>> ACCESS ALL AREAS? M4-5 >> YORK DOES EDINBURGH M15 SPRING WEEK NINE We look at student life in a wheelchair Students shows going to the Fringe Wednesday June 20 2007 MUSE

Summer special: where to go and what to do this holiday M12-14 M2 Columns 20/06/07 Muse 20.06.07 NanFlory Access all areas? The students living York life in wheelchairs >> M4 An orgasm of Why can’t I wake one’s own We talk to women who’ve made careers in up without you? alternative sex industries >> M6 hings have been getting her first film. Guy Ritchie is though, no new material. The me down lately. directing another film. They only good thing about the show Frivolous things. It changed the design of the is that the unique programmes A long way from home Tseems to me, that there Smartie tubes so you can’t pop can origami into sick bags. are the really terrible things, and the lids off anymore. Dan Brown That’s an innovation that could Raf Sanchez talks to Iraqis then there are the unnecessarily is worth $88 million. Tom take off—they could take them terrible things. It’s the unneces- Cruise is worth $67 million. on that show where you try and living in the UK about the sarily terrible things that are What is the deal, guys? sell your inventions. Dragons’ war, Saddam and home >> M8 worrying me right now. They are And now, as if the first two Den, that’s it. the things that exist in the enter- items on my list aren’t enough, Ok, maybe I’m being over tainment arena, as opposed to they’re making a musical about zealous; at least this is a musical the world-politics-famine-war- Take That. Can you imagine? It’s that is not asking to be taken Biking in the buff global warming arena. Stuff is called Never Forget. I’m not sure seriously. Take That are silly, Sam Noble gets into the bad enough over in the latter if the title refers to the previous- musicals are silly…no sweat. that you would have thought ly unknown levels of nausea you Also, the man who wrote it also swing of things at the we’d give ourselves a break and will experience, and never for- wrote Shameless which is a Naked Bike Ride stop letting our light relief from get, if you go see this show, or if super programme. At the the drudgery of the human con- they just want you to never for- moment I am disappointed in >> M10 dition be shitty and tasteless. get Take That and their epony- him for getting involved with I’ve compiled a little list of mous song. Either way, the pro- this Never Forget debacle but things that are plain wrong ducers can hardly have your best maybe, if I actually watch it, I’ll SPECIAL: without any excuse for their interests at heart. Resurrecting feel bad for not having trusted wrongness that could be seen as Take That at all is not great, res- his judgment. Summer travel valid in the way that destructive urrecting them through the The worst musicals are def- We chat to Lonely Planet founder Tony Wheeler imperial regimes are an excuse cheesiest, most irritating genre initely the ones that are about for more important things being in the world is plain sadism. people dying and political issues about the best places to go, how to get there and >>M12 really bad. Never Forget is not strictly and religious philosophy. Cheesy what to do and the burdens of being a travel guru Like: When Take That split speaking about Take That, it’s sentimentality is harmless up they had to set up hotlines to about a Take That tribute band enough until they start trying to deal with the public grief. and how ‘pretending to be some- pull on your heartstrings with Robbie Williams is the biggest one else can sometimes help you songs about, let’s say, the trials selling artist in Europe in the find out who you really are.’ The and tribulations of living with Arts: Bollywood comes to Film: Filmmaking Soc’s 21st century. When a Brighton main character is called Ash Hepatitis C. They just belittle Yorkshire, plus what’s on upcoming projects >> M22 drama student got kicked off Big Sherwood and he has hidden real issues by rhyming stuff like Brother the other day for being depths. I think there should be a ‘if I had a healthy liver/my heart before term’s end >> M18 B&R: The best pre-9.15 ignorant and racist she said, ‘But scene where the man playing I would give her.’ Someone Music: We chat to Kate lecture snacks >> M23 I’ve got so much more to give.’ Howard Donald sings a song should tell the people who write Don’t worry though, you can still about the difficult dilemma he these shows that they are mak- Nash and review York’s Listings: All the events to make friends with her on has to face. That is, should I get ing fun of, not representing, the favourite busker >> M20 end the year in style >> M24 Facebook. Andrew Lloyd dreadlocks and more accurately STI-afflicted. Webber is worth $56 million impersonate Howard, or should I suppose I should just and has spent a portion of that I sacrifice realism and chose dig- admit that I am really not a fan fortune on a pet Turkish swim- nity? Apparently they’re only of musical theatre as a genre. I ming cat. Madonna is directing singing actual Take That songs just think it sucks, big time, like

back to Adbusters is the smug sense of self- Described as “a clear-thinking oasis” the site BenTattersallSmith satisfaction that one gets from reading it. provides a wealth of information, ideas and Ultimately, Adbusters is purely about intel- opportunities for discussion of Dawkins’s Ethical living in the internet age lectual masturbation, allowing you to pre- work and atheistic principles. tend for a minute you are somehow screwing These are just a few of the sites I use to t was when I realised that nearly all my Canada. The site is politically informative, the system over—before ordering their inform myself about the world. The beauty, birthday presents were completely frivo- providing a sharp critique of the political sys- ‘unbranded’ Adbusters shoes, postcards and and quite possibly the tragedy, of the internet Ilous that the guilt began to set in. I knew tem, economics and consumer culture. magazine. Money well spent, I’m sure. is that with so much information out there, what would happen. And, indeed, a month Adbusters also runs campaigns on a number Next on the list of sites that allows me to you really can find something to corroborate on, the unwatched DVDs are still sitting on of issues they support, including TV Turn Off get up on my high horse is the Huffington anything you believe in, be it left or rightwing my shelves and the latest Bill Bryson book week, which unsurprisingly advocates us all Post (www.huffingtonpost.com). The politics, a fundamental distrust of scientol- remains unread. Yes, I may be a poor student considering a life away from the idiot box; Huffington Post is a political news source ogy or that 9/11 was a conspiracy. With all its living off pasta and baked potatoes, but I do Slow Down Week, which encourages people and blog with a progressive slant and often power to connect, the net also has the power have way too much stuff, most of which I to reconsider the relentless pace at which we features contributions from noteworthy jour- to divide: with all of us able to live in our own really don’t need. Before you stop reading, all live our lives; and Buy Nothing Day, an nalists, politicians and satirists. Set up by self-congratulatory bubbles, what need is I’m not going to become a complete eco- event which has been taken up around the journalist Arianna Huffington in 2005, the there to ever even think about listening to freak on you—I love my gadgets too much to world. The organisation also provides useful site has quickly become an important and someone whose world view digresses from go down that road. Nonetheless, I really feel information about alternative forms of con- renowned online resource. our own? So I have no doubt that, as I sit and the need to rethink the way I’ve been living. sumption. (They offer various items of con- Finally on our intellectual tour de force read some lefty rant at my computer about Enter Adbusters (www.adbusters.org). science friendly clothing.) is the website of Professor Richard Dawkins the failings of neoclassical economics, there’s Adbusters is a not-for-profit, anti-con- If I’m being really honest though, for all (richarddawkins.net/home), the prominent someone out there who thinks that it’s me sumerist organisation which originated in its worthiness, what really keeps me going and outspoken evolutionary biologist. who is the butt of the joke. 20/06/07 Columns M3

Russia in statue row with Estonia PhillippineSuspicious helicopter substance crashModbury kills found 7 at isflat Warm weather brings Earthquake shakes partfirst of to Kent ban risk of summer smog Man arrested in mugging ofMouse woman,plastic brain simulated 101bags on Police chief attacked over picturescomputer Man convicted of hammer killings The world’s gone mad Stories you might have missed

Californian police rushed to the apartment of Matsayuki Sato upon hearing a distress message left by his two-year old shitsu, Tiddles. Mistaking his master’s bone-white antique telephone for a telephone-white antique bone, the hapless hound pawed and chomped at the thing, inadvertently calling 911 through mastication. Emergency operator Jan Cork later explained, “At first we just heard wheezing and grizzling, but when the caller loudly said ‘rape’, we sent the LAPD round straight away.” The nation’s heroes broke down the door of the flat, only to find an embarrassed Sato stumbling from the lavatory, where he had been engaged in a particularly strenuous bout of constipation. “He often plays with the phone, and I guess it was just an acci- dent waiting to happen,” said Sato. “Tiddles is very naughty, and won’t be having any treats.”

Lowestoft rambling fanatic Gregory Nuffin died last week attempting to climb the North Face of Everest without oxygen. He was 81. His sponsor, a local camping equipment supplier, asked to remain anonymous, but told the local newspaper that Nuffin “seemed averse to the tourist trail of the South Col and wanted to do something meaningful.” Armed with, we shall presume, not much more than a Thermos flask and a couple of extra layers, Nuffin fell victim to hypothermia before even reaching his base camp. He was survived by his wife, Lorna. I’m missing an appreciation “He always said that fortune favours the brave,” the widow told gene. It is related to the fact reporters, “but I kept telling him that it has a knack of killing that I do not understand how it Freedom, frivolity and fish pie off the stupid.” is that people can claim to be in Oh domestic bliss! What I love about ran out. I also had time to book an love with cartoon characters. all this time after finishing your appointment at the dentists and to The case of Coldstream v Twack ran into its second week, Especially ones that are ani- degree is all the things you can do with read a book for shits and giggles. Two amidst histrionic scenes which would not be out of place in an mals—that is called bestiality, it. Last week I spent a day in good and a half actually, so far. I’ve thought American courtroom. Which was no surprise, given that the and it is illegal. Maybe I’m just company, making fresh pasta. It was about getting some exercise, although case for damages was being heard by magistrates in bitter because I can’t sing. amazing and very tasty, accompanied I haven’t got as far as actually doing Springfield, Ohio. The trouble began when the judge found in There is no point in me even by fresh pesto, which is far tastier than any yet. I’ve been to the park and sat in favour of the plaintiff, Simeon Coldstream, who alleged that a auditioning for a role in a musi- the stuff in a jar. We also made cup- the sun for an afternoon; I’ve watched gang of what he called “rogueish proletarians” had set about cal and, in the end, I’m jealous. cakes and expressed ourselves cre- films and had sleepovers. I’ve done him and his electric tricycle as he waited to be served a hot dog I will never be that girl in an atively in the act of icing them. I made some leisurely window shopping with at Brian Orion’s Meat-n-Greet in the village of Sneed. The incongruously flattering nun’s a fish pie from scratch which involved an ice cream in hand. I’ve written defendants, Kevin, Paulie, Eric, Dawdon, Neville, Sandy, outfit, controlling 22 kids with using all four hobs at once. And the some letters. Dookie, Bernice and Candace Twack, initially accepted the ver- ADD with the simple crystal oven. It is a far cry from having no Next step: cleaning the commu- dict with grudging penitence, but when Coldstream’s attorney clarity of my nightingale tones. food in the house because you don’t nal areas of my house because it has requested a further allowance for $200 on account of his client I would have to stick with the feel that you have the time to go shop- recently hit me, I really want my having “parted company with a couple of shirt buttons” during Baron’s whistle. Nor can I ping and then being embarrassed at deposit back. Did you, as a demanding the attack, all hell broke loose. Dawdon and Sandy leapt upon magic outfits out of curtains or the library when you pull out your child, ever get taught the difference by the unfortunate lawyer, while Neville struck him repeatedly fly or fit the world in my bag. I’d lunch of two dry oat cakes and a hard your parents between want and need? about the lower abdomen with a lever arch file. Paulie and say I’m living more of a boiled egg. For instance, you don’t need sweets, Kevin tore down the curtains. Dookie urinated in a corner of depressing Skando naturalist Other things: I’ve done my laun- you want them. And yes, you do need the room. Justice Dimitri Blow, presiding, cleared the court vibe than a cabaret. I have no dry, am in the process of cleaning my ugly clunky school shoes even if you and later asked the press, “Why can’t right thinking Americans ruby slippers, nor an addiction room and have recycled all my notes. want neon jelly shoes. That kind of just round these people up and shoot ‘em all?” When the news- to prescription drugs. Ah, it’s a And the printouts of my essays which thing? Well, I totally need my deposit. men asked the judge which people he meant, he cryptically hard-knock life. are in red ink because my cartridge OK landlady? OK? responded, “God knows who I mean.”

me to York. He was friendly, green lessness and horniness, I dragged dez-vous was followed by an even and had a surprisingly toxic fountain. him into a taxi and back to the scene grimier tryst involving myself, the Goodbye and We had energetic, mind expanding of the original crime. Ziggys fire escape and a group of sex, filling me with optimism about Once outside the gloom of rugby players. My second year, dur- good fuck the next three years (not to mention Ziggys, it became clear that this ing which I set my sights rather s my years at York draw to a a dose of his finest man-chowder). embodiment of all things glorious at higher and poured all my ingenuity close, I felt the urge to return After the calibre of boy I’d been York had become, in a convenient into the pursuit of my rather Ato my sexual roots. My univer- accustomed to in sixth form, it extension of the parallel, jaded. His rugged supervisor. Unfortunately, sity career had started with a bang seemed that university was going to complexion blotched from cheap propriety got the better of him and (or, more accurately, with a jolly live up to its promise in the bedroom alcohol, his waistline similarly dete- nothing was to come of that partic- good banging). As James (or elsewhere) arena. riorated, this was not the Adonis I ular exercise. The series of ill- Alexander christened the academic Despite this man, and his spit- remembered. His sexual ability had advised and ill-conceived liaisons year in the induction talk, myself and ting chicken, having become a sym- suffered similarly (or perhaps it was that you, dear reader, have been a fellow fresher christened the top bol of all invigorating at York, I was merely my tolerance levels that had party to during my third year. balcony of Central Hall. This never to come across (in both diminished). My reverie was cut abruptly became the benchmark senses) him again. Until As he plugged away, I took the short by a pre-orgasmic groan from against which I measured all providence leered upon me opportunity to enjoy the view of cam- Mr. York ’04-’07. “Where d’you subsequent baloney pony in Ziggys and I found pus spectacularly lit up by the want to come?” I murmured, in a rides to Tuna Town. myself sandwiched Physics Centre. As I contemplated final attempt to salvage the situa- As a wide-eyed against him at the bar. post-university existence, my sex life tion. “I’m fine here, thanks”, came fresher, this gentleman Overcome by an began to flash before my eyes. The the response. I, on the other hand, seemed to embody all intoxicating cocktail blinding indiscretion of my first year, am very much looking forward to that had attracted of nostalgia, reck- in which my sordid Central Hall ren- pastures new, fresh and fertile. M4 In-depth 20/06/07 Access all areas?

For students with mobility issues, accessibility is central to their university experience, as Toby Green discovers

s potential students continue to visit York on open days, they will be casting a critical eye on Atheir surroundings. The state of the accommodation, their chosen course’s syllabus, the number and qual- ity of drinking establishments: these factors will all play a large part in their final choice of where to spend the next three years. Yet for those prospective students who use wheelchairs and scooters, they will also have to take into account an issue which would never cross the minds of the majority of visitors: the made. “We show them around the means that occasionally this is not pos- the tutor relocates to a spare room problem of accessibility. wheelchair accessible rooms we have sible. “The problem is that we are deal- somewhere else where they can give the Katie Player is the YUSU available because we have many differ- ing with a campus that was predomi- tutorial just as easily.” Disability and Access Officer and a ent layouts and we let them make their nantly built in the 1960s when access Talking to scooter user Stewart wheelchair user herself. She explained choice, since different users have differ- issues were not really considered. Aitken about his experiences with to me that there is one simple obstacle ent needs.” Therefore we get cases, such as when access on campus, it became clear just to someone in a wheelchair. “My One student who has benefited we are trying to widen a corridor for how much one piece of equipment mal- friends always say I’m like a dalek,” says from the help provided by the Office is easier wheelchair access to a seminar functioning can affect those with Katie, “because the only reason daleks Francis Boorman. “I found the aid they room for example, where there are mobility problems: “Lifts are perhaps don’t take over the world is because offered extremely helpful, and they lis- obstacles such as structural beams the most contentious problem for me they can’t climb stairs. A step or a curb which we are not able to move.” in that when they are broken, I can't is the only thing that stops wheelchair Alongside an ongoing campus access the rooms they would take me users, and it becomes a step on top of a “My friends say I’m like a dalek audit working to a five year plan, stu- to. However, repairs have been under- step, which then becomes a staircase.” dents, staff and conference guests can taken speedily and I have been kept in At York, it is the job of the as the only reason daleks don’t also let Estates know when they have the information loop as to progress.” Disability Office, including Disability problems with access and generally He also talks to his department Support Co-ordinator Deb Taylor, to take over the world is because these are dealt with as a matter of pri- about how they can make access easier try and reduce the impact of disabilities ority. In cases where physical construc- for him. “The place where I will be on the day-to-day lives of students. I they can’t climb stairs” tions and adjustments are not possible, studying next year recently implement- asked Taylor what the main aim of the both Estates and the Disability Office ed fire protection improvements which Office was. “The ideal is where every work with the student in question and have made access more difficult, but I person with access difficulties will be tened specifically to my needs. Within a academic departments in order to pro- have been in consultation with them, able to get anywhere on campus, but few days of arriving at university they vide an alternative whilst maintaining and improvements will be made before obviously we’re working with what had fitted a button to my chair so I was an identical service. “Although we’ve the start of the new year.” we’ve got. Thankfully we’ve got a cam- able to remotely open doors.” certainly got it a bit easier than univer- Time and money restraints aside, pus which, I don’t know whether by Working with Taylor and the rest sities who are dealing with huge the general view is both positive about luck or by design, happens not to have of the Disability Office is Russell Bailey, medieval buildings, with some of the the work already done on campus to very many steps.” Access Officer for Estates Services, the original colleges it is difficult to make it help disabled students and hopeful for It’s not just ramps and automatic body that is responsible for the man- all accessible,” says Taylor. “When it is the future. Yet, as I was to find out, doors that the Disability Office works agement and the development of the difficult to provide full accessibility in a York city centre was a different story. In to implement and Taylor has already university buildings. He stresses that building, we aim to provide the same an attempt to gain a small glimpse into been in contact with some of next year’s whilst their emphasis is on making facilities elsewhere to the same degree. the difficulties posed by environments student intake, inviting them to be physical changes to the campus as “If students can’t get into a partic- built around the needs of able-bodied shown around campus and discuss any much as possible, time constraints and ular area for their tutorial because their people to those with mobility issues, I special provisions that need to be the nature of some of the buildings corridor isn’t big enough, we ask that decided to spend some time around 20/06/07 In-depth M5

