ISSUE 03 13 MAR 2017

THE NZ PRISONER FIGHTING FOR THE RIGHT TO VOTE “now any person who is in prison on election day cannot vote, creating arbitrary distinctions with enormous consequences.” GET SWEET LOOT WITH A 2017 ONECARD ACTIVATE YOURS ONLINE AT R1.CO.NZ/ONECARD

FLASH YOUR 2017 ALTO CAFE NANDO’S ONECARD AT ANY Bacon & Egg Sandwich or BLT + Regular Free regular peri-peri chips with every flame- Coffee for $10, Mon - Fri 7am - 11.30am grilled chicken, wrap, pita or burger. Free OF THESE FINE chips upgrade with combo meals BUSINESSES AND BIGGIES PIZZA $8 off any pizza purchase.* NOOK SAVE CA$H MONEY! Treatment, cut & blow wave for $69. Cut, BOWL LINE blow wave, colour & treatment for $150. 1/2 2 games of bowling for $15 head foils, cut, blow wave, toner & treatment AMAZON for $164 10% off full-priced items, not in CAPTAIN COOK HOTEL conjunction with any other offer, only $10 for coffee and a Bacon Buttie, anytime OUTSIDE SPORTS available in store. before 5pm 15% off rental, 15% off workshop, and 10% off retail (full price items only) BURGER KING CORNERSTONE INK 2 Cheeseburgers for $3* 10% off per hour PARDEL HAIR STUDIO Student woman’s haircut $40, re-style $50, CAPERS CAFE FORTUNE THEATRE mens haircut $25. Foils or balayage/ombre, 2 for 1 gourmet pancakes* 2-for-1 tickets on Wednesday night toner, hot towel treatment, eyelash tint, performances haircut, blowave for $199* CELLO 5% off Logitech, 10% off Labour, 10% off HELL PIZZA network & data cables PHONE SURGEONS Spend $20 or more and receive either free 10% off all phones, tablet & computer repairs wedges, Garlic bread, or a 1.5L drink* COSMIC 10% student discount PITA PIT HOT YOGA Buy any petita size pita and get upgraded to 5 classes for $50* LUMINO THE DENTISTS a regular* $69 new patient exams and x-rays, plus INCH BAR 10% off further treatments* POPPA’S PIZZA $1 off Emerson’s draught pints Free garlic bread with any regular or large pizza* MEGAZONE HELL PIZZA Buy two games of mini golf or laser tag Spend $20 or more and receive either free and get a third free PURE BEAUTY wedges, dessert pizza, or a 1.5L drink 20% off eyelash extentions, $25 spray tans, Student Brazilian with free eyebrow shape RAPUNZEL’S LEGIT LTD Monday to Friday, 1/2 head of foils $35 including toner for $99, women’s cut 50% off stickers from $39, men’s cut from $29* SUBWAY LIQUID ASSETS JUICE BAR Buy any six-inch meal deal and upgrade to a 12.5% off all juices STIRLING SPORTS footlong meal deal for free* 12.5% off all non-sale items LONE STAR T.M. AUTOMOTIVE Up to 25% off selected beverages when you THE POOLHOUSE $50 Warrant of Fitness fee CAFE & BAR book a function with us. $20 selected Beer $9 for 1-hour pool table hire* Pitchers. $15 Margarita Jugs* THE VAPOURIUM Get 20ml free with any starter kit VOID CLOTHING MOBIL ANZAC AVE 10% off all non-sale items 2 x 500mL Lift Plus for $4 *terms and conditions apply, see r1.co.nz/onecard for details Issue 03 | Mar 2017 Contents 12 44 Vitalogy 45 The Hell Hole 44 Ethel and Hyde COLUMNS 46 Cookin’ up Love 46 Cookin’ 42 Science, Bitches 42 Science, 43 Critic Booze Reviews 43 43 Economics Everywhere Economics 43 42 Voices from Beyond the Grad Beyond from 42 Voices Our tireless and dedicated and dedicated Our tireless has put himself in the reporter to find the cheapest line of fire drink of them all p26 Shakesbeer, —Swilliam Democracy Behind Bars Democracy on is taking Arthur Taylor How prison from government central and winning —Joe Higham, p18 of Obstruction Evidence methods forensic A critique of many on rely and prosecutors that police Doubt, p22 —Wee The Cheapest Alcohol The Cheapest Alcohol In Dunedin: A Critic Investigation 22 26 38 Art 32 Film 37 Food 37 35 Music 31 Books 36 Games 40 Letters 18 6 News 16 Sports 14 Politics 5 Editorial 15 David Clark 15 David 10 News in Briefs 12 Don Brash interview 12 Don Brash NEWS & OPINIONNEWS CULTURE FEATURES THE VAPOURIUM THE Get 20ml free with any starter kit PURE BEAUTY PURE off20% eyelash extentions, spray $25 tans, Student Brazilian with free eyebrow shape $35 SUBWAY Buy any six-inch meal deal and upgrade to a footlong meal deal for free* T.M. AUTOMOTIVE $50 Warrant of Fitness fee Student woman’s haircut $40, re-style $50, balayage/ombre, or Foils $25. haircut mens toner, hot towel treatment, eyelash tint, blowave $199* for haircut, SURGEONS PHONE 10% off all phones, tablet & computer repairs PIT PITA Buy any petita size pita and get upgraded to regular* a PIZZAPOPPA’S Free garlic bread with any regular or large pizza* NOOK Treatment, cut & blow Cut, wave for $69. blow wave, colour & treatment 1/2 for $150. head foils,cut, blow wave, toner & treatment for $164 OUTSIDE SPORTS off15% rental, off 15% workshop, and 10% off only) items price (full retail HAIR STUDIOPARDEL NANDO’S Free regular peri-peri chips with every flame- grilled chicken, wrap, pita or burger. Free meals combo with upgrade chips *terms and conditions apply, see r1.co.nz/onecard for details *terms and conditions apply, ALTO CAFE ALTO LIQUID ASSETS JUICE BAR off12.5% all juices STAR LONE Up off to 25% selected beverages when you book a function with us. selected $20 Beer Jugs* Margarita $15 Pitchers. MOBIL ANZAC AVE 2 x 500mL Lift Plus for $4 CAPTAIN COOK HOTEL $10 for coffee and a Bacon Buttie, anytime 5pm before INK CORNERSTONE 10% off per hour THEATRE FORTUNE tickets on2-for-1 Wednesday night performances PIZZA HELL Spend or more $20 and receive either free wedges, Garlic bread, or a 1.5L drink* HOT YOGA 5 classes for $50* INCH BAR $1 off Emerson’s draught pints PIZZA HELL Spend or more $20 and receive either free wedges, dessert pizza, or a 1.5L drink LEGIT LTD 50% off stickers BaconEgg & Sandwich or + Regular BLT Coffee for Mon $10, - 11.30am - Fri 7am BIGGIES PIZZA $8 off any pizza purchase.* BOWL LINE 2 games of bowling for$15 R1.CO.NZ/ONECARD ACTIVATE YOURS ONLINE YOURS ACTIVATE AT GET SWEET LOOT WITH A WITH LOOT GET SWEET 2017 ONECARD MEGAZONE Buy two gamesof mini golf or laser tag and get a third free RAPUNZEL’S Monday head to Friday, 1/2 of foils including women’s cut toner for $99, cut men’s from $29* from $39, CAPERS CAFE 2 for 1 gourmet pancakes* COSMIC student10% discount LUMINO THE DENTISTS new$69 patient exams and x-rays, plus off10% further treatments* STIRLING SPORTS off all12.5% non-sale items THE POOLHOUSE CAFE & BAR for 1-hour$9 pool table hire* CLOTHING VOID off10% all non-sale items AMAZON off10% full-priced items, not in conjunction with any other offer, only available in store. BURGER KING $3* for Cheeseburgers 2 CELLO off5% Logitech, off 10% off 10% Labour, network & data cables FLASH YOUR 2017 ONECARD ANY AT OF THESE FINE BUSINESSES AND MONEY! CA$H SAVE THE DEPARTMENT OF MUSIC, THEATRE & PERFORMING ARTS

How is first semester going?

Friday 17 March is the last day to delete papers for first semester.

If you’re thinking of making changes to your course of study now, or for second semester, but are not sure what to do, talk to one of the expert team at the University Course Advice Service.

To make an appointment see otago.ac.nz/courseadvice Editorial 5

Why we printed THE CRITIC TEAM

a Don Brash EDITOR LUCY HUNTER interview EXECUTIVE EDITOR JOE HIGHAM DESIGN NATASHA MURACHVER DESIGN & ILLUSTRATION CERI GIDDENS CHIEF REPORTER JOEL MACMANUS SUB EDITOR CHARLIE O’MANNIN ast week an advert appeared in The Star news- NEWS INTERN ANNA LINTON paper promoting Don Brash’s new political move- ment “Hobson’s Pledge”. In it, the group calls for Lpoliticians to stop giving “extra rights for those who arrived here first,” “favourable treatment based on SECTION EDITORS claimed treaty principles,” and asks that those who “don’t like being sneered” at and called “racists” join their ranks. ART EDITOR MONIQUE HODGKINSON FILM EDITOR LAURA STARLING It asks for donations of between $25 and $750. They also MUSIC EDITORS BIANCA PRUJEAN & REG NORRIS have the gall to quote Dr Martin Luther King’s (sans the BOOKS EDITOR JESSICA THOMPSON CARR “Dr” part) “I Have a Dream” speech to reinforce their “We are now one people” GAMES EDITOR CAMPBELL CALVERLEY warped understanding of the issue. —Don Brash (& photoshop) SPORT EDITOR CHARLIE HANTLER It is astonishing that Brash can look around at his POLITICS EDITOR GEORGE ELLIOTT ancient, white cohorts and conclude that we live in a

fully functioning meritocracy and therefore should not CONTRIBUTORS give “favourable treatment based on imagined treaty ZOE TAPTIKLIS, DAVID CLARK, DANNI PINTACASI, principles.” We had an argument in the Critic office about whether JUSTENE ALLEN, TERINA RAURETI, SIANY Having laws that theoretically give equal rights to or not to print our interview with Brash (pages 12 and O’BRIEN, BRANDON JOHNSTONE, JAXON LANGLEY, JACK TREVELLA, CHRIS LAM, JAMIE every adult citizen of New Zealand doesn’t address the 13). It centred on whether, by giving him space in our GREEN (LAST WEEK), LUCY NORTHWOOD, prejudice and inequality caused by colonialism. Pakeha magazine, we were helping him to promote his contro- MIKADE BARNS-GRAHAM today may not have been personally responsible for the versial agenda or whether we were simply providing a crimes of their ancestors, but they continue to benefit broad range of political information in an election year. DISTRIBUTION SAM LLOYD from them. The rise of right wing populist politics and the in- ONLINE CONTENT MANAGER AMAN JAMWAL Brash came into the political sphere as the National creasing acceptability of their messages is a terrifying

Party leader on the back of his financial expertise as the phenomenon that is happening around the developed ADVERTISING SALES Governor of the Reserve Bank and was not initially in- world (France, UK, USA) largely due to the dissemination TIM COUCH, PETER RAMSAY, volved in race politics. He seems to have jumped on this of false information and deceptive political tactics (think JESS DRYSDALE divisive bandwagon later in his career when he discov- “alternative facts”). This phenomenon has prompted ered he could attract votes by banging on about ending closet racists to feel accepted enough to say what they the “favourable treatment” of Māori. Now, as an extreme- used to merely think. ly wealthy ex-politician, Brash has a position of power Dr James Maclaurin wrote an opinion piece that we and influence he could be using for a good cause, as printed in Critic last week, entitled “How to keep talking many other ex-politicians have done in the past. Instead when the world is upside down.” In it he argues that READ ONLINE Issue 03 | Mar 2017 he has chosen to push a weird, racist agenda that is not “What we desperately need is effective, honest, and CRITIC.CO.NZ going to benefit New Zealanders in any practical way. productive arguments with people whose passionately ISSUU.COM/CRITIC_TE_AROHI Brash has stated he is tired of “being sneered at” and held beliefs are diametrically opposed to our own.” GET IN TOUCH being called a racist, as though being ‘sneered at’ is a Actively listening to other people and attempting to [email protected] FACEBOOK.COM/CRITICTEAROHI form of oppression comparable to what Māori face in understand their point of view is the first step to coun- TWEET: @CRITICTEAROHI their everyday life, and have faced since Pakeha turned teracting those views. We believe Brash when he says (03) 479 5335 up in New Zealand to deceptively appropriate their land. he thinks his ideas would make New Zealand a less racist P.O. BOX 1436, DUNEDIN He claims preferential treatment of people is coddling society than it is today. We also think his ideas are full them, as though he hasn’t been coddled his entire life of shit. You may not agree with him either, but maybe Critic is a member of the Aotearoa Student by being born into privilege with the right family of the if you take the time to read his interview answers, you Press Association (ASPA). right colour and right religion, with a father who was will be a bit better informed on how to talk to people Disclaimer: the views presented within this publication do not necessarily represent the the Chief Executive of the New Zealand Dairy board. with similar ideas in the future. views of the Editor, PMDL, or OUSA.

Press Council: people with a complaint against a magazine should first complain in writing to the Lucy & Joe Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the Press Council. Critic Editors Complaints should be addressed to the Secretary, PO Box 10-879 The Terrace, Wellington. 6 News

