Ages and Stages Series 1-12 Months

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

This manual was developed as part of Center for Substance Abuse Treatment (CSAT) Grant 1 HD8 TI11119-01007, The Salvation Army First Choice Program for Drug-Addicted Women with Children and the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) Grant R01 DA06162, Drug Abuse Treatment Assessment Research (DATAR).

The Partners in Parenting manual was researched and compiled by Norma Bartholomew and Dr. Danica Knight. Appreciation is expressed to development team members Dr. Barry Brown, Dr. Lois Chatham, and Dr. Dwayne Simpson for their editorial suggestions, and to Linda Houser and Charlotte Pevoto for their valuable assistance with layout and design.

The Partners in Parenting training module and all related data collection forms may be used for personal, educational, research, and/or information purposes. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce and distribute copies of these materials (except reprinted passages from copyrighted sources) for nonprofit educational and nonprofit library purposes, provided that copies are distributed at or below costs and that credit for author, source, and copyright are included on each copy. No material may be copied, downloaded, stored in a retrieval system, or redistributed for any commercial purpose without the express written permission of Texas Christian University.

For more information, please contact:

Institute of Behavioral Research Texas Christian University TCU Box 298740 Fort Worth, TX 76129 (817) 257-7226 (817) 257-7290 (FAX) Email: [email protected] Web site: www.ibr.tcu.edu

ii A TCU /DATAR Manual Appendix List of Supplemental Reading Materials

Page Iowa State University – University Extension Service Ages and Stages Series 1-12 Months ...... 199 12-18 Months ...... 203 18-24 Months ...... 205 2-Year-Olds ...... 207 3-Year-Olds ...... 209 4-Year-Olds ...... 211 5-Year-Olds ...... 213 6-8 Years...... 215 9-11 Years ...... 217 Preteen, Young Teen Development ...... 219 Understanding Children Series Toys ...... 221 Sibling Rivalry ...... 225 Language Development ...... 229 Learning to Read and Write ...... 233 Disciplining Your Preschooler ...... 237 Disciplining Your Toddler ...... 241 Fears ...... 245 Self-Esteem ...... 249 Moving to a New Home...... 253 Temper Tantrums ...... 257 Biting ...... 261 Toilet Training ...... 265 Children and Sleep ...... 269 Childhood Stress: What Parents Can Do ...... 271

All articles referenced above appear by permission of University Extension Service, Iowa State University, Ames, Iowa. Available: http://www.extension.iastate.edu/pubs/ch.htm Downloaded and printed: 3/21/2000 and 8/6/02.

Partners in Parenting 197

1-12 Months

Babies learn and grow so quickly. By the end of this year your baby will have almost tripled in size. He or she will be crawling and maybe even taking a timid first step! Try to spend lots of time holding, cuddling, and playing with your little one. You will be richly rewarded with babbles, smiles, and squeals of laughter.

By 4 months • Baby proof everything! Store toxic substances such as dish- Physical development washer detergent, make-up, paint, or medicine up high. Put • weight: 10-18 pounds safety latches on cabinets, and covers on electrical outlets. Lower crib mattresses so an older infant can’t fall over the •␣ length: 23-27 inches rail. Cover sharp corners of tables or shelves that your infant •␣ sleeps about 6 hours before might bump into. waking during the night • Provide interesting objects for baby to mouth and explore. •␣ sleeps 14-17 hours daily Square nylon scarves, plastic measuring cups, large wooden •␣ lifts head and chest when spoons, and colorful washcloths are favorite household toys. lying on stomach Keep easy-to-swallow objects out of infant’s reach. Baby should not be allowed to play with anything smaller than a •␣ holds both eyes in a 1 half dollar (about 1 /4 inch). fixed position • If your baby is bottle fed, be sure to hold him or her while •␣ follows a moving object or feeding. Even if your baby holds the bottle, being held and person with eyes cuddled helps develop a strong nurturing parent-child rela- •␣ grasps rattle or finger tionship. Do not prop an infant drinking from a bottle as it •␣ wiggles and kicks with arms may cause choking. and legs • Respect your baby’s natural schedule. Most babies will settle • rolls over (stomach to back) into a regular routine for eating, sleeping, and soiling their diapers, but the schedule will vary depending on the baby. • sits with support Some babies need to eat more frequently than others. Some Mental development will sleep through the night early on, others will continue to wake briefly well into their second year. •␣ explores objects with mouth •␣ Talk to your baby. Face your infant when talking so he or • plays with fingers, hands, she can see you and smile with you. Talk about what you are toes doing, familiar objects, or people. You may even want to •␣ reacts to sound of voice, (continued on page 3) rattle, bell •␣ turns head toward bright colors and lights •␣ recognizes bottle or breast

PM 1530A Revised March 2001

Partners in Parenting 199 (4 months cont.) •␣ uses finger and thumb to • shows distress if toy is Social and emotional pick up an object taken away •␣ transfers objects from one • squeals, laughs, babbles, development hand to the other smiles in response •␣ cries (with tears) to commu- •␣ hair growth begins to cover • likes to be tickled and nicate pain, fear, discomfort, head touched or loneliness Mental development • smiles at own reflection in •␣ babbles or coos mirror • cries in different ways to say •␣ loves to be touched and • raises arms as a sign to be he or she is hurt, wet, hun- held close held gry, or lonely •␣ responds to a shaking rattle • recognizes family member • makes noises to voice dis- or bell names pleasure or satisfaction •␣ returns a smile • responds to distress of others • recognizes and looks for • responds to peak-a-boo by showing distress or crying familiar voices and sounds games • shows mild to severe stress • learns by using senses like at separation from parent By 8 months smell, taste, touch, sight, hearing Physical development By 12 months • focuses eyes on small objects • weight: 14-23 pounds and reaches for them Physical development • length: 25-30 inches • looks for ball rolled out of • weight: 17-27 pounds •␣ first teeth begin to appear sight • length: 27-32 inches •␣ drools, mouths, and chews • searches for toys hidden • sleeps 11-13 hours at night; on objects under a blanket, basket, or but may still wake up during •␣ reaches for cup or spoon container the night when being fed • explores objects by touching, • takes naps—some babies will •␣ drinks from a cup with help shaking, banging, and mouthing stop taking a morning nap, • babbles expressively as if others will continue both •␣ enjoys some finely chopped, morning and afternoon naps solid foods talking • enjoys dropping objects over • begins to refuse bottle or wean •␣ closes mouth firmly or turns self from breast during day head when no longer hungry edge of chair or crib • needs at least 3 meals a day •␣ may sleep 11-13 hours at Social and emotional with 2 snacks in-between night although this varies development greatly • enjoys drinking from a cup • responds to own name •␣ needs 2-3 naps during the • begins to eat finger foods day • shows fear of falling off high • continues to explore every- places such as table or stairs •␣ develops a rhythm for feed- thing by mouth ing, eliminating, sleeping, • spends a great deal of time • enjoys opening and closing and being awake watching and observing cabinet doors •␣ true eye color is established • responds differently to • crawls well strangers and family •␣ rolls from back to stomach • pulls self to a standing members and stomach to back position • shows fearfulness toward • sits alone without support • stands alone holding onto strangers; is friendly to and holds head erect furniture for support family members •␣ raises up on arms and knees • walks holding onto furniture • imitates sounds, actions, into crawling position; rocks or with adult help and facial expressions made back and forth, but may not by others move forward

200 A TCU/DATAR Manual Mental development • pays attention to Social and emotional conversations • says first word development • claps hands, waves bye, • says da-da and ma-ma if prompted • copies adult actions such as or equivalent drinking from a cup, talking •␣ likes to place objects inside on phone • “dances” or bounces to music one another • interested in picture books • responds to name • likes to watch self in mirror • expresses fear or anxiety toward strangers (continued from page 1) • wants caregiver or parent to be in constant sight babble back or echo sounds your baby makes much as you would in a regular conversation. Even though your infant • offers toys or objects to cannot understand everything you say, he or she will be others, but expects them to learning many words that will form the basis for language be returned later on. •␣ may become attached to a •␣ Read to your baby. Babies enjoy cuddling on a parent’s lap, favorite toy or blanket looking at colorful picture books, and hearing the rhythm of • pushes away something he a parent’s voice. With time they begin to understand that or she does not want words have meaning and can be used to identify objects. •␣ Encourage older infants to feed themselves by offering Toys pieces of banana and soft bread. Give your baby a spoon •␣ pictures on wall with some mashed potatoes or other sticky food and let him or her practice eating with a spoon. Yes, it will be messy! Be •␣ mobile of bright and patient. Learning this skill takes lots of practice! contrasting colors •␣ Play peek-a-boo. Hide your face behind a blanket, then peek • measuring cups out at your baby. Older babies will learn to do this them- • crib mirror selves and will enjoy this game for a long time. • rattles that make a variety •␣ Give your baby the freedom to move around. Young infants of sounds enjoy being on their back so they can kick, wiggle, and look • musical toys around. Older infants need space and time to practice crawling, creeping, pulling up, and walking. Spending too •␣ xylophone much time in a walker, play pen, or infant swing may in- • bath toys hibit the development of these important skills. •␣ spoons • Help your baby develop a sense of trust and security by • pounding bench responding to baby’s cries. Feeling secure encourages your baby to try new things. Be consistent so your baby knows • balls of different sizes what to expect. •␣ stacking rings • Stay with your baby when someone new is around. Encour- •␣ board or cloth books age strangers to approach slowly. Introduce your infant, • large plastic cars, trucks and let him or her explore someone new in the safety of your presence. •␣ soft, washable dolls or animals

Partners in Parenting 201 Books for parents Touchpoints: Your Child’s Emotional and Behavioral Development, T. Berry Brazelton The First Twelve Months of Life: Your Baby’s Growth Month by Month, Frank Caplan What to Expect the First Year, Arlene Eisenberg, Heidi Murkoff and Sandy Hathaway Your Baby and Child, From Birth to Age Five, Penelope Leach The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two, William Sears and Martha Sears Caring for Your Baby and Child - Birth to Age Five, American Academy of Pediatrics. Steven P. Shevlov, ed. Books for children Baby’s Faces, Ben Argueta The Rock-A-Bye Collection (audio tape and book), J. Aaron Brown & Associates, Inc. Teddy In The House, Lucy Cousins Touch and Feel: Baby Animals, DK Publishing Grow! Babies!, Penny Gentieu Animal Babies, Harry McNaught Hide and Seek Puppies, Roy Volkmann

A word on development Your child is unique. His or her learning and • Your pediatrician or health care professional growth rates differ from other children the same • Area Education Agency—Early Childhood age. If, however, your child is unable to do Special Education Department many of the skills listed for this age group, you may wish to talk to an early childhood special- • Iowa Compass 1-800-779-2001. ist. You are the best person to notice develop- Contact your county Extension office to obtain mental problems, if any, because of the time other publications about children, parenting, you spend with your child. If your child has and family life or visit the ISU Extension Web special needs, early help can make a difference. site at http://www.extension.iastate.edu/Pages/ pubs/. If you have questions about your child’s development or want to have your child assessed, contact:

The developmental information provided in this bulletin has been compiled from a variety of professional resources to help you understand your child’s overall growth. It is not a standardized measurement tool.

File: Family life - 8 . . . and justice for all discrimination, write USDA, Office of Civil Rights, Room The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) prohibits 326-W, Whitten Building, 14th and Independence Avenue, discrimination in all its programs and activities on the basis SW, Washington, DC 20250-9410 or call 202-720-5964. of race, color, national origin, gender, religion, age, Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension work, Acts Written by Lesia Oesterreich, extension family life disability, political beliefs, sexual orientation, and marital or of May 8 and June 30, 1914, in cooperation with the U.S. specialist. Edited by Muktha Jost. Graphic design family status. (Not all prohibited bases apply to all Department of Agriculture. Stanley R. Johnson, director, programs.) Many materials can be made available in Cooperative Extension Service, Iowa State University of by Valerie Dittmer King. alternative formats for ADA clients. To file a complaint of Science and Technology, Ames, Iowa.

202 A TCU/DATAR Manual 12-18 Months

The second year is a delightful time for parents and children. Your baby is developing a personality and rewards your time together with laughter, funny faces, and affectionate hugs. First steps and first words are exciting family events.

Physical development • weight: 17-30 pounds • Enjoy some “floor time” with your child each day. Crawl around together, play peek-a-boo behind the sofa, or roll a ball back and • height: 27-35 inches forth. Your child will love having you down on his or her level. • crawls well • Review your baby proofing. Your child’s increasing growth and • stands alone, sits down mobility make it possible to reach unsafe heights and play with • gestures or points to indicate dangerous material. Get down on your knees in each room and wants look at things from your child’s perspective. Put toxic items like • likes to push, pull, and paint, dishwashing detergent, medicine, and make-up in high dump things cupboards, preferably with a safety cabinet latch. • pulls off hat, socks, and • Put together a box of items that are fun to feel, poke, and squeeze. mittens You might include plastic margarine tubs, an old sock, tissue • turns pages in a book paper to crumple, measuring cups of different sizes, a turkey • stacks 2 blocks baster, a nylon scarf, an egg carton, and paper cups. Choose items larger than a half-dollar to avoid choking hazards. • likes to poke, twist, and squeeze • Relax and have fun dancing to music with your child. • enjoys flushing toilets and closing doors • Use bath time to point to some body parts and say them with your • enjoys carrying small objects baby. Nose, ears, arms, legs, tummy, toes.... while walking, often one in each • Talk frequently to your child to increase his or her language skills hand and encourage cooperation. You can make dressing time more fun • holds crayon and scribbles, but by pointing to and identifying body parts and clothes. For instance, with little control “See this pretty red shirt? The shirt goes over your head. Your • waves bye-bye and claps hands arms go into the sleeves. What shall we put on your legs?” • walks without help • Around 18 months your child may begin clinging and become anxious • enjoys holding spoon when about being separated from you. If possible, reduce separations and eating, but experiences diffi- be sure that your child is cared for by someone familiar. culty in getting spoon into mouth • rolls a ball to adult on request

PM 1530B Revised May 2001 Partners in Parenting 203 Mental development • says 8-20 words you can understand • looks at person talking to him or her Books for parents • says “Hi” or “Bye” if reminded Your Baby and Child, From Birth to Age • uses expressions like “Oh-oh” Five, Penelope Leach • asks for something by pointing Caring for Your Baby & Young Child, Birth or using one word to Age Five, American Academy • identifies object in a book of Pediatrics, Steven P. Shevlov, ed. • plays peek-a-boo Books for children • looks for objects that are hidden Baby! Talk!, Penny Gentieu or out of sight Baby’s Colors, Neil Ricklen • understands and follows simple Baby’s First Words, Lars Wik one-step directions Farm Animals, Phoebe Dunn • likes to take things apart Goodnight Moon, Margret Wise Brown Social and emotional Moo, Baa, La La La, Sandra Boynton development • becomes upset when separated from parent • likes to hand objects to others A word on development • plays alone on floor with toys Your child is unique. His or her learning and growth rates differ from • recognizes self in mirror other children the same age. If, however, your child is unable to do or pictures many of the skills listed for this age group, you may wish to talk to an • enjoys being held and read to early childhood specialist. You are the best person to notice develop- • imitates others especially by mental problems, if any, because of the time you spend with your child. coughing, sneezing, or making If your child has special needs, early help can make a difference. If you animal sounds have questions about your child’s development or want to have your • enjoys an audience and applause child assessed, contact: Toys • Your pediatrician or health care professional • nesting cups • Area Education Agency—Early Childhood Special • bath toys, small boat Education Department • soft, huggable dolls (large) • Iowa COMPASS 1-800-779-2001. • large animal pictures Contact your county Extension office to obtain other publications about • objects to match children, parenting, and family life. • large, plastic blocks • musical records or tapes • soft balls of different sizes • push cart, dump truck The developmental information provided in this bulletin has been compiled from • teddy bear a variety of professional resources to help you understand your child’s overall • plastic jar with lid; lids and growth. It is not a standardized measurement tool. containers • toy telephone

. . . and justice for all discrimination, write USDA, Office of Civil Rights, Room The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) prohibits 326-W, Whitten Building, 14th and Independence Avenue, File: Family life 8 discrimination in all its programs and activities on the basis SW, Washington, DC 20250-9410 or call 202-720-5964. of race, color, national origin, gender, religion, age, Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension work, Acts Written by Lesia Oesterreich, ISU Extension disability, political beliefs, sexual orientation, and marital or of May 8 and June 30, 1914, in cooperation with the U.S. family life specialist. Graphic design by family status. (Not all prohibited bases apply to all Department of Agriculture. Stanley R. Johnson, director, programs.) Many materials can be made available in Cooperative Extension Service, Iowa State University of Valerie Dittmer King. alternative formats for ADA clients. To file a complaint of Science and Technology, Ames, Iowa. 204 A TCU/DATAR Manual 18-24 Months

Welcome to the world of toddlerhood! This stage brings a greater sense of independence to your child as he or she learns to walk, run, and climb with greater skill. Your little one now loves to imitate everything you do. Pre- tending to talk on the phone is a favorite activity.

Physical development • weight: 20-32 pounds •␣ Enjoy dancing with your child to music with different rhythms. • length: 30-37 inches • Talk with your child about everyday things. After 18 months, he or she will learn new words at a rapid rate. • walks well • Read simple books with your child every day. Choose books with • likes to run, but can’t always cardboard or cloth pages and encourage your child to turn pages. stop and turn well • Make your own scrap book of objects or people he or she knows by • drinks from a straw using a small photo album. • feeds self with a spoon • Encourage language development by expanding on what your child • helps wash hands says. When your child says “kitty” you can say “Yes, the kitty is • stacks 4-6 blocks little and soft.” • tosses or rolls a large ball • Play a simple game of “find.” Place three familiar toys in front of your child and say, “Give me the _____.” See if he or she tries to • opens cabinets, drawers, find it and hand it to you. and boxes • Encourage your child to play dress-up by providing a full-length • bends over to pick up toy with- mirror on the wall and a “pretend box” filled with caps, scarves, out falling and old shoes. • walks up steps with help • takes steps backward • enjoys sitting on, and moving Mental development • likes to choose between two small-wheeled riding toys • has a vocabulary of several objects • begins to gain some control of hundred words, including • hums or tries to sing bowels and bladder; complete names of a few toys • listens to short rhymes or control may not be achieved • uses two to three word sen- fingerplays until around age 3 (boys often tences • points to eyes, ears, or nose do not complete toilet learning • echoes single words that are when asked 1 spoken by someone else until age 3 /2) •␣ uses the words “Please” and • talks to self and “jabbers” “Thank you” if prompted expressively • enjoys singing familiar songs • has “favorite” toys

Partners in Parenting 205 Social and emotional development • likes to imitate others • begins to show signs of independence; says “no” Books for parents • has difficulty sharing Your Baby and Child, From Birth to Age Five, • very possessive Penelope Leach Caring for Your Baby & Young Child, Birth to • finds it difficult to wait and Age Five, American Academy of Pediat- wants it right now! rics, Steven P. Shevlov, ed • gets angry sometimes and has temper tantrums Books for children • acts shy around strangers All About Baby,ˆStephen Shott • comforts a distressed friend Animal Time, Tom Arma or parent Bunny and Me, Adele Aron Greenspun • refers to self by name Goodnight Moon, Margret Wise Brown • uses the words “me” The Little Quiet Book, Katharine Ross and “mine” Trucks, Byron Barton • enjoys looking at picture books • tries to do many things alone • enjoys adult attention • enjoys pretending (wearing hats, A word on development talking on phone) Your child is unique. His or her learning and growth rates differ from • enjoys exploring; gets into other children the same age. If, however, your child is unable to do many everything, and requires con- of the skills listed for this age group, you may wish to talk to an early stant supervision childhood specialist. You are the best person to notice developmental • generally unable to remember problems, if any, because of the time you spend with your child. If your rules child has special needs, early help can make a difference. If you have • often gets physically aggressive when frustrated — slaps, hits questions about your child’s development or want to have your child • shows affection by returning a assessed, contact: hug or kiss • Your pediatrician or health care professional • may become attached to a toy or blanket • Area Education Agency—Early Childhood Special Education Department Toys • Iowa Compass 1-800-779-2001. • pegboard and pegs, pounding bench, shape sorter Contact your county Extension office to obtain other publications about • snap and lock beads, ringstack, children, parenting, and family life. plastic jar with lid and containers, beads to string, nesting cups •␣ soft, huggable dolls (large), teddy bear, soft balls of different sizes The developmental information provided in this bulletin has been compiled • animal pictures (large), musical from a variety of professional resources to help you understand your child’s records or tapes overall growth. It is not a standardized measurement tool. • crayon and paper, play dough • push cart, riding toy, toy telephone . . . and justice for all The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) prohibits Room 326-W, Whitten Building, 14th and Independence discrimination in all its programs and activities on the Avenue, SW, Washington, DC 20250-9410 or call 202- File: Family life 8 basis of race, color, national origin, gender, religion, age, 720-5964. Issued in furtherance of Cooperative disability, political beliefs, sexual orientation, and marital Extension work, Acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, in Written by Lesia Oesterreich, extension or family status. (Not all prohibited bases apply to all cooperation with the U.S. Department of Agriculture. family life specialist. Edited by Muktha Jost. programs.) Many materials can be made available in Stanley R. Johnson, director, Cooperative Extension Graphic design by Valerie Dittmer King. alternative formats for ADA clients. To file a complaint Service, Iowa State University of Science and of discrimination, write USDA, Office of Civil Rights, Technology, Ames, Iowa. 206 A TCU/DATAR Manual 2-Year-Olds

Two-year-olds like to be independent! Favorite words are “Mine” and “No” and “I do it!” A great deal of time is spent exploring, pushing, pulling, filling, dumping, and touching.

