$3 Bet Our Mamma Don’t Know We Can Scratch Like That $3 The Committed Indian The REal Fan’s Program blackhawksblog.blogspot.com November 12th, 2008 [email protected] SHOWTIME HAS COME TO THE UC? No, we don’t mean when the Lakers Frustrated Forwards Have To Be In a lot like Tim Thomas. Luckily, with the B’s come to town to donkey-punch the Bulls. By 12 o’clock playing arch-rival Montreal tomorrow night, We’re talking about the Hawks and the perfor- To tonight, and the visit of The the Hawks very well may get a look at Manny mances they’ve put up lately. We’ve sent our Hub’s Hockey Heroes, otherwise known as Fernandez, the only “Manny” Boston fans have research team out to discover a game when the Bruins. Across the redline, the Hawks left. Fernandez has been good, but he hasn’t the Hawks’ passing was as crisp as it was will see a team that is just as hot as they are. been defying the Lord like Thomas. Sunday night vs. Calgary (you can ask them The B’s have won 6 of 7, and currently stand We’d Make A “More Than A Feel- how it’s going, they’re the ones begging for second in the Northeast Division. If you’re a ing” Joke, But That Song Sucks change outside the United Center). So far, gambling man, and are looking for a non- The Hawks will have more problems they haven’t come up with anything, certainly chalk pick to come out of the East come May, with Boston than merely who’s in net. The at no time after the lockout, and you may have we suggest you look right here. The Bruins Bruins have very solid--if unspectacular-- to go all the way back to the strike-shortened defensively are oppressive; have strenght up defensemen, including budding star Dennis ‘95 season when Bernie “Pumper” Nicholls was the middle in Marc Savard, Patrice Bergeron, Wideman, who has been carrying Chara this having a renaissance. It was a damn Globe- and David Krejci that few teams can boast of; season (a la Keith carrying Seabrook). How- trotter routine, and the Flames had no answer. and have not one, but two goalies playing for ever, none of their blue-liners move the puck TSN in Canada reported there was a case of a contract at the end of the season (which can very well, and perhaps the Hawks can create flu doing the rounds in the Flames dress- work wonders for a team and a goalie’s bank some chances with a heavy forecheck. Boston ing room, which might help explain why the account, see: Khabibulin, Lightning, 2004 and compensates by playing a real conserva- Hawks had so much room to manuever. But Huet, Capitals, 2008). tive system with all of their forwards doing it’s one thing to have space, and it’s another Tim Thomas, the #1 netminder, has the dirty work in their own end, and doing to take that space and use it to pistol-whip played at such a high level this season we’re it well. Frankly, it’s harder to score on the your opponents. That’s precisely what the not sure Satan isn’t going to pop up mid- Bruins than a Republican Bible-thumper with Hawks did on Sunday night. January to collect his end of the deal. There an iron chastity belt. They’ve given up only We always worry when the Hawks are few goalies who are more fun to watch 17 even-strength goals in 14 games, and are come up against a more physical team, like than Thomas. He’s not positionally sound, in 3rd in the league in goals-against per game. the Flames...well, 90% of the league is more fact, he’ll leave more gaping openings than More of Sunday’s passing demonstration will physical than the Hawks, but whatever. On you’ll find on Jenna Jameson’s anatomy. But be needed if the Hawks are to send the Bruins display Sunday was exactly how the Hawks will there’s no better scrambler than Thomas, back to Boston disappointed (actually, anyone beat those teams. Tape-to-tape passes, al- who always finds a way to make a save, usu- headed back to Boston is disappointed. It’s lowing the Hawks to use their superior speed ally in highlight-reel fashion. If Bugs Bunny a terrible place. Like living in an expensive to get around slower opponents. The Hawks were to play goalie in the NHL, it would look fraternity house. Yuck.). -Statler and Waldorf can’t afford to constantly battle for loose pucks and dump-ins, they’re too small. The possession game we saw last time out allows the Hawks to carry into the zone with speed, and there are few defensive corps in the NHL who will be able to cope. Are we gushing? We’re gushing, aren’t we? We’ll try and stop, honest. High Voltage A brief word on the now-lethal Hawks power play. We haven’t seen a unit like this since, well, again, that ‘95 team. (Editor’s Disclosure: He is a proud owner of a Bernie Nicholls #92 Hawks jersey, and will stop at nothing to make it relevant again. Even with the mustard stains.) What’s truly gratifying about the Hawks’ PP is its flexiblity--even on the second unit. If teams try and take away down low? Barker and 51 Phantom on Unit 1, Buff/Keith and Seabrook on 2, will bomb from the points. If teams try and take that away? Kane and Toews with the first unit, Havlat and Versteeg on the second, will make plays around the net. Like a serial killer who can strangle as well as stab, you just don’t know how you’re going to get it, but you’re going to. The Brian Campbell Spin-o-Rama Today’s Special: