Made Us Puff
APRIL FO I How we retired at the age of 11 with $800 a month "Like many other 11-year-olds, my as you might well imagine, we discov for Phonyex Mutual—in one of twin sister Rhoda and I had been ered an exciting and unusual loophole. the most exciting and unusual black dreaming of retiring for a long time. Namely that any forty-year-old could mail deals cooked up this century. After all, we weren't getting any retire in 15 years with $300 a month, "We heartily recommend similar re younger. We'd begun to notice that providing he first shelled out exciting tirement plans to all 11-year-olds running up and down the two flights and unusual premium payments. Some thinking of retiring. Just remember of stairs in our grammar school some thing like $2000 a year for those 15 this: go find other companies with ex times made us puff. And very often, exciting and unusual years. citing and unusual loopholes. The suck when jumping off our front porch, we "So Rhoda and I went up to the ers at Phonyex Mutual are all ours!" got like drawing pains in our ankles. Phonyex Mutual Offices, and we told Both of these, we knew, were sure the people there what we had discov Send for Free Booklet signs of advancing age. ered about their exciting and unusual The preceding story is not typical at "So we thought about retiring. We retirement income plan. Mainly, that all. Our lawyers are working on this figured out that if we saved half our the only ones who could afford it were case right now, and one of these days combined weekly allowances, we would people who were so rich they had re we'll have those two fresh, blackmail eventually have $500. Which isn't bad tired already! ing brats in jail. However, we assure money. However, we wanted to retire "Naturally, the folks at Phonyex you that you can retire in 15 years at 11, not 101! Mutual begged us to keep our little with wonderful monthly checks from "Then, one day, while thumbing secret to ourselves, and we told them us. Our payment plans are simple, and through a magazine, we came across we would think about it. any millionaire can afford them. But an ad for the Phonyex Mutual Retire "So now Rhoda and I are living on even if you know you can't, why not ment Income Plan. It pointed out that a huge estate in Florida, enjoying life. fill in the coupon below and mail it off any forty-year-old could retire in 15 We like it so much, we intend to spend anyway? We've got tons of regular years with $300 a month for life. the remainder of our twilight years- insurance literature here in our offices, "Well, although we were only 11, say another 80, give or take 10-right and we're dying to find people to send Rhoda and I were so anxious to retire here. it to. When you get right down to it- that we decided to look into this ex "And on the first of every month, sly little sneaks that we are—this is citing and unusual plan anyway. And, like clock-work, we get our check for the real reason we place these ads!
PHONYEX MUTUAL LIFE INSURANCE CO. PHONYEX MUTUAL 815 Security Street, Peace-of-Mind, Conn. Please mail me, with plenty of obligation, your free 28-page booklet Retirement Income Plan showing new requirement income plans I can't afford. Also send me one ton of insurance literature • Two tons • fEES OUR FUTURE Three tons • Your whole office-full • Your whole warehouse-full fj OVER 100 YEARS OF COME-ON ADS FOR SUCKERS Name Address — LOOKING FOR THE SOFT LIFE Names and Addresses of friends who like to receive insurance mail NUMBER 54 APRIL 1960 VITAL FEATURES
POLITICIANS' AD TESTIMONIALS 4 Let's attract better men by paying politicians for ad testimonials. The dis honest claims are better 'It's a good idea to keep your words soft and sweet than dishonest officials. because you never know when you'll have to eat them!'' Alfred E. Ncuman TELEVISION AROUND THE WORLD. .11 PUBLISHER: William M. Gaines EDITOR: Albert B. Feldstein When an American TV show is shown abroad, changes ART DIRECTOR: John Putnam IDEAS: Jerry De Fuccio have to be made. The one PRODUCTION: Leonard Brenner LAW SUITS: Martin Scheiman, Esq. that ought to be made is: SUBSCRIPTIONS: Gloria Orlando, Celia Morelli k^ denying its U. S. origin. CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS: The Usual Gang of Idiots THE INTERPRETER 17 Since the interpreter is so important, Ike should DEPARTMENTS take an expert to Russia. It's tough enough under A HEAP 'O LIVIN' DEPARTMENT standing him in English. You Can Tell A Lot From People's Garbage 26 BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT America Is Getting Soft 22 PEOPLE'S GARBAGE 26 DOLLAR DIPLOMACY DEPARTMENT We learned something when Ad Testimonials From Politicians 4 .*•»**» we plowed through garbage ' 0$ pails for this article . . . DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT ^_ mainly, that's where all "The Magician" 8 "The Hero" 40 JH the copies of MAD end up. "Uncle Herman And The Coke Machine" 48 LETTERS DEPARTMENT DISTINCTIVE PICKET LINES 28 Random Samplings From Reader Mail 2 Strikers who follow our MARGINAL MARVIN DEPARTMENT advice might gather some Marvin Introduces a new game: "MAD Y'OX" ** sympathy from passers-by, not for their demands but NYETS TO YOU DEPARTMENT The Interpreter 17 for their state of mind. ONE FOR THE BUCKS DEPARTMENT How I Turned $6.85 Into A Zillion 10 MY FAIR AD-MAN 31 ROADS SCHOLAR DEPARTMENT MAD adapts the familiar Educational Billboards 20 Pygmalion plot to an up- SHAW-FIRED PLOT DEPARTMENT to-date Madison Avenue My Fair Ad-Man 31 local, and makes a fool : out of itself, for Shaw! STARS AND TRIPE FOREVER DEPARTMENT v Movie Land Magazine 43 SPATIAL DELIVERY DEPARTMENT DOCTORS' PROGRESS 41 Mail By Missile 38 ~ •-> "^ MAD salutes our American THAR'S GOLD IN THEM THAR ILLS DEPARTMENT doctors by revealing the Doctors' Progress 41 fantastic progress they've VARIATIONS ON A SCREEN DEPARTMENT made, raising their high Television Around The World 11 standards ... of living! WORKERS OF THE WORLD, REWRITE! DEPARTMENT Distinctive Picket Lines 28 MOVIE LAND MAGAZINE 43 'tl 'W f£* ^AD's version of a movie * 'Consecutive Places Through The Magazine 9 AM/l magazine may get a strong reaction from Hollywood; MAD — April I960, Volume 1, Number 54, is published monthly except February, May, August and November, by E.C. Publications, Inc., at 225 Lafayette Street, New York 12, mainly, your editor might New York. Second Class Postage paid at New York. N. Y. Subscriptions, 9 issues for $2.00 in the U.S. Elsewhere, $2.50. Entire contents copyright 1960 by E.C. Publications. Inc. The end up seeing some stars. Publisher and Editors will not be responsible for unsolicited manuscripts and request all manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped, self-addressed return envelope. The names of characters used in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A. Hi! Marginal Marvin again . . . with a new game that makes any clod into a gag # cartoonist if he can draw an "O" or an "X" IT'S BETTER TO LETTERS DEPT. I call this great new game "MAD VOX"! PROTEST LETTERS GIVE THAN For your information, the common house-fly does not belong to the Genus Diptera. The house fly is a member of the TO RECEIVE Phylum Arthropeda, the Class Hexopoda, the Order Diptera, the Family Muscidae, as you'll discover when the Genus Musca, and the Species Domes- tica. I realize this might sound trivial to you give the latest you, but I assure you the fly feels quite MAD pocket-sized book... strongly about it. How would you like to RECOMMENDATION be called something you are not? Like Six months ago I was looking for a "journalist," maybe? :; ML - copywriter to round out the staff, and I Richard W. Nagle SI701 WILLIAM M. GAINES'S got a line on a man who had just been Catholic University •me fired from another agency. While check Washington, D.C. C3% ^^Pv'" *^^m^iH ing his references, I called an executive • iiA'&s-1* ii at his previous agency to find out why This is a letter of protest about your &1»^»; TXf£& they dropped him. He talked vaguely at "Protest Letters'" article in the Jan. issue ip> '^""jiit^ ^"A^-'^jpifc, first, not wanting to be a character assas ( # 52). As an entomologist, it is my duty sin, but finally he got to the meat of it. to your readers to warn them about your o^S &S0P ** P 'Well, for one thing," he said, "he's a flagrant misuse of scientific nomenclature. hi-fi bug—not that there's anything wrong Any half-witted, bug-brained fly-lover with that, mind you; but he also—well, knows that "Diptera" is an order, and not s he'd buy records and bring them to me in a genus-/You must have gotten thousands the office and ask me if I ever heard them, of letters like this. f!Ml and I'd never heard of them! Not that there's anything wrong with buying nutty J. G. Cummins «i^0D) records, mind you; but he also—well, he Columbia University Br. reads MAD Magazine/" Needless to say, I New Yok City hired him, and he has become one of our That's right! From thousands of half-witted, best men. bug-brained fly-lovers!—Ed. ; v David Barbour m j^fffifc''^ rjr^ Copy Chief MAD TRUCKS B IIN.-JJB"' IH ^•HM*W< BBD&O 1*G^ HM^'.^MI K$* New York City vl