Physical development • Baby proof your house again. Your toddler is now taller and • weight: 22-38 pounds more skillful at opening doors and getting into mischief. • height: 32-40 inches • Read aloud to your child every day. Use books with large pic- • has almost a full set of teeth tures and few words. • walks up and down stairs by • Try to expand your child’s words. If Anna wants more juice, let her holding onto railing hear the correct word order, but don’t demand that she imitate you. • feeds self with spoon If she says “more juice,” say “Anna wants more juice.” • experiments by touching, • Encourage your child to identify noises like the vacuum, tap smelling, and tasting water, dogs barking, thunder, airplane, and car. • likes to push, pull, fill, • Let your child help you with simple chores such as picking up and dump toys, or putting clothes in the laundry basket. Let your child name things you are using. • can turn pages of a book • Add new information to what your child is saying. “Yes that’s a • stacks 2-4 objects car, a big, red car.” • scribbles with crayons • Give toddlers clear and simple choices. “Do you want to drink or markers milk or juice? Do you want to wear green or blue socks?” • many children (but not all) will • Know how to handle a temper tantrum learn to use toilet - don’t yell or hit the child, • walks without help - remain calm, • walks backwards - talk in a soothing tone, • tosses or rolls a large ball - put your hand gently on child’s arm if possible. • stoops or squats • Do not expect toddlers to share or take turns. Right now they • opens cabinets, drawers are focused on learning how to physically handle themselves • can bend over to pick up toy and on learning to talk. Learning to share will come later. without falling • Provide spaces where toddlers can spend time alone. An old cardboard box or a blanket over a card table works great.

Pm-1530d | Reprinted | June 1995

Partners in Parenting 207 Mental development • enjoys simple stories, rhymes, and songs • uses 2-3 word sentences • says names of toys Books for parents • hums or tries to sing Your Baby and Child, From Birth to age • enjoys looking at books Five, Penelope Leach • points to eyes, ears, or nose Caring for Your Baby and Child, Birth when asked to Age Five, American Academy of Pediatrics, Steven P. Shevlov, ed • repeats words Books for children Social and emotional Brown Bear, Brown Bear What Do You development See?, Bill Martin Jr. • plays alongside others more Mouse Paint, Ellen Stoll Walsh than with them The Little Red House, Norma Jean Sawicki • acts shy around strangers When I Was A Baby, Catherine Anholt • likes to imitate parents Sounds My Feet Make, Arlene Blanchard • easily frustrated Harold and The Purple Crayon, David Johnson Leisk • affectionate—hugs and kisses Mr. Little’s Noisy Truck, Richard Fowler • insists on trying to do several tasks without help A word on development • enjoys simple make-believe Your child is unique. Children’s learning and growth rates differ like talking on phone, putting from other children their age. If, however, your child is unable to do on hat many of the skills listed for a certain age group, you may wish to • very possessive—offers toys to talk to an early childhood specialist. other children, but then wants You are the best person to notice developmental problems, if any, them back because of the time you spend with your child. If your child has special needs, early help can make a difference. Toys If you have questions about your child’s development or want to • large blocks, pegboard have your child assessed, contact: • toy telephone • Your pediatrician or health care professional • tricycle, rocking horse • Area Education Agency - Early Childhood Special Education Department • water and sand toys • Iowa Compass 1-800-779-2001. • bubbles Contact your county extension office to obtain other publications • table and chairs, play dishes about children, parenting, and family life. • dress-up clothes The developmental information provided in this bulletin has been compiled • shape sorters, 3-4 piece puzzles from a variety of professional resources to help you understand your child’s • small and large balls overall growth. It is not a standardized measurement tool. • doll with bottle and blanket • cars and trucks (large) • nursery rhyme tapes, books • large crayons, blunt scissors • stuffed animals, wooden animals

File: Family life 8

Written by Lesia Oesterreich, extension . . .and justice for all Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension work, Acts of The Iowa Cooperative Extension Service’s programs and May 8 and June 30, 1914, in cooperation with the U.S. family life specialist. Edited by Muktha Jost. policies are consistent with pertinent federal and state laws and Department of Agriculture. Robert M. Anderson, Jr., director, Graphic design by Valerie Dittmer King. regulations on nondiscrimination regarding race, color, national Cooperative Extension Service, Iowa State University of origin, religion, sex, age and disability. Science and Technology, Ames, Iowa. 208 A TCU/DATAR Manual 3-Year-Olds

The 3-year-old is full of wonder, and spends a lot of time observing and imitating. They love to spend time with parents and enjoy helping out with simple household tasks.

Physical development • Make brushing teeth a part of your child’s daily routine. • weight: 25-44 pounds • Be patient with toileting — accidents will still happen for a while. • height: 34-43 inches • Purchase easy-to-dress clothing. • develops a taller, thinner, adult- like appearance • Provide large buttons or old beads to string on a shoe lace. • develops a full set of baby teeth • Encourage sand and water play. • sleeps 10-12 hours at night • Show your child how to throw, catch, and kick a ball. • sleeps through most nights • Show your child how to hop like a rabbit, tiptoe like a bird, waddle without wetting the bed (occa- like a duck, slither like a snake, and run like a deer. sional accidents are still quite • Talk frequently, use short sentences, ask questions, and listen. common) • Add new information to your child’s sentences. “Yes, that’s a • uses the toilet with some help flower—it’s a tall, red flower and it smells so good.” (many boys may not be ready • Teach your child to memorize his or her first and last name. for toilet learning until 1 age 3 /2) • Ask your child to tell you a story during your reading time. • puts on shoes (but cannot tie • Sing simple songs with your child. laces) • Look at baby pictures together and talk about “When you • dresses self with some help were a baby.” (buttons, snaps, zippers) • Talk about colors, numbers, and shapes in your everyday conver- • feeds self (with some spilling) sation. “We need ONE egg. That’s a RED car. The butter is in this SQUARE box.” • tries to catch a large ball • Ask for help with simple tasks such as putting the napkins by each • throws a ball overhead plate, socks in the drawer, or stirring the muffin batter. • kicks a ball forward • hops on 1 foot Mental and language development • walks short distance on tiptoe • 75-80 percent of speech is • stumbles over words sometimes • climbs up and down a small understandable; talks in com- — usually not a sign of stuttering slide by self plete sentences of 3-5 words. • listens attentively to short stories; • pedals a tricycle “Mommy is drinking juice.” likes familiar stories told without “There’s a big dog.” any changes in words

PM 1530E Revised April 2001 Partners in Parenting 209 • repeats words and sounds • enjoys listening to stories and repeating simple rhymes • able to tell simple stories from pictures or books • enjoys singing and can carry a Books for parents simple tune Your Baby and Child, From Birth to Age Five, • understands “now,” “soon,” and Penolope Leach “later” Caring for Your Baby and Young Child, Birth to Age Five, American Academy of Pediat- • asks who, what, where, and why rics, Steven P. Shevlov, ed questions • stacks 5-7 blocks Books for children • enjoys playing with clay or play Caps For Sale, Esphyr Slobodkina dough (pounds, rolls, and The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Eric Carle squeezes it) Is It Red? Is It Yellow? Is It Blue?, Tana Hoban • puts together a 6-piece puzzle All by Myself, Mercer Mayer • draws a circle and square I Just Forgot, Mercer Mayer • recognizes everyday sounds I'm Sorry, Sam McBratney • matches object and picture A Tree Is Nice, Janice Udry • identifies common colors • can count 2-3 objects Toys • small table and chairs, crayons, felt tip markers, play dough, • nesting toys, cups that stack, glue and paper, paint, paint Social and emotional puzzles (3-6 pieces) brushes, stickers development • matching games, small pegs, • puppets, toy animals, dolls pegboard • accepts suggestions and follows • balls (different sizes), large • large wheeled toys, tricycle, simple directions blocks slide, wagon • sometimes shows preference for one parent (often the parent of A word on development the opposite sex) Your child is unique. Children’s learning and growth rates differ from • enjoys helping with simple other children their age. If, however, your child is unable to do many of household tasks the skills listed for his or her age group, you may wish to talk to an • can make simple choices be- early childhood specialist. You are the best person to notice develop- tween two things mental problems, if any, because of the time you spend with your child. • enjoys making others laugh and If your child has special needs, early help can make a difference. If you being silly have questions about your child’s development or want to have your child assessed, contact: • enjoys playing alone, but near • Your pediatrician or health care professional other children • Area Education Agency—Early Childhood Special • spends a great deal of time Education Department watching and observing • Iowa Compass 1-800-779-2001. • enjoys playing with other chil- Contact your county Extension office to obtain other publications dren briefly, but still does not about children and parenting. Also visit the ISU Extension Web cooperate or share well site at http://www.extension.iastate.edu/Pages/pubs/ • enjoys hearing stories about self, playing “house,” imitating The developmental information provided in this bulletin has been compiled from a variety of professional resources to help you understand your child’s • can answer the question, “are overall growth. It is not a standardized measurement tool. you a boy or a girl?” Written by Lesia Oesterreich, extension family life specialist. Graphic design by Valerie Dittmer King. File: Family life 8

. . . and justice for all to all programs.) Many materials can be made available Cooperative Extension work, Acts of May 8 and June The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) prohibits in alternative formats for ADA clients. To file a 30, 1914, in cooperation with the U.S. Department of discrimination in all its programs and activities on the complaint of discrimination, write USDA, Office of Civil Agriculture. Stanley R. Johnson, director, Cooperative basis of race, color, national origin, gender, religion, Rights, Room 326-W, Whitten Building, 14th and Extension Service, Iowa State University of Science age, disability, political beliefs, sexual orientation, and Independence Avenue, SW, Washington, DC 20250- and Technology, Ames, Iowa. marital or family status. (Not all prohibited bases apply 9410 or call 202-720-5964. Issued in furtherance of 210 A TCU/DATAR Manual 4-Year-Olds

Energetic and imaginative best describes the four- year-old. They are able to learn new words quickly, and use them in chatting with you, telling you jokes and wild stories.

Physical development • Read aloud each day and encourage your child to help you tell • weight: 27-50 pounds the story. • height: 37-46 inches • Talk about reading. Show your child that words are everywhere: • uses a spoon, fork, and dinner grocery labels, restaurant menus, department store signs, etc. knife skillfully • Encourage your child to play with words by providing old cou- • needs 10-12 hours sleep pons, junk mail, newspaper ads, and old cereal boxes. each night • Ask your child to deliver short messages to family members. • dresses self without much help • Say nursery rhymes and fingerplays together. • walks a straight line • Make playdough, play follow the leader. • hops on 1 foot • Cut out magazine pictures of different shapes, colors, or animals. • pedals and steers a tricycle • Talk about things being in, on, under, behind, beside, etc. skillfully • Pretend to walk like various animals. • jumps over objects 5-6 inches high • Sort and count everything in sight like silverware, socks, rocks. • runs, jumps, hops, skips • Teach your child the correct use of the telephone. around obstacles with ease • Let your child help you plan activities and make lists for grocer- • stacks 10 or more blocks ies, errands, etc. • forms shapes and objects out of clay or play dough Mental development • threads small beads on a string • can place objects in a line from largest to smallest • catches, bounces, and throws • can recognize some letters if taught and may be able to print name a ball easily • recognizes familiar words in simple books or signs (STOP sign) • understands the concepts of tallest, biggest, same, more, on, in, under, and above • counts 1-7 objects out loud • understands the order of daily routines (breakfast before lunch, lunch before dinner, dinner before bedtime)

Pm-1530f | July 1993 Partners in Parenting 211 • speaks fairly complex sentences. “The baby ate the cookie before I could put it on the table.” • enjoys singing simple songs, rhymes, and nonsense words Books for children • adapts language to listener’s May I Bring a Friend?, De Regniefs and level of understanding. To Beatrice Schenk baby sister: “Daddy go bye bye.” To Mother: “Daddy went Blackboard Bear, Martha Alexander to the store to buy food.” Imogene’s Antlers, David Small • learns name, address, and Bedtime for Frances, Russell Hoban and phone number if taught Lillian Hoban • asks and answers who, what, No Ducks in Our Bathtub, Martha when, why, where questions Alexander • continues 1 activity for I Want To Paint My Bathroom Blue, Ruth 10-15 minutes Kraus • names 6-8 colors and If You Give A Mouse A Cookie By Laura 3 shapes Joffe Numeroff • follows two unrelated direc- What Do You Do With A Kangaroo?, Mercer Mayer tions: “Put your milk on the table and get your coat on” • expresses anger verbally rather than physically (most of the time) • pretending goes far beyond “playing house” to more elaborate Social and emotional settings like fire station, school, shoe store, ice cream shop development • loves to tell jokes that may not make any sense at all to adults • takes turns and shares (most of the time); may still be bossy Toys • understands and obeys simple • matching games, puzzles 12-15 pieces, board games, dominoes, rules (most of the time) play money, pretend cash register • changes the rules of a game as • plastic blocks, balls (all sizes) she goes along • glue, crayons, paint, scissors and paper, washable markers, • likes to talk and carries on colored chalk, play dough elaborate conversations • trucks and cars, bicycle with training wheels, dress-up clothes • persistently asks why; may • puppets, books, bean bags, doll with clothes name call, tattle freely • enjoys showing off and brag- A word on development ging about possessions Your child is unique. Her learning and growth rates differ from • fearful of the dark and monsters other children her age. If, however, your child is unable to do many of the skills listed for his age group, you may wish to talk to an early • begins to understand danger childhood specialist. — at times can become quite You are the best person to notice developmental problems, if any, fearful because of the time you spend with your child. If your child has • has difficulty separating make- special needs, early help can make a difference. believe from reality If you have questions about your child’s development or want to have your child assessed, contact: • lies sometimes to protect self • Your pediatrician or health care professional and friends, but doesn’t truly • Area Education Agency—Early Childhood Special understand the concept of Education Department lying — imagination often gets • Iowa Compass 1-800-779-2001. in the way Contact your county Extension office to obtain other publications • likes to shock others by using about children, parenting, and family life. “forbidden” words The developmental information provided in this bulletin has been synthesized • still throws tantrums over from a variety of professional resources to help you understand your child’s minor frustrations overall growth. It is not a standardized measurement tool.

Written by Lesia Oesterreich, extension family life . . .and justice for all Cooperative Extension Service, Iowa State University of Science and The Iowa Cooperative Extension Service’s programs and policies are Technology and the United States Department of Agriculture cooperating. specialist. Edited by Muktha Jost. Graphic design by consistent with pertinent federal and state laws and regulations on Robert M. Anderson, Jr., director, Ames, Iowa. Distributed in furtherance of the Valerie Dittmer King. nondiscrimination regarding race, color, national origin, religion, sex, age and Acts of Congress of May 8 and June 30, 1914. disibility. 212 A TCU/DATAR Manual 5-Year-Olds

The 5-year-old is cheerful, energetic, and enthusi- astic. Fives enjoy planning and discussing who will do what. A “best friend” is very important, but hard to keep as social skills are not well developed yet.

Physical development • weight: 31-57 pounds • Encourage physical development by playing follow the leader with • height: 39-48 inches skipping, galloping, and hopping. • sleeps 10-11 hours at night • Help your child learn to use a pair of scissors by asking him or her • may begin to loose baby teeth to help you cut out coupons. • able to dress self with little • Stop before the end of a familiar story and ask your child to add assistance his or her own ending. • Ask your child to tell you a story. Write it down and post it on the • learns to skip wall or refrigerator. • throws ball overhead • Ask “what if” questions? What if there were five little pigs instead of • catches bounced balls three? What if Goldilocks stayed home? • rides a tricycle skillfully, may • Involve children in writing “thank you” notes, holiday greeting cards, show interest in riding a bicycle and letters. If your child likes to copy letters, let him or her dictate with training wheels a short message and copy it from your writing. • uses a fork and knife well • Give your child opportunities to sort, group, match, count, and sequence with real-life situations such as setting the table, count- • cuts on a line with scissors ing the number of turns, and sorting out socks. • hand dominance is established • Help children understand and cope with strong feelings by giving • jumps over low objects them words to use when they are angry. “I can see you are sad angry Mental development about going home, at your friend ....” • Observe how your child plays with other children. Teach him or her • knows basic colors like red, to request, bargain, negotiate, and apologize. yellow, blue, green, orange • Specific praise helps your child understand the true value of his or • able to memorize address and her actions. Say “I like the way you stacked the toys neatly on the phone number shelf” rather than “You did a good job!” • understands that stories have a • Provide a comfortable place to be alone. A large cardboard box beginning, middle, and end makes a wonderful hideaway. • enjoys telling his or her own stories • understands that books are read from left to right, top to bottom • enjoys riddles and jokes • draws pictures that represent animals, people, and objects

PM 1530G Revised April 2001 Partners in Parenting 213 • enjoys tracing or copying letters • sorts objects by size • identifies some letters of the alphabet and a few numbers • understands more, less, Books for parents and same Caring for Your Baby and Young Child, Birth • counts up to 10 objects to Age 5, American Academy of Pediatrics, Steven P. Shevlov, ed. • understands before and after, Your Baby and Child: From Birth to Age Five, above and below Penelope Leach • is project minded—plans buildings, play scenarios, and drawings Books for children • interested in cause and effect Ira Sleeps Over, Bernard Waber Little Bear, Else Holmelund Minarik Whistle for Willie, Ezra Jack Keats Social and emotional Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, development Judith Viorst • invents games with simple rules Are You My Mother?, Philip D. Eastman Harry and the Terrible Whatzit, Dick Gackenbach • organizes other children and toys for pretend play • still confuses fantasy with Toys reality sometimes • board games, card games, domi- • puppets; doll, clothes, • can take turns and share but noes, puzzles (12 -15 pieces) dollhouse; dress-up clothes doesn’t always want to • blocks (plastic or wooden); play • trucks, cars, large cardboard • often excludes other children in dough boxes (large appliance size) play — best friends only • glue, scissors, paper, washable • child-size tools; camping equipment • uses swear words or “bathroom markers, crayons, water colors words” to get attention • can be very bossy sometimes A word on development • likes to try new things and take Your child is unique. His or her learning and growth rates differ from risks other children the same age. If, however, your child is unable to do • likes to make own decisions many of the skills listed for this age group, you may wish to talk to an • notices when another child is early childhood specialist. You are the best person to notice develop- angry or sad—more sensitive to mental problems, if any, because of the time you spend with your feelings of others child. If your child has special needs, early help can make a difference. • likes to feel grown up; boasts about self to younger less If you have questions about your child’s development or want to have capable children your child assessed, contact: • has a very basic understanding • Your pediatrician or health care professional of right and wrong • Area Education Agency—Early Childhood Special Education Department • understands and respects rules—often asks permission • Iowa Compass 1-800-779-2001 • understands and enjoys both Contact your county Extension office to obtain other publications giving and receiving about children, parenting, and family life. Also visit the ISU Exten- • enjoys collecting things sion Web site at http://www.extension.iastate.edu/Pages/pubs/. • sometimes needs to get away and be alone The developmental information provided in this bulletin has been compiled from a variety of professional resources to help you understand your child’s overall growth. It is not a standardized measurement tool.

File: Family life 8 . . . and justice for all USDA, Office of Civil Rights, Room 326-W, Whitten The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) prohibits Building, 14th and Independence Avenue, SW, Washington, discrimination in all its programs and activities on the basis DC 20250-9410 or call 202-720-5964. Issued in furtherance of race, color, national origin, gender, religion, age, disability, of Cooperative Extension work, Acts of May 8 and June 30, Written by Lesia Oesterreich, extension political beliefs, sexual orientation, and marital or family 1914, in cooperation with the U.S. Department of family life specialist. Edited by Muktha Jost. status. (Not all prohibited bases apply to all programs.) Agriculture. Stanley R. Johnson, director, Cooperative Many materials can be made available in alternative formats Extension Service, Iowa State University of Science and Graphic design by Valerie Dittmer King. for ADA clients. To file a complaint of discrimination, write Technology, Ames, Iowa. 214 A TCU/DATAR Manual 6-8 Years

Your school-ager is now ready for a steady pace of growing and learning, one in which real life tasks and activities overtake pretend and fantasy. Equipped with a longer attention span, your child also is ready to delve into projects, solve problems, and resolve arguments!

