That very reel thing Feeling the power Reviewing the London The twelve times world Film Festival champion who put darts on the board

EASY MONEYThe Independent Cambridge Student Newspaper since 1947 Major investigation into the city’s drug scene -The Big Issue sellers who deal drugs -Student purified street heroin in his bedroom -College porter involved in drugs and prostitution -Mitcham’s Corner, Drummer Street he and Mill Road Cemetery identified as he key pushing sites to Varsity profiles 5 central figures in the drugs community

Alex, early 20s, Ben, mid 20s, Zeeshan, 22, Tom, 20, Ellie, 18, waitress coffee shop academic researcher Cambridge student university student manager

student told a student identified as sites notorious include many of the city’s News Team reporter “Cambridge is one for buying Class A drugs. homeless, including those of the safest universities in Three of these are within 100 licensed to sell the Big Issue. arsity has run a major the country for the suppliers meters of student property. Even a college porter is Feature investigation into the to survive.” Another former During our investigation, alleged to be involved in a Vsale and exchange of student was surprised at undertaken over two weeks, web that extends beyond drugs in Cambridge. This how easily he could sell Varsity witnessed what the use and distribution of Poker fights and drug culture has no prevail- cocaine to Cambridge stu- appeared to be several drugs hard drugs to prostitution. ing pattern; like the dents: often up to half a transactions at Mitcham’s PC Phil Warren, who runs Wittgenstein: The secret University itself, it is ran- kilogram a week. Some drug corner and what appeared the city’s drug prevention dom and eccentric. Our dealers focus their efforts on to be the use of Class A drugs squad, confirmed “many Big history of Cambridge report finds that the drugs May Week. It is estimated in a public space, both Issue sellers have been taken most frequently by that students will pay before midnight and in areas arrested for selling drugs in students are marijuana and around £65 for a gram of clearly lit by streetlamps. the past.” Varsity was offered revealed cocaine, although all major cocaine, compared to a Several students have inti- “any weight of anything you Class A drugs are believed to national average of £40. mated that a drugs ring is like” from the home of on >>page 9 be taken by students in They are likely to pay run out of a popular coffee Big Issue seller and cannabis alarming capacities and all around £25 for an eighth of shop in the centre of town. by another. The Police con- drugs of every nature are cannabis compared to an Varsity also found that sur- firmed that every major said to be easily obtainable average of £20 in other com- prising numbers of students type of narcotic drug was across the city. Established parable cities. The city cen- were venturing into the use obtainable in the city. “crack” and heroin markets tre area around Drummer of ‘crack’ cocaine and hero- Cambridge students ques- exist in the city and many Street, the Arbury and in. They form a strong net- tioned in the investigation diverse groups are involved King’s Head estates, work that incorporates have often found the local in the organised distribution Mitcham’s Corner and the London dealers, local deal- 'street heroin' they buy... of these drugs. One former Mill Road Cemetery are ers and 'runners', said to >>continued on page 4

www.varsity.co.uk No. 627, Friday November 11, 2005 Bel Mooney features >8 Ego Mania Arts >16 Robots >10 2 Varsity News 11.11.05 MICHAEL news in brief Extremism motion DERRINGER

their views to students. Intellectual Property Will Smith The proposal was met with crit- war continues icism from several members of the The Graduate Union has A CUSU Open Meeting this week audience, who thought the come down very firmly on failed to push through a “No motion would jeapordise free- the side of the University on Platform Policy” for extremist speech within the university, and the issue of intellectual groups, which would have pre- deny students the opportunity to property. Alex Broadbent vented them from making speech- challenge and discredit extremist (GU President) and Ruth es in the university. views through intelligent debate. Keeling (University Council The motion, brought by mem- But Shreya Mukund, the CUSU Librarians at the UL fear they could fall foul of terror legislation Member and former GU bers of CUSU, was initially passed Black Students Officer, questioned President) have co-authored with a clear majority, but could the importance of preserving free- a student flysheet urging the not be made official CUSU legisla- dom of speech when the “welfare Academic freedom threatened Regent House to adopt the tion as attendance at the meeting and security of students” was at Council's policy. was too low. However, it is set to risk. selling or otherwise disseminating anxieties: “As an academic and the be proposed to a CUSU meeting The majority of extremist Rachel Divall terrorist publications”, may make MP for a university town I am also A Midsummer Chef’s next week as an emergency meas- groups targeted by the motion are librarians liable; and Clause 6, concerned about the Bill’s implica- Dream ure. known to have been active on UK Academic freedom could be at risk which creates a new offence of tions for universities and academ- Midsummer House, the The aims of the resolve had campuses, and Jessica Kosmin if the Government’s controversial “providing training in skills rele- ic research. By pushing through French Mediterranean been to adopt a policy whereby from the National Union of Terrorism Bill is passed. vant to terrorist activity”, UUK feel such an unnecessarily wide and restaurant on Midsummer CUSU would “campaign against Students spoke of her personal Universities are concerned that is “unacceptably wide”. illiberal bill, the Government is Common, has been voted the attempts by any organisation experiences of Hizbt-ut-Tahrir and their staff could find themselves Higher Education Minister, Bill being complacent about political best restaurant outside of within the university to provide a Al-Muhajiroun intimidation, and liable under the proposed laws, Rammell, has told universities and academic freedom”. Cambridge in the Harpers platform to an individual or their attempts to recruit university which had their third reading in their fears are unfounded: The third reading of the Bill and Moët Awards 2005. organistaion deemed to pose a students. the Commons this week. Whilst “Academics have no need to be took place yesterday and although www.midsummerhouse.co.uk threat to the welfare and security The “No Platform” proposal fol- media attention has focused on concerned, the key proposal is the MP Alistair Carmichael brought of our members.” The agenda lowed an earlier motion at the the length of time terror suspects intention of the person who acts up the issue of academic freedom, Digital books notes of the meeting named the meeting that sought to give CUSU could be detained without charge, or by their statement seems to no alterations were made. A Press Microsoft has announced right-wing groups the BNP, the a united stance against the contin- there is growing concern from the incite others to commit acts of ter- Officer for David Howarth said the that it will help digitize National Front and Combat 18 ued occupation of Iraq. academic world about the wider rorism. I don’t think within that problem had been that “the 100,000 books for the British along with Islamic extremist The resolve, proposed by Dan effects of the Bill. context that there is anything Government had not allowed Library. The company says organisations such as Al- Swain of the Cambridge Professor Drummond Bone, legitimate academic freedom has enough time to discuss the Bill in that once particular techno- Muhajiroun and Hizb-ut-Tahrir as University Respect Party, was President of Universities UK to fear”. the report stage, so sections relat- logical developments are those they would ban. rejected by students. Members of (UUK), told Varsity that although Universities remain uncon- ing to academic freedom were not made, books and documents Jenni Woolf, the CUSU Anti- the audience criticised the motion the organisation supported the vinced. Peter Fox, Head Librarian reached within the time allowed will be available on the Racism Officer who proposed the as having “nothing to do with “general thrust” of the proposals, of Cambridge University Library, and the chance to debate was British Library’s website and motion, spoke of the need to pro- CUSU” and suggested CUSU “the Bill is drafted in such a way told Varsity the UUK’s fears were lost”. on an MSN book search tect students from speakers who “should have proper issues to do that it might well get in the way of legitimate: “The Bill has potential- Although UUK issued new service. The project has sought to incite hatred on the with Cambridge”. normal academic work. The loose ly very serious consequences for guidelines this week to universi- already been underway for grounds or religion, race or sexu- Swain told Varsity he was “dis- drafting of the Bill does cause us librarians. The University Library ties about how to tackle campus some time but Microsoft are ality, and stressed that students appointed” that the motion failed, concern”. is working with colleagues nation- extremism, university leaders are investing £1.4 million which should be able to study “free from but admitted that it was UUK are particularly anxious ally to lobby MPs and Peers to get concerned that the terror bill is will speed up the process fear”. “inevitable” that students would about three aspects of the Bill: this part of the Bill amended or likely to provoke the very “suspi- significantly. This leads The motion stated that not be united over the issue of Clause 1, which criminalises the removed”. cion and intolerance” the guide- Varsity to speculate on the “Cambridge is not immune from Iraq. Speculating on the reasons “encouragement” or “glorifica- MP David Howarth, who voted lines are designed to combat. future of the Cambridge racial and religious tensions” and why the motion was not accepted, tion” of terrorism, could cover aca- against proposals to allow police to libraries and the University several speakers warned of a like- Swain suggested that the turn-out demics lecturing on topics like the hold terror suspects without Library – might tomorrow’s ly rise in racial tensions if extrem- at the meeting was not high history of the Middle East; Clause charge for up to 90 days earlier www.parliament.uk Arts students never have to ist groups were able to put forward enough for him to gain victory. 2, which criminalises “lending, this week, explained his wider get out of bed at all? MIT / Cambridge £1.5 million grant Stab wound victim out of hospital Further Attacks Missing medical £2 billion Autism hormone link Cambridge University was granted an Julie Simpson, the Cambridge student Yet more attacks have been reported in A think tank report has stated that is not A team of scientists from award of £1.5 million by the Department who was violently attacked at Lucy recent weeks. A 27 year old woman clear where £2 billion of medical train- Cambridge Uniersity of Trade and Industry (DTI) to take for- Cavendish College on October 4, has was violently raped on the Leys Road ing funds has been spent. The Higher Psychiatry Department, led ward an existing collaboration with the been released from hospital. Simpson, on Monday October 31. A police inves- Education Policy Institute (HEPI) also by Professor Simon Baron- Massachussetts Institute of Technology 44, suffered serious stab wounds to the tigation is underway with no arrests to reports that the current system allows Cohen, last Friday reported (MIT) last week. It was one of four awards face, hand and body. It is thought she date. A graduate from Pembroke was particular universities to secure much new evidence suggesting given to research-intensive UK may be partially blinded as a result of followed along Sidgwick Avenue on greater funding from the regional NHS that people with autism have Universities. The new funding comes after the attacks. Simpson was in the final November 3 by a man on a bicycle who bodies than others. There is discrepancy an “extreme male brain”. a pilot scheme of Cambridge and MIT year of her history degree when the pestered her for her name, phone num- between University College London Puberty tends to come earli- working together on entrepreneurial attack occurred. She is hoped to return ber and other details - very much like (UCL) and St George’s Medical School in er in boys with autism, sup- skills, which proved a success. Cambridge next year. A college source says “Julie is an incident concerning another London: UCL spends nearly three times porting the idea that they are delighted to receive the money; keeping her sprits up” and keeping in Pembroke student at the beginning of as much per head than St George’s. have higher testosterone according to Professor Alison Richards, “it contact with friends via email. Alethea term. A Robinson female student was Oxford University has more than double levels which shape their will allow the further development of Foster, 61, an award-winning retired allegedly attacked on Sunday the number of staff than Liverpool and early brain development. It Cambridge Massachussetts’ (CMI’s) work podiatrist has been charged with November 4. The Senior Tutor told Var- other schools. Whilst the report admits is thought this may be what in designing education courses and curric- attempted murder. Her husband, John sity, “College is aware of an alleged inci- that the data is incomplete it states it is pushes the brain to develop ula that enhance knowledge, skills and Foster, is supporting her throughout the dent involving a Robinson student. This “undeniable” that it is “simply not possi- beyond that of a typical attitudes of the students who will become trial. An application for bail by Foster’s is, however, a college matter. It would ble at present for the Government to male. tomorrow’s innovators.” However, con- laywers was refused by magistrates. be inappropriate to take it further at know if it obtains value for the very sub- cerns over the issue of increasing commer- She is currently in custody awaiting her this time.” Students should also be stantial resources expended by medical Light Up Parker’s Piece cial exploitation of research have been next appearance at Cambridge Crown aware of a spate of drink spikings in schools.” On Thursday November 17 expressed. Court on Friday, December 16. colleges and town. a demonstration will be held to light up Parker’s Piece. Protestors are invit- >>page 19 ed to go and light up the parkland with torches and Halting the crime wave David candles. At the moment Parkers’ Piece has no street CUSU Welfare Officer Vicki Mann explains what students can do Attenborough lighting at all. The route across the Piece is common- The number of criminal incidents isn’t justified. Think about it: how valuables away, at least hide them journey in advance, sticking to on high art ly used by students. in Cambridge this term is unnerv- many porters are actually able to in a safe place. It's also worth get- well-lit areas wherever possible. ing,particularly as Cambridge was keep tabs on who goes in and out ting your electric items and bike Walk in a group, whether you're and populist recently voted one of the safest UK of the college? How many college coded, and making sure that you male or female and no matter how student towns, and we are not staircases actually have locks on have insurance! old or big you are. Carry a person- culture listen unintelligent people.So where are them? How many doors have you Personal safety is another issue al alarm and/or a small torch On a we going wrong? When it comes - yes, you - held open for a total that both men and women should night out, it's absolutely vital to to the issues of burglary and per- stranger this term? It really is that be aware of. Poor street lighting know your limits. Keep an eye on You can hear sonal attacks, I'm sure that easy to let a thief in. doesn't help matters, though your friends so you know you'll all increased awareness is the first Protecting yourself is fairly simple. many of us wouldn't think twice get home safely, and try to carry Varsity on the step to increased safety. To start with, don't give detailed about crossing Parkers Piece, Jesus some spare cash tocatch a cab radio on Students are targeted by burglars directions to strangers around col- Green and the like in the dark, home just in case. because of the number of expen- lege, and don't hold doors open. especially after a drink or two. I'm There really is no need to be fright- Mondays at sive items we have, and beacuse Lock your door behind you, even also willing to bet that we've all ened by the recent spate of crimes. 7pm. we allow ourselves to become vic- if it's the middle of the night and walked home alone on several I applaud Varsity for raising aware- tims. Most people know about the you're just going to the toilet or occasions when chasing/avoiding ness of this issue and hope that it CUR 1350 importance of locking bikes . Yet raiding the fridge. Once a thief is in a certain someone took prece- will encourage us all to pull our we are complacent about bed- your room, it doesn't take long to dence over finding your mates. socks up in order to push the room doors and windows. This strip it bare. If you can't lock your Be prepared. Always plan your crime rate down. our policy The VARSITY IS DEDICATED TO BRINGING YOU THE MOST RELEVANT AND INTRIGUING NEWS AS AND WHEN IT HAPPENS. Week In

THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN OUR CONTENT Weather ARE THOSE OF THE INDIVIDUAL CONTRIBU- FRI SAT SUN MON TUE WED THUR TORS, AND NOT NECESSARILY OF VARSITY PUB- LICATIONS LIMITED. 11.11.05 News Varsity 3 Drunk and disorderly face the consequences

I No dinner for innocent scholars I £500 damage fine for rugby boys

Mackay, banned from Scholars’ News Reporter Dinner, is a member of the Wyverns. He said, “I feel very let Two separate incidents of drunken down by college in not being rowdiness have resulted in severe allowed to attend Scholars’ penalties for students this week. Dinner, as I think that regardless of The Magdalene male drinking what happened at our dinner I still society, the Wyverns, invited 20 deserve to be rewarded for my First Year female students to their efforts.” annual “Gentlemen’s dinner” at In response the JCR President formal hall on Saturday October said, “It wasn’t the fellow’s [Dr 29. Among the guests were two Luckett’s] job to come over. If the ex-Wyverns, Will Smith and Head of Catering had bothered to James Moreton, alumni of the col- show up that evening none of this lege. would have happened. If only Allegedly, during the meal college made an effort to find out Smith became aggressive towards who we are! They just see us as one of the fellows, Dr Luckett, ‘the Wyverns’ not who we are and and swore at him. John Daley, what we do for the college.. I’m as President of the Wyverns told Var- proud to be a Wyvern as I am to be sity that “He [Smith] did every- JCR President”. thing. None of us did anything. He added, “Basically the col- This guy is an absolute prick and lege are up their own arses. The you can quote me on that.” Master supported us, it was the As a result all of the guests were Senior Tutor. He took it out on asked to leave hall. Subsequently, us.” the college authorities considered Smith and Moreton, the two banning the Society from formal non-college members, have been hall for the rest of the year. A banned from college for life. final decision has been made to Hanson complained “One’s got a ban the society for the remainder girlfriend here, one’s got a brother of term. here - they can’t come and see More controversially, the col- them.” Clockwise from top left: lege decided to ban all attendees, Hanson conceded, “I’m mak- Some of the accused Wyverns, James Mackay, Will even those who were not attend- ing no excuse for them. I’ve apol- Smith and Magdalene JCR President Rich Hanson; the ing the Gentlemen’s dinner, from ogised to everyone, it was an infamous Wyverns Garden Party; the Curry King, scene of another college rugby team’s toilet tomfoolery Formal Hall the following week. absolute disgrace. We’ve sent As a result, four scholars, some of Robyn flowers. We accept the whom were nothing to do with ban.” Daley was less repentant, after a night out at the Curry not wish to take the matter any reacted calmly: “We really want Guild, Senior Tutor of Robinson the Drinking Society were banned and asked Varsity, “Do you know King restaurant on Thursday further. students to have a good time College, who this week warned from their Scholars’ dinner, a spe- who the Wyverns are?... We do so November 3. After a college One culprit said: “We thought when they come here; we just undergraduates that “behaviour cial privilege given to those who much for this college! We make rugby dinner spiralled out of con- it’d be quite funny to get into the don't want this kind of thing in Formal Hall has been increas- obtain first class marks in their this college!” trol, the students attempted to loft. After my friend fell down I going on. There has to be a limit - ingly rowdy this term, and has Tripos examinations. Dr Luckett confirmed that he climb up into a loft from the bath- was stuck up there for five min- surely they can enjoy themselves not always been in keeping with These included Robyn Inglis was the presiding Fellow at Hall room, using a sink and a hand- utes – the sink had been smashed without causing damage to the what is, as the name suggest [sic], and Fon Gphu Tran. JCR on October 29 but would not dryer as footholds. One of the so I couldn’t get down.” restaurant?” He stressed that the a formal occasion.” Dr Guild stat- President Rich Hanson, and mem- make any further comment. The students fell, smashing the toilet Another member of the party incident was a one-off: “I really ed that all games, including pen- ber of the Wyverns said, “they’re Senior Tutor was unavailable and sink. admitted: “It was quite raucous – love students; this doesn't reflect nying, are banned and in the nice people, would never say boo when Varsity tried to contact him. Police were called, but were there’d been a lot of drinking and on everybody. It's just a small event of such activity “the stu- to a goose. It is really sad; they In an unrelated incident three told on their arrival that the stu- messing about... Everyone was minority giving the rest a bad dent or students will be required have banned four scholars, noth- students from another Cambridge dents had been very apologetic pretty drunk.” name”. to leave the Hall, either by a ing to do with the Wyverns from college ended up paying out £500 and had settled the bill on the Whilst unimpressed, the man- Another indication of student member of staff or the Duty Scholars’ dinner.” However, in damages for bathroom repair spot. The restaurant manager did ager of the Curry King, Ali Rana, misbehaviour came from Dr Tutor.” What a Cadaver! Smart speed “bumps” Shortage of bodies for medical students Cambridge scientists change shape of our roads

This problem comes at a time DUNLOP Steve Elliott when the number of medical Jamie Munk schools and postgraduate TMENT Cadavers have been described Anatomy departments is AR The familiar jolt of the speed as “silent teachers” on the route increasing year on year. bump could soon be a thing of to medical understanding, but Cambridge is entitled to bod- the past, thanks to new “intelli- the dissecting room could ies from the nine counties of gent” bumps developed in con- become even quieter in the East Anglia. Even then, med- ANATOMY DEP junction with Downing College. coming years as a nationwide ical considerations mean not The Dunlop Transcalm system shortage of people choosing to every body sees a student’s has been successfully tested in donate their bodies is becoming scalpel, as Dr. Robert Whitaker the City of London for the past a matter of concern at explains: “We are not allowed three years and is now being Cambridge. to take any bodies with nervous marketed to local authorities The Office of HM Inspector of disease or cancer, some are too both in Britain and Europe. Anatomy told Varsity that fat or too thin. We have to turn The new bumps, made of A Cambridge medical supervision “Cambridge like other medical away a significant proportion of rubber, use a valve system to schools in Great Britain has not, what we are given.” been taken at Cambridge. Dr. deflate when a car under the in recent years, received as Dr. Whitaker, the Assistant Whitaker asserted, “I don’t speed limit drives over them, many body donations as in the University Clinical Anatomist, think we would cut student and another valve for when past”. This could eventually maintains that students “can’t numbers due to not having emergency vehicles go past. cause a lack of resources for gain medical experience with- bodies,” although he did admit, Only cars driving too fast will medical students, who form the out handling soft tissue”, the “We are quite worried in the now experience the “bump” university's third biggest annu- opinion held by nearly all of long run.” which gives the much-loved al intake, behind Natural Britain’s medical schools. He The decline in numbers of road feature their name. The Sciences and Engineering. First added, “Some places are not people’s specific requests to inventor of the Transcalm year medics are currently gain- using bodies at all and are in my donate their bodies to medical bump, Graham Heeks, The new deflating speed bumps in action ing anatomical experience from opinion producing poorer peo- education has been partly described the system as a “car- first-hand dissection of pre- ple. We are very much against attributed to the Channel 4 TV rot and stick approach to traffic congestion resulting from year 500 people die due to served cadavers - at least 40 that here.” show “Anatomy for motorists”. While slow drivers having to slow down over the reduced response times, which bodies are needed for each The number of cadavers Beginners”, in which the are rewarded by a smooth bumps. This, he said, “leads to are largely due to speed bumps. year's dissection course, with received by the University has German scientist Gunther von drive, the jolt acts as a deterent greater pollution and noise”, a The “intelligent” bumps also another 10 used to prepare pro- been just sufficient for this Hagens carried out a dissection to those breaking the limit. particularly worry in residential provide great flexibility as they sections - demonstrations of year’s classes, while elsewhere in front of a live studio audi- Dr. Iain Dupere, the Downing areas where most of the bumps are fully adjustable, and can one part of the body which can institutions are beginning to ence. Anybody who wishes to engineer who worked on the are located. The new technolo- force vehicles to comply with be used to teach a whole class. suffer. In London, the Royal donate their body should con- project, told Varsity of the prob- gy will not only serve to pro- whatever limit is chosen. Although donations of organs College of Surgeons has been tact the Department of Health. lems caused by conventional vide a comfortable ride. Dunlop plans to install up to have increased in recent years, forced to cancel two postgradu- speed bumps. While citing the Dunlop claim that the 1000 Transcalm bumps by the only 670 bodies are donated ate courses for this academic “major problem for people with Transcalm bumps will save end of next year, signalling the each year across the UK, a drop year because of the lack of bod- back problems” of a bump’s jolt, lives. The London Ambulance end of the bump, providing one of 100 on recent years. ies, but such measures have not www.dh.gov.uk he also drew attention to the Survey estimates that every doesn't break the speed limit. 4 Varsity News 11.11.05 THE DEALERS O NE OF THE poor quality, “almost impossible” to take safely without some kind of purification, which he had to teach himself using the internet. He was once caught smoking heroin in his college JCR, but nothing was done about it “because that porter knows I got shit on him too”. SAFEST Zeeshan initially financed his drug habit by playing the stock market, but when that became too much work he turned to small time dealing amongst friends and UNIVERSITIES IN university students. Like other Cambridge dealers, he was just an opportunist financing his own habit, not interested in making any serious money out of it. THE COUNTRY FOR Zeeshan keeps his drug habit ZEESHAN “sustainable” using Subutex, which blocks some of the negative Zeeshan* is a chemical engineer- effects of heroin on the brain. He ing student of Arabic decent. He received a prescription for this on THE SUPPLIERS TO has been using heroin for four the NHS. years. He was first introduced to it Zeeshan is giving up heroin and via friends in his home country, drug dealing to concentrate on his where heroin is the “champagne degree. “It was just too much drug” among the young and maintenance… you have to be wealthy. When he came to checking yourself all the time, England he sourced heroin from looking after your finances, mak- friends in London, who in turn ing sure you are up to date with introduced him to local dealers in everything; you never have time SURVIVE Cambridge. Zeeshan found the to just stop. I couldn’t be bothered UK street heroin to be of very anymore.”