MAD POCKET DEPARTMENT YOU GET NINE ISSUES FOR THE PRICE OF EIGHT 225 LAFAYETTE STREET NEW YORK 12, NEW YORK SO YOU SAVE 25c WHEN YOU SUBSCRIBE TO MAD I enclose 40c for (But you wosre $2.00 doing it!) SON OF MAD MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS • 225 LAFAYETTE STREET I enclose $2.25 for NEW YORK 12, NEW YORK • THE COMPLETE COLLECTION NAME, 1 enclose S2.00. Put me on NAME. your subscription list, and send me the next nine issues of MAD. I understand that 1 ADDRESS. would have had to pay S2.25 CITY. if I'd gone to a newsstand to buy them. Of course, I also would have had the chance to change my mind and spend the STATE. money on something worthwhile! NOTE: Allow 8 weeks for subscription to be processed All you have to do to play "MAD VOX"! is: /'•'* think of a KHK caption, and then illustrate it with O's and X's . . . like the following . . . if YOU'RE AN EVENING wWIT H FRED ASTAIRE While watching "Another Evening Was it or was it not Alfred E. Neuman With Fred Astaire" on Wednesday, Nov. on the recent Fred Astaire TV show. We 4, I was shocked to suddenly see Alfred couldn't be sure, because two seconds LOOKING E. Neuman doing a dance number. Did after he appeared, the tube exploded! my eyes deceive me, or was it really him? Ken Boldt And if so, what was a low-class bum like Cary, 111. him doing on a high-class show like that? FOR LAUGHS Gary Auten Alfie stole the whole show. He was Denver, Colorado fabulous. TRY A. J. May In my opinion, Alfie deserves an "Emmy," and a show of his own. New Orleans, La. THE TWO BIGGEST LAUGHS IN Marie L. Woods His stupid face ruined the whole show. National City, Cal. Curtis Croulet THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY... Boy, you guys have even warped Fred San Diego, Cal. Astaire's mind with that magazine of yours. That's right! Good ol' Fred was Boy, I sure hope, for Alfie's sake, that MAD dressed up as Alfred E. Neuman on his his girlfriend, Moxie, doesn't find out recent telecast. about his "Chase-ing" around. Lon Pinkowitz Dave McClelland Ridgefield, N. J. Rochester, Mich. AND
FOREVER
MAD MAD FOR KEEPS FOREVER
These hard-bound de-luxe anthologies contain the best material (each different) from past issues of MAD Magazine. You get 128 pages Fred as Alfred Chase-ing Around of riotous material, many in vivid color, and a forward by Ernie Kovacs in MAD FOR KEEPS. CONFUSED REQUEST You get 136 pages of hilarious satire, also many in vivid color, with an introduction by I am a confused MAD reader, mainly Why don't you sprain your brain and Steve Allen in MAD FOREVER. Yes, if you're because when you guys write an article, come out every month? looking for laughs, these two anthologies are sometimes you write it across a whole Mrs. Tom Mills the biggest laughs in the publishing industry! double-page spread like this, and then Arlington, Wash. Mainly, they think we were crazy to print 'em! sometimes you then across the Because we fracture our brains coming out other page like write it across eight-times-a-year!—Ed. MAD ANTHOLOGY DEPARTMENT one page like this this. Please make Please address all correspondence to: MAD, 225 Lafayette Street for a while, and up your minds! New York City 12, N.Y. Phyllis Hendry Dept. 54, Room 706, 225 Lafayette Street, New York City 12, New York Detroit, Mich. Yes, I'm looking for laughs, and I know I'll get plenty, mainly because my friends'll think I'm crazy for ordering: A LOVABLE • MAD FOR KEEPS Q MAD FOREVER (Indicate number of copies of each) APRIL FOOL I enclose $2.95 per copy ordered.
... and his money are soon parted, especially NAME when he falls for this ad and spends it on a full-color reproduction of Alfred E. Neuman, ADDRESS. our "What-Me Worry?" kid. So don't you be an "April Fool!" Send for your copy in March! CITY. .ZONE. Mail 25c to: Dept. "What-Color?", c/o MAD, 225 Lafayette Street, New York 12, New York STATE. DOLLAR DIPLOMACY DEPT. ARTIST: BOB CLARKE Today, most of the characters who enter politics are either millionaires, crooks, „j3S!W0Jd | iSB||3f 'A3U0UJ 9l)J J38 ||,| ilJe3l| B 3AeH iOH., or nuts! Mainly because careers in government service just don't pay well enough & to attract top-calibre people. On the other hand, Madison Avenue continues to pay out gobs of big money for ad testimonials from famous athletes and entertainers, Ad Testimonials il That Unsightly, Plastered-Down Look Almost Wrecked My Political Career! // "I used to dream of having hair that looked like I'd slept in it," says now-unkempt Senator Jack Kennedy, perennial middle-aged boy wonder of the political arena. "Instead, my hair had a greasy, plastered-down look that made people distrust me! And what I used to do to an antimacassar was a crime! Then I tried VITALIS, and the VITALIS Hair-Torture Test. Thanks to VITALIS, today my hair has the tortured look that wins new friends wherever I go! So, if you have any Presidential ambitions like me, I advise you to try VITALIS!"
Vitalis HAIR TONIC 'PROTECT YOUR HAIR WITH VITALIS WHEN YOU THROW YOUR HAT IN THE RING!" II y WRITER: TOM KOCH a m g| > who really don't need the loot. In view of this MAD asks: why not make politics a more lucrative profession by encouraging ad agencies to spread some of their § huge advertising budgets among the men who are in (or who are trying to get into) li *x' government service? Then, we'd see things like these utterly ridiculous . . . •"§£
J^i ' icians HAROLD STASSEN, America's "WHEATIES give me the Outstanding Political Failure says: s lift I need for I'm from Minneapolis 0-- PRESIDENTIAL and I ought to know CAMPAIGNS" SAYS ADLAI STEVENSON
FREQUENT RUNNER-UP IN MAJOR POLITICAL RACES
"I always finish way ahead of the Socialists, the Prohibitionists, and even the big brawny Vegetar ian candidates when I train for my campaigns the nutritious and body-building "WHEATIES" way! Unfortunately, in recent races, my Republican opponents have been able to match my stamina. So why not move up to at least second place in whatever you do, like me, with a daily energy breakfast of WHEATIES with milk and fruit? That is, unless you can find out what breakfast cereal Republicans "A fellow with my knack eat! When you do, please tell me! for never getting elected to anything naturally begins to have some doubts about himself after a while. But I've found one thing that's really great for conquering those Election Night blues. Mainly, I drown my sorrows the light, refreshing, "fun" way... with BLATZ!"
WIN OR LOSE Tie One On The Way Experienced START YOUR DAY ... EVERY DAY ... WITH Politicians Do ... Drink WHEATIES mm "THE BREAKFAST OF ALSO-RANS" Can't we send . * your kid brother to the movies?" X° f
vvlf you want to be "I Never Dreamed That * the life of the party... LEARN Bausch &• Lomb VENTRILOQUISM!" Says Jim Hagerty, CONTACT LENSES Popular Washington COULD MAKE ME SO MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE!" Entertainer
SAYS HARRY S. TRUMAN Former Federal Employee
"I figured I was doomed to spend my whole % #$!&# life wearing those regular #$%&# unsightly glasses because I'm really blind as a #$ % tf! % # bat!" says the formerly unattractive former Federal Employee HARRY S. TRUMAN, resi dent of Independence, Mo.
"Then I asked my #$%&$ optometrist what in I % $ # I could do to discard my unsightly glasses and be alluring to women (other than Bess, who doesn't see too good herself)! I'll be a # %! # if the guy doesn't answer by fitting me with a pair of contact lenses!"
"Talk about your dashing youthful-looking #$%&% lady-killers, here I am in my lll turned White House press con brand new Bausch & Lomb ferences into S.R.O. smash hits contact lenses. My double- merely by learning to project breasted suits still make me look like I'm a square st my voice so it sounds like it's and slightly unattractive, coming from another part of the I admit, but from the neck room. You too, can learn ventril up, I'm a #% living doll!" oquism at home — as I did! It's easy! It's fun! And it's profitable!" Bausch &• Lomb ACME SCHOOL OF CONTACT LENSES VENTRILOQUISM 'YOU'LL REALLY SEE SWELL BEHIND B & L!" 1337 S. Broadway, New York 62, N. Y. £MVWMii "SLICK DICK" NIXON I LOOK SHARP. •... I FEEL SHARP.. • Star Vice-President I AM SHARP THANKS TO MY Of the U.S.A. says: NEW ADJUSTABLE GILLETTE RAZOR!
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"After a hot day of campaigning (without actually admitting I'm "I set the blade angle on my new Adjustable Gillette Razor at "5" doing it), nothing helps me overcome the strain of having to be for a medium beard. This clever move convinces any skeptics who nice to people like a refreshing Gillette Adjustable Razor shave!" may be watching that I'm really just an average sort of fellow!"
"When lathering up for my Gillette shave, I usually resemble Santa "In no time at all, I'm finished except for the transfusion. My Claus, which you've got to admit is a new twist in my campaign to friends tell me that, thanks to my new Gillette Adjustable Razor, create a lovable and benign picture of me for the voting public!" rmgoingtomakethehandsomestPresidentsinceMillardFillmore!"
