CHEERIE, STRETCH, CLOVIS and LIPPY wear modern skater/tough CHEERIE,kid STRETCH,clothing. In addition,CLOVIS andCHEERIE LIPPY andwear STRETCH modern skater/tough have tattoos. MICHELLE,kid clothing. BRENDA,In addition, HILLARY CHEERIE and and LIZZIE, STRETCH by contrast, have tattoos. can wear MICHELLE,more BRENDA, preppy outfits. HILLARY JUDE and LIZZIE,should by dress contrast, in clashing can wear colors and morepatterns preppy with outfits. perhaps JUDE two different should style dress shoes in andclashing so on. colors and LIZZIEpatterns wears with perhapsclothes similartwo different to MICHELLE, style shoes BRENDA and so on.and HILLARY, LIZZIE wearsbut with clothes a maid’s similar apron to overMICHELLE, the top. BRENDA and HILLARY, MINX,but with JINX a maid’s and FINX apron should over the be top.dressed in all black. MR. MUSTARD MINX, JINXwears and a suitFINX and should perhaps be dressed a cape. in all black. MR. MUSTARD DETECTIVEwears a suit and JOHNNY perhaps B. a GOODE cape. wears a trench coat and has a DETECTIVEstyle like JOHNNY Humphrey B. GOODE Bogart. In wears ACT TWO, a trench Scene coat Three, and has he has a a stylebandage like Humphrey on his head,Bogart. a blackIn ACT eye TWO, and Scenehis trench Three, coat he is hastorn. a ORDERLIESbandage on his should head, wear a black white eye jackets. and his trench coat is torn. ORDERLIES should wear white jackets. Special costumes: When CHEERIE, STRETCH, CLOVIS and LIPPY By Craig Sodaro are , they should wear suits or at least matching sports Special costumes: When CHEERIE, STRETCH, CLOVIS and LIPPY By Craig Sodaro are coatsthe Beatles, buttoned they up. should They wear should suits wear or Beatlesat least matching wigs and sports sport the coatsnecessary buttoned glasses up. They and facial should hair wear to create Beatles a reasonable wigs and approximation sport the necessaryof the group. glasses When and facial the FANS hair to (LUCY, create aHONEY, reasonable JULIA, approximation MAGGIE AND © Copyright 2005, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. of theSALLY) group. change When intothe FANS60s costumes, (LUCY, HONEY, they should JULIA, wear MAGGIE short skirts, AND 60s © Copyright 2005, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. SALLY)wigs change (if available, into 60s or rat costumes, their hair theyup as should high as wear possible) short skirts,and whatever 60s Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for other 60s accessories they can find such as glasses, scarves and so wigs (if available, or rat their hair up as high as possible) and whatever Professionalsevery performance, and amateurs whether are herebyor not admissionwarned that is acharged. royalty mustAll inquiries be paid regarding for otheron. 60s When accessories JUDE dresses they can as findDr. Sigmund such as Sligmund,glasses, scarves he should and wear so a everyrights—including performance, whetherbut not limited or not to admission amateur, professional, is charged. radioAll inquiries broadcast, regarding television, on. suit,When mustache JUDE dresses and beard as Dr. (similar Sigmund to Freud’s). Sligmund, he should wear a rights—includingcable, motion but picture, not limited live streaming,to amateur, publicprofessional, reading, radio and broadcast, translation television, into a foreign cable,language—should motion picture, live be streaming, addressed public to Pioneer reading, Drama and Service, translation Inc., into PO a foreign Box 4267, suit, mustache and beard (similar to Freud’s). Englewood, CO 80155. SOUND EFFECTS language—should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood,No performance, CO 80155. broadcast, reading, or presentation of any kind in whole or in Beatles tunes, phoneSOUND ring, clock EFFECTS striking midnight, “Twack!” (Eleanor part may be given without permission from Pioneer Drama Service. knocking out Doctor Robert), Fire alarm No performance, broadcast, reading, or presentation of any kind in whole or in Beatles tunes, phone ring, clock striking midnight, “Twack!” (Eleanor part Thesemay be rights given are without fully protected permission under from the copyright Pioneer lawsDrama of theService. United States of America knocking out Doctor Robert), Fire alarm Theseand rights of all are countries fully protected covered under by thethe Universalcopyright lawsCopyright of the ConventionUnited States or ofwith America which the and ofUnited all countries States has covered reciprocal by the copyright Universal relations, Copyright including Convention Canada, or with Mexico, which Australia, the Unitedand States all nations has reciprocal of the United copyright Kingdom. relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia, and all nations of the United Kingdom. ONE SCRIPT PER CAST MEMBER MUST BE PURCHASED FOR PRODUCTION ONE SCRIPTRIGHTS. PER PHOTOCOPYING, CAST MEMBER REPRODUCING, MUST BE PURCHASED OR DISTRIBUTING FOR PRODUCTION ALL OR ANY RIGHTS.PART OF PHOTOCOPYING, THIS BOOK WITHOUT REPRODUCING, PERMISSION OR ISDISTRIBUTING STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ALL OR ANY BY LAW. PART OF THIS BOOK WITHOUT PERMISSION IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW. On all programs, printing, and advertising, the following information must appear: On all programs,1. The fullprinting, title: Theand Beatlesadvertising, Slept the Here following information must appear: 1. The2. fullWriting title: credit: The Beatles By Craig Slept Sodaro Here 2. Writing3. Publication credit: By notice: Craig “ProducedSodaro by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama 3. Publication Service, notice: Denver, “Produced Colorado” by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama Service, Denver, Colorado”

52 52

1 JUDE: I like monkeys. 1 CLARABELL: Twenty-five thousand dollars? 1 JUDEELEANOR: I like monkeys.: Not a fur-wearin’ monkey decked out in a bunch of 1 CLARABELLDOCTOR :ROBERT Twenty-five: I have thousand a reputation dollars? to think about. ELEANORjewelry,: Not y’all! a (CURTAIN.) fur-wearin’ monkey decked out in a bunch of DOCTORCLARABELL ROBERT: Fifty: I have thousand? a reputation to think about. jewelry, y’all! (CURTAIN.)End of Scene One CLARABELLDOCTOR :ROBERT Fifty thousand?: That pays my malpractice insurance for a year, End of Scene One DOCTOR5 and ROBERT this is definitely: That pays malpractice. my malpractice insurance for a year, ACT TWO 5 CLARABELLand this is definitely: What wouldmalpractice. sweeten the deal? ACT TWO Scene Two CLARABELLDOCTOR :ROBERT What would: I want sweeten three the percent deal? of the sale. Scene Two LIGHTS UP: A hallway in the Penny Lane Hotel, played before the DOCTORCLARABELL ROBERT: Three: I want percent! three percentThat’s highway of the sale. robbery! LIGHTS5 curtain. UP: That A hallwaynight. SGT. in the PAPRIKA Penny Lane ENTERS Hotel, RIGHT, played lookingbefore thebehind CLARABELLDOCTOR :ROBERT Three percent!: How elseThat’s will highway you get robbery! on Easy Street? 5 curtain.him That nervously. night. ELEANORSGT. PAPRIKA ENTERS ENTERS LEFT RIGHT, and moveslooking tobehind him. He DOCTOR10 ROBERT: How else will you get on Easy Street? him bumps nervously. into her. ELEANOR ENTERS LEFT and moves to him. He CLARABELL: If I agree, you’ll say my brother’s loonier than a 10 mad cow? bumpsSGT. into PAPRIKA her. : What’re you doin’ slinkin’ around the hallways at this CLARABELL: If I agree, you’ll say my brother’s loonier than a mad cow? : For three percent, I’ll say Einstein was a SGT. PAPRIKAtime of night?: What’re you doin’ slinkin’ around the hallways at this DOCTOR ROBERT crack-pot! 10 ELEANORtime of night?: Waiting for you! DOCTOR ROBERT: For three percent, I’ll say Einstein was a CLARABELLcrack-pot! : Get yourself checked into this here dump and keep 10 ELEANORSGT. PAPRIKA: Waiting: forWhy? you! CLARABELL15 your eyes: Get open! yourself checked into this here dump and keep SGT.ELEANOR PAPRIKA: : (Worried.) Why? Where have you been all day? 15 DOCTORyour eyes ROBERTopen! : Whatever you say, Ms. Little. ELEANORSGT. PAPRIKA: (Worried.): Runnin’ Where have from you that been flatfoot! all day? Say… I thought I fired DOCTORCLARABELL ROBERT: Doctor,: Whatever you’re you almost say, Ms.as rotten Little. as I am! SGT. PAPRIKAyou. : Runnin’ from that flatfoot! Say… I thought I fired CLARABELLDOCTOR :ROBERT Doctor, you’re: How almostcome you as rottenand your as brotherI am! don’t get along, 15 ELEANORyou. : Somebody had to stay here and run this place. You can DOCTORMs. ROBERT Little? : How come you and your brother don’t get along, 15 ELEANORfire: Somebodyme tomorrow. had to stay here and run this place. You can 20 CLARABELLMs. Little? : For the same reason I couldn’t get along with any of SGT.fire PAPRIKAme tomorrow.: It’s a deal! 20 CLARABELLmy five: Forhusbands. the same They reason just Idon’t couldn’t follow get directions! along with But any you of will, SGT. PAPRIKA: : For It’s now,a deal! you’d better hide! That detective doesn’t seem ELEANOR my won’tfive husbands.you, Doctor? They (CURTAIN.) just don’t follow directions! But you will, like he’s going to give up easily. ELEANOR: For now, you’d better hide! That detective doesn’t seem won’t you, Doctor? (CURTAIN.)End of Scene One 20 like he’s going to: Don’tgive up worry easily. about him! While he was chasin’ me, he SGT. PAPRIKA End of Scene One 20 SGT. PAPRIKAfell into the: Don’t river worry and had about to swimhim! Whileout, then he washe ran chasin’ smack-dab me, he into ACT ONE fell intoa stop the sign. river and had to swim out, then he ran smack-dab into ACTScene ONE Two ELEANORa stop sign.: He must have trouble reading. LIGHTS UP: The streetScene in front Two of the Penny Lane Hotel, played ELEANORSGT. PAPRIKA: He must: Andhave he trouble finally reading. stepped on Mrs. Geery’s dog’s tail, LIGHTSbefore UP: the Thecurtain. street The in following front of afternoon. the Penny MICHELLE, Lane Hotel, LIZZIE played and SGT.25 PAPRIKAand it bit: him And like he a finally pork chop! stepped on Mrs. Geery’s dog’s tail, before25 BRENDA the curtain. ENTER The LEFT. following afternoon. MICHELLE, LIZZIE and 25 ELEANORand it bit him: She like hasa pork a poodle! chop! 25 BRENDALIZZIE ENTER: I don’t LEFT. know, Michelle. It sounds like a crime or something! ELEANORSGT. PAPRIKA: She has: a Yeah, poodle! well, you haven’t seen anything ’til you’ve LIZZIE: (Begins I don’t toknow, cry.) Michelle. It sounds like a crime or something! SGT. PAPRIKAseen a mad: Yeah, poodle! well, The you last haven’t I saw of seen General anything Goodie ’til Goode, you’ve he MICHELLE(Begins to cry.): Look, Lizzie… you went to the hospital last night, right? seenwas a mad headin’ poodle! to the The hospital last I sawin an of ambulance. General Goodie Goode, he MICHELLEAnd: you Look, had Lizzie… to bring you all kindswent ofto stuffthe hospital for Austin last to night, do, right? right? 30 ELEANORwas headin’: toThat the takeshospital care in anof ambulance.him, but Sgt. Paprika… there’s still 30 LIZZIEAnd you: It had was to heavy bring andall kinds I dropped of stuff a puzzle for Austin and to all do, the right? pieces fell into 30 ELEANORClarabell: That you’ve takes gotcare to ofworry him, about. but Sgt. Paprika… there’s still 30 LIZZIE: the It was gutter heavy and and I tried I dropped to pick thema puzzle up, andbut Iall don’t the piecesthink I gotfell Shrek’sinto SGT.Clarabell PAPRIKA you’ve: gotOh, to she’s worry nothin’ about. but a big huff and puff! the gutternose or and Donkey’s I tried to tail! pick them up, but I don’t think I got Shrek’s SGT.ELEANOR PAPRIKA: : But Oh, she she’s and nothin’ that doctor— but a big huff and puff! BRENDAnose or Donkey’s: If you help tail! us with our project, moms and dads— ELEANORSGT. PAPRIKA: But she: andLook, that I don’t doctor— got time to worry about them! I’ve got BRENDAMICHELLE: If you: And help cousins! us with our project, moms and dads— SGT.35 PAPRIKAto clear :my Look, name. I don’t got time to worry about them! I’ve got MICHELLE35 BRENDA: And: —won’t cousins! have to drag all that stuff. There’ll be lots of toys 35 ELEANORto clear my: name. How are you going to do that? 35 BRENDAand: —won’tpuzzles haveand games to drag for all the that kids stuff. at theThere’ll hospital. be lots of toys ELEANOR: How are you going to do that? and puzzles and games for the kids at the hospital. 38 11 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED38 BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT 11 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT ONSTAGE,ONSTAGE, ACT ACT TWO, TWO, Scene Scene One: One: Same Same as ACT as ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene One, One, but butthere there is crime is crime scene scene tape tape around around the thetable table area area and and a key a keyin in THETHE BEATLES BEATLES SLEPT SLEPT HERE HERE oneone of the of themailboxes. mailboxes. BROUGHTBROUGHT ON, ON, ACT ACT TWO, TWO, Scene Scene One: One: By CRAIGBy CRAIG SODARO SODARO HandkerchiefsHandkerchiefs (LUCY, (LUCY, HONEY, HONEY, JULIA, JULIA, SALLY, SALLY, MAGGIE) MAGGIE) CarrotCarrot sticks, sticks, notebook, notebook, pen, pen, Tootsie Tootsie Pop Pop wrapper, wrapper, bag bag of Tootsie of Tootsie CASTCAST OF OFCHARACTERS CHARACTERS PopsPops (GOODE) (GOODE) (In Order(In Order of Speaking) of Speaking) PlasticPlastic zip-lock zip-lock bag bag (LIZZIE) (LIZZIE) BusinessBusiness card, card, milkshake milkshake with with straw straw (CLARABELL) (CLARABELL) # of lines # of lines MoneyMoney box box (JUDE) (JUDE) ELEANORELEANOR DIGBY DIGBY ...... early ...... early 50s, 50s, longtime longtime auditor auditor at at 163163 RaffleRaffle posters posters (HILLARY, (HILLARY, MICHELLE) MICHELLE) the thehotel hotel CanCan stuffed stuffed with with raffle raffle tickets tickets (BRENDA) (BRENDA) SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA ...... 55, ...... 55, crusty crusty hotel hotel owner owner 130130 TootsieTootsie Pops Pops (JINX, (JINX, MINX, MINX, FINX) FINX) LIZZIELIZZIE BELMONT BELMONT ...... 18, ...... 18, teary-eyed teary-eyed hotel hotel maid maid 78 78 NapkinNapkin (MR. (MR. MUSTARD) MUSTARD) HILLARYHILLARY ...... high ...... high school school senior senior 51 51 BROUGHTBROUGHT ON, ON, ACT ACT TWO, TWO, Scene Scene Two: Two: BRENDABRENDA ...... another ...... another 60 60 TootsieTootsie Pops Pops and and wrappers wrappers (JINX, (JINX, MINX, MINX, FINX) FINX) AutographAutograph books books and and cameras cameras (FANS) (FANS) JUDEJUDE ...... another ...... another 57 57 LegalLegal papers papers (CLARABELL) (CLARABELL) MICHELLE...... anotherMICHELLE...... another 100100 ONSTAGE,ONSTAGE, ACT ACT TWO, TWO, Scene Scene Three: Three: Same Same as ACT as ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene CLARABELLCLARABELL LITTLE LITTLE ...... 40s, ...... 40s, Paprika’s Paprika’s younger younger sister sister 92 92 One,One, raffle raffle tickets tickets can, can, the theillegal illegal art (“Theart (“The Scream” Scream” poster poster and and DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT ...... 30s, ...... 30s, a scheming a scheming psychologist psychologist 43 43 others)others) are arestill stillbehind behind the theoriginal original hotel hotel posters posters CHEERIE...... highCHEERIE...... high school school senior senior boy boy 26 26 BROUGHTBROUGHT ON, ON, ACT ACT TWO, TWO, Scene Scene Three: Three: STRETCHSTRETCH ...... another ...... another 19 19 BeatlesBeatles posters, posters, decorations decorations (MICHELLE, (MICHELLE, BRENDA, BRENDA, HILLARY, HILLARY, CLOVISCLOVIS ...... another ...... another 14 14 LIZZIE)LIZZIE) MoneyMoney (GOODE, (GOODE, CLARABELLE) CLARABELLE) LIPPYLIPPY ...... another ...... another 16 16 DuctDuct tape tape (MINX) (MINX) MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD ...... 40s, ...... 40s, a sophisticated a sophisticated thief thief 44 44 CellCell phone phone (CLARABELL) (CLARABELL) MINXMINX ...... part ...... part of Mr. of Mr.Mustard’s Mustard’s gang gang 24 24 ButterflyButterfly nets nets (ORDERLIES) (ORDERLIES) JINXJINX ...... another ...... another 19 19 Notebook,Notebook, pencil pencil (JUDE) (JUDE) FINXFINX ...... another ...... another 16 16 SuitcaseSuitcase (FINX) (FINX) Doughnuts,Doughnuts, stolen stolen art (GOODE)art (GOODE) LUCYLUCY LAWSON...... 50s, LAWSON...... 50s, a Beatles a Beatles fan fan 28 28 HONEYHONEY ...... another ...... another 23 23 COSTUMESCOSTUMES JULIAJULIA ...... another ...... another 21 21 BasicBasic costume costume for allfor characters all characters is modern is modern dress. dress. MAGGIEMAGGIE ...... another ...... another 20 20 SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA should should wear wear overalls overalls and and a bright a bright flannel flannel shirt. shirt. SALLYSALLY ...... another ...... another 18 18 ELEANORELEANOR dresses dresses in conservative in conservative attire attire and and in ACT in ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene DETECTIVEDETECTIVE JOHNNY JOHNNY B. B. Three,Three, wears wears a coat. a coat. GOODEGOODE ...... 30s, ...... 30s, a policeman a policeman 69 69 CLARABELLCLARABELL wears wears a fur a furcoat, coat, lots lots of jewelry of jewelry and and anything anything else else to to ORDERLYORDERLY ONE ONE ...... from ...... from Happy Happy Acres Acres 5 5 makemake her herlook look ostentatious. ostentatious. ORDERLYORDERLY TWO TWO ...... from ...... from Happy Happy Acres Acres 4 4 DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT wears wears glasses glasses and and a trench a trench coat, coat, though though he canhe can NOTE:NOTE: The The parts parts of MINX, of MINX, JINX, JINX, FINX FINX and and the theORDERLIES ORDERLIES can can be be just justwear wear a suit a suitonce once he’s he’s inside inside the thehotel. hotel. In ACT In ACT TWO, TWO, he willhe will playedplayed by eitherby either male male or female or female actors. actors. havehave a milkshake a milkshake mustache. mustache.

ii ii 51 51 RIGHTSRIGHTS MUST MUST BE PURCHASED BE PURCHASED BEFORE BEFORE REPRODUCING REPRODUCING THIS THIS SCRIPT SCRIPT For Preview Only

1 LIZZIE1 LIZZIE: I know: I know that, that, but butyou you want want me meto… to… to… to… break break and and enter! enter! (Bursts (Bursts 1 LIZZIE1 LIZZIE: (Also: (Also following following them them OUT OUT RIGHT.) RIGHT.) He He won’t won’t catch catch you! you! intointo tears. tears. BRENDA BRENDA and and MICHELLE MICHELLE look look about about cautiously.) cautiously.) (They’re(They’re OUT. OUT. CLARABELL CLARABELL and and DOCTOR DOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT ENTER ENTER MICHELLEMICHELLE: You: You don’t don’t have have to break to break anything! anything! LEFT.LEFT. CLARABELL CLARABELL is stillis stillsipping sipping a milkshake a milkshake noisily noisily through through straw. DOCTOR ROBERT has a milkshake mustache.) BRENDABRENDA: And: And as faras asfar enteringas entering goes, goes, you’re you’re already already inside, inside, right? right? straw. DOCTOR ROBERT has a milkshake mustache.) 5 5 : That: That was was one one great great shake! shake! 5 MICHELLE5 MICHELLE: So: howSo how could could it be it breakingbe breaking and and entering? entering? DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT : (Looking right as if out a window.) Oh, my! Isn’t that BRENDABRENDA: It’s: justIt’s justa strong a strong case case of… of… curiosity. curiosity. CLARABELLCLARABELL: (Looking right as if out a window.) Oh, my! Isn’t that JojoJojo running running down down the thestreet street with with that that detective detective chasing chasing him? him? LIZZIELIZZIE: Yeah,: Yeah, but butlook look at what at what curiosity curiosity did didto the to thecat! cat! DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: Why,: Why, it sure it sure is! is! MICHELLEMICHELLE: That’s: That’s just justa stupid a stupid old oldwives’ wives’ tale. tale. CLARABELLCLARABELL: How: How soon soon can can you you get get those those orderlies orderlies from from Happy Happy BRENDA: Yeah…: Yeah… and and who who listens listens to old to oldwives wives anymore? anymore? Especially Especially BRENDA 10 10 AcresAcres here? here? 10 10 stupidstupid ones. ones. DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: Tonight.: Tonight. LIZZIELIZZIE: You’re: You’re sure sure I won’t I won’t be doingbe doing anything anything wrong? wrong? CLARABELLCLARABELL: I’m: I’mcallin’ callin’ my mylawyers lawyers and and gettin’ gettin’ those those papers papers sellin’ sellin’ : Is: it Iswrong it wrong to help to help the thekids kids at the at thehospital? hospital? MICHELLEMICHELLE this thisplace place together together lickety-split! lickety-split! LIZZIELIZZIE: Well,: Well, no, no,of course of course not. not. DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: And: And don’t don’t forget forget to cut to cutme mea check. a check. BRENDABRENDA: There,: There, you you see? see? 15 CLARABELL15 CLARABELL: Oh,: Oh, now, now, sweet sweet pea, pea, I wouldn’t I wouldn’t think think about about forgettin’ forgettin’ 15 MICHELLE15 MICHELLE: All: you’veAll you’ve got gotto do to isdo find is find the theold oldhotel hotel register register books. books. y’all.y’all. (DOCTOR (DOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT EXITS EXITS CENTER.) CENTER.) Would Would I? (Winks I? (Winks at at LIZZIELIZZIE: Hotel: Hotel register register books. books. Got Got it. it. AUDIENCE,AUDIENCE, then then EXITS EXITS LEFT LEFT as MICHELLE,as MICHELLE, JUDE, JUDE, HILLARY HILLARY MICHELLEMICHELLE: Find: Find the theone one for 1964.for 1964. andand BRENDA BRENDA ENTER ENTER CENTER.) CENTER.) BRENDABRENDA: That’s: That’s when when the theBeatles Beatles made made their their first first tour tour of the of theU.S. U.S. MICHELLEMICHELLE: What: What was was all that all that shouting shouting about? about? MICHELLEMICHELLE: On: Onthe theInternet Internet it said it said they they were were in this in thisarea area sometime sometime in in 20 HILLARY20 HILLARY: I think: I think that that cop cop was was after after Sgt. Sgt. Paprika. Paprika. 20 20 AugustAugust of that of that year. year. JUDEJUDE: (Looking: (Looking RIGHT.) RIGHT.) And And he hestill still is! (ELEANOR is! (ELEANOR and and LIZZIE LIZZIE LIZZIELIZZIE: August.: August. ENTERENTER RIGHT, RIGHT, out outof breath.) of breath.) BRENDABRENDA: The: The register register will willbe signedbe signed John, John, Paul, Paul, George, George, and— and— LIZZIELIZZIE: What’ll: What’ll we do,we do,Miss Miss Digby? Digby? BRENDA/MICHELLEBRENDA/MICHELLE: Ringo!: Ringo! ELEANORELEANOR: I don’t: I don’t know! know! I just I justdon’t don’t know! know! LIZZIELIZZIE: Who: Who are arethey? they? 25 BRENDA25 BRENDA: What’s: What’s going going on? on? 25 MICHELLE25 MICHELLE: The: The Beatles, Beatles, dummy! dummy! LIZZIELIZZIE: That: That cop cop thinks thinks Sgt. Sgt. Paprika Paprika stole stole the thethings things from from the thetable. table. LIZZIELIZZIE: :(Cries (Cries again.) again.) Don’t Don’t call call me me dummy! dummy! (CHEERIE (CHEERIE and and MICHELLEMICHELLE: That’s: That’s crazy! crazy! Sgt. Sgt. Paprika Paprika hates hates the theBeatles! Beatles! STRETCHSTRETCH ENTER ENTER RIGHT. RIGHT. They They are aredressed dressed as toughs,as toughs, with with BRENDABRENDA: Unless: Unless he’s he’s gone gone a little a little cuckoo! cuckoo! sleevelesssleeveless shirts. shirts. They They sport sport large large tattoos tattoos on theiron their DOWNSTAGE DOWNSTAGE ELEANORELEANOR: Not: Noton youron your life. life.(Puts (Puts her herarm arm around around JUDE, JUDE, walks walks him him arms.arms. They’re They’re followed followed by CLOVISby CLOVIS and and LIPPY. LIPPY. They They don’t don’t have have 30 30 DOWNSTAGEDOWNSTAGE out outof earshotof earshot of theof theOTHERS, OTHERS, who who continue continue an an 30 30 tattoos,tattoos, but butare aredressed dressed similarly.) similarly.) animatedanimated conversation.) conversation.) Hey, Hey, Jude— Jude— CHEERIECHEERIE: Well,: Well, what’ve what’ve we gotwe gotgoing going here? here? JUDEJUDE: S’up?: S’up? STRETCHSTRETCH: The: The three three mousekateers! mousekateers! ELEANORELEANOR: Got: Got any any big bigplans plans for tonight?for tonight? CLOVISCLOVIS: Looks: Looks more more like likethe thethree three blind blind mice. mice. JUDEJUDE: (Embarrassed.): (Embarrassed.) Oh, Oh, wow, wow, like, like, I’m I’mtotally totally not notinto into dating dating older older LIPPYLIPPY: How: How come come you’re you’re not notin the in thelibrary library doin’ doin’ homework? homework? 35 35 women,women, Miss Miss Digby. Digby. 35 MICHELLE35 MICHELLE: (Cold.): (Cold.) We’re We’re glad glad to see to see you, you, too, too, Cheerie Cheerie and and crew. crew. ELEANORELEANOR: I was: I was thinking thinking more more about about a job. a job. BRENDABRENDA: (Indignant.): (Indignant.) And And we arewe aredoing doing homework! homework! JUDEJUDE: What: What kind kind of job? of job? MICHELLEMICHELLE: We’re: We’re working working on ouron ourservice service learning learning project. project. ELEANORELEANOR: The: The kind kind that’ll that’ll get getthe themonkey monkey off Sgt.off Sgt. Paprika’s Paprika’s back, back, CHEERIECHEERIE: Well,: Well, if that if that ain’t ain’t special! special! so toso speak. to speak.

12 12 37 37 PRODUCTIONPRODUCTION NOTES NOTES SETTINGSETTING TheThe play play is set is set in the in the lobby lobby of the of the Penny Penny Lane Lane Hotel Hotel located located in a in a PROPERTIESPROPERTIES mid-Atlanticmid-Atlantic city. city. DOWN DOWN RIGHT RIGHT leads leads to the to the outside, outside, and and DOWN DOWN ONSTAGE,ONSTAGE, ACT ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene One: One: Lobby Lobby desk desk high high enough enough to hide to hide LEFTLEFT leads leads to a to café a café adjacent adjacent to the to thehotel hotel lobby. lobby. CENTER CENTER leads leads to to a persona person sitting sitting on theon thefloor floor behind behind with witha computer, a computer, hotel hotel room room the the rooms. rooms. Ideally, Ideally, there there are are several several steps steps leading leading up to up this to this EXIT EXIT mailboxes,mailboxes, long long narrow narrow table table with with a lamp, a lamp, fruit fruit bowl bowl and and vase vase of of withwith a landing a landing at the at thetop. top. A lobby A lobby desk desk with with a computer a computer is UP is UPLEFT LEFT flowersflowers on it, on small it, small desk desk with witha telephone, a telephone, posters posters of 60sof 60sand and70s 70s withwith mailboxes mailboxes behind behind it. Desk it. Desk should should be highbe high enough enough so a so character a character rockrock stars stars (excluding (excluding the theBeatles), Beatles), a CD a CDplayer player playing playing Beatles’ Beatles’ sittingsitting behind behind the thedesk desk can’t can’t be seenbe seen by theby theaudience. audience. UP UPRIGHT RIGHT a a tunes,tunes, a broom a broom hidden hidden behind behind the thedesk; desk; jacket jacket long,long, narrow narrow table table that that at the at thebeginning beginning of the of theplay play holds holds a lamp a lamp and and BROUGHTBROUGHT ON, ON, ACT ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene One: One: variousvarious decorations decorations such such as aas fruit a fruit bowl, bowl, vase vase of flowers of flowers and andso on.so on. FeatherFeather duster duster (ELEANOR) (ELEANOR) ChairsChairs are are grouped grouped around around a small a small table table CENTER CENTER RIGHT. RIGHT. DOWN DOWN Mop,Mop, bucket, bucket, jacket jacket (LIZZIE) (LIZZIE) LEFTLEFT is a isdesk a desk with with a telephone a telephone and and a CD a CDplayer player on it. on The it. The hotel hotel lobby lobby is decoratedis decorated with with posters posters advertising advertising concerts concerts of various of various 60s 60sand and 70s 70s BROUGHTBROUGHT ON, ON, ACT ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene Two: Two: bands and solo artists, such as Janis Joplin, , the Rolling PosterPoster (“Spend (“Spend a Night a Night Where Where the the Beatles Beatles Slept, Slept, Changes Changes $1 $1 bands and solo artists, such as Janis Joplin, The Who, and so on. Conspicuously absent, however, are any posters or 4or for 4 $5”)for $5”) in bright, in bright, psychedelic psychedelic colors colors and and style, style, two tworolls rolls Stones and so on. Conspicuously absent, however, are any posters of the Beatles. of ticketsof tickets (or (or use use an anenvelope envelope stuffed stuffed with with cut-up cut-up paper) paper) of the Beatles. (HILLARY)(HILLARY) TwoTwo short short scenes scenes take take place place outside outside of the of thehotel hotel lobby—one lobby—one across across StaplerStapler (JUDE) (JUDE) the the street street and and one one in a in hallway a hallway of the of the hotel—but hotel—but these these are are played played MoneyMoney (MR. (MR. MUSTARD) MUSTARD) beforebefore the thecurtain curtain and and require require no additionalno additional setting. setting. TootsieTootsie Pops Pops (with (with wrappers) wrappers) (MR. (MR. MUSTARD, MUSTARD, JINX, JINX, MINX, MINX, FINX)FINX) SYNOPSISSYNOPSIS OF OFSCENES SCENES ONSTAGE,ONSTAGE, ACT ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene Three: Three: Same Same as ACT as ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene One One withwith the theaddition addition of piles of piles of papers of papers on theon thelobby lobby desk, desk, keys keys inside inside ACTACT ONE ONE fourfour of the of themailboxes. mailboxes. SceneScene One: One: A February A February morning morning in the in thelobby lobby of the of thePenny Penny Lane Lane BROUGHTBROUGHT ON, ON, ACT ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene Three: Three: Hotel.Hotel. RaffleRaffle posters, posters, masking masking tape tape (ELEANOR, (ELEANOR, LUCY) LUCY) SceneScene Two: Two: A street A street in front in front of the of hotel,the hotel, played played before before the curtain.the curtain. HandfulHandful of ripped of ripped raffle raffle posters posters (SGT. (SGT. PAPRIKA) PAPRIKA) TheThe next next afternoon. afternoon. SuitcasesSuitcases (LUCY, (LUCY, HONEY, HONEY, JULIA, JULIA, MAGGIE, MAGGIE, SALLY) SALLY) SceneScene Three: Three: The Thehotel hotel lobby, lobby, several several days days later. later. Kite,Kite, paperback paperback book book (MAGGIE) (MAGGIE) Set Setof keys of keys on aon rainbow a rainbow key keyring, ring, rubber rubber snake snake (HONEY) (HONEY) ACTACT TWO TWO Wire rimmed, tinted glasses (like ’s), piece of wood Wire rimmed, tinted glasses (like John Lennon’s), piece of wood SceneScene One: One: The Thehotel hotel lobby, lobby, the thefollowing following afternoon. afternoon. (JULIA)(JULIA) MapMap of Strawberry of Strawberry Fields, Fields, hanky hanky (SALLY) (SALLY) SceneScene Two: Two: A hallway A hallway in the in thehotel, hotel, that that night, night, played played before before the the MagicalMagical Mystery Mystery Tour Tour ticket, ticket, stuffed stuffed walrus walrus (LUCY) (LUCY) curtain.curtain. HotelHotel registery registery book, book, box boxwith with towel(s), towel(s), ashtray, ashtray, “Do “DoNot NotDisturb” Disturb” SceneScene Three: Three: The Thehotel hotel lobby, lobby, ten tenminutes minutes later. later. sign,sign, pillow pillow case, case, all autographed all autographed by the by theBeatles. Beatles. (LIZZIE) (LIZZIE) JacketJacket (ELEANOR) (ELEANOR) Flip Flipcell cellphones phones (CLARABELL, (CLARABELL, DOCTOR DOCTOR ROBERT) ROBERT) NotebookNotebook and and pencil pencil (DOCTOR (DOCTOR ROBERT) ROBERT) ThreeThree cardboard cardboard tubes tubes holding holding prints prints of famous of famous paintings, paintings, one one mustmust be abe print a print of Munch’s of Munch’s “The “The Scream,” Scream,” flashlights, flashlights, bag bag (MINX,(MINX, JINX, JINX, FINX) FINX) GlassGlass of milk of milk (SGT. (SGT. PAPRIKA) PAPRIKA)

50 50 iii iii RIGHTSRIGHTS MUST MUST BE PURCHASED BE PURCHASED BEFORE BEFORE REPRODUCING REPRODUCING THIS THIS SCRIPT SCRIPT For Preview Only

1 JULIA1 JULIA: (Awestruck.): (Awestruck.) The The Beatles… Beatles… here! here! 1 LIZZIE1 LIZZIE: Are: Areyou youworking working on yours,on yours, too? too? MAGGIEMAGGIE: But: Buthow? how? STRETCHSTRETCH: Yeah.: Yeah. About About this thismuch! much! (Holds (Holds up hisup fingershis fingers separated separated SALLYSALLY: It :doesn’t It doesn’t matter, matter, does does it? it? by aby fraction a fraction of an of inch.)an inch.) LUCYLUCY: Girls!: Girls! Have Have we forgottenwe forgotten what what day daythis thisis? is? MICHELLEMICHELLE: You: You won’t won’t graduate graduate if you if youdon’t don’t get getit done. it done. 5 HONEY5 HONEY: Oh,: Oh,Lucy, Lucy, you’re you’re right! right! 5 CLOVIS5 CLOVIS: (Sarcastic.): (Sarcastic.) Oh, Oh, no! no! If I If don’t I don’t graduate, graduate, I won’t I won’t get get into into Harvard! MAGGIEMAGGIE: February: February 18. 18. Harvard! : Awwwwwww! And there goes my scholarship to Stanford! SALLYSALLY: The: The day daythe theBeatles Beatles were were on theon theEd SullivanEd Sullivan Show Show for thefor the LIPPYLIPPY: Awwwwwww! And there goes my scholarship to Stanford! firstfirst time! time! CHEERIECHEERIE: I: guess I guess you you won’t won’t get get to learn to learn how how to do to do brain brain surgery, Lippy! JULIAJULIA: I could: I could just justcry! cry! surgery, Lippy! 10 BRENDA10 : You: You could could always always end end up doing up doing tattoos. tattoos. Those Those are are real real 10 LUCY10 LUCY: And: And here here we are…we are… right right where where they they actually actually slept! slept! The The stars stars BRENDA are arein perfect in perfect alignment! alignment! nice,nice, Stretch. Stretch. : (Shows off his tattoos.) Like that? It’s a snake! HONEYHONEY: Maybe…: Maybe… maybe… maybe… STRETCHSTRETCH: (Shows off his tattoos.) Like that? It’s a snake! : I thought it was your girlfriend. SALLYSALLY: What,: What, Honey? Honey? MICHELLEMICHELLE: I thought it was your girlfriend. : (Terrified.) I hate snakes! HONEYHONEY: Maybe: Maybe they they took took their their things things back! back! (A gasp(A gasp from from all all LIZZIELIZZIE: (Terrified.) I hate snakes! 15 15 15 the theFANS.) FANS.) CHEERIE15 CHEERIE: We: Wehad had ’em ’emput puton juston justto scare to scare whimps whimps like likeyou! you! LUCYLUCY: Why: Why not? not? CLOVISCLOVIS: But: Butthey they aren’t aren’t permanent. permanent. MAGGIEMAGGIE: They’ve: They’ve missed missed them them so much… so much… CHEERIECHEERIE: Shut: Shut your your face, face, Clovis! Clovis! JULIAJULIA: They’re: They’re stepping stepping back back in time! in time! MICHELLEMICHELLE: Oh,: Oh,they’re they’re henna henna tattoos. tattoos. LUCYLUCY: And: And so shall so shall we! we!Come, Come, ladies! ladies! I mean… I mean… girls! girls! STRETCHSTRETCH: No,: No,I told I toldyou youit was it was a snake! a snake! And And Cheerie’s Cheerie’s mom mom would would 20 20 kill himkill himif he if camehe came home home with with something something permanent permanent like likethat. that. 20 HONEY20 HONEY: Where: Where are arewe going?we going? : Yours wouldn’t exactly celebrate, Stretch. C’mon, guys. LUCYLUCY: If :the If theBeatles Beatles are arecoming coming back back tonight… tonight… this thisfan fanclub club is going is going CHEERIECHEERIE: Yours wouldn’t exactly celebrate, Stretch. C’mon, guys. to beto readybe ready for them!for them! (She, (She, HONEY, HONEY, JULIA, JULIA, MAGGIE MAGGIE and and SALLY SALLY Let’sLet’s go getgo getour ourproject project rolling. rolling. EXITEXIT RIGHT. RIGHT. A moment A moment later, later, GOODE GOODE ENTERS ENTERS CENTER CENTER holding holding CLOVISCLOVIS: I thought: I thought we weren’twe weren’t gonna gonna do ado project. a project. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA by theby thecollar collar with with one one hand hand and and a bag a bag of Tootsie of Tootsie LIPPYLIPPY: Yeah!: Yeah! You You said said we’re we’re too toolazy! lazy! 25 25 PopsPops in the in theother. other. LIZZIE LIZZIE and and ELEANOR ELEANOR follow follow them them ON.) ON.) 25 CHEERIE25 CHEERIE: C’mon!: C’mon! This This is gonna is gonna be abe team a team effort, effort, and and you’re you’re on on GOODEGOODE: I’m: haulin’I’m haulin’ you youin, Sgt. in, Sgt. Paprika! Paprika! the theteam. team. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: On: whatOn what charge? charge? LIPPYLIPPY: Since: Since when? when? GOODEGOODE: Possession: Possession of Tootsie of Tootsie Pops! Pops! STRETCHSTRETCH: Since: Since now! now! ELEANORELEANOR: That’s: That’s ridiculous! ridiculous! MICHELLEMICHELLE: What: What are areyou youdoing doing for yourfor your project? project? 30 GOODE30 GOODE: Not: Notwhen when one one of the of themajor major clues clues is a isTootsie a Tootsie Pop Pop wrapper! wrapper! 30 CHEERIE30 CHEERIE: (Sarcastic.): (Sarcastic.) Gettin’ Gettin’ new new cue cuesticks sticks for thefor thepool pool hall. hall. How How LIZZIELIZZIE: But: Butwhat what about about the thehair hair and and makeup? makeup? aboutabout you? you? GOODEGOODE: I didn’t: I didn’t find find them them in his in room…his room… but I butdid I finddid find a bag a ofbag Tootsie of Tootsie BRENDABRENDA: We’re: We’re buying buying toys toys and and games games and and things things for kidsfor kids when when Pops,Pops, and and that that spells spells G-U-L-T-Y! G-U-L-T-Y! they’rethey’re in the in thehospital. hospital. ELEANORELEANOR: Detective,: Detective, you you can’t can’t even even spell! spell! (An (Anelbow elbow jab jabto to CLOVISCLOVIS: (Sarcastic.): (Sarcastic.) Awwwwww! Awwwwww! That That is sooooo is sooooo sweet! sweet! 35 35 GOODEGOODE from from SGT. SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA frees frees SGT. SGT. PAPRIKA, PAPRIKA, who who runs runs 35 LIPPY35 LIPPY: Yeah…: Yeah… and and when when they they get getbetter, better, they they can canuse useour ourcues cues to to OFFOFF RIGHT.) RIGHT.) shootshoot pool! pool! GOODEGOODE: Why,: Why, you youold coot!old coot! Get Getback back here! here! (Runs (Runs OFF OFF RIGHT.) RIGHT.) STRETCHSTRETCH: Keep: Keep cool, cool, cats! cats! (He (Heand and CHEERIE CHEERIE EXIT EXIT LEFT. LEFT. CLOVIS CLOVIS ELEANORELEANOR: (Following: (Following him himOFF OFF RIGHT.) RIGHT.) Run, Run, Sgt. Sgt. Paprika! Paprika! Run! Run! andand LIPPY LIPPY follow follow them them OFF.) OFF.) BRENDABRENDA: I wonder: I wonder what what they’re they’re really really up to!up to!