Physical development • skilled at using scissors and • Provide opportunities for active play. Throwing at targets, running, small tools jumping rope, tumbling, and aerobics may be of interest. • shows development of • Provide opportunities to develop an understanding of rules by permanent teeth playing simple table games: cards, dominoes, tic-tac-toe. • enjoys testing muscle strength • Provide opportunities for your child to do noncompetitive team and skills activities such as working a jigsaw puzzle or planting a garden. • has good sense of balance • Encourage your child’s sense of accomplishment by providing • can tie shoelaces opportunities to build models, cook, make crafts, practice music, or • enjoys copying designs and work with wood. shapes, letters and numbers • Encourage collections by allowing your child to make special stor- • may have gawky awkward age boxes or books. appearance from long arms and • Encourage reading and writing by encouraging your child to pro- legs duce stories with scripts, create music for plays and puppet shows, produce a newspaper, record events, go on field trips, or conduct Mental development experiments. • Help your child explore the world by taking field trips to museums, • may reverse printed letters (b/d) work places, and other neighborhoods. • enjoys planning and building • doubles speaking and listening vocabularies Social and emotional development • may show a stronger interest in • being with friends becomes • wants to play more with similar reading increasingly important friends—girls with girls, boys • increases problem-solving ability • shows interest in rules and with boys • has longer attention span rituals • may have a “best” friend and “enemy” • enjoys creating elaborate collections • shows ability to learn difference between left and right • can begin to understand time and the days of the week

PM 1530H Revised May 2001 Partners in Parenting 215 • shows strong desire to perform well, do things right • begins to see things from another child’s point of view, but Books for parents still very self-centered Parent’s Guide for the Best Books for Chil- • finds criticism or failure difficult dren, Eden Ross Lipson to handle How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, Adele Faber and Elizabeth • views things as black and white, Mazlish right or wrong, wonderful or Caring for Your School-age Child: Ages 5 to 12, American Academy of Pediatrics terrible, with very little middle ground Books for children • seeks a sense of security in A Chair for My Mother, Vera Williams groups, organized play, and Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No good, Very Bad Day, Judith Viorst clubs Anna Banana and Me, Lenore Blegvard • generally enjoys caring for and Everybody Needs A Rock, Byrd Baylor playing with younger children The Garden of Abdul Gasazi, Chris Van Allsburg The Kid Next Door and Other Headaches: Stories About Adam Joshua, • may become upset when behav- Janice Lee Smith ior or schoolwork is ignored Little House in the Big Woods, Laura Ingalls Wilder Ramona, Beverly Cleary

Toy list A word on development • arts and crafts materials Your child is unique. Each child’s learning and growth rates differ from • musical instruments other children the same age. • sports equipment If, however, your child is unable to do many of the skills listed for his or her age group, you may wish to talk to an early childhood specialist. • camping equipment You are the best person to notice developmental problems, if any, • construction sets because of the time you spend with your child. If your child has special needs, early help can make a difference. • electric trains If you have questions about your child’s development or want to have • bicycles (use helmets) your child tested, contact: • models • Your pediatrician or health care professional • The local health department • board games • Area Education Agency - Early Childhood Special Education Consultant • skateboard (use helmets) • Iowa COMPASS 1-800-779-2001, TTY: 1-877-686-0032 Contact your county extension office to obtain other publications about children, parenting and family life. The developmental information provided in this bulletin has been combined from a variety of professional resources to help you understand your child’s overall growth. It is not a standardized measurement tool.

. . . and justice for all Civil Rights, Room 326-W, Whitten Building, 14th and The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) prohibits Independence Avenue, SW, Washington, DC 20250-9410 or discrimination in all its programs and activities on the basis of call 202-720-5964. race, color, national origin, gender, religion, age, disability, Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension work, Acts of Written by Lesia Oesterreich, ISU political beliefs, sexual orientation, and marital or family status. May 8 and June 30, 1914, in cooperation with the U.S. Extension human development specialist. (Not all prohibited bases apply to all programs.) Many materials Department of Agriculture. Stanley R. Johnson, director, can be made available in alternative formats for ADA clients. Cooperative Extension Service, Iowa State University of Graphic design by Valerie Dittmer King. To file a complaint of discrimination, write USDA, Office of Science and Technology, Ames, Iowa. 216 A TCU/DATAR Manual 9-11 Years

Friendships and accomplishments are important to older children. Secret codes, made-up languages, and pass- words are used to strengthen the bonds of friendship. Be prepared to use all your “patience” skills as your child may tend to think that he or she does not need adult care or supervision.

Physical development Girls: • are generally as much as 2 years ahead of boys in • Provide opportunities for older school-agers to help out with physical maturity real skills. Cooking, sewing, and designing dramatic play • may begin to menstruate props are useful ways to use their skills. Boys and girls: • Provide time and space for an older child to be alone. Time to • have increased body strength and hand dexterity read, daydream, or do school work uninterrupted will be • show improved coordination appreciated. and reaction time • Encourage your child to make a call to a school friend. • may begin to grow rapidly at the end of this age period • Encourage your child to participate in an organized club or youth group. Many groups encourage skill development with Mental development projects or activities than can be worked on in the home. • shows interest in reading • Encourage your older child to help with a younger one but fictional stories, magazines, and how-to project books avoid burdening older children with too many adult responsi- • may develop special interest bilities. Allow time for play and relaxation. in collection or hobbies • Provide opportunities for older children to play games of • fantasizes and daydreams about the future strategy. Checkers, chess, and monopoly are favorites. • enjoys planning and organiz- • Remember to provide plenty of food. Older children have larger ing tasks appetites than younger children and will need to eat more. • becomes more product and goal oriented • has great ideas and inten- tions, but difficulty following through • enjoys games with more complex rules

PM 1530i Revised May 2001 Partners in Parenting 217 Social and emotional development • begins to see that parents and authority figures can Books for parents make mistakes and are not Parent’s Guide for the Best Books for always right Children, Eden Ross Lipson • often likes rituals, rules, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and secret codes, and made-up Listen So Kids Will Talk, Adele Faber languages and Elizabeth Mazlish • enjoys being a member of a Caring for Your School-age Child: Ages 5 club to 12, American Academy of Pediatrics • has increased interest in competitive sports Books for children • has better control of anger Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret, • may belittle or defy adult Judy Blume authority Chocolate Fever, Robert Kimmel Smith • shows interest in opposite How It Feels to Be Adopted, Jill Krementz sex by teasing, joking, showing off How To Eat Fried Worms, Thomas Rockwell The Indian in the Cupboard, Lynn Banks • prefers spending more time with friends than with par- Nothing’s Fair in Fifth Grade, Barthe DeClements ents The Oxford Book of Poetry for Children, compiled by Edward • may sometimes be verbally Blishen cruel to classmates with Ramona’s World, Beverly Cleary harsh “put downs” and snide Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing, Judy Blume remarks • tends to see things as right or wrong, with no room for difference of opinion A word on development Your child is unique. Each child’s learning and growth rates Toys and hobbies differ from other children the same age. • arts and crafts materials If, however, your child is unable to do many of the skills listed • musical instruments for his or her age group, you may wish to talk to an early child- • sports equipment hood specialist. You are the best person to notice developmental problems, if any, because of the time you spend with your child. If • camping equipment your child has special needs, early help can make a difference. • construction sets If you have questions about your child’s development or want to • electric trains have your child tested, contact: • bicycles (26-inch wheels for • Your pediatrician or health care professional kids 10 and older; use hel- • The local health department mets) • Area Education Agency - Early Childhood Special Education • models Consultant • board games • Compass 1-800-779-2001. • skates Contact your county extension office to obtain other publications about children, parenting and family life. The developmental information provided in this bulletin has been combined from a variety of professional resources to help you understand your child’s overall growth. It is not a standardized measurement tool. File: Family Life 8 . . . and justice for all Civil Rights, Room 326-W, Whitten Building, 14th and The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) prohibits Independence Avenue, SW, Washington, DC 20250-9410 Written by Lesia Oesterreich, extension discrimination in all its programs and activities on the basis of or call 202-720-5964. Issued in furtherance of Cooperative race, color, national origin, gender, religion, age, disability, Extension work, Acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, in human development specialist. Edited by political beliefs, sexual orientation, and marital or family status. cooperation with the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Muktha Jost. Graphic design by Valerie (Not all prohibited bases apply to all programs.) Many materials Stanley R. Johnson, director, Cooperative Extension can be made available in alternative formats for ADA clients. Service, Iowa State University of Science and Technology, Dittmer King To file a complaint of discrimination, write USDA, Office of Ames, Iowa. 218 A TCU/DATAR Manual parentingpreteen and early teen Preteen, Young Teen Development

Parents often have concerns as When your little girl begins to grow up their children approach the teen (OR I can’t believe how tall she’s getting) years, and this time can be uncomfortable for their children, too. Of John and Linda wonder what’s going on with 12- course, young people vary greatly year-old Lisa. Always an easy child, Lisa usually in when and how quickly they gets along well with her parents. Sometimes she experience the changes of growing had problems, like fighting with her younger brother, but usually up. However, your preteen likely things have gone smoothly with Lisa. Almost overnight, she has has begun the transition to the teen become argumentative and gets irritated or angry at the drop of a years, and will continue to show hat. She spends hours in her room with the door shut or talks on the changes in his or her body, thinking, telephone with her friends. What happened to the happy-go-lucky emotions and relations with you child Bill and Linda once knew? Is her behavior normal? and others. This publication will discuss typical changes, as well as individual differences. feel extremely self-conscious—as if the same kinds of feelings that pre- Physical changes everyone is watching them. Whether and young teens do, the feelings Both parents and young people the changes occur early, late or at may be more intense and young themselves notice physical the same time as most youngsters, people typically give in to impulses changes during the pre- and early many young people feel they don’t more than do adults. teen years. Physical growth that look right. Girls may have concerns occurs during this time is more about menstruation and boys may It helps for parents to understand rapid than at any time since in- need help understanding that “wet that their pre- and young teen may fancy. Besides growing bigger and dreams” are normal. be just as uncomfortable with their taller, the maturing child begins to intense feelings as are their parents. develop bodily characteristics that It helps for parents to take their distinguish the male and female children’s feelings seriously while, Changes in thinking adult. For example, the beginning also letting them know these At the same time that bodies and of breast development in girls may changes are normal. It’s important emotions are changing, the start as early as 9 years and as late for parents to talk with both boys youngster’s ability to think in the 3 as 13. By age 12 ⁄4, half of the girls and girls about physical changes abstract increases. Beginning at have begun menstruation. In boys, before they begin to experience age 11 or 12, youngsters are able enlargement of the testes is the first them. to analyze situations and use sign of puberty and begins from reason. They are able to think in 1 1 about 9 ⁄2 to 13 ⁄2. These changes in Emotional changes terms of possibility rather than sexual development usually The same hormones that cause merely concrete reality. This means happen before rapid increase in physical growth and maturation that adolescents are able to height. This sexual maturation also also help create changes in emo- fantasize, speculate, and think more is related to skin changes, which tions and in relationships with like an adult than younger children. can cause embarassment for others. Emotional swings can be teens, too. confusing to both parents and their These abilities can create problems growing children: the young people in the relationship between pre- Many pre- and early teens have may feel wonderful one minute and adolescents and their parents. diffuculty adjusting to these physi- irritable, angry or sad the next Now, more than ever, youth are apt cal changes. They may begin to minute. Although adults experience to question their parents’ rules and

Pm-1547e | December 1993

Partners in Parenting 219 values. Young people often are It is important to let your child know adulthood. Research shows that quick to feel that something is that you still want and expect him or young people typically return to the “unfair.” As a parent, you may find her to spend time with the family. At values of their families in young yourself wondering what happened the same time, help your child know adulthood. to your happy-go-lucky child, who growing independence is important. pretty much went along with things It may be helpful to set aside Parenting tips and got along well with you. certain times each week for family The following ideas may help make activities. your child’s transition to the teen Social changes years easier for both of you. ■ Importance of friends. There is ■ Loss of self-confidence. Some a gradual shift during elementary parents are surprised to find that it’s ■ Understand that most changes school toward greater reliance and common for pre- or young teens to you see in your child are normal. importance of same-age friends. lose self-confidence. Their young- ■ Listen to your child and take his Most children by fourth or fifth ster may appear self-assured or or her feelings seriously. grade enjoy spending much of their even cocky, but beneath the ■ When problems arise, work free time with friends. Friends surface he or she probably feels together for solutions. become even more important less confident. In addition to feeling ■ Talk to parents of older children during the pre- and early teen physically awkward, youth compare to get a sense of perspective. years. Parents may worry about themselves to some image of what ■ Schedule time for family fun. peer pressure when, in fact, peers they should look like and they often ■ Realize that your child’s growing can provide a positive as well as have new concerns about getting signs of independence are normal negative influence. Good friends along with peers. Youth, as well as and healthy. with similar values can help your their parents, often worry about child gain confidence to meet the these years: “Will I have enough Once you realize that changing changes and adjustments of this friends?” “Will I make the team?” bodies, emotions and new ways of phase. Youth at this age typically “Will my body look the way it’s thinking and reasoning are normal enjoy hanging around with “the supposed to?” for pre- and young adolescents, gang” or having “secret clubs” with you can relax and worry less about no adults around. They may enjoy Individual differences how your child is “turning out.” It keeping secrets from parents. This Physical, emotional, cognitive helps to realize that one job for is normal unless there are signs of (thinking) and social changes are preteens and early teens is to test dangerous behavior (See Pm- typical for pre- and young teens. the rules, to challenge authority, 1547h, another publication in this However, no two young people will and to begin to think for them- Parenting series). experience these changes in selves. It’s just as normal for pre- exactly the same way. Some start and early teens to want to think for Some parents express sadness the transition as early as 9 while themselves and to do more with that children at this age spend less others may be 13 or older before friends as it is for toddlers to be time with the family. While the the changes begin. Also, the child’s curious. The job of parents is to family continues to be extremely personality and past behavior must have firm expectations and con- important , preteens and teens do be considered. A child who has tinue to show love and respect for spend more time with their friends. always had difficulty with change, their preteen, even when their Some youngsters in middle school or who has had intense feelings as preteen challenges their authority, and junior high actually seem to be a young child, may have more tests the rules and, at times, puts embarassed to be seen with difficulty with the preteen stage. down their parents. This is no easy parents. Parents may feel hurt task! Reading, going to parenting when their child expresses this It helps to realize that about 80 workshops, and talking to other feeling but it is usually a normal percent of teens never present parents can make the job easier sign of independence. When the serious problems to their families or and more fun. young person feels more confi- get into real trouble. Parents need dence with friends, the feeling often to know that their influence remains goes away. strong into the teen years and

For further reading, get copies of Written by Virginia K. Molgaard, ISU Extension family life specialist, and edited by publications in the Living with your Laura Miller, extension communications. Prepared as part of PROJECT FAMILY Teenager series, Pm-944a-d, available at the Social and Behavioral Research Center for Rural Health, Ames, Iowa. at any ISU Extension office.

Cooperative Extension Service, Iowa State University of Science and . . . and justice for all Technology, and the United States Department of Agriculture cooperat- Iowa State University Extension programs and policies are consistent ing. Robert M. Anderson, Jr., director, Ames, Iowa. Distributed in with pertinent federal and state laws and regulations on nondiscrimina- furtherance of the Acts of Congress of May 8 and June 30, 1914. tion regarding race, color, national origin, religion, sex, age, and disability.

220 A TCU/DATAR Manual Toys

Fond memories of childhood sight, sound, smell, texture, and usually bring to mind a favorite taste of things. Objects or toys toy. A cuddly doll, colorful that can be squeezed, dropped, crayons, or a special wagon are all poked, twisted, or thrown are childhood favorites. sure to cause delight. Toddlers Toys bring a great deal of joy to also enjoy any item that can be children, but they also can be stacked, poured, opened, closed, valuable learning tools. Explor- pushed, or pulled. ing, pretending, and sharing are just a few of the important skills ■ Preschoolers children develop when they play. Preschool children learn by Toys don't have to be expen- doing. They are busy developing sive. After all, cardboard boxes in new skills. They like drawing, the backyard and measuring cups painting, and building. They also in the bathtub are favorite stan- spend a great deal of time pre- dards. But parents who do wish tending. Dress-up clothes, pre- to purchase toys may find it tend “props,” and puppets are big helpful to know what toys to favorites. choose and which to avoid for Preschoolers are energetic and children of different ages. active. They need large balls to roll and throw, ■ Infants and wagons to pull, and toddlers tricycles to ride. (continued on p.4) Infants and toddlers learn about the world through their senses. They are interested in the

Pm-1529m | Reprinted | June 1997

Partners in Parenting 221 Toys to choose Toys to avoid AgeAge Toys to choose Toys to avoid Newborn to •␣ brightly • toys with 2 to 3 years • play dough • toys with colored objects parts smaller • large crayons sharp edges 1 year 1 • pictures than 1 /4 inch • toys with (about the • peg boards within view with large small remov- but out of size of a half able parts dollar) pieces reach • small objects • toys with • low rocking • mobiles that horses such as beads, have objects sharp edges coins, or attached with • toys with • sandbox toys marbles cords less than detachable • soft balls of • electrical toys 12 inches long small parts different sizes • lead soldiers • unbreakable • toys with • cars or wag- toys that rattle toxic paint ons to push • tricycles with or squeak seats more • toys with • simple musical than 12 • washable dolls cords more instruments inches high or animals than 12 • simple dress- • riding toys with embroi- inches long up items like dered eyes • stuffed ani- hats, scarves, • stacking ring mals with shoes cones glass or • sturdy riding • tapes or button eyes toys records with • balloons • books that gentle music rhyme 1 to 2 years • push and pull • small toys 3 to 4 years • dolls with • electrical toys toys that can be simple clothes • lead soldiers • books with swallowed • balls, any sizes • flammable cloth or stiff • toys with • nonelectrical pasteboard small remov- trucks, trains costumes pages able parts • building • toys with • nonglass • stuffed ani- blocks sharp edges mirrors mals with or small, glass or • toy telephone • take-apart removable toys with button eyes • dress-up parts large pieces • toys with clothes • blocks—foam, sharp edges • sturdy tea sets • riding toys plastic, or • plastic inter- used in hilly cardboard locking blocks or inclined • nested boxes • blunt scissors driveways or cups • play dough • musical and • washable chime toys markers, large • floating tub crayons toys • sewing cards • pounding and • simple board stacking toys games • books

222 A TCU/DATAR Manual Toys to choose Toys to avoidAgeAge Toys to choose Toys to avoid 4 to 5 years• building • toxic or oil- 6 to 8 years • construction • kites made of blocks based paint sets aluminized • simple con- sets • sled, roller polyester film struction sets • flammable skates (this material costumes or conducts • modeling clay • sewing electricity) ones that can materials • nonelectrical be easily • shooting toys, trains, battery tripped over • simple camera and toys with operated toys • kites made of • printing and loud noises • puppets and aluminized stamp sets like cap guns puppet theater polyester film • paints, colored • fireworks of • finger paint (this material pencils any kind • stencils conducts • sketch pads • sharp-edged electricity) • board and • kites tools • electrical toys card games • battery •␣ electrical toys (unless bat- • simple musical powered run on house- tery operated) instruments electrical toys hold current • shooting toys • small sports (Underwriters • bikes or and darts with equipment Laboratory skateboards pointed tips approved) ridden with- • bicycles with • fireworks of out helmets 20- inch wheels • jigsaw puzzles any kind and training • dominoes • lawn darts wheels (all • board games should wear bike helmets) • simple tool sets • books • dolls

8 to 12 years • hobby materi- • fireworks of als any kind • arts and crafts • air rifles, materials chemistry • musical sets, darts, instruments skateboards, and arrows • sports equip- (unless used ment with parental • camping supervision) equipment • construction sets • electric trains • bicycles (26- inch wheels for kids ten and older)

Partners in Parenting 223 ■ School-age dominoes teach math concepts helmets. Studies show that and problem-solving skills. helmets can reduce severe Children injuries from a fall. School-age children feel more Think toy safety • Check all toys periodically for grown-up and love activities that More than 120,000 children are breakage and potential haz- lead to “real products” such as taken to hospital emergency ards. Damaged toys can be jewelry, “designer” T-shirts, or rooms each year for treatment of dangerous and should be stamp collections. They also toy-related injuries. Evaluate toys repaired or thrown away develop a keen interest in sports for your children from the stand- immediately. and enjoy having adult-like point of safety. The following are physical equipment such as soft- • Store toys safely. Teach chil- some guidelines. ball gloves, tennis rackets, or skates. dren to put toys away so they • Choose toys appropriate to the They have a better understanding are not tripping hazards. child’s age. Some toys intended of rules and enjoy playing with Periodically check toy boxes for children more than 3 years others. Board games, cards, or and shelves for safety. old may contain small parts, which could present a choking Store toys safely hazard for infants and toddlers. Toy safety involves choosing Toddlers should never play the right toy, checking it regularly with anything that is smaller for damage, and storing it safely. than a half dollar. One of the greatest dangers in toy • Think BIG when selecting toys, storage is the toy chest with a especially for children under free-falling lid. Children are age three. Big toys without injured when the lid falls on their small parts can be enjoyed by head, neck, or arms. Upright lids youngsters of different ages. in trunks and footlockers pose Keep toys intended for older this kind of hazard. children, such as games with Open chests or bins, chests small pieces, marbles, or small with lightweight removable lids, balls, away from younger children. or chests with sliding doors or • Keep uninflated balloons out of panels do not present the hazard reach for children under age 6, of a falling lid. and discard pieces of broken Low, open shelves where toys balloons because of the choking can be reached easily and put hazard. away are a safer alternative and are often preferred by children. • Explain and show your Small items such as building child the proper use of safety blocks or puzzle pieces can be equipment such as bicycle stored in plastic tubs or boxes.