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; >' i :*&.*,f iim^s&JK# "Darling . . . about your bad breath . . . PON MARTIN DEPT. PART I Lately, our maddest artist, Don Martin, has been fascinated with magic. It all started when he got married, and learned that the hand is truly "quicker than the eye." Mainly, his wife started grabbing the MAD checks before he even saw them! THE "Somehow, a military wedding «X*UXX( frightens me, Herman!" xxxxxxxx' MAGICIAN ONE FOR THE BUCKS DEPT. How I Turned $6.85 Into a Zillion — starting with nothing but ambition, perseverance, and greed
by William Nickelnurser
ERHAPS the family needs a two-room apartment, How to Beat the Tax Bite Phardest thing but can't afford the $40.00 a month Most people feel the U.S. Tax sys about making a mil rent. So you divide the two rooms into tem is fair because it's levied on a lion dollars as a slum four smaller apartments, and rent each graduated scale. That is, the people landlord is wanting it one for $20.00 a month. The poor fami who make more pay more. Well, I've badly enough. It takes lies are happy with the low rent, and figured out some cute little twists that a tremendous amount the slumlord is happy with the in are much fairer. My book tells how you of drive and ambition creased profit. Of course, you may ask, can make more and pay less! As I al to work up enough greed to accom "How can two rooms be divided into ways say, "Let the suckers who don't plish the job. For me, it was easy. I four apartments?" The answer is sim know the tricks, or can't afford sneaky guess it all started when I was a little ply that poor people realize they must accountants, support the country!" boy. We were very poor, and we lived do without such luxuries as privacy, air in a small shack near the garbage and sunlight! As I always say, "It's bet xvThere Must Be a Catch to It!" dump. One day, when we just couldn't ter business to take from the poor and dig up the rent, we were evicted. As give to the rich!" Right now, it would be understand I sat in the snow with my twelve able if you were sputtering, "But, it brothers and sisters, I watched another isn't that simple! It can't be! There Rent Control—How To Beat It must be a catch to it!" Of course there family move into our home. They and Still Stay Within The Law handed our ex-landlord a lot of money, is! If you had a sure-fire way to make and kissed his hand. Using one of the As any smart operator knows, there money, would you go blabbing it to bills to light his huge cigar, he sneered are loopholes in any law. Finding them everyone? 'Course you wouldn't! After sarcastically at my widowed mother, is the key to success. The rent con all, if everyone became as rich as I and twirled his long black moustache. trol laws are full of them, and my am, I wouldn't feel so superior. My Then he kicked my brother, Tom, for book shows you a few that would scare analyst tells me I'm trying to share blocking his way (but Tom was frozen every tenant in America to death. my secrets to make up for my guilt- stiff, so it didn't really matter that he Here's a comparatively mild example. feelings — getting all this loot at the rolled down into the town dump), and We all know that raising the rent on expense of others. Baloney! There's a headed for his chauffeured Rolls an apartment can only be done if the very good reason for this book, and Royce. Right then and there, I knew property is improved. And of course, guilt-feelings have nothing to do with what I wanted to be! the tenant must request the improve it! A long time ago, I realized that ment. Naturally, the miserable wretch greed can be a powerful driving force, I started small. I scrimped and is wise to this trick, and won't co and I know there are millions of greedy saved. My wife and children didn't operate. But fear is a powerful ally people like me. So, with the "Slumlord" have enough to eat or enough to wear, for a slumlord. Simply start a rumor business getting a bit risky these days but that didn't make a bit of difference that old refrigerators can give off (what with all them slum clearance to me. I was determined to achieve my deadly fumes. Then send the building projects and all going on), I decided ambition of someday becoming a huge janitor to "inspect" them — having first to get out while the getting's good, success in the "Slumlord" business. rehearsed him well in his act — saying, and into a new kick where I could Finally, I had enough to buy my first "Tsk, tsk, it's beyond repair! It can go start pyramiding more money. rental property — a fully-occupied con any time! One just like it wiped out a And now, those millions of greedy demned tenement. family across town recently!" They'll people are buying my book like crazy, Building Code Violations Must be pleading for new refrigerators. So and they've started me on my way to Be Fixed you buy a bunch of cheap ones—whole my second fabulous fortune! When it comes to a condemned tene sale — and boost the rent 15%. The ment, there isn't anything, no matter refrigerators are paid off in a year, and how broken-down, that can't be fixed. from then on it's all gravy. Of course, Mail coupon and $4.95 to: Those of you who haven't read my the enterprising slumlord doesn't even SIMON, LEGREE Publishers buy new refrigerators. He merely book will quickly say, "Sure, we know Dept. Greed violations can be fixed—but carpenters, switches them from one apartment to electricians and plumbers cost money. another. This is just one example of 630 Avarice Avenue It would take 50 years to get back an the many ways my book teaches to Slumlordville, N. Y. investment like that!" I say, "Bah!" beat rent control — all within the law! My book shows the way. A successful Please send me William Nickelnurser's 497- slumlord knows how to fix, and whom page book, "How I TURNED $6.85 INTO A How to Gamble with Other ZILLION," for two weeks' free examination. If to fix—mainly the building inspector! I am not convinced that it is the greediest As I always say, "Never spend more, People's Money book ever written, I can return it in 14 days when you can bribe for less!" and get my money back, providing I can What could be more thrilling than to prove conclusively that I haven't read the How to Pyramid Your Money at gamble with other people's money? book through. Think of the pleasure you'll get mak the Expense of Others Name ing yourself rich with money the banks (PLEASE PRINT) The first rule in the slumlord busi lend you. And the best part is: if things ness is: "The poorer the tenant, the don't work out, you don't get hurt. I Address bigger the profit!" The explanation is mean, who cares if you lose the bank's simplicity itself. For example, a poor money! They can afford it! City Zone State
WRITER: AL JAFFEE VARIATIONS ON A SCREEN DEPT.
As you probably know, many popular American television programs are shown in other countries around the world. Which is only fair! After all, why should we be the only ones to suffer? However, what you may not know is: when these American TV shows are presented in another country, certain changes are often made in the format of the program to fit in with the country's social customs. With this article, MAD demonstrates the important changes that are made. Around The World With U.S.Television First, Here's A Typical Popular U.S. TV Series ... x „i9iu puiqaq auoauios o jnoqe 8e8 p|o jeiu JOJ XXX liej 0} am psdxa X||eej FATHER KNOWS BETTER nox idn spueq jnoX daax,,
Hello, Tim! I see you are And now, since you're an extremely handsome as usual, intelligent-type TV father, There's Batty, so and, like a true TV husband, unlike Ozzy, Dogwood, and I'll start with her! you're neat, natty, and full those other clods, why don't TTT1 of pep after a grueling 8 you go inside and help the Hello, Batty! What hour day at the office! children with their average typical teenage I every-day teenage problems? problem can I help j you with in my usual level-headed and intelligent manner?
I Hello, Dad! I was thinking about Well, Batty, as a Hi, Dad! Here's my average, Don't worry, Buz! I'll wearing this black dress instead sophisticated, non- everyday teenage problem: not let you down! An of my print tonight. Also, I might bumbling TV father, yesterday, I robbed a gas intelligent TV father as well tell you that I'm secretly I suggest that you station, drove off in a is a close friend to married. I'm expecting a baby, my| decide the proper stolen truck, and crashed his son during his try husband ran off to Australia, and plan of action for into a police car! I was ing teenage years! So, I'm drinking an awful lot lately! yourself! It isn't | caught, I'm now out on bail, the day before you right for me to butt and next week I expect to leave for prison, you in! However, person be sentenced to five years and I will go out in ally, I prefer the in prison! Dad . . . what can the back and play catch | print dress! you do to help me? for half-an-hour! fit "&'\ w
> ^
I Gee, Daddy! I have no average every I'd be happy to, Catty! Well, Dear, I've helped Tim, you might as well know that day teenage problem, mainly because Perhaps not a WHOLE the children solve their I have decided to leave you! I'm I I'm going on 11. But you can help flight. But I don't see | problems in my usual in-1 going to be Reilly's TV wife in me with something! Since you're not why I couldn't manage| telligent manner, and— a new "Life of Reilly" series. a stupid, bumbling TV father, none at least six or seven Why, hello, Reilly! When Frankly, I'm sick of you and your of us around here ever have fun at steps for you. Anyway, | did you come in? Nice to [ intelligent, domineering attitude. your expense! So for my birthday on it'll be cheaper than i you, fellah! How are Just for once, I'd like to see ! Saturday, would you do me a special buying you a bike! the TV re-runs doing? how it feels to be married to a i favor? Would you, just once that bumbling TV dunderhead in a family | day, fall down a flight of stairs? where the WIFE runs everything, It would mean so much to me, Daddy! like in real American life! Now, Here's The Same Show As It's Presented in ENGLAND ... "No, I don't want a blindfold!" PATER IS BEST INFORMED XXXX.XKKX
I say, Maude, my dear! I'm back] Since we've only been mar I Good evening, Beatrice! Or Hello, Pater! I was think from the office! Had a bit of ried for 48 years, perhaps is it Nancy! No, Nancy's ing of wearing this black touch and go today! Train was you'd like to shake hands my secretary! It must be bathing suit instead of late, misplaced the Carruthers' instead, Timothy! And now, Beatrice! Yes, yes! Mater p!"| my print when I take my report, lost my wallet, and war while I'm warming up the introduced us last July, holiday at the shore this was declared! But I must say beer for dinner, why don't didn't she? Well, out with summer. What do you think?[ you look absolutely ripping to you go inside and help the your problem, child! night! I'd kiss you ... if we children with their average, knew each other better! everyday problems?
