AS BROADCAST >2.~.
THE _~ABBOTT..., .~,AND.~-.w ...COSTELLO...,.-.-.,~.--.._.~.... .,~PROGRAM..~...~.,.._. ..
F OR
.CAMEL... _,...... r.. _,CIGARETTES...,.. _..,...... ,. _.
WB C- S t ud i o A Thursday , November 1, 1945 7 :00 - 7 :30 PM PST
.C.. ..,A~..~.... .S.. T. Iris Adrian Elv3.a Allman Mel Blanc S idney Fie lds Connie Haines Joe Kirk Ken Niles Frank Ne ls on. Will Osb orne Ve ola V onn Pat McGeehan (c~ Lou Marcelle (e Griff Barnett (c)
~SOUND.__ EFFECTS _.__..,.... Door Kis s - twang Pistol shots Referee whistle Car Buzzer Footsteps Scratch flint - puff - iron Ba17l in drainpipe - rolls on floor .
m MUS IC : "YERF ID IA " . INTRO . . . SEGUE
0 . MUSIC : BAND SI. ..-.N..,GS-. .~ - /`.`.+ ...C...... A . rM.~w. .. . .E . . . . L . . . .S t
NILES : The Abbott and Costello program, starring Bud Abbott and
Lou Costello, brought to you by CAMEL, the cigarette of
costlier, properly aged tobaccosl
_~NUS.. ..._IC.._:...... SWEEPS..»..~ UP AND UNDER
NILES : The Abbott and Costello program, with the modern rhythm
of Will Osborne and his orchestrai Iris Adrian, the
swingy s inging of Connie Haines -(MUS. Iq SWELLS) -,» A~ND
spotlighting that tubby, tricky little trouble maker, who,
when he let the air out of his uncle's tire, because he
heaxrlthe family was looking for a flat, . . .calmxy gaid . . .
COSTELLO : IfM A BAAAAAAAAAD BOY 6 ' "
.MUS..,..~ .IC.~....:...__ . .~UP. TO ,,,FINISH. (API~ USE)
m
W V V V ABBOTT & COS7 .'EI4LO (REVISED) 11/1/45
ABB OTT : "WELL, C OSTE LLO, I tVE BEEN WA IT ING T O SEE YOU Z WHERE WERE
YOU THIS MORNING? YOU HAD A DATE WITH ME TO GO DUCK
HUNT ING AT DAYBREAK 1 WHAT D ID Y OU D O «- OVERS LEE P???
COSTELLO : NO t I GOT UP BEFORE DAYBREAK, ABBOTT, BUT SOMETHING
TERRIBLE HAPPENED t
ABI3 0'IT : S OMETH ING TERR IB LE HA PPENED ? WHAT WA S IT ?
COSTELLO : AT 5 :30 THIS MORNING I TIPTOED OUT TO THE KITCHEN TO
COOK MY BREAKFAST . I PUT ON THE MAID IS APRON AND WAS
BENDING OVER THE STOVE WHEN THE MILKMAN CAME IN . THE
MILKMAN GRABBED ME IN HIS ARMS AND KISSED ME THREE
TIMES I AND ABBOTT $ YOU KNOW WHAT?
ABB OT T : WHAT ?
COSTELLO : I THINK I tM ENGAGED 1
ABB O'TT : •OH , TA LK SENSE b Y OU CERTA INLY MISSED A GREAT HUNT ING
TRIP THIS MORNING j
C OSTELLO : I WAS T 00 T IRED, ANYWAY ABB OTT . I WENT HUNT ING LAST
N IGHT IN GR IFF ITH PARK l
ABB OTT : Y OU DUMMY E THERE IS N 0 HUNT ING IN GR IFF ITH PARK b
COSTELLO : HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN IN HOLLYWOOD I
ABBOTT : THATIS RIDICULOUS t I DIDN1T THINK YOU KNEW ANYTHING
AB OUT HUNT ING l
rn ., 2..
COSTELLO : OH, NO? ONE TIME I SHOT A BEAR IN THE FOOT AND KNOCKED
ALL HIS TEETH OUTI
ABBOTT : HOW COULD YOU KNOCK A BEARIS OUT IF YOU SHOT HIM
IN THE FOOT 3
COSTELLOt HE WAS BITING HIS TOENAILS!
AI3}:30`:['T : COSTELLO! YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF! HOW COULD
YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO STAND UP HERE IN FRONT OF THIS
INTELLIGENT AUDIENCE AND TELL SUCH A HORRIBLE JOKE!
COS']'Ji~LLO : I HAPPEN TO LIKE THAT JOKE, ABBOTT! IN FACT, I LIKE IT
SO WELL---I THINK IfLL TELL IT AGAIN!
KIRK : (AUDIENCE MIKE) NO-NO---NOT THAT! LET P11E OUT OF HEREO
(ETC :)
COSTELLO : HEY, WAIT A MINUTE, BUDDY! IF YOU DONIT LIKE OUR PROGRAM
WHAT DID YOU COME IN HERE FOR? 1`'I `/ CAR KIRK : (YELLS ) I WAS LISTENING TO YOU ON 44E RADIO C s9~~==W
4" AND I CAME IN HERE TO PROVE SOA'IETHINGI
COSTELLO : WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE?
KIRK : WELL, FIRST I THOUGHT MY RADIO WAS ON THE BUM! NOW I
KNOW THE BUM IS ON THE RADIO!
COST:E,LLO : NOW THEREIS A NICE BOY! 111) LIU TO BUY HIM A TICKET ON
A SINKING SHIP!
Ai3B0'.P`i' : NEVER MIND HIM, COSTELLO! WHY AREN IT YOU WEARING YOUR
SPANISH COSTUME? DO YOU REALIZE THAT TONIGHT YOU AND I
ARE INVITED TO THE LATIN-AMERICAN EMBASSY? THE
AMBASSADOR ASKED US TO COME OVER TO HELP HIM CEMENT
FRIENDLY RELATIONS3
C OST :ELLO : CEMENT FR ZL+'NDLY RELAT I ONS? NOT ME, ABBOTT ! THAT tS WHAT
GOT MY UNCLE$ ARTIE STEBBI:NS, TWENTY YEARS IN ALCATRAZ!