TOTALLY EXECRABLE Officer Cody Kirby and Welfare Officer Initiative and when it would be being Bryn Jenkins both stated their support offered this year. Both Recreation for the Lucy Foundation, before a vote Officer Caitlin Barlow-Groome and showed the executive in unanimous Hugh Baird had received questions support for the coffee-based charity. about the initiative, and had not Jenkins also proposed flyers to pub- known the answer. OUSA CEO Debbie licise the charity be distributed before Downs clarified that it would “only be the production each night, an idea that offered during the exam periods” was also agreed with. because of “budgetary issues”. Baird then offered his congratula- Concerns were raised because free tions to the entire executive for their breakfasts were still publicised on efforts in Orientation Week, which he some OUSA’s banners and on their said, “went very well overall”. website. Cody Kirby then raised two recom- Finally, OUSA’s new website will mendations. Firstly, a plan of how be up and running in re-orientation each executive member with an al- week. The process has cost approxi- located budget line, or who intends mately $35,000, according to to spend from the general budget line, Debbie Downs. by Joe Higham plans to spend that money. Secondly, that any money spent will include a The executive began by discussing The Lucy Foundation’s goal is to memo to Kirby himself as to how that which charity the proceeds from the “revolutionise the way we do business money has or will be spent. Kirby Capping Show would be given to. by creating a culture of inclusivity in noted that this initiative wasn’t word- Postgraduate Officer Lucy Northwood trade,” they go on to say that “we are ed to have executive members “ask proposed the Lucy Foundation (no helping create an entire supply chain for permission, but to encourage connection), as an alternative to sui- of coffee that is inclusive for people transparency.” cide prevention charity Life Matters, with disabilities across the country The discussion then turned to the which was proposed by President of origin (Mexico) and country of seemingly widespread confusion Hugh Baird at the previous meeting. consumption (New Zealand).” Finance about the OUSA Free Breakfast Issue 03 | Mar 2017 7 - - News [students] do” [students] neighbourhoods get lumped in get there the same there guys you way “Minority-majority “One thing I will say is that Sky has shown they’re they’re shown has Sky that is say I will thing “One an offer TV to Sky to requests multiple made We The decision has apparently been just been as unpop hasdecision apparently The guys you If me. ask you if short-sighted “It’s a use TV sales Sky source, our to According responsive to bad PR. I’d imagine if you guys kick kick guys you if I’d imagine PR. bad to responsive knows”. who but respond, would they a fuss up of Dunedin all areas other why explanationas to fact the than other packages, better offered were by populated is mostly area university the that respond. failed to but they students, statistical system whereby houses and areas are are and areas houses whereby system statistical of likelihood the on F based A to of a ranking given me, ask “If you bill payments. and signups timely Minority-majority system. a racist quite actually it’s way same the get lumped inneighbourhoods there us want even didn’t They do. [students] guys you if know don’t I still first, at area this into come to year.” next here be we’ll signups where I have been able to offer the [the [the the offer to able been have I where signups I had example, For area. student the in deal] better ques I got a builder. was who St Grange on a bloke management, he but by them was tioned I just told it.” okayed they and time full working as it students. has with ular been salespeople with I haven’t sales. get to ability our affected really “It’s it but has I’d figures, definite estimate any seen year. last to compared signups 100 about us cost - stu of $20 out $15, extra an eke to trying They’re dents, but it’s just not happening. A lot flats of other and Go Sky with do make can they reckon just Netflix. [about mouth in your get a taste bad [students] future. the in it get to going not probably you’re Sky], going not probably you’re now, Sky have don’t you If years.” five in it have to - Sky TV Director of Corporate Communication Communication of Corporate TV Director Sky this statement disputed however, Our source, “The decision’s come from up in Auckland. up in Auckland. “The decision’s from come and claimed that the decision was based on whether on whether based and was decision claimed the that few a had “I’ve not. or students were signees the but the decisions are coming from up high and up and high coming from are but decisions the happening what’s got on no idea they’ve ground.” the any “At saying decision, the defended Way Kirsty in offers sales various have will in SKY time point channels. sales This numerous across market, the used strategy is and asales normal marketing could you example, For multiple industries. across var across stations at petrol pricing find different join to offers different or a city of parts or cities ious regions.” in different one gym brand According to one Sky insider, who spoke to us on on us to spoke who insider, Sky one to According was deal standard the of anonymity, condition the Central Valley, East North in residents to offered the only excluding Rise, City the and Dunedin, I can [where cutoff the say “I would quarter student Cargill around probably is deal] standard the offer St”. London or St seven or six showing stats the seen Someone’s and this is decided a area.” bad disconnects hundred of result the been have would disconnects These in flat same more the for not staying students most money, save to trying just “They’re year. one than Under a new policy from Sky Sky new policy from a Under in the North students TV, being are area Dunedin worse significantly offered than non-students deals - in other sub or residents In 2016, urbs of Dunedin. were subscribers first-time of $39 a package offered Sports, a month including The price and MySky. Movies, $49 up to has gone this year students a month, but now only one being offered are option. Otherpremium areas be to of Dunedin continue premiums. all three offered by Joel MacManus by

UNI NEWS UNI

Off Students SKY TVSKY Ripping 8 News

UNI NEWS INTERNATIONAL looking into the gender pay gap and researching different solutions and actions to tackle the issue. Their first aim is to resolve the pay gap in the Preloading International public sector, by taking recommendations from the Joint Working Group on Pay Equity. Bennett hopes Pressing Issue Women’s Day that their efforts to close the pay gap in the public sector will “encourage employers to address the for Dunedin 2017 issue in the private sector”. Police by Mikade Barns-Graham by Anna Linton

Wednesday 8 March marked 2017’s International Information released under the Official Information Women’s Day; a day that has for over 100 years Act last week has highlighted the effect pre-drink- given people a chance to stand up for issues of ing is having on Southerners. gender equality. The Alco-Link data reveals that the majority of This year has encouraged a sense of boldness intoxicated offenders are drinking at home before and action as the #BeBoldForChange campaign going out, raising questions about the relationship focused in particular on gender pay disparity in the between pre-drinking and disorder in the commu- workplace. New Zealand is one of the many coun- nity. The information shows a trend in the last three tries that participate in International Women’s Day, years for alcohol consumption at home having lead an event organised primarily by UN Women NZ and to the bulk of those arrested whilst drunk. other affiliated organisations that have organised Alcohol Harm Reduction Officer Sergeant Ian over 26 for this year. The University of Otago held Paulin told Critic that the Police are seeing the two events: a UN Women breakfast and talk and a prevalence of house parties rising, with police at- soapbox event, which gave women a chance to tending three to four parties daily during this year’s listen and be heard by others. Orientation Week. Rather than the criminal activity The theme for this year has brought to the fore highlighted in the Alco-Link report, the police are the relevant and pressing issue of workplace in- finding the uncontrolled drinking to cause issues equality in New Zealand. A recently published re- like intoxication and broken bottles. However, port, entitled Empirical Evidence of the Gender Pay Sergeant Paulin notes the overall decline of offend- Gap in New Zealand, has revealed that a 12.7 percent ers who have consumed their last alcoholic drink pay gap continues to exist between males and in a private residence over the past three years. females in New Zealand. The research attributed 20 Asked whether the closure of Student Bars over percent of the pay gap to traditional factors such as the past years have had any impact, Sergeant Paulin childbearing, family responsibilities and the career asserts that drinking at home and the associated paths women choose, however the other 80 percent uncontrolled drinking has long been an issue but is “unexplained”. that “We do see more uncontrolled parties since Contrary to the pay wage statistics, the report student bars have closed, which can lead to more also showed that women are, on average, more alcohol-related harm.” highly qualified then men: they stay in school for Vice-Chancellor Professor Harlene Hayne rejects longer, achieve better grades in NCEA, and are more the idea that the closing of student drinking estab- likely to graduate from tertiary education. The lishments has had an effect on preloading or on gender pay gap also increases as one’s job position student misbehaviour. Hayne instead highlights increases on the wage scale, meaning it has specific remiss liquor laws as increasing the prevalence of relevance to those who undertake tertiary educa- binge drinking in private residences. tion. As such, the question must be raised, even Otago University has continued to strongly lobby though women are just as qualified, if not more for “meaningful changes to our liquor laws, such qualified, as men, why are they being paid signifi- as raising the price of alcohol, and cutting down on cantly less than their male counterparts? the number of off-licences”. However, off-license With this theme for International Women’s Day, premises continue to offer easily obtainable alcohol it would seem like a good time for change. After 14 cheaper than licensed premises. years of without improvement since the last attempt Proctor Dave Scott told Critic that he was in to close the gap in pay wages, the newly-elected agreement with the University’s stance that the Minister for Women, Paula Bennett, commented excessive pre-drinking identified in the report that it was one of her “top priorities” to address the stems from particularly lax liquor laws. gender pay gap. The Government is currently Issue 03 | Mar 2017 9 EVENTS COSPLAY News e n t r y o n l y $ 1 0 e n t r y o n l y $ 1 0 COMICS LIVE WRESTLING PROUDLY PRESENTS PROUDLY O F T H E Y E A R ! T H E D U N E D I N & TOYS COLLECTIBLES G E E K E V E N T ANIME STARS A R M A G E D D O N E X P O . C O MA R M A G E D D O N E X P O . C O M TV & MOVIE TV POST-FACT WORLD WORLD WATCH

Facts schmacts. Reality is so boring. Say these with conviction and everybody will probably find you fascinating.

Sao Paulo, Brazil Tables were invented to keep Six shelter dogs have stolen the food away from the sinful dirt of show at the Brazil Open, where the ground. they served as ball kids to raise Indianapolis, USA awareness for pet adoption. The The city of Indianapolis has installed small dogs, hailing from two different Each 1000 piece puzzle of a map wooden ramps in the downtown canal to help shelters, showed off their ball of New Zealand can be rearranged to make a portrait of Sir Edmund ducklings escape without drowning. The ramps retrieving skills in an exhibition Hillary. came in response to baby ducks and geese match between Brazilian tennis dying because they were unable to get over the player Marcelo Demoliner and cement ledges placed around the canal. his coach. Tigers run backwards when attack- ing to make their prey think they are moving away from them.

KATIE—Physiology Eyes work by a clockwork mecha- nism that is coiled tightly when you 1 International women’s day breathe in and out. 2 The Grill What was the 3 Both 1 significance of 4 Smoking causes heart disease When you copy and paste text, people wearing red 5 Jacinda Ardern quantum mechanics causes the on Wednesday? letters to pop out of existence and back again. 1 JOEL—Law What is the best 2 International Women’s Day 2 place to get fish and 3 Caravan at the cricket The neurons in your brain have tiny chips? 4 Primarily for people who “should of” hands that link together when you Saw Neil Wagner take 2 wickets on a remember something. If you can’t Should jail be 5 really jumpy stream remember a word, it is because two neurons have had a fight and won’t 3 used primarily for My celeb crush hold hands. punishment or rehabilitation? 1 BRIDGED & LYLA­—Env.Science/Geology 2 International Women’s Day Don Brash is taking out a lawsuit Do you have an 3 Kate Middleton against the World Wildlife Foun- interesting fact from 4 “That place” (Squidies) dation to stop them saving the 4 pandas, which are causing pander- your last lecture? 5 Rehabilitation ing. He is tired of being sneered at Didn’t go to class (Naughty) by pandas. Who is this? Jacinda 5 Ardern, Judy Bailey, MR JOHNSTON­—Pensioner Judith Collins, or 1 I’m a fan of red—I was called “Red Terror” If you pat your friend on the head gently 2,000 times in one day, they Kate Middleton? on my motorbike will become your servant. 2 Halfway Bush Fish and Chips 3 Punishment 4 Less technology is best Cats are baby bears. BUNCH FIVES OF 5 Jacinda Ardern

SAM­—Commerce Knives and forks need to be kept 1 International Women’s Day in separate compartments for the 2 ReBurger sake of common decency. 3 Both­­—50/50 4 Spice trade—it influenced how trading is done today 5 Judy Bailey Issue 02 | Mar 2017

over ways to to ways was over was over

in their lifetime isn’t black; it’s isn’t black; it’s FACTS & FIGURES NEWS IN BRIEFS MADE NEWS IN BRIEFS MADE MUCH POSSIBLE BY OF: COFFEE COURTESY By Jack Trevella tie a tie. 3,000 around Every year, get people very dark red Pope Francis used to work work used to Francis Pope in a as a bouncer Oxford University On average Britons will eat 1 will Britons On average it’s A kiwi’s egg is so large a human to equivalent mother giving birth a to the last 30 years. are There 300 years old when the Aztec when the Aztec old 300 years was founded Empire on The facial expressions become have figures Lego increasingly

By Charlie O’Mannin

vague headlines. vague headlines. Australian troops. Australian ODT in different locations. locations. in different WATCH thrash around in the swamp of of in the swamp around thrash plan to see how many different different many see how plan to the best kept secret of all time. of all time. secret the best kept kinds of feathers they can lodge can lodge they kinds of feathers applicant is applying for or what or what applicant is applying for And finally, the ODT continues to to continues ODT the And finally, We seem to have an infestation of of an infestation have seem to We Not only do we not know what the what the not know we Not only do Don’t everyone rush there at once. at once. rush there Don’t everyone Over the next couple of weeks they they weeks of couple the next Over Next, the ODT decided to tackle the the tackle to decided the ODT Next, they have done, we also don’t know know also don’t we done, have they This week the ODT divulged perhaps perhaps divulged ODT the This week This week the ODT has finally done it. it. done finally has the ODT This week difficult issue of substance addiction. difficult issue of substance whether they were really responsible. responsible. really were whether they They’ve run out of content completely. run out of content They’ve

MR J SAM JOEL LYLA KATIE BRIDGED\ junk or satellites. junk or satellites. mysterious object, like space space object, like mysterious possible explanations for the the for explanations possible says there are a number of a number of are there says Nigel Watson, a UFO expert, a UFO expert, Watson, Nigel the object disappear, but but the object disappear, lights on their feed to make make to lights on their feed NASA deliberately dimmed the dimmed the deliberately NASA Theorists are claiming that claiming that Theorists are to conspiracy theorists. theorists. conspiracy to alien ‘megaship’, according according alien ‘megaship’, above earth could be an be an earth could above A long bright line hovering bright line hovering A long International Space Space International Station, Space By Jack Trevella Env.Science/Geology ­— Pensioner ­— Commerce —Physiology —Law ­— MR JOHNSTON MR SAM BRIDGED & LYLA & BRIDGED JOEL KATIE International Women’s Day Women’s International Middleton Kate “That (Squidies) place” Rehabilitation class (Naughty) to Didn’t go Terror” “Red was called I’m a fan of red—I motorbike on my Bush FishHalfway and Chips Punishment is best Less technology Jacinda Ardern International Women’s Day Women’s International ReBurger Both­­—50/50 is trading how influenced trade—it Spice today done Judy Bailey International Women’s Day Women’s International at the cricket Caravan of” who “should people Primarily for on a 2 wickets take Neil Wagner Saw stream jumpy really crush My celeb International women’s day women’s International The Grill Both Smoking causes heart disease Jacinda Ardern WORLD WATCH WORLD 12 Politics

INTERVIEW blind society. Unfortunately, many New Critic’s Joe Higham spoke with Zealanders have been so indoctrinated Brash about the movement with the false notion that the Treaty Critic Interviews and how he hopes it will of Waitangi created some kind of influence New Zealand politics partnership between Māori and the Don Brash in this election year. Crown, that we have become terrified of stating our commitment to a colour- blind society in public.