capital. I didn't ask any ques- tions." >>continued from the front page “it wouldn’t really solve any- Small and close-knit, the appear to be openly sold in Initially, the cocaine was to be of poor quality. The thing by busting a couple of non-student drug scene is gen- Cambridge is at locally organ- shipped over from Ireland. The police have confirmed it to be small time Cambridge or ARU erally kept very well concealed. ised “free” or “warehouse” par- smugglers would strap pack- particularly dangerous. One dealers. Students know that if Dealers don’t sell on the street ties. Usually between 30 and ages of cocaine to the under- student learned how to purify it all the drug dealers in the or “push”; they largely deal 500 people attend these; main- side of the cars in front of them in his college bedroom using whole of East Anglia got arrest- with people they know person- ly college age students, but also in the queue for the ferry, fol- instructions he found on the ed, someone could still bring ally. Most are opportunists after people up to age 65-70, and low them home and then Internet, and did so extensively them MDMA from quick, easy money, rather than teenagers as young as 13. uncover the packages in the and on a regular basis over his Cambridge also houses high- middle of the night. time here. Some students er-than-average numbers of Ben says, "I thought the studying scientific subjects have recovering drug addicts, and amount of cocaine [half a kilo] allegedly used their academic homeless “crack” cocaine and I got, would take me quite a knowledge to purify and then heroin users, many of whom while to shift. I was amazed use and distribute heroin. The STUDENTS KNOW THAT IF ALL THE live in homeless shelters on that it was gone within a police hold no records of having Victoria and Mill Road. week." After his initial success arrested any Cambridge “DRUG DEALERS IN THE WHOLE OF Other than the occasional Ben continued to sell cocaine University students for selling EAST ANGLIA GOT ARRESTED, overlap, restricted to individu- to Cambridge students for the drugs. SOMEONE COULD STILL BRING THEM als, these drug-using communi- BEN remainder of his time here. He On the whole, Cambridge ties don’t interact. The majority bough the cocaine for £22 a students are careful about MDMA FROM SOUTHAMPTON OR COKE of students bring drugs into gram and would sell it for £50. keeping their drug use ‘sustain- FROM LONDON OR ‘CRACK’ FROM Cambridge from home, and will Ben* is a Cambridge graduate. "Sometimes when I really able’. It is thought that around MANCHESTER. IT’S IN A WHOLE probably never speak to a local While he was here, he regular- needed the money I would 10 per cent of the student body dealer. Similarly, the local col- ly sold large quantities of charge up to £65 a gram. No uses cannabis either regularly DIFFERENT LEAGUE TO lege students source drugs from cocaine and ecstasy to the stu- one noticed how much I was or sporadically. Conscious of ANYTHING LOCAL. contacts they have made dents. He started dealing overcharging them." Ben knew their workload, students drug- through the warehouse parties, because he was short of money that he was suspected by mem- takers research their drugs, and will hardly have any con- and an opportunity opened up bers of the university faculty: making sure they take the tact with the “crack” and hero- to him via his then girlfriend. "They must have done. They appropriate medication (such as in addicts that frequent the Mill "Basically, some Irish guys my were always joking with me, Subutex for heroin users) and Southampton or ‘coke’ from career dealers. This, coupled Road area. girlfriend knew needed to get saying I would be CCTV'd if vitamin supplements to keep London or ‘crack’ from with differing tastes” between Each drug community is rid of a large amount of cocaine they had the choice...but as themselves in check. Despite Manchester. It’s in a whole dif- locals and students, (for exam- small, and looks after its own. pretty quickly. I needed the long as I stayed out of their the success of ongoing police ferent league to anything ple Cambridge students favour Ultimately, University drug money and a friend lent me the way, they stayed out of mine." investigations such as this sum- local.” One college porter said MDMA powder over pills, users comprise an eclectic mix mer’s ‘Operation Spinney’, the of drug-users in their college believing it to be purer), of Fellows, supervisors, stu- police seem to pay little atten- “we’re fully aware of what is explains why Cambridge stu- dents and University employees 1/8th, and that pays for your tion towards student drug deal- going on and recommend to dents are so disconnected from who use drugs in a variety of 1/8th. There's a lot more profit ers and users. According to one them that they stop what they the local drug scene. environments; private and pub- in pills (ecstasy), but much local barman and drug dealer are doing.” The only place that drugs lic, impromptu and organised. more risk as well. If you get caught with more than 10 it would be difficult to pass it off for personal use". Alex buys his “The Big Issue has a vendor Code Of Conduct which demands that no one ecstasy "wholesale", paying £70 for 100 tablets when buy- selling the magazine should be under the influence of drink or drugs, and no ing from suppliers outside of Cambridge. This can go up to one selling the magazine should indulge in criminal activity. The cost of £150 inside Cambridge and surrounding areas. Like many both is debadging. The Big Issue Foundation offers drugs rehabilitation other dealers in Cambridge, Alex only really sells drugs services to any homeless or vulnerably housed people who need it.” when he needs to; "I know that Lisa Woodman if I'm behind on my rent I can Publisher, The Big Issue easily make £600 profit selling ALEX pills at a warehouse party… most people around here aren't Alex* is in his early twenties. really in it for the money. At “Every college has an explicit policy in relation to drug use which is known He has been throwing "ware- the free (warehouse) parties, house parties" in Cambridge someone will be selling one to all, both staff and students. These policies all start from the basis that for three years, and is current- week and buying off someone ly being investigated by else the next". Alex makes sure having and using substances of this kind is illegal, unacceptable and is Cambridge Police for drug there are always at least four or dealing. He began selling mari- five people selling on the night incompatible with being a member of a college. There is close liason with juana to school friends at the of his parties but there are the police and anyone with any knowledge of any illegal activity should pass Perse Boys' School aged 13, often as many as twenty people moving on to ecstasy when he with ecstasy to sell. this onto the police.” went to college at 16: "After a "Occasionally people get bust- while it just becomes a lot sim- ed but it doesn't make much of Ray Jobling pler to sort mates out yourself. a difference. The upward chain Secretary to the Senior Tutors’ committee You might buy an ounce off a keep themselves very well con- dealer, make £2 profit off each cealed around here". 11.11.05 News Varsity 5 Heroin - £60 THE DEALERS The Facts Distribution I Street heroin costs about I It is estimated that 20-30 ed to bring drugs home for his £60 per gram tonnes are smuggled a year, friends to try, and when he real- I Heroin is a morphine only 2 tonnes of which are ized that there was local demand, derivative, which works by seized he started bringing back larger depressing the central I 87% is thought to come quantities from his university nervous system. it is from Afghanistan town. "It's great because where i particularly dangerous when I Most UK heroin passes am, stuff's so cheap. you get a used together with through processing labs in decent gram of MDMA for £20, stimulants like cocaine Turkey, Greece and Bulgaria pills for £1 or £2 each. Market I Usually diluted with other I Mainly imported through prices in Cambridge are a joke, so substances, varying from busy South East ports in I can make a decent profit without lactose to Paracetemol England, so traffiking is easy feeling like I'm ripping people off". I Can be smoked, snorted to disguise. Some comes to Tom sells drugs to finance his own injected or taken orally ports near Newmarket. habits, and to get some easy I Produces an immediate I Can be bought wholesale money for while he is away. "My "rush' of relaxation and well for £13000 a kg student loan goes straight on my being. Physical and I Readily available in accomodation, so if I want to have emotional pain are Cambridge, coming from any kind of a life I need to earn my completely removed secondary sources in own money." Tom sees his drug I Responsible for 1/5 of all Arbury, Newmarket and TOM dealing as a temporary solution to drug related deaths Felixstowe. Heroin- Brown, Skag, H, Horse, Smack his hardship as a student. he has Tom is 20. He sells drugs to his found it hard to get a holiday job, friends in Haverhill during his hol- and seeing small scale dealing as idays from university. "You never an easy solution to his problem. really got anything other than "There are so many student jobs Cocaine - £40 weed or skunk at home until peo- which are really poorly paid. You The Facts Distribution ple started going off to Uni. I'd work ten hours and you only get never even tried any class A's until four quid an hour. Selling drugs, I I Street cocaine costs I It is estimated that 25-40 I left home. But I went to Uni and can work the hours I want, at a between £40 and £50 per tonnes are smuggled a year wanted to try new things. I met price I want. The way I see it, I'm gram I 66% is cultivated in people who were really into the in control of my business. I don't I Cocaine is a white Columbia by paramilitary rave scene and I got into pills." have anybody to answer to. I'd crystalline powder extracted organisations Soon his friends at home had never do it properly. Once I stop from the leaves of the South I 3/4 is imported across the expressed an interest and he start- using drugs, I'll stop selling them”. American coca plant Channel in lorries and I Highly addictive, especially private vehicles seemed a good way to pay for my in crack form. Users feel an I The remaining cocaine own drugs while getting a little bit initial rush of energy and comes by air direct to of cash for extras. It seemed a good increased alertness London alternative to a Saturday job.” I Can be smoked, snorted I Readily available in Shortly afterwards, Ellie started or heated into a liquid and Cambridge, coming from going out with a drug dealer who fumes inhaled through a secondary sources in Cocaine- Coke, Charlie, C, White, Percy, Snow, Toot sold her cocaine for as little as £20 pipe Newmarket and Colchester. a gram. Ellie says: “I wasn't look- ing to rip anyone off. I'd just pass a few grams onto friends for £25 or £30, just to pay for mine.” Ecstasy - £40 However, she has had a brush with the law as she was previous- The Facts Distribution ly cautioned for possession. She I Pure ecstasy comes in in I 100 million+ ecstasy admits that “It was a lucky the form of a yellow/ brown tablets are distributed escape...I was on my way to pick crystal powder, and is sold throughout the world each up 100 pills to take to a party by the gram at £40- £50 year when it happened. I kept thinking I Ecstasy tablets are I Bought wholesale for what would have happened if I'd usually a cocktail of MDMA around 50p each ELLIE been found with all those pills on powder, amphetemines I Some laboratories are set me. It really scared me. I didn't (speed) and heroin and cost up in the UK, yet most is Ellie has just finished her A-levels want to see dealing take over my between £2- £5 imported from the at Hills Road Sixth Form College. life.” Now, she has slowed it down. I A stimulant drug which Netherlands She was a straight A student. At “I've had my fair share of experi- also has mild hallucinogenic I Organized crime in the UK the age of 16 she started dealing ences. It's not exciting anymore. effects is focussed heavily on the cocaine and ecstasy to friends in I'll still go out and get fucked occa- I Takes effect in 20- 60 Ecstasy trade London in order to finance her sionally, and sometimes make a minutes, (longer if on a full I It is one of the most heavy drug use. She was intro- small profit on a few pills, but it's stomach). effects can last readily available drugs in the duced to drug dealers and became nothing serious. It's so much pres- up to 8 hours UK, yet there is a distinct involved in the warehouse party sure, and it takes up so much time. I It is important to drink shortage in East Anglia scene through friends at college. It's only really sustainable when water to replace lost fluids, I Local prices are often Ellie says; “Soon I was taking pills you're using yourself.” but drinking more than a inflated to £6-£8 a tablet a few times a week and it was pint of water an hour can be Ecstasy- Pills, Brownies, Disco, Biscuits, Hug Drug, starting to get expensive. I didn't fatal Mitsubishi, Rolex, Dolphin, XTC want to get into debt and I had a All names have been changed to few friends who were dealing. It protect the security of Varsity staff Where can you get help? JOE GOSDON Lucas Oliver, Community Support Worker (Drug Misuse) explains

The Bridge, now in its twenty- As part of the local Mental break. However, with the cor- gung practices too. first year as a non-prescribing Health Partnership NHS Trust, rect motivation and guidance The provision of a needle drug treatment service, seeks it is no surprise that problems it is possible. It may also help exchange seeks to address a to help drug users change we see often relate to poor to offer support to the drug wider public health concern. behaviour in relation to the mental health, as well as users’ family or friends who Clean needles and syringes are harm caused to themselves those with physical health are often aversely affected by provided to injecting drug and others. problems. Whilst a few people the drug use. When people users in order to minimise the A wide range of people will have a psychiatric diagno- have a heavy drug habit to spread of blood borne viruses access the service exhibiting a sis of significant mental ill- sustain they can become mer- such as HIV and Hepatitis C. wide range of problems from a ness, in the main it is the cenary in their personal rela- By encouraging these drug wide range of drugs approach. broadest definition of mental tionships, only maintaining users to return used injecting In fact, it is common for people health with which the Bridge contacts with friends and rela- equipment for safe disposal it to encounter problems with is concerned. It is in the sense tives in order to obtain funds also helps to minimise another more than one drug. There are that everyone has a mental to finance their addiction. potential mode of contamina- a proportion of people vulnera- health, as much as they have As well as traditional tion in the wider community. ble to drug misuse throughout a physical health to attend to, advice, information and coun- By offering these services, all sections of society. However, that the service operates. selling, The Bridge seeks to we play our part in tackling there are other factors in con- In many cases people have develop complementary ther- what is undoubtedly a deeply junction with this, such as dep- sought through the use of apies and it offers an troubling problem. rivation, lack of opportunities drugs, to medicate themselves acupuncture clinic and has The Bridge is available by and unstable relationships, against what they perceive as just added guided imagery. In telephoning the information which may be more likely to poor mental health, only to this, identified changes in line, making an appointment render the situation problemat- find out that after a time, far behaviour are rehearsed in a or dropping-in for advice and ic. Certain people have addic- from being a solution, it may relaxed state. This is because guidance during office hours, tive personality types which have contributed to the prob- the logical part of the brain is Monday to Friday. The tele- mean they are susceptible to lem. Whilst this may afford engaged more readily, with- phone number is 01223 214 drug dependency and subse- the individual insight, there out the interference of high 614. The Bridge is located at quently find it harder to come often remains a pattern of emotional states. Plans are 152/154 Mill Road, Mill Road cemetery: Class A drugs allegedly dealt here off drugs. behaviour that is difficult to afoot to develop yoga and chi Cambridge. 6 Varsity News 11.11.05

On Campus Restaurant Shame Back to Nature MICHAEL DERRINGER the staff lavatories meant that Last week Varsity revealed Amelia Worsley staff frequently washed their how students over Cambridge Clare finally gets Phase One of the hands in the kitchen sink after were baring all in the name of DNA statue Cycle Removal A report recently released under going to the toilet. Food in the art. This week we review Orgy, Programme the Freedom of Information Act fridge was seven days past its use the sell-out play behind the The statue of the DNA double has revealed that Cambridge by date, food was left uncovered, controversy. helix, by Charles Jencks, has Robinson Head Porter Colin eateries Browns, The Bun Shop, and doors were left open despite finally been unveiled at Clare Barnes has taken it upon himself McDonalds, Old Orleans, and the fact Rentokil was treating the Ellie Simons College. It is to commemorate the to commence “Phase One of the Café Naz have all failed to meet premises for a possible rodent achievements of Professor Cycle Removal Program”. With food hygiene standards in the last sighting. Lawrence Hooper’s orignal transla- James D. Watson and then fellow effect from Wednesday 9th year. Cambridge City Council An inspection of The Bun tion of Pasolini’s 60s play Orgy fea- Orgy at the Playroom student Francis Crick who dis- November all parts of cycles food hygiene inspectors have Shop, in March 2005, exposed a tures a set containing a prominent, covered DNA whilst students at (wheels, frames, baskets etc) issued warnings to all. Failure to mouldy icemaker, a dirty hob and luxurious bed and a suspended perversity, yet somehow it all felt Clare in 1957. It is hoped that the which appear to have been aban- heed these could lead to prosecu- microwave and a five-day-old frame through which a panel of hollow and insubstantial. I felt the current statue won’t explode like doned were “automatically tion, fines or closure. cooked partridge in the fridge. light is cast onto the wall next to a production was not quite mature the last one. removed and placed in a skip for Café Naz was found to be Keith Gehlert, manager, was cellist who underscores the play enough to deal with the nature of disposal. Where necessary locks infested by disease-spreading adamant the restaurant no longer (until she appears as a character). the language and subject matter New Hall President holding any such item will be cockroaches when inspected in had a problem: “I just took over a The director’s notes to this play of the play. removed”. Phase Two is set to September 2003. couple of months ago. The first inform the audience that we At this point, it seems fair to Resigns commence on November 21 with Browns had a fridge with an thing I had to do was clean, clean, should resist our Cambridge-stu- bring up the nudity. Yes, I can Kat Hedley, New Hall's JCR the removal of all unmarked bicy- “extremely dirty” floor, dried milk clean. I'm here to feed people, not dent urge to “over-analyse” Orgy as vouch that the rumours are true President, has decided to stand cles. Robinson students have under the shelves, and a large kill them.” a philosophical treatise. I watched and there is prolonged nudity, both down midway through her term in raised serious concerns over the amount of “black mud-like sub- At McDonald's inspectors with no agenda, just as the director male and female. I overheard office, citing her 'inflexible lecture possible content of stages three stance in the vegetable section” described the walk-in freezer and said, and this is what I saw: the members of the audience (and it and lab schedule and current and four. when inspected in August. The a corridor as “dirty”. The Old play begins and ends with a man was an impressive audience for a workload' as the reason. An kitchen was described as “gener- Orleans was found to be in a sim- hanging himself. The bulk of the first night) remark that they had emergency election will be held Enterprising ally dirty”, and the lack of soap in ilar condition. However, Mus play fleshes out the circumstances come on this basis alone, and in this Friday to find her replace- Karmia, kitchen manager, said: leading up to this death, (‘death that sense, they were not disap- ment. The elected President will Downing students “The food inspectors came back brings a surplus wisdom’). pointed. Characters took off and serve only until the end of the The Downing Enterprise one month after the first inspec- The play is, Hooper tells us, put on their clothes a lot, and the original term, and new elections Competition is putting up tion and found nothing wrong.” about desire: desire fulfilled, man even puts on women’s clothes will take place at the end of £20,000 for the student or team Despite the findings Cambridge unfulfilled and impossible to ful- at one point. I am sure it was Easter Term. that manages to come up with County Council reassured restau- fil. The first half of the play fea- meant to tie into the “death/desire” the best business idea so that rant-goers by saying that the tures a man and his wife, a bour- paradigm, but I am not sure where. Mays 14 seeks subs they can set up and run their authority prided itself on doing a geois couple, shaming each other Watching Orgy I felt a mixture of idea for a year. In an email enti- good job of making sure food out- and acting out perverse fantasies. mild revulsion, confusion and, at The student editors of Mays 14, tled “Are you the next Richard lets in the city are safe. “We make Despite valiant performances, the times, boredom. But what I didn’t Cambridge's annual anthology Branson?” the JCR President regular and frequent inspections. words the actors spoke sounded once feel was sympathy, which I of new student writing, have invited Downing students to put We carry out our enforcement uncomfortable in their mouths, think is the crucial ingredient lack- been announced as Juliet their entrepreneurial thinking duties in a responsible way, we and the speech rhythms overly ing in Hooper’s play.

Lapidos, Imogen Walford and caps on. The fact that Branson MICHAEL DERRINGER issue food safety notices and we lyrical and emphasised. The play That said, I would certainly Torsten Henricson-Bell. never went to University, let One of the offenders do food safety training.” contains acts of shame, desire and advise attending. Applications to join the com- alone Downing, appears to mittee of sub-editors should be have been overlooked. sent to [email protected] by Applications are due in by Men and women: the intellect debate November 21. December 10. Following recent scientific dispute, Tess Riley re-opens an age old discussion

The gender and intelligence Cambridge exam results seem exam results than their female appears and poorly if not. Cross Campus debate stepped up a gear last to corroborate Irwing and counterparts at mixed-colleges. Michelle Nuttall, CUSU week with the publication of an Lynn’s report. In 2005, male stu- The situation is complicated Women’s Officer, tells Varsity Do you live in a Reading student a article by Dr Steven Blinkhorn dents overall achieved 26.9 per- further when other exam results that “It is no surprise that men in the journal Nature in response cent first-class degrees while are taken into consideration. gain more firsts in Cambridge”. dump? lone gun to the claim by two British aca- women achieved 17.4%. Taking GCSE and A-level results consis- Women were only admitted into The NUS has started a nation- Last week Reading University demics that men are significant- subjects individually, there are tently show girls achieving bet- most colleges in the 1970s and al campaign to improve the student Rob White launched a ly cleverer than women. some very large gaps across the ter results than boys. The 2005 ‘80s and so “Cambridge remains condition of student accom- protest against Atomic The first claim, in a report by male-female divide. 23.6 per- A-levels data from the a system build by white men for modation. They have Weapons Energy, who were Dr Paul Irwing and Professor cent of male Economic students Department for Education and white men, and in some ways is announced that they want stu- making a presentation to Richard Lynn, stated that male achieved a first in part two of Skills demonstrate the “shock- reluctant to change its meth- dents to send pictures of their Reading students. On behalf of university students average the tripos in contrast to 11.1 per ing extent of under-achieve- ods.” “crap halls of residence” and the Young Greens Society he almost five IQ points more than cent of females. In the maths tri- ment by boys in some of However, the president of intend to take their grievances waited outside the meeting women. Their research suggests pos part III, 64.2 percent of Britain’s leading schools”. The Harvard University provoked to the government. Someone holding up a large banner that that there are twice as many males achieved a first as editor of the Good Schools uproar in January when he has sent in a picture of a rat. read “Bongs not Bombs” and men with IQ scores of 125 than opposed to 36.4 percent of Guide, Ralph Lucas, looked at publicly claimed that men out- Varsity is intrigued as to leafleted. He admitted that he women – the typical level for women. state and independent schools perform women in maths and whereabouts in the rodent the was disappointed by the lack of people with first class degrees – The results also show that a and found that of the 1,132 science not because of any insti- student lives. support from other students. and 5.5 men for every woman at higher proportion of male stu- schools considered, 74 percent tutional bias but rather because He was joined by one other the IQ level 155, the level asso- dents achieve third-class degrees of girls did better than boys. In of biological differences between Anti-Welfare protester. ciated with genius. This is not – 17.4 percent – as opposed to 43 percent of these cases girls the sexes. Officer the first time Lynn has produced the 16.0 percent of women who outperformed boys by over 10 Critics of his argument have Prohibition strikes controversial results; he previ- were awarded the same in 2005. percent. argued that the discrepancy Merton College Oxford has ously claimed that white people The results are in line with This data is indicative of a between men and women may appointed an “Anti-Welfare again are cleverer than black people. previous years. Women’s col- great shift between secondary have more to do with social fac- Officer” in response to con- Students at the University of Blinkhorn’s article highlights leges consistently come near the school and university. One sug- tors than biological ones. cerns that the Welfare Officers Vermont are to be limited to a number of “serious flaws” in bottom of the Oxbridge league gestion is that men take greater Childcare responsibilities, may have been overzealous. only having 24 servings of alco- their study and suggests that the tables, as St Hilda’s college, risks when studying for their prejudice, and out-moded The new officer, who was hol in one place at one time. two academics were extremely Oxford and Newnham and New finals. Women are more likely to beliefs may help to explain why voted in unanimously, has The university stressed that this selective in the results they Hall in Cambridge repeatedly revise everything, men will women appear to be in second responsibility for identifying was not per student, but was used, ignoring vast quantities of prove. However, it is noticeable focus on learning a part of their place to men. “inebriated persons receiving per party. Previously they had material to make their results fit that women at single-sex col- course exceptionally well, scor- undue assistance from the been allowed to have 56 serv- their hypotheses. leges generally achieve better ing highly if their specialism > Survey, page 7 welfare officers” and thwarting ings – roughly equivalent to a “the best efforts of the welfare keg of beer – but after concerns you could be forgiven for think- Blood is a terrifying thing, of officers by supplying alcoholic about drinking by students ing, with our chapped wind blast- course, and we shouldn’t go drinks to the aforementioned under 21 the limit was lowered. incidentally... ed skin and blue lips, that around shedding it with glee. But individuals”. One JCR Cambridge students are really, young men here seem not Committee member, who did SOAS sell arms by zoe organ underneath, lizards. We have unaware of their role models. not wish to be named, said he slowly morphed into reptiles dur- Lord Byron, all the more haunting had not objected during the investments After the end of last term,, ing our time here, as if we had had to the young poet for his floppy meeting as he feared looking Top London university SOAS Aone of my more robust to become amphibious to crawl hair, went on to surrender his life like “a miserable git”. has announced that it is going friends confessed that he into the Cambridge Pond. in the deep south of the to sell off all of its shares in was glad to be home, because in But this is ridiculous. If you go Mediterranean, and kept a bear in First degree is the arms companies. Campaign Cambridge, he never healed. into the ladies’ boudoirs in the his room. Against the Arms Trade (CAAT) For some reason this seemed evening you see hundreds of girls One guy I know apparently has deepest claim that the decision comes an incredibly dramatic statement, applying lotions and potions to a polar bear in his bedroom, but it Cat Stevens was presented as a direct result of the recent much more dramatic than his seal themselves up, re-healing is stuffed and snowy. This seems with an honorary doctorate by “name and shame” campaign actual appearance. Maybe it was themselves constantly in a monot- rather touching. It seems that the University of that also featured Cambridge because it conjured pictures of onous cosmetic process that starts modern man is left here, to fall Gloucestershire on November colleges. One CAAT campaign- wounded boys, lying alone in in Freshers’ week and will carry upon his oar, his violin bow, his 4. The singer, who famously er, said that the decision pre- cold student beds, who just Kept on for the rest of our lives. Just baton or his fountain pen, unac- converted to Islam, was sented a challenge to other uni- Buggering On… until the end. because, occasionally, this can knowledged. instrumental in getting the versities who still hold invest- They inspire unfamiliar nurse- inspire a sort of nauseous existen- Of course we should all be government to certify and ments. 11 Cambridge colleges like desires. It was more dramatic, tialist disgust at the sheer volume grateful that blood is so absent in support Islamic education retain substantial investments perhaps, because blood in of stuff that needs to be applied to our world, but the small private throughout the UK. in companies such as BAE Cambridge is such a sidelined our bodies, we should not confer pains around us should be recog- Systems, Cobham and GKN. thing. Red means Jesus College heroic honour on the boys who nised, in the lost, swampy, murky Boat Club, or jam on scones, and are so full of neglect. world of Cambridge in the winter. 11.11.05 News Varsity 7 Varsity asks: Why do men do better than women in the exam room? Academics and students: is there a difference in the way men and women work? > In 2005 26.9% of men at Cambridge got a First; only 17.4% “It is possible that they [men] “In supervisions men tend to may be more focussed and talk more in mixed groups - but of women. Why the disparity? instrumental in their approach this does depend enormously on [in exams], but that is a deduc- the group” tion from the “gender deficit” in Dr S Watts Homerton, the results, rather than an Senior Tutor empirical observation” Dr Paul Hartle, Senior Tutor, “There is definitely a difference. St Catharine's girls want to go all around the subject; boys target specific top- “While it is clearly dangerous to ics. Boys and Girls have different generalise, over the years I have aims. Girls want to learn more, weekdays seen many highly intelligent and boys want the higher grades” hard working women thrown Ali, Economics, 2nd year into panic by Tripos…. Before her Finals, a particular student I “Girls definitely prepare more COUNCILLOR JOHN HIPKIN knew decided that his girlfriend while boys tend to blag it. We THE MAYOR OF CAMBRIDGE deserved a First but lacked confi- have one guy in our year who dence. He duly trained her to offered to help a girl with her produce witty and shapely studies if she got stuck - she's . answers rather than profound doing much better than him Sunday and unfinished essays. He gave since the course started though Students: why do men get more Firsts? In Prague with group of youngsters from Romsey Mill, a her his own best suit to wear. which is good to see. We have “Boys are more prepared to take a “Girls worry too much and then local youth club, who had come to play football against two Her resulting First was a good supervisions on our own side of the argument whereas end up trying to learn everything. local Prague teams. One win, one defeat (best forget the one” though so its hard to know girls might attempt to show both I do it too, partly because I just score…) We also visit Lidice, the martyr village, and all of us Jane Liddell-King (Ms), about that” sides which might not work so like learning more things. It's stu- are moved to learn of the massacre which occurred there in English Supervisor Abi, 1st year History well in their favour” pid just to think that being here is 1944. Anonymous, 2nd year, about learning how to write the “Performance and participation “I’ve actually asked my DOS not History correct answer in the exam; Monday in supervision: is there a gender to be supervised with a certain there's so much on offer I want to Meet postgraduate Alex Benton who gives me an interesting difference? It is the supervisor's arrogant male, because he “Men have always done better try and make the most of it” responsibility to make sure there account of his biodiversity research in Siberia. In the always just dominated the than women. That's why Tarzan Toral, 2nd year, English evening I host a major fundraising event in aid of Romsey is sufficient involvement from all supervision with fabricated sto- went out hunting and Jane got Mill at the Guildhall for over 400 people. One generous students, regardless of the gen- ries about why he hadn’t done left at home” “Boys do better in exams because guest signs a cheque for £1000 on the spot. der ratio of any given supervi- his essay, and long-winded Anonymous undergraduate, they are more confident. They sion. In terms of participation answers that avoided conclu- Jesus perform better because they are and performance, I have not Tuesday sions. And then, of course, did more self-assured and outgoing Meet Verity Stroud of the Churches Conservation Trust to found any significant difference better than me in the exam” “I don’t really get it, particularly with their answers” discuss fundraising for All Saints Church in Jesus Lane between female and male stu- Anonymous 3rd year, as girls always come out top at A Emma, Classics (Simon Jenkin berates us in his book, The 1000 Best dents” Sociology level” England Churches, for neglecting All Saints.) Guest of Anonymous supervisor Anonymous, Emmanuel Honour at Rotary Lunch. Wednesday Hear about mediation services in Cambridge whilst visiting MP, well known for his floppy don’t worry about it. Alright, wrapped Pepperami, told to new County Court building on East Road. We are told of hair, rosy cheeks and bumbling see you later mate. unwrap it and then insert it into new ways of settling conflicts without recourse to expensive mien. The unruffled member of The Bishop recommenced the the anus of a grinning junior doc- litigation. the house replied with his usual exchange with vigour: tor, and to place it on the table for insouciance and wit: “No thanks, BISH: Are you going to make the next initiate. We have declined Thursday charmed by the offer...but not me wait that long? to get a quote from the Visit a site in Cambridge with an architect who wants to since school.” HACK: You are not nick he just redoubtable individual, for fear build a student hostel. She informs me on how the building The Bishop, always one to push called me identify yourself or i her head may explode. will look and I meet some of the neighbours who live near- the boundaries of technology, will bar your number by. (Apart from being Mayor I am Vice-Chairman of the promptly decided to use his own Here Endeth the Lesson. No doubt over-excited by Guy Planning Committee.) In the evening I babysit whilst my Holy Crap! The mobile telephone to test the reac- Fawkes’ Night, two students wife goes to see Joan Armatrading at the Corn Exchange. tions of the aforementioned hack. Following on from our exposé of decided to engage in a cruel stunt Bishop goes A hearty exchange followed: induction ceremonies in involving a “Catholic” hamster. Friday undercover BISH: Your cock - my mouth; 5 Magdalene College drinking soci- The students bought a the rodent Early morning meeting with planning staff. In the evening I minutes? eties, we can further reveal that a from a local pet shop, and a large launch a three year project as part of Black History month HACK: Where have I heard group of 1st year clinical students rocket from the newsagent next called Untold Stories. These stories are of citizens from black that before? were recently implicated in an door. These virulent anti-papists and ethnic backgrounds whose histories have so far been Which former Varsity hack, now a BISH: Your previous employer even more disgusting initiation then reportedly dressed the ham- overlooked, but will be recorded on film, in theatre and famous media darling and colum- HACK: None of my employers rite. A new clinical student was ster in a miniature cardinal’s uni- written testimonies. nist for an avowedly autonomous have been so generous I am on invited to the pub, where a form, tied it to the rocket, and let former broadsheet, was involved deadline so text me later if you Pepperami was placed on a table. off the firework. Horrified onlook- Saturday in an embarrassing text message have anything coherent or non The assembled medics then told ers reported the incident, and the Spend the morning preparing a major exhibition at the mix-up with a prominent Tory obscene to say. the hapless fresher that all she had pet shop which sold the rocket to Guildhall; Hiroshima: Lest we Forget (November 14 -25). Later MP? As ever, our infallible discre- An hour passed before the Bishop to do was eat the Pepperami - “but the students was traced by an ani- I go to fireworks display on Midsummer Common, spon- tion at the Bish will not allow us to received a rather breathless- it's very hot.” Following her inges- mal rights group. The owner of sored by the Grand Arcade. The best display I've ever seen. I tell you his name, but we can sounding voicemail message: tion of the comestible, she was the pet shop claimed to have no get to New Hall by ten past eight to see Hiroshima Mon relate the sordid tale in full. HACK: Hi Nick it’s (X), I’m bought a drink; she then asked idea of the sadistic intentions of Amour which rekindles memories of my visit to Japan earlier Finding himself a little randy, our guessing this is your new why the initiation was so easy. She the miscreants, despite the fact this year for the commemoration of the A-bomb attack of hack hero decided to text his part- phone. Hope you’re alright and was simply told that she had to that they declined to buy any sus- August 6 1945. ner with a no-nonsense offer of I’ll be seeing you at Beth’s prepare the next ceremony. tenance or home for the unfortu- sex: “Your cock - my mouth; 5 tomorrow night. But give me a Flushed with the success of her nate rodent, and even returned to minutes?” Unfortunately, this call if you need anything soon- own, seemingly innocuous, the pet shop, clutching the ham- uncompromising missive was mis- er. Um. If by any chance you’re ordeal, our unwitting dupe gladly ster and the rockets, asking for takenly texted to a famous Tory not Nick (nervous chuckle) agreed. She was given a second, rubber bands.

