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Home , Extraordinary Machine

The Purchase

ISSUE 97

Stella Atrois… no taste, classless.” Daring Thieves The amount of merchandise taken as Rob Apartments well as the fact that the robbers stole several backpacks suggests the thefts could not have Is There a Need for a been accomplished by a solo robber. The idea Neighborhood Watch? of there being multiple robbers is one that By Bill Reese scares the residents the most. Had the robbers awoken Tim Wright-Bodine, who slept on the Thieves walked into apartment G-4-2 living room couch that night, Jaffe believes the early Saturday morning and easily walked out situation could have easily turned violent. with over $3,500 worth of valuables and prop- “They wouldn’t risk getting caught if he woke erty. “They had balls the size of watermelons,” up, and they could’ve knocked him the fuck out, says 4-2 resident Sam Jaffe. Thefts also and that scares all of us. I’m glad he slept occurred on Friday night elsewhere in the Olde through it.” and Alumni Village, though the police declined Neither the residents, nor the police, to comment on the relationship of the crimes, suspect anyone in the thefts. The residents all citing an “ongoing investigation.” suspect that the thefts were not necessarily Jaffe suggested that the thefts must committed by Purchase residents but were cer- have taken place around 6:00 AM Saturday tainly aided by them. They suspect friends or morning. He places the timeline there because associates of Purchase residents who could he awoke to get a drink around 5:00 and did not Nathan, Sam, Billy and Bob defend their very well have been intoxicated, considering notice anything out of place. house following last weekend’s robberies. the daring nature of the thefts. Jaffe’s keychain, With the front door unlocked, the rob- cords. For some reason, they ignored a stack which included his only set of car keys was bers were able to enter the apartment easily. of games and DVDs. Several pieces of identifi- taken, though it was recovered in the mud in The residents of 4-2 say that they regularly lock cation and credit cards were also among the the Olde parking lot, suggesting that the the front door. Jaffe is certain that he locked the items taken. So was Jaffe’s backpack, which thieves likely took the stolen items to their cars door on Friday night and believes that some- included camera equipment as well as the only and made a quick getaway. one from the apartment most likely went out for existing footage from a new film. A friend’s Though the police investigated the a cigarette or to get something and simply for- purse was stolen from a living room table, scene of the crimes and filed reports on the got to re-lock the door. along with a clock radio she had bought that case, there was a feeling among all of the res- Among the high-ticket items stolen very morning. The thieves also took beer from idents that more needed to be done, not only from the apartment were a Playstation 2 and an the apartment’s fridge. “They took a six pack of by police, but also by students. During the inter- X-Box. The thieves only took the game con- Icehouse and some Budweiser, but they left the view, the possibilities of forming a student soles, detaching the controllers and power Continued on Page 7... containers in the Town of Harrison, which even holding an open bottle, can, cup, ...etc of Alcohol A r rests includes Purchase. alcohol outside the safety of their apartment or The exact text in the student hand- dorm. S p i ke Due to Open book is as follows: So if you're outside having a ciga- Container Cra ck d ow n G. Open Containers Prohibited: Town rette, bring your beer with you, and a cop pass- By Jessie LaBarbera of Harrison LL#21 978 85 – 4: No person shall es by, he is by law allowed to issue you a sum- consume or ingest alcoholic beverage in any mons for violating this open container policy, Purchase weekends tend to be loud, public place or transportation facility within the and being of age doesn't change a thing. Even crazy nights filled with dance parties, sightings Town of Harrison. Carrying on the person, hold- if you weren't being loud, disruptive, or violent, of mysterious naked guys and of course, ing or possessing any open, unsealed, or par- the cop has every right to do this. booze. There is much underage drinking going tially full bottle, can or container which contains A big issue with this law is the word- on during these weekends, since the majority an alcoholic beverage in a public place as ing of it. It says specifically "public place" in the of students are under 21. But if you think that hereinabove defined shall constitute prima text. But, on a college campus, what consti- once your 21st birthday comes that you're safe facie evidence a violation of this section. tutes as a public place? According to an anony- from the wrath of the University Police, think Basically what this means is that any mous Res Life employee, "Student's personal again. In the student handbook, there is a sec- student, whether or not they are over the age of property ends right outside their door, which is tion under the alcohol policy prohibiting open 21, can be issued a summons for drinking or Continued on Page 7... arousal consistent with their sexual identity--“about three- Fact, Fiction, or quarters of the group had arousal patterns identical to those of gay men; the rest were indistinguishable from Homophobia? heterosexuals.” by Kristin Whitcomb In essence, the article states that there is no true scientific evidence that men are bisexual – and Chief Editors: Bill Reese The best statement I have ever heard concern- believes that women have more of a tendency to be truly Steven Tartick ing bisexuality was from a random drunk girl I ran into bisexual. Assistant Editor: once: “The gay community looks down on them, and the "I'm not denying that bisexual behavior exists," Emily Farrell straight community doesn’t understand them.” There is a said Dr. Bailey, "but