Rise magazine is written by and for parents involved in the child welfare BY AND FOR system. Its mission is to help parents PARENTS IN THE advocate for themselves and their children. CHILD WELFARE SYSTEM RiseISSUE NUMBER 21, SPRING 2012 The Long Shadow of Foster Care When children come home from foster care, parents hope they can leave the trauma of separation behind them. But for many families, separation casts a shadow for years to come. In this issue, parents describe the impact of removal long after reunification, and they ask: Is the child welfare system really doing its best to protect kids when removal itself is so traumatic? ILLUSTRATION BY YC IN THIS ISSUE 3 ‘A CHILD’S WHOLE ‘What Did I Do That They Took Me From You?’ SENSE OF SECURITY IS SHAKEN’ My son’s time in care left him feeling like there was something wrong with him. What families need when children come home. BY LYNNE MILLER 4 BONDED FOR LIFE Family therapy helped my son My son came home from two years After he went into care, we were defiance were his way of being in and me reconnect. in foster care a scared, angry and lucky to have a great foster family control. When he was removed from 5 DO NO HARM confused 6-year-old. I kept telling that worked with us and stayed in our home, he’d had no control. I Adressing the traumatic impact myself that his fear, anger and confu- our lives long after my son came think my son was looking for ways to of removal. sion would all go away when life was home. But when my son was finally prove to himself he could be the one “normal” again, but life never really released to me, I had to help him not to make choices—even if they were 6 A LONG TIME GONE got normal for us. wince and hide every time someone the wrong ones! Fourteen years later, my knocked on the door, and I had to children still feel scared. Lies and Stealing get used to the other changes in When he defied me, my son also 7 HOME BASE I had already successfully raised three him: the occasional nightmares, the showed me that he didn’t trust me. In-home services can keep children when my youngest son was bed-wetting, his stealing, and his “little I’d made some bad decisions in the children safer than placement. born. But my son’s father died unex- white lies” and defiance. past and maybe he wasn’t sure I pectedly when I was pregnant with could be trusted to make good ones. 8 TIME FOR BED Tears at bedtime reminded me my son, and my mother died just a Testing and Control of more painful goodbyes. few years later. I turned to drugs to As he got older, my son would steal Small Inside deal with grief. from everyone: friends, family, strang- Even though my son tried to act big 9 ‘WHAT DO YOU NEED?’ ers. He’d take money, and he’d also and tough, I also knew that inside he Approaching parents as When my son was little, we spent take anything he could “show off” felt very small. One time some of my partners helps families. a lot of time together, going to the with to friends. He’d lie about where son’s classmates found out he’d been 10 TOO SCARED TO park and friends’ houses. But after my he was, what he’d been up to, where in care and they used that fact to LEARN mother died, I became addicted, and he got stuff. taunt him. I know that, when my son Dealing with separation then my addiction got out of control. was taunted, he felt like the time he’d anxiety. For a year before they took my son In part, I think my son was testing me spent in care was a black stain that from me, I isolated him in his room in to see whether I really cared enough people would never let us forget. 11 TAKING NO CHANCES Would my daughter be taken front of the TV a lot and we stopped and was paying enough attention to if I stayed in foster care? going out like we used to. stop him. But I also think the lies and The guilt I felt was unimaginable. I felt FIRST PERSON

bad about the mistakes I’d made, and A Long Struggle Still, by 16, my son’s anger was so I felt even guiltier because my son My son’s sense that there was some- much worse and he hated school so seemed to think it had happened thing wrong with him came out in much. I was there for meetings two because there was something wrong smaller ways too. Whenever he had or three times a week because of with him. assignments from school that were all the cutting, fighting, and my son’s pretty tough or he decided to do a smart mouth. He had so much anger One time when he was still in care, project, like fix something around the bottled up in him that he’d slam my son’s foster mother confided in house, he would say, “I’m not smart doors and even punch holes in my me that my son felt it was his fault enough to do this,” or “I’m not good walls. If things didn’t go his way—he’d that he came into care. She had enough to do this.” lose a job or just misplace his wal- assured him that going into foster let—he would make a comment about the world conspiring against him. I often wonder which of my son’s problems came from him being in care and which ones Finally, I allowed him to sign out of school and go to work because I was I caused before he went into care. afraid that, otherwise, child welfare would come back into the picture. ILLUSTRATION BY YC he went into care. When child pro- care wasn’t his fault, and later I put I always let him know I would A Place Where He Belongs tective services came into my life, I my son in therapy because I knew he be there to help when I could. A positive change for my son finally wasn’t being the best mother to my needed help making sense of what Sometimes I would give him a push came about a year ago, when he son. Still, I always think about how had happened to him. But a couple in the right direction or get someone was 19. He found a sales job that he he must have felt during those two of years later, when I attended my else to help him. I think all that sup- is good at. He was even promoted years when I wasn’t there to hug him son’s therapy one day, he asked me: port made some difference, because through the ranks from worker to when he got hurt or even to kiss him “What did I do that they took me when my son completed something, area manager. Now my son is less good night. away from you?” he would speak about himself in a angry than he used to be, and when more positive way. he does get angry, he doesn’t use Right now, I am trying to get my son his fists. He has also stopped stealing. to move out on his own. I think he’s I think that’s because he has finally ready to be more independent, but Subscribe to Rise found a place where he feels like he’s he says he doesn’t want to leave Order copies of Rise for yourself, or to hand out to parents, good at things and he belongs. because he doesn’t want to leave me foster parents, or staff. Rise is published three times a year. alone. Sometimes, though, I wonder I often wonder which of my son’s # of copies per issue price / yr if he still feels that same fear he felt problems came from him being in when he was a little boy and they 10 $30 care and which ones I caused before took him from me. 25 $60 50 $110 100 $195 ISSUE #21 // SPRING 2012 500 $955 www.risemagazine.org To order visit www.risemagazine.org/pages/e-store.html 80 E. 110th St. #1E Rise New York, NY 10029 You can fax us a purchase order at (212) 279-8856. 646-543-7099