York in a wheelchair myself. Katie was encouraging: “I think it’s a really good idea, but you can’t cheat. And you will want to cheat. I’m sure you’ll find it easy. Well, maybe…” The one thing that hit me was the way in which people simply failed to take any notice of my ‘needs’. There were plenty of what Katie calls “sympa- thy stares”, yet on a busy Friday the crowds didn’t seem to realise that I needed more space than they did. If people got out the way at all, they did so only at the last moment. People walk- ing towards me gave me only the nar- rowest gap with which to pass them, meaning I was almost forced into the road on a number of occasions. It wasn’t only about giving me space; people also interacted with me differently. Katie had warned me that “when shopping with someone, you’ll find shop assistants don’t talk to you, they talk to the person you’re with. Even when I’ve directly asked them a question some people will talk to the person I’m with.” I found this out for myself when taking the FTR bus back to campus. Although clearly displaying I was capable of speech when being helped on by a conductor, he chose to bypass me and address my companion as to where we were getting off. It was a very strange experience, as if my com- panion was somehow a ‘real’ grown-up who was there in order to be responsi- ble for my well-being. In terms of access to shops, there was a wide variety in quality. Some, such as Marks and Spencer, had nice wide passageways which were easy to traverse. Others, such as Jack Wills, had that dreaded step. In 2004, Narrow and crowded pavements mean that wheelchair and scooter changes were made to the Disability Discrimination Act that required “busi- users often find it difficult to get around York. Photos: Georgi Mabee nesses and other organisations to take reasonable steps to tackle physical fea- dents—it’s like a necessary evil for student with a visual or hearing tures that act as a barrier to disabled them.” impairment in your seminar group, people who want to access their servic- I asked Stewart how he felt the don’t be afraid of saying the wrong es.” Taylor is “amused” by its effects on attitude of his fellow students was thing; ask the student themselves.” York city centre. “I found suddenly towards wheelchair and scooter users. For Katie, the importance is main- there were cases such as doorbells “Students are in general very helpful, ly for people to just have it in their attached to gates outside for wheel- however there are some issues. For minds. “It doesn’t have to be a con- chair access, but the bell would be quite example, sometimes students will meet scious thing so that people are panick- low down or you wouldn’t be able to friends and stop and chat in the most ing, thinking: ‘Oh God, we must all get reach it if you were in a wheelchair. We awkward places. They will see you com- ramps’. It’d just be good if people read- have lots of places where they will pull ing and ignore you until you ask them ing this think that one day, if they out their new piece of technology, but to move. opened a shop or restaurant, they may there’s a difference between it seeming It is these examples of people just get a ramp or a big toilet. People need to be accessible and it actually working. not thinking, rather than deliberately to realise that making provisions isn’t These are places that will have made “Everything, including this restricting wheelchair access, that as hard as it seems.” the effort but possibly need to think Taylor believes show it is vital to raise Taylor believes that it is society’s about it a little more.” campus, is designed on the awareness. “One of the examples that responsibility to work towards a differ- Katie agrees: “In general clubs are I’ve enjoyed using in the past is the ent attitude to access. “Everything, a nightmare. As a result I tend to go to assumption that people have rule that you are not allowed to ride including this campus, is primarily places that I know, or I pop my chair bikes on the covered walkways. Many designed on the assumption that peo- outside and my friends carry me the ability to get around easily” people think, ‘What’s the point of that?’ ple have the ability to get around, and around which is fine as I’m light and and do it anyway. The problem is peo- to get around very easily. In fact, any chuckable. You find the places that are and Welfare Officer from 2005-2006, ple on bikes tend to assume people will ability that any of us have is only tem- good, the places which are bad, and and I asked him whether he thought an move out the way, yet for a variety of porary. As we get older our mobility stick to it.” attitude change was needed. “From reasons the person in front of you may gets less, and you’ll find the slopes A prime, and rather amusing, what I saw, people need to move away not be aware of your presence. There work for older people too and so on. It’s example is Toffs. “Their disabled access from thinking they need to improve was once a nasty accident where a deaf not just helping the disabled; there are takes you into the indie room where access because of legality or ‘duty’, and student hadn’t heard a cyclist’s bell, things that can be done that can make there is a small area around two square move towards wanting to improve and they ended up getting tangled.” life easier for everybody and it is these metres, and then steps. So you are able access because they believe disabled It’s also important for her that kinds of things that we’re steadily try- to get into those two square metres but students are equal partners in society.” people aren’t afraid to ask their fellow ing to get implanted. With the nowhere else!” Through her role in the He picked out an example from his students if they think they may need University, we’re trying to move away Students’ Union, she is currently in dis- time as part of the Students’ Union. help, but are unsure about what they from ‘Oh, look, that person is disabled cussion with Toffs, in the hope that “When James Alexander was can do: “Don’t automatically make and we’re having to do things for them’. their planned construction for a smok- President, he went all-out to organise a assumptions that people see things, do If the little things are thought about, it ing area will mean that wheelchair Disability Awareness training session things, hear things, move, and walk in means that disability doesn’t become as users will have a greater freedom. “I’m for SU officers and embarrassed those the same way as you do. If you have a much of an issue.” going to go in there and tell them who didn’t go by publicly naming and where I think ramps should go, and shaming them. It was an excellent ses- Student support workers they might turn around and say no but sion and I felt it really changed people’s I’m going to give it a try anyway.” views. However, when I suggested The Disability Office are constantly on the lookout for student support Unsurprisingly Ziggy’s is “awful”, but something similar to my fellow officers workers. They do a variety of different work to assist students with dis- Evil Eye, Dusk and HaHa! all get the last year, one response was, ‘Oh God, abilities with academic tasks. These include note-taking, reading aloud thumbs up, mainly because of the size not that again, what a waste of time.’ So notes and worksheets, and helping students use the library. The work of their disabled toilets. you see how some people can’t really be is flexible and pays £10 an hour. If you’re interested, email Deb Taylor Neil Barnes was YUSU Academic bothered with access for disabled stu- at: [email protected]. M6 In-depth 20/06/07 An orgasm of one’s own: For the generation of women reared on Carrie Bradshaw’s writings, the concept of Sayeed talks to three women who have chosen to pursue careers in alternative sex

woman must have money 60- to 80-hour week, she admits: “The who few, if any, of you will have heard Tampax”. The piece questioned and a room of her own if work pays well, but boy, do you have to of, is Ron Coleman. whether, now that women had a more she is to write fiction.” The work for it.” When Jacqueline Gold first prominent role in the Houses of “Acrux of Virginia Woolf’s One aspect of Dubberley’s Scarlet pitched her idea for what would Parliament, the VAT on sanitary prod- polemic on female creativity—first magazine is ‘cliterature’—aptly named, become the £74 million-a-year Ann ucts would be eliminated. The 17.5% declared in 1928 and walloped around in regards to Woolf’s thesis, for its Summers Industry, to a wholly male- tax mark-up on a three quid pack of the theoretical arena ever since— amalgam of that female space and fic- dominated boardroom, Coleman tampons effectively meant that women resounds today more than ever for the tion specifically for women. Cliterature declared: “I don’t care what you say, were paying the equivalent of £16,000 post-Sex and the City generation. Sure, is unique to Scarlet as the only example women aren’t interested in sex.” Apart in a lifetime for the sake of an incon- the envisaged room is a “post-war of erotic fiction in a UK women’s mag- from suggesting the world population venient and unavoidable bodily process Upper-East side walk-up” and the azine and is, in effect, a microcosm of was spawned via rape, this little that debilitates you for a week all in the finances are limited by a substance Dubberely’s first enterprise in 2001: remark almost cheated the Gold name of that imperative public service, abuse problem (expensive footwear), www.cliterati.co.uk. She describes this Industry of an extra £87.4 million in procreation. “It’s basically a tax on but the ethos remains the same: for as “the UK’s first text-based sex website revenues per annum. Suffice to say, being female”, comments Dubberley. women to create, they need agency. for women”, which now boasts more Alas, the idea was shunned by the male In a twist on Woolf’s argument, than 2000 stories. Frustrated with the editor of Cosmopolitan at the time who ‘sexpert’ and writer Emily Dubberley wealth of erotic material available for “Personally, I’m a great believer griped: “Well, it’s a nice idea but we generates the “money” by writing about men and the comparatively destitute don’t see it as an issue that is relevant sex for the traditionally inscribed sex. “wank-material for women”, Dubberley in rebranding words like ‘slut’ to the majority of our readers.” Indeed; Founder and Editor-at-large of both declares, “I was pissed off and thought it is a women’s magazine after all. Scarlet magazine and Cliterati (not for- that there should be some out there. I so that they become much Gold Group also found themselves getting author of 12 books in the last chatted to about 200–300 women over misjudging the market before four years), Dubberley’s prolific career a year, asking, ‘What do you want in a more positive and liberating” Jacqueline Gold stepped in. As she has centred on a process of “reclaim- magazine?’, and they all came back says: “The primary market was mostly ing”. The magazine was originally sup- with ‘honest representations of sex’”. Ron no longer forms part of the Gold the dirty-raincoat brigade as well as posed to be called Peach, but Both Cliterati and cliterature are Group. tourists and gay men”, and the profits Dubberley eschewed this title as amassed by “any woman adding her Sphinx-like as we are, the mystery weren’t dazzling by any means. sounding like a “paedo or spanking fantasy to the site.” Whereas Woolf that is woman is one rarely deciphered However, when Gold began what she magazine”, and instead settled on lamented that females were “locked in by men with much accuracy and is too saw as her “mission to feminise the Scarlet. “Personally, I’m a great believer by the safety and prosperity of one sex often substituted to stubbornly-held, world of sexual pleasure”, things start- in re-branding words such as ‘slut’ so and the poverty and insecurity of the erroneous projections of their own ed to change. Inspired by ‘Tupperware’, that they become much more positive other”, Cliterati effectively reimburses imaginations. Dubberley encountered the first party-based selling business of and liberating, rather than a ‘keep you women for all those Playboy and a similar situation. After graduating ‘50s America, Gold set up Ann in your place’ kind of thing. I thought Hustler years, and has engendered a with a degree in Psychology, specialis- Summers ‘party-plan’, and their first we couldn’t call it ‘Slut’ because that secure, safe forum to express their sex- ing in female sexual fantasies and sex- year’s gross turnover was £80,000. was too full on, but ‘Scarlet Woman’ uality. Following Woolf’s proviso, uality, she moved to London and was According to Gold, the reason the was the old fashioned equivalent, so it Dubberley encourages creativity in her soon shortlisted for the Cosmopolitan party-plan flourished with such tri- was a re-branding in that way”. sex—and while a part of this process is Scholarship. After enrolling on the umph was that, at that time, “the sex Reckoning with that feared taboo through sex fiction, the rest works to Cosmopolitan programme she was business was biased in favour of men. of the sexual woman, Dubberley’s work dismantle the fictions written by men Inside an Ann asked to come up with two feature There just weren’t opportunities for seems an active reaction to when Woolf about female sexuality. Summers store. ideas based on the new influx of women to buy products to enhance “burst out in scorn at the reprehensible And what tangled yarns do some Photo supplied women into the Houses of Parliament. their lives. The concept of sexual pleas- poverty of our sex”. Granted, of them weave. Leaving Hardy, She offered up one on the last remain- ure was something that seemed to Dubberley’s writing facilitates the Hemingway and Genesis on the back by Ann ing Suffragette and another more con- exclude the idea of women as con- financial issue; but with a demanding burner for now, one such male author Summers troversial proposal: “Don’t Tax my sumers, [it wasn’t] female friendly.” One explanation for why the par- ties worked so well, and still do, is because they are completely female zones, in which women don’t feel the need to conform to a masculine per- spective. Gold clarifies: “Our parties are a chance for women to escape their husbands, kids and careers, to forget being a mother or an accountant for a while, and tap into another side of themselves”. All in the name of research, I decided to allow my friends a chance to escape their boyfriends, books and degrees and host an Ann Summers Party myself. To ease the slight tension, party organiser Anne* started us off with a game of musical chairs. Grudgingly, we put our tightly clasped drinks and Cadbury’s Mini Rolls to one side and took our places. The game was simple enough: Anne would ask us a question with a true or false answer, and if it was true we had to move one seat to the right. By the end of the game I think it is accurate to say that we were all quite physically and emo- tionally bonded, having been forced to 20/06/07 In-depth M7 women who spank back female empowerment now stretches from the boardroom into the bedroom. Sara industries: those of lingerie, therapy and the aptly named ‘cliterature’

clamber onto each others laps and let the opportunity to gain tension release our sex secrets out into the ether of my by shooting off, but not the other, is Badger Hill living room. If only walls beyond me. The fraught relationship could talk, a dalek probably wouldn’t between men and the vibrator is due be the only thing being aimed in my largely to the fact that vibrators allow direction by my OAP neighbours en women to access pleasure that has route to the corner shop. But the game nothing whatsoever to do with men. It unveiled some interesting points about is literally in our own hands—and women and their sexcapades. To pro- female agency, as always, is considered tect identities as much as I can, I’ll something threatening. refer in generalities: “Have you ever Interestingly, the one question been caught in the act?”—the majority that came up in the musical chairs moved; “Have you ever slept with any- game which posed a smidgen of dis- one else’s guy?”—everyone stayed root- composure was, “Have you had an ed to the spot and indignant exclama- orgasm this week?” The question was tions erupted; “Have you had sex this no more probing or outlandish than week?” —a few moved, the rest gri- the others; if anything it was the most maced, scowled or surreptitiously clinical of them all. The issue, I think, reached for a voodoo doll; “Have you was that it was perhaps too intimate a ever faked an orgasm?”—most smirked topic for girls to discuss outright. Not and nodded. because it was taboo, or because it had Ever since Harry met Sally, the been contorted and subjected to patri- faking of the female orgasm has been archal stigma, but simply because it inscribed in cultural lore. Sure, Meg’s was private. Whereas Samantha per- climactic shrieking is never going to haps exemplifies the sexual aspirations prompt sombre ponderings, but isn’t of many woman, Charlotte may repre- the fact that over 70% of women fake sent their sexual reality. Sweet, doe- an orgasm at some point in their lives eyed, Park Avenue–princess Charlotte—at least that’s how many brand her. Of all the SATC women I ‘In Texas it’s illegal to sell a feel she is the most commonly miscon- strued, and I think that the majority of vibrator but not a gun. Why is us are closer to Charlotte than we’d like to admit. Granted, she may not be as it that only men are allowed to brazen as her friends, but she’s certain- ly no prude. Many forget that Charlotte release tension by shooting off?’ not only had sex in the show, but that she enjoyed it—who can forget that just a little depressing? Admittedly, we tumultuous reunion with the sorority can’t all be like Samantha Jones, who girls who snubbed her for zealously off- declared, “when I RSVP to a party, I loading her frustrations with her impo- make it my business to come”, but the tent kilt-clad husband? Or when her stigma that we should and the weighty addiction to the Rabbit reached such

expectation of our arrival is a burden heights that Carrie and Miranda had to RACHEL HOLLOWAY RACHEL borne by many women solely to further intervene AA style and wrestle it from nurture the male ego. Whatever hap- her? Charlotte was just as sexual as the In their careers and relationships, these women wear the suspenders pened to the ethos that when you turn other three women on the show —she up at a bad party, it’s frankly okay to just didn’t feel like waxing lyrical on it tions. Through physical examination, I She offers the example of a woman, grab your coat, hail a cab and leave? so much. was also able to pick up fears and fan- lying in bed with her long-term Ann Summers has made it its business Sex therapist Jo Woolf is more tasies about the genitals.” boyfriend, who turns over and says to create a different kind of party, acquainted with the Charlottes of the Woolf’s work demonstrates that a “Darling, can we try anal sex?” Now, where women not only stay till the end, world, the women who “don’t seek out key aspect of sexual liberation is not, as she may really not want to, but “she’ll but also leave satisfied. the information, who avoid the expo- some might assume, being comfortable feel pressured into saying ‘yes’ because Yes, the contentious vibrator. Ann sure TV and everything, because they enough to brandish your Rabbit in she’s been with him for a long time and Summers boasts a selection of some 50 have their own particular set of fears Vanbrugh Bar and burn your bra on by the media pressure of ‘if you’re sexu- vibrators, the most famous of course and anxieties”. Like Charlotte, these the way out—it’s having the confidence al than you should’.” Dubberley’s sug- being the Rampant Rabbit. Most men, women aren’t silenced by the male to talk about sexual issues, to “recog- gestion for handling this situation? Say if you’ll allow me to generalise, regard thumb, they just find it difficult to talk nise that your sexual problems count as to him: “I will if you will—tomorrow the vibrator either with discomfort and about their sexual problems. Jo began valid problems and that it’s acceptable we’ll buy a strap on and I’ll take you trepidation or just plain, no-holds- initially as a GP and then trained as a to have them looked at.” first. And if the bloke says ‘no’ to that, barred ridicule. My housemate com- specialist in psycho-sexual medicine. Emily Dubberley elucidates a dif- he has absolutely no right to keep on mented, “Most men are shocked to She recounts how, “When I was in gen- ferent facet of the sexually liberated nagging you.” learn that their girlfriends use vibra- eral practice, inevitably I would see woman—the one who has the confi- Few women realise the extent of tors. But why? It’s a biological fact that women come in for smears, who had dence to say “no, thanks”. “I hate the sexual control they have over men in penises don’t vibrate.” One of my anxieties because there was something word normal. I’m completely anti the their lives. So often written into the friends exclaimed, upon being enlight- not quite right down below. I had a whole, ‘to be a sexually liberated roles of the victims of an over-zealous ened to the existence of ‘the Bunny’, facility for listening and hearing and woman you must have had a three- male libido or the ‘lie back and think of “My girlfriend doesn’t need a vibrator! they would tell me stories. When some- some, had anal sex and dabbled in England girl’, many of us forget that at I can satisfy her five times over!”— body comes into the room, I’m going to bondage.’ It’s about being sexually con- the end of the day, it takes two. As again, biological factors might dispute listen to their story the way they want fident, which means you do what you Frederike Ryder so succinctly put it: that claim. Notably, in Texas it is illegal to tell it, but I’m also going to pick up want to do and you don’t do what you “When a man goes on a date he won- to sell vibrators, but it is still legal to * name has other signs from the way they tell their don’t want to do. It takes a lot more ders if he is going to get lucky; a sell guns. Why the one sex is afforded been changed stories, the non verbal communica- guts to say ‘no’ than it does to say ‘yes’.” woman already knows.” M8 In-depth 20/06/07

