Amazing Grace

The Nature and Significance of Reported After-Death Communication Experiences

Elizabeth C. Keane

Doctor of Philosophy 2005 University of Western Sydney

Acknowledgments

I am very grateful to the many people who encouraged and supported me during my doctoral studies.

I am indebted to my supervisor, Dr. John Cameron, who offered wise and thoughtful critiques of my work throughout the process of writing the thesis. Because of his reliability and engagement I always felt supported and encouraged. I could not have done it without him. Thank you John.

Very special thanks go to the participants who generously shared their communication experiences. They gave freely of themselves to help others better understand this amazing and helpful human experience. Their stories are the heart of this study.

Thanks to my family, especially Joan and Margaret, who always were so interested, offering loving encouragement, help and comment, at different times. Thanks too, to my friends who always wanted to know how the process was going and kept assuring me they were waiting eagerly to read the finished product – a new area of experience for most of them. Special thanks to my family and friends on the other side. I experienced their presence and assistance during this project.

I would like to express my appreciation to the University of Western Sydney for a scholarship. It assisted me in the final months of my journey.

Last but not least deep gratitude to my husband. Most of the time I worked at home. Ross supported me through the ups and downs of the process, offering much encouragement and help, love and patience, believing and trusting I would eventually get there. Chanel, our dog, also was a constant and valued companion who sat under my desk and often wanted a walk when I needed a break.

Statement of Originality

This thesis is original research. It has not been submitted for credit toward any other degree at this or any other educational institution.

Signature ……………………………………………….

Date……………………………………………………..

Table of Contents

Abstract…………..…………………………………………….iv Chapter One: Introduction ……………………………………..1 Purpose of the Study ……………………..…………… ...1 ADC Defined for the Study ………………………..……. 2 Personal Context ……………………………………….…5 A Wider Context ………………………..……………….10 Significance of the Study ………………………..………12 Overview of Thesis ……………………………………...14

Chapter Two: Review of Literature ……….………………..…21 Introduction ……………………………………………...21 Religious Context ……………………………………… 22 Early Research: 1882-1960 ………………………...……25 The Society for Psychical Research …………………. 25 Frederic Myers’ Synthesis ………………………….…30 William James and the Importance of Experience …... 32 Jung’s Stance of Openness ……………...…………… 34 Modern Research: 1960-1990 …………………………...38 Beyond Hallucinations ………..…………..…………. 38 The Near Death Experience and the ADC ………….. 42 Elisabeth Kubler Ross – Death, Dying and the ADC .. 43 Reasons for ADC ……………………………………. 45 Recent Research: 1990-2004 ………………………..…..46 Issue of Terminology …………………………………48 Recent Significant Researchers ……………………….48 Types of ADC Experiences Reported …………………...52 Sensing a Presence ……………………………………52 Dreams of the Deceased ………………………………54 Sense of Smell ……………… ….…………………….57 Feeling a Touch ……………………………………….57 The Auditory Experience ……………………………..58 The Visual Experience ………………………………..59 Other Types of Experience ……………………………61 Grief and the ADC Experience ………………………62 Difficulty of Sharing the ADC ………………………..67 ADC as Paranormal and Transpersonal …………………..68 Summary…………………………………………….…..….75

Chapter Three: Methodology ……………………………………79 Research Approach …………………………………..……79 Transpersonal Psychological ………………………… 80 Qualitative ………………………………..……….…. 81 Constructivist …………………………..……………..82 Phenomenological …………………………….………83 Research Design …………………………………..………91 Selecting Participants and Gathering Data …………….91 Process of Data Analysis .…………………… ….……96

Chapter Four: The Participants’ Stories: Spouses …………...... 102 Introduction ……………………………………………...102 Shirley …………………………………………………...103 Helen ………………………… …………………………111 Charles …………………………………………………..115 Bernadette ……………………………………………….121 Rodicca …….……………………………………………133 Jean-Marie ………………………………………………140

Chapter Five: The Participants’ Stories: Parents ……………… 146 Linda ……………………………………………………146 Laura ……………………………………………………154 Judy ……………………………………………………..160 Carla …………………………………………..…….…..167 Jan…... ………………...………………………………..176 Gillian………………………………..……………….….184 Barry……………………………………………..……...189 Joan ………………………………………..……..……..198

Chapter Six: The Participants’ Stories: Other Relationships.….202 Marlene.……………………………………………...….202 Jenny.………………………………………………...… 208 Alice…………………………………….…………….....212 Marianne…………………………………………………221 Reflection……………………………………………..…228

Chapter Seven: The ADC Experience: Themes and Relationship With Previous Research ……….230 Startling…………………………………..………….… 232 Authentic …..………………..…………………….……..238 Caring…………….…………………….………..……… 244 Grappling…………………………………….…….……..249 Imprinting……....……………….………………..……...255 Transcending……………………………………….…….258 Expanding ………….……………………….………… 267 A Reflection …………………………………………... 271

Chapter Eight: After-Effects of the ADC Experience and Discussion…………………..…...……...... 272 Experience of Grief ……………………………………..273 Difficulty of Sharing Experience……….………………..285 Attitudes toward Death and Afterlife …………………...288 Self, Life and Living, Purpose and Meaning…………….296 Spiritual and Religious Understanding…………………..304 Psychic Sensitivity…………………………………….....311 Reflection………………………………………………...316

Chapter Nine: In Conclusion…………………………………….317 An Essential Description of the ADC Experience……….317 Concluding Reflections………………………….……….319

References:………………………………………………………..328

Appendices: Appendix A: Participant Information Sheet and Consent Form …336 Appendix B: Types of ADC Experiences Reported ……………...338

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Abstract

The purpose of this qualitative study is to describe the nature and significance of the after-death communication experience (ADC). The research asks what is it like to have an experience of communication with a deceased loved one, what is the essential nature of the experience, and what are the effects and meanings of the experience within the lives of the participants?

This study explores the lived experiences of eighteen participants, sixteen women and two men, who report a variety of ADCs over the years following their bereavement. The ADCs are explored within the context of the participants’ lives so as to show how these extraordinary experiences can be understood as happening to real people within their own history rather than as isolated events. The first part of the thesis gives biographical descriptions of the participants’ lives following their ADCs.

The second part of the thesis analyses the essential nature and qualities of the ADC experience and gives a robust description of the nature of the phenomenon. Phenomenological analysis of the data occurs in overlapping steps consisting of the individual descriptions, reduction techniques and the identification of unifying themes. A process of reflective synthesis results in the emergence of seven themes describing the essence of the experiences for these participants.

The themes show the experiences are unexpected and startling and intrude into ordinary experience. Familiar characteristics authenticate the presence of the deceased. Information, care, love and ongoing relationship are conveyed. The participants grapple with the experiences over time. They find they are deeply imprinted and powerful, and produce immediate and long-term effects. Heightened awareness that transcends ordinary experience gives the bereaved a ‘knowing’ of the ongoing life of their loved one. Expanded consciousness and

reflection lead to seeing reality as larger and more complex and includes an unseen world where their loved one is continuing to live in another form. The themes are illustrated using the participants’ descriptions of their ADCs. Last of all a description of the phenomenon is compiled using an intuitive reflective process.

Powerful and transforming after-effects demonstrate that the ADCs contribute to managing grief in the major losses of the participants’ lives, to the allaying of fears of death, to belief in an after-life and to belief in the interconnectedness and continuity of relationships across the boundary of death. There are major changes in sense of self, life and living, purpose and meaning, spiritual and religious understanding, and psychic sensitivity.

Chapter One Introduction

The After-Death Communication Experience (ADC), experiencing the presence of a deceased loved one, is an infrequent happening for most people during their lives. However in times of grief following the death of a loved one it is a quite commonly reported event. Despite this it does not have a high degree of public acceptance nor is it spoken about easily by those who report these experiences. It is an extraordinary and amazing experience that is not easily explained. Although there has been a burgeoning of interest in the phenomenon in the last fifteen years, it is still under-researched. Its prevalence, and its significance and helpfulness to those who are mourning the loss of a loved one, makes it a phenomenon which merits deeper study.

I was led into this research because of my desire to find out more about this phenomenon and to understand it. My own experiences of the deaths of members of my family and the subsequent surprising and unexpected experiences of their presence led me into a search for others who had also had experiences of after- death communication. It was the beginning of a fascinating journey that has finally resulted in the presentation of the findings in the chapters of this research inquiry.

Purpose of the Study Attitudes to death in society, both fearful and denying, and the general reluctance of survivors to talk about ADC encounters with deceased loved ones, have meant there is little awareness in the general domains of public knowledge concerning this phenomenon. Although there have been a number of studies of the after- death communication experience or ADC, as it has come to be popularly termed, previous research has focused most on the effect of the experience on the grieving process. Research has also explored the different types of experiences, the

frequency of the experiences and the types of experiences within different populations.

I had read quite widely but still did not feel I had substantial answers to my questions. My purpose in doing the study was to find some deeper understanding of the phenomenon. I invited people who were bereaved and who had had one or more of these extraordinary experiences to tell me their stories of the phenomenon and its consequences within their life story. There were several questions I was seeking to find answers to: What is the essential nature of the experience of after death communication? What is the actual experience like? How do those who have these experiences feel about them? What differences do they really make in people’s lives? What is it that makes them so hard to talk about?

Stephen Braude (1996) in an article, ‘Post Mortem Survival: The State of the Debate’, wrote that a problem with the literature on survival is that ‘authors who personally investigate cases tend not to probe beneath the psychological surface. As a result, ‘subjects and relevant others appear to be mere psychological stick figures, as if they are little more than merely potential emitters of (or vehicles for) psychic functioning’ (p.181). This struck a chord for me. By going beneath the surface to understand more about the persons who have these experiences, particularly when there are a number of experiences over time, my intention was to enable the participants to emerge as real people. I wanted to hear their thoughts and feelings about the experiences and the learning and changes that happened as the effects and implications of their encounters enhanced or challenged their prior understandings, beliefs, and ways of living their lives.

After-Death Communication (ADC) defined for the Study The term ‘After-Death Communication’ was coined by Bill and Judy Guggenheim in their ADC Project begun in May 1988. Drawing on their work I have defined an encounter with the deceased or After-Death Communication for this study as: An ADC experience occurs when a person is contacted directly and

spontaneously by a deceased family member or friend. In this definition the living person does not actively seek to contact the deceased. The ADC is spontaneous – and occurs whether the recipient is actively mourning the death of the loved one or not. They are found to occur most frequently in the earlier stages of the grieving journey.

ADCs are extraordinary experiences that take many forms. These include sensing the presence of the deceased, feeling a touch, smelling a perfume, hearing a voice or seeing the deceased. The bereaved person may meet the loved one in a vision or dream. There may be a series of events linked by synchronicity or symbolic manifestations of presence which are recognized by the bereaved person as unmistakably characteristic of the deceased. Psychokinetic events, and energetic bodily sensations also provide messages about the presence of the deceased. There are also reported cases of recipients writing complete scripts from thoughts conveyed directly to their mind. Third and fourth party ADCs are also reported where the deceased contacts the loved one through another person, directly and spontaneously, with a message for the loved one. Some researchers (LaGrand, 1999) would prefer to label these phenomena Extraordinary Experiences (EE) of the bereaved and dispense with the term ADC. However this broader term, EE of the bereaved, loses the specificity and meaning of ADC as defined in this study so I have not used it.

The ADC sits under a broader umbrella of death-related experiences that are named and defined in different ways by different researchers and practitioners in the field. Under this broader umbrella of death-related experiences there are death bed-visions (DBVs), near-death experiences (NDEs), out-of-body experiences (OBEs), precognitive encounters and the ‘death coincidence’ - an experience of communication from the dying or deceased person occurring within twelve hours before or after the death of a person.

Communications around the time of death are frequently occurring experiences and are difficult to place solely in one category and the exact time of death is often difficult to determine. They can be identified as death coincidences when they occur within twelve hours of the death. They can be identified as death-bed visions (DBVs) when they occur at the death-bed or at a distance at the time of death. If the percipient has the experience while the perceived is alive, it is by definition a DBV. If the perceived has died it is an ADC. In this study three participants shared experiences which occurred at a distance around the time of death. As it was clear to these participants that these communications were a sign that the loved one had indeed died they have been included in this study as ADCs occurring very soon after the death.

Two participants shared experiences with siblings that occurred while they were present with their sibling around the time of the death. These experiences are similar in some respects to the ADC experiences, although are more correctly defined as death-bed visions (DBVs) of the living. I have included accounts of these experiences because they are part of the stories that were shared with me but also, more importantly, they illustrate in their differences and similarities a way of more deeply understanding the ADC experience (see Theme Six – Transcending).

Another reported form of after-death communication occurs when persons consult a spiritual medium to act as a channel of communication between themselves and a deceased person. This form of communication with the deceased is not included within my definition for this study because it is not spontaneous and it brings the complex role of a medium into play. Some participants, following their ADCs, chose to go to a medium. Although I have included these accounts in the unfolding of their stories as they told them to me, they have not been part of the analysis of the nature of the ADC experiences as defined for the research. Other forms of communication which also have not been included in the research are those which come through electronic devices and are known as Electronic Voice Communication and Instrumental TransCommunication (EVP/ITC). Participants

in my research did not report such communications. It is an area for continuing future research (Fontana 2004).

Personal Context In 1973 my mother unexpectedly had a cerebral hemorrhage in Melbourne. I was living in Perth at the time. My family rang to say she was critically ill. An hour later as I was preparing to book a flight to Melbourne I had a strong experience of my mother ‘passing through’ and saying to me in my mind, ‘All the things I’ve worried about don’t really matter.’ Not long after I received a call to say she had died. It was a surprising and unexpected, puzzling, yet comforting experience. I felt she had come to say goodbye. Of all she could have said this was certainly my mother. She did worry a lot about things that did not matter. I shared what happened with my family and a close friend but none of them had had a similar experience. So I stored it away, wondered if I had imagined it, and brought it out for reflection every now and then. It became the beginning of a journey.

A year later I read Raymond Moody’s Life after Life (1976), a ground breaking account of Near-Death Experiences. Because of my personal faith I believed in an afterlife but had no idea what it could really be. The stories in his book opened my mind to a completely new understanding about death and what continuity of life might mean. One story that claimed my attention was a woman who described her experience. I had a heart attack and found myself in a black void. I knew I had left my physical body behind. I knew I was dying. I thought, ‘God, I did the best I knew how at the time I did it, please help me.’ Immediately I was moved out of the blackness, through a pale grey and I just went on, gliding and moving swiftly. In front of me, in the distance, I could see a grey mist and I was rushing toward it. It seemed I couldn’t get to it fast enough. As I got closer I could see through it. Beyond the mist I could see people. Their forms were just like they are on earth, and I could see something which one could take to be buildings. The whole thing was permeated with the most gorgeous light – a living, golden yellow glow, and a pale colour, not like the harsh cold colour we know on earth.

As I approached more closely, I felt certain I was going through the mist. It was such a wonderful, joyous feeling. There are just no words in human language to describe it. Yet it wasn’t my time to go through the mist. Instantly on the other side appeared my Uncle Carl, who had died many years earlier. He blocked my path saying: ‘Go back. Your work on earth has not yet been completed. Go back now.’ I didn’t want to go but had no choice. Immediately I was in my body. I felt that horrible pain in my chest and I heard my little boy crying, ‘God, bring my mummy back to me’ (Moody 1976, p. 75-76).

I wondered what my mother’s experience might have been. This interconnection between my mother’s death and the stories I had read in Moody’s book was the beginning of a fascination with wanting to know what happens to people after they die. Life went on and these thoughts bubbled away underneath. Eight years later my sister died when I was overseas. I had been worrying about her as she had been unhappy in her life circumstances.

Eight months after my sister’s death, on the anniversary of the date I had left Australia and said goodbye to her, unknowingly for the last time, I was having a sad day, was very upset and still grieving. That evening, out of the blue, a friend began to sing in a communal gathering for no apparent reason ‘Amazing Grace’. This was a very special country and western song for my sister from a record we used to play together sometimes. I felt convinced it was a message from her. This was reinforced when not long after someone else who had not been present at the previous singing also suggested singing ‘Amazing Grace’. I was astonished by the experience, comforted and mystified. It reminded me of the experience of my mother that I had not understood at all. Subsequently whenever I came across accounts of NDE experiences I read them avidly, curious to understand more about the experiences and what they suggested. In retrospect I am aware that although I often found books and stories about the NDE experience, I did not find any about the ADC experience during those years from 1980 onwards.

Fifteen years later, in 1996, my brother died. He fought against his cancer and would not talk about dying, even to the very end. He kept hoping and praying for healing. He did not want to die and consequently he did not say any good-byes. Three weeks after he died I had a dream. My brother came down the passage of our childhood home and we met in the front foyer. I knew he was coming. He looked at me intently and said, ‘You are an earth woman,’ and then continued on and went out down the front stairs. I called after him in the dream asking him what he meant. The most powerful part of the dream for me was receiving the impressions of his thoughts from his eyes as I looked into his face. There was respect, surprise, regret, love, and a thousand other impressions.

It was a Sunday morning and I woke to find an amazing stillness throughout our apartment. My husband, who had risen and was in another room, also was aware of the stillness and he, too, had strongly sensed my brother’s presence. I struggled with this dream for a long time and what it might mean. I had been grieving because I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye even though we had been with him over the final months and on the night he died. I had also experienced myself at times of meditation in the first few weeks after his death spontaneously and unexpectedly moving out to the stars. I think now I was trying to connect with him as I was concerned about him and also missing not having said goodbye. From the dream experience I came to believe he was missing his earthly life and was still not adapted to his new life. I believe he was also trying to tell me to be an earth woman, to live fully here, to keep my feet on the ground.

Subsequent experiences of my brother’s presence within the family confirmed that he was struggling to adapt during his early afterlife experience and this provided the final impetus for my decision to explore other people’s experiences. I wanted to understand the nature of this reported presence and find out who had these extraordinary experiences and in what circumstances. What could such people tell me about after-death and what were the effects of these encounters in the lives of others who had these experiences? Four years after his death I

formally began this research. There was much to learn. When my mother died the idea that someone could communicate with the living and that communication be clearly received in the mind was an amazing thought.

As part of my journey to understand I read widely, visited mediums and attended services in Spiritualist Churches. I visited the United Kingdom to attend a Conference at Findhorn called Soul in Education. During this trip synchronicity abounded around my recent decision to undertake the research. An unexpected connection through a friend led me to a meeting with Professor Paul Badham at the University of Wales, Lampeter, before attending the Conference. When I told him about my possible research area he shared some of his own work with the NDE experience and also suggested I might be interested in the Alister Hardy Trust and Religious Experience Resource Centre at the University of Wales, Lampeter, as it included experiences of the deceased in its accounts of religious experience. I read a number of these fascinating accounts but their brevity did not provide the depth for which I was searching.

At the Conference at Findhorn, I attended a workshop given by Professor David Fontana and David Lorimer, Science and the Soul – A Dialogue, which was eye- opening at this point in my journey. Professor Fontana spoke about scientific research into soul. He gave a short historical overview of the progress of this type of research, discussing telepathy, remote viewing, clairvoyance and psychokinesis. He spoke of his own two-year investigation into the phenomenon of psychokinesis working with a couple who experienced psychokinetic phenomena in their workshop. He also spoke of books that had been written giving channelled accounts of the next level of the soul’s experience after death and the extraordinary degree of unanimity found in the accounts. David Lorimer spoke of the paradox of a quantum understanding of the soul over against science’s understanding that consciousness is a brain process located in the body. Science investigates from the outside-in. What was missing was a qualitative self-understanding. An understanding of consciousness, of soul, from within the

person and the person’s experience was needed. This resonated with ideas I was having of wanting to learn about the experience of the deceased from within the life of the bereaved person. I came away from this workshop excited by many new ideas, new avenues to explore and recommended books to read. I also met an amazing and down to earth woman at the Conference who had received many long communications from a very close friend who had died. She had written them down and subsequently shared them with me. I was privileged to read them.

For six months I worked in pastoral care in a hospital oncology and palliative care unit. I became very aware of the difficult journey of dying for the patients and for their families. Some of the patients also shared after-death contact encounters they had experienced. These were ways I deepened my knowledge and understanding of death and dying and the amazing connection from the other side of death that I had personally experienced. As I continued to reflect on my experiences I remembered a dream that had slipped into my unconscious. The memory of it was quite clear when I brought it again to mind even though it had occurred in the sixties well before my mother had died. My father had died six months before I completed my pharmacy studies and graduated. My father was in the dream and was pleased that I had successfully completed my studies. At the time I was surprised and pleased by the dream but did not attribute too much to it. In retrospect I think now it was an ADC experience. I wondered if he had been reminding me about the dream as the memory of it became quite insistent at one time in the research process.

I was drawn to this study from my own experiences and the puzzlement I lived with in trying to understand them. This was an area of knowledge and research that was unfamiliar to me. My background is in science, education, psychology and an abiding interest in spirituality. Among other things I have been a pharmaceutical chemist, science teacher, a pastoral psychotherapist and counsellor. The extraordinary nature of ADC experiences with their paranormal dimensions was new territory for me to explore.

I came to realize that direct experience had the most power for me. I found that my experiences through a third person, like a medium, were not always reliable. Many factors were involved in these experiences that I would like to research further. Several mediums did provide powerful experiences of connection with members of my family. Although these were amazing and revealing, sometimes healing, always loving and caring, they did not provide as strong a sense of personal involvement and directness of communication. My own direct and spontaneous experiences, which were in some ways quite simple and short, were imprinted into my psyche and touched my soul in ways that the experiences through a third person did not.

I searched to find people who were grieving for a loved one and who had experienced direct, spontaneous and unexpected encounters. In being attentive to the power of these experiences in my own life and through listening deeply as people shared their stories I gained an expanding awareness of the contours of the after-death communication experience.

A Wider Context Philosophy, religion, and science have engaged in debate regarding survival of life, of the soul, for a long time. All cultures have some set of beliefs regarding death and the afterlife and what happens to the human soul. There are stories from every culture that go back thousands of years linking this life and the afterlife and providing records of communications with those who have died. These stories have been told in various contexts and have taken different forms. The most significant aspect is their consistency through the centuries. Most world religions proclaim that life continues beyond the grave.

This belief is challenged by the prevailing scientific world-view. The scientific world-view is that when the heart stops beating and the brain ceases to function, the person’s personality is no more and the individual ceases to exist. However

the medical and scientific understanding of death and its aftermath has not been the understanding or experience of many ordinary sane people who report experiences of contact with deceased loved ones. Over the last one hundred and fifty years there have been a growing number of researchers who have become interested in trying to understand this phenomenon. Parapsychologists, medical researchers, and scientists, as well as researchers in other fields of study have conducted careful qualitative and quantitative studies and have reported peoples’ purported experiences of contact and communication with deceased family and friends. The outcomes of these studies indicate that people who have such experiences do not doubt the reality of their experiences.

Every person at some time thinks about his/her own death. Because of the strong personal element in these thoughts questions arise, questions like: What is my life about? What will happen when I die? Will I survive? Will I join those I love who have gone before me? There is no consensus here. Many affirm that death is the end. A sense of immortality comes from those to whom they have handed on the torch of life, family and friends who have learnt from them and are still contributing to life, to one another, and to the planet. Many say they just do not know, they may hope not to survive death. Others affirm post-mortem survival because of their religious beliefs or their own personal experiences. Nonetheless, the form in which the person may survive and where that form finds itself has been a source of endless speculation and research. Our destiny at death may be the most significant issue we will ever have to face at some time in our lives.

In this study I do not aim to prove that the soul or spirit or consciousness of the person survives death – although the study does produce some evidence to support it. Many scientific studies have already tried to do this, the issue has not been settled using the techniques of empirical science. This research does not enter the debate. Its main focus is to learn about this amazing phenomenon of the ADC experience so frequently reported by the bereaved, to understand its nature and to examine the after-effects of these experiences.

Significance of the Study Interest in the topic has grown in recent times, with the publication of studies by Bill and Judy Guggenheim (1997), and Emeritus Professor Louis LaGrand (1997 1999, 2001), a certified grief counsellor, that have reached a wider public readership. Other research studies have also been published examining the phenomenon from sociological, medical and psychological perspectives within the context of its place in the grieving process (Berger 1995; Devers 1994, 1997; Drewry 2003; Greeley 1987; Grimby 1993; Haraldsson 1988; Kalish and Reynolds 1973; Olson et al. 1987; Rees 1971; Whitney 1992; Wright 2002; Yamamoto et al. 1969). Little research has been conducted in Australia. Cherie Sutherland, sociologist and researcher wrote a book, Beloved Visitors (1997), in which she tells the stories of fifteen parents who report visits from their children. However there is still little awareness in Australia of this extraordinary phenomenon in the general population and little inclination to talk about it.

After death contact is frequently reported when a bereaved person is mourning the loss of a loved one and it has been shown to be helpful in the grieving process. However in most of the literature on bereavement and grief the significance of these experiences has not been attended to and there seems to be little awareness in the wider public domain of the frequency and normalcy of these experiences following the death of a loved one (Berger 1995; Devers 1994; LaGrand 1997; Marris 1958; McKissock & McKissock 1998; Raphael 1999).

We seem to live in a death-denying society even though we are being increasingly surrounded by reports of death in the media. The general assumption that death is final still prevails. And the more science advances the more it seems there is a fear of and a denial of the reality of death. As science and technology help us to find cures for life-threatening illnesses and to replace vital organs, attitudes are created where death becomes too far away to have to think of it in concrete and

personal terms. We postpone or avoid questions and issues around death yet we each have to face it sooner or later.

The reported experiences of after-death contact in published research appear to belie the finality of death. Loved ones are reported as continuing to be present. Completed research indicates that these encounters significantly affect how survivors think about death. These experiences are not spoken about easily. If, however, they could be ‘brought out of the closet’ and discussed more openly these frequently reported accounts may be enabled to become part of ordinary knowledge. The wider public would then be able to assess them within the contexts of their own experience. Attitudes to death could be thought of within a wider context if the possibility that life may in fact be continuous becomes more readily and less fearfully discussed.

For those who face death for themselves or their loved ones what happens after death is still a mystery that many face with hope or faith, and many others face with fear. This study provides information about the lived human experiences of ordinary people who have faced the reality of death’s apparent finality, and found hope and support for their own journeys as a result of their extraordinary experiences. This research also produces accounts and analyses of the ADC that contribute to the task of fleshing out the ‘psychological stick figures’ (Braude, 1996) that previous research subjects have often appeared to be because the fuller stories of their lives and successive experiences have not been told. This I believe will contribute to a broader understanding of the essential nature of the experience.

The participants in the study claimed they came to ‘know’ that their loved one survives death. Because it is distracting to continue to deal with the dichotomy of the finality or otherwise of death, the experiences of after-death communication described in the study will be discussed from within the perspective of the participants who took part.

Overview of the Thesis In Chapter Two an historical perspective on the review of literature is taken. I first review religious traditions and their attitudes to death and the afterlife and then study the marker events of the period from 1882 to1960. This period begins where the conflict between science and religion and the question of the survival of the soul led to the founding of the Society of Psychical Research. Eminent scholars and scientists were involved with this question in England and America.

I review modern research into encounters with the deceased from 1960 to 1990. In this period studies of the phenomenon began to be conducted within different disciplines –sociology, mental health, ethnic studies, psychology and parapsychology. Research since 1990 has moved towards the study of different types of experiences and generally locates the phenomenon in the context of grief where it has been found to be a normal accompaniment of mourning the loss of loved ones. The extraordinary, paranormal and spiritual nature of these experiences, their effects and their non-acceptability within our culture led me to explore this experience further.

In Chapter Three the methodology and methods of my research are presented. I explain how a phenomenological methodology enables me to get to the heart of the experience, to its essential nature and its effects. I locate the inquiry within a transpersonal research paradigm. These ADCs are experiences [which] ‘appear to go beyond our usual identification with our limited biological and psychological selves’ (Braud & Anderson, 1998, p. 221). Because transpersonal psychology honours the depth and breadth of human experience and invites the researcher to examine the rich evidence of subjective experience I decided these extraordinary experiences were best studied within this paradigm and with a phenomenological methodology.

What is it like to have a particular human experience? What is it like to have an ADC? This is the basic question for phenomenology. I study the phenomenon in depth in the context of the participants’ life stories, in their ‘life world.’ Clark Moustakis (1994) and Max van Manen (1990) become my guides in this process. By transforming the lived experiences into textual expressions of their essence, I endeavour to grasp the nature and significance of the after-death communication experience, and to ‘show’ what it is like to have this experience in its myriad forms. My specific application of the methodology is a five-step process adapted for this study from the methods of Moustakis and van Manen. I move from writing the stories to extracting the ‘meaning units’ for each of the participants’ lived experiences. The resulting invariant constituents derived from the meaning units are clustered into seven themes. I illuminate the themes by writing about them. The final step is a composite description of the phenomenon, a synthesis of its essences and meanings.

The phenomenological method of inquiry is particularly suited to a topic where the researcher feels she is ‘being-given-over to some quest’ of deep significance (van Manen 1990). The quest for understanding the nature and the ongoing significance of the ADC experience became just that for me (the researcher). Phenomenology became a pre-eminent way of deepening my understanding of this communication. Phenomenology ‘shows’ a phenomenon and communicates its essence to the reader. In these ADC experiences the deceased show the bereaved their presence in various ways and communicate something of their new essence. The bereaved share the stories of their encounters with deceased loved ones and communicate what it is like. I gather these communications, write the stories and distil their essences and meanings. This research method becomes a fascinating journey to a deeper understanding of this extraordinary phenomenon.

In Chapters Four, Five and Six, I present the participants’ stories that were written and rewritten in order to present the heart of their message. The stories are told as journeys. Chapter Four presents the stories of six spouses who have

experienced ADCs. Two spouses share experiences that occur, around the time of death and within twelve hours after the death, respectively. These encounters are followed by other ADC experiences. In Chapter Five the stories are of adult children who have had ADCs from parents. Two of these adult children also share experiences that occurred, very near to the time of death when the death was at a distance and not known to have occurred. They also shared subsequent experiences of ADCs. In Chapter Six the stories are of a nurse, a parent, and two siblings. The nurse’s story of her first ADC occurs within eight hours of the death of her patient and is followed some months later by a second ADC. The siblings’ communication experiences occurred around the time of death when they were present with their sibling, one a brother and one a sister. Although the siblings experiences can be called ‘death coincidences’, or death-bed visions for the survivors, I have included them because they illustrate in a powerful way the ongoing movement of the spirit or consciousness of the person at the time of death. These experiences of the bereaved contribute to a deeper understanding of the ADC experience.

For some of the participants there is only one ADC experience to share, with its reverberating effects. Others have a number of experiences with an unfolding of feelings and thoughts that range across wide fronts - from fear through wonder to happiness; or from puzzlement and doubt to a certainty of knowing. I seek to touch the texture of their experiences. The stories show the phenomenon of the ADC in the context of the life-worlds of the participants. My endeavour is to enable the reader to see the participants as real people who share the impacts of the different types of experiences in their own ways and using their own words. Phenomenological research requires the researcher to know and share personal biases and presuppositions and consciously put them aside. Although I listened within the context of my own experiences I put this aside and stayed open to the surprise of hearing remarkable stories. I reflect upon these stories, critically engage with them, and return again and again with openness to receive the breadth and depth of the phenomenon.

Chapter Seven engages with the next phenomenological step. I identify and compile the most significant statements and comments (meaning units) for the nature of this lived experience from each participant’s story. By working with the meaning units of all the participants and removing overlapping statements I find the invariant constituents. From these I derive seven themes which show the essential nature of the phenomenon, and what is common to all the experiences and all the settings in which they are experienced. I find that the ADC experiences are startling and intrude into ordinary experience in a variety of ways. The participants recognise the characteristics of the deceased as authentic to their knowledge of them. They receive information, care, love and the experience of ongoing relationship. They grapple with their experiences over time. They find these ADCs are deeply imprinted and carry clarity and power that does not diminish. Their lives and their attitudes are affected and changed in a range of ways. In transcending ordinary awareness the participants experience an ongoing sense of connection and an expansion of consciousness. They come to live in a knowing way within a larger, more complex and unseen world and their loved one is part of that. I discuss each of the themes giving verbatim examples to show more clearly the validity of the thematic statements and to show how they have been derived from the participants’ stories. The ADC experience has not been identified previously as a group of seven themes in the particular way found in this study and therefore I believe this research contributes to a broader understanding of the essential nature of the experience within this newly re-born research area. I discuss my findings for each theme in the light of the literature.

The discussion illustrates an overall concordance between the themes and the reported ADC experiences in the literature. However there are some differences and nuances when compared with the literature. When the spouse group was compared with the adult children group I found spouses had more frequent and more intimate experiences over a longer period and demonstrated a mutual missing of their partners. Adult children had fewer experiences and these

17 demonstrated reassurance, peace and healing and a sense of it being a good-bye. The startling quality of the experiences evident in the experiences of my participants was not reported often as a characteristic of the experience in other research. The power of successive experiences to exemplify the themes in individual stories was significant. Some participants’ experiences around the time of death and again at later times discussed in the sixth theme confirmed their sense of ‘knowing’ about their deceased loved one’s continuity of life.

Chapter Eight continues the phenomenological process for the after-effects as outlined in the previous chapter. The after-effects of the experiences are explored separately. They demonstrate the power of the ADC to continue to resonate in the ongoing lives of the participants and are part of the essential nature of the ADC experience. The ongoing effects of the ADC experience are explored under six headings. Changes in attitudes to grief and loss, death, after-life, living, sense of purpose and meaning, spiritual and religious understanding, and psychic sensitivity are identified. It becomes clear that substantial and life-enhancing changes occurred in the participant’s lives

The power of the experiences is demonstrated in their effects. Grief and worry about parents’ well-being was largely alleviated. Several of the ADCs resulted in healing of unfinished hurts and a freedom to move ahead with living. The frequency of the experiences for spouses enabled the loss to be slowly integrated and yet supported at the same time. Most of the participants found their lives were more purposeful and meaningful as they moved into new work and commitments that reflected the significance of their new understanding about life. Although there was great variety here, working with the dying, with the grieving, community service, caring for family in new ways, all reflected an ongoing response to the impetus provided by the amazing encounters. Their changed attitudes to death and an after-life provided a sense of freedom to live their lives with more clarity and direction. Only one participant said he had not found a purpose and meaning for his life despite his experiences.

This study provides a clearer focus on the effects of the experiences. Generally after-effects are woven through the stories (Guggenheim 1997; LaGrand 1997) and are developed and presented differently according to the aims of the individual study (Devers 1994; Drewry 2003; Whitney1992). My findings on after-effects in the participants’ lives serve as a framework to gather together similar effects of ADCs from other studies in the literature.

Chapter Nine draws the thesis together and reflects on the research. I give a composite description of the ADC experience and its effects as derived from the themes. The description, rooted in my participants’ stories, provides a comprehensive understanding of the ADC experience. In conclusion I reflect on the experiences of the participants and the research process. Through this research study the long tradition of exploring this phenomenon has been carried forward bringing new perspectives. The transpersonal and phenomenological approaches have contributed to this wider perspective. The significance of story in framing the experiences has provided a broader understanding of the ADC. The after-effects, through the lens of transpersonal psychology, have demonstrated the range and ongoing and transforming power of these experiences.

An outcome of the study was to recognise the importance of providing education about the ADC experience that is grounded in research and reported experience. The ADC is an extraordinary experience that is common in grief. Practitioners and counsellors who understand the phenomenon will be better able to provide appropriate care. Sharing of such experiences could provide the elderly and the dying with support and knowledge and contribute to allaying fears about the unknown and about death. Courses within the curricula of professional studies in related disciplines could share actual research and could give graduates wider knowledge about the possibility of encountering people who report such

19 experiences. They may then have the ability to work more effectively with the grieving, the elderly and the dying, and with families.

The results of this study extend the knowledge of the ADC phenomenon. The area of ADC experience as defined in this study is ready for further research, both qualitative and quantitative and further areas of research are suggested which have arisen out of this study.

Chapter Two Review of Literature

What the dead had no speech for, when living They can tell you, being dead: the communication Of the dead is tongued with fire beyond the language of the living. T.S. Eliot: Little Gidding.

Introduction There has appeared a body of new research into After-Death Communication (ADC) that is still in its infancy. It has provided informed study about people’s experiences of ADC after bereavement and their effects. There is a strong desire in people to know their loved ones have survived death and that life goes on. Religious belief and tradition, part of people’s lives for centuries, have not only affirmed but actively taught that life survives death. Empirical studies over the last one hundred and fifty years have also explored the notion of post-mortem survival in the hope that empirical research would confirm religious belief.

This chapter provides a review of the literature and a background for the current resurgence of interest in, and renewed study of, the phenomenon of after-death communication (ADC). It is presented in four sections. Section One, Religious Context, surveys beliefs concerning the existence of a spirit world and of survival after death in the traditions of Ancient Egypt, Tibetan Buddhism, Ancient Greece, Jewish Old Testament, and the Christian world. Section Two, Early Research, surveys the systematic research in the period from 1880 to 1960. I begin with the work of scholars who founded the Society of Psychical Research in 1882 and conclude with writings of Carl Jung. Section Three, Modern Research, covers 1960 to1990. Here I look at the research in bereavement studies and in medical, sociological, parapsychological and other disciplines that have contributed to understanding the phenomenon. In Section Four, Recent Research, 1990 to 2004, I identify a shift in focus away from empirical research towards understanding these experiences in the context of

their effects on grief and mourning, the types of these experiences and their frequency as reported experiences of an extraordinary kind.

Religious Context In ancient Egypt, life after death was thought to be a natural continuation of life on earth. As a people the Egyptians were intensely devoted to the cult of the dead. What constituted existence for them in the after-world is somewhat obscure. In some instances they believed in a physical existence after death for which the departed required worldly riches and sustenance. In others it was part of their mythology. The Egyptian concept of spiritual resurrection after death has a mythological basis in the story of Osiris, the lord of creation who was also a king of Egypt before 3200 BC. Osiris became the ruler of the underworld. As such, one of his principal tasks was to judge the souls of the dead and determine whether they should be granted an eternal, blissful after-life (Fletcher 2002).

In Tibetan Buddhism, the classic text, The Tibetan Book of the Dead (Rinpoche 1994) describes the passage of consciousness from death to rebirth, the ongoing journey of the soul. The six bardo states of existence describe the mental processes of the soul’s consciousness. Three of these bardos are experienced from death to rebirth. There is another reality that is outside of one’s own consciousness that can be encountered provided one can recognise the projective nature of the bardo experiences and move beyond them. Some holy persons who are not reborn are believed to move into this other reality, ‘the unconditioned, timeless splendor of the Dharmakaya.’ Having attained enlightenment they become ‘one with everything’ (1994, p. 360). However in Buddhist teaching most souls return to earth life, and before rebirth in the bardo there occurs a judgment of the good and bad deeds of the souls of the dead. This parallels the weighing of the heart described in the Egyptian Book of the Dead (Fletcher 2002) as well as the ideas about judgment which are found in the Greek and Christian traditions.

Plato (427-347 BCE) in Greece, tells the story of the soldier of Er who was thought to be dead but returned to life and told about his experiences. He was slain in battle and ten days afterwards, when the bodies of the dead were taken up already in a state of corruption, his body was found unaffected by decay, and carried away home to be buried. And on the twelfth day, as he was lying on the funeral pile, he returned to life and told them what he had seen in the other world (Plato 1935, p. 437).

In the Jewish Old Testament there is an account of Saul going to consult a necromancer because ‘Yahweh gave him no answer, either by dream, or oracle, or prophet.’ He asked her to conjure up Samuel for him because of his distress about the Philistines and what he should do. She did, and Samuel said to Saul, ‘Why have you disturbed my rest, conjuring me up?’(1 Samuel 28:6-16).

In the Christian New Testament, on the mountain of the Transfiguration, Jesus talks with Moses and Elijah and ‘Peter and his companions were heavy with sleep, but they kept awake and saw his glory and the two men standing with him’ (Luke 9:31). To the early Christians, the life beyond death seemed very close and very real. In the Roman world of early Christianity persecution was met without fear because of the certainty of heaven: ‘In my Father’s house there are many mansions’ (John 14:2).

Throughout the Middle Ages the existence of a spirit world was widely accepted. Precognitive dreams, visions and discerning spirits (mediumship) were acknowledged. It was not until 1326, when the Church pronounced sorcery a crime, were those with what we would now call psychic abilities feared and treated as deserving of persecution. Fears around mediumistic and psychic experience became part of the culture of Christianity. Despite this mediumistic, psychic and occult practices survived.

Within the Christian tradition there is a long history of after-death encounters in the form of apparitions, visions and other forms of paranormal and mystical phenomena. St. Teresa of Avila (1957) recorded in her autobiography visions of

saints she saw while at prayer. When she died it was recorded that in the room where she died there was the noise of a happy and gay crowd who, presumably, had come to fetch her. Padre Pio, a Capuchin monk, more recently, was well known for his psychic abilities. He was quite often found to be in two places while alive and to be present to people at various times of crisis after his death (Preziuso 2000). A long tradition of Marian apparitions exists. Christianity, like most other religions has maintained an ambivalence regarding communication with the spirit world. Such communications are not necessarily condemned when they occur spontaneously or seem to be initiated by the other side as in dream visitations or visions, but the prohibition against voluntarily, consciously or deliberately summoning spirits is still quite strong and widespread’ (Martin & Romanowski 1997, p. 249).

Traditionally, world religions unite in affirming that at death some essential part of our identity continues and there are many examples of contact with those who have journeyed to the after-life. Hindus speak of the Atman, historic Christianity and Islam talk of the soul going on. Buddhists and liberal Christians would affirm that there is some sense in which we continue, even though they are concerned about how to give this adequate conceptualization. Many Christians and Muslims now interpret resurrection, not in terms of getting their old bodies back, but of getting new bodies suited for the continued expression of their personalities in heaven (Badham 1995, p. 120).

It was not until the eighteenth century that consideration of the spiritual, and a spiritual world apart from religion and philosophy, began to emerge. The great scientist, philosopher and seer, Emanuel Swedenborg (1688-1772), though not deeply religious, at fifty-seven years of age began having a series of dreams and visions in which he visited spiritual realms, met and conversed with many religious and historical figures, and spoke with spirits. He had, he said, free access to the world of spirit, allowing him to move about it with complete freedom, conversing with its inhabitants and exploring its terrain (Van Dusen 1974).

Swedenborg’s writings of his experiences challenged the old ideas of heaven and its notion of perfect happiness as a place where souls dwelt in a perpetual state of worship before the throne of God. Instead his heaven was peopled with souls who were happy and productive, learning and growing, and serving. In Swedenborg’s heaven, each person would gravitate after death to communities of like-minded souls (Swedenborg 1994). He asserted that places in the spiritual world are in fact states of mind.

Studies of the occult, paranormal phenomena and the supernatural have been conducted by individual scholars for many centuries. The experience of contact with the dead, along with occult practices, was commonly accepted in the culture up to the eighteenth century. However a major shift occurred in the nineteenth century, and reported contact with the dead began to be seriously studied.

Early Research 1880 to1960 The Fox sisters in Rochester, New York, in 1848 began reporting messages from purportedly discarnate entities and this became the starting point for the growth of Spiritualism. Interest was kindled in many different places. Sparks had been lit by the Fox sisters and within fifty years there were many fires burning particularly in England, America and continental Europe. Messages relayed by mediums, apparitions and death-bed visions came to be widely discussed.

The Society for Psychical Research A group of eminent scholars and scientists in England became deeply interested in these phenomena and founded the Society for Psychical Research (SPR) in 1882. This ushered in the beginning of a period of serious after-life research and the study of the paranormal within the context of the scientific paradigm. The data accumulated by them and those who followed them not only confirmed many of Swedenborg’s views of heaven but also expanded them to encompass many higher levels of awareness through which the soul progressed in its after-life journey.

A large number of the founding members of the SPR wanted to prove the reality of religious belief in life after death using the methods of science. The SPR was soon joined in this quest by the American Society for Psychical Research (ASPR) founded in Boston in 1886. The SPR and the ASPR attracted the leading physicists, philosophers, psychologists and scholars of the time. F.W.H. Myers, Sir William Barrett, Sir Oliver Lodge, Henry and Eleanor Sidgwick, Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle were all members at one time or another.

Survival after death was for obvious reasons a difficult subject to investigate. The members of the SPR believed that the already proven methods of science would provide a systematic means of investigating a range of unexplained phenomena, including discarnate communications, death-bed visions, apparitions and near- death experiences. The eminence of the members of the SPR in the academic world, both sceptics and believers of these phenomena, enhanced the credibility of their research. Darwin’s theory of evolution in The Origin of the Species in 1859 had shaken belief in an after-life and held creationist views up to question. The British founders of the society wanted to ‘restore the soul to something of its original status’ by using the methods of science (Grosso 2004 p. 156). Their meticulous research did produce a large body of evidence suggestive of human survival after death.

What was it that survived? The reported experiences suggested that many of the communications received in these various modes were from discarnate spiritual beings who retained their memories, their mental functioning and their feelings. The SPR wanted to make the reports evidential. The conflict between science and religion had led the members of the SPR to this area of unusual experiences in order to see what was real and what was not. They believed there must be a way besides revelation, faith and religious belief whereby the reality of the soul and its eternal destiny after death could be confirmed.

In this early period the study of apparitions was a large part of the work of the Society. A study carried out by Gurney, Myers and Podmore was published as Phantasms of the Living in 1886. They reported seven hundred and two cases of apparitions, prior to, or soon after, death. However, the most important work in the first twenty years was the Report on the Census of Hallucinations (1894) published in Proceedings of the SPR. Its major goal was to determine how many people had experienced ‘sensory hallucinations’ while awake and in a sound state of mind and under what conditions. There were 17,000 respondents from England, Europe and the United States. Approximately ten per cent of those interviewed gave a positive response, 1,029 women and 655 men (cited in Mackenzie 1983, p. 9). The information they gathered showed clear evidence for spontaneous paranormal contacts between both living persons and between living persons and those who had died. Far more visual experiences than others were reported.

The Census threw much valuable light on the circumstances in which apparitions were seen. Several hundred of the apparitions involved some sort of contact with the dead and in over one quarter of these contacts the newly dead appeared to loved ones and friends within twelve hours of the death (cited in Wright 2002, p. 29). This type of apparition came to be called ‘coincidental’ when it occurred within twelve hours of the death of the person and is one of the reasons the Census is mostly quoted today. Its findings on ‘death coincidences’ were substantiated in later research and the moment of death has remained a time of great significance for researchers and also for survivors. The dying themselves also reported experiences of visions of loved ones who had already died. The dying frequently spoke of seeing deceased relatives and communicated with them. Their experiences of after-death communication came to be known as death-bed visions (DBVs).

The conclusion drawn from the Census was that ‘between death and apparitions of the dying person a connection exists which is not due to chance alone’ (cited in

Mackenzie 1983, p. 12). It had been shown that some aspect of the person who died was likely to communicate paranormally around the time of death, at a far higher rate than would be expected by chance. One account of a death coincidence was dated July 2nd 1884 from Rev. F Barker, late Rector of Cottenham, Cambridge (Gurney et al. 1962, p. 400). At about 11 0’clock on the night of December 6th 1873, I had just got into bed and had certainly not fallen asleep, or even into a doze, when I suddenly startled my wife by a deep groan, and when she asked the reason, I said, ‘I have just seen my aunt. She came and stood beside me and smiled with her old kind smile and disappeared.’

A much-loved aunt, my mother’s sister, was at that time in Madiera for her health, accompanied by my cousin, her niece. I had no reason to think that she was critically ill at this time, but the impression made upon me was so great that the next day I told her family (my mother among them) what I had seen. Within a week afterwards we heard that she had died on that very night, and making all allowance for longitude, at about that very time.

When my cousin, who was with her to the last, heard what I had seen she said, ‘I am not at all surprised, for she was calling out for you all the time she was dying.’ This is the only time I have experienced anything of this nature. I think, perhaps, this story first hand may interest you. I can only say the vivid impression I received that night has never left me.

Myers and his group had also come to the conclusion that apparitions were due to the action of a departed spirit: We gradually discovered that the accounts of apparitions at the moment of death . . . led on without perceptible break to apparitions occurring after the death of the person seen, but while that death was yet unknown to the percipient and thus apparently due, not to mere brooding memory, but to a continued action of that departed spirit (Myers 1992, p. 8).

After-death contacts, though more likely to occur around the time of death, also occurred in the months following and then usually decreased with time.

Sir William Barrett, as a founding member of the SPR, also had an abiding interest in paranormal phenomena and became particularly interested in the other type of unusual experience that occurred around the time of death - the visionary experiences of the dying. It was only after his wife, an obstetrician, reported some unusual cases to him that he began to collect and classify a range of these unusual experiences reported by the dying or those who were with them in their final hours. One of these was the case of Doris. On the night of January 12 1924, Lady Barrett delivered the baby of a woman named Doris. After the difficult birth, she stayed with her as the woman lay dying. As Lady Barrett described it: Suddenly she looked eagerly towards one part of the room, a radiant smile illuminating her whole countenance. ‘Oh, lovely, lovely’ she said. I asked, ‘What is lovely?’ ‘What I see,’ she replied in low intense tones. ‘What do you see?’ ‘Lovely brightness-wonderful beings’. It is difficult to describe the sense of reality conveyed by her intense absorption in the vision. Then – seeming to focus her attention on one place for a moment – she exclaimed, almost with a kind of joyous cry, ‘Why, it’s Father! Oh, he’s so glad I’m coming; he is so glad. It would be perfect if only W (her husband) would come too.’ Her baby was brought for her to see. She looked at it with interest, and then said, ‘Do you think I ought to stay for baby’s sake?’ Then turning towards the vision again, she said, ‘I can’t - I can’t stay; if you could see what I do you would know I can’t stay’. …

She spoke to her father, saying, ‘I am coming, …(then just as she was sinking into death) she said with rather a puzzled expression, ‘He has Vida with him,’ turning at the same time to look at me [her mother], saying, ‘Vida is with him.’ Then she said, ‘You do want me Dad; I am coming’ (Barrett 1926, pp. 12 -14).

The woman died shortly afterward. What made the greatest impression on Sir William and Lady Barrett was the fact that Vida, Doris’ sister, had died three weeks earlier and Doris had not been told because of her uncertain health. She had had a vision of someone she could not have expected to see. In many of the cases reported by Barrett it was not uncommon for the dying who saw these visions to identify friends and relatives who they thought were still living. But in each case, according to Barrett, it was later discovered that these people were

actually dead. Barrett divided his testimonies into a number of categories and published them under the title Death-Bed Visions: The Psychical Experiences of the Dying (1926). They included: visions seen by the dying of persons unknown by them to be dead. visions seen by the dying of persons known to them. visions of the spirit of a dying person leaving the body seen by some of those present.

Some of those present with the dying person, at the perceived time of death, saw the actual movement of a body, semi-transparent, often called the ‘astral body’ separating out from the physical body. These visions around the time of death highlighted the imminence of death as an instigator of communication across the threshold between here and hereafter (Jacobson 1974 p. 150).

Many different terms were used to describe experiences of communication with the dead and after-death contact. As with any experience that is not able to be scientifically explained there was little agreement as to what after-death contact actually was and not a great deal of consistency in describing it. Hallucinations, apparitions, visions, ghosts, phantasms, sensory and motor automatisms, post- mortem manifestations, death-bed visions, were all terms variously used to describe encounters with the dead and communications from discarnate entities. A ghost was described by Myers as ‘a manifestation of persistent personal energy, an indication that some kind of force was being exercised after death which was in some way connected with a person previously known on earth’ (Myers 1992, p.173).

Frederic Myers’ Synthesis Myers attempted to synthesize the great mass of early data gathered by the Society. He brought to the fore the momentous question and the one which the Society was committed to exploring, ‘whether or no (man) has an immortal soul’ (Myers 1992, p. 1). He felt the disillusioning effects of the new scientific materialism and was concerned that all spiritual facts were being reduced to

physiological phenomena. At the same time he saw the need to meet science on its own ground. He felt that no adequate attempt had yet been made even to determine whether anything could be learnt as to an unseen world or no …it must be discovered by no analysis of tradition, and by no manipulation of metaphysics, but simply by experiment and observation (1992, p. 7).

He put on the table his thoughts about the Self, the Ego, the enduring nature of identity, and what motivated him in his search for answers from science as to whether there was indeed an ongoing life. He saw there were two ways of looking at the human person, one prevalent among experimental psychologists, who ‘have frankly given up any notion of an underlying unity, of a life independent of the organism – in a word, of a human soul’ (1992, p.12), that death was the end of biological life. After a long series of tentative speculations based on gradually accruing evidence he came to an alternative view, ‘The Ego can and does survive – not only the minor disintegrations which affect it during earth life – but the crowning disintegration of bodily death’ (1992, p. 13). He saw his conception as hitherto regarded as mystical but, if I endeavour to plant it upon a scientific basis . . . its validity will be impressed – if at all - upon the reader only by successive study of the various kinds of evidence to which this book will refer him (1992, p. 13).

This is what drove him and his friends in the Society to try to gather enough veridical experience. He opened up new ways of thinking about the whole spectrum of human experience. Ever more clearly must our age of science realise that any relation between a material world and a spiritual world cannot be an ethical or emotional relation alone; that it must needs be a great structural fact of the Universe (1992, p. 285).

There were many in the scientific world who did not agree with Myers’ position. They would not accept that post-mortem survival had in any way been proved, and that there had to be other explanations for these phenomena that fitted with their world-view. Their explanations were in the nature of being a figment of the imagination, hallucinations that were the outcome of psychopathology or extreme

grief. Myers tried scientifically to understand and make sense of the research thus far, in his important work first published in 1903, after his death, Human Personality and Its Survival of Bodily Death. It is still regarded by many as the single most important work in the history of psychical research.

William James and the Importance of Experience Another highly influential figure in this early period was psychologist and philosopher, William James (1842–1910). As a psychical researcher and early pioneer of transpersonal psychology he saw the importance of a radical empiricism and using the data of direct human experience to explore the religious and spiritual life. James saw the life of religion characterised by the belief that there is an ‘unseen order,’ and that our highest good was achieved by adjusting to that order (James 1958, p. 58). For James the ‘unseen order’ included phenomena generally associated with the paranormal as well as the spiritual and religious. He studied the medium Leonora Piper and other reported experiences in an effort to provide the evidence needed to translate the unseen order of religious belief into scientific understanding. He gives an example in Varieties of Religious Experience, of an informant who wrote about how he was aware, with an intenseness not easily imagined by those who had never experienced it, that another being or presence was not only in the room but quite close to me. . . . I knew somehow that my friend A.H. was standing at my left elbow . . . hidden by the armchair. (James 1958, p. 62).

As the informant turned around he became aware of the visible hallucination of his friend standing there ‘semi-transparent, reminding me of tobacco smoke in consistency.’

The direct human experience was for James integral to research and he saw psychical research as one of the manifestations of the little understood areas of the human mind and its powers that must be investigated. He saw the importance of ‘a radical empiricism, the habit of thrusting oneself forward into the world of

experience, to make the richest possible contact with the concrete, the immediate, the real’ (Murphy 1961, p.13). He insisted that a thing was not necessarily untrue simply because it conflicted with known principles of science. There may be principles of science that had not yet been discovered.

James always ‘knew there was more.’ He engaged in and was actively concerned with investigations by the SPR and the ASPR into alleged hauntings, apparitions and communications with the deceased. With all the speculation that had been done there was still much that was not understood about these phenomena. James described an hallucination as ‘a strictly sensational form of consciousness, as good and true a sensation as if there were a real object there’ (James 1890, cited in Mackenzie 1983). He kept wanting to know more before jumping in with an explanation. He did not want to cut off learning about the richness of experience by trying to explain it too quickly. He has been called a proto-phenomenologist and Jung who followed him was in the same vein. They were both in the psychological tradition of trusting that in time, in a dialogical way, they would come to some new understanding as they waited to let experience speak for itself.

Although James followed the explorations of his friend Frederic Myers and the whole realm of phenomena to which Myers was applying his conception of the ‘subliminal self’, he never apparently reached conviction on the question of evidence for survival from his study of apparitions and other psychical phenomena (Murphy 1961). In ‘The Last Report’, an essay on the final impressions of a psychical researcher he wrote, For twenty-five years I have been in touch with the literature of psychical research … yet I am theoretically no ‘further’ than I was at the beginning; and I confess that at times I have been tempted to believe that the Creator has eternally demanded this department of nature to remain baffling, to prompt our curiosities and hopes and suspicions in equal measure . . . we must expect to mark progress not by quarter centuries but by . . . whole centuries (James 1961, p. 310).

There is a prophetic note in this. One hundred years later the struggle with proof in the world of science is still going on. The researcher of the paranormal still provides reports of carefully observed direct experiences of after-death encounters but not yet to the satisfaction of the sceptical scientist in the laboratory. ADC experiences in the laboratory that could be repeated as required have not yet been achieved.

The early members of the SPR did not succeed in finding irrefutable proof scientifically, but they did succeed in opening up the questions, and they recorded thousands of cases in a meticulous and methodical manner. Researchers following in their footsteps had been given a strong foundation of anecdotal report from sane, honest and reliable percipients that had been catalogued by some of the most brilliant and eminent scientists of their day. However, the findings have remained controversial and researchers have argued among themselves how to interpret them.. . . Some have hypothesised that the collective experiences, and those which conveyed information unknown to the percipient, might lend support to the theory that consciousness survives death (Haraldsson 1988, p. 104).

Jung’s Stance of Openness Another significant influence has been the writing of Carl Jung. Jung regularly experienced psychic phenomena himself, including visions, psychokinetic phenomena, dreams and apparitions and a very significant near-death experience. He grew up in a family that accepted the paranormal. His mother and maternal grandmother were psychic and he had a lifelong interest in the paranormal. Where Freud, who was also a member of the SPR, dismissed the possibility of life after death although he explored psychic phenomena, Jung explored all aspects of psychic life, developing theories about the unconscious and its relationship to after-life dreams and visions.

In 1919, speaking before the Society of Psychical Research, London, Jung said he could see no proof for the actual existence of ‘spirits’, which he felt could

psychologically be regarded as ‘exteriorized forms of unconscious complexes’ on the part of a medium (cited in Pleasants 1964, p. 162). By 1947 he was no longer so certain that ‘a purely psychological approach could do justice to the phenomena in question’ (cited in Pleasants 1964, p. 162). In his autobiography Memories, Dreams and Reflections, Jung acknowledges he had never before written expressly about a life after death because he had no way of documenting his ideas. Now he wanted to share what he had found. What I have to tell about the hereafter, and about life after death, consists entirely of memories, of images in which I have lived and of thoughts which have buffeted me. These memories in a way also underlie all my works; for the latter are fundamentally nothing but attempts, ever renewed, to give an answer to the question of the interplay between the ‘here’ and the ‘hereafter’ (Jung 1983, p. 330).

Jung was profoundly aware of the significance of speaking about ‘incomprehensible things’. He was always open to the mythic realms and the wisdom of ancient civilizations. What the myths or stories about a life after death really mean, or what kind of reality lies behind them, he said we certainly do not know. But he did know it mattered to be open to these things. If we live only by what is within reason, we accept only the known, and live within a known framework – then we live within boundaries which are too narrow for us to begin to understand how far life actually extends. Fortunately, sometimes experiences happen which challenge our pre-conceptions (Jung 1983, p. 333).

Jung’s dreams and visionary experiences provided that challenge. It was through the world of the unconscious and the mythic stories of other civilizations that Jung tried to understand his experiences of connection with those who had died. He tells the story of meeting with his father in a dream not long before his mother died. His father had died in 1896. This was now 1922. His father appeared rejuvenated and Jung was pleased at the prospect of finding out what he had been up to and telling him about his life. Instead his father looked preoccupied and wanted to consult him, since he was a psychologist, about marital psychology. It was only after his mother’s death he realized it referred to her death. Jung’s

parent’s marriage was not a happy one. After an absence of twenty-six years his father would soon have to resume this relationship. Evidently, says Jung, he was appealing to someone living who, enjoying the benefit of changed times might have some fresh insights (Jung 1963, p. 346).

He tells of another experience about a year after his wife died, which he understood as showing him something about the evolution of the soul. I suddenly awoke one night and knew that I had been with her in the south of France, in Provence, and had spent an entire day with her. She was engaged on studies of the Grail there. That seemed significant to me, for she had died before completing her work on this subject. …The thought that my wife was continuing after death to work on her further spiritual development – however that may be conceived – struck me as meaningful and held a measure of reassurance for me (1983, p. 341).

Yet Jung claimed we cannot really know what the myths and stories about a life after death mean, or what kind of reality lies behind them. He believed that through our unconscious, day after day, ‘we live far beyond the bounds of our consciousness, without our knowledge the life of the unconscious is going on within us’ (1983, p. 333). The unconscious, personal and collective, was the connection with an archetypal life, a mythic life, after-death experiences in dreams, conversations with ancient beings like Elijah and Philemon. Jung did not try to distinguish them from the unconscious, rather he found ‘when one has such experiences one acquires a certain respect for the potentialities and the arts of the unconscious’ (1983, p. 206). He was aware that such communications may have a subjective meaning as well. He was always open and remained critical as to whether such communications were in accord with reality or not. He recognised that the psyche was not subject to the laws of space and time and followed the work of J.B. Rhine and his associates in their experiments with extra-sensory perception. He believed there was an absolute condition of timelessness and spacelessness. From this place of unconsciousness emerged figures who by contact with consciousness attained new knowledge. The

objective life of these figures amazed Jung as they appeared to learn new knowledge from him (1983, p. 342).

Jung continued to maintain his stance of openness to experiences and dreams that came to him from the unconscious - to the encounters with his father, his wife and others in his life who had died and the dream encounters shared by his patients - and to what they meant in terms of the relationship between the unconscious and the after-life. His life was spent working with material he was being given from the unconscious and staying open to what it was trying to tell him. ‘The most we can say is that there is some probability that something of our psyche continues beyond physical death’ (1983, p. 354). A letter written in 1960 traces a further development in his thought where the space-time continuum of nuclear physics opened him to new possibilities The relative rarity of post-mortal phenomena suggests that forms of existence within and outside time are so sharply separated that the crossing of this border offers the greatest of difficulties. That does not in any way rule out the possibility that there is an existence outside of time that parallels existence within time (Jung 1964, cited in Pleasants, p.162).

Jung remained open to whether the vision of the ghost or the voice was identical with a dead person, or was a psychic projection obtained from knowledge present in the unconscious. He acknowledged the enormous difficulty in claiming his dreams and stories as anything more than hints and intimations of an ‘other world’ or after-life. He kept his mind open to all the possibilities suggested to him by his experiences. His thoughts and writings open up ways of understanding the phenomenon of after-death communication. The place of the unconscious, a vast collective, offers dreams and encounters with a large assemblage of spirit beings, mythic figures, and new knowledge.

Modern Research of Encounters with Deceased 1960 to1990

Jung’s research and accounts of his experiences and those of his patients provided ways of understanding that were opening the mind to the further reaches of the psyche. This contrasted with the research that began to be documented in the next period when other disciplines began to study the reports of alleged encounters with the deceased. Bereavement studies began to include reports of after-death contact and its effect on grief and mourning for the bereaved. Sociological, ethnic and mental health perspectives became prominent in research being conducted.

One of the earliest projects was somewhat fortuitous. Marris (1958) was studying the socio-economic aspects of the living situations of seventy-two London widows whose husbands had died in youth or middle age when he discovered that half of these women reported having sensed their deceased partner’s presence. This was a surprising result as he did not ask the widows about the contact and only recorded the experience when it was mentioned spontaneously. Ten years later Yamamoto et al. (1969) conducted a study of mourning in Japan. They reported that eighteen out of twenty Tokyo widows whose husbands had died in car accidents sensed the presence of their husbands afterwards.

Beyond Hallucinations Rees, a general practitioner, working in a defined area of mid-Wales, interviewed sixty-six widowers and two hundred and twenty-seven widows and published his results under the title The Hallucinations of Widowhood (1971). His main finding was that a perception of the dead partner was a common consequence of widowhood. Almost half of the widowed he interviewed had a number of experiences of contact with their deceased spouse, some for many years. They were most common in the first ten years of widowhood. The incidence declined with time. The most common experience was a sense of the presence of the deceased (39%), followed by seeing the deceased (14%), hearing them (13%) and feeling a physical touch from the dead person (2.7%).

