A Guide to BiBlicAl counselinG life Baptist church summer 2013 Notes: A Guide to Biblical Counseling

Who will benefit from this training?

There are two types of people who will find this class helpful and timely:

1. Those who desire to help friends and family members work through life’s challenges in a biblical way. This person feels like a magnet for hurting people. Like moths to a flame, people continually bring difficult situations to this person (asking for help and advice). In some areas, they feel “qualified” to speak, but in other areas, they hesitate because of lack of experience, understanding, or confidence.

2. Those who have considered serving as a biblical counselor in either a vocational or volunteer capacity. A person in this category has probably taken counseling, psychology, or behavioral analysis courses and might even be trained as a counselor. However, after questioning certain theories in conventional counseling, they are open to learning more. Regardless of prior training or strong desire, this person understands the spiritual component of health, and they are interested in helping others.

Goals for this study: 1. To help Christians develop a biblical worldview that leads to healing in all areas of life. 2. To train Christians to look past the symptoms and find the source of problems. 3. To train Christians to be better listeners and careful communicators. 4. To train Christians to lovingly confront, challenge, and correct faulty beliefs and actions so that they can help guide a person to complete health. 5. To train Christians to locate relevant Scriptures and properly share these passages with others. 6. To train Christians to see the difference between character development and sin management. 7. To train Christians to establish boundaries in counseling and recognize potential problems before they occur. 8. To help Christians gain a godly confidence in helping people and a willingness to share what they have learned with others. 9. To train lay counselors who are prepared to effectively help hurting people.

Session Format: (The format will change in arrangement, but the primary pieces will stay the same.) . Teaching and Discussion . Case Studies and Examples . Homework . Prayer

Subjects Covered: . Introduction: Big Picture/Developing A Biblical Worldview . Session 1: Systematic Theology . Session 2: Locating Relevant Passages . Session 3: Basic Counseling Skills . Session 4: Finding the Source . Session 5: The Christ Life . Session 6: The Role of the Holy Spirit . Session 7: Spiritual Gifts/Fruit of the Spirit . Session 8: Counseling Marriage and Family . Session 9: Counseling Addictions, Fears, Anxiety, and Depression . Session 10: Counseling Crisis and Trauma

Meeting Dates: . June 1, June 29, July 27, August 24, October 5, November 2 from 8:30 to noon.

1 Introduction: Notes: Our definition of biblical counseling: A strategic opportunity for discipleship where Scripture is the source, the Christ-life is the focus, and complete health is the goal.

Big Picture of Problems: Write the common problems we encounter in daily life.

Everything that you have written in this box is an affect of ______.

Everything that you have written in this box is addressed in ______.

The problems we face (as Christians) are the result of living according to the flesh (habits, traits, and tendencies) developed under the old ______in ______, and not according to our new ______in ______.

Biblical counseling is not about learning a new technique; it’s about understanding and applying old truths.

Developing a Biblical Worldview:

Within the past few years, “worldview” has become a mainstream topic for evangelical Christians in the United States. The driving force is the growing concern about the rapidly changing post- Christian cultural scene (i.e. the removal of Ten Commandment from courthouses, decline of attendance in churches, acceptance of sinful choices, shift in the definition of marriage, etc.). The shift has caused many people to go in search of the basics.

World*view (noun): 1. Describes the overall perspective from which one sees and interprets the world. 2. A collection of beliefs about life and the universe held by an individual or a group.

A person’s worldview (whether Christian, scientific, humanist or spiritual) is a personal way of trying to find meaning and define reality. It’s how a person interprets the world. The summation of what we believe provides the framework for daily events. An individual’s worldview will be shaped by far more than the surrounding physical world. Religion, philosophy, ethics, morality, science, politics, experience, environment, and relationships will play a role in shaping their worldview.

2 Notes: An individual’s worldview is his or her basis for answering such questions as:

. Who am I? . Where did I come from? . Where am I going? . What should I value? . What is right or wrong? . Is there universal truth or is all true relative? . How should I conduct my life? . Who do I answer to (self, society, God, no-one)? . Does God exist? If so what is my response to Him?

For a person to develop a biblical worldview, it involves relationship with God through Jesus Christ and regular time in God’s Word. A person needs to spend time in Scripture, studying Scripture, understanding Scripture, believing Scripture, and living Scripture. Over time, we begin to see Scripture as our ultimate source of authority.

A biblical worldview is strengthened by 3 critical choices…

1. Choosing to believe ______before others.

2. Choosing to believe and consult the ______in all areas of life.

3. Choosing to see the world and events of life through the lens of God’s ______story throughout history.

How does a biblical worldview differ from a humanistic worldview?

1. A biblical worldview sees God as the Creator of everything, the Sustainer of life, and the central figure in history. A humanistic worldview sees humanity as a random development of evolution that is carving out an existence through personal decisions, chance, and animalistic impulses.

2. A biblical worldview sees humanity as born into sin and in need of redemption; a humanistic worldview sees humanity as born with a clean slate and shaped solely by choices and environment.

3. The biblical worldview suggests looking inside a person and addressing the source of sin; a humanistic worldview suggests looking outside a person and addressing the environmental causes.

4. A biblical worldview believes that absolute truth is found in the Bible; a humanistic worldview believes that truth is relative and found in each person.

These are just a handful of examples that show the difference between a biblical worldview and a humanistic worldview. The reason it is important to show some differences is because the vast majority of secular counseling is based on a humanistic worldview.

3 Notes: These are fundamentally different approaches to counseling. While it does not mean that everything shared in biblical counseling is right and everything taught in secular counseling is wrong, it needs to be noted that fundamental differences in belief will lead to fundamental differences in practice. Likewise, both lead to fundamental differences in outcome.

Discussion Questions:

How is the biblical worldview challenged?

Apart from food, shelter, and clothing—what do you consider to be the basic needs of humanity?

What do you suspect will be some of the challenges of biblical counseling?

What are specific issues that take the edge off your counseling sword?

4 Session 1: Systematic Theology Notes:

The first step in providing biblical counsel is knowing Scripture. Our beliefs about Scripture influence our counsel (either good or bad). It is not uncommon to find drastically different approaches within the Christian counseling community. Much of this is attributed to essential beliefs. If one counselor sees a person’s problems as environmental, they will seek to change the environment. If another counselor sees the person’s problems as sinful, they will seek to change the heart.

(DO NOT BE SURPRISED BY DRASTICALLY DIFFERENT APPROACHES WITHIN CHRISTIAN COUNSELING.)

There is no way to adequately explore the depths of theology in several hours. This topic is studied over a lifetime. Our goal today is to give an overview, provide essential definitions, establish key beliefs, and offer a safe environment for questions.

What is theology? Theology is the study of ______.

There are 7 major categories of Christian theology:

1. Systematic Theology: is the orderly discussion of Christian doctrine that uses truths from all parts of the Bible.

2. Biblical Theology: looks at the historical circumstances and development of doctrines.

3. Historical Theology: involves the study of the historical development of doctrines in church history. It looks at how the doctrines of the Christian faith have been understood throughout the centuries since New Testament times.

4. Dogmatic Theology: is the study of how certain Christian groups have understood theology. Examples of dogmatic theology include: (1) Arminian theology: a theology that stresses the freedom of man in salvation; (2) Covenant theology: a theology that stresses the importance of two or three overarching covenants that bring unity to God’s dealings with His creation; and (3) Dispensational theology: a theology that stresses the distinction between Israel and the church.

5. Contemporary Theology: involves the study of the doctrines of Christian groups as they have developed since the twentieth century. Examples include Liberal theology, Neo-orthodox theology, Feminist theology, Charismatic theology, and Vatican II Catholic theology.

6. Philosophical Theology: involves the basic philosophical assumptions involved with theology such as the existence of God, the nature of reality, and the possibility of knowing anything about God. Philosophical theology usually involves: (a) metaphysics (the study of reality); (b) epistemology (the study of knowing); (c) ethics (the study of right and wrong); and (d) philosophy of religion (the study of religion from a philosophical perspective).

7. Practical Theology: refers to theology as it is applied to Christian life and ministry. This includes the areas of preaching, teaching, discipling, counseling, worship, ethics, etc.

5 Notes:

Our focus is on systematic theology. As previously stated, systematic theology is the orderly discussion of Christian doctrine that uses truths from all parts of the Bible. For example, many books of the Bible give information about angels. Systematic theology takes all the information about angels (from all the books of the Bible) and organizes it into a system called angelology. Systematic theology seeks to organize the teachings of the Bible into categorical systems.

There are nine major categories of systematic theology:

1. The Doctrine of ______/ the Doctrine of the Bible: (Bibliology) 2. The Doctrine of God: (Paterology) 3. The Doctrine of Man: (Anthropology) 4. The Doctrine of ______: (Christology) 5. The Doctrine of the Holy Spirit: (Pneumatology) 6. The Doctrine of Salvation: (Soteriology) 7. The Doctrine of ______: (Israelology) 8. The Doctrine of the Church: (Ecclesiology) 9. The Doctrine of the Last ______: (Eschatology)

You will learn how to counsel through a systematic theology approach. This approach allows you to pull truths in a contextually accurate manner and apply them in a loving way.

When speaking about theology, doctrine, and beliefs, it is important to address foundational beliefs for this group.

Foundational Beliefs for Life Baptist Church:

1. We believe the Bible is verbally inspired by God; therefore, it is the infallible, inerrant, and perfect Word of God.

2. We believe that God has revealed Himself to humanity in three Persons: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

3. We believe in the incarnation of Jesus Christ through the virgin birth.

4. We believe in the substitutionary death of Jesus Christ on the cross for humanity’s sin.

5. We believe in the bodily resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.

6. We believe in the visible and imminent return of Jesus Christ.

7. We believe in a literal Heaven where the saved shall live eternally in the presence of God and in a literal Hell where the lost shall be forever separated from God in torment.

8. We believe that salvation is a gift from God based upon His grace and extended to those who will repent of sin by placing faith in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.

6 Notes:

While these 8 statements do not represent all we believe as a church, they do represent essential beliefs we all must hold in order to enjoy unity and move in the same direction. You will also notice that words are underlined. Every underlined word has theological significance. However, not every Christian believes the same thing about each word. Here’s the point. We need a working knowledge of theology in order to ascribe to the most basic set of Christian beliefs.

Expanded Theology:

I. The Scriptures

The Holy Bible was written by men who were divinely inspired by God; it is the record of God’s revelation of Himself to humanity. It is a perfect treasure of divine instruction. It has God for its author, and therefore is wholly without error. It reveals the depths of God’s love and the principles by which God judges us; and therefore is, and will remain to the end of the world, the true center of Christian union, and the supreme standard by which all human conduct, creeds, and religious opinions should be tried. It is sufficient as our only infallible rule of faith and practice.

(1 Corinthians 2:7-14; 2 Peter 1:20-21; 1 Corinthians 2:13; 1 Thessalonians 2:13; 2 Timothy 3:16-17; Matthew 5:18, 24:35; John 10:35; Hebrews 4:12; Psalm 119:89)

Scripture is: • ______(2 Timothy 3:16) (God breathed out) • Infallible (Proverbs 3:20-23) (certain, incapable of failing) • Inerrant (Psalm 19) (incapable of errors or mistakes) • ______(Jude 3) (one of a kind) • Complete (Jude 3; Hebrews 1:1) (finished; full revelation of God)

II. God

There is one and only one living and true God. He is an intelligent, spiritual, and personal Being, the Creator, Redeemer, and Ruler of the universe. God is infinite in holiness and all other perfections. To Him we owe the highest love, reverence, and obedience. The eternal God reveals Himself to us as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, with distinct personal attributes, but without division of nature, essence, or being.

(Deuteronomy 6:4; Isaiah 45:5-7; 1 Corinthians 8:4; Matthew 28:19; 2 Corinthians 13:14; 1 Timothy 2:4)

• There is ______God existing in ______persons. (Deuteronomy 6:4; Matthew 28:18-20)

7 Notes: God the Father

God as Father reigns with providential care over His universe, His creatures, and human history according to the purposes of His grace. He is all powerful, all loving, and all wise. God is Father in truth to those who become His children through faith in Jesus Christ. He is fatherly in His attitude toward all humanity.

(Psalm 145:8-9; 1 Corinthians 8:6; Genesis 1:1-31; Ephesians 4:6; John 1:12; Romans 8:15; Galatians 4:5; Hebrews 12:5-9)

• He is ______of all. (Genesis 1:1) • He is Father to the ______. (John 1:12)

God the Son

God is the eternal Son of God. In His incarnation as Jesus Christ, He was conceived of the Holy Spirit and born of the virgin Mary, hence the God-Man. Jesus perfectly revealed and did the will of God, taking upon Himself the demands and necessities of human nature and identifying Himself completely with mankind, yet without sin. He honored the divine law by His personal obedience, and in His death on the cross He made provision for the redemption of humanity from sin. He was raised from the dead with a glorified body and appeared to His disciples as the person who was with them before His crucifixion. He ascended into heaven and is now exalted at the right hand of God where He is the One Mediator, partaking of the nature of God and of man, and in whose person is effected the reconciliation between God and humanity. He will return in power and glory to judge the world and to consummate His redemptive mission. He now dwells in all believers as the living and ever present Lord.

(John 10:30, 14:9; John 1:3; Colossians 1:14-17; Hebrews 1:2; Philippians 2:5-8; 1 Timothy 2:5)

The Son: • Is ______. (John 1:1, 8:58; Colossians 1; Hebrews 1) • Is eternally ______. (John 1) • Is the only mediator. (1 Timothy 2:5) • Became a man through the virgin birth. (Isaiah 7:14, Matthew 1:23; Philippians 2:5-10) • Was ______. (Hebrews 4: 15) • ______on the cross. (Philippians 2:5-10) • ______again. (1 Corinthians 15:4) • Will ______again (Revelation 19:11-16)

God the Holy Spirit

The Holy Spirit is the Spirit of God. He inspired holy men of old to write the Scriptures. Through illumination He enables people to understand truth. He exalts Christ. He convicts of sin, of righteousness, and of judgment. He calls people to the Savior and effects regeneration. He cultivates Christian character, comforts believers, and bestows spiritual gifts by which they serve God through His church. He seals the believer unto the day of final redemption. His presence in the

8 Notes: Christian is the assurance of God to bring the believer into the fullness of the stature of Christ. He enlightens and empowers the believer and the church in worship, evangelism, and service.

(1 Corinthians 2:10-13; Ephesians 4:30; Matthew 28:19; Acts 5:3-4, 28: 25-26; 1 Corinthians 12:1-6; Hebrews 10:14-15; John 16:7-14)

The Holy Spirit: • Is a ______. (Acts 5:3, 9; 1 Thes. 5;19) • Exalts Jesus Christ. (John 16:14) • Indwells believers at ______. (Ephesians 1:13)

III. Humanity

Humanity was created by the special act of God, in His own image, and is the crowning work of His creation. In the beginning, humanity was innocent of sin and was endowed by its Creator with freedom of choice. By free choice, humanity sinned against God and brought sin into the human race. Through the temptation of Satan, people transgressed the command of God, and fell from his original innocence; whereby all people inherited a sin nature and an environment inclined toward sin, and as soon as they are capable of moral action become transgressors and are under condemnation. Only the grace of God can bring a person into His holy fellowship and enable him/her to fulfill the creative purpose of God. The sacredness of human personality is evident in that God created humanity in His own image, and in that Christ died for us; therefore every person possesses dignity and is worthy of respect and Christian love.

(Genesis 2:7, 15-25; James 3:9; John 3:36; Romans 3:23, 6:23; 1 Corinthians 2:14; Ephesians 2:1-3; 1 John 1:8)

• Humanity was ______by God. (Genesis 2:7) • Humanity was created in the perfect image of God, yet by free choice, ______against God. (Genesis 3:1-7) • All people are sinners by nature and by ______. (Romans 3:9-18) • All people bear the ______of God, despite the corruption of sin. (James 3:9)

IV. Salvation

Salvation involves the redemption of the whole person, and is offered freely to all who believe in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, who by His own blood obtained eternal redemption for the believer. In its broadest sense, salvation includes regeneration, repentance, faith, sanctification, and glorification.