DIRECTOR EDITORIAL BOARD NORA MCCARTHY TERESA BACHILLER CARMEN CABAN ITI WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN EDITORIAL DIRECTOR TRACEY CARTER StoriesS about reunification by parents affected by RACHEL BLUSTAIN PIAZADORA FOOTMAN tthe child welfare system, 82 pp. $12 ERICA HARRIGAN-ORR PRODUCTION BEVANJAE KELLEY WWhen children act out after reunification, parents EFRAIN REYES LYNNE MILLER JEFF FAERBER JEANETTE VEGA ofteno feel overwhelmed. Help parents understand ROBIN WILEY children’sc fear and anger and learn healthy responses ART INSTRUCTOR JOANNE PENDOLA tthat other parents have used to repair relationships wwith their children. CONTRIBUTING WRITERS ASHLEY BREWSTER ANNA JONES GIANNINA BRITO NICOLE JONES It Won’t Happen Again includes: CARLA BURKS EBONIE KING CARMEN CABAN ROBIN LARIMORE * 9 stories by parents who have * Worksheets for each story to help WANDA CHAMBERS HERBERT MORALES DINAH CLEMMONS-GIBSON DESIREE NAVARRO reunified with their children parents reflect on their experiences NANCY COLON DAISY NUNEZ and define “action steps” they can take LAWANDA CONNELLY ILKA PEREZ * Discussion guides for each story— to handle the stresses of reunification SONIA DIAZ SYLVIA PEREZ use in staff training, parenting classes, or SANDRA EVANS CHRYSTAL REDDICK parent support groups DAMARIS FIGUEROA ANTOINETTE ROBINSON TAHITIA FOGGIE WANDA RODRIGUEZ SYLVIA FLORES SAMANTHA RUIZ NICOLE GOODWIN EVELYN SALAZAR TO ORDER GO TO: QUANDA GREEN BARNES MILAGROS SANCHEZ http://www.risemagazine.org/pages/e-store.html TONI HOY MARY THUNKER SABRA JACKSON

2 Rise / SPRING 2012 HELPING HAND ‘A Child’s Whole Sense of Security Is Shaken’ What families need when children come home from foster care.

BY NICOLE JONES

Arietta Slade, City University of New will ever see his mom again, while an when parents don’t tell their children what it was like when mommy got York professor of clinical psychology 8-year-old can at least understand a no, that doesn’t help a child feel safe. hit, when the police came, when the and co-director of Minding the Baby, a little bit about what’s going on and It’s scary for a child to feel that he’s boy had to go to the hospital. The mother-infant program at the Yale Child can communicate his feelings to more powerful than his parents. parent and therapist work together Study Center, describes the impact somebody else. to address the child’s feelings. that removal can have on children and Other times, parents feel rejected. parents and the support they need to Lastly, what happens when mom The parents have all of their hopes Some therapists only want to see reconnect: and child are reunited makes a dif- pinned on reunion. But then, because the child alone. But if a child therapist ference. When children come home, the child is angry or traumatized, the does not involve the parent, particu- Q: How does placement in everyone wants things to be positive. child misbehaves, and the parent feels larly in a situation where there’s been foster care affect children? But usually parents and children have very angry and let down. a removal and reunion, that child such strong feelings that it’s not easy. therapist is not doing her job. A child You want to think about it like this: It’s a time full of hope and dreams, That’s why it’s so important to get as cannot get better unless therapy is We survive by being connected to and full of disappointments. much help as possible around both focused on helping repair the child’s other people. It’s the most natural separation and reunion. relationship with his parent. thing in the world for children to Because of all of these factors, foster become attached to their parents, to care placement and reunification will Q: How can family therapy After parents have had a child wel- form a relationship with people who be a different experience for each help? fare case, it can feel scary to put can take care of them, love them and child. Some children end up doing their private business out there and provide for them. Given the strength well despite all they’ve been through The most important thing family many are skeptical of therapy. Most of these connections, then, foster and some have a really hard time. therapy can do is help repair the rela- therapists try very hard not to involve care placement can be extremely tionship between the parent and the themselves with the child welfare painful for both parent and child. Q: What do families go child. In Child-Parent Psychotherapy, system but you may want to discuss through when your concerns with your There are a number of factors that children come therapist before you start. can make that separation hard, really home? hard, or terrible. It’s also important to find Any parent who a therapist you feel com- First, there are the circumstances that has had her children fortable with. You may led up to the separation. removed is going to want to see a therapist have a lot of very two or three times. Then Second, it matters how the removal strong, intense feel- ask yourself: “Is this some- is carried out. Ideally, the world ings. Some parents one I could imagine letting makes sense to children. If the might feel relieved, down my guard with?” A removal comes with no warning, like a mother who therapist who can really the children don’t understand what’s knows she has a listen and communicate at going on, and everybody’s really drug problem so big a child’s level can help. upset—that in itself is a major trau- that she can’t care ma. The child being terribly frightened for her children. But The most important can lead to a lot of lasting difficulties. many parents also feel thing for parents is not to

shame, humiliation, or ILLUSTRATION BY MELANIE LEONG minimize the child’s expe- Where a child is placed is another terrible guilt. Parents rience. A lot of parents factor. Some children are fortunate also are often very, wish their involvement enough to be placed with family very angry at the foster with the child welfare system members who really know them. care system. Oftentimes mothers and which I practice, children come in and would all go away, and they convince Some are not. They may experience fathers don’t have any place to talk we encourage them to play. Then themselves that being in foster care multiple placements or bad place- about their feelings or get help. the parent, the therapist and the child was no big deal for their child. It’s ments. When siblings aren’t able to make sense of the play together. important to remember that a child’s stay together, that makes it even When the children come home, whole sense of security can be shak- harder. both parents and children usually Let’s say a child has witnessed his en by foster care, and he may need have such strong feelings that it’s not mother being beaten. You’d be sur- an extra level of support, security, The age of the child is also a factor. easy. One thing that happens a lot is prised by how often that violence understanding and patience when he A child who is very young may have that parents feel guilty so they bend comes into the child’s play. When it comes home. no way of understanding whether he over backwards to be a friend. But does, mother and child can talk about

Rise / SPRING 2012 3 FIRST PERSON Bonded for Life Family therapy helped my son and me reconnect.

