Pilot

Episode #lOl

Written by

Bonnie Turner & Terry Turner .-

Directed by

James Burrows

YBYLRoductions AS BROADCASI’ CBS shldio ceatu JANUARY 9.1994 4024 Radftmi Avs. (Rev. l/S/96) Studio City, CA 91604

COPYRIGm 1995. THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY. ALL RIGHTSRIGHT; RESERVED. THIS MATERIAL IS THE PROPERTY OF THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY AND IS INTENDED SOLELY FOR USE BY ITS PERSONNEt. REPRODUCI’ION BY, OR DISTRIBUTION TO UNAUTHORJZEDPERSONS IS PROHIBITED.

, 3rd Rock From the Sun

“Brains and Eggs”

Episode #lo1

Written by

Bonnie Turner 6% Terry Turner

Directed by

James Burrows

YBYL Pmductions AS BROADCAST CBS studio center JANUARY 9,1996 4024 Radford Ave. (Rev. l/5/96) Studio City, CA 9 1604

COPYRIGHT 1995. THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. THI!3 MATEFUAL IS THE PROPERTY OF THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY AND IS INTJZNDED SOLELY FOR USE BY lTS PERSONNEL,. REPRODUCI’ION BY, OR DISTRIBUTION TO UNAUTHORIZED PERSONS IS PROHIBITED. 3Ro ROCK FROM THE SUN #lOl "5rains and Eggs* Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/S/96) C&D

THE CAMERA PASSES THE MOON AND SEES THE EARTH. SLOWLY THE CAMERA MOVES IN TOWARD THE EARTH.

ifar (V.O.), Harry, Dick, Sally, Tomy, Kissing Woman, Kissing Man)

PAN DOW FROM STARFIELD.

WE HEAR GARY, THP: RADIO DJ.

GARY (V.O.)

Alright, we're still taking

calls on those UFO sightings.

~'rn on the line with Janaifu,

who claims to have actually a

aliens.

JENNIFER (V.O.)

Gary, I have been sycked up by

alien space craft many times... GARY (V.O.)

Uh-oh. JENNIFER (V-0.)

...and I can tell you, they are

among us. GARY (V.O.)

Really? Now, what do YOU

suppose they want? 3m ROCK PROM THE SUN #lOl "Brains and Eggs' 2. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/5/96) COLD JENNIFER (V.0.) well, they want my eggs.

GARY (V.0.)

-. &-huh. JENNIFER (V.0.)

To start their own alien race.

s TQ: FOUR ALIENS, m, w, HARRy AND N SITTING IN A RAMBLER.

GARY W.0.)

Whoa. Thanks for calling.

Hello, you're on the air.

TODD (V.0.)

Yeah, I saw four aliens in a

cu. uh... I think it w a .- Rambler. GARY (V.O.)

Whoa. Stylish. DICX

Everyone fully formed?

mm. Yep. DICX

Bvuyone got ten fingers and

eleven toes?

Chock. 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN #lOL 'Brains and Eggs* 3. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/S/96) COLD

DICK

Good. I guess we're in.

Everyone comfortable?

-. HARRY Urn. I have three holes in my

face.

DICK

Can anyone get your head to swivel

to the rear? SALLY

No. DICK

Then how are you supposed to

lick your back? TomY

mybe you do what they're doing.

TO= INDICATES THE COUPLE MAKING Olfi. DICX

Look. Life forms. And they're

cleaning each other.

(TCXXHEDBYSCENB) Awwwuw. SALLY

Look at us. f can'tbelievewe

look like them.

THEY LAUGH. (MORE) 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN #lo1 'Etains and eggs* Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 4. (Rev. l/5/96) COLD SALLY (CONT'D) IS anybody else sweating under

their breasts?

DICK AN'Q,HAkRY CHECK THEMSELVES.

DICK

No. In fact, I don't have any.

HARRY

I have tiny ones.

DICK

Quick, look! That woman is gonna drive with her feet! THE NECXERS SIT UP. THE WOMAN SHOUTS AT m.

WONAN ..

Don't you people have a home?

DICX

Uh, no, we don't. But thank you

for the idea. (SMuGLYToT?IB

GROUP) See? She called us

peopla.

DICX STARTS THH CAR. SALLY TURNS ON THE RADIO.