36 36 13 13 The Beatles Slept Here - Set Design The Beatles Slept Here - Set Design 1 MAGGIE1 MAGGIE: And: And me! me! HONEYHONEY: Please!: Please! Let Letus stay us stay with with you! you! SALLYSALLY: We: Wewon’t won’t make make much much noise! noise! JULIAJULIA: And: And we canwe canlisten listen to Beatles to Beatles songs all nightall night long! long! (GOODE (GOODE 5 5 screamsscreams and and runs runs OFF OFF RIGHT. RIGHT. ELEANOR ELEANOR snaps snaps on CDon CDplayer. player. CHEERIE,CHEERIE, STRETCH, STRETCH, CLOVIS CLOVIS and and LIPPY LIPPY lip-synch lip-synch a Beatles a Beatles songsong as ALL as ALL begin begin to dance. to dance. CURTAIN.) CURTAIN.) ENDEND OF OFPLAY PLAY

iv iv 49 49

For Preview Only

1 MICHELLE1 MICHELLE: Probably: Probably getting getting cues cues for thefor thepool pool hall! hall! 1 BRENDA1 BRENDA: Somebody: Somebody stole stole the theBeatles Beatles souvenirs! souvenirs! LIZZIELIZZIE: I…: II… gotta I gotta get getto work, to work, guys. guys. MICHELLEMICHELLE: We’d: We’d better better hide hide the themoney money or it’ll or beit’ll next!be next! MICHELLEMICHELLE: Remember,: Remember, Lizzie? Lizzie? HILLARYHILLARY: We: We can can put put it in it the in the safe. safe. (She (She and and MICHELLE MICHELLE move move LIZZIELIZZIE: 1964.: 1964. July. July. BEHINDBEHIND desk.) desk.) 5 MICHELLE5 MICHELLE: August!: August! 5 MICHELLE5 MICHELLE: Good: Good idea! idea! LIZZIELIZZIE: Well,: Well, I knew I knew it was it was hot, hot, okay? okay? (Races (Races OFF OFF LEFT LEFT as JUDEas JUDE BRENDABRENDA: Better: Better safe safe than than sorry. sorry. andand HILLARY HILLARY ENTER ENTER RIGHT.) RIGHT.) JUDEJUDE: Like,: Like, that that was was radical, radical, Brenda. Brenda. JUDEJUDE: Hey,: Hey, guys! guys! Like, Like, these these are aretotally totally rad! rad! (HILLARY (HILLARY holds holds up aup a MICHELLEMICHELLE: (“Closing”: (“Closing” safe.) safe.) There! There! Now, Now, let’s let’s go outgo outand and sell sellsome some posterposter done done in very in very psychedelic psychedelic colors colors and and designs designs that that reads, reads, more!more! 10 10 “Spend“Spend a Night a Night Where Where the theBeatles Beatles Slept! Slept! Raffle Raffle Tickets Tickets $1 or$1 4 or 4 10 BRENDA10 BRENDA: Wait!: Wait! Couldn’t Couldn’t we… we… maybe… maybe… take take a peak a peak at Room at Room 8? 8? for $5.”) for $5.”) HILLARYHILLARY: Yeah!: Yeah! Just Just to see to seewhere where they they slept? slept? : Isn’t this just the greatest thing you’ve ever seen? HILLARYHILLARY: Isn’t this just the greatest thing you’ve ever seen? MICHELLEMICHELLE: Well,: Well, here’s here’s the the key… key… (Pulls (Pulls key key from from mailbox.) mailbox.) BRENDABRENDA: I like: I likethe thecolors! colors! They’ll They’ll attract attract a lot a of lot attention! of attention! WhyWhy not? not? MICHELLEMICHELLE: But,: But, guys… guys… if tickets if tickets are area dollar a dollar each, each, how how come come you you JUDEJUDE: Like,: Like, I could I could use usea nap a nap anyway. anyway. (He, (He, MICHELLE, MICHELLE, BRENDA BRENDA 15 15 onlyonly get getfour four for fivefor five dollars? dollars? 15 15 andand HILLARY HILLARY EXIT EXIT CENTER. CENTER. MR. MR. MUSTARD, MUSTARD, JINX, JINX, MINX MINX and and HILLARYHILLARY: That: That was was Jude’s Jude’s idea. idea. FINXFINX ENTER ENTER LEFT. LEFT. JINX, JINX, MINX MINX and and FINX FINX are areeating eating Tootsie Tootsie JUDEJUDE: Like,: Like, totally totally cool, cool, ha? ha? Pops.Pops. MR. MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD is dabbing is dabbing his mouthhis mouth with with a napkin.) a napkin.) MICHELLEMICHELLE: It doesn’t: It doesn’t make make any anysense! sense! Nobody Nobody will paywill paymore more for only for only MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: So…: So… there’s there’s a little a little cash cash in the in thesafe. safe. fourfour tickets. tickets. JINXJINX: Let’s: Let’s grab grab it and it and run! run! 20 JUDE20 JUDE: They’ll: They’ll think think it’s ait’s bargain! a bargain! Just Just like likein the in thegrocery grocery store. store. 20 MR.20 MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: You: You want want the thewhole whole town town to see to seeus? us? MICHELLEMICHELLE: Remind: Remind me menot notto shop to shop at your at your store! store! MINXMINX: Yeah!: Yeah! Let’s Let’s wait wait ’til dark. ’til dark. BRENDABRENDA: Did: Didyou youget getthe thetickets, tickets, too? too? FINXFINX: They: They won’t won’t see seeus when us when they’re they’re sleeping. sleeping. HILLARYHILLARY: Here’s: Here’s a roll a roll for eachfor each of you. of you. (Hands (Hands MICHELLE MICHELLE and and MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: That: That way way we canwe canclean clean this thisplace place out outfor good,for good, then then BRENDABRENDA a roll a ofroll tickets of tickets each.) each.) grabgrab “Whistler’s “Whistler’s Father.” Father.” 25 JUDE25 JUDE: Like,: Like, we’re we’re gonna gonna hang hang these these Picassos Picassos everywhere! everywhere! 25 JINX25 JINX: But,: But, Boss… Boss… ain’t ain’t it kinda it kinda mean mean stealing stealing from from kids? kids? BRENDABRENDA: I’ll: help! I’ll help! MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Their: Their money money spends spends just justas good as good as anyone as anyone else’s. else’s. MICHELLEMICHELLE: I’m: goingI’m going to the to TVthe stationTV station to set to upset anup interview.an interview. MINXMINX: Hey,: Hey, how how come come we’re we’re gonna gonna steal steal money? money? I mean… I mean… all youall you HILLARYHILLARY: See: See you youlater. later. (She, (She, BRENDA BRENDA and and JUDE JUDE move move LEFT.) LEFT.) You You everever like likeis stuff is stuff to hang to hang on theon thewalls walls and and look look at. at. got gotthe thetape, tape, Jude? Jude? MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: But: Butwe’ve we’ve got gotour ourexpenses, expenses, don’t don’t we? we? 30 JUDE30 JUDE: Like,: Like, I brought I brought a stapler a stapler (Holds (Holds up stapler)up stapler). . 30 FINX30 FINX: Yeah…: Yeah… Tootsie Tootsie Pops Pops don’t don’t come come cheap! cheap! BRENDABRENDA: You: You can’t can’t staple staple these these to a to window! a window! MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Come,: Come, ladies ladies and and gentlemen. gentlemen. (Adjust (Adjust line linefor genderfor gender JUDEJUDE: Oh,: Oh,wow, wow, like liketotally totally un-possible. un-possible. (He, (He, BRENDA BRENDA and and HILLARY HILLARY as needed.)as needed.) EXITEXIT LEFT. LEFT. MICHELLE MICHELLE moves moves RIGHT, RIGHT, but butMR. MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD JINXJINX: Where: Where to? to? ENTERSENTERS RIGHT. RIGHT. He speaksHe speaks with with a foreign a foreign accent accent which which cannot cannot MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: We’ve: We’ve got gotto case to case the theart museum.art museum. 35 35 be placed or continually shifts from one style to another.) be placed or continually shifts from one style to another.) 35 MINX35 MINX: I : I love rehearsals! rehearsals! : Excuse me, my dear, but do you live in this town? MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Excuse me, my dear, but do you live in this town? MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Yes,: Yes, my pets…my pets… practice practice makes makes perfect! perfect! (He, (He, MINX, MINX, MICHELLEMICHELLE: All: my All life!my life! JINXJINX and and FINX FINX EXIT EXIT RIGHT RIGHT as LUCY,as LUCY, HONEY, HONEY, JULIA, JULIA, MAGGIE MAGGIE MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Then: Then you youknow know a place a place called called the Pennythe Penny Lane Lane Hotel? Hotel? andand SALLY SALLY ENTER ENTER CENTER. CENTER. They They are areall aflutter.) all aflutter.) HONEYHONEY: Do: youDo youbelieve believe it, Lucy? it, Lucy?

14 14 35 35 RIGHTSRIGHTS MUST MUST BE PURCHASED BE PURCHASED BEFORE BEFORE REPRODUCING REPRODUCING THIS THIS SCRIPT SCRIPT 1 JULIA1 JULIA: Everything’s: Everything’s here! here! THETHE BEATLES BEATLES SLEPT SLEPT HERE HERE LIZZIELIZZIE: Even: Even the theashtrays ashtrays and and towels. towels. MICHELLEMICHELLE: (Picks: (Picks up paintings.)up paintings.) Along Along with with a few a few very very precious precious ACTACT ONE ONE paintings!paintings! SceneScene One One 5 SALLY5 SALLY: I…: II… just I justwish wish you youreally really were were the theBeatles. Beatles. 1 AT1 AT RISE: RISE: The The Penny Penny Lane Lane Hotel Hotel lobby, lobby, morning. morning. A Beatles A Beatles tune tune SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Humph!: Humph! They They couldn’t couldn’t be thebe theBeatles! Beatles! is blaringis blaring away away on the on the CD CD player. player. ELEANOR ELEANOR dusts dusts the the room room with with ELEANORELEANOR: Why: Why not, not, Jojo? Jojo? a feathera feather duster, duster, keeping keeping time time with with the the music. music. SOUND SOUND EFFECT: EFFECT: SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: ’Cause: ’Cause they’re they’re too toonice, nice, that’s that’s why! why! PHONEPHONE RINGS. RINGS. She She dances dances over over to the to thedesk, desk, turns turns down down music music and and 5 picks5 picks up theup thephone. phone. ELEANORELEANOR: How: How would would you youknow? know? ELEANORELEANOR: Penny: Penny Lane Lane Hotel. Hotel. Yes, Yes, yes… yes… why, why, we certainlywe certainly do havedo have 10 SGT.10 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: When: When I was I was fifteen fifteen I fell I infell love in love with withRita. Rita. My lovelyMy lovely threethree rooms. rooms. For ForFebruary February 18? 18?That That would would be excellent.be excellent. It is? It is?I I Rita.Rita. She She said said she sheloved loved me. me. She She said said after after we wegraduated graduated from from didn’tdidn’t realize realize that. that. Oh, Oh, you you do. do. Well, Well, that that must must be fun!be fun! Oh, Oh, no, no, highhigh school, school, we’d we’d get get married married and and settle settle down down and and live live happily happily I’m I’mafraid afraid not. not. The The Penny Penny Lane Lane Hotel Hotel was was named named long long before before the the everever after. after. I was I was gonna gonna build build houses, houses, and and she shewas was gonna gonna be abe a 10 10 firstfirst Beatle Beatle ever ever sang sang a note. a note. Yes, Yes, it’s it’sbeen been in the in thePaprika Paprika family family metermeter maid. maid. ’Til the’Til thenight night they they came! came! I was I was gonna gonna take take her herfor afor a for for years years and and years years and and years. years. But But I think I think it actually it actually was was the the 15 15 milkshakemilkshake when when she shesaw saw them. them. One One look look at Ringo, at Ringo, and and it was it was all all inspirationinspiration for— for— (SGT. (SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA ENTERS ENTERS CENTER, CENTER, hears hears the the over!over! She She fell forfell himfor himlike likea ton a tonof 45s. of 45s. Ringo! Ringo! Ringo! Ringo! Ringo! Ringo! That’s That’s music,music, registers registers his anger,his anger, which which ELEANOR ELEANOR notices. notices. She She speaks speaks all she’dall she’d say, say, and and she shenever never spoke spoke to meto meagain! again! The The Fab Fab Four Four explicitly.)explicitly.) However, However, Mrs. Mrs. Lawson, Lawson, we havewe have no connection no connection with with the the stolestole my firstmy first love! love! 15 15 BeatlesBeatles whatsoever, whatsoever, but butwe’d we’d love love to have to have you youand and your your group group as as ELEANORELEANOR: Well,: Well, they they haven’t haven’t stolen stolen your your second. second. our ourguests. guests. Will Willthis thisbe an be early an early arrival, arrival, or would or would you youlike liketo give to give me me 20 SGT.20 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Are: Areyou yousure? sure? a credita credit card card number number to guarantee to guarantee your your rooms? rooms? (SGT. (SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA ELEANORELEANOR: Oh,: Oh, Jojo, Jojo, what what would would I want I want with with a longhaired a longhaired hippy? hippy? snapssnaps off theoff themusic.) music.) Oh, Oh,well, well, that’s that’s terrific. terrific. We’ll We’llsee seeyou youon theon the (GOODE(GOODE wakes wakes up. up.MICHELLE MICHELLE goes goes behind behind the thedesk desk to get to getraffle raffle eighteenth.eighteenth. (ELEANOR (ELEANOR hangs hangs up, up,somewhat somewhat nervous.) nervous.) ticketstickets in a incan.) a can.) 20 SGT.20 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: (Irritated.): (Irritated.) What’d What’d I tell I youtell youabout about that thatmusic, music, Eleanor? Eleanor? GOODEGOODE: Say…: Say… say… say… what what happened? happened? ELEANORELEANOR: (Dry.): (Dry.) I thought I thought you youwent went to the to thehardware hardware store. store. 25 ELEANOR25 ELEANOR: (Helps: (Helps him himup.) up.) You You recovered recovered all the all the stolen stolen property, property, SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Already: Already did. did. Detective!Detective! ELEANORELEANOR: You: You must must have have really really put putthe thepedal pedal to the to themetal. metal. GOODEGOODE: I did?: I did? Oh, Oh,yeah… yeah… I remember I remember now. now. Don’t Don’t let itlet be it saidbe said that that SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: I walked!: I walked! Good Good for me!for me! Keeps Keeps me meornery! ornery! JohnnyJohnny B. Goode B. Goode doesn’t doesn’t come come through! through! 25 ELEANOR25 ELEANOR: You: You don’t don’t need need a walk a walk to do to that.do that. MICHELLEMICHELLE: Since: Since we’ve we’ve got gota crowd, a crowd, I think I think we oughtwe ought to draw to draw out outthe the SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: (Removes: (Removes CD CDfrom from player player and and hands hands it to it her.)to her.) I I 30 30 winningwinning raffle raffle ticket. ticket. don’tdon’t want want you youplaying playing this thisjunk junk in my in hotel.my hotel. LIZZIELIZZIE: How: How much much money money did wedid make,we make, Michelle? Michelle? ELEANORELEANOR: What’s: What’s wrong wrong with with it? it? MICHELLEMICHELLE: $1,230!: $1,230! (ALL (ALL cheer.) cheer.) All right… All right… who’ll who’ll do thedo thehonors? honors? SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: It’s: It’s just just a lot a lotof longhaired of longhaired hippy hippy screaming, screaming, : It’s only fair that Sgt. Paprika does the honors. ELEANORELEANOR: It’s only fair that Sgt. Paprika does the honors. 30 30 that’sthat’s all. all. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: All: right…All right… I’ll stir I’ll stir them them up real up real good. good. (Pulls (Pulls out outa a ELEANORELEANOR: That’s: That’s what what my fathermy father used used to say. to say. ticket.)ticket.) Well, Well, it says it says here… here… 2185. 2185. 35 35 SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: And: And fathers fathers know know best! best! GOODEGOODE: (Checking: (Checking ticket.) ticket.) That’s That’s me! me! That’s That’s my ticket!my ticket! ELEANORELEANOR: But: Butthe theBeatles Beatles are areicons icons now, now, Sgt. Sgt. Paprika. Paprika. HILLARYHILLARY: You: You get getto sleep to sleep in the in theroom room the theBeatles Beatles slept slept in! in! SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Yeah?: Yeah? So areSo areAl Capone Al Capone and and John John Dillinger. Dillinger. GOODEGOODE: Great!: Great! I could I could use usea good a good night’s night’s sleep! sleep! 35 ELEANOR35 ELEANOR: I :don’t I don’t understand understand what what you’ve you’ve got gotagainst against them! them! They They LUCYLUCY: With: With me! me! revolutionizedrevolutionized music! music! They They spoke spoke for anfor entirean entire generation! generation!

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1 LIZZIE1 LIZZIE: Miss: Miss Digby! Digby! I am I amso glad so glad to see to seeyou! you! 1 MICHELLE1 MICHELLE: Sure.: Sure. ELEANORELEANOR: This: This place place is a isnuthouse! a nuthouse! MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Is :it Isa niceit a nice hotel? hotel? LIZZIELIZZIE: I :know! I know! I don’t I don’t know know whether whether to cleanto clean the therooms rooms or findor find a a MICHELLEMICHELLE: The: The best best in town. in town. closetcloset to hide to hide in. in. MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Good!: Good! Then Then would would you you be kindbe kind enough enough to directto direct 5 ELEANOR5 ELEANOR: Poor: Poor Sgt. Sgt. Paprika. Paprika. 5 5 me methere? there? LIZZIELIZZIE: I : guess I guess he’s he’s really really going going crazy! crazy! He He imagines imagines he saw he saw the the MICHELLEMICHELLE: That’s: That’s easy. easy. It’s It’s right right across across the the street. street. (Points (Points Beatles!Beatles! intointo AUDIENCE.) AUDIENCE.) ELEANORELEANOR: No: Noway! way! Sgt. Sgt. Paprika’s Paprika’s never never had had an imaginationan imagination in in MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: My: luckyMy lucky day! day! his hislife. life. MICHELLEMICHELLE: Since: Since you’re you’re so luckyso lucky today, today, how how about about buying buying a raffle a raffle 10 LIZZIE10 LIZZIE: But: Buthe sawhe saw them them standing standing there! there! 10 10 ticket?ticket? (Holds (Holds up poster.)up poster.) ELEANORELEANOR: That’s: That’s just justwhat what his sisterhis sister wants wants everybody everybody to think. to think. MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Obladi: Obladi Oblada! Oblada! The The Beatles! Beatles! They They stayed stayed in in LIZZIELIZZIE: What: What do youdo youmean? mean? thatthat hotel? hotel? ELEANORELEANOR: I think: I think he reallyhe really did seedid seethe theBeatles! Beatles! MICHELLEMICHELLE: Their: Their bus busbroke broke down down on theiron their way way to a to gig a gigduring during their their 1964 tour, so they spent a night right there! LIZZIELIZZIE: Oh,: Oh,no! no!You’ve You’ve got gotit, too! it, too! 1964 tour, so they spent a night right there! 15 15 : Then I will buy a ticket! (Thinks.) No, I will buy four 15 ELEANOR15 ELEANOR: Couldn’t: Couldn’t somebody somebody have have just just acted acted like like the the Beatles? Beatles? MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Then I will buy a ticket! (Thinks.) No, I will buy four Wouldn’tWouldn’t that that be enoughbe enough to make to make the theold oldgrump grump think think he’s he’s losing losing tickets!tickets! Here Here is five is five dollars. dollars. his mind?his mind? MICHELLEMICHELLE: (Hands: (Hands him himtickets.) tickets.) Thank Thank you. you. If your If your number number matches matches the number drawn, you win! LIZZIELIZZIE: The: The long long hair hair and and makeup! makeup! the number drawn, you win! : This is my lucky day! (Hands MICHELLE money, ELEANORELEANOR: What?: What? MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: This is my lucky day! (Hands MICHELLE money, 20 20 andand she she EXITS EXITS LEFT. LEFT. MR. MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD whistles. whistles. JINX, JINX, MINX MINX and and 20 20 : I found: I found long long hair hair and and stage stage makeup makeup right right there! there! (Points (Points to a to a LIZZIELIZZIE FINXFINX ENTER ENTER RIGHT, RIGHT, all eatingall eating Tootsie Tootsie Pops.) Pops.) Get Get over over here, here, spotspot on the on floorthe floor near near CENTER CENTER EXIT.) EXIT.) It was It was the kindthe kind we usedwe used last last my mypretties! pretties! yearyear when when I was I was in “Romeo in “Romeo and and Juliet.” Juliet.” MINXMINX: Don’t: Don’t call callus your us your pretties! pretties! ELEANORELEANOR: Let’s: Let’s go cornergo corner that that detective detective and and set himset himstraight. straight. MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: But: Butyou youare! are! LIZZIELIZZIE: Just: Just don’t don’t scare scare him himor he’ll or he’ll pull pulla carrot a carrot on you!on you! (ELEANOR (ELEANOR 25 MINX25 MINX: Not: Notall of all us! of Jinxus! Jinx is ugly is ugly as an as elephant’san elephant’s behind! behind! 25 25 andand LIZZIE LIZZIE EXIT EXIT CENTER CENTER as MICHELLE,as MICHELLE, JUDE, JUDE, HILLARY HILLARY and and BRENDABRENDA ENTER ENTER RIGHT RIGHT carrying carrying a money a money box, box, more more posters posters JINXJINX: Why,: Why, you— you— ! (He ! (Heand and MINX MINX square square off, off,but butMR. MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD andand a can a canstuffed stuffed with with raffle raffle tickets.) tickets.) stepssteps between between them.) them.) MICHELLEMICHELLE: I can’t: I can’t believe believe it! it! MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: You’re: You’re acting acting like likechildren, children, my pretties.my pretties. And And we havewe have a job to do. Why can’t you be like Finx? So mature! (FINX stands HILLARYHILLARY: People: People are arebuying buying tickets tickets like likecrazy! crazy! a job to do. Why can’t you be like Finx? So mature! (FINX stands 30 30 behindbehind MR. MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD and and makes makes faces faces during during next next lines.) lines.) 30 BRENDA30 BRENDA: We’ve: We’ve made made hundreds hundreds of dollars! of dollars! MINXMINX: He’s: He’s just justa suck-up. a suck-up. JUDEJUDE: Like,: Like, it’s totallyit’s totally radical radical that that the theBeatles Beatles still stilllive! live! JINXJINX: Yeah.: Yeah. Your Your little little pet. pet. MICHELLEMICHELLE: How: How much much have have we madewe made so far? so far? MINXMINX: And: And behind behind your your back, back, he’s he’s worse worse than than a hyena a hyena with with ADHD. ADHD. HILLARYHILLARY: At: last At lastcount, count, $615. $615. MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: I :hardly I hardly doubt doubt that. that. Finx Finx is the is theone one I can I candepend depend BRENDABRENDA: Can: Can you youimagine imagine how how many many games games and and toys toys that’ll that’ll buy? buy? 35 35 uponupon for takingfor taking situations situations seriously seriously and and making making sure sure you youtwo twodon’t don’t 35 JUDE35 JUDE: Like: Like eighteen eighteen puzzles, puzzles, ten tenvideo video games, games, twelve twelve dolls, dolls, twenty- twenty- botchbotch the thejob. job.Right, Right, Finx? Finx? (Turns (Turns suddenly, suddenly, but butFINX FINX is too is tooquick quick fivefive coloring coloring books books and andfive five stuffed stuffed poodles! poodles! for himfor himand and smiles smiles benignly.) benignly.) MICHELLEMICHELLE: (Notices: (Notices table.) table.) Oh, Oh,my gosh!my gosh! Look! Look! FINXFINX: Whatever: Whatever you yousay, say, Mr. Mr.Mustard. Mustard. JUDEJUDE: Like,: Like, I’ve I’veseen seen that that tape tape on TV.on TV. MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: That’s: That’s what what I like I liketo hear. to hear. Total Total compliance! compliance! (Pats (Pats HILLARYHILLARY: It’s: crimeIt’s crime scene scene tape! tape! 40 40 FINXFINX on head.)on head.)

34 34 15 15 RIGHTSRIGHTS MUST MUST BE PURCHASED BE PURCHASED BEFORE BEFORE REPRODUCING REPRODUCING THIS THIS SCRIPT SCRIPT 1 SGT.1 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: They: They never never spoke spoke for me!for me! 1 MR.1 MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: (A: (Atantrum.) tantrum.) But But they’re they’re mine! mine! They’re They’re for for my my ELEANORELEANOR: And: And Janis Janis Joplin Joplin did? did? collection!collection! I want I want my mypictures! pictures! I want I want my mypictures! pictures! SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: (Sad,: (Sad, a tear a tear in his in hiseye.) eye.) She She sure sure did! did! That That lady lady could could FINXFINX: There,: There, there, there, Mr. Mr.Mustard. Mustard. We’ll We’ll find find your your pictures. pictures. (GOODE (GOODE breakbreak your your heart heart with with her hervoice. voice. ENTERSENTERS LEFT, LEFT, munching munching a doughnut a doughnut and and holding holding the thepictures pictures in in his hisother other hand.) hand.) 5 ELEANOR5 ELEANOR: The: The Beatles Beatles were were downright downright dapper dapper compared compared to the to the 5 5 RollingRolling Stones. Stones. GOODEGOODE: These: These what what you’re you’re looking looking for? for? SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: But: But they they gave gave me melots lots of satisfaction! of satisfaction! JINXJINX: Give: Give them them back! back! ELEANORELEANOR: And: And The The Who? Who? Who Who were were they? they? MINXMINX: You: You thief! thief! (She (She and and JINX JINX jump jump GOODE, GOODE, who who puts puts up upa a good struggle, dropping the pictures in the process. FINX SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: I got: I gotto be to abe pinball a pinball wizard wizard listening listening to them! to them! good struggle, dropping the pictures in the process. FINX 10 10 pickspicks up upthe the suitcase suitcase and and hits hits GOODE GOODE with with it. Asit. AsGOODE GOODE 10 ELEANOR10 : But: But Sgt. Sgt. Paprika, Paprika, there there has has to beto abe twist. a twist. You You just just don’t don’t ELEANOR fallsfalls unconscious, unconscious, the the Beatles Beatles memorabilia memorabilia falls falls to theto the floor floor makemake any any sense. sense. I’ve I’ve worked worked for youfor you for twenty-fivefor twenty-five years years and andstill still atopatop him. him. CHEERIE, CHEERIE, STRETCH, STRETCH, CLOVIS CLOVIS and and LIPPY LIPPY ENTER ENTER can’tcan’t figure figure you youout. out. LEFT,LEFT, acting acting like like the the Beatles.) Beatles.) SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Look,: Look, Miss Miss Digby… Digby… you’re you’re my my auditor, auditor, not not my my CHEERIECHEERIE: Look,: Look, mates! mates! Me Mekite! kite! analyst.analyst. Now Now who who was was that that making making a reservation? a reservation? 15 STRETCH15 STRETCH: Well,: Well, if that if that ain’t ain’t something! something! Me Meglasses! glasses! And And look look there, there, 15 ELEANOR15 : (Miffed.): (Miffed.) Some Some people. people. ELEANOR me meMagical Magical Mystery Mystery Tour Tour ticket! ticket! SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: That’s: That’s a good a good start. start. LIPPYLIPPY: And: And how’d how’d you you blokes blokes get getme mekeys? keys? (JINX, (JINX, MINX, MINX, FINX FINX and and ELEANORELEANOR: Five: Five ladies. ladies. MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD scream scream in terror in terror and and race race OFF OFF RIGHT.) RIGHT.) SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: What: What is it, is a it, tour? a tour? CHEERIECHEERIE: Look: Look at ’em at ’em run! run! ELEANORELEANOR: A :fan A fanclub. club. 20 STRETCH20 STRETCH: : You’d You’d think think they’d they’d seen seen a ghost a ghost or or something! something! 20 SGT.20 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: (Suspicious.): (Suspicious.) Whose Whose fan fanclub? club? (LUCY,(LUCY, HONEY, HONEY, JULIA, JULIA, MAGGIE, MAGGIE, SALLY, SALLY, ELEANOR, ELEANOR, SGT. SGT. ELEANORELEANOR: You: You heard heard me! me! I didn’t I didn’t admit admit a thing! a thing! I never I never mentioned mentioned PAPRIKA,PAPRIKA, MICHELLE, MICHELLE, BRENDA, BRENDA, HILLARY, HILLARY, LIZZIE LIZZIE and and the theBeatles! Beatles! JUDEJUDE ENTER ENTER RIGHT.) RIGHT.) SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: A: Beatles A Beatles fan fan club?! club?! I thought I thought they they died died out out SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Hey!: Hey! They’re They’re running running out outon theiron their bill! bill! yearsyears ago. ago. 25 LUCY25 LUCY: (Noticing: (Noticing the theFAB FAB FOUR.) FOUR.) It’s… It’s… it’s… it’s… them! them! 25 ELEANOR25 ELEANOR: There: There are arestill stilla few a few on respirators.on respirators. HONEYHONEY: John,: John, Paul, Paul, George, George, and— and— SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Why’d: Why’d they they pick pick this this place? place? FANSFANS: Ringo!: Ringo! (Scream (Scream and and rush rush to them.) to them.) ELEANORELEANOR: The: The name… name… Penny Penny Lane, Lane, one one of their of their favorite favorite songs. songs. JULIAJULIA: I need: I need your your autograph! autograph! SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: The: The name’s name’s got gotnothing nothing to doto dowith with the theBeatles, Beatles, for for MAGGIEMAGGIE: To: MaggieTo Maggie May May with with love! love! Lots Lots of love! of love! cryingcrying out outloud! loud! My Mygreat, great, great, great, great great grandfather grandfather named named it that it that 30 SALLY30 SALLY: And: And I’m I’mLong, Long, Tall Tall Sally! Sally! 30 30 becausebecause Penny Penny Lane Lane used used to runto runin frontin front of theof thehotel hotel until until they they STRETCHSTRETCH: Now,: Now, hold hold on! on!We’re We’re not notreally really the theBeatles! Beatles! changedchanged the thename name of the of thestreet street to Pulaski to Pulaski Avenue. Avenue. MICHELLEMICHELLE: Is: that Is that you, you, Stretch? Stretch? ELEANORELEANOR: I :told I told them them that, that, but butthey they didn’t didn’t care. care. (LIZZIE (LIZZIE ENTERS ENTERS CENTERCENTER with with mop mop and and bucket.) bucket.) STRETCHSTRETCH: Yeah…: Yeah… : Some woman paid us to be the Beatles. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: You’re: You’re sure sure you you never never mentioned— mentioned— CLOVISCLOVIS: Some woman paid us to be the Beatles. 35 SGT.35 PAPRIKA: Some: Some little little chickadee chickadee in a in fur a coat?fur coat? 35 ELEANOR35 ELEANOR: My: Mylips lips are aresealed! sealed! SGT. PAPRIKA : Yeah… but she never gave us a cent. LIZZIELIZZIE: Mentioned: Mentioned what? what? (SGT. (SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA and and ELEANOR ELEANOR now now LIPPYLIPPY: Yeah… but she never gave us a cent. seesee LIZZIE.) LIZZIE.) ELEANORELEANOR: I don’t: I don’t think think you’re you’re the theonly only bill billshe she didn’t didn’t pay. pay. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: None: None of your of your beeswax! beeswax! (EXITS (EXITS past past her herat CENTER.) at CENTER.) LUCYLUCY: Oh,: Oh, look! look! My MyMagical Magical Mystery Mystery Tour Tour ticket! ticket! MAGGIEMAGGIE: My: Mykite! kite!

