Made Us Puff
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APRIL FO I How we retired at the age of 11 with $800 a month "Like many other 11-year-olds, my as you might well imagine, we discov for Phonyex Mutual—in one of twin sister Rhoda and I had been ered an exciting and unusual loophole. the most exciting and unusual black dreaming of retiring for a long time. Namely that any forty-year-old could mail deals cooked up this century. After all, we weren't getting any retire in 15 years with $300 a month, "We heartily recommend similar re younger. We'd begun to notice that providing he first shelled out exciting tirement plans to all 11-year-olds running up and down the two flights and unusual premium payments. Some thinking of retiring. Just remember of stairs in our grammar school some thing like $2000 a year for those 15 this: go find other companies with ex times made us puff. And very often, exciting and unusual years. citing and unusual loopholes. The suck when jumping off our front porch, we "So Rhoda and I went up to the ers at Phonyex Mutual are all ours!" got like drawing pains in our ankles. Phonyex Mutual Offices, and we told Both of these, we knew, were sure the people there what we had discov Send for Free Booklet signs of advancing age. ered about their exciting and unusual The preceding story is not typical at "So we thought about retiring. We retirement income plan. Mainly, that all. Our lawyers are working on this figured out that if we saved half our the only ones who could afford it were case right now, and one of these days combined weekly allowances, we would people who were so rich they had re we'll have those two fresh, blackmail eventually have $500. Which isn't bad tired already! ing brats in jail. However, we assure money. However, we wanted to retire "Naturally, the folks at Phonyex you that you can retire in 15 years at 11, not 101! Mutual begged us to keep our little with wonderful monthly checks from "Then, one day, while thumbing secret to ourselves, and we told them us. Our payment plans are simple, and through a magazine, we came across we would think about it. any millionaire can afford them. But an ad for the Phonyex Mutual Retire "So now Rhoda and I are living on even if you know you can't, why not ment Income Plan. It pointed out that a huge estate in Florida, enjoying life. fill in the coupon below and mail it off any forty-year-old could retire in 15 We like it so much, we intend to spend anyway? We've got tons of regular years with $300 a month for life. the remainder of our twilight years- insurance literature here in our offices, "Well, although we were only 11, say another 80, give or take 10-right and we're dying to find people to send Rhoda and I were so anxious to retire here. it to. When you get right down to it- that we decided to look into this ex "And on the first of every month, sly little sneaks that we are—this is citing and unusual plan anyway. And, like clock-work, we get our check for the real reason we place these ads! PHONYEX MUTUAL LIFE INSURANCE CO. PHONYEX MUTUAL 815 Security Street, Peace-of-Mind, Conn. Please mail me, with plenty of obligation, your free 28-page booklet Retirement Income Plan showing new requirement income plans I can't afford. Also send me one ton of insurance literature • Two tons • fEES OUR FUTURE Three tons • Your whole office-full • Your whole warehouse-full fj OVER 100 YEARS OF COME-ON ADS FOR SUCKERS Name Address — LOOKING FOR THE SOFT LIFE Names and Addresses of friends who like to receive insurance mail NUMBER 54 APRIL 1960 VITAL FEATURES POLITICIANS' AD TESTIMONIALS 4 Let's attract better men by paying politicians for ad testimonials. The dis honest claims are better 'It's a good idea to keep your words soft and sweet than dishonest officials. because you never know when you'll have to eat them!'' Alfred E. Ncuman TELEVISION AROUND THE WORLD. .11 PUBLISHER: William M. Gaines EDITOR: Albert B. Feldstein When an American TV show is shown abroad, changes ART DIRECTOR: John Putnam IDEAS: Jerry De Fuccio have to be made. The one PRODUCTION: Leonard Brenner LAW SUITS: Martin Scheiman, Esq. that ought to be made is: SUBSCRIPTIONS: Gloria Orlando, Celia Morelli k^ denying its U. S. origin. CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS: The Usual Gang of Idiots THE INTERPRETER 17 Since the interpreter is so important, Ike should DEPARTMENTS take an expert to Russia. It's tough enough under A HEAP 'O LIVIN' DEPARTMENT standing him in English. You Can Tell A Lot From People's Garbage 26 BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT America Is Getting Soft 22 PEOPLE'S GARBAGE 26 DOLLAR DIPLOMACY DEPARTMENT We learned something when Ad Testimonials From Politicians 4 .