~~ This the we mean it Thursd?, Rprill1993 \/o\ %%\/I, Number 42 Mayer to Greek system issue is Miller Hall resident headline getting out of control murders roommate Greenberg, fiats clash in verbal war an assault, the police then imme- ceremony by TAD L. TAIL by FRAT BOY no comment, but Seltzer did say Futile Squabbles Reporter diately went to 123, thereby fur- Racist, Sexist, Homophobic that “this kind of discrimination Last week, Miller resident ther delaying their response to the via seance Following the recent faculty cannot be allowed to happen at Casey Lusanto was accusedofkill- incident at Miller. vote to begin changing the face of Tufts. IfIwanttosubjectmyselfto ing his roommate Peter Listerman TEMS was also called to the by ALL IN FUN the Tufts Greek system, a battle the torture of the DTD pledge pro- by repeatedly smashing soda cans scene of the crime, however, see- Come on, ease up and light bulbs over his head. ingthat no alcohol was involved in The Universityannounced yes- has broken out on campus between gram, then I’ddamn well better be anti-Greek students and the frater- able to. And besides, those pins Lusanto said that his motive the situation, they were clueless as terday that the Iate University was a squabbleover 53 cents which to how to react to the case. President Jan Brady Oscar-Meyer nity men. Although recently pub- match my earrings.” lished reports show that a consis- The issue came to a proverbial both students refused to pay to- The autopsy of the body was will be the main speaker at Com- wards their phone bill. In addition, performed yesterday by a nurse at mencement 1993. Mayer will be tent majority of Tufts students fa- head lastmonth when all sidesmet vor the current system as it is, a in open forum on WBZ-TV Chan- Lusanto commented, “I was driven Health Services. However, they contacted via a campus-wide se- tothis act because I was oppressed were only able to determine that ance, after an initial attempt was powerful minority has spoken out, nel 4. The program, known as and their voices are projecting. “People are Porking,” was a half by the Greeks who stole my soda Listerman was not pregnant, al- successfully made last week con- from my refrigerator. To make though he was kept waiting for tacting the legendary president. Junior Candrew “Dice Clay” hour of yelling and screaming by Greenberg has been at the front of Greenberg and Seltzer, as well as matters worse, they also stole my several hours before being exam- prized bottle cap collection and ined. Listerman was not able to see SPEAKER, page 4 every clash. After rushing a num- Inter Greek Council president ber of fraternities and failing to Kevin Conniptionfitand Zeta Beta ant farm.” pick up his Erythromycin pre- receive a bid, she and her cohorts Tau president Morty Ganz (from “I feel no remorse for what I scribedby Health Services because in crime are seeking legal action the French). Citing that fraterni- did. I think the final straw which he was not able to complete the against the houses. ties are support groups for men, pushedme overtheedgewas when punch card. “I feel as though I fit perfectly Ganz put Greenberg in her place he didn’t replace the empty box of There were a variety of reac- into the houses I rushed,” said when he said, “My dad can beat up tissues with a new one,” said tions to the unfortunate circum- Greenberg. “And it’s unfair that I your dad, we’re not friends any Lusanto. stance from on-campus groups. should be denied access because I more, and you can never have Lusanto added that his only re- However, the RA on duty the night was having a bad hair day.” ‘fiontsies’ in line ever again.” gretwas hisplan for escape. “Fool- of the incident lives in Carpenter Junior Andy Seltzer, an openly The war continued in the pages ishly, I called the safety shuttle to House and couldn’t be reached for gay student, rushed the infamous of the Daily, where columnistNick take me to Davis to get away, but comment from an on-campus DTD house and was also denied a Jehlen wrote 37 consecutive col- it took them two hours to respond phone because it entailed making bid, despite the fact that he was a umns on the issue. That was com- to the call.” a long distance phone call. legacy. Following the exposure of pounded by the mailbag of letters Tufts Police were also slow to Dean of Students Bobbie the despicable“bathroom journal” to the editor, most of which were respond to the distress call made Knable also could not be reached and a handful of skirmishes with written by Greenberg and TCU by a neighbor, as they took 45 for comment, for she was too busy local authorities, this latest scan- senator David Aepi, the latter of minutes to respond, thinking that with the Bridge-Metcalf program. dal has sent the house spiraling which has been one of the Greek the call concerned a student locked On the other hand, Bruce Reitman into hell. out ofhis room. Upon finally com- Former Tufts President Mayer GREEKS, page 4 see MURDER, page 2 DTD President Scott Lint had see prehending that the call dealt with Braker to be renamed Police respond to DTD Primary by PAUL REUBENS then denied that his motivations by MRS. SNYDER by wandering off more than 100 Wessell Whacker on the Senate were to pad his re- Bathroom Journal, Page Four yards from the backyard tree, the Source set The Board of Trustees an- sume oranyotherself-servingrea- Tufts University police re- dog was violating a restraining nouncedyesterdaythatBrakerHal1 sons. According to Daily tabula- sponded to the Delta Tau Delta order imposed by Associate Dean I will be renamed Brinker Hall in tions, Brinker has managed to at- fraternity house late last Saturday of Students Moose Brightman. to host honor of current Tufts Commu- tach his name as co-sponsor to night. According to Officer Bob Last year, Tucker managed to nity Union Senator DavidBrinker. virtually every resolution and by- “Supercopy7Bricker, the Jumbo sneak into a Men Understanding In a nationally televised press law debated on the Senate floor Five-0 answered a call from a Sexuality at Tufts meeting and auction conference, both UniversityPresi- this year. “Hey, what can I say. hysterical freshman woman tele- harassed various members of by AL ZIMERS dent JohnDiBiaggioandChariman There are certain things that I care phoning from the bedroom of a MUST by acting out his various What’s my rank? of the Board of Trustees Nelson deeply about,” said Brinker. fraternity member. sexual escapades. Several mem- The editorial staff of The Pri- Gifford said, “David’s proven Brinker is most known for his Upon arrival to the scene, bers of MUST said they felt inad- nary Source recently announced power-hunger in the Senate, his pro-Greek resolution in which he Supercop reported that he discov- equate, dirty and suffered de- .hat they will be holding an auc- obvious social prowess as an offi- blasted a faculty committee for eredthe caller andthe room’sresi- creased self-confidencefollowing :ion to raise funds for the creation cer of the Inter-Greek Council and being biased because they did no1 dent scantily clad and shaking un- the incident. >fananti-diversity house. member of APE, and his contribu- agree with him. His resolution controllably. According to vari- This latest run-in with Tufts’ One editor described the re- tions to the academic and intellec- touted a one question survey that ous other brothers who were suf- donut-eating finest was certainly pirementsthat studentsmustmeet tual atmosphere at Tufts make it heclaimedmeasuredstudentopin- fering from similarpeculiarsymp- notthe fmt. Even beforetheMUST UI order to live in the house. “Only clear we had to recognize his ion ofthe Greek system. He is also toms, the incident was precipi- incident, the Delts had often been hose studentswho are white Chris- achievements by naming a build- the self-proclaimed“stupidest per- tated by the sudden absence of the the subject of police investiga- :ian males may live there,” said I. ing after him.” son at Tufts.” fraternity dog, Tucker. After their tions. For instance, three brothers M. Racest, the journal’s editor-in- Brinker’s latest claim to fame averageblood alcohol content had were trampledto death one evening :hief. “Also, we don’t want any of Brinker, who apparently had was as the center of the Good and been allowed to fall to .30 percent, when a stranger entered the house hose [expletive]Tufts Democrats, set his sights on the President of Welfare controversy.He objected several brothers reported that the and said he had scratched a BMW ECO freaks, or Greek scum.” the TCU declared following the to the fact that a Senator had bro- house mutt had last been seen in in the driveway. The three deaths Female editors and writers for announcement that he was now ken confidence and described to hot pursuit of a Phi Sigma Sigma occurred as all members of the he Source have been granted per- campaigning for the vacated posi- the Daily his antics once the Sen- pledge and had never returned. fiaternity rushed outside to check nission to live in the house. tion of University Chancellor. ate meeting enters its closed ses- The disappearance of Tucker In response to the announce- “Of course I’m not thinking of sion. was complicated by the fact that seeDTD, page2 nent, the Tufts Community Union myself,” said Brinker, “I just want Other senators expressed re- Senate called an emergency meet- to do what is best for Tufts.” He sentment that they were not cho- ing to discuss future-funding for sen to have buildings named after the Source. Only seven Senators them. “I was really gunning for a attended the meeting. McFee Bar or something,” said Upon hearing that the Senate Inside TCU Treasurer John Fee. had convened, the Tufts Commu- Lots of Stuff p. 2-8 ...... parliamentarian Tris- peq nity Union Judiciary also met, cit- Articles.pictures,fillefi,wmics--you said, ~~DiBi~ggi~promised me hat ing the desire not to be left out of see... SOme the new hair design school would spons stuff in there somewhere, some “such important campus manners.” and benamedakrme, butnow, what’s reviews, too. plus a few columns -- the The TCUJ, led by a nearly vio- usual amy of fascinating material, none UP with this and Brinker? I mean lent Recognitions Chair Lowell of you ever read, prefer- the guy’s a PUtZ.” Reiter, unanimously voted to which probably - -.- - . . - . - .