I am saying that in men there's no Office Manager: great deal of prejudice against bisexuals in the media – hint that true bisexual arousal exists, and that for men Mark Schroeder for example, on the popular tel- arousal is orientation...Although L a yout Editor: evision show “Friends” Phoebe only a small number of women Kait Sudol plays the bisexual song: identify themselves as bisexual, D i s t r i b ution Superv i s o r: “Sometimes men love women. bisexual arousal may for them Robert Stewart-Rogers And sometimes men love men. in fact be the norm.” Business Manager: Then there are bisexuals, This article gives no infor- Alice Gullotta though some just say they're mation on the controversial Crack Team: kidding themselves.” A n o t h e r background of the study’s lead, Patrick Cassels little gem is: "A bisexual is a researcher J. Micheal Bailey. Mattie Davitt person who reaches down the Bailey co wrote an article in Natalie Eilbert front of somebody's pants and 2001 that stated that if parents Jessie LaBarbera is satisfied with whatever they were ever able to decide their Kristin Whitcomb find,” said by Dana Carvey on c h i l d ’s sexual orientation, Sable Yong Saturday Night Live. "selecting for heterosexuality Writers: Of course, these are seems to be morally accept- Joel Christian Ballezza all fun and games to invoke able….selection for heterosex- Jeanne Bopp laughter (and ratings), but the uality may tangibly benefit par- Karl Custer underlying truth is that the ents, children and their families Mattie Davitt media consistently downplays and seems to have only a slight Natalie Eilbert the importance of bisexuality in potential for any significant Kristen Jones its own right – often concentrat- harm.” Jessie LaBarbera ing on homosexual relation- Bailey’s most controversial Bill Reese ships if they decide to respond work, however, is his 2003 book Kristin Whitcomb to the gay question at all or if "The Man Who Would Be Artists: they portray bisexuals do so in Queen: The Science of Gender Mattie Davitt a way that makes them appear Bending and Transsexualism.” Rachel Nauer constantly horny, indecisive or both. A direct quote from the book: "Heterosexual men who Robert Stewart-Rogers Even so-called reputable news sources perpet- want to be women are not naturally feminine; there is no The Antigandist uate these stereotypes. Benedict Carey’s controversial sense in which they have women's souls.” Bailey also states that there are only two types The Purchase Independent is a non-profit article “Straight, Gay, or Lying? Bisexuality Revisited” was newspaper, paid for by the mandatory student of transgender people: homosexual and autogynephile. activity fee. printed in in the Science section on The Purchase Independent welcomes letters July 5, 2005. Carey based his article on a study led by J. The first group are men who decide to undergo a gender from the readers. We are an open forum for cam- pus issues and comments about the Michael Bailey, a professor of psychology at switch because they see themselves as females and the Independent’s coverage. To guarentee that your submission makes it Northwestern University. second group consists of men who are sexually turned on into the issue, plase e-mail the editors one week in advance with your concept. Bailey recruited (through advertisements in by undergoing a gender change. Obviously these com- The deadline for letters to be considered for publication in the following issue is Tuesdays at newspapers) one hundred and one young adult men, of ments sparked great outrage among the trans communi- midnight. After that, you must bribe us with t y, Gays and Lesbians Alliance Against Defamation candy. whom thirty-three identified themselves as bisexual, thir- The editors reserve the right to edit the letters (GLAAD), who are upset at being so labeled and defined. for clarity. Publication of letters is not guar- ty as heterosexual and thirty eight as homosexual. The enteed, but subject to the discretion of of the edi- men watched a series of pornographic movies – some of GLAAD has asked the Times repeatedly to retract the tors. Advertising space in The Independent is free. which involved men, some of which involved women – article, their main problem being with the inflammatory As space is limited, The Independent cannot guarentee immediate publication of ads. Editors and sensors monitored sexual arousal. The type of sen- title. will determine which ads go in based upon their timeliness. Outside advertisers are also wel- sor/method of measuring sexual arousal was not defined Of course, the term “bisexual” doesn’t refer to come. Event listings are also free of charge. To list or described, which does not give much scientific cre- that drunk chick who makes out with other girls at parties an event either call or e-mail The Independent. to get attention. I’m talking about honest to goodness We prefer that submissions come to us elec- dence to the study. According to the study, the men who t r o n i c a l l y. Our e-mail address is: Continued on Page 7... [email protected] You can also leave labeled themselves as bisexual didn’t have patterns of material in the Student Government office, Room 1012 in CCN. Backpage quotes can be left in the Back Page box, a makeshift container nailed to the wall outside our office, CCN 1011. Our office is located on the first floor of Campus Center North, room 1011. Whenever we’re working, we leave the doors open and encourage people to come in and say hello. Our o ffice hours are Tuesdays at 7:00 pm and Wednesdays at 4:00 pm. The opinions expressed in The Purchase Independent are not necessarily those of the staff of The Purchase Independent or the PSGA. The content printed in the Independent and subsequent pull-put sections is the responsi- bility of the authors, not the editors. The Backpage is satirical, and should not be taken literally. Finally, no anonymous submissions will be considered. Instead, they will be stolen and donated to G-4-2 as compensation. So don’t send them.

