Scripts.com

The Lady Vanishes

By George Axelrod

Page 1/46 Los, los weiter. Los weiter, schnell. Komm her da! - Platz da! - Das ist verboten. - Est-ce que le train de nuit pour Basel est l'heure ? - Nur fr Militr. - Vous ne parlez pas anglais ? - Bringen Sie die beiden weg. - Le type ne parle pas anglais. Caractristique. Ils les ont mis dans des uniformes et ils ne peuvent mme pas rpondre de simples questions. Der nchste Zug fr Zivilisten geht morgen. Pas de train jusqu' demain. Pas de train ? Nous avons rserv des places, mon cher. Eh bien, qu'est-ce que vous suggrez qu'on fasse, Charters? - Je suppose que nous ferions mieux de trouver un htel. - Je suppose que oui. Vous savez, les ... les mauvaises manires et les l'inefficacit de cette race sont abominable. Ils ne pourraient pas vendre des buccin. - Hotel. Ho-tel. - Oui, OK. Bitte. - Hotel. - OK. Schnell weitergehen. Apportez les valises, voulez-vous ? - Est ce que a va durer toutes la nuit ? - J'espre sincrement que non. Bonsoir. Une chambre pour deux avec une salle de bain prive, s'il vous plat. - Avec vue sur les montagnes. - Et WC spar. Je suis dsol, messieurs, il n'y a pas de chambres disponibles. - No rooms? - Impossible. This hotel is full. The trains are disrupted by military movements. You're welcome, of course, to sleep

Page 2/46 on the sofas in the upstairs lounge. - Sleep on the sofas? - In the lounge? Where are going to change for dinner? Slip into the old soup and fish. - I don't think he understands. - Maybe Bavarians don't dress for dinner. This is no time to be funny. Excuse me. Can you tell me if the night train to Basel is still delayed? It will leave at noon tomorrow, madam. Oh. Oh, how very unfortunate. - Third rate country, what do you expect? - Typical. (Shouting and cheering) Mmm! Wrong year, we'll have to send her back! Go on, Amanda, bash on regardless. Do you suppose they're some of the bright young things we read about in the press? Doesn't seem to me they're so very bright. Nor, may I say, so very young! - Everything all right, gentlemen? - Who are they? - Not British, I hope. - Probably Americans. More champagne! (All shouting and cheering) Ladies and gentlemen! It is my pleasure and honour... to present to you... - Mrs Amanda... - (Cheering) Metcalfe... Madvani... Von Hoffstetter Kelly! Who will favour us this evening... with one of her world famous imitations. (Cheering) Amanda! Amanda! We want Amanda! Amanda, my love! We want Amanda, Amanda, Amanda! We want Amanda!

Page 3/46 (Laughter) (Rants in mock German) (Men sing patriotic German song) Excuse me. Will you let me through? I...I'm a doctor. She looks uncomfortable. I'll loosen her clothing. No, that won't be necessary. (Doctor) You might have a headache for a day or two. Now, you need a good rest - and no more to drink. (Bell tolling) Hello? Hello? Bus for the station leaves in fifteen minutes. I say, there's a train here leaves Basel at 21:20. - Twenty from twenty-four... - Twenty past nine, that's no good. No, there's nothing later than last month. I don't suppose there's a wireless set hereabouts? Awful to be left in the dark, Caldicott. Our communications cut off in a time of crisis. Last news from home was grim. - "England on the brink." - Newspaper sensationalism. The old country's been in tight spots before. London? Mr Salter's call to London? Yes, hold on, I'll get him at once. Mr Salter. Mr Salter! Mr Salter! Go on, risk it. Go on, go on. Hello? I say, you in London. No, no, this isn't Salter. The name's Charters, we've sent for Salter. I say, what's happening to England? Blowing a gale? No, no, no, you don't follow me at all, sir. I'm inquiring about the Test match. The Te... Cricket, sir, cricket.

Page 4/46 You can't be in England and not know the Test score. - Fellow says he doesn't know. - Silly ass! Er, hello, are you there? I say, could you find out for us? Oh, nonsense. Only take a minute, what? Oh, very well. If you won't, you won't. Wasting my time. Fellow's an ignoramus. Let's get on the back of the bus before someone recognises me. Oh, darling, don't worry. No one here knows who you are. Well, they might, so get on. Go on, darling, quickly. Bus for the station leaves in eight minutes. Good God. Typical. Good morning, Mrs Kelly. You're looking very well. Very fetching. Actually, I feel fit, very fit indeed. Madly. Madly fit. - Would you like to sit down? - Thank you. Maybe I will. Just for a minute. - Where are your friends? - I don't know. Sleeping, I guess. They're staying on. I have to leave for London. Getting married on Friday. Getting married? Isn't that nice? Congratulations. - I've been married before, several times. - I know. Did I make an unholy spectacle of myself last night? - You could say that. - You were present? - I was. - And you didn't think it was funny either. To tell you the God's honest truth, I thought it was the most amazing exhibition of sheer dumbness I have ever seen.

Page 5/46 This whole continent is going to explode in about 20 minutes and what I think would be really dumb is if it was all triggered off by a madcap American heiress. Much-married madcap American heiress is how I'm referred to in the press. - Do I know you? - Robert Condon. - Photographer for Life magazine. - Life magazine? How amusing. They did my coming-out party at the Plaza. You weren't one of those cameramen trying to snap pictures in the ladies' room, were you? I'm sorry to say I was unable to attend. I was being kicked out of Spain at the time. - How impressive. - (Bell ringing) Last call! The bus for the station is leaving immediately. Hurry! God, I hope that maid's finished packing. I must go and see. - Mrs Kelly. - Yes? It's none of my business but are you going London like that? Oh, that? Oh, I can change on the train. - (Bell ringing) - Miss Kelly! The bus for the station is leaving immediately! You must come now! Miss Kelly, we can't wait! We'll miss the train! Miss Kelly! Have them send the luggage on to Mrs Amanda Metcalfe Madvani von Hoffstetter Kelly. No, make that Lady Amanda Ogilvie-Gore. You know how they love