White Russian-$6.75 Million The Nikolai Khabibulin experience has been like like name, his superb ’07-’08 campaign earns him a mulligan a teenage pregnancy: we should have known it would end from the Predators. shamefully, we didn’t because we’re idiots, and now we’re Atlanta – Lehtonen’s numbers have been terrible, but he’s frantically looking for someone to quietly extract the problem young and Atlanta’s defense is beyond awful, so they’ll tough from our bloated roster so we can begin pretending the whole it out with the kid. thing never happened. Well, friends, the time of our salvation Los Angeles – A popular team in preseason Khabi talks, L.A. may soon be upon us. Martin Broedeur’s recent injury has looks unlikely now. The rumored 3-team deal that would have reignited speculation that we might soon be free of the most put Khabi and a defenseman in Ottowa and Anze Kopitar in disappointing Russian Blackhawk since… well, all of our Chicago is a pipe-dream. Ottawa is thrilled with Auld in goal Russian signings have ended this way, but let’s not linger in and L.A. just isn’t good enough to want to trade youth for ex- the past. pensive veterans who won’t put them into contention. They’ll In truth, the future home of Khabibulin is far less stick with LaBarbera or make a low-risk, rebuilding move. certain than your average pundit would have you believe. Tal- The ‘Hey, This Might Work After a Few Beers’ Team: lon wisely (or, more likely, unintentionally) held on to Khabi Toronto – Decent team? Check. Playoff aspirations? Check. for just this moment: a competitive team has lost its netminder Glaring deficiency in net? Check. Hmmm… Toronto is cur - and desperately needs a replacement. In the silent tear of a rently in the crop of teams at the cusp of the playoff picture French-Canadian distal bicep, Tallon became in the East, and this despite the horrendous a genius. He rushed to the phone to sing the From the Barstool play of Vesa Toskala thus far. Toskala praises of the rejuvenated Bhulin Wall to makes too much to be pushed aside hastily, Jersey GM Lou Lamoriello. but Toronto is the one team just good enough Tallon’s plan, however, haa been un- to panic and talk themselves into using their done by the same inevitability that has both cap space on a one year upgrade. created and cursed this entire mess: Khabi’s $6,750,000 price tag. Even with his fine A few other organizations have had stats (2.38 GAA & .919 Save %), Khabibu- their names thrown into the Bulin rumor bin, lin’s salary cap hit is about three times what but they don’t have the financial flexibility the Devils can absorb. Tallon’s stated reluc- Craig Antosh to match up without pulling in a 3rd party tance to accept another team’s bad contract or convincing the Hawks to take their bad has essentially made the Jersey deal nothing contracts. Tampa and Edmonton were in the more than a mirage. mix a month ago, but they have to be satisfied with Smith and We’re left to explore Tallon’s other options. He may Roloson at the moment. Philly has been mentioned recently, be capable of fashioning several teams’ unwanted junk into a but they’re a good $5 million short in cap room. workable multi-team deal, the way MacGyver or a good GM The fallout plan for Tallon consists of two options. might, but for now we’ll focus on the seven teams that can fit He can continue his rotation, not add anyone pricey, and just Khabi under the cap in a straight-up swap. Tallon almost cer- pay Khabibulin his biweekly bag of cash, or he could go tainly won’t be able to take on any significant talent in a deal, ‘maverick’ on us and introduce the Bulin Wall to Rockford. so let’s look solely at the ‘demand’ side of the equation and While hardly the cheap (or gentlemanly) option, getting Khabi assume he’ll use the cap space he creates to pursue the experi- off the NHL roster would at least free up the cap space neces- enced forward (dare I say Shanahan?) the Blackhawks covet. sary for Tallon to add the depth up front that the Hawks sorely The ‘Hell No’ Teams: need. Phoenix – Ilya Bryzgalov is firmly entrenched between the My prediction? It’s possible that Toronto will cave, pipes. No deal. but I don’t see this getting resolved that easily. I think we’ll Vancouver – Robert Luongo might look like the skeezy be left praying for a devastating injury to a more cap-flexible douche who hit on your sister, and, in truth, he probably is, team than Jersey or hoping that we contentedly walk away but he’s done well enough in goal that the Canucks won’t be from a three-way, bad-contract clusterfuck. It’s the Black- shopping. hawk way. NY Isles – DiPietro has a 15 year contract. I wouldn’t prom- ise to keep my own children for 15 years, that’s how commit- ted the Islanders are. Yes, he’s out 4-6 weeks, but that won’t Craig is a teacher in Chicago, and when he’s not doing that get them to shell out for Khabi. They’ll stick with MacDonald he’s planning his meticulous, bloodless coup of Canada or as their stopgap. Chile. Depends on what time of year he decides to launch his The ‘You’re Sweet to Ask, but… No’ Teams: attack. Nashville – Nobody likes to trade within the division, and de- spite Dan Ellis’s early struggles and his decidedly unhockey- NHL STANDINGS

