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good chameleon and managed to convince most people ‘The weird Thing is ThaT that I was “fine”. A baby and a fledging business? Nailing i sTill do mosT of The same it! Well, externally maybe, but really I wasn’t. I’d go home from the office and sob, ending up with crashing baby Things, buT They are less blues and a deep sense of failure. Alcohol was a boring now Than They were wonderfully numbing way to escape those feelings and fast became a foul-weather best friend. I was still fighting seen Through beer goggles’ against accepting who I was — a young mother — and desperately trying to keep up the facades of both you can do yoga and have a sense of humour? And that if “entrepreneur Rose” and “fun Rose”. I’d put the baby to you leave a dinner party at midnight, no one remembers bed feeling way out of my depth and exhausted, then put (all the good chats have been had by then anyway)? I no on the vodka-and-tonic cloak and leap away from reality longer think “poor me” about being sober. Instead I think: for as long as my legs would carry me. “Wow, I had a damn good innings and smashed that We moved to the country a year later and hit probably period of my life out of the park, and now I’m in a new the most social period of our lives, which was not the phase, thank God, which is still pretty wacky and plan, dammit! I was a good few years younger than most wonderful.” The only difference is that now I’m off my of our new friends and adopted the persona of a wayward face on life, not alcohol. child, which (the party) people seemed to like. I rarely left OK, so how do you have actual fun as a sober human? a party with my husband, who is a normal drinker and That’s a paradox, right? My fun fuel was booze, so what actually has an off switch, cadging lifts home at dawn the hell do I turn to now? The weird thing is that I still do with other reprobates. It wasn’t a great look for a mother most of the same things, but they are less boring now (now of two). I’d started to work for Soho House, setting than they were seen through beer goggles. Don’t get me up the Farmhouse in Oxfordshire, and we’d laugh about wrong: I’m still me, I love being bad, I love being naughty, the “BLs” (bad looks), not realising that I was a solid I love a thrill. And I’m certainly not perfect — I’m member of that gang. impulsive and my addictions will come out given a soberIng thoughts The final blow was the opening night of Soho chance (did I really need three pairs of Veja trainers?). Farmhouse. We were lucky enough to have been offered Dancing is my real saviour because letting off steam is a free night in one of the cabins (7ft bed — yes, please), key (being sober doesn’t cure PMT), and an elderflower It’s the season of excess, but could you go without booze? and I didn’t even go inside, so busy was I bustling about, spritzer isn’t going to help with that. I’m actually a pretty Fleur Britten talks to the women who have given it up. If you are being an idiot. The embarrassment, shame and regret crap dancer, but I love it. Ditto singing. So if there are I felt the next week far outweighed the “fun” I’d had with some good tunes to be heard, I’ll be on that dancefloor curious about an alcohol-free life, prepare to be surprised the good-time folk. gooning around for as long as you want me to. I even tried I stopped drinking (with a few bumps along the way) sober raving, which was so ace that it has inspired me to via every means known, finally succeeding thanks to the bring a version of it to the Cotswolds. At a festival last o on, admit it. You’ve drunk more than the ‘I thought that alcohol IgnIted Sober Mummy blog, which introduced me to alcohol-free summer I did “ecstatic yoga dance” with a friend — and recommended intake of alcohol this week. my sense of humour and wIthout It beer — my new BFF. A particularly frank Australian have never laughed so much. Mostly at myself, but that’s After all, what better excuse for a tipple than I’d be borIng’ By ROSE ASTOR, 39 friend told me that the ice-cold glass of champagne I was OK because at least I’m choosing to be an idiot, rather Christmas and new year? Not that we Brits I’d love to say that I woke up one morning, hankering for was “for w******” and no one would notice if than being last night’s unwitting joke. need an excuse. Alcohol is so deeply embedded called time and quit the booze there and I didn’t drink. She was right. I thought alcohol ignited my I still go out for dinner with friends, but I’ve retuned Gin British culture that it’s the only drug you have to justify then, but my story is messier than that. sense of humour