The Undergraduate Magazine Vol. VI, No. 7 | November 14, 2005

Sportsaholics Anonymous Welcome Back Potter! One-Sided Rivalry Late for Class? Adam, Brian and Tim satisfy your Rob reviews “Harry Potter and the Joanne on Penn’s obsession with beating Adam runs down Locust Walk. How athletic appetite. Goblet of Fire”. Princeton. come you’re strolling? Page 4 Page 6 Page 11 Page 12

SOUND ADVICE MARIAN LEE NO CASH, JUST PLASTIC MY FAIR AMY The Body Worlds Exhibit Lunch with the President CHRISTINE CHEN | TEMPEST IN A TEAPOT ROB FORMAN | MY 13-INCH BOX I ASKED HIM a Franklin Institute Science Museum. The ON MONDAY, when she was Provost at Princeton Univer- question to which exhibition will be in Philadelphia until April November 4th, sity. She actually does care what we think. there was no right 23, 2006 and is $24.95 a ticket. I had never I had the privi- The first task of the session was to inform answer. And I did heard of it before, but apparently it’s “kind lege of spend- Penn students about her policy initiatives. To this knowingly, of a big deal.” Body Worlds is under a lot of ing an hour read more about these, in all their detailed but I couldn’t criticism and controversy. It has caught the with Penn glory, visit http://www.upenn.edu/president/ help myself. Some attention of anti-abortionists, waving their President Amy The only one of these new policies-slash- might say it was a pitchforks—I mean, picket signs—around, Gutmann. The goals that truly affects current undergradu- mean thing to do, but what else is new. occasion? I’m ates is the interdisciplinary initiative, which but I say that it I went into it knowing very little about still in the dark strives to bring in new faculty who bridge couldn’t be helped because human nature en- what I was about to step into, and I might about that. But fields. Many students take classes outside of courages this sort of livid behavior in the form add, was dragged into going. Preserved plas- there was lunch—ample amounts of free Cosí their majors—and many of my friends taking of steaming heaps of philosophical shit, in ticized bodies in poses? No thanks. Making sandwiches and baked goods—and approxi- at least one minor you’d never expect from copious amounts of course. The tiny buzzing matters worse, the weather was not cooperat- mately 14 other students. I didn’t know what their major/specialty/concentration—and part of it was that I didn’t even know what I ing. It was yet another cold and rainy week- to expect. Had my fraternity brothers finally this could be useful for students looking to wanted to hear, what words could have left his end, and generally a terrible day to (partially) gotten fed up with my incessant world domi- combine their interests. mouth to make it better. I suppose life has no walk to the museum. Not to mention the nation schemes and gotten the powers that be In addition, we spoke about independent right answer either, so why bother questioning smell of wet subway mixed with urine doesn’t involved? Was this some brain trust of Penn’s student research, or more specifically the lack it? To question life is a self destructive folly exactly make me jump for joy. Actually, in most prominent student leaders—and I had of awareness of its availability. Uh, it is avail- in itself. It is maddening. It only makes the light of the recent Septa strike, I might prefer somehow been included on an oversight? able, and President Gutmann was eager to blank spaces stark against the backdrop, it that odiferous combination over waiting in a The answer to both unnecessary and exclaim her excitement about the many can- makes us realize that there is something that cab in traffic while the shady carrot-topped space-filling questions is a straight forward, didates for various fellowships. Check out is lacking in our lives that we fear we may cabby picks up ladies, giving them free front in your face “no”. My fellows students were CURF for more information. The potential never attain. Needless to say I didn’t like his seat rides. from all walks of undergraduate life: fresh- for thesis advisors who can pull knowledge answer, and the more he elaborated the more Imagine my surprise when there was a men through seniors, college students, engi- from different fields could be a great boon for I wanted to cover my eyes and close my ears huge line to get into Body Worlds. After ex- neers, Whartonites… and I believe a nursing students looking to do cross-field research, and block him out and kick myself for even tensive analysis, interviews, and chart mak- student as well. My moderately repressed and would definitely help Penn students having the audacity to ask such a Moebius ing, I concluded that there are two general re- marketing research class leaped up from the stand out. strip of a riddle. This was getting us nowhere sponses to the exhibit. Response 1: This is so dark recesses of my mind; I had walked into The real meat, so to speak, of the lun- fast. Like the Carpenters song my mom loves cool/amazing/beautiful! Response 2: This is a focus group. cheon was the Q&A. I took the opportunity to misquote, and that I will continue to mis- wrong/unnecessary/disgusting! In all seriousness, though, lunch with to ask about the planned use for the Postal quote with her: “Some things are better left Over 300 deceased people were used. President Gutmann was a great experience. Lands (recall a somewhat negative editorial a unsaid.”—Excerpted from the Carnival Death Entire bodies were posed with themes such as Essentially, she wanted to get student opin- few issues back). The fear, expressed by oth- Party Diary, Volume II of “L’Original 1980s dancer, teacher, hurdler, or a man holding his ions about some of her new policies and her er students in the group as well, was that it Deco Art Lock Book” skin dangling in front of him like it was a coat, plans for the future of Penn, while also getting would detract from Penn’s campus-within-a- Last month, I visited Gunther von Ha- while isolated organs and organ systems were student feedback on the current student life city feel, one of many things that makes Penn gens’ Body Worlds: The Anatomical Exhi- encased in glass. All of the specimens used and atmosphere through an open Q&A. Re- stand out physically from other universities. bition of Real Human Bodies exhibit at the Continued on PAGE 5 member, Gutmann was huge with students Continued on PAGE 9 PAGE 2 NOVEMBER 14, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. VI NO. 7 FirstCall Editorial Vol. VI, No. 7 | November 14, 2005 The Undergraduate Magazine BITTERSWEET CHARITY Editor-in-Chief Last week’s riots outside World Café Live were dreadful, shocking, and debauched. But Robert Forman let’s face it: they were pretty freakin’ cool. Editors No, we’re not condoning violence, or belligerence, or even getting arrested. But think Andrew Pederson about it. 600 Penn Students. One double-door. Police officers waving handcuffs and night- Lauren Saul sticks above their heads. Chaos. Mayhem. Beautiful. Assistant Editors It’s unfortunate that some people got hurt, arrested, and even cut in line. But when Shira Bender you think about the underlying causes for these events, it kind of makes sense. Penn Anna Stetsovskaya students simply don’t have enough outlets for their pent-up street rage. All those hours Columnists watching MTV’s Making the Band with Diddy combined with unchecked coffee addictions, Shira Bender untouched term papers, and unstudied midterm exams add up to some pretty hefty stress- Christine Chen bombs surreptitiously lurking beneath the surface of seemingly benign and innocuous Robert Forman Adam Goldstein underclassmen. Little did you know that the smartly dressed Whartonite marching down Mickey Jou Locust like he’s got a porcupine in heat stuffed in the back of his Scooby Doo boxers is Andrew Pederson actually a riotous insurgent waiting for the right moment to explode. He’s just hoping for Lauren Saul Thuy Tran some opportunity, some perfect moment, to let out his wrath on a convenient target, like, say, a police officer. And then: Yes! A charity event! Too many people! Too little space! Start Writers the revolution!! Kelly Cataldo Ale Jackson Seriously, though. We feel bad for all those who were forced to wait outside the venue and Brian Levy put up with sweaty, aggressive, and impatient, yet charitable, individuals. We also feel bad Timothy Potens for the officer who got punched in the chest, and the students who got kicked in the balls. Adreyo Sen Liz Thomas It’s sad, really, that such a fine institution of higher learning, home to the Quakers—pacifists Joanne Yuan by nature, apparently—breeds such unruly and mutinous behavior as witnessed by several video-capturing cell phones outside the Café. According to the Daily Pennsylvanian, “the Artists Shira Bender ‘unruly’ crowd was pushing and shoving and refusing to back away from the doors when asked Stephanie Craven by police and bouncers to disperse.” Really, what was so extraordinarily remarkable about Shelby Prindaville the Big Man On Campus philanthropy event that instilled such urgency and determination Photographers in those who were “pushing and shoving and refusing to back away”? What was the event Robert Forman even raising money for? It was probably an extremely worthy cause, but apparently, Alpha Marian Lee Chi Omega, the hosts of the event, plan on refunding people’s ticket money if they didn’t get Layout Editor into the event itself due to the “riots”. When you’re only willing to pay if you actually get some Krystal Godines entertainment out of it, is that even charity anymore? Is that why students were so pissed off? I am NOT leaving this street corner until I get my money’s worth! No way, no how! Layout Assistants Amanda Tay What? Prison?! But I’m a good goddamn person, goddamnit!! I GIVE TO CHARITY! Hopefully, we will all learn a lesson from the incident outside World Café Live. Next time Marketing Manager you’re feeling stressed, buy yourself a punching bag, paint your intolerable TA’s face on the Leah Karasik front, and DON’T be a philanthropist. At least not when everyone else wants to be one at Advertising Staff the same time. Ruchi Desai

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Editorial Policy First Call is the undergraduate maga- zine of The University of Pennsylvania. First Call is published every Monday. Our mission is to provide members of the community an open forum for ex- pressing ideas and opinions. We are committed to a policy of non-censor- ship. Articles are provided by regular columnists and writers and are chosen for publication based on the quality of writing. Outside of the weekly editorial, no article represents the opinion of First Call, its editorial board, or individual members. No content in First Call unless otherwise stated represents the official position of the administration, faculty, or student body at large of the Wharton School or the University of Pennsylvania.