:i ABBOTT. AND C OSTELLO (REVISED ) -3^ 11-1-45
ABBO':PT : YOUR UNCLE ARTIE STEBBINS IS IN ALCATRAZ FOR CEMENTING
FRIENDLY RELATIONS?
C OSTELLO : SURE . HE THREW HIS MOTHER- IN-LAW IN A CONCRETE MIXER t
ABBO`.PT : NONSENSE, C OSTELLO--- YOU t RE GOING T 0 THE PARTYl I t VE
ALREADY RENTED YOUR COSTUMEl YOUfRE GOING DRESSED AS A
SPANISH GRANDEEI
COSTELLO : DRESSED AS A WHAT?
ABBOTT : A GRANDEEI GRANDEEJ
COSTELLO : NOT ME . I AINIT GOING TO NO PARTY DRESSED IN A DIAPERI
ABBO'i'T : YOU DUMMYI A GRANDEE DOESN IT WEAR A DIAPER 1
COSTELLO : OH NO? HOW ABOUT MAHATMA GHANDEE?
ABBOTT : NO - NO - YOUTRE THINKING OF GANDEEI
COSTELLO : SURE - I LIKE GANDY - HERSHEY GANDY WITH GA-NUTSJ
ABBOTT : LOOKI YOUIRE GOING TO BE DRESSED AS A SPANISH GRANDEE .
YOUtLL HAVE A MOUSTACIiIO AND A SER-R~AP~PYI
COSTELLO : OH, NO I WONIT . I HAD THAT LAST NIGHT IN THE DRUGSTORE
AND IT MADE ME SICKI
ABBOTT : YOU HAD A MOUSTACHIO,AND.,.. A SER-RAPPYir..._.....,.. IN A DRUGSTORE? covEl4E'p wInf COSTELLO : YEH . MOUSTACHIO ICE CREAM A*P CHOCOLATE SER-RAPPY .
4BBOTT : WILL YOU TALK SENSEI YOUtRE GOING AS A SPANISH GRANDEE
FROM THE ANDESI YOUIVE HEARD OF THE ANDES?
COSTELLO : SURE, I HEAR THEM EVERY TUESDAY NZGHT . . .THE AMOSES AND
THE ANDYSI ...... THEY COME ON .RIGHT AHEAD OF THAT
BIG SPANISH PROGRAM.
ABBOTZ ; WHAT SPANISH PROGRAM?
C OSTEI ~IC : FIBBER MCGEE AND MG& TAMALE j
ABB01'T : YOU DUMMY IlM TALKING ABOUT THE ANDES 1 THE ANDES ARE FOUND IN CHII,El COSTELLO : ALL I EVER FOUND IN MY CHILE WAS BEANS --AND SOMETIMES A LITTLE GRISTLEI
I ABf30Z'T : STOP TALKING LIKE AN xMBECILE, COSTELLO AND GO HOME AND
GEuS DRESSEDI YOUfRE GOING TO THAT PARTYI
C OS']:'ELLO : AND I SAY ItM NOT GOINGI NOT AFTER THE WAY THEY INSUTII'ED
MF;1
ABBOTT : THEY INSULTED YOU?
C OS7.'ELLO : YEH . GET A LOAD OF THIS INVITAT IONl RIGHT IN THE FIRST
LINE THEY INSULT ME BY MAXING FUN OF MY SHAPEI
ABBOTT : WHERE DOES IT SAY ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR SHAPE?
COSTIaLLO : RIGHT THEREI IT SAYS : SENOR LOU COSTELLO---DEAR
CAB-BELLY-RO1 "`I "b
ABBOTT : CAB-BELLY-RO?? THATfS CABBALLEROt~ A CABELLERO IS A
GENTLEMAN WHO TAKES A GIRL OUT FOR AN EXPENSIVE DINNER,
BUYS HER FLOWERS AND JIaWELRY, TAKES HER TO THE FINEST
SHOW IN TOWN AND THEN, WHEN HE TAKES HER HOME HE DOESNfT
EVEN ASK HER FOR A GOODNIGHT KISSJ IN SOUTH AMERICA
THEY CALL T HEM CAI3ELLEROS l
C OS7*'ELLO t WE t VE GOT THE SAME THING BACK IN PATTERSONqONLY WE CALL Su~' f . :C : (PLAYOFF)THEM MUS]
(APPL~AUSE )
i ABBOTT & COSTELLO - 11/1/45 -.5- .,/ , 1dILES : /,-'CHEtRETE 0, Abbott and Costell .o 1 / r (PRONOUNCED : HAY' RE TE - "RE" AND '1TE" WOULD BE PRONOUNCk,D LIKE THE FIRST 2 LETTERS OF"REST" AND "TEST" )
ABBOTT : WHAT4# IS THIS BUSINNJSS, KEN? WHAT GOES ?
NIIES : Why, that means "HAIL" in ancient Greek, the language
employed by that famous wise man of some three thousand
years ago whose name was Aesop . He said, and I translate . . .