BY ROBIN WILEY

Twelve years ago, when my taking care of my children During one of our sessions, Caiseem son Caiseem was 5, he came and needed someone seemed embarrassed when I men- home from foster care, where to talk to. My counselor tioned his lying and stealing. I felt the he had been since birth. helped me a lot. With her, same way when he said, “Mom’s Caiseem is the youngest of I realized that counseling is always yelling about stuff.” I knew I my four children. I’ve always mostly about listening to yelled but I didn’t understand the way felt a strong connection with yourself and having some- it sounded to him. each one of my children, but one whose responses can with Caiseem, something was help you think from a new Ms. Gamble gave us an assignment to missing. perspective. That counselor do at home. Caiseem was to ask for helped me hear myself. what he wanted instead of stealing, Pieces Missing and I was to congratulate Caiseem While he was in care, I would ‘We Need Counseling’ on his good work. visit Caiseem at the agency, This time I went with and during those visits I could Caiseem. We were intro- As for me, I was to talk instead of feel that something wasn’t duced to a really smart and yelling, and when I did yell, Caiseem right. I felt that there was a understanding therapist was to say, “Mom, do you know wall between my baby and at the Northside Center you’re yelling?” Then I should stop me. But I would put that feel- for Child Development and count slowly from 10 backwards ing to the side and just try to in New York City. At first to one. be happy to see my baby. I wasn’t sure she could help us because she was Sometimes I would apologize. Other Caiseem was a big old bundle younger than me and didn’t times I found myself saying, “Yeah, I of joy, especially when his have children, but she really know I’m yelling, and that’s because I father would pick him up. helped to bring us together. have to keep repeating myself.” We ILLUSTRATION BY DANI REYES MOZESON Then he would smile from discussed this in the next session. How Can We Bond? ear to ear. But from the Caiseem and I were very In the years after he came home, I beginning, I didn’t feel like I got a nervous at our first session. But after Hearing Ourselves constantly wondered what I could positive response from him. Instead, Ms. Gamble introduced herself, we Other times we played a game do to create a bond with my son. I I felt like he was looking around for started to relax. She had such a soft where I would be Caiseem and he knew I needed to reach him, because his father. and comforting voice—you know, would be me. he was going through many issues at the kind that makes you feel like she school and at home. Separated at Birth cares. Playing Caiseem, I would say things I wondered if Caiseem understood like, “Ma, can I go outside?” Caiseem would not talk much. He somehow that, when I was pregnant Ms. Gamble told us that we would would stay out past curfew. He with him, I didn’t want him. During talk to her together. Other times, “Go outside for what?” he’d say. I would steal. When questioned, he my pregnancy, I hoped God would would lie. He would even steal from take him away because I didn’t want his brother and lie about it, or steal to bring him into this world while I in school. I would make him give his Counseling is mostly about listening to yourself was homeless and using crack. allowance to pay for what he stole, and having someone whose responses can help but discipline didn’t solve the prob- I asked God to forgive me for my you think from a new perspective. lem. negative thoughts, but I feared that Caiseem always felt unloved and Finally, when Caiseem was 12, I unwanted, no matter how I tried to we would take turns talking with her began to think, “Every time I ask for thought, “He needs counseling.” love him. separately, and then we would talk something, he’s yelling.” I really started Then I corrected myself: “No, we together about some of what we’d feeling sad. need counseling.” We needed some- Looking back, I think I felt rejected discussed. one to help us understand what the by my son because I felt so guilty, Other times, Caiseem, acting as me, problem was. and that there was a wall between Homework and Games would ask me if I took something. us because he went into foster care Ms. Gamble gave us homework and Caiseem has this puppy dog look he I had been to counseling myself, not right from the hospital, before we games to help us open up and try gives where he looks real cute. I’d long after my children came home, had time to connect. new ways of relating. give him that sad look and I wouldn’t because I was really stressed about say anything.

4 Rise / SPRING 2012 UPDATE Do No Harm Addressing the traumatic impact of removal.

BY LYNNE MILLER AND ERICA HARRIGAN-ORR

“Mommy, why you not answer- Erika Tullberg, the administrative director of the NYC Network, educates child-serving systems about trauma ing me?” he’d ask, getting frus- Children’s Services-NYU Children’s Trauma Institute, and and provides trauma services to children and families trated. Carol Wilson Spigner, a retired University of Pennsylvania social work professor, talked with Rise about the traumatic For example, we have developed fact sheets that teach “Cause I’m being you, and that’s impact that foster care placement can have on parents and parents directly about trauma, and we let them know what you do!” I said. children, and what the system can do to reduce that trauma: that there are ways that past traumas might affect their parenting, such as making it hard to recognize what is Caiseem was always afraid to ask Q: What makes placement in safe or unsafe, deal with stress, or trust for what he wanted, because I foster care traumatic for par- other people. For many parents, getting might say no. But a little while ents and children? this kind of education is really the first after that, he did stop stealing. time they’ve understood how trauma Tullberg: There are situations when has impacted them, and it can give them ‘Ma! Ma!’ removing a child may be necessary for back some of that feeling of control they Those experiences really helped the child’s safety. It can also motivate lost when their children were taken from Caiseem and me understand parents to get treatment or address past them. each other’s perspectives and traumas. But removal is almost always a change our behaviors. But most trauma as well. The child welfare system We’re also helping workers deal with of all, going to therapy together isn’t always good at acknowledging that their own exposure to trauma. When brought us closer. in helping children, their interventions you take the trauma that workers hear may also do harm. about on a daily basis, you add the very I’ve noticed a big change in my real fear for the safety of the child, and son. Before he wouldn’t talk to Spigner: This helps to explain why, you overlay that with workers’ fears not me, but now he is eager to share even when compared to children clas- just of losing their job but of possibly and connect. sified as high risk, outcomes are worse going to jail for not removing a child, it’s ILLUSTRATION BY KELVIN McLENNON for kids who enter foster care. They are extremely challenging for workers to Some days after school, Caiseem more likely than even other high-risk kids make good, nuanced decisions. They can will rush into my bedroom all to have attachment disorders, depression and anxiety, begin to see the world in terms of all or nothing, black or excited and say, “Ma, you know poor social skills, aggression and impulsivity. white. But if we help them deal with those emotions, it’s what happened today at school?” likely they’ll be better able to make better decisions. Children often don’t understand why they are being Happy and Connected taken into foster care, no matter how often people Spigner: Because foster care placement can be so I remember one time when I did explain it to them, and they end up feeling that everything traumatic to children, a big part of the answer is to get not feel like talking with him. I that happened was their fault. They also worry about creative about serving children in their own families. was thinking, “Oh, no, Caiseem, how their parents are doing without them. When they I’m tired.” come home, they worry whether they can trust their parents. Their relationships have been disrupted, so they ‘The child welfare system isn’t I said to him, “Not now, I’m don’t trust adults, or any relationship, to protect them. always good at acknowledging watching my show.” Tullberg: Many parents who come to the attention of that in helping children, their Then he grabbed the remote child welfare have traumatic histories themselves. When interventions may also do harm.’ and pressed pause, lying on the their children are removed, they experience that loss of bed with his head on my shoul- power and control all over again, and they can get stuck der, telling me about his incident in a feeling of helplessness. Some parents react with A safety plan might include anticipating times when a par- at school, like a little boy. anger. Other parents fall into quite a deep depression ent with a mental illness might be out of control, and the that makes it seem like they are giving up on their kids kids can go someplace else or mom can leave the home. I noticed that his hair was really or makes it hard to give their children the support they It might be a visiting nurse or a daycare program that fresh smelling from the apple need. makes sure that kids are seen on a regular basis. In many shampoo he uses, and as I lis- cases, there has to be some action taken to make sure tened and talked with him, I felt Q: What can child welfare do to reduce the kids are safe, but that action doesn’t have to be to take so happy and connected to my trauma of foster care placement? kids totally out of the family. son. I can actually say we have bonded. Tullberg: One thing it can do is become more trauma- The challenge for child welfare agencies, families and informed. The ACS-NYU Children’s Trauma Institute, communities is to minimize trauma while keeping childen which is part the National Child Traumatic Stress safe and connected to their families.