MICHAEL CUNNINGHAM 10/17 AT 7PM AT THE PAC, STUDENT TICKETS ARE FREE ✪ [email protected] ✪ EVERYDAY MORE automobiles and appliances. Since President Nixon repealed the God! Th at ’s Horr i b l e … The gauge of one’s patriotism was draft in 1973 and the armed forces were transi- not the size of their flag or bumper sticker but tioned into an all-volunteer force, healthy men Pass the Ke t ch u p rather their contribution and service. Later dur- no longer have to digest the newspaper’s inter- By Joel Christian Ballezza ing the one of the most volatile periods of the national section with such gravity and trepida- Cold Wa r, President Kennedy proclaimed, tion. In today’s military the soldiers that sacri- Americans have had a lot on their “…ask what you can do for your country”. fice their lives and limbs for our wars are most- minds lately. Soldiers are deployed and battling After Sept. 11 our current President ly from rural and economically depressed com- insurgents in Iraq, a resurrection of violence munities. has erupted in Afghanistan just prior to nation- Our present laughably immense al elections, not to mention the recent domestic national debt appears just as inconsequential tragedies of Hurricane Katrina and Rita, which as it does immense. This added to the image displaced millions and killed thousands of refined by our leader’s press offices that every Americans. catastrophe is either under control and bound No, these aren’t tranquil times at all. to improve or an unavoidable consequence of How have we possibly weathered the last few modern society; it persuades the average citi- years so punctuated by violence, scandal, and zen to throw up their hands and accept the tragedy of mammoth proportion? day’s events without reservation. We shop. Luckily, there are those that see it Just as easily as the evening news otherwise and this number is rising. transitions from reporting another soldier’s Just as masses of Americans rallied death to a commercial for Aquafina, America’s for the U.S. military to withdraw from Vietnam, awareness shares a similarly fickle route. millions today join the anti-war movement and Through image and word we are exposed to criticize the war in Iraq. Even after failing to pre- the vast drama that unfolds around us and with vent the war, the deaths of almost 2,000 a solemn and sincere voice we express our American Soldiers, and the three years of con- grief. After that, we drive our H2 Hummer (aver- flict since the invasion, the marches and age 9 mpg fuel economy), tack on another protests continue. magnet pledging our allegiance, and complain This dormant voice calling for civic about high fuel costs. This though, has not engagement has further strengthened following always been our way. asked us to shop and continue on with our lives the recent Gulf Coast storms and the following During the first and second World undeterred in spirit and unfettered by taxes. recovery effort. People are participating in reli- Wars limits were placed on consumable goods The contrast in contribution couldn’t gious-based service groups, forming volunteer as troops devoured resources and companies be greater. organizations and donating their spirit, time and converted to the war effort. Civilian Americans There may be a very good reason for energy to help others domestically and abroad. contributed their time and energy and patrioti- the modern American’s disengagement. We While the complexities and daily dis- cally engaged by planting patriot gardens to pay little or no price for the consequences of tractions of modern life are numerous and often develop self-sufficiency and made do with older our government’s actions or our own as citi- unrelenting, a return to civic involvement might zens. very well be in the air. people in the large crowd could actually see Striptease Review this dance with two back-up dancers. Most of By Jeanne Bopp them being her friends, who pushed poor short little critics like me aside in order to get a view Last Friday night my apartment-mate of their choice to win the show. and I made the trek through the rain from For people who weren’t there, this is Alumni Village to Campus Center South. Once what happened: Everyone in the audience was there we were immersed in all things typical of on their feet and Kendel decided to take her a GLBTU event, their trademark swanky envi- performance onto the floor. The stage, howev- ronment and vibrant music setting the tone. er, is elevated so you can see the people up Our hosts took the audience on a journey there. Shorter people still need to push their through three versions of “Don’t cha,” cheese- way to the front. When it came time to cake and a heck of a lot of underwear (which, With the act on the floor, the audience announce the finalist, it appeared Miss really, was all to be expected.) was level with the performers. Although I can Shenanigans did not even plan on announcing The show started off very well. Lavon appreciate bringing the audience into a show, Kendel as a finalist until the crowd started to gave a stunning performance and gave me when a person does this, the audience’s ability chant for her, although of course this is only hope that this amateur Striptease would be the to respond to the performers must be taken into speculation as an audience member and not best I’d ever seen. “Oh my gosh, they’re tak- account. For example, during Arley’s perform- fact. ing this seriously this year,” ran through my ance he entered the stage from the back of the Other than that, Striptease was enjoyable, fun head. Overall I can say that remained true for room, by first parting a way through the audi- and full of energy. Had the results not been most acts. Gimmicks and planned choreogra- ence. The main action of his tease was done what they were I’m sure I would have been phy kept things smooth. on the stage, therefore the audience could still much happier. If only Lavon won first place and My biggest qualm with the perform- see him. I had to ask myself, when the majori- Arley won second this critic would have left on ance was the crowned winner. The fact is, I ty of the audience cannot see a person’s per- a much happier note. Yet things are how they know how a production should go and what formance why is it that they won? A large and are and my congratulations to the winners and factors need to be taken into account, and loud group of friends is the only explanation I everyone who participated. upon seeing Kendel’s well-choreographed per- can find. Once her dance was finished the And as one final note, my apartment-mate formance I was impressed with the overall group started to shout, “It’s all over, She won! would like to use this time to make it known that effort she clearly put into her performance. You can all go home!” and other such state- she thinks A r t h u r, Jesse and Jenn were However the fact remains that only a handful of ments. ROBBED!

