Instant Messaging: Keeping Your Child Safe and Secure

Home , ICQ, Spark (XMPP client), Trillian (software)

Online Instant Messaging: Keeping Your Child Safe and Secure

Presented by: Meredith Stannard, Nauset Regional High School [email protected]

Barbara Dominic, Nauset Regional Middle School [email protected]

By Karen Thomas, USA TODAY

Breaking up. Making up. Making plans. Asking out. Saying "hey."

From the mundane to the emotionally charged, there are no limits to the ways today's kids connect and bond over instant messages (IMs) — those pop-up text windows used for carrying on real-time conversations online.

"It's not just empty chatter. They're using (IMs) to have difficult conversations — someone's talking behind your back and you want to confront them," says Amanda Lenhart of the Pew Internet & American Life project. Its survey, out Thursday, finds that nearly three-fourths of online kids ages 12 to 17 rely on IMs to keep in touch with friends.

Caroline Barker, 16, is among 35% of teens who use IMs daily; she chats with about 10 close friends and 50 acquaintances in the Bethesda, Md., area. "It's especially good for making plans, or if you're just bored," she says.

"It's a given that everybody has it," adds her friend Valerie Hutchins, 15.

These Maryland friends IM while doing homework, talking on the phone and watching TV. And they offer insight to the complex social rules that come with a form of communication that still has many adults bewildered.

"We see teens up at all hours of the night IM-ing. Thirty years ago, teens were on the phone all night," says Joseph Walther, editor of the Journal of Online Behavior. "This could be another step in our own communication evolution."

Pew's survey of 754 teens finds that face-to-face interaction and phone contact have been partially replaced by IMs. Teens use them to nurture friendships, begin and end romantic relationships and mediate difficult conversations with the emo- tional distance the Net provides. Pew says 17% of the teens have used IMs to ask someone out, 13% to break up.

Sometimes IM misunderstandings (text messages lack body language and voice tone) can spark hurt feelings and feuds, but different fonts and keyboard symbols can make smiley or sad faces, known as emoticons.

For Barker and her friends, even the subtle difference between Hi and Hey that most adults dismiss sets the whole mood for a conversation. “Hi is formal, and it means you’re busy and you don’t really want to talk. Or maybe you’re mad about something,” explains Hillary Lowenberg, 16. “Hey is more open and informal and friendly, and you’re in the mood to IM.”

Many people find instant messages intrusive, and 57% of teens surveyed said they have blocked IMs, and 64% have refused to respond to IMs from someone they were mad at. Still, 48% of online teens believe IMs, warts and all, improve friendships. Among frequent users, 60% say it helps friendships.

While 61% of teens agree that the Internet is not ideal for making new friends, they use Net tools to broaden their networks of friends. Pew used several teen focus groups and online discussions to delve more deeply into teen Net use. Some teens say they give out their IM user name instead of phone number to new friends or potential dates. "Many believe that instant messaging allows them to stay in touch with people they would not otherwise contact — for instance, those who are only casual acquaintances, or who live outside their communities," the report says. More than 90% of teens surveyed said they IM with friends who live far away, such as those they met at camp.

The study found a growing number of teens sharing passwords — a practice Internet service providers warn against. But more than a fifth of Pew respondents (22%) say they've done it. "It's a new symbol of trust and friendship," says Pew project director Lee Rainie. "In the pre-Internet days, one way to show how fond you were of someone was to give out a locker combination."

Lenhart notes that parents "are a little mystified about why kids find this a satisfying conversation. If you didn't grow up with it, you'd think in some way it was less than a face-to-face." 2 But 64% of teens say they know more than their parents about using the Net — and 66% of parents agree.

INSTANT MESSAGING (IM) INFORMATION FOR PARENTS

Instant messaging has replaced the telephone in the lives of many young teens as the way to communi- cate with their friends singly or in a group. It is not uncommon for students to be doing their homework, listening to music, and “talking” with ten of their friends all at once!

The Internet is a great communication tool, but, as a parent, you need to be aware of what your child is doing, especially in this area of instant communication nicknamed “IM”. Here is some of the vocabulary you will need to know when talking to your child about this process.