Rees (1971) found that the incidence of these events, at the time called ‘hallucinations’, was equally common among men and women. He also established that the incidence was not affected by any social variables such as residence, religious belief, or place of widowhood. Most people found the experiences helpful but had been very reluctant to speak of them from fear of ridicule and disbelief. These ‘hallucinations’ were more likely to occur after longer marriages, happier marriages and marriages in which there were children. Rees came to the conclusion that ‘hallucinations’ were ‘normal and helpful accompaniments of widowhood.’ The study, conducted through the University of London was published in the British Medical Journal (1971) and attracted a great deal of attention.

Olson et al. (1985), a group of physicians from North Carolina decided to replicate Rees’ study. Fifty-two interviews were completed with forty-six widows and six widowers. Sixty-one per cent of the widows reported hallucinatory experiences of their deceased spouse. As with Rees’ study all the widows recalled their marriages as mostly happy and all but one reported actively practicing her religious faith. The mean age of these widows was eighty years. Visual (79%), auditory (50%), and tactile (21%) experiences were reported. Eighteen percent reported they had talked with their deceased spouse. These authors considered a new nomenclature was needed because of the stigma associated with the word ‘hallucination’. The term had an unfortunate connotation associated with mental illness. In most studies of bereavement and grief it was an infrequent occurrence for the bereaved to be asked about any unusual experiences or to mention such experiences to their local doctor for fear of being labeled pathological or mentally unstable because of their grief. Rees (1971) and Olson (1985) asked the question whether the widowed did have perceptions of the deceased loved one. Where the question was not asked directly these experiences were not usually talked about and it could be surmised that a large number of grief studies have missed out on this significant aspect of the mourning and grief process. Yet a multinational Gallup survey conducted in

39 sixteen Western countries produced widespread claims of personal contacts with the dead (Haraldsson 1988).

Osis and Haraldsson conducted a pilot study and then an extensive cross-cultural survey with physicians and nurses in the United States (1961-64) and India (1972- 73) on the hallucinatory experiences of terminal patients and published the results in their ground-breaking book, At The Hour Of Death (1990). Most of the four hundred and seventy-one cases they recorded occurred within twenty-four hours of death and were of deceased relatives and friends whom the patients perceived, often joyfully, as coming to ‘take them away’ (Osis & Haraldsson 1990, p. 62). The visions were brief. These experiences seemed to occur independent of medication and the nature of the disease. Theirs was the first major study of death-bed visions since the research published by Sir William Barrett in 1926. They observed: Although most patients apparently drift into oblivion without awareness of it, there are some, clearly conscious to the end, who say they ‘see’ into the beyond and who are able to report their experiences before expiring. They see apparitions of deceased relatives and friends. They see religious and mythological figures, They see non-earthly environments characterized by light, beauty and intense color. These experiences are transformative. They bring with them serenity, peace, elation, and religious emotions (Osis & Haraldsson 1990, p. 2).

Andrew Greeley (1995) was struck by the high incidence of claimed experiences of contact with the deceased in Olson’s research. Using data collected by the American National Opinion Research Center (NORC) in 1984, 1988, and 1989 he analysed the question, ‘How often have you felt as though you were really in touch with someone who had died?’ Forty-two percent of the respondents reported ‘contact’ with the dead. Of the 397 widowed in the sample, 340 were women and 57 were men. The proportion of widows reporting contact with the dead ‘at least once or twice’ was sixty-four percent. This was virtually the same proportion as that recorded by Olson et al. (1985).

Other research into experiencing the deceased was being examined in various geographically and demographically distributed populations throughout the world. Kalish and Reynolds (1973) working in the field of public health conducted an interview survey among four ethnic communities in the greater Los Angeles area. They asked the question, ‘Have you ever experienced or felt the presence of anyone after he or she has died?’ Forty-four per cent replied ‘yes’ to the question. There were significant ethnic differences. Black and Mexican Americans (55% and 54%) reporting the highest number of ‘yes’ responses and English and Japanese Americans (38% and 29%) the lowest. Most encounters occurred through dreams. Almost two hundred respondents had a non-dream visit experience where the deceased appeared or spoke (73%), were felt to be present (21%), or were felt to touch the respondent (6%). The researchers concluded that the individual realities of a substantial proportion of residents of one urban area included interpersonal perceptions of dead persons who had returned. They were not targeting the bereaved in this study but whether ethnicity was a factor.

Haraldsson (1988) was continuing his research in Iceland and a ‘Survey of Claimed Encounters with the Dead’ found one hundred persons who had a direct experience of a dead person. Eighty-four encounters were of a sensory nature: visual, auditory, tactile or olfactory, and sixteen reported a vivid feeling of an imperceptible presence. Several modalities were involved for some encounters. He identified the conditions under which the claimed encounter had occurred. It had been theorized that apparitional experiences are most likely when external stimulation is minimal. He found that there was little support for this theory as forty-four interviewees reported experiencing apparitions in daylight or full electric light. He found more support in the data for the theoretical position that apparitional experiences occur more often when a person is resting or drowsy. In his sample one third were resting, another third had just awakened or were on the point of going to sleep. Another third, however, reported going about their daily activities.

In the thanatological literature apparition experiences are frequently associated with grief and bereavement. In Haraldsson’s data grief and bereavement played a minor role. The medical and physiological factors known to cause hallucinations were absent as the interviewees were in a normal, healthy state. He cautiously speculated that these experiences were possibly something more than ‘just hallucinations’ (1988, p. 112).

A new word was needed to describe these experiences of normal sane people who were mourning the loss of a loved one (Stevenson 1983). Hallucinations (unshared sensory experiences having no identified external physical stimulus) are important symptoms of a variety of mental illnesses, particularly psychoses. Yet many people who had one or several memorable hallucinatory experiences were not mentally ill. But they were telling few people, or no one, about them. They also rarely knew that many other people were having unusual sensory experiences similar to their own.

Since that time and the work of later researchers the nomenclature has changed and is more often referred to now as an After-Death Communication of a particular type (Drewry 2003; Guggenheim 1997; LaGrand 1997;) or After Death Contact (Whitney 1992) or Experiencing the Deceased (Devers 1994). There is still however strong pressure not to talk about the experience (Devers 1994; Grimby et al. 1993).

The Near Death Experience and the ADC There were other influences during this period. A significant one was Raymond Moody’s ground-breaking research in the mid 1970’s of Near-Death Experiences (NDE). He provided one hundred and fifty testimonies of experiences of those who though thought to be 'dead' had returned from death by resuscitation or otherwise, to report amazing experiences of being in another world while they were in this state. This study had enormous impact. The publication of Moody’s book Life After Life (1976) was a watershed moment. Although many were sceptical, particularly in the scientific and medical worlds, a movement began

where many practitioners of medicine and fellow experiencers began to explore this phenomenon (Fenwick 1995; Grey 1985; Ring 1982, 1985; Sabom 1982; Sutherland 1992).

Reports of experiences of an after-life peopled with those who had died including deceased relatives and friends, other-worldly beings and scenes of beauty and learning, joy and bliss, and a Being of Light began to percolate into everyday reading. The study of NDE has been a major research focus since Moody’s book appeared. There is an overlap between the NDE and After-Death Communication experiences. In the NDE there is often a report of meeting a deceased family member in another dimension. In the after-death contact the deceased loved one returns and makes contact within this dimension. The after-effects in both experiences are reported to be healing and life-changing.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross – Death, Dying and the ADC Another major influence was the work of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (1970, 1985, 1997). She brought dying out of the closet and allowed it to be openly discussed. Her work with dying patients and their families, the stories she had been told, and her own experiences threw more light on the significance of experiences of ADC for the dying and their families who were grieving. Her work, together with the increasing numbers of reports of unusual or paranormal experiences around death, lifted some of the fears of talking about death and also resulted in improved care and awareness for the dying and the bereaved (Barbato 2000, p. 209).

Initially she was highly sceptical that there was any life after death. She described in her autobiography how she tried to come up with a true definition of death as she thought about her patients who had died. She recognised she could talk and touch someone one day and the next morning they were not there. Their body was, but that was like touching a piece of wood. Something was missing - life itself. She noticed how patients, even the angriest of them, relaxed moments before death. Others appeared to have extremely vivid experiences with deceased loved ones as they neared death themselves, talking with people she could not see.

In virtually every case death was preceded by a peculiar serenity (Kubler-Ross 1997, p. 170). It led her to reflect on questions like: What do people experience at the moment they die? In what form does life leave? And where, if anywhere does it go? As she opened herself to these questions she found more and more people telling her of near-death experiences and of their contacts with others who had died before.

A most challenging experience for her came in 1970 when she was just about to stop giving her Death and Dying seminars to students, so dispirited had she become. As she was walking down a hallway in the University of Chicago one day she came face-to-face with Mrs. Schwartz, the first person to recount a near- death experience to her. She was a patient who had died ten months previously. ‘She hovered in the air almost transparent, and she smiled at me as if we knew each other.’ She accompanied Elisabeth to her office saying she had to come back to speak to her. She said, ‘Dr. Ross, I had to come back for two reasons. Number one is to thank you and Reverend Gaines for all you have done for me.’ Elisabeth Kubler-Ross says she touched her pen, papers and coffee cup to make sure they were real! ‘However, the second reason I came back is to tell you not to give up your work on death and dying . . . not yet. Your work has just begun. We will help you’ (Kubler-Ross 1997 p. 177).

When she tells the story of Mrs. Schwartz, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross knows she is moving into territory that most academics would dismiss with scepticism and disbelief. She protests that her scientific mind did not leave her and is quite clear that she touched Mrs. Schwartz, that she walked and talked with Mrs. Schwartz and that she even got her to write a note to Renford Gaines. This particular event was, to put it literally, otherworldly. Having an experience like that, it is not surprising that Elisabeth Kubler-Ross changed her mind. It finally persuaded her what her life’s work was to be. She began to re-focus her work on death and dying towards the after-life.

Her influence in acknowledging the possibility of after-death communication on those who are inclined to be more sceptical has been considerable. Although she is still chiefly known for her work with the dying, her books contain many stories about after-death contacts that she has been told from her experiences with the dying and their families. She believes a time will come when ‘we will ultimately understand that death is not an end but a new beginning, simply a transition into a higher state of consciousness’ (Kubler-Ross 1990, p. xi).

The three great early thinkers, James, Jung and Myers, were open to all that was yet undiscovered, unproved by the scientific approach. They saw that more understanding than was presently available at that time would have to manifest. James thought it would take a hundred years. Myers tried to bring this about by his contacts with mediums after his death through the reported Cross Correspondences (Smith 1999 p. 103). Jung believed that ‘a great deal will yet be discovered which our present limited view would have ruled out as impossible’ (Jung 1983, p. 331). Moody and Kubler-Ross, in following on from them began to report and publish their experiences in ways that brought the phenomena of experiences of the after-life into the public arena. This was the beginning of more open discussion of these experiences particularly in relation to death and dying and the experience of grief and loss.

Reasons for ADC An ongoing subject of exploration in this period was, if the dead return, how do they return and why do they want to return in these great numbers that have come through anecdotal accounts. There appear to be many reasons why the deceased contact the living and they also appear to have remained constant through the centuries. One of the most common appears to be to give reassurance to the survivor that the deceased is all right and to bring comfort in that knowledge. Unfinished business and to provide help and support for the bereaved loved one are also frequent among the reasons for the purported contacts. Sometimes the deceased may bring information about a death, the deceased’s death or another

45 impending death. The deceased may want to convey a message of the deceased’s continuing life and love (Myers 1992). Currie names two motives that came out of his study - a loving concern for particular living persons, and a temporary confusion on the part of the recently dead over their new ‘state’ (Currie 1998, p. 35). Osis also found from the reports in his study that when contact was made with someone who was actually dying, sixty-nine percent of the time the purpose was to help the dying person move on to the next life (Osis & Haraldsson 1990, p. 31).

Finucane (1984) explored this aspect of contact with the deceased and from his study gave a range of reasons as to why the deceased apparently make themselves present to the living. Some of these included informing the living of the death of the deceased, naming the deceased’s murderer, revealing the location of important objects or papers, requesting a proper burial, reassuring the living that there is an after-life, asking for forgiveness, giving messages, asking for unfinished tasks to be completed and fulfilling a pact to return after death.

Recent Research - The Last Fifteen Years 1990 to 2004 The last fifteen years has seen a new and burgeoning interest in the whole phenomenon of contact with the deceased and ADC experiences. There has been a desire to collect data more systematically and to publish it more widely. As a special research focus the subject is new-born (LaGrand 1997). Several different strands of research are emerging as interest in the topic has grown and accounts of the experience have been published in the popular press and on internet websites. Encounters with the spirits of dead people have also been themes in a number of modern films eg. ‘Ghost’ (1994), ‘What Dreams May Come’ (1998), ‘Sleepless in Seattle’, ‘The Sixth Sense’ (1999). Although the popular appeal of these films suggests they respond to a curiosity about an after-life the general public and many professional counsellors are still hardly aware of the breadth and depth of the phenomena (LaGrand 1997).

The strands which have been emerging in recent research include accounts of the experience and the range of ways that survivors report experiencing the deceased (Guggenheim 1997; LaGrand 1997, 1999; Whitney 1992; Wright 2002). The prevalence of these experiences in the normal process of grief and mourning and their helpfulness in resolving and reducing grief and mourning has been a major emphasis (Conant 1992; Devers 1994; Drewry 2003; Grimby et al.1993; LaGrand 1997, 1999, 2001; Sutherland 1997).

There has also been a growing interest in the extraordinary nature of these human experiences and their effects. Understanding them in the context of transpersonal psychology as paranormal, transpersonal and spiritual experiences is also opening up (Devers 1997; Drewry 2003; LaGrand 1997; White 1994, 1997, 1998). In parapsychological research the findings remain controversial and researchers have argued among themselves how to interpret them.

The shift in focus by researchers in recent years has been towards looking at the reported direct and spontaneous experiences of contact with the deceased, fuller descriptions of these experiences and the different ways in which they can occur. There has been less emphasis on statistics and quantitative methodologies. There has been more emphasis on qualitative approaches and the influence of transpersonal psychology in understanding their transforming effects. While these phenomena are still being studied in the parapsychological field, recent researchers have more often come out of the social sciences like psychology and sociology.

In the nineteenth century research was more focused towards recording the experiences as a way of supporting post-mortem survival. The present emphasis has moved away from survival using the methods of science towards understanding these extraordinary experiences in the context of bereavement and grief, and their normality and frequency as reported human experiences of an extraordinary kind. Although there has been less emphasis on looking at

particular groups like widows, parents, children, grandparents and other relationships, it is still part of ongoing research.

The Issue of Terminology In the early part of this recent period the subject of encounters with the deceased was a controversial issue and there was some confusion regarding how to describe it or name it. People who talked about their experiences found it difficult to describe them and listeners were often quite fearful and biased against believing in the phenomena. This meant those who had the experience were reluctant to talk about it. Also there was a lack of a standardised terminology and a number of names were applied to the phenomena such as encountering the deceased, post- death communication, paranormal experience, after-life communication, after- death contact, death-bed vision, extraordinary experience and the historical term of hallucinatory experience. The term, ‘after-death communication’ (ADC) is of fairly recent origin. It was coined by Bill and Judy Guggenheim who in 1995 published the first book in the popular press focusing on the role of ADC experiences in the lives of the bereaved. It is now the most usual way of describing the experience. Although there are many accounts of ADC phenomena dating back for centuries, it is only in little more than the last decade that this designation has been used to distinguish these phenomena from all the other types of similar subject matter.

Recent Significant Researchers The Guggenheims defined an ADC as a ‘spiritual experience that occurs when someone is contacted directly and spontaneously by a deceased family member or friend’ (1997, p. 16). Directly meant the contact was made without the involvement of a medium. Spontaneously meant the deceased chose the where, when and how of the contact. The Guggenheim Project was a seven-year study. Over two thousand people were interviewed and over three thousand first hand accounts of ADCs in the USA and Canada were collected. The Guggenheims

48 identified twelve of the most frequently experienced ADCs and compiled over three hundred of these for their book, Hello From Heaven (1997). Their hope was that this new field of research would convince the reader that death is simply a transition from the physical world to life in a spiritual realm. They aimed to do this by sharing the firsthand accounts they had compiled and inviting the reader to read with an open mind. Sceptics, some scientists and anti-survivalists advance other explanations to account for these experiences.

Louis LaGrand, grief counsellor and educator, also researched the topic in the context of the bereaved for over fifteen years before publishing the first book of his experiences. His published works (1997, 1999, 2001) provide accounts with many different people, clients, colleagues, students and others. His emphasis is on showing how, in working with the bereaved and helping them find deeper understanding, comfort and reassurance, professional counsellors and the friends and family of the bereaved can help to support those in grief who share these experiences.

Devers (1994) in her doctoral research studied the experience of twenty-two participants who were mourning the loss of a loved one. She looked at what it was like to experience the deceased and how they came to reconcile their personal experiences with the general public’s disbelief and disapproval. Whitney (1992) used a questionnaire for twenty-four respondents and a follow-up interview with six of these, looking at the types of experience and the after-effects. In her sample of nineteen females and five males she found that more respondents reported being contacted by a grandparent than by any other relative. The next most common contact was between parent and child. A wide variety of contact experiences were reported with some respondents having more than one experience. The bias towards grandparent contact has not been evident in other reports so the particular sample may have been biased towards a younger group of respondents. A recent phenomenological study examined the role of the ADC in recovery from grief and loss (Drewry 2003). This study explored the lived

experience of seven self-selecting participants who reported forty ADC events. Her research confirmed existing research as to types of experiences and beneficial outcomes. She did not distinguish particular relationships in her accounts of the experiences.

Wright (2002) in her recently published study documents over one hundred contact experiences ‘by normal everyday folk.’ She came to her study through extensive psychokinetic experiences which she attributed to the presence of her deceased husband. She found that the majority of her interviewees were not only bereaved spouses but also included deceased parents, children, grandparents, siblings and friends. She discovered that psychic abilities were often evident in those who had had ADCs, and in particular that the psychic abilities could be related to difficult childhood experiences and abusive family situations (Wright 1999). Other recent research includes Conant’s study of widow’s experiences of intrusive memory and ‘sense of presence’ (1992), a Swedish study of bereavement among elderly people (Grimby 1993) and a study of young adults who lost their parents (Meshot and Leitner, 1993) and could say ‘I feel he/she is still with me at times’ (cited in Wright 2002, p. 11).

Most of the research has focused more on the types of the experiences than on the types of relationship where the experience occurred. Devers (1994), LaGrand (1997), and Guggenheim (1997), do not focus on any particular type of relationship where contact was made but within the accounts give examples from every type of relationship: parents, children, grandparents, siblings, spouses, friends and relatives. There is quite a comprehensive understanding of the different categories of the experience.

Experiences of contact around the time of death received attention from Wright (1999) who interviewed sixty-one ‘sane healthy adults’ who had sensed contact with the dead and described their experiences, some of which were veridical. Twenty-three of these at first sight appeared to be death coincidences but with

further investigation she found many of them had questionable or ambiguous aspects. However, she found thirteen of her subjects told of fourteen experiences which ‘seemed to be valid death coincidences.’ One of these was a sense of presence. My wife and I were walking along and I had an overpowering feeling of the presence of this man, Harper B. who had been my mentor for maybe ten years, a very spiritual and knowledgeable person. I didn’t see him, it was dark, about eight or nine o’clock at night. He lived in California which was hundreds of miles away. Now Harper was not ill. I was not concerned about him at all. This just came out of the blue. I stopped in my tracks and said ‘Harper!’ I was just filled with the sense of him. It was a feeling of intense euphoria, like he was within me or we were one. I was overwhelmed by his presence and it was all positive. Then I talked to my wife about him a bit and we finished our walk and got home. And the next morning a call came that he had died the night before (Wright 2002, p. 24).

‘Death coincidences’ are closely related to death-bed visions. Barrett’s study of death bed-visions was first published in 1924 and Osis and Haraldsson’s study, At the Hour of Death, in 1977. Death-bed visions (DBVs) have been the subject of a recent study and a book, One Last Hug Before I Go, by Carla Wills-Brandon (2000). She provides reported experiences of many contemporary visionary experiences by the dying around the time of death, and also accounts of ADCs. She tells of her experience of the beginning of her journey towards this research. She awoke one morning with a strong sense her mother had died, and subsequently found that two of her mother’s friends had also woken at the same time and knew she was gone. ‘We all felt her leave this life’ (2000, p. 147). DBVs include visions experienced not only by the dying but also by their survivors moments or longer before the time of death (2000, p. 11).

Wright (2002) also found most of those she interviewed who had experiences around the time of death had had more than one ‘psi’ experience and some had had many such experiences. The word psi covers a broad range of paranormal phenomena including telepathy, clairvoyance, precognition and psychokinesis. The frequency of other types of psi-experiences suggested that these subjects

were sensitive to psychic experiences. This sub-group comprised one fifth of her total cohort. They had reported having convincing death coincidences – sensations of contact within the twenty-four hour period that bracketed a loved one’s death – and in nine of these cases a paranormal event occurred within minutes of the death (2002, p. 29). This was confirmatory of the frequency of death coincidences reported earlier by the SPR. These death-related encounters contribute to a broader understanding of the ADC experience.

Types of ADC Experiences Reported The majority of the published studies focus on the various types or forms of ADC experience. The advances in understanding these extraordinary paranormal experiences has come through these published accounts. They are described as coming through actual sensory experiences, through the sense of presence, through dreams or in symbolic ways and through psi experiences involving telepathy, clairvoyance and psychokinesis. They are described as coming through one mode or through several modes at the same time. They are almost always initiated by the deceased and usually occur when the survivor is not even thinking of the deceased (Devers 1994, p. 55). They occur at various times of the day or night and tend to be brief, a few seconds to several minutes. Although most occur soon after death some people have multiple experiences occurring over many years (LaGrand 1997). The following is a review of the main categories.

Sensing a presence One of the most common experiences is the sense of an unseen presence close by. People report that they know when the loved one arrives and leaves (Guggenheim 1997; Sutherland 1997). Even after death there is recognition of the feeling of the energy of the person. Survivors often get a sense of the emotions and overall mood. It is difficult to explain to someone who has not experienced how real it feels. The Guggenheim research reports the experience of Eleanor, a psychotherapist, who had a number of visits from her father: For some years after he passed away, I would become aware of his presence. I felt the depth of his presence, the whole sense of him.

It was the feeling of the way he was when he was alive and well. The feeling of him was very distinct, very warm and very supportive. My father was encouraging me to go on with my life and not to be upset with his death (1997, p. 31).

There is an intuitive awareness or inner knowing that the energy or spirit of the deceased loved one is in the same room or area. There is no reasoning or logic involved. There is a spontaneous arrival. All who sense the presence of the deceased are convinced the experience is real and not imagined and often receive a meaningful nonverbal message. They can occur anywhere at any time and bring reassurance, love, comfort, and inherent trust in the reality of the unseen (LaGrand 1997). William James describes it well. The person affected will feel a ‘presence’ in the room, definitely localized, facing in one particular way, real in the most emphatic sense of the word, often coming suddenly, and as suddenly gone; and yet neither seen, heard, touched, nor cognized in any of the usual ‘sensible’ ways (James 1958, p. 62).

Sometimes the presence of the deceased is sensed before knowing the death has occurred. There is a feeling the person has come to say goodbye. Where this happens there is additional evidence for the reality of the ADC (Guggenheim 1997). Sutherland shares an account from a bereaved mother who was on holiday in Queensland, Australia, thousands of kilometres from her son when he died of a heart attack. She felt a movement behind her as she stood at the kitchen sink. ‘All of a sudden I knew that someone was standing behind me, and I can’t explain how it is but I just knew that somebody was there’ (Sutherland 1997, p. 57). A few hours later she received a telephone call to tell her of her son’s death.

Experiences of presence occur most often in the first week following death although they can also occur up to six months or a year later. Rarely do they occur in later years. Whether the experience is described as an intuitive process of consciousness or as a psychic awareness, intuition and psychic ability are closely related. Frances Vaughan says ‘extrasensory perception, clairvoyance and telepathy are part of the intuitive function’ (1979, p. 3). It would be interesting to

53 know if highly intuitive people have more experiences of presence than people who are more sensate in their way of acquiring information. This could be a subject for further study. Where one’s religious beliefs are involved at the same time as the experience of the loved one there is often a sense of a spiritual or mystical presence (LaGrand 1997). Mystical religious experience is also an intuitive perception of reality (Vaughan 1979).

Dreams of the Deceased These dreams are often described as visitation dreams or ‘sleep state’ ADCs. How do people know that the dream experience is not just an ordinary dream? What makes it different? The research shows that survivors easily distinguish visitation dreams from ordinary dreams. They feel like face-to-face visits and are orderly, coloured, vivid and memorable (Guggenheim 1997, p. 142). This is in contrast to ordinary dreams that are usually more fragmented, jumbled and difficult to remember. There also tends to be a simple interaction between the deceased and the living person. Devers (1994) reported that many people had dreams of the deceased that they viewed as visitation dreams because they occurred in a normal time frame and in a realistic setting. She found that one of her participants was able to be introspective while engaging in dialogue with the deceased.

Apparitions of the dead in dreams have a long history. Many interpretations have been offered as to the meaning of these dreams, whether they symbolise the dreamer’s attitude to death and loss or are an indicator of some resolution of the grief process. Another interpretation would see the dream about the dead as symbolising some loss, transformation or rebirth of some part of the dreamer (Vaughan 1979). Aniela Jaffe (1979) has written a book of dreams of the dead which she interprets in Jungian terms as manifesting archetypes and representing instructions from the collective unconscious. Von Franz (1986) writes in On Dreams and Death that it seems that one can ‘feel’ whether the figure of a dead person in a dream is being used as a symbol for some inner reality or whether it

really represents the dead. She also notes that her own dreams of the dead were interpreted by Jung on the objective level, ‘which at the time was rather astonishing to me’ (1986, p.xv).

Barrett (1992) examined dreams about the dead from college students who kept a dream diary and analysed those where the dreamer knows the person is dead. She found there were four categories of activities reported: the deceased wanted to discuss the situation surrounding their death, delivered messages to the living, sought to change the circumstances of their death, or gave loved ones a chance to say good-bye. She found that the type of dream often reflected the stage of grief the young person was in at the time. Some of these dreams seemed to be more metaphors than visitation dreams.

Jung would say dreams are a product of the unconscious mind and bring important communications from the inner world of the dreamer, yet some survivors reported that the deceased broke into an ordinary dream with a message for the dreamer (Guggenheim 1997, p. 143). Regular dreams are based on memories and other material from the subconscious mind. Stanley Krippner would see dreams not only as providing important clues into the concerns of the unconscious mind but also as an altered state of consciousness in which psychic experiences are better able to manifest themselves (Fontana 2002). Visitation dreams of the deceased can be seen as a particular type of psychic experience. In visitation dreams the dreamer is conscious of the change in the quality of the dream when the deceased enters the dream. Researchers have found that visitation dreams are unlike other dreams. They are ordinary, in familiar surroundings, yet powerful and memorable and often provide the bereaved with explicit or symbolic messages. These messages often give comfort and relieve worries. Widows, in particular, often report dreams of love and encouragement. One dream reported by a widow shows these characteristics. In this dream I came home and walked through the back door into the kitchen. From there I saw a light in the living room and asked ‘Is anyone home?’ I walked into the living room and Bill was

sitting in his favorite chair. He was smiling. I went over to him, bent down with my face next to his, and he kissed me and said, “I love you.” When I woke up I felt he was somewhere around. … It was comforting (LaGrand 1997, p. 151).

Many people have dreams of someone who has died. In most cases they are simply ordinary dreams and deal with loss or anxiety surrounding the death. Both ordinary dreams and visitation dreams can help in resolving grief. Research has found that no matter how vivid or simple a non-visitation dream or a visitation dream is, the dreamer will be able to distinguish between the two (Devers 1997, p. 62). Wright describes how one of her informants felt about her dreams. It’s like you’re in the physical realm … In these dreams I can remember details. I can visually see them. And I can recall the feeling of the touch when [my late husband] put his arms around me. And each time after I woke up, I felt a glorious, deep sense of peace (2002, p. 190).

Frances Vaughan (1987) tells the story of a dream she had shortly after her mother died. Although she clearly remembers the dream she makes no judgement for herself as to the type of dream experience it is. I dreamed that I had a conversation with her in which I knew she was dead and asked her to tell me about her death. It was a meaningful dream for me because the interaction that I experienced in the dream was free of all the difficulties in communication we had experienced during her lifetime. I felt completely reconciled with her. Some belief systems would suggest that in this dream I was actually communicating with my mother as a disembodied entity (1987, p. 141).

Like many people, Vaughan at that time did not believe it was necessary to hold such a belief. She left it open as to whether it was a subjective experience or a projection and felt no need to explain it as for her, whatever it was, it was a completion of her relationship with her mother and gave her an acceptance of her mother’s death.

Though there are many anecdotal reports of dreams of the deceased, this area of ADC has not been extensively researched. Jung (1983) wrote about his experiences of contact with his wife, his father, and a friend in dreams. Kalish

and Reynolds (1973) found that most of the reported contacts with the deceased of the ethnic groups they interviewed occurred in dreams. Wright (2002) provided a number of anecdotal dream accounts in her book, three were dreams informing of a death, another gave information about a lost object, and in others, on waking there were other signs that the contact had been real.

Sense of Smell There are many stories of experiencing the deceased through the sense of smell. The smell is usually one that is characteristic of the person or closely associated with them. It usually evokes memories and associations from the relationship. It may be a favorite perfume, a smell of tobacco, or the perfume of roses where there are none. Not infrequently the sense of smell is interpreted as a farewell. In these experiences there is a strong belief that the deceased is absent in body but that their spirit is still present (LaGrand 1997). Olfactory experiences also often involve more than one person. An experience of a man whose wife had died was a very comforting experience. One evening about a month after Roberta passed on, I went to our bedroom to get ready for bed. I suddenly felt her presence and smelled her after-shower splash, Jean Nate. That’s what she used all the time. It was very, very strong and lasted for seven to ten minutes, and then the aroma was gone. Exactly the same thing happened three times in the past one and a half years. There was no Jean Nate in the house…… Each of these experiences lessened my grieving. I think she was trying to tell me that she is okay and is waiting for me when I pass on (Guggenheim 1994, p. 69).

In earlier research Haraldsson (1988) reported five cases (5%) of an olfactory nature. Rees (1971) and Olsen et al. (1984) did not report any olfactory experiences. LaGrand (1997) and Guggenheim (1995) give a number of anecdotal accounts of olfactory experiences in their studies.

Feeling a Touch The Guggenheim (1997) research found that the experience of touch was a less common experience of contact and usually occurred between people who have had a very close relationship. Devers (1994) found the experience varied greatly.

The touch could range from a light feathery touch to a firm solid touch. The sensation is described as very solid and real particularly when the touch is experienced as a hug or as being held. Tactile experiences are also often accompanied by the sensation of sight and sound. LaGrand (1997) found that the tactile experience leaves an indelible and unforgettable mark on the psyche of the survivor. Touch experiences and embraces frequently occur in the ‘dream state’ ADC. Experiencers report that the sense of touch experienced in a dream can feel as real and meaningful as when it happens in the waking state.

The Auditory Experience Researchers found these experiences were very common. There were several different types of auditory experience. Some heard an audible voice from an external source, some heard the voice within their mind but were certain the voice originated from a place outside of them. Some heard a voice in combination with a vision or a sense of touch. Messages tended to be brief and to the point – like telegrams. Some heard laughter (Devers 1994). Some report a dialogue in the mind, a mind-to-mind communication. Some do not hear a voice either externally or internally, rather they mentally receive thoughts that are independent of their own mind. Some survivors experienced the deceased loved one as able to read their mind and respond telepathically to the thought the survivor was having (Guggenheim 1997).

Parapsychologists have shown that telepathic communication can take place between the living and therefore presumably between the living and the deceased. Some would say these are auditory hallucinations coming from grief where expected behaviours from loved ones are being re-experienced, like footsteps or a door opening and the sound of one’s name. Often the stigma associated with hearing voices can inhibit survivors sharing their experience. Yet hearing voices or sounds associated with loved ones is not uncommon and is usually a source of comfort, insight, relief and reassurance (LaGrand 1997).

The Visual Experience Apparitions, visions, ghosts and dreams are variously described as ways of visually experiencing a deceased loved one. An apparition can be a full appearance of a complete body that looks solid and real or a partial appearance. A partial appearance is described as a form surrounded by light or ‘a bright light, only the upper portion of a body, or as a complete body ranging in solidity from a transparent mist to not quite solid’ (Guggenheim 1997, p.76). Partial experiences are also reported as a light, or as just a face in a light.

Many people report seeing the deceased as looking like a living person or like a spiritual entity. These phenomena are commonly reported experiences. The visual experience is one with many forms. Full appearances where the apparition appears solid and in good health are a source of great comfort as the deceased loved one is seen as healed and looking quite different from the appearance prior to death. The deceased often appear younger and dressed in clothing that is meaningful to the mourner. Many radiate serenity, happiness and love. Even the highly sceptical who report such experiences are changed by them. They are extremely powerful experiences for the survivor as they are confirmatory that the deceased loved one is fully alive in some other dimension. The visionary experiences occur as in ‘a picture’ externally or internally in the mind. External ADC visions seen with eyes open can be compared to looking at a projection of a 35mm slide. (Guggenheim 1997, p. 112). Internal ADC visions, seen in the mind, are experienced with eyes open or closed

The early members of the SPR were very interested in apparitions and these were among the first phenomena studied (Gurney, Myers & Podmore, 1886). This was followed by the Census of Hallucinations (1894) and by other reports of apparitions in the Society’s Proceedings in later years. There have been a number of other studies including Finucane (1984), Green and McCreery (1975), Mackenzie (1983), Tyrell (1962).

Apparitional experiences are experienced in many ways. ‘Seeing’ is the most frequent sense modality for this experience. The apparition can look so lifelike that it is mistaken for a flesh-and-bones person. Its true nature is realised when it suddenly disappears. Sounds, such as steps approaching and doors opening and closing, are often heard. Touch, smell, and temperature sensations may be reported. Apparitions usually are of short duration. Often animals also react - dogs growl, cats bristle.

The terms used for these experiences were often used interchangeably – visions, ghosts and apparitions. Another term that was used was ‘visual hallucination’ which carries a negative connotation in many people’s minds of psychosis or mental illness. This is a term which the recent scientific literature uses to label a visual sighting of the deceased and it usually implies pathology (LaGrand 1997). Psychology has no other language to describe a visual experience than ‘hallucination’ and it is usually attributed to the stress of grief.

Most vision or apparition experiences have been found to occur soon after the death of the person and usually in the familiar surroundings of home, often in a favorite chair or place. The experiences are usually brief. When they come as a double surprise and the recipient does not know the person is dead they strongly indicate credible evidence of post-mortem survival. They are utterly convincing to the receiver who knows they are neither imaginary nor just hallucinations. The power and impact of the experience remains and is not forgotten in its detail even years later. This was the experience of a college student who saw her father the night after the funeral. That evening I took a shower to relax. I got dressed and came out of the bathroom … As I turned to the right I saw my father standing at the end of my hall. He had had several strokes before he died and was partially paralysed. He didn’t look like he did before he died. He was vibrant and healthy and looked the way he did before he was ever sick. He stood there a few seconds, smiled, and gently faded away…The experience helped me because I knew he was finally happy, not suffering anymore (LaGrand 1997, p.58).

Mackenzie’s (1983) research into apparitions was extensive. At the conclusion of his study he commented that ‘examples of apparitions of the living are still reported in considerable numbers ... and if we are to accept the reports of such cases, they may indicate that man has an etheric body’ (1983 p. 242). When he first studied apparitions he thought the evidence pointed to their being, in the main, subjective experiences, but he came to accept that ‘some apparitions might be what Professor Price calls “real objects … neither mental not physical but betwixt and between”’ (1983 p. 242).

That apparitions occur is not questioned. However there are many theories as to their cause. Mackenzie comments on other researchers. He quotes a letter from Osis suggesting that there may be different kinds of apparitions with different origins. The Gurney hypothesis interpreted apparitions as mental hallucinations created in response to telepathic images. Myers saw them as real objects intruding into the external space of the observer. Raynor C. Johnson suggested that apparitions are etheric images, created currently or in the past, by some mental act (Mackenzie 1983, p. 244). LaGrand comments that ‘there is no clear agreement among parapsychologists regarding what causes apparitions’ and further comments that ‘whether it is an internally generated process or the result of an independent outside process will be the subject of eternal debate’ (1997 p. 132).

Other Types of Experiences Other experiences include psychokinesis or a movement of physical objects, or lights turning on and off. The latter was significant for Wright (1998) as a sign of her husband’s presence. Symbolic experiences which come through natural phenomena like birds and animals or which bring meaningful signs to the bereaved are also frequent. Out of body experiences are also reported. Telephone calls are often experienced where the phone rings and a voice is heard speaking, usually briefly. Barrett (1992) found in her sample that a large number of the dead telephoned in dreams.

Grief and the ADC Experience The other emphasis in recent research has been on exploring how these extraordinary encounters affect the grieving process. The published research thus far has established that ADCs are not merely grief-induced hallucinations, or the delusions of people who are mentally ill or the result of an over-active imagination. They are commonly occurring human experiences and are usually helpful and comforting; they facilitate the grieving process and enable mourners to come to peace and to move on with their lives. (Devers 1997; Drewry 2003; Grimby 1993; LaGrand 1997, 1999, 2001; Rees 1971; Whitney 1992).

These experiences of contact with the deceased have been found to occur more often in the early phases of grief. Rees (1971) found the occurrence decreased with time following the death of the loved one. His conclusion that these experiences are a normal consequence of widowhood has been further demonstrated in more recent research as these experiences are found so often to be a normal part of the grieving process for many survivors. They occur along a continuum of intensity and affect (Drewry 2003). Some of the experiences for some survivors are reported as uneventful and unemotional, some are disturbing and frightening, some are amazing and wonderful.

Research and writings about bereavement and grief rarely mention these extraordinary experiences as having the significance they have been found to have by researchers (Devers 1994; LaGrand 1997). This perspective has been missed, and is still missed, in grief theory and by those professionals who give counseling support to mourners. In Dr. Beverley Raphael’s Anatomy of Bereavement contact experiences are referred to as follows: The bereaved may believe he hears the return at a familiar time, sees the face in a familiar place, feels the touch of a body, smells a familiar perfume or hears a familiar sound. These perceptual misperceptions reflect the intense longing and, like dreams, are a source of wish fulfillment. They may be experienced as hallucinatory experiences and, as such, although comforting, may also be quite disturbing to the bereaved in their implications (Raphael 1984, p. 40).

Generally the boundaries of reality for most people are still defined by what they think they know about the laws of nature and the universe. For most people the boundaries of reality are situated within a physical world. Perhaps it is not surprising then that many social scientists and educators are of the opinion that the various contact experiences of the bereaved, which are outside the expected parameters, play an insignificant role. They are often categorized as part of the yearning and searching phase of grief (Bowlby 1980).

This is evidenced in the fact that some books on bereavement fail to mention contacts with the deceased in any context and those that do mention it, do it in a peripheral way (McKissock & McKissock 1998; Raphael 1984). By contrast, attention is given to the feelings of guilt, anger and depression as they affect mourners’ responses to grief. They are commonly felt responses to loss and are often part of the journey towards resolving grief. Yet the bereaved who have had ADCs often report these emotional responses are allayed by their experiences. LaGrand admits that in the beginning he too subscribed to the prevailing opinion about these contact experiences. ‘I assumed like many others in my profession that the phenomena of experiencing the presence of the deceased in any manner or form was clearly the result of the stress of bereavement’ (LaGrand 1997, p. 6).

It is clear from his books that he has begun to try to change substantially the thinking about the place of the ADC experience in supporting the mourner. He focuses very specifically on the role of the ADC experience in grief, (LaGrand 1997), although he now prefers to use the term Extraordinary Experience (EE) of the bereaved when describing these encounters (LaGrand 1999, 2001). A grief counsellor and lecturer himself, he has been involved with people in grief for many years. He has been a witness to the journeys of many mourners and has found that the contact experience brings relief and reassurance. In the sharing of their grief mourners have shared their unusual stories of extraordinary encounters and their effects with him. He notes that as he worked with them ‘the magnitude of behavioral changes that took place in the bereaved were immediate and

difficult to ignore’(1997, p. 3). He found that the contact marked a turning point in the mourning process as the grieving person found comfort, new awareness and a sense of peace. Drewry (2003) also discovered the transforming effects of the ADC in her research. The potential for these extraordinary experiences to support the bereaved has been demonstrated in the research and there is a need for professional education about this.

The literature on grief gives little attention to these experiences and there are many psychologists and counsellors who are not aware of the frequency and normalcy of the experiences. It is not easy for the bereaved to share extraordinary and unusual experiences with them. If they are spoken about they are often explained away as a sign of the inability to let go of the deceased. As a result ADC experiences can be a source of anxiety for the survivor and carry the fear of being thought ‘weird’. Devers’ (1994) found that all of her participants believed that their experience was one which the general public would consider pathological.

Counsellors and the medical profession provide support in the physical, emotional and mental stresses of the mourning journey. However sceptical attitudes towards what is considered strange or supernatural usually prevail among professional counsellors and others. As Berger (1995) notes, their own fears of the unknown and of being out of their depth may well contribute to this. Counsellors may be helped and mourners may be relieved were they to be informed that these experiences are not unusual and are shared by others. When the mourners do not feel secure in talking about the encounter they are left to themselves to ponder its meaning. Also they then have no way of knowing that these experiences are considered a normal consequence of widowhood and other relational losses (Grimby 1993; LaGrand 1997; Olsen 1985; Rees 1971). The opportunity for acceptance, support and integration of the loss is lost. Even so, the contact experiences can still be an immense springboard to accepting change, reordering priorities, and to reconciling after grief. This often means their way of thinking

about the deceased can carry positive new inner thoughts and pictures and a confidence in the continuing life of their loved one in another dimension (Devers 1994; LaGrand 1997).

The bereaved need opportunities to freely discuss and express the reality of their unusual encounters. These opportunities are not always easy to access. LaGrand has found some support persons doubt their ability to provide comfort when confronted with a ‘story’ they deem eerie or mysterious. They can become fearful of the bereaved even to the point of questioning their sanity. This need not happen if family members and friends are aware that the event is common and recognize its potential for bringing comfort (1997, pp. 5-6).

Cherie Sutherland (1997) in her book, Beloved Visitors, tells the stories of fifteen parents who survived the grief of the death of a child, which she discovers is debatably the worst experience any parent can have. As she shares their stories she tells of the comfort that an after-death contact experience brings and the assurance of their ongoing life in another sphere. One mother only a matter of months after her daughter’s death reports: Suddenly I heard Jacqueline’s voice, you know, and she said, ‘I don’t know why people are afraid to die. It’s beautiful here’. …I just felt … as though I couldn’t believe it you know. But I knew it wasn’t my imagination (1997, p. 92).

McKissock (1998) talks about dreams in the grief process and that some people experience pleasure from dreams about the person who has died, an opportunity to spend time with them. However he gives no indication that they may be anything more than just dreams. He cites an example of a mother of two teenage sons whose husband of twenty years died suddenly. Two years later she began dating a divorced man and they talked about the possibility of marriage. Some distressing dreams about guilt and being irresponsible as a child, were followed by a dream ‘in which her husband walked with her in the park, held her hand and said, “it’s alright”.’ There is no indication the woman was given the opportunity to talk about the dream as perhaps a ‘visitation’ dream from her husband.

However he notes that she completed counselling soon after the dream (McKissock 1998, p. 108).

Devers (1994), herself from a nursing context, focused on the importance of nurses being able to understand the phenomenological world of the grieving person, so as to be able to participate more effectively in care and in enhancing quality of life. She found the reactions to experiences of the deceased were often complex in relation to the resolving of grief. Incongruent emotions, like feeling happy about having the experience in the middle of grieving, and then re- experiencing feelings of grief after the experience where it felt the person was lost all over again. Despite this, for her participants, there was overall a sense of the continuity of the relationship because of the experience and ‘the mostly pleasant nature of the experiences was a help to resolving grief’ (1994, p. 118).

While not dealing particularly with the processes of grief, the Guggenheim (1997) research provides an abundance of amazing stories, vivid and clearly remembered even after a long time, where there is clear evidence of the wide ranging effects of the experiences. Gratitude, peace, comfort, reassurance, loss of fear of death, confidence in a future life and evidence of a resolution of grief were some of the effects named by the participants in their ADC Project.

In a recent study by Drewry (2003) in which there were seven participants, themes emerged that demonstrated how the purported ADC experiences contributed to recovery from grief in the bereaved participants. She found eight themes emerged from her study. Spontaneity and unexpectedness of ADC established authenticity. Cues for recognition were specific to the deceased and reinforced authenticity. Bereaved considered self-delusion before accepting the experience. After ADC bereaved reported immediate relief, comfort, hope, love, emotional stabilisation, encouragement, forgiveness, and the joy of continuing relationship. ADC assisted bereaved in completing unfinished business with the deceased. Bereaved reframed relationship with the deceased. Bereaved reframed relationship with self, and bereaved may reframe relationship with God or the

divine. Drewry found these themes were common to all her participants, and suggested similarities to the steps in the grieving process.

Difficulty in Sharing the Experience – Managing Disbelief The twenty-two mourners studied by Dever (1994) came to terms with reconciling their personal experiences both in their inner worlds and with the public reality of disbelief and disapproval by firstly finding explanations for their experiences – spiritual, supernatural, psychological or scientific. ‘When participants thought that the experience was both a psychological and a spiritual experience they thought they had actually experienced the deceased’ (1994, p. 98). She discovered if they found a scientific explanation it was difficult for them not to reject the experience unless they also found a spiritual explanation. Spiritual explanations provided the overall framework for believing they had indeed experienced the deceased (1994, p. 101). She also found that participants resolved their dissonance with public reality and integrated their experiences when they felt their own reality was valid, even though it might not be shared. Most of her participants rejected public reality, privately knowing that what they had experienced was real and normal. However they disclosed their experiences selectively, choosing when, why, how and to whom (1994, p. 114).

This is borne out by research in Sweden where such experiences are described as post-bereavement hallucinations and illusions and are ‘hardly recognised …they are spoken about neither publicly nor among relatives or close friends’ (Grimby 1993, p.72). When the participants in the research, widows and widowers in their seventies, were told these experiences were common and normal they began to speak freely. One month after bereavement, eighty-nine percent of the women and fifty-seven percent of the men reported some kind of ADC. Grimby defined them as hallucinations, visual, auditory and tactile experiences of the deceased spouse; or illusions, feeling their presence. The participants expressed relief from thoughts that they ‘might become or be considered insane’. As in the Rees (1971)

study, the frequency and good quality of apparent contacts with the dead were positively correlated with the degree of happiness in marriages.

Research does indicate that if anybody is told about the experience it will first be told quite tentatively to a trusted family member or friend. Depending on the response the bereaved person will then sometimes talk about the experience to others. Doctors are not usually told, nor are grief counsellors or those in the psychology or psychiatric professions. This is particularly so if there is no indication that any of these professionals would be open to hearing about the experience.

An area of further study may be to research why some bereaved have these experiences and others do not. Even for those who have not had such an experience, to know it is possible and may be part of their experience in the future is significant.

The ADC Experience as Paranormal and Transpersonal The realm of the paranormal overlaps extensively with that of the transpersonal. ‘The combination of paranormal and transpersonal seems to be a common feature of a whole range of extraordinary phenomena from shamanic ecstasy to near-death experiences’ (Daniels 1998). In this study I describe the ADC experience as both paranormal and transpersonal. As a paranormal experience, the ADC opens the survivor up to an unseen reality beyond the physical, personal or social worlds. As a transpersonal experience it has transformational effects that influence the whole person, body mind and spirit, in a variety of ways over time.

These extraordinary ADC encounters can be described. They can be shared with others who will listen with an open mind. The difficulty comes when the recipient tries to explain the experience and how it happened. According to the Collins Dictionary a paranormal event is ‘beyond normal explanation.’ A

dictionary of psychology describes a paranormal event as ‘unexplainable using known laws and principles’ (Reber 1985). For many people the biggest block to recognizing direct after-death communication is the idea that paranormal phenomena are not scientifically possible or are in the imagination.

‘Experiencing the deceased may be a phenomenon that has not yet been identified, a little understood paranormal event that puts us in touch with another dimension’ (Devers 1997, p. 35). As all the researchers have discovered, these extraordinary experiences have powerful effects on the recipients even though they are outside what most people consider an ordinary or acceptable experience of reality. They come into closer connection with another reality, the apparently surviving personality of their loved one who has died. They experience the surviving mind or consciousness or soul of the deceased loved one through one or more of a variety of modalities which bring the communication experience. How this happens is not understood. However, it is evident that, there can be sense experiences, or something like them, from places not at the moment occupied by sense organs and brains …, whoever and whatever owns them, they do seem to occur. Nor are they prevented from occurring by the fact that we have at present no language for describing them intelligently (H.H. Price cited in LaGrand 1997, p. 99).

These ‘sense experiences or something like them’ are perceived by the recipients as coming via their senses. They are also perceived as coming psychically through their mind. The existence of psychic abilities as aspects of the human mind has caused a great deal of conflict and confusion among scientists because psi cannot be explained by the biological structure of the brain or by its electrical circuitry. However the study of psi or ESP, as telepathy and clairvoyance, precognition and psychokinesis, among the living, has shown that these capacities do exist and have spiritual implications. (Braude 1997; Braud 1997; Tart 1997). Myers proposed the name ‘telepathy’ for mind to mind communication, describing it as ‘the action of mind on mind apart from the ordinary organs of sense’ (1992 p.175).

The survivors’ experiences of communication from loved ones who have died suggest that surviving minds communicate in ways akin to the ways the minds of the living communicate telepathically. Myers demonstrated in the cases he discussed that those who communicate with us ‘telepathically in this world may communicate with us telepathically from the other’ (1992, p.16). He believed contact with the dead could be understood in a new way because of the observations of the phenomena between the living.

Psi is an umbrella term and is used by parapsychologists to cover all forms of extra sensory perception (ESP) and psychokinesis. Psi, the name of the first letter of the word psyche (Greek: soul) was first used to denote what was generally called the ‘sixth sense’ by Thouless of Cambridge University in 1946. (Watson 1991, p. 265) The sixth sense, or intuition as it is usually termed, overlaps with forms of psi. The sense of presence of the deceased loved one is often described as an intuitive knowing or ‘sixth’ sense as well as a paranormal experience. One respondent reports the intuitive sense of presence that occurred from time to time. From time to time, since the deaths of both my grandfathers, I had had the feeling of the sense of their presence in my bedroom just before going to sleep. …I don’t receive a message. ... It makes me feel reassured that maybe they’re looking after me. The experience reinforces my belief that there is no death, only transformation (LaGrand 1997, p. 44).

The ADC can also be described as an anomalous experience, defined as … ‘an uncommon experience … or one that, although it may be experienced by a substantial amount of the population (e.g. telepathic experience) is believed to deviate from ordinary experience or from the usually accepted explanations of reality’ (Cardena, Lynn & Krippner 2000, p. 4). They are often not understood or accepted in the society, because they are ‘anomalous to our generally accepted cultural storehouse of truths’ (Truzzi cited in Cardena et al. 2000, p. 5). Although the exact nature of psi phenomena is still unknown there is no doubt that there are anomalous psi experiences. ADCs can be described as paranormal experiences and as anomalous psi experiences.

Parapsychologists would say that experiences of communication and contact from the non-physical world ‘appear to entail the existence of a nonphysical or spiritual self’ (Irwin 1989, p. 8) and parapsychology searches for the evidence. Collecting data capable of objective verification that provides information and statistical significance is a major concern to parapsychologists (Daniels 1998). The issue of post-mortem survival has been one of the classic problems of psychical research. Alvarado concludes in his article on the development of parapsychology that ‘parapsychology did not develop in spite of survival but to some extent because of it’ (Alvarado 2003, p. 65). Even though these experiences are still hard to measure, ongoing research has continued and ADC experiences are becoming part of wider research projects.

The transpersonal psychologist aims to understand the ADC experience from a different perspective, the transpersonal perspective. The holistic notion of human beings as comprising mind, body and spirit is integral to this understanding. The different avenues for the ADC experience, body mind and spirit, and the places of intersection, are significant. The field of transpersonal psychology unearths the overlap and speaks to the ways in which each part of the human person contributes to understanding the experience and to understanding and living it within their whole self and within their world. Transpersonal psychology proposes that people are spiritual beings living a human life that extends beyond our skin-encapsulated ego-self to include direct experience of larger domains as well as the ordinary limitations of time and space. (Grof 1998; Walsh & Vaughan 1993; Wilber1996). The reports of visions, apparitions, mind to mind communications, sense of presence, and all the other forms of ADC bring the paranormal and transpersonal domains into the everyday lived human experience.

William Braud (1997), drawing on St Bonaventure, writes of three realms of being and three ways of accessing them. There is the physical sensory realm accessed by the eye of the flesh, a mental realm of ideas, thoughts and images perceived by the eye of the mind, and a spiritual or transcendental realm known

71 through the eye of the spirit. Each eye reveals a different aspect of reality and what is revealed to one eye is not necessarily available to the others.

In the experience of ADC the metaphor of the three eyes expresses something of the breadth and depth of the different encounters, through the senses, through the mind and the psychic senses of mind-to-mind communications and intuition, and through dreams, and even through mystical experiences. They are often understood through the eye of the spirit. As the recipients live deeply and reflectively into their experiences in their bodies, feeling and thoughts, they experience spiritual stirrings as a frequent outcome of their experiences. Their lives are affected in many different ways. The task of the researcher is to convey as is best possible the fullness of the experience as it affects the whole person, body, mind and spirit. The full range of these experiences must be kept in mind in order to see the interaction of the psychic and the spiritual, happening in these real events.

The phenomena of ADC are discussed in different ways, as natural, supernatural or spiritual, or psychic and paranormal (LaGrand 1997) or a combination of all these types of phenomena. Transpersonal psychology accommodates these ways of addressing the ADC experience because it seeks to delve deeply into the most profound aspects of human experiences and to honour the experiences. In transpersonal research, human experiences of the paranormal and spiritual realms demonstrate the transformative effects that can happen.

Daniel’s (1998) in his article, Transpersonal Psychology and the Paranormal, indicates that not all paranormal experiences will be transpersonal. He suggests some experiences can be simply ‘entertaining diversions’ (1998 p.10). While this may be true, within the context of bereavement and the experience of death the likelihood of the ADC experience being merely a diversion is less likely. They usually carry great meaning and significance and have greater potential for opening to awareness of the transpersonal. Researchers have found that though

72 some recipients are disturbed by their experiences and reject them this is usually a short term response, and those who come to accept them as real are often impelled into a radical new understanding of their view of the world (Devers 1994; Drewry 2003; LaGrand 1997, 1999). They become more oriented to the spiritual in their lives. Successive experiences take them on a journey of continuing reflection and insight. Even if there is only a single experience the effect can be powerful (LaGrand 1997; Guggenheim 1995). A ‘striking aspect of some anomalous experiences, is that, even when single and transitory, they are reported to have an enormous impact on the experient’ (Cardena et al., 2000 p. 5).

Transpersonal experiences are those ‘experiences in which the sense of identity or self extends beyond (trans.) the individual or personal to encompass wider aspects of humankind, life, psyche or cosmos (Walsh & Vaughan 1993, p. 3). Grof sees transpersonal experiences as involving ‘an expansion or extension of consciousness beyond the usual ego boundaries and beyond the limitations of time and/or space’ (1997 p.15). Survivors who experience an ADC are drawn towards a world-view that takes them beyond the physical sensory experiences of their everyday life to a more expansive view of reality. It may even take them a step further along Wilber’s ‘Great Chain of Being’ (1993, p. 215). As psychology’s understanding has moved from behaviorism to a psychodynamic understanding of the human person, it is now moving on from Maslow’s humanistic understanding of the person to increased spiritual understanding brought to consciousness by people like Jung, Assagioli, Wilber and Grof. The transpersonal experiences being lived and studied in our times appear to be part of an expanding human awareness and development, ‘an evolution of consciousness’ (Wilber 1996, p.137).

Rhea White’s research provides many instances of the power and effect of anomalous experiences. Her own near-death experience in 1952 led her into an abiding interest in non-ordinary experiences, into parapsychology, and then into the study of exceptional experiences (EE’s) – those which are anomalous or

considered ‘questionable or impossible in Western consensus reality’ (White 1998, p. 29). For her, EE’s were, among other things, psychic, mystical and death-related experiences and led people into a process or journey which was transformative and outward reaching, and which she called an EHE or exceptional human experience. ADC experiences come within the compass of her definition of exceptional experiences. ‘The reality we live in is a phenomenological one, and within those terms, these experiences are real. They can change lives’ (White 1994, p.79).

Drewry in her recent phenomenological study of the ADC experience and its role in the recovery of bereaved individuals compared the journey of her participants with the Exceptional Human Experience (EHE) process as explicated by Rhea White (1994) and Suzanne Brown (2000). She found there was a similarity between the steps of the grieving process and the reframing of understanding in many aspects of the lives of her participants after their ADC’s, and the steps of the EHE process. According to Brown, Anomalous or Exceptional Experiences (EE’s) have the potential to be experienced and subsequently integrated into new and personal world view contexts. At these points of catalytic transpersonal insight ... the experience is ...transmuted and humanised and becomes an Exceptional Human Experience (Brown 2000, p.69).

For White (1994) the exceptional experience (EE) is an event and the EHE is a longitudinal process catalysed by the EE or by a series of EE’s. A new journey of awareness begins, both disruptive and transformative, as a door opens to a whole new way of being in the world. This provides a good description of the lived experience of many who have had ADCs.

Devers has continued to use and explore her growing knowledge about after-death communications. She has published further accounts of ADC experiences with the dual aim of not only describing ‘the depth and breadth of ADC but also communicating the meaning, power and healing that such events can provide’

(Devers 1997, p. 5). LaGrand (1997) has shown how the ADC has been a deeply spiritual and transforming experience for his experiencers.

The study of transpersonal experience within transpersonal psychology is a relatively new area of research, having arisen in the last twenty-five years ‘to investigate rich psychological and transformative domains of human experience’ (Anderson & Braud 1998, p. 27). Earlier research has shown that these transpersonal and spiritual experiences open experiencers to new and greater potential in their lives and to an expanded consciousness that includes other people and a wider world to which they want to contribute. The study of the ADC as a transpersonal experience for the transpersonal psychologist is in the context of its potential transformational effects. The contribution of transpersonal psychology to this new area of research into the ADC is an important one and is only in its early stages. My research methodology, situated within the transpersonal paradigm of transpersonal psychology, aims to show the transformational effects of these experiences.

I am interested in the nature of these ADC experiences and also in the personal, emotional and spiritual effects. What happens in these experiences? What are the real effects? What kinds of people have them? How are they changed by them? When people have a paranormal experience, they quite often change their world- view and their philosophy of life. Their experience reaches beyond the paranormal experience and becomes a transpersonal experience. If they already have spiritual values, they find their beliefs are validated and deepened by the event.

Summary This review of the literature has endeavoured to cover the main areas of research relating to after-death contact experiences over the last one hundred and thirty years. The sweep has been quite broad and has shown the trend from naming the experiences and their relationship to survival research, to the growing interest in

the phenomenon as a phenomenon studied by some of the best minds of the day. Medical, sociological and cultural researchers began to describe their experiences. Finally it was defined within the context of bereavement as an ADC and it then began to open up as a new research focus in helping the grieving process. More recent research has identified both the extraordinary and paranormal nature of the experience and a more thorough investigation of its impact and transformative effects particularly in the area of grief and mourning has begun. Little research has been done as yet into the nature of the ADC experience itself.

Research has shown that it is a normal human experience and that it is not uncommon for the bereaved to experience the deceased. The experience occurs in various modalities. That the experience happens geographically and demographically in different countries, different types of populations, and different ethnic groups, suggests that it is a universal phenomenon. Close emotional bonds, as in long relationships like marriage, do seem to contribute to its likelihood.

There has been a shift of focus in recent research. There has been less emphasis on the statistics and quantitative methods. There has been more emphasis on qualitative approaches. There has been less emphasis on looking at particular groups like widows, children, and other relationships. There is more emphasis on the experience as part of the process of grieving and how it affects mourners in managing the grief of losing a loved one.

While it is still being studied in the parapsychological field it has moved in to the realm of social sciences and transpersonal psychology as a research topic. The emphasis has moved away from proving survival using the methods of science towards understanding it in the context of bereavement and in the context of its normality and frequency as a human experience. Attention has also been given to the varying contexts for sharing these experiences where there is cultural and social ambivalence about their acceptability. (Conant 1992; Devers 1994; Drewry

2002; Grimby 1993; Guggenheim 1995; LaGrand 1997). The transpersonal effects of these experiences is the growing area for further research.

This literature review has surveyed various disciplines that have to date contributed to the study of after-death contact or communication. Research into the after-death communication experience has a coherence and importance not only within parapsychology and its traditional domain of survival research, but also in the phenomenological-interpretive domain of transpersonal psychology.

Looking ahead It is evident that in this interesting and burgeoning research area there are different ways of looking at this phenomenon. There are a number of ways of looking that could expand our understanding. There are already differences and commonalities that various researchers have brought to their studies and there are others to be explored.

This phenomenon is understood differently by scientific research and transpersonal psychological research. The writings of Jung, Assagioli, Wilber and Grof, pre-eminent researchers and thinkers in the transpersonal field, throw different lights on these extraordinary experiences. How might it demonstrate the evolution of consciousness, or the extension of consciousness within and beyond space/time? There have been many accounts of the experiences and the communications are described in many different ways. Less attention has been given to the nature of the ADC experience and whether the form or mode of the communication affects the nature of the experience or what is actually communicated in the experience. For example how is the experience of a visitation dream experienced differently from a physical or visual experience? The different eyes through which we experience the different domains of sensory experience, of ideas, images and concepts, of transcendental experience, are all potentially available to see this extraordinary encounter.

Which of the eyes are at work here for the participants? How are the experiences different depending on the eye with which the survivor gazes in his/her encounter?

By telling the stories of the experiences, particularly successive experiences, and deepening understanding of their nature and effects, my hope is that this research inquiry will contribute to the ongoing research which is continuing to open up the topic of reported contact with ‘the other side’ of death.

Chapter Three Methodology

Research Approach This study is situated within a transpersonal paradigm and uses a qualitative method of disciplined inquiry. Qualitative methods are appropriate because they can address a more complex range of experiences (Braud & Anderson1998). Within the qualitative framework, I use a phenomenological-interpretive methodology as a way to deepen understanding of the nature and effects of the ADC experience, and to illuminate any shifts that occur as, humanly and spiritually, the participants travel towards integrating their experiences.

The life context of participants has not been placed in the foreground very often in previous studies of this phenomenon. My aim was to bring the participants to life as people rather than just ‘psychological stick figures’ (Braude 1996, p.181) who have described amazing experiences. My intention was to understand and articulate what it was like for the participants, embedded in their own history, and in the aftermath of loss of a loved one, to have these extraordinary human experiences. How would they construct their worlds differently as a result of their experiences?

The phenomenological methodology, within the framework of transpersonal psychology and constructivism, portrays the multi-dimensional nature of the human experience of ADC. This enables the participants’ own voices to be heard. The research focuses on the extraordinary, lived human experiences of a group of eighteen participants who report encounters with loved ones who have died.

Transpersonal psychological research Transpersonal psychology is a generic term covering a range of disciplines. The research which gave rise to transpersonal psychology was begun in the 1960’s in the USA by such early innovators as Maslow, Sutich, Grof and others. They were interested in a psychology of well-being which would concern itself with ‘higher human needs, including the impulse to self-actualisation and love for the highest values’ (Maslow 1962, p. 221). Altered states of consciousness and peak experiences were embraced as fields of research and study. As a field of research transpersonal psychology seeks to honor human experience in its fullest and most transformative expressions. … Whenever possible transpersonal psychology seeks to delve deeply into the most profound aspects of human experience… In these experiences we appear to go beyond our usual identification with our limited biological and psychological selves (Anderson 1998, p xxi).

