been major players in one to fulfill their responsibilities as men of the gangs. Drugs, violence, sirens, and fathers in an honorable way. As and helicopters are part of Jose’s daily a result, they are left with issues that life. Although Jose has managed to may disable them forever. According support his family and stay out of direct to the U.S. Department of Veterans involvement in the gang lifestyle, he Affairs’ National Center for Post- feels the effects of living every day in Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD that environment. With the recent death survivors can feel a lasting sense of of his grandmother something seemed terror, horror, vulnerability, and betrayal to change in Jose. that interferes with He began drinking “By serving their country, both their relationships. every day, became men were attempting to fulfill their irritable, yelled PTSD symptoms responsibilities as men and fathers at his children can interfere with in an honorable way.” constantly, and trust, emotional finally hit his wife. closeness, That got him referred to a batterers communication, responsible intervention program. assertiveness, and effective problem solving. And in attempting to cope, In an interview with the couple, Jose many have become habitual and/or admitted to having occasional difficulty addictive users of alcohol and other sleeping, to having nightmares, substances, which often contributes to and to “feeling trapped living in their violent, reactive behavior. that neighborhood.” With further assessment it was obvious that Jose Unfortunately, most fathers who have was suffering from symptoms of PTSD. either mild or moderate symptoms of PTSD do not get assistance until Although Reginald and Jose come they have committed some type from different backgrounds and of crime or violent behavior. Those their life circumstances are very who are able to mask the symptoms different, they both are experiencing through avoidant activities numb their the residual effects of trauma, which anxiety and symptoms by the use of has interrupted their ability to fulfill a substances, and frequently do not lifelong dream they both share — to come to terms with their issues until

50 Fatherhood in Recovery: Fathers, Families and PTSD they have destroyed their relationships shame and motivate victims to with a spouse and/or their children. seek additional assistance. At the same time, the military and/ • Develop a list of culturally or community organizations are not appropriate emergency and prepared to deal with the issues that therapeutic resources available these fathers and their families face. to fathers and their families. With the number of war and • Incorporate stress-reducing community trauma victims increasing activities such as meditation, every day, it is imperative that we take exercise, holistic health methods, a closer look at how we can be better and healthy nutrition in order to prepared to respond appropriately to reduce anxiety and begin the the needs of these fathers and their healing process for fathers and families. their families. • Create a volunteer “Fathers in Fatherhood programs or organizations Recovery” program where fathers that work with fathers should consider who are on the path to healing incorporating some of the following in can share their stories and reach order to assist fathers in dealing with out to other fathers in need. their trauma-related issues and to start In the end, we must be prepared to the healing process: extend ourselves to all fathers – along with their gifts as well as their baggage • Begin an awareness effort in – so we can assist them to heal and your organization and commu- recover their ability to be the best nity in order to sensitize staff, fathers possible. programs, and the community to issues of trauma and recovery. Jerry Tello, M.A., is an internationally • Create a fatherhood support recognized author, motivational speaker and group for returning veterans and therapist. He is director of the Sacred Circles victims of trauma. Healing Center in Whittier, California, and • Incorporate awareness and a member of the Sacred Circles performance education on issues of PTSD in group, dedicated to family-community peace fatherhood and parenting pro- and healing. He is also the proud father of grams as a vehicle to decrease Marcos, Renee and Emilio.

Project Fatherhood at Heavenly Spirits, Inc.

By Monica Williams

The term developmental disability more opportunities are available. One refers to a severe and chronic disability example, Heavenly Spirits, Inc.’s Life that is attributable to a mental and/or Skills Program, has provided community- physical impairment that begins before based services for individuals with an individual reaches adulthood. These disabilities in the high-need, low-income disabilities include mental retardation, area of South Los Angeles since 2000. cerebral palsy, epilepsy, autism, Down Heavenly Spirits embraces and teaches syndrome, and disabling conditions life skills to a client base of mostly men closely related to mental retardation ranging in age from 17 to 52 who want or calling for comparable treatment. to improve their personal appearance, Quadriplegic clients need nurses’ aides social relationships and acceptance, gain to help with toiletry self-confidence, and hygiene; the “Having brothers and sisters who are encourage mutual visually impaired not special needs makes them angry at cooperation in require Braille you, because I need a lot of help to eat, solving problems, or other vision get dressed and go to the bathroom.” develop a assistance; it stronger sense is essential to provide the hearing- of community, foster cross-cultural impaired with an interpreter; and the sensitivity and respect for all life, and wheelchair-bound need extra help acquire a sense of self that will promote as well. healthy choices. These necessary life skills help clients resolve conflicts The developmental services system, without violence and help them to both in California and the nation, has become positive and productive come a long way since the 1950s members of society, allowing them to and earlier, when individuals with live a more meaningful, responsible, developmental disabilities faced and personally gratifying life. isolation, segregation, and lack of individual freedoms. Today, many In our society, we respond favorably

53 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement to people who are attractive. For the Because all children have a strong most part, we tend to treat them with desire and need to connect with respect and affection. We perceive their fathers despite any disabilities, them as intelligent and, as a rule, offer the Project Fatherhood program them a better quality of life. We like to was added to the existing services search for and that Heavenly celebrate what we “I always thought my dad didn’t Spirits provides. Connecting call “beauty.” We want me because I was retarded and never consider the fathers with their ugly. Now I know he just didn’t know developmentally children should how to be a dad and love me.” disabled be a natural population to be and precious physically attractive. Their abnormalities experience, but when added often display physical awkwardness to the special requirements of and facial distortions. Judging people developmentally disabled fathers, the entirely by their appearance allows us absolute needs of the father can take to stigmatize them, and allows them precedence over the nurturing and to fall victim to the prejudices of how growth of the child. people look. If a baby has physical or mental Many children in the United States abnormalities, everyone treats that have no fathers physically or baby differently. Because of the emotionally present in their lives, and disabled children’s delays, most statistically they can expect a life of people find them harder to bond with, poverty, drug abuse, and incarceration. which is why both developmentally Having no father at home results in disabled dads and children often too many teenage pregnancies and feel unloved. First, their physical too many high school dropouts. Low- appearance separates them, then their income fathers are demonized as actual disability further distances them resistant to participation, disinterested from families and caregivers. Many in their children, and the primary source have been told they are ugly, retarded of the family’s problems. Disabled men looking, slow and dumb. Many do are rarely seen as strong or competent, not like looking at themselves in a and when they are even considered mirror. No one takes pictures of them. dads, they are perceived as incapable For most there are no baby photos, of parenting their children. sports pictures, family portraits, no