Shelby Prindaville is a sophomore in the College. You can write to her at shelbyp@sas. NOVEMBER 14, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. VI NO. 7 PAGE 3 DRINK TO YOUR HEALTH! BY KELLY CATALDO IT IS IMPOSSIBLE to quantify the number ing-after brunch. of things that can go wrong during a night Red Bull I personally prefer Diet, with of heavy drinking. Some common anecdotes only 10 calories per serving and a less syrupy amongst college students include personal consistency. One can of the stuff provides injury, illness and hospital stay, incarceration, some whopping Recommended Daily Allow- loss of credit card/cell phone/identification ances: 100% of Niacin, 80% of Vitamin B12, (legal and otherwise), and perhaps worst of 250% of Vitamin B6 and 50% of Pantothenic all, loss of dignity. In spite of all these “poten- acid. These vitamins, part of the B-complex, tial detractors,” students have always and will are essential for the normal functioning of the always continue to drink. Unknowingly, col- digestive tract, skin, and nerve cells. Inflamed lege-age drinkers may actually benefit from skin, digestive problems, mental impairment, their bacchanal ways. anemia, depression, frequent infection, fa- College students tend to eat foods that tigue and a host of other problems charac- are rich in calories but not dense in nutrients. terize deficiencies. Red Bull may in fact be a As a consequence, it is quite easy to develop good dietary supplement for Vegetarians and a vitamin deficiency, likely minor, if one does people who do not eat many animal products not eat fresh produce and a well balanced in their diet because these foods are one of the diet. Some of these deficiencies are more ex- only sources of the Vitamin B complex. Red treme: Barbara Hermreck1, a registered dieti- Bull’s flavor may require some adjusting to at cian with the Lawrence Memorial Hospital first, but so does the taste of pure gin, vodka, in Lawrence, KS., reported a case of a college rum et cetera. Red Bull’s unique taste is in fact student developing scurvy. His diet consisted a perfect counterpart for the unpleasant smell of “cheese, crackers, soft drinks and cookies.” and taste of alcohol. Not to mention it gives Accordingly, he suffered weakness, joint pain, you the caffeine to keep going all night long. bleeding gums, and skin that bruised easily, Tonic Water This last one may be a bit of a all caused by a Vitamin C deficiency. Scurvy stretch, but quinine, found in most tonic wa- is typically associated with colonial times in ter, has been used as a cure for malaria. You which sea-faring crews (pirates and navies would have to consume a lot of tonic water alike) did not have access to fresh fruit or veg- to fight off this mosquito-borne disease, but I etables for months, or even years at a time. feel like after a couple sink-or-swims I would This is about the same period that elapses be- be ready for anything swampy locales wanted tween when the average college student eats a to throw at me. fresh fruit or vegetable. Yet Dr. Hermreck ar- In sum, you can use certain mixers to gues that as little as one glass of orange juice make your binge drinking mean more than could have prevented the student’s Vitamin C having to avoid certain people on Locust deficiency. I now turn to an evaluation of the Walk. I am not exactly sure if the negative healthful benefits of orange juice, and other effects of alcohol (especially in leading to mixers, in the fight against scurvy and other liver cirrhosis) outweigh the positive effects potential ailments. outlined here. I am sure, however, that every Mixers are the heavy drinker’s first line open bar will present a new challenge. Name- of defense against a hangover. By drinking a ly, to see how quickly I can down my 5-a-day mixed drink instead of taking shots, the im- serving of fruits and vegetables. And I finally biber provides more fluid to his Krebs cycles, put my parents $15k to good use: I learned which facilitate the conversion of glucose into something valuable, albeit about drinking, energy; this process is inhibited by dehydra- this semester in the College. tion. Mixed drinks also give the body more sponsored by the National Kidney Founda- regimen. time to process the alcohol as it enters the di- tion. Cranberry juice has long been touted as Tomato Juice Usually treated as a hair- Sources gestive tract. a natural cure for Urinary Tract Infections; of-the-dog remedy, this humble Bloody Mary [1. Reuters Health Information, 2003- The mixers themselves may have salubri- this old-wives-tale has recently been scien- mixer can do a lot for you. One 8-ounce glass 01-22] ous effects: tifically confirmed. It is believed that the pro- is a full serving of vegetables (take that, scur- [2. BBC News, June 28 2001] Orange Juice Orange juice provides a full anthocyandins present in natural cranberry vy!). It also contains Vitamin A, C and Lyco- [3. www.Lycopene.org] daily dose of many nutrients. These nutrients, juice help to inhibit the growth of bacteria, pene, a powerful antioxidant that may reduce [4. www.v8juice.com] particularly Folate and Vitamin C, are essen- such as E. coli, promoting the health of the the risk of lung, bladder, cervix and skin can- tial to immune system health. You can also kidneys, bladder and entire urinary tract2. If cer3. If your drink is mixed with V8, you get buy orange juice that is calcium fortified for you buy the new “Light” cranberry juice (only the added nutritional benefits of Vitamin E, an extra boost to your bone health as you slug 40 calories per 8 ounce serving), the bottle is Potassium, and Magnesium, which help cell back another o.j.-vodka. additionally sponsored by the National Dia- damage, heart rhythm and nerve function, re- 4 Cranberry Juice The bottle of Ocean betes Association. You should definitely try to spectively . I think it will be fairly difficult to Kelly Ctaldo is a junior in the College. You can Spray currently sitting in my fridge is actually fit at least one cosmo into the night’s drinking turn down this beverage at your next morn- write to her at kcataldo@sas. I WAS BORN IN A SMALL TOWN BY LIZ THOMAS PHILADELPHIA - THE CITY of brotherly Run-and-Shoot, Texas & Ding-Dong, Texas: love you honey. No no no! Stop crying. Angus: So to be normal, we all have to be love. We’re a big city though, aren’t we? And Lookee here, boy, this is how we run things You’re so much more than a broken condom like YOU? There are 400 people in this room we’re fat – fourth fattest in the country to be in the town of Ding-Dong. Those la di da and a bottle of Jack. Yeah, you were born 28 who are NOTHING like you, Rick! Some exact. We’re a big, fat city. The end of the bastards over at run-and-shoot might get all years after the rest of your siblings. So what. of them are fat, some of them are skinny. SEPTA strike quickly doused all remaining riled up about pig chunkin’ and all that bally And you have an abnormally large head. Ok. Some of them are short, some of them are hope that somehow Philly would whittle it- hoo, but, dammit, we have nothing if not So it’s a speed bump. But don’t even think tall. Some of them have braces, some of them self down to all-systems-go halter status, at dignity. Now let us solemnly ring our sym- about trying to blame me for the webbed have birth marks, or scars, or frizzy hair, or least temporarily – like Britney did. bolic town bell. [DING DONG.] feet. That’s all you, sweetheart. Yes, you do ears that stick out! Ok, bad example. But at its heart, Philly 3. Waldo, Florida: OH MY GOD. We look like a duck when you run. No, not a 10. Climax, Michigan: Let’s end on a is big-boned. We’re over a million and a found him! pretty duck. Not a pretty duck at all. high note. And with a piece of lyrical in- half, and no one’s going anywhere. This 4. Beaverlick, Kentucky: In this state, we 7. Paradise, Michigan: [Matlock staggers spiration. As R. Kelly says in his acclaimed isn’t exactly Main Street. You can’t talk to can’t really be sure which meaning to use, in, reeking of cheap gin]. I refer the court to anthem to women’s rights, entitled “I Like the neighbors; they probably peed on your can we? We want to believe one thing. Well Exhibit A on the map: Paradise, Michigan. the Crotch on You”: Girl I like those daisy shrubbery. You can’t sit on your front porch; actually we don’t. And the alternative is un- But ladies and gentlemen of the jury, observe dukes on you/Girl you look so fine, I wanna the neighbors will probably pee on you. attractive as well. Hmm. [Odysseus strolls also the following: get with you/So tell me who’s your man/We Let’s return for a time, to a halcyon image in] “Yes, yes, very good. This reminds me 8. Hell, Michigan: Aha! So you see now. will have a talk with him.” Oh yes, R. We will of small-town America - that glorified haven of a time when I had to decide about pass- My clever and deductive reasoning has have that talk. of narrow-mindedness, overalls, expired ing between Scylla and Charybdis. Yes, very struck again! Tee hee. How can these two Composing this list was like watching Pabst, and really really weird names that the tough decision. Very tough indeed. Well! polar entities exist within the same state? Maury Povich reruns: It’s nice to know that big cities wouldn’t dare call themselves. The [rubs palms together nervously] Good luck They cannot! Thus, in conclusion, Michigan somewhere out there, people live in a town following is a list of the strangest small town with that. [Begins to edge out the door]. is, in fact, not a state. In fact I would go so far with a name that sounds like a baby spit up names I could find, in an extensive fifteen Yes...something about a pot I left burning on as to say that it does not exist at all. Give me on it, probably shacking up with their cousin- minute online search. Face it: you were born the...Ok. Bye.” back my pretty pills! lovers, and probably in trailers. Just imagine in a small town. You’re gonna die in a small 5. Starbuck, Washington: Mommy, why 9. Chunky, Mississippi: Angus: I could if Philadelphia’s name was Licksmack or Egg- town. You might as well read on: are we burning that lady on the stick? “Well, beat you RIGHT here, RIGHT now! But I nog-crate. [Cringe] We certainly wouldn’t be 1. Loogootee, Indiana: (name courtesy honey, remember what mommy said about DON’T WANT to be better than you, Rick! known for our cheese steaks; that’s for sure. of Sean Preston Spears). Alternative names the *good* color?” Yes, mommy. “She wasn’t I DON’T WANT to be better than ANY- In the end, though, names aren’t everything, were: “Boooopaaaa Pooo oh please Jesus get wearing her green apron yesterday, and that BODY! I just want to be who I AM: a FAT and a public service announcement paid me me out of this searing hellhole Wheeeee Oooo means GOD HATES HER.” But mommy, kid, who’s good at science, and fair at foot- to tell you that. please make that man with bad white corn- why don’t they just set her on fire to burn ball. That’s who I AM! I can LIVE with rows stop trying to rap at me about burning her? “Because espresso is God’s wrath in liq- that. Why can’t you? Rick: Because it’s bitches’ prenups Maaa.” uid form.” not normal. YOU’RE not normal. Angus: Liz Thomas is a senior in the College. You can 2. 3-Way Tie: Cut-and-Shoot, Texas & 6. Accident, Maryland: You know we And who is? You? Rick: You bet your ass. write to her at ecthomas@sas. PAGE 4 NOVEMBER 14, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. VI NO. 7 THE WHITE SOX WON, BUT I DON’T CARE ADAM GOLDSTEIN | NO JOY IN MUDVILLE WATCHING THE Chi- lifetime, of the three DC teams I support (Orioles, Wizards, explanation was a longing to feel attached to the outcome of cago White Sox sweep Capitals), only the Caps have reached a championship series. a game I otherwise had no interest in, even if this attachment the Houston Astros to And they were swept. I can count the number of times those was realized in the demoralization of an imagined foe. Em- win the World Series clubs went deep into the playoffs on one hand. The fact is, barrassed and ashamed at what I had become, I turned off left me feeling achingly when your team is mired in mediocrity for so long, that emo- Baseball Tonight and went to sleep. empty. Don’t get me tional bond that exists between you and the club begins to rot. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that, among passionate wrong, there is always There’s nothing you can do about it. Believe me, I empathize sports fans, our relationship with the games and our teams something refreshing with fans of the Cards, Pacers, and Eagles who each year find often is indicative of the current states of our own lives. Like and reaffirming about their teams on the cusp of victory, only to watch them come up most of my classmates staring face to face at the lecherous witnessing grown men short time and again. Certainly this form of repetitive failure beast known as “life after college”, I find myself scared, lost, hugging and crying wears on the soul, frays the spirit. But even this incessant dis- and confused. Broke, unsure of where I will live, and hav- after triumphing in a appointment works to hone the emotions and keep the pas- ing just learned that my English degree holds as much sway game we all played as sion intact, even if the fan is left a pessimistic malcontent at to potential employers as a GED, I’ve been struggling to see children. Add to that the unpacking of the emotional baggage the start and end of each season. the glass half full. Likewise, as we enter the limbo that exists that the Sox and their fans had carried for nearly a hundred So, I find myself waiting. Not for a championship, but for between the end of the baseball season and the beginning of years, and you simply couldn’t help but want to raise your glass excitement, horror, shock, happiness, disgust. Something. the basketball and hockey seasons, hope is hardly bountiful to the folks from the South Side. At the same time though, I’d Anything. Sometimes I fear that my relocation to a distant for District sports fans. The Caps are struggling, the Wiz lost be lying if I said that the nagging pain of jealousy wasn’t leav- and foreign city after graduation might undermine my already Larry Hughes to free agency, and the O’s just finished fourth in ing me feeling rotten inside. As much as I told myself that the corrupted allegiances. One day you notice a Yankees win in the division for the 42nd straight year. And yet, with the gen- fans from Boston and Chicago deserved every ounce of plea- the box scores and feel a tinge of satisfaction, the next you’re esis of each new season comes a fresh opportunity to dream sure that they had derived from their title runs the last two sporting a Jeter jersey. Yes, these are the types of nightmares of glory. Why else would we shell out thousands of dollars years, I never really believed it. I wanted to feel that eruption I find myself experiencing during my trying days as a sports for tickets and satellite packages to see perennially mediocre of unfettered joy that comes from investing yourself in a team fan. Already, I notice disturbing transformations in the way I clubs? Similarly, in regards to the stress that many of my fel- for 6 months and then watching them take the title. Hell, I react to sporting events. When Brad “in for a long off-season low seniors will experience in these next harrowing months, would’ve even settled for being in the position of the ‘Stros of therapy” Lidge blew his second save in as many chances, the only productive thing we can do is hold out hope for suc- faithful. At least their boys left them feeling something, even costing the Astros game one of the World Series, I involuntary cess in this next season of the game of life. Hell, if the Red Sox in defeat. But to never have even been in the mix? That just ran across the hall to rub the defeat in the face of the Houston and White Sox can win consecutive World Series titles, than leaves you numb. native who lived there. As I walked back to my room in the anything really is possible. I’ve lamented in this space before about the unprecedent- wake of the expletives being hurled at me by said ‘Stros fan, ed futility of professional sports teams from the Washing- I realized what an asshole I had been. What had caused to ton-Metropolitan area during the last two decades. I won’t me take on the mantle of “obnoxious itinerant sports fan”, a Adam Goldstein is a senior in the College. You can write to him at bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that during my character I had hitherto come to despise? The only logical adamsg@sas. DONNIE FEROCIOUS PHILLY FANS BASEBALL’S Fierce or Funny? BY TIM POTENS

