NAOMI JUDD My Battle with Depression in a NEW MEMOIR, the SINGER DETAILS HER 2011 DESCENT INTO SUICIDAL

“I’d just stare. I didn’t laugh, I didn’t cry,” says Judd (on tour with Wynonna in 2010, below) of her darkest days. NAOMI JUDD My Battle with Depression IN A NEW MEMOIR, THE SINGER DETAILS HER 2011 DESCENT INTO SUICIDAL RUSS HARRINGTON; INSET: FREDERICK BREEDON/GETTY IMAGES FREDERICK BREEDON/GETTY INSET: RUSS HARRINGTON; DESPAIR AND THE LONG, HARD ROAD BACK TO HEALTH By EILEEN FINAN PEOPLE December 19, 2016 171 PAINFUL PAST “I’d rhapsodize about my n the fall of 2011, after mother- drugs and was twice placed in psychiat- ‘I was scared. childhood,” says daughter country duo the Judds ric hospitals before finding a combination I had nothing Judd (at home wrapped a reunion tour, Naomi of therapies and medications that helped. on her porch left. Whatever Judd returned home to her farm in Today, she says, “I’m still recovering. I’m in 1979). In I had tried reality, “it was Leiper’s Fork, Tenn., feeling empty. fragile, and I cry a lot. But I’m thankful.” hideous.” Her IShe and daughter Wynonna had decided had failed, earliest memory: to end the musical partnership that had and I thought being sexually abused by her earned them five Grammys since their first Wynonna and I are like moths, dancing I was going great-uncle album in 1983. “I lost my purpose,” Naomi around each other’s bright flames. to die’ (inset, with tells People writer Eileen Finan. With There is always the energy of the —NAOMI JUDD Judd and her time hanging heavy, long-repressed mem- mother-daughter spark between us, yet grandmother ca. 1950). ories of childhood trauma began haunting the flammability of our emotions can her: her mother’s distance; her father’s burn. During our final tour together we alcoholism; sexual abuse at the hands of a each came home with singed wings. great-uncle. The singer was no stranger to At home, a feeling of heavy dread adversity—she raised daughters Wynon- wrapped around me. I thought I was na, now 51, and actress Ashley, 48, on food going to experience the post-tour blues, stamps and welfare before finding success because I always miss the fans and their in Nashville, and she fought back after a joy. I didn’t yet suspect that this time potentially fatal diagnosis of hepatitis C was different. in 1990—but by 2012 she was imprisoned Her life was changing—her children by severe depression and panic attacks. were grown, performing requests were “I’d be in a fetal position on the couch for fewer, and her husband, singer Larry weeks,” says Judd, 70. “I couldn’t eat. Strickland, was often away. I couldn’t sleep. I wouldn’t get out of my You are on your own now, I thought. pajamas. I felt like I was dying and there What in the world are you going to do? was no way I could save myself.” I began sinking deeper and deeper into JUDD(2) NAOMI COURTESY In River of Time, excerpted below, despair. I rambled through the days in Judd chronicles her three-year battle with exhaustion from countless sleepless mental illness. She contemplated suicide, nights and tear-filled hours. developed an addiction to prescription “I don’t recognize you anymore,” Lar- 172 December 19, 2016 PEOPLE 1 BEHIND THE SMILE 3 1. “I was hiding my own mess, but I wanted fans to see me with my perfect hair. I wanted to be an inspiration,” says Judd (with friend Dolly Parton). 2. Daughters Ashley and Wynonna (in 2002) “wanted to help. And they couldn’t.” 3. Husband Larry is “my warrior.” despair that I decided to take Larry’s cavalcade of medicines, and twen- guns for a test drive. I walked into our ty-four ECT treatments, I didn’t see valley and fired six bullets into a dead that I had gained much ground at all. 2 tree. The noise made my brain feel tru- She tried a new behavioral therapy, ly alert for the first time in a year. spent more time with Ashley and slow- Soon Larry came racing over. He ly started to emerge from the darkness. ry confessed. “I don’t know how to help took the gun from my hands and led Acupuncture and Pilates also helped. you.” If he tells me he’s leaving, then ‘I’ve been me gently back to the house. “Wynonna’s coming over for din- what? I’ll be alone. It’s my greatest fear. through so Her friend George Jones’s death in ner tomorrow night,” Larry said al- Larry’s voice stayed firm and calm: much and 2013 made her sink further. She most nonchalantly one day. “You’ve had a complete personality I know I can stopped eating, wouldn’t get out of “She hasn’t come over in almost a change. You’ve got to get serious profes- backslide. bed and began hallucinating. Larry year,” I said, stunned. sional help.” But I’m in a and Ashley took her to the ER; from Larry took my hands. “Being es- My own husband was telling me that there she was admitted to Vanderbilt tranged from Wy has played a big part good place’ LANCASTER; (BOOK) BRIEN FOY JUDD; DEVON NAOMI COURTESY IMAGES; KEVIN WINTER/IMAGEDIRECT/GETTY LEFT: BOTTOM FROM CLOCKWISE I was losing my mind. Psychiatric Hospital. in your depression. It’s time for things —NAOMI JUDD Thinking she could handle things on I was absolutely terrified I was hav- to get better between you two.” her own, she refused to find help. ing a psychotic breakdown. I was so The following evening I cooked I had begged Larry not to tell our completely out of it that I was bab- Wy’s favorite meal of chicken “Conti- friends about what was going on with me. bling and gesturing, trying to commu- nental.” When she arrived, we hugged. I especially made him promise to not talk nicate that I didn’t want to be there. By the end of the evening, I had a deep- about my depression or anxiety with Ash- I was afraid and ashamed. er understanding of why our relation- ley or Wynonna. As a result, I felt more After nine days she moved to an out- ship has had its bumps and bruises. isolated than I had ever felt in my life. patient therapy center where she final- Since then I have come to a place of She finally agreed to see a psychiatrist, ly addressed the traumas of her child- self-forgiveness for the mistakes I most who prescribed antidepressants that left hood. Still suffering from panic likely made as a very young single her angry and agitated. Another blow: attacks, she began relying mother who didn’t have the In June 2012 Wynonna married drum- on Klonopin and ended up resources to make great mer Cactus Moser and didn’t invite her in rehab. She was in free fall: choices. I hope someday or Ashley. After another visit to a psy- both of my daughters will By 2013 I was convinced that a sud- chiatric ward failed to lift remember the good days as den fall from a high bridge was better the despair, she underwent outweighing the bad. than the slow-motion decline I was electroconvulsive therapy. Depression can feel like enduring. I’d keep my focus on the sur- The treatment took away riding a runaway train. rounding countryside, spread my arms her sense of taste. Heart pounding, full speed out and step off. About a month after the ahead, with sudden stops, The only thing sparing me from sui- ECT treatments ended, I unpredictable curves. After cide was the effect it would have on could tell I was falling back Judd says she was the worst three years of my “terrified” to open those I loved. into thoughts of suicide. up, but “I want this complicated life, I’ve finally One afternoon I had so much restless After hospitalizations, a book to help others.” gotten off the train. • Excerpted from the book River of Time by Naomi Judd with Marcia Wilkie. Copyright (c) 2016 by Naomi Judd. Reprinted with permission of Center Street, New York, N.Y. All rights reserved..

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