54 Project Fatherhood at Heavenly Spirits, Inc. souvenir snapshots with Santa Claus by bringing fathers who have been or the Easter Bunny. Moreover, their absent for a variety of reasons families and caregivers have kept no back into the lives of their children, photographs. They have no mementos creating relationships where none had of growing up, of having been looked previously existed. Finding one’s family at, of even having been seen. is sometimes like starting a family for the first time. But Project Fatherhood The developmentally disabled are provided a safe and supportive one of the most socially isolated environment where many of the fathers populations to begin with, and trying to and children had never even met one incorporate the complex relationship another before. between fathers and their children, particularly sons, into a social network Fathers, children, and significant creates multiple challenges. If you others were referred from inside the are separated by perceptions of day program by word of mouth, in- appearance as well as physically person recruitment, and through unavailable or unknown to your father the Department of Developmental or child, the difficulties are more Services’ regional centers. For people extreme than in the normal population, without birth fathers, caregivers acted although their separation can also be as surrogates. based on involvement with the judicial system, incarceration, drug abuse, On the site of the Heavenly Spirits and custody battles. The same issues day program center, a group of both that affect the general population disabled fathers with a non-disabled — poverty, prejudice, racism, child, and children of non-disabled homophobia — dads met in one are compounded room together “I wish there were pictures of me as for the every Saturday for a baby boy so I could show my son developmentally one year. There, disabled. what I looked like as a baby.” they talked to one another about Made possible through grant funding, something as fundamental as loving the Project Fatherhood program your child – a task so daunting and provided an uncommon and radical demanding that for most it had been addition to the existing program an overwhelming responsibility in the services available at Heavenly Spirits past. They spoke freely to people who

55 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement were genuinely interested in what they time. Sometimes, after only two group had to say, and found camaraderie and sessions, a new level of acceptance comfort. Eating shared meals together, and forgiveness was reached. they learned how to improve their own For Heavenly Spirits groups, simplicity lives and the lives of their children. of lessons, themes, and topics was very important. Project Fatherhood’s The group dynamic promoted curriculum of exploring self-esteem, disclosure, allowing everyone the alcohol and substance abuse, opportunity to tell their own story and domestic violence, and relationship listen to everybody else’s, including dynamics, was followed, but at a the facilitator’s, who had a clinical slower pace than with non-disabled background and was the father of a fatherhood groups. For example, disabled child. material covered Recognizing “My dad blames my mom for my in one week with a non-disabled and identifying being a regional center kid. I used to with one another group could take blame myself. The group made me through their two months. The stop blaming anybody.” pasts, particularly group started the struggles slowly, exploring with their own fathers, helped the the question, “What is a father?” For men understand themselves as well many of these clients, the very idea of as how to – and how not to – parent. being a father was a foreign concept. Significant others and children’s Emphasis was placed on nonabusive groups met in adjoining rooms. The parenting and examining the best ways co-facilitator of the fathers’ groups to parent special-needs individuals. often led the significant others group Clients were able to lay down their with the support and aid of Heavenly fears of unmet financial burdens Spirits staff and childcare aides. and obligations, and they became There were children and fathers increasingly aware of the legal and who had never had the opportunity individual responsibilities of a father to to socialize while supervising their his child. Learning to care, to be kind children or even participate in the basic and tender toward someone, gives care and hygiene that comes with people the chance to be in service being an active parent. Many clients and is one of the greatest boosters attempted to establish harmony with of self-esteem. Building a positive their significant others for the first circle of support within the group, at

56 Project Fatherhood at Heavenly Spirits, Inc. home and in the community at large, even fear. But everyone wants to have enables people with developmental fun, and there’s safety in numbers. A disabilities to lead more independent, child walking with his or her dad feels productive, and integrated lives. Other wanted and safe and proud. topics discussed in the group included grief and how to handle it, and how to A Project Fatherhood group of fathers accept one’s circumstances and not and children took a trip to a nearby blame others for them. Role reversals IHOP restaurant, where they requested occurred: What quiet tables can we do for “I love my daughter. She smiles and toward the back each other? Do of the restaurant, touches my face.” we remember always aware how to laugh and of and trying to play, or are we having familial fun for avoid discomfort. Eating pancakes the very first time? Bringing a sense together was fun. One adult disabled of humor into play as well as learning son sat close beside his non-disabled patience and manners, how to wait father, excitedly holding his hand and calmly and listen, are indispensable for laying his head on his dad’s forearm. everyone, but particularly compelling This young man suffered from epilepsy needs for fathers. The new ideas were and schizophrenia but was able to live introduced and spread across many on his own. The next week, on the sessions throughout the year. Exciting following Saturday, at the exact same trips and outings were added to the time, the son found his way back to curriculum, and both fathers and the same IHOP, sat in the same booth children took pictures of each another. in the room at the back, ordered the Having a photograph of a loved one for same meal from the menu, and waited the very first time is how memories are for his father to return and sit beside made. For nonverbal clients, physical him again. Recognizing the young man, contact and holding hands had a the IHOP manager called Heavenly potent impact. Spirits, and a staff member arrived at the restaurant, paid the bill, gently An outing into the so-called normal explained the situation to the client, and world is a momentous experience for drove him home to his independent the developmentally disabled. For living apartment. While the story is most, it is a time when they are stared heartbreaking, it illustrates the power of at by old and young with curiosity, pity, just a one-time father-child reunion.