Page 6/46 a title at Claridge's. - Or is it the Connaught? - (Bus hooting) What is the meaning, Miss Kelly? You will lose it! Hey! Bus! (Amanda shrieking) (PA) 'Passagiere bitte in den jetzt da stehenden Zug einsteigen.' - Frulein Froy! - Yes? - You are Frulein Froy? - Yes. - I have here your ticket. - Oh. Oh, but this is for a reserved seat. How very thoughtful of them. Thank you, thank you very much. If this train's on time at Basel, - we can catch the last day of the match. - Just hope it's like this at the Oval. The porter is putting the baggage on train for you. I'd like to have my hat case, please. - Let me carry that for you. - Danke schn. God, this place is teeming with British. Sie mssen sich beeilen, der Zug fhrt ab. (PA) 'Will passengers for Switzerland please board the train? - 'It will stop at Innsbruck, Bregenz...' - (Whistle blows) - 'Mullenbach, St Gallen and Basel.' - (Whistle blows) 'Please close the doors. The train is ready to leave.' This is the compartment of the Baroness von Kisling. All seats are reserved. Why don't you just dry up and blow away? I believe this is my seat. Here, let me take this. That's all right. I'll just fold it up

Page 7/46 and pop it up there on the rack. Thank you so much. - Darf ich Ihnen helfen? - Nein danke, das schaffe ich alleine. (Whistle blows) Hey Sie, kommen Sie her! Machen Sie schon. Mensch, wir brauchen Sie. Wo ist diese Person jetzt? Unterwegs zum Bahnhof. (Whistle blows) Can I do anything to help? You look as if you've been playing in a coal bin. Don't tell me I still have... Why don't we go and see if the dining car is open? A nice cup of tea will settle your tummy. And we'll stop in the washroom and wash it off! By all means. (Laughter) I said to them, "Don't you play in the coal bin any more." Thank you. - Oh! - Oh! I'm sorry. Do forgive me. Very clumsy. That's all right. I'm just waiting for the waiter. - If I see him, shall I send him back? - Thank you. Thank you so much. What a handsome couple. She reminds me of an actress. There are more English people on this train than there are in Piccadilly Circus. Darling, I do think you're developing a persecution complex. The last day in the hotel was a nightmare. Skulking in the corridors, - dinner in our room... - Well, I am not exactly unknown. We missed all the fun. Apparently, that

Page 8/46 American girl did an imitation of Hitler. - Really? How lovely(!) - I wish we'd been there. I could have done my Mussolini. I do a splendid Mussolini. Oh, darling. Do stop worrying. I promise you, that poor lady has no idea who you are. - Well, it is better to be safe than sorry. - Mm, yes. Anyway, isn't it rather nicer to be alone? Wollen Sie hier Platz nehmen? They're very friendly, Germans, once you know them. I've spent four years here. - Guten Tag. - I think I'll have a nice cup of tea. Would you like tea or some nice warm Bovril? Whisky. Large whisky and soda, please. - Whisky and soda? - Large. - And a pot of tea? - Yes. Oh, just one moment. Er... Would you mind using this? Harriman's Herbal, as drunk by a million Mexicans. "A soothing compound to settle the stomach and soothe the nerves." - Are you sure you won't try some? - I've never been more sure of anything. It's your tummy, you know what to put into it. Just one moment... Ginger snaps. Would you pop these onto a plate, please? And be sure that the water is really boiling for the tea. - Certainly, madam. - Yes. I don't suppose it's really drunk by a million Mexicans but it does make a lovely cup of tea. - By the way, my name is Froy.

Page 9/46 - Did you say Freud? - (Train roars past) - Not Freud, Froy. I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Froy. Rhymes with "joy"! Oh, Froy. Froy! I'm a children's governess and music teacher. I've just spent an unforgettable four years in Bavaria. Now I'm going back to England. To Brighton, that's where my home is. Well, Hove actually, it's just down the coast a bit. I work for General von Reider. Mm, very attractive. He's such a fine man and such dear children. - Ahh. - I hated leaving them. But with things the way they are it seemed best for me to be off home. Shame. We had such lovely times together at the castle. Twenty four in service, plus five gardeners. - Really? - I had a lovely room. - Like to see a picture? - Love to. There it is. There I am, right up in the north tower. The ceiling was all painted blue - like peacock feathers, lined with gold. And mirrors in the most unusual places. Thank you. Would you reserve two places for lunch, please? - If you'd care to have it with me. - If I'm still alive. Well, here we go. Once more into the breach. - Try to make it for the first sitting. - Certainly, madam.

Page 10/46 - Thank you. - (Caldicott) It's a moot point. There's nothing moot about it. The fellow simply was not out. If it hadn't been for the umpires, he'd be batting still. - I do not understand. If... - I'll show you. I saw it. I saw the whole thing. Look. Here's Hutton at the wicket, there's the umpire, Constantine bowling. Stollmeyer, Headley, Sealy... Oh, dear, he's forgot the sugar. He's at the gasworks end, so the light was on his right. Constantine bowls. - Would you pass the sugar, please? - Pardon? May I trouble you for the sugar? I... If you'd be kind enough to pass the sugar. Thank you. Thank you very much. Don't mention it. Los, wir mssen uns beeilen. Ab! (Laughter) Shh! - I think I'll take a nap too. - That's a very good idea. Cover up with your nice fur coat. It's lovely and soft. It is soft, isn't it? Yes. I was given a squirrel coat by a woman I worked for but it was always getting caught in my bicycle wheel. Now, you have a good sleep and then I'll wake you up in time for a good, hot lunch. (Whistles) Danke. (Mouths) (Whistles melody) (Train whistle)

Page 11/46 Excuse me. The English lady that was sitting there, do you know where she went? There has been no English lady here. - Excuse me? - There has been no English lady here. You had perhaps a dream. It wasn't a dream. I'm talking about the lady that was sitting right there. We went to the dining car. You remember, you gave her the chocolate. - Ich versteh nicht. - You are, I think, still half asleep. You went and came back alone. You don't understand. I'm talking about the lady. The English lady in the brown hat. I was feeling ill and she took care of me. We went to the dining car. - She had tea and I had whisky. - Whisky? That, no doubt, is what is making you confused. If this is some kind of practical joke, I find it very unfunny. - Oh, waiter? - Yes, madam? - You served me, right? - Yes, madam. Remember the lady with the brown hat? Have you seen her again? But madam was alone. Don't be absurd. Of course I wasn't alone. She gave you a pack of tea. Something horrible called Harriman's Herbal. - You must remember that. - There was no tea, madam. Just a whisky and soda. A large whisky and soda. Not only that, she paid the check. I'm sorry, madam, but it was you who paid. I have the bill