File: Family Life 8 . . . and justice for all The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) prohibits Civil Rights, Room 326-W, Whitten Building, 14th and Written by Lesia Oesterreich, exten- discrimination in all its programs and activities on the Independence Avenue, SW, Washington, DC 20250- basis of race, color, national origin, gender, religion, 9410 or call 202-720-5964. Issued in furtherance of sion family life specialist. Edited by age, disability, political beliefs, sexual orientation, and Cooperative Extension work, Acts of May 8 and June Muktha Jost. Illustration by Lonna marital or family status. (Not all prohibited bases 30, 1914, in cooperation with the U.S. Department of apply to all programs.) Many materials can be made Agriculture. Stanley R. Johnson, director, Cooperative Nachtigal. Graphic design by Valerie available in alternative formats for ADA clients. To file Extension Service, Iowa State University of Science Dittmer King. a complaint of discrimination, write USDA, Office of and Technology, Ames, Iowa.

224 A TCU/DATAR Manual Sibling Rivalry

You have a headache and the dog ■ Let siblings express Jennifer has two sons, Jimmy, 5, and is barking. You cannot get the sales Danny, 4, who had trouble getting person off the phone and you can their feelings about along since they were very little. see the long list of chores posted on each other Playing together often ends in grabbing the refrigerator door. On top of When children complain about toys, calling each other names, and everything else, your kids are each other, parents often try to talk complaints to Jennifer. At an evening fighting like crazy with everything them out of their feelings. (“You class on parenting, Jennifer heard that they’ve got— biting, scratching, and shouldn’t be mad at your sister,” or kids fight less when the parent describes throwing toys. “Stop complaining. He’s the only what the kids might be feeling. It seemed brother you have.”) too good to be true, but Jennifer decided ■ Fighting among Instead, acknowledge their anger to give it a try. The next time Danny young children or frustration. Let your children came to complain about Jimmy, Jennifer know that you understand their said, “Sounds like you’re Constant fighting, put downs, anger. That can help them feel better feeling pretty mad and arguing among children cause and even treat another child better. at Jimmy.” To her frustration and concern in most Use this as a tool to lessen sibling amazement, parents. Although sibling rivalry rivalry in several ways. Identify the can have several reasons, brothers angry child’s feelings with words, and sisters often fight to get the (“You sound furious! You wish he’d attention of parents or to show power ask before using your things.”) and or superiority over another child. suggest symbolic or creative activity Some bickering is normal among (“Would you like to draw a picture brothers and sisters. Constant of how mad you feel?”). arguing, fighting, and creating You may be surprised at how potentially dangerous situations, quickly the anger disappears when however, are not normal. The you let your children know that following are some ideas to help reduce your frustration over quar- you’re aware of, and understand relsome siblings and lessen the their frustration. fighting too.

PM 1529i Reprinted November 1998 Partners in Parenting 225 Danny looked puzzled for a minute and jacket belongs in the closet.” instead Sherry then made a commitment to then said, “Yeah, I am mad at him.” She of “Why can’t you hang up your stop comparing Mark to Julie. The next then heard Danny go to another room clothes like your brother?”) day when she saw Julie hanging up her and play by himself. Also, avoid praising one child at jacket and Mark dropping his on the the other's expense. (“You’re sure floor, she resisted the urge to compare ■ Don’t compare better at picking up your toys than the children and said to Mark, “I see a your children your brother.”) The child you're coat on the floor that needs hanging up.” praising may feel sorry for the It’s natural for parents to notice sibling you are criticizing or the ■ Treat children that one child is more cooperative or child may feel superior and look better behaved in some ways than individually, not down on the other child. another child in the same family. Sherry and John have 3 children — equally Comparing siblings, however, does Mark, 6, Julie, 4, and Todd, 1. Sherry, Parents sometimes believe that not encourage better behavior, but in her concern for Julie as “the middle the best way to avoid arguments intensifies jealousy and envy. It also child,” got in the habit of pointing out and unhappiness among their is likely that the child you compare Julie’s good behavior to Mark. For children is to give equally to each unfavorably may want to get even instance, she would say, “Mark, look how child. New clothing for a child often with the child you praise. Julie is cleaning up her plate. See if you is matched with something new for Instead of comparing one child can finish your dinner, too.” One day the siblings too. Spending time with unfavorably to another, comment when Sherry asked the kids to pick up one child often means trying to only on the behavior that displeases toys, she heard Mark say to Julie, “I’m spend an equal amount of time with you. (“I see a brand new jacket on not going to pick up anything. You’re the other. the floor. That bothers me. This the one who does everything right.” This practice of attempting to give equally to all the children only encourages comparisons by the children who often feel cheated. No matter how hard you try to make things the same—portions of favorite food, time spent, or gifts given— children are bound to find some way that you’re not being fair. Children feel special and valued when you give to each according to individual need. Instead of telling children that you love them equally, privately point out their special qualities that have nothing to do with others in the family. (“I love spending time with you” or “You’re the only one like you in the whole world and I love you.”)

226 A TCU/DATAR Manual ■ Don’t take sides separating the children without assigning between the girls. Bob had grown up blame, Larry and Sue noticed that Lisa getting along well with his older brother Resist the urge to figure out who and the baby were getting along better. and Ellen was an only child. It was hard started the fight. Parents often for them to accept their daughters’ believe that the older or stronger ■ competitiveness and constant fighting. child started the fight and should be Let children work it The fighting was so upsetting to Ellen punished. Often it’s nearly impossible out for themselves that she would try to settle the argu- to tell who started the fighting. Even Your children may still argue or ments the minute they started. very young children can start a fight bicker. The more you can stay out of After reading an article in the when you’re not looking, in the hope their minor fighting, the sooner they newspaper on sibling rivalry, Bob that you will punish the older child. will learn to settle their differences suggested to Ellen that they try letting Even if you are sure who started themselves. Remember the three B’s. the girls work out their problems the fight, taking sides only makes 1. Bear it. Ignore the fighting as themselves. Since both Bob and Ellen things worse. The “victim” may feel long as you can. Turn on some worked outside the home, the problem pleased to have you on his or her music and pretend you’re not was in the evenings and on weekends. side, but the one who is blamed even aware of the bickering. They decided to ignore the fighting as probably will want to get even with long as they could. When Ellen wanted the other child. Avoid frequent 2. Beat it. When you can’t ignore it to settle an argument, she was to get blaming of one child for starting any longer, go to another room Bob and do something around the house fights as it may make the child feel where you can’t hear it as well. with him to distract herself. like a “bad apple” who cannot get Your children may get the message Bob sat down with the girls and along. Even if punishing the one that you’re not going to settle explained the new plan. He said, “Mom who started the fight may stop the things for them. Some parents try and I have decided that you two are old behavior temporarily, it may lead to the “bathroom retreat” in which enough to settle your own arguments. resentment or poor self-esteem in they lock themselves in the When you have a problem, we’re going the long run. bathroom with some reading to leave it up to you to come up with a Instead of taking sides, comment material for a short time while the solution. Mom and I are going to stay on the behavior you can observe. (“I fighting continues. Obviously, out of it.” Things seemed to get worse see two kids fighting” instead of this option does not work when for a few days, but after a while Bob and “Bobby, leave her alone.”) you are concerned for the safety Ellen noticed that the fighting was Larry and Sue were concerned about of an infant or when children are happening less often. the possibility of 3-year-old Lisa injur- out of control. ing the baby, who was 1 1/ . If the 3. Boot ‘em out! Ask the children to 2 ■ children were in the same room and the take their fighting somewhere Step in when baby started crying, Larry assumed that else. (“If you two kids need to children cannot Lisa was picking on him and usually fight, please do it outside where I work it out sent her to her room. don’t have to hear it.”) When Step in during fighting between When the situation grew worse, children know you’re not going to brothers and sisters in the following Larry talked to his sister. She thought take sides, the fighting often situations: that Larry might be making things settles down quickly. worse by punishing Lisa. She suggested Remember, these ideas only are • when the same fights happen separating the children when the baby appropriate when the fighting is over and over with no resolution, cried without scolding or punishing minor and does not appear to be • when the fighting is serious and Lisa. Next time the baby cried when dangerous. may be dangerous. Lisa was near him, Larry simply moved Bob and Ellen loved being parents to If the children fight over the same the baby to a different spot and said their two daughters, aged 5 and 6, issues day in and day out even after nothing to Lisa. After a few weeks of except for one thing—the fighting you have given opportunities for

Partners in Parenting 227 them to work it out, you may need At times, fighting that starts as a ■ Give yourself time to teach conflict resolution skills. Do play fight turns into a serious fight. The stories at the end of each this when everyone has calmed Let children know that it’s only a section make it sound as if the down and avoid taking sides. play fight when both children agree fighting can stop like magic if only For example, teach children how that it’s in fun. When one child is not you do the right thing. Realistically, to use a timer to take turns with a having fun, the fighting must stop. it takes time and persistence for you plaything. Teach social skills by Laura was worried about the fighting to learn new ways of treating your showing them how to ask someone between her two sons, aged 6 and 4. The children, and for them to learn new nicely rather than grabbing or fighting got worse after the divorce and ways of getting along. Don’t give yelling. Also, ask both children in had Laura concerned about Joey injur- up. It may even seem like it’s getting the situation for their ideas on how ing his younger brother, John. One day worse before it gets better. to solve the problem between them. she heard John cry out and saw Joey Learn to let your children express Even children as young as 4 or 5 can clutching a pair of sharp scissors, ready their feelings, avoid comparing come up with useful ideas. to use it like a dagger on John. She them, and treat each child as an grabbed the scissors and spanked John, individual. Their relationships are ■ but she knew that it would happen Stop dangerous bound to improve. It is possible for again unless she figured out a better fighting you to remain neutral and yet teach way to handle it. When sibling rivalry turns into your children to stop fighting and That night, Laura called her friend, real fighting in which one or both handle differences. Remember that Jeanne, who had three sons of her own, children may be injured, parents when you help your children get and asked for her advice. Jeanne had must step in. A parent’s job is to along better, you are preparing seen Laura’s boys in dangerous situa- protect children from fighting that them for important relationships in tions before and she gave Laura this could lead to physical or emotional the future with co-workers, spouses, advice. “You’ve got to do something to damage. The following steps can and even their own children. keep your boys safe, Laura. Spanking help you deal with problem situa- and yelling doesn’t seem to help. What tions without choosing sides. ■ References: worked with my boys was to separate 1. Describe the situation you see. (“I them without scolding anyone when the Positive Discipline, Jane Nelsen, see two sisters who are getting fighting got bad. Then, when they had Prima Publishing, 1989. ready to hurt each other.”) calmed down, I would talk to them and Perilous Rivalry: When Siblings 2. Separate the children. (“This let them come up with ideas of how to Become Abusive, Vernon Wiehe, looks dangerous. Sally, you go to solve the problem that had led to the McMillan, 1991. the front yard and Janey, you go fighting.” Siblings Without Rivalry, Adele to the back.”) Next day, when Joey was holding Faber & Elaine Mazlish, W.W. 3. Wait for a cooling down period. John down and pinching him, Laura Norton, 1987. said, “I see somebody getting hurt. 4. Listen to each child’s point of John, you go to the TV room and Joey, view and acknowledge feelings. you play in the kitchen.” She knew the Written by Virginia Molgaard, Ph.D., extension human development specialist. Illustrated by 5. Work out a possible solution problem wasn’t over, but at least she Lonna Nachtigal. Graphic design by Valerie together for dealing with the had prevented injury and hadn’t made Dittmer King. problem in the future. Joey feel like getting even with John File: Family life 8 later on.

. . . and justice for all to all programs.) Many materials can be made available Cooperative Extension work, Acts of May 8 and June The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) prohibits in alternative formats for ADA clients. To file a 30, 1914, in cooperation with the U.S. Department of discrimination in all its programs and activities on the complaint of discrimination, write USDA, Office of Civil Agriculture. Stanley R. Johnson, director, Cooperative basis of race, color, national origin, gender, religion, Rights, Room 326-W, Whitten Building, 14th and Extension Service, Iowa State University of Science and age, disability, political beliefs, sexual orientation, and Independence Avenue, SW, Washington, DC 20250- Technology, Ames, Iowa. marital or family status. (Not all prohibited bases apply 9410 or call 202-720-5964. Issued in furtherance of 10/99 228 A TCU/DATAR Manual Language development

What could be more exciting Nurture your child’s Nurture your child’s than hearing your baby’s first language skills language skills word? As that first word grows • When babies babble, gurgle, and • Teach babies their names and into a sentence and later into coo, respond with the same names of familiar objects. conversation, you will be watch- sounds. ing a miracle—the miracle of • Talk to them about what you language development. • Talk with infants when you are doing: “Now I am getting As a parent, you are your feed, dress, or play with them. Sara’s socks.” child’s first teacher. When you • Sing songs. take time to listen, talk, read, sing, • Play soft music. and play games with your child, you help teach important lan- ■ Age 6 to 12 months guage skills that last a lifetime. Typical language skills ■ Age 0 to 6 months • Waves bye-bye. Typical language skills • Responds to name. • Cries in different ways to say, • Understands names of some “I’m hurt, wet, hungry, or familiar objects. lonely.” • Shows interest in picture books. • Makes noises to voice displea- • Pays attention to conversation. sure or satisfaction. • Says first word (maybe). • Babbles. • Babbles expressively as if • Recognizes and looks for talking. familiar voices and sounds. • Says “Da-da” and “Ma-ma” (maybe)

Pm-1529f Reprinted Jule 1998

Partners in Parenting 229 • Play peek-a-boo. • Speak clearly and simply; ■ Age 2 to 3 years • Hold babies in your lap and “baby talk” confuses children Typical language skills show them pictures in maga- who are learning to talk. • Identifies up to 10 pictures in a zines and books. ■ Age 18 months to book when objects are named. • Sing simple songs. 2 years • Uses simple phrases and sentences. ■ Age 12 to 18 months Typical language skills • Responds when called by name. Typical language skills • Says about 50 words, but can • Responds to simple directions. • Identifies family members and understand many more. • Starts to say plural and past familiar objects. • Echoes single words that are tense words. • Points to a few body parts such spoken by someone else. • Enjoys simple stories, rhymes, as nose, ears. • Talks to self and jabbers and songs. • Follows simple, one-step expressively. • Uses two- to three-word instructions. • Says names of toys and familiar • Says two or more words. objects. sentences. • Imitates familiar noises like • Uses two to three word sen- • Enjoys looking at books. cars, planes, birds. tences like “Daddy bye-bye,” • Points to eyes, ears, or nose “All gone.” when asked. • Repeats a few words. • Hums or tries to sing simple songs. • Repeats words spoken by • Looks at person talking. someone else. • Listens to short rhymes or • Says “Hi” or “Bye” if reminded. fingerplays. • Vocabulary expands up to • Uses expressions like “Oh-oh.” 500 words. • Points to eyes, ears, or nose • Asks for something by pointing when asked. Nurture your child’s or using one word. • Uses the words “Bye,” “Hi,” language skills • Identifies an object in a “Please,” and “Thank you” if • Play word games like “This Little picture book. prompted. Piggy” or “High as a House.” Nurture your child’s Nurture your child’s • Listen, talk, and read with your language skills language skills child every day. • Teach your child simple songs • Teach your child names of • Read at least one book to your and nursery rhymes. people, body parts, and objects. child every day. • Teach sounds that different • Encourage your child to repeat ■ Age 3 to 4 years things make. short sentences. Typical language skills • Read simple stories. • Give simple instructions. • Talks so 75 to 80 percent of • Make a scrapbook with bright (“Give the book to Jon.”) speech is understandable. pictures of familiar objects such • Read rhymes with interesting • Says own first and last name. as people, flowers, houses, and sounds, especially those accom- • Understands location words animals to “read.” panied by actions or pictures. like over, under, on, and in.

230 A TCU/DATAR Manual • Understands now, soon, and later. • Give children a few books of Nurture your child’s • Asks who, what, where, and their own and show them how language skills to take good care of them. why questions. • Visit the public library regularly. • Talks in complete sentences of ■ Age 4 to 5 years • Play games that encourage 3 to 5 words: “Mommy is drink- counting and color naming. ing juice.” “There’s a big dog.” Typical language skills • Encourage children to tell you • Stumbles over words some- • Recognizes some letters if taught stories. times—usually not a sign and may be able to print own • Help children create their own of stuttering. name. story books with magazine • Enjoys repeating words and • Recognizes familiar words in pictures or post cards. sounds over and over. simple books or signs (STOP • Read books with poems and • Listens attentively to short sign, fast food signs). songs. stories and books. • Speaks in fairly complex • Take turns telling jokes. • Likes familiar stories told sentences—“The baby ate the • Record your child telling a without any changes in words. cookie before I could put it on story or singing a song. • Enjoys listening to stories and the table.” repeating simple rhymes. • Enjoys singing simple songs, • Enjoys telling simple stories rhymes, and nonsense words. from pictures or books. • Adapts language to listener’s • Likes to sing and can carry a level of understanding. To simple tune. baby sister: “Daddy go bye-bye.” To mother: • Recognizes common everyday “Daddy went to the store.” sounds. • Learns name, address, and • Identifies common colors such phone number if taught. as red, blue, yellow, green. • Asks and answers who, what, Nurture your child’s why, where, and what if language skills questions. • Include your child in everyday • Names six to eight colors and conversation. Talk about what three shapes. you are going to do, ask ques- • Follows two unrelated tions, listen. directions. “Put your milk • Play simple games that teach on the table and get your concepts like over, under, on, coat on.” and in. • Likes to talk and carries on • Read books with poems, songs, elaborate conversations. and rhymes. • Likes to shock others by • Encourage your children to using “forbidden” words. repeat favorite stories. • Loves to tell jokes that may not make any sense to adults.