57 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement

Project Fatherhood incorporated the weekend visits. Sharing meals provided central mission of Heavenly Spirits the fathers’, children’s, and significant by providing necessary life skills to others’ groups opportunities to come improve social relationships, gain self- together and nurture their bodies as confidence, foster mutual cooperation well as their souls. All of these elements in problem solving and, most helped strengthen and prepare these important, make a human connection fathers and children for the chance or reconnection with people who need to come together and make physical, to be in each others’ lives. Project social, and emotional connections. Fatherhood was a huge success for Heavenly Spirits in the following A nine-year-old boy in the children’s ways: No one had to pay for the group was identified by the regional program, which encouraged people to center as terminally ill and medically participate. The fact that the program fragile. Due to ongoing, extensive was free allowed nearly 200 clients medical procedures and interventions, to be served. he was unable During the course “Inside we are all the same. In our to attend or of the program, groups we are liked for how we feel participate in the group. the largest group not how we look or behave.” was composed So the group of 26 fathers, 11 unanimously took children, and 15 significant others, it upon themselves to give him a including caregivers as well as family special adventure. The boy’s foster members. The grant funded special- mother, his father, his father’s girlfriend, needs staff, and this allowed for and his regional center liaison joined interpreters and aides. Transportation with a nurse and members of the was provided, and this was enormously Heavenly Spirits staff to take the boy important for this Project Fatherhood to Disneyland and spend a night at the group, because it both enabled Disneyland Hotel. The boy described involvement and promoted regular, the trip as the best day of his life. continuous attendance. Just making Reunited with his father, he currently contact between family members can lives in an assisted-living home. be a huge obstacle to reconnecting, and the program facilitated that It is impossible to measure the growth, process. Clients’ families who lived the caring, and the strength that was out of state were given bus tickets for achieved in such a short time. The year

58 Project Fatherhood at Heavenly Spirits, Inc. went by so fast. Believing that all all fathers. The distance between us fathers want the best for their children, is based far more on our physical Project Fatherhood is guided by the differences than our emotional ones. principle that all children need their Regardless of who you are or what fathers in their lives to become whole. you look like, the pressures and joys of The most moving testament to the fatherhood are universal. program’s success at Heavenly Spirits was that the true common bond Monica Williams is administrator of the between these men was not that they Heavenly Spirits, Inc., Life Skills Programs were all disabled, but that they were and directs its Project Fatherhood program.

Birthing Daddies

By Kathryn Hall-Trujillo, MPH

Chip told me that even though he and dying at such a disparate rate. We Alice had been together since they decided that we could not stand by were teenagers and had three children, and wait for them to figure it out. We he had never been present at any of developed an action plan to form our their births. And he wasn’t sure he own organization with the intention of wanted to be present at this one. helping women learn how to use the available health and social services Chip and Alice were participating in system and to help that system learn The Birthing Project, and Chip was the to integrate us into it. first man in BrotherFriends, our new program for fathers. Our signature After years of successfully providing program for women, SisterFriends, had this service to women, we were been around for years. Quite simply, constantly asked why we did not the model is to provide pregnant teens offer a similar service to fathers. Our and women with the guidance and response was, “If men want to do this, support of an experienced woman who they will have to figure out how to plan serves as her SisterFriend during her and implement their own services.” pregnancy, delivery, and the first year We responded this way because as a of her baby’s life. group of grassroots women of color, we understood how important it is The Birthing Project was a response to have services that are not only by community women in 1988 to the culturally appropriate and gender- alarming infant mortality rate of appropriate/competent but, more African American babies. The best important, how critical it is to have minds in health were shaking their the people with the problem involved heads and saying they just didn’t in claiming, naming, and solving the understand why our babies were problem.

61 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement

So one day, a critical mass of men The Birth led by Tchaka Muhammed – the only None of the men knew anyone who man involved in the founding of The had been present when their baby Birthing Project – decided it was was being born, including their father, time to develop their own program. uncles, and homies. Only Tchaka had BrotherFriends provides the same participated in the birth of his own guidance and support as SisterFriends children. For the most part, the men but from a male perspective. decided that their job was to get the Experienced volunteer fathers, mother to the hospital, wait patiently BrotherFriends, assist new dads in in the waiting room, and then hand understanding the necessity for early out cigars. and continuous prenatal care as well as demystifying and providing tools to Tchaka convinced them that it was deal with the emotional roller coaster necessary to be in the delivery room both moms and dads experience. to protect and show support for the mother and to begin to write For that first BrotherFriends group, the themselves into their children’s lives BrotherFriends helped their brothers from the moment they were born look for work – not as an or employment “They helped them learn not to hit. afterthought, not training. They as someone who They helped them find car seats. helped them only needed to And, then…it was time to get ready find housing bring Pampers and figure out for the birth.” and milk. how to complete applications and attend medical When the big day arrived, Chip called and social service meetings and Alice’s SisterFriend and then he called appointments with their partners. Tchaka, his BrotherFriend, to meet him They helped them identify and at the hospital. When Tchaka arrived, get themselves into and through he found Chip patiently watching in substance-abuse recovery. They the hall by the door to Alice’s room. helped them cope with the rising sense When Tchaka asked him why he was of frustration and anxiety. They helped outside, Chip responded that he had them learn not to hit. They helped them been waiting for him. The two of them find car seats. And then … it was time entered the room, and Tchaka at first to get ready for the birth. stood next to Chip near the bed. After

62 Birthing Daddies awhile, Tchaka moved away. Alice know that he was by her side, no As Alice’s contractions became matter what. stronger, Chip decided he needed to go to the bathroom. Then he needed a Joy cigarette. Then he needed to go back Chip and his BrotherFriend returned to to the bathroom. Then he was hungry. the delivery room, where they remained On the visit to the cafeteria, he and for the duration of Alice’s labor. Chip Tchaka talked held Alice’s hand and watched, about why he “As a man he was supposed to was so nervous. wide-eyed, as the know what to expect and how to Chip struggled to little baby’s head deal with it.” find the words. peeked out of He was afraid Alice’s body. When of the unknown. He didn’t like being the baby slipped out of her mother in a in the position of not knowing what gush of fluid and blood, and when he he was supposed to do. He was saw his little dark-haired daughter, he uncomfortable watching Alice in pain broke into a full grin. and doing all the work. As a man he was supposed to know what to expect Alice breathed a deep sigh that women and how to deal with it. His job was to often describe as “exhaling,” in the fix things. sense that, “Now, I can breathe.” She later said that although she knew Chip During the course of the conversation, loved their children, this was the first Chip and Tchaka worked out a game time she felt that it was equal – that plan. Chip realized that a certain they were parents together. amount of his fear stemmed from the fact that even though he assumed Tchaka left Chip holding his little girl, childbirth was natural for women, he whom he named Joy, cradled against remembered that all women didn’t his chest, staring at her face, still make it through the birth, nor did all smiling. babies. After some thought he also remembered that the strength of his Chip had completed his alcohol relationship with Alice was their ability recovery program, but Alice had to face things together. His concern for not. He had actually entered several her was greater than anything he was programs before he completed one afraid of. All he really had to do was let during his Birthing Project participation.