t was on Sunday evening when wore red. Sophie who was always daylight hours like a chore, each lights hung across the street before I first noticed another presence with a different man. page marking another minute I managed to visit the Archipelago Iat the restaurant. She did not Sometimes she was a giggling between when I had seen her last, myself. The head waiter seated me work there, though I often saw her girlfriend, lingering fingers on a and when I would be ableto see silently -another solitary diner - speaking easily with the head rich silk sleeve, sometimes, she her again. whilst I regarded him like a silent waiter, admiring his few excitable was silent, aloof, a mile away I was possessed. movie star from films I had once chords, sharing his jokes, her silver across a narrow table. She was a There were awful Christmas loved, uttering hushed admiring lighter, even once, a fleeting blank canvas to mark. And as thankyous to themenu, the cut- dance. She spoke less easily with autumn's rains turned to winter's lery, the glass of red wine. I stared the old owner, who always first snow, I tried to make her blankly at my own dark window, seemed moved to silence by her. mine. waiting, absorbing meekly the He would forever hurry by her She would be at the restaurant glare of the tattered paper snow- with the most subtle nod, to daub most nights, and when she was, I ma that I had placed, godlike, on another daily scrawl, white on would watch. Sometimes she the sill. black, a negative newspaper head- would arrive early, and wait with It was nearly ten o'clock when line, meaningless in the night - narrowed eyes, or else stalk in an she walked through the door... Joshua Farrington continues the story 'Grilled Mackerel and buttered hour late and sit with a lonely from last week. Asparagus'. expectant man at a table in the In my mind - the only place corner, and then laugh, whilst I It’s up to you what happens next. where I knew her - I named her sat, unmoving. Email your continuation of 400 words to Sophie. Sophie who smiled at a Coffee would turn cold in my [email protected] dropped plate. Sophie who hands as I sat for hours gazing at by 6pm on Tuesday 15th November smoked thin cigarettes with deli- her, willing her to smile, to laugh, cate hands, as though they were to walk away. My work - which I to take part. made of glass. Sophie who always had once loved - came to fill those 8 Varsity Features 11.11.05 BABY’S GOT THE BLUES

So how bad have yours been? “Fifth week blues” might be a cliché, but it holds more than a grain of truth - everyone seems pretty glum. In pursuit of a professional solution, RACHEL DIVALL and JON SWAINE put some of your problems to The Times’ BEL MOONEY or all our incessant She went on to become a moaning about fifth Fellow of UCL and in 1998 ’m in my first term and don't feel I’ve settled in yet. If Fweek blues, it has been was awarded a D.Litt from II’m still this lonely at the end of term I don't think I can suggested that it might all Bath University. “A small face coming back after Christmas, but feel silly to be on just be a collective reaction part of me still wants to the verge of turning down the chance of a degree from to the turning of the sea- teach,” she says, “maybe Dear Bel... Cambridge. Other friends from school who have gone to sons. Not so much sad as that’s why I write - after university seem to have settled in much more quickly and S.A.D., so to speak. all, both are forms of com- be having more fun than me. I’d rather be back at sixth Certainly, the nights start munication.” form and living at home. I'm studying Natural Sciences at about half-past two in When she graduated, Bel which means I've got lots of lectures and practicals - also we the afternoon; any sem- began as a feature writer for 've been with my boyfriend for almost two years: upper didn't really have much of a freshers’ week at my college, blance of Summer really a the legendary magazine Isixth and gap year. After lots of discussion, my boyfriend and everyone split off into groups really quickly. It feels too has gone for good, and it Nova, then other national and I decided to try things long distance. He's at late to get to know people and that everyone else is a hun- seems as though Autumn magazines and newspapers. Edinburgh so it's proving to be quite hard going. What I dred times better than me at making friends. Should univer- never even bothered to During her career, she has really want to know is whether I'm in danger of wasting sity be this hard? turn up at all. been a columnist for the 'the best years of my life' between two places, spending all Perhaps it is all attributa- Daily Express, Daily Mirror, my money on train fares etc when, statistically at least, it is Gemma ble to that sudden change Sunday Times and the Listener unlikely that this is the person who I will end up with. in the weather. The rain Bel currently writes an Should I be worried that this relationship might not last for- It usually is, you know. You mustn’t think there’s anything hammers down all night, advice page each Wednesday ever? My boyfriend phones nearly every day, and we try to wrong with you, or that everyone else is having a wonderful and by morning the pave- in the Times, which has rap- meet every other week, but I'm worried one day I'll look time. I felt just as you did in my first term and my daughter ments are plastered with idly gained cult status. She back and wonder what was I doing? Does the fact that I am was miserable at Warwick. It’s a really hard time of transition slimy, browned leaves that has now been a journalist for even thinking these things mean that we shouldn't be - home and school seem so friendly and secure. First you might just as well be come- thirty five years, and has also together? I always thought that people ended up with the must psyche yourself into looking around during those lec- dy banana skins. If it ever written over twenty five person who really was perfect for them, but the older I get tures and practicals (good that you have so many) and was before, making one’s books, including the hugely the more I think it might just be a case of right place right deciding that since most people feel as you do, your task is way to lectures is now cer- popular series of Kitty stories time. It makes me really sad to think that my boyfriend to try to help them. Make it a serious project, like sixth form tainly not fun. for children. Her new novel could have been the one I ended up with if I'd only met him course work. Reach out a little; they’ll be grateful. Then Then again, there are for adults (the sixth) is called when I was a bit older. there MUST be a club you can join - one crying out for sup- other reasons. All the post- The Invasion of Sand. porters. Every time you feel like giving up ask yourself vacation euphoria truly has Bel is also an accom- Sam whether you think the natural progression of the universe is worn off, and the stark plished broadcaster, and forward or back? You’re on the road to the rest of your life. reality of attempting to has presented many pro- There’s much wisdom in your letter. These are the contradic- Don’t expect it to be easy, then you may well be surprised. write an essay two hours in grammes on television and tions we all live with: the door opening / door closing which a house full of people who radio,including the award- is part of the human condition - just like the realisation that steal your food and torment winning Devout Sceptics on perfection does not exist. It seems to me you’re chafing at you with their noisy, noisy Radio 4. your ties of love, and need to loosen them a little. Couldn’t sex lives has bitten. But perhaps none of you try twice a term, and see how it goes? Being so mutual- You stare at your bank these things could prepare ly dependent will mean neither of you can get all you might balance in disbelief, her for the feat of solving from university life. But who knows? You could end up his might seem petty, but I can't stand my best attempting to divide the last your fifth week doldrums. spending your life with this lovely guy, statistics or not. Tfriend's new girlfriend. I know it's not my place to sixteen pounds of your Here goes. Whatever you do, don’t waste time feeling sad about stuff pass judgment, because he seems to really like her overdraft into the remain- that hasn’t happened. Live in the present, work hard at your but when he's not there she's rude and obnoxious and talks ing three weeks without course, read, discuss, meet people - and because you love constantly about how many other people find her attractive. crying so much that your him, urge him to do the same. I know it'll sound like I'm just jealous, and maybe that's a statement becomes ause- bit of it too - this can be a really lonely place because every- less, salty mess of tears and one's always so busy, and I really rely on my friend. Now pulp. Oh dear. “ he's with her we never spend time together. He's changed But whatever the rea- UNIVERSITY too - he doesn't laugh any more. I don't know what to do - sons, despair no longer: 'm in my final year and don't know what to do with my if I say something will it ruin things? help is at hand. IS A REALLY Ilife. Everyone around me has a career in mind; I keep Born in Liverpool in changing, but feel under pressure to decide. I can see Dave 1946, where “home was a HARD myself ending up applying for one of the big firms in flat on a low-rise council accountancy or something, but this isn't really what I want It’s strange that so much emphasis is placed on romantic estate called The Green,” TIME OF to do. I've always wanted to work for the Foreign Office, but and sexual relationships, when friendship is the lynch-pin in Bel Mooney’s world was have become disheartened as it's so incredibly competitive. so many lives. You can’t do anything about his involvement “turned upside down by a TRANSITION I've been considering living abroad for a year and learning a with this girl, and it would be wrong to tell him you don’t like move south, to Trowbridge new language, which I hope would help my application as her. Just hope it finishes soon! If he doesn’t seem happy in Wiltshire. “ She attended - HOME AND well as being an exciting year away. I'm just worried that I'll then it probably will - and you don’t want to crow ‘I told you the local girls’ grammar drift along without ever establishing a career for myself. so’. In the meantime, the issue to address is your depend- school, and “tried to learn a SCHOOL ence on him. Sometimes our personal growth requires us to new accent, so I would fit Worried third-year leave people behind; it sounds harsh but it’s realistic. I’m in. Not easy.” SEEM SO not suggesting you cease to be friends with him, just that When she left school, she You’re like the centipede who thought so much about which you make this the moment when you start to work at meet- gained a place at University SECURE leg moved after which he could no longer run! Please go ing others. If everyone is ‘always so busy’ then you have to College London, and in and do that year abroad. Then come back and apply for the get busy too. You have a good deal of self-knowledge; use it 1969 gained a first class Foreign Office, telling yourself you’ll be successful. Don’t to move on. honours degree in English drift: think, work and act. Language and Literature. ” 11.11.05 Features Varsity 9 A SECRET

HOT 1067 – the ghosts of the soldiers from the Battle of Hastings retire to Cambridge, a year HISTORY older and a lot wiser. They build a university. The teaching is top We all know the tour guides’ favourites - Mathematical Bridge this, notch, but spooky. Henry VIII’s chair leg that. But what curious tales lie beneath 1506 – Some king or other builds loads of RHIANNON EASTERBROOK colleges, and apparent- Cambridge’s surface? takes a look ly named them after the here’s no way of escaping WELCH ADAM Probably the most famous man first things he thought history in Cambridge. If the to have hanged in Cambridge is of when he was signing Tarchitecture isn’t a reminder, Dr. Butts, vice-chancellor of the the paperwork. the tourists braving such appalling University in 1672. What marks Unfortunately, ‘Bedside weather to photograph them- him out is that his ghost is said to Table College,’ ‘Bed selves outside it are. But in the walk Corpus Christi, where he College,’ ‘The Wife rush of getting to lectures, or if committed suicide. College’ and ‘Wardrobe we’re lucky, somewhere else, this And this isn’t even the only College’ have since environment is easily viewed as ghost story in Corpus. Such is the been renamed. backdrop to our daily routine, and number of stories in circulation 1662 – Isaac Newton all the stories from every corner of that this subject really demands a renames Corpus Christi the city are overlooked. Here are book of its own. However, there is ‘Borpus Blisty’ as a some that you may know and one of which you probably won’t prank, but nobody pays some that might be more obscure. hear on any ghost tour. The spec- him the slightest atten- All, though, give some life to the tre of the ‘Grey Lady’ is said to tion. old stones of Cambridge. hang over Girton; a young Pubs, forever a part of student woman, Miss Taylor,supposedly 1665 – The University life, have had their share of signif- haunting the Taylor Knob stair- and its students are icant history. The Anchor, oppo- case since she tragically died temporarily shrunk to site Queens’, for example, was a before even starting at the the size of a pinhead so favourite meeting place for Ted College. That’s dedication for you. the plague won’t see it. Hughes. It was there that he had a Cambridge also has seen plenty 1770 jazz band with E. Lucas Myers and of legendary, foolhardy stunts. – Somebody lost Dan Huws, who once insulted These seem frequently to involve the keys to Jesus some of Sylvia Plath’s poetry in climbing onto things. In 1958, in College and everyone the student magazine Chequer. a testament to intelligence and was locked out for Huws did think Plath “beautiful”, pointless pursuits, a team of thir- ages. though, so that obviously made teen elevated a car onto the roof 1800 – The University everything all right. of the Senate House, at night and branches out from Compared to the Eagle, though, without detection. They brought Home Economics, this is nothing. Not often has a up a Mini, piece by piece, and Spelling and Alchemy pub played host to two defining reassembled it. to include Maths in its moments of the twentieth centu- The roofs of King’s have also course list for the first ry. But references to both of the played host to the fruits of ambi- time. Eagle’s historical events are tious students’ japes: a pink, plas- marked on its wall facing Bene’t tic hippo is one of the more 1870 – Women are let Street. In an academic place such notable objects spotted towering into the University, but as this, most people are aware of proudly above the city. told not to touch any- one - namely that of Watson and King’s, it seems, has often been thing. Crick’s DNA declaration. home to the surreal. It has been 1885 However, what can sometimes recorded as a venue for a red hot – Charles Darwin, be forgotten is actually more plain poker fight between philosophers while an undergraduate, to see. In fact, some people would Ludwig Wittgenstein and Karl finds conclusive evi- say that the writing is on the ceil- Popper in 1946. Popper, an invited dence that mankind is ing. Travelling to the back of the guest, was reading a paper defend- created by old college pub leads you to the RAF bar. ing the notion that there were chapels weathered There it is possible for anyone to genuine philosophical problems. down into people connect with the lives of individu- But Wittgenstein scorned this shaped over time. He als from one of the most dramatic idea, believing there were only keeps it to himself in periods of our country’s history. philosophical-linguistic-logical case it upsets the Over a few square metres, in can- puzzles at best. Those crazy guys. Church. The Church dlewax and lipstick, are the marks what is said to be the most beau- the river. Unfortunately, so were Nor is this the only time King’s would hate to think of people who went on to fight for tiful décor and stained glass of any some bargemen. The bargemen has been a location for over- that’s what it would turn Britain and America in the RAF. church in Cambridge. Not only knocked into the students and a enthusiastic philosophers getting into. There are 63 British squadrons that, it was here that renowned fight arose with both vessels being to grips with each other’s theses, 1903 – As stated in mentioned on that ceiling, dating architect George Frederick Bodley boarded by the crews of the other. so to speak. Wittgenstein (again) Queen Victoria’s will, for between the Battle of Britain and worked out his personal style of The students succeeded in bring- and Bertrand Russell are said to one year the students the end of the war, and then again imitation 14th century Gothic “A TEAM OF ing reinforcements but were still have had a fistfight on the Parade. all have to speak during the Berlin airlift of 1948. that would direct all his later beaten off by the bargemen and The latter did have his more German, and their But only ten years ago the work. This church also boasts THIRTEEN eventually had to take refuge in self-effacing moments, though, he supervisors and lectur- future of the pub became doubt- designs by pre-Raphaelite, and Magdalene. This wasn’t the end of later claimed to have been so shy ers have to wear all ful when it entered into a wran- early socialist, William Morris, ELEVATED A the matter, though, as the barge- that he couldn’t ask where the their clothes back- gle with Corpus Christi and was which, due to a reduced congre- men, taking things very seriously, college toilets were. This drove wards. shut for three years before the gation and dwindling funds, are MINI ONTO actually conducted a siege around him to the lengths of walking all dispute was resolved. appreciated by very few. the college until the master was the way to the train station to use 1941 – WWII is raging, A building similarly in danger Like Morris, another designer THE ROOF forced to come out and mediate. the facilities there. and Cambridge sides of having its access restricted is All with notable views on property The action that took place Still, better to lose your shame with Japan. The cabinet Saints’ Church. It was closed as a ownership was the architect of OF SENATE here was not limited to violence, than your head, like Oliver is annoyed but indul- functioning place of worship in Clare Bridge. While known as one HOUSE however: it also extended to Cromwell, whose own is purport- gent. 1973, but has been made acccess- of the most stunning in sex. Along Bridge Street were edly buried in the grounds of 1963 – Everyone goes able to the public by The Cambridge, the bridge is also said brothels - there are still hints of Sidney Sussex. The location (if really trendy. Churches Conservation Trust to be on the verge of collapse these to be found by way of the there is one) cannot be divulged, since 1981. However, the post of because he turned these leftist gargoyles on some of the Tudor just in case someone feels strongly 1974 – Cambridge is curator has recently been made views into action. Paid what he buildings. Castle End was also enough to disinter him. lost. redundant so once again visitors saw as an unsatisfactory amount supposed to be the Red Light But that’s Cambridge: a stew of 1980 wishing to admire it will be faced for his work, the disgruntled man ”readers will know the story of the District and was also the home contradictions, a mixture of the – Cambridge is with a bit of a struggle. took matters into his own hands mathematicians’ bridge at of Three Turns inn, frequented highest intellectual endeavours found. And it’s full of You may wonder why this of and removed a stone. Queens’. But over at Magdalene, by Dick Turpin. A more bloody and the basest desires. Every sin- cake crumbs. What on any importance. Although as one As can be expected for a city as in 1781, there was a palaver of a side to this area is that here once gle stone, from the deepest gutter earth where you up to walks down Jesus Lane this old as this, Clare’s isn’t the only slightly different nature. Nearby, stood the old castle’s gallows. Its to the most towering spire while you were gone? church may look like any other bridge that has seen some inter- some students from St. John’s last execution took place as records a story of this most para- Victorian place of worship, it has esting action in its time. Many happened to be travelling down recently as 1913. doxical of places. NOT 10 Varsity Features 11.11.05

There’s this girl I know. Well there’s this girl a friend of ARTS MALFUNCTION mine knows. Well actually there’s this girl that a friend of mine’s friend seemed to What happens when art meets science? KATHLEEN be friends with. Yes… RICHARDSON investigates the world of humanoid robots I’m in love with her. Head- over-heels-sell-your- espite our conventional autonomous capabilities and like humans and so appear to grandma-for-a-kiss love view of robots as repre- remains fully remote-controlled. have emotions too. Robot Stats with her. Dsenting one of the pinna- Wakamaru, a robot marketed Kismet is a disembodied robot- What’s her name? cles of scientific progress, it was by Mitsubishi Heavy Industries as ic head that looks more like a Da Vinci Robotic System in fact a playwright, Karel Capek, a mechanical house-sitter and mythical creature than a human, Cost: £1million That is the problem. I don’t who created the first robots in secretary, can communicate but researchers have adapted it Functions: performs cancer know. I saw her at formal Rossum’s Universal Robots spontaneously with humans and by employing the same tech- surgery. but didn’t get a chance to (R.U.R), some 84 years ago. recognizes up to 10 different niques that Disney animators use Likeness to humans: very lit- really talk to her later on in Performed since the 1920s, R.U.R faces and 10,000 words. This to make audiences believe in, tle, has three arms and is the bar. There must be a is set in a future mechanised soci- robot will cost around US$15,000 and empathize with, their non- remote-controlled. way for me to find out who ety in which robots are mass-pro- when it becomes available this human characters. Kismet now she is. duced to work in place of people. year, and is designed to watch has human facial features includ- Wakamaru If you’re lucky you may well The term “robot” was derived over the house in its owner’s ing, eyes, eyebrows and a mouth, Cost: probably about US$15 000 be able to find her by using from the Slavic term robota and absence, detecting and reporting “THE and can make appropriate facial Functions: can protect house Facebook. It is one of a new means to “work slavishly”, and anything out of the ordinary. expressions when addressed. from burglaries and moniter breed of social networking the R.U.R creatures were built to The most prominent area of HALLMARK The researchers found that sick people. sites that help you to do just that. They were designed robot research, however, is humans conversing with Likeness to humans: looks communicate with your without emotions, but after their focused on developing humanoid OF Kismet responded favourably to more like a bath duck, but can current friends and potentially original formula is secretly robots - robots whose overall the machine, as nearly all recognise up to 10 faces and make new ones. changed they gain the capacity to appearance are based on that of HUMANITY assumed that the actions per- communicate. feel and have emotions. This ulti- the human body. In general, formed by the robot were the How does that work then? mately leads to their desire for humanoid robots have a torso WAS result of some artificial internal Repliee Q1Expo Essentially you go to the independence, and so to their with a head, two arms and two EMOTION, state of consciousness. Cost: not available to purchase Facebook website at rebellion against the humans. legs, although some may model Many robotics experts believe Functions: can respond to www.facebook.com and So it was a playwright, and only part of the body, for exam- BUT NOW that this “surface-surface interac- human touch. register with the site. You fill not a scientist, who was respon- ple, from the waist up. tion”, the visual equivalent of Likeness to humans: looks like out where you are from and sible for first inventing robots, Research conducted in MIT’s THIS small talk, and an important a Japanese lady, and can flut- various other personal details, and since then society’s percep- Artificial Intelligence Laboratory, dimension of human interaction, ter her eyelids. such as what subject you tions of what robots really are on the robot Kismet, has shown BOUNDARY is vital if robots are ever to be study, what music you listen has depended for the most part that robots which behave in integrated into society. If robots Kismet to and your favourite quotes. on their portrayal in the media. human-like ways, and have BETWEEN can be made to exploit this Cost: not available to purchase You can also upload a picture However, it seems that this is, at anthropomorphic or human-like human dependence on facial Functions: useful in research of yourself to be displayed on least in part, based upon infor- forms, have a greater potential MAN AND expression for communication, into how robots might be your page. You can then use mation from the experts. HAL: to be assimilated into human by looking and acting in an assimilated into human society. the search box to search for 9000, the disembodied comput- culture. MACHINE IS anthropomorphic fashion, then Likeness to humans: a disem- friends that may have entries er aboard the flight in 2001: A The first robots imagined were robots’ development into main- bodied mechanical head, but in Facebook. When you get Space Odyssey, was derived not mechanical, but made of BLURRING stream, commercial culture will can change its facial expres- to their pages you can click from its inventor’s conversa- biological components – with be much easier. sions in conversation. on a link to add them as a tions with one of the pioneers of veins, muscles and organs. The This way, robots like Valerie, a friend. the field of Artificial Intelligence mechanical rendering of the young, attractive, manicured, in the 1950s. machines took place later, and domestic robot who looks like a Robots in This is all well and good but Furthermore, the cast and some early depictions of robots, ” real woman and can perform I don’t know her name so crew of Steven Spielberg’s AI: such as in Fritz Lang’s household cleaning tasks, may the Media how am I going to get to her Artificial Intelligence (2001) con- Metropolis, show the robotic become a part of every familly. page? sulted with chief robotics experts characters as possessing a combi- Or even the recently developed This is where the clever at M.I.T’s (Massachusetts nation of both mechanical and Repliee Q1Expo who looks like a ROBOTS vs MANKIND networking side of the site Institute of Technology) human elements. Japanese woman and can make Rossum’s Universal Robots, comes in. When you look on Humanoid Robotics Laboratory In Capek’s R.U.R, and in several human movements R.U.R (1921): playwright Karl a friend’s page you will notice about the latest advances in the other early representations of including fluttering her eyelids. Capek first created robots. that there are a selection of technology, whilst designing the the robot, what makes us These household cleaning They worked in place of peo- pictures of other people on robots for their film. human had little to do with robots are too expensive for ple and eventually gained the left hand side; they Robotics is now a field which, what we were made of or how most consumers at present, but emotions so that they rebelled represent the people that that unlike many others in science we appeared, rather the hall- the humanoid robot industry is against their human leaders, person is friends with and if and technology, assumes a place mark of humanity was emo- an area predicted to develop leading to the eventual clicked on take you to their of public importance as a result of tion. But nowadays the significantly in the future - destruction of mankind. own pages. In this way you the infamy robots have gained boundary between man and move over Henry. The Matrix Trilogy (from can follow a chain of through popular culture. machine is blurring rapidly as Kathleen plans to run perform- 1999): ‘machines’ have taken friendships from one person But far from their image as robots are designed to react ances of R.U.R in March during over the world and just a few to the next. As you browse being useful slaves to humans, a week of events celebrating 85 human survivors remain to further into a chain of friends robots are designed to perform a years of the robot. protect their city, Zion. the site helpfully shows you huge numbers of complex tasks, how you are connected to the including medical surgery, clean- ROBOTS WORKING FOR person you are currently ing and protecting homes. MANKIND looking at. Last week, Varsity reported Asimov’s I, Robot and other that Addenbrooke’s hospital in books (from 1930s): according This isn’t working terribly Cambridge had started to use to Asimov’s three laws of well. I can’t seem to one of the UK’s first medical robotics, it is impossible for a remember which friends it robots to assist in cancer sur- robot to commit an action was that made up the chain. gery. The three armed Da Vinci which would cause a human I’m not sure life is worth Robotic System, which cost being harm, either intention- living anymore. I must find £1million, can be controlled by ally or unintentionally. The her. surgeons to perform operations books explore the limits of the There is another way to look on cancerous prostate glands three laws, and include a host for people, but it is a bit of a with minimal invasiveness. of human characters including long shot. But whilst in the UK robots a robot psychologist. have been used to assist mostly in Star Wars (1977): depicted Tell me. areas of industry and medicine, robots C3PO and R2D2 as You can do a search by any in Japan, where many of the walking, talking androids term you think might turn up developments in robotics are fighting for good rather than in someone’s description. For emerging, robots are an issue of evil. instance you might like to find national importance. Japanese The Stepford Wives (1975 and all the people who like a robots are being developed to 2004): the men of Stepford certain band or play a certain work entirely in place of people, transform their wives into sport. not just in factories, but in all humanoid robots to be used areas of life, with the intention of for their own purposes. We’ve got another problem. compensating for the inexorable I’ve found her. Now what do demographic shift towards old ROBOTS: THE NEW ANDREW T I do? age that experts predict. MANKIND? Why not start by leaving a Companies and univer- Robots (2005): this animated message on her page? If you sities are now making movie follows the life of one need more help than that the all-purpose robots AM AND OLLY W robot, Rodney Copperbottom, you’ll have to try a fictional that previously only as he becomes an inventor and agony aunt column instead. featured in fiction. fights an evil corporation. ASIMO, a robot pro- Robots are presented as com- duced by Honda, is pletely humanised, having

www.facebook.com marketed as the AINWRIGHT emotions, hopes and aspira- domestic robot of the tions. Doug future, although it cur- McMahon rently has no Zoe Smeaton 11.11.05 Features Varsity 11

Mirror, Mirror 07. Utterly Waisted In high school history classes, the and yet the why and the how go causes and effects of war are unanswered. Our generation is at drummed into students’ minds. the epicentre of a seismic shift Plenty of textbooks explain why a when it comes to both world poli- I remember you well country went into economic tics and waistlines because the decline or how a monarchy was two are intrinsically connected. overthrown. It’s time to realise that The definitive silhouette of our while words can hold our atten- times has yet to emerge but tion, it’s the images that draw one designers are experimenting with to a page. One sees that fashion three shapes in particular, and one changes from chapter to chapter can only speculate as to why. in the Chelsea Hotel

The empire line cinch- Roland Mouret and The 1920s flapper es one just under the Alexander McQueen rebelled against pre- chest. The opulence have drawn in the conceptions of what it that preceded the waist to accentuate meant to be a woman French Revolution led curves; a reflection of and, as a result, her to the Napoleonic the 1960s, when femi- dresses were as loose style, which hides nism encouraged its as her morals. The curves under flowing followers to bear all collections for this drapery. The shape unashamedly. The spring were endless was brought back into shape is now being parades of loose or the foreground of adopted to illustrate abstractly shaped fashion by Galliano at the word ‘womanly.’ A dresses that slouch his spring ‘05 Dior reassertion of the around the female Couture show. Making Western power of the frame. Perhaps a for- wearers look preg- vixen, this shape mal reflection of the nant, is this shape called for models to Islamic burka, the new reflecting our need for be padded at the shape lets one hide old fashion family val- autumn ‘05 shows. secrets behind it and ues, where the This is no longer a addresses the move- woman is celebrated world for flat-chested ments of a modern as a childbearer? little girls. woman. Benj Ohad Seidler a spot of indulgence DERRINGER MICHAEL

Chocolate Amaretto Cake I learnt how to make this while working in a cafe over the summer. It is rich, chocolatey, beautiful and very, very bad for you. As many TOM TRUE colleges do not give us ovens this one is great as you can make it in a fridge instead!