Can you briefly describe what the Hobson’s Pledge movement is to those who are unfamiliar with it? How are you aiming to try and bring Don Brash is the former about this change? Is it a political Governor of the Reserve Bank Some months ago, an old friend campaign in its own right or are you just approached me to say he was seriously attempting to convert already elected of New Zealand, Leader of worried about where New Zealand was MPs to pursue the issues your movement the Opposition, from 2003- heading on “Treaty issues” (separate cares about? 2006 (National Party), and, for Māori electorates, co-governance, giving tribal appointees voting rights To date, we have been running ads in seven months in 2011, led the alongside elected members of local community newspapers in many parts ACT party. His return to the councils, the exemption from income of New Zealand, running the occasional political sphere comes as one tax for the trusts established as a ad in the main Sunday papers, holding result of Treaty settlements, etc.). I public meetings, and building support of the two spokespeople for told him that setting up a new political for our campaign through Facebook and controversial political lobby- party, based on a single issue, would our website (www.hobsonspledge.nz). ing group Hobson’s Pledge, be unlikely to be successful, but We do not propose to field candidates after much discussion we decided to in the forthcoming general election, but a movement that opposes establish the Hobson’s Pledge Trust to may well endorse a political party that is Māori ‘favouritism’, seeking to actively promote a colour-blind society committed to our goals. abolish the Māori electorates in New Zealand, reflecting the words which Governor Hobson spoke as each amongst a number of oth- Māori chief signed the Treaty in 1840 er things. Māori activist and —“We are now one people.” We plan From just a brief look at your website’s former parliamentarian Hone to oppose as strongly as possible all ‘Who We Are’ page, you seem to have a policies which are inconsistent with a striking amount of elderly white men Harawira said of the move- colour-blind society, and to support any (and also a few women) behind the ment that “this is racism and political party, or parties, committed to campaign. Do you think this is a party it’s time somebody called it the same goal. that can appeal to Pakeha and ethnic minorities alike? out”, while Radio New Zea- land’s Executive Producer Tim Yes, certainly we have a number of white Watkin has said “Brash is back Do you think that New Zealand is men with years of experience, though sympathetic to the issues that you are four of our 14 members are women. and so we have to explain attempting to address? Unfortunately, though I don’t doubt again why his argument is that most New Zealanders agree with built on rubbish and rubble.” I have not the slightest doubt that a us, those who voice these opinions in great number of New Zealanders – public are routinely abused as racist, almost certainly the great majority even though of course what we arguing – agree with our objective. There for is not only NOT racist, it is the very have been many things pointing in antithesis of racism! To call us racist this direction, not least the huge is nothing less than Orwellian double- increase in support for the National speak! We want all ethnicities to have Party in 2004 after I gave a speech the SAME rights, not different rights. But to the Orewa Rotary Club in January understandably people don’t like being that year promising that a future accused of racism, so that a great many National Government would move New of those who support us do so “below Zealand decisively towards a colour- the radar”. Issue 03 | Mar 2017 13 - Politics website). If you find any of the issues raised in this article article this in raised issues the of any find you If ment. This interview was conducted prior to the the to prior conducted was ment. interview This about the context once of editorial, that writing has been given. movement Maclaurin’s James article to refer please offensive, filter of your peopleoutside to listen to on how them, which with constructively bubble and argue the on available also is (and two issue in was Critic Please refer to the editorial on page five for both both for five page on editorial the to refer Please opinions onthis move and my Editor) (Critic Lucy improvement across the board in in the board across improvement action affirmative partdue to large of plenty still are There policies.” are statistics” which “Māori social of rates violence, – domestic appalling all are and drug abuse imprisonment, very Māori statistics are where areas any than those for substantially worse But Zealand. other ethnicity in New that those with a Māori the extent to be help should help, need more ancestor not on who some of based on that need, were. their ancestors similarities with your see many Do you populist and other current movement the globe? on around going movements Marine Le to (I’m particularly referring in the UK— Farage Nigel in France, Pen generally—etc.) more and Brexit that many the extent to Yes and no. Yes – those with elites” of the “New Zealand and those without – a Māori ancestor through on ram-roading seem intent New number of policies that a very large of those But many reject. Zealanders on going movements populist “other based on the fear are globe” the around refugees, – of immigrants, of foreigners in Brussels, or distant bureaucrats Those in Washington. power-brokers Trust, supporting the Hobson’s Pledge wanting a those generally, and, more society in New Zealand, colour-blind foreigners, fear we not saying are in a live to want Māori . We or fear all citizens, irrespective society where Māori , were of whether our ancestors the or Asian, have Pacifika, European, same political rights. That is the only run. in the long harmony racial to way But, secondly, to tell Māori that Māori that tell to But, secondly, they have been so incapacitated by by been so incapacitated have they some (not something that happened to six, or seven five, all) of their ancestors need special that they ago generations them – indeed, patronise is to coddling somebody that infantilise them. Telling not on their their future relies success some kind efforts but on waiting for own or hand-out of benefit, special privilege, them. help them, it hinders doesn’t shown Māori social statistics have the board across improvement steady part affirmative action in large due to policies see your you do policies. How these improvements? affecting agree that I would I’m not at all sure that “Māori with the proposition steady shown social statistics have the benefit of the koha required when when required koha the benefit of the needed. are consents resource Not relevant at all to this issue. this issue. at all to Not relevant First, the those who benefit from being provided privileges constitutional (always those with a Māori ancestor to of other ethnicities with ancestors not most ordinary are of course) now the Māori Māori but overwhelmingly lawyers the Pakeha (and indeed elite benefit indirect who get and academics counsel, as legal their role from the ones who are they etc.): educators, of the benefit of the directorships get Treaty from formed the corporations to appointed who get settlements, receive who often committees, council Lyndon B. Johnson once said: “You do do said: “You B. Johnson once Lyndon has years who for a person not take him, chains, liberate by been hobbled and the startbring him to line of a race with all the compete to free are you say have you and still just believe others do relevant How fair.” been completely is in a modern that quote believe you context? New Zealand 14 Politics

NATIONAL they wished for the scheme As for the politics and to become affordable in optics of the announcement, PM’s Proposed Raise the long run. In 2009, the English has driven the initial government stopped making headlines and forced the in Retirement Age contributions (until then other political parties to tell around $15 billion), saying the country where they stand Receives Little Cross- they would continue in 2020. on the age of retirement, a The Maori Party opposes common election issue. Last Party Fanfare a change and repeated election things were different, their position of lowering with Labour advocating By George Elliott the age to 60 for Maori and for change and National Pasifika, who have lower defending the scheme’s life expectancy. ACT’s David affordability. Prime Minister Bill English the retirement age. Labour Seymour argued that the Despite its unpopularity, broke with his predecessor Party leader Andrew Little change should take place by the National Party will feel last week in a major policy said, “Life expectancy may 2020 not 2037. confident that their older shift, announcing a proposal have changed, but bodies As per usual, the likely voting base won’t kick up to raise the age of eligibility wear out pretty much at the king-maker Winston Peters a fuss; those born on or for superannuation, New same rate as they always was front and centre last before 30 June 1972 won’t Zealand’s pension scheme, have done”. week after the announcement, be affected and the base from 65 to 67 years old in the Council of Trade Unions saying “We are categorically would probably see this as year 2037. President, Richard Wagner, not going to support this a wholesome final step in English argues that this concurred, saying the legislation, or a continuation burying the remnants of the measure will cut costs plan would be too tough of the National Party breaking tax-sucking welfare state. for an ‘unaffordable’ its word to the constituency.” and ‘unsustainable’ superannuation scheme, “Life expectan- which currently costs about $11 billion annually. cy may have Economist Michael Littlewood of the Retirement Policy and changed, but Research Centre pointed out bodies wear if this is you, last week that this equates to contact us!! 4.2 percent of net GDP, with out pretty Are the projections showing an increase to a net 7.1 percent much at the by 2060 – still below the same rate as We are seeking volunteers for average net cost for public you... clinical drug trials to compare pensions, 7.3 percent, among market brand-leading drugs they always with generic formulations of OECD member states. Aged between these drugs. Additionally, as part of the have done”. 18-55 years? All participants are new proposal, the eligibility remunerated for their a non-smoker? for new permanent residents time and inconvenience.

mean they would now have not on any CONTACT US NOW TO to live here for 20 years for people working labour medication? REGISTER YOUR INTEREST AND JOIN OUR DATABASE: before collecting the pension, intensive jobs and the age free of medical instead of 10. should stay at 65. CALL conditions? 0800 89 82 82 National plans to present “This policy is being created the relevant legislation to in a context of government E-MAIL the newly elected parliament that doesn’t like to spend [email protected] Zenith Technology next year, but there’s money on people whether Corporation LTD VISIT little support among their it be health, education or 156 Frederick St • PO Box 1777 www.zenithtechnology.co.nz Dunedin 9054 • New Zealand colleagues. retirement,” Wagner said. All studies are approved by a Health and Disability Ethics The opposition and Andrew Little also said it’s Committee administered by the Ministry of Health National’s support partners, time the government resume FRIENDLY STAFF excluding ACT, oppose raising contributing to the fund if GREAT FOOD FREE INTERNET Issue 03 | Mar 2017 Archives-New-Zealand/Otago-Hospital-Laundry/CC-BY-2.0/ 15 - Politics DAVID CLARK DAVID Why a hospital a hospital Why matters rebuild students to A rebuild of the hospital must start without delay. It’s about about It’s delay. without start must hospital the of rebuild A But delays on the Dunedin hospital rebuild have been costly. costly. been have rebuild hospital Dunedin the on delays But lack to facilitiesThe of will modern be of concern particular The government’s refusal to kick-start the rebuild of our our of rebuild the kick-start to refusal government’s The My position is simple: Dunedin requires a well-serviced, a well-serviced, requires Dunedin simple: is position My first The generations. has served Dunedin Hospital The Public Time for an update? Photo of the ‘new’ Time of the ‘new’ Photo an update? for hospital laundry facilities, 1930 hospital speaks to its priorities. Decent, high quality healthcare healthcare quality high Decent, priorities. its to speaks hospital politics - but party an independentassessment be should above sector health the has underfunded government current the shows 2008. since $1.7 billion than more by The community. our in services health of future the and us, of all and planning), (including in 4 years hospitals build can Aussies this better things most about just do can we think to I happen side of ditch. the Even though today it is agreed across the political spectrum that that political the spectrum across it is agreed today though Even a for updating, needs timeframe the desperately our hospital new the that out, and argue some getting dragged keeps rebuild do. currently than they services fewer deliver buildings may of needs healthcare future the will that serve hospital modern people. Dunedin years 150 over place in put were site current the on buildings building Dunedin’s houses that ago. infa clinical The services of part the is 1960. It in built was theatres operating leaky mous be to replaced. needs desperately most that hospital the tipped been has million ($50 direct been both have costs These be replaced) functional will that ultimately services keep into their beenunable pursue to have students (some andindirect poor the in buildings specialties Dunedin because have chosen accreditation). of training a loss to contributed Profession. or medicine, an Allied nursing Health studying those have should hospitals Zealand in New serve to training Students is with riddled hospital facilities. current The world first to access make conditions these leak, theatres and operating the asbestos into and draws overseas, from staff medical attract to it harder quality commitment to education. Government’s the question - - - - - If the United States wants to continue to to continue to wants States United If the Adding to this problem, we have no idea idea no have we problem, this to Adding Yes, the US military can continue to func to continue can US military the Yes, Trump has said next to nothing on the has nothing next on said the to Trump lack of lead House’s complete White The Due to a lack of public comment, news a lackDue to of public comment, news a civilian-led strategy needs to be to articu needs a strategy civilian-led its is entering Raqqa to race The now. lated final stretch. foreign policy challenges is of no surprise policy challenges is of no surprise foreign under a rock. living not recently those to policy of executive’s the tion independently a for possibility the However, directions. policy foreign US military-led sustained the considering alarmshould us, especially mil boost to plans administration’s Trump gutting State while the spending itary diplomatic and deprioritising Department tools. and humanitarian then future East’s Middle the in a say have media is having to use Trump’s comments comments Trump’s use to having is media represent to trail campaign raucous the from on perspective House of White sort some about talking a child like comments Syria, and making explosion soldiers his toy sounds. since his said He inauguration. issue Syria and ISIL destroy” […] “quickly will he that with zones” safe do absolutely “will he that details. any providing out immediate most world’s the of one on ership been at war with the Turkish state for for state Turkish the with war at been decades. is going to US administration new the what making the in years A plan it. about do that House White Obama the by formulated air and intensified ground seen have would has of Raqqa liberation a SDF for support according team, Trump’s by out tossed been delaying possibly Post, Washington the to a year. by operation the connected to Kurdish “terrorists”, specifically specifically “terrorists”, Kurdish to connected has that group PKK, athe militant separatist - - -

The American show of force in Manbij is is Manbij in force of show American The Despite their apparent mutual interests, mutual interests, apparent their Despite US forces are embedded with and fund fund and with embedded are forces US US special forces driving through an active an active through driving forces US special Russian and American special forces, forces, special and American Russian INTERNATIONAL and equip the Syrian Democratic Forces Forces Democratic and equip Syrian the mainly but Arab some of alliance an (SDF), best the as see experts that fighters Kurdish member NATO force. fighting anti-ISIL as group the sees however, Turkey, an example of the predicament that US US that predicament ofan the example faces. in region the leadership part of an effort to stop fighting between the the between fighting stop to of anpart effort the factions, something and Kurdish Turkish It’s deter”. and “reassure calling is Pentagon erations next door in Iraq. next door in Iraq. erations Syrian hot spot, while Russian soldiers patrol patrol soldiers Russian hot spot, while Syrian occur rare a is away, kilometres five just in on ground the US activity Indeed, rence. op their to has relative been limited Syria facto capital, Raqqa. The liberator of Raqqa of Raqqa liberator The Raqqa. capital, facto Syria’s re-arrange to placed well be would ethno-political landscape. aspirations in check and the Kurds want to to want in check and Kurds the aspirations middle little land, there’s out more carve de ISIL’s towards racing are They ground. the Turkish and Kurdish parties are at each at each are parties and Kurdish Turkish the Kurdish keep to wants Turkey throats. other’s in common: they all fight the Islamic State all State in Islamic the fight common: they way one in (ISIL) Levant the and Iraq of or another. and around Manbij, with the potential to Manbij, to potential and the around with a flashpointbecome in continuing the rivalry one thing have which groups these between Kurdish militia and Turkish troops and their their and troops Turkish and militia Kurdish in spotted been all have allies rebel local illustrating the complexity of a conflict which of a conflict which complexity the illustrating 15 remind and March on old be years six will is yet administration ing us Trump the that strategy. outline ato coherent Fighters belonging to the most important important most the belonging to Fighters on converged war civil in the Syrian players week, last Manbij of city Syrian small the Towards ISIL Capital Towards Strategy as Rivals Race as Rivals Race Strategy Challenges, Has No Has Challenges, Trump Faces Immediate Immediate Faces Trump By George Elliott By George 16 Sports