• Regeneration, or the new birth, is a work of God’s grace whereby believers become new creatures in Christ Jesus. It is a change of heart wrought by the Holy Spirit through conviction of sin, to which the sinner responds in repentance toward God by faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. (John 3:3-8; Titus 3:5)

9 Notes: • Repentance and faith are inseparable experiences of grace. Repentance is a genuine turning from sin toward God. Faith is the acceptance of Jesus Christ and surrender of one’s entire person to Him as Lord and Savior. Justification is the declarative act of God by which, on the basis of the sufficiency of Christ’s atoning death, He pronounces every believer to be righteous, that is, to have fulfilled all of the requirements of the law. Justification brings the believer into a personal relationship of peace and favor with God. (Acts 20:20-21; Romans 5:1)

• Justification is a ______transaction at the moment of salvation.

• Sanctification is the experience, beginning at the new birth, by which the believer is set apart to God’s purposes, and is enabled to progress toward Christ-likeness through the presence and power of the Holy Spirit indwelling in him. Growth in grace should continue throughout the believer’s life. (Acts 20:32; 1 Corinthians 1:2, 30, 6:11; 2 Thessalonians 2:13; Hebrews 2:11; 1 Peter 1:2)

• Sanctification ______throughout the earthly life of the believer.

• Glorification is the culmination of salvation and is the final blessed and abiding state of the redeemed. (Romans 8:16- 17; 2 Peter 1:4; 1 John 3:2-3)

• The final state of the believer is ______dwelling forever in heaven with Him.

V. Resurrection

There will be a final resurrection for all people, the just and unjust. Those who placed faith in Jesus Christ during this life will be raised to everlasting life in Heaven, but those who failed to believe in Jesus Christ in this life will be raised to everlasting condemnation in Hell. (Acts 24:15; Hebrews 9:27; 1 Thessalonians 4:13-17; Revelation 20:15, 21:8)

• There are only two eternal destinies for people: ______or ______.

VI. The Church

A New Testament church of the Lord Jesus Christ is a local body of baptized believers who are associated by covenant in the faith and fellowship of the gospel, observing the two ordinances of Christ, committed to His teachings, exercising gifts, rights, and privileges invested in them by His Word, and seeking to extend this message of the gospel to the ends of the earth.

The church is an autonomous body with each member equally responsible. It operates under the Lordship of Christ following

10 Notes: scriptural teachings. Two official offices serve the church. It is led and overseen by men in the office of pastor/elder and served by men in the office of deacon. The New Testament speaks also of the church body as the Body of Christ (including all of the redeemed of all the ages).

(1 Corinthians 12:12-13; 2 Corinthians 11:2; Ephesians 5:23-32; Revelation 19:7-8; Ephesians 1:22, 4:15; Colossians 1:18)

• The Church is the Body of ______. • Jesus is the ______of the Body.

VII. Baptism and the Lord’s Supper

Christian baptism is the immersion of a believer in water in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. It is an act of obedience symbolizing the believer’s faith in a crucified, buried, and risen Savior; the believer’s death to sin, the burial of the old life, and the resurrection to walk in the newness of life in Christ Jesus. It is a public testimony to his faith in the final resurrection of the dead. Being a church ordinance, it is a prerequisite to the privileges of church membership and to the Lord’s Supper.

The Lord’s supper is a symbolic act of obedience whereby members of the church, through partaking of the bread and the fruit of the vine, remember the death of the Redeemer and anticipate His second coming.

(Acts 2:38-42, 8:36-39; Romans 6:1-11; Acts 2:41-42; 1 Corinthians 11:23-32, 10:16)

• Both baptism and the Lord’s Supper are ______.

Specifics on Believer’s Baptism

1. A Proper ______(Acts 2:41) Only a genuine, born again believer in Jesus Christ is a proper subject for baptism.

2. A Proper ______(Mark 1:9-10) The word “baptism” is literally translated “to immerse, to dip, or to plunge.” Only immersion properly symbolizes the death, burial, and resurrection.

3. A Proper ______(Romans 6:3-4) The purpose of baptism is to symbolize the death, burial, and resurrection.

4. A Proper ______(Matthew 28:18-20) Baptism is an ordinance given only to the New Testament church. The ordinance of baptism is only scriptural if it is done within the authority of a local New Testament church.

11 Notes: Biblical Terms Connected to Theology:

• Apostle: Sent out ones; specifically chosen by Christ and saw the risen Christ. • Anthropomorphisms: Throughout the Old Testament, anthropomorphisms describe God in some function or characteristic. This is figurative language that describes a certain characteristic of God or describes His divine activity from a human perspective and language. The word Anthropomorphism is derived from two words Anthropos = man, morphe = form. This designates the view of God having human features and form. He is described as having feet, hands, mouth, and a heart. Scripture mentions His ears, feet, back, fingers, arms, and hands. None of these should be taken in the solid literal sense that would have us think God who is Spirit, has form as a human creature. These are meant to communicate something of His being or of service, some facet of the invisible God in human terminology. For example, there are the Scriptures such as the eyes of the Lord go to and fro upon the earth. God called a shield, a buckler, a high tower, a fortress. If we took the former descriptions literally, then we would have to think of Him as an inanimate object. He is called a vine, a door, a mother hen, a way, and the Lion of the tribe of Judah. These are terms used to communicate something of his nature or purpose to us strictly on a human level. • Bible: Is comprised of numerous literary forms: historical narrative, wisdom literature, poetry, epistles, apocalyptic writings, etc. • Covenants: A covenant is an agreement between 2 parties, one is God the other man. There are two different types of agreements in scripture: Conditional and unconditional. Covenants in sequential order (most recognize there are only two basic covenants, the mosaic and the New covenant)

o Edenic covenant (Gen.2:15-17) o Adamic covenant: (Gen.3:14-21) o Noahic covenant: (Gen.9:1-19) o Abrahamic covenant: (Gen.12:1-3) o Mosaic covenant: (Ex.19:3-8) o Land covenant: (Deut.29:10-15 30:11-20) o Davidic covenant: (2 Sam.7:4-17) o New covenant: (Jer.31:31) • Decree: Gods eternal purpose according to the council of his will, whereby for his own glory he foreordained what is to come to pass. Some things God proposes to do others he decrees. Permitting them to be done he affects good and permits evil. So he is in control of both yet he is not the author of evil. • Disciple: a learner or follower of Christ. • Doctrine: The teachings of Scripture (1 Tim.4:13-16 2 Tim.3:16) • Effacacious: Gods sovereign work to effectively call people to salvation through the conviction of the Holy Spirit.

12 Notes: • Election: To elect means to choose among possibilities. In this context it means that God chose some for blessing (eternal salvation) and passed over others. For example: He chose Israel and passed over Egypt and Babylon. He chose Jacob for blessing, but passed over Esau. Words associated with election are chose, chosen, foreordained, and appointed (Matt. 20:15-16; 22:14; 24:22,24,32; Mk. 13:20,22,27; Lk. 18:7; Jn. 1:13;10:3-4; 15:16; 17:8,9; Acts 13:48; 15:14; 18:27; Rom. 8:28- 30,33;2 9:10-24; 10:20; 11:4-7,28,33-36; I Cor. 1:26-29; Eph. 1:4- 5,11,12; Phil.1:29; 2:12,13; Col. 3:12; I Thess. 1:4-5; 5:9; II Thess. 2:13,14; I Tim. 1:9; 2:9; II Tim. 1:9; Tit. 1:1; James 1:18; 2:5; I Pet. 1:1,2,5-11; 2:8,9; II Pet. 1:10; Rev. 13:8; 17:8,14) • Foreordination: This term refers to God ordaining or determining from eternity whatever comes to pass. Theologians refer to God’s ordaining as the Divine Decree. The key point here is that foreordaining refers to the totality of creation, i.e., whatever occurs. His right to do this stems from His being the Creator of all that is. • Glorification: to become like Jesus at either the rapture of the Church, or at preceding resurrections. The final state of the believer is Christlikeness dwelling forever in heaven with Him. • The Gospel: means good news referring to the message of reconciliation to God for those who are sinners. • Grace: The undeserved favor bestowed upon sinners, a gift from God giving us Christ’s riches which we do not deserve nor can earn. (Eph.2:8-10) • Hypostatic union: The dual nature of Christ being both 100% God and 100% man dwelling together as one person. (Jn.1:14,18 Phil.2:6-8, Isa.9:6 Heb.4, Col.2:9) • Incarnation: God becoming flesh in the eternal Son. (Mt.1:21- 23;Isa.7:14) • Impute: To place on ones account Christ’s righteousness in exchange for our sin. • Exegesis: to draw out extracting what is in the text the way it was written. Finding the true meaning and explain the passages of Scripture from their context • Hermeneutics: The science of interpreting the written word, to find what the text actually meant. • Isogesis: Reading into a text what isn’t there. Interpreting it by different rules than a consistent understanding from the Bible. Using a presupposition to arrive at the meaning, by ignoring the language and culture it was used in. • Inerrant: the teaching of the Scriptures which are free without error, in doctrine, historicity, geographical and science, etc. • Inspiration: The activity of the Holy Spirit which superintended the writers of scripture to convey what God has said. Using their personalities and styles. • Justification: a legal declaration giving one right standing before God pronouncing a sinner righteous because of Christ’s merit (not making them righteous) (Ro.5:1,18 Isa.53:11 Rom.4:5) • Law of Moses: Considered a unit of 613 laws. civil, ceremonial, moral all interconnected. Its purpose was to reveal God’s holiness; to show us how far from God’s perfection we really are, to reveal sin, and be a tutor to lead us to Christ.

13 Notes: • Man: A direct creation of God. Made in his image to express God nature and bring glory to his creator. Specifically to have a relationship with God as a child to its parent. • Mercy: Is withheld punishment for righteous judgment. • Predestination: It refers to a specific act whereby God foreordains the destiny of moral agents (angels or men). In more practical terms it means that God decides the final destiny of beings before they were created or born. (See Psalm 139:14-16; Romans 8:29, and Eph. 1:4-5,11). • Providence: God working all things to the purpose of his will (Isa.40:28; Ps.139:13; Rom.8:28) • The Rapture: The resurrection of the saints and those who are alive when Christ comes for his church are simultaneously taken up and changed to immortality (1 Cor.15:51-52 ;1 Thess.4:16-17). • Redemption: to buy back out of slavery of sin. One is liberated from sin being their master because of the complete payment of Christ’s blood. (Gal.3:3; Eph.1:1;Rom.3:24-25) • Reconciliation: To make man who was once an enemy of God have peace through Christ’s atoning death . A change of relationship between God to man from hostility to harmony. (Rom.5:11; Col.1:20-21; 2 Cor.5:18) • Regeneration: the new birth by the Spirit-implanting of the divine nature by the word of God, and will of God and Spirit of God through faith (1 Pt.1:23; Titus 3:4, Jn.3:5; Rom.10:17; Eph.3:17) • Reprobation: It refers to those who were passed over and left for their just (the key word) condemnation. Note that it was a passive action. There is another view (a debatable one) that teaches that it was an active choice of God to condemn some. This view is sometimes called double predestination or hyper-Calvinism, though never taught by Calvin. One proof used to support this view are the several passages where God is said to harden Pharaoh’s heart (Ex. 10:20 and Rom 9:10). • Sanctification: The progressive work of the Holy Spirit in a believer’s life conforming them to the image of the son (2 Thess.2:13 Phil.2:13) • Salvation: To believe the Gospel by faith and be born a new by a spiritual birth (Jn.3:5-8; Eph.1:13,3:17 ; Rom.8:2; Eph.2:8- 10) • Sin: Transgression of the law, to violate Gods perfect standard or a command given. • Theophany: A physical manifestation of God as a person or messenger (angel) a pre incarnate appearance of Christ in human form, called “the Angel of the Lord.” (Gen.16:13, 17:1-3,18:1, 32:30; Ex.3:2) • Vicarious: to take a place of another as a substitution. Jesus took the place of sinners place vicariously on the cross. (Mt.20:28)

14 Notes: Bible Basics:

The Old Testament: • Consists of the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. • Written in Hebrew with few parts in Aramaic. • 39 Books • Written over a 1600 year period • Multiple authors and approximate dates

o Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deuteronomy = Moses - 1400 B.C.

o Joshua = Joshua - 1350 B.C. o Judges, Ruth, 1 Samuel, 2 Samuel = Samuel / Nathan / Gad - 1000 - 900 B.C.

o 1 Kings, 2 Kings = Jeremiah - 600 B.C. o 1 Chronicles, 2 Chronicles, Ezra, Nehemiah = Ezra - 450 B.C.

o Esther = Mordecai - 400 B.C. o Job = Moses - 1400 B.C. (although this is uncertain) o Psalms = several different authors, mostly David - 1000 - 400 B.C.

o Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Solomon = Solomon - 900 B.C.

o Isaiah = Isaiah - 700 B.C. o Jeremiah, Lamentations = Jeremiah - 600 B.C. o Ezekiel = Ezekiel - 550 B.C. o Daniel = Daniel - 550 B.C. o Hosea = Hosea - 750 B.C. o Joel = Joel - 850 B.C. o Amos = Amos - 750 B.C. o Obadiah = Obadiah - 600 B.C. o Jonah = Jonah - 700 B.C. o Micah = Micah - 700 B.C. o Nahum = Nahum - 650 B.C. o Habakkuk = Habakkuk - 600 B.C. o Zephaniah = Zephaniah - 650 B.C. o Haggai = Haggai - 520 B.C. o Zechariah = Zechariah - 500 B.C. o Malachi = Malachi - 430 B.C.

15 Notes: The New Testament: • Consists primarily of the Gospels and letters (epistles). • Written primarily in Greek and some Aramaic. • Written from approximately A.D 40 to 95 by eyewitnesses or ones who interviewed an eyewitness (Luke). • 27 books • Multiple authors and approximate dates

o Matthew = Matthew - A.D. 55 o Mark = John Mark - A.D. 50 o Luke = Luke - A.D. 60 o John = John - A.D. 90 o Acts = Luke - A.D. 65 o Romans, 1 Corinthians, 2 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, 1 Thessalonians, 2 Thessalonians, 1 Timothy, 2 Timothy, Titus, Philemon = Paul - A.D. 50-70

o Hebrews = unknown, best guesses are Paul, Luke, or Barnabas - 65 A.D.

o James = James - A.D. 45 o 1 Peter, 2 Peter = Peter - A.D. 60 o 1 John, 2 John, 3 John = John - A.D. 90 o Jude = Jude - A.D. 60 o Revelation = John - A.D. 90

16 Session 2: Locating Relevant Passages Notes:

Biblical counseling presupposes that the Bible will be a part of the process.  The challenge for the counselor is to right- ly handle the Word of truth and guide people to passages where the Holy Spirit can use the Word to speak truth to them. While all of the Word is equally inspired, all of the Word is not equally relevant. Knowing where to go, what to share, and how to share it will be critical to helping others.

Thoughts to keep in mind:

1. It’s not always important that you know the verse from ______, but you should know how to ______the verse when needed. 2. The more you study the Bible, the more comfortable you will become in sharing Scripture with others. 3. Do not be afraid to say, “I’ll get back to you with some passages that will help.” 4. Do not ______a passage to fit a situation in order to “do your job.” Biblical counseling is not just sharing a passage; it requires that we share a relevant, contextually accurate passage. 5. It is recommended that all biblical counselors have at least ______translations to study and share. The translations need to be from each of the primary cat- egories (i.e. NASB, NLT, Message). 6. Be careful that what you share does not simply point out the sin they already understand. If the person is unwilling to admit that the activity is a sin, it will be nec- essary to point out passages that indicate the sinful root. However, if the person knows that they’ve sinned, there is no reason to amplify the feelings of depravity by pouring salt into the open wound.