student body, one can only view because a derecognizedorganiza- his being passed over for a renam- tion automatically loses its bud- ing as an anti-Semitic gesture by get. the Trustees.“But don’t quoteme,” row.... Tufts University police responded to DTD last Saturday evening. see Page see BRINKER, page 2 Rubber duck? THE TUFTS EVERY 24 HOURS I just met br!

~ rm TUFTSDAILJ Editorial Clint Eastwood Editor-in-Chief We think everyone is really, really awesome!

Managing Editor: Catherine Deneuve We at the Daily would just like to say that we think anyone else in recent memory. Way to go, Candace Associate Editors: Grace Kelly, Meg Ryan everyone on campus is awesome, especially the TCU and Andy! Editorial Page Editor: Paul Reubens Senate, who we think has done a fine job this year The Presidential Lecture Series also got off to a Production Managers: Rebecca DeMomay, Scott Baio, Erin Moran under the stunningly remarkable leadership of Randy running start with the speech given by Spike Lee. We Ravitz, who is also quite handsome as well. Good job, at the Daily couldn’t of a better choice of some- NEWS think Editors: Harrison Ford, Kristy McNichol Randy! one to address the need for open communication Assistant Editor: James Spader Additionally, we at the Daily would like to salute between racial groups on campus. All right, Spike! Wire Editor: Gerard Depardieu Assistant Editor: The Late Yul Brynner the TCU Judiciary, who has consistently made the Also, we at the Daily feel it is necessary to praise our VIEWPOINTS Supreme Court look like the People’s Court, with fellow journalists at the Observer. You guys put out a Editor: Sir Anthony Hopkins special praise going to Lowell Reiter, who always tells quality publication and really put us to shame. I guess Assisant Editor: Tia Carrere it like it is. Congratulations, Lowell! it’s common knowledge that we at the Daily would FEATURES Editor: Judge Reinhold Next on our list is the Greek System. While the join the Observer if we felt we were worthy enough. Assistant Editors: Joan Cusack, Linda Hunt Greeks have received a lot of negative publicity re- We only hope you will look kindly upon us and won’t ART & ENTERTAINMENT cently (but not from us), we at the Daily think they are steal all our readers and advertisers. Keep up the good Editors: Marcello Mastroianni, Kevin Bacon Assistant Editor: Farrah Fawcett-Majors a fine upstanding group of people and couldn’t think work, Observer! WEEKENDER of a better way to spend our time than being involved Editor: Natassja Kinski in the numerous philanthropic events. Hooray, Greeks! Lastly, we at the Daily would like to offer our Production Manager: Jaye Davidson Photo Editor: Marlon Brando We at the Daily would also like to recognize the congratulations to all of the Tufts students for getting SPORTS efforts of those fighting against the Greek System, along with each other so well this year and putting Editors: George Hamilton, especially Candace Greenberg and Andy Salzer. The aside all their differences to live together in peace and Robert Downey, Jr., Joe Pesci ssistant Editors: Claude Raines, Curtis Armstron] two of them have done more for equal rights than harmony. Nice going, Jumbos! PHOTOGRAPHY Editors: Carrie Fisher, Isabella Rossellini, The Late Sir Laurence Olivier Campus organizations react to murder Assistant Editors: Laura San Giacomo, Juan Valdez MURDER concernedwith the matter because the vic- SADD announced that it will be tying PRODUCTION continued from page 1 tim was a human, and Baxter the dorm red ribbons on the funeral procession. Layout Editors: Matthew Broderick, was drooling over the chance to have the bison remained safe in the incident. The Amalgamates offered to sing at the Mark Hamill, Leah Thompson opportunity to sentence Lusanto to the death Representatives of Wessell Library were funeral, but the deceased’s family wanted Graphics Editor: Tim Robbins penalty. rightfully dismayed by the murder because only award winning groups as entertain- Classifieds Editors: Bridget Fonda, John Darcey of the Housing Office was Jodie Foster the victim had two books checked out of the ment. Assistant Editors: Geena Davis, Susan Sarandon destroyed, not at the loss of a student, but at library. They feared that they would not be Finally, the mailroom has promised the Copy Editors: Alyssa Milano, the creation of a half empty double. The able to reclaim the books, thereby dimin- victim’s family all the J. Crew catalogs Sharon Stone, Rosie Perez room has already been filled by an inter- ishing their collection by fifty percent. they want in an attemptto provide consola- ested party desiring to room with Lusanto. The Film Series has made special ar- tion and sympathy. John Cusack When asked about the deceased, Uni- rangements to show War of the Roses this Executive Business Director versity President John DBiaggio lamented, weekend in conjunctionwith the murder. The entire Tufts family motuns the tragic Business Manager: Valeria Golino “How can this be true? I was just having Several on-campus groups are also plan- loss of one of their highly valued students. Offce Manager: Drew Banymore dinner with Listerman the other day in ning special events for the funeral of However, the administration offered some Receivables Manager:Wesley Snipes Carmichael.” Listerman. The TCU Senatemade amotion words ofwisdom to the students: “Remem- Subscriptions Manager: Robin Wright Upon hearing about a death on campus, to combinethe funeral with JUMBOFEST; ber that classes will be canceled tomorrow Dining Services immediately denied alle- however, sensing the loss of one of their as a result of this incident. However, please The Tufts Daily is amoney-grubbing machine, pub gations of food poisoning, although they own, the Greeks want the funeral to be a substitute Monday’s schedule on Friday, shed whenever we damn well please. The Daily i! did admit that they had served puppy chow part of the Block Party. Tuesday’s schedule next Wednesday, and itirely student-run; there are lots of paid editoria ositions, especially Executive Business Director. Th’ the other night in Carmichael. Buildings and Grounds has offered $9 Thursday’s schedulenext Friday as aresult laily is printed on 100% non-recycled spotted ow The Diversity Committee had no com- an hour to dig Listerman’s grave. In B&G of this cancellation. Finally, never argue Zwsprint. ment on the incident because both students time, that amounts to sevenhours including over any amount of money less than 75 The Daily is located somewhere on campus. Om involved were white, straight males. How- two coffee breaks. cents hone number is (617) 976-NEWS. Business hours arc .” :00 a.m. - 9: IO a.m., Mondays only. ever, they felt that some minority on the The policies of The Tufts Daily are established hall must have been traumatized by the inta (or by Ouija board). Editorials appear on this page matter somehow, somewhere, some way. Not first incident with Jumbo Five-0 Titten by Stephen Arbuthnot. Individual editors are no On the other hand, TGLBC felt that the DTD protection and royalties!” xessarily responsible . continued from page 1 The content of letters, advertisements, signed col conflict was just an expression of latent While TUPD reported that they re- nns, cartoons and graphics are generally silly, ani homosexuality and offered support to stu- their automobiles. sponded to the fraternity house, they were ake no sense whatsoever. dents who want to talk about it at the next In another run-in with the authorities, not able to file a formal missing canine Letters to the Editor Policy The Tufts Daily does not welcome letters fron meeting. However, ROTC, under orders several brothers ofthe fraternity filed crimi- report because the 72 hour time limit had iaders. The letters page is a sounding board for thc from the Department of Defense, com- nal charges against other brothers for re- not expired. In the past, Tucker has been hims of TCU senators. mented that the incident involved two men moving pages of the famed bathroom jour- found ftequenting the “Combat Zone” red- Letters must include the a lock of the writer‘s hair, i ine sample, and mother’s maiden name. All letter! living together and therefore refused to nal without permission. light district of Boston, an area often visited ust be written in binary code, chiseled on stone tablets have anything to do with the situation. “They were stifling my artistic fkee- by DTD pledges in search of prostitutes ablets can be picked up at the Daily the next day, ifyoi Representatives of Greek life mourned dom,” said a brother who would only iden- who will sign their buttocks. m lift them/ the loss of one oftheir brothers by drowning tify himself as Thor. “It’s not so much that Thedeadlinefor lettersto beconsideredfor publica- In in the following day’s issue is 6:OO a.m, and evei their sorrows in kegs of beer. they removed my art, but how am I to be Nomembersofthe htemitywere physi- en, we may not run it. SAVE, the organization which desires sure the culprit was not going to profit from cally capable of being interviewed for this Due to space limitations, letters should be no longer to stop violence against animals, was not my talent and creativity. I want copyright article. ny submissions to the Daily should involve whips an iains. Letters should be accompanied by hefty bribe! ash only, please). Valuable items to be auctioned off The editors reserve the right to remain silent. F’ubli, dion of letters is nor guaranteed, but subject to thc SOURCE Limbaughwill donate his time and services said Limbaugh. him of the editors, and the roll of a six-sided die. continued from page 1 the auctioneer. “This is a great honor for Among the items to be auctioned are a Letters should address Clint Eastwood, and shoulc as :e the toyal ‘we’. While letters can be critical of an Representatives from the Source de- me. It’s about time that the conservatives copy of the first issue of The Primary dividual‘sactions,they shouldalwaysattacksomeone’ clared that the TCUJ’s decision only rein- on college campusesunite. By having their Source autographed by its first Editor-in- monality traits, especially if they’re a member of thc forced their desire to create the house be- own house, these people will be better Chief, a mold of Morton