the paper

Fordham University’s journal of news, analysis, comment and review volume XLI / issue 4 / april 4, 2012

sex! pg. 3 rock & roll! pg. 22 abortion! pgs. 5, 20 kidnapping! pg. 24 leftist propaganda! pg. 10 page 2 the paper april 4, 2012 EveryEvery issue online and blog posts about everything and nothing. Check us out online: fupaper.netfupaper.net opinions arts features comix BBullull SSemenemen andand BBecomingecoming JerryJerry RRespectespect ForFor LifeLife WeekWeek BBieber-nappingieber-napping ootherther BeautyBeauty Regimens!Regimens! SSeinfeld!einfeld! Stand-upStand-up BBingo!ingo! ppg.g. 2424 in this ppg.g. 9 CComedyomedy 101101 ppg.g. 2121 ppg.g. 1515 issue:

“Popular Resurrections” Editor-in-Chief Marisa “Madonna” Carroll Earwax Editor Contributors Connor “Nikki Six” O’Brien Executive Editors Aly Kravitz, Sarah Madges. Caitlin Ramiro, April Peter “Rasputin” Lacerenza Comix Editors Showers, Paul’s Basement, Tim Luecke, These Last Liz “Vanilla Ice” O’Malley C Sarah “Voldemort” Strafford Days Ministry, Goon Moonshine, Fred the Bunny, Rachel “Betty White” Dougherty Orange Peels, Egg-in-the-Hole, Bathgate, Paul Ross, News Editors Kyle Hudak, Will’s Mother, Rolling Rock, Easter Bun- John “Alec Baldwin” O’Neill Copy Staff nies, Cheese Trays, Sarah Lyons, Maris Cuddeback, Gibson “Frankenstein” Merrick Maris Cuddeback, Martine “Magton” Wilson, Kyle South Paw the Dog, Boners, Exclusiv, Michael Mau- Hudak, Hannah “Haiti” Weissenbuehler, Kate rantonio, Jack McGovern Arts Editors “Walsh Library” Delaney, Vianka “LSD” Lemus Suzette “Tupac” Dorrielan Will “Mitt Romney” Speros

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the paper exists as Fordham University’s journal of news, analysis, comment, and review. We are an entirely student run publication, and have been since 1972. Our aim is to print compelling articles written by students in their own voice and from their own perspective. Yes, this means we allow things like cussin’, and stories of substance-induced debauchery. But it also means we publish articles that examine issues on Fordham’s campus and in the world from a critical perspective. We are not brown-nosers, nor a newspaper of record. We are a bunch of rapscallions who get together fi ve times a semester to put out a rag that makes people laugh, cry, get pissed, and—we hope—makes people think. If you don’t like it, shut your pie hole (or come write for us)!

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Recently, Virginia proposed legislation Quick Question: What’s So Wrong With Sex, Sans Baby? that would require every woman to undergo a transvaginal ultrasound be- by Sarah Madges Sane humans befuddled why questions an- fore she can get an abortion because sticking a six-to-eight inch probe in her DEADITOR swered decades ago are still being raised vagina is the best way to get a read- I don’t know if you noticed…but a to prevent pregnancy—in fact, only 42 wrong? Apparently. In Arizona, for ex- able image if she has been pregnant media storm has totally and extempo- percent of women do. Men, on the ample, a Senate Judiciary Committee eight weeks or fewer. As most women raneously erupted around contracep- other hand, take pills like Viagra solely endorsed Republican Debbie Lesko’s get an abortion within twelve weeks of tive/reproductive rights lately. Some to facilitate sex—and conception, many would be required of these debates bring up things that such erectile dys- to undergo this procedure—a sugges- have never entirely settled in the na- function medication tion that generated a huge outcry fi lled tion’s consciousness (read: abortion), is already covered by with (a bit over-the-top) analogies to while others uncover shit no one has insurance, without “state-sanctioned rape.” The law was screamed about in decades, like ac- question or implica- only weakened to requiring a regular cess to birth control. I like to pack this tions that they are ‘ol ultrasound, which is still completely all under the heading, General Attack prostitutes. medically unnecessary. Clearly this on Women, because that’s what it is. I just briefl y isn’t about making abortions safer or These oppenents, mostly men, mostly want to note that easier, but instead about confronting conservatives, use these issues as a oral contraceptive women with a fetal image in the hopes smokescreen, ignoring actual, press- pills (OCPs) provide that they will change their mind—as ing national issues. And somehow poli- quantifi able health though all women are like Juno and ticians think questioning things like re- and economic ben- just need to hear about fi ngernails to productive freedom in their campaigns efi ts that have noth- trash all of their hardcore lucubration is a good move in an election year. ing to do with sexual and decision-making that led them to An easy place to start with the over- activity—they help the clinic. Lawmakers call this an “in- fl owing egregiousness is February 16, millions of women formed consent” law, based on the when the US Conference of Catholic with diverse medical premise that women, pre-ultrasound, Bishops (aka UCCB, aka Chairman concerns, from pre- do not understand that abortions end Darrell Issa’s all-male, all-religously- menstrual cramps to in pregnancy—but if they see that sono- affi liated gynecology panel) met under ovarian cysts and the gram, they’ll be able to fi gure out just the guise of a dialogue about religious prevention of ovar- why they put their feet in those stirrups freedom, yet declared that Obama’s ian cancer. Second in the fi rst place! As Virginia Governor birth control ruling categorically needs of all, and perhaps Bob McDonnell put it: “This was about to be repealed. We’ve all heard about more importantly (in empowering women with more medical FFromrom thethe GuttmacherGuttmacher IInstitute.nstitute. WWee ggotot pproblems!roblems! Rush Limbaugh’s subsequent misogy- the sense that many and legal information.” Empowering nist attacks on Georgetown law stu- are afraid to men- women? What an incredible rhetorical dent Sandra Fluke, the Democrats’ tion this when arguing against conser- HB2625, which would empower em- navigation around impeding women’s chosen witness barred from speak- vatives), a lot of women would really ployers to request proof that women rights, suggesting they don’t under- ing at the USCCB (see Georgia Representative love to just avoid using insurance to buy birth control stand what pregnancy means (or the Marisa Carroll’s ar- pregnancy privately are using it for non-sexual reasons (us- termination of one), and fucking them ticle last issue on slut- Terry England suggested and affordably with- ing BC for its fi rst purpose, controlling with the long probe of the law. shaming and more!). in support of HB 954 out having to stick birth, are grounds for being fi red). Mitt And it’s not just Virginia invading va- His backward logic (which would ban abor- aspirin between our Romney claimed that, if elected, he ginas—seven other states have passed and offensiveness knees (thanks, San- would abolish Planned Parenthood— similar ones. North Carolina has an (sadly representative tion after twenty weeks), torum’s sugar dad- and, speaking of, Indiana state legis- almost exact replica of Virginia’s law, of many on the right) that women should carry dy Foster Friess for lator Bob Morris refused to celebrate and in Alabama, State Sen. Clay Sco- has proven that many stillborn fetuses to term the tip!). The crazy the Girl Scouts’ centennial anniversary fi eld suggested a penalty of up to 10 clearly think how much thing about these because they are “a tactical arm of years in prison and a $15,000 fi ne if birth control you take because that’s what debates is that I Planned Parenthood.” Are these peo- doctors refuse to carry out the proce- indicates just how big calves and pigs do. now fi nd myself jus- ple serious? Or are they just co-opting dure—although he did generously allow of a slut bag you are. tifying why women an always-already-there gender bias to the woman to choose the method of ul- Contrary to (un)popular belief, women would need to take birth control (see misdirect the national dialogue? trasound she desires (kind of like when do not take birth control in direct pro- topic sentence of this paragraph), as if That’s not to mention the reinforced an abusive father asks the child to pick portion to the amount of sex they have, simply wanting to have sex sans baby war on abortion. Ninety-two abortion re- out the belt). Continued page 4... nor do they all take birth control solely is not reason enough. Is that really so strictions were passed in the last year. In Kentucky, a woman can be penal- page 4 the paper april 4, 2012 Madges, Continued from Page 3 not to look at it. The list goes on and According to the Guttmacher Institute, have historically done whatever they’ve ized if she refuses to receive an ultra- on—a Tennessee lawmaker wants to twenty states already have laws with had to in the absence of available sound before getting an abortion, while require the state to publish the names rules for ultrasounds. Thirty-fi ve require abortions—do they forget that scene in in Idaho women must get an ultrasound of every abortion doctor alongside de- women to receive counseling prior to “Dirty Dancing”? They also seem to for- and look at it—what State Sen. Chuck tailed stats about the women having an abortion. Twenty-six require women get that limiting access to birth control Winder (R) poetically calls “a window the procedure. Montana Representa- to receive written material beforehand. makes the odds for needing an abor- into her womb.” When people cried out tive Regier equated pregnant women There’s a pretty transparent tactic tion even higher. All of this talk and against these it-can’t-be-2012-can-it? to pregnant cows during the hearing at work here—if dissenters can’t get legislation has cast serious doubts on measures, we got apologies in the form on HB 167, a bill seeking to infringe rid of Roe v. Wade, they can do their what I thought was a (relatively) pro- of legislators, such as the governor of on a woman’s right to make her own very best to make getting an abortion gressive society. When women are rou- Pennsylvania, telling women they can personal medical decisions—much as diffi cult and unpleasant as possible tinely humiliated, likened to livestock, just close their eyes (not in Idaho) and like Georgia Representative Terry Eng- to punish these baby-killers. These disregarded, stripped of agency and have the doctor narrate the sonogram. land suggested in support of HB 954 politicians condescendingly assume choice, and forced to undergo agoniz- Such is the case in Texas, where wom- (which would ban abortion after twenty that women have not thought over the ing procedures—and moreover, such en must receive multiple sonograms, weeks), that women should carry still- psychical and emotional weight of ter- a misogynistic mindset actually gains be informed about all the services born fetuses to term because that’s minating a pregnancy. They think that credence, it’s time to really take a look available to encourage them to stay what calves and pigs do. This isn’t just invading women’s bodies and insulting at what the hell is going on in this coun- pregnant, and must listen to the doctor a handful of crazy (aka how liberals like them will pressure women to change try, and what we can do to remedy it. narrate the sonogram should they opt to think of Midwest & Southern) states. their minds, forgetting that women Revolt in the Maldives: An Archapelago Sinking in More Ways Than One by Rachel Dougherty Good times and democracy dissipate in the wake of coup on the islands STAFF MALDIVIAN The Maldives was a ruthless dicta- face the effects of climate change head tests led by Nasheed’s political opposi- admitted, “We never did a purge of the torship. And then it was a democracy. on, for as the sea levels rise they con- tion Gayoom. Gayoom orchestrated the military. We have a history of murder- And now, its political system is without tinue to lose meters off of their shores. new Progressive Party of the Maldives ing our former leaders and I wanted to labels. On February 7th, 2012, the Mal- (Meters might not seem like all that and its allies to confront Nasheed, the change that.” dives’ fi rst ever democratically elected much, but keep in mind most of their is- only democratic leader the Maldives The country has now fallen to vice- president signed his resignation. Only lands are president Waheed. In acting as presi- later did it become apparent that this only a few dent, Waheed has heeded the urges of TThehe wworld’sorld’s sexiestsexiest rrebellion.ebellion. was not your average presidential res- square the Commonwealth and proposed an ignation; instead, it was a full-fl edged kilome- investigation of his own ascent to pres- coup d’état. ters) A ident. Some diplomats fear that this So let’s fi rst do a quick background documen- may only be a guise of democracy and on political history of the Maldives. tary called worry that Waheed may fall under the The Maldives is comprised of 1200 is- “The Is- infl uence of Gayoom, the past dictator. lands and is located in the middle of land Pres- The changing political climate in the Indian Ocean. The country is largely ident” the Maldives has not gone unnoticed. Muslim. In 2008 Maumoon Abdul Gay- is to be Nasheed’s supporters have been in oom—the longest standing ruler in Asia released the streets peacefully protesting since with his 30 year term—was confronted later this February 7th. Nasheed has called for by political opposition. The Maldives’ month early elections (before they’re due in fi rst democratic elections were held, and cov- October 2013). The rest of the world is and Mohamed Nasheed came out the ers the holding its breath a bit, for there is a victor. With Nasheed came a constitu- battle against climate change as led by has ever known. Gayoom mobilized the fear that the Islamic Fundamentalists tion that guaranteed human rights, Nasheed. Sunni Muslims against Nasheed for his in the Maldives may try to seize politi- something never before seen in the Politically, Nasheed was very fo- liberal Islamic policies towards Israel cal infl uence and power. Maldives. cused on building a de- among other liberal political actions. For now, it is a waiting game. Na- Since If your spring break leads mocracy from nothing. It Come February 7th Nasheed was sheed cannot (and will not) fl ee the his election you to the luxurious beaches was his goal to build an faced with a proposition: write and country, both because of a court order in 2008, and resorts of the Maldives, electoral system and oust sign a letter of resignation or witness and his own volition. His supporters Nasheed corruption where he saw a bloodbath in the streets. Nasheed continue to swarm the streets calling has been a two suggestions: beware of it. His craving for true de- chose to resign. Though this coup may for lost democracy. And the dictator- champion rising oceans and rising po- mocracy and the actions not have been at gunpoint, it is nothing loyal military takes preemptive actions for democ- litical tensions. it affected are arguably less than a coup of perhaps the worst like emptying the armory and collect- racy and the the causes of the coup. variety. On this day the men behind ing the weapons in a central location. environment. See here’s the twist: not On January 17th 2012 Nasheed called the curtain were revealed. Nasheed, If your spring break leads you to the only was the Maldives’ political system for the arrest of the top criminal court and the world, saw all of the members luxurious beaches and resorts of the drowning before Nasheed’s induction, judge for blocking graft cases against of the opposition who had been sit- Maldives, two suggestions: beware of but the land itself was (and is still) allies of the old dictator Gayoom. ting and waiting to make their move rising oceans and rising political ten- drowning. The Maldives continues to This sparked three weeks of pro- against this new democracy. Nasheed sions. april 4, 2012 the paper page 5 from giving free cancer screenings to College Republicans Object to Southern Poverty Law uninsured people because abortion ac- counts for 3% of the work PP does. Fur- Center Donations ther, it’s not surprising that research “I don’t want to say they’re baseless claims, they must from the National Association for Preg- by Marisa Carroll nant Women shows low-income women EDITOR-IN-CHIEF have some base, but we can’t find the base for it.” of color go to jail as felons for miscarry- On Sunday, February 26, Campus [Note: Campagna did not identify which against SPLC was lacking and, perhaps ing because of the Personhood move- Mission and Ministry dedicated a mass or how many students agreed with this more importantly, because it is illegal ment. Nor is it shocking that 2011’s to fi ghting hatred, bias, and discrimina- cause]” arguing that SPLC should not to say you are raising money for one explosion of laws restricting access to tion on campus. Campus Ministry has receive a donation from Fordham be- group and give it to another (you must abortion did not end the practice, but been one of the most vocal branches cause it represented the National Or- either