Page 12/46 if madam would care to look. Never mind. I'll find her myself. Excuse me, I'm terribly sorry to disturb you... Ah, Mrs Kelly! Which I presume still is your name, unless you've gotten married again on the train. - You're a swine. - You know Mrs Rose Flood Porter... - A complete swine. - ..and Dr Hartz who saved you last night. Why didn't you tell me I had that moustache? My mother taught me it was bad manners to make personal remarks and if, "Hey, lady, your moustache is showing," isn't a personal remark I've never heard one! Dr Hartz... Please! I'm delighted to see you looking well. No trouble with the head? Clearly just the usual. There's a woman missing on this train. I saw her. Now people keep saying she was never there! - Lovely weather we're having. - Really lovely. - Oh. - Really very lovely. - Quite warm. - Not unpleasantly so, though. - I find it very pleasant indeed. - Very pleasant. Look! If you wanna talk about the weather like a bunch of creeps, go ahead! That knock on the head last night, I wonder if it has affected her? - Imbibes, does she? - Drinks like a fish. Blind as a hoot owl, drunk as a skunk. Disgraceful! - Mrs Kelly...

Page 13/46 - Leave me alone! - Just take it easy. - Will you let go of me? You're hysterical! Mrs Kelly... May I ask what exactly was troubling you... - It's Miss Froy. - Who? This very sweet English lady who was in my compartment. - Yes? - We went and had tea. Well, she had tea, Harriman's Herbal, a million Mexicans drink it. I very sensibly had a large whisky and soda. - Oh. - We came back, I went to sleep... - Passed out. - Shut up, swine. When I woke up, she was gone. And now, everybody says she was never there, she never existed. Even the waiter who brought her tea, even he says that he never saw her. Now, are they all crazy or am I crazy or what? Hmm. Why don't we go and have another talk with them? Perhaps it's just a misunderstanding, something to do with the language. Come with me. It's that one. She speaks English as well as I do, so go in there, tell her you're a doctor and that I won't take any more of this. Er, please forgive me. There seems to have been a misunderstanding. Misunderstanding? Permit me to introduce myself. My name is Dr Hartz, Dr Egon Hartz. Dr Hartz? I am the Baroness Kisling. I'm honoured, Baroness. And may I present

Page 14/46 my American friends, Mrs Kelly and Mr Condon, a famous American newspaperman. The Baroness Kisling. A great pleasure. Mrs Kelly and I are travelling together, though we have not been formally introduced. And now, this misunderstanding. The English lady sitting there, the one you said you never saw. I say I did not see her because I did not see her. And I did not see her because she was never here. What about these other lovely people? My servants and their daughter. Ask them if you like. She speaks no English. hm, sagen Sie, knnen Sie sich an eine englische Dame hier erinnern? Mrs Kelly behauptet, sie wre gegenber einer englischen Dame gesessen, - die dann pltzlich verschwand. - Nein. Did your Miss Froy have a bag or something? Yes! A great big leather one. She kept it right up... there. OK. Well, a lot of other people saw her too. Those two grumpy Englishmen in the dining car and those two down there. Please forgive us. Sorry to disturb you. Remember the English lady who fell in here? (Man) An English lady who fell into my compartment? No. no, I'm afraid not. - Come on! I know you both saw. - This is a little preposterous. The answer is no. Will you excuse me? That rat. I'm gonna find Miss Froy if I have to stop this train!

Page 15/46 (Robert) What about the guys in the dining car? That Englishman! You there, Caldicott? It's Charters. Can I come in? - What is it, old man? - It's that American girl again. - Says she's lost her friend. - Well, she's not in here. No, no. She's threatening to stop the train! - Oh, Lord! - We'll miss our connection to Basel. - This is serious, Charters. - That's him, that's him. Hold on, please. I was wondering if you could help us? - Help you? - I was having tea with an English lady. - You saw her. - I don't know, I was talking to my friend. Absolutely. You were at the next table playing some game. She borrowed the sugar. - I recall passing the sugar. - Then you saw her. I was in deep conversation. We were discussing cricket. I don't see how a dumb game like cricket can make you forget seeing somebody. Then there's nothing further to be said. Excuse me. - Excuse me. - "Dumb game like cricket"! Typical! You saw her! I know you did! - Mrs Kelly. - But they saw her! Mrs Kelly, please don't misunderstand me. I'm not a teetotaller myself. I do, in fact, adore a drop of champagne. But would you tell me how much... I'm not even a little bit drunk!

Page 16/46 You wanna see me walk a straight line? Watch! - See? - (Train screeches) - Are you all right? - Yes. - Why are we slowing down? - I don't know. (Train whistle) (Amanda) What is it? (Hartz) An accident. Every holiday it is like this. Last April I was in Klosters for spring skiing. First day, a girl went headfirst into a tree. I spent three weeks operating on her. In the end I saved her face and ruined my holiday. I hope she was very rich and you charged her a fortune. I did but it turned out she was having an affair with the skiing instructor, the husband found out and refused to pay my bill. It's a terrible story. We're stopping. You watch that side. Make sure she doesn't get off. Was ist los? - Was ist geschehen? - There goes the trainmaster. Soon they'll all be shouting, "Is there a doctor on the train?" Wir suchen einen Mord. I wish I could imitate your Miss Froy and vanish. - Somebody could be badly hurt. - Yes, of course, you're right. Excuse me. Here we go again. - See anything? - (Robert) Nothing. That Dr Hartz, he's very sweet. Even if he did almost call me an alcoholic. - Why don't you marry him? - Shut up. - Every girl should marry a doctor once.