Bible ______Books

. Provide a cheap way to find a number of relevant passages . These are great tools to give to people during counseling

______Bible

. Breaks the Bible down into topics . Can be difficult to use at first

______

. Helps you locate a passage when you only know a portion of it . Strong’s Concordance (KJV, NKJV) . Make sure the concordance you buy matches the Bible you use 17 Notes: Use ______Bible Translations

. ASV, NAS, NASB, Amplified, KJV, NKJV o Literal Equivalents o Great for in depth study o Can read in a choppy, broken manner . NIV, NLT, CEV, ISV, RSV, NRSV o Dynamic Equivalents o Great for regular Bible reading, sharing with others, devotional reading o Easier flow for readers . LB, Message o Paraphrase o Good for gaining the general idea o Not great for in depth study o Can be helpful in sharing with a young believer Passages for comparison:

Galatians 5:22-23:

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kind- ness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” (NASB)

“But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, good- ness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Here there is no conflict with the law.” (NLT)

Proverbs 1:28-31:

“Then shall they call upon me, but I will not answer; they shall seek me early, but they shall not find me: for that they hated knowledge, and did not choose the fear of the Lord: they would none of my counsel: they despised all of my reproof. Therefore shall they eat of the fruit of their own way, and be filled with their own devices.” (KJV)

“I will not answer when they cry for help. Even though they anx- iously search for me, they will not find me. For they hated knowl- edge and chose not to fear the Lord. They rejected my advice and paid no attention when I corrected them. That is why they must eat the bitter fruit of living their own way. They must experi- ence the full terror of the path they have chosen.” (NLT)

Marking and Listing ______Passages

. Highlight different themes (“initiative” in John, “the will of God” in 1 Thessalonians, “in Christ” truth in Galatians) . Underline key words . Record passages under themes

18 Know the ______of Certain Books/Sections Notes:

. Wisdom o Proverbs o James o ______o ______o ______. Love o Psalms o 1 Corinthians 13 o John 14 and 15 o 1 John o ______o ______o ______o ______. Anxiety, Worry o Matthew 6:25-34 o 1 Peter 5:7 o 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 o ______o ______o ______. Addictions or Sin o Galatians 5:16-26 o Romans 6-8 o John 15:1-7 o ______o ______o ______. Marriage o 1 Corinthians 7 o 1 Corinthians 13 o Ephesians 5:22-33 o ______o ______o ______. Emotional Hurting o Psalms o Hosea o ______o ______o ______o ______19 Notes: . Loneliness o John 14:1-6 o Matthew 28:20 o Hebrews 13:5 o ______o ______o ______. Christ-life o John o Galatians o Ephesians o Philippians o Colossians o Romans 6-8 o ______o ______o ______o ______. Finances/Giving o Proverbs o 2 Corinthians 9 o ______o ______o ______o ______. Tongue/Speech o James 3:1-12 o Proverbs o 1 Timothy 4:11-13 o ______o ______o ______The Biblical Counselor’s Basic Tools:

. ______upon the Holy Spirit . Three translations of the Bible . Exhaustive Concordance . Bible Promise Book

Sharing Scripture with others:

. ______the Scripture to the person while showing them the passage. (WARNING: Do not presuppose that the other person can read! Asking the person to read the passage out loud, or asking them to tell you what they think of this passage—can lead to an awkward situation.)

20 Notes: . ______the secrets of the concordance, Bi- ble promise book, and marking passages with the oth- er person. Part of your goal is to help the other person become proficient in studying the Bible on their own.

. Always give Scripture ______.

. Be ______when sharing the Bible with others. Scripture is not our weapon to win the argument. It is an instrument of conviction, teaching, guidance, and healing.

. Think about sharing Scripture that not only relates to the immediate need, but also the effects of the problem.

o Financial problems: . The immediate need is going to be finan- cial wisdom. . Effects of the financial problem might be worry, stress, faith, hope, God’s provision, etc. o Addiction problems: . The immediate need is going to be the addiction/selfishness. . Effects of the addiction might be self-es- teem, worry, pride, hope, assurance of God’s love, self-condemning mentality, etc.

. Remember to pray and rely on the Holy Spirit to do the work in the person’s life.

Practical Examples:

Example 1: Larry is an alcoholic. He admits that he has a problem, but he is also afraid that he has burned too many bridges with his family and friends. Without any other insight into Larry’s life, what are some immediate areas to address? What are some relevant passages to share?

21 Notes: Example 2: Craig lost his job a month ago. He is a 3 year old believer, but he is not very strong in the faith. He is stressing over the bills and the bleak economic outlook. If Craig does not find a job in 40 days, there is a possibility that he will lose his house and car. Craig calls you and says, “I’m going out of my mind with worry. Can you help?” What are some immedi- ate areas to address, and what are some relevant passages to share?

Example 3: Tina is 17 and grew up in a Christian home. She has been a believer since 9 and has been active in the youth group. Recently, she started dating a guy that her parents do not like and told her not to date. She continued seeing the guy and just discovered that she’s pregnant. She thinks her life is over. She has no idea how to talk to her parents, and she has no idea what the future holds. She’s upset and coming to you for help. What are some immediate areas to address, and what are some relevant passages to share?

22 Notes: Example 4: A recent story or encounter in your life. Please do not use any names or identifying details.

Example 5: A recent story or encounter in your life. Please do not use any names or identifying details.

23 Notes: Session 3: Basic Counseling Skills

We are covering a number of issues that are relevant in any counseling situation. These items are not specific to biblical counseling, but they can be beneficial in structuring con- versations, establishing healthy counseling relationships, and moving conversations towards intended goals. Counseling in many ways in an art form. When counseling is hitting on all cylinders, it has a fantastic flow and benefit. When you find yourself hitting barrier after barrier, it would be helpful to re- view the material listed in this section.

. Learn To ______Before You ______

Listening is vital to counseling. If you are talking more than 25 percent of the time, you’re probably talking too much. There is a time for advising and exhorting, but how will you know what to say unless you’ve listened first? Listening means that you’re not just gathering information, but you’re also trying to understand the feelings of the other person.

Your counselee needs to sense that you’re in sync with him or her. Listen with your eyes to what he or she can’t put into words. As you are listening, try not to formulate responses, but concentrate on what is being said. Also, be conscious of the posture you are using while listening.

Every message has three parts:

(1) The actual ______

(2) The ______of voice

(3) The non-verbal ______

Pay close attention to all three.

Also, be aware of the “buts” in the conversation. People live after the “but.” What a person says before the “but” is import- ant; what you hear after the “but” is what they really believe.

Example: “Alicia is a really nice lady. She’s friendly and help- ful, but…”

. But she can be extremely vindictive. . But she doesn’t always speak with kindness. . But she seems manipulative at times.

24 Notes: Everyone tends to live after the “but.” In Christian circles, this is important in what we say about God. The real belief system is made apparent in the speech.

. “Well, I know God loves me, but it doesn’t seem like it. Everything is falling apart.” . “I know Christ is sufficient, but I don’t really have what I need.” . “I know God promises that He will never leave me, but I certainly feel alone at this time.”

When a person speaks in this way, the only thing that will change their perception is a change in circumstances. If that doesn’t happen, they’re in trouble. Satan doesn’t care how much God-talk we use, as long as we put it before the “but.”

The key is not to deny the negative or real issues you face. We are to help the person move their language and their outlook into faith.

. “I feel incredibly weak, but God is my strength.” . “I’m experiencing a lot of sorrow, but God is my peace.” . “I feel torn by this temptation, but Christ is my sufficiency.”

To operate in the realm of faith, we need to put the stuff first and God’s truth last.

Biblical Examples:

. Christ in the Garden of Gethsemane (Mark 14:36) . David in Psalm 13 . Paul in 2 Corinthians 4:7-9

When you do have an opportunity to speak, there are several concepts to keep in mind.

. Speak your counselee’s ______.

This principle does not mean using slang, abandoning good grammar, or trying to be someone you’re not. It means you try to discover whether the person is visual, auditory, or kinesthet- ically (feeling) oriented.

. Be careful not to ______a person’s response.

Introverts need to think awhile before they speak. If the coun- selor is an extrovert, they tend to ask a question, and if they don’t hear a response in a second or two, they either ask it again or they answer it themselves. Adapt to your counselee. Let him or her answer at their own pace and with their own style. Do not rush the counselee in order to fill the silence.

25 Notes:

. Be careful of what you ______.

Sometimes the greatest healing is not in what you say, but how you listen. If you are unsure of what to say, it is better to remain silent than share in inappropriate ways.

Inappropriate elements of counseling:

Passivity Counselor dominance Self-disclosure Interrogation False assurance Judgment Pressure tactics Inappropriate confrontation

It is better to say nothing than say the wrong thing. False as- surances, Christian clichés, and unsound counseling can hurt the healing process. Take time to sufficiently listen, ask more questions if needed, and be honest with the other person. If you don’t know what to say—BE HONEST!

It could be helpful to let the person know that you will re- search their question and give them an answer at the next appointment.

. The Importance of ______

Boundaries are important whether you are sharing with a friend or counseling as a profession. The counseling world is filled with tragic stories of people who either did not establish boundaries or those who failed to enforce those boundaries. While you may not agree with all the boundaries I’ve listed, I do want you to wrestle with the concepts.

Boundaries do several things:

1. They ______the counselor and the counselee.

2. They establish a healthy ______for sharing.

3. They ______the risk of attachment.

Types of boundaries to consider:

1. ______you will counsel (i.e. men with women, women with men, couples, etc.) Beware of counseling the opposite sex.

2. ______you will counsel (i.e. coffee houses, office, home, public setting, etc.) Beware of counsel- ing in closed areas.

26 Notes:

3. ______you will counsel (i.e. sexually related concerns, marriage concerns, depression, anxiety, etc.) Beware of counseling areas of personal struggle.

4. ______you will counsel (i.e. transparent, per- sonal stories, reserved, etc.) Beware of sharing too much personal information.

5. ______you will counsel (i.e. symptoms of fa- tigue, once or twice a month, weekly, breaks, etc.) Be- ware of counseling when you’re tired.

6. Who holds you ______? (While you should not share the information provided in a counseling session, it is important that others know who you are talking to, where you are meeting, when you are meeting, and if anything inappropriate happens.) (You need to make clear with the counselee at the beginning of the sessions.)

. Recognize ______(Resistance)

Diversions refer to the way people try to change the subject or deflect attention at critical points in counseling. There are two ways that people divert attention or resist counseling: ______and ______.

Overt resistance is when someone simply refuses to do what is required. If a person is asked to commit themselves to their marriage, and they refuse—that is overt resistance.

The most frequent kind of resistance is covert. This resistance takes place when the counselee seems willing to do the work, but the goals are never reached. Some examples of covert resistance would be:

1. ______: The person frequently cancels appointments, but then assures you that these “conver- sations” are helping.

2. ______to do homework: There always needs to be something that the person is working on when they are not talking to you. This work is a part of taking responsibility for their lives and making an investment in their healing. It might be passages to think about, books to read, people to talk to, disciplines to start, journal en- tries to write, etc. If there is a pattern of failing to do homework, it can be a way of avoiding the issues.

27 Notes: 3. ______: The counselee keeps the counsel- or at arm’s length. When asked about their life, they might be unwilling to give details. When asked to ex- plain their actions, they might get defensive or short in their reply. This is another way of keeping the counsel- or from getting too close to the problem areas.

4. ______: These are not usually in the form of an attack against you, but they are veiled threats when addressing uncomfortable areas. A counselee might say, “If you are not careful, I might not come back.” Or it might be more threatening in tone. “There’s no telling what I’ll do if I get really mad.” The statements are attempts to warn the counselor that they are getting too close for comfort.

5. ______: There are various ways to manip- ulate a counseling session. The person may cry when questions are uncomfortable, flatter the counselor for all their “wisdom,” or pull the relational card of “You don’t need to ask that—you know me.” The forms of manipulation are almost endless. They might share sto- ries designed to elicit sympathy, give irrelevant argu- ments, repeat themselves for no apparent reason, or provide trivial occurrences instead of main concerns. Whatever the tactic used, these are attempts to side- track the discussion.

Regardless of the type of diversion tactic or resistance ploy being used, the counselor must stay the course. You must be the one leading the conversation and taking it towards the desired goals. While these tactics will be used by hurting peo- ple, the objective is to listen, assess, and direct the conversa- tion back to important issues.

. Write Out ______

A dull pencil is better than a sharp mind!

Any time you enter a conversation that has the potential to move towards counseling—take notes. Notes help you re- member what was said through the duration of counseling. These notes also provide the information needed for assess- ing the counseling direction outside of the session.

Thoughts on keeping notes:

1. Keeping notes and files provide a measure of ______for you.

2. Referring to your notes (while in counseling) and giving direct quotes is a way of telling the other person that you are listening to what they are saying.

28 Notes:

3. You will need the notes in order to discern ______in their answers or actions.

4. Jot down the date, time of the conversation, length of the conversation, general mood of the person, mannerisms, or other items that might be pertinent to counseling.

5. Keep all notes and conversations ______.

. Look For ______

After the session, look over the notes for repeated phrases, patterns, actions, attitudes, or symptoms. Your objective is to move past what is said to what is important. The reason a person is coming to you is because they are facing a prob- lem that they cannot seem to work through alone. The very nature of the situation dictates that repeated patterns will emerge.

I’ve included notes of a mock counseling session. Let’s read the notes and pinpoint the patterns.

Jan, tell me what’s on your heart. We spoke on the phone and you said you were struggling. What’s going on?

. I’m anxious and depressed. I don’t know why. Most of the time, I feel great, but recently—I’m depressed. . I’ve tried praying, I’ve tried going to church, but noth- ing seems to help. . I went to the doctor and they gave me some medi- cine for depression. Instead of helping, it makes me feel lifeless. I don’t feel as depressed on the medicine, but I also don’t feel anything. It’s like life is happening around me, and I’m left out. . Even at work the other day, the group was having a party, but I wasn’t invited. Normally, that wouldn’t bother me, but now it does. That might sound petty, but I’m just trying to be honest. . I live alone. I eat alone. I go to the movies alone. . I guess I’m lonely and I feel like no one cares.

I appreciate your honesty. When did you first recognize that you were becoming depressed and anxious?

. About 2 months ago. . It was right after my cat died. Or was that the week before? Not sure, but it was around that time.

29 Notes: What was going on at that time in your life?

. My best friend (Sue) moved to Detroit. . Sue was a great confidant and a wonderful friend. We both enjoyed photography, cats, and going out to eat. . I don’t know how I’m going to make it without her. . Why did she have to leave?

Have you ever struggled with these feelings prior to two months ago?

. Yes. . A couple of years ago, my pastor took a job at anoth- er church. We had grown close over the years, and I was able to share a lot of my struggles with him. I was depressed for probably 6 months after he left. I guess that’s normal—a lot of people were depressed when he left. I still don’t understand why he had to leave. . There was also another time about 5 years ago. . My parents got divorced and they said a lot of hurtful things to each other. My dad lives in St. Louis and my mom is still in Dallas. I always thought they were go- ing to work things out. I can remember my mom and I renting movies and just spending time together. We have a great relationship.

You told me over the phone that you were a Christian. De- scribe your relationship with God.

. That’s difficult. . It’s off and on. There are times when I feel really close and then there are times when I don’t think God is anywhere. . Recently, it’s been hard just going to church. I know I need to go, but God seems distant. . It’s like He doesn’t listen to my prayers. I remember this time when I took a discipleship class, and I learned a lot of great things. I learned about God’s plan for the Temple, His reason for the sacrifices, and some of the writings in the Bible. It was great. I can remember…

Let’s hold that thought for just a moment. Before we get too far away from the original question let me ask another. What does your daily time with God look like?