OPINION Yaya Toure has returned to the mercurial talent who Charlie Hantler Sums Up took the Premier League by storm upon his arrival; while his fellow contenders THE ENGLISH for best Manchester City player of all-time, David Silva PREMIER LEAGUE and Sergio Aguero, have finally become agreeable SEASON WITH NINE to Pep’s no cellphones in the changing room policy. GAMES TO GO Aguero’s strike this morning against Sunderland may well be the catalyst for the perennial Fantasy Football I was searching for table has developed. With no European football favourite to motor on to inspiration for this week’s After a record-breaking for anyone but the two greater things. Expect them column, and so I delved disappointment of a title Manchester teams, this to finish the job against into last year’s work. Boy oh defence last season saw puts Tottenham, Liverpool Monaco in Europe this week boy did I find a goodie, with Chelsea finish 10th, 31 points and Arsenal at a strong and take on the Champions claims that Pep Guardiola, behind fairytale winners advantage. Moreover, League quarterfinals. If their the new Manchester City Leicester, they are now Liverpool only play one top talisman, Kevin De Bruyne, manager, was making the 7 points clear of second ten team (Southampton) finds his shooting boots, English Premier League look placed Tottenham (with a in their last eight games; they’ve a good chance of easy. He was undoubtedly game in hand at the time of but they’re Liverpool surprising the masses and doing so at the time, but the writing). The real point of and I hate them, so they going far. danger of such bold claims interest is now the race for aren’t making it. Manchester United is that one can be made to the remaining three spots Harry Kane has found look to be finally becoming look naïve and foolish as the in the top four, which brings the form that put him on accustomed to Jose season advances. qualification for Europe’s the map as one of the stars Mourinho’s ideology. 35-year- Here we find ourselves, prestigious Champions of the league, and has been old Zlatan Ibrahimovic has 27 games into the 38 game League. It’s a five-horse race, scoring for fun. However, they been the poster-boy, still season, and an intriguing with the table as follows: have Arsenal and Manchester scoring for fun at an age United in the last four where most are happier game-weeks of the season, watching football on TV. and these could well be the He has 26 goals so far this slip-ups that cost them. season for United, and there Besides, they’re terrible in are no signs of slowing down. European competition, so a The much underpraised # TEAM GP W D L GF GA GD PTS spot definitely shouldn’t be Ecuadorian, Antonio Valencia, 1 Chelsea 26 20 3 3 55 19 36 63 wasted on them. is having a superb season 2 Tottenham 27 16 8 3 53 20 33 56 Thus leaving us with at right back, and is a major 3 Man. City 26 17 4 5 53 29 24 55 my predicted top 4: component of this United 4 Liverpool 27 15 7 5 58 34 24 52 Chelsea, Manchester City, team along with the attacking 5 Arsenal 26 15 5 6 55 31 24 50 Manchester United and trident behind Zlatan of 6 Man United 26 13 10 3 39 22 17 49 Arsenal. Manchester City have Mkhitaryan, Pogba and come back strongly from Martial. As is tradition with their mid-season struggles Jose, expect Untied to finish under Guardiola, and the in the top four this season, young German talent Leroy before advancing to being Sane is beginning to show fully-fledged contenders just why he has such high for the gong next. There are acclamations from English strong rumours of French and German press alike. superstar Antoine Griezmann Issue 03 | Mar 2017 17 Sports money, ‘Boro’ are heading heading are ‘Boro’ money, rising. after right back down BEST MIDFIELDER: MIDFIELDER: BEST N’Golo Kanté without a without a Kanté N’Golo The man of a doubt. shadow lungs was crucial with three and has been Leicester for Chelsea. again for 21 27 27 27 19 22 25 Sunderland are as good as good are Sunderland -11 -11 -15 -15 -29 -24 -26 as gone, under infamous ex- under as gone, Moyes, David manager United looking aren’t Hull while TAB worth putting your on. It will then be the savings of the Spanish strikers, battle and Alvaro Llorente Fernando and at Swansea Negredo, determine to Middleborough, my For the final dropper. nightmare follow-up, but but follow-up, nightmare the sacking of following Jamie legend folklore Ranieri, a new man. like looks Vardy up through come Having and Howe like the divisions a the man for he’s Leicester, dogfight and will ease them safety. to 52 53 59 45 30 50 46 37 19 35 35 24 24 30 13 14 14 16 16 16 18 3 4 4 6 6 6 10 7 7 7 5 5 4 8 BEST DEFENDER: DEFENDER: BEST FORWARD: BEST While David Luiz and Cesar Luiz and Cesar David While been Azpilicueta have Chelsea, outstanding for Dijk for with Virgil Van along with the I’ll go Southampton, option of Michael exciting back Come at Burnely. Keane Michael. Manchester, to Lukaku. Zlatan, Kane, Costa, edges pick. Costa your Take a he’s getting me since it for winner’s medal. 27 27 27 27 27 27 27 GP W D L GF GA L D GD GP W PTS Leicester have topped topped have Leicester Any of these teams could still still could these teams of Any easily go down. First, I have First, down. I have easily go Bournemouth. discount to them has taken Howe Eddie League from all the way to football of English Two League, and the Premier aesthetically very play they With a football. pleasing 11,000, capacity of roughly stadium a tiny have they Premier at Dean Court by League standings. With and Liverpool Tottenham, agenda, Chelsea still on the run-in, but a tricky have they and personnel the have they through. get to style Chelsea’s aforementioned TEAM Bournemouth City Leicester City Swansea Crystal Palace Middlesbrough Hull City Sunderland # 17 15 19 14 16 18 20 BEST GOALKEEPER: GOALKEEPER: BEST BEST MANAGER: MANAGER: BEST Tom Heaton, the Manchester the Manchester Heaton, Tom has had product, youth United an outstanding season in goal surprising who are Burnley, for in 11th. folk many Antonio Conte has swept has swept Conte Antonio of top-tier the plethora aside Mourinho, (Guardiola, managers to Pochettino) Wenger, Klopp, seems now what Chelsea to steer title. an inevitable For what it’s worth, here what it’s worth, here For so far: awards my are Now we reach Arsenal. Arsenal. reach we Now Here’s how it stands: how Here’s joining his compatriot Paul Paul his compatriot joining and Trafford, at Old Pogba the major transfer this will be English summer. of the story manager mastermind French be to looks Wenger Arsene and will in his final season, by finish, be seeking a stylish the London again providing football. fans with European custom, As has become Sanchez, the Chilean Alexis everything will do dynamo, the job get to in his power missed they have Boy done. the top Santi Cazorla. With turn we established, four that is the the tragedy to zone. relegation DEMOCRACY BEHIND BARS: How Arthur Taylor is taking on central government from prison and winning

By Joe Higham

ne night in late 2006, whilst thick walls that confine you isn’t out of the incarcerated at Mount Eden Prison ordinary for inmates, but conceiving a child Oin Auckland, Arthur Taylor, arguably whilst you’re behind bars presents a difficult New Zealand’s most famous living prisoner, task, even for someone with Taylor’s skillset. had a vivid dream. It wasn’t quite a Martin Once he had told his wife about the dream, Luther King type of dream; those pivotal she told him to find a way of making the moments were some time away yet. At dream become a reality, and so he set about the outset of our conversation, Taylor, who planning a way of smuggling his sperm out currently still has six years left on his prison of prison. When I asked how he actually sentence, began describing how, in the managed to do it, Taylor responded in a dream, he saw his wife “holding a beautiful careful, calculated tone: “I was in a unit that little baby in her arms, breastfeeding it, and had a fridge with a freezer compartment and there was real love in her eyes.” Dreaming of I had an officer who, ya know?” your spouse and the life that lies beyond the If Taylor wants something done, he’ll find a disenfranchisement of prisoners appears way of getting it done, and the conception to be inconsistent with Section 12 of the Bill of his daughter is just one example that can of Rights Act and that it cannot be justified.” attest to this tenacity. Many years ago, Taylor While the High Court’s recent judgment studied for a legal executive qualification, signals an increasing hope for the prisoner and, although he passed with flying colours, voting cause (even if the Crown appeal of he “couldn’t get out of prison to sit the the case spreads a level of doubt on that examinations,” so never actually graduated. hope), the true importance of the judgement In saying that, his greatest achievement could be the doors it opens for other cases. to date, of which he has had many, has Because the High Court’s judgement arguably been a legal one. The achievement represents the first ever ‘declaration of that stands out, partly because it represents inconsistency’ imposed by a New Zealand the first time in New Zealand legal history court, Taylor says it will “act as a chiller effect that a court has given a ‘declaration of on Parliament, who now have to think, “shit, inconsistency’ as a judgement, is his recently if we pass this legislation, will someone take successful challenge in the High Court to the us to court for breaching the BORA? (Bill of Government’s blanket ban on all prisoners Rights Act)” Somewhat unsurprisingly, the voting in elections, which is contained in Government remained resolute in protecting

Now any person who is in prison on election day cannot vote, creating arbitrary distinctions with potentially enormous consequences.

the Electoral Amendment Act 2010. Prior the legislation, appealing the case to New to this amendment, only inmates serving Zealand’s second most authoritative court, sentences of imprisonment fewer than the Court of Appeal. three years were given the right to vote. However, now any person who is in prison on The Court of Appeal hearing occurred election day cannot vote, creating arbitrary between 25 and 28 October 2016, with the distinctions with enormous consequences. final judgment not yet announced. Taylor For example, two people who commit the claims that the government appealed not same crime in the week leading up to this necessarily because they think they can year’s general election could be sentenced win, but in order to “stall the decision beyond very differently; one may receive a month- the next election,” which, strategically, is an long prison sentence (and therefore lose their astute political move from the National Party right to vote in that election), while the other considering the might that prisoners could may receive a community service sentence potentially wield in the election if given the lasting a similar period (and therefore retain vote once again. Were prisoners able to vote the right to vote). in the 2014 General Election, for example, the result could have been significantly different. Before Parliament even passed the bill, the The Te Tai Tokerau electorate ended up being Attorney-General, Chris Finlayson, wrote a two-horse race between Labour’s Kelvin in a report to Parliament that “the blanket Davis and Mana’s Hone Harawira (who had held the seat ever since claiming it in the toilet] her boss asked why she had dust all 2005 General Election). The race came right over her. She told him what happened and down to the wire. Davis eventually won the then he said, ‘shit that’s why all the armed seat by just 743 votes after the 22,000 total police are outside on the road. They might be votes were counted. The electorate is home looking for him.’” to the Northland Regional Corrections Facility (Ngawha), which houses 548 prisoners who On another occasion, Taylor was on the run Taylor said were almost all “keen on the for nine months, leading to the police creating Mana Party ... simply because they had very ‘Operation Needle’ in order to attempt to prisoner friendly policies.” It is likely that locate him. Taylor refers to this operation the families of those prisoners would have amusingly as “more like operation needle in taken some dissuading from rival political a haystack” due to the length of time he was parties to vote against the prisoner friendly able to evade the authorities. He eventually policies the Mana Party were promising “leased a camping ground from Kaipara during their campaign. “Imagine if Hone had District Council, and lived in the community got in [to Parliament], and he took a Mana [Dargaville], just fine.” He refers to this period

He sees the protection of prisoners, who are on the bottom of society’s hierarchy, as protecting the rest of us further up the chain. list member,” Taylor hypothesised, “that’s as a transformative one, believing it to have two votes, that could’ve been the end of the proved to himself “that I could live without [National Party] majority, so it could’ve really crime ... and so long as you haven’t got that had a significant effect!” stigma of criminality out there with you it’s usually fine.” The pervading trend in Taylor’s life is undoubtedly his recidivist nature, having Taylor’s metamorphosis from career criminal been imprisoned for 38 of the last 40 to prisoners’ rights advocate occurred largely years, but another trend that intertwines during the thirteen months he was interned with this recidivism is his ability to make in ‘Siberia’ (what New Zealand prisoners the authorities look remarkably foolish, call segregation), spanning throughout the something which was present far before large majority of 2011. The Department of his numerous legal challenges ever began. Corrections set it up specifically to house A particularly notable example is his Taylor in order to deal with his increasing most recent prison escape (the last of his influence within the prison. Upon his twelve total escapes), where he had “lost release from segregation, Taylor requested all the police, and I was down by the BNZ an Ombudsman’s report, which described Bank building running on a roof there and his treatment during that period as “cruel unfortunately the bloody roof gave way and and inhumane for the purposes of the UN I crashed down onto a poor woman sitting Convention Against Torture”. Shedding light on the toilet. I calmed her and asked if she on the period, he told me that this was due to needed a doctor and hung around, but she the Department of Corrections “deliberately was in real shock … and [when she left the leaving lights on and [making sure] I had no power and no water for lengthy periods.” on the bottom of society’s hierarchy, as In hindsight, Corrections may look at this protecting the rest of us further up the chain. decision and think they played the wrong It is somewhat surprising that Taylor has hand by segregating Taylor, as it sparked been strong enough to not give up on society something of a backlash inside him, which in the same way much of society has given turned out to be far more dangerous than up on him, and on prisoners more generally. what they were attempting to suppress. While the rigid rules of the legal profession Ultimately, if they considered his criminal accommodates Taylor’s brazen advocacy, pursuits to be an annoyance, his legal ones the same does not necessarily extend to have tested them far more. the rest of the population, who are quick to lump the burden of the extensive cost of the Unfortunately, it is far more common to find legal system on the plaintiff (the party who an article berating him for the vast financial initiates the litigation), despite the almost burden the taxpayer is left to absorb because unanimous agreement in legal circles that of his legal battles, than the importance of the the Crown are in the wrong in this case. For rights he is protecting (see example above). Taylor, the fight goes on regardless, because The figure of $370,000 given in the article “if you breach the human rights of one by New Zealand Herald journalist Simon person, then you’re breaching the human Plumb is the cost the Crown (Government) rights of all people. Human rights attach to us must pay, which would be doubled if Taylor simply because we are human beings.” wasn’t representing himself in court (the winner of the case generally has their legal When I spoke to him, his parole hearing was costs paid by the loser). Additionally, because just a few days away. After telling me he the government lost that case, they are the was hopeful but cautious of the likelihood ones who decided to appeal it, and by doing of his release, I asked what he would do the so they increased the price tag, not Taylor as day the day he gets released, and he told Plumb would want to have you believe. If one me, “I’d like to get together with my family side is to be blamed for heaping this legal and have a good catch up, a really nice cost on the taxpayer, it can only logically lie meal, and a bottle of very nice wine.” He had at the Crown’s feet, especially considering organised accommodation, employment, it was them who set this case in motion by and a comprehensive plan his release. His legislating inconsistently with the NZBORA. specialist parole lawyer, Sue Earl, thought their presentation to the parole hearing Taylor explained that because “[I] can’t go out was the best she had ever seen, but for the and represent the unemployed or refugees, I eighteenth time, his release was once again represent prisoners ... I have the standing to declined. Nevertheless, Arthur Taylor has do that because the courts have said I can,” shown that whether behind bars or not, he going on to proudly state that he considers has the influence and intellect to cause the his “[legal] work a payback to society.” He authorities serious problems, and he has sees the protection of prisoners, who are fought for too long to give up now. Evidence of Obstruction by Wee Doubt he most astonishing thing about criminal accusations is that, despite the difference between a person being guilty and being innocent being so profound, the Eyewitnesses are arguments either way can often be equally compelling. TOften the best methods we have to assess guilt or innocence generally the most is physical evidence. While people can lie, the physical evidence they leave at a crime scene can’t: fingerprints, blood spatter, obvious source of testimony, the marks and bits of ourselves we leave behind us everywhere we go. evidence for what However, a report released in 2009 by the US National Academy of Sciences (NAS) critiques many of the forensic methods happened. that police and prosecutors rely on, including fingerprinting, firearms identification, analysis of bite marks, bloodstain pattern analysis, hair analysis, and handwriting. The report says that such analyses are often handled by poorly trained technicians who then exaggerate the accuracy of their methods in court. They were there, they saw it, Eyewitness testimony they can tell you what they saw. Eyewitnesses are generally the most obvious source of evidence for what happened - they were there, they saw it, they can tell you what they saw. Unfortunately, memory recall has recently come under attack as forensics now supports psychologists in their claim that memories can be unreliable, manipulated, and biased. The problem is not simply that people lie; it is that our memories are flawed instruments for documenting reality. He was later exonerated by the Innocence Project via DNA testing When you remember something, it feels as though you are of pubic hair from the rape. Dupree was convicted on the basis of replaying a factual series of events, like the brain was a video eyewitness identification. camera recording its observations perfectly and then storing When someone makes an incorrect eyewitness statement, it is them. But there is no recording device in the brain. Memories are likely that a person is not merely lying, but has had their memory pieced together in a kind of patchwork, created by combinations altered by the circumstances, the pressure of the investigation, and of associations. Repetitive replaying of a memory in your head the desire to remember something useful. Children are particularly is likely to alter it, so sometimes the memories we think we vulnerable to memory manipulation, and adults over 65 seem to remember best are actually inaccurate. exhibit memory distortion more than young adults. We are also susceptible to suggestion. In an American The strange practise of regression therapy could hold some experiment on memory fabrication, adults were shown insight into how easily manipulated our memories are. The photoshopped pictures of themselves as children, doing things therapy is a process by which people believe they can access they had never done, such as riding in a hot air balloon or on a memories lost in childhood, drug abuse, through trauma, or even sailing ship. 33 percent of people claimed to not only remember wiped by alien abductors. Regression Therapist Barbara Lamb the experience, but could add details of their own describing what says: “When we do the regressions, it is like reliving the whole happened. Memories are incredibly malleable. experience that they do not consciously remember.” What may In 1979 Cornelius Dupree was charged with the aggravated actually be happening could be the exact opposite – rather than robbery and rape of a 26-year-old woman during a carjacking. He uncovering memories that have been forgotten, the therapists are was sentenced to 75 years in prison, of which he served 30 years. implanting new memories that never happened. Fingerprinting Fingerprints have been used as evidence in criminal cases since magnifying glasses were high-tech detective equipment. Sir William Herschel was one of the first to advocate the use of fingerprinting in the identification of criminal suspects. While Human skin working for the Indian Civil Service in 1858, he began to use thumbprints on documents as a security measure to prevent the then-rampant repudiation of signatures. Francis Galton, another is not a good advocate, called fingerprints “the most beautiful and characteristic of all superficial marks” and estimated that the likelihood of one person having identical fingerprints to another was one in 64 medium billion. However, Professor Anil K. Jain of Michigan University, who has studied the use of fingerprints as identification, says, “The to capture uniqueness of fingerprints has been believed over time because of lack of contradiction, and relentless repetition”. Also, when you are looking at a little smudge someone left at dental a crime scene, it’s difficult to be accurate. Many fingerprints taken from crime scenes are partial prints, and can come out differently depending on where the pressure was placed and quality imprints. of the skin. In the 2004 Madrid train bombings, American attorney Brandon Mayfield was wrongly linked to the bombings because of his recent conversion to Islam and a single fingerprint found at the crime scene. The FBI described the fingerprint match as The mark can be distorted “100% verified”. Spanish authorities contested the matching of with movement and time. the fingerprint and informed the FBI that they had other suspects in the case, but the FBI disregarded the information. The FBI proceeded to spy on Mayfield and his family, allegedly taking DNA samples from their home to keep in storage. Mayfield was finally released when the FBI conceded that only one of the twenty A panel of experienced bloodstain pattern analysts looked at 730 fingerprints found at the crime scene was a close match to his. The patterns on various surfaces. On certain materials misclassification FBI later admitted wrongdoing and apologised for their actions, rates were as high as 59 percent. However, when the analysts but denied that Mayfield’s recent religious conversion was one of were deliberately pointed towards the correct classification, the their reasons for suspecting him. misclassification rates plummeted. This suggests that bloodstain pattern analysts are susceptible to cognitive bias. When the guilt or Bloodstain pattern analysis innocence of a person is at stake, even a slight bias could destroy Bloodstain pattern analysis (BPA) is the observation of someone’s life. bloodstains at crime scenes with the goal of helping investigators The NAS report concluded that BPA had “some support in draw conclusions about the crime. The opening scene in Hannibal research” but “the uncertainties associated with bloodstain pattern has Criminal Profiler Will Graham quickly scanning the scene of a analysis are enormous.” murder and being able to recreate the exact series of events from In 2000 David Camm was convicted of murdering his wife Kim the bloodstains and inanimate objects around him. and their two children and was sentenced to life in prison. He had Modern technology is making BPA more reliable, particularly served 13 years of his sentence before it was discovered that the with advances in DNA analysis. However, a 2014 study by key prosecution witnesses, a blood spatter analyst whose findings scientists from New Zealand and North America found blood had triggered the arrest, had falsified his credentials. He had spatter analysts to be highly susceptible to confirmation bias. claimed to be a university lecturer and PhD candidate. He actually had no affiliation to the university, had no training in blood spatter or crime scene analysis, and had never worked a single case prior to the Camm family murders. The defence demanded that the What may actually be DNA evidence found at the crime scene be tested a second time. It turned out that the DNA was never tested, despite assurance happening could be the that it had been, and returned no matches. Found at the crime exact opposite: scene was a sweatshirt containing the DNA, prison nickname, and department of corrections number of Charles Boney, a convicted felon with a history of stalking and attacking women.

