QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS FOR LESBIAN, GAY, BISEXUAL, TRANSGENDER, QUEER, AND QUESTIONING YOUTH We encourage you to immediately seek out help if you or a loved one needs it, especially if you or a loved one are in danger or have thought about self-harm in any way.

For LGBTQ+ youth, please contact The Trevor Project online at thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now, or call one of the following:

Helplines The Trevor Project: (866) 488-7386

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-8255

Ali Forney Day Center: (212) 206-0574

Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) Info: (800) 342-AIDS (2437) Spanish service: (800) 344-7432 TDD service for the deaf: (800) 243-7889 [10:00am till 10:00pm EST, Monday through Friday]

The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender National Hotline: (888) 843-4564

The GLBT National Youth Talkline (youth serving youth through age 25): (800) 246-7743

The National Runaway Switchboard: (800) RUNAWAY (786-2929) Founded in 1972 with the simple act of a mother publicly supporting her gay son, PFLAG is the nation’s first and largest organization for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+) people, their parents and families, and allies. PFLAG has over 400 chapters and 200,000 members and supporters crossing multiple generations of families in major urban centers, small cities, and rural areas across America. This vast grassroots network is cultivated, resourced, and supported by the PFLAG National office (located in Washington, DC), the National Board of Directors, the Regional Directors Council, and our many advisory councils and boards. PFLAG is a nonprofit organization not affiliated with any political or religious institution.

Our Vision. PFLAG envisions a Our Mission. Our mission is to world where diversity is celebrated build on a foundation of loving and all people are respected, valued, families, united with LGBTQ people and affirmed inclusive of their sexual and allies, who support one another, orientation, gender identity, and as well as educate ourselves and our gender expression. communities to speak up as advocates until all hearts and minds respect, value and affirm LGBTQ people.

About this publication: Be Yourself: Questions & Answers for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer, and Questioning Youth is copyrighted. For reprint permission, please contact the PFLAG National office, info@pflag.org, (202) 467-8180.

All Rights Reserved. © 2019 PFLAG, Inc.

Written by: Rachel Lichtman, Liz Owen, Ryan Sasse

Content/Editorial Review: Robert Bernstein, John R. Cepek Dr. Kay A. Heggestad, MD, Jody M. Huckaby, Ellen James, Elizabeth Kohm, Jean-Marie Navetta, Diego Sanchez, APR. INTRODUCTION

Sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression are complex concepts and discovering your own unique identity can be confusing. Deciding to come out as LGB or queer—or disclosing yourself as transgender—can be challenging and puzzling, and leave you filled with questions.

Think about it: you’re becoming an Maybe your friends and family have adult, which can feel both exciting talked to you about dating, falling in and frustrating, especially when you love, and getting married. But they don’t yet have an adult’s rights. You’re probably have never talked about becoming more independent, and what happens when a boy falls in love your relationship with another boy or with your parents, Realizing that I’m not about what you can guardians, or straight was the least do when your physi- family members expected thing to happen cal anatomy just is changing. It’s a to me. One night I was doesn’t “match up” new experience for journaling, and without with how you feel thinking, wrote down “I’m them; they’re learn- inside. In fact, a lot bisexual”. Since then, I’ve ing to accept that of what you’ve heard realized that I don’t really you’re not a little about LGBTQ+ like labeling myself. child anymore. people might have - Anonymous, 16, Cleveland, Ohio come from people at Then, all of a school, where “gay,” sudden, your peers “lesbian,” “queer,” realize that the opposite sex isn’t that “fag,” “dyke,” and “tranny” are words bad and couples start popping up all sometimes used to harass and insult over school. Soon such relationships other people; you may even have might seem like the most important experienced this discriminatory lan- things in the world. guage within your own family.

But what if you can’t relate? If you’re Our culture is dominated by a teen who is lesbian, gay, bisexual, heterosexual and gender- transgender, queer, or gender expan- conforming images and messages. sive—or wondering if you are—you Television, movies, and magazines may feel unprepared, mostly show men and women uninformed, and even excluded. together, most music is about falling

4 BE YOURSELF PFLAG.ORG in love with someone of the opposite especially if your community isn’t sex, and many of your friends are exactly LGBTQ+-friendly. probably talking about the opposite However, there are ways to reach sex. And, while most people your out to other LGBTQ+ young peo- age seem to fit neatly into expect- ple. If you call any of the numbers ed gender roles, you may feel you at the back of this book or log on don’t—or don’t want to. to any of the websites listed, you can reach thousands of other youth This publication aims to help who have already gone through, or you understand yourself and the are currently going through, their LGBTQ+ community by answering own journeys of self-discovery. some of your questions and rec- They are people with whom you can ommending supportive resources. talk openly, compare unique life The questions experiences, and other youth have Once I came to terms with seek advice. asked about being being male, I felt so much LGBTQ+ shape better. I accepted who I am Obviously, this this publication; and immediately wanted publication cannot we hope it will help others to do the same. ask or answer you find answers of - Anonymous, 15, Jasper, Georgia every question, but your own. we hope it gives Three important points: you a place to start. You don’t have to be alone when learning about and One: There is nothing wrong with identifying your sexual orientation being LGBTQ+; it’s as normal as or gender identity/expression. The being left-handed. It’s just another resources beginning on page 39 will part of who you are. Everyone has a give you a place to continue your sexual orientation, a gender identity, own journey—to find information, to and a gender expression. find answers, to find friends, and to get support. Tw o : It takes time to know who you are. It’s okay to be confused, it’s okay Our best advice? Be yourself. If you to be unsure, and it’s okay to take are LGBTQ+, you’ll soon find that your time finding out. There’s no you have the power to shape and need to rush the process. define your identity and the way you choose to express it. Three: You’re not alone. Right now, there are tens of thousands While coming out will present you of out LGBTQ+ youth, and with questions and situations you thousands more who are have never faced before, you’ll also wondering if they are LGBTQ+ find great joy and comfort in the too. It may seem hard to imagine, journey of self-discovery.

PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 5 FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

DANGER/SELF-HARM ● I have a crush on someone at my school. How can I ● I am in danger, and tell if they’re LGB too? sometimes think of harming myself. I need help! GENDER IDENTITY/ EXPRESSION

● What’s the difference SEXUAL ORIENTATION between sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender ● How do people become expression? straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual, or other ● What’s the difference orientations? between being transgender and being transsexual? ● I think I might be lesbian, gay, or bisexual. How do I ● When do transgender know for sure? people know that they are differently gendered? ● How can I be sure of my sexual orientation if I’m ● What is the typical not sexually active? transition process for transgender people? ● I thought LGB people act a certain way. If I don’t fit the ● What does it mean to stereotype, am I still LGB? be gender expansive or nonbinary, and how is that ● I have a crush on my same- different from identifying sex best friend. Does this as transgender? mean I’m LGB?

6 BE YOURSELF PFLAG.ORG ● Aren’t there only two COMING OUT genders? ● Should I come out? ● I think I might be transgender or gender ● How should I come out? expansive. How do I know for sure? ● Should I come out to my parent(s) or guardian(s), and how should I do it? MENTAL HEALTH ● I can’t come out to my parent(s) or guardians(s). ● Is being lesbian, gay, or Whom should I tell? bisexual a mental disorder? ● Will people accept me after ● Is being transgender a I come out? mental disorder? ● Will I lose my non- ● What about “ex-gay” LGBTQ+ friends? Where ministries and so-called will I find LGBTQ+ “conversion therapy”—can friends? they help me? ● Can I have a family of my own?

THE LGBTQ+ ● I feel so alone, are there COMMUNITY people I can talk to?

● I don’t see other LGBTQ+ people around me. Am I the only LGBTQ+ person STAYING SAFE in my community? ● What if I’m harassed at ● Sometimes I don’t see school? myself reflected in the ● What if I’m harassed LGBTQ+ community. Are outside of school? there resources for youth of color? ● Do I need to worry about HIV/AIDS?

PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 7 DANGER/SELF-HARM people are LGB. Most experts believe that we are born with our sexual I am in danger, and orientation—a concept called the sometimes think of harming “nature” argument. Other believe that myself. I need help! being LGB is a choice, influenced by upbringing, cultural influences, and THE SHORT ANSWER: If you other external factors—the “nurture” are in crisis or thinking about argument. And some believe it is self-harm or suicide, you need a combination of both nature and immediate support. Please nurture. Regardless of how our sexual turn to the inside front cover of orientation develops, the majority this publication for important of evidence states that it is nearly contact information to get the impossible to change. help you need. The American Psychological You are a unique person, worthy Association (APA) is the largest of love, friendship, and support. association of psychologists Regardless of how you identify or worldwide. In its online Psychology whom you love, you have the right Help Center, which discusses “Sexual to feel safe and secure. If you feel orientation, homosexuality and unsafe, if you feel unsure, if you feel bisexuality,” the APA confirms its like you have nowhere to turn, there stance—declared publicly in 1975— are people who can help. that: “...most people experience little or no sense of choice about their SEXUAL ORIENTATION sexual orientation.” The APA goes on to explain that sexual orientation is How do people become created by a complicated mixture of straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual, genetics, hormones, development, and or other orientations? influences both cultural and social; no single factor solely determines THE SHORT ANSWER: No one one’s sexual orientation. To read more really knows for sure. However, about health, emotional awareness, the vast majority of credible and sexuality, visit the APA’s Online professional experts believe that Help Center at apa.org/helpcenter/ sexual orientation is not a choice sexual-orientation.aspx. but rather part of our human condition, like handedness.

