Subtitling - Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same
THERAPIST 00:00:22 Tell me the entire dream from the beginning.
JANE I saw-
THERAPIST You saw a spaceship...
JANE Yes, and-
THERAPIST And a bright, bright light.
JANE And a note dropped out of the spaceship.
THERAPIST What did the note say?
JANE It said: "What are you doing later."
TITLE CARD: “CODEPENDENT LESBIAN SPACE ALIEN SEEKS SAME” 00:01:26
ALIEN NEWS ANCHOR 00:01:38 Welcome to PDQ Zots news tonight. You give us twenty-two minutes, we'll give you Zots. Sponsored by Ozaltine. Ozaltine… When the ozone is disappearing you need a delicious drink!
ALIEN REPORTER Please notify inhabitants regarding the ozone.
ALIEN SCIENTIST The ozone is disappearing. The planet is in great danger.
ALIEN REPORTER What is causing this attack on our ozone layer?
ALIEN SCIENTIST Big feelings.
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ALIEN REPORTER Explain.
ALIEN SCIENTIST Scientists have discovered that when an inhabitant loves too much, the feelings become so big the body can no longer contain them. The feelings then leave the body, rise up into the sky, and widen the hole in the ozone.
ALIEN REPORTER Frightening. And is love the only big feeling which causes this problem?
ALIEN SCIENTIST Yes. Hate and jealousy stay within the person and destroy them. Love transcends the person and destroys the ozone.
ALIEN REPORTER Any inhabitant experiencing big feelings must be reported.
THERAPIST 00:03:05 I think whatʼs happening here, Jane, is that you have a very rich fantasy life, which is a good thing. But your fantasy life revolves around images of special beings that just plop down into your life, which prevents you from taking those actions which would put you in positions where real people would be able to approach you. Do you know what Iʼm saying?
JANE I think so.
THERAPIST You do?
JANE Well I think so. Do you mean that I imagine that Iʼm making friends or something like that, when Iʼm not?
THERAPIST You saw a spaceship and it dropped a note out to you that said, “what are you doing later?”
JANE Well, yeah, on my way home from work, and I-I donʼt think I -I donʼt think I felt - I wasnʼt dreaming- Iʼm pretty sure I wasnʼt dreaming.
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THERAPIST I thought you said you had a dream.
JANE I thought-- It seems like a dream, doesnʼt it?
THERAPIST Yes. Do you think youʼre dreaming now?
JANE No.
THERAPIST Alright-
JANE I donʼt. Iʼm not-
THERAPIST -you know when youʼre awake and when youʼre asleep,
JANE -Ok
THERAPIST -thatʼs not the issue here.
JANE Ok. Right, this isnʼt a dream?
THERAPIST No.
JANE Ok. Ok. Like there was somebody…
THERAPIST What Iʼm saying is youʼre…what?
JANE Well there was somebody…
THERAPIST What?
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JANE There was somebody that came into the store the other day and, you know, I thought they were kind of cute and stuff, and um, I couldnʼt tell if they were flirting with me or not.
THERAPIST Uh-huh. Did you talk to them?
JANE I did. Um…
THERAPIST Did you flirt with them?
JANE No.
THERAPIST I see. Well what would happen if you did flirt with them?
JANE I donʼt know, I guess I couldʼve been more proactive and asked for her phone number…
THERAPIST(overlap) Whatʼs the worst thing that could happen?
JANE But I guess what I didnʼt do is put myself out there and ask for her phone number, because like Iʼll never see her again.
THERAPIST Right, right, and youʼll never know. Iʼll see you next week. And uh, keep away from the flying saucers until then.
CUSTOMER 00:05:56 Iʼd like to return something.
JANE Ok, do you have a receipt?
CUSTOMER
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This is garbage. The garbage is the receipt. Thank You.
JANE Um, excuse me sir, this is empty. I, thereʼs nothing- thereʼs nothing in it, I donʼt…did you really want to return something? Um, I think this was-- this is a pen box?
CUSTOMER Yes.
JANE Were you hoping to return the pen itself?
CUSTOMER I donʼt know.
DENNIS 00:06:38 So, um, how long have you been working with the agency?
ALEX Two and a half months...two and a half months.
DENNIS Two and a half months.
ALEX Yes.
DENNIS Did they mention anything to you about a rookie-training program?
ALEX Yes.
DENNIS They did. 'Cause this is no rookie training program.
ALEX They referred to it as...
DENNIS No, I know what they referred to it as. But, um, it's really not a rookie training program if the rookies get promoted past me every single time. You can tell them that, when you go back to talk to them.You can tell them that. Itʼs not really a rookie training program.
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ALEX Rookies come and train and get promoted. Thatʼs exactly what happens.
DENNIS But I stay here.
ALEX Right.
DENNIS I never see the promotion.
ALEX Well, youʼre the trainer.
DENNIS I'm not actually a trainer or teacher of any kind. I'm an agent. I'm an agent.
ALEX Well…
DENNIS I'm an agent, and the people that come to work with me in this “rookie training program,” they move on very quickly.
ALEX Well…
DENNIS And Iʼm aware of that, I work these operations…I work these surveillance operations, I work them for a really long time. Two and a half months? That's how long you've worked here?
ALEX How long have you been here?
DENNIS Twelve years.
ALEX Twelve years?
DENNIS Twelve years. Twelve long years. I have a very good record, too, by the way, for the most part.
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JANE 00:08:56 What are you making a copy of?
COUNSELOR 00:09:08 You were reported.
ZOINX Yes.
COUNSELOR And you yourself did not notice?
ZOINX What?
COUNSELOR That each time you cried it got warmer.