Downey Jr.’s 3U government. The Daily will not accept anonymous letters or per fore next semester begins. Who cares if prepared to fight the fascists of the world,” mouth, and a KKK Grand Dragon’s robe. unes, unless they’re really cute and imaginative. Thc they cut off our money? This just proves aily will not accept letters regarding the coverage 01 that ultra-right wing - oops, I mean conser- her publications (becausethey all suck). TheDaily wil vative - thought is oppressed on this cam- Brinker Hall chosen over McFee Bar ily accept letters of praise of our coverage, and OUI pus,” said one editor who wished to remain BRINKER ment, in order to create a facility for the iod looks. continued from page 1 If writers do not have group affiliations or hold title nameless. IGC’s Greek 101 political carrectness ‘positionsrelated to the topic oftheir letter, one will b The auction is set to take place Friday said Ravitz, who is still kissing the Trust- courses. ipointed to you by The Daily. This is to provide a goo1 ugh, and is completely intended to detract from thi April 16, in the parking lot in front of the ees’ collective behinds, even though he is tter. Porter Square Star Market. graduating next month. (Sir Anthony Hopkins contributedto this Classified Information According to one report, best-selling Brinker has said he will evict the current article, but not enough to share the byline. AI1 Tufts students must submit in person by 9 p.m author and television personality Rush building occupant, the economics depart- Sorv.) riday night, wearing leather and lace. Classifieds ma) so be bought from Lil incamichael, and an anonymoui JY in a trench coat on the corner of Professors Row anc atin Way. Classifieds maybe submittedoverthephone We at the Daily would like to take this opportunity it only if you plan not to pay for them. Notices and Lost & Founds are really expensive anc in on and on and on. Notices are a waste of space otices must be written on a napkin, and cannot be usei to thank you all for reading our little publication I sell yourself, unless the price is right. The Tufts Daily is not liable for any damages due tc ,pographicalerrors or misprintings, because they weri and we promise to be back to normal tomorrow. robably your fault anyway. Everyone knows we’rc Zrfect, and never make misstakes. We reserve the righi iprint any classifieds which contain obscenity, andalsi Then again, maybe not. Le right to insert obscenities in ads that have none. Rubber duck? THE TUFTS EVERY TWENTY FOUR HOURS I just met her! STUFF Salmonella Gold discovered on Tufts campus So there I was. Locked out of my dorm because some stupic Archeology Department hits it big on Fletcher Field schlock decided to pull the fire alarm, while I was both sending E-mai to Artie and pondering what I would call this week’s column, which by ROBIN GIVENS Leakey was given funding and “We didn’t think much of it. It by the way I still haven’t written. I’m standing outside that mecca oj World-Renowned Golddigger personnel by the Department, ac- was unrelated to our objective, so a residence hall in which I live which, due to my profound luck an( When the Tufts Archeology cording to his faculty advisor, Pro- we discarded the body in a Long Island roots, I have been fortunate enough to live in for twc Department began its excavations fessor Sutter Clementine. dumpster behind Hodgdon. We straight years in a row. Oh, by the on Fletcher Field, students and Clementine,who wishestoremain don’t know what happened to it,” Rachel Buttafuoco way, phooey to all YOU Housing faculty didn’t expect to fmdmuch. anonymous, stated Thursday, “Of claimsArcheology studentEzekiel people who gave me a bummer of They were wrong. They, quite lit- course I believed wholeheartedly Bones. “But the meatballs at Pasta Salmonella a number for this year’s pick. I erally, struck it rich. in this project. We considered the Night were especially good that wantaSINGLE! forChrist’ssake! The whole project began as the discovery of Vikingville to be not Wednesday...” But back to my story. I’m standing outside, trying to get the absolutt senior thesis of a student named onlypossible, but certain. Sowhen A week later, the shovels and last sip out of my Diet Raspberry Ginger Ale without getting it on mq Tap Leakey, an Archaeology ma- Leakey proposed it, I said yes. picks of the workers hadn’t yet face (even though I’ll lick it off anyway), when I feel a tap on my jor. He set out to prove that, not Now all our hopes are ruined. found what the students and fac- shoulder. Stop. Up tonow, this is apretty usual story. Sophomoregirl only did the Vikings arrive on Ruined! Crushed! This is abso- ulty were looking for. But then, on Diet Raspberry Ginger Ale. Fire Alarm. But, what happens next, I American soil before Columbus, lutely terrible, and it wrecks the the 25th, they struck a vein. mean who I turn around to see, is what really grossed me out. On top they constructedan advanced civi- quality reputation that the Depart- The vein belonged to project of getting my E-mail disconnected,the person standing in front of me lization there. This settlement, ment has worked so hard to build member Bronze Silver, who was was none other than Jeremy Stromberg. known in archeological circles as up over the years. On the other cut on the wrist by an especially “Hi, Rachel, how are you doing?” “Vikingville,” is reported to have hand, it’s a ####load of money sharp spade. TEMS was immedi- I am dumbstruck. Fire alarms, E-mail problems and dreading all contained a population of over we’re talking about here.” ately called to the scene. They my Daily deadlines are normal, rational things for me to worry about. 20,000, as well as 20 condomini- After three solid weeks of 12- referred the case to LCS, whose My seventh grade boyfriend revisited is not. ums, two movie theatres, a branch hour-a-day excavation, the dig- spokesman said, “We can really “Jeremy.” I said it just like that. No affect. No emotion. No office of the Vatican, and a video gers turned up something com- see DIGGER, page nothing. I just looked at him and kept remembering how sweaty his arcade. pletely unexpected: Jimmy Hoffa. back felt when we slow-dancedto “Careless Whispers” in the seventh grade, and about how clammy his hands were when he grabbed my hand and asked me if I wanted to drink pink lemonade with him in the cafeteria out ofthe same Styrofoam plastic cups that are probably now Seven Days Makes One Weak somewhere in the Long Island Sound depleting our ozone layer. He Forget the dissolution of the Soviet Union! For- massive coronary and expires. Clinton then decides talked about D&D constantly, and in a weird way I thought he was get the election of a Democrat for President of the to leave the position of Vice President, along with kind of cute, even if he did look like Scooter on The Muppets. United States! Forget the recent spurt of tangible the rest of the major governmental positions, open. Anyway, in seventh grade I thought he was really cool. (I now know and worthwhile projects of the TCU Senate! As Saturday, March 27. In the pervading spirit sel that it was really because he was best friends with Artie then). My radical and surprising as these changes were, none by Hillel and the Eliot Pearson School,the Keep the mind was reeling with memories of seventh grade now, of Mrs. came as unexpectedly as those of the past week in Column Alive fund holds an auction. The auction- Marischino, and of the time I got an office detention for making fun political history. eer is, surprisingly,neither John DiBiaggio nor Sol of Missy Feingold’s training bra, when I realized Jeremy was talking P.J. O‘Rourke For those of you Gittleman, but Ivan Boesky. Items sold off, along to me. who were sleep- with their price and purchaser, include: a one-year “Well, I haven’t been so happy down there at SUNY Geneseo...” Lowercase ing, tanning in lease on 161 Packard Ave (undisclosed amount. Big surprise. The only people I know who go there are people’s whose exotic locales, or Alpha OmicronPi), tea with Randy Ravitz ($546.39: pulse rates never rise above, say 12. My mind wandered. I looked venting your frustrations over the futility of the Rachel Levine), 30 minutes alone in a room with a bored. My hallmates stared at the weird guy talking to me. He housing lottery, here’s a recap. tied-up David Brinker and a bushel of rotten toma- continued. Thursday, March 25. George Bush attempts a toes ($1000, Coalition of Resigned TCU Senators “Like I said, it’s not so fun down there and I was hoping you’d show coup d’etat of the United States government, aided and Culture Representatives), a one-year subscrip- me around Tufts, because I’m interested in appl-, er.. you, know by Jack Kemp and Macaulay Culkin. Unfortu- tion to The Primary Source (no bids), a lock of John transferring.” Great, I’m thinking. Of all people he had to look me up. nately, Culkin backs out at the last minute, claiming DiBiaggio’s hair ($100, Tufts Alumni Associa- It’s like, he was leafing through his little blue book, and he chanced that he has gotten a much better offer to shoot a tion), a date with Candace Greenberg ($100, IGC to stop on page “L” because some fuzz or sleep was stuck in it. movie with Yeltsin. Bush expresses his fury by President Kevin Conroy), the number of licks that Actually, he’s probably such a moron that I was filed under “R.” With refusing to pardon Culkin for being such a brat. it really takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop my luck, it probably had some footnote saying, “Cute, red-head: Friday, March 26. A1 Gore is caught in a com- ($25, Michael Berg), white female applicants from probably good for dim-- make that brunch when in Boston area.’ promising position: slouching. His imperfect pos- New England (10 cents for 12, Undergraduate Better yet, his mom, probably told him to call me. I can just hear her: ture shatters the myth that he’s really a mechanical Admissions) and an autographed copy of Capito “Call Rachel... she’s a nice Jewish girl.” Or maybe it was Artie. I’ll construct, and he is immediately removed from Letters ($100,000,000, anonymous buyer). office. Lloyd Bentsen is chosen to replace him. see RECAP, page 4 see SALMONELLA, page 4 I However, upon hearing the news, Bentsen has a