Being British, and somewhat reserved, I shall re Hello, Governor! Had a bit of a problem! What shall you do, Herbert frain from a show of emotion. However, let us look Today, I went into a petrol station and Why you shall serve the 5 at it this way! You are forty-seven now! And this bashed the attendant so hard he droppedf year sentence, and be than |summer you may go out with boys! Do you honestly his cup of 4 o'clock tea. Then I robbed ful it is not 10! Imagine— expect a decent chap of fifty-three to think seri- him of 250 pounds and 6 shillings, set forcing a man to drop his ously about dating a girl who wears a BIKINI! fire to the place, kicked two Bobbies cup of four o'clock tea! who seized me, and threw an inkwell at | the magistrate who sentenced me to five years in gaol! What ever shall I do?
m Now, Here's How The Same Show Is Presented In FRANCE .. "Stop! You don't know what you're doing! The law says I'm entitled to a fair trial!" Here's How The Same Show Is Produced In JAPAN HONORABLE FATHER
Hi, Daddy-O! I got no problems, but Honorable son, who has adopted ways of Western le'me give you some Americanized • world, is great disappointment to me! Honorable skin anyway! Hey, man, did you dig ancestors have taken centuries to establish Willie Mays, winding up last year Japanese civilization. Most important thing with a .310 batting average! And 'ol they taught was great difference between right Fabian coming up with another smash path and wrong path. Is important for Japanese R'nR disc? And, man, what about to be always in right! Sorry to say, honorable Tuesday Weld's latest flick? Crazy! son, you are now in wrong! Mainly, honorable Willie Mays did not bat .310 last year! b
I have not teen-age problem, Honorable youngest of honorable father, because I daughters! I am appalled am only 9! However, tomorrow, Do you realize what you I am quitting school, moving have said? Under no cir to Tokyo, renting own apart cumstances will I permit ment, meeting fast crowd, and impolite child of mine studying to be Geisha girl! to take giant step—not Is all right for 9-year-old to ¥>. until you say "May I?" take a giant step in life? FATHER KnOWS BCTT£R, BUT MKITA MOWS BEST
,,UH8!J UE9|3 93|U B 3ABIJ S,J3| And Here's How The Same Show Is Presented In RUSSIA . os " • uoissjiuuioQ Sinxog ajeis am i° sa|nj am MOU>( HE noA..
Hallo, Timolikov! I have surprise for I Hallo, Dorshka, my buttercup! Hi am not your daughter, Dorshka! dinner! It's new dish called "Pizza"! | Vat leetle teenage problem can 11 am your son, Ivan! You vill Pravda says ve invented it last veek! halp my daughter vit tonight?Bfind Dorshka across the room! Vy don't you see if you can halp our children vit average, every-day prob lems? You von't find little Vanya— I had her purged this morning! But Ivan and Dorshka are around somevere! "Gosh, you're a wonderful dancer, Miss Mansfield!" NYETS TO YOU DEPT. A few months ago, Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev visited the United States. Everybody remembers the commotion he made on that occasion. Well, you'd make a commotion too, if your wife forgot to pack your red underwear! Anyway, his visit was of grave concern to the whole world. And President Eisenhower's coming visit to the Soviet Union'will be of equal concern. Because at meetings like this, the fate of the entire human race hinges on every word. Thousands of newspapers, radio and television shows quote verbatim what is said, And yet, they don't really quote Ike, or Nikita, because who can understand them in the country they're visiting? Actually, they quote that other fellow . . . that little guy who stands in the background . . . the one nobody pays any attention to. Yes, this man has emerged as the most important and powerful figure in International Politics today. We happen to be talking about . . . THE INTERPRETER TO ILLUSTRATE THE IMPORTANCE OF THE INTERPRETER, LET'S EXAMINE A STATEMENT MADE BY PREMIER KHRUSHCHEV DURING HIS VISIT TO WASHINGTON LAST SEPTEMBER. NOTICE THE SUBTLE CHANGES IN MEANING THAT THE INTERPRETER HAS INTERJECTED:
Premier This is an indication of our might The Premier indicates that, although we Khrushchev, and power. The U.S.S.R. has developed might have been the first to develop may we have the most advanced and accurate rockets powerful, advanced, and accurate rockets, your comments known. Evidently, the United States the U.S.S.R. welcomes the United States on the Soviet scientists are not competent enough to scientists' competition in accomplishing Union's great accomplish such fantastic feats. Today, even more fantastic feats. Today, no one success with my country claims the moon! Who knows? country can claim the moon! We know it missiles and Tomorrow, the whole world may belong to belongs to the whole world! As for guided rockets in the us! Already, we have guided missiles missiles, let me point out that the East race to control pointed East and West, armed and ready and the West should work arm in arm . . . outer space? to take off from cities in Russia and for the safety of cities in Russia and blast any city in the U.S.A. ... in vast cities in the United States ... in the world ... to pieces. So, Harrisburg, the interests of world peace. So, Pennsylvania . . . watch out! Harrisburg, Pennsylvania . . . rest easy!
SEE WHAT WE MEAN? THAT'S WHY THE INTERPRETER PRESIDENT EISENHOWER TAKES ALONG ON HIS COMING VISIT TO THE U.S.S.R. IS SO IMPORTANT! IN FACT, WE FEEL HE SHOULD TAKE ALONG A TEAM OF INTERPRETERS . . . EACH WITH A SPECIAL TALENT. THEN, THEY CAN BE CALLED IN AS THEY'RE NEEDED. LIKE F'RINSTANCE . . . 17 ARTIST: JOE ORLANDO WRITER: ARNIE KOGEN WHEN IKE HAS TO "TALK TOUGH" WITH KHRUSHCHEV, LET JIMMY CAGNEY INTERPRET:
We in the United States Ike says: "So you're the guy ^ still vividly recall the r J who gave it to Hungary in the Hungarian episode, and IJftUfJj back, eh? Well, listen . . . we will do all that we we don't like punks! So you can, within the scope of tell your guys to lay off, oun r power, to see that a see! And that goes for them similar incident never 1 other countries in your oper happens again, and that ation! We want peace, see, world peace is preserved! and if any rat starts up . . . • - well, he'll be taken care of!"