MONEY IS PRINTED FOR MONOPOLY THAN FOR THE U.S. TREASURY ✪ MORE THAN 50% OF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD HAVE NEVER C o n c e r t Rev i e w : The Machine Drives Paul McCart n e y Extraordinarily Well By Kristen Jones by Natalie Eilbert

You would think that after 50 years of writ- From the somberly sonorous tones ing and performing some of the greatest rock and roll of Tidal to the melodic redemption of When the songs ever known to the human race, Sir Paul P a w n … comes Fiona A p p l e ’ s triumphant McCartney would be washed up, exhausted, and bor- return to the music scene. After a six year hia- ing. But judging by the way he brought down the tus, the highly anticipated release of house at Madison Square Garden on October 4, it Extraordinary Machine hit stores on October was plain to see that the old man has still got it (not to 4th. Although devoted fans have pointed fin- mention the $275 my mom spent on tickets). gers at Apple’s , Epic, for shelving After sitting through a half hour of DJ Extraordinary Machine in 2003, it is still uncon- Freelance Hellraiser and a mini documentary about firmed if Sony withheld the release of her Paul and the Beatles, a scene vaguely reminiscent of or if it was Apple’s choice to do so, Beatlemania played out. The curtain vanished, the unsatisfied with the work that had been done lights went on, pot smoke filled the air, and on the first at the time. chord of "The Magical Mystery Tour" a sold out crowd ber John, George, and Linda. He played “Ye s t e r d a y ” In May 2005, a copy of her album of all ages gave the 63-year-old a royal "welcome on the same he used on The Ed Sullivan show had leaked on to the internet and I took it upon back" to . 40 years ago, and "Live and Let Die" was accompa- myself to download this coveted album, along The set list was not surprising in the least nied by cacophonous explosions of fire. with tons of other anxious fans. After a few but not disappointing either. He mixed up classics like As visually and musically thrilling as it was, good listens, I was in a state of awe as Apple "The Long and Winding Road," "Eleanor Rigby, " I'm still going to have to say "Hey Jude" was the pin- celebrated her strength in combating the woes "Penny Lane," and "Get Back," with songs off his nacle of the performance. As flames from lighters of former lovers with seemingly upbeat songs, brand new critically acclaimed solo album Chaos and sparked up in every direction, Paul conducted the "na- still maintaining her pensive and often times Creation in the Backyard, including the download- na-na-na's" from three separate sections of the arena depressing lyrics. In an interview though, worthy "English Te a . " and then divided it up between the men and women. Apple expressed her frustration with her pre- Paul even threw in a couple Wings tunes, Even the eight-year-old boy behind me was joining in mature album already being dissected and and the rare track, "In Spite of All the Danger" which on the ten minute free-for-all. regaled by fans after working with long-time was the first song recorded by The Quarryman, a pre- After rocking out for over two hours, jump- collaborator . She called the bootleg Beatles quintet: "We all shared the recording. I had it ing back and forth from electric guitar to acoustic to “embryonic” and “unsteady”. for a week, John then had it for a week, then George (all while sweating through his light blue T- s h i r t ) Brion’s use of bells and whistles in had it for a week, then Colin had it for a week, then it's no surprise that Paul did not only one-- but two his musical frameworks added to A p p l e ’s D u ff had it for 25 years" he joked. encores, which featured songs such as "Helter desire to move on to a style more fit to her Unlike most big name rock concerts you'll S k e l t e r," and "Let it Be." The evening was satisfyingly vision. Compelled by a need to evolve her see today, Paul's provided much more than great concluded with the "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club songs, Apple decided to fine-tune the album, music. He imitated falling in the bottomless pit on Band" reprise, and by that point, I don't think that Paul working with Dr. Dre’s right-hand man, Mike stage from where a grand piano eerily floated out of, had to worry about us enjoying the show. Despite a Elizondo, who had previously done bass on adding the Old English word "peradventure" to the complete botch on one of the piano songs, and a few her song “Limp” from When the Pawn…. audience's vocabulary and took a moment to remem- voice cracks here and there, I can safely say I enjoyed Since I had originally perceived Brion’s work every minute of it. on the album as a well-mixed and developed it? The letter “C” can be eliminated entirely. sound, this made me all the more psyched for