Forensic Odontology We may all be unique in our own way, but we can’t always be Rather than reliably told apart by the marks we leave at a crime scene. Forensic odontology is the practise of comparing people’s teeth to human uncovering bite marks. The NAS report concludes that while it is reasonable to assume that the process can sometimes reliably exclude subjects, matching a person to their bite is very difficult. The report says “In memories that numerous instances, experts diverge widely in their evaluations of the same bite mark evidence.” Human skin is not a good have been medium to capture dental imprints. The mark can be distorted with movement and time. Forensic Odontology has bitten off more than it can chew in forgotten, the its usefulness as evidence. Ray Krone was found guilty of killing a woman in 1991 in Phoenix, Arizona. He spent ten years in prison, including two years on death row. He was given the unfortunate therapists are nickname “The Snaggletooth Killer” because of his crooked teeth, which implicated him in the murder as they appeared to match implanting new the bite marks left on the victim’s body. He was released in 2002 when DNA evidence revealed that the real killer was Kenneth Phillips, a violent repeat sexual offender. Then, in 2005, Krone memories that was a contestant on Extreme Makeover where he had his teeth straightened. never happened. Pretty much everything else The NAS report also stated that handwriting comparisons, like the one seen in The Jinx, “May be of some value” and studies suggest that there “may be a scientific basis” to the procedure. Analysis of hair evidence has “no scientific support for solo use”. Comparing and matching hairs on a microscopic level is highly subjective and “no scientifically accepted statistics exist about the frequency with which particular characteristics of hair are distributed in the population.” And even DNA testing, the gold standard of crime-scene evidence, isn’t foolproof. Samples can be used to confuse jurors, witnesses, and defendants into believing be mixed up, false evidence can be fairly easily planted, and something they didn’t believe before. While it is difficult to imagine laboratory scientists can be biased. an ideal forensic procedure, we need to keep in mind that there are All of these forensic techniques can help to build a case against an unknown number of wrongly convicted people sitting in our someone to convict them beyond reasonable doubt. They can also prisons right now. The Cheapest Alcohol In Dunedin: A Critic Investigation

by Swilliam Shakesbeer

When you’re a student expected to live on $176 a week from Studylink, every dollar counts. It’s a con- stant struggle to balance those optional extras, like rent and food, with the essentials, like coffee and alcohol. Getting a buzz on a budget is a delicate art – you want to drink to forget your financial woes, not create new ones.

The Golden Ratio If you’re wanting to get your money’s worth of alcohol, any self-respecting student needs to have an experienced grasp on the magic ‘dollar per standard’ formula. The ‘Golden Ratio’ of one dollar per standard is fast escaping us, being washed away by the ri sing tide of inflation and taxes.

The hunt for cheap alcohol is becoming more and more intense, as the golden ratio is becoming more and more rare. For this reason, we at Critic are launching the most important piece of investigative journalism in our history. A quest to discover, once and for all, the cheapest alcohol in Dunedin. The Rules It can taste Let’s set some ground rules. Firstly, this is solely about price, taste is totally irrelevant. It can taste like ethanol and farts put through a like ethanol soda stream provided its dollars per standard ratio pays off. Sec- ondly, we are only counting standard Recommended Retail Price and farts put (RRP). You may occasionally find deals better than RRP on special, and if you do you should absolutely take full advantage of them, through a soda but for the purposes of this investigation we are only considering the RRP of products that are consistently stocked and available. stream provided Thirdly, the beverage must be sold at a liquor store, supermarket or other off-license outlet within the Dunedin City Limits. Lastly, its dollars per while we have done our absolute best to scour the city for the best deals possible (and are quite confident in declaring our winner), standard ratio anyone who thinks they can top us is encouraged to write in. pays off

Beer The first stop on our intrepid journey is Super Liquor, home of the legendary Southern Gold. As the distinctive sign out the front proudly proclaims, it costs $27.99 for a tray of 24, putting its dol- lars per standard (D/S) at 1.16, an impressive figure. Swap-a-Crates seems like a contender, but they are surprisingly dear. Even when you include the discount for returning your bottles, it would need to cost less than $32.50 to beat Southern Gold’s D/S. Both Flame and Haagen come in just over, and will often put up a good fight at sales time. However, based on regular retail pricing, SoGo reigns supreme as the cheapest beer in the city. Beer snobs be damned, this weird-tasting frothy excuse for a lager will save you stacks in the long run. RTDs

But, as most drinkers will know, beer is not your go-to option for a cheap night on the piss. It’s time to explore the wondrous world of RTDs. Diesels are a solid option. At 330mls, this mixture of sugar and motor oil offers a bigger punch than most RTDs. At 7% and $14 for six cans it offers 10.5 standard drinks and a D/S of 1.33. Not bad by any means but certainly beatable. In reality, any chance a canned RTD had of hitting the golden ration died out when the government outlawed 8% beverages. While Cody’s, KGB and Cruisers all offer an easy path to diabetes, none of them are a particularly good deal on the alcohol front anymore. Riggers But there is one outlet in Dunedin that blows them all away. At Meenan’s Bottle Store on Great King St, the oldest liquor store in Dunedin, you can fill your own rigger with a variety of alcohol. Among them is their own brand of ‘Vodka Ice’, a slightly cheaper knockoff of the famous Icebreak- er from McDuffs Brewery (RIP). Provided you bring your own bottle, Vodka Ice is 4% and costs just $3.10 per litre. That’s a D/S of 1.03, tantalis- ingly close to the Golden Ratio. That’s so close it’s almost teasing us. But you can get there, thanks to economies of scale. If you splash out for an entire keg, you’ll get a total of 150 standard drinks for $150 (not includ- ing the keg deposit), giving us our first taste of the glorious Golden Ratio

But it’s not always practical to buy a whole keg for a night (and you’ll have to end up sharing it anyway). Surely we can reach the Golden Ratio without having to shell out for 50 litres at a time. Getting Closer So is that the answer? In order to buy the cheapest spirits you have to The Hard go for watered down, flavoured, industrial ethanol? Well, no, you just have to travel a bit farther out to beat it. Any deal-hunter will know that McDuffs Brewery (RIP) used to sell fill-your-own bottles of spirits for Stuff around $30-32 a litre, depending on flavour, right bang on the Golden Our next move was to explore the world of hard liquor. A standard bottle Ratio. With the closure of that great establishment, it seemed like truly of name brand 40% vodka will run you about $40 at most liquor stores cheap spirits would be a thing of the past in North Dunedin. However, and contains 32 standards. Stil has a cheeky tendency to fool you into through our committed hunting, we managed to find one other outlet thinking it’s a lot cheaper than it is by dropping its strength to 37%. From way out in the depths of South D, unbeknownst to most students. The our findings, if you want to find the best D/S on spirits at local liquor Dunedin Malthouse, supplier of all your homebrewing needs, sells vod- stores, you’ve got to drop into truly disgusting territory. Thanks to the ka and gin at $31 a litre and whisky, rum and brandy at $31.50 snaking government offering massive tax breaks to protect the wine industry, past the Golden Ratio with a D/S of 0.97. It is worth noting that if you go anything between 9% and 14% normally has an excellent D/S. Taking to the Dunedin Malthouse and pick up some homebrewing or distilling full advantage of this is a range of watered down vodka and other spirits equipment, with a bit of practice you can start making decent alcohol for coming in at precisely 13.9%. Kristov Raspberry is the best known and way less than anything in this article. costs $12 for 11 standards, a D/S of 1.09. It tastes like the sewage runoff from a Real Fruit Ice Cream shop, but it’s a great deal. Anytime you can beat the Golden Ratio, you know you’ve got a great deal. But a great deal isn’t enough, we’re looking for the best deal. Let’s move on to the wine – a drink which is simultaneously the classiest and least classy way to get pissed, depending on whether you’re drinking from a glass or a bottle. Wine Fat Bird and Little Penguin are perennial BYO favourites, perfect for choking down alongside your Butter Chicken Mild. Red wines are usual- ly your best shot when it comes to D/S. As far as we could find there are no bottled wines that beat the golden ration at RRP. Honestly, the range of wines at most supermarkets is so large that basing any decision on standard pricing is almost impossible – you should just grab whatever is on special.

Glass bottles are a major expense for producers. It’s tough to make the margins meet with added expense. That’s why bottle wines are never going to beat the real heroes of budget alcoholics: the goon. Goon is the sweet, sweet nectar that binds the Australasian continent together

God Bless Goon Goon is the sweet, sweet nectar that binds the Australasian continent together. It’s delicious and nutritious, and the goon sack can easily be turned into a makeshift pillow when you inevitably pass out after fin- ishing it.

By far the best tasting wine good is the iconic Blenheimer. Available at Countdown for $22, it contains a very respectable 25 standard drinks, putting its D/S at a very healthy 0.88. It’s light and fruity and very drinkable. The secret to the taste is that at 11% it’s much lower on ethanol than your ordinary bottle wine, drastically reducing the harsh feeling at the back of your throat.

But, while Blenheimer is a deal for the ages and super duper yummy, it’s not the best deal in Dunedin. Drumroll please…

Hallelujah

The moment is here, we can finally announce the winner, the best deal in the whole city, the champ of champs, the drink of drinks, the hero of students everywhere. The award goes to… Coming in at 12.5% and served in a full 3 litre goon sack, Mystic Ridge comes in hot with 30 standards and costs an unbeatable $22.95. Mystic That’s a D/S ratio of 0.765, almost unheard of in this day and age. It Ridge Wine tastes like absolute fucking dirt. Imagine a cocktail of paint thinner and that liquid that collects at the bottom of the veggie drawer in your fridge. But with a price like that you can afford to buy a few Goon from mixers to help you sink it down. If you buy five of them you can make a massive batch of jungle juice, mix it with $35 worth of soda pak’n’save and juice and still come out better off than any keg. a toast! (Cheers and applause erupts from the crowd of broke scarfies) So let’s all have a toast for the undisputed Dunedin alcohol champ, Mystic Ridge! Issue 03 | Mar 2017 31 - - - Culture - fin of pain the know will you a bookworm, are you If Originally published in Japanese, and translated into into and translated in published Japanese, Originally are films Anderson’s Wes as metaphorical as A book Told via the perspective of two characters–Aomame and and characters–Aomame of two via perspective the Told Aomame says, “I can bear any pain as long as it has mean has it as long as pain any bear “I can says, Aomame nothing contains ifing,” not meaning. and this novel English by individually accomplished authors Jay Rubin Rubin Jay authors accomplished individually by English finds in brilliance its concept novel the and Gabriel, Philip music in classical the than language. This is reflected rather the to meaning giving composers 1Q84, frequents that states: himself writer the As lyrical. than rather abstract “Itcannot be is there explained. meaning not the But that moment they the forever lost are that meanings certain are words.” in explained are reader the way the change to 1Q84 seems symmetrical, begin to themselves just as characters the reality- views examines Murakami hypnosis. in Jovian moons two see ridiculous both the and humanthe through condition mundane. of ordinary, the Hallucinogenic in distortion its Finding form. literary in Rap Acid Rapper’s the Chance is this facing populist the leadership in a world relevance heavier 1984. new a delivers prose relativist cultural Trump, of sto connected within the feature characters Numerous and of antagonist as bothprotagonist serve that rylines so essence their captures and author the fates, own their as hold own their characters supporting the that well personalities. complex pain the like was 1Q84 Finishing novel. great truly a ishing but, is as graduating, who a friend to goodbye of saying Tengo, and through three volumes framed by the seasons, seasons, the by framed volumes three and through Tengo, the in overlooked easily is book the of complexity the plot of a female intertwining of delicately the escapism and math-prodigy-turned-literary-fraud. assassin cult as juxtaposed a mystical are and frigidity Promiscuity in Joycean so metafiction nestle themes and Orwellian it anmake unfa would teacher English high school your miliar text practice exam. exam. miliar practice text old-fashioned vengeance set against the backdrop of of backdrop the against set vengeance old-fashioned by set In maintaining precedent thematic the Tokyo. themes and religious supernatural works, his previous be a Shades dull Fifty could otherwise what dominate bondage. the without of Grey - a cor to similar more writing for known is Murakami fiction. In 1Q84 acid than contemporary trip porealized combine dystopia and surrealism (one-q-eighty-four) and love modern equal parts fuel a fustercluck to Review by Zoe Taptiklis Zoe by Review BOOKS —Haruki Murakami —Haruki 1Q84 32 Culture

FILM Throughout the film, nostalgia is a drug for both the characters and the audience. T2: Trainspotting T2: Trainspotting makes several referenc- es and quick flashbacks to Trainspotting, but the film stands on its own just fine. It doesn’t rely on the success of the original Director: to make it interesting or watchable. Danny Boyle T2: Trainspotting is everything a sequel The soundtrack is a perfect blending should be. It has the original cast and of old and new songs. Favourites from Reviewer: director (Danny Boyle), and is a continu- Trainspotting reappear as newly remixed Siany O’Brien ation of the original story set 20 years versions: Lust for Life by Iggy Pop and later, but it still has the same charm as Born Slippy by Underworld. I highly rec- its predecessor. For all you who were ommend a listen to Silk by Wolf Alice, a scarred by the first film, fear not! T2 is not modern song included in the soundtrack. nearly as disturbing; instead a comedic, This film totally reignited my love for thrilling and poignant epilogue on the Trainspotting, while still making me characters from Trainspotting. appreciate the sequel as its own different Ewan McGregor returns as a, now clean, film. I believe even people who haven’t Mark Renton and perhaps the best-aged seen the original film will enjoy T2: junkie you’ve ever seen. The rest of the Trainspotting, although this film is clearly original cast including Jonny Lee Miller designed as a nostalgic hit for people who as Simon/Sick Boy, Ewen Bremner as have loved Trainspotting for years. Spud, Robert Carlyle as Begbie and a few Choose life, choose T2: Trainspotting. other minor characters who cameo. All seem to effortlessly step back into their roles, as if they have all been living their characters’ lives for the past 20 years.