WHEN IKE MUST BE "SOCIALLY CRITICAL," MORT SAHL CAN DO IT DIPLOMATICALLY; MM I Khrushchev Ike says: "That statement Khrushchev I Ike says: "I don't know very claims that is just Khrushchev's de claims that j much about Wall Street! In American fact, I've never even visited In defense, fense mechanism to overcome America is workers are downtown New York. But as far let me point his own job insecurity! dominated exploited It may be true as our government is concerned, out that, Like he's probably wonder by powerful under the ing, now that he's 65, when that significant when an American official makes under the Wall Street Capitalist they're going to retire him contributions a mistake, he makes a mistake! Democratic Capitalists! to our economic system! —forcibly! Right? Okay! Like he isn't exiled to Alaska! system, the stability are Actually, American workers Right? Okay! I understand that American made by wealthy are exploited! They still a Party member recently called worker has industrialists attained haven't got the four day Khrushchev a "fink," and for week! Disaster! But here in and financiers, three weeks, he had to disguise the highest but the actual standard of Russia, the workers are all himself as a Volga boatman! He abused mentally. Like I saw control of the was caught and eliminated, but living in I government is the world! this typical laborer lift the firing squad applauded him ing 300 pound sacks, which in the hands of for his artistic effort! Actually, is too much for any woman! the people! the Russian people have no say At least, on a collective H in their government! The country farm, women can find their is run strictly by Khrushchev— own level! They can all and Khrushchev is run strictly drive tractors! Right . . .? by Mrs. Khrushchev! Are there Okay! Onward . . . !" any groups I haven't offended?" WHEN KHRUSHCHEV GETS "HUMOROUSLY INSULTING," LET JACK E. LEONARD RETALIATE:
Ike says: "The way you Khrushchev Khrushchev Ike says: "As far as that all guzzle vodka in claims he's claims that is concerned, Khrushchev this country, I'm sur reached you're not is doing an excellent job prised you haven't the moon! doing an for the country . . . but a reached Mars! And What do effective rotten one for the city! We are now in talking about barren job as No, actually he's doing a the process spheres, one look at It's true of developing President that I have great job for the country your head, and I can a number of because my periods . . . but not this country! understand why they rocket engines you play of relaxation Greenland, maybe! Let me chose Yul Brynner for which may equal golf too and recreation, say that I have seen Mr. the 'Brothers Karamazov'! or even surpass much! but I do not Khrushchev . . . and I have And finally, let me say Russia in its feel that it also seen the opening of that if you ever need a exploration of has interfered the Bolshoi Ballet . . . friend—try and find one! outer space! with my duties and I didn't think much ... and watch yourself President! of either of the premieres!" at all times!" |P
k "Sidney, this is your blind date, Selma! Selma, O want you to meet . . . Hey, Sidney!" xx AND WHEN IKE GIVES THOSE QUALIFYING ANSWERS, GARY COOPER CAN SIMPLIFY 'EM:
Khrushchev Khrushchev Ike says: wants to wants to "Nope!" Ike says: First, let me say, in know if know if "Yup!" regard to his question, you agree you agree Well, let me put it that when a proposal for that world that the thrs.way . . . and that world disarmament is disarmament U.S.S.R.'s is not to say that any accepted . . . and I do is the most proposal official agreement is not mean to, in any way, important for world to be either inferred give the impression that problem we disarmament or implied . . . but if the U.S.S.R.'s proposal face today? is the only we are to look at the will be the one which, in sane one we problem in its broadest the final analysis, will can adopt? sense, and take into be accepted, that the consideration all of the ultimate plan which we inherent ramifications will all agree on will involved in solving such be the one that. . . a complex problem . : It ROADS SCHOLAR DEPT. ARTIST: BOB CLARKE Everybody's going around these days claiming that "An educated America means a stronger America!", but nobody seems to be doing anything about it except our dedicated schoolteachers, and MAD Magazine. (Our dedicated schoolteachers seem to be doing everything they can to help the situation, EDUCATIONAL
83 MILES TO... Our Satisfied Customers Report. "The square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum ^BLACKSTONE of the squares of the other two sides!" HOTEL IN CHICAGO PRINCLE'S MORTUARY nts CENTRAL CITY ^ ^— \t\ 1526 GALILEO proved that bodies of dissimilar weight will fall at the same uniform speed . x , 6 within a vacuum,so... /f\ fill up \N\ti\ WHY WAIT FOR AN ACCIDENT...... to learn Newton's Third Law of Motion- "For every action, there is an equal and opposite re-action!"... MAKE SURE YOU'RE PROPERLY L 1 ISISU RF O CI* MHn i ei* C/0>*. • **Z**ffi***%*" WRITER: TOM KOCH and MAD seems to be doing everything it can to hinder it!) Actually, we at MAD feel that Madison Avenue could make a significant contribution toward a more informed public by merely slipping scientific, mathe matical, and historical facts to us cleverly . . . like f'rinstance in these . . . "I swear I'll jump if BILLBOARDS you come any closer!' General Cornwallis, who surrendered When ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL invented the to the Continental Army at Yorktown £^V telephone in 1876 in 1783, never had the fun of saying he discovered W Have a Cote/ <* •t's Fun to Phone' - nu,H0NE SYSTE; mi> COOLIDGE CARRIED MICHIGAN IN QUITO, EQUADOR w,mv rwwt LIVt ALL-STATE NOW! RCA INSURANCE COMPANIES ^ ...which happens to be 6 years. afteCOLOr the Rsignin Tg Vof FOR IQ TODAY, THE UNITED STATES HAS BECOME THE MOST POWERFUL NATION IN THE CIVILIZED WORLD. AND LIKE THE ROMANS, WE ARE BECOMING SELF-INDULGENT. AMERICA IS In the old days, when we needed something at the grocer's Our kids don't even walk to school any more. A bus picks we walked. Today, we drive to the supermarket in our cars. them up at the corner, or Mom drives them the two blocks. LITTLE BY LITTLE, CONVEYANCES ARE There was a time when the average, inactive businessman The necessity of walking is being eliminated from other got his exercise out on the golf course, walking around sports, too. F'rinstance, skiing. A skier once got good the 18 holes. Today, he rides around in a "Golfmobile". exercise climbing them ski hills. Now, he uses ski lifts. AS A RESULT OF SELF-INDULGENCES SUCH AS THIS, THE ROMANS BECAME SOFT AND FAT. AND SO THEY WERE EASY PUSH-OVERS FOR THE LEAN AND HUNGRY BARBARIAN INVADERS FROM THE NORTH. * ? F'RINSTANCE, LITTLE BY LITTLE, WE HAVE STOPPED WALKING, AND TAKEN TO RIDING ABOUT IN CONVEYANCES. AND SO, AS A RESULT, MAD FEELS THAT . . . GETTING SOFT Climbing stairs was once good exercise. Today, the only And in places where elevators would make no sense, like a stair-climbing we do is when the elevator's out of order. two-story building, we've replaced stairs with escalators. ELIMINATING THE NEED FOR WALKING The inactive man also used to get exercise pushing a lawn Recently, the greatest threat of all, mainly the one that mower. Today, the gadget is mechanized. Now, he sits at a threatens to eliminate walking entirely, made its appear- desk all week, and sits at the lawn mower on the weekend. ance. THE MOTOR SCOOTER! TO see its effect, turn page: THE MOTOR SCOOTER IN OUR SPORTS IN OUR Social dancing will have the new look as ballrooms become death traps for couples who aren't light on their wheels. America's National Pastime will take to wheels as crowds cheer a new version of the home run . . . the "home drive". FOOTBALL fflr* Hfflfrti Americans will become so lazy, they won't even walk from the front door to the garage for the car; they'll scooter. Our exciting Fall spectacles will feature a new gridiron star, the Quarterback affectionately called "snake axles". BASKETBALL College and Professional Coaches will search the country for men who can shoot baskets while driving tall scooters. Motor scooters will be carried everywhere, hanging from the back of the family car like a dinghy on a motor yacht. And as infants grow up in this lazy, self-indulgent world, they'll be taught to scooter instead of learning to walk. "Have you anything to ** ELIMINATE ALL LEG-WORK say before I pronounce sentence on you? Q DAILY LIVES The American home will be re-designed for the family on around the house. Instead, we'll hear the screeching of wheels. The patter of little feet will no longer be heard brakes and the clatter of engines as walking disappears. In time, our legs will become vestigial organs, and we'll And round-bottom toy dolls, like the Romans, will be easy end up soft and fat, looking like round-bottom toy dolls. push-overs for the lean, hungry barbarians from the East. A HEAP O LIVIN' DEPT. Do you "want to know the guy who has the real inside information on what's going YOU CAN on in your neighborhood? Well, it's not the postman who gets to see all of your mail! And it's not the delivery boy who LEARN A LOT gets to stand in your foyer so he hears what's going on in your house! Nosiree! WHEN YOU It's the garbage man who gets to haul away your trash! This guy really picks up the dirt! Since we at MAD know all GO THROUGH about trash (because we publish so much of it), we can't help but agree that . . . PEOPLE'S... ARTIST: BOB CLARKE "But the doctor swears x *' * it isn't catching!" 