2 2 47 47 RIGHTSRIGHTS MUST MUST BE PURCHASEDBE PURCHASED BEFORE BEFORE REPRODUCING REPRODUCING THIS THIS SCRIPT SCRIPT For Preview Only

1 MINX1 MINX: So: Sowhat’s what’s our ourjob jobhere? here? 1 CLARABELL1 CLARABELL: Well,: Well, it’s it’sworkin’ workin’ like like a charm, a charm, you you li’l ole li’l olewitch witch doctor! doctor! MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: We: We first first stash stash the thegoods goods from from our lastour last escapade. escapade. DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: I’ve: I’ve got gota room a room ready ready at Happy at Happy Acres. Acres. JINXJINX: Check!: Check! CLARABELLCLARABELL: I hope: I hope it’s it’spadded. padded. MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: And: And then then we westeal steal the thenice nice little little Renoir Renoir they’ve they’ve got got DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: They’ll: They’ll take take very very good good care care of your of your brother brother 5 5 on on display display at their at their art art museum museum in town. in town. It’s It’s the the only only important important 5 5 there.there. paintingpainting they’ve they’ve got, got, and and they’re they’re going going to share to share it with it with me! me! CLARABELLCLARABELL: : Poor Poor thing! thing! Why, Why, he’s he’s so so delusional delusional he’s he’s seein’ seein’ MINXMINX: Us!: Us! things.things. MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: But: But of course! of course! Come Come along, along, my my pretties! pretties! There’s There’s DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: Not: Not uncommon uncommon with with his hiscondition. condition. workwork to be to done!be done! CLARABELLCLARABELL: I’m: I’mso afraidso afraid if he if seeshe sees them them Beatles Beatles again, again, why… why… he’ll he’ll 10 FINX10 FINX: : Whatever Whatever you you say, say, Mr. Mr. Mustard. Mustard. You’re You’re the the boss! boss! (MR. (MR. 10 10 justjust go rightgo right over over the thedeep deep end. end. MUSTARDMUSTARD pats pats FINX FINX on onhead head as asthe theOTHERS OTHERS glare. glare. LIGHTS LIGHTS DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: You: You think think he mighthe might see see them them tonight? tonight? DIM to darkness.) DIM to darkness.) CLARABELLCLARABELL: Why,: Why, I’d betI’d betthe thefarm farm on it!on (GOODE it! (GOODE ENTERS ENTERS LEFT, LEFT, EndEnd of Scene of Scene Two Two so hystericalso hysterical he’s he’s doubling doubling over.) over.) DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: Oh,: Oh, no! no!This This man’s man’s been been shot! shot! Or punched!Or punched! Or Or ACTACT ONE ONE 15 15 stabbed!stabbed! (Moves (Moves to GOODE.) to GOODE.) Don’t Don’t worry! worry! I’m I’ma doctor! a doctor! (GOODE (GOODE SceneScene Three Three burstsbursts out outlaughing.) laughing.) CURTAINCURTAIN UP: UP: The The hotel hotel lobby, lobby, several several days days later. later. ELEANOR ELEANOR is is CLARABELLCLARABELL: Doc,: Doc, I don’t I don’t think think this this cop’s cop’s dying. dying. hanginghanging up up a poster a poster for for the the raffle raffle with with masking masking tape. tape. BEATLES BEATLES GOODEGOODE: I :am! I am! I am! I am! I am! I am! He’s He’s killing killing me! me! (Doubles (Doubles over over again again with with 15 MUSIC15 MUSIC PLAYS PLAYS softly, softly, and and she she is doing is doing a few a few dance dance moves. moves. Once Once she she laughterlaughter as SGT.as SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA ENTERS ENTERS LEFT.) LEFT.) finishesfinishes hanging hanging the theposter, poster, she shespins spins around around and andtries tries to completeto complete a a 20 SGT.20 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: I saw: I saw what what I saw! I saw! twisttwist but buthurts hurts her herhip. hip. She She winces winces in pain. in pain. CLARABELLCLARABELL: What: What did didyou you see, see, brother brother dear? dear? ELEANORELEANOR: Guess: Guess I’m I’mtoo tooold oldfor thefor thetwist twist and and just just right right for thefor thelimp. limp. (Limps(Limps to a to chair a chair and and sits sits just just as SGT.as SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA storms storms IN LEFT,IN LEFT, SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: The: The Beatles! Beatles! Standin’ Standin’ right right there! there! And And they they were were singing! (GOODE dissolves in laughter.) 20 20 holdingholding a handful a handful of posters of posters he’s he’s ripped ripped down.) down.) singing! (GOODE dissolves in laughter.) SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: What: What do youdo you know know about about this? this? DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: But,: But, Detective, Detective, this this is no is laughingno laughing matter! matter! ELEANORELEANOR: (Jumps: (Jumps up.) up.) About About what? what? 25 GOODE25 GOODE: (Immediately: (Immediately stands stands up, up,sour sour and and businesslike businesslike again.) again.) ThatThat so? so? SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Don’t: Don’t you you look look at me at mewith with those those innocent, innocent, wide wide blue blue eyeseyes and and pretend pretend you you don’t don’t know know what’s what’s going going on! on!(Holds (Holds out out DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: This: This could could be be an an indication indication of a of very a very serious serious condition. 25 25 posters.)posters.) condition. ELEANORELEANOR: (Innocent.): (Innocent.) Why, Why, what what are arethose? those? GOODEGOODE: Yeah!: Yeah! A case A case of sticky of sticky fingers! fingers! SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: (Spies: (Spies the theposter poster ELEANOR ELEANOR has has just just hung hung up.) up.) 30 SGT.30 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: I :never I never stole stole nothin’! nothin’! Especially Especially anything anything having having to to TheThe same same as thisas this one! one! (Moves (Moves to tearto tear it down, it down, but butELEANOR ELEANOR do withdo with them them longhaired longhaired hippies! hippies! (EXITS (EXITS CENTER.) CENTER.) blocksblocks him.) him.) GOODEGOODE: Yeah,: Yeah, well, well, we’ll we’ll see see about about that, that, buddy. buddy. (Follows (Follows SGT. SGT. PAPRIKA OFF CENTER as DOCTOR ROBERT and CLARABELL 30 ELEANOR30 ELEANOR: You: You tear tear that that down down at your at your own own peril, peril, Sgt. Sgt. Paprika! Paprika! PAPRIKA OFF CENTER as DOCTOR ROBERT and CLARABELL givegive each each other other a high a high five.) five.) SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: This: This is… is… this this is… is… mutiny! mutiny! 35 CLARABELL35 CLARABELL: You: You know, know, Doctor, Doctor, I think I think this this calls calls for for a double a double ELEANORELEANOR: (Coy.): (Coy.) Mutiny’s Mutiny’s such such a… a… dirty dirty word. word. chocolatechocolate shake shake with with sprinkles. sprinkles. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: But: But that’s that’s what what it is! it is! DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: My: Mytreat! treat! (CLARABELL (CLARABELL EXITS EXITS LEFT, LEFT, followed followed ELEANORELEANOR: I know,: I know, but butlet’s let’s not notcall call it that. it that. by DOCTORby DOCTOR ROBERT. ROBERT. ELEANOR ELEANOR comes comes our ourfrom from BEHIND BEHIND desk desk 35 SGT.35 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: I :gave I gave you you an anorder, order, woman, woman, to keepto keep your your big bigyap yap andand moves moves DOWN DOWN RIGHT RIGHT as LIZZIEas LIZZIE ENTERS ENTERS CENTER.) CENTER.) shutshut about about you-know-who you-know-who stayin’ stayin’ here here that that night! night! Let Letit be! it be!

16 16 33 33 1 CLARABELL1 CLARABELL: What?: What? 1 LIZZIE1 LIZZIE: (Breaks: (Breaks into intotears, tears, which which she shealways always does does when when she’s she’s upset.) upset.) ELEANORELEANOR: This: This is Dr. is Dr. Sigmund Sigmund Sligmund Sligmund from from the the Potsdam Potsdam What’dWhat’d I do I now?do now? PsychiatricPsychiatric Institute. Institute. ELEANORELEANOR: Nothing.: Nothing. An oldAn warold warwound. wound. JUDEJUDE: (Bowing: (Bowing congenially.) congenially.) Hello, Hello, hello, hello, hello! hello! LIZZIELIZZIE: I didn’t: I didn’t know know Sgt. Sgt. Paprika Paprika was was wounded wounded in the in thewar. war. 5 ELEANOR5 ELEANOR: Dr.: SligmundDr. Sligmund has hasbeen been observing observing Ms. Ms.Little. Little. 5 ELEANOR5 ELEANOR: It : wasn’t It wasn’t exactly exactly a war a warwound. wound. During During a sudden a sudden storm, storm, JUDEJUDE: Ya,: Ya,und und she sheiz cuckoo! iz cuckoo! he stoodhe stood under under a palm a palm tree tree and and three three coconuts coconuts fell andfell and hit him hit himon on CLARABELLCLARABELL: Where: Where is Doctor is Doctor Robert? Robert? the thehead. head. JUDEJUDE: Doctor: Doctor Robert Robert concurs! concurs! LIZZIELIZZIE: Oh,: Oh, my my goodness! goodness! That’s That’s just just terrible. terrible. They They could could have have crackedcracked his skull.his skull. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: See,: See, boys! boys! She’s She’s the theone one you youwant! want! 10 ELEANOR10 ELEANOR: So: So what? what? Sometimes Sometimes I don’t I don’t think think there’s there’s anything anything 10 10 : Ya,: Ya,it iz itHappy iz Happy Acres Acres for her!for her! (ORDERLIES (ORDERLIES begin begin moving moving in on in on JUDEJUDE insideinside it. it. CLARABELLCLARABELL who who starts starts backing backing RIGHT.) RIGHT.) SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA’S PAPRIKA’S VOICE VOICE: (From: (From OFF OFF CENTER.) CENTER.) I heard I heard that! that! : Now,: Now, hold hold your your horses! horses! I got I got papers papers here! here! You’re You’re CLARABELLCLARABELL (MICHELLE,(MICHELLE, HILLARY, HILLARY, JUDE JUDE and and BRENDA BRENDA ENTER ENTER RIGHT. RIGHT. supposedsupposed to take to take him! him! MICHELLEMICHELLE doesn’t doesn’t say saya word, a word, but butlooks looks over over the thelobby lobby in awe.) in awe.) JUDEJUDE: She: She vill resist.vill resist. But Butyou youget getbonus bonus if you if youget gether! her! 15 HILLARY15 HILLARY: Hi,: MissHi, Miss Digby! Digby! Hi, Lizzie!Hi, Lizzie! 15 ELEANOR15 ELEANOR: Two: Two extra extra large large pizzas! pizzas! LIZZIELIZZIE: Hi,: guys!Hi, guys! ORDERLYORDERLY ONE ONE: Extra: Extra cheese? cheese? BRENDABRENDA: Done: Done cleaning cleaning up? up? ELEANORELEANOR: Extra: Extra cheese! cheese! LIZZIELIZZIE: I’ve: I’vejust justgot gotthe thehall hallto sweep. to sweep. CLARABELLCLARABELL: Fiddledeedee!: Fiddledeedee! (Screams (Screams and and runs runs OFF OFF RIGHT, RIGHT, ELEANORELEANOR: Oh,: Oh,I can I cando that,do that, Lizzie. Lizzie. followedfollowed by ORDERLIES by ORDERLIES and and their their nets.) nets.) 20 JUDE20 JUDE: Thought: Thought maybe maybe you’d, you’d, like, like, want want to come to come with with us. us. 20 MR.20 MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: :(FROM (FROM OFF OFF CENTER.) CENTER.) Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! (SOUND (SOUND EFFECT:EFFECT: FIRE FIRE ALARM.) ALARM.) LIZZIELIZZIE: Where: Where are areyou yougoing? going? SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Fire!: Fire! JUDEJUDE: Burger: Burger Barn! Barn! Totally Totally rad. rad. LIZZIELIZZIE: Everybody: Everybody out! out!(ELEANOR (ELEANOR and and SGT. SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA run runOFF OFF BRENDABRENDA: “From: “From hoof hoof to bun to bun in the in theblink blink of an of eye.”an eye.” RIGHT.RIGHT. A momentA moment later, later, CHEERIE, CHEERIE, STRETCH, STRETCH, LIPPY LIPPY and and ELEANORELEANOR: Burger: Burger Barn Barn is totally is totally responsible responsible for formy my decision decision to to 25 25 CLOVISCLOVIS ENTER ENTER CENTER.) CENTER.) 25 25 becomebecome a vegetarian. a vegetarian. CHEERIECHEERIE: (Indicating: (Indicating RIGHT.) RIGHT.) Out Outthis thisway! way! LIZZIELIZZIE: Thanks,: Thanks, guys, guys, I’d loveI’d love to come,to come, but butI’ve I’ve got gotto goto togo to STRETCHSTRETCH: No!: No! Through Through the the café! café! I want I want a doughnut a doughnut before before they they the thehospital. hospital. all burnall burn up! up!(He, (He, CHEERIE, CHEERIE, CLOVIS CLOVIS and and LIPPY LIPPY EXIT EXIT LEFT. LEFT. JUDEJUDE: Oh,: Oh, like, like, wow, wow, you’re you’re not nota day a day tripper tripper or something,or something, MR.MR. MUSTARD, MUSTARD, MINX, MINX, JINX JINX and and FINX FINX ENTER ENTER CENTER. CENTER. FINX FINX are areyou? you? 30 30 carriescarries a suitcase.) a suitcase.) 30 LIZZIE30 LIZZIE: No,: No,I’m notI’m anot day a daytripper. tripper. I would I would never never take take the easythe easy way way out. out. FINXFINX: Worked: Worked like likea charm, a charm, Mr. Mr.Mustard. Mustard. I’ve I’vegot gotto visit to visit my littlemy little cousin cousin Austin. Austin. MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Nothing: Nothing like likeyelling yelling “fire” “fire” to getto geteverybody everybody out! out! BRENDABRENDA: Oh,: Oh,yeah, yeah, he’s he’s in the in thehospital, hospital, isn’t isn’t he? he? MINXMINX: Say,: Say, Mr. Mr.Mustard… Mustard… you younotice notice something something funny? funny? (They (They notice notice LIZZIELIZZIE: Yeah,: Yeah, he’s he’s got gotthat that blood blood thing thing they’re they’re trying trying to regulate. to regulate. And And the theposters posters are areoff theoff thewall.) wall.) he’she’s soooooo soooooo bored. bored. There’s There’s nothing nothing for kidsfor kids who who get getstuck stuck in that in that placeplace to do. to do.I’ve I’vegot gotto bring to bring my myown own games games and and everything. everything. And And 35 MR.35 MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Well,: Well, I’ll be I’ll abe dog a dog without without a tail! a tail!(JINX (JINX looks looks behind behind 35 35 MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD for hisfor tail.)his tail.) sincesince his momhis mom works works at night, at night, he’s he’s all alone. all alone. FINXFINX: The: The pictures pictures are aregone! gone! JUDEJUDE: That: That is like is likesomething something out outof Oliver of Oliver Copperfield. Copperfield. Or maybeOr maybe it’s it’s like likeDavid David Twist Twist or something. or something. JINXJINX: So’s: So’s your your tail! tail! ELEANORELEANOR: You: You just justrun runalong, along, Lizzie… Lizzie… and and I’ll do I’ll thedo thehall. hall. MINXMINX: Somebody: Somebody must’ve must’ve found found ’em! ’em!

46 46 3 3 RIGHTSRIGHTS MUST MUST BE PURCHASED BE PURCHASED BEFORE BEFORE REPRODUCING REPRODUCING THIS THIS SCRIPT SCRIPT For Preview Only

1 GOODE1 GOODE: : (Reads (Reads it.) it.) “Divestments, “Divestments, insecurities, insecurities, money money mis- mis- 1 ELEANOR1 ELEANOR: (Salutes.): (Salutes.) I did I keepdid keep my bigmy yapbig yapshut, shut, commander! commander! management.”management.” SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Then: Then how’d how’d they they find find out outabout about it? it?You’re You’re the theonly only CLARABELLCLARABELL: I’m: aI’m jack a jack of all of trades. all trades. oneone who who knows! knows! GOODEGOODE: Let: Let me me return return the the compliment. compliment. (Pulls (Pulls a carrot a carrot out outof hisof his ELEANORELEANOR: I don’t: I don’t know know how how they they found found out, out, but butmaybe maybe somebody somebody 5 5 pocketpocket and and hands hands it to it CLARABELL.)to CLARABELL.) Oh, Oh, sorry! sorry! I’m I’m all out all out of of 5 5 elseelse remembered remembered it or it maybe or maybe they they found found it in itan in old an newspaperold newspaper or or cards.cards. The The name’s name’s Goode. Goode. Johnny Johnny B. Goode. B. Goode. I’m inI’m charge in charge here. here. magazinemagazine or maybe or maybe on theon theInternet Internet or maybe or maybe in one in one of a of hundred a hundred CLARABELLCLARABELL: Is :my Is bigmy brotherbig brother all right? all right? differentdifferent ways! ways! GOODEGOODE: Which: Which one’s one’s your your brother? brother? SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: I’ll: not I’ll nothave have it! I it!want I want you youto get to getout outthere there and and tear tear CLARABELLCLARABELL: About: About this thistall, tall,wearin’ wearin’ overalls overalls and and cranky cranky as anas oldan old downdown every every poster poster I wasn’t I wasn’t able able to reach! to reach! 10 10 tug tugboat boat engine. engine. 10 ELEANOR10 ELEANOR: I will: I willnot! not! Those Those kids kids are aretrying trying to do to somethingdo something positive, positive, SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: (ENTERS: (ENTERS CENTER.) CENTER.) I heard I heard that! that! andand I’m I’mnot notgoing going to let to youlet youstand stand in their in their way! way! We’ve We’ve agreed agreed to to givegive them them a room a room for thefor thenight night as aas raffle a raffle prize, prize, and andyou’re you’re going going : You: You hit that hit that nail nailon theon thehead. head. GOODEGOODE throughthrough with with it whether it whether you youlike likeit or it not! or not! SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: What’re: What’re you youdoin’ doin’ here, here, Clarabell? Clarabell? SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: (Blustering.): (Blustering.) Why… Why… why… why… why! why! (At a(At loss a loss for words,for words, CLARABELLCLARABELL: Why,: Why, sweetie, sweetie, I heard I heard you yougot gotrobbed robbed last lastnight. night. 15 15 growlsgrowls and and EXITS EXITS CENTER. CENTER. LUCY, LUCY, HONEY, HONEY, JULIA, JULIA, MAGGIE MAGGIE and and 15 GOODE15 GOODE: While: While he he was was catchin’ catchin’ z’s z’s in that in that chair. chair. (Points (Points to to SALLYSALLY ENTER ENTER RIGHT, RIGHT, carrying carrying suitcases. suitcases. LUCY LUCY holds holds poster.) poster.) wrongwrong chair.) chair.) LUCYLUCY: (Excited.): (Excited.) Is it Istrue?! it true?! SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: That: That chair! chair! (Points (Points to right to right chair.) chair.) ELEANORELEANOR: What?: What? GOODEGOODE: (À: la (À Steve la Steve Martin.) Martin.) Well, Well, excuse excuse me! me! HONEYHONEY: Did…: Did… (With (With great great reverence.) reverence.) …they …they sleep sleep here? here? CLARABELLCLARABELL: All: the All theBeatles Beatles things things are aregone? gone? 20 ELEANOR20 ELEANOR: They?: They? 20 SGT.20 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Every: Every last lastone one of ’em. of ’em. And And good good riddance! riddance! LUCYLUCY: John,: John, Paul, Paul, George George and— and— CLARABELLCLARABELL: But,: But, Jojo… Jojo… somethin’ somethin’ else else is wrong. is wrong. ALLALL: Ringo!: Ringo! SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: (Quick.): (Quick.) No! No!Nothin’ Nothin’ else else is wrong! is wrong! ELEANORELEANOR: Yes!: Yes! It’s true! It’s true! They They stayed stayed right right here, here, and and it’s time it’s time the worldthe world CLARABELLCLARABELL: But,: But, honey, honey, you youlook look like likeyou youdone done seen seen a ghost! a ghost! knew!knew! (LUCY, (LUCY, HONEY, HONEY, JULIA, JULIA, MAGGIE MAGGIE and and SALLY, SALLY, members members of of SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: I ain’t: I ain’t seen seen a ghost! a ghost! Not Noteven even four four of ’em! of ’em! 25 25 the theBeatles Beatles Fan Fan Club, Club, squeal squeal with with delight delight like likeschoolgirls.) schoolgirls.) Let Letme me 25 CLARABELL25 CLARABELL: Four: Four ghosts! ghosts! You You saw saw four four ghosts? ghosts? guess.guess. You’re You’re not nothere here for thefor theundertakers’ undertakers’ convention. convention. GOODEGOODE: You: You never never said said nothin’ nothin’ about about seein’ seein’ ghosts, ghosts, Mac. Mac. JULIAJULIA: Undertakers?: Undertakers? Goodness, Goodness, no! no! SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: And: And I ain’t I ain’t sayin’ sayin’ nothin’ nothin’ about about it now! it now! (EXITS (EXITS MAGGIEMAGGIE: We’re: We’re the theBeatles Beatles Fan Fan Club! Club! LEFT.)LEFT.) SALLYSALLY: Alive: Alive and and well! well! Well, Well, most most of the of thetime! time! GOODEGOODE: Now,: Now, you youhold hold on there,on there, Pops! Pops! I wanna I wanna know know more more about about 30 LUCY30 LUCY: (Leads: (Leads the thecheer.) cheer.) John, John, George, George, Ringo, Ringo, Paul! Paul! 30 30 thesethese ghosts! ghosts! (Follows (Follows SGT. SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA OFF OFF LEFT.) LEFT.) We Welove, love, we love,we love, we lovewe love you youall! all! CLARABELLCLARABELL: (Moves: (Moves to phoneto phone on ondesk desk and and dials. dials. Dramatic.) Dramatic.) We Weare aretrue, true, your your loyal loyal fans! fans! Doctor?Doctor? Oh, Oh,Doctor, Doctor, I’m I’mjust justso worriedso worried about about my mybrother! brother! Why, Why, We Wewanna wanna hold hold your your hands! hands! (FANS (FANS scream scream again again wildly. wildly. ELEANOR ELEANOR it appearsit appears he’s he’s seein’ seein’ things! things! C’mon C’mon down down and and you youcan cansee seefor for lookslooks CENTER, CENTER, fearing fearing an appearancean appearance by SGT. by SGT. PAPRIKA.) PAPRIKA.) yourself!yourself! (Laughs (Laughs wickedly wickedly and and EXITS EXITS CENTER.) CENTER.) 35 ELEANOR35 ELEANOR: Ladies!: Ladies! Ladies! Ladies! Curb Curb your your enthusiasm enthusiasm a bit… a bit… we dowe have do have 35 ELEANOR35 ELEANOR: (ENTERS: (ENTERS RIGHT. RIGHT. To herself To herself as she as shenotices notices empty empty table.) table.) otherother guests. guests. Oh, Oh,dear! dear! The The old oldcoot coot must must have have been been robbed! robbed! Well, Well, I’d betterI’d better HONEYHONEY: Sorry!: Sorry! We Wejust justget getcarried carried away away at times. at times. writewrite my mylast lastpaycheck paycheck before before he doesn’the doesn’t have have a thing a thing left! left!(Sits (Sits ELEANORELEANOR: Maybe: Maybe you youought ought to register. to register. BEHINDBEHIND desk desk so sheso sheis unseen.is unseen. CLARABELL CLARABELL and and DOCTOR DOCTOR JULIAJULIA: I told: I toldyou youwe’d we’d hit the hit thejackpot jackpot if we if stayedwe stayed here, here, girls! girls! ROBERTROBERT ENTER ENTER CENTER.) CENTER.)

32 32 17 17 1 LIZZIE1 LIZZIE: What: What about— about— (Indicates (Indicates SGT. SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA OFF OFF CENTER.) CENTER.) 1 SGT.1 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Well,: Well, now now that that you you bring bring it up— it up— ELEANORELEANOR: I can: I can take take care care of Captain of Captain Crabby! Crabby! ELEANORELEANOR: I thought: I thought you you brought brought it up. it up. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA’S PAPRIKA’S VOICE VOICE: (From: (From OFF OFF CENTER.) CENTER.) I heard I heard that! that! SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: I: guess I guess I did. I did. How How long long have have you you been been here, here, LIZZIELIZZIE: (Puts: (Puts bucket bucket and and mop mop behind behind desk desk and and grabs grabs jacket. jacket. To To MissMiss Digby? Digby? 5 5 BRENDA.)BRENDA.) Can Can I ask I ask you you something? something? What’s What’s with with Michelle? Michelle? 5 ELEANOR5 ELEANOR: Long: Long enough enough for youfor you to call to call me meEleanor. Eleanor. BRENDABRENDA: You: You mean mean today today or every or every day? day? SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Eleanor.: Eleanor. That’s That’s a pretty a pretty name. name. LIZZIELIZZIE: She’s: She’s okay? okay? ELEANORELEANOR: (Sees: (Sees something something OFF OFF RIGHT.) RIGHT.) Come Come over over here, here, Sgt. Sgt. HILLARYHILLARY: She’s: She’s been been acting acting funny funny ever ever since since history history class. class. We We went went Paprika.Paprika. I need I need to show to show you you something something behind behind the thedesk. desk. to theto thelibrary library and and were were researching researching our ourpapers. papers. I guess I guess she she found found SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: (Rises,: (Rises, cheerful cheerful and and shy. shy. Walks Walks to desk.) to desk.) Maybe Maybe it’s it’s 10 10 somethingsomething freaky. freaky. 10 10 timetime you you started started calling calling me meJojo. Jojo. (ELEANOR (ELEANOR grabs grabs SGT. SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA JUDEJUDE: I,: like, I, like, found found out outsomething something real real freaky. freaky. Did Did you you know know that that a a andand pulls pulls him him down down BEHIND BEHIND desk.) desk.) Eleanor! Eleanor! What’s What’s gotten gotten into into rat’srat’s tail tailcan can be twicebe twice as longas long as itsas body?its body? you?!you?! (They’re (They’re unseen unseen as CLARABELLas CLARABELL and and ORDERLIES ORDERLIES ENTER ENTER RIGHT. Each ORDERLY carries a huge butterfly net.) ELEANORELEANOR: Is: that Is that what what they they teach teach you you these these days days in school? in school? RIGHT. Each ORDERLY carries a huge butterfly net.) : Fiddledeedee! It sure is about time! JUDEJUDE: I learned: I learned that that for myfor myresearch research paper. paper. CLARABELLCLARABELL: Fiddledeedee! It sure is about time! 15 ORDERLY15 ONE: We: We had had to get to getsomething something to eat. to eat. 15 ELEANOR15 ELEANOR: What’s: What’s your your topic, topic, Jude? Jude? ORDERLY ONE : And the pizzas took extra time. JUDEJUDE: The: The presidential presidential election election of 1920. of 1920. Or maybeOr maybe it’s it’slike like 1927. 1927. ORDERLYORDERLY TWO TWO: And the pizzas took extra time. : Yeah… we ordered extra cheese, extra pepperoni LIZZIELIZZIE: I’ve: I’ve got gotto go. to go.See See you you tomorrow, tomorrow, Miss Miss Digby. Digby. Bye, Bye, guys! guys! See See ORDERLYORDERLY ONE ONE: Yeah… we ordered extra cheese, extra pepperoni youyou at school! at school! andand extra extra onions. onions. : All right! You’re here now, so we’ve got to find my ELEANORELEANOR: Hope: Hope Austin’s Austin’s feeling feeling better. better. CLARABELLCLARABELL: All right! You’re here now, so we’ve got to find my 20 20 brotherbrother and and hog-tie hog-tie him him in a in straitjacket. a straitjacket. 20 HILLARY20 HILLARY: Bye,: Bye, Lizzie! Lizzie! (LIZZIE (LIZZIE EXITS EXITS RIGHT.) RIGHT.) ORDERLYORDERLY TWO TWO: Gotcha.: Gotcha. ELEANORELEANOR: Michelle,: Michelle, this this place place hasn’t hasn’t had had a going a going over over like like that that since since our ourlast last health health inspection. inspection. ORDERLYORDERLY ONE ONE: So,: So, where where is he? is he? : You can’t catch him with those things. MICHELLEMICHELLE: I can’t: I can’t help help it! I it!never I never realized realized how how important important this this place place is is CLARABELLCLARABELL: You can’t catch him with those things. to myto mylife! life! I mean, I mean, I was I was practically practically born born here! here! ORDERLYORDERLY TWO TWO: Oh,: Oh, no! no!We We just just like like butterflies, butterflies, and andif weif seewe seeany any pretty ones, we catch ’em. 25 JUDE25 JUDE: Whoa!: Whoa! Weren’t Weren’t you, you, like, like, born born in a in hospital? a hospital? I mean, I mean, isn’t isn’t that that 25 25 pretty ones, we catch ’em. wherewhere babies babies come come from? from? CLARABELLCLARABELL: Look,: Look, let’s let’s break break up andup and search search this this place. place. He’s He’s gotta gotta be here somewhere! MICHELLEMICHELLE: I was: I was speaking speaking metaphorically. metaphorically. be here somewhere! : (Jumps up from behind the desk. ELEANOR rises JUDEJUDE: Are: Are you you taking taking that that for afor cold a cold or something? or something? SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: (Jumps up from behind the desk. ELEANOR rises also,also, but butsneaks sneaks OFF OFF CENTER.) CENTER.) Why, Why, you you no-good no-good dirty dirty rat! rat! HILLARYHILLARY: What: What are areyou you talking talking about, about, Michelle? Michelle? 30 CLARABELL30 CLARABELL: That’s: That’s him! him! 30 MICHELLE30 MICHELLE: My: Myname name is Michelle. is Michelle. Michelle, Michelle, ma mabelle! belle! ORDERLYORDERLY ONE ONE: All: right,All right, mister— mister— BRENDABRENDA: (Sings.): (Sings.) “These “These are are words words that that go gotogether together well…. well…. My MyMichelle.” Michelle.” ORDERLYORDERLY TWO TWO: Take: Take it slow it slow and and easy! easy! : She’s the crazy one! She’s the one you’re supposed MICHELLEMICHELLE: And: And my mymother mother named named me meMichelle Michelle because because they they loved loved SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: She’s the crazy one! She’s the one you’re supposed thatthat . song. And And guess guess what? what? Today Today I found I found out outthe theBeatles Beatles stayed stayed to pickto pick up! up! 35 35 here!here! Right Right in this in this very very hotel! hotel! 35 CLARABELL35 CLARABELL: : I am I am not! not! Do Do I look I look like like I’m I’m crazy? crazy? (ELEANOR (ELEANOR pushes JUDE—now wearing a suit, a beard and mustache—ON HILLARYHILLARY: What?: What? pushes JUDE—now wearing a suit, a beard and mustache—ON CENTER.CENTER. JUDE JUDE holds holds a pencil a pencil and and notebook notebook and and speaks speaks with with a a : Look,: Look, there’d there’d be be a plaque a plaque outside outside or somethingor something if if BRENDABRENDA horriblehorrible German German accent.) accent.) theythey did. did. JUDEJUDE: Ya,: Ya,you you iz crazy! iz crazy! JUDEJUDE: Yeah,: Yeah, the theBeatles, Beatles, like, like, slept slept here. here.

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1 MAGGIE1 MAGGIE: To: Tothink! think! Ringo Ringo probably probably stood stood right right where where I’m I’m standing standing 1 LIZZIE1 LIZZIE: I work: I work here. here. I clean I clean the therooms. rooms. now!now! It feels It feels like like yesterday. yesterday. GOODEGOODE: Oh,: Oh, you you do, do,do you?do you? Can Can you you prove prove that? that? SALLYSALLY: And: And George George sat satin thisin this chair! chair! (Sits (Sits in chair.)in chair.) I can I can feel feel LIZZIELIZZIE: What?: What? his karma! his karma! GOODEGOODE: Why: Why should should I take I take your your word word for it?for it? 5 LUCY5 : (Grabs: (Grabs flowers flowers or fruitor fruit from from table table UP UPRIGHT RIGHT and and thrusts thrusts it at it at LUCY 5 LIZZIE5 LIZZIE: Detective,: Detective, I’m I’mjust just trying trying to help! to help! (Bursts (Bursts into into tears, tears, her herhands hands ELEANOR.)ELEANOR.) Here! Here! We We don’t don’t need need this! this! (The (The OTHERS OTHERS are arenow now still stillin the in theair.) air.) helpinghelping clear clear the thetable, table, although although SALLY SALLY lingers lingers in the in thechair.) chair.) GOODEGOODE: Yeeesh!: Yeeesh! I need I need a carrot! a carrot! (Pops (Pops a carrot a carrot in hisin hismouth mouth like like HONEYHONEY: (To: (ToELEANOR.) ELEANOR.) We’re We’re just just going going to setto setup ourup ourshrine! shrine! You You a cigarettea cigarette and and munches munches on onit.) it.) So So you you know know something, something, ha? ha? don’tdon’t mind, mind, do you?do you? (LIZZIE(LIZZIE shakes shakes her herhead head “no”.) “no”.) If you If you don’t don’t know know somethin’, somethin’, what what 10 10 ELEANORELEANOR: Shrine?: Shrine? 10 10 goodgood are areyou? you? JULIAJULIA: To: theTo theBeatles! Beatles! It’s It’sthe thefocus focus of our of ourobservance. observance. LIZZIELIZZIE: I…: I…I found I found something. something. ELEANORELEANOR: (Bewildered.): (Bewildered.) No… No… I don’t I don’t mind. mind. I don’t I don’t think think I mind. I mind. GOODEGOODE: Oh,: Oh, you you did, did, did didyou? you? Go ahead. Have at it… (Each FAN now pulls an item from her Go ahead. Have at it… (Each FAN now pulls an item from her LIZZIELIZZIE: Before: Before I noticed I noticed the thethings things on onthe thetable table were were gone, gone, I found I found suitcasesuitcase which which she she places places with with great great reverence reverence on theon thetable.) table.) these!these! (Waves (Waves the theplastic plastic bag.) bag.) 15 15 : Here it is! The kite! MAGGIEMAGGIE: Here it is! The kite! 15 GOODE15 GOODE: (Attempts: (Attempts to grabto grab it, butit, butcan’t can’t quite quite reach reach it.) it.)All Allright, right, ELEANORELEANOR: What: What kite? kite? sister,sister, drop drop your your arms… arms… real real slow! slow! (LIZZIE (LIZZIE drops drops them them quickly.) quickly.) MAGGIEMAGGIE: What: What kite? kite? What What kite? kite? Oh, Oh, my mygoodness! goodness! (The (The FANS FANS chime chime I saidI said slow! slow! (LIZZIE (LIZZIE raises raises her her arms, arms, then then lowers lowers them them slowly.) slowly.) in veryin very badly badly with with one one line line from from the thesong.) song.) “For “For the thebenefit benefit of Mr.of Mr. That’sThat’s better. better. (Snatches (Snatches the thebag bag and and looks looks at it.)at it.) I don’t I don’t see see Kite,Kite, there there will willbe abe show a show tonight.” tonight.” nothin’nothin’ in there! in there! 20 ELEANOR20 ELEANOR: (Waves: (Waves them them off.) off.) Oh, Oh, that that kite! kite! 20 LIZZIE20 LIZZIE: There’s: There’s a long a long hair hair that that doesn’t doesn’t feel feel human. human. And And there’s there’s a bit a bit MAGGIEMAGGIE: I’d: I’dhave have brought brought the the trampoline, trampoline, but but it wouldn’t it wouldn’t fit infit in of stageof stage makeup makeup at the at thebase base of the of thehair. hair. my mysuitcase. suitcase. GOODEGOODE: What: What do youdo you do, do,sit aroundsit around and and watch watch CSI CSI 24/7? 24/7? SALLYSALLY: Actually: Actually that that is the is thevery very kite kite that that inspired inspired the thesong! song! It came It came LIZZIELIZZIE: I thought: I thought it might it might be abe clue. a clue. fromfrom a recording a studio where… where… (With (With great great reverence.) reverence.) …they …they GOODEGOODE: Not: Not as goodas good as this!as this! (Holds (Holds up aup Tootsie a Tootsie Pop Pop wrapper.) wrapper.) 25 were recording at the time. 25 were recording at the time. 25 LIZZIE25 LIZZIE: A :Tootsie A Tootsie Pop Pop wrapper? wrapper? : And look at these! They’re the very keys to the car Paul HONEYHONEY: And look at these! They’re the very keys to the car Paul GOODEGOODE: Left: Left right right by theby thetable. table. ownedowned when when he wrotehe wrote “Drive “Drive My MyCar”! Car”! LIZZIELIZZIE: But: But you you shouldn’t shouldn’t be betouching touching it. Itit. might It might have have fingerprints fingerprints ELEANORELEANOR: The: The very very keys. keys. on it.on it. : (Sings badly.) Baby, you can drive my car, yes, I’m gonna HONEYHONEY: (Sings badly.) Baby, you can drive my car, yes, I’m gonna GOODEGOODE: Oh,: Oh, a smart a smart dame, dame, ha? ha? Well, Well, I’m I’min charge in charge of this of this case, case, so so 30 30 be abe star! a star! 30 30 don’tdon’t you you forget forget it! Now, it! Now, scram! scram! (LIZZIE, (LIZZIE, bursting bursting into into tears, tears, races races ELEANORELEANOR: What: What kind kind of a of car a carwas was it? it? OFFOFF CENTER CENTER as CLARABELLas CLARABELL ENTERS ENTERS RIGHT.) RIGHT.) HONEYHONEY: Well,: Well, a love a love bug, bug, of course. of course. CLARABELLCLARABELL: Why,: Why, fiddledeedee! fiddledeedee! JULIAJULIA: And: And lookie lookie here! here! (Dons (Dons a paira pair of 60sof 60s wire wire rimmed, rimmed, tinted tinted GOODEGOODE: Well,: Well, if it ifain’t it ain’t Scarlett Scarlett O’Hara. O’Hara. glasses.) glasses.) CLARABELLCLARABELL: I hear: I hear tell tellsomebody somebody robbed robbed the thehotel hotel last last night! night! 35 ELEANOR35 : Let: Let me me guess! guess! Yoko Yoko Ono’s Ono’s sunglasses! sunglasses! (The (The FANS FANS ELEANOR 35 GOODE35 GOODE: So: Sowhat’s what’s it to it you? to you? gasp.)gasp.) CLARABELLCLARABELL: I own: I own half half of this of this place, place, sugar. sugar. JULIAJULIA: (With: (With anger.) anger.) Yoko Yoko Ono! Ono! John John Lennon’s Lennon’s wife wife who who practically practically : Hey,: Hey, I’m I’msweet, sweet, but butdon’t don’t call call me mesugar! sugar! brokebroke the theBeatles Beatles up! up! GOODEGOODE CLARABELLCLARABELL: I’ll: keepI’ll keep that that in mind.in mind. My Myname’s name’s Clarabell Clarabell Little. Little. My My LUCYLUCY: Do: Donot notspeak speak her hername name in the in thepresence presence of these of these sacred sacred objects! objects! card.card. (Hands (Hands GOODE GOODE her hercard.) card.) 40 40