refund the money or award it to simply restricted funding and therefore of Fordham’s administration regard- ganization of Women (NOW) in a case the originally intended group), Campus access for low-income women. ing this semester’s series of bias inci- in the 1980s and does not currently Ministry sent the donations to SPLC I don’t mean to say that individuals dents—rivaled only by its neighbor, the earmarked are wrong for morally opposing abor- Dorothy Day Center for Service and for their tion; if Campus Ministry held a fund- Justice—and this was one of several “Teaching raiser for the New York Abortion Access “calls to unity” Campus Ministry has Tolerance” Fund, even I would be shocked (I’d be promoted this year. The special collec- program psyched, but defi nitely also shocked.) tion at the mass was for the Southern late last However, the implicit intention of the Poverty Law Center, a prominent non- month. personhood movement as demon- profi t civil rights organization dedicated Amen. strated in the Fordham-SPLC incident to fi ghting hatred and bigotry. Founded I have is clear: To further create and punish in 1971 to fi ght institutional racism in no inten- an underclass in our country for the the South, they are now an internation- tion in par- benefi t of the few. ally renowned group—you’ve likely read ticipating Consider again the Scott Walker ex- about them if you’ve taken a modern in the dull ample: By depriving uninsured women American history class. Today, their sport of jib- of preventative screenings, the state is reach is far: Three recent cases in- ing College signing onto to pay incalculably higher clude opposing the Tuscaloosa County Republi- costs for advanced cancer treatments, Schools’ rule that same-sex couples cans, who— all at the cost of already stretched-thin cannot attend prom, suing Orleans considering taxpayer dollars. It’s illogical…except Parish Prison for allowing the rape that they ul- if your goal is gaining political mileage and torture of a transgender inmate, AAlsolso fromfrom thethe GuttmacherGuttmacher IInstitute.nstitute. MMoreore pproblems!roblems! timately did and campaign funding at the expense and the Teaching Tolerance Project, in not achieve of one powerless socio-economic which SPLC responds to their fi ndings denounce Roe v. Wade. Notably, SPLC their goal, and in the process drummed group. As the 2011 Guttmacher Insti- that more than half of all states fail at does not denounce People v. Ramona up negative student and faculty re- tute study “The Public Costs of Births teaching the civil rights movement to Santorelli and Mary Lou Schloss, which sponse to their complaint—already Resulting from Unintended Pregnan- students by releasing guidelines for im- declares that women may be topless in lost this round. However, as Respect cies: National and State-Level Esti- provement. public in New York City, either, probably for Life Week approaches and claims mates” posited, “Investing in publicly Of course, readers of The Ram or because the business of law centers of “religious freedom” continue to cry funded family planning to help women those of us who troll the College Re- does not involve disputing established out in Congress, this situation pro- avoid unintended pregnancy has a publicans Facebook page know what laws out of hand. vides a sharp look at the relationship proven track record: In the absence of happened next. Freshman pro-lifer Jo- When interviewed for the March 7 between abortion and poverty. After the services provided at publicly fund- seph Campagna and College Republi- issue, Fr. Philip Florio told The Ram, all, Fordham students are not the fi rst ed family planning centers, the costs of cans President Samuel Martin posted "We're researching the organization people to put on their “one issue voter” unintended pregnancy would be 60% public notices on Facebook decrying and we're not fi nding fault. We're not goggles and politicize a poverty-fi ghting higher than they are today.” Campus Ministry for the collection, la- fi nding these claims—and I don't want to organization like SPLC. The idea that This Respect for Life Week, remem- beling SPLC as a “left wing…pro-abor- say they're baseless claims, they must supporting “fetal personhood” out- ber what Uncle Chuck D taught us and tion” organization. As The Ram report- have some base—but we can't fi nd the weighs an abundance of other work an don’t believe the hype. The moral argu- ed, Campagna sent a letter to Director base for it." Though Campus Ministry organization does overwhelms our po- ments for fetal personhood don’t hold of Campus Ministry Fr. Philip Florio “not originally suggested they would divert litical discourse today. Last December, up when we’re talking about real peo- only as a student, but as a USG sena- the money to a different group to diffuse for instance, Wisconsin Governor Scott ple, real money, and real hierarchies. tor on behalf of many fellow students the controversy, because the evidence Walker prevented Planned Parenthood

MMeetingseetings onon Tuesdays!Tuesdays! MMcGinleycGinley 2nd2nd - 8:308:30 PMPM page 6 the paper april 4, 2012 Faker Breaking News: Governments Like to Keep Secrets by Gibson Merrick Evidence of CIA prisons increases in Poland NEWS CO-EDITOR Picture this: you are the Ameri- at the request of “senior U.S. offi cials,” deal somewhere under the table...This Than can government, post-9/11, and now identifi ed as Lithuania and Roma- issue must be explained. Let there be you’ve got some potential bad nia), and a center at Guantanamo Bay no doubt about it either in Poland or guys you’d like to interrogate/ as the locations for America’s major on the other side of the ocean.” These imprison for lengthy periods, but black sites, calling the system a “hid- statements come following a recent in- Truth the only thing standing in your den global internment network.” Ac- ternal investigation by the Polish Pros- By Gibson Merrick and John O’Neill way are troublesome laws. You’re cording to their sources, more than ecutor General, leading many journal- Chicago, Il - Charges against eye-rob- pretty dead-set on the whole se- 100 suspected terrorists have been ists, politicians, and citizens in both bing prostitute Starla Blowhansson were cret prisons thing, so what are you put into this internment network; some America and Poland to interpret these dropped this past week by councilman gonna do? The answer: just put considered more dangerous than oth- statements as an admission from the Alex Gmerek after his wife, Bethany, al- them somewhere else! At least ers. Polish government. Poland’s involve- most heard the news. Blowhannson, a that’s what it looks like America When asked about these so-called ment is a particularly sensitive one; 5’ 3”, 105 lb prostitute in the greater has been doing, thanks to recent black sites, the CIA and the White although the U.S. avoids illegality by Chicago area, lost her eye after an un- developments in placing its prisons on foreign fortunate day at work. Scarred by the Poland, where an in- soil, imprisoning suspected incident, but determined to keep her ternal investigation criminals without trail also job, Starla armed herself with the razor- into the possibility goes against Poland’s consti- sharp edge of a Campbells soup can lid, of secret U.S. pris- tution. gouging out the eyes of various clients ons, dubbed “black Most recently, charges in search of the perfect replacement. sites,” has led to of- were presented against Gmerek, a client of Starla, pressed fi cial charges. News Siemiątkowski as a result charges against the prostitute after sources and human of the internal investigation. she scooped out his left eye on a balmy activists groups The Telegraph reported that spring evening. He dropped the charges have long suspect- Siemiątkowski is charged after he realized he would have to ex- ed the existence of with facilitating the alleged plain to his wife what had happened. CIA-operated black CIA detention operation in Po- Starla, now sporting Gmerek’s eye in sites on foreign soil, land, where foreign suspects her own skull, reported an increase in though there has yet may have been tortured in clients in these past weeks as a result to be offi cial con- ZZbigniewbigniew SiemiatkowskiSiemiatkowski mmayay the context of the War on Ter- of the publicity. She is now eying Gmer- fi rmation from any- nnotot bbee a ggoodood gguy,uy, bbutut hhee hhasas ror. Former Prime Minister ek’s council seat in the upcoming elec- one involved. But a ggreatreat nname.ame. Lezlek Miller (who, alongside tion. now, as Poland’s former president Aleksander -GM Prosecutor General Kwasniewski, fervently de- Mesa, AZ - Local gamer Ted Korll was charges former spy chief, Zbig- House (then occupied by George W. nied claims of black sites in Poland), is engrossed in an argument over World niew Siemiątkowski, with some Bush) managed to dissuade Congress also suspected of involvement. of Warcraft strategy when he was spec- level of involvement in illegal pris- from demanding answers in open testi- So what’s the point, you might ask? tacularly outwitted by his co-gamer Cody ons, such confi rmations may only mony, citing national security concerns “Surprise, surprise, the government Frampton. Korll left the Game Stop fl us- be days away. and championing the successes of our has secret prisons,” you might say, ap- tered and demanded that Frampton A black site is any location at intelligence program. For offi cials in propriately pessimistic. The importance meet him at the Mesa Central Library which an unacknowledged black countries suspected of sponsoring CIA lays in Poland’s initiative--no other sus- for a joint WOW gaming session. Framp- project (meaning a government’s black sites, the response is the same. pected country has initiated its own, ton agreed and two hours later they met classifi ed defense project) is con- At this point in time, not one of these internal investigation into the matter. in the computer room for a game off. ducted. The phrase has come to suspected countries has admitted to Furthermore, after years of denial and Frampton quickly humiliated Korll, re- be associated particularly with the allowing the United States to run any evasion, Poland’s actions offer the fi rst sulting in Korll repeatedly whipping him United States, specifi cally in ref- such facilities, though recent public offi cial recognition of CIA-operated with a detached computer mouse and erence to our government’s post- statements and press releases from black sites in foreign countries. If black stabbing him with a mechanical pencil. 9/11 search for and interrogation Poland offi cials come close. sites existed in Poland, they probably Local construction worker, Chip Durfi nk of suspected terrorist individuals In a press release from last Thurs- existed in Thailand, Lithuania, Roma- immediately responded with a volley of in the so-called War on Terror. In day, current Polish Prime Minster Don- nia, and in Guantanamo Bay as well. gunfi re in the direction of the attacker. 2005, The Washington Post pub- ald Tusk characterized his country as a Now we can fi nally start to seriously ad- Korll was shot in the chest three times lished a lengthy story detailing “political victim” of the United States. dress what role these prisons played, and declared dead on the scene. Ari- the suspected US-operated black Tusk, who took offi ce 4 years following what techniques they employed, and zona legislators were quick to praise sites, becoming one of the fi rst the shutdown of the alleged CIA black whether black sites continue to exist Durfi nk, and closed a loophole in state major media outlets to cover this site in Poland, went on to comment now. As the War on Terror continues law that prohibited fi rearms from library story. In their article, The Wash- “Poland will no longer be a country through its 10th year, Americans need facilities with the Durfi nk Amendment. ington Post identifi ed Thailand, Af- where politicians- even if they are work- to reexamine how our government op- -J.O ghanistan, “several democracies ing arm-in-arm with the world’s great- erates in its defense programs, lest we in Eastern Europe” (not identifi ed est superpower- could make some be kept in the dark for another decade. april 4, 2012 the paper page 7 Chicago Leaders Prepare City for a Global Future by John O’Neill City officials avoid annoyance of state and NEWS CO-EDITOR federal politics and court private investors On Thursday March 24th, Chicago fi nally realized that the crumbling city in return for a one time payment of Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced a $7 infrastructure can no longer be viewed 2.5 billion dollars. Chicago taxpayers billion dollar public-private investment as an annoyance alone, but rather as emerged from the deal bitter about into the infrastructure of the Second a crippling impediment to economic the swindling and are justifi ed in their City. The investment, one of the larg- growth and development. hesitancy to once again mix public est in city history, was announced at Emanuel's comprehensive plan ad- assets and private dollars. Emanuel a crucial time for Chicago. Decades of dresses a wide variety of infrastructure claims to have learned from his pre- by John O’Neill, Marisa Carroll, Gib- fi nancial neglect of the city's infrastruc- issues. His plans for public transporta- decessor, reassuring taxpayers "I am son Merrick, and Peter Lacerenza ture have left many residents and civic tion include the renovation or rebuild- not leasing anything. I'm using pri- leaders fearful of a city and a region of ing of more than 100 CTA train stations vate capital to improve a public entity Kentucky fans light car on fi re to faded importance and limited growth and the implementation of a new Bus that stays public." The mayor's plan celebrate NCAA victory on Satur- opportunities. Those fears come cou- Rapid Transit System. His proposal would have private investors repaid day night pled with an overpowering sense of through a profi t sharing program or University scholars skepticism on the part of taxpayers through interest on loans. PPlanslans ddoo nnotot iincludenclude From Kentucky torch parked car and investors. Mayor Emanuel has The proposal for private fi nancing Celebrating victory the double edged task of convinc- wwaysays ttoo rrevampevamp tthehe of public infrastructure projects was ing the city that there is a crucial ccity’sity’s aailingiling BearsBears andand born from a sense of disillusionment CCubsubs ssportsports ffranchisesranchises Representative Paul Ryan mis- need for investment and that he is with the dysfunction of Springfi eld spoke when calling army support- the man to make sure that the job and Washington. Divided legisla- ers of Obama’s budget “liars” is done properly. Few leaders have tures and endless bureaucracy have Fiscal conservative denied the need, but nobody can be fostered a mindset of discontent wants DC to cut heavy spending blamed for being skeptical of such and impatience on the part of many except for military a lofty proposal in this city so often city governments. It seems odd to -JO associated with profound political hear about good government com- corruption and dysfunction. With low ing from Chicago, but Emanuel was Spike Lee tweets George Zimmer- expectations of substantive change, elected and worked as a competent man’s address so followers will go Emanuel has an opportunity to carry reformer in a city accustomed to cor- get him; address is actually that of out one of the grandest infrastructure calls for 1.4 billion dollars for new run- rupt machine style government. His Florida elderly couple overhauls in modern American history. ways at O'Hare to be opened by 2015 election appeared to be one of the Vigilantism A successful retrofi t of the city's aging in order to expand fl ight capacity and few bright moments during a 2010 May not be the best response to infrastructure would reaffi rm Chica- reduce delays. In addition to transpor- election cycle that left the state with Vigilantism go’s status as a global city and foster tation infrastructure, the city is prepar- a governor who was reluctantly elect- -MC a sense of fi nancial independence for ing to invest over 1.3 billion dollars into ed and has since suffered from con- cities across the nation. A failure to gar- parks, playgrounds, the City Colleges sistently low voter approval ratings. New website in UK offers students ner necessary support would likely only of Chicago, and the Chicago Public The unwillingness of the city to deal opportunity to sell their faces as serve to perpetuate decay in a city that Schools. 