(MORE) 3RD ROCK FROW THE SLN a:(31 'SraLns and Eggs= Pilot - AS 3ROADCAST l/9/96 3. (Rev. l/5/96) COLD DICK (CONT'D) Listen. It's that signal they

keep sending into space.

OFF

DICK DRIVES OFF. CAMERAPBA TO THE STARS. AND ON THIS, WE;

Em TO..

VT: EARTH SPINNING.

DICK W.0.)

Our home for this mission is earth, a third-rate planet. I

got a teaching job at a third-

rate university. Now we're

looking at a third floor apartment. 3P.D ROCK FROM THE SUN #101 'Brains and Eggs’ 6. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/5/96) I/A

N CpBy 2) (Dick, Harty, Sally, Tonmy, ~rs. Dubcek) MRS., THE LANDLADY, AN ATTRACTIVE OLDER WOMAN, ENTERS WITH DICK, HARRY, SALLY AND TO-. HARRY HAULS A LARGE EQUIPMENT TRUNK.

DUBCEK

Come in, come on in. It's the

attic, so it's kind of small.

But it's furnished. DICK

We love it!

HARRY

yeah, it's so much bigger than a car !

Yep. We'll take it.

DUBCEK

You know, this used to be the

-us room back in the sixties.

This carpet has seen more butts thaa Santa Claus's lap.

HARRYTAG3ALOEU4WITHMRS.DUBCElt.HEBRUSKEs AGAINST HER SWEATER. 3m ROCK FROM THE SUN blO1 "Brains and Eggs' Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. 115196) 7. I/A HARRY

Ew, what is this stuff?

DUBCEK

-. This sweater? It's angora. HARRY

Well, it's wonderful. I've never seen anything like it.

0000000. DICK, SALLY, TOMY AND HARRY FEEL THE SWEATER.

DUBCEK I like the color...

HARRY PUTS HIS CHEEK AGAINST HER SLEEVE. HARRY Well, it's very nice. -

DUBCBR You're not from around here, are

you?

THEY REACT IN PANIC TO H&R STAT-. DICR GRABS HER IMMEDIATELYANDHUSTLBSHEROUT..

DICK ~011, Elrs. Dubcek, I could stand

hue and chew your fat all day, but time has no manners. Bye

now. DICIC CLOSES THE DOOR.

(MORE) 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUX a131 'Brains and Eggs* 8. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/S/96) I/A DICK (CONT'D)

Sally, I want you to observe her. Find out what women on this

-. planet do.

SALLY Why can't Harry do it? DICK Because you're the WOW.

SALLY That brings up a very good

question. my am I the woman? DICX Because you lost.

MARRY eJTERS FROM THE KITCHEN.

HARRY

Dick, I can't see through my eye

lids!

SALLY

Open them.

HARRY

Oh. They're manual.

DIQ SXAKBS HIS HEAD IN FRUSTRATION. 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN 1)lOl 'Erains and Eggs’ 9. ?ilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/S/96) I/B

Pm - AFTrm00~ cp~y 3~ (Dick Tow, Nina; Dr. Albright)

Oh good. You're here. Did you

copy the main frame in the

library?

TOMm uh. I got a little... distracted.

DICX Again? what happened3

Well, I was watching theso women playing volleyball. And they

were all jumping up and down, up

and.down, in theso little

shorts. sonm of them can't jump

as high as the others. But it's okay... I mean, it's more than okay. It's raally okay.

DICK

What is wrong with you? 3XD ROCK FRCM THE Sl.2~alO1 'Brains and Eggs- Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 10. (Rev. l/5/96) f/B TOMMY I don't know.

DICK

-. 'Well, we can't leave without

that inforr.ation. So, accas8 the main frame, enter the net,

down load, and then go straight

homa as soon as you've finishd.

TOM Why are you talking to IIY like I'm a child? DICX

You are a child.

TOMMY

I'm oldu than you!

DICK

Well, now I'm bigger. And on

this planet, sit0 mattur.

m ENTERS WITH DICK'S MAIL AND PAPKR.

NSNA

Good morning, Dr. Solomon. DICK

Hi, Nina.

NINA

Hue’s your mail.

TOMm LEERS AT NINA AS SHE SORTS THE MAIL. SHE THROWS SOME LETTERS OUT, KEEPS OTHERS. (MORE) 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN #lo1 'Brains and Eggs' Pilot - AS BROADCAST I/9/96 11. (Rev. l/5/96) I/B NINA (CONT'D) This is nothing... nothing...

this is something, but there’s

-. ,nothin'-you can do about it.