Rise / SPRING 2012 5 FIRST PERSON A Long Time Gone Fourteen years later, my children still feel scared and angry.

BY NICOLE JONES

In January 1999, my life changed in Learning the Truth, Slowly into care, she became instant mom. my middle boy. When he came one moment because of an anony- When my children first came home, When she came home, it was hard home he was very withdrawn and mous call saying I beat my kids, which I felt a wall up between my children for her to let go of being the mother. at the same time very aggressive and was not true. Child welfare removed and me. Over time, and with the She became very over-protective of disrespectful. Sometimes when we my four children, two boys and two help of family therapy, they began her siblings and me, and she would were walking down the street, he girls, ages 2, 4, 6 and 8. to open up. I learned that my older always ask, “Mommy do you need would start yelling and cursing, seem- son’s foster mother had burnt him me to do anything?” ingly for no reason. At the time, their father was using with a light bulb while my middle drugs and he was running with a He was so frustrated and angry that crack crowd without my knowledge. he wasn’t able to learn. His teachers At the same time, child protective reported that he would sometimes services were going through our hide in the closet or go under the housing project like an epidemic of desk. I had him put in Special Ed and its own. The night CPS came to our for several years I sent him to his door, they assumed all sorts of ter- own therapy but nothing seemed to rible things about us, grabbed our help. kids and asked questions later. ‘I’m Just So Angry’ Confusion and Fear The best thing that’s happened for The way they took our kids was my middle son is that he’s in school traumatizing for us, but it was even to be a barber. Before, I could never worse for our children. The first time get him up to go to school, but now our children saw us after child welfare he’s up by 5 in the morning and out took them, they had a look of pure the door by 7:30. I think learning to shock on their faces. They said the be a barber is helping him feel whole. police told them that we were dead. Still, he has times when he gets After a month, child welfare let my upset and starts yelling and scream- mom take our kids, but then they ing obsessively. He’ll say, “I don’t received a report that the kids were love myself. I hate myself. I’m just so going to school dirty. I believe my angry.” mom was overwhelmed by suddenly having four kids to take care of. But My children are now 16, 18, 19, and when they came for the kids, they 21. When I see how they continue didn’t even give my kids any warning. to suffer, I suck back tears. I have My kids ran out of the house into the trouble saying no to anything they ask streets trying to get away any way for, even expensive things they don’t ILLUSTRATION BY YC they could. My boys and girls were need and haven’t earned. Knowing separated from each other and each everything my children went through pair went through three different fos- makes me feel an enormous guilt. ter homes in two years. son watched. The boys also told me Even though I tell her all the time, about being left in a dark room and “Relax, you don’t need to be the I’ve shown my children all the papers When my daughter Alliyah was not being allowed to eat what the mother,” sometimes when she’s I have that prove all the efforts about 3, I saw that she had been foster mother’s grandchildren were frustrated with me, she still says, “You I made to get them home. But beat, with belt marks all up and down eating or go out and play. They told wasn’t there for two years. I got this.” sometimes they will look at me and her back. I reported the foster moth- me that they really didn’t understand ask me, “When we was in foster er to the law guardian, the judge, my what was going on. I sat them down The Scars Don’t Heal care, what was you doing? Were lawyer, the public advocate’s office, and explained that I hadn’t known Even now, when someone knocks you happy or sad?” It’s almost like, and the Black Women’s Association, there was a system like that, either. on the door, sometimes my children 14 years later, they still can’t get and my girls were moved. But there run and hide, even though they are over feeling that I abandoned them, was a lot that happened when my My oldest daughter told me how grown. My older son and daughter despite all the love I’ve shown them kids were in care that they didn’t tell hard it was to watch her younger both have trouble sleeping. and all the times I’ve told them how me until much later. sister being beat and not be able to lonely I was when they were gone. do anything about it. When she went But the biggest impact has been on