63 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement

Alice had never been able to enter a years old now. Alice and Chip have recovery program because she had not been officially married for four years, want to leave her children. When Chip and they are grandparents to the new went, she stayed behind with the kids. baby of their eldest daughter. We laughed as we walked down Memory This time it was different. The three Lane: how Tchaka gave Chip courage older children were now in protective- to stay in the delivery room; how Chip custody foster home, and Chip felt as he witnessed Joy being born; promised Alice he would care for Joy and how, even though he was well while Alice was in an alcohol recovery into his thirties, that was the day Chip program. There was no reason not to claimed his manhood. believe him, because he had become Joy’s primary caretaker. Every time we As the BrotherFriends program has saw him, his precious baby was in a grown, more men have participated Snugli® held close to his body. Chip in the birth of their children. The confided that what he wanted more experienced dads speak of the than anything importance of for his longtime “The experienced dads speak of the being involved in sweetheart, their children’s importance of being involved in babies’ mama, and lives even before their children’s lives even before running buddy to they are born. come home clean they are born.” They share the and sober so they loss of their own could put their family back together. fathers, even before birth, and the lack of role modeling they had had. When Alice was released from The vast majority of the fathers at The recovery, Chip and Joy were there Birthing Project are not married to, or when she came home. Together, they in a committed relationship with, their adhered to their children’s protective baby’s mother. The men are able to services program and, within the year, sort through their feelings, identify their they and all their children were reunited goals, and develop strategies to be as a family. good fathers.

A New Generation Thanks to the volunteer BrotherFriends, Alice and Chip called me recently just a new generation of fathers is emerging. to say hello and check in. Joy is 13 They show up for prenatal care visits,

64 Birthing Daddies childbirth education classes, and in We have had to look at the circle we the delivery room. They feel that they have made and expand it to include deserve to be there because they are our colleagues and partners in the working to be the fathers they want to fatherhood movement. We have had be. They are creating a new story that to reconsider the words we use and includes them as men who were there revise our vocabulary to be more father- to protect and support their baby’s friendly and gender-competent. We mother, to welcome their babies into have had to make space in the delivery the world, and to pass on to the next room for fathers to be present in body generation the and spirit. We have indescribable “They are creating a new story that had to step back sensations and and let fathers includes them as men who were sacredness of new step up. there to protect and support their life. Their sons will not have to lament baby’s mother...” We didn’t realize it their own lack of in the beginning, role models. but we had been as hesitant to share power with men as other professionals And, we – the women who usually had been to share with the grassroots create and provide the services and community they had vowed to serve. programs for pregnant and parenting We didn’t think ours was a power trip; women – are learning to listen to and we thought we were protecting our deal with our own feelings about the mothers and babies from men who role of fathers in the work we do. This would not or could not take care has not been easy. Many of us felt of them. that the women we serve had been hurt by and needed to be protected As an expert in the field of maternal from the men in their lives. Many of us and child health, I was well aware of had chosen this work in the first place the studies that were telling us that because we had been disappointed fathers are one of the most decisive and hurt by men in our own lives. We factors in terms of birth outcome. had heard the collective, community As one example, women are more story of no-good, deadbeat dads, and likely to access prenatal care and we were passing this on to ourselves initiate breastfeeding if their partner is and the next generation of service supportive. The primary problem was, providers. we just did not know how to integrate

65 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement men into our health and human of his firstborn for a political reason. services system. Thanks to pioneers in He had heard that when babies are the field like Dr. Hershel Swinger and born, they are slapped on the butt Jerry Tello, community advocates like by the doctor. As a political and Tchaka Muhammed, and men like Greg social activist, he considered the slap King, who are developing the practice physical violence, and the fact that of fathering into a profession, we have it would be administered by a white been able to go beyond our fear of men man, racially demeaning. Tchaka did and begin to create a space for them in not want his child’s welcome into the our organization and to figure out how world to be a slap by a white man. best to support each other in claiming When he explained this to the doctor their right and responsibility to father and was assured that this was no their children. longer practiced, “Witnessing that first moment of life Tchaka was able As a woman of to relax and, as grabbed their hearts and minds...” color, I am also he describes it, aware of the “experience a political and social implications of the spiritual and paternal connection to absence of fathers in the lives of our my child that has enabled me to stay families. Every news report, research present in the lives of my children.” analysis, and social commentary reminds us that our children are For Tchaka, Chip, and countless other disproportionately failing in school, fathers, being present at the birth of locked up in the criminal justice their child anchored them in a way system, homeless, violent, and prone that could not be driven away by to substance abuse because they don’t the political, economic, societal, or have fathers. If this is indeed the truth, or personal realities of fatherhood in the even a part of the truth, it behooves us United States. Witnessing that first as a society to figure out how to rectify moment of life grabbed their hearts and this problem at the systemic level. minds and restored the ancestral bond between father and child, renewed the Tchaka, our BrotherFriend program social contract that defines a man by co-founder, and one of the first men how well he loves and cares for his I met who had attended the birth family, and defied the forces of racism of all his children, explained that he and classism that declares them unfit was driven to be present at the birth to assume their position.