Eastern Conference Western Conference

ATLANTIC W L OTL PTS GF GA HOME AWAY CENTRAL W L OTL PTS GF GA HOME AWAY NY Rangers 11 5 2 24 47 40 7-3-1 4-2-1 Scum 9 2 3 21 53 47 3-1-2 6-1-1 Pittsburgh 9 4 2 20 48 42 4-2-1 5-2-1 HAWKS 7 3 3 17 48 35 6-0-2 1-3-1 New Jersey 7 5 2 16 37 35 4-3-1 3-2-1 Columbus 7 6 2 16 46 49 5-2-1 2-4-1 Philadelphia 5 6 3 13 48 48 2-4-1 3-2-2 Nashville 6 7 1 13 44 50 5-1-0 1-6-1 NY Islanders 4 9 2 10 38 52 2-6-1 2-3-1 St. Louis 5 7` 1 11 41 45 4-4-0 1-3-1

NORTHEAST W L OTL PTS GF GA HOME AWAY NORTHWEST W L OTL PTS GF GA HOME AWAY Montreal 9 2 2 20 47 34 5-1-0 4-1-2 Vancouver 9 6 0 18 48 38 5-2-0 4-4-0 Boston 8 3 3 19 42 34 4-1-1 4-2-2 Minnesota 8 4 1 17 33 28 3-1-1 5-3-0 Buffalo 8 3 3 19 43 33 4-2-1 4-1-2 Edmonton 8 6 1 17 39 44 2-0-1 6-6-0 Toronto 6 5 4 16 47 54 3-2-3 3-3-1 Calgary 8 7 1 17 47 53 5-2-1 3-5-0 Ottawa 6 7 2 14 38 39 3-4-1 3-3-1 Colorado 6 8 0 10 39 45 4-4-0 2-4-0

SOUTHEAST W L OTL PTS GF GA HOME AWAY PACIFIC W L OTL PTS GF GA HOME AWAY Carolina 8 4 2 18 41 40 3-2-0 5-2-2 San Jose 13 3 0 26 54 38 9-0-0 4-3-0 Washington 8 4 2 18 39 39 6-0-1 2-4-1 Anaheim 9 7 1 19 52 54 4-5-1 5-2-0 Tampa Bay 5 4 4 14 29 34 2-2-3 3-2-1 Phoenix 7 6 0 14 33 32 5-2-0 2-4-0 Atlanta 5 7 2 12 40 53 4-3-0 1-4-2 Los Angeles 5 6 2 12 35 36 4-4-2 1-2-0 Florida 4 7 1 9 27 38 3-2-0 1-5-1 Dallas 5 7 2 12 41 54 2-1-2 3-6-0

TOP 10 LIST PUCK DROP

Top 10 Reasons Obama’s Election Will Benefit Zdeno Chara “climbs” Mt. Kilimanjaro The Hawks this past summer. 10. Lower health-care costs make Havlat’s next shoulder rehab easier. 9. Higher taxes on the rich keep Kane’s and Toews’s extention demands reasonable. 8. Improved care for the mentally-ill does wonders for Tallon. 7. Bail-out of auto industry will rob Wings’ fans of their lamest excuse as to why they don’t go to games. 6. Angrier Adam Burish, a McCain supporter, may, one day, win a fight. 5. Harsher enviromental protection will restrict Kerry Fraser to 8 pounds of hair product at a time. 4. Not having to hear Palin’s voice again. (This benefits everyone.) 3. Nation has rebuked the elderly, so Chelios finally fucks off. 2. McCain can’t institute draft for those under 25, depleting our roster. 1. With no abortion ban in sight, Hawks free to ride bareback, cuz bitches be gettin’ scraped!

If you would like to ruin your organization’s credibility and advertise with us, please email us at [email protected] or call 773- 470-8921 Chicago Blackhawks 7-3-3

One more solid month from Steeger, and we’ll put this as Tallon’s 2nd great trade, behind Sharp-for-Ellison. Brandon Bochenski is on his 4th team since the Hawks, and is currently hiding in the mountainous region of Tora-Bora.

# Pos Player Ht WT AGE GP G A P +/- PIM PP SH GW S S% Salary 88 R Patrick Kane 5'10" 187 19 13 7 11 18 3 4 3 0 1 41 17.1 3,725,000

10 L The Sharp-Shooter 6'1" 197 26 13 9 7 16 1 18 2 0 2 45 20 3,900,000

theless. likely what we’d call a, “happy accident,” but let’s enjoy it none Johnson leads the NHL in +/- and per 60 min. This is most 24 R Martin Havlat 6'2" 217 27 13 5 9 14 4 10 3 0 0 35 14.3 6,000,000 32 L Kris Versteeg 5'10" 180 22 13 3 9 12 8 6 1 0 0 21 14.3 491,667 51 D 51 Phantom 6'0" 188 29 13 2 7 9 7 0 0 0 0 20 10 7,142,875 19 C The One 6'2" 209 20 13 1 8 9 1 8 0 0 0 41 2.4 2,800,000 2 D Duncan Keith 6'1" 194 25 13 2 5 7 3 6 0 0 0 26 7.7 1,475,000 36 C Dave Bolland 6'0" 188 22 13 0 6 6 3 2 0 0 0 16 0 845,833 23 D Aaron Johnson 6'1" 211 25 11 3 3 6 11 4 0 0 1 6 50 525,000 22 R Troy Brouwer 6'2" 213 23 7 2 4 6 4 9 1 0 0 12 16.7 675,000 7 D Brent Seabrook 6'3" 220 23 13 3 3 6 0 20 1 1 0 18 16.7 3,500,000 33 R Dustin Byfuglien 6'3" 247 23 13 1 4 5 -1 11 0 0 0 26 3.8 3,000,000 25 D Cam Barker 6'3" 213 22 5 2 3 5 0 4 2 0 1 10 20 2,768,587 16 L Andrew Ladd 6'2" 198 22 13 3 2 5 3 10 0 0 0 23 13 1,550,000 46 C Colin Fraser 6'1" 188 23 13 1 2 3 0 23 0 0 0 6 16.7 500,000 5 D Brent Sopel 6'1" 211 31 11 1 1 2 -5 2 0 0 1 7 14.3 2,333,333 55 L Ben Eager 6'2" 220 24 9 1 0 1 -1 38 0 0 0 3 33.3 600,000 11 R Jack Skille 6'1" 208 21 6 1 0 1 -2 5 0 0 0 12 8.3 1,275,000 37 R Adam Burish 6'1" 189 25 13 0 0 0 -1 44 0 0 0 14 0 712,500 28 R Craig Adams 6'0" 197 31 4 0 0 0 0 2 0 0 0 1 0 600,000 8 D Matt Walker 6'3" 214 28 3 0 0 0 1 10 0 0 0 3 0 600,000 6 D Jordan Hendry 6'1" 194 24 8 0 0 0 -1 4 0 0 0 1 0 625,000

4 D Niklas Hjalmarsson 6'2" 200 21 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 643,333 - Totals/Averages 6'1" 203.9 24.1 47 84 240 13 1 387 12.14% 42,686,462 *not on roster For those who think Khabby has been miles better than Huet, peep dis.