Tips for Parents

Instant messaging real-time computer-based communication, often in a “room” with many other users, running on remote computers called servers Client software running on the local computer which allows access to IM servers

Buddy List (Contact List) the list of IM users that your child has agreed may contact him or her

Status The ability, when logged into a IM service, to leave a message for others such as “Busy now, doing homework” and restricting the ability of others to “call” Log The feature on some IM clients which records a transcript of all “conversations”

Chat slang The many acronyms used as shorthand in IM messages Example: IMHO = In my humble opinion Screen name The nickname used to identify users; teens like to change this often

Sit down with your child and go over the Basic Rules of Online Safety for Teens found on the next page. Sit down with your child at the computer, and ask them to identify, by real name, all of the people on their Buddy List. A good idea is to have your child eliminate anyone on the list who your child does not know in person. Make it a habit to do this with your child once every two weeks or so. All of the IM clients have some type of privacy feature, some of which are illustrated later in this docu- ment. Have your child set their privacy feature so that no one except the people on their buddy list know they are online. This will almost eliminate unwanted requests to chat. All of the IM clients have a place where the user puts personal information. Ask you child to see this screen for their account , and have him or her eliminate any information which could identify them as to location, age, interests, etc. Remind your child that nothing said in an IM chat room should be derogatory, mean, or threatenin g. Some of the clients allow the reviewing of all the messages sent and received, but, even if this cannot be done locally, it is done on the servers owned by AIM, MSN, Yahoo, and ICQ. Have them talk to you if they receive any messages that make them feel uncomfortable. Have your child help you sign up for a Trillian account of your own and put all of your child’s screen names for the different services in your contact list. This will allow you to monitor when your child comes online (be sure they add you to their list and don’t block you out!)

3 BASIC RULES OF ONLINE SAFETY FOR TEENS http://www.safekids.com/safeteens/

Keep Your Identity Private The most important thing to remember is that when you’re online in any kind of a public forum, you’re out in public and anyone can read whatever you post. You should never post any- Talk with Your Parents About thing on the Internet that you wouldn’t want Their Expectations and Ground known to the public at large. You should also remember that people you meet in cyberspace Rules for Going Online might not be who they seem to be. It's important that you and your parents are on

the same channel when it comes to your online If you’re in any type of public forum, avoid activities. This includes when you can go online, giving out your full name, your mailing ad- how long you can stay online, and what activ i- dress, your telephone number, the name of ties you can do online. Communicating with your school, or any other information that your parents doesn't mean that you have to give could help someone determine your actual up your privacy. It just means that you come to identity. The same applies to your family and an agreement based on mutual trust and under- friends. Never reveal anything about other pe o- standing. While you're at it, perhaps you can ple that could possibly get them into trouble. help your parents better understand the Internet, what it can be used for, and how it is helpful for teens.

Never Get Together With Never Respond to Chat Someone You “Meet” Online Comments That Are Hostile, The biggest danger to your safety is if you get Belligerent, Inappropriate, Or together with someone you “meet” online. Remember, you never know for certain if people In Any Way Make You Feel you meet online are who they say they are. If you Uncomfortable do feel it’s appropriate to meet with someone, It isn't your fault if you get a message that is discuss it with your parents and never go to the mean or in any way makes you feel uncom- meeting by yourself. Arrange to meet in a public fortable. If you get such a message, don't place, like a coffee shop or mall that you (not just respond. Instead, show it to your parents or the other person) are familiar and comfortable a trusted adult to see if there is anything you with, and never go alone. The safest procedure is can do to make it stop. Sending a response to have your parents talk with the parents of the just encourages the person. other person and for both of you to bring your parents along on the first meeting.

4 AOL INSTANT MESSENGER (AIM)

AIM started out as available only to AOL subscribers, but soon created a client to allow anyone wit h Internet access to instant message with others whether or not they are AOL members.

One suggestion is to choose the PREFS option at the bottom and the PRIVACY tab, and have your child choose either Allow only users on my buddy list or Allow only the users below.

You may also want them to check the circle which would preclude anyone who knows their email address to know if they have an AIM account. This would still allow your child to tell his or her friends the screen name they have chosen, but would eliminate others from “bothering” them if their email address was known.

5 MSN MESSENGER

MSN Messenger is a popular IM client for students. It also has privacy options built in that can help keep unknown users from contacting your child.

Choose TOOLS-OPTIONS and then click on the PRIVACY tab. This will bring up the window below which allows your child to add their friends to the allow list and anyone they don’t wish to talk to the block list.

There is also a way to see who has added them to other user’s contact lists.

6 ICQ

Another popular IM client is ICQ. It, too, includes privacy options, but, more importantly, it also archives the messages sent and received while using it.

By clicking on MY ICQ-MESSAGE ARCHIVE, all the messages sent and received from users on the contact list may be viewed.

7 TRILLIAN

Trillian is a new program that allows the user to combine all their IM contact lists into one place.

This system allows the logging of all messages by clicking on the little person at the bottom left, and choosing PREFERENCES.

On the PREFERENCES screen, clicking the MESSAGE HISTORY option will allow the user to log the transcripts of the all the IM systems used.

The logs are saved on the hard drive in text files. A sample of one of these text files is below.

8 YAHOO MESSENGER

Under the LOGIN-PREFERNCES menu items, there is a place to limit the privacy options to only people on the Frie nd List, and also an ARCHIVE option to archive the messages. You will need to check Enable archiving and should probably uncheck Automatically delete files older than 10 days.