900 miles of water pipe and with other levels of government is a ad space suffered a net loss of a quarter of a mil- 750 miles of sewer line will also be sad sign of the skepticism born out Buymyface.com lion residents in the last decade. replaced along with the laying of thou- of state and federal inadequacy and “Hey, know what the world needs Today, the vast majority of Chicago sands of miles of broadband cables. All ineffectiveness. If Emanuel's fi nanc- more of? infrastructure is nearly a century old of the construction projects are expect- ing and construction plan succeeds, Advertisements, dude!” and long overdue for replacement. The ed to create 30,000 new jobs, a des- it will reshape the course of the city in city's water system sprang 3,800 leaks perately needed boost for construction the decades to come. In addition to In Europe, many elderly people are last year, an incalculable cost to city workers in a weakened industry. the necessary infrastructure revamp, deciding to take on roommates residents and businesses. Commuters Despite general agreement about the sense of fi nancial independence rather than risk living alone waste thousands of hours are wasted the abysmal state of the city's public coming from the fi nancing portion of Scared of nursing homes on a daily basis due to slow zones on infrastructure, there are widespread the plan would be a huge symbolic Old folks move into one house the city's aging elevated rail transit fears about costs and accountability. victory for city governments embit- Tape this, MTV system. Chicago's O'Hare International In the fi nal year of former Mayor Rich- tered by anti-urban policies forced -GM Airport is consistently ranked as one ard J. Daley's administration, the may- upon them by hostile suburban and of the most congested in the nation or leased out the city's public parking rural lawmakers. A victory today New President Elected in Myanmar and is in desperate need of expansion system for 75 years in return for a one could be one of several to come as Daw Aung San Suu Kyi and modernization. As Mayor Emanuel time payment worth a tenth of what cities and centers of intelligence and elected in that place that stated in his announcement, "You can't the expected future revenue would progress break the shackles of unfair used to be Burma have a 21st-century economy on a have been. A comparably unfair deal revenue redistribution and detrimen- -PL 20th-century foundation without hold- was shot down in 2009 when Daley at- tal legislation that have for so long ing yourself back." It seems the day tempted to lease the city's Midway air- been imposed upon them. has come where Chicago leaders have port to a group of investors for 99 years page 8 the paper april 4, 2012 Syria Still in State of Open Revolt, UN Proposes Peace Plan to Assad by Kyle Hudak Brutal several month long crackdown may finally be nearing an end STAFF HOODIE-WEARER Kofi Annan, the UN Arab League ing cities and murdering innocent civil- government could be using the peace make, as the current opposition forces envoy to Syria, was fi nally able to do ians. Since Syria plan as a way of are too splintered and too disorganized the impossible and have the Syrian re- agreed to the buying time. Sec- to arm. However, the U.S and the Sau- gime under Bashar al-Assad agree to plan on Tuesday, retary of State dis have both agreed to increase sanc- a peace plan. The peace plan, which the regime has Hillary Clinton tions against Syria as well as send Assad agreed upon Tuesday, consists not done much has urged Annan more humanitarian aid. Expect the of six main points which range from to show that they to draft a backup Saudis to continue to push for harsher an end to violence to the right for all are willing to fol- plan. Turkey, who sanctions against Syria and to push for Syrians to demonstrate peacefully. The low it, as mortar shares a large military intervention there, as a regime peace process will be monitored by the attacks on cities border with Syria, change in Syria would weaken Iran. UN. The rebels have not yet agreed to like Homs have has stated that Syria is Iran's only ally, and without the plan and have argued that they will continued. On the peace plan is them, Iran would be left in a very bad not until the army pulls out, as they are Saturday, the re- the last chance spot, which is good for their main oppo- afraid (rightly so) of the regime going gime declared for the regime be- nents, the Saudis. The Syrian regime is back on its word. The military is not that they had fi - fore it faces even currently Shiite despite the majority of planning on pulling out anytime soon, nally crushed the stronger mea- Syrians being Sunni. If the regime were as they believe, in their own words, that opposition once NNothingothing sayssays peacepeace llikeike mmassass sures. to be replaced, a Sunni-led government "the presence of the Syrian Arab army and for all. Many pproducedroduced AmericanAmerican toystoys mmadeade Qatar and would take its place, severely weaken- in Syrian cities is for defensive purpos- are still being iinn CChinahina Saudi Arabia are ing Shiite Iran's infl uence in the region. es as to protect the civilians." killed in the con- pushing for sup- Even if Syria does not follow the peace The Syrian government and military fl ict, which has port to arm the plan, it is still a good fi rst step in solving celebrated the agreement to the peace already killed over 10,000 Syrians. rebels, a move that many in the Arab the crisis there. plan by doing what they do best: shell- Turkey has pointed out that the Syrian League and in the west are hesitant to Liberal Gay Media Not As Big A Fan of Muslims As Fox News Claims by Maris Cuddeback STAFF NICE GIRL One Fordham student asks for an end to vilification of billions In 2001 the Gallup Organization be- United States that one can denigrate with the structure of the news media step in the right direction if the radio is gan the largest poll of the Muslim world openly and without any fear of reprisal. as the unfortunate disinterest in world even on. The days are gone when the ever attempted. They interviewed men All they’ve heard of Muslims is 9/11... affairs shared by Americans in general. whole family would sit rapt around the and women, of all ages and economic all they see from the images from As an intern at a public radio sta- household radio, or the average Joe statuses, from countries that contain Iraq is violence, kill- tion, I’m be- would spend his morning with a mug 90% of the global Muslim population, ings, people getting ing taught of coffee and the New York Times. For attempting – according to Gallup – to beheaded and kid- to shorten most Americans, being knowledgeable get an accurate view of the lives of napped.” What ordi- news sto- about the world at large simply isn’t a Muslims. nary Americans don’t ries into priority. Most Muslims interviewed, includ- see, says Khouri, are forty-second I’m as guilty of this mindset as any- ing Americans, said they believed the ordinary Muslims. blips. Of- one. I try to read at least the headlines Western world doesn’t respect the The problem isn’t so ten these every day, but if I didn’t spend eight Muslim world. “We felt the West was much the tired cli- stories are hours a week in a newsroom, I’d have seeing us through the lenses of Bin ché that good news pretty com- pretty much no idea what’s going on Laden,” says Jihad Fakraddhin, a re- doesn’t sell, but that plicated, in the world. But maybe—and I’m just gional research director for Gallup. average news isn’t and a con- thinking out loud—it’s not as impor- The American media “has focused news. You don’t hear siderable tant to know about as many goings-on its attention on a tiny fringe minority,” about the second-generation immi- amount of context is needed to see the as possible, but to know as much as says Dalia Mogahed, Director of Mus- grant who got employee of the month, whole picture. It can take time to tell possible about a few. For the average lim Studies at the Gallup Organization. or the foreign born couple who have a a story like that – and that’s time the person willing to start small, it might According to Gallup, 57% of Muslims stable and respectful relationship, or average listener isn’t willing to spare. be enough to remind yourself that each portrayed in U.S. media are portrayed the respectable but unremarkable guy Given the time constraints, I think ev- group you hear about on the news is as militants, while in reality militants of whatever race or religion who consis- eryone at the station does a bang-up just a bunch of people—people who make up less than 1% of Muslims tently pays his taxes, holds the elevator job giving a full and thoughtful ac- might have more in common with you worldwide. door for you, and tips his waiter. But on count of the news. But no matter how than you think. It’s up to you to educate Rami Khouri, from the Issam Fares CNN you’ll only hear about the guy with well written the newscast, an inatten- yourself. But you’ll gain the perspec- Institute for Policy and International the foreign-sounding name who tried to tive listener – stuck in traffi c, making tive that all people, even the ones you Affairs in Lebanon, says, “Arabs and blow up a synagogue. breakfast, or whatever – is only hear- might vilify, are just people. Anyway, it’s Muslims are the last group in the The problem has as much to do ing keywords, if that. The truth is, it’s a a start. april 4, 2012 the paper page 9 sion is odd. The custom actually started in the Japanese mafi a as pinky swear Xtreme version—if you broke your end of the deal the other guy cut off your pinky. Members of the mafi a, know as yakuza, have been identifi ed by the police on several occasions thanks to their missing digits. (Bonus fun fact I just learned: “Yakuza” is part of Mi- crosoft Word’s recognized vocabulary. They’re everywhere!) Tombstones: Originally intended to weigh down a spirit so that it wouldn’t rise from the grave. (I wonder if they used bigger stones for bigger people, or if there was a one-size-fi ts-all spir- it weight stone. I doubt those little plaques they use in super-crowded cemeteries would do the job.) It was also believed that ghosts could only travel in straight lines, so the tomb- stones of many older cemeteries are in maze-like patterns. The Easter Bunny: You know the expression “breeding like rabbits”? Well, it’s for a reason—bunnies procre- ate fi endishly. So much so, in fact, that they were considered a symbol of fer- tility in ancient times. Easter comes in the Spring, a time of rebirth, and after Lent, a time of scarcity and sacrifi ce, so it seemed fi tting that an animal repre- senting new life would mark the occa- Weddings and Birthdays and Voting, Oh My! sion. (Some societies believed the Eas- ter Bunny laid eggs in the grass, hence Breaking the longstanding tradition of not knowing the origin of your the Easter egg hunt). traditions Election Tuesday: For the rest of By Aly Kravitz sealed the deal. Kinda makes you want dess of the moon. The jury’s out on ex- the nation, Tuesday doesn’t hold the same signifi cance as it does for our STAFF YAKUZA to cry for different reasons, doesn’t it? actly why, though; some think it was to I don’t know about you, but I think The Best Man: Since we’re on the make the cake glow like the moon, oth- dear Fordham community, so why do us human beings do some really weird subject of weddings and transactions, ers think that when the candles were we vote on that particular day of the stuff. Exhibit A: bull semen hair condi- here’s another one—the best man was blown out the smoke would carry the week? And why in November? Well, tioner in London. Yep, it’s a thing, and originally the best swordsman that the birthday girl or boy’s wishes up to the back when we lived in a predominantly so is the urine gargle ancient Romans groom knew. He was basically the agrarian nation November was a win- swore by as a breath freshener and groom’s backup in case anything dow between harvest and winter, so teeth whitener. Those two could be went wrong (to kidnap the bride farmers were able to travel to polling classifi ed as “in-your-face weird,” but if the parents got cold feet, to stations. This trip was usually over- there’s a host of other practices and fi ght off angry guests if the deal night, and since Sundays were days of rituals that, while considered normal went sour, the usual). On a side rest, not travels, they left on Monday. today, have some pretty strange ori- note, the bridesmaids were also Ergo, Election Tuesday. gins. Here’s a sampling, for your enjoy- intended to protect the bride, in Kissing Under Mistletoe: There ment and/or bewilderment: this case from evil spirits and are a few competing versions for the Giving Away the Bride: Heart- jealous former lovers. They all story of origin, but according to one ac- warming, tear-inducing, Kodak-worthy wore dresses similar to hers so count, the Ancient Celts used mistletoe cuteness, right? Perhaps not a couple that it was diffi cult to single her to increase the fertility of sheep (ani- of decades ago, when the father was out in a crowd. mal aphrodisiac, anyone?). It became literally giving away his daughter—mar- Birthday Candles: Enough ““Wait,Wait, youyou dodo what?what? WithWith mymy an all-purpose object to ward off bad riage was a fi nancial transaction, and weddings, let’s talk about birth- wwhat??”hat??” spirits and bring good luck, and people the bride was currency. There may days. Did you ever wonder why started hanging it in their doorways. have been some goats involved, or we stick burning candles into our Since it was originally for fertility any- a few hundred acres of land, but the food before eating it? The practice was gods. Those ancient Greeks, they were ways, they fi gured kissing under it father’s presentation of the daughter reportedly begun by ancient Greeks, wacky. might double the good luck. who offered cakes to Artemis, the god- Pinky swearing: Even the expres- page 10 the paper april 4, 2012 10/10 Doctors Think This Article Is Bad For Your Health When your motorcycle, muscles and stunning good looks aren’t enough, just light up a ciga- rette and watch the panties drop By Paul Ross that involved a cigarette had a deeper Remember Joe Camel? He was the they want to be when they grow up the meaning. The characters were calm talking, anthropomorphic camel that answers are almost always the same: STAFF ONLY COOL WHEN and collected holding everyone’s at- promoted cigarettes in the 90’s. Joe cop, fi refi ghter, soldier, basically any- SMOKING tention with the glowing ember that jut- Camel was awesome. He wore a leath- one who takes a risk with their life. I have a confession. I am a smoker. ted from their fi ngers. Never again will er jacket, shot pool, rode motorcycles, Kids think these people are cool be- I started to smoke for a simple reason: anyone even come close to level of cool played saxophone, and most of all, he cause they think danger is cool, and it’s really cool. I’m not advocating that Bogart or Dietrich achieved, but the smoked. Joe Camel was never without they’re right. Action movies rake in everyone who reads this article should simple fact of their legacy is enough to a cigarette in hundreds of millions go out and light up, just that they recog- make sure no one ever forgets just how hand and he of dollars because, as nize how fucking cool they would look cool smoking can be when done right. never looked a society, we like dan- if they did. Smoking, especially while dressed anything ger, we think it’s cool. You know why Don Draper smokes? in the right clothes, makes you look less than The side of my pack Because he’s cool. Humphrey Bogart? important. I’ve smoked while wearing a awesome doesn’t list the health James Dean? All of the Rat Pack? All tuxedo, and I’ve smoked while wearing because of risks of cigarettes be- cool and all smokers. Most of the icon- jeans and a t-shirt so I can say with total it. People cause they’re safe, it’s ic photos of Bob Dylan show him smok- confi dence that there is nothing cooler thought that because cigarettes ing because the cigarette is as much than smoking in nice clothes. Men feel Joe Camel can fucking kill you. a part of his persona as anything else. like James Bond, women like Audrey was so cool, Since this is common The cigarette that dangles from his lips Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. If you that the com- knowledge, everyone and the smoke that drifts up past his mix in a brisk walk, suddenly you’ve be- pany had to knows that each time face establish him as a grade-A, USDA come the most important person in the pull the ads a smoker lights up, Prime, badass. Humphrey Bogart and universe. That cigarette is there to help before the they might be one Marlene Dietrich smoked because it you cope with the stress of carrying government step closer to death. hid them behind a hazy curtain. The the world on your shoulders and every- could ban ““Ayyyyyyyyy...”Ayyyyyyyyy...” It’s this regular deci- tendrils of smoke that curled around one knows it. It’s clear that you would them. That’s sion to tell death to their faces deepened their character have something important to say if any- right, a smok- screw itself because and hinted at their sexuality. In movies one dared to ask. They won’t though, ing camel was you need a cigarette like The Maltese Falcon and Shanghai because it’s very obvious that in your so cool that the government was pre- that makes smoking cool. Express, cigarettes were a secret lan- fancy clothes, with the smoke swirling pared to outlaw him for excessive awe- Yes, I know that one day, smoking guage all their own. In a scene where around your face, that you don’t have someness. will probably kill me. But at least I’ll die the characters smoked, every action the time for frivolities. When little kids are asked what a badass.