This is an invitation to a party

at the Deans' house... this is

nothing... (TO TOMMY) And if you don't stop starin' at whatever it is you're watchin' you're go- loso somethin'.

DICK

Tommy is just on his way to the

library. Aren’t you, T-3

Tom -

Uh, yeah, I am now. 1havmto

go look up the word 'throb:

TOMme DICK -

Ho's older than ho looks.

NINA

wdl, I have to file 800~ things for you. NI#A CROSS To TMB CONSOLE. DICX SNIFFS THE AIR. DICX

(SNIFFS) What is that? (BIG SNIFF) It's you. You sllmllso

nice. 3W ROCK FROM THE SUN rlO1 '"m~s an;,;zys- 12. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 I/B NINA

Thanks, I try.

AS N= STRAIGHTENS PAPERS ON THE CONSOLE, DfCK SNIFFS HER BACK, HARD. -. NINA (CONT'D)

That had better be your nosa.

HE 'DEPOSITS' THE SNIFF IN A VILE.

NINA (CONT'D)

Is your wife out of town? DICK

uh.. . Mrs. Solomon is no longor

with us. She... uh burned up on

m-entry.. .

NINA NODS SARCASTICALLY. - NINA

Ah, I had a boyfriend who used

to bum up on ra-entry. Ha

walks with a lirppnow.

ENTER DR., AN A-I’VE WOMAN, FORTIES. SHE IS QUICK, FRImlDLY, FORmL. SHB CROSSES TO HER DESK. NINA (COWF'D)

oood morning, Dr. Albright.

ALBRIGHT

Good morning, Nina.

DICK

Good Morning, Dr. Albright.

DICK SMILES CHEERFULLY. SHE REGARDS HIM COLDLY. 3RD ROCK FROM TXE SUN #131 'Brains and Eggs* Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 13. (Rev. l/5/96) T/B ALBRIGHT Nina, would you tell Dr. Solomon

he parked in my space? Again.

NINA

You parked in her space.

DICK

Yes, I know. It was anpty.

ALBRIG?iT

would you tell him I'm going to have him towed?

DICK

Tell her I already have all the toes I need. I am fully formd.

ALBRIGHT

That's my parking~spaco. I had

to park a mile away.

DICK

Oh, so you have a car? ALBRIGHT

Uh, Nina, go to the ch- lab,

2011 than I sent you, get a pim bomb, put it in Dr. Sol-n's

Car0 and blow it up.

blmLmus* (MORE) ~RD ROCK FRGM THE SUN YlOl "Brains and Eggs' Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/S/96)

ALBRIGHT (CONT'D) For future reference, I have a

red Volvo.

-. DICK

Please. Dr. Albright, we barely know each other.

ALBRIG?!T

Dr. Solomon, we should get . along. I'm very intelligent. You have an inrpressive resume.

DICK I am the high comander. ALBRIGHT

I must admit, when I first met you I wad attracted to your flmboyantnaturo andbighead. DICK Thanks, because I almost went

with a smaller one ALBRIGEPT

EVA though I am drawn to

goxaius # this is a -11 office

aad you are behaving lib a big hoso monkey. 3Rc ROCK FROM THE SW #lOl 'Brains and Eggs* Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 1s. (Rev. l/S/96) I/B DICK You're not so bad yourself...

woffmn.

-. ALBRIGHT Knock it off.

DR. ALBRIGHT SEES HER THESIS ON THE EDGE OF HER DESK. SHE PICKS IT (Jp.

JUBRIGHT (CONT'D)

What is my thesis doing out of my desk? DICK

Oh, I took it out. ALBRIGHT

MY desk was locked.

DICX which made it very difficult to

open. You might want to maka a

note of that. ALBRIo)F1

You read it. DICK

Read it3 I m8morizod it. ALBRIGHT

(FAUX M0DESTY) Well, it's just a few thoughts. ~-- __~ 33.D ROCK FROM THE SUN blO1 ‘Brains ad Eggs- Pilot - AS aK%DCAST l/9/96 i6 (Rev. l/S/96) 1/B DICK

A few brilliant thoughts.