"Experience is the best teacher ." Yes, what we learn by
experience impresses us the most . For instance, during
the late, great cigarette shortage Camels wrNS' scarcest
of the scarce even thought Camel Production was at an all-
time high . Smokers had the experience of trying more
different brands than theytd normally try in a lifetime . And did experience teaeh them that there isn't any
substitute for the rich, full flavor and coo1l mildness of
Came7.'+s superb blend of costlier tobaccos? We].7. .,today
more people want Camels than ever bef ore in the history of this famous brand I
SIC : (BAND SINGS ) C~A-M«E-L-S 1
NILES : Campls . . .the cigarette ex er'j,Qnced,,.... smokers are asking f or more than ever nowf e-~ q.~ 'I}
m r,nrSIC o _ INTRO : "ATCHISON, TOPLIU & SANTA FE" (FATaE FOR)
N1:Li~,S s And now hore f s W3.ll. Osborne and the orchestra to take you
i'o~? a ride on that :f't)-mou~j "Atcha,son, Topeka and Santa Fe" .
r"JUS :LCS ~ nATC?-I :CSON, TOPEKA AND SA-ATA FEt~ (UP TO FIi`.dISII) (O~iCIi) (APPLAUSL)
mc (REVISED) N7M
COSTELLO : I ABBOTT, FOR THE LAST TIME IlM TELLING YOU THAT ItM NOT
GOING TO THAT SPANISH PARTY1 IlVE GOT A DATE WITH LENA
GENSTER, AND IF YOU DONIT INVITE HER TO GO WITH US THEN
I AINIT GOING EITHERI
ABBOTT : BUT j LENA WOULD BE OUT OF PLACE AT THIS PARTYI HER
TABLE MANNERS ARE TOO DISGRACEFULZ DID YOU EVER NOTICE
THE WAY SHE EAT SY
COSTELLO : YEAH, I THINK ITtS CUTE THE WAY SHE SLIDES HER LOWER LIP
UNDER THE PLATE AND BANKS THE MEATBALLS OFF THE
SPAGHETTII
ABBOTT : COSTELLO, FORGET ABOUT LENA AND COME ALONG WITH ME .
ITIS GOING TO BE A WONDERFUL PARTY)
COSTELLO : I AM NOT GOINGI
ABBOTT : BUT THEYfRE GOING TO HAVE WONDERFUL SPANISH MUSICJ
COSTELLO : (LOUDER I AM NOT GOINGI
ABBOTT : BUT THE'YtRE GOING TO SERVE RARE OLD SPANISH WINES!
COSTELLO : (REAL LOUD) I AM NOT GOINGI
ABBOTT : BUT THEME GOING TO HAVE 50 , LUSCIOUSp
BROWN-EYEDv LATIN AMERICAN GIRLSS
C OSTELLO : ABBOTT---YOU TALKED ME INT 0 IT 1 ...... C OME ON---- LET IS
GET OUT OF HERE QUICK BEFORE LENA GETS HERE . IF SHE
FINDS OUT IlM GOING ANYPLACE WITHOUT HER THERE fLL BE
AN AWFUL FIGHT,
.
i. (2ND REVISION) -6-
ABBOTT : COSTELLO, DONIT TELL ME YOU FIGHT WITH LENA?
COSTELLO : I tLL SAY I DO, LAST NIGHT WE FOUGHT TOOTH AND NAIL t
ABBOTT : TOOTH AND NAIL?
COSTELLO : YEAH t SHE NAILED ME IN THE PUSS AND KNOCKED OUT MY ToOTH t
ABBOTT : WELL, YOUtD BETTER NOT LET HER CATCH YOU IN THAT SPANISH
COSTUME I
S OUND : (LOUD KN OCK ON D OOR )
IR IS : HEY--- COSTELLO d OPEN THE DOOR I IT IS ME -- LENA
GENSTERb
C OSTELLO : ABB OTT »~ WHAT AM I G ONNA DO?
ABB OTT : QUICK ~~ JUMP INT O THAT BED AND PULL THE C OVERS OVER
YOU -- IrLL TELL HER YOUtRE SICK l
SOUND :~_LDOOR OPENS
I:R IS : HIYA ABB OTT . WHERE IS THAT LUMPX»HEADED LARD EUCKET
THAT IlM ENGAGED T 0 1
COSTELLO : (WEAKLY) HERE I AM LEENY-WEENIE I IIM LYING HERE ON MY
BED OF PA IN l WE I LL HAVE T 0 BREAK OUR DATE T ON IGHT t I t M
A SIrw'K MAN 1 IIVE GOT A TERRIBLE CASE OF PIFFLE-DIFFLE I
IRIS : PIFFIE,--DIFFLE? I NEVER HEARI) OF ANYONE HAVING THAT I
COSTELLO : I.tM THE ONLY ONE IN THE WORID THATI S GOT IT L
IRIS :. THERE tS S OMETHING SCREWY GOING ON HERE I YOU DON VT LOOK
SICK TO ME . WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN BED WITH YOUR HAT ON?
COSTFLLO : 000 -- MY HAT I WELL, YOU SEE t I ALWAYS WSAR MY HAT IN
BED, BECAUSE IF I HAPPEN TO DREAM I MET YOU ON THE
STREET, IID WANNA TIP MY HAT TO YOU .
IR IS : ARE Y OU TRYING T 0 KID MF ? C OME ON -- GET OUT FR OM
UNDER TH OSE C OVERS t . l . .AHA *•- I TH OUGHT S 0 1 WHAT ARE
YOU DOING IN BED WITH THAT MEXICAN SUIT ON? m (2ND REVISION)-9-
COSTELLO : WHEN YOU GOT THE PIFb'LE-DIFFLE YOUfVE GOT TO WEAR A
MEXICAN SUITj THE PAIN COMES FROM SOUTH OF THE BORDER!
ABBOTT : LENA, YOUID BETTER GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE COSTELLO GETS
ANOTHER ATTACK I
COS`.l'ELLO : YEAH --'I FEEL ONE COMING ON (START YELLING) 0000003
MY HEAD I MY HEAD J
:CFtTS : HEY, WAIT A MINUTE S IIM BEGINNING TO SMELL A RAT 1
COSTELLO : THAT tS NO WAY TO TALK ABOUT MISTER ABBOTT 1
:IRIS : BOTH YOU GUYS ARE DRESSED IN SPANISH COSTUMES1 LOOKO
COSTELLO I DON IT KNOW WHAT YOUtRE UP T0, BUT IfPlI TAKING
YOUR CAR . . .
COSTELLO : DH, DON IT DO THAT .