accessories specifi cally geared to- And Now For Some More Leftist Propaganda wards the right-inclined. Why is it that Wishing nuns were still around to beat left handedness out of society left-handed spoons are ergonomically By Kate Delaney cutlery, scissors, desks, computer ac- left-handed desk myself, I cannot at- designed, and right-handed spoons cessories, etc.? Easy answer: it’s not. test to their virtues, but I’ve used right- are the actual worst? I’m sure that all STAFF SOUTH PAW At all. handed (read: regular) desks all my life, you right-handers would appreciate Remember the fi rst day in kinder- I mean, really, how and it’s really not nice personalized spoons too. Mak- garten that the teachers let you use goddamn hard is it to that hard. Yeah, I ing things nicer for all of us goes past scissors? Mrs. Fisher, or Mrs. Jacobs, use a regular notebook? might leave class equality and creates an unfair advan- or whoever you had, came around the It does not matter which with a slight in- tage on the other side, which sucks just circle and offered everyone a pair of side of the notebook dentation in my as much. Also, left-handed utensils not scissors out of a beat-up tin can. But you start on. No matter arm sometimes, intended for cooking look ridiculous. fi rst–and this was their fatal mistake whether you are left- or but it doesn’t Really though, I can’t shake the –they asked whether you needed left- feeling that left-handed people who right-handed, you are still ...... the...... the fuck?fuck? hurt. I don’t com- handed scissors. And all the little kids going to spend roughly plain about it. constantly advertise their left-hand- looked on with jealousy as one kid 50% of the time with the And don’t give edness are simply looking for a way to (hint: it was me) got to take the scis- spine digging into your me any “dexter- brag about themselves. It’s like they sors with the red handles. Thus began hand. Shit happens. Get ous equality” couldn’t fi nd any other impressive or the left-handed elitism that so very ir- over it. bullshit. First, you interesting qualities to sell themselves, ritates me to this day. You know that one just sound really which is actually very concerning. It’s A highly reliable academic journal asshole, too. That one dumb. Second, just a maze of self-important, non- (Wikipedia) informs me that 10% of the kid that spends every day if we’re really go- existent martyrdom scattered with the world’s population is left-handed, the bitching about the lack of left-handed ing to get into dexterous equality here, occasional “I’m better than you” and, most special of snowfl akes. Why is it desks. Honestly? Never having used a there should be utensils and other quite frankly, I’m sick of it. necessary to create special notebooks, april 4, 2012 the paper page 11 broken school? I think of my students How To Succeed At Success from last year, or my brother. They are in situations where the likelihood of An alternative look at self evaluation them receiving knowledge, let alone knowledge that will lead to them feel- about, let’s say, the Civil Rights Move- By Rachel Dougherty ing valued and empowered, is very low. ment. This student may be inspired In this capacity, a broken school will COMIX CO-EDITOR to start conversation with like-minded Let’s talk about why you went to not help them on their paths to suc- peers outside of the class, may be mo- Seeking: Guardian angel Basically grade school, why you came to college, cess. Second, the broken system has a tivated to think in a new way, may be I’m afraid of the dark. If there’s any- why you’re pursuing a career after high likelihood of producing dropouts, prompted to consider the power that one out there that would be so in- graduation. Probably to succeed, right? people with no credentials, and very they can claim. This student may feel clined as to watch me sleep, I would How do you know when you’ve suc- little potential to contribute to society. capable of claiming more of a voice greatly appreciate it. Generous hourly ceeded; what are the qualities of suc- Too often students are disillusioned and acting more freely now having wages, more generous if you wear cess? Perhaps it’s a solid job in which and forced to believe that “the only more tools to do so effectively. an Abe Lincoln costume whilst you you feel valued, or maybe it’s loving way” to adulthood is through formalized So to re-cap: I think that success watch me slumber. partners whose company you enjoy, or education. However, if that student has is measured by feeling (1) valued and Sext me: 414-517-6705 maybe a “comfortable” life in which you the misfortune of living in the wrong zip (2) empowered. Education plays an have access to material objects. These code, this education will do very little, if Wanted: Tongue bath I seek to be are all reasonable markers of success, not absolutely negate, bathed by licking. This would be a but too often we think that they are the the student’s path and strictly platonic, professional relation- only markers of success. access to success. ship in which those interested in ap- I think success can be measured Now please make plying would show up at my house, by two things: whether or not you feel no mistake, I am not and scour me with their tongue on (1) valued and (2) empowered. In an saying that education a bi-weekly basis. Taste buds prove attempt to feel valued, we often run to is not important. In a powerful exfoliant, and I would like assimilate. By conforming to norma- fact, I think that it is the to take advantage of God’s gift of the tive activities (think institutionalized most important thing tongue. education, 9-to-5 jobs, marriage, etc) in achieving ultimate To inquire, call: 315-882-6508 it becomes easier to present ourselves success (feeling val- to the rest of society, for we are using ued and empowered). Seeking: Baby mama I am an off- vocabulary and doing things that they As a human being it campus student looking for a room- are already used to. Therefore, when is important to read mate that will also double as my care- presented with something familiar, it Judith Butler and Karl taker. I seek to live my private life as is easier to know how to value it. Thus Marx and Immanuel a baby, and such a lifestyle requires the value-ers (society) can more easily Kant and Aristotle; it is constant nurturing by a willing partici- make the value-ee (any individual) feel important to read the pant. Must have a working knowledge valued. news and learn your of adult-sized cribs and mixing formu- Applied, this would look as such: addition and subtrac- la. Sunny personality an added plus! Joey works as a mid-level associate at tion. Education gives Call me: 708-250-7566 a local company. His wife values his in- everyone the skills to come and his usefulness. His bosses contribute, criticize, Wanted: dirty q-tips and burnt hair I recognize (and value) his contribution analyze, build, grow, am an avant garde fi lm maker looking to their company. Joey contributes to TThehe fourfour stepssteps toto beingbeing successfulsuccessful speak, etc. However, a for as many used q-tips and as much both his home life and occupational formalized education burnt hair as you can send me. If you life, feeling as though his contribution might not do that. like you can include your name and is important, so in the end Joey feels Thus, I urge you to arguably signifi cant role in achieving we will put it in the credits. Send to: valued and he has succeeded. consider how you measure your own any combination of the two. But here’s James Richard Perry As far as empowerment goes, success. Feel free to borrow my scale. what pisses me off: society, at large, 1100 San Jacinto knowledge and community are prob- If you do, ask yourself, are you working places too much importance on for- Austin, Texas 78701 ably the straightest paths to liberation towards feeling valued and empow- malized education. Society has gotten and empowerment. In knowing history ered? so bad, that those without a formalized Seeking: Stalinists and philosophy and chemistry etc. we Personally, it is something that I education or those who devalue for- Fordham’s underground Communist are able to participate in intellectual work towards everyday. But then, I slip. malized education get cast out, under- Society is seeking new members to conversations, critically examine the I participate in systems and structures appreciated, undervalued, silenced, live in our off-campus commune. Dai- world around us, and build our poten- that lead to my immediate disempower- oppressed-you get the idea. ly potluck dinners, continuous read- tial to succeed. Having and feeling a ment. I build and sustain relationships Consider that our school system— ing of Das Kapital, and group sex on part of a community gives a person a in which I don’t feel valued. Essentially, at least as far a high school diploma a weekly basis. Applicants must have feeling of being valued by many. This if “success” (by my defi nition) were a is concerned—is broken. There are two astute knowledge of knitting Afghans, feeling of being valued can, and does, class, I’d probably have a C-minus. So things problematic with this broken- as they are our only source of income. empower a person, for in their feelings I keep working, critically analyzing my ness in its relation to succeeding. First, Our communal cellphone: of belonging, one feels freer to act, choices and wondering if formalized what valuable lessons can a person 203-855-7970 Applied, this would look like a stu- education is helping or hindering my learn if they are only pushed through a dent taking a history class and learning path to success. page 12 the paper april 4, 2012 but being like one Bill Murray’s char- “I Don’t Know” acters would enable me to balance a mundane-to-insane career, and life’s Some random real life bullshit amidst the existentialist abyss stresses. Not only that, but I could By Peter Lacerenza dry.” were the salarymen and women when maintain a sense of freedom that EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR “What about research law?” my greed was good, and portraying us as proves rare amongst the bewildered Dad asked. basement-dwelling herbivores that fear working population. Now that I have a beard, I feel phil- I shook my head, and said that I commitment doesn’t necessarily set us When I think about it, I really don’t osophically inclined to speak some didn’t think it was in the cards. What- up for their level of success. It’s becom- know what that says about me. Maybe words of pseudo-wisdom. Consider this ever visions of judicial grandeur I had ing increasingly apparent that we’ll be I’m secretly disaffected like a young my absurdist, stream-of-consciousness painted for my parents at the beginning called upon to solve a lot of the prob- Bob Harris. Maybe I’m just too Gen Y article for the year. Enjoy it. of the year were quickly smeared. lems that previous generations have for my own good, seeking an ideal ca- Let’s talk about the future: I’m just My Dad—in his charac- reer that only exists in mov- going to say that it freaks me out. A lot teristic frankness—asked ies. Even if iit seems crazy or of this Motion City Soundtrack non- me how I planned to sup- unpromising, I can confi dently sense stems from my irrational para- port myself when he was say that I value satisfaction noia of climate change, which I assume dead and gone. and happiness over the Hora- “They were the salarymen “I don’t know, Dad— tio Alger schpiel we’ve all and women when greed was by working?” I said. He heard a little too much about. seemed unconvinced, as That doesn’t mean I’m going good, and portraying us as if the image of me as a to drop out of society and join basement-dwelling herbi- St. Mark’s crusty with a said Lower Manhattan crust vores that fear commitment newsie cap was too deep- punks, but is it so wrong to ly ingrained in his mind. want a career that provides doesn’t necessarily set us up In slight defeat, I eyed my enjoyment while acknowledg- for their level of success.” plate of food in search of ing that I have some sort of answers. Sadly, it provid- life outside of a not cubicle? I will render the world into some post- ed none. don’t know. Maybe this is just apocalyptic swamp. Perhaps the end The truth is, I don’t some sort of funky college of the 21st century will be something really know what I want phase that everyone not ma- more like Water World, or The Hunger to do when I’m older. My joring in fi nance or account- Games if you’re into that kind of shit. prospectively being a jour- ing goes through. I know that it won’t be nearly that bad, nalist is just an educated I guess I could have it but sometimes my imagination gets guess, but who honestly worse, as most people in the a little ahead of itself...Al Gore sowed knows where I’m going to wind up; I swept under the rug, and said changes world would love just to have the same quite the neurotic seed. simply have too many interests. It also will only become increasingly pertinent level of opportunity as the average In regards to my own future, I can’t doesn’t help that critics of our genera- in the future. No pressure or anything, American college student. However, say things appear quite as dismal. tion constantly remind us that we’re but we just need to be reminded as to there is a great deal of futurist pessi- However, there is still that element of unmotivated brats that are too busy- why we suck so much. mism that we need to overcome in or- uncertainy. During a dinner table con- ing “LOLing” and “OMGing” with our In these times of premature stress der to rise to the challenge. I guess the versation over March break, I told my friends via text or social media while over what lies ahead, I just resort to only thing is to not fi ght what’s to come, parents that I would likely become a our parents—whose selective memo- aspiring to be a Bill Murray character. and just face the future as it unfolds journalist when I graduate from Ford- ries glorify the more angelic sides of People may have loftier pursuits—to be itself. It may be less than ideal—and ham. “I’m just being realistic,” I told their youth—had to walk two miles a doctor, a lawyer, or perhaps a per- abounding in post-modern existential them. “I think law is going to be too in the snow to get everywhere. They petually half-in-the-bag celebutante— crises, we really have no choice.