Remember, everyone has a sexual orientation. There is more than one school of thought about why some

8 BE YOURSELF PFLAG.ORG I think I might be lesbian, If you think you’re LGB, try not to gay, or bisexual. How do I hide your feelings from yourself. know for sure? Yes, figuring out who you are can be stressful, emotional, and a little THE SHORT ANSWER: You’ll scary—you may not want to deal know when you know. It could with it—but taking some time alone take a while, and it’s OK to to think about how you feel is the first remain unsure. There’s no step toward accepting yourself. Give need to rush. yourself permission to explore your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. There are hundreds of different Remember, everyone is unique and ways to realize you are not straight. wonderful in their own way. Some LGB people say that from the time they were very young they just “felt different” or “just knew” they weren’t like their friends. Some How can I be sure of my didn’t share the same opposite-sex sexual orientation if I’m not grade-school crushes and some were sexually active? more interested in their same-sex classmates. THE SHORT ANSWER: You don’t need to have sex to People who are LGB often say it discover who you are. It is the took a while to put a name to their attraction that helps determine feelings. Once they learned what sexual orientation. being LGB was, it started to make sense to think about their own It’s important to know that you don’t sexual orientation in those terms. have to have had a sexual experience It fit with the to know that feelings they’d you’re lesbian, Since first realizing three gay, or bisexual. had while years ago that I am bisexual, Most people growing up. and coming out to most of my family and friends in the experience Many don’t begin intervening years, I have crushes when to think about grown tremendously as a they are quite their sexual person. I am on my way to young, before orientation until living a more authentic life. they become they’re teenagers - Lauren O., 24, Frisco, Texas sexually active. or adults. This Think about is completely your own past normal. We figure out our identities crushes: Your feelings and your in our own time—sometimes it takes emotional and physical attractions months, other times it takes decades. will help tell you who you are.

PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 9 I thought LGB people act a Remember: you don’t need to prove certain way. If I don’t fit the anything to anybody. Be yourself. stereotype, am I still LGB?

THE SHORT ANSWER: Ignore the stereotypes. Some I have a crush on my same- people fit them, some people sex best friend. Does this don’t. mean I’m LGB?

People who are LGB, like people SHORT ANSWER: Not who are straight, can act in many necessarily. different ways, and might or might not fit stereotypes. If you don’t fit Enjoying intimate experiences—like a common stereotype for an LGB cuddling, kissing, or holding hands— person, it doesn’t mean you’re not with someone of the same sex doesn’t really LGB—there is a wide range automatically mean you’re lesbian, of diversity within that community, gay, or bisexual, just as enjoying just as there is throughout every part intimate experiences with someone of of society. People use stereotypes the opposite sex doesn’t automatically to help them understand what mean you’re straight. to expect from certain groups of Many people develop crushes on people. However, some stereotypes someone of the same sex at some stem from a lack of experience with point in their lives, and we often the type of person in question or explore or identify with different from ignorance or prejudice, and gender roles and expectations are simply incorrect. For example, throughout our lives. Many you might hear that gay men aren’t LGB people have some sexual strong or athletic. Or that lesbians experiences with someone of the appear or act more masculine. But opposite sex, and many non-LGB these are stereotypes, and aren’t one- people have some same-sex sexual size-fits-all. Visit lgbthistorymonth. experiences. Those who enjoy such com for a searchable database of experiences with both sexes often LGB icons and note the diversity of identify as bisexual. However, the people listed there. sometimes it takes some trial and Bottom line: Don’t worry about the error to determine what we like and stereotypes, and don’t let labels define what we don’t like. you. There are as many different ways Think of sexuality as a range, or to express your LGB identity as there “sexual continuum.” At one end of are people in this world. the range are many people who are attracted only to the same sex. At

10 BE YOURSELF PFLAG.ORG the other end of the range are many person based on hurtful and often people who are attracted only to the unsupported stereotypes (see our opposite sex. And in between are answer to “I thought LGB people people who are attracted to both sexes act certain ways. If I don’t fit a in varying degrees. stereotype, am I still LGB?”).

Again, remember that our sexuality People sometimes joke about having develops over “gaydar,” a “radar” time. Don’t that senses who When I was a sophomore in worry if you is LGB. Figuring high school I realized that aren’t sure. Your my attraction to girls was out if someone early years are a stronger some ordinary is LGB if they’re time of learning, “girl crush.” I didn’t think not completely bit by bit, what I could be gay because I out is like figuring works for you, am very feminine. I love out if someone and crushes and fashion and makeup, and is interested in experimentation it was hard for me to push you: Sometimes are often part of past the stereotypes. you can tell, that process. Over - Rachel, 17, Highland Park, sometimes you time, you’ll find New Jersey can’t. It can be that you’re drawn an extremely mostly to men, women, or both—or frustrating and stressful process, neither!—and then you’ll know. You but it is part of getting to know the don’t have to label yourself. people around you. It takes time and sometimes more patience than you think you might have! I have a crush on someone at my school. How can I tell Asking your friends or theirs won’t if they’re LGB too? guarantee an accurate answer. And while you can casually observe THE SHORT ANSWER: them to try to find some clues—do You can’t definitely, without they have pro-LGBTQ+ stickers on asking—which presents its their backpack or locker? Are they own unique challenges. a member of the Gay-Straight or Gender-Sexuality Alliance (GSA) It’s impossible to know for sure at your school?—these things mean whether someone identifies as that they may be LGB, or they LGB just by looking at them. We may be a supportive ally. The only shouldn’t assume people are LGB way to find out someone’s sexual because of the way they look, orientation is to talk to them about dress, or act. Doing so would mean it directly. However, it’s extremely making assumptions about the important to respect another

PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 11 person’s privacy. They may not want It’s pretty common for people to to talk about it, could be upset that see the acronym ‘LGBTQ+’ and you asked them, or may not want to think it’s all about sex or sexual be recognized as LGB. As a general orientation. But it’s not! The rule, be very careful when asking ‘transgender’ portion of the acronym someone such a personal question represents gender identity and is unless you know them very well, completely separate from sexual and even then, be sensitive to the orientation and sexual behavior. other person’s privacy. Approach them the way you would want to be Many people think that all approached about the subject. transgender people or all people with expansive or creative gender Remember, you can’t expect someone expressions are lesbian, gay, or else to come to terms with their bisexual. They aren’t! sexual orientation any more quickly than you are coming to terms with In fact, just as each of us has a your own. But be patient. One day (if sexual orientation (straight, gay, it hasn’t happened already), someone bi, asexual, pansexual, etc.), we all will have a crush on you and they will have a gender identity and a way of be wondering whether you’re LGB or expressing it. Our gender identity straight (or neither!) too. is how we feel inside about being a girl, a boy, somewhere in between, or neither; our gender expression is GENDER IDENTITY/ how we dress and act to express or EXPRESSION communicate our gender outwardly (which may or may not correlate What’s the difference with our gender identity); and between sexual orientation, our sexual orientation describes gender identity, and gender to whom we are attracted. Sexual expression? orientation is separate and distinct from gender identity, and gender THE SHORT ANSWER: Every expression is separate and distinct person in the world has a sexual from both sexual orientation and orientation, gender identity, gender identity. and gender expression. One describes our sexual attractions; one describes our internal feeling or sense of being male, female, some combination of both, or neither; and one describes how we present ourselves outwardly to others. 12 BE YOURSELF PFLAG.ORG What’s the difference The words ‘transgender’ and between being transgender ‘transsexual’ do have one thing in and being transsexual? common: they are both adjectives (used to describe something) not THE SHORT ANSWER: nouns (used to identify something). Transsexual people often, but Just as you wouldn’t say someone not always, use medicine and is “gayed” or “straightened,” so surgery to help their bodies too you wouldn’t say someone match their gender identity, is, or has been, “transgendered.” while many transgender Saying “Alice is a person who is people do not. transgender” is correct—just like saying “Alice is blonde”—but saying The term ‘transgender’ describes “Alice is a transgender” or “Alice is a person’s gender identity that transgendered” is not. Using these does not necessarily match their adjectives as nouns or verbs is assigned sex at birth. This word is considered offensive, so avoid using also sometimes used as an umbrella them in those ways. term to describe groups of people who transcend conventional expectations of gender identity or When do transgender expression. ‘Transsexual’ is a lesser- people know that they are used term (considered by some to differently gendered? now be outdated) which refers to people who are transgender who THE SHORT ANSWER: use (or consider using) medical One’s sense of gender interventions such as hormone happens at different times for therapy and/or surgery as part different people. of the process of expressing their gender. Transgender people may or Many transgender people may not decide to alter their bodies remember “feeling different” from hormonally and/ their earliest or surgically “When I came out to my childhood to match parents as transgender, memories. But because of their gender it was after thought and stigma and lack identity. For full debate...I was tired of definitions of of information, hiding myself at home both terms, visit they can struggle the glossary at and pretending being for many years the back of this misgendered didn’t to accept this publication. bother me.”​ difference. As - Anonymous, 17, Madison, WI more information for transgender

PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 13 people becomes available, we are THE SHORT ANSWER: seeing transgender people openly Identifying as transgender versus expressing their true gender identifying as gender expansive, identity at younger ages. genderqueer, or other terms (see the glossary at the back of this book) are different things. The first relates to gender identity; What is the typical the latter more usually relates to transition process for gender expression. transgender people? Gender-expansive individuals THE SHORT ANSWER: are generally those whose gender There is no “typical” expression is different from the transition process, because societal expectations based on there are many different ways their assigned sex at birth. Just as to transition. with transgender people, gender- For transgender people, expansive people may or may transitioning means different not identify as transgender, male, things. For some, it means medical female, both, or neither. treatments, including use of Nonbinary people (sometimes hormones and gender-affirming called ‘enby’ or ‘genderqueer’) surgeries. For others, it means social identify outside of the gender transition, which might include binary of being either a man things such as choosing a new name or a woman. They may think or altering outward appearance of themselves as both man and with clothing or hairstyles. There woman, neither man nor woman, is also legal transition, which is moving between two genders, or as the process of changing names a third gender altogether. Refer to and gender markers on important the glossary at the back of this book legal documents such as a birth for more terminology. certificate, passport, or social security card. And for still others, it means a combination of some or all of the above. Aren’t there only two genders? What does it mean to be gender expansive or THE SHORT ANSWER: No. nonbinary, and how is that While we used to think of different from identifying gender as binary—masculine/ as transgender? man/male and feminine/ woman/female—we have come to learn that gender exists more

14 BE YOURSELF PFLAG.ORG on a spectrum. This is a new concept in the United States, but I think I might be many cultures recognize more transgender or gender than two genders and have for a expansive. How do I know long time. for sure?

In American Indian (AI) and Alaska THE SHORT ANSWER: Native (AN) communities, there You’ll know when you know. are Two Spirit individuals who It could take a while, and it identify as having both a male and a is okay to remain unsure. female essence or spirit. In India and There’s no need to rush. Bangladesh there is a third gender called “Hijra” that is neither male There are hundreds of different ways nor female. The Fa’afafine are a third to discover your internal sense of gender in Samoa. Learn more about gender and how you want to express how other cultures perceive gender your gender. Some people say that from this interactive map—and from the time they were very young supplementary materials—from PBS: they “felt different” or “just knew” http://www.pbs.org/independentlens/ they weren’t like their friends, content/two-spirits_map-html/. rejecting the stereotypical gender characteristics they There is a whole were “supposed” to range of identities I came out to everyone to be found on the at my school’s first-ever display. gender spectrum. GSA meeting…instead of giving my feminine birth Some transgender Throughout our name, I introduced myself or gender-expansive lives, we can as Elijah and admitted that experience and people say it took a I was trans. I remember while to put a name express our gender trembling with fear but in a variety of to their feelings—it everyone was brilliantly wasn’t until they ways. Our gender accepting. expression can learned what the - Anonymous, 16, terms meant that it change over time Olmsted Falls, Ohio as we have new made sense to think experiences and about their gender become aware of new ideas. identity and/or expression in those terms; it fit with the feelings they’d Remember, gender is a label created had while growing up. by people. Labels like gender are used to help us figure out what to expect Many other people don’t begin to from one another. They aren’t set in figure out their gender identity until stone, and there is no right or wrong they’re teenagers or adults. This is gender to have or express. completely normal. We figure out our identities in our own time—

PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 15 sometimes it takes months, other the American Psychological times it takes decades. Association says that it would be unethical to try to change a person’s As with sexuality, some people know sexual orientation. Often referred their gender identity from an early to as “conversion therapy” or age, and know that it doesn’t match “reparative therapy,” it is a harmful the “boy” or “girl” label they were practice that has been banned in assigned at birth. For others, gender numerous states, with even more identity develops and changes over states looking at bans. See the next time. If you feel that your gender page for more information. identity does not match up with the “boy” or “girl” label others assume you to have, it is completely normal to explore and learn about other Is being transgender a ways to express yourself. mental disorder?

Try not to hide your feelings from THE SHORT ANSWER: yourself. Yes, figuring out who you Absolutely not. are can be stressful, emotional, and a little scary—you may not want to Being transgender or gender deal with it—but taking some time expansive is not a disorder. It is alone to think about how you feel important to know, though, that in is the first step toward accepting July 2012, the American Psychiatric yourself. Give yourself permission to Association (APA) removed the explore your thoughts, feelings, and diagnostic term ‘gender identity emotions. Remember, everyone is disorder’ from the Diagnostic unique and perfect in their own way. and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) and replaced it with ‘gender dysphoria,’ in the new edition, published in May 2013. The MENTAL HEALTH DSM says that gender dysphoria can be diagnosed when a person’s Is being lesbian, gay, or gender identity/expression is different bisexual a mental disorder? from their assigned gender at birth and at the same time associated THE SHORT ANSWER: with “clinically significant distress Absolutely not. or impairment” in their social life, career, or other important areas of The American Psychiatric life. As a result of such distress, those Association declared in 1973 with untreated gender dysphoria that homosexuality is not a have a “significantly increased risk mental disorder or disease, and of suffering.” However, gender

16 BE YOURSELF PFLAG.ORG dysphoria narrows treatment to those Because sexual orientation and who experience distress over their gender identity are not chosen, you gender incongruity. cannot “change your mind” or “pray the gay away” if you are LGBTQ+. Therefore, gender dysphoria isn’t After all, did our non-LGBTQ+ about simply friends and loved being gender ones choose expansive. It I was raised in a Christian to be non- home, so homosexuality was has to do with LGBTQ+? These the absence off limits. I tried so hard to be straight, but it just didn’t feel measures have or presence of right. After having a boyfriend been proven to suffering and for three months, I just gave cause serious discomfort a up and came out. Now I have damage and person might a girlfriend and I am ecstatic. potentially dire feel if they are - Anonymous, 20, consequences unhappy or Bloomington, Indiana for the patients uncomfortable involved. with their gender identity or incongruity. As A few things to know: documented by empirical and clinical data, there are many transgender and ● In 1990, the American gender-expansive people who are Psychological Association very happy stated that scientific evidence and comfortable with their shows that so-called gender identity and don’t need or reparative therapy does not seek treatment. work, and that it can do more harm than good.

What about “ex-gay” ● In 1997, the American ministries and so-called Psychological Association “conversion therapy—can again publicly cautioned they help me? against this harmful practice, also known as “conversion THE SHORT ANSWER: No. therapy.” Not only do these measures— ● In 1998, the American like “pray the gay away”— Psychiatric Association stated not work, but also they are that “psychiatric literature likely to harm you. Every strongly demonstrates major mainstream medical, that treatment attempts to psychiatric, and psychological change sexual orientation association has denounced are ineffective. However, this type of so-called therapy. the potential risks are PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 17 great, including depression, The practice is deemed so harmful anxiety and self-destructive that there are now laws in many [suicidal] behavior.” states outlawing the practice for minors, with other states—and the ● The American Medical federal government—considering Association states in policy similar bills. Many PFLAG parents number H-160.991 that it have seen firsthand how damaging “opposes the use of ‘reparative’ the practice has been to their or ‘conversion’ therapy that is children. PFLAG members believe based upon the assumption that it is important to educate that homosexuality per se is a society based on scientific facts and mental disorder or based upon reputable professional opinions, the a priori assumption that not on the ideological and pseudo- the patient should change his/ scientific beliefs expressed by her homosexual orientation.” ex-gay ministries and advocates of reparative therapy. ● In 2001, the U.S. Surgeon General’s Call to Action to Knowing who these groups are and Promote Sexual Health the various names under which and Responsible Sexual they work is important. See the Behavior asserted that Resources section at the back of this homosexuality is not “a book for a list of some of them. reversible lifestyle choice.”