18 18 31 31 RIGHTSRIGHTS MUST MUST BE PURCHASEDBE PURCHASED BEFORE BEFORE REPRODUCING REPRODUCING THIS THIS SCRIPT SCRIPT 1 1 Lizzie.Lizzie. We’ve We’ve got gotto maketo make sure sure it’s it’sperfect perfect for forwhoever whoever wins wins 1 ELEANOR1 ELEANOR: (Terrified.): (Terrified.) How… How… how’d how’d you you find find this thisout, out,Michelle? Michelle? the theraffle. raffle. MICHELLEMICHELLE: It :was It was in an in oldan oldcopy copy of the of thepaper. paper. On Onthe thesociety society page page LIZZIELIZZIE: I cleaned: I cleaned it this it thismorning. morning. (Quotes,(Quotes, dreamily.) dreamily.) “What “What Fab Fab Foursome Foursome is rumored is rumored to have to have MICHELLEMICHELLE: (Insists.): (Insists.) But Butit’s probablyit’s probably dusty dusty by now!by now! C’mon! C’mon! (She, (She, spentspent the thenight night at the at thePenny Penny Lane Lane Hotel Hotel after after their their tour tour bus bus broke broke 5 5 LIZZIE,LIZZIE, BRENDA BRENDA and and HILLARY HILLARY EXIT EXIT CENTER.) CENTER.) 5 5 downdown just justoutside outside of town?” of town?” CLARABELLCLARABELL: (Pulls: (Pulls out outher hercell cellphone phone and and dials.) dials.) Happy Happy Acres? Acres? HILLARYHILLARY: The: The Fab Fab Four? Four? ThisThis is Clarabell is Clarabell Little. Little. Do Doyou you have have a couple a couple of orderlies of orderlies on theon the JUDEJUDE: I thought: I thought it was, it was, like, like, the theFab Fab Five! Five! wayway to the to thePenny Penny Lane Lane Hotel? Hotel? Yes, Yes, Doctor Doctor Robert. Robert. Well, Well, where where ELEANORELEANOR: In: 1964 In 1964 there there were were only only four four of them: of them: John, John, Paul, Paul, in tarnationin tarnation are arethey? they? All right…All right… all right!all right! But Buttell tellthem them to getto geta a George,George, and— and— 10 wiggle on! I’ll be waiting for them outside! I don’t want any slipups! 10 wiggle on! I’ll be waiting for them outside! I don’t want any slipups! 10 MICHELLE/BRENDA/HILLARY10 MICHELLE/BRENDA/HILLARY: Ringo!: Ringo! (Snaps(Snaps the thephone phone shut shut and and EXITS EXITS RIGHT.) RIGHT.) MICHELLEMICHELLE: Did: Didthey they really really stay stay here, here, Miss Miss Digby? Digby? MINXMINX: (Rises: (Rises from from BEHIND BEHIND desk, desk, duct duct tape tape all over all over her.) her.) Mr. Mr.Mustard! Mustard! ELEANOR: (Flustered.): (Flustered.) How… How… how how would would I know? I know? I was I was just justa kid! a kid! Mr. Mr. Mustard! Mustard! Help! Help! (EXITS (EXITS CENTER. CENTER. A momentA moment later, later, SGT. SGT. ELEANOR PAPRIKAPAPRIKA sneaks sneaks ON ONLEFT. LEFT. He Hegoes goes BEHIND BEHIND desk desk and and begins begins MICHELLEMICHELLE: Were: Were you you one one of theof thekids kids who who stole stole the theashtrays ashtrays and and towels and soap and went through the garbage out back the next 15 15 riflingrifling through through the thekeys. keys. He findsHe finds the thekey ringkey ring and isand aboutis about to EXITto EXIT towels and soap and went through the garbage out back the next CENTERCENTER when when ELEANOR ELEANOR ENTERS ENTERS CENTER.) CENTER.) 15 15 morningmorning after after word word got gotout? out? SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: (Caught.): (Caught.) Uh oh!Uh oh! ELEANORELEANOR: (Incensed.): (Incensed.) Certainly Certainly not! not! (Smiling (Smiling at the at thememory.) memory.) I… I…I I just justtook took a loose a loose brick brick from from the thecorner corner of the of thebuilding. building. ELEANORELEANOR: What: What are areyou you up to?up to? BRENDABRENDA: Then: Then they they were were here! here! SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Reconnaissance: Reconnaissance mission! mission! ELEANORELEANOR: (Quick.): (Quick.) I didn’t I didn’t say saythat! that! I only I only said said I took I took a brick. a brick. Now, Now, 20 ELEANOR20 ELEANOR: Forget: Forget it. I it.already I already searched searched every every room. room. 20 20 whywhy don’t don’t you you go togo the to theBurger Burger Barn— Barn— SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Nothing?: Nothing? HILLARYHILLARY: Yeah…: Yeah… we’ve we’ve got got to come to come up upwith with a service a service learning learning : Nothing. ELEANORELEANOR: Nothing. projectproject for sociologyfor sociology class class by tomorrow,by tomorrow, guys. guys. SGT. PAPRIKA: (Sits forlornly in chair.) I’m just gonna give myself SGT. PAPRIKA: (Sits forlornly in chair.) I’m just gonna give myself JUDEJUDE: We: Weought ought to do, to do,like, like, my myidea! idea! It’s totallyIt’s totally rad! rad! up, up,then. then. BRENDABRENDA: The: The town town does does not not need need an eighteen an eighteen foot foot tall tall statue statue of of 25 25 ELEANOR: You: You didn’t didn’t do anything,do anything, Sgt. Sgt. Paprika! Paprika! You You can’t can’t just just ELEANOR 25 25 DarthDarth Vader Vader in City in City Park. Park. cavecave in! in! HILLARYHILLARY: We’ve: We’ve got gotto come to come up with up with something something that that will willhelp help people, people, : It’s no good, Miss Digby. Nobody’ll believe me. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: It’s no good, Miss Digby. Nobody’ll believe me. not notscare scare them them away. away. ELEANOR: I believe you. ELEANOR: I believe you. BRENDABRENDA: Yeah,: Yeah, like likebuy buy coats coats for kidsfor kids for thefor thewinter. winter. SGT. PAPRIKA: Yeah, but you’re you. SGT. PAPRIKA: Yeah, but you’re you. HILLARYHILLARY: Or: paintOr paint somebody’s somebody’s house. house. 30 ELEANOR30 ELEANOR: What: What does does that that mean? mean? 30 JUDE30 JUDE: Yeah!: Yeah! With, With, like, like, a couple a couple of skater-dudes of skater-dudes doing doing a 180 a 180 off off SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: You’d: You’d believe believe me meif I saidif I said the thesky’s sky’s purple. purple. a mountaina mountain top! top! (HILLARY (HILLARY and and BRENDA BRENDA look look at JUDEat JUDE like like ELEANORELEANOR: I don’t: I don’t know know about about that. that. he’she’s nuts.) nuts.) SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: You: You even even believed believed me me when when I told I told you you you you MICHELLEMICHELLE: What: What about about the thehospital? hospital? werewere fired. fired. JUDEJUDE: Skater-dudes: Skater-dudes on theon the hospital? hospital? It might, It might, like, like, totally totally remind remind 35 ELEANOR35 ELEANOR: Wasn’t: Wasn’t I? I? 35 35 themthem how how they they got gotinto into the thehospital! hospital! SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Of: courseOf course you’re you’re not notfired. fired. I could I could begin begin to— to— MICHELLEMICHELLE: No!: No!Lizzie Lizzie just justsaid said the thehospital hospital doesn’t doesn’t have have anything anything to to ELEANORELEANOR: Begin: Begin to what? to what? amuseamuse the thekids. kids. What What if we if startwe start a campaign a campaign to get to getgames, games, video video games, a library of movies and books… coloring books… and all SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Well,: Well, I could I could begin begin to… to… run runthis thisplace place without without you. you. games, a library of movies and books… coloring books… and all kindskinds of fun of funthings things for kidsfor kids to do to whiledo while they’re they’re in the in thehospita hospital? l? ELEANORELEANOR: (Disappointed.): (Disappointed.) Is that Is that all? all? 40 ELEANOR40 ELEANOR: That’s: That’s a wonderful a wonderful idea, idea, Michelle. Michelle.

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1 LUCY1 LUCY: Don’t: Don’t worry, worry, Maggie. Maggie. I believe I believe in yesterday. in yesterday. 1 ELEANOR1 ELEANOR: Oh,: Oh, I just I justthought— thought— FANSFANS: (Singing,: (Singing, flatly flatly as theyas they EXIT.) EXIT.) Yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah. LUCYLUCY: Well,: Well, she she broke broke up theup theBeatles! Beatles! GOODEGOODE: Did: Didthat that dame dame call callme mea Smurf? a Smurf? I don’t I don’t like likebeing being called called a a JULIAJULIA: First: First there there was was the theAlamo. Alamo. Smurf.Smurf. Especially Especially by aby dame. a dame. So, So,Grandpa, Grandpa, you you were were sleepin’ sleepin’ in in SALLYSALLY: Then: Then there there was was Pearl Pearl Harbor. Harbor. 5 5 this thischair chair last lastnight, night, right? right? 5 HONEY5 HONEY: And: And then—Yoko then—Yoko Ono! Ono! SGT. PAPRIKA: That chair. (Points to chair he was in when awakened SGT. PAPRIKA: That chair. (Points to chair he was in when awakened ELEANORELEANOR: So: whoseSo whose specs specs are arethose? those? in thein theprevious previous scene.) scene.) JULIAJULIA: George’s!: George’s! He hadHe had these these on whenon when he sawhe saw her herstanding standing there. there. GOODEGOODE: That: That chair? chair? How How come? come? ELEANORELEANOR: Saw: Saw who? who? (The (The FANS FANS launch launch into into a bar a baror two or twoof “I of Saw “I Saw : I wanted to keep my eye on the shrine. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: I wanted to keep my eye on the shrine. HerHer Standing Standing There.”) There.”) Oh, Oh, I get I getthe thepicture. picture. 10 10 GOODE: The: The shrine? shrine? A lot A oflot good of good it did. it did. GOODE 10 SALLY10 SALLY: And: And I have I have a hanky. a hanky. Paul’s Paul’s hanky… hanky… his tearshis tears are aredried dried into into it it SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: I told: I told you. you. I fell I asleep.fell asleep. The The items items were were stolen stolen while while fromfrom when when they they wrote wrote “Cry, “Cry, Baby, Baby, Cry.” Cry.” (Holds (Holds up hanky.up hanky.) ) I was sleepin’. I was sleepin’. ELEANORELEANOR: That: That could could use use a good a good washing. washing. (FANS (FANS gasp.) gasp.) I guess I guess GOODEGOODE: Yeah,: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah. But But what what I don’t I don’t get get is why is why anybody anybody not,not, hmmmm? hmmmm? would steal that junk. You and I know them longhaired hippies would steal that junk. You and I know them longhaired hippies LUCYLUCY: And: And I have I have the the piece piece of resistance! of resistance! (Holds (Holds up aup train a train or or 15 15 never owned any of that stuff. never owned any of that stuff. 15 15 planeplane ticket.) ticket.) SGT. PAPRIKA: (Warily.) I don’t know, Detective. I don’t know nothin’. SGT. PAPRIKA: (Warily.) I don’t know, Detective. I don’t know nothin’. ELEANORELEANOR: That: That looks looks like likea ticket. a ticket. (EXITS(EXITS CENTER, CENTER, pausing pausing to look to look at the at theentryway entryway as if as seeing if seeing the the LUCY: It :is! It For is! Forthe theMagical Magical Mystery Mystery Tour! Tour! ghostsghosts again.) again.) LUCY ELEANORELEANOR: I thought: I thought that that was was just justa metaphor. a metaphor. GOODEGOODE: What’s: What’s the the matter, matter, Pop? Pop? See See a ghost? a ghost? (SGT. (SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA 20 20 EXITSEXITS CENTER CENTER as GOODEas GOODE moves moves to tapedto taped area area and and bends bends LUCYLUCY: It’s: gotIt’s gotJohn John Lennon’s Lennon’s initials initials on theon theback! back! (Flashes (Flashes the theticket ticket overover looking looking at the at thefloor floor carefully. carefully. LIZZIE LIZZIE ENTERS ENTERS DOWN DOWN LEFT, LEFT, 20 20 in frontin front of ELEANOR.) of ELEANOR.) carryingcarrying a plastic a plastic bag. bag. She She moves moves to GOODEto GOODE who who is still is stillbent bent ELEANORELEANOR: How: How about about that! that! overover and and taps taps him him on theon theshoulder. shoulder. He Hescreams screams and and stands stands up. up. LUCYLUCY: And: And we’ve we’ve got gota few a fewother other items items as well.as well. He pullsHe pulls out outa carrot a carrot as if as it wereif it were a revolver.) a revolver.) Back Back off oroff you’ll or you’ll end end MAGGIEMAGGIE: (Holds: (Holds up aup jar a ofjar mustard.) of mustard.) The The jar ofjar mustard of mustard when when they they 25 25 up fullup fullof more of more holes holes than than a doughnut! a doughnut! (LIZZIE (LIZZIE bursts bursts into into tears, tears, wrotewrote “Mean “Mean Mr. Mr.Mustard.” Mustard.” throwsthrows her herhands hands up inup the in theair. air.GOODE GOODE realizes realizes he’s he’s only only got gota a 25 ELEANOR25 ELEANOR: You: You mean mean to tell to metell methat’s that’s a jar a ofjar mustard of mustard that’s that’s over over 40 40 carrotcarrot in his in hishand. hand. He Hepockets pockets it, embarrassed.) it, embarrassed.) Don’t Don’t you you know know yearsyears old? old? betterbetter than than scarin’ scarin’ people people like likethat? that? MAGGIE:MAGGIE: It could It could be. be.(Looks (Looks inside.) inside.) Well, Well, there there isn’t isn’t any any mold. mold. But But LIZZIELIZZIE: I’m…: I’m… I’m I’msorry… sorry… general. general. it couldit could be! be! 30 GOODE30 GOODE: Detective.: Detective. Detective Detective Johnny Johnny B. Goode. B. Goode. I’m I’mon theon thecase. case. HONEYHONEY: (Holds: (Holds up aup rubber a rubber snake.) snake.) The The snake snake that that inspired inspired “Hippy, “Hippy, LIZZIELIZZIE: I…: I… foundI… found something. something. 30 30 HippyHippy Snake.” Snake.” GOODEGOODE: Oh,: Oh, you you did, did, did didyou? you? ELEANORELEANOR: We: Wedon’t don’t allow allow snakes snakes in the in thebuilding. building. LIZZIELIZZIE: Yes,: Yes, sir. Rightsir. Right before before you you arrived. arrived. HONEYHONEY: Oh,: Oh, this thisone one won’t won’t go anywhere,go anywhere, and and he doesn’the doesn’t eat eatmuch much GOODEGOODE: Name?: Name? (Writes (Writes in his in notebook.)his notebook.) at all.at all. 35 LIZZIE35 LIZZIE: Lizzie: Lizzie Belmont. Belmont. JULIAJULIA: :(Holds (Holds up upa piecea piece of wood.)of wood.) Here’s Here’s a souvenir a souvenir of of GOODEGOODE: Address?: Address? 35 35 “Norwegian“Norwegian Wood.” Wood.” LIZZIELIZZIE: 812: 812West West Kramer Kramer Avenue. Avenue. ELEANORELEANOR: What’s: What’s “Norwegian “Norwegian wood?” wood?” GOODEGOODE: Age?: Age? JULIAJULIA: A :piece A piece of wood of wood from from Norway. Norway. LIZZIELIZZIE: 18.: 18. SALLYSALLY: (Holds: (Holds up aup map.) a map.) I’ve I’vegot gota map a map of Strawberry of Strawberry Fields. Fields. 40 GOODE40 GOODE: So: whatSo what are areyou you doing doing here, here, Ms. Ms. Belmont? Belmont? ELEANORELEANOR: (Dry.): (Dry.) Nothing Nothing to get to gethung hung about. about.

30 30 19 19 RIGHTSRIGHTS MUST MUST BE PURCHASED BE PURCHASED BEFORE BEFORE REPRODUCING REPRODUCING THIS THIS SCRIPT SCRIPT 1 HILLARY1 HILLARY: Mrs.: Mrs. Drabslip Drabslip will willlove love it! it! 1 GOODE1 GOODE: : If you If you must must know… know… yeah! yeah! A three A three hundred hundred pound pound BRENDABRENDA: She’s: She’s always always talking talking about about her heraches aches and and pains, pains, so it’llso beit’ll be rottweiler!rottweiler! rightright up herup heralley. alley. BRENDABRENDA: What: What happened happened to the to thedog? dog? JUDEJUDE: And: And we wecan, can, like, like, build build a half a half pipe pipe right right in thein themiddle middle of of GOODEGOODE: You: You know know what what they they say… say… all dogsall dogs go togo heaven. to heaven. Now… Now… I I 5 5 the thehall! hall! 5 5 gottagotta get getan aspirinan aspirin and and then then figure figure out outhow howto getto getPaprika Paprika to admitto admit MICHELLEMICHELLE: Hey,: Hey, Jude. Jude. Don’t Don’t make make it bad. it bad. We We want want them them to get to get he swipedhe swiped these these things. things. better,better, not notbreak break their their necks. necks. MICHELLEMICHELLE: Wouldn’t: Wouldn’t you you like liketo buy to buy a raffle a raffle ticket ticket first? first? HILLARYHILLARY: How: How are arewe wegoing going to raise to raise the themoney? money? GOODEGOODE: What: What do Ido win? I win? BRENDABRENDA: I know!: I know! A spaghetti A spaghetti dinner! dinner! HILLARYHILLARY: You: You get get to spend to spend a night a night in Room in Room 8 of 8 the of the Penny Penny 10 HILLARY10 HILLARY: Forget: Forget it! I’ve it! I’ve tasted tasted your your spaghetti! spaghetti! 10 10 LaneLane Hotel. Hotel. ELEANORELEANOR: I have: I have an idea.an idea. What What about about a raffle? a raffle? BRENDABRENDA: The: The room room where where the theBeatles Beatles slept! slept! MICHELLEMICHELLE: That’s: That’s perfect! perfect! We Wecan can get getbusinesses businesses to donateto donate stuff, stuff, GOODEGOODE: No: Nokiddin’? kiddin’? Sure… Sure… give give me mea ticket. a ticket. andand nobody’s nobody’s going going to say to say no tono sick to sick little little kids! kids! MICHELLEMICHELLE: They’re: They’re a dollar a dollar each each or four or four for fivefor five dollars. dollars. ELEANORELEANOR: Even: Even Captain Captain Crabby! Crabby! GOODEGOODE: When: When you you put putit like it likethat, that, I’ll take I’ll take four! four! 15 BRENDA15 BRENDA: I guess: I guess he won’the won’t be muchbe much help. help. 15 CLARABELL15 CLARABELL: Me,: Me, too! too! I never I never pass pass up upa bargain. a bargain. (GOODE (GOODE and and ELEANORELEANOR: Of: courseOf course he hewill! will! You You can can count count on onthe the Penny Penny Lane Lane CLARABELLCLARABELL pay pay MICHELLE. MICHELLE. GOODE GOODE EXITS EXITS DOWN DOWN LEFT. LEFT. HotelHotel to donateto donate a room a room for forthe thenight. night. Our Our best best room! room! And And get geta a CLARABELLCLARABELL moves moves RIGHT.) RIGHT.) Any Any of you of you seen seen Doctor Doctor Robert? Robert? restaurantrestaurant to kick to kick in a in meal, a meal, and and you you can can call callthe thegrand grand prize prize “A “A HILLARYHILLARY: Why,: Why, no. no. NightNight on theon theTown.” Town.” MICHELLEMICHELLE: Let’s: Let’s get get this this money money in the in the safe safe with with the the rest. rest. (She, (She, 20 MICHELLE20 MICHELLE: Oh,: Oh, Miss Miss Digby, Digby, that’s that’s perfect! perfect! 20 20 HILLARY,HILLARY, LIZZIE LIZZIE and and BRENDA BRENDA move move to hotelto hotel desk. desk. MICHELLE MICHELLE ELEANORELEANOR: (Picks: (Picks up broomup broom BEHIND BEHIND desk.) desk.) Now, Now, I’ve I’ve got gotto sweep to sweep putsputs the themoney money in the in thesafe safe (unseen). (unseen). Suddenly Suddenly we hearwe hear screaming screaming up theup thehall. hall. OFFOFF CENTER. CENTER. LUCY, LUCY, HONEY, HONEY, JULIA, JULIA, SALLY SALLY and and MAGGIE MAGGIE race race ON CENTER. GIRLS move from behind desk. During the next HILLARYHILLARY: Thanks: Thanks for thefor theideas, ideas, Miss Miss Digby! Digby! ON CENTER. GIRLS move from behind desk. During the next dialogue,dialogue, MINX MINX ENTERS ENTERS CENTER, CENTER, unseen, unseen, and and ducks ducks behind behind ELEANORELEANOR: I’ll: even I’ll even buy buy some some tickets tickets from from you. you. I could I could use use a night a night on on 25 25 the thedesk. desk. She She carries carries a roll a rollof duct of duct tape tape with with her.) her.) 25 25 the thetown! town! (EXITS (EXITS LEFT.) LEFT.) LUCYLUCY: Where: Where are arethey? they? HILLARYHILLARY: Gosh!: Gosh! We’ve We’ve got gotour ouridea idea all takenall taken care care of, soof, Iso guess I guess we we : Did they come in here? don’tdon’t have have to go to togo Burger to Burger Barn. Barn. HONEYHONEY: Did they come in here? LIZZIE: Who? JUDEJUDE: What?: What? Like, Like, I am I amtotally totally famished. famished. LIZZIE: Who? FANS: Them! BRENDABRENDA: And: And we’ve we’ve still stillgot gota lot a oflot details of details to work to work out. out. FANS: Them! 30 30 MICHELLE: The: The Beatles? Beatles? No… No… we wehaven’t haven’t seen seen them. them. 30 MICHELLE30 MICHELLE: Yeah…: Yeah… it won’t it won’t be easybe easy raising raising a thousand a thousand dollars. dollars. MICHELLE SALLY: But they were in the hall upstairs! JUDEJUDE: Whoa!: Whoa! Like Like a grand? a grand? I thought I thought we wewere were gonna, gonna, like, like, chip chip in in SALLY: But they were in the hall upstairs! somesome change! change! MAGGIEMAGGIE: Looking: Looking so fine!so fine! (FANS (FANS scream.) scream.) MICHELLEMICHELLE: If :we’re If we’re going going to do to this,do this, we’ve we’ve got gotto do to itdo right! it right! JULIAJULIA: Maybe: Maybe they’re they’re outside! outside! HILLARYHILLARY: We: Weneed need a gimmick… a gimmick… something something that that will willreally really sell sellthe the MICHELLEMICHELLE: That’s: That’s right! right! I thought I thought I heard I heard someone someone singing singing out outthere. there. 35 35 tickets.tickets. (SOUND (SOUND EFFECT: EFFECT: PHONE PHONE RINGS.) RINGS.) 35 BRENDA35 BRENDA: It’s: beenIt’s been a hard a hard day’s day’s night! night! BRENDABRENDA: Miss: Miss Digby! Digby! Miss Miss Digby! Digby! LIZZIELIZZIE: And: And they’ve they’ve been been working working like likedogs! dogs! (FANS (FANS scream scream and and race race JUDEJUDE: Maybe: Maybe they’re, they’re, like, like, screening screening their their calls. calls. OFFOFF RIGHT.) RIGHT.) MICHELLEMICHELLE: I’ll: answer I’ll answer it. (Picks it. (Picks up upphone.) phone.) Penny Penny Lane Lane Hotel, Hotel, MICHELLEMICHELLE: : Hey! Hey! (Noticing (Noticing CLARABELL CLARABELL is stillis stillin thein theroom, room, MichelleMichelle speaking. speaking. Oh? Oh? Yes, Yes, I’ve I’ve got gotit here. it here. Oh? Oh? Well, Well, I’m I’msure sure MICHELLEMICHELLE tries tries to cover.) to cover.) We’d We’d better better go upgo andup and clean clean Room Room 8, 8,

6 6 43 43 RIGHTSRIGHTS MUST MUST BE PURCHASEDBE PURCHASED BEFORE BEFORE REPRODUCING REPRODUCING THIS THIS SCRIPT SCRIPT For Preview Only

1 LUCY1 LUCY: (Reaches: (Reaches into into her hersuitcase.) suitcase.) And And look look what what I’ve I’ve got! got! (Pulls (Pulls 1 LUCY1 LUCY: Detective,: Detective, you you absolutely absolutely must must find find this this culprit culprit and andsend send him him out outa stuffed a stuffed teddy teddy bear.) bear.) You You know know what what this this means… means… I am I am to theto thechair! chair! the thewalrus! walrus! GOODEGOODE: So,: So,I’m I’mworkin’ workin’ on it.on it. SALLYSALLY: Wow!: Wow! LUCYLUCY: All: you’reAll you’re working working on ison crunching is crunching carrots! carrots! 5 ELEANOR5 ELEANOR: That’s: That’s a teddy a teddy bear! bear! 5 GOODE5 GOODE: Hey!: Hey! It takes It takes the theplace place of cigarettes,of cigarettes, and and it’s it’sa whole a whole LUCYLUCY: But: But it practically it practically looks looks like like a walrus! a walrus! (FANS (FANS scream. scream. The The lot healthier.lot healthier. “shrine”“shrine” is now is now complete, complete, and and fills fills the the table. table. LIZZIE LIZZIE ENTERS ENTERS HONEYHONEY: Well,: Well, you you look look more more like likeBugs Bugs Bunny Bunny than than Dick Dick Tracy. Tracy. CENTER with a box.) CENTER with a box.) GOODEGOODE: Look,: Look, ladies, ladies, maybe maybe I can’t I can’t think think with with a bunch a bunch of damesof dames ELEANORELEANOR: Ladies,: Ladies, why why don’t don’t you you come come over over and and check check in, thenin, then I’ll I’ll standin’standin’ around around cryin’ cryin’ like likethey they was was at a at funeral. a funeral. 10 10 showshow you you to your to your rooms. rooms. 10 SALLY10 SALLY: It :is It a is funeral! a funeral! LIZZIE: Miss Digby? LIZZIE: Miss Digby? MAGGIEMAGGIE: All: ourAll ourprecious precious mementos—gone! mementos—gone! ELEANOR: Yes, Lizzie? ELEANOR: Yes, Lizzie? GOODEGOODE: Yeah,: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah. We Wegot gotone one missing missing kite. kite. LIZZIE: I had to go upstairs to the storeroom and I found this box. It’s LIZZIE: I had to go upstairs to the storeroom and I found this box. It’s MAGGIEMAGGIE: Not: Not just just any any kite! kite! Mr. Mr.Kite’s Kite’s kite! kite! full fullof old of oldstuff stuff from from one one of the of therooms—pillows, rooms—pillows, ash ash trays, trays, towels, towels, GOODEGOODE: Can: Can you you describe describe Mr. Mr.Kite’s Kite’s kite? kite? 15 15 soapsoap and and stuff stuff like likethat. that. 15 MAGGIE15 MAGGIE: It’s…: It’s… it’s… it’s… too toopainful! painful! (Dissolves (Dissolves into into tears.) tears.) ELEANORELEANOR: What: What would would that that be doingbe doing upstairs? upstairs? We Weusually usually donate donate usedused linen linen to the— to the— (Pulls (Pulls out outtowel, towel, reads reads absently.) absently.) Cheerio, Cheerio, GOODEGOODE: Yeeeesh!: Yeeeesh! (To (ToHONEY.) HONEY.) You You said said you’re you’re missin’ missin’ car carkeys, keys, Mates!Mates! Love, Love, Ringo. Ringo. (FANS (FANS freeze, freeze, shocked.) shocked.) right,right, Toots? Toots? LUCYLUCY: Is: that— Is that— HONEYHONEY: Paul’s: Paul’s car carkeys! keys! 20 HONEY20 HONEY: An: authentic—An authentic— GOODEGOODE: How: How many? many? JULIAJULIA: Autograph?: Autograph? (FANS (FANS scream scream in delight. in delight. LIZZIE LIZZIE runs runs BEHIND BEHIND 20 HONEY20 HONEY: Three: Three and and they’re they’re on aon rainbow a rainbow key key ring. ring. chairchair and and hides, hides, still stillholding holding box box tightly.) tightly.) GOODEGOODE: Sounds: Sounds like likethey they belong belong to theto theWizard Wizard of Oz.of Oz. What What about about ELEANORELEANOR: It’s: It’sall right,all right, Lizzie. Lizzie. They They aren’t aren’t going going to hurt to hurt you. you. (FANS (FANS thesethese glasses? glasses? movemove in on in LIZZIEon LIZZIE like likezombies.) zombies.) JULIAJULIA: Wire: Wire rimmed, rimmed, tinted, tinted, adorable! adorable! (Bursts (Bursts into into tears.) tears.) 25 LIZZIE25 LIZZIE: Get: Get ’em ’em away! away! Get Get ’em ’em away away from from me! me! GOODEGOODE: I also: I also got gotone one snake snake on myon mylist. list. ELEANORELEANOR: Ladies!: Ladies! Back Back up, up,please! please! Act Actyour your ages! ages! 25 LUCY25 LUCY: Green,: Green, about about this this long, long, rubber. rubber. SALLYSALLY: Where: Where the theBeatles Beatles are areconcerned, concerned, I’m I’mfifteen fifteen again! again! GOODEGOODE: Look,: Look, lady, lady, none none of this of this stuff stuff sounds sounds like likeit’s worthit’s worth more more than than JULIAJULIA: What: What else else is in is that in that box? box? a couplea couple of bucks. of bucks. Why Why are areyou you makin’ makin’ a federal a federal case case out outof it? of it? LIZZIELIZZIE: I…: I…I told I told you… you… ashtrays… ashtrays… towels… towels… pillows… pillows… LUCYLUCY: This: This stuff, stuff, as youas you put putit, belonged it, belonged to the to theBeatles! Beatles! 30 ELEANOR30 ELEANOR: Are: Are they they signed? signed? GOODEGOODE: Them: Them longhaired longhaired hippies? hippies? LIZZIELIZZIE: They’re: They’re all scribbledall scribbled up. up. 30 HONEY30 HONEY: How: How dare dare you! you! ELEANORELEANOR: Let’s: Let’s just just put putthese these things things over over on theon thetable. table. They They belong belong SALLYSALLY: They’re: They’re giants giants of the of themusic music world! world! in thein theshrine. shrine. JULIAJULIA: (Indignantly.): (Indignantly.) But Butwe wecan’t can’t expect expect a Smurf a Smurf in this in this backwater backwater LIZZIELIZZIE: (Holds: (Holds out outbox.) box.) Then, Then, here, here, Miss Miss Digby! Digby! You You take take the thebox! box! I I policepolice department department to understand to understand that! that! 35 35 don’tdon’t want want it! it! MAGGIEMAGGIE: Ladies!: Ladies! We We can can do do no no more more here! here! We We adjourn adjourn to… to… ELEANORELEANOR: (Takes: (Takes box box as LIZZIEas LIZZIE runs runs OFF OFF LEFT. LEFT. ELEANOR ELEANOR places places 35 35 yesterday!yesterday! boxbox on ontable.) table.) Let Let me me show show you you to your to your rooms, rooms, ladies. ladies. Then Then LUCYLUCY: (As: (AsFANS FANS EXIT EXIT CENTER.) CENTER.) All ourAll our troubles troubles seemed seemed so far so far we’llwe’ll add add these these items items to the to theshrine. shrine. (Stands (Stands by theby thebox box near near the the away!away! CENTERCENTER ENTRANCE. ENTRANCE. The The WOMEN WOMEN each each grab grab a suitcase a suitcase and and MAGGIEMAGGIE: Now: Now it looks it looks as thoughas though they’re they’re far away.far away. 40 40 movemove to EXIT to EXIT CENTER. CENTER. As theyAs they each each pass pass box, box, they they try totry stick to stick

20 20 29 29 1 MICHELLE1 MICHELLE: It’s: onIt’s canvas…on canvas… and and this thisis oil is paint. oil paint. (BRENDA (BRENDA removes removes 1 1 we do.we do.Yes, Yes, we canwe can do that.do that. And, And, in fact, in fact, it will it willtie intie perfectly in perfectly with with a seconda second poster, poster, and and HILLARY HILLARY removes removes a third. a third. They They find find a charitya charity raffle raffle we’re we’re having. having. Yes… Yes… we’re we’re raising raising money money for thefor the paintingspaintings behind behind each.) each.) hospital.hospital. Yes, Yes, I will. I will. Thank Thank you. you. Good-bye! Good-bye! (Hangs (Hangs up, up,a look a look of of HILLARYHILLARY: Have: Have you you ever ever seen seen these these before, before, Lizzie? Lizzie? triumphtriumph on heron herface.) face.) 5 5 5 LIZZIE5 LIZZIE: Never!: Never! HILLARYHILLARY: Don’t: Don’t tell me…tell me… Bill BillGates Gates just justdonated donated a million a million dollars dollars to to our project, and we don’t have to do any work. MICHELLEMICHELLE: You…: You… you you think think maybe… maybe… Sgt. Sgt. Paprika’s Paprika’s an artan thief?art thief? our project, and we don’t have to do any work. : Totally rad! BRENDABRENDA: That’s: That’s crazy! crazy! JUDEJUDE: Totally rad! : Almost as good. That was a Ms. Lucy Lawson. She’s GOODEGOODE: (ENTERS: (ENTERS CENTER.) CENTER.) Hey! Hey! Any Any of you of you seen— seen— (Notices (Notices the the MICHELLEMICHELLE: Almost as good. That was a Ms. Lucy Lawson. She’s pictures.)pictures.) Well, Well, well, well, well, well, what’ve what’ve we wegot gothere? here? (Holds (Holds up “Theup “The presidentpresident of a of Beatles a Beatles fan fanclub club that’s that’s coming coming here here February February 18 for18 for 10 10 theirtheir annual annual meeting. meeting. 10 10 Scream.”)Scream.”) I got I gotone one of these of these that that you you can can blow blow up andup and punch! punch! : February 18? MICHELLEMICHELLE: (Nervous.): (Nervous.) Nice Nice copy, copy, isn’t isn’t it? Almost it? Almost looks looks real. real. BRENDABRENDA: February 18? : Valentine’s Day. GOODEGOODE: If :I didn’tIf I didn’t know know better, better, I’d sayI’d saythis thisis real! is real! JUDEJUDE: Valentine’s Day. : Valentine’s Day is February 14. BRENDABRENDA: Good: Good thing thing you you don’t don’t know know better. better. HILLARYHILLARY: Valentine’s Day is February 14. : Whoa! Like, that’s why my girlfriend’s always mad at me! GOODEGOODE: Hold: Hold on! on!These These are arereal! real! Where’d Where’d you you get get’em, ’em, girls? girls? JUDEJUDE: Whoa! Like, that’s why my girlfriend’s always mad at me! 15 MICHELLE15 : Ms.: Ms. Lawson Lawson said said February February 18 is 18 the is theday day the theBeatles Beatles first first 15 LIZZIE15 LIZZIE: A…: A… a man a man just justcame came by… by… selling selling them! them! MICHELLE appearedappeared on theon theEd SullivanEd Sullivan Show Show in 1964. in 1964. HILLARYHILLARY: He: saidHe said they they were were fine fine art prints.art prints. BRENDABRENDA: So?: So? GOODEGOODE: There: There wasn’t wasn’t no noman, man, and and these these ain’t ain’t no noprints. prints. Now, Now, where’dwhere’d you you get get ’em? ’em? (No (No response. response. CLARABELL CLARABELL ENTERS ENTERS MICHELLEMICHELLE: She: She wanted wanted to know to know if it’s if it’sall right all right if they if they bring bring their their LEFT.)LEFT.) Hmmmm… Hmmmm… hidden hidden behind behind the the posters. posters. Clever, Clever, Sgt. Sgt. BeatlesBeatles mementos mementos and and display display them them in the in thelobby. lobby. 20 20 20 Paprika.Paprika. Real Real clever! clever! But Butthis thisis the is thebig time.big time. International International art theft!art theft! HILLARY20 HILLARY: You: You said said yes. yes. OnceOnce Interpol Interpol gets gets through through with with you, you, there there won’t won’t be nothin’be nothin’ left butleft but MICHELLEMICHELLE: Of: courseOf course I said I said yes! yes! a Tootsiea Tootsie Pop Pop wrapper! wrapper! HILLARYHILLARY: Michelle,: Michelle, you you should should have have asked asked Sgt. Sgt. Paprika Paprika or Miss or Miss CLARABELLCLARABELL: Oh,: Oh, dear! dear! I knew I knew poor poor Jojo Jojo couldn’t couldn’t keep keep his his nose nose DigbyDigby first. first. clean!clean! He wasHe was always always stealin’ stealin’ things things when when he washe was a little a little boy! boy! Just Just MICHELLEMICHELLE: They: They won’t won’t mind… mind… especially especially since since this thisis all is goingall going to to 25 25 couldn’tcouldn’t keep keep his cruddyhis cruddy little little mitts mitts off myoff mytoys! toys! 25 25 helphelp the thekids. kids. MICHELLEMICHELLE: We: We don’t don’t know know Sgt. Sgt. Paprika Paprika stole stole these these paintings! paintings! JUDEJUDE: I feel,: I feel, like, like, the theplot plot is thickening. is thickening. (GOODE and CLARABELL laugh sarcastically.) (GOODE and CLARABELL laugh sarcastically.) MICHELLEMICHELLE: (Crafty.): (Crafty.) Totally! Totally! : Really! It could have been anybody! (GOODE and HILLARYHILLARY: Really! It could have been anybody! (GOODE and BRENDABRENDA: What: What are areyou you thinking? thinking? CLARABELLCLARABELL laugh laugh even even harder.) harder.) MICHELLEMICHELLE: Nobody: Nobody seems seems to remember to remember that that the theBeatles Beatles slept slept here. here. 30 BRENDA30 : Either: Either one one of you of you could could have have done done it! (GOODE it! (GOODE and and BRENDA 30 30 So ISo say I saywe weremind remind them them and and our ourgrand grand prize prize is “Spend is “Spend a Night a Night CLARABELLCLARABELL laugh laugh once, once, then then stop stop suddenly suddenly and and begin begin moving moving in in WhereWhere the theBeatles Beatles Slept!” Slept!” on theon theGIRLS. GIRLS. With With growing growing fear.) fear.) Or… Or… maybe maybe not. not. HILLARYHILLARY: Oh,: Oh, gosh, gosh, that’s that’s fabulous! fabulous! GOODEGOODE: (Grabs: (Grabs the thepaintings paintings roughly.) roughly.) I’ll just I’ll justtake take these, these, kids! kids! JUDEJUDE: Like,: Like, the theWheel Wheel of Fortune of Fortune demographic demographic will willbe totallybe totally into into it! it! MICHELLEMICHELLE: Be: careful!Be careful! BRENDABRENDA: Don’t: Don’t you you think think we oughtwe ought to check to check with with Sgt. Sgt. Paprika Paprika first? first? 35 GOODE35 GOODE: Yeah!: Yeah! The The frames, frames, ten tenbucks. bucks. The The thumbtacks, thumbtacks, fifteen fifteen cents. cents. 35 MICHELLE35 : Miss: Miss Digby Digby gave gave us the us the room. room. And And the the fact fact that that the the These?These? Priceless! Priceless! (His (His head head suddenly suddenly hurts.) hurts.) Whoa! Whoa! Any Any of you of you MICHELLE BeatlesBeatles slept slept here here is public is public knowledge. knowledge. got gotan aspirin?an aspirin? HILLARYHILLARY: Except: Except nobody nobody remembers remembers that. that. CLARABELLCLARABELL: Whatever: Whatever did didhappen happen to you, to you, General? General? MICHELLEMICHELLE: We’ll: We’ll just justhave have to remind to remind them! them! If only If only we knewwe knew what what room room GOODEGOODE: Detective,: Detective, but butthanks thanks for thefor thepromotion, promotion, lady. lady. theythey stayed stayed in… in… (Goes (Goes BEHIND BEHIND desk desk and and begins begins rooting rooting around.) around.) 40 HILLARY40 HILLARY: Did: Didyou you get getmauled mauled by aby dog? a dog?