ZOINX No.
COUNSELOR We have a special program. Inhabitants such as yourself who have feelings that threaten the ozone are sent to the planet Earth. There you can get your heart broken so that you cannot love anymore. Then you may return, numbed and apathetic, no longer a threat to our ecosystem.
ZOINX Why would my heart become so broken on this planet Earth that I would no longer be able to love?
COUNSELOR It has something to do with the behavior of earthlings. Wouldnʼt you like to be relieved of your feelings?
ZOINX How do they know it will work?
COUNSELOR We have persons such as yourself there already, including two inhabitants from your sector. Our intelligence on their activities informs us that they are engaging in behavior that may lead to romantic liaisons even at this very moment.
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INTER-TITLE 00:10:57 ZYLAR STATUS: ON EARTH; DISPOSITION: SEXUALLY GENEROUS
ZYLAR 00:11:08 Hello Holly, thank you for the drinks. Holly that is such a pretty name, I could say it a million times: Hollyhollyhollyhollyhollyhollyhollyhollyhollyhollyhollyholly. I am having fun.
I am from the planet Zots. I am here on assignment to help save the ozone layer. Iʼm supposed to fall in love to help save the ozone layer because it is destroying my planet. I have been in a hundred different relationships, and none of them have been monogamous.
DATE 2 Now how did people react to having to share each other?
ZYLAR They didnʼt know. Hollyhollyhollyhollyhollyhollyhollyholly. What is this drink again?
DATE 3 You – itʼs…Itʼs a martini.
ZYLAR What does that mean?
DATE THREE Itʼs got a lot of alcohol in it. You just had three of them and you didnʼt know what it was?
ZYLAR I have no idea, what is alcohol? Thank you for this drink, I love it. I couldnʼt love it more.
INTER-TITLE 00:12:27 BARR STATUS: ON EARTH; DISPOSITION: CODEPENDENT
TINA Hi- Are You-?
BAR Codependent Lesbian Space Alien.
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TINA 00:12:38 Yeah, Hi! Ha, thatʼs a really great costume! I really liked your ad, it was really original.
BAR I myself am from Zots, a tiny planet oxy-parallel to the rings of Saturn. A planet faced with extinction if my job is not successfully completed. My job is to have my heart broken on the planet earth. My payment is that I will be allowed to return, Yet I have not been successful in interesting earth inhabitants. I have written over 2000 one-line love letters and scattered them about, but to no avail. I decided to seek out a fellow alien in the hopes she could advise me.
TINA Advise you…
BAR On…how to score.
TINA Uh, Iʼm sorry, I thought this was a jokey personal ad; I didnʼt realize that this was like a whole role-playing scenario, and Iʼm just really not into that. I should go.
BAR Someone- are you- Excuse me- AAAH AAAH
COUNSELOR 00:13:46 Ready Zoinx?
ZOINX Ready, Counselor. What time is liftoff?
COUNSELOR Youʼre already flying, Zoinx! Take care!
INTER-TITLE 00:14:05 ZOINX STATUS: IN FLIGHT; DISPOSITION: UNCERTAIN
ZOINX 00:14:14 But I have an additional question. How will I find my way through earth customs and manners?
COUNSELOR Upon your arrival you will turn on a box. In this box you will find the emblems and signals of American culture. Remember, do not forget to turn on the box.
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DIANE SAWYER 00:15:02 And finally, that UFO sighting, which is causing so much clamor. Ron Clayborn tells us about it.
RON CLAYBORN For once the mysterious objects were not spotted in the darkened sky over some cornfield, but in the middle of the day over the largest city in the country. These things floated high above the Manhattan skyline, invisible to FAA radar. Whatever they were, they provoked intense curiosity, but no panic. The cityʼs help-line lit up with calls. Many people scoff at the notion, others are absolutely convinced:
PETER DAVENPORT That evidence strongly suggests that our planet is being visited routinely.
RON CLAYBORN Maybe, but it turns out not yesterday. Tonight we learned that a suburban elementary school was apparently behind it all. The unidentified flying objects? Wayward balloons bought to celebrate a teacherʼs engagement.
ANGELA FREEMAN And I was like, oh my god! Those are our balloons!
RON CLAYBORN Ron Clayborn, ABC news, New York.
JANE 00:16:39 Hi.
ZOINX Hi.
JANE Um- Can I, can I help you with anything?
ZOINX Yes.
JANE Ok.
ZOINX Ok.
JANE
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Um, do you, uh, are you –are you looking for anything, um, did you want to buy a pen, or something?
ZOINX Do you have a radio transmitter?
JANE No, Iʼm, I'm sorry. We donʼt have stuff like that. I mean You could go to an electronics store, or like Radio Shack, have you…? Thereʼs a Radio Shack…
ZOINX (alarmed) Radio Shack, Radio Shack. Is this not Radio Shack?
JANE No- it's not Radio Shack. Uh, itʼs a stationary store!
ZOINX What do you sell?
JANE We sell um, you know, like school supplies, toys, we have some toys, cards…
ZOINX May I have a Love card?
JANE Sure, ok. Any kind in particular? Uh- No? ok. Um, here, this is, this is a really lovely one. It -it costs two dollars. Great, thanks! Can I get you a receipt for that? Ok…
Movie voice- SICKLY Daughter 00:18:17 Mommy!
ZOINX Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
WOMAN #1 Could you keep it down up front?
MOVIE VOICE - DOCTOR More Oxygen.
ZOINX Ha. Ha. Ha.
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Ha. Ha. Ha.
ZOINX 00:19:21 What is this beverage?
JANE It's coffee.
ZOINX Is it a relaxant?