66 Birthing Daddies

As we women watch our men – by assuring a space for fathers as close whether our children’s father, son, to the beginning of their children’s brother, friend, or client – stand there, lives as possible. Our newest Birthing wait for, and welcome our baby, we Project is in response to the devastation are reassured that they are capable left in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. of being the fathers we need them to It is housed in New Orleans in Life be. It is not that they were unwilling; Changers Resource Center for Fathers, it is more likely that our collective because men have taught us that birth history of slavery, oppression, and is not just about birthing babies – it is adaptation to societal realities that do about birthing families. not sustain them or us has weakened their knowledge of their role and how Kathryn Hall-Trujillo, MPH, is Director of important it is to our survival. The Birthing Project USA: The Underground Railroad for New Life, based in Taos, New We in the The Birthing Project are doing Mexico. www.birthingprojectusa.com our part to change the course of history

Fathers and the Courts

A Conversation with The Hon. Michael Nash

Q: What significant challenges or trends caseload for attorneys in Los Angeles are you seeing in the Los Angeles is also well above the norm, as is the Juvenile Dependency Courts? caseload for social workers. So I think just the numbers alone have always A: The biggest challenge is the same been a challenge for us. And even one it’s always been since I’ve been a though the numbers have gone down, judge: the sheer numbers of children they continue to be a challenge. we have to deal with. There are about 25,000 children under the jurisdiction Reunifying parents whose children of the Juvenile Dependency court have been removed from their care is because of abuse or neglect. That’s another big challenge; although here, probably the highest number in the too, there have been improvements United States. On the other hand, if in recent years. This includes parents we go back just a little over 10 years who now have “organizational ago, there were well over 53,000 representation.” That is, all parents children under the court’s jurisdiction have attorneys, but rather than for the same reasons. The numbers independent attorneys who aren’t have come down, and that’s a positive affiliated with any organization, there thing. But they are still high. There are is now an organization that represents 20 dependency courts here in Los parents and provides supervision and Angeles, and that translates into more training not only for the lawyers, but for than 1,200 kids per courtroom. The their support system. I think that has average in the state of California is improved the quality of representation about 1,000 kids per courtroom, and and brought about more vigorous that’s considered too high. So we’re representation, which is a positive thing well above the norm. The average for parents.

69 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement

Our Dependency Court also has that’s a very difficult process when you developed a substance-abuse protocol figure that there are no psychiatrists or for parents that is designed to aid those psychologists on the bench. We must who have substance-abuse issues. rely on the Department of Mental Health This is commonly Juvenile Court referred to as “The bottom line is, the way the Unit to advise us Dependency Drug whole process is set up, our foster care on whether or Court, the type not the requested system is being asked to step into the of thing that is medications shoes of competent parents.” now used in our are medically Criminal Courts appropriate for and Juvenile Delinquency Courts. The these kids. The bottom line is, the Dependency Drug Court model is a way the whole process is set up, our collaborative one that links parents foster care system is being asked with resources that have a proven track to step into the shoes of competent record. There’s significant monitoring parents. That’s something I don’t think of the parents by the court and others we’re ever capable of doing. Even as they go through the program, and a though the process we use here in Los model of encouragement for the parents Angeles is as good as any process that makes sure they’re doing what they found anywhere, it still falls short of the need to do. And it’s had a very high mark. But one of the things we’ve just success rate. So that’s another trend implemented is a systematic process to we’re seeing. I’m hoping that over the do a much better job of monitoring the next two to four years, those five Drug effects of drugs that are prescribed for Dependency Courts we have now will our kids. Heretofore, most of our efforts jump to 20, so every one of our 20 have been devoted to the approval Dependency Courts will be serving as a process – making sure we’re getting Dependency Drug Court as well. enough information to where we can legitimately feel somewhat comfortable Another significant challenge is that in approving medications. But we’ve many of our kids are prescribed never adopted a systematic process to psychotropic medications. This is a monitor the impacts of the medications. big challenge for us because under the All last year we worked on a process law, our judicial officers – our courts that we just implemented last March, – are required to approve requests and it’s already showing some very for psychotropic medications. And promising results. I think we’re the first

70 Fathers and the Courts court in the nation to attempt to do thinking about abused and neglected this systemically. There’s a bill pending kids – until it’s too late. We’re worried in the state about substance- legislature for the “... we’ve recently developed a abuse issues second year in substance-abuse treatment protocol for their parents a row to require for kids under the jurisdiction of the and everybody else, but we a monitoring Dependency Court.” program for forget that the every child who kids are at risk of receives psychotropic medications. The developing these problems as well. legislation failed last year, and I don’t So in addition to developing protocols know how it will fare this year. But we for collaborating between the two are in effect serving as a statewide pilot systems, we’ve recently developed a project on this issue. substance-abuse treatment protocol for kids under the jurisdiction of the Another area that’s an issue for us Dependency Court. The protocol is – and once again, we’re working designed to identify the kids and link very diligently on it – relates to kids them with appropriate treatment that’s who cross over from one system to designed to enhance their well-being another. Typically, this means a child and prevent them from crossing over in Dependency Court who’s at risk for into the Delinquency Court system. so many things, including coming into We piloted this program in a few of our contact with the juvenile delinquency courts and it was working so well that system; so we see kids crossing over about a month ago we expanded it to from one system to another. One of all of our courts. So we’re very pleased the things we’ve worked on here in about that. We’ve learned that more and Los Angeles is to develop a protocol to more kids have these issues. Now we increase the level of communication and have a way to deal with it. collaboration between the two systems, hopefully to achieve better outcomes Q: You mentioned that the numbers from these kids. And as we study them, of children involved in Dependency we learn that those who cross over, Court have gone down in recent years. particularly from Dependency Court to Is it safe to say that the numbers will Delinquency Court, have substance- continue to go down? abuse issues. That’s something you don’t typically think about when you’re A: So far it’s continued down this year,

71 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement and we’re keeping our fingers crossed In addition, a number of years ago, and hoping the trend continues. There the court developed a partnership are some reasons for this trend that with the Department of Children and give us a basis Family Services for optimism. “ The best form of social work is to and a couple of One is that assess the family first and then advocacy groups we’ve seen the – the Alliance for develop an appropriate response.” numbers decline Children’s Rights significantly over and the Public the years because when our numbers Counsel Law Center – to provide shot up in the mid-’80s and ’90s, additional resources so we could they were driven heavily by the crack expedite adoptions of children from cocaine epidemic. And while crack foster care. Since 1998, we’ve seen cocaine still exists, it doesn’t exist about 23,000 children adopted from in the proportions that it did back in foster care because of that partnership. those days. The system’s response That’s well over the number of to that epidemic was probably not adoptions that have occurred in any appropriate. It was more like, “Let’s comparable period of time in our remove the child from the home and history. So hopefully, some of the figure out what to do afterward.” In policies in effect now, and changes in terms of good social work, that has the way the system works, will help everything backward. The best form us stave off any negative impacts that of social work is to assess the family could flow from the negative economy. first and then develop an appropriate If we can stay consistent with the response. Filing a case that brings approach, continue to serve families in the family into court should be a last the community, and keep the court as resort, but back then it was the first. So a last resort, we won’t see any major we’ve seen the nature of social work spikes in our population in the courts. change in the last ten years. Now it’s much closer to the model of, “Let’s see Q: In 1995, President Clinton stated, if we can serve these families within “The single biggest problem in our the community first, and bring them society may be the growing absence of into the courts only when we have to.” fathers from their children’s homes…” We’re hoping that that type of response Two years later, Congress created a will carry us through any negative times task force to promote fatherhood. This we’re going through today. was followed by many other initiatives

