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Langsdorf SNL Packet

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Langsdorf SNL Packet THIS WEEK IN BILLY JOEL A COUPLE (Cecily Strong and Alex Moffat) sit at the kitchen table and read the newspaper in frustration. CECILY The news moves just too fast these days. I can’t keep up! ALEX You know what we need? For Billy Joel to rewrite “We Didn’t Start the Fire” every Monday morning to reflect the current news cycle. BILLY JOEL (KYLE MOONEY) Which is why I did. ALEX AND CECILY Billy Joel?! SUPER: “WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE: JULY 15, 2019 EDITION” What follows is a follow-the-bouncing-ball-style homage to the original 1989 music video. BILLY JOEL Justice Roberts, Bastille Day, trade with China, NRA/ Scar Johansson, Woody Harrelson, Bill de Blasio. Mitch McConnell, Richard Nixon, Storm Barry on Television/ North Korea, census questions, Megan Rapinoe. Djokovic beats Federer, Tindr date dismemberer/ ICE raids, FBI, AOC’s rogue PR guy. New York blackout, Lion King, England's winning cricket team/ Mar-A-Lago, Mick Mulvaney, bid Acosta goodbye! We didn't start the fire/ It was always burning since the world's been turning/ We didn’t start the fire/ No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it. (MORE) 2. BILLY JOEL (CONT'D) Trump Hotel emoluments, detention tours with VP Pence/ Hickenlooper, Kammy Harris, impeachment talk. Buttigieg’s Douglass Plan, sanctions failing in Iran/ Jar-ed Kush-ner, Wall Street’s rising stock. Feinstein, Epstein, women’s soccer’s winning team/ John Delaney, Lindsey Graham, Chuck and Nancy, Gillibrand. Ross Perot! Kim Jong-un! Storm Area 51! DMZ! R. Kelly! Troubled British Embassy! We didn't start the fire/ It was always burning since the world's been turning/ We didn’t start the fire/ No, we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it. Dershowitz, Yellow Vests, Bernie Sanders, Socialists, Sestak, DNC, Facebook and the FTC! Iowa, racist tweet, apology to Mayor Pete/ Gun debates and homicide; children at the border died. Baby Archie, Prime Day, Ariel, Rashida Tlaib/ Biden, Warren, Castro; devastated J. Lo. Ted Cruz, Brexit woes, diamond mine is set to close/ Bob Ross paintings, Lizzo, ebola in the Congo! We didn't start the fire/ It was always burning Since the world's been turning. We didn't start the fire/ No we didn't light it, But we tried to fight it. (MORE) 3. BILLY JOEL (CONT'D) Klobuchar, Boeing Max, deportations, wealth tax/ Stranger Things and Spiderman, something with Kardashian. Duchess Megan, Beyoncé, fallout from a dossier/ Shark Week, Kellyanne, earthquakes and Con Edison Hong Kong! Turkey! Russian missile strategy! Mikey Day’s just okay; what else do I have to say? Cut to MIKEY DAY on the couch, reading the paper and minding his own business. MIKEY DAY What? BILLY JOEL We didn't start the fire/ It was always burning Since the world's been turning. We didn't start the fire/ No we didn't light it, But we tried to fight it. Tyler Scaggs! Megan McCain! Serena Williams! Andrew Yang!/ Moonshot anniversary, Rep. Ayana Pressley/ Cori Bush in St. Louis, obstruction of justice!/ Louisiana, Swalwell, Tucker Carlson, Mike Gravel! Tulsi Gabbard, border crisis, climate change, fighting ISIS/ Foreign foes, Bernie bros, fentanyl, what Mueller knows/ Creepy teenage trafficking, MAGA at the Burger King/ Kids in cages, border wall, I can't take it anymore. We didn't start the fire/ It was always burning Since the world's been turning. We didn't start the fire/ But when we are gone Will it still burn on, and on, and on, and on. (MORE) 4. BILLY JOEL (CONT'D) We didn't start the fire/ It was always burning Since the world's been turning. We didn't start the fire/ No we didn't light it, But we tried to fight it. ALEX AND CECILY Thanks, Billy Joel! BLACKOUT. 5. COMMERCIAL: THE HUMAN CONDITION Sad piano music plays in the background. INT. BEDROOM - DAY NARRATOR - BECK BENNET (V.O.) Widespread aches and pains. A MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN (AIDY BRYANT) sits on a bed and rubs her neck. INT. AUDITORIUM - NIGHT NARRATOR (V.O.) Anxiety. An OLDER MAN (CHRIS REDD) stands at a podium. He wipes his brow. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT NARRATOR (V.O.) Sleeplessness. A MIDDLE-AGED MAN (ALEX MOFFAT) tosses and turns in a bed. INT. CHURCH - DAY NARRATOR (V.O.) Existential dread. A YOUNG WOMAN (HEIDI GARDNER) clutches her pearls. She reads a funeral program: “Remembering Michael -- Loving father & husband.” NARRATOR (V.O.) The Human Condition is a cluster of symptoms impacting the daily functioning of an estimated three- hundred-and-fifty-million Americans. INT. HOME OFFICE - DAY A YOUNG MAN (KENAN THOMPSON) sits at a desk. He crumples up a piece of paper, throws it into a full wastebasket, and rubs his forehead. 