FILM there’s lots of crime in this area and Tom I’m sorry iBoy, but you can’t have a vig- can’t really do anything to help. Excitingly ilante superhero made of a boy who hacks iBoy for Tom, Lucy (Maisie Williams)—his crush the planet with his phone brain and make —invites him to her house to study. When it gritty and dark at the same time. he arrives, he finds a group of men in masks violently assaulting Lucy. Tom Director: runs away while calling the police. One Adam Randall I don’t know about you, but when a Netflix of the men shoots him as he runs. Later, original rolls my way, I tend to get pretty he wakes in hospital with a doctor ex- Reviewer: excited. Netflix has a habit of picking up plaining to him how he has parts of his Laura Starling cool, interesting shows and movies that phone scattered through his brain. wouldn’t necessarily get funding from Quickly, we realise that Tom has magical conventional studios. I trust Netflix with tech powers. my viewing pleasure. So, when I saw the iBoy consistently sticks to being so Netflix original iBoy pop up in my unforgivingly grim and dark that it’s nigh ‘Recommended for Laura’ category, I impossible to enjoy any of it. It doesn’t ignored the terrible title. I even looked really matter that the acting is fine— past the film’s concept: a boy has his Maisie Williams offers a strong perfor- phone shot into his head and gets magical mance with what she’s given, or that the tech powers. I thought to myself “hey, it’s film is quite visually appealing with Netflix! I’m sure it’ll be great. Also, it has impressive special effects. iBoy drags Arya Stark in it! Awesome!” along the dirty crime filled gutter anyway, I was wrong. taking itself far more seriously than it has Tom (Bill Milner) is an awkward teen any right to. This could have been a fun living with his grandmother in a crappy movie with a few moments of levity, but apartment. Tom ignores the crime around the soundtrack, the script, and the blue him, but is obviously uncomfortable, tone of the entire thing don’t allow for it. Culture 33 FILM ‘superhero movie’ is inapplicable, and the Wolverine, fight scenes result in bloody Logan-Laura relationship falls squarely wounds and decapitations. Hugh Jackman Logan in expected ‘begrudging lone wolf and has proclaimed this his final outing his cub’ territory. This relationship is as Wolverine. Thankfully, before Jackman extremely reminiscent of Joel and Ellie in hangs up his claws for the last time, we Last of Us, so much so that a couple of get to see him fully embody Wolverine’s Director: shots are clearly lifted directly from the signature berserker rage in a way James Mangold Set in the year 2029, years after the events game. The difference here is that Laura never seen on screen before. His swan of 2014’s X-Men: Days of Future Past, gives Logan a run for his money in terms song couldn’t have been any more fitting Reviewer: Logan brings the story of Hugh Jackman’s of physical brutality. or satisfying. Brandon Johnstone Wolverine (AKA Logan AKA James Despite a healthy smattering of very Howlett) to its logical conclusion. Fully dry humour and bright visuals, Logan embracing the ever-deepening growling takes itself quite seriously, avoiding the bitterness in Jackman’s portrayal, Logan trappings of past X-Men films by inten- sees a time-worn, worse-for-wear tionally excluding cartoonish villains (no Wolverine driving a limo for cash. Taking Mister Sinister, sorry comics fans) and it upon himself to provide medication and spectacle heavy story resolution, and is care for a mentally-degenerating, elderly all the more entertaining for it. That’s not Charles Xavier, while suffering from to say that there are no superpowers worsening adamantium poisoning him- present, but they feel more organic than self. There’s plenty of pain to go around. before, and are often more of a product of Logan becomes responsible for escorting a character’s desperation than a blatant a young mutant, Laura (or X-23), with effort to entertain the viewer with bom- mysterious ties to the near extinction of bastic special effects. the mutant race, across America. The film It’s worth mentioning that Logan is transforms into a full neo-Western road incredibly brutal and the R16 rating is well trip, to the point where the phrase earned. No more bloodless stabbings from

FILM Boston to Manchester. During his adjust- ment, he’s faced with the judgement of Manchester the people who have lived in the town their whole lives. The audience is also by the Sea shown why he’s such a broken man. Casey Affleck proves his acting ability as Lee struggles with speaking to women Director: Kenneth Lonergan is famed for exploring because of his history with his ex-wife, Kenneth Lonergan grief in his films. His previous film, and disapproves of his brother’s son Margaret, was a character study of a high having two girlfriends, which is ironic Reviewer: school girl who is traumatised after wit- considering that in real life he can’t seem Jaxon Langley nessing a woman hit by a bus. She begins to contain himself around women and to over-involve herself in the case as she has been through several sexual harass- Issue 03 | Mar 2017 can’t comprehend why no one is willing ment lawsuits. Michelle Williams gives a to investigate whether or not it was in- great performance as Lee’s ex-wife tentional, as she herself is never quite Randy; it’s disappointing that she only sure. In a way, Manchester by the Sea is appears in a handful of scenes. a spiritual successor to Margaret, but Although I would have appreciated it instead the character grows in response if the film’s women weren’t sidelined, I to the events of the film. can’t demerit most of what Lonergan has Lee (Casey Affleck) returns to his to offer here. It’s absurdly funny and often hometown of Manchester after he learns heart-breaking, but above all Manchester of his brother’s death. Sorting out his will, by the Sea is a deeply human story of it’s revealed that his brother left Lee full men, their pain and how they handle it. custody of his teenage son. Although he’s not obligated to stay, he decides to try and make things work and moves from 34 Culture Culture 35

MUSIC REVIEW it, but the River Jesters haven’t quite broken that mold. TRACK OF THE WEEK They can all strum, pluck, whack, and sing in a very conventional manner, as if they’ve learned to play their ‘Ex’ by The Foxy ‘Beautiful Mire’ songs from an online instruction video in preparation for an audition on X factor NZ. Sure, they’ve got nine Morons from their -The River Jesters original songs on ‘Beautiful Mire’ but they sound bogged self-titled debut. down in endless renditions of Mustang Sally, perfected renditions of John Butler Trio hits, Red Hot Chili Peppers, No explanation wordless choruses consisting of vocal noises like their song ‘La Ba Da’. Generic guitar music made by men needed; just listen. (needs an acronym), the wankery, that brand of com- Available through posing when a three minute pop song can’t be locked down and in a mad panic it jumps from one cliché to Wrong Place another. It’s a self-conscious defence mechanism, trying not to be boring, as is the case on the unfortunately titled Records. Listen at ‘Dream Burlesque,’ which I will admit has an OKAY wrongplace.bandcamp.com Sabbathy chorus, but it’s in sour conflict with the waltz- ing verses. The thing I can’t get past is the vocal gymnastics. The delivery of the vocal melodies, yes all of it, it’s not my STUFF AT FRINGE bag, sorry. It’s too desperate, too strained, too cocky, as if their primary function is to disguise how awful the If you thought the Fringe Festival is ex- lyrics are. Obviously on the funking ridiculous ‘Lost in pensive and does not include music, you Translation’ (yes it’s about Bill Murray), there’s no point couldn’t be more wrong! Fringe 2017 is on trying to hide them, but on the rock ballad ‘Take Me this week until Sunday 19th March and Down’ repeating that line so many times over the course includes several musical delights for free A Review by Reg Norris of seven minutes with that hideously affected vocal is (and even more bloody close to free)! unforgivable. Thematically it doesn’t get much worse than the album’s six pack faux glam can opener about Amped Music Project celebrates the I had to throw away the bean metaphor. It wasn’t work- clothing items and not dressing like a man on ‘Saturday Amped class of 2016. Gigs starts at 5pm ing. I was trying to say something about the bleak future Night’. It’s a parody, just some confused superficial and 7pm Saturday 18 March (free). of modern rock. Can anything really exciting and new masculine drama, as are most of the other tracks here. come out of this genre? And by saying new I don’t mean It might explain their shared love of Bill Murray. It does Eight J.S. Bach Masterpieces performed NEW NEW because rock ‘n’ roll is locked down to con- not explain the song about a truck driver. by some real music maestros at the old ventions and if it breaks away from these it becomes, I can’t stand vile exhibitions of musical prowess. I do Monkey Bar (on Hanover St) on Sunday well, something else—like ‘brunchcore’ for instance. I care about how that skill is applied to the songwriting afternoon at 3pm (Koha). made that up but you can imagine what it might be and, process. Taming egos, discarding slabs of convention if let me tell you, it’s awful. need be. Unlearning. If songwriting is the River Jesters’ Festival Club Nights will be held on Friday I can’t remember the last time I heard a rock band and thing they should get down to writing a song. If it doesn’t and Saturday at 10pm. Club Night on BAM it immediately had my full attention. That’s what need a guitar solo, don’t squeeze one in. Let it go. We Friday is’ Nocturne’, by Radio One’s Music rock ‘n’ roll is right? Immediacy! POW! That direct address! need more good songs, not parading exhibitionists. It’s Director Erin Broughton. WHAM! I don’t want something to plead for my interest, glaringly obvious that the River Jesters are seeking the On Saturday electronica band Synthesize like a toddler having a tantrum; there’s plenty of that to attention of mainstream audiences and if they want to Me, will be delivering a sensory path of Issue 03 | Mar 2017 go around, like this album. make a little money, that’s fine too. But they need to sequence, beats, samples, decks, wave, The River Jesters are a local band and, for the most write some coherent lyrics. It really wouldn’t hurt their and apparitions. Dancing shoes optional, part, I support local music. In return I want that band to prospects, neither would a name change. So please, the but recommended ($5). offer something back, something that they can call their River Jesters and all those with similar musical inclina- own. But to create something new the mimetic process tions, give something back to rock ‘n’ roll. You’ve taken E There are heaps more events we has got stop, unless you’re a cover band, then you need heaps away. You owe it. didn’t list here, check them out at dunedinfringe.nz 36 Culture

GAMES

Final Fantasy XV

Review by Chris Lam

Xbox One Developed by: Square Enix Business Division 2

Published by: Square Enix For thirteen hours, I have watched four camaraderie. “We’ll play it together,” I most profound embodiment of the human cosmopolitan titans of men slide through said, “it’ll be awful.” What I received, condition since Neon Genesis Evangelion. the air like greasy hamburgers. Ignis however, was truly profound. On the Sentences are forced, scattered and un- clicks his gloved fingers and a meal of surface the game is as predicted. The focused. Lines repeat over and over again bacon and eggs materialises. He sits si- characters crack awful jokes, bond over during battles and car rides. Prompto lently as Noctis picks at it with a fork. their hobbies and fist-bump after suc- hands you photos of Gladiolus’s ass after Prompto proceeds to writhe on the cessful fights. Broody-Chan grunts dramatic story events. Interactions begin ground. In the morning, Gladiolus screams strangely when he interacts with people; to merge into one long, terrible cry of “You’re on fire, today” three times in a row Macho-Chan yells at Broody-Chan to despair. One begins to see the awkward- to nobody in particular, before stepping punch harder; Library-Chan is Wikipedia ness as intentional. It is an imitation of awkwardly close to Noctis. Noctis turns in its pubescent anal-retentive stage; and connection, of masculine revelry, of his head away, but the tension only grows. Kooky-Chan talks about getting with purposeless horror. The characters don’t There is an existential terror that can- some of those women things. I initially want masculinity, but they have pretend- not be escaped in Final Fantasy XV. After felt nauseated, awash in a sea where ed for so long that they can’t connect in thirteen hours, I have come to realise that the only way out was to drown, but then any other way anymore. The very artifice the banal foreign-invasion-as-analo- I began to see a depth to their of their relationship is the only genuine gy-for-puberty narrative is simply a shallow interactions. thing in existence. They are a mod- backdrop. The characters have the emo- The deepest and most harrowing hol- ern-day Sisyphus; eternally rolling their tive capacities of lemons. They lack all low of Final Fantasy XV is its unfettered totally sick rims up highways, only to be definition, formed into shape by a masculinity. Let’s be honest, masculine towed back to Cid’s when they eventually narrative Deus that has granted sexy bonding sublimates the erotic into the run out of fuel. haircuts and coats in place of souls; they higher arts of driving cars, hunting ani- This lurid celebration of masculinity is are a hollow exterior surrounding a mals and devouring flesh. These acts are uncanny and frightening. Bodies twist hollower core. a substitute for a pleasure that is denied into erotic postures; weaponised phallus- Final Fantasy XV is, at its core, a road- by existence itself. To exist like this is to es slam down on flesh under the heaving trip simulator. You drive along highways, be divorced from others and limited in sun. The protagonists sneak sultry peeks stop at gas stations, explore nature, hunt expression by one’s own imperfect lan- at one another. One of them screams “No animals and camp beneath the stars. Of guage. One can never fully understand mercy!” at the thought of his own painful course, these bonding activities do not the Other. Loneliness, then, is a condition existence. He yells it again ten minutes connect one with nature, but with one’s none can escape. Rather than rebel later. Nobody comments. There is no need. onii-chan buddies. There is no ecosystem against this absurdity, masculinity cas- Hell is known, but cannot be voiced. If the in the world precisely because the ani- trates thought and emotion entirely, eroticism underlying their masculine mals are simply toys for the manchildren. until only action is desirable. One reaches bond were ever unleashed, despair would All seems to fade in the wake of the in- not for an idealised Other, but for froth over and consume them. These sexy teractions of these awful characters. reaching itself. models are not allowed to overcome their The journey began when I forced my The characters in Final Fantasy XV impotent language through the sordid flatmates to purchase the game with me. know this all too well. Though they may pleasure of consummation, as it would Perhaps that was a projection of my own act like a businessman’s attempt to write be too real to be genuine. expectation of phony in-game teenage characters, in truth they are the Culture 37

FOOD

by Kirstin Garcia

What you need: Here’s how: Sweet & 500-800g pork tenderloin or sirloin 1 Cut meat into thin slices around 1 inch long and 0.8cm thick. Sour Pork 1 onion, thin sliced 1 carrot, thin sliced 2 In a medium bowl, whisk together the batter ingredients until 1 red pepper, thin sliced smooth, then soak pork pieces in batter, coating each piece. by Kirsten Garcia 1 can of pineapple chunks in juice Leave to sit while you make the sweet and sour sauce. (save the juice) 3 In a separate bowl, make the sauce by whisking all the sauce ingredients together until smooth. My SO repeatedly went out for takeaway Batter over the summer break when he was too 1 egg 4 In a large wok on low heat, heat oil and shallow fry pork, tired to cook from work. The ridiculous 1/2 cup Asian Cooking Wine placing pork in the oil one piece at a time, and frying them in Issue 03 | Mar 2017 thing is that every time he would get Pinch of Salt small batches, so that they don’t cook and stick together. Take exactly the same thing, from the same 8 tablespoons cornstarch pork pieces out of oil once the outside is golden and crisp. place: Sweet and Sour Pork. Seriously, the restaurant probably knows it’s him by 5 Once all the pork done, drain some oil from the wok, leaving his voice when he rings to place his order. Sweet & Sour Sauce enough to stir fry onion, carrot and pepper. Hoping to make him more self-suffi- Juice from can of pineapple cient, save him from heart disease from 3 tablespoons brown sugar 6 Once veggies are cooked, add sweet and sour sauce to the wok too much grease, and add more vegeta- 1 tablespoon white sugar (and, if desired, the pineapple chunks). Stir to thicken and bles to the meal, I made this recipe for 1 teaspoon of salt ensure there are no clumps of cornflour him. It’s really easy to make from scratch 3 tablespoons of tomato sauce and, for how much you make, it’s so much 4 tablespoons of vinegar 7 Once sauce has thickened, add fried pork pieces to coat them in cheaper than ordering out. 1 Tablespoons corn-starch sauce and to reach desired temperature.