LI~~NA : SHUT UP 1 IF YOU SO MUCH AS POKE YOUR NOSE OUT OF THIS HOUSE TONIGHT, ItM GOING TO COME BACK HERE AND CLIP YOUR
TOENAILS ALL THE WAY UP TO YOUR KNEES -- AND THEN Z tM
GOING TO PULL YOUR EARS AROUND TO THE BACK OF XOUR HEAD
AND FASTEN THEM ON YOUR COLLAR F3UTTON J
COSTELLO : THATIS GONNA HURT I
.LENA : AND FINALLY, I WILL TIE A SATLOR tS KNOT IN THE END OF YOUR
NOSE AND HANG YOU FROM THE CHA.YDELIER -- AND IF .THAT......
DOESN tT TNORK -- I I LL ..TORTURE...~..._. . YOU 1
.~_S0UINU.._....._... .,.t..._ ._.(DOOR.._...... _._ ..~SI,AM)._._...... _ ABBOTT : NOW, HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET TO THE PARTY, COSTELLO?
LENA tS TAKING YOUR CAR J -10-
C OSTELLO : COIJiE ON, ABI34TT--- WE ILL GO NEXT DOOR AND SEE IF I,+IY FFtIEND
SCOTTY MACBROWN CAN HELP US L
SOUND= DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES . . .FOOTSTEPS)'
ABBOTT s (OVER FOOTSTEPS ) WELL, SC 0']'TY f S HOaZi ALLRIGHT t I SEE A
DIM LIGHT IN THERE I
COS'1'}I;LLO : YEAH----THAT IS HIS FtEADING LAMP . HE - A BOTTLE FULL 0~1 ' F~'IREFLIES t
Al3:30l "I ' : RING THE BELL, COSTELLO t
SOUND : w(LOUD BUZZER, . .HOLD ITl
k3LANC t (OFF) TAKE YOUR FINGER OFF THE BU7.ZER , . .YOU lRE USING UP
THE ELECTRICITY t SOUND : ~F DOOFt OPENS
B'LANC : Oii, I'I' i S YOU LADDIES t I 1 D INVITE YOU IN BUT IlM AFRAID
YOU 'LL FRIGHTEN THE MICE I' VIiI GOT IN THE DINING ROOM . I' D
HATE TO LOSE THOSE MICE---THEY SAVE ME A LOT OF ;!dONEY t COSTELLO : HOW CAN THE MICE SAVE YOU MONEY?
13LANC : WELL, YOU SEE, LADDIE, MY WIFE IS SCARED TO DEATH OF THEM: AND SHE HASN !T BEEN DOWNSTAIRS FOR HER NIEALS IN THREE
WEEKS t
A}3I30'I"I' : LOOK, SCOT''Y, WE 'VE GOT TO GET OUT TO THE LATIN-AMFRICAN
EMBASSY FOR A BIG PARTY AND COSTELLO' S CAR IS GONE . COULD YOU DRIVE US THERE?
BLANC : TIM VERY SORRY, LADDIES, BUT I ONLY DRIVE THE CAR ON
SATURDAY NIGHTSt
COSTELLO : WHY ONLY ON SATURDl'iY NIGHTS?
F3ULNC : THE}tE IS NC SENSE IN HEATING UP THE WATER IN THE RADIAT OR
UNLESS YOU CAN USE IT IN THE BATHTUBt
G (REVxSED) -11.--
AI3B0TT : WELL, COI'lE ON, COSTELLO -- WEIVE GOT TO GET GOING OR WEILL
BE I,,ATF!
COSTELLO : WHAT TIME IS IT BY YOUR WATCH, SCOTTX?
BLANC : ( INDIGNANT ) I BEG YOUR PARDONI
SOUND : (LOUD DOOR SLAni)
COSTELLO : HOW DO YOU LIKE, THAT? HE IS SO TIGHT HE WOULDNIT
EVEN GIVE US THE TIMES
AB130T':L' : NEVER MIND IIIN:, COSTELLOd HERE COMES A CAR CRUISING DOWN
THE STREET . WE ILL THUMB A R IDE !
SOUND : (CAR APPROACHING
COSTELLO : YEAH -- IT LOOKS LIKE A CU.CE BABE DRZVZNG! AND SHE IS 11 GONI4A S`.I'OP!
SOUND : (CAR STOPPING
COSTELLO : HYIA TOOTS! HOW ABOUP GIVING ME A LIFTj
IRIS : IILL LIFT YOU RIGHT OFF' THE GROUND WITH AN UPPERCUT,
YOU BLUBBERIJEADI
COSTELLO : I`.[' I S LENA )
IRIS : WHERE DO YOU THINK YOUIRE GOING?
COSTELLO : TO THE HOSPITAL . h,Y PIFFLE-DIFFLE JUST HIT ME AGAINI
I:RIS : JUST WHAT?
COSTELLO : HIT 15,1 AGAINI
IRIS : OKAY - YgU ASKED FOR I'J' .
S OUT1D : S OCK
C OSTELLO : OUCH 1 GET IJIE OUT OF' HERE I, .r%-
P1Ii:JSIC : PLAYOFF
(APPLAUSE)
i ..1,2.»
.rMSIC... _.._..~.:.._ .'". .._ "LiV'1'!..~..._...... _,,:~0.,..:., ..`"IllE,._...... ?1cL1LST Dr:RLTiVG"...... FA1)L...... FOT3....-«...:. ) idTLI+.,S : And now -- Camol Is lovely Connie Haines I Tonight Connie
si.ngs the new ballad built on a cou,a] .e of words everyone
likes to hear -- "no :irest 1)arlingn o <.- ..~__i`JIUSIC _. :_. ...'~...... ,?.:)t±IIA.. ..:2}aST.._ . . _ . . . .vARLING" ~,. ..(UP... .r..y .TO FINISH)...... HAINES...... ,~.
mc ABBOTT & COSTELLO - 11/1/45 -13--
NIIES : /'Confidentiall.y, Connie, youtre swel.l . Tell me, who was /r your singing teacher?