6 Rise / SPRING 2012 UPDATE Home Base Intensive in-home services can keep children safer than placement.

BY NICOLE GOODWIN

Youth Villages—a national program welfare, often they’ve of this child?’” We serving children with emotional and already decided it help parents learn behavioral disorders, as well as children would be better to how to advocate who have suffered physical or sexual treat the child out of for their children in abuse—has pioneered an intensive the home because school, too. in-home treatment program that works they’re very con- better than residential placement. Dr. cerned about safety. There’s not a par- Tim Goldsmith, chief clinical officer, Typically what we ticular counseling discusses what it takes to keep children have to do in those technique we use. safe at home: situations is let that The main thing we caseworker know ask is: What are the When Youth Villages first started, that we will be in barriers to this fam- about 20 years ago, we only provid- the home whenever ily being successful? ed out-of-home services to children we’re needed. on our residential campuses. Investing in We can do that What Works We ran a good program and we because our counsel- To provide the kind assumed that the more time children ors carry four cases of services we do, spent with us in residential treatment and that’s all, and our money is always a the better they’d do. But when we counselors receive ILLUSTRATION BY ELIZABETH DEEGAN struggle. We do a did the research—by calling parents, three to five hours of lot of private fund- teachers, children and court work- supervision a week, so raising, but the vast ers up to two years after kids left they go into the field cation, we make certain the appoint- majority of our us—instead we found the opposite. feeling like they know what they’re ments are made and kept. funding still comes from state con- The kids who did the best were doing. On average, our counselors tracts, the Medicaid system, and the the kids who spent the least time in visit a family three times a week. When parents are overwhelmed, child welfare system. That means we residential treatment and the most Sometimes it’s seven days a week. we work on finding extra sources of have to convince all those systems time at home. What that told us is We also have staff on call 24 hours a support. We also help parents learn that we are a worthwhile investment. that we were not spending enough day, seven days a week. new parenting strategies. We know time, energy and resources to help that physical punishment works in the One of the things that speaks loudly the families have a successful environ- Making Sure of Safety short term but it doesn’t work in the to child welfare is when you can ment for the child to live in. Cases typically last three to six long term, and it can also invite child show them that you can get better months. During that time, we do protective services into your home. results with less money. When we Today our largest program provides many things. We discuss that. show that we can get better results intensive in-home services, and that’s spending $150 a day, as opposed to the program that has the best results. We make sure there’s safety in the One of the most important things $350 a day on residential care, most It’s not that we’re taking the best home. For example, if there is an we do is help parents learn to advo- child welfare systems are convinced families into our home program, to work with us. either. Our research shows that it’s the same kids, and the ones who ‘We assumed that the more time children Sometimes, though, systems say, stay home do better. When we “We only have so much money. were just doing residential treatment, spent in residential treatment, the better. But Can you change your program a little our success rate 12 months after research found the opposite: The kids who did bit?” We say, “No, that’s not what discharge—in terms of the child living the best spent the least time in residential and we do.” at home, going to school, not having trouble with the law or engaging in the most time at home.’ I think the larger message of our risky behavior—was 65%. Now it’s work is that it gets easier when dol- 86%. lars are spent on services that work. In all honesty, we know what works. Convincing the System extra relative living in the home who cate for themselves. Before we go It’s incredibly frustrating that systems Youth Village’s children are referred is using drugs, we work with those to court, we role-play what it’s going spend time, energy and money on to us by schools, state Medicaid parents to develop a plan to get to be like. We’ll say: “What if the things that don’t work just because systems, and child welfare systems. that relative out. If mom or dad has judge asks you, ‘Well, ma’am, how that’s the way things have always When the referral comes from child mental health issues and needs medi- are you going to be able to take care been done.

Rise / SPRING 2012 7 FIRST PERSON Time for Bed My kids’ tears at bedtime reminded me of more painful goodbyes.

BY JEANETTE VEGA

Until recently, my 4-year-old and robot, making Remi my mini-robot. mark on his back. I felt terrible. up, he wouldn’t sleep, either. 1-year-old had no schedule. They’d eat when they were hungry and Disastrous Consequences The next day, my family saw the Other times, we had them in bed sleep when they were tired. When Remi was a year old, I quit marks and called child welfare. Remi and asleep early—for nothing. They’d school and we moved to our own ended up spending three years in wake up by midnight as if they’d While my 12-year-old, Remi, went to apartment. But I didn’t handle the foster care. Looking back, it breaks been napping. After that, oh man. bed at 10 p.m., my little guys, X-man freedom well. I was young and want- my heart to realize how young and They had recharged their batteries and Zachary, would usually fall asleep ed to hang out, so I either kept Remi stupid I was. and were ready to play until 3 or 4 around 3 a.m. and wake up at 1 or 2 out with me or dropped him off at a.m. When Dad and I tried to insist in the afternoon. my mom’s. Enjoying the Baby Years on sleep, they would scream and cry Years after Remi came home, like we were torturing them. ‘Your Kids Are Still Up?’ my hubby and I had two My mom called us vampires. more children. This time, I When my boys cried, it took me My neighbors would say, convinced myself that it was back to when Remi was in foster “Your kids are still up? better to be lenient. Besides, care. When the workers snatched Oh, no, girl, I don’t play I worked all day. I didn’t him from me, he screamed. At every that.” want to come home just visit, he cried. For years I could hear to watch my children his screams and remember his little I told myself, “I believe sleep. arms reaching out to me. children should be free to be themselves. But a year ago, X-man Sometimes when my sons cried, I’d Let them be them!” As was about to start pre- tell myself, “I couldn’t stop Remi’s a kid, my mother’s rules school. I wanted him and cries then but I can stop their cries were too much for me. I Zach going to sleep at a now.” wanted my sons to see me reasonable time and waking