8 Serve with rice. 38 Culture

ART 10 Quick Questions with

And which have you enjoyed the most? All of them! I like to be a creative generalist and pick up new skills as I go. Currently, I’m enjoying the challenge of making garments for the World of Wearable Art – making art that can be worn on the body is so hard, but so fulfilling. Flavia Rose is an emerging artist and creative raised in Dunedin and based in Wellington. She sat down with Critic’s Tell us about your favourite art project so far. Art Editor, Monique Hodgkinson, for ten quick questions I am most proud of the work I did on Ghost in about all things whimsical and lovely. the Shell while I was at Weta Workshop. The geisha masks I helped make are so beautiful and eerie at the same time. I’m really excited for the film to come out at the end of March!

What do you love the most about creating art? I think it’s a powerful thing to be able to create rather than just consume. It is such a great feeling to make something instead of buying it.

What artists or creatives do you look to for inspiration? Anyone who is better than me at anything. In my studies, I’d see who was the smartest or best in the class and then slowly sidle up to them and try to figure out what made them so good. I’ve always liked to surround myself with clever, creative people and quietly take notes on what makes them so special.

Your embroidered necklaces are super adorable. Where did you get the idea? Thank you! I stumbled across some tiny embroidery on Etsy one day and desperately wanted one, but couldn’t afford the exorbitant Describe your artistic style in three words. shipping costs to New Zealand. So I taught Delicate, whimsical, curious. myself how to make them instead.

What different mediums have you worked in Have you found much of a difference between so far? the art scenes in Dunedin and Wellington? I started out in photography and I think Wellington’s art scene is much more cinematography while working at Dunedin’s hyped than Dunedin’s, yet Dunedin’s creative local news studio in high school, and learnt people have a wealth of knowledge that makes cane sculpture while volunteering at the it a fantastic place to learn. However, I’ve found Dunedin Midwinter Carnival. During university that Wellington has more opportunities to I dabbled in theatre, film, animation, jewellery, actually earn. 3D printing, wearable art and wearable technology. My first job out of university was as Do you have any advice for young’uns starting a model maker for Weta Workshops. Now, I work out in a creative career? as an animation tutor and graphic designer and If you’re freelancing or working for yourself, make embroidery in my free time. give your creative life structure by establishing

Culture 39

Clockwise from far left: Still of costuming & props from Ghost in the Shell film (2017), Necklace & brooch hand-embroidered over an afternoon, in- spired by Japanese cherry blossoms, ‘Garden of Love’ a hand- stitched hoop embroidery that took over a month of evenings to stitch, ‘Ester’ Wearable Technology Garment Winner of the World of Wearable Arts People’s Choice Award, & the Visual Effects Society Award for Creativity in Media Design. Issue 03 | Mar 2017 a routine to make the most of your time and energy. Enthusiasm and adaptability will take you far. Only work for free if it’s something you truly believe in.

What do you see yourself doing sixteen years from now? Getting paid to make really cool stuff!

You can check out more of Flavia’s work at cargocollective.com/flaviarose or @flavi_rose on Instagram. She also takes custom embroidery orders at [email protected]. 40 Culture Letters

IMPROV THEATRE

I don’t understand how Improv theatre works, how can Have something you show up to perform a show where noone knows what’s going to happen? Somehow Improsaurus knows you need to get off how it works. And they can pull it off. They kicked off the first show of 2017 last Friday. What a SPOOkY start your chest? Think to the year, not a single dry seat in the house with the totally dark Stranger Things themed performance. Things we done messed certainly got strange... up? Let us know, That momenet last week on write to: [email protected]

TELL ME ABOUT THIS “WHEEL” YOU SPEAK OF

I am pleased to see the library has fully embraced the luddite movement. No more dangerously fast browsers with devil- ishly accurate search engines for us; only the sweet archaic bliss of Internet Explorer and the delightfully mandatory Bing. I look forward with great anticipation to the li- brary’s future campaigns against stone tools, the printing press, and the wheel.

Wiliiam Horsfall

CLASSIFIED INFORMATION You’re a failed math teacher who has resereccted Where... Dear Critic, the dead and found your vampire bride, only she can’t I am getting pretty fucking sick of your bullshit. When are you going to stop with the innocent act really get over Jeremy who she like totally broke up with and declassify the files relating to Area 51? like last week...Luckily, a 1950s cookbook solves all I know that you were first on the scene in 1947 and I know that you were hushed into silence by the US government. But it’s time, Critic. It’s time Next performance is Austen themed! you alerted the public to what you learned on that fateful night. Quit being such a stack of yellow-bel- lied pancakes and pony up the dossiers. I know you Catch you there, Friday 31 March at 10:30pm at have them. the Fortune Theatre Sincerely, A vigilant citizen.

Issue 03 | Mar 2017 41 - - Letters $30 BOOK VOUCHER VOUCHER $30 BOOK LETTER OF THE WEEK THE OF LETTER The letter of the week wins a a wins week the of letter The From the University Book Shop the University From MEMES COULD BE THE NEW NEW THE BE COULD MEMES PICKETS that boredom has been morphed into a a into has been morphed boredom that As political the system. with dissatisfaction Hunter the outside 15 protesters one ofthose the of organiser an and week last Centre have I too semester, last protests divestment of past. the activism radical the for nostalgia certain a To chamber? echo an in I am But - gen our I think again then But yes. extent but and is still interested, still cares eration example, For ways. different in it expresses these are they value face at memes; take our around running jokes prolific pointless, 'big the call some what of part newsfeeds, memes However, internet. of the distraction' commentary social of layers have always for a mechanism is often Humour and irony. to uncomfortable are things that expressing this internet-age, the of context the In say. articu our generation which by is one way opinions. is their But a meme about lates make to enough be to going Joyce Steven change is that mean systematic satisfactory the Perhaps not. probably Nah, us? to ingful the get is back to question not do 'how we - move those merge we do how 90s?'. But can How in? are we context the with ments is that the double-edged the use sword we our shape future? proactively to internet, Palmer Claudia I agree that our generation is disillusioned, our that generation I agree more a bit it's I think disinterestedw but our age definitely that. than People complex Hobbes, way the politics about think don't politics of think to I used did. Hume and Locke on comes that segment news as boring the - antici in only I'd watch that 6.27pm about Today channels Friends. to switch to pation - Content related to bridles, saddles, or grooming orsaddles, grooming bridles, to related Content CRITC: START HORSING AROUND HORSING START CRITC: COOKIN’ UP NOTHIN’ UP COOKIN’ ARCH WHICH WAY? WHICH ARCH sociated with the upper classes, modern audiences audiences modern upper the classes, with sociated are Horses form. art the towards biased totally are too. people poor for acceptable. be also would Sincerely, Rich. You’re Mean Doesn’t Horses Owning Hi, or of dressage or articles photos some like Iwould particularly activities, horse-related other enthu a horse As Critic. in appear to show-horses, the into long been shoved have interests my siast, had one equestrian only school of media.fringes My and dressage, for society a separate club, not even Just estate. school the from banned were horses - as been historically has equestrianism because Dear Critic, Dear been I’ve Date? Blind the on go to get I do How replied never you’ve and years 3 for you emailing am I me? against something have you Do me. to fault. your all it’s and single still man -Lonely Can anyone explain the design of Archway lecture lecture explain of Archway design the anyone Can me? how and to is no It matter fucking ugly theatre know I never space, in oriented keep to I try hard - the identical four is It it. I leave when I am where outside leading 8 doors with shape in a cross atres and I always of ground patches boring identical to I before once least at it round right walk to have What a direction. in right the walking find myself of time. waste -Cross - - Don Brash and his old white (mostly) male friends friends male (mostly) white old his and Brash Don ODOUR NOT KNOW NOT ODOUR KEEP THE PANDA OUT OF IT OF OUT PANDA THE KEEP UNIVERSITY RENOVATIONS UNIVERSITY -Breathy nered by a tall guy at a bar and he was breathing breathing was he and a bar at guy a tall by nered smelt. ever I’ve breath worst the with me over all a like face my hitting it feel I could and hot was It a horrible with up i woke day next The heater. blow my in got breath his I swear and throat my in taste fucked. It’s breath. his I have now and mouth Can you catch bad breath off someone? I got off someone? cor bad breath catch you Can Dear Critic, Dear Yours, compassion with boy White side ethnic minorities… Saying you “don’t being you like side Saying ethnic minorities… and King quoting Martin Dr Luther racist” called not racist. are you does not mean Don, head over to the USA, UK or France and enjoy enjoy and France or UK USA, the to over head Don, ignore simply just can’t You privilege. white your along field an equal playing and have then history are behind this Hobson’s Pledge bullshit, and it’s it’s and bullshit, Pledge Hobson’s this behind are noticed become to attempt just a desperate clearly society, racist an increasingly want again. If you including, favourable treatment based on imagined on imagined based treatment including, favourable representation Maori and separate principles treaty local. or centrally either government, in funniest fucking joke on earth. It was from the the from was It earth. on joke fucking funniest six off listed and movement, Pledge’ ‘Hobson’s sick promoting, of ‘radical’s are things group the An advert in The Star from the 2nd March caught caught March 2nd the from Star The in advert An Pandering” More “No titled, was It week. last eye my the at if as above lips it’s licking a panda had and after I swear a solid 6 years of renovations. I’ve been been I’ve renovations. of years 6 a solid swear I after campus the seen never long and that have studying and bulldozers. areas of cordoned-off free What a relief. I can’t believe I finally get to walk through campus campus through walk to get I finally believe I can’t 42 Columns

POSTGRAD communities. To be honest, when I came to Otago The kaupapa of Whānau Fit is to get people active as a PE fresher, I did not think for one second that as a collective under the Māori Worldview, using I would make it through to doing a masters. as much Te Reo as we can. It opens up a space for However, that ‘C’s get degrees’ attitude goes away people of all ages, to revitalise our language and pretty quickly once you find something you love. culture and have fun being active amongst friends. Prior to taking up the challenge, I was told that All in all, it’s basically the space that got me through it was hard. And yes, yes it was hard, I even cried my final semester of assignments, exams and sometimes. Assignment after assignment, client submitting my dissertation. after client, just to turn around and realise that it Nō reira whānau, nau mai haere mai. Everyone was now June and I still hadn’t done ethics. After is welcome! When times get tough, there’s a family coming to the conclusion that it was time to quit, I here to help you get through, every Thursday at 12 was gifted with wise words from my supervisor o’clock. See you there! (supervisor of the year), who said, “It’s all part of the journey”. Ngā mihi, This resulted in a trip to find some hauora (the Terina Raureti gym and my Te Reo class), which is where I decided it was time to start walking the talk. Why not com- School of Physical Education, bine my three favourite things and have some fun? Sport and Exercise Whānau Fit Māori PE and Health, the gym and Te Reo Māori all mashed together to create Whānau Fit. Obviously, being my fifth year at uni, I only had three mates, For more information contact Kia Ora whānau! Ko Terina Raureti tōku ingoa, ko but they were all there ready to go on that first [email protected] Ngāti Raukawa tōku iwi, nō Otaki ahau. week (shout outs, you know who you are). But, I started my postgrad journey last year when I perks, this gave me a week to sort out what I was discovered my passion in Māori Physical Education doing. From there we started advertising and num- and Health and working within our Māori bers started to grow.

SCIENCE, BITCHES is that they do not contain an active substance that lighting an essential oil burner will not cure your demonstrably affects health. cold, but it could make you feel better anyway. But they can affect health. Placebos are effective Even more extraordinary, the placebo effect has The Placebo in a large enough percentage of people that doctors increased over time. As medicines have become routinely prescribe them to patients. more effective, people’s expectations have also Effect Placebos aren’t necessarily cheaper than ‘real’ increased. A sugar pill taken today may be far more medicine. This is because your brain is a snob that effective than one taken a hundred years ago. By Wee Doubt wants you to spend money on it to make it heal The placebo effect is an example of how freakin’ you. A sugar pill you are told costs 10c is not as weird our brains are. We all know that our brains effective as one you are told costs $5. Coloured, mess us around from time to time. It’s nice to know fancy looking placebo pills may be more effective you can sometimes trick your brain into healing than dowdy little white ones. If you get a top-of- you with something that should have no effect on the-range $25 placebo injection of saline solution, your health. hot dang, your body will get onto that healing shit right away. An explanation for why placebos work could be that, if you are sick or hurt, it takes a lot of energy to get better or heal. Taking a placebo could trick your brain into thinking your body is getting help with the healing process when it is not, so that it will put extra effort into healing, believing it is receiving energy from an outside source. The immune system is affected by stress. If you are taking something that makes you feel like you’re doing something to help yourself, thus reducing A placebo is anything that seems to be a “real” stress, your immune system can be boosted as medical treatment, but isn’t. It could be a pill, a shot, a response. a spell, a potion; anything a person is told will make It gets weirder; the placebo effect can work even them feel better. What all placebos have in common if you know it is a placebo. You may know that Issue 03 | Mar 2017 43 - - - - Columns Obviously there are many factors at work incen at work factors many are there Obviously don’t fees high say to not is this all course, Of negatively impact those with less financially stable stable financially less with impact those negatively are you when life isn’t Student easy backgrounds. and studying with time balance part work to trying noto USA, the in example, For life. social a having the education, college for price steep the for rious be to needs 60%. University at sits rate graduation to isn’t cheap University not free. perhaps affordable, thousands investing and government the provide, complet into not willing put effort to students into be wasteful. simply would ing course their tertiary education at no cost to the student including student the to at no cost education tertiary While and Argentina. Sweden, Germany, Denmark, rate, graduation average has an above Denmark all below are and Argentina Sweden Germany, graduation has worst the In fact, Argentina average. and Germany 2013. in 27% only at world, the in rate still rate, a 50% to graduation closer have Sweden New countries. OECD for 70% of average the below neigh our behind still 74%, about at stands Zealand 81%. with Australia in bours off, or slack but study either to students tivising don’t students when observed: be can thing one is failure in a education, financial their stake have in student an an to option. international I talked at Otago; tuition fees here programme dentistry the words, his $80,000. In of north just were him for fail”. “I can’t Taste Rating: Pretty Yum/10 Yum/10 Pretty Rating: Taste Minimal Level: Froth Time: 22 Seconds 1 Minute undertones, Woody Notes: Tasting palate on the smoky finish, sits heavy with hints of citrus. Diesel with a Mostly Contents: Vomit chips. corn few Litre, 91 $2.08/ Unleaded Price: $1.36 Diesel Litre 95 $2.15/ Unleaded - - - Overall it was a terrible experience and I hated I hated and experience a terrible was it Overall It started like a First Year Health Sci student trying trying student Sci Health Year a First like started It up given have would person respecting self Any 17th-year in Bontany/ Student Otago Tourism/Music/Psychology/Theology Studies graduation rates pre-reform. However, there are are there However, pre-reform. rates graduation provide able been to have that countries some international students pay full tuition. Historical full tuition. Historical pay students international compare to able fully aren’t we so limited, is data force itself down my throat. About two thirds of the the of thirds two About throat. my down itself force in, was which kicked adrenaline the through way drops. finishing few to off last the essential moment of it, but I had fun and rec every I would it. try to wants who anyone to it ommend titude of self destruction. The glass in question was in was question glass The destruction. titude ofself as was it ensure to prior day the 12pm at poured as flat as and lecture a full 4 in Archway as warm personality. Kardashian’s Kim just but ambition, and hope of – full Med into get to deteriorated it quickly freshers, unfortunate the like de of experience wounding and a punishing into and it and pain. middle The got slower pression minute sub-1 of target The on. drag to continued out question. of the and truly well was My all. at myself respect I don’t luckily but now, by palms my weak, were knees my heavy, was heart al- sweater my on vomit was There sweaty. were so opportunity, one shot, one had I only But ready. to continued nectar sticky on.I sweet pushed The something more. So, out of pure love for the loyal loyal the for love pure of out So, more. something Yardie, a full for Diesel opted we of Critic readers Dunedin at North the epitomises that something DRINKING Currently, New Zealand citizens and permanent and permanent citizens Zealand New Currently, But during one ECON112 lecture last semester Mr Mr semester last lecture ECON112 one during But A standard 21st Birthday calls for a full Yard Glass, Glass, Yard a full for calls Birthday 21st A standard residents pay a subsidised tuition while tuition while a subsidised pay residents close to free. Mr Kerr asserted free education meant meant education free asserted Mr Kerr free. to close time and was of failing classes cost only the that try. to incentive no monetary was there Terry Kerr declared quite the opposite: “university “university opposite: the quite declared Kerr Terry chap one of story the cited He free”. be shouldn’t graduating, at without Otago six spent years who was Zealand in New education tertiary back when human right, something that should be universally be should that universally human something right, be might it Sure, it. seeking those all to accessible in educating but investing on taxpayer, the a drag out of of Trump likes the a keeps population helps competitive. andoffice economy the This is a controversial statement to make at a a at make to statement a controversial is This as a education a long time I For saw university. by Danni Pintacasi Danni by by Swilliam Shakesbeer Swilliam by ECONOMICS EVERYWHERE ECONOMICS Be Free Be Free Shouldn’t Shouldn’t College College but a 21st on the Saturday of O Week deserves deserves O Week of Saturday the on a 21st but tried, but contrary to popular belief you cannot run cannotrun popular to belief you but contrary tried, a on it. truck Whoever invented it has done more damage to New New damage to it has done more invented Whoever and Earthquake Christchurch than the Zealand - coin no It’s combined. career musical Key’s Max is It “Die”. spell letters three first the that cidence have Many Dotcom. Kim of equivalent alcohol the Diesel is a foul, horrific, gross, horrendous, revolting, revolting, horrendous, is gross, a foul, horrific, Diesel the to offense putrid blasphemous, nasty, evil, righteousness. moral of sense all and senses Glass Diesel Yard Diesel Yard 44 Columns