JANE No. Haven't you ever had coffee before?
ZOINX No.
JANE Really? Well, be careful-- Don't drink too much of it. It can make your heart beat all fast and your hands shake.
ZOINX Your hands are shaking already.
JANE Well they are!
ZOINX Is it permissible for me to touch you?
JANE Yes.
JANE Your hand is on my nose.
ZOINX Yes.
JANE How come?
ZOINX I am expressing my affection for you. Do you find that unpleasant?
JANE No- I just- I'm not exactly sure what to do.
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ZOINX This.
ZOINX I have never done that with someone so quickly!
JANE I've never done that with someone at all.
ZOINX Never? Astonishing. Why not?
JANE Why not? I don't think anyone has wanted to.
ZOINX We have had similar lives.
JANE Gosh, itʼs funny you should say that.
ZOINX Funny. Like the movie?
JANE No- I mean funny because I barely know anything about you. Whenever we spend time together you never really tell me about yourself. Like I don't even know where you're from.
ZOINX Where I am from.
JANE Yeah, where did you grow up?
ZOINX Not here.
JANE Well, I hope not. I'd be really upset to think that you've been here my whole life and it's taken me this long to meet you.
DENNIS 00:21:28 I've been with the agency as long as I've been married to Debbie, which is good for me because uh, every time I get my annual review I know it's time to buy an anniversary gift. That worked out pretty good…
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ALEX Youʼre married…?
DENNIS -For me.
ALEX Yes. You're- Youʼre married to Debbie?
DENNIS Oh yeah, yeah. It's the best part of my life.
ALEX And that's legal?
DENNIS Excuse me?
ALEX It's legal to do that? To get married?
DENNIS To get married? Sure it's legal.
ALEX Yes.
DENNIS Yeah It's legal to get married. She's a beautiful woman.
ALEX Debbie?
DENNIS Debbie. Debbie.
ALEX Is Debbie a transman?
DENNIS Excuse me?
ALEX Your wife.
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DENNIS What kind of question is that?
ALEX I'm wondering if your wife is a transman.
DENNIS You're wondering if my wife is a trans-man?
ALEX Yes, Debbie.
DENNIS I don't even know where you're coming from with that. S-she--
ALEX I'm coming from… asking you that question.
DENNIS Well, I've already told you no. But I still -- That's a very weird question to ask someone. I mean especially since we just started work together. But it's a very weird assumption to make. Are there very many trans-men in the world? You know what, I don't even know what that means.
ALEX And you've been married to Debbie for 12 years?
DENNIS What does that mean? Why would you ask me a question like that?
ALEX Yes.
DENNIS My wife is a woman. She's a woman.
ALEX Debbie?
DENNIS -Is a woman.
ALEX Yes.
DENNIS
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Um, are you married?
ALEX No.
DENNIS No.
ZYLAR 00:23:26 Hello, Selena. Hi, I was just thinking of you, why? Because Iʼm reading this sign, Our Treatment: Acne, Scars, Fungus, Wrinkles, Rosatia, Seboria, Pigmentation, Laser For Lifting, Stretch Marks, Laser Hair Removal, Laser For Nails Fungus, Massages, Facials, Skin Tag Removal…hello? Hello?
ZYLAR 00:23:53 This is Zylar. What am I doing? Iʼm giving my scarf a ride. Oh wait, hold on.
ZYLAR 00:24:10 Iʼm back. Ok, yes, I will meet you there.
ZYLAR 00:24:20 Greetings.
BARR Greetings.
ZYLAR Have you been successful in your assignment?
BARR No.
ZYLAR Neither have I.
BARR What can we do? We will never be allowed to return to our planet.
ZYLAR There is an alternate plan that the council prepared should the first one be unworkable. Our ship's computer contains a list of objects and occurrences that are inherently sad by construction. If we bombard ourselves with these images it is possible that cumulatively they could have the same devastating effect as the imprint and subsequent loss of a person.
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ZYLAR 00:25:05 What is it?
BARR A mass of water, shifting upon itself.
ZYLAR Hydrochloric overcrowding?
BARR They call it the ocean. Supposedly, it makes you reflect back unto yourself.
ZYLAR Why would that make us sad?
BARR It does for most earthlings. The ocean evokes sorrowful images for all earthlings except those in couples. They enjoy long walks by the ocean, even to the point of finding them perky. This is most probably because their awareness of their surroundings is occluded by their extreme focus on each other.
ZYLAR Oblivious. I can't believe I have been sent to this planet because of unwieldy emotions. I hold couples in such contempt that I have always remained on my own.
BARR The more alone you are in your feelings, the bigger they become.
ZYLAR 00:26:02 There must be something sadder than the ocean.
ZYLAR 00:26:17 (crying) This is truly sad!
BARR (crying) Yes!
ZYLAR (crying) The ocean does not compare to the poetic indifference of the revolving desert tray!
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ZYLAR (crying) I cannot believe the council did not see fit to include it on the list! Notice how the cheesecake comes towards us and then just as inexplicably goes away!
ZYLAR 00:26:46 There is a moment in each personʼs life when the cheesecake is right in front of them. Sometimes they don't realize how close it was until it begins to revolve away.
BARR Yes.
THERAPIST 00:27:15 And?
JANE Um, you know itʼs - It's um, itʼs going and uh, ah, you know I, I, I uh…
THERAPIST You what? Now where did you meet- what is her name?
JANE Zoinx.
THERAPIST Zoinx?
JANE Well, you know, at the store.
THERAPIST I'm happy for you. I think this is a step in the right direction. I would just like to caution you that- we tend - we tend to bring our old baggage into the apartments of new relationships.
