Lucncuo the Requirements for the Degree V.Z
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A ROAD OF HER OWN t f S A Written Creative Work submitted to the faculty of San Francisco State University 1 G \ ? In partial fulfillment of lUCnCuO the requirements for the Degree V.Z Master of Fine Arts In Creative Writing by Kimberly Marie Gomes San Francisco, California January 2019 232 “It’s okay, Mira. Go ahead. I’ll save some dessert for you later if you want any.” Jim grabbed the rest of Mira’s hot dog before she even left the table and shoved it in his mouth. “Geeze, somebody’s hungry,” Lorraine said, coaxing his arm. He squeezed the thick of her thigh. Something just didn’t feel right. “She’s been acting strange every since we drove up.” I pushed my plate out towards Lorraine. “She rarely acts out on trips. How was she last time she was here?” Lorraine took a swig of beer and slammed it to the table a bit louder than necessary. “She seemed fine to me. The girl’s growing. You remember how your emotions were back then? It’s just puberty pains.” Jim got up and cracked another beer. “Are we just going to sit here and dwell over this pouty kid, or are we going to enjoy ourselves? Whose up for Jim Rummy? We can wager with shots.” Lorraine laughed, hopping from her chair to his lap. “I’m going to go talk with Mira.” “Oh just let her be,” Lorraine said. 233 I found her down at the neighbor’s dock. The thing that struck me was she wasn’t looking out at the lake. Her back was to it. Instead, she was gazing up at the stain glass windows of the neighbor’s home. A giant red sun arched across the translucent wall. The real sun setting behind her. She saw me coming, offered a little grin, like she wanted me there, but didn’t really want to show it. I sat behind her. “You want a chair,” I said outstretching my arms for her to lean back on. She reclined, resting her hand in my lap, fixing her gaze to the sky. “What’s going on, honey? What’s bothering you?” She stayed quiet. “Come on, Mira. I know something’s up. Something happen at school?” “No.” “Well, do you want to talk about it?” “No.” “So, something is wrong?” “Everything’s fine.” A thin sheet of water welled across her eyes. 234 I put my thumbs to her temples and softly rubbed back and forth. A little thing I’d started when she was just a baby. It always soothed her no matter where we were. A thread of steady amidst constant change. The sun started creeping beneath the mountains. The temperature dipped to a harsh chill. She shivered. I rubbed her arms. “I don’t like Jim,” she said, low and sharp. My stomach contorted. I could feel my nostrils flaring, storm clouds swelling in my chest. “Why?” “I just don’t like him. Can we leave tomorrow? I don’t want to stay anymore.” “It’s only been two days.” “Mom, please. I promise, I’ll never ask for anything again. Can I just go home?” Home. To me, home was parked out front of the cabin. To her, it was back in San Francisco. If there was ever any question about it, it was clarified right there. “Why don’t you like Jim?” 235 “Can we just go home? I mean what’s the big deal? Why do we have to be here just because Lorraine wants to be here? We’re not even real family. Why do I have go everywhere and act like we’re one.” My heart sank in my gut. It was the first time I’d ever heard her say anything like that. “Honey, we are a family. I know we’re not the typical looking one, but we love each other, don’t we? And we’re there for each other, aren’t we? “Lorraine doesn’t care about us, Mom. She just cares about Jim. I don’t know how I’m the only one who gets that.” She pulled herself up off my lap, crossing her arms. “Mira, what is going on with you?” “I just don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to keep pretending I want to be places just because other people want to be there. I’m sick of it.” “Okay, okay.” I rubbed her back. “We can leave tomorrow if it means that much to you. I’ll talk to Lorraine, okay?” She breathed in heavy. “Fine.” 236 I combed my hands through her hair. She let me. “You never answered. Why don’t you like Jim?” I could feel the back of her chest rising against my palms faster and faster by the second as I braided the tips of her hair. “I just don’t like being around him.” Gut flipped again. “Why?” “He’s just gross. I just don’t want to be around him anymore.” “Is there anything else to it?” “No. What else would there be to it?” Her voice started to crack. “You sure?” “Mom, can we just drop it? 1 don’t like him okay? I’m allowed to not like people. I allowed to want to go home.” I’d never felt that way before, felt the surging fire rip through my chest, all the while knowing I needed to look soft, feel soft, be tender for her in that moment. I pressed 237 her close, squeezing her tight. A tear rolled down the side of her cheek and landed on my arm. “We’ll leave first thing in the morning.” “Can we sleep in Sunshine tonight?” she said, turning her head towards me for the first time. Her eyes were wide and glassy. I knew right then I would kill Jim. “Of course. Why don’t you watch the sun set and then go get settled in there? I’m going to go talk to Jim and Lorraine for a bit.” “Mom, just don’t make a big deal out of it, okay? Just tell them I don’t feel well or something. Please? It’s not a big deal.” “Of course.” When I walked up the steep driveway I felt what it was like to have everything strip out of you in one sweeping moment. To feel regret balloon in your belly for every second you weren’t there when you should’ve been. To feel wildfire rush from one vein to the other. To feel strong enough to kill. There was a small wooden plank leaning against the basement door. I picked it up in and slammed open the front door. When I came in Lorraine and Jim were lying on the couch his lips against her neck. 238 I swung the wooden plank, swiping a framed photo of Jim dangling fish against the wall. “What the fuck did you do to my daughter, Jim?” Jim shot up, neck cocked back to wall. “Are you crazy? What the fuck do you think you’re doing? You’re in my god damn house.” “Gigi, are you nuts?! What the hell?” Lorraine yelled, jumping up from the couch. “This pervert motherfucker did something to my daughter.” “I didn’t do shit you crazy bitch.” I swung the plank again, this time crashing against his beer bottle. “What the fuck did you do to my kid?” “She’s a little liar, Gigi. Kids make up stories all the god damn time. I didn’t do shit.” “What’s she talking about, Jim?” Lorraine turned towards him, shoulders slumping. “Are you serious? You too?” 239 “What’s she talking about, Jim?” Lorraine’s voice deepened. “How am I supposed to know? Clearly the girl and her mom are fucking crazy.” “Lorraine, we’re leaving in the morning. We’re going to sleep down the road tonight. I don’t want to be near this motherfucker. I know you did something, you creepy son of bitch. And the moment she has the courage to say, I am calling the cops on your ass.” “Fuck you. Get the hell out of my house.” Jim jolted up, spreading his shoulders wide. Lorraine fell silent, head drooping to the floor. That night I held Mira the whole night, the way we used to when she was a child. I realized that night she still was in many ways. She still needed me in moments I wouldn’t know about until later. I tried subtly and not so subtly to get it out of her. To have her say what happened, because I knew something happened. But every time she just got colder and colder. Each time her eyes watered less and stiffened more. I knew the moment had changed her and I felt so like achingly empty, like all of the mothers in the parking lots, 240 on the col de sac, maybe they were right. Maybe I wasn’t fit to be a mother. But I think at one point or another, every woman feels that way. After awhile I think we both tried to tuck Donner away, but it’s impossible to forget. After that summer, I couldn’t tear her away from her camera if I tried. She talked a lot of less and photographed a lot more. She asked to get a summer job and spend much of her free time there, socking away cash in her the coffee can I gave her. She started looking into scholarships for college even though she was three years from graduation day.