ETHEL & HYDE

Ethel says Hyde says What a conundrum! There is a way around this. You Time to bring those fuckers down. Important sup- rightly seem to be aware that abandoning your flat plies to have ready for the next party are: a mask, Stuck with flatties! or stopping paying rent is not an option legally. You a plastic full-body suit (rubbish bags will do) and can tell the flat-mates that you want to move and a big bottle of olive oil. Late afternoon of party night, I’m a second-year student and it’s my first are looking for someone to take over your lease, eat as much as possible and drink at least two litres time flatting. I’m flatting with people from my they might help you and could know someone keen of red juice. When guests start arriving, go into your hall from first-year but I actually fucking hate to move in already. You can advertise your room room, with at least one flatty as witness. Once you their guts. They have parties at my house and on easyroommates.co.nz, trademe, or the Otago hear the party is in full swing, climb out the window don’t invite me. I’ve signed a full-year lease. Flatting Goods Facebook group if word of mouth in your plastic coverall and mask, with the oil in a does not work. You must be selective and have the wine bottle. Enter through the front door making agreement of both the flat-mates and the landlord, your way to the hub of the party and neck the bottle who must be reasonable. They cannot say no to of oil in record time. Before long projectile puking everyone to make things difficult for you. Once will begin, make sure to spin a 360 to get the max- you’ve found someone, get your name signed off imum coverage of guests. This will create a chain Disclaimer: Student Support ad- the lease and the new name on, fill in a Bond vomiting session, leading to a mass exodus. Ditch vises you to take Ethel’s advice. Transfer Form to transfer your bond to them (the your suit a block away, climb back in your window, landlord must sign this too). The newbie just pays and relish the thought of your flat-mates cleaning Send your questions to: you the money directly. Good luck, I hope you can up after their party. find someone soon! [email protected]

VITALOGY mucus disease dependant upon some Take saltpetre, dissolve it in water, hereditary taint or condition of the and wet a piece of brown paper in this mucus system. solution. Let the paper dry, and then Asthma is caused by irritation of wet it with origanum oil. Cut the the nerves of respiration, resulting, in paper into long strips. When you feel a most cases, in deranged digestion, fit of asthma coming on, burn a few of especially after late dinners and suppers. these strips, and hold them so that you Excessive exertion and mental emotion can inhale the smoke. Take long frequently bring on a paroxysm. breaths during this time. Even while Mountain air will bring it on in the fit is on, great relief will be some people. obtained in this way. Soak the feet in warm water, and Soak some blotting paper in the endeavor to to get up a perspiration by strong solution of it; dry it, take a drinking warm herb-tea. As soon as piece about the size of your hand, and you get your feet out of the bath, on going to bed, light it, and lay it wipe them dry, and put on good, upon a plate in your bedroom. By warm, woolen stockings, and commence doing so, persons, however badly walking around the room. afflicted with asthma, will be able to Smoking the leaves of the blue sleep almost as well as in health. gum, four or five times a day, has Beet-root juice in tablespoonful Asthma* proved an effective remedy in this doses is highly recommended by Asthma is a spasmodic disease, charac- disease, and performed some remark- European physicians, for asthma. terised by paroxysms of difficult able cures. breathing, with great wheezing, and a Another remedy, that has been used *This information was taken from dreadful sense of constriction across the with success and produced unexpected Vitalogy, a real medical book published chest; each paroxysm terminates by the cures in desperate cases, is the lemon. in 1923. This column is for entertainment expectoration of a more or less abun- The patient should eat two or three of only and should not be taken as advice dant of mucus. It is now considered a them daily. by anyone, ever. Columns 45

THE BUTTERFLY Room

By JESSICA Thompson

I was baby-sitting my little sister that afternoon and we “I think... did it just bite me?” decided to go to Discovery World. She loved the giant piano My sister moved forward to check the mark on my hand but got pretty bored with everything else so we paid to visit but when she did she screamed. Even though it was hap- the Butterfly room. There was no one inside. My sister ran pening right in front of me I couldn’t really understand what off to gawk at the glass boxes containing caterpillars and was going on. The pretty bugs began to crawl so quickly chrysalis while I wandered over the bridge and looked at over her skin, up her arms. Some seemed to be grating their the turtles in the pond. It was muggy and the sound of falling legs and mouths against her, drawing blood immediately, water and scratchy leaves filled my ears so that I couldn’t while others made straight for her head, hastily digging into hear a thing. her ears, scarping at her mouth, trying to get in, while she I was beginning to feel so relaxed when through the noise just screamed and danced about. I tried to bat them away I heard a shout. Whipping round I saw my sister standing but more flew in from the wet plants around us and soon stiff as a tree, arms out, balancing several butterflies, a few my sister was covered head to foot in butterflies, writhing on her head. I laughed and she smiled. “I’ve never seen so on the floor, blood pooling around her body. many on one person before!” I dragged her to the waterfall and while the water shooed They were lovely, blue and red wings, beating gently up most of them away, a few kept gnawing at her. She was still, and down. covered in pink and red bites like pin pricks, her face twitched “They tickle.” I walked over to her and tried to edge my because some of the bugs remained inside it. I stood beneath hand under one of the bugs, but quickly jumped back when the wall of water peering out, shaking. It was loud, but I I felt a sharp stab on my finger. swore I could hear the heavy beating of wings. “Ow!” “Whats wrong?” Issue 03 | Mar 2017 President’s Column

My name is James, the Colleges Officer from the OUSA Exec, and I’m looking after societies for an evening or just take a moment to grab some hot chocolate and Each week, we lure two singletons to The Captain Hugh’s column this week. For those of you who aren’t in a college anymore, take toast with your mates. You’re at University to study, sure, but that doesn’t mean Cook Hotel, give them food and drink, then wait for this as a chance to reminisce about the days of old - warm rooms, warmer food, you can’t have a good time while doing so. their reports to arrive in our inbox. If this sounds like hot chocolate, and that fiery inter-floor fling - when readings were actually read As Colleges Officer it’s my job to act as your voice on campus, help fight you, email [email protected]. But be warned--if you Cookin’ Up and everything seemed that little bit more fresh(er). your fights, and make sure you’re looked after. If you have any issues with the dine on the free food and dash without sending us a Dear College Students, University, your College, or even OUSA, please don’t hesitate to contact me – writeup, a Critic writer will write one under your name. First up, welcome to University. High school (or your Gap Year for the lucky nothing is too big or too small. You can flick me an email at [email protected]. And that won’t end well for you. Love few) is now behind you and it’s time to start the next chapter of your life. There nz or pop into the OUSA Main Office. are going to be some lows, hopefully more highs, and, by the end of it all, there’s You’ll probably see me around your College or Campus sometime in the not a chance in the world you’ll be the same person you are right now. Nothing coming weeks, so feel free to introduce yourself and say hi. Best of luck for the can and nothing will compare to your first year of University. year ahead – study hard, have a good time, & don’t forget to write home to mum. If you want some advice - remember perspective. Memorising that “gait Cheers, Ryan Emma cycle” for First Year Health Sci might seem like the most important thing in world at the time, but, the honest truth is, it’s not. Go on a random adventure to St Clair beach with your floor, check out one of the 150 or so OUSA affiliated clubs and James Heath - james@[email protected] When I got the email from Critic saying that I was selected for Two hours before my blind date I found myself fretting about the Blind Date, my heart started to race, but I didn’t hesitate; what I was going to wear and nervously sinking long whites. I emailed back saying that I was keen and free to do it. As Rocking up fashionably late, as is the tradition for these things, Eminem said: “You only get one shot and one opportunity,” I arrived to hear from the bartender that my date was already and as Alexander Hamilton said: “I am not going to throw waiting for me. Worried about the impeccably timed man, the away my shot”. Well, as you can imagine, I was super nervous bartender led me over to my booth, where I was surprised to about who I could meet, so to calm my nerves on my walk to a see well presented, older man. the Cook, I played and sung along to songs from Oscar Best My date couldn’t keep his eyes off me as I slipped into my Picture (for 8 seconds) La La Land. When I got there, I sat down seat. He did not have the looks I was seeking and nor did he in the booth and waited for what seemed like forever and I have the chat. One way conversation isn’t something I drive started to get worried as it was almost 7:30 and she hadn’t on, and we seemed to lack anything in common, expect our Join us in celebrating, turned up. I had my phone on silent and in my pocket as to meal choices - thanks to the Cook for the meal, it was bloody not have people messaging me distracting me. Then, as soon fantastic. Realising the yarns weren’t spinning as well as I raising awareness and as I thought that she had stood me up, this Gorgeous Women had hoped they would, the bartender hooked me up with a (who was a 10) stepped into the booth and sat down opposite few extra drinks to try make something of the night. Turns visibility of sex, sexuality me and I knew that the date had started. We got our first drink out that alcohol only improves your own chat - not the people and gender diversity on and started chatting about what we do, our likes and interests, who you have to talk to. The chat continued to struggle, but all the usual conversation topics. Our food turned up and I let luckily for me I got to polish off his plate for him (nervous fella campus this April! her steal some of my chips. I couldn’t help letting my mind lost his appetite). Brought to you by the OUSA Queer Support drift and I found myself wanting to ask for her number because Coordinator and UniQ - the 2017 Diversity week I started thinking that I really liked this girl and wanted to ask is looking bigger and better than ever. From her for a second date, but then my shyness hit everytime and I talked myself out of it. Then the time came for her to leave, swing dancing to beers and board games, SPACE as she wanted to get up early to go to the gym, and keep her workshops to the famous Queerest Tea party - gorgeous body in shape. In my mind I wanted to wrap her in make sure you have April 3rd to 7th locked into a hug and walk her to her flat and possibly end the date with your calendar! a kiss and maybe wake up in the morning beside her. But none of that happened. All that happened was a handshake and I was left sitting at the booth cursing my shyness and left with major regrets about not getting her number. But now I just have to hope that I see her again, a time in which I won’t be shy and actually ask her for her number. Cheers for the date Critic, I just wish I wasn’t a shy fool.

Congrats to Charlotte who won this weeks OUSA Commuique subscriber spot prize. A Present your 2017 Radio One card wee box of goodies to keep that fresher flu and get a coffee & bacon buttie for $10* *valid until 5pm away! Wanna be in it to win it?

Like us on Facebook to keep up to date with events and information feeding Dunedin students for 165 years 03-474-1935 | 354 Great King Street, North Dunedin facebook.com/TheCaptainCook All you have to do is sign up: http://bit.ly/2ey6P74 President’s Column

My name is James, the Colleges Officer from the OUSA Exec, and I’m looking after societies for an evening or just take a moment to grab some hot chocolate and Hugh’s column this week. For those of you who aren’t in a college anymore, take toast with your mates. You’re at University to study, sure, but that doesn’t mean this as a chance to reminisce about the days of old - warm rooms, warmer food, you can’t have a good time while doing so. hot chocolate, and that fiery inter-floor fling - when readings were actually read As Colleges Officer it’s my job to act as your voice on campus, help fight and everything seemed that little bit more fresh(er). your fights, and make sure you’re looked after. If you have any issues with the Dear College Students, University, your College, or even OUSA, please don’t hesitate to contact me – First up, welcome to University. High school (or your Gap Year for the lucky nothing is too big or too small. You can flick me an email at [email protected]. few) is now behind you and it’s time to start the next chapter of your life. There nz or pop into the OUSA Main Office. are going to be some lows, hopefully more highs, and, by the end of it all, there’s You’ll probably see me around your College or Campus sometime in the not a chance in the world you’ll be the same person you are right now. Nothing coming weeks, so feel free to introduce yourself and say hi. Best of luck for the can and nothing will compare to your first year of University. year ahead – study hard, have a good time, & don’t forget to write home to mum. If you want some advice - remember perspective. Memorising that “gait Cheers, cycle” for First Year Health Sci might seem like the most important thing in world at the time, but, the honest truth is, it’s not. Go on a random adventure to St Clair beach with your floor, check out one of the 150 or so OUSA affiliated clubs and James Heath - james@[email protected]

Join us in celebrating, raising awareness and visibility of sex, sexuality and gender diversity on campus this April! Brought to you by the OUSA Queer Support Coordinator and UniQ - the 2017 Diversity week is looking bigger and better than ever. From swing dancing to beers and board games, SPACE workshops to the famous Queerest Tea party - make sure you have April 3rd to 7th locked into your calendar!

Congrats to Charlotte who won this weeks OUSA Commuique subscriber spot prize. A wee box of goodies to keep that fresher flu away! Wanna be in it to win it?

All you have to do is sign up: http://bit.ly/2ey6P74 Years of experience. First in tutoring.

www.unitutor.co.nz