The experiences in this study of ADC are extraordinary human experiences that open recipients to new ways of thinking and new awareness of human potential. As paranormal or psychic experiences they open the recipient up to often new and unexplored areas of consciousness they have not experienced before. Wilber, a pre-eminent explorer of consciousness, wrote of a spectrum of consciousness, evolutionary in nature, where higher levels of consciousness such as the transpersonal levels are accessed as one’s developmental structures grow. He includes all psychic experience in the transpersonal region and describes it as ‘the most mysterious, unexplored, misunderstood, fear-inducing, and generally puzzling portion of the spectrum’ (Wilber 1993, p. 266).

Transpersonal psychology includes a wide range of creative and integrative approaches to researching lived experience. The approach I have chosen to aid this inquiry will enable the particularity, the universality and the transformative richness of these amazing experiences to be portrayed.

The rich evidence of subjective experience at the heart of these communications when studied within a phenomenological perspective, offers an in-depth approach for understanding the ADC in the context of the recipient’s life story. White (1994, 1997, 1998) and Brown (2000) have contributed to this way of understanding the experience. There is more to be understood from within this framework. The phenomenology of the experiences and the ways in which an understanding of the phenomenology contributes to understanding the nature of the experience will be expanded upon.

Qualitative research Qualitative research focuses on understanding human phenomena such as personal and lived experiences as opposed to generalised observations on human behaviour. By using the qualitative approach of the open-ended in-depth interview, participants bring their own stories, their own inner perspectives and meanings, expressed in their way to the forefront. To gain the rich data contained within the stories of the experiences of my participants it is important to listen to their experiences, what they mean to them personally and how they have been affected by them. This means using research methods that place the person at the centre of the inquiry.

By contrast, the methods of quantitative research test theories and are not as appropriate for this open-ended exploration. In much quantitative research participants respond to inventories or their perspectives are measured statistically. These methods do not tell the story that lies behind the numbers or the classified data. I do not consider quantitative research methods can provide the rich data I hope to uncover in this inquiry. The research described in the literature review is representative of a considerable amount of quantitative statistics together with some qualitative studies. Much of it has been conducted from a sociological or psychological perspective and has not gone into the depth of the experience within the person’s life story. For this reason I am choosing a qualitative

research approach. This does not eliminate the use of numbers or percentages as a basis of comparison at times.

Qualitative researchers ‘study things in their natural settings, attempting to make sense of, or interpret, phenomena in terms of the meanings people bring to them’ (Denzin & Lincoln 1994, p. 2). Qualitative studies have an interpretive character. This study is interested in discovering how the participants understand and find meaning in their experiences. Research conducted within an interpretive paradigm is concerned not with ‘testing’ theory but generating knowledge based firmly on the experiences of the participants.

Constructivist Inquiry The epistemology of interpretive inquiry or constructivist inquiry means that ‘truth or meaning comes into existence in and out of our engagement with the realities in our world’ (Crotty 1998, p. 8). Meaning is constructed by the mind and the generation of meaning is a partnership between the person and the experience. Constructivism and phenomenology are deeply entwined as ways of having us ‘see’ the nature of an experience like an ADC and then, as we engage with it, having us come to ‘know’ it and the meaning it brings into our lives as we live out its effects. The constructivist approach underlies my phenomenological interpretive methodology. The participants in telling the story of their experiences construct the meanings of their experiences. Their meanings cannot simply be described as ‘objective’. Neither can they be described simply as ‘subjective’. Their meaning is constructed from the experience as they make sense of it and it potentially opens them to a new way of being in the world and a world view which develops within their own history and unfolding.

By contrast, in the objectivist view of knowledge, the notion is that truth and meaning reside in their objects independently of any consciousness and are therefore something external to be ‘mastered’. This belief that there is objective truth and that appropriate methods of inquiry can bring us accurate and certain

knowledge has been the epistemological ground of Western science. This paradigm was used to explore the notion of survival in the early work of the SPR and is still used today. This view of knowledge according to Wilber is a form of knowledge and truth that will only take you so far. There is no role for the self of the researcher or the way the researcher interacts with the objective knowledge (Wilber 1996, p. 63).

An interior dimension of knowing, one that is subjective and interpretive and depends on consciousness and introspection to provide a different ‘truth’ is not taken into account. This interior dimension includes the spiritual and higher qualities that can more easily be described than measured. These higher qualities have been shown to evolve out of transpersonal experiences like the ADC experience. The scientifically measurable way of coming to the truth needs to be balanced by other ways of knowing (Wilber 1996).

A world-view is emerging which takes account of different forms of knowing, different ‘types of truth’, and demonstrates how they interact with and affect one another. Methods of inquiry that are especially suited to understanding human experience that transcends an individual sense of self to ‘encompass wider aspects of humankind, life, psyche and cosmos’ (Walsh & Vaughan, 1993) by not only exploring but honoring the different ways of knowing are necessary in this world- view. This research attempts to explore and honour the amazing and multi- faceted human experiences and ways of knowing of the participants in this study

Phenomenology Epistemologically, phenomenology primarily ‘shows’ meaning rather than argues a point or develops a theory. The quality of rational argument or scientific proof is subservient to the phenomenological intent of ‘showing’ and having us ‘see’ something. A more poetic and descriptive evocative language is able to be used to illuminate the text. Phenomenology invites us into seeing the experience with fresh new eyes, into seeing it directly. This is also at the heart of constructivism.

It is the place where we can find meaning starting from the experience itself. Edmund Husserl’s renowned call was to set aside our preconceptions and ‘come back to the things themselves’, to life as we actually experience it. With Husserl from 1900 on, philosophy and psychology began to recognise the participation of the subject in the making of meaning (von Eckartsberg 1998, p. 6). Husserl’s statement, ‘back to the things themselves’ directed philosophers, researchers, psychotherapists, to suspend theoretical understandings of life and to renew their observations of people’s experiences in the everyday world. ‘Constructivism describes the individual engaging with objects in the world and making sense of them’ (Crotty 1998, p. 79). Phenomenology invites this direct engagement clear of biases.

Within the qualitative and phenomenological approach the elementary question is ‘what is something experienced as?’ or ‘what is it like?’ (Willis 1996, p. 2). van Manen (1990) urges the researcher to continually ask, ‘What is it like to have a particular human experience?’ This is the phenomenological question that defines this study. Not only does it invite us into the ‘whatness’ of the experience at the heart of phenomenological enquiry but also into the effect of such an experience on the person.

It is an invitation to enter into the world of the participants, to listen to their descriptions of the experience and to their perceptions of that experience. It is to listen to it as a pre-reflective experience rather than one that has been conceptualised, categorised and reflected upon (van Manen 1990, p. 9). The aim is to develop a complex, accurate, clear and articulate description of a human experience, and to elucidate its nature and its effects. My research approach therefore needs to provide me with the opportunity to enter into the world of the participants, and to bracket my own assumptions so that I can listen with an inner ear to their stories of communication with loved ones who have died.

At the heart of the experience is a profound inner experience. There is a deep mysteriousness at the core of this, and the invitation is to express the essence of the experience and the transforming nature of its ongoing resonance in the lives of the participants. A phenomenological interpretive methodology bring this to the forefront. I am taking as a basic premise that experience is ‘the source of all human significance, without which there would be no meaning whatsoever’ (Colaizzi 1973, p. 5) and that knowledge is created in the perspective a person takes towards [their] experience (Georgi 1970). ‘The whole process takes on the character of wonder as new moments of perception bring to consciousness fresh perspectives’ (Moustakis 1994, p. 53). This approach enables me to examine a phenomenon, the after-death communication experience (ADC), without laying the claim that I am discovering the whole truth of the experience. The same experiences of my participants may be seen differently and interpreted differently by someone else, and provide a different perspective of the same reality.

Phenomenological inquiry does not yield indubitable knowledge. Every text is one interpretation of a possible experience and individual texts can be rich and compelling. Taken together, individual texts lead to a synthesis of knowing as the themes are brought together and expressed. The ambition of interpretive phenomenology at one level is modest and yet richly significant and important for deeper knowing and understanding of human experience, particularly experience in the paranormal and transpersonal realm, and of the world in which we live. I approached my inquiry with an open mind to where it would lead me. The phenomenological approach offered the most potential for deepening my understanding of the experience of ADC.

As a particular research approach it has been adopted and modified by writers and philosophers such as Hegel, Heidegger, Husserl, Ricoeur, Moustakis, van Manen. Phenomenology is concerned with describing what is given to us in immediate experience without being obstructed by pre-conceptions and other theories. Put another way, phenomenology attempts to describe and understand

experiences, but does not look for causes or explanations about how or why they happen. Valle and Halling describe phenomenology as ‘…the rigorous and unbiased study of things as they appear so that one might come to an essential understanding of human consciousness and experience’(1989 p. 6). Pollio et al. see that the goal of phenomenological research is to give ‘a rigorous description of human life as it is lived and reflected upon in all of its first-person concreteness, urgency and ambiguity’(1997, p. 5). This is a major aim of this research process.

Husserl, the founder of phenomenology, said that beneath the changing flux of human experience and awareness, there are certain invariant structures of consciousness the phenomenological method could identify. Heidegger modified Husserl’s description by interpreting essential structures as basic categories of human experience rather than as pure cerebral consciousness. Merleau Ponty broadened Heidegger’s correction to include the active role of the body in human experience. As a philosophical tradition, therefore, phenomenology has changed considerably since its founding by Husserl, moving from cerebral structures to lived experience (Seamon 2000).

Herbert Spielberg, the eminent phenomenological philosopher and historian of the phenomenological movement declared that there are as many styles of phenomenology as there are phenomenologists (Spiegelberg 1982, cited in Seamon 2000). It has been a major source of illumination for psychology (Colaizzi 1973; Valle & Halling 1989, Valle 1998) and for education (van Manen 1977, 1990).

Phenomenological research begins with the lifeworld, the world of the natural attitude of everyday life, ‘the original, pre-reflective, pre-theoretical attitude’ (van Manen 1990, p. 7). The lived experience of the person presents itself to consciousness. While living through the experience the person cannot reflect on it so phenomenological reflection is always recollective, it is reflection on

experience that is already passed or lived through. It is a questioning and a sense of wonder about the nature of the experience. The experience needs to be recalled and reflected upon in such a way that the essential aspects, the meaning structures of the experience as lived through are brought back, as it were. And in this recalling we recognise the description as a possible experience, … a possible interpretation of the nature of a certain human experience (van Manen 1990, p. 41).

The aim of phenomenology is to transform the lived experience into a textual expression of its essence – in such a way that the effect of the text is at once a reflexive re-living and a reflective appropriation of something meaningful. We are now able to grasp the nature and significance of this experience in a hitherto unseen way. It is not unlike an artistic endeavour. Also van Manen notes: Phenomenology consists in mediating in a personal way the antinomy of particularity (being interested in concreteness, difference and what is unique) and universality (being interested in the essential, in difference that makes a difference (1990, p. 23).

This research inquiry as a phenomenological one precedes other kinds of research by endeavouring to find ‘what’ the ADC experience is, rather than asking the how and why questions. Classical phenomenology tends to use three essential processes in a variety of ways and styles to achieve this. These are description, reduction and naming essential themes (Willis 1998, p. 223). From this process a synthesis of essences and meanings leads to a composite description of the phenomenon.

Description Description is the essential task for classical phenomenology. Generating phenomenological description means to get ‘back to the things themselves’ and to set aside tendencies to analyse or generalise. It is to unveil the lived reality of an experience. It is essential to encounter the experience as directly as possible. The researcher’s own lived experience and in-depth interviews with persons who have had the experience provide the focus for an intimacy with the phenomenon

through prolonged, first hand exposure. The researcher needs to approach the phenomenon as a beginner, with a sense of not knowing about it and even not knowing what she does not know. The phenomenon is like uncharted territory waiting to be discovered, waiting to be described.

As the interviewer, the researcher must be open to the participants, ready to adapt and respond with wonder and interest as more and more about the phenomenon is uncovered, allowing the person to walk around and within the experience, as he/she struggles to describe it as well as possible. To listen to the experiences and to write about them requires a particular frame for being with the experiences. Moustakis in his path of transcendental phenomenology, talks about how this path leads to knowledge in an absolute sense. He describes phenomenology as the first method of knowledge because it begins with ‘things themselves.’ Phenomenology therefore ‘attempts to eliminate everything that represents a pre- judgement, … and attempts to reach a transcendental state of freshness and openness, a readiness to see in an unfettered way’ (Moustakis 1994, p. 41). This emphasises subjectivity and a discovery of the essences of experiences. It provides a disciplined and systematic methodology for derivation of knowledge based in Husserl’s Transcendental Phenomenology. It utilises only the data available to consciousness, ‘and that very fact is a guarantee of its objectivity’ (Moustakis 1994, p. 45). Reflection provides a logical resource for carrying out the analysis and synthesis.

The steps of Epoche, Phenomenological Reduction, Imaginative Variation and Synthesis are the natural processes through which awareness, understanding and knowledge are derived (Moustakis 1994, p. 90). Epoche is a bracketing out of biases, prejudgments and preconceptions in order to receive the phenomenon. It is the process of standing apart from one’s own way of seeing the world, one’s own assumptions about the world and attempting to be with the phenomenon directly in an unmediated way. van Manen defines it as ‘suspending one’s various beliefs in the reality of the natural world in order to study the essential structures of the

world’ (1990, p.175). In phenomenological discourse ‘the world’ here refers to the ‘lifeworld’ or the lived world as experienced in everyday situations and relations. In this context it means suspending one’s own understandings of the phenomenon of after-death communication (ADC), putting aside one’s own personal bias and listening with an open mind.

The researcher writes about the phenomenon. By writing and rewriting the essence of the phenomenon is uncovered. Descriptions keep a phenomenon alive, illuminate its presence, accentuate its underlying meanings, enable the phenomenon to linger, retain its spirit, as near to its actual nature as possible (Moustakis 1994, p. 59).

The writing requires transcription of interview material and writing and rewriting the stories until what they are saying is clear and carries the depth of the person’s understandings of the experience. This requires a process of distilling and reduction and involves ‘the awakening of a profound sense of wonder at the mysteriousness of the belief in … and questioning of the meaning of (this) experience of the world’ (van Manen 1990, p. 185).

Reduction and Naming Essential Themes To come to an understanding of the essential structure of something we need to reflect on it by practicing a reduction. Phenomenological reduction extracts the essential constituents of the experiences, and the meanings given to the experiences. When one looks for phenomenological themes one looks at the phenomenon as it is experienced in a range of settings and occurrences. Phenomenology wants to discover the essential elements of a phenomenon. Regardless of which of the phenomenon’s particular variations is revealed at any given time, this phenomenon is seen as having the same essential meaning when it is perceived over time in many different situations (Valle and Halling 1989, p.13)

The necessary and substantial elements need to be separated from the accidental ones. The essential elements begin to emerge from the stories. The meaning

units, or salient descriptions and comments about the experience from each participant, constitute the first step in the reduction process. Invariant constituents of the described experiences are grouped into themes.

The constituent themes emerge from this material. Drawing out the themes requires, ‘a certain process of insightful invention, discovery and disclosure’ (van Manen 1990, p. 88). At the heart of the phenomenological reduction there lies the orientation of wonder. It is in that moment when one is overcome by awe or perplexity that one is open to the revealing power of its essence (van Manen 2002, p. 5.). Wonder is a key aspect of phenomenological method. Imaginative Variation assists in drawing out the themes by approaching the phenomenon from divergent perspectives, different positions and arriving at ‘the precipitating factors that account for what is being experienced’ (Moustakis 1994, p. 98). Intuition is the way of integrating the material and moving towards a composite description.

A Composite Description This is the final step in the process. In this step there is an intuitive- reflective integration of the structural and textural descriptions to produce a synthesis of the essences and meanings. Essence as Husserl employs this concept means that which is common or universal, the condition or quality without which a thing would not be what it is (Moustakis 1994 p.101). In this research I produce the synthesis from the themes and the explication of the themes in an intuitive reflective process.

Van Manen sees hermeneutic phenomenological research as a dynamic interplay among six research activities to arrive at this synthesis. These research activities are used in tandem with Moustakis’ steps as they enable an adaptation to my particular process for the method of the research process. Van Manen’s six research activities were: turning to a phenomenon which seriously interests and commits us to the world; investigating the experience as lived rather than as conceptualised;

describing the phenomenon through the art of writing and rewriting; reflecting on the essential themes which characterise the phenomenon; maintaining a strong and oriented relation to the phenomenon; balancing the research context by considering parts and wholes (1990, p. 30).

He discusses naming the phenomenological inquiry as something the researcher is seriously interested in and one which the researcher feels she/he is ‘being-given- over to some quest’ of deep significance. This was a quest of deep significance for me, the researcher. The ADC experience is still a new research topic in its field and one where there are many social and cultural perspectives that disempower those who talk about their experiences of the ADC phenomenon. To enable these stories to find a voice was very important. To listen freely without the encumbrances of prejudice and the preconceptions that culture and society have instituted around the unusual was an important cornerstone in my choice of an appropriate methodology. I believe the method I have chosen is well suited for enabling the phenomenon of ADC to be more fully described and heard, not only its nature but also its meanings and effects.

In the second section of the chapter I outline the steps taken and how the process used takes account of both Moustakis and van Manen in coming to a deeper understanding of the nature, meaning and significance of the ADC Experience.

The Research Design

Selecting Participants and Gathering the Data The participants in this study were located in a variety of settings and came into the research through a number of avenues. Informal conversations with friends of my interest led to some surprising revelations of experiences and some offers to participate in the research. Advertisements in two papers asking for volunteers was disappointing and led to only three persons making contact.

My professional work with programs and courses where I introduced myself as beginning doctoral study in this topic led to offers from group members to share their experiences. A friend and colleague who regularly conducted courses for people in grief spoke about my research to participants who had shared their experiences with her. This resulted in other participants becoming part of the research group. The ‘snowballing’ approach to selection also occurred where one participant led to another by word of mouth. Some participants shared their experiences with friends following the first interview, and found their friends reciprocated by sharing similar experiences of their own and then offering to be part of the research.

In selecting participants I interviewed thirty adult volunteers who had experienced after-death communication (ADC) and contact with a deceased loved one through sensory experiences, through vivid dreams, through a sensed presence and through psi experiences. I ended up asking eighteen of these volunteers to be part of my research. The ones chosen were more available for extended interviews and were able to articulate their experiences and reflect upon them. Some were not chosen because their experiences were of very young children and babies. They seemed to form a particular group and I decided to defer research into this group to a later project. Others were excluded because their experiences were less direct or less able to be clearly described.

Of the eighteen participants chosen, sixteen were women, two were men, and they ranged in age from forty-one to eighty-two years of age. They were all Australians. Religious backgrounds varied. Seven claimed no denominational affiliation, five were Catholic, two belonged to the Spiritualist Church, one was Anglican but not active, one was Uniting Church, one was Christian, and one came from a Baptist background but was now spiritually involved in Theosophy. They were all sane, well-balanced people.

Seven participants were widowed, six were married, four were divorced and one was a religious sister. Of the reported deceased, who were described as being present to the participants in a variety of modalities, ten were men who were deceased and ten were women who were deceased.

The initial formal contact with a prospective participant was by phone or in person. This was to ascertain whether the person had had an ADC and was willing to talk about it. It was also to explain briefly what would be involved in the research process. I also told them about my purpose in conducting the research and my hope that it would eventually be useful and helpful to others who had had similar experiences. They would be required to participate in at least two interviews that would be tape-recorded. They were assured of anonymity and confidentiality and protection of their rights. I explained that I would share more about the process at our first meeting.

My goal in the interviews was for the participant to reconstruct and share his or her experience(s) of an ADC and what had been the meaning and effect of the experience(s). After death contact usually occurs in the context of mourning the loss of a loved one. The participants who shared their stories were at different points of their grieving journey and some were sharing experiences that had occurred some years earlier. Because of the nature of the experiences I chose to conduct two in depth open-ended interviews. The interviews were conducted in a safe place, in an office, in the participant’s home, or in a neutral environment like a coffee shop. They were usually about an hour in length. Each interview was tape-recorded and carefully transcribed verbatim.

Interviewing is both a research methodology and a social relationship that must be nurtured, sustained and then ended gracefully (Seidman, 1998). An advantage in the interviewing process was my familiarity with the processes of psychotherapy and counselling. I had been a counsellor for about twenty years prior to commencing the research inquiry. Establishing appropriate rapport, the

importance of boundaries, an empathic and open presence conveying great interest, and an ‘unconditional positive regard’ as Carl Rogers coined, were enablers which encouraged the interviewees to share their experiences, feelings and understandings.

By using good listening skills I endeavoured to allow any questions I asked to follow as much as possible from what the participant was saying rather than steering it in a particular direction which may have come out of my own conscious or unconscious assumptions. These were to ask for clarification, to get more detail, and to hear the stories as fully as possible. I was also aware that there were questions that I wanted to hear their responses to. However my main focus was to listen actively and to move the interview forward by building on what was being shared. Where appropriate I wove questions into the interview. I wanted to know all about the experience, about their relationship with the deceased, and about their own journey since the death of the loved one. The main aim was to evoke ‘a comprehensive account of the person’s experience of the phenomenon’ (Moustakis 1994 p. 114). The questions were varied or not used at all where the participant shared the story fully.

I was conscious of the possible pitfalls involved in conducting the interviews. I was aware that my own experience of an ADC might get in the way of hearing the stories. I was aware I personally believed my experiences were real and that I needed to put this aside to listen to other’s experiences from a neutral place. I was aware some stories might be too incredible and I might tend to mentally dismiss them before hearing them fully. I was also aware that some people do present with more credibility, while others could seem too scattered to be trusted and that my approach to them could then get in the way of their feeling free to tell their story. By being aware of this background buzz I consciously endeavoured to note it and to put it aside so as to simply receive the experiences as they were shared.

The First Interview The first interview began by sharing the Participant Information Sheet and Consent Form (Appendix A), and an overview of the research process. Informed consent was obtained from each participant prior to participation. It was important that participants be clear about what they would be doing and that they should have as much information as they needed to participate in the process. Their confidentiality was assured and the assurance given that pseudonyms would be used for any names used in the interviews including their own.

Because I wanted to hear the participants’ experiences in their own words, told in their own way, I began by simply asking them to tell me about their experiences. I stayed aware of the importance of the epoche process, of setting aside my own understandings and judgments and listening freshly, being open to the participant’s account. Putting aside my assumptions, preconceptions and biases, was aided by my training and experience as a therapist and long practice at listening to stories consciously withholding judgment, staying open for as long as possible to what might emerge as the story unfolded.

The Second Interview Following my transcription of the first interview I was able to ascertain what else would be helpful to know for the research and what had been missed in the first interview. All bar one of the participants were re-contacted. The after-effects of the experiences were the main focus of the second interview. Again the structure was open-ended with questions to clarify and guide the process. Before the second interview I telephoned to arrange the second interview and to arrange to send by email or ordinary mail a copy of the story I had written of their experiences. The following questions accompanied the story.

Does what I have written convey the essence and meaning of what you shared? What else would you want said? What would you like to change? What were your feelings when you read what I had written?

What do I need to do to make it more truly an authentic account of your experience? Are there any new understandings or meanings that have come to you in relation to changes in feelings or attitudes towards yourself, God, your religious beliefs, life, death, others, material possessions or anything else?

Some participants spoke more fully about some aspects of their lives than others, some were more affected in some parts of their lives than others. The relevant parts of the second interview were also incorporated into the story of the experience and its effects. All the participants were positive and appreciative about what had been written.

The interviews were a positive experience and participants found the atmosphere safe, friendly and encouraging, and I found the interviews fascinating and revelatory. Some participants found it relieving to share their stories in an accepting environment. Between the first and second interviews I noticed that some of them had shared their experiences with others in ways they had not done previously. Knowing that their experiences were normal and that others had similar experiences was freeing for most participants.

The Process of Data Analysis The specific application of the phenomenological interpretive methodology to the analysis of the data was a five-step process adapted for my research and compiled from the methods of Moustakis and van Manen.

Writing the Stories – The Full Description To prepare myself for understanding the nature of the ADC phenomenon more deeply I immersed myself back into the interview experiences. I read and re read each transcript to evoke the memory of the interview and to experience again my general feeling of the participant’s perceptions, experiences, and feelings in relation to their ADCs.

In order to assimilate more carefully the feelings around the experiences, and to respond to the basic question I wanted to answer – ‘what is it like to have an experience of communication with a deceased loved one?’ - I then immersed myself in the experience as if it were my experience. By highlighting significant words and statements in the transcripts a more focused account began to emerge. I began to compile accounts of the experiences. I then decided to write stories of the participants’ experiences. This enabled me to reduce the data to its essential components and to ‘show’ what this human experience was for each person.

I then wrote and rewrote the stories until what they were essentially saying was clear, accurate and carried the depth of the person’s understanding of the experience. By writing and rewriting the essence of the phenomenon was uncovered. (van Manen 1990 p. 30) ‘In descriptions one seeks to present in vivid and accurate terms, in complete terms, what appears in consciousness and in direct seeing’ (Moustakis 1994, p. 59).

I wrote about the experience ‘from within’ what I had been told. Sometimes the writing felt too intimate and too strong. I realised I may have gone beyond what participants felt comfortable with as I endeavoured to get to the heart of the experience. I showed a few participants what I had written at this step. One participant did not feel comfortable with this piece of writing. Another thought it was wonderful that I had captured her experience so well. Another participant thought the final story was better than the ‘from within’ story. The final stories contained elements of both types of writing. I knew I must keep to the heart and the essence of the experience as it had been shared. Bracketing out my preconceptions and continuing to be with the material with an open mind was important here.

The final accounts included elements of both attempts at writing about the experiences and also extracts of the actual words that were at the heart of the experiences for the participants. With this as a final starting place I re-wrote these

accounts until I felt satisfied that I had captured the essence of what each participant was saying. I also felt I had written them in a way that evoked a feeling for the person, herself or himself, within the journey that was being shared. The participants confirmed this when I showed them what I had written.

It was not simply a matter of writing about the experience(s). It was van Manen’s (1990) activity of investigating the experience as lived rather than as conceptualised. The stories were an important methodological device and were important for their narrative quality. This was a long phase of the research process. However the significance of the story was its power to gain attention, to lead to reflection. By becoming involved in the story the reader can be touched by it, respond to it, and be illuminated about the phenomenon. I intended these stories to honour the phenomenological intent of ‘showing’ and having us ‘see’ something.

It became apparent that there was a way of grouping the participants. The stories fell naturally into three groups of participants who had experienced ADCs - spouses, parents and other relationships. This enabled me to organise the data into workable compartments, and to highlight common aspects of the stories that were emerging without losing the focus of the research aims. This way of working with the stories illuminated the essence of the experiences in different ways and with different nuances. It was a helpful and efficient method of organising the material to ‘show’ the experience as it phenomenologically portrayed itself. It also provided an entrance into working with the data to uncover the essential themes.

Deriving the Meaning Units When one looks for themes, one looks at the phenomenon as it is experienced in a range of settings and occurrences. I did this by looking at all the different types of experiences and the different categories of parents, spouses, and other relationships. The necessary and substantial elements needed to be separated

from the accidental ones. This was the process of reduction, the reducing or distilling process. I extracted the essential elements of the nature of the communication experience and the essential elements of its after-effects. I did this by taking out the relevant phrases, descriptions and meanings that described the phenomenon and its after-effects for each participant. These were the most salient extracts from the stories of each participant’s lived experience of the ADC (meaning units).

I began to sort the essential elements or meaning units into common categories or themes. Overlapping statements were gradually eliminated and the statements from the three groups were coalesced. This was done by a process of typing out and then cutting up the individual statements. I then extracted and re-organised the salient statements or meaning units for each participant.

Naming Essential Themes Using the distilling or reducing process I separated the necessary and substantial elements from the accidental ones. I gathered similar meaning units from each participant and put them into groups for each emerging theme. Constituent themes began to emerge which showed the nature of the ADC experience and the after-effects. The groupings of these two sets of statements were used to derive the themes.

van Manen (1990) discusses the significance of the theme. He sees it as the form of capturing the phenomenon one is trying to understand. The theme is the desire to make sense of the material and to get at the core of the notion that the theme encapsulates. It requires openness to the material. Drawing out the themes requires ‘a certain process of insightful invention, discovery and disclosure’ (van Manen 1990, p. 88), the imaginative variation. In this process of insight and discovery I found seven themes emerged for the nature of the experience. Wording each theme to capture the essential constituents was the process of insight and discovery. One of the themes included the effects of the experience in

99 the ongoing lives of the participants. I chose to work with this theme differently by separating it and exploring the effects in more depth in a separate chapter.

One of the consequences of naming the theme was the inevitable reduction of the notion of what was being conveyed. The theme named the aspect of the experience it was describing. It did not do this fully, so the theme needed to be explicated and illustrated. ‘No thematic formulation can completely unlock the deep meaning, the full mystery, the enigmatic aspects of the experiential meaning of a notion’ (van Manen 1990, p.88).

Van Manen (1990) also suggests asking the question in apprehending essential themes: ‘Does the phenomenon without this theme lose its fundamental meaning?’ (p.107). Since the themes were drawn from the stories that the participants shared, I went back to the stories to test each theme against each story. When I tried omitting a theme I found something of the full breadth and depth of the experience was lost. I was satisfied that the themes had captured the nature of the experience as described by my participants. Each theme then became a hermeneutic tool to meaningfully understand the ADC experience. The next step was to write about the themes more fully.

Writing About the Themes The themes were amplified and illustrated by sharing examples from the participants’ stories. Writing about the themes allowed the textures of the experience to be seen. This enabled a fuller understanding of each theme, and the quotes from the participants’ stories provided a deeper feeling for the meaning of the theme. The illustration of the theme showed how the participants thought about and spoke about the particular aspect that the theme highlighted. It endeavoured to show ‘what the experience is really like’ from each theme’s point of view. The fifth theme, which demonstrated the after-effects of the experiences, is discussed separately under six general headings. The after-effects highlight the significance of the actual experiences as they were lived into over time. Because

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of this they partake of the nature of the experience and illustrate it in a more complete way.

Deriving A Composite Description The final step was the intuitive-reflective integration of the themes into a unified statement of the essences and meanings of the experience of the phenomenon of ADC. This was to show the core thematic textures of the experience that emerged from the seven themes. This again involved a process of imaginative variation, of writing and rewriting to capture the fullest extent of the experience by gathering all the material together, in a process of reflection, intuition and insight.

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Chapter Four The Participants’ Stories: Spouses

Introduction Eighteen participants shared their stories. The final versions of these stories are the product of my writing journey. These amazing accounts are divided into three chapters. In Chapter Four six participants report ADC experiences from spouses. In Chapter Five eight participants report ADC experiences from parents. In Chapter Six four participants report ADC experiences from different relationships, siblings, a child, and a patient. My intent is to convey what these extraordinary experiences are really like for each participant and the effects of them in their lives. At the end of each story I list the essential elements or meaning units of both the nature of the communication experiences and the after effects of the experiences that were identified.

I wanted the experiences to come to life and to tell the participants’ stories in a way that unveiled the reality of the lived experiences of ADC within their ‘lifeworlds’. This was my phenomenological task. By tracing the journey the participants walk as they share successive ADCs, the stories in these three chapters provide another dimension of understanding that has not been offered in earlier research. Braude’s (1996) comment, quoted earlier, that many researchers in these areas of paranormal experience, ‘tend not to probe beneath the psychological surface,’ became an important awareness during the writing process. To try to capture the wholeness of the journey of successive experiences and to stay close to the power and effects on body, mind and spirit was an important goal.

Where participants shared a number of experiences, it became apparent that their awareness of the reality of their experiences, albeit not without struggle, deepened and strengthened over time. They found sharing the experiences and changes that

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happened to them a rewarding experience, although emotional at times, as deep feelings and memories were revisited.

The Spouses This chapter gives the stories of the six spouses. Their reports of the unexpected experiences of encounter with their deceased spouses changed their lives in ways that surprised them. Shirley, Helen and Charles were more recently bereaved, telling their stories within three years of the death of their spouse. Bernadette, Rodicca and Jean-Marie had a longer time frame and the consequent effects of the experiences were more clearly integrated into their lives.

Shirley Shirley was 65 when her husband died suddenly in his chair while she was at church one Saturday evening. He died from a heart condition which he had had for twenty-four years. They had been married for thirty-eight years in a loving relationship. We weren’t perfect. We had our moments. We went through a bit of a rough trot but we worked it out. I was luckier than most to have had such a marriage.

Two years later Shirley, tearful and clearly still grieving, talked about being thrown into the journey of learning to live without him. ‘I just miss him.’ She had a wonderful life with Frank. Often described by their three children as, ‘Mum’s thirsty, dad drinks the tea, dad’s itchy, mum scratches,’ they enjoyed each other.

Frank had been retired out of the police force for a number of years and Shirley worked a few days a week. His heart condition was an ever-present reality and she nearly lost him a couple of times. She described him as a very strong man, with high principles, a really good man. He encouraged her to be independent and at the same time was very protective. ‘Soft as butter on the inside, not your ordinary run of the mill.’ A good lateral thinker he always came up with a

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different way of looking at things and she valued his opinion. He wouldn’t become a Catholic but valued her commitment. He knew there was a greater Being but he didn’t know what to call it. ‘We’d talk about it, after dinner at night, we’d share a bottle of wine and talk.’

Shirley shared a number of experiences of Frank’s presence. Hearing these accounts there is the sense that the deep connection of thirty-eight years of married life continued across the transition of death. These accounts suggest that from both sides it was let go of slowly, the grieving process being mutual.

The day he died she had an amazing experience unlike anything she had ever known. She went to Mass one Saturday evening after being reminded by him, not a Catholic himself, she would be late. While she was there she suddenly experienced an extraordinary and startling physical feeling. It was so strong, it was almost as if something had gone right through me. It was physical. It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling. It was just, it was so strong. At the same time, I had this great urge, I suppose it’s a mental thing, but I had this great urge, as if someone was shaking me, ‘Say thank you.’ And she found herself saying, ‘Remind me God to say thank you for all the wonderful things you’ve done for me. There’s going to be times when I won’t feel like saying it.’ (After a pause) I didn’t know that he’d died. I can’t say that I knew – Frank’s gone – but I knew.’

When she arrived home she found he had been watching the cricket and had died in the chair. As she reflects on the experience she says, When I think back, I think that was Frank. I think it was him running through me. I was talking to God (at the time) and I think the good Lord was giving me a shake and saying, ‘Just remember kid, just remember, I’m here.’

It was a multi-layered experience for Shirley. It was as though her two experiences were woven together and she is not sure how to separate them. Her voice conveyed a sense of how powerful an experience it was. She knows she

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will never forget it. She checked with the doctor and the probable time of death coincided with the time of her experience.

Then three weeks after the funeral she had been to see the solicitor and was driving down the highway to visit her son. I was howling my eyes out I shouldn’t have been driving actually. I turned the radio on, guess what played, the song, ‘Can’t Get Used to Losing You.’ They said, ‘This was recorded by Andy Williams in 1963.’ What are your chances of turning on the radio to a (particular) song? I burst out laughing and I said, ‘Oh, sweetheart, you couldn’t have picked a better time.’

This song was richly memorable because when they were unofficially engaged in England in 1963, Shirley went off backpacking with a friend, and Frank, who was in the police force, did not know where she was. He would go down to their coffee shop and play this song six or seven times a day. As she recalls this precious memory she says, ‘When I got back to London we went down to the coffee shop and the guy there said, “Thank heavens you’re back, I’ve thrown that bloody record out.”’ She had played it at the funeral. She was greatly comforted by the experience.

Sometime later she had a dream. She had had a bad day and had gone to bed and fallen asleep. I knew I was having the dream, and Frank was standing alongside the bed on his side. And I said, ‘I know I’m having a dream, I know this is a dream, but can I have a kiss and a cuddle and when I wake up I remember it?’ And he said, ‘Yes, of course.’ I watched myself get out of bed, go round to the side of the bed. We always used to have a kiss and a cuddle in the kitchen, no great pasho thing but a kiss and a cuddle. So we had a kiss and a cuddle and I said, thanks, went back round the side, got into my side of the bed and said, ‘I’m going to sleep now but I meant that thing I asked, I just want to remember it when I wake up. Can I have that to wake up to?’ ‘Yes.’ And I did. It was the first thing I thought of. My kids don’t know because they would think Mum was going around the twist.

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It was so real. I could see him standing there. He was there just standing by the bed, quiet … He was like he was before, just before he died, that’s how he was. I can tell you what he had on, light shorts, long cream socks, because he had terrible varicose veins. ‘The only man in captivity with varicose veins on his knee caps’ he used to tell people…. A shirt without a collar, it’s one of those Nehru collars, a creamy one, it was light because it was summer time. I’ve got it at home. And his shoes that he had to wear, the soft velcro ones. Because of all his medication he ended up with perfect gout. …Yeh. I could see what he had on.

Shirley was teary as she shared the story, she believes he really was there. Yet if she believes, is she being ‘nutty?’ Her voice dropped. ‘Then there are times, … and then again you don’t know whether it’s wishful thinking, when I think he’s there.’ Almost as if ... I sit in his chair to watch television, every now and then I sit there, he’s got a wing back chair. There’s a draught or something, whatever it is, and I turn around and put my hand on his, because he used to just stand behind me. He’d have a rest of an afternoon, then he’d come out and I’d be in his chair having a rest. And he’d stand there and put his hands on the back of the chair and he’d say, ‘Like a cup of tea, chick?’ And there’s no reason for the draught, the little breeze.

On another occasion she felt he was there. He used to have a rest on Sunday afternoons and he’d come out of the bedroom and shut the door in a distinct way. That day she had been trying to get on with it, not feeling ‘crash hot’ and it was half past three, and the bedroom door closed. It just closed. Shirley describes how she was in another room cutting out and heard the door. Without thinking, she said she thought, ‘Oh, Frank’s up.’ And then she realised. I had to smile, and say, ‘Oh, thanks love, I’m okay.’ They’re just little things. Shirley hesitates to make too much of the experiences, at the same time she does not really doubt he was there. She worries she is holding him back from wherever he is going. Some time later in a second dream she dreamt Frank was sitting on the bed. Then he came round to my side and I asked him was he alright. And he didn’t seem real happy. He said, ‘I’m alright, but I wish I could have said goodbye.’ And I said, ‘That’s alright, love. We’re

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alright.’ I was quite upset about that. So I prayed extra hard just to make sure he was okay.

Goodbyes were very important to him. ‘We always had this little thing. Even if he went to the bathroom he used to come a give me a kiss before he went. We were a funny couple.’ Their kids used to joke about it. So it was very characteristic for him to be concerned that they had not had their last goodbye. By the third year she was aware of his presence less frequently but there was a time when she’d had a few bad days and she had a series of dreams. ‘I didn’t dream of him, I just dreamt dreams but he was in the dream as an onlooker.’ She could see him standing in the background of the dream quite clearly. She found these dreams calmed her down and whatever was worrying her, ‘it seemed to sort itself out.’ For a time, if she was having a bad day she would think, ‘Oh, Frank will be there tonight. I’ll have a dream.’

She shared another two experiences which she had found very upsetting. These had occurred not long before our second interview. I’ve woken up a couple of nights and I’ve felt someone getting into bed. In my mind I was quite frightened. In my sleep I couldn’t wake up. All of a sudden I would just start to hear his voice and I’d think, ‘That’s Frank again.’ It happened twice. It’s a bit frightening when you are in a house on your own and you feel the mattress sink. I felt there was someone getting into bed on his side. It happened in the last six weeks. It never goes any further. Just getting into bed. I feel the blankets move, the mattress go. So I had a few words to him about that, I didn’t care for that one very much. When I got up in the morning I said, ‘Well, I don’t really thank you for that.’ He might be a bit put out with me.

Shirley hesitated to tell me about these experiences until the end. When I was able to tell her that others had had similar experiences she was enormously relieved. ‘I hesitated to tell you about that but then when you told me it had happened to somebody else, I think, well I’m not crazy. Oh, I feel better about it.’

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It was only three years since Frank had died. Shirley, while still missing him deeply, was beginning to live her new life. As the most recently widowed she felt it was probably too soon to estimate the differences the experiences with Frank had made in her life. She reflected on her experiences of his presence, ‘I think, for me, it’s given me hope, that we’re going to catch up.’ At the same time she has worried a bit about her family heredity of longevity. ‘I think the hardest one for me… the thought of growing old without him. …I just wonder when I do get there, am I going to be there as an old lady or as when we finished off?’

As she shared, it became apparent that these experiences had made her more reflective and introspective about herself and her life, and more thoughtful about death and the after-life. She thinks a lot about death now. She says she is not frightened of death. She wonders ‘about the way of going – it’s very hard to imagine’, and ‘the thought of doing it on my own.’ She knows she wants to be with Frank, yet she worries a bit about whether she is worthy to be with him as she remembers with a real honesty, that she could be difficult and ‘a bit bitchy’ at times.

How she thinks about death now is very different to how she thought about it before Frank went and since she has had these experiences of contact with him. Now it has an immediacy and a familiarity that are the outcome of her experiences. It has enlarged her understanding of what is possible as an experiencing human being. She would never have believed that Frank would have been so present to her and that she would have felt that presence so frequently. ‘I know there’s something there. As sure as I know there’s a God.’ And she says, ‘I always believed in God but more so now than I’ve ever done in a way. I feel very strongly that God is there in my life. That’s become more important in my life.’

She feels Frank is still there as a guide for her. ‘Little different things happen. I’m going to do something and something changes. Almost as if it’s, “Not yet

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love.”’ She does think he influences her thought sometimes. She thinks he comes and goes. He’s not there all the time.

And it has strengthened her belief in an after-life. As she says, ‘I’ve always thought there’s life after death. But now I think there has to be. Otherwise what’s going on? I’m going crazy?’ She knows she is not but because these experiences are so new, and so surprising, she is still integrating the fact that experiences like hers can actually happen. She knows she is not imagining them and she knows she is not crazy. And with each step and each new experience she finds she has to overcome again her fear of that.

The most significant change has been her growing conviction ‘that there has to be a purpose for me. There’s no doubt there’s a way I have to go.’ She is not yet clear about what it is. She feels strongly this is why God took Frank. ‘I am trying to get my life in order.’ She wants to be ready, she knows she wants to be involved in helping people, but it is not yet clear in what context. She is thinking about various options like disaster services or emergency services or grief work. She feels she has so much to be thankful for, she owes something, she needs to give back for all she has received. ‘It will come – I know there’s something I’ve got to do.’ She says with some sense of gratification, ‘because of what’s happened to me, its made me more aware for other people. I’m more conscious of how they are feeling.’ She has noticed that people tell her now she is a good listener. This quality of more reflectivity and awareness she has noticed as changes within herself.

Although she is a person who shares herself quite easily she, like most experiencers, is very reluctant to talk about these experiences. Only her eldest daughter and two close friends have been told. Recently she mentioned it to her mother, who was quite surprised. The fear of being thought crazy is a very real one. Talking to me about her experiences and finding that others have had similar experiences to her own came as a great relief. ‘It makes me realise I am not

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nutty.’ She is a down to earth person who would never have believed these things could happen to her. But they have, so she has to take time to absorb them.

Meaning units for nature of experience Physical sensation right through body, very strong. Unexpected, mysterious, interrupted and merged with experience of prayer, --God talking to her, her talking to God. An inner knowing, not at conscious level, that husband had died.

Synchronicity of crying and feeling loss followed by hearing a meaningful song on the radio at the moment of switching it on. Immediate change of mood from crying and grieving to laughing and engaging with ‘dead’ husband while driving.

Dream of husband beside bed, clear and vivid. In dream communicated with husband and asked for a familiar comforting kiss and hug. “Dead” husband in dream communicated. Experienced self as both observer and actor in the dream. Asked for memory of dream on awakening and experienced that. Saw husband clearly and what he was dressed in, a familiar outfit he wore before he died.

Experience of presence in the house confirmed by inexplicable movements – a breeze, a door closing.

Dream of husband at side of bed not seeming happy. Communication about not saying goodbye. Upsetting experience yet in character as good-byes very significant for husband. Dream of husband in ordinary dream present as onlooker of dream.

Feeling someone getting into bed. Frightening and difficult to wake up but just aware of husband’s voice. Feeling of mattress sinking on husband’s side of bed and blankets moving. Feeling of being alone in house with strong experience of a moving presence beside her and feeling very alone and afraid. Weird and strange experience but recognised as husband, not enjoyed. Need to tell husband it was not a welcome experience.

Meaning units for after-effects Fear of being thought nutty, if share experiences with others. Fear of being crazy because experiences so unusual and unexpected. Needing to make sense of experiences. Comforted by them – feels comfortable in her home with the experiences. Given her hope that she will be with him again – ‘catch up’.

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Amazement at his continuing presence through different experiences. Not afraid of death anymore – more reflective about death and trying to imagine the way of going through death, and doing it alone. Challenged her in her way of living her life with Frank and its consequence in the afterlife. God has become more important. Death more immediate and familiar and afterlife more immediate. Sense of being guided by ‘dead’ husband. Aware husband influences her thoughts at times. Awareness of husband coming and going – not there all the time. Strengthened belief in an afterlife. Taking time to integrate the experience and their significance. There has to be a purpose for the future – wants to help people. Sense of gratitude for her life and wanting to give something back. More aware of and sensitive to the feelings of others. Does not share experiences easily or to many other people. Enlargement of what it is possible to experience, amazement about experiences.

Helen Helen’s husband died three years and a half years prior to the first interview. He died of a heart attack at seventy-seven years of age. Helen was sixty-four. They had been married for forty years and had three sons. They were living in a retirement village. Chris had a wonderful tenor singing voice and sang for his church and for retirement villages. He had a feel for the spiritual side of life. They had a close and loving relationship although Helen felt contained and constrained by his possessiveness and controlling ways.

Helen, an exuberant and talkative person, enjoys her life now, though she missed her husband greatly in the first two years. She still lives in the retirement village and has become socially active and involved there. Chris had kept a rein on her exuberance and sociability and in the latter years, all he wanted was her. He was a happy person, honest and loyal, fun loving, a bit of a gambler, but he was the boss. She’d learnt it was easier to do what he wanted and she was happy with that because she knew he was a good man and loved her and she loved him. She found it hard to cope when he died.

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She shared that before he died he was singing in the ‘Carols by Candlelight’ at the village. He didn’t sound right and she thought it was his new false teeth. But he was having a heart attack and would not give in. When it was over he told her ‘Get me home.’ He had a massive heart attack and died within forty-eight hours.

From about a fortnight after he died she was conscious of his presence at different times. She sighted him in the passage, fleetingly, looking quite solid, in the evening a few times. He continued some of the old patterns. He would bump her bed in the middle of the night, presumably with his knee she thought, quite frequently. He had always done this to wake her in the mornings with a kiss and a cup of tea. Now she found it keeping her awake and confessed that she is obsessed with getting a good night’s sleep. After about a year she changed the bed to an iron bed. ‘As soon as I changed the bed he stopped.’

There were two experiences far more significant and meaningful than these earlier ones. The first one was in Townsville three and a half years after he died. She had flown there to have a holiday with her son and his wife and their children in their high-set home. She remembers the day. She was downstairs hanging the baby’s clothes on the line inside a solid, high wooden fence with its solid wooden gate nearby. Suddenly, to her utter shock and amazement, the gate flew open and ‘there was Chris.’ He had his hand over the top of the gate and he was grinning in the happy cheeky way she had always loved. She could not believe her eyes. She froze. He was standing at the gate that had flown open for no reason at all. How could he know she was in Townsville? He was so solid, so present, so real, so much himself. And he had shorts on … and he had a bright turquoise shirt on that I’d never seen him in before. And he had his hand over the top of the gate and he grinned at me ... and I froze, because it was such a long time since I’d seen him. And then he was gone.

She rushed upstairs to tell her daughter-in-law. ‘I’ve just seen Dad. I’m in Townsville, I can’t believe I’ve seen him.’ Noni responded, ‘He knows where

112 you are.’ Helen knew Noni believed things like this could happen. She was reassured. She wasn’t dreaming. She could hardly believe he found her there after three and a half years. She feels happy that he is still around. ‘Its lovely, I haven’t lost him. It was only a month ago.’ What was so amazing was that he was wearing a bright turquoise shirt she had never seen on him before. She wasn’t even thinking about him. And suddenly he was there. ‘Same old shabby shorts. Not changed.’ He looked the same as ever. His face had not changed, still the same happy face, his special grin. Except for the shirt, the bright turquoise shirt. She worried a little that perhaps he had a new woman.

The next day as she lay under the house on the big hammock, Noni came down to tell her what she had heard on the news. John Howard had just said we were at war. And, she added, ‘Chris came to tell you not to worry.’ Helen would not have thought of that. That he had come for a reason, so that she would not worry. When she reflected on it she thought it was probably true. They had both been through war. She remembered five years of it in London as a child. Chris, thirteen years older, had been a rear gunner in the Battle of Britain and could never talk about it.

And now, instead of being worried, she felt a great sense of comforting. He came when she wasn’t even thinking of him. He came because he knew it would help her. Three years ago it was so final. I was alone. He’d gone. That was it. He just wasn’t there. Although he was bumping my bed he wasn’t there. And I saw him in the corridor a few times. But the experience I had a month ago was so real, and so solid that I don’t feel alone anymore.

When I contacted Helen for a second interview she nearly jumped down the phone. She hadn’t known where to find me and wanted to share another more recent event. She was still conveying her utter amazement about the experience. I was asleep. It was in the middle of the night. I was lying on my side and I was woken with a kiss on my cheek, it just woke me up

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and I was so scared I didn’t turn around. Then this arm came around my waist, this person cuddled up against me, gave me a kiss, put its arm around my waist. I could feel it. It’s the first time I’ve ever felt anything.

I was scared stiff. And I froze. I just froze. Then there was movement in the bed. The end of the mattress went down like somebody was sitting on it, and then it stopped. And I lay there in the bed for, I imagine, two hours. I was in a sweat. I couldn’t believe it. Eventually about four o’clock I got up and checked the door to see that it was locked. Because, I thought, somebody had to have come in because it was so physical. But the door was locked.

Helen kept reiterating, ‘it was so physical.’ She thought it lasted about a minute, and then she just lay there in a panic for hours. After she had time to recover from the fear she realised it was Chris. ‘I just knew it was Chris because it was the things he used to do.’ Since then the experience has brought Helen a lot of happiness. The Townsville experience was the biggest one up until August. Then August, it was scary, but afterwards it’s just been so beautiful. Just that kiss. It was just beautiful. I felt he was saying ‘I love you’ and wanted to be close. I’m extremely busy, I’ve got a great social life and I’m happy. I’ve become happy, very, very recently.

She is enjoying her involvement in the retirement village. Others recognise the change in her. She feels the free spirit in her has come out. Chris was a loyal, honest man, and fun loving but also very possessive and controlling. Now she feels free of his control while knowing he still loves her even if she acts in ways he would not have approved of when he was with her. She is now a free spirit and trusts their ongoing love.

The effects of these amazing encounters are unique to Helen’s own personality and her lived relationship with her husband before he died. When he died she was totally surprised that he was present to her in various ways, but since it was so, she was not totally surprised at the forms of his communications. She is not crying now as she had done. She still misses him and visits his grave every

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month and talks to him, telling him all her news. “You don’t get over it, you come to terms with it.’ But his coming to be with her, and the kiss, brought a transformation for Helen and gave her a new confidence and joy. These experiences have not changed her outlook on God, or her belief in the hereafter, or the way she sees the world. Her free spirit is simply enjoying her life now.

Meaning units for nature of experience Fleeting sight of solid presence of husband in passage in home. Bumping experiences at side of bed during the night –reminders of his presence but annoying because of their regularity and constancy and interruption to sleep. Apparitional experience of husband looking solid and dressed in both familiar and unfamiliar clothing. Gate flew open as husband sighted. Froze with fright and amazement, followed by delight that he had appeared to her while she was away from home. Experience of him looking just the same after three years. So convincing and real it took away immediately feelings of aloneness.

Experience of waking up in the middle of the night being kissed on the cheek. Physical experience of kiss and arm around her in bed for about a minute. Downward movement of mattress at end of bed as if someone was sitting on it. No further sensation. Unbelievable, stressful, broke out into a sweat from fear, waited for two hours. Terrifying, unable to move or check on experience to see if it was someone in this life or ‘dead’ husband. Gesture characteristic of ‘dead’ husband when he was alive.

Meaning units for after effects Does not feel alone anymore. Feels loved and remembered and cared for. Able to be a free spirit and still love husband and feel loved by him. Enjoying her life, busy, and feels very happy.

Charles Charles was seventy-nine when his wife died from cancer three years previously. They had been married for fifty-four years. It had been a long and very loving relationship. They had three sons. For the first three weeks after her death and the funeral Charles felt very lost. ‘I was aimless. I went about doing the things that were there for me to do. There was no good reason in what I was doing.’ It was a matter of waiting for time to pass. He was missing Olga.

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She was as superb a mother as I can imagine. Years of wifely companionship with me, and I never saw her angry, I never saw her thrown in her stride. She was so easy going and things just happened and she used those things to her advantage if they were something she felt was a good flow.

It had been a beautiful farewell in the Uniting Church, filled to overflowing, Olga much loved and missed. Now, not only had he lost her but he was also carrying his own doubts and fears about any future life. He had lacked for some time a belief in Resurrection. This had worried him because Olga had believed. Yet his experience was a lifetime of work, ‘dealing with death and allied factors in the insurance loss area,’ trauma, autopsy rooms. His specialty was electrocutions. Just bodies with no life in them. In the last years he found he could no longer say the creed out loud in church, even though he and Olga attended their local Uniting Church where he had been an elder. There was no sense of what post-death could imaginably be. Olga was ‘quite of a belief there was a life hereafter,’ and they agreed to disagree.

It worried Charles that she was so convinced. They could not find a good wavelength even to discuss it. Not that he wanted her to agree with his doubt, it was a hard place to live. Unable to imagine what post-death could be for people, he could not find anything tangible in the Christian belief about that, ‘why should I believe this old time make-believe served up by the Church that was part of our Bible.’

Then the day twenty-three days after her death dawned. It was a difficult day. He was missing her greatly. He had taken a trip to the city to see the solicitor, reading The Prophet, kindly sent by a friend as a help for grief, on the tram. Coming home there had been some washing and ironing and he was very tired. He settled down to watch the seven o’clock news as they had been wont to do together.

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Watching the news Charles noticed it was 7.15 pm. Next thing he woke up abruptly feeling completely disoriented and noticed the clock on the video said 7.50 pm. For a moment he did not know where he was. Angry, he realised he had been asleep for over half an hour and had missed something he wanted to watch. Then I was stopped in my tracks because Olga was standing alongside the television set and looking intently at me and there was an aura just reaching out. Something reached out and just held the two of us. I felt, why is this happening to me here, now. The assurance I gathered was that she was completely changed.

She had her right forearm on top of the video, which was sitting on top of the TV. Gone was the excess weight, the jaundice, the lines of pain on her face, the dark look of pain in her eyes, his last memories of her in the hospital. Her facial appearance was of one in first class health, she was extraordinarily content. It was just exuding from her that wherever she was and is, is total satisfaction for her. And for me I felt envious at that moment of the state of wholeness that she has. I have to emphasise that I was wide-awake. …Then there was, for me, an overwhelming moment that I realised she was wearing her paisley frock.

It was so clear she was so solidly present. She was of her age, seventy-eight. She looked at him with a warm, contented and dominating gaze, holding his attention with total absorption. It was only nineteen days since she was cremated to this moment of total wonder. The paisley frock she was wearing was one he had loved her in more than anything else she had ever worn, ‘How can she be changed and return to me?’ Normally they would be sitting together, she in the chair beside him. Instinctively, he turned to look at the chair, she was not there, he looked back, she was gone. It didn’t enter my mind to try and converse with her. I was trying to work out why she was standing in front of me. …It was the most overwhelming experience of my life. That she could appear beyond all knowledge and encompass me and deal with me so forcibly. It was unbelievable. Let me say this … My world changed in an instant. It completely changed.

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Charles was delivered in that moment from the aimless lost existence of the past days. When Olga died there was no good reason for doing anything. Such overwhelming reassurance in the face of his terrible doubt had brought a knowing, life again, a sense of purpose. ‘Now I know with absolute certainty that there is a wonderful life beyond.’ I was missing her, I knew that I couldn’t replace, in the sense that she wouldn’t come back, and so I simply say, to me and for me, she returned. She destroyed my doubt for resurrection completely. She let me know in that reappearance that all was well. Then she went. … She knew she had transformed me. … I wanted to remember everything that happened in that appearance and to record it and that’s what I’ve done.

This human experience of a long and faithful love, was meeting across some invisible, unknowable divide. He who had lost faith, almost lost hope, had been visited by Olga who had known his doubt, his disillusion. Her ‘absolute serenity and her being at peace, wherever that may be, while she was in my living room … was just overwhelming’ and she was assuring him of his future. And then the realisation of the dress she was wearing, one from a long time ago, of brown and red Paisley shapes and over a whitish background and buttoned to her neckline. It has been many years since she had worn it last, but in those times I had consistently told her it was, by far, my favourite of all her dresses, and there it was displayed to me. I had not thought of it in many years so the thought of a signal of it from a ‘hereafter’, cannot arise from my initiation. So I am left in wonder and awe for the seeming revelation.

Three or four days later a lady from the church who had helped him pack her clothes into bundles came to dispose of her clothes. He undid the bundles looking for the paisley frock. There was no frock. And I doubted it. I really did. I went looking for the dress. I didn’t find it. I doubted the dress really existed. I went looking for other evidence. And I had to go through my slide collection – and then was a wonderful moment. I sat back and I almost grinned that I had clarified something. Something that was totally overwhelming and unbelievable. I had located slide no. 22 of November 1973, of Olga wearing this outfit with ‘Nana’ Gurr, on the back terrace here.

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He had found proof positive that the dress he had seen her in was a dress she had worn and he had loved thirty years ago. A dress she was wearing now although there was no way she could have fitted into it in the last few years. Now, three years later, he looks at the pictures he hung on the wall a year ago. He sits at night, with Mitzi, the cat, and if he is not watching television or reading, he looks at the wall of photos that tell the story of Olga’s life, and he’ll say to the cat, ‘Tell me, which one do you love the best? The cat’s all knowing but keeps it to herself. So, I’m not worried about the body she had achieved at the end, because there are thousands of different bodies that have been Olga.’

The experience was transformative for Charles, and the after-effects powerful and lasting. Unlike many people who have had similar experiences he carries no concern about sharing what happened to him. He wants to tell everybody about this marvellous thing. He is a changed man. He wants everybody to know. Olga’s appearance was so unexpected, so astounding, Charles was completely overwhelmed. It was his Damascus. It wasn’t a slow conversion. It was an immediate and total transformation. It could be measured, perhaps, by the dramatic turn from deepest doubt, and years of tussling with lack of belief, and arguments with Olga, where they had agreed to disagree about an afterlife. Olga had believed, there had been ‘no weaving of edges around her belief.’

As he describes it, he ‘began to live again.’ She had given back to him a realisation that this earthly life had a purpose. It wasn’t just a matter of ‘we work, we earn a living, we raise a family, we die.’ ‘She let me know in that appearance that all was well. Then she went.’ She had stayed about ten seconds. He wanted to record it faithfully. His years as an insurance assessor gave him the knowledge of the importance of detail and accuracy and he wrote his record of the experience.

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An important factor in the after-journey was the paisley frock. ‘I don’t understand how she would have organised some heavenly committee or whatever to give her the freedom to return to deal with me in that manner.’ He then went looking for another photo after our second interview by phone and found one and sent it to me. It was taken thirty-seven years ago, dated Feb.1966, and Olga then about forty-three. I sought to describe her appearance in the resurrection summary. If you add the aging difference to the photo, whilst her hair had greyed, this is exactly her expression then and precisely her reappearance expression repeated so profoundly on 4th July 2000. I hold the photo and literally she expresses still, ‘I love you so’ and I am humbled.

Charles now lives in a permanent state where there is ‘this wonderful reinforcement to faith’, and the knowledge that ‘Olga surely lives on in this new dimension, and nothing whatsoever in all of God’s kingdom could persuade me otherwise.’ In his desire to share the goodness that has come for him from the experience he is happy to talk to anybody who would be helped by hearing his story, who like himself has had such doubt.

‘Now I don’t know what loneliness is. She has told me to be patient.’ He thinks about her wisdom. ‘She could see I needed something like that.’ He only hopes he ends up where Olga is. ‘The wonder and awe remain.’ He knows very clearly that Olga wanted him to know, and he lives in the wonder of that ‘lasting impression of Olga and her contentment.’ He is no longer afraid of death and now that he is in his eighties he knows it will be sooner rather than later. For Olga to come as she did was to deal with my disbelief. And the other factor was that she returned wearing a dress I had told her consistently back around the 70’s was my favourite … and so she destroyed my doubt, and the end result is that I am particularly contented because I have absolute faith there is a hereafter.

Meaning units for nature of experience Came out of sleep dozing in front of TV. Startling, unbelievable, disorienting. Aura reached and held them in a togetherness.

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Questioning why was it happening and how could it happen. Olga’s appearance was transformed and in good health. Exuded contentment, peace, serenity, and total satisfaction. Dressed in dress he had loved thirty years before. Gaze was intent and dominating, and forcible. World changed in that instant – no longer doubted resurrection or afterlife. Grief and missing dissolved into a sense that all was well for her and for him.

Meaning units for after-effects Transformation of feeling from aimlessness and loss to sense of purpose. Search for evidence of the paisley frock. Evidence found in slide taken 30 years before was overwhelming and unbelievably wonderful. Continuing sense of wonder and awe at the revelation. Set up a wall of photos depicting Olga’s life. Talks about the experience easily and enjoys sharing how it changed him and transformed his life. He began to live again. Knows that all is well with her and for him. Recorded it soon after the event in a signed statement so it would not be lost. Looked for photo carrying expression in appearance and found it, taken in the 60’s. Could never be persuaded otherwise that Olga lives on in new dimension. Does not know what loneliness is, is waiting patiently. Not afraid of death – looking forward to it. Particularly contented with his life now and has absolute faith in a hereafter.

Bernadette Bernadette’s first experience of her husband’s presence occurred three months after he died. It was a powerful, vivid and very disturbing experience of communication. Fourteen dreams followed over a period of three years, together with four more clear experiences of his presence. She kept journal records of her experiences so they provide significant and accurate accounts of her experiences of her after-death contacts with him.

John died of a melanoma cancer at sixty-four year of age, fourteen months after diagnosis and five years prior to our first interview. Bernadette was sixty-three and they had been married thirty-nine years. They had three grown-up children. She nursed her husband at home, where he died after a long last night of

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struggling with breathing. He died on Easter Sunday morning at five am. She was totally shattered when he died. Her world fell apart.

Although normally a practical and pragmatic person who had lived a professional life, she found the days and nights very difficult particularly during the first year. It was a long time of grieving, difficulty with sleep, and learning to live alone. Happy just to be with her husband, she had not really needed anybody else. With his death she became frantic and erratic at times and worked hard physically in their vineyard to cope with the sense of loss and feeling so alone. Prayer and meditation helped before her husband died, as they both meditated and hoped it would contribute to a healing. Afterwards she found regular prayer and meditation ‘of enormous importance. It had a calming effect particularly in the worst periods.’

Her husband had retired eight years earlier due to health factors, high blood pressure and a high powered stressful job. They moved to the country and enjoyed shaping their new life of building a house and growing a vineyard. They were a loving and self-contained unit, happy doing things together. They had lived a full and interesting life both in Australia and overseas. He enjoyed philosophical and religious discussions over Sunday lunches and a few glasses of wine with family and friends, but was quite reserved about himself and his inner feeling. His faith and religious belief, though part of his life, did not seem able to take away his fears as his condition worsened. He could not own he was dying and would not talk about it. Consequently he did not say his good-byes to his family. He did not want to die.

The first experience occurred three months after his death. It was very disturbing. I was awake sometime in the middle of the night when I heard this voice quite clearly. I don’t know if it was in my head or not and I don’t know if it sounded like John’s voice or not but it was definitely him. He said, ‘I am here.’ Then a pause. ‘Don’t worry about money.’ I was terrified and found the experience very disturbing. I thought I must be going mad and then the voice said,

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‘You are very sane.’ And that was all. This was two days before the full moon on late Saturday/early Sunday and was exactly three months after he died.