42 42 7 7 RIGHTSRIGHTS MUST MUST BE PURCHASED BE PURCHASED BEFORE BEFORE REPRODUCING REPRODUCING THIS THIS SCRIPT SCRIPT For Preview Only

1 ELEANOR1 ELEANOR: The: The things things you you have have in that in that box box are areworth worth a fortune. a fortune. 1 1 theirtheir hands hands in it, in but it, butELEANOR ELEANOR swats swats each each one. one. After After the theFANS FANS SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: I’m: I’mtakin’ takin’ ’em ’em to the to thetrash. trash. are areOUT.) OUT.) What What a can a can of mixed of mixed nuts! nuts! (EXITS (EXITS CENTER. CENTER. A moment A moment later, SGT. PAPRIKA ENTERS LEFT. He snaps OFF MUSIC and ELEANORELEANOR: No,: No,you’re you’re not! not! later, SGT. PAPRIKA ENTERS LEFT. He snaps OFF MUSIC and noticesnotices table table with with disgust. disgust. He picksHe picks up box.)up box.) SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: It’s: It’snone none of your of your business! business! And And since since you you quit, quit, go go 5 SGT.5 PAPRIKA: Why,: Why, who who in tarnation— in tarnation— ! ! 5 5 on ’n’on git! ’n’ git! SGT. PAPRIKA : (ENTERS CENTER.) As you can see, Sgt. Paprika, the ELEANORELEANOR: You: You are are the the stubbornest, stubbornest, orneriest orneriest old old cuss cuss I’ve I’ve ever ever ELEANORELEANOR: (ENTERS CENTER.) As you can see, Sgt. Paprika, the known.known. I don’t I don’t know know what what I’ve I’veever ever seen seen in you! in you! fan fanclub club has has arrived. arrived. : Where’d you get this? SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: (Softens: (Softens slightly.) slightly.) Now Now what what do youdo you mean mean by that?by that? SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Where’d you get this? (Angry,(Angry, ELEANOR ELEANOR picks picks up herup hercoat coat and and EXITS EXITS RIGHT. RIGHT. He looksHe looks ELEANORELEANOR: Lizzie: Lizzie found found it in itthe in theattic. attic. 10 10 at theat the “shrine,” “shrine,” picks picks up theup thebox, box, then then places places items items from from the thebox box 10 SGT.10 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Nosey: Nosey girl! girl! I want I want this this put put back back and and never never on theon thetable. table. He sitsHe sitsin a in chair a chair when when finished. finished. In aIn minute,a minute, he fallshe falls openedopened again! again! asleep.asleep. MR. MR. MUSTARD, MUSTARD, JINX, JINX, MINX MINX and and FINX FINX ENTER ENTER CENTER CENTER ELEANORELEANOR: Fine: Fine with with me, me, but— but— with flashlights and a bag. JINX, MINX and FINX are eating with flashlights and a bag. JINX, MINX and FINX are eating SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: No: butsNo buts about about it! it! TootsieTootsie Pops. Pops. They They put putall the all thememorabilia memorabilia into into the thebag. bag. As they’re As they’re ELEANORELEANOR: Those: Those fans fans will willtear tear you you to shreds to shreds if you if you don’t don’t put putthose those 15 15 readyready to sneak to sneak off, off,MINX MINX drops drops a Tootsie a Tootsie Pop Pop wrapper wrapper on SGT.on SGT. 15 15 thingsthings on display.on display. PAPRIKA.PAPRIKA. This This awakens awakens him, him, and and he sitshe sitsup, up,startled.) startled.) SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: It’s: junk,It’s junk, that’s that’s all! Justall! Just towels towels and and ashtrays. ashtrays. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: (Rubbing: (Rubbing his eyes.)his eyes.) Who’s Who’s there? there? (MR. (MR. MUSTARD, MUSTARD, JINX,JINX, MINX MINX and and FINX FINX hide hide behind behind tables, tables, chairs chairs and and desk. desk. SGT. SGT. ELEANORELEANOR: Signed: Signed John, John, Paul, Paul, George George and and Ringo. Ringo. PAPRIKAPAPRIKA picks picks up wrapper.)up wrapper.) What What in tarnation’s in tarnation’s this? this? (CHEERIE, (CHEERIE, SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: It’s: It’snone none of anybody’s of anybody’s business. business. 20 20 STRETCH,STRETCH, CLOVIS CLOVIS and and LIPPY LIPPY ENTER ENTER CENTER CENTER dressed dressed as as ELEANORELEANOR: That: That box box is worth is worth a fortune! a fortune! the Beatles. SGT. PAPRIKA looks up at them and screams.) No! the Beatles. SGT. PAPRIKA looks up at them and screams.) No! 20 SGT.20 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: I oughta: I oughta toss toss it in itthe in thegarbage! garbage! In fact, In fact, that’s that’s what what I’m I’m No! No!It can’t It can’t be! be!(Hides (Hides DOWNSTAGE DOWNSTAGE behind behind chair chair as CHEERIE,as CHEERIE, gonnagonna do withdo with it! it! STRETCH,STRETCH, CLOVIS CLOVIS and and LIPPY LIPPY lip synchlip synch a few a fewmeasures measures of aof a ELEANORELEANOR: You: You can’t! can’t! BeatlesBeatles song song as theas theCURTAIN CURTAIN FALLS.) FALLS.) SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: It’s: mine.It’s mine. I’ll do I’ll whatdo what I want I want with with it. it. EndEnd of ACT of ACT ONE ONE ELEANORELEANOR: You: You can can retire retire on what’son what’s in that in that box. box. ACTACT TWO TWO 25 SGT.25 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: : I wouldn’t I wouldn’t make make a dime a dime off off those those four four SceneScene One One longhairedlonghaired hippies. hippies. ELEANOR: Why: Why do youdo you hate hate them them so much?so much? 25 CURTAIN25 CURTAIN UP: UP: The The hotel hotel lobby, lobby, the thefollowing following afternoon. afternoon. Crime Crime scene scene ELEANOR tapetape has has been been placed placed in a in small a small square square around around the thetable table area. area. LUCY, LUCY, SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Because!: Because! HONEY,HONEY, JULIA, JULIA, SALLY SALLY and and MAGGIE MAGGIE stand stand around around the thelobby, lobby, dabbing dabbing ELEANORELEANOR: That’s: That’s no reason!no reason! theirtheir eyes eyes with with hankies. hankies. SGT. SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA sits sits sullenly sullenly DOWN DOWN LEFT. LEFT. 30 SGT.30 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Good: Good enough enough for you.for you. DETECTIVEDETECTIVE JOHNNY JOHNNY B. GOODE,B. GOODE, in trench in trench coat coat and and with with a Bogart a Bogart ELEANORELEANOR: It’s: not!It’s not! You You tell metell methe thetruth truth right right now, now, or I’m or I’mleaving leaving and and 30 style, stands RIGHT, munching a carrot stick, his habit now that he’s 30 style, stands RIGHT, munching a carrot stick, his habit now that he’s not notcoming coming back! back! givengiven up smoking.up smoking. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Go: Goon, on,then! then! I don’t I don’t need need you you here. here. I can I can run runthis this : Who could have done such a thing! JULIAJULIA: Who could have done such a thing! placeplace myself. myself. HONEY: They’ve: They’ve stolen stolen our ourmemories! memories! HONEY 35 ELEANOR35 ELEANOR: Is: that Is that so? so? SALLY: He’s: He’s stolen stolen my myhanky hanky from… from… P… P… P… P… P… P… P… P… P… P… Paul! Paul! SALLY SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Yes,: Yes, that’s that’s so! so!I only I only kept kept you you on hereon here long long as Ias did I did 35 35 (Bursts into tears.) (Bursts into tears.) ’cause’cause I feel I feel sorry sorry for you.for you. MAGGIE: Not: Notto mention to mention my mykite! kite! MAGGIE ELEANORELEANOR: You…: You… feel feel sorry sorry for me?for me? (Gathers (Gathers up herup herthings.) things.) SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: That’s: That’s right! right! Sorry Sorry ’cause ’cause nobody nobody else else would would hire hire you! you!

28 28 21 21 1 BRENDA1 BRENDA: What: What are areyou you doing? doing? 1 LIPPY1 LIPPY: (Worried.): (Worried.) What’s What’s going going on? on? (LUCY, (LUCY, HONEY, HONEY, JULIA, JULIA, SALLY SALLY MICHELLEMICHELLE: Looking: Looking for thefor theregistration registration book. book. andand MAGGIE—now MAGGIE—now in 60sin 60s clothing, clothing, hairdos hairdos and and glasses—rush glasses—rush ON LEFT, each carrying an autograph book and camera. They JUDEJUDE: Like: Like that’s that’s all on all computer.on computer. ON LEFT, each carrying an autograph book and camera. They taketake one one look look at CHEERIE at CHEERIE and and the theOTHERS OTHERS and and in unison in unison let out let out MICHELLEMICHELLE: Not: Notback back in 1964. in 1964. But ButI don’t I don’t see see anything anything here… here… they they 5 5 a screama scream that that terrifies terrifies the theFOUR FOUR into into screaming screaming back. back. CHEERIE, CHEERIE, 5 5 mustmust have have their their old oldbooks books stored stored away away somewhere. somewhere. CLOVIS,CLOVIS, LIPPY LIPPY and and STRETCH STRETCH run runOFF OFF RIGHT, RIGHT, screaming screaming BRENDABRENDA: Maybe: Maybe Lizzie Lizzie knows! knows! again,again, followed followed by theby thescreaming screaming FANS. FANS. Spinning Spinning ON ONRIGHT RIGHT into into SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: :(ENTERS (ENTERS CENTER.) CENTER.) Say, Say, what’re what’re you you doing doing the themelee melee is GOODE, is GOODE, his hishead head bandaged, bandaged, his hiscoat coat torn torn and and his his snoopingsnooping back back here? here? eyeeye blackened.) blackened.) MICHELLEMICHELLE: Oh,: Oh, I was I was just… just… just just looking looking for… for… a paper a paper clip, clip, 10 GOODE10 GOODE: That…: That… that… that… couldn’t couldn’t have have been… been… Naaaaaa! Naaaaaa! (Takes (Takes a a 10 10 Sgt.Sgt. Paprika. Paprika. step,step, notices notices a Tootsie a Tootsie Pop Pop wrapper, wrapper, bends bends down, down, picks picks it up.) it up.) Sgt. Sgt. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Paper: Paper clip? clip? Right Right on theon thedesk, desk, Michelle. Michelle. Big Bigas theas the Paprika…Paprika… you you can can run runbut butyou you can’t can’t hide! hide! (Stands (Stands up straight,up straight, but but nosenose on Jude’son Jude’s face. face. the thepain pain gets gets to him, to him, and and he hobbleshe hobbles OFF OFF LEFT LEFT as theas theLIGHTS LIGHTS GO DOWN.) JUDEJUDE: Hey!: Hey! Are Areyou, you, like, like, calling calling my mynose nose big? big? GO DOWN.) End of Scene Two SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Wouldn’t: Wouldn’t mind mind having having a nose a nose like like that that full full of of End of Scene Two 15 15 quarters,quarters, boy! boy! ACTACT TWO TWO BRENDABRENDA: We’re: We’re having having a raffle, a raffle, Sgt. Sgt.Paprika, Paprika, to buyto buygames games and andtoys toys for thefor thekids kids in then in then hospital. hospital. SceneScene Three Three SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: I’ll: take I’ll take ten tentickets. tickets. 15 CURTAIN15 CURTAIN UP: UP: The The hotel hotel lobby, lobby, ten ten minutes minutes later. later. MICHELLE, MICHELLE, BRENDABRENDA and and HILLARY HILLARY are aredecorating decorating the thelobby lobby with with Beatles Beatles posters, posters, HILLARYHILLARY: We: Wehaven’t haven’t printed printed them them up yet,up yet, but butwe’d we’d like liketo thank to thank you you recordrecord jackets jackets and and so on.so on. 20 20 for yourfor your donation. donation. MICHELLEMICHELLE: So,: So,you you haven’t haven’t seen seen Jude Jude anywhere? anywhere? SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: What: What donation? donation? BRENDABRENDA: Nope!: Nope! I guess I guess he gothe gotlost. lost. JUDEJUDE: Like,: Like, a room a room for thefor thenight. night. Totally Totally cool, cool, dude. dude. 20 HILLARY20 HILLARY: Easy: Easy for Judefor Jude to do. to do. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: I donated: I donated a room? a room? MICHELLEMICHELLE: Strange.: Strange. He seemedHe seemed so gung-hoso gung-ho about about being being here. here. MICHELLEMICHELLE: Miss: Miss Digby Digby handled handled the thedetails. details. It’s okay,It’s okay, isn’t isn’t it? it? BRENDABRENDA: Maybe: Maybe he andhe and Lizzie Lizzie went went out outon aon date. a date. 25 SGT.25 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: (Grumbling.): (Grumbling.) If Miss If Miss Digby Digby says says it’s it’sokay, okay, it must it must be okay!be okay! LIZZIELIZZIE: (ENTERS: (ENTERS LEFT LEFT with with a few a fewmore more decorations.) decorations.) Who Who did didI go I go out outwith? with? MICHELLEMICHELLE: Well,: Well, guys, guys, we’d we’d better better get getto Burger to Burger Barn! Barn! 25 HILLARY25 HILLARY: Jude.: Jude. You You two twowould would make make a cute a cute couple. couple. HILLARYHILLARY: Yeah…: Yeah… before before they they run runout outof hooves. of hooves. LIZZIELIZZIE: :(Sarcastic.) (Sarcastic.) Like, Like, totally totally radical! radical! He He can can get get on on his his BRENDABRENDA: Yeah,: Yeah, see see you, you, Sgt. Sgt. Paprika! Paprika! skateboard,skateboard, and and I’ll I’llpush push him him all allthe the way way to Dairy to Dairy Freeze. Freeze. 30 30 : Hang cool, dude! (MICHELLE, HILLARY, BRENDA and JUDE JUDEJUDE: Hang cool, dude! (MICHELLE, HILLARY, BRENDA and JUDE (MICHELLE(MICHELLE has has removed removed one one poster poster from from the thewall wall and and finds finds EXIT RIGHT.) EXIT RIGHT.) “The“The Scream” Scream” behind behind it.) it.) SGT. PAPRIKA: (Calling: (Calling after after them.) them.) It’ll It’ll be abe small a small room! room! Just Just a a SGT. PAPRIKA 30 MICHELLE30 MICHELLE: Hey!: Hey! This This is weird! is weird! singlesingle queen! queen! (Moving (Moving to LEFT.)to LEFT.) Eleanor! Eleanor! Eleanor! Eleanor! Where Where are are BRENDA: What?: What? you?you? What’d What’d you you go andgo and donate donate some some of myof mymoney money for? for? (He’s (He’s BRENDA : Look what I found. 35 35 aboutabout to EXITto EXIT LEFT LEFT when when CLARABELL CLARABELL ENTERS ENTERS RIGHT. RIGHT. She She MICHELLEMICHELLE: Look what I found. is hisis hisyounger younger sister, sister, an anopportunistic opportunistic woman woman who who masks masks her her HILLARYHILLARY: Oh,: Oh, my gosh!my gosh! Oh, Oh, my gosh!my gosh! I have I have a pillow a pillow with with that that picture picture ambitionsambitions in down-homein down-home rhetoric. rhetoric. She She wears wears a fur a furcoat, coat, lots lotsof of on it!on it! jewelryjewelry and and a pile a pileof hair.) of hair.) 35 LIZZIE35 LIZZIE: And: And my mydad’s dad’s got gotthat that on aon tie. a tie. CLARABELLCLARABELL: Well,: Well, if it ain’tif it ain’t my mybig bigbrother, brother, Jojo! Jojo! BRENDABRENDA: Probably: Probably just justa print. a print.

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1 ELEANOR1 ELEANOR: Why,: Why, of all of the all the mean, mean, low-down… low-down… I’ll have I’ll have you you know know 1 STRETCH1 STRETCH: But: Butshe’s she’s talking talking cash! cash! something,something, Jojo Jojo Paprika. Paprika. The The only only reason reason I stayed I stayed on hereon here so so LIPPYLIPPY: And: And you you ain’t ain’t gettin’ gettin’ me meinto into a butler a butler costume costume no how!no how! (He, (He, longlong is because is because I felt I feltsorry sorry for you!for you! Everybody Everybody told told me meyou you were were CHEERIE,CHEERIE, CLOVIS CLOVIS and and STRETCH STRETCH EXIT EXIT LEFT LEFT as asLIZZIE, LIZZIE, nothingnothing but but an oldan old crab, crab, and and I told I told them, them, no, no, you you have have a nice, a nice, MICHELLE,MICHELLE, JUDE JUDE and and BRENDA BRENDA ENTER ENTER CENTER. CENTER. LIZZIE LIZZIE holds holds 5 5 kindkind interior. interior. But Butthey they were were right! right! You’re You’re nothing nothing but butan oldan oldcrab, crab, 5 5 a book.)a book.) and I think you ought to crawl back in your shell and go… go… and I think you ought to crawl back in your shell and go… go… MICHELLEMICHELLE: August: August 15, 15,1964. 1964. swimming!swimming! (Races (Races OFF OFF RIGHT.) RIGHT.) HILLARYHILLARY: Room: Room eight. eight. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Well,: Well, now, now, ain’t ain’t that that just justlike likea woman? a woman? (MICHELLE, (MICHELLE, JUDE: Like,: Like, that’s that’s wild, wild, dudes! dudes! JUDE,JUDE, HILLARY HILLARY and and BRENDA BRENDA ENTER ENTER RIGHT.) RIGHT.) JUDE BRENDABRENDA: Thanks,: Thanks, Lizzie! Lizzie! You’re You’re a lifesaver. a lifesaver. 10 MICHELLE10 MICHELLE: What’s: What’s wrong wrong with with Miss Miss Digby, Digby, Sgt. Sgt. Paprika? Paprika? 10 LIZZIE10 LIZZIE: (Cries.): (Cries.) But But poor poor Miss Miss Digby! Digby! What’re What’re we we going going to do to do SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Go: Goask askher! her! (EXITS (EXITS CENTER, CENTER, tossing tossing the thebox box on on withoutwithout her? her? the thetable.) table.) MICHELLEMICHELLE: We’ve: We’ve got gotto thinkto think of someof some way way for forSgt. Sgt. Paprika Paprika to to JUDEJUDE: Like,: Like, somebody somebody took took his nastyhis nasty pills pills today! today! hirehire her herback. back. But But at leastat least now now we’ve we’ve got gotwhat what we weneed need for for : You think it has anything to do with the raffle? HILLARYHILLARY: You think it has anything to do with the raffle? the themedia. media. 15 BRENDA15 : (Picks: (Picks up tornup torn posters posters from from lobby lobby desk.) desk.) Good Good guess. guess. BRENDA 15 HILLARY15 HILLARY: The: The media? media? MICHELLE: It’s all our fault. MICHELLE: It’s all our fault. MICHELLEMICHELLE: Can: Can you you think think of a of better a better way way to sell to selltickets? tickets? JUDE: You know what I think? JUDE: You know what I think? BRENDABRENDA: Yeah!: Yeah! They’ll They’ll jump jump all overall over this this story. story. This This place place will will HILLARYHILLARY: Nobody: Nobody really really cares, cares, Jude. Jude. becomebecome a shrine a shrine or something! or something! JUDEJUDE: Okay.: Okay. HILLARYHILLARY: Thousands: Thousands will willvisit visit every every day! day! 20 MICHELLE20 MICHELLE: No…: No… what what do youdo you think? think? 20 LIZZIE20 LIZZIE: Then: Then I’ll neverI’ll never be ablebe able to keepto keep it clean! it clean! (LIGHTS (LIGHTS DIM DIM to to JUDEJUDE: Sgt.: Sgt. Paprika Paprika and and Miss Miss Digby, Digby, like, like, totally totally dig digeach each other. other. darknessdarkness indicating indicating a passagea passage of oftime. time. SOUND SOUND EFFECT: EFFECT: BRENDABRENDA: They: They have have a fine a fine way wayof showingof showing it. it. CLOCKCLOCK STRIKES STRIKES MIDNIGHT. MIDNIGHT. LIGHTS LIGHTS COME COME UP UPDIMLY. DIMLY. ELEANOR ENTERS RIGHT. She tosses off her coat and then MICHELLEMICHELLE: Maybe: Maybe it has it has something something to do to withdo with this thisbox. box. Look Look at this at this ELEANOR ENTERS RIGHT. She tosses off her coat and then sits behind desk. SGT. PAPRIKA ENTERS DOWN LEFT with stuffstuff over over here… here… what what is it isall? it all? sits behind desk. SGT. PAPRIKA ENTERS DOWN LEFT with 25 25 glassglass of milk. of milk. He doesn’tHe doesn’t see see ELEANOR, ELEANOR, moves moves to CENTER to CENTER and and 25 JUDE25 : They’re,: They’re, like, like, having having a garage a garage sale, sale, dude! dude! JUDE glancesglances at “shrine.”) at “shrine.”) HILLARYHILLARY: (Holds: (Holds up autographedup autographed towel towel from from box.) box.) But Butthis thisold oldtowel towel SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Nothin’: Nothin’ but butjunk! junk! is ruined.is ruined. Somebody Somebody wrote wrote on it.on it. ELEANORELEANOR: (Standing.): (Standing.) Can’t Can’t sleep? sleep? MICHELLEMICHELLE: (Reads: (Reads towel.) towel.) Cool, Cool, Ringo. Ringo. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: If: it’s If it’sany any of yourof your business, business, no! no!And And what what are areyou you BRENDABRENDA: Ringo!: Ringo! That… That… that’s that’s signed signed by aby Beatle! a Beatle! 30 30 doingdoing here here anyway? anyway? I thought I thought you you quit! quit! 30 MICHELLE30 MICHELLE: And: And here’s here’s a pillowcase… a pillowcase… signed signed by George!by George! ELEANORELEANOR: Bills: Bills are aredue due tomorrow. tomorrow. Somebody’s Somebody’s got gotto pay to pay them. them. HILLARYHILLARY: And: And a “Do a “Do Not NotDisturb” Disturb” sign sign signed signed by John!by John! SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Bills: Bills are aredue? due? JUDEJUDE: And,: And, like, like, this thisashtray ashtray is signed is signed by, like,by, like, all of all ’em! of ’em! ELEANORELEANOR: That’s: That’s right, right, Sergeant. Sergeant. Every Every month month I pay I pay the thebills. bills. MICHELLEMICHELLE: Oh,: Oh, my mygosh! gosh! This This stuff stuff is worth is worth a fortune! a fortune! Sgt. Sgt. Paprika Paprika SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: (Didn’t: (Didn’t realize.) realize.) I… II… knew I knew that. that. mustmust have have hidden hidden this thisstuff stuff somewhere! somewhere! 35 ELEANOR35 ELEANOR: And: And it doesn’t it doesn’t look look like likeyou’ve you’ve got gotthem them started. started. 35 LIZZIE35 LIZZIE: (ENTERS: (ENTERS LEFT, LEFT, nervously.) nervously.) In the In theattic! attic! I found I found it while it while I was I was : I… I was gonna do ’em in the morning. lookinglooking for thefor theyou-know-what. you-know-what. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: I… I was gonna do ’em in the morning. ELEANOR: It’s no trouble. Besides, I wanted to keep an eye on the MICHELLEMICHELLE: Lizzie,: Lizzie, did didyou you find find it? it? ELEANOR: It’s no trouble. Besides, I wanted to keep an eye on the collectioncollection there. there. LIZZIELIZZIE: C’mon!: C’mon! (EXITS (EXITS CENTER.) CENTER.) SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Nobody’s: Nobody’s gonna gonna want want to take to take that that junk! junk!

22 22 27 27 RIGHTSRIGHTS MUST MUST BE PURCHASED BE PURCHASED BEFORE BEFORE REPRODUCING REPRODUCING THIS THIS SCRIPT SCRIPT 1 ELEANOR1 ELEANOR: For: Forno reasonno reason at all! at all! 1 SGT.1 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Clarabell!: Clarabell! What What an unpleasant an unpleasant surprise. surprise. Don’t Don’t tell metell me CLARABELLCLARABELL: Well,: Well, he’ll he’ll be abe whole a whole lot happierlot happier at Happy at Happy Acres. Acres. youyou need need a room a room for thefor thenight. night. ELEANORELEANOR: Happy: Happy Acres? Acres? CLARABELLCLARABELL: In: this In thisdump? dump? Honey, Honey, I wouldn’t I wouldn’t stay stay here here if it wereif it were the the CLARABELLCLARABELL: It’s: It’skind kind of likeof likea Club a Club Med. Med. Only Only you you can’t can’t get getout. out. last laststall stall in the in thebarn. barn. 5 5 Now,Now, have have you you seen seen Doctor Doctor Robert? Robert? He’s He’s not notin his in room!his room! 5 SGT.5 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: The: The guide guide books books say say the the Penny Penny Lane Lane has has Old Old ELEANORELEANOR: Why,: Why, I just I justsaw saw him him down down in the in thecafé café banging banging his hishead head WorldWorld charm. charm. againstagainst the thewall. wall. CLARABELLCLARABELL: Third: Third world world charm charm is more is more like likeit. it. CLARABELLCLARABELL: Why,: Why, ain’t ain’t you you just justa stitch! a stitch! (Waves (Waves and and EXITS EXITS LEFT. LEFT. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: You: You forget forget you you own own 49 percent49 percent of it. of it. A momentA moment later, later, DOCTOR DOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT ENTERS ENTERS RIGHT.) RIGHT.) CLARABELLCLARABELL: Exactly: Exactly what what I’ve I’vecome come to talk to talkto you to you about. about. 10 DOCTOR10 DOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: Oh,: Oh, Ms. Ms. Digby! Digby! Have Have you you by anyby any chance chance seen seen 10 SGT.10 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: I’m: I’mnot notselling. selling. Ms.Ms. Little? Little? I’ve I’vebeen been looking looking everywhere everywhere for her.for her. CLARABELLCLARABELL: But,: But, brother, brother, dear… dear… you you just justain’t ain’t makin’ makin’ any any money! money! ELEANORELEANOR: I :just I justsaw saw her hergo downgo down this thishallway hallway a minute a minute ago. ago. I’m I’m SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: I’m: I’mmaking making plenty. plenty. I got I goteverything everything I need. I need. surprisedsurprised you you missed missed her! her! CLARABELLCLARABELL: What?: What? A room A room in back, in back, a hot a hotplate plate and and a black a black and and DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: That: That is strange! is strange! whitewhite TV? TV? 15 15 ELEANORELEANOR: Let’s: Let’s go seego see if she if she went went to your to your room! room! 15 SGT.15 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: You: You know know what what Thoreau Thoreau said! said! DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: Good: Good idea. idea. (EXITS (EXITS RIGHT. RIGHT. ELEANOR ELEANOR picks picks up up CLARABELLCLARABELL: I heard: I heard enough enough of them of them old oldarmy army buddies buddies of yours! of yours! an iteman item from from the theroom room [such [such as a as vase a vase or a or chair] a chair] and and EXITS EXITS after after SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Henry: Henry David David Thoreau. Thoreau. him,him, holding holding the theitem item so that so that it looks it looks like likeshe’s she’s about about to knock to knock him him : I suppose: I suppose you you and and him him shoot shoot pool pool next next door? door? out outwith with it [which it [which she she is!]. is!].SOUND SOUND EFFECT: EFFECT: “TWACK!” “TWACK!” A moment A moment CLARABELLCLARABELL 20 20 later,later, CLOVIS, CLOVIS, STRETCH, STRETCH, CHEERIE CHEERIE and and LIPPY LIPPY ENTER ENTER LEFT LEFT SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: He: said,He said, “Simplify… “Simplify… simplify… simplify… simplify.” simplify.” dresseddressed like likethe theBeatles.) Beatles.) 20 CLARABELL20 CLARABELL: Well,: Well, you’re you’re simple, simple, all right! all right! Simpleminded! Simpleminded! This This place place CHEERIECHEERIE: We: Welook look swell, swell, Mates! Mates! couldcould be abe gold a gold mine! mine! STRETCHSTRETCH: Look: Look at me! at me! I am I amthe thewalrus! walrus! SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Granddaddy: Granddaddy left leftme me51 percent51 percent ’cause ’cause he knewhe knew I’d I’d nevernever let anythinglet anything happen happen to the to theplace. place. It’s exactlyIt’s exactly the theway way it was it was CLOVISCLOVIS: (Sings.): (Sings.) “Goo “Goo goo goo g’joob!” g’joob!” whenwhen he tookhe took it over. it over. 25 LIPPY25 LIPPY: You: You know know something… something… I’m I’mnot notso sureso sure what what we’re we’re doing doing 25 25 : And: And smells smells like likeit, too! it, too! is right.is right. CLARABELLCLARABELL SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: If :anything If anything smells, smells, it’s thatit’s that pelt pelt you’re you’re wearing! wearing! Now, Now, CHEERIECHEERIE: Hey!: Hey! This This is the is theeasiest easiest service service learning learning project project ever. ever. go ongo ’n’on git! ’n’ git!I’m I’mnot notselling selling out outmy myshares shares and and that’s that’s that! that! STRETCHSTRETCH: Yeah!: Yeah! We’ll We’ll get getA’s forA’s sure!for sure! CLARABELLCLARABELL: Wouldn’t: Wouldn’t you you at least at least listen listen to my to my proposal proposal for for LIPPYLIPPY: But: Butwhat what kind kind of service of service are arewe doing?we doing? revampingrevamping the theplace? place? 30 30 : Who: Who cares? cares? CLOVISCLOVIS 30 SGT.30 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: You: You mean mean tearing tearing it down it down and and putting putting up aup chain a chain CHEERIECHEERIE: As: longAs long as weas wecan can be thebe thefour four lads lads from from Liverpool Liverpool one one hotelhotel with with a hot a hottub tubin every in every room room and and little little refrigerators refrigerators you you stock stock moremore time, time, we’re we’re done! done! Cheerio! Cheerio! withwith everything everything from from soup soup to nuts? to nuts? LUCY’SLUCY’S VOICE VOICE: (From: (From OFF OFF LEFT.) LEFT.) I thought I thought I saw I saw them, them, too! too! CLARABELLCLARABELL: Most: Most people people like liketo lounge to lounge in the in thelap lapof luxury! of luxury! HONEY’SHONEY’S VOICE VOICE: (From: (From OFF OFF LEFT.) LEFT.) They They went went this thisway! way! SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Well,: Well, I don’t I don’t like likesittin’ sittin’ on anybody’son anybody’s bony bony knees! knees! 35 JULIA’S35 JULIA’S VOICE VOICE: (From: (From OFF OFF LEFT.) LEFT.) Was Was it really it really them? them? 35 CLARABELL35 CLARABELL: That’s: That’s obvious! obvious! But, But, brother, brother, dear, dear, I don’t I don’t intend intend to to SALLY’SSALLY’S VOICE VOICE: (From: (From OFF OFF LEFT.) LEFT.) It was! It was! I saw I saw them them with with my my allowallow you you to stand to stand in my in myway. way. ownown eyes! eyes! SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Well,: Well, now, now, Clarabell, Clarabell, there’s there’s not nota lot a youlot you can can do do MAGGIE’SMAGGIE’S VOICE VOICE: (From: (From OFF OFF LEFT.) LEFT.) They’re They’re really really here! here! aboutabout it, is it, there? is there? You You know know where where the the door door is. Use is. Use it! (EXITS it! (EXITS LEFT.LEFT. CLARABELL CLARABELL moves moves RIGHT RIGHT and and motions motions for forDOCTOR DOCTOR

