“Bells” Play script

(Bob and Edmund engage in friendly wrestling on the floor, just when the mood changes, Baldrick enters.)

BALDRICK: Don't worry Bob. He used to try and kill me too.

EDMUND: My God - Baldrick. Boy, am I glad to see you. What do you want?

BALDRICK: Bah, I was wondering if I might sleep on the roof sir? Only the town’s bailiff says that if I lie in the gutter I will be flushed into the Thames with all the other turds.

EDMUND: Yes, certainly Baldrick. Help yourself. I was just off to bed anyway. Euh... good night Baldrick. Good night Bob.

KATE: Good night my lord.

EDMUND: Yes. Oh God...

(Setting: At the doctors. Edmund is consulting with a Doctor.)

DOCTOR: Now then what seems to be the trouble?

EDMUND: Well, it is my man servant.

DOCTOR: I see. Well don't be embarrassed if you got the pox. Just pop your man servant on the table and we'll take a look at him.

EDMUND: No, I mean, it is my real man servant.

DOCTOR: Ah, ah. And what is wrong with him?

EDMUND: There is nothing wrong with him. That is the problem. He's perfect and last night I almost kissed him.

DOCTOR: I see. So you started fancying boys then, have you?

EDMUND: Not boys. A boy.

DOCTOR: Yes, well let's not split hairs. It is all rather disgusting and naturally you're worried.

EDMUND: Of course I'm worried.

DOCTOR: Well, of course you are. It isn't every day a man wakes up to discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on Gods clean earth than a weasel. Ashamed of yourself?

EDMUND: Not really, no.

MKTOC. The Workshop, Clickers Yard, Olney, Bucks. MK46 5DX 8 Tel: 01234 241357. Email: [email protected]. Web: www.mktoc.co.uk “Bells” Play script

DOCTOR: Bloody hell! I would be. But still why should I complain? Just leaves more rampant totty for us real men, eh?

EDMUND: Look, am I paying for this personal abuse or is it extra?

DOCTOR: No, all part of the service. I think you're in luck though. An extraordinary new cure has just been developed for exactly this kind of sordid problem. EDMUND: It wouldn't have anything to do with leeches, would it?

DOCTOR: I had no idea you were a medical man.

EDMUND: Never had anything you doctors didn't try to cure with leeches. A leech on my ear for ear ache, a leech on my bottom for constipation.

DOCTOR: They're marvellous, aren't they?

EDMUND: Well, the bottom one wasn't. I sat down and squashed it.

DOCTOR: You know the leech comes to us on the highest authority?

EDMUND: Yes. I know that. Dr. Hoffmann of Stuttgart, isn't it?

DOCTOR: That's right, the great Hoffmann.

EDMUND: Owner of the largest leech farm of Europe.

DOCTOR: Yes. Well, I cannot spend all day gossiping. I'm a busy man. As far as this case is concerned I have now had time to think it over and I can strongly recommend a course of…

BOTH (in chorus) … leeches.

EDMUND: So, I'll just pop a couple down my codpiece before I go to bed.

DOCTOR: No, no, no, no. Don't be ridiculous. This isn't the dark ages. Just pop four in your mouth in the morning and let them dissolve slowly. In a couple of weeks you'll be beating your servant with a stick, just like the rest of us.

EDMUND: You're just an old quack, aren't you?

DOCTOR: I'd rather be a quack than a ducky. Good day.

(Setting: In the house of Edmund Blackadder. Edmund is eating a leech. Baldrick is waiting on him.)

BALDRICK: Anything to follow my lord? There’s a lovely fat spider I found in the bath. I was saving it for myself but if you fancy it...

MKTOC. The Workshop, Clickers Yard, Olney, Bucks. MK46 5DX 9 Tel: 01234 241357. Email: [email protected]. Web: www.mktoc.co.uk