HALL OF SOMETIME DURING THE middle of last soon. I figure that has something to do with own Franklin Field, we booed Santa. week it finally happened. Andy Reid, head why I don’t watch the Sixers all that much. Sometimes, in the worst of situations, coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, reached Sure, the players we’ve seen in Philadel- things get a little physical. A few years ago, FAME WOES his breaking point with wide receiver Terrell phia haven’t exactly been a selection of the an inebriated fan at a Flyers game decided BY BRIAN LEVY Owens and declared to the news media that most upstanding citizens—I don’t even have to lean over the glass of the penalty box and NOW THAT DREAMS of Justice Miers are T.O. would no longer be playing with the time to catalogue some of the arrests—but dump his drink on Toronto Maple Leafs play- buried and forgotten, it’s time to examine the Eagles this season. Early last week, former the stereotype Philly gets for being a city of er Tie Domi. Domi turned and squirted his most serious nomination ever put before the Eagle Hugh Douglas talked with Owens and bad sportsmanship is usually attributed to the water back, and the fan’s friend climbed onto American people. As a New Jersey resident, I tried to get him to back off from some of his fans. Philly sports fans are some of the most the glass to yell at Domi. He fell in, and Domi closely watched him while growing up. Over more critical statements against his hit him with a couple of quick punches. his career, President Bush has spent a lot of teammates and the coaching staff. Now I think Tie Domi is just about my time evaluating this man. It is high time that Instead, Douglas and T.O. got in a least favorite player in the NHL, and we put Don Mattingly in the Hall of Fame. fistfight, and Owens was immedi- I scream as loud as anyone else when Don Mattingly has two major strikes ately suspended for four games. Donald Brashear, the Flyers’ current against him. This being a column about Now even though T.O.’s current “enforcer”, fights him, but that idiot baseball, that seems to still be OK to me, but attack on team chemistry is relatively who climbed on the glass got what was his two strikes happen to be longevity and los- new, his persistently bad sportsman- coming to him. ing. Don Mattingly retired young, at 34, and ship has been seen all around the But don’t gasp in shock now; it gets never went to a World Series. NFL. If you remember, this is the guy better. In 1997 the Phillies drafted one Players earn their Hall of Fame status who stomped on the Dallas Cowboy’s of the top prospects in the country, J.D. over the course of their careers. The length logo after scoring against them, and Drew. Drew and his agent—the infa- of a successful career is important to pre- pulled a Sharpie from his sock to mous Scott Boras, I don’t even want vent flash-in-the-pans (Kevin Maas, Keith sign a ball after a touchdown, among to think about this guy—demanded Foulke, Adrian Beltre, Troy Glaus, etc.) from many, many other instances of show- a contract of $10 million (that’s for a entry. The best examples of players entering manship. This minor bad conduct is rookie,) and, not surprisingly, the Phil- the Hall of Fame through sheer longevity are tolerable to a degree, and the Eagles lies didn’t sign him. Needless to say Eddy Murray and prospectively Raphael Pal- were perfectly willing to tolerate it Phillies’ fans were angry, but mostly at meiro. when they signed Owens. In fact, if Drew for not coming here. So, Drew Another way to get your golden ticket is to there is anything that the sporting signed with the St. Louis Cardinals be dominant. Sandy Koufax pitched for just teams of Philadelphia—and basically the next year, and when the Cardinals 11 seasons and 314 starts. You can compare the entire city—are known for, it’s came to Philadelphia, the fans were a him to other Hall of Fame pitchers of his era: bad sportsmanship. little mad. During the very first game, Juan Marichal (15 years/457), Warren Spahn The teams here in Philly have with Drew in center field, the crowd (21/665), Don Drysdale (14/465), Jim Bun- seen a stream of disgruntled play- booed, and a few fans threw batteries ning (17/519), Gaylord Perry (22/690), and ers who have wrecked team chemis- at him, provoking a PA announcement Bob Gibson (17/482). But over those 11 years, try and have soon found themselves by the umpire that the Phillies would Koufax won three Cy Youngs, an MVP, three being sent elsewhere. When Phillies third fierce die-hard people you will ever meet. forfeit the game if the bombardment didn’t World Series, and was a six-time all-star. He baseman Scott Rolen began to complain that These are the guys who consider being buried cease. The fans eventually calmed down, but still defines the curveball. the Phillies were underachieving—which of in their Eagles jersey. And some of the things this only helped to spread the image Philly There are certainly several players with course they were—management decided that that these people have done make T.O. look has as the center of bad sportsmanship in the remarkably long careers exuding talent his criticism wasn’t helping them to win any like, well, a good sport. United States. throughout. Here are names that readily games and he was let go. The Flyers tolerated Eagles fans, formerly perched in the What we must remember is that a lot of come to mind: Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Ty the whining of center Eric Lindros for years dreaded 700 level of Veterans’ Stadium, are the stories you hear are probably exaggerated Cobb, Rickey Henderson, Barry Bonds, Hon- because, well, he was really good. But as soon usually considered the worst. This is the by fans of the opposing team and sensation- us Wagner, Nolan Ryan, Roger Clemens. But as he got injured to the point of no longer be- group of people who attacked the Dallas Cow- alized by the media. But then again, there is for every Babe Ruth there’s a Kirby Puckett. ing able to play well, Flyers’ general manager boys with snowballs and during another game little doubt that there is some truth behind For every Ty Cobb, there’s a Tony Gwynn. Bobby Clarke got rid of him. cheered when Cowboys wide receiver Michael every story you will hear. Sports fans in every Honus Wagner requires Ryne Sandberg. A few years ago, the Phillies had a utility Irvin got a serious neck injury and was car- city will act like this and be all-around bad Guys who were tops at their position and tops infielder, Tyler Houston, who was deemed a ried off the field on a stretcher. But really, at sports. But for some reason, Philadelphia is in the league, but you wouldn’t consider them threat to team chemistry because of his com- any of our sporting events, booing is our spe- always labeled as the center of everything that for an All-Time team. plaining. What was the proof? He got left cialty. We even booed Destiny’s Child when is wrong with fans today. Why do we make the Let’s be honest. Once Kirby Puckett got fielder Pat Burrell to bleach his hair. Regard- they performed at halftime during a Sixers’ headlines so much more often than other cit- in, it opened floodgates. Yes, Puckett was the less, head coach Larry Bowa declared him a playoff game because one of them was wear- ies? Because here in Philly, when we let out quiet, stalwart hero of a Minnesota team that “loser” and Houston soon disappeared. Now ing an LA Lakers jersey. I have yet to think our fury over our perennial losing teams, we won the World Series in 1987 and 1991. And the only anomaly in this pattern is the star of of one situation in which Philly fans would do so in the funniest ways. yes, his career of 12 seasons ended in a tragic the Sixers, Allen Iverson. He is the epitome of not boo. Eagles fans will forever be known as a bad sport in the NBA, and yet, he’s still here, the people who booed Santa Claus. Yes that’s Tim Potens is a freshman in Engineering. You can Continued on PAGE 11 and probably won’t be going away any time right, during halftime in 1968, right at Penn’s write to him at potens@seas. NOVEMBER 14, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. VI NO. 7 PAGE 5 WHEN LIVES ARE AT STAKE BY THUY TRAN IF YOU HAD DESIGNED the American flag mous disadvantage of not being able to afford late a useful gene and patent a new plant va- lence of investors. He maintains that “if there or written the lyrics for “Happy Birthday,” you research, patents or royalties. riety or product that contains it, without hav- was no vision of big money coming out of it, would have probably made sure to pursue Even if developing countries want to ing to make any payment whatsoever to the nobody would ever invest in research...that’s your legal right to royalty payments. But if break into the world of free trade, they of- communities whose traditional knowledge just the way the world works.” And if nobody you found a cure for HIV, would getting paid ten find themselves in a Catch-22: In order enabled the plant to be used in the first place. invested in research, he said, a lot of techno- still be your first priority? to build their own industry they need to use Another related issue is that of HIV and logical advances would be sacrificed. Intellectual property rights are the exclu- technology that already exists, for which they AIDS. One-fourth of black Africa is going to The key point, I believe, is whether it sive rights given to the creator of his or her need to pay royalties. And in order to pay roy- die from AIDS unless they receive medicine— makes sense to spend billions of dollars on invention over a certain period of time. These alties, they need an industrial base to compete medicine that is patented by Anglo-American cloning sheep and building ever-smaller mi- rights are usually divided into two main ar- in a free-trade world. pharmaceutical companies. Affected coun- crochips, while millions of people still die eas: copyright and industrial. The main pur- Economic history, however, indicates that tries could buy generic copies of the patented from hunger. Should we be developing artifi- pose of copyrights is to encourage and reward this state of affairs was not always this way. medication from Brazil, Argentina and India cial hearts when so many people still die from creative work— literary, musical or artistic When the United States and Germany indus- for a fraction of the price, but can only do so at diseases that are already curable? creations—while industrial property rights trialized, they did so in part using almost free the risk of being sued by the patent holders. I am not opposed to intellectual property seek to protect those who invest time and British technology; Japan also industrialized Basically, patents are largely the preserve rights or patents per se, but I do see the need money in research. while paying very little for U.S. innovations. of Western multinational companies, allow- for an intellectual property rights regime that Critics claim, however, that the exclusive But when today’s developing countries try ing them to establish monopolies and force better fits the needs of poor countries. Maybe rights of intellectual property owners have to industrialize, Western nations seem more up the price of everything from seeds to soft- more resources should be spent on trying to an adverse impact on the poorer countries concerned with getting paid than with help- ware. In the process, patents prevent poor strike a balance between providing an incen- in the world. As an integral part of today’s ing those in need. people from getting life-saving drugs. tive for creativity and still allowing people to West-centric international economic system, Moreover, the WTO intellectual property The counterargument, I admit, has some benefit from existing technology. they argue, intellectual property rights benefit regime often interferes with the traditional strength. In discussing this issue, my friend, a those who have the money and resources to agricultural practices of developing countries. biomedical engineer working in research and conduct research and buy patents. As a result, An individual or company can collect a plant development of artificial hearts, put the issue Thuy Tran is a senior in the College. You can write developing countries are faced with the enor- from a developing country, modify it or iso- in context: His job depends on the benevo- to her at [email protected]. A TOAST TO BODY WORLDS Continued from PAGE 1 THE TEENAGE were real cadavers, perfectly preserved and ther she nor her unborn child would survive plasticized. I guess you had to be there; even the unspecified illness and signed her body the billboards don’t do it justice. In each of the away for the “qualification of physicians and rooms there were long flag-like banners hang- instruction of lay people.” The final display MAKE-OUT WHORE ing with philosophical musings. “Death is the was the woman’s skeleton and muscles intact BY ALE JACKSON release from all pain and complete cessation, and plasticized, and her uterus was splayed beyond which our suffering will not extend. It open revealing the corpse of a nesting, nearly Maybe you met her at a frat party. Maybe floor of Really Rich Guy Who Donated a For- will return us to that condition of tranquility, fully developed, fetus. It made me a little sick. she’s your roommate. Maybe she’s your room- tune College House. which we had enjoyed before we were born. And why was the pregnant woman’s skeleton mate’s girlfriend (don’t worry, I won’t tell him Let’s not forget the countless number of Should anyone mourn the deceased, then he posed in the Play Boy magazine spread posi- you did her during NSO). Or, hell, maybe she’s embarrassing situations she creates. That must also mourn the unborn.” – Seneca. This tion? I found this to be particularly distaste- staring back at you in the mirror right now time you walked into your room, convenient- stood out to me in particular. ful and the final nail in Body Worlds’ meta- (because, let’s face it, you love staring at that ly overlooking the code word written on the It was impossible to walk through the phorical coffin. 