22 Features December 6, 2004 THE RETRIEVER By Noah Albro Blade Trinity: a numbing mess Music review corner Bah-humbug

The holidays have never been so painful

Barenaked Ladies: Barenaked for the Holidays (in stores now)

Okay I was so off. I was under the complain about “O Holy Night” being impression that the Barenaked Ladies’ done in exactly the same fashion…come career had ended a couple years ago; on Barenaked Ladies, have you no shame? apparently I had underestimated the “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen/We power of good PR for terrible bands. With Three Kings” was a song that I prayed that said, I think you are going to know they couldn’t screw up (especially with Courtesy of New Line Cinema how I feel about this album. As I looked addition of Sarah McLachlan’s vocal Toothless: Whistler (Jessica Biel) and King (Ryan Reynolds) wonder what the hell they’re doing in this movie. through the titles of the songs (torture) prowess), and they once again fell far that I was going to be subjected to, I below my expectations. The song itself DOUGLAS MILLER imagine watching your friend play N.A.R.C. caught all of our favorite carols and may not have been terribly “composed” Retriever Editorial Staff on a movie theater screen for over two straight Christmas hymns and wondered to myself but it sounds like it was recorded in some hours. how badly the Barenaked Ladies kid’s basement recording studio. The Deep character development is not exact- butchered the songs. I was soon to find quality is really just awful. The micro- The Blade series of films has been an ly something one expects from a comic book out. The first song is “Jingle Bells”, and phones sound like they are all clipping interesting anomaly in the current cycle of film, but with Blade Trinity, screenwriter actually the piano introduction that the (distorting) and the vocal parts just seem comic book films. Based on the half- Goyer even fails to provide basic character Ladies put together is pretty cool, but the strewn together and not really planned all human/half-vampire Marvel comic book definition. Blade is still the taciturn anti-hero rest of the song is really terrible because that well. I mean, I didn’t like the character of the same name, the first two prepared to deliver the occasional quip, but they just try too hard to make the song Barenaked Ladies when they were big, so Blade movies were successful action/horror the new characters lack even that much back- funny. “Rudolph the Red-Nosed I don’t think that this changes a whole lot. pieces that combined vampires and martial ground. Jessica Biel’s character is Whistler’s Reindeer” was just a poor drum track and They have just put another scar on the arts action in trend-setting ways. So far, the daughter, and Ryan Reynolds character used a Rhodes piano, and it lasted a grand total face of Christmas music as we know it. series has largely slipped under the hype radar to be a vampire. That’s all we learn about of fifty-nine seconds, which I don’t think Please, I am asking you not to buy this while still making a modest profit. either of them. They seemingly have no back- I should complain about. I will, however, album. Do it for me…for Christmas. Unfortunately, the Blade series’ winning ground, motivation, or even emotional streak has caught up with expectation – Blade response to anything. With such interesting Trinity is a mess of a movie that adds nothing protagonists, who even needs a plot? What says ‘Merry Christmas’ to the Blade mythos and is mostly content to Blade Trinity’s villain is one of the least repeat scenes from the superior preceding threatening renditions of Dracula to ever better than a random assort- films. grace the movie screen. His unaltered form is ment of mediocre bands? Our vampire hunter protagonist Blade an absolutely laughable skeleton costume, and (Wesley Snipes) and his assistant Whistler his human form looks like an Armani model. (Kris Kristofferson) are still out fighting the Even Dracula’s presence in the film is more Compilation: Maybe This Christmas good fight against the secret vampire under- than a little anti-climatic, since Blade defeat- Tree world at the start of Blade Trinity. However, ed the presumably more important “Vampire the vampire-controlled police finally catch up God” in the first picture. (in stores now) with Blade in a segment that results in his cap- Some unintentional humor comes from ture and Whistler’s death. Whistler’s daughter, who is basically a walking Thankfully, it turns out that Whistler product placement. See, she has to get “in the Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t get Some of my favorites were: Death Cab for had a daughter (Jessica Biel), who also fights zone” when killing vampires, which she does why any band would really want to be on Cutie “Christmas (baby please come vampires. Her partner King (Ryan Reynolds) through listening to trip-hop on her Apple a Christmas compilation album. I know home)”, Belasana “Bittersweet Eve”, and and their group called the Nightstalkers break iPod. So during the multiple montages glori- it’s festive, and call me the music Grinch, Copeland “Do You Hear What I Hear?”. Blade out of jail, because a new baddie is on fying the character’s shiny high-tech weapon- but I really think doing that just takes a This album is pretty laid back musically; the streets. ry, Jessica Biel arms herself with an iPod in the good career (or a bad one) and gives it a the songs seem to counteract the hectic Vampire Danica Talos (Parker Posey) and same manner. These segments are likely going swift kick to the ass. As Christmas compi- mood of the season, offering some reprieve her gang have unearthed “the Vampire King” to generate more laugher than iPod sales. lations go, I figure this one is pretty alright. from the hustle and bustle of shopping and (Dominic Prucell), who was once the inspira- The most disappointing part about Blade Some artists who appear on the album are so forth. I would recommend this compila- tion for Bram Stoker’s Dracula. With Dracula Trinity is that the film could have actually Death Cab for Cutie, Pedro the Lion, tion over that of most Christmas samplers back, the vampires hope to extract his core been something special. Director Goyer had Pilate, Jars of Clay, Belasana, Lisa Loeb, I’ve heard. In general, though, I don’t real- DNA so they can modify their own mutated originally promised the film would take place and Copeland. In spite of my aforemen- ly recommend any Christmas compilations DNA and become “daywalkers” (Dracula in post-apocalyptic times, long after the vam- tioned opinion, I actually enjoyed quite a like I would an actual album. But hey, if lacks that flaw.) pires had taken control of the world. That few of the tracks on the album, mostly Christmas music is your thing, don’t listen Blade and the Nightstalkers must destroy sounds like an interesting movie. Instead, we because the majority of the songs were to me. Pick up the album and judge for Dracula before the vampires succeed, or the get more of the same. originals and not just mangled hymns or yourself… you may be pleasantly sur- balance of power between the human and Even in the cut-and-paste final script, carols (coughBarenakedLadiescough). prised. vampire races may change (again.) Goyer occasionally throws out a few interest- Writer/director David S. Goyer must ing ideas. In particular, the blood bank scene have been so excited by the prospect of direct- is very inspired, however the idea proves to be ing this entry (he only wrote the previous two completely extraneous and is dropped after a films) that he forgot to provide himself with a few minutes. serviceable script. Instead, Goyer seems hell- Despite its numerous, numerous faults, bent on proving he can direct action to the Blade Trinity kind of works. The film certain- standards of the previous entries – and he ly has enough action to keep the audience does – but the inventive premises and inter- awake, and there is a lot of profane, campy esting situations of the first two films are humor that Friday night viewers will probably nowhere to be found. enjoy. So as far as cheap exploitation films go, Instead, we get endless action scene after this one is okay. Nevertheless, the film is at endless action scene, all of which are mostly least 20 minutes too long, and really should the same. Blade and his companions kill a have been rethought at the script level. completely absurd amount of nondescript This is supposedly the last Blade picture write for features. get free humans in SWAT uniforms throughout the (it’s a “trilogy”), but on the basis of Blade picture, basically to the point of self-parody. Trinity, the series already ran out of ideas sev- While these scenes are generally well done and eral years ago. stuff. call now! x51260 effective on their own, the cumulative affect Douglas Miller is an editor at the of all these scenes is just mind numbing. To Retriever. You may reach him at get an approximation of the experience, just [email protected].