ALBRIGHT

-. Ah, really? Well, that's quite a compliment coming from

someone with your credentials.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

DICK Enjoyed it? It's the funniest thing I've ever read. Y-theory on man snd the 'animal within'- it - it's hilarious. Nina said you had no sense of humor, sho is so

wrong. Thm conclusions you draw are laugh-out-loudfunny. (IAWHS) ALBRIGHT I 8.0. Dr. Solomon, you have

crossed a line. Y&l have‘ belittled my work. (TWQd NOWAL) And you hurt my

fmliqp. I don’t like you. DIQt Is AfJDIBLYSHOCKED AT THIS ~~ELJc~ION- DICX I don’t understand.

SHE- GATHERS A FEW BOOKS TO L=V’B. 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN tlO1 'Brains and Eggs* Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 17. (Rev. l/S/96) I/B ALBRIGXT

Of course you don't, you're a

man!

DICK

Hah! That's where you're wrong!

AND ON THIS, WE; 3RD ROCK FROM THE S'VN #lSl 'Brains and Eggs' Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 18. (Rev. l/S/96) I/C

HARRY Al& MRS. DUBCEK WATCH SALLY WHO IS STANDING IN A DIRTY APRON, SLEEVES ROLLED UP, HANDS KNEADING IN A LARGEMIXING BOWL.

HARRY Okay. So, meatloaf is breadcrumbs, spices and ground beef? MRS. DUBCEK That’s it. HARRY And ground beef is essentially

nothing more than a cow? MRS.DtJBCER Yeah.

HARRY Well, doesn't it scream whea

they stuff it in thm grindor? MRS. DUBCEK Oh, no. That suckor's been dead

for hours.

SALLY YANXS HRR MEAT-RIDDm HANDS OUT OP THZ =. ??.D ROCK FRCM THE SUN lb101 'Brains and Eggs' 19 Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/S/96) I/C SALLY

I have dead cow on my hands? (LIKE

SHE IS ONFIRE) Ahhhh! Ahhh! Get

-. 'it off me! Ahhhhhhhhh! SALLY RUNS SCREAMING TO THE BA'IWROOM.

HARRY

Women, you can't live with them,

and yet, they're evuywhere.

AND ON THIS, WE; 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN #lOl 'Brains and Eggs- Pilot - AS BROADCAST 1,'9/96 20. (Rev. l/S/96) I/D

A CLASS-OF COLLEGE STUDENTS WATCH BUNKLY AS DICK POINTS AT THE BOARD. ON THE BOARD IS THE "REDUCTIO AD ABSURDUM' FORMULA.

DICK

...so lPa itself is always even,

and we can write lP aqua18 2 Sg where 'S' is som other integer.

Substituting *Pm wa find ‘P to tha 2nd power equals 2 S to tha 2nd

power equals 4 S to thm 2nd power

squals 2 Q to the 2nd power..: aad

wo find... who can tell um?

Anyon@? (PAUSE) Okay, I'm getting

ahead of svazyone. Let's simplify. How far away is Clweland? PITMAN Fifty-two miles. DICX

Someone give nm another answer.

PITMAN An hour away. DICK

Clevolsnd is an hour away.

Somone give xm another anmmr. -

3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN #lo1 'grains and Eggs' 21. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rav. l/S/96) f/D BUG

A nine dollar bus ticket. DICK

-_ Cleveland is nine dollars away. BUG

Oh! A felony charge. The federal court houso is there.

DICK

Yes ! Cleveland is a felonious

assault away! Somono else.

m, A LARGE GUY PVTS HIS HAND UP-- TXEN DOWN.

DICK (COHT'D)

Yu, L8on. Well, come on, Leon,

speak up.

LEON

No. Nevermind. I-uh-uh-

had this idea, but it's wrong. DICK - Oh. Leon. Of courno it's wrong. I moan, the odds against your being right are staggering. You have a great advantage. You know the outcosm. You u ba wrong. Don't

fear it. Embrace your wrongness.

Leon, how far away is Cleveland? 1 3ii3 ROCK FROM THE SUN #lOl 'Brains and Eggs’ Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 22. (Rev. l/5/96) I/D LEON Cleveland is an etarnity away. If your heart is there. DICK -. Leon, that is so provocative, (WRITING EXCITEDLY ON THE BOARD)

Where Cleveland equals P and Eternity equals Q... transposing

the logarithm of the heart... where the heart is an unbown... w find that we are forever in Cleveland.

(TO LEON) No. I'm sorry, Leon.

You're wrong! Yes, caryn.

cARyN,ANATTRACTIVEFRESHMANHASHERHANDUP.