Page 17/46 - Watch! Swine! An automobile accident. The face. Luckily there's an excellent hospital in Mullenbach. I can operate there. O God, please, this time no amorous skiing instructor, only a rich husband. Vorsichtig. Ganz langsam. (Train whistle) Not one old lady did I see. Me either. That means she's still on this train. You don't give up, do you? Why did you lie to those people? Lie? I just didn't want to get involved in some sort of inquiry, that's all. - Inquiry? - That girl's capable of anything. If some idiot woman has disappeared and I'd seen her, we'd both be called as witnesses, wouldn't we? So? It might be difficult to explain what we're doing larking about in Bavaria when your husband thinks you're on a cruise with your cousins and my wife is under the impression that I'm on confidential business for the Prime Minister in Paris. Larking about? Is that what we're doing? Under the improbable name of Todhunter. Todhunter's a sweet name. We had an Airedale named Todhunter. I'm sure. Look, the last thing we want is some sort of scandal. - Is that the last thing we want? - Yes. Yes, it is. Oh. You don't believe me because I'm a girl. She could be in a concentration camp. We've heard of concentration camps, have we?

Page 18/46 - Of course! - This is a great moment. The social conscience meets the social register. Excuse me. You know that lady you're looking for? - Yes. - I saw her. - She was wearing green tweeds? - Yes. - And a brown hat? - With a feather. - I saw her with you in our compartment. - You husband said he hadn't seen her. He didn't notice but after you'd gone I remembered quite clearly. - You actually did see her? - Yes. Would you be willing to make a statement? - Yes. - See, dummy? I was right! Now let's find that Nazi creep and tell him his train's gotta be searched! (Horn) War der Zug pnktlich? And I told them that we saw that lady who stumbled into our carriage. Have you taken leave of your senses? Oh, darling, look. If there's a scandal, there's a scandal. We'll weather it together. And then, after the divorces... Divorce?! You've missed the point. If there is a scandal, the Major will divorce you, I've no doubt about that. But Iris will never divorce me. She wouldn't want it. I wouldn't want it. When two considerable fortunes are intertwined, marriage becomes a very sacred thing.

Page 19/46 Very, very sacred. No, you stick to the Major. He's a poor thing but he's all you've got. And frankly without him, life could be very difficult for you. - Niemand verschwindet... - Why doesn't he talk in English? He's saying it's impossible for a lady to vanish from a moving train. I don't care. I want this train searched. - Hello. - Ich hab Sie berall gesucht. - What is she saying? - They've been looking all over for you, that your friend has come back. Come back? Miss Froy's come back? Why would she lie about that? Gesundheit. Danke schn. - See? Miss Froy didn't vanish. - Maybe she tried to escape. - From what? - From you. - Why me? - The madcap heiress can be a pain! There she is! Think she'd mind if I ask her for her autograph? This isn't Miss Froy. Excuse me. Excuse me. I know this sounds idiotic but are you Miss Froy? Miss Froy? Nein. I'm Frau Kummer. I've never seen this woman before in my life. I assisted you when you were unwell then when you slept I went to another car. When Mrs Kelly awakened, she kept asking for some English lady. I did not connect her with my friend Frau Kummer. These are green tweeds, are they not?

Page 20/46 Yes. And that is a hat with a feather and a pin that's like a horseshoe? Everything's the same. But it isn't her. The poor child is surely distrait. Perhaps your doctor friend could give her a sedative? I am not distrait and I do not need a sedative. I can work this out. There's an Englishwoman who claims to have seen you earlier. As a great favour, madame, could you come with us just for a minute? I will come. Hello. Please forgive me for bothering you but I'd like to ask... Hello! I'm sorry but could you tell us, please, is this the woman you saw, who fell into the compartment? She's not even a little bit like her, is she? Yes, this is the woman. Are you absolutely sure? Yes. Perfectly. She isn't. She isn't! Will that be all? Yes. Thank you very much and please forgive us for troubling you. Er, may I? She's lying. They're all lying. But why? Why? Why? You know, I've been hit over the head myself. In Spain, I got too close to a grenade and when I woke up, Ernest Hemingway and I were in a poker game with Karl Marx and Jean Harlow. Stop treating me like a child! If you really wanted to help you'd buy me a drink. - Don't you think... - No. And I don't need another nanny. Really? Then why

Page 21/46 did you dream one up? - I didn't! - That's what you did. Suddenly your friends aren't there. You're in a country where you don't speak the language. You're a little lonely, a little scared. So you go to sleep in the compartment and you dream of a nice British nanny who's going to take care of you. Now I'd like... a nice double whisky with another double whisky as a chaser. - Waiter! - Coming, sir. - Four double whiskies, please. - The same for me, please. Very good, madam. What did you mean, scared? - Scared? - Before, you said I was scared. Well, I just thought under all that madcap heiress stuff. Maybe you're right. Maybe I am. Not scared exactly. But a little nervous. I'm 30 soon. I'll have to get married and settle down. You're getting married on Friday. I am but that's just Rupert. You know Rupert. - I don't. - You're not missing a thing. - Why marry him? - I always marry for money. Are you telling me that you married all those assorted people just for money? - Mm-hm. - How could you? Where there's a will, there's a way. In this case, the will was my grandfather's. When I got kicked out of Brearley for smoking and writing obscenities

Page 22/46 on the blackboard... I didn't know any obscenities to write then. All I could think of was, "Miss Farnham was a big cheese." "Miss Farnham IS a big cheese." To Miss Farnham. Grandfather started to get nervous. To encourage me to settle down he changed his will so I that I'd get a million dollars when I got married. Mummy and Daddy were divorced and they had me on this miniscule allowance. So when I met Madvani one night I said, "Let's get married and split the million". This is the worst, most heartbreaking story I have ever heard in my life. Actually, it turned out very nicely. Better for me then Madvani. He had to split his half with his boyfriend. - With his boyfriend? - Mm. The marriage was annulled. But the great thing was, you see, Grandfather never said I could only get married once. Cool million every time. So you never actually had any... (Clears throat) ..relations with Madvani? Relations? He wouldn't let me pick the fabric for the maid's room! - What about von Hoffstetter? - I was wiser by then. In many ways quite mature. Hoffy only got 100,000. - You mean you never... - Have you ever seen von Hoffstetter? No. What about Kelly? He was Daddy's chauffeur. He was a little different. In what way was he different? I don't know. I said to myself, "Suds, it's ridiculous "to have been married three times and still be a..."