JANE What do you mean?
THERAPIST Just that we tend to make each other up in these circumstances.
JANE I'm not making her up.
THERAPIST
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Of course not. I'm just saying that you don't know her that well yet. You need to get to know her better. Go out with her some more.
JANE What are you saying?
THERAPIST Oh, there's no need to get worried and serious. Just go out with her. Go out and have fun.
JANE 00:29:00 Hi Zoinx, I was afraid you wouldn't find it! Did you finish fixing your computer?
ZOINX No!
JANE Gee, that's too bad! May be you could pay someone to take a look at it!
ZOINX No!
JANE I know what you mean! My finances are pretty tight too! Hey, let's go downstairs! We can check our jackets!
ZYLAR 00:29:33 Iʼm looking for action.
BARTENDER What kind of action are you looking for?
ZYLAR Hot action. Hot action. Hot earthling on alien action.
JANE 00:29:55 I'm so glad you got here. I didn't have anyone to talk to. Everyone in this club is so unfriendly.
ZOINX 00:30:21 Would you like to dance?
JANE 00:30:26 Yes!
ZYLAR 00:32:17
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How did you find me?
BARR Intelligence on your activities. You departed before I awoke.
ZYLAR I am aware of that.
BARR Why.
ZYLAR Big feelings damage the ozone.
BARR We are not on our planet.
ZYLAR
We will be returning there.
BARR Yes but now we are here. Let us be here while we are here instead of being there.
ZYLAR We cannot return until our hearts are emptied.
BARR Then let us never return!
BARR 00:32:51 We could continue then without fear of reprisal.
ZYLAR And give up everything? Leave our home and our vocations and our living units and our compatriots? For big feelings? Besides, they would come looking for us. If the elders discover ever what transpired between us...
BARR The elders can perform intercourse on themselves!
ZYLAR To hear you speak this way!
BARR
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Why even would the council have to know?
ZYLAR They will know. They will know. They will know.
BARR I do not care! I do not care! For one evening you opened the foyer of your affections and bespoke emotion instead of regulation. Why cannot we continue?
ZYLAR I do not wish to continue. I do not share your feelings.
BARR Rorsarch! You touched my nose with such frequency that the skin began to peel!
ZYLAR It was the cheesecake. I was not fully cognizant of my actions. It manipulated my emotions.
BARR The cheesecake.
ZYLAR Yes.
BARR You believe it was the cheesecake.
ZYLAR To see it spinning away...filled me with love and needs that I temporarily attached to your person. I cannot be held responsible...I was under the influence of the creamy matter.
BARR I know that you are frightened. I know that big feelings created between us could affect the loss of your life such as it is known to you. But do not tell me it was the cheescake. Tell me it was me.
ZYLAR It was. We must never duplicate that evening. What is in the box?
BARR Cheesecake.
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ALEX 00:34:57 It's nice back here.
DENNIS It is.
ALEX Yeah.
DENNIS Yeah. I like to come back here alone, you know --
ALEX Yeah. Stretch out a little bit.
DENNIS Just to be alone, with my thoughts.
ALEX Stretch your feet out. It's nice. It's also the tinted windows. They're not, they're not tinted up there.
DENNIS Yeah. It helps you relax.
ALEX Yeah.
DENNIS And it's good to be alone with your thoughts here.
ALEX Back here.
DENNIS Yeah.
ALEX I can imagine. This is nice.
DENNIS You know, when I'm sitting in the front, with you, I kind of feel like your thoughts.
ALEX Right. Here you get a little more space.
DENNIS
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Yeah. Definitely.
ALEX It's nice. Kinda probably slows down the response time a little bit though. Getting all the way up front.
DENNIS It does. Yeah.
ALEX Do you usually climb through? Or go out the back? You don't want to go out the door?
DENNIS (nods) No. I do. I like to go out the door. I get some fresh air...
ALEX But that exposes you…doesn't it?
DENNIS I don't find that. I don't find that --
ALEX -- Going outside doesn't expose you?
DENNIS I wouldn't do that if the subject was in -was in view.
ALEX Okay.
DENNIS -- For the most part.
ALEX So --
DENNIS -- I mean. Sometimes accidentally…
ALEX (raises his hand) If you need to go out front, you make sure that the subject has already gone quite a distance away, potentially to the point that you can no longer find him or her and then you go outside where you potentially expose yourself if they turn around, and then you position yourself. That's your method?
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DENNIS Well --
ALEX -- You see the limitations of that approach?
DENNIS I do. But working as a team I would, like, hope that you would be in the front seat.
ALEX Okay.
DENNIS And you know, the car would be started. It only takes like 3 seconds really --
ALEX Okay --
DENNIS -- to get out, close the door, open the door, get in, and go.
ALEX It's not the time that I'm mostly concerned with, it's the exposure. The potential exposure.
DENNIS Okay. Well, Iʼm -I'm going to think about that, okay?
ALEX Yeah. Now or later? I think you should think about it now.
DENNIS No, I'm gonna think about it now. It might be easier if I was... Alone.
ALEX Yeah.
ALEX OK. Well, I'll be quiet, if you need to think about it.
DENNIS OK.
DENNIS 00:37:05 So have you ever done surveillance on a subject before?
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ALEX No.
DENNIS Well where did you work at before, then?
ALEX Before I came to work with the agency?
DENNIS Yeah.
ALEX I worked uh-- in real estate.
DENNIS In real estate? Thatʼs a really weird jump. Really? I donʼt think so. Our job is to get as much information as possible from any potential or alleged encounters. And also another part of our job is to make sure we donʼt ignite a panic in our country.