C01:1NIE : Oh, I tve had a number, Ken . And one of the best was named . . ex .eridnco .
i?II:I" S : Wise words, fair lad,y t Old Man Aesop ., the fable king .,
said the same thing in ancient Greece way back some .
three thousand years ago . Tuning in on Aesop we hear :
BARNETT : Experionce . . .is the best teachert •
N :ILES : And how that was proved when Camels were hard to get . You
know, during the war it was The Service First with Camels,
and even though production was breaking all records, the
civilian demand just couldn't be met in full . V'dell,
smokers tried more different brands than they'd ordinarily
experienee in a li.fetimet Seems kind of like they found
that nothing takes the place of the richt full flavor and
cool mildness of the costlier tobaccos found in that
cigarette called .
MtTS IC : (BAND S INGS C- A- M» E-• L- S t
NTLES : Camels I For today more people want Camels than ever
before in the history of this famous brand t4°
MLTS IC : PLAY OFF ~C OMMERC IAL
m (REVISED) --14-
_r.a"T',s : <' WELL, OUR LITTLE FRIEND COSTELLO HAS OUTWITTED LENA GENSTER AGAIN! SIiE DROPPED HIl'OF'F AT THE HOSPITAL, k3UT HE SNEAKED
OUT THE BACK WAY WITH BUD ABBOTT AND WE FIND THE TWO OF TIiEb :
ARRIVING AT THE PARTY AT THE LATIN-qA'IERICAN EIVIBASSY . THE
HOSTESS IS GREETING THE GUESTS AT THE DOOR --
-AL'LIChN : GOOD EVENING, GENTLEIJfEN! C0I!r1+ RIGHT INI
NELSON : THANI~ YOU, SENORA . I AN DON PASQUALE FERNANDE2~!
ALLIiAN : (SWEETLYj AHHFiHI'iHIIH!
RTliNC : AND I AM DON JOSE MjIGUELZTOI
hL LMA N : ( S LY) AHHHTI.IIHI-i !
ABBOTT : I AM SENOR BUD ABBOTT)
ALLPIAN : ( SWEETLY ) AHIIHIIIIHH I
COSTELLO : AND I Ah1 SENOR LOU COSTELLO!
A LLMA N : ( SCREAMS ) AHfIHf;ILIIITH ! ! I I
COSTELLO : ABBOTT, WHO IS THIS OID SPANISH ONION?
A LLYAN : HOW DARE YOU MAKE THE INSULT? I AM SENORA CARMELITA, LOLITA , CHIQUITA $ IJIUSKEETA ! AND IILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT
WE I4USKEETAS ARE A BIG FAMILY IN SOUTH AMERICA Z
COSTELLO : YOU'RE EVEN A BIGGER FAMILY IN NEW JERSEY!
ALLMAN : BUT GENTLEMEN, WE ARE WASTING TIn'TE HERE I.N THE HALL! YOU
MUST MEET SOME OF THE SENORITAS . AH HERE MI.ES MY NIECE!
STIE IS MAKING HER DEBUT! TONIGHT SHE IS COMING OUT!
COSTELLO : SHEtS HALF WAY OUT ALREADY!
i "~ arY"
ALTP~N2 S ::~I'JOIj~ I VIOULD LTKI; TO PRESENT T 0 YOU MY LOVELY N :I:ECEt
VYOL .ha AIi$ GOOD EVENING MY HANDSOME AMERICANOSI I AM SENORSi'A
ROSITA MARGAR ITA * 14USKE:2A j
COSTELLOo N0T1 IiEREIS A MOSQUI1.'0 T1D LxIM TO BUZZ AROUi^SD INITIII
VYOLA : OHD THANK YOU SENORI I LIKE YOU T 00j I HAVE SEEN YOU
P'fl1NY TIMES IN THE MOVING Y;ICTURIaSt OHp YOU f:..RE A4l~Lff'i; SO
I~ UIdIIY i
COSTI:,Oa 7'II1;l4 YOU REALLY IUdOW WHO I AM?
V'_Y.OLf,o WHO COULD EVER F'OIIGE'T LE+I'LE PORI~ .Y PEEGI
C OSTELLOt ~I'Iih-TFIII-TIIA-TI-IA-THAT 1 S ALL FOLKS 1
VYOLA : CONI!~:; SENORt LET US GO IN AND DANCE . THE ORCHEST11A IS
ABOUT T o PLAY A RHUMBAi
COSTELLO : 140 TIIANIi.Sq ROSITA= THE FLOUR IS T 00 CROWDEDI
VY OLA : I3UT ZVIAT HEl S THE CR OWI)ED I+'L 00R T 0 D 0 W IT H IT ?
C OS`.L'L.ZLO ; '1'lI:f;ltli t S NO FUN DOING THE RHUMBA WHEN YOU C AN ONLY SHAKE
YOUR IIEADi LETIS YOU AND ArTE TAKE A WALK ON THE VaPI=tL1ND11
R oSITi i
AB}30TI' : 7.'II11T1S A GOOD IDEA ., COSTELLOt ItLL GO WITH YOUI
COS`l' :i:aL,LO : ON YOUR VJAYp AI3BOT`.1',,,,THREE IS A CROVID . .T WANNA TALK T 0
It OSITlx ALONE :
ABI30`1"1' : tiiIELI's l17-,L R :LGHT p TALK T 0 HER I
COS`.'i'EI:,I,Oo A1-3I30TT wM- I MEAN ALL ALONEI JUST THE TWO OF US I
A}3i30[I'10 ; YOU i!.T~AN YOU WANI' ME T 0 G 0?
COSTE:CJL0t THIS KID IS REALLY SIIARPi GET LOSTI COME ROSZTAI
SOUNDo - ._ (D001{ OYENS AND CLOSES ) .___ .._. _ _ ._.~...,«_. VYOLA : AH, a:SN1T THIS LOVELY OUT HERE$ SENORj
COT& SIT HERE WITH P.12 GJ TI]:E BENCH AND SING ME A SPANISH
SONG? YOU SPEAK SPAIIISI3~ DONtT YOU?