CARYN

Dr. Solomon, I think that Leon

meant that Cleveland csn FH1 like an eternity away. 3RD RCJ+X FROM THE SLW )lOl 'Srains and Eggs' Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. 23. 1/S/961 I/D DICK

Oh, it's a fee. Yes, I know all about feelings. Everything's

-. just going fine, and somebody has a feeling. And, Ka-Boom! Suddenly they don't like you. I

think we can all do without feelings. Who's with me? Your grade dependa on it. THE STUDENTS RAISE THEIR HANDS.

PITMAN

Dr. Solomon? I hope this doesn't effect my grade, but I have a thought.

DICX

Yes.

PITMU You have to have feelfng8.

Feelings are like the core Of

the human ex&?erieace.

DICX

‘The core of the humsa

mience.' Of COUrSO! I

nevu thought of that.

THE STUDENTS GETUPTO L=VE.

(MORE) ~.RD FROM SUN #lOl 'Brains and ROCK THE Eggs' 24. - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 Pilot (Rev. l/S/96) I/D DICK (CONT'D) Oh, uh, tomorrow, uh, I want you all to write a paper for me

about feelings... tell me how it

feels to use only ten percsnt of your brain. WITH A STACK OF FORMS. NINA 0000. hreryone wa8 awake.

DICX

Nina, where is Dr. Albright? I have to talk to her. NINA She's gone for the day. But, .-

she'll be at the Dean's faculty party tonight. DICX Right. Deen Suamer's Party. Toll him I'll be then! NINA Oh, I*11 drop everything aad do

that right now. DICX I'm not sure how to get there. ~RD ROCK PRCM THE SLW #lnl 'Brains and Eggs' Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 2s. (Rev. l/S/96) I/D NINA I can pick you up. DICK That won't hurt your back? NINA

I'll be in a car. DICK Oh good. Come by and blow the

horn. I love to hear people honk. NINA What are you from Mars? DICK MUS? Oh no. pIcs m AND ON THIS, WE; 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN #lo1 'Brair?!sand Eggs' 26. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/S/96) II/E

ON - AFTUOON (PBy 31 (Dick, Tommy, Volleyball Girl, Atmosphere) -_ IC e .

TOW SITS AT A TABLE WITH A SANWICH. HE SEES A F w IN A VOLLEYBALL UNIFORMHE GOES TO .

TOMm

Hi.

GIRL

Hi.

TOMm

You’re on the volleybell tee& aren't you? GIRL

Yeah, I am. . TO&MY I watched you jump up a& down this afternoon. You're reelly good. GIRL Thank8. We won. TomY

Oh, it’s a game. aa, MwaY my

m’s =-

DICX SEES WHAT IS GOING ON AND COLLARS HIM. 3m ROCK FROM THE SUN #lo1 'Brains and Eggs* 27. Pilot - AS BROADCAST 1/9/96 (Rev. l/5/96) xx/e DICK Can I talk to you?

HB DRAOS TO&MY AWAY TO THE OTHER TABLE.

-. TOMY Come on, man. DICK (CONT'D)

May I remind you that wo are not to

alter the lives of the inhabitantsof

this planet in any way. Tom

yeah, but some of 'em are jU8f

askin' for it. DICX

Pull it together, I'm extending our mission for one more night. TOM

DICK

I have faculty obligations. TomY

Dick, don't do this to rm. I -

I navor rleap. I'm exhau8td. Boridea, you don't h~va the authority to altor the schodu10. 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN #lo1 'Brains and Eggs' 28. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/5/96) II/E DICX

Of course, I do. I'm in comand.

-_ TOMMY Yeah, well, I'm in puberty, pal.

DICK

I don't care what you say. It

can’t bo that bad.

TOMm

I could pop at any minute. DICR

Aren’t you exaggerating just a little? TOMY Nah, here. Give m your mind.

For just a second. DICX Oh please. TO&MY Coma on. Just give IIyyour

Blind.

TO~ANDDICXSTAREATEACH-. DICXLOOKS STARTtKD StJDDmY.

DICX

Oh, that’s disgusting. Eggs’ ~RD ROCK FROM THE SUN #lOl *Brains and 29. AS Pilot - BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/5/96) II/E TOMm I know.

DICK

-. You think like that? TOMMY

All the time. DICK

We've got to get you out of here.