Alphabet Revolution This is not because of my personal the actual album to hit shelves. by Karl Custer vendetta against the blasted half-circle; it is Upon receiving this album, the cover simply common for people to misspell my first One of my most pressing problems struck me as colorful and distinctive. Leaving name with a “C.” When we were learning how behind the cover art of her past , which with the English language is the poor design of to read, remember how we weren’t sure our alphabet. As of right now, our letters are in captured close-up shots of her dejected aqua whether to pronounce the “C” as hard or soft, marine eyes and her delicate egg-shell skin, serious need of spring cleaning to get rid of the using an “S” or a “K” sound? Why go through Continued on Page 6... unnecessary, repeated characters. With our that confusion when we already have “S” and current structure, several consonants are sim- “K?” “K” is not given enough credit; it is a strong ply rip-offs and copycats of less popular ones letter, asthetically pleasing to the eye and fun while vowels have over-glorified their impor- for the tongue. We do not need “C” at all. “C” is tance. a slacker that follows “K” and takes its credit For starters, look at the first four let- like an overly-clingy girlfriend. Too many words ters of the alphabet. We all know the song: “A that use “K” have a “C” tacked on for no appar- B C D.” It’s the same tune as “Twinkle Twinkle” ent reason. I say pack up your bags, “C, ‘cause and “Ba Ba Black Sheep,” just without words. nobody likes you, see? Even if we desperately The first two letters should be switched for very needed to keep the “CH” combo in words like simple reasons. In all honesty, the vowel “A” “chunk,” we could use a “K” and no one would does not belong in front of the alphabet; we are mind. It’s easy: “Khuckie, khuk that khunk of merely giving a member of a minority top billing khokolate at the khosen rokh.” because of its social status. “B” starts the For a while, the alphabet works fine words “before,” “beginning,” and “begun;” thus, until we arrive at the letter which most of my “B” has every right to commence the alphabet. teachers used to grade my written works and What does “A” begin? The words “after” and the greatest string ever, “G.” As we all know, “already,” so why then is it brought to the front Continued on Page 6... when we have a perfectly good “B” right behind

MADE OR RECEIVED A TELEPHONE CALL ✪ [email protected] ✪ VIDEO HIPPOS, WZT HEARTS, DREW SWINBURNE, By The Anigandist

O’DEATH: SAT. 10/15 WHITSON’S GREETING HALL 8PM ✪ OCT 15 IS FAMILY DAY ✪ AN AFRICAN BAOBAB TREE’S CIRCUMFERENCE CAN M O N D AY- F R I D A Y N E W PURCHASE FREE BUS TIMETABLE! Camps Campus New Apts. Alumni Dorm Summer- Stop & White Port Trains Galleria Target/ Waller West- Stop & Summer- Plains Chester Center Center Village Parking field Shop Metro-North Metro-North to NYC Mall City Ave./Post chester Shop field South North Lot Suites Station Station (Main St.) Center Road Mall Suites Local 12:00 P 12:02 12:04 12:06 12:08 12:24 12:34 12:47 - - - 12:59 12:52 12:57 1:02 1:09 1:13 1:28 Express 1:38 1:40 1:42 1:44 1:46 ------2:01 - - - 2:08 2:06 ------2:13 - - - 2:28 Local 2:38 2:40 2:42 2:44 2:46 3:02 3:12 3:25 - - - 3:33 3:30 3:35 3:40 3:47 3:51 4:06 Express 4:46 4:48 4:50 4:52 4:54 ------5:09 - - - 5:25 5:14 ------5:21 - - - 5:36 Express 5:46 5:48 5:50 5:52 5:54 ------6:09 - - - 6:36 6:14 ------6:21 - - - 6:36 Express 6:46 6:48 6:50 6:52 6:54 ------7:14 7:16/7:45 ------7:34 Local 7:44 7:46 7:48 7:50 7:52 8:08 8:18 8:31 - - - 8:36 8:36 8:41 8:46 8:53 8:57 9:12 Express 10:00 10:02 10:04 10:06 10:08 10:24 10:34 10:47 - - - 10:59 10:52 10:57 11:02 11:09 - - - 11:22 Express 11:32 11:34 11:36 11:38 11:40 11:56 ------12:21 12:36 ------Local 12:51 12:53 12:55 12:57 12:59 1:15 - - - 1:41 ------1:46 1:51 1:56 2:03 - - - 2:16 Local 2:26 2:28 2:30 2:32 2:34 ------SATURDAY-SUNDAY Camps Campus New Apts. Alumni Dorm Summer- Stop & White Plains Port Chester Trains Galleria Target/ Waller West- Stop & Summer- Center Center Parking field Metro-North Mall City Ave./Post chester field South North Village Shop Metro-North to NYC Shop Lot Suites Station Station (Main St.) Center Road Mall Suites Local 12:00 P 12:02 P 12:04 P 12:06 12:08 12:24 12:34 12:47 - - - 12:59 12:52 12:57 1:02 1:09 1:13 1:28 Express 1:38 1:40 1:42 1:44 1:46 - - - 1:56 2:09 - - - 2:30 2:14 ------2:21 2:25 2:40 Local 2:50 2:52 2:54 2:56 2:58 3:14 3:24 3:27 - - - 3:30 3:32 3:37 3:42 3:49 3:53 4:08 Express 4:48 4:50 4:52 4:54 4:56 - - - 5:06 5:19 - - - 5:30 5:24 ------5:31 5:35 5:50 Express 6:00 6:02 6:04 6:06 6:08 - - - 6:18 6:31 - - - 6:59 6:36 ------6:43 6:47 7:02 Local 7:12 7:14 7:16 7:18 7:20 ------7:40 8:16 ------8:00 Local 8:10 8:12 8:14 8:16 8:18 8:34 8:44 8:47 - - - 8:59 8:52 8:57 9:02 9:09 9:13 9:28 Express 10:08 10:10 10:12 