Partners in Parenting 231 ■ Age 5 to 6 You may not realize it but you If you would like to learn more Typical language skills probably know quite a few songs songs and fingerplays check with from your own childhood. Some your local library for children’s • Speaks with correct grammar familiar songs you might know are: records and audio-cassette tapes. and word form. • “Hokey Pokey” • Expresses self in pretend play. ■ Read more about it! • “Farmer in the Dell” • Writes first name, some letters, For more information about • “Mulberry Bush” and numbers. children and families, ask for the •␣ “Hush Little Baby” • Reads simple words. following publications from your • “Eensy, Weensy Spider” county extension office. Nurture your child’s Kindergarten Ahead, PM 784 (cost) • “If You’re Happy and You Understanding Children—Learning language skills Know It” to read and write, PM 1529e • Visit the public library regularly. • “Old MacDonald Had a Farm” Child’s Play - Fingerplays Plus, PM • Encourage pretend play. Help Children also delight in finger- 1770 (cost) children create props from old plays like “This little piggy” and Puppets for Kids, PM 1229 (cost) sheets, cardboard boxes, and “Eensy, weensy spider.” You also Making Toys that Teach, household items. Show chil- might like to try the following. NCR 187 (cost) dren how to label their cre- So Alive—Three to Five, ations with simple signs like Old Owl PM 1431 (cost) “Shoe Store” or “Tickets.” An owl sat alone on the branch of a • Encourage children to put on tree (use arm as a branch, raise ■ Books for Children simple plays and shows. thumb for owl) The Listening Walk, Paul Showers She was quiet as quiet as quiet • Let children help you sort The Snowman, Raymond Briggs could be coupons and cut ads out of the Baby’s Favorite Things, T'was night and her eyes were newspaper. Marsha Cohen wide open like this (circle eyes My First Look at Colors, • Ask your child to help you with fingers and look around) Stephen Oliver locate and find grocery items in She looked all around; not a thing Gobble, Growl, Grunt, Peter Spier the grocery store. did she miss. Push -Pull, Empty -Full, Tana • Check how many store signs Some little birds perched on the Hoban your child can identify when branch of the tree, (fingers of Are You My Mother? P. Eastman you are out running errands. other hand fly on tree) Rosie’s Walk, Pat Hutchins And sat there as quiet as quiet ■ Try fingerplays could be Caps for Sale, Esphyr Slobodkina The solemn old owl said and songs “Whoo-whooo-whooo,” (wave Can’t carry a tune? Don’t have Written by Lesia Oesterreich, extension hand away, fluttering fingers family life specialist. Graphic design by Valerie a piano? That’s not a problem with behind back) Dittmer King. Illustrations by Lonna Nachtigal. young children. Kids love to sing! And jumped at the birds and away File: Family life 8 they flew.

. . . and justice for all The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) materials can be made available in alternative Cooperative Extension work, Acts of May 8 and prohibits discrimination in all its programs and formats for ADA clients. To file a complaint of June 30, 1914, in cooperation with the U.S. activities on the basis of race, color, national origin, discrimination, write USDA, Office of Civil Rights, Department of Agriculture. Stanley R. Johnson, gender, religion, age, disability, political beliefs, Room 326-W, Whitten Building, 14th and Indepen- director, Cooperative Extension Service, Iowa State sexual orientation, and marital or family status. (Not dence Avenue, SW, Washington, DC 20250-9410 or University of Science and Technology, Ames, Iowa. all prohibited bases apply to all programs.) Many call 202-720-5964. Issued in furtherance of 10/99

232 A TCU/DATAR Manual Learning to read and write

Learning to read and write is books and learning. Parents also events. As children discover that an exciting adventure for a young might buy inexpensive cloth stories have a beginning, middle, child. This adventure can begin in books and allow children to play and an end, they learn to memo- infancy and last a lifetime. with old magazines. rize and retell stories with amaz- As children learn that books are ing accuracy! During this stage for reading — not chewing — and Stage two children become particularly that pictures and words are differ- Repetition and anticipation interested in details; if parents ent, they begin to lay the founda- As children grow older they tion for reading and writing. begin to copy their parents or ■ older siblings and “pretend to Reading read.” They may ask parents to read a story over, and over, and Stage one over! Although parents may tire Exploring of the same book, children Although parents do not enjoy the repetition as they always enjoy it, touching, tasting, anticipate the chain of events. and even occasional tearing are Repeatedly hearing the story favorite activities for infants and also helps children develop an toddlers as they first discover understanding of connected books. It is never too early to show books or read to your child. Read to infants and toddlers and provide opportunities for them to explore written material. Snuggling up in a comfortable lap while listening to a story sets the stage for a lifelong love of

PM-1529e | Reprinted | October 1997

Partners in Parenting 233 skip over a sentence or paragraph read. Following along with a finger • Get your child a library card in a book, children will protest helps children learn that words are and make regular visits to the quite loudly! placed in sentences from left to library. Take advantage of right and in a certain order. story times and special events Stage three sponsored by your library. Words as symbols for ideas Stage five • Read to infants and toddlers. During the third stage, children Focus on meaning They learn to associate reading begin to develop a basic under- In this final stage of develop- with the comfort and security standing that the pictures and ment, children begin to focus on of being held and with the won- words in their book have different the meaning of words. They may derful sound of a parent’s voice. purposes. Gradually, they under- stop the story repeatedly and ask • Preschoolers enjoy hearing the stand that written words are “What does this say?” They begin same story over and over symbols for ideas and thoughts. to recognize simple words from again. When reading books that their favorite books in other repeat phrases, such as The Stage four reading materials or places. The House that Jack Built, give young Identifying and word “STOP” on a corner stop children an opportunity to matching words sign can cause great excitement. participate by letting them read In the fourth stage children Reading, listening, and writing the repetitive parts with you. are important skills that parents begin to identify and match • Preschoolers love to “pretend” can foster early in a child’s life. words. Although they may not to read by telling a favorite The following are some sugges- really understand the meaning of story they have memorized. tions for parents to help their specific words or sentences, Increase your child’s involve- children in the fascinating world children often will run their ment by stopping occasionally of words. fingers along the sentence to ask questions or talk about or point to individual • Establish a regular time every what is waiting for them at the words as the book is day for reading. Reading a turn of a page. Questions help story gives children a sense children develop important of what reading and language skills. Try “How writing are all about. many pigs are there? Let’s count them together,” “Why is the puppy dog sad?” “Can you show me everything in this picture that is red?” “What do you think will happen next?” • Encourage older children to read aloud to younger siblings, or to read aloud a dramatic piece from a play or a poem. Most children love to put on a good performance.

234 A TCU/DATAR Manual • Help your child understand the • Provide alternative reading • Let your child play with an old structure of a book by making a materials such as TV schedules, typewriter (provide a supply of “Me” book using a photo album. old catalogs, and magazines. typing paper). Collect pictures of family mem- When traveling, read out loud • Write notes to your child about bers, friends, favorite animals, traffic signs, road signs, and chores and errands and don’t toys, etc. Albums with sturdy billboards. Check with your forget to include a thank you. pages are easy to keep clean local librarian for a list of Encourage them to write letters and allow you to change magazines written specifically and thank you notes to friends pictures easily. You also can for children. and family members. Take use snapshots, post cards, • Record a favorite book on tape dictation for a child who magazines, and catalog pictures. so that your child can read cannot write and read the letter • Explain the joy and importance along. Older children fre- back for for the child’s of reading regularly. Before quently enjoy taping books as a approval. children can become readers, gift for a younger child. • Let children write with they must learn why people • For more information, ask for colored chalk on a sidewalk or read and what people do when Ages and Stages, PM 1530a-g, at basement floor. they read. your county extension office. • Give gifts of pens, pencils, • Invite your children to help ■ stationery, or a crossword you read a recipe as you cook. Writing puzzle book. Read cooking instructions out When children write, they loud. Point out measurement begin to focus on the details of markings on measuring cups written words. The following are and spoons. some ideas to help you encourage • Show your children how you your child’s writing skills. must read and write when you • Let your children make pay bills. Let them open your grocery lists and junk mail and decide what is to greeting card lists, be saved or tossed. Encourage record birthdays on younger children to use junk the family calendar, and mail in pretend play. make charts for chores. • Encourage older children to check the weather predictions and read movie commercials or comic strips in the newspaper. You also might want to help your child start a collection of newspaper and magazine stories about sports, nature, science, etc.

Partners in Parenting 235 • Suggest they write for free ■ Read more about it! pamphlets and samples. For more information about Supply them with postcards children and families, ask for the and stamps. following publications from your • Set up a message center at county extension office. home and let children fill out So Alive—Three to Five, phone memo pads. Encourage PM-1431 (cost) older children to write down Kindergarten Ahead, PM-784 (cost) messages about their Child’s Play - Art, PM 1770a(cost) whereabouts or school Child’s Play - Fingerplays Plus, activities. PM 1770b (cost) • Buy a diary for older children Puppets for Kids, PM-1229 (cost) (promise to respect their Understanding Children: Language privacy). development, PM-1529f

To file a complaint of discrimination, write File: Family life 8 . . . and justice for all USDA, Office of Civil Rights, Room 326-W, Whitten Building, 14th and Independence The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) Avenue, SW, Washington, DC 20250-9410 or prohibits discrimination in all its programs and call 202-720-5964. Issued in furtherance of Written by Lesia Oesterreich, exten- activities on the basis of race, color, national Cooperative Extension work, Acts of May 8 sion family life specialist. Edited by origin, gender, religion, age, disability, political and June 30, 1914, in cooperation with the Carol Ouverson and Muktha Jost. beliefs, sexual orientation, and marital or family U.S. Department of Agriculture. Stanley R. Illustrations by Lonna Nachtigal. status. (Not all prohibited bases apply to all Johnson, director, Cooperative Extension programs.) Many materials can be made Service, Iowa State University of Science and Graphic design by Valerie Dittmer King. available in alternative formats for ADA clients. Technology, Ames, Iowa. 7/99

236 A TCU/DATAR Manual Disciplining your preschooler

Preschoolers are delightful to Preschoolers like to make variety of approaches to deal with have around, but at times can be decisions for themselves because behavioral problems. quite a challenge! Learning how it makes them feel important. Set up a safe environment to get along with others and They also are likely to get carried One of the most important things follow rules takes lots of practice away and become rather bossy. a parent can do is to for preschoolers; learning how to Preschoolers have lots of establish a safe guide and discipline preschoolers energy—sometimes more energy environment. takes lots of patience for parents. than adults! They play hard, fast, and furious; then they tire suddenly ■ Understanding and get cranky and irritable. preschool children Preschoolers spend a lot of time learning how to get along with Preschool children are busy others. “Best friends” are very learning about the world around important, but such friendships them. They ask lots of questions are brief and may last only a few and they love to imitate adults. minutes. Hurt feelings (and They are learning to share and sometimes swift kicks) are part of take turns (but don’t always want the learning process too. to). Sometimes they want to play with others and sometimes they ■ Ideas for parents want to be alone. There is no one right way to Preschoolers also are quite inde- discipline. An approach that is pendent. They like to try new things successful in one situation may and often take risks. They may try not work in another. Also, differ- to shock you at times by using ent children respond in different “forbidden words.” Getting atten- ways to disciplining methods. tion is fun, being ignored is not. Successful parents often use a

PM 1529b Reprinted July 1998 Partners in Parenting 237 Preschoolers move quickly and Time out Father: Hmm. Wonder why? love to climb and explore. Take a Many parents like to use a tech- Child: I dunno. Maybe because I close look at your home including nique called “time out.” A time out wouldn’t let him play. the exterior, garage, and yard. is just that—a time out or cooling Father: Wonder how both of you You may be able to avoid some off period. When a child is misbe- could play with the wagon? accidents. Fix, repair, toss, or lock having or out of control, he or she Child: Maybe he could ride and I up anything that might be a needs to be removed or isolated could pull! danger to your child. for a few minutes. Time out can This is an example of active It also is important to be on the be used with children ages 3 to 12 listening in which the father is look out for dangerous situations and with as many children as you trying to understand the problem while running errands or visiting have private places. For young as well as the child’s feelings. The others with your children. Having children, however, the time out father does not try to end the a safe place to play and appropri- period needs to be no longer than conversation; instead, he encour- ate toys to play with can save you 5 minutes or they tend to forget ages it. With the father’s time and from saying “NO,” making your the reason for the time out. support, the child is able to explore job as a parent much easier. A time out gives a child a few the situation, understand the minutes to settle down and think Establish a routine problem, and even offer a solution. about what has happened. Par- Sometimes preschoolers do not Preschoolers need a consistent ents need to follow-up by talking need an adult to intervene. routine and reasonable bedtimes. with the child about the misbehavior. Rather, they need someone who Their small stomachs and high Young children do not always will listen and help them work energy levels frequently need understand their misdoings. It helps through a problem. nutritious snacks and meals. to explain what happened, what Young children still have very Establishing consistent times for they should not be doing, and what limited problem-solving skills. The eating, napping, and playing they can do instead. They also child in the above example was 5 helps children learn how to pace need the opportunity to practice the years old. With a 3-year-old in the themselves. Balance the day with correct behavior. Keep such dis- same situation, the father may have active times, quiet times, times to cussions simple. You might say, “It’s needed to be more direct or offer a be alone, and times to be with not OK to hit your sister. Instead, suggestion. For example: others. Take care of basic needs to tell her with words that you want Father: Maybe you could both help prevent frustrating situations to play with the blocks, too.” sit in the wagon, or maybe one of with a cranky and whiny child. Active listening you can pull and the other one can Set a good example sit. Which idea do you like best? Child: John won’t let me ride in Preschoolers love to imitate the wagon. Natural or logical adults. Watch your bad habits Father: Sounds like you are upset because your youngster will be consequences about that. sure to copy them! If you want Natural or logical consequences Child: Yeah, he’s mean! your child to use good manners or help children understand the Father: Hmm. You sound really pick up his or her room, be sure to connection between their actions angry! demonstrate how to do it. and the results of their misbehavior. Child: Yeah! I had the wagon first. Preschoolers are very interested in Natural consequences are Father: You were playing with “why” we do things; it helps to results that would naturally the wagon before John was? explain what you are doing in happen after a child’s behavior if Child: Yeah, then he took it away. very simple terms. the parent did not do anything.

238 A TCU/DATAR Manual The following examples show how natural consequences work. Watch your language Use your words carefully to teach children. Focus on what to do • Four-year-old Cara was rather than what not to do. tossing a quarter around in the car. Her mother asked her Try saying: Instead of: to put the quarter in her Slow down and walk. Stop running. pocket. Cara continued to toss Come hold my hand. Don’t touch anything. her money and the quarter Keep your feet on the floor. Don’t climb on the couch. flew out the window. She lost Use your quiet voice inside. Stop screaming and shouting. her quarter. • Five-year-old Dena and four- this can work effectively. Withhold • Five-year-old Juan kept forget- year-old Peter are fighting. Mom all attention, praise, and support. ting to put the ball in his toy says, “Looks like you two are Eventually, the child quits the box when he came inside from having trouble getting along. unacceptable behavior because it playing. One afternoon the ball Find something that you can play does not bring the desired atten- disappeared. Juan lost his ball. with together or you’ll have to tion. This works particularly well Logical consequences should play alone in separate rooms.” when a child uses forbidden or be used whenever natural swear words to get attention. consequences are dangerous or Redirection unpractical. For example, it Often, the problem is not what When all else fails would be dangerous for a child the child is doing, but the way he Sometimes children have a to experience the natural conse- or she is doing it. In that case, behavioral problem that seems to quence of running into the street redirecting or teaching the child a happen over and over. When and getting hit by a car! different way to do the same thing nothing seems to be working, try Logical consequences happen can be effective. If the child is the who, what, when, where, and when a parent helps the child drawing on books, remove the how method. Ask yourself, correct the behavior. A logical books and say, “Books are not for “When does the troublesome consequence of a child running drawing on.” Offer a substitute at behavior seem to happen? into the street could be losing the the same time and say, “If you What happens just before and privilege of playing outside. Dad want to draw on something, draw after? Where does it happen and might comment, “Looks like you on this paper.” If your child is with whom? How do I usually will need to play inside. When throwing blocks, you can remove respond? How could I prevent you can stay out of the street, the blocks and offer a ball to throw. the behavior? What other ap- then you can play outdoors.” If the child wants to dance on the proaches could I use?” The following examples also coffee table, help him or her down The best method to find a more illustrate the use of logical and ask your child to perform for successful way to cope with consequences. you on the front porch. behavioral problems is to take the time to think about options. • Four-year-old Alex said Ignoring the behavior “Yuck!” and hurled his muffin Undesirable behavior can some- across the kitchen. Dad calmly times be stopped by not paying picked up the muffin and put attention to it. In some situations it in the trash. Dad com- mented, “When you keep your food on your plate, then you can eat.” Alex went without a snack.

Partners in Parenting 239 ■ Does spanking Preschoolers love to imitate. Most ■ Read more about it! parents find it more successful to work? For more information about focus on teaching a child what to children and families contact your Preschoolers often respond well do rather than what not to do. It may county extension office and ask to physical action when you need help to think of behavior problems for the following. to discipline them. Touching them as opportunities to teach your child Is Your Baby Safe at Home, PM 954a-d on the arm, taking them by the new skills. After all, the word Understanding Children: Temper hand, picking them up, holding, discipline comes from the word tantrums, PM 1529j or restraining them are all good disciple, which means to teach. Understanding Children: Toilet ways to get their attention. training, PM 1529k Spanking also will get their ■ Taking care of Understanding Children: Biting, attention, but doesn’t do a very PM 1529a good job of teaching children how yourself Ages & Stages, 1530e-g to behave. In fact, it generally Parenting preschoolers is distresses a child so much that he challenging and works better or she can’t pay attention to your when you remember to take care explanations and directions. It’s of yourself. Remember to rest, eat hard to reason with a screaming, well, and relax. Above all else, try crying child. to maintain a sense of humor. Spanking and slapping can When you discover your child quickly get out-of-hand for both dumping flour on the floor or parents and children. Most re- finger painting with the sour ported cases of abuse involve cream, remember that someday loving, well-meaning parents this will be a great story to tell who lost control. Studies show your grandchildren. Grab a that children who experience or camera and take a picture! You witness a great deal of spanking, will want to remember this. slapping, or hitting are much Honest. more likely to become aggressive themselves. Children who are bullied by older brothers, sisters, or other children often react by bullying others. Children who are spanked frequently often hit younger children.

File: Family life 8

Written by Lesia Oesterreich, extension family life specialist. Illustrations by Lonna Nachtigal. Graphic design by Valerie Dittmer King.

. . . and justice for all apply to all programs.) Many materials can be made Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension work, The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) prohibits available in alternative formats for ADA clients. To file Acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, in cooperation with discrimination in all its programs and activities on the a complaint of discrimination, write USDA, Office of the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Stanley R. basis of race, color, national origin, gender, religion, Civil Rights, Room 326-W, Whitten Building, 14th and Johnson, director, Cooperative Extension Service, age, disability, political beliefs, sexual orientation, and Independence Avenue, SW, Washington, DC 20250- Iowa State University of Science and Technology, marital or family status. (Not all prohibited bases 9410 or call 202-720-5964. Ames, Iowa. 10/99 240 A TCU/DATAR Manual Disciplining your toddler

No doubt about it, toddlers are a ing, grunting, and pointing. Unlike or bite to get (or keep) a favorite handful! At times, it will seem like babies, however, toddlers can say a toy. In fact, toddlers may spend they can be in two places at the few words, which can mean many as much time carrying around same time, and be headed for things. “Cup!” may mean “Hand and protecting toys as they do trouble in a third one yet. Many a me my cup,” “I want more milk,” playing with them. parent can recite nerve-racking “The cup just fell off the table,” or stories of toddlers perched on top of “The dog just stole my cup!” A the bookcase, or of a fall that re- toddler, with this limited capac- sulted in an emergency room visit. ity to communicate, is therefore Setting limits and maintaining very hard to understand. some kind of control are difficult Toddlers can try tasks with toddlers because they are so independent, yet have so few your patience skills to communicate and solve Sometimes, toddlers do problems. The key to disciplining things that drive parents crazy. your toddler includes love, under- They reach out and grab things standing, and quick thinking! (like eyeglasses). They are rather clumsy and awkward with ges- ■ Understanding tures; a loving pat often turns into an accidental whack. A spoonful toddlers of peas may wind up on the floor Toddlers are limited in their rather than in the mouth. ability to communicate Toddlers are interesting little Toddlers cannot share people. Like babies, they still like to Toddlers are also very be held, talked to, and comforted. possessive. “No,” and And they still often express them- “Mine,” are favorite words selves by crying, shrieking, jabber- and they are quite willing to hit