She had expected some sort of contact from him, like the one she had after her mother’s death, which was just the feeling that her mother was okay. This was utterly different and she was completely thrown by the experience. Her journal entry noted ‘Disturbing – having great difficulty coming to terms with internal voice – not at all what I had expected.’ This was something totally outside of any past life experience. It felt so strong and it intruded into her very mind and she was shaken that he had picked up and responded to her inner thought. He was strongly and definitely and shockingly present.

It was true that she had been worrying a lot about money and had been trying to sort out her financial arrangements for the future. Although it was so disturbing she did let go of her concerns. ‘I really did stop worrying about it to the same extent after the contact with him.’ It made a big difference at this time of maximum stress. Then about a month later she had a dream where she received the gift of peace from or through John. It came in a blue suitcase. She noted in her journal. ‘I know he is at peace. I felt wonderful on waking and for the next twenty-four hours.’

Again a month later she was awake around midnight and felt his presence. After the first experience she felt more able to manage the mind-to-mind conversation which she had with him. ‘I asked him many questions which he answered and I remember his voice echoed as he spoke. I did not have the same overwhelming feeling of contact or of fear. It was much more manageable.’ The energy with which he conveyed his thought seemed to be more moderated

She was working on the vines at that time and asked him where were the tin snips. He responded that they were in the red box. Her expectation was that he would know from his new place of abode anything she asked of him. Next morning she

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was unable to locate the tin snips in his red tool-box. ‘I was devastated.’ Her diary entry reads: Have I been imagining it all? Is my mind playing tricks on me? It (the earlier contact) was too intrusive and upsetting for me to have imagined it.

The nature of the experience was such that she clearly recognised his presence and was able to participate in a conversation within her own mind with him. However her preconceptions of what his capacities were from the other side resulted in the experience being quite distressing and sent her on a continuing search for a red box for many months following the experience. These two experiences of auditory presence had been powerful, important and helpful but also very distressing in different ways. Later experiences did not include this type of contact. Bernadette wondered if her husband realised they were not the best mode of contact for her. Was he too learning from the other side?

There were three more experiences of presence interwoven with experiences of dreams over the three years. The next ‘presence’ experience came about six months later and was felt fleetingly but definitely beside her in the car as she was driving through mountains in the rain. After another five months she was at Sunday Mass in her local church. I felt John’s presence beside me on my right hand. I felt if I reached out I could put my hand over his on the back rail of the seat ahead of me …The awareness lasted three or four minutes.

Nine months later again she was in hospital and ‘full of pethidine.’ ‘I had a brief feeling of John’s presence on my right but nothing clear like my previous feelings of contact.’ She felt the pethidine made a difference to her capacity to experience his presence. These were very definite experiences and provided a sense of the reality of his continuing presence to her in such a way she knew he was there.

Over the three years there were also thirteen dreams in which she experienced his presence but in a different way. It was a different type of contact and

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communication. Bernadette is clear about distinguishing the dream experiences from the awake experiences. In the awake experiences she declares he was really there. There was no mistaking it. ‘A dream is a dream, it is a different feeling.’

Even though she believes her dreams were authentic experiences of his presence she is not sure how much her own subconscious also contributed to the unfolding of the dreams. She found they mostly occurred around the time of the full moon, either just before or just after. She used to hope and wait for these dreams and found them both wonderful and worrying. Interestingly she does not remember dreaming very much before this time or since this period of three years when, she acknowledges, she was in a very emotional and disturbed place as she came to terms with the grief and loss, and the learning to live alone. She wonders if her own emotional state contributed to his ability to get through. She does not dream of him or about him anymore. She would like to but believes he has moved on now. And she only wants what is best for him.

The first dream was almost five months after he died, two weeks after the ‘tin snips’ experience of his presence, and two nights after the full moon. He was there beside me in the bed. He was solid and I was able to hold him in my arms – it was wonderful. I could feel the hollow in his left shoulder, he was still very thin but better.

A later part of the dream she asked if he was happy as his sister wanted to know. He replied, ‘I’m trying to get some help for Mary.’ Then she saw that he looked awful, ‘pale unshaven and puffy. He was wearing an anorak with a hood.’ He said to me ‘You must try to quiet your mind for even a very short period.’ ‘I’m trying to but not very successfully. ’ He then said, ‘I thought I’d told you that’ and he looked at the bookcase where his books were and I woke up.

This dream was followed two nights later by another disturbing dream where he was waiting in the after-life, ‘all about thought police’ and feeling bitter about his situation. This was ‘quite unlike him.’ She said to him how wonderful the

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previous dream had been where she held him, to which he replied, ‘They missed me here.’ Two months later she had another dream where he came for a short time. He looked different, younger and darker skinned, not really like him. Bernadette asked him ‘Are you happy and at peace? What is it like?’ He responded, ‘Wonderful, impossible to describe.’ Two months later again there was another dream, I ‘woke’ and he was beside me in the bed. It was now over eight months since he died and it was the day after his birthday. He said, ‘It gets a bit boring on the other side.’

Two months later there were three dreams in the same night. In one she saw him standing on a hill looking at their vineyard, looking up the hill at the grapes. He had his trademark hat on and a checked shirt. In the next dream he was in bed with her and they talked. He said, ‘Don’t worry about selling things.’ She had been agonising about selling some shares and had finally done so a week before the dream. ‘These were the first shares I had ever sold. He would never sell shares even when we needed the money.’ So she felt relieved and set free by his words to her. She did not ever worry again about selling shares.

Other dreams which followed were waited for and hoped for as times of loving contact but some of them she found disturbing because he said on a few occasions he was lonely or frustrated or having difficulties. She worried about him because of this. One of them she wrote about in her journal. Last night was full moon. I was okay this month, calm and happy and very tired as I had been putting netting into bags. Woke at 2.30, very wide-awake. Eventually went back to sleep and had my first dream of John since February. We were sitting on benches outside a restaurant, he was on my left. He looked fit and well but was thinner and his freckles stood out. He looked younger. I said, ‘I can see and touch you.’ He said, ‘I told you I was here.’ Later he said, ‘I haven’t told them I was coming, they don’t like me to let you see me and speak to you.’

She was glad to see him again and felt the love she had sent had brought him. ‘The bridge is love, I had gone back to sleep sending messages of love to him.’

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Still she found these messages disturbing because she sensed his struggle adjusting to his new life. I suppose I had the simplistic expectation that he would be ‘at peace’ and in the light and when I kept getting dreams about how unhappy he was in the afterlife I found it very upsetting. I was worried I could do nothing to help him or make things better for him.

She also agonized about letting him go. Each month around the full moon she would sleep poorly, waiting and hoping he would come in a dream. So by the time sixteen months had passed she was noting in her journal. Nothing this month. Feel as though the dreams won’t come anymore. … I feel it may be time for him to move on and for me to let go. … I had the feeling I was keeping him from his next stage … I wanted what was best for him.

However two weeks later she had gone to bed very depressed and lonely and worried about family and she had a short dream where the toilet wouldn’t flush and she tried to fix it. Water was pouring everywhere and ‘I was screaming for John to come and help me which he did. He fixed things quickly and efficiently.’ Even in the dream Bernadette remembers she was delighted to think the dreams hadn’t stopped and she felt comforted that when she was distraught and didn’t know what to do he had come and fixed things. She felt not so alone. ‘He really is there. I don’t have to carry this all by myself.’

Two weeks later in a dream which came one night after the full moon, he held her in his arms, and we talked and he said he was lonely too, and frustrated, as they were not advancing his case… Later I said, ‘But I thought it was meant to be all things to all people’ and he said, ‘It’s not like that.’ …I went to hug him and woke up.

It was now almost eighteen months since John’s death. She notes in her journal about three months later: No more dreams. I feel he is gone, that he has moved on somehow – I don’t understand any of it and only want what is best for him. I

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feel so much better in myself, the change is unbelievable. Not that I don’t miss him and always will but some of the awful ache is gone and I’m no longer so depressed.

Giving a talk to others who were grieving at a memorial service around this time `was like a catharsis and a turning point. It helped put her journey into perspective and see how she had progressed.

Then about seven months later there was another dream. In this one again she felt him in bed. She turned over hoping he would still be there, and he was and they talked. He said to her, ‘I want, or need(?), you to work with people like me’ … Then he was naked and curved like a board in a ship’s hull. She connected the dream image with an illustration in Kahlil Gibran’s book, The Prophet (1926), which accompanied a poem about death. ‘The illustration is not quite how I saw it in my dream but is pretty close.’ She reflected on some of the lines of the poem as she tried to understand the image. If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life. For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.

She tried to understand what it meant. Was it about working with the dying, or with people who had cancer? Or was it about people who were struggling with death and what came after?

A final dream came about ten months later and it was now just over three years since he had died. Her journal notes, ‘Went to bed tired and depressed and then had this wonderful dream about John. It was two nights before the full moon.’ After all the preceding dreams this one was different, ‘he looked and sounded like the old John’ and ‘I woke up filled with a sense of peace and happiness.’ Her journal record: We were at some seaside house and he was in bed waiting for me. I could see the wall of the bedroom quite clearly. It was made of rough sawn wood and needed finishing and painting. I said, ‘It’s not such a bad house after all.’ He said, ‘Come to bed and we can be together.’ He looked and sounded just like the old John. I went

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to get into the bed and he was lying on my side of the bed and I said I wanted to be on my side of the bed. He said, ‘I didn’t realise I was on your side of the bed. I can’t see outside my eyes anymore.’ I woke up then filled with a sense of peace and happiness I haven’t felt for many months. Even now, this morning I feel happy and peaceful and feel I can cope with my problems again. There have been no further contacts or dreams since that time.

It was as though after three years he had come home to himself again, and shared that sense of peace with her. It was like a farewell dream as he did not come again. What to make of these very different experiences? Bernadette realised as she looked back through her diary that, though the experiences had been relatively few, particularly in the latter eighteen months, ‘they had such an enormous impact on me when they occurred that I thought there had been many more of them than there actually were.’ She notes they nearly always came around the time of the full moon and that he had died on Easter Sunday which was two days after the full moon. She wonders whether it was related to the time of his death, a time of the month when she was possibly more upset and more receptive, or her own hormonal cycle. It also meant she waited each month for some sort of contact or dream which often did not come and so she slept badly at this time.

She believes that the reason he came in the dreams was because she had found the auditory presence experiences so disturbing and he realised ‘that we couldn’t continue to communicate in that way.’ She used to feel him in bed beside her in the dreams, and she had the feeling he was there, ‘that I was able to hold him’ but they were dreams. It was a recognition that the nature of the experience was different in a dream to the felt presence while awake.

Two years later, revisiting the journals and talking about the effects of her experiences she comments, The messages in the dreams are really simple and direct when you look at them closely. Some of the details and trimmings are obviously irrelevant and influenced by stuff from day to day living

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but the core messages seem very sound and authentic nearly seven years on.

Now as she reflects further on the influence of these experiences she realises she had not thought much about the afterlife prior to his death, ‘except in the classic Catholic mode of Heaven, Hell and Purgatory. I had not seen it as an active process of ongoing struggle, but rather as a passive process of cleansing until we are worthy of the beatific vision.’ Her experiences have thrown many things up for re-examination in the light of her own lived reality.

She now believes that the disturbing dreams suggesting he was not happy or at peace and was lonely were due to the fact that he was initially, at the time of his transition process, very unaccepting of his death. Once he accepted it ‘he was able to move on and no longer needed to hang onto his earthly contacts. He was the one who let go, not me.’ When he eventually moved on to the next stage, ‘I think this is when the dreams stopped. If you are constantly returning to your old life and old places you can’t move on into the new world of the spirit.’

For herself she now sees death as a period of transition from one part of the journey to the next stage. She does not find change easy ‘so there is a great deal of fear at the thought of death.’ It is a time of loss of control. She sees the afterlife differently now. It is no longer just ‘peace in the arms of God’ but part of the ongoing struggle towards perfection. For her, the whole experience of his death and its aftermath has been a realisation that many of us spend our lives on things that are of little or no importance. ‘It has forced me to look at what the really important things in life are about – love and service.’ A quotation from Tagore is significant, and speaks to her about how she now wants to live her life. I slept and I dreamt that life was all joy I woke and I found that life was all service, I served and I found that service was joy. Rabindranath Tagore

She sees herself as a very different person from the person she was seven years ago. She has learnt to live alone and to deal with the problems that her husband

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had dealt with before his death, particularly the financial ones. She likes to be able to pay her bills but does not worry about them so much anymore. His message, ‘don’t worry about money’, has remained an enduring reality for her.

She believes we live in a very secular and death-denying society. Because of this, like many others who have had encounters with loved ones, she is not prepared to discuss her experiences with any ‘but my closest family and friends.’ Even some of them she knows find her experiences hard to accept, and they ‘are put off by mention of what were [my] legitimate personal experiences.’ They were amazing and they were very real. ‘It’s interesting that all this has happened to someone as practical and pragmatic as me, but it has and it did.’

Her basic belief in a Supreme Being has not changed but the whole journey of developing spiritually has become more significant. She sees it now as ‘living and growing into who we are meant to be.’ She has become accustomed to living on her own, and though she likes to see family and close friends, she is quite happy with her own company now having struggled with it in the first few years. Her experiences of her husband’s presence and his communications in the dreams helped her manage the grief and loss she so deeply felt. She felt supported in the journey of those first three years where she was trying to build a new life. She was constantly challenged by her life circumstances to change and to grow and to respond and she found his visits ‘a very positive supporting influence in my life’ during those years. She did not feel she was doing it all by herself. After three years her experiences stopped and she accepted that he had moved on.

She enjoys the life she has now built which in some ways is surprising to her. Before her husband died he was, on the whole, all she needed. She values the loving family relationships that have developed over the last years. She has grown and expanded her life in ways she would not have expected, and her family has also come to rely on her ways of loving, supporting and helping them.

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Meaning units for nature of experience Powerful, vivid, disturbing, intrusive, upsetting. ‘Internal’ voice experienced, very strong. Thought she was going mad – terrifying. Spontaneous thought response read and responded to. Message appropriate and helpful, relieving.

Feeling of presence. Mind to mind conversation in middle of night. Asked questions and received answers. Less fearful, not so intrusive, moderated, manageable. Devastated that gave incorrect answer to one question – is mind playing tricks? Palpable presence, located in space in different places - car, church, hospital.

Dreams Different experience of presence in dreams. Husband felt solid and able to be held. Felt wonderful. Shock when seeing his appearance, disturbing, worrying. Conversation and also an instruction to quieten mind for a short time if possible. Dreams located mostly in bed and bedroom. Dreamer physically present in bed and bedroom at the time. Series of dreams, some with disturbing content because messages of being lonely, frustrated, bitter, and unhappy, and not acting as expected by the other side. Trying to learn and understand situation. Feeling of helplessness about making things better for him – sending messages of love and peace. Experience of his care and concern in messages about money, selling things, fixing toilet when screaming for help. Some dreams located in other places. Sometimes aware that it is a dream within the dream and aware of delighted feelings about that. Dream where husband asked her to help or work with people like himself – difficult to understand. Final dream brought sense of peace and happiness, different location, rough-hewn walls at seaside, being together again in dream.

Meaning units for after effects Recognition of difference between presence and presence in dreams. Noticed dreams came mostly around full moon. Disturbed sleep at those times because hoping for contact which did not always happen. Recognition that messages in dreams are simple and direct, trimmings influenced by dreamer. Made sense of messages in context of knowledge of husband - perceived as authentic.

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Fearful of death and loss of control in the process. After-life now seen differently from before experiences – shift from conventional understanding to understanding based on experiences. Felt ongoing support from messages about money and selling, and crises. Unable to discuss experiences – culture of non-acceptance in death denying society – except with close friends and family. Important to develop spiritually – to become who one really is – one’s best self. Love and service ways to develop. Contacts over three year period helped manage new life, decisions, gave support. Has expanded her life - wider than husband as primary. Enjoys a lot about her life now. Still misses husband but differently.

Rodicca Rodicca is a professional woman in her forties. Her husband died nine years prior to our first interview. Since then she tells of a number of different types of experiences where she feels she has had communications from him. Early on she experienced him around her in symbolic ways. Five years later she experienced him as wanting to heal those aspects of their relationship which had been so troubling for her, and of actively helping her.

Her husband died of a cerebral aneurism after several days in hospital although he had been suffering a form of cancer for some years. He was in his late fifties, she was eighteen years younger and they had been married for about twenty years. They had two children. They had a difficult and complex relationship. He was from a European background and she was Greek. She felt controlled and dominated by him as she had been by her father and was herself emotionally needy. When necessary she could fight for what she really wanted.

He was a workaholic with a very brilliant mind and he liked helping people, but in the marriage she sees now, looking back, he was not able to provide the sort of intimacy she hoped for. One of her biggest concerns was that he did not kiss her properly and their sexual life was unsatisfying for her. He was just a very bitter, very angry, reserved person, he wanted me because I was young and beautiful. That’s what I think. He was like a father to me, for me, he was eighteen years older and

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therefore he just continued where my parents left off. I think he loved me but he was obsessed with my body. It was just sex. He didn’t kiss me properly. That was a major problem in our marriage. (And) he was very jealous.

She sees now he wanted someone sexually and she wanted someone to lean on emotionally. They did not mentally connect. After ten years she decided to study herself. She had said she would leave him because he had become so disconnected from her and the children and so they went to counselling. This happened a few months before he died even though he was not expected to die at that time, and ‘things got really good’ for a while.

Soon after he ended up in hospital. In the days before he died he was in and out of a coma, and she experienced him as angry with her and refusing to acknowledge her. She could not work out why, did not know what to do, and found it very distressing ‘We never said goodbye.’ This worried Rodicca terribly for a long time and left her with a sense of being unfinished. After he died, she lost a lot of weight and grieved deeply over the loss. She also carried a lot of anger because of his disloyalty to her which she only realised after his death. She says the anger kept her going. ‘I was in a pretty bad state for a few years after he died.’ During this time she used to be woken up quite often in the mornings because her phone would ring. I always had the telephone right next to the bed and I would be woken up with the telephone ringing in my ears, but when I’d wake up it wasn’t my phone. So I kept getting these telephone calls and they actually lasted on and off until about two years ago - although only once or twice in the last five years. I knew that was him saying – ‘hi, here I am.’

Rodicca found it difficult to explain the experience. Was it the actual telephone ringing or was it ringing in her mind? She now wonders if she had answered it, might she have got a communication from him. What she found remarkable was that a few months before he died while he was away hunting he rang her and he

134 was tearful saying, ‘I have just realised that when I die I will not be able to ring you any more.’

Sometimes she would be in the middle of the city, and there would be ‘all these crows doing something … calling. He used to love hunting crows’ she explained. Then she laughed, ‘I don’t hear them everyday at all, but this morning I heard all these crows carrying on outside. So I laughed and I thought, okay!’ She was actually very surprised, she doesn’t usually get crows swooping, other birds maybe, but not crows. She wondered if it was because it was Valentine’s Day or that I was coming to talk to her about her experiences. Whenever I see crows there is significance in it for me and often there is no reason for crows to be where they are … wherever. I always say, ‘Hi Mark.’ That’s what I always say, ‘Hi Mark.’

In that first year, she felt he was still around and she was often aware of these signs of his presence. She tells how she sold his car on the other side of the city but it just kept turning up when she was driving around her suburb. She found that unnerving. She grieved and was troubled and angry and found it hard to move on because it was all so unfinished.

Then five years after his death she had a very significant dream. It came at a time in her life when she was ‘very, very distressed’, having a lot of problems with her job, worried about being sacked, problems with her child, problems with the relationship she was in which was troubling her. It was a time of crisis. I had a dream about him, he came and we were both lying down with our knees together and our arms touching, facing each other, almost like we were naked, but you couldn’t say we were both naked. It was a euphoric type of experience, and he said, ‘I have come to say goodbye, we never got to say goodbye’ and he said ‘we never did kiss’ and he just kissed – our lips touched and it was just like an energy going through my body. It was the most ‘on cloud nine’ experience. I was three-quarters asleep at one point (but) quite wide-awake to the experience and he just said, ‘I have come to tell you that you have got nothing to worry about. Everything will be alright. I am looking after you. You do not have anything to worry about. Everything will be alright.’ He just

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repeated these things, then he left. But there was this sensation in my body of peace and harmony. It was quite a major experience….

It was almost as if our energies had combined. It was just so euphoric and the kissing and the whole body. I woke up feeling quite different in the morning. Physically, quite different in the morning. Everything had changed. … I knew there would still be problems.

It gave her a sense of feeling somebody cared. ‘It made me feel that physically he couldn’t do anything but he was emotionally and spiritually helping.’ It was such an overwhelming time and she had not realised how much she was trying to do things for everybody else and had not stopped to think, ‘well nobody’s doing anything for me.’ I still got up and was worried. I got sacked, but you know I fought it all the way. Everything was all right. It really created great havoc for me emotionally. I got sacked and I separated from that bloke – just a whole lot of things you know.

The dream experience was a shock and a turning point. It had a powerful effect on her life and set her on a new path. She felt some unfinished business was done. He said goodbye, he kissed her and it felt as if he was saying sorry for ‘being so hurtful.’ Her life has not been easy but things have been different since that time. She has been aware she is protected. One particular sequence of experiences where she felt that Mark was looking after her occurred when she was in a relationship that was not good for her. Whenever she was in bed and having intercourse, ‘this black cat would flash and be smack bang in the face with green eyes.’ She and this male friend separated and the cat no longer troubled her. Then he wanted to get back together again so she thought she would give him another chance.

Gradually she started to get the cat again and it split into two, and the cat’s eyes would dance, rotating round and round. She felt they were trying to say, Hey. Hey we’re trying to tell you something, we’re trying to give you a message from the other side. ... It was warning bells. I

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always related that cat to my husband’s favorite black cat with the green eyes… Of course as soon as I ditched him a month or two later those cats never came back.

I asked her if she thought it was her husband protecting her or not wanting her to have another partner as she had said he used to be very jealous. ‘No, no’, she replied ‘it was him warning me about the one I was with, most definitely.’ With some confidence she then said, ‘So now you see, I am aware that I am protected.’ After sharing the story she voiced what so many voice when they have a profound experience that seems too good to be true. ‘It might not have been him. I don’t know, but I think it was him. I could be wrong, but I am not in any doubt.’ Utter conviction at one level, from the place in herself that experienced being cared for, still arguing with her rational analytical mind. The knowing comes as she plays out the dialogue and she ends the conversation saying, ‘but I am not in any doubt.’

Since then her life has become more spiritually oriented. Her spiritual journey began as she started to do a lot of reading. ‘There has been a major shift in the way I think.’ The books she chose expanded her understanding of herself. She now understands her fears and doubts better as voices in her mind and that her anxiety attacks were because of how she thought about things. She is changing her thinking patterns. ‘The most important thing that has changed me is every single book that has been placed before me by the Universe to read.’ Now she believes she understands ‘the real dynamics of what we are doing on the planet.’ She sees herself as on a journey and the experiences she has contribute to the growth of her soul. This is what is most important. I now can look at things differently. Basically I look at my body as a vehicle, like a car. My soul is the passenger of this car. It drives me to different journeys. ... My growth will be determined by what I experience on these journeys.

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She listens to her higher self, has learnt meditation and works hard in her profession, very much working for others. She feels more on track with her life and herself, more in tune with herself. If something is meant to happen it will. I know everything will be all right and now I am listening to my higher self. I find living very difficult. I have always found living very difficult and now I realise it is a journey I have got to take.

The books have helped her to find a way of understanding her marriage. She is grateful for many things. She realises she had a lot of bitterness even a few years ago. ‘I no longer do, I’m very thankful for what has come into my life.’ She tries to be positive because negativity is just wasted energy. She sees how all her experiences helped her to grow, even the difficult ones. Because she has become a bit of a loner she knows she needs to go out and experience life more and is trying to do that too.

She sees her spiritual journey as, ‘not necessarily with God, but with whoever you want to call it all the way up to the top.’ Growing up belonging to the Greek Orthodox religion, she now does not believe in going to church - it is a turn-off for her. But, ‘I certainly believe in a Higher Being. I certainly believe that I am very protected. I certainly believe I have been groomed and I am helping people.’

When I asked her if her experiences had changed her ideas about death, she responded, ‘I have never been scared of dying, ever. I have really found living a struggle you know. But now I look at life differently.’ For Rodicca, life is a journey to be undertaken, not always easy but there is now a better understanding about what is required of her. Helping others through her professional work is very important. If she does not engage with this task of living or cuts it short in some way she believes she may well have to come back again and that might be worse.

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She has been a battler and has learnt in the last few years that the battle does not have to be as hard as it used to be because she is protected, and she is learning to live from a deeper, more spiritual part of herself. She sees the patterns of her life and knows that God, the Universe, has always provided and will provide what is needed at a particular time. She believes that within that she can choose the direction and the attitude for her soul’s journey. There is still a way to go.

Meaning units for nature of experience ‘Phantom’ telephone calls – wakes up to phone ringing, but when awake it is not ringing, associates the experience with husband wanting to stay connected to her. Symbolic experiences with crows in unlikely settings – attributed to husband because he loved them. Images of cat’s eyes dancing in front of her – attributed to husband protecting her. Dream images of husband and self, together. Euphoric feelings, communication within dream experience – healing and saying goodbye, reassuring and promising help. Physical effect in body on waking –feeling of peace and harmony. A combining of energies in powerful experience of his presence and actions and words. Experienced as bringing support and lessening of aloneness. Did not change outer reality of being sacked from job, did change inner attitude and empowerment.

Meaning units for after-effects Opened to spiritual reality Brought comfort, closure, interest in finding out more about spiritual world Began meditation course, and reading spiritual books like ‘Seat of the Soul’ – had a big impact on how she understood her life journey. Discovered and listened to her higher self – seen as tapping into a wiser part of herself. Brought a sense of purpose and direction into her life. Life is not so fearful – there is a pattern, a journey, learning, soul growth. Gratitude for being shown spiritual realities and understandings through reading which make sense to her. Tries to be positive – understands negativity is wasted energy on her part. Looks at life and self differently. Wants to help people. Aware that everything is a test – to grow the soul. Believes in and is connected to Higher Being. Is not afraid of death.

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Jean-Marie Jean-Marie grew up in England in a family with three older brothers. She was a sensitive child and had a troubled and painful childhood. She had a difficult relationship with her mother and ‘had to fend herself’ from her father. Her eldest brother raped her when she was only eight years old. She grew up with very low self-esteem. She realised she had psychic ability but did not use it consciously in her early life. Her mother, a medium, used to do services in the Spiritualist Church. Jean-Marie would be taken along to these as a young person and learnt a lot about mediumship in her young years without being consciously aware of it.

She was only forty-one when her husband died suddenly of a heart attack at work twenty-eight years prior to our first interview. He was forty-two. They had been married for twenty years and had five children. It was a close and loving relationship. They came to Australia from England. Her husband was a production manager. He used to say he did not believe in spirit and had many discussions with Jean-Marie’s mother about it. . Before he died she had two pre-cognitive dreams which indicated that he was going to die and how he was going to die. She believes she was given these dreams to help her to manage the loss and grief when he died. He had a heart attack at his place of work and by the time they got him to the hospital he was dead. Jean-Marie is grateful to Spirit for giving her these dreams as a preparation. ‘If I hadn’t known beforehand I don’t think I would have survived.’ She speaks about the night he died. ‘When my husband died, that night he sat on the bed and held my hand all night. I didn’t see him, I felt his vibrations, I felt his energy and I felt his hand holding me.’ She says she cannot explain how she knew it was him and not some other presence. I just knew within my heart that it was him, the way he was holding my hand. We had special ways of holding hands. I only had to touch him and him the same with me, I’d feel an electric shock go up my arm, and that’s what I felt, the electricity, the energy, and so I knew it was him.

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She struggled greatly after his death and comments that her children were worried about her. She says a spirit voice helped her through and recounts one particular time when she felt the strength of the communication as a word which said to her ‘Stand there’ and found it was a turning point, to stop and begin again.

Some weeks after the funeral she bought her first house with his superannuation. She and the children moved in. She speaks of what happened on the first night in the house. I heard the front door open, it was locked, I knew it was locked because I’d locked it myself and our dog was there, and he wagged his tail when he walked in. He opened all the bedroom doors, to check on everybody. The children were all at home. In the morning I didn’t say anything. My eldest daughter said, ‘Did you hear Dad come in last night? He opened my bedroom door. He must have come to check.’ I said, ‘Yeah, I heard him.’ Everybody heard him. They all heard their bedroom door open and they weren’t surprised. I said, ‘He’s just come to check on us and to make sure we’re okay.’

Then at different times over the following years she became aware he was there. He used to walk around the house. He walks around the house at night just to check that everything’s okay. I know when he’s there because I get the perfume of roses. We have a signature tune together and whenever I hear that playing I know he’s around. I hear it playing in my head.

Then she tells the story of her most recent experience of her husband’s presence only two years ago. Her mother had always told her that spirit can be as solid as we are ‘but I had never experienced it.’ I went up to my friend’s place and I was lying in my bed, not doing anything in particular, and I turned on my side away from the door. I suppose I was thinking, and saying my prayers, in that nice quietude before you go to sleep, and the bedroom door opened. And I thought, ‘oh, who’s coming in?’ so I lay there and all of a sudden I felt this body beside me and then he said, ‘Hey, move up there, you’re taking all the bed again. You always did didn’t you?’ And when I turned around it was my husband. I actually saw him. Just like you and me. He held my hand; we talked and had some fun. It was quite, wow, you know …It was wonderful, he put his

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arms around me and we just hugged each other, and I thought, ‘wow’, it was fantastic you know.

Jean-Marie shared that he appeared as a man in his early twenties but completely able to be recognized as him. She believed that it showed the love between them was as strong as ever, that it would never die. Then he got up and said, ‘I have to go. They’re calling me. I must go now.’ And he sat on the end of the bed and he just went. He just disappeared. When I asked Jean-Marie what she thought happened in the experience and at the moment of going she replied. He went back to the spirit world. They were just giving me the experience because I said to them ‘I’ve never felt the solid form of spirit.’ They have to slow their vibrations down into the earth’s atmosphere, yes they must slow down because the earth has a very heavy atmosphere.

It was an extraordinary event. ‘And it really happened?’ I asked. Yes, yes, it really happened and I was quite surprised even though I work with … what I work with, you know what I mean. To have someone get into bed and you feel them as a person …

She found it hard to estimate how long he stayed. She felt it was spirit time, she did not have a sense of time. He talked mind to mind. These experiences have had significant effects in Jean-Marie’s life. Although she has worked in the world of Spiritualism, the experiences she has had with her husband since he died, have given her ‘a great sense of peace. It does make a difference. You know they are not dead and they can communicate with you.’

She still feels pleased about her first experience, that even though he had just died the one thing he wanted to do was still be with her. ‘He was still caring for me. It gave me a boost and helped me to cope.’ She knows that her husband’s death, terrible though it was at the time, and the experiences of his presence, changed her life. She realised she needed to start to care for herself and get to know herself as herself rather than as a wife and mother and daughter. She wanted to find out who she was, and why she was here. Her mother’s mediumship had always come

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first in the family and she had put the Spiritualist Church before the children. Jean-Marie had been determined not to do that.

Now she felt able to pursue this side of her own life. What that meant for her was that, ‘I could do what I wanted to do, which was help other people’ using her spiritual and psychic gifts. She gained more confidence in herself and began to learn as much as she could through a spiritual teacher and group. Channelling was part of this experience and the understanding that she must always work with unconditional love. She wanted to pass on what she learned. As her awareness grew she recognised her own ongoing connectedness to Spirit. She would become aware of this when she was working with people to help them. I can’t explain where the knowledge comes from. I just know it. I always know that if I need answers they give them to me. I’d say that a lot of (it) comes from an inner knowing from my spirits that I have with me. I know a lot of things before they happen. It’s like they put thoughts in my mind, they work through my mind and I know when certain thoughts come forward that it’s them talking to me and I have to do it. They guide me in the right direction – where I can help most people. I teach that we all have a light within us because we are originally spirit. We came down on this earth to learn lessons.

Jean-Marie has worked with people through the Spiritualist Church and in other ways and recounted some of her experiences of family members coming through from the other side, through her, to bring help to the person she was with. She spoke about how spirits progress on the other side. Everyone has to work in the spirit world. A lot of people think you don’t have to but you do because you have to make right whatever you’ve done on earth.

Jean-Marie explained how she works with spirit to help people. They say to us, they need me just as much as I need them. …They bring knowledge and wisdom forward to me so I can assist people to change, so they can have a better life.

She explained that bringing forward means that the pattern of thought comes into your mind. From her experience she believes the spirits can work better with you

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if you are open and simple about receiving what they bring. She believes death is like a rebirth because ‘we come from the spirit world.’ The only hard part of death is leaving loved ones behind.

She has found that since her husband came to her in solid form two years ago she is more able to accept her clairvoyance without being afraid. When she was only three she saw a spirit and was very frightened. She did not want it ever again and until recently she has not had that particular experience. She is now beginning to see spirit again. Just recently she was sitting in her house and ‘this nun walked down the stairs in all her regalia and then vanished – walked out the front door.’ She has no idea why it happened but she does have two ladies ‘that pop in every now and again to see if I am okay.’ Jean-Marie is now in her seventies. She lives very simply, is not at all materialistic, and shows much generosity in her ways of helping people who come across her path.

Meaning units for nature of experience Feeling presence of husband holding her hand during the night. Felt his vibrations, his energy, his hand. Way of holding hand familiar – electric shock up arm at point of touch, felt the energy and the electricity. Did not see him, just knew it was him.

In home, locked front door opened, children’s doors opened, dog’s tail wagged, indicating a presence. Sense of ‘dead’ husband checking on everybody and saying he was there. Presence recognised by smell of roses and familiar ‘signature’ tune playing in head. Heard door open, felt body beside her, solid form of spirit experienced. Saw husband looking as a younger man Held hands, talked, had fun, hugged. Mind to mind communication of familiar words. Fantastic, surprising, no words for experience. Showed power of love had not changed. Husband communicated he was being called away and had to go. Sat on end of bed and just went, disappeared.

Meaning units for after effects Great sense of peace. Knows those who have passed on are not dead and can still communicate. Ongoing comfort of remembering his coming on night he ‘died’.

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Urge to find herself and her own purpose. Choice to develop psychic and spiritual gifts. Wanted to help people using her gifts. Learning of spirit and psychic gifts, channelling experiences, through spiritual teacher and group. Acceptance of gifts, of self. Worked within Spiritualist Church as medium. Importance of unconditional love in using spiritual/psychic capacity. Openness to, and experience of, being guided by spirits through thoughts and knowledge coming into mind. Knows death is a ‘rebirth’ because come from spirit world. Clairvoyance developed after husband’s ‘solid’ visit.

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Chapter Five The Participants’ Stories: Parents

Eight participants, seven women and one man, reported experiences of contact with a parent. For two of the group the ADC experience was with a father. For the others it was with a mother. Linda and Laura’s parents had died less than five years prior to the first interview. For Judy it had been seven years since her mother died. For Carla, Jan, Gillian, Joan and Barry it had been more than ten years since the death of their parent.

Linda Linda is in her early forties and is a busy wife, mother and consultant with her own business. With her husband and two young children she now lives on a property outside a large country town. She lived on a farm as a child with her parents and a sister four years younger. She describes her childhood as fairly idyllic, but probably a little bit lonely, because we were way out in the country. I had my sister and she was the only reliable playmate, so not a lot of mixing with other children. Often (there were) times alone. But generally, very happy, very free.

Linda had two powerful experiences of her father’s presence, the first one at the time of his death and a second one three years later when she saw her father standing at her office door. She also experiences his presence around the home at times, as have her children and husband. When he died they had not been getting on so well for some time. ‘We had spent a long time being annoyed with each other for various reasons and the night that he died, I wasn’t able to be there.’ Yet there had always been a real bond between them.

Her father had had a cerebral hemorrhage and had been in hospital on life-support for eight days. Her mother and sister were with him and it had come to the time when they knew the life support should soon be turned off.

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I was at [my home], and was desperately upset because we knew it would be that night or the next day. It was about 3.00am. There was a point that all of a sudden from being distraught, the most amazing feeling of light and calmness and warmth and wellbeing came– it was the loveliest feeling I have ever experienced. If you could find a drug that did that you would make a fortune – it was just incredible and it lasted for about 3 minutes and it was truly beautiful. It was one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever had and it was exactly the moment that he died. It was the time when the last breath happened and the heart stopped. It was amazing. Truly glorious.

My husband observed it. And said he wished he had (the same experience). It looked wonderful. I really had been crying because we had been talking, reminiscing, and I remember the big box of tissues on the bed. He said that my breathing slowed and that I just looked relaxed. Totally relaxed. My face, which was stressed, just relaxed, the breathing became slower and more even and deeper and it was almost trance like.

What was so significant for Linda was that she knew her father had been struggling a lot, and although there was always a connection between them they had not been getting on well. This experience of happiness, which she received, was all the more remarkable. At the point when he died he was truly happy because he had been in a lot of pain. For years before, it had been pretty horrible. He had been ill and in a lot of pain from back injuries and bad knees. He had made a couple of poor investment decisions that he felt really horribly guilty about. He was carrying a huge burden about and life had just been pretty horrible the last few years. I got the sense at that point that all of a sudden it was good again. That it was going to be from this point on. It was a proven sense of release… He was a very strong character, overwhelmingly generous. He was always hiring the loser who needed a break, which meant we got ripped off very seriously over the years. He was a visionary, he had wonderful ideas, often ahead of his time. I got the sense right throughout his life and I have it even more strongly now that he wasn’t ever able to be the real person that he actually was.

Linda understood the feelings she had in the context of her father’s life and struggle. It was as though she really understood what had been happening for him

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and worrying him prior to his cerebral hemorrhage and now he was somehow able to share this moment of such momentous change, that the ‘crisis’ had happened and all was well. She did not need to be distraught on his behalf or her own any more. The memory of ‘calmness and warmth and well-being’ accompanied her during the time after his death.

Her second experience of her father’s presence, and for her the most significant, happened three years later when she was sitting in her office on an ordinary day in the week, not thinking about anything in particular other than her work.. The day that I saw dad I was sitting in my office – it was probably about eight months ago (three years after he died) and I looked up, I heard the door creak – looked up and there he was. He was just standing in the doorway. He had come to say hello. He had just dropped in. How I know this, I don’t know. But he was there, he was relaxed. He was standing up straighter than I knew him in the last twenty years. He looked about ten years younger. He was happy. He was wearing beige trousers, a blue short-sleeved shirt with very fine check, no tie and a pinkish colored jumper around his shoulders. Dark brown, not very highly polished, dark brown leather shoes. He looked better dressed than he often did. He looked slimmer. He looked younger. He looked generally more together completely. Very much happier in his own skin than I knew him for the last twenty years or so.

He had just come to say Hi. He told me, not in the words, but I just knew. He said, ‘Hi, just dropped in to say Hi. How are you? You look good. I’m fine. In fact, I’m really great. I’m happy. Everything’s wonderful.’ That for me was a really weird experience because it didn’t even factor. I looked up, I communicated and I went back to work and it was about five minutes later that I went – ‘Did that actually happen? Oh my goodness. This is all a bit strange’… It was so entirely normal at the time that it hardly registered. It was just extraordinary. But again, the feeling of positiveness that everything with him seems so good. It was just great. It was really wonderful.

This was a very complete experience of presence. Linda’ description of her father’s appearance suggests that she is a person who pays great attention to detail and there is no doubt in her mind about the accuracy of her description. It is as

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though it is firmly and indelibly imprinted on her mind. What was ‘really weird’ for her about the experience was that she looked up, communicated and then went back to work. The contrast between having the experience which seemed so ‘normal’ it hardly registered, and then the after-shock when she realised what an incredible thing had just happened was marked.

This totally surprising seeing of her father, actually seeing him standing in front of her made a big difference. It boosted her confidence and gave her a sense that it was okay to trust in the feeling that she had been having ‘that he was almost like an intangible support network.’ She had been feeling that for a while and her experience confirmed it. He was there as he had always been in my life, never verbally stated, but always understood between the two of us, that he was a support there if ever I needed it. I got the sense when I saw him that day that that hadn’t disappeared. In fact, it was probably stronger than when he was alive and in fact the sense of support I feel from him now is far stronger than in the last years of his life.

Some time after the experience Linda, who had been noticing her psychic capacities were growing, decided to talk to a clairvoyant person about her own life journey. The experience was enlightening for her personally but then also became evidential. She was not expecting to hear from her father but when she did there was another ‘huge boost’ of confidence. The confidence of knowing her father really was still there for her grew stronger. I had a session with her that seemed to go on for a long time. The funny thing was that there was a fellow trying to come through. First of all he gave me a birth date and she (the clairvoyant) was saying – ‘Now somebody has a birthday in June. It seems to be a proof thing, that you know someone who is important to you who has a birthday in June.’ I said ‘No.’ She said, ‘All right if you can’t get it then we’ll leave it.’ She then said, ‘Hang on he’s coming through again. Something to do with an old car. Do you know of anybody who has an old car.’ ‘I have a friend, it could be Bill’. She said, ‘No, no it’s not.’ I said, ‘The only other old car I can think of is Dad’s car that was sold a few years ago.’ She said, ‘What does your Dad drive now.’ I said, ‘He died and that’s why it was sold.’ ‘Bingo,’ he’s saying, ‘Hallelujah, she’s finally got it,

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it’s me.’ So he came through then and communicated an amazing amount of stuff. Things like – he loves the house that we’re in now which we finished three years ago. We started it after he died.

Linda continues to feel very connected to her father, and often feels his presence around their home. It comes and goes. The children, who she believes are also quite psychic, especially her son, often speak about grandpa being around. What then have been the ongoing effects of these visits from her father and how has she made sense of them for her own life? Talking to Linda four years after her father died there is a sense of a vibrant and yet peaceful woman who enjoys her life and is open to the future. Because of her experiences with her father she says she has become more confident about her life, its direction, and how she is living it. Although she had always experienced her father’s support she now senses it even more strongly. Seeing Dad boosted my confidence in some strange way. There had been a huge element of self-doubt, am I doing the right thing by everybody, I started to feel a lot more confident after that, that I was in fact on the right track.

She has started to look at life differently. There is a new meaning to her life and a new way of being in the world because it is a much bigger world, it includes the world that her father now inhabits and others who have communicated with her. ‘Life is much broader, whether you include after death as part of life which I am inclined to do now.’ She sees that she has changed remarkably in her way of looking at the unfolding journey of her life. She responds to life as it unfolds now rather than trying to totally control it by knowing and planning what will happen in the future. There is no longer a certain set path to be followed. She is a busy person working with people in her consulting business and caring for her family and knows where she is heading at this point in time. The new perspective is that she now accepts that things can totally change and ‘that won’t be the disaster which once it would have been.’ There is now a known ‘place’ from which a larger care and support can come. How it happens is not known only that it has and does.

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She has become more psychic and is aware that her contacts with a spirit world have increased since her experiences with her father. She had experiences earlier in her life of knowing and sensing things and not knowing how she knew. This led to questioning and wondering about their credibility but now she receives them with more confidence. As she has become more psychically attuned she has opened her mind to new understandings of herself. She now sees herself as different to who she thought she was, as more complex now. She accepts this growing psychic capacity as both real and beneficial. She sees more widely and inhabits a larger world. In the country town in which she bought an old house to renovate for an office she has had a number of experiences with a former inhabitant who is now in the spirit world. She is pleased at how she has been able to communicate with this spirit and has even enjoyed it. She says, ‘accepting the fact that this communication can happen has broadened my confidence and my view of myself as a complex, positive, capable person.’

Many fears have gone. Even the primitive fear of walking outside on a dark night. She sometimes checks if there are spirits around and there is absolutely no one. ‘Or else I am just not receptive. And there are other times when they are around. The spirit world is of very individual entities,’ in her experience. She has received communications that have enabled her to help others or to understand their situations better. One was from a friend who had died of cancer about twelve months previously. This was a mind to mind contact. I didn’t see him. It was a verbal one or a knowledge one. He was giving me messages that didn’t make any sense and I talked to his wife just sounding her out about things that seemed to be known by him. And she was able to put them all into context. Things that I didn’t know about made sense to her. And he was saying how happy he is. Just how he was, how wonderfully, he was this energetic, positive person, this huge sense of powerful energy and happiness. I was skipping for hours afterwards. Incredible fantastic feeling.

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She sees herself as more tolerant now, particularly around religious beliefs. Although her mother was Anglican, and her father an atheist, she always felt removed from religion. Any form of religious education was ‘sadly lacking.’ If she woke early enough she would be on her horse and gone before her mother left for church on Sunday. Religion has a different focus and seems a more possible thing for her now. She can understand better and is more tolerant towards people for whom religion is very important. ‘It may well be that they get from their religious beliefs some of the comfort that I get through some of these experiences.’

Death is no longer seen as the end. She thinks it will be ‘kind of like moving to another country.’ She doesn’t want to go there but knows she will have to one day and that will be perfectly fine and she will make the best of it. And ‘my father coming has made a difference, it has made me realise it will be fine.’ She has developed a new sense of time. Her perceptions have changed. Where previously she saw herself as belonging to the ‘now’ generation, wanting to have ‘it’ now whatever it was, she sees a longer time-line, and can wait for things to happen in their own time. With this new sense of maturity and experience she looks at her life and death also with a longer view, ‘it will just grow and happen. It’s a bit like gardening, a lot of it is beyond our control.’

She has mixed with people who seemed to make a God of material wealth and possessions. They moved to the country to get away from this way of thinking and now, following her experiences with her father, she feels even more strongly how unsatisfying this way of living was for her and her family. Connections with others have become of the greatest importance. In this new broader world which her experiences with her father have illumined she sees that connectedness here with others or with those who are on the other side of death are what really matters. She is still not sure about how to understand who or what is God for herself.

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‘What is more important than anything else is interaction between people, the value of people, the knowledge of others, the love and the sharing, the sense of community.’ This is where her spiritual journey is taking her. She recognises that this connectedness is already in her children and sees now how her husband is also becoming more atttuned to and connected with this larger world-view. All that has happened to her has helped him too, to accept this world she has been learning to live in. They are both experiencing and enjoying a larger life.

Meaning units for nature of the experience At moment of father’s death, at a distance. Sudden move from distraught to calmness, warmth and well-being. State of total relaxation, breathing slower, trance like. Loveliest feeling ever experienced. Knew it was father and that he was truly happy.

Heard door creak. Looked up to see father, looking solid standing in doorway, ‘here to say hello’ mind to mind. Looked relaxed, happy, younger, better dressed. Mentally communicated. Positiveness and ‘everything so good’ from father. Feeling of ‘perfectly normal’ at the time. Registered with shock ‘weird experience’, five minutes later. Sense of strange, did it really happen? Contrast between experience and after shock.

Meaning units for after effects More self-confident. Lost many fears about life, change, and ordinary ones like dark of night. Ongoing intangible support from her father. Confident about how is living life and its direction, the work she is doing. Less need to be in control, more trusting of life’s unfolding. Change is not a disaster Psychic capacity is growing and she is more trusting of it More tolerant of others and of their religious beliefs. Death is not to be feared, like moving to another country. Not yet though. Able to live and let things happen in their own time. More patient with her life Materialism and pursuit of ‘things’ now not satisfying. The importance of connection with others. World is interconnected. Knowledge of others, love and sharing, a sense of community, are now most highly valued. This is her spiritual journey into the future. Still not sure about how to understand who or what is God. ‘The jury is still out.’

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Laura Laura is in her late forties with three teenage children. She shared three experiences of her mother’s presence after she died suddenly of a heart attack. She describes herself as a lonely only child growing up. She had a difficult relationship with her mother and her parents moved around from place to place. Her mother was from Scotland, beautiful and intelligent, a redhead, with a strong ‘Penelope Keith’ type personality, who struggled with her life circumstances. Laura attributed much of her mother’s struggle to her missing her family in Scotland, and being very lonely. She bottled up her feelings, especially angry feelings, and towards the end of her life suffered a chronic illness and was very unhappy. She was not able to accept her daughter’s decision to divorce. They were not getting on well at the time of her death.

The day her mother died was a day of great trauma for the family. Laura had returned from an outing and was collecting her son from her parents’ home. As she came into the house she heard her mother knocking on the wall of the bedroom where she had been for some hours in intense pain. She was rushed to the hospital where she died soon after. It was a terrible time for Laura, and for her father. They were very distressed about the pain she had endured on her own in her last hours, unknown to them.

The suddenness of the loss spiralled Laura into a deep grief made harder because of all that was unsaid and unfinished in their relationship. She returned to work but was feeling very isolated in her grief. One afternoon she was doing stocktaking in the supermarket, some of the old songs her mother loved were playing, when she suddenly became aware of her mother’s presence. The first sign that I had that she was with me was actually a week after her death because I had to go back to work. … The music that was playing was songs that were actually played during the war – songs that I could remember my mother singing. And I was moved terribly to hear them… I didn’t want memories to surface and I was trying to choke back tears. I really did feel a very

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pronounced sensation of something, perhaps a finger being run down my cheek and it was very, very definite.

This was a mysterious and powerful experience, her mother was with her and was seeking to comfort her in the midst of her loneliness and grief and troubled feelings. It was her mother saying, ‘I am here.’ A few days later, still thinking about the totally unexpected comfort of her mother’s touch, and still struggling with her feelings, Laura knew she needed some help. She walked over to a bookshop after she had dropped her daughter at a dancing class. She was amazed to find a book that seemed to have been put there just for her. I went into a bookshop …and out the front there was a table full of books on special. Right at the top there was a book with a series of recorded interviews from an ABC program about after-death experiences. People being interviewed …experiences of relatives returning. What this said (to me) was there is always help out there. …I was guided to that book that day.

It helped Laura to understand the experience of her mother’s presence and to gain a sense of where her mother was. She was comforted but the weeks that followed were filled with grief and Laura still felt troubled about their unfinished relationship. A few months had passed when to her amazement, Laura again experienced her mother’s presence. The second time when I actually saw her was several months later. On that occasion I was actually sitting on the lounge and I sort of dozed off and quite suddenly I awoke and I glanced across the room and there she was smiling in a photograph which actually only had pictures of my children. They weren’t to be seen at that time in the photograph, but my mother’s face quite clearly was. That was very definite once again. And she had such a gentle smile on her face and she was looking straight at me, and to me it just seemed that she was there. Definitely.

Her feeling in that moment was a feeling of ‘peace.’ Laura wanted to know more. She wanted to make contact with her mother. There was a deep longing to be in touch with her again. She decided to visit a clairvoyant and found it a wonderfully comforting experience.

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My mother could write the most wonderful verse. … I went to see a clairvoyant, about three months after she passed away. I asked her if she could give me any message from my mother and she began speaking in verse, quite quickly, and I began to write it, but the tears came so freely that I just couldn’t (write). I wanted to know if my mother was happy and she – through (the clairvoyant) - said that she was very happy where she was and she said, ‘Its lovely here.’ She said, ‘Whatever it is you want to wear, you’ll find that it’s already on you.’ My mother loved to look nice and it was very much in character with how my mother thought about her life. … It was important for me to know that she was content and happy. This she was. Because she had been very unhappy when she passed away.

Laura had no doubt it was her mother in each of the experiences and found great comfort and a settling of the anguish with the confirmation she received from them. Her father’s experiences added to the sense of relief she felt. He shared them with me after I had talked with Laura. Five years earlier he had been sitting watching TV one evening, relaxing and dozing, and suddenly awoke and looked across and saw his wife sitting in her chair, smiling a very gentle smile, looking completely real. No words were spoken. Then she seemed to get up and walk towards the bedroom door and disappeared. I can see her now as she was when she appeared to me. She was gorgeous. She was about thirty-five. She was seventy (when she died). I told this to another lady and she said that’s how they appear. They appear as they were in the prime of life. Isn’t that strange? I wish I could explain more to you, but I’m just an ordinary building trade fellow and it’s beyond me. What I am telling you is something that is absolutely true, absolutely my experience. It was the most wonderful - at that particular time because I needed it - it was the most wonderful thing that could have happened to me. I never disbelieve now, well, I didn’t before. It takes a great deal to try and understand it. Because it’s beyond us. It means there’s a life after death. I never doubt that now. Don’t doubt that for a moment. I’m not afraid of anything. I’m not implying I’m a good fellow, I’m just an ordinary bloke.

He had grieved deeply and been very depressed and missing her. Their relationship had been a difficult one. This had been a reconciling moment that he would never have believed could happen. He now feels at peace and can live

156 these years knowing that she is still around. He feels her presence sometimes in the house with him - and knows when she is not there too.

These experiences meant a great deal to Laura, especially that her father had also experienced her mother. Although Laura has three children who were very close to their grandmother they, as far as she knows, had no similar experience. She believes these experiences with her mother happened because the two people that she felt she needed to make peace with … were my father and myself, because there were bad feelings there, whereas there never were with the children, there was just love.

Laura had to find her own peace. Choosing to visit the clairvoyant helped her to deepen the peace she received from her mother’s visits. She believes these visits to them helped her mother find her peace. All the messages she and her father received, seemed to point out ‘that there was peace and happiness where she was.’ She wanted us to know that and she was making her own peace herself. That has been enormously comforting to us.

Laura decided to make some changes in her life, particularly because of her experience in the supermarket. ‘I seemed to be with people (in the supermarket) who would not have understood if I had attempted to tell them the sensation I had felt. I needed to go on and do something more meaningful.’ So, she trained to work in a nursing home and now works in the dementia unit. It is very important to her that those she cares for die well and are not alone. ‘I think we should have someone with us when we die, even if we are in a coma.’ One of the most significant effects of her mother’s visits has been her change of attitude to death. She now works with those who are drawing near to death and has no fear for them or for herself about facing death. ‘The experiences have taken away any fear about my own mortality. My biggest fear, rather than death, is how will I go.’

In her work with the aged she brings much care and compassion, and some frustration about patients being kept alive unnecessarily.

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As they die I wish them well. I believe they have gone to a better place. There are so many areas in which the medical profession keep us alive when God or Mother Nature has called. I think it’s like a setting free of the spirit. … I get very distressed at work when I see extreme grief because our society and our religion should prepare us for people’s passing.

These experiences over time have given Laura a knowing of spirits and an afterlife. At the nursing home she finds others who often speak of experiencing the presence of those who have died. This inner knowing which has grown with her experiences with her mother and with the dying says to her that there is a lot more happening around us than we ever, ever care to look at. I have peace of mind about that. I believe there is a spirit world out there that we choose to ignore or are perhaps too frightened.

Now, five years later, Laura sees how much she has grown and how much more she understands herself. It’s been ‘like a growing up … sometimes we are given opportunities in life and if we are not open to them we will remain where we are.’ She had not talked about her mother and her experiences, they were still too emotionally raw, until recently. A grief and loss course helped her, the facilitator listened to her as she talked about all she had been holding onto. She sees how important it is to take personal responsibility for her life and not to blame anyone else, and to find peace. I perhaps miss her more now than I did when she went. (At the time) she was very, very unhappy, her heart attack was so awful, when she went I knew nothing but relief for her. I just needed to find my own peace. You have to find it yourself. My mother showed herself to my father and I saw her in the picture. I know that she was there and she spoke to me through the clairvoyant. I am very grateful… So we made peace.

Laura is reassured and deeply comforted that her mother is happy now. She sees a lot of death and finds it a comfort and a relief when she sees the aged in her care passing on. She feels very sure they are going to peace, to their own heaven. She learnt this from her mother’s death.

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A deeply reflective person, her own spiritual journey has deepened and strengthened because of her experiences over the last five years. Through reading and thinking she has searched for greater understanding of her life and spirituality. She believes we are all seeking God whether we are Muslim or Buddhist or whatever we are. She sees that any indigenous race has a degree of knowledge of spirits or an after-life but ‘we find it harder to accept in our civilised society.’ She now trusts her intuition, her own inner knowings. This knowing about her mother, about an afterlife, and about a spirit world is within her.

Meaning units for nature of the experience Came at a time of grief and troubled feelings about her mother. Physical sensation on cheek, associated with music mother loved and sang. Unexpected, intrudes into feelings of distress.

Change from ‘dozing’ to alert at beginning of picture experience. Drawn to look at framed picture of children - mother’s face filled the frame. Mother in picture experienced as a living presence looking straight at her. Mother experienced as smiling and happy. Experience of peace and delight immediate, experience very short, only allowed a glimpse. Events suggest ongoing concern for daughter, desire to make contact. Event creates desire for more contact.

Meaning units for after effects Enormous comfort, lessening of anguish. Relief that mother’s unhappiness gone – realisation of peace and happiness where she was. Recognition of being with people who could not accept or understand her experience led to need to find like-minded people who could understand. Decision to do something more meaningful with her life. Trained to work with elderly and dying and dementia. Life and how to live it no longer the same – what you do is more significant now. Call to be with dying – help them die well and not be alone Change of attitude to death, no fear, a going to a better place, a setting free of the spirit. Recognition society and religion should prepare people better for death. Belief in a spirit world – at peace about presence of spirits in daily circumstances like work. A growing-up experience – about taking responsibility, letting go of blame. Unable to be talked about until grief and loss course provided an accepting ear.

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At peace with mother and misses her more now. Gratitude for her experiences . Conviction that aged go to their heaven at death. Growth in her own spirituality and God-seeking. Reads, thinks, reflects more. Appreciation of indigenous peoples’ belief in spirits. Awareness of lack of belief in ‘civilised society’. Trust in her own intuitions and inner knowings.

Judy Judy is in her fifties, married with three grown-up children. Seven years ago her mother died after being in hospital for some time. She was seventy-four. After her mother’s death she had several experiences of her mother’s presence. The first one occurred the night before her funeral and was followed by a significant dream about six weeks later. A second dream occurred a few years later.

Judy grew up in a strongly Baptist family. Her parents worked very hard on their farm. When her father died quite young her mother carried it alone with the help of the children. Judy, one of seven children had always felt like ‘the odd one out.’ She describes herself as ultra sensitive and difficult, a loner, ‘I was never a child, ’ and always wanting to do her own thing. They had all had a difficult upbringing, they all had to work terribly hard on the farm and often felt abandoned by their mother. Judy also contracted polio. She and her mother were closer in the last years but their relationship had never been very easy.

As a child Judy had psychic experiences. When she was in her thirties they began again around a time of great trauma. Her eldest son began taking drugs and then became mentally very ill with schizophrenia. Life became tragic, chaotic and very painful. She used to feel presences in her room. At first they felt alarming. She joined a spiritual group to try to understand them and began to pray and practise meditation. She started to realise that ‘maybe these presences meant someone was trying to help me.’

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In order to cope with her life during that time she decided she would have to transform herself in some way, she would have to develop the spiritual side of herself. With the help of a wonderful teacher she began a lot of inner work and as she did, she began to have experiences that became more and more profound. She began to have dreams where spiritual figures would come. She also began having more psychic experiences. She realised when her son became ill ‘there was something far greater I could draw on.’ A practising artist, Judy also gave workshops and taught artwork, and studied and cared for her family. Her brothers and sisters were not totally comfortable with what she believed and she does not have much contact with them still. Her husband too found it difficult. So when her mother died and she had experiences of her mother she was not able to share them.

The first experience happened the night before the funeral. Judy was lying in bed hoping that when she went to sleep she would have a dream and some connection with her mother. She wondered if people have experiences because they want them. I was lying there and I must have just – you know when you first doze off and you are just getting into that very sleepy state and I heard this voice. I said, ‘Oh Mum is that you?’ And she said, ‘Yes darling I am right here.’ I thought, ‘Where’s here?’ And then I had a tremendous pressure on my chest and it was almost like I had swallowed something. I have never had that before. I thought, ‘Oh my God, what was that?’ And I thought, ‘I hope I haven’t swallowed her.’ It was the weirdest feeling.

For Judy the experience was mysterious and somewhat eerie. ‘It was like somebody was sitting on me’ and then this strange feeling of almost like swallowing. ‘It was just momentary but so powerful, so strong.’ It was a never- to-be-forgotten sense of her mother. Her mother was a woman of great physical energy who worked physically hard all her life. ‘Her energy levels were incredible. Amazing. She had more energy than all of us put together’. It was as though that energy were still present.

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The next day, going to the funeral, Judy was somewhat apprehensive and did not tell her family about the experience. At the funeral she felt instead a sense of calmness. ‘There was a calmness there, I can’t explain it, a tremendous sense of calmness.’ About six weeks later she had a second experience and ‘this one was far more powerful,’ and it came in a dream. It was around 3.00 am…First of all I saw her. She was looking very well. She was dressed in a dressing gown I recognised. She wasn’t limping. She was very well and very vital. She looked radiant. I said, ‘Oh, you’ve found something to do?’ She said, ‘Yes, of course. That’s why we’re here.’ She looked like she was working in a hospital. I stupidly said to her, ‘Well, why am I here?’ She turned into this really very powerful, I can only describe it as a – when I think about it – it was like a very powerful angel. Like an angelic figure. Very powerful. She had very, very dark brown eyes. Across these really powerful brown eyes were months – September, October. Didn’t say what year. Just said September, October.

She said at the same time – there was no speaking – it was like a thought transmission, ‘You’re here to help people who have a drinking problem.’ I think, ‘I don’t want to hear that. I want you to tell me something wonderful.’ And of course with that I woke up. I got such a fright. I thought ‘I don’t want to be here to help people who have got a drinking problem.’ What the dates meant I have never known. This figure was very, very powerful. It was the most powerful figure I have seen. It went from my mother’s humble dressing-gown to this really powerful figure, it wasn’t male or female.

The figure still carries enormous energy for Judy. It was because of the eyes and the sudden change from her mother’s humble dressing gown to this powerful angel. Was it her mother or was it like some entity using her appearance to get through to me she wondered. Was it an archetypal figure of herself? She does not know how to interpret the experience. She has tried to think about it from every angle. Why did her mother transform into this figure, why did she put the message there, what was it trying to tell her?

Judy’s reaction was very strong. She found the experience frightening and shocking and, in a sense, devastating. She knew she did not want to be here to

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help people who have a drinking problem. Yet as she thought about it, she realised that her husband had a drinking problem, and her eldest son, her daughter-in-law, her daughter-in-law’s mother all had a drinking problem. On doing some research into her family she found there has been this ‘big line of alcoholics on both sides of the family.’ She also realised with some amazement that in her art and psychology workshops, there were many who did have drinking problems.

The dream confirmed a lot of things she had read in Theosophy and Jung. The powerful angel felt like an archetypal presence. ‘It also confirmed that we don’t know what happens after death – they could be fulfilling a whole other life somewhere else.’ It gave her a great reassurance about her mother and her mother’s happiness in her new life. I was happy for her because she was so radiant and full of this loving spirit. I thought this is all the stuff she believed in. It really happens. She was a very religious woman. She very much believed she would end up in a very fulfilling place with her Jesus. I think that’s where she ended up. She looked like she was really doing what she wanted to do.

Judy did not feel the same sense of grief and mourning for what had not been resolved in her relationship as her sisters. Loss of mother wasn’t as great for me because as far as I was concerned she had gone on to better things. My sisters were still grieving because they hadn’t reconciled so many things with (our) mother. …I was thinking, ... she is safe and she is happy so my thoughts of my mother are totally different to my sisters and I couldn’t share it with them because they would have thought she is really off her tree now. So it was a wonderful experience that confirmed all the things I believed in and she believed in.

It gave her a greater awareness of the participants in her workshops. ‘So many people who do end up in your groups somewhere have had an alcohol problem.’ She realised her mother had been telling her something about her purpose. She began studying homeopathy as well and discovering its power to heal. A few

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years later Judy had another very significant dream. In both dreams she was aware of her mother’s energetic spirit. My mother was working in this garden and was just staring at me. It was like she was trying to say something – there were no words and she had my sister as a little girl (with her). She was just working away at these herbs and looking at me, and I thought, I wonder why she is working with herbs. I thought, why is she staring at me, why doesn’t she say something. She was very industrious and it was definitely a herb garden.

The second dream about the herb garden was also connected to her life purpose but she did not understand at the time what it meant. Although she had already started studying homeopathy she had not made a connection with the dream. Sometime later she realised the dream confirmed what part of her ‘has always known.’ The business about the herb garden …part of me has always known where I was going whereas the lower mind was always struggling to get there. … I’d had doubts (about the course). I thought, am I kidding myself? Is this what I’m supposed to be doing. After that (the dream) I thought, maybe she is really trying to tell me something. She was showing me, and the majority of homeopathy is herbs… I know where I am going now. I know I’m headed in the right direction around my life’s purpose. I graduated in July, and was sitting in my (own) centre a month later.