Page 23/46 So you gave yourself to him. Body and soul. I loved every minute of it. All three of 'em. But he already had a wife in Perth Amboy, New Jersey. - Really? - He's just lucky he didn't go to jail. Apparently they make a fuss about bigamy, especially in places like Perth Amboy, New Jersey. In the end he was really very sweet. Wouldn't take a cent. Lovely. And Rupert on Friday. How much is his payoff? Well, Rupert held out for fifty-fifty. But he's English and poor and I keep the title even after the divorce, so I said, "What the hell, it's only money." What the hell, it's only money. My God, look. There it is. What? There, on the window. - I don't see anything. - There! Miss Froy! Froy, on the window. Miss Froy! It's gone. - But you must have seen it! - Seen what? She wrote her name on the window after giving the waiter her tea. You think I'd dream something like that?! I knew it was a bad idea to order alcohol on top of your concussion. Just... I won't "just". Miss Froy is still on this train. Don't just sit there like a dummy. Do something! Well, if you won't, I will. I'm gonna stop this train. Everybody! There's a woman missing on this train! Miss Froy. God knows what they're doing to her.

Page 24/46 Help me find her, please! It's neurosis. It's nothing to be ashamed of, everybody's neurotic. Luckily for us, Sigmund Freund just moved to London. (Shouting in German) Shut up! - Aussteigen! - So's your old man! - Next stop, out, out, out! - OK, OK! I think they're gonna kick you off at the next stop. Mr Condon, we shall arrive in Mullenbach in half an hour. I shall be getting off there with my patient. If you could persuade Mrs Kelly, she could spend the night in a private ward. Forget it, Doc. Nobody's gonna persuade me to do anything. Now, I wish you'd all leave me alone. Come back to my compartment. Will you please just...get lost! Ich hab gesagt, Sie mssen aussteigen! - Geht in Ordnung. - It is good. Jawohl, Herr Doktor. Go get some strudel. The poor child is exhausted. Why do you not let her rest? I will make certain she is all right. What do you think, Doctor? - I think I will say goodbye now. - Goodbye? Goodbye, Mr Condon, and good luck. I'm booked to London so I'll make sure she gets to her bridegroom in one piece. - Very well. - And thank you. Don't mention it. - Bye, Mrs Kelly. - Goodbye. - Are you sure you don't mind?

Page 25/46 - I am sure. Watch out for yourself, buster. Watch out. - OK, Baroness. Now we can talk. - Talk? You're obviously a very intelligent person, right? And you know we both saw Miss Froy, right? Which means you have some very intelligent reason for saying you didn't see her. I don't understand why you're being so mysterious. OK. You won't talk. Ten minutes late thanks to that fool of a girl. You couldn't put it to her in some way? - What? - People don't just vanish and so forth. - She has. - What? - Vanished. - Who? That nanny person. Yes. - Well? - I mean, how could she? - What? - Vanish. - I don't know. - Exactly. People don't just disappear. - Nonsense. Done every day in India. - What? - Rope trick. - Oh, that. (Baroness) Hans, mach das Fenster auf. Jawohl, Baroness. It was some time before I could endure one again. I've ordered a nice cutlet of salmon and a small leg of lamb. Peas if possible.

Page 26/46 (Rose) ..what the weather's been like. At least the leaves won't have fallen. I hate the leaves. Still, when they're burning the smell is beautiful. (Baroness screams) Thank God, thank God! I know you think I'm crazy but they're trying to kill me! - Maybe I am crazy... - You're not crazy at all! - ..living beyond my emotional means. - "Beyond my emotional means"? Good. I was in my compartment when the darnedest thing happened. - What? - Some rubbish hit the window and plastered on the glass before my eyes was a label - a tea label. Harriman's Herbal. - Harriman's Herbal! - A gaudy design in four or five colours. A strange thought crossed my mind. An actual thought? Do tell! "My God," I thought, "maybe that crazy girl "with the wild body and no brassiere is right!" If there is a Miss Froy we'd better find her! That was quite a thought. It would have been nice if you'd thought it a couple of hours ago. Let's go! Miss Froy! Miss Froy? - Miss Froy! - (Shuffling) Miss Froy... Miss Froy? Nice, nice. You go back to sleep now, that's a nice cow. Well, I guess that's about that. We've looked everywhere. Look! They're Miss Froy's and they're broken. Must have been a struggle.

Page 27/46 That poor woman. The eyeglasses. They are probably of the Baroness. I will take them, bitte. Bitte, bitte, schmitter. - That's German, isn't it? - You got the wrong number. Let go. You just let... Bop him! I hit him with my best shot and he doesn't even blink. In the movies a shot like that... Drop him! Give him a Dutch rub! You get your fist and you rub it on his head as hard as you can! I learnt it at boarding school. (Man screams) (Amanda shrieking) The Indian burn! The Indian burn! You take a person's wrist like this and you twist as hard as you can and... it's supposed to paralyse them. (Yells) You're better at this. You fight him and I'll jump up and down and give advice. That was really very well done! Thank you very much. But where would you have been without the Dutch rub and the Indian burn? That's true. - You know something? - What? You have very nice legs. I beg your pardon? I was just remarking. You have very nice legs. In what sense? In the sense of them being well formed, shapely. - Shapely? - I hadn't noticed because of the dress. So there really is a Miss Froy, eh? That nice man out there did try to kill you. So it would seem. So it would seem.

