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Recovering Male Same-Sex Friendships in the Modern Era Presented to the Faculty of the Adler Graduate School ______

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Recovering Male Same-Sex Friendships in the Modern Era Presented to the Faculty of the Adler Graduate School ______ Running head: SPIRITUAL FRIENDSHIP 1 Spiritual Friendship: Recovering Male Same-Sex Friendships in the Modern Era Presented to The Faculty of the Adler Graduate School __________________________ In Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for The Degree of Master of Arts in Adlerian Counseling and Psychotherapy __________________________ By Matthew James Holley __________________________ Chair: Richard Close Member: Meghan Williams __________________________ May 2017 SPIRITUAL FRIENDSHIP 2 Abstract This paper explores a brief history, overview and current state of male same-sex friendship in the broader context of the Christian tradition of spiritual friendship, specifically in the developed Western world. The Adlerian viewpoint on friendship is integrated into this examination, specifically those aspects which correspond to the intersection between individuals and the greater community, as well as the connection to the suprasocial aspects of Adlerian theory. Research presented in this paper indicates that the basic experience of friendship has become more uncertain with the increasing prevalence of social networking and the preference for immediate gratification rather than the intentionality that deep, intimate friendships require. This paper supports the continued study and encouragement of spiritual friendships as a viable option for males seeking lasting and rewarding same-sex deep friendships. SPIRITUAL FRIENDSHIP 3 Acknowledgements Joanne Holley: My mother, for believing in me and being a constant source of encouragement in my academic endeavors. Carroll Franklin Holley: My late father, to whom I am forever indebted for his kindness and insight and thankful for his lessons in thinking the best of people. Anna Holley: My sister, for supporting me throughout this exacting writing process and believing in me achieving my goals. Megan Holley: My sister, for her tenacity in enduring all my stress while writing this paper. Daniel McClure: For your constant encouragement and modeling of what spiritual friendship looks like in real-life. I am forever indebted to your friendship and your support. Joshua McClure: For all your encouragement and being an excellent model of a spiritual friend. RicTerrio "Ricky" Anderson: For your unrelenting friendship and support. Nathan Kashak: For all the opportunities to practice what I have learned about friendship. Charles Packard: For your friendship throughout the years. You are an inspiration in tenacity and determination for me. SPIRITUAL FRIENDSHIP 4 Table of Contents Introduction ..................................................................................................................................... 6 Definition of Terms ..................................................................................................................... 8 Friendship ..................................................................................................................................... 10 Defining Friendship................................................................................................................... 10 Adler and Friendship..................................................................................................................... 13 Friendship and Social Interest ................................................................................................... 13 Friendship and Community Feeling. ......................................................................................... 15 History of Friendship in the Classics ........................................................................................ 15 Eudaimonia ............................................................................................................................ 15 Aristotle’s three kinds of friendship ...................................................................................... 17 Cicero’s Laelius de Amicita .................................................................................................. 18 Comparisons to Aristotle and Cicero..................................................................................... 20 Male Same-Sex Friendship ........................................................................................................... 20 Benefits of Male Same-Sex Friendship ..................................................................................... 20 Importance for mental and emotional health ......................................................................... 20 Importance as a place of trust ................................................................................................ 23 Value of robust same-sex friendships .................................................................................... 23 Modern Male Same-Sex Friendship .......................................................................................... 24 Cultural expectations of masculinity ..................................................................................... 24 Mythologizing same-sex sexuality ........................................................................................ 26 Acceptance of male same-sex friendships ............................................................................. 28 Same-sex expressions of affection ........................................................................................ 32 Spiritual Friendship ....................................................................................................................... 33 History of Spiritual Friendship .................................................................................................. 33 Basis in Christian tradition .................................................................................................... 33 Value of Spiritual Friendship ........................................................................................................ 42 Individual Benefits of Spiritual Friendship ............................................................................... 42 Societal Benefits of Spiritual Friendship .................................................................................. 44 Technology's Impact on Spiritual Friendship ............................................................................... 45 Social Media .............................................................................................................................. 45 SPIRITUAL FRIENDSHIP 5 Virtual connections ................................................................................................................... 45 Virtual social connections ..................................................................................................... 47 Electronic supplanting of friends ........................................................................................... 47 Loneliness in modern Western society .................................................................................. 49 Conclusion .................................................................................................................................... 50 References ..................................................................................................................................... 52 SPIRITUAL FRIENDSHIP 6 Spiritual Friendship: Recovering Male Same-Sex Friendships in the Modern Era Introduction Human beings are fundamentally social creatures, with complex rules and guidelines for social behavior and interactions. One of the most essential aspects of what it means to be fully human is to have friends. Friendship has been a fundamental relationship since the beginning of Western civilization and is a relationship toward which everyone is disposed towards by their very nature as social beings. It is universally regarded as being worthy of cultivation, regardless of an individual’s culture, age, sex, or religious affiliation. Friendship, unlike various other relational commitments, is wholly voluntary, unconstrained and uncoerced by any sense of obligation or duty. This makes friendship a uniquely mysterious, special and rewarding type of relationship; it is one of the greatest gifts of life, without which humanity would be impossibly impoverished. The particular uniqueness of friendship is that it is a completely unconstrained affection which would be deemed unnatural if viewed in a purely evolutionary manner (Lewis, 1960/2004). Friendships are built on the foundation of a shared truth, one which both members perceive that others do not. This joins them in a unique and exclusive way, with the relationship distinguished from others by this mutual exclusivity, but also in the shared affection they take in each other's company. This shared truth can take many forms; it may be a shared interest in a sport or popular entertainment franchise, but it binds those who are friends in a manner that it does not with others. This basis for friendship has been many things, but perhaps the strongest and most enduring types are those among Christians which are built on the foundation of a shared reverence for Christ. These friendships are considered sacred, to the point where if one SPIRITUAL FRIENDSHIP 7 decided to forsake the vows of confidentiality inherent within the friendship, the other should remain faithful out of reverence of the sacred nature of the vow itself (Schroeder, 2007). In the twelfth century, Abbot Aeldred of Rievaulx distinguished between three types of friendship; carnal friendship
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