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The Proceedings Of the association for computational heresy presents a record of the proceedings of SIGBOVIK 2017 the eleventh annual intercalary robot dance party in celebration of workshop on symposium about 26th birthdays; in particular, that of harry q. bovik carnegie mellon university pittsburgh, pa april 0, 2017 i SIGBOVIK A Record of the Proceedings of SIGBOVIK 2017 ISSN 2155-0166 April 0, 2017 Copyright is maintained by the individual authors, though obviously this all gets posted to the Internet and stuff, because it’s 2017. Permission to make digital or hard copies of portions of this work for personal use is granted; permission to make digital or hard copies of portions of this work for classroom use is also granted, but seems ill-advised. Abstracting with credit is permitted; abstracting with credit cards seems difficult. Additional copies of this work may be ordered from Lulu; refer to http://sigbovik.org for details. ii SIGBOVIK 2017 Message from the Organizing Committee th hese are the proceedings of the Ï«ÏÏ annual conference of the Special Interest Group on Harry Q.Ï Bovik, organised by the Association for Computational Heresy in honour of Harry Q. Bovik’s E.«...th birthday. «Ï; was a monumental year for SIGBOVIK. We experienced a factor of Ï, increase in submis- sions over last year, that’s to say, we received t,««« submissions. For your convenience, we made a histogram showing the number of submissions across time in Figure Ï. As much as we would have liked to accept all of these scientific breakthroughs, they would have caused our proceedings to weigh about ÊEÊ lbs or t kg, and face it, nobody needs that heavy of a paper paperweight. t«,««« s ion ss mi «,««« f sub o ber m Ï«,««« u N « E E EE EÊ ;« ; ; Harry Q. Bovik’s age at the submission deadline Figure Ï: Number of SIGBOVIK submissions across time Our reviewers tirelessly reviewed these submissions, and concluded that only Ѐ of them were truly worthy of being accepted for inclusion in the SIGBOVIK proceedings. “What, if anything, is epsilon?”, you might ask. In this case, it so happens that Ѐ = «.««Ï, a value of Ѐ found in the wild in the C++ species of programs .ì of the time, according to seminal work published in the proceedings of SIGBOVIK ÏIn case you were wondering: Quahaug. Assuming a page weight of . grams, double-sided printing, and an average of pages per submission. his corresponds to a bit more than the weight of a Kodiak bear (Ursus arctos middendorffi) [WikÏ;], pictured le. iii «Ï [PhDÏ, Figure E]. Comparing the SIGBOVIK «Ï; acceptance rate with the acceptance rates of other “prestigious” computer science conferences (Table Ï), we see that SIGBOVIK is anywhere from ÏE times (SIGCOMM) to Êt times (SODA) more prestigious than other top computer science conferences. Conference Name Year Acceptance rate FOCS «ÏE ;.;ì ICML «ÏE ì POPL «ÏE tì SODA «ÏE Ê.tì SOSP «Ï Ï;ì STOC «ÏE .ì SIGCOMM «ÏE ÏE.ì VLDB «ÏE Ï.ì Table Ï: Acceptance rates at “prestigious” computer science conferences SIGBOVIK used a new submissions website this year. Woven from the finest spider webs by Jordan Brown and Jean Yang, this website survived a DoS attack from the PCˆWˆWˆWˆWˆWˆWˆW successfully handled t,««« totally genuine submissions. We are grateful for their support and for letting us stress-test their soware. We hope that you will find the seminal works below informative and illustrative of the high-calibre research SIGBOVIK has become known for. From breakthroughs in debugging to new advances in impure math and game theory, we are sure there will be something of interest for everybody.t Our thanks to the volunteers who made SIGBOVIK possible. In particular, we would like to thank Sol Boucher for assembling these proceedings; Brandon Bohrer, Stefan Muller, and Ben Blum for reviewing papers and ensuring SIGBOVIK accepts only the highest calibre research; Carlo Angiuli for maintaining the SIGBOVIK website and his helpful advice; Chris Yu for the artwork; Catherine Copetas for managing SIGBOVIK finances and other administrative concerns; Ryan Kavanagh for organising the organisers; and last, but not least, the authors, without whom none of this would be possible. he SIGBOVIK «Ï; Organising Committee Pittsburgh, PA References [PhDÏ] Dr. Tom Murphy VII Ph.D. “What, if anything, is epsilon?” In: A Record of the Proceedings of SIGBOVIK «Ï. Apr. «Ï, pp. t–;. [WikÏ;] Wikipedia. Kodiak bear.Mar. «Ï;. o!v: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kodiak_ bear. tAnd if you can’t find something you’re interested in, you should have submitted it! iv These papers are so awesome few can bear to look away! Bear track: Strong Accept 3 1 IsthistheshortestSIGBOVIKpaper? . 4 2 I’m on vacation so I’m submitting a vacation picture instead of a paper, or, perhaps, a vacation photo in the format of a paper; I hope a predatory open access journal e-mails me about this article . ...... 6 Mule track: I’m Going to Use This! 7 3 Whosortsthesorters?.............................. 8 4 Objectionability: A computational view of mathematical computation . 12 5 Towards a well-defined and secure flirtation protocol . ........ 