always go onto Google Earth. I can see the house I was born in. It’s still there now. I show “Imy children and I say: ‘This is our house’. I always want to go back to this house.” Jabbar Hasan’s house is in Al- Karada, an affluent suburb of Baghdad, Iraq. On the computer screen, it could be on a sunny street anywhere in the world. Rows of large houses with gen- erous gardens are lined by pavements kept cool by the shade of overhanging trees. He describes the area as being “surrounded by the river on three sides; a very nice area. It’s a big house, detached, the kind of house you would dream of in this country.” Hasan has not seen this house in 32 years. He is now the director of the Iraqi Association, an organisation cre- ated to support the large diaspora of Iraqis in the UK. In 1975 he was forced to leave his home country as a result of politics. An exile at 19, he came to London to complete his higher educa- tion. While Hasan was at university, Saddam Hussein seized control of the Ba’ath party, and with it the country. In 1982, the secret police confiscated his house in Baghdad. Hasan’s parents and sisters were dumped on the Iranian Hasan stares out the window and con- understand how it might feel to turn on Above: Najim about Iraq, they said, you must first border and told never to return. His tinues his narrative. “My mother went the television and see smoke rising Shamma’s fami- talk about Saddam. brother was arrested and disappeared back after the removal of Saddam. She from your home city, the streets you ly after they For many of us in the West, inside Saddam’s increasingly brutal went to see the house. She was so once walked on now the scenes of gun Saddam Hussein is a fading memory. judicial system. Hasan never saw him depressed she couldn’t stay there and battles. I wanted to compare the pres- were deported. Dead for six months now, he is rarely again, but suspects that his body lies in came back. She said everything had entation of Iraqi society in the media to Below: defaced invoked in any media discussion of the one of the many mass graves that have changed. Everything we had hoped for the one given by Iraqis themselves. I murals of situation in Iraq today. At the mention been exhumed since 2003. for 25 years... a dream that never came was looking for the insights into the Saddam of his name, we think of his haggard, Sitting in the cluttered offices of true. He destroyed everything.” current situation afforded by a native’s Hussein blinking emergence from the hole out the Iraqi Assocation, based in a council I set about speaking to London’s affinity with the culture. Yet each time I of which he was dragged by American building in Hammersmith shared by Iraqi community with the aim of talk- raced down these avenues of inquiry, I troops in 2003, and the hollow rheto- nearly a dozen refugee associations, ing about the present. I wanted to was politely stopped. If you want to talk ric of defiance at his trial. For us it 20/06/07 In-depth M9 ‘We’re isolated. Our grief is killing us’

frustration. This is a marked difference affirms this view. “It was a big relief for get it from there. This is not possible Members of Britain’s Iraqi to the past 35 years when all that was us. At least we achieved something, we because of my health.” He looks distant wrong with Iraq could be embodied by got rid of him. He faced what we think as he speaks. “Saddam Hussein took Saddam. Aya Jaffar Al-Kadhimi, a stu- was a very fair trial. His crimes were my papers, he took my country.” community have seen dent who now lives in Canada, told me exposed and he was executed, although The distance from home makes that in her home the very word it was in an unprofessional way. We are the current violence all the more diffi- their homeland destroyed ‘Saddam’ was used as a curse whenever all hoping, working, struggling for a cult to bear. Hasan tells me, “We are anything went wrong. As I listen to the new Iraq. But people must face fair tri- currently dealing with a family who lost passion with which Saddam is spoken als and be treated like humans, whoev- two family members. They are grand- by a dictator and now of by those who spent years fighting er they are. This became like a parents living here in Hounslow. They him, I can’t help but feel that for some revenge.” lost their son in Iraq, six months ago. must watch it being torn their opposition to him has become an For Zahraa, the strong undercur- He was assassinated. Two weeks ago important part of their identity. rent of revenge rather than justice that their granddaughter was killed in the Raf Sanchez Perhaps inevitably, this concentra- seemed to motivate Saddam’s execu- street. She was only five years old. They apart by war. tion of emotion on a single figure, how- tioners undermined whatever cathar- said one thing. They said if they were ever distant, can lead in some cases to sis his death might have been able to back home they could have mourned meets the people the forming of a twisted sort of rela- provide. “To me, it was a childish their loss much easier. ‘Here, we are tionship with him. Zahraa Al-Shamary school trick; to show the leader of the isolated. We are mourning amongst is a dentistry student at Bristol. Born in other gang that this was our territory ourselves. It is killing us.’ It has been struggling to come to Iraq, she has since spent most of her now. I preferred Saddam alive because the same for every Iraqi here.” life in the UK. Despite experiencing I could hate him without the burden of If there is anything more painful terms with the fate of the relatively little time under Saddam’s guilt. I can’t hate him anymore because than each individual’s loss of Iraq, it is regime, she still has intense feelings he’s dead. He can’t defend himself.” the collective loss, the sense that towards the dictator: “They say you Saddam was eventually convicted Saddam took Iraq from itself. country to which they still grow to love your enemy. I grew to love and executed for the murder of 148 Throughout the community, the old Saddam. He was cynically overpower- people in Dujail, a Shit’ite town in and the young, those who lived in Iraq long to return ing; dominant yet detrimental; he was northern Iraq. Estimates of the total and those who never have, there is an passionate about his land. I watched killed during his regime, however, are enormous pride in their country. The him on satellite television. I read about as high as 2 million. Like Hasan, many walls of the Iraqi Association are cov- him in books. I knew his hobbies, of the Iraqis I spoke to could name ered in photos of the Mesopotamian seems that the situation in Iraq has habits and addictions.” close family members and friends who architecture of Babylon. Iraq’s title as moved on; Saddam is no longer rele- I sense that many in the Iraqi com- had disappeared into Ba’athist jails, the ‘Cradle of Civilisation’ is often vant. Yet for the Iraqis I spoke to, any munity share a similar level of knowl- never to be seen again. The weight of evoked. The point repeated again and discussion of what is happening today edge of Saddam; he might have been a the dead is suffocating. Yet, beneath it again is that the madness that plays must always take place against the figure of distant enmity, but he was also are more subtle, yet important, losses across our television screens is not rep- backdrop of the regime he personified. one of disturbing familiarity. For this that need to be understood in order to resentative of Iraq, but rather the result As Hasan puts it: “Saddam was Iraq, reason, I was intrigued to know how it have even a vague idea of the pain of the vestiges of Saddam’s poison, still and Iraq was Saddam.” felt when he was finally executed on Saddam inflicted. coursing through the infected veins of The importance of Saddam is December 30 2006—the first day of The first is that Iraq, and with it the country. unsurprising when you consider that an important part of their identity, was Perhaps the most painful manifes- many of the London-based Iraqis have brutally torn from them. Hasan’s long- tation of this venom is the sectarian spent decades watching him from afar “If I went to Baghdad now I ing to return to the house of his birth is violence currently sweeping the coun- and campaigning and praying for his followed by an acknowledgment of bit- try, presented as a division along downfall. Hasan explains how would get lost. I’m a complete ter reality when I ask him if he sees Sunni-Shi’ite-Kurd lines. Safa Hadi Al- thoughts of Iraq will never leave those himself ever returning to live in Iraq. “I Mafraji, a student and the son of a for- forced to leave it: “Iraq is a daily ingre- stranger in the town in which I have to be realistic,” he says. “Go back mer Iraqi Communist party official, dient of our day—the one time we don’t to what? If I went to Baghdad now I insists that before Saddam, “Iraqis talk or think about Iraq is in our sleep. was born and brought up” would get lost. I’m a complete stranger. were united; we had Jewish musicians, That is, if we don’t dream about it.” If you and I were to go together, the Assyrian athletes, Kurds holding sever- Like Hasan, Dr Abbas Al- only difference would be that I speak al ministries. All working under one Hussaini has spent nearly his entire Eid ul-Adha, an important Islamic day. the language, and you don’t. We would flag and banner. Now, everyone works adult life struggling for a country he How does it feel when the wall against both be strangers in the town in which for his own sect, own race, own reli- left in 1972. Today he is a Senior which you have pushed for so long sud- I was born and brought up in.” gion. Before 2003 no one asked me if I Lecturer at the University of denly gives way before you? Najim Shamma is a former civil was Arab or Kurd. Now a small minor- Westminster’s School of Architecture. The range of responses to this engineer I met at a meeting organised ity of people go into details asking me While studying in Britain in the early question is as diverse as the communi- by the Iraqi Association. Eager to talk not only if I’m Arab or Kurd, but also if 1980s, Al-Hussaini was a prominent ty itself. When I put it to Hasan, he about his home and his past, he speaks I’m Shi’ite or Sunni.” member of the Iraqi Student Society, a smiles slowly and defers to his young kindly and slowly to me in somewhat Yet for all that has changed and all no-longer existent offshoot of the NUS. son, who looks no older than 10 and broken English (he refers to it jokingly that has been lost, there is still a palpa- The struggle to galvanise support has been playing contentedly at his as his “second-hand language”). He ble sense of optimism. Hasan and Al- against Saddam was a frustrating one. father’s desk for the course of the inter- was deported in 1980 with his family; Hussaini, both of whom have watched The Labour party and elements within view. The moment is a strange one. The his newborn son was just over a week Iraqi politics for decades, predict the the trade unions were sympathetic but boy ponders briefly. “Well, sort of… old. From his wallet he produces a lov- insurgency to be in its last throes, and impotent, while Thatcher’s govern- happy,” he begins. “He did many crimes ingly preserved photograph of the fam- claim to see the first signs that the Iraqi ment showed more concern over keep- against humanity; he made a lot of peo- ily taken several years later in Iran. He people are beginning to turn against ing Iraq as an ally against Iranian rad- ple suffer and die. So, I think it’s good tells me of being forced out of Iraq: the insurgents. Whatever the future icalism and Soviet expansion. for him to be dead, so we can be fin- “The people who deported me and my brings, Iraq will continue to hold an Today the enemies in Iraq are, for ished with him, once and for all; so we family took my papers too. I am Iraqi immovable place in the hearts of its the most part, faceless. The conflict is can move on with our lives.” The but I have no proof to say that I was displaced community. As Aya puts it: made up of glimpses of masked insur- answer is delivered with thoughtful Iraqi. No one believes me. I went to the “Walking in a dirty street anywhere gents and the unsigned work of suicide confidence, the vocabulary picked up in Iraqi Ambassador to say to them would just be walking in a dirty street; bombers. There is no one at whom a political household and employed ‘Please give me my Iraqi nationality’, but walking in a dirty street in Iraq Iraqis can channel their hatred and with the simple logic of a child. Hasan but they told to me go to Baghdad and would feel a million times better.” M10 Feature 20/06/07 In the buff: bareback riders

Sam Noble strips down to his Speedos and joins York’s nudist cyclists in a protest against oil dependency. Would you dare to bare for the city’s naughtiest bike ride?

am an idiot, I thought, as I waited Like most people who will be side the library and arrived in town, York is, with its cobbled streets, in a queue of men and women of reading this, I do genuinely care about we’d be waiting by the bus stop, with a Georgian terraces and lush parks. I all shapes, sizes, and colours. All the gargantuan of cars clogging up the smug grin and an extra pint in our bel- didn’t want to be anywhere else as the Iof a similar mental disposition, roads and the effect it has on dying lies. sun shone on me—and I certainly did- however—all naked. I am an idiot, I Mother Nature. When my mum used I may still be an idiot, but this n’t want any clothes on. repeated to myself. to drive me to school, we’d cynically naked cycle felt like a vindicated To say the experience was surreal As my friends and family will protest against the country’s dependen- is a breath-taking understatement. We agree, I will do anything if challenged cy on four-wheeled transport. When I cycled at a leisurely pace, accompanied to. Even if I’m only being teased or ‘It was surreal. The stereo asked my fellow cyclists what their by a stereo that played ‘The Bare slightly goaded, no matter how silly, I’ll motivation was for taking part in the Necessities’ and ‘Don’t Worry, Be be there with bells on. So my mind was played ‘The Bare Necessities’. ride, it was clear their nudity was all for Happy’, accurately capturing the mood caught between two polar positions fun, but that they appreciated what we of us merry cyclists. We made a when dared to do the second annual Everyone we passed either were protesting against. Oil dependen- cacophony of noise with our bells, York Naked Bike Ride. Did I really cy is bad, they said again and again— whistles, horns and cheering as we want to join the party of hippies and all laughed or cheered us on’ promoting alternatives is good. I passed gobsmacked pedestrians and those other people to whom gravity has laughed at the slogans emblazoned people in their cars. Every person we been severely unkind as they cycled count the number of cars with lone onto people’s backs, my favourite being passed either laughed happily, clapped, around York in their birthday suits? Or drivers in the long queues of traffic. We from an elderly gent who had ‘Nude is smiled maniacally or cheered us on, would it just be a bit of harmless fun? would berate them for their wanton good’ written on his behind, while his appreciative of the silliness that we had As I stood there in my pink Speedos, I disregard for car pooling and the envi- sweaty John Thomas rested on his sad- all embraced. I felt less of an idiot and couldn’t help thinking, once again: “I ronment. As soon as I was dropped off, dle. A bunch of tattooed bikers covered more like a hero; we were treated like am an idiot.” however, we would both avoid making their modesty with ‘I’m only here for astronauts in the ’60s driving through The Naked Bike Ride is a protest eye contact as we realised with shame the crack’. a ticker-tape parade. What an utter against our country’s oil dependency, that we were both hypocrites. Now my We left Memorial Park at 6pm to pleasure to do something completely an unfortunate consequence of our mother cycles to work and I try to the sound of a large crowd cheering ridiculous and make a group of other- reliance on cars. The aim is to promote walk everywhere as much as possible, and snapping away at us with their wise indifferent people happy. other means of travel, particularly which in York is completely feasible. cameras. The police cyclists who While in this wistful mood, I cycling, public transport and walking. I’m certainly not judging anyone, but it escorted us looked exasperated and thought of the paradoxical nature of The cyclists’ nudity was supposed to confounds me that anyone would want sweaty in black, while us naturists the English. On one hand, we are a represent the fragility of cyclists who to pay £1.50 for a single on the number enjoyed the feel of the breeze on ordi- moody, quiet and reserved nation. If face careless drivers everyday; lorries, four into town when the city centre is narily hidden parts of our bodies. The you’ve ever tried to spark up an irrever- four-by-fours and cars who show disre- only 20 minutes away from campus. cycle took us towards the Minster, ent conversation with someone on the gard for us peddling, environmentally- When I lived in Derwent, I’d walk into through town towards Clifford’s Tower, Tube, you’ll know what I mean. On the friendly types. Whilst I basked in the town with like-minded thrifty gentle- all the way down to Millennium Bridge, other hand, we are an island of charac- sun, I thought about the issues (and my men as our friends would board the then back through Micklegate towards ters who embrace silliness, fun and the idiocy) over and over again, bus. By the time the bus A nearly naked Coney Street and finishing surreal like no other, as Father wondering whether it was collected Sam gestures finally in the Museum Christmas on a unicycle next to me really worth the potential t h e to the camera. Gardens. The route demonstrated by booming out his humiliation. m a n y reminded me just how green politics in rhyming couplets. We passen- Photo: Georgi beauti- may be naked idiots, yes. But g e r s Mabee f u l I’m proud of it. from out- 20/06/07 Events M11

Woodstock 2006 (clock- wise from left): Fenna Rhodes and the True Ingredients; the crowd show their appreciation; a daring student takes on the lake. Photos: Georgi Mabee