Judy had a strong sense that ‘there’s more at work than me here’ as she began her new venture. The sense of blessing in her life is very strong. ‘I feel blessed. I just feel very blessed. I feel very blessed.’ And there is an enthusiasm and hope about what she can do in the new centre. ‘Now I can do art classes there as well. People are so highly creative and they don’t know it and to bring that out, it’s wonderful.’

She has a strong sense of her spiritual journey. Over her life she has had powerful spiritual experiences. And she has found much confirmation in the experiences of her mother. ‘I’m probably more confident with what I can cope with now.’ She believes that so much happens at another level that we don’t know about. And

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now she feels a great sense that her life’s purpose is opening up more and more. The whole quality of her life is ‘far more balanced now’ and happy. I’m really blessed at this stage of my life. Where some women are winding down and wondering what to do I’m gearing up and embracing this whole new life as though it was always meant to be. …The spiritual path or the spiritual life is just such a wonderful thing. And to be without it, I couldn’t imagine.

She sees homeopathy as very much part of her spiritual path and acknowledges what a blessing it is to be able to be effective in what she is doing and to have received such confirmation through her mother. She is also grateful that homeopathy has helped her son. She says she has grown to realise what love really means, and the role of the mother, ‘mine and my mother’s – and how amazing she was.’ She believes her mother’s coming back was about unfinished business. ‘We hadn’t been close. I think she was connecting with me because we hadn’t been close. I had been difficult.’ And now she feels she has this connection with her mother. It has transformed her thinking. She realises that death is just a ‘transference of consciousness, physical death, there’s no such thing really, the connection’s always there.’

Her experiences with her mother have increased her confidence in her own understanding of life and journey and where it is all leading. Her mother has helped her in ways that she never was able to experience as a child. ‘I don’t hold back now in communicating what I know and can share (about my experiences). More so since my mother’s passing. If opportunity and moment are right.’

She wonders if her difficult upbringing and her feeling that she was different, ‘the dark horse or the odd one out’ in the family have contributed to the experiences she has had. ‘I was never a child, I don’t think. And very much a loner. All the others fell into line.’ She wonders if others who have these experiences have had difficult childhoods. The experiences with her mother have helped her realise there is another aspect of consciousness. For her, these psychic experiences,

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don’t necessarily help you develop the spiritual life. ‘They are a reminder that it’s real.’ She believes it is time people came out of the closet with their experiences. People are told it is a hallucination or they don’t understand it in the proper sense. I think there’s a lot of people out there. These things are very sacred experiences to me. You don’t share them with everyone because they are meant only for you. Most people feel that way.

She believes now we are a ‘universal brotherhood and everything we do affects everyone else’ and it happens from moment to moment. ‘We are part of this unified field.’ Her many experiences have shown her that ‘the real essence of life is love.’ Her experiences of her mother’s love and direction, and her own experiences as a mother, a teacher and a counsellor, her art work and homeopathy, have taught her that love is the only thing ‘that will cure, will keep people nourished, keep them going.’

Meaning units for nature of the experience Immediacy of mother’s presence. Able to communicate – words and mind to mind. Tremendous pressure on chest. Powerful, frightening, startling, weird. Sense of something inside her body- swallowed. After shock. Calmness next day at funeral – seemed related to night before.

Awareness of dream. A clear seeing of her mother in recognisable dressing gown. Mother seen as radiant and loving, without prior physical limitations. Able to communicate and recognise mother’s occupation. Gained knowledge of mother, and the afterlife, and about herself. Confirmatory experience of mother – characteristic, productive and purposeful. Experience of change in mother – shock, overwhelming, powerful, mysterious. Archetypal angelic powerful figure communicated with her – eyes central. Devastating, shocking, unwanted knowledge, received. After shock. Awareness of dream – clear and vivid. Mother present and working and trying to communicate – no words. Difficulty in receiving message. Centrality of herbs and herb garden.

Meaning units for after effects Power of archetypal figure still resonates and continues to carry mystery.

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Integrated message about drinking problems in family with reality. Researched family and found history of alcohol problems. Confirmed her study of Jung and Theosophy – archetypal presence. Reassurance about mother, her happiness, lovingness, radiance, energy. Confirmed that her mother’s faith had been fulfilled. Loss and grief alleviated by first dream experience. Greater awareness and attention to workshop participants. Feels very blessed. Powers greater than herself at work in her life confirmed by second dream. Confirmation and confidence about her own spiritual journey and future work. Confirmation she is making the right contribution in homeopathy. Realise more about love. Re-framed her sense of her mother as amazing and courageous. Unfinished business resolved. Connection with her mother across the boundary of death. Feels freer communicating her experiences if helpful to others. Reflective about whether difficult childhood contributed to having experiences. Believes it is time people come out about their experiences. Confirmed power of love. Everything we do affects everything else.

Carla Carla is a down to earth, religious sister who has worked in the field of education for most of her life. In her late forties, she found the shock of her mother’s sudden death unexpectedly painful. The weeks following were very difficult for her, with the grief and sense of loss and ongoing physical reactions, ‘these really bad pains in the stomach would come and go.’ She didn’t know about death, about what it would be like to lose her mother and to miss her so much. ‘No one tells you, no-one ever talked about death, we talk more now, but no one before that.’

Out of all the grief Carla remembers, she woke up one night from sleep, about six weeks after her mother died. I woke up and then I looked up and she was standing at the end of the bed. Now when I say she was standing, I knew it was her but it wasn’t in the form like I’m looking at you. It was like there was a light, a ray light around … she was just standing there smiling. And then she said, ‘Well you don’t have to worry, I’m quite happy

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and I’m safe.’ And I thought oh, OK, and I just looked, and I was happy too that she was. And she just stayed there for a while.

It is hard to find words that describe this extraordinary experience. ‘It was light, light and bright…I saw an outline of a person’s shape, close to the bed, just still, just still, she was still.’ It was almost as if time stood still for that meeting. The quality of stillness was significant. She knew it was her mother’s presence. She knew it was not a dream. And her mother was not just standing. She was smiling and Carla heard her words clearly in her mind. ‘Well, you don’t have to worry,’ her mother said, as though she knew Carla had been worried about her, and that Carla and her sister had talked at length about the last moments of her life. Just as she died we were actually talking to her and then all of a sudden, it was like she didn’t know what was happening, she had this look on her face and then she went …she died before our eyes. I think that haunted us for a while … we still talk about it because it was like something happened in her body and it all shut down. I don't know whether it was fear. We couldn’t work it out.

‘Well you don’t have to worry.’ It was so like her mother not wanting her to carry the burden of this concern. ‘I’m quite happy and I’m safe.’ The phrase ‘quite happy’ seemed to be a modified sort of happiness, yet in the context of their relationship it made perfect sense. It was a common phrase of her mother’s, it was a distinction word and characteristic of her. In fact it said it was truly her. It told Carla her mother was happy where she was.

On the suggestion of a friend she wrote a letter to her mother, which gave her a sense of relief and some closure. She said some of the things she wanted to say but had not had the chance. Because after that, she notes, life went on, ‘things started to pattern in.’ Some normality came back to her everyday experience. Even though she still missed her mother she was aware she missed her differently because she ‘knew she was okay.’

A striking feature of this startling visit in the middle of the night was that there was no fear. For Carla this said something about her mother, ‘To me goodness

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comes with absence of fear. I wasn’t frightened by her or anything. I wasn’t frightened by the whole sense of spiritual ...’ A remembering of the goodness of her mother was evoked in this experience. Carla speaks lovingly about her mother. My mother was beautiful. She was a quiet, unassuming, very determined lady. She reared her own family. Her own mother died in childbirth when she was fourteen. So she left school and reared the family, the youngest was three. She just took it all on and did it, you know. And what her brothers used to say was that she never made any judgement on them ... one of them ran away for five years and he came back and he said the first thing she said was, ‘Hello Johnny, would you like some scones?’ And then she said, ‘We missed you, you know.’ Also she always looked very attractive, kept herself nice. She had seven kids of her own, two were stillborn. She had a very strong faith and everybody loved her.

Carla was amazed by this vision of her mother at the end of the bed, ‘I mean, you don’t have that every day do you.’ She was also very touched, because ‘you don’t get that chance very often do you?’ After she’d gone, ‘I sort of felt a new peace so to speak and the pains didn’t come very much after that.’ She put it away for a while. ‘I didn’t think about it for a while.’ Also she was unable to talk about it. She tried to tell two of her sisters but they responded, ‘Don’t talk about the dead.’ It was unimaginable for them or perhaps they thought their sister was so affected by her grief she was talking about something which they could not find believable. Her youngest sister could accept it, ‘Yes, I believe it, I can feel her too.’ Carla believes it was ‘an assurance thing, a thing to say she was okay even though we’d seen her die, ... that wherever she was it was okay.’

It led her to reflect a lot on death, her death. ‘It was like how sudden everything is, how unpredictable and that when you’re gone, you’re gone.’ Her experience helped that part of her that has been afraid of death. ‘It’s probably made me a little bit more comfortable with death, but then again you still get that other streak of wonder.’ As it is going to happen to all of us in time she knows that ‘typical of a mother’, her mother is saying it (will be) okay when it does. This has

169 touched her deeply, that her mother is still being a mother to her, reassuring her that all will be well.

Two other experiences have happened to her since the one with her mother. Although it is the one with her mother that has affected her most powerfully, the two encounters eight and nine years later also deepened her reflections and understandings. The experience with her mother and the growth that happened afterwards, she thinks may also have contributed to her psychic capacity to receive these further visits from loved ones who had died.

Her nephew by marriage, at twenty-seven, experienced the end of a relationship, was very unhappy and took his own life. Carla was close to this nephew and had always kept in touch with him, as he lived quite close by, in a nearby country town. About two months after his death, which had been devastating for the family, Carla was asleep in bed one night when she woke up. She had a sense of someone or something, that there was something going on in the room. So I turned around and I looked over towards the doorway and for a minute or so I just wasn’t sure whether I was scared or what because something was going on. Then I looked over further, I didn’t see anything at first but there was a presence. So I said, ‘What is it or who is it?’ and then I saw the shape come. It wasn’t quite as bright as Mum but a lighter shape. For some reason I said, ‘Is that you Harry?’ He didn’t say anything at first. He just looked at me. So I said, ‘What do you want Harry?’ and he didn’t say anything again, so I said, ‘Did you want a prayer, did you want me to say a prayer for you or something?’ Still he was there and didn’t say anything.

Carla started to think to herself, is this real or am I imagining it or is it a ghost? At the same time she found herself saying, ‘All right Harry, if it’s you I’ll say a prayer, I don’t know what you want but I’ll say a prayer.’ She started to say the rosary and then fell asleep. She remembers waking up again, and straightaway she turned again to the doorway. This time the shape was clearer. It wasn’t as bright as her Mum’s but it was there. And I said ‘What did you want Harry?’ and he said, ‘I just wanted to tell you I’m alright.’

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In this second part of the experience Carla remembers she did not speak out loud as previously, she spoke the words in her mind, and heard the response in her mind. Then he said, ‘I’m alright, I’m happy and I’m safe.’ And then I said ‘Oh, okay’ again in my mind. And then I just lay there for a while and I didn’t feel frightened anymore and I didn’t feel I was imagining it. I felt it was real. I mean I felt I was in reality and I sort of felt peaceful for him.

Carla went back to sleep again. When she woke up she didn’t know how she felt. She sat up in bed with the thought, did it happen or didn’t it happen. ‘No, it was real.’ She found she had to face what had happened, and to acknowledge all the thoughts and feelings that were jostling inside her, because she was alone in the house there was no one to talk to about it. Fear and amazement were both present and she needed time to come to understand what had actually happened during the night. She spoke to herself. Now Carla you need to get up and you need to walk around the house and you need to make yourself a cup of tea. Because you need to distinguish what happened, how you feel about it, and whether it really has. If you don’t feel any fear you’ve got to get yourself up and walk through your house. So I did that and it was okay. There wasn’t any fear, it was more peace. So that was interesting.

As she reflected about it she thought it was Harry trying to tell the family that even though he had taken his own life, he was all right. ‘I felt honoured that Harry had come.’ And for Carla this experience together with her mother’s gave her a sense of how precious life is, and also a dimension of peace about death, as though the meaning of life and death had become clearer to her. As she commented, When you hear of somebody dying you’re really, really sad, but you feel they’ve served their purpose and now they’re somewhere –wherever it is. With all that the sense of having to let go, never see them again, never touch them again, that’s hard for us. The finality of it. It helps you pray more too. You hope that when

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your turn comes you’ll have whatever you need to go, or do, or whatever.

Carla’s third experience was of a friend who was a religious sister also. She died at eighty-five years of age. On the day she died she had just finished her lunch, had her sweets, which she always enjoyed, and said, ‘Okay I’m going now’ and just died. She had no fear. Carla had not got there in time to say goodbye, but came soon after and as she came into the room she said, ‘Oh Breda, I’m so sorry I didn’t get here.’ After the funeral she went to bed feeling very drained, and did not feel up to going to another mass for her the next day. She went to sleep, woke up during the night and once again just past the doorway, there she was. I knew straight away it was Breda. Once again it was the light thing but I just knew it was her. I couldn’t see the physical form but I knew it was her. I could see a shape, like a shape of light. The shape was light but there was definitely a figure shape if that makes sense. Then with my voice, I remember clearly, I said, ‘Is that you Breda?’ And she just said, ‘Yes, Carla.’

And then I think I must have gone to my mind because I said, ‘I don’t think I can go tomorrow, I don’t think I can go tomorrow.’ And she said, ‘You know it’s alright, I’m fine, I’m happy, I’m fine.’ And then she said, ‘Don’t worry you didn’t get there, its alright.’ And then my mind said, ‘Isn’t she good to come back.’ Then she just stayed for a while, not very long, then she went.

Carla felt really good after it, calm and peaceful. She also knew that she had whatever she needed, whether it was courage or what, to go to a mass being held for her the next day. The next morning, the phone rang in her car and one of the sisters asked her to speak on behalf of the congregation, to thank everybody. She was suddenly struck by the significance of her experience the night before and amazed, she smiled and said to Breda, ‘So that’s why you came back to give me a bit of courage to do this job.’ So she got up and she did it.

As she reflected on this third experience, she realised how pleased she was she came back. There had been some sort of expectation or trust on her part that she would. ‘If you trust enough it will come, whether it comes directly in a human

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form or what else it doesn’t matter. It comes.’ With Harry and his communication she was a bit more uncertain whether to trust it at the time. ‘Maybe because of the relationship, maybe because it was suicide, maybe because I was feeling other things, I don’t know.’

She reflects on why these three experiences happened to her. She wonders, is it because of a big fear of death in her because you haven’t been there yourself and ‘also you go through it solo and that’s what we’re destined to do anyway.’ Thinking back to the communications with each of them she says, ‘Their words were no fancy words, no messages, no Divine whatever and certainly, yes, reality.’ Each communication was characteristic of the person each one was. She wonders. What were they trying to do? Was it for her? Was it for assurance? Was it some kind of message they wanted passed on? Was it to give some kind of understanding? Should she share it? She sees they were all basically about reassurance, that that has been the ‘whole’ effect. She thinks maybe she should share her experiences because people have a big fear of death, they haven’t been there yet.

Talking to Carla thirteen years after her experience with her mother and only two and three years since her later experiences, each one is as clear to her now as it was then, and she sees how powerfully they have affected her life. Carla has come to terms with her own mortality. A sense of acceptance of the inevitability of death, not wanted, but when it comes an underlying hope now that all will be well. ‘I do walk with more assurance about death. When you hear of someone dying you’re really, really sad, but you feel they’ve served their purpose and now they’re somewhere – wherever it is.’

For her there is now an understanding because of Harry, ‘that you really shouldn’t judge any reason for anything or anyone and that God certainly doesn’t. At no time, no judgement, no nothing, wherever they go, wherever we go.’ When she

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goes to the place where she knew Harry there is a real peace, and it’s an okay feeling.

The extraordinary experience of her vision of her mother changed her way of being in the world. ‘I think I view life differently.’ She knows her mother’s life, brought into focus more sharply through the lens of her visionary experience, was generous and good. ‘I think Mum’s lessons were more powerful after she died.’ She now sees how important it is to treasure the moment. To be with someone and add new sparkle to their life is the gift of that moment. If we lose those moments then we lose part of life and life never repeats itself and its finality is in death. I think a lot about that and I think that makes a big difference to the things I do, and the way I interact with people.

Now there is a new sense of peace. And a realisation of how many ‘things’ you don’t need. It is more than twelve years since her mother died. ‘I find I’m thinking more about different things.’ Some of the old layers of habit and correctness have gone. She experiences a new freedom within herself. This letting go has meant, ‘I’m not what I was before, yet I must be something different because whatever’s happening is different. There’s a freedom. It’s like you are being smiled on.’ She is able to be more herself with others and to care for herself more also. ‘Now I try and see the whole picture and I just say or I just do.’ She recognises that people respond to her differently now. She is enjoying her work. ‘Life is more reflective for me now. It is freer and I believe, different, spiritually.’

She believes in Providence, that things happen for a purpose - to learn and grow. Her experiences have shown her how precious life is. Yet there is always a letting go in life. You get so far and then you have to let go. Our spirit is ever seeking to know and be enfolded …yet still pacing along on our human feet … remembering again and again our destiny is with God and our walking and pacing here on earth is always in his shadow and on his behalf.

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For Carla these experiences have led her to walk more freely, freer than she has ever been. There is a knowing and appreciating the preciousness of her life. At the same time ‘I think a lot more about death.’ The feelings of death’s surety keep touching me, mixed feelings of hope, fear, uncertainty, reality, certainty, and under it all – a ring, a circle of deeper peace. … I think of those I have known and loved and I pray for the peace to be ready. I keep asking God to help me to be. Though I may appear the same, one is never the same after being ‘touched’ by a few visits from those who have died and now rest in the circle of God’s love.

She believes that her parents will be there to greet her when she does make the transition from this life.

Meaning units for nature of the experience Unexpected, startling. Comes as coming out of sleep so relaxed frame of mind. Light present and person present within light as a figure or shape. Person recognisable but in a different way. A quality of stillness in the person, in the room, in the experience. No fear. Communication through voice, and through mind to mind. Sense of reality and unreality at the same time. Aware ‘dead’ person very much alive and aware of one’s prior words, thoughts. Experience of coming from unknown place and leaving this dimension to return. Realize relationship with person is ongoing–experience of care, reassurance. Experienced as qualitatively the same personality as before. Experience retains its clarity and detail in memory.

Meaning units for after effects Awareness death is – sudden, complete, final, unpredictable. Reassurance about death, alleviation of some of the fears of death. Acceptance of death’s inevitability – many contradictory feelings. More comfortable with death. Finality of it makes you more prayerful. Preciousness of life. Life has a purpose. Mother’s life and lessons more powerful after ‘seeing’ her after death. Things happen for a purpose – to grow and learn. Is a richer person because of experiences. Views life differently and interacts with people differently. Importance of each moment – to bring sparkle (life) to each other. Moments do not repeat so need to treasure each one as it comes.

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Should not judge others – believes God does not judge. Less desire for ‘things.’ Freer within self and to be oneself than she has ever been. Freer with others – less having to do the correct thing, fewer ‘shoulds.’ Cares for self more rather than always others. Aware ‘letting go’ is part of the life journey. Importance of ‘being’. Awareness of being ‘smiled upon’, treated differently by others. Aware she is not the same person because of her experiences. Death is going somewhere – God is central to this – still a mystery. Destiny is God. Her spirit always seeking to know and be enfolded. Wants to be ready when death comes – have what she needs. Confidence she will be with loved ones after death.

Jan Jan is a thoughtful and intelligent woman in her late forties, married, with a daughter just finishing her schooling. She grew up on a farm in England where she had much to cope with as a child. Her mother, a bright, intelligent woman and a good artist, became a chronic alcoholic when Jan was a small child. When she was eleven her mother was taken into care and for the next four or five years she had no contact with her. She was sent to boarding school. Her love for her mother was evident as she told the story of a difficult life. Her mother’s alcoholism continued when she left the institution and found a job, and finally after a number of years she had deteriorated so much she was admitted as a crisis patient in a nursing home. Jan’s visits, her lack of judgment of her mother and their relationship were part of all these years until she moved to Australia with her husband where she had two powerful and totally unexpected experiences.

It was eight years after coming to Australia and Jan was driving to work. She was driving down a very winding road, was running late, thinking, ‘I’m going to be late, I’m going to be late.’ As she came around a bend in the road for no apparent reason, I suddenly felt the presence of my mother in the car with me to the extent that I felt her touch me on the shoulder and her voice said to me, ‘Remember.’ As she said ‘Remember’ an image came into my head of when I was a little girl about five, on our farm in Sussex,

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and it was a late evening in summer. It was my mother coming in and she had in her hands two goslings, baby goslings, that had just hatched and she brought them in for me to look at. … It was such a multi-sensory experience – it was as though it was her touch, her voice, the time of day –the subtleness of late evening air, that sort of twilighty golden light that you get back in the UK, with very green grass and trees. So I could almost smell the grass smell wafting in the window. It was a very complete experience.

The experience cut right through her pre-occupying thoughts. ‘It was quite a separate experience from the experience of driving, it was something quite encapsulated. I thought, ‘what was all that about and I am still late for work, I have to get a move on.’ She got to work on time. Later in the day there was a phone call from England to say her mother had died. Immediately Jan remembered her experience. All of a sudden that moment in the car made absolute sense to me. I didn’t feel distressed. I didn’t feel it was spooky or scary. I just felt immensely reassured. I thought, ‘Well, she said goodbye.’ I still get this lovely feeling when I think about it. It was just such a personal touching thing.

When she worked out the time differences between England and Australia she realised the time of death matched the time of her experience. She is still very much in touch with this amazing experience that pushed into her consciousness past all the agitation she was feeling. It was a short experience and yet its depth and richness were so indelibly imprinted in Jan’s mind that ten years later the recollection was still vivid and immediate. Nature was important to both of them and this was a moment untouched by all the unhappiness that was to come. I thought it was the most beautiful thing that she in that moment went back to the early, early times. It was a moment untouched …by all the knowledge of the drinking, all the anguish, the family tension that that produced. That was a moment before any of that.

She reminisced that they had lots of geese and as a child they had been a significant part of her life. Grey geese and white geese, she used to count them. ‘They used to make my life a misery.’ She remembered being pursued by gaggles

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of geese through the fields many times. The image that her mother gave her was different. These were very innocent geese. They didn’t have the potential to give me grief or panic. …They were beautiful balls of fluff. The down was extraordinary. Such complete little creatures. I think I almost know that she chose that juxtaposition, innocence and stability of new life, of new beginnings, with a humour about the past as well, knowing there was a link to that.

It was as though the geese were a symbol of their relationship. And all the pain carried from the life with her mother was penetrated through to a moment before any of it– a clear moment which had really impinged on Jan’s consciousness as a child. I see it as almost a pure moment. I think it was a healing moment because it did take me back to the essence of a mother/daughter relationship and that closeness untrammelled by the other emotional garbage that followed.

The experience of her mother’s presence in the car left Jan feeling immensely reassured. As though her mother had come to her on the way through. ‘I never would have dreamed it would happen. I had no idea she was ill.’ Then a year later, to her utter amazement, she had ‘the oddest experience.’ She had returned to England with her husband for a brief visit to his mother and to pick up her own mother’s ashes so that she could place them somewhere her she would have liked. She collected them from the funeral director and she put the box in the car. On getting in to the car to drive: It was exactly as though she was in the car with me. I could smell her perfume, I could smell the face powder that she used to use. There was no sort of physical form. I didn’t see anything, but her presence was absolutely strong in the car. She was there. Involuntarily, I said to her, ‘I’m back. I’ve come to get you.’

In retrospect Jan reflects that it now seems ridiculous talking to an urn. Yet, at the time her mother’s presence was so strong there was no room for doubt. The intangibility and the reality of presence were juxtaposed. She had no clear idea where she could scatter her ashes. She wanted to take them to a place that her

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mother loved. So I was having this conversation with this urn, saying, ‘Well, we are going to…’ as she drove up to some beautiful ornamental gardens only to find they were closed. ‘What do I do now?’ she said out loud trying to get some sense from her mother where she would like to be taken, and nothing came. ‘I don’t really know where else to take you. I’m going to take you home.’ This was to the farm where Jan had grown up. She chose a beautiful spot that had very old and mature beechwoods. ‘It was summer and there was this sort of cathedral canopy of trees and the sun was filtering through.’

She could not feel her mother’s presence here though she tried desperately to feel her, hoping to know from her the best spot. She finally took the ashes out and spread them. As she did a breeze came up and blew them. The final loving task was completed, that was it. Perhaps the breeze was her mother affirming that. While Jan thought this could be so she was not certain. What she was certain about was her experience in the car with the urn beside her. ‘The last sense I had of her was actually in the car. I really did have a huge sense that she was there and it was a sensory communication.’

Jan was immensely reassured by these two experiences, particularly because within her belief system, until that time, there was no place for such things to happen. The image of the innocence of newly hatched goslings that her mother gave her captured the best time of their life together. Her sense of symbol as an artist seemed to convey in that image such understanding of the complexity of their relationship with its early innocence and its later pain. It perhaps also conveyed the newness and new beginning she had just entered. Together with the second experience a year later, Jan’s thinking was changed. She had never believed there was an ongoing life. Did Jan’s mother want her daughter to have this knowledge that she herself had not had?

The significance of these experiences have resonated in an ongoing way for Jan over the ten years since her mother died. They are still very present to her. This

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was particularly the case for the first experience. To visit it again in her sharing was a deep and emotional encounter. But not in a painful way. It’s okay to lift the lid and have a look and put it back down again. I can open it as many times as I like. Its not going to be an emotion that’s going to be altered however many times I look at it.

Many experiences, perhaps fortunately, are blunted by time, or redefined by looking at them from another angle. Memory often dulls perception. What is noticeable in Jan’s understanding of her experience is that there is no change in the memory when it is recalled. I think it’s always going to be the same experience, because it was such a clear defined moment. I don’t think time will ever dim that. I like that. … Over the time it always produced the same response in me ... a sense of warmth in a very odd sort of way, a sense of connection. Which I think we didn’t have later in life.

Later Jan comes back to this experience. For her it was like a transformation. That moment of loss was totally changed by the healing which came in that moment. Instead of being filled with regret for all the years of physical and intellectual space that had opened up, and feeling enormously fragile, the first experience allowed me not to feel that. It allowed me to grieve in an entirely different way. I didn’t go through those stages of anger, abandonment, anything like that, because I had had that chance, that moment in the car when she died, where we connected. I grieved but didn’t feel an overwhelming sadness about what I should have done or shouldn’t have done before she died. It was more a very easy acceptance.

(It was) about not being stuck, about moving through. I don’t feel a loss. I feel a gain. It was such a moment of soul-to-soul communication. It was outside any other context … where anybody has to be polite or make social enquiries. It was way out of all that. Transcending all that. It was direct. That’s why it was, for me, special.

Prior to her experience Jan had absolutely no spiritual or religious belief at all.

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Before I didn’t have any sort of belief. Didn’t believe in God, believed in the spirits of the earth as nature in a vague sort of way. As a force rather than any sort of personification.

She also had no belief in a hereafter and her experience changed her thinking. I think before this happened I never actually believed in life after death or any of that. I didn’t have any religious beliefs. I didn’t have a sense of the soul living on, resurrection, or anything like that. When that happened to me, it was quite out of the blue, it shifted my thinking immensely as to what that meant.

Her second experience was disconcerting because so unexpected, she thought she had said her goodbye. She thought it was just a matter of placing the ashes with respect in a meaningful place. My plans to (place the ashes) didn’t come out that way. There was a whole other dimension, another journey I hadn’t anticipated. It wasn’t something I wished for. It was an unbidden, unsought experience. Like the first experience, it was so absolutely out of the blue (it was) less easy to dismiss. Much more powerful because you don’t have any agenda within yourself when it happens. A richer and a more enduring experience. I am profoundly grateful for it. I laugh when I remember it.

Jan is still thinking about what the experiences mean - do they mean her mother is still present in some way and within the space could be related to. Is she going to have other encounters? When she dies will she see her? The two experiences have given her a knowing that her mother’s spirit is ongoing, and her individuality also. She is peaceful and grateful about that. She does not put any religious frame around it nor does she feel any desire to. She finds it has made a difference to her spirit and to her way of being in the world. ‘It’s been a learning. It’s opened a door, it’s made me more open to other people. It’s made me less rigid in my thinking.’

Two years after her mother died, she had another experience that she says ‘really jolted me around this sort of knowledge.’ It also opened her to entertaining the possibility that her daughter’s dreams were reminding her that there was another

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member of her family that she had not allowed for. She had had a late term miscarriage, a little boy, eighteen months before her daughter was born. Her daughter who was six at the time told her about her dreams. She started having a series of dreams. I tried to get her to explain what they were. She said to me, ‘I see this little boy and he is calling to me,’ and my heart just descended I think. ‘What is it about this little boy, is it frightening you?’ She said, ‘No it is not frightening, he is just there and he wants me to come and play. …I want to know who it is.’ I told her, ‘Long before you were born I had a miscarriage, if the baby lived you would have had a baby brother.’ After I told her that the dreams stopped.

Jan again saw this experience coming totally out of the blue and it jolted her into more thoughts. Her prior experiences with her mother allowed her to open herself to this experience and to accept something that she would never have thought of as a possibility. She puts it in the context of something that was inexplicable and yet it happened. It was another amazing experience and another invitation to the bigger world her mother had opened up to her.

She still does not speak about these experiences easily or tell many people. ‘You only tell people where there’s safety, where you are not going to get ridiculed.’ For Jan these are such intimate experiences and loaded for her with many messages, so it is not easy to share. Also Jan is a self-contained person who does not easily reveal herself. ‘Being a typical British stoic’ as she describes herself, she tries to always move on with her life. These experiences are hidden treasures which she brings out for reflection at times, providing a well of nourishment for her spirit when needed.

Jan has grown wiser and more reflective about life and about her interactions with others. The experiences have had a transforming effect, there is a serenity and goodness that radiates from her, but where this comes from is not easily shared. She works now with young people who have problems with drugs and alcohol. She is active in her compassion and cares for a young man with AIDS. There is the sense that Jan’s experiences of her mother have given her a deepened

182 understanding of what really matters in life – a simplicity in her way of life, a perceptive and non-judgmental acceptance of the difficulties others have to cope with, a readiness to lend a listening ear and her support, a willingness to be of service and an openness to a spiritual realm from where loved ones have entered into her everyday world.

Meaning units for the nature of the experience Startling, intruding unbidden. Presence, communication and image take over consciousness. Experience is encapsulated from prior thoughts. Recognisable presence. Image, clear, vivid, multi-sensory, and remembered. Complex, symbolic, multi-layered information conveyed. Occurs at time of death at a great distance. Remains over time, recalled with a clarity and vividness that does not diminish.

Huge sense of presence – sudden surprise, familiar perfume. Mother is ‘dead’ but still very much alive – same personality/feel. Relationship experienced as continuing. Connection with ashes. Element of ‘being found’ unexpectedly while completing the task. Knew where her daughter was. Element of ‘feeling ridiculous’, of humour.

Meaning units for after effects Grieving was changed from loss, regret, guilt, to an easy acceptance. Sense of transcending the past. Was not stuck in guilt. Soul-to-soul communication transformed prior experiences of the relationship. Warmth, connection, reassurance in the relationship is ongoing. Change from no belief in life after death. Knowing her mother’s individuality, personality still continuing. Enduring sense of gratitude for richness of experiences and a sense of peace. Learning from the experience has changed her -more open to other people. Less rigid in her thinking and belief system. Allowed her to be open to the meaning of her daughter’s dreams. Does not share the experience – fear of ridicule – too deep and intimate. Sense of making a contribution through type of work.

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Gillian Gillian is a woman in her sixties. She is married with two sons. Twenty-three years ago her mother died very suddenly from an aortic aneurism. She was a very healthy and active seventy-four year old so it was totally unexpected. Gillian was her only daughter and they were very close. She did not expect to be so distressed at the suddenness and cut-short feeling of her mother’s death or at the grief she would feel.

The day after the funeral, she was at home with her children and husband. After the evening meal she stepped out onto their front verandah, to be alone for a while, time to think and remember. She was feeling intensely the loss of her mother. She ‘knew there was nothing when you die, you just get put in the soil and rot away.’ She was aware of this as she stepped onto the verandah. The totality of her loss. There would be no more daily phone calls, no more visits. It felt so painfully final. Then, as she stood there, incredibly, she became aware of her mother’s presence. I had this strange feeling. Yes she is here…I didn’t see her and I still don’t know in my memory whether I saw her or it was in my imagination. We have this huge gum tree with a huge branch. To me, standing there, she was sitting on the branch in a white dress with her legs swinging as a younger woman. Why would I picture her like that, heaven knows. But that was what I had as a picture.

She began to be aware of her body and it felt different. ‘I had tingling down the back of my neck and across my shoulders. I had a very definite physical thing, very much so. I definitely did feel a very big difference in myself.’ The focus of it took her inside herself as she felt it. It was different from anything she had felt before. It was hard to describe. It was very physical, she was not imagining it, it was really happening. And the image she saw was not of the mother who had just died. It was a mother younger than I ever knew. I knew it was her. But why would I see her like that when I don’t even have a picture of her like that. You would think I would at least have a transference from a photo or a memory. She was always plump, that would be

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my memory of her, overweight. What I saw, wasn’t. But she was always very slim when she was young she told me. … That was what always struck me as weird, not weird, that she was that rather than the motherly plump lady.

As she looked and wondered, she was immersed in the image of her mother, in the tingling in her body, in the feeling of her mother’s presence. Time passed and stood still. Then it was over. She came inside. What was she to make of it, the unexpectedness of it, the surprise of it, the meaning of it. She thought about it during the next day. After the evening meal she went out again onto the verandah, to look at the old gum tree. Again it was there, the sense of her mother’s presence, the tingling on her back and shoulders, the image in her mind as she gazed at the tree, her mother ‘sitting there in a white dress, with her legs swinging, as a younger woman’. Gently, quietly, amazingly she stood, taking it all in, wondering how long she would stay, not wanting her to go.

The next night she could not wait to go out after the evening meal. Again her mother’s presence was there, her mother so different, yet the same, looking so carefree now. For six weeks Gillian went out onto the verandah each night after the evening meal. Each night her mother was there. The tingling would come, the knowing, the picture in her mind. There were no words. It was just a comforting sort of feeling. ‘She was there to give comfort. That was the essence of it for me. The comfort of it and the feeling that that was what it was about, as well.’

Then the night came when Gillian went out and there was nothing. It was awful. There was nothing there. And I tried to reason it out. Maybe she comes back for a while to comfort you for that little while. Then she decides it’s time for you to make it on your own, I’m off. That’s the only way I could rationalise it.

Gillian went out for a few nights after that and there was nothing there. I just had the loss. She was gone. There is nothing here. I did try for a few nights, because I wanted it there I think. I’ll give it

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another go. Almost, am I imagining this? It is something strange. It is a very strange thing to happen to you.’

Then she began to question herself. Did it really happen or didn’t it? Did she really feel it? Was it really her mother? Was she imagining it? Yet she really did know that when she was on the verandah it was different to anything she had known before. She knew the difference, it was very clear. The experience of her mother’s presence crossed borders and boundaries she never even knew existed. It spoke to her about the power of love. She and her mother had been very close before she died. It was incredible to experience it like this.

She is still in touch with the mystery of the actual experience. ‘I still don’t know in my memory whether I saw her or it was in my imagination?’ Did she see her with her physical eyes, or did she see her in her mind’s eye? It is as though Gillian does not have the words that could explain it to her. What she does know is that she saw and felt her mother, without knowing what was really happening or how it was happening. The experience did not take away her grief or the sense of loss for a long time. She continued to miss her mother very deeply. Also she did not share it with anyone over the years, it became a memory and ‘after all these years you don’t go over it in your mind very often.’ So it has only recently been brought out and explored again. A few months prior to our conversation she was at a meal with friends where two of them shared experiences of after-death contact. In this accepting atmosphere she shared her experience also. Since then and our interview, she has begun to share more freely.

She had not talked about the experience with her husband because he does not believe there is anything after death. Her experience is that most people do not believe there is a life after death or if they do they do not talk about it. People don’t normally say anything about it. …Part of it is a special thing that has happened to you. ... Another part of it is, other people say, ‘Oh, come on.’ …Because for so many people there’s no such thing as an afterlife. ... A large number of people say, ‘Oh come on, your imagination is working overtime.’

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Until recently this has made it difficult for Gillian to talk and so to deepen her understanding of the experience. It has had to be kept as a private reality. This has, until now, truncated the possibility of the experience being a springboard for developing a larger spiritual understanding through sharing it. As Gillian talks about her experience twenty years later, it is clear the most powerful effect was how her understanding of her world changed. Until then, ‘I did not know if there was anything after you die, I don’t think I believed there was anything.’ Religion did not come into it for her and, though she had belonged in the Church of England, churchgoing had not been part of her life for many years.

Then this amazing experience happened and her way of being in the world was never the same again. What it meant to be a human being had expanded. What it was possible to experience had blown out to a larger dimension. Her way of expressing it was like a mental response to those who did not believe as she had not believed. ‘I would never say there is nothing when you die. I would never say it, ever.’ She does not know what there is, that is still a mystery to be understood. Her mother came to her. She did not go to where her mother was. ‘When you get up there …well, we don’t know where you go or what happens do we?’ Gillian has thought about it and tried to imagine what it might be like where her mother is. She has tried to hold a picture in her mind. Perhaps we’ll all get together and have a big party. At least that’s what I told the kids when the dog died. When you think about it maybe we do. It’s not such a bad idea.

She has had to reflect about it on her own. In her own way she has done this. ‘I think it has influenced the spiritual side of things. You have to believe you are not going to just stop in the middle of things.’ In her sixties now Gillian is reminded of how her mother stopped, in a time of good health at seventy-four, with lots to do, in the middle of things. Or maybe she hasn’t stopped, maybe she is still busy in another place. As she puts herself in her mother’s shoes, she

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wonders if she will, like her mother, ‘be whizzing around trying to make (her) death less painful for someone.’

The questionings Gillian grapples with are managed with categories that are known. There are no other images to draw on, and she has not acquired any others through a religious upbringing. It is hard to imagine something as different as an afterlife. When she thinks about death and she has not done that very much until recently, she believes her experience makes it less frightening. Like many people Gillian has found it hard to face the reality of death or to think about it too much. It does open up questions in my mind as to what happens to us. I guess I haven’t any more answers but I do find it interesting to speak (to others who have had experiences). … I do believe there is something. It does make a big difference that these things can happen.

Gillian has gained a deeper understanding of what her life here might be leading to, and to a sense of living in a bigger world, a spirit world that perhaps includes seeing her mother again. ‘If someone is around giving me tingly feelings on the shoulders for six weeks, they can’t be altogether dead can they?’ Most of all there is a great sense of gratitude for the gift of this amazing and comforting experience and for the difference it has made to her life. Sharing with others recently has validated the experience in some new ways.

Meaning units for the nature of the experience Strange. Physical impact on body. Mother ‘dead’ but experienced as present differently. Recognised immediately. Experienced intuitively, physically, clairvoyantly. A way of seeing that is different and unknown. Surprising, picture different from expected. Grief on hold. Extended nature of the experience. Comforting. Return of sense of loss after experience.

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Meaning units for after effects Sense of comforting. Experience not shared – for fear of ridicule or disbelief. Kept as a private reality. Opportunity to explore experience with others not available. Development of thinking about the experience truncated. Total change from disbelief to belief in afterlife. Expansion of view of how far life and world extend. Knows mother is in an afterlife. Has imagined possible pictures of an afterlife. Sees her life as ongoing but what happens is unknown. Sense of deep gratitude for the experience.

Barry Barry’s father died very suddenly. He came home from work sick on Wednesday, and he died the following Sunday. Barry, only nineteen, stayed with his father during those days. His father, an engineer with his own business, had been a pilot in the First World War and had been highly decorated for bravery. During the Second World War, when Barry was still a young boy, his father was called up for ground service and they had moved around a lot. Barry describes his relationship with his father as ‘reasonably close.’ Barry describes his father as very, very strict, from the old school. He would not take any shenanigans at all. He worked hard and provided for his family during the great depression, when many were not able to do so.

As a youngster Barry wanted to leave school at Intermediate and become a motor mechanic. His father was a very determined character and when Barry told him what he wanted to do his father said, ‘If that’s what you want to be, you can be a motor mechanic. But before you become a motor mechanic you will learn to be an engineer and a dammed good one at that.’ His father was very clear about what he thought would be best for his son. Barry took the apprenticeship to be an engineer and it was during this training that his father died.

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About a month after his father died, Barry decided he would quit the apprenticeship and join the family business and help his mother. Soon after he made this decision he woke in the night and saw his father at the end of his bed. The first visitation I got from my father he was standing at the end of the bed and he said, ‘I told you lad to finish your engineering apprenticeship before you even think of getting out.’ That was the first visit. He looked just the way he always looked. Just perfectly normal. It was just as if I was wide-awake and he was standing at the end of my bed.

It was night time yet he could see his father quite clearly. It was almost as if the light was turned on. He woke up and there he was. Barry again describes the encounter, as if the memory carries the meaning of the experience perfectly clearly, but the words change a little. ‘I woke up and here he is. “Here son, what’s this, that you are about to break your apprenticeship. Don’t even think about it.”’

Barry describes himself as ‘a bit spooked, a bit spooked’ by the experience. Now fifty years later, he says he did finish his apprenticeship, and his father visited him again, in the same way several times during it. After the first visit he was not scared or frightened but took some time to think about it. ‘Whether it was real, or whether I had been dreaming. Now did I have a vivid dream or was it real?’ He didn’t decide. Then after the second experience he wondered, ‘What’s going on here?’

His father continued to visit Barry at intervals over the next twenty years. It was always in the same way, at the end of the bed, always at night, and he always looked the same. After the second one Barry says, I certainly wasn’t in the frame of mind to be looking forward to the next one. From experience to experience I never thought forward, is he coming back again? If he came back, he came back. Dad had his own way of doing things.

His clothes varied over the twenty years of these visits.

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Sometimes he had his ordinary civvies on, a couple of times he had his airforce uniform on. But it was always Dad. There was never any mistake about it. … In the next couple he would just visit me and say how are you getting on with the various activities in the factory. He came, and basically we would just talk about what I was doing. Just like he was a real person. Just like he was a real person.

Barry did not say anything about his father’s visits. He did not think about them too much. As time went on Barry finished his apprenticeship and decided to join the family business. This resulted in another visit from his father. He said, ‘No, boy, you are not ready for it yet. Get out and spread your wings. Get some experience so you can contribute something worthwhile.’ ‘OK, right, OK Dad.’ So I did just that.

In the next few years he got involved in other areas of engineering, as a fitter and turner and then at night school in tool and die maintenance. Finally he joined the business. ‘Then I did not get any visits for a few years.’ He married during this time. ‘Never had any visits from Dad on that score at all.’ When he was in his late twenties, his mother wanted to sell the business. He and his brother both agreed it would be good for their Mother, and they both felt ready and able to make their own way in life. And I had a visit from Dad that said. ‘Good decision, boy, to look after your mother.’ I can’t remember the words exactly, that was basically it. That’s what sticks in my mind. ‘Good decision boy, it’s good for your mother, do the right thing.’

He and his brother both got jobs. Three years later he had reached the stage of being a State Manager and he was offered a promotion but it meant moving to Adelaide. His wife, at the time, did not want to go, so he declined the offer. And I had a visit from my Dad. ‘Not such a real crash hot decision, son. You will never go any further in that company. You only get one chance at promotion.’

He always appeared at the end of the bed. Every time. That was always where he came. Even after I was married I would be in bed talking to Dad and my wife at the time would be in bed asleep beside me.

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He told his wife about it but ‘it freaked her right out. She just reckoned I was dreaming or hallucinating, or whatever. … It spooked her well and truly.’ His wife used to say that if he had been talking to someone she would have woken up. In trying to understand the experience, I asked Barry if the conversations were, in fact, mind to mind, hearing each other’s thoughts or did they actually speak physically with a voice. With a voice is how he remembers it. Yes, that’s the way I recall it. I recall literally waking up and there he was. ‘Wake up, son, I want to talk to you’ would be his greeting. ‘Wake up son, I want to talk to you.’

Barry moved on with his life, and at the invitation of a friend joined a new industry. He worked very hard, sixteen hours a day. When he turned thirty-four, he was struck down with Menieres Disease. He lost his balance, and found it a very weird experience and very frightening. I did have a visit from my Dad while I was crook. At one stage I felt as though I was going to die. I wished to hell I could have. And I got a visit then. ‘Don’t give up. There is no room for you up here yet.’ And that was probably the turning point. Because prior to that I felt so dreadful I really couldn’t see anywhere to go. He said, basically, we are not ready for you yet. Get yourself together and get on with your life. So I did.

It was at that point Barry seriously started to wonder whether there was anything real to it or whether it was his mind playing up on him. That he was not wanted up there was very disturbing and affected him deeply. When you’re told, because you want to die, ‘we’re not ready for you yet,’ I started to wonder, and probably after that started to take a few more physical risks. I just did what I darned well wanted to do.

He started his own company in the same industry and had another visit from his father. ‘Good decision, son. Good decision.’ As he got going with his new business there were several visits in the initial stages to say, ‘I don’t think it would be a good decision to do that.’ Or ‘I think you would be better off to do so and so.’ However Barry claims, ‘I still did pretty much what I wanted to do.’ As

192 the business developed and came together and was working well, he had another visit from his father who just said, ‘Proud of you boy, proud of you boy. If I had been alive I would have done exactly what you wanted to do.’

The business grew and Barry had a final visit from his father. He said, ‘I don’t think I can do any more for you mate. You have made a success of your life. You will just go on with your life and get bigger and better.’ And that’s pretty much the way it was. The business grew and grew.

And his father did not visit him ever again. As Barry reflects on his experiences he struggles with the extraordinary nature of them. I don’t know if it was something inside that was manipulating my mind to make it as if it was Dad. Your mind can play some very funny tricks. But the last one was quite definite, ‘I’m proud of you boy. You made the right decisions, I can’t do anymore.’

Barry has thought about how it could have happened and tried to make sense of it. ‘I don’t know if there was some guiding influence up there that put it all together and made it happen. I really don’t know.’ Was someone up there helping his father to visit his son? He wonders about that. Barry is a very down to earth matter of fact person. He is not given to introspection but rather names things as he sees them. He is practical and describes himself as someone who when things go wrong simply starts at the beginning and keeps working at it, whatever it is, until it is fixed. He is certainly not given to flights of fancy and his reflections on his experiences with his father convey this same down to earth quality. There are no frills of description. He conveys his father as very strong, very definite, and serious. He is still being the same sort of father that Barry had grown up with, strict and no shenanigans.

It is over twenty-five years since he last had contact with his father. He says quite often that he has not thought about his experiences in the last twenty years, he has left them in the back of his awareness. Then recently he was part of a dinner party conversation where two of the guests shared their experiences. One had

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visits from her mother. Another had visits from her husband. He listened. And then he stunned them all, ‘My old man used to come and see me.’ He told them about his visits from his father. Until then he had not shared these experiences easily, if at all.

He says he did not consciously grieve for his father or for his mother who died thirty years after his father. Yet he says, when his mother died, he knew the two of them were together again. I had no recollection of Dad standing at the end of my bed talking about it. But when my mother died I knew the two of them were together again. Don’t ask me why. Somehow I do. Now whether that has anything to do with him when he said, ‘You are your own man, you have made a success of your life, I’m proud of you, and I won’t be back.’ And he hasn’t been. I have no recollection of him standing by the bed saying it. ‘Your mother has come to join me.’ But somehow I know they are (together).

He does not know if he will see them again. Because, he comments, ‘With my life, I could quite easily go down and start shovelling coal.’ He has reflected a lot on why he is still alive. He has not worked it out yet. He describes how in his life he has had many close encounters. ‘I’ve walked away from three airplane crashes and nine quite major auto crashes. I fell off the roof and broke my back. I’ve had prostate cancer. Against all the odds I’m still here.’ Then he also realises, ‘I’m sure as hell not ready to go yet. I’m not ready to go and see Dad and I’m not ready to go down and shovel coal.’

It is as though his father is an ambivalent person for him, authoritarian still, from the other side, and yet interested in his son and wanting the best for him. Because of this there is an ambivalence about his father’s continuing presence and an awareness of the stubborn streak in them both. It was important for Barry that he did it his way. ‘I never had any trouble making up my mind. I think that is an inherited thing. Dad was like that too.’ He has wondered whether it was a psychological thing that after the business started to prosper, his father said. ‘I can’t do anything more for you.’ Again there is an ambivalence as he doesn’t

194 believe in divine help or miracles, and yet struggles with the thought, maybe there was some guiding influence that made it all happen. Something maybe that was beyond even his father.

There were three pivotal points for him that he thought about a great deal until he decided to put it out of his mind for more than twenty years. There was the time he was ill and his father said there was no room for him up there yet, there was the time when he was doing well his father left and said he would not be back; and finally there was the time when he was desperately searching for help after his marriage broke down. He tried to get help from his father through a medium. ‘I could not get contact.’ He wondered if it was because his mother had now died that his father did not come back. ‘You know you can drive yourself crazy thinking about those sort of things and I’m not prepared to do that. What happens, happens.’

Barry moved on with his life. Now after more than twenty years he is reflecting about it again as he tells the story of his experiences and how they have shaped his life and thought. He does not frame the visitations from his father within the context of any religious convictions. He opted out when he was very young. He was born a Methodist, and at fifteen his Dad said he could make up his own mind about going to church and he chose not to go. Now in his early seventies, after his lifetime of experience, in marriage, in business, and his experiences with his father he reflects about his own understandings of life and death and the hereafter. Let me put it this way. I believe, and I know this puts me at odds with a lot of people, I do believe the spirit recycles. I believe there is a Superior Being of some sort. Whether it is God, or whether God is male or female – I decided as a teenager that I strongly disagreed with the dogma that various Churches teach. To me, all of the religions, I don’t care if you are talking Muslim, Hindu, Methodist or Catholic or whatever, I see any religion as a means of controlling the masses by a select few.

As far as a spirit world is concerned Barry believes.

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I don’t think I could afford to disbelieve. The old man used to come and talk to me. I was a bit spooked. It would be twenty-five years since I last had contact with my father. He never really gave me any guidance – all he ever did was comment on what I had done. …I wonder if, unconsciously, there was some guidance. I really don’t know.

There is an awareness of some sadness and unresolved issues in his life. His first marriage broke up and he and his second wife have been together for seventeen years. He shares his understanding of the meaning of his life. I don’t think I’ve ever seriously thought about what is the meaning of life, what is the purpose. … I guess there is a meaning to every person and the way they live, what they do, what drives a person to do whatever it is they do. I really feel we do the best we can with our lives and a lot of things that happen to us in our lives are not what we would have chosen. We learn to live (with that).

Barry has had amazing experiences. But they have not been shared very much at all. They had been put out of his mind until recently. It was too hard to work out all that it meant. When his first marriage went bad, it was the first ‘major crisis of my life’ and ‘I was a bit screwed up.’ He went to a medium. ‘I got nowhere.’ She said to him, ‘You will meet and marry again, a blond woman, and you will marry again.’ He recalls that at the time he thought, ‘like hell’ and laughed rather cynically about this possibility. Now after his marriage of seventeen years to his second wife, a woman who has been blond ever since he knew her, he wonders about it. He comes back again to thoughts of his father, this clairvoyant medium was supposed to be the best of the best, but he couldn’t get anywhere with her in his effort to make contact. His father had meant what he said and Barry was very disappointed. His father who had come to him for over twenty years had let him down when he most needed help and he had to work it out for himself.

As he tells the story of his father, there is no current of emotion in the telling. It is very matter of fact, and there is a strong sense of his making his own individual choices. He does not acknowledge his father’s guidance so much as that his father showed his approval and told him when he had done the right thing. ‘I

196 suppose you could say he approved what I was doing.’ Only once had he told him he had done the wrong thing. As a child his father had imprinted strongly in him that there is a right way and a wrong way. His father was ‘very, very strict,’ but he was a good provider. It appears that his father’s personality had not changed with his new state. Barry acted in ways that his father expected, and it would seem that a major after-effect for Barry was the sense of security that his father’s presence and values gave him. His father knew how to help with his business world. He did not seem to be able to help in his personal world. His father did not appear to have changed in the afterlife. His father was there trying to help him in his early adult years but there was no seeming development in the relationship.

Barry says he has never been afraid of death, even before his father came back. He did not find it easy to acknowledge that his father’s coming had made much difference to his life. He is reflective about some experiences he had in earlier years. He is trying to understand ‘extra-terrestrial travel.’ During the time when his business was expanding he used to travel around the world six times a year. ‘I know on several occasions I would go to a place and it was totally familiar. I had never been there before but I knew it. I could go straight there because I knew it.’ He wonders if this ability was extra-terrestrial travel or re-incarnation. Was this capacity an after-effect of his experiences with his father?

Meaning units for nature of the experience Father appears at end of bed looking like a real person. Struggle with whether it was a dream or really happened. Dressed as remembered. Father with same personality and characteristics so recognised easily. Spooked by the experience. As if the light was turned on. As if I was wide-awake. Did not look for repeat of experience – if it happened it happened. Coming was with a purpose – affirmation, approval, opinion, advice, instruction. Ongoing visits over 20 years – nature of relationship unchanged.

Meaning units for after effects Belief in a spirit world and an afterlife.

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Knows his mother and father together – does not know how he knows. Father’s involvement affects his life – continues apprenticeship, gets more experience, gets back into life after illness and wanting to die. Ambivalent about father’s messages. Deeply affected, (angry, worried, concerned?) by message ‘no room for you up here yet.’ Outcomes of messages seen in business change and growth. Father’s approval and disapproval important and ambivalently accepted. Claim that he did his own thing in his own business despite his father’s input from the other side. Believes spirit recycles – reincarnation. Believes in God and an afterlife. Cutting off of visits and absence of visit in time of greatest need resulted in repression of experiences for 20 years. Not ready to see father yet. Fear of shovelling coal if die. No fear of death – put himself into physical danger often. Difficulty acknowledging his father’s coming affected him a great deal.

Joan Joan is a sixty-three year old married woman with three grown up children. She and her husband have retired and she does some volunteer work with the sick. Her mother died unexpectedly in hospital when Joan was fifty-three. Joan was very distressed and missed her mother greatly. Over the next three years she worried a great deal about her mother, whether she was alright, whether she had found peace and gone to heaven. Joan was raised as a Catholic and has always followed her faith but her mother did not go to mass at all. Other than me thinking about her quite a lot and getting upset all the time, every now and then I’d hear a song. My mother played the piano a lot professionally when she was young, so if I’d hear a song it would immediately remind me of Mum and so I’d think, oh Mum, I hope you are alright.

About three years after her mother died Joan was asleep, it was in the early hours of the morning. Into my mind came a picture of my mother’s face. Mum was in it, a living breathing person, smiling and so happy and radiant. Not at anything. Just being. Just there. Like as if I was looking through a keyhole at her in this frame. But she was so young. That’s what got me. She was so young. Even now when I think of it – I don’t remember Mum being like that. I knew it was her. It was so big,

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the frame filled up with her face. There was nothing else – just Mum’s face.

She wasn’t looking at me. I was looking at her. I had no actual connection with her other than to see her and then I must have dozed off again or maybe I was asleep. I woke up with a start and I was shocked. Into my head ‘My God, what was that?’ I woke my husband and said, ‘Eddie, there was something strange that just happened to me. I had this sort of thing.’ And I couldn’t say a dream because it wasn’t a dream really. It was a looking at something. It stayed with me and it is still with me. I have never worried about Mum since.

For ten years she has been aware of that picture of her mother’s face in the back of her mind. It is a constant reminder of her mother’s happiness in her new state. She paints a picture of her Mum, she was as an extrovert, a lover of fun, of music in life, of parties. Her mother worked professionally as a pianist, and she loved to go out and then never wanted to go home. Her father was a difficult man and life was not always easy for Joan and her mother. Her experience has been a significant influence in her life since then. It took away her fear of dying. I feel I am going somewhere. I am not frightened to die at all. And I have been ill. There were times when I thought maybe this is it and I thought well, if this is it God, here I come.

She hasn’t spoken about it to anyone else in the family except her husband and she is not sure what he thinks about it. But he knows that since the experience she has never again worried about death. It is like a certain thing. I know that that land is over there and that was Mum I saw and she was so radiant I couldn’t possibly have any thoughts of worry about how she is.

She had not shared her experience with others. There was a fear that others would be sceptical or unbelieving. She answered an advertisement about the research project. It provided her with an opportunity to tell her story to someone who really wanted to listen and who would not treat it with disbelief or pass it off as her imagination. Since then she has shared her story more frequently. At a second interview she said she has talked about it and is now less concerned about

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others’ reactions. She has found that responses vary. Some think ‘you are a bit off your tree.’ Some say nothing at all, as if they are thinking, ‘Oh, yeh!!’ Some tell stories of things that have happened to them. Others have said they have felt people in their house. ‘I don’t go on with it but I just know it happened to me. I saw her as a contented, beautiful, radiant young woman. That was amazing.’

She has started to play her mother’s piano again which she never thought she would do. She is playing all her mother’s old music right back to the 1930’s. It brings her mother back even more clearly. ‘It is almost like listening to her– my music sound is very similar, because she taught me. I feel in tune with her.’

She feels closer to God since her experience because God allowed her to have that. It made her more sure about God’s presence in her life. She regrets she does not spend more time spiritually instead of just in general living. It changed her ideas about death – it is not a sad thing. The struggle is over. The experience with her mother has opened her up to more reflection and thinking about life and death and it ‘has changed my views on a lot of things.’ She does not understand why people suffer who don’t deserve it, particularly children. She can’t see the point of people killing each other – what for?

Seeing how beautiful her mother was, so alive and radiant, has given her courage to think ‘there is a hereafter, and we are going to be peaceful and happy because that’s how she looked.’ She no longer sees material things as very important. ‘ I give away things all the time.’ She now believes that what you can take with you are your experiences and the love of family and friends. ‘The experience has changed me’ she admits. But she does worry a little about her father because she was not close to him, he was bad tempered and took it out on her mother. And she has had no experience of him. She hopes he is all right. She believes that how one lives here affects what one experiences on the other side of death. .

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Meaning units for the nature of the experience Awareness of state of consciousness not clear, was asleep but not asleep. Not a dream, a real event. A looking at something – a picture of her mother living and radiant. Seeing a living vibrant face in her mind. Clarity of the experience as a picture indelibly imprinted on the mind. Her mother’s face younger than she had ever known her. Unmistakably her mother. After-effect of shock, startled at remembering of experience. Immediate alleviation of worry about her mother.

Meaning units for after effects Fear of dying taken away. Certainty of going to a place after death. Not able to be talked about – fear of others skepticism. Desire to talk about it safely – in doing so fear of talking removed. Confidence about reality of the experience that happened to her. Closer to God – God gave the experience – God more present to her. Death not a sad thing – the struggle is over. More reflection about things that are hard to understand eg killing, suffering. Courage to think about being in a hereafter, and being peaceful and happy there. Material things not so important. Life’s experiences and love of family and friends most important. As a follower of her faith and its rules as ensuring an afterlife, a reordering of this because of her mother, they are now not absolutes.

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Chapter Six The Participants’ Stories: Other Relationships

Four participants are in this group. Marlene talks about her communications with her son who had committed suicide unexpectedly twelve years previously. Jenny, forty years later, tells of her experiences with a patient as a young nurse. Alice shares her more recent experience of contact with her brother around the time of death and Marianne shares her experience of being with her sister at the time of death.

Marlene Twelve years ago, at the age of twenty-nine, Marlene’s son took his own life. She shared her grief for this devastating and unexpected loss. She also shared her gratitude because of the contact she has had with her son since that time. At the time he died, Ricky was a young man, fit and healthy, full of life, into the triathlon, he did not drink or smoke, and ‘had such energy and such a love of life.’ He was a father with two loved children, five and eight, a good job and a new relationship. Late one night he did not answer the phone call his girlfriend made as she drove back to her own flat after visiting him. They had had a falling out and feeling uneasy she returned to find him dead in his car in the garage with the engine turned off but the music still playing.

It was an unbelievable event for them all. Marlene believes he acted impulsively, that he did not really want to die, and then when he eventually tried to turn off the engine, his muscles had relaxed so much it was too late. He managed to turn off the engine but not the radio. ‘That upset me, because I thought, well, he had switched it off. He didn’t want to die. I knew he wouldn’t have wanted to go.’ She spoke of how he had visited her that night, had made his plans for the next day, and how so much was happening for him, how excited he had been because he and his girlfriend had decided to live together.

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This terrible event was so hard to accept for someone like Ricky. He was so full of energy and life, more so than general people. That was what made it so much harder for everybody. Not just myself, but his friends, his friends in the triathlon, everybody. He was so alive, and that made it harder.

Remembering the grief, she shared that she could not swallow properly, there was a constant tight band round her head, and when she went out she would find she couldn’t remember where she was meant to be going. ‘I hadn’t realised that it consumes you.’ It took ‘a good two years to get back to some level of normality in some ways.’ Even with the help of a support group for parents who had lost their children, which she valued greatly, it was very difficult. She found it helped to listen and to share and to realise she was not going mad, there often was no logical explanation, and her reactions were part of the grieving process. We were good friends together. We really enjoyed each other. I was so lucky for twenty-nine years. I just couldn’t understand how you could be so close and not see it coming.

She first felt his presence about three months after the funeral. I knew he was with me. There was a completely different feeling in the room. I could be here in the kitchen preparing a meal thinking of other things, and suddenly I felt that when I turn around I will see him … It was like an electric sort of feeling, a knowing I wasn’t in the room alone. An absolute definite knowing.

She knows it is not a situation you can absolutely prove to anybody, but rather that when someone else has had the same experience that person knows exactly what is meant and confirms it. ‘I knew it was Ricky. I knew. I definitely knew the difference and I knew when he had left me too. The space where he was, it is as though it is empty.’ She experienced his presence in this way frequently. Not in the beginning when the grief was intense because ‘you are in a kind of void.’ It was a great feeling but it was not the same as having him there, he was in another space, another dimension. She would often hear, when she was especially down, or near an anniversary or Christmas, his favorite song, John Lennon’s, ‘Imagine’ which they had played at the funeral.

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It was so weird, well not really, because it was just his way, and I was so confident and sure of that. It was his way of making contact with me, like, ‘Mum, I’m here. I know you’ve been thinking of me.’ It was very important to me that I would not in any way restrict him or hold him back from what he is needing to be getting on with and doing. I wasn’t trying to will him to come. I feel that’s important. I think that given time they move on.

Marlene had had an interest in Spiritualism for some years, and her son too was interested as he grew older. She said she had always promised him that when she died, she would try to make contact with him just to prove they had been on the right track for those years. She never dreamed it would be the other way around.

A few years later she had moved on to a place in herself where the desperate grieving and missing had gone. She was no longer hoping or expecting to feel his presence. Then the totally unexpected happened when she woke up one morning. I wake up very early and I open my eyes and boom I’m awake. You know how you do when you first wake up you lie (there) and are thinking of the day, what’s ahead and what’s to do. Then I looked to the side and there was Ricky and he was sitting there beside my bed. On the floor beside my bed. He wasn’t looking at me. He was looking just across the room. It was so clear, it absolutely, it was as clearly and solidly as you are solid there. He was. He really was.

In telling the story she touched again into her amazement and wonder at its concreteness and reality. I remember looking and thinking ‘wow’ and feeling so, … just taken, so surprised by it... Just looking and studying him. And his hair. I remember noticing his hands, his fingers. He had long fingers. Yes, just him, there was so much of him. His knees were up and sitting on his bottom with his legs up. His hands were relaxed. I don’t know if they were crossed or not. I remember his hands were hanging and he was just looking across. Just sitting there, just relaxed.