0 KlT ££J JjfJtfM- s SHOE ^&S A <4RT/t) ^V*-* ^%&x jJSfc "MAD Y'OX are fun, eh. gang ? When you're through with ours, 4'J.V Hey, did you notice that the •&J try some "MAD VOX" yourself! >—' "O" always does the talking? GARRACE "Irving, this ferris wheel is making me very nauseous! XX XO XX XX WRITERVHH0HV: FRANK JACOBS E \4^ WORKERS OF THE WORLD, REWRITE! DEPT. Whenever workers go out on strike, they announce the fact to the general public by form X.XXAXXXX.JCO fc XX' ing a picket line, and carrying around "On Strike" signs. The trouble is, there are so "I kin lick any many strikes these days, the public doesn't really notice picket lines like they used man inna housh!" FOR RAILROAD WORKERS hhlt *. soun * Including g*Sfr time-and-a-half »Hlhn •w Columbus Day "egot, Jto Armistice Day anri 'ate i Bastille Day! x Free rides in the cabs for our kids on their birthdays! WOrWn 'wffhmh smelly« 'iremen! «ife*. ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE FOR MOVE USHERS "A. masterpiece A • ~i Ortam Th« Brotherhood of of timmg'- *-erv o to ruin the Mov«e U.her, STARRING X:; « so,, theatre owner. B, LOCAL 4597 9 Jin," Oscar, Ed, Sam Usher's Weekly and Bernie PROUDLY PRESENTS L WITH OOK WHO'S! Tom, AND INTRODUCING Ticket-Tearer STRIKING!" THe 14 Cont;„uous Performance I t M *"** IMPRESSIVE Daffy , PROFESSIONAL tXfh 5^ ^ PICKETS *^mm Direct from their last strike - FOR TELEGRAPH EMPLOYEES ,ESTERN ONION BUT WAINLY L^S^N ONION ( VJE OBJECT ARE ON STRIKE FOR ALL KYNDS OF REASUNS STOP CONSTANT THE MANAGEMENT CLAMES ~ T0 v~*»n«i UUIMES WE ARE SLLOPY IN OUR STUPID USE WORK STOP WE CLAME THE MANAGEMENT IS SLOPP. 0F «ORD STOP y IN ITS CLAIMES SOTP WE SAY CONDISHIONS ARE UNBAREABLE STPO WE OBJECKT TO NO BAR IN THE CUMPANY FREE LUNCHROOME STOP WE OBJEKT TO STop SMALL TV SCREEN IN COMPENY FREE LOUNGE STOP hiKi nn AM V WRITER: FRANK JACOBS FOR TRUCK DRIVERS xciSsr, WE STRONGLY mm**0»« CAUTION Up SO OOMT ,e*w^*>^°oVs « «$& THY iO"*- STOP **sf9 W% ft, «6i v&fflfr JK ^ "fi) A '"D NO IN- JUNCTION SLOW .V*3»" • |N OUR «AY / IP ISP^^ FOR CIRCUS WORKERS FOR OPTICAL WORKERS FOR COLLEGE PROFESSORS "Our •jAortl money, -:r praises honor m"A fair are ^onor. Drttnn is day's the our nothing." iron u on4«esl wages *iunaN_ wages." c 'Sbof jrtint —Racine for a Jl»*p -Shakespeare fair ***** -pope day's *U9$9p work." -Carlyle w&)mfii %- *r r^**- £v A? 5? ^ :F SHAW-FIRED PLOT DEPT. There seems to be a rash of new musicals slated for Broadway based on the "Madison Avenue" theme. Since one of the most successful musicals ever to hit Broadway was "My Fair Lady," based on the book by George Bernard Shaw, we figure it won't be long before we'll be seeing a hit "Madison Avenue" musical along the same lines and called . . . Mi) £ ST. BASED ON THE BOOK "YOU'RE A PIG, MALLION" 'UCKER BY GEORGE BERNARD SCHWARTZ NIC ACT 1, SCENE 1: EARLY MORNING ON MADISON AVENUE, OUTSIDE OFFICE BUILDING HOUSING BVD&O, A LARGE ADVERTISING AGENCY. ENTER OFFICER EINSFOOT . . , ENTER HENRY HIGGENBOTTOM AND CHARLES PICKERWICK, BVD&O ACCOUNT EXECUTIVES ON THE WAY TO WORK ... FOLLOWED SHORTLY BY IRVING MALLION, A BEATNIK... ^- lw?l/f/^ IT I said anyone, and You're on, Tell me, You're a writer, eh? I'm hip to Don't confuse the issue! I meant just that! Higgen- my good So much the better! that groove, Art has nothing to do with Are you willing to bottom! man, wha That tickles me, My friend and I are Man, being it! In my line, art is an wager your Chrysler do you Man! I got no having an argument a creative absolute hindrance! account against my .;''':;JjB do for a gig! I mean, we'd like settled, artist.. . I// Marlboro contract? living? writers like and it concerns me got no eyes writing—in a way! U for all that heavy bread * z. Look at you, a writer filled with heartache, Here, and in the Village Square, Who could be writing copy, but for art's sake; Writers gather to compare By rights, you should be taken out and taught But, That is why the beatnik generation Works of art they think will make the grade. That, today, serious writing is just not bought talent . Could use a Madison Avenue education! Wasted scribblings that appal; Such books won't be read at al. If you've got to write, at least get paid! All I want is a pad somewhere Li Lots of coffee, and lots of beer, Oh, so Kerouac caring nothing Modern paintings Way downtown near the Village Square, __ Lots of parties that last all year, How the world lives on; to set the mood; Without a phone or care ... With no landlord to fear I would never budge till it They'll look normal I Kerouac isn't a thing! Kerouac s A person, Then it's settled! For the next two Let me make one more All right, Mallion! squares! Jack Kerouac is our leader—our months, you belong to me. I will late scene with the I'll see you at inspiration! He wrote "On The Road!" provide your food, your lodging, cats I dig the most, 9:00 AM tomorrow! Man, like 1 dug that book so much I and your clothes, which I will and I'll glim you in wrote a sequel to it called "Son Of choose! During that time, I will the early bright! On The Road." bv Irving Mallion! attempt to teach you to become an CTTTT] : ~ •: ! I ' I " Ad-Man! At the end of the two Would you like It would groove months, if you desire to stay, I it published, me the most! I'd will get you a good position at Mr. Mallion.' give anything! BVD&O. If not, I will have your 3E book published, and you will be free to return to your sickening existence. Are you ready to start? ACT 1, SCENE 2: A CAFE ESPRESSO SHOP IN GREENWICH VILLAGE. IRVING MALLION, THE BEATNIK, IS EXPLAINING THE DEAL TO A GROUP OF HIS SEEDY FRIENDS . . . JB_ . . . and that's the But, Glib Street, Irving! I Man! Like playing it square Well, like I just gotta pitch! I figure I'll dig that creative cats have for two months can be a drag! make it, Cats! But don't play it cool for a to be bugged till they make Do you dig that it means worry! I may be packing double bill-payer it, but this Madison Avenue slipping the bed before two my grey matter uptown, until my gig comes on! bit is, like, too far out! bells, and scoffing a ... but I'm stowing my ticker choke . . . breakfast? Tfl here in the Village! For... I No more a beatnick ... Yes, I'll be an ad-man in the morning; wear a suit, and nose of brown 3 Can't let the boys from Westport down; I'll be a hack. You needn't look at me and frown; Off goes my beard-o; „ No more espresso; My underwear will... If it's appalling, No more a weird-O; My new address-o Have buckles in the back! You I'll be calling 'Cause I' m moving way uptown. Is somewhere with the squares uptown. To take me from that place, To snatch me from that life, To save me from that world uptown! *Sung to the tune of: "QefMe 7o 7he Church On 7ime!" —;gw« .'.,.„& . i i uimiiiMiiiy aa»s— ACT 2, SCENE 1: THE NEXT MORNING. HENRY HIGGENBOTTOM AND CHARLES PICKERWICK DISCUSS THE PREVIOUS NIGHT'S EVENTS IN HENRY'S PLUSH OFFICES AT BVD&O . . . You know, Pickerwick, Come now, Henry! Kind of you, Pickerwick! Daddy-O! At Well, if that's perhaps I was a bit Let's not start But.. . sniff, sniff . .. this moment, your goal, Mr. too hasty in choosing out pessimistically. what is that foul smell? the only smell Mallion, the first a subject for our Why, 111 even help Oh . . . it's you, Mallion! I got eyes for thing you've got little experiment. I you out, knowing, Come in. Come in! And tell is the "sweet to learn is to be must admit that pig, of course, that you me .. . why don't beatnicks smell of full of life . . . Mallion, has me worried! can't possibly win! believe in bathing? Or is success "! LIFEBOUY, your philosophy to make I mean! the rest of the world "Pay through the nose"? You've never had a clean shave or a haircut! With a little bit; Oh, I can see "your best friends haven't told you"; With a little bit; A bigger bum, I never hope to see! I With a little bit; And I might add your breath's not "kissing sweet"; With a little bit; Your taste is sad in choosing what you wear!! BUT- A drop of Stoppette no one's ever sold you—BUT— With a little bit of soap With a little bit of soap; With a little bit of soap; you'll smell real neat! With a little bit of soap; With a little bit of soap; You'll be looking just like him and me! You'll smell better than Palmolive-Peet fou might have You've got real charcoal staining your grey flannel; walked through I thought those shoes were for the tennis game; sewers in If you were on TV, I'd switch the channel—BUT— Brooklyn ... With a little bit of soap; But with a With a little bit of soap; little bit You and Cary Grant will look the same! of soap you'll smell reai neat I was hoping you'd feel By George, Two months, To you, perhaps, that way! Now, I know he's got it Pickerwick? Henry! But would we're on the right track! By George, Two weeks is he pass for one But, to look like an ad he's got it! more like it! of us at... say, man is one thing! To think Why, he's the monthly like one is another! I practically an account exec and will now teach you the copywriters' brain most important basic storming session? principle we have here on Madison Avenue! You'll quickly learn just how to do back-slapping; And how to say what's wrong L0 is right; For if you want to stay /J To get your weekly pay You've got to "yes-yes-yes" all night! b 3, SCENE 1: THREE WEEKS LATER. HIGGENBOTTOM HAS BEEN PASSED OFF AT THE BRAINSTORMING SESSION AS HHII I can't see why That's just it, Yes! Not in the Good morning, Don't bother, Mallion! you're so unhappy, Pickerwick! We did physical sense, Henry, Charles! We understand completely! Henry! You've won too good a job on perhaps, but his If you have a I want you to know that your