72 Fathers and the Courts and programs. What’s happened in the those added adult connections that years since, and how has it affected are important in their lives. Too often children and fathers in this country? we’ve seen kids age out of the system without any adult connection in their A: From the standpoint of the child lives. These are kids whom the system protection system over the years, has failed. Every child should leave we’ve seen so many kids in our system this system with either a family or, at a without one parent, and in many cases minimum, with some significant adult without two parents. It was easy for connections in their lives that they can the system not to do much when the rely on as they get older and work their mother said she didn’t know who the way to some real independence as an father was. But as a result, we’ve seen individual. So we’ve seen some efforts too many kids who are missing out on headed in that direction. a crucial part of their lives. And when I say that, I’m not just referring to the Now if you look at our system today, father. Every parent brings a whole side of the 25,000 or so kids we have, a of their family. little over 19,000 When we fail to of them are in “Studies show that when kids are locate one parent out-of-home care. living with relatives, they don’t move or the other – and Of those kids, in most instances, around as much, which happens too about 52 percent it’s the father – often in our foster care system.” are in the care of the children are relatives. This is missing access to some very valuable generally a good thing. Studies show resources in their lives. And this is that when kids are living with relatives, crucial. It’s important, I think, to identify they don’t move around as much, parents as early in our process as which happens too often in our foster possible, because to the extent that care system. They have a greater sense we can locate and empower parents of permanence and ultimately can more to take care of their kids, the kids are effectively achieve permanence. But better off in the long term. But even that also means that 48 percent of kids when the parent is incapable of being are not living with relatives. One of the empowered, there are still maternal shortcomings of the system has been and paternal relatives who can add a less than sterling effort in identifying so much to the life of a child, whether fathers, which means we’re missing through placements or just having out on a whole segment of relatives

73 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement for these kids. So we’re seeing an look at things. If I have a case file, there increased trend toward family-finding. may be six kids in a case file. Those kids are all organized in the case file When we do identify relatives, they based on having the same mother. So don’t all have to be available to care the mother will be in one case file. But directly for the child, but they can a father who’s had children by different certainly be mothers could a connection be in any number “As a rule, I think that the system for that child. of different case has not focused on the fathers to Also, the more files. This makes relatives you the extent that it should.” it more difficult identify, the more for a father to potential resources you find that can navigate and coordinate among his be helpful for the parents to do what children, if he had those children by they need to do to reunify with their different women. As a rule, I think that kids. In the past, we’ve been more the system has not focused on the focused on evaluating relatives from fathers to the extent that it should. And the perspective of what they can do we’re trying to change that, because for the kids, and not enough on what there are fathers who, with a little bit they can do for the parents, either to of help and encouragement, can be care for the kids or help get the parents empowered to have a positive influence in a position to care for their kids. So in the lives of their kids. And once again, this is another area where we’ve fallen there’s a whole side of the family that down, but we’re making efforts to step comes with him and who can be a forward these days. positive force in the lives of their kids. I’ve seen too many cases over the years Q: Have the perception of fathers in where enough effort wasn’t placed on the juvenile court system changed convincing a reluctant mother to identify over the years? Are there biases or the father of her child. And efforts to misperceptions related to paternity that locate a father, even when there was a still persist, whether intentional or not? name, were not as comprehensive as they should have been. Or, even when A: It’s hard to say. All the cases here the name of the father was known, if in Dependency Court flow from the that father wasn’t around, there were mother. I was wondering whether that minimal efforts at best, if at all, to is a reflection of a bias in the way we attempt to locate paternal relatives to

74 Fathers and the Courts see what resources they could bring I did an adoption a few years ago to the table on behalf of the child. It’s where the adopting parent was the really important to natural father of look under every “It’s really important to look under the child. This rock, if you will, every rock, if you will, to find everybody was a situation in to find everybody which the father and anybody who could potentially and anybody who had not been play a meaningful part in a child’s life.” could potentially identified early play a meaningful on in the case, part in a child’s life. And that means and the case had proceeded through focusing on fathers and paternal the system, and paternal rights had relatives as well. been terminated. The child became a legal orphan and entered the foster Q: What impact does a father’s care system. A little later, the biological presence have on a child? Conversely, father was identified and he wanted what impact does his absence have on to be a part of his child’s life, so he a child? became the foster parent. Later, as a foster parent, he ended up adopting his A: I’m not a psychologist or biological child. psychiatrist. But I grew up in a home with both a mother and a father. My When I first came into the system in father was a role model for me. From 1990, I was shocked at the number of my perspective, it’s hard to imagine so-called legal orphans in the system. growing up in a home where there That is, children whose parents had aren’t two loving parents and all of the had their parental rights terminated other potential family members who and the children were free for adoption. come along with each parent – even There had been minimal efforts made though I see it all the time. I think to adopt these kids, and so they ended there’s a piece missing from one’s life up growing up in foster care, which when that doesn’t exist. is a negative thing. As I was going through the files that were new to me Q: What role do the courts play in when I started here, I was surprised, bringing people and families together? first by the number of cases there were. But I was even more surprised A: I’ll give you a couple of examples that in many cases, there had not been that I thought were rather amazing. a comprehensive search to locate