As she studied him the thought came to her. ‘Mum, I am doing this for you to see that I am here, that I’m okay and that I didn’t turn and look at you because then we would have lost the moment.’ It was not a flashing thing and it seemed it was

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quite a few minutes that she was able to sit and study him. She believes that his gift to her was that he waited until the worst of her grieving was over and she was calm enough to simply be with the experience, to really be able to witness it in such a complete way. I didn’t make a sound. I could feel my heart beating and I was almost trying to hold my breath because I was scared that anything from me might make him go. I didn’t want that to happen and so I remember trying to take control of how my body was reacting so that then I could stay this much longer looking at him.

It was his way of doing what they had talked about. It was an even more complete experience than Marlene could have imagined. She thought as you watched, ‘Good on you Ricky,’ because he gave her enough time to relish the experience of his presence. So I watched him, and the way he went was so strange. I was looking at him and he was solid as I can see you there now, and then he just seemed to gradually, so slowly, melt away. He drifted away. I don’t mean he actually moved. He stayed as he was, but the whole image of him actually faded, faded so that in the end he got fainter, not smaller in size or anything, but fainter, so that then I could see my wardrobe doors. I could see my room through where he would have been.

He just seemed to melt away into whatever. All I knew was that I could see him so clearly and he was within arms reach. He was so strongly there and (then) slowly bit by bit he wasn’t so strongly there and in the end he was gone. In the end I was just seeing the cupboard…. I lay taking him in so completely and I really believe that was his gift to me, ‘Mum here I am, you’re ready now and able now to experience this. I won’t spoil it by looking at you – not spoil it, and have you get emotional.’ Because if he looked at me I would have been upset. It was absolutely, absolutely wonderful.

Afterwards Marlene did think to herself, ‘We didn’t look at each other, we didn’t actually make contact.’ That was surprising in one way but she knew … ‘if we did it would have been over too soon.’ She gave him the credit for that. She imagined him saying to her, ‘You wouldn’t have had those minutes where you were really able to study me.’

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Then there was one other experience, sometime later. She woke up one morning. He was just standing there looking across from me near where my curtains are. He was there and then he disappeared. I thought, Oh, its Ricky again. He wasn’t there long. I felt he hadn’t come then for me to witness him. He had come, I felt, maybe because he just wanted to do that.

Marlene is a spiritually aware person rather than a religious person. Her mother was not religious although an aunt took her to church sometimes when she was a child. One of ten children, she grew up in London in the war with the bombing and had to fend for herself a lot as a child. From an early age she had an interest in Spiritualism. She says she has had a knowing within herself that there is more beyond this life and there is a reason for our lives and how we live our lives. Ricky’s visitation confirmed this knowing and enlarged her understanding. I feel so sure there is another place we go to, that there is an ongoing experience that we have and that this (life) is only part of a whole learning, this is just a classroom, this life. We are all spirits here to live life. We need to try and live it in a really meaningful, wonderful way of caring for each other.

Now, twelve years later, she is sure he has moved on, she is no longer aware of his presence. Her experience suggests to her that he moved on quite a number of years ago. ‘I felt he needed to be close earlier on, that first year, for his sake as well as mine…I doubt that he does that now.’

The organisation she went to for help after Ricky died became an important place for her in the years that followed. She wanted to give support to others who were in a place of grief and shock as she had been. ‘I did volunteer support work for many years with that organisation.’ She felt able to be with others in their grief and able to reassure those who spoke hesitatingly about experiences similar to her own. Often they did not know whether to trust them or believe them and take the comfort they offered.

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Like many others in a similar situation she visited mediums to make contact with Ricky again and has been told that he now works on the other side helping those who have struggled as he did. She is not surprised because he was such a ‘full of life’ person who gave so much of himself in his twenty-nine years of life here. Her after-death contacts with Ricky have confirmed that the experience of life has a very definite purpose. That it is a gift, an opportunity, that enables us to grow and evolve into a purely spiritual being and to be compassionate and non- judgmental. I have felt, for myself, that the passing of the years has given me the opportunity to realise this into action. Because when you are younger you are into living and its when you get older that you sort it out that there really is a purpose in life. You sort of mellow out a bit don’t you.

It’s just an understanding I have within myself. The relationships you have during each lifetime are just part of our growth, our lessons for each other. I feel like we are here for a reason, that there is a continuation of life, that we come in on this lifetime and it’s just like a school in a way. People are in our lives for that learning. So the relationships we form are there for a reason, for their growth from us or vice versa. To help us understand something within our own learning. You still form strong love for that other spiritual being. I believe in that.

She is spiritual in her way of living and being but does not express her spirituality through any religious denomination. We’ve got so many religions saying this or that and disproving this or claiming that. So I sort of let it go. I feel it’s the way you live your life and the way you are with others and how you respect others or love others that’s important. That’s all I hold onto now because I can’t see beyond that. I think that’s not a bad way to go.

She has not yet worked out ‘God being a one thing.’ She thinks it is a holistic thing of people caring for each other and that there are special people, like Jesus, who walk the earth at different times to try and teach us. Her life’s experiences, and especially all the growing in understanding and compassion that has happened since her son died, have given her a strong base for living her life fully and for facing the future without fear.

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Meaning units for nature of the experience In deep grief at time of experience. Presence – palpable, physical, located in space, a ‘knowing’, electrical feeling. When presence leaves space occupied by presence feels empty. Synchronicity of hearing favorite song when down or sad around anniversaries.

Solid physical presence for a few minutes. At time of morning waking from sleep. Able to see appearance in detail, physical characteristics and clothing worn. Awareness of thoughts in mind –from him. Aware of bodily reactions and staying as still as possible. Watched his going as a melting away from solid to more and more transparent until no longer there.

Meaning units for after effects Wonderful, grateful feelings. Confirmed her knowing there is another place we go to. This life is only part of an ongoing learning experience, a classroom. A knowing that people are spirits here to live a physical life, and to learn. Gave years of voluntary service to Grief Group – able to be with their grief and assure them of reality of their ADC experiences. Life is a gift enables us to evolve. Has let go of formal religion. Still working out her theology, it is about people caring for each other. Tries to live her life in a meaningful way, caring respecting and loving others. Lives fully without fear of future.

Jenny It was 1963, Jenny a seventeen year-old student nurse on her first term of night duty in New Zealand had an amazing experience of communication with a patient who had just died. An elderly patient in her eighties was in the hospital, she was paralysed, incontinent and had lost her power of speech. Jenny formed a strong bond with this patient and took a special interest in her and care of her. I was doing my Florence Nightingale bit. I was treating her as if she was my mother or my grandmother … I was quite attached really. I mean I only nursed her for a week. I always checked her before I went off duty. She was the first and last I checked when I came on. At the end of the week I went to check her before I went off duty and she actually squeezed my hand. She did take my hand and gave it a little squeeze – just a light squeeze and she mouthed thank you to me. I skipped of the ward on a real high.

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When she died during the night, Jenny laid her out. She had always had a terror of being with dead or dying people so she ‘was a bit scared.’ It was an important first experience for her as a student nurse. In the morning she went off-duty very tired and ready to sleep. I went back to the nurses’ home and I tried to go to sleep, and I saw her floating over me in a shroud. The white shroud that I had put her in. I don’t know why this should stick with me, but the shroud didn’t drop. I am an artist, I paint, I look for things like that and this shroud was just flowing straight – stiff. I could see her face quite clearly. Looking at me. It was looking at me.

And her face was over my face and looking at me and I was terrified. I have to say I was absolutely terrified. She looked just like she did in life. The same age. She was the same person, her face was white, but then she had white hair and she was very pale. She had a gentle smile. I mean she didn’t look any different really. Hardly any different from when she was alive.

The patient had died at midnight and her first experience of the apparition of her patient was only eight hours later around eight am when she went to bed. It continued every morning for five more days. And the minute I closed my eyes to go to sleep, boomb, she would be there hovering over me, exactly the same. And I could see her very clearly. And it scared me silly. It continued for about 5 days. … By Friday I wasn’t functioning. I was so tired and exhausted. It didn’t happen during the day, it was just that first initial thing in the morning. I fought going to sleep and I must have dropped out of sheer exhaustion. I know it was the Friday and I was totally and completely exhausted and I couldn’t go off and I was frightened and I mentally told her to go away. That I couldn’t handle this – please go away. And she went.

Jenny thought a lot about the experience afterwards. Here was a lady she had treated as if she were her grandmother. She saw herself as an impressionable young teenager who wanted to save the world, or in this case do the best she could for everybody. She knew that her mother had had experiences but they were always with people she had dearly loved. She struggled to try and understand her experience.

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I have never been one to believe anything blindly. I have always been fairly analytical and I asked myself whether or not I had imagined this because I thought, I am a young impressionable girl. I am nervous. I am scared stiff of the dying and the dead. This is not a normal experience.

It was something she began to think she would have to learn to cope with in her nursing but hoped it would not happen too often. As the months went by, Jenny struggled with the whole experience, trying to understand what had happened. She constantly wrestled with the thought, did she actually see her or was it in her imagination? It was a different form of sight because she could see her so clearly even though her eyes were closed. Was she just young and impressionable? And if her patient was coming to say goodbye why would she show herself to a relative stranger.

Then three months later she had another experience, a response to her constant thoughts and concern about what had happened. ‘I really got this clear message.’ She described it as a mental message. It was not hearing a voice so much as receiving a telepathic communication. ‘It seemed to be external. It didn’t seem to be my own thought.’ But it was a very clear communication. ‘This is a gift. This is thanking you. I am giving you the knowledge that death is nothing to be frightened of.’ That there is something after death. It was like a light going on. Yes, that’s it. I accepted she wasn’t a figment of my imagination, she was there to give me a message. And this message was not to be frightened when I am with the dying, or when someone has died, not to feel so stressed.

The experience changed her. It shaped her life and her profession as a nurse. It influenced her work over the following forty years. She nursed hundreds of people with cancer. From that time she knew a peace of mind and freedom from fear about death and dying and carried an abiding conviction about the reality of her experience. Over the years I have sat with lots and lots of people that were dying and I really felt that I had this inner peace that I could mentally pass to them. ‘This is not a panic station. This is not a

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crisis. This is a new beginning.’ If you just mentally send those messages out, I think it helps people. In my general nursing and talking with people and they have asked questions I have been able to answer truthfully that I really believe there is something else.

Jenny was not particularly religious at the time of the experience, though she went to church occasionally, more as a type of insurance policy. Now although she sees herself as basically Christian she has lived her spirituality in her nursing and in the ways she has been with others at their time of the transition of death. She has found that most people are frightened of dying. ‘As you get older time is running out. It is scary.’ Her own experience of coming close to death nearly twenty years ago also gave her a confidence about death even though she is not ready to go yet. She remembers, ‘I felt extremely relaxed and calm and mentally ready to go. I felt totally, completely at peace. I did have this wonderful sense of well-being.’ At the edge of death she thinks that this must happen to us all, and that it is wholesome to share these experiences so that it is not so scary.

She has learnt from her experience with her patients and from being with so many who have cancer. When you are diagnosed you are scared stiff. I have nursed a lot of people. They drink gallons of carrot juice. They are going to beat this. They have always been successful in life and they are going to fight this… They are going to pay for the best medicine and all the rest of it. But in actual fact at the end they are not fighting. They realise they have to accept. They are not in control. To be in control isn’t always the best thing. You have got to trust.

Jenny is retired now. She has found recently when she feels really stressed or distressed and takes herself off to a quiet place, or even just sits in her car, ‘I have had a strong smell of eucalyptus. I don’t know what it means. It is very calming.’ She believes it is someone helping her but has no idea who it is. She wonders about it. ‘I wonder if spirits tie themselves to earth for any length of time. I would think so, if they had a message to pass on, and then they move on to better things.’ Jenny’s journey and experiences have given her a deep resource in her

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life and a security and conviction about the ongoing-ness of life. How it goes on and what happens she knows is still to be understood.

Meaning units for nature of the experience Saw ‘dead’ patient floating on top of her in shroud. Looked the same as shroud she had put her in. Looking directly at her. Face was white, hair white, pale with gentle smile. Looked similar to when she was alive, same age, same person. Absolutely terrifying, ‘scared me silly.’ Saw apparition when she closed her eyes. Appeared every day for five days at same time. Exhausting as apparition prevented her going to sleep – it would intrude into her consciousness when she closed her eyes. Was it real or imaginary – a struggle to know. Asked it to go and it went.

Mental message came from outside into her consciousness. Message very clear and external to her own thoughts. Telepathic communication. Message to say thank you, a gift, death is nothing to be frightened of. Like a light going on, confirmatory that earlier apparition was not her imagination.

Meaning units for after effects Inner peace about death and being with the dying. Conviction that death is not to be feared. Believes there is something else after death – a new beginning. Spiritually aware of life and death issues when with sick and dying. Responds to questions about death out of her experience – there is something else. Because people are scared of dying sits with them and sends her inner peace about death as a telepathic message to help them. Necessary to trust near death as not in control any longer. Peaceful experience and sense of well-being when close to own death. Spirits stay if have message to pass on and then move on to better things – an abiding conviction. Security and confidence about life after death.

Alice Alice is in her fifties. She has been an art teacher in secondary schools and is now studying for a doctorate. A creative, intuitive, down to earth person she has a grown-up son and is recently in a new relationship. She also has strong psychic

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ability. Three years ago she experienced a life-changing event. Her younger brother died suddenly and unexpectedly. He was eleven months younger and they were very different. He was more linear and left-brained, very responsible, a worrier who worked in management. They did not have a lot in common and Alice always felt some antagonism from him. He would be impatient and terse with her when they were together. It was not an easy relationship.

They did have one very enjoyable weekend together with her friend and his wife. Two weeks later, he woke up on a beautiful Sunday morning. Between getting up and going to the bathroom he developed an extraordinary headache. Within fifteen minutes he was unconscious from a cerebral aneurism. He was just fifty years of age. He was placed on life support machines at the hospital although it was clear to everyone, except his wife, Joanne, that he was not going to come out of it. His heart was beating and his body was warm, and for her it was too soon to give up. Alice came immediately to the hospital, to be with Joanne. Joanne stayed very close to her husband, talked to him, and wanted him to be touched at all times by someone so, even though unconscious, he would know they were there. Alice sat with them.

As she settled into her vigil beside the bed, she became strongly aware of the presence of her brother but not where she was expecting him. She was aware of her brother’s body in the bed, aware of her brother’s body all connected up to monitors and life support, and simultaneously aware of the presence of her brother somewhere else. It was like his presence was not in front of me (on the bed), it was beside me. His beingness was coming from a different direction than his body. It was a sense of a physical presence higher than me.

She was sitting down by the bed, and up higher than her and beside her was this palpable presence. It was an amazing moment when she realised that her brother’s ‘mind was out of his body,’ or his soul, or his beingness. She tried to

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stay still and attentive to this awareness which she found would come and go. There was a quality of quietness and stillness as she experienced his presence. Sometimes she was aware of it for quite long periods, sometimes she was not aware of it. She tried to be as still internally as she could. It contrasted with the world going on outside, the hospital, the medical staff, the body and Joanne. It was ‘the quietness of it all’ that was so significant. The amazement was mediated by this silence.

For Joanne, who was sitting and talking to her husband ‘he was still a mind inside that head she was talking to.’ For Alice it was totally different. His body had no mind or soul within it. His presence came and went. ‘It’s like if you could say you know which way the breeze is coming.’ That would be a little idea of how she knew when he was there. ‘The body did not have the animation of life within it’ was a way she tried to express it. Then she heard him speak. ‘Why is Joanne sitting with that body?’ Alice realised her brother was addressing her, in her mind, and not only that, he did not seem to know that the body was his body. She sensed his curiosity about this, and about his wife sitting with that body. She realised he really wanted to know. She mentally responded. ‘Because that’s you. That’s your body. She’s very upset and she’s trying to be with you.’

She became aware that she was feeling very strongly his shock about the knowledge he was that body. Her brother, who she was not close to, did not seem to know he was that body and was asking her about his wife. And as she looked at his body in the bed, she experienced his voice again in her mind, ‘I wouldn’t go in there.’ Instinctively she thought, ‘Why not?’ As this thought came into her mind, she began to see a picture inside her mind. He showed me what it was like inside his body’s head. What he showed me was his body’s brain. It was like I had x-ray vision through the skull. So it wasn’t diagrammatic. It was real. And he showed me the brain and this spread of blood all around it. I can still see the shape of it and where it went…I could feel the pressure as well, and that this was spreading and I could feel the ooze of it and it was filling all the cavities, it was just mush. I was really

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aware that the brain was turning to mush under this. And the whiteness of the brain mush. Not this kind of white (pointing to the white table), a gray paler than that. The texture of the brain as well, the outside as well as the inside.

She understood what her brother was trying to convey to her. Then she became aware he was trying to explain why he did not want to be part of this anymore. ‘There’s no way I’m going back in there. It’s a mess.’ Alice could not remember what the word was that he used but she knew the sense of it, that it was now just an object, like a car, or a boat that had sunk. It was clear he was telling her there was no question of going back, and there was even no desire to go back. There was also his puzzlement that she would even think that way, or expect it, and that certainly they should not hope for it.

She understood that he felt quite present to her and to Joanne, but did not link his presence with his body. She got no sense of his missing his body or of missing Joanne, he was here, she was here. What he could not yet understand was that Joanne could not hear him. Alice realised he must have been trying to say things to Joanne and she was not hearing. At one point he said, ‘She’s got to go, she shouldn’t be here. Tell her this.’ It seemed he felt she should go home and get on with her life. With a sense of shock Alice realised he thought he actually still existed in ‘our world.’ He still didn’t seem to be very clear that things had changed, in terms of relating to the people who were in bodies. He was still managing things as he always had, giving instructions as if he was there. Early on he did not seem to be aware that he was out of a body and therefore could communicate as he always had.

Was it the shock of it, the suddenness of the dislocation, the unexpectedness of the change? Was this why he had not had time to understand what had happened to him? He had got up on a sunny Sunday morning ready to go fishing. Within fifteen minutes he was, to all appearances, deeply unconscious, and not expected to return to consciousness. That was what everybody could see.

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Alice was aware how difficult it was for Joanne as she sat with her husband with his warm body and beating heart. She was not ready to believe he would not come back. Alice felt uncomfortable about her situation beside the hospital bed. They were looking at the same scene before their eyes, yet for her it was different and she felt caught in a bind. She could not explain to Joanne what was happening inside her mind. For a start she knew Joanne would not believe or understand what she was talking about. How, at this critical moment, could Joanne understand that her husband’s sister was receiving messages for her? She felt like an intruder into the intimacy of their relationship. She just could not deliver the message. What was she to do?

She felt the pressure of Luke’s insistence, of his frustration, ‘Tell her.’ He was very definite. Nothing had changed. He had always been terse, and insistent, and with little patience for his sister’s slower ways of doing things. ‘I wish she’d go home, she’s got to go, she shouldn’t be here.’ She spoke to Joanne, ‘Is this something Luke would want you to be doing? Would he want you sitting here? What would he say to you to do?’ Joanne understood what Alice was getting at, that it was too late for the sort of hope she was hanging onto. And she responded, ‘He wouldn’t like me here. He’d tell me to go home and get on with life, but I can’t.’

Alice began to work out that Joanne had to speak out loud her responses to his orders and requests. He could then hear them. Although she and her brother could communicate mind to mind, Joanne and Luke apparently could not. When Joanne said she could not go home, Alice became aware in her mind, of Luke’s mood as well as his words, of his frustration that Joanne did not understand. It was like ‘But I’m not there.’ So she tried again, feeling caught in a double bind.

When he talked to her in her mind, about his not being in there and that that was not him, she responded in her mind, ‘Well that means you’re dead because you’re not in the body.’ And he responded, ‘Oh.’ To her perception it was like news to

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him that he was dead. It was as if he felt that ‘he had a choice of the way he related and existed.’ Luke was still relating to her as he had in their earlier life. ‘He was always impatient with me. And he’d get frustrated that I would think about things more deeply, try to see the pattern in things.’

It was the frustration of having to talk through Alice to get to his wife that was causing the difficulty. There was one difference that Alice noticed. In this new state he was more willing to explain things to her. He had shown her the picture to help her understand why he was staying as he was. She felt he was treating her more as an equal. This was new. In the past if he got frustrated with her about something, he’d just shake his head and walk away. Because of her psychic ability which she used professionally for others on occasion, she was not so surprised at the contact, what was startling to her was the clarity and the conversing ‘as clearly and emphatically as this when it was about me.’ She was not a spectator, she was a player. ‘It was him talking to me and I had to respond on behalf of his loved wife. That was more extraordinary and problematical.’

Joanne believed from her Catholic faith that the soul continues. But she said to Alice, she did not know that and she could not face turning off the life support. His presence and communications became more and more infrequent. By Monday night Alice felt her brother’s presence was now quite detached from his body. The conversations had happened in the first twenty-four hours or so. Now it was like he’d turned his back almost (on his body). I know this sounds funny but there was also a sense that he couldn’t wait much longer. It was like he couldn’t wait for her to understand that he was dead and he had other things to do or other places to go or other things to think about. There was a sense of purpose, a sense of journey.

The body now had nothing to do with him and he was distressed that Joanne should be ignoring her relationship with him in favor of having it with a body. This was the critical thing. That Joanne kept sitting there with the body when he wanted her to go home, seemed to help in his awareness that he was dead. That he had

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changed. And with that awareness Alice experienced a sense of compassion coming from him.

Over the next two days they sat with the body, with the heart beating with the help of the machines, but Alice felt in a vacuum. There was a body, but the presence had gone. Alice struggled with this. Joanne held on. Tests were done to help her know there was no self-sustaining life anymore and then the doctors said he had gone. Joanne gave permission for the machines to be turned off. Alice understood she had to wait so she knew she didn’t kill him. ‘Once the body was unassisted it went to a kind of rest. It went to just matter.’

Alice found she stopped thinking about him as about to begin a journey. It was no longer like waving him on as she watched him go. No, he was already gone on his way. She thought about it in the context of what she experienced. From the sense that I have he was initially not prepared to take his freedom because he thought he was still there. Then there was a sense he had to adjust to being dead and then this awareness that he had this job to do. This is interesting. …There was no regret, there was no sense of ‘I am leaving Joanne and the kids behind.’ There was a regret that she couldn’t understand … that he couldn’t be heard by her. But once he realised that was the case, there was like a silence period when he wasn’t there, but when he came back, it was like, ‘It’s time to go…’

His personality was the same. ‘There was a real single-mindedness … that was exactly what he was like. Except he tended to explain things more.’ This meant a great deal to Alice because that was what she had never experienced from him, that he would take the time to explain, so that she could understand. Since that time Alice notices she has forgotten some things. The ones she shared were clearly remembered because they were so significant, so graphic and had multi- dimensional experiences in them like looking into his brain. It was his first conversation with me and it related to Joanne so it was a very full conversation. Also the vision that he showed me of inside his head was verified later by a doctor. When he explained to us what had actually happened, what were the physical effects, his description several days later was exactly what I saw in Luke’s

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head. That was another reason for it to be anchored so strongly. There were a lot more but it’s hard to remember particular ones over that period of time. And yet he was there a lot. Not all the time by any means. He was there a while and then he’d leave, arrive and then he’d leave.

It changed her thinking about death. There is this theory that they turn into an enlightened soul as soon as they are dead. That they have a whole knowledge that they can give to people. Well, that was plainly not true. It was very clear he was different but he was the same. His difference was in his relationship to his environment and not so much his personality. So his personality and the way he managed things were still him. His relationship to his environment had changed. He hadn’t come to terms with that.

It has changed her thinking about the grieving for those we are close to or related to. She believes that the process of grief is really a selfish one, in that we grieve for what we miss, lost opportunities, or unresolved issues, or whatever it is. This was her sadness. From the reality of her experiences ‘they are not dead as in dead end, they are not gone.’ In that painful time she cared for Joanne, and since then, because ‘I’ve had that extra information,’ she keeps an eye on her and when she is feeling very down, she tries to assure her about him. ‘I’m sure he’s okay.’ Alice knows that he is, ‘but I don’t think she would be ready to hear the conversation of my reality. I don’t think she’d accept it and I’m not prepared to tell her.’ She still feels a sense of responsibility towards Joanne because of her ability ‘to talk across the walls’ and because she knows that Joanne is still grieving

Spiritually the experience with her brother made her think about life from a larger perspective and with that has come a realisation that God is ‘the capacity to embrace all of this.’ Her sense of God was reconfirmed and expanded. She now realises that some things do not matter as much and her priorities have changed. Work holds a smaller place. Beauty, being passionate about life, enjoyment of life, and finding ways of being happy are more important.

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There have been three deaths for her in the last three years, her brother, her mother and a much-loved aunt. Each of these times of grief and loss has contributed to her looking at the relativity of many of her experiences in the light of a bigger picture encompassing here and hereafter. Now she wants to live her own truth, and not be tied to duty or ‘have to’s.’ There is a greater freedom that she is beginning slowly to live into. Paradoxically as she is doing this she is becoming more of a learner about life, and life becomes smaller and simpler than before and there is less need to be a high flyer. Homely things have become more significant and each day is rich as she has come to honor her own experiences more deeply. But it has not been an easy time for her.

Meaning units for nature of the experience Sensed brother’s ‘beingness’, mind, in physical space beside and above her, not in his body. A quality of quietness and stillness in the experience. Stayed still inside herself to be receptive. Mind to mind communication with brother. Received image in mind of inside the brain of brother as brother appeared to see it from his out of body place. Awareness of brothers feelings and thoughts about his experience of separation. from body and his growth of understanding about what was happening to him over time. Aware brother could not read wife’s thought but could respond to her thought statements. Clear and emphatic two-way conversation. Communication frequent at first then became less and less frequent. Aware brother had same personality. Aware brother was learning to relate to new environment. Eventually aware her brother ready to move on.

Meaning units for after effects Changed thinking about death – still have same personality when out of body, still learning. Changed thinking about grieving process – essentially self centered. Not prepared to share experience as it would not be believed by wife. Role of support for Pam felt responsible for her. Confirmed view of reality that there is not such a division between bodily life and life after death - individuated energy continues to exist. Reconfirmed concept of God as capacity to embrace all of this. Necessity to think bigger about life.

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Change of priorities – certain things don’t matter as much as other things. Work holds a smaller place, beauty, being passionate about life, to enjoy life, to find a way of being happy are more important. Three deaths in two years – brother, mother and loved aunt. Have to do what you think is important to live own truth, not because of duty or have to’s. Greater willingness to give up need to be a high flyer – life gets smaller and more whole. Become more a learner about life. Home, keep the things that matter, use them in a fitting manner. Not just having experiences but honoring them. Ability ‘to talk across the walls’ seen as way to help Pam who is still grieving because of own experience. Each day is rich. Wonders about equanimity.

Marianne Marianne’s sister died after four years and four months of a progressive cancer at the age of fifty-one. She was married and stayed at home until the end. Her two sisters, one of whom was Marianne, cared for her in her home during the last two weeks and she was only in hospital for two days. She was a person who was very proud of her appearance and kept herself looking as good as she could until the end. By the time they took her to the hospital she was in a drug-induced coma, and did not really recover consciousness again.

The night she died Marianne went back to the hospital about one o’clock in the morning, and her son went with her. He insisted that he would come. At about twenty-past three she was sitting with her sister when she got up to go to the toilet area and all of a sudden she felt her just (pass) through her. It was from the top down, the feeling, as though I had a sudden drop in blood pressure. That’s the only thing I can liken it to – but it wasn’t like it. And I knew, I knew, I just knew it was her. I said, ‘She’s going, she’s going’… Then I said, ‘It’s going to be alright.’ And I felt it. I felt physically that it was alright. It was just …it was not anxious, not desperate. I felt Jill go through me, it’s the only way I can say it. I knew she had gone from herself. She had left. The sense of it being okay was the most profound sense I think I have ever had. It was just beautiful.

I actually thought I was going to lose continence when it happened. It was a deep sense, like water, and that feeling of the

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water going down through me – hollow. It was as though somebody had grabbed my soul and given it a wrench. I didn’t feel as if I was going anywhere though. It was a scrunch. I actually in that second, went ‘Ah!!!’ I don’t know if it was because I was concerned with the operation (which she had had a few months previously).

It had been an intensely physical experience, almost with a fear that her body could manage it. And it brought a flooding of tears to her eyes. And yet she used the word soul to describe the experience also as she tried to explain the feelings that surrounded it.

And now, in these last moments, her son who was holding his aunt’s hand said to her, ‘Mum, come around and hold her hands.’ She does not know why he said that to her but it was after her own experience of Jill passing through her. So she did and she found Jill wasn’t dead in a physical sense. She describes then how she talked to her and told her how much she loved her and about all the good things they did together and she got a lovely little smile on her face. ‘ So I knew she was there. It was over. And I knew it would be alright. I was just holding her. It was lovely.’

Marianne shared that earlier, when they knew there was not much time left, and Jill would not talk about it, ‘I did talk to her in some of the dark times about angels.’ I said to her that I believed in angels. And I do. We decided we didn’t want any of those squishy ones. We wanted really good- looking ones. ... half a dozen, not just one or two. And that’s what I talked about (again) when she was going. That’s when she got that little smile. She died beautifully.

She shared too how her son felt. Len said to me. ‘Mum, as long as I live I will never ever doubt. Never ever doubt.’ I asked her what he meant by that. She responded. That there is life after death. That Jill went somewhere. Just to be there and what was happening. He said he didn’t actually see

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anything. He said he could just feel this great sense of connectedness as it was going on, and he said he could feel this peace.

She struggles to explain the effects of the experience . It was quite daunting. I can’t even really describe it. But then when I knew it was alright, I could almost sense her playfulness. I knew it. Just in that moment she passed. Not mischievous, but more, ‘Heh, I’m alright. I’m fine, its okay.’ But it was really more profound even than that. I just knew that not only was she okay, but I was okay. And that everyone would be okay... I wasn’t prepared for that. I don’t even have a need to go to her graveside. She’s not there. It was a really beautiful life-changing experience.

She believes the bonds of closeness and love between them had something to do with it. ‘We were close, very close.’ The other part of the experience was the sense of knowing that came with it. ‘It is just going to be ...it is fine, it is fine … whatever Jill stepped into is okay.’ What is the sense of stepping out into the unknown? Will we really fall off the end of the world? Are we really going to be sitting on clouds with harps? Or, is there nothing at all? Is it all one huge joke? I don’t know what it is. And it’s fine. And I will never fear dying. I won’t fear dying.

Marianne brings together her thoughts about what she now understands about judgment and all the rules she has tried to keep during her life. There is room for all life’s experiences, even those of the shadow side. No one will be interested in whether my good deeds tot up against my bad deeds. I tend to think there is a far gentler dealing with our soul than we have been led to believe. And there is a far gentler dealing with our wholeness. I think I have been duped. (She laughs).

She talked about a growing sense of wholeness and integration that has come into her life as she has come to accept and own more of herself. She believes this has come in some measure because of her age and life stage. Alongside this she attributes a significant amount of the shift to her experience of four long hard

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years with Jill and her cancer, and most of all to the experience at the moment of her dying, her transition. I’ve always believed we could not be put on this earth for seventy years or whatever just to be discarded. We are much more than just compost material. I just know that. That there is life after. And I know that it’s joyous.

She feels that the experience has ‘freed up a lot of stuff.’ When she reflects now on what that means as she lives into the aftermath of her experience, she says she has become more whole as a person. She laughs as she says, ‘Jill didn’t conform to anything.’ Yet she knows Jill is fine now. When she would worry about things that she might have said or done, Jill would laugh and tell her not to worry about it. ‘I’ll give you absolution’ she would say. She would just love her and in Jill’s eyes she couldn’t do anything wrong. For Marianne, Jill was beautiful and courageous right to the end. Life was about really living within the lines… I just feel I’m much freer. I was a great one for suits. Everything had to be just right. I’m finding myself much more comfortable in softer materials. Maybe it’s a growing up thing – maybe I would have come to it anyway. I don’t know.

She said the whole experience had been life-changing, particularly around her faith. She has struggled with her faith and her beliefs. She says she has battled with her own faith journey. Because of her commitment to a role in education she has grappled with her beliefs and what she models in her role. She believes in Church in principle and the genuine goodness that is there. It is the aspect of the rules and regulations, what she calls ‘organized church,’ which has lost its sense of the spiritual for her. She now feels that her faith journey grows stronger, but bubbles along underneath the organisational side. Her sister, unlike herself was never really involved in the organizational church, but was a ‘fairly spiritual person’ in her own way. She would not talk about dying, only about staying. Up until the last two weeks she made herself look as beautiful as she could, wearing her full make-up.

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As with others who have shared their stories there is sometimes a pattern of unusual psychic experiences that have either preceded or followed a deep experience of communication with a loved one who has died. Marianne is such a person. She shared some other experiences and their connection with her experience of her sister. There was the story of the cat, an experience she had as a young person. A friend had asked her to look after the cat while the family was away over a weekend. They did not ring and tell her they were going or finalise arrangements about the cat. So she went down anyway with her mother and looked through the curtains. She could see the cat sitting on the bed. She was distressed that they had left the cat locked inside over that time. When the family returned she visited them to find why they had not contacted her. The woman apologised and said that they did not call her as the cat had been run over by a car not long before they left and they had had to bury her.

There was her father. She was married and living in a small flat and was pregnant with her first child. She would often get up in the night to go to the bathroom. As she went past she could feel her father’s presence in the dining room. Her father had died sometime prior to this. I never went and looked. I just knew. It’s a feeling I suppose. It’s a sureness. Not every night. But I would get a sense of him sometimes during that pregnancy. Don’t know how to say I knew. I just knew. I wasn’t frightened. To be frank I was a bit annoyed because I didn’t get on very well with Dad from childhood. Like how dare you put your nose in now.

There was her grandmother. She remembers the night very close to the end of her pregnancy when she came back to her husband and said, ‘I can feel Nana there.’ This was her father’s mother who she loved, a beautiful, strong and energetic woman, who loved her too. She was upset by this so she rang her mother to check. Her mother said, ‘No, Nana’s fine.’ So she just put it down to being fanciful. Sometime later she got a call to say Nana had died. In fact she was told later that her Nana had died in her own home three or four days earlier and nobody had realised. She believes now it was Nana coming to touch base and say

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everything is okay. She did not feel that with her father. She thinks now that maybe ‘Dad was seeking some sort of reconciliation. I think that’s what he was doing and I wasn’t open to it.’

She says she can speak of these experiences differently now. The experience with her sister validated these other unusual experiences that she had experienced earlier in her life but had never really acknowledged to herself. I think it has actually validated a lot of the other stuff. I am so sure about what happened to me standing there next to Jill. There was no room for, did it or didn’t it happen. Was it because I had just woken up that I saw or heard this? Am I over-dramatizing what happened? Does memory serve me? There’s none of that. There’s a clarity about it that says the other stuff is valid in some way. There’s a clarity there … almost a permission if you like, for me to immerse in it a bit.

She spoke then about accepting other strange things that happen to her still. ‘I don’t quite know what to call them. It sounds very grand when you say psychic phenomena. But I do not doubt there’s an afterlife.’ Marianne explains that even though she has had a number of psychic experiences she would still have doubted there was an afterlife, but since her experience with Jill she has no doubts. She is still not sure what it is but she knows it will be okay, and that ‘it will be joyous.’ I spoke to her again some months after our first interview. She appreciated what I had written and did not need to add any more. However she said she was only now beginning to grieve for her sister’s absence in her life. The power of her experience at the time of Jill’s death, and the sense of Jill’s joy in ongoing life, had helped her greatly in the early days of her loss but now she is realising how much she still misses the physical presence of her dear sister. She knows they will be together again.

Meaning units for nature of the experience Physical feeling of something passing through her from top down. Something had left the physical body of her sister? Like a sudden drop in BP. Momentary anxiety about incontinence, as sensation was so powerful.

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Involuntary exclamation “”Aah” and tears. Startling, daunting, overwhelming, a wrenching of the soul feeling. Not anxious or desperate. Knew sister was leaving the body. Profound feeling of okay, for her sister, herself and everyone. Connection to playfulness of sister’s presence outside the body. Connection to sister still in body afterwards holding her and aware of a small smile as talked to her. Knew she was there and it was over. Knew it was alright.

Meaning units for after effects Knowing whatever her sister stepped into is okay. No fear of dying. No fear of judgment about good and bad deeds, a gentle dealing with our souls. Freer to be herself and allow other parts to emerge – does not have to conform and live within the lines. Feeling of being duped (about the rules). Has grown in herself feels more whole and integrated. Knows there is a life hereafter and it is joyous. Changed clothing style to softer and more comfortable. Spiritual journey important - not connected to rules and regulations and ‘organizational Church’ – bubbles along underneath. Trusts prior psychic experiences as genuine though not necessarily confirmatory of afterlife. Experience of sister confirmatory of afterlife.

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Reflection The living, after the death of loved ones, recognise the need to let go, and to reinvest in their world in new ways. They know it may be a long journey. What is extraordinary is that, for those who shared their stories, there came the startling and surprising realisation that their loved ones were continuing to communicate interest and involvement in their everyday lives. So strong was this realisation that, as the stories have conveyed, it affected powerfully their ongoing lives.

The dying too struggle with letting go. Death becomes a process of detachment from the concerns, investments, and connections with this world. There is a sense of labouring into death that is a reminder of the labour that is involved in coming into birth. The dying must let go of their old way of life. Even though the deceased in this study let go, the reports of participants demonstrate how they continued to show ongoing interest in, and connection with, their old life.

The exchanges of love and care, the honoring of deeply significant connections, the warmth of characteristic reminders of the personality of a loved one are generally present as essential qualities of the deeply human nature of the experience of ADC. The experiences are true to the whole sense of meaning invested in our most significant relationships. That this meaning can be carried so impressively across the transition of death is what makes the reported experiences so startling and extraordinary. There is a resonance with our all too human and complex loves and struggles in daily living as they are attended to and given deeper significance. They are often healed.

The relationship is perceived as very different from how it was before the death of the loved one even though something of its essential nature continues. The ADC does not provide an experience of mutual relating. The initiating of the experience does not come from the bereaved, they have little or no control over the experiences, their nature or their length. These lived experiences are ‘out of the blue’ and unexpected. The extraordinary and paranormal nature of the

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communications highlights the difference in the character of the new relationship between the bereaved and the deceased.

These amazing stories have illustrated the journeys undertaken by the participants as they experienced successive encounters. In some cases there were also intimations of ongoing journeys undertaken by loved ones. The participants were relieved to know others were sharing stories like theirs. As very few had shared their experiences none were aware of the research that had already been done and the books that had been published in the popular press.

I shared with them what I had written from their transcribed interviews. They were affirmed, pleased and often surprised that I had picked up so well the essence of what they had shared. ‘It captured it very well. I think that’s why I got upset. I really don’t want to let go’ (Shirley). ‘I felt humbled when I read it’ (Jean-Marie). ‘I was amazed. It was quite strange to read because I thought you got it so well. It took me right back, right to it. Straight away’ (Gillian). ‘It was a very emotional time. Authenticity and integrity you have encased in this recording of my experience, thanks’ (Carla). ‘It’s quite interesting to see a very personal experience analysed like this, but it’s rather nice … it’s a bit like looking at a painting someone else has done of a landscape you know really, really well, and it’s in a frame ... I think you’ve caught the sense of it really well’ (Jan). ‘It’s wonderful, you have chronicled it for me’ (Marianne).

In the next chapter I elucidate the themes that emerged from the stories. Because it is an important principle in phenomenology not to separate the discussion of the topic from the telling of the stories, I tried to retain a link between them. The stories provided a way of seeing the phenomena within the participants’ own lifeworlds. As each theme is discussed I illustrate it with ADCs from the stories. My hope is that this will keep alive the link between the stories and the discussion, and ensure that the amazing quality of the experiences is not lost.

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Chapter Seven The ADC Experience: Themes and Relationship with Previous Research

What are we to make of these extraordinary experiences? Clearly the participants have had remarkable encounters that have affected them profoundly. It was important to do justice to these people and their stories. Fortunately the phenomenological methodology enabled me to do this. The encounters take us on an amazing pilgrimage that extends from the time of death of loved ones to many years later. There is a growth in understanding for the participants as the experiences, reflected upon and lived out, convey an amazing sense of continuation of relationship that endures between them and their departed loved ones. The participants also illustrate in different ways something about the journeys of the departing spirits of their loved ones from the time of their passing over to later times in their after-life journeys. As I worked with the themes patterns emerged within each theme which portrayed the theme and also the unique qualities of each person’s experiences.

I immersed myself deeply in the stories and after a period of time I read them again, slowly, encountering them freshly as if for the first time. I became aware yet again that the participants had been taken out of an everyday world of ordinary experience into an unanticipated world that bridged the death of their loved one and provided an experience of connection. The encounters became deeply affecting human experiences that startled, amazed, and according to their own unique responses, influenced and changed them. Their sharing described how their worlds were never quite the same again

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Each participant had at least one major experience that was powerful and unexpected. Visual and energetic experiences were particularly impactful. At the time of the experiences the participants were engaged in a variety of everyday activities. There was no restriction as to when the experiences could occur. Some encounters were during the day or in the evening when lights were on. Others were at night or in the morning coming out of sleep, or in the dream-state while sleeping.

The seven themes that emerged demonstrate the essential constituents that were present over the range of different types of experiences and reflected their human, extraordinary and paranormal nature. I identified the themes in a stepwise process by first extracting the meaning units from each story. I then assembled them into groups that had similar elements and described both the nature of the experiences and the after-effects. Firstly with the spouses, parents and other relationships and then with the whole group I separated out the constant elements. After being satisfied the constant elements were present within the different types of experiences, I drew out the themes and named them. As the seven themes emerged and I explored them more deeply I gained a new and more rounded understanding of the essential nature of the ADC experience and its effects that was very satisfying.

I discuss the themes and illustrate them using the experiences of the participants. I demonstrate too how they are generally congruent with ADCs in previous research. I show where there are divergences and nuances in the literature that differ from my understanding of the themes.

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Theme One: Startling The communication is unexpected, startling. It intrudes into ordinary experience in different ways.

The first theme highlights the startling nature of the experiences. Many different words are used to express this theme. Words like strange, weird, terrifying, vivid, frightening, powerful, stressful, unbelievable, disorienting, mysterious, electrical, surprising, amazing, profound and wonderful were used. The sense of something extraordinary intruding into ordinary reality changed forever the participants’ sense that ordinary everyday life was totally predictable and had set boundaries for what was possible. The experiences, initiated by the deceased were totally unexpected. Participants had no control over when the experience happened or how long it lasted.

The impact of the first moment of the first and/or most significant experience seems particularly important. It is the moment of breakthrough from somewhere else into everyday consciousness. For most participants it provided an unimaginable experience. There was no concrete base out of which such an experience could be thought about other than in terms of belief from a religious tradition or from some innate spiritual understanding. The ADC experience was a great shock, even if a welcome one, because of its unexpected entry into the everyday. As the recipients tried to describe what happened the sense was this was something that they could not fully explain in ordinary language. There was still something elusive about it, something that was not quite captured by their words. Some participants who had a number of such experiences described a growing familiarity with them and hoped they would continue. An empathic ‘tuning in’ to the experiences allowed the power of them to speak.

Judy was shocked and disturbed the night before her mother’s funeral, ‘I had a tremendous pressure on my chest. It was almost like I had swallowed something.’ She could not bring herself to tell anyone about it the next day. It had been too weird. Her sense of being startled was not because she did not believe it was

232 possible to experience her mother in some way, it was the strangeness of the type of experience.

Gillian’s experience of being startled by the totally unexpected sense of her mother was in part because she did not believe there was anything after death. She experienced ‘tingly feelings’ and saw a picture of her mother ‘sitting in a tree as a younger woman.’ She found it very strange that her mother would manifest herself in this way night after night. It was difficult for her to explain how she actually ‘saw’ her mother. It was not the same as her normal seeing.

Jan’s experience was startling because it intruded into her already fully occupied mind which was engaged in driving a car and worrying about being late. There was a voice, a touch on the shoulder and an unfolding image of her mother showing her a time together in childhood days. It was a strange and unexpected, powerful and multi-faceted experience. And it was one she only understood later in the day when she heard her mother had died.

Laura in the middle of grief and its disorientation was packing shelves in a supermarket when she suddenly felt a finger run down her cheek. She was startled, yet somehow knew it was her mother’s touch. So new and so surprising was the experience that she knew she would have to move on from where she was ‘because they would not have understood.’ This unexpected quality was even more startling for Linda and Helen who were going about their daily tasks. For Helen the gate suddenly flew open as she was hanging clothes on the line. That was astonishing, but when it was combined with seeing her husband of three years ago standing smiling at her, it left her frozen with amazement. Another experience a few months later was even more startling and absolutely terrifying also. ‘It was so physical.’ She felt a kiss and an arm around her in the middle of the night when she was on her own at home.

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Linda’s office door creaked and she looked up. Her father was standing there looking better than he had looked for twenty years. What was startling for Linda was that it felt normal in the moment of the experience. It was only when she ‘woke up’ a few minutes later that she realised with a sense of shock ‘that something very weird’ had happened. Charles woke abruptly from dozing in front of the TV. In the abruptness of his waking he was confronted by the unbelievable. His wife was standing, looking at him intently. ‘I was stopped in my tracks. …. there was an aura just reaching out and just held the two of us. The room lights were on and I was wide-awake.’ The sense of being awake to the experience carried a particular quality of wide-awakeness that was surprising. It was the detail of remembering all the qualities and physical characteristics of an experience that only lasted about ten seconds. Remembering details, even small ones, was a common characteristic of most of the experiences. It seems as though the experience imprints itself more deeply on the mind.

Each experience has a quality of unexpectedness. The inventiveness of the ways that deceased loved ones apparently choose to make themselves present makes this theme particularly notable. Gates open, doors creak, living breathing pictures are presented to the mind, voice energies and physical energies intrude into the mental and physical spaces of the recipients. Eyes receive what seem to be solid apparitions of loved ones, ears hear real voices, minds hear messages telepathically, noses smell perfumes and roses, and dreams carry a multitude of modalities within them.

The dream-state ADCs felt very real for the dreamers. The familiar setting of the bedroom was the context for many of the dreams. Some of Shirley’s and Bernadette’s dreams were lucid dreams. Shirley saw her husband standing beside the bed and ‘knew it was a dream’ when she asked for a kiss and a cuddle. What was extraordinary and startling to her upon waking was recalling the experience of one part of herself watching another part of herself get out of bed and go to her husband to receive the cuddle. Bernadette in her dream could feel the solid

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presence of her husband’s body in the bed. These ordinary experiences from the past intruded into the dream state and provided, even in the dream, unexpected and astonishing resonances.

Discussion The startling nature of these experiences was always a factor. Even when there was a second or third experience the strength of the intrusion into ordinary experience seemed to provide a continuing element of surprise. The recipient continued to be amazed, startled and even terrified. Intrusive, upsetting, scared stiff, frightening were words used. Later the experiences, upon reflection, were also described as reassuring, comforting, awesome, amazing and wonderful.

I found the latter response to an ADC was reported more frequently in other research than the startling element or shock (though not necessarily fear) as the automatic response to the unexpected. Combing through the different studies I did find some reference to this aspect in individual accounts. However the unexpected nature and shock of the ADC experience at the moment of its first entry into ordinary experience has not been commented upon very often. Perhaps it has been taken for granted or perhaps in this new field of research which brings comfort to the bereaved, there is a shying away from reporting this side of the experience. Drewry comments in her study of the ADC phenomenon that ‘ADC experiences occur along a continuum of intensity and emotional impact. They can be uneventful and unemotional; sometimes frightening or disturbing’ (2003, p.75). In the accounts from my participants I also found a continuum of intensity and emotional impact but I did not find that they were uneventful or unemotional. They were all remembered and recounted as significant, some were more emotionally charged than others.

Martin & Romanowski do report in the introduction to their study that while the vast majority find their experience positive ‘only a few were comfortable in its immediate aftermath. For most it was a puzzling, disorienting, confusing, even

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frightening time’ (1997, p. xxi). This is not something one is generally aware of in reading many of the other reports. Wright (2002) who described herself at the time of her experience as an agnostic and her deceased husband, Paul, as an atheist wrote tellingly about her first ADC experience. A light turned itself on and then flashed strangely as if in response to the conversation she and her son were having. At first it was incomprehensible. ‘That’s weird,’ Keith said. We looked at each other bemused. Nothing like this had ever happened since Paul bought that lamp several years before (Wright 2002, p. 3).

There is an element of shock, bewilderment and surprise but not fear. Perhaps lights flashing are not as surprising or frightening as some other phenomena such as apparitions and visionary experiences. The extent of the reaction may depend upon the particular type of experience. In this study the first experiences, or the very remarkable ones, carried the strongest element of shock in that first moment. Drewry comments in her research that ‘all ADCs were described as ultimately beneficial even if initially frightening’ (2003, p. 78). Devers commented that her participants said ‘the feelings were indescribable but they did not evoke fear. Many said the experience was like no other they had ever had’ (1994, p. 67). Whitney surveyed the range of feelings expressed. She found the total number of positive feelings experienced by all recipients was thirty-five as opposed to seventeen negative. When she looked at the pattern of negative feelings she found that five were scared during the contact and three of these also felt happy and/or blessed (1992, p. 50). It is not surprising that the startling and unexpected produces scared feelings.

In most of the other research this startling aspect is not prominent. Types of experiences, how often they occurred (Haraldsson 1988; Olsen et al. 1981; Rees 1971) and the mostly positive (sometimes negative or ambivalent) feelings that were experienced and expressed was more focused upon (Devers 1994; Guggenheim 1995; LaGrand 1997; Whitney 1992).

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Myers, writing about Phantasms of the Dead (1886), comments on the effect on people who hear about these phenomena from others. We sometimes hear men ridicule the phenomena which do actually happen, simply because the phenomena do not suit their preconceived notions of what ghostly phenomena ought to be - not perceiving that this very divergence, this very unexpectedness, is in itself no slight indication of an origin outside the minds which obviously were so far from anticipating anything of the kind (1992 p. 174).

Charles was amazed at the change in his wife’s appearance from excess weight, jaundice and lines of pain in her face. ‘Her facial appearance was of one in first class health, she was extraordinarily content.’ Myers comments in his study of apparitional experiences: (It) does in a certain sense tend to show these apparitions are not purely subjective things - do not originate merely in the percipient’s imagination. For they are not like what any man would have imagined (1992, p. 174).

Drewry (2003) identified Spontaneity as her first theme in her phenomenological study of ADC and its role in the recovery of bereaved individuals. She saw this factor of spontaneity as establishing authenticity for the ADC because it was unexpected. However I would see the quality of spontaneity, and the qualities of startling and unexpected, as I have used them in this research as conveying valid but different nuances to the experience. The startling and unexpected qualities have more power in their naming. The person is more disturbed by them than by something that is merely spontaneous.

The different ways in which the experiences intrude into ordinary experience are woven throughout the discussion of the themes. A more succinct study of the types of ADCs in the sample and a comparison with the literature is given in the Appendix B.

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Theme Two: Authentic

The recipient is aware that the deceased is present. Familiar characteristics authenticate the deceased’s presence.

This theme highlights the presence of the deceased and participants’ surety concerning the authenticity of their experience of their loved one. Participants were able to describe in great detail, and often with delight, qualities and physical characteristics their loved ones portrayed which were known and familiar. The deceased made their presence felt in a variety of ways and modalities as the first theme identified. But it was the intimacy of experiencing something familiar, sometimes quite private, to the individual that gave the bereaved person such a sense of the authenticity of the experience. It was as though the sense of surprise and shock demonstrated in the first theme was mediated by the heart-warming sense of the familiar demonstrated in this second theme.

One of the significant factors in this study is the high proportion of visual experiences in apparitions, visions and dreams. All but one of the participants had at least one visual experience and sixteen of the eighteen participants clearly recognised their loved one in these experiences. The deceased were also recognised through other experiences that participants shared. A sense of presence, auditory experiences, senses of smell and touch, and synchronicities were also confirmatory of the authenticity of the experience.

Helen spoke about ‘the same old shabby shorts’ that she recognised her husband wearing and the familiar grin. Even the terrifying kiss was familiar. It was the same as the way he used to kiss her. Charles was overwhelmed by the appearance of his wife in the paisley frock he had known and loved thirty years earlier. Finding a photo of her in the same dress taken many years before warmed his heart. Bernadette suddenly became aware of a presence and a voice in her mind ‘I am here.’ And after a pause, ‘Don’t worry about money.’ It was terrifying but was mediated by the familiarity of what had been so worrying, what her husband

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had always attended to and what she was now trying to work out. There was absolutely no room for doubt about his presence in the room.

Judy saw her mother in a dream in her familiar dressing gown and Jan heard her mother say ‘Remember’ as she showed her the goslings that had been part of their earlier life together. Carla’s mother appeared in a vision of light at the end of the bed. She woke in the night to ‘a light, a ray of light around,’ and a figure of light within the light which she ‘knew’ was her mother. This was something she had never even imagined and the experience carried a stillness, a sense of quiet, which seemed to be of a quite different order to the stillness which might describe ordinary experience. There was something very wonderful about it but the familiar and comforting characteristics were the most significant, ‘Well, you don’t have to worry, I’m quite happy and I’m safe.’ This was truly her mother. These were words her mother used and the words were used the way her mother used them.

Rodicca had a series of unusual experiences in a relationship she was in. ‘During intercourse… this black cat would flash and be slap bang in the face with green eyes.’ The relationship ended and the black cat stopped flashing. Some months later when they resumed the relationship the cat returned. Her husband had a black cat that he really liked and she came to realise that he was using this form of presence to warn her about the relationship. She had no other association to a black cat other than her husband’s favorite pet. This authenticated her experience for her. She took great comfort from knowing she was being protected and warned about her relationships.

Jean-Marie, after twenty-six years, suddenly felt solidly in bed her husband’s bodily presence and his familiar way of being with her, ‘Move up there, you’re taking up all the bed again.’ It does suggest there is a strong connection between the closeness of the relationship and a care to mediate the shock with something familiar and recognizable. These presences of the deceased were recognised

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through the senses in different states of consciousness, either fully awake, in a relaxed or alpha state or in a dream state.

Other experiences of presence, described as intuitive, also provide a clear awareness that the deceased is present. In these experiences it was often the familiar places where the experiences occurred that were significant. Bernadette ‘felt’ her husband’s presence beside her for a few minutes when she was standing in church one Sunday morning. ‘I felt if I reached out I could put my hand over his on the back rail of the seat in front of me.’ Shirley described a similar experience of feeling the ‘presence’ of her husband behind the chair. There’s a draft or something, whatever it is, and I turn around and put my hand on his, because he used to just stand behind me …he used to put his hands on the back of the chair and he’d say, ‘Like a cup of tea, chick?’ It almost as if you feel it at different times.

Marlene recognised her son’s presence three months after the funeral. She was in the kitchen preparing a meal. The sense of presence was striking. Marlene’s extreme grief was lifted by knowing her son was there and making contact with her. ‘I knew he was with me. There was a completely different feeling in the room. It was like an electric sort of feeling, a knowing I wasn’t in the room alone. An absolute definite knowing.’

Discussion The high proportion of visual experiences made the presence of the deceased very clear and authentic to the participants in this study. However the other experiences of presence through auditory experiences, smell, touch, and intuitive sense of presence, not surprisingly, were also strongly confirmatory and characteristic of the deceased for the participants.

It was not possible to compare the frequency of the visual experience compared with other experiences as an identifier of the deceased in recent studies. Devers (1994), Drewry (2003), and Whitney (1992) do not give details about the

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frequency of the different types of experiences but do show that the authenticity of the deceased is known through the characteristics of their presence. Whitney noted in her study: Percipients rarely question who contacted them or whether the deceased was really present. … Sometimes they looked the same, were dressed or sounded the way they did in life. In other cases the percipients recognised the familiar energy of the deceased (1992, p. 71).

Devers (1994) found that many times the recognition was an unconscious process that was made conscious after talking about it. Simple things like a touch, a smell, or a feeling let them know that this was the person who had died. Cues and contexts also helped determine the truth of the experience. In dreams the same sense of recognition was present. In this study the recognition in dreams was usually clearly described. Shirley gave her picture of her husband standing beside the bed in great detail. Bernadette noticed ‘the hollow in his shoulder’ and the way the freckles stood out on her husband’s face.

Reading the stories of ADC communication in other writings (Guggenheim 1995; Martin and Romanoswki 1997; LaGrand 1997, 2001) I found many experiences where the deceased loved one’s presence was authenticated by the characteristics portrayed and described by the bereaved. The inventiveness of the deceased is striking in the variety of the ways in which they get their message across. One account tells about Laurie and her closest friend’s father, Bert. Before he died Bert indicated he was very fearful to pass over. So we talked about it in depth and he gradually released his fear. Then I asked him to let me know after he passed over if everything was as we had discussed. I asked this not only for myself but for my mother who was also very fearful about death. For some time I had been playing a music tape for Bert from the movie Out of Africa and it became his favorite. He promised the music would come back to me in a way I would know it was not my imagination.

About two weeks after Bert died, my mother was visiting me. All of a sudden in the early hours of the morning, I found myself standing in the upstairs hallway. Mother had come out of her

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bedroom too. We were staring at each other wondering, ‘what on earth is happening?’ We suddenly realised that the stereo downstairs was turned on as loud as it could go. And the music from Out of Africa was playing! There was nobody else in the house who could have turned it on. Mother had double-checked everything before bedtime. Bert had waited until mother and I were together, and from then on her fears of death were gone. (Guggenheim 1997, p. 200).

Drewry (2003) found in her study that cues for recognition were present and reinforced the authenticity, ‘I knew it was him because he called me by my given name and everybody else calls me Penny’(p. 79). This could be compared to Charles experience of his wife’s dress in this study. Devers found participants identified ‘personal physical cues by which they could recognise the deceased and thus validate the reality of the deceased’ (1994, p. 85). She also noted that recognizing context was important, for example when the deceased’s presence was felt in a familiar place. Wright (2002) gives examples of blinking lights, telephones and radios that behaved in ways that were recognised by recipients as characteristic of the deceased. Telephones and radios, but not blinking lights were experienced by three of my participants. Rodicca woke up to her telephone ringing a number of times but when she was fully awake it was not ringing. The Guggenheim (1995) research reported on fifty telephone ADCs collected. They suggest the deceased ‘can seemingly manipulate electrical energy to achieve this type of communication.’ (1995, p. 194). Marlene, at times that were significant, heard a particular song playing on the radio. Songs were very important cues for recognising presence for Marlene and for Shirley. They turned up unexpectedly just at the right moment.

Other synchronicities that occurred in this study and served to reinforce authenticity were crows that came at unexpected times and places for Rodicca, and the experience of a banging of the side of her bed quite often in the early months of bereavement for Helen. For Shirley a door, that her husband would close in a particular way, closed in this way for no reason. Jean-Marie, with her family in their new home, heard the front door open although she knew she had

242 locked it. The dog began to wag its tail at something in the room that could not be seen by the family. The children heard the doors to their bedrooms open and close in the night.

The participants attributed these experiences to their deceased loved one. They were a sign of presence, of continuing contact, reminder moments that ‘spoke’ to them in different ways. These types of experiences are reported frequently and are convincing to those who receive them. LaGrand found people shared a variety of hard-to-explain events. Obviously, stories like these are not only prime candidates for the ‘coincidence bin’ but they often cast doubt on the veracity of those who tell the story. Nevertheless, time and time again, as I speak to those who have witnessed such unusual phenomena, I cannot deny their sincerity and convictions (1997, p. 117).

Intuitive experiences that bring a sense of presence are no less convincing to the recipients and are one of the most frequently reported encounters of the bereaved. Intuition, described as a direct form of knowing has no association with the senses as we are accustomed to using them. It is a direct knowing unmediated by any rational process. Those who shared intuitive experiences of the deceased found that the feel of ‘presence’ came without warning, it was there, it was a direct perception. There was no reasoning process involved. It was not a sensory experience yet there was no doubt about its reality. Bernadette, Marlene and Linda all described powerful experiences of presence. These experiences also bring a powerful sense of love and care to the recipients. LaGrand has found, based on his interviews that ‘all who sense the presence of the deceased are convinced the experience is real …’(1997, p. 51).

The variety of ways in which the participants become aware that the deceased loved one is authentically present is an interesting study in itself. They range from the clear seeing of visual experiences, which were frequent in this study to other sensory experiences, to intuitive and dream experiences, and to synchronicities, coincidences and symbolic events.

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The common denominator is that there is always a familiar characteristic that identifies the experience, and this is recognised by the recipient. Carla’s comfort came from the very words her mother used, and Bernadette’s recognition was immediate in the message, when her husband told her not to worry about money. Jan smelt her mother’s powder and perfume. The meaningfulness of these messages confirmed their authenticity. The creativity of the signs of presence are further illustrations of the power of the intimate experiences in shared lives to be honoured, probably enjoyed, and displayed as unfailingly remembered, by the deceased.

Theme Three: Caring

Feelings and thoughts of the deceased are received and convey information, care, love and ongoing relationship. Sometimes the communication is responded to by the recipient.

All the communications convey a message to the recipient, through the senses or through telepathic communication, intuitively through an experience of presence, in a dream, or through a symbolic or synchronistic event. Thoughts and feelings are conveyed. What is significant is that the message gets through no matter how differently it manifests. The messages demonstrate love and care, provide information, assure the bereaved the relationship is not lost.

Linda described a mind to mind conversation with her father, where he was so positive about himself and towards her that she felt a deepened sense of relationship and realised his care of her was ongoing. She experiences her father now as ‘her invisible support system’ and has gained much confidence from this. Marlene experienced wonder and gratitude as she received a thought in her mind from her son who had taken his own life. He was okay and wanted her to know that. Carla had worried about her mother and she was amazed that her mother seemed to know it, and reassured her that she did not need to worry anymore.

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Jenny’s communications had a different orientation. Her ADC’s demonstrated the gratitude of her patient. ‘I was treating her as if she was my ….grandmother. I was quite attached really.’ Jenny saw her in the shroud she had put her in above her each morning for a week, when she went to bed, and found it terrifying. Its aftermath, her second ADC a few months later, put it into perspective. She received a mental communication. ‘This is a gift. This is thanking you. I am giving you the knowledge that death is nothing to be frightened of. That there is something after death.’ It was quite a gift. It changed Jenny’s life and her whole attitude to her nursing vocation.

Bernadette, Shirley and Judy had significant dream state ADCs. Bernadette and Shirley had conversations with their husbands consistent with the closeness and intimacy of their relationships. Shirley’s husband sat on the bed and told her ‘I wish I could have said goodbye.’ This time she tried to comfort him saying, ‘That’s alright love, we’re alright.’ Judy asked her mother why she was here and her mother’s response resulted in her finding a whole new understanding of her family history and her significance within that story. Rodicca described her ADC as a dream but one in which she was wide-awake to the experience. It was a caring and healing experience that brought closure to a long hurting and grieving five years. Her husband said goodbye, kissed her and told her not to worry, ‘everything will be alright…I am looking after you.’

It is interesting to compare the differences in the communications. Some are mind to mind communications. There are verbal conversations. Some come in dreams. Sometimes the presence itself is the communication. Bernadette experienced two forms of communication with conversation, direct mind to mind conversations and conversations in dreams. She was clear about her reactions to the different types of experiences. The direct access that occurred while she was awake seemed to provide a closer experience of contact. She believed her visitation dreams were authentic communications, she valued them and wanted

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them to continue if that was how it had to be. But she preferred the ADC experiences of contact with her spouse that occurred when she was in an ordinary state of consciousness.

While we are here, being awake to our experiences is our best barometer for measuring reality. So it is not surprising, perhaps that, although ADC dreams feel different from ordinary dreams and seem very real, they are not as totally persuasive as an immediate and conscious experience. Dreams are communications via another state of consciousness. Although for some participants dreams were lucid and there was awareness that it was a dream, most people are not so easily able to navigate the territory of the unconscious in a conscious way.

The communication of ongoing support and care in the ADCs is expressed, sometimes directly as in the case of Rodicca, Bruce and Linda, and sometimes indirectly as with Gillian and Shirley. Gillian knew her mother was there to bring comfort to her, even though no words were spoken. Shirley sometimes experienced her husband’s presence as an onlooker in her dreams as they unfolded their story. She found whatever was worrying her subsequently sorted itself out.

Six of the group received their communications in other ways. Joan and Laura saw their mother’s happiness in different forms of pictures of a living, smiling presence and were reassured. Helen saw her husband and his happy smile and felt his kiss and arm around her and knew she was not alone and was loved by him still after three and a half years. Bernadette found her husband’s palpable presence on three occasions and his presence in dreams over three years a support in her grief and adjustment to a new life.