- 3RD ROCK FROM THE SLW #LO1 'Brains and Eggs' 30. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/5/96) II/H

(Dick, Sally, Harry; Tommy)

DICK STtiS AT THE TABLE UNPACKING A TRUNK, TOM =ERS WITH SOME SCIENTIFIC EQUIPMENT.

TOMm

Dick, what are you doing?

DICK

~'rn unpacking. I've changad my mind. We're going to stay a little

longor.

I'm a dead man.

TOBMY SLUMPS IN A CHAIR. DICKUNPACK THB FLASHLIGHT FROM THE-TRUNK. HARRY GRABS IT mOM HIM AND HOLDS IT BARREL DOWN IN A PHALLIC GRIP. DICX STARES.

HARRY

ugbt-da-da-da. Wait-wait-wait. Whoa. That's mine. Bo careful.

ft'a uh... very valuabla.

DIClC

you know, I have an urge to hold

@lat.

HARRY That's exactly whatit's for. 3FUl ROCK FROM THE SUN #IO1 'Brains and Eggs' 31. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/5/96) II/H DICK

May I? HARRY 'Please.

DICK HOLDS THE FLASHLIGHT THE SAME WAY. DICK

I find this very satisfying.

HARRY

I know. DICK

I like this. HARRY

I know.

DICK

I wonder what Dr. Albright im doing right now. HARRY

Uh, let ma have it-back. C'mon. Let's break it up hero. shall

W83

DICKGIVESTHllFLASHLIGHT BACXTOHARRY. SALLY ENT%RSWIT?IACOUPLEOF IT=. SHE SEES THE FOft WRARPILDMBMLOAPONTHETABLg. SALLY

Oh, I will k so glad to got out

of this body. What are YOU

doing? 3m FROM ROCK THE SUN alO1 "Brains and Eggs' 32. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. i/5/96i II/H DICK

I'm unpacking.

TOMMY

-. The Conunanderwants to stay a little while longer.

SALLY

What for? DICK

Because we can't leave yet. Did

you know that our bodies can

produce feelings? I got a who10 lot of them from Dr. Albright this afternoon. SALLY Really? DICK Yes. And I'm going to a party to sea if I can get a little tonight. SALLY Oh, Dick, no. DICR I'm tolling you it's a trims against science not to 0WUinwnt

with ourselves. 3KD ROCK PROM THE SUN II101 'Brains and Eggs' Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 33. (Rev. l/S/96) II/H SALLY

Wall, but couldn't we just

conduct these experiments in the

'privacy of our own home? I mean, -. what can she do that I can’t?

TOMm

Lieutenant?

SALLY What?

TomY Permission to speak freely.

SALLY Permission granted. TOMMY - Sir, would YOU junp UR and down

for us?

HARRY

Oh, yeah. And put your hands back behind your head, like

this.

SALLY

I will not!

DICK

Pleas.. For science. Truly. ROCK FROM 3RD THE SUN 0101 'Brains and Eggs' 34. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/S/96) If/H SALLY No. I mean, it's not that I don’t want to help, it's just

that I don't know how

comfortable we would feel

working together after an

experiment like that.

DICK/?WRRY/TOlMY

It'll ba fine./Yeah./Doit. SALLY

In your dreaau.

Tom Every night. SALLY

Look, absolutely not. DICX

Okay, fine. You'leave ma no

other choice. Now we have to

~riment at a party.

DICK EXITS TO THE KITCNEM. SALLY FOLLWS.

THE lcITc?mf. DICK CROSSES TO THE ‘KEY RACK: ?InGaTsTNsKBYsToTHEcAR. SALLY mTERs. SALLY

Dick, listen to ma. wosmn are

trouble. I should know, I've been one for two weeks. 3RD ROCK FROM THE SW #lOL 'Brains and Eggs* 35. Pilot - BROADCAST l/9/96 AS (Rev. l/5/96) II/H DICK

I know. Which brings up another

point. I command you to shave

-. under your arms. SALLY Do-able. (A SOB) I'm sorry you

find me so offensive.

DICX

Dammit, pull yourself together,

nun. We're going out!

SALLY Okay. okay. Give llluan hour. 0Icrt

Anhour? SALLY.

Yeah, I gotta rotate theso.

It's a party.