10:14 10:16 10:32 - - - 10:45 - - - 10:59 10:50 10:55 11:00 11:07 - - - 11:20 Local 11:30 11:32 11:34 11:36 11:38 11:54 ------12:19 12:38 ------Local 12:53 12:55 12:57 12:59 1:01 1:17 - - - 1:41 ------1:46 1:51 1:56 2:03 - - - 2:16 Local 2:26 2:28 2:30 2:32 2:34 ------“Alphabet” from page 4... an “ecks” sound. I did not learn this until the seventh “” from Page 4... “G” sometimes takes “J’s” sound when it wants to be grade because “X” is so rarely used in any words to Extraordinary Machine beautifully shows the soft and sensitive to impress the ladies. “G” should begin with. Let “Z” get some more action; it’s barely sweet glossy green tips of pollen, so clearly only be used for the hard sound as such: Great Gary used as it is. Give it a chance to really show its worth. photographed that it looks sticky with dew. gets his guns to guard his gorgeous gourds. T h a t I see “X” as a cool symbol for warning people of This, of course, was intriguing and piqued works for me. And, come to think of it, “G” does not radioactive danger and a rating system for the king of my interest even more as I opened the cas- work in proper names come to think of it. Look at movies that I aspire to direct. It has a definite place in ing and was reminded of the actual disk “George;” why not use a “J?” Because apparently our society simply for its latter use. Honestly, though, inside. that spells out “Hor-hay.” Whose idea was that? “X” should be removed from the alphabet and thrown Compared to the album that On now to the letter “Q,” one of those real- away with “C” and “Q.” leaked on the internet, I can understand why ly unnecessary letters that can be erased without any Now we come to the most confused letter Apple chose to use the word “embryonic” grief. “Q” is used so infrequently it would not really be of all: “Y,” the whiny, pre-operative transgender letter when describing it. “Better Version of Me”, a n y o n e ’s loss, except of course for “U,” but who the that can’t decide what to call itself. Sometimes it’s a for example, reveals each producer’s style hell cares about “U?” “U’s” suck. We could really use consonant and sometimes it’s a vowel: make up your techniques. While the bootleg done by Brion a “K” and “W” combination and it would phonetically damn mind. We don’t need some weird, ify letter that opens the song up with tasteful clicks, dings make the same sound: Freddy Mercury formed the can’t decide where it stands floating around; we’ve and reverb, Elizondo takes that sound to a band Kween in a kwarter of an hour. Simple enough. got words to make. The way it works best is for “Y” to more polished level, concentrating more on The end of the alphabet is really our junk remain a consonant, because whenever it acts as a the predominance of piano and bass. pile; it’s where we put letters that no one likes or uses vowel, it is to compensate for a lazy “I” who is just too “”, however, remained untouched often enough to care. Our final line-up consists of “W busy jacking off “H” to get in the middle of “rhythm.” and is possibly the rawest song on this X Y Z.” For starters, I never like having a letter with We need “Y” for such words as “yellow yaks.” T h a t album, pairing the intimacy of simple piano more than one syllable to its name; it just doesn’t really is most of the use we have for “Y.” Beyond that, and Apple’s trembling voice. make sense for a prime component to have more to l e t ’s just say that it’s good for that weirdo to be Elizondo surrounds her bold voice it than its function. It is the most basic component of pushed in the back. and her piano work with the impressive a sound; “W” does not need three syllables; nor does So with all of these necessary revisions, plucking of string instruments and busy it need to be named after a vowel. A “W” is not two the new and improved English alphabet reads as fol- drumming. As a result, Apple absorbs all of “ U ’s,” but two “V’s.” So its name should be pro- l o w s : the music orbiting around her romantic nounced “double ‘V.’” B A D E F G H I J K L M N O P R S T U V W Y plights to create an extravagant and eclectic “X:” where to begin? There is little doubt Z approach to the music scene. that the crossed letter looks coolest among the entire There you have it: 23 letters, 5 solid vow- With all of that said, for those who alphabet, yet its purpose in our phonetic language is els properly put in their place, and no more worries think that Extraordinary Machine is fabulous, severely lacking. When “X” begins a word, which is about the letter “C.” Fiona Apple will be performing in New York rarer than a good Hillary Duff movie, it makes the “Z” Webster and the MLA, you have your mis- at the Nokia Theater on December 11th and sound . When “X” is in the middle of a word, it makes sion. Now get to work. you’d be an utter fool if you missed it.