r UFTS P EA K -- compiled and photos by whomever The Tuffs Community Union Senate is one of the most widely recognized organizations on campus Jut many students are unaware of what this elected group does with the money supplied through he Student Activities Fee. In order to help our fellow students better understand the Senate, we sked five people who have been in some way involved with it.

What does the Tufts Community Union Senate actually do?

Randy Ravitz, TCU President David Brinker, Senator Lowell Reiter, TCUJ member Michael J.W. Stickings Leigh Sherman, Senator The Senate allows those of us in The Senate is nothing more than a Now don’t quote me on this, but, The Senate serves only as ameans Are you quoting me? How come positions of authority to often pon- method for us to boost our already they don’t do anything useful what- by which vastly inferior individu- you didn’t quote me with Hydro- tificate at great lengths on avariety well-endowed egos. Furthermore, soever. This is offthe record, right? als can engage in a mock game of Quebec? Is my picture going to of subjects ranging from campus I am given the opportunity to fur- self-righteousego-building. It is a run? On the front page? Oh my :opics to international concerns, ther the cause of the much ma- horrid exercise in complacency Gawd! ... What was the question i.e. the Gulf War. [Translation: We ligned Greek system. and political uselessness, an ex- again? nake speeches.J periment in sheer futility. . Row, row, row your boat THE TUFTS QUITE OFTEN All the live long day OTHER STUFF Rabid says, “Who cares?’’ SPEAKER The house began to rumble, leave). Therefore, after an hour of cret documents reveal that Sweeney said TCU Figurehead continued from page 1 and as the roof ckcked open bright bestowing platitudeson the former Shalalhalla was to be held hostage Randall “I’m Too Sexy For This LastMonday, Dean ofstudents light poured through the eaves. university president (“No one is as until Hillary Rod Serling Clinton Campus” Rabid will lead the stu- Bobbie Joe Ignoble and current Then the weegie-board began to well-endowed as Tufts after you, agreedtospeakatTufts. The White dent contingent in the seance. . University Prez John D.B. float skyward, and a loud, heavily- Jean!”), the former president House offered to send US Presi- When asked his opinion of this Sweeney held an informal seance French accented voice bellowed: agreed to speak at Commence- dent Bill Clinton Rod Serling but, non-traditional event, Rabid com- in the President’s House, which “Vhaaat do you vant, alveady! ment 1993 as long as the entire as Sweeney said, “Who wants the mented, “ASlong as I get to speak, has not been occupied since Os- Leave me alone, floor heaven’s campus participates. second fiddle?” who cares who else they invite?” car-Meyer left the campus last sake!” the thick voice yelled. “This is acoup forus,” Sweeney When asked what Brady Os- The Catholic Center, Hillel, and summer. In pitch darkness, “Are you the voice of the Al- said yesterday. “No one can give a car-Meyer will speak about, Ig- Islamic Society plan to protest the Sweeney and Ignoble broke into mighty Jean, preserver of free rousing speech like Brady Oscar- noble hinted that the former presi- seance, and a spokesman said yes- the house -- now under renovation speech and Tufts Dining Ser- Meyer, and he probably only gets dent will reveal an oft-heard ru- terday that “if there going to get for the new president -- and found vices?” whispered Ignoble. better with age.” mor: that, indeed, Jimmy Hoffa’s someone that way, we think they Oscar-Meyer’s old weegie board “Who do you tink dis is, God?’ Before the seance experiment, body was kept in the trunk of the should get the Almighty.” and began to summon his pres- Upon hearing the confirmation, the University had settled on an president’s black sedan. But Sweeneyresponded angrily ence. Sweeney lamented the fact that intricate plan of kidnapping US “Other than that, who knows?’ to such criticism. “There’s no one . “Ohhh weegie-board of the since Brady Oscar-Meyer’s pass- Health and Human Services Sec- Ignoble said, adding, “Maybe he’ll holier on this campus than our Jumbo,” Ignoble incanted, “Let us ing the University’s standing has retary Madonna Shalalhallawhen retell his old story about how men former president, even ifhe wanted speak to the great one himself, fallen in the global village (even she speaks here later this month can drink women under the table. to reinvest in South Africa. I won’t Jean Brady-Oscar Meyer!” the elephants are beginning to for Sweeney’s inauguration. Se- The kids really love that story.” hear a word more.” Department strikes it rich DIGGER Health Services in the morning.” After everyone except Leakey, this, Leakey! ’ Unidentified fig- had heard a word about it. “I continued from page 4 After Bambi’s unfortunate ac- Clementine, and the B&G work- ure, bearing very strong resem- haven’t heard anything about it. use people like this for the Blood cident, all students and facultywere ers were forbidden to be on the blance to Professor Clementine, Then again, I’m generally pretty Drive coming up in a few weeks. banned from the scene. Student scene, the details of the excava- spotted running from scene at a out-of-touch,” said Stephen Bai- We’ll set out a bucket.” labor was replaced with that of tion were no longer released to the very rapid rate. The victim has not ley. “NO, but now that I know The next day, March 26th, Buildings and Grounds workers, media. However, the TEMS been identified, and the investiga- about it I’m going to file a nondis- things started to pan out for the who hadn’t moved from the Tilton records show a call at 452p.m. on tion is considered closed.” closure’ suit against the Univer- workers. The first shovelertostrike Lounge since the last.big snow- March 29th reporting, “Falling The most recent news on the sity. Does anyone know a lawyer gold was Bambi (who prefers to storm anyway. Why were the stu- accident. Call-in from studentwho dig-turned-mine is that all of the who’ll take the case for free?” go without her last name, Horovo- dents sent away? “It was a busi- was leaving Health Services after gold, worth a rumored $250 mil- Candace Greenberg stated. Ac- nochevitz). Bambi was heard to ness decision,” said Clementine. an extended three-semester visit lion, has disappeared along with cording to Randy Ravitz, “Some exclaim, “Like whoa! Ohmigod! I “We were afraid that they might to Health Services for a hangnail. both Leakey and Clementine. An members of the Senate plan to culd dah! This is lahksooooo-woa run off with some of the gold. We Echoes and screaming from unsubstantiatedrumor places Pro- consider our options and alterna- COO-wol!”After Bambi was blud- replaced them with B&G workers Fletcher Field reported. Wifness fessor Clementine in Acapulco, tives, and may be proposing a vote geoned repeatedly with a shovel because we figured hey, B&G in- statement, from an intoxicated rich but armless, having had both on a resolution declaring that we by fellow sorority sisters for giv- ertia -- they’re at rest and they’ll DTD brother: “I heard two guys lhbspulled from their sockets by will think about choosing to talk ing them a bad name, TEMS was tend to stay at rest.” Leakey’s only yelling at each other. ‘The mine is carrying so much weight. about the topic in a special meet- again called. They in turn called comment onthe likelihoodofB&G mine!’ ‘No, the mine is mine!’ Campus authorities were con- ing at a later time to be determined the Tufts Police, who told Bambi thievery was, “Ever see the movie ‘Well, you’re not going to get the sulted on the details of the gold during a future discussion on a to, “Take two crullers and call ‘Misery’?“ gold! You’re not, I tell you! Take discovery, revealing that nobody date to be announced.” Clint finally receives his due RECAP convoy is hijacked by masked in- Parliament does not have enough nose. World ends. Minutes later, cia1 Administration Centerfold: continued from page 3 dividuals bearing a strong resem- votes to impeach him, dances screams of ecstatic joy are heard Miss February 1991. Official Ad- The Keep the Column Alive blance to the Trustees of Tufts around Red Square singing, “My from Chelsea Clinton’s bedroom. ministration Flowers: Gennifer. fund is so augmented by this College, who shriek, “We are only Way”, “It’s My Party,” and“Back In related news, Dan Quayle Official Administration Cartoon fundraiser that its value surpasses taking back what is rightfully in the USSR.” He then uses his goes through puberty. Character: Woodstock. that of the Tufts University en- ours!” The vast amount of money new power of prerogative to an- Also, the bones of Adam and Also, the names ofthe top three dowment. In an unprecedentally ends up being used to pay the nex the Bahamas and get free cin- Eve are discovered in a cave in contenders for the position of generous action, the Administra- JumboTel phone bill of one South emapasses to Unforgivenforhim- Jordan. Through the miracle of Mayor of Boston are released to tors of the Fund offer to pay off the resident in a single occupancy self and his date, Raisa Gorbachev. modem carbon dating and genetic the press. They are Michael US national debt. However, while room. Monday, March 29. Each analysis, it is foundthattheirneph- Dukakis, Sol Gittleman, andLarry the cash is being shipped down to! Sunday, March 28. Yeltsin,’ Gore daughter gets a big fat ooz- ews and nieces include George Bird. Washington D.C., the armored knowing that the opposition in ing pimple right on the end of her Burns, Strom Thurman, Dick ’ Wednesday, March 31. Clint Clark, and Barbara Bush. Eastwood adds to the accumula- Aepi searches for ways to defend system Tuesday, March 30. White tion of awards on his mantel. Be- sides his new Oscars, he also col- lects aNobel Peace Prize, a Croix de Guerre, a Pulitzer Prize, a Heisman Trophy, a Congressional Medal of Honor, and two Olym- pic gold medals, one for javelin and one for synchronized swim- ming. He also becomes a Rhodes Scholar, the US Ambassador to Monaco, a knight, and, after offi- cial recognition by the Catholic Offi- Church. a saint. with my girlfriend, and driving the hands of the Tufts Trustees, Reagan.I, Saddam Hussein. around -inmy hot new car, an.d who will decide on the faculty’s TCUJ recognizes new groups Jeremy’s here... First there was MUST (Men Understanding Sexism at Tufts). SALMONELLA fixing my Mac’s mouse, or read- him at high school graduation? If Then there was WEST (Women Exploring Sexuality at Tufts). continued from page 3 ing the thesaurus to improve my he wanted to have dinner, I would Now, several other groups have formed to discuss the topic of sex. castrate him. spelling, or even finishing my take him, and it would be good. Here they are: “Rachel? Are you okay?