Page 28/46 Those nice people in the compartment did try to shove me out the window. But why are they doing it? What do they want? How would I know what they want? Love, money, power, immortality? - Would you please be serious? - Serious? Look at my hands. They're shaking. I'm literally trembling with fright. OK. Time to start choosing up sides. If there is a conspiracy, we'd better figure out who's in on it. As far as I know the whole train's in on it, except you and Dr Hartz. Dr Hartz. Right... Come on. Let's start collecting our forces. Dr Hartz is lucky I didn't go to his hospital. I wouldn't have paid him and if he'd sent the bill to Kelly, tough. He hasn't a dime. Well, he's not there. I wonder if we should... Wait a minute. I got a wild idea. What if that patient in there is Miss Froy? The patient didn't come on the train until after she disappeared, dummy. No, wait, I refuse to be demoted back to dummy. - Did you notice anything about the nun? - No. I don't think she's a real nun at all. They're not supposed to wear high heels, are they? High heels? High heels. You're right. - Actually, she's got great legs. - Legs again. You have a fetish. Try to think carefully. Did you actually see Mrs Kummer get on the train? - No. - OK. Suppose, just suppose, they decoyed Miss Froy

Page 29/46 to the baggage car and at the first stop the patient came on the train and the patient is Mrs Kummer. Then Mrs Kummer becomes Miss Froy and Miss Froy becomes that thing in there. Why would they wanna kidnap a sweet, harmless English nanny? Maybe she's not. This is Nazi Germany, war's gonna break out in about 20 minutes. Maybe she's a sweet, harmless, English spy. A spy? How exciting. Excuse me. Do you speak English? May we take a look at your patient? We think that she is an Englishwoman. Schwester, Sister, sit down, relax. Just relax. Just... - Listen, Doc... - Oh, hello. We now have absolute proof that Miss Froy's on this train. Miss Froy? Oh, the vanishing English lady. Doctor, you won't believe this but nutstuff here is right. And Albert Einstein here thinks that your patient is our Miss Froy. My children, what are you trying to do to me? You can't be serious. Well, I-I don't know. It seemed a possibility. Doc, how about it? Let us have one little peek. If it's not Miss Froy, we'll get out of your hair. - You want me to remove the bandages? - No, just enough so we can have a peek. - Just so we can see the face. - But there is no face. Please. That's why I'm getting off at Mullenbach. I must operate as soon as possible.

Page 30/46 I want the blood pressure again, please. - Have you looked under there? - Of course not. The bandages can only be removed in a hospital. - One little tiny... - Please. If there is a mystery of some kind, I want to get to the bottom of it too. There is an empty compartment next door. I'll join you in a moment. - All right. But please hurry. - Of course. - Right next door? - Just here. Do you think you could refrain from smoking until we are off this train? - I'm sorry, I'm very nervous. - I'm nervous too. There's no point in our both being nervous. It's a foolish duplication of effort. I think the time has come... to use this. Order some drinks. I hope for both our sakes that you and Catherine know what you're doing. Yes, try to relax. In fifteen minutes it will all be over. (Amanda) Have you got a cigarette? (Robert) You wanna smoke my pipe? Now, tell me, really. What is this? A practical joke of some kind? - You are both very young, attractive... - Can we talk about the nun? The one looking after your patient. What do you know about her? Know about her? Well, nothing. I was told she's from a convent close to where the accident occurred. Don't you think it's funny that she's wearing sexy shoes? - She is?

Page 31/46 - (Both) She is. I must be getting old, I didn't notice. (Amanda) She can't be a real nun. It's a conspiracy, that's all it can be. All these people say they haven't seen Miss Froy. We found her glasses in the baggage car. They were broken. I can't... This is all too fantastic. - Would you care for a drink? I need one. - But, Doc... Please, remain seated. I've got a bottle next door. I won't be long. Dr Hartz is the one who's an alcoholic. For you. I think the nun's his girlfriend and they're trying to run off together. - Yes, she's probably a German heiress... - Shh! In spite of what you've been telling me... Cheers! I stole a look at the nun's shoes. They seemed perfectly all right to me. Though I must say, you've both added a certain excitement to what would have been a depressing journey. In the beginning I assumed it was Mrs Kelly's imagination but now even you seem to believe in a conspiracy? Doctor, against the word of one demonstrably crazy American girl, we have a waiter who denies serving the tea. Waiters can be bribed. - And the Baroness. - A Nazi if I ever saw one. She tried to push me out the window. - The guy working for her tried to kill me. - You do believe us, don't you? I'm very sorry to say so...but yes. Yes, I do believe you. The patient is Miss Froy.

Page 32/46 (Amanda) How do you know? What's going on? In a rightly ordered world, things like this would not be necessary but the world is not a rightly ordered place. (Robert) What are you talking about? Miss Froy will leave this train at Mullenbach and, er...quietly disappear. No, she won't. I'll make such an almighty stink you'll never hear the end of it. With respect, Mrs Kelly, nobody believes you now. Nobody will believe you later. - I believe her. - Did you actually see Miss Froy? How can somebody who seemed so nice... suddenly be so awful? I'm doing now what I must do but with great regret, believe me. I suggest you sit down. Sit down! The drinks you just had should be taking effect in a moment. - What? - They contained hydracine. That's a new drug which has the effect, in small quantities, of paralysing the brain and rendering the victim unconscious for a considerable time. Don't move. The trainmaster has been told that you're trying to interfere with my patient and that under no circumstances are you to leave this compartment. He would kill you without the slightest hesitation. I must say goodbye. If we should meet again, I hope it'll be under happier circumstances. We're gonna die! - No! We've simply been drugged.

Page 33/46 - We're gonna die! There's a lady next door about to be murdered. We must do something. - I'm sorry! - Keep moving. - Do exercises, touch your toes. - You're not a swine or a dummy. You're not even... Don't leave me! I don't wanna die! Listen! You are not going to die, we've just been drugged. Take a nap. I'm not cut out for this hero stuff. Whoo! (Grunts) (Train whistle) Danke schn. Danke. Oh... Danke. Wunderbar! Oh...das war knapp. Danke schn. Thank you very much. You don't have - I forget the word - aspirin? I have this headache. My hands are trembling with sheer terror, look. I'm going to suffer a major cardiac arrest. Oh, yes, I've been drugged! - I'm beyond aspirin. - I put nothing in your drink. You speak English? Of course you do, I just heard you. Unless you memorised "You have not been drugged". You... You're standing here quite literally gibbering! Right, I fought this huge person, climbed outside the train and hung in the tunnel, I've every right to gibber! There's no time if this woman is to be saved. Miss Froy! Are you all right? Where's Dr Hartz? Back there, I suppose, with his aunt the Baroness. - The Baroness is his aunt? - Yes, and I'm his wife.