Woodstock ‘07: best yet

the fact that this is live music you can performers are a mishmash of newbies samba beats and, who could forget, This year’s Woodstock is listen to on the cheap, with all your and old hands. Both …Accept some moves from the limber ladies and friends and in your own backyard—it is Instruction and Apply the Brakes came gents that make up Pole Exercise. the 12 hours of pure, unadulterated, from nowhere to reach the final of (and, The SU’s cunning food and drink set to be the biggest yet. home-grown music which makes this in the former’s case, win) BoB 2007 provisions mean that it’s perfectly pos- campus event one that you should defi- back in March and now, with “about sible, as I learned first-hand last year, to Jo Shelley previews one nitely RSVP to. This year, in particular, two other gigs” to their names, are also spend an entire day within the prepared to be surprised (if not awed) headlining. But no Woodstock would be Woodstock enclosure. There’s a bar- by the talent on offer. Battle of the complete (in this day and age at least), beque from 2-8pm and two bars, open music festival you won’t Bands finalists, jugglers, choirgirls, without Fenna Rhodes, golden boy of from midday until 11pm. flamethrowers, Fenna—they’re all here. the York hip-hop scene. He is rumoured Sam Daunt, this year’s Woodstock need your wellies for From the top down, then; headlin- to be appearing for the last time with Coordinator, says, “This is an event that ing are BoB’s trio of medal-winners: his band, The True Ingredients. you just can't miss. It's a 12-hour event Make It Better Later, …Accept The real selling point of this year’s with lots of alcohol, food, and music usic, free love, mud: three Instruction (formerly known as Clip festival is the number of acts allowed to and, at £3 , it's insanely good value for terms that defined the Apex) and Apply the Brakes. perform on the day. About 30 bands, money. And it's all for charity, which MWoodstock’s celebrated name- Make It Better Later’s rise to the musical ensembles, dance troops and gives people an excuse to drink even sake but seem, at first, to make for coveted 11.15pm slot is the ska punk the like have been allotted a slot in the more than usual! As it’s not ticketed rather unfortunate comparisons for the kid’s inspirational story of rags to rich- schedule. The reason? The organisers entry, people can just come down York version. Mud? It’s difficult to dirty es, if ever there was one. After just a have not only constructed a stage out- whenever they want and see what's the concrete that paves the delightfully year and half together, the band’s first side on Vanbrugh Paradise, which will happening.” named Vanbrugh Paradise. Free love? notable achievement was getting play host to the more mainstream If you don’t fancy paying the £3 Tricky to feel its vibe when metal barri- knocked out in the BoB heats in 2006. bands, they have also built one inside entry donation, however, or don’t want ers have been used to cage in the speci- They’ve gone on, however, to play Vanbrugh Dining Hall, on which the to face the queues that build up to get fied ‘festival area’ and Door Safe check Leeds Cockpit, record a soon-to-be- likes of Vudu Guru, Arctic Fury, and into the event during the evening, then your bag for booze on the way in (and, released album and share a stage with Continuum will appear. a crowd usually congregates on the should you drink too much, put the Wheatus (and the less well-known It’s an impressive plan that steps by Central Hall, swigging their metaphorical boot to your behind on Zebrahead). Now they’re on the top of increases the variety of performances supermarket-bought beers and enjoy- the way out). Woodstock, I’m afraid, the bill at Woodstock. “It’s quite surre- on offer, resulting in a line-up that ing music away from the clamour freshers, this ‘Woodstock’ is not. al,” said the band’s lead singer, Aaron encompasses music genres from indie around the stage. Or not entirely. What remains, Carey, “I can’t quite believe it myself.” to rock, interspersed with a bit of luckily, is the music and—coupled with The rest of the group of late-night gospel, a turn of eardrum-crushing Woodstock takes place on Saturday June 23 M12 Travel Travel M13 It’s been over 30 years since Tony Wheeler, founder of the Lonely Planet enterprise, set off on his first trail-blazing trip. Venetia Rainey meets the man who has inspired generations of travellers to take up their backpacks and venture into the world of the unknown

should dedicate it to George side to tourism,” he replies. “There are Bush, really; he made me The Lonely Planet tale some things you definitely don’t want write it,” explains a quiet, In 1972, Tony Wheeler and his to see happen, like sex tourism.” “Ismiling man with greying wife Maureen bought a beat-up So is he staunchly against the hair. “I had a lot of fun though, and I minivan in London for £65 Westernisation of destinations? He is, really enjoyed all the places I went to. I and drove it to Kabul. They after all, the original off-the-beaten- had [Bush’s] three axis of evil coun- then travelled across track travelling man. “You go to places tries—Iraq, Iran and North Korea— where you think, ‘20 years ago it was then Burma, Cuba, Afghanistan, Libya, Asia by any means quiet and it was peaceful,’” he says. “But Now’s the time, guys: Saudi Arabia…” He trails off, allowing possible, arriving in if you go to people there and you say, me to imagine the “fun” to be had in Melbourne with ‘Oh, it was nicer when I first came such politically unstable places. “I’ve just 27 cents. In here 20 years ago’, they’ll turn always liked those sorts of places,” he response to the around and say, ‘Yeah, but 20 years continues. “We started Lonely Planet many ques- ago there wasn’t a school for my kids, by going to the odd places in the world. tions they we didn’t have electricity and I was escape the rat race The big publishers were doing the were asked, lucky if I had a bicycle; most of the time Above: Mount “The Hindu religion is such a comic Frances and the Italys and we couldn’t they decid- I walked. And look at it now! I’ve got Everest, Nepal. book, with a Disneyland set up; it is Travel hot spots compete with them, so we had to find ed to write air conditioning and a car and my kids Right: Tony almost difficult to take it seriously. If odd places to do; there weren’t books are in school and I can watch televi- one looks at it as the Hindus do, then it We asked Lonely Planet where they think the next big travel destinations about those countries.” a book: sion!’ And you think: ‘No, that’s not Wheeler becomes meaningful”, or his advice to will be. This is what they told us—prepare to be surprised... I am, of course, talking to none Across Asia on what we want; we want to get away surrounds hippie “freaks” crossing borders: “Do other than Tony Wheeler about his new the Cheap. It was a from what we have at home’. But we himself with a yourself and everyone else a favour and Oman book Bad Lands. He is the founder of massive success and so Lonely have no right to say to them, ‘stay prim- colourful array stay cool”. the now giant guidebook company, Planet was born; a guidebook itive. Don’t get electricity, we like it Statements such as these are a far Part of the Arabian Peninsula, this country is the antithesis of neigh- of Lonely Lonely Planet, whose name was appar- company aiming to promote with the oil lamps.’” cry from those populating the clinical bouring Dubai; it is one of the few remaining relics of the old Arabia. In ently chosen after Tony misheard the innovative, independent travel. The irony for the average back- Planet guide- and politically correct guidebooks of contrast with many places in the Middle East, Oman is politically stable lyrics to the song ‘Space Captain’ (it’s The prologue to the 1973 packer setting off this summer with books today. Apparently, however, I am far and very accessible. Spectacular diving opportunities, breathtaking really ‘lovely planet’). edition is fantastically typical their LP guide in their rucksack is that from alone in bemoaning the deperson- desert treks and ancient Arabian cities are all, as yet, unbeleaguered It is little wonder, considering the of the hippie mentality the it is exactly this type of travel which sets alisation of Lonely Planet’s travel by tourists. Go now. story of how Lonely Planet was found- the wheels in motion to transform a guides: “We keep saying to our writers ed, that even today Tony continues to journey sprung from: “The city, beach or even restaurant from an that people have to have some feel of pioneer and document ‘different’ trav- Asian overland trip has become undiscovered gem into a tourist honey- what their opinion is. It is difficult, elling. Just when we were beginning to so popular in the last five years pot, minus the oil lamps. It’s a conun- there’s no question. Because you end up think that there was nowhere exciting that there’s almost a groove drum: how does a guidebook promote having a number of writers, and they left to go in the world, Tony is releasing worn in the face of the map. are big projects.” his new, fairly controversial book, Few people realise that for the Perhaps the problem lies in the wherein he explores places which, by same cost as jumping on a “‘If we rave about some place in massive public demand for up-to-date his own (and Bush’s) criteria are “bad”. plane in Sydney today and off guidebooks. Even guidebooks that are Questions to be asked of countries in London tomorrow they India we can make or break it. bought the year in which they come out before they can feature in the book could spend several highly sometimes prove out of date and once Trans-Siberian Railway include, firstly: how do they treat their over a year old, their popularity own people? (For example, did you enjoyable months seeing a But as an author, if you do declines rapidly for fear of them being One of the most epic train journeys in the world, the know that in Cuba you are allowed to whole cross section of cul- find something really good you unreliable. Books at Lonely Planet are Trans-Siberian Railway covers 5,772 miles run a restaurant, but you can’t have tures—and get to London! Of put on two or four year rotations, and eight time zones, and takes seven course, being adventurous is no more than 12 seats, because if you do, depending on how popular they are. All days to complete. From Moscow’s you might be competing with the gov- longer a pre-requisite of the just cannot keep it a secret” the time in between two editions is communist architecture to the ernment?) Secondly: how do they treat trip, but if you don’t mind spent revising the first. Authors are their neighbours? And finally: do they roughing it a little you can join independent and sustainable travel, given a few weeks to do their city or Siberian wilderness and finally support terrorism? “It’s much more dif- the thousands of people who when in purely by mentioning a place it part of a country and all of this time is into seaside-based Valdivostock, it ficult to find a ‘good’ land,” he remarks, really have dropped out of the is condemning it to widespread popu- spent checking out every place they is the third longest continuous serv- shaking his head slightly. “To be a ‘bad’ nine-to-five rat race. All you’ve larity, and perversely, its eventual have already included, plus looking out ice in the world. The trans-Manchurian land all you have to do is something demise? “If we rave about some place in for new places to eat, stay, drink, party, got to do is decide to go and the and trans-Mongolian railways run along- bad and then, well, you’re bad. To be a India, we can make or break it, you and so on. In light of this, it is not hard side it, both of which end up in Beijing. good land everything you do has to be hardest part is over. So go.” have to be very cautious about how you to understand why the informal, chatty Expect cramped compartments, vodka at good. If I sell enough copies I’m all set use that power.” That’s exactly it, the style of Tony’s first book has petered to do Bad Lands 2. Zimbabwe would be really want to talk to you about their power of the guidebook; how should out. Unfortunately, some of the more breakfast and a generally raw an obvious case study, and Syria.” country because you are neutral. You’re writers and readers alike approach quirky sections of his book have also Russian experience. Tony has a sense of humour that, an outsider, you’re safe; you’re not such a dangerous medium? “As an disappeared; the section entitled ‘Dope’, perhaps refreshingly, allows him to going to shop them to the government.” author, if you find something really for instance, has sadly faded into a laugh at the state of our world, even This brings up the question of good, you cannot keep it a secret. Some quaint memory of a time before health West Africa after having seen as much of it as he whether or not we should consider pol- readers say, ‘I use your guidebook to and safety went crazy. has. He tells me that, while most of the itics when travelling, especially in light find the places where I don’t want to “People are going to look for drugs Encompassing 15 countries, the opportunity to experi- people he met in the “bad” countries of the so-called War on Terror, which is stay and don’t want to eat, because I whether we tell them about it or not. including the Côte d’Ivoire ence immense geographical were friendly and willing to talk to him, a particularly pertinent issue when know I’m going to meet all the other One of the things we do much more and Sierra Leone, this is he did have a bit of a problem in Saudi exploring countries such as Iraq. “I travellers there’. And fair enough— now is tell people where you would be variety. France, England, one of the least-visited Arabia: “I had less insight than I don’t think you can go anywhere with- that’s quite an imaginative use, really.” crazy to look for it; in Singapore for Germany and Portugal have expected in Saudi Arabia. I talked to out thinking about politics, and if On the subject of guidebooks, I example, you are absolutely nuts to regions of Africa. It makes all exerted colonial influence lots of people, but they were all someone does bring it up, you need to turn the conversation to his first ever even think about it, whereas in Ibiza— up about a fifth of the conti- over parts of the area at some Westerners or Egyptians. The Saudis have a response,” he says. guide; the book that started it all, not that I’m particularly up to date with nent, and its savannahs are point during the last century; just sit at home and count their I am reminded of Nicholas Across Asia on the Cheap, the prede- the drug situation there —I expect you bordered by the Atlantic consequently it is now a scin- money—they don’t work. They don’t Garrigan in The Last King of Scotland, cessor of the famous Asia on a might just get your knuckles rapped.” Ocean and the Sahara tillating mish-mash of cul- drive the taxis or work in the hotels. and ask him what he thinks of the neg- Shoestring. His highly personal and, in Quite a contrast to the advice he dishes Desert, which gives visitors ture, religion, and language. “One of the interesting things ative effects of mindless tourists. places, perhaps a little dated tone runs out in his first guide: ‘If dope is >> about writing the book is that people “There is no question that there is a bad throughout, evident in comments like, what you want then you are going M14 Travel 20/06/07

to the right places! In Bali, mushrooms go down well, the restaurants will pre- pare you an interesting omelette if you supply the mushrooms. Afterwards you can trip gently down to the beach and watch a truly unbelievable sunset.’ I press on, conscious of how fast time is slipping away. Are the only places that are acceptable to go to now the ones that are underdeveloped, with- out basic amenities and as far from home as possible? His pleasant chuckle reassures me that I am wrong: “One can travel for different reasons, I think. Last weekend I went to Paris and had a very enjoyable few days. I stayed in a nice hotel and ate nice food. I was just a reg- ular tourist in a very nice country.” How extraordinarily, well, nice. “France is still one of the most popular destina- tions in the world, and when you go there, you realise why,” he says. “It’s very civilised travelling.” I find myself relaxing in my seat; thank God we are still allowed to travel civilly. Today you would be forgiven for thinking that the only travel worth doing involves one set of clothes, corru- gated tin shacks and either a collection of African orphans or a small herd of endangered turtles. “But equally,” Tony continues on, “one of the trips Maureen and I did this year was this thing called the Plymouth-Banjul challenge. You come to England, buy an old car, and then drive through France, Spain, down into Morocco, through the Western Sahara, and then finally into Banjul, the ,Sustainable travel: do’s and don’ts capital of Gambia. When you get there you give the car away, and it is auc- DO... tioned off with all the other cars in order ... your homework. Find out about each country’s to raise money for charity.” Enough of France, I hear myself background, what you should be supporting with saying, what about England? More your money and what you should definitely be importantly, has he ever been to York? avoiding (eg the fur of an endangered species). “I really didn’t like England when I first returned for sixth form after America,” ... ask questions. People are far more likely to tell he chuckles, “I can see myself spending you what they are really doing in terms of recy- a lot more time here in future, though.” cling, etc. if you ask them to their face—it’s much Sensing he is not quite answering my question, I ask again: has he ever been than being good is being willing to give Bad Lands, then I’m stopping in harder to lie. to York? “It’s funny, when we did our it a go. If you can speak a bit of a lan- Tanzania on the way back to Australia first Britain guide, I thought, this is guage, it makes the world of difference.” to climb Kilimanjaro with some ... focus on the positive things you can do in your crazy, I know India better than I know We are interrupted, at this point, friends.” A pretty standard month then, destination country. Learn the language, for exam- England, and I was born here! So I by a knock on the door. “Are you fin- roughly on par with what I’m getting up ple, and make an effort to understand the culture. ended up writing about the South, the ished yet?” I hear a female voice to myself over the next few weeks. “I Midlands, and the North of Scotland. I enquire. Something about my journalis- used to live in Detroit, you know. It’s DON’T... learnt a lot.” How strange, I think; is tic naivety must have struck him, how- changed a lot over time; some of it is ... take two one-week holidays. Take one two-week York that awful a conversation topic, or ever, and he decides to give me another like a third-world disaster area now.” Is is he just trying to hide something? I five minutes. “I still like travel for the he a fan of the USA, then? “America has holiday instead, and fly between the countries you repeat my question a third time, and sake of travel,” he proceeds. “You know, a lot going for it, it’s just a shame it has are visiting. Simple mathematics says that your finally he yields, albeit begrudgingly (or just bumping into people and meeting a lot going against it as well,” he overall carbon emissions will be greatly decreased people and things happening; general answers coyly. the fewer flights that you take. good fun. But I also like bicycle trips. So where is he a fan of, I find “ They are good fun too.” myself asking. In light of the fact that he ... just stay at hotel chains. Although these places Squat toilets scare What about travel dislikes? Is there must have been to nearly every country play a role in the economy, it is much more benefi- anything that really gets his goat when in the world, where does he find himself people for some he hits the road? “I dislike jetlag.” he drawn back to time and time again? “I cial to stay in locally-owned accomodation. The . , replies quickly, “I dislike tiny hotel actually haven’t been to every country same goes for restaurants. As a general rule, spend- reason I like them rooms where you’re tripping over things in the world,” he replies, shaking his ing money at multi-national chains means that ’ all the time. I don’t dislike squat toilets, head. “That’s a bit too much like ticking your cash is not going to the host country. they re physically on the other hand,” I hear him add, off things on a list for me. I’ve been to good for you” nonchalantly. Really? I find them quite more than 130; Maureen says it’s ... be a stereotypical tourist. Explore the country for irritating, I reply. I have obviously appalling to keep count. One of my yourself, meet local people and think about how touched a nerve here, however, as he friends claims to have done it, but then is it guiltily?): “I’ve never been to York, proceeds to launch into a tirade against how many countries are there in the you are having an impact on your surroundings. no. But I would like to…” toilet-intolerant people: “One of the world? The UN represents 192 official- Following a brief but unashamedly things people have when travelling out ly, but it doesn’t have Taiwan, for exam- Tony Wheeler enthusiastic plugging of our beautiful of their comfort zone is that they are ple. And is Gibraltar a country? Or hangs out with over a dozen times.” Because of the fas- city, I venture into the realm of lan- really scared of toilets. Squat toilets Antarctica? The Lonely Planet Blue List cinating mix of culture and landscape? guages, and the role they play in travel- scare a lot of people for some reason. I book ended up with 235.” He pauses to Iraqi border “Because of the walking,” he smiles gen- ling. Surely, I joke with him, he speaks don’t mind them at all; some people think for a second and the conversation guards; the erously. “I love to walk.” at least five languages, one of which is even argue that they’re physically better is briefly suspended as both of us take in cover of his new I draw the interview to a close by an old African tribal dialect no longer in for you.” For more on Tony Wheeler’s the sound of the English rain beating on book, Bad asking him if he has a travel motto. “If existence. “I am an awful linguist,” he worldwide toilet shenanigans, check the glass roof of the room. “But the Lands. Photos there is a motto, it is to be open, to smirks good naturedly. “If I could out his toilet blog (no joke) at place I’ve gone back to more than any expect things to not work out all the improve one thing in my life, I would be www.lonelyplanet.com/tonywheeler/m other place is Nepal, I guess.” I have to from Lonely time, and to be ready to change,” he better at languages. It isn’t from lack of y_lists/here_i_sat. ask him to repeat this, as he pronounces Planet says. Sounds more like a motto for life trying,” he protests, seeing the look of Moving swiftly on, I ask what he it Ne-pall, in an American sort of way; than for travel to me, but then I sup- ill-suppressed shock on my face. “I took plans to do next. “Well I’m in England his accent is a truly bizarre fusion of pose that’s the thing: for Tony Wheeler, Italian lessons last year for a few for the rest of the week, then I’m going Australian, English, and American. his life is travel, and I can’t help but be months. But I think more important to the USA for two weeks to promote “Over the years I’ve probably been there a little bit jealous. 20/06/07 Theatre M15 Roll up, roll up—it’s Tony! The Blair Musical