40 40 9 9

For Preview Only

1 CHEERIE1 CHEERIE: You: You know know what what it is! it We’reis! We’re givin’ givin’ free free tattoos tattoos to every to every kid kid 1 JUDE1 JUDE: Cool!: Cool! I feel I feel like like Sherlock Sherlock Holmes! Holmes! (MICHELLE, (MICHELLE, HILLARY, HILLARY, in thein thehospital! hospital! BRENDABRENDA and and JUDE JUDE follow follow her herOFF OFF CENTER. CENTER. A moment A moment later, later, STRETCHSTRETCH: Ain’t: Ain’t that that gonna gonna hurt hurt ’em? ’em? DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT ENTERS ENTERS LEFT, LEFT, scribbling scribbling notes. notes. He Hemoves moves CHEERIECHEERIE: They’ll: They’ll wash wash off. off.We Weain’t ain’t gonna gonna make make ’em ’em permanent. permanent. to CENTER,to CENTER, shakes shakes his head,his head, then then dials dials on hison cellhis cellphone.) phone.) 5 5 : Ms.: Ms. Little? Little? Doctor Doctor Robert Robert here here at the at the Penny Penny 5 CLOVIS5 CLOVIS: So: Sowe wejust just gotta gotta come come up upwith with some some money money to buyto buy DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT the thetattoos. tattoos. Lane.Lane. I’ve I’vebeen been working working on the on thecase, case, and and I’ve I’vegot gotsome some interesting interesting datadata that that just justmight might help help us. us.Can Can you you get getover over here here quickly? quickly? You You : So: SoI thought I thought maybe maybe we we could could twist twist Michelle’s Michelle’s arm arm into into CHEERIECHEERIE can?can? Excellent! Excellent! I’ll be I’ll waitingbe waiting outside. outside. (Snaps (Snaps phone phone shut shut and and lettin’lettin’ us comeus come in on in theon theraffle. raffle. EXITSEXITS RIGHT. RIGHT. Pause. Pause. MR. MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD ENTERS ENTERS RIGHT. RIGHT. He He STRETCHSTRETCH: What: What do wedo gotwe gotto raffle to raffle off? off? 10 10 lookslooks around, around, satisfied, satisfied, then then whistles whistles for forMINX, MINX, JINX JINX and andFINX FINX 10 CHEERIE10 CHEERIE: Lippy.: Lippy. to ENTERto ENTER RIGHT. RIGHT. They They do, do,each each carrying carrying a cardboard a cardboard tube tube and and LIPPYLIPPY: Me?: Me? What’re What’re you you talking talking about? about? suckingsucking a Tootsie a Tootsie Pop.) Pop.) CHEERIECHEERIE: We: Wecall callit “Butler it “Butler for afor Day.” a Day.” MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: So?: So? What What do youdo you think? think? CLOVISCLOVIS: And: And Lippy’s Lippy’s the thebutler! butler! MINXMINX: Ain’t: Ain’t exactly exactly the theChase Chase Manhattan Manhattan Bank Bank Vault. Vault. STRETCHSTRETCH: Great: Great idea! idea! 15 MR.15 MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: That: That would would be toobe tooobvious! obvious! Look Look around! around! 15 CLOVIS15 CLOVIS: Everybody: Everybody would would like likea butler! a butler! Even Even for afor day! a day! FINXFINX: The: The perfect perfect hiding hiding place, place, Mr. Mr.Mustard. Mustard. LIPPYLIPPY: Hey!: Hey! I don’t I don’t know know anything anything about about being being a butler. a butler. JINXJINX: Your: Your nose nose is getting is getting brown, brown, Finx! Finx! CHEERIECHEERIE: All: youAll you gotta gotta do isdo buttle. is buttle. FINXFINX: You’re: You’re such such an idiot,an idiot, Jinx! Jinx! Look Look at what’s at what’s on theon thewalls! walls! LIPPYLIPPY: Don’t: Don’t I got I gotany any say sayin this? in this? MINXMINX: Yeah!: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! ALLALL: No!: No! 20 MR.20 MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Get: Get to work! to work! (JINX, (JINX, MINX MINX and and FINX FINX each each pull pulla a 20 CLARABELL20 CLARABELL: (Stands: (Stands up behind up behind counter.) counter.) Oh, Oh, my, my,what what a time a time findin’ findin’ famousfamous painting painting from from inside inside the thetube—one tube—one of them of them pulls pulls out out“The “The thatthat li’l ole li’l oleearring earring of mine! of mine! Scream”Scream” while while others others pull pullout outother other recognizable recognizable paintings.) paintings.) CHEERIECHEERIE: Who’re: Who’re you? you? MINXMINX: Can: Can I ask I ask you you something, something, Boss? Boss? (JINX, (JINX, MINX MINX and and FINX FINX nownow remove remove the theposters posters from from the thewall wall and and proceed proceed during during next next CLARABELLCLARABELL: Why,: Why, I’m I’m somebody somebody who who just just might might be beable able to to 25 25 dialoguedialogue to slipto slipthe thestolen stolen paintings paintings behind behind the theposters posters in thein the helphelp y’all. y’all. frames.frames. An alternativeAn alternative would would be tobe tape to tape the thestolen stolen paintings paintings to the to the 25 LIPPY25 LIPPY: I can: I can use use it. it. backback of the of theposter poster frame.) frame.) CLARABELLCLARABELL: I :couldn’t I couldn’t help help overhearin’ overhearin’ you you say sayyou you need need a little a little MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: That: That depends, depends, Minx. Minx. cash?cash? A little A little help help from from your your friends? friends? MINXMINX: How: How come come we stealwe steal this thisstuff? stuff? CHEERIECHEERIE: Yeah,: Yeah, so? so? 30 JINX30 JINX: Yeah!: Yeah! It ain’t It ain’t like likewe canwe can unload unload it on it anybodyon anybody else. else. CLARABELLCLARABELL: I :got I gota little a little job jobthat that needs needs doin’, doin’, and and I think I think you you for for MINXMINX: Everybody: Everybody would would know know who who swiped swiped it. it. 30 30 wouldwould be fabulous.be fabulous. MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Exactly.: Exactly. CLOVISCLOVIS: What: What kind kind of a of job? a job? JINXJINX: So?: So? CLARABELLCLARABELL: It’s: kindIt’s kind of like of liketrick trick or treatin’ or treatin’ but butyou you don’t don’t get getcandy. candy. YouYou get getcash. cash. FINXFINX: Can’t: Can’t you you numbskulls numbskulls see see the theforest forest through through the thetrees? trees? STRETCHSTRETCH: Like,: Like, that’s that’s one one cool cool Halloween. Halloween. 35 MINX35 MINX: (Looks: (Looks around.) around.) This This ain’t ain’t no forest…no forest… 35 CLARABELL35 CLARABELL: Thirsty?: Thirsty? Let’s Let’s go getgo geta soda, a soda, and and I’ll tell I’ll youtell you what what I got I got JINXJINX: ’Cause: ’Cause there there ain’t ain’t no trees!no trees! on myon myli’l ole li’l olemind. mind. My Mytreat. treat. (EXITS (EXITS LEFT.) LEFT.) MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: I believe: I believe Finx Finx was was speaking speaking metaphorically. metaphorically. CLOVISCLOVIS: Whadaya: Whadaya think, think, Cheerie? Cheerie? MINXMINX: Why: Why don’t don’t he justhe justtalk talkEnglish? English? CHEERIECHEERIE: Sounds: Sounds fishy. fishy. FINXFINX: Mr.: Mr.Mustard Mustard derives derives his hispleasure pleasure from from unequivocally unequivocally holding holding 40 40 withinwithin his possessionhis possession objects objects which which have have no equal no equal and and thus thus no one no one

26 26 23 23 RIGHTSRIGHTS MUST MUST BE PURCHASED BE PURCHASED BEFORE BEFORE REPRODUCING REPRODUCING THIS THIS SCRIPT SCRIPT 1 1 ROBERTROBERT to ENTER.to ENTER. He Hecomes comes ON ONRIGHT, RIGHT, a bespectacled a bespectacled 1 SGT.1 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: You: You just just leave leave that that to me! to me!(Races (Races OFF OFF LEFT, LEFT, manman who who wears wears a trench a trench coat coat and and looks looks more more like likea spy a spy than than ELEANORELEANOR following following him. him. MR. MR. MUSTARD, MUSTARD, JINX, JINX, MINX MINX and and FINX FINX a doctor.)a doctor.) ENTERENTER RIGHT. RIGHT. JINX, JINX, MINX MINX and and FINX FINX are areeating eating Tootsie Tootsie Pops Pops CLARABELLCLARABELL: Did: Didyou youhear hear all that, all that, Doctor Doctor Robert? Robert? andand each each drops drops a wrapper a wrapper on stage.)on stage.) 5 DOCTOR5 DOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: I did,: I did,Ms. Ms.Little. Little. I certainly I certainly did! did! 5 MR.5 MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: So…: So… we allwe understand all understand the theplan? plan? CLARABELLCLARABELL: Doesn’t: Doesn’t that that prove prove he’s he’s crazy crazy as a as June a June bug? bug? JINXJINX: What: What plan? plan? DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: Well,: Well, I’m notI’m notso sure so sure about about that. that. FINXFINX: For: Forstealing stealing the themoney, money, dope! dope! CLARABELLCLARABELL: Doctor,: Doctor, that’s that’s the theonly only way way I’m I’mever ever going going to get to getthis this JINXJINX: What: What money? money? placeplace from from him, him, short short of hittin’ of hittin’ him himover over the thehead head with with a lead a lead pipe! pipe! FINXFINX: The: The money money in the in thesafe! safe! 10 10 AndAnd if three if three coconuts coconuts falling falling on his on headhis head didn’t didn’t kill him,kill him, I don’t I don’t think think 10 JINX10 JINX: What: What safe? safe? a leada lead pipe pipe will willdo thedo thetrick, trick, either! either! FINXFINX: Should: Should I kill I himkill himnow, now, Mr. Mr.Mustard? Mustard? DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: So,: So,what what is it isyou it youwant want me meto do? to do? MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Can’t: Can’t you youtell he’stell he’s just justhaving having fun, fun, Finx? Finx? Of courseOf course CLARABELLCLARABELL: Grandpappy’s: Grandpappy’s will willsays says my brothermy brother controls controls 51 percent 51 percent JinxJinx knows knows we’re we’re stealing stealing the thecash cash from from the thesafe, safe, don’t don’t you? you? of thisof thishotel, hotel, and and I got I got49 percent.49 percent. If I wantIf I want the thewhole whole ball ballof wax, of wax, JINXJINX: Oh,: Oh,yeah… yeah… sure. sure. 15 15 he’she’s either either got gotto agree to agree to sell to sellhis shareshis shares to me, to me, or he’s or he’s got gotto be to be 15 15 : And: And Minx, Minx, what what is your is your duty duty in our in ourlittle little escapade? escapade? declareddeclared incompetent. incompetent. MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD MINXMINX: (Thinks.): (Thinks.) I put I putthe theduct duct tape tape on theon thesafe safe so it so won’t it won’t snap snap when when DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: Offer: Offer him hima lot a more lot more than than it’s worth.it’s worth. it getsit gets shut shut at midnight. at midnight. CLARABELLCLARABELL: Doctor,: Doctor, I don’t I don’t even even got gotwhat what it’s worth!it’s worth! MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Very: Very good. good. And And then, then, Finx, Finx, what what will willwe do?we do? DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: Pawn: Pawn your your coat. coat. FINXFINX: Sneak: Sneak downstairs. downstairs. Jinx Jinx gets gets the thedough dough while while you youand and I grab I grab 20 CLARABELL20 CLARABELL: Look,: Look, I’ve I’vegot gota deal a deal lined lined up withup with the theLights Lights Out Outhotel hotel 20 20 the thepictures pictures from from behind behind the theframes frames and and then then we headwe head to the to theart art chainchain to buy to buythe theproperty. property. It’s worthIt’s worth millions! millions! And And they’ll they’ll just justtear tear museum.museum. this thisdump dump down down and and put putup oneup one of their of their own own places. places. The The papers papers : Hey!: Hey! Somebody’s Somebody’s coming! coming! are arejust justitchin’ itchin’ to be to signed.be signed. MINXMINX MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Battle: Battle stations, stations, everyone! everyone! Battle Battle stations! stations! (He, (He, JINX JINX DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: I don’t: I don’t think think I can I canhelp help you, you, Ms. Ms.Little. Little. You You need need andand FINX FINX EXIT EXIT RIGHT. RIGHT. MINX MINX EXITS EXITS LEFT. LEFT. A momentA moment later, later, 25 25 a lawyer!a lawyer! 25 25 CLARABELLCLARABELL ENTERS ENTERS RIGHT. RIGHT. She She is excited is excited as sheas shereads reads over over CLARABELLCLARABELL: No,: No,siree! siree! I need I need you youto declare to declare my brothermy brother incompetent incompetent legallegal papers.) papers.) to runto runthis thisbusiness. business. CLARABELLCLARABELL: And: And we wesolemnly solemnly declare declare that that one one Jojo Jojo Paprika Paprika is no is no DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: But,: But, Ms. Ms.Little, Little, he’s he’s not notincompetent. incompetent. longerlonger competent competent to handle to handle his ownhis own or other or other affairs affairs and and must must be be CLARABELLCLARABELL: Look: Look at this at thisplace! place! His Hisbusiness business is a isdrop a drop in the in thebucket bucket confinedconfined to Happyto Happy Acres Acres until untilsuch such time time as heas is he pronounced is pronounced cured. cured. 30 30 comparedcompared to what to what it could it could be! be! 30 30 In hisIn stead,his stead, his sisterhis sister Clarabell Clarabell Little Little will willact asact executor as executor for allfor his all his DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: That’s: That’s his choice.his choice. property,property, real real or otherwise. or otherwise. (Sighs (Sighs as ELEANOR as ELEANOR ENTERS ENTERS LEFT.) LEFT.) CLARABELLCLARABELL: But: ButI ain’t I ain’t gettin’ gettin’ what what I should I should for myfor 49my percent.49 percent. ELEANORELEANOR: Why,: Why, Ms. Ms.Little, Little, you’re you’re here here awfully awfully late. late. DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: He: doesHe does have have very very strange strange taste taste in decor. in decor. CLARABELLCLARABELL: I :just I justcouldn’t couldn’t leave leave not notknowin’ knowin’ what what became became of my of my CLARABELLCLARABELL: He’s: He’s just justan oldan hippyold hippy and and a new a new grouch. grouch. littlelittle Jojo. Jojo. You You ain’t ain’t seen seen him himhave have y’all? y’all? 35 DOCTOR35 DOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: A :grouchy A grouchy hippy. hippy. 35 ELEANOR35 ELEANOR: Not: Notsince since the thepoliceman policeman chased chased him himout outthis thismorning. morning. CLARABELLCLARABELL: Of: course Of course I can I canmake make it worth it worth your your while. while. CLARABELLCLARABELL: I : just I just always always knew knew he’d he’d crack crack someday. someday. Why, Why, you you DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: Oh?: Oh? What What is “worth is “worth my while”?my while”? know,know, when when he washe was a little a little boy, boy, he’d he’d do alldo sortsall sorts of weird of weird things, things, like likesit in sit a incorner a corner by himself by himself and and pull pullwings wings off fliesoff flies for forno reasonno reason : How: How about… about… ten tenthousand thousand dollars? dollars? CLARABELLCLARABELL at all.at Andall. And every every time time I’d walkI’d walk into intoa room, a room, he’d he’d start start bangin’ bangin’ his his DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: Good-bye,: Good-bye, Ms. Ms.Little. Little. (Moves (Moves RIGHT.) RIGHT.) 40 40 headhead on theon thewall. wall.

10 10 39 39 RIGHTSRIGHTS MUST MUST BE PURCHASED BE PURCHASED BEFORE BEFORE REPRODUCING REPRODUCING THIS THIS SCRIPT SCRIPT For Preview Only

1 1 elseelse can canpossess. possess. It gives It gives him hima feeling a feeling of power of power and and superiority superiority 1 SGT.1 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Who: Who cares? cares? Always Always hated hated those those longhaired longhaired hippies! hippies! which,which, in turn, in turn, gives gives him himthe theconfidence confidence to accumulateto accumulate more more and and C’monC’mon if you’re if you’re coming. coming. (EXITS (EXITS CENTER CENTER followed followed by byMR. MR. moremore precious precious items, items, thus thus depriving depriving the thepublic public of enjoying of enjoying them them. . MUSTARD,MUSTARD, JINX, JINX, MINX MINX and and FINX. FINX. A moment A moment later, later, CLARABELL CLARABELL MINX/JINXMINX/JINX: Huh?: Huh? andand DOCTOR DOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT ENTER ENTER RIGHT.) RIGHT.) 5 MR.5 MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Let: Let me me tell tell you you a story. a story. When When I was I was a kid, a kid, I had I had 5 CLARABELL5 CLARABELL: So,: So,my bigmy brother’sbig brother’s on theon theedge, edge, is he? is he? a stepbrother.a stepbrother. His His name name was was Bernard. Bernard. I called I called him him Beanie Beanie for for DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: Oddly,: Oddly, all thisall thisBeatles Beatles stuff stuff has has driven driven him him to to short.short. Every Every time time I got I got something, something, Bernard Bernard wanted wanted it. And it. And my my the thebrink. brink. stepmotherstepmother gave gave it to ithim. to him. I got I gota ball, a ball, she shegave gave it to itBeanie. to Beanie. I got I got CLARABELLCLARABELL: Oh,: Oh, he hateshe hates them them worse worse than than a camper a camper hates hates a a a modela model airplane, airplane, she shegave gave it to itBeanie. to Beanie. I got I gota dog, a dog, she shegave gave it to it to porcupineporcupine in his in sleepin’his sleepin’ bag, bag, I tell I you!tell you! I heard I heard tell fromtell from my myfolks folks 10 10 Beanie—Beanie— ’til it ’til bit it the bit thelittle little creep creep and and then then she shegave gave it to itthe to thepound. pound. 10 10 thatthat the the Beatles Beatles stayed stayed right right here here in this in this hotel hotel one one time. time. And And it it Anyhow,Anyhow, by the by thetime time I grew I grew up, up,Beanie Beanie had had got gothis handshis hands on every on every scarredscarred Jojo Jojo for life.for life. last lastthing thing I was I was ever ever given. given. So oneSo one day, day, I decided I decided I’d collectI’d collect all all DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: Well,: Well, that’s that’s not notquite quite good good enough enough to have to have him him kindskinds of things of things the theBeanies Beanies of the of theworld world like liketo enjoy… to enjoy… but butI’d keep I’d keep declareddeclared incompetent. incompetent. themthem all in all my in ownmy own vault. vault. They’d They’d be mine—allbe mine—all mine! mine! Beanie Beanie would would CLARABELLCLARABELL: Well,: Well, now, now, he justhe justneeds needs a li’l a old li’l nudgeold nudge to go to overgo over the the 15 15 nevernever get getany anyof my of stuffmy stuff again! again! 15 15 edge,edge, right? right? MINXMINX: (In: tears.)(In tears.) I had I had a sister a sister like likethat! that! DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: Any: Any simple simple event event could could push push him him over over the the JINXJINX: Me,: Me, too! too! brink.brink. FINXFINX: (At: (Atthe thebox.) box.) And And look look at all at this all this Beatles Beatles memorabilia, memorabilia, Mr. Mr. CLARABELLCLARABELL: Supposin’: Supposin’ the theBeatles Beatles themselves themselves show show up? up? Mustard!Mustard! You You don’t don’t have have anything anything like likethis thisin your in your vault! vault! DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: What?: What? That’s That’s absurd! absurd! 20 MR.20 MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: (Awestruck,: (Awestruck, looking looking at items.) at items.) A perfect A perfect punctuation punctuation 20 20 : But: Butjust justwhat what if? What if? What if he if sawhe saw ’em ’emstandin’ standin’ there? there? pointpoint to my to collection,my collection, Finx! Finx! Let’s Let’s grab grab it— it— CLARABELLCLARABELL DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: He’d: He’d run runfrom from here here screaming screaming and and yelling yelling and and MINXMINX: Hold: Hold on! on! mightmight never never come come back! back! JINXJINX: Somebody’s: Somebody’s coming! coming! (He, (He, MINX MINX and and FINX FINX hang hang pictures pictures on on : I like: I likethe thesound sound of that! of that! wallwall just justas SGT. as SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA ENTERS ENTERS CENTER.) CENTER.) CLARABELLCLARABELL DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: But: ButI don’t I don’t see seehow how we canwe canget gethim himto think to think he’s he’s 25 SGT.25 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Say!: Say! How How come come you youdidn’t didn’t holler? holler? 25 25 seeingseeing the theBeatles. Beatles. MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Why,: Why, we justwe juststepped stepped in. Are in. Areyou youthe theproprietor? proprietor? CLARABELLCLARABELL: Why: Why don’t don’t you youjust justleave leave that that to li’l to ole li’l me,ole me, sugar. sugar. You You SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Proprietor?: Proprietor? I just I justown own the theplace. place. just justmake make sure sure you youshow show up hereup here with with your your straitjacket straitjacket at, let’sat, let’s MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Then: Then we’d we’d like likefour four rooms. rooms. say…say… midnight? midnight? SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: (Unsure.): (Unsure.) Yeah… Yeah… well, well, just just a minute. a minute. Eleanor! Eleanor! DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: What: What are areyou yougoing going to do? to do? 30 30 EleanorEleanor Digby! Digby! (Realizing (Realizing she’s she’s gone.) gone.) Oh, Oh, yeah… yeah… she she quit. quit. 30 CLARABELL30 CLARABELL: Never: Never you youmind. mind. The The less less you youknow, know, the thebetter. better. Go onGo on Well,Well, let melet mesee… see… (Moves (Moves to computer, to computer, but butcan’t can’t make make it work.) it work.) ’n’ git!’n’ git! I’m I’msupposed supposed to type to type something something in here, in here, but butit… it…it’s onit’s theon thefritz. fritz. : Midnight!: Midnight! (Slips (Slips OFF OFF LEFT LEFT as asCHEERIE, CHEERIE, (Looks(Looks through through piles piles of papers.)of papers.) Then Then you’re you’re supposed supposed to sign to sign DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT STRETCH,STRETCH, CLOVIS CLOVIS and and LIPPY LIPPY ENTER ENTER RIGHT. RIGHT. CLARABELL CLARABELL somethingsomething here… here… ducksducks BEHIND BEHIND the thedesk desk unseen.) unseen.) 35 MR.35 MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: We: Wecan cando thatdo that later, later, of course. of course. 35 CHEERIE35 CHEERIE: (Impressed.): (Impressed.) They They got gotposters posters everywhere! everywhere! SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Sure,: Sure, why why not? not? I’ll grab I’ll grab some some keys… keys… except except where where : They: They know know what what they’re they’re doin’! doin’! doesdoes she shehide hide those those little little things… things… (MR. (MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD points points to keys to keys STRETCHSTRETCH in mailboxes.)in mailboxes.) That’ll That’ll be thebe the keys! keys! (Grabs (Grabs four four keys keys from from four four CHEERIECHEERIE: And: And you youthink think I don’t? I don’t? mailboxes.)mailboxes.) C’mon C’mon this thisway. way. CLOVISCLOVIS: What: What are arewe doing,we doing, Cheerie? Cheerie? 40 MR.40 MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: I see: I seeyou youhave have some some Beatles Beatles items items on display.on display. Are Are CHEERIECHEERIE: We’re: We’re working working on ouron ourproject. project. they…they… genuine? genuine? 40 LIPPY40 LIPPY: Oh,: Oh,cool. cool. What What is it? is it?

24 24 25 25 CHEERIE,CHEERIE, STRETCH, STRETCH, CLOVIS CLOVIS and andLIPPY LIPPY wear wear modern modern skater/tough skater/tough kid clothing.kid clothing. In addition, In addition, CHEERIE CHEERIE and andSTRETCH STRETCH have have tattoos. tattoos. MICHELLE,MICHELLE, BRENDA, BRENDA, HILLARY HILLARY and andLIZZIE, LIZZIE, by contrast,by contrast, can canwear wear moremore preppy preppy outfits. outfits. JUDE JUDE should should dress dress in inclashing clashing colors colors and and patternspatterns with with perhaps perhaps two twodifferent different style style shoes shoes and andso on. so on. LIZZIELIZZIE wears wears clothes clothes similar similar to MICHELLE, to MICHELLE, BRENDA BRENDA and andHILLARY, HILLARY, but withbut with a maid’s a maid’s apron apron over over the top.the top. MINX,MINX, JINX JINX and andFINX FINX should should be dressed be dressed in all in black. all black. MR. MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD wearswears a suit a suitand andperhaps perhaps a cape. a cape. DETECTIVEDETECTIVE JOHNNY JOHNNY B. GOODE B. GOODE wears wears a trench a trench coat coat and and has has a a stylestyle like likeHumphrey Humphrey Bogart. Bogart. In ACT In ACT TWO, TWO, Scene Scene Three, Three, he has he hasa a bandagebandage on his on head,his head, a black a black eye eyeand andhis trenchhis trench coat coat is torn. is torn. ORDERLIESORDERLIES should should wear wear white white jackets. jackets. SpecialSpecial costumes: costumes: When When CHEERIE, CHEERIE, STRETCH, STRETCH, CLOVIS CLOVIS and andLIPPY LIPPY By ByCraig Craig Sodaro Sodaro are arethe theBeatles, Beatles, they they should should wear wear suits suits or ator least at least matching matching sports sports coatscoats buttoned buttoned up. up. They They should should wear wear Beatles Beatles wigs wigs and and sport sport the the necessarynecessary glasses glasses and andfacial facial hair hairto create to create a reasonable a reasonable approximation approximation of theof thegroup. group. When When the theFANS FANS (LUCY, (LUCY, HONEY, HONEY, JULIA, JULIA, MAGGIE MAGGIE AND AND © Copyright© Copyright 2005, 2005, Pioneer Pioneer Drama Drama Service, Service, Inc. Inc. SALLY)SALLY) change change into into60s 60scostumes, costumes, they they should should wear wear short short skirts, skirts, 60s 60s wigswigs (if available, (if available, or rat or their rat their hair hairup as up high as high as possible) as possible) and andwhatever whatever ProfessionalsProfessionals and andamateurs amateurs are herebyare hereby warned warned that thata royalty a royalty must must be paid be paidfor for otherother 60s 60saccessories accessories they they can canfind find such such as glasses,as glasses, scarves scarves and andso so everyevery performance, performance, whether whether or not or admissionnot admission is charged. is charged. All inquiries All inquiries regarding regarding on. Whenon. When JUDE JUDE dresses dresses as Dr. as SigmundDr. Sigmund Sligmund, Sligmund, he should he should wear wear a a rights—includingrights—including but not but limited not limited to amateur, to amateur, professional, professional, radio radio broadcast, broadcast, television, television, suit,suit, mustache mustache and andbeard beard (similar (similar to Freud’s). to Freud’s). cable,cable, motion motion picture, picture, live streaming, live streaming, public public reading, reading, and andtranslation translation into ainto foreign a foreign language—shouldlanguage—should be addressed be addressed to Pioneer to Pioneer Drama Drama Service, Service, Inc., Inc., PO Box PO Box 4267, 4267, Englewood,Englewood, CO 80155.CO 80155. SOUNDSOUND EFFECTS EFFECTS No performance,No performance, broadcast, broadcast, reading, reading, or presentation or presentation of any of kindany kindin whole in whole or in or in BeatlesBeatles tunes, tunes, phone phone ring, ring, clock clock striking striking midnight, midnight, “Twack!” “Twack!” (Eleanor (Eleanor part partmay maybe given be given without without permission permission from from Pioneer Pioneer Drama Drama Service. Service. knockingknocking out Doctorout Doctor Robert), Robert), Fire Fire alarm alarm TheseThese rights rights are fully are protectedfully protected under under the copyright the copyright laws lawsof the of United the United States States of America of America and ofand all of countries all countries covered covered by the by Universal the Universal Copyright Copyright Convention Convention or with or withwhich which the the UnitedUnited States States has reciprocalhas reciprocal copyright copyright relations, relations, including including Canada, Canada, Mexico, Mexico, Australia, Australia, and alland nations all nations of the of United the United Kingdom. Kingdom.

ONEONE SCRIPT SCRIPT PER PERCAST CAST MEMBER MEMBER MUST MUST BE PURCHASED BE PURCHASED FOR FOR PRODUCTION PRODUCTION RIGHTS.RIGHTS. PHOTOCOPYING, PHOTOCOPYING, REPRODUCING, REPRODUCING, OR DISTRIBUTING OR DISTRIBUTING ALL ALLOR ANY OR ANY PARTPART OF THIS OF THIS BOOK BOOK WITHOUT WITHOUT PERMISSION PERMISSION IS STRICTLY IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN FORBIDDEN BY LAW. BY LAW.

On allOn programs, all programs, printing, printing, and advertising,and advertising, the following the following infor mationinformation must must appear: appear: 1. The1. fullThe title: full title: The BeatlesThe Beatles Slept Slept Here Here 2. Writing2. Writing credit: credit: By Craig By Craig Sodaro Sodaro 3. Publication3. Publication notice: notice: “Produced “Produced by special by special arrangement arrangement with Pioneerwith Pioneer Drama Drama Service, Service, Denver, Denver, Colorado” Colorado”

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1 JUDE1 JUDE: I like: I likemonkeys. monkeys. 1 CLARABELL1 CLARABELL: Twenty-five: Twenty-five thousand thousand dollars? dollars? ELEANORELEANOR: Not: Not a fur-wearin’ a fur-wearin’ monkey monkey decked decked out out in a in bunch a bunch of of DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: I have: I have a reputation a reputation to think to think about. about. jewelry,jewelry, y’all! y’all! (CURTAIN.) (CURTAIN.) CLARABELLCLARABELL: Fifty: Fifty thousand? thousand? EndEnd of Scene of Scene One One DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: That: That pays pays my malpracticemy malpractice insurance insurance for afor year, a year, 5 5 and andthis thisis definitely is definitely malpractice. malpractice. ACTACT TWO TWO CLARABELLCLARABELL: What: What would would sweeten sweeten the deal?the deal? SceneScene Two Two DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: I want: I want three three percent percent of the of sale.the sale. LIGHTSLIGHTS UP: UP: A hallway A hallway in the in thePenny Penny Lane Lane Hotel, Hotel, played played before before the the CLARABELLCLARABELL: Three: Three percent! percent! That’s That’s highway highway robbery! robbery! 5 curtain.5 curtain. That That night. night. SGT. SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA ENTERS ENTERS RIGHT, RIGHT, looking looking behind behind DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: How: How else else will youwill youget onget Easy on Easy Street? Street? him him nervously. nervously. ELEANOR ELEANOR ENTERS ENTERS LEFT LEFT and and moves moves to him. to him. He He bumpsbumps into intoher. her. 10 CLARABELL10 CLARABELL: If: I Ifagree, I agree, you’ll you’ll say saymy mybrother’s brother’s loonier loonier than than a a madmad cow? cow? SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: What’re: What’re you youdoin’ doin’ slinkin’ slinkin’ around around the hallwaysthe hallways at this at this timetime of night? of night? DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: For: For three three percent, percent, I’ll say I’ll say Einstein Einstein was was a a crack-pot!crack-pot! 10 ELEANOR10 ELEANOR: Waiting: Waiting for you!for you! CLARABELLCLARABELL: Get: Getyourself yourself checked checked into intothis thishere here dump dump and andkeep keep SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Why?: Why? 15 15 youryour eyes eyes open! open! ELEANORELEANOR: (Worried.): (Worried.) Where Where have have you youbeen been all day? all day? DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: Whatever: Whatever you yousay, say, Ms. Ms.Little. Little. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Runnin’: Runnin’ from from that that flatfoot! flatfoot! Say… Say… I thought I thought I fired I fired CLARABELLCLARABELL: Doctor,: Doctor, you’re you’re almost almost as rotten as rotten as I asam! I am! you.you. DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: How: How come come you youand andyour your brother brother don’t don’t get along,get along, 15 ELEANOR15 ELEANOR: Somebody: Somebody had hadto stay to stay here here and andrun runthis thisplace. place. You You can can Ms. Ms.Little? Little? fire fireme tomorrow.me tomorrow. 20 CLARABELL20 CLARABELL: For: Forthe thesame same reason reason I couldn’t I couldn’t get getalong along with with any anyof of SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: It’s: aIt’s deal! a deal! my fivemy five husbands. husbands. They They just justdon’t don’t follow follow directions! directions! But youBut youwill, will, ELEANORELEANOR: For: Fornow, now, you’d you’d better better hide! hide! That That detective detective doesn’t doesn’t seem seem won’twon’t you, you, Doctor? Doctor? (CURTAIN.) (CURTAIN.) like likehe’s he’s going going to give to give up easily. up easily. EndEnd of Scene of Scene One One 20 SGT.20 SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Don’t: Don’t worry worry about about him! him! While While he was he was chasin’ chasin’ me, me,he he fell intofell intothe riverthe river and andhad hadto swim to swim out, out,then then he ran he ransmack-dab smack-dab into into ACTACT ONE ONE a stopa stop sign. sign. SceneScene Two Two ELEANORELEANOR: He: mustHe must have have trouble trouble reading. reading. LIGHTSLIGHTS UP: UP: The The street street in front in front of the of the Penny Penny Lane Lane Hotel, Hotel, played played SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: And: And he finallyhe finally stepped stepped on onMrs. Mrs.Geery’s Geery’s dog’s dog’s tail, tail, beforebefore the thecurtain. curtain. The The following following afternoon. afternoon. MICHELLE, MICHELLE, LIZZIE LIZZIE and and 25 25 and andit bit it him bit himlike likea pork a pork chop! chop! 25 BRENDA25 BRENDA ENTER ENTER LEFT. LEFT. ELEANORELEANOR: She: She has hasa poodle! a poodle! LIZZIELIZZIE: I don’t: I don’t know, know, Michelle. Michelle. It sounds It sounds like likea crime a crime or something! or something! SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Yeah,: Yeah, well, well, you you haven’t haven’t seen seen anything anything ’til you’ve ’til you’ve (Begins(Begins to cry.) to cry.) seenseen a mad a mad poodle! poodle! The The last lastI saw I saw of General of General Goodie Goodie Goode, Goode, he he MICHELLEMICHELLE: Look,: Look, Lizzie… Lizzie… you youwent went to the to thehospital hospital last lastnight, night, right? right? waswas headin’ headin’ to the to hospitalthe hospital in an in ambulance. an ambulance. AndAnd you youhad hadto bring to bring all kinds all kinds of stuff of stuff for Austin for Austin to do, to right?do, right? 30 ELEANOR30 ELEANOR: That: That takes takes care care of him, of him, but butSgt. Sgt. Paprika… Paprika… there’s there’s still still 30 LIZZIE30 LIZZIE: It was: It was heavy heavy and andI dropped I dropped a puzzle a puzzle and andall the all piecesthe pieces fell intofell into ClarabellClarabell you’ve you’ve got togot worry to worry about. about. the gutterthe gutter and andI tried I tried to pick to pick them them up, butup, Ibut don’t I don’t think think I got I Shrek’sgot Shrek’s SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Oh,: Oh,she’s she’s nothin’ nothin’ but abut big a huffbig huffand andpuff! puff! nosenose or Donkey’s or Donkey’s tail! tail! ELEANORELEANOR: But: Butshe sheand andthat thatdoctor— doctor— BRENDABRENDA: If you: If youhelp help us with us with our ourproject, project, moms moms and anddads— dads— SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: Look,: Look, I don’t I don’t got gottime time to worry to worry about about them! them! I’ve I’vegot got MICHELLEMICHELLE: And: And cousins! cousins! 35 35 to clearto clear my name.my name. 35 BRENDA35 BRENDA: —won’t: —won’t have have to drag to drag all that all thatstuff. stuff. There’ll There’ll be lotsbe lotsof toys of toys ELEANORELEANOR: How: How are areyou yougoing going to do to that? do that? and andpuzzles puzzles and andgames games for thefor kidsthe kids at the at hospital.the hospital.