AND ON THIS, WE; 3RD ROCK iROM THE SL'N alO1 'Brains and Eggs’ 36. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/S/96) II/J

(Dick, Sally, Harry, Tow, Nina, Dr. Albright, ~rs. Sumner, Atmosphere)

DEAN SUMNER'S HOUSE IS A eJGLISH TUDOR HOME. THERE IS AN DITRY HALL. A LARGE LIVING ROOM, WITH A BUFFET SET UP IN ONE AREA. IN ANOT?ER AREA THERE IS A GRAND PIANO. FRENCHDOORSLEAD TO A TERMCE. m. m, THEDEAN'S WIFE, 0peJS THETHE DOORTO FINDTHE SOLOMONS.

Dr. Solomon, how nice to see

you. DICR Good evening, Mrs. Sumner.

Won't you come in?

SALLY

If you'll back up. _

MRS. SUMNER BACKS UP. SALLYEmERs. HARRYAND TOMm FOLLOW. DICK Please, uh, forgive Sally, she's

not from Ohio. HARRY

000. I love where you put these

walls. 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN #lOI 'Brains and Eggs' 37. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/5/96) II/J MRS. SUMNER May I take your coat?

DICK

-. 'If I can keep my pants. MRS. SUMNER LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY.

THE BUFFET TABLE. HARRY IS LOADING A PLATE. SALLY SPEAKS AN ASIDE. SALLY

Harry, listen, I want you to keep an eye on this Albright experiment. HARRY

Yeah, sure. What are these? HARRYPICKSUPASHRIMP. SALLY Crustaceans. I mesn, Dick is endsngering this entire mission. HARRY -hum. Right. And these? HARRY LOADS DWILBD EGGS OHPO HIS PLATB. SALLY ml, unborn fowl. I'm winning to question his ability to c-d. HARRY Yeah, too bad. And these are? ~RD RCCX FROM THE 3tW #lo1 'Brains and Eggs* 38. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/5/96) II/J SALLY Cocktail weenies. HARRY

-. cocktail weenies, okay, I've seen these before. They should k bigger.

SALLY WALKS AWAY FROM THE BUFFET TO WHERE NINA IS STANDING. SALLY IS ALL BUSINESS. SALLY Nina? Right? NINA oh, hi, Sally. Nice dress. SALLY ma. Thanks. It's solwthhg I threw on. NINA Yeah. Boy, you ahOSt nibSed.

mm-. DICKGREETSHER. DICK Hello, here I am. ALBRIGHT Yes, there you are. DICK Dr. Albright, I 've been thinking about us all day. 3m ROCK FROM THE SUN alO1 'Brains and Egg?' 39. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/5/96) II/J ALBRIGHT

I haven’t.

DICK

'Iwanttotryagain. I - Iwant very much to feel. And I want even more to be felt. And I

mean that from the heart of my bottom. ALBRIGHT

Well, yours up.

SHE WALKS AWAY. HB FOLLOWS HER. DICX

No, I didn't do that right at all. I mean, I'm nw at this. .- You see, I - I - I've been

getting a feeling. And I'm

trying to identify it. ALBRIGHT

Rub it. Maybe it will go away. DICK

NO, 1 just me to make it feel batter. ALBRIGHT

-11, YOU could start by Sayiw,

'I'm sorry.. 3RD ROCK FROM SCW *131 and Eggs' THE 'Brains 40. Pilot - AS BROADCAST i/9/96 (Rev. l/5/96) II/J

DICK (BRIGHTLY)Okay. I'm sorry. ALBRIGHT

-. 'Well, you could say it as if you meant it. DICK

Oh, of course.

DICK TAKES ALBRIGm'S HAND, AND THEN IN A SINCERE AND REALISTIC TONE;

DICK (CONT'D) Dr. Albright... I'm very sorry. ALBRIGHT

Thank you.

DICK

oh! That felt great! Uh -

let's do it again. (REPEATS IT

EXACTLY) Dr. Albright... I'm very sorry.

0000. 00000.

ALBRIG?iT

Get away from me.

ALBRIGHT WTS. DICK FOLLOWS. DICK

Why, what did I not do right? ALBRIG?iT (O.C.) Go away! 3?,~RGCK FROM THE SUN $101 'Brams and Eggs* 41. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/S/96) II/J DICK I don't understand. AND ON THIS, WE:

Clfi -. 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN alO1 'Brains and Eggs* 42. Pilot - AS 3ROAOCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/5/96) II/K

M - A FEW- (DAY 31 (Dick, Dr. Albright, Sally, Harry (o.s.))