PM 1529c Reprinted February 1997

Partners in Parenting 241 Toddlers cannot plan Establish a routine able knickknacks at a friend’s home, their own day Toddlers need naps and rea- perhaps you can distract him or Toddlers are always “on the sonable bedtimes. Small stomachs her with a stuffed toy. Since young go” and often play until they need nutritious snacks and meals children’s attention spans are so “run out of gas.” They have very frequently. Growing bodies need short, distraction is often effective. little skill at pacing themselves time to run, jump, and play every Redirect and can be happy one minute day. Riding around all day in a If your toddler is throwing and cranky the next. Much of car seat, sleeping in a stroller, and blocks, hammering on tables, or this behavior depends on the eating fast food is OK once in a drawing on books, remove the new skills they are developing. while, but if it’s happening often materials while saying something The same toddler who screams you may want to rethink your like “Blocks are for building, not for an unreachable cookie may schedule. Taking care of basic throwing.” At the same time lead or drag you to the jar and needs can go a long way in substitute another point at another time. Learning preventing a cranky, whiny child. appropriate toy to do things in a socially accept- Remove or isolate for the material able way is a big step for When a child is running out you just took a toddler. into the street or about to get into away and say ■ the household bleach, there is no “If you How parents time for negotiation. Parents want to can help MUST remove a child from a throw Set up a safe environment dangerous situation. Picking up, some- One of the most important holding, or putting a child in the thing, things a parent can do is to crib for a few minutes until things throw the bean bag into the establish a safe environment. can be made safe is perfectly OK. basket.” By redirecting the activ- “Toddler-proof” your home by Your child may protest loudly, ity into a more acceptable situa- locking up dangerous chemicals but your primary responsibility is tion, you let children know you and medicines, covering electri- to keep him or her safe. accept them and their play, and you channel a problem activity cal outlets, and storing breakable Distract objects up high, especially if into a more acceptable activity. This works especially well with your toddler is a climber! very young children. Ignore You also may want to take a When a child is doing The goal in this strategy is to close look at toys and how your something unac- have the child stop the undesir- toddler uses them. Getting hit ceptable, try to call able behavior by not paying accidentally on the head with a attention to another attention to it. This can be effec- foam block is no big deal, but a activity—perhaps tive in some situations with older “bonk” on the head with a hard playing with another toddlers. Withhold all attention, wooden block is more serious. toy or reading a praise, and support. Without the A safe place to play and appro- book together. The desired attention, children even- priate toys to play with will save goal is to temporarily tually quit whatever they’re you from saying “No” and make distract the child from doing. This takes patience. your job as parent much easier. the current problem. For example, if a child wants to play with break-

242 A TCU/DATAR Manual Use natural or logical logical consequences teaches brothers and sisters sometimes consequences toddlers to help with the cleaning have trouble understanding this. Natural consequences are and to understand that cleaning up Sometimes it helps to explain that results that naturally happen after our mess is a part of growing up. your toddler is just “showing” her a child’s behavior. For example, Set a good example brother the toy. If your toddler the natural result of does share, give praise, but respect Toddlers love to imitate their refusing to eat is the need to protect treasures. parents. If you want your toddler hunger. The to treat the dog kindly or have natural conse- Is it ever OK to spank? good eating habits, be sure to quence of Toddlers often respond well to demonstrate how to do it. Re- dropping a physical action when you need to member also to talk about what cookie in the discipline them. Touching them you do. Even though toddlers bathtub is that on the arm, taking them by the may not fully understand every- it becomes hand, picking them up, holding, thing you say, they will begin to soggy. or restraining them are all good understand that there are reasons Natural ways to get their attention. for doing things a certain way. consequences can be very effec- Spanking will also get their tive for teaching children what Help your toddler attention, but doesn’t do a very happens when they do certain understand “sharing” things. As was mentioned earlier, Logical consequences should sharing is not something that be used whenever natural conse- toddlers do very well. They quences are dangerous or unprac- aren’t able to understand the tical. For example, it would be process yet. Toddlers do enjoy dangerous for a child to experi- playing next to other children, but ence the natural consequence of are not very good at playing with running in to the street and being other children. hit by a car! Logical consequences If you have several young should be logically connected to a children, it is better (and easier) to child’s behavior and should teach provide several similar toys than responsible behavior. to require sharing. Two toy For example, if a child persis- telephones can prevent many tently flings peas across the squabbles and may even encour- kitchen or spills milk over the age children to cooperate and edge of the table, you may want communicate better. to use logical consequenses. First Toddlers usually find it difficult remove the peas or milk until to share because they don’t really they can be used in an appropri- understand what ownership ate manner. Second, provide an means. They may think sharing a opportunity for your toddler to toy is the same as giving it away. “clean-up.” Peas that are dropped It is very common for a toddler must be picked up; milk that is to give someone a toy, but expect spilled must be wiped up. Using it to be given right back. Older

Partners in Parenting 243 good job of teaching them how to Toddlers love to imitate. Most toddler needs guidance if you behave. In fact, it generally parents find it more successful to understand the reasons for his or distresses children so much that teach a child what to do rather her behavior and know your they can’t pay attention to your than what not to do. It may help to options. Good luck! explanations or directions. It’s think of behavior problems as hard to reason with a screaming, opportunities to teach your child ■ Read more about it! crying child. new skills. After all, the word For more information about Some parents who frequently discipline comes from the word children and families contact your slap a toddler’s hand are dis- disciple, which means “to teach.” county extension office and ask mayed to find their toddler for the following. slapping back. Or worse yet, ■ A final note Is Your Baby Safe At Home, slapping and hitting others. Disciplining toddlers is not PM 954a-d Spanking and slapping can easy. And you won’t always feel Understanding Children: Temper quickly get out-of-hand for both good about how you handled a tantrums, PM 1529j parents and children. Most re- situation. It’s important to recog- Understanding Children: Toilet ported cases of abuse involve nize that you are human. After Teaching, PM 1529k loving, well-meaning parents all, it’s hard to be calm when your Understanding Children: Biting, who just lost control. Studies toddler tries to drown the cat PM 1529a show that children who experi- with orange juice or smack you in Understanding Children: Fears, ence or witness a great deal of the face with a banana. You can PM 1529d spanking, slapping, or hitting are respond quickly when your much more likely to become physically aggressive themselves.

Written by Lesia Oesterreich, extension family life specialist. Illustrations by Lonna Nachtigal. Graphic design by Valerie Dittmer King.

File: Family life 8

To many parents, children’s fears Common fears Preschoolers are more self- make no sense at all. Neverthe- Fear of separation assured than toddlers, but occasion- less, to children, monsters lurking ally experience fears about being Toddlers’ anxiety about separa- in the dark or scary noises coming separated from a parent when tion is an indication of growth. from the attic are quite real. starting a new school or child care Before your toddler turned 2, he Around your child’s second arrangement, staying overnight or she forgot you after you left, birthday, he or she may become with a relative, or moving to a new and settled down quickly. Now frightened by things that did not home. Ease into new situations your child worries about and cause fear before—the neighbor’s gradually. Visiting the new school puzzles over your departure. dog, the dark, the bathtub drain, several times before the first day, or Always tell your child that you and loud noises. staying with your child for the first are leaving. Sneaking out decreases Several factors contribute to a day or two can make a trust. It may help to get your child child developing fears by age 2. big difference. absorbed in an activity before you Children between the ages of 2 and leave. An elaborate ritual of waving 6 have experienced real fear or pain bye-bye and blowing good-bye from being lost, injured, or bitten. kisses also may help. They also have vivid imaginations and struggle with the idea of cause and effect. A toddler knows something about size and shape, but not enough to be sure that he or she won’t be sucked down into the bathtub drain or into a flushing toilet. Older children also are aware of dangers that they hear about or see on TV. It’s hard to know what is real and what is not.

PM 1529d Reprinted October 1999

Partners in Parenting 245 Fear of baths Fear of dogs children fear monsters and snakes Many young children worry Dogs are often loud, fast moving, that lurk in the bedroom shad- about going down the drain with and unpredictable. Many children ows. Older children may fear the water. No amount of logical talk fear them. Respect your child’s fear burglars and thieves. It is not at will change this. Avoid letting the of strange dogs; a child’s instincts all uncommon for children who water drain out while your child is may be right. If you wish to intro- are 10 and 11 to still use a night still in the tub or even in the bath- duce your child to a friendly dog, light. A gradual reduction of light room. If your child seems fearful of first try sharing pictures of the dog works for many families, while water, you might try letting him or with your child. Next watch the some children decide on their her play first with a pan of water, dog from a distance, and finally own to turn lights off. It is impor- then in the sink, and finally over approach the dog together. You tant not to rush your child. the edge of the tub (don’t leave a may want to demonstrate how to School-age children child alone in the bathroom). pet the dog, but don’t force your child to pet the dog, too. If he or she have fears too refuses, you can try again later. During the school-age years, imaginary monsters disappear, but Fear of loud noises other fears begin to surface. School- Although your toddler loves to age children often have to deal with pound on a toy drum, the loud bullies, the fear of rejection or noise from a vacuum cleaner or a embarrassment, and sometimes the hair dryer may be very frighten- reality of being home alone after ing. Even preschoolers can school. School-agers also are aware develop fear of loud noises. Try of TV and news events that show- letting your child look at and case murder, drug abuse, eventually touch things in your kidnappings, and burglaries. home before you turn them on. About one-third of school-age If the fear seems intense, save children experience fears that “loud noise jobs” for times when re-occur. Often these children your child is rested and in a good develop strategies that help them mood, or better yet, when he or cope. One common strategy she is not around. children use is to turn the TV on when they arrive home so they Fear of the dark don’t hear scary noises. Other Parents often sheepishly admit strategies include hiding under that their child sleeps with a beds or in closets, turning all the night light (or the room light) on. lights on in the house, and using Children can sleep with lights on the phone for comfort and com- without damaging their health. panionship. Older kids often feel Many children sleep with a embarrassed about feeling afraid night light well into the school- and are reluctant to share their age years. feelings. Asking specific questions Fear of the dark is usually like “Do you have a special hiding one of the last childhood place? Do you walk home a certain fears to be conquered. Younger way? When you come home do

246 A TCU/DATAR Manual you check the doors?” will help • Accept your child’s fears as parents identify concerns that valid. Support your child any their children might have. A very time he or she is frightened. Use elaborate plan for self protection a matter-of-fact attitude and may indicate that the child is some reassuring words. It’s OK feeling threatened and very afraid. to explain that monsters don’t really live under ■ How parents the bed, but don’t can help expect your child to believe it. Remember Your child’s fears depend on that some fear is good. his or her level of anxiety, past Children should have a experience, and imagination. If healthy sense of cau- any fears persist, give your child tion. Strange dogs and strange more time and try to avoid events be helpful. It is best not to force people can be dangerous. As and situations that can trigger a child into fearful situations all children grow older, they begin them. Your child may be better at once. Often the “shock” to have a better understanding equipped emotionally to deal with method will backfire and of cause and effect, and reality his or her fears in a few months. intensify the fear. A small dose versus fantasy. They also may at a time is the best way to help • Avoid lectures. It is not helpful gain some first-hand experi- a child overcome fear. to ridicule, coerce, ignore, or ence with the object of their use logic. Think back to your fear and discover ways to ■ A note about own childhood. How often did control potentially dangerous you hear phrases like: “There is situations. Eventually, most nightmares and no such thing as a monster,” fears will be overcome or at night terrors “Don’t be such a baby,” “There least brought under control. One out of every four children are no lions or bears for miles • Show your child how to cope. between the ages of 3 and 8 and miles from here,” or “Pet Young children can learn some experiences either night terrors or the nice doggie, he won’t hurt coping skills that will help nightmares. Both of these situa- you.” Did statements such as them feel like they have more tions can be unnerving, but are these really make control of their fear. Learning generally short-lived. you feel any how to take deep breaths, using Night terrors generally occur better? their imagination to turn a within an hour of falling asleep. scary monster into a funny The child awakens suddenly from monster, or keeping a flashlight a state of deep sleep in a state of by the bed after lights are panic. He or she may scream, sit turned off are all good ex- up in bed, breathe quickly, and amples of coping skills. Read- stare “glassy eyed.” The child also ing children’s books about may seem confused, disoriented, scary situations such as and incoherent. Each episode can going to bed in the dark last from 5 to 30 minutes. A child or having an operation who experiences night terrors is in the hospital also can not aware of any scary thoughts

Partners in Parenting 247 or dreams and is usually able to go Parents can help by remaining ■ Read more about it! back to sleep quickly. In the calm. Hold your child close and For more information about morning, the child usually talk in a soft, soothing voice. children and families contact your doesn’t remember waking at all. Comfort and reassure your child. county extension office and ask Night terrors may occur for If possible, stay close by until he for the following publications. several years. Generally they go or she falls asleep. Calm, consis- Zero to One ( a newsletter series away with time and are not an tent handling of nightmares or for the first year of life), Pm-984 indication of any underlying terrors will help your child feel 1-2-3 Grow ( a newsletter series for emotional problems. safe and secure. toddler years), Pm-1071 (cost) Nightmares generally occur in So Alive—Three to Five, ( a news- the early morning hours. Chil- ■ Books for children letter series for preschool dren who experience nightmares Are You My Mother? P. Eastman years), Pm-1431 (cost) can often recall the vivid details How Many Kisses Goodnight? Jean Understanding Children: Disciplin- of their scary dream and may Monrad ing your toddler, Pm-1529c have difficulty going back to The Runaway Bunny, Margaret Understanding Children: Disciplin- sleep. Nightmares will often center Wise Brown ing your preschooler, Pm-1529b on a specific problem or life event Goodnight Moon, Margaret Understanding Children: Self- that is troubling the child. Wise Brown esteem, Pm-1529h Bedtime for Francis, Lilian Hoban Growing into Middle Childhood: 5- to 8-year-olds, Pm-1174 (cost) Ira Sleeps Over, Bernard Waler

. . . and justice for all USDA, Office of Civil Rights, Room 326-W, File: Family life 8 The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) Whitten Building, 14th and Independence Avenue, SW, Washington, DC 20250-9410 or Written by Lesia Oesterreich, extension prohibits discrimination in all its programs and activities on the basis of race, color, national call 202-720-5964. Issued in furtherance of family life specialist. Some material origin, gender, religion, age, disability, political Cooperative Extension work, Acts of May 8 and adapted from 1-2-3 Grow by Pauline Davey beliefs, sexual orientation, and marital or family June 30, 1914, in cooperation with the U.S. Zeece and Randy Wiegel. Edited by status. (Not all prohibited bases apply to all Department of Agriculture. Stanley R. Johnson, Muktha Jost. Illustrations by Lonna programs.) Many materials can be made director, Cooperative Extension Service, Iowa Nachtigal. Graphic design by Valerie available in alternative formats for ADA clients. State University of Science and Technology, Dittmer King. To file a complaint of discrimination, write Ames, Iowa. 10/99

248 A TCU/DATAR Manual Self-esteem

Do you sometimes wish you talk, sing, and play with them. Toddlers establish a sense of self could slip your child a dose of When basic needs are met, babies by learning to do things for healthy self-esteem that would develop a strong sense of trust themselves and by touching, last a life time? A great idea, but and security. tasting, and feeling everything in hard to do! The manner in which needs are sight (even when it is forbidden). The development of self-esteem met also sends messages. is a lifelong task. From our first Parents who feed their babies breath to the last, we are all devel- just to quiet them send a oping, refining, and changing our different message than those sense of self-worth and identity. who also interact with their Self-esteem involves developing babies to make eating a pleas- a sense of self-worth by feeling ant experience. Our actions lovable and capable. Children often speak louder than words. tackle this task differently at Even though infants cannot different developmental ages. understand every word that is spoken to them, they are sensi- ■ Ages and stages tive to tone of voice, smiles, and laughter. The way adults Infants conduct everyday routines Self-esteem for infants is nour- with infants tells them ished by attending to basic needs whether or not adults and building a sense of trust. enjoy being with them. When infants cry, they are telling you that they are hungry, sleepy, Toddlers cold, wet, or lonely. The way you The first step away respond to those needs tells your from babyhood is baby a lot. Babies need to be held a step toward and cuddled. They need adults to independence.

PM-1529h | Reprinted | December 1997

Partners in Parenting 249 At times this new-found indepen- competent 5-year-old, they begin many opportunities to discover dence can make a toddler seem a to develop an awareness of their their strengths and weaknesses in bit bossy. “No,” “Mine,” and “Me own personal interests and skills. an academic setting. do it,” are favorite words. For example, most 3-year-olds It is not uncommon for school- Creating a safe environment are not critical of their art projects. age children to set standards that and letting a toddler explore They are more process oriented are frustratingly high or low. fosters this sense of indepen- than product oriented. When they Children this age have not had dence. When Billy’s parents use play dough, they care more much experience in setting and encourage him to help by pulling about the experience of squeezing, achieving goals. Also, they do not off socks or wiping the table pounding, rolling, and squishing have the capacity to measure their (even if it takes longer), they are than what they actually produce. own strengths and weaknesses. letting him develop important On the other hand, 5-year-olds Adults can help by providing skills and a stronger sense of self. are much more aware of details experiences that are challenging, and pay more attention to the yet achievable. Progressively Preschoolers work of other children. They learning new skills and becoming Preschoolers sometimes seem learn by comparing their work to competent in those skills are sure grown-up. They can feed and the world around them. As they ways to achieve a strong sense of dress themselves, they love to strive to polish their drawing identity and self-worth. imitate adults, and they are eager skills, it is not uncommon to hear to please. Self-esteem is tied them express a great deal of ■ Tips for parents significantly with learning new dissatisfaction. They want their skills. As they develop from an drawing to look like a “real bird” Help your child feel energetic 3-year-old into a more or “real truck.” This dissatisfac- lovable and capable tion doesn’t necessarily mean that The two key ingredients of self- they have poor self-esteem. It esteem are feeling loved and just means that they are capable. Billy’s parents can foster beginning to learn more this in many little ways every day. about themselves and their It is important to Billy that they personal skills. listen, take his feelings seriously, and spend time alone with him. School-agers You also can show your respect As children enter school-age and support by allowing your child they are very optimistic about to make decisions, respecting your their abilities. Often, they also child’s possessions, and express- have very high expectations ing love with words and hugs. about doing well in school. As children grow older, they Such a positive attitude is begin to discover that they have wonderful. It is helpful, special talents and interests. however, to remember that Parents can help by providing young children have not had opportunities for children to

250 A TCU/DATAR Manual experiment with different activi- be to use specific praise. For amends. Confessing, returning ties. Children who enjoy sports example, when your child sets the the candy, paying for the candy, might be encouraged to try out a table, you might say “You did and resolving never to steal again variety of activities such as soccer, such a good job! You put the can help bring Billy’s feelings of basketball, softball, or swimming. spoons and forks in the right self-worth back into balance. An interest in music might lead to place and remembered the nap- Set a good example piano lessons or church choir. A kins!” When you notice your Taking responsibility for your nature buff might wish to join child reading to a younger sister own self-esteem is important too. Scouts or 4-H. Remember, the you might say, “When you Children learn so much by watch- focus is to explore a variety of growled you sounded just like a ing and imitating their parents. interests. Try not to push or over- bear! It must be nice for Sara to Talk out loud about your feelings do any one thing at a particular have a brother who is such a good and the ways that you cope with time. Childhood should be a storyteller.” Specific praise means life’s problems. For example, a relaxed, stress-free time for more to a child than a brief “You comment such as, “I’m feeling sad discovery and experimentation. are great” or a smiley face sticker. today because someone at work One of your most important Low self-esteem can be said some mean things. I think I’ll roles is as a teacher good sometimes take a walk after dinner to feel Billy’s parents take time every It’s OK for children to feel better,” shows a child that indi- day to teach him a new skill. badly about themselves at times, viduals can have control over Everyday life skills are so important. especially when their actions how they feel and think about Billy learns how to set the table, make them feel ashamed or themselves. to cook with Mom and Dad in the guilty. For example, if Billy steals kitchen, and to spray and wash a piece of candy from a the car windows. Look carefully store it is usually for your child’s hidden talents healthy for him to feel and abilities and nurture them. bad about himself. Feeling guilty can stimu- Be a coach more than late a child to make a cheerleader A cheerleader just cheers. A coach uses praise to foster behavioral growth and to instill self- worth. Happygrams, stickers, ribbons, and behavioral charts with smiley faces are fun to receive, but they often give children an incomplete message. A better approach would

Partners in Parenting 251 ■ A final note ■ Children’s books ■ Read more about it! Positive self-esteem is possible The Important Book, Margaret For more information about for everyone, but it doesn’t Wise Brown children and families contact your happen overnight. True self- I Know What I Like, N. Simon. county extension office and re- worth is developed over a lifetime Harold and the Purple Crayon, quest the following. and most of us will experience David Johnson Liesk Ages and Stages, PM-1530a-g many highs and lows as we Just the Thing for Geraldine, Understanding Children: Disciplining journey through life. A parent’s Ellen Conford your preschooler, PM-1529b role is to help children feel loved Howie Helps Himself, Joan Fassler Understanding Children: Disciplining and to teach them the skills they Ira Sleeps Over, Bernard Waber your toddler, PM-1529d need to feel capable when faced Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, Growing up Fit: Preschoolers in with life’s many challenges. No Good, Very Bad Day, motion, PM-1359a (cost) Judith Viorst Growing into Middle Childhood: 5- to 8-year-olds, PM-1174a

File: Family life 8

. . . and justice for all write USDA, Office of Civil Rights, Room 326- The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) W, Whitten Building, 14th and Independence prohibits discrimination in all its programs and Avenue, SW, Washington, DC 20250-9410 or Written by Lesia Oesterreich, exten- activities on the basis of race, color, national call 202-720-5964 Issued in furtherance of origin, gender, religion, age, disability, political Cooperative Extension work, Acts of May 8 sion family life specialist. Edited by beliefs, sexual orientation, and marital or and June 30, 1914, in cooperation with the Carol Ouverson and Muktha Jost. family status. (Not all prohibited bases apply U.S. Department of Agriculture. Stanley R. Illustrated by Lonna Nachtigal. Graphic to all programs.) Many materials can be made Johnson, director, Cooperative Extension available in alternative formats for ADA Service, Iowa State University of Science and design by Valerie Dittmer King. clients. To file a complaint of discrimination, Technology, Ames, Iowa. 7/99

252 A TCU/DATAR Manual Moving to a new home

Although moving has become a move there will be places, things, The personality of the child is common event for American and people you will miss. When important because it influences the families, it is a “moving” experi- moving is brought about by a time a child may take to adjust to ence in more ways than one. No death, divorce, or job loss, the sense the move. Some children are matter how often families change of loss and sadness is more acute. naturally outgoing and will be able residence, moving brings with it a Sometimes, a combination of the to make friends immediately while variety of emotions and situations. exciting prospect of moving and some other children may take One out of five American fami- the sense of loss that the same months. lies moves each year, and most change could bring produces a see- Some aspects of the child’s of those moves are within the saw of emotions. Many family personality may tend to get more same community or to a neigh- members experience emotional ups pronounced. For instance, if your boring state. and downs. child tends to worry and get ner- Moving can be an exciting Moving is a challenging and vous, you are likely to see more of adventure for families as they look difficult experience for a family, this behavior until the child begins forward to new places, friends, and especially for children. It is natural, to feel more comfortable in the new neighbors. Many families find that therefore, for parents to be con- surroundings. Roller coaster the experience of moving often cerned about the effect of the move. emotions are not brings them closer. Parents often wish to help ease the uncommon. One The general sense of confusion transition for their children and day your child and disorder can make moving make moving a positive experience. may be both physically and emotionally When faced with a move, it is stressful. While packing, moving, important to remember dusting, and sorting take a toll on that reactions from energy and attention, short tempers children will vary and chaos drain the emotions. depending on their There is also an element of grief. personality and devel- No matter how eager you are to opmental age.