● In 2009, the American Psychological Association THE LGBTQ+ added a resolution stating COMMUNITY “mental health professionals should avoid telling clients I don’t see LGBTQ+ that they can change their people around me. Am I sexual orientation through the only LGBTQ+ person in therapy or other treatments,” my community? because there was no evidence that these efforts worked. THE SHORT ANSWER: No. You are definitely NOT the ● In 2013, Exodus only one; you are one of many. International—the world’s largest “ex-gay” ministry According to a study released organization—shut its doors, in by the Williams Institute, the its founder issuing an apology percentage of the adult population for the many harms their in the United States who identify methods caused over the years. as LGB is roughly 3.5%. And in

18 BE YOURSELF PFLAG.ORG 2016, another Williams Institute THE SHORT ANSWER: Yes, study showed that 0.6% of adults there are more and more in the United States, or 1.4 million resources for LGBTQ+ youth individuals, identify as transgender. of color and for others who have multiple identities (youth These LGBTQ+ people are a widely with disabilities, youth who diverse population: they’re white, are homeless, and others). black, Asian, Pacific-Islander, Latinx, Hispanic, and Native As an LGBTQ+ youth of color you American. They’re Jewish, Catholic, might face issues that affect how you Muslim, Christian, Sikh, Baptist, experience, act on, and come out Protestant, Hindu, Mormon, Baha’i, regarding your sexual orientation or and Buddhist. They’re old and gender identity—including cultural young, rich and poor, Democrat, and family traditions, access to Republican, resources, and Green Party and immigration independent. I’ve told only a few status. When They’re doctors people I’m asexual. I deciding whether and nurses, used to think there was to come out, something wrong with construction you might me, but my friends and workers, teachers my boyfriend are all worry about and students, supportive, and it’s great jeopardizing your secretaries, to know I’m not alone. relationships with ministers and - Kelly F., 21, Allentown, PA your family and rabbis, store friends in your clerks, mechanics, racial/ethnic business people, community, about police officers, politicians, and being accepted as a person of color athletes. And when they were in white LGBTQ+ groups, and about teenagers, most of them probably potential racism and ignorance that felt the same way you do. If you get you may find in some segments of the feeling you’re all by yourself, just the LGBTQ+ community. remember: thousands of people have gone through the journey you are However, there are people who undertaking. You are not alone! are LGBTQ+ in all communities and in all cultures, as well as an Sometimes I don’t see increasing number of resources myself reflected in the available for you and your family. LGBTQ+ community. Are For a list of resources for LGBTQ+ there resources for youth youth of color, please visit of color? safeschoolscoalition.org/RG-glbt_ youth_of_color.html.

PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 19 COMING OUT are real risks to coming out.

Should I come out? However, there are also very good reasons to let some people know THE SHORT ANSWER: Only that you’re LGBTQ+. Hiding your if you want to, and only when sexual orientation or gender identity you’re ready and feel safe to keeps the important people in your do so. Don’t come out just life from knowing about a big part of because someone else thinks you. By coming out you can live with you should. integrity in regard to your sexual orientation or gender identity, begin Think of yourself as a puzzle. building community support, and There are thousands of little pieces form healthy relationships. At some which make up who you are. Your point, many LGBTQ+ people find sexuality, gender identity, and gender that the loneliness and isolation of expression are just three parts of keeping a secret is worse than any that puzzle—but without them, your fear of coming out. picture would be incomplete. Whatever your reasons for thinking Realizing you’re LGBTQ+ doesn’t you should or shouldn’t come out, change who you are. It just fills in it’s your decision and no one else’s. some of the blanks. Now, you can It’s also one you should make at your choose to keep your personal picture own speed. to yourself. Or you can display it for others to see; it’s up to you.

You can come out, or disclose, to one How should I come out? person, to friends and family only, or to everyone you know. THE SHORT ANSWER: Start by coming out to yourself. There’s no reason to come out if you Then, choose those who are aren’t ready. Sometimes there are closest to you to tell first. very good reasons not to come out. There are people who won’t accept Before you come out to others, you if you’re LGBTQ+, people who you have to come out to yourself. will do and say terrible things. They It may sound strange, but it’s could be your parents, friends or actually very important. Knowing classmates, or teachers or coworkers, that you’re LGBTQ+ is one thing, people you love or depend on for but being comfortable with being financial help, companionship, LGBTQ+ and being sure of who encouragement, or other support. you are as a person is another. A lot Like any big decision we make, there of people have learned to say, “I’m

20 BE YOURSELF PFLAG.ORG not straight, and that’s OK!” as a more about who you are and what first step in the coming-out process. to expect when you come out. Let Remember, any step forward is a your friends and allies know that step in the right direction. you’re getting ready to come out so they can support you. There’s no standard or correct way to come out. Sometimes people A support system is important make a joke out of it, surprise when you’re coming out. You’ll their friends, or slip it into a casual want people around you who care conversation. Some kids decide to sit about you and will be there for you, their parents down and talk about it, whether it’s just to talk or to give while others feel you a hug when more comfortable you need one, writing their My friend and I were or to give you discussing David Tennant parents a letter a place to stay, from DR. WHO and I, then or an email. It all a closeted lesbian, said, if necessary. If depends on your “That man makes me you don’t feel relationship with question my sexuality.” The that you already your friends and friend asked, “Do you have have people like family, how you something to tell me?” as that, contact the communicate a joke, and I replied, “Yes,” nearest PFLAG best, and how you with a complete deadpan. chapter or one feel most safe. It was awesome. of the other - Anonymous, 16, groups listed at You may consider Germantown, Maryland the back of this becoming more publication. educated about sexual orientation and gender Should I come out to my identity before you come out. parent(s) or guardian(s) By doing so, you will be able to and how should I do it? respond to people who may have questions or wrong ideas about THE SHORT ANSWER: If LGBTQ+ topics. You’ll feel proud to you’re ready—and with care. know the facts if someone asks you a question or if you want to correct Many youth who are LGBTQ+ say someone’s incorrect information that their relationship with their about people who are LGBTQ+. parents was much closer after they Explore the resources listed at the came out because it was more back of this publication. By learning honest. They say it was a relief to about others’ experiences and feel like they weren’t keeping a talking about yourself, you’ll know secret any more.

PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 21 Sometimes a child doesn’t come out they’re upset with you? Have to their parents, but, rather, their they stuck by you even when parents discover that their children you’ve done something they at a much earlier age—sometimes didn’t like? as young as two or three years old—are expressing signs of gender ● Think about having a plan in creativity. For these children, they place if they don’t respond and their parents work through the well, including someone to process together. call right away if you need support. If you had to leave But it doesn’t always work that home, do you have a place way. Some teens are forced to leave to stay? If your parents cut home. Some parents are abusive. off financial support, do you And some family relationships have someone else who can never recover. help you?

Before you come out to your You’re the only one who can answer parents, there are some things for these questions. Weigh the balance you to consider: of “yes” and “no” responses when you’re thinking about coming out. ● Think about your parents’ Trust your gut. It’s almost always general reaction to LGBTQ+ frightening coming out to your people. Find out as much as parent(s) or guardian(s), but if you can by observing your you’re terrified about it, you should parents or asking indirect pay attention to that. Not all parents questions. Do they have will be accepting. friends who are LGBTQ+? Do they read books or go to If your answer to all or most of movies that include same- the questions above is “no,” do not sex relationships? Is their come out to your parents until you faith community accepting have a safe place to go to and a way of people who are LGBTQ+? to support yourself. You might be Have you heard them say better off waiting until you’re on that there’s nothing wrong your own. If your answer to all or with being lesbian, gay, most of these questions is “yes,” bisexual, transgender, gender then it’s probably safe to tell them. expansive, or queer? If you decide you can and want to ● Think about your tell your parent(s), think about how relationship with your you can make it easiest on them parents. Have they shown and yourself. that they love you even when

22 BE YOURSELF PFLAG.ORG ● Pick a time when your about having an LGB child parents are relaxed and not and includes a list of related pressured by work, family resources that will help your worries, or the holidays. parents in their own journey. Otherwise, they might react negatively Our Trans because they When I came out to my Loved Ones. feel they don’t parents, my mother cried. This publication have the time She cried because she is available for to deal with it. could no longer officiate you and your my wedding ceremony parents if you ● Visit pflag. which had been a dream identify as of hers since I was a child. org/find to transgender locate your She would be defrocked if she attempted to officiate. or gender local PFLAG - Meg B., 22, Westerville, Ohio expansive. chapter and speak to a Most of all: be parent who can talk with prepared for your parents to need you about how your parents some time to accept your being might react. This firsthand LGBTQ+—just as you probably support is invaluable. Be sure needed some to ask that parent if you can time yourself. have permission to put your own parents in touch with Even if they’re accepting of LGBTQ+ them, should they need that people in general, your parents may support. be surprised to learn that you are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender. ● Visit our publications page at They may not want to believe it at pflag.org/publications. There first and may need time to adjust you will have access to two to a different future than they had helpful publications, both envisioned for you. In the extreme, free for download. We highly they may talk about bringing in a recommend printing out psychiatrist to “cure” you. the appropriate publication to give to your parents or Before the psychological and family members: psychiatric associations concluded that being LGBTQ+ is perfectly Our Children. One of our OK, there were a lot of theories most popular publications, blaming parents for playing a role this booklet answers several in influencing their child’s sexual commonly asked questions orientation and gender identity. As a result of such theories, your

PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 23 parents may worry about what you people with whom they can talk. being LGBTQ+ says about them. The more homework you’ve done, They may worry whether they have and the more self-assured you failed you in some way as parents, seem, the more you’ll convince and that worry can come out as your parents that you’re ready to anger and defensiveness. take responsibility for yourself, and they may worry less. Ultimately, Your parents could also feel that the more support you—and they— you’ve rejected them or their way of have, the better. life by being LGBTQ+, or that you’ve somehow changed their dreams for you. This feeling of rejection is very common among parents of all teens, I can’t come out to my as teens becomes more independent parent(s) or guardians(s). and parents have to let go of their Whom should I tell? image of who or what their child will be. Parents of children who THE SHORT ANSWER: are LGBTQ+ might feel this sense If not your parent(s) or of loss and rejection even more guardian(s), tell only those strongly. people whom you want to know and whom you have Even if they don’t have those reason to trust. reactions, your parents are probably going to feel worried about you. Coming out isn’t something that In fact, they may have some of the you do once, and then it’s over. same worries you once had or still You might decide to come out now do have: whether this will put you to family members and later to in danger, whether your life will be friends, or the other way around. happy, whether you’ll have a family Or perhaps you could come out to a of your own. These concerns can sibling now, and later to the rest of cause them to ignore or deny what the family and your friends. you’ve told them. If you are transgender or gender They may worry about how they’re expansive, some people—including going to tell other family members your teachers, principal, and and their friends. Before they do, classmates—might be uncomfortable it is important that they have your with how you publicly express permission to come out about you yourself, especially if it challenges to others. That’s right: when you people’s sense of how they believe come out, your parents will start a women and men are supposed to coming-out process of their own. dress and act. How you express your And the best thing you can do is gender is something to think about, be ready with answers—or suggest discuss with people you trust, and 24 BE YOURSELF PFLAG.ORG evaluate in terms of your safety and Think about what kinds of things what kind of community you have to you’ve been able to share with support you. them in the past and how they have reacted. If you want to come out The people you tell first should be to someone in particular, and you the ones you trust the most. You aren’t sure how they’ll react, try to need to be able to trust them not to feel them out first. You could get hurt you, to accept you for who you them talking about a current event, are, and to respect your privacy and book, movie, or TV show about not tell anyone you don’t want told. people who are LGBTQ+.

Think about Keep in mind that Lucky to be from a family what you could someone’s reaction lose by telling of free thinkers, coming out to my parents was to an LGBTQ+ a particular easy. What was not so easy person in a movie person. If it’s was losing friends I trusted. might not be the a friend, are But for every friend I lost same as it would be they likely to all those years ago, I’m if that person were withdraw from fortunate to have two in their sibling or you? Would they their place that understand their friend. And tell other kids and cherish me for who I it can work both at school? What am. ways: people might would happen - Wain S., 21, Casper, Wyoming seem either more if they did? or less prejudiced Do you have a in a hypothetical or support system to help you if this is fictional situation than they would the case? Having a strong support when responding to someone close network is critical as you start the to them. coming out process. The resources at the back of this publication— For example, because homophobia, including your local PFLAG biphobia, and transphobia are so chapter—are a great place to start! common, a friend or a loved one might without thinking joke about Think also about what you could an LGBTQ+ character in a movie— lose by not telling a particular or might do so because they think person. Is your relationship with you expect that—but show far your friend strained because you’re more thoughtfulness and a desire keeping a secret from them? Would to understand when responding you be closer with them and be to your coming out. On the other able to get more support from them hand, friends and loved ones if they understood why you were who seem accepting of LGBTQ+ acting withdrawn? characters in the media might be

PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 25 far less accepting of someone close against those who aren’t or who to them who identifies as LGBTQ+. don’t appear to be. That assumption has begun to change, but it is still To get a sense of how someone real for many people. might react to your being LGBTQ+, try to keep your questions specific, Our society also has assumptions personal, and thought provoking. about what it means to be a boy or If, for example, you have a friend girl or a man or woman and may who has an older brother off at judge others by how they conform college or in the military, you to those preconceptions. These are could say something like, “I’ve called “traditional gender roles” or been reading about gay-straight “gender stereotypes,” and they refer alliances on college campuses” or to how people are “supposed” to “I’ve been reading about marriage behave. These biases are changing equality for people who are gay and too—women in the workforce have lesbian. Would you be upset if your transformed perceptions about the brother came home and told you professions they “should” be in, for he was gay?” (Your friend might example. But roles remain rigid in even surprise you and answer, “My many places. Men with long hair are brother is gay.”) more accepted now than in the past, but having long hair is not seen as acceptable in all areas of our culture.

Will people accept me after The prejudice you run into could be I come out? fairly mild. For example, someone assuming you’re straight and THE SHORT ANSWER: thereby embarrassing you (and Some people will accept you themselves). Or it could be far more and some won’t. serious: people who are LGBTQ+ are sometimes kicked out of their Prejudice and discrimination are homes, fired from their jobs—or everywhere in America and around worse—just for being LGBTQ+. the world and it takes time to overcome bias and change attitudes. Anti-LGBTQ+ biases are being challenged, however, as more and If you are LGBTQ+, it is more more people are getting to know likely than not that you will run people who are LGBTQ+, because into prejudice. Our society has a more of them are out than ever “straight assumption.” We’re taught before. Attitudes are also changing by our families, our schools, our because other people are standing religions, and the media to assume up with the LGBTQ+ community that everyone is straight, which to say, “They are my friends,” “they often influences us to discriminate are my colleagues,” or “they are 26 BE YOURSELF PFLAG.ORG my neighbors”—and “I’m proud to hurt you. of them.” We call these supportive individuals “allies.” Some friends will be supportive right away. One or two friends Right now in the might have already U.S., it is estimated guessed that I came out as a lesbian to that eight in ten my sister, and it was easy. you’re not straight people say that I came out as a lesbian or that you are they personally to my mother, and it was transgender, and know someone okay. I came out as a you may find that who is LGBTQ+. lesbian to my father, and it you already have If you choose to was difficult. I came out as LGBTQ+ friends come out, you’ll a lesbian to my friends, and and didn’t know it. be part of making it was near impossible. that number - Anonymous, 16 Just as with your Hayle, Cornwall, United Kingdom even bigger, parents, consider giving people the how each friend is opportunity to get to know you, and likely to feel when they learn that transforming biased beliefs to ones you are LGBTQ+, and how you of acceptance. can let them see that you haven’t changed as a person; offering them some of the resources listed in the back of this publication can help. Will I lose my non-LGBTQ+ friends? Where will I find Talking to friends who are LGBTQ+ friends? LGBTQ+ about their coming-out experiences can also help. Finding THE SHORT ANSWER: To new friends who are LGBTQ+ is the first question—probably really important. These are people not. And to the second— who know exactly what you’re everywhere. going through because they’ve been there, or are in the process of It is usually easier to be close coming out themselves. to someone who is not hiding anything and is comfortable with LGBTQ+ youth organizations are a themselves. good place to start because you won’t have to try to figure out whether When coming out, though, be another teen there is LGBTQ+ or an careful to trust only those who ally. Most major cities have LGBTQ+ you are confident will respect your youth organizations where you’ll privacy and confidentiality. Friends be able to meet people easily. You’ll who tend to gossip can cause find new friends with whom you problems, even if they don’t mean can share experiences and support,

PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 27 and learn more about yourself. Your Can I have a family of school might have a Gay-Straight my own? or Gender-Sexuality Alliance (GSA), and GSAs almost always THE SHORT ANSWER: Yes. have a supportive teacher or staff member as a sponsor. This is another Throughout the world, same-sex excellent place to find not only peer couples form and build long-lasting support but also a families. And trusted adult. now, in many Close friends were a very places, they can If you’re in a small important and helpful marry. As of support network. By town or in a rural June 26, 2015, surrounding myself with area, it may be positive people, allies and marriage equality harder to find volunteering with LGBT has been the groups like these. organizations I found law of the land In that case, you comfort and confidence. in all 50 states, can get in touch - Lauren M., 22, Phoenix, Arizona Washington, with peers through D.C., as well as the websites and all U.S. territories hotlines listed in the back of this except American Samoa, since publication. The organizations in the U.S. Supreme Court ruled the resource directory can also that state-level bans on same-sex help you find more specific groups, marriage are unconstitutional. such as organizations for LGBTQ+ As of September 2017, same-sex people who are African American, marriage is legally recognized Arab, Asian-Pacific Islander, or in Argentina, Belgium, Brazil, Latinx, or support groups for Canada, Colombia, Denmark, LGBTQ+ people who are differently Finland, France, Iceland, Ireland, abled. Luxembourg, Malta, Mexico, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Even if it seems to you that you must Norway, Portugal, South Africa, be the only LGBTQ+ person at your Spain, Sweden, the United school, you aren’t.There are other Kingdom, and Uruguay. LGBTQ+ students at your school whom you might already know (but A record number of companies, not know that they’re LGBTQ+) or including a majority of companies whom you might not yet have met. in the Fortune 500, treated same- Remember this the next time you sex partners the same as married may feel alone. couples and provided health-care coverage and other benefits for their LGBTQ+ employees’ partners.