DENNIS By confusing, by confusing our citizens. We get them to believe that what they did see, they didnʼt see.
ALEX I wouldnʼt use the word confuse, I wouldnʼt use the phrase cover-up. Weʼre trying to discreetly handle very sensitive information, whilst being responsible to the stability and the future of our very fragile nation.
DENNIS Yes. Yes, but we also convince citizens that they didnʼt see what they have seen.
ALEX No, uh, we take their infor…
DENNIS Thatʼs part and parcel of what we do.
ALEX No we donʼt-- we donʼt tell them that they didnʼt see something, we take their information and we contextualize it for them. Thereʼs a very big difference.
ZYLAR 00:38:27
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I am Zylar. Welcome to my first vlog. You are very lucky to be witnessing the first vlog of the sexiest alien on the planet earth. I am the sexiest alien. I come from the planet Zots, I have no hair on my head, but the pavement matches the concrete. I have many qualities that are out of this world, one is: I like to ride the bus. Number two is: I like to explore interesting places. Number three is: I like to go dancing in my do-rag. I like to patronize local establishments. There is somebody out there for everyone. Speaking of which, ladies, I would love it if you would email me; I look forward to hearing your letters and especially seeing those pics. Send as many pics as possible, full length and headshot, even videos of you dancing. I love a good dancer.
JANE 00:39:56 Hi.
DENNIS Weʼre looking at the pens.
JANE Ok.
DENNIS 00:40:33 Did I tell you that Debbieʼs father is a Dentist?
ALEX No.
DENNIS He is, and itʼs really a great benefit. Because uh-- I donʼt know if youʼve tried to use your dental insurance yet, but um, a lot of dentists in the city donʼt take our policy, and it really costs a lot, um, so you may want to try him out..Oh!
ALEX That was --unexpected.
DENNIS Iʼve never seen one before.
ALEX Youʼve never seen an alien before?
DENNIS
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No.
ALEX Never?
DENNIS No.
ALEX. Youʼve been on the force for twelve years; youʼve never seen one?
DENNIS …No?
ALEX In twelve years?
DENNIS In twelve years.
ALEX I’m gonna –I’m gonna go talk to her.
DENNIS No.
ALEX What do you mean no? That’s exactly what protocol says. “In the unusual instance of witnessing an alien, do your best to enter pursuit, apprehend and interrogate.” That’s what it says in the manual.
DENNIS Well, if you think it’s OK.
ALEX Well, it’s what the manual says. It’s not what I think.
ZOINX 00:42:31 Who is this? Oh Marilyn, how are you? You have been calling a lot recently.
Hello? Hello this is Zylar. How are you today. Yes, I can explain about that.
Hello Francine, where are you? Nah, that’s too far away.
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Hello? Yes, but do you want me to want to see you or do you want to make me see you? I saw you yesterday; I saw you yesterday. I will repeat, I saw you yesterday. This is Cathy right? Ok, I thought so, you don’t have to yell.
Hello? No, I can’t –I can’t come for Easter. I know I said I would meet your family, but I did not think we’d be going out that long. I’m just being –I’m just being honest - do you want me to lie to you? Ok, Ok I’ll lie to you. I want to meet your family, but I need to get an operation.
I am back again, I can’t stay away.
DENNIS 00:43:51 Can I ask you a question?
ALEX Mm-hm.
DENNIS Do the aliens all look alike to you?
ALEX Do the aliens all look alike to me?
DENNIS So they donʼt all look alike to you.
ALEX No, they donʼt all look alike to me. You canʼt tell the difference from one alien to another alien?
Letʼs go, we gotta follow her.
ZOINX 00:44:14 What is the name again of this island?
JANE Coney.
ZOINX Coney. Coney Island. Coney Island. Coney Island.
JANE You repeat stuff a lot.
ZOINX I repeat stuff a lot. I repeat stuff a lot. I repeat-
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JANE Why do you do that?
ZOINX To Re-mem-ber.
(loud squawking sound)
JANE 00:44:44 Itʼs a bird, itʼs a seagull.
ZOINX Oh, a bird.
JANE Did that frighten you?
ZOINX I am easily frightened.
JANE You? I don't think so. You're the bravest person I know. The way you… just express whatever you feel- like when we were at the movies and you didn't stop laughing even though people were throwing popcorn buckets at your head- and when we were at that club and even though everyone else was staring at us you got up and started dancing- and when you cried when they were picking the winning lotto numbers on TV-
ZOINX
They left the other numbers inside that cage- they would not let them out-
JANE I know- and you just express what you feel. I never- I am always so- worried and self-conscious. I always stop myself from saying things.
ZOINX To me-ever?
JANE What?
ZOINX Have you stopped yourself.
JANE
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Well, sure. I'm sure on one or two occasions I've stopped myself.
ZOINX Why?
JANE I don't know. I guess because I thought what I was feeling was too- too-
ZOINX Big.
JANE Yeah, too big.
ZOINX -too big.
JANE yeah.
JANE 00:46:31 Are you having a good time?
ZOINX Yes!
JANE Oh, well, I wasn't sure.
ZOINX I enjoy always the time I spend with you.
JANE I just didn't know. You've been quiet a lot today.
ZOINX I have always been brief. When I was a juvenile I could be left in the hatching device for hours without making a sound.
JANE Me too! I mean, my mom used to leave me on the couch and I would just stay there for hours- she wouldn't even have to give me a toy or anything- I would just sit there until she came to get me.
ZOINX What did you think about?
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JANE I can't remember. I guess I mostly just waited.
ZOINX You waited.
JANE Yeah.
ZOINX So much our lives seems like waiting.