“ fateless Daily column whose de- My stomach agreed. “Mmmm, sure,” I lied. I was mise remains to be seen. But then So we went to Espresso’s, and BUST -- Bisexuals Understanding Sex at Tufts beginning to feel E-mail with- something came over me. Liter- dined by the light of the buzzing LUST -- Leprechauns Understanding Sex at Tufts drawal. My hands ached, and it ally (Jeremy stands about 6’ now, neon. He talked about Tetris, and GUST Understanding Sexism at Tufts was getting closer to my Daily next my measley 5 whatever). He how sometimes if he didn’t con- -- Greeks deadline. Scratch that. I was just put his clammy-to-this-day hands centrate he saw Tetris patterns in CAST -- Christians Against Sex at Tufts really ravenous, as I remembered on my shoulder, and looked down everything, and soon he believed FIST -- Freshmen Involved in Sex at Tufts that it was 2 a.m. that I had last at me. his life would become a Tetris HOST -- Homosexuals Obsessed with Sex at Tufts eaten when I scrounged the crust “Come on. Pizza, on me.” Was pattern, one step always fitting JUST -- Jews Upset by Sexism at Tufts off some poor soul’s treasured he serious? Pizza on him sounded into the next. At least you’ll be’ RUST -- Ravitz Understanding Sexuality at Tufts pepperoni pizza in Stratton lounge. pretty funny. (read:lame attempt organized, I said. He laughed, and My stomach grumbled. And Jer- at humor). But seriously, he I made a mental note not to make TEST -- Tuftonians Enjoying Sex at Tufts emy stood in front of me. wanted to buy me dinner, and I felt him laugh again, because I swear JEST -- Juniors Engrossed in Sex at Tufts “Would you like to get some some twisted obligation to show I saw tomato sauce drip from his DUST -- Dominicans Understanding Sexism at Tufts dinner?” this poor creature just how good nose. But all in all in was a rela- FAST -- Floridians Allowed to have Sex at Tufts “Well..,” I started thinking of greasy Espresso’s can be. I started tively painless affair, and I got GUEST -- Girls Understanding and Enjoying Sex at Tufts all the excuses I could use to get to feel a little guilty because who back early enough to turn in my LIST -- Lovers Involved in Sex at Tufts out of a meal at Espresso’s with gave me the right to make fun of Daily column on time and write this “skeleton from my closet,” him, despite the fact that he about the whole thing on E-mail to MAST -- Matadors Against Sexism at Tufts like having to study for my Medi- smelled as though he hadn’t show- Artie. I hope he doesn’t get jeal- NEST -- Natives Enjoying Sex at Tufts eval Fashion Seminar exam, or ered since the last time I had seen ous. Actually, I hope he does. VEST -- Voters Enthralled by Sex at Tufts Lost in the Seventies THE TUFTS MONDAY THROUGH FRIDAY, AS LONG AS THERE’S NOT A HOLIDAY One short of a sixpack FILLER lThe Daily Years... DiBiaggio saves the show at BSO by It’s March 3 1, and I’ve finally convinced myself to pull down the Members of the audience wreath on my door and the Christmas lights off my pet avocado plant. Noted Boston Symphony Or- Christmas is over, the Oscars are over, and I’ve decidedthat, well, I’m chestra musical director Seiji 20, and I’m basically unemployable. Ozawa was struck with a sudden It’s a bad day overall. attack of leprosy at last Saturday’s So, I sit in front of my computer, staving off the calls from my concert. The conductor, who Daily colleagues, and I wonder doubtless had conducted one too Matt Carlson what I should write about. many symphonies, had this to say And finally, I decided to run about his predicament at a recent Flick That the third column in my series press conference: (which makes the second series “I just don’t understand what I’ve run, the first being about Christmas of course) about my family the hell happened! Right when I and their birthdays. Today, March 31, is my great aunt Mary’s got to the tuba part of Summer birthday. She turned 78 today, andshe’s areally cool person. Hi, Aunl Music for Woodwind Quartet, Op. Mary. 3 1, my left arm suddenly spasmed No, Aunt Mary, rest assured that I’m not trying to bum an easy uncontrollablybefore dropping to twenty off you. the ground. It was frightening-- Tufts Prez. Johnny D conducted the BSO last Saturday evening And that got me thinking, where will I be when I’m 78? Right now, really frightening.” I’m busy taking classes, watching movies, writing for theDaily, and when Director Seiji Ozawa was struck with a sudden attack of - Luckily for Ozawa and the leprosy on stage. doing whatever it is little WASP boys from the suburbs do, but where shocked audience, many of whom will that lead me? I doubt anyone will ever walk around campus with fainted at the sight of the lost arm, statedthat tears came to her eyes at cheeringaudience. “Mr. DiBiaggio a copy ofMatt Carlson: The Dairy Years in 50 years, but then I could there was a man, or should one the sight of “this ordinary man will continuethe tradition of great- be wrong. say, a hero, present in the concert doing extraordinary things.” ness, I’m..”’ That brings me to the other day, when I was walking to class, hall that night. Yes, that man was At the conclusion of the con- The rest of his speech was cur- pondering my fate, and my pal Paula came up to me. Paula’s one cool Tufts University President John cert, DiBiaggio, to thunderous tailed as his legs gave way beneath person. She told me that she read my column last week, and she hung DiBiaggio. DiBiaggio leaped up applause, bowed, picked up himandheslumpedtotheground, it on her door. Well, it’s a start, but to what, I’m not sure. out of the audience and, kicking Ozawa’s arm, and raised it high in half the man he was just earlier Paula, my pal, happens to be a debutante, and I’m invited to hei aside the arm, jumped onto the the air with the fingers in the vic- that evening. coming out. Isn’t that nifty? It’s in December, which is the thick oj stage. tory sign. Needless to say, this DiBiaggio,who has had an ear- Christmas season (the time of year that I leave behind my usual In a burst of unprecedentedtal- brought about a standing ovation. to-ear grin on his face ever since, cynical self) and it’s in New York, the city I hate. So, I’m going to ent, he completely took over the The audience would not let said yesterday, “I have decided to brave the evils of that foul human cesspool, and drive to New York direction ofthe symphony orches- DiBiaggio exit the hall for more accepttheposition asMr. Ozawa’s in my magenta Volvo to rub elbows with my high society chums. Anc tra in the tradition of Ozawa him- than an hour afterwards, request- successor at the BSO, but it will I can’t wait. self. While DiBiaggio had pro- ing encores of his masterful per- not detract from my duties as Tufts But let’s move on. Yesterday, while my roommate and I were fessed to being a conductor in a formance, the first of its kind in President.” . busily people-watching in front of the TV,we shared our favoritt past life, many people had re- BSO history. Immediately after A spokesperson from the mu- summertime activities, and, well, we settled on that classic American mained skeptical. The events of the concert, Ozawa publicly ap- sic department said, “This is truly activity, fishing. I can remember countless times when my mom (HI Saturday night erased all doubt in proached DiBiaggio, and an- a great day for us. The strength of seeXMAS, page6 people’s minds that DiBiaggio nounced that he was passing the the musical abilities of the Tufts was, indeed, a talented musician. baton. community is so little recognized, “He didn’t miss a beat! I simply “I have found the future of the but DiBiaggio has finally given us couldn’t believe my eyes,” said a Boston Orchestra,” he announced stunned theatre-goer. One woman over the microphone to a wildly see BSo, page Roger Clinton signs contract headline Spring Fling weeken Just suck it up, kiddies. At least it’s going to be outside by AND LARGE Roger, however, was quite ea- there at Tufts? That’s the only way Denture Wearer ger to do an interview. He showed he’d go along with it. Besides, The long-awaited announce- up atthe Daily’s world wide head- he’s been a real bastard