REACH 180 FEET ✪ NAKED GUY: WHO ARE YOU? EMAIL PURCAHSEINDY@GMAIL .COM ✪ NEXT WEEK IS CAREER WEEK: OCT 17-20 ✪ “Open Container” from Front Page... “Thefts” from Front Page... all said in the student hand book." This states neighborhood watch group began to sound like a that once you step foot outside your dorm or really good idea. apartment, you are on state property, and “It needs to happen.” Says Jaffe. “I’m technically in a public place. all for students helping students. We are a neigh- Some students were unaware of this borhood, and we can’t all keep quiet… because law, even after an e-mail was sent out to all the cops are not cutting it.” students. When informed, some where sur- In addition to the neighborhood watch prised. Ramat Nwaha, senior liberal studies group, the residents also felt that a guard booth said, "I think you should be able to walk at the front of campus was becoming a necessi- around the vicinity [of the apartments] with ty. The prevailing feeling was that this was the alcohol if you’re of age. Purchase isn't a very smart thing to do. “We don’t need the Gestapo,” public place, it's not like you're in the City says Jaffe, “But there’s no reason not to have Center or something." people log in and log out, especially if they’re Other students had strong opinions, from off-campus.” an expressed their discontent with the In an e-mail to The Independent, University Police. Sam Jaffe, film said, "It is College President Thomas J. Schwarz said he ridiculous that the police here on campus who would host a meeting between students and uni- say they are going by Harrison's law take versity police to discuss and debate a neighbor- such liberties with the open container policy. hood watch group. He also said that the college Furthermore, this campus shouldn't be classi- is looking into a booth at the front gate. However, fied as a "public place." I feel that with the because of the large audiences that the effort currently underway to get a guard at the Performing Arts Center attracts, “It is not practi- front of campus to check in visitors it will mean cal to stop each car except in the late evening to that this campus after a certain hour can no down more on drinking over the last few early morning hours.” longer be classified (from a legal standpoint) a years. According to University Police records, “This is a pretty vulnerable campus,” "public place," and god willing, we will see an the number of "Liquor Law Violations Referred says Peri Pipkin, whose purse was stolen from end to the abuse of this law by the campus For Disciplinary Action" has risen from 224 in the apartment on Saturday morning. A student- police." 2003 to 350. While "Liquor Law Arrests" has run checkpoint at the front of campus could add A Harrison Lieutenant who declined risen from 4 to 17. More cops roaming the more on-campus jobs, a prospect that was to be identified, said, when asked about the campus on weekends can be noticed, and appealing to everyone in G-4-2. open container law, that the Harrison Police many parties are being broken up before they Other residents pointed to the poor Department had nothing to do with the prose- even get started. This doesn't chase away the relationship between the police and students as cution of any violators and that when they are many party-goers, crowding mostly the Olde a cause of the problem. “There’s an atmosphere brought to court, the University Police Officers once the weekend starts. of transgression here,” says resident Nathan will be the prosecutors. Spengler, “Because the law makes us all feel like Police are seem to be cracking we’re always doing something wrong, it makes Additional reporting by Mattie Davitt anti-social behavior and illegal behavior seem acceptable.” None of the residents expect to see any of their valuables ever again. As of press time, the police have absolutely no leads, sus- pects or evidence. In spite of disheartening cir- cumstances, the apartment intends to continue ARIES (March 21-April one will recognize your sarily mean it’s a terrible has a way of worming its it’s weekly Malt Liquor Monday parties, spon- 19) This week it’s time for awesome willpower and omen of death. And just way into your life. Can you sored by Connecticut Wine and Liquors. “Malt you to make up for lost bow to your... well, will. A because something is ignore its imminent arrival time, Aries. If you find Mr. Ben Parker once said cute, cuddly, sexually sat- as you jauntily go about Liquor Mondays is a way of life, man,” says a yourself falling back into that with great power isfying and stays for your regular business? Or old habits, then perhaps comes great responsibility. breakfast doesn’t mean will you declare war on all defiant Jaffe. you ought to just go out Well, my dear, you are no that it won’t give you a life- controlling hands of fate find all that lost time. Might Peter Parker (nor do you altering disease. T h a t and say- no mas! “Bisexuality” from Page 2... I suggest a Delorean? possess spider-esque said, keep an open mind. Whatever, man- it’s your abilities), but that don’t funeral. bisexuals, people who are truly attracted to both TAURUS (April 20- mean you can’t go crazy SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov May20) Now is the perfect with what you got. 21) There was once a AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb males and females, sexually and emotionally. time for you to relieve your time when I was a young 1 8 ) Have you always Frida Kahlo, Walt Whitman, Janis Joplin were all mind of all its accumulated LEO (July 23-Aug 22) lass and my brother and I wanted to be the person garbage. If those yoga and Your journey this week is would play a game we whose life is changed for- bisexuals. If some of the world’s most creative tai chi classes don’t strike not one you can do alone. invented call Squish ever after a series of rou- your fancy, there is always Enlist help in the quirkiest Squash. Later I learned tine-breaking events? geniuses swung both ways, why the hatred? I’ve the possibility of a good of colleagues. But not too that this was in fact just Follow suit of your favorite heard bi’s referred to as “fakers,” “greedy,” “lone- old fashioned swirly. Gets quirky. The last thing you like Sumo wrestling. such themed indie movies the waste out of your mind need to deal with is a con- Imagine the disappoint- (and there are a lot of ly,” “bored,” “horny,” etc. I’ve heard of lesbians and back out onto it. trol freak. But hey, you can ment. This story is an apt them) and break free from always have someone metaphor for your week, all soul-sucking routines in that refuse to date bisexuals--which is gay preju- GEMINI (May 21-June 20) deal with them too. The Scorpio. your life. Shaggy hair not For all those crazy things campus population is at necessary. dice, in my opinion; and in a community that you’ve ever wanted to be your disposal! S A G I T TARIUS (Nov 22- already suffers so much, should there really be as a kid, you now have the Dec 21) With up-wards of PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20) astrological green light to VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22) 4,000 students at Celebrities, while often schisms over a label? Instead of rebuffing some- make it happen. But first The time has come that Purchase, your social net- ridiculous parodies of real you must consider- just you flip a great big bird to work is in need of a seri- humans, will make a fine one over how they are forced to label them- how are you going to look all trivial and superficial ous overhaul. Your small stimulus for incorporating selves, why not get to actually know the person in those leather chaps? aspects plaguing your life circle of friends will soon a more fantastical spin on And you know, one little and hone in on your real bore you if you don’t exert your love life. An ability to before you think about dating them? pinhole in that suit and calling. That means no yourself and dip into a cry on cue and take direc- you’re sucked out like a more Laguna Beach- it’s deeper well of individuals. tion well with a keen fash- As Dan Comstock, a former Purchase student noodle into the vacuous all about the Real World! Just watch out for that ion sense is all you need said, “Sexual orientation is a pretty complex space that is the universe. Don’t give up hope; one creepy chick from T h e on your arm in the coming You’ve been forewarned. day you’ll get a call. Ring. weeks, Pisces. Who thing. It's not like you're either (a) Straight, (b) knows, you might even CANCER (June 21-July LIBRA (Sept 23- Oct 22) CAPRICORN(Dec 22-Jan make a sidebar on your Gay, or (c) 50/50. Everyone falls somewhere on 21) Willpower is a great Just because something is 19) Whether you consider beau’s A&E Biography. thing. Fortunately for you, oozing puss and reeking yourself a religious/spiritu- a continuum, and its not like they're locked into Cancer, this week every- of cat piss doesn’t neces- al person or not, karma that position on the continuum for all time.”