. I pray each night before going to bed. Does that count? . I try to read my Bible, but it’s hard. I don’t understand anything. . Usually, I’ll just listen to some Christian music or paint. Both of those seem to relax me.

30 Notes: Tell me about other relationships in your life. Are you married, divorced, or single? Do you have siblings or extended family? Who are your friends?

. I’m divorced. My husband left after 2 years. Did I tell you about that? Yeah—that one put me into a bout of depression for months. Forgot that one. . I do have siblings. One brother and two sisters. I’m the youngest by about 8 years. Never really connected growing up. They were doing their thing, and I was al- ways too young to join them. We have an okay rela- tionship now, but they definitely don’t call much. I’m sure they have a good reason, but I sometimes think they’re too busy. . Friends: I really only have 2. One just moved to Detroit (that’s Sue), and the other is more of an acquain- tance. We do some things together at the church, but we really don’t hang out like I want to.

What are your goals in life? Do you have anything your pas- sionate about?

. I really don’t have goals. I was never really good in school and didn’t fit in. My dad would tell me that he was proud of me, but I couldn’t help but feel that he was really disappointed in me. I never found anything that I really liked. . It’s going to sound weird, but my goal is to be happy. I don’t need much; I just need to be happy.

Jan has come to you because she is anxious and depressed. She’s tried to take care of things on her own, but nothing seems to help. Before you start prescribing a course of action, what are the patterns that you see in Jan’s life?

31 Notes: . Healthy ______

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but we need to be painfully honest in this area. Hurting people do not always speak the truth. Pain, emotions, stress, perspective, and in- tentional deception all skew the truth. While you want to re- cord everything that is said, it is helpful to reserve judgment, comments, and plans of action until hearing more.

It is amazing how convincing a person might sound before you discover the rest of the story. This problem is a regular part of marital counseling. The first one to share their side of the story almost always sounds legit. However, when the oth- er party speaks, you can usually begin to pick up discrepan- cies in truth.

Listen, record, ask questions, and pray.

. Act in ______

Listening to another person share their problems can be dif- ficult at times. Honestly, there will be times when you want to slap someone for what they are doing. There are times when your jaw will drop on the floor with what goes on behind close doors. The position of the Christian and the counselor is to act in grace.

If grace is God doing in, and through, and for us what we cannot do for ourselves—how does the believer act in grace?

. We pray that God would live His love through us. . We pray that God will do in them what they cannot do and what we cannot do. . We give people what they need (not necessarily what they want). Sometimes, acting in grace is confront- ing sin that they are unwilling to address. Sometimes, acting in grace is calling someone out on an attitude that’s destroying their relationships. . Grace does not need to be passive to be acceptable. Grace is extending what a person needs, but does not have the ability to acquire.

32 Session 4: Finding the Source Notes:

In some ways, counseling is similar to being an E.R. doctor working in triage. When a person arrives in the emergency room, the doctor needs to quickly diagnose the problems and treat the most critical issues first.

The doctor may see a man brought in from a car accident. The individual is covered in blood from head to toe, cuts and abrasions are everywhere, and he’s unconscious. Family is showing up at the hospital looking for answers. Eyewitnesses to the accident try to help. The scene becomes chaotic. On top of the obvious injuries, the doctor deals with people shar- ing excessive information, inaccurate information, or emo- tionally skewed information.

The man’s life is on the line. The doctor needs to diagnose the situation and treat the most critical injuries first. If that doesn’t happen, the doctor might spend valuable time bandaging a minor wound while the person bleeds to death internally.

Finding the source is critical for triage.

In counseling, the timeline is not quite as short, but the ob- jective is just as important. The scene might look closer to this scenario.

Someone calls at 9:30 p.m. and says, “My life is messed up. My marriage is falling apart, our finances are ruined, my 16 year old is getting into trouble at school, and I can’t seem to come out of depression. My doctor tells me that I need anti-depressants, but I’m against taking medicine. I believe in God and I’m trying to do my best, but I don’t think God answers my prayers. The other day, I thought about suicide for the first time. I’m desperate and a friend said I needed to talk to you. Can you help me?”

Where do you begin?

As conversation continues, you learn a few more things. Half of what they say doesn’t help you. Part of what they say is so emotionally skewed that you don’t know what to believe. You know they have problems, but the shear magnitude of the issues is overwhelming.

What is the most critical issue the person is facing, and how do you address it at the source? If we’re not careful, we can bandage a surface complaint while the person is bleeding to death spiritually or emotionally.

Finding the source is critical for counseling.

While it might seem overwhelming, there are several rules and concepts that will help you locate the source. 33 Notes: Moving Past Symptoms To Source

Every counseling situation begins with some type of problem. The person might not be able to identify the problem or they might think they have a different problem—but rest assured, there’s a problem. If there were no problem, they would not come for help!

The job of the counselor is to understand the problem, recog- nize the symptoms, discover the source, and show how God’s Word addresses the problem at the source.

While a lot of this work is accomplished by listening and taking notes, there’s a time when you need to gather the informa- tion and do something with it. What you do determines if you help!

What is a problem?

The dictionary defines a problem as: 1. a difficult situation, matter, or person; 2. A question or puzzle that needs to be solved.

• A problem is a difficult situation that needs to be addressed.

• The real problem might change at some point in ______.

• The problem is connected to what the person inherently ______but might not be able to express.

• Many problems are unearthed by ______. (i.e. What is the purpose in life? Why am I here? Is there an afterlife? Will God ever forgive me?)

• You cannot treat the problem if you do not know the ______.

What is a symptom?

The dictionary defines a symptom as: 1. An indication of some disease or other disorder, especially one experienced by a patient; for example, pain, dizziness, or itching. 2. A sign or in- dication of the existence of something, especially something undesirable.

• A symptom is a ______of the problem—it’s not the problem.

• A symptom helps you ______the problem—it’s not the problem.

• A symptom ______there is a problem—it’s not the problem.

• A symptom may be undesirable or ______—it’s not the problem. 34 Notes: There is a difference between something be a problem and the problem. Symptoms can be problematic, but they are not the biggest issue the person faces.

What is the source?

The dictionary defines a source as: 1. The place where some- thing begins; 2. The thing from which something is derived.

• The source is the ______of the symptom, but not the same as the problem.

• The source may look ______or irrelevant, but it feeds the problem.

Illustration: Let’s put all of these terms in a simple illustration. A person walks out the front door of their house and run into a spider web. The first instinct is to tear the web down. Two days later, the web has reappeared. They tear it down a second time. Two days later, it reappears. They tear it down again. The cycle repeats. This person has one of four choices:

1. ______with the spider web.

2. Continue to tear down the ______.

3. Kill the ______.

4. ______.

Let’s move these ideas into a counseling model. Living with the spider web or moving would be avoiding/ignoring the problem; from a health perspective, that is not an option! If the counselor focuses on tearing down the webs, they will counsel the person forever. As long as the spider is alive, the webs will reappear.

Spider Web Example: The problem is something blocking your door and getting on your face.

The symptom is the web on your face.

The source is the spider.

ER Example: The problem is the inability to breath. The symptom is a blue face. The source is a piece of candy in the windpipe.

35 Notes: Counseling Example: The problem is no hope in life.

The symptom is destructive behavior.

The source is sin and separation from God.

Counseling Example 2: The problem is spending more than you make.

The symptom is debt, unpaid bills, and harassing calls.

The source is discontentment.

Simple Definitions: • The problem is what needs to ______.

• The symptom ______the problem.

• The source is the ______of the problem.

How do we learn to recognize the symptoms and source quickly? Ask these types of questions:

• Am I dealing with a manifestation of sin or the ______of sin?

 The manifestations of sin are usually easy to spot: (i.e. ly- ing, stealing, addiction, and infidelity)

 The source of sin is usually under the surface: (i.e. pride, lack of intimacy with Christ, selfishness, bitterness)

• Why are you involved in this activity, or what ______you to continue this habit?

 An alcoholic asks, “How can I stop drinking?”

 The counselor asks, “Why do you feel the need to drink?”

• What are the actions and what are the ______factors?

Practical Examples: (Identify each as the problem, the symptom, or the source. There may be more than one answer for each.)

Alcoholism (Pr. Sy. So) Anxiety (Pr. Sy. So.) No purpose (Pr. Sy. So) Marital Issues (Pr. Sy. So.) Anger (Pr. Sy. So.) Pride (Pr. Sy. So.) Debt (Pr. Sy. So.) Addiction (Pr. Sy. So.) Bitterness (Pr. Sy. So.) Lying (Pr. Sy. So.) Jealousy (Pr. Sy. So.) Loneliness (Pr. Sy. So.)

36 ______Development Versus ______Management Notes:

The more comfortable you become with discovering the problem, the symptom, and the source—the more you will be prepared for counseling that brings about real change.

The goal of biblical counseling is to help a person become properly related to God so that God brings about complete healing in their life. When the goal is reached, character de- velopment takes place. Your job is not to develop their char- acter. Your job is to help them become rightly related to God, and He will develop their character.

Sin management is when the goal is to suppress the sin, or cope with the sin, or control the sin. In the short term, sin man- agement is much easier. In the long term, character develop- ment is the only thing that works.

If the character is not changed, the person might suppress one form of sin, only to have sin pop up in another area. For example, a sex addict might suppress the urge for illicit sex. This tactic might seem to be working in the short run. Howev- er, 2 months later, they find themselves battling a newly ac- quired gambling addiction. Can you really say, “This person is healed if they only swapped poisons?”

Sin is never suppressed. You might be able to put boundaries on it in one area, but you will never be able to keep it under control.

• Sin will ______you further than you want to go.

• Sin will ______you longer than you want to stay.

• Sin will ______you more than you are willing to pay.

If counseling does not deal with the source, it will not lead towards healing.

Common methods of sin management are: avoidance, ac- countability, Bible reading, going to church, support groups, stopping bad habits, starting good habits, checklists, and per- sonal statements.

None of the pieces are bad. All of the pieces above have a place in counseling. The question is whether you are teach- ing that these have magical powers to bring about transfor- mation. Character development is the result of the Holy Spir- it’s work in a person’s life.

37 Notes: Example:

1. A man goes to a counselor with a pornography addiction. The counselor says, “Start reading your Bible, go to church, and stay away from pornography. God will honor what you do, and the feelings will subside over time.” Is this sin management or character development?

2. The same man goes to a biblical counselor with a pornog- raphy addiction. The counselor says, “There’s no easy or quick way to address this addiction. At the core of almost every addiction is the sin of pride or selfishness. While you do need to avoid areas where pornography is found—avoid- ance alone is not the answer to your problems. The only solution is to develop an intimate relationship with Christ. As you abide in Him, Christ will live through you. Make your focus to know God—not to stop the addiction.

In order to know God, I want you to spend time each day, going over John 15. By the way, I also want to see you on Sunday. You need the fellowship and accountability that comes with being in the Body of Christ. This is going to take a while, but let’s keep your focus on the main thing. God loves you and has a great plan for your life. Your only job is to get to know Him.” Is this sin management or character development?

Both examples use some of the same pieces in counseling. Both counselors encourage the person to read their Bible, go to church, and stay away from pornography. The difference is where they place the emphasis of healing. The first coun- selor suggests that healing is the result of doing the right things for the right amount of time. The second counselor says that healing is the result of God’s work in you as you pursue Him.

Simplifying the ______

Someone might come to you with a list of 50 problems. While it seems overwhelming, the list of what to do can be short- ened extremely quickly.

1. Can any or all of these problems be explained by a physical illness, ______imbalance, or some oth- er ______problem? If the answer is “Yes” or “Not Sure”—it’s always advisable to have the person go to their primary physician for help.

2. Categorize the problems under ______. If someone says, “I have a problem with drug addiction. Sometimes I do it to blow off steam. I know it affects my family, but I can’t hold everything up. I know it is destroying my health, but I can’t stop. I know it hurts my job performance, but

38 Notes: I can’t do anything. I find myself struggling more after be- ing disappointed.” What could all of this be filed under? ______.

3. When facing the following problems, there are several key places to look.

a. Marriage ______: (Intimacy with God, Commu- nication, Finances, Roles in Marriage, Respect for Men, Security for Women, Selfishness)

b. ______ Problems: (Intimacy with God, Pride, Self- ishness, Lack of Purpose, Lack of Discipline, Lack of Ac- countability)

c. Anxiety or Depression: (Intimacy with God, Trusting God, Fear, Control Issues, Lack of Purpose, Lack of Relation- ships, Desire to Be Needed)

d. No ______: (Intimacy with God, Fear, Pride, Disci- pleship, Fellowship, Serving)

e. Lack of ______: (Intimacy with God, Pride, Selfish- ness, Jealousy, Bitterness, Entitlement)

f. Sins of the ______: (Intimacy with God, Pride, Selfish- ness, Bitterness, Deception, Poor Self Image, Critical Spirit)

g. ______: (Intimacy with God, Humility, Holiness, God’s Perfection)

h. ______: (Intimacy with God, Serving Others, Giv- ing, Loving Others)

While these categories are not intended to list every problem or give an exhaustive list of areas to look, it will help simplify the complicated from time to time.

39 Notes: Session 5: The Christ Life

The Christ-life is not a portion of biblical counseling; the Christ- life is the essence of biblical counseling. If we do not under- stand the significance of the Christ-life, we are left with lit- tle more than a list of activities, admonitions, and on-going accountability. Everything in this section comes back to one underlying premise:

Humanity ______when we live out our created ______.

Due to the importance of the Christ-life in the realm of coun- seling, we will devote a significant amount of time to devel- oping the concept.

The Big Picture of the Bible: The basic starting point for the Christ-life discussions is ground- ed in the storyline of the Bible. There are three premises that I’m asserting.

1. Christ’s life, message, and purpose are not side issues dis- connected from the whole of Scripture, but they are inten- tional parts of God’s epic story through the ages. 2. If Christ’s life, message, and purpose are intentional parts of God’s big story, then the discussions of the Christ-life are not fully understood apart from understanding the general flow of Scripture. 3. Finally, the overall story of the Bible leads towards relation- ship with God.

We begin by asking a more philosophical question that al- ready tends to linger in the recesses of human thought. Why was humanity created?

A basic tenant of the Christian faith is that God created ev- erything. He created the world, the universe, the animals, plant life, and humanity. Creation and the Christ-life are con- nected together by purpose and design. What was God’s created purpose and design for humanity?

The closest comparison that humanity has to creation is in- vention. Inventors design for a purpose. There is a specific goal or objective in mind. God created for a purpose. There was an objective in mind prior to creation.

God’s speaks of creating for His delight and His enjoyment. “God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good.”1 “Then I was beside Him, as a master workman; and I was daily His delight, rejoicing always before Him, rejoicing

1 Genesis 1:31.

40 Notes: in the world, His earth, and having my delight in the sons of men.”2 The entirety of Psalm 104 is dedicated to God’s delight and enjoyment with creation. However, it is not until a person looks specifically at God’s design for humanity that His pur- pose for humanity becomes clear.

In the Garden of Eden, the Bible indicates that Adam and Eve were created with the privilege of enjoying relationship with God. Scripture says, “Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the filed and every bird of the sky, and brought them to man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name.”3 This pas- sage shows a type of partnership between God and Adam. Clearly communication took place because Adam knew what to do when the animals were brought to him.

Scripture says, “They heard the sound of the Lord God walk- ing in the garden in the cool of the day…Then God called to the man, and said to him, ‘Where are you?’”4 Adam and Eve knew God was present and they heard God calling for them. The story of the garden speaks of conversations, encounters, and cooperation between God and humanity. There was no sin. There was no division. There was no barrier between God and humanity. There was relationship. The Creator was at peace with His creation.