# Goalie HT WT AGE GPI Min GAA W L OT SO SA GA Sv% G A PIM Salary 38 Cristobal Huet 6'1" 205 33 6 368 2.45 3 2 1 0 178 15 0.916 0 0 0 5,625,000 39 Nikolai Khabibulin 6'1" 209 35 7 428 2.38 4 1 2 1 209 17 0.919 0 1 2 6,750,000 Totals/Averages 6'1" 207 34 2.61 7 3 3 1 387 32 0.9175 0 1 2 12,375,000 TOTAL CAP NUMBER: $56,119,795 CAP SPACE: $314,000*

*space also affected by buyouts and injured players

16 years ago, David Stern sent me to ruin the NHL. I have done every- thing I can think of to drive the core I am so close to completing the task fan away, strip hockey of all that’s Stern charged me with.... great about it, and eliminate any at- tention by the mainstream media... Olde Towne Hockey 8-3-3

Kessel has developed one of the nastier wrist shots in the league, especially when he walks in from the right cirlce

on the PP. Pray we don’t see it.

more. Savard is second on the Bruins in +/-/60. you’d be lucky if he created more than let in. This is simply not the case any # Pos Player Ht WT AGE GP G A P +/- PIM PP SH GW S S% Salary The popular theory on Savard was that he abysmal in his own end, and 91 C Marc Savard 5' 10" 191 31 14 6 10 16 6 26 2 0 0 45 13.3 5,000,000 81 C Philip Kessel 6' 0" 180 21 14 7 2 9 2 4 3 0 1 47 14.9 2,200,000 46 C David Krejci 6' 0" 177 22 14 3 6 9 3 2 1 0 1 30 10 833,333 16 L Marco Sturm 6' 0" 194 30 14 3 6 9 8 6 1 0 0 35 8.6 3,500,000 73 R Michael Ryder 6' 0" 186 28 14 2 6 8 7 4 0 0 1 40 5 4,000,000 37 C Patrice Bergeron 6' 2" 194 23 14 3 5 8 5 6 0 0 1 39 7.7 4,750,000 26 R Blake Wheeler 6' 5" 205 22 14 6 2 8 4 10 1 0 1 20 30 2,825,000 17 L Milan Lucic 6' 4" 220 20 14 4 4 8 3 34 1 0 1 27 14.8 850,000 6 D Dennis Wideman 6' 0" 196 25 14 4 4 8 7 6 2 0 1 24 16.7 3,937,500 21 D Andrew Ference 5' 11" 189 29 14 0 7 7 9 19 0 0 0 20 0 1,400,000 11 L P.J. Axelsson 6' 1" 188 33 11 0 5 5 0 0 0 0 0 13 0 1,850,000 33 D Zdeno Chara 6' 9" 255 31 14 1 3 4 -1 12 0 0 0 34 2.9 7,500,000 12 R Chuck Kobasew 6' 0" 192 26 2 1 3 4 4 0 0 0 1 2 50 2,333,333 18 C Stephane Yelle 6' 2" 182 34 14 1 2 3 1 4 0 0 0 7 14.3 750,000 22 L Shawn Thornton 6' 2" 217 31 14 0 2 2 2 23 0 0 0 24 0 516,333 45 D Mark Stuart 6' 2" 213 24 14 1 0 1 4 24 0 0 0 9 11.1 1,300,000 44 D Aaron Ward 6' 2" 209 35 14 0 1 1 3 12 0 0 0 10 0 2,500,000 34 D Shane Hnidy 6' 2" 204 33 11 0 1 1 2 17 0 0 0 8 0 757,000 60 C Vladimir Sobotka 5'10" 183 21 5 0 0 0 -2 0 0 0 0 1 0 750,000 48 D Matt Hunwick 5' 11" 190 23 3 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 750,000 29 C Petteri Nokelainen 6' 1" 191 22 10 0 0 0 -2 2 0 0 0 9 0 850,000 Total/Averages 6'1" 197.90 26.86 42 69 211 11 0 444 9.46% 49,152,499

Chara is paid $1,111,111 per foot. Thought you should know.

# Goalie HT WT AGE GPI Min GAA W L OT SO SA GA Sv% G A PIM Salary 35 Manny Fernandez 6' 0" 207 34 5 304 2.57 3 1 1 0 144 13 0.910 0 0 0 4,333,333 30 Tim Thomas 5' 11" 201 34 9 551 1.85 5 2 2 2 303 17 0.944 0 0 0 1,100,000 Totals/Averages 5' 11" 204 34 14 855 2.21 8 3 3 2 447 30 0.927 0 0 0 5,433,333 TOTAL CAP NUMBER: $54,585,832 CAP SPACE: $1,401,000* *space also affected by buyouts and injured players **stats do not include last night’s game

...IS THIS THE YEAR? We bitched so much, he drove us nuts. And now we’re happier this way... Only the biggest cynic, or an idiot of Barry Rozner-proportions, would argue that the Black- hawks have not profited greatly from the death of their owner, Bill Wirtz. But that got us to thinking: What other organizations and bodies have benefitted from the death of their owner or central figure?