JANE But it doesn't anymore- does it?
ZOINX I wish we could stay. Here. Right here. Stay. Stay. And not move.
JANE We'd get awfully cold, then!
ZOINX Ha. Ha. Ha. Jane. You are funny.
JANE No one thinks so except for you.
DENNIS 00:47:40 What constitutes a lesbian date?
ALEX What-What do you mean?
DENNIS Like, how do you know youʼre just not two friends who went to the movies together? That didnʼt seem like much of a date to me.
ALEX What do you mean? Itʼs dinner and a movie, itʼs classic.
DENNIS That restaurant was not very nice.
ALEX
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Well you know, thereʼs- thereʼs economic factors that limit the choices two women can make when they go on a date.
BARR 00:48:14 Zylar, I…
ZYLAR Bar! Iʼm so excited youʼre here!
BARR I read your video vlog, I knew that you were here.
ZYLAR What did you think? I look good in video.
BARR What are you doing here with all these earthlings? I saw you. I saw you sitting at the bar. I saw you dancing and shaking your thing.
ZYLAR Oh baby, thereʼs enough of me to go around, baby. I got ten fingers. I got ten fingers and two feet.
BARR I canʼt be with you if youʼre going to be with earthlings on your online video.
ZYLAR But you know youʼre number one, I always go home to you.
BARR I canʼt do this, Zylar. I canʼt….
ZYLAR You can do it!
BARR No, I canʼt. I brought you cheesecake; I thought that was entertainment enough.
ZYLAR 00:49:01 Thank you.
BARR Thank you.
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ZYLAR Thank you.
BARR Thank you.
RESTAURANT OWNER Have a good night.
BOTH Thank you.
ZYLAR Thank you.
BARR Everythingʼs changed, I want to go back.
DENNIS 00:49:16 We threw a wedding like you would not believe. It was an ocean themed wedding. You know that Disney movie, “The Little Mermaid?” Our song was “Under the Sea.” We danced to that song, Under the Sea, we had a choreographer and everything. The wedding planner, boy, she never met a groom who was so into the decorations and the organizing and the details… and it was a costume wedding. Um, which really, is, is different. I think Itʼs catching on more now, but back then it was very different and uh, whenever I run into people who were, um, at the wedding, they always say, “Iʼll never forget, Iʼll never forget how you guys dressed like the little mermaid,” we both did, you know? We had like a, little mermaid costume matching thing going on, it was really wild, really wild.
ALEX 00:50:20 Shouldʼve had that for the kids at your wedding. Like, a little kiddie table, did you have a kidsʼ table?
DENNIS We didnʼt have children at our…
ALEX No, I understand you didnʼt have your own children…
DENNIS We didnʼt allow children to the wedding.
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ALEX Thatʼs a bit rude, isnʼt it?
DENNIS Well it was our day,
ALEX Well, yeah--
DENNIS --It was our day, we donʼt want-- children bring attention to themselves. They steal the glory.
ALEX Well, you couldʼve had a childrenʼs table in the corner, I donʼt think they would steal a lot of attention. People get to know each other. I think thatʼs a bit selfish, donʼt you think?
DENNIS Selfish? No.
ALEX You donʼt think itʼs selfish?
DENNIS No, not at all.
ALEX Really?
DENNIS No, no. To make sure all the guests had a great time?
ALEX Yeah.
DENNIS Yeah, we did, we made sure all the guests had a great time by not having children there.
ALEX By -by forcing 300 people to find babysitters? Thatʼs how you ensure they have a good time?
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DENNIS Not all 300 had children.
ALEX Well, however many, you know…
DENNIS It was a minor expense. I told you it was a costume wedding, right?
ALEX Mm-hmm, right.
DENNIS I mean, how many…
ALEX Because kids canʼt stand costumes.
JANE 00:51:35 Hi!
ZOINKS Hello.
JANE Would you like some soap?
ZOINKS No.
JANE Um, I was just gonna… wash my face.
ZOINKS Proceed.
JANE Would you like me to wash your back?
ZOINKS Yes.
JANE 00:52:08 Would you like me to wash under your collar?
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ZOINKS No! No! No!
JANE Um, ok. Ok. Would you like to rinse off?
ZOINKS Yes.
JANE 00:53:06 How about -how about this, how about we could go swimming in the summer at the beach.
ZOINKS This summer?
JANE The beach would be perfect for you; you just have to watch out for the syringes. Are you ready to go?
ZOINKS Yes.
JANE May I help you with your chair?
ZOINKS No.
JANE Ok, hey, letʼs go get some ice cream!
ZOINKS I would like that.
DENNIS 00:53:39 Look at this.
ALEX Sheʼs- Sheʼs walking her to work.
DENNIS
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But the two of them are just so public. This is going to be really hard to cover up if they start doing this. If they start dating women and then walking them to work and going places with them? Thatʼll be really hard to cover up.
ALEX Well you know, you know we have our methods, you know? When there was a UFO over Chelsea and everyone started to, the civilians started to see it, we launched those engagement party balloons, remember?
DENNIS Right!
ALEX What was the content of those?
DENNIS It said “congratulations Evelyn.”
ALEX “Congratulations Evelyn,” yeah.
DENNIS But thatʼs what Iʼm saying, that works really well.
ALEX Right.
DENNIS Engagement stories work really well to cover up alien visitations. I just donʼt see how weʼre going to cover this one up.
HOST 00:54:35 Hello and Welcome to Studs! The game show that brings harems to primetime! Now, Let's welcome our three luscious ladies this evening: Roz, Cyndi and Zylar! Hello, ladies!
ROZ & CYNDI Hi Bill!