75 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement both parents. So in every one of those working with those who are willing cases, regardless of where it was in the and able, and providing them with process, I required the appropriate the Department “I think we need more programs that training and of Children are designed specifically to work with encouragement, and Family fathers and help to empower them. ” so they’re Services to do a ultimately comprehensive empowered to search for those parents. And I was assume a meaningful role in the lives of always gratified that there were a their children. I’ve seen it, and I’m very number of cases where fathers were impressed by it. I think we need more located who came forward and did programs that are designed specifically want to play a meaningful role in their to work with fathers and help to children’s lives. Consequently, I never, empower them. ever have proceeded with a case unless a comprehensive search had Q: What impact has National Adoptions been made beforehand to locate a Day had on families? so-called missing parent. A: There are too many children in our Q: What’s working in the community system who need a home and don’t now to help families, particularly have one. These children are not fathers, and what more is needed? damaged goods. They’re just kids. All they need is a home. National A: I’m impressed by the work that Adoption Day brings both legal and Dr. Hershel Swinger has been doing judicial resources together to expedite through Children’s Institute to work the adoption of children from the with fathers, because once again, foster care system. In Los Angeles, the fathers have too often been the 23,000 adoptions I referred to earlier forgotten people in our system. I think include the adoptions that we’ve done it’s important that we identify fathers as as part of National Adoption Day. quickly as possible, and then evaluate It’s encouraged many more people, I them from the perspective of whether think, to step forward and investigate or not they are first willing, and then the possibility of adoption. And it’s capable, of becoming a meaningful also shed a positive light on the child part of their children’s lives. What Dr. protection system which, for the most Swinger has been doing is just that: part, has been viewed in a negative

76 Fathers and the Courts way. Most of the publicity we hear in late 1989, I requested a Juvenile with respect to the child protection Court assignment, because I thought system has been, “Look, they screwed that might be a place where I could up again. Another child got hurt. The do some meaningful work with young system isn’t working.” Well, National people to move them in the right Adoption Day shows the positive direction. What I had in mind at the results that can be achieved in that time was the Juvenile Delinquency system. There are children who do Court because it was what I knew. That leave the system for a healthy, loving would have been fine, and the Juvenile home, something every child on earth Delinquency Court is a fine place is entitled to. to work. But what happened was, I received a call from the then-presiding Q: Why did you decide to focus your judge of the Delinquency Court, the career on the Juvenile Dependency late Paul Boland, one of the all-time Division of Los Angeles Superior great judges. And he said, “Mike, I’ve Court? got great news for you. You’ve been assigned to the Juvenile Court.” I A: My career as a lawyer and a judge replied, “That’s great.” And then he had been focused on the criminal said, “You’ll be working in Dependency justice system, and I thought it was Court.” And my response to him was, pretty good “What’s that?” I work. First as “What I found I enjoyed doing as a didn’t even know what Dependency a prosecutor judge was working on cases where I and then as a Court was. And could play a role in turning someone’s judge, I’d had an he told me, “You’ll life around in a positive way.” opportunity to put find out soon a lot of people enough.” in jail, and more and more, I got less satisfaction out of that. What I found I I started in Juvenile Dependency Court enjoyed doing as a judge was working in January 1990, and I took an instant on cases where I could play a role liking to it. Even though the system in turning someone’s life around in a itself had many problems, I liked the positive way. And I found that those fact that I got to deal with kids on a kinds of opportunities in criminal court daily basis. And I liked that virtually all are few and far between. So when I the people involved in the system were was elevated to the Superior Court there because they wanted to make a

77 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement difference in the lives of children and or a family, or both. There isn’t one their families. And we’ve ended up individual in this process who can do helping a lot of people. The challenge it all. You would think that as a judge I over the years has been to improve should be able to accomplish anything the way the because I have system works so “The most rewarding thing is seeing the power of we can increase a positive outcome ... seeing a child the robe behind the percentage me, but it just walk out of the courthouse with an of people we’re doesn’t work that adoptive family...” helping. After way. If you don’t working as a have everybody Dependency Court judge for six or working together in this system, it’s seven years, I shot my mouth off at never going to work right. The more one point and said, “Boy, if they ever you can get folks to work together and put me in charge of this place…” You focus on common goals and common know the old saying, “Be careful what solutions, then the greater the progress you wish for.” So now I’ve been in a for everyone who comes through the leadership position in the court for a doors of the courthouse every day. long time, always focusing on ways to improve the system in order to increase Q: What’s most rewarding about what the number of people we’re helping. you do?

We’ve come a long way, but with A: The most rewarding thing is seeing 25,000 kids in the system, we still have a positive outcome, and that can a long way to go. But I still feel that the manifest itself in so many different great thing about this system is that ways: Seeing a child walk out of the we probably help more people in need courthouse with an adoptive family than all the rest of the people in the – boy, that sure feels good. Or when court system combined. a family comes into the system with lots of issues that are impacting the Q: Personally, what’s the biggest health and safety of their kids; and challenge for you? the government, through the courts, has had to step in. And you work with A: Among my biggest challenges is this family over a period of time, and getting everybody to work together they ultimately deal with the issues to advance the interests of a child, that brought them into the court,

78 Fathers and the Courts they get reunified, and they leave a that goes by that something positive much healthier and safer family than doesn’t happen for somebody. If you when they came into the system. That can take that attitude home with you feels pretty darned good, too. In fact, every night, it becomes very easy that really is the ultimate of what we to come back, try it again, and see do – when we can actually reunify a how many you can help the next day. family and see them leave the system And that makes this a beautiful knowing that the chances are that place to work. everybody is going to be just fine. The Hon. Michael Nash is Presiding Judge of Rewards happen every single day in the Los Angeles Juvenile Court. the court system. There isn’t a day

“It’s a father thing.”

By Gregory J. Boyle, S.J.

1 There is a hole in the soul of nearly “In fact, the day he chose to walk out every homie I know that’s in the shape on us was my sixth birthday.” There is of their dad. Homeboy Industries, the a death behind his eyes that he can’t largest gang-intervention program in mask. “We had a cake y todo, but I the country, is always trying to create wouldn’t let them cut it. I waited for the moment of what psychologists my jefito to come home. I waited and call the “sustenance of that first waited. Nightime came. He never did.” attachment.” It is an offering, better late than never, of that parent-child bond He pauses here for what I presume will that tells the fatherless they are lovable. be the moment for him to cry, but there is only dryness and a rage you can The Japanese speak of a concept measure, the needle bouncing to its called amai, a living in a deep sense of farthest edge. being cherished, of raising kids lovingly. I ask one of my part-timers, David, “I cried ’til I was nine.” about his father. Recently released from camp and still on probation, he is cleaning the office after school. 2 I wait for some emotional creaking “Oh,” he says, monotone in place, here. Nothing. accustomed to answering this question. “He walked out on us.” Then he shakes “I don’t cry anymore, I just hate him.” up the dial tone of his voice and wants The great encounter with the “Father to go deeper, truer than he has before. Wound” is every homeboy’s homework.