7.5-turned-nine-with-beer-goggles face of door—come on, admit it, you have one—only rooms and not think about death, reminded How educational was this exhibit really? yours). However it happened, everyone knows to find your roommate hooking up with the that these were real people who lived real “The instruction of lay people…” These words this girl—and half of those people know know same girl you got it on with at Marbar the lives. It was one of the few redeeming quali- were ingrained in every room. This is what this girl. This girl night before. ties of Body Worlds. Overall, I felt the ex- von Gunther claims to be the reason behind turns the walk of That time at a hibition had a sort of carnie feel, a “Ripley’s Body Worlds. This is the reason why people shame into the frat party when Believe it or Not” vibe. For all the “natural signed their dead bodies away only to be walk of let me get you saw a girl beauty” Body Worlds chopped, hacked, sliced, out my planner you hooked up claims to endorse, I dissected, and displayed so I can docu- with and walked thought that the plas- for public view. I honestly ment this latest over to her only ticized cadavers were don’t believe that anything conquest. She to have her in- anything but natural. new was learned, except sees her time in troduce you to I replayed in my head new technology in plasti- college as a com- the guy she’s the image of how these cizing and isolating organ pilation of faces standing with transverse sections of systems down to just the (most of the time) as “Mike…Um. a human body, head capillaries. And this tech- and names (much Yeah. We have to toe, were produced, nology was not shared to less of the time); to go.” These essentially by a giant an extensive degree with ask her when her awkward situa- meat slicer. It seemed “lay people.” Only the re- math midterm tions and more a little gruesome. The sult of plasticization was was and she’ll brought to you fact that I was tot- displayed, and not coher- most likely say, courtesy of your ing a grilled chicken ently either for that mat- “Well I walked local make out sandwich in my purse ter. Open any biology text- there from Billy’s whore. (don’t ask) didn’t help book. For every drawing room, so—pause Now, for either. It was actu- or picture there are arrows while she flips those of you girls ally kind of embar- and letters accompanied by through her little reading this ar- rassing. Everywhere an explanation. For those pink book—Oc- ticle, thinking, I went I was shoulder with real physiological in- tober 18th.” Ask “Well, hey, I’ve to shoulder with someone else and I am sure terest, the organs were missing any indica- her if she knows your friend and you’ll hear, kissed a few guys here, I guess, but all of them the scent of chicken wafting from my locale tion of what was what. For example, I was “Oh yeah, I love that girl, she lives across from meant something!” I have this to say you to added a new dimension to the experience of passing a case, when a friend said “That is one number 14.” This is the girl whom every guy you: stop lying to yourself. You know you Body Worlds. huge tumor.” I wasn’t that impressed with the wants to get with (until, oh, one month into think of this string of guys as catalysts to your So, here is the nitty gritty of it, the big bad tumor size, and I said so. It looked relatively fall semester at which point everyone already ever-growing reputation. Admit it: you’ve science behind it all. Von Hagens invented small in comparison to what I assumed was has) and every girl despises because the sex is hooked up with roommates, haven’t you? Best Plastination by accident when he poured the organ. She then pointed out that what always better on the other side of the dorm— friends? Brothers? But hey, I’m not judging. plastic over a cadaver. Plastination is a pro- I thought was the organ was the tumor, and or room, if you’ve lucked into sharing a shoe- In fact, if not for you, what would the rest of cess that fuses anatomy with modern polymer what I thought was the tumor was the organ. box-sized living space with this girl. us have for entertainment? I don’t know what chemistry. It makes preserving individual And I’m a bioengineer! Now how is anyone Who knows why she does it. Perhaps she my Sunday mornings would be like without tissues and organs as well as the entire body supposed to know that? If education was tru- was always like that. Then again, perhaps her girls with raccoon eyes and wrinkled cloth- possible, while retaining their original shape ly the reason, then a pin or indicator of some high school years were marked with tears, ing hurriedly pushing the elevator button so and form. The specific liquid polymer appro- sort would have been added, but my suspicion expletives, and the occasional projectile in the maybe, just maybe, you won’t make it before priate for that specimen is pulled “into each is that a needle or arrow would have blem- cafeteria all of which led her to seek love and the doors close to witness their humiliation. and every cell in what he calls ‘forced vacuum ished the “art.” I envision mad scientists who acceptance in college. Whatever the reason, Then again, it isn’t really humiliation is it? impregnation.’” The process takes anywhere have assumed the scalpel as their paint brush the make-out whore is a vital part of the Penn Stand proud with your list of conquests. Wear from a few days to weeks, depending on the and the human body as their canvas, and in- experience. Without her, half of all drama it on your sleeve; own that number. May your thickness of the specimen. Whole bodies take spiration. Frankly, I don’t like it. I think one would not exist. She turns what might be a color-coded file folders—because, be honest, the longest, while a finger or toe would be can get a feel for internal organs just as well at rather large class into an incestuous pool of you’re that OCD—burst with the names and done in a jiffy. You get the idea. the butcher’s. hook up spider webs. Suddenly, the guy you numbers of countless members of the Penn One area was shrouded in dark curtains, Some things are better left unsaid, and hooked up with last week is number 20 in her undergraduate population. Hats off to you, showing that there was at least some sense of then some things are better left unknown. fall semester line up; before you know it, your make-out whore. Just don’t forget to actually respect for the lives of the people, but it was I never again want to see what someone’s latest crush only has eyes for the girl he can’t leave the room of number 24 before calling too little too late. Fetuses, some normal, some mother, someone’s brother or sister’s internal have. And, unexpectedly, one month into 25. And never, never, stop your whoring ways. with genetic abnormalities, were displayed in organs look like plasticized, encased, and un- school, what starts as an isolated flu bug in It’s just too funny to watch. cylindrical cases. The corpses of unborn fe- der the spotlight of halogen lights. the Quad turns into a full-scale epidemic. The tuses were representative of each month of reason? Our local make out whores, without Ale Jackson is a freshman in the College. You can gestation. A pregnant woman, who died eight Christine Chen is a junior in Engineering. You can whom no sickness would ever leave the 83rd write to her at jacksn@sas. months into her pregnancy, knew that nei- write to her at cachen@seas. PAGE 6 NOVEMBER 14, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. VI NO. 7 JUST FRIENDS MOVIE REVIEW BY ROB SHANK

IT IS DIFFICULT TO CATEGORIZE Just charm to get himself out of the “friend zone” Faris’ craziness can’t hide the fact that the The unpopular guy pines for the popular girl Friends as a romantic comedy. Sure, it’s hu- with Jamie? He finds out film lacks the real sense of that he knows he can’t get, but then ends up morous in parts and chick flick-esque in oth- that it’s not as easy as it romance that it is trying to having a shot with her in the end because he ers. It just has difficulty effectively balancing sounds. achieve. It seems that Chris has physically improved himself and has re- the two components. This movie has some is more infatuated and ob- alized that no matter how many women he Ryan Reynolds plays Chris, an obese very funny moments, es- sessed with Jamie than in meets in his life, she was always the only one loser who secretly loved his best friend Jamie pecially in scenes with love with her, which is al- for him. (Smart) in high school and has now trans- Reynolds and his younger ways creepy. Males will not I know that the makers of the movie formed himself into a man irresistible to all brother Mike (Marquette). leave the theater eager to weren’t looking for it to be deep The film is women. He works for a record company in The opening scenes of tell their guy friends what basically a vehicle for Reynolds to show off L.A. and hasn’t gone back to his New Jersey Reynolds in a fat suit are a hilarious movie they had his humor, and I’m tempted to say that seeing hometown in the ten years since he graduated great as well. Anna Faris just seen and females will him in a fat suit singing into a mirror is worth high school. His boss has stuck him with the is over-the-top—in a good not leave the theater excited the price of admission alone. But it’s not. assignment of taking up-and-coming starlet way—in her portrayal to tell their girl friends how Title: Just Friends Samantha James (Faris) to the east coast to of a Paris Hilton/Ashlee they found the romantic film Rating: 2 out of 5 record her newest tracks. When their plane is Simpson/Christina Agu- that perfectly mirrors their Directed by: Roger Kumble forced to make an emergency landing, Chris ilera hybrid and Chris own lives—or vice versa of Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Amy Smart, Anna finds himself back in the New Jersey town Klein fits nicely as another course.. Faris, Chris Klein, Chris Marquette where he grew up. loser from high school There is no real sub- Needless to say, Jamie is still in town and who’s still trying to garner stance to the film, either. It is still as beautiful as she was back in high Jamie’s love. uses clichés that have been Rob Shank is a sophomore in the College. You can school. Can Chris use his newfound looks and But even Reynolds’ oft-subtle humor and seen in many teen romance comedies before . write to her at rshank@sas. HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE MOVIE REVIEW BY ROB FORMAN

KATIE, MY GIRLFRIEND during part of my senior year of old guy to notice a light in the house’s window. Yadda yadda a worthy replacement for the late Richard Harris) talks up high school, refused to talk to me until I read the first four (then yadda, look! It’s Voldemort’s sickly little hand commanding the Tri-Wizard Tournament and introduces the students and the only four) novels in the “Harry Potter” series. It wasn’t that Wormtail and some dark-clothed person we’ve never met. One headmasters from the visiting schools, who enter with cheesy I was against them, per se. I hadn’t read them, so I had no idea unforgivable curse later, the old guy snooping on the Dark and sarcastic joke-cracking inducing fanfare. Mad-Eye Moody if they’d be good or not. But so many things people rave about Lord’s conversation is dead, and Harry Potter (Radcliffe) wakes shows up, as well. This sequence showcases the best and worst wind up falling just short of high expectations. I knew that both up from his nightmare. One thing to note about the opening: of Newell. On the positive side, he has a flair for offbeat and at my younger brother and father read the books. Naturally, I was no Dursleys, a definite plus in my mind. I always found them time awkward visual humor—and he uses it especially well in beyond such foolishness. Bring on George R. R. Martin, not J. bumbling and more embarrassing than droll. any scene with Alan Rickman, whose Severus Snape is prac- K. Rowling. Harry, Hermione (Watson, who will soon follow in the Ol- tically reduced to comic relief. On the negative side, he has a While I still stand behind my lack-of-Potter-mania com- sen twins’ and Lindsay Lohan’s footsteps when a “days until she tendency to overuse the budget’s allowance for special effects pared to true masterpieces in the same genre, I have to admit turns 18” clock pops up on the Internet), and a whole slew of when it really adds nothing to the story. Since many elements that I’m better for having read the series thus far. That night Weasleys go to the Quidditch World Cup Tournament. Poor of the mystery were sadly underdeveloped, the showmanship of insomnia, speed-reading though the first four novels, was was unwelcome. exhilarating. I probably