Charles Comiskey and The White Sox: Legendary thrifty owner whose players hated him so much they threw a World Series to spite him, some- thing even Wirtz never achieved. Though we may have to check the ‘93 Norris semis to be sure, where Nelson Emerson scored 28 goals or some- thing, to lead the Blues to a series sweep. Anyway, the Sox didn’t get to, or win, another Series until after Comiskey’s death, though it took 28 and 74 years to do so, respectively. Still better than some teams in town, though.

Hitler and Germany: Left Deutschland in financial, structural, and emotional ruin, not to mention the millions dead and murdered. Since then, Germany has risen to be a democratic and economic power, as well as the leading exporter of attractive women with no sense of humor whatsoever. Also provided the world with Kraftwerk, which rappers cite as an influence to sound intellectual. Speaking of which...

Tupac, his career, and hip-hop in general: Managed to get shot on the Vegas Strip without any witnesses, turning his career from premier rapper to music icon. Ensuing 15 albums he somehow released posthumously didn’t hurt either. Caused East Coast-West Coast feud that vaulted hip-hop to the foreground of American culture, enabling him and Biggie to buy some tropi- cal island that no one can find and where they currently live. Hip-hop’s hold on America allowed Jay-Z to write a bunch of songs about his money, houses, and cars that entertain white suburban kids, who will inherit their dad’s money, houses, and cars. Awesome. Really. The Fight Card

HAWKS vs. BRUINS

GAME FIGHT TIME Bloody Black Bruised Just Analysis Nose Eye Ego Dancing 10-25-07 Koci v. 1st. Chara skull-fucks our poor excuse of a heavy- Chara 11:42 weight. Koci needs a blood transfusion after, √ √ √ and Bruins play-by-play man Jack Edwards needs a new pair of boxers after. Seriously, listen to his call. 12-29-06 Sharp v. 3rd. Sharpie in a decision. He picks his spots Alberts 0:42 well. Probably just as succssful at the bar, √ too. 2-14-04 Vanden- Most of the records of this Hawks era have Bussche v. been destroyed, so we’ve only been told this fight actually happened. Doull Fight Stats provided by Hockeyfights.com What To Watch For: Despite boasting a fair number of players who aren’tFight afraid Stats of a provided frank and by honest Hockeyfights.com discussion, the Bruins have only engaged in five fights this season--and three of those came in a testy fairaf against Dallas. Then again, what isn’t a testy affair against Dallas? That’s seven less than the Hawks, who aren’t exactly a drunken brew-ha-ha them- selves. Main enforcer, and former Hawk, Shawn Thornton probably won’t find a dance partner tonight, as the Hawks don’t have anyone who’d want a piece of him. Ference and Hnidy provide more middleweight options for Burish, Eager, and Frasier. Though with mental-asylum candidtate Milan Lucic running around, anything’s possible.

Power Play Penalty Kill

Team Opp PPG PP% Team OPP PPG PP% Team Opp PPG PP% Team Opp PPG PP% DET 55 17 30.9 VAN 79 14 17.7 MIN 53 4 92.4 DET 63 12 81 STL 59 16 27.1 LAK 69 12 17.4 CHI 64 6 90.6 TBL 77 15 80.5 PHI 66 15 22.7 TBL 60 10 16.7 NYR 69 7 89.9 ANA 97 19 80.4 CHI 59 13 22 SJS 80 13 16.2 BUF 62 7 88.7 WSH 75 15 80 OTT 64 14 21.9 PHX 56 9 16.1 PIT 61 7 88.5 VAN 75 15 80 BUF 74 16 21.6 CAR 69 11 15.9 LAK 58 7 87.9 CBJ 74 15 79.7 TOR 72 15 20.8 NYR 89 14 15.7 OTT 60 8 86.7 FLA 68 14 79.4 BOS 53 11 20.8 DAL 67 10 14.9 SJS 61 9 85.2 NSH 75 16 78.7 CGY 86 17 19.8 NSH 74 11 14.9 NYI 77 12 84.4 COL 50 11 78 ATL 67 13 19.4 COL 74 11 14.9 CGY 82 13 84.2 EDM 67 15 77.6 MTL 62 12 19.4 WSH 61 9 14.8 PHI 76 13 82.9 BOS 57 13 77.2 MIN 57 11 19.3 NJD 52 7 13.5 MTL 67 12 82.1 DAL 65 15 76.9 ANA 68 13 19.1 NYI 71 9 12.7 PHX 50 9 82 NJD 60 14 76.7 PIT 63 12 19 CBJ 77 9 11.7 CAR 65 12 81.5 ATL 71 18 74.6 EDM 62 11 17.7 FLA 54 6 11.1 STL 58 11 81 TOR 62 17 72.6 Spotlight Milan Fahkin’ Lucic

“Dude, have you seen this fahkin’ Milan Lucic kid, dude? He’s the fahkin’ second cuhmin of Cam Neely, cawk- suckah! It’s like they gave a jackass from Q-town a jersey and let him on the ice! He’s just like one of us! Fahkin wicked, dude! I bet he fahkin hates dahkies just as much as we do in Southie! He even lawst his hands of stone that he had last season! Which is too bad, I sometimes wish I had hands of stone. Make it easier to beat my girlfriend when she gets on me about drinkin’ with Sully in the aftah-noon. But this Lucic kid, I sweah to Gawd, if I was quee-uh, I’d totally catch a load in the colon from him, no fahkin joke, dude. But Lucic ain’t no quee-uh eithah, dude. Nobody who hits like Milan could be chuggin’ cawk, dude. And he pounds this shit outtah’ mutha-fuckahs too, just like me when they announce last cawl! I luv Lucic! But I ain’t no quee-ah! Go B’s! Yankees Suck! Fahk You!” -Fitzy, from South Boston