A SMALL -BATHROOM. A SHOWER WITH THE CURTAIN DRAWN. SLttY APJUSTS HER BODICE AT THE MIRROR. DR.. s BEHIND HER. SALLY TURNS TO SEE THEM. SALLY Hey, what do you think? They

seem to have greater power when

they collide. I'm not wrong, am I? DICK Sally, will you excuse us for a rnoment3 SALLY corn on, girls, let's go-

ALBRIGHT

What do you want?

DICKTAKES ALONGDEEP BREATH BEFORE SPEAK-. DICX

Dr. Albright, I have a

scientific proposition. I have

hidden a one hundred dollar bill somwhere on my body. Find it

and it's yours. 3RD ROCK FRCM THE SVN 0131 'Brair,s and Eggs' Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 43. (Rev. 115196) II/X ALBRIGHT You're unbelievable. DICK

-. I'll give you a hint. It's not in a pocket. Aren't you even going to try?

ALBRIGHT

You're coming on to me.

DICK

I have no idea what that mesns.

ALBRIGHT

It's all right. It's in my thesis. It's basic animal attraction. We all have the animal within. S&e are one

swing closer to the tree. I’ve

seen you preen and strut around

the office. I admit, I like it. DICK

Are you planning to do something important with your mouth tonight, because you've painted it bright red? 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN #lCl "Brains and Eggs' Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 44. (Rev. l/S/96) II/K ALBRIGHT

This always happens. Dr. ErQlM had a thing for me, Dr. Wallach,

-. Dr. Zucker, Dr. Thomas, oh the

guy from Cornell who was here for a week -- oh, that was insane...

DICK Excuse me, I have a sudden urge to clean you.

DICK KISSES HER. HARD. HEBACKSOFF. SHE SLAPS HIM. A BEAT. T?ieJ...

SHE KISSES HIM. SHE BACKS OFF. HBSWS HER. ABEAT. SHE SLAPS HIM W HARD. HBswsHERBvBNHARDER.

A BEAT. THEY STARE. ..

THEY BOTHTURN. DICK OPRJS T?iB SHOWER CURTAIN. HARRY STANDS INSIDE HOLDING A FLAS?lLIGHT.

HARRY

Oh; Dr. JUbright, I was just thinking of you..

Am WE: 3RD ROCK FROM THE 32-J#lOi "Brains and qgs- Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 45. (R@v. l/S/;61 II/L

(Dick, Sally, Harm, TOIIKIIY,M~S. Sumner) m .W IS SAYIN GOODBYE To THE SO-NS.

HARRY Oh, thanks for the weenies.

HARRY-

oh, good night, Dr. Solomon. Thank you so much for coming.

DICK

Good night.

SHE KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK. HEsLAps 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN $101 'Brains and Eggs' 46. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/5/96) TAG

(DAY 3) (Dick Sally, Harry, Torrmty)

WE PAN DOWN FROM THE STARS TO FIND THE SOLOMONS SITTING IN THE CAR.

JAMES TAYLOR (V.0.) 'PLANETS SPINNING THROUGH SPACE/

THE SMILE UPON YOUR FACE/WELCOME

TO THE HUMAN RACE.;: DICK TURNS THE RADIO DOWN. DICK Ah, what a terrific wening. I

just had a great time, didn’t

you?

SALLY

Whatever. DICK I just think this is the most incredible place we've ever been. Tha pwgle ar8 - are so complex. I- I love them. I - I just think they're wonderful. TOMMY

You probed her, didn't you? 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN #lOl 'Brains and Eggs- Pilor - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 47. (Rev. l/5/96) TAG DICK

I might have scanned her a little. I - I think we've

-, underestimated the life on this planet. The people have so much courage. Here they are hurling through space on a molten rock

at 67,000 miles an hour and the

only thing that keeps them from flying out of their shoes is

their misplaced faith in

gravity. I'm so glad we're

staying. I want to find out

what else they bow. What makes them happy, how thay raise their

young, what happens when they die. why they call themselves the human race. Do they think someone's gonna win?

HARRY

000. Look, a shooting star. DICX Ahhh. I think this is gonna be our greatest mission. 3RD ROCK iROM THE ZLT #131 'Bf;$s and Eggs' Pilot - AS BROiUCAST L/9/96 48. . l/S/96) TAG SALLY

Yep, he probed her all right.

DICK SMILES'KNOWINGLY,AND ON THIS, WE: -. Ovrc,