Success at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival is often more about shameless gimmicks than flawless performances. Amy Scott talks tactics with York DramaSoc’s hopefuls

itting at home one night after a (also written by Bush) received positive the Fringe, his advice is simply “to be run 10 times the length of an average musical marathon with Evita as reviews from a number of publications much less subtle”. Exactly how one can Drama Barn production a mixture of Sthe highlight, student director and at the Fringe, but didn’t manage to grab be less subtle than performing Hamlet trained and untrained singers. The bat- playwright Chris Bush started thinking. much media attention or sell many tick- on a bouncy castle is left unclear. tle to keep everyone’s voice in shape Thinking about musicals; thinking ets, despite being a well-written, funny It seems Seaward’s approach of may overtake the usual Fringe battle of about iconic people; and thinking about and thought-provoking piece with a abandoning all subtlety really is the making sure your liver still functions at how and why the two collide. Chris was cast of some of DramaSoc’s finest recipe for success at the increasingly the end. thinking, perhaps, about his slightly actors. Undeterred, however, Bush is crowded festival, and the team behind Bush has shied away from making unpopular American namesake, and optimistic about the company’s Tony! The Blair Musical have political statements in his piece. The this, perhaps, led him to think about chances with this year’s production: taken the lesson to heart. Songs story of Tony Blair’s 10 years in office is said namesake’s English counterpart. “The show is topical, a comedy in the extravaganza include told from his own perspective, and is as And then inspiration struck. and a musical—everything a show ‘There’s No “Me” In Tony’, the a result somewhat rosy and, as Bush After a succession of titles includ- could need for commercial success more obtuse ‘I ing ‘Tony; My Life in Rock’ and simply at the Fringe. Last year we went Am Evita Perón’ ‘Call Me Tony’, ‘Tony! The Blair Musical’ with a piece of legitimate the- and a gaggle of “Blair would enjoy it. He won’t was born. Tony! The Blair Musical was atre. This year we’re going singing soldiers in written and directed by Bush, and pre- with a shameless gimmick.” Iraq. The advertising be very busy this summer—he mieres at the York Theatre Royal this Someone who knows a thing campaign planned July before transferring to the presti- or two about shameless gimmicks is for implementation might as well come and see it” gious C Venues at the Edinburgh Fringe director and bona fide campus legend, at the Fringe will Festival in August. The prospect of the William Seaward. He is also returning mimic a political dates at York Theatre Royal is clearly to the Fringe this year with the second campaign with Below: James puts it, “faintly ridiculous”. The writer exciting as well as nerve-wracking for in his series of Bouncy Castle posters and rosettes. Duckworth as preferred to make the piece “an affec- the production team. Producer Anna Experiments. Bouncy Castle Hamlet’s In another genius Tony Blair. Left: tionate satire, rather than a searing Donaghy seems genuinely nervous success last year saw him grace the bid for publicity, poster for Tony! political comment”. When asked if Blair about seeing the posters going up in the pages of the Guardian five times, the play also fea- The Blair would consider the musical a fitting centre of York in the next few weeks, including three headlines, as well as tures a barber- part of his legacy, Bush enthuses, “I but the real test of this show’s mettle appearing on Sky and BBC News. shop quartet Musical think he’d enjoy it”. Donaghy plans to will come when the cast hit the bill- Consequently, Seaward and his bouncy of failed Tory send the script and copies of the songs boards in Scotland later this summer. castle have been invited to return to l e a d e r s to Downing Street. Bush points out, ‘He Rocket Venues, who are described by i n c l u d i n g won’t be very busy the director as ‘ridiculously enthusias- student Ed in the summer, tic’. The highly original, if not entirely D u n c a n - he might as artistically viable, choice of staging S m i t h , well come Shakespeare on a bouncy castle came to who will and see it.’ Seaward in an unexpected setting: be playing Argentina. “I was at a young cousin’s the role of Tony! The birthday party some months before his own Blair staging Waiting For Godot at the Fringe father, the Musical is on a few years ago,” he told me. “I was f o r m e r at the York stuck for staging ideas, but also mes- Conservative Theatre Royal merised by the bouncy castle at the party leader, July 18-21, in party and somehow, somewhere along Ian Duncan- Edinburgh the line, the two thought processes Smith. August 1 - 27 in fused.” Although Beckett’s classic did D u n c a n - C Venues. Bouncy not receive the bouncy castle treatment, Smith junior also Castle Macbeth pre- the seed was sown for Seaward’s plays the part of mieres at Edinburgh’s Shakespearean triumph last year. Alistair Campbell, Rocket Venues This year, the bouncy castle will be who appears alongside August 2 - 18. released from its current position Tony and Cherie (under Seaward’s CD player) for his (played by James production of Bouncy Castle Macbeth. Duckworth and Ellie The Tony! production team join a He feels that Macbeth is more suited to Cox), Peter Mandleson, plethora of York students making their the bouncy castle environment as “it Gordon Brown, George Bush way to Edinburgh to take part in the has a lot more action than Hamlet”— and Princess Diana. Donaghy largest arts festival in the world. Beth neatly summing up centuries of literary explained the difficulties of the Pitts’s recent Drama Barn production of criticism on the Prince of Denmark’s casting process: “We weren’t just Cricket on the Moon will be making an difficulties. Many of the characters will looking for people who could act, appearance, as well as this term’s pro- be wearing kilts although, thankfully, or people who could sing, but duction of Trainspotting directed by given their propensity to flying up, they also people who could commit to Simon Maeder. Student company will be worn with underwear, which 30 shows and feasibly be made Rubber Duck Theatre return after their Seaward hopes will win the hearts of to look something like who success with Fantastic Mr Fox last year the Scottish audiences. The director they’re supposed to be.” with a production of Roald Dahl’s The brushes off worries that speaking the However, Bush seems confi- Giraffe, the Pelly and Me and Alex word “Macbeth” on a bouncy castle is as dent they have found the Wright’s Tapestries will also be joining disastrous as uttering the name in a right man to play Blair in the York contingent. theatre: “We are going to play with the Duckworth, who apparent- Bush and Donaghy know all too curse thing—my current plan is for the ly has “a great Tony grin well the pitfalls of taking a show to the castle to start collapsing every time any- and hand gestures”. The Fringe. Last year, the White Rose one says it.” When asked what he’s demands on its cast are Theatre’s production of Man and God learnt about being a media success at certainly high, with a M16 Agony Uncle 20/06/07 UncleMatthew He would care, but he just doesn’t want to... ‘Imagine how grateful those fresh-faced, virginal newcomers will be to have such an aged and experienced guide; to be taken under your wing and initiated into the freedoms of uni life’

Dear Uncle Matthew, Dear Uncle Matthew, Dear Uncle Matthew,

My problem is rather depressing. Having fin- I think I have an anger problem. I’m short, pre- I believe I have a Jekyll and Hyde personality ished my degree, I was keen to get back into the maturely balding and prone to lashing out at that is causing me problems. One side of me can’t vibrant clubbing lifestyle of York. However, on random people. Only yesterday I made a friend stop spreading the news about my love life. I my re-entry into the social scene of Toffs, I found of mine cry because he stole my Maltesers. My can’t even open my mouth without details of my it hard to revisit my youthful first year. Instead of companions keep telling me that I should get laid latest conquest spurting out, despite my inten- pulling random blokes on a VK-fuelled high and to solve my problems. Is that the answer, or can I tions to keep it quiet. Yet I’ve also discovered I vomiting on people, I was discussing mortgage find a release through less carnal methods? I am somewhat of a prude, and was almost sick rates and worrying whether the bouncers were don’t want to have a coronary before I’m 30, when a girl proposed that I took her up the back feeling the chill. Will I ever be able to reclaim my but the girls don’t seem to like the passionate passage. Everyone thinks that I’m some sort of libido for York, or must I resign myself to a life of side of me. sexual deviant, yet in fact my spiritual soul-mate knitting and middle-brow literature? is nearer Mary Whitehouse. How can I claim Please help, back my long-lost dignity? Yours, Red-faced, Derwent Financially-aware, Halifax Thanks, Dear Red-faced, Prudish, Goodricke Dear Financially-aware, Anger is a very powerful emotion and can Growing up is never easy, but it seems you have matured be a barrier to building relationships. So Dear Prudish, substantially while at York. Only you can tell whether you much pent-up rage is not healthy, especially are truly ready for change —whether you have achieved since you may have a heart condition. The The human heart is complex and often contradictory. what I like to call 'escape velocity' from campus life. Before act of sexual congress may prove too much of Have you considered that your compulsive bragging is facing the wider world, consider what you may have yet to a cardio-vascular strain and do more harm than as a result of failing to achieve a genuine emotional offer at York. Freshers' week is only months away. Imagine good. My solution will help solve both your pas- connection in your relationships? Perhaps you should how grateful those callow, fresh-faced, virginal newcomers sionate attachment to personal property and seriously consider pursuing the true object of your will be to have such an aged and experienced guide; to be also spare you the risks of associating with the affections. You may find this helps solve both your diffi- taken under your wing and initiated into the freedoms of opposite sex. Forswear both and become a culties at a stroke: Mary Whitehouse died in life away from home. Finishing your degree does not mean monk. Vows of celibacy and poverty will insulate November 2001 – shouting that particular conquest you have to stop living like a student. Wait until there is you from your own wrath, while a tonsure is an from the rooftops may well help to teach you the value some 'new blood' on campus, then make your choice. ideal disguise for premature baldness. of discretion.

Yours predatorily, Yours monastically, Yours cadaverously,

Uncle Matthew Uncle Matthew Uncle Matthew www.NOUSE.co.uk Check out the improved Nouse website, with: Podcasts - Get your Nouse fix aurally with news, Muse and music podcasts, including additional content Exclusive content - extra features, interviews and news Debate - Let us know what you think about the stories we run and the issues we cover. Pictures - All the pictures from news and features Nouse meeting Week 10: Come along to our meeting at 6.30pm, Tuesday Week 10 to discuss this edition, meet the editorial team and get involved in the next edition of Nouse. Details: [email protected] 20/06/07 Satire M17 AndreasMasoura Bad teaching, religious tension and horny ducks—glad to be leaving?

per hour. fountain thing) could have probably always wondered why the least attrac- Management a joke University Vice Chancellor Brian funded the renovation of the entire col- tive tend to be the first to reveal all, lege. Instead, millions of pounds were whether on the Ziggy’s dance floor or As the year comes to an emotional end Bribery and corruption wasted on a building that was not the roads of York. and my time in the campus bubble of designed for students at all. The Roger York draws to close, a university depart- Cantor has allegedly blackmailed the Kirk truly comes to life during the holi- Get yer duck out ment has admitted that its teaching Student’s Union regarding student rep- days when business conferences make quality requires urgent review. The lec- resentation on some important matter full use of this otherwise waste of space. Trevor the golden duck (the king of the turer in question relied on a company or another. Students have been left with I don’t think the quality of the food jus- lake) is having woman trouble. website in order to provide lecture the choice of either losing their vote and tifies its existence. I wonder if the Roger Apparently his mate has gone missing, slides whilst supplementing this with attending the committee or not attend- Kirk will be dismantled once Goodricke but no body has been found yet. The notes posted on Facebook. The degree I ing at all. This move emphasises the College moves to Heslington East. It search continues. Trevor is showing am referring to is, of course, complete disregard wouldn’t be the same otherwise. signs of depression due to his lack of Management Systems. for student action and requires help immediately. I’m not joking, this is actually a i n t e r e s t s ... and some more If you’re reading, Trevor, get in touch degree. At first I felt utter sympathy for t hr o ug h o ut and I’ll show you a place called Ziggys the students concerned since they were this entire The director of Drax Power, which has a where even a duck can pull. Just use the being supplied with substandard and university. coal fired power station located close by tried and tested chat up line, “Hi there, thoroughly inadequate teaching. One This is in Selby, has been awarded an honorary would you like to mate with me?” I’m student reflected on the fact that he n o t h - degree for his contributions to the not guaranteeing you quality by any had chosen a good university and was i n g University. I’m not sure quite what means, but you certainly won’t leave the therefore disappointed and sur- new these contributions are. In fact, I don’t club alone. prised at the poor level of teach- and think anyone is. Drax Power pride ing. I would suggest, however, h a s themselves on having the cleanest coal The Crusades of York that any degree with manage- o n l y powered power station in the UK. The ment in the title should be University of York, meanwhile, prides avoided. Anyone who dis- itself on having the cleanest plastic- The Christian Union (yes, them again) agrees with me only lined lake in Europe. declared that on converting from Islam has to look at to Christianity, a certain individual the evidence Wobbling for the world moved ‘from darkness to light’, causing above. If the University itself seemed to quite a stir in the Islamic camp. As cannot take the degree seriously w o r s e n York’s environmentalists recently decid- usual, religion provides no other pur- enough to provide adequate teaching throughout my time ed to raise awareness of the polluting pose than to divide people. Personally, I that is not centred around Facebook here. Ask any nature of cars by stripping off and rid- do not require the Bible to tell me not to groups, then why should I? Goodricke student ing about town on bikes. This was a par- kill, since I have common sense. I suggest anyone with a strong living in relative ticularly enthralling sight consisting of Perhaps the two societies should simply interest in management should try squalor whether he a haze of saggy flesh and shrivelled fight it out, given that violence usually working for the McDonald’s in thinks the Roger Kirk cock. To all the over-50’s in York, I’ll solves most things. Take, for example, a Camberwell. Within a few weeks you centre was worth build- make you a deal: I promise I will walk friend of mine who recently responded can potentially be a store manager, ing. The cost of the toilets everywhere from now on as long as you to a racial jibe in Ziggy’s with two jabs complete with a wage increase of 50p alone (they have a fantastic cover up any droopy body parts. I have and a left hook. That did the trick.