I Ingredients I Instructions 1 pack Amaretti Biscuits 0 - 5 mins - Melt the butter. 2/3 bar Butter Crush biscuits roughly. 1 regular bars Dark Chocolate 5 - 6 mins - Mix together and ROSIE IBBOTSON AND 2 pints Double Cream pour into cake tin. Use hands to BY 2 drops Amaretto or Almond spread the mixture evenly and Essence press down firmly to the base. 1 teaspoon Golden Syrup 6 - 14 mins - Melt chocolate. Whip half the cream until thick and fluffy enough to leave a

PHOTOGRAPHED trail on the surface. I You will need 14 - 16 mins - Add unwhipped Cake Tin w/ removable bottom cream, syrup and Amaretto to Saucepan melted chocolate. Leave on the

STYLED AND Mixing Bowl heat for 2 minutes, stirring. Whisk 16 - 18 mins - Fold mixture Spatula gently into whipped cream, and Knife leave a marbled pattern. Alice wears a Handbag (Faith - £15), Wristband (Sportsworld - £1), Spoon 18 - 20 mins - Pour on top of the biscuit base. Even out the top with spatula and set in Necklace (Cancer Research UK - 60p), Vest (Topshop - £14), Jeans fridge overnight. I Serve With When firm, remove from tin and (Topshop - £40), Belt (River Island Mens - £7) and Cream use a knife to neaten up the Garnish of fruit edges of the cake. Decorate Ring & Bracelet (Model’s Own) with chocolate shavings.

Daisy Black 12 Varsity Features 11.11.05

X’ and ‘Fluff and Weeds’. not bound to specific contexts. I'm not in the zone I have What do you look like? (‘I've recently been listening to the All the heard you're very tall.’ I'm 4’8") Are you a moral person? new Fall LP. I am 6'5" and male. But apart Yes. Answers from that I am sure we are very Where do you get the inspira- similar. Who are your favourite artists? tion for your work? My favourite contemporary God knows. What was the last work that you artists at the moment are made? Andreas Slominski, Maurizio What is your favourite work (of David [see drawing done specially for Cattelan and Gabriel Orozco yours)? Varsity, left] I'm quite proud of the anima- Who are your heroes? tion I have just finished. It's Shrigley What is your greatest fear? Various writers, The Dalai Lama, called ‘Who I Am And What I Loss of people I love, terminal Brian Clough. Want’. I think the last thing I've illness. done is usually my favourite. by Do you listen to music while you What is your idea of perfect work? What are you trying to represent Emily happiness? I tend not to listen to anything in your work? A beautiful woman, a glass of when I'm in 'The Zone'. When Everything. wine and some old episodes of Stokes The Muppet Show.

Your parents were Christian fundamentalists. How do you think this affected you and your ou may have seen David work? Shrigley’s books of post- They still are. I guess it has had Ycards in art gallery book- an influence on my work. I deal shops and in the Guardian week- with a lot of moral issues. I end supplement. He scrawls think Christainity has had a pos- drawings on the back of itive impact on my life, though envelopes and scrunched up bits I'm not a practicing Christian. lined paper and then prints them in hardback coffee-table cata- Do you deliberately misspell logues for Redstone Press under words in your work? the ‘Art/Humour’ category. He’s No, I'm just a poor speller. a trendy artist. But his now widespread suc- How long does it take you to cess hasn’t stopped him from complete a work? feeling like everyone’s own per- Somewhere between 10 min- sonal discovery, and his trendi- A new drawing by David Shrigley, created especially for Varsity utes and a year. ness doesn’t make his work less saic musings on the state of poli- at it so hard that we feel like the powerful. His drawings are like a tics. His sentences don’t make crazy ones. Do you have a political agenda disturbed child’s: pictures of sense and yet they seem to touch in your work? small animals doing dirty things, on deep truths. avid Shrigley was born in I guess my work touches on pol- ‘MISSING’ notices for bizarre But Shrigley’s work also pro- 1968, studied at the itics sometimes. I'd perhaps like bodiless creatures, incompetent vokes the sort of uneasy and hys- DGlasgow School of Art and to deal with political themes self-portraits. His work is terical laughter that comes with now lives and works in Glasgow. more since they occupy a lot of piteously naïve and terrifyingly hearing that someone has tragi- His most recent book, ‘The Book my thoughts, though I guess it's knowing. Some (very serious) cally been eaten by a crocodile. of Shrigley’, contains chapters on difficult because I work very critics say that his ‘bad’ drawings Rather than making us back ‘Rough Beasts’, ‘Catastrophes intuitively and try to make 'uni- stand in for philosophical theory away from his art, thinking that and other events’, ‘The versal' statements as much as of the post-modern age and pro- we don’t understand it, we look Interpretation of Dreams’, ‘S-E- possible; statements which are Fynely Buyer’s Guide : Delis Done Loch Fyne Fish and Oyster Bar - Restaurant Review by Anthony Marlowe and Joe Schutzer-Weissmann round the world in 80 days? Move over Phileas Fogg; I achieved a new record of 2 hours (and on a bike). This might sound like pure hyperbole but in a sense my tour of Cambridge’s delicatessens t is clear that desire and sweet. However, more important- the pudding came drowned in Awas a form of round the world trip. In four shops I encountered the whole of Europe, North demand walk, like the Walrus ly, they respect the food as much sugar and cream, which is how it America, the Middle and Far East, Africa, China and India. Thus, if you love food, I recommend a trip to Iand the Carpenter, “close at as the environment. Good should be. All Saint’s Passage or Mill Road (‘Cambridge’s Islington’) to witness the array of herbs, spice and exotic hand”. Auberon Waugh bitterly seafood needs little or no adulter- It is always depressing to hear delicacies for yourself. tells how his father, Evelyn, ation; the current fashion for customers asking each other “red bought a bunch of bananas, the heavy, complicated sauces and or white?” as if there is so little post-war equivalent of a bunch of spices reared its ugly head only range within the two colours that Arjuna Wholefoods lobsters, and ate them all, one once and that in the form of a they are exclusive to certain food 12 Mill Road after the other, in front of his sali- rather unnecessary cold tomato types. We made the seemingly They say: ‘A worker’s co-oper- vating children. This same Evelyn salsa with Anthony’s scallops. The sensible choice of an oldish Crozes ative & Cambridge's oldest held quail’s eggs as the height of crustaceans themselves were Hermitage to go with our fish, wholefood shop’. Oxford opulence. These days no huge, moist and tasty, fried very expecting something thin and one abuses their children with lightly and briefly on each side. pale with long legs. The damage A shop priding itself on being bananas, nor does Mummy have Like a good Maja, oysters are done by its irascible sedimenty 100% vegetarian, Arjuna to coax the quails into laying early best served undressed, laid on a claws was soon soothed by the Wholefoods has everything non- Italian breads & a large fridge full - both luxury comestibles can be paws of a liquid marmalade cat of Cambridge Cheese meat you could imagine and of tasty-looking cold meats. found on the shelves of a Loupiac which left us smiling Company more. There’s organic vegetables, Sainsbury’s. It is the same with beamishly for the rest of the after- 4, All Saints Passage pulses, beans, fresh bread, Al-Amin Stores “OYSTERS ARE They say: ‘Sell it pure and healthy ready meals and a selec- 100A - 102A Mill Road smoked salmon: now farmed to noon. It is called Clos de Jean and the point where every middle RARER ON THIS comes highly recommended. make it original’. tion of vegetarian wine. In addi- They say: ‘A melting pot of class party is catered for, and apa- LITTLE ISLAND There is a phrase in French, par- tion, this shop has an incredible cuisines’. thy re-emerges. Oysters are ticularly suited to the food critic: Perhaps one of the most fantastic selection of herbs and spices another matter; long gone are the THAN AFRICAN “il raisonne comme un huître” smelling shops I know, the including catnip, lemon grass and Observed from the outside, Al- days when Lewis Carroll could AVOCADOS OR meaning someone who talks Cambridge Cheese Shop sells a mace blades. It’s also worth not- Amin’s supermarket-like front write “And thick and fast they AUSTRALIAN EMU nonsense, presumably because huge range of cheese from ing that a good range of gluten facade belies the veritable came at last/ And more, and BURGERS oysters have mouths but no around Europe.At the moment, free treats are sold! Aladdin’s Cave of goodies it con- more, and more...” Instead oys- heads. After an afternoon at Loch they highly recommend their ceals within. This shop sells an ters are rarer on this little island Fyne we were inclined to envy Vacherin de Mont D’Or which is Limoncello impressive range of food from the than African avocados or them this arrangement. just coming into season and for 212 Mill Road Far East (noodles, sauces, rice), Australian emu burgers. ”luxuriant bed; and that is how Wallace and Gromit fans, they They say: ‘Cambridge's pre- the Middle East (especially Halal Loch Fyne calmly rides out they arrived, on an ice bed fresh- In a nutshell also stock Stinking Bishop. In miere Italian delicatessan’. meat) and South Asian produce. these squalls and storms of food ly redolent of the sea bed from addition, there’s a massive choice Personally, I was most intrigued fashion by sourcing their sea- which they were recently reaped. Where: 37 Trumpington Street of olives (‘England’s largest Packed with cheeses, meats, by the casava and plantain food daily from their namesake in The sashimi salmon was clear and When: 9am-10pm range’), Bonnat Chocolate (pure olives, wine and other goodies, crisps. The deli’s owner was also Contact the Highlands. The fish is line- sharp, a much appreciated diver- : 01223 362 433 cocoa butter and sugar, nothing you won’t regret a cycle to the far rather keen on fair-trade and Prices: £6 - £25 caught each day and the salmon, sion from the eurocentric menu. Food Highlights: Oysters and else), and the owner’s personal side of town. Prices are moderate organic products, which include though farmed, is according to Dorade is a rare thing in England King Scallops passion, honey. Finally, if you like for the quality and if there’s any- lots of interesting vegetables Rick Stein “the closest thing to since we usually call it seabream. spice, pop in for an eye watering thing you want but can’t get, among other things. Words real- wild salmon I’ve ever seen.” The We forgave them this one slip into Wine: Chablis and Loupiac selection of hot chilli sauces. they’ll try and source it for you. ly don’t do this place justice – oysters are grown in the foreshore gastrospeak as soon as the deli- Particular specialities include take a proper look! waters of the loch and the mussels cious, delicate flavour started Ratings on grit-free ropes. This is all very swimming around inside. The Food 8/10 eco-friendly, sustainable and cheeses were ripe and robust and Value 7/10 Lionel Nierop Atmosphere 7/10 11.11.05 Comment Varsity 13

A POLITICAL Watches: Viagra For The Hand CUSU FORMER PRESIDENTIAL Tom A timely reminder on timepieces CANDIDATE Dye

t's easy to say “they've done Tom Kingsley it again”. Disconnected ICUSU, abusing their power and demeaning the intelli- y junk email CALDER SIMON read the time for them- gence of the very students used to be for selves. And that always they should be representing. MViagra, but now looks forced. Especially But of course this is a it’s for replica watches. when you’re near Big polemic, a pointlessly one- This shift in spam sub- Ben or something. dimensional view of how ject probably suggests You shouldn’t care CUSU acts. Wednesday night’s that a cultural change is what your watch looks Open Meeting and the motion afoot. Or at hand. like, and you certainly to withdraw the troops from You see, I sometimes shouldn’t care what it Iraq wasn’t about CUSU abus- read the emails in my says. The important ing its power. But it was spam folder. I have time thing with watches is to about certain individuals on my hands. I literally treat them with a bit of being so convinced of the cor- have time on my hands - disdain. Being on time rectness of their own opinions which is why I take so for things is so last year. that they seek to impress much interest in the Being late is very now. them across the whole stu- junk emails about dodgy Oh yes? dent population. watches. Yes. Fashionable peo- The war in Iraq and Top-up “With these chron- ple have minimalist fees are obviously deeply ometers style you will watches, and fashion- political issues. They are mat- impress with your sharp able people are fashion- ters that cause debate and dis- look on top of things”, ably late. I’m always agreement because they have they say, adding saucily fashionably late, no absolute right answer. On that “it are real impres- because my watch is so matters such as these, each sion for your lover”, fashionable. The strap is individual has the right to before concluding that black, the face is black, make up his own mind, to “our timepiece’s literally the hands are black. It form his own opinion. have CEO written all looks so cool that it’s This is very different from over them”. actually quite hard to (for example) the provision of I don’t think they tell what time it is, and care for those with mental mean literally literally, so by the time I work health problems or of the pro- because that would out what time it is, I’m vision of better sports facili- make it hard to tell the late. ties. These are issues that we time. And I’d also ques- Students are quite can all agree on or at least see tion the argument that happy with budget the rationale for. I’m no thes- you’ll be happier with a watches, of course. But pian, but I utterly support watch that “makes you once they grow up and action by CUSU to ensure that look like a million dol- get a job they become those who do enjoy the stage lars”. “ To subtly show your showy watch to other people, almost as paranoid have the utmost opportunity Attaching a million about watches as they to pursue their passion. dollars to your wrist is you have to do difficult things like hiding all of their do about business cards. My own political views never a good plan. They shouldn’t. include opposition to the war Attaching an imitation watches and all of the surrounding clocks Advertising works by in Iraq, but I wouldn't be so million dollars to your persuading you to buy presumptuous as to seek to wrist is still not a good you could tell the thief solutions. The first is you could only get it off If you want to” subtly things you didn’t know make my personal beliefs the plan. And attaching an that it’s cheap forgery, that you fasten your by amputating the arm. show your showy watch you needed. official policy of 18000 stu- imitation million dollars but then that’s what you watch to your hand with The other solution is just to other people, then All you need from a dents. to your wrist with an would say, wouldn’t a strong lock so that it to get a budget watch. you have to do difficult watch is the time. All Cambridge students are easily detached strap is you? And you’d lose can’t be stolen, or, Not only is it danger- things like hiding all of watches tell the same among the most informed and an even worse plan. If face. Your image as a no- indeed, ever be ous to have a flashy their watches and any time fine. You don’t intelligent members of the you’re trying to impress nonsense CEO would be removed. Over time, the watch, it’s also pointless. surrounding clocks so need a fake Rolex, and public and undoubtedly repre- the man in the street nonsense if you didn’t lock would become Watches are clever only that they have to ask anyway, it’s very sent a multiplicity of different with your watch, you keep up the pretence of superfluous, as the skin because they are so small you what the time is and depressing to be remind- views. It is not for an organi- can rest assured that having a flash watch by would grow round the that they are normally then you obviously can’t ed that you’re a wearing sation that claims to represent you’ll also be impressing trying to stop the armed watch, obscuring its covered by your jacket just tell them what the a forgery every time you all to proclaim a point of view the abnormal man in the robber from robbing face, and it would grad- sleeve. So the only person time is but you actually check the time. Be firm. that cannot be shared by street. The thief (thieves from your arm. ually become grafted who’s going to be looking have to hold out your Spend the money on everyone. are abnormal). Sure, There are only two into your flesh. Then at your watch is you. arm so that they can Viagra. CUSU must be about issues that all students are demon- strably going to gain from. Quite apart from the fact that George Bush doesn't give a monkey's about CUSU's oppo- The Truth According To Who? sition to the war in Iraq, it’s intellectually and morally incorrect for CUSU to be able Perhaps its time to sing from a different hymn-sheet to take positions on issues such as these. CUSU’s official policy and action can only be fair and right if it can reason- Tristran Elby ably be said to be in the bene- ive weeks of Michaelmas term have into town without encountering one or But then, why bother thinking about have to strip away the pretensions that fit of every one of the stu- now elapsed, and, as predictable as more beggars along the way, and with the the other side to every coin when it is so adorn them. This accomplished, doesn't dents that CUSU represents. Fthe next Tory leader being called coming winter doubtless set to kill some much easier to buy into the pre-packaged what’s left seem rather like the ‘hippy’ CUSU can't stop people pre- David, the wheels of student political and elderly people for lack of fuel allowance, is set of opinions that arrived with our ideal of the 1960’s? The calls for better senting motions to open ethical activism are turning. Already the it really appropriate for students to be bay- freshers' pack. Pick an issue, any issue, sexual health services and attacks on the meetings. The onus must student writers of Cambridge have called ing for more money to be spent on cater- and you will find a pleasantly simplistic defence industry can effectively be therefore be on each individ- for ethical investment policies from their ing for their reckless sexual habits? reaction waiting for you to spout on reduced to ‘make love not war’, while ual not to misuse the organi- colleges and highlighted the apparent Considerations like these never seem demand. Going back to the heart-warm- students’ traditional hostility towards the sation for his or her own need for increased sexual health provi- to enter the uncomplicated minds of the ingly topical subject of Islamic extremism, security services is not even an ethical ends. There is undeniably a sion. But as the burning issues of the day activists, as they sail blithely on to the we can see the tell-tale intellectual mini- view, it’s just the hippies’ irrational dislike certain demographic that get campaigned on, pontificated and next ‘issue’. Colleges investing in British malism that such black and white think- of the establishment masquerading as attends CUSU meetings, and protested about, is there anyone else who arms manufacturers? Outrageous! How ing brings. What do we think about the ‘resistance to authoritarianism’. there is a real and distinct detects a whiff of insincerity about the can our institutions support such murder- Jihad movement? Well, they're extrem- During the Cold War, hippie danger that only certain opin- whole thing? Don’t many of the common ous companies, doubtless bent on profit- ists aren't they. All of them. Of course escapism might have been a viable ions are reflected in CUSU’s student activist pre-occupations seem to ing from the misery of the third world? they are, the ethical student thinks to option for students, but in 2005 it does actions. be wearing a bit thin? Looking cool in their rose-tinted eyewear, himself, basing his decision wholly on the not cut the mustard any more than 60’s I sympathise with those Take calls for more sexual health provi- the ‘politically aware’ student never sees fact that such individuals are impertinent hairstyles do. With the underground- working in CUSU. They are sion. There is the usual story of a mean the defence industry’s tradition of loyal enough to challenge the status-quo that bombing variety of Islamism and the well-intentioned people that government under-investing in services service to the nation, nor the good the students themselves lack the imagina- crude racism of the BNP on the rise, have a deep belief that they that leave the poor, impoverished, iPod wrought by British forces able to rely on tion to question. ‘Extremists’ are natural- there is a need for student politics to can achieve real changes that owning, students having to wait up to a indigenously produced weapons, such as ly driven by crass motives and bigoted break out of this current and very shal- will make the lives of fortnight for a GUM clinic appointment. the defence of the Falklands against fas- intolerance, and this being assumed, all low paradigm, with its faux passion and Cambridge students better. The solution is straightforward: the gov- cism, or the stabilisation of Sierra Leone. possibility of a sophisticated view of rotary-club charity agenda. Given the Headlines caused by motions ernment needs to put its hand in its pocket With African governments struggling to Islamic militancy, or anything else for that murderous intent of the worst of our such as that put on and provide the first class treatment that control Islamic extremism, the role that matter, disappears. generation that we saw in July, isn’t it Wednesday only detract from Cambridge students deserve. But how eth- British arms can play in bringing stability To find the real root, however, of most time for the best to start acquiring some the good work that CUSU ical is this campaign? When you can’t go also seems to be overlooked. of the ethical views of students, you first ‘passionate intensity’ of their own? really can do. 14 Varsity Comment 11.11.05 TOM KINGSLEY

lot has gone wrong in the Past, I’ll be the first to admit that. It Aseems to me that quite a lot is going wrong in the Present, too. Quid pro quo, the Future’s going to be a bit shoddy too. Spaceships sound good, but they’ll probably end up just further demean the proletariat, as will the three course meals in pill form. I used to enjoy the past, but I can’t say I really enjoy it much at the moment, and I can’t really see myself ever enjoying it again. Which is sad. But then, I’ve always got the memo- ries. But my memories are so clouded by the past, and episodes of popular sitcoms that I get confused into think- ing happened to me. It’s important to have a decent grasp of history. So we know what mistakes have been made before, and exactly how to go about making them again best. You can learn about histo- ry from reading books or, more excit- ingly, from watching telly. On telly, his- tory is all about a man walking through fields and castles looking at you and New anti-terror laws could mean that libraries offering the Koran would be committing a criminal offence talking. Book history is more creepy – there are all these words, but you’ve got no idea where they’re coming from. For Pity’s Sake, Give War A Chance Better than both telly and book his- tory is re-enactment history. Why not join a re-enactment society and be Need careers advice? Think: what would Batman do? hired for events in and near castles?

Most re-enactments are of battles, but e've all got the same problem; ern war. I'm not suggesting that, instead Along came cannons, and uniforms that Olaf there is an increasing amount of re- and no, its not gonorrhoea. Just of getting on the Milk Round, we should didn't involve a cape, and suddenly all the enactments of other historical events Wlike an STD, however, this prob- be firing rounds. Not in the slightest. romance was gone, and poets were stuck and pre-historical events. The pre-his- lem hovers over one’s time at Cambridge, What I'm lamenting is the long-lost time having to write about, you know, love and torical events are rubbish, because it’s waiting to announce itself with an unex- when a man, or a particularly well-dis- the natural world. It just doesn't cut the easier to dress up as a roundhead pectedly painful trip to the toilet. Unlike guised and adventurous woman, could mustard. Admittedly there have been than a dinosaur. Unfortunately for the an STD, cranberry juice won’t help. don some shiny metal, jump on a horse exceptions; before everyone cottoned on

spectators, it’s a lot more exciting to Which is a shame. But enough of the and ride off into a sunset of derring-do. to how god-awful it was, the First World Henricson-Bell dress up as a dinosaur. So the sight of painful analogy. I am talking, of course, Arthur's knights had the same choice that War was a half-decent subject. Now we grown men rollicking around fields about the problems of deciding what faces us - they could have sat in the have nothing. No mid-Eighties poet is wrapped in green crepe paper and exactly to do with our lives. counting house counting our their money, going to pen an epic called the grinning as they roar will only become The choices are manifold: Who are we or become mysterious monks - but they Falklandiad after all. Instead we turn more frequent. going to marry / divorce / impregnate? inwards and examine the minutiae of There’s a local re-enactment socie- Where are we going to do this marrying / what remains. But I don't want to. I don't ty in my home-town of Runntlekunt. divorcing / impregnating? And, especially want to revel in the beauty of the every- And you’re right, there is of course no for the senior citizens amongst us, what “ day. Joyce can fuck off with his worship of such place. Nevertheless. are we going to use to fill up the time It is precisely bodily functions. There’s about 12 people in the between marriage / divorce / impregna- because we lack Batman, on the other hand - now he group, but you’d swear there were tion? had the right idea. Reject the place socie- more if you watched one of their bat- Of course, we’re told, what one does for the opportunity to ty grants you; travel to mysterious and

tle re-enactments. This is simply a living doesn't define us. But we all know geographically inaccessible locations; because they’re very fast. On Sunday that's a lie. A dentist, is a dentist, is a den- really be significant while there make sure to exaggerate con-

they meet round a large table to dis- tist. He isn’t a plumber; or if he is, he is a - to matter - that flicting, emotionally repressed aspects of cuss what battles to re-enact. They re- bad one. He should stick to being a den- yourself; and, hey presto, you are a fully enact the battle on the Tuesday. On tist. Each year 4,000 finalists wander the functioning vigilante. We accept Batman's we choose“ to the Thursday they re-enact one of streets pondering how best to become the extra-legal methods: his jet propelled their Sunday meetings, but in front of people they dream of being. For most of venerate the past vehicle cleaving mile-wide holes in the a paying audience. this group the decision will be framed by ozone layer, his glorified torch garishly Their most popular meeting is the the choice between selling out to the City, lighting up the sky while we’re trying to 10th March 1988, where Carl and and enduring the existence of a commut- sleep. And why? Because he is ‘more than John have a bit of a squabble over ing automaton, or being self-consciously also had this third option that we lack; a man,’ and, crucially, more than us. The whether to re-enact the battle of left-field and making a career out of one going off to fight. bastard. Hastings or the battle of the Bulge. of a variety of (possibly homeopathic) How about a revolution? A revolution Of course, all this is indulgent tosh that John wins. Geoff’s off in Wales activities, like teaching. Or saving seals. would do. Revolutions, like war, strip exalts the worst parts of human history. because it’s the kids’ half term, and a For us the 'world of opportunity' can be away the small scale, the mundane, and But that is, largely, the point. It is because few people say some things they reduced to these two options; we must be let participants live a life of raised signifi- we lack the opportunity to really be sig- probably wouldn’t to his face. The good, poor and hemp-clad, or bad, rich cance. It's the absence of this different nificant - to matter - that we venerate the irony is, of course, that Geoff is usual- and SUV-driving. gear that characterizes our comfortable past. Even in an environment like ly in the re-enactment, playing Brian, And yet it wasn't always like this. There lives. Not for us the world of change and Cambridge, where you can smell the drive because Brian left a couple of years used to be another option; one that possibility; we have David Blunkett's res- to succeed wafting over you like oil at a back to set up a Bed and Breakfast in offered something different, something ignation and the education white paper to petrol station, it is often hard to keep in a village close to the South of France. with a wider spread of possibility. consider. Not for us a St Crispin's day to mind why we jump through the hoops There’s some real excitement at the War. live in the memory, we have to pay back placed before us like particularly faithful end of the meeting when it turns out Now, I know what you're thinking dear our debt and save for a deposit on a lions. What is the hazy goal that we are Tony forgot to take the minutes. Which reader, and I beg for your patience. We all house. hoping to one day reach? begs the question, how can we be know that war, just like drugs, is bad. But Think about it. Now that we don't fight We're lucky to be living where and sure of the accuracy of the re-enact- that being said, give it a chance. What, for wars (real wars, I mean; Iraq doesn’t when we do. Cambridge is a blessed place ment we’re watching? Such queries instance, about a teensy-weensy little count) we are forced into smaller scale and, for us, life is simple and good. It's just are quickly forgotten, though, when one? Just for fun. roles. The same thing happened to poetry that maybe simple and good isn't always the dinosaurs come into the meeting Because we aren't talking about mod- somewhere in the eighteenth century. enough. and cause mayhem and madness! It’s hilarious, and you really must go! Make headlines. Both in the sense of doing something pretty impressive and actually writing some headlines. See page 15.