can’t quote the fifth word of the sev- In the only school scene in the entire movie—yes, there’s enth paragraph in chapter 13 of book three (the best book), but only one—Mad-Eye Moody shows the Fourth Years the three I have a general working knowledge of the Potterverse. I get a Unforgivable Curses in Defense Against the Dark Arts. The kick out of the midnight events bookstores throw for the pre- startling lack of classroom scenes gave Goblet of Fire a very dif- mieres of each new edition. Trust me; if you haven’t been to a ferent feel from the first three films, but I’ll allow it since there Barnes & Noble in Los Angeles the evening before a new Harry was so much to be done with the tournament. This scene is Potter novel, you haven’t seen costumed weirdos. And I say that remarkably effective, more so than in the book, and it’s Brendan with respect, having gone to each Lord of the Rings midnight Gleeson as Moody and Watson who make the scene so spec- showing with a friend dressed as an elf. tacular. From here on out, almost everything deals with the But you aren’t reading this “movie review” to hear about tournament, excepting the emotional effects of said events on my misgivings over all things—say like Alan Rickman—Pot- Harry, Ron, and Hermione. The highlights are certainly Wat- ter. Since, at least for the first 120-or-so hours after publica- son’s performance at the Yule Tide Ball and Harry’s bath with tion, I have seen the fourth movie and you, gentle and hopefully Moaning Myrtle. As for the challenges themselves, I’ll advise patient reader, have not. As you can probably tell, I liked the you to judge for yourself, but, again, compared to the Demen- movie. Four out of five stars. That’s hefty—even though it will tors, the threats just weren’t up to snuff. probably be the first and only “movie review” I churn out under Though überfans of the novels will likely disagree, Miran- the star system, so you might as well just take it as “go see this da Richardson’s useless and, in the end, inconsequential Rita movie, dunderhead”. Skeeter should have been cut to allow for more developments in There is a lot to like about Harry Potter and the Goblet of the characters, which was sadly lacking for newcomers like Vik- Fire. The plot—essentially the turning point of the series from tor Krum, Fleur Delacour, and the incomparable Cedric Dig- boyish fantasy to dark overtones—pretty much just pushes gory. Everyone knows what happens, right? I’m not spoiling through, unrelenting, and doesn’t stop for amusement or side the ending for people? If you don’t know what happens, don’t stories—which isn’t to say they don’t exist… have you read the read on. fourth novel? There’s a lot cut from the book in order to make Newell gets one thing incredibly right in the resurrection the movie as short as it is. Yeah. Thankfully, it is among the sequence—though he almost blows it with Voldemort’s arch- fastest 157-minutes I’ve spent in a movie theater in recent mem- villainy. Okay, he gets more than one thing right. Pre-resur- ory, which means you hardly notice the fact that hours of your rection, He Who Must Not Be Named looks humorously like a life are passing by. cleaned up, deformed aborted fetus. Second, Cedric and Harry Plot summary, you ask? Okay, but I’m not going to go into are transported to the graveyard and Cedric is unceremoniously the “they cut this oh-so-important moment from the book” de- killed. Reading the scene in the book was hard. Watching it? tails. I mean… know your Potter, people. The movie opens with Even harder, because you can’t stop the movie—at least not un- a somber, suspenseful version of the eerily haunting John Wil- til it comes out on DVD. The emotion does finally hit when liams score. For a full minute (yes, minute… in a movie, that’s a Rupert Grint. While his co-stars are getting better looking with Harry returns to Hogwarts through the portkey, and it hits like long time!), we push through a graveyard, following a snake as age, his oafish Ron Weasley is just, well, oafish. Here’s where a ton of bricks. Tears welled in my eyes, and later fell down my it courses its way to a spooky house, stopping for indiscriminant the movie shows the frays on its edges. Everything is just so cheeks, (seriously, I cried,) as Radcliffe finally shows his chops damned busy that you can’t tell what’s going on in the frame. when Harry desperately clutches Cedric’s body, the gravity of ev- A lingering shot or two as the group walks the carnival-like erything finally hitting him amidst the cheering stadium. The grounds would’ve helped. Also, Harry’s “I love magic” line just contrast between his attitude and the stadium’s obliviousness is comes off… wrong. He’s been around it for three years, you striking, deep, and painful. I do not cry easily during movies, wouldn’t think something as simple as a small tent expanding but this pushed me over the edge. into a massive suite once you step inside would impress him 2006 will be a Potter-less year. I’m excited to see what hap- so. pens when the movie tries to compress the even larger Harry The movie’s second flaw comes with the Quidditch Cup it- Potter and the Order of the Phoenix into a movie. Bottom line: self. Part of the fun of the movies is each new director’s take on see Goblet of Fire. I can think of many inferior ways to spend the high-flying fun. Newell practically discards it, but only after the 157 minutes. You won’t regret it, even though Goblet of Fire impressing viewers with the World Cup’s stadium. It’s a digital doesn’t quite reach the mastery of Prisoner of Azkaban. Oh, effects sight to behold, and I for one wish the story had stuck and Hermione Granger is my favorite character. Just thought around for the Irish vs. Bulgarian match up. Instead, we cut you should know. away to the attack of the Death Eaters, dressed like Klansmen. This is my third gripe: after Alfonso Cuaron’s inspired take on the fearful Dementors in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azka- Title: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire ban, nothing that ought to frighten the viewer in Newell’s movie Rating: 4 out of 5 stars reaches—much less surpasses—that zenith of terror. Not even Directed by: Mike Newell the sequence in the final act—you know the one I mean—which Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert was among J. K. Rowling’s best work in the novel. Grint, Michael Gambon Back to the movie. I’m complaining a lot. I did like this movie. Four out of five stars, remember? There are thankfully no shenanigans stopping our Fourth Years from getting on the Rob Forman is a senior in the Wharton. You can write to him at train to Hogwarts. Once they arrive, Dumbledore (Gambon, robertf@wharton. NOVEMBER 14, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. VI NO. 7 PAGE 7 CONFESSIONS OF A BEN FOLDS FAN-GIRL SHIRA BENDER | IN ALL SHIRIOUSNESS A FRIEND RECENTLY TOLD was a loser for checking those things but then I found out never get. ME I write about love, like, most people do it. So, don’t feel weird. It’s totally normal. After my third concert, I decided I was a bona fide fan. every week. That’s simply not I just hate the ones that have cheesy MIDI music playing I would tell friends and family about him, and some scoffed true. Last time I wrote about in the background with little crying cupids flying around while others embraced. I never understood the scoffers. May- hot dresses…time before that the screen. That just doesn’t make a girl feel any better. But be they just liked scoffing. I definitely got him a few more Bible text-messages…FSM… “Song for the Dumped” certainly does. It cuts the bullshit, die-hard followers though, so I guess I’ve done my job well. yea, no love there, sorry bud- says it like it is: “Give me my money back / you bitch / I want Next, I saw Ben play from third row, center, at some place dy. Anyways, this week, I am my money back / And don’t forget / to give me back my black called Town Hall in NYC. His fingers are so hot up close. He writing about love. I’m talking T-shirt.” Like I said, poetry. moves them up and down the keys like he’s stroking a woman’s True Love. The kind that gives There are so many incredible songs I could name, songs hair, not the soft romantic way, but the way a guy does when you butterflies, makes you that get to you in a place you never knew existed, songs that he’s telling you he adores you and all that but he’s also hoping ache when you see his picture, say what you’re feeling but don’t know how to express, songs for some action later on. Forceful, but tender. Smooth. Quick makes you need to hear his that lift you up, make you wanna punch someone, make you and slow and light and hard and loud and barely audible, voice all the time. Yes. The kind that makes you all want to wanna hug someone, make you wanna run up onstage and every moment changing to a different tone, timbre, tingling throw up right now. sensation. He abuses those keys, and at the same time The man I am in love with is kind of goofy. He was he tells them no, honey, don’t leave, baby I need you. born in the south. He wears emo glasses, but he’s not Trust me, his fingers are very talkative. That was also emo, I swear. Apparently, he wore the same bright red the first time I heard him play “Bitches Ain’t Shit” live. pants twice. I never saw them, though. I’ve loved him That’s a Dr. Dre song, and Ben has taken the liberty since sophomore year of high school. That’s four years of making it sound good. And I mean damn good. It’s of dogged devotion right there. I have four tee-shirts like an homage to four-letter words and ho’s, which with his face inked on the front. I hear there are others Ben manages to render into a melodic, graceful, and who are in love with him too, but seeing as he’s written titillating tune. He’s just that talented. countless songs for me and stares into my eyes with a Next I saw him in Prospect Park. That’s Brooklyn’s longing that can only be reserved for the girl you really wannabe Central Park, for all you non-New Yorkers. want, I’m here to tell all of you to back off. He’s mine. It’s a quaint little place, for a quaint borough. Awe- I am in love with Ben Folds. some concert, I knew like 15 people there, loved the Perhaps you’ve heard of him? Through a friend, ambiance, hated Rufus, but what can ya do, I guess maybe? Been to a concert or two or six? Benny (only they’re friends or something. I’m allowed to call him that) isn’t the most famous Lastly, the concert that prompted this article. Last musician out there, but he’s certainly moving up in night, I saw him play at the Electric Factory right here the ranks of off-radio geniuses. I don’t write music re- in Philly. He played a lot of his more obscure songs, views. It’s not my bag. But, apparently, I do write about ones that you really only know if you’re a fan. I just felt love. For anyone who has not yet been introduced to so… loved. I knew every single word. That’s one of the my man’s mind-blowing piano artistry and striking vo- best feelings, knowing all the words at a concert. Espe- cals, I can tell you right now, this is most definitely an cially if there are a few people around you who do, too. article about love. It’s like you’re suddenly back at summer camp where In tenth grade, Liat, one of my very best friends it was totally OK for everyone to sit around and sing whom I love so so much, told me to download a song together. I miss those days. I think I mention summer called “Zak and Sara”. You’ve heard of love at first sight, camp more often than love in my articles by the way. but love at first note? That was a new one for me. Quite Anyway, I realized last night that my love for Ben isn’t the mesmerizing experience let me tell you. The mu- just about his music anymore. It’s about the whole sic alone caught me off-guard as unique yet not off the scene. The whole feeling that if you’re a real fan, you wall, catchy yet not cliché, enjoyable but not happy, know the lines to shout out at the concert in between pensive but not depressing. The lyrics were poetry. The the real lyrics, you know how different he sounds solo experience was orgasmic. Yes, my Benny brought me on the piano and with a band behind him, you know there our very first time together. make out with the piano player. That could just be me. But, how far he’s traveled all the way from Australia just to play a I immediately typed his name into my Kazaa search. I yeah, I won’t go into all that. Instead, I’ll map out my love bit for his adoring fans. I guess any fan of any musical artist miss Kazaa by the way. Some ITA this year terrified me out affair for you. feels that kind of connection to fellow fans and all, as well as of downloading music while on Penn’s campus. The legal life My first concert was that same year, in tenth grade. It was to the artist himself. But it’s just different with Ben. He’s just is simply not musical enough. his “Ben Folds Live” tour, in the Beacon Theater in Manhat- so…dreamy. Sigh. Anyway, the first few songs I downloaded happened to tan. Just him, a piano, and a drum set on the side that he So basically, even though there are those who have been be some of his biggies—“Brick”, “Army”, and “Song for the would randomly walk over to and bang on for a while before there “from the beginning” so to speak, and have been to 20 Dumped”. “Brick” is the one most people know, even if they returning to the ivory keys. The entire concert was absolutely concerts rather than my measly six, and know him inside out had no clue who sings it. It’s so beautiful, pulls at your heart incredible. Needless to say, I was nothing short of spasming and backwards, I still pretty much know Ben and I are made strings or something. It’s about an abortion, which is a jar- with amazement and adoration by the end. for each other. Someday, he’ll figure that out. I guess I have to ring piece of information for anyone who, like me, assumed From there, I went to two summer Central Park concerts, meet him first. Until then, I’ll swoon from afar. it was about some girl who was weighing him down or some- with Guster and Rufus Wainwright, who is SO annoying by thing. Only Ben could take a subject like that and make it the way—sorry Rufus fans. Guster rocks, though. I just can’t a mainstream chart-topper. “Army” is a fun bit of nostalgia take Rufus’s whining. I mean, yeah, he sings Hallelujah pret- that we all love to sing along to at the concerts, and “Song ty well in Shrek, but other than that, I think I’ll wait until I for the Dumped”, well, that one’s on all the “break up songs” have little pishers running around the house to have to listen Shira Bender is a sophomore in the College. You can write to her at websites. Yes, I’ve been to those websites. I used to think I to someone moaning in my ear about what he wants but can shiratb@sas. THE BIG BAD DADDY BY ADREYO SEN