and without it I’d be boring, and bored, my attention to the food and I can actually hold a not taking. According to a YouGov survey this year, one in The truth is that I revel in maelstrom. My naughty self and that no one would want to be my friend (indulgent conversation without wanging on too much, and I even five UK adults drink more than the low-risk guidelines, can raise its voice at any given moment. Good habits wallow), but it turns out that most people didn’t notice if — shock, horror! — listen to what my neighbour has to and two thirds of them say they would find it more difficult have a hard old battle getting into my psyche. I have had I didn’t drink, and those who did were mostly supportive say, something I used to be a bit ADHD about, with one to reduce their drinking than to improve their diet or many cringy “I need to stop doing this” moments. Most (and possibly relieved). I also discovered that I still have eye on my next awesome move. In a cocktail party or exercise more. Hardly surprising, then, that Brits have a Mondays, feeling like an old cassette tape with the spool a filthy sense of humour when sober, and I’m pretty sure wedding-reception scenario, I’ll station myself near the reputation as the binge drinkers of Europe. unravelled in a pile, I would think, “I need to chuck that.” my husband actually prefers me that way. The not being catering entrance and snaffle the canapés while they’re Things are slowly changing, though, with about 20% of But by Thursday I’d have carefully wound it back into woken up at dawn by an alcohol-fumed loon certainly hot — I’ve found that if you’re hungry, you are more likely adults now abstaining from alcohol, according to the place, ready to blast the speakers out and chew up the helps, and we spend a lot more time hanging out, just the to want that first drink. Office for National Statistics. The blame — or thanks, tape again, repeating the same nonsense and getting the three of us now (Me, Hub, Netflix). Being in the present And the best times were right in front of my idiotic face perhaps — is largely directed at the wellness movement, same results: party all night, loathe myself thereafter. can be scary, as there’s no running from life when it gets all along: being with my husband and three kids. They as more and more people are making a “positive” choice to I wasn’t just somebody’s Friday and Saturday girl, I was tough, but it’s not boring. Being a mum and showing up are cool. We took a term off school last year and went to ditch drink and put their health first. With dry January a Sunday through Thursday wingwoman, too. In my is way cooler than my previous default of glorifying live in Sri Lanka, something I never would have had the around the corner, might you, too? Read on for four twenties I had the stamina for it. Late nights were part “busy” and fuelling my inner “rush” button with alcohol. energy to plan in the bad old days. We ate every meal inspiring stories, from the writer and reformed party girl of my job as an actor’s agent, and we prided ourselves On a hangover, I used to find most things fairly together and pretty much slept in one bed — in the past Rose Astor on how she learnt to have fun without alcohol, on being the last ones standing. My Fomo was at an torturous and my tolerance level was zero: shopping for I’d have been rushing bedtime to get to my wine time, and and three mothers who give their honest accounts of the all-time high, and I didn’t want to miss a thing. groceries, playing with children, having to be a grown-up, heaven help anyone who woke me up with a hangover. complicated relationship between parenting and alcohol. I timed opening a new business (Maggie & Rose, a finishing a book to the end — yawn. Now they aren’t. I get When my friend asks me what I did at the weekend and sort of Soho House for families) with having my so much pleasure from the chicken satay counter at I say, “Played two hours of Bird Bingo, watched three daughter, aged 27, which, looking back, was laughably Waitrose, it’s baffling even to me. Walking the dogs with movies, danced round the kitchen with the dogs and Photograph Lukasz Wierzbowski naive. I didn’t take any maternity leave, and on little sleep my mum is a level-10 morning these days. nailed half of Succession on HBO,” she’ll know that I had and with a pretty broken body, I’d go into work and And who knew that there are other ways to have fun fun the way that I need to have fun these days. The party manically try to be the old multitasking me. I’m a pretty than getting pissed? That dancing sober is a laugh, that isn’t over — it’s just different, and for me, better.