38 38 11 11 RIGHTSRIGHTS MUST MUST BE PURCHASED BE PURCHASED BEFORE BEFORE REPRODUCING REPRODUCING THIS THIS SCRIPT SCRIPT For Preview Only ONSTAGE,ONSTAGE, ACT ACT TWO, TWO, Scene Scene One: One: Same Same as ACT as ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene One, One, but butthere there is crime is crime scene scene tape tape around around the thetable table area area and and a key a keyin in one of the mailboxes. THETHE BEATLES BEATLES SLEPT SLEPT HERE HERE one of the mailboxes. BROUGHTBROUGHT ON, ON, ACT ACT TWO, TWO, Scene Scene One: One: By CRAIGBy CRAIG SODARO SODARO HandkerchiefsHandkerchiefs (LUCY, (LUCY, HONEY, HONEY, JULIA, JULIA, SALLY, SALLY, MAGGIE) MAGGIE) CarrotCarrot sticks, sticks, notebook, notebook, pen, pen, Tootsie Tootsie Pop Pop wrapper, wrapper, bag bag of Tootsie of Tootsie CASTCAST OF OFCHARACTERS CHARACTERS PopsPops (GOODE) (GOODE) Plastic zip-lock bag (LIZZIE) (In Order(In Order of Speaking) of Speaking) Plastic zip-lock bag (LIZZIE) BusinessBusiness card, card, milkshake milkshake with with straw straw (CLARABELL) (CLARABELL) # of lines # of lines MoneyMoney box box (JUDE) (JUDE) ELEANORELEANOR DIGBY DIGBY ...... early ...... early 50s, 50s, longtime longtime auditor auditor at at 163163 RaffleRaffle posters posters (HILLARY, (HILLARY, MICHELLE) MICHELLE) the thehotel hotel CanCan stuffed stuffed with with raffle raffle tickets tickets (BRENDA) (BRENDA) SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA ...... 55, ...... 55, crusty crusty hotel hotel owner owner 130130 TootsieTootsie Pops Pops (JINX, (JINX, MINX, MINX, FINX) FINX) LIZZIELIZZIE BELMONT BELMONT ...... 18, ...... 18, teary-eyed teary-eyed hotel hotel maid maid 78 78 NapkinNapkin (MR. (MR. MUSTARD) MUSTARD) HILLARYHILLARY ...... high ...... high school school senior senior 51 51 BROUGHTBROUGHT ON, ON, ACT ACT TWO, TWO, Scene Scene Two: Two: BRENDABRENDA ...... another ...... another 60 60 TootsieTootsie Pops Pops and and wrappers wrappers (JINX, (JINX, MINX, MINX, FINX) FINX) AutographAutograph books books and and cameras cameras (FANS) (FANS) JUDEJUDE ...... another ...... another 57 57 LegalLegal papers papers (CLARABELL) (CLARABELL) MICHELLE...... anotherMICHELLE...... another 100100 ONSTAGE,ONSTAGE, ACT ACT TWO, TWO, Scene Scene Three: Three: Same Same as ACT as ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene CLARABELLCLARABELL LITTLE LITTLE ...... 40s, ...... 40s, Paprika’s Paprika’s younger younger sister sister 92 92 One,One, raffle raffle tickets tickets can, can, the theillegal illegal art (“Theart (“The Scream” Scream” poster poster and and DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT ...... 30s, ...... 30s, a scheming a scheming psychologist psychologist 43 43 others)others) are arestill stillbehind behind the theoriginal original hotel hotel posters posters CHEERIE...... highCHEERIE...... high school school senior senior boy boy 26 26 BROUGHTBROUGHT ON, ON, ACT ACT TWO, TWO, Scene Scene Three: Three: STRETCHSTRETCH ...... another ...... another 19 19 BeatlesBeatles posters, posters, decorations decorations (MICHELLE, (MICHELLE, BRENDA, BRENDA, HILLARY, HILLARY, CLOVISCLOVIS ...... another ...... another 14 14 LIZZIE)LIZZIE) MoneyMoney (GOODE, (GOODE, CLARABELLE) CLARABELLE) LIPPYLIPPY ...... another ...... another 16 16 DuctDuct tape tape (MINX) (MINX) MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD ...... 40s, ...... 40s, a sophisticated a sophisticated thief thief 44 44 CellCell phone phone (CLARABELL) (CLARABELL) MINXMINX ...... part ...... part of Mr. of Mr.Mustard’s Mustard’s gang gang 24 24 ButterflyButterfly nets nets (ORDERLIES) (ORDERLIES) JINXJINX ...... another ...... another 19 19 Notebook,Notebook, pencil pencil (JUDE) (JUDE) FINXFINX ...... another ...... another 16 16 SuitcaseSuitcase (FINX) (FINX) Doughnuts,Doughnuts, stolen stolen art (GOODE)art (GOODE) LUCYLUCY LAWSON...... 50s, LAWSON...... 50s, a Beatles a Beatles fan fan 28 28 HONEY ...... another 23 HONEY ...... another 23 COSTUMESCOSTUMES JULIA ...... another 21 JULIA ...... another 21 BasicBasic costume costume for allfor characters all characters is modern is modern dress. dress. MAGGIE ...... another 20 MAGGIE ...... another 20 SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA should should wear wear overalls overalls and and a bright a bright flannel flannel shirt. shirt. SALLYSALLY ...... another ...... another 18 18 ELEANORELEANOR dresses dresses in conservative in conservative attire attire and and in ACT in ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene DETECTIVEDETECTIVE JOHNNY JOHNNY B. B. Three,Three, wears wears a coat. a coat. GOODEGOODE ...... 30s, ...... 30s, a policeman a policeman 69 69 CLARABELLCLARABELL wears wears a fur a coat,fur coat, lots lots of jewelry of jewelry and and anything anything else else to to ORDERLYORDERLY ONE ONE ...... from ...... from Happy Happy Acres Acres 5 5 makemake her herlook look ostentatious. ostentatious. ORDERLYORDERLY TWO TWO ...... from ...... from Happy Happy Acres Acres 4 4 DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT wears wears glasses glasses and and a trench a trench coat, coat, though though he canhe can just wear a suit once he’s inside the hotel. In ACT TWO, he will NOTE:NOTE: The The parts parts of MINX, of MINX, JINX, JINX, FINX FINX and and the theORDERLIES ORDERLIES can can be be just wear a suit once he’s inside the hotel. In ACT TWO, he will have a milkshake mustache. playedplayed by eitherby either male male or female or female actors. actors. have a milkshake mustache.

ii ii 51 51 RIGHTSRIGHTS MUST MUST BE PURCHASED BE PURCHASED BEFORE BEFORE REPRODUCING REPRODUCING THIS THIS SCRIPT SCRIPT

1 LIZZIE1 LIZZIE: I know: I know that, that, but youbut you want want me to…me to… to… to… break break and and enter! enter! (Bursts (Bursts 1 LIZZIE1 LIZZIE: (Also: (Also following following them them OUT OUT RIGHT.) RIGHT.) He He won’t won’t catch catch you! you! intointo tears. tears. BRENDA BRENDA and and MICHELLE MICHELLE look look about about cautiously.) cautiously.) (They’re(They’re OUT. OUT. CLARABELL CLARABELL and and DOCTOR DOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT ENTER ENTER MICHELLEMICHELLE: You: You don’t don’t have have to break to break anything! anything! LEFT.LEFT. CLARABELL CLARABELL is stillis stillsipping sipping a milkshake a milkshake noisily noisily through through straw. DOCTOR ROBERT has a milkshake mustache.) BRENDABRENDA: And: And as faras asfar enteringas entering goes, goes, you’re you’re already already inside, inside, right? right? straw. DOCTOR ROBERT has a milkshake mustache.) 5 DOCTOR5 ROBERT: That: That was was one one great great shake! shake! 5 MICHELLE5 MICHELLE: So: howSo how could could it be it breakingbe breaking and and entering? entering? DOCTOR ROBERT CLARABELL: (Looking right as if out a window.) Oh, my! Isn’t that BRENDABRENDA: It’s: justIt’s justa strong a strong case case of… of… curiosity. curiosity. CLARABELL: (Looking right as if out a window.) Oh, my! Isn’t that JojoJojo running running down down the thestreet street with with that that detective detective chasing chasing him? him? LIZZIELIZZIE: Yeah,: Yeah, but butlook look at what at what curiosity curiosity did didto the to thecat! cat! DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: Why,: Why, it sure it sure is! is! MICHELLEMICHELLE: That’s: That’s just justa stupid a stupid old oldwives’ wives’ tale. tale. CLARABELLCLARABELL: How: How soon soon can can you you get get those those orderlies orderlies from from Happy Happy BRENDA: Yeah…: Yeah… and and who who listens listens to old to oldwives wives anymore? anymore? Especially Especially BRENDA 10 10 AcresAcres here? here? 10 10 stupidstupid ones. ones. DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: Tonight.: Tonight. LIZZIELIZZIE: You’re: You’re sure sure I won’t I won’t be doingbe doing anything anything wrong? wrong? CLARABELLCLARABELL: I’m: I’mcallin’ callin’ my mylawyers lawyers and and gettin’ gettin’ those those papers papers sellin’ sellin’ MICHELLE: Is: it Iswrong it wrong to help to help the thekids kids at the at thehospital? hospital? MICHELLE this thisplace place together together lickety-split! lickety-split! LIZZIELIZZIE: Well,: Well, no, no,of course of course not. not. DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: And: And don’t don’t forget forget to cut to cutme mea check. a check. BRENDABRENDA: There,: There, you you see? see? 15 CLARABELL15 CLARABELL: Oh,: Oh, now, now, sweet sweet pea, pea, I wouldn’t I wouldn’t think think about about forgettin’ forgettin’ 15 MICHELLE15 MICHELLE: All: you’veAll you’ve got gotto do to isdo find is find the theold oldhotel hotel register register books. books. y’all.y’all. (DOCTOR (DOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT EXITS EXITS CENTER.) CENTER.) Would Would I? (Winks I? (Winks at at LIZZIELIZZIE: Hotel: Hotel register register books. books. Got Got it. it. AUDIENCE,AUDIENCE, then then EXITS EXITS LEFT LEFT as MICHELLE,as MICHELLE, JUDE, JUDE, HILLARY HILLARY MICHELLEMICHELLE: Find: Find the theone one for 1964.for 1964. andand BRENDA BRENDA ENTER ENTER CENTER.) CENTER.) BRENDABRENDA: That’s: That’s when when the theBeatles Beatles made made their their first first tour tour of the of theU.S. U.S. MICHELLEMICHELLE: What: What was was all that all that shouting shouting about? about? MICHELLEMICHELLE: On: theOn theInternet Internet it said it said they they were were in this in thisarea area sometime sometime in in 20 HILLARY20 HILLARY: I think: I think that that cop cop was was after after Sgt. Sgt. Paprika. Paprika. 20 20 AugustAugust of that of that year. year. JUDEJUDE: (Looking: (Looking RIGHT.) RIGHT.) And And he hestill still is! (ELEANOR is! (ELEANOR and and LIZZIE LIZZIE LIZZIELIZZIE: August.: August. ENTERENTER RIGHT, RIGHT, out outof breath.) of breath.) BRENDABRENDA: The: The register register will willbe signedbe signed John, John, Paul, Paul, George, George, and— and— LIZZIELIZZIE: What’ll: What’ll we do,we do,Miss Miss Digby? Digby? BRENDA/MICHELLEBRENDA/MICHELLE: Ringo!: Ringo! ELEANORELEANOR: I don’t: I don’t know! know! I just I justdon’t don’t know! know! LIZZIELIZZIE: Who: Who are arethey? they? 25 BRENDA25 BRENDA: What’s: What’s going going on? on? 25 MICHELLE25 MICHELLE: The: The Beatles, Beatles, dummy! dummy! LIZZIELIZZIE: That: That cop cop thinks thinks Sgt. Sgt. Paprika Paprika stole stole the thethings things from from the thetable. table. LIZZIELIZZIE: :(Cries (Cries again.) again.) Don’t Don’t call call me me dummy! dummy! (CHEERIE (CHEERIE and and MICHELLEMICHELLE: That’s: That’s crazy! crazy! Sgt. Sgt. Paprika Paprika hates hates the theBeatles! Beatles! STRETCHSTRETCH ENTER ENTER RIGHT. RIGHT. They They are aredressed dressed as toughs,as toughs, with with BRENDABRENDA: Unless: Unless he’s he’s gone gone a little a little cuckoo! cuckoo! sleevelesssleeveless shirts. shirts. They They sport sport large large tattoos tattoos on theiron their DOWNSTAGE DOWNSTAGE ELEANORELEANOR: Not: Noton youron your life. life.(Puts (Puts her herarm arm around around JUDE, JUDE, walks walks him him arms.arms. They’re They’re followed followed by CLOVISby CLOVIS and and LIPPY. LIPPY. They They don’t don’t have have 30 30 DOWNSTAGEDOWNSTAGE out outof earshot of earshot of the of theOTHERS, OTHERS, who who continue continue an an 30 30 tattoos,tattoos, but butare aredressed dressed similarly.) similarly.) animatedanimated conversation.) conversation.) Hey, Hey, Jude— Jude— CHEERIECHEERIE: Well,: Well, what’ve what’ve we gotwe gotgoing going here? here? JUDEJUDE: S’up?: S’up? STRETCHSTRETCH: The: The three three mousekateers! mousekateers! ELEANORELEANOR: Got: Got any any big bigplans plans for tonight?for tonight? CLOVISCLOVIS: Looks: Looks more more like likethe thethree three blind blind mice. mice. JUDEJUDE: (Embarrassed.): (Embarrassed.) Oh, Oh, wow, wow, like, like, I’m I’mtotally totally not notinto into dating dating older older LIPPYLIPPY: How: How come come you’re you’re not notin the in thelibrary library doin’ doin’ homework? homework? 35 35 women,women, Miss Miss Digby. Digby. 35 MICHELLE35 MICHELLE: (Cold.): (Cold.) We’re We’re glad glad to see to see you, you, too, too, Cheerie Cheerie and and crew. crew. ELEANORELEANOR: I was: I was thinking thinking more more about about a job. a job. BRENDABRENDA: (Indignant.): (Indignant.) And And we arewe aredoing doing homework! homework! JUDEJUDE: What: What kind kind of job? of job? MICHELLEMICHELLE: We’re: We’re working working on ouron ourservice service learning learning project. project. ELEANORELEANOR: The: The kind kind that’ll that’ll get getthe themonkey monkey off Sgt.off Sgt. Paprika’s Paprika’s back, back, CHEERIECHEERIE: Well,: Well, if that if that ain’t ain’t special! special! so toso speak. to speak.

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For Preview Only PRODUCTIONPRODUCTION NOTES NOTES SETTINGSETTING TheThe play play is set is set in the in the lobby lobby of the of the Penny Penny Lane Lane Hotel Hotel located located in a in a PROPERTIESPROPERTIES mid-Atlanticmid-Atlantic city. city. DOWN DOWN RIGHT RIGHT leads leads to the to the outside, outside, and and DOWN DOWN ONSTAGE,ONSTAGE, ACT ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene One: One: Lobby Lobby desk desk high high enough enough to hide to hide LEFTLEFT leads leads to a to café a café adjacent adjacent to the to thehotel hotel lobby. lobby. CENTER CENTER leads leads to to a persona person sitting sitting on theon thefloor floor behind behind with witha computer, a computer, hotel hotel room room the the rooms. rooms. Ideally, Ideally, there there are are several several steps steps leading leading up to up this to this EXIT EXIT mailboxes,mailboxes, long long narrow narrow table table with with a lamp, a lamp, fruit fruitbowl bowl and andvase vase of of withwith a landing a landing at the at thetop. top.A lobby A lobby desk desk with with a computer a computer is UP is UPLEFT LEFT flowersflowers on it, on small it, small desk desk with witha telephone, a telephone, posters posters of 60s of 60sand and70s 70s withwith mailboxes mailboxes behind behind it. Desk it. Desk should should be highbe high enough enough so a so character a character rockrock stars stars (excluding (excluding the theBeatles), Beatles), a CD a CDplayer player playing playing Beatles’ Beatles’ sittingsitting behind behind the thedesk desk can’t can’t be seenbe seen by theby theaudience. audience. UP UPRIGHT RIGHT a a tunes,tunes, a broom a broom hidden hidden behind behind the desk;the desk; jacket jacket long,long, narrow narrow table table that thatat the at thebeginning beginning of the of theplay play holds holds a lamp a lamp and and BROUGHTBROUGHT ON, ON, ACT ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene One: One: variousvarious decorations decorations such such as aas fruit a fruitbowl, bowl, vase vase of flowers of flowers and andso on.so on. FeatherFeather duster duster (ELEANOR) (ELEANOR) ChairsChairs are are grouped grouped around around a small a small table table CENTER CENTER RIGHT. RIGHT. DOWN DOWN Mop,Mop, bucket, bucket, jacket jacket (LIZZIE) (LIZZIE) LEFTLEFT is a isdesk a desk with with a telephone a telephone and anda CD a CDplayer player on it. on The it. The hotel hotel lobby lobby is decoratedis decorated with with posters posters advertising advertising concerts concerts of various of various 60s 60sand and70s 70s BROUGHTBROUGHT ON, ON, ACT ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene Two: Two: bands and solo artists, such as Janis Joplin, The Who, the Rolling PosterPoster (“Spend (“Spend a Night a Night Where Where the the Beatles Beatles Slept, Slept, Changes Changes $1 $1 bands and solo artists, such as Janis Joplin, The Who, the Rolling Stones and so on. Conspicuously absent, however, are any posters or 4or for 4 $5”)for $5”) in bright, in bright, psychedelic psychedelic colors colors and andstyle, style, two tworolls rolls Stones and so on. Conspicuously absent, however, are any posters of ticketsof tickets (or (oruse use an envelopean envelope stuffed stuffed with with cut-up cut-up paper) paper) of theof Beatles.the Beatles. (HILLARY)(HILLARY) TwoTwo short short scenes scenes take take place place outside outside of the of thehotel hotel lobby—one lobby—one across across StaplerStapler (JUDE) (JUDE) the the street street and and one one in a in hallway a hallway of the of the hotel—but hotel—but these these are are played played MoneyMoney (MR. (MR. MUSTARD) MUSTARD) beforebefore the curtainthe curtain and andrequire require no additional no additional setting. setting. TootsieTootsie Pops Pops (with (with wrappers) wrappers) (MR. (MR. MUSTARD, MUSTARD, JINX, JINX, MINX, MINX, FINX)FINX) SYNOPSISSYNOPSIS OF SCENESOF SCENES ONSTAGE,ONSTAGE, ACT ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene Three: Three: Same Same as ACT as ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene One One withwith the additionthe addition of piles of piles of papers of papers on theon lobbythe lobby desk, desk, keys keys inside inside ACTACT ONE ONE fourfour of the of mailboxes.the mailboxes. SceneScene One: One: A February A February morning morning in the in thelobby lobby of the of thePenny Penny Lane Lane BROUGHTBROUGHT ON, ON, ACT ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene Three: Three: Hotel.Hotel. RaffleRaffle posters, posters, masking masking tape tape (ELEANOR, (ELEANOR, LUCY) LUCY) SceneScene Two: Two: A street A street in front in front of the of hotel,the hotel, played played before before the curtain.the curtain. HandfulHandful of ripped of ripped raffle raffle posters posters (SGT. (SGT. PAPRIKA) PAPRIKA) TheThe next next afternoon. afternoon. SuitcasesSuitcases (LUCY, (LUCY, HONEY, HONEY, JULIA, JULIA, MAGGIE, MAGGIE, SALLY) SALLY) SceneScene Three: Three: The Thehotel hotel lobby, lobby, several several days days later. later. Kite,Kite, paperback paperback book book (MAGGIE) (MAGGIE) Set Setof keys of keys on a on rainbow a rainbow key keyring, ring, rubber rubber snake snake (HONEY) (HONEY) ACTACT TWO TWO Wire rimmed, tinted glasses (like John Lennon’s), piece of wood Wire rimmed, tinted glasses (like John Lennon’s), piece of wood SceneScene One: One: The Thehotel hotel lobby, lobby, the followingthe following afternoon. afternoon. (JULIA)(JULIA) MapMap of Strawberry of Strawberry Fields, Fields, hanky hanky (SALLY) (SALLY) SceneScene Two: Two: A hallway A hallway in the in thehotel, hotel, that thatnight, night, played played before before the the MagicalMagical Mystery Mystery Tour Tour ticket, ticket, stuffed stuffed walrus walrus (LUCY) (LUCY) curtain.curtain. HotelHotel registery registery book, book, box boxwith with towel(s), towel(s), ashtray, ashtray, “Do “DoNot NotDisturb” Disturb” SceneScene Three: Three: The Thehotel hotel lobby, lobby, ten minutesten minutes later. later. sign,sign, pillow pillow case, case, all autographed all autographed by the by Beatles.the Beatles. (LIZZIE) (LIZZIE) JacketJacket (ELEANOR) (ELEANOR) Flip Flipcell cellphones phones (CLARABELL, (CLARABELL, DOCTOR DOCTOR ROBERT) ROBERT) NotebookNotebook and andpencil pencil (DOCTOR (DOCTOR ROBERT) ROBERT) ThreeThree cardboard cardboard tubes tubes holding holding prints prints of famous of famous paintings, paintings, one one mustmust be a be print a print of Munch’s of Munch’s “The “The Scream,” Scream,” flashlights, flashlights, bag bag (MINX,(MINX, JINX, JINX, FINX) FINX) GlassGlass of milk of milk (SGT. (SGT. PAPRIKA) PAPRIKA)

50 50 iii iii RIGHTSRIGHTS MUST MUST BE PURCHASED BE PURCHASED BEFORE BEFORE REPRODUCING REPRODUCING THIS THIS SCRIPT SCRIPT

1 JULIA1 JULIA: (Awestruck.): (Awestruck.) The The Beatles… Beatles… here! here! 1 LIZZIE1 LIZZIE: Are: Areyou youworking working on yours, on yours, too? too? MAGGIEMAGGIE: But: Buthow? how? STRETCHSTRETCH: Yeah.: Yeah. About About this thismuch! much! (Holds (Holds up hisup fingershis fingers separated separated SALLYSALLY: It doesn’t: It doesn’t matter, matter, does does it? it? by aby fraction a fraction of an of inch.) an inch.) LUCYLUCY: Girls!: Girls! Have Have we forgottenwe forgotten what what day daythis thisis? is? MICHELLEMICHELLE: You: You won’t won’t graduate graduate if you if youdon’t don’t get itget done. it done. 5 HONEY5 HONEY: Oh,: Oh,Lucy, Lucy, you’re you’re right! right! 5 CLOVIS5 CLOVIS: (Sarcastic.): (Sarcastic.) Oh, Oh, no! no! If I If don’t I don’t graduate, graduate, I won’t I won’t get get into into Harvard! MAGGIEMAGGIE: February: February 18. 18. Harvard! : Awwwwwww! And there goes my scholarship to Stanford! SALLYSALLY: The: The day daythe theBeatles Beatles were were on theon theEd SullivanEd Sullivan Show Show for thefor the LIPPYLIPPY: Awwwwwww! And there goes my scholarship to Stanford! firstfirst time! time! CHEERIECHEERIE: I: guess I guess you you won’t won’t get get to learn to learn how how to do to do brain brain surgery, Lippy! JULIAJULIA: I could: I could just justcry! cry! surgery, Lippy! 10 10 : You: You could could always always end end up doing up doing tattoos. tattoos. Those Those are are real real 10 LUCY10 LUCY: And: And here here we are…we are… right right where where they they actually actually slept! slept! The The stars stars BRENDABRENDA are arein perfect in perfect alignment! alignment! nice,nice, Stretch. Stretch. : (Shows off his tattoos.) Like that? It’s a snake! HONEYHONEY: Maybe…: Maybe… maybe… maybe… STRETCHSTRETCH: (Shows off his tattoos.) Like that? It’s a snake! : I thought it was your girlfriend. SALLYSALLY: What,: What, Honey? Honey? MICHELLEMICHELLE: I thought it was your girlfriend. : (Terrified.) I hate snakes! HONEYHONEY: Maybe: Maybe they they took took their their things things back! back! (A gasp(A gasp from from all all LIZZIELIZZIE: (Terrified.) I hate snakes! 15 15 the theFANS.) FANS.) 15 CHEERIE15 CHEERIE: We: Wehad had’em ’emput onput just on justto scare to scare whimps whimps like likeyou! you! LUCYLUCY: Why: Why not? not? CLOVISCLOVIS: But: Butthey they aren’t aren’t permanent. permanent. MAGGIEMAGGIE: They’ve: They’ve missed missed them them so much… so much… CHEERIECHEERIE: Shut: Shut your your face, face, Clovis! Clovis! JULIAJULIA: They’re: They’re stepping stepping back back in time! in time! MICHELLEMICHELLE: Oh,: Oh,they’re they’re henna henna tattoos. tattoos. LUCYLUCY: And: And so shall so shall we! we!Come, Come, ladies! ladies! I mean… I mean… girls! girls! STRETCHSTRETCH: No,: No,I told I toldyou youit was it was a snake! a snake! And And Cheerie’s Cheerie’s mom mom would would 20 20 kill himkill himif he if came he came home home with with something something permanent permanent like likethat. that. 20 HONEY20 HONEY: Where: Where are arewe going?we going? : Yours wouldn’t exactly celebrate, Stretch. C’mon, guys. LUCYLUCY: If the: If Beatlesthe Beatles are arecoming coming back back tonight… tonight… this thisfan clubfan club is going is going CHEERIECHEERIE: Yours wouldn’t exactly celebrate, Stretch. C’mon, guys. to beto readybe ready for them!for them! (She, (She, HONEY, HONEY, JULIA, JULIA, MAGGIE MAGGIE and andSALLY SALLY Let’sLet’s go get go ourget ourproject project rolling. rolling. EXITEXIT RIGHT. RIGHT. A moment A moment later, later, GOODE GOODE ENTERS ENTERS CENTER CENTER holding holding CLOVISCLOVIS: I thought: I thought we weren’twe weren’t gonna gonna do a do project. a project. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA by theby thecollar collar with with one onehand hand and anda bag a bagof Tootsie of Tootsie LIPPYLIPPY: Yeah!: Yeah! You You said said we’re we’re too lazy!too lazy! 25 25 PopsPops in the in other.the other. LIZZIE LIZZIE and andELEANOR ELEANOR follow follow them them ON.) ON.) 25 CHEERIE25 CHEERIE: C’mon!: C’mon! This This is gonna is gonna be abe team a team effort, effort, and and you’re you’re on on GOODEGOODE: I’m: haulin’I’m haulin’ you youin, Sgt. in, Sgt. Paprika! Paprika! the theteam. team. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: On: whatOn what charge? charge? LIPPYLIPPY: Since: Since when? when? GOODEGOODE: Possession: Possession of Tootsie of Tootsie Pops! Pops! STRETCHSTRETCH: Since: Since now! now! ELEANORELEANOR: That’s: That’s ridiculous! ridiculous! MICHELLEMICHELLE: What: What are areyou youdoing doing for yourfor your project? project? 30 GOODE30 GOODE: Not: Notwhen when one oneof the of majorthe major clues clues is a isTootsie a Tootsie Pop Pop wrapper! wrapper! 30 CHEERIE30 CHEERIE: (Sarcastic.): (Sarcastic.) Gettin’ Gettin’ new new cue cuesticks sticks for thefor thepool pool hall. hall. How How LIZZIELIZZIE: But: Butwhat what about about the hairthe hairand andmakeup? makeup? aboutabout you? you? GOODEGOODE: I didn’t: I didn’t find find them them in his in room…his room… but I butdid I finddid find a bag a ofbag Tootsie of Tootsie BRENDABRENDA: We’re: We’re buying buying toys toys and andgames games and andthings things for kidsfor kids when when Pops,Pops, and andthat thatspells spells G-U-L-T-Y! G-U-L-T-Y! they’rethey’re in the in hospital.the hospital. ELEANORELEANOR: Detective,: Detective, you you can’t can’t even even spell! spell! (An (Anelbow elbow jab jabto to CLOVISCLOVIS: (Sarcastic.): (Sarcastic.) Awwwwww! Awwwwww! That That is sooooo is sooooo sweet! sweet! 35 35 GOODEGOODE from from SGT. SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA frees frees SGT. SGT. PAPRIKA, PAPRIKA, who who runs runs 35 LIPPY35 LIPPY: Yeah…: Yeah… and andwhen when they they get getbetter, better, they they can canuse useour ourcues cues to to OFFOFF RIGHT.) RIGHT.) shootshoot pool! pool! GOODEGOODE: Why,: Why, you youold coot!old coot! Get Getback back here! here! (Runs (Runs OFF OFF RIGHT.) RIGHT.) STRETCHSTRETCH: Keep: Keep cool, cool, cats! cats! (He (Heand andCHEERIE CHEERIE EXIT EXIT LEFT. LEFT. CLOVIS CLOVIS ELEANORELEANOR: (Following: (Following him himOFF OFF RIGHT.) RIGHT.) Run, Run, Sgt. Sgt. Paprika! Paprika! Run! Run! and andLIPPY LIPPY follow follow them them OFF.) OFF.) BRENDABRENDA: I wonder: I wonder what what they’re they’re really really up to! up to!

36 36 13 13

For Preview Only The Beatles Slept Here - Set Design The Beatles Slept Here - Set Design 1 MAGGIE1 MAGGIE: And: And me! me! HONEYHONEY: Please!: Please! Let Letus stayus stay with with you! you! SALLYSALLY: We: Wewon’t won’t make make much much noise! noise! JULIAJULIA: And: And we wecan can listen listen to Beatlesto Beatles songs songs all nightall night long! long! (GOODE (GOODE 5 5 screamsscreams and and runs runs OFF OFF RIGHT. RIGHT. ELEANOR ELEANOR snaps snaps on CDon CDplayer. player. CHEERIE,CHEERIE, STRETCH, STRETCH, CLOVIS CLOVIS and and LIPPY LIPPY lip-synch lip-synch a Beatles a Beatles songsong as ALLas ALL begin begin to dance. to dance. CURTAIN.) CURTAIN.) ENDEND OF OFPLAY PLAY

iv iv 49 49

1 MICHELLE1 MICHELLE: Probably: Probably getting getting cues cues for thefor thepool pool hall! hall! 1 BRENDA1 BRENDA: Somebody: Somebody stole stole the theBeatles Beatles souvenirs! souvenirs! LIZZIELIZZIE: I…: I…I gotta I gotta get getto work, to work, guys. guys. MICHELLEMICHELLE: We’d: We’d better better hide hide the themoney money or it’ll or beit’ll next!be next! MICHELLEMICHELLE: Remember,: Remember, Lizzie? Lizzie? HILLARYHILLARY: We: We can can put put it in it the in the safe. safe. (She (She and and MICHELLE MICHELLE move move LIZZIELIZZIE: 1964.: 1964. July. July. BEHINDBEHIND desk.) desk.) 5 MICHELLE5 MICHELLE: August!: August! 5 MICHELLE5 MICHELLE: Good: Good idea! idea! LIZZIELIZZIE: Well,: Well, I knew I knew it was it was hot, hot, okay? okay? (Races (Races OFF OFF LEFT LEFT as JUDEas JUDE BRENDABRENDA: Better: Better safe safe than than sorry. sorry. andand HILLARY HILLARY ENTER ENTER RIGHT.) RIGHT.) JUDEJUDE: Like,: Like, that that was was radical, radical, Brenda. Brenda. JUDEJUDE: Hey,: Hey, guys! guys! Like, Like, these these are aretotally totally rad! rad! (HILLARY (HILLARY holds holds up aup a MICHELLEMICHELLE: (“Closing”: (“Closing” safe.) safe.)There!There! Now, Now, let’s let’s go outgo outand and sell sell some some posterposter done done in veryin very psychedelic psychedelic colors colors and and designs designs that that reads, reads, more!more! 10 10 “Spend“Spend a Night a Night Where Where the theBeatles Beatles Slept! Slept! Raffle Raffle Tickets Tickets $1 or$1 4or 4 10 BRENDA10 BRENDA: Wait!: Wait! Couldn’t Couldn’t we… we… maybe… maybe… take take a peak a peak at Room at Room 8? 8? for $5.”) for $5.”) HILLARYHILLARY: Yeah!: Yeah! Just Just to see to see where where they they slept? slept? : Isn’t this just the greatest thing you’ve ever seen? HILLARYHILLARY: Isn’t this just the greatest thing you’ve ever seen? MICHELLEMICHELLE: Well,: Well, here’s here’s the the key… key… (Pulls (Pulls key key from from mailbox.) mailbox.) BRENDABRENDA: I like: I like the thecolors! colors! They’ll They’ll attract attract a lot a oflot attention! of attention! WhyWhy not? not? MICHELLEMICHELLE: But,: But, guys… guys… if tickets if tickets are area dollar a dollar each, each, how how come come you you JUDEJUDE: Like,: Like, I could I could use use a nap a nap anyway. anyway. (He, (He, MICHELLE, MICHELLE, BRENDA BRENDA 15 15 onlyonly get getfour four for fivefor five dollars? dollars? 15 15 andand HILLARY HILLARY EXIT EXIT CENTER. CENTER. MR. MR. MUSTARD, MUSTARD, JINX, JINX, MINX MINX and and HILLARYHILLARY: That: That was was Jude’s Jude’s idea. idea. FINXFINX ENTER ENTER LEFT. LEFT. JINX, JINX, MINX MINX and and FINX FINX are areeating eating Tootsie Tootsie JUDEJUDE: Like,: Like, totally totally cool, cool, ha? ha? Pops.Pops. MR. MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD is dabbing is dabbing his hismouth mouth with with a napkin.) a napkin.) MICHELLEMICHELLE: It :doesn’t It doesn’t make make any any sense! sense! Nobody Nobody will willpay pay more more for onlyfor only MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: So…: So… there’s there’s a little a little cash cash in the in thesafe. safe. fourfour tickets. tickets. JINXJINX: Let’s: Let’s grab grab it and it and run! run! 20 JUDE20 JUDE: They’ll: They’ll think think it’s ait’s bargain! a bargain! Just Just like like in the in thegrocery grocery store. store. 20 MR.20 MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: You: You want want the thewhole whole town town to see to see us? us? MICHELLEMICHELLE: Remind: Remind me menot notto shop to shop at your at your store! store! MINXMINX: Yeah!: Yeah! Let’s Let’s wait wait ’til dark.’til dark. BRENDABRENDA: Did: Did you you get getthe thetickets, tickets, too? too? FINXFINX: They: They won’t won’t see see us whenus when they’re they’re sleeping. sleeping. HILLARYHILLARY: Here’s: Here’s a roll a roll for for each each of you. of you. (Hands (Hands MICHELLE MICHELLE and and MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: That: That way way we wecan can clean clean this this place place out outfor good,for good, then then BRENDABRENDA a roll a rollof tickets of tickets each.) each.) grabgrab “Whistler’s “Whistler’s Father.” Father.” 25 JUDE25 JUDE: Like,: Like, we’re we’re gonna gonna hang hang these these Picassos Picassos everywhere! everywhere! 25 JINX25 JINX: But,: But, Boss… Boss… ain’t ain’t it kinda it kinda mean mean stealing stealing from from kids? kids? BRENDABRENDA: I’ll: help!I’ll help! MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Their: Their money money spends spends just just as goodas good as anyoneas anyone else’s. else’s. MICHELLEMICHELLE: I’m: I’mgoing going to the to theTV TVstation station to set to setup anup interview.an interview. MINXMINX: Hey,: Hey, how how come come we’re we’re gonna gonna steal steal money? money? I mean… I mean… all youall you HILLARYHILLARY: See: See you you later. later. (She, (She, BRENDA BRENDA and and JUDE JUDE move move LEFT.) LEFT.) YouYou everever like like is stuff is stuff to hang to hang on theon thewalls walls and and look look at. at. got gotthe thetape, tape, Jude? Jude? MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: But: But we’ve we’ve got gotour ourexpenses, expenses, don’t don’t we? we? 30 JUDE30 JUDE: Like,: Like, I brought I brought a stapler a stapler (Holds (Holds up stapler)up stapler). . 30 FINX30 FINX: Yeah…: Yeah… Tootsie Tootsie Pops Pops don’t don’t come come cheap! cheap! BRENDABRENDA: You: You can’t can’t staple staple these these to a to window! a window! MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Come,: Come, ladies ladies and and gentlemen. gentlemen. (Adjust (Adjust line line for genderfor gender JUDEJUDE: Oh,: Oh, wow, wow, like like totally totally un-possible. un-possible. (He, (He, BRENDA BRENDA and and HILLARY HILLARY as needed.)as needed.) EXITEXIT LEFT. LEFT. MICHELLE MICHELLE moves moves RIGHT, RIGHT, but butMR. MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD JINXJINX: Where: Where to? to? ENTERSENTERS RIGHT. RIGHT. He Hespeaks speaks with with a foreign a foreign accent accent which which cannot cannot MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: We’ve: We’ve got gotto case to case the theart museum.art museum. 35 35 be placed or continually shifts from one style to another.) be placed or continually shifts from one style to another.) 35 MINX35 MINX: I love: I love rehearsals! rehearsals! : Excuse me, my dear, but do you live in this town? MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Excuse me, my dear, but do you live in this town? MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Yes,: Yes, my mypets… pets… practice practice makes makes perfect! perfect! (He, (He, MINX, MINX, MICHELLEMICHELLE: All: myAll mylife! life! JINXJINX and and FINX FINX EXIT EXIT RIGHT RIGHT as LUCY,as LUCY, HONEY, HONEY, JULIA, JULIA, MAGGIE MAGGIE MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD: Then: Then you you know know a place a place called called the thePenny Penny Lane Lane Hotel? Hotel? andand SALLY SALLY ENTER ENTER CENTER. CENTER. They They are areall aflutter.)all aflutter.) HONEYHONEY: Do: Doyou you believe believe it, Lucy? it, Lucy?