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Discussion Even though for most participants the explicit contacts and communications ceased after about three years, there is an ongoing confidence that their relationships have a constancy that continues. It is also evident that the experiences of care and love are quite uniquely suited to the needs of the bereaved at the time of the contact. This is enormously comforting to them and contributes to the power and meaning that the experiences bring. Barry’s father supported his son’s growing up years and his career. Judy’s mother helped her understand more deeply her life’s purpose. Helen’s husband confirmed his love in his physical presence after she worried he might have another woman. Bernadette’s husband conveyed his continuing knowledge and expertise in the financial side of her life, an ongoing concern for her. Gillian’s mother stayed during the earliest and hardest days of her grieving each night in the tree. It is astounding to recognise the aptness of all the messages and contacts.

Whitney (1992) gives descriptions of participants in the appendix to her report. She found the reasons given by participants for the deceased’s return were to reassure the survivors that everything is okay and their love continues. She also found that they often returned to say goodbye or to provide help and support. Devers (1994) found that the communications reflected the personal relationship the person had with the deceased. Resolving issues, experiences of healing, advice and support, information about the well being of the deceased and about their own wellbeing were different experiences of communication for her participants. ‘One woman heard her deceased husband say, You know I’m looking out for you’ (Devers 1994, p. 69). Drewry (2003) named confirmation and reassurance that love remains, and comfort and hope, as the main immediate outcomes of the messages received from the deceased for her bereaved participants. Moody concluded that ‘visionary encounters … give people hope and a sense that the departed loved one is comfortable, happy, and still with them spiritually.’(1993, p. 101) .

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In much of the earlier research the focus was to find out how often these experiences occurred, the ways in which they occurred, and in some studies the impact of the ADC on the grieving process. Kalish and Reynolds (1973), Olson et al. (1984) and Rees (1971), reported on groups who had perceptions of the dead. In these studies little or no information was given about the content of what was communicated through the experiences other than that most found the experience helpful and comforting. By implication these reports support this theme. In a survey of one hundred interviewees who claimed encounters with the dead, Haraldsson gave a few examples of experiences that had been described. One of these conveyed a father’s care and love for a daughter. When my husband proposed to me I was very undecided. Then I felt my father, who had died when I was six years old standing at my side and saying to me, ‘This is the man you should marry.’ I often felt his presence (1988, p. 108).

Sometimes the care that is conveyed demonstrates that the deceased know what is of concern and they demonstrate an ongoing interest in the lives of those they have left behind. In this study Barry, having refused an offer of a promotion heard from his father. ‘Not a real crash hot decision son. You will never go any further in that company.’ Some studies report experiences of after-death contact that do not fit the ADC definition. In these experiences the sense of a prior relationship is missing. Haraldsson gives an example of this type of experience. Mrs A. was visiting the house where she had been brought up. There were two apartments in the house separated by a wall. The woman who had lived in the other apartment had recently died and the apartment was empty. One day when Mrs. A was resting in the afternoon she heard doors opened and closed and someone working on the stove. Our percipient interpreted these noises as coming from the old deceased woman who also in death could not fully leave her kitchen (1988, p. 108).

This was akin to Linda’s experience, in this study, of a former inhabitant of an old house she had made into an office who also communicated her presence. Linda experienced that she was conveying her pleasure at what had been done to the house. In both these events the relationship with a place that was important to the

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deceased was the significant factor. The literature provides examples of these types of apparitions and other experiences. They may be associated with a house or some other place (Mackenzie 1983). They are of a different order to the experiences that demonstrate this theme and are the subject of research that explores different aspects of after-life presence and different reasons for it. Ghosts and house hauntings have enjoyed a wide interest and much research.

Information that conveys care, love and ongoing relationship has been reported from the earliest times even though the focus of the research was different. An early aim of the Society for Psychical Research was to study the question of survival after death in the many experiences of contact reported. There was recognition of the qualities and characteristics of the communications but the veridical element was primary. However this theme is a central one for the nature of the ADC experience. The deceased return for a reason and that reason becomes clear as the experience unfolds or as it is reflected upon in its aftermath. The literature confirms its relational and ongoing nature in the aftermath of death. There also remains a sense of wonder and a sense of being blessed.

Theme Four: Grappling

The recipient grapples with the experience – is it really happening, how can it be happening?

Shirley kept wondering if she was ‘going nutty’. Yet she knew she was not, it was more that in the beginning, she had no reference points for validating her experiences. So she doubted herself. Then as she started to integrate and accept her early experiences she had a new experience of an ADC that she found very upsetting. She woke up a couple of times and felt someone getting in to bed with her. Again she wondered if she was going crazy, was this really happening? Finding that other spouses had similar experiences was very relieving, ‘I’m not crazy. Oh, I feel better about it.’

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Gillian could hardly believe it when, night after night, this strange reality which was both physical with tingly feelings in her body and a ‘kind of seeing’ of her mother on the branch of a gum tree kept happening. She did not doubt herself as Shirley did, but she had no way to understand how such a thing could occur. She remembered her mother as quite plump and now in this manifestation she was very slim. ‘It was a mother younger than I ever knew. I knew it was her. But why would I see her like that when I don’t even have a picture of her like that?’ As there was no one at the time she could share it with, she had to keep puzzling about the experience on her own. Then she put it away for many years.

Helen saw her husband in Townsville standing in front of her in a bright turquoise shirt and his usual shorts. How had he managed to find her there? Her thinking as to what could be happening was stretched. Then when he was experienced a few months later as solid and so physical that he kissed her, put his arm around her and the mattress moved with his weight, her shock, amazement and fear was mixed with the sense that it can’t be happening, it must be an intruder. Then the realisation, but it is happening and how can he be so physical? She does not have any answers and it is very puzzling to her.

Bernadette found her first experience disturbing particularly as the energy of her spouse’s presence and his voice in her mind came at a time when she was still struggling with the effects of the loss and grief. She was not sleeping well and was lonely and missing her husband. These were psychological effects which had to be managed as she lived from day to day.

Bernadette also grappled with her experiences because they created a conflict between her imagined ideas about an afterlife as happy and the reality of her experiences that pointed to a time of adjustment for the deceased. It was a struggle to come to terms with how could these be the experiences that were happening. Much psychological and spiritual energy was needed to live into making sense of, and coming to peace about, the unexpected knowledge that came

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with her ADCs. At the same time they were comforting and supporting for her in her grief journey as she recognised the love between them was the driving force behind her many ADCs.

Charles experienced his wife in solid form standing beside the TV in a dress she had worn twenty years previously when she was much thinner. She had been cremated eighteen days previously but looked in amazingly good health and very content. ‘How could she be changed and return to me?’ He had thought she no longer existed. He kept wrestling with trying to understand his experience, the most amazing he had ever had in all his life. He keeps going back to the experience. ‘It didn’t enter my mind to try and converse with her. I was trying to work out why she was standing in front of me.’

He went searching for the dress. He doubted it really existed when he could not find it. Finally he found it in a photo taken twenty years earlier. That was a ‘clarification.’ He then went looking for a photo that carried the expression he saw in her face. He found it. It was the same loving look he knew. He knew he knew that look but somehow searching for it and finding it made a difference. Three years later he is looking for a theory that can explain what happened to him. ‘I still can’t work it out,’ he said. ‘I grapple for words. Perhaps we will never know.’ Barry also struggled with how his father managed to keep appearing and talking to him. Was it real? Was it his imagination? Was it psychological? ‘Maybe there was some guiding influence up there that made it all happen.’ He still tries to work it out.

Jenny grappled with her first experience for about three months. It was preoccupying and she felt disturbed. She was confused by the experience and because of her youth wondered if she was mentally not handling it well. With the second experience came a sense of relief, a recognition that her experiences were real, and the realisation that they were in fact a gift.

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Rodicca grappled with the experiences of the phone calls, indicating a desire to make contact, and her memory of her spouse refusing to communicate with her in the hospital before his untimely death. She struggled for a few years with missing him, feeling angry, and with the difficulty of coming to any peace or resolution of the grief. Her powerful dream experience brought a sense of real communication again and the beginning of a spiritual journey towards revaluing her priorities.

The interplay of the experience of grief and the effect of the ADC added to the often complex psychological impact of these extraordinary encounters.

Discussion All participants grappled in their own ways with the experiences. There is something challenging about encountering a phenomenon that does not match reality as normally lived. A first instinct, very often, is to say it cannot be true. ‘Did it really happen?’ As the realisation that the strange encounter really did happen sinks in, there is often an attempt to place it in a known category that can accommodate it, such as imagination, or hallucination. This was a way some participants began thinking about what had happened to them.

Although the participants did not all articulate it, there was inner questioning as they grappled with how the ADC fitted into their frameworks of understanding reality. As they undertook this journey there were some psychological disruptions to their normal everyday consciousness. For some there were disturbed feelings and anxiety about how to explain it to themselves and others. Because of the power of the experiences there was a time of adjustment as they came to accept that these extraordinary experience had really happened to them.

That the loved one had returned in an identifiable way had to be thought about and lived into. Coming to accept it was sometimes almost instantaneous, but more often it took time. Time to go over it and think more deeply about it. The shift, often, was a movement from questioning to knowing it did happen, and then

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acknowledging the ADC was real, then to wondering and struggling with how then did it happen? Who or what made it happen? The sense of the mystery remains strong. The fact that these events were often kept hidden and not talked about added to the difficulty. In most cases there was no opportunity to check if others had similar experiences, or if these experiences were normal because the other person who had them was as normal as you believed yourself to be. These participants are in no doubt now that these ADC experiences happened to them. However they still think about them and wonder how they happened. A major difficulty is that many professional counsellors dismiss paranormal experiences as hallucinatory and consider the belief that the bereaved feel or see the presence of the dead a mark of superstition (Berger 1995). Researchers also question whether these experiences are hallucinations, delusions coming out of grief, effects of the biological circuitry of the brain, or real events.

Most participants were dealing with the psychological disruptions that are part of the grieving process - physical symptoms around sleep, bodily aches and pains, difficulties with nurturing oneself, missing their loved one, worries about where their loved one was. In the midst of this grief came the startling and extraordinary experience of an ADC. For some the ADC experience came as a relief bringing a sense of gratitude and reassurance. For others it was disturbing and unknown because it did not fit into everyday life experiences. And in the midst of grief it felt confusing and sometimes frightening. In the process of grappling with the experiences and questioning what had happened most participants moved towards reconciling them within their own life worlds. Either they were able to accommodate their experiences or they began the journey of opening themselves to new understandings of their world and new perspectives on life and death. Nearly all the participants entered into psychological and spiritual journeys, with their ups and downs, and these extraordinary experiences were gradually integrated. They found a broader perspective and there were many after-effects which are discussed later in the study. Where the grappling was not shared, as in the journeys of Gillian and Barry, and religious perspectives were not readily

253 available, the search for understanding was derailed and put on hold for many years. Sharing their experiences more recently enabled them to understand in new ways what had happened to them.

Devers (1994) found survivors were engaged in a tug of war between their private thoughts and what they thought would be acceptable to the public. At a later stage they came to reject public scepticism because they knew their own experiences were real. Drewry (2003) found that grappling with the experiences extended over time and the ‘bereaved consider self delusion before accepting the experience.’ One of her respondents, ‘felt shocked, surprised. Did I imagine that? After having a number of experiences of feeling Gary’s presence I began to think I might be crazy’ (Drewry 2003, p. 67).

This is similar to Shirley’s response in this study. At first as she struggled with her experiences she thought, ‘Am I going nutty?’ She was relieved to find others had had similar experiences to hers. A lack of understanding of paranormal events produced confusion for several widows in Conant’s (1992) study. Whitney found that ‘although rarely percipients believe that experiencing contact is an indication of being crazy, there is a common perception that others will interpret the experience that way’ (1992, p. 72). Charles did not ever doubt himself or his experience. However three years later he was still trying to understand how the apparition of his wife in his living room happened.

Devers found that reconciling the extraordinary ‘is a process and therefore occurs over time … as (the bereaved) try to determine for themselves how to interpret this experience’(1994, p. 80). Grappling with the experience occurs differently because of the variability of the effect produced in the recipients. When the experience is positive, even if startling and astounding, the bereaved grapple in a very different way than when the experience is terrifying or disturbing. They prefer to avoid a terrifying event (Lindstrom 1995). Bernadette in this study struggled with her first experience which was very upsetting as did Shirley with

254 her experiences of movements in the bed. They did not want such events to happen again. Other experiences for them were comforting and positive and welcomed even though they still grappled with them because they were so outside of anything they could have imagined. This theme goes to the heart of the paranormality of the experience and the consequent struggle involved in coming to terms with experiences outside the ordinary which can be disturbing and frightening, as well as pleasant, comforting and positive.

Theme Five: Imprinting

The communication is deeply imprinted and carries a clarity and power that does not diminish over time. It effects change in the recipient’s life

These encounters appear to retain their distinctness and purity whether they are visionary, occur via the other senses, are experiences of presence, felt energetically, or occur in an altered state of consciousness such as in dreams. They stand in the memory strongly. Those who describe their experiences reveal no sense of confusion about them. When one is invited back into consciousness to be explained it bears the mark of an experience that has been indelibly imprinted. The power of its message is also retained.

Jenny’s experience of her patient happened forty years ago. As she told the story one could think it happened very recently. I saw her floating over me in a shroud…. I don’t know why this should stick with me but the shroud didn’t drop. I am an artist, I paint, I look for things like that and this shroud was just flowing straight – stiff. I could see her face quite clearly. Looking at me. And her face was over my face and looking at me and I was terrified. I have to say I was absolutely terrified. She looked just like she did in life. The same age. …. Her face was white, but then she had white hair and she was very pale.

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The emotions are remembered and the image is recalled with great distinctness. She clearly recalled the message that followed in a mind to mind communication. Its power lay not only in its indelible imprint on her memory but also in how it affected her life.

Bernadette’s first experience of the energy of her husband’s presence and words was terrifying but perfectly clear to her. Seven years later it still carries a body memory and a power in her mind. The energy with which it came was so strong that she was shaken. She did not want a repeat of that particular experience. Even though this was her husband whom she was missing so deeply, the power of the experience made it ‘frightening, intrusive and upsetting. It took me ages to settle down after it.’ As she shares it she remembers again the terrifying strength of the living reality of his presence intruding so unexpectedly into her reality and into her mind. It also was powerful in its capacity to dislodge her worry about being short of money.

Joan described in detail her experience of seeing her mother’s face as if it was filling a large frame and she was looking at it through a keyhole. After seven years it is still always there in the back of her mind, the radiant happiness of her mother and how young she looked. ‘That’s what got me. She was so young.’ And ‘it stayed with me and is still with me. I have never worried about Mum since.’ Barry remembered the encounters with his father and could share the communications from his father in considerable detail after thirty years.

The experiences had life-changing effects in many areas of the recipients’ lives. These are discussed in the next chapter.

Discussion

The power of the experience and its imprint in people’s memory are demonstrated in the rich detail of the stories shared by the participants. This is also evident

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when reading the stories recorded by other researchers. There is a clarity and power in the accounts (Guggenheim 1997; LaGrand 1997, 1999, 2001). They were recounted often after many years. Such strong clear experiences have ongoing impact. Since an ADC is an extremely vivid and memorable event, the people we interviewed were able to recall the details of their contacts with great clarity even many years later. (Guggenheim 1997, p. 19)

This aspect of remembering the experiences has not been particularly identified as a factor in many of the research studies. Perhaps it is self-evident that the experiences are so well remembered.

Memory theory is beyond the scope of this research. However it is known memories can fade. What was evident about the ADC experiences in this study was the way they were recalled in detail and with feeling even when the experiences happened many years previously. Whether they were apparitions or dreams or synchronistic events they were clearly recalled. Reading the accounts of the experiences in other research I am struck by the same clarity of remembering and the continuing thoughtfulness engendered. Where strong feelings are connected with an event the likelihood of remembering that event is higher. The higher the level of significance of an experience the more that translates into searching for and finding meaning in the experience and integrating it into one’s life. Although I was not able to access much comment in the research about remembering or forgetting of the ADC experience, or whether the experiences faded in memory over time, the detail given in the stories about the events and their effects provided a powerful comment in itself. This becomes even more evident as the next chapter develops the significance of the experiences as portrayed by their effects.

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Theme Six: Transcending

The encounter provides a sense of connection across the boundary of death transcending ordinary awareness. The life of the deceased is experienced as continuing in another form beyond the physical world.

For the time of awareness during the ADC experience participants feel a connection with their loved ones. Ordinary awareness is transcended and the experience feels mysterious and unexpected. In this study seven participants experienced a connection with their loved one around the time of death. They experienced being present to them when the life force, consciousness or soul of their loved one was leaving, or had just left, the physical body. Their accounts of this experience bring an amazing and profound sense of this unique time and demonstrate the significance of the essence of this theme. The ongoing ADC experiences that occur later, during the time of bereavement, highlight the continuing sense of connection participants feel they have with their deceased loved ones. I offer examples from the accounts that show how both types of experiences, the first type, often called ‘death coincidences’ and/or DBVs, and the second type, ADCs, illuminate this theme. I will discuss them in the light of the earlier literature.

Experiences around the time of death

Shirley and Marianne felt a strong physical energetic force pass through their bodies at the time of the death of their loved ones. Marianne was at the bedside of her sister, ‘I felt Jill go through me.’ The memory of this still resonates within her. Shirley experienced an extraordinary physical feeling while she was at her church. ‘Something had gone right through me. …It was so strong.’ When she returned home soon after she found her husband had died in his chair. ‘I think it was him running through me.’ More than twelve hours after the death of her mother, Judy experienced an extraordinary weight and energy within her chest and knew it was her mother identifying herself as being present.

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Linda experienced an amazing feeling of ‘light and calmness and warmth and well-being’ at a time that was later confirmed by the hospital as being the time when her father’s life support was turned off and his heart stopped. She was at home. Hers was a trance-like experience of communion with the soul of her father lasting about three minutes. She experienced him conveying a ‘sense of release’ at the time of his death. Jan’s experience was of a touch, a voice and a multi-sensory image when she was driving to work one morning. It was a mysterious and unexpected event that was later confirmed to have occurred about the time her mother had died thousands of miles away. Alice was with her brother who was on life support following an aneurysm. In the telepathic communications he had with her he shared what he was thinking as his consciousness or mind apparently moved away from his body. She was aware of his presence coming and going as she sat beside his body. After about twenty- four hours she sensed a readiness and impatience in him to move on.

Jean-Marie and Jenny had experiences within eight hours of the deaths. Jean- Marie, who was distraught at the loss of her husband earlier in the day, felt his presence for some time when she went to bed. ‘He held my hand. I felt his energy, the electricity up my arm.’ Jenny saw her patient when she went to bed after coming off night-duty. ‘I saw her floating over me in a shroud.’ These were profound experiences that came at a time of intense awareness of the death of a loved person and of the impending sense of grief and loss.

Experiences of Successive ADCs

This theme is exemplified further by the experiences of five of the participants discussed above who continued to feel connected to their loved ones because of their later experiences. It is illustrated also by the experiences of eleven other participants who experienced a series of ADCs that began soon after the death and continued during the time of bereavement. An experienced-based conviction regarding the continuity of life of their loved ones, and of their ongoing

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personality and identity in some discarnate form deepened with successive experiences.

Jan smelt her mother’s powder and perfume a year after her death and described her experience as ‘this huge sense of presence.’ The smell of the familiar perfume and the sense of her mother’s presence came via two different worlds. The experience brought the physical world and a world of spirit together in a remarkable way. Jean-Marie experienced her husband’s presence in her home frequently in the early years. A major experience after twenty-six years was to feel his solid physicality in bed with her and looking like a man in his twenties. His personality, the words he used and the way he talked were as she remembered him. Linda’s second major experience, seeing her father standing at her office door three years after his death confirmed for her his intense aliveness and well- being. Shirley had a number of experiences over two years, and Jenny had a second confirmatory telepathic communication following her disturbing visionary experiences.

Successive ADCs were reported by the majority of participants. Barry reported continuing contacts with his father over twenty years. Bernadette’s many communications from her husband in the first eighteen months through dreams revealed that he found his new life lonely at first. When he came in a final dream three years after he died he was more like his old self. He was communicating a sense of peace and happiness and sharing it with her as he had shared the difficulties he had experienced in the early stages of his after-life experience. He was also sharing the experience of change or progression that seemed to have occurred for him. This was how Bernadette made sense of it as she thought about the ongoing experiences over three years. They changed and expanded her thinking about an afterlife. Helen experienced two powerful apparitional experiences as well as other signs of presence. Marlene was amazed at the concreteness and reality of the experience of her son sitting beside her on the floor as she received a mind to mind communication that he was ‘okay’ three years

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after his suicide. These are accounts of the experiences of some participants who experienced a series of ADCs that began during their time of bereavement. They felt confirmed regarding the continuity of the life and personality of their loved one.

Discussion The participants who were present around the time of death spoke about their awareness of the transition of the life or soul of the dying person from the physical embodied state to a discarnate form that had energy, forcefulness, and an apparent capacity to communicate something about the experience. Later experiences demonstrated to them the capacity of the discarnate spirit of their loved one to manifest and communicate with them in various ways and places. They also demonstrated that their loved ones retained their identity and personality. The participants did not have any doubts about their communication experiences even though they struggled with them as they tried to understand them. Their ordinary awareness was transcended when they connected so unexpectedly to their loved ones. They were amazed their deceased loved ones could continue to make their presence felt.

For the participants the experiences of contact around the time of death brought into clear awareness the change that occurs at death. Their later experiences confirmed that their loved ones were continuing life in another form and yet still expressing the familiarity of their known personalities. As I thought about this theme and the experiences shared by the participants I was aware that Myers and the early members in the SPR had been intensely interested in researching what happens at the time of death. They discovered there was a connection between the death of a person and the occurrence of an apparition of that person. They came to realise that ‘it is in this profoundest shock which human life encounters that these phenomena seem to be oftenest engendered’ (Gurney, Myers & Podmore 1962, p. 387). Myers came to the conclusion that apparitions were ‘apparently due, not to some brooding memory, but to a continued action of a

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departing spirit’ (1992, p. 8). There was ‘reason to surmise that some other cause than chance – in other words, some objective origin … is present’ (1992, p.178). They were looking for veridical evidence for survival. Even though that is not the aim of this study it is interesting to compare Myers observations with the experiences of participants in this study considered in this theme.

The phenomena suggest that some of the newly deceased wanted to contact their loved ones at this time of momentous change and ‘profoundest shock,’ to share it and to let them know something about what was happening to them. For the participants the experience of being present with their loved one during their transition across the boundary of death was profound and never to be forgotten. Shirley and Marianne experienced the change in their bodies. Linda experienced her father’s ‘sense of release’ in her whole being. Jan experienced a touch, a voice and an image from her mother of their shared past that came from the other side of the world. Alice saw an image of her brother’s damaged brain clairvoyantly and received a telepathic message that he did not want to return to it. She was astonished when her brother’s presence and communications conveyed that he was becoming more adapted to an existence outside his body. Marianne was profoundly changed by her experience of her sister’s joyfulness as her spirit shifted out of her body. Myers writes: We must inquire into the actions of spirits no longer in the flesh, and into the forms of perception which men still in the flesh respond to that unfamiliar and mysterious agency (1992, p. 171).

These examples of the actions of spirits no longer in the flesh and the various ways in which they were perceived appear to be similar to those studied by members of the SPR. Myers observed that some kind of ‘telepathic clairvoyance’ operated. There may also be … ‘some power on the deceased person’s part to cause the percipient to share the picture which might at the moment be occupying his own mind’ (1992, p. 185).

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Perceptions were heightened and psychic awareness was active as the profound change of death occurred. The image that Jan’s mother transmitted to her daughter, and Jenny’s image of her patient in the shroud are also in accord with this observation. Myers understood the complexity of these phenomena, that they were ‘a function of two unknown variables – the incarnate spirit’s sensitivity and the discarnate spirit’s capacity of self manifestation’ (Myers 1992, p. 185).

Jenny’s experiences continued for a week, at a time of extreme tiredness each morning when she returned home after night-duty. They suggest tiredness may have contributed to her heightened awareness and greater susceptibility. Perhaps the experience also indicates this was a way for her patient to remain connected to her old environment while adjusting to the new one. These types of experiences suggest that ‘passage from one state to another may sometimes be accompanied with some temporary lack of adjustment between experiences taking place in such different environments’ (Myers 1992, p. 186). Alice’s understanding of her brother indicates he seemed to be adjusting to his new environment.

It was also evident that the consciousness (or soul, or mind) of the person had an element of fluidity around this time, and it was not spatially restricted. Marianne described the energetic force of the spirit of her sister passing through her. She then described how she went and sat with her sister and held her and spoke to her and received a little smile. Myers writes about his understanding of the time of death. The moment of death is a very uncertain thing. When the heart’s action stops the organism continues for some time in a state very different from that of ordinary inanimate matter. It is safer to speak not of death but of ‘the process of dissolution’ and to allow for the prolongation of some form of psychic energy (1962, p. xxxi)

In her book, Testimony of Light, Helen Greaves describes the last moments of her friend, Frances Banks. Her account also suggests this movement of the spirit or soul from the body may be more a process than a single event.

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I stood beside her and prayed silently that she might go peacefully to that new life to which she looked forward so eagerly. After a minute, without opening her eyes, she murmured in a dreamy voice: ‘It’s alright my dear, the Change has started.’ Then she lapsed immediately into unconsciousness. The next day at lunchtime she simply stopped breathing (Greaves 1977, p. 22).

This account has resonances with Marianne’s awareness of her sister being both in the body and out of the body at her time of transition. Also with Alice’s experience of her brother and his consciousness remaining near his body for a couple of days, and then as not being there any longer. The presence of the psychic energy that Myers describes may also indicate something about the nature of mind, and the non-locality of mind, and suggest how it appears in these accounts to be able to be both in the body and near the body. There is some evidence from parapsychology that the mind can operate outside time and space (Fontana 2001). Perhaps it is only by continuing to describe these inexplicable phenomena that an understanding of the relationship of consciousness (spirit) to the material body and to the spirit world can be deepened. Wright (2002) also shares accounts of some of her twenty-three interviewees who had contact experiences around the time of death. Her accounts are congruent with this also.

The successive experiences that are more distant in time from the moment of death, and the ongoing journey apparently taken by the soul or spirit of the deceased loved one, provide further insights about the after-death experience. Successive experiences indicate deceased loved ones still want to communicate but they do not reveal what has happened to them. The ADCs experienced by Bernadette and Shirley over several years indicate a period of missing on the part of the deceased spouses and suggest some lack of adjustment to their new life without their spouses. Their communications show they are still very aware of what they have left behind.

Bernadette’s husband continued to help with financial concerns, and Shirley’s husband’s concern was he did not have a chance to say goodbye. Helen’s

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husband appeared to be aware of the imminent war in Iraq. He and his wife had both been involved in war in their earlier lives. His apparitional presence reassured her. Barry’s father spent many years showing an interest in the business journey of his son. Myers comments: Once we admit communication from the other side of death as a working hypothesis we must allow ourselves to imagine something as to the attitude of the communicating mind – that that mind is still in part occupied with the same thoughts which last occupied it on earth (1992, p. 185).

The stories shared in this study offer a broader understanding of the ADC phenomenon and its implications because they are not just accounts of single encounters. The participants share the journey through grief and ongoing ADC experiences. This provides clearer insight into that journey and the effects of these multiple experiences. The stories also suggest there is progression for the deceased on the other side and an eventual moving on that includes an ending of their communications with their loved ones. No conclusions can be drawn, yet it is interesting to note that most participants in this study experienced the cut-off point for their ADC experiences after about three years. Bernadette, Marlene, Linda, Helen, Joan and Judy all had their final major or only experience near to the three-year period. A sense of ongoing connection and a hope for reunion with loved ones remained.

The literature reports many experiences of ADC and the sense of connection they provide recipients across death’s boundary. However few of them illustrate the power of successive experiences to deepen and confirm the sense of connection. Devers (1997) describes her sister’s experience of seeing their mother within a shimmering light pattern, something she described as a thought form which said to her ‘I’m doing fine and so are you.’ This extraordinary experience gave her a new way of knowing that transcended her prior limited scientific way of knowing. She was profoundly changed. Clearly, something mysterious had happened. …She had been the consummate skeptic …suddenly she now entertained the thought of an

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unseen world and of contact with loved ones from that world. Yet she continued to be grounded in every other way (Devers 1997, p. 8).

In this study Judy’s extraordinary and transcendent dream of her mother changing from a familiar figure dressed in a humble dressing gown into a powerful angel or archetypal figure was a dramatic engagement with changes of form from the unseen world. The spiritual quality of the experience was deeply interwoven with Judy’s human journey as she came to learn more about her family. Carla’s experience of a spirit figure of her mother in the light was combined with her mother’s characteristic modes of expression. Continuity of personality combined with change of form was demonstrated in most of the ADCs

The experiences of participants illustrate the theme and the powerful connection with their deceased loved ones engendered by their experiences. They do not doubt their loved ones continue to live on in another form in a world of spirit. The encounters continue to reverberate in their minds. The juxtaposition between their authentic humanness and their extraordinary and paranormal quality continues to speak to them of the great mystery of death and the significance and meanings of their experiences

The sense of ongoing connection with the deceased is referred to often in the literature. ‘The most awesome thing I have come to realise is that you can feel more loved by someone after they’re gone than when they’re still alive’ (Devers 1997, p. 158). The sense of a spiritual connection with the deceased was important. Conant’s (1992) study of ten recently bereaved widows reported they understood their ‘sense of presence’ experiences as private spiritual communication. The Guggenheims sum up the responses from those who have had visual experiences, ‘They confirm that our loved ones have survived the transition called death and are fully alive in another dimension’ (1995, p. 111).

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The bereaved who experience the power of an ADC experience are drawn towards a world-view that takes them beyond the physical sensory experiences of their everyday life to a more expansive view of reality.

Theme 7 Expanding The mind of the recipient is stretched and consciousness is expanded as the experience is reflected upon. Reality is seen as larger and more complex. The recipient lives in a knowing, not just believing, way within a larger unseen world and the soul or essential essence of their loved one is part of that.

Participants experienced their loved ones as coming back after being seen as dead. They came from another reality, an unseen spirit world. They communicated across the boundary of death in a way that these participants found authentic and affirming. There was a realisation for participants more was happening around them than their brains could perceive. Most paranormal events are best understood if they are thought of as opening up one’s ability to comprehend a larger reality. A larger reality and a wider consciousness became an actuality for these participants. At one or several moments in time a window opened and showed them a glimpse of a larger world, and the memory continued to resonate and affect their lives.

Linda sees herself as a more complex person in touch with a much bigger world. Her communications from a ‘spirit world’ have increased and enlarged her sense of herself and her consciousness of what it is possible to know and experience. ‘Accepting that this can happen has broadened my confidence and my view of myself.’ In her experience ‘the spirit world is of very individual entities.’ She knows she is going to this unseen world, her father is there and it will be alright. ‘My father coming has made a difference, it has made me realise it will be fine.’

There is very little sharing from the deceased as to where they are or what they are doing. The sharing that did occur opened a small window into another realm and expanded the consciousness of the recipients to take in new ideas and

267 possibilities. In Judy’s dream, her mother seemed to be working in a hospital. ‘She looked like she was just really doing what she wanted to do. And she was just continuing on … it was like she was fulfilling another role.’ She then changed into a very, very powerful angelic figure. This is still a matter for reflection for Judy. What does it mean about her mother and her mother’s energy and abilities in this unseen world? It made all that she had read theoretically in Jung and Theosophy, and all that she had experienced in her own life of angelic presence and of spiritual beings in her dreams, more tangible. Her mother provided a direct link with the unseen world. ‘It confirmed all the things I had read.’ It confirmed too, in a new way ‘those really profound spiritual moments when you know you have touched on something far deeper than the psychic realm. The core of your being is connected to something far more powerful.’ Her reflections have carried her to the central understanding, that in the end it is all about love.

Carla’s mother assured her she was happy and safe. Joan’s mother looked happy and radiant. Rodicca’s husband said he was looking after her. Charles was held in the loving aura of his wife’s intense and dominating presence. In all these experiences participants had their consciousness expanded as they reflected on the implications for their loved ones, and as they lived into the consequences of their reflections. The consequences will be seen in more detail in the discussion about the after-effects of the experiences.

Discussion These encounters speak to the power of direct experience. The participants did not hear about these phenomena from others. They lived with them and into them in their bodies, their minds, their feelings and their spirits. William James knew of the power of the direct human experience. Letting experience speak for itself was of the greatest significance in his research and also in his life. For him it was important not to wrap up a neat package that can be understood within the

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frameworks of our usual understanding, but to wait until what can be known has been revealed.

This is the journey that the ADC experiences plunged the participants into. They swim in the mysterious waters of a largely unknown sea. Their experiences are profound and expansive encounters, and reflection upon them continues to bring energy and a ‘knowing’ that life’s meanings are still to be discovered in their fullness. This was ‘the more’ at the heart of William James’ study of religious experience and is ‘the more’ of the ADC. The ADC is a mysterious transpersonal phenomenon, and as this theme suggests, invites those who are fascinated by these events, and whose hearts are warmed by the love that comes with them, into an expanding world of immense wonder still to be explored. The experiences continue to resonate and impact the lives of the participants, not only in their human lives but also in their continuing sense of participating in some way in the world of their deceased loved ones.

All participants showed an increased interest in the spiritual and an expansion of reality to include a spiritual world where there loved ones were. These transpersonal experiences extended their sense of self beyond their physical reality. Their consciousness expanded to include an encounter with the soul, consciousness, of their loved ones. It also included, for some, an experience of a bodily form of their loved one looking younger and more vitally alive. Was the form of their spirit in some sort of body in the other dimension? As participants thought about these extraordinary events and their implications they came to a new awareness of the reality of a spiritual world. There was much reflection about what it might be like, what its contours and experiences might be. Their conviction allowed them to embrace this world of spirit that made itself present to them in amazing ways.

Drewry found that all her participants ‘had a ‘knowing’ that consciousness and love survive death and look forward to reunion with loved ones’ (2003, p. 78). As

269 a result of her research Devers concludes that ‘experiences of a transcendent nature not only show us the reality that exists far beyond our comprehension but also speak to us about our participation in it’ (1997, p. 159).

This final theme takes the experience into a larger framework; the expansion of consciousness, paradigm changes, a reality and an unseen world outside of the everyday experience. The shift was from living in a world of ordinary human experience to a larger world where a non-local mind, a spirit presence, or an apparently solid presence that can materialise and then de-materialise, resides. This caused a major paradigm shift for most participants. Those who had psychic abilities accepted their experiences more readily as they could relate them to other experiences they had had.

The Guggenheims stated that their ADC research provided evidence that ‘every person is a spiritual being who is temporarily wearing or inhabiting a physical body’ (1997, p.178). This was the conclusion of Marlene, Rodicca and Jean- Marie. French philosopher/mystic, Teilhard de Chardin, came to a similar conclusion as a result of his own spiritual understanding. ‘We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience’ (King, 1999).

Participants see themselves and their human lives extending beyond a ‘skin encapsulated ego-self.’ They have experienced larger domains of consciousness and the ordinary boundaries of time and space have been transcended. Their attitudes to their lives have been reshaped. They have moved into new directions, and realigned their connections with themselves, with others and with God, or an Ultimate Reality, however that is conceived. A larger consciousness has allowed the new meanings that have emerged from their experiences to be thought about and lived into. The changes and effects are discussed further in the next chapter.

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Reflection At the heart of ADC experiences is a profound inner experience. There is a deep mysteriousness at the core and my aim was to tap into this core by naming and developing a deeper understanding of each theme. I found the themes as named were able to uncover the essence of the experiences and their power to transform lives. The depth and profundity of these mysterious experiences that penetrate the spiritual and psychic realms were valued by the participants as an integral part of their human experience. Phenomenology does not necessarily yield indubitable knowledge. Every story is one interpretation of these experiences. Yet the individual stories were amazing and compelling. They led to a synthesis of knowing as the themes developed. What was named and expressed was modest because it was the fruit of the stories of only eighteen people and yet richly significant. I had approached my study with an open mind to where it would lead me. I found I was opened up to an ongoing and deepening understanding of the ADC experience, and its power to open people to paranormal and transpersonal realms, to find comfort and deeper knowledge, and to transform their minds, hearts and spirits. The after-effects which are discussed in the next chapter further illustrate the transforming power of the ADC.

The seven themes illuminated the essential nature of the ADC experience for this group of bereaved persons. I cannot claim the themes are invariant for all experiences of ADC. Some divergences from the literature were discussed and some of the different nuances were shown. However assessing the themes against the ADC accounts in the literature I found a high degree of concordance. The themes and the discussion about them, illustrated the different types of ADC experiences discussed in the Review of the Literature. The different types of experiences in this study have not been discussed or compared with studies in the Literature within the body of the thesis. I have discussed them in Appendix B so that the flow is retained and the after-effects are described in the wake of the unfolding of the themes.

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Chapter Eight

After-Effects of the ADC Experience and Discussion

In this Chapter I present my findings regarding the after-effects of the ADC experiences. They have been alluded to in Theme Five, ‘Imprinting’, but they were also the subject of particular questions I asked my participants and yielded valuable responses. I present them here separately because of their significance in themselves. They are categorised, developed more fully and then discussed in the light of literature. I conclude with some general reflections.

All participants were affected in substantive ways by their experiences. A number of after-effects are common in all accounts and some are unique. Most participants express feelings of gratitude for these experiences in their lives and for the differences they have made in so many ways. Their reflections on their after-effects encompass life and living, death and afterlife, changes in the journey of loss and grief, and in relationship with self and with the deceased loved ones. Lifelong learning and changes in spiritual understanding are also prominent in their accounts of the experiences. All participants are sane, normal people who enjoy excellent mental health and are living healthy and productive lives. Their encounters were experienced as real events. The reality of their experiences initiated these effects and changed their lives.

The After-Effects are discussed under six headings: Alleviation of grief Difficulty in sharing the experience Attitudes toward death and an after-life Changes in self, living, purpose and meaning Effect on spiritual and religious understanding Effect on psychic sensitivity

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More literature and research has focused on the effects of ADCs on grief than on any other area of focus. However, examples to illustrate all six of my areas are found in other studies and reveal similar powerful and substantial effects on participants. It is evident that very few inventories or headings exist to assist an easy comparison of after-effects across studies. Generally after-effects are woven through the stories (Guggenheim 1997; LaGrand 1997) and are developed and presented differently according to the aims of the individual study (Devers 1994; Drewry 2003; Whitney1992). My findings on after-effects in the participants’ lives serve as the framework to gather together similar effects of ADCs from other studies in the discussion. They may also provide guidance for further studies in this area.

Alleviation of Grief

I first offer some general findings about the effect of ADC experiences on the alleviation of grief. I then discuss more specific effects for parents, for spouses and for other relationships. The effect on relationships with the deceased that are in need of healing is also discussed.

Grief is ubiquitous in the life of the bereaved person. It affects everything. Physical well being, emotional responses, patterns of behavior are all affected in different ways. People do not magically get over the death of a loved one. When a loved one dies life changes, the person changes and over time adjustments are made that allow the person to move on with his/her life. It is not an easy journey for those for whom the relationship with the loved one has been very significant. Death changes everything.

These amazing experiences enabled the participants to confront the meaning of death, and what the reality was about death, in an entirely new and unexpected way. As Carla expressed it, ‘one is never quite the same after being touched by a few visits from those who have died.’ For most participants the visions, apparitions and other experiences changed forever their perception of reality and

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their responses to the loss and grief they were feeling. Prior to their experiences they had either no idea such experiences happened, or they had only heard about such experiences happening to others. Now they had had an experience themselves. One of the striking aspects of the ADC experience is that those who report these experiences can no longer keep away thoughts of death nor do they have a need to do so.

Samuel Johnson once wrote, ‘The whole of life is but keeping away thoughts of death.’ This does seem to be true in the society in which we live. Once the funeral is over, talk about the death can stop and everyone gets back to living life as before. While this may not be true at a deeper level for those who are closest to the deceased, life does go on again for them also and often, after a while, little is said about the one who has gone. What is interesting about these accounts is that while the experiences may not be talked about to many people, the participants report that within their own private world the grieving was different. The loved one was missed but no longer lost. The relationship was changed but not ended. Life was lived after the event in the light of this new and often totally unexpected knowing. The participants were convinced their experiences were anything but fantasies of the mind. For them they were extraordinary, paranormal and spiritual experiences, real events that had real effects in their lives.

Grieving for Parents Joan, Carla and Gillian grieved deeply for their mothers. They also worried about them and whether they were all right. Joan worried because her mother had not gone to church and might be punished. Carla was haunted by the look on her mother’s face as she died suddenly and unexpectedly in hospital. Gillian had had a very close relationship and daily contact with her mother. The suddenness of the break increased her sense of loss and the depth of her grief.

For each of these participants the mother-daughter bond was strong, the emotional connection was missed and yearned for in the days following. Then they experienced an ADC. Joan had waited and worried for three years but in an

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instant the change was enormous. She no longer worried about her mother, she lived with the picture of her happiness in the back of her mind and the missing was quite different afterwards. ‘She was so radiant I couldn’t possibly have any thoughts of worry about how she is.’ Carla’s experience relieved the worry of witnessing the moment of death with the look on her mother’s face, and the great sense of grief she was feeling. ‘No one ever tells you what it is like.’ The pains in her stomach went, life ‘started to pattern in’ again, and though she still missed her mother, the missing was different. Her mother came to be an inner model of how to live, her mother had moved into the light and was happy. The lessons of her mother’s life became her journey to integrating her loss and living her life in new ways. Gillian missed her mother greatly. The six weeks of her presence each night tided her over the initial impact of the loss. It gave her enormous comfort, her mother comforting her by her presence in the loss. It was a paradox in some ways. The sense of loss and the missing returned. But it was different, there was an enduring sense of the comforting and it did change her thinking about life and a hereafter.

As well as the experience of grief, Jan, Judy and Laura had much that was unresolved in their relationships with their mothers and Linda was not getting on well with her father at the time of the death. In the section which discusses the healing of relationships through the ADC experience I discuss the relationship between their grief, their ADCs and the experience of healing at more depth. Bruce did not express grief about the loss of his father, he seemed to get on with his life even though his father’s ongoing presence was part of his life for the next twenty years.

The ADCs from mothers were single experiences, in some cases there were two, and, in one case, three experiences. They provided peace and comfort, reassurance of the mother’s happiness in the new state, they brought a sense of closure and a good-bye. The grief was alleviated and changed by the experiences. The ADCs from fathers in this sample of two is not large enough to draw any

275 conclusions. The ADC experiences from fathers, however, demonstrated to the adult children an ongoing interest and care in their lives.

Grieving for Spouses Grieving for the spouses was very different. The extent of contact was greater and continued for a longer time. There were a number of modes of ADC experienced by each spouse. The number and extent of the experiences suggested the deceased were seeking to stay in contact with their spouses. These relationships had extended for a long time. Charles had been married for fifty- four years, Helen, Bernadette and Shirley, about forty years, and Rodicca and Jean-Marie about twenty years.

The grieving and sense of loss was deep and strong for quite a long time for Jean- Marie. She had lost her anchor. She found ongoing comfort from the experience of her husband’s presence holding her hand the night he died and her frequent sense of his presence around the house. She was only forty at the time and had to move on with her life. Helen took time to adjust to her husband not being there but was very conscious of his presence at night when he banged the side of the bed as he had done to wake her in the mornings. This experience, while it signaled his presence, did not alleviate her sense of loss. It was so final and she felt so alone. She did get on with her life and made new friends in the retirement village. She did believe his presence was often with her in the early days but that did not take away the loneliness. It was not until three and a half years after his death that the experience of seeing him was so significant. She was overjoyed because she thought that she had lost him, she had not been aware of him for quite a while. However, she worried a little about the turquoise shirt he appeared in and thought he might have another woman. So she was very happy when two months later she experienced his physical presence in the bed and a kiss. Now she no longer grieves, yet still misses him, ‘you don’t get over it, you come to terms with it.’ She enjoys her life and lives in the assurance of his ongoing love.

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Bernadette and Shirley each had many experiences of their spouses. The process of coming to terms with their loss and grief was slow for these two couples, in spite of the frequency of contact. They had had exceptionally close relationships. Bernadette did not sleep well for a long time and it was nearly a year before she felt more herself and able to cope again. Two years after Shirley’s husband died she was still weeping as she talked about missing him. The extent of the experiences of contact and the different types of contacts did suggest that the process of coming to terms with the loss may have been mutual for these two couples. Shirley’s dreams, sense of presence in the home, and in the bed and in particular the dream where she experienced his regret at not having had a chance to say goodbye were powerful and helped her through the early years of her grief. Bernadette’s grief was helped by the sense of support she gained from her ADCs.

Rodicca grieved, was angry, lost weight and missed him. She missed not only what the relationship had provided but also had unresolved grief around what she had not had and the terrible ending where she experienced his anger with her. She experienced his presence in symbolic ways, in the telephone calls and through the crows but the unresolved grief did not leave her and her life became quite difficult to manage. The experience of his presence in the dream that was more than a dream, after five years, brought comfort and a resolution of much that was unfinished in their relationship. Charles too was in great grief after fifty-four years of a loving marriage. It was only twenty-three days after his wife's death that he found appeasement for his grief, joy, and the patience to wait when he experienced her standing before him. In his eighties he says he can be patient and knows it will not be too long before he can join her.

Grieving in other relationships Marlene was further along in the grieving process after three years and had begun to reinvest her life in her everyday pursuits and in volunteer work for those who had suffered bereavements like hers. Her apparitional experience at this time was ‘absolutely, absolutely wonderful’. It was a confirmation of all she believed and

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although she still missed her son very much there was a sense of confidence about his life and her own, and her purpose as she continued life. She knew he was not gone, she was just without his physical presence. Her grief was changed by the experience. Wendy did not need to grieve for her patient. Rather it was the enduring experience of the gift of her two ADCs that stayed with her.

Maureen still grieved for her sister because she simply missed her presence in her life. The grief was very different however as she had received a sure awareness of her sister’s joyousness and a new confidence about her own journey. Alice’s experience was quite recent when she first shared it. Missing her brother was soon accompanied by two other bereavements in her life. Her grief for him was allayed because of the amazing experience of being with him at the time of his transition. Then it became part of a whole journey instigated by the losses of the following year where she began reassessing and revaluing her life, and what was really important in it.

Grief alleviated by healing of relationships Some participants experienced extra grief around the time of death as a result of aspects of their relationships when the deceased was physically alive. These ADCs were particularly important in helping the participants deal with their loss and grief and with the unfinished business. Judy, Jan and Laura who had lost their mothers and Rodicca who had lost her husband found their ADCs powerful and healing.

Judy had been a loner as a child and her relationship with her mother was difficult even in her adult years. Her busy mother, widowed early, had raised her eight children on a farm. After her mother’s death the three ADCs became a journey of a developing relationship between them. Judy, through her mother’s messages in dreams, became aware and confirmed in her own journey. She began to realise the love of her mother and ‘how amazing she really was.’ ‘I think she was connecting with me because we hadn’t been close.’ Now she has grown to

278 realise more about love and sees that her mother’s love and messages have illumined her own journey quite remarkably. The healing of their relationship through these experiences lifted the sense of grief about all that was undeveloped and unfinished. She believed her mother ‘had gone on to better things’ and the dream experience ‘confirmed all the things I believed in and she believed in.’ She was happy for her mother and in the experience of her own mothering began to appreciate her mother’s qualities in a totally new way. Their relationship was stronger as a result of her ADCs.

Laura also had been distanced from her mother because of her divorce and her mother’s unhappiness. This was made worse by the trauma around her mother’s death and their unfinished relationship. Laura’s anguish about her mother and the rift in their relationship, her guilt about not being there and her worry about her mother’s unhappiness was extraordinarily relieved by her experiences in the early months after her death. She was released from the burden of her grief and guilt by her two ADC experiences of feeling her mother’s finger on her cheek and seeing her smiling in a picture. She realised her mother wanted to comfort her and show her she was happy and at peace. She knew that her mother wanted to make peace with her daughter and with her husband ‘because she had been unhappy when she passed away.’ Laura found great peace herself in this awareness. She missed her mother in a new way that was healing. ‘We made peace.’ They had reconnected after all the emotional distance in the earlier years and she knew her relationship with her mother was now different.

Jan’s experience was similar in some ways to Laura’s. Jan had been separated from her alcoholic mother for many years. Much ‘emotional and intellectual space’ had opened up between them. None the less the bond was deep and strong and stretched back to childhood. Jan had loved and cared for her mother through difficult times but in later years had moved away geographically. Her profound experience, reflected upon, changed everything. Guilt, regret, grief for all the lost years was to be expected on hearing of her mother’s death. Instead there was a

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complete transformation of feeling. Grief was changed from loss, regret and guilt to an easy acceptance. Warmth, comfort, reassurance, and reconnection at the deepest level were experienced as an ongoing reality. ‘I still get this lovely feeling when I think about it.’ The sense of an enduring soul to soul connection was deep and powerful. ‘It was such a moment of soul to soul communication.’ The relationship was not lost, it was found again at a much deeper level and was then confirmed again a year later. Jan lives with the warm feelings that have endured and the clarity of her peace.

Linda and her father ‘spent a long time being been annoyed with each other for various reasons.’ She experienced an amazing reconnection and sense of ‘light and calmness and warmth and wellbeing’ at the moment of his death although she was far away. Three years later her ADC of her father’s appearance at her office- door, confirmed the feelings of presence and support she had been experiencing around the home. The love and care Linda experienced from her father was so significant and the sense of ongoing presence and relationship so real that there was little apparent grief. Her strong psychic abilities, like Judy’s also, seem to have bridged the need to grieve.

Rodicca had lived with a great deal of pain, hurt and anger for five years. She and her husband had had a difficult relationship and his death was made harder because he would not talk to her in the final days. Then the night came when her ADC from him gave her the experience of him reconciling the unfinished and hurting parts of their relationship and of assuring her that he was continuing to look after her. ‘It gave me a sense of feeling somebody cared ….. that he was emotionally and spiritually helping.’ It helped her let go of her complicated grief and loss and to move on with her life in a new way.

These experiences of healing reach to the heart of the ADC experience. Freed from the bonds of physical life, the deceased appear to the participants to have a greater freedom to express the love and help that they were unable to offer while they were physically present. In some cases they were in haste to bring

280 reconciliation and peace to loved ones and the experiences are felt in the early time after the death. In Rodicca’s case it took five years for reconciliation to occur and for a profound healing to take place. Perhaps there is a healing to be undertaken by the deceased on the other side first. Although these are the most obvious encounters of reconnection and healing there is a sense that healing also took place for other participants that were not so easily spoken about.

Discussion To varying degrees the participants were able to grieve more easily and/or found their grieving was changed and alleviated. They were filled with greater hope, both for their loved ones and for themselves and their ongoing lives. All but two participants lost their fears about death as a result of their experiences.

LaGrand found in his research that the after-death contact ‘marked a turning point in the mourning process as the grieving person found comfort, new awareness and a sense of peace’ (1997, p. 4). Devers reported that ‘overall [participants] were happy that they had had the experience and that it helped their grief’ (1994, p. 73). Whitney(1992) found that her respondents, the majority of whom had ADCs from grandparents, resolved their grief faster and/or found the intensity of their grief was lessened. Drewry (2003) found grief was less intense and one in her group experienced a complete release of grief.

In this study most of the ADC experiences occurred during the earlier period of grief and mourning. Feelings expressed ranged from Jan’s ‘enormously reassured,’ to Phoebe’s ‘very blessed, wonderfully confirming’ in the parents’ return group, to ‘grateful, excited, a little fearful’ for Helen, and ‘comforting, loving, hope(ful)’ for Shirley in the spouse’s return group. There are some reports in other research of ongoing experiences occurring over many years. Rees (1971) gives examples from some of his widowed respondents. ‘I feel he is helping me still’ (after twenty years). ‘I talked to her as I was going to bed. … . her voice was as plain as ever’ (after seven years). I did not find this to be so for

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this group as a whole. Jean-Marie’s recent experience of her husband twenty-six years after his death in this study was the only ADC that was reported so long after a death.

Much of the earlier research focused on the experiences of the widowed in the context of grief (Conant 1992; Grimby 1993; Marris 1958; Olson et al. 1985; Rees 1971; Yamamoto et al. 1969). Some of the research has not identified particular groups but has given examples from all groups (Devers 1994; Guggenheim 1995; LaGrand 1997, 2001; Martin and Romanowski 1997; Wright 2002).

An interesting difference is evident in my study between the effect of the ADC on grief in the experience of daughters and spouses. Daughters were able to come to a sense of peace and in some cases a resolution of their grief following their ADC. The key element was knowing their mothers were at peace or were happy. They also said their mothers had come to bring peace, comfort and healing, and to say good-bye. Devers reported a woman who upon smelling her mother’s presence felt comforted and received the message her mother was okay. ‘The experience helped finalise it. It just reassured me that she was okay … It really felt good’ (1994, p. 66).

Spouses’ experiences were different in several respects. The grief process was longer and more intense. The number of ADCs was greater and there was an indication that the deceased spouse was staying around. The spouses said the frequency of ADC experiences helped, brought comfort and hope, and allayed their grief during the grieving journey. Charles was the exception as he was so transformed by his experience three weeks after his wife’s death, that his grief was resolved. He still missed his wife but found a new purpose, sense of peace and patience in his life. Rees (1971) found that frequency and good quality of apparent contacts with the dead were positively correlated with the degree of happiness in the marriage.

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Although only two participants reported ADCs from fathers, there was a higher incidence of presence. Barry spoke of ADCs for over twenty years and Linda, although she only had one apparition experience after three years, reported that she still feels her father’s presence in their home at times after four years. Her psychic ability may be a contributing factor. What is interesting is that the males who returned in both spouse and parent groups returned more frequently over a longer period of time. The sample is too small to draw any conclusions. However it may be interesting to investigate further whether gender is a factor in frequency.

In this research I found that the sense of the ongoing nature of the relationship and the frequency of spouses’ ADCs, gave a larger perspective to the grief and hope of being together again. Devers (1994) found that grief reactions were often complex in relation to resolving grief. Incongruent emotions like happiness in the experience followed by feelings of grief again were present. However she found that the overall sense of the continuity of relationship after death counteracted this and contributed to allaying the grief. In this study incongruity in the emotions was present more often when there were unresolved issues or unfinished business in a relationship. Where these were resolved and healing of the relationships occurred through the ADC, there was a movement over time from grief and mourning to a range of different positive emotions that included love, reassurance, gratitude and peace. Laura in the first months moved from being very distraught to finding peace herself and believing her mother too was at peace.

Did the experience of grief, often with its intense emotions and disturbance in normal everyday functioning contribute to the likelihood of having an ADC experience? Are certain states of consciousness more conducive to having an ADC than others? These were questions that arose from the material. Those who described intense grief experiences and very close relationships with the deceased and who had not spoken of prior paranormal experiences were found to have had a number of ADCs particularly in the earlier and more difficult and intense stages of bereavement. Bernadette, Shirley, Rodicca and Helen are examples of this.

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Devers comments that her participants who were exhausted physically and emotionally by grief, were in a more receptive state because their defences were down. ‘[O]ur bodies are a lot more sensitive and open to things that we don’t allow ourselves to be open to at other times’ (1994, p. 54). Bernadette from this study felt that her emotional state probably contributed to her husband’s ability ‘to get through.’ LaGrand reports a story of a woman who, still in a very emotional time of grieving, had a dream-state ADC a month after her husband died. I believe my husband was trying to console me. I had been extremely upset … I was so emotional that I was unable to go to work that morning. I believe that is why he came to me in my dream that night, to let me know how he was and where he was. The message I received from this dream was that there is life after death… This experience helped me greatly in my grief (1999, p. 217).

Drewry comments in her final summary: It is possible that while grieving produces stressful physiological states that predispose the bereaved to disease, it is also possible that those same physiological states predispose the bereaved to perceiving different frequencies of communication from deceased loved ones, and/or different avenues of healing not yet understood (2003, p. 85).

However another hypothesis could be that the closeness of the relationships might also indicate the deceased, missing their spouses, were more intense and determined in their desire and energy to make contact from ‘the other side.’ The personality type of the bereaved person may also be a factor worthy of further investigation.

Other research has shown ‘you can be contacted by a deceased loved one more easily if you are in a relaxed, open and receptive frame of mind’ (Guggenheim, 1994, p. 128). Tyrell (1962) suggested apparitions often occurred when resting or not fully awake. There was some concordance in this study as some of the ADCs occurred when participants were coming into or out of dozing or sleeping or had just awakened. Marlene who had lost her son through suicide had her transforming experience when the worst intensity of grief was past. She felt he

284 had waited to tell her he was okay until she was ready. She saw him on waking early one morning feeling content about the day.

Both conditions were present in this inquiry, times of relaxed openness and stressful times of yearning and missing. Perhaps the deceased choose the times that will be best from their view of things.

Difficulty in Sharing the Experience

Most of the eighteen participants found it difficult to share their experiences. There were some differences here also between children who had ADC experiences and spouses who had ADC experiences.

Those who had ADCs from parents were generally reluctant to share their experiences for fear of disbelief or scepticism in the face of what was for each one of them a precious and life-changing experience. Most of them had been quite silent about their experiences for many years. Gillian did not talk about her experience for over twenty years until a friend shared her experiences of her deceased husband. Her own husband does not believe there is anything after death so she was not able to talk about it with him. Since sharing for the research, she has talked about it more and has found others with similar stories. Joan’s experience occurred seven years ago and though she told her husband about it the night her ADC occurred, she did not talk more about it for fear that others would be sceptical or unbelieving, until she answered an advertisement for this research and shared her experience. Since then, in the knowledge that others have these experiences, she now shares quite willingly and is less concerned about other’s reactions which she says range from, ‘you are a bit off your tree,’ to ‘oh yeah!’ to an acknowledgement that they too have had such experiences.

Jan, Laura and Carla have shared their experiences rarely for fear of disbelief, but also because they are so precious, too deep and intimate to risk being hurt before sceptical eyes. Linda will talk about her experiences with family and close

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friends if it seems appropriate. Judy will talk about her experiences, seven years on. If they will be helpful she does not hold back now. In fact her attitude has changed with time and a developing confidence and she says, ‘I just feel it is time for people to come out of the closet with this.’ Bruce had not discussed his father’s visits that began nearly fifty years ago. Only recently when he was in a group where others shared, did he tell his story.

Participants who had communication from spouses varied in their responses. Jean-Marie talks quite easily about the spirit world in her work in the Spiritualist Church. Helen is happy to share her experiences with her friends in the retirement village and finds quite a number of these friends have had experiences. They, however, are not willing to talk about their experiences and they tell her they are too private. ‘I think people have a lot of experiences they don’t talk about.’ Charles is more than willing to share his wonderful encounter and the difference it has made. Shirley does not share unless she is sure of a sympathetic ear. ‘The kids, they’d think I was going around the twist.’ Bernadette shares only with close family and a few intimate friends and is reluctant to say very much. Rodicca will share with close friends.

The third group of participants, two siblings, a son and a patient are reluctant to share also. Alice does not share her experience of her brother and Marianne shares about her sister only with very close friends and family. Marlene and Jenny will share their experiences if others are receptive and they think it will help them.

Discussion There is an overall feeling that prevalent social attitudes do not provide a context that makes sharing easy or usual. Even amongst family and close friends there is a wariness and sense of caution about exposing something that has been so significant to an unsympathetic response. Because it is outside what most people would see as an acceptable or normal experience participants do not want to be thought of as different or unusual, or strangely affected by their grief.

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As is evident, most participants had difficulty in communicating their experiences. Their own reticence and recognition of the extraordinary nature of their experience contributes to this. Also, although most came to feel at home with their experience in time many remained silent because their intuition was that others, to whom they may have liked to confide, would not really want to hear because such experiences would threaten their belief system. Remaining silent, while privately keeping it in mind, seems the most common way of living with these experiences. Only one participant told of talking to a person like a doctor, a psychologist or grief counsellor about these experiences. The fear of being labelled in an unfavorable way is strong.

It is accepted readily that having someone to talk to is important in times of grief and loss. Yet when a bereaved person experiences an ADC, an event which has an enormous impact because of the amazing nature of the experience, this study shows that most of my eighteen participants found it difficult to talk about their experiences. Rees (1971) found that even though the widowed in his sample had found the experiences helpful they were afraid to speak because of fear of ridicule and disbelief. Wright (2002) found ‘many people shrink from discussing their ADC experience.’ LaGrand finds in his long experience as a counsellor that for those who grieve, the single obstacle to utilising the ADC as a powerful resource is the belief systems of those who have never had the experience and who dismiss it as an aberration, or a product of a confused mind (1999, p. 211).

Devers found that her participants believed others would judge someone having such an experience as abnormal (1994, p.119). They chose to disclose selectively choosing carefully when, why, how and to whom. In this study all but one participant had found it difficult to talk about their experiences. However there was greater willingness to share once they knew others had similar experiences. During the second interview there were more comments to indicate a sharing of the experiences with someone, subsequent to the first interview, and a release of

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the fear of what others might think. Participants who did share often found others told them about their similar experiences. When the widowed in Grimby’s (1993) study were told that their experiences were common and normal they began to speak freely.

Whitney (1992) found all her participants discussed with a friend or relative. Most were glad to, five were reluctant and only one was afraid. She thought this might have been due to the environmental openness and acceptance within the community from which she drew her participants. All this indicates that the more these experiences can be accepted as a normal part of grief and shared, the more people experiencing bereavement might possibly find help and support for their journey. As Rees (1971) concluded in his study of bereaved in Wales ‘they are a normal consequence of widowhood and not indicative of mental instability.’

Not until the end of his life did Jung share his experiences of after-death communication. He was reassured and comforted by dreams in which his father and his wife communicated with him. ‘What kind of reality lies behind them, we certainly do not know’ (Jung 1963, p. 330). Until his autobiography he had never written expressly about a life after death. It is significant that only at the end of his life did he want to share these experiences of ADC that he had. Even Jung did not share these experiences easily.

Effect on Attitudes toward Death and the After-Life

It is in this area where the most marked changes in thinking occurred. Thoughts of death and the after-life are usually kept at bay in everyday living. The ADC experience confronts these thoughts with enormous clarity, like a spotlight that for a brief moment lights up a scene on a darkened stage before the next act is about to begin. And everyday living is never the same again.

There are changes of belief about an after-life. The fear of death is largely allayed and there is a greater awareness of death and new understandings about death.

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Thoughts about death have a changed quality. They do not have to be so quickly denied and can be allowed space for reflection and insight.

Belief in an Afterlife Of those participants who received communications from parents, two had no belief in an after-life prior to their experiences. When Gillian unexpectedly experienced her mother’s presence on the verandah she realised suddenly that life must be ongoing. The void she experienced when her mother was no longer there was confirmatory to her of her new-found understanding of an ongoing life. She even began to imagine that her own responses would be similar to her mother’s when she was in the same position.

Jan’s two powerful experiences of her mother persuaded her that her mother’s personality and individuality was continuing. Until then she had no belief in God or an after-life. ‘Before this happened I never actually believed in life after death …I didn’t believe in God.’ Barry said he could not afford not to believe in an afterlife and a spirit world, ‘the old man used to come and visit me’ and he says he knows his parents are there together. He does not know how he knows but he is very clear about it. He does not want to face his father, although he says maybe he ‘will end up shovelling coal’ when he does eventually get there.

Charles was totally transformed from a worrying doubt which stretched to disbelief by his vision of his wife standing beside the TV. Nothing could now make him believe otherwise than there is an afterlife. ‘Olga surely lives on in this new dimension, and nothing whatsoever could persuade me otherwise.’ Shirley hopes to be with her husband again but worries there may be some consequences for her ‘being bitchy’ at times in her life with Frank. She hopes she will be good enough to be with him. Death has become familiar and her connection with him reassuring. It has confirmed and strengthened her belief in an after-life. Until her experience with Frank she had not thought much about death, although she believed in an after-life. Now she is quite sure there is an afterlife. All

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participants in the study had a belief in the afterlife confirmed or discovered by a deep sense of ‘knowing’ through their experiences.