Editor James Dacre [email protected] Chief News Editor Amy Goodwin [email protected] Features Editor Jon Swaine [email protected] Varsity has been Cambridge’s Section Meeting Times: Arts Editor Ned Beauman [email protected] Sports Editor Joe Speight [email protected] Online Editor Jon Hewer [email protected] independent student newspaper since News - The Munby Room, King’s: 7pm, Sundays 1947, and distributes 10,000 free copies Music - King’s Bar 4pm, Friday Business Manager Chris Adams [email protected] Production Ifti Qurashi, Michael Derringer [email protected] Associate Editors to every Cambridge college and APU Adam Edelshain, Jessica Holland, Mungo Woodifield [email protected] Arts Commissioning Editor Emma Paterson [email protected] Literature - Tatties, Trinity St: 2pm, Friday weekly. Varsity is proud to be the holder Comment - The Eagle, 8.30pm, Monday Company Secretary Patricia Dalby [email protected] of numerous student media awards and a vast number of alumni now working in Contact section editors (left) to get involved News Editors Rachel Divall, Joseph Gosden, Jude Townend, Sophie Hauptfuhrer [email protected] Interviews Editor Emily Stokes with other sections. [email protected] Investigations Editor Zoe Pilger [email protected] Science and Analysis Editors Zoe Smeaton and Krystina international media. Varsity also publishes BlueSci magazine, The Mays, and an Larkham [email protected] Comment Editor Olaf Henricson-Bell [email protected] Opinion Editor Adam Swersky [email protected] online edition at www.varsity.co.uk, and Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Ltd. Satire Editor Luke Roberts [email protected] Web Content Douglas McMahon [email protected] Restaurants Anthony Marlowe and Joe broadcasts weekly on CUR1350. Schutzer-Weissman [email protected] Food and Drink Lionel Nierop and Wendy Tsang-Man Pun [email protected] Fashion EditorsTom and printed by Cambridge Evening News. All True and Rosie Ibbotson,Quentin Jones, Lucy Minyo and Aisha Speirs Fashion Content Benjamin Seidler [email protected] Varsity Publications Ltd. copyright is the exclusive property of Varsity Publications Ltd. No part of this publication is Board of Directors: Literature Editors Tom Kingsley, Alison Pearce [email protected] Music Editors Mary Bowers, Sam Blatherwick [email protected] Theatre to be reproduced, stored on a retrieval system Editors Laura Draper, Jenny Lee [email protected] Visual Arts Miriam Foster, Jonathan Yarker [email protected] Screen Editors Carly Dr. Michael Franklin (Chair), Prof. Peter or submitted in any form or by any means, Farthing, Hanna Briggs [email protected] Robinson, Mr Tim Harris, Ms Katy Long, without prior permission of the publisher. Photographer Jamie Marland [email protected] Chief Sub-editors David Marusza, Louise Williamson Sub-editors Rosalind Earis, Rebecca Mr Tim Moreton, Mr Tom Wilkie, Mr Ifti © Varsity Publications Ltd, 2005. Greig, Tom Aizlewood Graphics Adam Welch, Tom Kingsley, Tom Windley [email protected] Qurashi, Mr James Dacre, Mr Tom 11-12 Trumpington St.,Cambridge CB2 2PH. Walters and Mr Jon Hewer Tel: (01223) 353422 Fax: (01223) 352913 11.11.05 Comment Varsity 15 Correspondence email us: [email protected] Another side or write to: Varsity, 11-12 Trumpington Street, Cambridge CB2 1QA CUSU: the farce incompetence worthy of “Yes “Ents Manager”, for not being Letters There will always be things that are illegal, and an underworld will goes on and on Minister”. aware of his agenda in office, yet always develop to market them. Partly because witnessing drug push- For all its talk of streamlining alone of his election. by the general election, where ing in the city has required our team to spend nights in graveyards and and becoming more accessible the Tory vote dropped from back alleys, but more on account of some of the characters concerned, Dear Sir, to the students of this Mike Talbot 23% to 16.5% this investigation into Cambridge’s drug culture has proved a sinister University, the various positions Ranald Lawrence No banishment is required. Reading the story about Martin of CUSU are as impenetrable as Jesus College one; an example of a less positive way in which the worlds of town Arrowsmith on the front page of any of the quangos currently Seth Thevoz and gown can overlap. your newspaper last week gracing the halls of Westminster. Chair, Cambridge Student (Varsity News, 4th November), we Drew Livingstone's advice to The banished and Liberal Democrats Students have always been renowned for their ‘drink and drugs’ cul- were unsure of whether to Martin Arrowsmith that his role the banishers ture. And though it is certainly not fair to lump all students into one laugh or cry. It seems reason- was “very important and it is stereotype - particularly in a University like our own with its huge able to say that CUSU is not really what the person in office Don’t knock our variety of attitudes, cultures and beliefs - our investigation into the even capable, to dust off that old makes it”, is a contradiction in Dear Sir, master availability and usage of drugs by students in Cambridge certainly pres- cliché, of organising a piss up in terms worthy of the illustrious ents surprising results. It is often labeled a ‘safe’ city, a town where a brewery. president of the United States Regarding Richard Sidey's letter what you see is what you get. But, like anywhere, there is ‘another’ For those who are still uncer- himself. (Varsity Letters, 4th November),I Dear Sir, Cambridge that many people are unaware of. Our drug investigation - tain of whether or not this dis- And, frankly, petulant com- never suggested “banishing” the not to mention our recent insights into crime and physical attacks in tinguished body is more than a ments of our beloved President Tories from Cambridge political Perhaps Zoe Pilger should have the city - reveals that Cambridge cannot be taken at face value and list of meaningless titles (for should come as no surprise from life - they seem to have done an spoken to some students before although it is obviously important not to ‘scaremonger’, it is equally prospective management con- someone who, when asked admirable job of it themselves. she decided to attack some col- important that every student is aware of these ‘other cultures’. The sultants to show their future before election what made her The fact is that the lege masters - including Emma's City employers that, yes, they different from the other two Conservatives continue to do Lord Wilson of Dinton- in her long term effects of and results of such apparently extreme drug use indeed did do something more candidates, could only come out worst of all in cities - Aberdeen, news piece last week (Varsity are probably yet to be seen, but we hope that by delving into these at university than anything pro- with the laughable and quite Bath, Birmingham, Blackpool, News, 4th November). rarely-glimpsed subcultures, we can present an honest and realistic ductive), the vacuous drivel that honestly irrelevant observation Bristol, Cambridge, Cardiff, If she had asked anyone at insight into the town, the society and the world we all live in. Perhaps spewed out of several CUSU that she was anatomically Colchester, Edinburgh, Leeds, Emma we would have all told the very fact that Cambridge students are seemingly so unaware of mouths this week is the ultimate endowed in ways her fellow Leicester, Manchester, her that Lord Wilson is incredi- national drug trends as to pay vastly overpriced amounts for their proof that it is not. candidates were not. Newcastle, Oxford, Sheffield, bly popular and makes a very drugs is a sign that the problem is not a serious one amongst students. It reads like a farcical outtake At least our new Southampton, Swindon and active and wholly positive con- More likely, it describes the affluence of the average drug taker here. from the best of “Bremner, Bird Entertainments Officer David others were all once tribution to the life of the col- and Fortune”. That the Clough has no illusions about Conservative cities, yet none of lege. What seems certain is that these different worlds are unlikely to sink “Education”, “Academic his role in CUSU, that of bring- them elect a single Tory MP out of existence, however far off the students’ radars they remain. Affairs”, and “Higher Education” ing Indie back to Cambridge. between them. Bobby Friedman Officers cannot agree on their We only hope that, should he CUCA remains a pleasant Emmanuel College respective roles far exceeds the feel it necessary to co-ordinate social organisation, but has yet bounds of Number 10 charade with him, he can find it in him- to be taken remotely seriously Letters may be edited for to reach preposterous levels of self to forgive Nikhil Shah, our in a political role, as witnessed style or space

Dear Sir, prize sketch for a Footlights punction when embarking upon Smoker is nowhere near as per- a theoretical inquiry. I agree with Ned Beauman meable as they'd like to pretend, Frankly, given the opportuni- (Varsity Comment, 4th November) and anybody who has sat ty, Mr Beauman would be a fool when he asserts the fact that the through CUSU Council will to turn down the Apostles Apostles “are no longer the sub- acknowledge how ineffectual a (should they exist). Anybody ject of any excitement shows dissenting opinion is. with a rational spirit would how far Cambridge has come”, Unlike the old elites, a greater realise that there would be but for diametrically opposed majority of the modern protago- nothing to lose in such an invi- reasons. The increasing extinc- nists are self-appointed. The tation, an invitation that could tion of intellectual celebrity opportunity to become involved ultimately be terminated at any within the Cambridge institu- within an elite has expanded point should he so wish to do so. tion is appalling. extensively, to the detriment of We should never let our ideals Elites are unavoidable and the greater good. Elites have lost get ahead of our experiences. thus a necessity. Our only alter- their ability at quality control - native is a society operating what now exists is a malevolent, William Barrett upon ungovernable subjective- autogenic quasi-intellectual Secretary of The Perne Club social meta-values (“right to growth. opportunity”, etc.), where we The elite is more unjustifiable thereby admit an essential bore- than it has ever been. The Letters of the Letters of the dom, impatience, and exhaus- Cambridge system, and to a cer- tion with critical dialogue. tain extent modern society, suf- Week win a spe- Week Elites still exist in Cambridge, fers from an acute case of star- cially selected but they are no longer as for- strickenness. Great institutions bottle from our mally organised, which makes such as the debating and jour- them infinitely more dangerous. nalism have abandoned their friends at The old elitist establishment philanthropic roots for vaudevil- Cambridge Wine have been usurped by a new lian novelty and senseless Merchants, Mourning the breed - the ADC rep, the Varsity lifestyle enhancement. At least old elite dilettante, the Rugby blue - who with the old elitist societies, King's Parade are no less impartial than their there was a level-headedness editor predecessors. Auditioning your and sense of intellectual com- “...this would never happen if I’d gone to Durham” could you The Last Word This Week: When the Town dons a Gown

take control? here tends to be an state of my room, rearranged them it is merely a half-an-hour Laura Pearson inevitable moment in my furniture and stocked my round trip on a Sunday morn- conversation with fridge with vegetables. ing. When I forget something replaced by unroadworthy lan- Tany new acquain- And I dreaded the moments crucial, it’s only a short cycle- guage students with matching tance. It goes some- when, hung-over and mid-essay ride away. And towards the end bikes and backpacks, I must If you think you can oversee the thing like, “…so you actually crisis on a Saturday morning, I of term, when hunger strikes revert back to a former time. production of 100,000 award-winning live in Cambridge? Oh. Didn’t would nip to Sainsbury’s for and the bank balance is danger- For the duration of the holi- you want to go somewhere sustenance, and, lo and behold, ously low, a home-cooked feast days, “Cindy’s” updates its newspapers next term, email else?...” Well, no. Evidently, I there were my grandparents on is only twenty minutes down name to “Ballare”, Sainsbury’s [email protected] for an application didn’t. I don’t need to extol the a leisurely weekend shop, so I the road. Everyone’s invited, sales temporarily plummet, and virtues of the university. would feel obliged to stop to Mum doesn’t mind. it is no longer even vaguely form or to get more info before Presumably that’s why everyone have a painfully slow conversa- Strangely enough, I’m not acceptable to wander into town November 15th at 5pm. else is here. tion while my deadline crept bored of Cambridge, quite the in pyjamas. Admittedly, there were some ever closer. It’s at moments like contrary. The city itself has So, why didn’t I get away? initial moments of frustration. I this that I found myself thinking taken on a whole new identity. I There’s plenty of time to do that Details about how to apply to edit quickly put a stop to my moth- “this would never have hap- am embarrassed by the number later. At the moment I wouldn’t other sections in Varsity will appear in er’s impromptu visits at incon- pened if I’d gone to Durham.” of times. As a resident, I’d never be anywhere else. It’s ironic that venient moments. “I was just It does have its advantages. seen the bicycle stampede down the friends I have from school, next week’s issue. passing”, she would say, “and When friends recount tales of Castle Hill at 8.55am; I’d never who are now at Oxford, are thought I’d pop in for a quick their great three-day expedi- seen the May Bumps; I didn’t go often asked why they didn’t stay cup of tea…” Several hours later tions to Edinburgh to move into to Gardis. in Cambridge. Apparently, if Make headlines! she’d still be lingering, having and out of their rooms, my par- But when the end of term Oxbridge is the name of the fussed about the “disappointing” ents can smugly remark that for arrives and the undergrads are game, the locals cannot win. 16 Varsity Arts 11.11.05 11.11.05 Arts Varsity 17

Before Sunset PICK ##### OF THE POLYMATHS Marzipan: The Ego has landed excellent pre- Christmas fare. Folklore says it was invented in the Do the polymaths of the arts world have their fingers in too many pies? German town of Lubeck when a long siege left them with- Emma Paterson finds out. out any supplies n 1997, Vincent Gallo films by describing him as Bono, and, of course, her- except sugar and wrote a controversial “a fat pig with the physique self. To the critics she could almonds. Others Iarticle for Grand Royal of a slave trader”. Yet he only hope to defy, believe it was invent- BUFFALO ‘66 (1998): What Magazine, the much antici- burst into tears when his Christensen’s photographic Gallo did right. Vincent Gallo pated publication from New most recent cinematic endeavours seemed nothing ed centuries earlier wrote, directed, starred in, and York City born hip-hop sen- endeavour, Brown Bunny, but the halfhearted and in Persia composed for, this poetic vision sation, the Beastie Boys. was derided at the 2003 futile attempt of a pretty of love and self-loathing in a Revealing his polymathic talents to the world once again, Ethan Hawke joins writer-director The piece took the form of Cannes Film Festival. Is this face to intellectualise her Richard Linklater, and co-star Julie Delpy, in the composition of the screenplay for the long small American town. an interview with himself, really a defiant artist with a image. awaited sequel to Before Sunrise. The first film was an idealistic vision in which two young and began by asserting, calling, or a self-absorbed But it can go to plan. This strangers meet on a train, fall in love in a day, then depart from one another with the promise “The best interview of toddler with his finger in week,Varsity reviews The that they’ll meet again six months later. In Before Sunset, the lovers, played flawlessly by Hawke Vincent Gallo was done by too many pies? Gallo has Proposition (below), a high- and Delpy, are reunited ten years later in Paris, and spend two hours together before Hawke has Vincent Gallo. The best arti- only one celebrated artistic light of this year’s London to catch his flight to New York. The product is a wistful, melancholic revisiting of a love that cles about Vincent Gallo achievement: the independ- Film Festival, scripted by never was, with a fading idealism and a mourning for the passage of time. According to writers Linklater, Hawke and Delpy, much of the film’s dialogue was improvised, were written by Vincent ent masterpiece, Buffalo ’66 musician, Nick Cave. Cave allowing the interaction between the protagonists a natural and organic quality. It was clearly an This column: Gallo, the best acting per- (1998), which was hailed by also composed the film’s effective method; Before Sunset was nominated for the Best Adapted Screenplay award at this formance of Vincent Gallo critics as one of the best score, and as a result, lyrics year’s Oscars, and received nine other screenwriting nominations at film festivals across the t wo weeks ago, was directed and edited by films of the nineties. And from the soundtrack occa- world. we recommend Fizzy Vincent Gallo from a seemingly, there the talent sionally drift into the dia- Emma Paterson Fish. The shelves of screenplay written by stops. What was intended as logue. The critics responded Sainsbury’s have Vincent Gallo. So you see, well. Nick Cave, they been empty of them this is painful for me. I'm claimed, offered “a superb THE BROWN BUNNY (2003): better off interviewing script, comparable to his practically ever since. What Gallo did wrong. The myself. Imagine getting to unassailable musical output: We rule you plotless, formless road movie interview myself. I'd be so at turns unforgiving and with that blowjob, and those excited, I'd shit my pants.” brutal, at others, romantic ridiculing Cannes Film A Modest And as we approach the and tender,” proving that a Festival critics. THE FUTILE BPitch middle of the “interview”, straddling of multiple art Control: perhaps assuming that we ATTEMPT OF forms could as easily lead to wild German had missed his original “A PRETTY greater depth as it could to electro/techno label point, Gallo offers a helpful dilution. Likewise, Ethan summary: “God, I do it all. I FACE TO Hawke, inspired by his run by the mysteri- glow like a ray of light is experiences as a young, Proposal ous beauty Ellen around me. A kind of INTELLECTU- aspiring actor in New York Allien. Jesus." City, decided to put pen to Cut-price Vincent Gallo, then, is a ALISE paper in 1996 in the form of Carly Farthing is left unconvinced by Nick label self-confessed polymath his debut novel, The Hottest compila- extraordinaire. He writes, HER IMAGE State, which critics deemed Cave’s screenwriting debut The Proposition directs, and composes, “An oddly affecting and tions graces us with his art and emotionally raw account of rom its creative credentials, John simply linger on the majestic desolation of the Camping STRANGELAND (2005): Tracey photography, and has made a world inescapably con- Hillcoat’s period “Australian western” outback, Hillcoat can’t resist the same hack- Emin’s newly released autobi- and Camping 2 out all such treasures devastat- tracted”. However, follow- Fshould be a great film. A script and neyed sunset again and again. ography has been met with sur- now ingly accessible on his offi- ing in the publicity footsteps soundtrack from legendarily twisted musician The acting is a decidedly mixed bag. Both prised, but rave, reviews. Nick Cave; the stunning backdrop of the Pearce and Huston are mesmerising actors, cial website – which he runs a multifaceted artistic career of Helena Christensen – Antipodean wilderness; central performances whose rugged, impassive faces (pretty-boy and updates himself, and has proved little more than albeit this time with a story Milan from two of the finest actors working outside of Pearce in particularly has been roughed up a has cunningly entitled “The a narcissistic path to self- of critical success - Hawke Obrenoviç II: Hollywood these days, Guy Pearce and Danny treat by the make-up department) demand Prince of official website for Vincent promotion. Should Gallo, claims that he “never want- Huston, and a supporting cast including Emily your full attention. Pearce does ‘silently dam- Gallo by Vincent Gallo”. As ”and so many other poly- ed to be a movie star”, hop- Watson and Ray Winstone. So why is The aged’ like no-one else, and Huston, who was Serbia, 1819-1839. I gloss over the website’s maths of his generation, ing that his role in the mod- Proposition ultimately so deeply disappointing? stunning in Bernard Rose’s LA nightmare He ruled Serbia for various links, browsing simply accept that less really ernized version of Hamlet The main problem lies with Cave’s screen- ivansxtc, is as commanding as ever, yet both two weeks at the end Gallo’s filmography and is more? (2000) displayed sufficient play. The story – police captain Winstone are ultimately sabotaged by their own “Oirish” of his life, but was delving into a musical histo- Recently, former super- intellectual climbing to con- threatens to execute outlaw Pearce’s younger accents. As anyone who’s seen Far and Away ry written as diary entries, I model Helena Christensen vince us that he’s telling the brother unless he himself hunts down the or Barry Lyndon can attest, an affected semi-comatose for wonder whether this was met with uproar among truth. psychopathic elder one – has great potential Hollywood-Irish brogue is nearly always guar- all that time, and

unabashed self-aggrandise- the residents of Sydney, For the artistic polymath, TOM WINDLEY to be an epic tale of familial loyalty against a anteed to jar - even in the mouth of a talented may never ment is at least imbued with who responded with indig- it’s a tough balancing act to bleak backdrop of violence and loneliness in mimic like Pearce who has successfully dis- have THE HOTTEST STATE (1996): a conscious sprinkling of nation at the news that she tread carefully, but it can be the Outback, but Cave is a musician, not a guised his native Aussie in nearly all of his For your tortured kicks, pick up realised irony. But it’s hard to tell. had been contracted to done. William Blake (right) writer. From the haunting lyrical quality of mainstream efforts – and here is no exception. Ethan Hawke’s debut novel, that he The site’s homepage bran- spend two days creating a did it, as did Andy Warhol, his songs, he may have seemed the ideal can- The film is at its strongest when it follows the and follow William, a 90s rendi- didate, but his script is leaden, uninspired, brothers’ tense Outback reunion, but unfortu- dishes a black and white photographic study of Bob Dylan and Madonna. was the tion of Holden Caulfield, in the When polymathy is discussed in relation to William Blake, most peo- and occasionally downright clichéd (witness nately the larger proportion of screen time is portrait of Gallo bearded, Norton Street, the restau- After all, with the celebrity ruler midst of an ugly relationship Spotlight on William Blake ple will comment that he was a poet, and also a painter (mainly an Winstone gazing out to the heat-blurred hori- incongruously given to follow Winstone and dishevelled, and somewhat rant and café hub of will always come the ego, with singer-songwriter, Sarah. engraver) and that these skills were complementary. This is all true, zon and intoning “Australia…what fresh hell Watson’s domestic crisis. This is a real shame, reminiscent of a Sydney’s Little Italy. Mayor and with the ego, the desire and his contribution to poetry and visual art alone would be enough is this”). It ambitiously aims to simultaneously because both turn in contrived performances Dostoevskian tragic hero. Alice Murphy told the press, for ubiquity. Ethan Hawke to establish him as one of the foremost artistic polymaths that the follow Pearce’s dreamlike journey through the that are tediously obvious and laboured in The photograph is not cred- “It wasn’t my idea to get a told one journalist he was world has seen. But recognising only these talents sells Blake short. hostile landscape whilst charting the inner comparison to the near-silent magnetism dis- ited, but given the mal- supermodel to take the pho- considering a screen adapta- He was a satirist, visionary, Biblical scholar, moral philosopher, critic anguish of Winstone’s damaged captain as he played by the leads. Somewhat surprisingly for leability of artistic talent tographs. We could have got tion of his novel. “I wonder of empiricist thought, champion of the underprivileged in society, and attempts to suppress Aboriginal renegades and actors who have done good work previously, that the website is intended a local photographer, but if anyone has ever done enjoyed reading Milton in his garden in the nude. To encompass all of withstand pressure from both his naïve wife they’re often just plain bad. John Hurt’s griz- to display, one can only we wouldn’t get the media that?” he pondered, with a the various strands of his thought (although possibly not the naked (Watson) and local landowner David zled bounty hunter pops up to egregiously CB2: assume that Gallo has taken attention.” And had they welcome self-awareness, Milton), he managed to construct an entirely new cosmology, sepa- Wenham, yet this dual perspective only serves munch the scenery, but is mercifully given lit- not to be con- it himself - and without a done so, neither would “Adapted their own novel, rate from and critical of the schools of rationalism and empiricism that to muddle and confuse the film further, pre- tle screen time. fused with love- satirical tongue in his Christensen. Christensen starred in it and directed it? he despised. Along with creating, amongst others, the figures of venting it from having any sense of cohesion. Ultimately, The Proposition fudges its explo- ly coffee shop/book- cheek. claims that she began pho- Sounds like too much, does- Urizen, Los and Ololon (and providing the basis for an entire industry The fascinating issue of the racial tensions in ration of the outlaw mindset, never really real- shop CB1 on Mill of commentary on them) he gave Satan a new spin and tried to marry 1880s Australia – epitomised when an ising the intriguing potential of the extent of This is a man who claims tography before modelling, n’t it? A little too much like Road, this that art is his calling; does but it’s difficult not to lend looking in the mirror”. Heaven and Hell. The full title of the most famous of his works per- Aboriginal collaborator kills an indigenous the three brothers’ depravity. It’s a shame, rebel – also remain frustratingly vague and because just occasionally there are flashes of cafe/restaurant on not think twice about pub- a skeptical ear to her justifi- Perhaps Vincent Gallo haps allows a greater insight into Blake's ambition and his accom- THE PROPOSITION (2005): plishment. The Songs of Innocence and of Experience aimed to relegated to the background. For a film with excellence – the powerful cicada-like drone sec- licly wishing cancer upon cations, particularly when should take a leaf out of Norfolk Street sells Nick Cave’s screenwriting show the Two Contrary States of the Human Soul. And, like all great such a mythically brutal and beautiful back- tions of Cave’s soundtrack, a close-up of artists whose work he does her exhibitions are pep- Hawke’s (bestselling) book. great food and hosts debut is a bushranger western artistic polymaths, his genius was almost totally ignored in his life- drop that couldn’t fail to provide its own Huston’s feral face gazing out of his cave - that with an impeccable cast, which not respect; and proudly pered with the faces of close time. emotional power if filmed starkly, it’s remark- hint at how good Hillcoat’s film could have very intimate gigs includes Guy Pierce, Emily dismissed the comments of celebrity friends such as Olly Batham ably fussy. When the camera is content to been. A sad disappointment. Watson and Ray Winstone. a critic who ridiculed his REM’s Michael Stipe, U2’s www.vincentgallo.com 18 Varsity Arts 11.11.05 LIGHTS,CAMERA,LONDON Dispatches from The Times BFI 49th London Film Festival The three hundred and seven- François Ozon's return After his apprenticeship at the cast (Béart, Deneuve etc) that ty one screenings on offer at In conversation with Guy Pearce to this year's BFI prestigious FEMIS film school, established Ozon on the inter- this year’s London Film Tuesday 28th October saw the have emerged from Australia, London Film Festival under the guidance of Eric national scene. A musical romp Festival provided plenty of National Film Theatre play host Guy Pearce, as part of The Times with Le temps qui reste Rohmer, Ozon proceeded to adapted from the stage, 8 scope for cineastes to sample to one of one of the most versa- 'Screen Talk' series of events in is a reminder, should make a huge number of experi- Femmes's colourful abundance the most current and contro- tile and engaging leading men to association with the 2005 we need one, that this mental short films throughout of cinematic in-jokes, inter- versial in film from across the London Film Festival. hugely prolific Parisian the nineties. However, it was texts and homage to 1950's globe. However, for many, the In town to promote his new director is one to not until the release of Sitcom Hollywood is a far cry from the events rather than the films film, the Nick Cave scripted watch. that Ozon entered the spotlight. thoughtful, sinister storylines gave the festival its real "bush western" The Proposition, Averaging one film per This ferocious satire on the characteristic of Swimming Pool strength; taking the form of (see arts spread for our review), year since his feature French middle classes was sure and 5x2. question and answer sessions, Pearce spoke candidly and length debut Sitcom in to get him noticed. Charting the Yet you can't help but feel that workshops and polemical dis- enthusiastically about his hum- '98, Ozon is hard to pin moral decline of an average sub- it is the darker thematics of cussion groups. It was ble beginnings as Mike Young in down as a filmmaker. urban household, the film Ozon's more recent work that refreshing to see so many Neighbours, likening it to his His films, which leap seems to delight in its depiction brings out his real originality. industry figures and cinema- 'dramatic education' in the from genre to genre, of all manner of sexual perver- With a fast-growing reputation goers alike being brought absence of formal training. are perhaps consistent sions, including sado- as one of France's most impor- together in a common dis- He also talked of his pleas- only in their challenge masochism, incest and bestiality. tant and challenging film mak- course on the art and politics ure at discovering that many to cinematic norms and However, it was 8 Femmes, the ers working today, François of filmmaking. cinema-goers had had their the confrontation of musical-melodrama-cum- Ozon is a name that is certain Most events, conversation views altered by his portrayal perceived taboos. whodunnit, with its all-star to be around for a while. always seemed to turn to the of a transsexual in Priscilla: Billed as the second in