(Great apologies to kissingsuzykolber.com, simply the best NFL blog on the planet, for shamefully ripping them off. Se- riously, if you’re not reading kissingsuzykolber.com, start, and thank us later.) KNOW THY ENEMY Russ from The Bruins Report (www.thebruinsreport. much credit. The B’s blueline has been rejecting rebound at- com) and Chris from Hub Hockey (www.hubhockey.com) an- tempts and taking care of traffic in front of the net like no other. swer our questions about the boys from Denny Crane’s home- But still you can’t overlook what Thomas has done. The man town: started the year battling with Manny Fernandez for a job and Q: We’ve been trumpeting the Bruins as a dark-horse to is now one of the top five goalies in the league. Most likely come out of the East. Are there that level of expectations in the Bruins will re-sign Thomas this offseason using some of The Hub? the money they will free up when they say their goodbye’s to Russ: Absolutely. Given how well the Bruins fared in the Manny Fernandez. This will setup something Boston has been playoffs last season against the Canadiens in the first round, waiting two-years for, the Tim Thomas/Tuukka Rask combo. there are definite expectations to hit the second round at the Bergeron may have been one of the more underrated play- very least. Phil Kessel is playing head and shoulders above his ers in the league before his injury. Is he even close to being level of play last season, and Claude Julien deserves a round back to that form? of kudos for sitting him in the playoffs to drive home his point Russ: Bergeron is close, but not quite there. Bergeron’s best of playing a solid game in all 3 zones (which we’ve seen this quality was his two-way play, and that hasn’t diminished at all year). Having Patrice Bergeron back is huge as well, with his since the injury. I think his timing when it comes to passing return from injury it’s almost like signing a sought-after UFA. and shooting may be a bit off, but no one here is worried in the With championships for the other “big 3” pro teams, the Bruins least, given his layoff last year and the severity of his injuries. are definitely feeling the pressure to deliver a solid season and The Bruins have become the ugly step sister of the Bos- post-season. ton sports scene. Will simply winning bring them back to Every time we watch the B’s, we are more and more im- prominence? pressed with Dennis Wideman. Is he having an impressive Chris: Winning is everything in a city like Boston and the Red season as we think, or is it a mirage? Sox, Patriots and now Celtics are not making things any easier Chris: Wideman started out slow this year and had a lot of Bru- on the B’s. On top of winning seems to be the need for marque ins fans worried, especially after signing the contract he did in players also. Last season was the turning point of the organiza- the offseason. But “Big Money Wides” bounced back quickly tion. Not only did the Bruins make it to the playoffs for the first and has already proved his worth this season by making up for time since 2004, but they have also been one of the more active what most may call a lackluster start for Zdeno Chara. Wide- teams in the league in player sweepstakes. The organization man has been playing his position to perfection thus far and has has also been rebuilt and reimaged. But most important was the had the hot hand at the point as of late also. We see Wides as a return to the playoffs. The Bruins/Habs series renewed an inter- top five denfeseman in the league within the next two seasons. est in a team that has been invisible since the lockout. The buzz Ok, really, how many mirrors is Tim Thomas doing it with? was back and fans returned to a game that they believed turned And is there any worry that his impressive performance it’s back on them. The B’s set record season ticket sales this will make re-signing him tricky this summer, when his season and have already sold out two games this year (unheard contract is up? of for the Bruins). It may have taken more time then anyone Chris: Tim “The Tank” Thomas has been nothing but amazing wanted, but the Bruins have begun to reemerge in Beantown. this year (not good enough for a All-Star bid though?). But as just as good as Thomas has been, the defense deserves just as

Hawks-bruins: the Last 4

Oct. 25th, 2007: Hawks 1, Bruins 3 Dec. 29th, 2006: Bruins 5, Hawks 3 Phil Kessel scores twice, undressing Magnus Jo- Bruins storm out to 4-0 lead through 2, then do their hansson for the winner (remember him?). Toews best to blow it. Hawks would have made it all the scores for the Hawks, on a night best remembered way back if not for ridiculous Thomas save on Jeff for Chara re-arranging Koci’s face. Hamilton (remember him?). Marc Savard adds empty-netter.

Feb. 14th, 2004: Bruins 1, Hawks 2 (OT) Mar. 9th 2003: Bruins 5, Hawks 8 Tuomo Ruutu scores in OT, and Bryan Berard puts Eric Daze and Steve Sullivan both pot hat-tricks in up a two-point night (we won’t even ask this time). a clown-car of a contest. Theoren Fleury drinks to both Sullivan’s and Daze’s achievements, except neither are at the bar. The Hawks Record When...