Pm-1529g | Reprinted | June 1996

Partners in Parenting 253 understand a few basic household toys. Also, they may not realize that thrilled and excited, then blue and rules like “Don't climb on the close friends and neighbors will not depressed the next. counter tops or scribble on the make the move. ■ wall” may need to relearn the rules Ages and stages What you can do all over again in the new house. Moving and your infant Try to pack children’s things last or toddler What you can do and include your preschooler in on Your time and attention are the packing process. Do not assume Generally, infants and toddlers especially important now. Remem- that your child understands the make the transition quite well. They ber to take a break during the rush process of moving. Explain the may, however, pick up on your to hold or play with your child. Be move to your child and give anxiety and stress level, and seem sure to keep any security objects reasons for the way you are doing particularly fussy and demanding such as a favorite teddy bear or things. Children’s books on mov- in the few weeks before and imme- blanket close by. Keep your routine ing are listed in this publication. diately after your move. If your as normal as possible. Regular Take the time to read aloud one or child is being cared for by a care- eating and nap times are important. two to help your child understand giver other than yourself, he or she the moving process. As with may go through a sense of loss and Moving and your infants and toddlers, keep your not be well able to express it. Older preschooler routine as normal and predictable toddlers who have just begun to Often, preschoolers will express as possible. a great deal of excitement over a move, but may not really under- Moving and your stand everything that is going on. school-age child The details of moving inevitably School-age children often are frustrate parents, and preschoolers quite excited about a family move tend to think that the chaos and and love to become involved in frustration may somehow be the planning process. School-age their fault. children love to develop lists and Preschoolers also find it hard to are very project oriented. Use their understand what will go with them enthusiasm and energy to help and what will stay you get some of your moving behind. They may not tasks done. realize that you are Relationships with peers are taking furniture and very important for school-agers, toys with you, and and they can understand the effect often develop great of the move on their relationships fears for their per- with friends and neighbors. Al- sonal belongings and though they can understand the separation from friends and neighbors that is about to happen, they may not have the maturity to deal with their emotions.

254 A TCU/DATAR Manual Most school-agers are quite Teenagers are generally very Parents also can help teens by positive before and even immedi- involved in social relationships. paying sincere attention to their ately after the move. A month or so Your teen is focused on learning feelings. Accept your teen’s feelings after the move, however, they may how to develop more long-term without getting defensive or relationships. Most teens feel that become quite angry about the lecturing. If a teen can express move, especially if they have not friendships and romantic relation- feelings openly and work through had much success forming a group ships are unnecessarily interrupted the “sense of loss” with parental of friends. School-agers still have a by a move. Although teenagers support, he or she will be much less very active imagination and may have the maturity to understand likely to express anger and depres- have imagined that the move reasons for moving, they may not sion in a harmful manner. would somehow make their lives be prepared emotionally. wonderful. When reality sets in, What you can do ■ How long will therefore, they may experience a Parents need to give teens time great deal of confusion, frustration, your child take to and space when preparing for a and anger. move. Many parents postpone adjust to the move? What you can do telling kids about the move, hoping Researchers tell us that adults Scope out the neighborhood that it will make things easier. and children need time to adjust— before you move. Are there other Generally it is best to tell them right often as long as 16 months. For children your child can play with? away. The “grief work” of breaking some families, the most stressful If not, where can your child go to relationships and saying goodbyes time is two weeks before and two meet friends? Is there a community takes time, and is best done before weeks after the move. For many center or club such as 4-H, Scouts, the move. families, however, the time of the or Campfire nearby? Even though teens seem much move is one when everyone pitches Arrange to visit the school before more advanced in their social skills, in and works together as a team. It enrolling your child. Be sure to they may worry a lot about making point out familiar places like the friends and fitting in. Be sure to school cafeteria, library, and visit their school and check out restrooms. Kids worry about being local activities and employment able to find their way around. opportunities for young people. Take pictures of your child, new Communities have their own home, and community and encour- culture and way of doing things, age your child to share them with and this is often reflected in the others. A farewell party is also a way teens dress. How they look is good idea. A farewell party can very important to teens. Before help ease the pain of goodbyes, spending money on a new make the move a concrete event, school wardrobe you and your and help the child accept reality. teen may want to do some quiet observation or visiting with Moving and your teenager neighbors to see what is “in.” No doubt about it, moving is Purchasing a “special” outfit can difficult for most adolescents. often help a teen feel more comfortable.

Partners in Parenting 255 is only a month or so after the some will dive in head first. Moving Molly, S. Hughes move that the reality of friends and Allow for personality differences. I’m Not Moving!, P. Jones places left behind begins to sink in. • Be a good model. Children need Maggie and the Goodbye Gift, Frustration, anger, and confusion to see and hear adults express S. Milord & J. Milord are common emotions at this time. their feelings and work through A New Boy in Kindergarten, Moving is stressful for adults and is problems. A parent who feels J.B. Moncure particularly stressful for children as comfortable with saying “Gee, Mitchell is Moving, M. W. Sharmat, they have limited coping skills. sometimes I sure feel lonely,” or The Monster in the Third Dresser Other events associated with the “Today I told myself that I was Drawer and Other Stories About move effect how children cope with going to meet at least one new Adam Joshua, J. I. Smith a move. Financial problems, a person!” can provide a lot of Moving Day, T. Tobias death, or divorce can sometimes support for children. Moving, W. Watson make the problem worse and • Promote peer interaction. Hook children’s coping skills are ■ Read more about it! into the community quickly. Ask stretched to the limit. Parents may a neighbor if he or she will For more information about then wish to seek short-term introduce your child to neigh- children and families contact your counseling for their children. borhood children. Link up with county extension office and ask for Strategies to help children familiar organizations such as the following. Zero to One (a newsletter for the adjust to moving. Scouts, Campfire, 4-H, and church youth groups. first year of life), Pm-984 • Be understanding. Acknowl- 1-2-3 Grow (a newsletter for the • Use children’s literature. Books edge both positive and negative toddler years), Pm-1071 (cost) can help children prepare for and feelings. Let children know that So Alive—Three to Five (a newsletter understand difficult situations. it’s OK and normal to feel for the preschool years), Story characters who model anxiety. Watch out for verbal Pm-1431 (cost) successful coping strategies are an and nonverbal communication. Simple Snacks for Kids, Pm-1264 excellent resource for children. • Provide continuity. Much of the Balancing Work and Family: stress associated with moving ■ Coming home, comes from the “newness” and Children’s books making the “difference” of things. Try to about moving transition, keep routines and other daily Dear Phoebe, S. Alexander Pm-1404f living habits as normal as pos- We Are Best Friends, Aliki Grandparenting: sible. This is not the time to make It’s Your Move: Picking up, packing More than cookies a lot of major changes in your up and settling in, L. Bourke and milk, Pm-1405 family life. I Don’t Live Here!, P. Conrad Understanding Children: Fears, Pm-1529d • Be patient. New adjustments I’m Moving, M. W. Hickman take time. Individuals handle My Friend William Moved Away, things differently. Some children M. W. Hickman will ease into a new situation, . . . and justice for all File: Family Life 8 The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) prohibits Civil Rights, Room 326-W, Whitten Building, 14th and discrimination in all its programs and activities on the Independence Avenue, SW, Washington, DC 20250- Written by Lesia Oesterreich, extension basis of race, color, national origin, gender, religion, 9410 or call 202-720-5964. Issued in furtherance of age, disability, political beliefs, sexual orientation, and Cooperative Extension work, Acts of May 8 and June famly life specialist. Edited by Muktha Jost. marital or family status. (Not all prohibited bases 30, 1914, in cooperation with the U.S. Department of Illustration by Lonna Nachtigal. Graphic apply to all programs.) Many materials can be made Agriculture. Stanley R. Johnson, director, Cooperative available in alternative formats for ADA clients. To file Extension Service, Iowa State University of Science design by Valerie Dittmer King. a complaint of discrimination, write USDA, Office of and Technology, Ames, Iowa. 7/99

256 A TCU/DATAR Manual Temper tantrums

Temper tantrums—just the apparent reason. Studies show Preschoolers thought of one is enough to make that infants who have their needs Preschoolers are less likely to you cringe. Most parents agree that met quickly and who are held and throw tantrums. They have there is nothing quite like dealing comforted when they cry, de- developed more coping skills and with a kicking, screaming child. It velop a strong sense of security are able to communicate better. can bring out the worst in all of us and well-being and may actually Still, when dinner is late or when and it is always difficult to handle. cry much less later on. Temper tantrums are a normal part of growing up. All children Toddlers have them. Often they happen for Toddlers throw tantrums for different reasons at different ages. many reasons—some big, some Sometimes they take you by small. A square block won’t fit in surprise and sometimes they are a round hole. Shoes feel funny predictable. There are no magic and socks don’t seem to come off cures, but there are some success- right. To make matters worse, ful techniques that can help. you won’t let them climb on top ■ of the kitchen table. Toddlers Ages and stages have tantrums because they get Infants frustrated very easily. Most Infants may cry a lot, but they toddlers still do not talk much. don’t really have tantrums. They They have trouble asking for cry because they are wet, hungry, things and expressing their cold, or lonely. Crying is their feelings. Toddlers also have very only way of letting adults know few problem-solving skills. that they need something. Some- Tantrums are most likely to times infants have colic. They happen when toddlers are hun- seem to cry endlessly for no gry, exhausted, or overexcited.

Pm-1529 j Reprinted July 1998 Partners in Parenting 257 things get frustrating, your Older children can learn to recog- Ignore—Older children will preschooler may begin to behave nize when they are feeling upset sometimes throw tantrums to more like a 2-year-old! Some or frustrated. Also, they can learn get attention. Try ignoring the children learn at this age that acceptable ways to deal with tantrum and go about your tantrums can be used to get some- their anger. business as usual. If staying in thing they want. If parents give in the same room with a screaming to demands, tantrums may begin to ■ How to handle child makes you uncomfortable, occur with greater frequency. a tantrum leave the room. If necessary, turn on the radio and lock yourself in School-agers 1. Try to remain calm. Shaking, the bathroom for a few minutes. Older children are typically spanking, or screaming at your Hold—Physically restrain more tolerant of frustrating child tends to make the tan- children if they are “out of situations, but they too get overly trum worse instead of better. control” (may harm themselves tired, hungry, and irritable. Set a positive example for your and others). You also might say Although school-age children child by remaining in control of something like: “I can see you have developed stronger prob- yourself and your emotions. are angry right now and I am lem-solving skills, they are faced 2. Pause before you act. Take at going to hold you until you calm with increasingly complex social least 30 seconds to decide how down. I won’t let you hurt me or situations, and need to refine their you will handle the tantrum. anyone else.” Often this approach problem-solving skills. Learning Four possible ways to deal with can be comforting to a child. to get along with friends, work as a tantrum include: Children don’t like to be out of part of a team, or compete in a Distract—Try to get your control. It scares them. An adult sport requires skills that many child’s attention focused on who is able to take charge of the older kids haven’t fully developed something else. If your child situation, remain calm and in yet. Kids who have limited screams when you take away control, can be very reassuring. problem-solving skills or diffi- something unsafe (like mommy’s culty expressing themselves with 3. Wait until your child calms purse) offer something else to words are more likely to have down before talking about the play with. This technique works temper tantrums or fits of anger. situation. It’s difficult to reason well with toddlers. with a screaming child. Insist Remove—Take your child to on a cooling down period and a quiet, private place to calm follow-up with a discussion down. At home this may be the about behavior. Use this oppor- child’s room or a special “cooling tunity to teach your child down” place. Out in public it acceptable ways to handle anger may mean sitting outside for a and difficult situations. With few minutes or in the car. Avoid practice, preschoolers and trying to talk or reason with a school-agers can learn: screaming child. It doesn’t • How to ask for help, work! Stay nearby until your • When to go somewhere to child calms down. Then cool down, you can talk and return to • How to try a more successful whatever you were doing. way of doing something, and

258 A TCU/DATAR Manual • How to express their feelings • Offer real choices. Don’t say, ■ Read more about it! and emotions in words “Would you like to take your For more information on (rather than hitting, kicking, nap?” unless you are prepared helping children deal with anger or screaming). to honor your child’s choice not and learn self-control see exten- to nap. Instead try, “It’s nap 4. Comfort and reassure your sion publications: time now.” child. Tantrums scare most Getting Along series, PM 1650 - kids. They often are not able to • Choose your battles carefully. 1653 understand the reason for their Say “No” to things that are Understanding Children: Disciplin- anger and generally feel shaken really important. Avoid fighting ing preschoolers, PM 1529b when it is all over. They need over little things. Understanding Children: Disciplin- to know that you do not ap- • Give your child a few minutes ing your toddler, PM 1529c prove of their behavior, but warning before you end an Growing into Middle Childhood: 5- that you still love them. activity. Saying “We are going to to 8-year-olds, PM 1174a (cost) ■ leave the park and go home in a Growing out of Middle Childhood: 9- An ounce of few minutes,” or “I wonder what to 12-year-olds, PM 1174b (cost) prevention we can cook for supper when we Balancing Work and Family: Avoid- Tantrums are a normal part of get home,” helps your child get ing the morning rush, PM 404a growing up. All children will ready for change. Balancing Work and Family: Coming have them sometime. If tantrums • Help children not to “get in home and making the transition, seem to be happening often, you over their heads.” Children PM 1404f might consider the following need challenging activities, but Ages and Stages: 2-year-olds, suggestions. not so challenging that they PM 1530d • Study your child’s tantrums. experience overwhelming When and where do they frustration and failure. occur? Who is generally involved? What happens before, after, and during a tantrum? Often, looking for patterns can give you clues about conditions or situations that bring out the tantrum in your child. • Set realistic limits and help children stick to a regular routine. Predictable mealtimes and bedtimes are particularly important.

Partners in Parenting 259 Tantrums—A Plan of Action

When do tantrums occur?

Where do tantrums happen?

Who is generally included?

What happens before, after, and during a tantrum?

Things I can do to prevent a tantrum from occurring.

Ways that I can handle the tantrum when it occurs.

Written by Lesia Oesterreich, extension family life specialist. Illustrations by Lonna Nachtigal. Graphic design by Valerie Dittmer King.

File: Family life 8

. . . and justice for all The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) prohibits materials can be made available in alternative Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension discrimination in all its programs and activities on formats for ADA clients. To file a complaint of work, Acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, in the basis of race, color, national origin, gender, discrimination, write USDA, Office of Civil Rights, cooperation with the U.S. Department of Agricul- religion, age, disability, political beliefs, sexual Room 326-W, Whitten Building, 14th and Indepen- ture. Stanley R. Johnson, director, Cooperative orientation, and marital or family status. (Not all dence Avenue, SW, Washington, DC 20250-9410 or Extension Service, Iowa State University of Science prohibited bases apply to all programs.) Many call 202-720-5964. and Technology, Ames, Iowa. 10/99

260 A TCU/DATAR Manual Biting

You’ve just discovered that age do not always understand Cause and effect you have a pint-sized biter on the difference between gnawing About age 12 months infants your hands. on a toy and biting someone. become interested in finding out Isn’t it amazing how those tiny Teething what happens when they do teeth that once caused so much something. When they bang a Children generally begin excitement and celebration can spoon on the table, they dis- teething about age 4 to 7 now cause so much fear and cover that it makes a loud months. Swelling gums can be frustration? sound. When they drop a toy tender and can cause a great Biting, however, is quite from their crib, they discover deal of discomfort. Infants common among young children. sometimes find relief from this It happens for different reasons discomfort by chewing on with different children and something. Sometimes the under different circumstances. object they chomp on is a real Understanding the reason for person! Children this age may your child’s biting is the first not understand the difference step to changing his or her between chewing on a person or behavior. a toy. ■ Why children bite Exploration Infants and toddlers learn by touching, smelling, hearing, and tasting. If an infant is given a toy, one of the first places the infant puts it is in the mouth. Tasting or “mouthing” things is something that all children do. Children this

PM 1529a Reprinted October 1996 Partners in Parenting 261 that it falls. They also may is a quick way to become the Independence discover that when they bite center of attention, even if it is Toddlers are trying hard to be someone, they get a loud negative attention. independent. “Mine” and “Me scream of protest! Imitation do it” are favorite words. Learn- ing to do things without help, Attention Older toddlers love to imitate making choices, and needing Older toddlers may bite to others and find it a great way to control over a situation are part get attention. When children learn new things. Sometimes of growing up. Biting is a power- are in situations in which they children see others bite and ful way to control others. If you do not receive enough positive decide to try it themselves. attention and daily interaction, When an adult bites a child back want a toy or want a playmate they often find a way to make in punishment, it generally does to leave you alone or move out others sit up and take notice. not stop the biting, but rather of your way, biting helps you Being ignored is not fun. Biting teaches the child that biting is OK. get what you want.

Biting—What’s really happening? 1st Incident 2nd Incident 3rd Incident Where did the biting incident happen?

Who was involved?

When did the biting happen?

What happened before the biting incident?

What happened after? How was the situation handled?

Why do you think the biting might be happening? (You may want to review ideas in this publication.)

What will be your plan of action? Prevention ideas:______Teaching new behavior:______Try your action plan for at least a few weeks. Good luck!

262 A TCU/DATAR Manual Frustration ■ What parents can do Toddlers don’t have the skills or Young children often experi- What is really happening? understanding to negotiate or ence frustration. Growing up is Use the who, what, when, understand another child’s a real struggle. Drinking from a where, and how method to dis- point of view. cup is great, yet nursing or cover what is really happening. If attention seems to be the sucking from a bottle is also When does the biting occur? Who main cause for biting, try to wonderful. Sometimes it would is involved? Where does it hap- spend time with your child be nice to remain a baby. Tod- pen? What happens before or when he or she is doing more dlers don’t have good control afterward? How was the situation positive things. Snuggle up and over their bodies yet. A loving handled? read a book together or roll a pat sometimes turns into a push ball back and forth. This is much or a whack. Toddlers also don’t Try prevention more fun than giving or receiv- talk well yet. They have trouble If you determine that the biting ing a scolding. asking for things or requesting occurs as the result of exploration If the child is experiencing a help. They haven’t learned how or teething, you may want to stressful situation, make life as to play with others. When you provide the child with a cloth or supportive and normal as don’t have words to express teething ring to gnaw on. If your possible. Predictable meals and your feelings, sometimes you child seems to bite when tired or bedtimes, and extra time with a show others by hitting, pushing, hungry, you may want to look at loving adult can help. Some or biting. your daily routine to be sure that he or she is getting enough sleep activities can actually relieve Stress and nourishment. tension. Examples are rolling, A child’s world can be stressful If biting happens when two squishing, and pounding play at times. A lack of daily routine, children fight over a toy tele- interesting things to do, or adult phone, you may want to purchase interaction are stressful situations an extra toy telephone. for children. Events like death, Trying to make divorce, or a move to a new home very young also cause stress for children. children share Biting is one way to express simply does feelings and relieve tension. not work.