ffordham:ordham: pputtingutting a gglasslass cceilingeiling oonn oourur bbusinessusiness sschoolchool bbecauseecause llifeife iiss jjustust a sserieseries ooff eexpensivexpensive mmetaphorsetaphors april 4, 2012 the paper page 13 the paper’s view

The Ram’s April Fools Issue: A Cry For Help This has been a disheartening ing a succinct, label-based insult for By Sarah Farber cipation proclamation there were over week for the paper, and not just be- our staff. Suggestions include: Wil- 4 million slaves in all the slave states, cause some of us found the “Mad liamsburg Wannabes, plaid-shirted STAFF JOHN WILKES BOOTH but I will give it to Lincoln and the Union Men” premiere kind of boring. We got ninnies, and the Urban Outfi tter’s The other day I was watching “Na- government that 20,000 is a sizeable “hella zinged” in the April Fools issue Sale Rack. tional Treasure 2: Book of Secrets.” number and any good done is still good. of The Ram, an annual tradition that 2. You’re right! We are, in fact, During this movie, Nicholas Cage says, However, this executive order only went never ceases to excite upwards of very stupid. Did you see the graphs in “Abraham Lincoln is my favorite presi- into affect in the states that were in re- eleven people on Fordham’s campus. the news section? We stumbled upon dent.” That comment infuriated me to bellion. These states were fi ghting for It is not that we oppose foolishness; those when looking for alt tattoo the point that I was yelling at my tele- slavery and were not part of the United hell, we prefer it to a self-serious ar- ideas…we don’t even know what they vision set. For the longest time, when- States at all and therefore the law did ticle debating whether or not profes- are about, really. Still, just calling us ever people say that Abraham Lincoln not do anything for the slaves in these sors should assign homework over stupid is, in itself, stupid, which cre- is their favorite president, I become ex- states, unless the Union army occu- Spring Break. It’s just that every year, ates that infi nite regress thing we’ve tremely irritated. I do not hate Lincoln, pied them, which was unlikely because The Ram wastes its opportunity to heard so much about. By the way, just merely disagree with the so-called at that point the Union was losing the slam us on three vague categories of hinging your stupidity argument on “facts” that people use to argue that war. As for the Border States (states jest: “What a bunch of hipsters;” “No your own misunderstanding of a very he is their favorite president in history. on the border of the Union and South one reads the paper;” and “You guys basic pun that a contributor, not an The most common reason that but whose governments decided not are stupid.” There are a few varia- editor, made (namely, the use of the people like Lincoln is because he is- to secede) that had slaves, these were tions thrown in every year, like 2012’s pun “Brian ‘MU’ Kraker” in a recent sued the Emancipation Proclamation, exempt from the Emancipation Procla- “Is The Ram Slutty or Chill?” an ar- “Superhero Dean Rogers” comic strip thereby abolishing slavery. These peo- mation so the slaves that were a part ticle attributed to our editor-in-chief as a play on his muckraker character) ple talk about Lincoln as if he was the of the Union were not set free by this in a style of satire known in the legal is probably not the best way to make fi rst ever abolitionist or he decided to executive order. world as “libel.” Generally, though, your point. abolish slavery out of the kindness of This is not to say that Lincoln was the formula remains and we are un- 3. Finally, try to be funny. If at fi rst his heart. Actually these are both lies. as bad of a president as I may be por- derwhelmed by the attacks against you don’t succeed, try, try again— The abolition movement started in the traying him to be, but rather that his- us—like a bad teenage babysitter don’t just settle for the fi rst idea you United States around 1688, Abraham tory becomes clouded over time. Peo- calmly watching “The Hills” while little come up with (Especially if that idea Lincoln was not born until 1809. So ple forget the truth behind what really fi sts keep punching her legs. involves libel! Perhaps you could Abraham Lincoln was defi nitely not happened and the main motives that Honestly, that the quality of sat- have tried Carisa Marroll instead). the fi rst person to think about freeing pushed the government into policies. ire has yet to improve after all these You’ll probably want to actually read slaves. They say, “but Lincoln was able Because of this fact, Abraham Lin- years has us concerned about our what you want to satirize before you to abolish slavery with the Emancipa- coln is a good president. He saw this sister publication. The 2012 April make fun of it, since modern satire tion Proclamation.” The Union govern- country through the Civil War, but just Fools issue is clearly a disguised cry is rooted in pitch-perfect goofs on ment as a whole wanted to abolish because he is one of the most famous for help, kind of how the kidnapped its subject. You may want to jump slavery because it was the backbone presidents in history does not make kids always end up giving coded mes- straight to The Onion for tips, but we of the Confederate States’ economy. him the best. sages to Benson on old episodes of recommend fi rst enrolling in a class Taking away the free labor force that You may now be asking yourself “Law and Order: SVU.” like 18th Century Wit and going from supplied the Southern economy would who is this crazy girl’s favorite presi- So, out of good sportsmanship there; maybe eventually you can start destroy the confederacy and make dent? Well, that’s easy. My favorite and camaraderie, here are our sug- watching some talkies or pick up a them come back to the Union making president is James K. Polk. Polk ran gestions for how to “zing” us in the copy of “Truth in Comedy.” Whatever the North stronger. Lincoln jumped on on a four-piece platform and after four future. Consider it a head start. Hope- happens, remember that we believe the opportunity to destroy the South’s years when he had followed through on fully, The Ram and you, our dear read- in you and, like your rec center improv economy in order to bring the Union all his promises he decided not to go ers, can heed our warning and actu- team, we will welcome all your bad back together. Also, it is completely up for reelection. Now that is a presi- ally stick it to us next April. ideas with a loving “Yes, And.” untrue that this executive order im- dent we can all look up to especially in 1. At this point, “hipster” is a com- If you would like to help us further mediately freed all the slaves that these times when the promises are so pletely meaningless term, so much disgrace our name, be sure to come were in the United States at the time. big, but the actual delivery is null. so that using it just makes the author to our meeting Tuesday at 8:30 PM This document only immediately freed look like an out of touch Mom. We in McGinley 2nd or email us at paper. 20,000 slaves. 20,000 seems like a lot recommend associating us with more [email protected]. of slaves but at the time of the Eman- specifi c, vitriolic identities when craft- page 14 the paper april 4, 2012 Cyberbullying Myself How Youtube beauty gurus are eating up my time, brain, and buying habits By Marisa Carroll fi lled mind, I’ve been researching them I wasn’t sure whether or not to ad- satisfaction of upping their view count for about fi ve years. These 15 to 45 mit this here, but fuck it: out of both than having anything to do with ab- EDITOR-IN-CHIEF year old women post videos of them- a sense of shame and a genuine con- stract Nielsen ratings or HBO subscrip- If Facebook turning my page into selves doing makeup “tutorials” where cern for protecting my gurus, I said “I tions. a Timeline proved anything, it’s that I they show viewers how to achieve love you” to my boyfriend long before I Further, I cannot stand to watch have a well-documented addiction to certain looks step by step, “hauling” felt comfortable enough to watch a tu- ads, whether they’re commercials or the Internet. I derive a stronger sense (showing and describing) items they torial with him. the faux-artistic product placement of self-worth from Likes, RTs, and site bought on recent visits to the mall, and stats than from the supportive notes reviewing makeup, hair products, and my parents send me every month (Just candles. While my favorites range from kidding! Mama and Papa Carroll don’t a Boston straight edge CPA to a Jew- write.) After losing countless hours of ish mother of two in Texas, even the sleep (and nearly my relationship) over occasional shock of pink hair doesn’t disguise that they perform a Nixonian “I started watching the vid- version of consumer-domestic woman- eos to fight my insomnia, hood. Still, I fi nd these women (and one man, a makeup artists and drag per- figuring the soothing-voiced former named Petrilude) irresistible. banality would put me to I started watching the videos to sleep like the Home Shop- fi ght my insomnia, fi guring the sooth- ing-voiced banality would put me to ping Network without the sleep like the Home Shopping Network added cost of a cable bill. I without the added cost of a cable bill. was right until I wasn’t.” I was right until I wasn’t. I grew to care about what Xsparkage had to say in her videos, even if I would never consider compulsively refreshing Gmail, I had buying a $200 hair straighter or doing to work out a plan with my therapist a Silk Spectre makeup look. A year into where I only am allowed to check once watching, I had favorites whose videos an hour—like Lent for neurotics. I have I watched routinely every week like I did MMyy attemptattempt aatt a mmakeupakeup a problem. “30 Rock” and other TV shows. I grew ttutorial/shoeutorial/shoe hhaulaul ffusionusion I often use the excuse that, since so to care about their lives, especially if vvideoideo much of the work I do is based online, I they did not have a very large follow- have no choice in all this. #MoreExcus- ing on YouTube (which, admittedly, is So, yes, YouTube makeup gurus that allegedly “contextualizes a fi c- es: Since I freelance and am working pretty “Rear Window” style creepy). I play a signifi cant role in my personal tional world” (-Matthew Weiner, prob- on a big, nebulous project about youth know SayAny- life. ably) but actually just gives my animal participa- thingBr00ke’s Before I check myself into Bellev- brain some more shit to get tricked into tion in social favorite lower ue for all this, consider how often you buying. Though YouTube videos are media, I blur lid liner (Stila think of a character from your favorite all about promoting consumerism, at the lines be- Smudge Stick show during your week. Years after the least the FEC ruled that all gurus must tween busi- in Stingray, shows have ended, I still hear women explicitly state if a company sponsors ness and natch) and her call each other “Samanthas,” “Miran- a video or sent the guru the product pleasure favorite chap- das,” “Shanes,” or “Jennys” (pop quiz: to review for free. Guru culture is the all the god- ter in The Hun- Whichever of these references you un- evil stepchildren of our hyper-capitalist damn time. ger Games, a derstand determines your sexuality). world, sure, but it’s also one that I, as My boyfriend book I haven’t My point is that if we build personal re- a consumer, appreciate; there isn’t a bought me even read. I lationships with fi ctional characters we Consumer Reports for cream blush, a domain know when watch on TV, why would the medium of after all. name for and how Ms- Youtube be any different? I say if people can spend their time my birthday, GGurusurus hhelpingelping ggurusurus GoldGirl adopt- I love all the great programs of the watching UFC fi ghts, VH1 clip shows, for Christ’s ed each of her aughts—I recently Tweeted a joke re- and “The Big Bang Theory,” I sure as sakes. dogs and how quiring in-depth knowledge of “Friday hell can check in with SayAnything- Perhaps she budgets for Night Lights,” “The Wire,” and “Mad Br00ke and see if she has any new my most her groceries Mad”…Favstar me, nerds—but I much theories on eye shadow application or twisted confusion of real world v. web every week. I feel the same way about prefer YouTube to real television. Infl u- how the US government planned 9/11 world is in my relationship with Youtube CityAndMakeup’s success in interior enced by Myspace and that time TIME (she’s a real winner). makeup video creators, aka “gurus” design school as I did about Summer Magazine named me (!) Person of the (the fi rst entry in a list of embarrassing Roberts getting into Brown. Year, I would rather give someone the jargon). According to my justifi cation- april 4, 2012 the paper page 15 or upsetting. So I test them out. I have great friends who will sit down and listen to the jokes, just being read off the piece of paper not even really performed. And they’ll give me feedback. They all listen to stand up on their own so they kind of get what makes up a good joke and what doesn’t, so they’re great to have around. Other than that, once in a while I’ll post them on Facebook. You know, anyone who’ll listen I’ll try it out on. Then I’ll use it on stage. LO: Why did you wait until after college to start doing stand up? CG: I was kind of a ninja about it Chris Gramuglia Talks About Life as a Comedian when I was in college. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was thinking Writing jokes, booking shows, and dealing with hecklers is all about doing it. So I’d just sort of write jokes in my room. And once I had too in a day’s work for rising stand-up comic and Fordham alum many [jokes] I was like, “Well I have to do something with these.” Once I by Liz O’Malley girlfriend graduated I was kind of miserable. OPINIONS CO-EDITOR just broke I didn’t have much to do. So I just up with them fi gured I’m gonna go to the city and Liz O’Malley: As a comedian, what and they can I’m gonna do standup. And I did it and goes on in your mind as you enter the still kill that the fi rst show went well and I’ve been stage? night. But doing it since then. Chris Gramuglia: I think the best thing some can’t LO: How do you book a show? to have in mind when you’re about to and the CG: The way I did it, to be honest with walk up on stage is nothing. I think audience you, is by Googling ‘New York City if you’ve done your homework and picks up on comedy’. I came across some open you’ve rehearsed your jokes and you it. It shows. mics and I came across what are know the order of everything you’re called bringer shows, which is a show gonna say, you shouldn’t be thinking LO: How do anyone can do as long as you bring anything...Just letting it all come out. you usually a certain amount of people. Bring LO: Does the audience ever break write your four people you get seven minutes. your concentration? Do you ever have material? So that was what I did. That was my to deal with hecklers? CG: I think fi rst show. I did a bringer show and CG: There are defi nitely situations the world is brought a bunch of friends. If you where the waitress might get in your fi lled with start doing well, someone might start way when she’s bringing somebody a an infi nite to throw some opportunities your way. drink or somebody might heckle you. ““There’sThere’s a lotlot ooff wweirdeird sstufftuff thatthat happenshappens thatthat amount of You can also do open mics. Open mics I had a situation one time where a girl yyouou nneedeed toto noticenotice iiff yyouou wwannaanna wwriterite ggoodood premises, are like public hangings, so I only do tried to fi nish one of my jokes, but she jjokes”okes” the fi rst half them if I have to do them. If I have fi nished it wrong. And I have kind of a of a joke. a joke I wanna try, I’ll do one. Most bad temper with hecklers; I made her Something of them are bad...it’s not fun unless feel pretty bad about it. Which made in nature the crowd is into it, which you do fi nd me feel pretty bad later on, but in the that’s just a occasionally. moment, when you’re being judged by getting laughs because [the audience] little off or a little bit peculiar to you. If LO: What do