FILLING IN THE GAPS Nicky Woolf he year is coming to an end, and with tion the Hes East Star moves into position in Luke found wandering the wastelands of into hyperdrive. “Grooaauurrgh!” agrees it the University, and the World. The a peaceful campus in the western spiral arm Alcuiiine, and the great big hairy ape-thing Tom Moore, as the freighter makes the jump Tweather is nothing short of apocalyp- of Yorkshire, then, suddenly, “That’s no stu- known as Tom Moore. Accompanying them into hyperspace. tic; either torrential rain, leaving Vanbrugh dent venue!” and BOOM! In a spectacular on their travels is the wise old Jedi master The camera watches the Millennium underwater and drowning anyone in a explosion of concrete and duck crap, the Obi-Kenobi Todd. FitDuck cruise down onto a cold, icy and ground floor room in lake sewage, or relent- peaceful planet of Goodricke is vaporised Luke Fletcher-Hallwalker is practicing apparently abandoned planet surface. An less, beating sunshine that leaves even the and its essence absorbed into the Hes East using The Administration to make things outrunner, riding a giant goose, is the only geese too limp with sunstroke to peck stu- machinery. happen with the power of her mind. She has sign of life until the hillside opens and wel- dents to death. The setting is epic and dra- But something is wrong. Emperor learned well from training with Yoda in the comes the FitDuck into the secret YUSU matic. I feel a movie coming on... Not a long Cantor slams his leather-gloved fist against desolate marshes of the planet Laboursoc. rebel base of Hal’ifax, which is under attack! time ago, on a campus far, far away... the radar while Darth Batten strangles an Suddenly, the communications beam crack- Great big walker things advance toward it! As the hissing of angry avians is unfortunate minion using only the terrible les into life. A message is coming in, but it’s Everyone must evacuate, and fast! Luke replaced by the hissing of duck-guano boil- power of The Administration. What has so faint. First comes the coded signal, the Fletcher-Hallwalker jumps into an advanced ing in the heat, the camera pans to the twist- angered them is a tiny speck on the radar, Facebook poke. Then the wall post comes Z-wing fighter, and takes off with the rest of ed, malignant features of the Evil Emperor moving swiftly away from the ruins of through loud and clear. It is the beautiful the fleet. Cantor and his terrifying sidekick, Darth Goodricke. Our camera zooms in on the Princess Leia-Marie Canning. She is in trou- They must attack the Hes East Star. Batten. This summer marks the beginning of speck... and it resolves itself into the ble! The evil Emperor Cantor is holding her Fletcher-Hallwalker levels his ship with the their master plan. The Galactic Senate has Millennium FitDuck, the fastest blockade- prisoner on the Hes East Star. Cantor is try- only weak spot and fires off two missiles unwittingly allowed a takeover by giving running spaceship this side of the ing to eliminate every student vote on the using only The Administration for guidance. planning permission to Senator Cantortine, Wentworth Edge. Rebel Welfare Council! “Oh my lord!” mut- They hit! The Hes East Star explodes into a as Emperor Cantor used to be known, to The camera pans around the ship and ters Croker3PO wetly. “Beep bing bing massive cloud of wasted money, to the jubi- invade the green and pleasant planet of we get a first look at our heroes. They are a beep!” exclaims Colin2D2. “Shut up, Colin2,” lation of all. Heslingtonaboo. He used the new powers ragged but determined bunch. There is the retorts Croker3PO, “you lost the elections. I The movie ends with a massive party on granted him by the Senate to take complete young and ambitious padawan, Luke won them.” the planet Derwendor, home to a large num- control of the Galaxy and found his evil Fletcher-Hallwalker, the grizzled smuggler “What does that matter now!” shouts ber of small furry people. empire. Matt Burtonsolo, the bizarre but comic Luke Fletcher-Hallwalker, as Matt “Groooooooaaarrrr!” says Tom Moore, First, the gigantic space-age construc- robots Colin2D2 and Croker3PO whom Burtonsolo slams the Millennium FitDuck and everyone agrees. M18 Arts 20/06/07 ArtsReviews

BOOK: THE LAST WITCHFINDER Anjli Raval checks out all the glitz and glamour of Bollywood AUTHOR: JAMES MORROW orkshire recently underwent PUBLISHER: PHOENIX a transformation with the PRICE: £7.99 YInternational Indian Film Academy (IIFA) Fringe Festival. REVIEW: STEVEN WARD The action-packed cultural ✪✪✪✩✩ festival took place from June 5-10, with the most notable event being the IIFA Awards at Hallam FM Jennet Stearne is the daughter of the Arena, Sheffield, on Saturday zealous Witchfinder General. Whilst June 9. The ceremony, which her father travels the country in search rivalled the Oscars for sheer glam- of suspected witches and sorcerers, our, saw the arrival of numerous Jennet is tutored in Natural Philosophy celebrities from Indian cinema by her inspirational and learned Aunt aiming to promote Bollywood in Isobel, whose scientific experimental- Yorkshire. With the venue sold out ism soon attracts the attentions of the within days and giant screens set witchfinders. In an attempt to save the up in neighbouring Leeds and life of her aunt and other innocents, Bradford (renowned for their Jennet resolves to come up with a work strong British Asian populations), of scientific genius that will logically this was cinema on a grand scale. disprove the existence of demons and The IIFA Festival is expected witches. Jennet’s tale takes her to the to bring 28,000 visitors to Salem Witch Trials and before the Yorkshire and generate £10 mil- malevolent Judge Hathorne, into the lion, raising Yorkshire's profile as Ashwarya Rai performs at the opening ceremony of the Indian Film Academy Fringe Festival bed of Benjamin Franklin, into the con- a tourist destination amongst a fidence of political theorist global TV audience. The ceremo- love story with a twist. It was Roshan won Best Actor, while Hindi reduced and a Hollywood Montesquieu and finally into conversa- ny was graced with the presence of relayed through contemporary Best Actress went to Rani runtime (Indian films are often tion with Isaac Newton. the godfather of Bollywood, dance and performed to the Mukherjee for her work in Kabhi three hours long). The festivities Set against a barrage of different Amitabh Bachan, who has rhythm of 'Ruby' by Leeds-based Alvida Naa Kehna (Never Say were rounded off by that other locations, Morrow’s novel can at times appeared in more than 130 films band Kaiser Chiefs, remixed by Goodbye). Finally, the award for great Indian love (apart from act- become overly preoccupied with set- and has won nearly 20 top film Sandy Nuttgens with a driving Best Director was given to ing, singing and dancing); cricket. ting, even at the expense of its central awards. Other names included drum beat from the Dhol Rajkumar Hirani for the musical After hosting the test match theme—science versus superstition. Bachan's son, Abhishek, his new Foundation's Johnny Kalsi. It comedy Lage Raho Munnabhai. between England and the West His erudite message is often lost amidst wife, the beautiful Ashwarya Rai truly captured the diverse atmos- The UK is the second-largest Indies, Headingly staged a a jungle of irrelevant contextual detail, who has acted in mainstream phere of the ceremony. market for Indian films. Film- celebrity cricket match on the which suffocates the novel’s basic prem- British cinema, Akshay Kumar, Rang De Basanti (Paint it makers have acknowledged the Friday before the ceremony. The ises. Although a good idea, it could be Rani Mukherjee, and Preity Zinta. Yellow), about a group of disillu- demand for Bollywood amongst cricket match, umpired by Dickie great if it were distilled into a more With them was Shilpa Shetty (of sioned Indian youths who learn to audiences outside of India and Bird, saw a team brimming with focused work. Celebrity Big Brother fame) and be patriotic, starring Aamir Khan have re-edited films to make them Indian cricketers. For Bollywood British actors Colin Firth and and British actress Alice Patten, more appealing to this audience. fans, it would have been like CLASSIC BOOK REVIEW Sienna Miller. came out victorious, winning Best Rang De Basanti, for example, is watching their version of Brad Pitt BOOK: DANGEROUS LIAISONS The awards opened in true Film, Best Supporting Actress and to be released as The Colour of bowling a yorker to Tom Cruise, Bollywood style with a spectacular Best Musical Direction. Hrithik Sacrifice with the amount of with Julia Roberts commentating. AUTHOR: CHODERLOS DE LACLOS PUBLISHER: PENGUIN EXHIBIT: MAD MAN IN THE PRICE: £6.99 WHAT’S ON MINSTER REVIEW: SARAH COWIN Theatre Royal: VENUE: YORK ART GALLERY ✪✪✪✩✩ DATE: 09/06/07 - 21/10/07 Wuthering Heights : The plot of Dangerous Liaisons will REVIEWED BY KIRRAN SHAH Until already be familiar to most people ✪✪✪✩✩ June 23 through the many film adaptations, including Cruel Intentions. More From June 9 until October 21, York Art Dansopolis amoral than the rugby team in Ziggys, Gallery offers an exhibition displaying June 26 Dangerous Liaisons was certainly not a the Minster’s scale and grandeur along- book approved of in its time. In fact, it side the man who attempted to destroy it. Birmingham Royal was so shocking that the publishers On February 2 1829, a fire swept Ballet added a foreword to reassure people through the east end of York Minster. June 29-30 that it was a work of fiction. No lives were lost, but the medieval The schemes, actions and conse- wooden roof, organ and choir stalls were Jonathan Martin, Minster arsonist Grand Opera House: quences of the main characters are all destroyed. It was deliberately started revealed through a series of letters. This by a religious fanatic, Jonathan Martin nave’s roof. John Varley’s sketch, ‘York Beauty and the Beast style is one of the reasons Dangerous (1778-1838), a man obsessed with divine Minster from North West’ of 1803 was June 19-30 Liaisons works as well as it does, as you retribution, who later made no attempt to vital to the restoration. understand the motives of Merteuil and protest his innocence. The most striking work is by Edward Other Side Comedy Club: Valmont without necessarily empathis- ‘A Sketch of York Cathedral’, made at Lindley. His ‘Portrait of Jonathan Martin’, Edinburgh Review ing with them. It is a book that doesn’t 9am on Monday 2 February 1829, by an 1829, instantly captures your attention Steve Williams and Matt Kershin feel like it has aged; although it is set in eyewitness is a dramatic depiction of the when you enter the room. Martin’s stern 24th June 18th-century France, it could just as blazing Minster just after the roof col- angular face imprints in your visual easily be set in 21st-century Britain. lapsed. After noticing sparks rising from memory alongside his quotation: “Your The characters would still be consid- the cathedral's roof, he rendered a vividly great Minsters and churches will come Drama Barn: ered morally repugnant; Valmont as a cold billow of smoke which contrasts with rattling down upon your guilty heads.” Daisy Pulls it Off/The Children’s Hour sexual predator using very dubious the surrounding warm watercolours rep- Lindley paints him with an austere coun- Week 9 ways to snare his women, and Merteuil resenting the heat radiated by the walls tenance, reflecting his ‘mania’. While as dangerously Machiavellian. and the glow inside the cathedral. The Martin’s own ink sketch of Samson slay- Open Drama: Musicals Night Dangerous Liaisons twists and Clerk of Works at the Minster, John ing a lion hangs opposite, his bold con- Week 10 turns throughout and has a satisfyingly Browne, directed the early stages of the tours and lack of depth are inconsistent unpredictable end; it is a necessary reconstruction after the fire. His own with the intricacies of the architectural read for those who enjoy a well written sketches appear throughout the exhibi- sketches. The exhibition is surprisingly tale of scandal. tion, depicting the restoration of the diverse, and certainly worth a visit. More reviews online at www.nouse.co.uk 20/06/07 Arts M19 TheatreReviews

While the skies open around her, Amy Scott enjoys some open-air Shakespeare

here are a number of things the commanding James Duckworth, with outdoor performances, was a real that signal a bad start as far as suggested that it would be be a truly shame for audience and cast but the theatre is concerned; someone enjoyable show. And then it rained. And quality of the production easily shone Twith giant hair sitting in front it rained. And it rained a little harder. through the rain. Unfortunately the of you or a large bag of excessively Duckworth, impressively, was still audi- quality was marred somewhat by the wrapped sweets being opened a few ble, but Miranda (Tamsin Urquhart) venue and issues from last year’s rows behind spring to mind, and now was entirely drowned out. At this point, Shakespeare production were again we can add being advised by cast mem- unfortunately, the first night was called apparent. The Minster bells interrupted bers to climb over an iron fence to gain off, and the audience left the Minster every 15 minutes and almost constantly access to a venue to the list. After such Gardens unfulfilled and rather damp. during a wedding on the Saturday. The inauspicious beginnings, things were Take two. On the first day of the stage backed on to the city walls which not looking up for Sam Hanna’s pro- week when the rain seemed less than saw a parade of tourists, Dom Joly duction of The Tempest in the Minster incessant, Hanna attempted a success- impersonators and, particularly hilari- Residence Gardens, as threats of heavy ful opening for the Saturday matinee, ously, soldiers from a medieval re- rain persisted in the run up to their with some showers during the interval enactment club. The performances opening night. but overall much drier. Picking up were fantastic and deserved a setting However, having arrived in the where we left off, Duckworth made an where they could be properly appreciat- gardens through the more traditional engaging Prospero, and Urquhart, ed, not consistently interrupted. route, things began to look up. A group although she could still be louder, car- The Tempest will continue show- of spirits led by Ariel (Lauren Clancy) ried Miranda well. William Seaward ing in the York Minster Residence filled the space with harmonious song made a fine Gonzalo, and the pairing of Gardens until June 21. For more out- as the audience took their seats, setting Antonio and Sebastian (played by Alex mations along with Ariel during their James door theatre before the end of term, the tone for what could have been a Forsyth and Ed Duncan Smith respec- mischievous manipulation of the ship- Duckworth and check out Park Productions’s The mystical and haunting evening. The tively) was understated yet still comic. wrecked sailors. The comic trio of Lauren Clancy Importance of Being Earnest on June storm sequence that began the play was The biggest strength in this production, Trinculo, Stephano and Caliban (Sam in The Tempest 19 and 21 at 7pm and June 23 and 24 at cleverly handled through the use of a and the most original touch, was Hinton, Nick Wright and Alex Wright) 2.30pm, as well as William rope attached between two trees and Hanna’s presentation of the spirits started off shakily but quickly found Shakespeare's Much Ado About thunder claps made by sheets of metal occupying the island. Ferdinand carried their feet, and with their characters’ Nothing, June 20 and 22-24 at 7pm. hit with rocks, which unfortunately fell them as logs during his toils, they pre- increasing drunkenness came increas- Showing at the Bandstand, Rowntree a lot shorter than the real winds. The sented themselves as chairs and tables ingly solid and funny performances. Park. Tickets available from Your:Shop, arrival on stage of Prospero, played by and performed cheerleader-style for- The bad weather, always a risk or York Theatre Royal Box Office .

PRODUCTION:TRAINSPOTTING PRODUCTION: JOURNEY’S END PRODUCTION:THE TARTUFFE VENUE: THE DRAMA BARN VENUE: DRAMA BARN VENUE: DRAMA BARN REVIEW: RAF SANCHEZ REVIEW: HELEN CITRON REVIEW: NICKY WOOLF ✪✪✪✪✪ ✪✪✪✩✩ ✪✪✪✪✩

Simon Maeder and Alex inches above the ground, but A traditional rendering of impressive. Jamie Wilkes’s self-written Orgon stole the show, how- Wright’s production of through clever usage and R.C. Sheriff’s 1928 play The confined space of adaptation of Moliere’s clas- ever, with all the magnificent Trainspotting provided a convincing interaction it Journey’s End got off to a the trench highlighted the sic French farce is a hilarious and opulent theatricality striking and visceral piece of became a bed, a table, a toilet shaky start. However, the men’s stoicism and the ten- romp through the grotesque and sudden, violent anger of theatre. Alex Forsyth’s per- and most importantly an cast soon found their feet derness of their friendships. world of performance and Lawrence Olivier playing a formance gave balance in his abstract platform for the and the audience was trans- Ollie Jones’s controlled por- belief on a sumptuous and Shakespearean prince. dualistic role as the witty, highs and lows of drug use ported into the trenches of trayal of Osbourne provided intriguing set. Wilkes’s script brims amused and philosophical and the viciousness of World War One. contrast to Stanhope, The story tells of Orgon, with references and titbits Renton. The strong physical human life. The set was in traverse, despite lacking expression. a rich actor (Dominic Allen), for the audience to unpack; element to his acting height- A highly-choreographed providing immediacy and The emotional climaxes who takes in a holy man, Tartuffe’s biblical version of ened this distinction. drug sequence, in which intimacy, and emphasising of the play came in the Tartuffe (Nik Morris), with The Lord of the Rings was Andy Birnie gave a Renton, Sick Boy and Amy the truly claustrophobic scenes between childhood disastrous (but hilarious) particularly clever, and had strong performance as the are awash in a sea of gentle trench conditions. friends Raleigh (Tom Powis) consequences. Tartuffe is no the audience in stitches. ambitious Sick Boy, playing colours, was particularly The play was filled with and Stanhope. Towards the holy man, however, but a The farce gained impressively with the char- impressive. The Barn was men on the edge, whose end, when the awaited raid confident trickster. momentum from the cast’s acter’s doomed sense of plunged into pitch black- proximity to each other finally arrived and bombs Stellar supporting per- ability to ad-lib, and the play invincibility. Lucy Whitby ness, with only the pin- caused tension. Particularly whizzed overhead, it would formances were given by was buoyed-up by the was both vulnerable and pricks of lit cigarettes visble. effective was Jonathan have been easy to be over- Fran Trewin and Matt tremendous energy of the thrillingly assertive as Amy. The lights showed the three Kerridge-Phipps’s portrayal the-top. Springett, who displayed a performers. Only a few awk- Will Seaward captured characters staggering and of Hibbert, suffering from However, both parts breathtaking versatility, ward moments jarred with Begby’s theatricality and lim- barely able to interact. neuralgia and on the verge of were played sensitively, with switching between roles the naturalistic flow of dia- itless self-importance but Overall a powerful por- breakdown. Sam Hinton’s what was left unsaid being seemingly without pause, logue and these were swiftly was occasionally lacking in trayal of the realities of drug embittered Stanhope, strug- equally important. Overall, and Nik Morris was perfect- obliterated by the fizzy vivac- real menace. use that forcibly reminded gling to keep control by con- the play explored universal ly arrogant in his mischie- ity that abounded. A stun- The production’s only the audience that, before the stantly numbing himself themes on a very human vous portrayal of the malev- ning success for both direc- set was a tyre hanging a few film, there was in fact a play. with whisky, was also level. olent fraudster. Allen’s tors and cast. M20 Previews 20/06/07 MusicPreviews