*•»**» we plowed through garbage ' 0$ pails for this article . DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT ^_ mainly, that's where all "The Magician" 8 "The Hero" 40 JH the copies of MAD end up. "Uncle Herman And The Coke Machine" 48 LETTERS DEPARTMENT DISTINCTIVE PICKET LINES 28 Random Samplings From Reader Mail 2 Strikers who follow our MARGINAL MARVIN DEPARTMENT advice might gather some Marvin Introduces a new game: "MAD Y'OX" ** sympathy from passers-by, not for their demands but NYETS TO YOU DEPARTMENT The Interpreter 17 for their state of mind. ONE FOR THE BUCKS DEPARTMENT How I Turned $6.85 Into A Zillion 10 MY FAIR AD-MAN 31 ROADS SCHOLAR DEPARTMENT MAD adapts the familiar Educational Billboards 20 Pygmalion plot to an up- SHAW-FIRED PLOT DEPARTMENT to-date Madison Avenue My Fair Ad-Man 31 local, and makes a fool : out of itself, for Shaw! STARS AND TRIPE FOREVER DEPARTMENT v Movie Land Magazine 43 SPATIAL DELIVERY DEPARTMENT DOCTORS' PROGRESS 41 Mail By Missile 38 ~ •-> "^ MAD salutes our American THAR'S GOLD IN THEM THAR ILLS DEPARTMENT doctors by revealing the Doctors' Progress 41 fantastic progress they've VARIATIONS ON A SCREEN DEPARTMENT made, raising their high Television Around The World 11 standards ... of living! WORKERS OF THE WORLD, REWRITE! DEPARTMENT Distinctive Picket Lines 28 MOVIE LAND MAGAZINE 43 'tl 'W f£* ^AD's version of a movie * 'Consecutive Places Through The Magazine 9 AM/l magazine may get a strong reaction from Hollywood; MAD — April I960, Volume 1, Number 54, is published monthly except February, May, August and November, by E.C. Publications, Inc., at 225 Lafayette Street, New York 12, mainly, your editor might New York. Second Class Postage paid at New York. N. Y. Subscriptions, 9 issues for $2.00 in the U.S. Elsewhere, $2.50. Entire contents copyright 1960 by E.C. Publications. Inc. The end up seeing some stars. Publisher and Editors will not be responsible for unsolicited manuscripts and request all manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped, self-addressed return envelope. The names of characters used in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A. Hi! Marginal Marvin again . with a new game that makes any clod into a gag # cartoonist if he can draw an "O" or an "X" IT'S BETTER TO LETTERS DEPT. I call this great new game "MAD VOX"! PROTEST LETTERS GIVE THAN For your information, the common house-fly does not belong to the Genus Diptera. The house fly is a member of the TO RECEIVE Phylum Arthropeda, the Class Hexopoda, the Order Diptera, the Family Muscidae, as you'll discover when the Genus Musca, and the Species Domes- tica. I realize this might sound trivial to you give the latest you, but I assure you the fly feels quite MAD pocket-sized book... strongly about it. How would you like to RECOMMENDATION be called something you are not? Like Six months ago I was looking for a "journalist," maybe? :; ML - copywriter to round out the staff, and I Richard W. Nagle SI701 WILLIAM M. GAINES'S got a line on a man who had just been Catholic University •me fired from another agency. While check Washington, D.C. C3% ^^Pv'" *^^m^iH ing his references, I called an executive • iiA'&s-1* ii at his previous agency to find out why This is a letter of protest about your &1»^»; TXf£& they dropped him. He talked vaguely at "Protest Letters'" article in the Jan. issue ip> '^""jiit^ ^"A^-'^jpifc, first, not wanting to be a character assas ( # 52). As an entomologist, it is my duty sin, but finally he got to the meat of it. to your readers to warn them about your o^S &S0P ** P 'Well, for one thing," he said, "he's a flagrant misuse of scientific nomenclature. hi-fi bug—not that there's anything wrong Any half-witted, bug-brained fly-lover with that, mind you; but he also—well, knows that "Diptera" is an order, and not s he'd buy records and bring them to me in a genus-/You must have gotten thousands the office and ask me if I ever heard them, of letters like this. f!Ml and I'd never heard of them! Not that there's anything wrong with buying nutty J. G. Cummins «i^0D) records, mind you; but he also—well, he Columbia University Br. reads MAD Magazine/" Needless to say, I New Yok City hired him, and he has become one of our That's right! From thousands of half-witted, best men.