you think that standup 150 people, you get defensive. And in is just not into it. You know, the MC you have that switch on in your brain, holds for your future? my case, I lay into people pretty hard. isn’t good or they’re angry about how that joke writing switch, you will fi nd CG: I think...I just wanna keep doing it, LO: Do you fi nd the audiences attitude high the drink prices are and so on. stuff. Undoubtedly. You’ll fi nd stuff as much as possible, and if it becomes to be defi nitive of a good show or a LO: Are there other things that affect you can work and rework into jokes, something it becomes something. That’s bad show? your performance? fi ctionalize, edit, do whatever you great. The reason being a failed comedian CG: I think that an audience that’s CG: Absolutely. The audience is there have to do. There’s a lot of weird stuff is such a cliché is because it happens so warmed up properly—if the MCs doing for a good time and if they get the that happens that you need to notice often. So I don’t want that to happen, but a good job, the comics did a great sense that you’re not having a good if you wanna write good jokes. I also don’t want to be too ambitious and job before you—then you’re set up— time when you’re up there because of LO: I know you have a lot of jokes that say, “Well, I’m gonna fucking be famous, you’re primed for a great show. The whatever happened to you that day or are pretty dirty. How do you judge what that’s it, fuck you.” I don’t wanna be that only person to blame after that is you. something in your personal life, that jokes you use and what goes too far? guy either. I’m just doing it to do it and There are other times that even the can really make for a bad show. And CG: Well I like doing jokes about if it becomes something, that’s fantastic, best comedians in the show aren’t a lot of comedians are really good at that. They can hide the fact their things that would otherwise be sad and if not, I hope I can just be funny. page 16 the paper april 4, 2012 Miniature Tigers: Not a Petting Zoo, But Better! Only half of indie band’s set is enough to make lasting impression by Kate Delaney Doctor” and “Cleopatra,” some of the singing. The crowd was really into the STAFF PERPETUALLY UN- fi rst tracks on the album. It’s defi nitely music, especially the guy next to me who What: Battle of the Boroughs: The a clear move away from past albums, was sporting a terrycloth bathrobe. Bronx PUNCTUAL This past Sunday, I sauntered down but certainly not in a bad way. The new Despite my best efforts to arrive as Where: The Greene Space to the Bowery Ballroom to see indie rock songs are reminiscent of the dance an- soon as humanly possible, I missed both When: Friday, 04/06 @ 7:00 pm outfi t Miniature Tigers perform. As with thems of the 80s (but not the awful kind) openers and 20 minutes of Miniature Ti- How Much: $15 w/ a glass of wine/ many shows at the Bowery, the audi- and are much more fun to dance to. gers themselves (whomppp). I was, ad- beer, $30 w/ open bar ence was heavily populated with those Not to say, however, that any old mittedly, slightly underwhelmed when I Why: Support Bronx musicians as bastions of irony that I so affectionately material was classifi ed immediately as fi rst arrived, though I soon realized I had they compete in this year’s Battle (and somewhat self-deprecatingly) re- fi ller material. The band broke out a few simply arrived at a slow point in the eve- of the Boroughs. There will be fer to as hipsters. Needless to say, with favorites from the past, such as “Gold ning, and the music quickly picked up. drinks, snacks, and of course good such a crowd, I emerged from the show Skull” and “Cannibal Queen,” the latter I was so disappointed when Tigers music. Come hang and kick off at the end of the night smelling faintly of of which was possibly the best-received declared the show to be over, mentally your weekend. It’s supposed to be Parliaments and PBR. performance of the night. kicking myself for not getting there ear- a party, so bring peeps and enjoy Miniature Tigers released their third The show closed soon with “Sex on lier – but then I remembered that my yourselves. album, Mia Pharaoh, earlier this month, the Regular,” a live version that far out- ticket only cost me $16, and I felt a lit- and, as predicted, drew heavily from its stripped that of the album. Lead singer tle better. Even half the show was well What: Unwined at Symphony Space, content during the show. Only having lis- Charlie Brand’s falsetto was highly im- worth the money I spent. Bottom line? Free Music Thurday tened to the album a couple times be- pressive, able to reach almost impos- Miniature Tigers may not provide you Where: Symphony Space, 2537 fore the show, I’m not the most reliable sibly high notes for the common male with deep, insightful lyrics (or anything Broadway source; however, I did catch “Female register after an entire set’s worth of poetic, really), but they’re a lot of fun. When: Every Thursday How Much: FREE Why: Hello? Because it’s free! I’m of Montreal Offers Up More Than Just Music at Webster Hall Show a fan of free things. Free offi ce supplies (I routinely go and see my Phallic balloons and onstage antics enhance already awesome trippy songs old AP history teachers to stock up by C Sarah Strafford seemed to hit its pinnacle when a light stage. Kevin Barnes truly is a fantas- on pens and index cards...still have COMIX CO-EDITOR hit Kevin Barnes singing in the center tic front man and really kept the audi- not had to buy a pen all year) , free On the Friday of the concert, March of the stage. ence dancing and the excitement high food (I go to a meeting of which 30th, my friend and I arrived early to Throughout the fi rst two songs, men throughout the show. One of the funni- I have no interest in...if there’s Webster Hall for the show. Webster Hall in all black ensembles appeared on est parts of the concert was when lead free food. And not snacks, darnit! is one of my favorite concert halls, with stage dancing behind the band and car- guitarist Bryan Poole, a guy with huge Pizza and above!). But this. This its oddly vaudeville like décor and mis- rying strange items, like white umbrel- mutton chops wearing a rainbow pon- is free entertainment! The best of matched wall paper. It seemed like the las, to project lights and patterns onto. cho, crowd surfed. This band is fi lled the freebies. Those of you tired of perfect venue for a band like of Montre- Mid way through the second song, three with unique, almost cartoony, person- trolling Tri-Bar on their Thursday al. As we waited for my cousin to arrive, of the black body suited men threw large alities that really shined on stage and night should go check this out. the opening band started their act. This white plastic bags dramatically at the made for a great show. Change of scenery, plus good vibes band was made up of four 20something crowd as the music swelled. The crowd When the band left the stage, I and music equals a pretty nice night. Asian women, who dressed like punk el- knew exactly what to do with them and think the applause was the loudest ementary school girls. They were best ripped the bags apart, revealing ridicu- and most passionate I’ve ever heard What: Easter enjoyed with your eyes closed. Next lously long white wiener balloons. at a concert. They came out and gave Where: EVERYWHERE opener was a woman called Computer The fi rst few songs seemed fairly an equally amazing encore. During the When: Sunday, 04/08 all day Magic. She was a blond Lana Del Ray- mellow, with most of the audience be- encore, they played two of my favorite How Much: One hour of your life in esque looking woman who actually had ing content with swaying back and songs: “Gronlandic Edit” and “Like a a Catholic church, 4 in a Protestant some talent. Her music was good in a forth. But once “She’s A Rejecter” Promethean Curse”. “Gronlandic Edit” church, and nothing if you don’t soothing, hypnotic kind of way. Before began to play, the entire tempo of the always had a lot of meaning for me, believe (lucky non-believing bum...) and during both acts, a girl with a light show changed. I never realized how but it reached an almost spiritual level Why: Well, most of you guys know up hula-hoop was going around the dancey of Montreal’s music would be live. The last two songs were the most what Easter’s about, and for those concert hall performing tricks and hula- until I saw them live. I probably lost calm and heartfelt. During these songs, you who care it’s worth taking that hooping through the crowd. ten pounds dancing throughout the a white contraption came out on stage time out Sunday morning to be Once Computer Magic left the rest of the concert. On stage, the ac- and seemed to sprout branches and thankful and rejoiceful. For those stage, a bunch of men started assem- tors changed from black body suits to leaves. As its branches spread and pat- of you who don’t, go somewhere bling various screens on stage in front white and were used as human projec- terns and lights were projected on to its with your non-believing butt. I’m just of each musician’s instruments. The tion screens. A few times they even white surface, the singer also spread his kidding. You guys have it good. No entire hall went dark and the musicians brought out huge white puppets which arms in unison. That moment seemed guilt on Good Friday. No waking up took their places behind each knee they swung over the audience. like the perfect summary of the experi- early Sunday. It’s all good for you. high screen. Once they started playing The band themselves were also in ence. It was weird and surreal, while That is...until the Rapture. the entire hall was ecstatic. The energy on most of the antics taking place on also being beautiful and artistic. april 4, 2012 the paper page 17 Orchid Show at the Botanical Gardens Exposes New Yorkers to Nature NYBG successfully achieves modernity through use of hashtags by Sarah Madges the walkway that facilitate both stop- offering the diverse beauty of nature and-stares and passing appreciative DEADITOR Who: Dragonette, The Knocks, to average Joes/city-dwellers and glances. By isolating different spe- Xylos Fun fact! The name orchid comes making a spectacle of nature, pre- cies in very specific arrangements Where: Bowery Ballroom, 6 from the Greek órkhis, literally mean- senting botanical specimens as you — for example framed by palm trees Delancey St ing “testicle” because of the root’s would artifacts in a museum. Noth- or staggered by ponds and gentle wa- When: Saturday, 04/07 @ 8 pm shape! ing about the orchid show makes you terfalls — Blanc enhances their beau- How Much: $15 in advance, $18 @ In other news, the New York Bronx feel like you’re in nature, happening ty and allows you to see how orchids the door Botanical Gardens (commonly re- upon species after species in the can grow in plant communities but Why: Dragonette had already sto- ferred to as “the botans” in Fordham jungles of Asia—that also isn’t the also amongst other exotic epiphytes. len every hipster’s heart and iPod speak, or NYBG in acronym speak) is point of the exhibit. Blanc isn’t so The NYBG utilizes a maximum in its tenth year of hosting an amount of space unavailable space before she teamed up with amazing display of those weird- if you stick to traditional, hori- Martin Solveig too make pop hit ly beautiful alien-looking plants zontal gardens, and in doing “Hello” earlier this Fall. But eventu- known as orchids (Orchidaceae so introduces biodiversity to ally her voice echoing the simple for Linnaeus fans). From March New Yorkers more used to greeting was everywhere, not just 3 to April 22, the Enid A. Haupt seeing tons of crazy people hipster’s earbuds. Needless to say Conservatory takes on the na- rather than crazy plants. she rocks. You can’t help but be tion’s largest exhibition of or- Clearly they are also trying drawn to her voice. So I dare you chids for your visual and olfac- to prove the Botans and the to not be drawn to a $15 concert tory pleasure. Bronx both have class, drill- featuring her. This year, French botanist ing in the idea of hashtagging and artist Patrick Blanc de- this experience with “#orchid- Who: Aziz Ansari signed the exhibit, using a show” so you can brag about Where: Wellmont Theatre, 5 model he developed in Paris all the Easter orchids you Seymour St, Montclair in the early aughts that takes saw as well as hosting what’s When: Saturday, 04/14 @ 8 pm your boring, average, horizontal called “Orchid Evenings” ev- How Much: $35 garden and flips it. It’s called a ery Saturday so people can Why: Across the river and a train vertical garden, as it features sip orchid-inspired cocktails ride away, Aziz Ansari will be per- forming in Montclair (of all places!). towering lattices and structures much offering you a slice of nature and talk in a French accent about Don’t get turned off by the subur- covered in an intentional display of as he is curating an art gallery—the soil acidity’s effect on flower color or ban setting. There’s sure to be a lot orchids, ferns, exotic plants, and oth- appearance of the orchids is a gor- whatever. of Monclair State University stu- er epiphytes (plants that grow on oth- geous accident of nature; the place- Admittedly, the installation is dents in attendance, and those kids er plants or objects nonparasitically, ment amongst feathery ferns that ac- pretty classy—enough so that one know how to get down. So bring like orchids, for those who don’t feel cent each species’ uniqueness is an older Brooklyn couple felt totally cul- your entourage (announce that like looking up the Wiki page right intentional design. tured upon being informed by paper you’re from NYC, ‘cause they are now). The result is a procession of There are over 20,000 species of editor and NYBG employee that all sure to be intimidated) and prepare flowered walls at every angle, invit- orchids, and Blanc intends to show of the orchids are real, and not just to laugh at this riotous comedian. ing both awe, and a ton of amateur you as many as possible without dyed plastic formations. Whether photographers/Instagrammers to overwhelming you. He did a pretty you’re like this BK couple or have a Who: Mayer Hawthorne (& The get trigger-happy. good job. There’s a mixture of dis- green thumb, I’m pretty sure you’ll County) The thing about botanical gardens play cases hosting species from lady enjoy this awesome presentation of Where: Webster Hall, 125 E 11th St and this orchid show in particular, is slippers to Kimball’s holcoglossums some of the strangest and most el- When: Monday, 04/16 @ 8:00 pm that they are simultaneously about and walls of flowing shapes flanking egant flowers Earth has to offer. How Much: 20 smackaroos Why: Are you a fan of retro-R&B like Hall & Oates? Do you enjoy the simplicity and catchiness of 60’s Motown? Then you really need to check out Mayer Hawthorne. This Michigan-native has been churning out delectable pop music bursting at the seams with soul and nostal- gia. Cooler than cool, Hawthorne’s performance promises to be energetic and incredibly fun. The Stepkids open. page 18 the paper april 4, 2012 “Jeff, Who Lives at Home” Releases in Limited Theaters as a Sleeper Comedy Hit Jason Segel, Ed Helms and Susan Sarandon star in a comedy about a slacker on a journey for destiny, purpose, and wood glue by Suzette A. Dorrielan strip in the Monaco Grand Prix. Need- moment, Carols tells Sharon that she – it was during this moment one of my ARTS CO-EDITOR less to say, it doesn’t end well…at all. deserves someone that she can just be friends cried (she shall remain name- He crashes the Porsche (the brand new her with. It’s a sentiment that I think ev- less) – and then fi nally ends in “Thank On St. Patrick’s Day, my friends and PORSCHE!) into a tree and tries to pay eryone should take away. And with that God!”, when Jeff emerges from the wa- I decided that instead of dressing up off the owners of the lawn where they they run away to go to (drum roll please) ter, after saving a family of three, a dad in green (one of the most unfl attering land on. In the midst of all that, Jeff and VEGAS! and two girls. Who knew…Potheads can colors in existence) and getting drunk Pat see Pat’s wife with some guy. Pat Back to Jeff