wager. Mallion the poor lad! Did mind was fresh moment, I'd like I'm sorry I got you mix was introduced as you see him, shaking and clean, free to discuss our ed up in this madness ... the head of our Los hands with every of the falseness and that I'll start Angeles copy depart body, agreeing with of our world. And making it up to you im ment, and no one things we know are we threw him into mediately by calling a suspected a thing so completely con it... chin deep! publisher friend of trary to his nature. mine. Your novel will We did him a gross be printed, and you'll injustice! We ruined be free to return to \S '> ' him! We found him your old life as soon fresh and clean ... as you wish! and we... i J i % If Return to I've grown accustomed to this place; |_ You see, I've grown to be dependent I've grown accustomed my old life? It's clear that I was once a goon; on my clothes from Italy; to the life; Are you 've grown accustomed to the boys The snide remarks and insults Accustomed to the dough; now make so wittily; Accustomed to this place. fellows out Who "con" you with their poise; The "spot"; of your minds? The "ad"; Who needs it? Accounts I pad Are second nature to me now, Like sipping scotch all afternoon; SPATIAL DELIVERY DEPT. A few months back, the newspapers ran stories about the launching of a U.S. mail- carrying rocket. According to postal authorities, this experiment will lead to many things. We agree - it surely will lead to many things - all bad! Mainly, if the ARTST BOBCLARKE HERE ARE SOME OF THE PROBLEMS WE CAN EXPECT With our luck in rocketry, we'll need expanded facilities Mail by missile will create inconveniences for the public, to handle the rush of business at thessmaiL dead letter office. especially those who forgot to follow postal regulationsaw. This added glamour will bring strong demands by postmen Out over the Western plains, there'll be a revival of the for costly new uniforms (and costly new salaries to match), old-fashioned art of mail robbery (by "Skywaymen," yet!). / MEN! PREPARE FOR A CAREER IN THE U. S. MAIL FORCE ENROLL NOW in the MASSACHUSETTS INSTITUTE of POSTAL TECHNOLOGY government's involved, there's sure to be plenty of goofs. And anyhow, what's the point of delivering mail faster, when the mail most of us get these days shouldn't even be delivered at all? The whole country's in for trouble once we start sending ONCE THIS METHOD OF MAIL DELIVERY IS ADOPTED WRITER: SY RE It will mean new headaches (and possibly other new aches) This new method of mail delivery will bring a change (for for stamp collectors, due to radioactivity in outer space. the worse) in the literary quality of cards and letters. And that's just the beginning! Because the first time one of those furshlugginer mail rockets accidentally goes off course . . . WE'RE REALLY IN FOR TROUBLE! e 0* .4A\e* rf>* *»!> £< »NS f 3»e* <*«* S*ot v$ ^ C s l e 0 rfjil.*' „v\ * «S» . » * ,.c „to« „,o*„ \«*k *o* v^ co* :,^' DON MARTIN PEPT. PART II Our maddest artist, Don Martin, had alway dreamed of rescuing a damsel in distress. The closest he came was handing his wife a bottle of Pepto- Bismol. And then, last week, he got his opportunity ... his chance to be YESTERDAY TODAY THAR'S GOLD IN THEM THAR ILLS DEPT. WE ARE ALL FAMILIAR WITH THE MARVELOUS ADVANCES THAT MEDICAL SCIENCE HAS ACHIEVED IN THE LABORATORY ... BUT HOW MANY OF US EVER STOP TO THINK ABOUT THE MARVELOUS ADVANCES MADE BY OUR WONDERFUL FRIEND . . . THE FAMILY DOCTOR? IN THIS ARTICLE, MAD CAREFULLY EXPLORES THE . . . DOCTORS" PROGRESS en "Stop it, Henry! What kind ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRITER: AL JAFFEE of a girl do you think I am!' In the old days, distance was a serious problem. Patients Today, the telephone immediately spans long distances and often had to cover long miles to reach a doctor, and this reaches the doctor's office, where the nurse can tell you resulted in many dangerous . . . and even fatal . . . delays. how many days you'll have to wait before you can see him. In the old days, waiting rooms were small, uncomfortable, Today, the busy physician includes a large, comfortably- and offered no diversion, such as magazines, to quiet the furnished, modern waiting room as a part of his offices, nerves of the anxious patients waiting to see the doctor. which makes the ordeal of getting sick almost a pleasure. In the old days, the lack of up-to-date medical equipment Nowadays, excellent equipment is available to the General made it difficult for the doctor to administer properly Practitioner, only he doesn't have it! Instead, he sends to the patient who came to him with any serious problem. his patients to the guys who do . . . THE SPECIALISTS! In the old days, a day off for a doctor was rare, and if Today, no matter where the doctor goes, he can remain in it was taken, was particularly rough on his patients who constant touch with his office to advise emergency cases *SJ X X had no way of reaching him should an emergency case arise. which arise that he's operating, and find another doctor! i Z I X X X x 5± ~ 5. X > X X In the old days, the doctor's bill took a long time to be Today, our modern billing methods, fast mail service, and gS* X X settled. Mail was slow, and often he forgot to send one, •* x mainly collection agencies, lawyers, and courts make this, 'Z* X X. so the patient usually had to remember to pay it himself. the doctor's most important activity, quick and efficient. " x X STARS AND TRIPE FOREVER DEPT. A couple of issues back, we confessed that MAD wasn't the funniest magazine on the news stands today. We said that those serious Teenage magazines were much funnier. Well, now we've got another confession to make: mainly, we were wrong! Those serious Teenage maga zines aren't the funniest magazines on the newsstands today, either. Those serious Movie magazines are even funnier! Judge for yourself, gang, with our version of an issue of . . . FROM THE H SAL and ELSA I SCENES FROM EDO "KOOKIE" BYRNES' THE FACTS BEHIND HOLLYWOOD'S i HILARIOUS NEW CINEMASCOPE COMEDY HOTTEST ROMANCE RUMOR "The Albert Einstein Story" (Which We Made Up First!) ARTIST: JOE ORLANDO WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL HE'S MIGHTIER THAN HERCULES ... MORE POWERFUL THAN SAMSON . . . ALMOST AS STRONG AS VIC TANNY!! .wio hurr aEssh ^/> V ttBESBSk »-\ » STA.R.R,I3STC» ZAZU PINKY CARMEN HAPPY LYIE SONNY DEANNA with pins LEE LOMBARDO CHANDLER BETTGER TUFTS DURBIN ARNOLD Produced and Directed by Ira Quickbuck * Screenplay by Rocky Graziano and introducing THE ENTIRE TURKISH ARMY as "ANDY" STANG Based on a Bad Dream by Yogi Berra 44 MY EXCLUSIVE By HOLLYWOOD Louella Parsnips It's a Spring divorce for beaming Biff Bopp and lovely Sharp-eyed honor students from Hollywood High School's Kim Storch (his 18th, her 11th), shown here at Ciro's. Current Events class spot a famous world figure at the Biff's next wife, Zelda, is waiting outside in the car. recent premier of "I Was A Teenage Chicken-Plucker." can't tell you how excited 1 am is not one to let his folks down. Paul Frankie has agreed to sing only 41 I about the way lovely Dibbie resolved to have his elderly parents songs, many of which will be in a Raynors has bounced back after her live much closer to him than they had slow, serious tempo. recent tragic divorce. Right now, been, just as soon as he made it big Dibbie is the "dating-est" gal in here in Hollywood. And so, last week, Ingrate Dept.: Since I am the most town. Since 9:00 A.M. this morning, devoted son, Paul, moved his mother important single individual here in she's already dated Arnold J. Love and father out of their one-room tene Hollywood, and the second most im lace, Lyle Bettger, Georgie Jessel, ment flat in the Bronx, and into their portant person in the whole world (I Slats Fazzuli, her Laundry Man, her brand new home ... a one-room tene believe Hedda Hopper might out Gardener, and a wandering "I-Cash- ment flat in Chicago. rank me by a hair!), I want to say Clothes" man named Irwin. And that this is the last time I'll ever give the amazing thing is: Dibbie has a "You Never Know In Show Biz" newlyweds Piper Pepper and Pupi whole afternoon and evening ahead Dept.: Only six short months ago, Pappy permission to get married. Not of her! Good work, Dib! young hopeful, Tab Sfortz, was an only did they have the gall to evict me usher in New York's Paramount from their honeymoon cottage after Ignore all those ugly, disgraceful, Theater. Today, Tab is an usher in I'd spent only 13 days with them, but and disgusting rumors that vicious New York's Capitol Theater. they had the effrontery to make me people around here keep spreading sleep in a separate room. I say: Pooh- about the Tab Bentleys and their two- Hats off to Edd "Kookie" Byrnes pooh to Pupi and Piper! week-old marriage. Take it from me, for being a great American patriot. they're definitely getting a divorce! Last week, "Kookie" bought himself There's never a dull moment in the biggest swimming pool in Cali Hollywood with fun-loving play Naomi Pfefferman, the fabulous fornia . . . "The Pacific Ocean." But boy-actor Hugh Tsardis around. 