C 0 ST EI,L 0 : OH, ti'1EEwYVEE j,,,,,,,,, I3UT WHY W11 ST E T IME S ING ING ? I J`UST
w WANT TO SIT HERE WT:i"H YOUI (2ND REVISION) -16-
VY.OLA : OH, YOU LIKE MEo SI?
COSTELLO : YEAH - SEE - SEE - SEE -- BONAS NOTCHEZ AND HASTY BANANABb
VYOLA : I AM BEGINNING TO LIKE YOU T00, SENOR . MAYBE VVE WERE
DRAWN TOGETHER BY FAT 1
C OST]aLLO : LOOK AT YOUR SCRIPT -- THAT t SFATE 1
VYOLA i LOOK AT YOU -•- THAT t S FAT!
COSTELLO : PLEASE DON'T TALK, ROSITAI ITIS TOO WONpERFUL SzTTING
IIERE IN SILENCEJ . YOU ARE SO LOVELY - SO EXCITING - YOU
SMELL OF ROSES AND IJ1AGNOLI,A.S .
VYOLA : THANK YOU, SENOR -- YOU MELL TOOE . A7r7lfa. ~ cj we- S d k~ ~ S1et..ws i olv -tCI'j CoS`.C'ELLO : ,ROSITAS I HAVE SOMETHING I WOULD LIKE TO ASK YOUp BUT I DONtT KNOW H0W TO SAY IT1
VYOLA : GO AHEAD SENOR . SPEAK WHAT IS IN YOUR HEART?
COSTELLO : OKAYr ROSITAI WHAT ARE YOU DOING SATURDAY NIGHT?
VYOI,A, : WHY NOTHING .
COS7'ELLO : TIIEN CAN I BORROW YOUR SOAP? -- THE SMELLY KIND .
VYOLA : OII, SENOR - YO'U ARE SO CUTII :1 JUST FOR THAT I AM GOING TO
GIVE YOU A NICE BIG KISS .
SOUND : , .,. (BIG LONG KISS) (ENDING WI:TH LOUD TWANG)
C OSTELLO : ( I1`'ATES TWANu )
KIRK : (FADING IN) AIiA, SENORJ FiOW COME hCATCH YOU KISSING
MY GIRL?
COSTELLO : BECAUSE YOU WEAR RUBBER HEELS,, YOU SNEAKI
i (2ND REVISION) -17-
KIRK : SENOR, YOU HAVE KISSED MY SWEETHEART AND INSULTED MY GOOD
NAME . I AM DON SAN FRA.NCISCO, SAN JO.SE, SAN LOUIE OBISPO
SAN DIEGO, SAN BERNARDINO t
COS7'E'LLO : WHEN YOU COME TO GLENDALE III,I, GET OFF t
KIRK : AHA--ANOTHER INSULTt FOR THAT, FEEG---I AM GOING TO KILL Y OU l
COSTELLO : OH YEAH?
KIRK : OH YEAH t
COSTELLO : 011 YEAH I hIKh : OIi YEAH t
C OSTELLO : OH YEAH t
KIRK : OH YEAH t
COS'hELLO : YOU KNOW I COULD USE AJOKE, RIGHT HERE t
KIRK : SILENT, SWINE t
COSTELLO : SWINE? WHEN WE STARTED THIS ARGUMENTO I WAS JUST A PIG,
KIRK : I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL . I WILL MEET YOU ON
TI-iT~ FIELD OF HONOR AT FIVE 0 tCLOCK IN THE MORNING,
TO AVENGE THE STOLEN KISS .
C OS'.CELLO : I DIDN 'T STEAL A KISS,
KIRK : THEN WHAT IS THAT RED STUFF ON YOUR LIPS? COSTELLO : THAT IS TOMATO JUICE,
KIRK : TOMATO JUICE?
COSTELLO : YES, l{'ROIK A LITTLE SOUTH AMERICAN TOMATO t iiIR.K : THAT IS ENOUGH t I WILi, DUEL YOU AT FIVE, AND I
WILL GIVE YOU THE CHOICE OF SWORDS OR PISTOLS ---YOU
S;:UNK L
G (2ND REVISION) -17A-
COSTELLO : IF I WAS A SKUNK I WOULDNtT NEED SWORDS OR PISTOLS .
NIUSIC : (BRIDGE---AG I~ TO )
AI3I30TT : WELL, HEF'iE IS THE DUELLING FIELD, COSTELLO L
YOU CERTAINLY GOT YOURSEU' INTO A MESS THIS
TIMEL DON SAN FRANCISCO IS A GREAT PISTOL SHOT L
C OSTELLO : I CAN IT GO THROUGH WITH THIS DUEL, ABBOTT L
LOOK AT ME . . . .IIM ALL NERVOUS AND SHAKY, I
WALKED THE FLOOR ALI, NIGHT . I DIDN IT GET A
VdINK OF SLEEP~ ~~t -x • el"~ t f Gv 't .ta ~ l0 CItC~ A R t6 ~! •
AB130TT : THAT IS SILLY, COSTELLO L WHEN I CAN IT GO TO SLEEP
I JUST RAISE MY FEET IN THE AIR AND LET THE BLOOD
RUSH TO MY HEkD .
COSTELLO : I TRIED THI.T, ABBOTT 1 IT IS NO GOOD 1
A}3BOT`i' ; NO SLEEP ?
COSTELLO : NO BLOOD L
G (REVISED) -1.8-
]i'IELDS! (FADING IN) AH, THERE YOU ARE, GENTLEMEN V WEI VE BEEN
WAITING FOR YOU t I AM THE REFEREE OF THIS DUELLING MATCH L
ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF , I AM SEEN-YOR ML+'LONHEAD 1
C OS`1'ELL 0 s I t VE SEEN-YOR MELONHEAD AROUND HERE BEF ORE 4 GET A LOAD OF
THAT SHINEY DOME . MELONHEAD,, DIDN iT I SEE YOU SITTING IN
YOUR FRONT WINDOW LAST NIGHT WITH A LIGHTED CANDLE IN YOUI} MOUTH?