and Pat: they end up fol- be heroic. (like so many unruly New Yorkers plus automatically assumes cheating. She lowing his wife to a hotel and confront Towards the fi lm’s end, Pat and Lin- even more unruly tourists did) we went is, after all, looking pretty fl y, with some her and that random dude (who, by da, who are reconciling, Jeff and Carol to see “Jeff, Who Lives At Home.” No, guy, and drives off with him. Looks like the way, wasn’t much of an upgrade). are celebrating Sharon’s birthday, and we didn’t go see a guy named Jeff, cheating, right. Well… Jeff and Pat en- Funniest scene in this part of the fi lm Jeff’s a hero, and proud to fi nally know who happens to live at home – where ter a mission to unearth the truth, and is when Jeff runs into the door. You what his destiny was. Each character else do people live – like my friends have hilarious adventures together see it coming, but it’s still pretty funny goes through a certain change — no thought, when I sent out the mass text along the way. when he hits the door and falls down. more so than Jeff and Pat’s shifts. (I learned the importance of quotations though. While Jeff is defi nitely what that night). We went to see the indie we would call a waste of space, he’s fi lm, which fi rst premiered in SXSW last still a heart-warming character and year. The fi lm stars Jason Segel (from this is defi nitely due to Segel (the guy How I Met Your Mother), Ed Helms (The is just absolutely lovable)! His dynamic Offi ce), and Susan Sarandon (Rescue with Pat is hilarious and interesting to Me) and got limited release in across watch. Jeff throughout the fi lm is some- the country, which is unfortunately how the voice of reason. He’s the one because the fi lm is though provoking, that urges Pat to slow down while he’s emotionally, but most importantly for a going like 80 in a 35 mph zone in his comedy, hilarious. ““AreAre youyou ssureure aaboutbout tthis?”his?” new Porsche. He’s the one that tells “Jeff, Who Lives at Home” is about Pat to calm down and not jump to con- a slacker named Jeff, played by Segal, clusions about his wife. It’s fascinating who lives at home with his mother, Sha- to see a sort of inverse of mentalities ron played by Sarandon. In the begin- even thought Jeff is the slacker and ning of the fi lm we see Jeff undergoing ““Yeah,Yeah, I cancan dodo iitt bro!”bro!” Pat is the “adult.” It shows that Pat for a sort of epiphany and as a result he all that he’s done to be an adult, still sees meaning in everything. Everything, has a child-like mentality on certain as he says, “is destiny”. All cool, but things, and it takes an adventure with he’s annoying his mom, since he’s basi- his slacker brother to realize it. It also cally a good for nothing who lives in her While this is going on, Jeff and Pat’s But after the funny stuff, Pat and Linda takes nearly losing his wife. He fi nally house for free. He can’t even handle the mom, Sharon, is trying to uncover a have a serious conversation/argument realizes that marriage takes effort and simple task that his mom issues him: mystery of her own at work. She gets about their marriage. How he doesn’t compromise, but most importantly it go to the store to buy wood glue and love notes in the form of a paper air- listen, but that random guy does, even takes real love (yeah, I know, cheesy). fi x the window shades. He makes it out plane and AOL IM’s from an apparent though Pat points out that that’s just Jeff’s change, while subtle, is still ap- the house for about fi fteen minutes be- offi ce co-worker. Of course she’s fl at- because he wanted to get her pants. To parent. The spot where we fi rst meet fore getting derailed, robbed, and run- tered, but after losing her husband which Linda replies, “at least he’s put- Jeff is as if we encountered him in the ning into his older brother, Pat, played she isn’t trying to get her hopes up so ting in effort!” After the confrontation middle of that change, and the jour- by Helms. Let’s talk about Pat. He is she pursues this secret admirer with we pretty much think this marriage and ney we see him go through acts as a a pretty bad husband, who has prob- skepticism. She shares this with her co- this crazy day is over. No sir! The fi lm catalyst to propel it forward. And in his lems listening to his wife (dude buys worker, Carol (Rae Dawn Chong) who comes to a climax with Jeff, Pat, Linda, search for both destiny and purpose, a new Porsche without her consent… encourages her to just go for it and with and Sharon stuck in traffi c. They all one we see Jeff do some funny, crazy, and What! A NEW PORSCHE!!). He’s pretty an open mind. Sharon does so only to by one run into each other with a “What heroic stuff, and you think “maybe this selfi sh and looks down at Jeff. Pat is get embarrassed and fi nd out later that are you doing here?” moment, all ex- guy isn’t as screwed up as I thought”. a salesman of some sorts, making him the IM’s are actually from Carol. While cept for Jeff, who notices a helicopter And he isn’t. He’s just a guy affected by not that much higher up on the totem they are not by any means a joke, the and decides to follow it, running like the loss of his father, and lack of moti- pole. However, Pat ends up stuck with fact that they aren’t from a dude does hell. He sees a car accident before him vation. But I’d say, after jumping into a Jeff, and plans to bring him back home. leave Sharon hurt. Carol tries to explain, and without any hesitation jumps into river and saving a family of a father and But Pat, with his new Porsche (and his but doesn’t get the chance to do so un- a river to save a family, whose car went three girls – but mostly importantly sav- new driving gloves he says, “They came til she pulls the fi re alarm, clearing out through the guard rail. The moment be- ing those two girls from feeling the pain with the car.”) decides to imagine the the entire offi ce. In a somewhat heart- gins with a “WTF, did he really?” feel- he’s had to deal with – he may not be suburban Route-whatever he’s on as a warming, but also somewhat awkward ing and slowly creeps into “Jeff!!! No!!!!” unmotivated for long. april 4, 2012 the paper page 19 Art in response to government oppression Artists the Government Pissed Off defi es hipster stereotypes at New Museum by Caitlin Ramiro with substance--something otherwise larged, projected venn diagram. But as ing and minimal background research, lacking in plenty of contemporary art I read the description and looked more it is apparent that the Argentine gov- STAFF PROTEST ARTIST! pieces. closely at the piece, I found a political ernment banned venn diagrams in or- It is hard to imagine that such a po- Contemporary art can be pretty connection. According to the provided der to obscure its excessive elitism and litically-driven exhibit like the New Mu- ridiculous, so I can understand why information, “[i]n the 1970s, venn dia- blatant exploitation of its people. The seum’s “Ungovernables” would be lo- some people would quickly dismiss the grams were banned in Argentina to government separated its people into cated in the one of the most gentrifi ed New Museum. It is, after all, founded prevent ‘subversive thought.’” Some- social strata, including and excluding areas of New York--SOHO. Because by a former Whitney curator who de- thing as simple as a logical illustration whoever they wished. Pica notes that the New Museum exclusively presents cided to create her own museum after was considered dangerous to Argentin- during her childhood, approximately contemporary art from around the being fi red. However, walking through ian society, which demonstrates how 30,000 Argentians were said to have world, I noticed a contradiction be- the museum made me feel as though incredibly controlling its government disappeared. tween the museum’s wealthy location I was traveling to some of the most was. As many of my friends would say, Pica’s venn diagram allowed me to and the artists’ home countries (most fi nancially and politically unstable na- this is some Big Brother-1984-type- refl ect on the venn diagrams in my life- of which are developing). tions, witnessing their strife. shit. -the ones other place me in and the However, do not let the museum’s Though I enjoyed many pieces, Provided was Pica’s defi nition of a ones I create myself. Moreover, “Un- obnoxious setting fool you; this is no Amalia Pica’s “Venn Diagrams” in par- venn diagram: “a mathematical illus- governables” is like a history lesson overhyped, hipster-infested gallery ticular resonated with me. Initially, I tration used to describe group dynam- on international corruption that every- (not that there’s anything wrong with actually passed by the piece because I ics and logical relations of inclusion one needs to see. Oh, and the art is that).To my surprise, it showcased art found nothing appealing about an en- and exclusion.” From my understand- pretty cool, too. Back by Popular Demand: Horoscopes! Find Out What Is In Store for You! By Sarah Lyons STAFF ASTROLOGER Aries: The Moon enters your mother’s one appreciates your love for Big Time Sagittarius: You’ll get a renewed urge house on the third, making you one Rush—they probably didn’t think to travel, go to new places, and see th angry bitch. Calm yo tits and take a you would take it that personally. new things around the 9 . Too bad it deep breath, things aren’t as bad as will be at the end of break. Good news they seem. You will get a lot of work Leo: You’ve been poppin yo pussy on is that you will only have a few more and projects this month, and those the dance floor too much, and have weeks until summer at that point. deserve your attention right now just about worn yourself out. Give over petty problems. yourself a break now because the end Capricorn: You’re keeping a low of the month is going to be really profile this month, and maybe that’s Taurus: The Sun enters your sign hectic for you. for the best right now. Still, don’t be on the 19th, giving you a get out of afraid to emerge from your cave and jail free card on life for a while. Get Virgo: I know you were probably up be a part of a world that isn’t made of your friends together the following all night liveblogging the premier of warcraft. weekend and treat yo self. You Game of Thrones Season 2, but the deserve it. first week of this month is when you Aquarius: Oh now look at you. Looks actually have to do work. After that, like everyone wants to be your friend Gemini:Strong personal relationships it should be smooth sailing in life and this month for one reason or another. and feelings will be tested and work. Don’t let this go to your head. Being explored this month. This could go in the plastics might seem like being either way, but if things go bad just Libra: You are feeling lucky in love this royalty, but it won’t last forever. remember that you did not leave the month. Get confident with yourself. south side for this, and confront the Put on your brightest red lipstick and Pisces: Remember, the 16th is problem directly. don’t be afraid to holla and/or holla emancipation day! It is also the day the back. The night belongs to you. moon enters your sign, making you Cancer: Your emotions are going to more creative and emotional. Now is be all out of whack the weekend of Scorpio: You and someone close to the time to discuss that experimental the 26th and for most of the later you might have a bit misunderstanding writing class you never took to make half of the month. Think twice before this month. If things get too bad, take yourself seem cool. crying like a little bitch over how no time and west-side-walk it out. page 20 the paper april 4, 2012 Every April, Fordham’s Respect for Life club hosts a week of fun events, activities, and masses to promote the cul- ture of life and educate us about the most gruesome mass genocide of our lifetime: abortion. Not everyone on cam- pus likes the week, but we try to appreciate it for the spectacle it is. This year, the paper decided to get in on the fun by creating an interactive Respect for Life Week BINGO card. Good luck, we hope you win...your soul is at stake! april 4, 2012 the paper page 21 springs from the you can’t alter your sexuality with the conference, where she’d be talking bed to fi nd help, fl ip of a motel room switch, and Justin about intersex people or whatever have people Bieber seems a tempting familiar taste she’s into now. Then, she’d show up come in and re- for the preacher. Hopefully they can to speak and RICK SANTPORUM (dun move the head. meet up at the Embassy Suites next dun dun) would giver her introduction Don’t have Bieber to I-25 and grab the jacuzzi suite. Only (or, a Rick impersonator. Whatever.) reveal himself in after Bieber is full of Papa John’s deliv- At this point, J. Buts would probably the end. Make it ery and cheap moscato will the camera be outraged. Then, imagine her rage out to be a giant crew pop out and see if Ted’s learned when she steps out onto the stage and conspiracy that his lesson. My goal isn’t to get Haggard THE ENTIRE CROWD is donning “De- will drive her into to stop being who he is, but to fi nally fend the Family” t-shirts and chanting madness. How learn his lesson and shut his goddamn “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve! does that not mouth about the gays. Surely there’s Abortionists die! God created man and sound like great got to be something more pressing in woman and I like it fi ne!” At this point, TV? the church and in the world than how providing she does not have a heart individuals live out their sexual lives. attack, J. Biebs will crowd surf over to The Pope Come on Justin, I’m rooting for you to the stage. Knowing J. Buts, she will not by Gibson Mer- have at least one positive effect while recognize J. Biebs. He will then say she rick on this globe. has been “punk’d” which she will not NEWS CO-EDI- understand, but he will look like a soft- TOR Beebz on Beebz butch lesbian so she will listen to him. by the paper Judging by the by Kate Delaney Upon fi nding out he is, in fact, a cisgen- fact that the revived Punk’d has only STAFF BIEBER FEVER der teen idol, she will demand that the STAFF OF MILLIONS SEVERAL tackled celebrities like Miley Cyrus and I want to see Justin Bieber get footage not be shown and write a new Have you heard? Punk’d, every- Taylor Swift, Im pretty sure it’d be point- punk’d. I don’t understand why he’s book entitled “Undoing Bieber.” one’s favorite television show when less to ask Bieber to shoot any higher hosting the show in the fi rst place; the they were in middle school, is back, than the Disney Channel stars or other kid’s not a movie star, or even a TV star, Henry Rollins featuring Justin Bieber as the new MTV personalities. That said, I won’t let is he? At any rate, the 3-D rendering by Liz O’Malley Ashton Kutcher (who, for those keep- Bieber’s limited stardom hold me back: of the Never Say Never tour does not EXECUTIVE CO-EDITOR ing score at home, is the new Charlie punk the Pope. Benedict XVI is so shel- count as a movie. So I’m having trouble I wish Beibs would try to punk Hen- Sheen). He’s already punk’d Taylor tered Bieber could literally do anything seeing how Justin qualifi es to host a ry Rollins. In my mind it works like this: Swift, Miley Cyrus, and a bevy of other and the guy would lose his shit, but show (albeit a show on MTV). Justin Beiber thinks it would be ironic tween celebs (you’re next, that one my personal recommendation would I think it’ll work, not only because to ‘punk’ one of the most aggressively smaller Olsen sister), so he’s quickly be to stage a Satan-themed concert Justin will never expect it (therefore anti-fad ‘84 punks whose philosophy running out of friends in Hollywood to outside the Vatican. This would be the guaranteeing an authentic reaction), revolves around pain. Henry Rollins is fool. This being the Internet age, surely perfect storm of pop culture: you’ve got but also because he seems to have invited to make an appearance at a Biebz is going to take to Twitter to a semi-relevant reality TV show star- one of the biggest egos of the young- book store to sign his work for fans. crowdsource his new TV spot, and who ring a loved/hated Canadian punking a est pop star generation. To get punk’d When Henry gets there he fi nds an ultra