SHOW:THE FALL SHOW: BRIGHT EYES SAM VENUE: THE RITZ, MANCHESTER VENUE: THE ACADEMY, BIRMINGHAM NOBLE PREVIEW: ROBIN SEATON PREVIEW: STEPHEN WILLIAMS DATE:01/07/07 DATE: 06/07/07 ‘When I’m sixty- ✪✪✪✪✪ ✪✪✪✪✩ four...’ Seven albums in, and the boy that has made What better way to celebrate your first day in a career out of sonically working out his your new house than by going to see The heartbreak and insecurities has most recent- Parents never understand you. When I first Fall? At least you’ll know there’s someone ly, and bizarrely, found his inspiration for started listening to hardcore punk and metal more mean-spirited, sour-faced and down- taking to the studio in a community of psy- I nervously put a CD on my stereo, filling my right miserable than your new landlord. This chics based in Florida. The resulting record, room with desperate screaming, jagged gui- man is, of course, Mark E. Smith – it seems named Cassadaga after the spiritualist camp tars and thundering drums. I loved it and unlikely that he’d clean the mould off your which led to its inception, is surprisingly still do. Yet, the reason I remember it so ceiling or fix the boiler, but he just might play Bright Eyes's most commercially polished clearly was my mum’s reaction as she crept the best gig of the summer. That, or he’ll sack work, and a prime slab of country-tinged upstairs—all furrowed brow, anguished look the band halfway through and play with just goodness. and hesitant steps. “What’s wrong with you?” him and ‘yer granny on bongos’. Either way, Now the mastermind behind the she asked, with trepidation, clearly at odds it’ll still be The Fall, and the effect will be moniker Conor Oberst is headed to our with the hardcore scene. What’s weird something similar to being harangued by an shores with string players in tow for a brief though, is that mum herself encountered erudite tramp who appears to have hypno- Mark: sans “yer granny on bongos” stint in what is an increasingly rare visit to perturbed reactions from her folks as she tized an incredibly tight garage rock band the UK. Displaying a desire to break away spinned Earth, Wind & Fire on her record into following him everywhere, except that sounding nothing like The Fall. Famous fans from the cast of ‘singer songwriter that emo player. “It’s just thud-thud-thud”, they they keep leaving when he throws chairs at who definitely won’t put in an appearance in kids can relate to’, his newest incarnation as lamented, and so on. It got me wondering if I them. Manchester include Pavement (definitely), honky-tonk revivalist with Colonel Sander's would ever react in, as it seemed at the time, The Fall’s legendarily frequent line-up Bo Diddley (probably apocryphally) and Wu- wardrobe should provide an adequate spec- such a misinformed way to great music. changes (43 members in 30 years, across 80 Tang Clan’s the RZA (even more probably tacle to match the new music. The uniquely I kind of hope so and relish the thought albums) have now been codified into Smith’s apocryphally). Unusually, the band will be fragile voice which has come to define him that when the music my grandchildren have squad rotation system, so where once anyone supported by readings from a new collection has taken on a more powerful edge of late, streamed into their heads evokes the same could have turned up on stage, Smith and his of short stories, Perverted by Language, and the lyrical self-flagellation of his earlier reaction in me: misunderstanding, confusion new wife Elena Poulou (on keyboards) are inspired by their music. work has been externalised to take aim at and a strong dislike. The reason I think my supplemented by a selection of guitarists, Regardless of who turns up, and barring nefarious governments and the naughtiness grandparents don’t like Napalm Death or bassists and drummers for Smith to choose random accidents, this show should see some of capitalism. Pendulum is not necessarily its heaviness, from, depending on which of his players great performances of the songs off their new Overall the signs are Oberst is in an melody or rhythm, but its inconceivable haven’t walked out on him or been punched album, Reformation Post-T. L. C. To finish extroverted mood, which bodes well for his tenure as ‘music’ when they were our age. Bill by him recently. with a John Peel quote (obligatory to all live show. Although it’s a tad far, for fans, this Hailey & The Comets, the founders of what Smith recently threatened to sue Franz pieces on The Fall); “Apparently there are chance to witness his 'when I was little I became rock and roll—that mutable, yet eter- Ferdinand and Bloc Party for nicking his some people out there who don’t love The wanted to be a cowboy' phase should nal genre—were, in their time, considered ideas, while simultaneously damning them as Fall. I spurn them with my toe.” be an unmissible barn dance. subversive, heavy and dangerous due to the sexual implications their songs apparently contained. The point is that now, to our mod- ern ears, this music is considered tame, polite even, in comparison to our contemporary ON THE UP: KATE NASH Ben Rackstraw musical insurgents: Marylin Manson, to Being dubbed 'the next big respectable female singer-song- before latching on to your name one of many. thing' by the queen of cheeky writer bracket, along with Joni brain like a perfectly melodi- Our ears have been subjected to years of London-accented pop, Lily Mitchell and Eva Cassidy. cally formed limpet. indie, metal, grime, punk and all of the other Allen, is both a blessing and a Of course, that level of And so to the melodies. subsidiary rock offshoots. My theory is that curse, especially when you ped- quality songwriting can't be Finding tunes that you feel you there is nothing contained in music to actual- dle a rather similar collection of expected so early on in a career, may have heard in an old ly cause a generational dislike except what we memorably-chorused gems. A but the foundations (excuse the music hall number, but are used to. How music sounds is often blessing because all of Lily pun) are there. 'Birds' show- pulling off a performance that dependant on when you hear it. This both Allen's fans will automatically cases a talent not afraid to does them justice, Nash has fascinates and terrifies me, because as a lis- go out and buy your album, embrace the excitable, if the Dylan-esque ability to make tener of all sorts of music (if you can coax a regardless of all other reviews. crude, aspects of immature something that sounds old new note from a cheese roll, I’ll probably buy your A curse because all of Allen's young love: a story about again. 'Foundations' bounces album), I wonder if I’ll stubbornly stick to detractors, and there are quite a racing round London's along a piano riff not unlike that the music I love today. Will I despise my chil- few out there, will automatical- public transport, of the BBC Cricket theme, while dren’s music, failing to understand its worth ly lump you in with her, forever meeting a boy and slower number 'We Get On' is the way our folks do? referring to your output as "that not paying the fare, driven by a "wagons roll" style But that’s why teenagers and us early song by the girl who's like Lily culminating in the piano melody 20-somethings are the demographic all A&R Allen". dizzyingly won- (you'll under- men watch hawk-like to discern what music Both of these responses are derful com- stand if you lis- style will garner them their next squillion- unfair to Kate Nash, the recipi- p l i m e n t ten to it). Her voice dollar profit. They then engage in a ruthless ent of Miss Allen's accolade, 'birds can fly fluctuates between wavering labelling process, contorting these once inno- because her music is both so high, and folky notes, powerful rising vative styles into ‘scenes’—just like rock and remarkably different to songs they can shit on motifs and spoken asides. roll became in the ‘50s, psychedelia in the like 'Smile' and 'LDN' and, fre- your head, / they Touring with a two-piece band, ‘60s, Britpop in the ‘90s and perhaps emo in quently, better. With recent can almost fly into Nash expands her songs in the the ‘00s. release 'Foundations' receiving your eye and right places, not losing any of Then again, I welcome with open arms, regular radio play, you may have make you feel so the intimacy, and has a charis- and even a cuppa-soup style hug, the idea of heard how she eschews the scared, / but matic stage presence. It is hard music so unfathomable and inconceivable to beatsy ska pop and slightly lazi- when you look to believe she only embarked on me at an elder age. Whatever the next genre ly spoken vocals that define at them and a musical career after her rejec- we embrace and our parents convulse at Allen, while keeping her own you see that tion from theatre school was (bugger me if I know what it sounds like), character-led songwriting and they're beauti- followed by a trip down some nevertheless, barring all hip funny lyrics. This allows her to ful, / that's stairs and a leg break. Her par- replacement–induced complications, you can rise above the cheeky-cockney how I feel ents bought her a guitar while certainly expect me, with furrowed brows genre, with its roots in market about you.' she recovered and the songs and a few anguished looks, to still have a stalls and Chas 'n' Dave (most Else where, that followed led to her career. valiant stab at embracing it—however hard recently defined by The Streets, the insanely 'do-do-do-da-do-do' chorus and With a debut album due in the that may be. “When I get older, losing my Allen and even Hadouken!), to catchy 'Merry a bouncing rhythm that will autumn, this is a tour to catch hair, many years from now...” apply for a place in the Happy' has a smile its way past your ears before she goes stratospheric. 20/06/07 Music M21 MusicReviews

nights more bearable and even rendered BAND: DAVID WARD MACLEAN York’s summer dusks somewhat ethereal. SINGLES ALBUM: ACTS OF FAITH Acts of Faith is the beautifully pared down 12 track album, comprised of just Dave REVIEW: SARA SAYEED and his six- or 12-string. Dave has stripped REVIEWS DATE: NOW - SOMEWHERE IN YORK music back to its bucolic folk basics, demon- ✪✪✪✪✩ strating that you don’t actually need the ARTIST: KLAXONS latest synthesiser to create such stirringly SINGLE: IT’S NOT OVER YET rich harmonies that make you forget there’s You may not have heard the name, but you’ve only one instrument actually at work. With their new single, it seems that the almost certainly heard the man—and live, at Described by Sandman magazine as Klaxons are trying to blow away the irritatat- that. For those screwing up their faces and “like Jose Gonzales but with stronger tunes ing 'New Rave' label once and for all; 'It's Not spluttering, “Whaa?” or grunting, “Huh?”, let and more flexibility”, the tracks do indeed Over Yet' is a cover of an actual rave tune by me give your memories a little joggle. Apart share Gonzales’s brooding solemnity, yet still ‘90s dance act Grace, done in the style of an from the hermits, most of us have frequent- always manage to skirt just the right side of ed Evil Eye or at least bumbled around York desolate, inviting contemplation without indie band. This incredible post-modern at some point this year. In the eager trottings imposing any gloom. The album is a mere new-wave-new-rave turnaround has the and sozzled toddlings to and from Mojito- titbit of Maclean’s rumoured 1000-song potential to turn the universe inside-out, haven, the less cocktail-saturated may have repertoire and the record is only covertly flit- annahilating scenesters and civilians alike. noticed some acoustic delights serenading ting about York’s ether. Fortunately it is the Klaxons' weakest single their Stonegate meanderings. Decidedly anti-commercialism, appar- yet. The world is safe for another week. Yes, David Ward Maclean is the some- ently Dave was bullied into recording this what furry, resolutely shaggy-haired little gem. If you can’t fasten your mitts on it ARTIST: ROBIN THICKE troubadour of York busking fame. Damned and your appetite has been whetted by his SINGLE: LOST WITHOUT YOU to sporadic bouts of fleeting appreciation Myspace samples, swing by the Basement and admiration as us civilians saunter by, Bar on July 6 to hear him support James 'The first white artist to top the American Dave has finally consolidated some of those Apollo or even, after that next French R'n'B charts since George Michael!' pants the poignant melodies that have made winter Martini, take a little pause and have a listen. press release. This probably says more about the state of American R'n'B than it does about Robin Thicke's acoustic guitar–infect- ed ballad. This is a track that even the compilers of Justin Timberlake's album tracks would give one listen and reject for being a bit too cringeworthy and syrupy. Still, the Americans love it, and your girlfriend might just agree with them. ARTIST: HADOUKEN! SINGLE: LIQUID LIVES If you haven't heard Hadouken!'s brand of London flavoured dance-punk then you real- ly should make the effort to. Despite agreeing with Popjustice last week that nobody out- side East London will ever buy one of their EVENT: THE CRIBS EVENT: RYAN ADAMS EVENT: STYLUS WAX:ON FESTIVAL records, this is the kind of hyperactive, one- VENUE: THE REFECTORY, LEEDS VENUE: EASY TIGER VENUE: LEEDS riff dance tune that should be soundtracking your summer, playing as you hop on and off REVIEW: MIKE MCGOVERN REVIEW: SAM NOBLE REVIEW: DUNCAN PELHAM public transport on your way to a new city DATE: 10/06/07 DATE: 26/06/07 DATE: 26/05/07 and a houseparty with someone you met at ✪✪✪✩✩ ✪✪✪✪✪ ✪✪✪✪✩ university only this year.

ARTIST: BON JOVI This was always going to be a good gig; The Ryan Adams is often criticised for his lack of Simian Mobile Disco, lively electronic outfit SINGLE: MAKE A MEMORY Cribs provide simple, unpretentious rock editing skills, to which the three albums risen from the ashes of the now defunct and roll and here they showed it off in abun- released in 2005 and his 18 ‘joke’ hip-hop Simian, wander onstage, only momentarily This kind of song title is a gift when writing dance. This was, after all, the last night of the albums posted on his website attest. So for a mistaken for a couple of techies. The electro- reviews. 'I want to make a memory not to buy UK tour announcing their third album, as veteran Adams fan, waiting a year for an boppers, who gave us the breezy summer the new Bon Jovi album!' one could quip, close to their home town of Wakefield as the album is an eternity. Thankfully, Easy Tiger smash ‘We Are Your Friends’, twiddle around even leaving room for a bit of 'I want to make circuit would allow. Then, to the slightly is worth the wait, while lazy critics coo over with their giant analogue synthesiser, ema- a memory to cover up the one about listening unusual strains of Whitney Houston’s ‘I his return to form, implying he lost his song- nating infinite geek chic. to this song!' But that would just be lazy, and Want To Dance With Somebody’, more writing during the years he’s actually been Tonight in Leeds, fluorescent crowds of anyway this is only a response to the awful accustomed to being played in Ziggy’s than perfecting his craft. As Ryan says, "I ignore students dance frenetically to an amalgam of Snow Patrol material we in the UK have been as the entrance song for a rock band, The the people that say I'm at fault for being a Simian Mobile Disco’s remixes and their Cribs took to the stage. hard worker. It's completely unreasonable." incoming debut album, Attack Decay Sustain exporting to the states recently. 'Call that a The band’s energy is infectious. Ryan Easy Tiger sounds like a hard working Release. Unfortunately, the systematic heart wrenching ballad?' Jon Bon is saying, Jarman’s endlessly bouncing figure was sil- song writer getting even better. Recorded album play-through renders the set about as 'I'll give you a ballad!' houetted against flashes of strobe lighting with analogue equipment, which lends a ‘70s exciting as bunging a giant CD player Singles this week were reviewed by during the first number, exciting the crowd warmth, the lyrics are more heartfelt and onstage and jabbing the play button. Ben Rackstraw to such an extent it took him a good minute laboured, showing a thoughtful side that Granted, the tunes are addictively dance- to silence them before launching into the Adams’s year of sobriety can only have sharp- able—the duo deftly release beats and raucous, wrenched chords of favourite ened. ‘Goodnight Rose’ opens the album with distort noises, animating an elated crowd. NOUSE music ‘Mirror Kissers’. warm, crunchy guitars and ‘Halloween Head’ Next up is German Electro-Tech artist, In truth, the middle order lagged slight- follows the well-defined guitar interplay that Boys Noize. They kick off with gnarly growls ly; new songs perhaps didn’t live up to some his backing band the Cardinals have devel- and synth-infused guitar crunches, finally of the band’s earlier work. Or maybe it was oped with excellent guitarist Neal Casal. dropping into wonderful heavy basslines and the searingly unbearable heat of the venue in "It's a bunch of individual poems, really. grinding techno. Heavy and dirty, it will by We chat to Kate mid-June. Nevertheless, The Cribs’ energy I still feel even unfamiliar with this record,” no means appeal to everyone. The darker Nash, plus singles didn’t falter; and despite not even indulging muses Adams with characteristic wistful- option, Boys Noize offer real stompers and reviews and all the an encore, the stage diving and guitar smash- ness. It is an exceptional and beautiful twisted remixes, including Rapture’s classic ing antics sufficed to round off the evening album, perhaps his most accessible since ‘House of Jealous Lovers’. As the clear victors unsigned music and keep the near exhausted audience hang- Gold, yet still a bold artistic statement of of the beat battle, they manage to eschew the your dear hearts ing on their every move despite the mingling individuality no one can quite convey the way lazy stage antics of Simian Mobile Disco and could desire sweat. Proper good. Adams can. craft a winning set. M22 Film 20/06/07 FilmReviews