N O as love and comfort. R up rested. Other times, though, I would get D L A W frustrated. I would grab them and put IA N Y A But I was also afraid that I would H I also began to want some them on the bed. Then I worried, T Y B N lose my cool with my kids if I IO time to relax by myself. Many “Am I grabbing them too rough? Am T A R T S U tried to get them to do what I L nights, the boys would run I neglecting them by letting them cry IL wanted them to. That’s what wild, playing tag, catch, hide and scream until they’re losing their had happened with my old- and-seek, screaming and fight- breath?” I was afraid I would lose my est—and he ended up spend- ing until they collapsed—in babies just because I wanted them to ing three years in foster care. our bed. The chaos was starting to go to sleep. Sad to say, I was barely with Remi, frustrate me. Robot and Mini-Robot and as the year passed, I found him With Remi, I had tried following a harder and harder to handle. Many strict routine. When he was born, nights Remi stayed up until 1 a.m. I wasn’t always confident that we’d have I was 18, living at home and deter- throwing toys, papers and clothes. I tomorrow together. My mind would go back mined to show my family that I could was always wondering, “What next?” handle a child, school and a job. I to the day that I said ‘goodbye’ to Remi and he woke up at 7 a.m. and had Remi in The night before Remi’s second was gone for years. daycare by 8. I went to college from birthday changed our lives. I was tak- 9 until noon, then headed straight ing a shower and Remi was in his to McDonald’s and worked until 5. I crib. When I got out of the shower, picked Remi up by 6 p.m. I saw the front door open and Remi So my husband and I started to try to Stern Mom, Good Mom gone. I freaked out, ran to the door put our little ones to bed by 10 p.m. Eventually, though, I began to feel a When we got home, we ate dinner and there he was, playing outside all little more certain that being con- and played but by 8 I was getting alone. Feeling the Frustration sistent wouldn’t make me a mean Remi ready for bed. Then it was time At first, it was a disaster. Just when mom—it would help my kids learn for my homework, and by 10, I was God forgive me but I flipped out I thought they were falling asleep, respect and discipline so they could out. and made the biggest mistake of my X-man would start his, “Please, have constructive lives. life: I hit my son. He had a bruise on Mommy, let me watch just one more I got so tired of this life. I was like a his arm and his face, and a small red cartoon.” And if Zachy saw X-man So my hubby and I decided to back

8 Rise / SPRING 2012 LEGAL UPDATE ‘What Do You Need?’ Approaching parents as partners helps families out of crisis.

BY SAMANTHA RUIZ each other more. When we both said, In many places, families who are to protect their children. “It’s bedtime,” it was more effective. investigated for child abuse or neglect face an unexpected visit LOMAN: When child welfare sys- We focused on sticking to a basic sched- from a child protective worker who tems ask, “What do you need?” ule: After X-Man got home from school, knocks on the door and announces families consistently request help I would take the kids outside and let that she will investigate the family. with their basic needs, like emer- them run and play. Once I brought them During the investigation, parents gency food, clothing, help with hous- upstairs, they’d eat, play some more, then are often focused only on getting ing, transportation, day care. What get in the bath by 10 p.m. Soon the boys child welfare out of their lives—even we’ve found is that once you begin were in bed by 12:30 a.m. at the latest. if they really do need help with ILLUSTRATION BY TAMIKA ONO-KNIGHT to address these kinds of poverty practical problems like child care issues, the safety issues are not as Of course we heard: “No, I don’t want or clothing for their children, or parenting supports that likely to come back. I’m not saying that all you have to.” But as time passed I began to see would keep the family from reaching a crisis point where to do is address poverty and all other family prob- that X-Man and Zachy seemed relieved children do wind up being removed. lems go away. But addressing poverty makes it easier that we were telling them when to slow to deal with the other problems. down. But some states are trying a less intrusive and more supportive approach. Here, Caren Kaplan, the former KAPLAN: If a family is sleeping in the car and mom Together as a Family director of child protection reform at the American needs psychotropic medication, it’s unfair and unrea- The final frontier was getting the kids Humane Association, and Tony Loman, research director sonable to expect mom to take her medication and to sleep in their own beds every night. of the Institute of Applied Research, describe “differential engage in treatment. In a differential response system, My hubby and I decided that, when we response.” workers can help families find housing and give fami- moved to a new apartment, we would lies gas cards. They can bring mom diapers or food move the bedtime back to 10 p.m. and LOMAN: The idea of “differential response” is that for the baby. Differential response workers still have insist that they stay in their beds. child protective services needs more than just one the power to remove a child if they believe that a kind of response—an investigation—for all the kinds child is in imminent danger. But for most cases on the Once again it was a struggle. They kept of child protective cases. In the early 1970s, the idea assessment track, workers really do approach families getting up and coming to our room, cry- of child protective services was to respond to severe more as partners than as adversaries. ing, which I hated. But I found that I was cases of child abuse. But during the 1970s and 1980s, now able to stay calm. I would take them states began to respond to all kinds of things, like a back to their beds saying, “You will be dirty house, or inadequate clothing or food. People ‘If you went through a red light, fine. I love you. It’s time for bed.” began to ask, “Do we really need to do a police-like you wouldn’t want or need investigation for all these cases?” After we put the kids back to bed about a SWAT team as a response. 50 times a night for a week, X-Man and KAPLAN: A good analogy is that if you went through We often give families a type of Zach started to get in their own beds a red light, you wouldn’t want or need a SWAT and say goodnight to us. It was like a team as a response. We often give families a type of response that is unwarranted.’ dream. After that, everything seemed to response that is unwarranted. fall into place. Soon we were eating as a family, talking and making jokes together. Families who are investigated are left feeling scared From the very beginning, the research has shown that and angry. If their situations don’t meet the standard children are no less safe when we use the assessment Ok to Be Apart of “imminent danger” to the child, the family usually approach with lower-risk families. We also see that Now it feels good to tell my children, declines services and the case is closed. But often, the families don’t cycle back through the system the way “Goodnight. Tomorrow is another day same families are reported to the system again with they did before. for fun and games.” I wasn’t always confi- more problems and more safety issues because the dent that we’d have tomorrow together. family didn’t get any help. I think that when parents initially experience an My mind would go back to the day that I assessment, they’re not too thrilled. Who is thrilled said “goodbye” to Remi and he was gone In a differential response system, anywhere from 50% about child protection showing up? But when we for years. But I’ve learned that it’s OK to to 70% of cases called in to the State Central Registry got feedback from parents who had experienced the be a little apart. might receive an “assessment” instead of an investi- assessment approach, they talked about the fact that gation. With an assessment, there’s no unexpected they were listened to for first the time in their lives. I’m proud that my husband and I got knock at the door. Instead, the worker calls to set Many continued to have contact with the worker through our fears. What happened in the up an appointment with the family. The worker’s job after the case was closed. Several of the families had past won’t happen again. is to partner with families, listen to what families say experienced both types of interventions, and they they need, and help families build their own capacity said there was there was really no comparison.