81 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement

The poet Galway Kimmel writes, has mastered the art of hanging out. “Sometimes it’s necessary to reteach Few do it better. He is half-hearted a thing its loveliness.” An older even in his sporadic forays into crack homeboy tells me this: “When I was 10 selling. He sells enough to feed himself years old, I walked in on my dad and at McDonald’s and resume the ardors he had a needle in his arm, all dazed. of just kicking it. The assertion in He looked at me and said, ‘Take a “Freakonomics” is true enough – that good look. This will be you one day.’” by and large, very few homies are getting rich selling drugs. No one’s Another says, “My Dad would fuck us buying the home in La Puente; certainly up. I mean, Fuck. Us. Up. You know – not Joey. if we didn’t massage his feet right or bring his wallet fast enough. I decided My attempts are numerous to shake one day, ‘I don’t want to become him.’” Joey out of this stupor of sleeping late, sling a little, kick it with the homies, Still another says, “I wish I never knew check in with his jaina, endure the his name – wish I had never seen his “woofing” of his grandma. His more face.” purposeful older brother, Memo, sums up Joey’s level of maturity. There is a wound that needs excavating before that “first “He always be actin’ his shoe size – attachment” can attach itself eight.” elsewhere. Loveliness retaught.

4 3 This shiftlessness has become his life, Homies get stuck so often in a morass for all the pointing I make in the general of desesperación, impasse writ large, direction of possible exit strategies are and in the ordinary mud of inertia and all politely shrugged away. laziness. The conjuring of an image of something better just doesn’t come to Then one morning, Joey shows up at them. Joey is one of those “stuckees.” my office and his smile seems to come from a deeper, surer place than usual. At 21 years old, he seems eternally adolescent. A cherubic-cheeked, “Get ready to be proud of me,” he chunky kid who looks forever 12, Joey says, settling in.

82 It’s a father thing

“Okay, I’m sitting down – fire away.” “In two months, my son’s gonna be born. I want him to come into the world “You are talking … to an employed vato and meet his father – a workin’ man.” right now.” That’ll do it. A new identity is forged, “Serio, dog? Felicidades. So where you born of the longing to attach and the workin’?” promise to provide that which had been denied you. Joey turns around to make sure no one is lurking nearby. “Now, that’s the thing, G. You can’t tell the homies.” 5 Nearly eight o’clock at night. I pass the I nod. front of the emergency room at White Memorial Hospital. On the bus bench, “I’m the rat.” all by himself, is Spider, a light-skinned huero wearing pastel blue scrubs. The rat. A mascot. Joey IS Chuck E. He’s just gotten off work. His hair rests Cheese. in limbo between clean-shaven and pelon and looks ready to be trained “Wow … I mean, that’s great!” I try and by a dollop of Three Flowers pomade convince him. And myself. and the snugness of a nylon stocking, pulled tight over the scalp. “No it ain’t … it sucks. The rat suit is all hot and it be hummin’ in there and Not yet 19, Spider works in the hospital the kids be buuuuuuggggiiinnnn. They as an orderly, moving patients and be pushing you and putting chicle on equipment. It’s a job he secured you.” through Homeboy Industries.

“Pero mijito, I’m proud of you,” I tell Spider is from a gang in Aliso Village him. “But what woke you up enough to Projects, where he and his sister go apply for a job?” mainly raised themselves, having been abandoned by their parents. I Joey gets sober and clear-eyed, and was never quite sure how they duped there is no doubting, for him, how he the Housing Authority into thinking was led to this moment and place and there was a responsible adult around. rat suit. I had only met him recently and came

83 Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement to know his story. He and his lady, eat and eat. And I just look at ’em and I with two small sons, now live in an thank God that they’re in my life. When apartment in Highland Park, several they’re done eating and I know they’re bus rides away. full, THEN I eat.”

“Get in, dog, I”ll take ya home.” And the truth is, sometimes there’s food left and sometimes there isn’t. We speak of many things as we go. I “Tu sabes,” he says to me, putting his question him about his bills and rent hand on my shoulder as I drive. “It’s a and how he’s faring. I’ve helped him father thing.” get jump-started in this regard a few times already. 6 “I’m okay,” he says, then steers himself The sustenance (and loveliness) of in a whole other direction. “You know the first attachment. Amai. The Father what I’m gonna do when I get home wound excavated, tended, healed – right now? I’m gonna sit down to eat alive for the first time, in a deep sense with my lady and my two morritos. But, of being cherished. well… I don’t eat. I just watch them eat. My lady, she gets crazy with me, but I Gregory J. Boyle, S.J., is the founder and don’t care. I just watch them eat. They executive director of Homeboy Industries.

84 Gone Fishing by Metrius Englin. Courtesy National Institute of Art & Disabilities. Fatherhood: Insights and Perspectives from Leaders in the Fatherhood Movement

ecent research has uncovered a wealth of information suggesting Rthat fathers are critical to a child’s success later in life. Yet, for a variety of reasons, fathers have been a largely untapped resource.

Founded in 1996 by Dr. Hershel K. Swinger at Children’s Institute, Inc. (CII), Project Fatherhood brings poor, urban fathers together and teaches them to teach themselves how to be loving, nurturing fathers. This publication explores the father’s role in their children’s lives and provides compelling evidence that programs like Project Fatherhood are working.

Project Fatherhood is a program of CII’s Leadership Center, the nucleus for a broad range of multidisciplinary activities, from research and model program development to training and advocacy. The Leadership Center builds and tests innovative ideas and disseminates best practices to the larger child welfare profession.

Children’s Institute, Inc. helps children who have been traumatized by violence in their homes or communities. Since 1906, CII has served high- risk children and families in some of the most devastated neighborhoods in metropolitan Los Angeles. CII serves more than 17,000 children and families and trains more than 6,000 professionals each year.

For more information about Project Fatherhood, The Leadership Center, and Children’s Institute, Inc., visit www.childrensinstitute.org.

THE LEADERSHIP CENTER AT

Project Fatherhood is partially funded by the United States Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Grant No: 90-FR-0088 and Grant No: 90-FR-0076. Any opinions, findings, and conclusions or recommendations expressed in this material are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the United States Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families.