fate of the British Film Queen of the Desert, and of his es the Ozon zone Ozon's planned trilogy Industry, if it can be called an desire to eventually produce on the subject of industry at all. As director films of his own. mourning, Le temps qui Guy Pearce at the premiere of François Ozon pointed out in The Proposition Carly Farthing reste recounts the pro- his question and answer ses- tagonist Romain's sion, the UK’s dependence on (Melvil Poupaud from its studio driven counterparts Festival Picks Rohmer's Conte d'été) in America inevitably stifles struggle to come to BEST FOREIGN FILM: the kind of creativity and For the Living the Dead directed by Kari Paljakka explor terms with his immi- experimenation which film- nent death as he is diag- makers should seek to work BEST SHORT: nosed with untreatable towards. Jane Lloyd directed by Happy terminal cancer. This Without finding more sus- serious engagement tainable sources of funding to BEST FEATURE: with melodrama with support the British Industry, Goodnight and Goodluck directed by George Clooney its sober, pared down audiences will continue to narrative may come as a BEST ANIMATION: owe a considerable debt to I turn my Face to the Forest Floor directed by Thomas Hicks surprise to those of us Hollywood for their much who are familiar with needed doses of escapism. BEST EXPERIMENTAL: the more playful tone of Hannah Briggs Lord of the Flies directed by Vladimir Tyulkin Ozon’s earlier films. Ed King Still from François Ozon’s recent film Time To Leave Martha Wainwright Live Swimming Dizzee Rascal at the Junction Pool Sam Blatherwick is exhausted but excited Charlotte Newman is mesmerised #####

arrive at the Junction to the informed that he played in about how this night’s all ‘Tis a truth (subjectively) including the much-talked- In search of inspiration, suc- sight of five police officers Cambridge only a few weeks about his label, before intro- acknowledged that a voice about ‘Bloody Mother Fucking cessful crimewriter Sarah Ipinning a guy to the ground, ago, a local looked absolutely ducing and performing with such as Martha Wainwright’s Asshole’, a couple of covers Morton sets out for her pub- before being offered tickets to shattered. Newham Generals. must be exhibited to best such as Leonard Cohen’s lisher's gorgeous villa in the gig by three kids who had The club is packed. DJ D Double E is undoubtedly advantage in live perform- ‘Tower of Song’ and some Provence. Her peace is soon ‘forgotten their ID’. Why this Semtex from 1Xtra is spinning good, but whether the material ance. It is unfortunate that her new material and B-sides. shattered, though, when the date was barely advertised is hip-hop and r’n’b and letting they have is strong enough to recorded work cannot capture Wainwright’s vocal skills and publisher's attractive teenage one question; another is – us know what’s coming up. support him is debatable. her phenomenal voice and musicianship are perhaps daughter, Julie, arrives. The where are all the students sud- Meanwhile I’m worrying about Whether his strongest work charismatic stage presence, most striking with an acoustic tension between the two denly? It may stink of snob- the state of my lungs and won- will be alongside other, better but it means that to witness setting; alone on stage with a women is tangible from their bery to notice this, but it’s not dering why he only played the known artists remains to be her live is nothing short of a guitar she was able to create a first encounter and as the the same crowd who were in intro to ‘What’s Your Fantasy’. seen. Klass A, the other sup- revelatory experience. warm, intimate atmosphere drama unfolds, the idyllic set- Clare Cellar’s to see Eventually at half past mid- port act, are from Leicester, Her songs can appear cos- that provided the perfect ting becomes the background Klashnekoff a few weeks ago; night Dizzee struts on stage in although I miss that announce- seted on the album, slightly background for her more gen- for an intriguing plot of sex noted by a conversation at the a cap and the coolest shades ment as I’m getting some fresh huddled and restricted in tle, emotionally wrought and violence. bar where upon being this side of 1989; announcing air. In an interview earlier this their production, but in per- songs. But she also plays well Francois Ozon's last big hit year Dizzee described Leicester, formance they are given a with her close-knit backing was 8 femmes and he focuses amusingly, as “the country- dramatic lease of life. She band, reinforcing some of the on female relationships again side”, although whether this has a voice that can turn more sparsely orchestrated here. Charlotte Rampling and was a metaphor for their prox- itself to any kind of music to album tracks with percussion, Ludivine Sagnier both give ANDY SIMS imity to any scene was not great effect, and live per- transforming them into rous- good performances in the lead- specified. Nonetheless, they formance showcases her ing live numbers. ing roles, and the undercurrent held up, but it did come across vocal versatility and emotion- In between songs she of sexual rivalry is suggestively as a stop gap for the main al expressiveness. gamefully requested beer to brought out. But the scenario is event. Martha Wainwright is also a be brought to her on stage, a cliché (stuffy Brit meets liber- Dizzee finally hits the stage mesmerising character. Her as well as six tequila shots ated Mediterranean) and at at quarter to two. Considering onstage mannerisms are just with salt and lemon to share times the characters become the live shows of his peers, it’s intensely interesting, not to with her band members, “for exaggerated to the point of a surprise to see him by him- mention her venerable sense energy”. Knocking back a improbability. self, with only DJ Semtex pro- of style. Perpetually stamping tequila shot, Wainwright Such improbability makes viding the beats; but on an a stiletto-clad foot like a closed her main set with a Swimming Pool difficult to empty stage he dominates. petulant pony, she poured spectacular rendition of a accept as psychological real- Crushing into ‘I Luv U’ and forth a torrent of music that I smoky French song in the ism. However, this may not be from then until his magnificent shall call ‘sexualised folk’; manner of a French the aim. Ozon is a director's closing ‘Stand Up Tall’ we’re strumming her guitars with chanteuse; accompanied director, self-consciously mix- eating straight out of his palm. rhythmic emphasis in accom- perfectly by the piano, her ing genres and alluding to On stage he mesmerises, drop- paniment to resounding vocal gestures and intonation were Hitchcock and Chabrol. ping his vocals stadium rock- acrobatics, or plucking the evocative of Edith Piaf, but Furthermore, the cinematogra- esque at choruses to find his strings softly, dimming her with a more raw, rocky edge phy alone is an incentive to people singing along word-for- voice to a wavering whisper. to her voice. see the film. word. Yeah he rips through his She punctuated her songs Energised by the tequila, Almost. The film moves singles in less than forty min- with witty repartee, exchang- she returned for three slowly to build up suspense utes, yeah it’s too late for me to ing banter with her band, or encores, culminating in a but ultimately the plot is unsat- dance with enthusiasm – but chatting to the audience with tense, beautiful, unreleased isfactory, and the disappoint- yeah it’s incredible. Remixing disarming candour; at one song, in which she stood ing ending leaves you wonder- live on stage, changing beats time remarking quite casually: alone on the stage, accompa- ing where it was going. mid-song and never losing his “My nipples keep coming out nied only by her nimble Swimming Pool is innovative flow; there’s more to Dizzee of this bra”, while fumbling pluckings at the guitar. She and certainly diverting, but than anyone in your main- around inside her shirt to finished with a luscious ver- does not quite live up to the stream. remedy the situation. sion of the album track ‘Don’t expectations it suggested at The set comprised a combi- Forget’, her band adding their the beginning. nation of crowd-pleasing ren- support to provide a rich, res- ditions of album tracks, onant end to the gig. Camilla Bounds Dizzee Rascal performs a set with DJ Semtex www.junction.co.uk 11.11.05 Arts Varsity 19 IS THIS THE END OF CIVILISATION? Jonathan Yarker examines the impact and endurance of a piece of TV history TV is hardly a haven of liberal humanist approach to cul- the Arts Council and even his informed, educational arts pro- ture. As he sits at Jefferson’s desk books were directed, not at the Igrammes. In fact, it seems or reads Voltaire’s own books, he scholarly elite, but at the increasing unlikely it’s even represents a connoisseurship and Everyman. It’s ironic that books home to intelligent life. Yet, “ hero worship that has been com- like The Nude, and Landscapes ACADEMIA AND when it burst onto British TV fifty pletely discredited. into Art have endured far better years ago, it had a distinctly intel- TELEVISION Indeed, Civilisation has been than many of the inaccessible lectual champion. Kenneth an object of scorn since the works published by his critics. Clark, as founder and chairman JUST DON’T GO 1970s. New approaches to art Civilisation has some incredi- of the Independent Television TOGETHER. IT’S history that relied upon social bly powerful moments. At the Authority from 1954-57 was context and economic factors end of the penultimate episode, responsible for the decision to A CLASH OF disliked Clark’s unashamedly Clark stands next to Rodin’s end the BBC monopoly on elitist view of high art. It sculpture of Balzac and implores broadcasting. Clark was hardly CULTURES, became a totem for all that was us “to defy all those forces that what you would expect in a cru- wrong with esoteric, gentle- threaten to impair our humani- sader for commercial entertain- LIKE PLAYING manly art history. To some ty: lies, tanks, tear-gas, ideolo- ment: a patrician academic in his BINGO IN extent this is fair, Civilisation is gies, opinion polls, mechanisa- sixties. But Clark was a visionary prescriptive and judgemental. tion, planners, computers- the who realised the mass appeal of COVENT Clark ranks a work by Bernini whole lot.” This in the context the medium long before any more highly than a Viking Long of the student riots in Paris is in politician or advertiser took it GARDEN. Ship with no more justification no way reactionary; it’s a call for seriously. than that the Italian Baroque us to man the barricades. If you think about it, television was a less barbarous period. Civilisation is dated. But what should be the ultimate vehicle Clark’s “personal view” ignores dates it is not Clark’s three-piece not just for entertainment, but for ” Spain completely and the suits, or the lack of special education. It seems today that Civilisation. He believed televi- whole series has a tendency to effects, it is the tone of humane academia and television just sion could achieve a more sophis- rely on glib generalisations to decency and the desire to find don’t go together. It’s a clash of ticated state than merely popular present a conveniently gentle, faith in humanity. It’s easy to cultures, like playing bingo in instruction. Civilisation repre- chronological narrative. see Civilisation merely as a relic, Covent Garden. However, Clark sented a new philosophy of pres- What makes Civilisation inter- to laugh at the patronising idea saw no such divide between entation “I cannot distinguish esting is the paradox between of an aristocrat preaching on entertainment and education; his between thought and feeling, and Clark’s total belief in the impor- televison about art, but that ideas for television relied on pop- I am convinced that the combina- tance of high culture and tradi- would miss the point. He ends ular appeal “people who settle tion of words, music, colour and tion and the fact that his career with a personal credo, a system down to an evening’s viewing movement can extend human was devoted to popularising art. of beliefs so decent and univer- should be entertained,” he wrote. experience in a way that words Like his hero Ruskin, he was a sal that only a man at the end of But he believed that they should alone cannot do.” humanist who thought art and his life, a life scarred by two not just be entertained, they So is Civilisation merely a pro- culture were life enhancing and world wars, could deliver with should also be informed, “I totype, an interesting relic of that everyone should have access such poignancy: “We can believe television is the ideal early televison or has it endured? to them. His whole life was destroy ourselves by cynicism medium with which to arouse The concept is mad; an immacu- devoted to breaking down the and disillusion, just as effective- people's interest in art.” lately dressed, upper-class English intellectual monopoly on art. As ly as by bombs.” In the light of In 1969, Clark made a thir- gentleman lecturing to the popu- director of the National Gallery, recent political events, we might teen- part history of Western cre- lace on the importance of high he introduced initiatives to boost do well to stop laughing and ative achievement called culture and art. Clark embodies a entrance figures, he supported start listening. Kenneth Clark filming Civilisation on Iona in 1968 David Attenborough talks to Jonathan Yarker

David Attenborough was con- time, this was the opportuni- team was essential to the What was the effect of constructed; it is a work of troller of BBC 2 when he took the ty to give BBC 2 a bold new whole project. The directors, Civilisation on broadcasting, quality.” decision to ask Kenneth Clark to agenda. Michael Gill and Peter BBC 2 and your own Many people criticised the present a “survey of the most What was the strongest Montagnon proved to be career? programs for being elitist beautiful and influential works aspect of the project? inspired and in lesser hands “Such series soon acquired a and esoteric, do you think of art created by European artists “Clark without any doubt, but the project might well have name in the profession. They that these criticisms are in the last 1000 years.” his scripts and delivery failed.” were ‘Sledgehammers’. It valid? wouldn’t have been as strong You decided to give the bought lustre to BBC 2 and “That depends on what the What made you decide to without the breathtaking series two slots on Sunday other similar format docu- word elitist means. If it means commission such an ambi- photography and music.” and Friday to increase the mentaries followed: The that it is something coming tious and unprecedented How important was the budget. Did you ever worry Ascent of Man and Alistair from someone who knew far series and why Clark? introduction of colour tele- about the appeal of the Cooke’s America, but, nothing more than most people about “I thought then, as now, that vision and the team you project? on natural history. I had the the subject, then clearly it Clark was the best man for assembled at BBC 2 to the “No. Once I had seen the idea for Life on Earth whilst was- designedly and the job. He was scholarly, success of the series? rough-cuts of the first few watching the progress of admirably so. If it means profound and lucid. I wanted “The whole project was con- episodes, I realised it was going Civilisation, so I suppose it something aimed at a very something that would be ceived to showcase the sump- to be staggering and I convinced changed my life.” small elite section of the pop- ‘text, spectacle and sound’ tuous effects of high fidelity myself, and the BBC, that the Why do you think the series ulation and understandable and I knew he would provide television. We used 35mm licence payer deserved to see it has had such an enduring only by them, then it was not the best text. There were also film, the gauge used in the twice. It is the only successful appeal? so.” no documentaries of longer cinema, to make it look really solution to a financial problem I “It is intelligent and engaging. than half an hour on at the sumptuous. The choice of made as a managerial mogul.” The whole series is beautifully

point is contrived to highlight The viewers eye is led up to ‘The Great both the architectural and the the ornate, 50fit high steeple symbolic importance of the of the Groote Kerk, St. Bravo’s Church at square. The painting serves to cathedral, the spiritual heart establish the city’s authority of the city. This Gothic master- Haarlem’ with the great palace, vast piece was completed in 1550. Berckheyde church and the markets of It was a favourite subject of fish and meat. Three sturdy, Berckheyde, panting it more FITZWILLIAM MUSEUM 1674 classical stone columns frame than 30 times during his the viewers field of vision and career. Fitzwilliam we are made aware of the Berkheyde has depicted three metaphorical pillars sunlight flooding the open Museum upon which the Dutch state, expanse of the market square.

ound recently liberated from He has carefully depicted the Spanish rule, rested: democ- interplay of shadow through- The view of the Groote Kerk racy, free trade and out the painting and to par- in Berkheyde’s home town of Protestantism. ticularly striking effect in the Haarlem is taken from a par- Political independence an foreground. The sun casts ticularly interesting view- the rule eof law are represent- sharp clean shadows that point. The arcades of the ed by the portico itself. Built emphasise and complement town hall act as a window in 1633 onto the front of the the diagonal and perpendicu- onto the activities of the fourteenth century town hall, lar lines of the architecture. square, looking across the it supported a balcony from marketplace to the north west which judicial decisions were Each week we highlight an facade of the Late Gothic announced. The paper notices object of aesthetic interest in church of St Bravo. stuck to the pillars are public Cambridge. While being a recognisable announcements; the printed Send suggestions to and realistic depiction of the evidence of democracy and [email protected] heart of Haarlem the view- open government. Art Ar Cambridge 20 Varsity Arts 11.11.05 “A head with hair, long beautiful hair” Here’s one I As the “age of why something feels uneasy: made earlier... Aquarius” dawns in there’s something exciting about Cambridge Tess eating all your Smarties at once Riley reviews a because you know you are New student writing reviewed doing something you shouldn’t musical extravaganza be. Watching other people eat all their Smarties is not fun, in A smoky room, writhing bodies, a fact I think after Smartie num- hint of nudity and a buzz in the ber four it is very un-fun. air; and that is just the audience. It’s not that Hair is boring in Gate 13 In a musical that demands its the least. The script does not Andy Heath regains his faith in characters sing about war, love, allow for it, with its constantly drugs, death and…hair, it is fluctuating focus on what it homegrown drama after watching Mark impressive that the heightened means to be in a gang, on your Ferguson’s new play atmosphere immediately estab- own, extremely happy, lished is so well sustained extremely high, extreme. What Attending Corpus Christi er, is an ensemble success; the throughout the show. is true is that half an hour of the Playhouse can sometimes feel humour of Mark Ferguson’s Set in 1960s New York, Hair script could be cut with no loss like picking up a random book in script is leavened by the contri- focuses on a group of youths who of narrative sense. The first half a waiting room. A showcase for butions of a series of acute char- are totally dissociated from their ends brilliantly with, well, more the newer and more obscure side acter actors, rather than comedi- society. Drugs determine their than a bang if you know what I of Cambridge drama, you never ans. Through the many laughs moods as they violently swerve mean (if you are yet to see it know quite what the tone will be they create, we come to know from being the epitomes of long- there’s ambiguity enough to or what characters you’ll (and care) enough about Terry to haired, flower power, peace-lov- James Smoker and Holly Morgan in Hair inspire you to go, is there not?) encounter. Unusually, in the case make the unexpected twist and ing stonies, to the desensitised, iso- The second half opens with a of Cian O’Luanaigh’s Gate 13, it his closing monologue a genuine- lated, junkies, collapsed and The combination of Broadway- impressive numbers. Fergus fairly weak sequence that drags turned out to be a pleasure from ly touching ending. strewn across the stage. It is no style musical extravaganza with Ferrier is a Fresher with a very on for too long. Chop out that, start to finish. Produced wholly by students, surprise that when Hair first harsh social and political messages successful Cambridge acting career along with just a bit of the earli- His flight delayed, a man sits at this play is a refreshing and opened it provoked huge contro- culminates in a very energetic and ahead of him if he keeps up that er spaced-out rolling around an airport departure gate. He exciting example of how good versy. As well as the numerous thought-provoking show. The level of performance. aimlessly and I think it would be ends up chatting to the series of home-grown drama can be. If drug-fuelled scenes, the swearing singing is astounding and on par But the show is not all psy- near perfect, naked and Smartie very different people who share you wish to have your faith in will still shock many of those liv- with any West End musical I have chedelic and ‘way out there fixes satisfied. his bench. In the ensuing cycle of both humanity and Cambridge ing in today’s Big Brother age – I’m seen. James Smoker gives an man’ (she says, visualising flares vignettes, his physical and emo- theatre reassured, I strongly talking TV here, not Orwell – and extremely strong performance as and lots of weed in order to ADC, 7.45pm, Saturday matinee tional journey is gradually writ- recommend it. the nude scene is particularly Claude, while Lydia Wilson and sound like a Rolling Stone type). 2.30pm, £6-9, Tuesday 8th until ten in the spaces around that of memorable…need I say more? Holly Morgan perform some very Here’s the best way to explain Saturday 12th November those who interrupt his long Corpus Christi Playroom, 9.30pm, wait. He learns more than he £5/£4, Tuesday 8th until Saturday wants to about these individuals 12th November and, in the process, something of A Fresher approach to theatre himself too. The structure of the play is nei- ther entirely plausible nor entire- Laura Draper talks to Ed Blain and Isabel Quinzanos directors of Our Town ly original. Far more important in What gave you the courage ical world of Cambridge. The and really engage the audi- brought that across by ener- this ‘slice of life’ genre is the to apply to direct the characters realise too late that ence, and at the same time the gizing thirteen different peo- believability of the dialogue, the Freshers’ mainshow? their sights are set too low, subjects he questions - even if ple and getting them to work poignancy of the characters and, Isabel: In my case the courage and they try to warn the audi- he doesn’t propose an answer together as a team. above all, an alchemical ability to came from curiosity - the will ence to do better. Before I - concern us all. Why do we transmute the everyday into to invent, create and try. came up I was told by a suc- die when we die? Who What specific challenges do drama. On all these counts, Gate There was a little bit of me cession of old fogeys at dinner decides? And what could we you think face a Fresher 13 succeeds. that said I had nothing to lose. parties to ‘make the most of have done yesterday? director in Cambridge? Dan Martin’s Terry is the spine Ed: I applied almost by acci- your time at Cambridge’. Now Isabel: I think that the biggest of this short story collection. His dent. I came to Cambridge we have the chance to pass How have you approached challenge we faced as Fresher understated performance as the wanting to act, and almost that message on, but in an the direction of this play? directors was to fill the foot- keen-to-be-missing link provides immediately went down with infinitely funnier and more Ed: This is a play with a small steps left by our predecessors. a solid foundation for the rest of Freshers’ flu. In desperation I exciting way than the one I cast playing a very large num- We’re sending our cast out the cast. The production, howev- applied to direct one of the had to sit through. ber of characters, so a lot of onto a stage that has seen Freshers’ plays. A month later, work was spent getting people some of the best actors of the here I am, completely convert- What aspect of Thorton of very different shapes, sizes last 150 years. The Freshers’ ed to the joys of direction. Wilder’s writing particular- and sex to portray the same shows have to come in with a Camera Obscura ly appeals to you? characters convincingly. Each bang and introduce a new What do you like about Our Isabel: I like the devices he character is portrayed by sev- generation of talent, and it’s Catherine Maddox takes a voyeuristic Town? uses to make the audience eral actors, which we think up to us, the directors, to peek at secrets & surveillance in Ned aEd: It’s play that urges you aware that they are watching conveys the universality of the make sure that happens. to make the most of your life, a play that is also a parable. play. These people are not Beauman’s new play which is a great message for His writing, language and his hackneyed stereotypes; they ADC, 7.45pm, Tuesday 8th until those setting out into the mag- characters are all universal could be you. I think we’ve Saturday 12th Nov. prices vary Camera Obscura, winner of the Marlowe/RSC Other prize is a play is full of secrets, revealed and concealed, ‘You’re a public reviews Babyshambles Down school boy, Harry. You live on album secrets’ sets the scene for a plot in Albion line which was gripping ##### throughout, full of twists and Kate Bush turns, complicated revelations Lowri Jenkins and discoveries. Aerial ##### The script was impressively If you’re a fan of the written, taking a perceptive Kate Bush has got something about to a hundred Libertines, look away now – If you’re a fan of look at the proliferation of her: she’s the prodigy from 1978 decimal People will buy this for Babyshambles, look away cameras in our modern day city whose siren call was shrouded in places, or the shambolic glamour, rather now – world and its meaning for our mist when she debuted and since refrain of than sonic revolution. The I fucking love the Libertines. personal freedom. This play then her personal life has been simi- ‘washing band’s best singles, the defi- They pulled off lo-fi punk, was as much a journey of dis- larly obscured. It’s a cardinal sin to machine’ on ant ‘Fuck Forever’ and the because, on top of the urban covery for the audience as for the press, but if no one has been ‘Mrs Bartolozzi’. Bush lets herself oscillating ‘Killamangiro’, are poetry and whimsy, in Carl the characters; there was a real together to create a sense of into Bush Towers much since go on the second disc, a concept the album’s best songs; Barat they had an excellent sense of the history of these real passion and energy. 1993’s The Red Shoes, then the album concerned with the ideas of unfortunately they are let lead guitarist. Unfortunately, school boys behind them, the However, particularly effective sound of the eighties has certainly what’s above and beyond the down by barely audible gui- Babyshambles have nothing huge amounts of information was the use of a slow, monoto- never left, but ripened into some- home. It’s now that her voice gets tars and backing vocals of the sort. Half of the songs they all held over each other nous beat in the background at thing that can stand with her best to it’s full height. Accompanied by a weaker than Pete Doherty’s here are three years old, lift- which allowed them to tense moments, resembling the work on the double album Aerial. myriad of female harmonies on resistance to narcotics. ed from the Libs-inclusive become so powerful, so manip- thudding of a nervous heart, Let’s just recall what’s special about ‘Nocturn’, she gathers into full- Chloe Exactly the effect Mick Babyshambles sessions. ulative, and indeed so threat- skilfully used to highlight and Bush: she pays attention to the col- blown 80s anthem shouts, before Jones’ anti-production The messy ‘Albion’, which ening to their former class add to particularly chilling lision between lyrics and her everything falls off an aural precipice intended. Pete Doherty’s previously resonated with mates. It was a glimpse into a moments. Tom Sharpe’s Lucien octave-swooping voice to construct into repetitious synth and some meandering lyrics and con- delicate romance, has lost frightening world of dishonesty looked the part of a disillu- something uniquely personal; from classic Bush urgent questioning. versational crooning produce something in the translation Sackur and pretence, a world where sioned and cynical drug dealer, the energetic ‘Hounds Of Love’ to The dynamic shifts in tone continue a sufficiently ruffian feel; and from sessions to album: you need to be one step ahead but the dryness and removal of the melee of Uilleann Irish pipes and with the scary prospect of Rolf there are plenty of melodies, Carl. If you’ve heard how of the game, where ambition feeling from the part that he orgasmic whispers in ‘The Sensual Harris muttering over his canvas but none are developed. good Pete can be with The and competitiveness, success by played was alittle too perfectly World’. Bush has never exactly (no, really) and then we have With requisite tinny guitars, Libertines, this album will any means is all that matters. done. Particular mention how- been one-note in any sense. sophisticated piano-led musings on yelps and lyrics about drugs, make you cry inside. It’s the The cast themselves could ever must go to Tim Dickinson So twelve years of maternity leave sunsets. What is Bush doing to us? this has the accessories of sound of a broken talent have done this impressive script (Anthony) who held many of has brought us strange odes to What she’s always done: capture lo-fi punk; yet it’s missing the wanking over a poorly-tuned more justice, although the lines the scenes together with his domesticity and inhabitation of elements from life and take them for tarnished beauty to justify it. guitar, with a hat to collect were spoken with precision, energy-filled performance. characters’ monotone thoughts: Pi a wander through her vocal chords. At least it goes really well the cash. And that hat is and the plot was perfectly exe- And what a wonder. with those ripped drainpipes overflowing. cuted, I felt there were times ADC, 11pm, £3-£5, until Satur- you’re wearing. when the cast failed to come day 5th November 11.11.05 Arts Varsity 21 Venue Guide: the essential events of the next seven days The Portland Arms Where is it? There’s this place Cambridge’s lack of fly-posting called Jesus Green, if you cross might keep the place looking that you reach a weir. If you tidy, but hardly aids promotional cross that you reach some pubs activities. You’ll rarely pay more and the ring road. Cross that and than £4 to get in and music usu- there’s the Portland Arms. ally starts around half 8ish. Why The Portland Arms? If you However, live music restrictions like your bands up close and mean that off they come by personal there’s no other option. eleven and then you’re still quite theatre Freshers at the The Goat It’s also the setting for some of a way from the centre of town – ADC the best artists the world has hardly convenient. Neither is hav- Showcase of Cambridge The seemingly ideal life ever seen and never heard of. ing to leave the room to get a Stewart Lee theatre’s new talent in of a world-famous archi- eek No, really – Cambridge’s rather drink, but that’s a minor point. If Controversial Comedian Thornton Wilder’s tect is left in tatters fol- excellent booking companies you like your gigs, up close, and co-writer of Jerry Pullitzer prize-winning lowing the revelation that (like Green Mind, Harvest Time intense and fairly hard to move he's having an and Bad Timing) put on some about in it’s the place to be. Springer: the Opera and Our Town and great stuff here, spanning all gen- Musically it’s brilliant, spatially it’s Fist of Fun is back, with Ayckbourn’s Confusions. affair....with a goat. res of music. cramped. Drinks prices are com- a vengeance. Corpus Christi Playroom, What goes on? You’re best parable with most pubs in ADC, 7.45pm & 11pm, Tuesday 9pm, Tuesday 15th until Saturday checking the rather rudimentary Cambridge, but I suspect you’ve The Junction, 7pm, Friday 11th 8th until Saturday 12th November, November, £12/£10 prices vary 19th November, £5.50/£4 website or keeping an eye out on got just about used to that by W the flyers in Fopp or Clown’s. now. book now: of the

film & music Kisses Breakfast at Tiffany’s Part of the Paul Merton and his HMS Pinafore Britten Sinfonia, Picturehouse’s Impro Chums The character Sallah (above) Audrey Hepburn as Holly With Jim Sweeney, Richard in Raiders of the Lost Ark Tippett Festival Masumura Yasuzo sea- Golighty singing ‘Moon Vranch, Lee Simpson and sings Pinafore tunes such as son. Creator of the 60’s River’ breathily on a fire Suki Webster. "A British Tar" when he is Works by Purcell, Tippett, Japanese New Wave, his escape makes up for the excited or overjoyed. Beethoven, Britten and work is intense, visual excruciating ‘comedy new work by John and subversive. China-man’ scenes. Woolrich Arts Picturehouse, 3pm, Satur- Christ’s College, 10pm, day 12th November Thursday 17th November Corn Exchange Cambridge Arts Theatre West Road Concert Hall, 8pm, Saturday 3rd June 2006 28th November to 3rd December Saturday 29th October, £3 Pick Martha & When I was 21 Geof frey Hawthorn Mathilda Professor of International Politics rock the (play) house In what year were you 21 and what were ARCHIVES COLLEGE CHURCHILL you doing? 1972, in my final year at Oxford