28 BE YOURSELF PFLAG.ORG Now that same-sex marriage is I feel so alone, are there legal in the United States, same-sex people I can talk to? married couples are legally afforded the same benefits as opposite-sex THE SHORT ANSWER: You married couples. aren’t alone. There are people out there who are ready to help. Many same-sex couples have children. Some couples and First and foremost, if you have individuals have used assisted any thoughts of self-harm, reproduction in order to conceive turn immediately to the front a child. Other LGBTQ+ people inside cover of this book for a are raising children from previous list of helpline numbers that opposite-sex relationships on their you can call. own or with their new partners. As people become more educated The best thing you can do is find and society’s attitudes continue someone to talk to whom you can to change, adoption of children by trust. Maybe it is an individual you LGBTQ+ couples is becoming more already know—a friend, parent, common. An estimated 110,000 sibling, or a friend’s parent or older adopted children live with LGBTQ+ sibling. Maybe it’s an adult to whom couples, and an additional two you have confided in the past and million same-sex couples say they whom you know you can trust again. would be interested in adopting a child at some point in their lives. If you don’t know anyone with whom you’re comfortable talking While there are still many legal and who will be supportive and and legislative challenges for understanding, start by calling same-sex couples, LGBTQ+ people one of the helpline numbers throughout the world are living or online help sections of the with partners or spouses in happy, organizations listed in the back of healthy, and thriving relationships this publication. You don’t have to and families. They also play a give your name, and they won’t try tremendous role in helping create a to talk you into or out of anything. society in which these relationships receive support If you don’t feel ready to talk with to thrive. someone on the phone, you can learn more by reading resources and information from other youth on some of the websites listed

PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 29 at the end of this publication. STAYING SAFE Many organizations provide email addresses to which you can send What if I’m harassed at questions confidentially. Others school? have live chat support. Please remember to use good judgment THE SHORT ANSWER: when making any contacts, whether You do not have to tolerate on the phone, online, or in person. harassment at school; there Your safety and well-being should are many resources—and always be your top priority. people—available to help you.

One of the best places to find support School can challenging for is at a PFLAG chapter meeting. LGBTQ+ youth, who might hear PFLAG has nearly 400 chapters jokes and insults on a regular basis across the country, and can provide not only from other students, but you—in confidence—educational sometimes from teachers or school materials as well as a listing of youth employees as well. Some people resources in your community. who are LGBTQ+ are physically assaulted at school or by classmates Start by visiting pflag.org/find to off school property. For transgender find the chapter nearest you. You youth, most schools do not have can also reach out to us on social dress codes, bathrooms, locker media, via our website, or by phone. rooms, or gym classes that meet Visit the inside front cover of this their needs. Many schools also do publication for all of our contact not have inclusive policies for trans information. athletes.

Whatever you choose, talking Regardless of your sexual does help. Talking to others and orientation, gender identity or being open and honest can be an expression, you have the right to affirming way for you to connect a safe learning environment, and with your own feelings, connect there are lots of resources available with others in your life, and to help you and your parent(s) connect with those in vibrant and or guardian(s) create such an diverse LGBTQ+ communities. environment. One of PFLAG’s top And best of all, you’ll learn that priorities is to help students, parents, you’re really not alone. guardians, and educators create safe and affirming schools. To learn more about safe-schools programs available through a chapter near you, please visit pflag.org/safeschools.

30 BE YOURSELF PFLAG.ORG What if I’m harassed outside of school? If you are being harassed by your peers or finding barriers to being THE SHORT ANSWER: yourself at school, try talking to a Harassment outside of school supportive teacher or staff member should be reported to the local or to someone else in your life who police or to an adult you trust. can listen and give you support. If you are harassed, assaulted, or Ask to see your school’s harassment, victimized in any way because of bullying, and discrimination your sexual orientation or gender policies. Many states have laws that identity or expression, contact your require schools to respond to reports local police or tell a trusted adult of bullying and harassment. In other as soon as possible. You may have places, courts are been the victim of holding schools a hate crime. responsible for When I was in 8th grade, I was outed, endured failing to provide Hate crimes occur bullying, and became remedies to anti- depressed. My mom when someone LGBTQ+ bullying really struggled with my targets another and harassment. sexuality for years. Finally, person based on a You do not need through a lot of struggle, characteristic they to endure this I accepted it and so did have or a group treatment from she. Five years later, I am a they belong to, like anyone. strong and proud member being LGBTQ+ or of the LGBT community being a member If you are not and my mom started of a certain race. getting support working for the PFLAG in In America, any our state. at school and are violent assault looking for help, - Magdalen S., 17, Fenton, Michigan against an you can contact LGBTQ+ person PFLAG or one of because of their the other organizations listed in the sexuality or gender identity can be back of this publication. considered a federal crime. This is part of the Matthew Shepard Visit pflag.org/safeschools and and James Byrd, Jr., Hate Crimes pflag.org/claimyourrights for more Prevention Act, which was passed information and safe school resources. into law in 2009.

PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 31 Many states have their own hate While harassment and cyberbullying crime laws which protect their do not always elevate to the level of a citizens. Even if your state doesn’t hate crime, they are just as potentially protect against crimes committed detrimental and dangerous. due to sexual orientation and gender identity/expression bias, you can still Do I need to worry about file a police report and seek justice. HIV and AIDS?

If what happened to you wasn’t THE SHORT ANSWER: exactly a crime, but it made you Everybody needs to be feel threatened, you can still file an informed about HIV incident report at your local police and AIDS. station. It’s very important to tell the police what happened—imagine HIV (human immunodeficiency if the people who tried to hurt you virus) is the virus that causes AIDS try to hurt you again, or try to hurt (acquired immunodeficiency another person in town. The police syndrome). Unlike some viruses, have a sworn duty to protect you, HIV cannot be eliminated by the your friends, and your family, no human body: as of now, once matter who you are. you have HIV, you have it for life. Doctors, researchers, activists, According to the National Crime and others around the world are Prevention Council, cyber bullying working hard to find one, but there is using the Internet, cell phones, is still no cure for HIV/AIDS. video game systems, or other Improved treatments, however, technology to send or post text are increasingly alleviating the or images intended to harm or symptoms and prolonging life. embarrass another person. If you are at any time harassed, threatened, Since the onset of the HIV/AIDS taunted, or teased via technology— epidemic, many people have viewed no matter where you are—it is HIV/AIDS as strictly a gay issue. The important to contact a trusted adult LGBTQ+ community—including or authority as soon as possible. PFLAG’s founders and first leaders— mobilized early in the epidemic to Remember: You are not alone, organize a response. This response and there are people ready to help. included educating communities, Visit pflag.org/claimyourrights for increasing LGBTQ+ visibility more information. Additionally, the to reduce stigma, developing Resources section of this publication prevention strategies, and will help you find organizations that advocating for appropriate care and can provide assistance. treatment options for people living with HIV/AIDS. Yet the epidemic

32 BE YOURSELF PFLAG.ORG has continued to progress and take AIDS. Certain sexual behaviors, IV its toll on many diverse communities drug use, and other factors can put globally. Still, despite overwhelming one at risk for becoming infected statistics documenting the spread of with HIV as well as other sexually HIV/AIDS in other communities, transmitted infections (STIs). many people still choose to view HIV/AIDS as only a gay issue. Visit For the most up-to-date information cdc.gov/hiv/basics/transmission. on HIV/AIDS, including high-risk html for a comprehensive list of how behaviors, testing, treatment, and HIV/AIDS is spread. more, visits the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s HIV/AIDS The fact is that being LGBTQ+ does website at cdc.gov/hiv/. not infect a person with HIV or

PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 33 PFLAG NATIONAL GLOSSARY

AFAB: Acronym meaning Assigned who does not experience sexual Female at Birth. AFAB people may attraction. Each asexual person or may not identify as female some experiences relationships, attraction, or all of the time. and arousal differently. Asexuality is distinct from celibacy or sexual Affirmed Gender: An individual’s abstinence, which are chosen be- true gender, as opposed to their haviors, in that asexuality is a sexual gender assigned at birth. This term orientation that does not necessarily should replace terms like new gender entail either of those behaviors. or chosen gender, which imply that Sometimes abbreviated as ace. an individual’s gender was chosen. Assigned Sex: The sex that is Agender: Refers to a person who assigned to an infant at birth based does not identify with any gender. on the child’s visible sex organs, in- Ally: A term used to describe some- cluding genitalia and other physical one who is supportive of LGBTQ+ characteristics. individuals and the community, either Assigned Gender: The gender that personally or as an advocate. Allies is assigned to an infant at birth, include both heterosexual and cisgen- which may or may not align with der people who adovocate for equality their sex at birth. in partnership with LGBTQ+ people, as well as those who are LGBTQ+ Assumed Gender: The gender who are supportive of other identities others assume an individual to be within the community. based on the sex and gender they are assigned at birth, as well as apparent AMAB: Acronym meaning As- societal gender markers and expec- signed Male at Birth. AMAB people may or may not identify as male tations, such as physical attributes some or all of the time. (See Gender) and expressed characteristics.