better to tell Justin who to mess with religious icon revered worldwide. From on his own show, without realizing it… conservative cult gathering featuring than your friendly neighborhood paper that day forth, viewers would be too that’s got to knock a kid down a peg. burning piles of his books. To say the staff? Read on to see who we would jaded to ever be entertained by real- Though I’m still regrettably unclear least Henry is incensed. In my imagi- want punk’ed and how. ity TV again, and American pop culture on the logistics of this prank, I can nation, though I don’t know how he’d would probably implode upon itself in a promise that it ends in tears, and pos- really react, I like to picture him urinat- Mariah Carey spectacular display of disillusionment. sibly the early resignation of one Justin ing on something/one. Justin Beiber by Will Speros Hopefully then Justin would be out of a Beiber from MTV’s once popular, now walks out and is like “BRO I TOTALLY ARTS CO-EDITOR job, so we’ll consider this two punk’ds passé Punk’d. It’s not that I have a per- JUST PUNK’D YOU LOL.” Almost assur- To my knowledge, Mariah Carey with one stone. sonal vendetta against him; it’s just edly Henry Rollins wishes to verbally was never punk’d by Ashton Kutcher, that his newest song makes me feel disembowel Justin before grabbing his and let’s be honest: she’s way overdue Ted Haggard audibly violated, and I feel like retribu- douche head with one hand, letting out for it. Bieber wouldn’t even have to try by John O’Neill tion is more than appropriate. a loud growl and throwing him into the very hard to coax an epic reaction out NEWS CO-EDITOR pile of burning books. However, Henry, of her since she’s such a diva, which is I want to see Ted Haggard get Judith Butler smart enough to recognize the poten- good since the show is likely over bud- punk’d. He got punk’d not too long ago by Liam Lowery tial for a law suit, has more self control get at this point thanks to the over-the- when the homophobic preacher was STAFF QUEERO than that. Henry walks up to Justin and top Taylor Swift prank. However, why exposed by one of his male lovers, but I I, personally, want to punk Judith stares. He says nothing, just hovers not go all out on Mariah Carey? I sug- think it’s time for a re-punking to make Butler- famed genbder theorist- so bad above Beiber staring ferociously. After gest putting a horse’s head in her bed. sure he’s learned his lesson. I suspect it doesn’t even make sense anymore. a minute of this Beiber begins to furi- Putting someone infamous for having a he hasn’t because he still vehemently Sadly, I do not have access to creating ously weep and beg Henry to please low tolerance for something as petty as denies any wrongdoing and continues complex scenarios that trick famous not destroy him, he’ll do anything. Hen- room temperature in a situation where to rail against non-heterosexual life- people into doing craaaaazy things. ry Rollins agrees not to murder Justin even the most patient individual would styles. Being under the impression, Here’s how J. Biebs would kick it: he’d Beiber so long as Beiber tattoos the no doubt lose their shit sounds like a I think it’d be fun to check out if he’s have one of his minions invite J. Buts Black Flag bars on his forehead and recipe for brilliant success. Once she still a hypocrite. To my understanding speak at a big post-gender scholarly works for Henry 9-5 as a weathervane. page 22 the paper april 4, 2012 the line “when I hear the radio play, I make sense: “Make me a drink strong don’t care that it’s not me;” but we al- enough to wash away this dishwasher ready know this. Unless Hansell is the world they said was lemonade.” What? least self-aware person in New York, he Once I was able to accept this radi- knows that we know this. This is why cally new sound, the album fl owed The Men are awesome. The band’s beautifully. While I occasionally had lack of self-consciousness beats your to remind myself I was listening to The ears to death, in the best possible way. Shins and not Wilco (especially on tracks like “For A Fool” and “It’s Only Life”), the album is worth a few listens and proves ultimately satisfying. The titular closer is solid, and maybe even one of the band’s best songs in general. Port of Morrow is perfect for those in need of an indie-themed pick-me-up, however, the album is simply not as memorable or engaging The Shins when compared with the caliber and perfection of their previous LP. Port of Morrow April fools. That is of course former genius/Cosby Show guest star Stevie Won- der. That’s not to say that Stevie isn’t still killing it live these days, he just hasn’t Will Speros Was it so wrong of me to expect a really put out a good album in a while. With his string of pop classics in the 70s, masterpiece from The Shins after wait- I’m willing to forgive a little laxity in the creative department as of late. Although ing fi ve years for the follow-up to their he hasn’t had a commercially successful album in about fi fteen years, he’s al- modern-classic album Wincing the ways kept his integrity and only collaborated for good causes, like his song with Night Away? Their fourth studio album, Babyface in 1997 to help raise awareness about domestic abuse. Besides that, Port of Morrow, is most defi nitely not Stevie’s biggest gigs have been playing funerals and the Special Olympics. a masterpiece, but that doesn’t mean Although, with all the mediocre-bordering-on-boring music that Stevie Won- it isn’t good. This generally enjoyable der’s made since the 90s, I wouldn’t be surprised if he made a collaboration with disc screeches a little louder than the Fanfarlo Lil Jon. Maybe Stevie should, in a desperate attempt to stay relevant, release a last one, but sounds like much more of Rooms Filled With Light hip-hop album rehashing some of the hits that made him famous. He could re- a pop album due to the more upbeat, invigorate not only his, but also Coolio’s career and have a “Pastime/Gangsta’s Connor O’Brien vaguely beach-rock melodies. On “Deconstruction,” the fi rst single Paradise” mashup. But alas, the youth demographic would again be lost on the Port of Morrow is an interesting from London-based band Fanfarlo’s former heavyweight. The way I see it is that the only real way for Stevie to ap- blend of the translucent acoustics newest record Rooms Filled With Light, peal to the young folks again is to become a member of Odd Future along side from their fi rst album and the chorus chants “So Tyler, the Creator, Earl, and the rest of the skate punks. Tyler already said that he the distorted sensibilities come on, let’s dissect wanted him as his “wide receiver” on his song “Goblin.” Isn’t “I Just Called To Say of their third. While the it, let’s cut it up until I Love You” already offensive and condescending to women? The Men well into “Animal,” which returns to opener, “The Rifl e’s Spiral”, it’s gone… it comes to- more familiar screams, accompanied will no doubt draw you in, gether again, it comes Open Your Heart by Skynrydesque guitars and faint fe- the album’s best song is in together again some- Jack McGovern male vocals (don’t worry, it’s not the fact the pre-released single how.” In a way, these Open Your Heart approaches more girl from Cults.) After the appropriately “Simple Song;” it sounds lines represent the accessible territory for The Men. Once named “Country Song,” a more tradi- most similar to the tracks band’s shift in direc- again, they manage to explore their tional guitar driven build up in “Oscil- off Wincing because it’s tion. Most hints of folk record collections without sounding lation” eventually fi nds the blood cur- clean, well-balanced, and that showed so heavily derivative, taking well defi ned sounds dling monotone vocals everybody loves utterly exceptional. Most of the songs on their stellar 2009 debut Reservoir and genres in new directions. Their without shifting away from the album’s on the album are much happier than are all but gone and replaced with Rea- constant shifts in speed melodic feel. This is usual, which was something I struggled gan era synths and guitar lines. This and sound, either within a one of many examples to get past because of its foreign na- change in direction comes as a wel- single track or the album of The Men’s hardcore ture. Frontman James Mercer feels come surprise, as their 2009 album as a whole, will destroy any roots being touched somewhat detached from some of the Reservoir ran thin at times because of over-simplifying urges to upon, though never ful- songs, especially when compared to hints of monochrome. If The Cure and pin them down to a specifi c ly embraced. The album the deeply personal numbers off Winc- New Order were given a full orchestra genre or aesthetic. Within more or less follows this ing, which chronicled his insomnia-in- to make a record, Rooms Filled With the fi rst thirty seconds feel for the remainder: duced anxiety and paranoia. On about Light would be the outcome. of the fi rst track, “Turn It no new boundaries are a third of the songs, Mercer sounds The album kicks off with staccato Around,” the band’s change pushed, and The Men like a completely different person as violins on “Replicate,” but that’s about in direction is evident; the appear triumphantly on he sings to, presumably, the same the only disjointed thing about the track almost sounds like Queens of the other side, reminding you that they girl, promising her things will get bet- record as a whole. One of the major the Stone Age with a constant and don’t give a shit about your haircut. On ter. Mercer’s positive new perspec- benefi ts that comes from the newly earnest “baby girl” mantra shouted by “Candy,” a track that would make Paul tive on life makes for uncharacteristic found 80s pop sensibility comes in the lead singer Chris Hansell. It transitions Westerberg proud, the chorus includes cheesiness,but the lyrics still barely form of being able to do more than tap april 4, 2012 the paper page 23 laborator remains true to their past. As the defi ning track on the EP, the previously released title track is dreamy 4 SSongsongs ThatThat and beautiful. With a persistent beat and somber, sentimental overtones, the song achieves tonal harmony through AArere ActuallyActually the employment of atmospheric synth that’s both enticing and cohesive. AAboutbout JesusJesus In their remixes, both Ellen Allien and In honor of our Lord and Savior Matthew Dear build off of the song’s returning to Earth nearly 2000 years strengths while placing different em- ago this Sunday, here are songs that your toe and bang your head along to you’ve never heard of. Even before the phases on particular elements. In her we used to think were devil worship, the music. The bassline on “Lenslife” very recent drop of his EP, Thinking in remix, Allien repurposes “The Birds” as but are actually about the big guy will cause many a white man overbite, Textures, he’s generated quite a buzz a dance track, and does away with the himself. and the undeniable groove that per- on several different indie blogs. Chet gloom in favor of house, acid house, “Like a Virgin” vades the whole album peaks in “Dig,” Faker’s raw and eerily soothing voice and trance sequences. In Dear’s take, We’re glad that textbook whore a Ra Ra Riot-esque mix of trademark dances behind a blend of warm, jazzy, he is somewhat ambiguous stylistically, Madonna decided to write a song string-quartet ornamentations with a almost absentminded keyboard leads beginning with a notably Latin rhythm, about Jesus. “Touched for the very thumping synth Moog background. with heavy (yet velvety smooth) bass and progressing into something that fi rst time” obviously refers to her hear- Fanfarlo fi rst rose to notability lines, all embedded in an electro-beat- isn’t quite as electronic as it is sam- ing the Gospel at her fi rst service. after releasing their debut album for synth framework. His aptly titled EP pling of different rhythmic elements. “Jesus is Just Alright” free on their website three years ago. offers incredible musical texture, with In addition to “The Birds” and its re- I commend the Doobie Brothers That gesture, along with the whole layers of ambiance and conversation- spective remixes, the EP also contains for bringing up the sensitive subject feel of the album, made it seem like a al samplings, as well gritty synthetic the new track “The Sky is Black”, fea- of God up in their song (because, you much-scrutinized and debated labor of drumbeats and a heavy-handed use of turing Cocteau Twins co-founder Robin know, Christians are the most per- love. This time around, it seems as if delay and vocal fi ltering. Guthrie. The track follows in a similar secuted group in the modern world the band is having a bit more fun, and From his lustful and often overtly vein, diffusing melodic sentimentality today). However, just alright? Jesus is being professional to boot. The pro- erotic lyrics, it’s clear that Mr. Faker is over a progressive beat. amazing! Even with their name about duction is tighter; that is, sending this one out to the ladies. This While the band is less the life ruining drug known as mari- the songs have a range is, however, also where Chet fails in notable than artists like juana, I’ll let this one slide. between rallying cry and some regards to live up to the incred- James Blake, Neon Indi- “Yonkers” lullaby this time around. ible musical talent he’s putting forth an, and The Radio Dept., We shouldn’t even have to explain If you’ve been trying to from his rightfully owned throne of a Telefon Tel Aviv has man- this one. Anyone with a real sense of avoid the 80s revival of piano bench. His lyrics are, at times, aged to fi nd a sound that Jesus in their hearts should know that the past three or four just incredibly unremarkable (“Waiting combines their ethereal this young man simply loves Jesus by years, then you may just in the bedroom/I die alone/Waiting on and electronic elements rapping about everything he hates. want to stick to Fanfarlo’s my baby/Whoa/ It’s not my fault”). But, in a rather simplistic Tyler, the Creator personifi es the devil earlier stuff. However, ev- to be fair, Chet’s words are often inter- package. While certainly in order for you to hate him so that ery other normal person spersed with imagery of brief and sur- not the most revolutionary contribution you instintively turn to Christ! What a should give this record a few spins. It prisingly lucid scenes (“When I press to an increasingly electronic and lo-fi martyr! gets better every time. an ear up to your breast/I can hear the indie music sphere, The Birds makes “Bleeding Love” rhythm start/It’s hard to tell our beats for easy listening, a feat amidst indie Leona Lewis became famous after apart”), which fi t perfectly among the bands desperately trying to out-hip her sting on Britain’s Got Talent, and arpeggiated, staccato keyboard melo- one another. As it proves diverse in its her fi rst and most successful single dies of which Chet is so fond. And while scope, The Birds proves to be an ideally points you right in the direction: the this alternation between the mundane ambient soundtrack for any occasion. bleeding love of which she speaks is and the stunning may be confusing at Christ on the cross, bleeding for our fi rst, given the relaxed, often slurred sins transgressions. God bless you, manner in which most verses are ex- Ms. Lewis for bringing his sacrifi ce to pressed, Chet’s lack of lyrical prowess the public eye. is not an entirely pressing issue. And I Telefon Tel Aviv can, at least, look past the fact that Mr. Faker is no Max Bemis when it comes The Birds EP to lyrics, because let’s face it: the man Peter Lacerenza is producing some killer music. With his new EP The Birds, Tele- fon Tel Aviv’s Joshua Eustis has re- mained true to the sound of his 2009 Chet Faker album Immolate Yourself—from which Thinking in Textures EP the eponymous lead track has been remixed. Despite Charles Cooper Michael Maurantonio passing away two days after its re- Nick Murphy, operating under lease in January of that year, his col- the bearded mantle of Chet Faker, is more than likely one of the best artists page 24 the paper april 4, 2012

John Ford C Sarah Strafford Tim Luecke

Michael Maurantonio

Liz O’Malley