FxELDS : NO i WHY DO YOU ASK?
COSTEMLO : YOU LOOK LIKk'. A IIALLOVJEEN PUNICIN 1
1'IELDS : I RESENT THAT REMARK, COSTELLO L I WAS IN BED AT EIGHT
0ICLOCK LAST NIGHT WITH MY HEAD RESTING ON :VIY. PILLOW t COSTELLO : YOU SLEEP WITH THAT. BALD HEAD ON A PILLOW?
F]:ELDS : CERTAINLY L
COSTELLO : HOW DO YOU KEEP IT FROI,~ SLIDING OFF'? !
AISBOTT : C OSTELLO, WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? MELONHEAD IS THE
}' ~'FE REE OF THE DUEL L HE f S HE f E T 0 HELP YOU 1
FIELDS : YES, COSTELLO--I CAME HERE TO GIVE YOU FIRST CHOICE OF' THE DUELLING PISTOLS Z
COSTELLO : I DON I T NEED ANY PIS`.L'OLS . I BROUGHT MY OWN GUN 1 SEE 1
THIS IS THE RIFLE MY GREAT-GREAT GRANDFATHER USED IN THE
1T3VOLUTIONARY WAR I IT USES FLINT AND POWDER AND SHOOTS IIt ON BALLS 1
AFiBO~.CT : YOU DUMMY- -THAT OLD BLUNDERBUSS WON f T WORK 6 /I lI / c/a . s,~ 0.,1`'_ C OSTx;LLO : OH ., YES IT W ILL 6=4"=49PA STRIKE THE FLINT ON THE
POWDER 1 THE POWDER IGNITES ANI) THE IRON BALL _/~~~
OUT THE END OF THE BARREL . WATCH THI S 1
G (REVISED) -19-
SOUND : SCRATCH OF FLINT--LITTLE PUFF---THEN THE IRON BALL GOES
AROUND IN A DESCENTING ESCENTING LONG DRAINPIPE--STRIKES THE FLOOR
.AUDIBLY.....-.._...... _ .._AND ROLLS.. ...ACROSS...... ~ THE STAGE C OSTELLO : ( AF'TER LAUGH ) IT HASN IT Cx OT MUCH OF A RANGE, HAS IT?
FIELDS : WELL, COSTELLO', BEFORE THE DUEL STARTS WE MUST HAVE THE
DOCTOR LOOK YOU OVERt (CALLS) DOCTOR SADDLESOAP---THIS
IS LOU COSTELLOI
: LETIS GET RIGHT ON WITH THE BLANC : ALRIGHT,~ MISTER COSTELLO EXAMINATIONt FIRST I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE YOUR TEMPER--(HIC
TAKE YOUR TE1VIPER-- (HIC )---TAKE YC(TR TEMPER- (HIC )---
TEmYbr., (H6)
C OSTELL 0 : MY TEMPERATURE? BLANC : NO„ BILLFOLD t . ., .AND NOW I t I) LIKE TO HAVE YOU OPEN YOUR
MOU--- (HIC ) ---MOU-- (HIC ) -- OPEN YOUR MOU-- (HIC ) --A94----
(.1ttt) COS`I'ELLO : MOUTH?
BLANC s NO, SHIRT t
C OS~I'ELLO : I WOULD HAVE T 0 UNBUTT 0N iVlX LIP t k~dda BLANC : WELL, -YOU LOOK ALRIGHT T 0 ME, Y=6idifa-YAN t LET IS GET ON
WITH THE DUEL t VVE GOT TO GET HOME .' THERE IS• A CHICKEN
COOKING ON MY STOVE AND VVE GOT TO JUMP INTO THE POT WITh
THE CHICKEN !,
COSTELLO : YOUfRE GONNA GET IN THE POT WITH THE CHICKEN?
BLANC : YEAH t WE IRE G ONNA GET STEWED T OGETHER t ( HI C)
SOUND : (VJHISTLE
FIELDS : ALLRIGHT, COS`P ELLO---TAKE YOUR PLACE,THE DUEL IS ABOUT TO
START .
G (2ND REVISION) -20-
NTLF.S : JUST A' .MOIUIEN`x'I HOW TALL ARE YOU, COSTELLO?
COSTELLOs FIVE FOOT TVi10t
NI:LES : THANK YOUI NOW I CAN G0' ..AHEAD AND DIG THE HOIEI (HA HA)
COSTI.LLO : ABBOTTI DID YOU HEAR THAT -- PLEASE GET ItIE OUT OF THISI
F'IETI)S : ITtS TOO LATE NOW, COSTELLOI HERE CONES DON SAN
FRANCISCOIS SECONDI
NELSON : (FADES IN) HOLD EVERYTHING GENTLEMEN -- I HAVE BAD NEWS .
DON SAN FRANCISCO IS UNABLE TO DUEL THIS MORNINGI
COSTEMLO : kiA, IIA0 HA . HOW DO YO(T LIKE TIiAT, ABBOTT? HEIS UNABLE
TO DUEL THIS MORNING! WFiY HEfS NOTHING BUT A YELLOW
COWARD -- A SNEAKING PANTYVVAIBT . I KNEW HE WOULDNrT
COPrff; OUT HERE AND FACE ME! HE f S NOTHING BUT A FA-•FA-FA-FA .
NELSON : A I1'AKE?
C OSTELLO : N0. PIiONFXe
N.I•JLSON : THAT IS A LIE, COSTELLO. DON SAN FRANCISCO WAS TAKEN
TO THE HOSPITAL THIS MORNING WITH A SEVERE CASE OF
P IhF LE-DIFF IE .