Playing at home...... 6-0-2 Allowing a short-handed goal...... 1-0-0 Eddie O tells crew to Stop It Right Here...... 7-3-3 Playing on road...... 1-3-1 Taking 30 or more shots...... 4-2-1 Eddie O tells us D have the forwards and forwards have the D Scoring first...... 3-2-2 Taking less than 30 shots..... 3-1-1 during 4-on-4...... 7-3-3 Opponent scores first...... 3-1-1 Allowing 30 shots or more...... 2-1-1 We fantasize about shooting Eddie O.... 7-3-3 Shoot the puck bimbo scores...... 2-0-1 Allowing 30 shots or less...... 5-2-2 We’re ecstatic Pat Foley is back...... 7-2-3 Shoot the puck bimbo doesn’t score...... 4-0-2 100 Level doesn’t cheer for anthem. 6-0-2 Ice-girls wear skirts...... 1-0-2 Shoot the puck bimbo blows editors of Commited Indian..... 0-0-0 1st of a back-to-back...... 1-1-1 Ice-girls wear pants...... 5-0-0 ANYONE blows editors of Committed Indian ...... 0-0-0 2nd of a back-to-back..... 2-1-0 Ice-girls wear hideous pink outfit...... 1-0-0 Playing on a Monday...... 1-1-1 Opponent played night before.... 2-1-1 Leading after 2 periods...... 7-0-2 Playing on a Tuesday...... 0-0-0 Seabrook gets a flat-footed penalty.... 2-1-1 Losing after 2 periods...... 0-2-0 Playing on a Wednesday...... 2-0-0 Burish takes a penalty...... 4-2-1 Tied after 2 periods...... 0-1-1 Playing on a Thursday...... 0-0-0 Keith takes a penalty...... 2-1-1 In overtime...... 0-0 Playing on a Friday...... 1-1-0 Sharp takes a penalty...... 5-1-1 In shootout...... 1-3 Playing on a Saturday...... 1-1-2 Toews takes a penalty..... 2-1-1 Cam Barker plays...... 4-1-0 Playing on a Sunday...... 2-0-0 Havlat takes a penalty.... 3-0-0 Cam Barker is in Rockford due to GM incompetence..... 3-2-3 Savard changes lines during game... 1-2-1 Sopel takes a penalty...... 1-1-0 Lacking a #2 center...... 7-3-3 Coach Q keeps lines as they are..... 6-1-2 Sopel looks 6 steps slow...... 3-3-2 In 1-goal games..... 1-1-3 Are out-muscled by opponent.... 2-3-1 51 Phantom blows a coverage...... 5-2-3 In 2-goal games...... 1-2-0 Outshoot opponent...... 4-2-1 Toews is trying too hard...... 3-3-2 In 3-goal games...... 3-0-0 Are outshot by opponenet.... 2-1-2 At least 1 fight in 300 Level... 0-0-2 In 4+ goal games...... 2-0-0 Havlat shies from contact...... 7-3-3 No fights in 300 Level..... 6-0-0 Scoring 3+ goals..... 7-0-2 Patrick Kane scores...... 3-1-2 Playing Eastern Conference..... 0-2-0 Scoring less than 3 goals...... 0-3-1 Jonathan Toews scores...... 1-0-0 Playing Western Conference..... 7-1-3 PA plays Ministry...... 0-0-0 Martin Havlat scores...... 3-0-1 Playing Central Division...... 1-0-3 PA plays Modern Cock-Rock..... 7-0-2 Patrick Sharp scores...... 5-1-1 Playing Northwest Division.... 4-1-0 PA plays Classic Cock-Rock...... 3-0-2 Dustin Byfuglien scores...... 1-0-0 Playing Pacific Division 2-0-0 PA plays P.J. Harvey...... 0-0-0 Dustin Byfuglien turns down a hit...... 7-3-3 Playing Atlantic Division 0-1-0 Frasier fights...... 4-1-0 Andrew Ladd scores...... 2-0-0 Playing NASCAR Division 0-1-0 Burish fights...... 4-0-0 Dave Bolland scores...... 0-0-0 Playing Northeast Division 0-0-0 Seabrook fights..... 0-0-0 Adam Burish scores...... HA! Playing in October.... 4-3-3 Keith fights...... 0-0-0 51 Phantom scores...... 1-0-1 Playing in November.... 3-0-0 Buff fights...... 0-0-0 Duncan Keith scores...... 0-2-0 Playing in December...... 0-0-0 Sharp fights...... 0-0-0 Brent Seabrook scores...... 3-0-0 Playing in January..... 0-0-0 Eager fights...... 4-0-0 Aaron Johnson scores.... 2-0-1 Playing in February..... 0-0-0 On Comcast...... 6-1-2 Troy Brouwer scores.... 2-0-0 Playing in March...... 0-0-0 On WGN...... 1-1-1 Scoring a Power Play goal...... 6-0-3 Playing in April...... 0-0-0 Josh Mora looks scary..... 6-2-2 Not scoring a Power Play goal... 1-3-0 UC plays really stupid goal song..... 6-0-2 On Vs...... 0-1-0 Allowing a Power Play goal...... 2-1-3 Huet’s five-hole open like Lindsay Lohan’s..... 2-2-1 Judd Sirott swears a lot off-air 7-3-3 Not Allowing a Power Play goal...... 5-2-0 Getting obliterated on face-offs...... 1-2-1 Committed Indian is sold outside... 3-0-0 Scoring a short-handed goal...... 1-0-0 Are even close on face-offs..... 5-1-2

Erectile Dysfunction? The New Cure For The Phallic Burish Collision Blues...ROCKY! Insurance I erected a real organization from my dad’s scorched Earth, imagine what my pill can do for you! 1-800-NO-HANDS

“I never learned to stop, why should you?” Reviving The Most Lifeless Objects Since 2006 The Making of The Boston Bruins