since that ment was made yesterday that quarters in Curtis Hall’s dingy election thing. Just cause he’s got Roger Clinton, the man whom basement and immediately re- a dozen big guys with guns fol- David Letterman has called “The quested that a pizza be ordered. lowing him around all the time President’s Ooserlay Otherbray,” “Man, am I baked,” he said. “Bill doesn’t mean he’s tough. Tipper Legal action was taken by the Village People against a group oj will headline the annual Spring scored some kind bud out in Cali kicked his ass up and down Penn- impersonators who called Tufts home. You may remember the Fling concert on May 1. last week and we’ve been burning sylvania Ave. the other day when suspects from their Halloween appearence and various charity it all afternoon, man!” he tried to put an Ice-T disc on.” events. They seemed to have fooled everyone until someone realized Representativesof the Concert As yet, no opening act has been that only the leatherman had enough chest hair to be a real Village Board could not be reached for Is there any likelihood of a spe- booked. The Spin Doctors were Person. When asked to comment, PIeather Man as he is now comment, and their possessions cia1 appearance by the President contacted, but they had to rear- known, said “Sir, I have no idea what I am charged with and I had been removed from their himself! Roger was not sure: “Bill range their sock drawer. Clinton emphatically deny all charges. By the way, you’ve got a luscious homes. Apparently, they had might bring his sax along and sit in adds, “I’ll sing that ‘Two Princes’ derriere.” skipped town. with us. Are the chicks decent song if you want.” New picture on Stafford loans is a gem in the industry Witty characters, dynamic script, wonderful cinementography, solid acting boost great flick by GENE SISKEL Poor Can You Get?, PickingPock- who cares? This happy-go-lucky dren will be doling out money for cause Tufts theater and OflThe “I hate Ebert” fan club prez ets: The End of Need-Blind Ad- build-up is needed for the searing years. The tragedy is made all the Hill actors were too untalented to Unstable present meets fright- missions, andOfDebt andwing. climax, inwhichthestudents learn more real by the cast, who had to play these complex roles. ful future in the dramatic, innova- The new flick, filmed partly on their grandchildren’s grandchil- be imported from off-campus be- Interviews are interspersed tive Bleed ‘Em Dry Studios new the Tufts campus, has attracted a among the film’s main plot, add- strong ensemble of stars who gen- ing to the feeling of a terrorized fun erate the passion and thrills which future that builds throughoutdd- life this picture. ventures in Taking Out A Staflord at tufts The story revolves around some (REALLYI) Loan. Bleed ‘Em Dry Studios at- poor young people in desperate tempted to get Michael Douglas film, Adventures in Taking Out A need of dough to pay the price for to play his Falling Down charac- Staflord Loan. This movie, re- a Tufts education -- and what a ter for this film, freaking out in the quired of all Tufts students who price it is! The characters quickly end and shooting down Tufts Aid take out a Stafford Loan, was re- learn of the years of hell that they officers. But Douglas was too busy leased last Friday to general audi- will endure paying off the Univer- with his new film, The Making of ences -- and it’s America’s new sity for those terrific four years of A Modern Day Nazi: The Day1 golden child! Carmichaelsalads, easy-A classes, Gates Story. Bleed ‘Em Dry Studios, a part and racist graffiti. All in all, this new film is a of the Tufts Bursar’s and Finan- The cinematography is out- rousing treat. Call up John D.B. cial Aid Offices, has come out standing; Tufts actually looks like Sweeney and ask him out on a with a slew ofthought-provoking, a pretty nice place to go -- no date. The flick is playing in Sweet high-quality picks in recent years, snow, all sun. The actors beam Michael Douglas was asked to play his Facling Down character for this film, but was too busy. Hall, with no film times --just call including The TUBSYears: How their teeth a little too much, but ‘em up and ask to rent it! - HurnpDay FIVE FOR SEVEN AIN’T BAD Just Passing Time .. MIDWEEK STUFF Wessell put to use ~ GYM so Carzow responded with his usual accessible, he said, it will benefit continued from page 7 Grand Scheme. Drumroll, please. at 3 a.m. every student can get Carzowproposedthatthenew gym their turn on that ridiculous ma- confidence. “Students don’t need more people, he said. way, everyone knows the Univer- “take over this [expletive deleted] chine.” cars. Besides, the sacrifice will be “Besides, there are no books in sity president is just a figurehead campus like a big, gray monster.” Instead, Carzow said, the pur- for the good of the status of the the library, so we might as well put and the athletic director holds the Whatever, In addition to a new, poses of the new gym will be to school. Don’t you kids have.any that room to use,” he said. real power, so when I heard this Olympic-sized swimming pool, make Tufts “a more competitive school pride? In my day ...” He Carzow declined to reveal how little voice inside me saying, the “athletic complex” will fea- school in, you know, sports.” To was quickly cut off. much the renovations will cost. Pebble, destiny is in your h’ands. ture 25 clay tennis courts, re- do this, the school needs a “state- Carzow added that a new track “Money is no object when it comes So I says to myself, Pebble, go out vamped squash courts, and a room of-the-art facility.” So; expansion will encircle the entire construc- to my kids and getting my school and win some respect for this with 200 Stairmasters. is in the works. Carzow said the tion, “giving you guys a darn good on a par with those Ivy League piddly university. Go build a kick- Carzow stressed that the plans for the new gym include workout, like three or four miles a snobs,” he said. ass gym for those guys who work Stairmasters are a concession to constructing across the street on lap.” In addition, the Reserve However, he noted, the con- their butts off day in and day out in the recreational athletes. “I typi- the Cousens parking lot. Room of Wessell Library will be struction may need to be heavily that dreary building where the only cally support only the competitive Carzow admitted that the addi- transformed into a weight room. financed with loans. But he ex- new piece of equipment is a athlete -- it’s myjob -- but we were tional building will probably cause He explained this saying that this pressed confidence that the money Stairmaster.” getting complaints that the permanenttraffic problems. When will “encourage the development will “make itself back 100 times Then, displaying complicated Stairmasters are real popular-like, asked where he proposes to dis- of the well-rounded, healthy stu- over” within six months of its graphs, Carzow uncovered the and I’m not about to open the gym place the Cousens parking lot, dent.” If a weight room iseasily completion, he said. - Tufts athletic coaches are the bane of our existence COACHES good about the proposed renova- that he doesn’t want divulged. game jerseys and sweaty socks. board, and we can feel safe with continued from page 7 tions to Cousens Gymnasium this “NO,”he said, “coach just thinks We’re just glad to have him on those two on the top. know much of anything about summer. “CousensSucks,”he said that sportswriters should get lives hockey, but I like that Zamboni recently. “And it will always suck.” and cover some other sport.” thingie that drives around in be- But hey, St. Nick, won’t you bring tween periods. That’s a neat car.” us a new weight room for Christ- The whole department relies The team is led on the ice by the mas? “Only if they fix the IM mostly on athletic director Don great threesome of sophomore Pat gym.” Rocco Carzo, who came to Tufts Ryan, and freshmen Doug Mean Baseball coach Casey Stingie after working for 27 years in New and Geoff Canary, a line that ac- isverytight-lippedabouthisteam’s York City’s most notorious Ma- counted for 97 percent of the Jum- chances for the 1993 season, but fioso family, the DiBiaggio’s. bos, scoring in 1992-93. The were with. hot-hitting catcher Eric Once known for his affinity for a whirling dervish on the ice, sort Shoulderpads, who is also a line- cement shoes, Don Carzo now of like watching Gretzky, Kurri, backer for the football team, any- prefers tennis shoes and an occa- and Anderson, and yet sort of like thing can happen. Third baseman sional light jog instead of the nor- watching Leno, Letterman, and Paul Svgdsmhtmw, .who lacks mal long walk on a short pier, so to Arsenio. I have no idea what that vowels but who has plenty of hit- speak. His right hand man is Jeff means. ting power, could be in for his best Cicia, who likes to keep a low Popodopolous also serves as season as a Jumbo. “Coach Casey profile after hiding ftom the Feds the athletic trainer, and although wouldn’t letme say anythingabout for so long. Apparently, Cicia’s -- - I 11 ., he has had to have surgery to re- the upcoming season,” said previousemployerwasinthelaun- Check out Jumbo hitting on the refqree! “Hey, is that a basketball move jock straps ftom his head Shoulderpads, who must have dry business -- money, that is -- in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?n twice in the past year, he feels some interesting strategic secrets but now, Jeff prefers to launder