based on fairground rides. And, DAVIDCOATES FILM: OCEAN’S THIRTEEN thankfully, the all-star cast have DIRECTOR: STEVEN SODER- pulled it off again. Danny Ocean BERGH (Clooney) and his increasingly numerous associates are back in Looking to STARRING: GEORGE CLOONEY Vegas for their latest outing, and the future, BRAD PITT are out for revenge after a dodgy business deal leaves group father- home and MATT DAMON figure and all round nice-crook abroad... REVIEW: AMY SCOTT Reuben Tishkoff (Elliot Gould) bedridden after a stroke. The sub- The York Filmmaking Society will RUNTIME: 122 MIN ject of their revenge, Willie Bank be producing two impressively ✪✪✪✪✩ (Al Pacino), is opening a new casi- ambitious pieces in the Autumn no and hotel, which the group plan term. The Heist is an old-school Ocean’s Thirteen, Steven to defraud in their usual incompre- break-in flick, whilst Scarlett Soderbergh’s third installment of hensible manner. Highlights Obsession is a dark comedy about a the Ocean’s franchise, lines up include the Malloy brothers (Casey serial killer who finds love. The lat- alongside a number of blockbusters Affleck and Scott Caan) accidental- ter, inspired by thrillers like to hit our screens this summer, and ly causing a revolution at a factory American Psycho and the snappy is set to walk the usual summer- in Mexico, Matt Damon managing time line of critical hatred along- to be the ugly thick one, and the direction of Shaun of the Dead, side massive box office takings. The mild improvement of Don boasts a tight script and some summer without blockbusters Cheadle’s British accent. black-as-hell comedy. Casting is would be like the pre-Oscars sea- Ocean’s Thirteen succeeds currently in progress, and shooting son without gorgeous actresses where other blockbusters fail starts next term. The Heist is being uglying up - it just wouldn’t feel because the makers so clearly shot now, and screened this right. However, in recent years the understand what makes a film autumn. It follows a group of ideas pool for the blockbuster entertaining. The franchise is the here than in Ocean’s Twelve, most- Soderbergh’s honesty when admit- skilled criminals breaking into a seems to be a little shallow; we’ve best modern example of quality ly because of their return to Las ting that they are made primarily mysterious, high-security building. done all the comics, we’ve done all cinema for pure entertainment, it Vegas. Ocean’s is over the top at the as a financial exercise - the profits Featuring a helicopter/skydiving the remakes and we’re done with hits all the right buttons from the best of times, a style that suits the directly fund the pair’s more chal- shot, this is possibly the biggest Bruce Willis, so this year audiences all-star cast to the swinging sound- high-flying casinos much more lenging productions such as York student film yet. Both projects are left with sequels. track, and with plenty of laughs to than the riverbanks of Amsterdam, Syriana and Good Night and Good After disappointing outings boot. It is also, importantly, an and the numerous Godfather refer- Luck. However, it is arguably are large-scale and require exten- from the makers of Spiderman and undeniably well made film. The 24- ences coupled with Pacino’s arrival because of the fact that this fran- sive crew, particularly in the Pirates of the Caribbean, a good style split screen shots, the shaky in the cast make the film a joy for chise, with pure entertainment as art/make-up department; to get show from George Clooney and his camerawork and the security film-buffs and laymen alike. its goal, is made by filmmakers involved, check out their respective gang of overly-attractive conmen is footage all aid the excitement and The Ocean’s franchise is sub- with their hearts in more challeng- Facebook groups. needed to remind audiences of the sense of secrecy and surveillance. ject to a lot of cynicism, not least ing cinema, that makes Ocean’s A compelling concept lies halcyon days before movies were The level of cliché works better because of Clooney and Thirteen such a success. behind the upcoming Paris, je t’aime. Writers Tristan Carné and Emmanuel Benbihy weave a film FILM: DEVDAS CLASSIC FILM: NIGHTWATCH spanning 20 different five-minute DIRECTOR: SANJAY LEELA DIRECTOR: TIMUR BEKMAMBE- shorts – each set in a different arrondisement – into a single nar- BHANSALI TOV rative whole. It may sound like a STARRING: SHAHRUKH KHAN STARRING: KONSTANTIN cheap gimmick, but the light-foot- edness of the movie not only allows ASHWARYA RAI KHABENSKY individual freedom on the part of MADHURI DIXIT MARIYA POROSHINA the various creative teams, but for REVIEW: ALBI FURLAN the innovative potential of cinema REVIEW: ANJLI RAVAL as a genre. And Paris is pretty cool. RUNTIME: 182 MIN RUNTIME: 92 MINS Featuring (amongst others) Gus ✪✪✪✪✪ ✪✪✪✪✪ Van Sant, The Coens, Gerald Depardieu, Wes Craven, and Set in the 1940s, this Romeo-and- Nightwatch, despite a well-trodden Alfonso Cuarón behind the camera; Juliet-style romance is a story fantasy plot, dazzles with its visuals and Willem Dafoe, Nathalie about childhood sweethearts and sophisticated use of special Portman, Steve Buscemi, Juliette Devdas (Khan) and Parvati— effects. Though the story liberally Binoche et al in front, Paris, je known as Paro—(Rai), whose plans uses many time-tested elements of t’aime is released June 29. for marriage are thwarted. Devdas' the genre, the events of the movie Perhaps not as artistically parents, who feel that their status is are never predictable. challenging, but just as exciting, is far superior to that of Paro's, forbid made, evident by the grand man- The story concerns the mysti- a refreshing watch. Bekmambetov the new release from Judd Apatow, the marriage. Paro's mother feels sions and exquisite, authentic cos- cal Nightwatch and Daywatch, takes the viewer on a rollercoaster Knocked Up. From the pretty awful insulted and vows to marry her tumes. Do not be put off by the opposing sides of ‘The Others’, peo- ride in the gritty side of Moscow, title—and his track record; daughter into an even wealthier sheer length of the film, clocking in ple born with supernatural talents and does so with style. The camera Anchorman, 40 Year Old Virgin, family than that of her sweetheart. at over three hours; the beautifully who choose which side to serve. The is dynamic, zooming around the Talladega Nights —caution would The lovers are separated; Devdas, choreographed song and dance two factions police each other in the set, almost a character itself, shak- generally be excused. The critical tormented by his loss, resorts to pieces, together with the universal- truce to their eternal war until, as ing in fear and searching for details response State-side, however, is alcohol for comfort, even rejecting ly tragic story of passion and lost prophecy states, the Great One will in the story and characters. nothing short of phenomenal. the unflinching efforts of the beau- love, constitute a film that is a truly come and relight the conflict again, CGI is varied, but used with Abandoning the loose, sketch- tiful courtesan Chandramukhi remarkable addition to world cine- tipping the scales of victory in parsimony, highlighting certain based format of his previous work, (Dixit), while Paro, though living a ma. Shah Rukh Khan and the most favour of the side he chooses. So far, plot details or to see through the Apatow has approached his subject life of luxury after marrying an sought-after actress in Bollywood, so Star Wars. eyes of the Others, especially in matter - an accidental pregnancy - even more affluent suitor, longs for Ashwarya Rai, make a superb pair, In an all-star Russian cast, their own dark dimension,“The and his characters - an aging drop- her lost love in her emotionally hol- whose chemistry makes the story Khabenski plays Anton, an Other Gloom”. And not since the first out and an aspiring TV presenter - low new life. In his desire to see her immediately believable and engag- with clairvoyant powers, more Matrix movie has ‘bullet-time’ been with subtlety and care. Playing once more, Devdas makes his way ing. curse than gift. Finding himself used so effectively, dramatically more like a drama that just so hap- to her mansion, disregarding all The film cost around $12 mil- caught in the middle as the prophe- impressive on each occasion. The pens to be hilarious, Knocked Up societal restrictions, bringing the lion to make, and took over nine cy unfolds around him, Anton soundtrack, a little on the heavy- could cement Apatow as a fully- film to a poignant conclusion. months to shoot, and is in Hindi never seems unbelievable or invin- metal side, carries the same élan. fledged master of off-beat comedy. Devdas, which made it to the with English subtitles. It has been a cible, Khabenski’s performance Nightwatch will captivate you Having already challenged Pirates Cannes Film Festival in 2002, is roaring success with international portraying perfectly the man who is with its flair and artistry, proving of the Caribbean in the US box based on the most widely-read audiences and is a great starting in too deep and wishes he wasn’t. that even a middling plot can be office, it will have its chance in the novel in India, and is the most point for anyone interested in mod- It is the directing and visuals, salvaged by technical originality. UK on August 24. expensive Bollywood film ever ern Indian cinema. however, that make this movie such Take heed, Tarantino. M23 Food and Drink 20/06/07 Food&DrinkReviews For starters, we decided to share a collec- RESTAURANT: SIAM HOUSE tion of appetizers, consisting of very delicious ADDRESS: GOODRAMGATE chicken satay with peanut sauce, spring rolls, some rather rubber-like fish cakes and some AVE. FOOD PRICE: £9 yummy prawn toasts (although I do wonder AVE. DRINK PRICE: £3 how much prawn was actually in them). Although quite satisfying—the chicken satay REVIEW: LAUREN MENZIES was as good as any I have ever tasted—I wasn't ✪✪✪✪✩ blown away by these choices, the fish cakes ruining it for me ever so slightly. The small entrance to Siam House (blink and However, for the long-awaited main you'll miss it) leads you upstairs to a charm- course, Siam House surpassed themselves. The ing restaurant situated above the hustle and sweet and sour duck was delicious and perfect- bustle of busy Goodramgate. Having never ly cooked; served with pineapple, tomatoes, tried Thai cuisine before, I was expecting peppers and onions, the extremely generous there to simply be a list of curry dishes and portion was exactly what I had hoped for. My the odd seafood platter. However, Siam fellow diners, similarly happy with their choice WHICH CEREAL House offers much more than this and it of duck with ginger, agreed wholeheartedly. really was quite difficult for my fellow diners If you're in the mood for something a little (my two housemates) and I to choose from different from your usual Chinese takeaway, BAR? the extensive list of poultry, pork, seafood, Siam House could be just what you're looking Although I am one of those lucky arts stu- beef and curry dishes. for. With its authentic surroundings and deli- dents who doesn't often have to get out of The food was served to us by waitresses cious food, it is the perfect setting for a light bed for the dreaded 9.15 am lecture or semi- wearing what I presume was authentic Thai dinner with friends. Even if you prefer the nar, on the rare occasion that this does hap- dress, adding to the general ambience of the comfort of your own living room, you will be pen, I often used to find myself sleeping restaurant, which is decorated in a tradition- pleased to hear that this pleasant Thai restau- through the alarm, waking up at 8.45 and al Thai style. All we had to hope for was that rant now offers deliveries direct to your door. barely having time to change out of my pyja- the food was as authentic as the décor was. What more could you ask for? mas and into a pair of jeans, let alone eat a decent breakfast. If it hadn't been for cereal bars, the people sitting next to me in my RESTAURANT: LA TASCA RESTAURANT: MANA RESTAURANT: MELTON’S seminars would have had to put up with the ADDRESS: BACK SWINEGATE ADDRESS: ST SAMPSON’S SQUARE ADDRESS: SCARCROFT ROAD dreadful rumbling coming from my stomach as I blushed apologetically, wishing I had AVE. FOOD PRICE: £3.50 AVE. FOOD PRICE: £8 AVE. FOOD PRICE: £18 had time to have that essential piece of toast AVE. DRINK PRICE: £3 AVE. DRINK PRICE: £3.50 AVE. DRINK PRICE: £6 and Marmite before leaving the house. The problem is, with so many to choose, how do REVIEW: STACEY GO REVIEW: HELEN CITRON REVIEW: LOUISE BRYDGES you know which cereal bar is the best? ✪✪✪✩✩ ✪✪✪✩✩ ✪✪✪✪✪ CEREAL BAR: NUTRIGRAIN STRAW- BERRY Nutrigrain bars come in a variety of flavours, but strawberry is always the flavour that I'm drawn to. The label claims that they contain 8% actual strawberries, but I'm not con- vinced that you can actually taste them, although this doesn't really matter. The oats are a change from the usual crispy texture of cereal bars and overall this is a tasty and sur- prisingly filling alternative to breakfast. CEREAL BAR: GO AHEAD FOREST FRUITS YOGHURT BREAKS

These biscuit-type bars taste much too good to be the healthy snack they claim to be. Two biscuits in a pack, with sultanas and a forest If you’re looking for that perfect restaurant to Summer has well and truly arrived, and one Situated just outside the city walls, Melton's fruit-flavoured yoghurt topping (which you spend a lazy summer’s day in, La Tasca might of the best aspects of this season is the luxury is a discreet and delightfully charming little can be forgiven for thinking resembles white just be it. With an outdoor rooftop terrace of al fresco dining. Not many places in town restaurant that entices ravenously hungry chocolate), leave you feeling very satisfied and offers such as ‘tapas for a tenner’, I just cater for pavement eating, apart from Mana, students, such as myself, into its lair with its indeed. The problem is they are so delicious had to venture inside. which not only has seats outside, but also an mouth-watering smells. The cosy, intimate that you’ll find yourself wanting another. After much deliberation, I decided to open shop-front to allow those seated inside interior with its soft lighting and scattered order the paella de chorizo and was definite- to enjoy the warm weather. As I worked my candles creates a lovely atmosphere to CEREAL BAR: COCO POPS ly not disappointed. Slightly spicy and burst- way through a bottle of wine with some leisurely peruse the menu. In doing so, one ing with a potent mix of Spanish seasonings, friends, surrounded by stone-washed walls immediately gets the sense that this restau- For the more sweet-toothed, Coco Pops the paella was tasty and filling—a meal in and terracotta decorations, it was almost pos- rant is all about the food. have always been a good choice and if you itself. The chorizo served as a great finishing sible to believe I was actually in some sunny I chose the puff pastry with the new sea- feel the need for that chocolate hit first touch to an excellent dish. seaside location. I was not in York’s St son's asparagus, chives and butter, followed thing in the morning, this bar won't disap- La Tasca also proved their cold dishes Samson’s Square in May, but rather the cob- by a breast of Gressingham duck with point. Personally, I found this that little bit were of the same high standard with the bled streets of a sleepy Mediterranean village rhubarb and spice, local greens and potato too chocolatey – if I wanted a sweet start to ensalada de pollo con pimientos, a salad in the height of summer. gratin and for dessert, a crème brûlée. The the day, I would simply reach for a much combining chicken, spinach, avocado and The restaurant describes its food as meal was utterly delicious, everything was more satisfying bar of Dairy Milk. peppers. Served together with the paella, the ‘Greek-Med Cuisine’. The result is a menu cooked to perfection and the combination of ensalada tempered the former’s spiciness boasting both traditional Greek foods, such flavours was superb. My companion was also CEREAL BAR: BLUEBERRY SPECIAL K with a cool, refreshing taste. as kebabs and moussaka, alongside more particularly impressed with the lager which However, the third dish—the gambas pil classical pizzas and pastas. My moussaka was (apparently) was not the usual stuff served in At only 90 calories, these are the healthiest pil, king prawns sautéed in olive oil—was a delicately flavoured, better than some of the restaurants, but is from the local Sam of the bunch, but do they live up to the high disappointment. Although the prawns were touristy dishes I’ve been unlucky enough to Smith's brewery, and therefore a lot nicer. expectations set by their delicious cereal fresh and tender, they arrived drowned in sample on authentic Greek Islands. However, Overall, this restaurant is really very counterpart? Although not quite as nice as a tasteless olive oil with pieces of garlic hap- the pasta was disappointing and bland, and good. It is also, however, very expensive. It's normal bowl of Special K, these bars aren't hazardly thrown in for good measure. one wonders why the management feels it probably not ideal for the average, perhaps bad. They’re slightly too sugary for my liking, Despite this, eating at La Tasca was a necessary to have such a huge menu, instead dwindling, student bank balance. It is, how- but this is made up for by the delicious driz- delightful experience, with the taste of the of just specializing in good Greek cuisine. ever, far more suited to the parents-visiting- zling of yoghurt and fruity blueberries. paella de chorizo and ensalada de pollo a wel- The food may be hit-and-miss, but York scenario, which I think is a rather good Written by Lauren Menzies come, exotic addition to a hot summer’s day. Mana is worth a try for a classier night out. alternative. M24 Listings 20/06/07

Clockwise from top left: Playing at York Fibbers - Hell is for Heroes; Derwent’s flagship charity event, Big D; James Duckworth takes on the role of Tony Blair; Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer LIVEMUSIC CAMPUSEVENTS Wednesday June 20 Monday July 2 Saturday June 23 Wednesday June 27 Hell is for Heroes Athlete Woodstock Summer Ball Fibbers will play host to Disco Ensemble, The London-based, indie rock band will Held in Vanbrugh Paradise with promotion- York's Summer Ball is open to non-gradu- Gavin Portland and Hell is for Heroes. kick off summer ‘07 and are sure to playing al offers on drinks and food, 12 hours of live ates for the first time ever. Held at York Described as "an incendiary guitar- songs from their soon to be released album music and featuring 27 excellent campus Racecourse with live performances from thrashing, maniacal live act", it must be 'Beyond the Neighbourhood'. This UK only bands. Performances also from JazzSoc, Pole Ash and East17, there's also a free fair- worth seeing. Tickets: £10 OTD. tour is their first performance for quite Exercise Soc and Comedy Soc. Tickets: £3 ground. Tickets: £29 (ball only) from some time. Leeds Cockpit. Tickets: £15. OTD. www.yusu.org/summerball. Wendesday June 27 The Envy Corps Friday June 29 Thursday June 28 Friday June 22 Upbeat country-tinged rock and a ton of The Voltz - Single Launch Party Big D Athletic Union Dinner and Awards Night. chest-bursting anthems – Midwesterners The band's sound has been likened to the Featuring three bars, a BBQ, a beer tent, A spectacular 3 course meal, presentations playing their guts out and hanging hearts classic guitar bands of the 1990s, with the sumos, an inflatable slide, an ice cream van, of individual and club awards and enter- on their guitars. Think brooding pop à la brute sonic aura and attitude of early Oasis, a rodeo bull, a bouncy castle, candy floss, a tainment from The Goosehorns. More Guillemots or Radiohead. York Fibbers, guitar riffs that are catchy and heavy in bungee and a surf ride! Tickets: £18 from info: www.yusu.org/au. Tickets: £28 from Tickets: £6 OTD. equal measure. Leeds Cockpit. Tickets: £4. YOUR:SHOP or Derwent Bar. AU office (includes free drink on arrival). ART&PERFORMANCE CINEMA Wednesday June 20 June 21-23 Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer Captivity Curator's Lunchtime Talk, York Art Gallery Inspired by Art, York Theatre Royal Released Friday June 15 Released Friday June 22 Philippa Strang, Assistant Curator for A light and emphatic look at the world of The original cast return in a film which Staring Elisha Cuthbert, this is a strikingly Biology, talks about the seasonal devolp- art performed by three Youth Theatre revolves around The Fantastic Four’s discov- similar thriller in which a man and a ments of flowers and how artists such as groups who have devised performances each ery that they aren't the only super-powered woman awaken to find themselves captured Henri Fantin-Latour reflects them in his based on a different piece of art. A unique beings in the universe. As a result they square in a cellar. As their kidnapper drives them paintings. Starts at 12.30p.m. Free. double bill of performances every night. off against the powerful Silver Surfer and the psychologically mad, the truth about their Starts at 7p.m. Tickets: £6. (Students: £5) planet-eating Galactus. horrific abduction is revealed. July 18 – 21 Vacancy Primeval TONY! The Blair Musical, York Theatre June 27 - 30 Released Friday June 15 Released Friday June 8 Peer Gynt, York Theatre Royal Royal A dark and haunting thriller starring Luke A news team is sent to South Africa to cap- A sharp satirical musical outlining the last Written by Henrik Ibsen and directed by Wilson and Kate Beckinsale, a young mar- ture and bring home a legendary 25-foot 10 years of New Labour’s government. Put Anthony Ravenhall, this is a modern re- ried couple who become stranded at an iso- crocodile. Their difficult task turns poten- on by University of York students, it prom- telling of the original 19th-century story. lated motel and find hidden video cameras in tially deadly when a warlord targets them ises to be a fantastic political comedy. Tickets: £8. (Students: £5) Starts at their room. They soon realize that unless they for death. Given a mere one star by Starts at 7.45p.m. Tickets: £10. (Students: 7.30p.m. every night, as well as 2p.m. mati- escape, they'll be the next victims and stars of www.hollywood.com, this film is recom- £5) nees on 28 and 29 June. a snuff film. mended to be seen for just how bad it is.

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