Androgynous: Having elements of Binding: The process of tightly both femininity and masculinity. An wrapping one’s chest in order to androgynous individual, whether minimize the appearance of having expressed through sex, gender iden- breasts, often by using a binder. tity, gender expression, or sexual ori- Biological Sex: Refers to anatomical, entation, is known as an androgyne. physiological, genetic, or physical Aromantic: Refers to an individual attributes that determine if a person who does not experience romantic at- is male, female, or intersex. These traction. Sometime abbreviated as aro. include both primary and secondary sex characteristics, including genita- Asexual: Refers to an individual lia, gonads, hormone levels, hor-

34 BE YOURSELF PFLAG.ORG mone receptors, chromosomes, and transgender/gender-expansive, or genes. Often also referred to as “sex,” queer identity within themselves first, “physical sex,” “anatomical sex,” or and then might choose to reveal it specifically as “sex assigned at birth.” to others. There are many different Sex is often conflated or interchanged degrees of being out: Some may be with gender, which is more social out to friends only, some may be out than biological, and involves personal publicly, and some may be out only to identity factors as well. themselves. It’s important to remem- ber that coming out is an incredibly Bisexual: Refers to an individual personal and transformative expe- who has the capacity for attraction— rience. Not everyone is in the same sexually, romantically, emotionally, place when it comes to being out, or otherwise—to people with the and it is critical to respect where each same, and to people with different, person is in that process of self-iden- genders and/or gender identities tification. It is up to each person, as themselves. People who identi- individually, to decide if and when to fy as bisexual need not have had come out or disclose. equal experience—or equal levels of attraction—with people across gen- Demiromantic: Used to describe an ders, nor any experience at all: it is individual who experiences roman- attraction and self-identification that tic attraction after a sexual connec- determine orientation. Sometimes tion is formed. referred to as bi or bi+. Demisexual: Used to describe an Cisgender: Refers to an individual individual who experiences sexual whose gender identity aligns with attraction after an emotional con- the one typically associated with the nection is formed. sex assigned to them at birth. Disclosure: A word that some peo- Closeted: Describes a person who is ple use to describe the act or process not open about their sexual orienta- of revealing one’s transgender or tion or gender identity. gender-expansive identity to another person in a specific instance. Some Coming Out: For people who are les- find the term offensive, implying bian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and the need to disclose something queer, the process of self-identifying shameful, and prefer to use the term and self-acceptance that continues coming out, whereas others find throughout one’s life, and the sharing coming out offensive, and prefer to of their identity with others. Some- use disclosure. times referred to as disclosing (see Disclosure below). Individuals often FTM/F2M: A trans male/masculine recognize a lesbian, gay, bisexual, person assigned female at birth.

PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 35 FTX/F2X: A genderqueer or gender Gender Dysphoria: The distress expansive person who was assigned caused when a person’s assigned sex female at birth. at birth and assumed gender is not the same as the one with which they Gay: The adjective used to describe identify. According to the American people who are emotionally, roman- Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic tically, and/or physically attracted to and Statistical Manual of Mental people of the same gender (e.g., gay Disorders (DSMV), the term “...is man, gay people). In contemporary intended to better characterize the contexts, lesbian is often a preferred experiences of affected children, term for women, though many adolescents, and adults.” women use the term gay to describe themselves. People who are gay need Gender Expansive: An umbrella not have had any sexual experience; term sometimes used to describe it is the attraction and self-identifi- people that expand notions of gen- cation that determine orientation. der expression and identity beyond what is perceived as the expected Gender: A set of social, psychological, gender norms for their society or and/or emotional traits, often influ- context. Some gender-expansive enced by societal expectations, that individuals identify as a man or a classify an individual along a spec- women, some identify as neither, trum of man, woman, both, or neither. and others identify as a mix of both. Gender-expansive people Gender-Affirming Surgery (GAS): feel that they exist psychologically Surgical procedures that can help between genders, as on a spectrum, people adjust their bodies to more or beyond the notion of the man/ closely match their innate gender woman binary paradigm, and identity. Not every transgender sometimes prefer using gender-neu- person will desire or have resources tral pronouns (see Personal Gender for surgery. This term should be Pronouns). They may or may not used in place of the older term sex be comfortable with their bodies change. Also sometimes referred to as they are, regardless of how they as sexual reassignment surgery (or express their gender. SRS), genital reconstruction surgery, or medical transition. Gender Expression: The manner in which a person communicates about Gender Binary: The disproven con- gender to others through external cept that there are only two genders, means such as clothing, appearance, man and woman, and that everyone or mannerisms. This communica- must be one or the other. Also implies tion may be conscious or subcon- that gender is biologically determined. scious and may or may not reflect their gender identity or sexual

36 BE YOURSELF PFLAG.ORG orientation. While most people’s un- correspondence is being sent. Mx derstandings of gender expressions is the most commonly used gen- relate to masculinity and femininity, der-neutral salutation (e.g. “Dear there are countless combinations Mx. Smith…”). that may incorporate both mascu- line and feminine expressions—or Gender Nonconforming: An out- neither—through androgynous dated term used to describe those expressions. An individual’s gender who view their gender identity expression does not automatically as one of many possible genders imply one’s gender identity. beyond strictly man or woman. More current terms include gender Genderfluid: Describes a person expansive, differently gendered, who does not consistently identify gender creative, gender variant, with one fixed gender, and who may genderqueer, nonbinary, agender, move between gender identities. gender fluid, gender neutral, bigen- der, androgynous, or gender diverse. Gender Identity: One’s deeply held PFLAG National uses the term core sense of being a woman, man, gender expansive. some of both, or neither. One’s gender identity does not always cor- Genderqueer: Refers to individuals respond to biological sex. Awareness who identify as a combination of of gender identity is usually experi- man and woman, neither man or enced as early as 18 months old. woman, or both man and woman, or someone who rejects commonly Gender Neutral: Not gendered. held ideas of static gender identities Can refer to language (including and, occasionally, sexual orien- pronouns and salutations/titles—see tations. Is sometimes used as an Gender-neutral salutations or titles), umbrella term in much the same spaces (like bathrooms), or identities way that the term ‘queer’ is used, but (being genderqueer, for example). only referring to gender, and thus should only be used when self-iden- Gender-Neutral Salutations or tifying or quoting someone who Titles: A salutation or title that self-identifies as genderqueer. doesn’t identify the gender of the person being addressed in a formal Gender Socialization: The process communication or introduction. by which an individual is taught and Also used for persons who do not influenced on how they should identify as a binary gender, ad- behave as a man or a woman. Parents, dressing someone where the gender teachers, peers, media, and books is unknown, or if the correspon- are some of the many agents of dence-sender is unsure of the gender socialization. gender of the person to whom the

PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 37 Gender Spectrum: The concept that Homosexual: An outdated clinical gender exists beyond a simple man/ term often considered derogatory woman binary model, but instead and offensive, as opposed to the gen- exists on a continuum. Some people erally preferred terms gay, lesbian, fall towards more masculine or more or queer. feminine aspects, some people move fluidly along the spectrum, and some Intersex/Differences of Sexual De- identify off the spectrum entirely. velopment (DSD): Refers to individ- uals born with ambiguous genitalia Gender Variant: A term, often or bodies that appear neither typically used by the medical community, to male nor female, often arising from describe individuals who dress, be- chromosomal anomalies or ambigu- have, or express themselves in a way ous genitalia. Medical professionals that does not conform to dominant often assign a gender to the individual gender norms. (See gender expan- and proceed to perform surgeries to sive.) People outside the medical ‘align’ their physical appearance with community tend to avoid this term typical male or female sex character- because they feel it suggests these istics beginning in infancy and often identities are abnormal, preferring continuing into adolescence, before a terms such as gender expansive and child is able to give informed consent. gender creative. The Intersex Society of North America opposes this practice of genital Heteronormativity: The assumption mutilation on infants and children. that everyone is heterosexual and Formerly the medical terms her- that heterosexuality is superior to all maphrodite and pseudo-hermaphro- other sexualities. dite were used; these terms are now considered neither acceptable nor Heterosexual: Refers to a person scientifically accurate. who is emotionally, romantically, and/or physically attracted to a per- Latinx: An inclusive, gender-neutral son of the opposite gender term, sometimes used in place of the gendered, binary terms Latino or Homophobia: An aversion to lesbi- Latina, used to describe a person of an or gay people that often manifests Latin-American origin or descent. itself in the form of prejudice and bias. Similarly, biphobia is an aver- Lesbian: Refers to a woman who is sion people who are bisexual, and emotionally, romantically, and/or transphobia is an aversion to people physically attracted to other wom- who are transgender. Collectively, en. People who are lesbians need these attitudes are referred to as not have had any sexual experience; anti-LGBTQ+ bias. it is the attraction that helps deter- mine orientation.