When sin enters the garden, separation defines the relation- ship. God told Adam that he was free to eat of any tree in the garden except the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.5 In Genesis 3, the Bible records the entrance of the serpent, the deception of the serpent, and the sin of Adam and Eve. From that point moving forward, there is a clear shift in the relationship. God still interacts with humanity, but always from a distance.

The Old Testament speaks of God being “among” His peo- ple.6 His presence was seen in the Shekinah, but He set strict boundaries as to who could come before Him and how close they could get. Some of these boundaries are seen in the priestly system, the six hundred and thirteen laws of the Old Testament, the Temple structure, and even the warnings He issued about His presence on the mountains. God’s love for humanity never changed. However, God’s interaction with humanity changed because of sin.

The beginning of the New Testament shows God closing the gap in the relationship. The angel announced that “the virgin shall be with child and shall bear a Son and they shall call His

2 Proverbs 8:30-31. 3 Genesis 1:19. 4 Genesis 2:8-9. 5 Genesis 2:16-17. 6 Exodus 17:7, Numbers 14:14, Joshua 3:10, 2 Kings 4:13.

41 Notes: name Immanuel, which translated means, ‘God with us.’”7 When Jesus was born, God was no longer just “among” His people; He was “with” His people. Jesus was not hovering on the mountain; He was interacting with His creation. Jesus was not separated in the Holy of Holies; He was with the people. The separation between God and humanity had taken a dy- namic shift. Through the initiative of God, a major step was made towards reconciling the relationship.

As we study the teachings of the New Testament, there is clar- ity in the purpose of Christ. The life and ministry of Christ was specifically intended to reconcile humanity to God for the purpose of restoring this relationship. “For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.”8 “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”9 His sinless life, painful death, and subsequent burial were a part of God’s redemptive plan. When Christ rose from the dead and ascended back to heaven, it all had a purpose. The purpose was to provide a means whereby hu- manity could once again enjoy a relationship with God.

The final shift in God’s relational plan is seen in the entrance of the Holy Spirit. Jesus made it clear that He was going to return to the Father.10 In some ways it might seem like the relation- al dynamics were shifting backwards from with us to among us. However, Jesus assured His followers that His departure did not signify a greater separation in the relationship, but rather a closer union in a permanent way. “I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you for- ever; that is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it does not see Him or know Him, but you know Him because He abides with you and will be in you.”11 The emphasis of the statement is found in the closing remark. The Holy Spirit will not only be with the believer but in the believer.

At this point, the relational circle is complete. It began in the Garden with relationship with God that ended in separation because of sin. As God graciously pursued His creation, the Bible speaks of God among His people. At the birth of Christ, the relational gap narrows as God becomes flesh and dwells with His people. Finally, through the arrival and ministry of the Holy Spirit, God is in His people. The finished work of Christ and the abiding presence of God’s Spirit both affirm that we will never be separated from God again. “For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor

7 Matthew 1:23. 8 John 3:17. 9 Romans 5:8. 10 John 14:1-6. 11 John 14:16-17.

42 Notes: depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39).

The storyline of the Bible is about relationship. Humanity was created for a relationship with God. God’s purpose for human- ity was never to exist within a religious system built on laws and compulsory service. God’s design was not to bind us with bur- dens, but to free us to enjoy intimacy with God.12 The Law was the tutor that led people to Christ so that they might enjoy this relationship with God.13 The more a believer understands the centrality of relationship, the more that individual sees the path to freedom and hope.

Discussion:

• How does the big picture of the Bible direct our counseling efforts?

What is Eternal Life?

It is impossible to fully understand the Christ-life apart from un- derstanding the gift of eternal life. The definitive passage on the subject says, “This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.”14 The preceding passage does not get the attention of John 3:16 or other famous “eternal life” passages, but it is crucial to a bib- lical understanding of the offer of God.

Think of the verse like a key used to decipher a code. If some- one were to say, “The way to become rich is to use the box. The box is not hard to use, and it is available to everyone. Mil- lions of people who have used the box will testify of its ability to bring wealth. If you have the box, it’s guaranteed you will become rich.” The first question most people would have is, “What is the box?” Telling of the box’s ability to make people rich and its availability to everyone does not explain the box. In order to understand the significance of John 17:3, it is helpful to think of the “box” and eternal life in the same way.

Jesus wasn’t trying to sell “the box,” but He did speak passion- ately and regularly, about “eternal life.” He said, “Whoever believes in Him will have eternal life.”15 “For this is the will of My Father, that everyone who beholds the Son and believes in Him will have eternal life…”16 “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.”17 When talking with the woman at the well, Jesus said, “The water that I will give him

12 John 8:32, 36; 17:3; Galatians 5:1. 13 Galatians 3:24-25. 14 John 17:3. 15 John 3:15. 16 John 6:40. 17 John 3:16.

43 18 Notes: will become…a well of water springing up to eternal life.” Everywhere Jesus went, He spoke of eternal life. He brought it up in parables, spoke of it sermons, taught it to the disciples, and prayed it back to the Father. Over time, people began to take note.

Curiosity grew in the crowds. A lawyer came to Jesus and said, “Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?”19 In- stead of giving a direct answer, Jesus answered Him with a question. They enter a dialogue where Jesus shares about eternal life, but He never defines eternal life.

A second person came to Jesus with the same question. “Good Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?”20 Again, Jesus does not directly answer. Instead, He says, “Why do you call me good?” It is almost like Jesus is keeping the idea a secret on purpose. At one point, it seems like Jesus is playing games with the people. He says, “You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; but it is these that testify about Me.”21

Jesus knew that people were trying to understand the con- cept. He knew that people were trying to find eternal life through the Scriptures. He knew that people were coming di- rectly to Him and asking how to obtain eternal life. Yet, Jesus chose not to define it!

It is not until John 17:3 that Jesus finally defines the great gift from God. What is eternal life? “This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent.”

This verse is like the Rosetta Stone of God’s activity. It is one passage that unlocks dozens of surrounding texts. Each pas- sage that speaks of eternal life can now be seen in its true context. Eternal life is to ______God.

The previous section stated that the storyline of the Bible is about relationship. God actively pursued humanity through the corridors of history and makes a way for relationship to be possible. At this point, the gift of God that Jesus constantly referred to is also tied to the relationship.

• The reason Christ set aside the glory of heaven and came to earth is that humanity may know God. (That’s relationship!) • The purpose of Christ’s trial, His beatings, and His death on the cross was that humanity might know God. (That’s relationship!) • God’s offer to humanity in Romans 6:23 is the free gift of knowing Him. (That’s relationship!)

18 John 4:14. 19 Luke 10:25. 20 Luke 18:18. 21 John 5:39.

44 Notes: Many Christians have never made the connection between the storyline of the Bible and the gift of eternal life. Eternal life is viewed from the perspective of words and not as a descrip- tion of a greater concept. The word “eternal” is forever, and “life” is to live. Therefore, many assume that eternal life is to live forever. God’s gift is misunderstood and eternal life is con- sidered to be to living forever with Christ in heaven. God’s gift is not heaven; God’s gift is a relationship. Heaven is a benefit of knowing God—not the main gift.

When people understand that the gift of God is not going to heaven when they die—it changes everything.

• It changes the way people read their Bible. The Bible is not just a collection of good stories; it’s a way to know God. • It changes the way people view the Christian life. Jesus did not die to hand off a list of do’s and don’ts to His followers. • It changes the way people view religion. God’s grand plan was never religion but relationship. • When Jesus came out of the tomb, His driving passion was not that His people build buildings, form committees, start programs, hold weekly services, and give money to the poor. When Christ rose from the dead, there was only one thing on His mind—eternal life.

Understanding eternal life as God defines eternal life is import- ant. The tragic reality is that millions of self-professing Chris- tians have religion but not relationship. The discrepancy is ap- parent when the terms are closely examined. “This is eternal life, that they may know you…” The phrase “may know” is in the present active subjunctive tense meaning “should keep on knowing.” The idea is not that a person makes God’s ac- quaintance, but that the individual keeps on knowing God in deeper levels relationship.

If Christians do not understand the offer of eternal life, they will pursue religion and miss God. They add rules, not rela- tionship. They learn about God, and miss knowing Him. The foundational truth for understanding the Christ-life is a solid understanding of eternal life.

Discussion:

• If humanity was created for relationship, and God’s story is about relationship, and God’s gift through Christ is relation- ship—where do you think counseling should begin?

• How does a better understanding of eternal life help the counselor and the counselee?

45 Notes: Two Goals in Life:

At this point, we’ve seen that the storyline of the Bible is about relationship, and the gift of eternal life is to know God. The overall plot and gift are in place. At this point, we need to take another step and see how these truths become rele- vant to our lives.

If God’s ultimate gift is to know Him, then our ultimate pursuit should be embracing that gift. How rude would it be for God to pursue humanity throughout history, die on the cross to make relationship possible, and then we choose to embrace a lesser gift?

While God has provided many ways for us to get to know Him, we must be careful to fully understand the goal. The ulti- mate goal in life is to know God.

• The goal is not to know about God. • The goal is not to dissect the character and attributes of God. • The goal is not to be a biblical scholar. • The goal is not to check “quiet time” off of your to-do list. • The goal is not to see how many days in a row you can do a quiet time. • The goal is not to go through the motions because you “need to.” • The goal is not to discover biblical insights into the problems of our lives. • The goal is not to be able to journal something new every day. • The goal is not to become consistent in a quiet time. • The goal is to know Him.

Understanding the goal does not mean that we will not learn about God, emphasize His character, and consistently grow as a student of the Word. The issue is where we place the emphasis.

If knowing God is not consistently shared and remembered, then a person can spend their entire lives learning about God, doing spiritual things, but never really get to know Him.

For most people, we have to be trained to view Christiani- ty from a different perspective. Due the educational style of our culture, we think in terms of systems, structure, and schol- arship. We are trained to absorb information and dispense facts. Even when a person is encouraged to think critically, it’s for the sake of dissecting problems or facts in order to dis- cover insight into the subject.

46 Notes: How do you dissect relationship?

Example: Imagine a young couple at the beginning stages of a dating relationship. Their desire is to get to know the other person and find out if there can be a future together. One route would be to list all of your questions, plans, and criteria. The couple could sit down in one evening, go through the list, and see if they are compatible.

Another route would be to spend time together. Grab a mov- ie! Take a walk! Talk on the phone! Have dinner and discuss your dreams for the future. It is in the process of being togeth- er that affinity grows or weakens. As the couple talks over din- ner, they pick up on the nuances of body language, personal quirks, thinking processes, general demeanor, treatment of others, and basic outlook on life. The more time you spend with the person—the more you get to know them.

There’s really only one primary way to get to know someone. We must spend time with that person.

While you can know about someone from a biography, you cannot get to know a person solely in written form. There is something unique about spending time with an individual that really allows you to get to know them. While there are glimpses in written form—there is clarity in person.

The same concept is true of getting to know God. It is impos- sible to really know Him, if we do not spend time with Him. When I speak of spending time with God, I’m not just referring to reading the Bible and praying. Sometimes we read the Bi- ble to gain insight in our day. Sometimes our entire prayer life is focused on getting things from God. Neither example qual- ifies as spending time with God.

I did an experiment with my girls when they were 4 and 5. In the evenings, we would watch TV before bed. I noticed that my daughters would naturally gravitate to where I was sitting. They would never say anything. They would simply walk over, climb up next to me, and start watching TV from my side. Oc- casionally, I would get up, move to another seat, and monitor their response. In such an unassuming way, they would quiet- ly, get down from their seat, walk over to where I was, climb up, and start watching TV again.

I was overwhelmed with their desire to simply be with me. They were not asking me for anything. They did not need any- thing. They were not even talking. They just wanted to be next to their dad.

47 Notes:

When I saw the way they came to me, I was convicted of the way I came to God. Instead of coming to be with Him, I was always coming to get something from Him. I always had a question. I always had an agenda. I always had a problem that I needed Him to solve. It’s not that God does not want us to bring our concerns before Him, but we must be careful that we do not get to a place where we come for what we can get and not for who we are with.

1. The ultimate goal in life is to ______God. This is eter- nal life and God’s gift to those who will repent of their sins and place their faith in Christ. The only way we get to know God is by spending time with Him. We are not being driven by a need to get something from God, but we are driven by a desire to simply be with Him and allow Him to change us.

2. The daily goal in life is to spend ______with God. If a Christian will keep these truths at the forefront of their mind, they will be well on the way to understanding the Christ-life.

Abiding in Christ:

When eternal life is taught from a biblical perspective, it will be accompanied by the concept of abiding in Christ. The very essence of the “Christ-life” depends upon a Christian’s adher- ence to Christ’s call for abiding. Jesus says, “Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me.”22 The word “abide” is mentioned ten times in eleven verses. By shear volume alone, it demands careful examination.

What does it mean to abide in Christ? “Abiding in Christ means that we live in fellowship with Christ, depending upon Christ, and trusting that He will live His purposes through us.”

Christianity tends to be taught in two primary ways. One way is to teach that it is the responsibility of the Christian to live for God and do the right things. The other way is to teach that it is the responsibility of the Christian to allow God to live through them and accomplish all He desires. It is the second path that characterizes the Christ-life and necessitates the position of abiding. Jesus says, “Apart from Me, you can do nothing.”23 God lives through the believer when we abide in Christ.

Abiding in Christ is both a state of being and a mindset. It is a state of being because Scripture indicates at least 220 New Testament passages that clearly refer to ‘in Christ’ truth.24 These passages speak of the believer’s position in Christ, the believer’s possessions in Christ, and the believer’s life in Christ. All are realized as the overflow of abiding.

22 John 15:4. 23 John 15:5b. 24 Introduction to “In Christ” Truth, David Spurbeck, 5. 48 Notes:

It is a mindset because the believer must understand what they already have in Christ and believe these blessings to be true. The Christian lacks nothing in Christ. The Apostle Paul speaks of being “complete in Christ” and “blessed with every spiritual blessing.”25 The Christian is not waiting on God for the necessary tools of victory; the Christian has already received the tools at the moment of salvation. On this level, the battle is for the mind. If God has blessed the Christian, but the Chris- tian does not know they are blessed or does not believe they are blessed—they do not enjoy what God has provided.

The abiding Christian is one who understands their position and possessions in Christ, and they are no longer wrestling with God to obtain what they think they need. The word “abide” means rest in, remain in, or “to feel at ease with.”26 The Chris- tian can begin to feel at ease with God because the work of Christ has made them acceptable and abiding in Christ releases God’s activity through their life. As God lives through the abiding believer, He bears fruit that remains.27 “If the be- liever is not enjoying his position in Christ and feeling at ease in it, the fruit of the Spirit cannot be produced in his life.”28

Abiding in Christ is the only hope for permanent and posi- tive life change. There is no abiding apart from relationship. “The very essence of the Christian experience is entering into and maintaining an intimate relationship with God. It is for this purpose that we have been saved from our sins. Yet, how few devote themselves to such blessed intimacy. Attending church is important, but our connection to the Vine must be maintained daily.”29 As the believer abides in Christ and Christ lives through the believer—life change takes place. “For the Christian, his entire life is to be an intimate walk with God.”30

Sound Bites for the Christ-Life: • Everything God desires to do in and through your life, He will accomplish out of the overflow of your ______with Him.

• It’s not about ______; it’s about ______.

• Christianity is not about you living for God; it’s about God living His life through you.

25 Colossians 1:28; Ephesians 1:3. 26 Introduction to “In Christ” Truth, David Spurbeck, 7. 27 John 15:16. 28 Introduction to “In Christ” Truth, David Spurbeck 7. 29 At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry, Steve Gallagher, 245. 30 Because We Love Him, Clyde Cranford, 107.

49 Notes: Practical Concerns: • What if the person is not saved?

• How long does it take for a person to get it and for Christ to change their life?

• What if the person wants instant results?

• How can I learn more about the Christ-life?