Page 34/46 I'm sure there's a very simple explanation for all of this. - You're a bunch of Nazis! - Of course not! Egon's family are frightened. If it is discovered that there is an anti-Nazi... - Concentration camps for one and all. - No! Yes. I don't know. Would you please let me do this? Miss Froy! Miss Froy, are you all right? Yes, I'm quite all right. Oh, but it is nice to see a friendly face. - Get up. Get up! - That woman is wearing my clothes. There's one mean-lookin' Nazi out there but I could take him. - What are you doing? - I'm taking my pulse. Use this. Kommen Sie schnell her, ich muss mit Ihnen sprechen. Was wnschen Sie? I keep hitting people over the head and they don't even blink. Ahh. That'll keep him. Good thinking. OK, let's get out of here right away. I never really believed we would make it. I'm not going with you. - What are you talking about? - I agreed to help because I loved you. I still do. But Egon, why are we doing this? You know perfectly well why. All this talk about the General betraying the family honour. You're terrified the Nazis will confiscate your land, your money. You'd even support Hitler to protect these things but I can't! - You're being ridiculous. - Come with me! We can be together. I married a wonderful,

Page 35/46 courageous doctor, not a murderer. Please, Egon! Egon, I think it's time... What is it? Bahnhof Mullenbach. Kurzer Aufenthalt. Der Schnellzug nach Basel fhrt in Krze von Gleis 2 ab. Bahnhof Mullenbach. Egon! Careful. Bitte. Vorsichtig, ja. They've got the stretcher off the train. There's the Baroness... the sweet Doctor... the nun... Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay! It looks like we're gonna get away with it. What's the matter? What is it? (Countess) We must go at once. We must move! Open the bandages. Open the bandages. Why don't they start the train? Germans can't leave the station until somebody gets somebody to sign something that doesn't mean anything. Where is she?! Where is she? You fool! Blunderer! Sie, ich muss unbedingt den Vorsteher sprechen. Bitte folgen Sie mir. - Eintritt verboten. - Heil Hitler. What is going on? - Berger, kuppeln Sie die Wagen ab. - Jawohl. Helfen Sie ihm. Man muss die Wagen unauffllig auf ein totes Gleis schieben. Reden Sie nicht, tun Sie was! - Stellwerk? Wagen auf Stumpfgleis 3. - Stumpfgleis 3.

Page 36/46 (Train whistle) Es bewegt sich. Hier spricht ein Offizier der SS. 'Tun Sie, was Ihnen befohlen ist.' - Aber das ist gefhrlich. - 'Sofort.' Jawohl. Zu Befehl. Scheie. Was ist los? The ambulance has started. (Robert) There it goes! - Miss Froy? - Miss Froy! Are you all right? - Are you all right? - (Laughing) Yes! Oh, do forgive me. This reminds me of a party we had at Staffordshire House in Gloucestershire. We were playing a game of sardines. The butler and I were hiding in Lady Beddington's wardrobe and we found this bottle of Haig and Haig amongst the shoes. - Miss Froy, we made it! - Yes. - We made it! - Yes! Well, you know what they say. "Patience and fortitude "got the snail to Jerusalem." - Who's the gun? - Mrs Kelly! - I have a confession to make. - You do? In spite of your ridiculous hair, I find you strangely attractive. Don't just sit there, dummy. # Gimme a little kiss # Will you, huh? # And I'll give it right back to you # Excuse me. Just going to go and powder my nose. Be right back. Excuse me. Excuse me but the most extraordinary thing seems to have happened.

Page 37/46 - We've lost the rest of the train. - I beg your pardon? I don't quite know how to describe it. Well, the rest of the train, it's just not there. Oh, my God. They have uncoupled us from the rest of the train. Miss Froy, it's time you told us who you are and why they're after you. Condon thinks you're a spy. If you are, you can trust us. We won't tell a soul. A spy? Oh, don't be so silly. I'm on my way home to Brighton. Hove, actually, it's down the coast a bit. Are we still in Germany? I guess so. Do you think there's anybody else left on the train? Well, there's this car... and the dining car - but there wouldn't be anybody on there now. It's tea time, I think you'll find that all the English people are there. - There, you see. - Hm? She's turned up after all. - The luck must have stuck. - Storm in a teacup. Listen to me, ladies and gentlemen, please listen. An attempt has been made to abduct this woman by force. - What's he nattering on about? - They've uncoupled us from the rest of the train. - Uncoupled? - They don't abduct people and they don't uncouple trains. You've made this entire journey unbearable. - Hear! Hear! - What is this nonsense? - Don't be such a drip! Go take a look! - Drip? If this is a practical joke,

Page 38/46 I warn you, I shan't think it very funny. Good Lord, he's right, Charters. Uncoupled us? What will have they done with the bags? - (Mrs Todhunter) Someone's coming. - Good heavens, it's Helmut. But he appears to be a Nazi. (Miss Froy) He is. Well, they can't do anything to us. We're British. How do you know him? He's the eldest son of the family I worked for. Ladies and gentlemen... I would like to apologise for this delay. I can only assure you that it is a matter of extreme seriousness and that the security of my country is involved. - Speak up! - You have, on the train, a woman travelling with a British passport, under the name of Froy. She is urgently wanted for questioning... If Frulein Froy will come with me now, the train will be rerouted and you will be across the Swiss border in a matter of minutes. Miss Froy, what is going on? Oh, there must be some mistake. Helmut's just being silly. He had tea with us in the nursery all the time. Miss Froy, you should leave the train without further delay. Ladies and gentlemen, you are on German territory. I am making a perfectly legal request. Turn over the woman to me now or, much as I regret it, we will board the train and take her by force. I think you ought to go with him.

Page 39/46 There's obviously a misunderstanding. Once they've sorted it out they'll put you on the next train with their apologies, probably their blessing. He might look like a music-hall usher but that's an SS uniform he's wearing. Miss Froy is staying right here. Evelyn, how did we get involved in something like this? - What do you think you're doing? - Sorry. I'm overly excited. I haven't had one of these in my hand before. - I thought you were a big deal in Spain! - I am a photographer. I take pictures of other people shooting guns. (Helmut) You have exactly one minute. If you do not, I cannot be responsible for what will happen. Anyone who wishes to leave the train should do so now. (Todhunter) Well... Im Wald verstecken. (Todhunter) It's simple, they just want to talk to you. It would seem sensible to cooperate with the authorities. I absolutely agree. We are guests in this country. (Rose) And such very odd people. I got a great idea. Why don't we give Miss Froy to the Nazis? It'll save us all a lot of trouble. Mrs Kelly is getting married, the ladies have ordered dinner at 7:30, you guys'll get to your game on time and I'll have a picture story for Life magazine. Probably get a great bonus. (Charters) I had a nanny once, called Smithers. Used to hang a card around my neck, saying, "Jeremy kicks".