This week we have been around from past history and stereo Eleanor’s sitting room the How did you celebrate your 21st birth- the (play) houses, a collage of col- meaning. Director James Hurley Dead Funny society, a motley day? Supper with friends at the digs, for leges and the many lives and loves creates a filmic piece with a crew, get together to mourn which my landlady’s husband, the pastry- of the theatre world. It was only shimmering electric vista pro- the death of a comic satellite. cook at Magdalen, baked a cake in the last week, on the ADC’s birthday, jected as the constant back- The arrival of Richard’s that a panel of alumni and current ground to the moving tableaux ‘anorak’ comrades interrupts shape of the castle at Windsor, my home luminaries highlighted that the that follows. David Midgeley the couple’s therapist-enforced town. real merit of Cambridge and its and Peter Boulle are particularly ‘alone time’ in which they drama is the many venues that convincing, creating a riveting should feel no compunction to What was your favourite outfit? I was thrive alongside the well-trodden stage couple who are a real treat climax but the pressure immensely fond of a pair of tight trousers (far boards of the ADC arch. Last year, to watch. mounts to something much too tight) from the newly fashionable John Cambridge students staged almost Onwards and westwards in the darker and funnier. The play Stephen in Carnaby Street. 200 shows. This is a lot. And the direction of Queens’ Fitzpatrick itself is brilliant and Helen majority of these were in nooks, Hall for an airing of Alan Cripps (Eleanor) steals the Who was your best friend? A man who crannies, cubby holes and vast Ayckbourn’s ‘Relatively Speaking’. show with her simultaneously Hawthorn at 29, being made a fellow at Churchill palatial suites, owned by colleges This proscenium arch has a spa- poignant and hilarious sar- was determined to get a First in English and misappropriated by drama cious, generous feel to it, giving casm, her deadpan funny per- without reading a single line of Shakespeare. rooms, to complain about the education I societies for their various nefarious plenty of room in which the actors sona and her effortless interac- He managed both. was getting. (I remember him wearing a pre- uses. Even if out of sight for some, can play. And play they do as Rel- tion with her guests. Close on posterous dressing gown, being humiliating- the theatrical wheel is always atively Speaking is a tale of mistak- her disgruntled heels are Tom What was your most prized possession? ly decent, and never saying a word after- turning and whether well oiled or en identity in suburbia and insub- Sharpe (Brian) and Joanna The little portable typewriter that I was wards.) Then publishing an article after finals not, the shows depict the dedica- ordinate communication between Benecke (Lisa) also providing given as a twenty-first birthday present, to saying the same thing in the Oxford tion of teams all over Cambridge. two couples. The comedy walks a comedy. Director Tom Kingsley overcome the difficulty I’d been having for Magazine. Then not returning to take my Through the courts of Caius razor edge and is consistently well- manages to bring out the sub- some time in persuading anyone to read lies the Bateman Auditorium, a delivered, particularly by the long- tlety of the farce, raising the degree. nebulous space, part lecture suffering, delightfully ironic Sheila stakes for the amusing and the my writing. hall, part theatre (the mantra of (Giulia Galastro) and the sardonic, moving, which the play and its What did you believe in? Swedish social many a Cambridge actor/direc- savvy Ginny (Camilla title demand. What were you afraid of? People who were democracy, Anthony Crosland’s The future tor/technician) and large part Macdonald). Lottie Oppenheim’s Thus endeth the compass tour more radical than I was. It was like wanting of socialism. And because they were fun, air. Through this air, an empty ingenious set and 1960s costumes de force although, like a tourist, it the solace and community of faith, not being French, and went with Gauloises and black space, of which Peter Brooke provide the perfect framework to only scrapes the surface. Our able to believe, and wondering why I could- sweaters, surrealism and the lighter sides of would have been proud, this garden party farce which advice to the theatre tourists n’t. existentialism. emerges Tape by Stephen Belber. refreshingly tries to be nothing among you, don your khaki and Composed only of a stool, a tele- more than it is and is all the more step off the beaten track. What did you keep secret from your par- phone and a hold-all, a highway enjoyable for it. What was your most political action? motel room is populated by peo- Upwards and eastwards for ents? Selling my bicycle on the quay at St Ceremonially setting fire, with a friend, to the ple who arrive precipitously more comedy of the familial Relatively Speaking Malo in order to get a boat back to first edition of the Sunday Telegraph early from the audience, carrying kind in Terry Johnson’s Dead Queen’s Fitzpatrick Hall Theatre, Southampton. one morning on the Berkshire Downs. only their emotional baggage. Funny at the Corpus Playroom. 7.30pm, until Saturday 12th Nov The dynamic between the three No corpses in attendance, but Tape What was the most rebellious thing you Caius Bateman Auditorium, 8pm, What do you wish you had known then characters, Vince (David plenty referenced, and no £4-5, until Saturday 12th Nov did? Encouraged by friends, to appear stark that you know now? How fundamental Midgeley), Jon (Peter ‘Pbornm’ corpsing but much laughter, Dead Funny naked (and not a little drunk) in the middle of one’s feelings are to how one thinks. Boulle) and Amy (Natalie from the stands. On a Corpus Christi Playroom, 7pm, the night at the door of the college bursar’s Kesterton) is spliced together Wednesday in Richard and £5.50/£4, Saturday 12th Nov Emily Stokes 22 Varsity Advertisement 11.11.05

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T HE The visual arts society C AMBRIDGE opens applications for a U NION new committee. S OCIETY It’s still not too late to join the Union Positions available: Although you’ve already missed out on Ben & Jerry’s, Chocolate President Tasting, Big Brother Stars and Robert Fisk, there’s still a lot to come at the Union this term. You can enjoy all of this, and more, every Vice-President term, for a one-off payment of £99 for life membership. Secretary Jazz & Cocktails - Fri 11 Nov 9p.m. Treasurer Live jazz accompanying smooth, sophisticated (& cheap) cocktails General Members Former head of the Secret Service - Mon 14 Nov 7:30p.m. In his first public speaking engagement Sir Richard Dearlove will talk Exhibitions Officer about his time as a special agent, on Her Majesty’s secret service. Sponsorship Officer Events Officer Come along and ask the former spy all about it. This House would detain without trial - Thu 17 Nov 8p.m. This House believes that the ultimate outcome in Northern Ireland is a united Ireland - Thu 24 Nov 8p.m. See representatives of all the main political parties come together to offer a definitive resolution of this age old conflict. Featuring: Bairbre de Brún; Mark Durkan; Jeffrey Donaldson; James Allister www.cuvas.com

The Union building is situated behind the Round Church, off Bridge Street. For more information about joining e-mail experience CAMBRIDGE ([email protected]) or visit our website To apply email [email protected]. www.cambridge-union.org ...embrace the UNION 11.11.05 Listings Varsity 23

ADC, 11pm, £3-£5, Wednesday 16th until Hair Saturday 19th November Tape The Rivals Iconic rock musical. Tense drama. Mistaken identity, conniving ser- ADC, 7.45pm, Saturday matinee 2.30pm, £6-£9, Dead Funny Caius Bateman Auditorium, 8pm, £5/4, until vants, amorous confusions and until Saturday 12th November Black comedy about comedy and Saturday 12th November laughter. the people who watch it. Cambridge Arts Theatre, various times and Camera Obscura Impromime prices, Monday 14th until Saturday 19th New student writing (winner of Corpus Christi Playroom, 7pm, £5.50/£4, until Fully improvised pantomime. Saturday 12th November November The Other Prize 2005) about Peterhouse Theatre, 8pm, £6/4, Tuesday 15th secrets and surveillance. Gate 13 until Saturday 19th November Stewart Lee ADC, 11pm, £3-£5, until Saturday 12th Student writing based in an air- Intelligent and sardonic humour November port lounge. Relatively Speaking from the infamous comedian. stage Ayckbourn’s heady comedy of The Junction, 7pm, £12/£10, Friday 11th Corpus Christi Playroom, 9.30pm, £5/4, until confusion and crossed wires. Footlights Smoker Saturday 12th November November Stand-up and sketches from Queen’s Fitzpatrick Hall Theatre, 7.30pm, until Dave King Cambridge’s comedy talent. The Cherry Orchard Saturday 12th November Jimmy Carr ADC, 11pm, Tuesday 15th November, £3-5 Chekhov’s searching social drama Alumni comedian returns to and affectionate family portrait. Gardi’s The Opera Cambridge. Our Town Student written musical about The Corn Exchange, 8pm, £17.50, Sunday ‘Fifth-week blues’ is a pecu- T hornton Wilder’s remarkable Corpus Christi Playroom, 7pm, £5.50/4, Cambridge’s famed kebab shop. Tuesday 15th until Saturday 19th November 13th November liarly Cambridge tradition, and play. Queen’s Fitzpatrick Hall Theatre, 11pm, £3-£7, it’s become a strangely self- ADC, 7.45pm, £5-£8, Tuesday 15th until until Saturday 12th November fulfilling prophesy. Whatever The Goat Defying Hitler Saturday 19th November Edward Albee's daring and Account of a child growing up in you call it, this seasonal provocative play. The Woman in Black Berlin between the wars. West End Thriller. Spooky stuff. depression requires some- Confusions Corpus Christi Playroom, 9pm, £5/4, Tuesday ARU Mumford Theatre, 7.30pm, £9.50/£8, One of Alan Ayckbourn's best Cambridge Arts Theatre, various times and thing wonderful to lift the 15th until Saturday 19th November Friday 11th and Saturday 12th November spirits. Last week Yungun’s loved and wittiest plays. prices, until Saturday 12th November performance at Clare proved to be just such an event. As the DJ Mr Thing churned out slick beats on the vastly Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence (15): 14:00, 18:30 Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (15): Arts Picturehouse 21:00 The Night of Truth (18): 16:10, 20:40 12:30, 14:45, 19:00, 21:15 improved cellars sound Giants and Toys (18): 15:00 The Beat That My Heart Skipped (15): system, you just knew it was Friday 11November Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (15): Tuesday 15 November: 14:00, 18:30 Broken Flowers (15): 13:50, 18:50 13:45, 16:00, 18:15, 20:30 Broken Flowers (15): 17:00 The Night of Truth (18): 16:10, 20:40 going to be a good night. Corpse Bride (PG): 12:15 Le Grand Voyage (PG): 16:40 Corpse Bride (PG): 12:15 Yungun has some of the Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence (15): The Beat That My Heart Skipped (15): Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence (15): 21:00, 23:00 14:00, 18:30 14:00 St John’s cleverest, most poetic and Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (15): The Last Mitterrand (PG): 12:00 Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (15): thought provoking lyrics your 13:45, 16:00, 18:15, 20:30 The Night of Truth (18): 16:10, 20:40 12:30, 14:45, 19:00, 21:15 War of the Worlds: 13th Oct 7pm & 10pm Le Grand Voyage (PG): 16:00 La Grande Illusion (U): 13:30 Downfall: 17th Nov, 7pm & 10pm likely to hear from any UK Red Eye (12A): 22:40 Singing In The Rain (Re) (U): 21:15 artist, and his delivery is so The Aristocrats (18): 22:50 The Beat That My Heart Skipped (15): The Beat That My Heart Skipped (15): 18:30 Corpus Christi effortlessly controlled the 14:00, 18:30 The Night of Truth (18): 16:10, 20:40 G alivant: Tue 15th Nov, 8pm, £2 crowd is kept transfixed. A The Night of Truth (18): 16:10, 20:40 Wednesday 16 November: number of people told me Saturday 12 November: About A Boy (12A): 11:00 Christ’s afterwards they had to stop Babe (U): 12:00 Broken Flowers (15): 14:20, 18:50 Broken Flowers (15): 12:00, 16:30, 18:50 Corpse Bride (PG): 13:00 House of Flying Daggers: Sun 13th dancing at points because screen Corpse Bride (PG): 12:15 Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence (15): Nov, 8pm & 10.30pm, £2 they were so focussed on the Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence (15): 16:40, 21:00 21:00, 23:00 Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (15): Breakfast at Tiffany’s: 17th Nov, 10pm. liquid procession of words. Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (15): 14:45, 17:00, 19:00, 21:15 Amongst this lyrical inventive- 13:45, 16:00, 18:15, 20:30 Nelson (U): 13:00 Kisses (18): 15:00 Singing In The Rain (Re) (U): 11:00 ness the promise of irresistible Le Grand Voyage (PG): 16:00 The Beat That My Heart Skipped (15): dancing beats was never far Red Eye (12A): 22:40 14:00, 18:30 The Aristocrats (18): 22:50 Monday 14 November: The Night of Truth (18): 16:10, 20:40 away, and the energy of crowd The Beat That My Heart Skipped (15): Broken Flowers (15): 13:50, 18:50 and performer was reflected in 14:00, 18:30 Corpse Bride (PG): 12:15 Thursday 17 November: The Night of Truth (18): 20:40 Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence (15): Ballad Of A Soldier (U): 17:00 Robinson an impromptu and much 16:10, 21:00 Broken Flowers (15): 14:20, 18:50 Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the deserved encore. This week I Sunday 13 November: Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (15): Corpse Bride (PG): 12:15 Broken Flowers (15): 18:50 12:30, 14:45, 17:00, 19:00, 21:15 Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence (15): Sith: Sun 13th Nov, 4pm & 9pm see few events likely to raise Corpse Bride (PG): 12:15 The Beat That My Heart Skipped (15): 16:40, 21:00 Spartacus: Thur 17th Nov, 9pm the spirits in the same way. Jools Holland brings his honky-tonk rhythm and blues orchestra to the Corn Ways of Living Coveney: Island in 1910-1914. Exchange in what should be a Contemporary sculpture from four Identity in the Fens Scott-Polar Research Institute, free entry, 1st delightful evening of uncom- internationally renowned artists. September until 31st March 2006 plicated entertainment. For Each exhibit explores the relation- and Currency in Africa ship between art and life (below). Two of several small exhibitions in Life, ritual and those with shallower pockets, the Andrews exhibition gallery that the mainstay of student jazz Kettle’s Yard, free entry, 1st October until 20th immortality: Eating November explore the extensive reserve col- nights, Jazz at John’s, and will lections of the museum. and Drinking in China be hosting the eclectic Museum of Archaeology and Anthropology, Special display of Chinese bronze, Cevanne Horrocks-Hopayian free entry, 19th September Until 1st December jade and ceramic vessels used for Quintet. On Saturday at the rituals and daily life Junction, Faithless’ lead The Real Madagascar Fitzwilliam Museum, 4th October - 3rd January An exploration of the flora and 2006, free entry singer Maxi Jazz will be DJing fauna of the strange island of records that inspired him as Madagascar, from pre-history to Drawn to Africa artist. The jaw-droppingly the present day. Workshops including African sexy platinum-selling young Museum of Zoology, free entry, 19th July until fabric painting, Sona sand draw- singer Lucie Silvas will be Cambridge 24th December ing, Kente cloths and African showing off her talents at the Indigo dye drawing. Illuminations Museum of Archaeology and Anthropology, Corn Exchange. Electro beats The largest and most comprehen- The Antarctic and disco breaks will be the selected dates throughout October and November, sive exhibition of illuminated Photographs of free order of the day for Versus at manuscripts including ten cen- the Kambar on Wednesday. turies’ worth from Cambridge Herbert Ponting collections (right). Photographs taken from the origi- exhibitions nal negatives of the intrepid Fitzwilliam Museum, free entry, 26th July until photographer who accompanied 11th December Scott's expedition to the Antarctic

Dirty Beats Plastic Sunday Roast The Shivers A Hawk and a Versus International Student drum’n’bass from DJ funk, soul, 80’s and the weekend stops with support from the Hacksaw sleazy electro, with Night Hitch electro from here, and so does your Modal Monks and the part of Harvest Time’s proceeds to the Red na zdravje! 9:30-12:30 £2 Spunkyfunk dignity Damsons free folk season, with Cross 9-2 £4 King’s Cellars 10-1 £2 9-1 £4 8pm £3 Lionshare and Chunk 9:30-2:30 £4 Ballare King’s Cellars Life The Portland Arms Wilson of Hot Chip The Kambar Jools Holland and his 8pm £5 Urbanite Orchestra PG Six The Damned DIY DJ The Portland Arms Club Goo is killing Cambridge a worthless man who’s folk, supported by ageing punk bring your own CDs, indie, with Forward, 9-2 £3 met a lot of great Samara Lubelski 7pm £16 vinyl, iPod or laptop Truant Russia! The Soul Tree bands 8:30 £5 The Junction 8-2 free UK hip hop 8-2 £5 7:30 £27 CB2 The Soul Tree 9-2 £3 The Soul Tree The Living Room The Corn Exchange Acoustic open mic The Soul Tree with Free Will and the Hard Shoulder degrading Fat Poppadaddy’s Funk da Bar Great Distance Jazz at Johns with Maxi Jazz of 9pm free the ‘alternative’ alter- Top Banana drum’n’bass 8pm £4 The Cevanne Faithless CB2 native CUSU’s weekly 8-12 £3 CB2 Horrocks-Hopayian 10-3 £10 8-2 £2 fruit-market Emmanuel bar Quintet The Junction The Fez 9-2 £4 NUS 9pm £4 Ballare Rumboogie Nusha Lucie Silvas Fat Poppadaddy’s slit your wrists first Radio 2 favourite pohjanmaan kautta! Unique 9-2 £4 Fat Poppadaddy’s 7:30 £17.50 9:30-2 £5 LBG night Ballare a pub jukebox’s idea of The Corn Exchange Life 9:30-1 eclectic comes to Clare £4 9:30-1 £4 Clare fri sat sun mon tue wed thu YOUR WEEKLY GUIDE TO GOING OUT IN CAMBRIDGE 24 Varsity Advertisement 11.11.05

SUNDAY 13 NOVEMBER 8.00PM JIMMY CARR Cambridge University Engineering Society presents its annual MONDAY 5 DECEMBER 7.30PM THE LEAGUE Engineering and Technology OF GENTLEMEN Careers and Recruitment Fair WEDNESDAY 7 DECEMBER 7.30PM BEN ELTON NEW DATE ADDED: Tuesday, November 15th WEDNESDAY 18 JANUARY At the Guildhall, Market Square SUNDAY 5 FEBRUARY 7.30PM 1pm – 6pm OMID DJALILI Companies Attending Include: SUNDAY 19 FEBRUARY 7.30PM THE MIGHTY BOOSH FRIDAY 17 MARCH 7.30PM PADDY McGUINNESS Star of Phoenix Nights and Max & Paddy’s Road To Nowhere. FRIDAY 31 MARCH 7.30PM DARA O’ BRIAIN Ireland’s finest comedian. SATURDAY 20 MAY 8.00PM DYLAN MORAN Star of Black Books in a live stand-up show. BOX OFFICE Come along to find out about summer placements, careers in engineering and Graduate 01223 357 851 Recruitment with some of the UK’s top engineering companies. www.cornex.co.uk ONLYTHE BRIGHTEST IDEAS MAKE IT

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FitzTheatre announces auditions for INVITES THE FLETCHER PLAYERS APPLICATIONS Stephen Sondheim’s welcome A Spine-tingling SEEKS TO DIRECT SWEENEY TODD APPLICATIONS TO DIRECT Sunday night; experience the NEW to be performed 7-11 March, 2006 IN THE SCHOOL OF PYTHAGORAS shows at the Corpus Playroom in Pizzotti Requiem IN WEEK 6 OF THE LENT TERM. PARTNERS first auditions take place in the Lent and Easter terms. Queens’ College Chapel FOR INFORMATION ABOUT HOW Application forms available from Fitzwilliam College Auditorium on November 13th - 8pm, Tickets £10/£8 Sunday 13th November, 3.30 ‘til late. TO SUBMIT AN APPLICATION, Corpus Christi Porters’ Lodge. CLOSE KNIT PRODUCTIONS For more info, and to register inter- PLEASE E-MAIL [email protected] Closing date for applications: Wed The (LLP), an exciting new theatre est, contact Malcolm Moffat The closing date for all applications November 16th at 5pm. fairhaven Singers of Cambridge company formed in 2005 by (mm522) or Charlotte Bevan (cevb2). is 6pm, Friday 18th November. Any questions, email Katy, keb49. Marlowe/RSC Other Prize Winner James Topham and IT’S PANTO SEASON! ADVERTISE ON THIS Benjamin Deery, is looking for “Accident & Conspiracy” PAGE FROM JUST £20 new partners to invest in the Addenbrooke’s Pantomime 2005 To place your ad, e-mail company and join its board of Tues 15th – Sat 19th November @ 7.30pm directors. Mumford Theatre, APU, East Road, CB1 1PT [email protected] Please contact For tickets call the Box Office (01223) 352932 or visit us at Benjamin Deery on [email protected] All proceeds to Cystic Fibrosis Charity Fund 11-12 Trumpington and ask for a copy of the com- £7.50 (£6 concessions – inc. students) Street pany charter. Queries? Email [email protected]

Buy any takeaway for pizza at the Pizza Hut on the left SamSam SmileySmiley 2 from Monday to 68 Trumpington Street CAMBRIDGE Thursday and get LEISURE PARK 1 two DVDs for the Special Offer Tel: price of one at (01223) 414488 CHOICES rental Baked potato with on the Leisure Have a great NIGHT in ON US! Park baked beans & MAKE grated cheese. HEADLINES

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© 2005 CREDIT SUISSE GROUP and/or its affiliates. All rights reserved. 28 Varsity Advertisement 11.11.05 MAYS fourteen Now inviting applications for: Editorial Committee Marketing Manager

THE MAYS is Varsity’s annual anthology of new writing by students from universities in Cambridge & Oxford, sold nationwide and distributed to every major literary agent. The editorial committee reads and shortlists submitted work LATE NIGHT VIEW of WAYS OF LIVING before finally deciding which pieces should be published in this 16 November - Kettle's Yard - 18.30-20.30 - free prestigious anthology. Have a drink and enjoy a last chance to see the current exhibition Deadline for applications: 21st November, 5pm Ways of Living before it closes.

