Surface tension Item Type Thesis Authors Bergamino, Jaclyn Download date 29/09/2021 01:44:41 Link to Item http://hdl.handle.net/11122/7317 SURFACE TENSION By Jaclyn Bergamino A Thesis Submitted in Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for the Degree of Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing University of Alaska Fairbanks December 2016 © 2016 Jaclyn Bergamino APPROVED: Daryl Farmer, Committee Chair Sarah Stanley, Committee Member Sean Hill, Committee Member Sine Anahita, Committee Member Rich Carr, Chair of the Department of English Todd Sherman, Dean of the College of Liberal Arts Michael Castellini, Dean of the Graduate School Contents Page Title Page .............................................................................................................................................................. i Contents..............................................................................................................................................................iii The Hush.............................................................................................................................................................. 3 Wingspan ......................................................................................................................................................29 Cycle One...........................................................................................................................................................31 The North Atlantic Laps ...........................................................................................................................39 Elphin, Ireland: 3991.20 Miles from Home.......................................................................................53 Mother of my Motherland .......................................................................................................................80 Burst Tail .......................................................................................................................................................87 Cycle Tw o......................................................................................................................................................... 89 Sequins and Chains .................................................................................................................................. 95 Prague, Czech Republic: 4985.12 Miles from Home....................................................................103 The Hair of His Children ........................................................................................................................ 113 Journey of the Rusalkas .........................................................................................................................120 Cycle Three.................................................................................................................................................... 121 Scarred ........................................................................................................................................................127 Bangkok, Thailand: 9586.78 Miles from Home ............................................................................. 135 ............................................................................................................................................... 153 You can take the girl out of Florida ....................................................................................................157 Cycle Fou r......................................................................................................................................................159 Lion in the Box ..........................................................................................................................................165 Fairbanks, Alaska: 3845.18 Miles from Home ............................................................................... 174 How to Become a Saint: For Girls .......................................................................................................187 Arctic Aubade ........................................................................................................................................... 190 The Eye............................................................................................................................................................193 Everything Comes Back Around ............................................................................................................. 203 Works Cited ...................................................................................................................................................275 iii iv “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” --Maya Angelou 1 2 The Hush 3 4 I'm eating lionfish and bat moths. Since I've been home, I haven't been able to eat anything else. I can't help myself. My body must need something from them. My mother tells me that I should eat more things from the land: vegetables, chicken, anything. She warns that I am going to turn into a fish or a moth. You are what you eat, she says. She means it as a bad thing, but I wish it were true. Maybe if I just ate enough of them, I could turn into a big, venomous fish with monstrous black wings, half night-butterfly, half invasive species. A manta ray flying through water or swimming through air. Instead, I just swell. There is a hurricane approaching. It is quiet and tense outside, as if everything is holding its breath. The casuarina trees stand completely still and the wind doesn't blow. The cape we are on looks like a photograph of itself, frozen and timeless. My mother nods toward my belly, which is bulging and pregnant. 5 “Maybe we'll have a new mermaid for my birthday,” she smiles and raises her eyebrows. She believes that she is a mermaid, and by extension her daughters and granddaughters as well. I look away and do not answer. “Or maybe a little Houdini,” she suggests. I glare at her, wondering if this is an admonishment. She is referring to the way that I seem to “escape” the trap of Florida, how I have built a life being as far from home as possible. I refuse to speak. I have said nothing since I've returned. She just smiles. The whole family is in town for her sixtieth birthday party, which has now turned into a hurricane party as well. My mother couldn't be more pleased. “It's only a category three,” she had said when people asked if the party was still on. “And we have room enough for everyone to stay.” We've all been through threes before and even though the land that the house sits on juts out into the water, the house is concrete, big and solid, and most of it is raised on stilts. To her, it was an excuse to turn her birthday party into a slumber party. “Just the ocean celebrating, too!” she said. I showed up on the doorstep a few hours ago, so disconnected that I knew nothing of a hurricane and had forgotten it was her birthday. I'd been avoiding it, coming home. The air was heavy, wet with ocean and the heat made everything undulate like waves. The ocean beckoned, telling me that if I just went out as far as I could and let go, that would make everything go away. 6 They were not expecting me, and certainly not like this. I have been gone for years. I came home not because I wanted to but because I saw no other choice. I have been carrying too much. I set the suitcase down on the step. It was heavy; “Excess baggage,” the airline had deemed. The pack on my back dug into my shoulders. I could no longer secure it around my waist, so the entirety of its weight rested on my back. It was my sister who opened the door. She stood silent for a moment, waiting for me to say something. I just pressed my lips tighter. She moved aside. “Mom,” she called. “Lux!” my mother said as she came into view. Her smile was big; she must have thought I was there to surprise her for her birthday. In reality, I just had nowhere else to go. As she took in the whole sight of me, the smile slid off her face. It was never my intention to come home. I've been gone my whole adult life. My distance from home is how I measure my accomplishments. Alaska. Ireland. The Czech Republic. Thailand. The farther, the better. For a long time, I just tried not to think about it, but after so many years of carrying this belly, I knew something was wrong, that this was not just a pregnancy. The weight of that along with the backpack and suitcase became more than I could carry alone. I needed my mother. But of course, I came home to find more than just my mother. As she ushered me inside, it was clear that my timing could not have been worse. “Look who's here!” My mother said to the crowd that had already formed for her birthday. She moved out of the doorway to make room for the bulk of me, my suitcase and my belly. As I stepped inside, my grandmother turned from the kitchen counter, “Lux!” 7 My three aunts, who were each set up chopping onions, potatoes, garlic, gathered round me, all still holding their knives. “It's such a good time for you to come!” my mother said. “Everyone will be here.” She talked excitedly, barely stopping for breaths, “Sit down. You must be exhausted. Let us get your luggage.” My Aunt Kristi took my suitcase and my Aunt Karolyn took my backpack. “In her room,” my mother directed. Aunt Kim hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek, “What a surprise!” I could feel the tears welling up and I could not look anyone in the eye. They