YEAR DRAFT TRADE FREE AGENT 2008-2009 Michael Ryder (MON 8th round 1998) Stephane Yelle (NJ 8th round 1992) Blake Wheeler (PHX 1st round 2004) 2007-2008 Petteri Nokelainen (NYI 1st round 2004) from NYI for Ben Walter Shawn Thornton (TOR 7th round 1997) (BOS 5th round 2004) and 2009 2nd round pick Peter Schaefer (VAN 3rd round 1995) from OTT for Shean Donovan (SJ 2nd round 1993) Manny Fernandez (QUE 3rd round 1992) from MIN Petr Kalus (BOS 2nd round 2005) and 2009 4th round pick 2006-2007 Phil Kessel (1st round) Shane Hnidy (BUF 7th round 1994) and 2008 6th round pick from Marc Savard (NYR 4th round 1995) Milan Lucic (2nd round) ANA for Brandon Bochenski (OTT 7th round 2001) Zdeno Chara (NYI 6th round 1996) Aaron Ward (WIN 1st round 1991) from NYR for Paul Mara (TB 1st round 1997) Dennis Wideman (BUF 8th round 2002) from STL for Brad Boyes (TOR 1st round 2000) 2005-2006 Vladimir Sobotka (4th round) Chuck Kobasew (CAL 1st round 2001) and Andrew Ference (PIT 8th Tim Thomas (QUE 9th round 1994) round 1997) from CAL forWayne Primeau (BUF 1st round 1994) and Brad Stuart (SJ 1st round 1998) Marco Sturm (SJ 1st round 1996), Brad Stuart (SJ 1st round 1998), and Wayne Primeau (fBUF 1st round 1994) from SJ for Joe Thornton (BOS 1st round 1997) 2004-2005 David Krejci (2nd round) Matt Hunwick (7th round) 2003-2004 Patrice Bergeron (2nd round) 2002-2003 Mark Stuart (1st round) 1995-1996 P.J. Axelsson (7th round)

info in part provided by hockeyreference.com

GM HISTORY COACHES 2007-Present: Peter Chiarell Head Coach: Claude Julien 2001-2007: Mike O’Connell Asst. Coach: Doug Houda 1973-2001: Harry Sinden Asst. Coach: Craig Ramsey Asst. Coach: Geoff Ward Goaltending Coach: Bob Essensa

The Committed Indian is printed by Royal Omega Graphics- Elk Grove, IL 847-952-8000 [email protected] NHL STATS MADNESS

Points SV% Face-Off % Player Team G A P Player Team GAA Player Team FO% 1 Alexander Semin WSH 11 11 22 1 Tim Thomas BOS 0.944 1 Michael Zigomanis PIT 64.2 2 Evgeni Malkin PIT 4 18 22 2 Alex Auld OTT 0.936 2 Rod Brind’Amour CAR 63.2 3 Jarome Iginla CGY 9 10 19 3 Mike Smith TBL 0.934 3 Andy McDonald STL 62.6 4 Ryan Getzlaf ANA 6 13 19 4 Brent Johnson WSH 0.931 4 Chris Gratton TBL 61.4 5 Patrick Kane CHI 7 11 18 5 Niklas Backstrom MIN 0.931 5 Radek Bonk NSH 59.8 6 Corey Perry ANA 5 13 18 6 Ryan Miller BUF 0.929 6 Saku Koivu MTL 58.7 7 Marian Hossa DET 8 9 17 7 Henrik Lundqvist NYR 0.928 7 Boyd Gordon WSH 57.7 8 Zach Parise NJD 11 5 16 8 Marc-Andre Fleury PIT 0.92 8 Patrice Bergeron BOS 57.5 9 Patrick Sharp CHI 9 7 16 9 Roberto Luongo VAN 0.92 9 Joe Thornton SJS 57.4 10 Patrick Marleau SJS 7 9 16 10 Ilja Bryzgalov PHX 0.919 10 Jarret Stoll LAK 57.1

Plus-Minus/60 Corsi Rating Penalties Drawn/60

NAME TEAM +/-/60 NAME TEAM CORSI NAME TEAM PDRAW/60 1 Aaron Johnson CHI 4.11 1 Mark Giordano CGY 33.1 Petteri Nokelainen BOS 4.7 2 Alexander Semin WSH 3.53 2 Adrian Aucoin CGY 29.6 Erik Cole EDM 3.8 3 Marian Hossa DET 3.35 3 Alex Goligoski PIT 26.9 Patrick O’Sullivan L.A 3.7 4 Marco Sturm BOS 3.06 4 Sergei Fedorov WSH 26.4 David Jones COL 3.4 5 Nikolai Zherdev NYR 3.06 5 Patrick Marleau S.J 26.3 Brooks Laich WSH 3.1 6 Pavel Datsyuk DET 2.86 6 Jonathan Cheechoo S.J 25.2 Sean Avery DAL 3.0 7 Alex Ovechkin WSH 2.62 7 Ryan Getzlaf ANA 24.7 David Perron STL 3.0 8 Kris Versteeg CHI 2.61 8 Marain Hossa DET 24.6 Scottie Upshall PHI 2.9 9 Sergei Fedorov WSH 2.40 9 Marc Methot CBJ 23.8 Maxim Lapierre MTL 2.9 10 Johnny Oduya N.J 2.29 10 Andreas Lilja DET 23.3 Aaron Voros NYR 2.8

Measure of difference between goals Rates teams’ shots attempted for vs. Measures the amount of penalties for and goals against per 60 min. on shots attempted against while player is drawn per 60 min. on ice. Minimum 10 ice. Minimum 10 games played, and on ice, per 60 minutes. Minimum 10 GP and 10 min. on ice per game. 10 min. on ice per game. GP and 10 min. on ice per game.

Bringing College station I know more Production values to HD than Jiggetts.