6. NARRATOR (V.O.) But they needn’t bear it alone. If you or someone you love suffers from the Human Condition, talk to your doctor about Booze. EXT. GARDEN - DAY Happy music plays. The Middle-Aged Woman gardens. MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN - AIDY BRYANT Before Booze, I suffered from restlessness and intermittent buyer’s remorse. But thanks to Booze, I no longer give any fucks. The Young Woman walks over with fresh-cut flowers. YOUNG WOMAN - HEIDI GARDNER I vacillated between fear of missing out and fear of being included. Also, constipation. Booze really takes the edge off. The Older Man carries golf clubs over to the women. OLDER MAN - CHRIS REDD Before I asked my doctor about Booze, I was plagued with questions about my purpose in life. Now I can finally relax and wait for death. The Young Man puts a hand on the Older Man’s shoulder. YOUNG MAN - KENAN THOMPSON And thanks to Booze, I can finally stop worrying about making this old son-of-a-bitch proud. OLDER MAN - CHRIS REDD You’ve always been a disappointment. And that’s okay. NARRATOR (V.O.) Booze isn’t right for everyone, but it’s probably fine for you. Talk to your doctor or pharmacist about the wide-ranging benefits of Booze. EVERYONE Thanks, Booze! BLACKOUT. 7. CULT THAT WORSHIPS DRESSES WITH POCKETS Inside a dimly lit warehouse, REVEREND MELISSA (Melissa Villaseñor) addresses a group of people in dresses. REVEREND MELISSA (MELISSA VILLASEÑOR) Please stand and put your hands in your pockets for the prayer. CONGREGANTS & REVEREND MELISSA For iPhones, for keys; debit cards and IDs. Dresses with Pockets, sanctify us please. REVEREND MELISSA May you be blessed with reasonable prices, an array of styles, and comprehensive sizing in your quest for pocketed dresses. CONGREGANTS And also for skirts. REVEREND MELISSA You may be seated. And now for a personal testimony from Sister Nicole. SISTER NICOLE (EGO NWODIM) Thank you, Reverend Melissa. I used to wear jeggings. Gasps from the congregation. SISTER NICOLE (CONT’D) I thought it would be comfortable. And it was, until I left the house. Without any pockets, I’d have bring a purse. Imagine packing an entire bag just to bring your debit card and keys to a bagel shop. I just couldn’t live like that anymore. She wipes away tears and hugs Reverend Melissa. REVEREND MELISSA It’s okay. You’re free now, Sister. The congregants each light a candle and hold it up. REVEREND MELISSA (CONT’D) These candles represent setting fire to Jeggings Nicole. 8. CONGREGANTS Twirl! Twirl! Sister Nicole twirls. REVEREND MELISSA And you rise from the ashes, a sanctified phoenix. By the way, that skirt is super-cute. SISTER NICOLE Thank you! ModCloth’s 40% off sale. CONGREGANTS ModCloth! ModCloth! REVEREND MELISSA Now I’m pleased to introduce a new member. Please welcome to the fold Sister Diane! Everyone claps. DIANE (KATE MCKINNON) Thank you. I’m so happy to be here among such stylish young people. I think you’re all such an inspiration. Not! She rips off her skirt to reveal casual trousers. SISTER CASEY (AIDY BRYANT) Mom?! DIANE I’m breaking you from this cult, Casey! They’ve brainwashed you! Now, Dr. Murphy! DR. MURPHY (BECK BENNET) enters. DR. MURPHY Hi, everyone! You’re all safe now. Reverend Melissa, don’t try any funny business. I think we can do this peacefully, but we do have law enforcement outside just in case. REVEREND MELISSA I’m so confused. Casey, is this your doctor? Are you okay? 9. DIANE You hush your mouth, Miss Reverend! I’m gonna get my daughter back! CASEY Mom, I told you, I don’t want you to drag me to Chico’s anymore! My coworkers all thought I was in my mid-to-late 60s! DIANE See, Dr. Murphy, they’re using their mind-control on my little girl! Shhh, it’s okay, Casey. Here, put on this collared vest and let’s get you out of here. And none of you overzealous kooks better try to stop us! SISTER NICOLE Mrs. Peterson-- DIANE Please, call me Diane. SISTER NICOLE Diane, Casey’s free to leave whenever she wants. We all are. DR. MURPHY It’s very common for people in cults to think they’re using their own free will, when in fact they’re trapped. Like you, young man. Surely you must be yearn for freedom. BRETT (PETE DAVIDSON) What, just because I’m a man, I can’t show up for justice and practical fashion? All hail the pocketed skirt! CONGREGANTS All hail! DR. MURPHY Okay, sure, pockets are wildly convenient, but don’t you all miss the glamor of formal ball gowns? REVEREND MELISSA Sir, we wear formal ball gowns all the time.
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