15 6 Asolutiontothetwo-bodyproblem . 22 Magpie track: Who Said Money Can’t Buy... 27 7 CallForPartners: Romancewithrigor. ... 28 8 Nano electronic transplant in brain and eyes to analyze and process human thoughtsandemotions .............................. 34 9 Grant proposal: Monetary policy of sparkly things . ....... 36 Monkey track: It’s Only a Game Theory 39 10 Is it Percival time yet?: A preliminary analysis of Avalon gameplay and strategy 40 11 Dr. Boozehead, or How I learned to stop worrying and get drunk: Design principles and analysis of drinking games in the silicon age .......... 47 12 A boring follow-up paper to “Which ITG stepcharts are turniest?” titled, “Which ITG stepcharts are crossoveriest and/or footswitchiest?”....... 54 Dog track: Nonstandard ML 63 13 Batch normalization for improved DNN performance, my ass . ....... 64 14 Coloneldensityestimation. ... 66 15 Degenerativeadversarialnetworks . ..... 68 16 Stopping GAN violence: Generative unadversarial networks ......... 76 1 Groundhog track: Putting the “Under” in “Image Understanding” 83 17 DeepDoggo: Learning the answer to “Who’s a good dog?” . ..... 84 18 eeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeee eeee eeeee eeeee ee eeeeee ............................... 88 19 Distinguishing humans from other forms of cattle . ........ 94 Chipmunk track: New and “Improved” Languages 101 20 OntheTuringcompletenessofMSPowerPoint . .... 102 21 Effectivemulti-threadinginBefunge . ..... 107 22 Automatic distributed execution of LLVM code using SQL JIT compilation 114 23 WysiScript: Programming via direct syntax highlighting . .......... 119 24 ZM˜˜# PRinty# CwithABC!.................... 129 Insect track: Debugging 149 25 Amazon Web Services: Field observations related to arachnid cohabitation . 150 26 BlackberryDebugging .............................. 153 Moose track: Impure Math and \Big Data 157 27 Fakenewslogic.................................. 158 28 RRR for UUU: Exact analysis of pee queue systems with perfect urinal etiquette163 29 Thenext700typesystems ........................... 169 30 A modular approach to state-of-the-art big data visualization . 172 31 Efficient computation of an optimal portmantout . ...... 176 Raccoon track: Talkin’ Trash 191 32 Garbage collection for heaps only a mother could love . ........ 192 33 A new paradigm for robotic dust collection: Theorems, user studies, and a fieldstudy..................................... 194 Cat track: Work-stealingsaving 199 34 The Zero-color Theorem: An optimal poster design algorithm ........ 200 35 Cerebralgenus: Deadduckorphoenix? . 203 2 Bear track Strong Accept 1 Is this the shortest SIGBOVIK paper? Joe Doyle 2 I’m on vacation so I’m submitting a vacation picture instead of a paper, or, perhaps, a vacation photo in the format of a paper; I hope a predatory open access journal e-mails me about this article Jim McCann 3 1 Is This the Shortest SIGBOVIK Paper? Joe Doyle March 7, 2017 Maybe not. 1 4 CONFIDENTIAL COMMITTEE MATERIALS SIGBOVIK 2017 Paper Review Paper 14: Is This the Shortest SIGBOVIK Paper? Reviewer φ Rating: e/π Confidence: ǫ While the importance of this work to the SIGBOVIK community can’t be debated (because we have no established protocol for such a debate), it is not novel. The content of this paper is en- tirely contained within the papers “The Portmantout” from SIGBOVIK 2015, “A shortmantout” from SIGBOVIK 2016 and “Efficient Computation of an Optimal Portmantout” from the present SIGBOVIK. It should therefore only be accepted if our goal is to increase our page count which, as always, it is. 5 I’m on Vacation So I’m Submitting A Vacation Picture Instead Of A Paper,2 Or, Perhaps, A Vacation Photo In The Format Of A Paper; I Hope A Predatory Open Access Journal E-Mails Me About This Article. Jim McCann∗ TCHOW llc Figure 1: At the “Inventions” buffet in Hotel Disneyland. ∗e-mail: [email protected] 6 Mule track I’m Going to Use This! 3 Who sorts the sorters? Alexander R. Frieder 4 Objectionability: A computational view of mathematical com- putation Cameron Wong and Dez Reed 5 Towards a well-defined and secure flirtation protocol Rowan Copley 6 A solution to the two-body problem Brandon Bohrer 7 3 Who sorts the sorters? Alexander R. Frieder∗ March 31, 2017 1 Introduction In this paper, we will review a variety of sort- ing algorithms and evaluate their performance Any introductory programming class will cover on large randomly sorted arrays of numbers. We the basics of different sorting algorithms. Sorting will then use the more general version of sort- algorithms are the perfect introduction to algo- ing to compare each sorting algorithm with each rithmic analysis for a multitude of reasons. First, other to correctly evaluate which sorting algo- there are straightforward proofs of the lower- rithm is the best for sorting sorting algorithms. bound in terms of performance, thus we can eas- Finally, we will use the same algorithms to de- ily teach students that O(n log(n)) sorts are op- termine which sorting algorithm is best for de- timal algorithmically.
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