14 14 35 35 RIGHTSRIGHTS MUST MUST BE PURCHASEDBE PURCHASED BEFORE BEFORE REPRODUCING REPRODUCING THIS THIS SCRIPT SCRIPT End of Script Sample PRODUCTIONPRODUCTION NOTES NOTES SETTINGSETTING TheThe play play is set is set in the in the lobby lobby of the of the Penny Penny Lane Lane Hotel Hotel located located in a in a PROPERTIESPROPERTIES mid-Atlanticmid-Atlantic city. city. DOWN DOWN RIGHT RIGHT leads leads to the to the outside, outside, and and DOWN DOWN ONSTAGE,ONSTAGE, ACT ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene One: One: Lobby Lobby desk desk high high enough enough to hide to hide LEFTLEFT leads leads to a to café a café adjacent adjacent to the to thehotel hotel lobby. lobby. CENTER CENTER leads leads to to a persona person sitting sitting on theon thefloor floor behind behind with witha computer, a computer, hotel hotel room room the the rooms. rooms. Ideally, Ideally, there there are are several several steps steps leading leading up to up this to this EXIT EXIT mailboxes,mailboxes, long long narrow narrow table table with with a lamp, a lamp, fruit fruit bowl bowl and and vase vase of of withwith a landing a landing at the at thetop. top. A lobby A lobby desk desk with with a computer a computer is UP is UPLEFT LEFT flowersflowers on it, on small it, small desk desk with witha telephone, a telephone, posters posters of 60sof 60sand and70s 70s withwith mailboxes mailboxes behind behind it. Desk it. Desk should should be highbe high enough enough so a so character a character rockrock stars stars (excluding (excluding the theBeatles), Beatles), a CD a CDplayer player playing playing Beatles’ Beatles’ sittingsitting behind behind the thedesk desk can’t can’t be seenbe seen by theby theaudience. audience. UP UPRIGHT RIGHT a a tunes,tunes, a broom a broom hidden hidden behind behind the thedesk; desk; jacket jacket long,long, narrow narrow table table that that at the at thebeginning beginning of the of theplay play holds holds a lamp a lamp and and BROUGHTBROUGHT ON, ON, ACT ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene One: One: variousvarious decorations decorations such such as aas fruit a fruit bowl, bowl, vase vase of flowers of flowers and andso on.so on. FeatherFeather duster duster (ELEANOR (ELEANOR) ) ChairsChairs are are grouped grouped around around a small a small table table CENTER CENTER RIGHT. RIGHT. DOWN DOWN Mop,Mop, bucket, bucket, jacket jacket (LIZZIE) (LIZZIE) LEFTLEFT is a isdesk a desk with with a telephone a telephone and and a CD a CDplayer player on it. on The it. The hotel hotel lobby lobby is decoratedis decorated with with posters posters advertising advertising concerts concerts of various of various 60s 60sand and 70s 70s BROUGHTBROUGHT ON, ON, ACT ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene Two: Two: bands and solo artists, such as Janis Joplin, The Who, the Rolling PosterPoster (“Spend (“Spend a Night a Night Where Where the the Beatles Beatles Slept, Slept, Changes Changes $1 $1 bands and solo artists, such as Janis Joplin, The Who, the Rolling Stones and so on. Conspicuously absent, however, are any posters or 4or for 4 $5”)for $5”) in bright, in bright, psychedelic psychedelic colors colors and and style, style, two tworolls rolls Stones and so on. Conspicuously absent, however, are any posters of the Beatles. of ticketsof tickets (or (or use use an anenvelope envelope stuffed stuffed with with cut-up cut-up paper) paper) of the Beatles. (HILLARY)(HILLARY) TwoTwo short short scenes scenes take take place place outside outside of the of thehotel hotel lobby—one lobby—one across across StaplerStapler (JUDE) (JUDE) the the street street and and one one in a in hallway a hallway of the of the hotel—but hotel—but these these are are played played MoneyMoney (MR. (MR. MUSTARD) MUSTARD) beforebefore the thecurtain curtain and and require require no additionalno additional setting. setting. TootsieTootsie Pops Pops (with (with wrappers) wrappers) (MR. (MR. MUSTARD, MUSTARD, JINX, JINX, MINX, MINX, FINX)FINX) SYNOPSISSYNOPSIS OF OFSCENES SCENES ONSTAGE,ONSTAGE, ACT ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene Three: Three: Same Same as ACT as ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene One One withwith the theaddition addition of piles of piles of papers of papers on theon thelobby lobby desk, desk, keys keys inside inside ACTACT ONE ONE fourfour of the of themailboxes. mailboxes. SceneScene One: One: A FebruaryA February morning morning in the in thelobby lobby of the of thePenny Penny Lane Lane BROUGHTBROUGHT ON, ON, ACT ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene Three: Three: Hotel.Hotel. RaffleRaffle posters, posters, masking masking tape tape (ELEANOR, (ELEANOR, LUCY) LUCY) SceneScene Two: Two: A streetA street in front in front of the of hotel,the hotel, played played before before the curtain.the curtain. HandfulHandful of ripped of ripped raffle raffle posters posters (SGT. (SGT. PAPRIKA) PAPRIKA) TheThe next next afternoon. afternoon. SuitcasesSuitcases (LUCY, (LUCY, HONEY, HONEY, JULIA, JULIA, MAGGIE, MAGGIE, SALLY) SALLY) SceneScene Three: Three: The The hotel hotel lobby, lobby, several several days days later. later. Kite,Kite, paperback paperback book book (MAGGIE) (MAGGIE) Set Setof keys of keys on aon rainbow a rainbow key keyring, ring, rubber rubber snake snake (HONEY) (HONEY) ACTACT TWO TWO Wire rimmed, tinted glasses (like John Lennon’s), piece of wood Wire rimmed, tinted glasses (like John Lennon’s), piece of wood SceneScene One: One: TheThe hotel hotel lobby, lobby, the thefollowing following afternoon. afternoon. (JULIA)(JULIA) MapMap of Strawberry of Strawberry Fields, Fields, hanky hanky (SALLY) (SALLY) SceneScene Two: Two: A hallwayA hallway in the in thehotel, hotel, that that night, night, played played before before the the MagicalMagical Mystery Mystery Tour Tour ticket, ticket, stuffed stuffed walrus walrus (LUCY) (LUCY) curtain.curtain. HotelHotel registery registery book, book, box boxwith with towel(s), towel(s), ashtray, ashtray, “Do “DoNot NotDisturb” Disturb” SceneScene Three: Three: The The hotel hotel lobby, lobby, ten tenminutes minutes later. later. sign,sign, pillow pillow case, case, all autographed all autographed by the by theBeatles. Beatles. (LIZZIE) (LIZZIE) JacketJacket (ELEANOR) (ELEANOR) Flip Flipcell cellphones phones (CLARABELL, (CLARABELL, DOCTOR DOCTOR ROBERT) ROBERT) NotebookNotebook and and pencil pencil (DOCTOR (DOCTOR ROBERT) ROBERT) ThreeThree cardboard cardboard tubes tubes holding holding prints prints of famous of famous paintings, paintings, one one mustmust be abe print a print of Munch’s of Munch’s “The “The Scream,” Scream,” flashlights, flashlights, bag bag (MINX,(MINX, JINX, JINX, FINX) FINX) GlassGlass of milk of milk (SGT. (SGT. PAPRIKA) PAPRIKA)

50 50 iii iii RIGHTSRIGHTS MUST MUST BE PURCHASED BE PURCHASED BEFORE BEFORE REPRODUCING REPRODUCING THIS THIS SCRIPT SCRIPT

1 JULIA1 JULIA: (Awestruck.): (Awestruck.) The The Beatles… Beatles… here! here! 1 LIZZIE1 LIZZIE: Are: Areyou youworking working on yours,on yours, too? too? MAGGIEMAGGIE: But: Buthow? how? STRETCHSTRETCH: Yeah.: Yeah. About About this thismuch! much! (Holds (Holds up hisup fingershis fingers separated separated SALLYSALLY: It :doesn’t It doesn’t matter, matter, does does it? it? by aby fraction a fraction of an of inch.)an inch.) LUCYLUCY: Girls!: Girls! Have Have we forgottenwe forgotten what what day daythis thisis? is? MICHELLEMICHELLE: You: You won’t won’t graduate graduate if you if youdon’t don’t get getit done. it done. 5 HONEY5 HONEY: Oh,: Oh,Lucy, Lucy, you’re you’re right! right! 5 CLOVIS5 CLOVIS: (Sarcastic.): (Sarcastic.) Oh, Oh, no! no! If I If don’t I don’t graduate, graduate, I won’t I won’t get get into into Harvard! MAGGIEMAGGIE: February: February 18. 18. Harvard! : Awwwwwww! And there goes my scholarship to Stanford! SALLYSALLY: The: The day daythe theBeatles Beatles were were on theon theEd SullivanEd Sullivan Show Show for thefor the LIPPYLIPPY: Awwwwwww! And there goes my scholarship to Stanford! firstfirst time! time! CHEERIECHEERIE: I: guess I guess you you won’t won’t get get to learn to learn how how to do to do brain brain surgery, Lippy! JULIAJULIA: I could: I could just justcry! cry! surgery, Lippy! 10 BRENDA10 : You: You could could always always end end up doing up doing tattoos. tattoos. Those Those are are real real 10 LUCY10 LUCY: And: And here here we are…we are… right right where where they they actually actually slept! slept! The The stars stars BRENDA are arein perfect in perfect alignment! alignment! nice,nice, Stretch. Stretch. : (Shows off his tattoos.) Like that? It’s a snake! HONEYHONEY: Maybe…: Maybe… maybe… maybe… STRETCHSTRETCH: (Shows off his tattoos.) Like that? It’s a snake! : I thought it was your girlfriend. SALLYSALLY: What,: What, Honey? Honey? MICHELLEMICHELLE: I thought it was your girlfriend. : (Terrified.) I hate snakes! HONEYHONEY: Maybe: Maybe they they took took their their things things back! back! (A gasp(A gasp from from all all LIZZIELIZZIE: (Terrified.) I hate snakes! 15 15 15 the theFANS.) FANS.) CHEERIE15 CHEERIE: We: Wehad had ’em ’emput puton juston justto scare to scare whimps whimps like likeyou! you! LUCYLUCY: Why: Why not? not? CLOVISCLOVIS: But: Butthey they aren’t aren’t permanent. permanent. MAGGIEMAGGIE: They’ve: They’ve missed missed them them so much… so much… CHEERIECHEERIE: Shut: Shut your your face, face, Clovis! Clovis! JULIAJULIA: They’re: They’re stepping stepping back back in time! in time! MICHELLEMICHELLE: Oh,: Oh,they’re they’re henna henna tattoos. tattoos. LUCYLUCY: And: And so shall so shall we! we!Come, Come, ladies! ladies! I mean… I mean… girls! girls! STRETCHSTRETCH: No,: No,I told I toldyou youit was it was a snake! a snake! And And Cheerie’s Cheerie’s mom mom would would 20 20 kill himkill himif he if camehe came home home with with something something permanent permanent like likethat. that. 20 HONEY20 HONEY: Where: Where are arewe going?we going? : Yours wouldn’t exactly celebrate, Stretch. C’mon, guys. LUCYLUCY: If :the If theBeatles Beatles are arecoming coming back back tonight… tonight… this thisfan fanclub club is going is going CHEERIECHEERIE: Yours wouldn’t exactly celebrate, Stretch. C’mon, guys. to beto readybe ready for them!for them! (She, (She, HONEY, HONEY, JULIA, JULIA, MAGGIE MAGGIE and and SALLY SALLY Let’sLet’s go getgo getour ourproject project rolling. rolling. EXITEXIT RIGHT. RIGHT. A moment A moment later, later, GOODE GOODE ENTERS ENTERS CENTER CENTER holding holding CLOVISCLOVIS: I thought: I thought we weren’twe weren’t gonna gonna do ado project. a project. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA by theby thecollar collar with with one one hand hand and and a bag a bag of Tootsie of Tootsie LIPPYLIPPY: Yeah!: Yeah! You You said said we’re we’re too toolazy! lazy! 25 25 PopsPops in the in theother. other. LIZZIE LIZZIE and and ELEANOR ELEANOR follow follow them them ON.) ON.) 25 CHEERIE25 CHEERIE: C’mon!: C’mon! This This is gonna is gonna be abe team a team effort, effort, and and you’re you’re on on GOODEGOODE: I’m: haulin’I’m haulin’ you youin, Sgt. in, Sgt. Paprika! Paprika! the theteam. team. SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA: On: whatOn what charge? charge? LIPPYLIPPY: Since: Since when? when? GOODEGOODE: Possession: Possession of Tootsie of Tootsie Pops! Pops! STRETCHSTRETCH: Since: Since now! now! ELEANORELEANOR: That’s: That’s ridiculous! ridiculous! MICHELLEMICHELLE: What: What are areyou youdoing doing for yourfor your project? project? 30 GOODE30 GOODE: Not: Notwhen when one one of the of themajor major clues clues is a isTootsie a Tootsie Pop Pop wrapper! wrapper! 30 CHEERIE30 CHEERIE: (Sarcastic.): (Sarcastic.) Gettin’ Gettin’ new new cue cuesticks sticks for thefor thepool pool hall. hall. How How LIZZIELIZZIE: But: Butwhat what about about the thehair hair and and makeup? makeup? aboutabout you? you? GOODEGOODE: I didn’t: I didn’t find find them them in his in room…his room… but I butdid I finddid find a bag a ofbag Tootsie of Tootsie BRENDABRENDA: We’re: We’re buying buying toys toys and and games games and and things things for kidsfor kids when when Pops,Pops, and and that that spells spells G-U-L-T-Y! G-U-L-T-Y! they’rethey’re in the in thehospital. hospital. ELEANORELEANOR: Detective,: Detective, you you can’t can’t even even spell! spell! (An (Anelbow elbow jab jabto to CLOVISCLOVIS: (Sarcastic.): (Sarcastic.) Awwwwww! Awwwwww! That That is sooooo is sooooo sweet! sweet! 35 35 GOODEGOODE from from SGT. SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA frees frees SGT. SGT. PAPRIKA, PAPRIKA, who who runs runs 35 LIPPY35 LIPPY: Yeah…: Yeah… and and when when they they get getbetter, better, they they can canuse useour ourcues cues to to OFFOFF RIGHT.) RIGHT.) shootshoot pool! pool! GOODEGOODE: Why,: Why, you youold coot!old coot! Get Getback back here! here! (Runs (Runs OFF OFF RIGHT.) RIGHT.) STRETCHSTRETCH: Keep: Keep cool, cool, cats! cats! (He (Heand and CHEERIE CHEERIE EXIT EXIT LEFT. LEFT. CLOVIS CLOVIS ELEANORELEANOR: (Following: (Following him himOFF OFF RIGHT.) RIGHT.) Run, Run, Sgt. Sgt. Paprika! Paprika! Run! Run! andand LIPPY LIPPY follow follow them them OFF.) OFF.) BRENDABRENDA: I wonder: I wonder what what they’re they’re really really up to!up to!

36 36 13 13 ONSTAGE,ONSTAGE, ACT ACT TWO, TWO, Scene Scene One: One: Same Same as ACT as ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene One, One, but butthere there is crime is crime scene scene tape tape around around the thetable table area area and and a key a keyin in THETHE BEATLES BEATLES SLEPT SLEPT HERE HERE oneone of the of themailboxes. mailboxes. BROUGHTBROUGHT ON, ON, ACT ACT TWO, TWO, Scene Scene One: One: By CRAIGBy CRAIG SODARO SODARO HandkerchiefsHandkerchiefs (LUCY, (LUCY, HONEY, HONEY, JULIA, JULIA, SALLY, SALLY, MAGGIE) MAGGIE) CarrotCarrot sticks, sticks, notebook, notebook, pen, pen, Tootsie Tootsie Pop Pop wrapper, wrapper, bag bag of Tootsie of Tootsie CASTCAST OF OFCHARACTERS CHARACTERS PopsPops (GOODE) (GOODE) (In Order(In Order of Speaking) of Speaking) PlasticPlastic zip-lock zip-lock bag bag (LIZZIE) (LIZZIE) BusinessBusiness card, card, milkshake milkshake with with straw straw (CLARABELL) (CLARABELL) # of lines # of lines MoneyMoney box box (JUDE) (JUDE) ELEANORELEANOR DIGBY DIGBY ...... earlyearly 50s, 50s, longtime longtime auditor auditor at at 163163 RaffleRaffle posters posters (HILLARY, (HILLARY, MICHELLE) MICHELLE) the thehotel hotel CanCan stuffed stuffed with with raffle raffle tickets tickets (BRENDA) (BRENDA) SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA ...... 55, 55,crusty crusty hotel hotel owner owner 130130 TootsieTootsie Pops Pops (JINX, (JINX, MINX, MINX, FINX) FINX) LIZZIELIZZIE BELMONT BELMONT ...... 18, 18,teary-eyed teary-eyed hotel hotel maid maid 78 78 NapkinNapkin (MR. (MR. MUSTARD) MUSTARD) HILLARYHILLARY ...... highhigh school school senior senior 51 51 BROUGHTBROUGHT ON, ON, ACT ACT TWO, TWO, Scene Scene Two: Two: BRENDABRENDA ...... anotheranother 60 60 TootsieTootsie Pops Pops and and wrappers wrappers (JINX, (JINX, MINX, MINX, FINX) FINX) AutographAutograph books books and and cameras cameras (FANS) (FANS) JUDEJUDE ...... anotheranother 57 57 LegalLegal papers papers (CLARABELL) (CLARABELL) MICHELLEMICHELLE...... anotheranother 100100 ONSTAGE,ONSTAGE, ACT ACT TWO, TWO, Scene Scene Three: Three: Same Same as ACT as ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene CLARABELLCLARABELL LITTLE LITTLE ...... 40s,40s, Paprika’s Paprika’s younger younger sister sister 92 92 One,One, raffle raffle tickets tickets can, can, the theillegal illegal art (“Theart (“The Scream” Scream” poster poster and and DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT ...... 30s,30s, a scheming a scheming psychologist psychologist 43 43 others)others) are arestill stillbehind behind the theoriginal original hotel hotel posters posters CHEERIECHEERIE...... highhigh school school senior senior boy boy 26 26 BROUGHTBROUGHT ON, ON, ACT ACT TWO, TWO, Scene Scene Three: Three: STRETCHSTRETCH ...... anotheranother 19 19 BeatlesBeatles posters, posters, decorations decorations (MICHELLE, (MICHELLE, BRENDA, BRENDA, HILLARY, HILLARY, CLOVISCLOVIS ...... anotheranother 14 14 LIZZIE)LIZZIE) MoneyMoney (GOODE, (GOODE, CLARABELLE) CLARABELLE) LIPPYLIPPY ...... anotheranother 16 16 DuctDuct tape tape (MINX) (MINX) MR.MR. MUSTARD MUSTARD ...... 40s,40s, a sophisticated a sophisticated thief thief 44 44 CellCell phone phone (CLARABELL) (CLARABELL) MINXMINX ...... partpart of Mr. of Mr.Mustard’s Mustard’s gang gang 24 24 ButterflyButterfly nets nets (ORDERLIES) (ORDERLIES) JINXJINX ...... anotheranother 19 19 Notebook,Notebook, pencil pencil (JUDE) (JUDE) FINXFINX ...... anotheranother 16 16 SuitcaseSuitcase (FINX) (FINX) Doughnuts,Doughnuts, stolen stolen art (GOODE)art (GOODE) LUCYLUCY LAWSON LAWSON...... 50s,50s, a Beatles a Beatles fan fan 28 28 HONEYHONEY ...... anotheranother 23 23 COSTUMESCOSTUMES JULIAJULIA ...... anotheranother 21 21 BasicBasic costume costume for allfor characters all characters is modern is modern dress. dress. MAGGIEMAGGIE ...... anotheranother 20 20 SGT.SGT. PAPRIKA PAPRIKA should should wear wear overalls overalls and and a bright a bright flannel flannel shirt. shirt. SALLYSALLY ...... anotheranother 18 18 ELEANORELEANOR dresses dresses in conservative in conservative attire attire and and in ACT in ACT ONE, ONE, Scene Scene DETECTIVEDETECTIVE JOHNNY JOHNNY B. B. Three,Three, wears wears a coat. a coat. GOODEGOODE ...... 30s,30s, a policeman a policeman 69 69 CLARABELLCLARABELL wears wears a fur a furcoat, coat, lots lots of jewelry of jewelry and and anything anything else else to to ORDERLYORDERLY ONE ONE ...... fromfrom Happy Happy Acres Acres 5 5 makemake her herlook look ostentatious. ostentatious. ORDERLYORDERLY TWO TWO ...... fromfrom Happy Happy Acres Acres 4 4 DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT wears wears glasses glasses and and a trench a trench coat, coat, though though he canhe can NOTE:NOTE: The The parts parts of MINX, of MINX, JINX, JINX, FINX FINX and and the theORDERLIES ORDERLIES can can be be just justwear wear a suit a suitonce once he’s he’s inside inside the thehotel. hotel. In ACT In ACT TWO, TWO, he willhe will playedplayed by eitherby either male male or female or female actors. actors. havehave a milkshake a milkshake mustache. mustache. ii ii 51 51 RIGHTSRIGHTS MUST MUST BE PURCHASED BE PURCHASED BEFORE BEFORE REPRODUCING REPRODUCING THIS THIS SCRIPT SCRIPT

1 LIZZIE1 LIZZIE: I know: I know that, that, but butyou you want want me meto… to… to… to… break break and and enter! enter! (Bursts (Bursts 1 LIZZIE1 LIZZIE: (Also: (Also following following them them OUT OUT RIGHT.) RIGHT.) He He won’t won’t catch catch you! you! intointo tears. tears. BRENDA BRENDA and and MICHELLE MICHELLE look look about about cautiously.) cautiously.) (They’re(They’re OUT. OUT. CLARABELL CLARABELL and and DOCTOR DOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT ENTER ENTER MICHELLEMICHELLE: You: You don’t don’t have have to break to break anything! anything! LEFT.LEFT. CLARABELL CLARABELL is stillis stillsipping sipping a milkshake a milkshake noisily noisily through through straw. DOCTOR ROBERT has a milkshake mustache.) BRENDABRENDA: And: And as faras asfar enteringas entering goes, goes, you’re you’re already already inside, inside, right? right? straw. DOCTOR ROBERT has a milkshake mustache.) 5 5 : That: That was was one one great great shake! shake! 5 MICHELLE5 MICHELLE: So: howSo how could could it be it breakingbe breaking and and entering? entering? DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT : (Looking right as if out a window.) Oh, my! Isn’t that BRENDABRENDA: It’s: justIt’s justa strong a strong case case of… of… curiosity. curiosity. CLARABELLCLARABELL: (Looking right as if out a window.) Oh, my! Isn’t that JojoJojo running running down down the thestreet street with with that that detective detective chasing chasing him? him? LIZZIELIZZIE: Yeah,: Yeah, but butlook look at what at what curiosity curiosity did didto the to thecat! cat! DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: Why,: Why, it sure it sure is! is! MICHELLEMICHELLE: That’s: That’s just justa stupid a stupid old oldwives’ wives’ tale. tale. CLARABELLCLARABELL: How: How soon soon can can you you get get those those orderlies orderlies from from Happy Happy BRENDA: Yeah…: Yeah… and and who who listens listens to old to oldwives wives anymore? anymore? Especially Especially BRENDA 10 10 AcresAcres here? here? 10 10 stupidstupid ones. ones. DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: Tonight.: Tonight. LIZZIELIZZIE: You’re: You’re sure sure I won’t I won’t be doingbe doing anything anything wrong? wrong? CLARABELLCLARABELL: I’m: I’mcallin’ callin’ my mylawyers lawyers and and gettin’ gettin’ those those papers papers sellin’ sellin’ : Is: it Iswrong it wrong to help to help the thekids kids at the at thehospital? hospital? MICHELLEMICHELLE this thisplace place together together lickety-split! lickety-split! LIZZIELIZZIE: Well,: Well, no, no,of course of course not. not. DOCTORDOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT: And: And don’t don’t forget forget to cut to cutme mea check. a check. BRENDABRENDA: There,: There, you you see? see? 15 CLARABELL15 CLARABELL: Oh,: Oh, now, now, sweet sweet pea, pea, I wouldn’t I wouldn’t think think about about forgettin’ forgettin’ 15 MICHELLE15 MICHELLE: All: you’veAll you’ve got gotto do to isdo find is find the theold oldhotel hotel register register books. books. y’all.y’all. (DOCTOR (DOCTOR ROBERT ROBERT EXITS EXITS CENTER.) CENTER.) Would Would I? (Winks I? (Winks at at LIZZIELIZZIE: Hotel: Hotel register register books. books. Got Got it. it. AUDIENCE,AUDIENCE, then then EXITS EXITS LEFT LEFT as MICHELLE,as MICHELLE, JUDE, JUDE, HILLARY HILLARY MICHELLEMICHELLE: Find: Find the theone one for 1964.for 1964. andand BRENDA BRENDA ENTER ENTER CENTER.) CENTER.) BRENDABRENDA: That’s: That’s when when the theBeatles Beatles made made their their first first tour tour of the of theU.S. U.S. MICHELLEMICHELLE: What: What was was all that all that shouting shouting about? about? MICHELLEMICHELLE: On: Onthe theInternet Internet it said it said they they were were in this in thisarea area sometime sometime in in 20 HILLARY20 HILLARY: I think: I think that that cop cop was was after after Sgt. Sgt. Paprika. Paprika. 20 20 AugustAugust of that of that year. year. JUDEJUDE: (Looking: (Looking RIGHT.) RIGHT.) And And he hestill still is! (ELEANOR is! (ELEANOR and and LIZZIE LIZZIE LIZZIELIZZIE: August.: August. ENTERENTER RIGHT, RIGHT, out outof breath.) of breath.) BRENDABRENDA: The: The register register will willbe signedbe signed John, John, Paul, Paul, George, George, and— and— LIZZIELIZZIE: What’ll: What’ll we do,we do,Miss Miss Digby? Digby? BRENDA/MICHELLEBRENDA/MICHELLE: Ringo!: Ringo! ELEANORELEANOR: I don’t: I don’t know! know! I just I justdon’t don’t know! know! LIZZIELIZZIE: Who: Who are arethey? they? 25 BRENDA25 BRENDA: What’s: What’s going going on? on? 25 MICHELLE25 MICHELLE: The: The Beatles, Beatles, dummy! dummy! LIZZIELIZZIE: That: That cop cop thinks thinks Sgt. Sgt. Paprika Paprika stole stole the thethings things from from the thetable. table. LIZZIELIZZIE: :(Cries (Cries again.) again.) Don’t Don’t call call me me dummy! dummy! (CHEERIE (CHEERIE and and MICHELLEMICHELLE: That’s: That’s crazy! crazy! Sgt. Sgt. Paprika Paprika hates hates the theBeatles! Beatles! STRETCHSTRETCH ENTER ENTER RIGHT. RIGHT. They They are aredressed dressed as toughs,as toughs, with with BRENDABRENDA: Unless: Unless he’s he’s gone gone a little a little cuckoo! cuckoo! sleevelesssleeveless shirts. shirts. They They sport sport large large tattoos tattoos on theiron their DOWNSTAGE DOWNSTAGE ELEANORELEANOR: Not: Noton youron your life. life.(Puts (Puts her herarm arm around around JUDE, JUDE, walks walks him him arms.arms. They’re They’re followed followed by CLOVISby CLOVIS and and LIPPY. LIPPY. They They don’t don’t have have 30 30 DOWNSTAGEDOWNSTAGE out outof earshotof earshot of theof theOTHERS, OTHERS, who who continue continue an an 30 30 tattoos,tattoos, but butare aredressed dressed similarly.) similarly.) animatedanimated conversation.) conversation.) Hey, Hey, Jude— Jude— CHEERIECHEERIE: Well,: Well, what’ve what’ve we gotwe gotgoing going here? here? JUDEJUDE: S’up?: S’up? STRETCHSTRETCH: The: The three three mousekateers! mousekateers! ELEANORELEANOR: Got: Got any any big bigplans plans for tonight?for tonight? CLOVISCLOVIS: Looks: Looks more more like likethe thethree three blind blind mice. mice. JUDEJUDE: (Embarrassed.): (Embarrassed.) Oh, Oh, wow, wow, like, like, I’m I’mtotally totally not notinto into dating dating older older LIPPYLIPPY: How: How come come you’re you’re not notin the in thelibrary library doin’ doin’ homework? homework? 35 35 women,women, Miss Miss Digby. Digby. 35 MICHELLE35 MICHELLE: (Cold.): (Cold.) We’re We’re glad glad to see to see you, you, too, too, Cheerie Cheerie and and crew. crew. ELEANORELEANOR: I was: I was thinking thinking more more about about a job. a job. BRENDABRENDA: (Indignant.): (Indignant.) And And we arewe aredoing doing homework! homework! JUDEJUDE: What: What kind kind of job? of job? MICHELLEMICHELLE: We’re: We’re working working on ouron ourservice service learning learning project. project. ELEANORELEANOR: The: The kind kind that’ll that’ll get getthe themonkey monkey off Sgt.off Sgt. Paprika’s Paprika’s back, back, CHEERIECHEERIE: Well,: Well, if that if that ain’t ain’t special! special! so toso speak. to speak.

12 12 37 37 CHEERIE, STRETCH, CLOVIS and LIPPY wear modern skater/tough CHEERIE,kid STRETCH,clothing. In addition,CLOVIS andCHEERIE LIPPY andwear STRETCH modern skater/tough have tattoos. MICHELLE,kid clothing. BRENDA,In addition, HILLARY CHEERIE and and LIZZIE, STRETCH by contrast, have tattoos. can wear MICHELLE,more BRENDA, preppy outfits. HILLARY JUDE and LIZZIE,should by dress contrast, in clashing can wear colors and morepatterns preppy with outfits. perhaps JUDE two different should style dress shoes in andclashing so on. colors and LIZZIEpatterns wears with perhapsclothes similartwo different to MICHELLE, style shoes BRENDA and so on.and HILLARY, LIZZIE wearsbut with clothes a maid’s similar apron to overMICHELLE, the top. BRENDA and HILLARY, MINX,but with JINX a maid’s and FINX apron should over the be top.dressed in all black. MR. MUSTARD MINX, JINXwears and a suitFINX and should perhaps be dressed a cape. in all black. MR. MUSTARD DETECTIVEwears a suit and JOHNNY perhaps B. a GOODE cape. wears a trench coat and has a DETECTIVEstyle like JOHNNY Humphrey B. GOODE Bogart. In wears ACT TWO, a trench Scene coat Three, and has he has a a stylebandage like Humphrey on his head,Bogart. a blackIn ACT eye TWO, and Scenehis trench Three, coat he is hastorn. a ORDERLIESbandage on his should head, wear a black white eye jackets. and his trench coat is torn. ORDERLIES should wear white jackets. Special costumes: When CHEERIE, STRETCH, CLOVIS and LIPPY By Craig Sodaro are the Beatles, they should wear suits or at least matching sports Special costumes: When CHEERIE, STRETCH, CLOVIS and LIPPY By Craig Sodaro are coatsthe Beatles, buttoned they up. should They wear should suits wear or Beatlesat least matching wigs and sports sport the coatsnecessary buttoned glasses up. They and facial should hair wear to create Beatles a reasonable wigs and approximation sport the necessaryof the group. glasses When and facial the FANS hair to (LUCY, create aHONEY, reasonable JULIA, approximation MAGGIE AND © Copyright 2005, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. of theSALLY) group. change When intothe FANS60s costumes, (LUCY, HONEY, they should JULIA, wear MAGGIE short skirts, AND 60s © Copyright 2005, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. SALLY)wigs change (if available, into 60s or rat costumes, their hair theyup as should high as wear possible) short skirts,and whatever 60s Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for other 60s accessories they can find such as glasses, scarves and so wigs (if available, or rat their hair up as high as possible) and whatever Professionalsevery performance, and amateurs whether are herebyor not admissionwarned that is acharged. royalty mustAll inquiries be paid regarding for otheron. 60s When accessories JUDE dresses they can as findDr. Sigmund such as Sligmund,glasses, scarves he should and wear so a everyrights—including performance, whetherbut not limited or not to admission amateur, professional, is charged. radioAll inquiries broadcast, regarding television, on. suit,When mustache JUDE dresses and beard as Dr. (similar Sigmund to Freud’s). Sligmund, he should wear a rights—includingcable, motion but picture, not limited live streaming,to amateur, publicprofessional, reading, radio and broadcast, translation television, into a foreign cable,language—should motion picture, live be streaming, addressed public to Pioneer reading, Drama and Service, translation Inc., into PO a foreign Box 4267, suit, mustache and beard (similar to Freud’s). Englewood, CO 80155. SOUND EFFECTS language—should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood,No performance, CO 80155. broadcast, reading, or presentation of any kind in whole or in Beatles tunes, phoneSOUND ring, clock EFFECTS striking midnight, “Twack!” (Eleanor part may be given without permission from Pioneer Drama Service. knocking out Doctor Robert), Fire alarm No performance, broadcast, reading, or presentation of any kind in whole or in Beatles tunes, phone ring, clock striking midnight, “Twack!” (Eleanor part Thesemay be rights given are without fully protected permission under from the copyright Pioneer lawsDrama of theService. United States of America knocking out Doctor Robert), Fire alarm Theseand rights of all are countries fully protected covered under by thethe Universalcopyright lawsCopyright of the ConventionUnited States or ofwith America which the and ofUnited all countries States has covered reciprocal by the copyright Universal relations, Copyright including Convention Canada, or with Mexico, which Australia, the Unitedand States all nations has reciprocal of the United copyright Kingdom. relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia, and all nations of the United Kingdom. ONE SCRIPT PER CAST MEMBER MUST BE PURCHASED FOR PRODUCTION ONE SCRIPTRIGHTS. PER PHOTOCOPYING, CAST MEMBER REPRODUCING, MUST BE PURCHASED OR DISTRIBUTING FOR PRODUCTION ALL OR ANY RIGHTS.PART OF PHOTOCOPYING, THIS BOOK WITHOUT REPRODUCING, PERMISSION OR ISDISTRIBUTING STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ALL OR ANY BY LAW. PART OF THIS BOOK WITHOUT PERMISSION IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW. On all programs, printing, and advertising, the following information must appear: On all programs,1. The fullprinting, title: Theand Beatlesadvertising, Slept the Here following information must appear: 1. The2. fullWriting title: credit: The Beatles By Craig Slept Sodaro Here 2. Writing3. Publication credit: By notice: Craig “ProducedSodaro by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama 3. Publication Service, notice: Denver, “Produced Colorado” by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama Service, Denver, Colorado”

52 52

1 JUDE: I like monkeys. 1 CLARABELL: Twenty-five thousand dollars? 1 JUDEELEANOR: I like monkeys.: Not a fur-wearin’ monkey decked out in a bunch of 1 CLARABELLDOCTOR :ROBERT Twenty-five: I have thousand a reputation dollars? to think about. ELEANORjewelry,: Not y’all! a (CURTAIN.) fur-wearin’ monkey decked out in a bunch of DOCTORCLARABELL ROBERT: Fifty: I have thousand? a reputation to think about. jewelry, y’all! (CURTAIN.)End of Scene One CLARABELLDOCTOR :ROBERT Fifty thousand?: That pays my malpractice insurance for a year, End of Scene One DOCTOR5 and ROBERT this is definitely: That pays malpractice. my malpractice insurance for a year, ACT TWO 5 CLARABELLand this is definitely: What wouldmalpractice. sweeten the deal? ACT TWO Scene Two CLARABELLDOCTOR :ROBERT What would: I want sweeten three the percent deal? of the sale. Scene Two LIGHTS UP: A hallway in the Penny Lane Hotel, played before the DOCTORCLARABELL ROBERT: Three: I want percent! three percentThat’s highway of the sale. robbery! LIGHTS5 curtain. UP: That A hallwaynight. SGT. in the PAPRIKA Penny Lane ENTERS Hotel, RIGHT, played lookingbefore thebehind CLARABELLDOCTOR :ROBERT Three percent!: How elseThat’s will highway you get robbery! on Easy Street? 5 curtain.him That nervously. night. ELEANORSGT. PAPRIKA ENTERS ENTERS LEFT RIGHT, and moveslooking tobehind him. He DOCTOR10 ROBERT: How else will you get on Easy Street? him bumps nervously. into her. ELEANOR ENTERS LEFT and moves to him. He CLARABELL: If I agree, you’ll say my brother’s loonier than a 10 mad cow? bumpsSGT. into PAPRIKA her. : What’re you doin’ slinkin’ around the hallways at this CLARABELL: If I agree, you’ll say my brother’s loonier than a mad cow? : For three percent, I’ll say Einstein was a SGT. PAPRIKAtime of night?: What’re you doin’ slinkin’ around the hallways at this DOCTOR ROBERT crack-pot! 10 ELEANORtime of night?: Waiting for you! DOCTOR ROBERT: For three percent, I’ll say Einstein was a CLARABELLcrack-pot! : Get yourself checked into this here dump and keep 10 ELEANORSGT. PAPRIKA: Waiting: forWhy? you! CLARABELL15 your eyes: Get open! yourself checked into this here dump and keep SGT.ELEANOR PAPRIKA: : (Worried.) Why? Where have you been all day? 15 DOCTORyour eyes ROBERTopen! : Whatever you say, Ms. Little. ELEANORSGT. PAPRIKA: (Worried.): Runnin’ Where have from you that been flatfoot! all day? Say… I thought I fired DOCTORCLARABELL ROBERT: Doctor,: Whatever you’re you almost say, Ms.as rotten Little. as I am! SGT. PAPRIKAyou. : Runnin’ from that flatfoot! Say… I thought I fired CLARABELLDOCTOR :ROBERT Doctor, you’re: How almostcome you as rottenand your as brotherI am! don’t get along, 15 ELEANORyou. : Somebody had to stay here and run this place. You can DOCTORMs. ROBERT Little? : How come you and your brother don’t get along, 15 ELEANORfire: Somebodyme tomorrow. had to stay here and run this place. You can 20 CLARABELLMs. Little? : For the same reason I couldn’t get along with any of SGT.fire PAPRIKAme tomorrow.: It’s a deal! 20 CLARABELLmy five: Forhusbands. the same They reason just Idon’t couldn’t follow get directions! along with But any you of will, SGT. PAPRIKA: : For It’s now,a deal! you’d better hide! That detective doesn’t seem ELEANOR my won’tfive husbands.you, Doctor? They (CURTAIN.) just don’t follow directions! But you will, like he’s going to give up easily. ELEANOR: For now, you’d better hide! That detective doesn’t seem won’t you, Doctor? (CURTAIN.)End of Scene One 20 like he’s going to: Don’tgive up worry easily. about him! While he was chasin’ me, he SGT. PAPRIKA End of Scene One 20 SGT. PAPRIKAfell into the: Don’t river worry and had about to swimhim! Whileout, then he washe ran chasin’ smack-dab me, he into ACT ONE fell intoa stop the sign. river and had to swim out, then he ran smack-dab into ACTScene ONE Two ELEANORa stop sign.: He must have trouble reading. LIGHTS UP: The streetScene in front Two of the Penny Lane Hotel, played ELEANORSGT. PAPRIKA: He must: Andhave he trouble finally reading. stepped on Mrs. Geery’s dog’s tail, LIGHTSbefore UP: the Thecurtain. street The in following front of afternoon. the Penny MICHELLE, Lane Hotel, LIZZIE played and SGT.25 PAPRIKAand it bit: him And like he a finally pork chop! stepped on Mrs. Geery’s dog’s tail, before25 BRENDA the curtain. ENTER The LEFT. following afternoon. MICHELLE, LIZZIE and 25 ELEANORand it bit him: She like hasa pork a poodle! chop! 25 BRENDALIZZIE ENTER: I don’t LEFT. know, Michelle. It sounds like a crime or something! ELEANORSGT. PAPRIKA: She has: a Yeah, poodle! well, you haven’t seen anything ’til you’ve LIZZIE: (Begins I don’t toknow, cry.) Michelle. It sounds like a crime or something! SGT. PAPRIKAseen a mad: Yeah, poodle! well, The you last haven’t I saw of seen General anything Goodie ’til Goode, you’ve he MICHELLE(Begins to cry.): Look, Lizzie… you went to the hospital last night, right? seenwas a mad headin’ poodle! to the The hospital last I sawin an of ambulance. General Goodie Goode, he MICHELLEAnd: you Look, had Lizzie… to bring you all kindswent ofto stuffthe hospital for Austin last to night, do, right? right? 30 ELEANORwas headin’: toThat the takeshospital care in anof ambulance.him, but Sgt. Paprika… there’s still 30 LIZZIEAnd you: It had was to heavy bring andall kinds I dropped of stuff a puzzle for Austin and to all do, the right? pieces fell into 30 ELEANORClarabell: That you’ve takes gotcare to ofworry him, about. but Sgt. Paprika… there’s still 30 LIZZIE: the It was gutter heavy and and I tried I dropped to pick thema puzzle up, andbut Iall don’t the piecesthink I gotfell Shrek’sinto SGT.Clarabell PAPRIKA you’ve: gotOh, to she’s worry nothin’ about. but a big huff and puff! the gutternose or and Donkey’s I tried to tail! pick them up, but I don’t think I got Shrek’s SGT.ELEANOR PAPRIKA: : But Oh, she she’s and nothin’ that doctor— but a big huff and puff! BRENDAnose or Donkey’s: If you help tail! us with our project, moms and dads— ELEANORSGT. PAPRIKA: But she: andLook, that I don’t doctor— got time to worry about them! I’ve got BRENDAMICHELLE: If you: And help cousins! us with our project, moms and dads— SGT.35 PAPRIKAto clear :my Look, name. I don’t got time to worry about them! I’ve got MICHELLE35 BRENDA: And: —won’t cousins! have to drag all that stuff. There’ll be lots of toys 35 ELEANORto clear my: name. How are you going to do that? 35 BRENDAand: —won’tpuzzles haveand games to drag for all the that kids stuff. at theThere’ll hospital. be lots of toys ELEANOR: How are you going to do that? and puzzles and games for the kids at the hospital. 38 11 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED38 BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT 11 RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT We hope you’ve enjoyed this script sample.

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