Page 40/46 Splendid woman, you know. Splendid. I'd better go and give this chap our answer. Senior member and all that, you know. Now, look here. We have no intention at all of handing over Miss Whatever-Her-Name-Is, so just be a good chap and clear off. (Man) Halt, halt, halt! - Halt! - Raus! Weiter! - Would you mind, old man? - Not at all, old man. - Looks like they mean business. - (Gunshot) That really is the last straw. We'll never get to the match on time now. Angreifen! (Gunshots) - Got any more ammunition? - Just what's in the gun and these. - (Gunshots) - Right, pile the... Pile those chairs into a barricade. Take refuge behind them. You're behaving like a pack of fools! What chance do you think we've got against a lot of armed men? Pacifist, eh? Doesn't work, old boy. The early Christians tried that, got thrown to the lions. - I'd rather... - (Gunshot) - Give it to me! - Stop it! - What's the trouble? - He's got a gun! I will not be a party to this sort of thing. I don't believe in violence! You'd better give that to me. I once won a box of cigars for shooting. I was a damn fine shot.

Page 41/46 Excuse me, Mr Condon? Would you mind if I talked to you for a minute? Could it possibly wait a minute? There are people shooting bullets at us. No, I'm afraid it can't. It really can't. I'll hold the fort. - I must tell you, I really have to go now. - Go where?! To Switzerland, it's right over there. Thank you for trying to help. I have a message for a Mr Callender in Whitehall. - She is a spy! - I'm not! I'm acting on the instructions of General von Reider, Helmut's grandfather. The General says it's vital that this message gets through. So in case something silly happens, would you deliver it for me? - What's the message? - I have no idea. All I know is I have to go Mr Callender in Whitehall and sing this song. # La-la-la-la, la la la, la-la-la-la, la laah, la-la-la-la... She's gone off her rocker. (Miss Froy) # ..la la, la-la - # La-la-la-la, la la la... - (All) # La-la-la-la... - (Singing continues) - Not a good time for a choir practice. - (High pitched) # La! - # La... La! - # La-la-la-la-la - # La-la... La-la-la - # La-la-la-la - # La-la-la-la... La-la-la-la # See? I got it. (All singing) If we get through this we'll go into vaudeville together. Thanks. I won't forget that. - (Amanda) You can't go out there!

Page 42/46 - C'est la guerre! (Gunfire continues) - Do you think she's all right? - I hope so. She's a British nanny. They're indestructible. We have to start the train, get back to the main line and ram it across the frontier. That's a tall order. The drivers aren't going to do as we tell them. - We'll use this. Who's coming? - Me! No, baby, stay here. Be a good girl and roll some bandages. With a little luck we'll get the train back to the station, you're gonna have to jump out, switch the points in the direction of Switzerland. - Righty-ho. - Come on, let's go. - I'm gonna put a stop to all this! - (Gunfire and screaming) Nicht schieen! Please! Could we just be sensible... (Gunshot) (Screaming) (Gunfire continues) Reach for the skies, we're taking over! They must have hopped it with the rest of them. Can't say I blame them. - Have you ever driven one of these? - Not since I was a kid. Good Lord. - We've done it! - (Shrieking) They've started the train! (Shouting, indistinct) We're going home! Have you any idea how to stop this contraption? I imagine it's a matter of doing a reverse of what I did to start it. I expect you're right. (Caldicott) The points are just ahead.

Page 43/46 Where the blazes is Charters? - Time I did my bit of point-changing. - You're wounded! Was ist jetzt los? Er kommt zurck. Good grief! It's that girl! (Caldicott) Hold it! - Not yet! - Wait till we pass! (Caldicott) Hold onto it! - That's right. Good girl. Hang on. - Hold it! Just hold it! Pull! Towards you! Pull it towards you! (Screams) Come on, kiddo! Come on! Come on, I'll pick you up! (Screams) Come on, baby, you can make it! Come on, faster! Faster! Come on! Come on! Well done, old thing! Well done! (Porter) Where's that to, sir? (Caldicott) The Oval. - With any luck we should be in time. - Yes. (Paper seller) Hitler's message. Read all about it. News, Star and Standard. - (Sighs) - News, Star and Standard. Next year, old man. There's always next year. - If there is a next year. - Quite. Well, I'll say goodbye then. Goodbye. I'm sorry about your hanky. I'll have it laundered and sent round. I've got another one. Taxi! (Rose) Shouldn't we talk to the stationmaster about the luggage? Never mind about the luggage, I shall never leave England again!

Page 44/46 (Both) # La-la-la-la, la laah, la-la-la-la... # (Amanda) It's Rupert! - Oh! - You mean you're not gonna marry him? - What about the million bucks? - It's a real problem. I simply have to marry somebody. Amanda, I'm willing to marry you but taking the million dollars, it's against all my principles. If you wanna marry me you'll have to take it! - Where to, guv? - Whitehall. Look, if I take your million dollars you're gonna my boss forever. A man shouldn't take money from his wife. They should share what they earn. I don't believe in dowries or... - Who are we supposed to see? - Callender. - Mr Callender, please. - Would you wait? - It's very urgent. - Maybe you can break Grandfather's will but Mummy and Daddy have tried and they can't. - You're gonna have to like it or lump it. - OK! I lump it! - You lump it? - I lump it! - Then let go of me. - I can't. You're holding onto my elbows. Oh, my God! My mind went blank. I forgot Miss Froy's tune! - The tune! - # La-la-la-la # La la la la la la laa... # No, no, no! # Da da-da-ta-da da-da da-da-da-da da-da-da da da # - # Da-da-da da-da-da... # - (Piano playing melody)

Page 45/46 (Miss Froy) # La-la-la-la la la la # La-la-la-la la laah # La-la-la-la la... (Both) # La la-la la la la la la la # How lovely! - The tune went right out of my mind. - I never thought we'd see you again! (# Theme music)

Page 46/46