20 The Sunday Times Style The Sunday Times Style 21 Style Trend GOING SOBER ‘You don’t have to yOUR DRy JANUARy REQUIRED READING be an alcoholic to be SURVIVAL PLAN a problem drinker’ ‘I have more time SOBER INSPO Be prepared for the cravings, and more energy; MEGAN MONTAGUE, 31 which can hit hard on special I’m more present’ Club Soda occasions or holidays. Give them an A movement that organises events “When I was drinking, I couldn’t wait identity so that you are more conscious VITTy ROBINSON, 47 to get the kids to bed,” says Megan and offers online resources to support ‘I had to face my of them and their persuasiveness Montague, a freelance business sobriety; joinclubsoda.co.uk. loneliness. And I had (eg, the Wine Witch). “Drinking was just a given,” says the consultant and single mother to children photographer Vitty Robinson, a mother to accept myself’ aged six and four. For, awaiting her in Dry January, the app Always have a soft drink in your to two girls, aged 15 and 10. “I enjoyed JESSIE WESTWOOD, 34 the fridge, would be a rather nice bottle It functions all year to track your days Sober Curious by Ruby hand. People won’t offer you a drink drinking; it was my wind-down time.” by calories and money saved. of wine that, over the course of an Like many of us, Robinson, would atone When Jessie Westwood’s four-year-old Warrington (HarperCollins £20, evening, she would steadily drain, alone. if you already have one. for her excesses by doing dry January son was diagnosed with Kawasaki out on Wednesday) Warrington “By mid-afternoon I would get the @womenwhodontdrink every year, but last year, after a disease (a lymph-node disorder), a charts her personal journey with craving. Every day I’d say to myself, Ensure it’s an ‘adult’ drink in a decent Inspires women to cut back or quit. particularly heavy Christmas of “scary” week spent in and out of alcohol, from a hedonstic habit ‘No wine today,’ but every night I’d cave glass, so you feel less like a kid at “relentless drinking”, she began to feel hospital proved an unexpected to being “sober curious”. in, thinking, ‘Oh, it’s been a tough day.’ a grown-up party drinking cheap @soberevolution “systemically poisoned”. Dry January, opportunity for some serious reflection. I was stuck in a cycle thinking that lemonade. Bring your own if necessary. she decided, was going to be different Inspirational quotes of a “I realised that if I continued my usual drinking was alleviating my stresses.” this time — and longer. It was only when more blokey persuasion, from pattern of kids’ bedtime [she also has a Last March she reached a point where Pour water in all of your glasses at a she was three months in that Robinson American Austin Cooper. six-year-old daughter] followed by a she thought, “I can’t live like this, always dinner party or restaurant to stop wine really felt the “deep, deep” benefits: large glass of wine or three for me, I feeling hungover.” So she signed up to being poured for you. “Thirty days isn’t long enough — it’s @sobermovement wouldn’t be able to be the mum I was Sober Spring, a three-month alcohol-free a pain.” It was only later that the An online community on Insta, supposed to be,” says Westwood, a sabbatical devised by Catherine Gray, Be assured, it gets easier over time. difference between drinking and not Facebook and YouTube that wedding planner. “How would I monitor author of The Unexpected Joy of Being You will reach a point when you don’t drinking became clear: “I had always put celebrates the sober lifestyle. his temperature every hour if I was half The Sober Diaries: How One Sober. “I joined an online group of 10 automatically think about having a the fog, the low-grade anxiety, the mood sozzled, not to mention drive him to Woman Stopped Drinking and of us, which was helpful in terms of drink in social situations. swings and the disturbed sleep down to hospital in a hurry?” She decided then Started Living by Clare Pooley accountability,” she says. being a mother — until I went sober. and there to give up drinking, “and I Montague survived the “tough” (Coronet £8.99) A mother’s Avoid going out in the early days Sobriety made more sense.” haven’t looked back”. physical impact of the detox without honest memoir of achieving if the cravings are proving tough. For starters, there was the weight loss, o’clock with a new ritual, in which she It was a “life wake-up call”, Westwood falling off the wagon, and as the benefits sobriety after resorting to Surround yourself with those who a better complexion and brighter eyes, a takes time to craft a “beautiful” says (her son has made a full recovery, started to kick in, she was able to see the the bottle before noon. support you. clear head, consistent moods and energy, kombucha cocktail, with blackcurrant by the way). Doing some research into “negative impact” of alcohol. “It’s not as plus the end of headache pills, wine and mint (“like a kir royale”), for example. the health impact of alcohol, including