BSO continued from page 5 has requested anonymity. Living? Long since passed away? You decide. Opinions may differ, but the fact re- our fifteen minutes of fame.” mains that John DiBiaggio has revealed to Most students interviewed reacted posi- the world a side that, until now, has been tively to this appointment. “DiBiaggio kept hidden. However, a talent like that should be able to handle it. That man exem- cannot be kept under wraps forever. This plifies grace under pressure,” said fresh- paper, and the music community at large, man Linda Williams. have two words for this brave man: “Thank “Whatever,” said another student who you.” Matthu reflects on life XMAS me to the salient point ofthis column. All of continued from page 5 life, in some way or the other, can be Mom, you’re a great lady) told me to put compared to It’s A Wonderful Life. Life in away my fishing rod and open a book. But a suburban town, when you’re James what could be better than sitting all day in Stewart, which is all of us, in some way or front of a lake, with a fishing pole, waiting the other, is all of life. for fish to bite? It’s such a me-ish activity, and to all ofyou who are looking down your And when you’re in that suburban town, nose at me, well, you just don’t get it. be sure to check out the Presbyterian Church Well, ladies and gentlemen, that brings fairs-they have great Christmas ornaments.

~ rison has done wonders for him, hasn! am the Lizard King! Icandoanything This is doodling space it? for that Thursday morning &tended block, in which you not only think your professor is quoting lines from last night’s episode of90210, but you’re wondering if that really was Fred Savage you saw in the bookstore on Monday. We have absolutely no idea who this man ause it’sone,two, three (four, five, six, Michael Dukakis’ best friend? is, or what he is doing, or what isup with (Sorry, no space to doodle.) seven... ) strikes and you’re out... that bow tie. Shouldn’t vou be takine- notes? THE TUFTS DAY IN AND DAY OUT Somewhere in the middle STILL MORE STUFF Here’s your damn Renovation ‘Tuftscoaches looking track article, already plws are forward to seasons by BIF BARF nenti as soon as they steppedoff Sportlight Spotlight the bus. by DEAN AND GENE WEEN DU brothers he intends to return After a strong performance at Manning, meanwhile, had a announced Stoned so much it hurts for a fifth year. this season’s Division I11 National busy day, as she went from the The Tufts athletics department And how about men’s soccer Championships, the Tufts men’s 55m to the 400m to the 4x400m by A SPECTATOR is blessed with so many fine names, coach Lou Ferrigno, who came to and women’s track teams can now relay, one right after the other. Who couldn’t care less so many fine people, so many Tufts after a brief stint as the big settle down for the equally strain- After her last race, she was so In a surprise press conference, wondrousteachers oftheir respec- green guy on TV’s “The Incred- ing spring schedule. exhausted that she fainted, after Tufts Athletic Director Pebble tive sports. From soccer to foot- ible Hulk?’ Although Lou has lost The men’s team, led by coach which coach Mack ran to a blue Carzow let it slipout thatthemuch- ball, basketball to baseball, squash some weight and grown some hair Connie Mack, finished 19th over- light to call TEMS. anticipatedrenovation of Cousens to tennis, lacrosse to hockey, the (and changed his wacky accent all at the championships, led by Of course, the meet was in Gym will be somewhat larger than Jumbos are led by men and women fiom Austrian to Australian), he is the three-and-a-half x 5 12.6m re- southernMaine, but TEMS blazed was planned. of skill and pride. the man behind the soccer miracle. lay team of The0 Huxtable, Jimmy up Rt.93 and made it to the scene This reporter feels obligated to Take for instance the football Next year’s starting goalie, Davey “The Greek” Lavallee, Adam just minutes after Manning hit the note that Carzow called reporters team, run by Duane “Rog and Re- Cavey, will have to fill in for gradu- Moonchildstarboyzappa, and deck. She was then rushed to at 5 a.m. to invite them to the Run” Ford, who led the gridiron ating star keeper Pat Dufus, who Damon Wayans. These four men Lawrence Memorial Hospital conference.Who the hell does that? boys all the way to Galway, Ire- set every record in the book. “Pat were a bolt of lightningat Bowdoin where doctors performed emer- Only an athlete. “Hey, pretend land this past fall. Although he has was great, but he sure smelled,” College last month when they gency surgery on her to remove you’re on the crew team. You re- said on repeated occasions that said Cavey last week. Hot-scoring sprinted to a 10thplace fmish over- that damned spandex. The safety porters need to be whipped into “sportswriters suck, the press forward Andy Ericson goes into all. shuttle was dispatched to LMH to shape,” he said. Too tired to see sucks, the Daily sucks, and Craig hisjunior year on pace to be one of Mack was most pleased with bring her safely back to campus, straight, thisjournalisttrekked over sucks,” we still like to ‘‘suck”up to Tufts’ most prolific scorers. His their performance, noting that, but after waiting for over an hour to the gym. No point in going back him because we know it turns him great speed and strong shooting “Lavallee had predicted a fourth for the van, Manning took matters to sleep. Besides, I knew I could on. He’s kind of wacky that way. power make him a threat to oppos- place finish correctly.” The cham- into her own hands and sprinted get my revenge in the paper. You The 1993 team will certainly ing defenses. “Andy really came pionships finish up an above-aver- back to campus in just under three wantcoverage, Carzow, you’ll get miss team captain Mike Frizzy, into his own last season,” said age winter for the men, who have minutes. it. Our way. who will be graduating this fall. Ferrigno. languished in relative anonymity In all, it was quite a day for the But I digress. Carzow splut- Big number 94 wreaked havoc all But what about softball coach until now. Jumbos, as they fmlyestablished tered to the bleary-eyed reporters, season long at defensive end, but Herman Munster, who also joined As for the women, coach themselves as one of the finest ”Well, like, I thought Tufts really with the big free agent market in the athleticdepartment afterwork- Branwen Smith-King-Jones- Wil- teams in the area. should be in the Ivy League, since the NFL, Frizzy is going for the ing in Hollywood? Although liams-Anderson-Cohen-Abdul- One note, by the way, men’s so many people who come to Tufts big bucks in Philadelphia, who Herman maintains that her acting Jabbar had every right to be ec- track star Jeff Stelnik was unable are Ivyrejects -- whoops, no one’s must fill Reggie White’s big shoes. days are over, she does a great staticafterher98.6~212relayteam to compete in the day’s events a reject here; we’re all OK. Any- Defensive back Todd Gobowling impression of Kevin Costner giv- blazed to a fourth place finish. because he was too busy writing had four interceptionsin one game ing his famous line from Bull see GYM, page 6 Comprised of Diane Heave-ho, Letters tothe Editor. Tough break. last season, and, like most of his Durham, “Youthrow the ball, you Cindy Zagnut, Erin Gilligan, and hit the ball, you catch the ball. And Show-and-tell Manning running I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, I FINAL FOUR EDITOR’S CHALLENGE wet kisses that last for three days.” the anchor leg, the foursome struck Back from the dead, here comes the EdChuck, fear into thehearts of their oppo- Women’strackcoachBranwen , Icompletewithitsowncollectionofrejectsandtheir Smith-King-Jones-Williams-Jor- dan-Cohen-Abdul-Jabbar main- tains that she had little to do with her squad’s recent successes, but we all know the truth. Men’s track coach Connie Mack decided to leave baseball after managing the Athletics for so many years, but even at his age, he can offer a great deal of expertise to the game. Name Alka Seltzer Can .Dice-Clay leff Ehrenkranz John KC Tom Couch Ice hockey coach St. Nick Position DTD reject ZBT, etc., reject Daily reject Reject EdChaIl reject Popodopoulos has had a rough go