Books on the Christ-Life: (While all of the books do a fantastic job of teaching the Christ-life—there are some areas that you need to read with caution.)

• Grace Walk by Steve McVey • The Complete Green Letters by Miles Stanford • Because We Love Him by Clyde Cranford • Alive By His Life by Manley Beasley • Calvary Road by Roy Hession • Born Crucified by L.E. Maxwell • Grace Rules by Steve McVey • The Rest of the Gospel by Dan Stone • Grace Amazing by Steve McVey • Knowing God by J.I. Packer • The Saving Life of Christ by Ian Thomas • The Mystery of Holiness by Ian Thomas • The Indwelling Life of Christ by Ian Thomas • Not I But Christ by Stephen Olford • Classic Christianity by Bob George • Complete in Christ by Bob George • Laws for Liberated Living by Manley Beasley • A Scandalous Freedom by Steve Brown • Transformed Into His Image by David Foster

50 Session 6: The Role of the Holy Spirit Notes:

When the counseling course began, I gave the following defi- nition of biblical counseling: Biblical counseling is a strategic opportunity for discipleship where Scripture is the source, the Christ-life is the focus, and complete health is the goal.

The only way this definition becomes a reality is to rely upon God’s Spirit to use His Word, His presence, and His power to bring about healing.

The purpose of this session is to see the way God (through the work of the Holy Spirit) brings complete healing.

What is the role(s) of the Holy Spirit in the development of the person?

. ______, Comforter, ______

John 14:16-17 “I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever; that is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it does not see Him or know Him, but you know Him because He abides with you and will be in you.” (KJV: Helper is trans- lated Comforter)

John 14:26 “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to you remembrance all that I said to you.” (NIV: Helper is translated Counselor)

John 15:26 “When the Helper comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, that is the Spirit of truth who proceeds from the Father…”

John 16:7 “But I tell you the truth, it is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you…”

. ______, Guide, Revealer of ______

John 16:13 “But when He, the Spirit of truth, comes, He will guide you into all the truth; for He will not speak on His own initiative, but whatever He hears, He will speak; and He will disclose to you what is to come.”

1 Corinthians 2:10-13 “For to us God revealed them through the Spirit; for the Spirit searches all things, even the depths of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the spirit of the man which is in him? Even so the thoughts of God no one knows except the Spirit of God. Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may know the things freely given

51 Notes: to us by God, which things we also speak not in words taught by human wisdom, but in those taught by the Spirit, combin- ing spiritual thoughts with spiritual words. But a natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised.”

Throughout the rest of the Book of Acts, the Holy Spirit interacts with, communicates to, and provides guidance for believers.

. He inspired Scripture which was fulfilled (1:16). . Ananias lied to the Holy Spirit (5:3). . The Spirit bore witness to Jesus (5:32). . Philip was instructed by the Spirit (8:28). . The early believers were comforted by Him (9:31). . The Spirit told Peter how to act towards the men He had sent (10:19). . Peter shared with Cornelius what the Spirit told Him (11:12). . The decisions of the Jerusalem council were confirmed by the Holy Spirit (15:28). . The Holy Spirit forbade Paul to preach in Asia and Bithynia (16:6f). . He testified about the “chains and tribulations” await- ing Paul (20:23). . Paul told the elders of the church at Ephesus, “. . . the Holy Spirit has made you overseers to shepherd the church of God . . .” (20:28). . The Holy Spirit prophesied of the problems about to be- fall Paul (21:11). . Paul declares, “The Holy Spirit spoke rightly through Isa- iah the prophet to our fathers . . .” (28:25).

. Constant ______

John 14:16 “I will ask the Father, and He will give you anoth- er Helper, that He may be with you forever; that is the Spirit of truth…”

. Agent of ______

John 16:8 “And he, when He comes, will convict the world concerning sin and righteousness and judgment.”

. Agent of ______/ Fruit ______

Philippians 1:6 “For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.”

Galatians 5:22-23 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control…”

52 Romans 8:26a “In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; Notes:

. ______

Romans 8:26-27 “In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints ac- cording to the will of God.”

According to Scripture, the Holy Spirit helps, comforts, coun- sels, teaches, guides, reveals truth, remains with, convicts, changes, produces fruit, and intercedes for the believer.

As a biblical counselor, if the Holy Spirit does all of that—what is our responsibility?

1. ______people back to God and His Word. 2. Have ______that He will do what He said He will do.

How does a person receive the Holy Spirit?

Acts 2:38 “Peter said to them, ‘Repent, and each of you will be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.”

If a person does not have the Holy Spirit—how does this affect the counseling and healing process?

How would you direct each person/couple so that they under- stand the Scriptures and the role of the Holy Spirit in their lives?

Scenario 1: Loneliness

Stan is overcome by a sense of loneliness. From everything you know, He is a follower of Christ and there seems to be areas of fruit that verify this notion. He finds it difficult to make friends and considers himself introverted. After lengthy dis- cussion, you discover that Stan doesn’t trust people because

53 Notes: of a series of trust related problems in the past. How do you direct Stan in the Scriptures, and what are some areas where you can join with the Holy Spirit in intercession for Stan?

Scenario 2: Infidelity in marriage

Rob and Kim have been married for 6 years. Rob is a believer and Kim is not. He was told by his parents and pastor that marrying a non believer is not God’s design for his life, but he chose to ignore their advice. They were in love.

The marriage has been rocky at best, but they’ve always seemed to keep things together. In the past 7 months, there has been a growing distance between them. Kim has not been coming home immediately after work. There are hours that are unaccounted for and Rob has been suspicious.

Two weeks ago, his suspicions were realized when Kim told him that she wanted a divorce and that she’s been seeing someone else. She has made it clear that she does not want counseling, God, or anything to do with Rob. Rob is crushed and trying to find hope. Where do you begin with Rob and how do you emphasize the role of the Holy Spirit?

Scenario 3: Anxiety and depression

Jessica is a financial planner with a prestigious wealth invest- ment firm. She is not a “Christian” but she follows manyof the teachings of Christ and even goes to church from time to

54 time. In the past 6 months, the portfolios she managed have Notes: taken a beating. Clients are mad, her boss is mad, her future with the company seems uncertain.

Due to the turbulent financial crisis, Jessica finds herself ex- periencing anxiety in the form of panic attacks. She cannot sleep at night. She’s put on 25 unwanted pounds, and feels like her life is spinning out of control. How can you help Jessica understand relevant Scripture to her life and direct her to the role of the Holy Spirit in her healing?

Scenario 4: Drug addiction and pornography

Kent is 17 and a new Christian. His past has not always been on the ‘straight and narrow,’ but God definitely did a work in his heart. He’s seen change in a number of areas: anger, speech, alcohol abuse, and different desires. He loves God, but feels the constant pressure of letting God down.

Even though Kent is a believer, he is still struggling with two pattern sins. He started smoking marijuana 2 years ago, and cannot seem to quit. Also, he was exposed to pornography at an early age and battles daily with lustful thoughts. Every time he messes up—he hates himself even more. He has tried everything to find freedom, but nothing seems to work. Now, he’s even considering the thought that maybe God doesn’t want everyone free. Where do you begin?

55 Notes: Scenario 5: Jealousy and bitterness

Carl has been a believer for almost 17 years. For the most part, life has been uneventful. He’s always made wise decisions that have led to a college degree, a good job, a wonderful wife, leadership positions in his church, and some financial stability. In many ways, he is the guy that everyone envies.

Carl has a secret. He’s always felt like he was a step or two behind the competition. In high school, he missed salutatori- an by a fraction of a point. In college, his best friend got the “good job.” Even when dating, he didn’t set his goals too high because he became accustomed to getting hurt.

The problem is that Carl recognizes two sins in his life that con- tinue to appear. He is jealous of what others have and he becomes bitter when people are blessed. He hates the way he feels, but he doesn’t know where to begin. How can you direct Carl in this personal dilemma?

Scenario 6: Financial crisis in marriage

Frank and Stacy have been married for less than 2 years. They are both believers, but they are also huge spenders. In the past 2 years, they have wracked up more than $17,000 in credit card debt, two 5-year car loans, $45,000 in school loans, and purchased a old house that seems to keep falling apart. Now, they live paycheck to paycheck, making minimum payments, and feeling the increasing pressure of debt.

The financial stress is taking its toll on their young marriage, but they feel trapped by poor decisions. They are consider- ing bankruptcy and they want your confirmation of that de- cision. What do you tell them?

56 Notes: Session 7: Common Counseling Concerns for Marriage and Family

With the exception of a person’s relationship with God, mar- riage and family are the most important relationships in a person’s life. It is impossible to spend a significant amount of time around someone and not develop a level of friction. The greater the differences between the people (i.e. values, spir- itual life, habits, attitude, responsibility, dreams, family, etc.), the greater the likelihood of major problems. While opposites attract, they do not always live happily ever after.

Marriage and family counseling will be a major part any bibli- cal counselor’s workload.

In every case, refer to God’s design, instructions, and plan in Scripture.

Marriage:

The Most Common Counseling Concerns in Marriage

. ______. Financial Problems . ______Reversal . In-Law / Extended Family Problems . Husbands Unwilling to be Spiritual/Servant ______. Both Parties Not Understanding the Biblical Role of Submission . Lack of Godly Influence or Focus . No Quality Time Together / Growing Apart . Not Keeping the Marriage Covenant Holy (i.e. multi- ple partners, pornography introduced, unhealthy ex- tra-marital relationships, etc.) . No ______or Low Expectations for Marriage . Unequally Yoked . Dysfunctional / Non-Existent Sex Life . Unwillingness to Die to ______and Grow Up

Roles in Marriage

. God: The Ultimate ______of the Home

. Husband: o ______/Sacrificial/Spiritual Leader (Ephesians 5:25) . The husband is not expected to have all of the answers, but they are expected to know the state of their family and initiate conversation. o Lover of His Wife (Ephesians 5:28-30; 1 Corinthians 7:1-5)

57 Notes: o ______of the Home (Ephesians 5:23) o Provider/ Protector (1 Timothy 5:8; Proverbs 13:22) o Example for the Family (Proverbs 20:7) . Wife: o ______Helper (Ephesians 5:22,24; Colossians 3:18-19; 1 Peter 3:7) o Lover of Her Husband (1 Corinthians 7:1-5) o Respect Her Husband (Ephesians 5:33) o Heart of the Home (Titus 2:4-5) o ______(Proverbs 31:27-29) Greatest Needs in Marriage

. Husband ( ______and Encouragement)

The husband needs to know that his wife respects and appre- ciates him. When marriage is operating as God desires, the husband will feel empowered by his wife. He will know that they are on the same team and she believes in him and sup- ports him. This type of husband will take on greater challeng- es, strive for higher dreams, and feel safe and secure within the marriage.

When this admiration, respect, and/or encouragement are lacking, the husband is crippled as a leader and stunted as a man. He is unsure of family or marriage decisions. He will withdraw from his God given role as servant leader. He will go through the motions of marriage without being engaged as a spouse. He will shut down in communication because he does not feel that his opinion is valued.

. Wife (______and Being ______)

The wife needs to feel secure and loved in marriage. Homes, jobs, money, and friends will come and go. However, when these two pieces are in place, a wife can endure a lot of ups and downs. When these two pieces are not in place, even the best of circumstances will leave her unsatisfied. When the wife is secure and knows she is loved, it makes it easier to re- spect, submit, and cherish the relationship. Security and love will add to the feeling of being equal partners in life.

When security and love break down, the wife will find it ex- tremely difficult to submit to the husband. Without security, she will assume other roles in order to stabilize the marriage and home. Over time, resentment and frustration will ruin inti- macy on every level.

58 Notes: Greatest Causes of Divorce

. Lack of ______

. ______Concerns

Family:

. ______

Every stage in life seems to challenge the desire to live for self. When a person is single, they are responsible for them- selves. They do what they want, when they want, how they want—without needing to check with others. When a per- son gets married, they must die to self in order to become one with their spouse. Decisions, plans, jobs, and dreams are mutual decisions. When a couple has kids, they are forced to die to self even more. They have to adjust their schedule to the child’s schedule. They loose sleep, reallocate resourc- es, readjust schedules, and even redefine lifestyle (i.e. cars, homes, vacations, dating, etc.). The progression of dying to self is not easy.

Common Problems with Kids:

. ______Expectations as Parents (The Norman Rockwell Idea) . ______Management . Lack of Intentional ______(Parenting is more than providing a home, toys, food, and clothing.) o Start Early o Show Love o Consistent Discipline o Establishing Boundaries o Instill Scripture o Time Together o Building Memories o Teaching Life Skills o Living a Godly Example o Letting the Kids See Healthy Affection in Marriage o Developing Character (Spiritual Input, Respon- sibility, Work Ethic, Honesty, Serving Others, Re- specting Authority, Listening to What They Say, Helping Them With Failure, Recognizing Teach- able Moments, Etc.) . Balancing Good Gifts With Spoiling Kids . ______Within Marriage . Discipline Concerns (Disrespect and Disobedience) . Failure to Establish ______. Rebellion

59 Notes: Two of the greatest gifts a parent can give their children are a godly heritage and a stable home.

The hand that rocks the cradle—rocks the world.

. ______

Our parents can either be one of the greatest blessings in our lives or one of the greatest hindrances to a healthy future.

When parents live out a godly example, love their kids, pro- vide a safe and secure home, instill proper discipline and boundaries, and encourage their kids to become all God created them to be—LIFE IS GOOD!

However, when parents choose to live for self, not grow up, reverse roles, discourage and devalue kids, fight in front of the kids, reject God’s design for marriage and the home, and pull their kids through all their junk—THE KIDS ARE FORCED TO DEAL WITH THINGS THEY SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO FACE!

Common Parent Related Problems

. No ______/ Interference Within Marriage . Role Reversal (The parents acting like kids and the kids having to be the parents) . Overcoming Poor ______from Childhood . Overcoming Hurtful Words or Unrealistic Expectations from Childhood . Divorce (New Relationships, Feeling Guilty, Trust, For- giveness, Etc.) . Unwillingness to ______from Parents . ______with In Laws

. ______

In many ways, the problems with relatives are similar to the problems with parents. When the relationships are strong with relatives, the added family can be a source of stability, love, and social networking. However, when the relationships be- come dysfunctional, the added family can be a source of stress, division, and constant frustration.

It might be helpful to remind people of the proper placement of relationships:

1. God 2. ______3. Kids 4. ______5. Others

When the proper placement of relationships is interrupted, problems will only grow in intensity. 60 Session 8: Spiritual Gifts/Fruit of the Spirit Notes:

In previous sessions, we’ve addressed…

• The big picture and developing a biblical worldview • Systematic theology • Locating relevant passages • Basic counseling skills • Finding the source of the problem • The Christ Life • The role of the Holy Spirit • Counseling marriage and family issues

So much of the foundation for counseling has been set. At this point, we’re going to focus on factors at work in you that impact your ability to counsel. We’re going to focus on two questions:

1. How has God ______me? (Spiritual Gifts) 2. Where is God ______me? (Fruit of the Spirit)

Our personal gifting will impact how we work with others. Our personal growth will impact if, when, and where we should work with others. Let’s take a few moments to familiarize our- selves with both parts.

How has God gifted me? (Spiritual Gifts)

God wants you to know, understand, and use your spiritual gifts. First Corinthians 12:1 says, “Now about spiritual gifts I do not want you to be ignorant.” (NIV)

A SPIRITUAL GIFT: Is a special ability, given by the Holy Spirit to every believer, to be used to minister to others building up the Body of Christ. (Eph. 4; Rom. 12; 1 Cor. 12-14.)