Partners in Parenting 263 dough, or relaxing and splash- Whenever the biter is out of ■ Read more about it! ing in the bathtub. It takes time control, you will need to restrain For more information about and patience, however, for or isolate the child until he or she children and families ask for the healing to occur in painful calms down. Insist on a “time situations like divorce or death. out” or “cooling-off period.” Wait following publications from your a few minutes until the child is county extension office. Teach new behavior under control and then talk to the 1-2-3 Grow (newsletter series When a child bites, use your toddler about his or her behavior. for toddler years), PM 1071a-h voice and facial expressions to (cost) show that biting is unacceptable. ■ Understanding Children: Disciplin- Speak firmly and look directly A final note ing your toddler, PM 1529c into the child’s eyes. For ex- Biting is a difficult and uncom- Child’s Play - Art, PM 1770a (cost) ample, you might say ”Sara, it’s fortable issue to deal with for Understanding Children: Language not OK to bite. It hurts Jon when parents. If your child is the victim, development, PM 1529f you bite him. He’s crying. If you you may feel angry and outraged. Child’s Play - Fingerplays Plus, PM need to bite, you can bite this If your child is the biter, you may 1770b (cost) (cloth, toy, food, etc.), but I feel embarrassed and frustrated. Ages and Stages, PM 1530a-i won’t let you bite Jon or another Take heart! Most toddlers who child.” If the child is able to talk, bite do so only a short while. you also might say, “You can tell Paying close attention to the Jon with your words that you reasons will help you come up with need him to move instead of some useful solutions. Soon your biting him. Say ‘Move, Jon.’” toddler will have learned impor- You also may want the biter tant new skills for communicating to help wash, bandage, and and getting along with others. comfort the victim. Making the biter a part of the comforting process is a good way to teach nurturing behavior.

File: Family life 8

Written by Lesia Oesterreich, exten- . . . and justice for all sion family life specialist. Edited by The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) prohibits W, Whitten Building, 14th and Independence Avenue, SW, discrimination in all its programs and activities on the basis of race, Washington, DC 20250-9410 or call 202-720-5964. 2/99 Muktha Jost. Illustrations by Lonna color, national origin, gender, religion, age, disability, political Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension work, Acts of Nachtigal. Graphic design by Valerie beliefs, sexual orientation, and marital or family status. (Not all May 8 and June 30, 1914, in cooperation with the U.S. prohibited bases apply to all programs.) Many materials can be made Department of Agriculture. Stanley R. Johnson, director, Dittmer King. available in alternative formats for ADA clients. To file a complaint Cooperative Extension Service, Iowa State University of Science of discrimination, write USDA, Office of Civil Rights, Room 326- and Technology, Ames, Iowa.

264 A TCU/DATAR Manual Toilet training

■ Ready or not? interested in learning to use the ___ show interest in the toilet or toilet. Learning new things is a potty chair? Learning to use the toilet is a full-time job for most toddlers big event in a young child’s ___Are bowel movements regular and toilet learning may not be as life—a sure sign of growing up. and predictable? (Some important as learning to climb, Most children are eager about children move their bowels jump, run, and talk. A toddler learning how to use the “potty” two to three times a day; who resists toilet training now and are quite proud of their others may go 2 to 3 days may be ready in 3 to 6 months, achievement. without a bowel movement.) then often learns almost overnight. Toilet teaching is easiest when ___Has your toddler asked to children are physically and ■ How do you tell if wear grown-up underwear? emotionally ready, which hap- If you answered “yes” to most pens between the ages of 2 and 3 your child is ready? of the questions, you may want to years. Girls usually gain physical introduce your child to toilet control over their bowel and Ask yourself the training. If you answered “no” to bladder muscles before boys do. following questions: many questions, wait a while On the average, most girls are Can my child: longer. Rushing a child 1 potty-trained by age 2 /2 and ___ follow simple directions? through toilet training most boys around the age of 3. will only result in ___ remain dry at least 2 hours at But don’t be alarmed if your tears and frustration. a time during the day? child doesn’t follow this pattern In fact, starting too closely; individual children mature ___ walk to and from the bath- soon may actually room, pull down pants, pull physically at different rates. delay learning. pants up? The secret to success is patience and timing. Emotional Does my child: readiness is also important. ___ remain dry during nap time? Many bright, normal, and ___ seem uncomfortable with healthy 3-year-olds may not be soiled or wet diapers?

Pm-1529k | Reprinted | June 1997 Partners in Parenting 265 When a child is truly ready, toilet use the toilet. If you are comfort- and make it easier for the child to training will seem much easier. able with the idea, it may be a “push” during a bowel movement. good idea to let the child watch The American Academy of Pedi- ■ Ten steps to toilet you use the toilet. Ideally, fathers atrics suggests that parents avoid learning should set an example for sons urine deflectors because they can and mothers should set an ex- cut a child who is climbing on or Step 1 ample for daughters. Children off a potty chair. You may want to Relax! A calm, easygoing also can learn about bathroom let your child practice sitting on approach to toilet training seems practices from older brothers, the potty fully clothed just to get to work best. Remember that learn- sisters, or relatives. used to the idea. ing to use the toilet takes time and that each child is different. If you Step 3 Step 6 find that one of your children Teach your toddler the words Begin reading potty books to learns to use the toilet at age 2 your family uses for body parts, your child. There are many 1 and another learns at age 3 /2, rest urine, and bowel movements. wonderful books about learning assured that you are not alone. Make sure it’s a word you feel to use the potty at your local comfortable with because others library or bookstore. Reading a Step 2 are sure to hear it. There is book together helps children Show children what they are nothing quite like a toddler understand the general process and to do in the bathroom. Toddlers loudly announcing in the check- that other children also learn to love to imitate adults or older out lane of the grocery store that use the potty. Book suggestions are children. Next time your toddler it’s time to go “Poo Poo!” listed later on in this publication. follows you into the bathroom, talk about what you do when you Step 4 Step 7 Help your child recognize Purchase training pants and when he or she is urinating or easy-to-remove clothing. Just having a bowel movement. getting to the potty on time is a Most children will grunt, squat, major task for most children. You turn red in the face, or simply can help make the job easier by stop playing for a moment. letting them wear pants that are Children need to be aware that easy to pull down, and by being they are urinating or having a around to assist. Avoid snaps, bowel movement before they can buttons, zippers, and belts. Some do anything about it. For most parents prefer to use diapers at children, bowel movements are first and then switch to training generally easier to recognize. pants when their child is urinating Step 5 in the potty several times a day. Borrow or purchase a potty Step 8 chair or a potty attachment for When your child tells you that the toilet. If you purchase a he or she needs to use the potty, potty attachment, be sure help with clothing and sit the to get one with a footrest. child on the potty for a few This will allow your child minutes. Stay with your child. It’s to sit more comfortably a good idea to keep a few books

266 A TCU/DATAR Manual close by. Reading a book together • If your are anticipating a new play with feces or urine; help makes the time go by easier and baby, moving to a new home, your child clean up the mess.Then takes the pressure off for an or another major life event, you you both can wash your hands immediate result. may want to wait a few months. with soap and water. It is gener- Toilet training is easiest when ally a good idea to help with Step 9 both parent and child can give clean-up and flushing during much After 4 to 5 minutes, help your it their full attention. of the toilet training process. child off the potty. Reward with hugs and praise if your child’s • Remember that it’s OK to keep ■ The big flush your child in diapers or dispos- efforts have been successful. Say Children often have one of two able training pants for sleeping. that he or she can try again later if reactions to flushing. Either they Nighttime control generally the child wasn’t successful. Don’t are fascinated by it (and would be comes many months after be surprised if your child has a willing to do it for hours) or they daytime control. bowel movement or urinates right are quite fearful. Children who • It may be helpful to use a after being taken off the toilet. enjoy flushing will often delight plastic mattress cover, table- This is not unusual. Accidents in emptying the potty chair into cloth, or shower curtain be- and near misses are generally not the toilet, waving bye-bye, and tween the sheet and mattress an act of stubbornness. It simply watching everything “flush until children gain nighttime takes time to learn this new skill. away.” control. If accidents seem to be frequent, it Children who are fearful prefer may be best to hold off and try • Treat accidents casually. Avoid that parents take charge of this toilet training a few months later. punishing, scolding, or sham- process. Before flushing the toilet, Step 10 ing. Give your child support by make sure the child is off the keeping an upbeat, positive Wipe your child carefully. potty attachment. Many children attitude. Wipe girls from front to back to are not only fearful of the noise prevent infection. Teach your ■ and swirling water, but also may child to always wash hands with Cleaning up think that they will be flushed soap and water after using the potty. Children often are quite curi- down too. Reassure your child ous about bowel movements. If that only body wastes and toilet ■ More ideas you find your child trying to paper will be flushed away. remove fecal material from the • If possible, plan to devote at toilet, or worse yet “finger paint- least 3 to 4 days to begin toilet ing” with it on the bathroom training. Maintaining the same floor, try to remain calm. Simply routine for 3 to 4 weeks also helps. explain that it’s not OK to • Some parents find it helpful to establish a routine by putting a child on the toilet for 3 to 4 minutes right after he or she gets up in the morning, before naps, after naps, after meals, and before bedtime. Realize however, that your child will not always use the potty.

Partners in Parenting 267 ■ A note about ■ Books for children Going to the Potty, Fred Rogers— Part of the Mister Rogers Neigh- No More Diapers, J.G. Brooks— bedwetting borhood First Experience series, A popular book with toddlers. Bedwetting is common in this colorful book discusses Toilet training is illustrated children under age 7. Remember toilet training. Photographs through two stories. The first that learning to control the blad- show children of all sizes, ages, story is about Johnny and the der generally comes after bowel and ethnic groups. second is about Susie. The text control. Many children who have KoKo Bear‘s New Potty, Vicki is simple and drawings are in mastered the toileting process Lansky—A “read together” black, white, and orange. during the day may not be able to book with cartoon bear illustra- Your New Potty, Joanna Cole— stay dry at night for many tions. A useful companion to This book tells the story of two months. Most children will Vicki Lansky’s Practical children, Ben and Steffie, who achieve nighttime dryness by age Parenting: Toilet Training. are learning to use their new 5, but one out of four children potties. Illustrated by colorful may continue to wet the bed for ■ photographs. Information for Books for parents several more years. parents is included in the Parents Book of Toilet Teaching, Bedwetting appears to be introduction. Uses adult terms Joanna Cole related to the size of the bladder, for elimination. Practical Parenting: Toilet Training, the amount of liquid consumed Once Upon a Potty, Alona Vicki Lansky before bedtime, and how soundly Frankel—Simple text with Toilet Learning, Alison Mack the child sleeps. Bedwetting also is more likely to occur when a cartoon-like illustrations. ■ child is ill, excited, or when a Available in both a boy’s and Read more about it! routine is upset. girl’s version as well as a book For more information about For children who tend to wet and toy package, complete with infants and toddlers, ask for these the bed, it may help to wake them an anatomically correct doll publications at your county exten- once during the night to use the and toy potty. sion office. toilet. An easy time to do this is All By Myself, Anna Grossnickle 1-2-3 Grow (newsletter series for just before parents go to bed. Hines—One of the few books toddler years), Pm-1071a-h (cost) Persistent bedwetting, particu- that talks about nighttime Understanding Children: Disciplining larly after age 7, may be caused dryness. Josie, like most chil- your toddler, Pm-1529c by an infection and a physician dren, has successfully mastered A Parent’s Guide to Children’s should be consulted. daytime control, but at night Weight, NCR-374 still needs help from her Understanding Children: Fears, mother to get to the bathroom. Pm-1529d In time she learns how to Ages and Stages, Pm-1530 manage by herself.

File: Family life 8

Written by Lesia Oesterreich, exten- . . . and justice for all Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension work, sion family life specialist. Edited by The Iowa Cooperative Extension Service’s Acts of May 8 and June 30, 1914, in cooperation with programs and policies are consistent with pertinent the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Stanley R. Muktha Jost. Illustrations by Lonna federal and state laws and regulations on Johnson, director, Cooperative Extension Service, Nachtigal. Graphic design by Valerie nondiscrimination. Many materials can be made Iowa State University of Science and Technology, Dittmer King. available in alternative formats for ADA clients. Ames, Iowa.

268 A TCU/DATAR Manual Children and Sleep

hildren have amazing amounts of energy. They with pillows or stuffed toys. These could cover a can play for hours and don’t want to miss out child’s airway. C on anything going on around them. In fact, if adults don’t intervene, most children will bypass naps Babies in the first year still sleep a lot. They need at and put off bedtime for as long as possible. least two naps a day, one in the morning and one in the afternoon, each lasting from one to three hours. However, regular rest and sleep are necessary. Just as food is needed for energy and growth, sleep allows Toddlers between ages two and three may sleep 9 the body to relax and refuel for the next burst of en- to 13 hours a day. Many toddlers will take one long ergy. Children who do not learn how to rest and relax nap around lunchtime. Or, they may take two at naptime often become overly tired and have trouble shorter naps. going to sleep at night. Preschoolers, ages four and five, need at least 10 to Parents/caregivers also need a chance to relax and 12 hours of sleep each night. Some will take naps but have some “down time.” After a respite during others will resist going to sleep. naptime or a well-deserved night’s sleep, adults will be better prepared to interact with children. Routines Routines are important for children. Knowing what to Sleep Needs expect helps them feel more secure. Routines help Young children need lots of sleep. They can’t get by children develop self-control, independence, responsi- on a few hours like adults tend to do. It is not realistic bility, decision-making, and problem-solving skills. to expect children to operate on the same sleep schedule as adults. Naptime and bedtime routines should be a positive time for both adults and children. A set sleeping Newborn babies will sleep about 16 hours a day at routine can help lessen sleeping problems. first. But remember each baby requires a different amount of sleep. Parents/caregivers will soon learn An important concept to consider is the difference what is “normal” for a particular child. Babies don’t between putting a child to bed and putting a child to know the difference between night and day and will sleep. It is the adult’s responsibility to put a child to sometimes get them mixed up, sleeping more during bed. Then the child has a choice to either rest or sleep. the day and less at night. No one can make a child sleep.

Place healthy babies on their backs when putting There are several things a parent/caregiver can do to them down to sleep. Research indicates this action establish a calming naptime/bedtime routine. can reduce the risk of sudden infant death syndrome Although each child and family situation is unique, (SIDS). Do not put babies to sleep on soft surfaces or the following ideas may be helpful.

Pm 1784 June 1999

Partners in Parenting 269 • Give children some transition time. Say, “it’s As children grow and develop, their sleep patterns naptime in 10 minutes” or “after I read you a and needs will probably change. Other situations also story, it will be time to go to sleep.” It may help to can cause a disruption. These include a new bed; a use a timer or set the alarm on a clock so children new room or sleeping arrangement; moving to a new will know when time is up. home; disruption in family relationships (new baby, divorce, death, marriage); absence of a family mem- • Set rules about number of stories, drinks of water, ber or pet; or a change in daytime schedule. popping out of bed, etc.

• Plan a wind-down or calming activity. Read a Common Problems story, turn down the lights, play quiet music, or Children often wake and call for a parent/caregiver just talk. TV, movies, roughhousing, or active while sleeping. When this happens, give the child games are not good choices prior to naptime or some time to go back to sleep. If crying or calling bedtime. persists, check on the child. Reassure the child that everything is all right and then leave. Sleeping with • Allow children to have some security – favorite the child, giving treats, taking the child to parents’ stuffed animals, blankie, night light, the door bed, etc. will only reward the child and start habits open, flashlight by the bed. that will be difficult to break. Night terrors and nightmares are a fairly common • Talk about fears and anxieties. Do a “monster occurrence in children. Children having night check” if that seems to be a concern. terrors will wake up suddenly soon after falling asleep. Children may scream, sit up in bed, breathe • Avoid activities that compete with resting or going quickly, be glassy eyed, and also be confused. This to sleep. Have adults and older children observe can last up to 30 minutes. Children will fall back to similar quiet time. This will encourage the little sleep quickly and will wake in the morning not ones to go to sleep. Remember, they don’t want to remembering anything. miss out on anything exciting. Children having nightmares can remember the scary • Decide on a regular bedtime that is approximately details and have trouble going back to sleep. Night- 10 to 12 hours before the child needs to get up. If mares usually happen in the early morning hours. a child is getting up too early, he may be going to Nightmares are often the result of events, situations, bed too soon. On the other hand, if a child is or images that trouble a child. Children will have grumpy or drowsy, he may not be getting to bed nightmares more often when anxious or under stress. early enough. Parents/caregivers should remain calm when chil- • Adjust daytime naps to support the bedtime dren have night terrors or nightmares. Hold the schedule. Remember naptime is a time for rest child and talk in a soothing voice. Stay with the and relaxing. Children may or may not actually child until he/she falls asleep because he/she needs sleep during naptime. to feel safe and secure.

Learning how to rest and relax is a valuable skill. Balancing active and quiet times helps people stay well both physically and emotionally.

Prepared by Donna K. Donald, Field Specialist/Family Life, Iowa State University Extension.

. . . and justice for all The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) prohibits discrimination in all its Building, 14th and Independence Avenue, SW, Washington, DC 20250-9410 or programs and activities on the basis of race, color, national origin, gender, call 202-720-5964. religion, age, disability, political beliefs, sexual orientation, and marital or family Issued in furtherance of Cooperative Extension work, Acts of May 8 and June 30, status. (Not all prohibited bases apply to all programs.) Many materials can be 1914, in cooperation with the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Stanley R. made available in alternative formats for ADA clients. To file a complaint of Johnson, director, Cooperative Extension Service, Iowa State University of discrimination, write USDA, Office of Civil Rights, Room 326-W, Whitten Science and Technology, Ames, Iowa.

270 A TCU/DATAR Manual Childhood stress—what parents can do

All families experience stress or crisis at some time or another. Natural disasters, death, divorce, illness, and financial hardships sometimes are especially difficult to deal with when you have young children. The following suggestions may help.

Spend time each day with your child Take care of yourself You have a tremendous influence on the growth and Stressful times can bring major changes in life. Just development of your child. Even if everything else is when you most need to relax, you feel so many falling apart around you, find time to spend at least a demands that you think you can’t take the time. You few minutes each day with your child. A few loving may be so used to physical work and mental tension words, a hug, and a kiss can work wonders. that you are unable to sleep. The key to successful relaxation is that it be enjoyable and easy. You also Be consistent in what you ask your child to do must feel that it’s OK to relax. It is! In order for you to Children have little control over life. They need to perform well under pressure, your mind and body know that you are predictable and that they can must have time for renewal. Take 20 minutes a day depend on you. Children can settle down after a for a restful activity—you might walk, lose yourself crisis more easily if you establish some daily rou- in a book, draw mental pictures, or just sit comfort- tines as quickly as possible. Even though the routine ably in uninterrupted quiet. When you feel fatigued, is not the same as before, it’s good to find a regular give in to the need to sleep. Even though you think time for meals and bedtime. you can’t stop in the middle of work—you should stop. Forcing yourself to continue when the body Get to know your child’s teacher or caregiver needs to sleep can lead to insomnia. Share information about the family and daily routines with your child’s teacher or caregiver. Let this Don’t be afraid to ask for help person know what difficulties and problems your Someone else may need your help later on. You’ll child is facing. This will help a teacher or caregiver be in a better position to offer help to them if you know how to help your child in daily tasks and in can reach out for help now. Most communities have learning new skills and behaviors. resources to provide your family with food, clothing, shelter, counseling, job referral, and training. Friends Ease the transition from home to school and relatives can be a big support, if you let them Children will feel more comfortable and secure at know what you need. Children begin to relax and care centers and schools if small reminders of their feel secure when they sense an easing of tension in child care or school life are placed in the home. their parents. Perhaps you can hang some pictures your child drew at school. You might take some snapshots of Prepared by extension specialists at Iowa State University. your child’s classmates and teachers and display them at home. Ask your child’s teacher if he or she . . . and justice for all The Iowa Cooperative Extension Service’s programs and policies are could bring a favorite toy or familiar object from consistent with pertinent federal and state laws and regulations on home to school. nondiscrimination regarding race, color, national origin, religion, sex, age and disability.

Cooperative Extension Service, Iowa State University of Science and Technology and the United States Department of Agriculture cooperating. Robert M. Anderson, Jr., director, Ames, Iowa. Distributed in furtherance of the Acts of Congress of May 8 and June 30, 1914.

Recovery-17 | August 1993

Partners in Parenting 271