38 BE YOURSELF PFLAG.ORG LGBTQ+: An acronym that collec- MTX: A genderqueer or gender tively refers to individuals who are expansive person who was assigned lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, male at birth. or queer. It is sometimes stated as LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, and Nonbinary: Refers to individuals transgender) or GLBT (gay, les- who identify as neither man or bian, bisexual, and transgender). woman, both man and woman, or The addition of the Q for queer is a a combination of man or woman. It more recently preferred version of is an identity term which some use the acronym as cultural opinions of exclusively, while others may use the term focus increasingly on its it interchangeably with terms like positive, reclaimed definition, which genderqueer, gender creative, gender recognizes more fluid identities; and noncomforming, gender diverse, or as a move towards greater inclusivity gender expansive. Individuals who for gender-expansive people (see identify as nonbinary may under- Queer below). The Q can also stand stand the identity as falling under for questioning, referring to those the transgender umbrella, and may who are still exploring their own thus identify as transgender. Some- sexuality and/or gender. The “+” times abbreviated as NB or Enby. represents those who are part of the Out: Generally describes people community, but for whom LGBTQ who openly self-identify as LGBTQ+ does not accurately capture or reflect in their private, public, and/or pro- their identity. fessional lives. Some people who are Lifestyle: A negative term often transgender prefer to use the term incorrectly used to describe the lives disclose (defined above). of people who are LGBTQ+. The Outing: The deliberate or accidental term is disliked because it implies sharing of another person’s sexual that being LGBTQ+ is a choice. orientation, gender identity, or gen- Misgender: To refer to someone, der expression without their explicit especially a transgender or gen- consent. Outing is considered disre- der-expansive person, using a word, spectful and a potentially dangerous especially a pronoun or form of ad- act for LGBTQ+ individuals. dress, which does not correctly reflect Pansexual: Refers to a person whose the gender with which they identify. emotional, romantic, and/or physi- MTF: A trans female/trans feminine cal attraction is to people inclusive person who was assigned male at of all genders and biological sexes. birth. Often considered an over medi- People who are pansexual need not calized and somewhat outdated term. have had any sexual experience; it is the attraction and self-identification that determines the orientation.

PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 39 Personal Gender Pronouns: A Questioning: Describes those who are personal gender pronoun, or PGP— in a process of discovery and explo- sometimes called proper gender ration about their sexual orientation, pronoun—is the pronoun or set of gender identity, gender expression, pronouns that an individual per- or a combination thereof. For many sonally uses and would like others reasons this may happen later in life to use when talking to or about that and does not imply that someone is individual. In English, the singular choosing to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, pronouns that we use most frequent- transgender, and/or queer. ly are gendered, so some individuals may prefer that you use gender Same-Gender Loving: A term neutral or gender-inclusive pronouns sometimes used by some members when talking to or about them. In of the African-American/Black English, individual use they and their community to express an alternative as gender-neutral singular pronouns. sexual orientation (gay/bisexual) Others use ze (sometimes spelled without relying on terms and sym- zie) and hir/zir or the pronouns xe bols of European descent. and xer. Replaces the term Preferred Sexual Orientation: Emotional, Gender Pronoun, which incorrectly romantic, or sexual feelings toward implies that their use is optional. other people. While sexual behavior Queer: A term used by some people involves the choices one makes in to describe themselves and/or their acting on one’s sexual orientation, community. Reclaimed from its sexual orientation is part of the hu- earlier negative use, the term is man condition, one’s sexual activity valued by some for its defiance, by does not define one’s sexual orienta- some because it can be inclusive of tion; typically, it is the attraction that the entire community, and by others helps determine orientation. who find it to be an appropriate Stealth: A term used to describe term to describe their more fluid transgender or gender-expansive identities. Traditionally a negative or individuals who do not disclose their pejorative term for people who are transgender or gender-expansive gay, queer is still sometimes disliked status in their public or private lives within the LGBTQ+ community. (or certain aspects of their public and Due to its varying meanings, this private lives). The term is increasingly word should only be used when considered offensive by some as it self-identifying or quoting someone implies an element of deception. The who self-identifies as queer (i.e. “My phrase maintaining privacy is often cousin identifies as queer”). used instead, though some individu- als use both terms interchangeably.

40 BE YOURSELF PFLAG.ORG Transgender: Often shortened to cial, legal, and/or medical transition; trans. A term describing a per- the self-identification itself is what son’s gender identity that does not validates the gender identity. necessarily match their assigned sex at birth. Transgender people may or Transsexual: A less frequently may not decide to alter their bodies used—and sometimes misunder- hormonally and/or surgically to stood—term (considered by some match their gender identity. This to be outdated or possibly offensive, word is also used as an umbrella and others to be uniquely applica- term to describe groups of peo- ble to them) which refers to people ple who transcend conventional who use (or consider using) medical expectations of gender identity or interventions such as hormone ther- expression—such groups include, apy or gender-affirming surgeries but are not limited to, people who (GAS), also called sex reassignment identify as transsexual, genderqueer, surgery (SRS) (or a combination of gender variant, gender diverse, and the two) or pursue medical in- androgynous. See above for com- terventions as part of the process mon acronyms and terms including of expressing their gender. Some female to male (or FTM), male to people who identify as transsexual female (or MTF), assigned male at do not identify as transgender and birth (or AMAB), assigned female at vice versa. birth (or AFAB), genderqueer, and Two-Spirit: A term used within gender expansive. some American Indian (AI) and Transition: A term sometimes used Alaska Native (AN) communities to refer to the process—social, legal, to refer to a person who identifies and/or medical—one goes through to as having both a male and a female discover and/or affirm one’s gen- essence or spirit. The term--which der identity. This may, but does not was created in 1990 by a group of always, include taking hormones; AI/AN activists at an annual Native having surgeries; and changing LGBTQ conference--encompasses names, pronouns, identification sexual, cultural, gender, and spiritual documents, and more. Many individ- identities, and provides unifying, uals choose not to or are unable to positive, and encouraging language transition for a wide range of reasons that emphasizes reconnecting to both within and beyond their control. tribal traditions. (With thanks to The validity of an individual’s gender Northwest Portland Area Indian identity does not depend on any so- Health Board [NPAIHB].)

PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 41 RESOURCES

LGBTQ+ Support Genders & Sexualities Alliance Organizations: Network (GSA Network) gsanetwork.org The following list includes just a few of (415) 552-4229 the groups that may be able to provide you with information or services. GLAAD For resources by state, visit https:// glaad.org pflagnation.al/stateyouthresources. (323) 933-2240 Human Rights Campaign (HRC) Advocates For Youth hrc.org advocatesforyouth.org (202) 628-4160 (202) 419-3420 It Gets Better Ali Forney Center itgetsbetter.org aliforneycenter.org (212) 222-3427 Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund Bisexual Resource Center lambdalegal.org biresource.net (212) 809-8585 (617) 424-9595 Lavender Youth Recreation and COLAGE Information Center (LYRIC) A program of Family Equality lyric.org colage.org (415) 703-6150 (415) 861-5437 National Black Justice Coalition Family Equality nbjc.org familyequality.org (202) 319-1552 (617) 502-8700 National Center for Lesbian Rights GLSEN (NCLR) glsen.org nclrights.org (212) 727-0135 (415) 392-6257

42 BE YOURSELF PFLAG.ORG National Center for Transgender Knowing who they are and the Equality (NCTE) harm that they pose is critical. transequality.org (202) 903-0112 People for the American Way (pfaw. org) has a resource center that lists National LGBTQ+ Task Force more of these groups, descriptions thetaskforce.org of their work, and archives of (202) 393-5177 what they’ve advocated in their National Queer Asian Pacific own words. You can also visit the Islander Alliance Southern Poverty Law Center’s nqapia.org Anti-LGBTQ+ pages at https:// (202) 422-4909 www.splcenter.org/fighting-hate/ extremist-files/ideology/anti-lgbt. Planned Parenthood plannedparenthood.org • American College of (800) 230-7526 Pediatricians Sexuality Information and • American Family Association Education Council of the United • Center for Family and Human States (SEICUS) Rights (C-FAM) SIECUS.org • Courage/Encourage (212) 819-9770 • Eagle Forum The Transgender Law Center • Family Research Council transgenderlawcenter.org • Family Research Institute (415) 865-0176 • Family Watch International The Trevor Project • Focus on the Family thetrevorproject.org • Jews Offering New Alternatives thetrevorproject.org/chat to Homosexuality (JONAH) (866) 488-7386 • Liberty Counsel True Colors United • Mass Resistance truecolorsunited.org • National Association for (212) 461-7386 Research and Therapy for Homosexuality (NARTH) Anti-LGBTQ+ • Public Advocate of the United Organizations to Avoid: States • Parents & Friends of Ex-Gays The following is a list of names of just and Gays (PFOX) a few of the groups that have formed • Positive Alternatives to to oppose basic civil rights and Homosexuality (PATH) equality for people who are LGBTQ+. • Traditional Values Coalition

PFLAG.ORG BE YOURSELF 43 PFLAG National 1828 L Street, NW, Suite 660 Washington, DC 20036 (202) 467-8180 pflag.org