14-year old actress who has been patriotic. "Kookie" is allowing the Last night, Hugh dynamited the Number-One Hollywood Screen United States Navy free use of his Black Derby Restaurant, killing 234 Star for almost three years now, got swimming pool for naval maneuvers people, many of whom were former the scare of her life last Wednesday. next summer. I'm proud of you, wives of his. Hugh, when are you Somebody at the studio told her "Kookie." going to grow up? that she might have to make a movie! Fortunately, it was just one Nobody could be happier than 1 That's all for this month from My of those practical jokes. For which to learn that Rock 'n Roll great, Exclusive Hollywood. Next month, all of us who know and love Naomi Frankie Avalon, has landed the the juicy details on how I didn't let 12 are grateful. starring role in the forthcoming different Hollywood couples get mar film, "The End of the World by ried. Also, exciting photos of six of I'm glad to see that handsome Atomic Radiation." Because of the them down on their knees begging young screen sensation, Paul Umlaut, serious nature of this picture, me. 45 The Magic Is Gone From Our Divorce What was hailed as the most successful Hollywood divorce of the year 1957 has turned into an uncomfortable happy marriage for two warm, wonderful people who are now hen no-talent starlet, Phoebe Bebe, and desperately trying to find out W I filed suit for divorce a few years what went wrong and why! ago, you couldn't find two happier people in all of Hollywood, except maybe our Press Agents. True, both of us had been divorced from other people before, but this divorce, by Lance Boyle we felt, would last forever. How little we AS TOLD TO GLORIETTE DIRT knew what the future would bring! Everything was wonderful for a few months. Phoebe and I separated, ignored one another, and even lived in different States. If ever we did meet, we would hit, kick, curse, and throw things, just like any typical divorced Hollywood couple. Our screenland friends and movie fans were very happy for us. And then, one day, it happened. How? Who knows? How do any of these things happen? A kind word you didn't mean to say. A laugh instead of a sneer. An accidental kiss, instead of a punch in the mouth. All that Phoebe and I knew, suddenly, to our horror, was: OUR DIVORCE WAS NEVER MEANT To BE! Oh, we tried everything to save it. We visited Hollywood psychiatrists who specialize in breaking up marriages. We double-dated with happily-divorced Hollywood couples in their broken homes. We took comfort at their youngsters, each of whom could visit upwards of eight parents apiece on any given weekend. But it was no use. WE WERE HEADED FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE, AND THERE WAS NOTHING EITHER OF US COULD^BO ABOUT IT! I don't have to gc/into detail about our getting back together again, our second honey moon, and the arrival of our two children. The memory is too painful. But now, what of the future? Phoebe and I have made up our minds. We're going to really Lance Boyle and Phoebe Bebe in happier days, when everybody settle down and take one more crack at a thought their once-in-a-lifetime divorce would last forever. divorce. And we hope and pray that, this time, it will work. Not so much for ourselves. But for our children's sake. 46 If you have any questions about Hollywood that you'd like answered, simply address them to: Dear Sheldon, MOVIE LAND MAGAZINE, Direct From The Heart Of Hollywood, Box 12, Passaic, New Jersey. Sorry, but we only print the most interesting queries. Unless we happen to know the answers to the dull ones. •••• k Fantastically Fabulous Q: What ever happened to the great char Q: I am the President of an international •••• Merely Fabulous acter actor Harvey Zucker? I haven't seen organization of atomic scientists, physicists, kkk Superb, but not Fabulous him since the memorable pyramid-building physiotherapists, Nobel Prize winners, as- •• Excellent, but not Superb scene in "The Ten Commandments," in tronautical engineers, and philosophers. • Magnificent, but not Excellent which he carried a pebble. How can I get in touch with the Sage of A—Recommended for Adults and Children J. A., DOVER, DEL. Hollywood, Miss Tuesday Weld, so that she B—Recommended for Children and Adults can lecture us on some interesting topic C—Recommended for Adults, Children, and Pets A: Harvey is on his way to bigger things. next month. In "Ben Hur," he carries a rock. ***** MARVIN MEETS THE ANTEATER MAN — B. V., WASHINGTON, D. C. Fabian, a Rock 'n Roll UN Secretary General, Q: My wife claims that the gruesome me sets out through the deadly North Bronx Swamp A: Tuesday is on the East Coast now, so to build a radioactive Monopoly set. Spring By- chanical man who got his head torn open you're in luck. Write her do Department ington provides the love interest. A rollicking, ro during the Horror Movie on The Late of World Enlightenment, United Nations, mantic comedy. (B) Show last night was Boris Karloff. I claim it was Doris Day. Who is right? B. V., MADISON, Wise. A: Neither of you are right, because there was no Horror Movie on The Late Show last night. You were probably watching a Horror Headache Commercial. Q-. I'm just crazy about that dynamic new ••••SOPHIE GOES TO WAR-Based on the actor, Rock Cowznofski. Could you answer historical true life of the world-famous explorer- philosopher-raconteur, Tuesday Weld, this excit some important questions about him for ing drama will make you laugh, cry, and itch in me? Like; does he carry out hrs garbage spots. Starring Marjorie Main (as Tuesday), Q: I know that Tony Curtis is not his reai in a paper bag? What does he like better William Bendix (as Wednesday), and Arnold J. name. Can you tell me what he is actually on Pizza, anchovies or sausage? Which Lovelace (as himself). (CJ known by to his family? side of his face does he shave first? Does R. S., SEATTLE, WASH. he ever get hay fever? Has he got an aunt named Yetta? And what's his next pic A: His children refer to him as "Daddy." ture? • •••• THE LAST ANGRY CHICKEN-PLUCKER— Against fearsome odds, Dr. Frankie Avalon, a G. B., BATON ROUGE, LA. Rock 'n Roll surgeon, fights to save Disneyland Q: Is it true that the forthcoming film, A: Honestly, the nosiness and sheer nerve from the threat of a serious athlete's foot epi "The Supreme Court Story," will star the of some of you movie fans simply amazes demic. Bette Davis plays his mixed-up teen-age three McGuire Sisters? Since this movie me! Why on earth could you possibly daughter, Thursday. (C) will deal with men, this sounds hard to believe. want to know something as personal as the name of his next picture? C.S., QUINCY, III • •• THEY CAME TO THE A A P-Civil War Gen A: It sure does. Actually, the film will star eral Gary Crosby saves a frightened corporal (Bri- the Three Stooges. gitte Bardot) from a firing squad by impersonat ing President Eisenhower. Ulysses S. Grant plays Tommy Sands as a boy. A heart-stirring drama. Q: Last month, MOVIE LAND Magazine ac tually was stupid enough to write a story about someone named Cary Grant! What's the idea of wasting valuable space on un known actors, when there are so many Hollywood Stars around, like: Ricky Nel Q: What Academy Awards did that excel son, Tommy Sands, Tuesday Weld, Fabian, lent Rock 'n Roll movie, "You're Nuthin' ••• LADY CHATTERLEY'S ACCOUNTANT-When Sandra Dee, and Arnold J. Lovelace? Do you But A Houn' Dog," win last year? an accountant named Irving (Ricky Nelson) dis realize that an article like that could put covers that his lovely client (Jane Darwell) owes R. E., LANSING, MICH. you out of business? I think your Editor is S2.89 in back taxes on her two-million-acre an idiot! ranch, the fun really begins. Ricky and Jane sing A: Best Foreign Sounds In An English- 56 hit songs, some with accompanying music. Speaking Picture; Best Screenplay By A B. F., BIRMINGHAM, ALA. Also starring Melvin, the Wonder Horse, who Seven-Y ear-Old Boy: and Best Screen sings 3 hit songs. A first class science-fiction Story Adaptation From A Chinese Laun A: Since this is our last issue, I can safely thriller. (A,B,C) dry Ticket. say that I agree with you! 47 DON MARTIN DEPT. PART III "Mirror, mirror ... c^ on the wall . . ." For his parting shot, Don Martin recalls the time he visited his Daddy's office, and learned all about the business...of • 48 your to get BY STICKING OUT YOUR NECK, AND ORDERING... A LIFE-LIKE, 3 DIMENSIONAL BISQUE CHINA REPLICA OF MADS ALFRED E. NEUMAN This delightful chalk-white, bisque china bust of Alfred E. Neuman, our "What—Me Worry?" kid, will add a VVMAD" note to your home, mainly that note of hysteria when your friends see it. Here is an attractive decoration for your desk, mantel, book shelf, or garbage pail. Use it as a centerpiece for your tropical fish tank . . . or a place to park wads of chewing gum ... or as a conversation piece to end all conversation. If you're looking for a collector's item, here is an item that will really collect . . . dust! Comes in two sizes: 5Va" and Z3U". Act Today! 0 6ALLERY OF UNOBJECTIONABLE Introduce a little laughter into your homelife! HOIO at its use coupon or duplicate I ENCLOSE $_ FOR: INDICATE MAD BUST [J 5%" Bust(s) at $2.00 each AMOUNT AND 3 NUMBER OF 225 LAFAYETTE STREET I ] 3 /4" Bust(s) at $1.00 each BUSTS NEW YORK 12, NEW YORK Please rush my bust(s) of NAME. Alfred E. Neuman. I wantto introduce a little laughter into my homelife...mainly ADDRESS. the laughter I'll hear when my family takes a look at CITY. .ZONE. .STATE. how I waste good money. THE MAN IN COMMAND Pompous ... Pig-headed ... Pathological — a sucker for an ASPIRE shine-up The Man in Command DR. FENWICK STERNWALLOW The Destroyer U.S.S. Queeg The Navy's chickenest ship First and only blend of 9 delicious ingredients to make an Aspire shine-up palatable! NEW FORMULA Aspire Boot-Lick Polish is a unique blend of delicious ingredients developed after years of research by the skilled Aspire chefs to make boot-licking a little more tasty when you gotta do it. 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