ZYLAR Hi Bill.
HOST That's a very unique name you have there Zylar! It makes me think of the sound of someone's bra popping open!
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AUDIENCE ha ha ha ha ha.
ZYLAR How is that funny?
AUDIENCE Ha ha ha ha
HOST Now! Let's get the game rolling. Meet our two young studs: Fred and Jachimo!
FRED Hi, Bill.
JACHIMO Hey Bill.
HOST Now you two studs know how to play. We have a series of questions that we've already asked the "ladies" so you just have to match the answer with the girl! Jachimo!
JACHIMO Yes, Bill?
HOST We asked our three young ladies what it was like to kiss you. Who said: "He tasted like Chili con Carne" Who said: "Pancho Villa has returned" And our third answer: "It was pleasurable, but I wish he was a woman"
JACHIMO 00:55:51 "He tasted like Chili con Carne" must have been Cyndi because we went to a Mexican Restaurant to eat.
HOST Is that right, Cyndi?
CYNDI That's right Bill!
JACHIMO And the Pancho Villa answer, that must have been Roz because during dinner she referred to several different members of my family as "Pancho Villa types".
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ROZ He's right Bill.
HOST And that must leave our third answer to Zylar. Zylar, how could you say such a thing?
ZYLAR Zoinx! Intelligence on your activities has informed us that you never miss this program! We were unable to contact you otherwise! We know that your ship has a malfunction and you have been ordered by central command to return with us to our planet! Our spaceship will be leaving next Tuesday at midnight from the designated launching place!
HOST …O-kay! Next we asked what it was like to kiss our other contestant, and I think you're going to find these answers pret-ty interesting.
JANE 00:57:10 Hey Zoinx! Hey, hey, youʼre sitting in the dark! Hey listen, I got off from work early today, so I was thinking we could do something tonight like um, maybe we could go see a movie or something? Or -or -or I could totally make us something for dinner, I would love to do that--I mean maybe we could do that instead! Oh also, you know what? I got you something today. I got –I got you something today. This is for you, this is- this is- this is a gift.
They uh, they didn't really have one with your name on it at the store, so, so, so I got one that said "Zoey," and I painted over the rest of the letters. Do you like it? Iʼm gonna put away the frozen yogurt.
MOVIE VOICE – SCIENTIST 1 00:58:18 Sheʼll live and Iʼll get her another body. I could make her complete again.
MOVIE VOICE – SCIENTIST 2 Only a madman could believe that she could ever be like before.
MOVIE VOICE – SCIENTIST 1 Donʼt argue with me. I love her too much to let her stay like this. Iʼll restore it, youʼll see!
ALEX 00:59:00 Alright, so I know you asked for sugar…
DENNIS Yeah, two sugars.
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ALEX Right.
DENNIS Thank you.
ALEX Um, right, this is actually - I actually didnʼt put any sugars in because I thought that donuts have so much sugar in them that you know, you canʼt even taste it.
DENNIS Did you get some on the side?
ALEX Well no, thereʼs so much sugar in the donuts, I donʼt think you need any sugar at all. You know how when you do that, when you eat so much sugar, you canʼt even taste the sugar?
DENNIS I know what coffee and donuts taste like together, so I like two sugars plus the sugar in the donut. Thatʼs really not a factor for me.
ALEX Well I think youʼre doing it because itʼs familiar but you canʼt actually taste it, if you think about it. I donʼt know, thatʼs just my opinion. Take a look at these donuts.
I asked the woman, I asked her for the Boston Cream - itʼs my favorite.
…You donʼt like Boston Cream?
DENNIS Iʼm not comfortable…with Boston Cream donuts. The way the cream… itʼs just a lump in the middle there.
ALEX Youʼre uncomfortable with it?
DENNIS You bite in it, and the cream… it just comes like, shooting on your face.
ALEX But you donʼt take a huge, aggressive bite; you nibble and let the cream come to you.
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DENNIS Iʼve never had that experience.
ALEX Itʼs exactly like a jelly donut.
DENNIS No, itʼs not.
ALEX Itʼs exactly like a jelly donut.
DENNIS No.
ALEX The exact structure is- is identical.
ALEX The jelly donut- it usually spits out the back of the donut.
ALEX …That sounds even worse.
DENNIS No, because I donʼt like it coming at my face when the cream comes out.
ALEX So youʼd rather it… come out the back?
DENNIS I just put a napkin there. When I eat a jelly donut, I use a napkin.
ALEX If youʼre buying a jelly donut, and all of it is coming out the back, why not ask for a regular donut and have that, rather than pay extra for the jelly? You ever think about that?
DENNIS I donʼt have a problem with the jelly donuts. I have a problem with the Boston Cream. If you like it, itʼs fine.
JANE 01:00:58
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Hey, Zoinx! Hi.
JANE Hey you know what? I had, uh, I had this really crazy day at work today. They had a new shipment of Thanksgiving cards come in, and they were nine months early! So I had to take all these boxes down to the basement, but I could do it, (ERRR). They were like heavy, but I- I did it! And you know what? The copy machine broke, and guess who had to fix it? Me. And then, do you know what? We ran out of change, and guess who had to go out and get some more change?
ZOINX Jane. I have been informed that I must leave.
JANE Why?
ZOINX The life I told you about was not mine.
JANE Well..then..what is it--
ZOINX I am a space alien.
JANE A..?
ZOINX Space alien. An alien, from another planet. Forgive me for not telling you sooner. I was apprehensive that such a revelation would cause your affections to cease and desist.
JANE No.
ZOINX The other scenario that occurred to my mental vision was that you would find the fact of my alien-ness too difficult to believe.