if I was drinking cheap cider on the park breath and waiting for cabs when you can Her husband, her one-time drinking learning that it can be a “contributing bench. But you don’t have to be an Treat yourself to alternative pleasures drive home. The big challenge, though, buddy, also drinks less now since he has factor to breast cancer”, helped her to alcoholic to be a problem drinker — the — eat some good food, have a bath, was going against the tide: “Sobriety was “lost that camaraderie”, she says. see the “bigger picture, not just the line is different for everyone.” Being whatever works for you. absolutely against what was around me What about the need for Dutch immediate benefits. This was something tired all the time had had a knock-on — I had to break each habit: the nights courage? No, Robinson says: “It was the I really needed to consider healthwise.” effect on her patience. “The mornings out with the girls, the holidays, six alcohol that brought on anxiety. I actually And the health benefits kept on would be really difficult,” she says. o’clock.” So Robinson has replaced wine feel very comfortable when I’m out.” coming. Sleeping better and feeling “Trying to get two kids ready for school What’s more, she says, her sober self is an fresher and brighter inspired her to eat Alcohol Explained by William had become too much for me to cope cope with loneliness and anxiety, improvement: “I feel more engaged, I’m a more healthily and go to the gym. “It’s Porter (CreateSpace £9.99) with, and I would always avoid morning without realising that it was actually better listener, I’m funnier.” And, she has not that drinking makes you not want to A handbook written by a recovering meetings at work. Now that just doesn’t heightening the anxiety. It was an itch WHAT TO SAy TO PEOPLE WHEN realised, “I’m not really a night person do that, it’s that not drinking makes you alcoholic that explains how alcohol happen — things are a lot more stable, that I couldn’t scratch.” yOU’RE NOT DRINKING — it was the alcohol that made me stay want to,” she says. It helped, too, that her affects us on a chemical, and my relationships are much better.” To replace the toxic old routine, she up late.” It’s the first couple of hours at a boyfriend quit drinking at the same time: physiological and psychological There are still the same ups and had to create a new one, and so fills Be armed with a quip ‘I started dry party that are the best, says Robinson, “If I’d had a drink, I would have broken level, with tips for quitting. downs, she concedes, but she is less her evenings with pampering soaks, cups January and I forgot to stop.’ “when everyone is in high spirits and that trust between us.” affected by them: “Having a clear head of herbal tea, good books and early relatively sober. I go to bed with some But if wine was an escape, then helps me think more rationally.” Sobriety bedtimes. And instead of meeting her great memories that I’m guaranteed to stopping drinking meant Westwood has enabled Montague to get to know friends in a bar and “shouting at each Be upfront Tell your friends from the remember in the morning.” had to spend less time escaping life and herself better: “I had been drinking to other over the music, we go running or outset that you’re not drinking. Robinson does not consider herself more time dealing with it. “I had to face climbing. It’s just as fun.” It is, essentially, teetotal, however. “If I find the occasion my loneliness,” she says. “And I had a good dose of self-care, and that has also If needs be, explain why (maybe that to drink, I’ll take it — though I haven’t to accept myself.” As a result, she has had an impact: “Spending more time it’s having a negative effect on your yet.” And she says she is not anti- made some positive changes in her being kind to myself has changed how life). That tends to close the drinking: “I’m not about piling guilt onto life: instead of living for wine o’clock, I treat everyone else.” Montague is no conversation. stressed-out mothers, but it is worth “there’s a slower, calmer pace doing the The Unexpected Joy of Being longer “shouty mummy”, she says. “I asking what you actually need or want. things I enjoy”. Nine months on, Sober by Catherine Gray (Octopus value the kids much more now — that’s Be prepared to be harangued for not I want a more constructive, more Westwood no longer feels she needs Publishing £9.99) Sobriety isn’t been one of the biggest shifts.” She is drinking. Stay strong and keep the fulfilling life. I have more time and more a drink: “There would have to be a just good for you. Gray, a journalist keen for it to be a permanent one. bigger picture in mind: your health, energy, I’m more present. Nothing is positive reason, and I can’t think of a who started drinking aged 12, clarity of mind, stability and so on. lost, and we’ve gained so much.” single one.” found she had more fun, too. soberstory.co.uk

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