Seven Truths Concerning Spiritual Gifts

1. Every Christian has at least ______. “ For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that.” (1 Corinthians 7:7 NKJV)

2. No one receives ______the gifts. “ Now you are the body of Christ, and members individ- ually. And God has appointed these in the church: first apostles, second prophets, third teachers, after that mir- acles, then gifts of healings, helps, administrations, variet- ies of tongues. Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Are all workers of miracles? Do all have gifts of healings? Do all speak with tongues? Do all interpret?” (1 Corinthians 12:27-30 NKJV)

61 Notes: 3. No ______gift is given to everyone. (1 Corinthians 12:29-30 NKJV)

4. You can’t ______a spiritual gift. “But to each one of us grace was given according to the measure of Christ’s gift.” (Ephesians 4:7 NKJV)

5. The ______decides what gifts I get. “But one and the same Spirit works all these things, distrib- uting to each one individually as He wills.” (1 Corinthians 12:11 NKJV)

6. The gifts I’m given are ______. “For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable.” (Romans 11:29 NKJV)

7. I am to ______the gifts God gives me. “Do not neglect the gift that is in you, which was given to you by prophecy with the laying on of the hands of the eldership.” (1 Timothy 4:14 NKJV)

The Purpose of Spiritual Gifts

1. Spiritual gifts are not for my benefit, but for others. “Each one of you, as a good manager of God’s different gifts, must use for the good of others, the spiritual gift he has received from God.” (1 Peter 4:10 GN)

“The Holy Spirit displays God’s power through each of us as a means of helping the entire church.” (1 Corinthians 12:7 NLT)

2. Using spiritual gifts helps produce maturity in our church family. “It was He who ‘gave gifts to men’...to build up the Body of Christ so we shall all come together to that oneness in our faith...and become mature...Then we shall no longer be children carried by the waves and blown about by every shifting wind...” (Ephesians 4:11, 13-14 GN)

Cautions About Spiritual Gifts

1. Don’t confuse gifts with natural talents. You may have a natural talent for singing, sports, dance, etc. Talents are also God given, but they are not the same as spiritual gifts.

2. Don’t confuse spiritual gifts with the fruit of the Spirit. (Gal. 5:22-23)

• “Fruit” shows my Maturity • “Gifts” show my Ministry

62 3. Be aware of the “gift projection” tendency. Notes: (Expecting others to serve the way you do and have similar results.)

4. Using your gift(s) without love renders it worthless! “ I may be able to speak the languages of men and even of angels...I may have the gift of inspired preaching...I may have all knowledge... and all the faith to move mountains - but if I have not love, I am nothing...it does no good.” (1 Corinthians 13:1-3 GN)

The Bible does not lock us into tight restrictions as to the number of spiritual gifts, or even their definitions. The four major lists of gifts are found in Romans 12:3-8, 1 Cor. 12:1-11, 27-31, Eph. 4:11-12, and 1 Peter 4:9-11. Romans 12:5-8 lists seven “motivational gifts.” Motivational gifts are defined as that gift (or gifts) which motivates your thought process, actions, and reactions. It is the “rose-colored glasses” from which you view your world.

The Seven Motivational Gifts (Romans 12:5–8)

1. Prophecy (Romans 12:6) The ability to publicly communicate God’s Word in an inspired way that convinces unbelievers and both chal- lenges and comforts believers. The ability to persuasively declare God’s will. Not “foretelling” the future, but “forth- telling” the truth.

Biblical Examples: Peter and John the Baptist

2. Serving (Romans 12:7a) The ability to recognize unmet needs in the church fam- ily, and take the initiative to provide practical assistance quickly, cheerfully, and without a need for recognition. Biblical Examples: Martha and Dorcas

3. Teaching (Romans 12:7b) The ability to educate God’s people by clearly explaining and applying the Bible in a way that causes them to learn. The ability to equip and train other believers for ministry.

Biblical Examples: Luke and Apollos

4. Exhortation (Romans 12:8a) The ability to motivate God’s people to apply and act on biblical principles, especially when they are discouraged or wavering in their faith. The ability to bring out the best in others and challenge them to develop their potential.

Biblical Examples: Paul and Barnabas

63 Notes: 5. Giving (Romans 12:8b) The ability to generously contribute material resources and/ or money beyond the 10% tithe so that the Body may grow and be strengthened. The ability to earn and manage mon- ey so it may be given to support church ministries.

Biblical Examples: Abraham, Cornelius and Zacchaeus

6. Administration (Romans 12:8c) The ability to lead and organize people and ministries so that the ministry is performed “decently and in order” (1 Corinthians 14:40). The ability to put programs and structures in place so that the ministry runs smoothly.

Biblical Examples: Nehemiah and Joseph

7. Mercy (Romans 12:8d) The ability to detect hurt and empathize with those who are suffering in the church family. The ability to provide compassionate, cheerful, and emotional support to those experiencing distress, crisis, or pain.

Biblical Examples: John & Ruth

As a biblical counselor, you have been gifted with one or more of the gifts mentioned. God will use your gifts in counsel- ing. However, we must be careful to recognize gift projection, the limitations of each gift, and the importance of working with others and their gifts. Counseling is not about how you can heal the counselee; counseling is about discipling peo- ple to health (and that requires multiple gifts).

Main Point: We have to find ways to work with other believers to bring about full health and maturity.

64 Where is God growing me? (Fruit of the Spirit) Notes:

The fruit of the Spirit is mentioned in Galatians 5:22-23. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, good- ness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”

Fruit is used metaphorically to describe what it looks like when the Holy Spirit lives His life through you. The fruit of the Spirit… the by-product of the Spirit…the manifestation of the Spirit in our lives is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness…

These verses act as a litmus test for where you are in your per- sonal walk with God. When you are depending upon God and walking with Him—you will see each part growing over time. You will never reach a point of absolute perfection on this side of heaven. However, there should be continual growth over time. If you find that the results are moving the wrong direction, evaluate what you need to do personally and whether you should be counseling for a period of time.

On a different level, the fruit of the Spirit can also be used as a reference guide or baseline reading for growth in the counsel- ee(s). Sometimes it’s difficult to know whether real progress is being made. This list can become a self-assessment guide for the counselee to describe either growth or problem areas. The more the counselee see’s God’s standard, the more it forces them to wrestle with God individually.

65 Notes: Session 9: Counseling Addictions, Fears, Anxiety, and Depression

Addictions, fears, anxiety, and depression are four of the most common issues you will encounter while counseling. The person may come because they are experiencing one or more of the problems, or they might come because a “bigger” problem has been heightened by one or more of these issues.

For example, a woman might share that her husband is abu- sive and she needs help with her marriage. The more you talk, you may see that the marital problems are intensified by fear of the unknown, anxiety over the known, and depression with the whole situation.

I’ve found that most counseling sessions will have one or more of these problems. How do we effectively counsel people in a way that addresses the issues while dealing with the source?

Basic Definitions: Before discussing the counseling process, it is important to make sure that we are working with the same basic definitions. I’ve included a secular definition of each problem and a biblical understanding of the same issue. While the biblical understanding can embrace some of the secular thought, it does not always work the other way around.

Addiction: . Secular: A state of physiological or psychological ______on a drug liable to have a damaging effect.

. Biblical: Being ______and dominated by ______other than the Holy Spirit.

Fear: . Secular: An unpleasant ______or apprehen- sion or distress caused by the presence or anticipation of danger.

. Biblical: The absence of ______connect- ed to a lack of ______with Christ.

Anxiety: . Secular: Nervousness or ______, often about something that is going to happen.

. Biblical: Increased worry brought on by not ______God with the future.

66 Notes: Depression:

. Secular: A state of unhappiness and ______.

. Biblical: A state of excessive unhappiness or a lack of emotion brought on by consistently living apart from God’s ______and ______for your life.

Note 1: There is a difference between ______and depression. A person might be sad or upset about an event in his or her life. However, depression is when the sadness does not go away.

Note 2: What some people describe as depression is actually a lack of ______and purpose. They are not ful- filled because they are living apart from God’s presence and plan. They have no purpose because they are not engaged with God in His plan for their life. The only way they know how to express their dissatisfaction with the current state of life is by saying, “I’m depressed.”

Note 3: If perceived depression causes people to search for fulfillment and purpose—is it always bad? Headaches can lead to discovery of a tumor. Pain in the side can be an indi- cator of appendicitis. Dissatisfaction with life can be an indi- cator of missing God’s plan.

Quick Review:

Addiction: Being controlled and dominated by anything oth- er than the Holy Spirit. Fear: The absence of peace connected to a lack of intimacy with Christ. Anxiety: Increased worry brought on by not trusting God with the future. Depression: A state of excessive unhappiness or a lack of emotion brought on by consistently living apart from God’s presence and plan for your life.

What are the patterns in each of these issues?

1. ______with ______

a. Walk in the Spirit and you will not fulfill the lust of the flesh (Galatians 5:16). (Addiction) b. Absence of peace connected to a lack of inti- macy with Christ. (Fear) c. We do not trust God as we should because we do not know God as we can. We do not know God as we can because we do not spend time with God. No time with God = Anxiety d. There is no life apart from Christ. When Christ, who is our life… (Colossians 3:4) (Depression) 67 Notes:

2. Living according to ______

a. Gratifying and feeding self—addiction b. Depending on self—fear and anxiety c. Living for self—depression

When counseling people with these issues, keep several thoughts in mind.

1. Addiction, fear, anxiety, and depression are ______that lead us to the source. 2. Focus your counseling upon intimacy with Christ and breaking the compulsion to live for self. 3. Be careful that your council does not become ______. For example, if the person says, “I’m anxious because I don’t have enough money to pay the bills, my job is horrible, my kids are annoying, and my wife thinks I’m weird.” If you turn the focus of your counsel to each situation, you will have to con- tinue to address every situation that brings anxiety. You might speak to an immediate need, but you will miss the source of anxiety. 4. Allow Scripture to address the ______, but focus the bulk of the Bible study on the ______.

Helpful Passages: (For more passages, refer to the section Lo- cating Relevant Passages.)

. Matthew 6:25-34 . Philippians 1:21 . Luke 9:23-24 . Philippians 3:7-10 . John 15:1-11 . Philippians 3:12-14 . Romans 6-8 . Philippians 3:17-19 . 2 Corinthians 4:7-11 . Philippians 4:8-9 . 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 . Colossians 1:28 . 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 . Colossians 2:20-23 . Galatians 5:1 . Colossians 3:1-4 . Galatians 5:16-24 . 1 Thessalonians 2:13b . Galatians 6:7-9 . 1 Timothy 1:7 . Ephesians 4:20-24

68 Notes: Case Studies:

Case 1: Larry has expressed depression for the last 6 months. He goes to church, but finds no joy. He reads the Bible, but finds no excitement. He prays each day, but God seems si- lent. He gives regularly to the church, but doesn’t see God moving in his life. Larry has always considered himself a pretty solid Christian. He’s not perfect, but he strives to please God. The sense of depression seems to be growing every day. How would you counsel Larry?

Case 2: Ann is a single mom with 3 kids and 2 jobs. She has been a believer for 6 years, but battles with constant fear and anxiety. If she dies—who will care for her kids? If the hot water heater breaks this month, where will she get the money for a new one? If her landlord decides to sell the house, will she be able to rent another one in the same school district? Fear of the unknown and the anxiety of daily life are more than she can handle. She admits to bouts of depression and a very sporadic devotional life. She has been thinking about talking to her doctor about some medicine for anxiety, but wanted to talk with you first. What would you say?

69 Notes: Case 3: Kathy has been cutting herself for almost 2 years. In the beginning, she would only make a small cut that was eas- ily covered by clothes. But in the past 2 months, she has been cutting herself more often, in bigger ways, and where her par- ents and friends can see. Kathy has not come to you for help, but her parents did. Unfortunately, the parents are unsure of Kathy’s spiritual condition, but they hope she’s saved. What would you say?

70 Session 10: Counseling Crisis and Trauma

The following section has been set up as quick reference guide for crisis and trauma counseling. When a suicidal counselee calls at 3 in the morning, or when a counsel- ee texts you that they’re dropping by in 20 minutes with a crisis—you need to have a quick reference guide at your disposal. These guides will allow you to refresh yourself on the basics before you talk with the person.

INSIGHTS FOR COUNSELING: UNDERSTANDING CRISIS

WHAT IS A CRISIS?

A crisis can be understood as a crucial time and turning point in a person’s life. This pe- riod is often accompanied by a temporary loss of coping abilities, a paralysis of action.

There are two basic types of crisis: developmental and situational. Developmental crises are the predictable experiences everyone goes through in the maturation process (i.e. adolescence, middle age, etc.) Situational crises are unpredictable. They are the upheavals resulting from unusual circumstances (i.e. divorce, job loss, death, disabling accident).

WHAT CAUSES A CRISIS?

A crisis occurs as an internal response to an external hazardous event. When people are thrown off balance by an ensuing event, they experience a crisis. It is important not to confuse the crisis with the precipitating event.

Precipitating event—appraisal—resources and coping methods—crisis

The precipitating event is the part that throws the person off balance (i.e. loss of job, death, mid-life crisis, etc.). As a person appraises the situation, they will determine if the event is a threat or not a threat. If the event is a perceived threat to the way they live from day to day—they will rely on coping methods. Coping methods are the manner in which people respond to problems. Each person marshals external resources (friends, relations, clergy, physicians) and internal resources (ability to face and handle new situ- ations, problem solving, and communication skills) to meet perceived threats. If coping methods reduce the threat, a crisis is avoided. However, when a person’s coping meth- ods are not sufficient to meet the threat—that person encounters a crisis.

4 Common Elements of a Crisis: 1. A Hazardous Event: the occurrence that starts a chain reaction of events that culminates in a crisis 2. The Vulnerable State: the person must be vulnerable for a crisis to occur 3. The Precipitating Factor: the straw that broke the camel’s back 4. The State of Active Crisis: when the person can no longer handle the situation, crisis develops.

71 WHAT IS THE PROCESS FOR CRISIS INTERVENTION?

The A-B-C method of crisis intervention has three elements:

• Achieve contact with the person • Boil down the problem to its essentials • Cope actively with the problem

1. Achieve Contact: • Establish an empathetic relationship • Be relational • Watch behaviors • Look into their eyes • Listen closely • Use counseling areas that communicate calmness, confidentiality, and openness • Minimize outside distractions

2. Boil Down Problems: • Respond (refer to “General Guidelines for Crisis Counseling”) • Focus

3. Cope Actively with the Problems: • Provide Problem Management Components o Establishing Goals o Taking inventory of resources o Formulating alternatives o Committing to Action o Evaluating • Follow Up • Referral o Time o Skill o Emotional Objectivity

HOW DO WE PREPARE TO MINISTER IN CRISIS?

Ministers and counselors need to prepare themselves on a number of levels to deal with crucial situations. Reflect upon the care and motives behind helping acts. If a person’s crisis is similar to one you experienced or never completely resolved—your ability to help may be impaired.

Secondly, we have to prepare to accept failure. Every counseling situation will not turn out as we hoped.

Third, we need to be sensitive to the expectations others have of a pastor.

72 WHAT ARE GENERAL GUIDELINES FOR CRISIS COUNSELING?

Do not respond in to those in crisis in the following ways:

1. Quick advice 2. False assurances 3. Bromides (Christian clichés) 4. Excessive questions 5. Judgmental pronouncements 6. Psychoanalysis 7. Debating or arguing 8. Seeking personal release

Effective response will include the following:

1. Specificity 2. Using open-ended questions 3. Describing rather than evaluating 4. Responding with immediacy 5. Brevity 6. Checking for understanding 7. Pauses

When training counselors from the laity—three pre-conditions are essential:

1. Careful selection 2. Rigorous training 3. Continuous ruthless supervision

WHAT ARE THE GOALS OF CRISIS COUNSELING?

There is a three-fold objective for crisis counseling.

1. We are attempting to reduce the impact of the crisis-precipitating event. 2. We are attempting to strengthen the person’s problem solving skills. 3. We are attempting to add additional coping methods.

73 UNDERSTANDING TRAUMA

WHAT IS TRAUMA?

