Pilot Episode #lOl Written by Bonnie Turner & Terry Turner .- Directed by James Burrows YBYLRoductions AS BROADCASI’ CBS shldio ceatu JANUARY 9.1994 4024 Radftmi Avs. (Rev. l/S/96) Studio City, CA 91604 COPYRIGm 1995. THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY. ALL RIGHTSRIGHT; RESERVED. THIS MATERIAL IS THE PROPERTY OF THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY AND IS INTENDED SOLELY FOR USE BY ITS PERSONNEt. REPRODUCI’ION BY, OR DISTRIBUTION TO UNAUTHORJZEDPERSONS IS PROHIBITED. , 3rd Rock From the Sun “Brains and Eggs” Episode #lo1 Written by Bonnie Turner 6% Terry Turner Directed by James Burrows YBYL Pmductions AS BROADCAST CBS studio center JANUARY 9,1996 4024 Radford Ave. (Rev. l/5/96) Studio City, CA 9 1604 COPYRIGHT 1995. THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. THI!3 MATEFUAL IS THE PROPERTY OF THE CARSEY-WERNER COMPANY AND IS INTJZNDED SOLELY FOR USE BY lTS PERSONNEL,. REPRODUCI’ION BY, OR DISTRIBUTION TO UNAUTHORIZED PERSONS IS PROHIBITED. 3Ro ROCK FROM THE SUN #lOl "5rains and Eggs* Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/S/96) C&D THE CAMERA PASSES THE MOON AND SEES THE EARTH. SLOWLY THE CAMERA MOVES IN TOWARD THE EARTH. ifar (V.O.), Harry, Dick, Sally, Tomy, Kissing Woman, Kissing Man) PAN DOW FROM STARFIELD. WE HEAR GARY, THP: RADIO DJ. GARY (V.O.) Alright, we're still taking calls on those UFO sightings. ~'rn on the line with Janaifu, who claims to have actually a aliens. JENNIFER (V.O.) Gary, I have been sycked up by alien space craft many times... GARY (V.O.) Uh-oh. JENNIFER (V-0.) ...and I can tell you, they are among us. GARY (V.O.) Really? Now, what do YOU suppose they want? 3m ROCK PROM THE SUN #lOl "Brains and Eggs' 2. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/5/96) COLD JENNIFER (V.0.) well, they want my eggs. GARY (V.0.) -. &-huh. JENNIFER (V.0.) To start their own alien race. s TQ: FOUR ALIENS, m, w, HARRy AND N SITTING IN A RAMBLER. GARY W.0.) Whoa. Thanks for calling. Hello, you're on the air. TODD (V.0.) Yeah, I saw four aliens in a cu. uh... I think it w a .- Rambler. GARY (V.O.) Whoa. Stylish. DICX Everyone fully formed? mm. Yep. DICX Bvuyone got ten fingers and eleven toes? Chock. 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN #lOL 'Brains and Eggs* 3. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/S/96) COLD DICK Good. I guess we're in. Everyone comfortable? -. HARRY Urn. I have three holes in my face. DICK Can anyone get your head to swivel to the rear? SALLY No. DICK Then how are you supposed to lick your back? TomY mybe you do what they're doing. TO= INDICATES THE COUPLE MAKING Olfi. DICX Look. Life forms. And they're cleaning each other. (TCXXHEDBYSCENB) Awwwuw. SALLY Look at us. f can'tbelievewe look like them. THEY LAUGH. (MORE) 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN #lo1 'Etains and eggs* Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 4. (Rev. l/5/96) COLD SALLY (CONT'D) IS anybody else sweating under their breasts? DICK AN'Q,HAkRY CHECK THEMSELVES. DICK No. In fact, I don't have any. HARRY I have tiny ones. DICK Quick, look! That woman is gonna drive with her feet! THE NECXERS SIT UP. THE WOMAN SHOUTS AT m. WONAN .. Don't you people have a home? DICX Uh, no, we don't. But thank you for the idea. (SMuGLYToT?IB GROUP) See? She called us peopla. DICX STARTS THH CAR. SALLY TURNS ON THE RADIO. (MORE) 3RD ROCK FROW THE SLN a:(31 'SraLns and Eggs= Pilot - AS 3ROADCAST l/9/96 3. (Rev. l/5/96) COLD DICK (CONT'D) Listen. It's that signal they keep sending into space. OFF DICK DRIVES OFF. CAMERAPBA TO THE STARS. AND ON THIS, WE; Em TO.. VT: EARTH SPINNING. DICK W.0.) Our home for this mission is earth, a third-rate planet. I got a teaching job at a third- rate university. Now we're looking at a third floor apartment. 3P.D ROCK FROM THE SUN #101 'Brains and Eggs’ 6. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/5/96) I/A N CpBy 2) (Dick, Harty, Sally, Tonmy, ~rs. Dubcek) MRS., THE LANDLADY, AN ATTRACTIVE OLDER WOMAN, ENTERS WITH DICK, HARRY, SALLY AND TO-. HARRY HAULS A LARGE EQUIPMENT TRUNK. DUBCEK Come in, come on in. It's the attic, so it's kind of small. But it's furnished. DICK We love it! HARRY yeah, it's so much bigger than a car ! Yep. We'll take it. DUBCEK You know, this used to be the -us room back in the sixties. This carpet has seen more butts thaa Santa Claus's lap. HARRYTAG3ALOEU4WITHMRS.DUBCElt.HEBRUSKEs AGAINST HER SWEATER. 