~ -.~ ~~_... of it lately, but the team saw marked ChamDion I North Carolina Not Michigana---- UNLV Kentucky Kansas I Reason IBecause I’m a II applied there They have a Because their I don’t know improvementover its 3- 16-3 mark triple legacy at and they would well balanced players know what the hell fiom a year ago. Although the UNC. not let me in. I attack down how to handle I’m talking Jumbos still finished far below SOO, Popodopolous maintained an low and are want them all the campus about. I picked upbeat attitude. “I really don’t Ito die. heady. media. Seton Hall. see COACHES, page 6 TUFTS UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE All you have to do is pick the winner in each matchup, all the way to the final champion. The overall winner gets to be the next Chancellor of the University.

David Brinker ROTC Tristram Perrv I ITLGBC Blacks 1 I ECO I Jews

I The Tufts Daily Candace & Andy I I I I Fraternities Inter-Greek Council TCU Senate CHAMPION: TCU Judiciary TCU Senate You can stop reading now THAT’S ALL SHE WROTE Prince Spaghetti Day THE L LSTOF THE STUFF

THE FAR SIDE by (y. Ut2QNE

as Parisian brothel owner tonight - expect John 1 Smutty Flicks Madame Z. DiBiaggio and the Love 1 BALLOUHALL Slaves to open for Alexa 1 Living in Sin, a new film Real B a$ Leon-Prado & Joe Swimmer singinnNeil-- Diamond duets. documenting the X-rated Lcerts t escapades of Sol and Robyn C*l Gittleman when Robyn COUSENSGYM Presidentia1 moves the Ex College into A Spring Fling band, Ballou. Featuring plenty of surely to be in Cousen’s Lecture Series After one too many Bobble Knable backrubs, leather, lace, and whips and because it will undoubtedly HOTUNGCAFE Bruce Reitman wigs out and seeks chains - left to them in snow on that day. Since the Anna the Pizza Woman, University help as a last resort. JeanMayer’swill. Music by Concert Board has an who at least equals (probably Naturally, Health Services knew what to do. Jon Bon Jovi. unprecented amount of surpass) Spike Lee on dough this year - because intellectual thoughts; will the Daily sabotaged Fall THAT SCRAMBLED WORD UE EASTHALL speak tonight. JlWBAW!El@ Henry Miller Revisited, Concert - then Tufts is Tomorrow, Observer Unscramble these four Jumbles, inwhichthemenandwomen insured to paying a lot, Editor Mike Plotnick will one letter to each square. to form instead of a little, for four ordinary words of English Department discuss “Origins ofthe Black engage in a 24-hour orgy to mediocre bands. At least Hole” - what it’s like to raise funds to hire more Fouche’s on the Senate now. lead ameaninglesspaperthat sexual1y-deconstructable no one reads. faculty members. Starring Saturday, Randy Ravitz Lee Edelman as Henry, Liz WESTHALL speaks on how no one cares Ammons as June, Ronna Now that Dean Reitman’s about or attends Senate Johnson as Anais Nin, and gone insane, West Hall’s meetings. Seating limited to the 2nd Floor StaffAssistant redoing its Halloween Party five -don’t worry, no rush.

The Academy of Motion Pictures, I after awarding Best Actor Honors to AI Paano. Something Funny We Heard WEATHER REPORT r RNOIFM~I Now arrange the circled letters to If you’re reading this, you’re form the surprise answer, as sug “Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right - Illgested by the above cartoon. already outside and it’s too late and with your lover’s daughter.” to do anything about it, isn’t it? Print mswer - Woody Allen, with assistance from his gal Mia

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