Rise / SPRING 2012 9 FIRST PERSON Too Scared to Learn My daughter had to deal with her foster care fears before she could focus in school.

BY ANONYMOUS

My daughter had some very seri- she could earn a reward. ous problems when she started first grade. Kindergarten wasn’t too ‘Not a Baby Anymore’ smooth, either, so on the first day of The therapist also noticed me calling school this year I was encouraging my daughter “Little Mama.” “Why her, saying, “This year is a new year are you doing that?” she asked. for you.” I had high hopes. “It’s just something I call her,” I said. A Difficult First Day I dressed my daughter in her uni- “No, Mom. You need to call her by form—yellow tights with a blue her name,” she said. “She’s not little jumper and a long sleeved yellow anymore, and she’s the child.” shirt. But as we approached the school, my daughter started crying, She also told me that I need to let holding onto a metal railing and refus- my daughter grow up in certain ways. ing to go inside. “It’ll be OK,” I told I have to stop getting her dressed, her. “You look so beautiful.” tying her shoes and cleaning her room. Treating her like a baby allows In the cafeteria where the noise was her to act like a baby, she said, and tremendous, quite a few children that’s part of why she has tantrums. were crying, so I didn’t feel as bad that my baby was in tears. When I Playing Catch Up

walked my daughter upstairs to her ILLUSTRATION BY KINGSLEE GOURRICK That advice made me feel sad. I classroom, she did not let go of my Because of my drug use, my daughter “I’m sorry, but this is what we need know my daughter is a big girl, and I hand. When she picked out a desk, spent three years in foster care. But to do because you need help. You don’t want to hurt her development she finally calmed down and I gave a I also felt angry at my daughter. I felt need to see a doctor,” I told her. in any way. But I also fear that her last kiss goodbye. she could do better. growing up is coming too soon. I feel Earning Stars and Rewards that I missed out on my daughter’s ‘I Will Behave’ She Needed Help Finally, we met with a psychiatrist early years, so treating her like she is But my daughter’s fears did not go In our house, everyone felt full with and then with a very nice therapist. still small is a comfort for me. When away. She was having a major prob- anger and disappointment. My daugh- The therapist said it sounded like my I hug and kiss her, dress her and just lem dealing with the other kids, and ter was getting so angry sometimes daughter was having separation anxi- wipe her tears away, I feel like I’m she kept crying and not respecting that she would kick the wall, throw ety, probably because of her experi- playing catch up. the teacher’s rules. I was embarrassed her toys everywhere, and tear things ence in foster care. The therapist told when I heard about her behavior. up. She would even tell me that she me that by focusing on the positive Plus, my own growing up was so hated herself and she wished she terrible that I want to protect my The teacher began calling to say that were dead. my daughter was throwing herself on the floor, poking kids with her pencil I decided to call a mental health hot- By focusing on the positive things my daughter and threatening kids with scissors. line. They advised me to take her to did, we could help her feel better about That was very scary. the emergency room so she could herself and less fearful and angry. get a psychiatric evaluation. My husband and I took everything fun out of my daughter’s room and When my daughter and I got there, made her write in her punishment we were sent to the adult psychiatric things my daughter did, instead of daughter and keep her by my side book, “I will behave,” but it didn’t ward. I felt nervous for our safety. punishing her, we could help her feel always. I was only 5 when my mom help. In about three weeks we had Everybody was in pajamas and some better about herself and less fearful and dad left my brothers and me four conferences with the school of the men seemed drunk or were and angry. alone in the streets. In my adoptive counselor, principal, parent coordina- talking to themselves. When we sat home, I was abused and beaten. I tor and teacher to discuss my daugh- down, they all stared at us, especially The therapist gave me a chart where never had a birthday party or a per- ter’s behavior. my daughter in her braids and pink my daughter could earn stars for the son who hugged me or loved me. jacket. Immediately, she started crying positive things she does. At the end I blamed myself because soon after and said she wanted to go home. of the week, if she had enough stars, Even today I still wish I had a mother my daughter was born, I relapsed. to love me and help me raise my