PERHAPS THE MOST ENDURING PATRIARCH is the Vic- Avarice, one of the young protagonists — all of eight — has revenge of her father’s abuse of her as a child. One of Jackie torian father, awful in his authority. Novels portray him as to wear a coat and tie on the few occasions he comes into his Collins’ pet clichés is the wife-beating father whose children terribly remote and strict, an authority almost absent in the father’s august presence. He is told to “stand straight boy!” run away to Hollywood. day-to-day life of his family. His punctual arrival from work and “stop being a sissy!” and is examined gravely from head The negative portrayal of the father also extends to films. is foreshadowed by the frantic preparations of his loving, but to toe. In Jilly Cooper’s The Man Who Made Husbands Jeal- In Runaway Bride, Julia Robert’s character sees her father submissive wife. Children, in his opinion are “to be seen, but ous, David is doubly misfortunate to be the son of a head- get drunk at her wedding engagement party and abuse her not heard” and only make time-bound excursions on his at- master who only meets his son in the study, subjects him to in front of an entire congregation. In American Beauty Kev- tention, addressing him as ‘sir’. sermons and loses interest in him when he decides to be- in Spacey’s character is portrayed as a vulgar wimp too busy In Tom Jones, Henry Fielding’s portrayal of an endear- come a polo-rider. contemplating the seduction of one of his daughter’s girl- ing scapegrace, Mr. Allworthy judges Tom and Blilfil on their In stark contrast, in the world of P.G. Wodehouse, terri- friends to provide leadership to his family. The Cell has a se- ability to ape the scripture and is not averse to disinheriting ble aunts drag their nieces away from unsuitable young men, rial killer’s graphic flashbacks reveal the extent of his sexual them if they don’t live up to his expectations. while the fathers are terrorized both by their domineering and emotional abuse by his father while The Great Santini The father’s ultimate seal of disapproval is canceling his wives and aggressive daughters! has a martinet father who is incapable of providing his chil- son or daughter’s name from the family Bible. In Vanity The Italian patriarch is shown as benign, but ruthless. dren with love or affection. When was the last time a father- Fair, George Osborne achieves this dubious distinction by In Mario Puzo’s “Last Don”, the old patriarch orchestrates oriented role won accolades? not making a marriage of fortune. In The Surgeon’s Daugh- upcoming young blood Cross’ murder of the black sheep of What is surprising is that the image of the father as inef- ter, Zilla’s father connives to have her imprisoned or hanged the family without lifting a finger himself. Gino Santangelo fectual or authoritarian extends to animation as well. In Lit- when she elopes rather than have her disgrace the family. of Collins’ Lucky has his troublesome daughter married off tle Mermaid, Ariel’s father is overbearing in appearance and Today’s Indian films always display an impossibly au- when she makes a habit of running away from schools. By attitude and destroys his daughter’s possessions arbitrarily. thoritarian Proto-Victorian father. In Kabhi Khushi Kabhi refusing to accept his son’s homosexuality and forcing him In Beauty and the Beast Belle’s father is ineffectual and does Gham (Sometimes Joy, Sometimes Grief), the patriarch re- to get involved in his business, he impels him to commit sui- not initiate action even when she takes his place in the beast’s fuses to see his son for twenty years when he marries a girl cide. lair. In Aladdin, Jasmine’s father has power and authority from a lower-class background. In the heartbreakingly sweet The fictional American father forms the crux of many but is a fool, easily duped by Jafar. And surprise, surprise, comedy Munnabhai MBBS (The Doctor Mobster), a small- tragedies. He is sexually and physically abusive, repressive there is no father in either Toy Story or Bambi. time don would rather pretend to be a successful doctor than or plainly ineffectual. Two vastly different novels hinge on Anyone for the formation of Fathers Anonymous? disappoint his father’s expectations. his sexual abuse of his daughter. Sidney Sheldon’s Tell Me Modern English writers also seem to be fixated on the Your Dreams has the multiple personality disorder patient Victorian father. Anita Burgh’s men and women never re- trace her illness to her father’s sexual relations with her. Ar- Adreyo Sen is a sophomore in the College. You can write to him at ally begin to love their fathers till they have grown up. In thur Hailey’s Cynthia Ernst in Detective kills her parents in adreyo@sas. PAGE 8 NOVEMBER 14, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. VI NO. 7 NOVEMBER 14, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. VI NO. 7 PAGE 9 WIZARDING 101: INTELLIGENT DESIGN BY RACHEL SENTURAI WHO WAS THE AD WIZARD that came up with that one?— As you can see, we Ad Wizards come up with a lot of stuff. sible. Well, except for, who was the Ad Wizard who came up Adam Sandler My domain in particular is science. Can I tell you a secret? with that one? You know it’s really difficult being an Ad Wizard. I work DNA is just one big disaster. My old wizard pal Luiz was given Ultimately though, you’ll start to realize that nothing you very hard to come up with Ones. Of course, since I am my the idea as an extra credit question on his WEE, the Wizard- can see, touch, feel or hear, is true. One time at this really own boss, I do all of my work out of a Jacuzzi. But we Ad ing Entrance Exam. For obvious reasons, I can’t say WEE fantastic New Year’s Eve party, an Ad Wizard took a shot of al- Wizards take our job very seriously. without laughing. Well, Luiz gave it a good shot, until he left cohol, pointed his wand and shouted, “Sapphires!” And that’s There’s a lot that goes into being an Ad Wizard: brain- to attend a bowling league. It sat on the Ad Shelf for a solid how you got the Japanese walking around with hats with toi- storming, think tanks, drafting, editing, revising, and weed decade before anyone bothered finishing it up. Sheila actu- let paper rolls on them. weed weed! Some days when I’m stuck with just a carrot and ally got a hold of it, and started doing some fancy girly stuff Now I’ve heard of this guy Darwin. I’ve got nothing a telescope I’ve got to get creative. But I can hold my breath with loops, ribbons, twirls, and marshmallow bunnies. Voila! against him; he was practically my idea. My initial plan was for ten minutes! When my wizard skin starts getting pruney, That’s why that bastard is so complicated. Amazing! But can for him to be a funeral director, but you know, free will. Boy, I moisturize and hop on my Pegasus to the golf course. Of you really blame her? It’s awfully hard to think straight being a that One was a mistake. So, sure Charlie spent all his time course I don’t really play golf; I use the club as a nice escape nymphomaniac. That’s another secret, shhhhh. In fact, DNA with turtles, but with a beard like his, he could get any lovely from my GOD-awful wife. Why she married me, I’ll never was finished quite coincidentally in 1953, the same year hu- lady he wanted. He just should have steered clear of the ditzy know. I am after all the one who came up with the menstrual mans believe that some chaps Watson and Crick supposedly blondes. I trademarked them in 1789. cycle. Oh, yes, that was a good One. “figured it out.” I’m sorry, I’ve been so random. I’m half thinking about air But let’s get serious here. There is a lot of legal paperwork This of course leads me to wonder why human beings freshener, half thinking about my next meal. Wait, Holy Ruby that goes on with copyrighting and patenting every One that spend their time in science labs trying to figure out this non- Stegosaurus, I’ve got it! Peanut butter and jelly in an aerosol one comes up with, which sometimes gets a little ironic be- sense, when we’ve obviously worked it all out before. Conse- can! But let’s get back on track. cause of course, we came up with copyrights. And, unlike in quently, I’d like to take this time to apologize for AIDS, I was So what’s the take away point of all this? Simply, that for Washington, Ad Wizards can’t be bought off by special inter- really drunk that night. figuring out the true origins of the universe, Adam Sandler ests because Ad Wizarding is all about harnessing your chi. And you don’t even want to know what is going on with should be given a Nobel Prize, or at least nominated to the You can’t go wrong…ever. global warming. Joey, the Italian wet blanket that lives in a Supreme Court. For instance, we have our classics: Islamic fundamental- dungeon, sweats a lot. Really, he’s so bitter, he’s making every- ists, cheese whiz, body odor, Michael Jackson. Do you know one suffer. Sure Toyota thinks they’ve made a hybrid to ease why cars park on a driveway and drive on a parkway? That the problem, but let’s face it, why spend your time on anything Rachel Senturai is a senior in the College. You can write to her at senturia@sas. was all my neighbor Marty. else when a robot dog answers just about every question pos- GUTMANN Continued from PAGE 1 BEST BETS Gutmann’s goal with the Postal Lands is not to increase the amount of lecture space on the east end of campus—she wants that to stay central. Rather, she wants to make the fairly barren area 11/14-11/27 between Hill and the Left Bank (and beyond), a commercial area, as well as building up more housing options and facility space for student groups (a few other students voiced concerns about the lack of performing arts space). She talked about the bustling commercial areas on Rob’s TV picks for the next two Walnut and on 40th Street. Walking down those stretches seems to take less time because there’s stuff to do, places to eat… it’s not ugly, empty, dead space. I had never thought about the effect weeks of commercial activity on a walker—it’s true, walk- Reminder, thanks to November Sweeps, schedules are subject to rapid change, such as FOX ing from 38th & Walnut pulling Arrested Development from the schedule until god-knows-when-but-it-better-be- to 34th & Walnut seems soon. to pass by rapidly com- pared to the dead trek Monday (11/14): How I Met Your Mother “The Duel” (CBS, 8:30 p.m.) Note the above th from 34 & Walnut to bitterness. Thank god there’s still some comedy to be had on Mondays. Ted and Marshall th 30 Street. Gutmann’s fight over who gets to keep their apartment after Marshall and Lilly get married. And Bar- goal is to give the same ney is hilarious. improvement to the new Tuesday (11/15): Commander-in-Chief “Rubie Dubidoux and the Brown Bound Ex- real estate space. press” (ABC, 9 p.m.). Warble in terror before Geena Davis’ massive jaw! The first episode One of the overrid- since NYPD Blue’s Stephen Boccho took over the show from creator Rod Lurie. The politics ing themes of the various may be simple at times, the idealism rampant, but I’m willing to see what Boccho does with other discussion topics this show. There’s so much potential. was that information is Wednesday (11/16): Lost “The Other 48 Days” (ABC, 9 p.m.) Ho. Ly. Crap. Who saw available, but Penn stu- November 9th’s episode? Hell… who DIDN’T see last week’s episode? Okay, that’s probably dents don’t know where a lot of you (grumble). Well, even if you haven’t ever seen this show, “The Other 48 Days” is to find it, or even how to accessible. Because it shows the first 48 days on the island of a group of plane crash survi- begin looking. Things vors we basically know nothing about. I guarantee awesomeness. Death. Others. Shirtless like employment be- people. The running time has been extended to 65 minutes (lasting until 10:05pm), in yond OCR and alumni order to pack all 48 minutes of the story in. And in case you didn’t know, 48 is an important networks can be found number. D’uh. through the Penn Ca- reer Network. As above, Thursday (11/17): Alias “Fait Accompli” (ABC, 8 p.m.) One, Mia Maestro is back. Per- CURF is a great resource haps as a coma-induced vegetable. Two, Amy Acker is back as hotter-than-hell evil agent for independent undergraduate research. Even something as unbelievable as sitting down with Kelly Peyton. Three, Sloane may be evil. Evil, I say! The show has picked up, despite Jen- the President of the University is available to students—you just need to ask. One thing you nifer Garner’s pregnancy and the rough first few episodes. unfortunately can’t ask for is financial aid if you’re an international student. The funds aren’t Sunday (11/20): Rome “Kalends of February” (HBO, 9 p.m.) Okay, so I’m sure exactly there, though Gutmann is trying to do something about that. I, personally, had no idea there what a “kalend” is, but this episode is the season finale of this highly addicting, gorgeously was any disparity between foreign and domestic aid packages. shot, and amazingly acted show. We won’t be back in B.C. until 2007, unfortunately, but I At the end, President Gutmann asked the seniors to talk about their experiences on campus think certain events surrounding one Julius Caesar will be enough to keep you interested. (and later the freshmen, who basically said they were just trying to find their footing). Sure, I mean… everyone on the planet probably knows what happens to the emperor in this epi- the seniors were expectedly and overwhelmingly positive—I, myself, gushed a bit—but a theme sode. emerged: try everything. Biology major interested in taking a Classical Studies course? Do it. Monday (11/21): Medium “Still Life” (NBC, 10 p.m.) Hello, publicity stunt! Pick up That’s why you’re here, to expand your knowledge base at one of the world’s finest educational an issue of TV Guide before this episode and become the proud owner of 3-D glasses. Wear institutions. Travel outside University City and see Philadelphia. Rush the Greek system, even them to class, you won’t be made fun of… you’ll be dead from shame! Anyway, apparently if you had no intention of doing so when you matriculated. There’s no point in slamming doors NBC is broadcasting this episode in 3-D for your viewing pleasure. Unless