Trauma is the response to any event that shatters your safe world so that it’s no longer a place of refuge. It’s more than a state of crisis. It is a normal reaction to abnormal events that overwhelm a person’s ability to adapt to life—where you feel powerless.

The word ‘trauma’ comes from a Greek word that means ‘wound.’ It’s a condi- tion characterized by the phrase, ‘I just can’t seem to get over it.”

Trauma affects how you interpret and store the event you experienced. In ef- fect, it overrides your alarm system. Trauma has the power to disrupt how you process information. When you can’t handle the stress, the mind will activate your survival techniques.

In some ways, trauma freezes our thinking. It’s as though the left side of the brain (the cognitive) and the right side of the brain (the emotional) disconnects from one another. A person may have vivid, graphic thoughts about what hap- pened but have no emotion. Or the person may experience intense emotions without the thoughts or actual memories. The disconnection is a type of de- fense mechanism to reduce the impact of the experience.

WHAT CAUSES TRAUMA?

We are all susceptible to trauma. Some of the factors that lead up to trauma are stress, natural verses man-made disasters, and other factors (i.e. sexual or physical assault, excessive beatings, confinement, deprivation of food or medical care, car accidents, rape, injury or death of a friend, riot, war, etc.). Those involved in the helping profession are open to trauma if they’ve been involved in just one of the following situations:

• Witnessed death and injury • Experienced a threat to their own safety and life • Made life and death decisions • Worked in high-stress conditions

Traumatized people have alterations in their brain. When a trauma occurs, up to 70% of your brain-bound oxygen is diverted into your muscles in order to propel you somewhere else.

74 HOW DO WE HELP TRAUMA VICTIMS?

Help should begin immediately after the trauma occurs. The longer you wait, the greater the imprint upon the brain. It is also important to teach the person about trauma. The more he or she knows, the more they feel in control of their life. Most importantly, regardless of the methods used in counseling, the essen- tial element of recovery is to remain connected to other people.

There are several phases in the counseling:

1. Introductory phase: Take time to introduce yourself, explain the pro- cess and clarify the expectations as well as ground rules. 2. Fact phase: Can you tell me what happened? Allow the person to de- scribe the traumatic event from their own perspective. 3. Thought phase: The person is asked to describe their cognitive reac- tions to the event. 4. Reaction phase: You’re trying to help the people identify the most traumatic part of the experience. This is the time to normalize and le- gitimize the feelings. 5. Symptom phase: This phase brings the people out of the feeling do- main and back into the cognitive. What physical or psychological re- actions have you noticed? Have you experienced any signs of distress since this happened? 6. Teaching or educational phase: This phase is also in the cognitive domain. Teach the person about the effects of trauma. Help them to normalize the experience and anticipate what they may experience next. Help them identify and remove the triggers of trauma. It is also a good time to give suggestions that reduce the negative effect of the responses. 7. Re-entry phase: The final phase is the time to answer questions and summarize what was covered. Remember that the people probably won’t remember much of what you say because of what they expe- rienced, so use handouts. (A helpful list of questions is found on pages 221-222 in The New Guide to Trauma and Crisis Counseling.)

Recovery Process:

1. Gauge the Speed: Go slow and be safe. Don’t push the individuals. 2. Determine the Stage: • The cognitive stage: is when the person fully faces the trauma, remembers it, and even reconstructs it mentally. • The emotional stage: deals with the way people mentally heal and recover. This stage necessitates dealing with any repressed feelings caused by the trauma. • The mastery stage: is when people find new meaning through their experience and develop a survivor perspective, rather than continue to see themselves as victims. 3. Persevere Through the Tough Times: It is important to initiate the discus- sion of the possibility of lapses and relapses.

75 WHAT ARE THE GOALS FOR TRAUMA COUNSELING?

Our task is to help the individual normalize and reframe flashbacks in an attempt to heal from the traumatic experience so that he or she can move forward in life.

The recovery goals include but are not limited to the following:

• Reduced frequency of symptoms • Reduced fear of symptoms • Reduced fear of insanity • Rechanneled anger and grief

The recovery process will have marked improvements in the following:

• Fears will diminish • Anger will subside • Rigidity will decrease • Appreciation will abound • Improvements will be noted

WHAT ARE ADDITIONAL RESOURCES FOR TRAUMA COUNSELING?

• For Neurological, Psychological, and Physiological Effects of Trauma: Consult pages 198-205 in The New Guide to Trauma and Crisis Counseling

• For CISD Approach: Consult pages 217-222 in The New Guide to Trauma and Crisis Counseling

• For Trauma Recovery Guidelines: Consult pages 222-223 in The New Guide to Trauma and Crisis Counseling

• For Trauma Issues with Children: Consult pages 336-337 in The New Guide to Trauma and Crisis Counseling

76 UNDERSTANDING GRIEF

WHAT IS A GRIEF?

Grief is the deep sorrow or sadness caused by the loss of someone or some- thing important in life.

Everyone has numerous attachments that make up the reality of life. As life changes, we experience loss in these attachments, connections, and rela- tionships. Grief is the result of these losses.

WHAT IS THE GRIEVING PROCESS?

There are two alternatives that describe the process of grief (5 and 6 stages):

1. Denial and Isolation: 2. Anger: 3. Bargaining: 4. Depression: Depression has two parts. (1) Reactive depression—think- ing about past memories and (2) Preparatory depression—thinking about impending losses 5. Acceptance: ______

1. Shock and numbness: Shock is the physiological response to loss. 2. Denial: The first thoughts after learning of a loss are also somewhat predictable and automatic. The purpose of these thoughts is to pro- tect the newly grieving person from the impact of the loss. 3. Feelings: The first feelings are expressed in anger or a form of anger. (Blaming, guilt, fear, frustration, sadness, regret, despair, and disap- pointment are common) 4. Desperation: When the predominant feeling settles into a sense of sadness or sorrow the depression stage is beginning to occur. The func- tions of grief depression are the help the person review, envision, and decide. 5. Reorganization: There is a focus on changes in one’s life as a result of loss. All change involves learning. There will be some unanticipated change. A person’s adaptability can be a strong factor in how well and how long reorganization takes. 6. Recovery: Making new attachments and investing more energy in on- going relationships is the task that needs to be completed during the last stage of grief. This investment includes people, objects, interest, and a life that is of value.

77 WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF GRIEF?

It’s not uncommon for people to want to skip the grieving process and get back to life as ‘normal.’ Grieving is not only normal and natural, but it’s also necessary for a person’s recovery from loss. The function of grief is to help the person review the events surrounding loss, envision how life will be different, and decide on the course of action for their future. Input grief section p.86 Wright

HOW DO WE HELP GRIEVING PEOPLE?

The role of the counselor is to help the grieving person in three ways:

1. Bridging the past: The primary task in this period is for the one grieving to loos- en ties to the deceased person and begin to accept the finality of death. 2. Living in the present: After the funeral, a shift in the family structure needs to be made. Various roles need to be reassigned in order to take care of daily, routine tasks. 3. Finding a new path: During this time the grieving person finds stability in func- tioning and is now able to reorganize her or her life without the one who is deceased.

It might be helpful to describe the grieving process in one of two ways:

Grief as a journey: Journeys can be unexpected, spontaneous, desired and undesired, prepared for and catch us unprepared. The journey of life and the journey of grief is similar. Symbols, images, analogies, and metaphors are all strong tools for understanding grief.

Grief as a process: Processes, like journeys, have beginnings, middles, and endings even though they may be difficult to discover and may involve circu- lar and spiral-type return to earlier stages and tasks in order to complete the process.

Remind the Counselee: The grief process will be the same for most people. However, how a person deals in each step will often be unique. Grief is a natu- ral part of life. It takes time to grieve; likewise, it takes time to recover.

To assist in the grieving process, at some point, it may help to have counselees make a list of the effects of their loss. In addition, you can have them write each of these four statements on a 3x5 card or make them a card in advance. Ask them to concentrate on one statement each day.

1. I believe my grief has a purpose and an end. 2. I will be responsible for my own grief process. 3. I will not be afraid to ask for help. 4. I will not try to rush my recovery.

78 WHAT SHOULD WE REMEMBER WHEN MINISTERING TO THOSE GRIEVING?

1. A bereaved person, no matter what his or her age, needs safe places. 2. The bereaved also needs safe people. 3. Finally, the bereaved needs safe situations.

Remember that the intensity of grief is determined by the intensity of the attachment.

WHAT MYTHS HINDER THE GRIEVING PROCESS?

Myths, unfounded beliefs, and misperceptions, can become obstacles to heal- ing and recovery. Many unhelpful responses are so ingrained that they meet with denial, rationalization, or any available mechanism that serves to help maintain the bias.

Problematic Implication 1: Grief Work Is Not Essential The myths, beliefs, and misperceptions cited previously seriously undermine the im- portance of grief work. In this case, the common mechanism for undermining grief work is accomplished through denial and minimization.

Problematic Implication 2: Grief Should Be Simple The myth that grief is simple impedes the normative process of grieving and under- mines the uniqueness of each person’s experience.

Problematic Implication 3: Extended Grief Is Evidence of Immaturity or Pathology Limitations on the process, timing, and resolution of grief may be due to inaccu- rate assumptions and can lead to further complications and a failure to provide appropriate help.

Problematic Implication 4: Grief Is a Way of Feeling Sorry for Oneself or Getting Attention This belief is really a subcategory of the previous section. It tends to be a fa- vored variation that can seem condescending or pathologizing what may not be pathological.

Problematic Implication 5: Grief Implies Weakness of Character, Spirit, and Faith The conclusion that grief represents a spiritual deficit can be most problematic especially when the grieving process is really normal. This approach can be a dis- guised attempt to limit the exploration of beliefs and understandings that are not always simple or upbeat.

79 WHAT ARE THE GOALS OF GRIEF COUNSELING?

• Help the individual face the loss • Help the individual identify secondary losses and resolve unfinished business • Help the individual experience grief for any dreams, expectations or fantasies • Help the individual understand that their grief will affect all areas of life • Help the individual understand the process of grief • Help the individual find ways to be replenished spiritually, socially and physically • Help the individual with the practical problems following a loss and assist them in preventing unwise decisions • Provide helpful information concerning what they are now experiencing. • Let them know you understand that they may want to avoid the intensity of the pain they are presently experiencing • Encourage new relationships • Provide growth opportunities • Discover the bereaved’s capabilities and where they might be lacking in their coping skills.

WHAT ARE ADDITIONAL RESOURCES FOR GRIEF COUNSELING?

• For Helping a Grieving Person Recover and Say Good-Bye: Consult pages 111-128 in The New Guide to Trauma and Crisis Counseling

• For Guidelines to Help Children in Grief: Consult pages 365-383 in The New Guide to Trauma and Crisis Counseling

• For Complicated Grief: Consult pages 61-106 in Bereavement Counseling Pastoral Care for Complicated Grieving

• For Dysfunctional Grief: Consult pages 107-135 in Bereavement Counseling Pastoral Care for Complicated Grieving

• For Therapies and Treatments: Consult pages 197-220 in Bereavement Counseling Pastoral Care for Complicated Grieving

• For Positive Strategies and Helpful Interventions: Consult pages 221-272 in Bereavement Counseling Pastoral Care for Complicated Grieving

80 UNDERSTANDING LOSSES

WHAT IS A LOSS?

Loss is a part of the human condition and an unavailable fixture of life. The inevitability of major loss does not mean that many of us are well prepared to handle this type of stress. Significant losses will often bring overwhelming negative emotions, disruptions in everyday life, and long-term problems in resolving the loss.

Important Truths to Remember:

• Loss does not mean loser. • Loss requires identification. • Losses are not easily replaceable.

“When we think of loss, we think of loss through death of people we love. But loss is a far more encompassing them in our life. For we lose not only through death, but also by leaving and being left, by changing and letting go and moving on. And our losses include not only our separations and departures from those we love but our…loses of romantic dreams, impossible expecta- tions, illusions of freedom and power, illusions of safety—and the loss of our own younger self.” —Judith Viorst, Necessary Losses

WHAT ARE SOME COMMON TYPES OF LOSS?

1. Material loss: “What is the most significant material loss you’ve ever experienced?”

2. Relationship loss: “What is the most significant relationship loss you’ve ever experienced?”

3. Intrapsychic loss: “Has the way in which you view yourself changed recently?”

4. Functional loss: “What physical changes have occurred in your life in the past five years that may have been significant losses for you?

5. Role loss: “In what way have any of your roles in life changed?”

6. Systemic loss: “Has any significant person left your life or group recently?

7. Ambiguous loss: “Is there any kind of loss that you’ve experienced that doesn’t make sense or you can’t seem to get any closure over?”

8. Disenfranchised grief: It is the grief that people experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned or socially supported.

81 HOW DO YOU DISCUSS LOSS?

A helpful approach to discovering losses is constructing a “Loss History Time Line.” Ask counselees to draw a horizontal line. On the left-hand side, have them indicate their first conscious memory. As they proceed, have them identi- fy each loss they can remember experiencing, and then have them write down a brief description of the loss, the date of the loss, and the intensity of the loss.

For a sample timeline, consult page 66 in The New Guide to Trauma and Crisis Counseling

HOW DO YOU HELP SOMEONE STRUGGLING WITH LOSS?

We live in a society and culture that has chosen to ignore and avoid two major issues of life—loss and grief. Because of this cultural issue, many of those who are counseled will need to be guided through the process of loss and grief.

Normalize the experience without trivializing their emotions. Help the person to see that with each loss come bitterness, emptiness, apathy, love, anger, guilt, sadness, fear, self-pity, and helplessness. These are normal.

Keep in mind that how and when a loss occurs have an impact upon those you counsel. A loss that is anticipated or gradual has a different effect than a sud- den or unexpected loss.

Sudden loss or sudden death usually leaves the survivor with a sense of unreali- ty that may last a long time. Life is riddled with ‘if only’ ideas. If you need some ideas of questions to ask at this time, consult pages 78-79 in The New Guide to Trauma and Crisis Counseling. Remember the questions are for the purpose of normalizing what they’ve experienced and assisting them to face it head-on.

Making Necessary Changes:

• Change the relationship. First they need to change their relationship with whatever they lost. • Get on with life. Second, the counselee needs to get on with life, which involves several steps—some of which may come as a surprise. • Develop a new relationship. Third, the question must be asked. How can someone develop as new relationship with the one they lost? • Get real. Counselees needs to realize that sometimes when they lose something that has played a significant part in their lives—be it a job or person—their memory of the thing or the person becomes disoriented.

82 WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF GRIEVING OVER A LOSS?

• First, the purpose of grieving over loss is to go beyond one’s reactions in order to face the loss and to work on adapting to it. • Second, the stages of grief that people pass through are normal and can be immediate or postponed, but the underlying principle is that people should be encouraged to do their grief work. • Third, the worst grief is the one a person experiences personally. • Fourth, grief is hard work and should be recognized as such. • Fifth, the purpose of encouraging grief is to bring counselees to the point of making necessary changes, so they can live with their losses in healthy ways.

WHAT ARE ADDITIONAL RESOURCES FOR LOSS COUNSELING?

• For Helping Others Recover From Their Losses in Life: Consult pages 61-109 in The New Guide to Trauma and Crisis Counseling

• For Help Ministering to Children During Loss: Consult pages 329-347 in The New Guide to Trauma and Crisis Counseling

• For Universal Grief and Loss Processes and Responses: Consult pages 29-60 in Bereavement Counseling Pastoral Care for Complicated Grieving

• For Help on the Spiritual Side of Loss: Consult pages 137-171 in Bereavement Counseling Pastoral Care for Complicated Grieving

• For Common Myths Concerning Loss: Consult pages 176-182 in Bereavement Counseling Pastoral Care for Complicated Grieving

• For Loss Focused Therapies: Consult pages 201-203 in Bereavement Counseling Pastoral Care for Complicated Grieving

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