JANE No. no. I believe in that stuff.
ZOINX
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What are the thoughts and images that are running through your person? You are uncharacteristically silent.
JANE It's just...I thought that...no one I've had feelings for has ever returned them. I should have known you were from outer space, and I did wonder about the gills. So are they going to beam you up or something?
ZOINX No. I will have to take the 'F' train and then a bus to the designated launching place.
JANE And then you're going to..?
ZOINX My planet.
JANE Where is it?
ZOINX Come to the window. I will show you.
ZOINX There.
JANE I can't see it.
ZOINX There.
DENNIS 01:03:37 I find that guys from the city do better at this job than guys from out of town. Where are you from?
ALEX Cleveland.
DENNIS 01:03:55 What just happened?
ALEX What?
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DENNIS You were just shimmering all over.
ALEX No I wasnʼt.
DENNIS Yeah, there were shimmering lights all over you, like you were dematerializing.
ALEX I wasnʼt dematerializing. There were no lights over me.
DENNIS You didnʼt see any lights?
ALEX I didnʼt see any lights because there were no lights.
DENNIS You didnʼt feel anything? Like electricity?
ALEX No, I didnʼt feel anything unusual.
DENNIS There was like, photonic activity all over you.
ALEX There was no unusual photonic activity.
DENNIS There was.
ALEX No there wasnʼt.
DENNIS I just saw it.
ALEX No, you didnʼt. You think you saw it, but you didnʼt really see it.
ALEX 01:04:58 I think weʼre getting a little too close to the subject.
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She looks really sad today.
DENNIS I donʼt know why she works in that store.
JANE 01:05:17 Hi, may I help you with that?
CUSTOMER 1 The only per -person I ever let help me was my wife. Sheʼs gone.
DENNIS 01:06:01 And this has been a long stakeout. Iʼve never been on a stakeout this long before. I forgot how much work it is. Iʼve been in this agency twelve years, and Iʼve never known the location of alien egress. Itʼs like itʼs hidden from us every time. Is that her?
DENNIS 01:06:32 Youʼre turning the wrong way.
ALEX Well I think the most important thing is for all of us to try. You know, for all of us to really put in an effort, and sometimes the results of these efforts donʼt always codify into success. But as long as you try and can generally say that I learned something…
DENNIS Youʼre talking like itʼs an option not to catch up with her.
ALEX No, Iʼm saying, I think we should be constructive about this and take…
DENNIS Could you speed up please?
ALEX Iʼm going as fast as I can. The most important thing is that we learn something from this, thatʼs the most important thing. Thatʼs what every day provides to me, it provides a new opportunity, and thatʼs a blessing. That sometimes you can forget- you can lose perspective on that blessing and you need to sort of remember the minutia of a specific, microscopic struggle.
DENNIS
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I donʼt know what the fuck youʼre talking about! I want to follow this woman to the spaceship!
DENNIS 01:07:38 Can you open the door, please? The door is locked, Iʼd like to get out. Open the Goddamn door.
ALEX Itʼs got a child…(-proof lock)
DENNIS(overlapping) It doesnʼt have a child! Come on!
DENNIS 01:08:38 This is all your fault!
ALEX Stop!
DENNIS What are you waiting for? We blew it.
ALEX Well, weʼll get on the next train.
DENNIS For what?
ALEX Well, so we can follow her. At least weʼll be a step behind her.
DENNIS We donʼt even know where sheʼs going to get off.
ZYLAR 01:09:18 Zoinx! I am relieved at your arrival. Now we may return to our planet as we have been ordered.
ZOINX How is this possible?
ZYLAR As it was recently discovered, it is not emotions that are destroying the ozone layer, but rather the sun, as it is reflected on our shiny bald pates. As long as all citizens wear hats from now on, the widening will be retarded.
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ZOINX Then, this voyage was in error?
ZYLAR Yes. And I am sure that you like myself regret the entire occurrence.
ZYLAR 01:09:49 Perhaps not the entire occurrence. Activate the take off!
BARR Zylar! I am picking up a panting mass on the sonar corpus areal detection screen!
JANE
Hey Zoinx.
ZYLAR Who is she? She should not be here!
ZOINX This spaceship is leaving, Jane. We are going a million miles away.
JANE Let me come with you.
ZYLAR (To Bar) Deactivate the take off command! Hurry! Before the system is channeled through the locking device!
BARR I cannot! The ship will explode!
ZYLAR She must get off! Quickly, while it is still possible!
ZOINX No! We share big feelings! We should not separate!
ZYLAR But she will be rejected on our planet! She will be a freak! An Oddity!
JANE If it makes any difference, I never did that well here.
BARR The countdown process is entering its' final stages!
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ZYLAR (to Jane) This is your last chance! You'll find someone else on earth! No one is worth leaving your galaxy for!
JANE That's not true.
ZOINX The chance of this occurring mutually for beings such as Jane and I is as frequent as the rotation of Zactar!
ZYLAR Zactar rotates!
BARR Perhaps she meant Zacmar.
BARR We're taking off!
DENNIS 01:12:14 These relationships never last.
ALEX Between the aliens?
DENNIS No, between two women. They grow out of it.
ALEX I think it will work out for them. Todayʼs going to be my last day working with you.
DENNIS Did you get promoted?
ALEX No, Iʼm just leaving.
ALIEN ANNOUNCER 01:13:09 Welcome to PDQ Zots news tonight. The government has called back all those participants in the ozone containment program, including members of the safety patrol from neighborhood galaxies and closed the program for the time being. The government remains interested in obtaining data on the planet earth. Whether we travel to Earth again remains to be seen.
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THE END
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