you’re a cyclops. closed when they could open you up to world new worlds, people, and experiences. Thanks, Mask & Wig. By the way, I swear there is no cronyism going on here. I was just really impressed with Tuesday (11/22): House “Hunting” (FOX, 9 p.m.) Tonight, we finally see House’s home. President Gutmann’s answers, her plan for the University, and the sheer fact that she wanted Which is not necessarily a good thing, since apparently the prickly diagnostician is being to spend time to get undergraduate opinions. Gutmann is always looking for more feedback stalked by an AIDS patient who begs him to take his case. I wonder if House can cure and suggestions on how she can better serve us, the students. In fact, she’s looking to improve AIDS… the College House system in order to foster a greater sense of community—or at least pockets Wednesday (11/23): Lost “Collision” (ABC, 9 p.m.) Okay, this is horribly unlike me, of it—by giving each College House a different flavor, a real personality. So, suggest away. And but I’m recommending Veronica Mars on 11/30, so what the hell. This episode will pick try and get into one of these lunch sessions. Free food, at the very least, is a wonderful thing. up right after last week’s “Abandoned”, and will be the first normal episode centered on the Rob Forman is a senior in Wharton. You can write to him at robertf@wharton. back story of one of the survivors from the tail of the plane: Ana-Lucia, a.k.a. indie-film bad- girl Michelle Rodriguez. Also known on the island as the woman who shot Maggie Grace’s Shannon. I’m sorry. I have to go cry now. Can we have a vigil for Shannon Rutherford? Seriously. I need to vent and mourn. Thursday (11/24): A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (ABC, 8 p.m.) A Shultz classic. Come on, stuff your face with turkey, yams, and cranberry sauce, and if you aren’t watching our dose of a football game, watch the humorously bald kid scream “argh!” Sunday (11/27): Grey’s Anatomy “Much Too Much” (ABC, 10 p.m.) So, this show has weekly wisdom been blowing Desperate Housewives out of the water for most-addicting Sunday night show this season. It totally deserves the post-Super Bowl XL timeslot. So you might want to start firstcallism watching now. Just FYI. Meredith has very bad luck with one-night stands. Thank god the WHAT? WE CAN’T BE WITTY show is also about surgical interns and inappropriate humor… and Sandra. Oh! Advice to the incredibly hot Izzie: dump Alex like Kate Moss’ cocaine habit. ALL THE TIME! If You Can Only Watch Three: Lost “The Other 48 Days”/”Collision” and Grey’s Anat- omy “Much Too Much”. PAGE 10 NOVEMBER 14, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. VI NO. 7 THE EXCELANO PROJECT Putting Words Where Their Mouths Are MICKEY JOU | SITES AND SOUND THE BLACK EYED PEAS took poets go above and beyond re-creating reality – as Mohamed In their simultaneous performance, I literally heard the birth five minutes to disconnect Sow asserted, he means to speak words out loud so that even of rap: between Basir and Sambhara’s angry, pounding fists us from all intellect and to “Beethoven can hear me / Stevie Wonder can see me clearly.” on the table and Danley’s nearly melodic verse-like flow, there get retarded. The Excelano The Project meant to challenge the audience’s blindness to was rap, staring me in the face—so to speak. After all, isn’t Project did the exact opposite. reality through their various perspectives of “seeing” stories. rap the merging of rhythm born out of passion and rhymes Fifteen spoken word artists It will be a long time, for example, before I forget the trip I overflowing from the mind? who meant business seized made through the Valley of the Kings with Omari Ramirez on Not surprisingly, the most engaging and charming the mic, took two hours, and his odyssey home. The lyrical dreamscape he presented was dialogue of the night was the topic of “Mating Patterns downloaded into my brain similar to Dispatch’s “Bang Bang,” but instead of ending with on White Campuses,” which humorously but intelligently as much intellect, politics, a hopeless “damn, let the poor sucker sleep,” Ramirez gave challenged the cries of outrage against interracial dating—or and questions about race as us hope, returning to the present, “a time between A.D. and the overabundance thereof. The endearingly mischievous I could take. Welcome to “Pass/Fail,” the Project’s attempt B.C.,” but “not ready to go home again.” presenters, Pablo Sierra and Sow, were able to engage the to transform an entertaining performance into an edifying On the other end of the “reality” spectrum was Sruthi audience through their blunt honesty and a rarely seen experience. Sadhujan’s “Film Studies: ‘Sold Out,’” who brought an aching masculine “sassiness” in their confessional explanation of why The brainchild of Carlos Gomez, Warren Longmire, and reality to life in a way that no Hollywood movie can. Despite they have not dated a girl of a minority background. Joy Dyer, the Excelano Project is a unique form of performance her wonderfully poetic descriptions of a “poisonously careless Perhaps what separates the Excelano Project from the that combines poetry, performance, and music. Much like smile” and “eyes dripping with risk, gamble, and non-care,” rest of the performance groups on campus – what makes the poets of DEF POETRY Jam, the artists of the Excelano Sadhujan’s painfully raw and heartrending performance made them the “rawest” – is their courage to say things out loud. In Project paint word pictures through the enunciation of words, it hard to remember sometimes that she was performing, “Language of Racial Misinterpretation,” it took guts for Tracey through gestures, and through any means possible to make that I was not at the door with her, receiving an unwelcome Gilbert, a white female student, to say the word “nigger” out the audience see what they vocalize by their rhythmic delivery visitor. loud before an audience that was 40% black. It took guts for of original poetry. Similarly, Deepak Sambhara’s “Culinary Studies: Slurpees,” Asare to fire back with equally venomous racial stereotypes This fall’s performance was a rapid fire of images and projected the experience of an impoverished childhood and clichés. Why say these things? Because, as Noelle Bond thoughts straight from the mouths of the poets, whose through the simple details of footsteps on concrete, dollars pointed out in the same piece, “Don’t ask / Don’t tell” is the commanding presences and powerful language could put in and taken out of a jar, and a half-mile bike ride to the motto of the Americans, one that continues to keep all rac- understandably have made the audience mistake them for 7-11 for a taste of Slurpee. Sambhara’s performance proves es – blacks, whites, Latinos, and Asians – segregated by the prophets. The styles in delivering each piece were as diverse once again that the magic of storytelling lies in the storyteller’s thought, “They’ll never know what it’s like.” as the performers themselves, from Amma Asare, whose ability to draw the audience’s attention to the right words at In the program, the Excelano Project described themselves beautiful black whisper was as reflective as it was charged with the right moments. as a “crew of 15 united by their undying love to perform poetry.” anger and hope in “Ethnography of an Immigrant”, to Ben The talent of the individual poets aside, the Project’s I disagree. In truth, they are united by something much more Alisuag, whose barely contained rage and relentless “spitting” most remarkable feat was their successful “small group than that, which is their incisive awareness of the potential of was turned into a controlled technique for exploring “Intro presentations.” In an environment where most students their words, their voice, and their courage to say it out loud. If to Linguistics”, to Ibraheem Basir, whose prayer-tone drone just don’t give a damn, it is no small miracle that Caroline “Pass/Fail” was the Project’s self-appointed assignment to have in both “Independent Study” and “Detention” had more than Rothstein and Sadhujan’s “Reverse Education,” an in-your- a conversation with the audience, then they have passed with one member of the audience sitting up and paying attention face examination of eating disorder in America, was able to flying colors. A brilliant collection of talent, authenticity, and to the punctuations of needle-sharp critiques of culture and elicit very active and very vocal audience responses to a topic passion, they have managed to achieve what many performers life in contemporary society. that might only get a few passing glances as a table on the and activist groups on campus can only hope to achieve: to One of the most powerful capacities of this group of walk. make someone care by speaking out loud. performers was their unfailing ability to lead the audience on The ability among the performers to work together Grade: A a journey as vivid and realistic as any virtual reality the Penn and listen to each other on stage was especially evident in Mickey Jou is a senior in the College. You can write to her at Engineering students might be able to rig up. However, the “Detention,” performed by Steve Danley, Basir, and Sambhara. myjou@sas.

IMPORTANT INFO MARIAN LEE VIEW ASKEW ROB FORMAN NOVEMBER 14, 2005 | FIRST CALL | VOL. VI NO. 7 PAGE 11 MATTINGLY PUCK Continued from PAGE 4 fashion when he suddenly developed glauco- HRs and 1099 RBIs. Puckett hit .318, 207, ma. And Ty Cobb’s Klan membership proves 1085. Robin Yount (20 seasons): .285, 251, that Puckett’s recent history of violence to- 1406. Wade Boggs (18 seasons): .328, 118, FRINCETON? ward women has no bearing on his Hall of 1014. George Brett (21 seasons): .305, 317, Fame status. 1595. Paul Molitor (21 seasons): .306, 235, BY JOANNE YUAN The cold reality is that Don Mattingly 1307. As you can see Mattingly is competitive IT SEEMED LIKE a simple social experi- supposed to signify my absolute ignorance never won any World Series because Don with all of them. ment. I walk around campus all the time toward Philly cheese-anythings. Mattingly was never on a playoff team until Mattingly’s contributions to the game and notice all the Penn pride being sport- 12:47 PM: Coming out of Steiny-D, a 1995. He did not have a strong supporting outside the game should be considered. ed in various paraphernalia. At the same girl standing on the side of Locust Walk cast. The team had 11 different coaching Mattingly’s infamous “sideburns” feud with time, anti-Princeton sentiment seems es- yells at me, “Free brownies, even for Princ- regimes—Billy Martin three times—during George Steinbrenner was later re-immortal- pecially high as well. I remember taking eton students!” I consider the offer. Her Mattingly’s 14 years of play. This compares to ized when Monty Burns tells a clean shaven the campus tour as a wee pre-frosh and bed sheet pseudo banner says “Campus Puckett’s stable 4 in 12—with Tom Kelly for Mattingly: “I thought I told you to trim those my tour guide saying, “And Penn’s blue Crusade for Christ”. I pass on the brown- over eight. sideburns!’’ And what of Mattingly’s skills as light phones are also superior to Prince- ies with a side of religion. But Mattingly was a much more domi- a hitting coach, turning around an anemic ton’s.” And who can miss the ever-so-witty 12:50 PM: I wait for my friend to come nant figure. He won nine Gold Gloves to Jason Giambi and temporarily powerless “Puck Frinceton” shirts that sassy entre- out of Spanish class at a table on the side Puckett’s six. He won one MVP to Puckett’s Hideki Matsui. preneurs started hawking at the foot- of Locust Walk. Thinking this would be a zero. He finished in the top three in the league One more argument. Don Mattingly’s ball games 29835672985 weeks prior to good time to measure Penn pride, I grab a in OPS—on-base percentage plus slugging nickname is “Donnie Baseball.” How could homecoming? Not to mention all the al- pen (Penn pen?!) and start counting Penn percentage—three times to Puckett’s zero. anyone object to putting Baseball in the Base- cohol-induced Princeton flaming that re- paraphernalia. In five minutes, I count He finished in the top three in RBIs on three ball Hall of Fame? sulted from last week’s actual game? Well, 48 articles of clothing, bags, folders, and occasions to Puckett’s two. He led the league I decided to put that to a test: The Joanne caps. That’s hardcore. in extra base hits twice to Puckett’s never. Anti-Princeton Sentiment/Penn Pride 12:57 & 1:09 PM: I accompany my Plus, Mattingly’s career statistics compare Test. Totally subjective, completely infor- just-out-of-Spanish amiga to where she mighty favorably to some of the players re- Brian Levy is a senior in the College. You can write mal, and ultimately revealing inner truths has to pass out flyers for a Fashion Society cently inducted. Mattingly hit .307 with 222 to him at bnj@sas. about… well not much. But heck, being party. I decide not to sabotage her with my from the town of Princeton, I already had ridiculous get-up, and sit on the railing to a Princeton sweatshirt and baseball cap to observe. Nevertheless, friends find me and use in my experiment. Sweet. knock my Princeton hat off. Twice. SUDOKU It was all too easy for me to sport that 1:12 PM: A girl passing out flyers with Princeton sweatshirt and cap for a day and my friend asks if I almost went to Princ- test out the campus community. What fol- eton. I explain my little project and she Medium Sudoku #13 lows is a gripping account of my exciting doesn’t seem convinced. For the record, day impersonating a Princeton student/ I didn’t even apply to Princeton. I live Penn student who loves Princeton/Penn literally three minutes away from it. The student who was rejected from Princeton thought of super-random parent drop- but is still living in delusion/Dumbass by extravaganzas everyday was just too who found herself on the wrong campus. much. Plus, in case you haven’t visited Another note: This day of adventure Princeton, the campus is pretty, but the took place prior to the Penn-Princeton town is BORING. After meandering down Homecoming game, for many obvious the two shopping and eating streets and reasons. One of which was I didn’t want catching an artsy movie at the two-room to get beaten up. I’m kind of a small and movie theater, you give up trying to find fragile Asian girl. anything exciting and resolve to spend the I took the liberty of keeping a run- rest of your days eating pancakes from ning tally of all the dirty looks I received. PJ’s or ice cream from Halo Pub or hoa- From the time I stepped out of the dorm gies from Hoagie Haven or wings from to when it got too dark for me to care, I Chuck’s… I think you get the picture. Hel- was showered graciously with 40 dirty lo, freshman fifty. But I digress. looks. Of course the disclaimer to this is 2:00 PM: I go to my astronomy and sometimes I couldn’t distinguish between cosmology class in DRL, and my Profes- a dirty look and a regular one. I was look- sor admits that he almost remarked, “Oh ing into people’s faces to figure out if they I see you’re wearing a shirt from the com- were giving me dirty looks, which I guess munity college down the road.” Then he can be misinterpreted as hostility—a rea- says he didn’t because he went there for son for giving me a dirty look in the first his PhD. Right. place. Ah, such cyclical cause-and-effect. 