[email protected] ✪ IN CALAMA IN THE DESERT OF CHILE, IT HAS NEVER RAINED ✪ [email protected] I n d Teh e pP u rec h ans e d e n t

ya BALLS is gross! Sex during IronChef = Panton? More like Pant-off!! YA balls is gross! no reverse cowgirl. Spice that, Pirat e! NO, NO PEPINO.., ya balls IS gross! BEHAVE SHITFACE OKAY? ya balls is GROSS for the These people are driving me to HAPPY BIRFDAY. VAGINA!!! substance abuse... B L O O D M A N O R To the person who returned my More 542 W27TH ST “ H o w a r e y o u f e e l i n g ? ” Card, I got nothing but love for you. BETWEEN 10TH AND 11TH “ E h . . . H o w a r e Y O U f e e l i n g ? ” - J o s s i t y $ 20 TO GET IN YOUR SOUL TO GET OUT... “ E h . . . M a j o r E h . ” POOH. POOH. POOH. POOH ((HIGH FACE)) AMERICAN SHOCK THURSDAY, OCT. 13TH Far side gir ls bathr oom: Is it weir d Kelechi, please don't leave Purchase THE STUDENT CENTER that I can see your penis? because you'll break at least 101 heart s . GAMES, PRIZES, FREE FOOD, DANCE, AND LIVE MUSIC “How was she?” It’s like an orgy in my mouth and “Wild and free like the buffalo... all the condiments in the Hub are 8PM-1AM invited. MUSIC STARTS AT 8:30PM before the indians killed them all.” What s w ith tha t Kiss Kiss is the TRUE reason behind the Well excuse the crap outta me. J ohnny Gi ovanni g uy? termination of the "Fire Flies PTV monday 11:30 Official Rock 'N' Roll Orphan Program." Watching sitcoms has led me to God-damned Siberian baby thieves. believe that my life does not contain enough elaborate lies Ma g g ie g ot a bi g bo ot y ! WALKING INTO SOMEONE ELSES SUITE and schemes Aerosmith tix for sale BY MISTAKE IS ALWAYS AWESOME N o v. 10 I can’t believe you kicked e - m a i l thank you so much for returning my a fucking woodchuck! d c h i a r y n @ g m a i l . c o m if you’re interested quilts! Y o u a r e s o go i n g t o h el l . <3 We have holes, and we derive pleasure ALLOW IT! Rule C-732.7 of The Dragon-code Handbook: from sticking things in them - Stein When it rains you MUST eat pancakes (one So I start out again with a for every gnome you kill) We understand that you want your quotes smile on my face, trying on the backpage, but please refrain fro m pulling paintchips off of the wall! to hide the empty inside I WANT MY MTV!!! Plato was fucking high T w o g i r l s : "The time to make up your mind about people is never." - K. Marie “ S o m e t i m e s y o u a c t l i k e a m a n . ” Outdoor Games Club General Interest Meeting “ I d o n o t , s o m e t i m e s I a c t l i k e a MY PENIS IS EXACTLY h u m a n b e i n g . ” THIS BIG (to scale) Thurs. 10/13 8pm Student Center <------> All kickball crusaders should attend. Every Weds. 4-Square/Boxball 8pm in the Olde Oh, my God... I can't get out! Yea! Sex, booze, rock and rizy! handball court When you fart I fart we fart together. could taste your sweet kisses, your arms “ AY Y F U C K YOU BUDDY. ” open wide, this fever for you is just - L . A . love the ric... burning me up inside... love the svt... i drove all night to get to you, is that r u a gurel? love the dog... alright. i drove all night, crept in your love the man. room. woke you from your sleep, to “What’s so funny?” Taste the rainbow, Bitch! make love to you. “Nothing.” “I’m inquiring about the gang bang” “Did you just fart?” “Who’s being mean?” - Albee “You just farted.” “I dunno.”