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the paper Fordham University’s journal of news, analysis, comment and review volume XLI / issue 4 / april 4, 2012 sex! pg. 3 rock & roll! pg. 22 abortion! pgs. 5, 20 kidnapping! pg. 24 leftist propaganda! pg. 10 page 2 the paper april 4, 2012 EveryEvery issue online and blog posts about everything and nothing. Check us out online: fupaper.netfupaper.net opinions arts features comix BBullull SSemenemen andand BBecomingecoming JerryJerry RRespectespect ForFor LifeLife WeekWeek BBieber-nappingieber-napping ootherther BeautyBeauty Regimens!Regimens! SSeinfeld!einfeld! SStand-uptand-up BBingo!ingo! ppg.g. 2244 in this ppg.g. 9 CComedyomedy 110101 ppg.g. 2211 ppg.g. 1155 issue: “Popular Resurrections” Editor-in-Chief Marisa “Madonna” Carroll Earwax Editor Contributors Connor “Nikki Six” O’Brien Executive Editors Aly Kravitz, Sarah Madges. Caitlin Ramiro, April Peter “Rasputin” Lacerenza Comix Editors Showers, Paul’s Basement, Tim Luecke, These Last Liz “Vanilla Ice” O’Malley C Sarah “Voldemort” Strafford Days Ministry, Goon Moonshine, Fred the Bunny, Rachel “Betty White” Dougherty Orange Peels, Egg-in-the-Hole, Bathgate, Paul Ross, News Editors Kyle Hudak, Will’s Mother, Rolling Rock, Easter Bun- John “Alec Baldwin” O’Neill Copy Staff nies, Cheese Trays, Sarah Lyons, Maris Cuddeback, Gibson “Frankenstein” Merrick Maris Cuddeback, Martine “Magton” Wilson, Kyle South Paw the Dog, Boners, Exclusiv, Michael Mau- Hudak, Hannah “Haiti” Weissenbuehler, Kate rantonio, Jack McGovern Arts Editors “Walsh Library” Delaney, Vianka “LSD” Lemus Suzette “Tupac” Dorrielan Will “Mitt Romney” Speros the paper is a product solely of the students. 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If you don’t like it, shut your pie hole (or come write for us)! the paper c/o Offi ce of Student Leadership and Community Development Fordham University Bronx, NY 10458 [email protected] http://groups.google.com/group/fordhampaper april 4, 2012 the paper page 3 nnewsews Recently, Virginia proposed legislation Quick Question: What’s So Wrong With Sex, Sans Baby? that would require every woman to undergo a transvaginal ultrasound be- by Sarah Madges Sane humans befuddled why questions an- fore she can get an abortion because sticking a six-to-eight inch probe in her DEADITOR swered decades ago are still being raised vagina is the best way to get a read- I don’t know if you noticed…but a to prevent pregnancy—in fact, only 42 wrong? Apparently. In Arizona, for ex- able image if she has been pregnant media storm has totally and extempo- percent of women do. Men, on the ample, a Senate Judiciary Committee eight weeks or fewer. As most women raneously erupted around contracep- other hand, take pills like Viagra solely endorsed Republican Debbie Lesko’s get an abortion within twelve weeks of tive/reproductive rights lately. Some to facilitate sex—and conception, many would be required of these debates bring up things that such erectile dys- to undergo this procedure—a sugges- have never entirely settled in the na- function medication tion that generated a huge outcry fi lled tion’s consciousness (read: abortion), is already covered by with (a bit over-the-top) analogies to while others uncover shit no one has insurance, without “state-sanctioned rape.” The law was screamed about in decades, like ac- question or implica- only weakened to requiring a regular cess to birth control. I like to pack this tions that they are ‘ol ultrasound, which is still completely all under the heading, General Attack prostitutes. medically unnecessary. Clearly this on Women, because that’s what it is. I just briefl y isn’t about making abortions safer or These oppenents, mostly men, mostly want to note that easier, but instead about confronting conservatives, use these issues as a oral contraceptive women with a fetal image in the hopes smokescreen, ignoring actual, press- pills (OCPs) provide that they will change their mind—as ing national issues. And somehow poli- quantifi able health though all women are like Juno and ticians think questioning things like re- and economic ben- just need to hear about fi ngernails to productive freedom in their campaigns efi ts that have noth- trash all of their hardcore lucubration is a good move in an election year. ing to do with sexual and decision-making that led them to An easy place to start with the over- activity—they help the clinic. Lawmakers call this an “in- fl owing egregiousness is February 16, millions of women formed consent” law, based on the when the US Conference of Catholic with diverse medical premise that women, pre-ultrasound, Bishops (aka UCCB, aka Chairman concerns, from pre- do not understand that abortions end Darrell Issa’s all-male, all-religously- menstrual cramps to in pregnancy—but if they see that sono- affi liated gynecology panel) met under ovarian cysts and the gram, they’ll be able to fi gure out just the guise of a dialogue about religious prevention of ovar- why they put their feet in those stirrups freedom, yet declared that Obama’s ian cancer. Second in the fi rst place! As Virginia Governor birth control ruling categorically needs of all, and perhaps Bob McDonnell put it: “This was about to be repealed. We’ve all heard about more importantly (in empowering women with more medical FFromrom thethe GGuttmacheruttmacher IInstitute.nstitute. WWee ggotot pproblems!roblems! Rush Limbaugh’s subsequent misogy- the sense that many and legal information.” Empowering nist attacks on Georgetown law stu- are afraid to men- women? What an incredible rhetorical dent Sandra Fluke, the Democrats’ tion this when arguing against conser- HB2625, which would empower em- navigation around impeding women’s chosen witness barred from speak- vatives), a lot of women would really ployers to request proof that women rights, suggesting they don’t under- ing at the USCCB (see Georgia Representative love to just avoid using insurance to buy birth control stand what pregnancy means (or the Marisa Carroll’s ar- pregnancy privately are using it for non-sexual reasons (us- termination of one), and fucking them ticle last issue on slut- Terry England suggested and affordably with- ing BC for its fi rst purpose, controlling with the long probe of the law. shaming and more!). in support of HB 954 out having to stick birth, are grounds for being fi red). Mitt And it’s not just Virginia invading va- His backward logic (which would ban abor- aspirin between our Romney claimed that, if elected, he ginas—seven other states have passed and offensiveness knees (thanks, San- would abolish Planned Parenthood— similar ones. North Carolina has an (sadly representative tion after twenty weeks), torum’s sugar dad- and, speaking of, Indiana state legis- almost exact replica of Virginia’s law, of many on the right) that women should carry dy Foster Friess for lator Bob Morris refused to celebrate and in Alabama, State Sen. Clay Sco- has proven that many stillborn fetuses to term the tip!). The crazy the Girl Scouts’ centennial anniversary fi eld suggested a penalty of up to 10 clearly think how much thing about these because they are “a tactical arm of years in prison and a $15,000 fi ne if birth control you take because that’s what debates is that I Planned Parenthood.” Are these peo- doctors refuse to carry out the proce- indicates just how big calves and pigs do.