10 Rise / SPRING 2012 TEEN PERSPECTIVE Taking No Chances Would my daughter be taken from me if I stayed in foster care?

BY DESIREE NAVARRO daughter. I still wish I had my When I found out I was preg- myself in to the foster care dad to hold on to me and nant, I was 19 and living in system and focused on my protect me and let me know foster care. I didn’t want my goal of a financially secure everything is going to be all daughter to be born into the future. right. I love holding my daugh- foster care system. ter’s hand as we walk, letting Home for Good her know I will always be here. I I myself went into care with When I got pregnant at 18, truly feel empty from my child- my sister when I was 4 and I decided that raising my hood, and I don’t want her to she was 1. Growing up, I felt daughter safe with family feel empty or alone. like my little sister and I were was more important than alone in this world. We lived the financial supports I could Making Progress in many homes and went get to attend college while Now my daughter goes to through verbal and physical in foster care. So when I therapy every week and talks abuse. We never felt loved or was two months pregnant, I about being in foster care, understood why we couldn’t told my caseworker, “I want missing her brothers, her fears return home to our biological to sign myself out.” Four about school, and her progress. mom, even after she stopped months later, home I went using drugs. The idea that my to my mother’s Harlem We have a chart for the house, daughter would be born into apartment. and at school the teacher also care really haunted me. has a chart with stars so we Living with my mom hasn’t can see her progress. Everyone I also feared that if I raised exactly been how I thought at school is seeing how the my baby in foster care, she it would be. At first, every- therapy sessions and the charts would fall into the hands of thing was great. My mom are helping her. the system. When my older ILLUSTRATION BY MELANIE LEONG was with me for the whole sister was in foster care, she problems from us and she was a very 27 hours I was in labor. In the house my little girl is permanently lost her parental rights high-spirited person. The only time Since Jada was born, my mother has doing so well. She now makes to her first daughter and to this day I saw my mom cry was when visits been my support, and she loves Jada her bed and cleans her room. she is unsure why. were over. If my sister and I cried to dearly. She usually respects Mom and her, she would cry with us. But she Dad and does her homework My older sister hasn’t seen her daugh- would always tell us, “Everything is Even so, a couple of months after I with no attitude. In the morning, ter in years, and her other children going to be OK.” My mom made me gave birth we began to bump heads. she dresses herself for school have never even met their sister. I’ve feel that no one in the world mat- All I know is that we can’t really han- and ties her shoes. Every night also met many other girls in care who tered but us. dle one another’s attitude. Now I am she reads at bedtime with me. have lost their children. I didn’t want planning to move out, get into college I am so proud of her and I that to happen to me. As a teenager, I ran away from my and begin a career as a nurse. always tell her that with hugs and kisses. But I’m glad I left foster care to live The idea that my daughter would be born into with my mother. We needed the There are days when she care really haunted me. opportunity to get to know each doesn’t do what she’s supposed other better, and I was able to take to. Some days I feel a constant Jada’s first year off from working or guilt that she’s having problems. going to school so I could focus on I think to myself, “If I didn’t use I Belonged at Home foster homes to stay with my mom my motherly duties. (Jada’s father also drugs and abandon her she Above all, I wanted my daughter to over and over, off and on for two helped me with money.) would be different.” grow up with what I didn’t have—a years. By then, my mom was sober family. Throughout the years that I and my older siblings were living at I also joined a training program at the But I am beginning to see that lived in foster care, I felt I belonged in home again, but my mother’s rights Child Welfare Organizing Project, my daughter and I can still be my mother’s house. to my little sister and me were ter- which trains parents to know their close as she gains more inde- minated. rights. CWOP has helped my mother pendence, and I feel proud of When I was little, visits with my for many years. I wanted to make how much we’ve accomplished mom made me feel relieved. My But when I was 14, I decided I need- sure I could protect Jada if the system together. My girl is growing up. mom always did her best to hide her ed to focus on school. So I turned ever got involved in my life again.

Rise / SPRING 2012 11 FIRST PERSON Two Weeks Too Many My daughters came home clingy, crying and aggressive

BY ERICA HARRIGAN-ORR

When my mom was drink- Preventive services gave Clinging, Crying and ing and using drugs, hours us a homemaker seven Aggression turned into days, and days hours a day, five days Before my children were removed, it turned into months. Many a week. I hoped all the really didn’t seem to affect them if we times I was removed from supports would be our went out. But after, they started hav- my home without ever best defense against ing lots of nightmares, and whenever really understanding why. ever losing our children. their dad or I would leave, or even just talk on the phone or go to the Until I was grown, I never But in January 2009, bathroom, they would cry and cling fully understood that my when my children were to us. At times, they would grow mother had a substance 1 and 2, I started hav- aggressive and throw their toys. abuse problem. Instead, ing problems with my And when the worker came by, their I always felt I must have medication, and then I smiles turned to tears. It seemed done something wrong. stopped taking it. Soon I like they were in a panic the whole

Every time I was removed, ILLUSTRATION BY TERRENCE TAYLOR started fighting with my time that she was going to take them I felt even more respon- husband. Once I got from us. sible, helpless and hopeless so angry I kicked a hole of ever getting the mother- was 23. My husband, their father, also in the door. Another Judged and Scared daughter bond I craved. grew up in care. time he broke my cell phone during It has been more than two years a fight, and, to get revenge, I called in since my kids have been home but Trying to Break the Cycle I wanted to leave the trauma of fam- a domestic violence report. my daughters continue to show I had my first daughter a year after ily separation in our past, so when I signs of separation anxiety. What has I aged out of foster care, at 22, and got pregnant, I signed up for parent- Repeating the Trauma helped most is constantly reassuring I had my second daughter when I ing and anger management classes. In the end, my therapist called child them, “We’re doing our best to keep protective services. My daughters you safe at home.” were 15 and 32 months when they were removed. They were gone Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe Rise for two weeks until a judge ordered my reassurances, though, because ABOUT more intensive services so they could when I go to court, the worker says return home. that I am not emotionally stable and Rise trains parents to write about tion about reprinting Rise stories recommends remanding the children their experiences with the child or using Rise in your work. Then in April 2009, the homemaker to foster care, despite the fact that welfare system in order to support For help with a child welfare reported that my house wasn’t clean, my therapist says that I am stable. parents and parent advocacy and case, please contact our partner there wasn’t enough food, and I The judge keeps extending court to guide child welfare practitioners organization, Children Welfare wasn’t compliant with services. Again, oversight of our case. and policymakers in becoming Organizing Project (CWOP), a CPS removed my children for two more responsive to the families parent advocacy and peer support and communities they serve. organization in East Harlem, NY: weeks. I feel like if I slip up and lose control www.cwop.org or 212-348-3000. even once, I could lose my children. I Our tri-annual print magazine and When they took my children, I felt trust my therapist, but with child wel- monthly stories on our website, Rise is fiscally sponsored by Youth like that helpless child I was when I fare, I just feel judged and scared. www.risemagazine.org, help par- Communication: www.youthcomm. went into foster care. And when my ents advocate for themselves and org. Rise supporters include the daughters came home, they were their children. We work with fam- Annie E. Casey Foundation, Casey scared. Adults may think, “They were ily support and child welfare agen- Family Programs, Center for only gone for two weeks each time,” cies to use Rise stories in parent the Study of Social Policy, Child but think about it from their perspec- groups and parenting education Welfare Fund, Hedge Funds Care, tive: My daughters didn’t know where classes. We partner with parent the Hite Foundation, North Star they were, why we’d left them, or if advocacy organizations to use Rise Fund, NYC Children’s Services, we were coming back. One time, we stories in child welfare reform. New Yorkers for Children, NYU didn’t even get to say goodbye. Sunshine Fund, Steve and Lauren Contact Rise Director Nora Pilgrim and Gary Pilgrim, Van McCarthy at nora@risemagazine. Ameringen Foundation, and the org or (646) 543-7099 for informa- Viola W. Bernard Foundation.

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