3:52 PM: A student in my class asks, Here we go! “How can you wear that at this school?” 10:15AM: I meet my friend in our This same student is often seen sporting hall and step into the elevator. I ask her a Virginia Tech sweatshirt. But APPAR- what she thinks of my endeavor and her ENTLY wearing PTON gear is NOT the personal opinion on my blatant Princeto- same. nianess. She says everyone wears college 3:55 PM: I’m amused to find my- sweatshirts so whatever, but my hat is self in a discussion with my professor on pretty lame. I’m devastated. Nevertheless how Princeton doesn’t acknowledge the Medium Sudoku #12 as we leave Kings Court, I ready myself to supposed Penn-Princeton rivalry. No of- face the potentially brutal judgment of the fense, but this is actually true. They could Penn campus. honestly care less about Penn. Get over 10:19AM: We walk past a guy with a it. I have. A special sorry goes out to all Penn Athletics shirt. He throws me a dirty those 151 members of the facebook group, look. This marks number one of many “PENNetrate the Puss™” and all those who LAST Penn clothing-decked people that will bought the shirts of the same name featur- also give me the evil eye. ing a particularly perverted Ben Franklin 10:23 AM: I stumble accidentally into doing a not so subtle shocker hand signal. WEEK’S the background of filming for the Whar- These same people have also bought out ton branding video. I’m sure they will ap- the domain name http://pussyivy.org just preciate my presence in bright Princeton to link it to the Princeton website. Ah, the SOLUTION gear when this commemorative video is depths of Wharton entrepreneurship. shown around the world for Wharton’s At this point, I’m tired after a day of 125th anniversary. Think of it as University classes and have decided to stop Princ- Pride affirmative action. etoning it up. Have I learned much in 10:24 AM: In the Huntsman office, my endeavor? Well, not really. It’s true two friends ask me “What the deal is.” I’m that a lot of students at Penn do seem to not gonna lie, my friends aren’t exactly have more bitter hostility towards Princ- the most eloquent of people. At least not eton than towards any other school, but when it comes to my shady antics. I’m not sure how much of that is actually 10:25AM: A particularly belligerent heartfelt, or more of a jumping on the classmate pushes me and expresses his bandwagon with the rest of the GO PENN desire to throw me in a puddle and kick crowd. I love it here. I’ll wear my Penn me repeatedly. Oh wait, that has nothing sweatshirts and t-shirts and use those to do with the Princeton gear. Penn binders and planners like everyone 12:16 PM: A friend in Commons tells else. I just don’t need to bash Princeton me to take my sweatshirt off. along with it. Now as for this whole Penn 12:46 PM: In the basement of Steiny- vs. Drexel neighborhood rivalry thing… D, a parent of some student asks me about Philly cheese steaks, trying to figure out whether to get the Philly experience from Pat’s or Geno’s. Obviously he didn’t notice Joanne Yuan is a freshman in the Wharton. You the Princetonosity of my attire, which was can write to her at jyyuan@sas. THE UNDERGRADUATE MAGAZINE | NOVEMBER 14, 2005 VOL. VI NO. 7

A TALE OF TARDINESS BY ADAM GOODMAN 9:50 a.m. of my middle-school self. My shirt is wrinkled and too loose rel—easily the most awesome of all rodents—inside my #^3&% it’s 9:50! In a tremendous display of roommate on my body. My hair is stupid. I look like an idiot. dorm?! Sweet! Actually, it’s not that sweet. I only have three etiquette, my cohabitant must have turned my alarm off again. 9:56 a.m. minutes to make it to class. How did this even happen?? How Why does he do this? I have no rational answers. I’m running out of time! My clock is taunting me—staring the hell is a squirrel inside my dorm? My roommate probably 9:51 a.m. at me. The cold digital numbers flashing—compose yourself, planted it…but no time for speculations. Turns out that squir- I have class in nine minutes. Damn it, I don’t have time to dammit! Incredibly, I lunge for the doorknob and use the mo- rels are actually terrified of us and the poor animal proceeds shower. I scramble out of bed only to have my foot impaled by mentum from the jump to simultaneously propel myself out to noisily ricochet off the walls and door only to crumble to a nail protruding from the floor that my roommate and I have of my room as the door opens. Drops of blood glisten on the the ground in a heap and then repeat the process. It looks been too lazy to do anything about. When was the last time wood forming a crimson trail in my wake. I’m pulling a Curt painful. I’m frightened. Do squirrels have rabies?—I think my I got a tetanus shot? I grab my nifty electric toothbrush and Schilling. I’m a hero! This is the seventh game of the World Dad once told me squirrels have rabies. Eventually it sails past limp to the bathroom so I can at least brush my teeth before Series. It’s the final 4.5 seconds of the NCAA championship. me down the hall. Alright I’m clear. I go to class. It’s the playoff at the Masters. It’s penalty shots at the World 9:58 a.m 9:54 a.m Cup. Call me Pele. (I have no hockey analogies, because I am Two minutes to get to Meyerson Hall on 34th and Locust. Back in my room, I arbitrarily throw on articles of cloth- from the West Coast and therefore am able to intuitively grasp I do a quick calculation: if I sprint I can make it. I fly through ing. I’m awful at figuring out acceptable combinations of that hockey sucks). upper quad, laptop bag in hand, dodge traffic, and make a colors and various garments as it is. Without at least twenty 9:57 a.m sharp, daringly athletic turn onto Locust Walk. People are minutes to reflect on proper fashion I am haunted by images I reach the bottom of the stairs. But what’s this? A squir- giving me weird looks. I can see their mouths agape in aston- ishment. I hear whispers…snickers. One girl coughs loudly. Then it hits me: nobody’s running. Locust Walk is filled with students and everybody is apparently taking a stroll, enjoying the leaves. Most are carrying backpacks or books—the vast majority presumably have ten o’clock classes just as I do. What is going on? Is it not cool to run to class? Gradually I slow my run down to the leisurely pace of my fellow Quakers. I have a modest proposal. We all know we’re going to be late to class. Perhaps, being a naïve freshman, I simply have not yet realized that class does not actually matter. But I don’t think that’s the motivation behind this phenomenon. Yes, Lo- cust Walk is very scenic and it’s fun to see students promote their silly causes. But we can do this when we don’t have class people! This is not Central Park. You are not on your fourth date with a romantic interest hoping that the magic’s going to happen tonight. You are a student at an Ivy League univer- sity. You have ambitions. You want to be lawyers and archi- tects and women’s studies professors. From now on, let’s all agree that when it’s three minutes to the hour, it’s ok to be on time to class even if it means running. Come on, it’s cool to be smart! We all know that. I don’t have the courage to attempt to start this trend myself. I need support. I need encourage- ment. Please contact me. 10:08 a.m I sheepishly walk into my lecture hall and grab a seat in the back. For the next 42 minutes I have no idea what my professor is talking about.

Adam Goodman is a senior in the College. You can write to her at adamlg@sas. TRAPPED ROB FORMAN EARTH TO MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD BY PEDRO GERSON Iran is a country that, by Middle Eastern standards, is others, the significance of the words are much more profound. this with Iran’s ambiguous nuclear policy and the West’s re- somewhat forward looking. In Parliament, women hold many Although the extent to which these words are backed up is action towards it, the threat of military actions against Iran seats and one holds an Iranian vice-presidency; in Iran’s Uni- very blurry, the words themselves have shaken the interna- seems very palpable. It is my opinion that there is no reason versities there are more female students than male; and a tional community. Most leaders of the world answered with for the affair to escalate this far. The last thing the world needs mildly free press exists. According to a recent study by “Free- revulsion to these comments and a lot of the general Jewish is another war. dom House”, a non-profit organization that claims to be a public answered with fear. Israel reacted with obvious horror: Ahmadinejad would be very wise to contain his challeng- “clear voice for democracy around the world”, Iran is not a free the prospect of Iran as a nuclear enemy has been very present ing rhetoric. Not only does he now face an augmented watch country. They do, however, acknowledge the increasing civil over the last two years. on behalf of two of the greatest powers of the West: USA liberties and political rights in the country in comparison to What all these responses lead to is a vacuum in terms of and Britain, but Iran’s position in the Middle East is not that other countries of the region. what to do about Ahmadinejad’s statement. Two weeks after strong as its President’s words. The Sunni countries in the All these attempts at reform seem in vain in light of the the event, the question of what countries will do remains very region (Saudi Arabia and Jordan) criticize Iran’s attempts to words of the Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, two much in the open. Israel’s ambassador to the United Nation help install a Shia state. They say that Iran is doing this in weeks ago when he said that Israel should be “wiped off the asked for Iran to be removed from the world body in response order to have a state with its similar religious ideologies that map.” This statement has had many repercussions across the to its President’s words. Measures such as these tend to be ex- can be pushed around board. It is important to say that the repercussions begin in aggerated. What this would do only is anger a country that is In today’s world, there is no room for outrageous claims Iran, because they just prove that fundamentalism still cir- angry enough. It would further support anti-Zionists in the like those of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Statements like these cumscribes Iranian policy. Mr. Ahmadinejad’s sickly words Middle East to mobilize, for they would see Iran’s expulsion not only threaten and frighten the International Community not only threaten the international community and Israeli from the UN as a direct attack on them by Israel. but also seem to make the two-state solution dissipate further sovereignty, but also end up hurting him. By expelling Iran from the UN all that is achieved is further in the distance. The sooner anti-Zionists begin to see Israel as The words of Ahmadinejad are placed in a whole back- alienation of a country that needs to be close precisely in order a reality, the sooner progress will be made. The forum at which ground of anti-Israeli political machinery that is going around for it to behave according to the UN’s standards. The repri- Ahmadinejad spoke was called “The World without Zionism”. in the Middle East. There is a psychological war in which the sals will probably not end up in Iran being expelled from the This world no longer exists, and it is important for people, and politicians through their demagogy attempt to make it seem UN, however it can end up in a series of choking policies from even more for statesmen, to realize this. Whether they like it or that Israel is a super power that has the power and the dimen- the West towards the country. This is where Ahmadinejad’s not, Jewish people now have their state and it is futile to make sions of countries like the US and China. Anti-Zionist propa- strong, albeit demagogic, discourse will only end up weaken- outrageous claims that this state must be eliminated. Claims ganda has been prolific within the Middle East, and this is not ing him. as such are only detrimental to the world and to he who utters the first time that words such as these have been uttered. Last One obvious effect is now America has more of a right to them. We must not look backwards at a world without Israel; year, similar words were said at an Arab summit in Dubai. portray Iran as a threat than before. Ever since 2002, when the answer is to look forwards to a world with both Palestine This time however the words were more blatant and the world Iranians had allegedly sent weapons to Palestine and George and Israel. It is a simple message that seems to be an anathe- was much more stirred. Bush introduced Iran in his “Axis of Evil”, the Bush adminis- ma to many, including Ahmadinejad, but which many in both The opinion towards Ahmadinejad’s remarks is extremely tration has been looking for ways to be able to confront the Israel and Palestine would benefit for listening. varied. There are those who seem to say that this is not a sur- Iranian problem. prise, for it is only a Statesman finally saying aloud what every Furthermore, it will also strengthen British and American one in the Middle East thinks. Many argue that it is a simple suspicions of Iran’s financial support of Iraqi militant forces. demonstration that Iran is helping violent Palestinian groups What this will do is an increase in investigations on this mat- Pedro Gerson is a sophomore in the College. You can write to him at such as Hamas and Palestinian Islamic Jihad (PIJ). For some ter, and possibly harsh diplomatic policies. When one couples pgerson@sas.