COSTELLO : PIFFT.,E--DIF'FLE??? NOW I KNOW HEfS A PHONEYI BECA.'6TSE,
AS ONE PHONEY `i'p ANOTHER -- TIiERE... IS~ NO .SUCH. THING AS PIFFTE-DIFFLE1
J (2ND REVISION-20A-
I:RIS : (WALKS IN) OH, SO THEREfS NO SUCH THING AS PIFFLE-DIFFLE~
EH?
COS'I'EILLO : N0, I JUST PJlADE THAT UP TO FOOL MY GIRL LENA--(TAKE) 000•:
0000 000000000000--•-LENA 11
:IRIS : ON GUARD YOU BLUBBE'RHEAD f
~SOUhTD : (GUNSHOTS ADLIBITUM) . COSTli]LLO : ABBOTT -- GET ME OUTTA HERE 1 `'
MUSIC : (PLAYOFF)
(API'LAUSE) ..21 ., , NzLES : Abbott and Costello will be back for Camel Cigarettes in
just a moment . And now, this weekts salute in the new
series of salutes to the men who won the Victory I
MUS IC : FANFARE
i r1cGEEHAN : Tonight we salute the gallant crew of the aircraft carrier,
"Enterpri.se", which has traveled more than two-hundred-
seventy-five thousand war miles, and rates eighteen out
of twenty-two possible Pacific Theatre stars . In your
honor, men of the "Enterprise", the makers of Camels
are sending to your follow servicemen overseas five hundred
thousand Camel ci.garettes l ' °
~MUSIC ~.. ~. : FANFARE.,... _... _. _.. _ _., _..... (A PPLAUSE )
NILES : Each off the two Camel radio shows thus honors the different
Units of the Army, Navy, Marines, and Coast Guard -- a
total of a million Camels sent free each week . Came1l broadcasts go out to the United States twice a week, are
rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where
our men aro stationed and, in cooperation with the Good
Neighbor policy, also to Central and South America --
Liston next Thursday when Camel again presents, Abbott and Costello l ,
MUSIC : BUMPER ,,, "I KNOW THAT YOU KN OW" OR "THEME"
(A k'PLAUSE. ) u, ~ it. Ln W
m (REV ISED ) -22-
NIIb. ~AND NOW HERE ARE BUD ABBOTT AND LOU COSTELLO WITH A
FINA L WORD 6
ABB CYrT : HEY r C OSTELLO S OMEB ODY IS HERE T 0 SEE Y OU 1 C OME IN
SEN OR zTA brIUSKEETA 1
VYOIA : (FADING IN) AHO SENOR COSTELLO --M I AM SO S4RRY I
CAUSED YOU SO MUCH TROUBIE . YOU ARE SO SWEET, SO
UNDERSTANDING1 SUCH A CUTE LITTLE BOY ~ COSTELIA : AND YOUtRE THE CUTEST LITTZZ MOSQUITO ItVE EVER SEEN, , ARE YOU G OING T 0 BE AR OUND CA I:,IFORN IA VERY LONG MY LITT lT, MOSQUITO 1
VYOI:,A : YES, I AM 1
C OSZ'E LL0 : IIM G OING R IGHT H OME AND TAKE D OWN MY S CREENS I
ABBOTT : GOOD NIGHT FOLKS I
COSTELLO : GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY j REMEMBER ~ BUY VICTORY BONDS
AT Y OUR MOV IE THEATRE ./-
MUS I:C : THEME UP - H OLD UNDER
(A Pi'LAUSE )
NII,~S : i YES, FOLKS, BE SURE TO TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR ANOTHER
GREAT ABBOTT AND COSTELLO SHOW, BROUGHT TO YOU BY CAMEL
CIGARETTES . . . AND REMEMBER - CAMELS ARE WORTH ASKING FOR
EVERY TIME . SEE FOR YOURSELF HOW "CAMELIS MILDNESS,
COOLNESS, AND FLAVOR CLICK WITH YOU 1<
MUS ICS~ THEME UP AND UNDER AND FADE OUT ON CUE
~ 1--j ln Ln W Abbott & Costello ..23«. 11/1/45
N T : ~/ I It's a pipe 1
SOUND : _ CURLEVV PIPING )
H_CLr-,,S : Ah. sweet music to any hunter ls ear . .e the piping sound of
that great game bird ., the curlew . And herels another pipe
sound thatI s sweet music tooo . .
( IS4LATTON Ei00TH )
BARIIE,TT : Ahhhh. . . .
)I-1RC:E,LLEA Yessir, that way down deep contented "Ahh" is the sound made by a smoker whos e pipe is loaded with Prince Albert
smoking Tobacco . That ra.chp ful].-bodiedp mellows real
"he-man" tobacco flavor »- he loves it a And . . .his tongue
loves t'rince Albert's t-unazin ;; freedom from bite . You
see, Prince Albert gets a special no-bite treatment that
leaves in all the flavorp but takes out the tongue-parch
and punishment . Youl11. t?;o for that 3 J'~lsoo Prince Albert;
is erimp cut :Co,rr firm packing ., e asy drawing and even
burning . Make Z.ou~r next pipeful Prince Albert i`' (Saturday
night, be sure to listen to the k'r3,nce Albert Program --
Grand Ole Opry - broadcast coast to coast every
Saturday night on NBC .)i-r
rnQ .It'IU'S ~.~.~... _._ ._IC._. .i., ..SNEAK. r .~... .~•IN.... .~THEME. ~ w.....-4. UP - FA ~~ ~' FOR. ..o ]\T :CLf:2 The Abbott and Costello show for Camel Cigarettos will
be back at this very same tfi.rne next week, dontt 11118s 3 .t . . .
This is Ken Ni1.er in Hollywood wishing you alll a pleasant , . «-- good nt{;ht-.1
(APPLAUSE)
.MUSxC...,... _...,.. _ s~. . _-r1'FTFT/1h, _. _...... ,., •. ...TO.. _ ..FINISH.,. _...... Nl3C ANNCR' . THIS IS THE NATIONAL BROADCASTING COMPANX . r
nlc