Ways of Living includes work by four contemporary artists, some of which has never been shown in the UK before. Curator of the exhibition, Lizzie Fisher will discuss the show during the evening. To apply or for more info, please contact Kettle's Yard, Castle Street, Cambridge CB3 0AQ (just over Magdalene [email protected] Bridge, next to the Folk Museum) tel 352124 - [email protected] - www.kettlesyard.co.uk

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www.taylorwessing.com/graduate 29 Varsity Sport 11.11.05 Five-star Fitz looking for Cuppers revenge Defending league champions forget league woes as holders Jesus stutter through past King’s IHE DERRINGER MICHAEL Kitchen, given too much room Adam Bracey inside the penalty area, fin- JESUS 2 ished cleverly after good work KING’S 0 on the left-hand side. Catz did not have the look FITWILLIAM 5 of a side who had accepted Meanwhile, King’s went to ST. CATHARINE’S 0 their fate and, with renewed Jesus to play their home fixture purpose, resumed their search after a mix up with pitches, and Fitzwilliam got their season for a way back into the game. with an early kick off at 12 back on track with a hand- They continued to create noon a number of the players some, if flattering, victory chances, and will wonder how on show were probably still over Catz in Cuppers. Beaten they failed to score on the over the limit. But those very by a last-minute penalty at hour when, with the goal- (merry) men that form the Homerton the previous week- keeper exposed and two play- Jesus defence are unbeatable end, Catz were the better team ers unmarked, the ball trickled this season with four clean for long spells on a rain- harmlessly wide. Catz also sheets from four so far. It was soaked afternoon, but finished missed an opportunity to get no surprise then that King’s on the wrong end of a back in the game as Dave failed to provide a real threat, drubbing. Mills’ tame penalty was easily but also no surprise that Jesus The two sides were infinite- saved. Fitz went on to kill the failed to capitalise on their ly more watchable when they game off in the last 15 minutes early possession. chose to keep the ball on the through Brendan Threlfall. The breakthrough finally ground, and for much of the While others around him were came shortly before half time first period, it was Catz who floundering in the lashing when talented midfielder Ed impressed, producing some rain, he made the game his Bond smashed the ball into the coherent football which, on own, terrorising the hapless top corner from the edge of the another day would surely back four with dazzling verve box. The second half produced have reaped rich reward. and balance. Threlfall added a tame performance from the Fitz (maroon shirts) out-play and out-muscle their St. Catherine’s (white shirts) counterparts Dominating the central areas two more goals and laid on the Cuppers champions with King’s of the pitch, they forged a fifth for Fitz’s Alex Lott. defence holding strong. Only a MEN’S RUGBY DIVISION 1 MEN’S FOOTBALL DIVISION 1 number of good openings, the Fitz captain John Cheshire penalty provided the second P W D L F A GD PTS best of which saw lively for- agreed that the scoreline was goal from which Martyn P W D L F A PD PTS ward Will Rogers drive a low, harsh on Catz. “We didn’t Frampton converted. Although ST JOHN’S 5 5 0 0 141 25 116 20 ST JOHN’S 3 3 0 0 7 3 4 9 angled shot against a post with deserve to win this one 5-0. the 2-0 scoreline failed to GIRTON 5 3 0 2 74 67 7 14 JESUS 3 2 1 0 4 0 4 7 the goalkeeper beaten. But as Credit to Catz, who were the reflect Jesus’s domination of so often in college football, the better side, particularly in the possession, it became apparent JESUS 5 2 0 3 52 93 -41 11 CHURCHILL 3 2 0 1 5 3 2 6 balance of play was upset by a first half, but Brendan that they had stopped trying DOWNING 4 2 0 2 61 44 17 10 CAIUS 3 2 0 1 4 4 0 6 goal out of nothing. Slack (Threlfall) really killed the after the second goal. With a defending at a corner-kick game off, he was a great outlet goalkeeper that is yet to be MAGDALENE 4 2 0 2 37 42 -5 10 CHRIST’S 3 1 1 1 3 2 1 4 allowed Fitz’s Rory Gallagher in the second half.” On this beaten, it is fair to say that PEMBROKE 5 0 0 5 37 131 -94 5 ST CATZ 3 1 0 2 4 4 0 3 to turn home from close evidence Fitz possess one of Jesus probably only need to HOMERTON 3 1 0 2 3 4 -1 3 range, and give the home side the tournament’s most eye- score once. Results: Pembroke 0 - 56 St John’s D ARWIN 2 1 0 2 2 3 -1 3 a lead they scarcely merited. If catching and devastating Elsewhere Churchill won Jesus 7 - 28 Downing that was hard on the visitors, weapons and Catz will be away at Downing 2-1 after Magdalene 26 - 12 Girton FITZ 2 0 0 2 2 5 -3 0 Fitz compounded the injustice cetainly be glad to see the back extra time with two goals from near half-time when Dave of the Blues striker. Haslett. TRINITY 3 0 0 3 3 9 -6 0 30 Varsity Sport 11.11.05 Who should be funding sport? An investigation into the lack of University funding for Cambridge sports teams

men’s and women’s sport at the ASSOCIA ARUP Sophie Pickford University. Individual clubs fill out reams of forms detailing their accounts, and the The University’s funding of sport is for money is then distributed according to many a mysterious business. Seemingly need. But how do you quantify need? TES shrouded in a veil of secrecy only lifted for The netballers need a netball court, and A WEEK IN THE LIFE OF a chosen few, it is perceived as a maze-like are currently spending inordinate web of intricacies, confounding even the amounts of money travelling long dis- ANDY STEVENSON most patient of pure mathematicians or tances to use facilities elsewhere. A court UNIVERSITY RUGBY U21 astro-physicists. Yet this is not the intent is the sort of expense that the Sports of our head of Physical Education (yes, Syndicate can’t hope to meet on its cur- we do have one), Tony Lemons, whom I rent annual budget, which only provides sunday met this week at the University Sports the most basic level of support. Some Spend most of the morning in my room Centre (yes, we do have one), Fenners, to other injection of cash is necessary to watching ‘that speech’ from Any Given Sunday before our match. Get into the unravel the tangled threads of make the grass-roots changes that are changing room and drop rubbish banter Cambridge’s fiscal policy. essential to ensure the future of with JT about the importance of inches. In addition to the income of subs and Cambridge sport. On the pitch, our performance isn’t the sponsorship money relied on by best, but we still win 31-5 – that’s rugby University sports clubs, an annual contri- guys, that’s all it is… bution is made to most teams by the “The primary source Sports Syndicate. Their funds are made up of a grant from the University (c.£40k of funds is related to monday in 2004-05, £50k this year), and a per Just another manic Monday, wish it was capita contribution from colleges (£3.27 the primary provider Sunday. Training in the evening at per head last year, £3.45 this year, Grange Road, then back to the flat for a of facilities - the toastie only to find that Stingray the totalling c.£56k in 2004-05). Don’t be cheese-monster has eaten all the extra- fooled, however, by the apparent recent Colleges” mature cheddar. up-turn in University assistance. Frozen in 1997, the University’s contribution The fundamental problem is the lack of only began increasing again in 2002. a significantly powerful centralised body tuesday Significant rises have been seen since, but that really cares about sport in Cambridge Trot out for college in the uncomfortable from 2006 any rise will most likely be in – the Physical Education department is role of fly half - Catz, the dominant pool line with projected increases in costs of doing its best, but given its present An artist’s impression of the new University Sports Centre leaders, thrash the young pretenders, 2.5% and no more. Allowing for infla- resources cannot hope to fill this hole. Christ’s, 46-5. Watch the Blues game in tion, the University’s annual contribution The great sporting tradition built up at this would make clubs “stagnant”. As a result, team games to other sports and a more the evening surrounded by Desmo’s to sport is at present only equivalent to University has grown through the teams’ capacity to secure corporate and personalised approach to healthy living.” travelling fan club – all they ever shout is “Give it to Charlie!”. that which it made in 1990. Colleges, who in most cases no longer other sponsorship from outside the Other Universities “have accommodated Distribution of funds is dealt with by have the financial provision to meet University is in his view a great strength. this over twenty or thirty years”, but as a the Grants Committee, (effectively a sub- twenty-first century needs. Yet, as Tony The most significant move to rectify result of the collegiate system Cambridge wednesday set of the Syndicate). This has eight mem- Lemons says, “the primary source of increasing funding issues is the campaign is still awaiting its sports Renaissance. Pop down the road to go and watch my bers including, amongst others, four rep- funds is related to the primary provider of for a new sports centre, for which £50m is Hopefully this paradigm shift won’t come little cousin play for St.Johns College resentatives from the men’s Blues facilities – the Colleges.” The level of indi- needed. Part of the University’s too late to prevent the increasingly rapid Prep School. Head out with the Kittens Committee and two from the women’s – vidual student financial contribution to Octocentenary appeal, the project “repre- academic brain drain to the States, which and Jesus Blackwidows in the evening, a constitutional imbalance of the sexes sport “continues to worry” him, though sents the biggest investment the is only being accelerated by the basic lack and find I have spent a stupid amount in that smacks of some fundamental (yet he “wouldn’t want clubs to be totally University has made in sport.” It is neces- of funding for recreational and health- Cindies – mostly on the rounds for the gradually diminishing) disparity between reliant on centralised funding” as this sary “because of the shift from traditional based sports facilities at Cambridge. whole Uni netball team. Error. thursday Admin afternoon as I’m Secretary for the Colleges Rugby Leagues – have to type Wasps stung by late penalty results and try-scorers names into the website (www.crazyaboutsport.com) pace to burst through the tackle on the SIMS ANDY while the flatmates rinse me for being so Jamie Brockbank halfway line before being felled one-on- keen. Rugby training in the evening from one by the impressive Wasps fullback 5-7, squad looks to be shaping up well Thom Evans on the 22. Undeterred, with Varsity in only a few weeks time. Alberts struck in the 7th minute as he tore CAMBRIDGE 19 through a gap at the fringes of the maul to WASPS 17 open the scoring with a flamboyant dive friday under the posts for Ufton, the former Rest day as we have a match tomorrow, but decide to have run around and try Delivering their best performance of the Wasps veteran, to make it 7-0. However, my hand at mixed netball. Go out for a season to date, the Blues’ combative as all too often this season after taking the great meal for a mate’s 21st, but stay defence and rampaging pack more than lead, the Blues almost immediately relin- sober for tomorrow’s game. held their own against a testing Wasps quished their hard work as Wasps’ Joe side. Talismanic fly-half Jonny Ufton’s Mbu stole through a defensive gap to level experienced boot inspired them to a fully the scores. The London-based profession- saturday deserved 19-17 victory. This result against als were notably quick up in their defen- Match at home against Loughborough the reserve team of the reigning Zurich sive line, but they were penalised for off- III – we lost 18-8, but a spelling con- Premiership and 2003/04 Heineken Cup side in the 21st minute, with Ufton’s pre- A bandaged Jonny Ufton struggles to retain possession test may well have had a different out- champions represents not only a major cise left-boot nudging the Blues 10-7 bandaged Ufton’s post-half-time reap- yard effort in the 69th minute edged the come. Their team of genetically engi- neered P.E. students only outscore us scalp for the students, but also augurs ahead. pearance after a first half clash of heads Blues ahead 19-17. In the nervy final by a dubious penalty and an array of favourably for the squad’s self-belief and In what is becoming a trend this sea- kept the Blues in the chase at 16-17 as he minutes the Blues’ defended resolutely, forward-passes and knock-ons. momentum as they embark on an intense son, the visitors scored within 5 minutes slotted a brace of penalties to Wasps’ solo with Wasps confined to a missed drop- November of Varsity preparations. of the restart, with a skilful dummy-scis- effort. goal attempt, and there was jubilant relief Right from the start, the Blues were sors pop allowing pacy centre Neil Baxter Akinluyi’s try-saving cover tackle in the at the final whistle, with number 8 Mike bolstered by the return to fitness of blind- to put Wasps 14-10 ahead. The Blues corner to halt a rapier Wasps counter- Harfoot paying tribute to the tireless Blues side flanker Nic Alberts and the former failed to capitalise on a storming touchline attack in the 61st minute was a pivotal pack and “awesome” defence in “digging Super 12 player used great strength and surge from winger Akinluyi, but the moment, meaning that Ufton’s crucial 35 out” a morale-boosting win.

Win one of three copies of ‘Titanic THE LOW-DOWN Special Edition’. John Thompson’s sport in brief Red Hot Poker is available to buy on DVD from on 14th November 2005 : from Pathe Distribution Ltd. Thanks Small Bore to www.fox.co.uk Windsurfing CUSBC shot their first match of the season finishing 4th out of 13 in an inter-university match in Edinburgh. >>Name: course in the fastest time and generally Fresher P. Brett from Girton was top RLS Cambridge University Windsurfing Club turns into complete carnage. The main scorer on his debut for the club. N A >>Where: aim is to have fun. It's all about drink- OUF Mostly Grafham water, but we compete ing a lot and eating lots of pies so you R U

W ENH Hockey R S GS in the Student Windsurfing Association can demonstrate your manhood by The University squanderers pro- series all over the country. We're cur- holding down a bigger sail than the duced a fine third consecutive win rently planning a trip to Egypt at Easter. next guy. T E on Saturday overturning a 4-1 deficit ER >>When: >>National: I S A against a strong Saffron Walden RD Weekends, weekdays, holidays - when- Britain won a bronze medal in the last side, winning 5-4 with the last touch G ever it's windy. We try to run interme- Olympics, but windsurfing is not really of the game. BO diate and advanced trips when it’s an Olympic sport. SIET windy and beginner trips when it's not. >>Cambridge: Cambridge United F.C: >Who: GA We won the BUSA event last year, and Wednesday is the date for the CUFC © Adam Edelshain Anyone and everyone. In windsurfing Oxford has only ever won Varsity once! Quiz Night at the Abbey Stadium. Re-arrange the letters by rotating the it actually helps to be small. >>Contact: The fun begins at 7.30pm with discs to create six separate six-letter words leading in to the centre. >Aim: www.cuwc.org teams of 6 costing £3 per person. Racing involves getting out and round a Email your answer to: [email protected] 11.11.05 Sport Varsity 31 Powering to legendary status Joe Speight talks to the king of darts, Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor

“The greatest player ever to throw a with a 7-4 win over Mark Dudbridge LA dart”; “the king of the oche”; “a sport- in January, and Taylor cites the sixth WRENCE LUSTIG / PDC ing legend to rank alongside greats title as his career highlight, beating such as Sir Steve Redgrave, Sir Bristow’s record. Donald Bradman and Mohammed It is all a far cry from the begin- Channel Hopper Ali” – the eulogies are abundant. It nings of his career when he was was in 1990 at the age of 30 when “working hard, doing two jobs and he river comes. It’s no good. this sporting icon was born. As a 125- getting up at six in the morning.” One And that, frankly, was a silly play, 1 outsider at the Embassy of these jobs involved earning £50 a Tif you ask Padraig Parkinson: Championship he overpowered his week in a factory making ceramic toi- “Well, he’d been praying he had Ace mentor, the five-time World let handles. But why did he become King Ace Queen or something so he’d Champion Eric Bristow, to herald a interested in the game in the first really bet into him, something he changing of the guard in the sport place? “I was just a natural at it, couldn’t get away from,” he sighs. which has transformed darts in the enjoyed it and thought it would be a “You know, it’s often a better idea if twenty-first century. good way of making a living.” Though you flop two pair or something to bet Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor has been Taylor has not allowed his fame and into the flop with the ace on it so that instrumental in catapulting darts to fortune to alter his lifestyle. He is a you can get the other guy to bet into it new heights as the sport has become family man and “we haven’t got a before he gets an inkling that you’ve richer, more professionalised and mortgage any more, a few nice cars flopped the monster. Especially if more global, and he admits that “the you’re on the button.” sky is the limit.” His role in this is Now, it’s hard to express on the undeniable, and he believes “the “It only takes four page the degree to which that was press interest in me has been the key complicated by the the speaker’s rat- factor.” Tournaments are becoming or five pints to get tling pace and thick Irish brogue, but more widespread in America, with imagine a food mixer reciting the the Las Vegas Desert Classic for exam- me drunk” poetry of J H Prynne and you’re get- ple which Taylor has won three times ting there. Still, Jesse May, Padraig’s in the event’s opening four years, and but apart from that we’re just a nor- brash American co-commentator, prize money for some events now mal family.” ‘The Power’s’ talents, knows what he’s talking about; reaches up to £5 million. Taylor him- however, are far from normal – “I’ve indeed, you can practically feel him self is the symbol of this progression. got a lot of natural talent and I’m very sucking his teeth in judicious reflec- His astounding list of achievements self-motivated, but dedication is the tion. Well, that’s an interesting point, continues to grow – 12 World key.” And this is exemplified by his he finally responds, and, to my sur- Championships, 7 World Matchplay three hours of training every day in prise, I find myself nodding. It is, titles and 6 World Grand Prix victories which he practices every aspect of the apparently. I may as well confess it: amongst many other successes. He game. I’m hooked on Poker Zone. won his twelfth World Championship During his career there have been I don’t know why. It’s like watching the lows and he admits, “I have Phil Taylor celebrates his victory at the recent Sky Bet World Grand Prix carp fishing or something. The thought about quitting before. It takes impenetrability of the analysis is just fact file up a lot of time and effort staying so my lucky number and I want thirteen someone asked me about cricket or another disqualifier to reasonable dedicated, but I keep motivated to world titles. I’ll keep going for anoth- football I’d say I enjoy it but with pleasure. After all, when Alan Hansen Name: Phil Taylor carry on and to win by the youngsters er three or four more years.” Taylor some people you mention darts and says terrible defending, or magnifi- Born: 1960, Stoke-on-Trent coming through. I just love it.” He remains the only darts player to have they just turn their noses up.” cent finish, or even bang-back-of- Age: 45 also acknowledges how the game has completed a hat-trick of nine dart fin- But this is a situation which is the-net-one-nil, I’m right with him. Nickname: The Power changed, and moved away from it s ishes, and another of his aims is to beginning to change, largely due to This, on the other hand, is wholly Darts used: 24g Unicorn Phil image of heavy drinking and late become the first player to complete the impact of Phil Taylor on the world beyond me. Nevertheless - poker on Taylor nights in smoke-filled bars, pubs and the sport’s most challenging feat at of darts. From his humble beginnings the telly’s brilliant. Height: 5’8” clubs. “Sport has changed. Years ago the World Championships at the in Stoke-on-Trent to a jet-set lifestyle This, I am finding, is one of the sine Achievements: Won 12 World rugby players and footballers would Circus Tavern. And with the all the travelling the world in pursuit of fur- qua nons of being a Channel Hopper Championships, 7 World Matchplay drink just as much as we did, but now Olympic hype at the moment Taylor ther sporting excellence, ‘The Power’ (like being a Mormon or a Rotarian, titles, 6 World Grand Prix victories, you just can’t do it.” And his own has his sights on an even bigger prize. is one of a very select number of cur- roughly, but with fewer meetings and 3 Las Vegas Desert Classic titles, 2 alcoholic tolerance? “I’m not that “I wouldn’t mind winning a gold rent sports stars who have achieved more slouching): that there’s nothing UK Open wins and inaugural Darts much of big drinker really – it only medal. I think darts deserves a place legend status with their career still that won’t get interesting if you watch Premier League champion. takes me about four or five pints to at the Olympics the same as archery going strong. And with the progres- it for long enough while an expert Other interests: Port Vale F.C, eat- get drunk.” and shooting and those sort of sion of darts into a more mainstream explains what’s going on. Mainly ing Chinese, holidaying in Cornwall What more is there to achieve sports.” But the public perception of sport, the prospect of Olympic gold sports, but anything, really. Darts and and listening to Joe Cocker. though and what is it is that stops the darts annoys the current World may postpone the retirement of dart’s watercolour painting and DIY have all complacency creeping in? “Thirteen is Champion. “It’s just snobbery. If greatest icon. exercised this pull on me before. Today it happens to be poker. Every edition is more or less the 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Across Down same, with subtle variations. On this Freshers’ one the celebrity is Phil ‘The Cat’ 6 9 1. Acquittal over V-sign (11) 2. Master I backed to be found around Tufnell, doing a lot of cheeky-grinning Varsity 10 9. Repeat Old Etonian's returning pupil (4) and a certain amount of dirty-chuck- with companion (4) 3. Cube cubes (4) ling, and here, apparently, ‘to knock a 9 11 10. Finds I get points after record 4. Bay Edward had an eye on (7) thicket of wickets off the other play- Athletics deliveries (11) 5. Kurt became an Ottoman (4) ers’ chips’. Its woman entrant is 12 13 12 11. North Vietnamese offensive 6. Diana drove badly and went too far (7) called Michelle, and she’s a barmaid Bilen Ahmet after South let it be (4) 7. Northener cruelly ostracised, not from the Midlands, and when she 14 15 14 16 17 14. Artist's rope (7) raised (4) wins a hand Padraig actually says Last Sunday saw the 2005 18 16. Newcomer's mask conceals it (7) 8. What mason and graduate have in “well, she looks like butter wouldn’t Freshers’ Varsity Athletics 18. I'd back Nathaniel to have common (11) melt, there should be a rule against Match at Oxford’s Iffley Road 19 18 20 feasted (5) 12. Oprah said I can start to produce women playing poker”. The Track, and despite the ominous 19. Craft time after service (4) oysters, for example (11) Scandinavian players who qualified bad weather it would turn out 21 22 20. A group of three doughnuts 13. Disagree if loud Leftie comes back online are called Lars and Torval, and to be a great day for Cambridge. destroyed (4) around (6) their jobs are being indeterminately There were some outstanding 23 24 21. Prevent love getting key (5) 15. Tires out ritualistic formulae (5) Scandinavian, apparently. And the 23. Gains from revised material (7) 16. Of sex that's without hesitation pros are called The Kid and Twitcher, early performances from Alison 25 26 Hackney who finished first in 24. Tilt the German boat (7) available at a price (5) which is all you need to know. the women’s 400m hurdles and 25 26 27 28 29 25. Breeding stock created from 17. Scolding for one involved in barter (6) So, why is it so compelling? Well, I Humphrey Waddington, who dust (4) 21. Caught after fund (having gained don’t think the reason has a lot to do won the men’s long jump by 27 30 30. Are internet developments point) was rendered obsolete (7) with poker, actually (although there’s a 65cm and also came second in producing comedian? (11) 22. Tells story about topless clergymen (7) certain satisfaction in watching the men’s javelin. 31 31. Helper I'd taken into casualty 26. Untangle French party (4) Michelle cream the opposition, much As the day came to a close (4) 27. Plant coming through inferno (4) to Jesse’s hilarity and astonishment): 28 32 the weather began to clear up 32. Gets up in front of a team and 28. Advice for wiaters? (4) it’s to do with being in the club. It’s the for the relays. The men won steps down (6,5) 29. Action whichever way you look at it (4) casual assumption, when they pontifi- the 4x100m, while the women cate about flopping the nuts, that if ADAM EDELSHAIN won the 4x400m. Alison you’re watching this, you probably Hackney was awarded the POT BLACK know what’s going on; it’s the fleeting Achilles Medal for her out- insight you get into this whole implied standing performances Instructions: world, which stretches out of your throughout the day. The men’s Complete the questions in order from red to black. The answer to sight; it’s the innate pleasure in seeing 4x400m relay team, which each ball is integral to the following question. someone else’s expertise unfurling consisted of David Reece, itself, to do a thing which is wholly Frank Hutton-Williams, Colin Which team was recently acquired by Malcolm Glazer? beyond your own limited capacities. Prue and Charlie Romito, then Which year did ‘Redball’ do the treble? Well, it’s either that, or I’m a loser. You rounded off the competition believe what you want. with a resounding victory over In ‘Yellowball’, which current international striker joined Arsenal? Oxford. ‘Greenball’ has just broken which ex-Arsenal striker’s record? Poker Zone on Channel 226 The final scores were nightly 7pm - late Cambridge 96 - 85 Oxford in What is the name of ‘Brownball’’s England international relative? For answers to the crossword and Pot the men’s competition and ‘Blueball’s younger brother plays for which Premiership club? Cambridge 98 - 92 Oxford in Black, contact: the women’s competition. Who is the current manager of ‘Pinkball’? [email protected] Varsity 11.11.05 MEN’S FOOTBALL MEN’S RUGBY CUPPERS FOOTBALL MEN’S HOCKEY

Cambridge 0-2 Nottingham Cambridge 19-17 Wasps Fitzwilliam 5-0 St. Catz Cambridge 2-3 Gymkana sport Blues fall to tame defeat with Battling win as Cambridge Poor league start forgotten Parker and Hansell score but poor display against Notts continue Varsity preparations as Fitz demolish Catz a frail defence concedes three IHE DERRINGER MICHAEL Captain’s Corner

HANNAH MCNELLY

Women’s Rugby Captain

CUWRFC had a somewhat disappoint- ing season last year, being relegated from the Premier division of BUSA and losing our first XV Varsity match. That said, our second team, the Tigers, had a convincing victory over their counterparts, the Panthers, in their Varsity match, which has been a great foundation to build a team from this year. As a result, this season CUWRFC has come back fighting and I am now very proud to be the captain of a squad which contains both players with a great deal of experience and other newer players with amazing potential. The season has got off to a very promising start, winning all four of our matches so far against teams such as Nottingham University and Harlow, and also recruiting an extraordinary number of new players who formed a Development team this weekend and won their first match against ARU by an impressive margin. The whole squad is training exceptionally hard even at this early stage of the season with two matches, two skills sessions and at least two fitness sessions a “THE SEASON HAS GOT OFF TO A VERY PROMISING START, WINNING ALL FOUR Blues sliding down the table OF OUR MATCHES” Blair week, but all their hard work is clear- Joswell Cambridge hit by lack of confidence and panic ly paying off, shown by our current clean slate, which has been achieved Cambridge, as slick passing and move- all over the park, which was overlooked Stevenson sent his opponent ten yards by playing some really good rugby and CAMBRIDGE 0 ment left the visitors chasing shadows. in favour of lumping the ball forward in whilst the ball did not move. It was great fitness levels. However despite NOTTINGHAM 2 No goals were forthcoming though, and an aimless search for Mikey Adams and during this period though, that another all of our gruelling training, the girls injury woe, this time to Alex Morgan, Mugan. Disappointingly for the specta- unfortunate injury further hampered the have still managed to make time for struck Cambridge again. Mid-way tor, the likes of Dankis and Lockwood, cause, and Mike Adams was scythed some great socials, which has devel- It's 3.45pm, Wednesday 9th November, through the half, with Cambridge still quality players both, joined in this down by a defender who looked like he oped a great atmosphere within the and the Blues football squad is sat, looking the stronger, Nottingham broke melee rather than relaxing into their had been grown in a lab. The Mutant club. In addition the attitude of each shoulders and heads hanging, upon the down the right, and a tidy finish by a undoubted class. received no card, and continued to mete individual within the club has been luxurious Fenners turf. If it wasn't for player in too much space cost the Blues They're stretching off now, and that's out dubious aerial challenges in the box very commendable, with everyone the fact that it is November, one could the advantage. entirely necessary, as the commitment for the remainder of the match, and as showing great enthusiasm, commit- be easily fooled into believing that With the tide of the match so far, and will to win shown by the team the Blues threw more and more after the ment and desire to make this a Cambridge have just lost a cup final. Blues fans should not have been unduly cannot be doubted; they ran themselves equaliser, a counter-attack by fantastic season. As the dull tones of Captain Mugan's worried, yet on the field, the team into the ground. After the half time inter- Nottingham sealed the win with a With our team going from strength monologue provide a soundtrack to the pressed the panic button, and then, val, whilst still not relaxing to play, the deflected long-range effort. to strength (despite having incurred a palpable sense of disappointment, I con- unsure whether it was working, contin- Blues increased the tempo of the game to As the players wander into the pavil- few injuries early on), the season looks tinue to remind myself that this was in ued to press it repeatedly in a state of such a degree that Nottingham were vis- ion under the gathering gloom, a few like it could be a very successful and fact a league game early in the season, increasing frenzy. This undermined the ibly shaken. This, combined with a series things are striking. That they are walk- exciting one, hopefully culminating in and it hadn't really, as far as defeats go, Blues, who are clearly a footballing foot- of crunching challenges, the hardest of ing off absolutely together, a close-knit a double Light Blue victory at Iffley been that bad. It really doesn't look like ball team. That is to say, there is quality which, by the usually genial Will group. That their drive must be enor- Road on March 5th and a high ranking pointing this out will help though. mous to have been so upset by so in our BUSA league. The squad now As the warm down begins, I strive to mundane a defeat. And that, looking at looks forward to our December tour to build up an overall sense of a game of “IT WILL ONLY TAKE A SMALL the individuals filling the Cambridge Pocklington and to our January train- genuinely few chances, between a shirts, it will only take a small amount ing camp to Biarritz where we shall decent Nottingham University side and AMOUNT OF CONFIDENCE FOR more confidence with the quality and continue to develop the team, no this year's Blues, and the pattern is a dif- team-spirit in place, for this Cambridge doubt both on the pitch and socially! ficult one to define. Early on, it was all THIS SIDE TO GO A LONG WAY” side to go a long way indeed.

8 6 Next Week Quick Kakuro     Quick Sudoku Medium   Medium 9 4  9 3 4 6 Back to mine:    6 2 4 8 Should your  5 1 room be in the Fill the grid so that each run of  squares adds up to the total in  9 2 1 3 Varsity great the box above or to the left. Use    The object is to insert the num- only numbers 1-9, and never use   bers in the boxes to satisfy only 2 9 3 5 room survey? a number more than once per one condition: each row, column run (a number may reoccur in the and 3x3 box must contain the 5 8   Email: [email protected] same row in a separate run). digits 1 through 9 exactly once. 7 9 Solution and solving aids at www.dokakuro.com What could be simpler? © www.dokakuro.com © Daily Sudoku Ltd 2005