3m ROCK FROM THE SUN blO1 "Brains and Eggs' Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. 115196) 7. I/A HARRY Ew, what is this stuff? DUBCEK -. This sweater? It's angora. HARRY Well, it's wonderful. I've never seen anything like it. 0000000. DICK, SALLY, TOMY AND HARRY FEEL THE SWEATER. DUBCEK I like the color... HARRY PUTS HIS CHEEK AGAINST HER SLEEVE. HARRY Well, it's very nice. - DUBCBR You're not from around here, are you? THEY REACT IN PANIC TO H&R STAT-. DICR GRABS HER IMMEDIATELYANDHUSTLBSHEROUT.. DICK ~011, Elrs. Dubcek, I could stand hue and chew your fat all day, but time has no manners. Bye now. DICIC CLOSES THE DOOR. (MORE) 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUX a131 'Brains and Eggs* 8. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/S/96) I/A DICK (CONT'D) Sally, I want you to observe her. Find out what women on this -. planet do. SALLY Why can't Harry do it? DICK Because you're the WOW. SALLY That brings up a very good question. my am I the woman? DICX Because you lost. MARRY eJTERS FROM THE KITCHEN. HARRY Dick, I can't see through my eye lids! SALLY Open them. HARRY Oh. They're manual. DIQ SXAKBS HIS HEAD IN FRUSTRATION. 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN 1)lOl 'Erains and Eggs’ 9. ?ilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 (Rev. l/S/96) I/B Pm - AFTrm00~ cp~y 3~ (Dick Tow, Nina; Dr. Albright) Oh good. You're here. Did you copy the main frame in the library? TOMm uh. I got a little... distracted. DICX Again? what happened3 Well, I was watching theso women playing volleyball. And they were all jumping up and down, up and.down, in theso little shorts. sonm of them can't jump as high as the others. But it's okay... I mean, it's more than okay. It's raally okay. DICK What is wrong with you? 3XD ROCK FRCM THE Sl.2~alO1 'Brains and Eggs- Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 10. (Rev. l/5/96) f/B TOMMY I don't know. DICK -. 'Well, we can't leave without that inforr.ation. So, accas8 the main frame, enter the net, down load, and then go straight homa as soon as you've finishd. TOM Why are you talking to IIY like I'm a child? DICX You are a child. TOMMY I'm oldu than you! DICK Well, now I'm bigger. And on this planet, sit0 mattur. m ENTERS WITH DICK'S MAIL AND PAPKR. NSNA Good morning, Dr. Solomon. DICK Hi, Nina. NINA Hue’s your mail. TOMm LEERS AT NINA AS SHE SORTS THE MAIL. SHE THROWS SOME LETTERS OUT, KEEPS OTHERS. (MORE) 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN #lo1 'Brains and Eggs' Pilot - AS BROADCAST I/9/96 11. (Rev. l/5/96) I/B NINA (CONT'D) This is nothing... nothing... this is something, but there’s -. ,nothin'-you can do about it. This is an invitation to a party at the Deans' house... this is nothing... (TO TOMMY) And if you don't stop starin' at whatever it is you're watchin' you're go- loso somethin'. DICK Tommy is just on his way to the library. Aren’t you, T-3 Tom - Uh, yeah, I am now. 1havmto go look up the word 'throb: TOMme DICK - Ho's older than ho looks. NINA wdl, I have to file 800~ things for you. NI#A CROSS To TMB CONSOLE. DICX SNIFFS THE AIR. DICX (SNIFFS) What is that? (BIG SNIFF) It's you. You sllmllso nice. 3W ROCK FROM THE SUN rlO1 '"m~s an;,;zys- 12. Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 I/B NINA Thanks, I try. AS N= STRAIGHTENS PAPERS ON THE CONSOLE, DfCK SNIFFS HER BACK, HARD. -. NINA (CONT'D) That had better be your nosa. HE 'DEPOSITS' THE SNIFF IN A VILE. NINA (CONT'D) Is your wife out of town? DICK uh.. Mrs. Solomon is no longor with us. She... uh burned up on m-entry.. NINA NODS SARCASTICALLY. - NINA Ah, I had a boyfriend who used to bum up on ra-entry. Ha walks with a lirppnow. ENTER DR., AN A-I’VE WOMAN, FORTIES. SHE IS QUICK, FRImlDLY, FORmL. SHB CROSSES TO HER DESK. NINA (COWF'D) oood morning, Dr. Albright. ALBRIGHT Good morning, Nina. DICK Good Morning, Dr. Albright. DICK SMILES CHEERFULLY. SHE REGARDS HIM COLDLY. 3RD ROCK FROM TXE SUN #131 'Brains and Eggs* Pilot - AS BROADCAST l/9/96 13. (Rev. l/5/96) T/B ALBRIGHT Nina, would you tell Dr. Solomon he parked in my space? Again. NINA You parked in her space. DICK Yes, I know. It was anpty. ALBRIG?iT would you tell him I'm going to have him towed? DICK Tell her I already have all the toes I need.