Fear of Death Allayed All but two participants said their experiences had taken away their fears about death. Several were amazed, relieved and delighted by the evidence of their parents’ happiness. Joan said she now has a certainty about going to a place after death and her mother’s evident happiness has given her the confidence and courage to think about herself being happy and at peace in a hereafter. Laura was relieved to see and hear of her mother’s happiness after she had been so unhappy. She had ‘gone to a better place.’ Laura now believes ‘death is a setting free of the spirit.’

Linda’s experience of her father has given her confidence to think that death will be okay when it happens. It is not to be feared, it is more like going to another country. However, she is not ready to go there yet. Judy’s extraordinary dream experience of her mother’s radiant happiness in her new life and work gave her a sense of how much her mother’s faith had been fulfilled and confidence that hers also would be fulfilled. There’s that ‘tremendous sense that part of us doesn’t belong to the physical. You just know there’s something else beside the physical involved.’

Carla thought a great deal about her experiences. She realised she did carry a great fear of death and wondered if her three experiences of her mother, her nephew and her friend happened because of this. She now feels more reassured and more comfortable at the thought of death, though its finality, unpredictability and the thought of doing it alone has troubled her at times. She still has contradictory feelings, certainty and uncertainty, hope and fear yet an underlying peace as well. The sense of having to be ready, to have fulfilled her purpose when her time comes is very important for her. She believes her ‘destiny is with God’ and prays for the peace to be ready.

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Jenny’s experiences were quite unique. Initially terrified by the vision of the shroud and struggling to understand it, she accepted her second ADC as being so authentic that she based her life around it. ‘Death is nothing to be afraid of’ became a living reality for her in her work. Maureen also totally changed her attitude to death after her experience of her sister at the moment of death. A sense of freedom and release from the fear of having to keep the rules has given her new life and an expectation that all will be well at her own death because she experienced it was joyous for her sister. They were very close

New Perspectives about Death Bernadette was the only participant who was troubled and expressed that she was, as a result of her experiences, quite afraid of death. Her dream experiences resulted in her belief that life’s struggle is ongoing and there is no immediate transformation. Her belief is now that the struggles she has had here will continue until her growth to wholeness is completed and she reaches that perfection to which she believes she is ultimately called. ‘Grief, loss and suffering and how we deal with them are vital elements in our spiritual development and in our search for wholeness.’

Alice’s experience of an out-of-body contact with her brother while he was on life support changed her thinking about death, as Bernadette had been changed by her experiences. Alice became aware that her brother had the same personality out of the body and was in a learning process as he entered into a new reality and prepared to move on. ‘There is this theory that they turn into an enlightened soul as soon as they are dead, that they have a whole knowledge that they can give to people. Well, that was plainly not true. It was very clear he was different but he was the same.’

Jean-Marie says she has had many experiences of communication with those who have passed on in her work as a medium. She sees death as a rebirth into the spirit world and a place of work where those who have made mistakes in this life have the opportunity to fix them and move on to greater experiences and life.

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‘Everyone has to work in the spirit world. A lot of people think you don’t have to, but you do because you have to make right whatever you’ve done on earth.’

Marlene’s experience with her son confirmed for her there is another place we go. In some ways her understanding is similar to that of Bernadette and Alice, ‘this life is only part of an ongoing learning experience.’ That she experienced Ricky so physically and as ‘okay’ was for her recognition that he had learned from his mistake of taking his life and he was continuing his life and learning somewhere else. The experience was extraordinary, unexpected, unbelievable and yet totally believable at the same time. She believes death is entry into another part of the ongoing journey of the soul.

Relationships experienced as ongoing after death The experience of an ongoing relationship with the deceased loved one was affirmed in a variety of ways. This was discussed in the sixth theme in the previous chapter. Barry’s father’s visits over twenty years helped him develop his business. More than twenty years later he says he is not yet ready to meet up with his father again. That they will meet up again he does not doubt. Linda says she often feels her father’s presence in the home and is aware of his interest in their lives. She believes this awareness was confirmed by the apparitional ADC and also by her visit to a clairvoyant.

The sequence of visits over time was very reinforcing for participants’ trust in the continuance of their relationships. Judy’s ADCs were separated by a number of years. Gillian’s were every night for seventy-two nights. Jan’s second and totally unexpected ADC came after a year and changed her thinking enormously. Bernadette and Shirley had ongoing ADCs from their husbands for a number of years and they felt supported in the first years of their widowhood. Jean-Marie’s ADC from her husband, after twenty-six years, astounded her and reinforced her belief that ‘the love between us is as strong as ever.’ Charles is utterly confident

292 about Olga’s ongoing love because in his ADC she remembered his favorite dress from thirty years before when she stood before him beside the TV.

Marlene’s apparitional ADC from her son came three years after his death by suicide when she had not felt his presence, as she had in the first year, for some time. She was affirmed in his love for her. She could ‘feel my heart beating’ as she watched him sitting beside her bed and received a mental message that he was okay. It was a healing experience.

Discussion All participants believe their relationships with deceased loved ones are ongoing in some form. Importantly the inner image they carry of their deceased is changed and this enables them to live more peacefully in the present. They do not have to let go of the deceased in the same way. The parting is not so final. The relationship is changed but not taken away from them. Although they still miss their loved ones and it is not the same as having them still with them in their lives, their coming to terms with their loss has a different quality from people who have not had such an experience. This was particularly evident for those who thought death was the end of life.

In some families it was difficult because members who did not have an ADC found it hard to understand why they too had not had such an experience. There is no answer to this painful aspect of the ADC experience. There is no way of assessing why some have experiences and some do not. The strength of the emotional bonds and the need for reconciliation do seem to be significant. Another factor appears to be the time there was to prepare for death and to say goodbye. Carla did not have time to say goodbye to her mother and was enormously grateful for her ADC. She loved her father dearly and wondered about the fact that he did not come back. However, she acknowledged they had time together to say their good byes before he died.

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A marked increase in belief in an after-life following an ADC is evident in the literature. Devers reports that ‘the experience provided concrete evidence for them of existence after death’ (1994, p. 93). All of Drewry’s (2003) participants had a ‘knowing’ that consciousness and love survive death and they looked forward to the reunion with their loved ones.

In Whitney’s study (1992) eight of twenty-four participants did not know if they believed before the experience and only two were undecided afterwards. Wright (2002) reported many of her interviewees were sceptics before and their personal experience made them believers. As one of her experiencers reports, I think it’s important for people to know about spirit. I couldn’t believe in spirit unless I’d experienced it. To me faith is shakier than experience. If someone says, ‘I believe this’ maybe you can take that away. But if I experience it no one can take that away from me. So I tell people about the experiences I’ve had because I think they’re so heartening (Wright 2002, p. 211).

Haraldsson (1988) reports that recent survey data indicates a widespread belief in life after death in most countries of Western Europe and North America. National differences were found in different countries, those with the lowest percentages being France and Denmark. An even more recent report by Haraldsson (2005) shows a comparison of belief in an afterlife in Eastern and Western Europe from data collected from 1999 to 2002. Belief in an afterlife was higher overall in Western Europe than Eastern Europe. However it was lowest in West Germany and Denmark in Western Europe, and lowest in East Germany and Slovenia in Eastern Europe. The differences in belief in various countries suggest the power of a shared culture and patterns of living to shape our beliefs. What is remarkable and different about those who have had an ADC experience from those who have not, whatever the cultural background, is this clear shift from non-belief or belief to a ‘knowing.’

As a consequence of this ‘knowing’ participants changed their perceptions and feelings about death. Most participants said the experiences had taken away their fears about death or that they now fear death less. Four claimed they had not

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feared death before the experience and their ADCs confirmed them in this. Only one feared death more because of her husband’s apparent lack of adjustment and loneliness on ‘the other side’ that was shared in the early times of her ADCs.

Drewry’s (2003) respondents feared death less after an ADC experience. Half of Whitney’s (1992) respondents feared death less and none believed in a punitive, painful or frightening after-life. ‘The most prevalent effect of contact was the way it convinced people of the existence of a non-punitive after-life which is available to all’ (p. 56). As Devers commented, ADCs are full of hope. At the root of the ADC experience is a message to the survivor that life is not meaningless or hopeless. It is sacred. And because death holds such fear for us contact with the deceased allays a great deal of our fear (1999, p. 150).

For most participants the happiness and peace of those they loved was evident in their experiences and this gave them confidence about their own futures.

Greeley (1995) studied the ADC in the context of its potential to shape religious imagination. He found an ADC experience was more likely to shape religious imagination than vice versa. He found the imaginations of the widowed were more likely than the imaginations of others to think of God as Lover rather than as Judge. He hypothesised that a bereaved person might first experience contact with the deceased and this experience might shift their thoughts about God upwards on a scale from Judge towards Lover. He studied losses of siblings, parents and children and found the sibling loss indicated the same shift as widows from God as Judge to God as Lover. He thought one reason why these participants scored highly towards God as Lover might have been that a spouse and a sibling are part of one’s own generation and have shared life together longer than is the case with a parent or child. His study led him to seriously consider the possibility that an experience of being in touch with someone who is dead might affect the imagination of a bereaved person in the direction of a more benign view of God. He concluded that it is the actual ‘contact’ that affects religious imagination (Greeley 1995, pp. 220 – 227).

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Although the sample size for this research is small there are some findings to support those of Greeley. Any sense of judgement vanished for Marianne after her contact with her sister. Carla said she believed there was no judgement after her experience with her nephew, and Joan came to a much more benign view of judgement after her ADC and she felt closer to God. Shirley and Jean-Marie’s views of God moved more strongly towards the Lover end of the scale.

All participants believe their relationships with deceased loved ones are ongoing in some form and they will meet them again. They saw this within the context of their belief in a Higher Power, God, or however they understood Ultimate Mystery. It was very much part of their new spiritual understanding. Many spoke of their realisation of the continuity between life here and life hereafter following their experiences. There was the awareness of an ongoing journey. The experience of contact through an ADC normalizes the experience of death and the reality of an after-life even though it does not take away the pain of loss. Linda’s experience of her father gave her an understanding she would be fine when her time came to go. As a woman that Devers interviewed said, ‘I guess some people have never thought of the possibility that there and here are the same place’ (1994, p. 94).

In the discussion I have focused on the experiences, changing attitudes and beliefs regarding death and the process of grief. The sense of ongoing relationship with the deceased and the power of ADCs to heal and bring peace to relationships that were unfinished at the time of death have also been discussed.

Changes in Self, Life and Living, Purpose and Meaning

I focus now on life changes that occurred and how these changes were being manifested in participants’ daily lives. This focus is on the changes that participants themselves see as relating directly to their ADC experiences. For some they have been like springboards taking them to a further unfolding of their

296 life journeys, and for others they have acted as catalysts precipitating a change in life’s direction. Sometimes it is difficult to identify just what makes the difference when a new path is taken. Many factors influence the decisions one makes as a new direction unfolds. The participants, however, attribute the changes discussed here directly to their ADC experiences.

Because of the extraordinary nature of ADC experiences they do continue to resonate in conscious thought, or retain their power in memory until drawn out for re-examination and deeper reflection. I am reminded of the metaphor of the stone cast into the lake and ripples that continue in an ever-expanding circle. Everything is affected in an ongoing way. The interconnectedness of the life journey and these experiences is constantly revealed. The experiences generate on-going energy as their personal meaning is uncovered, reflected upon and lived out. When Carla reflected on her experiences, she said ‘one is never quite the same after a few visits from loved ones’ who have died. All participants would agree.

There are similarities in the after-effects of ADCs and notable differences. I present examples of change from the stories. Even though I present these changes under different headings they are all interrelated. Changes in one area of life are intimately related to changes in other areas. Some participants described more changes than others. Some lives were transformed by these experiences, personally and spiritually. Changes in the sense of self, new understanding of life and living, a renewed sense of purpose and meaning, spiritual transformation and changes in psychic sensitivity were spoken about by participants. I expand on these changes below.

Change in Sense of Self One notable after effect for most participants was an increase in self-confidence in their way of being and living in the world. Self-acceptance, self worth, a feeling

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of empowerment and greater freedom in work and relationships were commonly mentioned. Twelve participants expressed these feelings strongly. Linda said: Seeing Dad boosted my confidence in some strange way. There had been a huge element of self-doubt. I started to feel a lot more confident after that, that I was in fact on the right track

Judy, who began to find the whole quality of her life more balanced and happy said, ‘I’m more confident with what I can cope with now.’ Marianne said she felt freer to be herself and allow different parts of herself to emerge. Comfortable clothes rather than suits are suiting her now. ‘It has freed up a lot of stuff. Life was about living between the lines. … everything had to be just right. I just feel I’m much freer.’

Jean-Marie and Jenny became more self-confident about their gifts and what they could bring to others. Rodicca felt empowered to handle the difficulties in her life that had been overwhelming her. ‘You know I still got up and was worried. I got sacked, but you know I fought it all the way. Everything was alright.’ Jan became less rigid in her thinking as her belief system changed. Helen became a freer spirit and more self-confident. Laura started to trust her own inner self more, her ‘intuitions and inner knowings.’ Shirley has become more reflective and notices that she is able to be more of a listener to others, and that others now share more about themselves with her.

New Understandings about Life and Living This was also of note. The learnings were different for each one and seemed to indicate that the ADCs provided the stimulus to rethink many parts of their lives that they had taken for granted. In the light of their extraordinary experiences and with a new sense of life’s immediacy, a grasp of the reality that life is ongoing and continuous, each participant faced his or her own life in a new way. The death-denying culture in which we live supports keeping death and thoughts of death out of sight. However, as a result of their experiences most participants felt very differently about death. This has given them a new sense of the

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‘preciousness of life’ and a new confidence in living a larger life. Life appears to have gained a new edge, become more of an adventure, freer, with less to lose.

Carla talked about treasuring each moment, and about ‘bringing sparkle’ to other’s lives because moments do not repeat. Linda sees after-death as part of life now. She has a strong sense of the importance of being connected to one another in love. Sharing on both sides of the bridge of death is now of the greatest importance to her. Jan’s stoicism has been challenged and she has grown to be more open to others and to new ideas. Alice sees there is ‘not such a division between bodily life and life after death –individuated energy continues to exist.’ She was with her brother at the transition point. Charles understands from his experience with Olga that after-life is going to be wonderful and he can now enjoy his life here to the full.

Rodicca became aware she is a spiritual being and through her subsequent reading she has come to understand herself better. She understands the power of her thoughts. She saw she needed to change her old patterns because her thoughts were like voices in her mind increasing her fears. As she changed her patterns of thinking she became more grateful for her life and the journey of her soul. She is now more positive about herself and what she can do to make a difference.

There is too, an enlargement of what is possible to experience. Gillian had not dreamt there was a life after death and Jean-Marie talks about the power of unconditional love and her growth in spiritual understanding. Judy has discovered that love is the essence of everything. Marlene is the only participant who felt her experience had not changed her life. ‘No real difference because I really believed before. I had always said to him I would make contact with him.’

The values of materialism and the pursuit of wealth have diminished for most of the participants. Carla said she has less desire for ‘things’. Joan has found that material things are not so important now. Rodicca and Bernadette do not worry about money as they used to do - they were each advised not to worry in their

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ADCs. For Alice work now holds a smaller place and her need to be a ‘high flyer’ is less insistent. Priorities have changed, beauty, enjoying life, and finding ways of being happy are now higher on the list. Laura is happy living in the country and enjoys her animals. Her care for the aged and the dying now give a deeper sense of meaning to her life.

Sense of Purpose and Meaning Ten participants said that since their ADCs they felt they had an increased sense of purpose in their lives. Carla said her sense of purpose had not changed so much as been refocused and redirected. Her way of being with people is different now. Every moment is important because moments in life do not repeat. Shirley said her sense of purpose had grown strongly and she knew there was something she had to do, but she was not yet sure what it was. ‘I’m going to get involved. I’d like to help people.’ She is thinking about emergency services, disaster relief or grief work. She trusts she will be shown the direction she is meant to take. Her children are feeling quite nervous about it.

Judy found that her sense of purpose and direction was confirmed in her study of homeopathy. ‘I know where I’m going now. She was showing me.’ She feels immensely blessed by the direction she is now going. She has her own centre for healing and after many years of service in other forms she feels she is now ‘embracing this whole new life as though it was always meant to be.’ Jenny has been a nurse for most of her life. Her sense of purpose about the special focus of her ADC gave her greater confidence in sharing her knowledge that death is nothing to be afraid of. She believes she was given the experience when she was seventeen for a purpose, to use it ‘for a common good.’ She responds to those who are scared of dying and tries to send inner peace to them.

Laura, in the aftermath of her mother’s death and her ADCs, knew she had to do something more meaningful with her life and be with others who have found

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`meaning as she has. At the time of her first experience, ‘I seemed to be with people who would not have understood had I attempted to tell them the sensation I had felt. And I needed to go on and do something more meaningful.’ Her work in the nursing home keeps her close to the spiritual meaning of her life now. Helen, with her new sense of freedom, contributes much energy and generosity to the life of a retirement village and its activities. Rodicca believes her work is to help people. Her ADC experience impelled her into a new way of looking at her life. Her growth in spiritual understanding now fuels her sense of commitment and purpose. ‘I certainly believe there is a Higher Being. I certainly believe I have been groomed and I am helping people.’

Barry struggles with his sense of meaning and purpose. His father’s coming, ambivalently wanted, aided his career journey. It was what his father said he would have done but it did not seem to provide him with a strong sense of his own purpose in his life. I don’t think I’ve ever seriously thought about what is the meaning of life, what is the purpose. … I guess there is a meaning to every person and the way they live, what they do, what drives a person to do whatever it is they do. I really feel we do the best we can with our lives and a lot of things that happen to us in our lives are not what we would have chosen. I really don’t think I was put here for any specific purpose … Just nature taking its course.

His amazing experiences of his father have not alleviated the underlying sense of sadness within him. He has not found answers spiritually. He does not accept religion. Because he sees it as a form of ‘control of the masses’ he will not get involved. Yet he did live out his desire to make a success of his life and to make a contribution first to the family business and then to his own. Maybe this indicates his contribution was largely anonymous even to himself.

Although Marlene said her experience of Ricky did not effect changes in her life, it did confirm for her that ‘the experience of life has a very definite purpose. It is a gift, an opportunity that enables us to grow and evolve into a purely loving and spiritual being.’ She feels the passing of the years have given her the opportunity

301 to realise this into action. She has worked for many years helping those who have lost loved ones, particularly in difficult to manage times of grieving and loss.

Discussion All participants have changed attitudes to life and living. Eleven spoke about changes in attitude to self. Most moved into their work or new pursuits, either paid or voluntary, with greater hope and confidence, with less interest in material values and a renewed sense of purpose that what they did with their lives was meaningful. In the more general effects on percipients’ lives Whitney (1992) found that for some the effects were profound, for others barely noticeable. However the contact experiences gave them a broader perspective. In this study the effects were towards the profound end of the continuum.

Devers (1994) explored the process of how her participants found an inner concordance with their own beliefs and reconciled these with those of society. She did find that after their ADC experience some participants named new understandings that came out of their experiences. These included - deriving meaning about themselves, that they would be all right still living, a better sense of what was important in life, things were put in perspective, there was a desire to be more spiritual (Devers 1994, p. 92). In her later book she speaks of ‘the meaning, power and healing’ that these events provided, and of ‘the paradigm shift’ that the sudden nature of ADC created in the survivor. ‘Often this new paradigm embraces a highly spiritual, highly optimistic outlook’ (Devers 1997, p. 146).

LaGrand in his book Messages and Miracles (1999) outlines his conclusions as to how ADCs change the lives of mourners. He emphasises that these changes are highly individualistic and occur according to specific needs and circumstances and are not applicable to all. This is also evident in my research. Judy opened a healing centre, Jean-Marie went into working within the Spiritualist Church, Jenny and Laura were especially interested in helping the dying, Rodicca worked in her profession with a focus towards helping people.

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LaGrand (1999) also found changes in worldview about life and death, that reality broadens to include the unseen, that the mourner becomes more open and positive. Emotional changes result from finding meaning in the death of the loved one, from integrating the loss, from finding a sense of continuity about an afterlife and the sustaining bonds of love. Behavioural changes are an outcome of the emotional changes. They are tangible to the mourner and include the motivation to reinvest in life, a renewal of energy, and strength to go on.

Although Wright (2002) does not explicitly discuss the effects of ADCs, her own life journey attests to the power and effect of ADC experiences in her life. Her book, in itself, is making a significant contribution to broaden people’s understanding of the phenomenon. Drewry (2003) describes some of the long- term effects of ADCs. These include providing survivors with an expanded awareness of who they are and who they can be, a worldview that includes aspects outside consensus reality, changes in choices and behaviours, and a new level of conscious awareness of being part of a larger reality.

An intention of this research was to delineate in more detail the types of changes that occur as a result of ADCs. The sense of self worth and self-confidence that came was noticeable. Painting the contours of one’s life within a bigger canvas contributed to new understandings about life and living, and to a perception of living in a bigger world. Jan became more open to others and to new ideas. ‘It has made a big difference to the things I do, and the way I interact with people,’ said Carla. Linda brings energy and confidence to her work with people and believes that when she is tired there are helpers from the other side that help her renew her energy. For the majority of the participants the sense of purpose and meaning in their lives was expanded or renewed. Jean-Marie, Laura, Jenny and Judy all moved into work that helps others and holds great meaning for them in the context of their amazing experiences. Gratitude for the experiences was expressed on many different levels. Participants felt especially blessed in their connection with their loved ones. Drewry also found that her participants ‘felt

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blessed and privileged to experience ADCs, even if initially frightened or saddened’ (2003, p. 78).

Effect on Spiritual and Religious Understanding

What difference have these experiences made to the sense of the spiritual in the lives of the participants, to their religious beliefs and attitudes and to their ideas about God? This section is difficult to assess. The spiritual and religious beliefs and attitudes prior to the ADC experiences were wide ranging. Some participants have words to name their experiences while others are not accustomed to thinking within particular spiritual or religious categories. Some have no religious background, others belong to a religious denomination. Some had a deep spiritual awareness prior to their experiences, others had very little or none.

However it would be true to say that everyone in the group began to think in a more spiritual way as a result of their experiences. They became more aware of being spiritual beings who were living their human lives within a bigger context. For some this was more mind-blowing than for others who had a basic belief or understanding that there was a hereafter before their experiences. However the authenticity and impact of the experiences affected everyone and changed their spiritual attitudes towards living out their human experience in many different ways

Prior to her experiences Jan had no spiritual or religious belief. She did not believe in God or life after death or any sense of a soul going on. ‘It shifted my thinking immensely.’ Jan does not expand on this but she now believes there is an ongoing life and lives reflectively within the new understandings her experiences have presented to her. Gillian ‘did not know if there was anything after you die.’ She did not belong to any religion. Like Jan she does not have words for her new understandings and as her experiences opened up questions in her mind she acknowledges that ‘it has influenced the spiritual side of things.’

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She knows that what has happened to her has made ‘a big difference’ in her life. It is not easy to articulate this.

Charles did not believe in resurrection or an afterlife either. He had been a member and an elder of the Uniting Church. He had struggled for a long time with some of the beliefs like Resurrection in the Creed and came to a stage where he could not say the whole Creed when he was at Church. It felt more ‘like old time make-believe served up by the Church.’ His ADC experience of his wife standing before him changed him completely. He now has ‘this wonderful reinforcement to faith’ and ‘absolute faith there is a hereafter.’ He lives now in the confidence of his spiritual journey and the practice of his faith in the Uniting Church and waits patiently.

Rodicca’s spiritual journey began after her ADC experience. She had not taken much interest in that side of her life other than being nominally and culturally part of the Greek Orthodox Church. She began to read spiritual books. Her thinking expanded, she understood her life as a spiritual journey as she had never understood it before. She gained a new perspective on how to live her life, to be of service, to realise her connection with a Higher Self, and to trust that she was cared for and supported. The spiritual side of her life is now very important. She believes in a Higher Being and has a strong faith that although life is difficult she will be provided with all she needs to grow her soul and live out her spiritual journey.

Barry, Helen and Marlene did not find themselves changed spiritually by their experiences. Marlene had always believed in an after-life and lived her spirituality in her loving service to others and with many of the understandings she gained from the Spiritualist Church. Her ADC experience confirmed and deepened her understanding. Helen had grown in her spiritual understandings while her husband was with her and they have not changed. She believes in God and an after-life but does not go to church anymore. She lives her spirituality

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within the retirement community where she contributes generously. Barry has his basic belief in a Supreme Being and a belief that ‘spirit recycles.’ He has not been interested in formal religions.

Joan had worried about her mother’s lack of interest in her religion and her non- attendance at church. As a result of her ADC experience of her mother she does not worry anymore. She feels closer to God and more sure of his presence in her life because of the experience and at the same time she feels freed of the absolutes that her religious understanding had required of her. She sometimes wishes she spent more time spiritually.

Like Joan, Shirley, Bernadette, Carla and Marianne have a strong loyalty and background of practice towards their religious tradition. Their ACD experiences affected them in different ways. The sense of judgment has gone for Marianne as it has for Joan, and also for Carla. ‘I tend to think there is a far gentler dealing with our souls than we have been led to believe.’ This for Marianne has given her the sense of her wholeness as being made up of both the light and the dark of her experiences. ‘I think we have been duped.’ She feels freer to pursue her spiritual path, not so limited within the lines, and her faith journey grows stronger as she lets go of the burden of rules and regulations of ‘organisational church’ while retaining an appreciation of its goodness.

Shirley’s commitment is strong. As a result of her ADCs she believes in God ‘more so now that I have ever done.’ That God is ‘very strongly in my life’ has become very important. It has drawn from her an enormous sense of gratitude for her life and her journey and a feeling now of wanting to give back for all she has received. A sense of purpose around what she can do and give in the rest of her life has grown. Bernadette’s theological understandings have been challenged by her experiences particularly around the notions of heaven, hell and purgatory. And with that has come an understanding that ‘many of us spend our lives on things that are of little or no importance.’ She has looked at what the really

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important things in life are about as a result of her ADCs. She sees her spiritual journey as deeply significant for her now, and as based in love and service. It has become her way of growing into ‘wholeness’ and into becoming who she is meant to be.

Carla and Judy were each on a spiritual path before their ADC experiences. Their experiences have affected each of them powerfully. They have contributed to the integration of their personal and spiritual lives and given them a sense of wholeness about themselves. They live their lives now within a deeply spiritual perspective. Carla is much freer, freer with others and feels she can now truly be herself. Following her experiences with her mother and subsequently her two later ADCs with a nephew and a friend, Carla looks very differently at her life and lives it in the light of the reality of her journey towards a life after death. The preciousness of life and of giving life to one another while one can is combined with a sense of purpose and destiny. God has become more central as a focus, there is a new sense of peace and prayer is more important in her life. In death she is going somewhere, it is still clothed in mystery but she knows God is central to this for her. ‘The feelings of death’s surety keep touching me.’

Before her ADC experiences with her mother Judy was living her life within a deeply spiritual perspective. Transcendent spiritual experiences and psychic awareness grew out of a need to cope with great trauma and pain. She became aware of numinous spiritual beings and the sacredness of her experiences. Her ADC experiences confirmed the path she was on and the direction she was taking. Her mother’s evident happiness gave her a sense that her mother was living out what they both believed in spiritually. A profound sense of feeling blessed, a knowingness of being part of something greater, something wonderful, were deepened and confirmed. ‘The spiritual life is just such a wonderful thing. And to be without it, I couldn't imagine.’ The centrality of love, of being ‘part of a unified field’ where we are all connected and ‘everything we do affects

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everything else’ lies at the heart of Judy’s mystical understanding of her life and her spiritual path.

Linda too has become more aware of the centrality and importance of the connectedness between people, both here and on the ‘other side’ as a result of her ADC experiences with her father and psychic experiences she continues to have. The spirit world is very real to her now. What has changed for her is her sense of being part of a community. With that has come a sense of ‘the value of people, the love and the sharing. And the sense of community, a small community or a wider community, that’s just so much more important than anything else.’ Linda inhabits a bigger, interconnected and more spiritual world, God is in that but is not understood. On that mystery her ‘jury is still out.’

Laura and Jenny have both lived their lives from a deepened spiritual perspective following their ADC experiences. For both of them caring for the dying has been part of their work. Jenny’s ADC message from her patient, ‘death is nothing to be afraid of’, and Laura’s understanding of death as ‘a setting free of the spirit’ have given them both a deeply spiritual approach and a sense of bringing peace to those who are dying. They both continue to search and to deepen their spiritual understanding. Laura seeks God in her life and has no fear of dying now. She, like Linda, believes we are surrounded by a spirit world. She feels closer to the indigenous people’s understanding of a spirit world and a spirituality of living simply, and in tune with nature and with people. Wendy finds her sense of a spirit world has grown and after forty years feels at peace with her spirit and her life’s work.

Jean-Marie and Alice are both very psychic. They feel they have always had a knowledge of a spirit world from when they were quite young. Jean-Marie’s ADC experience the night her husband died was more of a catalyst for her to develop this side of herself and find out who she really was. Her journey has been a spiritual one. She has tried to work with the spirit world as an intermediary, in a spirit of unconditional love to help people. She believes her

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gift is God-given and uses it to the best of her ability. She has been living this journey for the last thirty years.

Alice was affected by her brother’s presence to her as he was moving out of his body into a spirit form. It was a powerful experience that contributed a focus and depth to her experiences of two more deaths in her family since her brother’s death three years ago. They have been a part of her spiritual journey and together with a broken relationship have given her a sharper perspective to what is important in her life now. She is grieving and living into understanding all that has happened to her. She feels a need to live her life more in tune with her spiritual understandings and with a God who embraces all of this. She is more aware of attending to beauty in her life, of being passionate about life, of enjoying life and finding a way of being happy. Marianne’s spiritual journey has become freer, not so connected to ‘organizational Church’. It ‘bubbles along underneath’ and her experience of her sister sustains her new-found confidence in living her life more joyously and fully.

Discussion The spiritual journeys of all the participants have been shaped in different ways by their experiences. The preciousness of life, the reality of the afterlife and for most the centrality of God’s presence even if named in different ways, have been revalued and are appreciated more deeply. Gratitude and a sense of wanting to make a contribution to life and to others have also been strong elements of the continuing life journeys.

Participants came to be involved in their own ways in forms of giving, living and working that were spiritually based and were related to the knowledge and the sense of purpose the ADCs and their other death-related experiences had given them. It gave what they did an energy and goodness that contributed to the whole, and to the larger meanings. The experience of after-death contact opens up thoughts about the spiritual and religious aspects of one’s life. These thoughts can often be held in abeyance in everyday life as one lives in a world caught up

309 with material values, getting ahead, doing all that needs to be done to survive, bringing up a family, or working to enhance a career. When death comes into one’s orbit through a family member or friends it invites reflection about the spiritual and religious parts of one’s life. Experiences like September 11 and the Tsunami also hold these thoughts up for examination. They can come more frequently as one approaches one’s own death, being more easily put aside earlier in life.

For those who have had an ADC experience, thoughts about the spiritual and the ongoing life of spirit become very relevant. In this research everyone in the group began to think in a more spiritual way as a result of their experiences. The participants came from widely different religious, or non-religious, backgrounds. A more conscious spiritual life became important for nine participants and a spiritual way of living was evident also in the lives of five participants. The other four participants were more spiritually aware, Joan felt closer to God and also wished she lived more spiritually. Helen learnt about the spiritual side of things through her husband and these have been confirmed. Gillian knew that the spiritual was more important in her life after her ADC and Barry lives with an awareness of the ongoing life of spirit and believes spirit recycles.

The Guggenheim research includes many accounts of ADC experiences that include within them emotional and spiritual effects. Perhaps at some future time they will be extracted and collated. However it was obvious to them that ‘almost all the experiencers, including some who had been devout skeptics, were transformed emotionally and spiritually by their ADCs’ (1997, p. 19).

Devers discovered that some of the outcomes for participants who found spiritual explanations for their experiences were that it ‘made them want to be more spiritual’ and ‘made the spiritual realm seem more accessible’ (1994, p. 93). Some felt closer to God and some felt closer to the deceased. Whitney (1992) spoke of effects on religion and spirituality. She said the ADCs deepened her percipients’ sense of spirituality, confirmed and affirmed it as well as teaching

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them that all life is connected and each individual is important. All her interviewees felt very connected with a higher power. Twelve in her sample did not identify with any religion, two were eclectic, ten identified with a broad range of religions.

In my research the religious affiliation did not seem significant to the experience in itself. Those who were affiliated did not change although several recipients became more relaxed about dogma and expectations. Seven identified with a range of religions, two identified with the Spiritualist church, and two were eclectic. Seven did not identify with any religion although there was a religious background somewhere in the past.

In America, Greeley (1995) found in his research that contact with the dead for the widowed correlated significantly with some measure of religious behaviour. He also found that those who prayed frequently were more likely to have such experiences than those who did not pray. Rees (1971) found the incidence of experiences of an ADC was not affected by social variables such as religious belief. Olson et al. (1984) found that of the forty-six widows all but one reported actively practising her religious faith. More research may indicate whether prayer and religious practice attune one to the spiritual and psychic dimensions and therefore enhance the possibility of having an ADC, or whether the initiative comes from the deceased whether the receiver has a spiritual background or not. There is some evidence for each of these positions in the existing data.

Effect on Psychic Sensitivity

This is a complex factor in this sample. Five participants, Linda, Marianne, Alice, Jean-Marie and Judy had clear and strong psychic ability earlier in their lives. Their ADCs appeared to enhance or stimulate their psychic capacities. For eight participants the effect of their experiences on their psychic sensitivity is ambiguous.

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Linda and Marianne were not sure how to understand or trust their earlier psychic experiences. Their ADCs, and other death-related experiences, both confirmed and enhanced their abilities. Linda’s increased psychic ability and acceptance has meant that she often experiences communications from the world of spirit. She is not afraid of this now, rather she sees it as an expression of the expansion of herself as a person. She is more complex and life is more interesting than she would once have believed. Intuitive psychic experiences that puzzled her once have now been integrated into her own sense of herself and her growing capacities. She too is much freer in the way in which she lives her life because of this. Marianne sees her experience with her sister as validating a lot of the earlier psychic experiences and allowing her to own them and trust them as real. Now she wants to explore this side of herself. ‘There’s almost a permission if you like, for me to immerse in it a bit’ in these psychic experiences she is still having. Alice did not comment that there had been a change in her psychic capacity.

Jean-Marie chose to develop her latent psychic ability after her husband’s death and her ADCs around that time, and years later discovered she had a clairvoyant ability following her ADC of her husband’s physical presence. Judy’s psychic ability is integrated into her spirituality and healing work. For Jean-Marie and Judy their psychic sensitivities were closely connected to their spirituality and their spiritual journeys. They both saw the psychic capacity they had as contributing to and supporting what was more central, their spiritual life and their spiritual contribution to others’ lives.

Increase of awareness was also commented upon by Bruce who spoke of his experiences of déjà vu in cities he had never visited previously. Helen spoke of experiences of astral travel and Jenny spoke of the smell of eucalyptus when she is stressed. Carla wondered if her first ADC and a subsequent growing valuing of her spiritual life and the practice of meditation had contributed to her later experiences of ADC.

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The intensity of the grief reaction was particularly evident in the stories shared by eight participants, Shirley, Bernadette, Rodicca, Carla, Helen, Marlene, Gillian and probably Joan. They did not speak of any particular previous psychic ability. Yet Shirley, Bernadette, Rodicca and Helen had a number of ADCs over the early and most troubled time of grief. Rodicca’s emotional and mental state was very intense and hard to manage at the time of her powerful healing ‘dream’ of her spouse. Did the emotional and physiological reactions to intense grief and heightened emotion contribute to their capacity to receive successive ADCs and to an increased sensitivity to the paranormal? Was their resistance lowered so that they were psychically more sensitive and able to receive these communications?

Bernadette commented that she wondered if the effect of her emotional distress made her more susceptible to receiving the communications from her spouse. She noted that in the three years following his death she dreamt of him quite frequently as well as having other experiences earlier in her more intense phase of grief. Yet she had not remembered dreaming a great deal before that time and she has not remembered dreaming very much, if at all, since that time. She also noticed the influence of the moon, many of her experiences being around the time of the full moon.

Her communications were manifestations of energy, felt energy in the body and in the mind. Her dream experiences around the time of the full moon may indicate the greater light energies available also contributed to the manifestations of the experiences of the dream ADCs for Bernadette. It would be interesting to know if this was a factor in any of the other experiences. We do have the folklore of the full moon having an effect on people in a variety of ways. These experiences were surprising to her because of her sense of herself as essentially a practical and pragmatic person. Shirley had similar thoughts about her experiences. It would be valuable to ascertain whether grief and emotional responses allow another side

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of the personality, a more intuitive side, to open up and more easily receive these extraordinary experiences.

Discussion The sample of participants contributes to the ongoing conversation about psi. It is evident in this group of participants that for some there were increases in psychic sensitivity after the ADC experiences. For others the grief and greater emotional lability during the period of mourning may have contributed to the larger number of ADC experiences over a longer period for spouses whose earlier relationships had been very close and long lasting. It has been found that people who have psychic awareness and have had a number of paranormal experiences in their lives are more likely to have ADC experiences. Wright (2002) found there was often a prior history of psychic awareness and/or an increase of psychic sensitivity after the ADC experiences in her study. This inquiry supports her finding. Linda, Maureen, Jean-Marie, Judy and Alice all had a history of psychic experiences and had continued to have them following their ADC’s. Linda and Jean-Marie also reported increases in psychic sensitivity.

Wright (2003) also identified that a relationship existed between psychic ability and a difficult childhood and/or abusive family situation. In this research some of the participants also had a difficult childhood and family situations that were less than ideal. Loneliness, absent and busy parents, authoritarian parents, alcohol abuse and sexual abuse and war, were some of the childhood environments for at least thirteen participants. I did not ask a specific question about their earlier lives and any knowledge of this emerged naturally in the course of the interviews. What was shared seems to support Wright’s findings. In this study because there were troubled childhood backgrounds for some participants and heightened psychic ability, either or both of these factors could have contributed to more frequent ADCs.

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Emotional states of grief also appeared to increase the likelihood of ADC experiences in this study. Shirley’s and Bernadette’s stories suggest this. Whether these states indicate a temporary or more permanent heightening of psychic ability would need to be the subject of further research. Jung’s research into personality types may also provide another avenue of exploration.

Are some people more likely to experience a sense of presence because of their personality type. Jung developed a typology of personality. He described some persons as sensation types and some as intuitive types. Sensation types receive information more frequently via the senses, pay attention to detail, are observant, are practical and confident about facts. Intuitive types gain information more easily by an awareness of the whole, they are often described as having a ‘gut feeling’ a hunch or a premonition, or a ‘sixth sense’. ‘Because intuition is in the main an unconscious process, its nature is very difficult to grasp’ (Jung 1971, p. 221). In Jung’s typology people are described as sensation or intuitive types according to their favorite and most used perceptive process or way of obtaining information. It is not surprising that those who are highly intuitive have a higher degree of psychic sensitivity and therefore more likely to have ADCs. The experience of grief may be a factor that increases the intuitive capacity during the more intense times of grief for those who are more sensate. This is an area for further research.

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Reflection All participants continue to live out the ramifications of the ADC experiences and their after-effects. This research has been something like taking a still shot at one point in time and analysing it, or making a film that ended at the end of the interviews. Five years on there may be further interesting developments and changes as the extraordinary, paranormal and spiritual implications of their experiences continue to resonate in their lives and, like stones thrown into a lake, create ripples and form ever widening circles of influence and interest.

These experiences can also be described as ‘limit’ experiences. David Tracy (1996) refers to ‘limit experiences’ as those experiences at the horizon or cutting edge of our understanding of reality. They take us outside of ourselves for a time as we stand on the edge of understanding. They offer new perspectives, new meanings, and new challenges. The extraordinary ADC experiences in this study certainly enlarged the world-views of the participants. They now believe life’s possibilities are greater than they had imagined. There is a richness to life, they have looked beyond a limit, a boundary thought to be permanent and ‘in place.’ What was possible to experience has expanded to include a spirit world, previously inaccessible, whence loving ones have returned. Life is a continuing journey.

The final step of the phenomenological method is a description of the ADC experience that shows how the eighteen participants in this study, as a group, experienced the ADC. It portrays the themes, integrates them and provides a synthesis of the essence and meanings of the experiences. It is a summary of what I have discovered about the experience of after death communication and its effects.

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Chapter Nine In Conclusion

An Essential Description of the ADC Experience The ADC is a startling, surprising and compelling experience. Experiencers, often recently bereaved, realise that their deceased loved one is present in some mysterious and amazing way. They describe feelings that are wide-ranging and strong, from terror, fear and shock, to amazement and wonder, awe and gratitude. They are variously overwhelmed, disoriented, disturbed, surprised, comforted and reassured. This manifestation of presence carries a certainty that this is indeed their loved one. It may be a familiar smell, a hearing, a seeing that convinces. It may be a full physical manifestation, a multi-sensory presence, a telepathic contact, a symbolic manifestation or a psychokinetic event. It may be a dream that feels more than a dream, more like a real meeting and communicating.

What stands out is that an overall purpose or message emerges as a result of the communication. It is evident deceased loved ones desire to make contact and to convey love, reassurance, help and sometimes information, bringing an awareness to the bereaved of the enduring nature of the relationship across the boundary of death. The messages are reminders of the relationship and often reveal an intimacy, care, guidance, and complexity that brings an astonishing knowledge of the authentic presence of the deceased. As well as care and reassurance, the ADC brings a message about the loved one. Sometimes there is the sense of missing, or of restored health and energy, or of contentment, or of radiant happiness, or even a sense of disorientation about the new state of being. Most of all there is a sense of the enduring power of love to bridge the grief and pain of the loss and to bring hope and reassurance.

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When the extraordinary experience ends, the memory of it endures as the bereaved grapple with the experience. They are disturbed, they are preoccupied and puzzled. They question it, walk around it, they are pleased and reassured, often a secret joy comes. They have touched something that was thought to be beyond their ken, someone thought to be inaccessible, unassailable; and into their presence, the presence of their loved one has come.

The ADC becomes an experience of grace. Faith comes to a place of knowing. Unbelief too, changes into knowing. The worst of grief is alleviated. The bereaved realise the relationship with their loved one is changed, not ended. They continue to miss the physical presence and the ways of being together but now there is a realization they are gone, not lost. From within the deep places of this separation there is a ‘knowing’ that the loved one’s essence or self, a spiritual self, has transcended the physical realm and lives with an enduring personality within a larger non-physical world. The bereaved, because of their experiences, know that bodily existence is only one part of the reality of who their loved ones are. They become aware of a bigger context in which they are living their lives and understand that dying and death are part of a continuing journey. They open their minds to thoughts about the possibilities of life beyond the physical world. They lose their fears of death. They look towards being reunited with their loved ones in an afterlife.

Over time, as the journey of grief abates, and these extraordinary experiences with their disturbing and comforting aspects are integrated, a spirit of hope and a new investment in life begins to grow. The bereaved come to a new or greater spiritual awareness. Life renews its meaning and carries larger hopes and a deeper purpose within the world in which they are living. They become more confident about themselves and their lives and what they can contribute from this deeper understanding and new sense of meaning.

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For some, the experiences become a form of spiritual awakening as the encounters are held in living memory and bring enlightenment and new understanding. There is a new or deepened recognition of the spiritual life as a reality to be fostered and lived into. Usual thinking patterns begin to change. New forms of work and ways of contributing to others are undertaken. Material values become less important. There is a realisation of the interconnectedness between people and a desire to contribute to the world and to others becomes more important. Psychic capacities sometimes develop or are enhanced. Experiencers become involved in their own ways in forms of giving, living and working that are spiritually based and are related to the knowledge and sense of purpose the ADCs have given them.

There is a deeper sense of the spiritual in their lives, and a sense of God or Spirit that is at the heart of the mystery in all that has happened. Experiencers now live within a reality that is more complex and mysterious than they had imagined. Living in the here and now becomes part of a journey within a universe of unknown dimension. The effects of their experiences are long lasting. They feel the deeper significance of living within this world and appreciate the preciousness of their lives here, to be lived, shared and enjoyed. There is a larger purpose which gives meaning to their lives and they and their loved ones are part of its mysterious unfolding.

Concluding Reflections In this study I have described real people who have shared real human experiences that have affected them deeply, changed them, and given them new perspectives about many aspects of their lives. This has been the power of the phenomenological approach. I too have been affected and changed by these stories, and by the people who have shared them with me so honestly. Each ADC experience, each life, each piece of the mystery at the heart of these experiences has been both a puzzle and a revelation.

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Myers, James and Jung were also explorers of the human condition. The human experience, and what could be learnt from it, was always at the heart of their study. I have felt an affinity with them in this journey. They have led me to the heart of these experiences and to a recognition of the value of my own. Like James, who after twenty-five years of psychical research felt he was theoretically no further than he was at the beginning, I feel I am not a great deal closer to the puzzle of understanding how the extraordinary phenomena of ADC actually happen. These paranormal and transpersonal experiences are still at the cutting edge of explorations into consciousness. The realisation I have uncovered for myself is that they do happen. The recognition of their profound effects has been a revelation and has confirmed my own experiences showing the continuity of human love and connection.

I have become more convinced, through this research process, through the stories and lives shared with me, that life is not an ephemeral happening that lasts a few years and then is over. These experiences point to the seriousness and wonder of the project of life and living. Life continues, what I do here matters, and what I do there can also matter. I think of the radiant happiness conveyed by some of the deceased reported by my participants. I think of the ‘steady as she goes, I have not changed very much yet,’ conveyed by other experiences. It matters to those left behind how their loved one might be travelling in the continuing journey in the unseen world. Whatever the journey might be, within every ADC experience shared by my participants, their deceased loved ones convey a continuity of love and care and demonstrate the ongoing significance of human relationships. I feel satisfied with what I have learned. I feel impatient to continue the learning. This research study, beginning with my personal experiences and then to the review of the literature and to the stories of my participants and the phenomenological process, has led me step by step to a broader and fuller understanding of the ADC experience and its effects.

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Communication experiences from the deceased have a history that is more than 2000 years old. Fascination with this phenomenon of encountering the deceased is not new. In working with the material provided by the participants, I felt I was honouring this long tradition of investigating these phenomena, and both continuing and advancing the work begun with such dedication in the SPR in the nineteenth century. As it is being re-birthed in the study of the ADC in recent years the transpersonal and spiritual nature of the experiences has come into greater relevance. As the reliance on church has diminished the individual spiritual search has grown significantly. These extraordinary paranormal encounters have nourished the spiritual journeys of the participants even as they have supported them in their grief. In this research in particular, the life stories have demonstrated the power of a number of ADCs to strengthen and deepen the spiritual and transpersonal effects in the participants’ lives. Unfortunately the research done by Myers and other eminent scholars in the SPR are mainly known and read by researchers like myself who have taken a particular interest in the topic. Most people do not know these studies exist. They have few measuring sticks for assessing their own or others’ experiences. I have found this to be so in Australia. The reputable and meticulous research that has been undertaken in the last one hundred years also needs to be better known.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is another person with whom I have felt an affinity and who has been an inspiration in my journey. In my search for understanding I read her biography, I felt her courage in addressing the unacceptability of talking about death and in bringing dying and death into the public arena. She was saying publicly what she had learnt from her own experiences with the dying and I drew on her work when I chose to be in palliative care for a time. Her work with the dying, her ability to help people at that momentous time despite opposition, was significant. Today there is a need for education about death and dying, and the process of grief, that actually takes into account the experiences of people like my participants. People need to be more aware of the long history of reported experiences by earlier researchers. As one of my participants said, ‘It is time to

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come out of the closet with this.’ I am aware of how the attitudes of family and friends who had not had ADCs changed as I shared my research with them. At the same time I found there was little public awareness of the real experiences of real people. The Western scientific paradigm still holds its power to inhibit such experiences from being shared and acknowledged in the public arena.

The phenomenological approach of telling the stories, which Rhea White has modelled in her exploration of people’s exceptional human experiences (EHEs), brought the ADC encounters closer into my own imaginative processes. The stories allowed me to resonate with the feelings and thoughts of the participants, to enter into their lives and imagine the experiences as they might have experienced them themselves. The stories enabled the lived experiences of the participants to come to life within their own journeys.

Successive ADCs and their ongoing effects situated within the stories provided a fuller understanding of ADC as a whole experience comprising multiple encounters. Experiences around the time of death brought to the fore the participants’ descriptions of the moment of death and the immediacy of the first moments of the discarnate state of the loved person. Later experiences confirmed their earlier experiences and demonstrated how the participants grew more accustomed to these amazing encounters. The accounts of successive ADCs also demonstrated the persuasive power of the experiences and affirmed for these participants and myself, the sense of continuity of relationship with the deceased. Then as I drew out the themes, the commonalities in these ADC experiences were evident even as the unique qualities of the individual experiences were retained

It could be imagined that this opening up to an unseen world inhabited by loved ones would have caused participants to be less interested in their present lives. This was not so, the participants took more seriously the project of life and living while at the same time losing many of their fears about death. They became more grounded in their worlds, and living their lives well was a more purposeful work

322 in process. The desire to make a contribution to others was strengthened and they found life became more meaningful. The prospect of ongoing life appeared to have given their present life more significance and evoked qualities they had not expressed so well before.

Some participants were drawn to more meaningful work with the grieving and with the elderly and dying. Helping the grieving and being with the elderly and the dying are two enormous areas of need in our society. If people who work in these areas of need do not fear death they can be with the dying, the elderly and the grieving in very different ways than can those who are afraid or doubtful about the continuity of life demonstrated in the accounts.

A recurring effect in the study was the difficulty the participants had in talking about their ADCs and the sense of isolation in their grief as they dealt with the extraordinary experiences. The freedom to share the experiences was often limited by negative responses ranging from silence and discomfort to lack of interest, negativity or disbelief. Fear of being thought strange added to the difficulty. Where the participants did receive support and encouragement there was a release of energy, a greater freedom to disclose, and the journey of grief was changed.

A fear of talking about death can leave the elderly and the dying feeling isolated and unable to talk about what is of the greatest significance for them. One of my participants shared her experience of visiting patients in a hospital. One of them who was very sick, asked her, ‘What is going to happen to me?’ Everyone who came into her room was asked the same question and nobody knew what to say. My participant had this experience before she had her ADC of her mother’s happiness. She is still concerned that neither she nor others felt able to be with this woman in a way that would have helped her. My own experiences of being with people - family, friends and those I have been with in a professional capacity - who know their lives are closer to the momentous change of death, have shown

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me the importance of listening without fear and of sharing experiences. The final months or years of people’s lives can be lived more hopefully where the denial and the unacceptability of death is taken away, and where there is the freedom to think about their lives and their future, and talk and share this precious time.

The dying and the elderly also, as they ponder their lives and what lies ahead of them, can feel isolated in their thoughts, and need access to professionals, pastors, counsellors, nurses, who are not afraid to share and listen to the deep hopes and fears about the process of dying and its aftermath. Not only can these people bring their own faith and understanding from within their religious tradition or their own human experiences, but also their understandings of other peoples reported and lived human experiences.

The ADC experience, its history, its prevalence, its role in the grieving process, and its helpfulness for the elderly and the dying, would be an appropriate topic for inclusion in the curriculum for counsellors, the medical profession, pastoral carers, nurses, religious ministers and relevant others. All those involved in helping professions could benefit from an educated and thorough understanding of the actual research done into this commonly reported phenomenon. This could help to change societal attitudes and bring knowledge based in experience and research.

Religious traditions, particularly Christianity, have shown little interest in the phenomenon. A major part of many religious traditions is to prepare those who belong to them for the afterlife. It is regrettable that so little time or attention is given to the ADC experience, now known through research to be a commonly occurring experience, and one that is extremely helpful and positive in people’s lives particularly in times of loss and grief. Most of my participants were connected in some way with a Christian tradition, but were not inclined to share their experiences with their religious leaders. Caution and suspicion were more often encountered and there was little desire to explore the experiences further.

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There was a similar response within the medical and other helping professions. A recent trip to the doctor resulted in my being asked what I was doing. When I said I was doing this research the doctor responded by sharing that his father had died recently and his mother had told him she had seen him in their home. He said he had not believed her.

For people who are grieving this attitude can only make the journey of loss more difficult and isolating if there is no one to talk to about these extraordinary experiences. One participant described them as ‘my legitimate experiences’ which she found were difficult to share within a sceptical environment. The culture of a death-denying society and a widespread belief in the Western scientific paradigm add to the difficulty.

Stories about these experiences are appearing in the popular media. Film-makers are providing films that deal with after-death encounters. Novels are being written that tap into larger domains of possibility. One of these, recently written, The Lovely Bones (2002) by Alice Sebold, tells the story of a girl who was murdered and follows from the afterlife the journey of discovery of her murderer. Jung would perhaps see these as ways of tapping into the unconscious and allowing the ‘arts of the unconscious’ to prepare a culture for new understanding.

The area of the After-Death Communication experience as defined in this study is ripe for further academic research. This phenomenological study has identified valuable meaning units and provided seven themes that demonstrate the essential constituents present in the ADC experiences for this group of participants. These themes require further investigation. In future large sample research the meaning units could be applied to a wider range of experiences and tested for consistency and congruence with the themes found in this study.

Social research that looks at differences in age, sex, educational levels and religious belief opens up some interesting avenues for further study and analysis.

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In this small sample reported ADCs from husbands and fathers were more frequent and occurred over a longer period that those from wives, mothers and sisters. By contrast the number of males who were prepared to contribute to this research was far fewer than females. Is the experience of ADC more prevalent for women than for men? Do educational factors play a role? Are women more open to these types of experiences than men?”

Another area of interest for further study is the place of personality. Do personality variables influence the likelihood of experiencing an ADC? Are people who are intuitive more prone to these phenomena than those who are more sensate? Are high feeling types more likely to receive the sense of presence than those who are more analytical and thinking in their style of deciding about the authenticity of an unusual experience like an ADC? It would be of great interest in ADC research to use a personality indicator like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, which is based on the work of Carl Jung, as a basis of gaining new understanding into whether some people are more prone to experiencing these phenomena, and the types of phenomena experienced.

How much does the place of grief open survivors to extraordinary experiences. Is personality type of significance here? For the deceased as well as for the survivor? As with any form of communication the ADC experience seems to show that the personality of those involved in the communication experience is relevant. Is the personality type significant in the unfolding of the after-effects described in this study?

The After-Death Communication Experience takes the explorer of meaning about our existence to the edge of the unknown. The Society for Psychical Research was committed to exploring ‘whether or no man has an immortal soul.’ I have not entered into speculation about the soul, or how persons who apparently have survived express their nature and personality in an afterlife. The reports of

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ordinary people who have described their experiences have led me to the edge of this mystery and it is a fascinating journey of exploration to be continued. In the meantime the last verse of Mary Oliver’s poem When Death Comes, honours the present enterprise. When it’s over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was the bridegroom taking the world into my arms. When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder if I have made my life something particular and real I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened, or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world. Mary Oliver (1992)

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Appendix A: Participant’s Information Sheet and Consent Form

Research Study of Communication with Loved Ones Who Have Died

This letter is to invite your participation in a research study to explore experiences of contact or communication from loved ones who have died. You have shared that you have had one or more of these contact experiences. I am inviting you to share your experience and how you have understood it.

My hope is to gain an understanding of the ways in which these experiences occur and to learn more about the impact and ongoing effects of these experiences. I am also interested to learn about the meaning they have and how people integrate them in their lives

Although these contacts sometimes come as a surprise or shock they often help in the grief and sadness of losing a loved spouse, family member or friend. They are often not talked about. My hope is that this research will help people to know that these experiences do happen and to know the forms they take.

As the researcher, I am doing Doctoral Studies at the University of Western Sydney, Hawkesbury. My supervisor is Dr. John Cameron, Senior Lecturer, School of Social Ecology and Lifelong Learning, University of Western Sydney.

If you choose to be part of the study it will involve you in being interviewed by me over one, two or three interviews at agreed times and places on the topic of this research.

The research involves taping these interviews which will then be transcribed. Copies of your interview tapes would be available to you if requested, as would any copies of transcripts from them. All notes, tapes and transcripts will remain confidential, all personal name references will be removed and pseudonyms substituted unless you give written permission to do otherwise. Any identifying material of a potentially personal nature included on the tapes or transcripts will be coded and will remain confidential, unless you choose otherwise.

Coded tapes will be secured securely in a locked filing cabinet under safe supervision in School or Research office facilities provided by the University. Access will remain limited to myself and possibly transcriber and my PhD Supervisor, who would also be bound by confidentiality agreements. I affirm my intention to use all material collected with integrity and respect for individual viewpoints expressed. I acknowledge I will use the material only for the thesis.

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Your participation is voluntary. You are free to withdraw consent and discontinue participation at any time. Confidentiality agreements would remain in place on all prior material collected. The process of withdrawal/non- continuance would be appropriately documented in writing for your own as well as the project’s responsible record-keeping.

Throughout the study, I am available to be contacted by phone, email or in person. I would also like to draw your attention to the following contact persons: Ron Perry (190 High St. Willoughby. Tel. 94178352) a practicing psychologist, who is available for professional psychological services should you feel the need for consulting/counselling services during the course of the study

I look forward to talking with you.

Elizabeth (Liz ) Keane B.Sc. B.Ed. MPS. MSW.

The University of Western Sydney Human Research Ethics Committee can be contacted through 1) the Ethics Officer, Research Services, UWS. on 02 4570 1136 Locked Bag 1797, Penrith Sth. DC NSW 1797. Or 2) through myself (on 07 55630014 or fax 07 55630019) Or 3) my supervisor through the School of Social Ecology and Lifelong Learning (02 4570 1694 ) should you have any concerns you may wish to discuss.

After-Death Communication Experiences

Research Study of Communication With Loved Ones Who Have Died

Consent Agreement

I,…………………………………have read the information above and any questions I have asked have been answered to my satisfaction. I agree to participate in the activity, realising I may withdraw at any time. I agree that research data gathered for the study may be published, provided my name is not used and my identity remains confidential.

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Appendix B:

Types of ADC Experiences Reported by Participants Many different types of experiences were shared. The range and extent of the experiences are shown below. Comparisons with some previous research are included. The Sense of Presence Eight participants (44%) sensed the presence of the deceased. The awareness of the deceased was unambiguous and the clearness of the apprehension was usually a source of amazement. ‘I really did have a huge sense that she was there.’ ‘I felt if I reached out I could put my hand over his.’ ‘There was a completely different feeling in the room.’ Other types of ADC were sometimes combined with sense of presence.

In Haraldsson’s (1988) study, 16% reported the vivid feeling of an imperceptible presence. In Rees (1971) study of widows in Wales, 39% felt a sense of presence. Conant (1992 ) reported that everyone of her widows had experienced, at least once, the ‘unbidden, consoling sense of presence of the deceased.’(cited in Wright 2002, p. 12). Yamamoto et al. (1969) said 90% of his widows in Japan reported a sense of presence. Kalish and Reynolds(1973), reported 21% experienced a sense of presence not within a dream. Parkes (1970) study of widows found 68% had a comforting sense of their husband’s presence (cited in Kalish & Reynolds 1973).

The Visual Experience Thirteen participants (72%) had at least one visual-type experience, not including dreams, either apparitions or visionary experiences. The experiences occurred at different times, day, night, in the alpha state, coming into or out of sleep or dozing, and with the lights on or off. Six participants (33%) described full apparitions. One apparition also felt solid and real after twenty-six years. One participant described three experiences of partial apparitions. Each showed a light-being within light, with the shape or form of the deceased person. Auditory

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communications were also conveyed in five of the apparitions. Two participants described external visions of their mothers and three described internal visions. One vision of cat’s eyes was described as external. One internal vision was of the brain. The apparently solid nature of many apparitions was demonstrated. One apparition obscured the cupboard at first and then became more and more transparent. One participant described feeling, as well as seeing, the solid presence of her husband in the bed. Sense of presence was strong in the apparitional and external visionary experiences. In internal visionary experiences it seemed the deceased were ‘showing’ the images to the recipients in their minds. Apparitions in some cases performed physical actions like opening doors. Noises of doors opening and closing often are an imitation of the sounds of real events. However in one case it was a real physical event. ‘The gate flew open.’ Five participants reported changed appearance of the deceased. The deceased either looked younger or healthier or was dressed in meaningful clothes. Five radiated happiness and peace.

Reports of experiences with apparitions, since the earliest days of the SPR, have included details of how the seemingly solid figure obscured objects behind it (Mackenzie 1983, p. 248). Guggenheim (1997) describes full and partial appearances. In Haraldsson’s survey (1988) visual apparitions were the most frequent, and reported by 59% of the interviewees. 17% involved more than one sensory modality. In the Rees study (1971), 41% percent are recorded as seeing the deceased. He does not indicate the types of visual experiences. Olson et al. (1984) reported 78.6% of the widows had a visual experience.

The Auditory Experience Ten participants (55%) had an auditory experience. Three participants said they heard a voice externally. Seven participants heard a voice that was internal, as a telepathic communication. One participant described dialogues that included both

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internal and external hearing and speaking. What she noticed was that the movement was from external communication on her part to internal communication as the apparitions developed. She then heard them more clearly internally. Some participants received telepathic communications, either as part of a visionary experience, associated with a sense of presence or, in one case, only the perception of the message was reported. There was clear manifestation of the personality of the deceased. One participant had two inner auditory experiences while awake. These were followed by many conversations within dreams.

The Guggenheim (1997) research found it was one of the more frequently reported experiences, on its own or in combination with a sentient ADC. Rees (1971) reported that 13% of his widowed heard the deceased and Olson et al. (1984) reported 50% heard the deceased. They did not distinguish between the types of auditory experiences. In Haraldsson’s (1988) survey auditory experiences were the second most frequent and claimed by 24% the participants. Almost half of these involved more than one sensory modality.

The Olfactory Experience Only two participants had ADC experiences through the sense of smell. One participant smelt her mother’s powder and another knew her husband was around with the smell of roses. Haraldsson’s (1988) survey reported five cases (5%) of an olfactory nature. Rees did not report any olfactory experiences while LaGrand (1997) and Guggenheim (1997) give a number of accounts of olfactory experiences.

The Experience of Touch Three participants (17%) had tactile ADCs. They varied from the touch of a finger to a full physical hug to the full bodily presence in the bed. One participant felt the physical weight of a body on the bed that moved the mattress and the blankets although she did not experience a physical bodily contact. Other types of physical experience that occurred around the time of death are discussed in the sixth

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theme. Guggenheim (1997) research found touch was a relatively less common type of ADC. Rees (1971) reported 2.7% and Olson et al. (1985) reported 21%. Haraldsson (1988) reported 7%. The experience of touch which occurs frequently in dreams or dream-like states is not included here.

The Dream Experience or Sleep-State ADC Four participants (22%) described dreams that were very different from ordinary dreams. The visitation dreams of the widows were like face-to-face visits, and occurred in a normal time frame in a realistic setting, most of them being within the home they had shared with the deceased. One widowed participant had fourteen dream experiences over three years, the majority occurring in the first eighteen months. Seven were in the familiar setting of the bedroom and in bed. Other dreams were in different settings, some familiar, some unfamiliar. Another widow had two dream experiences both with conversation, one with physical contact, in the familiar setting of the bedroom. In a later series of dreams her husband was in the dream as an onlooker as they unfolded. A third widow had one major dream experience situated in bed. A daughter’s dreams of her mother portrayed her mother working in a hospital and working in a herb garden. One also showed a dramatic change of form into an angelic being.

Jung (1965) wrote about experiences of contact in dreams. Kalish and Reynolds (1973) found that most of the reported contacts with the deceased of the ethnic groups they interviewed occurred in dreams. Devers (1994) reported dreams of the deceased that occurred in a normal time frame and in a realistic setting, and were considered visitation dreams. Wright (2002) provided anecdotal dream accounts, three were dreams informing of a death , another gave information about a lost object, and in others, on waking, there were other signs that the contact had been real (p. 189).

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Other Experiences There were other experiences, synchronicities and psycho-kinetic events, reported. One participant heard a telephone ringing a number of times coming out of sleep, but when fully awake it was not ringing. Crows came at unexpected times and places also. One participant frequently woke to the experience of a banging of the side of her bed. Doors opened and closed for two participants. A dog began to wag its tail at something in the room for one participant. Two participants heard meaningful songs at significant times. Participants attributed these experiences to their deceased loved ones.

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